#i had a protein shake for breakfast but i was still super hungry so i made eggs and toast

[filet-o-feelings]

Ugh I'm always hungry but also never have an appetite and can't make myself eat much of anything... which of my many ailments is the cause of this and how do I eat more than a few bites without feeling like I'm going to be sick when I started out super hungry?

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC questionnaire

Thanks @theeccentricraven here, @somethingclevermahogony here, @the-golden-comet here, and here, @happypup-kitcat24 here, @mysticstarlightduck here, and here, and @writingamongther0ses here!

Rules: answer the given questions as an OC, then provide three more questions!

Welcome to Round Three! Eight in one worked well enough, so I'm cutting it off here for now. Yes, I still have more tags in this game.

Find the Masterpost for all previous OC questionnaires here!

Some of these were a giant questionnaire but I recognized several sets I've answered before in the regular tag, so I just selected ones I haven't done yet.

See below Maddie, Ash, Noelle, Ewan, Jazlyn, Lexi, Alex, and Carmen!

#1 - Maddie

What is your favorite song/book/movie/show/game/story/tale/other media form to quote from?

“I reference Star Trek a lot. It's fun because not a lot of kids my age get it. But Wade gets them. And my sister Lexi of course.”

If you could replace one person in your life, who would it be?

“Brycen. With a nicer Brycen.”

If you could make one thing in life easier going forward, what would it be?

“Hm. I would get rid of boredom. I hate being bored.”

✨ Maddie intro post ✨

#2- Ash

Do you have any nicknames? If not, what should they be?

“Ash is a nickname. I really don't like Ashley. Ugh, just saying it makes me cringe. It's almost like Ash is my real name, haha. But I can't think of any other nickname I could go by.”

What is the bravest thing you've ever done?

“... I think standing up to Mr. Jimenez and admitting I was wrong to Lexi. Confronting those feelings and issues.”

Are you a good liar?

“... I have no idea. I don't particularly like lying. But I have to around Mary's family. I think I'm okay. They seemed convinced enough.”

✨ Ash intro post ✨

#3- Noelle

What is the most important meal of the day?

“... What, is this a trick question? Of course it's breakfast. It's a breaking of the fast from the previous night - that's why it's called breakfast. So many people skip breakfast or barely have anything for breakfast, and it's super unhealthy. Hye-Jin has a protein shake?! I'm slowly introducing my friends to healthy breakfasts that will make sure their 'not hungry in the morning' bodies get the nutrients they need to ensure they have decent amounts of energy for the rest of the day. [Pause as she realizes how much she has spoken] So, yeah, my answer is breakfast.”

What drives you to succeed?

“Drives me to succeed? That's an odd question. I just do things so I can succeed. I'm my own person, and I just do what's necessary. I also want to make my mom proud of me.”

Have you ever gambled? (Not just with money)

*gapes* “No? That sounds irresponsible.”

Other Noelle: OC in three, OC in fifteen, bingo, bag, origin, outfit, questionnaire one, questionnaire two, fun facts, picrew

#4- Ewan

If you had to decide between rescuing your beloved and keeping your clothes nice, which would it be?

“What kind of question is that??? Why would I keep my clothes nice over rescuing Jazlyn??! I - I mean, my, uh *clears throat* my beloved....”

What is your favorite place to be?

“The Farmington Theme Park. Jazlyn and I met there.”

What was the worst thing you've ever been forced to do, either by orders, or by circumstances?

“The worst thing? That's hard to say... A few years ago, Jazlyn, Tyler, and I uncovered some stuff with our friend Anathi, and we were forced to leave without Anathi. Not being able to confirm what happened to him was the worst part.”

Other Ewan: OC in three, questionnaire one, questionnaire two, kiss, Picrew

#5- Jazlyn

What is your worst nightmare?

*laughs* “I do not get nightmares. I mean, if I did have a nightmare, it would probably be me fighting this one character in the amusement park and in fighting this loser, I lose control of my powers and everything catches on fire and everyone I know and love gets caught in the flames and burns alive right before my eyes while I can do nothing to stop it. But, y'know, that's if I had a nightmare.”

Do you have any favorite bedtime routines?

“I put on lotion, put my hair up, put on my nightcap, and crawl into bed. That's it. That's the end of it. It's just going to bed. Though sometimes Ewan and I will throw on a movie and we'll fall asleep together.”

What's your favorite scent?

“It is absolutely lavender. We have lavender everything in our house. Everything that can be lavender is.”

Other Jazlyn: OC in three, interview, picrew, kiss, questionnaire one, questionnaire two

#6- Lexi

How do you feel about crying? Let it out or hold it in?

“Unfortunately, I have to let it out. I can't control my crying. Honestly, I don't think you should be ashamed to cry. Like, it's natural. I mean, I'm annoyed that everyone thinks I'm a crybaby, but I'll get over it. I can't hold in my tears even if I wanted to.”

Who do you live for? Why?

“All of my friends, of course! And that includes Maddie. I have to live for them because of how much I care, obviously! I love hanging out with them and having fun! I just can't bring myself to let them down. I mean, they do so much for me! It wouldn't be right.”

What style of accessories do you wear? Is it willingly?

“Uh, yeah it's willingly! I wear some jewelry, but usually it's just a simple necklace and cute earrings. I got my ears pierced for my sixth birthday, which was before people touching me bothered me. I usually just wear studs, but sometimes I'll wear something else!”

✨ Lexi intro post ✨

#7- Alex

Are you a jealous person?

“Pffft, nooo! What is there to be jealous of? I mean, it's not like I need attention from everyone 24/7 or I'll die or anything! For crying out loud, it's okay if I share the spotlight! [Pause] oh my goodness I sound jealous. That was not my intention, I'm actually being genuine!! Great, now they don't believe me.”

Have you ever committed a crime?

“Woahhh hoolllld up, what kinda question is that? Hahaha, that's actually really funny. I've jaywalked before, I guess? *Beckons you closer, whispers* okay, I've stolen some candy bars from a convenience store before, heehee. It's not my fault they're not warding off teleporters.”

Are you neat or messy?

“Oh, so messy. So, so, so messy. Y'know that's the biggest difference between myself and Lexi. She freaks out if there's something outta place or something doesn't go according to plan, but not me! On that last question, I think the most illegal thing she's ever done is talk when the teacher is talking, hahaha!”

Other Alex: questionnaire one, questionnaire two

#8- Carmen

What's your favorite movie?

“I don't have time to watch movies. [Pause... pause...pause...] Alright, when I was younger, I used to watch this one movie called *cringe* A Love Forged In Time. Completely ironically, of course. It was about a modern chronokinetic falling in love with a scientist who was on the council that organized the database. Science fiction, of course, since chronokinetics can't travel through time. I only watched it because I liked the actor who played the scientist. [Pause as she's realized she's revealed too much!!!!!] It is no longer my favorite movie because I don't watch movies anymore!”

How do you get along with your in-laws, if you have any?

“I don't have in-laws.” She is suddenly uncomfortable and refuses to talk more about it.

What would be your favorite store at the mall?

“I don't know how Ceteri malls are, but I usually went to stores that had home organizers and stationary. Now, leave me alone to work!”

Other Carmen: OC in three, OC in fifteen, Picrew, interview, questionnaire one, questionnaire two, smash or pass, two truths and a lie, art

Woo! Finally done with this post. This was fun.

I'll tag... @elizaellwrites @kaseylynnwriting @ohnomybreadsticks @winterandwords @oh-no-another-idea

+ ANYONE ELSE

Y'all's questions are: 1) What's your favorite thing to do when you're alone? 2) Who is the person you're most jealous for and why? 3) What is one thing a person could do that will immediately turn you off from them?

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

@nebula--nix @literarynecromancy @honeybewrites @the-golden-comet

[howly]

hey I'm also trying to body recomp! i'd love to hear about your eating habits and protein intake bc that's what i struggle the most with

hi! i'm so sorry for the super late reply - i typed it out a couple months ago, saved in my drafts to add more stuff later, then lowkey forgot about it and have barely been on tumblr since lol.

anyways. back on the topic:

for real. tracking and trying to reach your daily protein goal after not caring about your macros all your life is toughhhh.

re: my general eating habits - i used to not be a breakfast person, and i've always done cardio and bodyweight exercises in the morning on an empty stomach, but the other month i got nauseous within the first 30 minutes of my first lifting session so i had to get into the habit of eating breakfast whether i want it or not. i find that quick carbs with minimal protein, about 100-200 kcal, 30-60 mins before training work the best for me (e.g. a slice of bread with some type of spread on top, oatmeal, a banana with pb)

the rest of my meals are just a constant calculation of "how can i make this more protein-packed" and still barely managing to hit my goal (100 g/day) while trying to stay in my calorie deficit lol.

what helps me most with my protein intake:

a casein shake before bed

pastirma is quite popular in my country - it's similar to jerky i would say? and i never realized how protein-rich it is! it contains 200 kcal and 35-40 grams per 100g so i'm chomping on it daily like a dog.

i make myself shredded chicken ahead of time and just get it out of the fridge and snack on it while i watch youtube or tv. i only put salt and pepper on mine but you can always add more spices to make it more exciting

i love crunchy snacks so pork rind chips has been A GODSEND. it's calorie-dense but it scratches my crunchy food itch just right and still bumps my protein intake up a little

adding liquid egg whites to my omelettes to save up on calories (e.g. combining 1 egg + 70-100g egg whites)

get that dairy (... well, unless you're lactose-intolerant). lidl, at least in europe, offer a few different types of dairy products that are high in protein (such as skyr, creamy quark, string cheese, cottage cheese) and i'm trying to eat them as often as i can

also, urda cheese/curd/quark/exact-term-in-English-varies is very cheap and easy to find in the balkans, and the macros especially of the low-fat version are great - the one i have in my fridge right now includes 90 kcal and 14 g of protein per 100 g. the drawback is that the taste is not that great, but it works as a perfect substitute for feta in recipes where the cheese is meant to absorb the flavours of the other ingredients (e.g. gratins, dips, feta stuffed veggies, etc.)

honourable mentions a.k.a. ingredients that won't save your protein intake on their own but can still help when added to salads, oatmeal, smoothies, on top of ice cream etc.: nutritional yeast, hemp seed, wheat germ, flax, chia; quinoa to substitute rice; i recently had wheat berries in a restaurant and think they'd be a nice sub for both rice and oats

a different honourable mention that won't increase your protein intake... but sometimes, even with all the protein and fiber, you still find yourself hungry though you have hit your calories for the day, because you're on a deficit while your body is trying to stay at the body fat percentage it's at now and is telling you to feed it more: cacao nibs help me a lot with curbing cravings. same goes for raw veggies i don't generally like (mine are peppers and celery. no amount of dips will make me like them raw, and a few bites of them stop my cravings right away)

[now-we-say-c0ral]

November 12, 2023

This day has been so lazy for me. I'm crying, literally, the weekend went by so fast now I'm back to working. Fuck this shit. The difficult thing really is waking up and getting to the station. Work is work and sure there're bad days but the most difficult thing is getting myself up in the morning.

Romney and Nico got everyone up for some lunch. They made beef stew and some fish dish both of which were delicious. I was about to go to the gym today but decided that it would be best not to because I need a proper rest day. I just played Diablo 4 the whole day. I was so unproductive. I was supposed to cook dinner but Ed cooked instead because he wanted to eat some beef stirfry for work tomorrow. He was out and climbed but he still made dinner and lunch for tomorrow. He's such a kind man. I don't know what I did to deserve him. I should be more lenient and not react when I'm mad and tired and have to think things through before I do or say anything. He's so gentle with me.

November 11, 2023

Woke up around 9am today. Finally! My day off! Just stayed in bed until like 11am and played a bit of Diablo 4. We went to Canning Town around 12pm after finishing breakfast. I kind of forced Ed to go to the gym with me. I was planning to do chest and legs today but only ended up doing chest because Ed didn't like working his legs out. It was a good workout!

We went to Morrisons and got some groceries for the week. We went back home and I just played Diablo 4 the whole day. Tier 4 is a bit challenging for me considering that I don't have the best armour and I'm trying to farm for them the best I can.

We had some mixed grains and fish yesterday after saying that we weren't hungry and only wanted some protein shake. Ed's cooking is my favourite.

We watched Take Care of Maya on Netflix and it was really a sad story about families and their children being wrongfully medically adopted by the system. Today was a good day!

November 10, 2023

LAST DAY OF WORKING THIS WEEK! FINALLY! I got up super late from bed despite waking up a bit early. I got an Uber thinking that it would get me to work earlier but I didn't anticipate London traffic to be really bad.

I was with Rosie, JP, and Ate Socel in the morning doing Orthopaedics in Th14. It was a good list. We didn't do much but to remove metalworks. In the afternoon we were taking care of sets and they thought me how to fast track and make loan sets for orthopaedics.It's something that I don't really intend learning because it adds responsibility and accountability when shit goes wrong but here we are. Went out to Tortilla with Lene after work and had a few margaritas. We intended to go out and have a night out January next year. I'm excited about that! I want a nightout with friends.

Went home and slept immediately because I was really drunk. Woke up around 1am to Ed cuddling me.

November 9, 2023

It's a Thursday and I'm not in that horrible person's list! Thank the heavens. I'm not even exaggerating. I'm so thankful. I'm assigned in Th6 doing ENT with Cathy and Xavier.

We did some cochlear implants and some MLBs and it was such a good day. Sure it was busy but I wasn't tired at the end of the day! There's really something different about working other specialities from doing orthopaedics. I just know that it isn't for me and that I don't see myself doing it. Finished the shift around 5:30pm and went to the gym and did some back, arms, cardio, and abs.

Went home around 8:30pm and ate dinner with Eddie. It was a good day. We made up as I bought some Lola's.

[dreamslogs]

November 29, 2022: Log #78

☁️Weather: Sunny with a high of 64, low of 41, humidity of 71%, feels like 49

👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽

🌌7:30 AM: Wake up & drink coffee in bed

🔫8:15 AM: Do my morning routine & get ready for the day

💄Todays Makeup

Concealer: Nars Radient Creamy Concealer

Powder: Laura Mercier Translucent Loose Setting Powder

Eyebrows: Kosas Air Brow Tinted Clean Volumizing Eyebrow Gel

Mascara: Essence Lash Princess False Lash Effect Waterproof Mascara

Highlighter: Anastasia Beverly Hills Aurora Glow Kit (Shade - Luna)

Lipgloss: NYX Butter Gloss in Devil’s Food Cake

Setting Spray: Milk Makeup Hydro Grip Setting + Refreshing Spray

Perfume: YSL Black Opium

🌌8:50 AM: Leave for campus & have breakfast in the car

I had a premier protein strawberry shake

🔫9:15 AM: Continue working on my Historical Archaeology presentation

🌌9:45 AM: Work on author letters for Fiction Workshop

👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽

🎵What I Listened to While Working:

SHINee - Don’t Call Me

👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽

🔫11:00 AM: Forensic Anthropology class

🌌12:30 PM: Historical Archaeology presentation

🔫2:00 PM: Fiction Workshop

🌌3:15 PM: Head home from campus

🔫3:30 PM: Go to the grocery store with my roommate

🌌4:00 PM: Have a late lunch

I had a sandwich

🔫4:15 PM: Work on Japanese homework & study kanji

🌌5:00 PM: Bake cookies for tomorrows potluck

🔫7:00 PM: Eat dinner & watch Wednesday

I ate Thanksgiving leftovers

🌌7:30 PM: Put up more fairy lights & rearrange my bookshelf

🔫8:00 PM: Take a quick shower

🌌9:00 PM: Make a nighttime snack because I’m still hungry & continue watching Wednesday

I ate buldak ramen

🔫9:50 PM: Finish up my nighttime routine

🌌10:05 PM: Put on my fairy lights and watch ASMR

🔫11:30 PM: Turn everything off & go to sleep

👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽💫👽

🖋️Notes on the day🖋️

Today was just an average day, to be honest. I didn’t do much and the end of the semester is just making me super tired. I’m trying not to be behind on these logs but it’s just hard when I’m so stressed about everything else. But I’m trying!

[lovemesomesurveys]

What do you dislike about the house you live in? It’s just too small for one with 4 adults and a doggo in a 2-bedroom. We’ve outgrown it a long time ago. Apart from that, we’ve experienced a lot of problems with it. Lastly, they’ve been upping the rent and just did so again recently and the amount they want for what it is is outrageous. My family and I have wanted to move for awhile, but we haven’t been able to for various reasons. We’re really going to look into now because it’s just ridiculous. Do you prefer iced tea or hot tea? Hot. Is there a gas station near your house? When was the last time you went? Yes. It’s been several years now since I’ve last gone inside, but I used to all the time. It’s super close walking distance, so I went all the time growing up to get snacks and whatnot. The bus stop is also in front of it, so whenever I had to take the bus in college sometimes I’d often stop there before or after.  How do you feel right now? What do you think has contributed to that? Tired, mostly. My joke of a sleeping schedule I’d say plays a big part. Do you watch a movie at least once a week? No.

What's your favourite movie genre? Horror, psychological thrillers, drama, superhero, sci-fi, adventure, action, rom-coms... variety. Have you ever been clubbing? Did you have fun? I went once and it was so not my thing. What were you doing in the year 2013? I was attending UC working towards my BA in psych. What's the weather been like lately? Cold, but the temps have been sneaking up a little and it needs to stop. It’s still winter and I want it to stay cold. Do you check the weather forecast regularly? Yeah. Do you live in a city of at least one million people? Nooo.  What's your favourite colour? Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow. Do you own any clothes in your favourite colour? Yeah. Would you say faucet or tap? I’d say tap water. Do you watch any sports? No. Have you ever eaten carob? No. I don’t even know what that is. Are there any plants around your house, inside or outside? Outside, yes. Which bugs do you truly hate the most? ALL. What's your favourite kind of puzzle? Word searches and jigsaw. If you were going on a daytime date tomorrow, where would you go? A cafe. 

Where are you right at this moment? I’m all cozied up in bed. Is your nose blocked right now? No. Do you live on a main road? No. Have you ever volunteered? Yes, many times. What colours are you wearing today? I’m in all black. How old were you when you graduated high school? I was 18. Describe your favourite pair of socks. I have Baby Yoda socks that are really cute.

What holidays do you celebrate? I mainly celebrate Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. My mom gets my brother and I a little something and some candy on Valentine’s Day, she makes corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day, and we do a little something on the 4th of July, but those holidays aren’t a big thing for us.  If you could dye your hair any colour for one month, what would you do? I miss my red hair. Do you own a pair of sunglasses? How often do you wear them? Nope. What's your go-to order at McDonald's? I like their breakfast burritos. That’s the only thing I get there now. Do you know anyone who was born in the Caribbean? Not that I know of. What brand is your fridge? I’m not sure. Speaking of fridges, what drinks do you have in there right now? A few different sodas, milk, almond milk, protein shakes, orange juice... I think that’s it.   Do you live in the northern or southern hemisphere? Northern. What's your dream car? I don’t have one. Do you have a best friend? How long have you known them? Yes. She’s my mom, I’ve known her literally my entire life. How often do you take selfies? Very, very rarely. Are you hungry at the moment? What are you craving? Not at the moment. What do you think your life will look like in 3 years from now? I can’t even think about that, I have to take it day by day. When was the last time you received a card? What was it for? It was a Christmas card. Do you like yes or no questions, or questions that make you think? More so ones that make me think.

[joyful-soul-collector]

Blanket Forts and Midnight Stories

By @joyful-soul-collector for @marvels-blue-phoenix

Rating: Teen and Up (for swearing)

Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, DUM-E

Summary:  This is my gift for the Friendly Neighborhood Exchange! I combined two of the prompts given to me: "The two are stuck inside on a rainy day so they make a blanket fort and watch movies, falling asleep inside of it", and "Peter has a nightmare so Tony reads to him to get him back to sleep".

Thank you @friendly-neighborhood-exchange for planning this event! The story is under the cut, or you can read it on ao3

Tony was reading on the couch when Peter nearly fell flat on his face as he hopped on one foot into the living room that morning, trying his hardest to pull on a sock.

“Mr. Stark--ack--Mr. Stark I’m so sorry I woke up late, my alarm didn’t go off--”

“Woah hey, Pete, calm down,” Tony said with a laugh, putting down his book and turning in his seat to face him. Peter had on a wrinkled pair of jeans that Tony was fairly certain were the same ones he'd worn yesterday, had somehow put his shirt on backwards as well as inside out, and was sporting such ridiculous bedhead that it reminded Tony of a mad scientist. This of course wasn’t helped by the fact that he was still struggling to put on one of his socks.

“I think the park should be open but--jesus, c’mon stupid sock--I dunno if we’ll have time to go on all the rides and still play games now--”

“Pete have you not looked out the window yet?” Tony interrupted with a frown.

“Huh?” Peter said. Tony felt his heart squeeze a little when Peter glanced out to see an abysmally grey sky, the city of New York seemingly warped by the constant torrent of rain upon the windows of Stark Tower. His entire body seemed to droop sadly at the sight, even his spiky bedhead looking much more miserable than before.

“Oh,” he said quietly, and Tony gave a sympathetic chuckle.

“Sorry bud. No Tornado of Death Ride today,” Tony said.

“Hurricane of Death Ride, Mr. Stark,” Peter muttered, flopping down on the couch next to Tony.

“Hurricane, Tornado, they’re both winds that go in a circle,” Tony said. “Besides, any ride with the phrase ‘of Death’ in it, automatically sounds super cheesy. I could come up with a better name for it, and that’s not even my job.”

Peter replied with a noncommittal “hmm”, and Tony looked up at him. Peter was frowning at his knees, slumped against the couch so that his chin rested on his chest and his arms laid limply on his legs. He seemed to be more upset about this than Tony had thought he would be.

“You know we can always go another time, right kid?” Tony said.

“Yeah, I know,” Peter said with a sigh.

“So what’s bothering you?” Tony prompted.

“I--I dunno, I was just really looking forward to this. I mean with all my homework piling up since the school year is ending I haven’t been able to come over here for weeks, and I just--” Peter cut himself off, instead gesturing angrily at the window. Tony put his arm around Peter’s shoulders as he gathered his thoughts.

“I just wanted to spend the weekend with you. I miss you a lot,” he said quietly, snuggling a little closer to Tony’s side.

“Aw Pete,” Tony said, rubbing his arm comfortingly and pulling Peter so his head laid against Tony’s shoulder. “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry we can’t go to the park today.”

“Yeah,” Peter said.

“You’ve been really stressed about school lately, haven’t you?” Tony said, remembering how dark the circles were under Peter’s eyes when he arrived at the tower yesterday. Karen had said he was still doing his patrols after completing his homework (as his aunt had forbidden him from putting Spider-Man before his education), but his energy levels were more depleted than normal, resulting in him being almost constantly delirious with exhaustion.

“Yeah. It’s just really hard,” Peter said. “Especially this week. I did extra work every day that way I wouldn’t have to do it while I was here.”

“You did? Oh kid, you didn’t need to do that,” Tony said.

“I didn’t want to stress about it while we were at the park. And I was worried you or Aunt May wouldn’t let me come over if I still had homework to do and I didn’t wanna have to cancel another weekend with you,” Peter said, ducking his head slightly but still pressing his face against Tony’s shoulder.

“Oh gosh, Pete no, of course I would’ve let you come over. And I know for a fact your Aunt wouldn’t have cared either, she can tell school’s been taking a toll on you,” Tony said. “In fact she was the one who suggested I take you to the park. She wanted you to get a break.”

“Oh,” Peter said. “Well I guess I didn’t need to pull those all-nighters.”

“Did you just say all-nighters? Plural?”

“Ummmmm… yeah?” Peter said innocently, and Tony guessed he hadn’t meant to say that.

“Oh Peter,” Tony said, now wrapping both arms around him and pressing a kiss to his hair. “When was this? How long did you stay up kid?”

“Um… I woke up Wednesday morning, and I went to sleep again, uh… last night.” Peter said the last two words in barely above a whisper, and Tony felt him tense up next to him.

He didn’t say anything for a moment, only releasing a heavy sigh and turning so he could properly hug Peter, his arms wrapped tight around him while Peter’s head rested on his chest. Peter relaxed, returning the hug eagerly.

“Well. Now I’m almost glad we can’t go to the park today,” Tony said.

“Huh? Why?” Peter asked, his voice muffled slightly by Tony’s shirt.

“Because roller coasters aren’t the kind of break you need. What you need is a calm, restful break. Get your energy back,” Tony said. “I’m thinking breakfast first, and then we do something like play a boardgame, or watch a movie.”

“Blanket fort?” Peter said hopefully.

“Blanket fort, huh? That might just be the perfect thing for you today,” Tony said with a grin. He released Peter and they both stood up. “How bout you get changed back into pajamas while I make you and I some breakfast? Ya hungry?”

Peter gave a shrug, pushing his hands into his pockets and glancing sadly out the window again before he spoke.

“Not really. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately, been too stressed out,” he said. Tony gave him a sympathetic smile and ruffled his hair as he made his way towards the kitchen.

“Ya gotta eat, kiddo, that’s probably part of the reason you’ve felt so tired recently. That and of course staying awake for three days straight. I’ll make you somethin’ with lots of protein: Eggs, bacon, sausages, all the good stuff.” Tony glanced back long enough to see Peter’s eyes light up and his tongue poke out to lick his lips.

“Just as long as you don’t make me drink one of those weird protein shakes Aunt May has sometimes,” Peter said, wrinkling his nose at the thought.

“I won’t make you as long as you don’t come back out looking like an eighty-year-old blind monkey dressed you,” Tony said, gesturing to Peter’s clothes. Peter frowned defensively, but upon seeing his backwards and inside out shirt he burst into laughter. Tony grinned at him, feeling a soft warmth grow in his chest at the sound.

“You go get changed, Spiderling,” he said. “When you get back we’ll get you fed and then we’ll start on that blanket fort. Sound good?”

Peter grinned and nodded, then walked back to his room while Tony started breakfast.

~~~

Peter scarfed down his food eagerly when Tony set it on the table, finishing his plate before Tony was even halfway through his own.

“Jeez kid, did you chew any of that? I swear you’re like some kinda vacuum,” Tony said, his eyebrows raised. Peter laughed and leaned back in his chair.

“I just didn’t realize how hungry I was until you started talking about food!” he said. Tony snorted.

“Well if you want more there’s some bacon still in the pan,” he offered.

“Nah I’m full now. Thanks for making me breakfast, it was amazing,” Peter said as he cleared his plate.

“Heh, no problem kid, that’s what I’m here for,” Tony said. Peter put his dishes in the sink, but rather than coming back to the table, he started walking out towards the bedrooms.

“Now where the heck are you goin’?” Tony called to him, a frown forming on his face. Peter whirled around then jerked a thumb over his shoulder towards the bedrooms.

“Supplies! Can’t build a blanket fort without the blankets!” he said.

“Ah, yes, of course, how silly of me to assume that we’d wait until everyone was done with breakfast,” Tony said with a lighthearted roll of the eyes. “And by everyone I mean me. I’m everyone.”

“Well hurry up then, everyone! We’ve still got movies to watch, we haven’t got all day!” Peter said before darting into one of the rooms. Tony laughed and quickly finished his breakfast before heading towards the hallway.

But before he could step a foot into it, an impossible mass of blankets and pillows blocked his way, almost knocking him over.

“What the--Jesus, Peter do we really need this much!?” Tony said, stumbling backwards and out of the way. Tony could barely see Peter under the pile, and even then it was just his legs. “I didn’t even know we had so many blankets.”

“Me either! Isn’t it awesome!?” Peter said, his voice muffled heavily by the mountain of fabric. “This is gonna be the best blanket fort ever!”

Tony laughed and followed Peter (or rather, the walking blanket mound), back to the living room. Together they spent the next half hour or so dragging chairs into the living room, draping sheets and blankets so they laid just right, and arranging pillows to weigh down the blankets so the fort didn’t cave in.

There were still plenty of “supplies”, as Peter called them, when they’d finished the structure of the fort, so they both dragged what was left of the blanket mountain inside their shelter and spread the soft fabric over the entire floor. By the time they finished, Tony could compare it to sitting inside a colorful cloud.

They both laid against a pile of pillows they’d fashioned into some sort of lumpy backrest and gazed around. It was a rather large space, big enough for both Peter and Tony to stretch their legs fully in front of them. But as Tony adjusted to sit up straight, his head touched the ceiling and fabric obscured his view.

“Yeah, that’s always a problem with blanket forts,” Peter said as Tony quickly bent down again to avoid disturbing the delicate structure of the fort. “The ceiling always bows in the middle. I’ve heard of some people propping up a stick in the center but then we run the risk of it getting knocked over and taking the whole fort down with it.”

“You sure are an expert on blanket forts,” Tony said, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, me ‘n Uncle Ben used to make them together all the time. We’d watch youtube videos and try and make the coolest blanket fort we could find. It was the best,” Peter said with a bit of a sad smile. Tony returned the grin and ruffled his hair affectionately before kissing his head.

“Well I sure as hell am not gonna be able to stand the saggy ceiling situation,” he said. “So you’re lucky you’re building a fort with a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, because I have an idea that’s gonna blow your mind.”

“Oh really?” Peter said as they crawled out of the fort.

“Yes, really, and you can keep your skepticism to yourself young man, I’ll have you know I have also made a blanket fort before,” Tony said.

“Uh-huh. Says the dude who tried to use the thickest blanket for the roof,” Peter said with a roll of his eyes. “Everyone knows you use the thin blankets and sheets for the top and all the thick blankets are used for the inside, Mr. Stark.”

“Yeah yeah whatever. You go grab some snacks and set up the movie while I grab the mindblowing, cosmically amazing invention that’s going to solve all our problems,” Tony said, walking to the elevator and punching in the code for the lab.

“Alright, but since I’m the one getting the snacks, that means I get to have all the junk food I want!” Peter called over his shoulder as Tony stepped into the elevator.

“What? What messed up dimension did you pull that logic from?!” Tony said as Peter disappeared around the corner.

“Friday close the elevator doors!” Peter shouted from the kitchen.

“Wh--PETER--” But the doors closed before Tony could continue. He laughed to himself as the elevator made its way to the lab.

~~~

Peter’s face when he saw Tony leading DUM-E out of the elevator was priceless. He’d just poked his head out of the fort at the sound of the elevator dinging, and Tony relished in the surprise and excitement on his face.

“Told you I had a great idea,” Tony said with a smirk. Peter laughed and crawled fully out of the fort.

“I’ll never doubt you again Mr. Stark,” he said.

“Better not--Oi! Quit messin’ with that DUM-E, I’ve got a job for you,” Tony said, clapping to get the robot’s attention away from Tony’s book still lying on the couch. DUM-E turned around and whirred curiously. “Right, yes you, dork, I need you to pinch the fabric of the blankets right here--” Tony reached over and pointed to an area in the center of the roof of the fort “--and pull up slowly. You got that? Slowly, don't yank at it. And then, when I tell you, stop.”

DUM-E whirred and made a nodding motion with his claw. He hovered over the area that Tony had indicated before pinching the fabric in his claw and slowly pulling up. He froze immediately when Tony told him to, and after a few adjustments, the fort was finally complete.

“Good boy. Nice job DUM-E,” Tony said. DUM-E beeped happily at the praise, still staying perfectly still.

“Will he get tired doing that the whole time?” Peter asked, looking a little concerned.

“He’s a robot Peter, unlike you, he can stay up for three days straight no problem,” Tony said. Peter snorted.

“Fair enough,” he said. Then he crawled under the fort, and Tony followed after giving DUM-E a pat on his long mechanical arm.

The ceiling problem was definitely fixed, Tony could now sit up straight and see the TV with no difficulty, however that victory was slightly overshadowed by what else he saw inside.

It seems Peter hadn’t taken some snacks, instead going for all of them. Several bags of chips, at least three containers of cookies, and somewhere around five boxes of pop tarts were scattered about the fort. Peter was munching on a bag of Cheetos, his fingers already orange with the cheese dust.

“Jesus kid, are you stocking up for winter or something?” Tony said, still staring wide-eyed at all the food.

“I’m a growing boy Mr. Stark! Besides, you were the one who said I had to eat more,” Peter said, pointedly popping a Cheeto in his mouth.

“Well I kinda meant something healthy,” Tony muttered crawling to sit next to him. “But I’ll make an exception for today. Just don’t make yourself sick.”

“Whaaaat, I’ve never done that in my life, you must be thinking of some other kid,” Peter said, handing him a box of cinnamon pop tarts. Tony rolled his eyes and took one of the shiny packets.

“Oh yes, how silly of me. What’re we watchin’?”

“Star Wars.”

“Again?”

“Is that alright? It’s just, I’m still kinda tired and I’m not sure I can pay attention to anything new right now, but if you want we can--”

“No no, it’s fine kiddo. I’m happy to watch Star Wars with you,” Tony said with a small laugh. Peter grinned then grabbed the remote and pressed play. Tony wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders and Peter snuggled into his side, still crunching on chips as the words A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… appeared on the screen.

Soon, one movie turned into two, and then three, then four. To be honest, Tony wasn’t sure how many they’d watched when Peter fell asleep, all he knew was when the credits started rolling on the final movie, Peter didn’t immediately jump up to put in the next DVD like he’d done every other time.

Tony looked down to see Peter sleeping soundly against his side, empty snack wrappers and bags littered next to him. Tony checked his watch.

It was only eight o’clock.

“Well I guess you really were tired, huh little spider?” Tony whispered. Peter still had dark circles under his eyes, though they weren’t quite as bad as yesterday. Tony gave him a kiss on the head before carefully untangling himself and laying Peter’s head on a soft pillow. He spent a couple minutes throwing out all the snack wrappers and putting away all the food they didn’t end up eating, before crawling back into the fort and pulling one of the heavier blankets over Peter’s sleeping form. Then he laid down next to him, and laughed softly when Peter squirmed closer to him in his sleep.

“Sleep good kid,” Tony whispered.

~~~

Tony didn’t think he’d been sleeping for very long when he woke up. At first he wasn’t actually sure why he’d woken up, until he heard the sound of whimpering. Cries that sounded a lot like Peter’s.

“H-help…”  

“Peter?”

“Help… help I’m stuck…” Tony’s heart sank instantly.

“Peter! Peter wake up!” Tony said, his voice croaking from sleep.

“Help, help I can’t breathe--I can’t breathe!” Peter said, twisting in his sleep as his voice rose to a shout.

“Peter!” Tony grabbed his shoulder and his eyes snapped open, shining with fear and tears. He stared for a moment before suddenly pulling himself close to Tony’s chest and burying his face into Tony’s shirt.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright Pete, you’re safe, I promise,” Tony said, wrapping his arms around him and stroking his hair. Peter’s breathing eased after a few more minutes of reassurance, and Tony could feel his muscles relaxing under his arms.

“I--I’m sorry I woke you up,” Peter said, his voice trembling slightly.

“No, you don’t need to apologize kiddo, it’s not your fault,” Tony said. “You think you can go back to sleep now?”

Peter didn’t answer for a moment.

“I… I’m scared. I don’t want to, can we just get up now? We could watch another movie…”

Tony sighed and looked at his watch.

“Peter it’s two am. You’ve only been asleep four hours. You stayed awake for three days kiddo, I’m not letting you get any less than twelve hours tonight,” Tony said. Peter bit his lip and looked down, trying to hide the misery on his face. Tony started to wrack his brain for ideas on how to help him when a high whistling noise startled them both.

The ceiling of the fort suddenly dropped, bowing inwards again and Peter flinched hard, like he’d been punched.

“You alright?” Tony said, looking down at him in surprise.

“I--I thought the ceiling was gonna fall on me,” he mumbled, and even in the darkness Tony could see an embarrassed blush rising in his cheeks. Tony felt anger flare inside him and he released Peter, pushing himself up.

“Dammit DUM-E,” he muttered. He could hear the robot wheeling around noisily outside the fort. Tony crawled out and stood up, his fists clenched and his lips pulled in a snarl.

DUM-E was by the couch, struggling to pick up the book Tony had been reading this morning and whistling in frustration.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Tony said as loudly as he could while still keeping his voice at a whisper. DUM-E just kept grasping at the book, ignoring him. Tony stepped forward and snatched up the book. It was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Peter had been trying to get him to read the series for months and since Tony hadn’t been able to see much of his intern lately, he decided to give it a try. He’d told Peter it was just to get him off his back about it but really, he’d just missed having his Spiderling around. He ended up loving it though, and he was almost done with the third book.

“What do you want with this!?” Tony said, holding out the book and shaking it at him. “It’s a book DUM-E, you can’t even read!”

The robot whirred impatiently and turned to face Tony. He reached forward and poked the book with his claw, then pointed directly at the fort.

“…I have no clue what the hell that means.”

DUM-E made a noise that could’ve been a sigh if he had lungs. He jabbed at the book again, then this time at Tony’s chest, then insistently at the fort again.

“Ugh, I don’t have time for this,” Tony muttered, but DUM-E whistled angrily and suddenly wheeled off in the direction of the bedrooms. “Now what’re you doing!?”

The robot only whistled again and went into one of the rooms. Tony waited for a second before growing impatient and starting back to the fort, deciding to berate him for scaring Peter in the morning. But just as he kneeled down, Tony heard DUM-E whirr indignantly before something soft smacked him in the face.

“What the--” Tony held up the cloth that’d hit him, and instantly recognized Peter’s mask. DUM-E prodded the book, then the mask.

Tony suddenly understood.

“Oh. I see. That’s… actually a really good idea. Thank you. Sorry I got mad buddy,” Tony said. He patted the robot’s claw apologetically, and DUM-E forgave him easily with a wave, then turned and pinched the fabric of the fort again, pulling it up back into its original position.

Tony went back into the fort, feeling guilt at both snapping at DUM-E, but also for leaving Peter alone. Peter had sat up and was hugging a pillow, his eyes still glistening with tears.

“Hey kiddo,” Tony said. “Not feeling any better?”

Peter opened his mouth, but words seemed to fail him so he shook his head instead.

“Well, DUM-E had the idea that I should read to you. To help you fall asleep. So, how do you feel about The Prisoner of Azkaban?”

Peter’s face actually lit up at that, and he wiped the tears out of his eyes quickly.

“That--That’s my favorite one actually,” he said with a small sniff.

“Is it now?”

“Yeah. I like Professor Lupin. He reminds me of you. Like how he helped Harry when he got attacked by the dementor, and taught him magic so he could protect himself. That’s like how you give me hugs when I’m sad or scared, and you tell me to sleep more and stuff.”

“Huh. I guess that’d make you The Boy Who Lived, huh?”

“Well, I am really good at barely avoiding death,” Peter said. Tony laughed softly.

“I suppose since it’s your favorite, we should start from the beginning then,” he said. They both laid back, and Tony put on his glasses, activating night vision so he could read without a light. Peter laid next to him, waiting for the story to begin.

“Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy in many ways…”  

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[fan-fantasies]

Bad Day

A/N: I’ve had a profoundly shitty day (few weeks actually) and I wanted to write something quick and with all the feels. I was already feeling like shit then I discovered my car had been broken into so that was just the cherry on top. Ugh! I’m gonna try to get through my requests but just bare with me please! -Heather

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (platonic-ish)

Warnings: None? Just feeling super sad and emotional

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You slammed your bedroom door shut behind you and collapsed on your bed. You shoved your face into the nearest pillow and let out a scream you had been holding in all day. You let the scream die out and tried to focus on your breathing to calm yourself down. You rolled over onto your back and stared daggers into the ceiling. 

Why did life have to always kick you when you were down? It’s like the universe knows exactly how to break you down further when you didn’t think that was even possible. You always believed that life wouldn’t give you more than you could handle but now you weren’t so sure. 

Your hands rested above your head as you huffed out a breath. You knew that you should go talk to someone or go to the gym to let off some steam but you didn’t want to leave your room. Leaving your room hadn’t worked for you all day. 

First, Sam had finished the rest of the eggs before you got to the kitchen for breakfast. The grocery run wasn’t until tomorrow and you were out of cereal too. This wouldn’t have been a huge deal if you hadn’t missed dinner the night before because you got in late from a security detail for some spoiled, rich prick. 

Then, after you had guzzled down one of Steve’s nasty protein shakes, you decided to go for a run. Some fresh air sounded like a good idea and the sun was shining. It couldn’t have been a more beautiful day. That was until the floodgates opened up and the thunder clouds rolled in. You were only about a mile from the base but it was far enough that you were drenched from head to toe when you returned. You walked back into the compound with a frown etched onto your face which only deepened when Sam decided to crack a joke. Normally you loved Sam’s sarcastic attitude but not today. 

You stormed past him and the two super soldiers as Bucky slapped him upside the head. He was going to call after you to see if you needed anything but he figured keeping his distance would be best. You shed off your clothes and ran into your shower, reveling in the feeling of the hot water easing your muscles. When you went back into your room, you saw a hoodie laying on your bed. You noticed that it was Bucky’s- the one that you would often steal from him whenever you had the chance. You smiled softly as you slipped the soft fabric over your head. 

While the shower and sweatshirt had you feeling more relaxed, the peace wouldn’t last for long. When you dared to venture from your room again, you found Steve and Tony arguing in the living room. You overheard some of their exchange and it seemed to be the usual Tony and Steve drama. You knew how stubborn they both were and that neither of them were going to stop any time soon. Nat walked by with her headphones in and rolled her eyes, shaking her head at you. You decided to take one for the team and try to stop them. 

“Guys....guys? Guys!” You yelled. Both of them stopped mid-shout to turn and look at you. “You need to just take a breather and get some space from each other.” 

“I don’t remember asking for your advice,” Tony snapped. 

“I don’t need a child telling me what to do. Just go back to your room!” Steve added. You weren’t used to either of them being that rude with you and especially weren’t used to Steve treating you like a child. You turned on your heel and rushed from the room before they saw the tears falling from your eyes. 

And that’s where you were now, hot tears still spilling from your eyes as you stared up at your ceiling. Your stomach rumbled but you knew that leaving your room again wasn’t an option. You let out a sigh and went to reach for the remote. Maybe a good movie on Netflix would clear your mind. You were scrolling through your options when you heard a faint knock on your door. FRIDAY let you know that it was Bucky knocking so you told her to open the door. 

“Hey, I don’t mean to bother you but I thought you might be hungry,” he said, holding up a bag from your favorite Chinese food place. He set it down on the table next to your bed and turned to leave. 

“Wait!” He looked at you with a curious smile. “Did you wanna stay and watch a movie with me?” 

“Do you want me to? I can leave you alone if you want, I know you’ve had a rough day,” he said. You scooted over and patted the spot next to you with a small smile. He chuckled and sat down, handing you a container of rice. 

“You didn’t have to do this, Buck, but thank you,” you told him. 

“I know I didn’t have to, I wanted to,” he smiled. 

“Oh, and thank you for the hoodie,” you laughed. 

“I know it’s your favorite.” A blushed crept onto his cheeks and you found it endearing. You reached across the bed and grabbed his hands that were folded in his lap. 

“Well I really appreciated it,” you said softly. He simply nodded and you turned your attention back to the food and Netflix. You both ate in silence for a while and after the first movie ended, you put on another one. 

You both settled into the pillows comfortably and you didn’t hesitate to curl into his side. He cautiously put an arm around you, pulling you in a bit closer. You may have had a shitty day, but melting into Bucky’s warmth was starting to make you forget all about it, and gave you hope that tomorrow, waking up next to him, would be better. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[bella-spil]

The Arrival

The rest of the Avengers are back, which means it the day you and Bucky tell everyone about your new romance.

Fem reader x Avengers, Fem reader x Bucky

Warnings: FLuff

Word Count: 3.3k

You woke up in Bucky’s arms, tired and being suffocated from his tight grip.  You try to slowly and quietly get out of bed, but you hear a groan coming from the bed.

“Mmm..” Bucky groaned.  “Mornin’ doll.”

“Morning Bucky,” you reply with a smile on your face.  You move his long locks out of his face to reveal two very tired and happy eyes staring back at you.  He smiles at you, but he is still very tired.  You give him a morning kiss as you try to get out of bed.

“Five more minutes doll,” he sighed.  “Please.”

“Fine,” you groan.  “Only five Buck.”

Then you settle back into him, his chest rubbing against your back.  You could feel his abs peaking at your back, little bumps here and there and it felt quite soothing.  Then his hands moved from your waist down to your inner thigh.  It was unexpected, which caused a moan to leave your lips.  You could feel Bucky grinning at you.  

Since you guys had been alone for a little over a month, it allowed Bucky to learn tiny details about you.  Like where you liked to go, what you liked to do and where you liked to be touched.  He used the little things to his advantage, and it worked very often.

When you heard your moan leave your lips, you were shocked.  You knew what Bucky wanted from you, morning sex.  But you weren’t able to take that step yet, as you have only been with the Winter Soldier for a month.  Even though you would love to be trembling underneath him, you know you have to wait for a little bit longer.  But maybe if you guys won, you would give him a present.

You knew Bucky was used to having sex all the time, but you were going to make him work for it, something he wasn’t used to, and Bucky liked that about you.  He liked having to work for you, earning what he needs.  He liked that you were different from all the other girls, and that's one of the reasons he drew to you.

As you realized the sound that left your lips, you turn around to face Bucky, who is smirking at you like he won a poker game.  

“Ya like that doll?” he asks, slyly.

You were able to get out of his grip and as you stand over the edge of the bed, you hit him with your pillow.  He laughs at you as you make your way to the bathroom to get ready.  

You went into the bathroom and got dressed.  You put on a white racer back top with black shorts.  You tied your hair back into a messy bun, with little strands of hair in your face, but you didn’t mind.  In fact, it looked super cute on you.

Bucky didn’t even bother doing his hair, he was too tired.  All he had to do was put on some random pair of grey sweatpants and a Brooklyn Dodgers T-Shirt.  Without doing anything, he looked so put-together.  You wished it was that easy for you as you walked to the door.  Bucky was already waiting for you, impatient because he was starving, even though he got out of bed five minutes ago.

“Cmon, doll,” Bucky said.  “Let’s go, I’m so hungry!”  You walk to him super slowly, on purpose.  Bucky rolls his head back and groans.  Then he gets too impatient and just yanks your arm.  He runs to the kitchen with you behind him.  You were trying to slow him down but positioning yourself like an anchor, but due to the Super Soldier Serum, he dragged you like it was nothing.  As you were halfway to the kitchen, you just gave up.

“Buck, can I go on your back?  I’m still a little tired.”  you ask.

Bucky doesn’t reply.  Instead he kneels to let you hop on his back.  As soon as you hop on, he takes off, running into the kitchen.  You almost fly off his back, so you cling on to his neck for dear life as he sprints on, like he is completing a marathon and he is at the final turn.  You can hear his stomach growling and you suddenly get hungry too.

When you guys arrive in the kitchen, you find Steve and Nat are already making breakfast.  Nat is making toast while Steve is preparing sunny-side-up eggs.  Peter is nowhere to be found.

“Morning you two,” Nat said.

“Hey guys,” you reply.

“How did you guys sleep?” Steve asks.

“Fine,” Bucky asks, clearly not trying to talk, but get some food.  “Steve, give me the eggs, I’m starving.  Move Nat, I’m hungry.”

Nat eagerly moves out of the way and rolls her eyes.  As Bucky is getting his food, she mimics his behaviour, rolling her eyes and playing with her hair exactly like he does.  You and Steve snicker, trying not to crack up.  Bucky turns around, hearing the chuckles and not knowing the reason behind them.

“You guys good?” he asks, completely unaware.

“Ya Buck,” Steve responds.

“We are good,” you smile, trying not to laugh.  Bucky raises an eyebrow at you and Steve before he shovels an entire egg in his mouth.  As Nat prepares you a plate, Bucky is already done and asking for seconds.  After Nat obliges and gives Bucky more, you guys continue your conversation.

“When is everyone getting back from Wakanda?” you ask.

“I think around lunch right?” Bucky responds, not completely sure.

“Yeah, maybe a little later.” Steve confirms.

“Did you two do anything fun last night?” Nat questions, with a huge ass smirk on her face.  You and Bucky nearly spit out your food as you hear what she said.  Steve almost choked on his water and laughed his ass off, his left hand clutching on his chest, while Nat just stood there, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

“No, tarantula” Bucky states, firmly.  “We went to sleep.  Isn’t that right Y/N?”  You nod, and it was the truth, but Nat thought she already knew what happened and just kept smirking at the two of you.  

As Bucky kept reassuring Nat that nothing happened, Peter walked into the room.  

He looked like he just walked out of bed.  His hair was all over the place and his eyes had small bags underneath.  He still had his PJ’s on and they were so wrinkly.

“Morning Peter!” you say cheerfully.

“Mmm,” Peter groaned.  Then something switched in him.  He realized what day it was and he lit up like a lightbulb.  The bags underneath his eyes vanished in seconds and he was filled with energy.  He sprinted over to sit next to you, smiling at you.  His sudden change in behavior shocked everyone, except you since you knew why he was so happy.

“So, Y/N,” Peter smiled.

“Peter,” you grin back, knowing what he was going to say.

“Did he agree to the plan?” he asked.  He looked at Bucky and so did you.  Bucky had a big piece of toast in his mouth and he didn’t hear what Peter said.  He was too busy eating to care what Peter was doing.  

When he saw you guys staring at him, he gave you a look, super confused.  You give him a look back, pointing to Peter.  Realization hit Bucky.  He nodded, understanding what you meant and he continued eating.  You turn back to Peter, nodding.  Peter starts to laugh as you and him look back to Steve and Nat, who have no clue what is going on.  You join in on Peter’s laugh since their faces are priceless.

Nat eyes Bucky, seeing that he knew about it but she didn’t.  She wanted to know what was going on so badly, the suspense was killing her.

“Don’t look at me, as them.” Bucky replied to Nat and resumed his eating.

Nat and Steve then turn their attention back to you and Peter.  You and Peter are laughing even harder.  You loved having this secret and seeing Steve and Nat’s faces of annoyance were worth it.

“Kids, care to share?” Nat asks.

“Cmon, we are cool and hip too,” Steve chimes in.  He tried to pose like a rapper, but since Steve was way past his time, he looked like a tree.  He looked so stiff as he posed and he was bending in places that weren’t supposed to be bending for the look he was going for.

You and Peter are dying from laughter.  You almost fell from your seat but lucky for you, Bucky watched you and held you up so you wouldn’t fall.  Peter however fell to the ground, still laughing.  After Bucky picked you up, he sighed very over dramatically and buried his face into his hands.  You could hear a small laugh leave his lips, but you didn’t want to ruin the moment.  Nat almost spit out her protein shake and giggled at Steve.

“When I said don’t do anything stupid, this crosses the line.” Bucky sighed.

“You’re lucky I’m still friends with you,” Steve replied.

“Kids explain your plan,” Nat interrogates, cutting off Steve and Bucky’s bickering.

“You will see, just wait,” Peter said.  He didn’t even look up from his plate as he responded, trying not to smile at her.

“We don’t want to ruin the surprise,” you said smiling.

Nat gives you a look that screams “I’m watching you.”  You couldn’t help but giggle.

~~~

Then after breakfast, you and Bucky head back to your room, still a little tired.  But Bucky brought up the fact that you guys had to tell everyone.  He wasn’t the best with words and was extremely nervous.  So, you came up with an idea, one that you and Bucky agreed would work.  

You planned to have a huge dinner to celebrate the return of the rest of the team.  It was also for you and Bucky, but you both weren’t going to say anything about that.  Bucky said that he will announce it during dinner.  He admitted that he was going to be a little nervous, but you said you will be at his side the whole time, and it eased his mind a little bit.  Then after dinner, you and Peter were going to get the team to play Cards Against Humanity.

“You sure this will work, doll?” Bucky asked.

“I know it will, Buck,” you reassure him.  “Don’t worry about a thing.  Just don’t forget your part!”

“How can I with you to remind me?” Bucky asks, smiling.  You and him kissed again and it felt so good.

~~~

The day was going by so slowly for you.  Every minute felt like an hour and you were getting so impatient for everyone to return.  You waited in your room, wishing for the sound of the Quinjet.  Finally, at around 2:30, you heard the familiar engines.  You sprinted out of your room and rushed to the door.

“Cmon!”  They’re back!”  you shouted, making sure everyone heard.  Peter was sitting on the couch and he jumped right in front of you and you started to jog to the Quinjet.  Steve and Nat came out of the gym with Bucky beside them, but they were walking too slow.

You and Peter are too impatient to wait for everyone, so as Bucky exits the Compound with Steve and Nat, you Peter appear at his side.  You grab Bucky’s right arm while Peter grabs his metal arm.  You guys are trying to drag him, but Bucky was as solid as a rock, proving to be hard to move.  Steve and Nat smile as they continue walking, leaving the three of you behind.

“Um, what are you and Spiderling doing?” Bucky asked, confused.

“It’s Spiderman, grandpa!” Peter grunted.

“We are..ugh..trying to....ughhh..get you to...move!” you grunt as you pull his arm.  “Peter, pull!”

“I am!”  Peter yelled back.  “Jesus Christ, how much do you weigh?”

“More than you chicken legs,” Bucky smirked.

“Cmon, Bucky,” you sigh, trying to make puppy eyes.  “I don’t want to waste my energy dragging you and I don’t think Peter does either, right?”

“Yeah,” Peter copied.

Bucky sighed, knowing he wouldn’t win.  He knew if it was him and Peter alone, Peter would be a punching bag.  But since you were in the way, he had to give it up.

“Fine,” he sighed.  Then he looked at you and Peter with a grin all over his face.  “First one to the Quinjet wins!”  Bucky took off and left you and Peter stranded.

“Hey no fair!” you shout as Bucky runs ahead of you.  You and Peter didn’t realise how fast Bucky was due to the Super Soldier Serum.  You and Peter were sprinting for your lives while the Winter Soldier was jogging like it was a walk in the park.

As you and Peter reached the Quinjet, Bucky was standing there, completely unphased.  You and Peter were panting like dogs in front of Bucky and it amused him.

“That was a good jog, wouldn’t you say?”  Bucky mocked you guys, with the biggest smirk.

“Who knew the old man could be so fast?” Peter whispered to you.  You tried to hold back a laugh as Bucky looked at you confused.  He tried to play it off as if he hadn’t heard a thing, but thankfully he had enhanced hearing and heard everything Spider ling had to say.  Bucky knew Peter was in for it later.  

Steve and Nat finally caught up with you guys.  You were all waiting for the doors to open and reunite with everyone once again.

Finally the doors open, revealing Wanda and Vision.  They walked off the Quinjet, happy to finally see everyone again for the first time in a while.

“Hi guys!” Wanda said, smiling.  Wanda looked very put together except for a couple of bruises and scratches here and there.  She had her hair down in pretty waves.  She had on a red shirt and black pants, not her battle clothes, but comfy ones for the long flight home.  She ran to you and Nat and gave you a huge hug.  Then she went around and gave a hug to Bucky, Steve and Peter.

“Hello everyone.” Vision said.  Vision looked like nothing happened to him.  Since he was an android, he never got injured, and you were so jealous of him for it.  As he stepped off the Quinjet, his gold cape spread behind him, and it looked like something out of a comic book.  He went around to everyone like Wanda and gave them a long hug.

As Vision and Wanda were about to leave, Nat ran after them.  Nat and Wanda were really close and since they haven’t seen each other in five weeks, they were in desperate need of a chat session.

As the three of them walked off, Clint headed out of the jet. 

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Clint asked.  Clint was a little battered up from the mission, with a few big bruises and one, big scar along his left arm.  You assumed it was new since you had never seen it there before, but it looked fully healed.  You thought that maybe King T’Challa asked Shuri to heal him with her tools.  That reminds you, you have to talk to Shuri soon.  Otherwise, Clint looked fine.  He still had on his quiver, full of arrows.  Clint was carrying his bow, but he snapped it so it became a staff instead.

When Clint stepped out, Sam followed right behind him.  Sam looked ok, a few marks along his body, but he looked perfectly healthy nonetheless.  He still had on his, as Bucky would call it “His Jetpack,” and his goggles were seated on the top of his head.  He walked off, happy to see you and Steve again

“Hey Y/N!” Sam called.  “How are you?”

“Good,” you reply with a hug.  Then Sam made his way over to Steve.

“Steve!” Sam cheered.

“Sam!” Steve shouted.  They hugged for a moment as Clint hugged you and Bucky.  As Clint was heading over to Steve, Sam passed Peter and Bucky.  His cheerful demeanor quickly changed as he saw them.  His smile went into a frown.  His happy eyes settled into a stone cold glare.  Bucky and Peter noticed but they didn’t care one bit.

“Wiener Soldier.  Spider ling.” Sam said.

“Pigeon,” Bucky and Peter said at the same time.  Clint started to walk off and Steve followed.  Sam saw Steve leaving and left at once.  Then you looked at Bucky, and he looked completely unsure of what to do.  He wanted to wait for you to be nice, but he also wanted to be with his closest friends, no matter how much they are a pain in his ass.

“Hey doll?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah?” you reply.

“Can I go with Sam and them?” Bucky was preparing for you to say no, so he wasn’t too hopeful.

“Yeah, why can’t you?” Your answer took Bucky by surprise and he was so happy he could be with his friends again.  He felt like a kid who got to have his friends over.

“Thanks doll,” Bucky said as he hugged you and gave you a kiss on the kiss.  

Your back was facing Peter and thankfully you didn’t see what he was doing or you would have murdered him.  Peter was gagging, his tongue sticking out.  He was a third wheel and in this moment he couldn’t stand the cheezeness of the moment.  Bucky opened his eyes and saw Peter’s immature actions.  He didn’t want to break his hug with you so he took his metal hand and flipped Peter off.  Peter looked at Bucky and gulped.  Peter knew the metal arm meant business and that he was in for it later.

Bucky broke the hug and brushed your jaw with his right hand, smiling at you.

“I’ll see you in a little bit, ok doll?” Bucky asked.

“You got it,” you said.  

“Love ya doll.”

“Love ya Buck,” you and Bucky kiss for a second and Peter loses it.  He felt himself about to throw up, but he decided not to ruin your moment with the Winter Soldier, and kept quiet.  

Bucky realized after he kissed you that his friends were almost inside the Compound and he took off into a sprint to follow them.  You laughed as he ran, but your laughter was interrupted when you heard a pair of footsteps leaving the Quinjet.

In Stark Style, the one and only Tony Stark exited the aircraft.  He had on an AC/DC shirt and jean pants.  He had on his signature sunglasses and looked too expensive.  Even though this was casual for him, you thought he looked like he was going to a business meeting.  

He smiled as he saw you and Peter waiting for him.  Tony loved you like a daughter and he loved Peter like his son.  You were like the children he never had.  Even though he had Morgan, you were his first daughter and it wouldn’t change, though Pepper tried to change it.

“Hello children,” Tony said.

“Tony!” you shout and run into him for a hug.

“Mr. Stark!” Peter yelled.  He followed your suit and gave Tony an overdue hug.  Tony loved how you guys ran up to him and gave you a big hug in return.

“Tonight for dinner, we are having cheeseburgers and fries, no arguments are up for discussion, understand?”

“Yes,” you and Peter reply.

“No let’s go young ones,” Tony said and led you into the Compound.  As you and Peter were walking, Tony was shouting command after command at F.R.I.D.A.Y.  He yelled at her to get cheeseburgers ready, to put away his suit, which he left in the Quinjet, and to put the Quinjet away.

You and Peter shared a quick smile with one another.  Nobody knew what was coming tonight.

[writeyourownlifestory]

Sucker Punched

Chapters: 3/9 Fandom: IT Rating: M Warnings: Mention of past child // psychological abuse, Fight Club!au Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Beverly Marsh/Ben Hanscom Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, learning to love yourself

Tag list: @richietoaster, @beproudtozier, @that-weird-girls-blog, @s-onora, @s-s-georgie, @bellarosewrites, @iamcupcakefrosting, @reddieonwheels, @ghostnebula, @madidraw @madi-main, @gazebobullshit, @thoughtfullyyoungduck

By the time Eddie was 13, he was allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, and several cooking oils. By 15, he had never swum in gym class and never went to a friend’s birthday party or had one of his own. By 16, Eddie knew that he liked looking at boys rather than looking at girls, though that didn’t seem to matter at the time. By 18, he had graduated high school and that was the end of his social life. And by 21, Eddie’s life had been torn to pieces.

He was a victim of Munchausen syndrome by proxy and now left without a mother, without a home, and without a clue. On top of being told he should go to group therapy, his caseworker had also suggested doing something to blow off some steam. Join a book club or go to the gym. Or maybe join a need-to-know based fight club. Either or.

Chapter’s one - two 

Eddie thought, as a nice gesture, he would surprise Ben and take him out to lunch.

He got off of work earlier than he thought he would. They didn’t have that much to unpack and restock onto the shelves. It was pretty slow on this particular day, so the need for any extra baggers or cashiers wasn’t as high as always. The manager of the store gave Eddie the option to skip out forty-five minutes earlier than he was scheduled to leave.

He didn’t jump at the chance to leave, but he took it regardless. Walking down the street, he thought it would be a good idea to head into the gym that Ben frequented at and see if he’d be interested in grabbing something to eat.

He knew Ben’s routine as well as his own. He wakes up and goes for his run. If he was closing, then he’d come home, eat breakfast and hang around the house. Sometimes he would do a bit of work in his room, rearranging some of his models or creating an online template for future projects. And then he’d go to the gym and work out for an hour or two. He’d come home and show, help with dinner and then either go out with Beverly or Mike before returning home for the night.

If he was opening, then he’d still go out running, but he would do it far earlier and make a protein shake or take something portable. He’d go to work and then get out, heading straight for the gym when he was finished, and then come home, shower, help with dinner, and then go out.

He’d usually go to the gym around the same time regardless if he was opening or closing, so Eddie had a pretty good shot of him being there.

He slipped inside, looking around in hopes of spotting him. He came up empty, but waited a bit, thinking maybe he was in the back room. He stood there for nearly five minutes, looking completely out of place in his work shirt and jeans.

“Ay, Eduardo!” A voice called out to him. He looked up, seeing Richie sitting up from a machine he was on. Ben had mentioned calling it a ‘crunch machine’ or something like that. Richie pulled off his headphone, the sound of the music muffled, but still loud enough for Eddie to hear just slightly. “He’s not here.”

“What?”

“Haystack. He’s not here. Bev stopped by and grabbed him maybe about fifteen minutes ago.” Richie explained.

Right. So Eddie had been on the money with the timing but missed him by a few minutes. He wasn’t surprised that Beverly had come and snatched him away. Any time she wasn’t in the group meeting or working at her aunt’s boutique, she was with Ben.

It was fair enough since they were best friends. Eddie didn’t know if that was what being a best friend was, always wanting to be around them and do everything with them.

Or maybe it was more than friendship.

Eddie didn’t know either way.

“Oh. Thank you.”

“No problemo. You wanna do a few sets?”

“Few what?”

“Sets, dude! Gotta work on those gains!”

Eddie just stared, babbled by whatever the hell he was even saying. Mke walked by then, slapping the back of Richie’s head as he passed. “Speak English, dumbass.” He prompted.

“Ah! Geez, Hanlon. Hands-off outside the ring.” Richie mumbled, standing from the machine.

“I think you’re supposed to wipe those down,” Eddie mentioned as Richie approached him.

“Though, do you wanna work out? I’m always down for some tag-team pumping.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying,” Eddie grumbled with a heavy sigh. “But, if you’re asking me to work out, I’m gonna decline. Not exactly in the right attire.”

“That’s fine! Just take the pants off. Boxers and gym shorts are similar enough.”

Eddie scoffed, wrinkling his nose at the idea. “Dude, no.”

“I’m kidding! I’m done anyway,” Richie reached into his pocket, turning off the music playing from his phone and detached the headphones, pulling them off his neck. He wrapped the wire around and around, tightening it before looping it through his arm to hold onto. “Did you walk here?”

“I don’t have a car,” Eddie told him.

No car, no license. He knew the town was small enough, allowing him to walk just about everywhere, but he knew how pathetic it sounded.

Eddie’s whole existence was pathetic at this point.

“Are you going home?”

“Not like I have anywhere else to go,” Eddie answered with a small shrug.

“Want a lift?” Richie questioned. “I don’t have work tonight, so I don’t have anywhere else to go either.”

Eddie shook his head slightly. “It’s fine,”

“Can I walk with you?” Richie asked, taking a step closer. “I don’t mean to be pushy. Just. Super bored and figured a conversation would shake things up a bit. If you don’t want to be bothered, just say so.”

Eddie couldn’t remember the last time he had been bothered. He thought of all the times when he was little when his mother would take away the comic books he had borrowed from the library or forced him to watch the children's programming she had found on tv even though he was over eighteen.

Eddie also couldn’t remember the last time someone cared if he was bothered. He was so used to just doing what other people wanted him to do, what his mother wanted him to do, that being given options seemed so rare and new to him.

Richie waved a hand over Eddie’s face slowly. “You okay? Your eyes sort of glazed over there.”

Eddie blinked, not realizing he had been starring, drifting off into his thoughts. “I’m fine.”

Richie bobbed his head firmly. “All right. Well, do you want that ride or not?”

“Sure,” Eddie replied, deciding he had nothing to lose.

Richie beamed, his eyes lighting up behind those thick glasses of his. He followed Richie out to the parking lot, walking over to the car that appeared to be his. He didn’t know much about the car but knew it was nice enough. An older model. He had seen it once before, on the cover of a car magazine at the pharmacy.

“Ain't she a beaut!” Richie said as they approached the car.

It was blue, or at least it was supposed to be, but dirt stains and other things were covering it. Eddie couldn’t tell if it was dented or the car was just oddly shaped. Eddie just gave a small nod, letting Richie toss his gym back into the back before getting into the driver’s seat.

“Come on, big man!”

Eddie got into the passenger side of the car, surprised to find it somewhat clean. He had a McDonald's cup sitting in the cup holder and the air freshener hanging on the mirror didn’t seem to be working because the car itself smelt like grease and cigarettes.

“Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m starving,” Richie told him as they pulled out of the car. “Do you mind if I peel into the Wendy’s on Union?”

“That’s fine,” Eddie replied smoothly.

Richie turned on the stereo the moment they hit the road. He had his music playing, a bunch of bands playing alternative rock songs that Eddie didn’t know. “You can change it if you want to. All music is good music to me,”

Eddie didn’t touch the radio. He let it play on as they drove, with Richie lowering it as they got to the drive-through. He half-shouted his order, pausing so he could turn back to Eddie. “What do you want?”

“What?”

“To eat? 4 for 4? Baconator fries? Spicy nuggets? Throw me a bone here, Eduardo.”

“My name is Eddie. Short for Edward.”

“Okay Edward, what do you want?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Dude, it’s fast food. You don’t eat fast food because you’re hungry. You eat it because it’s cheap and filling.” The muffled, machinal voice from the ordering box asked if that was all. “Hang on, one sec! Eds, pick something.”

“I don’t want anything.”

“You just got off of work, right? Did you have lunch?” Eddie gave Richie a small side-eye in response. “Yeah, I thought so. Hey! Sorry about that. Can I get two large Frostys and a large fry too? That’s all.”

Pulling up to the window, Richie paid and proceeded to hand Eddie the bag of food and placed the two Frosty’s in the cup holders. He took the McDonald’s cup and continued to drink it as they drove the rest of the way to the Hanscom household.

Richie parked up front, unbuckling his seatbelt as he shifted in the seat, turning to face Eddie properly. “All right. Let’s eat.” He declared.

He took his cheeseburger and bit into it, holding out the container of fries for Eddie to take. He stole three of them, chewing on them piece by piece. They weren’t as salty as the ones from McDonald's, nor were they as curly as the ones from Arby’s.

The Hanscom’s thrived on eating from home, but now and then they’d splurge and they’d all go out to dinner at Olive Garden or bring in Chinese. And on some nights, they’d go buck wild and get fast food because it was inexpensive and quick.

McDonald’s had been the first type of fast food Eddie had eaten. He wasn’t too impressed with the Big Mac, finding the extra piece of bread to be something of an overkill, but the regular cheeseburger was fine.

These fries were good as well, though Eddie found himself feeling a bit concerned when he caught sight of Richie dipping his fries into the Frosty.

“Oh don’t give me that look. Come on. Don’t knock it till you try it.” Richie argued, nudging Eddie’s arms.

Huffing a sigh, Eddie relented, going to dip the end of one fry into the Frosty, taking a bite of it. The sweet and salty elements weren’t bad. The cold and warm combination was a bit odd, but he didn’t hate it.

“Not the worst.” He admitted, shoving the straw into the heavy liquid. He tried to slurp it up but found himself unable to do so. “Why the fuck is this so thick?”

“Your mom asked me the same thing,” Richie said, his smirk only lasting a few moments before realization hit him faster than Ben’s elbow did the night of their fight. “Oh fuck. I’m sorry.”

Eddie offered a thin smile, keeping his eyes on his Frosty. He stirred it around, trying to melt it a bit so he could drink it.

“I’m guessing you know all about it,” Eddie mentioned quietly. “Reporters had come around the first few days I got here, but Mrs. Hanscom chased them away.”

“I just know what Ben told me. Overprotective mom and stuff. He didn’t go into a lot of detail.”

“Ben isn’t one for gossip.” He knew his cousin wouldn’t bitch or brag about the situation. Ben was a good person. Probably the best outside of his mother.

“You probably don’t want to talk about it,” Richie mentioned, sticking his straw into his own Frosty. “You can if you want to. I’ve been told I tend to run my mouth, but I like to think I’m a pretty good listener too.”

“Not much to say,” Eddie mentioned, attempting to take another sip.

Richie hummed, bobbing his head. They sat in silence for a few minutes, focusing on his meal while Eddie stirred his Frosty around, and around, and around.

“So how did you get into the whole fight club thing?” Eddie asked, deciding to cut through the silence and the gentle tension that was beginning to grow between them.

“You do know the first and second rule of fight club is to not talk about fight club right?” Richie snickered.

“Oh. I’ve never seen the movie so….”

“Stan invited me,” Richie answered. “He told me that I had, and I quote, ‘a very punchable face’ which isn’t something I’m completely surprised about.”

“Kind of rude.”

“But very on-brand for Staniel.” Richie insisted. “I don’t know, man. I started going to the gym, started hanging around with the other guys. They introduced me to it and I’ve been going for about a year now.”

“I don’t understand the point of it,” Eddie confessed to him. “Wanting to hit someone and cause pain.”

“It’s not about causing pain. Look, you know the adrenaline rush you get when you do something completely wild?”

Eddie started blankly to him, unable to come up with a single time he had done anything wild. The closest had been when he would surf the internet late at night when his mom thought he was sleeping.

Richie, not bothering to comment, carried on. “It’s that. We ride that rush for as long as it lasts. It’s hard to put into words. It’s like running and jumping, unsure if you’re going to stick the landing.”

“I think I get it,” Eddie told him. Giving up on the sucking, he pulled the straw out from the cup, licking it slowly, lapping up the sweet creamy flavor. Richie watched him for a moment, his eyes focused on Eddie’s mouth. “What?”

“I could teach you some stuff,” He mentioned, his eyes flicking up to meet Eddie’s. “Working out. How to throw a punch.”

“I don’t want to fight,” Eddie answered.

“You don’t have to, but staying in shape is important. And if your mom did lock you away like some sick bubble boy, you’re going to need to bulk up if you ever want to make it in this world.”

“Stan was right. You do have a very punchable face.” Eddie declared.

He stabbed the straw back into the Frosty, deciding he’ll drink it at a later time when it was melted and suckable. He opened the car door, turning his head back to thank Richie for the ride.

“If you’re interested, come to the gym Friday morning,” Richie called out of the passenger side window.

“I’m opening Friday,” Eddie replied, pushing through the gate.

“Then come Friday night. What do you have to lose, man?”

Richie drove off before Eddie could even come up with an answer.

[dwarrowdams]

So.

Writing has been an important healing tool for me over the past year and a half, so maybe writing about this will help me on my journey towards healing.

Hey, I’m Bree and I have an eating disorder.

TW for negative self-image, internalized fatphobia, and discussion of bingeing/restricting/other ED things below the cut.

It actually started when I was about nine, since that’s when I decided I was fat.  I wasn’t, but I was the tallest and heaviest of all of my friends (most of whom look like they could’ve been blown away by a strong breeze) so I assumed I was fat.  Whenever I said it out loud, other people were all “oh Bree, you’re not fat!” but I’d already made up my mind.

That’s why it was so easy to start bingeing.

When my mom died (just before my eleventh birthday), I kind of fell into the role of emotional caretaker of my dad and sister.  I would listen to them and support them (especially my dad), but when I needed someone to listen, there was no one there.

Know what was there?  Food.

I remember that the first few times I snuck into the kitchen for candy or chips or whatnot, there was this niggling voice in the back of my head.  It wasn’t telling me to deal with my feelings properly or to eat something healthy or even to see if I was hungry.

It was saying “you’ll get fat if you eat that.”

But I already thought I was fat, so it was pretty easy to shut myself up.

Eventually, that voice went away as I kept tiptoeing into the kitchen when my family was away or asleep to munch on something: not because I was hungry, but because there was this gaping emptiness inside of me and I thought that maybe food could heal it.

And that’s when I actually became fat.  I didn’t notice any change, since I’d seen myself as fat for years previously, but my doctor did.  Apparently she told my dad that I must be “stuffing [my] face behind [his] back.” (And yes, those were the exact words used.)

When my dad brought this up, it wasn’t to ask why I’d been eating so much or if something else was wrong.  It was accusatory, and that accusatory tone haunts me to this day.

In retrospect, it seems obvious that something was wrong.  I mean, I was thirteen, had recently lost my mother, and was going through puberty.  Suspecting an eating disorder seems obvious, but I guess my doctors thought that because I came from a “good home” (I mean, I did originally, but that ended when my mom died) and had a “loving parent” (heeeeellllll nooooooo) I must just be fat with no other underlying cause.

I think that’s around the time I started restricting.  I’d skip breakfast and/or lunch regularly.  I watched how much I ate with friends because I didn’t want anyone else to comment on my appearance.  I came to crave that empty feeling that comes with not eating for hours.

But as soon as I was alone, it was back to the kitchen: not because I was really hungry, but because I felt so utterly shitty.

I don’t really remember how long this went on for, but I think it was probably until college (although it did calm down significantly when I was in high school).  When I was at college, I was always able to access healthy food and usually ate with people (for the first year, at least), so it was harder to fly under the radar.

Besides, I was away from my dad and his endless cycle of diets and poor eating habits (not eating all day and then having two bags of chips, drinking only protein shakes for a day, etc.).  And, most importantly, I was away from his inability to grocery shop, which meant no more coming home and being like “hmm, well we have eggs so I...guess I’ll fry those??  And maybe have Doritos too??? Otherwise it’s mac and cheese again and I’m sick of that.”

College allowed me to gain a little more healthy self-image while teaching me how to eat reasonably healthy meals that were the appropriate size.

But I still had to go back to my dad’s in the summer and winter, and that slowed my progress.

Especially the time he paid me to lose weight.

I’m not sure what prompted it, but I do remember him saying that he’d pay me $10 for every pound I lost.  I would be weighed once a week.  At the time, it seemed a little weird, but I tried: not super hard, because I knew that doing so would mean not eating, but I wanted that money (and, perhaps more importantly, my dad to be proud of me).

Now that I’m on my own, it’s easier.  I make sure I have enough food and know how to prepare healthy things, but that doesn’t magically take away years of body shaming, poor self-image, and disordered eating.

Someday I want there to be a happy ending to this story, but for now, it’ll have to be bittersweet.  I haven’t binged in years, but I still sometimes struggle to make myself eat on bad body image days.  I still crave the sharp edge of hunger and need to remind myself that the emptiness in my stomach and the dizziness in my head are not badges of honor.  I still need to remind myself that the point of exercising is feeling good, not losing weight.

It’s not as hard as it used to be, but it’s definitely not easy.

Still, I’m going to keep trying because someday, I would love to just be able to eat foods that are nourishing and enjoyable and have fun exercising without that voice in my head commenting on my fatness.

[struggling-bb]

MY TYPICAL DAY!

Wanted to share what I’m used to eating and doing in a day! Unfortunately I had to take a long break from this since I was practicing for my school’s spring musical. I was excited to get back to it as well but it’s hard when the gym is closed due to the virus :(

Breakfast!

2 eggs (any style: scrambled, sunny side up, boiled, omelette)

Choccy milk :) (it’s a protein shake actually)

Fruit (ex. apples, bananas, strawberries, asian pears, kiwi, guava)

Alternative: my dad is super religious so some days we can’t have eggs in the house. On those days I’ll have a protein/fiber packed waffle or an Indian dish with the equivalent amount of protein (I’m indian haha)

Lunch!

Pretty much what my dad packs for me (he’s the sweetest), this includes leftovers, salad, a healthy sandwich, or a bean burger.

I bring water to school so I drink that :)

This is typically the most carb filled meal since it’s in the middle of the school day

Snack!

As long as it’s under 250 calories I’m pretty much okay with eating whatever (I struggle studying at home so I’ll usually walk to Starbucks from school to study)

Dinner!

Very small portions of what my parents made for dinner or a an apple with some peanut butter

By now, I’m not hungry, but I know I’ll be up for long hours after dinner to continue studying so it’s best to have something small at least and if my parents made something I always want to try it and make sure they know how much I appreciate everything they do for me :)

WORKOUT TIME BAYBEE

I start with cardio!! 20-30 mins of it! I like to mix this up so my metabolism doesn’t know what I’m throwing at it lol, I’ll do cycles of 2 weeks at either the elliptical, treadmill, or stairs. Usually I’ll pull up something on Netflix and do this :), last time I pulled up season 2 of Sex Education which is NOT A GOOD IDEA in the middle of a Planet Fitness.

Next comes ab workouts! I’ll do the crunch machine they have at the gym (y’know with the weights... all of these have weights actually), typically around 90 lbs and 25 reps

More abs! I’ll do twists after this, again 25 reps except I’ll do 100 lbs with this.

Last abs I swear!! There’s that other crunch machine except you’re like completely upright? Not sure how to describe it but it’s hard! Typically I can only manage 15 reps with 65 lbs

Thigh time!! There’s that thigh machine where you push in from a straddle position, I’m a dancer so thighs and legs are my g a m e. I can crush 30 reps with 110 lbs on this thing! Still trying to get to 140 lbs, but I’m happy with my progress!

Thighs again! It’s basically the last machine but the opposite, so you push out from the middle position. I can even go harder on this machine! 40 reps with 125 lbs! This is by far my favorite machine, I feel like a superwoman here, it’s awesome!

Now comes legs/calves! There’s a machine where you basically scrunch yourself up with your knees on your chest and then push away from the backboard your feet are on (did that make sense?), this is definitely the easiest of the machines with about 50 reps at 140 lbs.

More legs! But this is more calf I guess. There’s a machine where you put your ankles out straight on this roll while you’re sitting upright, then you use the strength of your calves to push down on the roll and bring it down. This one is harder for me since it’s a new machine I’m not comfortable with yet, 20 reps with 80 lbs.

ARMMSSSS. I promise this is the last section! There’s the machine where you pull up with your arms while your elbows are resting. I am not an arms person so this stuff is hard for me honestly, 40 lbs, 25 reps.

Arms again! Now it’s the opposite of that, you push down on this lever while your elbows are on a surface. 50-60lbs (60 on a good day), 25 reps.

Lastly, arms again! This last machine is the shoulder press! You bring your arms wayyyy up high and grab onto these handle things, then you pull them all the way down to your shoulders. Typically I’ll do 30 reps with this with 80 lbs

Total time: 1hr 45 min

Frequency: 4 times a week (I danced every Sunday morning so 5 times a week I’d workout)

Calories burnt: No clue. If I feel good, that’s all that matters to me

Again this is how my day used to go before rigorous musical rehearsals. So my weight loss has plateaued lately (well I lost 8 pounds in a two months, but only lost 2 more in the months I’ve been rehearsing for)

I can’t wait to do this again once the gym is open! Definitely the most powerful and confident I’ve ever felt :)

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 25

Hey Everyone!

Wow. Chapter 25.  I started this story as a response to a writing prompt, and it has just escalated so quickly from there.  I am super grateful for everyone who has joined the ride.  Don’t worry, this isn’t the end yet.  I hope to keep writing until they reach the new planet, so no idea how long the entire story will be.

This chapter is kicking the drama up a notch, and was beta’d by the lovely @parisconstantine, who rated it a full “Dun-dun-DUHHHHH!” on the drama scale.  Hope you all enjoy!

The next day, I ended up visiting my sister where she was holed up, still in bed.  “I’m sorry to break this to you, but you smell awful, Tych,” I told her once I sat down at the foot of her futon.

She flung her arm as she rolled over, groaning. “I’m not even surprised.  I felt like I was on fire yesterday.  I may have sweated more than I drank.”  She gestured at the small pile of empty water bottles next to her.  “Food was right out.  I was too tired from burning up to eat, and hot liquids were not happening.  My veins were on fire, I swear.”

“Did you take anything?” I asked, worried.  The only time I had seen her like this was during a really dark period, just after we started speaking again Before.

“Just acetaminophen and ibuprofen, I swear.”

“I believe you,” I reassure her.  “I was just checking in case someone gave you the wrong thing for a headache, thinking it would help.”

“Nuh uh,” she muttered.  “I know I get sick from some stuff, so I just asked for the lowest thing I could think of. No clue what set it off.  But I’m fine now, just worn out.”

“You hungry?” I asked. “I have savory grits and chorizo. Well, sorta-chorizo.”

She propped herself up, squinting. “Who the hell asked for grits and chorizo?  It was Japanese food last I knew.”

“I don’t know, but I thank them heartily,” I chuckled.  “Yesterday was vegetarian food, which was delicious but I was very glad kinda-eggs were on the menu for breakfast.  I also have a vanilla protein shake with an entire cup of black coffee added, if food is too much for you right now.”

“Gimme both,” she grumbled, making grabby-hands.  After a slurp of the coffee-protein concoction I handed her, she attacked her food with a delicacy that belied how hungry she clearly was.  I contented myself with the second coffee-protein shake I brought while she quickly ate the first solid food she had in two days.  When she finished, she washed it down with the last of her water before gulping her caffeinated protein shake again.  “Have I missed anything?” she gasped after chugging half the shake.

“Not really,” I crushed the urge to laugh. “Everyone is exhausted and grouchy, we’re on our fourth planetary satellite trying to get what we need to fix the sensors.  So far, we have less than a third of what we need, and after this satellite we will need to relocate from Eenie to Meenie.”

“Okay, but what aren’t you telling me?”

“You know about the sabotage, right?” She nodded. “Derek and Zach are working like madmen to figure out who hacked the system.”

“I thought it was just a smash job? Wreck everything?”

“Yeah, but it was apparently planned in advance.  Whoever did it made sure to take down the sensors from every public area to the storage bay from an hour and a half before until just before Huynh and Noah went to get the backups.  In five-minute intervals, no less, so the sensor data we have is useless.  Which also means that this was certainly deliberate, if we had any doubts remaining.” I rubbed my neck and twisted it.

Tyche caught the gesture and furrowed her brows. “Stress migraines?” she asked, concerned.

“Yeah,” I huffed.  “They happen. I’d be more surprised if I didn’t have one, honestly.  I’m doped up enough to keep it to a dull roar, so I’m good to soldier on.”

“You know you don’t have to do that right? Not anymore?  Everything going on is out of your jurisdiction.  You can rest.”

“I know, I know, but the Council agreed that we need to make regular updates to keep the rest of the ship as up to date as we can on the situation, try to keep everyone calm.  We’re worried it’ll be like the End riots all over again.  The biggest factor then was a lack of information, so we want to keep everyone in the loop.”

“Including the sabotage?” she asked skeptically.

“Not that,” I shook my head.  “It would defeat the purpose.  People would start being suspicious of their neighbors all over again, and we just got past that.  As soon as the investigation is over, we’ll release everything, but not until then unless we absolutely have to.”

“What’s going to happen to them?” she whispered.

“Who?”

“Whoever did it.”

I sighed heavily. “I honestly don’t know.  We are woefully unprepared for this.  The humans on board this ship are supposed to represent the best of us that were left.  The brave, the kind, the brilliant.  I feel like we’re supposed to be proving that we are worth this entire effort of being saved by Noah’s people, and the idea that someone would do this….it feels like a huge betrayal of us all.” I shook my head again. “Anyways, we gotta find them before we can even figure out what to do about it, so we have a little bit of time to think on it.”

“A Darwin award should be involved,” she mused. When I scowled, she just laughed ruefully. “What!? They could have killed everyone on board, including themselves, with that stunt. Between that and the fact that what’s left of us on Earth won’t make it more than a couple of generations, they could have single-handedly ended humanity, just like that,” she snapped her fingers for emphasis.

Ice ran down my spine, making me shiver.  “I have been fervently avoiding that thought, thank you.  All this shit we did in our history, including inventing planet-busting weapons before we made it to the moon, and all it would have taken is one person with who-knows-what motivation to make us all just less than a footnote in galactic history.”  I finished my shake to brace myself before standing up.  “I’m heading back to the ‘bridge’.  Grab a shower and join us when you’re ready.  Antoine has been lost as to what to do with himself.”

She waved her hand vaguely. “Okay, okay.  I get it.  Meet you there.”

Back on the area we had dubbed the ‘bridge’ – the main room of Level One – I did my standard checks with my fellow Councillors, looking for updates.  To my chagrin, they had nothing for me, so I couldn’t even send out a ship-wide update.  Resigning myself to doing nothing until something changed, I snagged a plate of snacks and a server of juice before hunting down Arantxa.

“Have you heard anything from Derek or Zach?” I asked quietly.

She shook her head. “They haven’t found anything yet, but they both promised to tell me as soon as they do.”

“Why you?” I asked, curious. “Wouldn’t they tell Xiomara, or her aide?”

“Usually, yes,” she tilted her head in agreement. “However, Xiomara’s aide is one of the drone pilots, and so is Pranav’s.  Xiomara is keeping an eye on the pilot teams, making sure they rotate when they should and keeping Maverick from interfering with them until we need to move to Meenie.  So I volunteered, since you don’t really have anything for me to do.” She shrugged.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” I admitted.  “As bored as I am right now, I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you.”

“Eh,” she made a gesture of dismissal.  “I’m still managing the food as it comes and goes, and making sure we have sleeping space and showers sorted.  The things I would normally do.  Although, I think you should take over deciding the menus,” she wrinkled her nose. “I don’t think I’m doing the best job on that, honestly.”

“You decided on the chorizo?  That was inspired, believe me,” I chucked. “Although I have to admit, the all vegetarian options, all day yesterday, was probably not the best call.  You do realize that all the meat is synthesized from raw protein, right?”

“That did not occur to me until later,” she confessed.  “Not to mention I realized I have a very limited knowledge of vegetarian dishes.”

I patted her hand consolingly.  “Tell you what, I’ll grab you when I make up the menu for tomorrow so you can pick up a few pointers, okay?”

“Thank you,” she sighed.  “I just learned to cook.  Trying to decide what nearly one hundred people would be eating each day was – what is it, biting off more than I can chew?”

“Yep, that would be it,” I confirmed. “Usually, when you have to do something like that, someone shows you the first few times until you get the idea.  So, let’s back up to that part, okay?”

“Gladly.”

“Gladly what?” my sister asked as she sat down.

Arantxa laughed and gestured to me. “My wonderful friend and boss here just agreed to take over the menu for the food brought in, and is going to show me how to do it.”

When Tyche quirked and eyebrow, I clarified.  “Apparently, Arantxa is responsible for both the chorizo this morning and the vegetarian nightmare yesterday.”

“Hey, vegetarian food isn’t that bad!” my sister tried to defend our companion.

“It is when you aren’t very familiar with cuisine,” Arantxa admitted sheepishly.

“Oh. Ohhh.  Ew.” My sister wrinkled her nose, setting off more laughter. While I was trying to pull myself together, she finished off my juice.  “Mmm.  What’s that?”

“Pinkish?” I shrugged, still giggling.  “I thought it was grapefruit, but it wasn’t.  Tasted good, though, so I didn’t mind.”

“Tomato and orange virgin sangria,” Arantxa explained.  “One of the drone pilots requested it.”

“So, gotta get that recipe,” I mused as Tyche went to refill my glass and get her own.  Once she was back, I brought Tyche up to date on Arantxa’s missed date with Conor for lack of anything else to do.  Arantxa let us know that she had been sending Conor messages back and forth, and that she finally made sure to tell Conor she hoped she could reschedule their date. We were so engrossed in the developments between two of our favorite people that I barely noticed my sister scratching at her arms.

Suddenly, Tyche sat bolt upright, her face pale, before she reached over and knocked my drink out of my hand, shattering the glass on the floor. “Don’t eat or drink anything!” she shouted, standing up.  “Something is spiked!”

“What are you talking about!?” I cried, swiping uselessly at the juice now covering my clothes.

“Vicodin,” she hissed.  “We both have bad reactions to Vicodin, Soph. My veins are on fire, and you’ve had a migraine since after the food started coming in, right?  Doesn’t get better no matter how much painkillers you use? What does that sound like to you?”

Holy shit, she was right. “Get Xiomara. Now. And Grey.  Tell them to drop whatever they are doing and come here, right now,” I demanded. She nodded before hurrying off. “Noah!” I called, looking around. “I need you right now.  Rants, I need you to clear the food and drink, except anything that is sealed.” She bolted to the tables that had been set up against one wall.

Noah and my sister arrived at the same time, Xiomara and Grey in tow. “Xiomara, do you have bad reactions to any painkillers?”

“Yes,” she responded, confused. “Paracetamol. I had it once for a broken leg, and it just gave me a migraine on top of the pain from my leg.”

“Grey, what is paracetamol?” I demanded.

“Um, a narcotic, commonly known as hydrocodone or Vicodin,” they answered, equally confused.

“Have you ever taken it before?”

“No. My family does not believe in painkillers?” they looked uncertain at the line of questioning.

“Noah,” I turned, a pleading look on my face. “Can you please check all the consumables, as well as everyone on this deck, for traces of that drug?  We have very strong reason to believe someone has contaminated everything.”

“Huh?” Xiomara and Grey squinted at me.

“Tyche has an incredibly specific reaction to Vicodin.  It’s the only reaction any of us has had that can’t be passed off as stress.  It started, just now, about twenty or thirty minutes after she ate and drank some of the food that had been brought in.  She was fine this morning, after being holed up with nothing but bottled water for twenty-four hours, then suddenly it started again. What did you eat yesterday, Tych?”

“I didn’t,” she confirmed. “I was so miserable that I just couldn’t bring myself to eat anything.”

“Zach took you something,” I insisted. “He told me so.”

“Yeah, he brought me plain scrambled eggs, but I never ate them.  After I sent him to make sure you were eating, I dumped them in the nearest disposal.”

“Tyche, you are one-hundred percent sure that your reaction isn’t just stress?” Xiomara demanded.

“All due respect, Councillor Kalloe, but stress doesn’t turn your blood into molten lava,” my sister responded snarkily.

“Fair enough,” Xiomara agreed.  “Grey, what are the side effects of taking Vicodin?”

“Dizziness, light-headedness, difficulty concentrating, headaches, nausea, vomiting, constipation, anxiety, and mood changes,” they rattled off before tilting their head. “Yes, I do agree that most if not all of those can be also attributed to stress in a situation like this.”

“The drone pilots are dizzy, all the time,” I started. “Grey Hodenson can’t concentrate.  Xiomara and I have had constant migraines, among a few others. Nearly everyone has been lightheaded, dizzy, or just spacy in general. Add to that Tyche’s allergic reaction, there’s nothing else it can be.”

Noah shuffled and dipped, their version of a nod. “I will test everyone on the deck and any remaining consumables.  I will also start testing any food or drink that is brought in before allowing anyone to consume it.”

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[stressedspidergirlsfandomblog]

Pt17

(Conversations around consent, sexual activity, and descriptions of torture and attempted suicide. I will put a little - before a paragraph with torture/assault and another - when its over. May or may not also include implied consensual activity. We'll see where this goes.)

Curtis wakes up to soft little regular whimper-moans from behind him. Unsure if his lover is dreaming of torture, or if it's a happy kind of dream, he shifts back a bit, pressing into Takashi to check. Smiling a little in relief it's definitely not torture. Sighing a little, he's awake now. And hungry. They didn't eat dinner last night. They'd gone to bed. Worth the missed meal in Curtis' opinion. However, he's ravenous.

Digging through the cupboards he finds oatmeal, spices, and dried fruit. Surprised to find so many seasonings in the cabinets of a man who rarely cooks, Curtis wonders if it's a holdover from living with Adam. Especially considering Takashi doesn't even buy himself proper self grooming products. Probably just habit to keep the spices around.

The fridge has a few flavors of almond milk. Some non dairy creamers, and not much else in it. Overall the food choices are somewhat depressing. There's more in the freezer, thankfully. Frozen meat, vegetables, and fruit. Shaking his head a little, he sighs.

But another look through the pantry shows plenty of rice, beans, potatoes...cereal. He's feeding himself.

Finding a flat pan, he starts some of the last of the bacon. Whisks some eggs in a bowl. And adds vanilla almond milk to the oatmeal with cinnamon, nutmeg, and fruit. It can sit until Takashi wakes up.

Curtis likes the simple ritual of preparing food. He doesn't mind doing this. Although once they live together he figures if he cooks, Takashi can do the shopping. He usually already does the cleaning up.

Some time later he hears a weird noise somewhere between "blech" and "ugh" accompanied by soft but vehement cursing.

"You okay?" Curtis calls when the swearing doesn't stop but he hears water running. "Did your dream not have a happy ending?" He asks, heading into the bedroom.

"If you can call it that," Shiro snaps back, voice cracking.

Takashi is naked from the waist down and he throws the washcloth into the sink as Curtis comes in. His face is red and his eyes are full of tears.

"What's wrong? You okay?"

"I don't know."

"What happened?" He gently thumbs a tear off Takashi's cheek.

"I don't know. My body never did this. I was, I was finally feeling like I was in my own skin and then this happens!"

"What, as a teen you didn't get wet dreams? God you were lucky." Stroking back Takashi's hair he gently kisses his cheek.

"I didn't even know this was possible," he protests.

"It is," Curtis assures him. "It happens. Not super common, I don't think. But yeah. It's normal."

"Not for me," Shiro protests. "Maybe the clone?"

"You had his memories and he thought he was you, right? Do you remember that happening?"

"No."

"This makes sense to me, love, I'm sorry. It's been years, right? And you have been so stressed, and so anxious, and so sick... You got a little last night... And your body wants more. Is that so awful? Years and years without any.... What'd you dream about anyway?"

Shiro turns red again, scar livid across his face. "You." He swallows. "Us."

"Oh yeah? You wanna tell me what we did that rocked your world so hard it made you come in your sleep?"

Ducking his head down, the tips of his ears are red, too. His silvery hair just makes the blush look even brighter.

"Is it embarrassing?" Curtis asks gently. "Or are you just shy about this stuff?"

"I never really talked about it with anyone. My family was.... Traditional. It was really hard to get used to the idea I liked guys at all. Adam... Had to be patient for a long time. I came out because of him. I admitted to myself... Who I was. I get to be with you because of that," he says softly. "But ... I'm not as... Blase about it as you."

"Am I allowed to ask you about it? Or tease you if it's just us? Will you be okay talking about stuff? 'Cause I'm... I'm not comfortable sleeping with you until we hash out do's and dont's." He meets Takashi's eyes. "I can wait. It's no rush. Nothing like that."

"We can talk about it," Shiro mumbles, leaning into Curtis. "I was dreaming about...us. You were um, your mouth...I think that time we talked about it has been in the back of my head this whole time."

Curtis smiles and kisses his temple. "The real thing will be a lot better," he promises. "Put some pants on, breakfast is almost ready." He slips away to make sure nothing's burning and to heat the oatmeal mix.

Shiro comes out in different sweats, still embarrassed. Still he's done worse in front of Curtis. Such as thrown up on himself in his sleep back on the Atlas. One of the first nights Curtis started checking on him. He hadn't even really woken up, either. Curtis had had to help him clean up. Change the sheets. He'd brought tea to help with his stomach. And never said a word to anyone about it. Not once.

They eat relatively quietly, seated at the counter with their knees touching.

"What time is it anyway?" Curtis mumbles, mostly to himself. Glancing at his watch he blinks. "We woke up early."

"Hm?"

"Its 0600. I usually get up closer to 0700. Guess I have time to lie around." He smiles a little.

"What'd'ya want me to pick up at the store?" Shiro mumbles. Already trying to decide on what kind of grooming products he needs. He knows most of Curtis' favorite snacks already. The man has a sweet tooth.

"Something not frozen or dried...how long am I staying?"

Turning red he shrugs. "We haven't really had a chance to talk and I don't want to do that before work if that's okay."

"Fine by me," Curtis agrees.

Done with his food he hops up, taking the now empty dishes and heading to the sink. He cleans up automatically, glad to have something to do. For all it's a hair harder with just one hand. He has to set the dish down to swab it out. Then he loads them into the dishwasher.

Curtis contentedly watches him move around the kitchen. They've only been together a few months as a couple now. But this feels right. He loves this man. Scars and all. And he knows Takashi feels the same way. After all he's been through, it's nice to let himself again. It's nice to be loved. It's nice to know the person he's letting himself be with is worthy of it. After his partner had died, Curtis had had a string of one offs and bad decisions. And he'd treated them and himself like trash.

One of the absolute best things about Takashi is that he makes Curtis feel so loved. So wanted. So incredibly safe and special and like he matters more than anything else in the world. Takashi has this special way of focusing on him that makes him feel like he's the only other person in the world.

"If I go in early I can leave early," Curtis says, and Takashi nods a little. "Gives us more time tonight?"

"Yeah. Sounds good." He smiles a little.

It seems a little forced but they've been through a lot. "Hey how's your back feeling?"

Blinking in surprise, he stretches a little, his hand on the small of his back. "Good."

"Lemme feel," Curtis smiles. When Takashi comes around the counter and leans over to present as much of his back as possible to his partner.

"Hey look, still not purple," Curtis teases, running his fingertips up and down Takashi's back. He laughs when Takashi arches under his touch, just like a cat. "I love you so much," he says affectionately.

"I love you, too. Please don't stop," he adds.

"Well. I will have to eventually. I can't be late." But all the same he scratches up and down his partner's back. He enjoys the way Takashi shifts under his hand. Deciding that both hands might be best in this situation he shifts on the stool to make it easier to give scratches.

Eventually it's time to go. They kiss goodbye and head out together, but part ways outside the building.

Shiro sends Keith a message.

Stuck going to the store. You need anything?

0645

Probably should grab some basics. Meet you at the store?

0647

Sounds good. No plants.

0648

Mom says you should bring 'your mate' a gift. Yes plants. Apparently. Or the skulls of your enemies. But that seems excessive.

0650

That would not match his decor, no.

0650

See you in 10.

0651

Keith finds Shiro in the personal grooming section of the store.

He looks up when he notices the Red Paladin. "Curtis also has a problem with my taste in body wash."

"I see."

"Problem is I have no idea what to pick," Shiro shrugs.

Keith peers over in the basket. It looks like Shiro has managed to pick up fruit, vegetables, and some kind of meat in the time it took him to wait for a train to pass. "Sorry I'm late, by the way."

"Stuck at the tracks?"

"Yeah. Slowest train I've ever seen. Couldn't have been going much over 80."

"Disappointing."

"Seems like you're mostly done."

"Still need snacks. And candy of some kind. Curtis is an addict."

"Where's your protein crap you always used to get?"

"I always hated it. And medical says I'm healthy now... So. I didn't buy any."

Keith looks over at Shiro and notices some things that disturb him. For one, every time he reaches out to maybe pick a bottle, there's some kind of tremor in his hand. Two, he's sweating and the store is chilly. Three, he's a little flushed. Four, his eyes seem glassy. Getting in closer, he lightly squeezes Shiro's shoulder and hides his expression. Shirt is damp. He's been distressed for a while.

"What about pine? You always had some weird thing for forest scented crap."

"No, that was Adam. I was the one who liked spearmint and wintergreen."

"So why did you always smell like-.... ? Ah."

Shiro turns red. "I know Curtis likes cinnamon. But I don't see that here."

"There's stuff that's kinda minty," Keith points out. "You can buy whatever you want." Personally he thinks having to change your scent to please your partner is ridiculous. Probably why he's not much for dating. "See this one?" He cracks the lid to sniff and then hands it over, watching Shiro's hand like a hawk.

The shaking is still there. He's still beading sweat around his hairline and his hair is starting to stick to his face.

"That's kind of the problem," Shiro mutters, sniffing the bottle. It smells nice. Shampoo. Okay. So now just body wash. Maybe something for dry skin? He's been itchy lately and Curtis is probably right. He's probably drying his skin out. He can take care of himself a little better for Curtis. "Is there matching body wash?" He asks, trying to read labels without giving away the entire aisle is swimming. He's so stressed out. Which is how he ended up just grabbing a random bottle and bailing the first time around.

Keith looks at him and back at the shelf quizzically before picking it up from right in front of Shiro and handing it to him. "Says ultra cleansing. Isn't that code for: will dry your skin out?"

"Oh. Maybe I should pick something else."

Unsure of what to make of this, he shrugs. "You could just get the same brand you used to, and pick a different scent."

Shiro shifts uncomfortably. "I can't remember what it was," he admits. "I'm missing a lot here and there," he tugs absently on his bangs. Remembering how his skull had been cracked open.

"It's this stuff in the red bottles. It's got some stupid names, though." He tries to keep his expression neutral. He knew Shiro had issues remembering everything that happened while he was enslaved as a gladiator. He had no idea Shiro had also lost any time before then.

"Whatever's there is fine."

"Maybe Lance would be more helpful," Keith suggests. Then they both look at each other and laugh. "Okay so definitely not. But hey there's only four options, so."

They test out each bottle, Shiro hates the first. Keith the second. The third and fourth take a while to decide between. Shiro just picks up the matching shampoo and dumps it in.

"Do you think I need more clothes?" He asks hesitantly.

Keith kind of stares. "Judging by your apartment? Probably." Watching Shiro looking over at something on the other end of the men's care aisle, he realizes he doesn't want to help shop for the next thing. "What kind of candy? I'll grab that while you finish up here."

Realizing Keith figured it out, he turns red. "Uh. He'll eat pretty much anything that isn't black licorice. But he's kinda partial to anything sour and then chocolate with almonds or peanuts."

"Got it."

"Thanks." Shiro wanders down to the other end of the men's aisle. There's an overwhelming amount of things and he's realizing he's not sure if Curtis has preferences. And his personal comm is off at work. And Shiro isn't going to call him about condom brands on a Garrison line. They're all recorded. While he's not sure if it will be days, weeks, or months until they need any supplies he'd rather have them on hand.

Thinking about what he's used before, he doesn't see any familiar packaging and the aisle blurs in and out of his vision for a minute. There, he grabs a few things. He's not into anything all that interesting, and looking at some of the grocery-store approved toys makes him feel uncomfortable. A few things look like something the Galra would have found a way to weaponize and use and while he's sure before all this he would have been game... Now he isn't. He realizes he doesn't even really want Curtis on top of him, either. Or at least, not inside him.

-

He can still feel the blood running down the inside of his thighs. Sometimes just dripping steadily down without touching his body at all. They'd ripped him open in a new way. Trying to find some other way to torture and scare him. He has no idea how they guessed that, or if it was half accidental. They hadn't realized that human joints really weren't that flexible when they broke his elbow. Just testing his limits.

Shuddering he's terrified of the scarring ripping open again. Of just anything tearing into him.

Trying to imagine if he could go down on Curtis his throat tightens and he swallows hard against a gag. What if it feels like the feeding tube they'd forced down his throat? He'd been refusing to eat after. Had tried to hide the bleeding. When it stopped he'd been so depressed he'd given up hope and reopened the wound. Tore skin. Hadn't cared. He'd wanted to bleed to death. They'd stapled the wound shut, drugged him with a paralytic that did nothing about the fact he couldn't sleep, shoved a tube down his throat, and chained him spread eagle so he couldn't move so much as an inch and inflict more damage.

-

Keith finally can't spend more time in candy and goes back to find Shiro. He's worried. He recognizes the stricken look he sees and gently takes Shiro's hand and pulls him away. "You can't get pregnant anyway, you don't need those."

Blinking and coming to, "school really failed you, didn't it?" He asks absently.

"You're cleared of any and all diseases and so's he. Nothing he can give you or vice versa."

"Maybe he doesn't like to swallow," Shiro says conversationally, still shaky. He knows Keith hates when he talks bluntly about this kind of stuff. So it'll stop the conversation in its tracks.

Keith makes a face. "Let's go find you a shirt that isn't black or grey?" He suggests.

"I look good in those colors."

"Yeah Shiro everyone does. What colors does Curtis like?"

Everything, Shiro wants to say. Curtis is full of life and color in spite of everything. "Purple. Galaxy purple like in those hubble telescope photos..." He says softly, thinking of the prints he's seen in Curtis' apartment. "Dark blue..." His bedroom.

"Great. There you go."

"Black and grey used to bring out my eyes..." Shiro teases, fluttering his eyelashes and trying to recover from earlier.

"And match your hair." Keith just shrugs and smiles blandly.

They wander over to the clothing section and browse. Shiro ends up with a simple deep purple henley, a dark navy vneck sweater, and Keith convinces him to try a maroon vneck tee and deep green henley, too. "Add some color old man."

They drop the groceries off, Shiro throws the meat and some seasoning into the crock pot. He can't bake to save his life but he can dump things in a pot and walk away. While he's busy Keith discovers Shiro's battered running shoes. After lecturing the other man about his knees and feet taking unnecessary damage he forces Shiro back out to get new shoes.

Then he drags him to get some nicer towels, a second set of sheets, and some actual jeans, and some nice button ups so Shiro can dress up a little without going full uniform. Shiro only has 2 pairs of black pants and Keith feels odd realizing what they're doing. Maybe he he should have let Curtis do this. But Shiro started on his own. Keith just helped him finish. And made sure he had more than just the absolute bare minimum cheapest crap he could pick in two seconds.

When they get back Keith helps him load all the fabric into the wash so it'll be ready before Curtis gets back. He has a feeling the other man will appreciate all the changes. Looking at the clock he's surprised its only a little after 1400 hours.

He notices Shiro never really stops shaking, and he seems uncomfortable the whole time. Not unwilling just not himself, either. "Do you remember forcing me to pick out clothes?" He asks suddenly.

"Yeah you were a real shithead."

"Thanks for not returning the favor."

"Wouldn't know how to be that obnoxious even if I tried," Shiro smiles.

"So magnanimous."

Shiro shakes his head a little. He flops tiredly onto the couch unsure what to make of all of it.

Keith lets Shiro sleep, fear mounting in his chest cavity. He switches the laundry into the dryer. He's not sure what to do to help Shiro. But at least the man has food. Nice sheets, soft towels. New, clean clothes. The food smells good, and Keith finds himself puttering around looking for things to do, because he's afraid to leave Shiro alone.

Eventually he settles on the couch, putting a hand on Shiro's chest to feel his heartbeat. It seems steady. Normal. Healthy. But the tremors, the sweating, the indecision... It's all so concerning.

Eventually the dryer dings softly. Keith gets up and finds himself remaking the bed, folding clothes and more or less pacing around again. Somewhat amused he's the one taking care of Shiro for a change, he settles back down on the couch when the housekeeping is done, watching him sleep.

He dozes off eventually, and wakes up to the door sliding open.

Curtis smiles as Keith hastily exits, and sniffs the air appreciatively.

Kneeling down by the couch he presses a gentle kiss on Takashi's forehead. "Hey handsome," he smiles gently. "Wake up, love."

Takashi blinks awake, and smiles when he sees Curtis. Curtis gently strokes his cheek and kisses him.

"You hungry?" He asks gently. "Food smells good, what is it?"

"Brisket, and I have veggie salad in the fridge. Just needs dressing."

"Sounds good to me, you ready?"

"Yeah. Keith ran me ragged."

"I can see that. Once we eat do you just wanna go back to bed?"

"No, we should talk."

"Okay," Curtis agrees. Kissing his forehead again he stands up. Watches Takashi shift an arm under himself and sit up, and ease his body off the couch. He seems like he's moving easier. Less stiff.

Takashi quietly gets out plates and silverware, still half asleep. Pulling the salad out he has 2 choices for dressing and lets Curtis pick. Dumping food onto his plate, he settles at the counter and waits for Curtis to do the same.

When he's done serving himself, he unbuttons his uniform, and settles the jacket across the back of his chair. "Thanks for dinner."

"Of course," Takashi smiles back. They bump knees as they eat. He's happy to eat quietly, the hustle and bustle of running errands and dealing with people has him drained. The nap helps but just sitting there with his leg against Curtis' makes him feel better. That and not being required to talk around the food.

Half wondering if they should have talked first, in case he made himself sick, he breathes out a sigh through his nose.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I didn't mean to wear myself out so badly, though. Sorry."

Curtis nudges his leg, "it's fine."

When he finishes he rinses off his dishes and loads them.

"You cooked, I would have cleaned up."

"You do most of the hard work in our relationship, I think," Shiro smiles. "I can handle some dishes."

Curtis frowns a bit, but decides that can be part of their conversation later. He's absolutely not going to let that slide. Their needs just look different. He smiles when Takashi pulls out a sack of candy. And then laughs when he realizes how full it is. "Trying to fatten me up?"

"I just... There'll always be some here for you."

Holding out his hand he takes Takashi's gently as he comes around the counter and tugs him in close, between his legs. Tipping his face up they kiss for a few moments. Soft and gentle. They pull away and smile. Takashi is a little pink and Curtis smiles. Seems like everything works fine now.

[scottrunsultras]

Weight loss by Scott

One bright spot to an awful start to training for the year is that I actually managed to figure out a way to get leaner.  Between early January and late February I managed to lose 11 pounds.  I’ve more or less held steady since then, adding a bit on my week in Canada and dropping it again within a couple weeks of getting back.  And at this point I’ve achieved enough dietary zen that I don’t crave anything bad for me anymore.  And knowing full well that everyone is different so this probably won’t work for others like it’s worked for me, here are the steps I followed to do it:

Nothing but fruit, nuts, and protein powder before lunch every day.  I make rare allowances for something else on days where eating specific things is logistically difficult (a banana and a clif builder bar if I’m skiing or snowboarding or an rx bar before longer runs).

No useless carbs.  I’m not necessarily eating “low carb,” but I’m being mindful about not eating carbs that don’t really add any value to the meal.  So basically no bread, no pasta, minimal rice, no oat meal, minimal granola.  I make an exception for tortillas in a breakfast burritos.  And I don’t always stick to this 100%.  But that’s the goal.  I get plenty of carbs from the fruit I eat.

No junk with added sugar.  No candy, no baked goods, no energy bars, no high sugar yogurt.  Basically my only sugar comes from fruit.  I know this sounds super hard and blasphemous, but after a few days of discipline it’s not that hard.

1 salad as a meal per day.  So a salad for lunch or dinner.  It can be huge, it can have good, fatty dressing, but it needs to be a salad.  I probably get this 5-6 times per week.

Snack on nuts or fruit whenever I feel like I need to.

Try to aim high on protein.  I typically have 1-2 protein shakes per day (25-50 grams).

No eating between roughly 7 pm and 9 am.  Schedules sometimes dictate a later dinner.  But once dinner is done, no more for the rest of the night.  The only real exception to that is the occasional protein shake if I’m really hungry and I don’t feel like I’ve had enough protein that day.

**This is important** Aim low on portion size and eat more later if you’re still hungry.  For me at least, it’s really easy to keep eating when there’s more food sitting in front of me.  But when my option is to eat cashews or cheese or something because I’m not full, a lot of times I just don’t bother.

I know this sounds super hard and I wasn’t expecting myself to have 8 rules when I started writing this, but it’s really not that bad.  The first couple of days I find myself eating a ton of nuts and I worry that I’m eating way too much.  But by 3 or 4 days in I stop eating as much and after a week or two of really following this I’m eating significantly less and am never seriously hungry.  Add in running 4 or 5 times a week and weight was falling off.  It may have ended up being a ketogenic situation since the running was burning off the carbs that I was eating.  But I never got that walking dead feeling when I tried going ketogenic before.  Now I’m kind of in maintenance mode since I hit my initial weight goal (sub-170) and I have a vacation coming up.  But I’m still basically eating the same things.

Not sure if this will help anyone.  But I’m someone that has really really struggled to lose weight and break out of bad eating habits and it was fairly easy to follow for me.  Don’t @ me with the high sodium content of all the nuts.  Perfect is the enemy of good.

[notarelationship]

Along For The Rides, Ch 10

Blaine and Kurt get their summer romance on. Mostly fluff, awkward flirting, a side of misunderstanding and some hanky panky.

Rating: M, but nothing too intense Words: This chapter ~ 5000 Warnings this chapter: none

Read it on AO3,

Read it on Tumblr

thanks to @honeysucklepink pink for the beta of course, as usual all mistakes are my own.

This is indeed the home stretch. One more after this, for real this time.

--

The only possible explanation for how Blaine feels when he wakes up is that an elephant must have sat on him overnight. His back hurts, his left butt cheek hurts, it hurts when he breathes and his arms don’t want to help him get out of bed.

He knows he’s in Kurt’s bed, that part he hasn’t forgotten. They definitely fell asleep kissing. Or, Blaine fell asleep kissing Kurt. Kurt may have been up longer, he’ll have to ask him. If only he could move.  Kurt’s bed is so comfortable and the sound of the rain on the windows is so soothing that Blaine would like to never leave this spot.

He and Kurt still have some things to talk about, though. Blaine was shocked last night when Kurt finally explained why he had been so upset with him, but lying here thinking about it now - well, he wants to murder Jeff - but also it’s possible Kurt may have gotten some wrong impressions. Blaine wants to fix that.

With Hulk-like effort Blaine manages to get into a half sitting position, his butt complaining loudly that it doesn’t really want to be sat on yet.

“Hey sleepyhead.” Kurt comes in and sits on the edge of the bed, setting a few thing on the side table, including a bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water. “How are you feeling?”

Blaine stifles a yawn. Kurt has super adorable bed-head, bangs hanging over his forehead that almost reach his eyebrows, and he’s still in his pajamas, but he looks more awake than Blaine feels.

“Okay. Sore. Like I could sleep for a year,” Blaine answers. “But also grateful.” He reaches over to drum his fingers on the back of Kurt’s hand, and Kurt responds by tangling his fingers with Blaine’s. It’s a small gesture but Blaine’s heart swells with relief when he does it. “Thank you. I can’t imagine how terrible last night would have been in the camper. I really do appreciate what you’ve done, Kurt.”

Kurt smiles at him, but waves off the thanks. If it’s not the shy, flirty smile Blaine was getting earlier in the week, it at least seems genuine, so Blaine will take it.

“I made some breakfast, if you’re hungry. I don’t know what you want to do since it’s going to rain all day, but I’ve got a ton of movies we could watch, or if you think it would help I can get another bath going. Or you could just sleep if that’s what you’re up for.”

Every muscle in his body feels like screaming, but Blaine is not going to sleep away a chance to spend the day with Kurt, and hopefully earn Kurt’s trust, if not his affection. After last night he believes he can.

“Hungry.” When Kurt laughs he goes on. “But I might take you up on the bath again later. Everything hurts.” Blaine winces when he tries to stretch his muscles.

“Oh, here.” Kurt takes one of the bottles he’d brought with him. “Arnica. For the bruises. It might just be a placebo effect, but it helped me when I had them. And I brought you some more pain killers.” Kurt gestures to the side table. “Come on into the den whenever you’re up to it.” Blaine wants to ask about the bruises Kurt alluded to, but Kurt is up and out of the bedroom before he can.

When Blaine finally makes it out of the bedroom he’s overwhelmed in the best way by what he sees.  Spread out on the coffee table is a bowl of cut fruit and a basket of muffins, with a full pot of coffee sitting next to what looks like a warming dish. Blaine can’t see what’s inside, but after five weeks of eating microwavable breakfast sandwiches from 7-Eleven, Blaine wants to throw himself at Kurt’s feet in gratitude. He doesn’t, but he wants to.

“Kurt this looks amazing,” is what he says instead, settling onto the sofa.

“Do you need a pillow or anything?” Kurt asks, after Blaine struggles to get comfortable. When Blaine nods, Kurt helps him shift around until he is both comfortable enough to sit and upright enough to eat. It’s slightly awkward, but Blaine doesn’t really mind all the touching. “I thought it would be easier for you out here than sitting at the table, is that okay?”

Blaine reaches for one of the muffins. “Are these blueberry? When did you have time to get muffins?”

“I made them this morning. You’ll have to let me know if they’re up to coffee shop standards.” Kurt blushes and lifts the lid off the warming dish. “And I made scrambled eggs - it’s important to get some protein in too.”

“You made -?” Blaine breaks a muffin in half and puts the entire half in his mouth. It’s delicious.  “Kurt these are amazing. I can’t believe everything you’re doing for me. You really don’t have to go to all this trouble.”

“It’s no trouble Blaine, I usually cook for my dad anyway, and well, he’s not here.” Kurt stops and swallows, then turns to look at Blaine. “And I’d like to start over, if we could. With less confusion.”

Blaine finished chewing the rest of the muffin, swallowing while he meets Kurt’s gaze. “No.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to start over.”

Kurt looks away, and Blaine can see how disappointed he is before he says anything. “Okay, I -“

“No Kurt, wait. Let me finish. I don’t want to start over because I don’t want to waste how far we’ve come. I don’t want to forget our first date or the first time I kissed you. I want those moments to stay with us, whatever we might have - however long or short it lasts. We’ve only got until tomorrow morning, and I want to make the most of it.”

Kurt’s eyes are big, and Blaine can’t quite read what he might be feeling, but now that he’s started he just wants to get it all out.

“I sort of got the feeling last night, when we were talking in the car, that what you think I’ve been getting up to is a lot more scandalous than the truth of it.”

Kurt’s still watching him, not quite skeptical, but unsure of where the story is going.

“What I mean is that just because I made out with a few guys in the parking lot doesn’t mean I have a lot of experience either. I mean, I barely knew their names.”

Kurt’s expression is blank, and Blaine runs his hands through his hair. This is coming out all wrong.

“I don’t mean I just messed around with anyone.” Blaine tries to clarify. “It’s just that -”

“They didn’t mean anything,” Kurt finishes.

“Exactly,” Blaine says, and for a fraction of a second he thinks that’s an explanation, but he can see Kurt’s expression wobble. “Kurt. You aren’t like them.”

“You keep saying that. But I don’t know how to know if that’s true.” Blaine watches as Kurt silently fills a plate with eggs and fruit and a muffin and then sit back and eat quietly.

“Do you want to know why I took this job? With Sam at the carnival?” Kurt doesn’t say anything, but he does look at Blaine, so he continues. “Five weeks ago I had never kissed a guy either. Sam talked me into coming with him this summer because I didn’t want to go off to college in September a completely inexperienced dork from Ohio who didn’t know any more about sex than what he’d seen on the internet.”

“So, what have you experienced?” Kurt asks. He’s trying to be casual about it, but he’s blushing crimson to his eyebrows. “Have you just made out with these guys? Like what we’ve done?”

For a second Blaine doesn’t want to answer. He almost wants to say it’s none of Kurt’s business - partially because it isn’t, but also because he’s not entirely proud of himself.

But then he looks at Kurt and realizes Kurt’s not actually judging him - but he is curious.

“Your silence speaks volumes,” Kurt says.

“I’m not ashamed of anything Kurt, and I don’t regret anything I did. I mean, it all felt good in the moment. But honestly? Afterward it didn’t feel like much. And it only happened a few times before I had had enough.” Blaine doesn’t really want to go into too much detail unless Kurt really wants him to. But there was one thing he did want Kurt to know. “Then I met you. And I wanted to find as many excuses as I could to spend time with you.”

Kurt is still quiet, but he looks like he’s thinking about everything that Blaine said, so Blaine finally helps himself to some of the rest of the food Kurt had put out. He’s in dire need of coffee too.

“Can I confess something too, while we’re laying it all out there?” Kurt asks. Blaine nods and Kurt goes on. “At first? I thought the same thing. It was two weeks, tops, what could it hurt? You were the first guy - my own age anyway - that looked at me with any sort of interest. And Rachel said - she suggested, I mean, that maybe you were interested in me and I could just have a little fling and, well.” Kurt looks sheepish for a moment, then he shrugs.  “Then I wouldn’t be an inexperienced dork from Ohio either, not that I’m going anywhere.” Kurt refills both of their coffee mugs and then sits back against the arm of the couch so he can look at Blaine, his hands cradling his mug. “But then you were so sweet to me.”

“I swear, I meant everything I said, Everything I did.” Blaine shuffles forward, taking the mug from Kurt’s hands and setting it on the table before taking both of Kurt’s hands into his own. “It feels so incredibly unfair that I finally meet someone special,” he looks at Kurt, hoping he can see just how sincere he really is, “and circumstances conspired to impose an expiration date.”

Kurt shifts so he’s closer, and he’s definitely holding Blaine’s hands, and Blaine can see him looking at his mouth. So he takes the leap, moving in to kiss him, and Kurt kisses back hungrily.

They don’t stop. Kurt runs his hands over Blaine’s body, gasping when he reaches the muscles in his arms. Blaine’s proud of those muscles — he’s worked hard all summer and he’s happy he’ll at least have a nice body to show for it. When Kurt keeps going Blaine does too, running his hands over Kurt’s chest, over his clothes, but when Kurt whines into his mouth Blaine pushes on, sliding his hands under Kurt’s shirt so he can get them on his skin.

“Blaine.” Kurt pulls away, but Blaine keeps kissing his throat. “Should we, um.”

“Hmmm?”

“Do you want to, um --”

It takes Blaine a second, but he eventually realizes that Kurt is trying to get his attention. “Is everything okay? Do you want to stop?” Blaine sits back, wincing when he lands on his bruise. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to push.”

“Blaine, no, it’s okay. I want to, I -- do you want to move to the bedroom?”

Blaine isn’t sure he heard right. “What?”

“I just thought you might be more comfortable lying down.” Kurt is flushed to his ears, and Blaine would find it adorable if he wasn’t about to get horizontal with the sweetest, hottest guy he’s ever met. “I don’t want to accidentally make things worse in the moment, you know?” Kurt is starting to look a little less sure of his question. “Unless you don’t want to?”

“Oh! No, I mean yes! Yes, I want to. I mean if you do.” Blaine glances to the food all still out on the table. “Should we put this away?”

Kurt stands and holds out his hand. “No.”

--

The bed is still messy, and Kurt pushes the sheets over the foot of the bed as he climbs in. He doesn’t know if he should sit up or lie down, or what he should do at all, actually. So he sits.

“Is this more comfortable?” he asks, hoping Blaine can’t tell how completely terrified he is of what’s about to happen. And he doesn’t even know what’s about to happen. “Did you want to lie down?”

Blaine shuffles over on his knees and pulls Kurt into a quick kiss before pressing him down onto the bed. “This is more comfortable,” he says as he hovers on his hands and knees over Kurt. “Is this okay?” Kurt nods.

Then Blaine's mouth is on his neck, and he’s sucking small kisses into Kurt’s skin, and he gasps with each press of Blaine’s lips. Kurt isn't sure what to do or where to put his hands or how to breathe. Blaine is straddling his thighs, knees pressed against them, his arms extended on either side of Kurt’s head and he keeps asking if this is okay, if Kurt is okay, does Kurt want him to do anything, but somehow the only part of Blaine that is touching him is his mouth over and over and over and it doesn’t seem to be enough. Blaine kisses his neck, his jaw, below his ear, across his cheek and after each careful press of mouth to skin he brushes his mouth across the corner of Kurt's and asks him again, is this okay? and tell me if it’s not okay. Kurt can't imagine how it could not be okay, and he really wants to tell Blaine that he doesn’t have to be so careful because it is so okay. Kurt's hands are grasping at the sheet, and he's hard and his hips are shifting into air, into nothing, and he thinks Blaine is hard too but he can't see, because his head is bent backwards so Blaine can get at his neck easier and he thinks he has never felt anything so good or so right in his life, but he still can't tell if Blaine is hard because it’s his mouth that’s everywhere and his body is too, too far away, and Kurt doesn't know where to put his hands. "I ca-d-don't," but that's all that comes out. Blaine's lips drag slow across Kurt's skin, as if he can't separate from it, and Blaine mumbles against  him, sorry, I'm sorry, I'll stop, and Kurt can't have that so he gathers all the sense he has left and says no don't stop I just, just what? Blaine is so careful and Kurt wants to touch him so bad.

"I don't know where to put my hands." Blaine pulls back, just enough to see Kurt's face to look into his eyes with an open mouthed grin. "Where do you want to put your hands Kurt?" Kurt tugs a little on Blaine's shirt, ruching it up toward his shoulders, and places his hands gingerly on Blaine's waist, careful to avoid any obvious injury,  and Kurt's whole body lights up because no one has ever wanted him to touch them like this, and Blaine is all gorgeous skin and taut muscle and he smells like everything Kurt has ever wanted (and a little like Arnica, but that’s okay too). His thumbs press into the skin just at Blaine's hip bones and Blaine makes a noise somewhere between a growl and a whine and presses his mouth to Kurt's again, lips parted, tongue insistent, until Kurt licks back and can't help but shift his hips toward Blaine because he wants so very much for Blaine to get closer, to press his whole body against Kurt but Kurt doesn't know how to ask, so he keeps pulling Blaine but Blaine is resisting and maybe, maybe he doesn't want that. But that doesn't make any sense because he literally can't stop kissing Kurt so he must want more of something, so Kurt keeps pulling, his hands moving under Blaine's shirt and over the skin on his back until finally Blaine pulls further away, leaning back as Kurt follows with his body and sits up in front of him, Blaine rests his forehead against Kurt’s "Kurt, I want, I want  --” And it just sits there and Kurt doesn't know.

"You want?" Kurt asks, like he really has no idea and he doesn't.

"I want to so bad, but if I touch you I won't want to stop and I need to know if it's okay, if you want to not stop too. With me. Now." Kurt leans in and kisses him, less frantic. "I want to. Not stop, I mean, I want to touch you too." He kisses him again, pulling Blaine's shirt up and whispering, "Can you take this off?"

Blaine nods and pulls his shirt over his head a little gingerly, tugging at Kurt's right after. "Okay?"

Kurt nods and Blaine tugs and Kurt can see Blaine's eyes go wide and his lips part as he stares at Kurt's chest and his shoulders, but Kurt isn't done. He slips a finger under the elastic of Blaine's sweatpants, careful to avoid the flat waistband of his briefs. "Maybe these too?" He breathes. He wants more skin, but he's not sure how ready he is to be completely naked. "Blaine?" Blaine is almost panting now, okay, okay and Kurt can see him swallow. "I never, um, I've never been --” Kurt doesn't know what he's going to say so he waits, one hand on Blaine's shoulder. Blaine looks unsure for the first time since they started kissing on the couch. "I've never, um, done this before, with ahh, no clothes on."

He's staring over Kurt's shoulder, but ticks a quick glance back to Kurt. Kurt can only give him the truth right now.  “Me either.”  Blaine nods. “We don’t have to get completely naked yet, if you’re not ready,” Kurt offers. Blaine wriggles out of his shorts, and he’s left in a snug pair of Kurt’s underwear. “God that’s hot,” Kurt exhales.

The corner of Blaine’s mouth ticks up, and he kisses Kurt back down to the mattress. And he keeps going, he kisses Kurt’s throat and collarbone, down his chest until he tongues over one nipple. When Kurt gasps and bucks his hips, Blaine does it again, and again, until Kurt is writhing under him, one hand buried in Blaine’s hair, the other gripping him anywhere.

When Blaine gets to Kurt’s belly button, he licks over it slowly, hooking his fingers into Kurt’s sweatpants. Kurt pushes up onto his elbows, and Blaine looks at him. “Can I?” Kurt nods, and Blaine pulls them off quickly, his attention returning immediately to where Kurt’s cock is thick and obvious in his briefs. Blaine’s hand hovers over it, and Kurt watches as he licks his lips over and over. He wants to close his eyes and let Blaine do whatever he wants, but he doesn’t want to miss anything either. “I want to touch you,” Blaine asks, looking up at him with the question in his eyes.

Kurt nods again. “Uh huh.”

Blaine’s palm is on him quickly, rubbing unsure over his fabric covered cock, until he finally grips the shaft and jerks him a few times in his underwear. Kurt falls back to the bed, but it’s not enough. Any hesitation he had about being naked with a guy, with Blaine, goes out the window and he reaches for Blaine’s wrist, slowing him down. “Wait. Get these off.” Kurt thumbs under the elastic and stretches it over his cock as it flops back onto his hip with a soft smack. Blaine stares, then sits up just long enough to strip completely naked.

“Ready now.”

Kurt can’t stop himself from touching, and he wraps his hand around Blaine’s cock, eyes wide as a drop of fluid pearls at the head. Kurt thumbs over the drop, over the soft head as Blaine curses quietly, a hand in Kurt’s hair. “Fuck, don’t stop.”  

Kurt jacks him slowly at first, wonder and intense arousal churning in his belly. He goes faster when Blaine whines harder, his hips thrusting as he fucks into Kurt’s fist. Blaine loses his balance, propping himself on outstretched arms as Kurt falls back again on the bed. “I’m gonna come,” he whines, kissing Kurt hard before throwing his head back and coming into Kurt’s fist and onto his stomach as Kurt jerks him through every spurt.

“Oh my god,” Blaine exhales, laughing and kissing Kurt again, a bit longer this time. “I was gonna do that to you.”

Kurt isn’t sure what to do, so he wipes his hand on the sheet with a nervous chuckle. “Was that okay?”

“So okay.” Blaine kisses him again, wrapping his hand around Kurt’s cock as he does. “God you feel good.”

Kurt wants to say something hot, or seductive, or any other thing you’re supposed to when you have sex, but all he can do is moan and thrust into Blaine’s hand. Blaine doesn’t seem to mind though, and he keep talking, gorgeous, and so hot, and fuck Kurt spill from his lips. Kurt can tell he’s close, and he spreads his thighs just enough to reach between them, rubbing below his balls and Blaine chokes sliding his hand next to Kurt’s.

“Oh god let me, please Kurt.” Kurt can only whine and close his eyes, as Blaine presses his thumb along Kurt’s perineum.  Blaine he finally manages, spreading his legs further. Blaine slips a finger between his cheeks, pressing, pressing, as he jerks Kurt’s cock faster and Kurt doesn’t know what he wants more and he can’t help pressing against Blaine’s finger, thrusting into his fist, finally lifting off the bed, come splashing across his chest, hitting Blaine across his chin. Kurt wants to think it’s gross, but it’s not and he can’t breathe, so he just thumbs the droplets off of Blaine before he drops to the bed next to him.

“Oh my god,” Kurt gasps. “Ohmygod.”

“Kurt that was so hot,” Blaine says. He’s lying on his back next to Kurt, but his head is turned so he’s looking at him, and Kurt can see desire still in his eyes.

“It was,” Kurt answers, then he starts laughing. Blaine grins and in moments is laughing with him. They giggle together for a while, and when Kurt finally catches his breath, he mouths “Thank you” at Blaine.

Blaine shakes his head slowly. “It was amazing for me too Kurt, no thanks necessary.” Since Blaine is the slightly more functional of the two, he goes to the bathroom for a warm washcloth, cleaning up the worst of the mess before climbing back into bed next to Kurt. “Nap,” he says, pulling Kurt into his arms.

--

Kurt wakes about an hour later with his body half sprawled over Blaine’s, his mouth open to a trail of drool on Blaine’s chest.

“Oh gross,” he whispers out loud, wriggling away to discreetly wipe his mouth.

“Hey,” Blaine says softly, and Kurt rolls back to his side to face him.

“I think I drooled on you.”

Blaine smiles. “You did a lot of things on me.���

“Oh my god.” Kurt turns his head and buries his face in the pillow.

“I hardly minded.” Kurt can feel Blaine’s fingers tracing over his shoulder, down his arm, finally resting on his side. He opens one eye to peek at Blaine, but he’s just laying there looking at Kurt, one arm curled under his head and the other still drawing on Kurt's skin.

“What time is it?” Kurt can’t see light coming brought the window shades, but with the rain it could be any time.

“No idea,” Blaine says. He makes some squirmy motion that Kurt thinks might be an attempt at a shrug, then dips his head to place a soft kiss on the corner of Kurt's mouth. “But not that late, I don’t think.”

Kurt takes a few moments to look at Blaine. His hair is tousled, his lips pink but no longer as irresistibly plump as after they’d been kissing all over Kurt’s body. His eyes are bright, even in the dim room, and such a clear shade of hazel they looked almost yellow.  Kurt runs a hand over Blaine’s chest, stopping at the purpling bruise. “How do you feel?”

“Hmmm, like someone beat me up.” He smirks, but Kurt isn’t sure it’s funny.

“Does that happen a lot?” He asks.

Blaine looks confused. “Does what happen a lot?”

“Getting beat up?’” He’s tracing the scar on Blaine’s ribs with a finger.

“No? Just that first time. And well, weirdly this summer. I did take boxing lessons after that first time, but I have to be careful with my hands.”

“Oh yeah, why?”

Blaine mimes playing the piano. “I start Juilliard in September. I need to be able to play.”

Kurt sits up and stares down at Blaine. “What.” It’s barely a question.

Blaine looks a little sheepish. “I play piano.”

“Why has this never come up before?” Kurt is overwhelmed by the idea that Blaine plays piano well enough to get into Juilliard, but he’s more startled by the realization that even though the past two weeks have been filled with Blaine, and he feels like he has a pretty good idea of who he is as a person, he really doesn’t know anything about Blaine’s life.

Blaine sits up and puts a hand on Kurt’s leg, obviously looking to re-establish a connection that Kurt can feel is a little shaky. “I don’t know? There’s no piano at the carnival?” Concern flickers over Blaine’s features. “Kurt, is there something wrong?”

Kurt considers Blaine for a long moment. He’d definitely assumed a lot of things about him over the past few weeks, starting with the day he dropped out of the camper at the garage. Kurt’s laugh is self-deprecating. “No, no nothing’s wrong Blaine. I just -- I think I need to take some of my own advice about not making assumptions about people a little closer to heart.”

Blaine still looks worried though. “Like what?”

“This is going to sound stupid.” Blaine squeezes Kurt’s fingers. “I don’t know, when I met you you were driving an RV and working for a carnival. I guess the last thing I expect from a carny is admittance to Juilliard?”

Blaine grins and chuckles. “Yes well, we’ve had to rush a few things.”

Kurt smiles, feeling bold enough to lean forward and kiss Blaine on the mouth. “I guess so,” he says quietly. Blaine kisses him back, but they stop before it can get too heated. “How would you feel about a shower and a movie marathon? We can spend the evening playing twenty questions and see how much we don’t know about each other?”

Blaine’s answering smile is bright and soft. “That actually sounds amazing.”

--

Blaine is sitting at the kitchen island while Kurt makes him a care package of homemade sandwiches and snacks for the next few days, then Kurt is going to drive him to the site. They have to tear down today and get on the road to the next, and last, stop. He’s dressed in his clean carnival uniform - it turns out that Kurt is a wonder with stain removal, though Blaine shouldn’t be surprised. Kurt is good at everything.  It might even be the cleanest Blaine has ever seen it.

“So remember to be careful. It’s only two more weeks Blaine. Please don’t do anything that would keep you from New York, okay?”

Blaine shakes his head emphatically. “No way. I’m not touching anything the rest of the summer.” Kurt rolls his eyes.  “If there’s even a chance you’ll be in New York. Kurt, I’ll be there waiting.”

Kurt sighs and puts the last sandwich in a bag. “If I get in you’ll be the first person I tell. I promise.” Kurt packs everything up in an extra bookbag he had that he wasn’t using, and hands it to Blaine with a quick kiss.

Blaine can’t resist looking through the bag when they’re riding in the car. There is definitely more in there than just a few sandwiches. He feels around and pulls a t-shirt out. It’s Kurt’s Hummel Tire and Lube t-shirt.

“Kurt, I love this,” Blaine says, his voice thick with emotion.

He can see Kurt’s worrying his lips with his teeth, and his answer is teasing, but Blaine can hear how vulnerable Kurt is feeling. “It’s really for all the guys you meet the rest of the summer. Warn them off.”

“There won’t be any other guys Kurt,” Blaine says. And he knows it’s true.

“You can’t know that.”

“I can. I do.”

“Well, just don’t forget about me, okay?”

“It would not be possible for me to forget about you.”

They pull into the parking lot, and Kurt gets out with Blaine, walking him to the trailer. The other guys have already gotten started with the teardown, so Blaine needs to join them.

“Okay?” Blaine asks.

Kurt nods, but doesn’t say anything, so Blaine pulls him close, kissing him solidly on the mouth.

“I will text you,” he says when they break apart. “And I will call you when I can.”

“Just be safe, okay?” Is all Kurt says. Blaine says he will, and Kurt gets in his car and drives away.

--

Later that night Kurt is getting ready for bed -- his nighttime moisturizing routine has not been getting the attention it needs, and Kurt fears his skin is starting to show it -- when he gets a text. His dad is home from his trip and asleep already, so it can’t be him. He knows who he wants it to be, but he makes himself finish his routine before he checks.

When he thumbs open his phone he sees it’s a photo, and he clicks on it to find a picture of Blaine, messy hair and huge smile, wearing the t-shirt Kurt gave him. Seconds later another text comes through.

B: I’m all yours