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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 11 months ago

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By: Jonathan Haidt

Published: Dec 22, 2023

[Note: this is post #1 of a pair of posts. The second post gives the text of chapter 3 of The Coddling of the American Mind.]

In the days after the October 7 Hamas attack on Israel, university campuses immediately distinguished themselves as places set apart from the rest of American society—zones where different moral rules applied. Even before Israel began its military response, the loudest voices on campus were not university leaders condemning the attacks and vowing solidarity with their Jewish and Israeli students. Instead, the world saw faculty members and student organizations celebrating the attacks.

Political commentator and Atlantic author David Frum summed up the moral uniqueness of the academy in this tweet, four days after the attack:

Since then, there have been hundreds of antisemitic incidents on campuses including vandalism of Jewish sites, physical intimidation, physical assault, and death threats against Jewish students, often from other students. The response from university administrators has often been slow, weak, or entirely absent.

[ Image. The scene on the exterior wall of my office building at NYU on the morning of October 17, 2023. NYU students had posted fliers about Israelis kidnapped by Hamas. Other NYU students tore them down. Other NYU students posted more of them. ]

Why is the culture of elite higher education so fertile for antisemitism, and why are our defenses against it so weak? Don’t we have the world's most advanced academic concepts and bureaucratic innovations for identifying hatred of all kinds, even expressions of hatred so small, veiled, and unconscious that we call them “micro-aggressions” and “implicit biases”?

Yes, we do, but it turns out that they don’t apply when Jews are the targets,1 and this was the shocking hypocrisy on display in that Congressional hearing room on December 5. Congresswoman Elise Stefanik asked the President of the University of Pennsylvania “Does calling for the genocide of Jews violate Penn's rules or code of conduct, yes or no?” President Magill was unable to say yes. When the question was asked in various ways to all three presidents, none could say yes. All said variations of “it depends on the context.”

Now, as a social psychologist who studies moral judgment, I’m all for context. Technically, those presidents were correct that students chanting “from the river to the sea” may or may not be advocating killing all the Jews in Israel. Those chanting “globalize the intifada” may or may not be calling for terrorist attacks on Jewish sites around the world. And even if they were, such political speech is protected by the First Amendment unless the speech is made in a context that is likely to incite actual violence, constitutes a “true threat,” or rises to the level of discriminatory harassment. Those three presidents could have said that their universities are bastions of free speech where everyone lives and dies by the First Amendment.

In fact, they tried to say that, and this is why they were so widely pilloried for hypocrisy. Like most elite schools, Harvard, Penn, and MIT have spent the last ten years punishing professors for their research findings and disinviting speakers who questioned the value of DEI. (See The Canceling of the American Mind for dozens of other examples.) As has been widely reported, Harvard and Penn are the top two schools in America for creating terrible speech climates, according to the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression.

What on earth happened to the academy? As Fareed Zakaria recently asked: How did America’s elite universities go from being “the kinds of assets the world looks at with admiration and envy” just eight years ago, to becoming objects of ridicule today? How did we bungle things so badly?

Greg Lukianoff and I wrote a book that tried to answer that question in 2018, as it was happening.

The Coddling of the American Mind tells the story of how American universities lost their collective minds, beginning around 2014 when student demands for protections from speech seemed to appear out of nowhere, including calls for trigger warnings, safe spaces, bias response teams, and mandatory trainings around language use. The students were supported by some faculty members and some administrators, and their combined force pressured many university leaders to accede to their demands even though, privately, many had misgivings.2

The new morality driving these reforms was antithetical to the traditional virtues of academic life: truthfulness, free inquiry, persuasion via reasoned argument, equal opportunity, judgment by merit, and the pursuit of excellence. A subset of students had learned this new morality in some of their courses, which trained them to view everyone as either an oppressor or a victim. Students were taught to use identity as the primary lens through which everything is to be understood, not just in their coursework but in their personal and political lives. When students are taught to use a single lens for everything, we noted, their education is harming them, rather than improving their ability to think critically.

This new morality, we argued, is what drove universities off a cliff. For a while, the descent was gradual, but at Halloween, 2015, in a courtyard at Yale, the free fall began. Students and administrators espousing the new morality demanded reforms at Yale and, over the next few months, at dozens of other schools. With a few exceptions, university leaders did not stand up to the new morality, critique its intellectual shortcomings, or say no to demands and ultimatums.

You can see the fall of higher ed in data from Gallup. The figure below shows that as recently as 2015, most Democrats and even most Republicans had high confidence in higher education as an institution. (Independents were evenly split). A mere eight years later, higher ed had alienated not just Republicans, but also independents. The trend for Democrats was down as well. The survey was fielded in June of 2023, well before the current mess.

[ Figure 1. Percent of U.S. adults with "a great deal" or "quite a lot" of confidence in higher education. Source: Gallup (2023). ]

The good news is that the academy’s free fall is now over. American higher ed hit rock bottom on December 5, 2023 in that Congressional hearing room. Anyone who wants universities to bounce back and regain the trust of the American people must understand this new morality and ensure that it never holds sway on campus again.

The key chapter for understanding the new morality is chapter 3. I recently re-read that chapter and thought it would be of help to those who are struggling to comprehend the enormity of the culture change on so many campuses since 2015. Greg and I explained the transformation as the triumph of a cognitive distortion—binary thinking—such that students learn to slot everyone into one of two boxes: oppressor or victim.3 This mindset is the psychological basis of one of the three “Great Untruths” that we found flourishing on college campuses in the 2010s: Life is a battle between good people and evil people.4 We said that this was a terrible thing to teach students, and we explained why we expected that students who embraced this untruth would damage their mental health. (Subsequent research has confirmed this prediction.)

The central portion of the chapter describes two different kinds of identity politics, one of which is good because it actually achieves what it says it is trying to achieve, and because it brings both justice and, eventually, better relationships within the group. We called this “common humanity identity politics.” It’s what Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela did by humanizing their opponents and drawing larger circles that appealed to shared histories and identities. The other form we called “common enemy identity politics.” It teaches students to develop the oppressor/victim mindset and then change their societies by uniting disparate constituencies against a specific group of oppressors. This mindset spreads easily and rapidly because human minds evolved for tribalism. The mindset is hyper-activated on social media platforms that reward simple, moralistic, and sensational content with rapid sharing and high visibility.5 This mindset has long been evident in antisemitism emanating from the far right. In recent years it is increasingly driving antisemitism on the left, too.

Common enemy identity politics is arguably the worst way of thinking one could possibly teach to young people in a multi-ethnic democracy such as the United States. It is, of course, the ideological drive behind most genocides. On a more mundane level, it can in theory be used to create group cohesion on teams and in organizations, and yet the current academic version of it plunges organizations into eternal conflict and dysfunction. As long as this way of thinking is taught anywhere on campus, identity-based hatred will find fertile ground.

With permission from Penguin Press, Greg and I present a condensed version of chapter 3 in a linked post, here:

What is the victim-oppressor mindset and how did it conquer the academy?

Please do go read that post, and then come back here.

OK, if you don’t want to do that right now, here is the ending of the excerpt, which offers a partial summary. After describing the social psychology of tribalism and ideas about power (from Marx, Marcuse, Foucault, and Crenshaw), we analyze an intersectionalist text in which the author (Kathryn Pauly Morgan) asserted that because men created educational systems, girls and women in those systems today are essentially a “colonized population.” Here is our response:

Morgan is certainly right that it was mostly white males who set up the educational system and founded nearly all the universities in the United States. Most of those schools once excluded women and people of color. But does that mean that women and people of color should think of themselves as “colonized populations” today? Would doing so empower them, or would it encourage an external locus of control? Would it make them more or less likely to engage with their teachers and readings, work hard, and benefit from their time in school? More generally, what will happen to the thinking of students who are trained to see everything in terms of intersecting bipolar axes where one end of each axis is marked “privilege” and the other is “oppression”? Since “privilege” is defined as the “power to dominate” and cause “oppression,” these axes are inherently moral dimensions. The people on top are bad, and the people down below are good. This sort of teaching seems likely to encode the Untruth of Us Versus Them directly into students’ cognitive schemas: Life is a battle between good people and evil people. Furthermore, there is no escaping the conclusion as to who the evil people are. The main axes of oppression usually point to one intersectional address: straight white males. [...] In short, as a result of our long evolution for tribal competition, the human mind readily does binary, us-versus-them thinking. If we want to create welcoming, inclusive communities, we should be doing everything we can to turn down the tribalism and turn up the sense of common humanity. Instead, some theoretical approaches used in universities today may be hyper-activating our ancient tribal tendencies, even if that was not the intention of the professor. Of course, some individuals truly are racist, sexist, and homophobic, and some institutions are too, even when the people who run them mean well, if they end up being less welcoming to members of some groups. We favor teaching students to recognize a variety of kinds of bigotry and bias as an essential step toward reducing them. Intersectionality can be taught skillfully, as Crenshaw does in her TED Talk. It can be used to promote compassion and reveal injustices not previously seen. Yet somehow, many college students today seem to be adopting a different version of intersectional thinking and are embracing the Untruth of Us Versus Them.

So, how well does our analysis from 2018 hold up in 2023? Does chapter 3 help us to understand the recent explosion of antisemitism on campus?

Unfortunately, the analysis works perfectly. Many students today talk about Israel as a “settler-colonialist” nation.6 That is straight oppressor/victim terminology, from post-colonialist thinker Frantz Fanon. It treats Israel as if diaspora Jews were 19th century England or France sending colonists to take over an existing society, motivated by monetary greed. Once that frame is applied, students’ minds are closed to any other understanding of a complicated situation, such as the view that Jews are the original (or indigenous) inhabitants of the land, who had a continual presence there for 3,000 years, and whose exiled populations (many in Arab lands) had nowhere else to go after being decimated by Hitler’s version of common enemy identity politics.7 The French in Algeria could return to France, but if these students get their wish and Hamas gains control of all the territory “from the river to the sea,” it’s not clear where seven million Jews would go, other than into the sea.8

[ Image. Pro-Palestinian supporters march after a rally in New York City, October 9, 2023. Photo by Lev Radin, Shutterstock. ]

Direct evidence of the link between the oppressor/victim mindset and antisemitism was published last week in a poll from Harvard’s Center for American Political Studies and the Harris Poll. The survey was fielded on December 13-14.9 The survey asks about Americans’ beliefs not just about Israel but about Jews in America and on campus as well. I’ll summarize a few of the items, which you can check out in the report, and I'll expand on three in particular, which document the wide reach of the oppressor/victim mindset and its role in causing young people to embrace antisemitism.10

The Harvard-Harris survey found that Americans side strongly with Israel against Hamas in the current conflict––except for Gen Z (here operationalized as the 18-24-year-old age bracket)11, which is evenly divided between support for Israel and Hamas. (See p. 47 of the report.)

I should note that some have rightly criticized the Harvard-Harris poll on methodological grounds, especially for forcing respondents into binary choices, rather than offering a “don’t know” or “undecided” option. When such options are offered many people choose them, sometimes more than half, so the numbers you’ll see below probably overstate the prevalence of antisemitism, in absolute terms. Zach Rausch and I have been collecting all the recent surveys we can find on attitudes toward the Gaza conflict in this Google doc. Many other surveys have confirmed that there is substantially more support for Hamas among Gen Z than among older generations, although some studies find that Gen Z still tilts slightly toward Israel. It is the pattern of responses across questions and generations that I am drawing on, rather than the absolute numbers.

The survey found that Gen Z is not much different than older generations in agreeing that 1. Antisemitism is prevalent on campus (p. 50), 2. Jewish students are facing harassment on campus (p. 50), 3. Calls for “the genocide of Jews” are hate speech (p. 51), and 4. Calls for “the genocide of Jews” are harassment (p. 52).

Yet, despite agreeing with other generations that antisemitism is prevalent on campus, that Jews are being harassed on campus, and that calls for genocide are both hate speech and harassment, Gen Z is evenly divided as to whether campus protesters have a right to call for genocide against Jews. You can see the exact question below the table in Figure 2. As you can see below, all older generations favor disciplinary action as the proper response to students who publicly call for the mass killing of Jews. Only Gen Z does not.

[ Figure 2. “If a student calls for the genocide of Jews should that student be told that they are free to call for genocide or should such students face actions for violating university rules?” Harvard-Harris Poll, December 2023, screenshot from p. 51, with additional annotations by Haidt. ]

Why is Gen Z so tolerant of hate speech and verbal harassment of Jews, when it shows the lowest tolerance for such speech against other groups? The next three items show that the oppressor/victim mindset and common enemy identity politics are at work, but only for Gen Z. One item asked “Do you think that identity politics based on race has come to dominate at our elite universities, or do they operate primarily on the basis of merit and accomplishments without regard to race?” (p. 55). All generations agree that identity politics based on race is now dominant, but Gen Z, which has the most experience with current campus culture, agrees more strongly (69%, tied with those over 65).

The big difference between generations is that only Gen Z endorses this kind of identity politics. One survey item asks: “There is an ideology that white people are oppressors and nonwhite people and people of certain groups have been oppressed and as a result should be favored today at universities and for employment. Do you support or oppose this ideology?” [p. 56]

[ Figure 3. “There is an ideology that white people are oppressors and nonwhite people and people of certain groups have been oppressed and as a result should be favored today at universities and for employment. Do you support or oppose this ideology?” Harvard-Harris Poll, December 2023. ]

Gen Z, and only Gen Z, agrees with the “ideology that white people are oppressors.” The direct line linking this explicit form of common enemy identity politics to antisemitism is found in the responses to the next item: “Do you think that Jews as a class are oppressors and should be treated as oppressors or is that a false ideology?”

[ Figure 4. “Do you think that Jews as a class are oppressors and should be treated as oppressors or is that a false ideology?” Harvard-Harris Poll, December 2023. ]

Gen Z, and only Gen Z, agrees. As I said earlier, the absolute numbers would be lower if a neutral or “don’t know” option were presented, so I do not believe that two out of every three Americans in that age range truly believes that Jews are oppressors. But even if half of the respondents chose a third option, the balance of those who believe it to those who reject it would still tilt toward “oppressors,” and more strongly than for any older generation.

In other words: While all generations agree that race-based identity politics now dominates on campus, only Gen Z leans toward (rather than away from ) endorsing such politics, applying it to Jews, and agreeing that we should treat Jews as oppressors—that is, treat them badly and not protect them from hate and harassment because they deserve what’s coming to them.

I should offer a few clarifications.

First, it is understandable that there is an age gradient, with older generations strongly pro-Israel and younger generations becoming increasingly supportive of the Palestinian cause. Older generations were raised by parents who remembered the Holocaust and understood the context within which the state of Israel was created. Older generations remember the frequent attacks on a vulnerable Israel in its early years. Younger generations, in contrast, have only known a strong Israel that occupied Palestinian territory (at least in the West Bank). There are two sides on this issue. I’m on one side, but I understand that there are good reasons for taking the other side. Opposing Israel or hating the Israeli government is not automatically anti-semitism. What concerns me is that anti-Israel sentiment seems to be increasingly closely linked to hatred of Jews and physical attacks on Jews and Jewish sites. Such attacks may seem morally justified, even virtuous, to those who believe that Jews are “oppressors.”

Second, the Israeli military response has not been “surgical”; its bombing campaign has killed thousands of Palestinians who are not members of Hamas. Young people, most of whom are on TikTok, are probably more exposed than older people to videos of horrific suffering among Gazans. So again, I don’t criticize anyone for protesting Israel or the war, and I hope that universities respect pro-Palestinian students’ First Amendment rights to speak and protest. But the displays of support for Hamas began even before Israel had responded, and part of what was so shocking in the first week after the October 7 attack was the relatively muted and delayed expressions of concern by university leaders and campus organizations. Whatever has caused today’s campus antisemitism, it was already baked in before Israel’s military response began.

Third, I cannot say how much of today’s antisemitism comes from college classrooms (and K-12 classrooms as well), and how much is driven by social media, particularly TikTok. The rapid transition to the “phone-based childhood” that happened around 2012 is a crucial part of the story, which Greg and I discussed in The Coddling. As I have argued elsewhere, social media has introduced dangerous new dynamics into society, including explosive virality and the fragmentation of shared understandings (i.e., the collapse of the Tower of Babel). But given that today’s campus antisemitism is so closely linked with the oppressor/victim mindset, and given that Greg and I (and many others) have been warning about the dangers of teaching this mindset since before TikTok was created, I am confident that American higher education bears a substantial portion of the blame.

I do not believe that those three presidents, testifying before Congress, were antisemitic in their hearts. But in their heartless and gutless responses to a question about when it violates their campus’s rules for students to call for genocide against Jews, all three presidents validated the now-prevalent campus antisemitism. All three presidents essentially said: Jews don’t count, it’s OK to call for their deaths, as long as it does not “turn into action.”

According to those who embrace common enemy identity politics and its oppressor/victim mindset, all members of victim groups are justified in “punching up,” pulling oppressors down, vandalizing their buildings and symbols, and perhaps even raping their women and killing their children. At least, that is the implication of tweets from various professors who praised the Hamas attack, saying versions of “this is what decolonization looks like.”

Conclusion

In the tweet I quoted at the top of this essay, David Frum pointed out that elite college campuses have diverged from the rest of the country. Frum urged those of us in the academy to reflect upon why college campuses are so rife with antisemitism, in a country that is, according to public opinion data, very positive toward its Jewish citizens. I have tried to do that in this essay, concluding that it is our own fault for embracing and institutionalizing bad ideas, rather than challenging them. I have shown a direct connection between the oppressor/victim mindset and the willingness of many in the current generation of students to espouse overtly antisemitic beliefs (even if it is not truly a majority of them).

American higher education is now in a code-red situation. It’s not just Jewish donors and alumni who are withdrawing their support. As you saw in Figure 1, a majority of Americans had low confidence in higher ed before October 7. In the wake of the December 5 congressional hearings, it is now surely a supermajority, including perhaps most Democrats as well. Efforts in red-state legislatures to constrain, control, or defund higher ed will now find a great deal more public support than anyone could have imagined before 2015.

If they are to regain public trust, university leaders will need to understand the victim/oppressor mindset and how their own institutions are encouraging it. Then they will need to take bold action and make deep changes. You can’t just plant a new center for the study of antisemitism in soil that is ideal for the growth of antisemitism. You have to change the soil, change the culture and policies of the institution.

Greg and I have an entire chapter (13) on how to do that, how to create “wiser universities” by enshrining free inquiry, changing the standards used to hire faculty and admit students, and then orienting students for productive disagreement. A wiser university would make students less susceptible to the oppressor/victim mindset even if they are exposed to it in a few of their classes. I will offer many more ideas in future posts. For now, I list organizations that specialize in improving the culture of universities, and I list essays that offer what I think are good ideas. I’ll keep the list updated for a while, so if you find good essays, please post links to them in the comments.

I close this essay with the quotation that opens Chapter 3 of The Coddling, from Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, one of the wisest people I’ve ever had the good fortune to meet:

There is the moral dualism that sees good and evil as instincts within us between which we must choose. But there is also what I will call pathological dualism that sees humanity itself as radically... divided into the unimpeachably good and the irredeemably bad. You are either one or the other.

Universities can and must free students from pathological dualism.

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cleverhottubmiracle · 1 month ago

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Today, the Princess of Wales carried out her first public community engagement since her surgery and cancer diagnosis. The Prince and Princess visited Southport, on England’s western coast between Liverpool and Blackpool. They were there to meet privately with the families of three little girls killed in a knife attack this July. Bebe King, age 6, Elsie Dot Stancombe, age 7, and Alice Dasilva Aguiar, age 9, were killed while taking part in a Taylor Swift-themed dance and yoga class. The girls are shown in this social media post. One week ago today.With all the craziness going on right now, please don’t forget these beautiful girls, their families, and the community of Southport.Alice, Bebe and Elsie Dot ❤️❤️❤️ pic.twitter.com/CUi29Jy3I3 — Claire Hannah (@Claire_journo) August 5, 2024 Eight other children and two adults were injured in the rampage. It was a horrific attack that rocked the community. The Prince and Princess personally posted a message about the incident on their social media pages. Hola reports, “After the attack, the National Police and Wellbeing Service set up a fundraiser—which The Royal Foundation of The Prince and Princess of Wales made a donation to—to help individuals who were involved in the immediate response.” Taylor Swift posted a message on her Instagram Story. King Charles visited the community in August, meeting with survivors and first responders. This was the Prince and Princess’s first joint public engagement since December’s Christmas Carol concert. Here you see them being welcomed at Southport’s Community Center, where they met a four-legged friend. The couple spent roughly thirty minutes with each of the three girls’ families. More about today’s engagement from The Telegraph’s story by Victoria Ward. Later at Southport community centre, the couple met emergency responders who had helped the victims, as well as mental health practitioners who have been providing them with long-term support. Both the Prince and Princess are understood to have felt it was important to visit Southport almost three months on to show the community that it has not been forgotten and that they will continue to offer their support. The Daily Mail reports, “They also spent time with dance teacher Leanne Lucas, 35, who was seriously injured as she shielded youngsters as they were attacked by a knifeman.” More from this Sky News article by Rhiannon Mills. They met up with those members of the 999 services to hear their recollections of the day and spoke to police, ambulance and fire chiefs about the ongoing mental health support for staff. Kate said the personnel had supported people during their “darkest times” and added: “For you to witness that, you need support yourselves.” We return to the Sky News piece. Asked how the families are doing, Kate replied: “They’re OK. They’re managing it differently. All the families are so different.” Referencing the meeting with the families of the three young girls who died in the attack she had attended earlier, Kate told the emergency workers: “I can’t underestimate how grateful they all are for the support you provided on the day. “On behalf of them, thank you.” And from The Daily Mail’s coverage by Rebecca English and Tom Cotterill. Chief fire officer for Merseyside Fire and Rescue Service Phil Garrigan said he had a ‘really lovely fleeting conversation’ with William and Kate after they had spoken to the group of emergency personnel. He said: ‘The Princess of Wales broke off and came back into the building to give a hug to the people who responded because she could see the emotion in them and could see it was difficult for them to relay their feelings and to say how impactful events have been. The Daily Mail also reports, “The Prince of Wales told the personnel: ‘You’re all heroes. Please make sure you look after yourselves, please take your time, don’t rush back to work.’ William called the emergency workers ‘true professionals’ and said they had a ‘bumpy few months’ ahead but would get through it together.” Here is a quick video from Victoria Ward. The Princess of Wales made a last minute decision to join William in Southport today, privately meeting the families of the 3 young victims of July’s knife attack before joining emergency responders involved in the aftermath. It’s the 1st time she’s spoken in public since Dec ‘23 pic.twitter.com/3MyjPN7NCA — Victoria Ward (@victoria_ward) October 10, 2024 And here is a video shared on Kensington Palace’s social media accounts. A heartfelt thank you to the people of Southport for talking about your experiences and honouring the young lives lost. In the face of tragedy, this community’s strength and resilience has been a powerful reminder of the bonds that unite us. As the healing continues, take… pic.twitter.com/y0AfKWIqPR — The Prince and Princess of Wales (@KensingtonRoyal) October 10, 2024 The Prince and Princess posted this on social media as well. Now for our look at what Kate wore. She was in the Alexander McQueen tailored coat first noted during the Boston trip in December 2022. The bespoke piece is similar to this double-breasted 2022 Alexander McQueen style with peaked lapels, padded shoulders, buttoned cuffs, front flap pockets, a welt pocket at the chest, and a single back vent. Here is a look at the two ensembles. Beneath the coat, it looked like the Princess wore her Whistles Margot Shirt Dress, a midi-length design made of burgundy viscose with a button front, fitted waist, and self-belt. I believe the Princess used the belt as a tie at the neckline. The Princess first wore the dress at an October 2018 engagement. And back in London at KP, William and Kate hosted @BBCRadio1PR Teen Heroes w/ DJs Clara Amfo & Greg James on Wed. Winners Siena, 16, works to support students with autism and learning disabilities; Lily, 14, a wheelchair motocross competitor & anti-bullying campaigner Junior, 14. pic.twitter.com/bSnoUZm22H — Emily Andrews (@byEmilyAndrews) October 19, 2018 There are a few repliKate ideas on the RepliKate Dresses page here. The Princess accessorized with her Natasha Clutch ($495) by a favorite royal brand, Emmy London. Today’s shoes could be a Gianvito Rossi pair we have seen before in a color called “Texas Brown Suede” or a nearly identical Jimmy Choo “Romy” pair. I don’t feel like I have a good enough view of them to say which pair she is wearing. UPDATE OCT 11: A friend who wishes to remain anonymous suggests the Princess wore her Russell and Bromley Pinpoint pumps, and I think she is correct. The Princess also brought back her Catherine Zoraida Fern Drop earrings ($222). And for those curious about the rings worn by the Princess, today we saw her with four. I’ll leave you with one more photo from today’s engagement. (function(d, s, id) var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//connect.facebook.net/en_US/sdk.js#xfbml=1&version=v2.0"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); (document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk')); Source link

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airasilver · 2 months ago

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100-year-old Pearl Harbor survivor recalls confusion and chaos during Japanese bombing 83 years ago

The bombing of Pearl Harbor 83 years ago launched the United States into World War II

By AUDREY McAVOY Associated Press

December 7, 2024, 12:04 AM ET

• 4 min read

National headlines from ABC NewsCatch up on the developing stories making headlines.The Associated Press

PEARL HARBOR, Hawaii -- Bob Fernandez thought he'd go dancing and see the world when he joined the U.S. Navy as a 17-year-old high school student in August 1941.

Four months later he found himself shaking from explosions and passing ammunition to artillery crews so his ship's guns could return fire on Japanese planes bombing Pearl Harbor, a Navy base in Hawaii.

“When those things go off like that, we didn’t know what’s what,” said Fernandez, who is now 100. “We didn’t even know we were in a war.”

Two survivors of the bombing — each 100 or older — are planning to return to Pearl Harbor on Saturday to observe the 83rd anniversary of the attack that thrust the U.S. into World War II. They will join active-duty troops, veterans and members of the public for a remembrance ceremony hosted by the Navy and the National Park Service.

Fernandez was initially planning to join them but had to cancel because of health issues.

The bombing killed more than 2,300 U.S. servicemen. Nearly half, or 1,177, were sailors and Marines on board the USS Arizona, which sank during the battle. The remains of more than 900 Arizona crew members are still entombed on the submerged vessel.

A moment of silence will be held at 7:54 a.m., the same time the attack began eight decades ago. Aircraft in missing man formation are due to fly overhead to break the silence.

Dozens of survivors once joined the annual remembrance but attendance has declined as survivors have aged. Today there are only 16 still living, according to a list maintained by Kathleen Farley, the California state chair of the Sons and Daughters of Pearl Harbor Survivors. Military historian J. Michael Wenger has estimated there were some 87,000 military personnel on Oahu on the day of the attack.

Many laud Pearl Harbor survivors as heroes, but Fernandez doesn't view himself that way.

“I’m not a hero. I’m just nothing but an ammunition passer,” he told The Associated Press in a phone interview from California, where he now lives with his nephew in Lodi.

Fernandez was working as a mess cook on his ship, the USS Curtiss, the morning of Dec. 7, 1941, and planned to go dancing that night at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel in Waikiki.

He brought sailors coffee and food as he waited tables during breakfast. Then they heard an alarm sound. Through a porthole, Fernandez saw a plane with the red ball insignia painted on Japanese aircraft fly by.

Fernandez rushed down three decks to a magazine room where he and other sailors waited for someone to unlock a door storing 5-inch (12.7-centimeter), 38-caliber shells so they could begin passing them to the ship's guns.

He has told interviewers over the years that some of his fellow sailors were praying and crying as they heard gunfire up above.

“I felt kind of scared because I didn’t know what the hell was going on,” Fernandez said.

The ship's guns hit a Japanese plane that crashed into one of its cranes. Shortly after, its guns hit a dive bomber which then slammed into the ship and exploded below deck, setting the hangar and main decks on fire, according to the Navy History and Heritage Command.

Fernandez's ship, the Curtiss, lost 21 men and nearly 60 of its sailors were injured.

“We lost a lot of good people, you know. They didn’t do nothing," Fernandez said. "But we never know what’s going to happen in a war.”

After the attack, Fernandez had to sweep up debris. That night, he stood guard with a rifle to make sure no one tried to come aboard. When it came time to rest, he fell asleep next to where the ship’s dead were lying. He only realized that when a fellow sailor woke him up and told him.

After the war, Fernandez worked as a forklift driver at a cannery in San Leandro, California. His wife of 65 years, Mary Fernandez, died in 2014. His oldest son is now 82 and lives in Arizona. Two other sons and a stepdaughter have died.

He has traveled to Hawaii three times to participate in the Pearl Harbor remembrance. This year would have been his fourth trip.

Fernandez still enjoys music and goes dancing at a nearby restaurant once a week if he can. His favorite tune is Frank Sinatra’s rendition of “All of Me,” a song his nephew Joe Guthrie said he still knows by heart.

“The ladies flock to him like moths to a flame,” Guthrie said.

___

Associated Press journalist Terry Chea contributed to this report from Lodi, California.

#pearl harbor #world war 2

0 notes

helliontherapscallion · 4 years ago

Note

Heya. I know that requests are closed and I totally respect if you ignore this because of that. Two hours ago my dog had a seizure and my mom and I are currently in the parking lot of the emergency vet waiting for an update. I’m normally “the rock” for my family (if that makes sense) when shit hits the fan, so I feel like I need to hide my panic so my mom doesn’t worry more. I claimed to need to use the restroom (there’s those portable bathrooms outside) but I’m actually just having a panic attack on a stairway nearby. Most of my friends are asleep or offline right now so I don’t have anyone to help ground me. I know my mom would, but she’s already dealing with enough. Your writing has never failed to calm me down or cheer me up, so I was wondering if you could maybe make headcannons or something about how texts or a quick phone call with the SBI would go and how they would help a teen friend who’s going through this situation.

I don’t want you to feel pressured to do this because of guilt or anything of the sort. I understand that requests are closed, but I thought it was worth shooting my shot. So it’s completely okay if you ignore this.

(A/N): I wrote this as fast as I could, so there might be a few mistakes here and there. I really hope your dog gets better soon and nothing major is wrong with them, I’ll keep you guys in my thoughts. If you wanna talk about it, my DMs are always open love <3

Warnings: mentions of dog seizures, vets, panic attacks

Your pleasant day had gone so wrong so fast

You had a blast hanging out with your neighbor and childhood friend Techno and his brothers

You spent most of the day at the park hanging out and generally goofing around

That was until you received a phone call from your mother

She was in a panic telling you to come home, telling you that there was something wrong with your dog

You quickly excused yourself by telling them that your mom wanted you home as soon as possible suddenly and ran home in tears when you were out of their line of sight

When you were running you could feel yourself being filled with dread

Your chest felt tight as you fought off a panic attack, you needed to be strong for your mom

You were her rock

It was only natural to comfort her, she helped you so much with your anxiety and panic attacks even when facing her own troubles and stress

So you did your best to stifle your panic

When you got home, you could hear the loud sobbing of your mother, the faint sound of heavy breathing, and rustling

The sight in the living room broke your heart

Your beloved pet was on the floor having a violent seizure while your mother was looking on in horror

You quickly took action, moving the stuff around the dog away from it

The only thing you could do was wait it out, so you made quick work of comforting your mother

After the seizure, your dog was looking around confusedly and whining slightly

He seemed very tired

Doing some research, you found out that it was best to let the dog rest after such a seizure because it takes a lot of energy out of it

The nearest emergency vet was about ten minutes away so you picked up your dog and escorted your mom to the car

You drove to the vet, your mom was too distraught to drive

The vet immediately took him in and got to work, leaving you and your mom in the car waiting for an update on the pooch

She had calmed down for the most part, but you could still feel the panic brewing in your chest threatening you with a full blown panic attack

You held it off so you could be strong for your mother, but you were spiraling and fast

When it got to the point where you couldn’t hold it back anymore, you quickly excused yourself to the portable bathrooms

You ducked into an abandoned staircase and the panic attack quickly reared its ugly head

Your breaths came out in short hyperventilations, your chest feeling like an elephant was sat on it

You couldn’t breathe

When it got to the point where you were dry heaving, you knew that this one wasn’t one that you could calm yourself down from

You had to call someone

Your mom was immediately out of question, even if she would gladly help you

In your point of view, she had enough to worry about

Your best bet would be to call Techno

You had extreme difficulty finding his contact because your vision was tunneled and blurred and your hands were shaking, but you eventually found it

He and his brothers should still be at the park

You felt guilty for calling, but you knew you needed help and Techno and his brothers were your best bet

“Hey (y/n), uh is everything alright with your mom? You left in a hurry.” Techno saw his twin and Tommy look at him in question. He wove them off.

He was only met with heavy breathing and sobbing from your end, which worried him to no end. He knew damn well about your anxiety and panic attacks, in fact he was the one that encouraged you to open up to your mom about it and ask her for therapy sessions. He’s calmed you down from enough panic attacks to know exactly what to do to help you.

“Hey you’re alright,” he cooed to you in a soft voice, “take deep breaths. Where are you?” His brothers looked at him in alarm. They also knew about your panic attacks as you were basically like another sibling to them. Wilbur grabbed the car keys and the three made a dash towards the family car.

“Techno…” Your breathless and strained whimper on the other end made his heart break for you. “Where are you?”

When you told him that you were at the nearby emergency vet, he could feel his heart sink. Your dog was growing older and older and his health was declining. That dog was with you two through thick and thin when your family got him in middle school. You were seniors in high school now, so that dog was old for his breed.

“We’re on our way, just hang on tight buddy. What’re five things you can see?”

After you got through the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, you still were in the midst of an intense panic attack and it worried Techno to no end. Usually you would be calmed down by now. Luckily, they arrived at the vet and quickly found a parking space.

You could hear running coming towards you and looked up to see the brothers running towards you. Techno kneeled next to you and attempted to give you a smile, “we’re here. Is it okay for me to touch you?” At your nod, he grabbed your hand and put it on his chest. “Breathe with me, okay? Do you think you can do that for me?” You didn’t respond to him. Your hazy eyes darted to his face when he gently called your name and asked you again. You nodded making him smile at you, “good, we’re gonna do the 4-7-8 breathing technique,” he told you softly, “do you remember that? You breathe in through your nose for four seconds, hold it for seven, and exhale slowly through your mouth for eight. I’ll do it with you,” he took in a deep breath through his nose and you tried to follow suit but failed. Your breathing was just too erratic.

“Tech, I-I can’t. I��”

“Hey you can do this, I know you can. Let’s try again, it takes time to even out breathing.” He said something to his brothers you couldn’t hear and they ran off. “Deep breath in,” he breathed in and you tried to follow him, “hold,” you held in the breath for about two seconds, “and out,” the breath ripped itself from your lungs. “You’re doing so good, I’m proud of you (y/n).”

The breathing continued for a bit with you getting nowhere before you heard the boys return. They had a couple of ice cold water bottles in their hands. Techno let go of your hand and grabbed one of them. He turned to you with an encouraging smile, “okay, we’re gonna try something new. I’m gonna have you touch this, is that alright?”

You reached out with a shaky hand to touch the plastic and jolted slightly at the temperature, a gasp ripping itself from your lungs and your eyes focusing slightly better than before. “I’m gonna run this up and down your arms, focus on the feeling of the temperature and the feeling.” As he ran the bottle down your arms, you could feel your heart rate drop at the temperature and your heated skin cooling down. Your breathing eventually evens itself out leaving you panting and shakily reaching up to wipe at your tears.

“Are you good now?” You nodded and leaned against the brick wall tiredly. An open water bottle was put into your hands. You drank it and relished in the feeling of the ice cold drink slithering down your throat. It even heightened your senses.

Wilbur sat on your other side and slung an arm over your shoulders, giving you a side hug. Tommy sat across from you while Techno sat on your other side holding your hand, lazily rubbing his thumb over your knuckles.

“Do you wanna talk about what caused this?” You nodded and told the three everything that happened today and why you were at an emergency vet.

After you finished telling them, Wilbur turned to give you a full hug. Your face was against his chest, faintly you noted that he smelled like grass with hints of earth. “He’s gonna be alright. He’s a fighter, do you remember when he ate that bee?” You nodded, remembering that even if he was swollen, his tail was still wagging and he was as happy as he could be. He recovered quickly from that, never once losing his excited and loving personality. You thought about how even in the car he was licking away your mother’s tears and nuzzling into your hand even though he was exhausted.

“That dog has lived through so much health shit,” Tommy chimed in, “a seizure isn’t gonna take him out anytime soon.”

They stayed there for a while with you giving you reassurances and reminiscing on stories of him until you felt better

Eventually you had to go back to the car to wait with your mother, so they left to go to their house

Your dog was returned to you and your mom with the instruction to give him some medicine and come back for further examination

They didn’t find the cause for the seizure, which bothered you but relieved you that he was alright

When you got home, it was late at night and you honestly felt so drained

The next day, your dog was still slightly tired but he was slowly returning to his playful nature as the day progressed

When you were laying in the grass in the backyard with him reading a book, you saw Techno poke his head over the fence and smile at you. “Hey, how’s (dog name)?”

You ran your fingers through his fur as he slept peacefully, “he’s doing better. The vet still doesn’t know what’s going on with him, but he’s still himself.”

“We’re having some cookies and lemonade over here, do you wanna come over? (Dog name) can come too.”

“You’re more than welcome, (y/n)!” You could hear Philza’s voice chime out from their backyard. You got up and (dog name) followed you into their backyard slowly. They were sitting at the picnic table that was there since you and Techno were kids. The paint had long since chipped and faded with each year that passed. Tommy loudly cheered while Wilbur and Philza gave you gentle smiles as you walked next to Technoblade.

You sat next to Techno and a glass of lemonade was placed in front of you. (Dog name) laid at your feet and resumed his nap. You grabbed a cookie and took a bite, humming at the taste of your favorite flavor dancing across your tongue.

Being with the family was something that always made your worries fade away into nothingness and get replaced by lighthearted and refreshing happiness. You spent most of the day laughing with the family and petting your sleeping dog. Everything was going to be okay with them.

#sbi x reader #sleepy bois x reader #sleepy bois inc x reader #philza x reader #technoblade x reader #wilbur soot x reader #tommyinnit x reader #mcyt x reader #dream smp x reader #requests #hellion's requests #tw: swearing #tw: panic attack #tw: animal injury #tw: anxiety #tw: seizure

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cassava-49 · 4 years ago

Text

Death 2

Part 1/ Part 3/ Part 4/ Part 5/Part 6/ Part 7

"Seriously? You did that to him?" Marinette asked trying to control her laughter. "Adrien's very easy to fool. He lets his guard down every time he feels like he could trust the person," Felix answered as he grinned at the girl in front of him.

It has been five days since Marinette got into a coma. The doctors said that she'll recover and would be able to wake up in soon. However, Felix's condition was slowly deteriorating. There were times when his heart would stop beating for a second or two. This caused a massive pain to those who knew and love him. Given that he's already a month in.

Although, the two ghosts seem to not mind it at all. Given that they're both just chilling at the roof. For the past three days, the two of them had been entertaining each other with their life stories, given that they know both of them were not going to live anyway.

"Hey, I saw your classmates trying to visit you again," Felix said as he stands up and goes to the ledge. "Who stopped them this time?" Marinette asked as she continues to finish the flower crown. "Security," he replied casually as he watched his mother entering his room to visit him again. "Your parents talked with the head and asked to have your classmates stopped if they're just here to visit you," he added as he faintly feels his mother's hand in his. Distracted by his mother, Felix didn't notice that Marinette had placed a flower crown on his head. "There, now you look a lot less like a creepy ghost," Marinette smiled as she looked at him with the flowers on his head. He smiled at her and adjusts her flower crown. This made him slightly jealous of his cousin for scoring a sweet, innocent girl in his life.

"Getting cozy up there you two?" a voice called from the other side. "Claude, what kept you guys?" Marinette asked as she approached the new comers, leaving Felix behind. Claude, a supposedly 17-year-old boy, who had been in a comatose state for a year already because of a car accident right after an akuma attack. "Hey, why does Felix get a flower crown?" Claude pouted. Marinette giggled and went to her pile of floor crowns. Giving each one of them a crown.

"Oh darling, it's beautiful," Allegra gawked with pride as she lined the outline of each one of the petals. Allegra is a 15-year-old who just got in a coma yesterday because of diabetes. Practically she's the one who's most likely to go first, given that was close to death's door when she arrived. "How are you feeling Allegra?" Felix inquired trying to see if she's recovering smoothly. "I feel better. I'm starting to feel the nurses whenever they touch me," she replied to him with a smile.

"Does it look good on me?" Kenya asked as she adjusted it on her brown locks. "Yup, you're totally rocking them," Allan replied with a wink. Kenya is an eight-year-old who got into an accident a week ago. Allan, on the other hand, is a soul who is trapped inside the hospital. He had been there for two years now, and he could have been 17 by now if it weren't for a rogue bullet.

"Marinette, do you like how I did my flower crown?" Lindalee asked as she showcased her new flower crown which was now in her two hair ties that held her blonde hair. Lindalee is also an eight-year-old who fell off the staircase about a month ago. "It's beautiful Lindalee. I love it," Marinette praised as she stared at it with pleasure. "You're looking great in that crown," Allan teased Felix. "For your information, I look majestic. It is, after all, made by our future fashion designer Marinette," he replied, which causes everyone to laugh.

"I really hope that you'll wake up soon, Marinette," Kenya exclaimed. "I hope that all of you would wake up," Marinette replied as she crouched down to meet the girl's eyes. "And don't forget to go to my grave when you guys all make it out," Allan reminded to them all, who nod in agreement.

"Hey guys, another one is in the emergency room," Claude called as he looked at the nurses who were rushing a young boy who seemed to have broken his leg. "Ooh, this one's interesting," Lindalee exclaimed as she examines the damage. "Is he going to be okay?" Kenya wondered in worry. "Don't worry honey, he'll be alright. It seems to be fracture, nothing as serious as death," Allegra said as she takes the little girl's hand. "It's funny how our only entertainment here is the emergency room," Felix commentt as he stood beside Marinette, who giggled in agreement. "Well, it's not like we could get out of the hospital, can we now?" Marinette replied with a smirk.

"Why can't we leave?" Allegra complained, still wondering the reason for it. "You guys are bounded to your bodies, so leaving it may become a welcoming invitation for the lost souls like me," Allan explains. "Why don't you leave?" she asked. "Why should I? My friends are all here," Allan replied with a smile. "My family moved away so I knew that I should just let them move on. From what I heard my sister's wedding was a blast and her husband is a nice, rich guy, who was her classmate in high school, and my little brother will be taking medicine for college and has a lot of achievements so far. So basically I'm not needed there, too much. They still come here on my death day so that's enough for me," he answered.

"That's so sweet of you," Lindalee cooed as she hugged him. "I'm definitely visiting your grave, first thing I'll do once I'm out," she adds. "Guys, the old man in room 404 is dying. I can see Grim waving at me," Felix said and pointed as room. "Let's go. I want to talk with Grim," Allan said as he begins to jump from the roof to the room. "Alright! Let's go!" Claude responded as he took Allegra's hand, who was still unaware of the perks of being separated from your body. They took a running start and jumped as well, aiming for the room. "Let's go Kenya!" Lindalee said as she took the girl's hand. "Yeah!" the two girls exclaim as they jumped. Marinette laughed at their reactions, since it became a game for them to jump into the room of the person who's about to die and surprise them.

"Come on Marinette, maybe today's the day," Felix said after chuckling as he sticks out his hand for her to take. She smiled and laughed as she takes it. "Let's go!" she exclaimed as the two began running towards the edge jumping through the window and landing in front of the group.

"About time, I thought that the two of you would be staying up there and make out," Grim said as he rolled his sunken eyes at the two. "What gave you an idea that we'd be doing that?" Marinette asked oblivious to the fact that they were still holding hands. The reaper, with his bony phalanges, casually pointed at their hands leaving the two teens flustered at their cluelessness. He chuckled at the two as he looked back at the old man, who was having a heart attack.

The Grim Reaper is as old as time. He wore a vanta black cloak that's tattered at the hem. His whole body is but of bones, a symbol of man's future after death. He carries a scythe to help end a person's suffering when it's too much, however he cannot use it unless the Fates allow him. But, it can also be used to transport the person's soul into the other side. Some may say that he's merciless, cruel, unforgiving and a thief. However, if they get to know him more, he's actually very nice and entertaining. He enjoys the company of ghosts, however is very sad for not being able to transport them to the other side.

"Grim, how's the number of deaths doing?" Claude inquired to pass the time. "It's the same. One person per second, we're just getting stretched too thin. Welp, better than the black plague is what I'd say," he replied. "What about the 1909 Provence quake?" Lindalee asks. "Wow, even for a kid you're really well informed with this," Grim commentt. "But yeah we had to pull out a lot of us just to accommodate all those souls before dinner or some of them decide to go haunting. And believe me the paperwork on it is not fun," he complained. "Grim Reapers have paper work?" Felix queried. "Nah, I think the right question is, Grim Reapers eat?" Claude asked. "Yeah, I guess. More or less, we kind of do," Grim replied as he gestured.

"Hey, look," Kenya pointed as the man's soul was slowly slipping away, as the heart monitor went crazy. The doctors and nurses kept on trying to revive him, but to no avail his soul finally separated. His old wife's tears continue to fall as she reached out to him. The doctor and the nurses give their sullen condolences to the woman.

For the old man, he slowly caught up on what was happening. He tried to go to his wife to comfort her, only to have his body phase through. He then turned around to find the group looking at him.

"W-who are you?" he asked pointing at Grim. This made him smirk and strike a sinister pose. "Who do you think?" he asked in a terrifyingly low voice. This made his eyes widen in horror as he made his way to the children and slowly push Grim away from them. "Stay away from them. You can't just take away children's souls!" he shouted, horrified at the thought of the young children dying. "Why not?" Grim snorted and taunted in a threatening tone. This causesy chills to go down the old man's spine as he tried to protect them. "Don't worry kids, I'm not letting this monster take any of us," he declared.

However, he turns to them when he heard a laugh coming from behind. He scowled at Allan and said, "This is not funny boy, can't you see he's going to drag us all to hell!" This caused the rest of them to look at each other and start laughing as well, confusing the man. "Well, now I know why you guys enjoy doing this," Allegra exclaimed in between laughs. "By the way Grim, I think you made that scary pose a bit too horrifying. I thought I was going to die as well," Allan added. "Who-who, what are you kids?" the old man asks with a shaky voice.

"It's alright sir, we're not demons, and Grim is just here to help you cross over," Marinette calmly told the old man. "You don't have to afraid. He's here to help," Felix reassured. The old man's features slowly relax as he looked at them all. "So, what are you?" he asked in concern, mostly looking at the two kids with worry. "Just souls of comatose victims," Claude replied casually. "Except for Allan, he's dead," he added. "Speaking of which, so do I get to crossover today?" Allan asked with hope. Grim looked him with a pitying look and shook his head no. This made the young soul frown in disappointment as his friends have him a hug for comfort.

Grim looked at them with a desolate look as he takes the old man's hand with reassurance. "Don't worry, I talked with the Fates and they said your time is near, so no need to worry about it," he says to Allan. "Easy for you to say, your dead. Time of different in your realm," Allan replied. Grim gives him a smile as he says, "Lighten up kid, at least you get to enjoy your friends company more."

He turned to the old man and offered his hand saying, "Grab on, the Fates have been expecting you, as well as your son." The man's eyes widen as tears began to fall at the mention of his deceased son. He hesitantly lookef at the hand, not trusting Grim one bit. However, he turned to his right to find Kenya holding his hand with a smile on her face. "There's no need to fear anything sir. He'll guide in your journey to the afterlife as your angel guided you in your life. Your son is waiting on the other side for you, I'm such he'd want to see you," Kenya guaranteed.

The old man's features slowly relaxed as he turned to Grim and slowly made his way to him and took his hand. "Come along sir, we're taking you home," Grim said as he placed his scythe back on the ground, which in turn encased them into a sphere of water, from the river Lethe, to help them easily crossover, forgetting of all the hurt and pain. It was always enchanting to watch souls crossover from life to the demimonde. After the event, Marinette turned her attention back to her despaired friend. She scrunched her eyebrows and looked around.

"Where's Allan?" she asked, concerned for her friend's wellbeing. This caught their attention as they began noticing his absence. "Wasn't he with you?" Lindalee pointed at Claude. "He was. He was right next to me," he replied a boy confused as well. "Let's split up and find him," Kenya suggested. They nodded at each other as they separately began their search.

"Why are we supposed to look for him?" Allegra asked. "He's a lost soul left to wander the earth and had been denied entrance to the afterlife, it's usually heartbreaking, mostly on his part," Felix replied, clearing the air. "Lost souls are more powerful than you think. They have the ability to disrupt the living world. Unlike us who just go through things, they can haunt anything and anyone. On bad days, they're the worst to deal with, and Allan hates being denied entrance to the afterlife after the 100th time," Claude answered with a hint of fear. "How many times had he been denied, including now? curiously queried. "157," Felix responded with a sigh.

With that in mind they all went forth, searching every corner of the hospital. Though they hope that he's still in the hospital.

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jay-and-dean · 4 years ago

Text

Firefly Chapter 7 : Eighteen and twenty-eight years old

By Roonyxx and Jay-and-dean

Pairings : future Dean x reader ?

Summary : 40 years in Hell, but he didn’t spend all this time all alone, he had her.

Prepare to know what happened during those years Dean never talks about. To immerge yourself in Hell, only lit by the mysterious kid growing here…

And to see some of your favorite villains again : Crowley, Lilith, Lucifer… And also Sammy and Jack…

Serie Warnings : Hurt!Dean, Hell (torture, even if we tried to not give it graphic descriptions, creepy demons, blood, violence), swearing, angst, future fluff and smut.

This story is in both Reader’s POV and Dean’s POV

Wordcount : 4330

Note : This is our second collaboration. We can’t both edit the same post, so we decided we would post 1 chapter/2 each, like we did for Same.

We both worked as much on this story and it’s the result of both our brains but also both our hearts.

Please, if you want to show love for this story, don’t forget we were together in this.

This story will be around 10 chapters and we intend to edit it every Saturday if nothing delays it.

Firefly Chapter 1

Firefly Chapter 2

Firefly Chapter 3

Firefly Chapter 4

Firefly Chapter 5

Firefly Chapter 6

Jay’s Masterlist

Roonyxx Masterlist

——————————————————————————

She wasn’t moving at all. Sitting on the bench in the middle of this ocean of life, she watched people walk by. The sun had gone down now, after moving from building to building, making giant shadows change the whole city constantly.

She was overwhelmed, unable to move at all. Her eyes were drinking the world like new born baby’s ones. None of her muscles moved for hours, her fists clinging at her dress, her heart bleeding in silence for Dean.

A few people stopped to ask her if she was okay, but she couldn’t answer, her voice locked in her lungs…

But she finally got up.

After days of hiding in alleys, and walking on boulevards, escaping weird men yelling at her in the dark of night… It started to rain. A heavy, pouring storm rain that made her dress heavy and washed the dust out of her. And that warm loud summer rain somehow woke her from her torpor.

She had to live, and learn everything about life because that’s what Dean wanted for her… But Dean wasn’t here, and he will never be. So she came back to that bench, soaked and shaking, and started to cry for him. She had to be happy for the man she loved, and couldn’t without him…

Her tears only calmed with the rain that day. And even when her eyes stopped crying, her heart never stopped weeping for Dean a single second.

Not when she got up from that bench to find a map of the city on the subway station, not when she found clothes, and ripped that stupid dress of her body… It was still weeping when she first found people in the street and asked her where to find food. It was screaming inside her during her first night in a foster home for homeless people… When she fought for the first time to escape men again.

Her heart was weeping for Dean the first time she laughed, seeing cartoons in a TV store front, when she found out about drugs and abuse, cheating, wealth... when she started to be hungry, when she fell of exhaustion in an alley…

And even if her eyes stayed dry, her soul kept crying when the demons attacked.

Lilith had sent them after her as soon as the Queen noticed Y/n was no longer in Hell. She was hiding in an abandoned building when dozens of demons attacked her, she fought with teeth and nails to get them off and she won, but that wasn’t the end… Lilith kept sending more minions and, exhausted but determined to live, Y/n had only one option left.

She faked her own death. With the help of her powers and some research in the nearby library and in the maze of knowledge she had memorized over the years, she tricked the demons into believing she was dead, and used a certain pattern of sigils to hide herself, cloaked from every supernatural being.

Finally she was free.

So things went easier. After a little while, she met her own little angel : Sue. An older lady who offered Y/n shelter when she caught her dumpster diving her diner. Sue found Y/n a little odd at first, everyone thought that of her, but just as with every person Y/n had met on her way, Sue liked the happy girl she always seemed to be, enthusiastic about the very simpler things ; so she offered Y/n a job as a waitress in her diner.

_____________

Y/n’s window was rolled down as the loud music blasted through the speakers of her raven black 1967 Ford Mustang as she drove to work, still the same job at Sue’s diner. And she was smiling wide on her way, because she loved every single thing about this job.

She parked her car in the lot and made her way inside to take her light blue apron.

“Morning Y/n! How are you doing today sweetie ?” Sue asked.

“You know, same old same old.” Y/N shrugged.

Tying her apron on her, Y/n smiled kindly. She looked so different from what Dean had known, and hopefully different enough so no demon passing by ever recognized her. Her hair was tied together and no longer falling on a waterfall in her back. No more fancy dresses but only jeans and all the t-shirts she liked, with rock bands on it, or her favorite movies posters...

Sue sighed and put her hand on Y/n’s shoulder.

“Are you still working on freeing Prince Charming ?” she asked Y/n with an apologetic smile.

“Yes, I promised I would get him out and I won’t stop until he is” she said determinedly.

When Sue had just found Y/n she kindly offered her to stay at her house until she could get on her own feet. Y/n dreamed a lot about Dean, some dreams worse than the others, so after the third night of her guest screaming Dean’s name, Sue had asked her who he was. Y/n couldn’t tell her everything so she said he was the love of her life and was wrongly imprisoned, and that she had promised to get him out.

“He’s a very lucky guy to have you, Y/n” Sue told her.

“Yeah, I just… I miss him so much…” Y/n said as she made the last knot on her apron.

“I know sweetie, but if you truly love him, he’ll come back, just wait and see” she smiled with that protective expression she always had when it came to her protégée, even if she seemed sometimes perplexed about all those stories she told.

She gave her her note book to write down the orders.

“Yeah I hope so” Y/n clicked on her pen and made her way into the diner to take up the orders of all the customers.

It was a quiet day, she loved this little diner, the food was amazing and it even had a little jukebox she often used. It had given her a shelter, money to live, but also an identity and friends. A life.

Her smile faded like it did sometimes, Dean would have loved this diner too… She thought back to all the things she discovered on Earth.

She did everything Dean had told her about : She went to the movie theater, she learned how to drive (thanks to Sue), she had a date or four, went to a party, she got drunk a few times. She danced alone and with others, kissed a girl and travelled a little. Her appetite for life was never ending, so she had driven to the ocean and dived, she had smoked weird things once and ran in the forest, she had woke in the middle of the night to go buy ice-cream, she had sang in the shower and stayed home for an entire weekend crying while watching bad tv shows… And she even lost her virginity to a sweet boy. But nothing could get her mind off Dean, calm her weeping heart or divert her from her goal.

Every night she looked up at the stars and imagined him by her side, she could use her power to create an image of him that existed out of a million little stars, well more like a million little fireflies.

A lot of time had passed since she last saw him, her heart broke at the thought of him down there for so long. He must have forgotten her by now, if his soul even survived those many years.

A throat being cleared pulled her from her daydreaming. She turned to find a man smiling at her.

“Oh my apologies, what can I get you, sir ?” she asked the man, there was something unpleasant about him, he had dirty blonde hair and she didn’t like the way his blue eyes were traveling her up and down.

“Are you on the menu ?” he asked her with a sly smile.

Y/n sighed deep, why were a lot of men on Earth such… pigs ?

“No sorry, I was just joking” the man began. “I’ll take a coffee with some pancakes.”

Y/n wrote his order down and left with a forced smile.

He was the only customer today so Y/n handed the paper to Sue so she could make it and sat down at the little bar. She was watching the man in the mirror that hung on the other side of the counter. She couldn’t shake the eerie feeling she got from the man, he looked normal, but she could feel something… something powerful radiating off him.

The bell pulled Y/n out of her haze as she took the coffee and pancake to the man.

“Here you go sir, enjoy your meal” Y/n said as she dropped the food at his table.

“Thank you.”

She was starting to leave when his voice stopped her.

“Can I ask you a question, miss ?” he asked as he took a bite from the pancake.

“Yeah, of course” Y/n shrugged.

“You haven’t been here for long have you ?” he said as he looked at her.

“Uhm no, not very long. Are you from around here ?” Y/n asked, he was just a normal guy, it was impossible for anyone to find her anyway.

“Oh no not at all. But i didn’t mean this diner...” he kept on eating nonchalantly, he swallowed. “I meant Earth.”

Y/n’s eyes went wide, she turned and ran towards the exit only to bump into the man who was just sitting at the table behind her half a second ago.

“Who are you” Y/n asked as she stepped back from him

A deep sigh left his mouth.

“It hurts me that you even have to ask that, Y/n” he blinked and his irises turned to a fiery red.

Y/n ran towards the kitchen to get Sue. She pulled open the door and shrieked as her dear friend fell on her with her eyes burned out.

Dead.

“No ! Sue !” Y/n started shaking, cupping her friend’s face. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER ?” Y/n screamed to the man walking in casually.

“She put too much milk in my coffee, so I ended her” he shrugged nonchalantly.

Y/n stood up, her eyes a flare as she widened her arms to unleash her powers. Two fiery tentacles wrapped around the man’s legs.

“You’ll regret this” she said, her voice sounding like a thousand people at once.

The man gave her a sly smirk and snapped his fingers, her powers stopped immediately. She thrusted her hands forward to him, but nothing happened. Fear shone in her eyes as she looked at him in disbelief.

“It’s time we should head home, Y/n” he stepped closer to her, his fingers tilting up her chin.

“We have a family to start” he whispered against her lips with a dark chuckle.

“L-Lucifer” she gasped.

His arms wrapped tight around her and before she could blink she was back in Hell.

The suffocating smell of sulfur and blood made her cough, her whole body started to shake as she started to desperately gasp for air, her lungs crushed by the most powerful anxiety she ever felt. Her arms reached to her enemy in a pleading scratch, like he was strangling her…

“Home sweet home, baby” he cruelly cooed in her ear, his breath heavy on her skin.

She pried her arms between them to push out of his embrace. He chuckled as he let her go and she fell backwards, scrambling away from him.

“Stay away from me!” she finally managed to yell at him, her eyes flaring back to life as she was losing control over her powers.

He tilted his head at her as he watched her, his steps following her every move.

“You are such a pretty thing, I see some potential too. But I was told you were,” he hummed in thought “a pain in the ass. And I’m starting to see why.”

Her eyes were scanning everything, the bloody walls, the frozen air all around her, the never ending screams, the smell of fear and fire.

No she couldn’t be back in Hell…

With a turn of his wrist she was lifted up in the air, she tried to fight his power, but he was too strong… She couldn’t take on the Lord of Hell…

“Y/n, I’m only going to tell you that only once : You will obey and be helpful” he said with every step until he stood nose to nose with her, his eyes drinking her in.

She gave him a sweet smile before she spat in his face.

“Never” she told him.

His hand came up to wipe her spit away, he licked his hand clean, humming at her taste.

“As you wish, Y/n. Then my little slave needs chains...” he sneered.

Iron ropes wrapped around her as soon as the word left his lips, they burned into her flesh making her scream in pain. She fell heavy to the ground at his feet.

“For eternity” he finished as he sat down on his throne.

“No p-please, no chains… everything but chains” she begged him.

“Oh no baby, I know what you used to do when you’re set loose, but forget about that, he isn’t here anyway, no reason to go wandering. Jeal told me all about you and your little lover.” he said as he crossed his legs over each other.

“H-he isn’t ? H-How” she asked, suddenly able to ignore the pain of the iron digging in her flesh.

How was that possible ?

“He got out, Heaven’s plans. Now stop asking or I’ll gag you too” he sighed, looking at her. “I’ll make you your own little cage, like they did for me. No way you’ll get away from this one. And don’t think your daddy will help, he still thinks you’re dead. Everyone does.”

She whimpered in silence, only one thought on her mind. He was free…

Dean Winchester was alive.

________________________

Dean’s Pov

Dean woke up in a little painful whine, he opened his eyes and wiped the sweat off his face and neck, watching the ceiling, trying to focus on the contour of his body, the sheets and the pillow. He took a deep breath to calm his heaving chest.

Another nightmare.

And this one wasn’t the violent surviving of Purgatory, it wasn’t the burning guilt of old fights with John, the crushing pain of seeing Sam die ; it wasn’t the despair of losing Mary again, the disturbing memories of being a demon… It was the worst : Hell.

And among the worst, the tortures and the screams, tonight’s nightmare had to be about the cruellest idea demons ever came up with : fake hope.

In his dream, he was laying on the floor of his cell, barely able to breath because of the blood drowning his lungs, and he felt her hand, her tiny soft fingers wrapped around his wrist to ease his panic. She whispered sweet things to him but when he lifted his eyes to see her face, only Alastair was there, laughing loud and sharpening knives.

Dean stretched and shook his head, like he could get rid of those memories like that. He couldn’t let nightmares get to him, and he couldn’t let his past crush him.

With his guts still aching from the dream, he forced himself to get up. Staying in bed only made the memories clearer, and the trauma cut deeper. He knew only another hunt could ease the pain.

Maybe, just maybe, if he saved enough people, he would finally expiate.

The bunker was silent, even Sam was still sleeping so early in the morning. Walking to the kitchen, he frowned : His knee was still hurting and the bruises on his face and collarbones too.

Damn demon.

He turned to enter the kitchen and jumped a little.

“Hi Dean, sorry I scared you” Jack said, looking up from his bowl of cereal, his big eyes going to the hunter’s wounds quickly. “How are you ?”

“I’m fine. What are you doing up so early ?” Dean grunted, going straight to the coffee in his long grey robe.

“I have trouble sleeping lately” the boy answered, frowning in confusion like he often did.

“Try whiskey” Dean muttered low in a sleepy grunt.

“Alcohol is really not a solution to my problem I think” Jack turned to him, even more confused.

“I was kidding” he sighed, sitting in front of the young boy.

Sometimes Jack really was Castiel’s son…

The hunter scratched his scruff and took the cereal to plunge his hand in the box, eating some while reading the joke behind it.

“I hear a voice in my head” Jack sighed.

Dean looked up, ready to make a mocking joke but he noticed a genuine worry on the boy’s face.

“A voice ?”

“Yes” Jack searched Dean’s face. “At first I thought maybe I overheard something on the angel radio, but… It seems different.”

“What does it say ?”

“I don’t really understand it” Jack shrugged.

“Understand what ?” Sam asked, scratching his head while entering the room with his hair in every direction and the left side of his face still swollen and bruised. “Wow, everyone is up early this morning ! What am I missing ?”

“Jack says he hears a voice” Dean repeated, getting up to get coffee now it was ready. “But he doesn’t know where it comes from or what it says” he groaned slightly.

Please don’t let that be bad news again…

Dean sat heavily, rubbing his tired eyes while his brother interrogated Jack. How long had he been hearing the voices, were there several, was it constant… The boy only had a very few answers.

“We need to find where it comes from, Dean” Sam states, making his brother grunt again in his coffee mug.

That didn’t sound like a good old fight and kill hunt, it sounded like trouble.

_____________________

Dean pushed the heavy metal door and went down the stairs, overhearing his brother, Jack and Castiel talking in the library.

Reaching them, he almost threw the bag on the wooden table, not daring to ask any question seeing the three too serious faces looking at him.

“I guess no good news” he mumbled deep in his throat looking down to grab a beer from the bag.

“Dean” Castiel started with his worried voice, making the hunter look instantly slightly annoyed. “The voice comes from Hell.”

“Hell” Dean repeated casually, taking a sip of beer to wash the word from his mouth. “There are a lot of voices in Hell, it’s pretty loud down there.”

When his eyes fell on Sam, a shiver roamed his back. He had the face, Dean hated that face, the “you’re not going to like it” face. So he put his beer down on the table and sighed.

“What is it ?” he finally asked.

“The voice, Dean” Jack said. “It’s calling you.”

“Me” Dean’s eyes widened. “There can be another dude named Dean in Hell !”

“Dean…” Sam sighed. “Who could be calling you ?”

Dean’s first thought went to Bobby. They had freed him from Hell a few years ago, he was supposed to be in Heaven, and Crowley had decided differently… Maybe someone they lost ? An innocent locked in Hell by mistake ? But Rowena was on the throne now… Would she do that ?

“How can you hear a voice coming from Hell ?” he shook his head. “Do you hear them all ?”

“No” Jack said. “Only this one.”

Dean sat and took a deep breath, realizing this would mean that he would have to visit Hell... again. After those break in, the nightmares were always worse, and last time he had to deal with a panic attack in the shower.

“Okay” he stated. “What is the plan ? And how do we know it’s not a trap ?”

_____________________

“So your plan…” Rowena frowned from her throne, her long dress nonchalantly falling on the floor. “Is letting the boy follow a voice like a dog on a leash ?”

Dean’s face was stern, his arms tense, his heart a little compressed in his chest.

Each time he smelled that horrible sulfur mixed with blood smell, it was like he could feel the chains and the needles and hear Alastair’s voice all over again. Then he had two choices in his mind : Either he accepted it, and stayed with the demon’s croaky voice in his head for days, or focused on what had made him hold on for years back then : the secret girl’s soft touches ; but then the fear was replaced by the crushing feeling of despair and sadness, at knowing he had been fooled that bad, into believing innocence exited.

“More or less” his brother answered. “Rowena, you have to admit it’s something new… And if there are leaks in Hell…”

“Yeah yeah…” the witch sighed. “But don’t come crying when your little baby angel comes back traumatized. This is not a place for kids.”

Oh the irony.

“It’s not there” Jack cut them with a frown, looking around.

“What do you mean it’s not there ?” Dean grunted. “You were sure it came from Hell !”

“It does…” the boy stated. “Just deeper.”

“Deeper ?” Sam shook his head, but turned to Rowena, immediately trusting Jack as always. “Is there a basement in Hell ?”

“A basement ? Hell is a multi-dimensional…”

“Answer him” Dean cut her, losing patience.

Rowena got up and demons entered the room. She gave orders about getting the records, about the cage, and all. After a few very long minutes, a demon in an old man vessel came closer to the Queen, whispering something in her ear.

“Oh really ?” Rowena said. “Why am I not aware of all this ?”

“Because they’re all empty, your Majesty” the demon shrugged.

“What is ?” Sam insisted with a flustered move of his hands.

Rowena sat again.

“There are cages, like the one that held Lucifer once. Smaller ones, but for all we know, they are all empty.”

“For all you know ?” Dean raised his voice a little.

“No one uses them” Rowena shrugged.

“They held an angel during the war between Heaven and Hell” the demon spoke, his voice shaking a little, obviously uneasy in front of the Winchesters. “I-in the dawn of time, but the angel was killed by Lucifer before Michael locked him in the cage… We kinda forgot where they were.”

“Take us to them” Jack ordered Rowena with this frown of his.

Rowena looked to the demon that didn’t move, his eyes on Dean, like the hunter could suddenly decide to kill all of them.

“Merihem, take us to those cages” Rowena called him. “Chop chop.”

____________________

The light of Hell’s fire didn’t reach that deep in the pit, like the sun in the deepest ocean.

Dean was holding the torch like it was his lifeline in this vertiginous nightmare of deafening silence. Everything was threateningly pitch black, a perfect representation of the fear of dark, a big cold lonely nothingness… With stairs in the middle.

“I didn’t know there was anything deeper than Lucifer’s cage” the Queen’s voice echoed weirdly in the void.

Suddenly, the stairs stopped and Dean banged into metal bars. He lifted his torch to see what was behind it, but the cage was empty.

“It’s here” Jack whispered. “I can feel it.”

Sam opened the empty cage, his arm hair ruffling at the touch of the same metal that held his soul for so long.

“Nothing” he said, holding back his own trauma probably as hard as Dean did.

“Dean…” a weak voice made them all jump, coming from the dark.

“Who is this ?” the hunter grunted, taking a few unsure steps to the next cage, firmly holding his torch in front of him with an almost trembling arm.

“Dean…” the voice now whined.

Sam put his hand on his brother’s shoulder to make him wait for him. They looked at each other, using silent words and joining their flames to fight the pitch black ahead of them.

Even used to all kinds of nightmares, Dean wasn’t so reassured in the deepest of Hell, called by a weak and plaintive voice coming from the darkest of darks.

Something moved in the cage in a deafening metal noise, a shadow fleeing the light. The brothers both let out a shaky breath, moving closer with the demon and Rowena way behind them.

Dean swallowed, finally distinguishing a body, hunched in the opposite corner of the cage, shaking. Extremely long hair was falling around the pitiful form, chained heavily even inside the cage.

“Who are you ?” he asked again. “You’re calling me, why ?”

No answer.

“Who is this ?” Sam turned to the demon that had guided them.

“I-I have no idea” it answered. “No one came here in years !”

“Dean ?” the voice seemed to struggle thinking straight.

“Jeez” Sam muttered. “For how long has she been there ?”

She ? Dean thought, realizing now it was indeed a woman, her thin delicate hands were clinging to the floor.

His heart was racing in his chest, from being in Hell, from the fear of what he would find, and from something else, something confusing, like an emotion flying in the air around him.

The girl finally lifted her face to them, teary eyes frowned at the light of the flame, her shaking hand open in front of her to soften the burning of the torch.

Dean felt hit violently in the chest, his breathing stopped in a strangled gasp as everything he certainly knew started to crumble in the back of his mind. He opened his mouth but nothing came out… After swallowing twice, he finally managed to speak.

“Firefly ?”

Next Chapter on @roonyxx‘s blog

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seiin-translations · 4 years ago

Text

2.43 S1 Chapter 4.5 - Drifting Yunichika

5. HIGH, FAST, STRONG

Sorry it took so long, there was a lot going on in this chapter

Translation Notes

1. I don’t think I word it very well here but Haijima literally says “obsessing over the face for their school grade” which I think basically means worrying over acting their age or something like that

2. I don’t know if there even is a term in English for this but a high set (二段トス) is where another player sets the ball instead of the setter because the received ball is off

3. The Sanzu River is the Buddhist equivalent of the River Styx

Previous || Index || Next

The Prefectural High School Fall Tournament was held for three days on August 1st, August 2nd, and August 3rd. For the past several years, the number of schools participating in boys’ volleyball official tournaments was fixed at twenty-two. The tournament consisted of the first round on the first day, the second round on the second day, and the semifinals and finals on the third day.

You had to win five matches to win the championship. However, Seiin High School was lucky enough to get a seeded spot in the first round of the tournament, so they would participate in the second round. In other words, they had to win four matches.

Just four matches. Those were the same conditions as the prefecturals a year ago.

As Haijima had said, the fact that there were no sub-prefectural block qualifiers and only twenty participating schools in the whole prefecture would be an unthinkable scope in a large city. That was how close it was to Nationals, but it was also undeniable that it was difficult to maintain the level of competition because there were few competitors.

Seiin High School’s first game was on August 2nd, the second day of the tournament. Before the start of the first game of the day and the second round of the tournament, the banner that read “Nanafu Seiin High School Boys’ Volleyball Team” written boldly and masculinely in black ink on white cloth, hung from the second floor of the stands and released an overwhelming presence. Needless to say, it was in the hand of Kuroba’s grandfather, as it was in the case of Monshiro Middle School. He repeatedly instructed his mother to refrain from having a large cheering squad of all his relatives as she did in middle school, but she asked to at least hang a banner. He reluctantly discussed it with Oda, and the moment he saw the actual thing, he had taken to it completely. I’ve thought about this now and then, but Oda-senpai and Grandpa would definitely get along.

I’m not…nervous today…right…?

He carefully confirmed that with himself. His body was moving well. His heartbeat was normal. Unlike the school gym, the air conditioning was working in city-run gymnasium, so it was rather cool if anything, and right now he was sweating moderately after finishing his warmup. He didn’t feel uncomfortable. I feel like I can really do it today…then again, I always think that before a match.

“Yuniii! Yuuuni!”

He heard someone calling him through the buzz that enveloped the court right before the game. He turned his head to the second floor and spotted Itoko waving at him right above the “Nanafu Seiin High School Boys’ Volleyball Team” banner hanging from the front row.

With a face that said “You found me!”, Itoko stood and pointed to the seat next to her. “Look, look!”

“Ah… Yori-chan…”

Yorimichi, wearing a tight tank top and a Hawaiian shirt, was yawning as he plunked down on the plastic chair that looked cramped for someone of his size. This was the first time he saw him since he became a university student, but with his long hair tied all the way back into a bun, he looked even more like a punk. He was a bit impressed by how even though he was plenty vulgar in his third year of high school, he still had room to get worse.

Come to think of it, he should have returned yesterday. Itoko looked as though she was proud of the achievement of bringing her brother here. It had been about a year and a half since Kuroba started playing volleyball seriously, and this was the first time Yorimichi came to watch a match.

Why did he come? He wondered. Well, he was probably dragged here by Itoko because he happened to be back, but even so, he wouldn’t have gotten up even if Itoko invited him when he’s at home, so why did he decide to come today? I wonder what he’ll think when he watches my game. Would he make fun of me? Maybe he’d laugh and say, “Why are you being so serious about sports?”

He met eyes with Yorimichi. Kuroba thoughtlessly smiled in spite of himself, but Yorimichi didn’t smile. With a bored look on his face, he jerked his chin, as though to say, “Give me something to look at.”

What should I do… What should he show Yorimichi to satisfy him? Can he get him not to say things like “I shouldn’t have come to see this”, “This is a waste of time,” or “I got woken up early for this?”

His back was poked. He turned back with a start and saw Haijima putting his fist on the left side of Kuroba’s back, right behind his heart, and glaring at him with a stern look in his eyes. It was then that he became aware that his heart, which had been calm earlier, was now beating faster.

“Ugh…Sorry again, I…”

“I told you not to look around. Just look inside the court. Everyone’s there. Enemies…and friends too.”

As he felt Haijima’s fist pressing against his back through his uniform for a while, strangely enough, his heart which had been bouncing like a rubber ball gradually regained its normal weight.

“Don’t be in a hurry. Just wait.”

When Haijima said that and lowered his fist, his heart beating in its normal position. It was like he was preparing for battle, and the taping on Haijima’s fingers absorbed his nerves.

Haijima no longer paid Kuroba any attention and started talking to Oda and the others at the courtside. Kuroba hurriedly joined the circle of matching uniforms. Seiin’s uniform was black with blue lines. Only the libero had the reverse color scheme of black on blue. When Okuma was handed the uniform, he made an ominous prediction that the team would lose halfway because those weren’t the colors of a protagonist team, and Oda had gotten angry at him (According to Okuma, the protagonist team’s colors were a combination of “white and blue.” He thought he understood what he meant).

The starting members for Seiin High School were,

Number 1 Oda Shinichiro Third Year Left 163cm

Number 2 Aoki Misao Third Year Center 193cm

Number 4 Kanno Akito Second Year Right 181cm

Number 7 Kuroba Yuni First Year Left 184cm

Number 8 Haijima Kimichika First Year Setter 181cm

Number 10 Okuma Yusuke Second Year Center 187cm

Number 5 Hokao Kazuma Second Year Libero 170cm

Reserve Number 3 Uchimura Naoyasu Second Year 175cm

The above eight members were going into the match with all their strength.

For Haijima, this tournament would be his debut high school game, but as expected of someone with nerves as thick as sewer pipes, he didn’t seem nervous at all as he went over the formation with Oda and the others. They were the only school in the tournament that had a first-year as the setter, which was a position rare for even a second-year starting member to be in due to its importance as a so-called “playmaker” position. It was already attracting attention, but Haijima didn’t care about the gazes of others, or rather, he didn’t notice.

Both teams took the court, and the cheers of the waiting parents grew louder. I wonder if Yorimichi’s voice is mixed in with them…I doubt it, though…

Crap, my mind is on the outside of the court again. I have to focus on the inside of the court. He ruminated on Haijima’s words like they were a magic spell and let them soak into his body.

“Everything is inside the court. Enemies…and friends too.”

That guy said…friends. He felt like it was the first time he heard that word from Haijima’s mouth.

He subconsciously searched for him. Haijima still wasn’t on the court. He was standing on the sidelines and fiddling with the taping on his fingers in front of his stomach. Huh…? He’s doing that thing again…?

He shook his head lightly, put his hands down to his sides, and fixed his gaze on the court, his face as stiffly focused as ever. It was a face that said everything important in this world was on the nine-by eighteen-meter volleyball court.

From the beginning of the first set to the middle, Seiin used the newly incorporated center and right combination attacks from the training camp to get most of their points until the scores of both teams reached the ten point range. The dexterous duo of Aoki and Kanno toyed with the enemy’s blocks so easily that it was funny.

And after all was said and done, it was Haijima who was masterminding that. In addition to the transcendent accuracy of his overhand handling, he was able to set the ball to any place with one hand even when the receives to the front of the net were disordered. In addition, if there was even the slightest opening——.

Haijima’s left hand flashed over the net as he looked to make a jump set. In the next moment, a two-attack was made launched into the opponent’s territory with unbelievable speed.

The other team froze, and the gallery let out cries of surprise. It seemed to have become a rumor in the venue that Seiin, a team that was completely out of the limelight, was displaying an unusual strength from the first game with an incredible rookie in their ranks. There were even people who looked like they were from the high school sports association appearing here and there on the court.

——However. He had not set a single ball to Kuroba, who was in the ace position. He was beginning to feel like he wasn’t going to hit a single ball in this match. He was sure that Yorimichi was in the stands right now, being disgusted that he wasn’t being useful at all. Even the blocker of the opposing team who he was matched up with was starting to get a look on his face like, “Why is this guy on the court?” He was beginning to feel bad that they marked him.

Oda also made a high-speed back row attack. Through the training camp, he had come to be able to match Haijima’s sets, which literally meant “high and fast,” perfectly. Kuroba’s and Oda’s highest points were thirty centimeters apart, but they were able to do powerful back-row attacks as though they were hitting the ball at the same positions.

What the hell am I doing here? He couldn’t help but feel that way. If they wouldn’t let him hit, then the team would be much better off putting Uchimura in, who played better defense than Kuroba. During the training camp, Oda and the others were searching for a formation that prioritized receiving ability by swapping Kuroba and Uchimura.

If it was until yesterday, it might have gone bad. But… He recalled his conversation with Oda this morning.

“What do you think are the features of Haijima’s sets?”

It occurred when everyone was going to the competition venue. Oda had stopped Kuroba and asked him that.

“They’re high, fast, and straight. A B pass somehow becomes an A pass. He’s unpredictable when sending the ball to the front or back, so even his teammates don’t know where it’s going. But the worst is that he has no intention to match the attackers. He makes difficult sets with a face that says ‘It’s your fault if it doesn’t reach you.’”

He answered with complaints mixed in. Oda smiled, looking strangely happy.

“Yeah. The basic ability of a good setter is to make the attacker feel good about hitting the ball. On that point, Haijima’s sets has too much of his own tendencies and are difficult to hit. But why do you think they’re difficult?”

Kuroba was puzzled by the further questioning. Even if he was asked why, all he could say was that they reflected Haijima’s sadistic and inconsiderate personality.

“Haijima’s sets are probably customized to each attacker’s ability with precision. Everyone’s highest jumping points, takeoff, and swing speed is different. The set comes right in at the moment when each person is swinging at their highest points, within a few tenths of a second. However, he doesn’t set the ball to the place where it’s comfortable to hit it, he sets it to where it would be a little difficult. It’s not a place where you can’t reach at all, but a place where you will be able to reach if you really concentrate, stretch your nerves all over your body, and bring out your maximum power to hit. That’s why I’m practicing with Haijima…I’m getting better. I realized that for the first time in a match. I can see my surroundings better than in practice. I’m gaining the ability to hit at the highest point. As far as I know, there’s no setter as dedicated as that guy.”

The word “dedicated” was about as far from Haijima as the other side of the universe, and it somehow sent a shudder down Kuroba’s spine. Seeing his doubtful face, Oda laughed again.

“Kuroba, you don’t believe in Haijima?”

“It’s not that I don’t believe in him, but…”

“Actually, Haijima told me something. He told me that no matter what happened today, I shouldn’t bench you.”

“Huh…?”

“It’s not Haijima you don’t believe in, but just yourself. If you can’t believe in yourself, try believing in Haijima.”

Hokao made a beautiful A-pass to Haijima. Aoki and Kanno ran to intersect each other behind Haijima to divert the block targets. Oda also jumped out to do a back-row attack.

Haijima threw a glance at him for a moment under his hands, which were held in an overhand stance.

“Just wait.” ——Haijima’s words before the game echoed in his head.

Before he could think about it, his body was moving and he was doing an approach run. Two well-paced steps with his right foot and then left foot. On the third step, he stepped firmly on the floor with his two feet, right and left, and lowered his ankles, knees, hips deeply. He swung his arms from back to front deeply, releasing the power stored in his lower body to leap into the air. The entire floor threw his body up high due to his elasticity—the result when one could jump the highest.

There was nothing blocking the space above the net of two meters and forty centimeters. I’m completely unmarked! The opponent’s blocking was completely shaken off by Aoki’s and Kanno’s movements. For a sensible few seconds, he stood still in the air and had a clear view of the opponent’s entire court. The course that he was meant to pierce the ball down seemed to automatically emerge. It was a sport where you had to defend a nine-by-nine meter court with a reaction speed of a few tenths of a second. If you lagged for even a moment, there would be an opening there.

Even though today was the first time they played together, even though they hadn’t played together properly during the training camp, Haijima’s set flew “straight” towards Kuroba’s highest point, so precise and accurate that it was incredible. The timing was perfect. It fit right into his hand without a millimeter of deviation. All he had to do was to leave it to the rotation of his body and swing his arms.

The ball, driven in at an acute angle, bounced up in the opponent’s court with a bang. The highest, fastest, strongest——!

He was able to spike with all his power in an official game, something he kept failing at ever since the middle school prefecturals. He didn’t know what he was stumbling over, so he was at a complete loss for a whole year. Then that single set came to him like a sword of light cutting through the darkness, and he just hit it without thinking about anything, forgetting himself completely——. He still couldn’t believe he hit it. Why couldn’t he do it until now?

“If you can’t believe in yourself, try believing in Haijima.”

At that moment, they connected. Haijima’s—that guy’s—clumsy, easy to misunderstand, disconnected words became one thought. “I won’t let that happen again.” “I’ll prove it at the Fall Tournament.” “I’ll make every ball I set to you the best ones.” “Don’t be in a hurry. Just wait.”

“Kuroba!”

As though he was tired of waiting for the long flight time to end, Oda jumped at him and put him in a headlock.

“Okay, that’s enough!”

With his hair mussed up, Kuroba absentmindedly answered, “Ah…okay.” Hokao poked his shoulder, and Aoki slapped his butt. Kanno, who was moving back to serve, gave him a small peace sign. Okuma and Uchimura were loudly cheering something from the warm-up zone.

“Seiin High School has two immoveable pillars: the high-speed combination performance developed by setter Haijima Kimichika and the explosive offensive power of ace Kuroba Yuni—we’ll be the team that people will talk like that about.”

When it seemed that the referee was going to give them a warning, Oda finally released Kuroba’s head with a “got you” look on his face.

“Well, it’s also because I was talked into it by Haijima.”

He bashfully added, and then his expression stiffened.

“Alright, Kuroba, let’s take it from here.”

“Y-Yes.”

Kuroba nodded, his cheeks flushed. He was so happy to hear the words “Ace Kuroba Yuni” from Oda’s mouth that his inferiority complex from the training camp was easily blown away.

It was just as Haijima said. You’re the team’s ace. He felt like the world was turning out just as Haijima said, and a shiver welled up from deep within him with a little bit of fear and excitement that swallowed that up.

Haijima was the only one who was completely calm about the one play and was already observing the opponent’s court with his mind on the next play. The rotation turned once, and the front row now consisted of, from the left, Haijima, Kuroba, and Aoki. The player must the rotation’s positional relationship until the ball was served, or it would be a positional fault penalty. The moment the ball was served, Haijima must quickly move to the right side and have the line order be replaced with Kuroba, Aoki, and Haijima, the three of them stood by in a tight group near the center of the front row.

“You were considering this from the beginning. Leaving me out from the combination practice…”

He couldn’t help but whisper that question as he and Haijima were huddled together behind Aoki.

In the prefecturals a year ago, Kuroba had been overly conscious of the blocks and fell apart spectacularly after being persistently marked by the opposing team. However, since Kuroba was the only attacker who could hit the ball, they had no choice but to set all the balls to him, and there was no way to get himself unmarked.

But now——Haijima said, “I can do things differently.” If the opponent was aware that their team used the center-right combination a lot, they would become wary of it and adopt a blocking system that was closer to the right, and the mark on Kuroba on the left would weaken. The scenario was to have the seniors play the role of setting the stage, so to speak, in order to have him hit the ball unmarked and get rid of his awareness that he was bad at it.

“How on earth do you make a request like that to the senpais…You really do have nerves of steel.”

He could only be thankful that he was blessed with understanding seniors.

“You’re decisive enough on your own. We’ll do the cheap tricks to get you to hit the ball. If you’re a senpai who’s so obsessed with stuff like keeping face as a senior (1) and ruin our chances of winning, then we don’t need you anyways.”

Haijima declared unabashedly while his gaze was fixed on the opponent’s court. But then he suddenly pouted and added something else in a whisper.

“…That’s why, I’m taking you. To the Spring Tournament.”

Although he didn’t say the word “senpais,” Kuroba supplemented that word in his mind. He A laugh escaped from his lips as he realized that in his own way, Haijima felt indebted to Oda and the others.

“You talk like you alone are taking them, but…we’re the ones taking them, aren’t we?”

Haijima blinked in surprise. Kuroba was embarrassed after he said that aloud, having gotten carried away and talked big. He was afraid that he would be cut down again with “you’re a hundred years too early to say that.” However,

“…Yeah.”

Haijima’s face softened, and he nodded.

Now he understood—everything was in the court. Enemies, and friends as well. He wondered if Yorimichi was watching. However, he didn’t feel like looking up at the stands, when normally he would be curious and try to find him. His feet were properly rooted here, not on the second floor of the stands.

He didn’t look for him, but he just wanted Yorimichi to see this. There was nothing to be shrink from. There was nothing to be embarrassed of. He wanted to puff up his chest and be proud of that this was the volleyball he was so passionate about right now. Above all, he wanted him to see this team.

He saw Haijima touching the taping on his fingers again. He lightly shook his head and fixed his gaze forward with a focussed expression on his face. He didn’t seem to be in bad shape, so Kuroba didn’t mind it at the time.

“Do it with the intention of taking it and hitting it yourself.”

He was told this by Hokao and Uchimura as they went along with his receiving practice during the training camp, to the point he had calluses on his ears. Don’t just sit back and watch the ball after a serve receive, run with the intention of snatching away the set to yourself. The left-side hitters have always been an easy target for the serve. That was why their receiving abilities, not just their spiking abilities, were the key to offense. No matter how good Haijima was, if his serve receive was up to par, there was no way to build an offense.

Even though he knew that, when he received the ball, he felt like he had done his job and stopped moving, but thanks to being told that over and over and repeating it in practice, it was hammered into his body. There was meaning in being taken out of offensive practice during training camp and forced to do only receiving practice.

He was hit by a serve in his bad form and fell on his butt, but he immediately jumped up and ran. Although the receive went off course, Haijima had already entered the ball’s drop point due to his outstanding reading speed and mobility. This was what he meant when he said that with Haijima, a B-pass became an A-pass. An A-pass was a good receive that allowed the setter to return to a position that didn’t move in from in front of the net for the fastest combination attack, but a B-pass was a worse receive than that. When it came to the C-pass, the setter might not be able to get it, and if that happened, the sign could not be used and another player would have to do a high set. (2) However, Haijima didn’t abandon the sign, even if it was a C-pass, and chased the ball himself to force a combination attack.

Haijima alone had the final say on who got to hit among the four attackers on the court, including Kuroba. He judged the situation instantly based on the reactions of the opposing blockers and receivers, and in Haijima’s case, rather than simply striking where they were undermanned, he chose the option that would allow him to harass his opponents the most and leave an impact on the rest of the play.

He noticed that he was being marked by a blocker, but Kuroba sent the desire of being given the ball to Haijima. Until now, all he thought about was escaping from the blocks. But now he was ready to smash one in.

Haijima touched his taping again for an instant and made a gesture of shaking his head. ——What, now?

Haijima opened his eyes wide at the ball that was approaching right in front of his face, and he turned away as though to run from it and knocked it down with his hand.

Beep——.

The whistle sounded, and there were cheers from the opposing court for their good luck. Meanwhile, on Seiin’s court, all the attackers who ended up with half-baked jumps looked at Haijima with astonishment. That was natural for anyone who knew the man named Haijima. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was someone else’s basic mistake, but Haijima——?

The ball rolled fruitlessly to the center of their court. It was unbelievable, but Haijima, who was staring at it with a look that was even filled with hatred, and then as though he had returned to himself, immediately put out his hand and flicked it out of the court.

***

“Thank you for your hard work!”

All the members of the team formed a line facing the advisor and spoke in unison. Oda stepped out of the line and faced his team members.

“Now, we’re going back to school temporarily…”

“Aah…Oda, there’s always tomorrow, so let’s just break up here. Some people live closer to here than school.”

The old advisor interjected with a slippery voice like half of his body was already submerged in the Sanzu River (3), causing Oda’s temple to twitch. “I think you’re the only one whose home is close, sir, but…” Although he bitterly grumbled that, Oda sighed in defeat and turned back to the members.

“We’ll break up here for now. The Nanafu group will stay together and return to the school. Everyone else can go back home. Tomorrow, we’ll meet in the clubroom at six-thirty. Alright, don’t get into any accidents or anything like that, and think of it as a match until you get home, don’t lose focus.”

“What is this, a field trip?”

Aoki let out a strained laugh and quipped, taking over the conversation from Oda, who looked embarrassed.

“The Monshiro group is going far away, so ask your parents to give you a ride. I’ll put the ball case in the old teacher’s car, but Kuroba and Haijima, can you bring the cooler box back home and then bring it back tomorrow?”

“Oh, yes, we can both bring it tomorrow. Our houses are close.”

The two third-years gave Kuroba a casual look as he quickly jumped to attention and answered. Guessing that they wanted him to take a look at how Haijima was doing, he stealthily glanced at his profile. Haijima, who had quickly returned to his glasses from contacts, was looking ahead with a reddened face for some reason. Is he tired…? However, he couldn’t tell the difference clearly because he always looked like he wasn’t thinking about anything, surprisingly, except when his club activity switch was on.

That was the only time Haijima made a basic mistake, and after that it had no effect on him at all, and he went on as usual—or rather, his level of “usual” was unusual—until the end, but Seiin High School continued the play and won the two games of the day. They would advance to the semifinals tomorrow, the final day.

So, they have come to the same place as the prefecturals a year ago.

It was as though they were advancing by tracing the road from a year ago. He was confident that they would break the semifinals this year for sure, and he was plenty motivated, but—a bad feeling that there was an unexpected trap lying in wait for them just like a year ago, continued to hover in a corner of his mind.

They met with the parents who came to support them from Monshiro in the gym’s parking lot. Kuroba’s mother, Kanno’s mother, Haijima’s grandmother, and Itoko and Yorimichi were there. The Kannos’ car and the Kurobas’ car (Haijima’s grandmother seemed to have ridden in the Kurobas’ car) were there, as well as a light pickup truck. The truck belonged to the relative who transported provisions to the training camp. The back of the truck was still littered with vegetable scraps. It seemed that this was the car Yorimichi borrowed to “just drive around in town” in.

Thank you so much for all your help, Kanno’s mother thanked Kuroba’s mother reverently. He wondered about the parent of a second-year being deferential to the parent of a first-year.

It seemed that Itoko had made plans to join with her school friends from now. An amusement building called Suzumu Play-One was built near Itoko’s Suzumu City high school recently, and it had a karaoke place, a bowling alley, and an arcade. It had become a hangout for high schoolers with free time (by the way, Karaoke Box Monshiro was finally demolished at the start of this year). No wonder she made her hair into a bun-looking thing on the top of her head, wore a sleeveless dress-looking thing, and carried a summer vacation-like basket bag-looking thing. He, on the other hand, had just changed out of his uniform and was wearing a T-shirt that was already drenched with sweat, carrying an enamel bag that dug into his shoulders and even a cooler box. He didn’t mind it though, because he wanted to do it.

“Good job out there, Yuni. You were pretty cool.”

“What do you mean, ‘pretty’ cool? Say I’m ‘super’ cool, onion head.”

As he reflexively shot back after being praised with a smile, Itoko took the initiative to load Kuroba’s luggage into the back of the truck, so he took it back and threw it up himself.

“You still have the semifinals and finals. You’ll get carried away if I praise you. Yorimichi? Don’t you have anything to say to Yuni?”

Itoko’s voice turned a bit angry and she slapped the driver’s door. “Aah?” Yorimichi, who was sticking his face into the air conditioner at the driver’s seat, rolled down the window with an annoyed look on his face.

“Ah, um…how was it…?”

“Doesn’t matter how it was. It was pretty cool at the venue. I thought it would be hot, so it took a while for me to wanna go there.”

He sloppily leaned against the door with one arm out the window. Even though he didn’t exercise, his arms were muscular, and they were a size thicker than Kuroba’s who recently started to work hard at muscle training. His tank top was tightly stretched over his thick chest. He could try doing some kind of sport even now…

“Ugh, don’t dodge the question and tell him. You wanted to see a volleyball game, didn’t you?”

Itoko said, putting her hands on her hips with an exasperated look on her face.

“Huh!? Yori-chan, you’re interested in volleyball!?”

“No way.”

He had widened his eyes and unintentionally said that with hope in his voice, but got flatly rejected on the spot.

“I just wanted to see what you’re so into. You probably found something there you haven’t told me about…Well, it looks like you’ll be keeping at it for a long time, so work hard at that.”

“Geez, just be honest!”

Yorimichi withdrew his head from out the window, and Itoko got angry. But for Kuroba, it was more than enough. Those were Yorimichi-like words of support. Come to think of it, he wasn’t drinking while watching the game today. He didn’t come here to make fun of him. He had him understand that he was doing this seriously. He didn’t know what he was shrivelling from. He knew that Yorimichi wouldn’t laugh for no reason at the things people cherished.

That’s why I like Yorimichi…

“…Mm. I will work hard.”

He answered bashfully. Yorimichi was already pretending not to hear and fiddled with the car radio. “There’s only enka,” he complained.

At that moment, he heard a hoarse scream and something being struck.

He turned around and saw Haijima and his grandmother next to the Kurobas’ car. There was more than a head of difference in height between the grandmother and Haijima, which made her look extremely weak. A dark red handbag had fallen at her feet, and her wallet and other small items were scattered across the asphalt.

“Why are you using that without asking me…?”

Haijima said with a trace of anger in his voice. His grandmother’s small frame shrunk. “W-Why are you getting so angry all of a sudden? I thought you didn’t want it anymore since you put it away in the closet…”

“Haijima? What are you doing to your own grandma?”

Confused, Kuroba rushed over as he reproached him. When he crouched down and was about to pick up the scattered items, the old woman also hurriedly crouched down and ran her wrinkled little hands over the asphalt to gather the small items, saying, “Aah, young master, there is no need to do this.”

He was about to pick up the handbag when his hand stopped.

A dark red schoolbag… This is…

“Don’t touch it.”

Haijima’s hand snatched the bag from over Kuroba’s head.

On his knees and speechless, he looked up at Haijima. The summer evening sunlight, which was still beating down on them, illuminated Haijima from behind so he couldn’t see his expression, but he could clearly see that the bag he was gripping had…that Tokyo middle school’s emblem—the one Kuroba didn’t know—embroidered on it.

Why…? Along with that question, he felt anger.

You said you weren’t going back, didn’t you? So why do you still treasure that thing…?

I wonder if I’m hurting right now.

“I ain’t going back” …Even though I believed in those words I heard at the training camp, I might be feeling betrayed.

***

He smacked the top of his alarm clock that ringing shrilly next to his pillow with the palm of his hand as though he was spiking with all his might. He sluggishly peeled his face away from his pillow and looked at the digital display of his now-silent clock. It was 5:05 in the morning.

“Mmm…Gotta get up…”

He had to take the first train in order to get to the clubroom by the 6:30 meeting time. He had to jump over one city to go to school, so a roundtrip to school took up quite a lot of time.

“…Five more minutes…”

His consciousness sank the moment he plopped his head down on the pillow again.

The alarm rang again. He half-consciously hit the clock that was still under his hand, but it didn’t stop no matter how many times he hit it. “…Nn?” It wasn’t the alarm. It was another sound. “…My phone…?” Groaning like a zombie that had risen from the grave, he reluctantly crawled out from his futon.

The Kuroba main house was a purely Japanese home, and Kuroba’s room was also a Japanese-style room with tatami mats and a futon. He could hear muffled ringing from the enamel bag he had thrown to the foot of his futon. Now he remembered that he forgot to charge it yesterday before falling asleep.

“Hup.”

As he was waking up, he raised his upper body vigorously in the manner of a push-up. Midway through, a shiver of pain ran up his back. “Aaagh,” he groaned and ended up curling his back. He crawled over to his bag with his hand behind his back. It was a different kind of pain from the muscle pain he got after practices and games, and his body ached all over, not just his back. His cheekbone was still throbbing with pain.

He thought that if it gave up halfway and stopped ringing, he wouldn’t have to answer it. But the ringing spitefully continued until he reached into his bag and fumbled for his phone.

“Oda-senpai? You’re an early riser.”

When he saw the caller’s name on the display, he thought of Oda’s face, full of enthusiasm like he had been running in the morning. Oda’s house was close to the school, so he shouldn’t have to get up as early as Kuroba.

“Fwah, g’morning…”

“Kuroba, come to school immediately!”

He heard Oda’s voice, refreshing and clear right in the morning, just like the image in his head.

“…? I’m going there now, but…”

“Come directly to the staff room, not the club room. Depending on your answer, we…will have to withdraw from today’s game.”

The sleepiness that had been coiled about his head dissipated at once.

“…What?”

He could only hear Oda’s heavy groans from the speaker.

He thought it was déjà vu from a year ago. No, he really wished it was just déjà vu.

We’re withdrawing…? From the semifinals?

——Again?

Previous || Index || Next

#2.43 #2.43: Seiin Koukou Danshi Volley-bu #2.43: Seiin High School Boys Volleyball Club #2.43 book 1 #2.43 translation

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bellakitse · 5 years ago

Text

Master post - 30 days of Tarlos

30 Tarlos One-shots - Master Post

{thanks to @insidious-intent for the gif. ❤}

Complete Series on AO3

Day 1 - I’ll be here for you - 1.5K

“I can’t believe you came here instead of going home,” TK whispers when the kiss ends, his green eyes shining bright with affection and a little amusement. “You really didn’t have to.”

When TK can't sleep, Carlos comes to be with him at the firehouse.

Day 2 - Sunshine Smile Today - 1.3K

Marjan lets out a giggle that she tries to cover with her hand, it’s high-pitched and adorable and makes TK grin. He turns his head to look back at the boys still in the middle of their challenge; his smile grows when he catches Carlos’ eyes, grinning at him as he pulls himself up again.

“He’s gorgeous,” Marjan continues, agreeing with him. “But what’s really great about him is how happy he makes you. It’s such a difference.”

Marjan notices how happy TK is compared to before.

Day 3 - The Last of the Romantics - 1.5K

Michelle has a history of setting Carlos up with the worse guys possible, she swears this time it's different.

* “Tell me about him,” he says resigned, knowing he’s been played by the way Michelle instantly perks up.

“He’s one of the new members at the 126,” she starts with a grin. “And Carlos, he’s so pretty.”

Day 4 - A Witness to their Love - 1.7K

Owen doesn’t call attention to himself for a moment as TK and Carlos get lost in each other. His heart squeezes tight as he watches. His son looks happier than he can remember in the longest time.

Owen is a witness to his son falling in love.

Day 5 - lost in every inch of you - 2.3K

“What, baby?” Carlos questions when he stops. “What do you need?”

“You?” he says in a question, licking his lips.

TK comes home after a long shift, needing to touch his boyfriend.

Day 6 - A Change in Title - 1.2K

“You just called me your boyfriend,” he says as he starts to smile.

TK’s eyes widen, his words seem just now to be catching up with him, and there is the start of a pretty blush on his face. “Uh –“

While out with Carlos, TK hides from someone he rescued, it starts a conversation and ends in a change of status between them.

Day 7 - of chicken flautas and intimidating mothers - 1.8K

“I know we saw each other just last night, but I already missed you.”

Carlos' heart flutters at TK’s words and touch, but he can’t forget the tiny force to be reckoned with, not forty feet away. “That’s really sweet, and I feel exactly the same way,” he continues. “But my mom is here, and she’s watching us – no, don’t look around!”

It’s the annual first responders’ cookout and Carlos is about to introduce his boyfriend to his mother.

Day 8 - Let's Start with Breakfast - 2.1K

“Hi, you must be TK,” he says, turning around to face him fully, and TK doesn’t know where to look – that beautiful face with a head full of curls he wants to sink his hands into, or the perfectly chiseled chest that reminds TK of studying about Michelangelo’s David in his art studies course. “I’m Carlos.”

TK wakes up in his friend's apartment and meets his new roommate, Carlos.

Day 9 - Midnight Talk about Boys - 1.8K

Marjan watches as whatever the other person on the phone – obviously someone TK is seeing – talks to him, whatever the other man is saying makes TK all but melt into the cushions of the couch as he leans back and stares dreamily at the ceiling.

When Marjan can't sleep, she finds TK in the common area talking lovingly to someone on the phone.

Day 10 - Let's Go to the Mall - 2.4K

While at the mall, TK finds a little girl crying because she can't find her mother and uncle. Imagine TK's surprise when her uncle turns out to be his boyfriend.

Day 11 - The Forever Tamales - 4.0K

“Marriage Tamales?” he asks, confused, his heart ticking upward as the sisters nod and smirk at him and Carlos.

They start to explain the significance of the special dish. Every word they utter makes his heart race as he tries to come to terms with the fact that Carlos made him a dish so important to his family.

* A companion piece to 'The Marriage Tamales' from TK's POV

Day 12 - Stumbling a Step - 2.2K

The drive to work is quiet, out of the corner of his eye he sees Carlos grip the steering wheel a little harder as the car comes to a stop in front of the firehouse.

“I have a long shift today,” he says, his tone stiff. “I won’t be home until after midnight.”

TK looks over at his boyfriend; it’s the first thing Carlos has said since their shout out the night before.

A fight with Carlos leaves TK in a foul mood. Judd sets him straight.

Day 13 - chicken soup and mashed potatoes - 1.4K

Carlos wakes up with a pounding headache as his alarm goes off. The tickle in his throat he had the night before now feels like knives; it hurts to swallow.

When Carlos is sick, TK is there to take care of him.

Day 14 - Cuervo Confessions - 1.2K

“What’s so pretty about TK, Carlos?” she asks, her blue eyes twinkling when Carlos lights up at the question.

Drunk Carlos is adorably in love with his boyfriend and has no filter.

Day 15 - Pancakes and Coffee Syrup - 2.1K

Opening the bathroom door again, he stops, freezing like a deer caught in the headlights when he finds his boyfriend’s father standing just outside the bathroom. From the way he’s dressed, it’s obvious he’s just come home from the overnight TK told him he was on.

“Good morning, Carlos,” he greets him calmly. Like this is a regular occurrence for them to run into each other outside his bathroom, and instead, not the first time ever that Carlos has spent the night in his house.

Carlos spends the night at the Strand household, Owen makes him breakfast in the morning.

Day 16 - We begin on a Tuesday - 1.8K - Part 1 of Days that Matter series

When the 126 have a spot to fill in their crew, Judd recommends his buddy Carlos Reyes from the 121.

Firefighter Carlos AU!

Day 17 - on Wednesday we fell - 2.1K - Part 2 of Days that Matter series

Carlos has been part of the 126 for three months now, every day TK falls for him a little more. After a nightmare, TK can't hold back his feelings anymore.

Day 18 - I was born Thursday's Child - 2.5K - Part 3 of Days that Matter series

“It’s Carlos, sir,” Judd gets out quickly, and TK feels an ice-cold fear run up his spine at the urgency he hears in his friend’s voice. “He was a step behind me, the floor caved, and he went through into the basement.”

Carlos gets hurt on a call.

Day 19 - Friday, I'm in Love - 1.1K - Part 4 of Days that Matter series

Eight months after Carlos' accident, TK and he are more in love than ever. They also have some news for their family.

Day 20 - Meddle, meddle, meddle - 1.8K

Carlos is having a few drinks with his sisters when the conversation turns to his love life. When they dare him to pick up someone at the bar, Carlos knows exactly who to go for.

* “Fine,” he says, already standing up, he points at the man at the bar. “I’ll play your game, not only am I getting his number, I’m not coming back to the table, I’m going home with him.”

Day 21 - That Green Colored Thing - 1.8K

TK Strand is not jealous.

Just because Carlos has been across the bar for the last fifteen minutes, talking to some handsome idiot who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of personal space and is so close to Carlos, they might as well be glued together doesn’t mean he’s jealous.

Day 22 - Midnight Solace - 1.3K

When not being able to sleep triggers a panic attack, Carlos is there to help TK through it.

Day 23 - We were meant for one another, come a little closer - 3.0K

TK stares at him, mouth open, and Carlos can’t help but stare back as his heart pounds loudly in his ears. He feels naked, like every feeling he’s been hiding from TK for so long is now on the surface for him to see.

Carlos and TK are best friends and roommates. When TK comes home from a failed date, it reveals long-time hidden feelings.

Day 24 - Worth it - 1.0K

They get called to a standoff situation in a laboratory building downtown. TK is in the middle of helping create a perimeter with Paul when he hears a familiar voice over the radio and realizes with a sense of dread that it’s not just Austin Police that is inside, but it’s also his boyfriend of five months, Carlos.

When Carlos is in a dangerous situation TK can't hold back.

Day 25 - Sealed with a Kiss - 2.3K

Carlos is in the middle of finishing the last of his daily reports when the first text comes in, followed quickly by a second.

‘What time are you coming home, baby?’

‘I miss you.’

'I’m waiting in bed…for you.’

TK is a menace, Carlos loves him anyway.

Day 26 - Super Papa - 1.5K

Luca looks at him with wide eyes. “Papa a hero?” he asks, probably remembering what the reporter had called his father.

“Papa is a big hero,” he answers his boy.

TK watches Carlos on the news with their son.

Day 27 - Stating Intentions - 1.5K

“TK, if you don’t stop fidgeting, I am going to tie you to the flag pole and leave you there.”

TK worries in the kitchen of the firehouse while Carlos and his dad talk in his office, it distracts Paul from his cooking with his fidgeting.

Day 28 - One for the Pro column - 1.7K

While at the gym, TK runs into Carlos, the officer he danced with two weeks ago and hasn't been able to stop thinking about since.

Day 29 - Future Tamales - 1.9K

TK visits Carlos' mom to ask her a very important question and to ask for a special recipe.

The final part to 'The Marriage Tamales'

Day 30 - TK’s perfect and simple morning - 1.3K

TK Strand-Reyes wakes up to his bed slightly shaking, and soft little boy giggles followed by an amused ‘shhh’ from his husband.

Luca and Carlos make TK breakfast after he had an accident at work.

#911 lone star #tarlos #tarlos fic #30 days of tarlos #fic masterpost #my writing #fic rec

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dokidokivisual · 4 years ago

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Gochiusa BLOOM episode 7 impressions

Previously: 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

In real world Halloween might have been a month ago, but in the world of Is The Order a Rabbit it’s exactly the season for all things spooky. And maybe things become a little too supernatural for a slice of life show. In the last episode we’ve seen how BLOOM symbolizes the growth of the characters. And as we enter the second half of the season, another meaning is revealed...

But first let’s visit Ama Usa An, where horror-loving Chiya is decorating the traditional Japanese teahouse for Halloween. Since Halloween is decidedly not a traditional Japanese holiday, it looks kinda surreal, but Chiya’s grandmother is more worried about souls of the dead coming back to life, especially that of Chino’s grandfather (see season 2 episode 9 for more of their backstory). Of course the soul of Chino’s grandfather isn’t actually dead, but is inhabiting the body of a rabbit. It’s not clear how exactly this happened and Cocoa might have been involved.

Speaking of Cocoa, we see her practicing with the magic set she bought in the first episode of the season. She tries to make something appear in her hand, but nothing happens. Clearly you can’t just learn to summon matter into existence in Gochiusa world, or can you? Anyway the shot focuses on a candy laying on a table before the opening sequence cuts in. This must be the object Cocoa has tried to summon and it’s also clearly a foreshadowing for something.

Meanwhile, Maya and Megu are trick-or-treating in matching werewolf(?) outfits hoping to score some free candy. Interestingly the tradition of giving out candy on Halloween has descended from a medieval practice of sharing so-called “soul cakes” which represented the souls of the dead.

Meanwhile the staff of Rabbit House are dressed as vampires. The theme of vampires fighting werewolves brings up to mind the Twilight series although I’m sure the idea came up many times throughout history. If you look closer, you’ll notice that Cocoa, Rize and Megu have fake fangs (I think Maya’s is natural), although they’re not consistently drawn between scenes, even though in the manga they’re drawn correctly. Maybe they’ll fix this in BD. The only one whose fang is not shown is Chino, and ironically she is the one who actually bites somebody.

Also the flashback of Chino “roaring” at the mirror reminded me of the scene from Celestial Method where Noel (also voiced by Minase Inori) roars at a dinosaur standee. To be fair it sounds completely different but I just can’t help but compare them.

Also while I was browsing through my copy of volume 6 I found a cute illustration card that seems to be relevant to this episode, but includes Mocha and Cocoa as the wolves and Chino as the vampire (here’s a highres version).

I think I bought this particular volume in Japan on the day it was released. Good times...

Next MaMe go to Fleur de Lapin and are greeted by Sharo dressed as Little Red Riding Hood (bunny version). This costume appeared earlier in an illustration for the rabbit chapter from the previous episode.

This is also a rare scene where other employees of Fleur de Lapin can be seen, as usually Sharo is shown working there alone. Even in the manga, Sharo is the only employee shown in this scene. In the end it turns out that Sharo is a wolf in disguise and craving for some meat. Which is weird because Sharo hasn’t been shown eating or cooking any meat before.

Anyway, next stop is Ama Usa An, which is called the Witch’s Mansion now. Chiya mentions the beginning of the Sabbath, and the manga chapter’s title 今宵は甘兎サバト also mentions the Sabbath. This might be confusing because in Judaism and Christianity the Sabbath is the day of rest and happens weekly (on Saturday or Sunday). However since we’re talking about witches, this actually references the Wiccan concept of sabbat, or one of eight festivals in the Wiccan calendar. In particular, Samhain, one of the four Greater Sabbats pretty much coincides with Halloween and celebrates the beginning of winter.

Chiya does this thing where the protagonist’s hand hurts only to awaken their dark powers, I’m not really sure where this trope comes from but I’ve seen it referenced in anime before and it’s a common chuunibyo stereotype. In this case, Chiya did really just hurt her hand. There’s also some sort of runic circle drawn on her bandages, but if you look closer it says shiratama anmitsu matcha parfait in hiragana.

Maya and Megu agree to help Chiya, and become her “familiars”. Even though familiars are better known as a video game mechanic today (which is what the “level up” scene references), witches were associated with familiar spirits since medieval times. A familiar often took form of a small animal, such as a cat. Unfortunately MaMe don’t even know which animal they are, so clearly they didn’t take their backstory as seriously as Chiya did. Their ears and tails look canine to me, so I can see Megu being a fox spirit, but Maya being a cat is less believable. Also during their confrontation Megu confirms that Maya’s fang is her yaeba (snaggle tooth).

As a revenge for the trick MaMe pulled on her, Chiya gives them a selection of pumpkin tarts, one of which is laced with wasabi (which she calls ”Russian roulette”). This seems like a common thing for her, since she did the same with botamochi in season 2 episode 6, and with green tea in season 2 episode 7 (except she used aojiru instead of wasabi). However this time, it was Chiya’s grandmother who put wasabi in two of the tarts, unbeknownst to Chiya. By the way in the manga it wasn’t shown that Chiya got one of the wasabi tarts.

Chiya goes shopping for some pumpkins, but is helped by Rize, and later Sharo gives her anti-pain medications, reminding her of how Chiya tended for her when she was sick in season 1 episode 12. It’s not mentioned in the anime, but Rize also had a “motivation” for helping Chiya, as she hurt her leg before (see season 2 episode 2). Chiya invites Rize and Sharo to dinner and brings up the wasabi-laced pumpkin tarts. According to Chiya the probability of getting wasabi is 1/3. Initially there were 7 tarts, of which 2 had wasabi. Megu, Maya and Chiya eat one each, with Chiya’s having wasabi in it. That leaves 4 tarts with 1 wasabi, so either Chiya’s calculation is incorrect, or somebody ate one more tart.

Apparently last day was just a warm up to Halloween (All Hallow’s Eve’s Eve?), so next day Megu and Maya come to Chiya again and try to summon something. A larger and slightly different version of the runic circle previously seen on Chiya’s hand starts glowing and we see that the 3 white rabbits correspond to three people holding hands. There’s also Anko corresponding to the black rabbit in the middle. By the way, in the manga the sign on Chiya’s hand was just a hexagram, and the summoning ritual didn’t have any visible symbols.

Anyway, they want to summon a messenger from demon world/hell, and coincidentally Cocoa and Chino come in (dressed as vampires) and try to attack (cuddle) them. Chiya, Maya and Megu form New Chimame-tai which works because Chiya and Chino have the same first syllable. However Chi is written with kanji instead of katakana in this version (because Chiya’s name 千夜 is one of the few given names among Gochiusa characters that’s always written with kanji). This defeats Chino, and Chiya consoling Chino like a big sister defeats Cocoa as well.

Ok let’s move on to part B, which is the really important part of the episode. The streets of the town are filled with people dressed in various costumes. Cocoa’s classmates can be seen among the crowd, and Aoyama and Rin are enjoying a boat ride on River Sanzu.

Our main character have also prepared some new costumes for the occasion. First we see Chino, dressing up as Phantom Thief Lapin, while Rize is going as a police officer. Soon Chiya and Sharo join them, who somehow independently of each other also went with a Lapin costume. At least Sharo had a good excuse. For Chiya, Lapin’s gloves obscure the bandage on her hand, so maybe that’s why she chose this costume. But what about Cocoa?

Well, she kinda got lost and we find her at the location that you will recognize if you read my episode 5 review. Cocoa says it looks a little different than usual, almost like a different world (isekai). Well, there’s a lot of evidence to support this hypothesis. First, in a scene that parallels episode 1, Cocoa finds a lost child and tries to calm her down with a magic trick. However you might notice that the child’s head is literally a pumpkin with a moving mouth.

And her mother is also a pumpkinhead. Cocoa doesn’t encounter any other people during this segment, even though you’d think a spot that overlooks the town like this would be quite popular. Well, she does encounter one more person, a mysterious masked magician with an angora rabbit on her head. She also wears a G-clef pendant indicating some sort of music connection.

Now, since y’all had already watched the episode, it wouldn’t be a spoiler to say that this is the ghost of Chino’s mother, Saki. The rabbit on her head is the ghost of the original Tippy before its body was taken over by Chino’s grandfather. The original Tippy was a female rabbit, by the way, a fact established early on in the series. In Sing for You OVA (for which I wrote a not-very-detailed review by the way) it’s established that Saki was a singer and even had a record released.

Anyway, as a ghost, Saki doesn’t speak (although she still can giggle and such) and doesn’t physically interact with Cocoa (only indirectly, by casting candies at Cocoa). Nevertheless she does teach Cocoa how to do the candy trick correctly.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group tries to call Cocoa’s phone but she doesn’t answer. This is another evidence for isekai theory. Cocoa is just out of range, you see. Rize and Sharo swap their costumes (the most unrealistic part of the episode) and Sharo starts “policing” the Lapins on how the real Lapin would talk. Chiya has a bright idea to shout out for Cocoa and call her big sister. However Cocoa would obviously only react if Chino calls her that, so Rize encourages Chino to say it louder (referencing her training for the choir in Sing for You).

Cocoa and Saki hear Chino, and Saki looks at her daughter from the terrace. Chino also looks up... but doesn’t see anything. She does get a hunch that there’s something up there though, so the group finds Cocoa eventually. Meanwhile Saki feels like her time is up and makes for a quick exit, literally disappearing.

This is where Cocoa returns to the “real world”, as the current Tippy calls out for her. Why was Tippy with Cocoa anyway in the first place? Cocoa looks around and there are in fact lots of people there as expected.

Cocoa thinks that Tippy speaking is an evidence of a ghost, despite her interacting with a real ghost just a few moments before. The 3 Lapins arrive and start arguing who is the real Lapin. Chino says that it’s the one who gets away with everything in the end, implying she will take the whole Cocoa for herself. However Sharo arrests Cocoa for making everyone worry.

On the way back, Chiya recalls the legend which was also mentioned by her grandmother at the beginning of the episode about the spirits of the ancestors coming back for this one day and then returning to heavens. Chino looks up to the sky, while Tippy gives her a solace in the fact that he was once again turned away, implying that he expected to return to heaven with the other spirits.

Tippy also seemed to know what Cocoa was talking about in an earlier scene where Cocoa said she forgot to give thanks to somebody. Just what’s up with Tippy and why is he not allowed to enter Heaven is a big mystery here.

Cocoa also notices Chino being distressed and shows her the magic trick with the candy. It turns out Chino remembers this trick from her childhood, and we get to see a full flashback with Chino’s mother even getting a few speaking lines (delivered by none other but Nana Mizuki). Since the candy was probably a part of the magic set, it’s no coincidence that it has the exact same wrapper in the flashback. The color of the candy matches with Chino’s clothes at the time but you can also think of it as a combination of Saki’s white and Chino’s blue.

By the way, in the manga Cocoa conjures up two candies, and they have a plain wrapping so there wasn’t One Specific Candy like in the anime. Also in the flashback, Chino is carried by her grandfather. His face is not shown, but Takahiro is seen in the background (with Rize’s dad) so by exclusion it had to be him. And in the current scene Chino is the one carrying Tippy like this.

The episode ends with Cocoa asking Chino to tell her more about her mother, while a star is seen rising in the sky, presumably symbolizing Saki’s spirit.

Let’s go back to Cocoa meeting Saki scene one more time. Like I explained, it’s heavily implied that Cocoa isn’t really in the same world as the other characters when she meets Saki’s ghost. Of course Gochiusa had supernatural elements from the start, such as a certain talking rabbit who happens to be Chino’s grandfather. But now we have a ghost of Chino’s mother and Cocoa is the only one who can see her, but Chino can’t? Just what the heck is going on here?

But wait, there is a rational explanation for all of this! Cocoa had a hallucination triggered by all the Halloween celebrations. She imagines helping a lost child just like Chino did before (and told Cocoa about it later) and then imagines the ghost of Saki teaching her magic, because subconsciously she wants to be like Saki. She had seen Saki before on a photograph, but haven’t heard her speak, which is why the ghost can’t talk to her. Hearing Chino call her onee-chan brings Cocoa back to her senses. But how did Cocoa learn the trick if it was just her imagination? Well, consider the fact that she was practicing this exact trick at the beginning of the episode. By the time she shows it to Chino, she has already practiced it a lot of times, but maybe she only realized the crucial part (feint) during the hallucination. Either way, the blue striped candy wasn’t given to Cocoa by Saki, she had it from the start, as part of the magic set! The candies that Saki uses to show the trick to Cocoa all disappear when Cocoa returns to reality.

Saki appears one more time in the bar time scene with Takahiro, who is listening to her record Silver Spoon from Sing for You OVA and then calls her by name. I think this is the only time the name “Saki” is mentioned in the show itself, and it’s not mentioned in the manga at all (unless maybe in some recent chapters which I haven’t read yet). The first time it was revealed was during April Fool’s day Clockwork Rabbit event, as a solution to a “puzzle”. Her name is written in katakana as サキ, however one of possible readings of the word “saki” is 咲き which means “bloom”. Now consider how the last few seconds of the opening animation it cuts from a blooming field of dandelions to Saki:

The dandelions connection to Saki was previously seen in season 2 episode 1 and Sing for You. Saki’s character design doesn’t really say “blooming of dandelions” to me, but consider that a dandelion turns into this:

Now that’s more like it! Although it reminds me of Tippy as well. Anyway, that was a very mysterious episode of Gochiusa BLOOM and let’s see what happens next! Only 5 episodes remain...

#gochiusa #gochuumon wa usagi desu ka?#is the order a rabbit?#review

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sunnysidekisses · 4 years ago

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Hi Sunny!!! If anything I write here is triggering then pretend I never sent it and delete it I don't wanna make you uncomfortable!!!! I kinda need some help on what to do with panic attacks/getting really overwhelmed.. I haven't had a panic attack in a really long time, but yesterday I had one due to a friend getting extremely angry at me over something quite literally irrelevant (I asked some other people and they said that it was definitely an over reaction skdjks) they got angry at me today again, but I was okay(ish) about it!! I went to the bathroom and sat there for an hour scrolling through Tumblr to calm down and it worked!! But then I got my phone taken off me and I freaked out a little akfnaksj usually what I do when I get overwhelmed is count!! I'll count objects and I'll describe them in detail untill I have forgotten about the problem at hand!!!!!! But recently that hasn't been working which is not very fun.. I am a very fidgety person but I am in a situation that doesn't really allow me to have access to things I can play with (idk how to phrase this sorry) I was wondering if you have any ideas on what I could do to calm down when I get overwhelmed? Thank you so much dude I hope you have an amazing day!!!!!!!!!

Aww hi bubs🥺 I'm sorry to hear that your friend is being mean<3

Okay I'll send you some ideas given by my counselor to me ages ago!! I don't use them all but they might work for you🥰

1. The 5 sense

Find 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell and 1 you can taste (situation allowing)

I dunno how much that one helps since I've never tried but a friend of mine really likes it!

2. Escapism/ find your happy place!!

This is like what you did with tumblr!! You look for a mental image (whether or not that comes from an outside source or your imagination is up to you) and place yourself within that safe space

3. 4-7-8 breathing (i use this one!!!)

Inhale through your nose for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of seven, and exhale through your mouth for a count of eight

4. Normal, deep breaths (idk how to describe this but this is my go to)

Breathe deeply (kind of like your going to sleep and relaxed) and just focus on yourself for a little. I find this helps me calm down lots!

5. Tense your muscles

Okay, another wierd trick but if your feeling anxious slowly tense up all your muscles one by one, starting at the toes, hold for a little. Then slowly release them one by one (i also like to do this on an exhale? Idk it's nice) when releasing, you can also wiggle your toes/fingers/etc

6. 3-3-3 rule (this is like the 5 senses)

Look around you and name three things you can see, three things you hear and finally move three parts of your body

I hope i helped love🥺🥰 i know anxiety and panic attacks suck a lot, and i hope they get better (worse? I'll beat up the anxiety >:(} i also recommend finding someone that grounds you if your okay with physical touch and just fidgeting to get that anxious energy out! I find that helps to like imagine pouring your worries/stressed feelings into the movement, i feel better after

#sunny talks #tw anxiety

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smkkbert · 5 years ago

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We ended as Lovers (9/12)

Summary: Three years ago, Felicity’s life was perfect. She was offered a job at two great companies. Her boyfriend just started his own fashion label, and they picked a perfect apartment to live in together. The more heartbroken she was when Oliver got cold feet and it all ended. Now, Felicity is coming back to Starling City, well aware that she is destined to run into her ex-boyfriend there. While old feelings revive quickly, the pain still goes deep. Besides, for some reason Oliver seems to be angry with her.

Previous Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 or read on Ao3

* * *

Chapter 9: The old-fashioned way

Closing her eyes, Felicity took some deep breaths. She still felt like she was on the edge of breaking down or flipping out or some other hysterical reaction to everything that had happened yesterday. She just knew that she couldn’t let that happen today.

This wasn’t her day and, as the good friend that she wanted to be, she didn’t want to make it about her. All she had to do was make sure that Sara spend a comfortable and enjoyable morning before they would head to the mansion to get dressed and ready for the wedding. After she hadn’t had it in her to stay at Sara’s side and help her through the first evening with her mother and her sister in years, the least she could do was make it up by being the perfect maid-of-honor today.

Felicity shook her head when she thought back to how she had come to Starling, telling herself that she would focus on Sara and Nyssa’s wedding as well as her deal with Queen Consolidated. In hindsight, she had done a lot, but that. She had closed the deal with Robert, but she had done way too little for her friends.

Taking in another deep breath, Felicity eventually found the courage to knock at Sara’s doors. She had already lifted her hand, but the buzzing of her phone distracted her before the knuckles of her hand met the door.

While Felicity was pulling her phone from the back pocket of her jeans, it buzzed yet again.

TQ: I wanted to wake Nyssa with breakfast in bed, but she was out for a run. Girl doesn’t know what it means to be a bride on her wedding day.

TQ: How are working things out for you and Sara?

Felicity smiled, shaking her head at the thought of how disappointed Thea must have been when she hadn’t found Nyssa sleeping in her bed. Thea was certainly not a traditional kind of person, but she did love wedding traditions. She had been the one to suggest that Sara and Nyssa spent the last night before their wedding apart. When Sara and Nyssa had agreed, Felicity and Thea had decided that they should make sure the brides were spending a good morning that allowed them to get in the right mood for the wedding already.

FS: Just arrived, so we’ll see. I’m sure Sara isn’t out for a run though.

Sara loved sports. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have the muscular body that she had. Unlike Nyssa, she wasn’t that kind of person that jumped out of bed before eight to run a dozen miles before breakfast. Felicity had lived with her long enough to know that.

With that thought in mind, Felicity nodded at the door. It was opened immediately, and Sara stood at the other side, a bright smile taking over her entire face.

“I almost thought you would never knock.”

Chuckling, Felicity lifted her phone and waggled it in front of Sara’s face.

“I was about to do so when Thea distracted me.”

“How is my wife-to-be?” Sara asked. “Does she get cold feet because I could swear that, if anyone gets cold feet, it’s going to be her and-“

“Nyssa is fine enough to anger Thea by escaping the mansion for a run.”

“So, she’s perfect.”

Sara beamed with happiness at the news, knowing that Nyssa being her usual self was a good sign on a crazy day like this. She’d only be worried if her wife-to-be gave up what she loved to give into Thea’s ideas for the wedding day. Until that happened, it was safe to say that Nyssa was feeling great, which meant that she would probably show up at the altar.

Felicity couldn’t see her skip her wedding either way. Firstly, Nyssa loved Sara so much that she certainly wouldn’t miss the wedding. Secondly, Nyssa might be bolt, but she knew that Thea would chase her to the end of the world if she did anything to ruin this day.

At least in some ways, this was Thea’s big day after all. She had put so much time and energy into organizing all of this that she certainly didn’t want anything or anyone to ruin it for her or the brides.

“You look perfect too,” Felicity said eventually, looking Sara up and down, “not at all like a nervous bride.”

“My heart does feel like it wants to jump out of my chest.” Sara took in a deep breath, still beaming with happiness. “I do feel very well-rested though.”

At least one of them, Felicity thought, but she didn’t let that show. She just continued smiling back at her friend.

“I guess Thea made sure of that?”

“Is there anything she didn’t make sure of?” Sara chuckled. “I didn’t drink much last night and then Thea made sure that I didn’t get home late. That way, I had a good couple of hours of sleep.”

“I guess the wedding can come then?”

“The sooner, the better.”

Beyond happy for Sara, Felicity pulled her friend into her arms and hugged her tightly. She couldn’t possibly be happier for Sara and Nyssa. They hadn’t always had it easy, so it meant all the more that they finally got their happy ending.

Eventually, the two friends released the other from the hug. Sara laced her fingers through Felicity’s and pulled her with her into the spacious living area. She had already set the table, so they could just sit down and start having breakfast.

Pouring both of them a mug of coffee, Felicity bit down on her tongue. After what had happened last night, she wanted and needed to know if Sara and Nyssa had had at least a little fun. Felicity just didn’t want that question to turn into a conversation about what had happened between her, Oliver and Adrian. Today was just not the day for it.

“It sucks that you missed the rehearsal dinner.”

Surprised by Sara’s words, Felicity lifted her gaze to find Sara’s eyes already on her. She took her in intensely, her eyes just slightly narrowed. It was like she had seen in Felicity’s face that she had wanted to know about this, but that she just hadn’t known how to address.

“Was it good?”

“Great even.” Sara nodded her head and bit into her croissant. “The food was delicious. The atmosphere was good. I didn’t kill my mother or Laurel which I am very proud of. It was the best way I could have spent the evening before my wedding.”

“Sounds great.”

Felicity wished that she could have been with Sara during that evening. These last three years, they didn’t have many chances to spend time together and a wedding was such an important part of a person’s life. Felicity should have been there with her. Well, Felicity guessed she could add that to the long list of things her father and Adrian had ruined for her.

Although she could taste those words on the tip of her tongue, she didn’t say them. She knew that Sara would feel sorry for her, and that was the last thing she wanted. If someone should feel sorry, it was Felicity.

“I am sorry, Sara,” she whispered without thinking about it twice, “for that scene yesterday. That was supposed to be your and Nyssa’s day, and I ruined it for you with that scene. There is nothing I can say to excuse it. I am just really sorry.”

Sara frowned slightly, shaking her head. She dropped her croissant to her plate and reached out her hand. She grabbed Felicity’s hand and squeezed it.

“You didn’t ruin anything for us,” she said honestly, “because the evening wasn’t ruined. Even if it had been ruined, it wouldn’t have been your fault. Adrian was the one who caused all of that mess.”

Rationally, Felicity knew that Sara was right. Oliver had confronted Adrian, and he had attacked him, so it would have been his fault rather than hers. Not even Oliver could be blamed for his actions though, not with everything Adrian had done to them the last few years.

Felicity still felt her stomach tighten when she thought about how she had spent the last three years, thinking that Adrian was one of the best friends that she had ever had. She had texted him about a lot of things that had happened to her in Gotham and in Hub City, making sure he was updated, so they would keep in touch with each other. And all the time, he had just wanted to increase Oliver’s miserableness.

“So, what happened after you left?” Sara asked eventually, cocking her head. “John Diggle mentioned that you were looking for Oliver, and he sat you into a limousine to take you home.”

Taking in a deep breath as her memory still made her stomach clench, Felicity nodded her head. She wished she could buy time before she really told Sara what had happened, but maybe it was better to just tell her now. After that, they could change the subject and just go on. The longer she’d wait, the more the subject would hover over them like a dark cloud.

“I went to OJQ. He was there and-,“ Felicity tried to find the right words for the destruction he had caused, “took everything apart. Papers, designs, furniture.”

“Sounds a lot like Ollie.” Sara nodded her head. “Let’s just hope that he didn’t destroy the designs for the collection he is supposed to present in a couple of days because there have been months of work in that, and Moira is going to kill him.”

Felicity managed a weak smile, but she doubted that it reached her eyes. From the way she had seen Oliver, Felicity thought that it wasn’t impossible that he had destroyed the designs for his newest collection. He had been blind from rage.

“I guess Adrian’s words really hit him.”

Felicity nodded her head, feeling her throat growing shut. A thick lump was building there, almost making it hard to breathe.

“Did you two talk about what you want to do with that news now?” Sara asked and took another bite from her croissant. “I mean I get why you have been so angry with each other for the past three years now, but that anger was based on false information and Adrian’s intrigue. Maybe there is a way for you to-“

“We didn’t talk,” Felicity interrupted Sara, shaking her head, “because neither of us was feeling like it yesterday. Besides, I am not really sure that there is a lot to talk about either.”

Sara perked up an eyebrow doubtingly, and Felicity got it. Although Felicity hadn’t told her that she had had sex with Oliver twice since she had come back to Starling City, Sara had certainly caught up on the attraction that was still there between them. As many angry feelings as there had been between them, it must have been impossible to miss.

Attraction wasn’t enough to fix the break that had gone through the relationship they had had. Three years of bottling up angry feelings for each other was a lot to overcome. Even with all motives bursting like a bubble, it didn’t change that they had had those feelings inside of them for years. Felicity wasn’t sure that there was an easy way back from that.

Three years. It was just so incredibly long.

“I think you two have a lot to talk about,” Sara said quietly, “even if it’s just for the sake of getting a clean cut.”

A clean cut was the only thing she had hoped to get from her stay in Starling City when it came to Oliver and her. She had given up on getting this clean cut days ago already. Maybe this was her second chance at getting this clean cut after all.

Sara shook her head. “If I just think about how you could have still been together now if it wasn’t for Adrian and his lies, I could just-“

“We shouldn’t talk about this,” Felicity interrupted Sara and shook her head firmly, “because today is just not about that or about me. Today is all about you and Nyssa.”

Sara rolled her eyes. “Just because it’s my wedding day, I won’t just forget the basic rules of friendship. If one friend suffers, the other is morally obligated to have an open ear to listen.”

“Not on her wedding day,” Felicity insisted with another shake of her head, “but after today we can gladly meet again and catch up.”

“Nyssa and I are leaving for Thailand tomorrow morning.” Sara smiled. “We try to escape the trouble before Nyssa has to be on the runway for OJQ’s next fashion show.”

“So we meet and catch up after that.” Felicity shrugged her shoulders. “We will make it work.”

“Hopefully, because we haven’t spent enough time together since you moved to Gotham.”

“True.” Felicity nodded her head. “We will change that though. I promise.”

Sara smiled with satisfaction, and Felicity smiled back at her. She knew that she hadn’t invested enough time or courage into making sure she was seeing her friend regularly. She would change that now.

* * *

“Wow.” Felicity looked herself up and down in the mirror thoroughly. “You really worked miracles on me.”

Given how crappy she had looked about an hour ago, Felicity felt like that really wasn’t exaggerated. After the sleepless night that she had had, she really looked terrible. Her skin had been pale. Dark shadows had shown under her eyes. Everything about her had looked shiftless and exhausted.

After the one-hour-procedure she had been put through by the two hair and make-up stylists, she barely recognized herself in the mirror. She looked like she was a natural beauty despite all the layers of make-up on her face. With Oliver’s dress, the light updo of her hair and make-up that consisted of several layers and still looked so very natural, she really looked stunning.

“I really think that’s an underestimation,” the stylist said and shot Felicity a look back over her shoulder, “because we work magic on a daily basis. This was so much more than that.”

Felicity knew that she should probably be offended about this commentary, but she couldn’t help herself. She didn’t mind. The stylist was saying the truth anyway.

Turning away from the mirror, Felicity looked at Sara. She was still in the comfortable leather chair while two people were working on her hair and two others were making sure that her make-up was perfect. The same situation with half the people had stressed Felicity out minutes ago, but Sara was just leaning back with her eyes closed. She looked like she enjoyed it, but she was probably used to this and worse from the photoshoots she had done for OJQ.

“So, lovely bride,” Felicity said with a smile and stepped as close to Sara as the stylists allowed her to, “is there anything your maid of honor can do to fulfill her duty?”

“Actually, there is.”

Sara made a movement with her hand, and all stylists let go of her immediately. They distanced themselves, giving Sara and Felicity some room. When Sara turned her chair around, so she was facing her, Felicity took two steps closer to her, doing her best to ignore the pain in her ankle.

She would have to spend most of the evening on her chair, resting her foot after wearing high heels during the ceremony. Since the dress had been fit with high heels on, she didn’t have much a choice but wearing the planned pair of high heels. It made her foot hurt like hell, but it was better than risking stumbling over her feet and breaking her ankle once and for all.

“Could you please check on Nyssa for me?” Sara pushed her bottom lip forward and looked at Felicity pleadingly. “I am not worried that she has run off. I know she will be there, but I just need to hear from someone I trust that she is really doing fine.”

Felicity smiled and winked at Sara. “I will make sure she gets everything she needs to be all relaxed when she’s supposed to say yes.”

“Thank you, Felicity.”

Felicity only winked once more before she turned towards the door. By the time she had reached it, the stylists were back to turning Sara into the elegant bride she wanted to be. She looked utterly relaxed being made up like that.

Closing the door behind her, Felicity turned to the northern wing of the mansion which was where Nyssa was being styled for the wedding. Thea had organized everything to the second, making sure that both brides had the space they needed to get ready for the ceremony and they wouldn’t run into each other before they were supposed to.

When Felicity crossed the gallery upstairs, she saw all the hustle and bustle that was going on downstairs. People were hurrying around, putting the last pieces into place. The first guests had probably arrived already too. There were always some early birds who thought that it was best to come quite some time before the wedding. With the expansive champagne the Queens certainly offered, Felicity got it.

Felicity stepped into the hallway of the northern wing. She was focusing on walking evenly the way she should during the ceremony later. With her injured ankle, it wasn’t easy, but she was doing the best she could. The more she practiced now, the more hopeful she was that she would get this right later.

Turning into the hallway to her right, Felicity stopped as she saw Oliver tugging Thea into one of the rooms. She sucked her bottom lip between her front teeth and looked back over her shoulder. From her time with Oliver, she knew that there was another way to the guest room where Nyssa was being prepared for the wedding. She wasn’t sure if she would still find it though, and, even if she did, her foot would protest at it.

For a split second, Felicity considered going back and telling Sara that Nyssa was fine. After all the times that she had screwed up being the friend for Sara that she wanted to be, she felt that it would be utterly wrong to do so.

Straightening her shoulders, Felicity did her best to pass through the hallway as quickly as possible without listening to what was happening behind the door where Thea and Oliver had disappeared.

She had already walked past it when she heard her name being said. She faltered, wondering if she shouldn’t just continue her way to Nyssa’s room nonetheless. Her nosiness won at the end. As quietly as possible, she took some steps back. Since the door had been left ajar, she could push it a little more open without anyone noticing.

Oliver and Thea were standing in the middle of what looked like another living room, somewhere to read a good book or draw a new painting. While Thea was all dressed up and prepared for the wedding, Oliver had the bowtie wrapped around the collar of his shirt loosely. He wasn’t wearing the jacket of his smoking yet, and the shirt wasn’t stuffed under the waistband of his pants.

“What good is that going to do, Ollie?” Thea asked her brother in response to whatever he had said before. “Felicity and I are friends, and I told her that I didn’t want to be torn into any of this. I am not the one who had anything to make up to her either. It would just mean so much more if it’s coming for you. Besides, Felicity is the head of her own company. She can’t just stay here because a friend asks her to without any real reason. If someone she loves-“

“I have to earn back her love,” Oliver interrupted his sister, shaking his head, “but that just takes time. I can’t just do it in the next couple of hours that we have before she goes back to Hub City.”

Felicity felt her heart skip a beat or even two. There was a softness and a passion in Oliver’s voice that she hadn’t heard in a long time. That he wanted to earn back her love the right way, taking his time to do so, meant a lot to her. She might not know yet exactly how she felt about the fact that Oliver wanted to earn back her love in the first place, but she couldn’t deny that it meant something to her.

“I need more time.” Oliver put his hands to Thea’s shoulders and looked at her urgently. “The fashion show is coming up in two weeks. If you just ask Felicity to stay here for that show, maybe I will have a chance at making her fall back in love with me. But I really need your help.”

Thea grumbled, obviously not too pleased with the idea. Since Thea hadn’t wanted to be pulled into their fight a couple of days ago, Felicity was sure that she didn’t want to be part of any possible reunion now either. She was probably the happiest if everything turned out right without any kind of involvement.

As Oliver’s sister and her friend, she was caught between two stools. That was anything but easy, so Felicity got why she wanted to be kept out of it.

“Make her fall back in love with you?” Thea asked. “I am sure there isn’t much needed for that and-“

“There is a lot needed for that,” Oliver interrupted her yet again, shaking his head firmly, “because I want to do it the right way and that includes making good for all the things I have said and done these last couple of days. A cheap apology is not going to be enough.”

Although Oliver did his best to make Thea understand how much he really needed her help, she still hesitated. Even his puppy-like eyes that were looking at her pleadingly didn’t help. Thea was still uncertain.

“Felicity is one of the three leading ladies of her own company. I doubt that she can just stay away that long easily.”

“Maybe there is a way to make it work. With Lena Luthor and Lily Stein, she has the back-up to make take off a little longer. It’s at least worth a try, and it would be my best chance at trying to win her back before another couple of years have passed.”

“Why can’t you just ask her yourself?” Thea asked her. “It would be so much more honest than sending me to ask her.”

“Because she won’t stay if I ask her too,” Oliver said in a low voice, pain and quite some guilt sounding through every syllable, “she might stay if you asked her though. I am not too proud to ask you to do it.”

Felicity lowered her eyes to her feet, wondering if what Oliver had said was true. Was she really going to turn him down more easily than she would turn Thea down? Felicity wasn’t sure of that.

It didn’t really matter who would ask her though because a longer stay in Starling City wasn’t a possibility. Just like Thea had put it, she was one of three leading ladies of a company. Taking those few days off for the wedding had already been troublesome because the wedding had come at a really bad time. There were a thousand things for her to do in Hub City.

“I didn’t treat Felicity the way she would have deserved to be treated.”

“Because you thought she had sex with Adrian,” Thea reminded him, “I am sure that she understands. Besides, with the bombs Adrian dropped at the two of you, there are a lot of unanswered questions for the both of you. I’d say she wants to know the answers to them as much as you do. You should ask her.”

Oliver seemed to realize that maybe there was some truth in what Thea had said. He turned away with a frustrated grumble falling from his lips. He tore his hair, shaking his head again and again.

“I was terrible to her, Thea,” he said, his voice not lacking frustration either, “like really, really terrible. I don’t know why she would forgive me. I don’t know why she would even listen to me. What am I supposed to say? Just tell her I am sorry for not trusting her or her love for me enough to not think that she would screw Adrian the second she thought we were broken up? And then ask her in the same sentence if she could give me another chance?”

“Well, that would be a start.”

Only when both Oliver and Thea turned their heads towards her, Felicity realized that she had actually said those words out loud. Heat rose to her cheeks, and she was sure that a deep blush spread there too. Since hiding was no longer an option, she opened the door and stepped in.

Oliver’s gaze caught hers immediately, and she could see the deep desire in his eyes. He looked her up and down, taking in the way his dress looked on her body. The expression in his eyes was so intense that it made Felicity’s skin crawl and goosebumps spread all over her back.

Felicity wanted to look away, trying to escape the intensity of Oliver’s gaze. As much as she tried to, she just couldn’t do it. His gaze was captivating her.

“I guess I will just-“

Thea pointed her thumb towards the door. Felicity flashed her a quick smile, grateful that she understood that she and Oliver just needed a moment of their own. Now that the shock wasn’t as raw as it had been last night, maybe they finally got their chance of talking things out.

Once the door was closed behind Thea, Oliver approached Felicity. She couldn’t stop herself from tensing slightly, unsure what he was about to do. Oliver caught up on it immediately and stopped. He lifted his hands slightly, almost like he was trying to prove to her that he didn’t mean any harm to her.

“I am sorry for yesterday.” Oliver cleared his throat and pushed his hands into the pockets of his pants. “To begin with.”

Felicity shrugged her shoulders. She wished she could push her hands into the pockets of her dress too. She was sure there weren’t any though, so she just moved her hands over the fabric of the skirt nervously. To her surprise, she found that she was wrong though, and she dug her hands deep into the pockets of her dress.

Oliver really knew her, Felicity thought to herself. After all these years, he knew that she would feel better with some pockets. She liked to keep her phone, a tissue and maybe some other stuff close.

“I needed some time too,” Felicity replied, shrugging her shoulders, “I just didn’t know at that time I showed up at OJQ.”

Arriving at her hotel, she had felt terrible. She had stripped herself off he clothes and crawled into bed. With the blanket pulled over her head, she had tried to find some sleep, but of course it hadn’t been that easy. She doubted that she had even just dozed off for a single second.

“Yesterday was quite heavy.”

“Underestimation of the year.”

Felicity mumbled the words in a singsong and rolled her eyes slightly. It made the smallest of a smile spread on Oliver’s lips. As soon as it had spread, as quickly is faded from his face again.

“I have been pretty out of myself which made me blind for the way you were feeling, so I have to ask now,” Oliver said, “how are you doing with all of this?”

Sucking in a deep breath, Felicity felt tears welling in her eyes. Those were tears of sadness and anger at the same time. Just thinking about everything Adrian had done to her by trying to hurt Oliver angered her, and it hurt so damn much. She didn’t even want to consider what it would be like once she really let in the thought that she had trusted Adrian all these years. It would make her feel stupid and naïve which wasn’t attributes that she would usually use to describe herself.

“Not good,” she admitted, shrugging her shoulders in a gesture of helplessness, “I mean Adrian and I have been friends for the last few years. At least I thought that we have been friends. Obviously, he had something else in mind, but I really trusted him. I liked him.”

Oliver nodded his head. Putting his hands to his hips, he lowered his eyes. He almost looked like he was feeling guilty.

“This is my fault.” He really was feeling guilty. “And I am very sorry, Felicity. If it hadn’t been for me and my actions, Adrian would have never tried faking to be your friend. I was careless before I have gotten together with you and knew that you were everything I wanted. If it hadn’t been for me, Adrian wouldn’t have pretended to be your friend when he was really the one who chased you away from Staling three years ago. He also wouldn’t have gotten in our way if it hadn’t been for what I did. I mean-“

Felicity shook her head, and it was enough to interrupt Oliver. He fell silent instantly, looking at her with so much urgency like her words were the only ones that could possibly take away the guilt he was feeling.

“What happened wasn’t your fault. It was neither not my fault.” Felicity shook her head lightly. “It was all Adrian.”

Maybe they could have prevented the measures all of this had taken if they had reacted differently to what Adrian had done. That didn’t make any of this their fault though. At the end, Adrian’s actions might have driven them apart the way they had done one way or the other.

Oliver was still looking at her intensely. He looked like he was trying to figure out if she was serious or just saying this to comfort him. As hard as it was to keep her eyes on him, Felicity forced herself to keep looking at him. She wanted him to know that she was honestly thinking that it wasn’t either of their fault.

“Felicity, I-“

Before Oliver could say whatever he wanted to say, the door opened. They both turned around, seeing Moira entering the room in a beautiful rosé-gold dress.

“Here you are,” she said with a smile despite the strict expression in her eyes, “you gotta hurry. The first guests already arrived and both brides were just put into their wedding dresses.”

Felicity shot Oliver a brief glance. She could see that he wasn’t happy about the interruption. His thumb was moving against his other fingertips nervously.

Biting down on her bottom lip, Felicity turned her head away. She would have liked to hear what Oliver wanted to say too, but she was actually kind of relieved that she didn’t hear it yet. If it was anything close to what he had asked Thea to ask her, she wouldn’t have known what to answer to it.

“I will go check on Nyssa,” she said eventually, clearing her throat, “I promise Sara I would do so.”

Moira nodded her head with a smile. “I will send someone to tell you when it’s safe to leave the room, so Nyssa and Sara won’t meet each other before they are supposed to.”

“Alright.”

Felicity shot another brief look back over her shoulder to find Oliver’s eyes still on her. She flashed him a half-hearted smile and headed towards the door. Her heart felt heavy and her head was spinning.

Everything about this situation just continued to suck.

* * *

With a low sigh, Felicity put her glass of champagne and sank down on her chair. She felt like she had been standing or rushing around forever. She doubted that she had sat down since she had gotten up after dinner. Even the ankle she hadn’t sprained seemed to hurt now.

Felicity took a quick look around to make sure nobody was watching her. She hurried to slip out of her shoe and elevated her injured foot to the empty chair next to her. With another sigh of exhaustion, she leaned back in the chair and allowed herself to relax for a moment.

Her gaze fell onto the newly-weds. Sara and Nyssa were the only couple dancing on the dance floor. They had their arms wrapped around each other tightly. Their foreheads were resting together. Their eyes were closed. They both looked utterly content and happy, like they were exactly where they were supposed to be and where they wanted to be.

Their content easily infected Felicity. She felt it spread inside of her chest like a wave of warmth. It made her feel all fuzzy and good.

This day had certainly been everything Sara and Nyssa had hoped for, probably even more. After all these years, they were finally wife and wife. The joy of being married suited them both. It made them look so incredibly happy, and with the way their wedding bands sparkled in the light of the canopy, they would surely get some perfectly romantic photos of this moment too.

Looking at Sara and Nyssa, Felicity realized how far, far away something like this was for herself. There had been a time that she had really wanted all those gestures of romance and love, too. She had thought that they had been quite in reach for her, just there to grab and never let go. Through the last few years, she had completely lost sight of it though, and she wasn’t sure if she was even remotely the same kind of girl that had wished for something like that for herself.

With Helix Dynamics, Felicity was very busy. There wasn’t much time for a relationship which had been one of the many reasons why she and Ray had decided to break up. They had both been so very busy with their jobs that there hadn’t been enough time to be a couple. It wouldn’t have worked, and Felicity didn’t see it working with anyone else currently either.

She had no idea how Lily did it and how she would continue to do it with a baby. Since it was Lily, Felicity was sure that she would make it work though.

“Hey.”

Flinching slightly at how close the voice was, Felicity turned her head quickly. She had been so deep in thought that she hadn’t noticed that Oliver had approached her. He was standing right next to her, his hands pushed into the pockets of his pants and his shoulders hunched. Although she couldn’t see it, she was sure that his thumb and fingertips were rubbing together.

“Hi.”

Felicity’s voice was quiet, and she did her best to hide her insecurity behind a smile. She had known that Oliver would approach her to restart the conversation they had needed to interrupt for the wedding earlier today. She had feared and simmered for this moment with same measures.

From everything Felicity had heard of the conversation between Oliver and Thea, she knew that Oliver wanted to ask her to stay. She still didn’t know how to react to that though. She knew that she couldn’t stay, even if she wanted to. She just didn’t know if she wanted to, which meant that she didn’t know what exactly to tell Oliver if he asked her to stay.

Clearing his throat, Oliver pulled his hand from the pocket of his pants and held it out for her. Felicity looked at it like she had never seen a hand before, staring at it for a long moment, before she lifted her gaze to Oliver’s face.

“Would you like to dance?”

Felicity perked up an eyebrow, causing Oliver to press his lips together. As much as she tried to hide it, she knew that she failed to not let him see the amused grin that she was doing her best to bite back.

“Really?” she asked him, cocking her head. “You don’t dance, and you can’t dance.”

“I can dance,” Oliver insisted, “as long as dancing means swaying from side to side a little while music is playing. I am just doing it rarely because… well… women insist that I step on their feet all the time.”

“Oh, they insist, yes?”

“Yeah, I have no idea why.”

Oliver chuckled nervously. Since she didn’t take his hand, he moved it through his short hair and stuffed it back into the pocket of his pants.

“Please,” he asked, “just one dance?”

Back when they had been together, Felicity had needed to plead with Oliver for him to agree to one single dance. If possible, he had tried to get his way out of it. He really hadn’t wanted to dance with her, no matter how much she would have liked it.

Since Felicity still hesitated, Oliver whispered, “Sometimes, we all have to bite the bullet.”

Felicity wasn’t sure if he was talking about her or about himself. It didn’t really matter though as Felicity realized that he was right. They had all to bite the bullet sometimes. Oliver did so by asking her to dance, and she would do so by agreeing to it.

“Okay,” she whispered, nodding her head, “one dance.”

Oliver beamed with happiness, holding his hand out for her once more. Felicity rested her much smaller hand in his and let him help her up. Hand in hand, they walked towards the dancefloor where some other couples had joined Sara and Nyssa by now too.

“How is your foot?” Oliver asked when he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her tightly against him. “Any better?”

Felicity shrugged her shoulders. “Not really, but it is how it is.”

“Maybe you should go and see a doctor.”

Again, Felicity shrugged her shoulders. She wouldn’t be able to say anything even if she wanted to. A thick lump had formed in her throat when Oliver hand rested their linked fingers on top of his heart. She could feel his heartbeat beneath the palm of her hand, and it made her own heartbeat quickens.

“I don’t think a doctor can do more than telling me to elevate my foot and cool my ankle.” Felicity shrugged her shoulders as they started swaying more or less in time with the music. “If it won’t be better in a couple of days, I will go and see a doctor.”

“Dr. Schwartz here in Starling General is really good,” Oliver said lightly. “A few years ago, I had trouble with my knee again, and she took care of it.”

Felicity nodded her head slowly. She knew that Oliver had had trouble with his knee a couple of years ago when they had still been together. He had seen almost half a dozen doctors, but nobody had been able to tell him where the pain had come from.

Now, Oliver’s suggestion was a lot more than a medical suggestion. he hadn’t asked her directly, but his suggestion did sound a lot like he wanted her to stay in Starling for longer.

Oliver seemed to catch up on her insecurity. His arm tightened around her like he was scared she would leave already. His hand pressed her even closer to his chest, so she could feel his heartbeat even more. It had quickened with her hesitation to respond since Oliver had probably realized that it wouldn’t be as easy as he had thought or hoped it would be.

“I am sorry for the way I treated you lately.”

Felicity nodded her head, but it soon turned into a shake of her head. She frowned slightly and dug her fingers into his shoulder.

“You thought I cheated on you.”

“Well, it wouldn’t have been cheating.” Oliver looked at her intensely. “After the way I left you that day, I figured that it might have looked to you like I was breaking up with you. I wasn’t which I would like to point out for the record, but I understand why it might have looked that way to you. That way, it wouldn’t have been cheating, but-“

Oliver squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. The entire situation was way too confusing to talk about it easily even now. The different point of views they had on this were making it hard to talk it out. Maybe they should, but the wedding reception really wasn’t the right place to do so.

“I wasn’t exactly nice to you either.”

“I was worse.”

Felicity bit down on her tongue. She wouldn’t fight him on that. She tried to pull herself together. She wanted to believe that he had tried to do the same. Obviously, his level of patience had always been quite beneath hers.

“I was wondering,” Oliver said slowly and took in a deep breath, “if you might want to stay here in Starling for a little longer, so we could talk it all out. We didn’t really have a chance to do so since Adrian dropped this bomb on us last night. Maybe we could sit down and, I don’t know, talk about what happened back then and what happened since you returned to Starling and what might or could happen in the future.”

Oliver’s voice had grown more and more quiet as he continued to speak. That and the way his heart stumbled in his chest, beating incredibly irregularly, told Felicity how nervous this made him. Oliver barely ever let anyone see how he was feeling, especially when he thought that his feelings were making him weak. That he let her see and feel how he was truly feeling right now was a big step for him.

He was still looking at her intensely. His gaze seemed to crawl under her skin and try to figure out what she was thinking and feeling at his question.

As much as Felicity tried to hold his gaze, she couldn’t do it. She lowered her head, looking at their bodies that were pressed together as they continued to sway in time with the music.

She had wondered if she would want to stay if Oliver asked her to. Now she knew that at least a part of her wanted to. As hesitant as she was about it because she wasn’t sure that it would lead them anywhere, she could feel that, deep inside of her, she wanted to stay and figure out what it meant for them.

Since she had come back to Starling, she had wondered if there was still something between her and Oliver. With what she had believed was their history, even the phenomenal sex hadn’t seemed to be enough to change that they were utterly done. Now that their history wasn’t what it had always seemed to be, maybe things had changed. Maybe they hadn’t though.

Fact was, Felicity just didn’t know.

“I can’t stay,” she whispered eventually, lifting her gaze to Oliver’s again, “I need to go back to Hub City. I am needed at Helix Dynamics.”

It didn’t matter if Felicity wanted to explore whatever opportunities there still were for her and Oliver. She knew that Helix Dynamics should be and had to be her priority. For the past years, it had been the one thing to offer stability to her. It had been everything she needed to recover from her broken heart. Now that the company needed her, she wouldn’t turn her back on it. She wouldn’t refuse to put it first.

“What good would it do for me to stay anyway?” Felicity added, her voice betraying her. It made obvious that she wasn’t sure about what she was saying. “So much time has passed since all of that happened. I don’t know about you, but I can certainly say that I have changed. I don’t know if I am anything like the woman I used to be before. I doubt it actually. You have probably changed too.”

If Felicity was asked about how she had changed in the past three years, maybe she wouldn’t be able to answer. She couldn’t describe all the ways she has changed since she had left Starling City, but she knew that she was very different from the woman who had left the city with a broken heart. It was feeling deep inside of her that told her that she had changed a lot through the years.

That she and Oliver had had sex twice since she has returned showed that they were still physically attracted to each other. It didn’t mean that the bond they had once had was revivable though. When people changed, maybe they were still physically attracted to each other, but that wasn’t nearly enough to fall in love again or to make a relationship work.

“Besides,” Felicity said, clearing her throat against the thick lump in her throat that made her sound so hoarse, “you are busy with your fashion show too and-“

“What if I visit you in Hub City?” Oliver interrupted her. “That way you wouldn’t stay away from Helix Dynamics for too long, and we could still see each other. We could see each other, maybe go out on a date, you know, like the old-fashioned dinner in a nice, Italian restaurant.”

Felicity frowned. She knew exactly what kind of stress there was going on before a fashion show. Presenting a new collection was always exciting for Oliver and there was a lot that depended on the success of the fashion show. It needed to create buzz in the media because that kind of promotion was exactly what was needed to keep a fashion label alive.

If Sara’s suspicion was true and Oliver had indeed torn apart some designs for his fashion show, he had a lot of work ahead of him. Even if the designs were still intact, he certainly had a lot to do. A designer's way from Oliver’s head to the catwalk was quite long and those were just a tiny part of what Oliver’s work consisted of.

“What about the fashion show?” Felicity asked, frowning. “You must have your hands full with work.”

“I do,” Oliver admitted, shrugging his shoulders, “but nothing is more important than this. Nothing's more important than you.”

The deep tone of his voice, saying these kinds of things every woman dreamed to hear at least once in her lifetime, made it even harder to breathe. Given how dedicated Oliver was to his word, Felicity knew that it meant even more. Oliver didn’t offer this lightly, and he certainly wouldn’t offer this to everybody.

Still, there was a little voice in Felicity’s head that warned her not to do it. These past days here in Starling had been like a rollercoaster and not even the good kind of roller coaster. She felt like she had been left with whiplash. If she continued, she might lose her head and her heart completely. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to do so.

“Oliver, I-“

Felicity felt the words getting stuck in her throat. She wanted to get them out, but something inside of her was fighting against it. Something inside of her didn’t want to tell him that she didn’t think this was a good idea. Something wanted him to come to Hub City, so they could talk it all out and figure out what was going on between them without the weight of their past pressuring them from all sides.

Holding her breath, Felicity looked right into Oliver’s eyes. The expression in his eyes was pleading. He would respect her if she turned him down now. He wouldn’t suddenly turn up at her doorstep and ambush her because he knew that she would make the kind of decision that was best for her.

“Okay, fine.”

Felicity was almost surprised that she actually agreed to it, but she felt the thick knot that had built in her stomach loosening. Maybe the decision hadn’t been all bad.

Oliver couldn’t hide his smile. He was more than relieved that she had agreed. She could see it in his face. He was beaming with joy, almost like he was concurring with Sara and Nyssa.

The thought touched and scared Felicity at the same time. She lowered her eyes for a moment and rested her head against Oliver’s shoulder then. His hand moved from the small of her back up to her neck and finally the back of her head. His warm palm cupped her head, his fingers brushing through her neatly done hair. Felicity didn’t mind. She felt somewhat safe and good there which was confusing once more.

With a sigh, Felicity closed her eyes. In a couple of hours, she was back home in Hub City. She would take a lot of impressions with her from Starling City, but she knew that her home, her company and her friends in Hub City would help her to get back a little bit of the stability she had missed here in Starling City.

No matter what had happened or would happen between her and Oliver, Hub City was her home, and she couldn’t wait to get back to it.

* * *

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