#i guess its a little bittersweet in that regard

[entering--hyperspace]

Sjiwjwiwqnjawn it feels silly to start writing about an 8 year old oc again, in a way. But it also feels like i missed out on a lot bc i was younger at the time...its hard to describe. Idk, my brain wasnt fully developed i couldn't cook oc lore as hard as I can now, i didnt have the skill i wanted to show my ideas like I do (kinda) now. Idk i feel like im in a weird place where it feels too late to really make my mark and share stuff about him while knowing ive been yapping a lot about him as i go through the story and flesh out parts of him i either forgot or felt too cringe to actually.

[scathstudios]

There's Something Beautiful About The Game Hades

Well, year 2 is starting and I feel like I have to get this off my mind before the new year is here or it’s going to rot in my brain and possibly distract me from my plans regarding studies. Anyway, I’ve been playing Hades as a way to relieve stress ever since the game was gifted to me during the summer break and it’s been fun. Incredibly fun. 

There’s so much to love in this game, the character designs, dialogues and story; its plot and themes are really beautiful too. From the main quest of Zagreus (Zag) finding his mother to the other smaller storylines like getting Hypnos an autograph- it was something. Truth be told, I am at a loss of words, trying to pen this down, but I’ll try. 

I remember crying when I first beat Hades and finally got to venture out onto the surface in search of Persphone. I believe it was around my 60th run and it was close to 2 AM. Just me, alone in the study, in the dead of night and Hades had just fallen. I remember my hands shaking, fingers actually feeling numb, cold and a little achy from all the keyboard smashing. But I had finally made it and all that was left was to walk out the gates. 

And I did. I shakily brought Zagreus out to Greece, slowly making his way to the new environment. The sunrise was breathtaking. At that point all I could think of was “So I guess this is what it is; Sublime.” Look out, feeling small and the unknown. (Suddenly the Contextual and Theoretical Studies in Art were making so much sense, eyeing my two friends who will suffer with me next year.) 

Tears were starting to form haha. It got worse(?) when I finally got Zag to the clearing. Meeting Persphone for the first time, the mother who we, Zag really, were searching for since the first run was so emotional. The voice acting and the dialogue really got me here. Zag sounded so lost and small, at that point he wasn’t a God, just a lost son looking for some much needed answers. And Persphone’s shock, followed by anger, trying to kick her own son out- AAA I started crying. It was so sweet when they finally got to an understanding and bonded. Bittersweet when the inevitable happens and the Styx claims Zag, forcing him and Persphone to part. I remember Zag returning to the house and feeling the same anger at Hades and then determination to bust my way out again to see Persphone. 

I’m glad I played this game, and I’m happy to have completed it too.  It was very much a story about not giving up and picking yourself up when you fail. The characters were sweet and endearing with the exception of Zeus and Poseidon, but even they were still fun to laugh at. Hypnos grew on me, even Theseus’ loud talking was laughable in the end hahaha. 

I suppose this game really spoke to me in some way I haven’t really experienced before and it was a well crafted retelling of Greek Myth that was pretty well researched and carefully constructed in such a way it didn’t villainize characters over another. (cough the whole Demeter and Hades plot for example cough - Haven’t been a big fan of their modern retellings for a while now in general.) 

Fun.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[jmdbjk]

The gut punch.

Hobi’s eyes in this Weverse live... them knowing that we don’t know all the things... how do they keep it all together? This inevitable situation they must grapple with and work through and come out the other side. Hobi visited with his family recently. We thought something might be up but then a little time passed and we continued to skip along merrily, unaware... and now here we are. 

I am so glad Jimin visited Hobi during his bday live... it’s always so bittersweet when we can look back at things and say “they knew it then and they had to act like everything was ok.”

Time has a weird way of simultaneously accelerating and grinding to a halt depending on what we are applying it to. As a year, 2023 is moving right along...it’s already almost March! Grass is growing! Sun is shining! Mosquitos are back! 

Seems like we were just watching Hobi at New Year’s Rockin’ Eve trying not to slip on that cold, rainy stage. Seems like we were just frantic to know where is Jimin!? And WHEN was Jimin’s album coming?? We knew it had to be soon... and then the release date dropped and now Jimin is all over the place. And we still have photo folios coming at us. And the Suga/Agust D tour coming... and now Hobi’s On the Street! and the ball is rolling faster and faster. Time is spinning, spinning faster... 

And then we think about Jin. The Astronaut was released 4 months ago. Jinnie has been gone just a little over 2 months, yet it seems like he’s been gone for months upon months. Time slows down so much when I think about how long its been since we’ve seen Jin in real time. 

I thought after these few months of Jin being gone, the next announcement wouldn’t hurt so bad but this really hurts. It was like a gut punch. 

Y’all... I’m not sure how I will handle it when we get the “Hello, this is BigHit Music” for Jimin’s enlistment announcement. I never in a million years would have guessed “who is that blonde cutie” would turn into needing to take a week off work to cope with him enlisting in the military. Please, make it make sense.

I keep thinking about Jimin trying to keep us and himself grounded by saying things like “we’re not celebrities (who enjoy red carpet events)” and “I am just a goofy friend in sweatpants who loves soju.” At his essence, yes, that’s who he is. Unfortunately, we don’t have the privilege of seeing any hints of his real life because the hatefulness that exists in the world has taken that away from us.

But Jimin reminds us from time to time that he is just a regular guy who enjoys simple pleasures.

What he does show us is Jimin of BTS. The idols’ idol. He is always wanting to show us his good side. He wants to always be “pretty” for us. He works hard at his job and he does it very well. Like...he’s the best there is in the industry.

We know he’s working himself into the ground with his solo work. When it is his time to enlist, he will leave knowing he’s put his heart and soul, blood, sweat and tears into it. I went back and re-read his Weverse article from June of last year. He said back then that he did not want to spend this next year being half-assed with what he was doing. He was going to do it “properly.” 

We’ve heard several of the members state how hard Jimin’s been working. We’ve heard it from the mouths of people who have worked with him as well. His solo work will be just as amazing as he is.

There is a gap in Jimin’s album promo map... to allow for Yoongi’s concert ticket sales and for Hobi’s On the Street release. We get confused regarding the timing of all of their activities. There are lots of moving parts we don’t know about. And solos and mantis screaming unrealistically about unfairness and mistreatment add to the confusion, regardless of how it’s all carefully planned out as best as possible and regardless how many times the members each implore us to trust them. More than ever, it is imperative to ignore the haters and the people trying to misdirect our attention.

We do not know the reasons for, or the how or the why each member decides when they will go ahead and enlist. That is a very personal and private thing for them. They make the decision according to what is best for themselves. We are not entitled to know their reasons for that decision. There are a lot of things they consider and they plan everything the best they can with every other member’s plans for enlistment and solo work because they respect each other. Also, the company can see the big picture as to how to give everything the best chance for the best outcome. Is it all perfect? No. Humans are involved. They simply asked us to trust them.

The exact timing of enlistment maybe hasn't been set in stone for each of them since last year but they are weighing and considering all the moving parts and they pretty much know, if not the day they will set it in motion, at least the very small window when they will. I think all of the releases and timings of it all have been planned as best as possible regarding all this and the solos and mantis can scream mistreatment and unfairness all they want but this is real fucking life. Wheels within wheels are constantly turning... yes. They asked us to trust them.

I think we should be grateful for everything they’ve done and the sacrifices they’ve made because truthfully, they owe none of that to us with the way parts of this fandom move. 

Do you believe they are strong individuals? Do you feel they are reliable? Have they ever let us down? They asked us for our trust and our blessing. 

Let’s give it to them unconditionally.

We’ve seen hints of Joonie working...will it be a parting gift too?

And these Weverse conversations they have amongst each other will eventually turn into their group conversations and we will collectively lose our minds when they happen. Time rolls on without regard to our feelings. 

[hannahwatcheshorror]

TALK TO ME (2022)

😿 Kangaroo left for dead

Teenagers playing dumb games and winning dumb prizes, ghost edition. This movie is like a fresh take on Ouija (without the Ouija). A fascinating and spooky concept played out in an addictingly believable way. Worth the watch.

(Trigger Warning Self Harm, Suicide)

⭐⭐⭐⭐

This movie has such an interesting, crickley, crackly, creaky hook because growing up we (or at least my generation) played with Ouija boards like it was Candyland with absolutely no regard for how serious the content was. In fact, most of the time, playing Ouija was accompanied with a “true story” about someone who died by playing the game “wrong” but my friends and I would still play and barely glance at the rules or anything like that. So I am totally sold on the concept of this hand being a parlor trick and a party game because kids are dumb and we were all kids once (and we are all dumb at least once, some people twice even!).

The premise is, you hold the ceramic hand (there may be a mummified hand inside, spooky!) and ask the spirits to talk to you, then when one appears before you, you casually invite them inside your body. But don’t let it happen for over 90 seconds. Also you need to be strapped to a chair when it happens, but everything is totally fine. Our main girl, Mia, is game to try right away. At first I thought she wanted to try it to talk to her dead mom but she is just a wild woman who is game to trip a little without drugs I guess? Anyway she goes over 90 seconds (whoops) so now things aren’t going so great for her…

BUT that doesn’t mean the fun has to end, right? Because everyone still wants to get hand jobs. (Wait. I mean.) They want to talk to the hand. (That’s better.) So they all go to Mia’s friend Jade’s house and do more hand stuff. (Hannah, stop.) ANYWAY it is all fun and games until Riley, Jade’s 14 year old brother wants a turn and he is just too young, but Mia says fuck it and lets him try. Riley supposedly contacts Mia’s mom so Mia won’t let him break contact so he stays connected for two minutes apparently? And he starts to self harm, he is slamming his head into the table, it is wild, he tries to rip out his own eye. Jade comes back just in time ‘cause Mia is stuck still after hearing from her (maybe) mom.

Riley is hospitalized and that whole family is mad at Mia, (yeah) while Mia is trying to deal with how she sees all these creepy things going on (like her mom scratching at all kinds of surfaces) and Mia even sucks on some toes(?) because what is scarier than a foot fetish? The teens finally become wary of the hand but aren’t sure what to do and don’t realize how far Mia is descending into madness. Mia thinks her mom is telling her what to do so she stabs her father after a BLACK SWAN type hallucination where she thought she was fighting him off but he wasn’t even there at first.

Then she goes to the hospital because she thinks the only way to save Riley from eternal suffering is to murder him. Jade once again comes in clutch, finding Mia’s dad and getting to Riley just in time but not Mia, who very possibly sacrificed herself at the last second, before the insanity fully took over, and threw herself into traffic instead of the young lad. Mia is in darkness but she walks towards a light and an outstretched hand, a man sits at a table and says to her, “Talk To Me.”

My biggest issue with this film and its resolution is that they only randomly said that Riley seemed to be getting better but he also broke the rules like Mia and stayed under spirit control for longer than 90 seconds so I don’t know that he is actually okay or safe. That seemed a little too throw away and I worry about that sweet boy who cared so much for his friends suffering eternally for no good reason. Otherwise this was a compelling film with a bittersweet ending.

[castlebyersafterdark]

ugh youre such a dream thank you for such detailed answers! its so appreciated and i feel as fresh as coming into the fandom all hopeful in summer 2022, up for discussing!

re this: '[wills'] sexuality is less explored in regard to the most baseline aspects of being gay. Is it infantilizing because he's our cute sweet little victim? Is it because he has yet to actually pursue his love interest in the narrative? I'm still working on pondering this myself!! Because it isn't at all how I viewed his situation or character.'

would LOVE to hear more thoughts on this, because i too have not figured it out. tbh, the whole party growing up was a hard pill to swallow at first cos its bittersweet, but it never made me deny will's character a coming of age arc or sexuality arc. i was like - welp, its happening, whether im sad or not that theyre no longer babies. infantilisation makes sense though - i even had non-fan friends who watch the show assume that will was a few grades below the other boys, and much younger.

perhaps for many, they can't accept his growing up because it's reflective of change in general, of the show coming to an end, changing? this is narrative the show itself explores, though - beautifully, i might add.

but i would love to know what your original thoughts on will's character and this storyline prior to all this spicy policing were! how did you view his growing up? was a sexuality storyline inevitable for you?

One thing I never fully understood is the general unease or being uncomfortable thinking about members of the party "growing up" and now viewing them in a different light, meaning getting involved in genuine teenage experiences like sex etc etc et al. I guess I just do find that frustrating sometimes when my view is: everyone grows up, we're there. Hit with: "but we saw them as kids! We watched them grow up! It's weird!" But WHY? I want people to explain why. Stupid analogy, but I think of how dumb it would be if my bf saw some home movie of me as a little kid and turned to me to say "well, unfortunately I can't fuck you anymore. Turns out, you were at one point - a child!" 😂 it sounds like that to me though!!!

Yeah we can still see our cute little babies s1 but we can also watch s5 and appreciate the journey, the coming of age. That's what's gonna make stranger things such a cool show, watching the actual journey from childhood to after (didnt Linklater film Boyhood over a decade to capture growing up in real time? Cool idea, never saw it). It's like any child star in the Hollywood industry. Miley was on Disney but then she started her adult career and were people initially odd about it having a pretty sexual angle? Yeah. Then everyone had to get over it. I acknowledge and understand the adjustment period, but it's frustrating in fandom for these boys that at large it's such a hang up. And, they're fictional. I know the irl actors portraying them plays into all this but... still.

(Then we got the M'leave-hers out here wanting Mike and El to get married and start having babies in s5 while we can't even talk about byler having a heated makeout or joke about Mike checking out Will's ass without pitchforks thrown our way. Booo)

As for what I thought for the shows trajectory, I did always hope we'd get an exploration of Will's sexuality as time went on. I really thought that was built into his character from the beginning (and it was and I was right) like it's one of the first things we learn about this little boy, with what Lonnie thought of him ☹️. I always wanted to see what they actually did with that and now it'll be a really, really incredible payoff if he does Get the Boy. I wasn't even really thinking too hard about byler back then but I can't even describe how heartbreaking that little moment when he tells Joyce "I'm not gonna fall in love" is in context, just... it always gets to me. S4 was a game changer and seeing what they were doing with Will and Mike? Hooked me. Decided to actually look into the fandom as something I wanted to engage w beyond just TV and the occasional pretty gifset or funny interview clip I came across on my dash or theories on reddit - shock and awe when eventually I saw how the vocal asshole fans acted. Debates and witch hunts over how far just a kissing scene can go? Sad.

Byler is great, byler is cute and palatable until you acknowledge that gay teenagers feel desire and maybe have sex, woah! People were even weird about aged up fic and art and everything! Still stumped to an extent about it. Our canon gay character (two, actually, just yet to be hmmm canonized lol) gets the sanitized treatment while Steve and Eddie and all their fanon post 7000 E rated fics w little complaint. (Finding out that was actually as popular as it is really shocked me?) I'd celebrate that and care about them more if the differences weren't so annoying. Just because of the age thing. Oh, get over it. Wish I'd taken a stand from the beginning and just did what I wanted without feeling awkward and going with the status quo. Lame. But maybe this is better, so much nicer having complete openness and a relative fresh start.

[chuuwtoy]

Hi, I would like to know what do you think about Wesker having a undeveloped picture of Rebecca in his desk. Many people say it's only a non canon easter egg and he never showed any interest in her but some people say it's there to show that he's a creep

hello! ≽^•⩊•^≼

just a bit of backstory on the rising rookie.

the easter egg was first introduced in Resident Evil 2 (1998), you had to check the desk 50 times before you'd receive an undeveloped film roll of a very cheeky-looking rebecca.

this debate on whether it's canon or not / why it's there in the first place has recently come to life after the release of Resident Evil 2 Remake (2019). here's what you had to do (this is taken from a gamerant article):

To grab the picture of Rebecca, players will need to find the game's hiding place film, which can only be picked up once they've reached the sewers. After picking up the T-Bar Valve Handle and riding the Workroom Lift, the film roll can be found on a table in the upstairs room. Once that roll is brought back to the R.P.D. and developed, it will reveal two photos of different hiding places in the Raccoon City Police department, including a shot of Wesker's desk. With the photos developed, the player should head to the S.T.A.R.S. office and take an immediate left into the private room. In the left-hand side of the desk, a drawer can be opened that will provide the player with a wooden box, which is part of the hiding place quest. However, players with keen eyes will notice that there's still a roll of film visible in the desk drawer when picking up the box.

is it canon? well, i'm not quite sure as it was never explicitly stated to be canon by the developers, not in any JP interviews or Q&A either. although, we do joke around that some devs ship it, especially with Resident Evil 0, and only Resident Evil 0, getting its own Wesker mode 7 years after its release 笑笑笑笑笑.

is wesker a creep? well, yes. have you seen the crimes he's committed? but i think you meant in the "is he a sexual deviant?" sense. possibly, possibly not? nothing's ever been confirmed in that regard so that part is up to you to decide or headcanon. wesker never did show much interest in rebecca, it's quite sad that she survived the train incident and instead of acknowledging her a bit he just shot her!

seeing as capcom is a little reluctant to create new romantic relationships in the world of resident evil, i doubt that photo will have much significance. the film is undeveloped, so it's not like if whoever took it knew what exactly was on it.

when i first saw the easter egg my immediate thought was, "oh, was it enrico who put it there?" he is her captain, saw her more often as well, and the office (or deskspace, depending on which version you're talking about) was also shared with him. but because enrico is a minor / forgotten character no one thought of him first ૮₍ •⤙•˶ !

did you know that Resident Evil Vendetta had its own novel too? but that wasn't very popular since it didn't get it's own english release. there's a funny paragraph that sticks out:

"Work like this makes her feel nostalgic and full of emotions she can’t quite describe. She opens her desk drawer and pulls out the few photos she keeps in there. The first one she lingers on is a group shot of Bravo team from her S.T.A.R.S. days. It’s a commemorative photo of the full team, kitted out in uniforms, lined up in rows in front of the helicopter. The other is a more casual shot of Wesker himself taken during training. Chris, Jill, and Rebecca are in the background laughing about something. Rebecca looks at it and smiles a bittersweet smile."

cute! but it's a little conflicting since during the events of Resident Evil, Rebecca doesn't even know who Chris is haha! I guess this is why they say the movies and novels aren't canon?

i hope this answered your question! it's not really canon until capcom says/implies something about it, thank you and feel free to send more asks. 🎀

[atsushishelteredinmoonlitjasmine]

(Taken from Twitter with some minor formatting changes)

Finally had some time to sit down and write this because my mind's been a bit frazzled the past couple days and I wanted to wait for more info to come out before talking about it so...

R/W/B/Y is coming back via Viz Media.

Admittedly, I was annoyed when I first saw the news. I've not hidden my dislike, if I'm being nice about it, of R/W/B/Y's current state for the past couple years and I was someone who regarded RT's closure as bittersweet. Bitter for the employees who I hope were able to find jobs that would treat them better than RT did and sweet for the bigots and assholes whose source of income came from the (alleged) abuse of said employees and the (subjective) scamming of their fans. While I understood the sadness of R/W/B/Y's fans for the show's uncertain future, I believed and still do think it should've ended where it did. If anything, let the fans write their own ending because, as I've said previously, they have more passion, love, and care for the series than the actual writers do.

However, much like a cockroach, R/W/B/Y is back from the dead, for better or worse. So, what do I think of this development?

Well, I have hope. Sure, it's minuscule and may burn out the moment I see something that spells trouble but it's there! I have hope that maybe, just maybe, R/W/B/Y will improve and possibly be okay in terms of quality. I'm not expecting it to suddenly become good because there's A LOT for the writers, whether they be returning or completely new, to salvage from V9's disaster of a plot. It's precisely for how awful V9 was that I'm keeping my expectations realistic.

The reason for my earlier point is this: either we get new writers or R/W/B/Y won't be plagued with yes-men. Of course, these two things bring caveats. New writers means R/W/B/Y's story will be seen with fresh eyes and creative imaginations but stans will revolt against them for not being MKEK or the new writers will make a change to the story they won't like, thus the accusations and misattribution of bigoted labels being hurled around with little to no care. On the flip side, C\R/W/B/Y not surrounding themselves with yes-men might actually force them to "get good" as the elders say (that's a joke, I know 27 is not old). Maybe the writers will finally have to think on how plots are constructed, what scenes can be left out and kept in, etc., and realize editing and revising your story is a good thing! I might be placing too much faith in them but I can learn to live with my mistakes, as I've done beforehand.

I know Kerry has been brought aboard in regards to R/W/B/Y's next phase but Idk in what capacity. He might return as a writer or he'll only be overseeing the project, either one wouldn't surprise me. Honestly, many of C\R/W/B/Y coming back wouldn't surprise me because R/W/B/Y is their baby, even if it's been decaying and rotting for the last few years.

I also don't know how R/W/B/Y is going to come back. I know some are thinking the show but it's very possible it may continue its story in books or some other medium. If it's going to be in literary form, I can only hope they don't bring back the writer of the two R/W/B/Y novels because from what I've heard, he was BAD. Time will only tell, I guess.

In the end, I'm cautiously optimistic but I can't say whether or not this will be good or bad. I can only stay neutral because I have little to no information and I like to make my conclusions when I have the full context. At the very least, maybe fans will have the girls back and the story they love so much be completed.

They deserve better than R/W/B/Y but it's their choice to invest in it and I won't shit on them for it.

[thecomicsnexus]

USAGI YOJIMBO: SENSO #1-6

2014 - 2015

BY STAN SAKAI AND TOM LUTH

20 years in the future of Usagi Yojimbo, the Shogun is finally in the endgame against Lord Hikiji. But everything turns for the worse as a new enemy hits the battlefield.

SCORE: 10

If someone told me that one of the best Usagi Yojimbo stories would be inspired by War of the Worlds, aliens included, I would probably think something was a little off. And something is a little off, but the results are so outstanding that I am just impressed.

The mini-series works as a possible ending for the legend of Usagi Yojimbo, it shows us the end of many characters and even a resolution to some of the long-lasting plots of the saga.

The first issue alone was super engaging, with the many battlefield sequences and the horror of the alien invasion.

One impressive detail about these issues is the way the covers were designed, with the hidden part of the wrap-around having a big reveal about that issue. It's just beautifully done.

Now, by the end of this story... well... you are going to need to jump to the spoiler section.

As I was saying... the whole story has the Usagi lineage at its heart. It's already very clear from the first issue that the whole cast is trying to protect Jotaro from dying. And some of them do die, like Gen.

It was also very satisfying to see the proper end of Lord Hikiji, not at the alien's hands (tentacles?), but at Lord's Hebi's.

The reveal that Jotaro has known Miyamoto was his father for a while and didn't want him to know so that it wouldn't be a burden to him, was a very bittersweet moment. But this moment is what actually guarantees the existence of Space Usagi. And speaking of which...

Now that was an impressive ending. Also fitting that for a character that was so unoriginally named, he decided to also name his son Jotaro.

But here is the key to the whole thing. This story was narrated by Space Usagi. In that regard, the sci-fi elements make a lot more sense. After all, no one really knows how Miyamoto really died.

This is a great ending for this story, as it doesn't really remove the stakes from the regular series.

Now, I am reviewing Senso because of Wherewhen, and that story took place just before Senso (in fact, it is the origin for the turtle tank). What I take from this is that at least the battle against Lord Hijiki really happened. In that way, Senso could still be an "elseworld."

Having said that, I still don't know how the turtles could end up in the same universe as Miyamoto by traveling back in time. I guess some questions are better left unanswered.

[wishblown]

May the days be aimless. Let the seasons drift. Do not advance the action according to plan.

— Don DeLillo; White Noise

June Reads!

A Certain Hunger by Chelsea G. Summers — 4/5: a friend recommended this one to me as kind of a mix between Hannibal and American Psycho with a female protagonist which got me hooked. it definitely delivered on that regarding the plot and food-motif (?). the food descriptions were definitely very beautiful and the protagonist compelling. liked that she was telling her story from prison. only thing was that some of her inner monologue came across a little ‘girl boss-y’ at times which I found corny but maybe that’s just me. I guess you’re allowed to be a bit of a corny #girlboss when you’re literally eating men

The Hauntings of Playing God by Chris Dietzel — 2.75/5: this one was kinda meh? was very excited about the concept (last ‘living’ woman on earth left to care for her patients who’re all suffering from locked-in syndrome (ig?) left to make tough choices) but it just didn’t deliver. it got kinda repetitive towards the middle and could’ve done with some shortening for sure imo. also a little too kitschy in some parts for my taste.

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy — 5/5: even better than expected! I had high hopes for this one and it didn’t let me down! not only is McCurdy’s story incredible and gripping but she’s also a really talented writer.

White Noise by Don DeLillo — 5/5: read this for the first time last year and suddenly got this intense craving to re-read it; turned out I liked it even better the second time round! this one truly has it all: coming to terms with mortality (and failing badly), portrait of family life and marriage, critique of consumerism and modern life, there’s an airborne toxic event, it’s a great satire overall, yet its so earnest at the same time and treats its characters with such fondness and care; such nice structure of the novel too. would recommend this to everyone

Idol, Burning by Rin Usami — 3.75/5: short and bittersweet! a story of an obsessive fan of a j-pop idol; the way she devotes herself to studying her idol as the rest of her life falls apart around her — really enjoyed the contrast between her absolute focus and dedication to her idol and how she struggles in her regular life, school and work especially due to her (probable) learning disability. some passages really hit home for me

Severance by Ling Ma — 4.5/5: enjoyed this one a lot! liked how the narration went back and forth between the current “zombie” pandemic the protagonist is trying to survive (and the dynamic of her companions) and the years leading up to that point. it felt kind of like a coming-of-age story but in a settling into your adulthood kind of way? I liked that vibe and could definitely relate to it as well. also, always a fan of when stories give me the very beginning stages of apocalypses etc. the writing’s really nice too! def recommend

[ponett]

what are your ultimate thoughts on gaogaigar final and would you say it's worth watching? i've been really reluctant to start it as someone who watched and loved gaogaigar, i don't want the tone shift and content included with it to retroactively lessen my enjoyment of the original anime.

okay i can finally answer this since i have now finished it

i think gaogaigar final is the perfect level of quality to make it a total pain in the ass to decide whether or not i would recommend it. it's not nearly bad enough to say you should just skip it as a fan of the original, and it definitely doesn't ruin gaogaigar or anything, but it's also not good enough to say it's a must-see sequel to the original

there IS a lot of good stuff in there. it's fun to see the characters return, and they have a lot of fun (particularly in the first few episodes) riffing on the things you remember from the original show. it answers some lingering questions from the original series, in particular what actually happened to kaidou and soldato-j. and, of course, the robot fights continue to be very cool, if you wanna see more knock down drag out no holds barred super robot fights like the most beloved episodes of the original show

but, as i've complained about a lot, it feels like they shoehorned in some uncharacteristically "mature" content that clashes with the kids' show stuff. it never, ever misses a chance for a boob shot, and there are some weirdly dark moments that feel like surface level attempts to make the show more mature. (much of this is apparently censored in the tv version, which i skipped because its additional connections to betterman would have been meaningless to me.) a lot of this centers around the most significant new character, renais, who gets a lot of screentime despite feeling like she doesn't add much of value to the series. all this while still being a show where characters all but look directly into the camera and go "kids at home, you too can do anything if you have courage, just like guy"

i think it also suffers because like... when you're constantly trying to fire on all cylinders, to crank up the drama, to make almost every fight as Epic as ones like the battle with EI-01 or the showdown from the finale... you just kind of get desensitized to it? i think it retroactively proves that the monster of the week format was really valuable for the original show, making certain moments stand out way more when they shake up the familiar rhythm of the show. same goes for elements like mamoru's silly little classmates and other civilian characters, who are largely sidelined - especially once the action leaves earth. that might not be "the cool stuff" to mecha fans, but the show hits different when the focus is shifted

and i'm not crazy about the note it ends on, which tries to be a definitive but bittersweet ending while ALSO teasing that maybe it'll get ANOTHER continuation someday, which i guess it did via the obscure gaogaigar vs. betterman stuff as well as maybe some super robot wars plots? idk. i kind of hate that the thing literally named "gaogaigar final" ends with sequel bait

but again, it's not like i thought it was BAD. it just didn't quite hit the same way that the original show did for me, even as someone who literally just watched both for the first time and as such isn't speaking from a place of nostalgia. gaogaigar was a show that knew exactly what it was and had a lot of fun with it. gaogaigar final is a sequel that wanted to be something a little different and didsn't entirely succeed. but a lot of fans seem to hold final in very high regard, so i might be an outlier. idk. like i said, i can't say it's either a must-watch or an easy skip. if you do watch it, just keep expectations in check

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary257

5/31-6/1/24

friday - saturday

still off tomorrow...

which is nice but also a tragedy it will end, but that's just momentary.

i read the rest of dead dead demon's dededededededededededededededededededededededededededededededededede struction today, and it made me choke up a couple times, the last time i read it, i was at chapter 87 about. really is great, asano is super great at what he does i think. i think it goes beyond a lot of the commentary stuff in this one, the politics are important and interesting, but i think it gets to a rather painful sense of like, being a description of the fantasy of wanting to undo all your failings, the ending is rather bittersweet in the truest way, it's basically happy but not really, nothing is undone, it's just some characters get some happiness in another time, while those same characters go on being doomed elsewhere. the sense of doom, i guess, lazy doom, and also the fact that this weight of non-weight is achieved w/ an art style that feels extremely referential to older ways of drawing manga, something cute, unassuming, violently cartoony except for the backgrounds (and also the fact that he works in collage at points basically with the robots (like the ship that's shaped like a computer mouse? like a logitech mouse lol. it's crazy and imo points his work towards being a kind of surrealism (he often evokes this but i think typically that's been in obvious ways, in things he drew and not necessarily process) rather than like, that being just a way to fill a page/shortcut)). maybe i discount the politics too much, it is extremely deft at handling the multiple characters who are reactionary, and describing their turn, and making a horror out of that. and then the avoidance of the protagonists, all of it. idk. just a lot of pain there, i suppose maybe i think his way of approaching the people protesting for the aliens gets a little too 'both sides can be bad' but it never really turns into that, which is only a kind of sanitizing of the issue, it remains rather nuanced in that it's trying to show you what empathy might be mobilized towards in some cases (taken advantage of by rather counter-revolutionary sorts), but he can come off as excessively cynical there i suppose. that's an issue that can be taken with his work frequently but i also think it's against itself frequently in that regard too. the fact that love isn't enough but that it remains so tender a thing, that ontan and kadode have such a strong relationship, makoto (best character) and oba bonding so much over the memories of ontan, which is probably the peak of the series for me, it's not just about understanding + accepting + forgiving, it's about the process of involvement, spending hours with people, spending hours and years in a state, in a condition, the monotony, the escapes from that, the terror of that. i guess asano also constantly desires that escape, the something else, this work tries to square that with the fact that in some ways we have that, right now, in the immediate, and the fact of the crisis is one which is used against us as in the ecologies that seek to rehabilitate capital, and so on. this is even a huge part of the plot in the manga. crazy how prescient it was. some of the stuff w/ the facemasks in the start feeling so predictive and descriptive of how covid felt brought back some unpleasant memories of being stuck at home, because my stepdad wouldn't let me go anywhere, and wearing an n95 mask on walks outside for no reason, hiding from people, getting panicked over passing people on the street. a terrible time, really. i suppose that's the nugget which enables it to touch on that in its early chapters, the fear of people, which is also a huge part of the work but also a lot of japanese art in general. terror in the social, or the terror of the social.

less related to thoughts on the thing itself, the content, i went and looked at ebay and look at what i could buy...for...50... dollars... basically...

or like 46 buxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. but that's too rich for my blood. unless i get stupid. i might. i think it could make me happy to see a character i saw myself in many years ago, before i really started being, i dunno, out, i guess. it makes me really emotional honestly, thinking back so long ago, that's like a bunch of years ago. i was like 17-18. now i finally get to be 'myself' which isn't anything in particular just like makoto, at one point, ontan says they use either bathroom, and that they have to be really strong, something like that. it feels funny, to think about. somehow it cut even though it must be a silly joke. something also about the fact that i had to escape my home (during covid as well) to start to get to be 'myself' or do what i want to do with my 'self' (need to read blanchot more to obliterate the sense of self better, (joking, i already know i am not, and blah blah blah i am a point in time where many things come through and this is not a self so much as... i dunno, non-communication between the drives and activity, or, idk, it's unclear or difficult) any way, the point is really that maybe i have to contend with being something because the points in time bent me in ways and now i'm all fucked or whatever?)) anyway, the escaping, the not telling my parents, nobody really knowing, just showing up to people like that, and then making them deal with that. it's beyond mere relation to the character, it just feels actual to me.

anyway here's some pictures of me:

that was me on tha 29thhhh, very good night despite the semi-sucky bands that did play (2 great bands at a local show, that's like, awesome, to be honest). sad i didn't eat more pizza. really suffering for that. pizza was promised another day...the day did not come... and ordering pizza would be stupid cuz the bugz would come and eat eat eat it up and crawl on it and i would probably cry if i saw that. seeing insects on something you want to eat and bought makes me suicidal honestly and it reminds me of this awful horror movie i saw as a kid where it pointlessly punished someone who had ocd by making them eat a cockroach and then because they felt so unclean, drink a bunch of drain cleaner and the acid ate thru his neck and his face and stuff. it honestly made me so upset, not like i was scared, i just think about it and feel really badly for that character. i also thought at the time i'd do the same thing if i ate a roach when i thought i was just eating chips. something about the ocd ritual stuff too, that it showed of the character, being really neat and gentle, i dunno. i don't really understand horror movies like that. it gets to me worse than anything really scary, it's impossible to understand and it's so not scary, it's just cruel and judgmental, it's like, what horror is meant to attack and dislodge, at least that's what i think.

thinking back to things like pinnochio 964, which is an attack on 'the norm' and the methods by which it's enforced, even in the way in which it was made.

thinking now about how long dead dead demon's has basically been a thing in my life, not even central in any way, just present, when it's been more something i was thinking about, when it went away, that kinda thing, how like, my friend's had multiple relationships kind of fall apart in that time, how we've gone certain places to go eat, social formations came and went, jokes, people we knew, i remember someone from online in those old college days, he was cool, he does drum vids on yt and has a cool band. one time he commented on a yt vid of mine. he helped me out with my first music video. i hope he's well. and i see my friend often kinda, or, a decent amount. god. living is so weird, and time's passage is scary. my life's just so many fragments that add up to very little, at the end of all that experience, the people, the time we listened to animal collective in the parking lot outside sushi twister going to the bank, fireworks was on, the night was out and we were in a bank drive-thru and years before the night i was being driven home in my friend's huge car that he used to have and singing along to capn jazz oh messy life (i hate all the twinkle emo midwest shit but capn jazz are beautiful life affirming music), all of this precipitates me, and back then, i feel sorry i wasn't wearing dresses a little, maybe, but also, i guess i had to be like that to be this now, and this now is precious little, pearlescent maybe, if i want to be pretty about it, i am hardened and refined waste, which is sub-ideal and good for me.

if i want to be sad about it, i am a college dropout who depends on their girlfriend financially and wastes money but i guess i also have tried to help out a lot w/ the money i do get, i pay for things, like food, but i guess i have a child's idea of helping out. i guess my gf sort of likes that kind of thing about me though.

getting a 4th song done today, very good, i kind of thought i'd be useless when i got up today, our sleep schedule has been so messed up, but today's been at least productive enough. actually it's been pretty good for things, i wrote today too, more onto the thing i liked, or not necessarily more onto that passage itself but more tending to that area / set of thoughts, a response that would come later, i suppose.

anyway, the 4th track is taking longer than i thought but that's okay because i feel like it's one of the freakier sounding songs so it needs that extra effort.

kayyy, 4th one complete, making good progress on this round of mixing i think, hopefully when i go back to listen to this it's not all...awful sounding i guess. i worry, too much probably,

anyway

i need to sleep,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[amberjazmyn]

"it's the family business, isn't that right sammy?" part two

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - "it's the family business, isn't that right sammy?" part two

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - death, blood, tears, angst, swearing, bittersweet goodbyes and depressing

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - you (tiahni) is leaving supernatural after growing up on the show for the last fifteen years. it's set during the time of the eighteenth episode which was also when castiel/misha farewelled the show. so, it is your last filming day on the set of supernatural alongside misha which was very bittersweet. 

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - this is part two of the previous imagine! like always, the filming of the episode will be in italic lettering and everything else will be in normal font unless said otherwise. 

masterlist read part one right here!

- - - 

𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐡𝐧𝐢'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

if you had told me fourteen years ago that i would be on route to finishing my fifteen-year run on cw's supernatural, there would be no doubt in the world that i would be hysterically laughing in your face right now. i say that because i was an actual child when i started the show in 2005 and i am now coming into my early twenties and i'm filming my last ever episode on supernatural today. so, i find it absolutely insane to think that for fifteen years of my life, this has been the only thing that i've known. so, in that regard, today was very strange to think about. like, whilst i didn't want to wake up this morning and not wanting it to end, i don't think i'm at the point of desolving into tears over the fact that i'm actually now leaving the show for good. 

it was ten in the morning when i finished getting dressed and picked up my chocolate frappe. i was needing in hair and makeup now that i was dressed and ready in my classic elodie winchester white crop top, red and blue piped flannel, ripped grey jeans and doc marterns. it was the makeup i now needed to complete my elodie look and have the classic twin braids that just really turns me into the middle winchester sister. 

"...good morning tiahni!" misha smiles as he walks over to me with his coffe in hand as i hold my chocolate frappucino 

"morning mish," i smiled as i picked up my speed, slightly running towards him as he pulled me in for a hug straight away after putting down our drinks 

"you feeling alright about today's filming?" he pulled away with a soft smile as i nod my head and chuckle softly 

"yeah, i guess so," i trailed off as i just took in as much of everything as i could 

"what about you? it's your last day of filming as well!" i spoke up seconds later as misha breathed in slowly and chuckled 

"it's bittersweet, that's for sure! i mean, it's weird but, it's worth it without a doubt!" misha smiled as i nodded my head taking in another second to let everything sink in as he placed a comforting hand on my back

"yeah. for sure," i smiled as i placed my head against misha's shoulder as he chuckled softly and reciprocated the action before we were both called off to start filming

 └─── °∘❉∘° ───┘ └─── °∘❉∘° ───┘ └─── °∘❉∘° ───┘

it had been the time that honestly, no one was ready for, which was the first of the two death scenes being filming tonight. one of them and the first one being elodie's meaning that, this was going to be tiahni's last ever scene that she'll be filming for supernatural. and, in all honesty, that shit hurt for every single person in the cast and crew who had seen this once seven-year-old little girl grow up into the gorgeous twenty-two-year old she now is. however, having to say goodbye to the girl after she had spent the majority of her life on this show was where it hit the heart and soul of literally every single cast member. and that included misha who had joined the show in 2008 when tiahni was ten. yet, she had work to do, no matter how much it hurt, she did it. 

"...and action!" bobby singer called out as its showtime for the winchesters, castiel and jack

𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐞'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

i knew i needed to be careful. everyone knew how careful you needed to be with yellow-eyed demons. however, it seemed as if it hadn't crossed my mind at how live-like they still were whilst in the process of being exorcised. 

"...elodie, you alright?" sam questions as i start the process of exorcising the yellow-eyed demon that sam, dean, cas and i had been fighting against 

"ahh...nah...i...i should be fine sammy, but thank you!" i turned to smile at my younger brother, feeling confident in myself that i was able to take care of and exorcise the demon myself

 however, i wasn't as careful in the planning of the exorcisim like i thought i was...

...i was quite confident in myself exorcising this yellow-eyed as, in all honesty, this was the main part of the job that i had been doing since i was maybe, fifteen...or fourteen even. and now, coming up to twenty-five, i had been quite experienced in exorcising. however, sometimes this girl could get a little distracted and make some mistakes but, not until this time where my small misjudgement and complacency caused me to die at the hands of a yellow-eyed demon's knife-throwing skills during its exorcisim. 

i had started to exorcise my yellow-eyed demon when i obviously didn't think that it still had some life and power in its body and it decided to attack me one last time. and it struck me, the middle winchester right where it hurt with a knife to my stomach. unfortunately for myself, it seemed as if the yellow-eyed demon had absolutely murdered me to a pulp. the knife was unexplainable large and obviously, as sharp as knives could get. and, the demon took its chance and, decided that if they could no longer be alive in this world then neither could i. 

"cut!" bobby's voice rings out as everyone could breathe again as i smiled - now shit was getting real and i was actually leaving supernatural

"shit's getting real now!" i turned to see alex, he was not as excited about filming today knowing that i was having to leave 

"i knoww! it's getting real real, it's kinda scary!" i giggled softly, holding my hand out for alex to grab knowing the comfort it'd bring him 

we got a five minute break before we started the next scene which was the actual death scene so, this is gonna be fun to film. 

"action!" 

𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐞'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

"sike winchesters," the yellow-eyed demon whispered, throwing its knife with utmost precision and aim

the same exact precision and aim of bellatrix lestrange from harry potter when she stabbed dobby the house elf with her speared knife, the demon's knife throwing skills on par, stabbing me right into my stomach. 

with a sudden loud gasp of air and groan coming out of my mouth, from the blow of the knife to my stomach, the demon had been exorcised and mrudered its last vicitim at the same time. the second i could even be heard hitting the floor, my older and younger brothers, dean and sam and our guardian angel, castiel had split reactions. all of them rushing over to me and hoping that i could be spared. 

"el!" sam yells out, his jeans ruined by his knees sliding against the floor as he dropped to the floor, moving inadequately fast speeds to keep his older sister alive

"elodie, no!" dean and cas yell at the same time, following on sam's actions, getting to their knees to try and help me as i began to fade quite quickly due to the amount of blood loss i was experiencing

"what did you do? what happened?" sam screeched out as he frantically tried to stop my bleeding as i started to come to as best as i could

"not...not the right thing apparently sammy..." i responded, a small rattly sounding laugh as i tried to stay positive

"...oh, come on lodie, don't pull that bullshit on me! what did you do and what happened? tell me, i am...i want to help you!" sam grumbled in anger because he was the youngest, he always felt that if something went wrong, that he had to fix it

and most especially when dean or i'm not around to fix it, it was up to sam so because i was obviously out of action and dean was also out of action due to shock, sam was the one that needed to fix this. so, that's what he was trying to do but, my dark sense of humour was not helping him at this stage.

"oh...sammy...i was trying to be funny. i'm sorry, if you really want to know, i was trying to exorcise the demon. but, i think i broke attention and, i became complacent and the demon managed to slip through and throw their knife, getting me right in the stomach..." my voice was getting weaker and it scared sam and dean as it meant i was dying quickly

"you bloody idiot, elodie! you know to keep focus especially when it's a demon, no matter the eye colour!" dean whispered with a tearful chuckle as he tried to apply pressure at the sight of the bleeding as i smiled smugly towards my older brother

"yeah...you think i didn't know that, smartarse!" i clapped back, about to laugh only to start coughing in the most pain i've ever been in, blood spluttered out of my mouth as the boys grimaced

"don't...don't make her laugh...she...she'll die quicker," cas finally spoke up as he looked over to see jack

who at this moment had no idea what was going on and walked in during my last moments. me and jack's relationship was like the relationship between a mother and their son. since jack was technically a toddler in an adult's body, i couldn't help but feel as though i always had to take care of him because of that fact. and i've looked after him ever since we first met him. and now, it was clear that jack was going to lose me, the woman he saw as his motherly figure and it's going to devastate him.

"don't make who laugh? who will die quicker?" jack's confused and timid voice speaks up as the winchester brothers and castiel tense up

"break! five minutes and then we'll jump straight back in!" bobby calls out as everyone rests as i take a deep breath in 

"how aren't you crying your eyes out right now, t?" jared whines as he furiously wiped away the tears that had ever-so quickly welled in his eyes as i chuckled softly, allowing him to be cuddled 

"i don't really know, maybe it just hasn't hit me as hard yet," i shrugged as i squeezed and did all i could to comfort jared as much as i could 

as, you know, cancers are very emotional people and, what star sign is jared? a cancer, see how much sense that makes? 

"when do you think it'll hit you then?" misha then asks as he sat next to jared and i as i giggle softly once again 

"i don't know...maybe when the episode airs and we watch it together?" i shrugged as the guys all smiled and nodded their heads since we always watched the episodes together 

"yeah maybe but, let's just focus on the now..." alex smiled although it was obviously a fake smile as he stood with his arms crossed as i chuckled softly 

the four of them, jared, jensen, misha and alex smiled stiffly and all stood up as they moved to places. our five minute break was coming to its end as i took in a deep breath as i wasn't so sure as to how i was going to deal with this.  

"action!"

𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐞'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

i instantly held onto what was now very little of my breath so as not to make a sound to give it away that it was me that was dying. not wanting to worry the young nephilim.

"jack! when...when did you get here?" cas spoke in shock, standing up within seconds from where he was kneeling on the floor next to me as the younger boy looks confused towards the angel

"uhh...like...two seconds ago? what is going on? elodie told me that she'd call me when you guys had finished this trip! i just wanna know what's taking so long and why hasn't elodie called me yet?" jack questioned with a worried tone as cas' eyes widened, trying his hardest to think up a perfectly good and human excuse that was totally believable

"oh...the demon is just being a little bit of a...demon's pain in the butt but, i'm sure we'll be done in the next couple of minutes...maybe, leave the bunker for a bit and once...once we've finished we'll give you a call?" cas' eyes widened in shock after those words came out of his mouth without a single moment of planning 

and, truly, i was shocked too but, jack just nodded his head. taking that totally bullshit response and trusting cas with it. of couse jack trusts cas, he had no reason not to trust the angel. so, he just left the bunker and trusted that he was going to be getting that call from me.

"oh...okay then...um, i'll leave then! just, tell elodie that i love her and that i'll...uh...i'll see her soon?" jack spoke with nervousness as cas smiled softly and nodded his head

jack smiled softly too as he then left the bunker, "of course i can jack, see you then!" cas spoke with softness

and the second jack left the bunker, all hell broke loose and it was just a shit storm. it seemed as though my impending death decided to come quicker. so, quickly, cas ran back over to us, laying his hand softly on my leg...but, before his hand could even touch my leg, i almost started an earthquake. 

"no! cas...please...don't...don't try to save me!" i yelled a little too loudly as cast lifted his eyes up in direct eye contact with me and tilted his head to the side in confusion

"i...i wasn't going to...i...i was just placing my hand there for support..." cas spoke softly as i calmed down immediately, feeling bad as i smiled

yet, seconds later, i inquired about why i heard jack and cas talking, "...oh...and cas, why were you and jack talking? is he alright?" i question with worry, groaning in pain as i sat myself up slightly as cas gulped

"yeah, oh my gosh, yes, he's fine. he...he was just wondering why you hadn't called him yet. he also says that he loves you and that he...he thinks he'll see you soon..." cas trailed off as my heart broke, as did sam and dean's

jack wasn't ever going to be able to say goodbye because the others don't want jack having me, his motherly figure as his first death experience.

"...bloody hell...jack...i'm so sorry honey..." i whispered, my voice filled with guilt as i felt myself getting mad over the fact that right now, jack has no clue that i'm dying and will never get that phone call he was promised

"...don't apologise, lodie, you didn't think this is how you'd die..." sam attempted to comfort me, sincerely however it made my blood boil

"...i didn't think i'd be dying at all today...i mean, it really wasn't in my plan to die was it, sammy?" i blew up in anger as a blood retching couch expels out of my lungs suddenly as i weakly groan

"no...no...it...it wasn't...i'm sorry lodie..." the younger winchester swallows himself up as my heart breaks again for my younger brother

"...take your own advice sammy, okay?" i spoke softly, a small smile covering the seconds earlier rageful face as sam's head lifted up in slight confusion

"huh?" he squeaks out as a small breath-like laugh falls from my lips as i speak up again, everyone cringing at how quickly my voice had weakened

"don't apologise sammy. i had no right to get mad at what you said because what you said is true. i didn't think i'd die during what is normally an easy demon exorcisim. but, i am and it's because i became complacent and i thought i could turn my head for just a little second to check on something else. all the while thinking the demon would stay completely still. well, no, don't do that. never take your eyes off of a demon, yellow-eyed, white-eyed, you fucking name it. treat it like a weeping angel from doctor who. do not blink or turn away from it otherwise it'll getcha. and unfortunately, after many years of doing these exact spells, i learnt that the hard way!" my voice became more husky and sickly which made the three guys teary-eyed messes

they watched me, the girl they all loved, die before i could even find someone to love or before i could celebrate more birthday's with jack and the family. and then at some point, retire from being a hunter and live a somewhat normal life with my future partner and have kids and whatnot. 

"i don't care that my statement was true or if it was false. i am still so...so goddamn sorry that i didn't offer you help when you said you had it under control. i should have known the second it went too quiet that i should have reacted quicker and assisted you. i should have made you mad that i was helping you with the demon and have you still alive than having you bleeding out to your death in my lap. i mean, what would you rather me be doing? watching you die in my lap or watching yourself yell at me because you always and continuously preach that you can handle these monsters on your own even though you're just a girl? i mean, i know what me, cas and dean would prefer but, do you?" sam was raging mad now that he was no longer going to have his older sister be alive longer

longer to help him go through life with him. his breathing patterns changed as his welled up tears stared to stream his cheeks as the sobs started to rise in his chest. which made his chest start to constrict in pain.

"sam...sammy...please calm down bud, everything is okay. i'd rather be doing the latter, just like you, of course i would. however, there is obviously a reason why i became complacent and looked away. there is a reason why the demon tried one last time and succeeded. right now, i don't know the reason and that's okay but there was a reason. i know us winchesters don't really believe in this crap, despite team free will having a goddamn angel as a member *giggles*. but, i do really believe it is my time to go and let my two brothers flourish in the hunting world alongside our wonderful angel, castiel and nephilim, jack. i really do believe my hunting days are over and it's time i fly my white flag, finally and be at peace," i was always the smarter winchester and the more eloquent speaker

i've always been told that my smile also always lit up every single room i walked into. i was absolutely gorgeous as well which always worked when i was on a hunting trip. most especially when i was going on a solo hunting trip - i was just gifted. i just had a, no pun intended, god-given gift to be a hunter and a winchester sister in this supernatural world. however, i also had the god-given gift to give up my life and refuse to be saved by castiel. knowing that he could keep those powers and use it to help revive those later down the line. including the lives of jack, dean and sam. so they could help the world if anything bad happened to them, they could be saved. however, with everything mentioned, this is why when it came to my final goodbyes to my two brothers and castiel, it was extremely hard to watch me deteriorate and not have the ability to do anything to save me. 

for my brothers, sam and dean, knowing they'd never hear their older and younger sister talk smack about the two of them ever again or do hunting trips together as the winchester three. or eat pie at the table in the bunker again, it gave them the worst visceral pain in the world. it gave them a physical and psychological pain that no other hunting death or trip to tell and back could have given them. for castiel, knowing that despite the fact he had the perefct opportunity to use his powers to resurrect me but was not allowed to due to my refusal for his help, he hated it. he felt less like an angel and more of a murderer which made no sense or a nurse that had jyst been told that no matter what they tried to do to help, that they weren't able to revive a patient of theirs which made more sense. and that...that made castiel feel absolutely helpless and utterly useless. i mean, what good is an angel of the lord if he can't revive those who call for his help? now, that's a question that would end up running through castiel's mind an entire month after my death as it was the perfect question that just wasn't able to be given a perfect answer from the angel.

"...cas...promise me something, okay?" my voice deteriorates with every word and breath, trying my hardest to say all my goodbyes

the guys are attentive, wanting to listen to everything i have to say before it's too late, "anything, what do i need to promise?" cas looks up and makes direct eye contact with me as i faintly smile

"please...please tell...tell jack that it's been an honour to be his mom and that i love him...and...and that i'm sorry that i broke my promise of giving him that phone call..." my entire body shook as the bloody cough left my mouth as i continued

"...he needs to know that this was never my intention but i...i don't regret the things i said to him before this trip. i...i really did want to leave this life as a hunter and run away and fall in love with someone and have kids, lay low for the rest of my life. maybe take him with me or...or keep him safe with one of you three. i'm just sorry that jack's never going to go through the rest of his life without me with him, cause i promised him i'd never leave him. however, he has to promise us one thing..." i trailed off once again as cas, dean and sam watch on, wondering what i wanted them to promise me

"...what is it els?" dean spoke up, his bottom lip trembling as he tried to hold back tears as i smiled at the use of dean's childhood nickname for me

"i want you guys to promise jack that, although i've left him physically, i've never really left him. promise jack that he can fall in love without me teaching him what love is. i...i want him to fall in love, i want him to get married, i want him to have kids with her. i want him to be happy. i want him to laugh so hard he cries...i want him to cry so hard he can't breathe but wants to laugh so it doesn't look like he's a wuss *tearful laughter*, alright? i...i just want him to be happy after i'm gone...i...i don't want him to let his life go to shit just because i'm gone okay? can...can you promise me that? cas? sam? dean?" i begged weakly as the three men nodded their heads, promising me that they would make sure that jack doesn't waste his life away

"we promise" the three of them say at the same time as i smile before i move to my eldest brother dean for my final goodbye to him

"dean...dean...i..i never thought i'd say this especially in my dying moments but...that night when you made a deal with good old crowley so you could spare sam's life. i...i was the most frustrated i had ever been in the entire world...do..do you wanna know why?" i trailed off, pausing my story as dean nods his head, he did want to hear this story 

this story he had never heard, ever, of a moment where his els had been angry at him, "mhm..." dean muttered, nodding his head as i smiled softly at the memory before continuing the story as i adjusted myself in sam's lap

"i...i was furious because we had made a promise. us two, the two elder siblings that no matter what happens and if we lose sam, i'm the one who makes a deal, not you. you promised me that day that where you were going wasn't to make a deal but to do something else. however, when bobby told me that you had gone right behind my back to make that deal...i wanted to shoot you in the back of the head because...because you thought you were such a smartarse and could get away with it and not even tell me about it..."

"...but no, although you think you did get away with it, you really didn't dean. i was so hurt and i...i felt like my trust by my own older brother had been betrayed. watching you get ripped apart and tortured by hellhounds just tore my own insides apart from one another....just...thinking how helpless sam and i were as we watched you just be mauled to your death. i...i just wish i could have taken all that pain away from you and taken it myself because i knew i would have been able to handle it. but...watching you be pulled apart like that, made me sick and sure, i watched on in terror but, i was so goddamn mad at you for allowing yourself to do this...to yourself!"

"then...that...that was when i realised that's just who you are as a person, dean. you always put yourself through pain so no one else that you love has to go through it. you are such a selfless person dean that sometimes...i just...it's the worst thing about you. stop being so selfless for once and be selfish dean! take time away from being a hunter for just a goddamn second and enjoy the fact that you are still alive and healthy! and please...for the love of god, promise me that if cas, sam or jack ask you to stop what you are doing, you fucking listen to them, okay?" 

i could tell it was agony for them to watch the way i tried my hardest to stay strong and keep on talking. but it was obvious that i was running on whatever adrenaline i had left because of how i was forcing myself to speak and speak loudly and with authority at my brothers.

"yes, you are the boss and you don't allow people to tell you what to do but, that rule only applies when the people are not cas, sam and jack! if any one of those three tell you something, you fucking listen to them, alright?!" i spoke harshly, despite the fact that my throat was burning with every word spoken i still continued to fight through the pain

"els...i...i..." dean was in utter shock, he had no clue about all this built up rage i had regarding him selling his soul - well, he knew i was mad at him but, not to this extent

"...dean...re...remember that one time you saved my life af...after michael had tried to kill me and i got mad at you? mad because i had told you that i had everything under control and that it was your fault i almost died?" my voice softened as it sounded watery however with no sight of tears welled in my eyes, staying incredibly strong for my brothers and best friend

dean nodded his head as he remembered that day as though it was yesterday. the amount of nightmares and visions he had from that day saving my life would probably be the thing that haunted him the most, forget about hell haunting him.

"well...i..i lied. i...i wasn't mad at you. if anything, i was so fucking relieved when you picked me up from michael's grip, my lord, was i relieved. i was so glad that you had helped me because otherwise, michael would have seriously had the best and strongest will to kill me at that moment...i..i just yelled at you be...because i wanted you to think that i wasn't your weak younger sister..." i trailed off as i chuckled softly to myself considering that currently, in this moment, i was dying

"...els...you were always the funnier, prettier, smarter winchester out of the three of us. however, sometimes it was hilarious when you did get distracted and then you'd get so sassy and act like such a smartarse. telling me off for being a smart arse as well. i...i just...you really made not having mom with us so much better because of how well you took care of sammy and i and then jack...i mean, i always knew you'd be a great mom but...now...we'll never get to see that happen properly..." dean trailed off as he didn't know how to react to the thought and fact that i, his younger sister, was going to die in a few minutes

me and dean had a very sweet, special brother and sister farewell that didn't require any more words but just a physical head touch. we then pulled away after a few seconds for the hardest goodbye of mine. if it weren't for jack's farewell, saying goodbye to sam, moose, sam-sam, sammy...all the other nicknames i have for sam, he is the worst goodbye for me.

"...and sam...moose...sam-sam...sammy, my baby brother who's always going to look older purely for the fact you're an actual giant *tearful laughter*. i am so glad i was able to live this long to take care of you for as long as i have. you have grown up to be one of the smartest, funniest, strongest, fastest and one of the most amazing hunter's that i have ever seen in my career and life of hunting. sure, you can be clumsy, an utter idiot, forgetful and a little clueless. but there is always one thing you have always been and that's innocent. you have such an innocence about you that has stuck with you due to not having very much of a childhood and...i am so glad you held onto that because it has helped you through so much, sammy! please...even though it may become hard to do so now that i'll be gone after this but...don't lose this innocence about yourself. it's precious, it's pure and it's what makes you who you are, okay?" i paused as sam nodded his head as tears flooded his cheeks, his face red and flushed

"mhm," sam tearfully mumbled as i smiled before continuing

"sammy...you...you made me a better person...truly you have...and castiel, so have you! i love all three of you...and jack! i love jack so much..." i muttered off, feeling like i was losing my mind

"...sammy, i always looked up to you because i couldn't always be the strong one or the fastest or the funny one. hell, i couldn't even be the really tall winchester *tearful laughter*. you are amazing sammy and i am so sorry i waited this long to tell you..." 

"...i mean, not right now. i'm not being amazing right now, i'm crying over my sister..." sam's laughter turned mournful as i was as cool as cucumber as i quietly giggled

"you're not wrong sammy however, you are the reason why i'm this brave, why i'm this smart...you are the entire reason why i am the person i am today! you...you changed me by just being my younger brother! i hope you know how much i truly love you sam-sam...sure, you do get on my nerves a quarter of the time but, the majority of the time, you really do allow me to be the older sister and take care of everything. thank you for being my baby brother and rescuing me all those times you did..." i smiled as sam tried his hardest to smile as well but he just couldn't

he was in an uproot of panic and he had no clue what to do with the fact that me, his role model and older sister was literally minutes, maybe seconds even, away from dying.

"el...elodie please...don't die...don't leave me!" sam sobbed as he tried to hold my dying body closer as i giggled, my last words escaping quickly

"...it's the family business...isn't that right sammy?" i croaked out before my entire body relaxed 

"and, cut!" bobby called out

the biggest breath escaped my mouth as i was still hugging jared which, truthfully, i was glad and happy to do. because like, did you just hear and see the amount of crying he just had to do? i doubt those tears were acting tears either which is why i didn't even think to move from my position, knowing that it was probably providing a lot of comfort to jared right now. 

"we're nearly done, jare!" i whispered as jared was a mess, i hugged him tight as he reciprocated 

i then all of a sudden let out an involuntary groan/gasp as i had suddenly felt alex drop to the floor and pull me in for a hug as i smiled. 

"aw, hey al, what's up?" i whispered as i had realised jared was finally calm and most likely with his eyes closed for a moment to compose himself 

"bobby says we're about to finish the scene soon. and, i also just wanted a cuddle!" alex let out a shameful giggle as i pouted, i hated how upset everyone was getting now that misha and i were finishing today 

"aw that's cute!" i smiled as alex and i pulled away from the hug, chuckling as i lowered my face closer to jared's hair, giving it a kiss as that opened his eyes in seconds 

he nodded his head, understanding instantly, his permanent sad puppy pout still etched into his smile. 

"action!"

𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘭'𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘷

elodie's eyes closed, her mouth upturned into a smile as her final breath came and went just as quickly as sam could comprehend elodie's last words. and straight away, dean and i gulped, tears streaming down our cheeks also as we stayed silent and calm since sam was in frantic panic mode. since sam was panicking, he was trying everything he could to get elodie to wake up. shaking her, tapping her face, yelling at her, sam tried everything he could to force elodie to wake up. however, nothing was working because it was finally elodie's time to say goodbye. 

"elodie! els...come on...ELODIE WAKE UP!" sam screamed, his voice becoming louder and louder as he continued to shake his dead sister's body to no avail of waking her up, his sobs getting louder

dean couldn't deal with sam's screams anymore and i couldn't either. so, without even a word or eye contact between each other, dean and i decided that i was going to pick elodie up and move her away to cover her up so she could then later be burnt. meaning that dean was in charge of sam and trying to get him to relax and calm him down. the distraught brother who just wished his older sister had survived another yellow-eyed demon.

"sam...sam...sammy...stop it!" dean called out before he could get his grief-ridden sobbing younger brother to calm down and just stop

"dean...dean...she's...she's gone!" sam sobbed out as he tried to resist dean's strong grip as the older brother nodded his head 

"i..i know sammy, i know. i hate it just as much as you do and it hurts me just as much as it hurts you. but, what elodie said before she died is true. it's the family business and we, unfortunately, can't stop just because she's gone. we have to keep going and we have to keep working," dean tried his hardest to soothe his younger brother and calm him down but it wasn't getting any easier

a flash of anger then flashes across sam's face as dean steps back, "why did she do it..." sam's voice becomes aggressive and mad which confused dean slightly and scared him 

"...what do you mean, sammy?" dean questioned as sam's anger then vanished as though it was just a flick of anger that then disappated as his agonosing pain returned

"i just...why did she do it..." sam sniffled as his tears began again as dean felt awful, he knew that having to deal with the thought of sam not having his older sister there with him anymore was an agonizing thought 

"cut!"

alex was not at all excited for this part of elodie's death and, it was understandable. most especially when all of the cast that wasn't involved in the episode and the crew were going to be watching - this was agonizing. 

 └─── °∘❉∘° ───┘ └─── °∘❉∘° ───┘ └─── °∘❉∘° ───┘

𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘭'𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘷

it had been a couple of hours since jack had asked me if elodie was okay and the phone call still hadn't been made. so, this made jack ever-so curious and worried so, he decided that instead of waiting another hour for the call, he'd come back to the bunker to find elodie and see what was wrong. however, whilst he had prepared himself for loads of things, he never thought to prepare himself for the moment that he would see his best friend/mother figure dead, bloody and covered in what was a white sheet covering her entire body.

he felt like he had just been stabbed in the gut. the noise he made also sounded inhumane as he felt his body get forced to the ground as tears welled in his eyes. so many emotions were going through jack's brain and body right now that he thought he was going to go into overdrive and explode.

"...el...elodie.." jack mumbled in shock as he tried to get himself to stand up, failing as he felt his heart shatter 

jack stayed on the floor, on his knees and facing elodie until he heard the sound of my fluttering wings and the door closing as sam and dean had walked in to see jack. turning around, a new emotion rose inside of jack, the feeling of anger and betrayal. it was obvious, plainly obvious, that we were the three people who got to say our final goodbyes to our sister and best friend. but jack, elodie's adopted son, couldn't say his final goodbyes to her? suddenly, jack felt all the strength in the world, managing to stand himself up as he moved over to the three of us who still looked undeniably devastated.

"you...you lied to me! you told me that elodie was fine and that she'd be calling me!" jack was raging towards the three of us but none more so than me

jack's face was red and his entire body shook, it was uncontrollable at this point but, we didn't care. it was understandable why jack was raging. he had every right to be mad, we all knew why he was mad so we didn't stop him.

"i...i know i did jack and i am so sorry. we...i truly thought that she would want to be saved! i...i didn't think she wanted to die!" i tried my hardest to explain but it still wasn't satisfying jack

"i don't care about that, cas! i just care that you could have actually let me stay and probably told me the truth!" jack yelped as tears welled in his eye line, a few of them escaping as he didn't bother to wipe them away 

"i...i just wish i could have said goodbye...cas...elodie was...she was like my mom...she was going to leave this hunting life...she...she was going to make sure i had everything i needed...she was going to be happy..." jack trailed off as his entire face was now covered in wet, hot and salty tears of regret of all the things he probably never got to say to his adopted mom

"...if you want, we can go and you can do that now if you still want to do that?" dean then spoke up, the more composed out of the four of us as jack lifted his head slightly, his eyes slightly twinkling

"is that okay?" he muttered as dean smiled, nodding his head 

"of course it's fine. do whatever you need to do. scream, cry, make a mess of things. sam did all of the above. and cas dealt with it in the way he deals with things. i just wanna make sure that you don't pull back the white sheet, you'll get nightmares and i don't want you to have that image in your head and go through that trauma..." dean whispered, patting jack's shoulder as he nodded his head

"...thanks dean..." he uttered quietly as he then walked himself towards the table that elodie was laying on, her deceased body covered by a white sheet that was dotted with bloody spots

however, it was as though he couldn't even bear to look at the table because even though elodie was covered, it was still obvious that it was her that was laying there on that table, dead. and that it wasn't just anyone's blood, it was her blood that was spread across the once white sheet that covered her. sobs came up his throat as he at first tired to hold them back before he remembered what dean had said.

remembering that dean said he could do whatever he wanted, he took that advice. and, instead of holding it back, he just released it all, all of his feelings and the agonizing pain he felt. his sobs were just as loud as sam's, his screams were on part as sam's. his anger was five times more than sam's, his distruction of the room was worse than anything sam and dean could do as a duo. that was until he felt someone come from behind him, holding him tightly and not letting him go. we both moved down to the floor as jack continued to scream, cry and thrash around. secretly hoping in his head that he wasn't hurting me as i held him tightly.

"you can still live your life without elodie," my normally deep and gravelly voice whispered however, my voice was sorrowful and consoling, giving jack the comfort he so very well desired

"i...i can't cas. elodie was the one who wanted to take me with her after leaving this life...she...she was going to officially take me in and adopt me! she...she was going to be happy!" jack sobbed as he sat on the floor in my lap as my arms wrapped around the distraught kid

jack resting his chin on my arms which made me smile despite the smile not being for a happy reason, "she knows that but she also knows that you'd hate yourself forever if you waste your life away. elodie wants you to be happy and to leave his life behind. she made us promise that you would have kids, get married and have a huge house, with a girl that's got you head over heels and tied down to the point where even after three years of marriage, you still stutter your words. and trip over your own feet because you are so in love with her, she even wants one of us to take you in if we're able too but, most importantly, she wants you to live and be happy!" i spoke softly into jack's ear and, in all honesty, if that could have taken away all of jack's grief and pain about the loss of his "adopted" mother right then and there, it probably a hundred per cent would have without a single breath of doubt

"she's allowing you to move on because she knows that you'll be miserable if you don't allow it," dean whispered, a small smile on his lips as his arms crossed over as jack looked up, nodding his head

sam then bent down to me and jack's level, placing his hand on jack's knee before speaking up. giving some more comfort to the grief-stricken blonde.

"elodie loved and still loves you so much, jack. she said it was an honour to be considered as your adopted mom. she made cas, dean and me all promise her that we'd make sure you'd be happy and live the life you deserve to live. she also made cas promise to tell you that she does love you and that she is so sorry that she broke her promise and couldn't give you that phone call," sam gave jack a comforting look as they looked at each other before jack spoke up softly

"it's the family business though sam." 

wow, not going to lie, never thought hearing those words would hurt me as much as they did. but, it hurt, like, it was bloody painful. 

"yeah...yeah, it is the family business jack but, she was so excited to leave it behind though," sam stammered, more tears streaming down his red and flushed cheeks as i watched the conversation between the two boys

"why was she so excited? she never really did explain it properly!" jack whimpered, fearing the worst answer as sam sniffled, his shoulder catching a tear as i still held tightly onto jack

"she knew that if she left now when she had the chance, her fear of being killed would go away..." sam choked out as he became breathless as he stormed off, his waterfall of tears making him struggle to breathe

"...her biggest fear is what killed her..." jack choked out as he could no longer breathe properly either due to his own sobs as i tightened my grip, jack pulling our interlocked arms up closer to his face as he found comfort in this position

"...cut!" 

the moment bobby shouted out cut and the bell rang out, i jumped off the table i was laying on and ran immediately to the bunker floor. misha and alex were still sitting there, jensen had walked off the help calm jared down. i felt awful yet, still nowhere near the point of tears. maybe that will come whilst i watch misha's final scene, who knows. 

pulling misha and alex into my embrace, i feel alex physically relaxing. holding them tightly on the floor, my knees killing me but i ignore it as alex felt safe enough to cry as his breath remained shaky. it seemed as though misha had calmed himself down which i was grateful for as misha needed to be emotional and cry later on so, he deserved to through this part of his day without crying at least. 

"that fucking sucked!" alex whispered as he sniffled as i smiled into his hair

"it really did!" i whispered as alex pouted due to the fact i didn't add in my usual "and swallowed" joke

"lowkey was ready and expecting to hear the and swallowed joke, not gonna lie!" alex muttered as i chuckled softly 

"i did think about it but, no, didn't feel like it was the right time to say it," i muttered softly, now that it was slowly but surely hitting me that i was really leaving the show, i didn't have it in me to make a dirty joke after a slew of emotional scenes

"do you think you'll cry at some point, t?" alex mumbled softly, finally looking up at me as i also make eye contact, a small smile on my lips 

"yeah eventually," i nodded as i hugged him tighter 

└─── °∘❉∘° ───┘└─── °∘❉∘° ───┘└─── °∘❉∘° ───┘

it had now finally come to the last farewell to grace today's filming day on the set of supernatural. first it was elodie winchester and now, it's our favourite angel of the lord, castiel!

i leant on a wall with alex standing next to me as we watched misha film his final scene with jensen. and now, now i think i was finally allowing it to hit me that i was leaving. 

"...wait, there is...there is one thing she's afraid of. there's one thing strong enough to stop her. when jack was dying, i made a deal to save him," dean was in absolute shock, he couldn't even believe that cas could do that 

"you...what?" dean couldn't even comprehend what he had just heard his best friend say, had he just really made a deal of his own life? 

"the price was my life. when i experienced a moment of true happiness, the empty would be summoned, and it would take me forever," cas almost smiled at those words coming out of his mouth as it made dean choke on his breath

"why are you telling me this now?" dean's voice was rough but it was clear to see he did not like hearing this new news

"i know. i know how you see yourself, dean. you see yourself the same way our enemies see you. you're destructive, and you're angry and you're broken. you're 'daddy's blunt instrument'. and you think that hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you, that's who you are. it's not. and everyone who knows you see it. everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. you raised your little sister and brother for love. you fought for this world for love. that is who you are. you're the most caring man on earth. you are the most selfless, loving human being i'll ever know. *smiling as he cries* you know, ever since we met, ever since i pulled you out of hell...knowing you has changed me. because you cared, i cared. i cared about you. i cared about elodie. i cared about sam. i cared about jack...i cared about the whole world because of you *sad laugh as a tear rolls down his face* you changed me, dean," cas smiled as tears rolled down his cheeks as dean's eyebrows furrowed in confusion 

"why does this sound like a goodbye?" dean spoke in a quiet, reserved voice as cas tearfully smiled

"because it is," cas could tell that as dean inhaled that he was ready to argue, however, he knew he had to confess these words before it was too late

"i love you," the angel tearfully smiled as he watched closely at dean's reaction

"cas..." dean trailed off as castiel put his hand, bloodied from when he'd cut it on the warding, on dean's shoulder

"goodbye dean," cas spoke with a smile, a sense of pride surrounding the angel

"what?" dean, still confused was suddenly pushed out of the way by castiel

the hard shove from castiel had forced dean against the wall beneath the portal as he struggled to catch his breath. a handprint of castiel's bloody hand remained on dean's shoulder. billie then entered the room as cas took one last look at dean. smiling as he then inhales as the black liquid trendils of the empty wrapped around him. the empty crashes against billie, pulling her along with them. dean then watches on in shock as the portal to the empty closes as he is then all of a sudden left all alone, panting and stunned. 

"cut!" 

well, that was it! misha and i had now both filmed our final scenes on supernatural. cas and elodie are now no longer returning for the last two episodes of the show. i just stared out into the distance only to be taken out of it when misha picked me up. making me giggle, getting ride of the choked up feeling in my throat. 

"we did it!" misha tearfully cheered as he finally placed me down to the floor as i nodded my head, smiling 

"my childhood is finally over..." i whispered as he grabbed a tight hold on my hand, not letting it go as the director had called out the one thing that i don't think i had prepared myself to hear

"...and that is a series wrap on mr misha collins and miss tiahni kingsmill!" the director called out as the set filled with cheers, whistles, tearful screams and just everything you could imagine happening on a cast member's last day on set

despair s15 ep18 was the day that elodie winchester and castiel came to their final demises.

- - - 

this was so much fun to rewrite and, i'm glad i changed the relationship between jack and elodie because ew, jack is literally meant to be a literal three-year-old!

ily xx 

word count; 8772

[ultyso]

Considering you already made a long post about Lawtsuda I’ll go ahead and ask how you feel about Lawlight instead (love your art!)

Some days I really like it others I’m a little more eh about it. I’ll go into detail about both:

I personally enjoy Lawlight in the Drama, the most. They felt extra fruity and shippy to me personally. Now why I like that adaptation more than the anime/manga? They moved them closer in age, Light already being in college. Just a little weird to me with the pairing when Light is still in high school. The drama I like because the subtle little kiss on the cheek, the way Light dodged outta having to be handcuffed, the flirtatious looks they continuously give each other, the playful little banter they always are having. AGHHHHH. It’s just good stuff.

Now on for the general!

Like I mentioned in my Lawtsuda post, I like pairings where it’s a give and take. It is no different with Lawlight. They both cure each other’s boredom, they bring thrill to each other’s lives because finally they met someone on the same wave length as them! Light also I feel brings out the sillier side to L, which I find amusing ^^ As for the reverse, I think L just brings Light a sense of comfort and more openness that he hadn’t had as much before. (Cause he’s so incredibly gay)

In the story, I don’t think anyone (yes even my Lawtsuda shipper heart can attest) can match how in sync and strong their bond is. They fit together with each other perfectly. Also them both being great at tennis, both having similar level of intellect to always have engaging conversations, both engaging in their mind games. They just genuinely seem to enjoy being in the other’s company too if you ignore all the Kira stuff. The L Change the World movie’s book with L absolutely moping about Light not being around and WEARING his watch for a sense of comfort! As L was close to dying, he went to LIGHT’S HOUSE ahhhh. Him hoping they will meet again in death to walk in the nothingness together like ughhh. He’s so poetic with him. Then there’s Light who is just absolutely losing his mind after ridding of L. The immediate regret, the extra hate to Near. The bittersweetness of it all! L was his equal but he had to get rid of him for self-preservation. Yet he cannot SHUT UP about L. Always on his mind. That things would have been better if they were still togetherrr. Then the creators saying if Light wasn’t Kira that they’d probably still work together. Aghhh they just have to be apart of each other’s lives!!!

Light always showing his concern for L is always 🥺 Even if it ends up leading to fights cause their both stubborn af, it’s cause they love each other okay? :,,,)

Even though L is a notorious liar, it still seems sweet when he seems a little sad at Light being Kira because he’s his first friend. Ahhhhh. Light, I feel, has brought L out of his shell a lot on the case and gehshsjsjskks

Also the fanart? GORGEOUS? The memes of them? HILARIOUS. But fanfics? Eh I’m not actually that into it. There’s enough ig in canon that tickled my fancy enough with the pairing that I don’t really feel like the fanfic would bring about anything that doesn’t feel kinda repeated? So I don’t really read them 🙈

Now why it gets EH. It’s just talked about so much I guess it kinda just bores me sometimes. Like we get it. It’s great. What’s new? 🙈 It feels silly but sometimes when I just see Lawlight over talked about it just kinda looses my interest. When I rewatch/reread stuff tho I still like it and definitely feel they had something going there. Also I personally don’t like Light as much. So I’m just not as big a fan of shipping him with L in just that regards. When I wanna do fanart/fics of my fave ships, I like it more when I like both characters equally. Feels kinda one sided for myself ig otherwise lol (which is why partly, Lawtsuda, even with its lack of canon content, intrigues me more.)

Overall I feel a pretty solid ship ^^

(All pairing opinion asks are solely my own thoughts on a pairing. If you like/dislike it, power to ya. We all have our faves and dislikes ^^)

[moldy-mold]

So far...

In May, I paid my old pal from Ragnarok Online a visit after being friends for 15 years!! It was also my first time visiting Portland, OR. We had a great time! I’ll see you again soon...

Finished reading Golden Kamuy and went through many emotions... I’m very happy that my faves got appropriate closure. Noda did a fantastic job. Right after that, I picked up Dungeon Meshi which I also really like! I caught up within a few weeks of intense reading. Happy that they’re finally getting an anime by Trigger - what an honor!

A highlight of these past few months was the discovery of excellent anime. Occasionally, we find a series that we really enjoy, but I wanted to LOVE something. This was the beginning of my dive into the golden era of OVAs.

There was a lot of experimental, high quality animation during the 80s... I was allured by the potential of finding something amazing amidst a lot of really weird stuff.

I finished a handful of unique series and films before getting caught on a certain one. This, my friends, was Captain Harlock. I knew about the series some years ago but Harlock looked a little too ~edgy~ for my taste so I made the mistake of judging him before getting to know him. Turns out he’s actually just a flashy space dad, befriending other space dads, adopting space kids, and teaching them space lessons, while fighting for space freedom. Its bittersweet and hopeful tone struck the right chords with me which gave it a place among my all-time favorites.

Picked up Xenosaga, an old PS2 series from my HS days. Every few years I replay Episode III. For me it’s a comfort game. It has all the things I like in a jrpg: turn based strategy, mecha, switchable party members, and great music. I’ve never gotten my hands on the first two games, but thanks to a cool friend, the entire series is finally mine this year! Imagine only playing the third game... yeah I had many questions.

Naturally, I am a Xenoblade fan as well. I haven’t gotten the third game yet (very jealous of those who have). Once my brother finishes it, I am next!

Freelance illustration in the wedding business picked up for me so that keeps me busy on weekends on top of my normal job on weekdays. I’m doing okay. It’s busy but not so much that I’m dying. Funny enough, it was due to the long hours glued to my desk that I... sort of got into Yugioh duel monsters from my childhood again?? I like to put videos on while I’m painting and YGO is really great at describing what is going on so I don’t have to look up. I mean, they literally call out every attack LMAO.

My friends are YGO fans as well. Their enthusiasm rubbed off on me since we’re all watching Zexal together. It’s pretty good though I’m only a quarter of the way there. It’s like a close cousin to DM. :)

NGL, I do feel pretty insane for jumping from one fandom to the next every few months. But Moldy, how are you supposed to develop a following if you keep dragging your people everywhere?? I guess I’ll just die? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Idk how other people keep their special interest for so long. It’s just not for me. When I get interested in something, I put all my passion and emotions into it like a raging fire and then it just burns out after a while. I’m trying to see if it yields some interesting results in regards to my art style. They say you shouldn’t try for a style, just let it develop, but I do think goals are healthy. My goal is to evolve with a retro twist as my art journey goes on!

Another subject I wanted to address is my struggle with selling my art. It just makes me squirm since I worry about what might happen to my work if I keep trying to sell stuff. It obviously helps in the money department! I’m just afraid that my work will lose its soul if I turn it into a commodity. It’s silly cuz everyone does it. Surely, they can’t be mutually exclusive: making great content and making great sales. Occasionally, I do get inspired to make a merch item specifically so that can be a positive outlook, right? I will mull over this for another couple months. :\

-

Plant Saga

Tried caring for strawberries (in a strawberry planter, so meta). I managed to harvest a few funky berries so far! They weren’t that sweet... not yet.

New plant! Repede the African Violet.

New plant! A red geranium, named after my beloved Harlock.

Hubert the Monstera is so big now!

New plant! Canna, unnamed for now.

-

Finished Watching... ◆◇◇ lacking ◆◆◇ enjoyable ◆◆◆ i’ll watch it 4 times

Lupin III: - Part 6 ◆◆◇ - The Columbus Files ◆◆◇ - The Fuma Conspiracy ◆◆◆ - Farewell to Nostradamus ◆◇◇ - Goodbye Partner ◆◆◇ - Alcatraz Connection ◆◆◇ - Dead or Alive ◆◆◇ - The Secret of Twilight Gemini ◆◆◇ - Crisis in Tokyo ◆◆◇ - The Elusiveness of the Fog ◆◆◇ - Voyage to Danger ◆◆◇ - The Bloodspray of Goemon Ishikawa ◆◆◇ - Legend of the Gold of Babylon ◆◇◇ - Blood Seal of the Eternal Mermaid ◆◆◆ - The Hemingway Papers ◆◆◇ - From Siberia with Love ◆◇◇ - Castle of Cagliostro ◆◆◇ - Nusumareta Lupin: Copy Cat wa Manatsu no Cho ◆◆◇

Retro Anime: Bubblegum Crisis (80s OVA) ◆◆◆ Bubblegum Crash (80s OVA) ◆◆◆ *RG Veda (80s OVA) ◆◆◇ They Were Eleven (80s Film) ◆◆◆ Record of Lodoss War (90s OVA) ◆◆◇ Battle Angel Alita (80s OVA) ◆◆◇ Space Adventure Cobra (80s Film) ◆◆◇ Kimagure Orange Road ◆◆◇ Kimagure Orange Road: I Want to Return to That Day (80s Film) ◆◆◇ Wicked City (80s Film) ◆◇◇ Project A-Ko (80s Film) ◆◆◇ Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000s Film) ◆◆◇ Night on the Galactic Railroad (80s Film) ◆◆◇ Zeta Gundam (for the 5th time) ◆◆◆ Captain Harlock/Leijiverse: - Arcadia of my Youth (80s Film) ◆◆◆ - Arcadia of my Youth: Endless Orbit SSX ◆◆◆ - Harlock Saga (90s OVA) ◆◇◇ - Space Pirate Captain Harlock I (70s Film Compilation) ◆◆◇ - Space Pirate Captain Harlock (CG Film) ◆◇◇ --- WELL the man himself looked stunning!! The plot was less stunning! - Galaxy Express 999 (70s Film) ◆◆◆ - Adieu Galaxy Express 999 (80s Film) ◆◆◆ - Queen Emeraldas (90s OVA) ◆◆◇ - Maetel Legend (2000s OVA) ◆◆◇ - Gun Frontier ◆◇◇ - Captain Harlock: Endless Odyssey ◆◆◇ Demon Slayer: - Season 1 (Vietnamese Dub) ◆◆◇ ---my third time watching... the Viet dub was excellent. - Mugen Train Arc ◆◆◇ - Entertainment District Arc ◆◆◆ --- watched it twice. one in JP and one in EN. waiting for the Viet dub...

Others: Samurai Flamenco ◆◆◇ Encanto ◆◆◇ Shang-Chi ◆◆◇ Kotaro Lives Alone ◆◆◇ The Bad Guys ◆◆◇ Gundam: Doan’s Island ◆◆◇ SPY x FAM S1 ◆◆◇ Haikyuu S3 ◆◆◆ Haikyuu S4 ◆◆◇ Obi-Wan Kenobi ◆◆◇ BELLE ◆◆◇ Phantom of the Opera (2004) ◆◆◇ PROMARE ◆◆◇

*Tbh I watched RG Veda because this swordsman looks like 80s Gaius...

Okay, that’s enough content to last 20 years lol...

-

Hmmm life lessons: This year was a year of learning how to spend time specifically with people who care about you and also learning the importance of being alone. I made a terrible mistake of trying to hang out with someone out of routine and it damaged the relationship forever. Don’t be like me, kids.

Thank you for being here and see you next time. :)

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

If ur still doing that ask game uh 002 metadede ship wishlist :D

mario WAHOO noise great job starting self-indulgent hours anon (thank you)

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:

i had to check my archives for this. apparently the first metadede post i reblogged was january 2020, but looking at that post i think i shipped them even a bit before that. i do very clearly remember however, when i first joined the fandom and saw that ship, that i thought it was weird and that i thought shipping kirby characters/circles in general was kinda weird. hahahahaha oh my gosh look at me now

My thoughts:

they're idiots 💖 they make each other lose braincells and feed each others bad ideas. more than that, they know that they dont have to act a certain way in front of each other. they dont need to impress or feel like they need to set an certain example, so they can really relax and have fun. adult to adult friendship 🤝

What makes me happy about them:

okay okay repeating myself a lot around here but hey two sole adults with a long history. hating each other but then being forced to get to know each other and then LEARNING TO RESPECT AND ESTABLISH MUTUAL TRUST. im so weak for enemies to friends i cant get over it 🤦‍♂️

What makes me sad about them:

hmmm nothing? i loooove drama between these two lmao so very little could make me sad about them. unless in canon they said explicitly they dont trust each other that would be sad 👎

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

i don't actually read that much fanfic, i think the metadedes ive read were just oneshots/otherwise really short and im gonna be honest i dont remember what happens in most of them. trying my best though, im gonna answer this with i think conflicts are solved too easily. its like one snuggle later and everythings okay. to be fair most metadede centered fics are fluff/comfort so whatever you know, i dont go in expecting that stuff from it

Things I look for in fanfic:

as said before i dont read much fanfic, especially long fanfic. i like short oneshots :) but if i did read long fanfic 👇 see below

My wishlist:

*deep breath* i want more metadede content where they drive in the enemies to friends to lovers. i want them to be the biggest mess ever and argue all the time and be petty and kick each others asses before they understand each other. the kf2 novel was pretty fun in that regard. this might be an unpopular opinion but as i said before just hhrhrhghg when theres stuggle it makes the end result more rewarding. the boys gotta work for their happy end

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

meta with whoever honestly, theres a ton of candidates out there. metagala or metaroach esp though. and dedede i guess with queen ripple. i dont ship those two but i hc that dedede had a crush on her for a while

My happily ever after for them:

kinda thought about this before and its a bittersweet answer. not cause i love sad stuff and drama in my ship this time surprisingly.

meta loves doing his own thing. taking some stuff from the novels (i think puppet princess in this case) he likes living freely, that's why he doesn't serve under anyone or take orders. he travels the universe a lot for one reason or another, and i think he can't live without exploring and adventuring. compared with dedede who likes being grounded in one place to protect everyone and cant leave dreamland, their lifestyles are incompatible. i cant imagine them settling down together like couples usually would. best case scenario i have is meta is only out some parts of the year, so he visits and lives in dreamland as much as he can, and he calls dedede often when he cant. bit of a long distance relationship :')

[where-theres-smoak-2]

What ending would you like to see in the Shadow and Bone Netflix series?

(Book ending spoilers)

Oooh this is an interesting question that got me thinking. To be honest I am pretty flexible on the ending, I like to be surprised but I also like to try and guess what will happen but one thing is for sure I don't want it to end the same way as the books, that's not interesting to me at all if you know what's coming. One thing for me that is a deal breaker though and I will throw something at the screen if it goes the other way is Alina needs to keep her powers. If the series ends like the books and she has her powers stripped so that she can go live on a farm with M*l I will be angry, especially as they have already had her say in the show that is not what she wants and I hate when tv shows do the whole this woman has stated she doesn't want A but actually she just didn't really know that she did really want it and now she has seen the light, grown as a person and is happy. I can deal with almost anything else happening so long as she keeps her powers.

That being said my ultimate fantasy as a darklina is obviously an ending where they end up together. How likely that would be I don't know. I also don't necessarily want a nice neat happy ending. It would be interesting to see Alina witness just how bad the grisha have it and this driving her down a more morally grey path. Like her desperation to save the grisha takes her down that darker path and she comes to realise and understand where Aleks was coming from. It could be interesting to see an ending where Alina's character ends in a slightly darker place where she has realised the world isn't all sunshine and roses and that sometimes you have to make tough choices for the greater good. Also where Aleks has maybe not a quite complete redemption arc but is brought more back to his humanity and see things in a more optimistic light. Each of them I think would then have that balance to each other where Aleks has helped Alina see the realism of life but she has helped him to become more hopeful and they meet in that middle ground. I like the idea of it ending with them ruling together, like they have brought an uneasy peace to ravka, its not perfect but its better than it was. I also don't necessarily care if they destroy the fold or not so long as things are better for the grisha.

The two most important things to me is that Alina keeps her powers and that the grisha are saved and are in a better position where they have more opportunities and can live without the fear of prosecution or being killed.

Also in regards to M*l I don't really want him to die and I really don't want them to do that bait and switch of he's dead oh no wait he's not. I feel like they have already had him injured and almost die so much in season 1 that it got to the point where it was almost comical so I think if that went with the plot point of he's dead but then the bring him back that's just going to be ridiculous. So if they go the whole Alina has to kill him to get his amplification and save the day then I think he should just stay dead as harsh as that may sound. However I would actually prefer for him if he did get that dream he wants of living on a farm. It would be bittersweet because he would get that quiet life he always dreamed of where he can be that little boy who didn't want to fight and just wanted to hug a bunny, but he has to let Alina go and accept that they aren't the same people any more. I just think that would wrap his storyline up nicely if after being forced to be the soldier who fights he is able to have that freedom to go back to who he really is and find that peace.

So I guess I like the idea of a bittersweet ending as oppose to a perfect one. But that's just my own preference I'd be interested to know what ending others would like.