#i guess ill start posting my photography here too.. since it's my personal blog

[rachamemories]

[roseriot2191]

Entry 1/Introductions

hey!

so i really havent used tumblr before really so im not sure if this is the best place for what im doing but regardless im posting it here

~welcome to my blog~

the purpose is to document my life as a whole but its also my senior year so even more reason to record it!

this blog will be my safe space to spill anything, the good and the bad, of my upcoming life. in all honesty im not sure how well ill keep up with posts or how much effort ill end up putting into them but i will try to update at least once a week for sure.

ok so now onto me :)

hello again! im rose, i use he/they pronouns and i am 17. for anyone wonder, which i dont know why but i guess i can just state it to get it out of the way, im a cis queer guy. i use queer as my label because i very much dislike labels for myself lmao. im attracted to men way more often than not but if the right person for me isnt a guy the im not going to let gender/sex get in the way of love and im not sure pansexual really fits the way i feel. queerness ill say is a part of me but not something i identify with as much as i did in middle school. ill make a separate post about this perhaps. (ill mention that my name isnt actually rose irl and its just my pen name for the blog. i have no reason to be secretive really besides to hide my identity from friends, family and people who think they might know me, especially with the topics i might write about, but also i didnt put too much effort into disconnection rose and myself so if youre one of my irl friends, hi :p ) i am a high school student, but i am mostly taking college classes at a community college. im a photo major! photography is a recent thing that i started basically the same time i started college. i sorta took a leap into photo classes and decided that i might as well major in it since ive always been a creative person and since my high school was paying for my tuition. honestly college has been really fun but its school and sometimes i get burnt out really easily which sucks. ill probably talk about this more some other time. i havent really decided on a style of photography that i prefer yet but this fall ill start a portraiture lighting class as well as a color theory class, both im really excited for.

recently ive found myself changing or perhaps growing into a more typical "teenager" recently. this growth is a drastic change from who i was as a kid and that sort of scares me but i think i like the idea of who i can become. i started taking an interest in cars which sort of came out of know where. it might be because i got my license last december and have been driving a lot more but its also rooted in my ex too. (at the begging of this summer i got into a relationship with this guy who was my first everything, and we also ended it in july which hurt hella but again this is a topic for another post later) he was a total car guy and it was something we were bonding over. he would teach/talk about cars and i listened and started to take an actual interest. we went to a few car shows and it was honestly a prefect date/hangout for us because he liked cars of course but i also got to bring my camera and take photos. definitely something i miss doing. my first car was a 2004 honda pilot. it was a manual and i tried learning how to drive it and i got the gist but ended up selling it and getting an automatic 2006 honda pilot lol. this car ive had since february and its lowkey dying now which pisses me. my grandpa was the one who ended up buying it for me which i appreciate very much dont get me wrong but he bought it off these sketchy guys and didnt get it checked out right away for any problems and now im paying extra money in repairs. currently im trying to save for something more "extra" like a mustang or a bmw or honestly an older honda like a prelude or accord, though on my salary as a host in a small restaurant i have barely $4.5k saved and i started work about the same time i got the 06 pilot. i know these cars are a bit on the pricey side but im giving myself till new years to save for something and if i dont find anything by then, ill keep my money in savings for college after i graduate. (that is with the hopes my 06 pilot lasts me through that long :,) )

so yeah. i work as a host at a restaurant. its my first job and i honestly really like it. i get paid $16.50 an hour and i get tipped out by the waitresses on top of that. on average i make about $500 in a pay period which is two weeks. i wish i had more hours but also i dont. i usually use work as an excuse to procrastinate or completely ignore school work which is really self destructive because i convince myself that im productive but in reality i need to be more focused on school. my work ethic is pretty good though i think. i always say yes if someone needs a cover or if i need to come in ealry/on a day off. after the break up i took a bunch of extra shifts and started taking caterings for longer hours and to keep me busy. in the past 2 pay periods i clocked about 50 hours each and made $850 each. this has again been really nice for savings but not for my summer classes. this pay period i had a double catering and i should clock in about 40 ish hours. ill have one more pay period after this one before i will talk to my manager about scheduling me only friday-sunday and see about scheduling me caterings more rather than hosting since i make more that way. theyre pretty good about accommodating hours/days which is really cool but my manager always complains. i feel bad but also i really shouldnt because i need to do better in school first and i already do so much more than what i get paid for honestly so she really doesnt have any reason to say anything. (especially since we just hired 3 new girls after the summer hires left) all my coworkers love me but also everyone shit talks eachother behind their backs so i always wonder if they say anything about me lol. if they are then they should put that energy somewhere else because how are you guys gonna shit talk a 17 year old when you all are 25+???

my music taste is the opposite in regards to changing drastically. i find myself returning to the music i grew up with and even expanding with similar artists. for a quick family overview my step dad who raised me since i was three was/is a tattoo artist and very much in the punk scene. my mom was in the artistic performance and alternative scene. both these adults raised a very punk baby with all the classics and now like i said, after not really interested or listening to music often for awhile, im back to my roots. this is very comforting however when me and my ex were dating he was a big influence in the reintroduction. so do i corrilate some music to him? yes. does it hurt? im not sure. its very confusing but i listen to it on blast regardless and will most likely have hearing problems by the time im 30 T~T a lot of what ive been listening to on repeat is radiohead which was "our band" and i still think it is. im a very sentimental person and cant/wont diconnect these feelings probably ever. i do this a lot. this time though i havent had the urge to stop listening which is a reliefe because i enjoy the music but also because i think itd hurt me if i found hate or sadness in the music rather than the love and bond we once shared through these songs. something ive been considering is posting a song with every post or at the very least at the end of the week. maybe even a playlist at the end of the month? not sure yet. i think music tatse is something that changes with me all the time so its something worth recording here. oh also i def will post cd hauls here too! i have a small collection started but definetely wanna get more.

lets see i dont read often but my favorite books are alice in wonderland, the warden's daughter, they both die at the end, coraline and currently i am reading solitaire by alice oseman. ive read her heartstopper series and have taken a serious interest in tori's story. for my favorite shows i binge watch shows so often and then forget about them just as fast as i watch them lol. i really like soul eater, downtown, daria, the midnight gospel, the walking dead, initial d, madoka magica, and some others i cant think of right now.

hmm~ i cant really think about anything else to write at the moment, plus ive been typing for awhile and should get to bed, so i think ill end it here.

i dont really expect anyone to read this blog in all honesty but its something i wanna do for myself and if a few people take interest or relate to anything i talk about i think thats enough :)

[bonkersforeternity]

i'm not sure if the people who followed me since 2010 are still active on this platform. i haven't, properly used it in years. but if you have been following me for a while and are still active please drop me a message, think i'll get back to using tumblr but it'll be a bit different.

of course i'm still mad about my love johnny, but i think going forward this won't be just a fangirl blog, though that man is so beautiful which is why he will always be present on this blog. And Coldplay are still my all time favourite band so nothing has changed in that department.

And if you followed me while I was away, also feel free to drop me a message and introduce yourself :)

Here is a list of things i like (in no particular order, and tbh it's an endless list, maybe I'll make a post just of an endless list) and will slowly start to transform this page (I won't delete any of my old posts because it is important to see the growth and evolution) -

Books - fiction books, non fiction books, e-reads, hardbacks, paperbacks, audiobooks, poetry books BOOKS. (I'll be doing book reviews here maybe, been reading a lot since miss rona came into our lives)

Art - anything to do with art, creation, creativity, paints, graphic art anything that makes the world look and feel beautiful and calm

Nature - my field of work is to do with nature, the green, the earth, the terracotta hues, water, life! animals, creatures near and far. FIGHTING FOR CLIMATE ACTION, CLIMATE JUSTICE

Astrology and personality types - i just love reading about these things, they intrigue me. I'm an ENFP type 2 with a pisces sun, virgo moon and gemini rising (tell me yours?) and if you don't know ill be happy to point you in the right direction so you can find out!

Dark academia - so this is pretty new but i think im really in love with that aesthetic though i love wearing colourful things as well. not sure but one of my aims with reviving this blog is to explore the aesthics which make me happy and dark (& light) academia are leading so far (orrrrrr (thinking out loud now, there will be lots of thinking out loud here) winter for dark academia and cottage core for summer hmmm)

Room decor - I don't have my own space at the moment which is probs why I've been obsessed with pinning beautiful rooms on my Pinterest board they make me feel so warm and fuzzing knowing soon I'll have my own space tooo

Affirmations and journaling - okay I've been really bad with these but they have worked for me in the past so I really want to get back to this and just believing and loving myself

Make-up and skincare - since miss rona came into my life, make-up has taken the back seat but I do love loveeeee looking at make up videos and photos. i've been super good with my skin care and love to see what works for people too

Shows and movies - I appreciate a wide array of movies and shows tbh so I guess it'll become more apparent as i reblog those things and it's honestly difficult to say what my favourite movie or show is tbh it depends on my mood

Photography - I loveeeee taking photos of nature and the environment around me, maybe I'll post them here

and yeah many more things but i'll end it here for now.

Thanks for reading! Do drop me a message if you like, and if you've read this long ass post thank you, i hope you have a wonderful day!

[outspokens-ar]

new  york’s  very  own devin  bahar was  spotted  on  broadway  street  in  louis  vuitton  ankle  boots.  your  resemblance  to  bella  hadid  is  unreal.  according  to  tmz,  you  just  had  your twenty-third birthday  bash.  while  living  in  nyc,  you’ve  been  labeled  as  being  a  workaholic,  but  also  loyal.  i  guess  being  a  libra  explains  that.  three  things  that  would  paint  a  better  picture  of  you  would  be  messy  silk  sheets,  red  wine,  and staying  in  on  a  saturday  night.  (  female  &  she/her  )  +  (  katie,  21,  she/her,  est  )

I’m incredibly excited for this to be back so, hello, hello, I’m Katie and here’s a long ramble about my bby bean Devin !

BACKGROUND ;

Devin I. Bahar was born to Isabella Corine Bahar, an ex-model who retired when she got married, becoming far more attracted to the ‘rich housewife, bow down to me’ aesthetic than continuing to work, and Damian Ethan Bahar, a lawyer coming from a long line of family lawyers that were known for working important, high-profile cases.

The relationship she holds with her mother is strained due to the woman’s materialistic nature and her goal of marrying off her daughter for as much money as possible. Her eyes are always on a far bigger and shinier prize, no matter how good her life already is.

Her relationship with her father, miraculously, is healthier than the one she has with her mother, simply because she has absolutely no relationship with the male. He took off when she was younger, cutting off all contact with his daughter without a second thought and he hadn’t bothered to make any effort to try and have a relationship with her.

In fact, when she had attempted to start some form of a relationship with him after she turned eighteen, he completely rejected her and wanted nothing to do with her and it ripped her apart far more than she was willing to admit to herself or anyone else.

Even now, she isn’t sure if the complete cut in contact is due to her mother or if it was simply because she didn’t live up to his expectations, didn’t deserve his love. Either way, she has attempted to move on from it after the rejection, even if she still has that small hole in her heart over it.

Due to how strained her relationship is with her mother, she moved out of the household the day she turned eighteen, having managed to save up enough money to support herself, wanting to get away from her as soon as possible. However, the woman is still her mother and she does still attempt to have some form of a relationship with her, even if it sends her into a horrible mindset whenever she has a conversation with the woman.

CAREER ;

She first began modeling at the age of 16 for a commercial project. She also starred in the "Swan Sittings" by Lesa Amoore, alongside actor Ben Barnes, before appearing in "Smoking Hot" by Holly Copeland. She also modeled for Hanna Hayes' F/W 2013 collection, alongside various other commercial projects, including campaign work for Chrome Hearts during 2013 and 2014.

She was then signed to IMG Models in 2014 and her career started shooting off from there.

She never actually planned to become a model, she actually wanted to be a photographer when she was younger and planned to go to school for it. When it came to the point where her focus turned towards college, she ended up heading towards visual arts, fashion design, and graphic design. Out of that, she discovered her passion for clothing and that’s what began her journey of designing clothes, a project she started along with her modelling career.

Since the start of her career, she has won over a dozen different awards that range over her multiple different career-interests. Managing to make a name for herself as a model and fashion designer.

As much as she enjoys photography, she puts most of her focus onto modelling and continuing to add to her own clothing line full-time. This leaves photography for her spare time as more of a hobby, however, she does step in to help other high-profile photographers from time-to-time.

PERSONALITY ;

She identifies as pansexual and has always been very open to sharing and talking about her sexuality.

Has always put her foot forward to support charities, organizations, and projects that support the entire LGBTQ community. Along with making sure to put her focus into other charities and organizations, she’s always been the type of person to ‘give back’ and to put her support into the things she believes in.

Devin suffers from intense depression and anxiety. For the most part, you would never know, she does well but, every once in a while she goes into a deep rut. She won’t talk to anyone, doesn’t want anyone around, generally entirely depressing and doesn’t want to bring other people down when it comes to it. It takes a lot of trust and a special type of friendship for her to allow you to be around during that time considering, most of the time, she’ll go completely off the grid the entire time. However, at the same time, she openly talks about her battle with depression and anxiety. She doesn’t ever want anyone to feel alone and she tries to involve herself with as many campaigns and projects that involve supporting those with mental illness as possible.

Along with this, she also has this back and forth with affection. She either hates being touched or gravitates towards it, it really depends on her mental state at the time and the general relationship she has with the other person involved. It can be difficult, one day she’ll be ready to give you a bear hug and the next day, she’ll shake if you try to shake her hand.

On a more positive note, she tries to be as positive as she can, to a reasonable extent. She never wants to take life far too seriously but, obviously, doesn’t want to take it for granted either. She’s the type of person you go to if you want clear-headed advice but you don’t want to be talked down to at the same time. Or if you want ridiculous jokes while also getting some kind of pep-talk.

Really the mom-friend but probably won’t ever admit to being the mom friend.

EXTRA INFORMATION LINKS ;

blog’s full navigation;

you can find links to just about everything here.

full about page;

if you want statistics, a more in-depth background, extra facts, and some other things, you can find a bunch of stuff here.

spotify playlist;

a mess but, ay’ check it out.

pinterest board;

a highkey mess but, ay’ check it out too.

connections page;

my page with connection ideas, some are specific but most are really used as templates for plotting. i’ll also update this with any taken-current connections.

wanted connections tag & side blog;

i’m also terrible with coming up ideas so, I have a sideblog to reblog things for wanted connections ( the top link will lead to the tag ), but it also has a tag for extra muse posts if you’re interested.

This is officially too long for an intro so, I’m gonna’ end it there, but if there’s anything else you’d like to know about my bby bean that wasn’t on here or on any of her other pages, absolutely hit me up because I can ramble for hours tbh. And if you’d like to plot, 100% slide into my dms and we can figure something out, or if we had a plot before the revamp and you want to keep it — let me know and we can keep rolling with it ! Also, feel free to hit me up here or on d*scord @ katie#7666 for plotting and such ! 

[outspokensa]

(  bella  hadid.    cis  female.    she/her.  )  /  word  on  the  street  is  that  devin  bahar  was  just  signed  to  starlites.  you  know,  the  twenty-three-year-old  model  ?  according  to  everyone  around  town  they’ve  been  said  to  be  a  bit  withdrawn  &  a  workaholic,  but  i  guess  they  make  up  for  it  by  being  so  loyal  &  charismatic.  three  things  that  would  be  used  to  describe  them  would  be  messy  silk  sheets,  red  wine,  and  staying  in  on  a  saturday  night.  i  hope  they  keep  up  to  the  expectations  of  starlites  and  don’t  get  dropped  before  they  even  take  off  !  — bella  hadid  career  claim  !

I’d  like  to  first  apologize  for  the  mess  you’re  about  to  read  and  for  if  this  turns  into  a  rambling  mess.  I’m  going  to  attempt  to  keep  this  intro  short  since  I  have  a  few  other  links  /  spots  you  can  jump  to  if  you  want  to  read  /  learn  more  about  my  bby  bean.  Anywho,  I’m  Katie,  twenty-one,  in  the  cold  af  est  timezone,  and  I  use  she/her  pronouns.

intro  trigger  warnings:  mentions  of  parental  abandonment  and  rejection,  mentions  of  depression  and  anxiety.

✧  backstory

Devin  I.  Bahar  was  born  to  Isabella  Corine  Bahar,  an  ex-model  who  retired  when  she  got  married,  becoming  far  more  attracted  to  the  ‘rich  housewife,  bow  down  to  me’  aesthetic  than  continuing  to  work,  and  Damian  Ethan  Bahar,  a  lawyer  coming  from  a  long  line  of  family  lawyers  that  were  known  for  working  important,  high-profile  cases.

The  relationship  she  holds  with  her  mother  is  strained  due  to  the  woman’s  materialistic  nature  and  her  goal  of  marrying  off  her  daughter  for  as  much  money  as  possible.  Her  eyes  are  always  on  a  far  bigger  and  shinier  prize,  no  matter  how  good  her  life  already ��is.

Her  relationship  with  her  father,  miraculously,  is  healthier  than  the  one  she  has  with  her  mother,  simply  because  she  has  absolutely  no  relationship  with  the  male.  He  took  off  when  she  was  younger,  cutting  off  all  contact  with  his  daughter  without  a  second  thought  and  he  hadn’t  bothered  to  make  any  effort  to  try  and  have  a  relationship  with  her.

In  fact,  when  she  had  attempted  to  start  some  form  of  a  relationship  with  him  after  she  turned  eighteen,  he  completely  rejected  her  and  wanted  nothing  to  do  with  her  and  it  ripped  her  apart  far  more  than  she  was  willing  to  admit  to  herself  or  anyone  else.

Even  now,  she  isn’t  sure  if  the  complete  cut  in  contact  is  due  to  her  mother  or  if  it  was  simply  because  she  didn’t  live  up  to  his  expectations,  didn’t  deserve  his  love.  Either  way,  she  has  attempted  to  move  on  from  it  after  the  rejection,  even  if  she  still  has  that  small  hole  in  her  heart  over  it.

Due  to  how  strained  her  relationship  is  with  her  mother,  she  moved  out  of  the  household  the  day  she  turned  eighteen,  having  managed  to  save  up  enough  money  to  support  herself,  wanting  to  get  away  from  her  as  soon  as  possible.  However,  the  woman  is  still  her  mother  and  she  does  still  attempt  to  have  some  form  of  a  relationship  with  her,  even  if  it  sends  her  into  a  horrible  mindset  whenever  she  has  a  conversation  with  the  woman.

✧  career

She  first  began  modeling  at  the  age  of  16  for  a  commercial  project.  She  also  starred  in  the  "Swan  Sittings"  by  Lesa  Amoore,  alongside  actor  Ben  Barnes,  before  appearing  in  "Smoking  Hot"  by  Holly  Copeland.  She  also  modeled  for  Hanna  Hayes'  F/W  2013  collection,  alongside  various  other  commercial  projects,  including  campaign  work  for  Chrome  Hearts  during  2013  and  2014.

She  was  then  signed  to  IMG  Models  in  2014  and  her  career  started  shooting  off  from  there.

She  never  actually  planned  to  become  a  model,  she  actually  wanted  to  be  a  photographer  when  she  was  younger  and  planned  to  go  to  school  for  it.  When  it  came  to  the  point  where  her  focus  turned  towards  college,  she  ended  up  heading  towards  visual  arts,  fashion  design,  and  graphic  design.  Out  of  that,  she  discovered  her  passion  for  clothing  and  that’s  what  began  her  journey  of  designing  clothes,  a  project  she  started  along  with  her  modelling  career.

Since  the  start  of  her  career,  she  has  won  over  a  dozen  different  awards  that  range  over  her  multiple  different  career-interests.  Managing  to  make  a  name  for  herself  as  a  model  and  fashion  designer.

As  much  as  she  enjoys  photography,  she  puts  most  of  her  focus  onto  modelling  and  continuing  to  add  to  her  own  clothing  line  full-time.  This  leaves  photography  for  her  spare  time  as  more  of  a  hobby,  however,  she  does  step  in  to  help  other  high-profile  photographers  from  time-to-time.

✧  personality

She  identifies  as  pansexual  and  has  always  been  very  open  to  sharing  and  talking  about  her  sexuality.

Has  always  put  her  foot  forward  to  support  charities,  organizations,  and  projects  that  support  the  entire  LGBTQ  community.  Along  with  making  sure  to  put  her  focus  into  other  charities  and  organizations,  she’s  always  been  the  type  of  person  to  ‘give  back’  and  to  put  her  support  into  the  things  she  believes  in.

Devin  suffers  from  intense  depression  and  anxiety.  For  the  most  part,  you  would  never  know,  she  does  well  but,  every  once  in  a  while  she  goes  into  a  deep  rut.  She  won’t  talk  to  anyone,  doesn’t  want  anyone  around,  generally  entirely  depressing  and  doesn’t  want  to  bring  other  people  down  when  it  comes  to  it.  It  takes  a  lot  of  trust  and  a  special  type  of  friendship  for  her  to  allow  you  to  be  around  during  that  time  considering,  most  of  the  time,  she’ll  go  completely  off  the  grid  the  entire  time.  However,  at  the  same  time,  she  openly  talks  about  her  battle  with  depression  and  anxiety.  She  doesn’t  ever  want  anyone  to  feel  alone  and  she  tries  to  involve  herself  with  as  many  campaigns  and  projects  that  involve  supporting  those  with  mental  illness  as  possible.

Along  with  this,  she  also  has  this  back  and  forth  with  affection.  She  either  hates  being  touched  or  gravitates  towards  it,  it  really  depends  on  her  mental  state  at  the  time  and  the  general  relationship  she  has  with  the  other  person  involved.  It  can  be  difficult,  one  day  she’ll  be  ready  to  give  you  a  bear  hug  and  the  next  day,  she’ll  shake  if  you  try  to  shake  her  hand.

On  a  more  positive  note,  she  tries  to  be  as  positive  as  she  can,  to  a  reasonable  extent.  She  never  wants  to  take  life  far  too  seriously  but,  obviously,  doesn’t  want  to  take  it  for  granted  either.  She’s  the  type  of  person  you  go  to  if  you  want  clear-headed  advice  but  you  don’t  want  to  be  talked  down  to  at  the  same  time.  Or  if  you  want  ridiculous  jokes  while  also  getting  some  kind  of  pep-talk.

Really  the  mom-friend  but  probably  won’t  ever  admit  to  being  the  mom  friend.

✧  extra  information  and  links

blog’s  full  navigation;

you  can  find  links  to  just  about  everything  here.

full  about  page;

if  you  want  statistics,  a  more  in-depth  background,  extra  facts,  and  some  other  small  things,  head  on  over  to  her  about  page.

spotify  playlist;

it’s  a  mess  but,  i’m  always  a  big  fan  of  using  music  to  get  to  know  characters.

pinterest  board;

this  is  also  a  highkey  mess  but  you'll  be  able  to  find  organized  sections  for:  reflection,  exterior,  study,  aesthetic,  and  her  attire.

connections  page;

here’s  a  page  with  a  list  of  connection  ideas,  some  are  specific  but  most  i  tend  to  use  as  templates  for  plotting.  i’ll  also  update  this  with  any  connections.

wanted  connections  tag  &  inspo  blog;

i’m  also  terrible  at  coming  up  with  ideas  so,  i  have  a  sideblog  to  reblog  things  for  wanted  connections  (  the  link  leads  to  the  wanted  connections  tag  ),  but  it  also  has  a  tag  for  extra  muse  posts  if  you’re  interested.  i  might  actually  stop  being  lazy  and  use  some  of  these  as  inspo  links  on  my  connections  page  but  who  knows.

career  tag;

i  already  have  a  few  posts  in  here  (  and  a  few  in  my  queue  ),  if  you’re  interested.  but  devin  is  an  intense  workaholic  that  pushes  herself  far  more  than  what’s  healthy  so  i’m  pretty  sure  it’s  nearly  impossible  for  me  to  put  everything  she  has  ever  /  will  ever  work  on  in  there  but  oop  scoop.

okay,  i’m  going  to  stop  typing  now,  since  i’m  realizing  this  is  getting  longer  than  i  planned.  but  if  you’d  like  to  plot,  absolutely  feel  free  to  slide  into  my  dms  and  we  can  figure  something  out.  i’ve  got  some  coursework  i  waited  until  the  last  minute  to  start  (  again  )  so,  i’ll  be  jumping  on  and  off  while  i  try  to  get  a  good  bulk  of  it  done  !  you’re  also  totally  free  to  hit  me  up  on  d*scord  @  katie#7666  for  plotting  and  such  !

[unorthodoxsavvy]

An Unorthodox Update

Hello, friends, Romans, country-core-people... mutuals...

I’d like to take a minute to address this blog and the direction it’s been going in.

First let’s look at our roots.

I started this blog in November of 2016, about a month after I started dating my boyfriend (CretaceousHero, go give him a follow guys) and it was originally an MCR blog titled Welcome-To-The-Savvy-Parade (yeah it hurts to read for me too but there were good intentions). Around that time somewhere maybe like 2015 I had started watching Dan and Phil and my posts gravitated towards them and Bands™️. After a while I think I slowly changed over to mostly Dan and Phil under UnorthodoxSavvy, which has become my main branding everywhere, starting on here (Twitch, Twitter when I had one, Discord, other messaging systems, Pokémon go, AC: PC) and I use the name “Savvy” which I also went by IRL for a while and still kind of do I just don’t talk to as many people anymore. From there I was often lumped in with Dan and Phil blogs even though I never had an official Dan and Phil branding. Throw in some superheroes and tv shows, etc. I was even a front-runner for Phandom Meetups when those were a thing. Commenting on YOUR photos brought me happiness.

At some point I decided to split my content into two blogs, this one and my side blog. Both have a certain theme that are almost polar opposites when you compare them, but they are both me. I’m currently thinking of changing that url by the way as the joke has kind of died out. My content over there has also changed recently.

Dan and Phil have been posting less and less, which is OKAY. Personally I think that Dan can go do whatever the hell he wants and doesn’t owe us anything BUT I know that I’m in a minority of thinking that way. Even other YouTubers have suggested that not keeping up with your audience and telling them if you are still a YouTuber or what-not is kind of unfair, so, no offense, but hearing it from another YouTuber’s perspective makes me more inclined to see that you guys maybe aren’t as unfounded as I would have originally thought.

Either way, it’s clear that there is less DnP content out there which means less content for all DnP blogs, which I feel like puts me even more away from being labeled a “Dan and Phil” blog. I’ve never wanted to limit myself to just them though.

Over the past year or so I’ve grown into focusing more on posting nature, plants, “aesthetic” images, more positivity, more positive LGBT+ stuff. I’ve tried to step back from the discourse but that hasn’t always been successful. I’ve tried my best to put negative things on my other blogs but honestly sometimes I need to post on here about how lonely I am where people can see it. I’ve taken YOUR suggestions and I’ve tried to post more informational and positivity posts about things I am not in support of others: Trans and other gender identities, autistic post, psychotic and other mental illnesses that aren’t as well recognized/more stigmatized, etc.

The feeling I wish to convey on this blog I guess is a sense of peace and purity with information and a non-nonsense tollerance of hatred with some positivity and jokes here and there. Does that make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say through all of this is I don’t really know where this blog is headed right now. Some content you can expect to see if I keep up with the blog is Queer Eye, LGBTQ+ things, plants, animals, photography, art, information, etc. If anyone has any other suggestions please feel free to throw them out. Tell me what you do/don’t like.

I say if I keep up with this blog because right now Tumblr Mobile’s new notification system has pushed me towards turning off all of my notifications on my phone for this app. That means if I get an ask, if I get a message, I am not seeing it right away because even if I had them turned on it would be swept in with all of the likes, reblogs, and comments and buried. By nature I’m not being as active on this blog.

I would hate to throw away everything I’ve worked for on here and though it’s hard for me to believe I think some of you might actually miss me if I just threw it all away. I had a good 3 days last week of constant hate in my inbox and notifications so that was fun too. Whatever man.

If you’re interested in any of my other interests like The Umbrella Academy, Stranger Things, Dark Egos, Vulture Culture, BFU, Cryptids, Superheroes, the general post about me complaining about people, feel free to follow what is currently @shes-demons-jim but will probably change soon.

Some of you may also know that Emory and I have finally opened a few online shops which I run the PR for. I follow many of the same blogs on there and drop by YOUR inboxes from time to time spreading the positivity I used to on here, but kind of slacked off on. From there I was to comment on your photos and lift you up. Though we are a store, we are us, Savvy ans Emory, dating for almost 4 years, have had your backs since day 1 and hope you have ours too. If you don’t know our shop’s proceeds are going to raise money for his top surgery, as he’s getting older now and it’s more of an option and because dysphoria sucks. Which I’m sure a lot of you relate to (and I feel for you I can’t even imagine). Also the blog for that is @unorthodox-hero-shop feel free to go check it out there will be more designs up today.

If I’ve missed any asks or messages over the past week or so, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t feel like being as active as much because Tumblr gets worse and worse. People on here suck and I would hate to leave you all to the wolves ;) (I’ve been seeing some rough posts lately yikes).

Also who else do I have to bitch to about people??? So there! You can keep me around so I can bitch to you guys!! Look her real personality came through ya’ll.

Anyway I hope you’re having a great day as usual I don’t expect anyone to read this, it’s more for me then anything else I guess, have a nice day, see you over on my other blogs as well 👋🏻

[skruffie]

It’s not the anniversary yet, but it IS National Siblings Day and I conveniently forget that this is even a thing until I go on Facebook or Twitter or something and remember. This year is a big milestone for my family because it is the 18th anniversary, which marks a passage of time from now to forever where she has been gone longer than she was alive.

I saw this thing on Facebook about grief, and it went something like grief is this hole, and you can try to fill the hole with whatever you can, but nothing fills it. It’s bottomless. It seems like your entire life gets sucked into it, but eventually as the years go on... the hole doesn’t get smaller. Your life gets bigger, and it grows around it. The hole is always there, but there’s more expanse around it as you move through each anniversary, each holiday, each milestone. It’s similar to describing grief as “it doesn’t get easier, you just get better at coping”.

(This is going to be very long and probably very sad because I talk at great length about her life and death)

I tried to write about a little bit about Nicole on Twitter today, but my initial post mentioned the word “cancer” which caught the attention of this fucking asshole that was advertising faith healing on his timeline. That dulled my grief a bit but it sure made me mad.

Trying to remember things.

We were seven years apart so we never really had a sibling rivalry or anything. I actually looked up to her so much--she was like a teenage rock star to my child self. She loved writing and wrote lots of poetry, got published in an independent zine by age nine, and through her adolescence was a bit of a grunge punk. She played piano and bass. She wore combat boots. Occasionally she dressed up with the full make-up and everything and called them her “pretty days”. She had a lock of hair in front of her face she kept in a small braid. She did blogging before the word “blog” even existed by maintaining an email list of friends and family, and she would email her updates directly to them. She coded her own websites and experimented with graphic design. She did photography. She’s why I love nail polish and tarot cards and Doc Martens--her own boots had navy blue laces with suns and moons on them. She had a huge, huge crush on Dave Navarro. She would buy hostess cupcakes for the kids at school who didn’t have food, and she kicked her own friends out of our house when they tried to bring alcohol to her party.

Nicole grew up with the brunt of our parents’ addictions before I came along. My mom (seen with baby Nicole in one of the photos above) and dad were only 19 when they had her and got married. When she was younger, they actually split up for a while and I think my great-grandma helped take care of her. My parents both went to rehab, got back together, and then had me, so... I was the baby that grew up in a sober house for a while at least. My parents still argued and it bothered me a lot when I got a bit older, so she’d come get me and take me to her room and bring chips and bean dip, and I’d have a safe place to cry.

...That’s a thought I just had right there. After she died, I didn’t really have that same kind of shield from my parents fighting (which was a lot worse after her death--a lot of couples who lose a child end up divorcing and my parents came close), which I think is probably what made the emotional neglect worse.

I don’t remember the exact progression of her cancer, but things started getting noticeable when she started developing night-blindness. I think at the time there were some doctors that didn’t believe she could be getting cancer so getting the insurance to cover tests and treatment was a fight every single time. A tumor started growing in her left arm, and the diagnosis was finally clear: rhabdomyosarcoma. She asked the doctors after her diagnosis if it was genetic, because even after that, she thought of me. (Thankfully, it isn’t. It was just a stupid, cruel twist of the universe.)

She got chemo, started to go into remission, and eventually it came back. Nicole then got a stem cell transplant when it was getting worse--more tumors, etc etc. I had met with a grief counselor at the hospital once or twice during this time period, even before we knew for sure it was terminal, because I was 10 going on 11 and needed someone to help me process and also like... kinda pay attention to me? Admitting that feels weird, but I was just a kid.

The day that I found out that the stem cell transplant didn’t work is probably almost worse than the day she died for me. They brought in a minister and we sang “Amazing Grace” and I watched her be baptized, and while she was being anointed, I kept asking everyone “Why is she being baptized? Why??? Why?! We’re Wiccan!!” Which was true. Nicole also underwent a Wiccaning around this time. Everyone was ignoring my questions, until finally it was time. She told me the stem cell transplant had not been successful and broke down crying, and I immediately understood what that meant, and I started screaming and crying. I started screaming to see the grief counselor, and I had to leave the hospital room to go with the counselor down to my favorite spot on the hospital campus.

Fuck. I hate Easter. I fucking hate Easter. It was around Easter time and this holiday plays a role in this awful memory of mine: at the hospital, some very kind person made little easter baskets for all the kids that were on the juvenile cancer ward, and I even got to get one even though I wasn’t a patient. I was starting to open mine but Nicole just looked at it. She said “Why do I get one? Why do I get one when I’m going to--” and probably started crying. I put my basket aside because the thrill of like... easter chocolate or whatever the fuck was gone. I don’t think I’ve been able to enjoy this holiday since.

Make A Wish was involved at some point, obviously. NIcole’s original wish was to meet Tori Amos, but her management team responded with “Uhhh, Tori doesn’t really do that” which was disappointing at first. (A few years later, a couple of Nicole’s friends saw T live in concert and met her at a meet and greet. They told her Nicole’s story and I guess she had no idea actually, so I believe it was a decision firmly on the management’s side.). The next wish had to be rushed, and Nicole realized that she wanted to go to prom. The actual senior prom for her high school was going to be too far out in advance with her surviving that long, so Make A Wish threw together a special prom just for her and about 150+ attendees.

The prom was held at Newport Harbor on a yacht. Rebecca Schoenkopf of Wonkette, known in 2001 as CommieGirl for the OC Weekly, met with Nicole once prior to this and attended as a prom guest to write about it. Naturally, Nicole was crowned prom queen and when she stood up to receive the crown, it was something magical. She had spent most of the evening in and out of sleep from being so ill and from the medications she was on.

When she was dying, she wanted to be at the hospital. I stayed at my grandparent’s house... probably for a couple days, I don’t actually remember how long it was, and my parents were there for her. I believe she died in the early hours of the morning on April 30th, two days short of her 18th birthday. I had a moment that morning that I consider a small blessing, which is that I found out she was gone before anyone had actually told me, and it gave me a brief reprise to just be by myself while I gathered up my will to go downstairs and face my parents. I had been in the process of going downstairs, and I saw my mom come out of the bathroom, and that was it. That was all I needed to see.

She had them write a letter as her own personal message to me. Two days later for her 18th birthday, my cousin sent us 18 lavender balloons. I don’t think we had her memorial until the 11th of May and I know this because it was the same day Douglas Adams--one of Nicole’s favorite authors--died. We joked that she took him with her. Nicole was cremated, and I do remember there was at least one funny moment that morning as we were getting out of the car. My mom handed me the wooden box that had Nicole’s cremains in it and said “Here, hold your sister for a sec.” We got a touch of that grave humor in my family.

One of the hardest things about this... hole of grief, is aging. My parents are in their mid 50s now, and I’m going to be 30 next year. I don’t have any other siblings to help take care of my parents. My mom rather flippantly says “Oh, put us in a nursing home”, but that just feels so bleak. I don’t have my sister with me to help with my wedding, to meet Zack or any of my friends, to talk to about our past and our future. She’s not here to kick ass and build amazing apps or tear down the patriarchy or be on the ground reporting the latest news break. There’s so many milestones I’ve already crossed without her but I am always going to miss her.

Bon swayr, ma souer.

[a-for-anne-blog-blog]

My Rather Long Review of Everyone’s 5 Blog Choices

I. Cool Class Blogs 1. Aapeli R:  All-thats-interesting   2. Missy : Boston &  Boston City Archives 3. Michele : Health and fitness motivator & endless puppies 4. Marc: sailnavy 5. Michael: American Great Outdoors, Wooden dreams, This is Why Your Fat 6. Zoe: Zelda-fitzgerald, everthingfox, fashion 7. Jesper: Cartoonpolitics, ifpaintingscouldtext 8. Julius: smartstockcharts 9. M. Karow: killarhouses & obsessedwithgoldens 10. Casey: BostonBruins & Positivityadvocate

II. The Top 8

The Top ones for me  in descending order are : 1.  Ifpaintingscouldtext, 2. Boston City Archives, 3.  Health and Fitness Motivator, 4. American Great Outdoors, 5. Cartoon Politics, 6. Positivity Advocate, 7. Sail Navy &  8. killarhouses

b. More in-depth  

So as I did this post a little early, I didn’t get to catch everyone’s blog following so there may or may not be an update to this post. I am going to start in this paragraph by just doing a rundown reaction to all the cool class blogs I saw. First  All thats interesting  followed by Aapeli, I thought was a bit odd but interesting it sort of had a rabbit hole effect in that you wanted to understand what you were seeing or to actually see more. Second Missy followed the Boston page which also being a fellow Bostonian I think you forget sometimes to really appreciate whats around you and its beauty like train tracks over Chestnut Hill Station, Ive seen a hundred times quickly driving by but really seeing it from this photographers angle makes you think about it differently, so I loved that! Missy also followed Boston City Archives, which I found to be super interesting, you learn so much about the cities history its crazy to see how drastic it has changed since the 19th century and all the documents are in themselves just wicked cool! Next Michele followed Health and Fitness Motivator, which I found the graphics to be perhaps an effective visual that could inspire me to actually work out and make miracles happen. She also followed endless puppies and really who would complain about that lovely dose of cuteness every other day! Next I salute Marc’s interest in SailNavy very noble and an interesting page with what looks like a lot of good information about sailing and the Navy. At number five we have Michael who followed American Great Outdoors which having been to Yellowstone , The Grand Canyon , & The Badlands , I can attest to their beauty and I personally love to learn about them and have a desire to see many more and Yellowstone again because it was maybe some of the best days of my life at least thus far, so great page haha! He then followed Wooden dreams which is a cool page about nature which I think is awesome because nature is awesome so 100 points to you sir haha ! Last one that I thought was cool that Michael followed was This is Why Your Fat and everyone likes food but that is just such a funny but true title that I was like wow haha I have to like this one too good! Then I moved to Zoe’s and I have to say at first I go really excited when I saw Zelda Fitzgerald but although it is not really related to Scott’s wife it is still a pretty good page with great photography as did the other page she followed everything fox which is another awesome name for a blog and a cool invite into foxes!?! Lastly Zoe followed Fashion which is one of my biggest passions , you may not be able to tell by the way I rock sweats and oversize sweaters now days but tis true, I am all about the ever evolving art of dress. Next I looked at Jesper’s followings and I was a fan of both CartoonPolitics and Ifpaintingscouldtext, both are really different, interesting, out of the box, witty, funny and creative! I then moved to Julius who followed smartstockcharts and I thought that was an interesting, different and practical choice. Next up is Michael K. Who like a few others also gushed over puppies because you really can’t go wrong and I appreciated Killarhouses living with an architect and being into different houses which are really a functional art and many of them are really beautiful so that was cool.  Last but not least is Casey who followed the Boston Bruins which is of course a good choice haha and I really like positive advocates because it was bright , colorful, different and sometimes its just nice to have a reminder that you’ve got this so I liked that. And thats a VERY long wrap run down on every ones now Ill briefly, if possible for me, talk about my favs!

So here comes the favorites rundown and hopefully this will be a lot shorter! First my absolute favorite was ifpaintingscouldtext, I just thought that was really humorous and creative its different and it brings a lot of thought and positive energy to it! I also love art so that may be another reason I appreciate that as well! Second was Boston City Archives, because first off I didn’t even know or would have never thought of that as a blog and I just find that wicked cool and interesting, a really great resource to be able to look at some of those documents in a tech public environment ! Third up is Health and Fitness Motivator, I mean the graphics were just so convincing! I wanted to get a smoothie wear Lulu lemon and jump on a treadmill after looking at the posts haha so it could be effective and if nothing else inspirational! American Great Outdoors is another blog I never would have thought to look up but in which I think any one can really find a sense of beauty and value in, they truly are remarkable and I love to learn about them so I thought it was a great pick! Next up is Cartoon Politics which was another out of the box kind of pick but one that is creative, witty and you can in someways learn from it so I thought it was interesting pick! Positive Advocates was another great page I really loved the artsy graphics, the color schemes and the overall joyful positivity which I think is important to see and hear !  SailNavy was another page I wouldn’t have thought of but it is also really interesting and a chunk of history in public domain which is really nice and it also teaches viewers a little about Navy ships which being more into sailing and different kinds of ships I found that to be interesting and then the fact that it has also a personal tie I thought was rather noble. Lastly, Killarhouse I liked because the art of architecture and it's the sort of page I thought about following myself because as I said earlier there really is a beauty to a building and so many dimensions and ways to see it and then of course we also use and live within these spaces of art so its kinda interesting and cool to look at.

III. In common with Me

1. Travel Blogs - Michele & Marc? 2. Music and quotes is a page I followed last class as I also love music Michele & Marc? 3.  Memes or Jokes - Zoe, Julius,  Marc , M. Karow & Casey ( I think Casey and I followed the same joking page!?!) 4.  Inspirational Quotes - Marc and I

b. More In-depth

It was funny this time around how many people were thinking the same things I was compared to the last class! This time Both Michele , I think Marc and I followed a travel blog. All three of us also followed the same page Music and Quotes , I followed that last class but found it to be a good page and kinda funny that people in this class found it to be as interesting as I did kinda a coincidental moment. Both Marc and I followed Inspirational quote pages which was pretty cool. And lastly soooo many people followed either meme or joking pages Zoe, Julius, Marc, Michael, Casey and I so I guess they are on board with wanting to have the craic ! And thats a finally a wrap guys on blog reactions!

[mommymadnez]

Ladies and gentlemen… I may have gone missing for awhile… However I am alive. There were times I did not think I was going to remain that way but I am still here. Was I losing my mind? Maybe just a little. Even had a couple surgeries. Which you would think would have allowed me the downtime to write but I think I was scared to put myself out there since I was going through a lot. In the midst of all that was going on my computer was becoming ancient, like 2009 ancient. Don’t get me wrong, my Mac is incredible but trying to type a small paragraph was taking an eternity. And sure, I could do it from my phone, a lot of my blogs start in my notes app. But sometimes I just like the feel of really typing, ya know? And it helps keep you sharp.

Plus I’m good at it. And I think sometimes my mind and my fingertips create an orchestra of thoughts, sounds, and rhythm all on their own. So now I sound crazy so let’s just say it’s therapeutic. So when my computer started getting wonky and my life got crazier, taking care of me and doing what I needed or wanted to do for myself kind of stopped mattering. So the blog, my photography, art, just about all my creative outlets took a back seat. BUT NOW…. My tools are working and I am thrilled with them. So now I have no excuses. (aside from working and raising 3 kids)

Usually my blogs are about my kids and my parenting struggles and breakthroughs but I think today its gonna be about me. We lose ourself in parenting, being a spouse, working, and all the other hats we are required to wear, I swear. I worry so much about putting all of everyone else’s needs before my own that I have truly lost sight of myself and who I am and what I NEED. But I think as moms we are all guilty of this from time to time. The thing that really has hit a nerve with me is that I was someone before I was a wife and mother. I know I may not have been the greatest version of myself but my needs came first back then. I wasn’t defined by who my children are and who I married. I was just me. Wild, spastic, living out in space some where, me. Unapologetically me.

Back in the day going out with my friends, we would pretty much have fun no matter where we went or what we did because we were all so wild and full of life and hope. I may have leaned a little on the annoying, loud and wild side. So it blows my mind to think back on all those teenage and early 20 days and then look now to my lack of socialization with the outside world and my anxiety riddled life as of late. Do not get me wrong, working from home is AHHH-mazing and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But whether I work with people in a virtual office or a physical one I do not believe it is the cure for bringing the old vibrant me back. So I definitely would not change that aspect of my life. Especially since I already struggle being a “people person.” Dealing with the public everyday in physical form would probably have me ripping my hair out. Plus you can’t really put people on hold in real life.

I always viewed my self as very plain Jane-ish. So a lot of what I felt I lacked physically I would try to make up for by being comedic relief… Or, someone who could take you for a ride in my Blue Beast making you forget all your problems by jammin to some gangster rap cruising through town… maybe we’d head a half hour outta town if we were feeling rebellious.  Probably just ended up at Walmart since we we minors. But hey, we got to go off the grid. We didn’t have cell phones to constantly keep us connected to everyone we know. Our parents couldn’t pull us up on the GPS. It felt free. Life felt full of joy and hope for the future. Even the bad days didn’t last very long because we were young. Our minds and hearts (and our skin) could bounce back a whole lot faster. I love my life as a mother do not get me wrong but every once in awhile I miss those carefree days. I miss only worrying about keeping myself alive.

I took care of me, numero uno. My future, my goals those were all things that mattered so much and were suppose to shape who I was to become as a grown adult. It was about what would make me find my happiness. My hopes and dreams of my young adult days did not pan out quite as expected. I had an idea of what my life would look like and I never imagined it would turn out the way it did. It is more than I ever could have imagined a life to be. I didn’t know unconditional love until I had children. And as painful as that love can be sometimes I would never give up experiencing this current life.

You learn to embrace those changes you didn’t see coming. That broken road that led you in a path you couldn’t in your wildest dreams have imagined. You accept those changes knowing that God had a purpose and a hand in all of this.

I see now I was not meant to be the Audrey Hepburn look alike I wanted to be. Guess I just don’t have the legs… I would never be as tall or thin or fancy! But that’s the life I thought I wanted. Ah! Breakfast at Tiffanys. I wanted a life in the big city. Fast, crazy times, studio apartments, cocktail parties, fancy dresses. And I wouldn’t have dared to own a yard. I can not mow worth a crap… So I got married! Ha!!! That’s just jokes, I married him because I can’t open pickle jars by myself. 2Liters can be tricky too! 😉

ANYWAYS! those of you who know me know I am by no means a successful artist living a fancy lifestyle. I moved back to my small home town. I’m a mom of three wild children who works at home and rarely gets dressed. My getting dressed requires my “goin out” yoga pants. They usually pair nicely with a sweater boots combo… But don’t let the nice looking sweater fool you. All my sweaters have some form of stains living on them somewhere. Probably throw up. So yeah definitely envisioned a different lifestyle.

So we embrace these new chapters in life. This chapter involves a whole lot more balance and a whole lot more people to feed, clothe and keep alive. When I truly think about it though, those old days of only keeping me alive were so long ago that the memories have really began to fade. My brain really only has room for so many memories at a time. I am getting more and more aware of my age and my sanity as my mind has slowly started slipping away.

I do see little pieces of the fun crazy me I use to be begin to creep out from time to time when I play with my kids. When I do things that are silly and out of character for mama they look at me strangely at first but then burst out laughing and just look at me again like, who is this woman? And what has she done with our mean mother? I have come to the realization that, this family, these people I live with, who know so much about me now, know absolutely nothing about who I was prior to their existence. I mean they know the 2019 me so well they like to mimic my laugh… and the way I brush my teeth and my hair… or the way I wrap a towel around my head! “I’m mama! Look at me!” That’s what they say when they are making fun of me. Which is usually a lot.

  I try to teach them a little about who I am through music I loved. I find time to play my favorites for them. In the car, or the tub, I don’t force it, I just let them listen and absorb.

So of course my heart melted the other day as we listened to Fleetwood Mac and my daughter asked me to send her the song! She is 100% my complete mini clone… SUPER SENSITIVE! She loves to sing, dance, use her imagination and draw. She is just all around happy and in love with life and the entire world around her. She reminds me a great deal of the old me. The one I seem to have lost. The other day I watched her as she slept and couldn’t stop thinking of how I want her to always stay carefree, creative and in love with life. I don’t want the weight of the world, the stress of families and relationships, others expectations, finances, or work to steal her joy. I always remind her of how beautiful, smart and funny she is and to never believe anyone if they tell her different. I truly believe she will be okay because she is fierce and I know that she will never let anyone or anything kill that spark and the joy within her.

So that brings me full circle to how do I find my lost joy? It sure wasn’t in that last jar of peanut butter I smashed. Yes of course, I find joy that I’m live, living and breathing right now. I also embrace the joy I find in my family and lifes other random little miracles. But is there a way to bring back a carefree spirit after years of isolation, anxiety, depression and stressors? Or the candy dishes of medications that did a number on me. They were suppose to either make me happy or make me want to die. Boy that seems like a great kind of drug/illness to take such a gamble on, right? Not like we are talking about pills for, uhm, the gout. Legit Mental health medications, prrrretttty much all of them have the possibility to cause suicidal ideations. Imagine those people who are already at their breaking point finally reaching out to a doctor for help; “Suicidal? Ah yes! Try this… It may make you feel better but your body might start to get tremors, you may have blurred vision and don’t forget the risk of erectile dysfunction. Oh, and you’ll also gain 50 pounds……… or it could make you want to kill yourself… even more… The kicker is, ya never know! You must give this drug 6-8 weeks for it to take affect. So here ya go! Have fun! May want to warn your family. Here take this pamphlet with 175 side effects to look out for” Oh boy… we will not journey down this road because that is more of a novel than a blog post.

With that being said, feel free to let me know if anyone wants to hear some crazy stories about my journey into the world of mental health in America. I got plenty. Boy I can tell ya we are missing the mark as a society when addressing mental health. There I go again, I must digress… This was not the point of the blog post. It’s actually suppose to be more like, “Hey hi! I’m going try to be back and write and take pictures on a regular basis, but, ya know… I got ADHD and tend to get easily distracted.”

So for those of you who actually read this super dope awesome long post, what do you do for yourself that brings you joy? Parenting and family aside, I want to know what you do for you?

I use to run and do yoga but I recently had a couple surgeries that didn’t go as greatly as anticipated so those stress releasing activities are currently on hold. I am going to try to get back into my writing and photography. Maybe the guitar some more. I have done some drawings recently and it felt really good. So I feel like I’m kinda headed in the right direction. I have hope that I am still buried deep inside of me in this shell of a former version of myself just waiting to come out and feel confident, joyful, and just be me again. I want my kids to know I was someone before I was “mama.” and I want to feel like that someone again. I need to learn more balance and how to put my oxygen mask on first because lately I’m struggling to breath and I think everyone else may be struggling because of it.

I put on a zip up hoodie the other day that was my absolute favorite in high school. It brought back some great memories, and side note, made me pretty freakin excited it fit me just as good, if not better, than it did before. It makes me pretty nervous putting all this out there after being MIA for so long. I feel like it sounds like a pity party like “woah is me… I don’t act all fun and crazy and hyper anymore and I have no energy and I have been known to… on occasion… yell… I feel old and crotchety, blah get off my lawn!”

At the same time I needed to start somewhere and why just dip my toe in? Midaswell just type out what is on my mind. Hopefully this helps anyone else out there struggling with some of the same thoughts I’ve had lately. I want my kids to realize I’m more than just good at the way I can cut a peanut butter sandwich. Theres more behind the weary worn down personality you have known the past few years. Now let’s go find her!

  Hello World It’s me, again… Ladies and gentlemen... I may have gone missing for awhile... However I am alive. There were times I did not think I was going to remain that way but I am still here.