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gimme-mor · 3 years ago

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ACOTAR THINK PIECE: ELAIN ARCHERON, UNTOUCHABLE

*DISCLAIMER*

This will be a long post.

Please take the time to read this post in its entirety and truly reflect on the message I am trying to send before commenting. My goal is to use my background in Gender and Women’s Studies to deconstruct the comments I have seen on Tumblr and Twitter and bring awareness to the ACOTAR fandom.

The reason I am tagging “Elriel” in this post is to call attention to the arguments in the Elriel fandom that: weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions about Elain’s character and her relationship with Lucien; victimize Elain’s character in fandom discussions; and coddle Elain’s character, which limits fandom discussions about her narrative development and prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions in the same way that the fandom holds other characters accountable for their actions and inactions. It is for these reasons that I WILL NOT remove the “Elriel” tag from this post because all of the above points contribute to the toxic discourse surrounding Elain’s character.

I urge those who use these arguments to understand their implications, why they are problematic, regardless of intent, and reexamine their contributions to the ACOTAR fandom. I WILL NOT tolerate anyone who tries to twist my words and say I am attacking people and their personal shipping preferences. In fact, I AM CRITIQUING THE ARGUMENTS THEMSELVES NOT THE PEOPLE USING THE ARGUMENTS.

Also, I highly encourage the Elriel fandom to read this post because it addresses how the concept of choice as an argument enables arguments to exploit social justice and feminist languge in order to vilify Elucien shippers, among other problematic things.

Elain Archeron is one of the most polarizing characters in the ACOTAR fandom. Though opinions about Elain vary, arguments in the Elriel fandom cite society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters as the reason behind the hate, and this belief is used to provide an explanation as to why other characters in the series are favored over her. In the series, Elain is portrayed in a wholly positive light and this image carries over into the Elriel fandom, painting her character as a good and kind female who has been unfairly wronged and a victim of circumstances that were out of her control. When arguments in the Elriel fandom oppose other viewpoints in the fandom, they fall into one of three categories:

Category 1: Weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions

Maybe people who hate Elain are just jealous of her in a weird way similar to when someone hates the pretty, nice, and charming girl in school just because she is too perfect

Disliking Elain is misogynistic

What happened to feminism? What happened to women supporting women? What happened to she can say no? All of that disappears the second you force Elain to be with Lucien

Elain antis are misogynistic

All Eluciens are Elain antis

Antis claiming they’re feminists when in reality they hate on Elain and Feyre but love Nesta

Elain antis are such sore losers. Y’all were that bunch of people who could not get over being rejected from hanging out with the cool kids so y’all are projecting your hatred towards pretty people now to get validation

I don’t get how Elain’s love for gardening equals boring for some people. I’m sorry your misogyny finds traditionally feminine activities boring

Why are you attacking a female? What did Elain do? Where are your feminist voices?

The fandom is misogynistic towards Elain

If people loved Elain they would ship Elriel

If you hate Elain it says a lot about your feelings toward women

If you hate Elain because she has no “development” then you must hate Azriel because otherwise you’re misogynistic

Eluciens are turned off by the idea of a woman that has the autonomy to reject a man for the simple reason that it is her choice

Eluciens are all about feminism and “it’s HER choice” until it comes down to females not wanting a male

Eluciens don’t respect Elain’s feelings when they ship her with someone that was part of her trauma and makes her feel uncomfortable

The way some Elucien shippers completely disregard how uncomfortable Elain is around Lucien is so hilariously not funny. Prioritizing being mates over Elain’s feelings is just regressive

It’s hard as a fan of Elain to see someone ship her with a person who makes her physically uncomfortable to be around. Wouldn’t you want both characters to be happy to be around each other

Imagine if SJM saw all the awful things her “stans” had to say about Elain

It’s true that we know comparatively little about her, but is she really boring or do you just not value stereotypically feminine traits?

So y’all are just gonna tell me you prefer Elucien over Elriel? Even though Lucien treats Elain as if she’s something that belongs to him? The only reason he wants to be with her is because she’s his mate, he doesn’t respect her, doesn’t treat her as his equal, even though that’s what mates should be? He doesn’t bother to look past what’s on the outside to see her for who she is. And Elain is obviously repulsed by the idea that she should belong to anyone or have no choice in who she can be with. Azriel is her friend and the only person who sees her quiet strength. He has so much faith in her, in her abilities; he’s the one who kept her company when no one else did, he’s the only one who bothered to see her for more than her brokenness. You’re going to tell me you still prefer Elucien over Elriel?

The more I see Gwynriels that ship Elucien out of their hate for Elain, the less I can understand Elain stans that ship Elucien. Pls Elain has made it very clear that she doesn’t want Lucien, why would you ship her with him? Do you hate her too? Smh

The real question would be, if you care and understand Elain why would you ship her with Lucien (where she canonically shrinks when he is near)?

People crying over Helion and Lucien’s mom not getting to be with each other and her being forced into a relationship she didn’t want, but also ship Elucien? Just say you hate Elain

When Elain’s book is out, Gwyn stans will look like clowns and I will laugh because they set her up by shipping her with Azriel just because they hate Elain. Watch them play the victims now because Elriels are clapping back the hate they’ve sent towards Elain

As romantic as wanting girl who is visibly uncomfortable around a guy who caused her trauma to end up with the said guy. Guess their standards for romance are in hell

Category 2: Victimize Elain’s character

Gwynriels only want Gwyn with Azriel because they despise Elain

Gwyn stans and Gwynriels are Elain antis

No one in the books dislike Elain, so why are there so many people who do?

Elain hasn’t done anything wrong or questionable to warrant the hate she gets

Not having Elain’s POV makes it easy for people to be swayed a certain way about her character if you already don’t relate to her in some way

It’s been years since this series came out and we haven’t gotten a lick of an Elain POV, but people still hate her for what? We don’t know her thoughts, dreams, or aspirations

We haven’t even had Elain’s perspective yet and people are passing these judgments off on her

Elain antis who say she’s boring are just cruel when she has obvious symptoms of PTSD like Feyre and Nesta

Gwyn is one of the most overhyped characters and that’s only because most people hate Elain and they couldn’t wait to find a random girl to ship Azriel with

Nesta was abusive to her sisters but Elain (who has only ever been kind) is painted as the villain

From the text we know that Elain is the epitome of feminine stereotypes (gentle, gardening, baking, non confrontational for the most part). Yet people still call her boring or deny that she has any interesting character traits?

You can’t love Nesta and hate Elain

People hate Elain because of internalized misogyny and lack of taste. All the girl does is tend to her garden and mind her business and they treat her worse than Tamlin

Does Gwyn deserve all this support? Of course yes! She is amazing! But where’s that support when Elain was in the same situation as she? Where’s that support for her right now? Why do they idolize Gwyn for her interactions with Azriel and hate Elain for having any interaction with him?

It’s not even a ship war anymore, they just hate Elain

People hate Elain for no reason

Some of y’all don’t like feminine traits and it shows

We know less about Eris and Helion but people don’t call them boring. Why would rejecting femininity make Elain more interesting?

Elain has had a lot forced upon her

The main reason I believe most people love Gwyn so much is to get Azriel away from Elain. It’s not a secret that Elain has been a widely hated character for years so suddenly we get a new female who has a minimal amount of interactions with Azriel and BOOM. New ship that once again doesn’t make sense (just like Azriel x Emerie after ACOFAS)

Elain hasn’t done something so terrible for her to get this hate. At this point some of you are just being misogynistic and you don’t want to accept it. Don’t call yourselves feminists and then say bs like this, it’s embarrassing. She’s pretty and everyone agreed to hate on her

Just a personal feeling, but I feel like a lot of the Elain hate stems from internalized misogyny. That to be a strong female lead, you need to pick up a sword and fight. That to be strong, you need to adapt traditionally masculine traits

Elain is feminine. She is beautiful. She loves to bake and garden. She is docile, quiet, observant, and a people-pleaser. All traditionally feminine traits. Yet for some reason, she’s like the worst in these people’s eyes?

I think also maybe a lot of people can’t relate to her femininity? That her being so beautiful and quiet doesn’t allow for the people who dislike her not to self-insert? Most of the hate stems from people not wanting Elain to be with Azriel. It’s mean, but maybe the people who hate Elain literally just can’t self-insert if they have a story and that’s why they’re vehemently against it?

Poor Elain. The Cauldron dealt her a bad deal. Upon emerging as Fae, she is immediately declared by Lucien as his mate, never mind that she was already engaged to a prick. Her love life is not good

It blows my mind how they really think that they can compare all the shit that Elain gets with some dumb jokes about Gwyn on Twitter (and yes, the “hate” towards her started mostly because Elriels are clapping back, it was bound to happen)

I would think of it as anti-feminist with Elain and Lucien because she has consistently stated that she does not want him so if she was forced to embrace the bond that would be taking away her right to have a choice but with Az she feels comfortable around so if they were mates then Elain would be happy and feel safe which again should be the priority for women to feel safe in their relationships with anything and to not be forced into any type of situation aka the mating bond in this

Category 3: Coddle Elain’s character

Elain has value the way she is, in all her domestic girly glory. Not every character has to be badass

We don’t speak of Elain’s flaws frequently because everyone else already speaks badly of her, mainly in an unfair way

There is definitely something deeper going on with Elain but by no means will she ever be evil or any less feminine. That goes against everything we already know about her

It’s ok to critique Elain because she needs growth but y’all keep forgetting the shit her and her sisters went through

The last “bad” thing Elain did in ACOTAR was not help Feyre when they were impoverished and I’m tired of people acting like she’s a terrible character when it was their father’s responsibility. It happened 4 books ago and Feyre has forgiven both Nesta and Elain

Elain’s character and the evil Elain theory are a great example of the trend where people only consider female characters interesting if they reject femininity

We don’t know enough to hate Elain

Many people want Elain to turn evil (which in my opinion seems to come from a place of internalized misogyny)

However we don’t tend to talk about her faults, at least not publicly, as that has been, and still is, done to death, and I--personally, at least--find it much more fun to theorise about potentially interesting aspects of the overall plot, than dwell on negatives

And ultimately, I would be shocked if Elain has a more karmically-charged story than Nesta, considering that Elain’s “wrongs” are so much less severe and bad than Nesta’s, and Elain has already apologized for them (or paid the price in other ways, like through what Graysen did)

I guess I also think Elain has suffered and been punished enough. I hope her story is about finding hope in terrible situations, and learning to love her new life, and choosing her own path after everything that has been done to her. I don’t think she needs to be punished anymore or face any additional trauma

Also, why is she being judged on her decisions as a human at all? Fae are monsters to humans! They enslaved them for thousands of years, and the Wall was erected to keep them out

Like I’m sorry, but think Elain would want to leave her ONLY FAMILY AND FRIENDS for the Spring Court where she has no one because--oh look, lots of flowers!--is the craziest thing I have ever heard

Her sisters are in the Night Court. Her nephew is in the Night Court. Her closest friends (Nuala and Cerridwen) are in the Night Court. Her love interest is in the Night Court. Her extended family is in the Night Court. Her home is in the Night Court

SJM isn’t going to keep two sisters together and split up the third. Especially not keep Feyre and Nesta together and separate Elain. They were either all going to end up in separate places, or together. Not 2 here and 1 there

Compared to the other female characters in the series, Elain is the only character whose femalehood is at the center of conversations; this is because arguments in the Elriel fandom fixate on it when discussing her character. While Elain, Feyre, Nesta, and Mor are all representations of white womanhood and white beauty, Elain epitomizes the most fragile version of white womanhood. It’s easy to blame society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters when it comes to the discourse surrounding Elain’s character because it: falls in line with the fixation on Elain’s femalehood to silence opposing viewpoints; is a simplistic explanation that fails to tackle the underlying issues with Elain as a character, the same issues that are downplayed in-universe; absolves Elain of her wrongdoings; prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions within the series; and diminishes the impact Elain’s actions and inactions have on those around her. It’s not that Elain is hated in the fandom because she’s a traditional female character; it’s the fact that arguments in the Elriel fandom deflect a critical analysis of Elain’s character because she’s a traditional female character who embodies the ideal white woman in need of protection. White fans and white-aligned fans of color, especially white women, have a tendency to vehemently defend, gatekeep, and coddle white female characters in fandom; this makes it difficult for other fans to engage in critical discussions about these white female characters because they’re viewed as flawless and all around perfect characters despite evidence to the contrary. Since Elain is viewed positively by the other characters in the series, it has rendered her character untouchable to any perceived slight or criticism in fandom discussions because those negative opinions challenge what has been said about her character thus far. And as a result, her character has been placed on a pedestal and implicitly hailed as the epitome of white womanhood; and when she’s criticized, it’s seen as a direct attack against white womanhood. Arguments in the Elriel fandom: exploit feminist language and perpetuate white feminist tactics under the guise of defending Elain’s character; center Elain in conversations about female oppression in the ACOTAR world and uphold white feminist ideologies in their critique of ACOTAR’s patriarchal society; and use the fragile white woman narrative to victimize Elain in Lucien’s presence, playing into racial biases that are associated with white supremacy’s defense of white womanhood.

Feminism is a social movement that seeks to promote equality and equity to all genders, and feminists work toward eradicating gender disparities on a macro-level, in addition to challenging gender biases on a micro-level. As feminism became more mainstream, a flat and oversimplified version of feminism emerged: mainstream feminism. The mainstream feminist movement is meant to represent all women, but rarely does it center conversations around issues that concern most women. The problem with mainstream feminism is that it’s just a popularized version of white feminism. White feminism has relied extensively on an individualized understanding of women’s oppression, exclusively from the lens of privileged white women. White feminism only focuses on the oppression experienced by white, able-bodied, affluent, educated, cishet women; and it views gender as the key mode of privileged white women’s oppression, isolated from the privileges granted by their other social identities. White women can be and are oppressed under the patriarchy but only because they are women; their identity as women does not exempt them from the privileges granted by their whiteness. The term white feminist does not mean any feminist who is white, but refers to feminists who prioritize the concerns of privileged white women as though they are representative of all women. However, the term is not exclusive to white people. Because white feminism is so pervasive, people of other racial and ethnic backgrounds often buy into white feminism, believing that if they work hard enough, they may be able to reap its rewards.

Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism only recognizes the identity of being a woman, assumes that all women share common experiences of gender oppression, fails to address other social identities in relation to overlapping systems of oppression, and disregards privilege in relation to various social identities. Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism is palatable because it doesn’t seek to challenge the systems in place, instead its goal is to succeed within them. Essentially, mainstream feminism and white feminism are extensions of performative feminism. Performative feminism is a type of performative activism that’s used to describe feminist views that are surface level and solely for the benefit of one type of person. It’s a pretense which often has nothing to do with genuine activism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom normalize and promote performative feminism because the topic of feminism is only referenced when discussing Elain. This indicates that these arguments are engaging in disingenuous discourse to push a personal agenda within the ACOTAR fandom, and it becomes more apparent when they use white feminist tactics to shut down opposing viewpoints:

White feminists weaponize and exploit feminist language to silence the opinions of other women, especially when they’re called out for their problematic behaviors

White feminists use the phrase “Women supporting women” to defend other white feminists who exhibit problematic behaviors instead of holding them accountable

White feminists weaponize phrases like “Women supporting women” and “You just hate women” to attack other women who disagree with them on any given topic

White feminists use phrases like “All women face challenges” and “Stop pitting women against each other” to sidestep conversations about privilege

White feminists divert conversations away from privilege and towards the Trauma Olympics to equate their struggles to the oppression of marginalized people

White feminists skirt around the realities of other forms of oppression and discrimination, downplaying the experiences of marginalized people

White feminists diminish or ignore the ways in which gender oppression affects other marginalized people

White feminists paint those they harmed as aggressive, mean, or divisive when confronted with the ways they have harmed a marginalized group

White feminists deflect criticism by focusing on the anger or emotions being expressed rather than the issue that is being discussed, invalidating the concerns of marginalized people

White feminists speak over marginalized voices in an attempt to sound “woke”

White feminists get defensive and insist there’s no way they could be a part of the problem because of what they’ve done to help marginalized groups already

White feminists say they don’t see color in an attempt to obscure racial issues that need to be addressed

White feminists center and victimize themselves in conversations about racism, which derails necessary conversations from taking place

White feminists who are white weaponize the intersectionality of their race and gender to avoid accountability

Feminism is not meant to be approached from an individualistic perspective nor is it only about addressing the experiences of privileged white women, it involves addressing the intersections of race, class, gender, sexuality, (dis)ability, and other social identities as well; and it involves addressing how these social identities relate to privilege. Moreover, feminism is not about women upholding complete loyalty to other women because of a shared gender identity, and to claim that it does implies that women should be held to different emotional standards than men. If men are able to dislike and criticize other individual men, real or fictional, without their characters being compromised, why aren’t women granted that same privilege?

It’s clear that SJM set up the ACOTAR world to mirror a patriarchal society, and that the imbalance of power between males and females stems from sexism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom analyze the ACOTAR world through a feminist lens to show how ACOTAR’s patriarchal society, to which the mating bond is innately tied, contributes to female oppression and limits their agency. When choice and free will are emphasized as part of Elain’s arc, they imply that Elain, through the mating bond, experiences female oppression under ACOTAR’s patriarchal society because of her identity as a female with that identity being the focal point of her oppression in the world. Elain is one of the most privileged characters in the ACOTAR world: she’s High Fae; she’s the sister of the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court, which gives her access to wealth and political influence because of that connection; she’s able-bodied; she was magically blessed by the Cauldron; and she lives in Velaris, a place that grants females autonomy and power because of the beliefs of Rhysand and Feyre. Arguments in the Elriel fandom trivialize female oppression in the ACOTAR world because they disregard the fact that Elain’s privileges prevent her from experiencing female oppression in the same way that other marginalized females in the world do. The mating bond being one such example because those around Elain are not forcing the bond on her, instead they’re allowing Elain to reach a decision about the bond for herself; a privilege that other marginalized females in the world probably wouldn’t have. Just because Elain has endured hardships in her life and is a female in a patriarchal society, they do not erase the privileges she holds within the ACOTAR world. The failure to include Elain’s privileges in discussions about Elain being a female in a patriarchal society feeds into white feminist ideologies because white feminism operates from a very narrow perspective; it doesn’t take other intersecting identities into account when it examines gender oppression, leaving no room for discussions about privilege (or lack thereof) in relation to those intersecting identities. When discussing oppression in hierarchical societies, it’s imperative that privilege is also included in the conversation because privilege and oppression are not mutually exclusive; they equally affect the ways in which people navigate those societies through their social identities.

Rather than attributing Elain’s uncomfortability to her new life as a Fae female or the mating bond itself and her trauma to the Cauldron, the King of Hybern, or Ianthe, they’re placed on Lucien to cast his character in a negative light. Moreover, fandom discussions portray Lucien as a possessive character to further emphasize Elain’s discomfort despite the inaccuracy of this characterization in canon. Arguments in the Elriel fandom play into racial biases when it comes to Lucien (a male character of color) because they mischaracterize his character in order to victimize Elain (a white female character), placing her character in the role of the white damsel in distress. In Western society, the concept of womanhood has been conceptualized from a Eurocentric perspective with femininity and feminine attributes favoring white women. It’s the idea that a certain type of femininity is only inherent to white women as they are seen as the embodiment of an ideal womanhood. White womanhood has been a symbol of innocence and purity, and white women have been viewed as fragile beings in need of protection. The reason white womanhood functions within white supremacy is because it’s the same idea that has motivated white men to kill and beat black and brown men. The so-called protection of white women has been used as a justification for the horrific violence committed by white men because black and brown men were stereotyped as aggressive and seen as a threat to the virtue of white women. The white damsel in distress trope considered white women as worthy of protection because of their perceived innocence and purity; women of color were not granted that same treatment because they did not fit into the ideal image of womanhood. Over the years, this trope became a means for white women to exercise limited power in a patriarchal society with white women weaponizing their status as the damsel much to the detriment of black and brown men. It’s through the white damsel in distress trope that white supremacy sustains its dominance in Western society. The misrepresentation of characters of color in fandom, the dismissal of their importance to the overall story, and using them as tools in arguments centered around white characters are the foundation of fandom racism; they’re examples of how racism moves silently in fandom spaces. Instead of examining their behavior and taking constructive criticism from fans of color, white fans will often double down on their bigotry and center their uncomfortability in the conversation when confronted with their complicity in fandom racism. White fans expect fans of color to swallow fandom racism in its many forms in order to not ruin the experience of fandom, dismissing the fact that racism is prevalent in nearly every aspect of society. This mentality ensures that no one is held accountable for the harm they caused and alienates fans of color in fandom spaces.

To reiterate what I mentioned in my first think piece: terms like “oppression”, “the right to choose”, “feminist”, “feminism”, “anti-feminist”, “anti-feminism”, “internalized misogyny”, “misogyny”, “misogynist”, “sexist”, “sexism”, “racist”, “racism”, “classist”, “classism”, “discrimination”, and “patriarchy” are all used in specific ways to draw attention to the plight of marginalized people and challenge those who deny the existence of systems of oppression. Yet these words and their meanings can be twisted to attack, exclude, and invalidate people with differing opinions on any given topic. When social justice and feminist terms are thrown around antagonistically and carelessly to push a personal agenda, it becomes clear that these terms are being used to engage in disingenuous discourse and pursue personal validation rather than being used out of any deep-seated conviction to dismantle systemic oppression. Being an ally, activist, or feminist is not an identity, it’s a practice. It requires: ongoing self-reflection; holding ourselves accountable; listening to marginalized people; educating ourselves; dismantling implicit biases; challenging those around us who are exhibiting problematic behaviors; and action behind our words.

It’s important to be aware of the language that is used within the fandom when defending or critiquing characters and ships. It’s also important to question how an argument is framed and why it’s framed the way that it is to critically examine the intent behind that argument: is it used as a tool to push a personal agenda that reinforces problematic behaviors, or is it used as an opportunity to share, learn, enlighten, and educate?

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Tagging: @spell-cleavers @bookofmirth @m0bulidae @ilya-boltagon

#elain archeron #elriel #acotar fandom #acotar: fandom critical

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 3 years ago

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From Chin To Yon Rah (Part 41)

I typed this chapter on mobile so it might have more typos than usual and I, a responsible fic writer, do not proof read.

Warmth. There is a sense of community in warmth and trying to stay in a state of it during the colder months. Wujing makes a celebration of doing so. And that is how she finds herself seated around the largest fire she has seen in the Earth Kingdom. She is their go to women to keep it lit until the festivities are over.

They seem to rather adore her fire and on nights like these she yearns to display a vivid blue. Perhaps one day. One day after she tells Hajime who she is. Though she isn't sure when she would tell everyone else. She hopes that everyone will take just as well to her fire when it burns blue. Perhaps if she is lucky, they will enjoy it more.

Until then she adds more orange to the blaze while Atsu shifts his weight in her arms. "My turn, Atsu!" Caihong declares.

"No-o." Atsu shakes his head, "she's my mama, go by yer dad!"

Despite the boy's protests, Azula lifts the blanket and let's Caihong crawl under it and next to Atsu. Hajime steps away from the fire and returns to her side. "I'd say that this is a promising way to start the winter."

"We've had a productive year. We have more than enough to get the Wujing through the winter." Seukhyun notes.

"No thanks to you, boy." Ojihara jests.

"I did most of the work ol' man!"

Listening to the father and son go back and forth is one more constant in her life. A thing that wouldn't feel right if absent.

Azula, to the best of her ability with to little beasts in her lap, moves closer to the fire. "Hey!" Atsu shouts, "I was com-fera-table!"

"I wasn't." Azula shrugs. Truth be told her legs are tingling from having held the same position for so long. "I need to stand up."

Neither of the children takes the cue so she tells them both to stand. She doesn't know why she expected to be met with anything other that a, "no, Rikka! We're cozy!" And an agreeing not from Atsu.

"Hajime, hold these things." She sets Atsu and then Caihong in his lap.

"These things are called children, Rikka." He laughs while Atsu folds his arms and pouts.

"They're more like chittering toad-squirrels if you ask me." She stretches her arms and then her back with a contented sigh. She makes her way even closer to the fire.

"Cider?" A man offers. She recognizes him from the market square, a clothes salesman she thinks. She can't quite recall his name but it could be Poying or maybe Poyang. The man is quite fond of telling everyone that he has a tinge of Air Nomad blood. Azula isn't the only person to take this with several grains of salt. But he is an honest man otherwise do she takes the glass with a thank you.

"Gimme'a sip, gimme'a sip!" Caihong makes a jump or two for Azula's cider.

Poyang chuckles, "aye, lil' one we got plenty more, ya don't have to snatch Rikka's."

"You don't have to take me." She repeats smugly, holding her glass just out of Caihong's reach. The girl sticks out her lower lip, folds her arms across her chest, and gives her foot a stomp--making sure to rumble the ground for good measure.

Hajime gives her a little nudge. "Aww don't tease Cai."

"She's gonna get her drink anyways." Seukhyun dismisses just as Poyang comes back with more cider.

"Poyang has the best stuff!" Atsu declares after his first sip.

"Cause his brother's the apple man!" Caihong declares enthusiastically.

"One day we'll have to visit his orchard together." Hajime offers.

"We have a lot of one days to get to." Azula points out. But she supposes that they will have a lifetime to do them.

"It's nice to have a lot to look forward to, isn't it?" He slings an around her waist and pulls her closer. Hot cider splashes onto her shirt. She crinkles her nose, "thanks, Hajime."

"You said that you were getting cold. I thought that I'd help you warm up."

"Won't be so warm when this cider freezes…"

"That's what you get for not sharing it!" Caihong declares smugly. That impish little earth gremlin…

That day she learns that there is a special bond, a sense of community, that comes with the seeking of warmth.

.oOo.

She hadn’t expected to outlast him, but her demise comes as a surprise all the same. And maybe it is because she had wrapped her topmost parka around him. Maybe it is because she had stripped off her remaining glove to keep a fire going for him. For the both of them.

But she is weak and grows weaker as the cold burrows into her wound and seeps deeper into her bones. She looks at the teeth marks with much hatred. Could those have been prevented?

“Azula?” Sokka murmurs. It is the first sound that he has made in a while. And she could cry. Maybe both of them will die, but at least she won’t have to watch another lover do it before she succumbs for herself. She is so terribly cold, she can’t imagine that it will be much longer now.

"Yeah?" She answers.

"What happened?" He slurs.

"First we got caught in a blizzard and then we we got attacked by wolves…"

"Where's dad?"

Azula grits her teeth. "We couldn't find him, remember." They might have fared better against the wolves if they had. As things were they had taken a good chunk out of her arm before being struck down by Sokka's boomerang. The man best appreciate her taking those teeth for him instead of focusing on her own fight. On the grander scheme of things she supposes that it doesn't matter at all. They had done more damage than even that in shredding Sokka's parka and stealing one of her gloves. If they hadn't, she might not have had to spare one if her own.

Agni, she isn't built for this weather. She isn't adapted to withstand it. And it hurts so terribly. Everything stings and tingles. Her face and toes especially. Her fingers had tingled it that has subsided to a more than alarming nothingness. She sniffles, if only to remind herself that she still has a nose. Her cheeks are so red and she feels as though they have been slapped repeatedly. In a sense, they have. The winter slaps them with a force that a human hand couldn't possibly manage.

She had never realized just how much the cold could burn. Very resentfully, she thinks that the cold might just be higher than even her fire.

She huddles closer to Sokka, rather she tries to do so oh to find that they are as close as they can possibly be. And there is nowhere near enough warmth between the two of them.

"Take your parka back, Azula." Sokka says.

She shakes her head.

"Azula, you need it more, you're not…"

She shakes her head, "no." She won't be the weak one here. She can't allow it. She can't allow it especially if it means watching another lover die. "No."

At least now she can say with conviction that she does love him. Very much. Just as much as she loved Hajime. And more than enough to let herself succumb to the cold to give him a chance.

He tries to remove his parka anyhow so she rolls atop him, he is too weak to shove her off. Which is good because she would have been too weak to resist if he had.

The bite marks on her arm flare. She closes her eyes and shudders as another pang passes through her. How long have they been out here like this? Long enough for the blizzard to pass.it occurs to her that she and Sokka are half buried. The realization come with a jolt of panic--a queasiness in her belly and a spinning in her head. She doesn't want to be buried in a coffin of snow. She doesn't want to be buried at all. The panic is fleeting when she recalls that she has already unburied herself in putting her body atop Sokka's. Though that isn't to say that more snow won't come to cover them up, she hopes to be hours dead by then.

"You know, I always thought that I would die in combat." She mumbles, pressing her ear to his chest so that she can hear his heartbeat. So that she can be sure that she isn't alone. "That would have been more glorious than this."

"You're not…"

But she isn't done lamenting, "but I also always thought that I would be alone when I died. So I guess that this is better." It's certainly better than dying alone and dehydrated in a grassland.

"We're not going to die."

"We're in the middle of nowhere and the rest of the village didn't expect us to venture this far out to the glacier. We've been out here for hours, my arm won't stop bleeding…"

"Yeah." Sokka's expressions darkness. "Looks pretty grim doesn't it." He is so cold that his breath no longer comes out in puffs. He is quiet for a very long while. "Katara, Aang, Toph, and I were once lost in a desert with ver little water. You made it out of several situations like this…"

"Yes, Sokka and it was mostly luck. How many times can I keep getting lucky?" She doesn't have the energy for shouting. For changing her tone and diction at all really.

She feels Sokka's hands patting her hair. "Hopefully every time."

.oOo.

There is no worse feeling than watching Azula go limp and mostly quiet. For the last several minutes, the oh sign of life was an occasional wimper. Her body is still trembling but not as violently as it had been. She is shutting down. And she still won't take his parka.

"I'm so cold, Sokka." She whispers, her voice sounding so pathetically small. But she is afraid. He can tell, if only because he is terrified too.

"Yeah, me too, Azula."

She rubs her face against his chest. She gets no warmth out of it because there is none left in him. He looks to the sky. To the glimmering cosmos above. Maybe he'll be reborn as one of them…

Azula clings to him with what can oy be the last very last ounces of her strength.

"It's okay, Sokka." She tries to smile though her face is too stiff with the cold. "I told you on the first day that I came back that I had more waiting for me in the Spirit World…"

"Don't say that." He squeezes her tighter.

"It's okay." She says again. "I think I that he wanted me to do a bit more exploring but he'll be happy to know that I got this far."

He wonders if she is thinking of Caihong at all. He wonders if that will do her any good anyways. He doesn't want to say it, especially not to her. But she is right, she is dying. He doesn't think that she will last the night even of he does force her back into her parka.

He hugs her as tight as he can. And then he rolls her onto her back. She murmurs some sort of protest, some sort of distress. But there is something that he wants her to see. Something that he needs her to see.

"Look up, Azula. Open your eyes." He gently slaps her cheeks and her eyes flutter open. They are unfocused and mostly vacant. He slaps her cheeks again until he has her at least a little more alert. “Look at the lights, Azula.”

He thinks that she might have smiled. "That's nice, Sokka." But her eyes close again and the moment is good.

She doesn't cry. She doesn't bargain or beg. She simply squints and, to the best of her ability with blackened, numb fingers and clumsy daze, touches his cheek. And then her hand falls and her eyes close once more. No amount of slapping gets them to open again.

In the distance he hears barking. Sprits, he prays that the wolves aren't back. He squeezes her hand if only to feel her slowing pulse.

#Avatar The Last Airbender #Azula #Sokka #Sokkla #Fanfiction

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willowgast · 3 years ago

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tag game time!

i was tagged by the lovely @contre-qui, with the aim of tagging nine people to learn about their interests - i'm unlikely to find that many people myself but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it! going under the cut because this is a pretty long(ish) one.

music!

fave genre a little bit of everything but right now especially medieval folk & pop rock

fave artist a strange mixture of måneskin, kraftklub, siames, cavetown, and rainbow kitten surprise

fave song hard choice, but probably 'brothers' by siames & eddy capparelli

most listened to song recently either 'coraline' by måneskin or 'king orfeo' from the child ballads

song currently stuck in your head 'happy pills' by weathers

five fave lyrics oh boy, this is gonna take some thought.

"called to the devil and the devil said / hey! why you been calling this late? / it's like 2a.m. and the bars all close at ten in hell, that's a rule i made / anyway, you say you're too busy saving everybody else to save yourself / and you don't want no help, oh well / that's the story to tell" ('it's called: freefall' by rainbow kitten surprise)

"today i coo, today i caw / i have a pistol party and i kill 'em all / i think i might be scared / of the man and the men with their hands inside / and the women, oh, the women all they do is cry / and i, well i lose my mind" ('little pistol' by mother mother)

"so did you pack your bag, or did somebody pack it for you? / take me to the sad, sad party that you're bound to / whether you're a 'have-not' or a 'have', i got a question / are you living dead, or is this some kind of possession?' ('blast doors' by everything everything)

"but what if i run out of fertiliser? / what if the clouds run out of rain? what if lemon boy won't grow no longer? what if beaches dry of sugar cane?" ('lemon boy' by cavetown)

"now they tell you that you're their muse / yeah, they're so inspired / but where were they when they called your name / and they lit the fire? / when the voices came, you cut your hair / but you're stilled confused" ('joan of arc' by arcade fire)

books!

fave book genre fantasy all the way

fave writer bernardine evaristo, leigh bardugo, madeline miller

fave book oh dear, here we go. 'circe' by madeline miller, 'six of crows' and 'crooked kingdom' by leigh bardugo, 'girl, woman, other' by bernardine evaristo, 'good omens' by neil gaiman & terry pratchett, 'the raven cycle' series by maggie stiefvater, 'oranges are not the only fruit' by jeanette winterson, and a whole lot of old norse literature of dubious authorship (but especially 'gisla saga' and 'hrafnkels saga freysgoða', and pretty much all of the eddic poems in the volsung cycle)

fave book series it's a tie between leigh bardugo's grishaverse novels and maggie stiefvater's 'the raven cycle'

comfort book 'the secret kingdom' by jenny nimmo

rainy day book any of my norse books, sagas or poetry

fave characters nina zenik in the grishaverse, ronan lynch in 'the raven cycle', gisli in 'gisla saga' (not sure if that counts as a character or historical figure, dependent on perspective...?), and circe in, y'know, 'circe'

five quotes from your fave books?

"i thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but i see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands" ('circe' by madeline miller)

"'spreader of swords, it is your own sons' / corpse-bloody hearts you've chewed up with honey, / proud man, you've consumed dead men's meat, / eating it as ale-dainties, sending it to the high seat' [...] with the point of a blade she gave the bed a bloody drink, / with a hel-keen hand, and set the dogs free; / she woke the servants, and in front of the hall-door / she flung a burning brand: she paid them back for her brothers. / to the fire she gave everyone who was inside, / who'd come from myrkheim after murdering gunnar and his men; / the ancient timbers fell, the temples smoked, / the buildings burned of budli's kin, and the shield-maids inside; / their lives stemmed, sinking into hot flames." (gudrun avenges her brother in 'atlakviða', a poem in the old norse poetic and elder eddas)

"you aren't a flower, you're every blossom in the wood blooming at once. you are a tidal wave. you're a stampede. you are overwhelming." ('crooked kingdom' by leigh bardugo)

"from the passenger seat, ronan began to swear at adam. it was a long, involved swear, using every forbidden word possible, often in compound-word form. as adam stared at his lap, penitent, he mused that there was something musical about the ronan when he swore, a careful and loving precision to the way he fit the words together, a black-painted poetry. it was far less hateful sounding than when he didn't swear." ('the raven cycle' by maggie stiefvater)

"but where was god now, with heaven full of astronauts, and the lord overthrown? i miss god. i miss the company of someone utterly loyal. i still don't think of god as my betrayer. the servants of god, yes, but servants by their very nature betray. i miss god who was my friend. i don't even know if god exists, but i do know that if god is your emotional role model, very few human relationships will match up to it. i have an idea that one day it might be possible, i thought once it had become possible, and that glimpse has set me wandering, trying to find the balance between earth and sky. if the servants hadn't rushed in and parted us, i might have been disappointed, might have snatched off the white samite to find a bowl of soup." ('oranges are not the only fruit' by jeanette winterson)

tv and movies!

fave tv/movie genre fantasy, travel/road trip & comedy

fave movie the secret life of walter mitty, supernova, any and all ghibli films, scott pilgrim vs. the world, lord of the rings, the how to train your dragon trilogy

comfort movie the lion king (original), how to train your dragon, from up on poppy hill, kiki's delivery service

movie you watch every year elf, howl's moving castle, love simon

fave tv show she-ra and the princesses of power, skam, bee and puppycat (i guess more of a web series than a tv show?), adventure time, the it crowd

comfort tv show adventure time

most rewatched tv show skam, every october without fail

five favourite characters catra (she-ra and the princesses of power), sana (skam original), marceline (adventure time), moss (the it crowd), inej (shadow and bone netflix adaptation)

tagging (absolutely no pressure, this is a pretty long one!): @crowcaves, @the-obsidian-soul, @natscbi, @somehowmags, @gabrilearnelle, @clockwords, @starsspace... and that's it, that's as close to nine as i'm getting, but if anyone else just feels like doing it then feel free to consider yourself tagged!

#tag game #long post #tysm for the tag!!!!

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alonely-dreamer · 4 years ago

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The Valuable Sun | Chapter 22 (The End)

Summary: Witches never die.

Pairing: Eric x OC

Warnings: 18+

A/N: Please, note that I am French so there might be some mistakes here and there.

Words: 6228

Masterlist

Adapting to being a vampire wasn’t so hard for Brooklynne. Perhaps because she wasn’t really a vampire, but rather a vampire-fairy hybrid who, aside from being immortal, was as human as she used to be.

She didn’t fear the sun, she ate human food and didn’t have to rely on blood to survive. The hardest part of her transition was that everything was heightened. Her sight, her hearing, her strength… She was faster than lightning, and, since apparently it was a hereditary talent, she could fly, like her maker. A talent she’d have to learn to control, and a talent which Pam was jealously unequipped with.

To the rest of the world, Brooke was just another mortal, weird like her sister, maybe gifted with telepathy for those who believed in those sorts of things. But to her family, to her loved ones, she was the strongest creature on Earth, and, therefore, the weakest.

Eric’s worry was loud and made him even more unpleasant than before. With other people, that is. He took extra care of Brooklynne, who felt like a little girl again, who wasn’t allowed to leave her house because she’d get too distracted to even remember her own name.

Fortunately for her, Eric could not control her days, which she spent with her sister at Merlotte’s. It had been a week now, since she had become a vampire, and the only abnormal behavior she showed was an extreme appetite. She could not stop eating, and she almost emptied Sam’s kitchen, not that he would ever complain about it.

“Look at you,” Arlene said as she walked behind the bar to grab a bottle of alcohol. “You wouldn’t be expecting a happy event, would you?”

Brooklynne almost choked on her chicken wing and Arlene laughed as the hybrid coughed and wiped the mess she had made.

“What? No!”

“I’m just kidding ya. I know you can’t get pregnant. Not while you’re with that vampire of yours…”

Brooklynne watched the waitress walk away and disappear in the hallway, leaving a wave of disapproval behind her.

“Fuck you too,” she mumbled under her breath.

“What was that?” Sookie asked, approaching her with a plate she put down on the bar.

“Nothing.”

“What did Arlene want?”

“To make sure I knew how much she hates my kind.”

“To be fair, you’re the first and only one of your kind.”

“Wanna join me?”

“No, thanks,” she swiftly dismissed the mere idea, “hey, isn’t Eric supposed to be here already?”

“Yeah. I guess there was an emergency at Fangtasia. He’s not answering my texts.”

“Well, that’s weird.”

“Not really,” she shrugged. “It’s Halloween. He says there’s always some shit happening on Halloween.”

“When did you start using those words?” Sookie sighed. “You weren’t always so vulgar.”

Her sister laughed. “Sorry. I’m just repeating what he said.”

“Anyway, I have to take out the trash before I leave, want me to drive you?”

“Sure, why not? I’ll join you outside.”

Brooklynne finished her plate, then her drink in one go, before leaving some cash on the bar. She walked across the restaurant and exited through the back door. There, she found her sister and Holly talking about Marnie. Brooke rolled her eyes.

“What’s going on?”

“Hey, Brooklynne.”

“What’s up Holly?”

“Oh, nothing, honey. We were just talking about… well… we just have a bad feeling, is all.”

“It’s probably nothing,” Sookie waved it off.

“Yeah. We’re just spooked because it’s Halloween and all.”

Screeching tires drew their attention towards Tara’s car who had just parked in a panic. Brooklynne didn’t know if it was the previous spooky talk, or just Tara’s look as she ran towards them, but she was starting to have a bad feeling as well.

“Tara?” Sookie called. “Tara what is it? What happened?”

“She’s back!”

“Who’s back, honey?”

“Marnie.”

“Marnie’s dead,” Brooklynne rolled her eyes. “I should know, I killed her myself.”

“She killed Jesus,” Tara started crying. “I think she’s inside Lafayette.”

Sookie turned slowly towards her little sister, who oddly appeared to stand taller than her for once.

“Don’t look at me, I’m no witch. I wouldn’t know the first thing about getting that bitch out of Lafayette.”

“No, Brooke… Eric’s not answering his phone.”

If Brooklynne ever doubted her heart was still beating, she sure had the answer now, as it felt like it skipped a beat as she realized what her sister was saying.

“No,” she scoffed in disbelief. “He’d kill Lafayette on the spot.”

“I’m gonna try to call Bill,” the waitress said as she took out her phone.

Brooklynne shook her head, maybe to try and throw the mere idea of Eric being in any kind of danger away, as she took out her own cellphone.

“Bill’s not answering,” Sookie said, now even more panicked than before.

“Eric either…”

“Well, do we know where they could be?” Holly asked.

Sookie took a deep breath as she remembered what Bill had told her earlier: ‘I’ll be waiting for you at home. My men will let you in.’

“Yes. We do.”

***

Vampires were supposed to heal fast. So fast that they could barely feel pain. Which is why this headache was doubly irritating for Brooklynne. Between the busy minds of her sister, Holly and Tara, whom she was riding with, her own head felt like it was about to explode. Filled with worry and incomprehension, she kept asking herself if she should just get out of the car and run to Bill’s house on her own. She’d already be there.

“You can’t. If Tara and Holly find out you’re a vampire, it won’t be a secret anymore.”

“Who cares at this point? Eric could die any second now!”

“Pam might already be there.”

“If he wanted either of us there, he’d had already called us. Which means he’s in real danger, Marnie is not kidding around, she’s aiming to kill!”

“Don’t remind me. I’m driving you to her!”

“She won’t have a chance to hurt me. She’ll be dead before…”

“You can’t kill her like last time, Brooke. She’s inside Lafayette. We need to trust Holly, she knows how this works.”

“No, she doesn’t, are you listening to her? She’s got a bag full of salt and a mouth full of ‘maybes’. What if she has no clue how to deal with this?”

“Either way, we’re not killing Lafayette.”

“If killing Lafayette is the only way to save Eric, I will do it myself.”

“Are you hearing yourself? You’re talking about killing Lafayette! Our friend! Tara’s cousin!”

“Sorry, Sook. But it’s not a hard choice. Not even a little bit.”

Brooklynne did her best to shut her sister’s disapproving thoughts out of her head, she knew it all already. Of course, she wouldn’t be happy about killing Lafayette. Of course, she’d rather Holly’s plan worked. But if it didn’t, if she had to choose between watching Marnie/Lafayette kill Eric or kill her/him herself, she wouldn’t lose sleep over it. She stopped for a second, a very brief second, and wondered if she’d had thought the same as a human/fairy. If she had been in that situation a month ago, what would she have done? She knew what she would have done. She’d have been too weak to fight off Marnie. She’d have been too weak to save Eric.

She wasn’t going to be weak tonight.

“Any of you got a mirror?” Holly asked as she did the inventory of her Wiccan first aid-kit.

“You ever done this before?” Sookie asked as she handed her a small mirror she found in her purse.

“Goddess, no,” the waitress replied as she shoved the mirror into her bag, next to the salt and the sage. “Usually, I just light a candle and ask the spirits to make sure my boys don’t end up in jail or knock somebody up.”

Sookie could hear her sister scoff and roll her eyes next to Holly, a “what did I say?” echoing inside of her head.

“But so far, that’s worked out okay.”

“Maybe you’re just a good mother,” Brooke mumbled.

“Oh, thanks honey.”

Brooklynne frowned as the mother of two gave her a nervous smile, her lack of faith in her Wiccan religion completely oblivious to her.

“Sook, you can’t let them hurt him,” Tara begged. “If Bill and Eric find out Marnie’s inside Lafayette…”

“I have a feeling they already know…”

Tara stepped on the accelerator. They were only a couple of minutes away. Brooklynne kept trying to reach her maker through their bond, but the silence she was met with only helped widening the pit in her stomach.

Tara stopped the car at the gates of Bill’s property and the four women jumped out of the vehicle, Holly, her bag of magic tricks on her shoulder.

Brooklynne, though she had been patient until then, didn’t even think twice about disappearing on them as soon as she smelled wood and straw.

“Eric!”

She found them tied up together to a pyre, half naked, silver chains around their bare chest.

“What are you doing here? You need to go, now!”

“Are you crazy? I’m not leaving without you!”

“Brooklynne!” Sookie called as she caught up to her sister, Holly and Tara behind her.

“Are you kidding me? You didn’t think to tell us you were a vampire?” Tara started to yell.

“She can’t be, she was at the bar all day long!” Holly said, confused, and a little bit scared.

They didn’t get the time to argue about it any more, however, as Marnie appeared before them.

“As your friend Lafayette would say, what goes around comes around, bitches.”

“I’m gonna kill you, you crazy bitch.”

“You already have,” Marnie replied with surprising calm. “Thank you for coming.”

Marnie/Lafayette raised a hand and waved it once to the left. Brooklynne felt her feet get off the floor and was sent flying across the garden where she collided with a tree.

Eric and Sookie called her name, in useless worry. She was back up on her feet in a matter of seconds.

“Lafayette!”

Tara received a deathly stare from the dead witch inside her cousin, and she gulped.

“… and Marnie. Please, don’t do this.”

“After all they’ve done to you, you protect them?”

“Killing Bill and Eric isn’t gonna make any of that go away.”

“Revenge will never bring you peace,” Eric told her.

“There can’t be peace until there is justice for me, for Antonia, for all the women you tortured and burned for centuries!”

Taking advantage of the moment, Holly started drawing a circle of salt around the pyre as Marnie had her back turned to her.

“All to repress a magic that’s older and more powerful than your very existence.”

“Marnie, what will this serve?” Bill, who saw Holly and understood the plan, asked, to help distract her. “There are millions of us, more being made every night. You cannot win.”

“I’m already dead, vampire. Thanks to you and your friends, I have nothing left to lose.”

Marnie lowered her head and raised her hands in the air as she casted three more words “incendia of sanctimonia”.

“No!” Brooke and Sookie screamed as they tried to make their way to the now burning pyre. But the fire Marnie had just started only grew bigger as they reached it. Brooklynne dragged her sister away from it as Tara joined them.

“Stop it,” she yelled. “It’s still Lafayette!”

“I don’t care,” Brooke growled as she raised a hand, a blinding light coming out of it, hitting Lafayette/Marnie in the chest, pushing them far away. It didn’t stop the fire, to her biggest disappointment.

Holly finished the circle of salt, joining them back to her starting point, as Marnie sat up, now, neither looking like Lafayette or herself, but with a painted face of some sort of creature.

“Give me your hands, now!”

Hesitantly, Tara joined the three women in a circle, taking the hand of the two sisters in her own. Immediately, they started chanting.

“Spirits who watch over us, friends, family, ancestors, guardians of the gate, with this rite we evoke thee through the veil of Samhain, we call thee forth.”

Again and again, they chanted, keeping Marnie out of the circle, however, doing nothing to stop the fire that was burning the two vampires next to them.

As the dead witch growled and the immortals screamed out of pain, spirits appeared in the cemetery near them, walking the earth once more, to join them in their battle. Sookie kept an eye open on Bill, while Brooklynne focused on Eric, doing her best not to break the circle and jump in the fire herself to get him out of there.

“Marnie.”

The summoned spirits stood in the forest, behind Marnie, calling her, only one, however, getting her attention: Antonia.

“Marnie.”

Lafayette’s face changed back to normal as the painted face of the creature disappeared, Marnie, making her way to the ghost of her former partner.

“My sister.”

“You came back to me…” she said, and the witch smiled. “I knew you would.”

Antonia’s eyes moved from Lafayette/Marnie to the burning pyre, and from where she stood blew out the fire as easily as she would have blown off the candles on a birthday cake.

“Antonia, no!”

Brooklynne didn’t wait one more second as she made her way to her maker, ripped off the silver chains tying the vampires to the still hot death trap. Eric’s knees were too weak and she caught him as he fell. However, no one was there to catch the King, who fell off the pyre and onto the hard ground. Sookie was quickly by his side.

“Are you okay?”

“Crispy.”

“Why the hell didn’t you call me? Or Pam?”

“So you could have burned with me? Not a great plan.”

“Not asking for help isn’t a plan at all!”

Off the pyre and back on the ground, Eric enjoyed the feeling of his burning bare feet on the cold grass. Brooke helped him kneel down.

“What the hell am I supposed to do without you? Don’t you dare die on me now that I’m immortal!”

“I’d rather die knowing that you’re safe, than die after watching you get killed.”

“And I’d rather die than spend immortality without you, so don’t you ever do that again!”

“Alright. I’ll try not to get burned alive by the crazy ghost of a witch again. That I can promise you.”

“Shut up and drink,” she rolled her eyes as she kneeled beside him and offered him her wrist.

The witches were still talking on the other side of the circle, and whatever Antonia was saying, Marnie didn’t want to hear it.

“All creatures have their purpose, even vampires.”

“How can you say that? They murdered us!”

“Their cruelty served its purpose: to bring you and I together. And now I am here to take you home.”

“I’m not finished yet.”

“Oh, yes you are.”

That voice. Brooklynne knew that voice. She turned her head, but whoever it was, she was hidden behind the pyre. However, Sookie could see her perfectly.

“Gran?”

“Holy Goddess.”

“Holy shit.”

Eric released Brooke’s hand so that she could get up and see for herself, Adele, her grandmother, make her way to Lafayette, put her hand in his mouth and reach down his throat. She took out a black fog which she threw away behind her. Once it reached the ground, it turned into Marnie.

“I don’t wanna go. I am not ready. Please!” she begged as she stood up.

“I was trapped between world for 400 years… lost and driven mad by my rage. I do not want that for you.”

“And what about what I want?! Nobody cares what I want! All my life, I’ve been afraid. And who wouldn’t be? With dead people murmuring in my ears, making me deliver your messages… making me into a freak! A creepy, pathetic, terrified mess muttering to herself in the corner.”

“But that is not who you are anymore.”

“No. That’s right. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve got real power now. And you want to take that away from me?” she cried. “You want them to win?”

“Oh, Marnie,” Antonia said as she took Marnie’s face between her hands, “Marnie, can’t you see? Life is pain. But soon, all you have suffered and feared will be meaningless. You will be at peace. But them…”

“… they’ll be stuck here. Forever.”

“And there is no victory in that.”

A tear or two fell down Marnie’s cheeks as she screamed. “Oh, this fucking sucks.”

“Come on.”

Antonia took Marnie’s hand and led her down to the forest where the other spirits were waiting for her. Adele followed them.

“Gran!”

Sookie and Brooklynne called after her, hoping to make her stay.

“Please don’t go,” Sookie cried.

“I have to, dear.”

“I’m so lost without you. I don’t know what to do.”

“Yes, you do. Look at your sister. She’s got it all figured out,” she said as she smiled, proudly, at Brooklynne.

“Oh, Gran… I’m so sorry.”

“For what, dear?”

Brooklynne sniffed and shrugged, hoping her grandmother was proud of her, of who she had become.

“Answer’s where it always is. In your heart. Being alone, it ain’t nothing to be afraid of, my girls. We’re all alone, at the end.”

She smiled at them one last time before joining the spirits back to the cemetery and her granddaughters watch her leave them with tears in their eyes.

Brooke felt a hand slide on her waist, and she took it, as Eric pulled her towards him.

“No offense to your grandmother, but neither one of us will be alone at the end.”

Brooke chuckled as she wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand.

“This is the worst night ever.”

“Well,” he said as he turned her around and wiped one last tear with his thumb, “the night is still young.”

***

Eric had no idea how right he was. Well, maybe he did, a little. He knew what was coming. For him, for Bill. For Brooklynne. They were coming for their heads.

He hadn’t said a word, but Brooklynne knew too. She wasn’t used to being able to read his mind, and it mostly just happened, she couldn’t control it. He was thinking about it, so hard, as he was drinking her blood, in Bill’s living room. She could hear her sister break up with Bill in the other room, and she just wished she could tune them out. Hearing Bill cry made her feel sick.

“Are you sure they’re coming after you too? It wasn’t your fault.”

“They don’t care. I was caught on camera.”

“They destroyed all of that footage.”

“There are witnesses.”

“Glamour them.”

“It’s too late.”

“Then we should leave. Now.”

“And go where? They won’t stop until…”

“Brooklynne.”

The vampire-fairy hybrid turned to see her sister enter the room. Her eyes were red. And wet.

“I’m going home.”

“Okay. I’m staying here, with Eric.”

“You should go with her. There’s no reason for you to be here when…”

Brooklynne shot him a look that told him all he needed to know. She wasn’t going anywhere. She’d save him. Or die trying.

“Have a good night, Sook.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” her sister nodded as she waved, before she walked away.

“The AVL doesn’t know I’m a vampire. They can’t kill me. It’s against their own rules.”

“If you get in their way, if you show them what you can do…”

“Eric,” she stopped him, taking a step forward and placing a hand above his, “either we’re leaving town, or we’re staying. But we stay together.”

Eric sighed, defeated.

“Like you said, neither of us will be alone at the end.”

***

Bill was back to being a cold bastard when he joined them in his living room. He sat in an armchair next to them, and they all kept a dreadful quiet as they enjoyed the last hour of their life.

Bill had nothing else to lose. He had just lost the only thing he wanted, the only thing he needed. Without Sookie, he had no reason to live. He wouldn’t fight the Authority, if they came knocking on his door with a true death warrant. Eric thought about his human life. His immortal life. Godric. Pam. Brooklynne. He thought about the life he had and the one he would never get. The life he dreamt of having with Brooklynne, and the one he could never give her. But Brooklynne wasn’t done fighting. She had barely started. She’d use all of her powers to kill them all, if need be. She felt strong enough. She never even took the time to ask herself if she could.

When the cars arrived, disturbing the silent night as they drove on the gravel driveway, they all felt like time had stopped. Like it was all decided, and they would either leave the house alive, or not at all.

Brooklynne suddenly felt like she had forgotten so many things. Her siblings. She should have said goodbye to them. But instead, she let Sookie go without even telling her she might never see her again. She was almost certain Eric was thinking the same way about Pam. But he knew if he had let her know about any of this, she’d had come, and he couldn’t do that to her. She deserved better.

At least, Bill had said his goodbye.

“This is it,” the King of Louisiana said as he straightened his suit.

“It’s been a crazy thousand years.”

Brooklynne scoffed dryly.

“I thought immortality would last longer.”

They followed Bill as he took the direction of the front door. He opened with a polite smile, a smile Brooklynne had dubbed “Bill’s political smile”.

Nan Flanagan was standing on the porch with a handful of heavily armed men and she looked pissed. She looked furious.

“Ms. Flanagan, we’ve been expecting you.”

Eric and Brooklynne appeared behind their king. It somehow seemed to make her angrier.

“Hi, Nan. And gay stormtroopers.”

Eric’s ability to make stupid jokes in moments such as this one was one of the reasons Brooklynne loved him so much.

“Perfect. Two birds, one stone,” she said as she entered the house, taking the direction of Bill’s office, followed by her guards.

Though Eric stayed silent, Brooklynne could feel his relief. Whatever Nan’s orders were, Brooklynne didn’t seem to be included in them.

The couple stepped in the crowded office, joining Bill’s side.

“The Marnie situation has been resolved, if that makes any difference,” Bill said.

“Ding, dong, the witch is dead,” Nan replied with a tone so sharp it would have given the true death to any vampire who got too close. “Yippee.”

“His Majesty showed great leadership in extremely perilous circumstances. You should be kissing his ring.”

“Why bother when your tongue’s already so far up his ass?”

Eric contemplated his options as his desire to kill the bitch grew stronger. Brooklynne was glad he controlled himself.

Nan gestured her guards to close the door and they stood before it, blocking the only exit. Brooklynne looked up at Eric who seemed to be as nervous as she was. This meant nothing good.

“I wish for one fucking night you could experience the litany of bullshit I’ve had to deal with. Then you’d have some idea of how little I give a fuck about your small-town witch infestation, or your whole backwoods kingdom, for that matter.”

“For someone who cares so little, you seem awfully pissed off.”

“Do I, Bill? Maybe that’s because I quit my fucking job!”

“You quit the AVL?” Eric asked, as baffled as Bill was.

“And the Authority.”

“No one quits the Authority,” Bill chuckled nervously.

“Quit, fired, same difference!”

“We assumed we were the ones to be terminated.”

“Oh, there’s been an order issued on your heads.”

Hearing those words, Brooklynne instinctively seized Eric’s hand.

“My last duty was supposed to be delivering the True Death to both of you. Of course, I realized I’d be next.”

She sighed, trying to control her anger. Failing.

“I have been alive for eight hundred and sixteen years. I refuse to be retired like a fat first wife!”

“Let me make sure I got this straight,” Eric said. “You’re mutinying against the American Vampire League and the Authority?”

“And you expect us to join you?”

“We won’t be alone,” she assured them. “There are factions inside the regime who have never been completely on board with the current agenda. Sheriff Northman knows what I’m talking about.”

Brooklynne frowned. So did Bill.

“What’s in it for us?” the Viking asked, undisturbed by the accusation.

Nan laughed. “Aside from surviving the night? How about your little fairy toy over there? And her sister.”

Their silence and cold stares didn’t faze her.

“Oh, come on. The mind reading, the microwave fingers? You didn’t think I knew what you were? There are at least a couple thousand vampires who would do almost anything to get a taste of your blood.”

“They’re welcome to try,” Brooklynne smirked.

In the next second, she had seized Bill’s paper knife and cut the throat of all of Nan’s human guards. Eric had wanted to do it, but she insisted, as it was her sister she was protecting.

“You’re a vampire?” Nan gasped, looking at her like she was an alien. Which… she was.

“Don’t. threaten. my sister.”

Bill armed himself with the fancy stake that was on display behind his seat, and stabbed Nan who exploded on the spot. There were pieces of her everywhere, the vampires were covered with her blood. Brooklynne took what looked like a tooth from her hair and threw it towards the pile of blood at her feet. She grimaced, then sighed.

“Can we leave now?”

***

Leaving a voicemail to his progeny, Bill didn’t help Eric clean up the mess he had made of Nan Flanagan. Brooklynne stared at the fake window as her maker made sure to get rid of any evidence that would work against them in case of a trial. Though, if they ever got caught, they would not get the luxury of a trial. Their fate was already sealed, killing Nan was just going to buy them a little bit more time. Or so they thought.

As soon as they stepped out of the house, they fell into a silver trap. They were surrounded by a dozen heavily armed men who threw silver nets at Bill and Eric. They both cried out of pain and Brooklynne’s first instinct was to help her maker, but she was quickly pinned against the wall with unhuman strength.

The soldier took off his helmet and stared at her, right in the eyes, as he said: “go back inside, sit down and forget this ever happened”.

Her eyes grew big as she realized he was trying to glamour her. She could see in the corner of her eye that they were taking them away, towards the trunk of their black vehicle. There were too many soldiers there, all wearing protection gear and weapons that could kill a vampire in a second. She did her best to put the loud voice inside her head to rest. It killed her to ignore it, it almost destroyed her to not try anything to help Eric, but she knew if she tried anything, if she showed them she couldn’t be compelled, if she showed them what she really was, they’d either kill her or take her too, and she would never be able to help anyone again.

So, she did as he asked. She went back inside Bill’s house, sat on the first armchair she could find, and watched as they drove away.

She got up as soon as she was certain they wouldn’t be able to see her follow them. She stayed far enough away, running fast, faster than she ever thought she could run. She even tried to fly, but to no avail. She followed them out of Bon-Temps and into an empty road. It was the middle of the night, so there was no one else there, but vampires.

She tried to think of a plan, of a way to get them out that wouldn’t get her and them killed. But there was no way she could free them without alerting the Authority soldiers.

But, suddenly, the black van in which all of the soldiers had gotten into took another road. It confused Brooklynne for a second, until she realized they were probably going back to their base, which meant Bill and Eric were going somewhere else. Somewhere like New-Orleans, to the Vampire Authority Headquarters.

She ran even faster now, so she could catch up to the single car, in which Eric was trapped. She positioned herself in the middle of the road, in front of the vehicle, but far enough away so that they could see her before driving into her. She rose a hand and the brightest light came out of it, blinding the driver. He immediately, out of instinct, turned the wheel, causing the car to roll over three times before it stopped in the field on her right.

She rushed towards the trunk which was already half opened. One kick was enough to open it wide.

“Brooklynne,” Eric breathed out as he crawled out, “what are you doing?”

“Saving your life? You’re welcome. Come on.”

They helped Bill out but didn’t get the time to do anything else as a vampire, whom Brooke recognized to be the driver, showed up behind them, holding a gun, no doubt loaded with silver bullets.

“Who wants to die first?”

Eric pushed Brooke behind him, screaming at her mentally to run the second she can, to not think twice about it. As soon as he turned into a pool of blood, she had to make a run for it.

But he wasn’t the one who exploded into a disgusting pile of bloody body parts.

A woman stood where the vampire used to be a second before, his spine in her hand.

“You, Hayes,” she said, looking down at the pile of blood, “you die first.”

“Nora,” Eric breathed out.

Their savior threw the spine on the ground and shook her bloody hand, trying to get the remaining pieces of Hayes off of her skin.

“I had arranged for our car to be conveniently ambushed when we hit 310,” Nora said, she had a British accent. Our attackers were going to take out my driver there. Unfortunately, wonder woman over here came 12 miles too soon.”

“Um… sorry?”

“Don’t be. It was badass.”

“Eric, you know this woman?” Bill asked.

“Yes. She’s my sister.”

Brooklynne thought she had misheard. Eric never mentioned a sister. She felt confused and… betrayed?

“Your sister? You have a sister who works for the Authority?” Bill says, both surprised and suspicious.

“I’m a Chancellor,” she replied proudly.

“I don’t understand,” Brooke said. “If you knew they were coming for Eric, why didn’t you warn him?”

“There was no time. The Guardian wanted Nan followed to make sure she carried out his orders. I saw an opportunity to save Eric, so I took it.”

“So nobody in the Authority knows about your relationship?” Bill asked.

“And they never will. We were only connected through out maker, Godric. And Godric is gone,” she said with obvious sorrow.

“As a Chancellor of the Authority, you’re taking a huge risk,” Bill continued, still not trusting her fully. “Why would you choose to…”

“Because I’d do anything for Eric.”

“And I’d do anything for you,” the Viking said as he took a step forward.

He went to hug his sister, whom he apparently hadn’t seen in decades. She smiled as she hugged him back. Brooklynne thought it would have been nice to know he had someone he cared about so much other than Pam. Though she could understand why keeping their relationship a secret was for the best, perhaps he could have trusted her enough to share that secret with her.

“And,” Nora continued, “because you did what you did protecting us from the necromancers. That we would reward you for it with the True Death speaks volume about how out of step the Authority’s current agenda is.”

So, Nan knew. Nan knew of Nora and of her relationship with Eric. Which meant Eric did keep in touch at least a little bit. Brooke tried to keep her anger to a minimum.

“I’m not alone in this belief.”

“Factions within the Authority?” Bill asked, making the connection with the information Nan had given him earlier that night.

“Mm-mmh,” she nodded. “So, who’s wonder woman?”

Nora looked at the fairy with interest, but Brooke didn’t answer, uncertain of how much she should say. She turned to Eric for guidance.

“Nora, this is Brooklynne, my progeny.”

“A pleasure, I’m sure…” Nora mumbled thoughtfully. “What is she? She smells amazing.”

“She’s…” Eric pondered. “… complicated.”

“Right…” she said, suspicious. “And I suppose that light is part of the… complications.”

“What light?”

“The light that came out of your progeny, causing Hayes to drive us into this field.”

Eric looked at Brooklynne with regret. She exposed herself to save him, putting herself in danger.

“Like I said. It’s complicated.”

“Well,” she sighed, resigned to stay in the dark, “’complicated’ is an improvement from that whore you keep around.”

“Nora!” Eric hissed, threateningly.

Brooklynne frowned. Perhaps her contempt for Pam was what kept the two apart for so long. She couldn’t help but wonder if Eric trusted any of them. She thought she knew him, but she just realized she had many, many things to figure out about him still. The fact he kept her true identity from Nora meant he didn’t trust her entirely either, or perhaps, it was just the Authority that made him nervous. But finding out about Nora’s existence that night rose many questions that she didn’t have time to ask at the moment.

“Help me turn the car around,” Nora asked Bill. “Let’s see if it can drive us somewhere safe for the day.”

Eric gestured Brooklynne to follow him and they made their way to the road in silence. She tried hard not to explore his thoughts.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a sister?”

“We don’t tell anyone we’re related. It’s for everyone’s safety.”

“Okay. Why didn’t you tell her who I was? She thinks I’m a vampire.”

“She saw your speed and strength, she already knew you were a vampire.”

“But you don’t trust her enough to tell her the truth.”

“She works for the Authority. If she ever gets caught for being ‘against the current agenda’ she’ll get tortured and asked about everything that she knows. I told you, you can’t trust anyone.”

“So what? I’m just supposed to pretend to be a vampire now? To sleep all day? Pretend I don’t eat human food?”

“Only around Nora, which you won’t be for long.”

She sighed. “Right. So… what do we do now?”

“We do nothing. Nora will get Bill and I out of here. We’ll have new identities, we’ll be safer once we get out of the country.”

“What? What do you mean? I’m coming with you.”

“No, you’re not.”

Brooklynne gasped as she took a step back. It felt like a slap in the face.

“The Authority has no knowledge of your existence, there is no warrant out for you arrest, you can go back to Bon-Temps, be with your sister.”

“No! No way.”

“Brooklynne.”

He put his hands on both her shoulders as he looked down at her.

“It’s not safe to come with me. They will hunt me down until they catch me.”

“So?”

“So, you’ll be safer in Bon-Temps. Stay with Pam. I’ll be in touch, I’ll call, I’ll…”

“Eric, I am not going back to Bon-Temps without you. I’m not going anywhere without you. You promised! We promised.”

“The life that’s waiting for me is not worth living.”

“No life is worth living without you, how many times do I have to say it?!”

“Brook-“

“No! I have no life without you, Eric. You are my life. You gave me immortality and you better be sure I’m going to spend it with you. You will not abandon me here!”

“Brooklynne,” he sighed as he brought her to his chest.

He placed a kiss on the top of her head as he hugged her.

“This isn’t what I wanted for you.”

“I know. But it’s better than nothing.”

He backed away and placed his hands on both sides of her face.

“I love you,” he said as dark red tears appeared in his eyes.

She gave him a sad smile. “I love you too. More than anything.”

He leaned over to kiss her. His lips capturing hers like it was the first and last time they would do so. He held her tightly to him, as to stop her from slipping away.

He released her reluctantly, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs, and returning her sad smile.

“Forgive me.”

She frowned. But she didn’t get the time to express her confusion as he swiftly twisted her head, breaking it in a horrible sound that will haunt him forever.

The end… ?

**********

Tags: @thepoet1975 @nerdysandwichqueen @catchmeupimgettingoutofhere @raegan-hale @colie87 @heavenly1927 @abbey7103 @with-love-maddie

#true blood #eric x oc #eric northman #bill x sookie #sookie stackhouse #fanfic #fanfiction #imagine #oc #reader #eric x reader #pam #sookie x oc #sookie x reader #jason stackhouse #bad ending #i'm sorry please don't hate me no idk when I'll update or even if I ever will

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ambidextrousarcher · 4 years ago

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Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews-Episode 22: In which horny deer rishis set off a chain of events.

Hello everyone! I’m back after a VERY long hiatus, had some real life issues to deal with, along with the aggravation of changing an url and some online drama too. And I’m right in time for Diwali, too, yay! Happy Diwali, people! Also Happy Children’s day!

Tagging my usual taglist: @ambitiousandcunning @medhasree @shaonharryandpannisim @hermioneaubreymiachase @hindumyththoughts @chaanv @ratnas-musings @whydoyoucareaboutmyusername @justahappyreindeer @milesbianmorales @allegoriesinmediasres @pratigyakrishnaki @iamnotthat @adishaktis @ratnas-musings. Enjoy your day, everyone!

Review is under the cut.

PS: Nila updates- The Sarcastic StarBharat review of episode 18 is missing from my blog for some reason, I’ll reupload it. Also, for anyone who’s listening to my song covers, the next items are Karam Ki Talwar from Arjun the Warrior Prince, Moh Moh Ke Dhage from Dum Laga Ke Haisha and Jo Beji Thi Dua, from Shangai.

Okay. Rehash is in order, along with some new nicknames. Till the last episode, Madri has reached Hastinapur, the precap of the last episode makes it clear that this is the episode with horny deer rishis.

I had made a numbering mistake in counting the number of canon fails, my bad, so, as of now, we’re at canon fail #49.

Here’s the nickname rehash and additions to be made-

1. Bhishm-Mr. Paragon of Perfection

2. Dhritrashtra- Mr. Drama Queen (Honorary mention-DisasterRashtra, courtesy of @iamnotthat)

3. Pandu-Honey Boy/Lord of Cheesy Lines

4. Gandhari-Ms. Always Patnidharma

5. Shakuni-Mr. Ominous Music/Mr. Annoying Poseur

6. Karn-Mr. Glitterwash

7. Kunti-Ms. Melodrama/Lady of Cheesy Lines

8. Amba (deceased)-Psycho Princess

9. Satyavati-Psycho Mum

10. Vichitraveerya (deceased)-Drunk Kid

Here are the new additions:

11. Vidur (finally)- Picking the line where he likens himself to a thorn during Pandu’s coronation, he’s Mr. Weepy Thorn.

12. Madri-Ms. Smarmy Tears

13. Krishn-(Parody version, anyway, also, FINALLY) Mr. Excess Gyaandaan.

Now, let’s get to business.

Alright, so, last episode, Gandhari was told that Drama Queen wants her in his chambers. Being the aadarsh, Ms. Always Patnidharma that she is, she goes immediately, and that’s where today’s episode of choice begins.

She stumbles in and stutters out her usual ‘Husband?’ (International viewers, please note, Hotstar has rolled out the English subtitles for your most unfavorite show. It translates ‘Arya’ as Lord, but I’m keeping the ‘husband’ variation, because no.)

Anyway. He shushes her. ‘Don’t say anything, Gandhari, just listen. The mind is so weird, isn’t it?’ Okay…why this sudden volte face? Ah, he’s trying to apologise, I guess? He says that he was absorbed in his negative emotions of hurt, grief and jealousy, but when no news of Honey Boy came from the battlefield, he realized that he still worries and cares for his little brother, and that he was merely unfortunate, not conspired against, concluding that he was unjust to Honey Boy. O…kay? Should I count this as a canon fail? Canon Dhritrashtra can be two-faced, so eh, leave it.

Ms. Patnidharma is shaking her head next to him, because of course, she’s that much of a doormat. ‘I was unfair to you too. I had rejected you, Gandhari, but if I realise my mistake, will you accept me?’ Ah. I see what this is. Anvil-shadowing. Just before Pandu ‘loses’ his ability to ‘be a husband’ Drama Queen and Patnidharma make up with each other. Newsflash, writers: Nothing is this clean cut.

Of course, that was precisely the opening Ms. Patnidharma was waiting for, so she feels her husband up as they hug. Drama Queen’s heart, apparently, very anomalously, is overflowing with happiness, now that he has unloaded his weakness onto Patnidharma, or so he says. Don’t believe him, though, don’t be the naïve idiot Patnidharma is, because that weakness of his wreaks bloody wrecking ball havoc in the future.

‘So what if I don’t become the King?’ Excuse me. I just choked on my water. What’s up with this volte-face? Just what? ‘I have more respect here than the King himself!’ I think I’m gonna count this as canon fail #50 because nah, he ain’t gonna say this in any adaptation that’s sane. And of course, since he’s randy too, it seems, he goes ‘When you give me a son, he’ll be the eldest son and King after Pandu. I’ll also get the pleasure of being a King. Will you give me the gift of such a talented son?’ Ah. So that’s what the volte-face is for. Canon fail #50 cancelled. Drama Queen would say anything at all to get his way, that’s right. Patnidharma, predictably, goes all gushy. ‘Yes, husband, for your sake, I’ll go to the portals of Yamlok themselves!’ Ah, sheesh, sometimes, watching this show makes me think that I should projectile-yeet myself to Yamlok.

He laughs. ‘When the time comes,’ he says, ‘we’ll go to the portals of death together, Gandhari.’ Well, that, at least, is true. He continues that they still have many happy moments to experience. She nods, melting into his embrace.

Scene changes to a green vista, the whickering of horses heard. Madri, henceforth known as Ms. Smarmy Tears, is laughing, Ms. Melodrama being stony faced and stoic. (That’s a change, though the music manages to make even THAT dramatic) The camera focuses on a deer, and Smarmy asks Honey Boy to stop, because it’s a beautiful deer. Okay…I know what’s coming up next. Anvil-shadowing, anyone? I realise it was very long ago when we were introduced to Ms. Melodrama, but I’ll give you a short rehash. She was introduced saving a deer from hunters. Anyone got the hint? It’s an obvious ‘Madri is an evil witch!’ gambit. Please do not take it. I know that in canon, Kunti and Madri probably had a fractious relationship given the whole fracas over the boon, but I refuse to believe Madri would be this transparently biatch-y.

And…bingo! Smarmy says that the deer is absolutely unique, and follows it up with a request for its skin. Melodrama, of course, is having none of it. She passionately launches into defence of the deer’s children who’d be orphaned, basically echoing her very first piece of dialogue on this show. Do you think there’s a chance that they dubbed it in? I mean…I wouldn’t be able to say that twice with a straight face. But, whatever gives, I guess. Fawn get orphaned often, goes Smarmy. It’s not like I’m asking you for the position of the Queen, can’t you do this much for me? Since StarB has a thing of making women either bitches or doormat ditches, its Honey Boy who cuts in. ‘Speak of good things alone.’ Did this guy get a theology class between the ‘war’ and this moment? ‘I’ll get the deer for you, the rest of you please stay here.’ And then the show takes yet another opportunity to set Melodrama as good and Smarmy as bad, as Melodrama tries to give Smarmy a moral lesson about abstaining from killing for no reason, and Smarmy going all casteist (not sure if that’s the right word, since afaik Kunti’s maternal family are also Kshatriyas? Yadava is not one family. It’s an entire dynasty.) And here’s canon fail #50 and #51. #50 is the fact that Pandu, in canon, hunts the deer because he wants to. Madri has nothing to do with it in the text. #51 because the jibe about Yadavs being shepherds that Madri makes smacks of a misconception about politics in the MBH. The idea of ‘Yadavas’ being shepherds is present because of the lore of Krishn and Balaram in Gokul. While I’m sure there might be some branches of the family that may dabble in those pursuits, typically, considering the social structure of that time, Kunti’s family is of quite royal pedigree.

The scene switches to Honey Boy looking for deer, listening attentively to the rustling leaves. Really, this question goes for canon too, haven’t these guys learnt a thing at all from the whole Dashrath/Sravan Kumar fracas? That it is TOTALLY not a good idea to just randomly shoot in a random forest, anyone? At least sight the prey a little, no?

Regardless, he shoots an arrow, the tell-tale thunk is heard, followed by a human scream (the typically serial-ish ‘nahi, nahi!’ aka ‘no, no!’). Alarmed, he sets off in pursuit of the sound. The camera focuses on a bloody arrow then showing us a rishi and a rishin. ‘Maharishi Kidam?’ exclaims Pandu. ‘It was you?’ ‘What have you done? You shot an arrow without recognizing me! I was dallying (read: deer hanky-panky-ing) with my wife in the form of a deer, and you shot an arrow without considering that the grace and the form of the deer could only mean it is such?’ Okay, for all that I want to call this canon fail #52, I’ll be honest…because such a scene, at least one of Pandu killing Kidama when he’s in sexual congress with his wife in the form of a deer does happen. Sometimes, *sigh* canon itself is quite strange.

But…in the whole of this thing, I have an observation to make, a few questions to ask, in the context of this serial:

1. Madri saw only one deer? What was the deer rishi doing, a deer mating ritual of some sort? Where was the wife then?

2. Does what he said mean that there might be…other rishis doing deer hanky panky?

3. Kidama was a rishi, right? He’d have figured out Pandu wants the ‘deer’ when he saw them and vanished? He could have, IDK, sprinted off real quick, or turned back into human, or just vanished once more. Why escalate it this much?

Honey Boy is very contrite and begs for forgiveness. Canon fail #53. In canon, he basically goes, well, Kings hunt deer, why cry about it? (That is, the dialogue given to Madri to establish her as ‘bad’) The deer rishi brings up the Dashrath point I gave above and says that Honey Boy’s crime can’t be pardoned, that he shouldn’t have killed a man in congress with his wife, so he curses him that he’ll die the moment he’ll have congress with any woman. Canon fail #54. The original curse specifies ‘his loved one’ not any random woman.

Cue dramatic panoramic shot and dramatic title bgm. Honey Boy is in tears. The rishi dies.

Scene changes and we’re back in Hastina, where the court fool is entering. He says he has a lot of questions. Mr. Weepy Thorn prompts him to ask his questions. So there’s this long drawn out riddle session that’s set up to predict that Gandhari is pregnant, and Drama Queen will be experiencing the love of a son soon. There’s happiness all round, lots of hugs too. Of course, this show takes no rest from anvil shadowing either, so exactly at this moment enters Honey Boy with his wives. Honey Boy is welcomed with joy and immediately apprised of the news. In his head, the dying deer rishi’s words echo, even as his wives smile by his side. (Ah, apparently, there’s anvil juxtaposition, too! Whee!)

Anyway. Satyavati notices he ain’t looking happy and she asks him if he got what she said. He manages to sponge her off, hug his brother and congratulate him. When he does that, Annoying Poseur closes his eye.

As he ascends the throne, deer rishi’s words come back to him, asking what kind of a King he is. Honey Boy refrains from climbing the final stair, turning. He says that he has something of great importance to announce, confessing that he has killed Kidama and is no longer worthy of being a King.

His announcement is met with shock all around, as he renounces the throne of Hastina. Cue dramatic title bgm again. Camera focuses on Satyavati (who’s quite less psycho nowadays), then panning one by one to Drama Queen, Paragon of Perfection, Smarmy, Melodrama, Patnidharma, Ambika, Ambalika, a grinning Poseur (both eyes open), back to Honey boy and Mr. Paragon as he drops his angvastr limply.

Scene changes as Mr. Perfection walks inside Honey Boy’s chambers and they have an argument about his responsibilities. Honey Boy puts forward that for all that Satyavati wants a worthy King, he is no longer worthy, that even Indra renounced heaven for the killing of a sage and meditated for eons, that mere charity and abstinence as suggested by Mr. Thorn and Kripacharya won’t be enough. He continues that the duty of a King, the man who holds the royal scepter is to dispense justice to his people. He asks who would mete justice out on a King? The camera pans out to Mr. Perfection, standing mute, ending the episode.

Alright, this whole thing is canon fail #55. Pandu does not go back to Hastina, he sets out immediately to atone. Also #56, his wives know everything as he does. He doesn’t keep it hidden from them.

Precap: ‘But the crime was ours’ says Smarmy. ‘the punishment, however, has to be borne by our yet unborn children!’ ‘You can’t ever have children.’ Announces Honey Boy, going on to inform them of the curse.

#sarcastic starbharat reviews #scribbler scribbles #nila writes #nila rants #nila gets salty #pandu #aka honey boy #kunti #aka ms melodrama #dhritrashtra #aka drama queen #gandhari #aka ms always patnidharma #madri #aka ms. smarmy tears #bhishm #aka paragon of perfection #diwali update

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inugamibeyi · 4 years ago

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Finallyyyy I was able to draw my Kemono Jihen oc ! Nota bene : Today, on 02/25/2021, there hasn’t been any information in the manga (I’ve read 49 chapters) about mermaids ! So my oc is only based on the few things I know about the lore and my own imagination. This might explain mistakes about mermaids and Alma ! Now, let’s have fun with her ! -------------------

IEVANOV Alma - Mermaid 28 yo (born on March 11th) - born near Russia Favorite food : Tonkatsu Not-so-favorite food : cheese (which clashes with Shiki who wonders how you can dislike pizza’s main ingredient) Udon or Soba ? Doesn’t care as long as it’s tasty Okay with being on display ? Totally disagrees (has been exploited by a human for 8 years) First thing she did when she arrived at Tokyo : Buy clothes Favorite part of the human culture ? Books (especially whodunits) Least favorite part of the human culture ? Social networks (but mainly due to a fear of being found again by Tachibana. She avoids them as much as possible)

----------------------------------------- Alma is the only female employee from Inugami Detective Office. She’s also Inugami’s first employee, as she’s been there for 6 years (from 22 to 28). She considers that she has a debt towards Inugami as he freed her from the man that was exploiting her powers back in Hokkaido. Alma spent 8 years locked in the pool of a japanese’s millionaire’s mansion, Tachibana Haruto. He used her powers to stay young and healthy, mermaid tears being able to heal wounds, cure disease and stop and even reverse lightly the body’s aging.

Mermaids powers aren’t very strong compared to other kemonos. They seem to be mainly focused on surviving and escaping. It allows them : - A sharp vision : Mermaid have perfect eyes. Their sight is precise, they can see without difficulties on wide areas and can even see in the dark.

- A strong stamina and a slower aging : Compared to human, mermaids only needs 3 to 4 hours of sleep per night. Their bodies being used to swimming all day, they can endure longer days of work without feeling tired. Thanks to their healing and regenerating powers, it also appears that mermaid age slower.

- The Sing : Mermaid’s voice were mainly focused on tricking their prey so they can hunt and eat them easier. The song of a mermaid mainly affects persons that feel attraction toward women, but it doesn’t always work (uneffective on asexual person as an exemple) but mermaid can also decides to focus on one person (which Alma tried to do with Tachibana, but it didn’t work). With time, this ability mutated, leaving mermaid able to do many things while using their voice, such as, for exemple, erasing or replacing some memories.

- The wave : Basically, it’s a form of defense that allows mermaid to escape. It’s a big scream that’ll provoc a sound wave, leaving the enemy unable to move, when they simple don’t faint because of the sound. Isn’t deadly but buys time.

- Healing tears : Mermaid tears contains something (unlike Aya’s thread, nobody can perfectly explain what it is) that is able to heal wounds and prevent bodies from disease. Yet it doesn’t seems all efficient, because what the tears give you seems to be balanced by a shorten lifespan. Alma doesn’t really know how long she’ll be able to live, but she thinks she’ll live for 400 yo without having trouble.

Inugami freed her after hearing the story of a man in Hokkaido that doesn’t age and the other story of a woman who sings her sadness, making whoever hears her voice cry for hours. Alma being afraid that she’ll have nowhere to go, and most importantly, fearing she’ll be kidnapped again, choosed to stay by Inugami’s side, trying to assist him and help other kemonos. Being at first very naive and curious, about everything, Alma quickly learned how humans’ world works and got used to it. Her curiosity also helped her to adapt very fast, Alma being the kind of person who doesn’t have any trouble to focus and work for a long time (probably thanks to the fact that mermaids have to keep swimming no matter what they do, which helped her to develop a strong stamina and a small need to sleep). She was able to understand quickly the new world she was stepping in and had no problem to blend in. Alma grew up to be less naive and childish, turning into a person who tends to think a lot before acting, making her a good advisor for Inugami. She also tends to be tougher than him, especially on food. She doesn’t want him to eat junkfood all day because he’s too lazy to cook. She’s strongwilled and doesn’t hesitate to scold him on the points she judges important. Even if Inugami thinks she can be annoying, he knows that’s her way to care about them. When it comes to fighting, Alma’s abilities aren’t the best so what she can’t do with powers, she completes it with training and strenght. Inugami taught her how to shoot and realised her sharp vision would make her a nice sniper. He taught her how to use a longshot gun. When Mihai came, he was able to create her bullets that are effectives against Kemono. Alma’s relationships are pretty good in the Inugami Detective office. She just doesn’t like the way Shiki tends to ask for pizza almost everyday, despite the fact that she’s cooking for them when she’s in Tokyo. But he is a nice boy and he is smart. Despite her differences with Akira, she tends to be nice with him, as long as he doesn’t post her face on his social media (which truly makes him sad because he thinks Alma’s pretty face could boost his account). She likes the bubbly side o his personnality, she thinks he lightens the mood. Kabane made her unconfortable at first : this kid just didn’t said anything to her. He was just sitting quietly and watching, and doing the chores. But when Inugami explained her his past, she tried to help him to feel fine at the office, by learning him how to cook since he wanted her to do it. She took a liking in him, seeing a little bit of her younger self in that curious, yet naive young boy. Mihai... Oh Mihai... Perhaps it’s her worst relationship here. She knows he deserves his place at the office and doesn’t say he’s useless but... He’s just so annoying ! Annoying her, pulling the curls in her hair just to mess with her (”but they’re bouncy” he says)... So she just messes back with him, intentionally turning down the wifi, making some sarcasms... Yet they tend to help each other when they need to (Mihai helping her to create her weapon’s bullets, Alma translating for him documents but also the dialogues for his game and editing some videos for his channel). Guess it’s a “I like you/I hate you” relationship. Then Inugami, or “Kohachi” for her. She’s the only person who calls him by his first name, both of them being adults and Alma being here for many years now. Kohachi is Alma’s savior. She’s loyal to him for freeing her from Tachibana. He also the one who offered her a home and a work, leading her to be able to start a new life. He’s also the one who helped her to learn more about mermaids and how to use her powers. She did everything she could to make sure he understood how thankful she was. She took care of him, she helped him with work, paperwork, she helped him to gain more informations... With both of them actively helping each other, their relationship sure went fine... Too fine. Were they helping each other because they needed to or because they deeply cared about the other one ? Were they living under the same roof because Alma had nowhere else to go or because both of them wanted her to stay ? When they were together, they were flustered, yet happy. Flustered by the way people were calling her his wife. The way he thanked her for the food, the way she scolded him for his cigarettes, saying she didn’t want him to have troubles because of a shitty stick. The way they looked at each other, the sweet smell of her hair, the way she had to get on her tiptoes when she wanted to fix his tie... He remembered their few moments of weakness, ending in each other’s arms while the children were heavily sleeping, how they desperately moaned, swallowing their voice in order to remain silent, keeping the night they shared as a secret. And the next day, living as if nothing happened, pretending he stole her shampoo when Kabane noticed how Kohachi smelled like Alma. “ Hey, Kohachi ? - Hm ? - Let’s put an end to that. - ... To what ? - To our secret. - What ? Oh... I thought you were enjoying this... Guess I’m really that bad huh ? “

His sarcasm and his dumb playing only earned him a light slap on the arm, as Alma laughed. “I don’t want it to be a secret anymore, I... I think I like you... - You know you’ll have to deal with Akira putting us on Instagram to “celebrate it” ? - Oh, shit, I haven’t though about... Wait, is that a “yes” ? - What else could it be ?” As he was trying to light up his cigarette, she smiled while snatching it from him. He knew she was messing with him... Yet he just pulled her closer, his arms around her waist as she was putting hers behind his neck. It was their first kiss that wasn’t in a hurry, that wasn’t almost stolen while they were sharing their nights together. It felt different. Better. “ I love you... - Me too. “ They stayed in each other’s arms for a few seconds, now realising what happened. “ So... We’re a couple ? - Yup. Sounds like you’re stuck with me, young lady. - “Oh no, my crush is liking me back, I wonder how I’ll manage to survive that”. - I just wondered how you didn’t notice before... - I’m gonna break that cigarette, Kohachi. - Wait don’t, it’s expens- “ *snap* Oh. Oh shit. “ Guyyyys ! They confessed ! They confessed ! - Well... Shit. - Akira ! Don’t post that picture, I swear to god I’ll break that stupid phone !”

#kemono jihen #kemono squad now has a mom #inugami kohachi x oc #kemono jihen oc #kemono incidents

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rorykillmore · 6 years ago

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also you can maybe save this for after you see the new suspiria or answer it now, But what are some of your overall thoughts on it?? what do you think about how some of the characters are going to be/are adapted? is old man tilda swinton the best character?

okay i remembered you sent me an ask about this so i’m just gonna put all my more detailed thoughts here

with the necessity of SPOILERS so if care about that and you wanna wait to read this then nw!!

i feel like this really is a movie you need to see multiple times to properly grasp even if you go into it knowing what to expect because there’s just so much it’s asking you to take in. not so much in terms of plot but in terms of meaning?? like there’s the very obvious... political meaning of the coven being drawn parallel to divided berlin and this kind of message about rebirth and the idea that you have to accept the sins of the past in order to move on from them. and it’s also trying to say a lot about motherhood, and about sisterhood, and just the very complicated love between women in general

on that note i guess i’ll start by talking about susie and madame blanc who are, in the weirdest way, the heart of this movie. tilda’s madame blanc is nothing like the original version of the character, but obviously she’s not supposed to be. in this version she’s... this very complicated character who also came off as very conflicted to me. like in general the coven in this movie is fraught with conflict and division and differences in opinion and blanc is clearly a little bit uncertain about the proper path forward for them but...

the other really interesting thing they did is make her conflicted about susie. who is, in this version of the story, the new “vessel” the coven has supposedly chosen to embody helena markos, who is dying in her old body. because isn’t she always. and even as susie herself becomes more and more fascinated with this idea of power and belonging even at the cost of great personal sacrifice, at potentially becoming something that’s no longer herself, you see blanc like? almost in pain over it? for the simple fact that she and susie develop this weird intense bond over the course of the movie and that they love each other.

anyways i could go on about THAT but for the sake of not making this too long i’ll just settle for saying those were two of my favorite performances in the movie and both actresses did incredibly well!

this is honestly just tilda swinton’s movie, in general, like i know i joked about her old man character but she actually did a great job with him. i found him kind of distracting at first because while the prosthetics are good, he still sounds like her (although my dad was shocked to find out that tilda swinton played him so idk to each their own i guess,) but i was sold in the end because he gets a couple of the movie’s most emotionally shattering moments.

mia goth as sara also did a beautiful job. she didn’t have a TON to do but she was just so charming and sympathetic that it’s hard not to be engaged by her when she’s on screen and to really, really feel for her when her part in the narrative. well. ends. and i also just really love mia goth, so,

what else... well i feel like i’d be remiss not to at least comment on the infamous olga scene. which i think the most horrifying thing about it is that i can’t even call it a “death” scene, because, well, they ain’t done with poor olga after that!

but it’s... definitely a watch. not as scarring as i thought it might be probably just because i spent SO much time worrying about it, but it’s brutal. though also, i know this is gonna sound weird, but... fucking impressive from a technical standpoint? they used almost no cgi; it’s mostly prosthetic and actor performance. the actress - i forget her name now, elena something or other - is a professional dancer who learned those contortions herself. and this was actually her first acting job and she was great!!! although also like, what a first impression to make,

just in general it’s such a technically impressive and visually beautiful movie to watch. nothing like argento’s version (with the exception of the ending, which is... almost shocking in how suddenly it becomes a kind of homage) but still beautiful in its own right. thom yorke’s score is perfect. i already knew that because i’ve been listening to it but there are certain scenes that it just punctuates BEAUTIFULLY

and the ending.... is fucking batshit and i don’t think there’s anything i can say that could prepare someone, it kind of defies description, but

it’s also kind of the most bizarrely poignant part of the movie

there’s a thing that happens with patricia, olga, and sara at the very end that made me tear up and then i was just kind of crying into the epilogue because it’s. idk. it goes off the wall and then it suddenly gets very human! and i don’t want to ruin this particular thing for anyone but the mater suspiriorum is not quite what you’d expect her to be both in presentation and in action and there was so much meaning in that alone

so yeah i’m still trying to wrap my head around.... a lot of it but i really loved it and connected with a lot of what it was trying to say, personally. i think a lot of filmmakers also could and should learn from this interpretation of what it means to be a remake, aka taking something really important to you and injecting your own meaning into it rather than just trying to recreate it. it’s good. i love it in a very different way than i love the original. it’ll probably stay with me a long time.

#thanks jay!!#this turned into a ramble but #jougletmann

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swmblog-blog · 7 years ago

Text

SW: Aho-Girl

SHOTGUN REVIEW: Aho-Girl (2017)

Mia: Hey Rice. Rice: what Mia: What is Aho-Girl? Rice: Aho-Girl is an anime about dumb people who eat fruit and cry a lot. Rice: Actually, bananas are a berry, so it’s about dumb people who eat berries and cry a lot. Mia: ahem Mia: That being considered Mia: p gud innit Rice: Stop stealing my socioeconomic dialect Mia: What is Aho Girl ACTUALLY, you absolute knob. Rice: Ladies and gents Aho-Girl is a show following Yoshiko, a girl who is somehow less intelligent than I am, and her involuntary friend Akutsu who just wants to get some goddamn study in. Join them in their everyday adventures as- Mia: Nevermind, I’ll sum it up. Mia: Aho-Girl is an adaption of a manga essentially centering around the antics around the protagonist, the titular Aho Girl, and her big ol’ tsundere childhood friend. It’s mostly comprised of shorts, five minutes at most. Very heavily comedy centered. Mia: If you’re still interested after that premise, the show’s worth checking out for yourself.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

STORY

Mia: I don’t think this anime really had a story. Most people’s knowledge of this series is just it being the source of most BEGONE THOT memes. Rice: I actually had no idea what it was, first I had heard of it as an actual thing was when you brought it up Rice: Though admittedly I had seen the “can I squeeze your boobies for science” cap somewhere before Rice: I agree with you, the anime has no story. It’s kind of just that thing where you tune in for a few minutes, turn off your brain, and laugh at the jokes (just like Yoshiko) Mia: It’s what Slice of Life should be, basically. That being said, it wasn’t poorly paced and it certainly holds your attention for 11 min at a time. Rice: The story is the weakest part of the entire thing, you’re honestly probably not there because a show called “idiot girl” promises an exciting and riveting plot Mia: Yeah basically. The bulk of the focus is really just whoever on the cast wants to bonk A-kun, but it doesn’t get tiresome with every premise. Mia: I guess I should also mention it’s very shamelessly focused on fanservice so. Mia: That’s not quite everyone’s bag. Rice: If you showed up and went “I absolutely cannot follow this, it has no story, 0/10” then you’ve found the wrong experience

CHARACTERS

Mia: Probably the best part Rice: i absolutely agree

Yoshiko Hanabatake

Mia: What can you even say about Yoshiko. Mia: She spends the entire show on the same sugar high and it’s never not entertaining. Rice: The only thing I can say about this is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Mia: Fitting for Yoshiko I guess. Mia: You can’t really put it into words. She’s the personification of the Genki Girl type and that comes out best in her antics. You have to watch it, really. Rice: Speaking of, I looked up a few opinions on the show myself, and it’s perfectly categorised into two groups Rice: You’ve got the people who didn’t like the comedy, and went “This show is the epitome of brain-numbingly dumb” Rice: And the people who did like the comedy, and went “I rate this show 4 bananas out of a bunch” Rice: Yoshiko’s characterisation was probably important in that, if you didn’t like her character then buckle up boyo you’re in for 12 more episodes of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Mia: Pretty much.

Akuru Akutsu

Rice: I absolutely cannot relate to Akutsu. Rice: er, A-kun Rice: Study? No thank you. definitely not me irl. Mia: The thing with A-kun is that he’d be an absolutely tiresome harem protagonist anywhere else. But he actually has a definitive, likable character. Even when he’s beating the shit out of the protagonist for the entirety of his time with her. Rice: Advocating for violence against women isn’t cool, Mia. And neither is study, which I would argue is somehow even less cool, because at least the other one has violence in it Rice: Also I guess I just don’t watch enough degenerate anime trashpiles because I don’t understand what constitutes a “harem protagonist” despite the obvious Rice: Though I feel like despite being what is more or less the deuteragonist, he doesn’t steal the spotlight, which is... probably a good thing Mia: You absolute plebian. You need to watch more Chinese shadow sock puppet shows. Mia: But yes, on his own, the series would be much weaker, so the fact he isn’t the focus is good. Rice: He was still kind of a bland character in the full scope of the show though Rice: Like I’m not gonna fault the character for that, it’s just hard to get invested into the straight-man study dude when you’ve got a gorilla woman who can’t keep her skirt down and someone literally called BOOB PRESIDENT in the same show Mia: You’re not there to get invested, I think is the point. You need the Straight Man to play off of the antics of all the other weird characters.

Sayaka Sumino

Rice: I would hug the SHIT out of Sayaka Mia: A little too much of the Ingenue for my tastes but she doesn’t fall into the cliches usually associated with that archetype. Rice: I have absolutely no idea what that means, because some people don’t live on the TVTropes website, but I get the gist of what you’re saying Rice: Like even with saying that I get the feeling Sayaka is a very archetypical “shy girl” character you expect out of this kind of show Rice: But I would still give her a hug Rice: Are you telling me you would reject a hug from Sayaka? Mia: I’m saying this show got you hook, line, and sinker. Rice: I’m just saying I would hug the shit outta Sayaka

BOOB PRESIDENT

Rice: BOOB PRESIDENT Mia: I’d chastise you for beating that joke into the ground Mia: But Yoshiko does the exact same thing. Rice: BOOB PRESIDENT Mia: Stop that. Rice: BOOB PRESIDENT Rice: Usually “haha boobs and butts xd” jokes cringe me into the 46th dimension but the boob jokes with BOOB PRESIDENT were somehow so tasteless it looped around, overflowed, and became funny again Mia: She’s just got enough of a comedic character to balance out being the butt of every lewd joke. If she did literally nothing, it’d be creepy. But half the time, she’s trying to molest one of the leads while being hypocritical about it.

PRODUCTION QUALITY

Mia: Nothing outstanding for a summer Slice of Life anime, but there’s effort here. I’ve never heard of the studio this came out of so I can’t judge if it was likely sweatshopped or not. Mia: The little touches like the shift in artstyle in the different little skits definitely help give it variety too. Rice: It’s no Nichijou when it comes to that but it is a touch Rice: The base production quality of the show is fine, it has no glaring errors or something (at least visually) Rice: I’ve got the opening theme stuck in my head so that explains itself Rice: My personal favourite part of the anime as it is was the constantly changing intro, it’s not like one of those big shot animes where EVERYTHING IS EXPLODING so they probably had the resources to make every intro unique Rice: Even the one where it was literally just a sign that said “summer vacation” Mia: Right.

ACTORS

Mia: best VAs tbh Mia: Especially Yoshiko’s. (Aoi Yuki) Rice: I’m not really one to look at VAs (unless they’re ear-screechingly bad or something) but I can at least say at least nobody sounded awful Rice: I can appreciate the fact they made 5-year old Yoshiko sound the same as 15 year old Yoshiko though. Mia: I mean I guess it’s not prudent to review acting in a language you don’t speak BUT I honestly think Yuki really showed off her range in this. Rice: We’re all kuso weeaboo here it doesn’t really matter Rice: Also your fixation on Aoi Yuki is now concerning me Mia: I said she was good, how is that fixating? Mia: Fine, I’ll go ahead and say the other VA’s did well too. They weren’t cringey and got into the part well enough. Rice: Voice actors are definitely a strong point for this anime, you heard it first. Go ahead and load up Aho-Girl so you can be thoroughly swayed by the sweet sounds of Aoi Yuki telling you to look at her panties Mia: I’m done with this >:( Rice: You brought up Aoi Yuki first

SUMMARY

MIA’S VERDICT - 7.5/10 (Well Above Average) A lot of good here. Not a lot of substance, but that’s not what you’re here for. Overall, a fun little series that doesn’t waste your time.

RICE’S VERDICT - 10/10 (IT’S LIKE SHOOTING UP POTASSIUM) My friends, there is nothing more enjoyable than kicking up your feet and injecting AHO-GIRL directly into your veins. I thoroughly enjoyed over an hour of banana and I think you should too. In intermediate school someone fucking told me bananas were herbs and I believed them until I looked up “banana” on wikipedia 40 minutes ago, they’re actually berries, fuck you Tom from Room 1.

#review #critique #aho girl #aho-girl #ahogirl #aho #girl #アホガール #Yoshiko Hanabatake #Hanabatake Yoshiko #anime #begone thot #B E G O N E

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sapphicscholar · 7 years ago

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hi so I didn't know who to ask but in my psych class we're learning about adolescent psychology, & there was this unit on developing interest in relationships. It went way into detail on how the brain changes during that time, which was interesting, but ofc my gay ass couldn't relate. at the end all it said was 'it's different for homosexuals.' I guess I'm wondering if you know of any way to learn about psychology relating to LGBT people? srsly im thirsty for anything in academia I can relate to

(same psych anon) that was a pretty specific question so I guess like do you have any info or know of any links/ websites/places to learn about lgbt history and lives and stuff like that in an academic way? bc I love school & learning but I’ve always wanted to learn more about myself and people like me, but they never teach that in schools.

Oh my gosh SO MANY THINGS! Okay, so, the psych stuff is pretty outside of my knowledge but I asked my gf (she does the science in this relationship while my gay ass just reads a whole lot of books), and she recommends Helen Fisher and looking at the researchers at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality or the Kinsey Institute, as well as The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ Studies (it’s an online resource a lot of universities subscribe to). But I’d also say that as far as thinking about developmental narratives, LGBTQ memoirs are a great place to start, especially since so many of them go through their own experiences of having to confront this heteronormative, cis-centric narrative that just doesn’t fit them and their lives.

So some good queer history authors are: John D’Emilio (comprehensive, if a bit male-centric), Lillian Faderman (writing all about lesbian history, including more recent history; very well-respected; she’s got some issues in her scholarship that by no means discount it as a whole, but I’m happy to talk more about if you want), Michael Bronski (his Queer History of the United States is really accessible), George Chauncey (it’s just of NYC, but still fun), Estelle B. Freedman, Foucault (though it’s not quite “history,” it’s a kind of history meets theory of regimes of power and how sexuality got tied up in that), Martha Vicinus (I adore her), Valerie Traub (goes all the way back to the early modern period), and so many others who really focus more on niche history, so I won’t list them here. There are some web resources, but I know a lot of them are databases that are subscription-based. I’ll see what I can’t dig up in the next couple of days as far as free websites. I know they exist; it’s just a matter of having the time to look…

Okay, you didn’t specifically say you were interested in literature but bc I taught literature and think it’s a great way to learn about the history of a group, I’m gonna list some anyway and you can feel free to disregard!

Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt (or Carol, depends on the year it was printed) – you can also check out the movie! I find the two to be complementary (the book gives you Therese’s POV almost exclusively, whereas the movie shows much more of Carol’s story)

Alison Bechdel, Fun Home is her graphic novel/memoir that’s really excellent, but the comic strip that sort of launched her as a public persona (at least within the lesbian community) was Dykes to Watch Out For, quite a bit of which is available for free online

Henry James, The Bostonians – one of the first recognizable depictions of a queer female character in literature (not really…I’d trouble that as a professor, but that’s how it gets taught in general, and it was one of the first books where even contemporary reviewers were quick to note that there was something “wrong” or “morbid,” which was 19th C. code for what would come to be understood as lesbian sexuality, about Olive Chancellor) – free online, though it’s James at his most….Jamesian, which means it’s not that accessible

The poetry of Emily Dickinson! It’s all free online. There’s a ton of it, though much of it isn’t obviously queer

James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room – gets into bisexual identity in a way a lot of works don’t do; on the sadder side…fair warning

Virginia Woolf! Especially Orlando or Mrs. Dalloway – the former has been called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (to Woolf’s longtime friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West) and deals with the fluidity of gender and time; the latter has quite a few flashbacks to the brief childhood romance of the protagonist and her friend. Both of them are great, but Woolf, as a modernist, can have a writing style that’s difficult to get into at first (for instance, time really isn’t stable or linear, which is something I adore about her, but definitely takes some getting used to). They’re both available free online through Project Gutenberg

Radclyffe Hall, The Well of Loneliness – it’s a classic, in the sense that it’s one of those books people sort of expect you to have read if you do lesbian literature. It’s certainly an interesting story and told well, but it’s not even close to a happy ending and is rather conciliatory to prevailing norms (though even still it was taken to the courts under the obscenity laws) - free online, though!

Sarah Waters – a contemporary novelist who writes almost all historical fiction about queer women! Some of her stories are better known (e.g. Tipping the Velvet), but they’re pretty much all great. Varying degrees of angst, but definitely an accessible read

Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts – sort of experimental in form (it’s fiction with footnotes!); it deals with a lesbian woman coming to terms with her partner’s transition and her own identity during the process

E.M. Forster, Maurice – even though it was first drafted in the 1910s, Forster edited it throughout his life, and, given the subject matter, which was also autobiographical, and the prevailing attitudes at the time, the book was only published posthumously in the 70s

Colette’s Claudine series – it’s long (multi-volume) but sort of a classic – they’re all old enough to be free online, though the English translation is harder to come by

Eileen Myles – lesbian poet and novelist – I’d recommend Inferno but some of her poetry is free online

Rita Mae Brown – Rubyfruit Jungle and Oranges Are not the Only Fruit are both quite good, though, especially the latter deals with religiously-motivated homophobia, so I know at least my girlfriend, who dealt with a lot of that from her family, opted not to read it for her own mental health.

Tony Kushner, Angels in America – this two-part play deals with the AIDS crisis in America – it’s been turned into a TV miniseries, a Broadway play, and a movie, some of which are available online

Really anything by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs – both are gay authors who deal a lot with short stories (a ton of memoir/autobiographical stuff) – the former is a bit funnier, but they both have enough sarcasm and dry wit even in dark situations to make them fast reads

Alan Ginsburg’s poetry

Walt Whitman’s poetry (though it can be really fucking racist)

Binyavanga Wainaina, One Day I Will Write About This Place – does deal with issues of sexual abuse as a warning

Anything by Amber Hollibaugh (she writes a lot about class and butch/femme dynamics – quite a bit of her stuff has been scanned and uploaded online)

Michelle Tea – was a slam poet; recovering alcoholic; fantastically funny and talented author and delightful human being if you ever get the chance to meet her or go to one of her readings

Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On – more a work of investigative journalism than anything, the work is a stunning indictment of the indifference of the US government during some of the worst years of the AIDS crisis, but it also provides a good bit of gay history

Terry Galloway Mean Little Deaf Queer – deals with one woman’s experience of losing her hearing and navigating the world and the Deaf and deaf communities as a once-hearing person – she’s sort of acerbic and always funny;

Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex – grapples with intersex identity in a way that’s still far too rare in literature

Theodore Winthrop, Cecil Dreem – just rediscovered about two years ago, this is one of the few pretty happy gay novels from the nineteenth century! Free online!

Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues – pretty clear from the title, but deals with a butch character’s struggles with gender identity (takes T to pass for a while, but then gets alienated from the lesbian community; eventually stops taking T, but still struggles with what that means for her) – Feinberg’s wife made it free online for everyone after Feinberg’s death (the book had a limited print run, which made finding copies both hard and expensive)

Harvey Fierstein, Torch Song Trilogy – trilogy later adapted for film about an effeminate gay man (who also performs as a drag queen) and his life and family

Oscar Wilde – his novels aren’t explicitly gay, but they often dance around it thematically, at least; his heartbreaking letter, De Profundis, which he wrote to his lover while imprisoned for “gross indecency,” is available online

Anything by Dorothy Alison

Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - great as a memoir and a cultural history

There’s so many more but this is so my jam I suspect I’ve already rambled too long

If you’re interested in film, here are a few:

Paris Is Burning (a film about drag ball culture in NYC)

Fire – Deepa Mehta (it’s on YouTube in the US)

Boys Don’t Cry – there is a lot of homophobia and transphobia in the film, so it’s definitely one you’ll want to be in the right mindset to watch (I, for one, have only watched it once)

But I’m a Cheerleader – over-the-top mockumentary-esque film that satirizes conversion therapy and the Christian “documentaries” that claimed to showcase their successes (RuPaul is in it as well)

Desert Hearts – one of the earliest films to leave open the possibility of a happy ending for the lesbian couple

Hedwig and the Angry Itch – deals with gender identity and feelings of not belonging (also a fabulous musical)

Philadelphia – about one man’s experience of discrimination while dying of AIDS

There are plenty of lighter films, but I figure these tend to also talk more seriously about some issues as well

I don’t know if anyone but me made it to the end of this post, but there’s also so much fun queer theory out there that I won’t get into here, but I’m always up for giving more recommendations!

#ask me #anon #professor rambles #lgbtq history #lgbtq literature #book recommendations #film recommendations

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gwynnew · 7 years ago

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How 'Frozen' has changed from screen to stage, including Elsa's brand new power ballad

Caissie Levy as Elsa, Patti Murin as Anna, and Jelani Alladin as Kristoff (Photo: Andrew Eccles/Disney Theatrical Group)

Composers Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez break down new moments and songs film fans will see in the stage musical, plus give an update on the status of the sequel.

When Yahoo Entertainment called Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez to talk about their Oscar-nominated Coco song “Remember Me”, the songwriters first had to find a quiet corner – because they were in a tech rehearsal for Broadway’s Frozen (in previews now). For the stage adaptation, the frequent Disney collaborators wrote 12 new songs to be performed alongside those from the 2013 film, including the mega-hit that won them their first Oscar for Best Original Song, “Let It Go.” Between Broadway rehearsals and Oscar luncheons, the married songwriting team is also working on a score for the Frozen sequel, about which little been revealed beyond a release date (November 2019) and the return of voice actors Kristen Bell (Anna), Idina Menzel (Elsa), Josh Gad (Olaf), and Jonathan Groff (Kristoff). The Lopezes were not at liberty to share story details of Frozen 2. They did, however, discuss the themes and ideas that keep them coming back to Arendelle. “I think all of us have patterns that get solidified in early childhood that we spend our whole lives working out,” Kristen Anderson-Lopez said, referencing Frozen’s sibling heroines. “I think that’s in the zeitgeist with This Is Us right now too… our stories are always connected to the past.” The songwriters also talked to Yahoo Entertainment about what to expect from Frozen’s Broadway debut. “We put so much love and so much new depth into this thing,” said Bobby Lopez. “I really can’t wait to share it.”

Jelani Alladin as Kristoff and Andrew Pirozzi as Sven. (Photo: Deen van Meer/Disney Theatrical Group)

Yahoo Entertainment: Do you want to talk about Frozen on Broadway or are you too in the weeds with it? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: We can talk about it. I talked about it all day yesterday! I had a press junket for four hours yesterday.

Can I guess what three questions you answered over and over again? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: [laughs] “How do you feel about taking Frozen to Broadway?” I can say, “It’s really extraordinary. It’s wonderful.” Because when we were writing Frozen, we were chasing a moving target. The story was constantly changing and we were just writing songs hoping they would stick and land on something that wasn’t going to change. And the whole thing came together at the very last moment. We were literally writing “Fixer Upper” in July. And the movie had to be done by August. This time, we have the luxury of a story that has proven itself to resonate, that we can just deepen, and make so much more emotional and sophisticated and much more adult and psychological. Bobby, do you want to add to that? Because I talked about this for four hours yesterday while he was in rehearsal. Bobby Lopez: We’ve added so many new songs to this thing. And I’ve been getting reacquainted with them after some time away from it, and we just put some of them down on tape to share with people before the show goes into previews. And I’m just falling in love with it again. There’s so much new stuff. We put so much love and so much new depth into this thing, I really can’t wait to share it.

Watch Caissie Levy as Elsa sing the new power ballad ‘Monster’ from the ‘Frozen’ Broadway musical:

youtube

When you were writing the new songs, did you learn anything about any of the characters that surprised you? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: Heck yeah. We learned so much more about Anna and what’s underneath this need for true love, this idea, and how sometimes childhood patterns can manifest in making bad decisions as adults. I think we learned a lot about Kristoff, because Kristoff only gets to sing half a song in the movie. And so we’ve learned a lot about, when are moments that Kristof can sing, and when are moments that it feels wrong? Bobby Lopez: We wrote a song in Act I for the two of them that we really could sing to each other. It’s like a traveling song where they go up the mountain and they save each other from a treacherous ice bridge, and all the while bickering back and forth. It’s a Tracy-Hepburn kind of moment. And Kristen and I, it’s gonna be in our cabaret one day. [laughs]

Jelani Alladin as Kristoff and Patti Murin as Anna (Photo: Deen van Meer/Disney Theatrical Group)

Is there a moment you can reveal that you are really excited to see in the production for the first time? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: Bobby and I probably have different answers. This fall we finally found the right ending and I’ve never seen it in front of an audience before, but it makes me cry every time, and I’m really excited to see it. I’ve only seen it teched once. How about you, Bobby? Bobby Lopez: We took a song for Kristoff — it’s a reprise of the same song I just mentioned before, but Kristof sings it as a solo when they finally learn Anna is freezing to death. In Denver [where the show premiered], it was sort of a ballad where he comes out and just sings it. And now we’ve placed it in this moment of, they’re trying to save her and time sort of stops and he sings it. I’m really excited to see how that changes the moment. I think it’s going to really work much better.

Are you guys officially attached to Frozen 2? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: We are. And we have written some songs. And we are working with Jennifer Lee, our co-writer on Frozen Broadway. And it is going well. And that’s I guess what I’m allowed to say! [laughs] Bobby Lopez: Yeah, we’re excited. It’s again a deepening, and a return to characters we love who, when we put it out the first time, it definitely got embraced by the world and they made what they were going to make of it. And now we get to return to it and clarify and deepen what we’ve been trying to say with it.

The original Broadway cast: John Riddle as Hans, Caissie Levy as Elsa, Patti Murin as Anna, Jelani Alladin as Kristoff. (Photo: Andrew Eccles/Disney Theatrical Group)

Now that you’ve been through the movie and this Broadway adaptation, and now another film — what is it that keeps you coming back to these characters and this story? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: Well, they are like a weird version of our own kids by this point. Not that they are like our kids, because our kids are very different individuals, but meaning they were birthed by us, and we’ve been raising them and nurturing them and taking them on these journeys. And I think there’s still a lot to say about — I think all of us have patterns that get solidified in early childhood that we spend our whole lives working out. We spend our whole lives having to toggle back and forth to these moments of trauma and look at the patterns and look at where they came from so that we can move forward in our own adult lives to the next chapter and the next chapter. I think that’s in the zeitgeist with This Is Us right now too, and in Coco also, that we are not our stories in the moment; our stories are always connected to the past. Bobby Lopez: The people that precede us too. They’re not just our pasts — it’s our relatives’ pasts, and the pasts of our countrymen, and all that stuff. It all precedes us and it all predates us. Kristen Anderson-Lopez: And I think that’s something we’re all talking about. And also just, from a feminist point of view, the fact that there’s a movie with two female protagonists and it’s not about their romantic connections — yes, there’s romance in it, but these are two three-dimensional women with faults who make bad choices and that’s OK. We’re following them, and they aren’t always talking about a man, and so few movies pass the Bechdel test. That’s another reason why I will always be there if Anna and Elsa need a song.

I remember seeing Moana and realizing she never even talks about falling in love, and thinking that Frozen opened the door for that. Kristen Anderson-Lopez: I think Disney sure saw that there’s a bottom line that is good when you tell stories about women, for women, that aren’t always about “the prince is going to come and kiss me.”

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

The evolution of an earworm: ‘Coco’ songwriters on how they came up with Oscar-nominated ‘Remember Me’

‘Moana’ Doesn’t Have a Prince Charming — and That’s a Big Deal

From Ariel to Kobe Bryant: Disney legend Glen Keane takes us inside Oscar-nominated ‘Dear Basketball’

#news #broadway #frozen broadway #frozen #frozen-2 #_uuid:925ef85d-9b17-3790-b7f1-f3a49f9bc7ab #_revsp:wp_yahoo_entertainment_us_421 #_category:yct:001000031 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000AE7lXEAT #_category:yct:001000593 #interviews #bobby lopez #_author:Gwynne Watkins #disney #movie:frozen-2 #kristen anderson lopez #interview

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sinsiriuslyemo · 7 years ago

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New episode of Cuba v DR!! Thank you guys so very much for all the comments/likes/reblogs! They make our day! Keep them coming!

EPISODE 15

“Papi! I want more mac-rone-ee,” Lily whined, she'd very quickly adapted to the pampered lifestyle.

“Okay, princesa. It’ll take me a few minutes to make,” he warned, waiting to hear if she wanted something that would take less time.

“No, want it now,” she whined and sat up starting to cry. She hadn't slept well and she was cranky. “I want talk to Eddie,” she sobbed.

“Bueno, let me call him and you guys can talk while I make your mac and cheese,” Nevada answered, pulling out his phone and dialing Eddie.

“Hey tio,” Eddie said with a smile. “What's up?”

“Nothing, Lily wanted me to call you so she could talk,” Nevada answered. “How’s everything? How’s school?”

“Great! I was actually going to call you later in this week. My final got rescheduled to this week so I was going to come down and surprise Tia and the kids,” he chuckled a bit. “I figure even after all these years, I probably can't surprise you, but Tia and the monsters are easy to fool.”

“Alright, that’s fine,” Nevada replied. “Oye, you gonna be able to go to your tio Rafael’s wedding?”

“Yeah of course, I wouldn't miss it. Roxie's hot,” he smirked. “How are you? I miss you guys…”

“We’re good. Lily just had to get her appendix out. Tres got taken, but he’s okay. All considered, we’re doing pretty good,” Nevada answered, shrugging. “How’s things with Greyson, good?”

“What? Why didn't anyone call me? I would have come down!” Eddie said with genuine concern in his voice. “We're broken up actually, I ran into an old friend on spring break and things just clicked so I've been with them.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. I liked Greyson,” Nevada mused. “Y chico, we know you’re at school, you need us to call you every time something happens. If we hadn’t found Tres when we did, we would’ve called.”

“What about Lily? I should have been there for her,” he said with a frown. “I can be down by tomorrow, take some time off and see you all. If she wants to talk to me, I should go see her.” Eddie had always felt very responsible for Lily. He didn't see her as a cousin, he saw her as a sister.

“Chico, it’s just an appendix, she’s fine,” Nevada replied, brows in waves.

“PAPI!!! MAC-RONE-EE!!!!” Lily shouted almost angrily.

“Ogiste eso? Jodiendo todavia, she’s fine,” Nevada said to Eddie. “Come down whenever you want, pero she’s fine.”

“I wanna be there for her, besides, I wanna visit some people while I'm down there.” He looked at the clock. “Can I talk to Lily? I don't have long before class and I wanna talk to my sister.” The word sister was filled with so much love.

“Yeah, hold on.” Nevada moved to hand Lily the phone and go downstairs to make her food.

“Hello brother,” Lily said.

“Hi Lilypad, I miss you, I heard you had to go to the doctor. How are you feeling?”

“I fine, just hungry. Papi take forever to make mac-rone-ee. When you come home?” she asked.

“I was thinking about coming home for the weekend, would you like that?” he said with a gentle smile. “I could take you to the arcade or the park, we can play games, it'll be fun.”

“Okay. You bring Greyson?” she inquired.

“Nah, he and I aren't together anymore, I have a girlfriend now, but I'll tell Greyson you said hi, we're still good friends.”

“You like girls again? You confusing me!! Pick one!” she exclaimed, rolling her eyes. Her young mind had not yet grasped the concept of not needing to choose between men and women if it just wasn’t who you were.

He laughed, “I'm sorry mi amor, but I can't make up my mind,” he closed his eyes and smiled. “I have to go, but I'm gonna be home soon, I love you Lilypad.”

“Luh you too,” she answered, hanging up and not hesitating to scream at the top of her lungs, “PAPIIIIII!!!!!!! MAC-RONE-EE CARAJO!!!!”

“OYE! NO ME GRÍTES, CARAJO! Y NO DIGAS CARAJO!!” he hollered back.

You came into the house with the twins, Fiona happy to walk but NJ clinging tight to your chest. Fiona walked right up to Nevada, tugging his pants.

“Cookie?”

“We don’t have any mi amor,” he answered. “You want a popsicle? Brownie?”

“Bow-nee?” She held out her little hand waiting with her usual serious face.

“Dama get her a brownie, while I finish this mac and cheese before Lily has a fucking heart attack,” he said to you, turning back to the pot.

“Bow-nee mama,” NJ said too, holding his hand out to you and wiggling until you set him down.

You smiled and got them both a brownie bite, handing them each one and staring at them expectantly.

“And what do we say?” You quirked a brow.

“Fank-yoo,” Fiona mumbled and NJ nodded.

“Fank-yoo mama.”

“Coño, two little angels,” Nevada mused with a smirk as he scooped the mac and cheese into a bowl. “Let me bring this to her majesty,” he mumbled, going to bring the dish up to Lily.

You followed him upstairs to check on Lily after leaving the twins in front of an episode of Sesame Street.

“Mama! Eddie coming to visit!” she shrieked excitedly as she grabbed the mac and cheese and smiled.

“What? When?”

“This weekend,” she replied, happily digging into her food. “He with a girl now because he can’t make up he mind,” she added matter of factly.

You quirked a brow, “A girl? What happened to Greyson?” You frowned. “I liked Greyson.”

“They broke up,” Nevada mumbled to you.

“Okay, you talk some place else? I watching ET,” Lily said, her way of shooing you both out of her room.

“I don't know baby, last time you watched ET you had nightmares,” you reminded.

“I fine!” Lily groaned, rolling her eyes.

“Dejala mirar ET, chica,” Nevada chimed, looking at you.

You sighed and nodded as you went back downstairs just as the door opened and Amber strode in.

“Oye, Blanca did you pick the fucking lock?” Nevada asked as he descended the staircase.

“I have a key.”

She rolled her eyes as if that was obvious and moved over to you, handing you Fallon. You were more than happy to get the baby.

“So, Omar and I are currently…” she wasn't sure how to put it but she shot Nevada a deadpanned look. “Did he already say something to you? I don't want to go through the pain of saying it if you both know already.”

“Como que say something? It’s none of my fucking business,” Nevada replied, shrugging his shoulders as he moved to sit with the twins. “Ven aca, I missed you guys,” he mumbled softly.

“Hey, what happened?” you whispered to her as you moved close, holding her hand with your free arm.

Amber's bottom lip trembled, “I can't say it,” she whispered and pressed her face against your neck.

You pulled her close immediately, “hey, it's okay, shhhhh,” you soothed as Fallon started to whine at the sight of her distressed mother.

“Oye, you’re upsetting the baby,” Nevada mused.

“Tee Banca cwy,” NJ observed.

Amber pulled back from you, wiping her eyes and pulling Fallon close to her, kissing her face until she smiled.

“It's okay,” she cooed.

“Where are you staying?” you said with a frown.

“I'm gonna rent an apartment close to your mom and Gladys, they both agreed to help me with the baby. Omar still wants to be a part of her life. Although he doesn't know I'm moving back to Manhattan yet, we haven't talked much.”

“Esperate, you’re moving out too?” Nevada asked, arching a brow at her. “He told me he moved out yesterday, so what’s gonna happen to the apartment in Jersey City?”

“I don't want to live in Jersey, it's not my home. So it's going up for sale.” Amber rocked Fallon. “If I'm raising her as a single mom, I'm going to be near my family, not out in Jersey.”

“You won't raise her alone though, you have us, and Omar wants to be a huge part of her life right?”

She nodded but looked down at her hands.

“Oye, I don’t mean to sound like a dick, pero you’re acting like he’s walking out on you. Like it’s all on him,” Nevada mused. “You were just as miserable as he was.”

“I was willing to try anything,” she said. “But I'm not blaming him, we both decided this. No one is at fault here.”

“Could’ve fooled the shit outta me,” he mumbled.

“Nevada,” you said seriously, shooting him a look before you moved with Amber to the kitchen, pouring her a glass of wine and sitting down with her.

“I can't drink,” Amber said with a soft smile.

“Oh, well, I'll drink a glass for both of us.”

She snorted softly, lightly bouncing Fallon on her lap.

“He was right about one thing,” she mumbled with a frown. “We were miserable.”

“If he doesn't see how amazing you are then he doesn't deserve you,” she whispered.

“That’s the thing, he does. He just wasn’t happy anymore...neither was I,” she answered, shrugging softly. “He doesn’t want Fallon to grow up thinking that’s what a marriage is supposed to be like.”

“Well what are you gonna do now?” you asked as you finished her glass of wine as well.

“I guess I could start writing the book I’ve already been paid for,” she replied with a soft laugh. “Take care of Fallon, co parent with Omar.”

“Fuck Troy,” you said non-chalantly.

Amber made a face and laughed, “What are you talking about?”

“Oh come on, one of us has to. And it can't be me.”

“No, I’m not gonna fuck Troy,” she replied, though she would’ve been lying if she’d said she hadn’t thought about it.

“If you say so, but it would be taking one for the team. All those looks and muscles and no one is touching him, it's a damn crime.”

Amber couldn't help but chuckled, “It is a shame…”

“See? There's a smile,” you kissed her hands and poured yourself another glass of wine, “I gotta put my kids to bed, do you wanna stay for dinner?”

“I can't, I'm going to go back to the apartment and start packing.” She stood and gave you a huge hug, balancing Fallon on her hip. “Can we have a girls day soon?”

“Yes, most definitely!” You agreed as you hugged back and walked her to the door before turning to Nevada and making eye contact with him, chugging the third glass of wine and looking him over.

“What?” he asked when he realized you were staring while the twins continued to build a tower with the legos he’d taken out.

“It's close to nap time,” you said after a long moment. “Are you going out? I was hoping for some mami y papi time…”

“No, I just gotta have my phone on,” he answered.

“Okay then, hey guys, it's time for your nap,” you picked both toddlers up and moved to carry them upstairs, tucking them both in. Your kids were surprisingly good at naps.

“Mama, bes,” NJ puckered his lips and you smiled giving him and then his sister a kiss before closing the door. You loved them so much.

When you made it back down the stairs, you tugged your dress up, getting it stuck over your head.

“Ow, ow, this is not as sexy as I'd pictured,” you tugged at the dress trying to get free.

“What are you doing?” Nevada asked in a soft chuckle, going to help you untangle your arms from the dress.

“I'm trying to seduce my sexy husband by disrobing and it's not working.”

“Oh, I thought you actually wanted to spend time with me, pero you just wanted to fuck me,” he replied playfully. “That’s all you want is some dick?” he teased again.

“No, no, no,” you whispered and put a hand over his mouth, smiling and giggling. “Shhhhh, don't be silly, every part of you is sexy, your smile, your eyes, the way you look at me.” You tugged him close and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “I love you more every day.”

“That didn’t answer my question at all, mi hermana,” he replied with a smirk. “Nice try though.”

You smiled, “No, I don't just want some dick,” you said softly.

“Oh, okay,” Nevada replied. “What do you wanna do then? Wanna watch something? Or you just wanna lay and talk?” he asked, lightly pinching your chin.

You pouted a bit, “Well I wanted a little dick…but we can lay and talk,” you nodded. The wine had you horny, but you didn't want him ever feeling like you were using him.

“Well, you’re shit outta luck, cause I don’t got a little dick. You should know that by now,” Nevada replied, smirking. “Should go find Troy if you’re looking for a little dick.”

“Como que ‘Troy’? No estoy buscando un niño. Quiero un hombre.”

“Uh huh, so what was that you were saying to Amber about taking one for the team since you can’t?” he asked, his tone was still playful, smirk on his face.

“Oye, girl talk. You telling me you don't look over the mamacitas? Words are much different than actions papi and my actions have been taking off my dress para mi rei.”

“No, I don’t look over at any mamacitas,” he replied. “Girl talk ni un carajo. I’ve never heard you try to set Chelsea up. Eso fue confession time,” he toyed, giving you a spank.

“I've tried to set Chelsea up a few times! Not that she needs a man but once in awhile you gotta have a good dicking.”

“Good luck, I think she had her pussy sewn shut. I tried to set her up once, she didn’t like it,” he replied.

You shrug and look him over again, zoning out on his crotch.

“Oye, my eyes are up here,” he teased.

“Huh?” you mumbled before slowly pulling your gaze back to him. “Sorry, wine makes me horny.”

“Yeah, I see that,” he replied, looking you over. “Want me to eat you for a while?”

You shook your head, “It would be the second time I've had action in nearly a year, I'm not gonna do it casually, I want something special, or dirty.”

“The hell do I look like a fucking trick pony?” he teased. “And we’ve fucked more than once in a year, no jodas.”

“Twice, maybe,” you said with a smirk. “All I'm saying is my hand is cramping by the end of every evening.” You both knew you were joking, you were fine, but it felt good to play around again.

He chuckled softly, pulling you into a hug and groaning softly as he kissed your neck. Rubbing over your back, he pulled away to smile down at you. He tucked some hair behind your ear before he closed the space between you again to kiss your lips once, twice, and on the third time, he hummed, deepening the kiss and moving you towards the couch.

You smiled, melting against his touch, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing back. It was slow, like the two of you were taking a moment to rediscover each other and it felt amazing. You felt yourself collapse back onto the couch, gently tugging him down and smiling broadly as the two of you looked at each other.

“Hola Guapo,” you whispered. He smirked and closed the gap between your lips again, tongue requesting entrance into your mouth.

You parted your lips without hesitation, a tiny whimper escaping your lips as you moved your fingers to play with his dark hair, legs moving to wrap around his waist.

He groaned against your mouth as his tongue tangled with yours, and one hand went to knead your breast, his hips carefully rocking against you when his body began to react. Moving his kisses down to your neck, he sucked on your pulse point and nibbled on the vein there.

You arched your back a bit, whimpering as you rocked up to meet his hips.

“I love you.”

“Love you too,” he mumbled against your neck as his fingers pinched your nipple.

You gasped, moaning a bit against his skin as you moved to kiss him again, biting his bottom lip and deepening the kiss. Groaning against you, he kissed you back and ground his hips harder against yours, biting down on your bottom lip.

Kissing his way down your frame, he bit down on your panties and pulled them off with his teeth, smirking lustfully down at your core before he dove in for a taste.

“Oh my god,” you gasped and tugged at his hair, arching up against his mouth. You were soaking wet already, he always knew how to turn you on with a single look but this was insane. Your whole body was screaming for him. “Nevada, that’s so good,” you whimpered.

He hummed against your sex, tugging you closer to him and eating you like a man starved while his hands held your hips firmly in place.

You couldn't help the noises that escaped your lips. Whimpers, moans and desperate pleas for more as you felt his tongue caress your clit.

It wasn't long before your breathing was labored, tugging tighter on his hair as you whined.

“I'm close, papi.”

He smirked around your clit, sucking it deeper into his mouth until he could see that you were just about to come before he suddenly pulled away, denying you that last push to send you over the edge. Kissing over your hip bones, he hummed against your skin, making a wet path down the inside of one of your thighs before he took your clit into his mouth again. He brought you so close you could taste your release, and pulled away suddenly again.

You half sobbed as you looked down at him, “Nevada,” your voice was a broken whisper. “Please papi, I'll do anything.”

He smirked up at you, inching closer to where you wanted him most.

“Only cause you said please,” he mumbled before he attached his mouth to the throbbing bundle of nerves again, continuing the stimulation this time.

You gasped, arching up and coming in seconds, tugging at his hair as you rode out your orgasm, breathless and desperate for more. You tugged him up immediately, kissing him and tasting yourself on his tongue.

He kissed you back, groaning against your mouth as he pressed his denim clad erection against you.

You moved until you were on top, kissing him as you unzipped his jeans and felt his cock spring free. You licked your lips and moved down his body until you were face to face with his member. You looked up at him seriously.

“You have no idea how wet I get thinking about sucking your cock,” you purred.

“Really?” he asked, arching a brow and smirking down at you.

You nodded eagerly and took him into your mouth, humming around his cock as you gripped his hips.

“Aw fuck,” he purred, smirking softly as he tilted his head back and reached down to thread his fingers in your hair.

You didn't hesitate, taking him down all the way once before focusing on teasing him, letting your tongue gently graze and trace over his shaft. You moaned around his cock.

He echoed your moans, rocking his hips up to meet the warm cavern of your mouth.

“Oye, don’t forget about the boys,” he said in a sigh.

You huffed a shy laugh around his cock before moving your hand down to cup his balls, giving them a gentle squeeze before massaging them in your hand as you deep throated him.

“Oh yeah,” he purred, bucking his hips up steadily against your mouth. “You like when I fuck your mouth, baby?”

You moaned and lightly massaged his balls as you licked and sucked passionately at his member, moaning and already feeling the slickness between your thighs once again. He growled again, letting you suck him for a few more precious moments before he reluctantly pulled you away. Moving to kiss you deeply, he brought your legs on either side of his hips, and laid you down on the couch. He reached down between your bodies and lined himself up with your entrance.

You kissed back, pulling him close as you pressed your face against his neck and whimpered.

“Nevada, I need you,” you whispered.

Pushing inside, he buried himself deep into your cavity, groaning softly and pressing his nose against your neck.

You gasped, trembling as you clutched tighter to him. “Oh god. Yes. I love you,” you whispered and held him tighter.

“Uh huh,” he groaned, moving harder against you and grunting against your skin.

You moved with him, wrapping your arms around his neck and digging your heels into his back. He moved slightly faster inside you before getting up, turning you onto your hands and knees and entering you again, resuming his hard, fast pace.

“PAPI!!! WHAT YOU DOING?!?! I WANT ICE CREAM!!!” Lily shouted from her bedroom.

“No ice cream it's nap time,” you called back.

“NO NAP!! ICE CREAM! NOW!” she screamed back, causing Nevada to pause his movements as Lily’s yelling distracted him.

“No, you know the rules Iliana, no dessert or snacks, naptime is either quiet time or sleep time.”

“I NO TALKING TO YOU, PUTA!!!”

“OYE!!! YOUR MOM SAID NAP TIME!! NAP TIME, CARAJO!” Nevada boomed, whipping his head around to yell towards the stairs. ‘“I want a big family, Nevada,’” he said softer, his voice becoming nasally and high pitched.

“I do want a big family,” you whispered and rolled your hips, kissing his neck and moving a hand back to cup his ass.

“Yeah, that’s all good until they start messing up our fuckey time,” he groaned, beginning to move again.

“PAPIIIIIII!!!!”

He sighed, hips ceasing again as he groaned in frustration.

“Why do you always get to fucking come, and I don’t?” he asked.

“Hey!” You shout to Lily. “You make another peep and I'm going to spank you until you can't sit down for a week, are we clear? Papi is busy, if you don't stay in that room, so help me god Iliana, I'm not joking around!”

“I can’t, ya se me fue el momento,” he groaned, rolling his eyes and pulling out, stuffing his erection back into his jeans with a grimace.

You huffed, covering your face with your hands. You loved your daughter, but sometimes you didn't like her.

“Stay, I'm going to deal with herr.”

“Esta bien,” he mumbled.

#Nevada ramirez #rafael barba #trouble in the heights #law and order svu #cuba v dr

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alexanderwrites · 7 years ago

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Thoughts Roundup - Twin Peaks: The Return, Part 10

“Laura Is The One”

After the wild, nuts-to-the-wall freakout that was Part 8, Parts 9 & 10 have returned us to a more conventional mode of storytelling - it should be noted that “conventional” is used here very loosely, and that by episodic TV standards, these episodes are still pretty nuts-to-the-wall. Maybe part 8 pushed its nuts THROUGH the wall whereas 9 & 10 just gently press the nuts up against the wall. Maybe I should drop this analogy altogether and get into what was a slow, ruminative but intensely powerful hour of TV. (Also - I didn’t do a write up last week because i’m stupid and forgot).

. The violence against women in this episode can’t be ignored. It’s right there, front and centre. We start with Horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE Richard Horne being his horrible self and killing (or at least brutally attacking, she seemed to still be breathing) a witness to his earlier hit and run, before we move on to Amanda Seyfried’s Becky, who is viciously attacked by her ALSO HORRIBLE boyfriend. The trifecta is completed when Richard heads to his Grandma’s for a vicious, intrusive robbery. There is commentary on violence towards women here: when Robert Knepper’s Rodney is accidentally swatted in the face by Candie, it leaves a small mark, but no harm is really done. She is beside herself the rest of the scene, wailing and crying and overridden with guilt and fear. She feels genuine sorrow - contrast this with Richard’s nonchalance towards his violence against women and we start to get a look at how disparately different victims of violence are treated.

The violence on display is as much about our perception of gender roles and their function within narratives as it is about highlighting how HORRIBLE these characters are. Having said that, it would be nice to see more female characters with a little more agency in the foreground. I do wish we had some more diversity when it came to leading women in the show (not to mention the almost non-existence of women of colour in the show) to counter-balance the violence against them. I believe the characters ARE there, but due to the unimaginably huge roster of characters, a lot of them are shuffled to the back. It’s a shame because you know what? I could watch an entire hour of Jane Adams’ Constance. She’s such a charmingly funny and unique character, and every time she turns up I hope she’ll get more than a few lines. Diane is similarly fascinating, but because of the narrative structure (and this and last week’s revelations), she’s being kept at arm’s length. A great character again, but I hope she isn’t absent in future episodes like she was tonight. Luckily we have Janey-E (Naomi Watts is just the greatest of all time and I won’t hear any arguments against it) as a prominent character, and she is a fascinatingly complex one, as she swings from being weirdly performative to achingly sincere. It’s easy to list a whole bunch of other great female characters, but I suppose what I wish is that they were more central to the plot in a positive way. Twin Peaks couldn’t be Twin Peaks without violence. It’s one of the things that the show is fundamentally about, and furthermore, how we react to, or DON’T react to that violence. But I don’t know that we need three scenes of it in one episode to highlight that. Then again, discomfort was probably the intent. We’re meant to feel like something deeply wrong is happening, and if that’s the intention then this episode succeeded.

. I talked about that more than I expected, so moving on! Nadine got the moment of the night for me when her Silent Drape Runner store was revealed. Get it, girl!! I adore Nadine, the absolute weirdo. I dearly, dearly hope we get more of her over the next 8 episodes. It’s almost impossible to see how she could tie in to the central story which is a shame because she’s one of the most fun people to watch on the show.

. The scenes with Cooper were a mix of hilarious and tragic, as they tend to be. It is both understandable and unfathomable how Janey-E could find him attractive - on the one hand, the doctor’s scene reveals how scarily in shape he is. No one’s blaming her for checking him out. On the other hand....come on. You’re attracted to the guy who drinks coffee like it’s a sippy cup of ribena? It’s a funny notion, but also a little sad because it makes you realise how starved for warmth and affection she probably is, as anyone would be. Him, too. Their sex scene is initially pretty funny because of Kyle Maclachlan’s fucking expressions (literally). Man, he has proven himself to have adept comic skills this year - as well as pretty much every other acting skill known to the profession. But as they lie together afterwards, it feels poignant again. It’s another reminder of how close yet far away our Coop is, and as much as I want him to find himself, I want Janey-E to be happy and find herself, too. She’s been put through some shit, having unwittingly married a non-human doppelganger manufactured by an evil entity who has escaped from another dimension. That’s a lot for one person. Plus she’s named Janey-E. How unlucky can one person be?

. I sort of liked the stuff with Jim Belushi and Robert Knepper. They give a couple of very intense and solid performances, but the problem for me was that it’s another complex storyline being introduced so deep into the series. If it’s one that lasts a few episodes - fine. But i’d almost like to see their part wrapped up - or advanced dramatically - by next week, mainly because there are more interesting threads the one these two linger on. I want more Doppelcoop. I want the Bookhouse Boys heading to the black lodge. I want more Patrick Fischler rather than the guys he gives orders to. It’s hard to judge from episode to episode which assortment of characters you’ll get, and it’s starting to feel like this series’ logline should’ve adapted an existing catchphrase: “Twin Peaks is like a box of Gormonbozias: You never know what creamed corn nightmare you’re gonna get”. I personally am happy with whatever assortment we get, but getting Belushi and Knepper’s characters is like getting a pretty nice plain milk chocolate when I could be getting a delicious hazelnut deluxe. It’s not bad at all, just...perfectly fine.

. When it comes to Diane and her relationship with Doppelcoop, i’m utterly intrigued and utterly uninterested in guessing where it’ll go. There will be a million theories floating out there about how and why they’re in contact, but i’d rather just watch the story play out rather than guess ahead. It’s a very cool development though, and Cole’s vision of Laura at the door was completely disarming and haunting. Again, I don’t really want to guess ahead at how Laura will play into the following episodes, but we know she will. That’s enough for me. I’ve been browsing the Twin Peaks reddit lately (I know...I know) and i’ve gotta admit i’m waring very thin from it. Not EVERYTHING is a thing, guys. I’m beginning to think all the fan theories are detracting from the story, when really i’d rather just experience the ride. We can’t outsmart Frost and Lynch and they’ll tell us what they want and in the manner they want to. And anyway, more interesting than a tenuous “it’s all set in another dimension and i have proof!” theory is something that put maybe the biggest smile on my face yet: ALBERT ON A DATE!!! With CONSTANCE!! How utterly delightful. I guess he’s got over his love of Harry Truman, then.

. I really thought we were going to get Audrey this episode, as we inch closer and closer towards her through her horrible bastard son. Seeing more of Johnny this season has been a surprise, but from what happens to him tonight, not a pleasant one. It is fully heartbreaking watching him try to wriggle out of his restraints to rescue his Mum, and a pretty solid metaphor for so many of the male characters on the show: When a woman is being hurt, the men are impotent to help. For Johnny, it’s understandable that he can’t, the poor guy. But for the other men? It’s not that they can’t, it’s that they won’t. Harry Dean Stanton’s Carl plays a lovely old folk song outside his trailer, looking briefly torn up when he sees a mug go flying through a trailer window, the sound of a furious male voice growling from inside. Does he go and intervene? He doesn’t. And he’s a ‘good guy’, right? I re-watched Blue Velvet again yesterday, and was blown away by how full of shit Jeffery Beaumont’s good-guy image is. Like Carl, when he sees Dorothy’s attack, he doesn’t step in. He just watches. This seems to be a recurring theme with Lynch: those who see violence against women stand by and allow it to happen. And there ARE Carls everywhere, who’d rather say “That’s sad but not my business” than stand up and help. What happens to the Woman who witnesses evil (ie Richard’s hit and run) and tries to report it? She’s destroyed by a Man. God, it’s heartbreaking. The layers of commentary get deeper even as I write this, and I realise things about this episode I hadn’t thought of. I think part 10 is the most troubling and divisive, yet most fiercely critical yet.

. And then, we get a surprise I truly wasn’t expecting: more of The Log Lady. Maybe the most iconic, important and wise character on the entire show, leading us onwards through the dark night. God bless the log lady, and god bless Catherine Coulson. Every word she speaks is fraught with such pain and feeling, and it’d be a fucking sin for us to not cherish every word of it. I found myself listening to her words just as Hawk does - with eyes almost closed, in utter silence, revering them and their power. At the centre of this Season, underneath it all, the real heroes are Hawk and The Log Lady. It is so nice, so utterly refreshing to have such a pure moment of goodness and beauty, and for it to be between a Woman written with true agency and a Native American Man who has risen to protect his town - two beautiful souls who are stepping in to save the day that the white dudes have repeatedly fucked right up. It’s a gorgeous scene, and it segues into a road house performance that is easily my favourite of the year so far. Rebekah Del Rio’s performance of No Stars (No surprises, it was co-written by David Lynch) is haunting and it feels like a turning point for the series - from here on in, the darkness in the woods around Twin Peaks is out in full force. Perhaps this is why the episode is so aggressive. I left this terrific episode feeling unsettled and troubled - and that’s exactly how we’re supposed to feel. There’s a bad moon rising over Twin Peaks.

“But in these days the glow is dying. What will be in the darkness that remains?”

#twin peaks #twin peaks spoilers #david lynch #twin peaks: the return #dale cooper #kyle maclachlan #TV #review

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schwarzwaelder-kirschtorte · 8 years ago

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Beauty and the Ham, I mean Beast

Because I know it’s terrible but just had to know how terrible it really is, and because I must be some kind of masochist, I watched the movie online last night (yep, I’m bad), and I have a long, angry, chronological rant under the cut (I’m bad, but this adaptation is worse). It’s as analytical as I can get, but it’s a straight-up bitch-fest, because I think I have some displaced negative shit to work out, so if you don’t have the energy for it, I get it. But I need to scream into the void, because I am so upset.

This is more than just a “ruined childhood.” This movie has taken the ‘91 version, cut its throat in front of me, burned it to ashes, shit on those ashes, and then tried to feed me those ashes with a side of “progressive” rhetoric.

And oh, yeah, there be spoilers ahead. We all know how it ends, obviously, but details-wise.

My first beef is why they had to do a nearly shot-for-shot remake of the animated version. The source material is gold. It’s lazy storytelling right off the bat. But anyway.

Speaking of meat… The acting in this thing is just...bad. I know it’s supposed to be theatrical, but this ham and beans is overcooked and charred to a crisp. I began to question my own taste. Has Ewan McGegor always been a bad actor, or is this movie messing with my mind? Is Emma Watson doomed? Luke Evans, Dan Stevens. Kevin freaking Kline. Are they all really that bad? Ian McKellen is theatrically trained, but even he sounds out of place in this movie. Maybe it’s the dialogue, which is not a complete rip-off from the ‘91 version, and which feels strained and contrived. It’s not even prosaic and everyday dialogue - someone either tried really hard to make it sound everyday and so now it feels forced, or someone did not try at all, because who could screw up ordinary dialogue? Well, I’ll give you three guesses who can screw up ordinary dialogue.

Women who can read are weird. Scratch that. Anyone who reads is weird. Countryside, books are rare - I get it. But education as an unnatural and evil thing is such an overused trope. Take it out into the woods and shoot it. Tie it to a tree and leave it for the wolves.

Agathe the Spinster Hag as a scare tactic to marry young ladies off before their parents die. Ugh. I’ll take Lazy-Writing Tropes for $500, Alex.

Do you know how when you go to the bathroom with a skirt on, sometimes it accidentally gets tucked into your underwear, and gosh aren’t you embarrassed when someone finally tells you after you’ve paraded around the classroom/office like that? That’s what Belle’s dress reminded me of for the first half of the movie. Whose idea was that side bustle? Is that actually a historically accurate thing?

Gaston would not pursue Belle for marriage just because she’s beautiful. Not in reality anyway, but oh, gosh, this is a fairy-tale. Reality has no business here. He’s a lazy, misogynistic oaf, but seriously, he can do better. And seriously, he would not want to marry into a family like that. Yes, Belle is a conquest, but he’s more likely to make a proposal…of a much more indecent and clandestine nature. But marriage? No. He has a better chance of marrying a rich widow or the daughter of a wealthy man he can charm in Paris or abroad. Hell, why not become a career military man? Why not distinguish himself in the navy? Belle is trapped in that small French village, but Gaston never wonders about “more than that provincial life”? I would rather watch that movie, to be honest.

It could be the copy of the movie (but I don’t think so), but the singing is atrocious. No enunciation whatsoever. I could only follow along because I’m familiar with most of the songs. Not gonna go into the original songs, because meh.

After Maurice is frightened by Chip and rides away, he just forgets about the magic that’s all over the castle and surrounding it too, winter in the vicinity in the middle of June and all that. He’s riding away, cold and tired and a little scared, but he just goes ahead and picks a definitely-magic rose, because Belle. Like, she wouldn’t accept, “Sorry, honey, but the teacup started talking to me, and I got the fuck out of there. Oops forgot your flower” as an excuse?

Why does Ewan McGregor have that hammy French accent when his brogue would suffice in this movie? If most of the others could sound English, he could get away with Scottish. But Lumière is a French name, you say? One Scottish parent, but he was raised in France. There’s one explanation, but it doesn’t even need to be explained, because again, reality has no business in this movie.

Why doesn’t Lumière let Belle eat any of the food during “Be Our Guest”? He purposefully stops her from eating. He pulls food away from her. Is he just a horrible servant so obsessed with himself that her attention on him during his performance is more important than her actually being treated well as a guest? Am I missing something? Is it supposed to be funny?

Dude, Emma, honey, if a humongous beast snarled and yelled at me when I defied instructions and went into the west wing and touched his precious rose, I’d look more scared than that.

The aftermath of the wolf fight and the wound cleaning is so awkward and forced. I’m prone to secondhand embarrassment, but this movie... This movie.

Oh, his mom died when he was a kid and his dad was a bastard who warped him into a twisted prince. Ahem:

The whole “common interest” thing was poorly done. Fucking Shakespeare as the epitome of high-brow literature. “Of course the girl’s favorite play is Romeo and Juliet,” the guy says derisively. And she just sits there and says she likes the romance of it, when this would be a superb chance to get her dander up and go into an analysis of why it is definitely not a romantic play, it’s a tragedy, you furry idiot. It’s about preconceived notions and rushes to judgment, misplaced pride and the consequences of having no compassion - themes which would be great if mirrored in this trainwreck of a movie. But no. And then at least there’d be a spark, a challenge between them, some interest to build on. But nooooo.

The flirting and romance is, again, so awkward and forced. I’m repeating myself, but it is seriously so uncomfortable, and it’s not supposed to be. What was she even reading to him on the bridge? I don’t know, because her recitation and enunciation is terrible. Again, I get secondhand embarrassment easily, but not with well-written romance, and never this badly. It was awful. “Did you just make a joke?” I would prefer Gaston shoot me in the back than have to ever watch that again.

A magic castle, and all they have to eat is tomato soup every night? Also, another memorable scene ruined by this travesty. The lip of Belle’s bowl is too wide and flat. The rivulet of soup would’ve dribbled all over her face and lap had she actually tried to drink it straight from the bowl like that.

Also, I’m sure the CGI is supposed to be state of the art and all that, but they needed to give Beast less of a human face. It just looked wrong. He’s not supposed to be a “sexy” beast. And his facial expressions. Ugh. Dan Stevens is not a bad actor, I don’t think, but this is some bad acting.

I’m not even going to talk about the magic book. It’s a plot device, and a bad one at that. They tried to come up with something new and fresh, and it doesn’t make any sense. But hey, reality and this movie, am I right?

Speaking of horrible CGI, what’s with Beast’s fur? Why is it so short all over his body? He should have fur proportionate to an animal’s body, like, longer in some places, his shoulders and chest perhaps. The ridge of his back. Not just on his head. It’s fur. It’s not supposed to mimic skin and hair.

That dress. Defend it all you want. A woman who had no idea what she was doing basically stole another woman’s job and designed that monstrosity. You want beauty and the beast? You got it.

Manipulation à la Twilight in the form of calling himself a monster and then telling her she could never care for someone like him, but hey, maybe she does anyway, huh? Huh? *wink, wink, elbow, elbow*

I think it’s Cogsworth that mentions love is a nauseous feeling in the stomach, and all through the contrived dancing and “romantic” moment on the balcony, and when Beast shows Belle the mirror and then lets her go, I heard gurgling, like an upset stomach. I rewound a moment of the film and still heard it. It might’ve been the copy, it might’ve been me, but I don’t think so. I think they were trying for something and it failed.

MRS. POTTS STEALS THE BEAST’S “BECAUSE…I LOVE HER” LINE WHEN HE LETS BELLE LEAVE TO GO TO HER FATHER. HOW DARE SHE SPEAK FOR HIM!? ROBBY BENSON HAD A PERFECT HESITANT DELIVERY OF THAT LINE IN THE ‘91 VERSION WHEN HE REALIZED HOW HE FELT AND WE SAW HOW MUCH HE’S GROWN - IT WAS A TURNING POINT OF THE MOVIE - AND MRS. POTTS STEALS IT! THAT IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THE HISTORY OF LINES, AND INSTEAD OF REALIZING THOSE FEELINGS FOR HIMSELF, THEY ARE FORCED ON HIM BY A TALKING TEAPOT! I AM LIVID! I AM CRYING, BECAUSE OUT OF THE COMPLETE FUCK-UP THAT IS THIS MOVIE, THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT THEY COULD EVER DO!

Why does Belle never ask his name? It’s Adam, apparently. That might’ve been preferable to “Beast” or “Hey, you” when this movie is about getting close to someone and having them see you as someone they could care about. Just saying. I mean, I know a rose by any other name, and all that, which was one Shakespeare line that they didn’t use in this movie, but come on. Using someone’s name humanizes them, which is exactly what Beast needed to happen.

Agathe the Spinster Hag is the enchantress, and she also saves Maurice from when Gaston tied him to a tree for the wolves, and she’s there when Maurice accuses Gaston of trying to kill him and Gaston has him locked up in that mental institution wagon. And, like, why not intervene and turn Gaston into something grotesque instead of waiting for your first victim to learn a lesson, Aggie? People could have died. Why are you even here?

In “Kill the Beast,” Gaston has a line, “Screw your courage to the sticking place,” which was coined by Shakespeare in Macbeth. But oh, no, books bad. Reading weird. Me Gaston, have big gun. Like, I know this is from the ‘91 version, but after the whole village basically condemns reading, it’s odd and contrary.

At least one of the villagers doesn’t sexually assault Plumette like in the ‘91 version. Also, that whole “first gay Disney character” thing? It was even worse than I thought. Like, it’s subtext, and gimmicky and offensive subtext at that.

Agathe the enchantress/2008′s Elinor Dashwood/Hattie Morahan is there for the storming of the castle and just voyeuristically stands there while Belle weeps over Beast’s/Adam’s/2008′s Edward Ferrars’ corpse and finally says she loves him, and it all just felt so contrived. I keep using that word, and believe me, it means exactly what I think it means. I knew it was coming, and it’s like, “Does she? Does she love him? Or have we just reached that part of the movie?” And then Agathe/Elinor reverses everything, like, “You just got Punk’d!”

The transformation back into Adam, the confusion, the close shot on the eyes. Shot for shot. How…dare…they. And again, would’ve been a lot less awkward and forced if she knew his name and said it hesitantly or some shit like that. Or if there had been an earlier scene where she looked into his eyes and saw the humanness in them and so could recognize it later, if Dan Stevens stopped it with the bad facial expressions for a moment. But there is, like, no chemistry or development between these two, and then they’re kissing without a word between them. But it’s Belle and Beast, of course they love each other. No. That was nowhere in this movie. That is just what we know and feel from the ‘91 version and other iterations. We are tricked into thinking something is there, because we expect something to be there from the memories we brought to this movie. This movie does not deserve credit for manipulating our memories. This is another one of the worst things about this film, that it depends on our emotions from ‘91 and other versions to succeed as a two-dimensional rehash of something magical. It claims our emotions, but it has not earned them. Not even close.

Adam is in his underwear when he comes out to greet everybody as a human again. Like, undershirt and pantaloons is practically naked. It’s just not done, sir.

All the hugging at the end made me so uncomfortable again. It was so fake. There was fuck-all development between these characters, and suddenly “Oh, my goodness, Chip, let me bend down and pat you on the back like I actually care about you!” Again, they are piggybacking on our nostalgia, and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. I cannot stress enough how forced this movie is. It’s a disgrace.

The dancing at the end. Awkward. The bright baby-blue suit. Bleh. The reminder that LeFou is gay, right here, the first gay Disney character, look at him, give us all the praise and accolades, we are doing a great job. Ugh.

“How would you feel about growing a beard?” Yo, Gaston! Where are you with that musket?

Emma Thompson - another Elinor Dashwood, oddly enough - is wasted. Audra McDonald is wasted. Stanley Tucci is wasted. Everyone is wasted. This movie sucked, and I am so upset. I am in tears.

Do yourselves a favor and don’t torture yourselves like I did. If you want to watch a Beauty and the Beast, watch La Belle et La Bête, the 2014 French version with Léa Seydoux and Vincent Cassel. With subtitles, without. It’s beautiful. And nothing like the ‘91 version. I say that in the nicest way possible. The ‘91 version is my favorite Disney movie, and it did not need a shot-for-shot remake, and it does not deserve this. I am in mourning.

#beauty and the beast #i have a lot of feelings #and none of them are good #i need to hug a puppy or something because everything hurts

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