#i guess i need a separate tag for family stuff now

[bananadramaaa]

I actually got a headcanon about Al's parents: As you said, the dad had to have actually love her to risk the social ridicule he would get if they got together. But that's the thing! In the end, he couldn't deal with the consequences of his action (especially the "physical proof" which was his kid(s)) and took it out on the people he thought were responsible for his humiliation. (I.E. "I'm not gonna blame the obvious racists but my own family!" Mentality)

You saw the vision, anon! This man thought he was a rebel but failed to keep everything together from the very beginning, including his sanity.

[inkats]

Ahem. Realization that I’m reverting back to sixth grade -> thinking about the state of sixth grade. Hm. I might not be doing too well right now. Or maybe I am doing well and getting better I am just comfortable in the misery?

[cupcakeslushie]

Okay. I've been tip-toeing around this AU for a while now, but I just got caught up, and now I think I have a (decent) grasp on what's going on. So I wanna go over everything I know so far to see if I'm right or wrong on anything. Don't know if you'd be willing to correct me or not. Either way, I hope my mistakes can help you understand what to clarify to other fans like me. But, I also have some questions. You probably won't be able to answer most of them, but it's at least worth a shot.

First, where's Venus? Like, why is she not in your comics that are (sort of) separate frome the canon now story. The ones that skip to the future way after all the turtles reunite. Did she die? Did she escape? Is it because she wasn't introduced yet when you made those comics?

Two, why do you keep on making references to the future timeline? I know you're planning on possibly making your own stuff leading up to the events of the movie. It just gives me a jumpscare when I see certain...imagery in those comics. I guess you're hinting at what your version of the future apocalypse would look like, but it just hurts to see. Specifically in the comic explaining both the events and aftermath of the movie and the bad future timeline. It's starting to really confuse my brain as to where this story is headed. What's meant to be the main focus? The Hamto's reuniting? The aftermath? Or the future?

Third, did you make all those min-comics before you started the actual AU? Or did you do them during?

Fourth, are any of those mini-comics relevant to the actual story now? Or have you changed your mind on a few things? It's just that everything is so all over the place, I don't really know whether to trust if they're accurate. I know most of them are just there for funzies, but the longer ones concern me. I guess I'm just not used to the storyteller doing sequel, start, prequel, start, sequel, prequel, prequel, sequel, and then end. Or maybe it's just me, and I'm sleep deprived.

My little observation speech is gonna take a while for me to get out in your asks because when I get theoretical, my speech gets long, and my proper English goes down the drain. So I'll be back. I appreciate your work very much. Despite the pain it causes me, it's still amazing.

I’ll try my best to clear up what confusion I can!

1. As far as Venus. The answer is kind of a mix of, I was still figuring out her design and backstory while coming out with some of those early comics, and then, once I had that down, I wanted the boys to grow strong bonds as a main cast. That’s why a lot of the side characters are only making small appearances in the Sep!AU Life stories, as those are mainly for the boys reconnecting. (Usagi shows up the most because I love him and am totally biased towards him).

This maybe hasn’t been stated outright, but I wasn’t really expecting so many ppl to like Vee as much as they do, and now im trying not to spoil too much of her story. It’ll unfortunately just take us a while to get to the meat of it. Since the boys reconnecting takes up a lot of the early s1s2 story, Im trying to follow the familiar Rise blueprint of Draxum, Shredder, Krang, and then in s3 we’ll have crazy fun new stories with the extra characters.

Ive also decided to take this little nugget from one of the Q&As, and use it for Venus instead of Jennika. It was a much needed bit of inspiration to explain why Venus sorta disappears for a while and will go through some major physical changes (not yet revealed) before the family can figure out a way to reach her.

2. I’m not sure if you mean jump scared in a bad/triggering or neutral way, but if you need me to tag anything on those posts please let me know!

The glimpses of the future timeline, are being scattered throughout wherever they parallel the present story in little ways, but that’s only for now. As we get closer to the movie plot, bigger chunks of the future will be revealed, because the future versions of the boys will have a larger role to play in the present timeline. So we will need more backstory than what the canon got. And also I just enjoy drawing my future versions so sometimes I don’t think too hard on a reason. I just like throwing them at ppl with no warning or reason.

When s2 ends, I plan on collecting all the future related stuff that’s been released, and recapping it for easier reading. Right now, it’s just little sprinkles of foreshadowing to give ppl an idea that, ‘oh crap. The doomed timeline is a bummer’. In my mind, I guess i thought it’d be kinda like a fun scavenger hunt for clues, but maybe ppl don’t like that 😅

3. All of the side-stories were written as the main comic was/is being released. A lot of them resulted from asks that just spawned the need to expand on certain ideas, or a desire to give all the turtles their time to shine.

For instance, when I was doing Donnie’s section of the main comic, it was a good few months where we hardly saw anyone but him and Venus. I wanted to just mix it up, and give Raph some love with his ‘Raph Time’ short. When Leo was front and center in the main, we hardly saw the others, so Mikey and Donnie got their little ‘Secrets’ short (and it was also I fun thank you for EW making it so far in the tmnt sep competition).

4. Anything that has been reworked/revised or just plain dropped should have an ‘Edit’ note because yes—I have gone back and changed some things, but more so from the asks i got in the early days, and some movie idea drafts.

All the short comics done in the last year, especially the ones that are listed in my pinned post, are canon and fall somewhere in the timeline. They’re like supplemental reading though—extra meat to give the world and the characters more personality. They do have particular backstory plot and important info in them, but nothing that shouldn’t eventually be re-visited/repeated in the main story.

um I hope that cleared up some things! I know it’s kind of a crazy amount of lore. I’ve tried my best to organize it in the pinned post, huge timeline, and search bar tags, but I know it’s getting harder and harder for newer ppl to jump in as it just get bigger. Thanks for reading regardless!

[mynameisnotsoda]

NOW INTRODUCING.... THE CRITTERS !!!

Technically Corvid is still a part of an au, i really like everyone's designs so i guess its just like a weird little au that are also kinda ocs?? Idk. Im still tagging it as the animatronicfication au and using the other ccs names but im completely separating wilbur from Corvid.

The one that probably changed the most is simp LMAO i just went back to his old design that was inspired by Luna (@starrixle's transfem simpbur turned oc) and Spencer is such a fitting name in my mind i literally can not imagine him with a different name *bwomp*

Also I'm working on refs for the other characters associated with the respective critters! I wanna finish them all and dump them into one post and I'll link it here when I'm done.

ANYWAY INFODUMP TIME

Before we go into individual characters i want to say that this is absolutely Minecraft. Like. The world is built off of Minecraft lore yk !!!! The overworld will still be called the overworld but it's basically just earth, with more magic and humanoid species! Along with supernatural creatures and cryptids n stuff :D also with more advanced tech considering Corvid exists pFF

Spencer for the most part kinda was like he is in canon or whatever. She used to lean more towards incel ideology because she was REALLY insecure and uncomfortable with herself for the longest time. Despite that, Spencer and Adrianne (egirl) started dating when they were 17, his unhealthy obsession with her was only fueled by her unhealthy attachment to him. They needed each other and it wasn't good for either of them. Spencer had developed horrible separation anxiety which only made things worse. Over time Adrianne became suffocated by his constant neediness, overwhelming insecurity, short temper and lack of contribution to household chores. It pained her to leave, but things needed to change. It wasn't until the breakup that Spencer met Shepard, who was his first irl friend in a long time. They met when they were around 22/23, at first Spencer just used Shepard as a distraction from Adrianne, especially since he was surprised that they wanted to even be his friend in the first place. But after a while he genuinely started to enjoy their company, plus they offered him really good advice and helped him through a gender/sexuality crisis. Eventually they became partners! Maybe not romantically, as they're both aromantic, but life partners nonetheless.

OH and i did make Spencer white/Salvadoran. Her mom is the first generation from immigrant parents while her dad is British; And her dad's younger brother is Adam's dad! He's also an ex-christian, he left due to religious trauma and moved to America to escape his family hA

Spencer's also a no sabo kid LMAO (he knows some words/phrases but other than that he cant speak Spanish to save his life)

ALSO ALSO. Oh my god i could talk about Spence all day LMAO but i made him a werewolf !!!! Hes SOO jealous of Adam because she wanted the cat genes but instead got bitten and turned into a werewolf as a teenager. She's done a pretty good job at hiding it from her family so Shepard's the only one who knows.

I already dumped everything about Adam into that other post, so I don't really have much else to add. HOWEVER !! Him and Spence are cousins now :3 Adam doesn't get to meet Spencer in person until he moves to America with Charlie & co, but he does follow her socials with his secret accounts that his parents don't know about. The only reason they know they're cousins is because Spencer's dad told her so and she reached out! Much to the dismay of Adam's parents but they've secretly kept in touch online.

Keith's pretty much stayed the same apart from a slight design revamp. Although I've made him a little older since originally i made him look young. But then I decided hes a dad so i started drawing him older for the asks pFF he also has a hooked nose now! In case it's not obvious. Keith got married to Jean VERY young, they were maybe 17/18 in human years. It was an arranged marriage and their only goal was to have an heir to the throne. Well they did, they had two kids, the eldest being a boy named Lune and the youngest being a girl named Sunny, who's the would be heir. Until Jean took both the kids and left. It was completely unprompted and left everyone in the kingdom confused, especially Keith. Sure, they had a loveless marriage and maybe he was insufferable at times, but he wanted to make it work if not for the kids then for the kingdom! But its been almost a year since she left, he's lost hope in ever finding her. Keith desperately wants his kids back, not because Sunny is the rightful heir— though that is part of it—but he loves them both dearly. He misses them the most.

Wilfred has pretty much stayed the same as well! I did give him a grey tshirt and darker hair to further distance his design from wilbur though. Hes just as unhinged and immoral as he used to be !!!! Nothing has changed aside from appearance actually.

Tobi also pretty much stayed the same except for its now got an orange jumper and lighter brown hair pFF although i do now have a story for him! Tobi was found by Alejandro in a storage auction, he managed to sell a lot of pretty valuable things from there but Tobi stood out, obviously, so he kept it. Alejandro is a travel vlogger and lives in an RV with his friends: Tomas, Philip and Charles. His friends just call him Alex. Anyway, they go from town to town trying local food, visiting tourists traps and vlogging the journey! While doing that they also try to find out how to get Tobi's memories back and possibly turn him human again, if they even can. So far they haven't had much luck but maybe one day...

Corvid was created as the backup singer and lead guitarist of the first all animatronic band! Brought to you by Beloved Entertainment! The other members include lead singer Ranboo Beloved, keytarist Tommy Raccoon, and bassist James Tomcat. Located in Ranboo's Mega Pizzaplex, the only location in the world (so far). Corvid adopts a showman personality while on stage, hes charismatic and such a heartthrob, very popular with the ladies. Off stage he's very calm and soft spoken, he's rather shy but still manages to be a flirt and a tease. Lightly poking fun at his bandmates, coworkers and even guests at times. He's definitely a fan favorite for a reason!

This was so fun to write and i cant wait to share more !!!! Stay tuned !!!!!!

[writing-for-life]

Sandman Master Post and Intro

Hi, I’m so glad you’re here! This started out as a small blog but has developed a horrifying (^jk) life of its own over the past two years, so it was about time I organised the links and tags to all my Sandman stuff for you to make it easier to find your way around.

I love getting asks, about analysis, about my fics, prompts or generally just to chat, so see this as an encouragement to slide into my inbox…

[For quick reference:]

[The Ultimate Sandman Character Tag Library]

[The Women of the Sandman Tag Library]

[Sandman Comics: Original Artists Library]

[Sandman Reread (Comics)]

[Sandman Rewatch (Netflix)]

[Sandman Reference: How to Collect the Comics, Companion Books, Annotations/Reference Literature etc]

[In Light of Recent Allegations]

Ordered by topics (recommended):

Sandman Meta-Analysis (general "sandman meta"-tag, also contains contributions to other people's posts. You can find my own metas grouped into literary/conceptual/psychological, musical and art, and I definitely recommend perusing both links and the main tag)

The Sandman Book Club Community: Just follow the link if you’d like to join

Sandman Fics (m/f and f/f, both OC and canon pairings) & Poems

I’m also Dream’s Therapist. I think we all agree he needs one

Sandman Art (general tag that contains all art posts. I have also grouped them into my own art and art of others). Separate tag for official Sandman artists

Sandman March Mania was an event we specifically ran for the comics art lovers, so check it out

Sparkle Content Curation (a not-quite-serious collection of Dream/Morpheus thirst-trap fan-art and unhinged posts). Please also peruse the tags #contraceptive sparkles, #glitter herpes and #murphy and his cool hat (yes, I am sort of responsible for the #muhulhu tag on here) if this hell-site has left you in a state of being desperate for laughs

A Little Intro…

…and why this blog will keep on existing

Once there was a girl with so many words, so many images, so many songs in her head that had no place to go. So she decided some of them will just go here…

Well, that sounds a bit contrived, but it’s not entirely untrue. Apart from the “girl”-part, because I’m at the younger end of Gen X. Or the “no place to go”-part, because some of my work actually *did* go places. Just not the stuff I decided to put on here…

Which is mostly Sandman stuff right now, let’s be honest (I fell in love with it when I was 16, and it still has a tight grip on me three decades later). And the fact that my blog a wild mix between my metas, my fanfic and a bit of my doodling already shows the pull in different directions I have experienced for most of my life:

I’ve worked in science/academia, creative/performing arts and mental health. I guess I’m just a multi-hyphenate who can’t make up her mind what she wants to do with her life, so she tries to do it all and ends up burned out half of the time.

Somewhere along the way, I managed to publish a few novels under a pen name, and only a select few people know about it. And I intend to keep it that way.

I used to draw much more (mostly pencil and ink), but between working and having a family, something had to give, and if I have to choose, writing always comes first. But I doodle and experiment a lot in Procreate, and it usually helps me when I procrastinate on my writing. I drop the odd drawing in here (like my profile pic), but I don’t see myself as a fine artist, and I’m in perpetual awe of the talent I see on here.

This is just an account for unapologetically being me, with all my hyperfixations—and undoubtedly some pointless shitposts just for fun…

In light of recent happenings, I explained my personal stance and, by extension, why this blog will keep on existing.

[cablyunkataplum]

Spider tag

Hobie Brown x Fem!/Pronouns Reader

Words: 3093

Summary: When your favorite spiders are in your dimension they take the opportunity to have a good time, including Hobie.

Written Curse: Second person!--Use of (__)!--(__) and her dimension is written to appeal to art nouveau--Hey guys, guess who's my fav character, es mi cumple así que voy a andar aventando verga See ya Darlings!

The morning so impassive cradled caressed against everything it touched, within the pleasant walls of a peculiar house that is related with exquisiteness to its sisters in such a graceful way, sheltered the young woman who rested placidly, the only thing you were able to hear was the movement of water and wind that flowed and aimlessly gave life to the city.

When you noticed more activity your eyelids allowed you to see your familiar surroundings and without any hurry you separated from the bed, your feet on the cold floor woke you up completly when you went to the small closet next to it. With all the care you put the clothes aside until you reached your suit that as you brushed it with your fingers a certain impatience ran through you but you disregarded it as you put it away in one of the bags that hung on one of the legs of the bed that you used to use as a coat rack. Putting each of the clothes in its place and arranging the room as much as possible, you went out.

The clacking of shoes against the stairs announced your presence in the dining room where your mother and father were having breakfast --Good morning-- mom spoke first who was already serving food on the plate designated for you, with the same phrase you kissed her head and her hand to do the same with your father and immediately sit down to eat. During this time the conversations were short and even banal, but they were always better than what had once been the family dynamic. With touches of the napkin to your mouth to wipe away remnants of what might have been left behind, they both asked about what plans you had today; who you would be seeing, where, how many hours you would be gone, things of that nature. Your already improvised answers were enough for them as they nodded in approval, other words were exchanged until you finished your plate and excused yourself.

In the HQ cafeteria, they were already there, all the seats were taken so they stood around waiting for you to arrive, each with their respective outfits plus backpacks or bags containing a change of clothes. Meanwhile, Miles made sure they brought with them anything he considered important --Keys?-- he pointed to Pavitr who affirmed, then to Hobie who just slumped his shoulders and muttered --Yeah-- with this he pointed to Gwen who confirmed she had her keys and a copy of Hobie's. Although the boy wouldn't admit it because he wasn't aware of it, in this area he was similar to Rio and Jeff. Now calmer he proceeded with his mental list but Gwen interrupted him --Miles, it's okay we don't need that much stuff-- Pavitr continued --It's the dimension of (__) after all-- he tapped the other's shoulder. With the mask on, his lenses widened for a second in reaction to them not taking it as seriously as he did, in his own experience going to their dimensions there was always something unexpected going on. He crossed his arms and flexed one hand, --Sorry to be cautious--, --Don't apologize mom-- Hobie replied waving his hand which annoyed Miles slightly.

He sighed and removed the mask that wrapped around his head to be next to the boys, --Say what you want, you'll be thanking me later--, he smiled to himself, --Whatever you say-- Gwen rolled her eyes. Part of this unfolded with you as a spectator until you decided to intervene, --I hope I wasn't too late to be early-- you got close enough to be heard. They turned in your direction and Hobie didn't waste a moment to approach you, placing his hands on your waist, with a smile he greeted you and their lips met with the same sweetness of many other occasions, with one of your hands on his jaw, --Hello to you too (__)-- Pavitr approached shaking his hand --And don't worry, it's not like we were 30 minutes early-- the pair right behind him. At this you separated from the boy to greet the others by clapping your palms together, your eyes fell on the backpacks --What do you have there?-- as you asked this question all eyes pointed to Miles who just clarified; it was all they needed.

You pursed your lips and raised your eyebrows --Okay-- your wrist was raised close to you to see well what you were typing --Then I won't make you wait any longer-- the portal then appeared a few meters away from you, Hobie went first, Gwen second, you third until the only ones still there were Pavitr and Miles --Let's go mom-- Pavitr tried not to let his amused tone be heard too much and entered the portal to close as Miles entered too.

Earth 831

The roof of a building, for the moment, was the ground on which they stand, as they pass and reach the dimension Morales' eyes widen at the visuals of what surrounds him as does its melodic singing. With a turn, he feels his eyes open even wider as he witnesses such an ethereal panorama, as his mind can put into words.

The canals surround the city and cross through it to carry its vitality everywhere, they intertwine with the plants and buildings so much that everything seems to be in motion thanks to the delicate curves that facilitate the passage of the crystalline water that reflects everything as a mirror and adds its bluish tone to the infrastructure with its waves, thus a duality is created; the movement and the static. Homes, workplaces, schools; everything blends and stands out in its own way.

--Wow-- sighs the spider with admiring eyes, a genuine smile at his amazement forms on your lips with a feeling of appreciation but also amusement at the reaction, --Let's give Miles a moment before he passes out or worse-- you tease. Miles rolls his eyes with a slight snort and a smile similar to yours, he raises his hands in defense at the comment before responding matching your tone --Haha, I feel the pressure drop and my heartbeat is already nil-- he rubs his hands together and sparks escape from them --I hope they know CPR--.

The others smile, Gwen shakes her head reproachfully even if the smile gives her away while Pavitr nods at the speed of her counterattack. Hobie just grimaces with the smile still present --Not bad-- you nod as well and your arms flex so that it's possible to put your hands on your hips --Well… What do you want to do? I have something in mind but I'm willing to listen to opinions-- everyone gathers to form a circle, think for a moment and give their ideas to do in the rest of the day to discuss and choose by majority vote.

So, they shed their suits for civilian clothes, descended from the building and set out to make the most of the time. The sky was inked with soft fire with its palliated sun glints reflecting off the stream and resting on whatever they could reach, again on a rooftop, the group resting after having had a busy day.

Their chests expand and contract with ease, some with their eyes open to look above them and those that remain with their eyelids covering them. Pavitr moves his field of vision so he can see you as far as his position allows him to see you --what did you have in mind after all? Sure, if we didn't already do it-- at this you arch your eyebrow somewhat confused at his question until it comes to your mind what you mentioned hours ago, a grimace on your face --Do you really remember that?-- when you see him you mutter in affirmation --I have a good memory-- he rotates so that his forehead rests on the ceiling, Gwen intervenes in the conversation --You don not-- he pushes the boy slightly --Yes I do-- he replies back with mock annoyance.

--Only when you want-- Hobie also speaks, hand on his chest and the other under his head with a nonchalant countenance, Pavitr snorts, --You're against me?-- he tilts his head and leans down so his face meets the other's --It was a compliment-- he puts his hand against the boy's face and pushes it which makes Pavitr snort --Sure, pick on the younger spidey-- you all grunt and snort with complaints until you mimic Pavitr's position --Well… it's nothing we did, it's good timing anyway--- you squat down to propel your legs and stand --Get up-- at this another round of complaints passes.

Seeing that the others don't even make an attempt you roll your eyes --Really?-- you scratch your head for a second --So be it-- as fast as you can you touch Miles --Tag, you're it-- and run out to jump --Loser buys the food-- and with that you throw a web, suit already on in the time lapse of the jump. The others are surprised but waste no time in darting off in all directions, Miles just sighs and rubs his eyelids but a feeling of competitiveness comes over him, he wouldn't spend a penny today.

Like a swing you move through the city without looking back but your senses alert in case you need to, after another spider web you stick to a building and breathe for a few minutes. This doesn't last too long when some steps warn you of the presence of someone and you turn around, hand ready to throw webs --Hey, hey, I'm a friend not foe-- Hobie tries to approach you but you squint your eyes showing you don't trust him --I would have done something by now, wouldn't I?-- you slowly lower your hand and turn around to see if there is no danger nearby --Did anyone follow you?-- he denies with words and movements, he walks to your side and his hand grabs yours pulling it to kiss it with affection --I'm too stealthy, I sneak away from capitalism to do whatever I want-- your head rises as well as your eyebrows --Ah, cool-- you pretend indifference although inside you have always found it funny and even interesting how out of nowhere he can make comments like that.

This one smiles and with his hip gives you a shove with which you stagger. Without being able to do anything, a spider web lands on the wall of the building that makes you turn to see who is responsible for this, Miles lands on the same wall and without waste, he uses his muscles to touch one of you. With a somersault you evade him and so begins a three-way waltz thanks to the game.

--Come on guys--Miles laughs, unable to hide the frustration of not having touched either of you to escape the probable responsibility, he continues in this way but in an unexpected turn of events Mile touches Hobie, there is no time to think, now you and Miles must get as far away as possible knowing that he will come after you if Gwen or Pavitr are not on the radar. With the webs you fling yourself and pray they won't come after you, but you remember the rules and it's clear he'll come after you because he already is.

An irregular route is attempted to disappear from your gaze and it is decided, back and forth, left or right until you turn and it is gone, well, for now you turn a corner with a new web when another one intertwines with yours and you meet Hobie once again, as the twisted chains of a swing are encircled with twists and turns. A short moment where you can see each other's eyes through the contact lenses, where your costumes undergo color changes by the light and everything stops as photography, you only exist for and in this precise instant. Until their bodies begin to approach attracted by a centripetal force.

But this doesn't stop the Spider from tapping you on the shoulder with a 'Tag, you're it-- to break free from the web and escape into another one. With your head down you curse and recover, clearly this will not stay like this. You jump from one building to another, looking for the others with a hawk's eye and as if the universe orchestrated it; Miles, Pavitr and Gwen appeared in the field. Going in their direction you make a decision on who to go to, Gwen, but apparently the thing would not be so simple because when you are less than 30 centimeters away from her something sticks to you and prevents you from moving forward.

And this same thing pulls you in its direction, when your eyes fall with the person in charge you shout --Cheater!-- Hobie doesn't say anything and only continues with the back and forth without preventing you from any action, a snort leaves your nose and you get ready to continue. In such a way things develop like this; everyone dodging and evading the one who brings them, Hobie from time to time pulling the others either to save them or to have his henchman moment by 'helping' the other, cobwebs everywhere, accusations, provocations, there is nothing you don't try.

Finally, hours later, everyone comes to an agreement to finish without a loser.

--Your money isn't worth here anyway--You mention as they all walk away, --The one I saved myself from-- you shake your head trying not to burst out laughing at their faces of realization, it's true, their money won't work in another universe. --Cheater-- they talk at the same time and mess with your hair-- --Hey!Hey!-- you shove their hands away --It's not my fault you didn't remember, the only one I should apologize to is Miles-- You continue walking until you reach the store, you let them in before following them. Ready to order they spend the afternoon talking.

The key secures the lock and with a check you separate yourself from the door, walk to the living room and greet your parents for the second time that day, also with the purpose of notifying them of your upcoming rest. Climbing step after step you try to keep a pace that is taken as calm, the door opens and having a guest inside the room you are saved, however, such a visit does not last as long as usual, the curtains are inflated to shelter anything that could succumb to the force of the wind and lonely longing for the presence they serve.

You walk carelessly in the confines of the vast lake with your partner's company, the noise of the city becomes mere muffled whispers and the thin light is more than enough to see where you step. Hobie moves his gaze at times to see you or settles for your figure in his peripheral view, but he doesn't stop moving forward, thus going unnoticed as he pulls something out of his pocket --(__)-- catches your attention and seeing you stop does the same until you are even, his hand covers the object but not by much.

Your eyes fall to his hand which like a cocoon he opens to reveal a sweet gift; an arachnid shaped pendant made of what appears to be gemstone with aquamarine tones and whitish sparkles. Copper legs with pearly decorations that mimic the fur that some of these animals have, a few cracks visible in all this, likewise, protruding from the mouth of the spider hangs porcelain spider web.

--I tried to glue it on as best I could-- he confesses in that voice of nights of effort, --But clearly it won't go back to the original thing-- with a sensitive touch you pick up the earring to examine it closely and those breaks only add to the delicate effect. Without a second thought you dangle it from your ear and smile, shaking your head so he can see your profile, your hand curved in your ear, --So?--, --it looks spectacular-- he runs a finger down your cheek and swings the chandelier with it. You get caught up in the moment, mischievously grab each other and pull until you're holding on with just one hand.

Faced with spontaneity, you let yourselves be carried away by a dance at the same point of the lake. Repelling each other for an instant you shoot a spider web that catches on one of the trees on the other side to cling to a closer one, so a rope hangs over the body of water and you climb it with a few acrobatics until you are in the middle. Hobie doesn't lag behind and throws his own perpendicularly, climbing more aggressively and safely with an exchange of smiles they weave and with calculated jumps begin to knit, each perceived vibration causing the material to flash, linking one to the other or directing so that a pattern builds.

With a leap Hobie grabs you to continue the dance as they put the finishing touches on the fine lace and unhurriedly roll around the net. With the work completed, you center yourselves to lie down and snuggle against your figures, a few minutes pass with the comfortable silence where the calm invites you to fall into surrender. The boy's embrace as an addition. --You fooled us all-- he tries to sound incriminating but his voice comes out completely amused and you decide to play along --I have my methods-- you put on an overbearing attitude and look at your nails --Mmm, it shows-- he rests his cheek on the palm of your hand and with the other hand he pokes your rib --You better not become a dictator or similar because I will crush your head-- now he opens his hand and grabs your face shaking it, you both laugh and roll your eyes.

He leans down and crosses his legs --Why tag?-- squint your shoulders and tilt your head --Why not?-- Hobie is slow to show his reaction but just laughs sarcastically --Sure-- he leans down even more until your foreheads touch and they fall back into silence, treasuring this day without thinking about the future even for a single second even. And it feels as if the web is wrapping and caressing them to protect them from any suffering, past or yet to pass so that hope and love will prevail, a second, an instant, so ephemeral and so infinite.

[unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men]

18+ no minors please this is an NSFW blog with mature topics discussed,any ageless,blank blogs will be blocked.Sorry not sorry!

Mun is 40, she/her

Asks and DM's are always open, feel free to ask me anything 

I have 5 muses right now that I can currently RP with (Bio for them will follow) so when sending asks or dms please specify who you're interested in rp'ing with.

I do work (I hate it there) and will try and respond appropriately, so if it seems like it's taking a while for me to reply or answer and ask just feel free to let me know (sometimes notifications get buried too) Do not get mad and or angry

SFW and NSFW are fine and depending on what it is either send it in an ask, or I can be tagged in it. Try to keep the spicer stuff for asks.

No hate, rudeness, homophobia,racism, transphobia or misogyny I will block you and not feel bad about it, again sorry not sorry

If you want to plot something, have an idea for a story line? Send me a DM and we can come up with something

If you want to remain an anon please assign yourself and emoji

Dark/violent story lines can be done just discuss them in DM's first, and both parties have to agree on things.

Limits: scat, watersports,feet, age play and pet play (if you're unsure if something is a limit of mine please ask first)

Story lines will be separate unless both parties agree on it

Do not bring drama,hate,trash talking,ultimatums. No jealousy towards role play partners, not lying and no spamming. Just be smart about things, I do have a life outside of Tumblr but I will try my hardest to reply and answer asks I just ask that everyone be courteous and decent. I will not tolerate any of this and you will be blocked.

Muse list after read more

Dean Winchester

“I’m Dean Winchester, I’m an Aquarius, like long walks on the beach and frisky women. Me and my brother Sammy hunt the things that go bump in the night, yeah that’s right we’re hunters. Family business and all. There isn’t anything I won’t do to protect my brother, even if it means sacrificing myself. My car Baby is the best Sammy and I  have a lot of memories in it and it's been in some tough situations but it’s always dependable unlike most people, oh and I love pie and classic rock. Remember driver picks the music, shotgun shuts their cake hole. So if you think you have a ghost problem or maybe some ghoul stuff give me a call”

Lloyd Hansen

“Hello Sunshine! I don’t know why I need to say anything about myself. I should be pretty well known by now, but sure let me tell you about my favorite subject…me. I used to work for the CIA but then I decided why not freelance and be my own boss, which means my own rules. I’m sure everyone wants to know why I left the CIA, well it’s simple. I like doing things in lets say non ethical, non legal ways and that ruffled some feathers I guess, too bad for them I guess. Sent me to do a job to get some flash drive and had the biggest thorn in my ass….Court Gentry, dickhead messed up my hand and well that was my torture and shooting hand. Need something dealt with Sunshine you know how to find me”

Ransom Drysdale

“I don’t like you and I can guarantee you won’t like me,but you’ll probably love my money, well my family's money. I’ve been called many names, some of my favorite Trust Fund prick, asshole, jerk and many more, but what’s funny is everyone once you find out you have money everyone has their grubby hands out. I’m probably the most interesting, fascinating person you will ever meet and I will make your dull little life exciting. The only person I care about is me, myself and I, and when I found out my grandfather was cutting me out of his will, well I couldn’t let that happen could I did what I had too. And what was that you ask, you didn’t ask? Well too bad I’m telling you anyway, nothing short of murder (twice, wow I know) and I tried to frame the help. Just a normal day when you have money, so if I’m bored I might want to talk depends on my mood.

Rebecca Allen

Rebecca Allen was a woman with a bright future, that all changed the day she became Pandora Celestia. The day was ordinary until it wasn’t, the explosion should have killed her but instead it turned her into something more. As she lay close to death the terrigen mist enveloped her,keeping death away and giving her powers beyond her knowledge. Visions, terrible and horrible, are always destined to come true. She was able to peer inside of people’s minds and sway them to her will, and after enough practice could hone her powers into a physical weapon.

And thus Pandora Celestia was born, the powers she wielded terrified her and every time she feared she would lose control and either she would be destroyed or the power would over take her. Eventually she learned to hide her powers hoping that one day she could learn to control them and use them for good. Trying to help those she can, she's always vigilant to not over use her powers but to do everything she can to help anyone who needs it.

(art from Pinterest)

Cassandra Pendragon “Cassie”

Age: 200+ (long life from powerful witchcraft and being a shifter)

Cassandra Pendragon or Cassie as was called by friends, came from a long line of witches going all the way back to King Authur. She was rather proud of that aspect of her family tree, it gave her some credibility in case her skills were ever questioned. And it wasn’t often that her skills were questioned, but mistakes could be made. Speaking of mistakes, the other half of her family was what most people in the witch/magic community deemed “Undesirable” ; it was always thought that being a shifter made magic weak. Cassie on the other hand found that to not be the case, in fact she felt her magic was stronger for it. When she shifted her magic complimented her form, she became what she called a mystic wolf.

Abilities: Powerful spells and hexes, the ability to turn into a wolf or cat

Once witches and shifters alike found out about her she was shunned by both groups, witches feared the amount of power she had, and shifters didn’t normally trust witches so this made them even more wary. After taking various odd jobs, one went south and a witch and shifter were killed.Cassie received the blame and was hunted, always on the run she did what she had to in order to survive. She wasn’t against killing but it was only done if there was no other option. While on the run she realized she could turn into a simple house cat. Being a house cat was great to gather information and hide. Deciding she needs to set her name right she sets out to find the real killers so she can go back to her “normal life”

Ophelia Deathholme

Age: 40

Abilities: Can resurrect the dead, can communicate with the dead and has the abilities of the dead she encounters.

(dividers made by @saradika-graphics) (art from Pinterest)

Necromancy the practice of communicating with the dead in order to predict the future, that was at least the actual definition of the word.To Ophelia Deathholme it was more than just the plot to a book or movie it was part of her job, she used her talents to raise the dead working as a coroner for the police. The dead needed a voice, someone to get them justice, to help their families move on, to help the departed to move on. Initially she was met with skepticism. People thought she was taking advantage of the families by giving them “false” hope, that changed when she brought back a young woman who had been brutally murdered.

The family and officers were in the room and Ophelia kept trying to tell them all that her story wasn’t over, after being told numerous times to just do her job she took matters into her own hands. Normally the bigger the sacrifice the bigger the return, since all Ophelia needed was the young woman to speak she just used a small amount of her own blood. Speaking the words she knew too well the young woman sat up staring at Ophelia, the family was shocked and one of the cops passed out. Ophelia looked at the woman, her voice soft “Who killed you?” The young woman swallowed hard and paused as if trying to figure out the answer. 

Everyone watched as the woman began to point, suddenly the lights went out and movement could be heard. Suddenly screaming broke out, then nothing, Ophelia backed up until she was touching the dead woman. She felt a whisper in her ear “He will find you little necromancy he wants your power by any means necessary.” Swallowing hard Ophelia the lights turned on and she was shocked at what she saw, everyone in the room was dead and arranged to spell her first name.

The young woman looks at her family sadly before turning back to Ophelia “He has been watching you, watching your power grow until the time is right. He will come for you and try and tempt you, do not allow him to. He will destroy the world and you will be his tool” The young woman coughs hard and smiles “Thank you for giving me justice, my father killed me in a fit of anger and now I can rest” The young woman motions Ophelia to move closer “We the dead wish to help you, we shall lend you our gifts for you will need them.” The air changes and Ophelia gasps as she feels power flowing into her, falling to the floor she passes out.

Waking hours later she feels strangely refreshed,standing she cries out in pain. Finally standing she makes her way to a sink and looks in the mirror at a large jagged wound across her face.

“Great just great” “I recommend cleansing the wound and then applying butterfly bandages to the wound” Looking Ophelia sees a young nurse, quickly realizing that she was a ghost. The ghost smiles and bows and walks over to Ophelia and walks into her, her eyes roll back into her head as she begins taking care of her wounds. Once finished the ghost leaves Ophelia’s body and bows again before leaving, gasping as she sits on the floor, realizing that now not only can she raise the dead  but they can use their skills to help her. Realizing she has this power she uses it to still help the dead but now must figure out who has been watching her and why.

[dangerously-human]

I was tagged by @alyss-mainwarning for a song shuffle game (I always enjoy these!). Putting in a separate post instead of reblogging because I'm old-fashioned, and I think it's just easier to navigate.

rules: shuffle your “on repeat” playlist and post the first 10 tracks, then tag 10 people

I think we're probably not surprised at this point that it's pretty much all stuff off Ghostbustin' With the Buds, right?

Fairlies - Grian Chatten: Contribution from @womaninwinter's sickos playlist and it's a great THB sound from LW's self-denial POV, especially "Do you miss the days before hope knocked on your door? But you went and fell in love, and into love you fell, and it made you feel unwell, oh well" (Ah. Ow.)

House a Habit - We Are the Guests: I can't remember whose playlist I got this off of, but wow, VERY Lucy leaving vibes, especially the way the narration goes back and forth between the man and woman singing in the second verse. But seriously, this is just painfully on the nose, with lines like "I don't know if I should stay or should I go, he told me this house would always be our home… Everyone tells me to just stay the same, but it's not like that, no it's not like that, oh, tell me someone's out there listening to me 'cause I wanna know that like I wanna know you, oh, stay with me… Everyone tells me you're fine, don't be in love, let's make this house a habit… Oh please don't imagine a life without me, at least not yet, this house is a habit and it's lovely to live in it… This head is a hospital, someone please tend to it" (!!!)

Waking Up - We the Kingdom: I've talked about this one before multiple times, the victorious declaration of returning from the Other Side ("I am alive in the land of the living") as well as something that captures my own healing after the depression years.

Summerland - half•alive: Captures the temporary elation of the warmer months in a way I think vibes well with how Lucy describes that season for the Portland Row trio, the way it's the cycle of it all that even makes it meaningful, and the hope of it all in the ups and downs! "Whatever ain't golden now will only come back around." I'm particularly attached to this for the unseen summer between TCS and TEG. (Also this has been stuck in my head for at least the last week.)

Hot Tea - half•alive: Freaking cute Locklyle vibes! Especially fitting considering all the waxing eloquent about the comforts of good hot tea in these books. "Hold you in my hands like hot tea, knowing I'm safe 'cause you want me," the adopted feral cat energy, it's perfect.

Tip Toes - half•alive: Okay well, I guess this answers the question of what artist is most represented in my L&Co playlist. 😆 (They're actually in second place for that distinction, it's just that I'm also new to their music and so least likely to skip.) This song is SO Lockwood coded, especially the way his desire to make his family name immortal can blur the lines into pride, even the misplaced sacrificial nature and the way he needs to frequently reassess his priorities as a leader. "I'm on my tiptoes, trying to see past my ego, reaching for something more than this feeling of being important, leaving my hear behind is bleeding, but still my pride is screaming, my future will listen to me, will I always know this divide, living most of this war inside, take the ghost of me with the tide to die and release my heart to come alive" - like!!!

Dancing in the Minefields - Andrew Peterson: Used very recently for fanfic title purposes (That's What the Promise Is For), this one just screams Locklyle, married young and facing life's challenges together and helping each other remember the light in the world when the dark closes in. Literally could quote the entire thing for them and struggled not to when I posted the fic, so to choose something I didn't put there, can we just all shriek about that third verse/bridge, especially "So there's nothing left to fear, so I'll walk with you in the shadowlands till the shadows disappear, 'cause he promised not to leave us and his promises are true, so in the face of all this chaos, baby I can dance with you," together?

still feel - half•alive: At any given time having exclamation point variety thoughts about these lyrics, especially as applied to Lockwood, or Kipps, or tbh just broadly across this series. "To realize the hand of life is reaching out, to rid me of my pride I call allegiance to myself… Oh I am not a slave, can't be contained, so pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave, 'cause I still feel alive, when it's hopeless, I start to notice, oh, and I still feel alive" I AM FEELING THINGS!!

Out of the Dark - Tritonal, EMME: I've had this one on repeat while driving a lot lately, it's a great sound, and also a very fun Locklyle song post-THB. Obviously "I know you're scared of diving deep, afraid of what's just out of reach… Sometimes the weight's too much to carry, when it gets heavy, feels like everything's falling apart, so unsteady, you'll be the light to get out of the dark" is delightful imagery for our beloved burdened ghostbusting duo, but also the dual meaning of "There's an end in sight, just hold on tight, you'll make it to the other side" is chef's kiss, they're going to make it to their hash-it-out conversation on the Other Side in TCS and also make it to the other side of the dark in terms of emotional context and setting. Obsessed.

Twenty Something - Nightly: I've already said a few times this is my best inspiration for writing introspective angst lately, used for a Fringe WIP in addition to being on repeat for the writing of Living With the Ghost of You, especially the Lockwood POV chapter. The lyrics are only right at a slant but the vibe is perfect.

I just did one of these so I'm not going to tag anyone this round, but if you happen across this and want to join in, please do say I tagged you!

[yesterdayiwrote]

F1 Ask Game

tagged by @autumn816

Who is your favourite driver? George and Alex. Probably in that order but some days it's closer than others!

Do you have other favorite drivers?: I have a complicated fan relationship with Lewis. He was my absolute ride or die during my late teens/early twenties but I still support him. Oscar's growing on me as well for sure.

Who is your least favorite driver?: I have a lot of drivers I can't stand, and a lot I just... barely register are there week in and week out. I wouldn't say I have one stand out least favourite though.

Do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well?: I tend to gravitate towards drivers, but most of my drivers come from the same teams.

If you like teams, what team do you pull for?: Mercedes and Williams are my two teams I root for more.

How long have you been into F1?: It was definitely sometime in 1994. I have absolutely zero recollection of the events in Imola that year, but I vividly remember the contentious crash between Schumacher and Hill that decided the championship in Adelaide, so evidently some point between there.

What got you into F1?: My dad. I used to be a proper daddies girl so watched it because he was and now we follow in separate rooms and don't talk about it! Yay for adulthood!

Do you enjoy Fanfic/RPF?: Yep, reading more than writing these days, but Im mainly into Galex and a little bit of Gewis. I'm kind of picky sometimes with what I read.

How do you view new fans?: I think it's great F1 is getting new fans, but I also think there are some newer fans who view F1 as scripted entertainment like WWE because they've come in via DTS. I think you have to take F1 with a liberal dose of 'shit happens and it sucks' and sometimes that gets lost amongst people looking for someone to blame and be angry at for stuff. Noone tends to crash into other drivers on purpose, the team probably doesn't have a vendetta against your driver, and absolutely none of them are putting as much thought into what they say on the radio as some people put into analysing it. Sometimes the discourse gets a bit wild. Never attribute that to malice which can be attributed to stupidity is a phrase F1 fans need to remember at all times!

If you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why?: I mean the temptation is to say Merc, but it seems like such a big task recently and if I fucked things up for my faves I'd be gutted. Probably better to take on Haas and then I won't feel too guilty when I cause their implosion.

Are your friends and family into F1 as well?: My dad is, my brother in law is a bit hot and cold on it, but they tend to discuss it with each other (and I'm not included!)

Are you open to talking to other fans/making friends?: Definitely! My ask box and my DMs are always open and I love having chats about anything really!

tagging: @ohblimeygeorge, @foul-milk, @userkritaaay anyone who wants to do it I guess! (Sorry if yoube already done it/been tagged!)

[queenburd]

when they do get the narrator out,,

don't. don't even really have a *question* per se. just. thinking about him seeing all these people he helped having banded together to help him in return. just. kind of mentally rotating that.

....okay do have a question actually. does the narrator,, have any apprehension about seeing stan again?? you mentioned the whole,, trying to make peace with that he wouldn't ever, because then he wouldn't have to feel hurt if stanley's feelings changed/if he moved on. thing.

........although. guess that does presuppose there is time in between "him being evacuated" & "seeing stan again" for him to get nervous In.

so... and/or maybe then of just. how does he react how does that,, how many stanleys are Present for him getting out is it overwhelming,, is he [????]

not terribly coherent as a question sorry can't. figure out what words are supposed to be going there ><;;

you're okay my darling. yeah. he also needs some time to deal with the info so many people care about him, specifically. it's.... it's a lot. it's like a whole family for him.

so, again, I dont know if this part of the concept is as fixed in stone as the first chunk. what I do know if Stanley plans on getting back into the Parable to get the Narrator out, and Stan pretty much demands to go with him, but then (and this is all the stuff prone to change) when they get to where he is, he's already in the middle of helping THAT Parable's version of Stanley, and look, they're NOT gonna be able to fit 4 people in that escape pod. But the Pod NEEDS a narrator, and Stan REFUSES to be parted from his friend.

The conclusion I have right now is that they eventually coerce/force the narrator of that iteration of the Parable to comply/cooperate, Stanley gets the Parable's iterations of Stanley and the narrator out, and Stan and his Narrator wait for him to come back. Which is... yeah, it's some needed privacy.

both of them had the same fear. Stan, after learning just how many people the Narrator has helped, couldnt help his own fear that maybe the fellow just... moved on. maybe ended up caring about a different Stanley more. and then, of course, the Narrator worried Stan moved on because he had a life, in the real world, with real people. They both had these few awkward moments where, when they first saw the other, they didnt know if they could express just how much they MISSED the other.

but it was obvious to Stanley, and it was made more obvious as they made a plan to get everyone out (and it was Stan's idea, I think, to get this Parable's narrator to cooperate. To make him listen, using the Narrator's control of the Parable to really outline that the guy should really, really, listen. when he put the idea out there, his Narrator just looked at him, starry eyed, and said "my god, how have I been managing this long without you?") and then even more obvious when Stan refused to go without his Narrator.

there was a worry that Stanley wouldn't be able to get a fix on them again, since the both of them were in the Parable so he couldnt use one to track the other (they figured out a work around) but Stan was completely willing to just stay in the Parable if it was that or being separated from his best friend.

in the short time it DOES take for Stanley to get back to them, they've talked it out, mostly. Stan's always demanded that from his Narrator. So they're okay. (it still kind of takes a while for Stan to propose when they finally do get out, though. he still... had to be sure. but the Narrator's only ever had eyes for him.)

when they get out, the Narrator can recognize every single Stanley. every one. he may not know their nicknames, but he knows THEM. after the shock of so many of them remembering him and caring about him eases up a bit, he treats every single one with fondness. it CAN be overwhelming, but--okay, well, I mentioned at one point that the Narrator isn't a people person, and a friend reblogged it with the tag "i love the idea of the narrator with social anxiety. he literally only knows how to talk to stanley. not-stanleys are weird"

and it's just lived in my brain. if these werent STANLEYs, he would be stressed out. but theyre all Stanley. he loves all of them. he knows all of them. so once the first wave of overwhelm passes, he's really, really comfortable. he opens up so much when they're all together. They have get-togethers at one's house every so often and he just sits on the couch letting them coerce him into telling them stories about how he and Stan finally got together.

(Stan at one point invited him into the discord without Stanley's permission and Stanley was SO MAD ABOUT IT. The Narrator just went "Oh my goodness Stan wasn't kidding. You're all incredible." and like every single Stanley put a reaction emoji on his message.

He was like "I know I know I'm about to be banned, I'm going, but I just thought it was sweet." and then left before Stanley could ban him. Stan was UNREPENTANT.)

(Stan is constantly posting pics of the narrator into the discord. everyone's always like "IT'S THE GUY" "NARRATOR SPOTTED" "YO WE FOUND HIM" like idiots.)

[cookinguptales]

That last post I just reblogged was fascinating to me because it was obviously a joke but it actually lined up so well with a common PMDD symptom of mine that I was writing about it in the tags. Then I kind of thought about it again and realized OP doesn’t deserve all that in the tags of their joke post so like. I guess I’ll put those thoughts here instead.

(under a cut, cw: frank discussion of mental illness)

Like I’ll warn here that I’m about to talk about mental illness in some pretty explicit terms. I have Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (in addition to Major Depressive Disorder) and for the most part I have a pretty good handle on it. My depression is treatment resistant, but I did some hormonal treatments for years to help with that, my endometriosis, and my menstruation-induced EDS complications.

(Have you ever had menstrual cramps so bad that it dislocated your hips and ribs? I have! Every goddamn month lmao.)

About a year and a half ago, I had to stop taking the hormones because they were honestly making certain things worse, so I had to kind of just. Figure out other ways to deal with it. Working with a doctor, a regimen of cannabis tea and ketamine has helped a lot with the physical symptoms, and has helped some with the emotional symptoms. It’s still not perfect (still get bad days sometimes) but my suicidality is way better than it was.

(People with PMDD are apparently estimated to attempt suicide seven times more than the general AFAB population so like. I guess that’s something to keep in mind.)

That said, my ketamine regimen was fucked up recently because of some issues at the doctor’s office and uh. Well, I’m still kind of building the levels back up. The past few periods have been very rough for me. Mostly physically, but I’ve had some emotional issues, too.

This month, my PMDD has been… I guess not as severe as it was in the past, but boy is it lingering. I’ve been very jittery, very anxious, prone to bad mental loops, etc. It’s been about a week at this point, which is on the long side, but you just gotta tough it out, right?

(Don’t worry, guys, I do know when to reach out for help when symptoms get bad, and have done it before in the past.)

Anyway… one of my least favorite symptoms has come out to play and I’m Dealing with it but I hate itttt. It’s the one that the post reminded me of! And that’s the one where you feel guilty for wanting people to love you.

I think… when you’re dealing with something difficult alone, it’s very normal to fantasize about someone helping you through it. Telling you you’re not a bad person, that they love you, hugging you, etc. Normal stuff like that. I think people sometimes use fictional characters, sometimes real people who love them (like family/friends), sometimes people they make up in their head, etc. I think fantasizing about comfort is fairly normal.

But when you’re in the trenches, your mind is like No It Is Not Normal It Is Bad. I have to remind myself that like… in some ways, it’s kind of like an abusive relationship. During bad PMDD spells, my mind wants to hurt me, it wants to kill me, and it wants to separate me from my support systems. Your brain tells you that burdening others with your feelings is Bad and you are Bad for doing it.

This makes it hard to reach out for help when you need it (again, I do know how to do that, I am safe, I know that I have people who would come to my house right now if I needed them to — and failing that, I do know how emergency mental health intake works, too) but also like… it often gets to the point where you feel like a terrible person for even wanting to be loved.

Like — this is hard to explain, so here’s a sample spiral.

(cw: mental illness, suicide mention. I’m going to try and be as realistic as possible here and that might be troubling for some readers.)

I am feeling bad. I am sad and anxious and scared and feel like I am worthless. I want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I imagine a person I like doing this. I then think — no, you are a bad person. They would not want to do this. You are putting the burden of your feelings on some unsuspecting person again. It is unfair to use a real person as a mental support. You are forcing them into a situation they did not consent to, and you are using them as a crutch. You are a bad, selfish person and they would hate you if they knew you were doing this. You are asking for too much from the people around you; how dare you ask for love and support? You are worthless and no one will love you and imagining them loving you is unfair to them and frankly very invasive. You are being parasitical right now. Stop imagining people doing things they’d never want to do, you’re such a bad person. Don’t you care about their boundaries? Of course you don’t, you always hurt people because you’re selfish and bad and no one will ever like you. So stop imagining them liking you! Just kill yourself and get it over with, etc. You are a bad thing and bad things should go away and you should stop existing. Stop writing RPF about the people you like, that’s even worse than the crime of just being you. Just kill yourself.

And honestly, this will probably go on for a couple hours and there will probably be a lot of crying. >.> It’s good to keep electrolyte solution around because dehydration just makes it worse.

I’ve dealt with MDD for almost my entire life, but PMDD is… different. There’s a sort of exhausted doneness with MDD, like you don’t want to kill yourself, necessarily, you just want to stop existing. PMDD is different. There’s a very loud, very manic aggression to it. Your brain is very actively trying to kill you. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like being in a crowd of people all screaming at you at once until you cry, and then screaming at you for crying. There is a mob in your head and it hates you.

It is… very, very loud and very difficult to drown out. I can usually catch the warning signs and head things off before I get into a spiral. Going for a walk is good. Helps break the cycle. Creating is good, too. Makes me feel productive and useful to others, which is a whole other can of worms, but it is effective. And if all else fails, I usually weaponize my hyperfixations lmao. Start up an old video game that I know will take all my focus, or start a new tv show that I know I’ll get fannish about, whatever.

This month has been hard because, frankly, it took me by surprise. It’s a little earlier than it should be and I haven’t had to deal with it as much in the past six months, so I guess I got out of the habit. I didn’t notice that I was starting to get kind of stressed and anxious over small stuff and was beating myself up for feeling normal human emotions. This is usually the big warning sign to me. I will latch onto a negative feeling I’m having and feel very guilty about it. I scratch at it like a healing scab. Then the spirals starts. So I have to keep a watch out for that.

But… like I said, I do tend to withdraw and feel guilty about talking about these things. I feel guilty for wanting to depend on others because I feel like that’s asking too much, a miserable person like me demanding attention from people who are too good for me. And once I start withdrawing into myself and not talking to those around me, things get worse.

Like I said!!! Your brain is abusive and it wants to separate you from your support system — so it makes you feel like a bad person for even wanting a support system.

(I find that it helps, actually, to frame it like that. I can tell that my thoughts are starting to get irrational and it’s like “oh, THIS asshole is back to say mean things to me again.”)

So… idk, I’m trying to talk about it. I figure that I tagged this post appropriately and put multiple warnings on it, so anyone who is reading this wants to be here. Maybe out of curiosity, maybe out of support, maybe because they deal with these things, too. idk.

I’m basically telling my mean brain that fuck you, it’s good to talk about my feelings and no one hates me for it.

Because… this is the big thing… I was thinking about that one Tumblr post… the one that was like “the me in your head is nice to you, right?”

I want the me in your head to be so nice to you. I want the me in your head to hold you and tell you you’re a good person and that I love you. Even if I don’t know you. I want the me in your head to be so damn comforting.

I love the idea of being a comfort to people. That’s… why I write so much of why I write, I think. There’s nothing that chokes me up like finding out I’ve managed to comfort someone that I don’t even know. Is there anything more beautiful than comforting and supporting others in this bitch of a world?

NO we gotta be kind.

So… if I want the me in your head to be so, so kind, why do I feel so guilty for wanting the you in my head to be nice to me, too? Why do I feel like I am so innately unlovable that even fantasizing about someone loving me could stain them somehow? Like I will stain their clothes with my own awfulness.

I DON’T. I don’t feel that way. I have been doing so much better lately. I have been reaching out to people and doing fun things and spending time with people and thinking about loving people and them loving me back. I’ve thought about people loving me!!! And I’ve started to have the creeping hope that it could happen! That I am worthy of love.

Guys, I’ve been better. I know that all sounds like not much, but it’s been so easy for me to convince myself that no one will ever love me because I’m sick, I’m disabled, I’m unattractive, I’m unkind, I’m cringe, I’m annoying, I’m selfish, etc. It’s been so easy for me to find a million excuses for why I, out of all the people on this earth, will never be loved.

So… feeling hope that that’s not true is actually a very big thing for me, and something that I’ve been delighting in recently.

All the things in my head are fake and mean and… you know, hormones. That’s all.

Idk, this was meant to be a discussion of one small part of PMDD but I guess it ended up being a ramble about a lot of things. I’ll admit that it’s much more difficult for me to be focused and eloquent when I’m dealing with these symptoms. I had a moment where I wanted to apologize to anyone still reading this, but — instead I’ll thank you for spending your time with my words. For whatever reason you decided to do it, for whatever reason you’re still here, I appreciate that you did it.

I want the version of you in my head to be nice. And I want to thank you for being nice. And I want to be nice to you, too.

In conclusion

Now I’m gonna go take my medication and be quiet for a while.

[daydreamgoddess14]

My bad habits lead to you pt. 5

MASTERLIST

Sequel to We lie awake in love and fear

From a prompt by @lilacmermaid25:

5 times Ted returns from Kansas for a wedding, one time he returns 'just because'.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Here we go... nearly at the end now. Sorry in advance for the cliffhanger! 😘

Chapter 5

Colin and Michael - New Year's Day 2025

From: rebecca.welton@richmondafc.com

To: henlasso@gmail.com

Date: 31st November 2024

Subject: Stuff

Hello Henry,

Thanks for your email, I hope you've recovered from Thanksgiving? How's the TIE Fighter coming along? You'll have to send me a photo next time. I was thinking of getting a Millenium Falcon for Christmas but I'm not sure your mum would want it taking up her house! Maybe I can get one and you can keep it here. I'm sorry to hear about your dad and Marie, you were right - he didn't tell me. I hope he's OK, he told me what you said when you came over last time. He wants to be close to you, and I can't blame him - you're so much fun to hang out with! Next time you visit we'll have to plan some days out - as long as you don't mind me tagging along?

Speak to you soon!

With warm regards, Rebecca

(Hi Michelle, of course I don't mind, it's lovely to hear from both of you. I sometimes wonder what might have happened if Ted hadn't been so stubborn in keeping his UK and Kansas lives so separate. Take care, R)

From: henlasso@gmail.com

To: rebecca.welton@richmondafc.com

Date: 7th December 2024

Subject: Christmas 

Hey Becca (can I call you that? Dad does so…?),

I hope you're ready for Christmas? I can't wait to visit again, I hope I can get dad to agree to take me in the spring. It would be so cool to have a Millenium Falcon! But it is huge, mom said it could live at yours and we can build it together when I visit. I asked mom whether I could visit more but she said it's up to my dad. 

Thanks for the Roblox credits! There's a way cool new game on there I want to try!

Love H xoxo

Hey Rebecca, at this point I think Henry’s ready to hop on a plane alone to visit. He misses Richmond so much! I think I'll join him! It's a shame Ted can't understand that it's not just about where he is. I'm guessing you haven't spoken to him recently but he's probably less present a few blocks away than he was 4000 miles away. How can I persuade him that home isn't a place? After what I've heard about/from Marie, I get it now. It's you. Will keep trying, but you know how stubborn he is! Speak soon, Chelle xo

From: rebecca.welton@richmondafc.com

To: henlasso@gmail.com

Date: 18th December 2024

Subject: Christmas 

Hi both! 

Did you get the Christmas box OK? Just some things for both of you. The Falcon is safe in my office ready for when you visit! 

You're both welcome to visit whenever you want - without Ted if you wish! 

(Here’s the boring bit for mum! If only you knew the things I suggested to him. Schools for both of you - anything you wanted or needed. I know it was too much to ask of you though. Just as I'd never ask Ted to leave Henry, he'd never ask you to uproot your lives in Kansas. It's not about me, I know this is the sacrifice he believes he needs to make as a parent.)

We had a crazy Christmas party this week - Isaac dressed as Santa again and we somehow managed to get Jamie to dress up as an Elf! I've sent some of the tamer pictures for you, but it did get wild! Nate has got a new Karaoke machine and it gets a bit of a workout every Friday after training. I’m pretty sure it’s just so Roy can go and do some work in peace though and he knows they won’t bother him. I’m going to Leslie’s for Christmas dinner this year, but first I have to go and take some gifts to some families in the community. I’ll pop in and say hello to Mae for you, H - she asks after you all the time! She suggested one of the gifts in your box - I wonder if you can guess which one?!

Love, Becca (of course you can call me Becca, darling. I love it!) xxx

From: henlasso@gmail.com

To: rebecca.welton@richmondafc.com

Date: 24th December 2024

Subject: Christmas 

Hi Becca,

Merry Christmas!

Your gift box was way too generous - thank you! Henry loved all of it - especially the dart board! And I'm so grateful for the things you included for me, you really shouldn't have! 

Hen told his dad that we'd been mailing you, I think he was a little surprised! 

I don't think you overstepped by looking into schools etc. It just shows how much you care for Ted - for all of us, really. Things were obviously a bit strained at the time with Jake around. Turns out he wasn’t as great as I thought - always the way!  

Have a great Christmas & hopefully we'll get to see you soon. 

Love, Chelle & H xoxo

~~~~~~~~~

Rebecca beamed at her inbox, the month she’d spent exchanging emails with Henry and Michelle had been lovely - her responses had gotten less and less formal and she’d really been able to see Michelle in a new light. Though she hadn’t heard from Ted personally and therefore wasn’t supposed to know about his split with Marie, she was grateful that Henry had told her. It had brought her so much joy to send a huge gift basket over to them for Christmas. She’d laughed hysterically at the thought of Henry and Michelle trawling through the big box with gifts for both of them while Ted looked on utterly bemused. She’d sent a box to him too, a separate one with new LASSO Richmond shirts - she hadn’t taken him off the staff workwear order list so every few months a handful of new training polos arrived for him, she’d taken to sleeping in them. She’d also put a really great picture of the two of them from Keeley and Roy’s wedding where they’d been laughing together in the box along with the snacks she knew he’d come to love which he couldn’t get in the US. She’d had the guru in the IT department burn a CD for her - to their horror - of songs she’d noted that reminded her of Ted. She could picture him driving Henry to school and the Macarena coming on. She’d had a wonderful Christmas dinner with the Higgins’ and members of the team who didn’t have family locally. Since the year when everyone had descended on his house, the event had remained popular and once she’d done her gift deliveries she’d joined them. She’d taken photos of the huge table - the surfboard needed to be used again, selfies with half the team and Julie, and sent them to Ted. She’d video called Keeley, Roy and Jamie who’d had a quiet morning but were expecting Phoebe for a sleepover, she’d caught up with her mother, Sassy and Nora and exchanged messages with Trent. By 10pm she was back home and exhausted. She poured a large glass of wine and took it to her sitting room where she could put her feet up and Netflix on. Her phone buzzed on the arm of the sofa with a call from Ted.

“Hello stranger. Merry Christmas.”

“Hey Becca, Merry Christmas. Sorry it’s been a while.”

“I’ll forgive you. How’s your day going?” She checked her watch, late afternoon for Ted.

“So far so good. Been at Michelle’s with Hen and both of our moms.”

“Hmm… ouch?”

“Something like that. I keep running into Michelle in the kitchen trying to hide from them. Henry keeps dragging us back in so he doesn’t have to handle them alone.”

“Poor boy, you can’t do that to him!”

“Good job someone sent him a heap of lego to keep him busy?”

“If you think that’s a lot of lego, you should see my home office.”

“You didn’t have to, you know?”

“I wanted to. Henry means a lot to me, he deserves to be spoiled.” 

“And Michelle?  I didn’t realise my ex wife and my… you had gotten so close.”

“My you? We’ve made a connection, that’s all. And I remember you said she’d heard about my skincare routine so I thought I’d send some products. One of those luxuries she’d never purchase for herself.”

“At 200 dollars a bottle?”

“Ted, we’re in our forties, I have no intention of looking like my father when I get to 70 and ‘m sure neither does Michelle. We have to take care of ourselves.” He didn’t respond. “Ted, are you mad that your ex wife and son and I are emailing each other?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. Why does it feel like you’re all conspiring against me?”

“We would never do that. I don’t know what kind of woman you think I am, Ted, but I distinctly recall telling you that I would never influence your choices when it came to Henry. And Henry and Michelle are looking out for you.”

“Some would call it meddling.”

“Some would call it loving you. If you’re going to be a prick, I’m hanging up. It’s Christmas day and You’ve Got Mail is on.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. Of course Henry isn’t meddling, he’s a kid.”

“He knows more than you give him credit for. He knows his own mind, and he knows when the people he loves aren’t happy.” Silence again. “Are you coming over next week? For the wedding?”

“Of course, I’ve got a streak to maintain.” Rebecca choked on her wine. “In that, I haven’t missed a Richmond wedding yet?”

“Right, that streak. Well Colin is very excitable. Everyone is looking forward to seeing you.”

“I’m surprised they’re not sick of me. Is it me or has there been a lot of weddings since I left?”

“No, there has. Keeley and I were talking about it. They all seem to be happening in very quick succession. I’m ready for a break from them now. But you know us, any excuse for a good party.”

“True.” He mused. "How've you been?"

"Good, I've not long gotten back from Leslie’s. Half the team were there, it was a lovely day. Thierry is awful at charades and Richard brought his new Victoria's Secret model girlfriend."

"Sounds fun, what's she like?"

"Oh she's lovely, she's doing a PHD in mechanical engineering. The modelling is just a side hustle."

"Sounds like the premise for a romcom."

"It does, doesn't it? Suffice to say all of the boys were very enamoured with her. Though I think she's far too smart for them."

"Someone I know is remarkably similar, actually."

"Keeley? That's what I said."

"You, sweetheart."

"Don't be silly."

"Underestimated by anyone and everyone."

"Except you."

"Oh I'm definitely stupid enough to have underestimated you in the past. I try to avoid it now." She heard hushed voices in the background of the call, "hang on a sec." She waited for a minute and her phone beeped with a request to switch to video. She accepted and the screen filled with Ted and Henry. 

"Henry!"

"Becca! Merry Christmas!"

"You too! Having fun?"

"Both grandma's are asleep on the sofa. I came to get dad to do some lego."

"You guys had better run then! Can't miss out on lego."

"Have you had a good day?"

"I have, thank you, all the better for seeing you though!"

"Mom says hi, she's starting the book you sent her."

"That's wonderful, darling. You've still got the rest of the day to have fun, it's nearly bedtime for me." Ted watched back and forth, first surprised by Henry calling her 'Becca', then by her calling him 'darling'. "I'll let you both go, thank you for calling me. It was so lovely to hear you both. Ted, I'll see you in a few days? And H, we'll work on a Spring visit? See you soon my love!" She said with a wink.

"Go choose a lego set, Hen, I'll just say goodbye to Becca." Henry disappeared from view, "A Spring visit?"

"We've got some great days out planned. You should join us." Rebecca said with a smirk.

"You're trouble."

"Only occasionally."

"I'll see you in a few days."

"You will. Goodnight, Ted. Merry Christmas."

"Goodnight, Bec. Merry Christmas."

~~~~~~~~

Ted was due to arrive the day before New Year's eve. Rebecca and Keeley had planned on attending the match late afternoon on New Year's eve and then a low key team celebration to see in 2025. Roy had given strict instructions for everyone to have a tame night, nothing wild or crazy, so that they could all be fresh and ready for Colin's wedding. 

"Come on, Jamie!" Rebecca roared alongside Ted as Jamie received the ball from Dani and found space through the center of the pitch. They were 2-0 down and the second half had just started. They needed three goals in the next 45 minutes to avoid struggling in the second half of the season. He hit the post and Rebecca growled in frustration, the ball bounced back towards Sam who managed to get it under control and take a shot of his own. Nelson Road went crazy as Sam's shot found the goal. Rebecca was on her feet, as were Keeley and Ted. The ball was barely back in play when Dani took a shot of his own to make it 2-2.

"I don't know whether I like watching from up here more, or down by the pitch. I didn't realise how excited you get." He said with a knowing grin. 

"Ted, this is nothing - I thought she was going to run down to the pitch during your last game!" Keeley laughed. The match frustratingly slowed down and Richmond were unable to score again, luckily neither did the other team so they settled with a tie. Beard did some complicated math over dinner at Ola's and tried to come up with the various combinations of final standings until Rebecca took his notebook away with a glare, 

"We are 5 months away from the end of the season. We're only halfway through." She sat back down next to Ted and stashed the book into her bag. Isaac's hand came down to knock on the table. 

"Get the karaoke out - Jamie's gotta sing Britney!" he ordered. 

"Why?!"

"You hit the post. Thems the rules bro."

"Nah man, we got the goal!"

"Sammy got the goal. You got the post. Sing for me, pretty boy." Jamie cursed and grumbled while Nate set the machine up. He soon warmed up to his audience and treated them all to a rendition of Toxic - complete with saucy dance moves. 

"It's no Macarena, but that boy can dance." Ted pointed out. 

"One day, I'm sure he'll teach you how to Macarena if it means that much to you." Rebecca soothed. 

"I'd rather learn it from you. Them hips definitely don't lie, honey." They’d hardly left each other's side since he arrived at Nelson Road just in time for the match, they'd also not said a word about Marie. Rebecca could feel the knowledge that he was single coursing through her veins, it both put her on edge and comforted her all at once. It seemed to put more tension between them. Should anything happen, neither of them would be in the wrong this time, but the arrival and departure of both Matthijs and Marie hadn't never really been the issue. They'd just been disguising the original blocker of Ted's move back to Kansas. The karaoke continued despite Roy trying to tame them all. When it became clear that Colin and Michael were also up for a party, no one else had any excuse to leave early. If the grooms wanted to sing karaoke the night before their wedding then the team wouldn't let them down. After much persuasion from Rebecca and Keeley - who'd both worked their way through the Spice Girls back catalogue - Ted was finally on stage. He'd refused to sing alone though so Keeley cued up a duet for him to share with Rebecca. 

Don't go breaking my heart

I couldn't if I tried

Honey if I get restless

Baby you're not that kind

Don't go breaking my heart

You take the weight off of me

Honey when you knock on my door

Ooh, I gave you my key

They bumped hips in time to the music, Rebecca’s arm over his shoulder and a shared microphone between them. Around the room, the team loved every second. 

Woo hoo

Nobody knows it

But when I was down

I was your clown

Woo hoo

Nobody knows it

Right from the start

I gave you my heart

Oh-oh

I give you my heart

Rebecca pointed at Ted, singing every word to him. He joined in, laughing and spinning her around. Jamie watched curiously,

"Ey, are they together or what?" He nudged Roy.

"Fuck if I know." 

"I mean, they look like they're together. They act like it. Do ya reckon they've fucked?"

"Course they have." Despite having asked the question, Jamie still nearly fell off his chair in shock. 

"Fuck offffffff! How'd you know?"

"Cos I fuckin' know."

"Keeley told ya dint she?"

"No, she wouldn't tell me anything. I guessed. And I had to go back to our room at Beard's wedding so I overheard them. Scarred me for life."

"Obviously dint scar ya that much, me an Keeley had a great night." He teased. "I can't believe it. I mean, I can, it's just weird to think about."

"Too weird to think about?"

"Too fuckin weird."

"What's weird?" Keeley asked, squeezing between them. 

"Ted and Rebecca fucking."

"That's not weird. That would literally be the hottest thing in the world. I'd combust."

"Hang on, hang on, you've got us… but you wanna watch that?" Jamie asked, affronted. Keeley nodded her head, 

"Duhhh! Anyway, it's nearly midnight so get ready for a snog boys!" Sam managed to wrestle the microphone from Beard and gave them a two minute heads up. He switched the speakers to the radio for the countdown and went back to drag Simi away from the bar where she was lining up row after row of shots. Ted returned to Rebecca after catching up with Nate for a while. 

"So, boss-"

"Not your boss, Ted."

"If you say so. Who ya kissing at midnight? Keeley Jones-Kent? Beardo the Weirdo?"

"You?"

"Me? You sure about that?"

"I'm not fully convinced, but I don't exactly have long left to find an alternative." Ted turned to face her. 

"You want an alternative? How 'bout Dani?"

"Hmm. Both girlfriends are here."

"Jan?"

"You?" She suggested again, an exasperated smile forming. 

"Back to me again, huh? Wow you're really limited on options." In the background, the team were counting down. 

"Oh, I think you might be the best option." She leaned in towards him, 

Six, five, -

"In fact, you're the only option."

Four, three, two, -

She hesitated briefly halfway to a kiss, but of course, he met her in the middle. 

One! Happy New Year!

The noise of their family around them faded into the background as Ted's hand cupped the back of her head and his fingers tangled into her hair. He pulled her closer, sliding along the bench to bridge the gap between them. 

"Happy New Year, Becca." He whispered, resting his forehead against hers. 

"Happy New Year." She went to lean back in to kiss him again, "Will you come back with me tonight?"

"Sure will, sweetheart, if that's what you want?"

~~~~~~~

The party quickly began to fade with the new year coming in. Colin and Michael left to try and get some rest before the next day. With Leslie, Julie, Trent and the other older members of the group heading out, Rebecca and Ted decided to join them. They all jumped into a selection of waiting Ubers, calling out goodnight, blowing kisses and looking forward to the wedding. No one said a word when Ted got into Rebecca’s cab. She leaned against him in the back seat, her hand on his thigh and his hand tracing patterns down her arm. At her house, he helped her out of her coat and followed her upstairs where he unzipped her dress. She sat on the edge of the bed while he removed her high heels, a hand stroking up her calf. She pulled the dress up and over her head, leaving her in the lingerie set she told him she brought with him in mind. He sat back on his heels with a smile.

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you," she said shyly. "I missed you." She reached out for him. "I've had enough of quick, stolen moments."

"Tell me what you need, baby?"

"I need you to make love to me, Ted." He stood up to remove his clothes while she watched. He blushed, but she pulled him towards her by the waistband of his boxers and kissed a line from one hip to the other. She palmed the hard line in his boxers but he gripped her wrist before she could touch him any more. He pushed her gently back onto the bed, still holding her wrists, and raised them above her head. 

"Keep those hands right there for me, honey."  He muttered against her skin, then he kissed a hot path down her body, his mustache scratching against her stomach and hips. "I just realised the most terrible thing." He said, pulling her lace knickers down. He pulled her thighs apart and dragged her down to the edge of the bed. "I haven't gone down on you since the first time."

"That can't be true." She whined as he licked through her folds. He stopped to reply, making her moan with the loss of contact. 

"Sure is baby, it's been more than a year of quick, stolen moments, remember?" Before she could reply again, his mouth was on her clit and he was pumping two fingers inside her. He had her on the edge almost immediately, knowing exactly where and how she needed him. She came hard, her hands still above her head but frantically gripping the sheets. He didn't let up as she came, he continued to suck and tease her until her thighs clenched around him again. Unable to touch him with her hands, she ground her hips against his mouth, desperate for more contact, more of him. He took his time so he could really see her fall apart, he'd missed being able to drag it out for her - they’d had such little time together. When he released her clit with a pop, she moved her legs and reached to pull him up the bed. "Where d'ya want me, sweetheart?" He asked, hands coveting her body, biting a nipple through her bra. 

"Sit up." He did as she asked, back against the headboard. She straddled his lap and wasted no time in sinking down onto him. 

"Hmm, thought we were taking our time?" He asked, grunting into her collarbone as she settled. She stopped moving, 

"Maybe you were. Shall I go slow?" She teased, bringing his face up to her. She ground her hips so slowly, it was like she'd barely moved at all. They both groaned deeply. She fucked him slowly, languidly, rising and falling onto his cock at an agonising pace. The friction against her clit was exquisite each time she rolled her hips. The tension built until they were both mumbling each other's names and little else. Rebecca captured Ted’s mouth in a filthy kiss, sending them both over the edge as he gripped her hips tightly while he spilled inside her. He held her against him as they caught their breath.

"Fuck, Becca. I love you." They fell asleep together quickly, knowing that for the first time in over a year, they'd also wake up together. Their morning together reminded Rebecca of the morning after their first time - right before Ted had left. Before Matthijs, before Marie. She woke to him spooned around her, hands roaming her body. He pulled her leg back to hook over the back of his knee and open her up to him. His hand snaked across her waist, dipped to guide himself into her and then rolled around her clit until she reached behind her to pull him into a messy kiss. Then in the shower, he’d gotten to his knees while she was trying to wash her hair. In the kitchen, bent over her kitchen table, just as he’d dreamed about. And then finally, on the stairs before they left for the wedding.

~~~~~~~~

Rebecca watched Colin fiddle with his tie again. The young Welshman looked more nervous than she had ever seen. She couldn't hold herself still any longer. She passed Ted her bag and brushed past him. It was only a few steps to the front of the room where she took his hands away from his tie and held them gently. Ted watched her smile at the young man, she talked quietly to him as she released his hands, unknotted and retied the tie. She kissed his cheek, also turned to Isaac alongside him, and held his hand for a second before popping back to her seat.

"Soccer mom." Ted teased. 

"Fuck you."

"Please do. That was very sweet, is he OK?"

"Have you not had enough of me since midnight?" she asked, eyebrows raised. "He's nervous. He'll be fine. The very public declarations of love are the hardest part." Michael appeared in the doorway, appearing far calmer than Colin. 

"There's no such thing as enough of you." He whispered. Once again, Rebecca cried during the ceremony while Ted supplied tissues and held her hand. Once the ceremony was over, the attendees headed toward the bar. Colinand Michael had chosen a lovely boutique hotel in central London for their venue, both families had descended en masse along with seemingly all of Richmond. 

“Someone had a good night.” Keeley said to Rebecca while Ted was at the bar with Roy and Jamie.

“Are we talking about you guys? Because, I would probably pay to watch that.”

“Aww babe! I’d let you watch for free. I meant you though.”

“You’re too kind.”

“You’re glowing. The kind of glow that only comes from about 5 orgasms.”

“Pretty sure it was more like 7 or 8.” Rebecca muttered.

“Fuck me!”

“I’m a bit tired actually, can we reschedule?” 

“I’m not surprised you’re tired! How are you still standing?!” Keeley asked gleefully.

“No idea. Gin and the promise of more?”

“Yeah that’d probably keep me going too. So are you… together? Giving it a go?” Ted was on his way over with Roy and the drinks.

“No idea, haven’t talked yet. Mostly just fucked.” Rebecca managed to admit just before they were in earshot.

“Hi Ted!” Keeley greeted him with a knowing grin. “Get back to Mae’s ok last night?” She asked innocently.

“Hey Keels,” he kissed her cheek, “did you guys have a good night? I stayed at Rebecca’s last night, shared a cab y’know. New Year's Eve, crazy Uber prices and all that.”

“Hmm yeah. I mean, it’s not like you’re both filthy rich or anything. Who needs to spend an extra 30 quid on a taxi, that would just be reckless.” She raised an eyebrow. Rebecca cleared her throat.

“Excuse me, I’m just going to the ladies. Keeley?”

“Nope, I’m good right here thanks babe.” Rebecca hesitated,

“Sure?”

“Yep, off you pop.”

“What is it with you two and off you pop?” Ted questioned as Rebecca disappeared from view.

“I’m asking the questions here, pal.” Keeley spun to face him. “What’s going on?” Ted had a caught in the headlights look about him.

“I… don’t know?” Roy stood behind Keeley shaking his head.

“Wrong answer. You’re in for it now.”

“Wrong answer. You’ve got this whole perfect boyfriend vibe going on since you arrived yesterday, loving on her like you two haven’t been torturing each other for over a year. And she told me about last night. Or this morning. Whichever, whatever.”

“Keeley, I-”

“I want to make sure that you’re not going to hurt her. You have no idea how brightly she shines when you’re around - those little infrequent visits and the hot, sneaky sex and then you bugger off back to Kansas and it’s like she’s not sure of herself.”

“She always shines.”

“She does, yes. But when you’re here it’s… honestly it’s something else. And maybe you don’t see it, but when you’re not here there’s a piece missing.”

“Let me guess, the lemon in the gin? The salt in the tequila?”

“Yes! See - you do get it!”

“Beard said something similar. So did Becca, actually. But they were referring to…” he gestured around the room, the team. “All of this. Everyone.”

“It is everyone, don’t get me wrong. But we all have something, someone. I’ve got Roy and Jamie, Leslie’s got Julie, the team are the team. We all pulled each other along when you first left and we got by, but you just don’t see how much harder it is for her. Going home alone every night? She’s the only one with no one.” Ted looked down into his whiskey. “I, we,” she looked around the room, “care too much for her for her to be alone. We care too much for you too.”

“I’ll bear that in mind. Thanks Keeley.”

“I love you , Ted.”

“I love you too, hon. You’re the best.” He put an arm around her.

“Don’t fuckin’ tell her that, she’ll get a big head.” Roy groaned. “She’s already got enough people under her thumb.”

“Including you, baby!” Keeley replied with a wink and a finger gun.

“Oh god, are we telling Keeley how great she is again?” Rebecca rejoined them.

“I’m the best, apparently.” The younger woman beamed.

“Yes you are, darling. I certainly can’t live without you.” The party soon got into full swing, despite hangovers from the previous night. With Keeley’s comments echoing in his mind, Ted focused on Rebecca. Slow dancing with her, joining her with the team and staying by her side. No one questioned it, no one asked what they were to each other. He stayed at her house again that night. He made her a cup of brown water in the morning to take back up to her in bed, eager to get back to her.

“Goodness me! Ted, you nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“Mornin’ Deborah, nice to see you again.”

“Good morning. Nice to see you’re wearing clothes.”

“Yeah well, Rebecca warned me you have a habit of dropping by unannounced. I’ll go and get her.” They spent the day together, went out for dinner with the coaches, their partners, Leslie, Julie and Trent. Rebecca could almost believe that it was real, that this was their life together. She watched as he packed up the small suitcase he’d retrieved from Mae’s after apologising to her for not once sleeping in the bed he’d paid for. She sat cross-legged in the center of the bed wearing one of his coaching t-shirts. He’d found the drawer full and she’d had to come clean about why she had them. 

~~~~~~~~~

The following morning, he left her with a kiss at the front door to go to the airport. She managed to wait all of 20 minutes before she was hurriedly dressing and following him out of the door. Habit again saw her purchasing another first class ticket.

“Well this feels a lot like deja vu.” He said, stepping away from the ticket desk. “Another first class ticket? Where for this time?”

“I need to say something.” She replied nervously. “I didn’t say it last time, I was too scared. But I can’t let you leave again without saying it. We’ve both ruined potential new relationships because we can’t seem to let go of whatever this is. I need you to know that I love you, Ted. I love you more than anything in the world and I’d do anything if you’d stay. I want-” her voice broke over her tears as she voiced everything she hadn’t said previously. “I want you to come back to me. I want you to come back for me. If it means I spend half a year in Kansas with you, I’d do it. Whatever it takes, I need you to know that I’ll be all in, just say the word. But we can’t keep doing whatever this is. I love you too much to keep stringing this along. I love Henry too much to take you away from him. So we either find a way, or we don’t.” He stepped forwards to hold her as she cried in his arms again. 

Last call for passengers to Paris, France.

“Let me… let me think. Let me talk to Michelle and Henry. God, sweetheart I’d give anything to be selfish right now, but I can’t. I love you, Rebecca. I’ll love you forever, but I need to figure this out first.” She nodded through her tears, her fingers holding onto his until the last moment as he stepped through the gate to his waiting flight.

[heart-forge]

and like related to the last reblog, I think marketing RPGs for a broad and generalized audience (rather than a hyperspecific audience that's here to play something like morrowind or a pathfinder-based game that require you to keep track of things separately from the UI) has kind of made it difficult for players to:

differentiate between genres, as many RPGs overlap too generously with FPS, and FPS try to gain an audience they aren't interested in catering to by adding RPG elements, to say nothing of something like Assassin's Creed which started as an extremely on-rails strategy-based narrative game and then slowly started adding RPG elements and open world elements...so of course some more hobbyist-minded, casual, or even just those that don't consider genre to be inclusive of game mechanics, players jump from game to game and are hooked in to experiences they don't really like because it's just not wholly what they're looking for. DA fans and ME fans have something in common, whereas AC Odyssey fans and DA fans might clash more strongly with each other's genre. Dedicated AC players might find DA combat boring and overly simple, repetitive, lacking strategy elements. DA fans might find their RP capabilities to be severely limited. These aren't actually FAULTS of either game, but they can be presented as such.

know what to expect at all. AC Odyssey was marketing made a big deal out of the romance system which had never existed in any prior game, out of the RPG elements, out of the ability to choose your gender....which was a big deal within their own community. for DA players approaching the game because they heard RPG elements, there was disappointment: the romance system wasn't robust and had no effect on the story, the main plot line stopped being important once it was over despite the potential presence of your family in your life, and your ability to choose how to shape events wasn't on par with a game built around an enormous branching narrative system.

so, fans of dedicated RPGs might expect more games to acknowledge and include their RP choices, even though these games aren't built to care and are largely built of an audience looking to 100% stealth a level. the addition of RPG elements could be annoying to players who are looking for a min-max combat experience, which is what makes more modern TES games frustrating for the old guard who want the same kind of extremely granular lore-based world building of something like morrowind, which is less approachable to casual players who want to be able to experience a limited story where they know their role and can play it without a master's degree in the daedric language.

a lot of the complaints or the wishlists of people I see in the tags for ESO, especially as TESVI is more and more obviously a total hypothetical at this stage and more fans are seeking out new content despite the intimidating MMO aspect, are wildly unrealistic. a large scale npc affection system isn't feasible: they have the companion system now, but even my wildly unrealistic pipe dream of them adding npcs to the companion system is a little silly (although I maintain that it would ultimately be profitable). it's based, however, on their love for a different genre of game that has the same core concept as this MMO. no, the game can't keep track of my minute character choices or have wildly altered world states from player to player: if you want something like that, then you need a contained singleplayer experience.

so I guess this is just to say that demanding ultimate canonical power as a player is wildly unrealistic, not fun, and mostly the domain of people who have trouble accepting things as real without some authority over the decision, but MCs can absolutely have character arcs even when the game never acknowledges it. that doesn't make it less true: the game just has to avoid doing anything to contradict it, and even then, the player has the power to ignore AND flesh out a lot of stuff. it's why the old fandom was less interested in canonical, creator-acknowledged facts: because nobody needs authority to imagine something.

[aquadestinyswriting]

Meta Stuff

OK, now I'm writing stuff for the current ttrpg campaign set in the Titan Fighting Fantasy Universe, I need to come up with an overarching title for it. The thing is, I'm drawing a blank and have been for the last couple of months.

All I know is that I would like for it to have something related to circles/cycles being repeated since the party haven't come up with a name for themselves, and history repeating itself is the major theme of the campaign. There's also the usual themes of found family coming together, people finding themselves and good old fashioned Good vs Evil but with nuance(tm).

It normally doesn't take me this long to come up with something I like, but since this is an on-going campaign currently and it involves other people and their characters, I guess I'm being a lot more picky than usual. I just want to have a title to use, even as a placeholder, so I can separate out the writing for this campaign from the 'other' tag. And so I can pop in the updated worldbuilding stuff since the setting has changed quite a bit since Destiny's New Servants, a period that the majority of my writing thus far has taken place around.

[forabeatofadrum]

Here it is, fic rec friday! I said I was gonna do this! I don’t know if it’ll be a weekly thing, because it depends on whether or not I read fics in a week. Also, to prevent people from being overwhelmed by tags, I don’t think this is going to be a tag challenge, but of course feel free to also make your own post with recs!

Strap in Klainers and Snowbazzians, cause here we go. It’s another long one! Happy reading!

@cerriddwenluna​ wrote Swipe, a funny one-shot about Kurt and Blaine meeting through Tinder. Sort of. Look, it has a tiny plot twist. You have to read it for yourself 👈(ﾟヮﾟ👈).

I read more of Gwen’s stuff! I started Bem Vindo a Portugal, previously known as Klaine in the Netherlands which became Klaine in Portugal. I do not mind, Gwen, and if you ever need more help with Klaine in the Netherlands, please have this: klompen, windmolen, kaas, tulpen, kroketten! Jokes aside, though, I am excited to get to know Portugal. I’ve never been here, but my mum actually visited Lisbon for the first time a few weeks ago and she was very excited.

There are quite some Marta fics I still need to read (goblin!Baz is still somewhere buried in my Likes), but I am going through them! I read The Vampire and the Boy in the Tower and I am speechless. It is so good. Oh my God, Marta created a wonderful universe with a lot of angst, but also hope.

I still have Klaine Advent fics to catch up on, and I read @snarkyhag‘s WIP. I... don’t really know how to link it, since there isn’t a masterpost or a separate Tumblr tag or an AO3 entry yet, so for now, have the Klaine Advent 2022 tag! Yay, Klaine and Samcedes!

Another cute story is Tipsy Truths by @aroace-genderfluid-sheep​. Simon confesses his feelings for Baz through a drunk text. Oh boy!

Apart from reading fic, I also love reading people’s thoughts about fic. @facewithoutheart​ had a nice extra about This Will All Go Down In Flames over here. (Also, Fuck The Mage, kinda). @cutestkilla​ also shared some Humdrum insider information here. It’s really cool to see what parts of canon have been expanded on for What’s Left. And @captain-aralias​​ also has some behind the scenes stuff here on Four Funereal Weddings and an American Stag Do. I adore the fic (and the suits!).

I am also losing it over the “HELEN!!!!”s in The Wellbeloves by @ionlydrinkhotwater​. This is a comic where Simon and Agatha are siblings. I am so emo about Simon having a lovely family and this is so fun.

Unfortunately, I also come with angst. A post on my dashboard led me to This Will End in Flames by @bloodiedpixie​ and uhhh yeah MCD warning. Simon dies in Wayward Son. I need... a moment... to lie down and weep. I see there is also another installment in this series where Baz dies, but I’m not strong enough for that now.

Now, for something no one asked for! This is another thing that I saw on my dashboard, but apparently a group of people started a project in 2016 called Sarah Jane Neverending, which is an extension of the Sarah Jane Adventures! (Kind of like Class: Ongoing, I guess.) (Whovians, man.). SJA got cancelled in 2011 and it was very unexpected, since Lis Sladen, the main actress, died. Back then, three more episodes were already planned and I know that over the years fans have asked for novalisations of those stories, so that they could at least be seen as canon. That never happened, so I guess some fans took matters into their own hands. I have only read their season 5B stories, aka their version of the 3 unproduced episodes. I will see if I will also read their completely fanmade season 6 and 7. But yeah, season 5B. Damn. The Thirteenth Floor fucked me up in particular.

And lastly, there might be some smaller ficlets or drabbles that I won’t mention in these posts, but I will redirect you to my fic tags on my main blog: Klaine fics (klfics), Brittana fics (bsfics), general Glee fics (glee fic), Whoniverse fics (dw fic), Check, Please! fics (omgcp fics), Simon Snow series fics (co fics), and the general fic tag (fics). And here’s the original writing tag, because why not. I do put a lot of stuff in a long queue, so the tags might now always be “up to date”.

Also, guys, I need you to know that I was going through the generic fic tag, retagging fics that needed to be retagged, and I found a Snowbaz fic from the Fangirl days and it was tagged as Bazon. BAZON.

AND OKAY, one more thing. When I was cleaning out that rusty tag, I also came across this fic called And In The End by @scrunchyharry​ (Klainers might remember the name fleurdelisse). It’s over ten years old, but I remembered it immediately. I might’ve even printed it out 10 years ago. Like, I am pretty sure I have a physical copy of it somewhere. Caroline, I see you’ve probably left the fandom, so I didn’t know if I should tag you, but if you read this, please know that even ten years later, this fic makes me so emotional.

[ursulaismymiddlename]

no pressure tags, feel free to ignore: @duckland @laurelwen @nightmares-and-fascinations @whats-rambled-rambled

Fic ideas for Jake (Sweetbitter) x You that i've been kicking around, but probably won't ever write:

You were a barista at a coffee shop that Jake frequented, at the start of the fic he hasn't seen you in awhile (he wasn't actually keeping track, but he remembers faces) and then one day you're at the restaurant

---

“Coffee shop girl?”

“.... Large black Americano, 2 pumps vanilla?”

“You remember.” (that dumb smirk of his)

“Yeah, you have your regulars, I have mine.”

“Sure, but what are you doing here? Doesn’t exactly seem your type of place.”

“Excuse me?”

“C’mon, you’re some bright-eyed early bird barista.  Shouldn’t you be gettin to bed soon?”

“So you’re mistaking my customer service persona for actually knowing me? Hmm… interesting.”

— “Oh, Jake, I see you’ve met the new line cook.  She’s going to start fielding the expanded dessert menu until we can get a pastry chef hired.”

---

In an effort to be as big of an asshole as you perceive him to be, you keep referring to him as Statefarm (Like Jake, from Statefarm)... this may or may not catch on to others at the restaurant. And you give him shit about being from Cape Cod all the time (personally, I'm from St Louis, which seems like naive midwest shit, but statistically is a tougher area than ThE cApE so I enjoying the idea of making fun of him for it)

---

it's clearly antagonistic to start (a little Beatrice and Benedick going on) though y'all slowly start to become kinda friends and then probably more than that

---

"Yo, Statefarm, I need some Grandma."

"Drinkin on the job, coffee girl?"

"I got a tableside Flambé, so make with the booze, barboy."

---

Making homey food for family meals since you're the FNG and put in charge of the bitch work, especially when you're pulling double duty making prepping desserts for dinner service...

And making a particularly good looking/tasting dish, enough to even momentarily impress Jake and giving him a shit eating grin and a snooty "That's why I'm here, asshole."

---

At one point Jake catching you in the walk-in, visibly upset

“What happened?”

“Nothin.  Go back to the bar.”

*blocks exit from walk-in* “What. Happened?”

 “I said nothin!  … *insert some name* was just being stupid and it got to me alright?”

“What did he say to you?”

*something about fucking a manager but not being pretty enough to be FoH and being given a spot in the kitchen*

Jake’s jaw clenches and he turns on a heel without another word, storming out of the walk-in in search of the offending person

---

I had a separate silly thought of you having to use the kitchen-supplied knives because you haven't been able to afford your own knife set yet and maybe catching a little (mostly jovial) flack for it, and maybe he gets one decent one for you or some shit haha

"Look, I saw it on sale while I was ordering some other stuff, so I thought I'd pick it up for ya. Maybe now you can stop bothering everyone else for theirs."

"Jake, I... thank you. How can I repay you?"

"Well, for starters, you can try this new cocktail I've been working on..." *pops open the bottle that came in the package*

---

“Wow, did you take these photos?  They’re gorgeous!  And is that… the hostess? Oh wow, she’s beautiful, all of these are so beautiful.  But there’s something about them that feels so..  I mean I’m no art critic but… Nevermind, you don’t wanna hear it.”

“No, go on.  Tell me.”

“Well, just… everything looks… out of touch. Disconnected.  There’s a beautiful woman in your bed and you’re miles away.  Guess life is easier through a camera lens… Sorry, I talk too much. Project too much too probably.”

“You’re right… You do talk too much.”

*rolling your eyes* “Shut up and make me a drink, Statefarm.”

---

Getting tipsy with Jake, he reminds you about your vlog for the folks back home and you decide to make one at his place, he’s just tipsy enough he’ll make an appearance, there’s some banter, later after posting someone you know comments “so when y’all gonna kiss?” and Jake decides to tease you about it whenever y’all get into your banter.

---

“I deserve to be pursued, to be worshiped.  I don’t think I’ll ever have that, but I still deserve it!”

“Why wouldn’t you get that?”

“Have you LOOKED at me, Jake?  I’m a pudgy wannabe pastry chef. Lol”

“I’d fuck you.”

“You’d fuck anything that consents.”

“That’s probably the nicest insult you’ve ever given me.”

---

Simone fucked off to France with Etienne, Jake is trying to recover, gets a letter saying she's signing over her half of the house to Jake so he owns in full, her final goodbye, totally cutting him off now, which leads to some appropriate emotional drama

---

"Now the house is sold, me and *some cook name* are looking to start our own place. Got a space and everything.  You should come with us."

"I'm not a chef, Jake."

"No, but you're a good cook. You could make your diner food. We could do brunch on the weekends. I'll sling mimosas and bloody Maries to the waiting crowd. C'mon it'll be fun.  I think you'd really enjoy it."

---

“When are you gonna let me kiss you?”

“Maybe one day, if you mean it.”

“And if I mean it now?”

“Then kiss me, Statefarm… See? You don’t mean shi–”

*grabs face, interrupting you with a kiss*

“Don’t fuck with me, Jake.  You know I’m not about this fuckboy bullshit.”

“I’m not fuckin with you, okay?  I’m not. I want you. And I think you want me too.”

This is all just shit I have in my doc, maybe another couple little ideas floatin around, but here's the long and short of the idea haha If you've read this far, thanks! ^_^