#i guess at least ill get to hang out with my 1 friend a while longer lol

[pecanwriter]

Hired Help

Themes: near-immobility, non-sexual weight mentions

Words: 1597

Part: 1/?

Marty put his car in park and pulled out his tablet. His new client had problems with taking care of himself due to limited mobility. No wonder, Marty couldn’t help thinking, as according to the chart the man was around five hundred pounds, although the number was an estimation since he was unable to weigh himself for some time. 

Donovan McMiller. 

Marty’s brow furrowed, he did know a Donovan McMiller in high school, but this couldn’t be him, that Donovan was a baseball sensation. He looked at the client’s date of birth. 1994. Same as Marty. Could it be the same Donovan? But to gain over three hundred pounds in nine years…? Surely, it wasn’t possible. 

Walking up to the block of flats, he found the correct flat number on the second story. He wondered how McMiller managed to leave the house. There was no lift and the stairs seemed like a tremendous effort for someone who needed to hire a caretaker to help them with basic needs. 

Marty pressed the doorbell and settled himself to wait, it would probably take a while. 

Indeed, it took about five minutes for the floor on the other side of the door to creak and for the door to swing open. 

A tall, dark-haired man stood there breathing heavily and holding himself up on a cane. Marty instantly knew that he was much bigger than five hundred pounds. McMiller’s sweaty face was soft and doughy and in the place where a neck should be he had a massive roll of fat, melting together with his double chin. It was true, the flat’s hallway wasn’t particularly spacious, but it was still shocking to see the guy fill it almost completely. His legs were large and swollen as if they were melting ice cream, almost the same size from his feet to his thighs they became even bigger around his giant hips, nearly touching the walls on both sides of the hall. His stomach was massive, hanging in front of him like an overstuffed sack of potatoes. It was so large it almost covered his swollen knees. The chubby hand clutching the cane was shaking slightly. Ashamed that he was staring Marty quickly looked back up to the man’s face. With a start, he realised that he knew that face. He was never friends with Donovan McMiller, but there was no denying that it was him. 

“Hi, I’m Marty” He said, purposefully omitting his last name” I’m from the SunnyAid company, I’ll be assisting you from no on.” 

“Donovan.” The man said in greeting, shuffling a little back, beginning the manoeuvre of turning his massive body around. “Come inside.” 

Marty waited, unable to keep his eyes away from Donovan’s body as he laboriously started to turn around. His entire body was jiggling and wobbling as if it was a giant water-filled balloon. There was a moment when Marty thought he would get stuck, his massive hips pressing into the wall at an angle and his enormous gut stopping him on one side while his ass pushed against the wall on the other. While Marty was already having visions of himself helping this man who was at least six inches taller than him get unstuck, miraculously Donovan’s body came free and he managed to turn. Slowly, painfully, he waddled down the corridor into the apartment and Marty followed him. 

“What would you need my help with today? Just to spare you the pain, we can get straight to it, so you don’t exert yourself needlessly.” Marty said. It was something that he had to say to all his clients, although in McMiller’s case, he thought it would probably do him some good if he stayed on his feet for a while. 

“Uh, shower, I guess…” McMiller grunted, visibly embarrassed, but Marty couldn’t find it in himself to care. Yeah, it was embarrassing to have to hire someone to help you shower, but it wasn’t like he lost his mobility due to illness or an accident, there was nothing about such events in his application to the SunnyAid. Donovan decided to eat himself into this state and Marty wasn’t going to feel bad for him. But he also wasn’t enough of an ass to let it show; he could think what he wanted, but he would still treat the guy with as much respect as his other clients. 

“Alright, let’s go straight to the bathroom then.”

Marty followed with tiny steps as Donovan waddled and jiggled and huffed his way to the bathroom. 

The door to the bathroom made Marty visualise another scenario in which he, with all his 5’10 glory was trying to get this massive man unstuck, but somehow Donovan managed to squeeze himself in with sheer force. When Marty helped him take off his tent-sized shirt he noticed red grazes and scratches as well as some bruising along the most prominent part of Donovan’s stomach and he realised he was hurting himself every time he had to squeeze through the door. Marty suppressed a grimace; he truly couldn’t understand why someone would let himself go this much. 

It was even more shocking to see Donovan naked than it was to see him and his size for the first time. He looked like a melting pile of soft, full dairy ice cream. Donovan’s massive gut turned out to be comprised of two gigantic fat rolls. The top one was smaller and ended maybe around where his belly button used to be, the second one was much larger and hang like a giant sack reaching Donovan’s knees. His chest was soft and wide, his nipples stretched and pink. His arms looked like balloons filled with cottage cheese and were probably thicker than Marty’s waist. 

Donovan almost fell into the chair that was standing in the shower and Marty was impressed it didn’t break, although it did make a worrying sound. 

“Alright, let’s see…” Marty said, keeping his tone as upbeat as possible. 

Turning on the shower would be impossible, he would get wet and likely so would the entire bathroom. Marty ended up filling a bucket and a basin with water, one to soap up, the other to rinse with. 

He pulled on his rubber gloves and squeezed the excess water off the soapy sponge. Donovan was not looking at him and Marty did his best not to think about the fact he was washing another man. The massive body was soft under his touch, it was surprising how much each fat roll weighed as he lifted them all one by one to clean every crevice. He was being even more thorough than he would usually be, but if this guy just hired help, it was possible he had trouble cleaning himself thoroughly for at least a few weeks if not longer. Marty wasn’t looking forward to cleaning the man between his legs, but before he could even attempt it, he was faced with another issue. The massive stomach was too large for him to lift and clean with just one hand underneath it. 

“Will you please hold up your stomach as much as you can? I can’t lift it…” He said and still didn’t look Donovan in the face. With painfully strained effort the man reached his flabby arms and grabbed his stomach, but wasn’t even close to grabbing the bottom of the second fat roll. Marty pushed it up as much as he could and then Donovan finally managed to grab a hold of it he swiftly dove down to clean the remaining areas as fast as possible. Donovan’s arms were shaking with the excursion. 

“How much longer…?” He grunted “It’s slipping…” 

Before Marty could reply the giant rolls of fat slipped from Donovan’s hold and bounced down with a loud slapping sound. Marty jumped back but not before the massive gut rubbed against the front of his shirt effectively soaking it through. 

“I’m sorry…” Donovan nearly whined. 

“It’s fine, no worries.” Marty gritted through his teeth. How could this man let himself get so massive? How could he let himself get so enormously fat that he wasn’t even able to hold his own stomach up? 

Marty washed the soap away in silence. 

“Alrighty, I’m leaving you for today, just sign here.” 

Marty handed Donovan his tablet where the man was now nearly melted into the couch. 

“Thank you.” Donovan gave the tablet back, his entire massive body jiggling just with that slight movement. 

Marty gave a tight smile and without another word let himself out. 

His mind still reeling, Marty went to fasten his seatbelt and grimaced noticing that he had to strain just the tiniest bit to get it. He himself was nearly sixty pounds heavier now than he was when he and Donovan graduated. Was he really in any shape to judge the guy? Sure, he was nowhere being immobile and he had a job that required at least some level of physical fitness, but at the same time, sixty pounds wasn’t nothing. He got out of breath going up the stairs, if he had to run for any reason his whole body jiggled like jello, lately he discovered that if he had a belt on, he couldn’t even see it because his round gut was in the way. Marty suddenly felt ashamed; if he noticed so many changes with just sixty additional pounds, how horrible did Donovan have to feel? 

Feeling like a complete ass, Marty began his drive to the next client’s house, promising himself that tomorrow he was going to be more understanding towards Donovan. 

Please let me know if you'd like me to write more about these two!

[polyamorouspunk]

Sleepover Friday, usually I don’t use anon but anxiety is bad rn, I’m not feeling like I’m enough, both my partners are having a lot happen in their lives and I just don’t know how to help more, I have a lot to say but I don’t wanna be a pest and I just, any advice for shaking anxiety off?

Do you have a lot to say specifically to them? Because if so you can draft one really long message and just like edit it and when you feel like you’ve hit every point just send it to them and then put your phone away and focus on something else.

If you mean like you have a lot to say where you need to vent about your own things and don’t want to bother them, I would find a space that they’re not in and just vent about your stuff there, like this wonderful server for mentally ill polyamorous people where I yell about my problems to other adults:

My mom and I actually just had like a talk between us of like venting our shared issues (don’t have friends, not feeling good about life sometimes, etc.) and our unique issues (she has financial stress I don’t have, I have ‘do I need a new job’ stress she doesn’t have right now) but like I make sure that I have a few support systems to turn to (I vent on this blog, I vent in my server, I vent to my friends, I even vent to my coworkers) but my mom said that she can tell she’s venting too much to my grandma and that my grandma has started letting what my mom vents go in one ear and out the other and that she needs to vent less and like… I get it I feel like I vent in my server too much even though it’s MY server…

I guess in a way I’m lucky that I’m the person going through it the most I think at least openly that I know. Like yes of course everyone I know has problems but I think they’re… handling it better than me… you know, not falling back into SH, making suicide jokes, trying to decide if they should uproot their entire lives because 1 girl rejected them…. You know shit like that….

Honestly my advice has been and always will be just find a tv show or a book series or a game and just lose yourself in it so you don’t focus on your own shit you’re focusing on a piece of media instead. And I mean that can be debilitating, I know for a while I was watching a show and I was like “work is interfering with my comfort show” and that’s… that’s not helping. But like it’s better than the kind of crippling depression that leaves you like? Self harming and a sobbing mess in bed? Like at least I can be obsessed with a show?

Alternatively, getting out of the house and like… DOING something? Also helps. Like now I go to Virginia Beach and take time to myself to go to the beach and relax, go shopping, take a long but relatively easy drive… that helps too.

[guesswhojusttt]

Chapter 2: take it, cause I’d give it for free

when I've learned how to love (Covey!Reader x Sejanus Plinth)

Summary:

What are you to do but let her walk away?

Part 1 | AO3

“If you know what’s good for you-“

You pulled her bun back with a snap of your wrist, so her neck was arched up so she would fear it breaking it if you so much as tugged the bun a just little further back- and your other hand, still clutching the white liquor bottle Lucy Gray had passed you, smashed it on her mouth, the satisfying shatter slamming into her delicate lips and rattled teeth- you were sure at least one tooth would be loose, and if you were really lucky, she’d lost it. While others pushed and shoved against each other in the dark madness of the bar brawl, you dragged her closer to the stage, and she staggered in front of you- her back pressed into your torso. “I’ll have you arrested-“ she choked out through the blood you could smell, if not see, filling her mouth, “you and anyone foolish enough to consider you a friend. I’ll have you hanged-“

“When? After I use this bottle, now so prettily halved-“ you trailed its jagged shards, clutching its stem of the half that was still intact, along her cheek, “to gouge your eyes out? Now, since it’s just a bottle, it won’t be as clean and easy of a job as it would be if I had a knife-“ and you dug the pointed glass into her skin, dragging it dangerously close to her eyelid, “it’s a shame, really. I wanted to punish Billy Taupe first, but I guess you’re my consolation prize. You don’t mind, right?” You could feel her warm blood running down your arm, slick over your palm and fingers- whether from her mouth or from the lines you’d trenched into the soft, delicate skin of her cheek, you didn’t know, but it thrilled you just the same. This is what she gets for the nightmares she’s brought upon Lucy Gray and Maude Ivory. The constant anxiety of Barb Azure and Tam Amber, the ill-concealed guilt of Clerk Carmine who, by being Bully Taupe’s brother, somehow finds a way to blame himself. “Which eye do you like more?“ Giving her a chance to answer, you brought it right to the corner of her eye, relishing in her whimpers, her trembling limbs, her jelly-like legs that surely would have collapsed were you not using her hair to hold her up like a marionette. You clicked your tongue in irritation. “Fine. No matter. Once I’m done with you, they won’t find your body: the mockingjays will enjoy feasting-“

Loud, blaring horns. Flashing lights. The horns again, a sharp whistle blow piercing the air- people rushing to the exit, and you would’ve smashed the bottle over her head for good measure were it not for the blinding lights growing closer- so you shoved her away, satisfying yourself instead with the smash of her knees to the ground- and backed behind the blanket, to backstage- to the shed where Tam Amber sat on a tire, and Barb Azure paced- stopping short when she saw you.

“I warned you!” She fumed, “I told you not to, and what are you, a deaf snake?”

You held up your hands defensively, which didn’t help your case, as it gave the fresh blood an easy stream down your arm to your elbow, staining your sleeve. As Barb Azure (well-meaning, caring Barb Azure, who had every right to scold, to worry) lectured you, you were overtaken by a tang filling your nostrils. The pungent, coppery scent of blood was somehow… cleaner? Than you thought. The blood you were used to smelling every month was mixed up with discharge and clots- but this was a strange feeling. This wasn’t blood that came as a natural part of life. This wasn’t something everyone deals with, something you get used to. At least, you hoped you wouldn’t ever get used to it.

“You’re a better family than I deserve, really,” you said, as Tam Amber silently stalked away, out, “but… now that the adrenaline’s gone, I’ve realized something.”

“Now you realize!” Barb Azure grabbed your face, cupping your cheeks with both her palms. “Look at me. Please, look at me. You can’t go on like this: you’ll get yourself killed.”

“I don’t- I didn’t think it through. We didn’t bring any water to wash off this blood, but don’t worry, I’ll wash this with the rest of the laundry so I won’t end up costing us a drop. Not a drop, I promise.”

“Water… cost? You’re worried- you think the problem is that you’ll be wasting a cupful of water?”

“I won’t waste it, that’s the point! I’ll do the clothes altogether, so this sleeve will-“

“When will you learn that you’re the priority? Not food, not money. You . What if the lights had gone on and you were on display for all to see? What if Mayfair schemes against you like she did Lucy Gray?”

“She and I haven’t talked before, she won’t recognize-“

“She’s heard your voice now. If she ever hears it again- she was so scared the memory is now stamped into her head. Every detail, she’ll think about again and again, and the moment the tiniest detail tips her off-“

“I’m sick of living in fear of her and of the Peacebreakers and of the Capitol. I don’t want to be scared all the time.”

“Better scared than dead.”

“I’m just…” your voice cracked, and still she held your head in her hands, “I’m just so angry, all the time. And I hate everyone who isn’t us and I’m just so frustrated and I have all this- this rage and nowhere to channel. Barb Azure, all I really am is fed up and tired.” You rested your head on her shoulder, and no sooner had she brought up her palm to stroke it than Tam Amber walked in, victoriously wielding a bottle that was maybe a fourth (or fifth?) filled with white liquor.

“Had to wait for the Peacebreakers to clear out, but this was lying on the ground,” he pours a moderate, careful swig of the bottle onto his threadbare rag, the same one he uses to clean his mandolin, and takes your hand- the one that hadn’t been holding Mayfair’s bun, the one that clenched the shattered bottle. He rolls up your sleeve, bunching it to the elbow, and wipes up the now-drying blood off your forearm. He gently dabs the smears of blood off your palm, and you hiss, snapping your hand back as a sharp reflex. “You’re hurt,” Barb Azure chewed her lip, white teeth digging into soft flesh, “is it deep? Let me see.”

She steps forward too, and cradles the back of your hand to keep it steady while Tam Amber gingerly pats the rag over your palm. When it’s too bloody to be doing any good, he pours more of the liquor into it, wrings it out- the blood thinning out as it mixes with the alcohol and drips onto the floor with every squeeze of the rag- and gets back to your hand, working the cloth between each of your fingers.

As the adrenaline drained from your system, a flush of warmth in your chest burst and bloomed like a flower, flooding you. Yes, Barb Azure had scolded you, but not to condemn your actions- out of concern. And now she was holding your hand while Tam Amber washed away the blood, and you didn’t deserve it, or at least, you don’t think you deserve it, this kindness. It was an act of violence, physical assault, and still they were concerned for you. Your well-being. What is it a metaphor for, to have friends who wash away your self-inflicted blood stains? Is it poetic, to be in a dingy shed after a bar fight, the three of you huddled together with the cheap white liquor used as medicine to disinfect the messy slices along your palm and sides of your fingers from clutching the shuttered bottle?

And they had waited for you, not wanting you to go back alone. Not wanting you to be alone.

The three of you trudged home in tow, and the night was mercifully cooler than the day, the dark sky blanketing over you, some pale yellow lights still pulsing in the houses that gradually dimmed out, one by one, kids long since tucked in bed. The street, packed dirt and clumps of pine-green weeds, wound this way and that like a river, leading to houses with dilapidated wooden roofs above coal-grimed windows. The thinnest veil of clouds drifted overhead, and this late in the night, everyone had headed home from the Hob after the fight, so it was eerily empty, but in a comforting-silence sort of way. A paradox, a liminal space.

With your uninjured hand, you picked at a particularly juicy blemish on your cheek, knowing full well you'd be creating a crater in your face already nothing but criss-crossed scars.

“We’re all thinking it so I’ll say it: the cut on my hand will be bandaged. The mayor's daughter may be an idiot, but I honestly think that even if I said it was an injury from chopping up food or an accident, she’ll somehow put two and two together. I’ll try to lay low, if that’s okay, so I can’t help with shopping and errands. But don’t worry, I’ll still be working, just not at the Hob-“

“It’s not about that. When will you learn it’s not about you contributing, it’s not about how you’re of service? We’re just worried about you.”

Though everyone both said it and acted like it, for some reason you never could believe it. If you couldn’t bring something to them, if you weren’t useful, why keep you around? Who cares about family and friends if you don’t provide value, provide something ? If you don’t give something of physical and emotional worth, you’re a parasite.

Maude Ivory has a nightmare, Barb Azure soothes her.

Lucy Gray wakes up panting and sweating, you wipe her hair from her head and murmur words to lull her back to sleep.

The constant interruptions at night- though you neither blame nor resent them for it- mean you end up sleeping in later and later. Considering the responsibility you have to babysit and tutor, you can’t afford to sleep like this, but maybe now that the Covey are back to performing as usual you could cut back on these hours anyway.

But then Tam Amber is in the kitchen, picking moldy green patches out of a slice of bread, and suddenly cutting back on even one hour of work is no more than a pipe dream.

And when Maude Ivory hauls the stash of nuts from last year to shell outside, you decide no amount of sleep deprivation excused any less work, and decide to ask a couple of your busier clients if they needed an extra hour or two of you watching the kids while they unwind from a full day of work.

You’re explaining this to Barb Azure- a moment for Barb Azure.

Her hair is thick and dark- her long eyelashes, her bushy eyebrows, her neat dreadlocks- the kind of thickness one could kill for, all volume and definition. Her face is oval, her nose long, her skin and eyes the warm sienna brown reminiscent of a cozy autumn. If books were easily available, she’d be a bookworm. If you had access to universities like the Capitol does, she’d be the kind to live inside of libraries and work too hard to get perfect grades and be too shy to answer questions she knows better than the professors do. She would smell like pumpkins and cinnamon.

But books are scarce, and universities are not a privilege afforded District 12, and scented candles and perfumes are as unrealistic as a diamond crown, so she sits on a couch older than Clerk Carmine, scrawny arms and legs, gnarled from years of work braiding tight locks of hair. She smells like soap from the laundry she did that morning.

And you explain to her that you think you might not be home as often now, that you could take up more work- when Maude Ivory runs in, nut dust beneath her nails. “You’ll never guess who’s here!”

“Billy Taupe,” you said irritably, “he really can’t take no-“

“Not him!” She pointed eagerly out the half-open door, and you exchanged a wary glance with Barb Azure before trudging out.

Instinctively, you step before the two girls as if to shield them, “how did you find us? Use your little Peacebreaker intel to stalk her all the way here?”

“We didn’t know the house. We heard this one singing and found it.” Says the blonde-buzzcut, and hefts a clear bag of melting ice to gesture to Maude Ivory, “I was hoping to spend time with Lucy Gray, I’ve… missed her.”

“And you just so happen to be in the area?” You hadn’t noticed you were doing it, but you were: stretching out an arm to guard, to create a barrier, “It was me: at the Hob, I asked around for where we could find Lucy Gray, and a nice man told me about the Seam.” This one, you didn’t recognize from Lucy Gray’s televised interview, nor did you find her staring at him during her comeback performance. Tall, well-fed, strong jaw- but something in the dark beneath his eyes, in the sadness (what would he have to be sad about?) made a home in his soulful brown eyes, in his awkward, uncomfortable-in-his-skin posture, his shoulders and backed curved as if he wished to be smaller.

“Right. And what are your intentions with my friend?”

At once, the blonde straightened- chin up, shoulders squared. Years of manners drilled into him. “My intentions are as pure as my name: I’m Coriolanus- Maude Ivory says Lucy Gray told you of me?”

An impatient sound from the base of your throat, your fingers itching to pick at your skin, “your intentions are?”

“To do what I’ve been doing since I’ve met her: take care of her. I did it when I stole her food from the Academy, risking my own expulsion. I did it when I helped her cheat, providing her with the idea to use rat poison so she could win. Survived, all because of me. I did it when I lost a full-ride to the University, forced away from my family and my home, just so I could ensure the snakes wouldn’t bite her as they did the others.” He said it with such pride, such confidence. His brown-eyes friend gazed at him with newfound admiration- had he not known of these feats?

“You seem quite satisfied with yourself. Been hoping for some credit, have you? Must’ve chewed you up inside to do so much but not again a morsel of praise for it. Must be nice to finally be able to get some acknowledgment for the sacrifices you’ve made out of the goodness of your sweet, blessed heart.”

He was undeterred, persistent as a blizzard. “I did it because we understand each other. She wore her mother's dress to keep herself together, I used my mother's powder to calm myself. Our fathers, both lost to the rebellion. I can honestly say no woman, Capitol or district, has incited as much affection as me- except my cousin, Tigris. You saw the interview, no? She’s the one who retouched her dress. My family and I have been rooting for Lucy Gray from the start.”

“Didn’t ask,” you muttered, as he once again sought accolades.

When Maude Ivory led him away, to Lucy Gray’s meadow, of all places! (What right does he have?), the tall companion turned to follow before pausing. “Coryo’s genuinely a good person, you know. Not just to Lucy Gray, because I know that’s often easy for even the worst of people to display extra affection to someone they find attractive or consider a romantic prospect. But you should’ve seen him when he raced to Arachne’s aid, should’ve seen him rescue me again and again. Should’ve seen how he always-“

“Look, buddy, I get you’re trying to be a wingman, and you’re doing a fine job, but none of that means a thing. You two- you’re friends?”

“We’ve known each other since elementary, and we’ve become- I hope I can say it, anyway- best friends as of late.”

“Then how can your assessment have any weight? It’s easy to be kind to someone who’s kind to you, as I presume you are to him. You can see someone’s true nature when a bird snatches up their only meal for the day, when waiting in line for hours in the heat, when a child breaks an object important to them. You’re his friend: of course you’d voice for him.”

“I’m… sorry. Your hostility towards Peacekeepers is understandable.” His eyes were so guilty you’d think he’d killed a kitten, and the slightest twinge of guilt plucked at you before you dismissed it, dismissed him, to help Maude Ivory shell the nuts when she’d come back, and you sit back next to Barb Azure. “Thoughts?”

“It’s sweet he brought her ice. And the Peacebreaker base is a little far from here so it’s nice they walked all this time. But I guess we can’t know if he’s the cake with the cream till we watch him interact with Lucy Gray.”

“Hm.” Your hum is displeased as you watch Maude Ivory, her tiny hand guiding Sejanus’s finger around her rock in proper form, so that his thumb wouldn’t hurt when he cracked the rocks down on the nuts. Your index finger wanders to pick at the swollen bump on your cheek.

(They say, acne is caused by stress. They say, most skin conditions are the lack of hygiene and hydration and good nutrition. Of not washing your pillowcase regularly, of, say, the coal and grime that works its way into your pores).

“You know, about the extra hours I’m picking up. A lot of people like going to the Hob.”

“Yes,” she said slowly, working her bony fingers (and someone her age shouldn’t have bony fingers) through another strand to braid.

“A lot of these people are parents.”

“Oh. Oh.” Her teeth sink into the flesh of her lips. “But, you can’t just- I mean, we need you!”

“Anyone can play the tambourine,” you dismissed, keeping Sejanus in the periphery of your vision in case he- well, you don’t what, but just in case.

“It’s not the skill, it’s- get it through your head, your skull’s as thick as lard. I didn’t say we need someone to play the tambourine, I said we need you. You’re-”

“Someone’s outside,” Maude Ivory sang,

“It’s got to be Billy Taupe this time. I’ve got it. Keep an eye on Sejanus,” you added in an undertone to her, “just in case he…” but Barb Azure nodded firmly, and you knew she understood. Your gut instinct, fear-hatred, towards Peacebreakers wasn’t paranoia, it was learned. Adapted.

Outside, the sun in the clear sky beat down on the back of your neck, instantly breaking into a sweat (though you already had a sheen of sweat when inside, anyway). You wear wearing your favorite pair of sandals- sturdy layers of tanned goat skin patched together, two leather straps giving it what you thought was a fashionable design [2]- the withered grass poking your toes, and you shut the door behind you.

A moment for Billy Taupe. Billy Taupe wasn't bad to look at, and some would even say handsome, in a rugged kind of way.

The kind of man that looks like the sort to say he wants a “big, cold mug of ale” or “it’s none of your business” or “so you’re all siding with her now?”

A mop of oil-black hair fringed over his forehead, a beaten-up blue cap fixed over his head. A hat you’d often see him fix on Clerk Carmine and Lucy Gray and, on occasion, yourself and the rest of the Covey. You didn’t see it yourself, but Lucy Gray said his eyes were obsidian, drawing you in, she said his voice could be so sweet, and his smile, too. But for the past few months, his face had been permanently set in a frown akin to someone who’d eaten a nut that had, in fact, turned out to be rotted after all.

(If he had access to a university, you didn’t think he’d be much different: tutoring a girl and turning into something more behind his girlfriend’s back, kicked out of a band while studying music and staying out too late. He would smell as he does now, faint scent of cheap white liquor).

“Why?” You said softly, “I’ve been wracking my brain and I just can’t figure it out. A family that loves you. A girl to warm the bed with each night. Performing on stage, at weddings. Why would you leave her, or us? Was Mayfair really so appealing, and if so, why couldn’t you just communicate that instead of juggling them both at once? And- and lying is wrong but forgivable, cheating is awful but forgivable, but why- how could you stay with her after she sent Lucy Gray to the slaughter? How- even if you’re in love with her, or you’re angry or whatever- why didn’t you cut ties with Mayfair the moment you saw her kill Lucy Gray?”

“Lucy Gray didn’t die-“

“You didn’t know that! The whole time she was gone, you didn’t know if she’d survive- isn’t that enough cause to leave Mayfair? How can you say you love Lucy Gray or Clerk Carmine or any of us when your loyalty is so easily bought?”

“You wouldn't get it,” Billy Taupe spat, “you don’t even believe in true love. You’ve never been in a relationship, never had a partner. You can’t understand-“

“I smell love when we try to make butter for Maude Ivory. I hear love when Tam Amber sings me to sleep. I taste love when your brother laid out food for Lucy Gray every day she was in the Capitol. Don't mistake my lack of experience in shoving a tongue down someone else’s throat for a lack of love.”

His glare was a nasty, childish thing. Obsidian eyes, indeed. “I only came for my things.”

“You hear that, girls?” You called into the house, yanking the door open, “he wants his things!”

Not 20 seconds later, you saw Barb Azure’s scrawny army toss out a weathered brown bag that likely weighed as much as she did. It clunked and rolled on the grass before stopping a few feet from Billy Taupe. And Maude Ivory, because she was Maude Ivory, tossed out open-air, free-flying missiles- a tallow candle (made of sheep fat [1]), his favorite pillow, a boot of his too ragged for Clerk Carmine sailing over his head.

“Something the matter?” Sejanus stepped out of the house, “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard some arguing, and both girls inside seem upset. Is everything okay?”

Is everything okay?

“Fine.” You snapped, “this isn’t your problem. Billy Taupe was just leaving. Weren’t you?”

“Oh, now you’re consorting with Peacebreakers? You, who hate them more than anyone?”

“I’m not here to hurt anyone.” Sejanus approached Billy Taupe cautiously, “I’m sorry if-“

“Your hand.“ Billy Taupe said, “Mayfair said some lunatic smashed a bottle over her mouth. Got a tooth loose and everything.”

You bit back a smile, tamping down your satisfaction. “No, she was running from the brawl last night, slipped, and cut her palm open on a broken bottle. Saw it myself.”

Covering for you. Why was this man you’ve never spoken to, never interacted with, covering for you? You doubted he knew even your name.

“Hey,” Sejanus said calmly, toeing to Billy Taupe like one would a rabid dog, a startled horse, “hi. My name is Sejanus. I think I saw you at the Hob yesterday, right?”

Referring to last night's public humiliation was not the right move, but whether he was incapable of minding his own business or had a savior complex, you didn’t know. Couldn’t talk. You stepped back inside, left them to talk because- How could you focus? If Mayfair had told Billy Taupe, you could bet she’d told her father. And her father would tell the Peacebreakers. And the Peacebreakers would take one look at the rags wrapped round your palm and, idiots that they are, put two and two together.

But, no. The Peacebreakers like the Covey. Surely they wouldn’t… but of course they would. It’s their job, whether they’re happy about it or not. If the mayor told them to, they’d do it.

You couldn’t even blame it on the heat of the moment. Couldn’t say it was a rush of passion, couldn’t say you weren’t thinking straight. Who were you kidding? You’d been wanting to hurt them both since Billy Taupe had first started staying too late for those piano lessons, and this desire to inflict pain had developed into elaborate schemes of torture when Lucy Gray was reaped. Even if you hadn’t cut up Mayfair’s face that night, you would’ve done something else, some other time.

Your regret was that you had not been more discrete- not that you’d done it.

It wasn’t until Maude Ivory poked you in the cheek for the third time that you snapped out of it.

“Lucy Gray and her friend are back, they’re kicking Billy Taupe out,” she informed importantly, “are you okay?”

( Is everything okay? Sejanus had asked).

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry I worried you.” You pick her up, sit her on your lap. “Maude Ivory, fair princess, as wise as you are fair, I beseech thee: how do you judge the two gentlemen our fine friend has brought?”

She giggled, bubbly and clear and bright. She deserved to never be anything but. “Sejanus is very very nice. He’s the nicest person ever.”

You placed a dramatic hand on your chest, “surely not! What of Tam Amber?”

“Well, all of us are nice. But he’s an extra kind of nice.” She bounced a little lap on your lap, though she was plenty old enough to neither sit in laps nor bounce. She was eight and a half, old enough to work, really, but you never wanted her to feel like she wasn’t a child- not when the concept of childhood was to be greedily hoarded and guarded, a mother bird flaying out her wings over squeaking chicks. “Oh? And what of Corny?”

“No, silly, Coryo! Coriolanus!”

“Corgi?”

“No. I’ll teach you,” she said firmly, “core.”

“Core.”

“Yo.”

“Yo.”

“Lay.”

“Lay.”

“Nus.”

“Nus.”

“Good job.” She clapped, “now put it all together, dummy. Coriolanus.”

“Coronavirus.”

“Noooo,” she groaned, a grin on her face nonetheless, and that was enough. How quickly the crimson anger that had flooded you was replaced with lavender peace.

Barb Azure pushed the door open, Sejanus following in tow.

“I was just giving him directions, that’s all.” Sejanus was saying, as naturally as he’d assured Billy Taupe he’d seen you slip and fall.

Maude Ivory hopped off your lap. “You were consorting with the enemy.”

“I was just-“

“No more shelling nuts for you, that’s an easy job. We’re milking Shamus.” Maude Ivory declared, and you were on your feet at once. As if you’d leave her unattended with him or with anyone: Barb Azure had kept an eye on them while you’d talked to Billy Taupe, so now it was your turn. As the three of you headed out, you heard Lucy Gray’s voice.

Half of you hoped she’d tear him to pieces, the other half worried about how such a tender wound was to heal when he comes back to open it again and again.

The way you walked- Maude Ivory in the middle, holding your hand with her right and Sejanus’s hand with her left- caused such revulsion beneath your skin you wanted to rip your hand away. The image it painted, the feeling and look of a man and a woman and a little girl holding their hands caused an immediate desire to vomit: no family really looks this idyllic, and more importantly, for this stranger to so quickly encroach on your home was beyond unwelcome.

“You mustn’t talk to Billy Taupe,” Maude Ivory stated, and Sejanus listened intently. Not indulgently, the way most people do when talking to kids, but actually listening. Not amused, but taking her seriously. “He hurt Lucy Gray and Clerk Carmine and all of us. He’s nice sometimes but also not very honest.”

“Sometimes, if you need to protect someone, it’s okay not to be honest.” Was it your paranoia, or did his eyes flash to you for a moment? Since he’d lied for your sake?

“Barb Azure says I shouldn’t listen to adults who try to teach me bad things, like lying.”

“Then why don’t you teach me? I haven’t a clue how to milk a goat.”

When you reached the goat, you sighed. “The bucket. Such a rush to get out of there I forgot-“

“I’m on it!” She dashed off, and you called after her,

“Be careful!”

“You take good care of her,” noted Sejanus, sitting on the grass. If the reason you didn’t sit too, if the reason you stayed standing, was because you wanted to be ready to run, he didn’t need to know. “Really. And… I’m sorry for talking to Billy Taupe. I can tell he’s really hurt you all. It’s not my place to pry, but…”

“What were you really talking about? And don’t say giving directions, you’ve already proven you’re a good liar.”

“I just-“

“You know, he once got an awful, sweaty fever. Consequence of days of heatstroke. Clerk Carmine thought he’d die. So Lucy Gray, she uses her charm, finds this nice Peacebreaker, pours out her honeyed words and gets him to not only give her ice, but an ice compress straight from the nurse’s clinic. And rather than being grateful for her flirting with a man twice her age to save his life, he got so furious- you wouldn’t believe it, being angry is one thing, but yelling while knowing the kids are listening?- calling her words Maude Ivory shouldn’t even know the meaning of, then stormed out and ignored her for a week. That’s the kind of man you’re choosing to mix with.”

Sejanus grabbed fistfuls of bright green grass, plucking out long blades and attempting, albeit pathetically, to braid them together. It was quick to stain his fingertips, his grey trousers, his face pensive. Considering.

(Taking time to respond, rather than listening just to argue).

(Debating how much he can tell a perfect stranger).

“It’s… not about him, specifically.” He admitted finally.

“You’re being cautious; you don’t need to. You’re talking about the rebel stuff. What, you don't think he would've brought it up in the years we've known him?” His shoulders coiled, jaw set, neck rigid and tense. If you wondered about the muscles and tendons in his neck and watched how they pulsed, he didn’t need to know. “You protected me with a lie? Let me protect you with the truth: Billy Taupe will get you killed, like he almost did with Lucy Gray. Listen,” you said hurriedly, “helping with Arlo is great. You want to be a rebel, that’s wonderful. You want to be a spy? By all means.”

He stood up so fast, you were certain he’d get a head rush. All up in your face, like a little kid who was assured his hyperfixation on trains was okay, actually. “You mean it?”

“Sure. All Peacebreakers are awful anyway, you might as well use it to be a half-decent person.”

“You’re not just saying that,” he said slowly, “you really mean it?“

“Honey, listen. Feeding the hungry is good. Feeding the hungry with rotted apples is not. If you want to make a difference, please, don’t do it with Billy Taupe. You’ll get hurt- it’s the consequence of quick, thoughtless action. Disregard for consequences.”

“Then what do I do?”

“If I knew the answer, the Games wouldn’t exist.”

When Maude Ivory came back, you asked her why she took so long, and she said Lucy Gray and Coriolanus had finished the confrontation with Billy Taupe as well as their meetup in the meadow.

She taught Sejanus and he listened, and you observed, scrutinizing Sejanus or any microexpression or inflection in his voice that would be a tell in his personality, his intentions, his thoughts.

Unlike Coriolanus, no underlying jealous-arrogance-possession seemed, but more likely than not, he was better at hiding it is all.

There was no such thing as a good Peacebreaker. Watching him listen to Maude Ivory’s every order, watching him stroke Shamus’s white fur, scritching just behind her pointed ears, did nothing to change this opinion. You’d seen a Peacebreaker propose to another in the Hob, you’d seen one give Tam Amber a full bowl of potatoes just because “you looked hungry, man”, you’d seen another whisper to Lucy Gray that one of his buddies was eyeing her up and down and to please be careful on her way home.

But that didn’t make them good, because of their guns, and how they used them. Because every one of them had either arrested someone innocent or watched someone innocent be arrested and did nothing. Each of them had killed someone, or stood by and let it happen, serving as backup to the murderer. So it didn’t matter what their everyday acts of kindness were- if someone is polite to the waiter, but goes home to beat his wife, does that politeness mean he’s really a good person?

And so no matter how Lucy Gray loved Coriolanus or how Maude Ivory latched to Sejanus, you loathed them both. But it was a general hatred- an I hate you because of what you are - rather than the specific hatred you’d recently developed for Billy Taupe- an I hate you because of what you’ve done - or Mayfair- I hate you because of who you are as a person.

When you came back to the house, Barb Azure serving the freshly-retrieved milk and all of you sitting down at the table, a family with two intruders, you’d intended to take Coriolanus aside and lecture him. Give him a very long and stern essay on what you thought of him and all the things he’d better not do. In the end, while everyone was putting the dishes away, all you could do was snatch his arm and hiss in his ear:

“You break her heart, her bones, or so much as a nail, and you’ll spend the rest of your nights sleeping with one eye open.” And you release his arm and give him a cordial smile.

When they leave, Lucy Gray sighs, plopping down on the green, paisley couch. “Let the vultures feast.”

“Me first.” Said Tam Amber.

A moment for Tam Amber. With his long legs and equally spindly arms, he was reminiscent of a scarecrow. His skin, a soft brown, was a few shades lighter than Barb Azure’s, but while Barb Azure liked to neatly keep her hair in dreadlocks or cornrows, Tam Amber kept his hair always loose, long, and flowing.

(More than once, people had commented how it was unprofessional, dirty, even animal-like).

(Peacebreakers tend to shave their heads to a buzz. It’s no wonder he chooses to grow his out).

If he had access to a university, you could see him keeping quiet, often absent, then showing up on the last day of class and scoring the highest score, likely on some complex maths and sciences. But he didn’t, and thus was the best cook in the house- smelling always like clean green herbs. His voice is calm, observant (it always is):

“Did you notice, when he was at rest, his hand would sometimes drift to his belt? Where his gun would be? Now, that’s as common as a scorpion scurrying, but his friend didn’t do the same.”

“Because they’re new recruits,” you dismissed, digging your nail into a small and unwelcome blemish practically embedded in your chin, “give Sejanus a little more time, and he’ll default to grabbing a rifle too.”

“He seemed kind of awkward. Has he never dated anyone before? Or at least, not seriously, since you basically took him home to meet the family?” Clerk Carmine wondered, sipping at his chilled milk. Clerk Carmine, with the same shaggy oil-black hair as his brother, the same eyes- but you didn’t see obsidian, only rich black earth.

“I don’t think he’s been with anyone.” Lucy Gray stated, trailing the pad of her finger over the rim of her glass so it made the faintest whistling sounds. “At least, from the way he talked, and how jealous he was when I sang about Billy Taupe, I’d say he’s inexperienced. Which is… nice.” She didn’t need to say that it was also the opposite of Billy Taupe in that regard.

“Me next,” said Barb Azure, absently stroking Maude Ivory’s halo of wispy hair. “I was watching when Coriolanus stepped in front of you to protect you from him. He looked like he was ready to beat him for you, which- I’m glad you have someone to protect you. You’re so often the one protecting us.”

You wanted to say, he was obviously doing it because he’s possessive. You wanted to say, if a man is so quick to resort to violence, that’s not the credit to his character you think it is. You wanted to say, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation, I thought we’d established all Peacebreakers are bad? All you said was- all that mattered was: “how does he make you feel?”

“Does he make you feel like the cake with the cream? Are you the mockingbird to his jabberjay?” Maude Ivory asked eagerly.

“He makes me feel… Hm. Baby, when we first met I was just glad someone had bothered to come see me. No one else’s mentor did- I know he only did it to look good, but… Then I was glad he came to visit me and feed me like it was a picnic, unlike Brandy. Her mentor taunted her with a sandwich through the bars and…” her throat pulsed, her eyes flitted down, and you all tripped over each other to help.

“So, Sejanus, he’s tall,” you said hurriedly.

“And Coriolanus is shorter,” [3] Barb Azure added, “I bet he’s not very happy about that.”

“Personally I wonder what their families are like. Do you know, Lucy Gray?” Clerk Carmine took a prolonged sip of his milk.

“Thanks. All of you, thank you.” Lucy Gray’s sniffle was a subdued thing, as if she didn’t want anyone to hear. Of course, she didn’t. Not with her sparkly stage persona- but it was on each of you to remind her she existed outside of that. “I guess I have to accept that a consequence of living is the memories. And the more stressful or more intense a memory is, the more firmly it’ll be imprinted, just like how a heavier object leaves a stronger imprint on the couch. Oh, I had thought it sad when the old lose their memories. Oh, how I wish…” she inhaled a shaky, water breath, blinking rapidly, and rose from the table abruptly, chair scraping against the ground. “I’ve started drafting a new song. I’d like to fine-tune it a little.”

What are you to do but let her walk away?

~~~

Notes:

[1] “The first dipped candles were made by the Romans from rendered animal fat called tallow. Since tallow is cheap and easily available, tallow candles were the most widely used types of candles for centuries.” - Smith College Museum

[2] “Even many layers of leather stitched to the sole of the shoe might not last that long. Shoe repairs and the reuse of leather was common, especially on the thin soles. This is known because of surviving commentary from the London Cordwainers Company which details various disputes between shoemakers and cordwainers” -

[3] the book mentions Sejanus is tall + Coriolanus complains about how he's shorter than he should be due to not having the food and nutrients he needs and such, soooo Sejanus is canonically taller and I'm sure Coryo's v bitter about it :)))

This is your weekly reminder to email and call your representatives to demand they stand with Palestine, and if you can, to donate e-sims and attend protests (see my pinned post.. if you're broke and busy like me and can't do these last two, go to arab.org for click-to-donate- in which it's by ad revenue, if you don't have the resources yourself!)

Please leave your thoughts on this fic in a reply below (comments>>> likes), and check out the full story here

https://archiveofourown.org/works/51862513/chapters/131130484#workskin

[which-hospital]

About Time - Casualty Hiatus Thoughts - Part 1/?

I used to include real life updates in my episode reviews. I think I’m ill and it’s really bad timing for like a bunch of stuff I need to get done over the next two weeks so I’m mainly writing this to try and make myself feel less like a deflated balloon. I guess I miss Casualty now? But also I don’t really want it back because I really don’t trust that I’ll like where it goes next. I have things I really should be doing but instead I'm typing this up and finding a way to look at AO3 on my Switch Lite.

I feel like I’ve been putting off typing this up for two reasons. One, it’s a lot of energy to put my Casualty thoughts into semi-coherent words, especially in between writing stuff for uni, because in my head my Casualty thoughts are mostly just “I’m so nauseous about the pretend paramedics”. Two, my thoughts are almost exclusively about the paramedics, specifically mostly about Teddy, and for some reason I’m worried about coming across obsessive? BREAKING NEWS: Autistic Person Is Obsessive About Special Interest, More At Ten! Like, yeah, I do sound like Teddy is all I think about, because he kind of is all I think about lately. I’ve been feeling more self conscious about it lately, I guess, but I trust that anyone also still hanging around in the Casualty fandom this far into the hiatus can’t be all that different from me and therefore won’t judge me.

Also, there's no connecting theme in this post. The theme is 'things that have been on my mind during the hiatus' and that's quite varied and random so I might seem like I'm jumping between topics a lot.

Having written this post now, I worry parts of it come across very critical of Teddy who is my beloved favourite character. If I like a character, they’re gonna get picked apart and they’re rarely gonna come out of it 100% positive. I love him and I think he’s such a great character who has been a very kind and sweet person throughout his existence in Casualty that’s kind of being forgotten a bit right now. I also think he has done objectively bad things recently but he’s also going through a lot and I’m very sympathetic about that. So if this post comes across negative about him: I love and feel very :( for him, I just also love hating on my faves.

The BBC actually personally attacked me by making Sah and Teddy go through weird-queer-friendship breakup while I was using them to cope with my own weird-queer-friendship breakup. Now, Spotify is continuing the personal attack by playing Night Shift and The Frost whenever I'm on my commute. I cannot start crying over the pretend paramedics on this train, but also you've got a 9-to-5, so I'll take the night shift and I'll never see you again if I can help it and you're not here to see, it's just witness-less me. The overall polyfailure songs are I Bet On Losing Dogs and Cool About It, I do have a playlist but I did not plan to start going on about it in this post. Sah and Teddy are on my mind as they have been since I got back into Casualty (and kinda before then), I don't really ship them in the typical sense except for when it's also with Paige but their canon relationship is so interesting. They act like they're just mates or whatever, and then act about and towards each other in a way that they don't with any other person. My go-to way of describing it is that they're a little weird about each other. I appreciate that, at least until the end of Driving Force, they're still a little weird about each other. Proposing to your girlfriend out of immense jealousy towards your best friend who you basically won't talk to anymore is kinda weird, quitting your job over your best friend doing that is maybe less weird but they're both still making major decisions based on each other. I also really love how certain parts of their series 36 storylines are written as these paired opposites but that's another post. Big thing on my mind is the idea that Teddy can't really pretend he never cared about Sah, he can't forget about them because he got shot for them and (for all that Casualty will absolutely forget it happened) that's gonna leave a scar, he can't ever get away from them and he won't forget their birthday ever again! Like, I can't get a Greggs without thinking of my weird friendship, can he exist without thinking of Sah? I'm! miserable! about! them! They're so incredibly Planet of Love and Wishbone by Richard Siken, except the guy getting shot in those poems is actually also called Theodore.

[The particularly them parts. Let's not talk about it!! Let's just not talk!!!]

On the topic of Teddy getting shot, I said I was gonna rewatch the start of Welcome to the Warzone so I can post episode reviews for all of that miniseries and then I did not do that. I’ve mostly been rewatching random series 36 episodes. I’ve been thinking a lot about With a Bullet, though. It’s the episode that dragged me properly back into Casualty but I always forget how busy it is? There’s so much happening that it kinda annoys me. At the core of the episode you’ve got a lot of great stuff with the paramedics that helps to establish stuff for later on in WTTW and Driving Force but then there’s all this other stuff also happening around it that is just not relevant. I honestly think the episode would be exponentially better if they just let it be a paramedic centric episode in the style of Is The Patient Breathing?. Cut back all the non-paramedic stuff (and anything in that episode about Iain and Faith, we got enough of that stuff in every other episode) and just have a couple of storylines happening around Teddy getting shot. Specifically, just focus on Teddy and Jan (and Gethin) to set up everything that has happened with Gethin, Teddy and Sah to set up everything that has happened with Paige, and Jacob and Iain to properly establish where Jacob is at in the team and like generally. Shove the other stuff into other episodes. Anyway, my point is that With a Bullet is on my mind cause it technically does a good job at setting these things up but is held back by everything else going on.

Switzerland has got me thinking a lot about the Jan-Teddy Wider Family Tree™ on so many levels:

I think it fits into this theme of Teddy not really being taken seriously or being perceived as having maturity by his family. Not being taken seriously is such a consistent thing with Teddy that it's actually very hard to concisely talk about it, there's so many tangents and even like his name is a diminutive. I think it's been something that's built up to this point where he's trying to prove people wrong and make them take him seriously. That's kind of where I think the proposal comes from. But with his family, his anger in Switzerland, to me, is about being kept out of stuff because they don't really think he is mature enough to get it. And I do think Teddy would have come to accept Gethin's decision like Jan did if he had been included. Teddy being seen as immature is dragged back up by Jan when she tells him to grow up after he wants to give Gethin the benefit of the doubt in With a Bullet, and it's interesting to me that it's this like kindness and forgiveness that is perceived as being immature. Honestly, when you get that family together they do kind of struggle to be consistently nice to each other for very long, except for maybe Teddy who has actually been the one trying mediate a lot before. So when he's saying all this pretty horrible stuff in the argument in Switzerland, isn't that kind of maturity by these standards? He's jumping between saying very actually childish things and saying stuff that is comparable to the stuff Gaynor says to Jan. Honestly, ignore this section, I really feel like I can't effectively express what I'm thinking but there was an attempt.

I've got 'Teddy as Son 2.0' on my mind but it makes me nauseous to try and talk about it. Replacement son and replacement mother but in way that is as concerning as it is sweet. I started to think about it in Aftermath but it really came out full force in the final episodes of Driving Force. Specifically, Jan’s “What am I going to tell Ross?… And Teddy?” moment in Switzerland and the differences in how Gethin responds to those questions. Just bringing the two of them up in the same context like that. But looking back, this has been developing for a while. In With a Bullet, you’ve got Jan saying almost exactly what Gaynor said to Teddy in Break Your Heart and then cutting herself off and saying what she had said to him in that episode instead. (Actually, she even said in Break Your Heart that she loves Teddy as if he’s her own and then Gaynor gives us the only direct comparison ever made between Teddy and Ross: “Well he’s not, thank goodness. Look how well your’s turned out…”.) All the way back at the start of series 36, you have Teddy showing up and trying to get Jan and Ffion back together when they had separated over Ross stuff. Their stuff in Is The Patient Breathing? is explicitly about Jan being harsh on Teddy because she doesn’t want to lose him like she lost Lev and Fenisha, but also literally everything they get called to in that episode is to do with drugs in some way. Honestly, a couple years from now, I wouldn’t mind another storyline with Ross if it also involved Teddy. I am interested in what they might do there. Sure, they have like a 10 year age difference but my cousin is 11 years older than me and we still spent time together when I was a kid - the fact that Gethin immediately recognises Teddy when he sees him makes me think there must have been a period of relative okay-ness for the family when Teddy was very young. I think I just want to get all of them in a room and do Jeremy Kyle on them.

I've also been thinking about the Chekhov's Gun moment that is "you know what it was like when my parents were divorcing" from Broken. Maybe Jan does, but we don't. Teddy's parents' seemingly not-amicable divorce feels relevant to him rushing into marrying Paige. Also, I just enjoy the vaguely-still-alive-and-out-there-ness of Teddy's dad. What's he up to? Has he not been at all interested in all the times Teddy has nearly died in the past couple years? I expect that eventually the writers will pull him out for a storyline and I am interested in what they might do there too but I'm honestly too attached to my headcanons in that area now.

I’ve edited this in but I wanted it in here. I was looking at Teddy’s birthday on onthisday.com and Bring It All Back was number 1 in the UK charts that day. I’ve got this ridiculous headcanon that Sah and Teddy both really enjoy S Club so I am very pleased with that.

Let's end controversially, my Casualty hot takes. This one I think is reasonable; I don't like how certain parts of the fandom (...Twitter) act about their favourite characters. There's this sort of outright refusal to acknowledge that your favourite character can ever be in the wrong and it annoys me for two reasons. First, every other character ends up being judged on the basis of how they treat your favourite character which is a very interesting way to watch the show. Second, a lot of the time it leads to that favourite character being oversimplified. Good people can do bad things sometimes. Good characters usually do bad things sometimes. I love Teddy but I can acknowledge that he's been a prick lately while also considering the reasons behind his behaviour. I love Sah but maybe kissing Paige wasn't brilliant of them and maybe that's okay. I think my annoyance about this might be more to do with the fact that I'm not really as interested in a lot of the characters that seem to be fan-favourites over there. This one I think makes me a bad Casualty fan; I would not watch it if it was just about treating patients. Everytime they make an episode about them just being professionals and treating patients (like How To Save A Life), I see people saying they wish Casualty was always like that and... I don't! I love those episodes and I think they're important and really well made and actually fit into the series very well. And I do think those episodes can contribute to the characters as professionals, I often wish the show made it feel like their jobs were more relevant to who they are as people. But if it was always just about that, I would just watch one of those ambulance documentary shows instead. I'm here for the characters, I'm here for the drama, I'm here for Hamlet in a hospital and I feel like every episode being about them actually doing their jobs might get in the way of that. Similarly, I don't get when people complain about the characters doing stuff that "would never happen in a real hospital" because it isn't a real hospital. Suspend your disbelief.

[raeygina-george]

Every third remaining ask from the game

ill just answer the whole thing in one. LONG ASS POST GUYS

💖Favourite thing to draw

WAVY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

💯Favourite piece(s)

you get a sneak peek of the art project im working on yay. the perks of putting up with my bullshit <3

some of these i like more than others but as of rn these are the pieces i show people who haven't seen my art. my makeshift portfolio, i guess

🌈Favourite colour palette(s)

i think this is obvious enough if you look at my previous answer, but pinks, oranges, purples, and blues!

🤴Favourite OC(s) to draw

oooh yikes. to DRAW???? i never draw my ocs... i really like kyrie's design but i've never drawn her outside of that so i feel like she'd be really hard to get right..... idk i mean i guess saturn????????

🎨Favourite artist(s)

i dont have a lot of these, but i like hanacue, aidairo, and milkie2's art styles (these r just what i could think of off the top of my head)

✒Favourite medium 

i like gouache cause im a whore bitch

📏Medium you’d like to work with more

gouache because im not typically a traditional artist and every time i sit down to paint i just end up suffering for like an hour before i finally accept the fact that i cannot save this little kitty from its fate of looking like a vaguely animal-shaped blob. such interactions further repel me from the world of traditional art. im taking a painting class soon though so i'll just get my act together then

💭Go-to subject matter

humans?? usually just like. smiling. not doing anything too interesting

💜Drawing staples

i don't know exactly what this means but if it's an art piece of mine, it's got pink in it

💬What you’d like to draw more of

i'd like to draw more like backgrounds and animals? there's a shit ton of stuff i wanna improve with my humans but idk i've been wanting to branch out a bit more for a while i just haven't had the time or energy to draw more than like 1 of my blorbos a month

😂 Funniest drawing

i play tee k o with my family (you) so i draw stuff for that that's silly. WAIT HANG ON

this isn't my funniest drawing but it's what i have

❓Weirdest drawing/drawing with a weird process

im doing an art telephone w my friends that i might post when we're done? i can't post it now cause that would ruin the fun but yeah

🕑Drawing(s) that took the longest

uhhhh i mean earlier in my drawing journey i took forever to draw and i really hated drawing bc i took a super long time to draw and i didn't like anything i made and no one else liked anything i made so it was just like wow i spent all that time for nothing. still glad i did it though bc that era was still an important step in my art development. anyways as for more recent pieces uhh. my piece for the yorknew auction took a while, mostly because i had 0 time or energy and it was a really involved piece

👑Favourite fictional character(s) to draw

as you will see, i really like drawing lust from fmab

👿Least favourite fictional character(s) to draw

i've found out that unfortunately drawing olivier is not very fun for me. so sad cause i really like her

👔Design process for [x] character 

oh my god guys ask me about my magical girl designs and i will go insane i will type up a whole essay. i'll talk about kyrie cause i like her a lot

here's the design! so she drowned (or rather, was drowned by someone else) at 16 after being stalked for a couple months and eventually kidnapped. not exactly the lightest story, but bc it was so traumatic her brain erased the memories, and she doesn't find out the real cause of death until much later in the story, when kye comes across a guy who lived in kyrie's town and gets the full story.

her outfit is themed after ophelia for. obvious reasons. i looked up paintings/common interpretations of ophelia and found that she was commonly depicted in a white and gold dress with reddish-brown hair half up. oh, and flowers. so i ran with that. the white streaks in her hair were actually not part of the initial plan, but when i was using the bucket tool it left blank streaks and i just thought it looked nice.

for the flowers i chose forget-me-nots because she loses her memory, and then the hands on the skirt represent her fight to stay alive (both while drowning and before) and how she reached out for help in the months leading up to her death but no one answered. she's also, in a way, reaching for her lost memories, who she used to be, etc etc. the blue thingy in the back was initially supposed to be a mermaid tail as like. a single callback to the little mermaid (and the fact that she was a really good swimmer, so it's ironic that she drowned), but i took the mermaid aspect out & added in the two eyes.

the eyes are like. the feeling of being watched. the eye at the front will always look at kyrie no matter what, and the eye in the back will look at anyone else it can find, as if pleading for help. i just noticed the bracelet? not sure why that's there. probably just for fun. anyways the ring with the star on it is from a play called 'the princess who had no name', which is about a princess with amnesia who's trying to find out who she is and where she came from.

and finally, the weapon! it's meant to be a sparkler, like the little fireworks yk? it's a callback to the very first draft of her character from like 2 years ago, back when the kyries shared the name lylie instead & i had written absolutely nothing about her character. but i was reading through the old plot/character info a while ago and i found out she apparently really liked fireworks??? that was like my only piece of info about her. i figured since she'd changed so much it was only fair i put a little something from her roots. but the sparkler can also represent how 'bright' she appears to be; people are drawn towards her, for better or worse.

📆Earliest fandom you did fanart for/first fanart

the first fandom i remember like really being hyperfixated on was.... miraculous ladybug................. BUT i didn't make any fanart for it, so instead you get the very first real piece of art i ever made on my computer :)

shoutout to me for drawing those wings by hand. i didn't know how to use the flip tool so i just spent like 4 hours trying to make them symmetrical. and now i can't even remember how to draw butterfly wings. smh

HOLY SHIT WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED. BACK WHEN YOU FIRST SHOWED ME FAIRY TAIL I DREW HAPPY A COUPLE TIMES. I DONT HAVE ANY PICS BUT THAT'S DEFINITELY EARLIER THAN THIS. oh my god and don't even get me started on my warriors phase. wow i guess i've been making fanart since forever lol

📖Sketches 

this post is already too long. no

📝Process for [x] drawing 

my general art process is idea > rough sketch > real sketch > lineart (if applicable) > coloring > rendering > SHADE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT THING > send it to my friends and say 'anything else i should add 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺' > add a little more shading > done. you can ask me for more detailed instructions, i'd be happy to give a more in-depth tutorial about something specific

✨Inspiration for [x] drawing 

uh idk i do a lot of redraws. lately i've been doing redraws + asking friends for cool poses + looking at stock images for inspiration

💚Things you like about [x] drawing

i'll go with that aubrey piece from one of the earliest questions. i like how the emotions came across in both her expression and the coloring, and how much more fluid the pose is. i think the shading & rendering is neat. overall it's a big improvement from the piece i was redrawing so im really proud of that & it's nice to see how far i've come in a relatively short amount of time

⏳Things you’d do differently with [x] drawing

using the same drawing, uhh... idk there's some stuff with the proportions that like. sometimes looks fine to me and sometimes looks off? i really just eyeball anatomy and stuff so it's not always particularly Good. i like the colors i have here but they're not the colors i was intending to use. i didn't really know how to draw the jacket and everything i did with the top just looked strange so they're not As Detailed or 'good' as they probably could be? there's parts where i got lazy and all that but all in all i really like this drawing and nothing big really jumps out at me, these are all just nitpicks

💌Some favourite feedback on art

hmmmmmmm i really like the few like. paragraph responses i've gotten. i appreciate every single comment i get but like when people rave to you about your art???? that's so nice. i can't really pick out a critique i've heard that super super helped me off of the top of my head, but there's power in knowing what you can do better next time

[theskyexists]

Another episode of longsuffering older sibling having to deal with annoying younger siblings messing up all their shit. These writers must be completely traumatised by the experience of having younger siblings. But at least these ones aren't like Polly and actually express some remorse for destroying shit. Apparently making sure that your younger siblings don't steal your extremely dangerous magic book to do some sort of plastic surgery on themselves is your responsibility as an older sister. That makes sense . But it's NOT your responsibility to entertain them to keep them from idiotic behaviour. Imo. But I guess that just goes to show I'm a younger sibling.

The funny thing is that I would be Marcy in this scenario but somehow she's my least favourite. She's alright. But she's not getting treated right by the narrative

So first temple is brain. And wisdom (Marcy)

Second temple is heart. I.e. selflessness (Anne)

Disobedient, foolish, impulsive

See? ANNE gets a whole temple episode dedicated to JUST her positive and negative qualities

Selfishness

Pronounced sense of justice

Incredible athletic ability

Lying, thieving

Learning from mistakes

Sacrificing for friends, strangers AND enemies

Empathy AND responsibility

Intelligence AND wisdom

I wonder what Sasha's will be

Ahh. Impulsive Anne retained some of her power by not fully charging the stone.

Huh...Sasha gives jester toad an out... uncharacteristic....ah she goes back on her word

Sashas positive quality is sheer willpower.

Her vices are always prioritising what she wants and her plans over other people's wellbeing

Willpower AND consideration...

Lift to enter brah LOL. I guess Sasha just proved that she could do that on sheer power of will. Now I need an amv to that classic for amphibia

How are they gonna charge the damn stone without Sasha. Really sad Sasha isn't gonna get her trials...

It's funny....I got it wrong apparently? Sashas first attribute is strength? Nah no way. The temple is just built to goad somebody like her

SASHA!!!!! SHES SO COOL!!! She went to look for Marcy and Anne ofc when she heard they were hanging out without her. Lol. While Marcy doesn't ever give a fuck about that and Anne is upset about the breakup

They're lying and leaving out the rebellion

Ok so apparently they switched tacks from season 1 and Sasha is now the strong one

So strength and teamwork?

Man... What the fuck. Sasha was NOT the physically strong one in season 1. They messed up the themes...

SASHA WAS WEARING SUPER HEAVY ARMOUR ALL ALONG AHHAHAHAHAHA

Strength and resistance... Ok...

'ill get this friendship back under control' what does that MEAN sasha. She probably doesn't really know that herself

The way they handle this reconciliation is crazy lol. The conclusion is that Sasha needs to recognise that Anne's changed? I don't know if that follows from this episode dude. I mean...Sasha is concerned about being left out and being unimportant to Anne. Anne is concerned about her killing people she loves and her being controlling and bossy

Ok actually this battle of the bands episode is much more clear about the dynamic. Sasha always wanting it her way. Anne not wanting that anymore.

Too bad they never realised that King Andreas is evil.

Honestly like Sasha a lot and what she did wasn't particularly bad but also understand Anne's fury

'redesign the political system so this sort of uprising never happens again'? She only realises that now. I wonder whether Marcy is thinking of Democracy.

At least Sasha and Grime know he's evil now. Too bad they're breaking him out now

Hmmm Anne did Sasha's move from season 1. It has no significance

'we were so focused on each other we couldn't see what was right in front of us'

Actually, you should have listened to Sasha. That was the real lesson. Or 'on ourselves' is the right term

ANNE GOES BACK HOME WITH HER PLANTER FAMILY??? WHAT??????

And Marcy died. And Sasha is still in Amphibia. Probably gonna lead a resistance. Oh my god.

Anne was willing to let Sasha stay in Amphibia forever tbh. Damn.

THEY ACTUALLY 'KILLED' MARCY. INCREDIBLE

YESSSS MARCYS GONNA BE AN ANGSTY VAT EXPERIMENT

[tearsandwishes]

weekend vent dumps #1

this is my first post so I guess ill give some details about myself. I used to have Tumblr a while back but I encountered some INTERESTING things with some people, so I got a new one. With this account I guess I'll vent about random stuff to make myself feel better. I will post some stuff about deep or so topics and if it doesn't interest you, I guess leave. If it does, I guess listen to the tea.

Some things about me is well, 1 I'm black and female (like that matters). 2, I like to write (if I feel adventurous I'll write a short story or 2). 3, I like anime (no I won't answer your 1million questions). 4, I'm bisexual. 5, I believe I am a very nice person, an introvert who has a very large opinion about certain topics. (I low-key think I should be a politician)

That doesn't matter. Lets vent. (get comfortable, this is long)

This week had been very stressful. Monday started off okay, but my first class was biology. Bio is my weak class for various reasons. 1, my teacher is an asshole and thinks that I don't know how to study (mind you I'm a Junior in hs). 2, I'm mostly on discord dming my friends half of the time. So this is a me and her problem type of thing. Other than bio being horrible, my life at home has been going through shreds. I have a step mother and she's an asshole. She believes she can get away with a few things because she's been in my life since I was 3. Which is stupid.

Recently, I have been doing community hours for my school. I have been cleaning the theatre (but this is different kind of cleaning, I have to take done stud walls and carry lumber in and out of workshops), since I'm very passionate about theatre, I knew I wouldn't be complaining about doing such a thing. Except for the fact that my stepmother comes home complaining that I'm lazy for not doing opportunities for community hours, outside of school (I hope that makes sense). She says I should "help out the church" or "help clean out the block", like I'm tryna help out and leave yo house. It's unfortunate that my dad sees the way she talks to me and literally does nothing. Yet he is the one that questions why I hang out with my actual mother more than stay at his house more. And if you're wondering, yes, I still talk to my bio-mom even though she abandoned me at a young age.

Enough with the sad stuff, the positive thing is that Christmas break is coming up. I love Christmas, it's so romantic and fun with family and friends. But, today is December 3rd and nobody gave me a sweater. I swear next year I will be in a relationship (p.s. I say this every year).

I have said a lot in this first post so I know it's overwhelming. If you have any similar experiences, my chat is always open, I'm willing to talk to random people.

Other than that, my goals this week is to turn the D in bio to at least a B. And have my step mother get off my ass.

I hope this gets to the right audience, remember to drink water and stay positive!

"A wise woman wishes to be no one's enemy; a wise woman refuses to be anyone's victim."

-Maya Angelou

[pwblogarchive]

January 2005

January 2, 2005

the dog update. so alot of people seemed concerned about marley and that made me feel better. he puked every five minutes for a day or so and then went to the emergency vet. there they injected him with saline solution that made his back feel all bumpy when you petted him. now he's doing better. thank god i don't have to punch anyone cause i'm pretty little and don't like to get punched back. marley is doing pretty good now too. he's not bumpy anymore so he's back to his handsome self. all the chick dogs think he's super hot, trust me. my other dog pandora tries to hump him all the time. it's pretty gross you know. but you can't fault them for being in love. like that one disney movie lady and the tramp.

i got a new years wish about you.

- petey

January 6, 2005

chicago to los angeles survival guide: uncrustables, XOskeletons, capri suns, seinfeld seasons 1 and 2, the weakerthans, etc.

how about how the transformers was supposed to take place in 2005.

now it's here. where are all the fucking autobots.

love peter

- petey

January 7, 2005

“you are the tiny in my heart”

i haven't "blogged" anything in here in quite some time. i guess first off i must adress that i had loads of fun on our last five day stint with the midtowners, acadameisters and the gym class-o-sauruses. seeing all the people there at the shows caring about us and being totally rad and cool and awesome makes me smile from the left to right. no half smiles here. it was an awesome time for sure. anyways, im home now. it snowed tons the past few days here. i had to shovel at least a foot of snow off my car yesterday just so i could get groceries. i framed a star wars poster for my room the other day. im really happy with how it turned out. nothing else really going on. just been spending time with some friends and seeing my family. ive seen my dog a little. he's big. quite large in fact. im sorry this is a short and crappy entry but i have to go to the bathroom so bad. ill make a better one later. i promise.

January 9, 2005

“wake the dead”

i promised a more well written journal entry, and one shall be written, right now. first off, ive been home since decemeber 29th and i must say i'm lovin' it, much like the people who gorge themselves with the royal with cheese while shooting hoops. but in all seriousness, ive been hanging with my friends, seeing my family, watching my dog pee on the carpet, and it's all good. so i ate a lot today. sue me. that's right, i said sue me. just like you used to in 5th grade. and you know what? i'm still freakin hungry. i'm sitting here at my apartment, it's quarter after 5 am, theres a scary looking corpse-like women on tv telling me how to discover free money, and i have to be up in less than 6 hours for a fun filled trip with some of my friends to the field museum, or as it should be called, the natural history museum. i'm going to touch dino bones. i cleaned out my car a few days ago to find nothing of interest except i guess i spilled some coke everywhere and forgot to clean it up and my car was very syrupy. ew. funny thing happened today, i was leaving to go to my friend's place to play some card games and enjoy spicey chinese food that made my tounge cry, when this awesome homeless couple was hanging out by the garbage can in back of my place. they were really cool. they gave me one of their beers which i think i left in my friends fridge, and we talked about my car for a while because they were suprised someone had a black toyota rather than a white or red one. they assumed i had a black car because i wore dark clothes. they also thought i was a "computer whiz". i just nodded. they were really nice. i felt bad i didn't have money to give them. i also felt bad taking a beer, but i wouldve felt just as bad turning it down. it was kind of awkward. but none the less very pleasent folks. so im putting some cds on my computer to put on my ipod. im gonna continue on that path and then head to the resting place. nights.

currently enjoying:

music:

m83-dead cities, red seas and lost ghosts

the dears-no cities left

nick drake-pink moon

darkest hour-hidden hands of a saddist nation

(sorry, nothing new)

dvd:

the micheal gondry. chris cunningham, spike jonze dvd set

south park season 3

garden state

books:

none my friend

other:

-cooking steak

-putting up my empire strikes back poster after i framed it

-playing apple to apple

-having ipod parties with my one friend who would hit me in the goods if i said his/her name, so we'll just call this person 'sanders'

January 10, 2005

“its funny the way people only say stuff like "you could never be replaced" right before they replace you”

the sky is out again. i let myself get drawn into airing the dirty laundry in this funny place we call the internet again. and as much as i say "never again"- i am sure it will happen. once again proof that i am just as flawed, if not more, than anyone else. that being said. i feel happy right now- okay, like sunny and 75 degrees. thanks for that. we've got all kinds of plans that no one knows about. go listen to the new academy is song over at www.purevolume.com/theacademyis

what it looks like from the valley: Its been pouring rain here for four days straight- this isn’t a metaphor for a thing, It’s just how it goes. Even the sewers are sick of it- they’re spitting water back out. the city’s in a suspicious green light not quite haunted but definitely considering it. The boarded up windows aren’t for keeping anything out, they’re for keeping secrets like treasures inside. The basement window is cracked like a spiders web only without the queen in the middle. I pull it up and slip inside. Breathe in a hundred years of disappointment in the form of dust and water stained paper. These places are never quite like in dreams or movies but they are gold none the less. What the fuck could a kid like me ever know about LOnelyS ANGELES. I just want you to know the only reason I ever had double standards is because I cant stand the thought of just one of anything, it just feels so lonely. Pull the chain on a light that doesn’t work- pretty much that sums it up. Climb creaking stairs to rooms that used to be alive. The sunlight cuts in green-white between boards on the windows. We’re not getting out of this one. Its times like this that feel safe to be all alone. Because its my choice. I am the boarded up windows. I am the old man asleep on the porch across the street, dreaming in black and white. take a screwdriver out to fix all the bad habits that I had foolishly broken in anger- There is a chest in the corner. I crack it open and it breathes deep like it has come back to life. i read "There are two sides to digging up the past- pros: you remember things you had forgotten about, cons: you remember things you had forgotten about". Sit here on the floor barely breathing in all the dust hanging in the air like gray and brown stars. Think about the way none of these stories are finished ever because that’s how I am. I cant close the door on a thing. I just sit back in the cut and wait to be called out. never putting down the last period. Never signing off.

you feel like a new sweater on the first day of school- perfect but nervous-and tonight is just off of rocket sHIPS.

January 11, 2005

so we heard that the fob xmas cards from the tour are being sold on ebay. we think that is bullshit. they were always meant to be free for our fans and friends. we have some left so if you send a self addressed stamped envelope to korean tom cruise he will send you one. head over to his livejournal for that. www.livejournal.com/~asiandan

do not pay for them online! 

p.s. today i told patrick he needed to turn down the patitude.

- petey

January 12, 2005

ive got my stitches stitched, ive got my fixes fixed

so an actual update. so pretty much our dates consist of: i dream. i wake up at around 10 and watch lifetime movies for an hour. then i yell into patrick's room cause i am pretty much his mom out here. we then get into the car, not talking because we're both kind of grumpy in the morning. luckily the oldies station is badass out here and we become best buds again when we sing along to UB40's "i can't help falling in love..." and tony bennet's "it's not unusual" or whatever it's called. the car pretty much becomes this sweet vegas lounge. when we get to the studio, i go right to computer and pretend to work on lyrics but pretty much just play this game called runescape where i get to kill goblins and barbarian women. patrick goes and works on guitar. we eat deltaco which is like taco bell only better (if thats even possible). we then go and work on vocals whcih mostly just consists of me and patrick making fun of eachother and doing imitations of eachotherback and forth. we have some cool guests on the record, some suprises. one is flying in from chicago tommorrow, we are pretty excited. we finished a song today called "my name is david ruffin and these are the temptations"- you either get it or you don't. the record is gonna be called: from under the cork tree. again, it refers to something we think is pretty amazing. i need to get back to eating burritos and killing goblins.

peter

January 13, 2005

“bass boost”

my friend drew and i are sitting here on seperate computers. im typing a lot and drew is messing with his ipod. i got the newest mos def cd finally and i love it. i also got the todd barry cd which comes with a dvd. its extremely hilarious. on top of that, i rewarded myself with season one of x-files. not much else to report. all i have is jibberish. we both know it. im sure you feel the same way, but unfortunatly you are hungry for more words and i have the ability to feed them to you spoonful by spoonful. im worried im getting lazy. ive been sitting around and thinking about it, i recently finished doing my part of the record, and we did our 5 day tour, and that was all amazing. by the way, someone asked on our messageboard (yes i read it), what me and andy are doing in the studio. we finished tracking our stuff and are at home playing eachother in nhl 2005. anyway,now i have nothing to do, and thats cool for a while, but now im extra lazy. i mean, ive been sleeping until 5pm soley because i wouldnt know what to do if i woke up any earlier than that, so i stay up extra late so i sleep extra late. thats gonna fuck me over soon. i am excited to go out to la again, even if its for a few days. that should be nice. at least the weather will be a redeeming quality compared to the current downpour chicago is enduring. i dunno, im not bored, just worried im getting into a habit of laziness. i hope not. im gonna go to bed in 4 hours. bye!

January 14, 2005

i cant stop/stand myself

new photos and love

January 16, 2005

“in a world of sluts i keep the wet dream alive”

sorry the lj is over for now. i read everything you liked/disliked about yourselves so i feel like it went out really well. thank you for sharing that with me. though towards the end there was too much fighting and ridiculous stuff being said- including calling my friends sluts and all. i can'[t control anonymous posters except by deleting the entire thing- and you've heard it before you can say whatever you want about me but as soon as it involves my friends, i wont deal with it. it's just not what i want to read- instead i am going to read: the stranger by Camus- i'd recommend it to you. on our messageboard recommend one to me and then go outside and play in the sun or the snow depending on where you live.

cause you aint got nobody and i aint got nobody either- so lets be alone together.

January 17, 2005

“namedropper namefucker”

on my daily quest to find idiocy in human nature, i have come to a final conclusion: that many people out there are just vegetables and do not take the time to think or learn, but rather to repeat hackneyed concepts and thoughts that they have heard from a much wiser being. and usually these versions of what they have heard are botched and have been through the telephone game so many times that by the time they repeat them themselves, they come out usually as fart noises. i guess im just in a bad mood. but the only things in life i find to be genious are george lucas, jrr tolkien, morrissey and david cross. and if you think the new star wars movies suck, why don't you try and come up with different worlds, a complete history, and array of creatures and characters, and everything else it takes to make such an elaborate world that star wars is. im sick of people hating on phantom menace and attack of the clones. i cant wait until revenge of the sith comes out so everyone watches and just gets the shit knocked out of them. seriously, if the force and lightsabers arent good enough for you, then you seriously need to re-evaluate your life. anyways, i love you all and this is has nothing to do with you. it just has to do with the haters and the half-glass empty assholes who want to make the world a bummer.

January 19, 2005

“your lack of faith is disturbing”

if anyone is complaing about the "corny" level of star wars episode 1 and 2, watch episode 4,5 and 6 and try to tell me mark hamill wasn't pretty much the cheesiest dude on earth. plus, let me relay this harrison ford/carey fischer conversation at the end of empire strikes back that even though it's cool, harkens back to the essence of cheese: leia "i love you", han, "i know". i rest my case friends. cgi's aside. and no one is arguing that jar jar was awesome, but no one ever brings up the gay droid marriage between c3p0 and r2d2. im not trying to compare jar jar, but just think about it. take care!

January 20, 2005

“more…”

im quite bored and im going to continue with this. this is in response to our beloved message board. first off, someone mentioned that the original star wars weren't corny at the time of their release. just because something is corny doesn't mean it isn't good. original trilogy was delightfully corny by past and present standards. talk to my parents, they saw all three in the theaters and will tell you the same. second, qui-gon jinn was totally undeveloped and one of my least favorite jedi to grace the films. hayden as anakin rules cause he's super pissed off and he's totally gonna flip out in episode three. look at his huge flip out in episode two: when he went on a tusken raider massacre. that was excellent. anyways, i cant wait for lightsaber technology. sign me up for the testing. cut my arms off, i just want to see that thing in action. am i a big enough nerd to sit down and figure out the star wars theme? yes. well, most of it. i could probably play it with my vader mask but that thing is a bit to small for my head and makes my face sweaty. my big nose makes it hard to wear. oh, and thank you liz for the info on darth tater. im gonna have to pick that guy up as soon as it hits. its darling. i do lots of bad lightsaber and spaceship noises when im bored or when i space out (no pun intended). i have a list of star wars things that ive been compiling in my head for everyone who likes star wars, minus the obvious ones like watching the trilogy:

-check out imdb.com and search under the star wars movies and check out the trivia, really interesting stuff about people they were going to originally cast, original versions of charcaters and such

-if you're into video games, most of the star wars games out there are really lackluster but there are a few that i love. both knights of the old republic and knights of the old republic II: the sith lords are totally amazing. they are sort of prequels to everything that happens in the first three episodes of star wars and there are no familiar characters whatsoever. those are probably some of the most addicting games ive ever played. also, star wars battlefront is awesome. it has sort of a halo aspect to it and takes place both during the clone wars and during the rebel/empire wars and you can play on both sides. i also sort of liked the jedi academy games but the controls suck and action games get really boring.

-the clone wars comics are totally awesome and tell you whats going on between episode 2 and 3.

-theres also lots of star wars books, but a lot of them aren't great.

-the clone wars animated series vol 1 is being released on dvd in march. i liked it a lot. also, episode 3 comes out in may and the episode 3 game, which looks cool as hell, comes out in may as well, about 4 days before the movie.

im a nerd for real. most of my opinions are really biased. dont be like me. go outside and go sledding or learn to knit or start working out. bye!

January 24, 2005

“isn't it messed up, how i'm just dying to be him”

sometimes i look back at the things i write and just want to throw it away. its like when it gets kind of bad the words just fall off my tongue and fingertips. but when it's at it's worst- its just contrite and cliche. not that any of this matters. but when posts are disappearing it's just me realizing i am being overdramatic. we're looking in mirrors and laughing cause we're in on it (princes of the scene, makeout queens).

you're making it okay: uncrustables (strawberry only), tiny hoodies from the little boys section of thrift stores, new bright eyes, this movie windy city heat- i swear to god it is the funniest movie i have ever seen, elliot smith "from a basement...", chocolate cake milkshakes, full moons, 80 degree weather in january, catcher in the rye (almost as cliche as me, but its the best there is, its safe), stealing clothes from photoshoots instead of doing laundry (never should have let us try on the clothes hahaha), the san diego zoo, bob for buying me an electic scooter-FBR tour is gonna be radical, new panic at the disco song, patrick laughing at me trying to squeeze into hilarious jeans- i promise you it's gonna happen, champaign for my real friends- real pain for my sham friends.

i think you're gonna like the new record, it's like a day away from being finished- at least the recording part....

as for the internet drama. its over. we're all friends- and fob fans are way cooler than any other bands. you are the only thing that makes it worthwhile.

"it feels like the first day of my life, glad i didn't die before i met you".

peterabbit

January 25, 2005

“technology doesnt work”

so i just wrote a really really long entry on this thing using my sidekick. hell, i even referenced sanders. yea thats right sanders, whatcha gonna do about it? nothing cause your hands are too small to punch a hole through my gut. so anyway, my sidekick took a crap on it. so now i have to write a WHOLE new one. ugh. the things im compelled to do. first off, what the hell is with celebrity weddings and e! thining we give a fuck about them? seriously, i dont care what slutty dress barbara walters is wearing to trumps wedding and i dont care about trump and his lackluster combover. he spent 35 million on his wedding. what a moron. seriously dude, spend 100 bucks on a vegas wedding, put the rest on black, double your money, buy some of those sick wrap around oakleys and do a bachleor walk down the street telling everybody that you're hot and these babys aren't even close to street legal, and refer to your awesome thighs when you say that because you know youll be wearing bike shorts. So I want to own a bear that rides a motorcyle with a shark on his back. Seriously, that dude would be like "I'm sort of in your face, I don't mean to be, but I'm a little in timidating. Please, stop making fun of us because we do two on one cycle here. Its how we like to ride. Its comfortable that way." And then he'd be like spear spear spear spear victory ride! so im excited to get home, see the folks, see the friends, see the woodsman, study on some boron, just get all the things done i need to. allright, this is my entry substitute. the other one was better but i forget most of what i wrote.

January 27, 2005

holy fuck.

please be my date to this [link to corpse bride trailer]

Oh yeah and "the boy with thorn in his side" is now available in all hottopics. Thanks to you guys for bugging em to get it in... Now pick up a copy there!

Peterpan

January 29, 2005

we have finished recording our new record and have a couple of weeks of mixing before we head home to chicago. just to let you know this was one of the hardest and most important things i have done in my life. i spent hours and hours trying to think what words would mean the most, what we had to say.

i am listening to the rough versions of the songs.

i hope that when it's finally said and done it means as much to you as it does to me.

p

- petey

[childside]

Little update of my life since the last time I rant here on 2017-ish(?), just for memories

Well, today is 2024 but let's recap :

2018

I dropped out of college (in my last year while preparing for final) because I need to work 9-5 job. Feels lonely and severely depressed. Financially struggled to support me and my mom, but at least I got to do something. My social anxiety was very bad too. Using mass transportation for daily commute was very exhausting. But well, I'm still alive. And then I think 2018 was the first year I tried to see a psychiatrist for my depression.

This year was pretty weird for me because it was the beginning of my "whore" phase lol. I started sleeping around, had one night stand here and there. And somehow I get into bdsm.

2019

This was the most entertaining year so far. I stop my anti depressant cold turkey, and it affects me so bad. So still depressing. And somehow I join bdsm community and identified myself as a submissive. And yeah, I got myself a partner as my Dom. So I'm in bdsm relationship. I was so obsessed with him and literally obsessed. Because he treated me so nicely. But we're in open relationship (which actually not my things because of I'm very jealous, but i signed the contract just because i dont wanna lose him).

And things get so much in my head and I have a breakdown, suicidal thought won't stop, so i came out to my mom about my mental issues and i admitted to psych ward. It was a memorable experience. Somehow I enjoyed being in that psych ward. Like a safe place.

But because I need to be there for like 2 - 3 weeks, I resigned from my work. My boss already had new secretary anyway. So yeah, I was suicidal, mentally ill, and jobless. And by the end of the year I was back psych ward for another 2 weeks.

2020

Covid era. Well, not really affect me since I was jobless and already in my room all day. Still jobless. Going out of my house only for psychotherapy, meds, and sleep over at my Dom place. Not much happened this year I guess. No psych ward. I try to cut my hair buzz cut. I love it.

2021

I get admitted to psych ward again. This was the very bad one. I really couldn't think straight, severely suicidal. But then the doctors try to create discussions between me and my mom. Things get pretty easy from there. Me and my mom finally in good terms. I get better I guess. But I still jobless and mentally ill. Got money support from friends and family tho. Not much but keep us hanging.

2022

I'm still obsessed with my Dom, but then he needs to get back to his hometown, so we barely meet and not much sleep over, we have to stay at the hotel if we want to do "stuff". I get back to drawing, especially digital drawing and food illustration just for fun. This year were great. Still jobless and mentally ill tho.

2023

Get back to psych ward. Not as severe as before. Low key just because I feel very insecure and jealous with my partner's new partner. It's annoyed me so much, I try to planned my suicide. Well, thankfully I'm still here. Nothing much happened after that. Still jobless and mentally ill.

But by the end of the year, I decided to "retired" from bdsm community and left twitter/x (this is where I meet people from community), and barely active at instagram. I just using tiktok now for the source of entertainment, along with Ao3 and Tumblr for fangirling purpose. I kinda less obsessed with my Dom somehow, and getting back to obsessed with series 9-1-1 and buddie. Oh and this band named Dogpark. I get really obsessed, and it was fun. It is fun. Like, Finally I'm back to fangirling era.

2024

It's still early for recap, but so far I'm still jobless and mentally ill.

Well, I hope I'm still here next year to recap my life.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[scarlett-vixen]

Pirate Mammon Pt. 2

Summary: This event has given me so many ideas so I made a second part of my Pirate Mams HC's! I know in the event they aren't brothers but in my little world they are or Mams at least sees them as brothers found family trope? Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy these as much as I do because I literally can't stop thinking about this boy.(I apologize for any grammar mistakes)

Part 1 here

Mammon isn’t afraid of other pirates and will face off against anyone who threatens his brothers or you and while Mams may try to tell you “I ain’t afraid of nothin!” he most certainly is and that’s:

👑 Sea Monsters!

👑 The boy is terrified of them and will not stay on deck to fight one. Lucifer has literally had to pull him by the collar out from below deck to help “All hands on deck means YOUR HANDS TOO MAMMON!” There may or may not be claw marks on the walls where he tried to hold on while Lucifer pulled him.

👑 If you’re the type of person who also hates things from below the sea, then he’ll use you as an excuse to not fight “Gotta keep ‘em safe Lucifer! Yer not gonna make them stay up here with us are ya?? They aren’t fit enough to fight off that thing!” Against Lucifer’s better judgment he’ll let Mammon take you below deck, no point in wasting his breath while this thing attacks the ship.

👑 If you’re intrigued or amazed by the sea dwelling beasts like Leviathan then he’ll swallow his fear and stay to fight, he wouldn’t want to look like a coward in front of you. He’ll make sure you’re not getting hit by blows from the creature or his brothers and will shield you from flying debris.

👑 Once the monster is defeated Satan always ends up studying the creature to better prepare for next time and if Mammon notices you hanging around to help him, he’ll get a little jealous and try to get your attention. After a few failed attempts he’ll huff and give up, that doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you two alone though. Instead, he sits off to the side making little comments about how he’s a lot more interesting than a dead sea slug.

👑 Anytime you guys dock at a new island and are given free time to explore the city he is IMMEDIATELY pulling you off in some direction away from the others. Occasionally he’ll let Levi follow you two but not without putting up a fight first, Levi will look to you for help with sad eyes, you’ll question Mams about what the big deal is, he’ll get flustered and give in quickly. He’ll begrudgingly let Levi tag along, but he’ll pull Levi to the side and tell him he only gets to join if he promises not to distract you from The Great Mammon.

👑 Master of excuses and fake illnesses!

👑 Every now and then Mammon will get a bad feeling about an island and will try and come up with some reason why he can’t go to shore. Much like another pirate I love

👑 Lucifer will ask what his problem is this time and in return get “I have a bad case of ‘cantgoonthatisland’ disease, too bad! Guess I won’t be joinin ya!” Lucifer has heard it all at this point however, he knows the one cure for all of Mammon’s fake little illnesses. “Yes, that is rather unfortunate Mammon, I guess you’ll just have to stay here on the ship… MC you can stick with Asmo and I while we explore the island.” It’s a miracle from the skies above, Mammon has been fully cured and is already off the ship ready to go!

👑 Tease him about it P L E A S E not only because its cute to watch him turn red but also Lucifer hopes that if you tease him enough, he’ll stop coming up with illogical diseases.

👑 In a perfect world Mammon would never let you leave his side, but unfortunately that’s not how it always plays out. Being one of the toughest in the crew he usually gets the more dangerous parts of being a pirate, while others like Asmo and Belphie get tasked to watch/protect the ship. Typically, Lucifer will demand you stay on ship when things get risky and Mammon agrees, the battlefield is no place for his treasure to be --- HIS FRIEND HE SAID HIS FRIEND SHUT UP! STOP GIGGLING!

👑 Mammon will give his brothers the same speech every time: “You guys better be EXTRA careful alright! Lucifer will tie ya to the mast if you let something bad happen!! I swear if there’s a single scratch on ‘em when we get back there’ll be hell to pay! Got it??”

Belphie: “Is he talking about the ship or MC?”

Asmo: “Honestly is that even a question at this point?”

👑 Despite lecturing them for twenty minutes before Lucifer smacks him, Mammon knows his brothers are more than capable of protecting you. They may not be as tough as him and Lucifer but that does NOT make them weak, may the heavens help the poor souls that try to raid the ship while those two are watching it.

👑 If you’re the type to challenge Lucifer and demand that you not be left on the ship, then he’ll put you with Beel and Satan. You can join the land crew, but you will not be going with the three eldest, that’s putting you too close to the danger. Mammon will also lecture these two about keeping you safe, but Satan is more interested in studying the local flora/fauna than listening to another tsundere lecture and Beel has already started walking away with you in tow. Beel will carry you if you ask

👑 If you end up with injuries, be it major or minor you can guarantee Mammon is there to take care of you. He’ll watch Satan very closely as he cleans you and places bandages on your injuries, mainly so he can help you change them when the time comes but also, he’s so WORRIED.

👑 Will absolutely blame himself if you get hurt! Even if you simply tripped on the deck and scraped your knee, poor boy is concerned.

👑 Has absolutely had nightmares about not being able to save one of his brothers/you in a fight and wakes up in a cold sweat each time. If it was about a brother, he’ll quietly open the door to their room to make sure they’re okay (except Lucifer and Satan, he’ll just wait until breakfast to check on them) but if it was about you? He’s in your room in a heartbeat. If you’ll allow it, he’ll crawl into bed and just hold you until he drifts back off to sleep. If you’re not comfortable with that then he’ll sit on the floor leaning against your bed the rest of the night, he probably won’t fall back asleep but as long as he knows you’re safe that’s what matters.

👑 I said this in the first part, but he absolutely adores watching you fight! He's your biggest supporter cheering you on while simultaneously covering you from more foes. Will come completely unhinged if some jerk manages to land a blow on you, the minute he sees a spot of blood on you that doesn’t belong to your opponent he’s stepping in front of you to finish the guy off.

👑 Let’s talk about Wanted Posters!! More specifically how Mammon flaunts his and will boast anytime his bounty is raised. Has the third highest bounty on the crew and takes that as a challenge, will he ever learn? Probably not but it’s fun to watch him go for it!

👑 When you finally get your own wanted poster, he and Asmo both make a big deal out of it! “This makes you a real pirate now! Guess you’re stuck with us for good!” “Oooooh look how CUTE you are in your poster! Not as cute as me but very close!”

👑 Lucifer will place it on the board in his quarters along with everyone else’s, he’ll congratulate you on the achievement “Perhaps you could have the third highest bounty soon and replace Mammon” Mams will agree and then realize what just happened, who cares he’s so proud of you right now.

👑 Will find a copy of your poster and hang it up in his room someone love this man already. Little does he know you also have HIS wanted poster hanging in your room!

👑 Actually he came to get you for dinner one evening and happened to catch a glimpse of it on the wall, whatever he was saying when he first opened the door was never finished because he took off before you could see him become an absolute mess. Locked himself in his room and if you listened closely, you could hear his muffled screams that night.

👑 WILL LET YOU WEAR HIS COAT!!! If you mention it being kind of breezy or if you look cold he’ll wrap you in his coat and blush because holy shit?? Why are you so adorable? You’ll be the death of him one day. “Gotta get you warmer clothes… until then ya can keep my coat, I don’t need it out here anyway”

👑 One time he found you asleep on the deck. Some of the others were playing cards nearby but they hadn’t noticed you doze off. He covered you with his coat because you looked a little cold and about had a heart attack when you stirred in your sleep and wrapped yourself in his coat more.

👑 If you ever somehow got kidnapped, this man is on the hunt faster than any hound dog has ever been. He will stop at NOTHING until he finds the scum that nabbed you, even ignoring Lucifer’s warning about how they’re probably using you as bait for the rest of them. Mams does not care. They took his most valuable treasure and he’s NOT going to rest until they’ve paid for doing so. Watching him fight in general is *chef’s kiss* but watching him fight for YOU? And your safety? Absolutely stunning. Even with one eye he has incredible aim and speed, he’s wiped out half the room before the rest of your crew can show up to help.

👑 Will act like he doesn’t need medical attention even if he has cuts all over. Satan knows how stubborn he is and won’t fight him unless he’s concerned about severe infection. But if you start scolding him about cleaning his wounds and drag him to the medical bay to start doing it yourself, he will not resist. He’ll give his little protest about how they’re “barely even scratches, ‘S not worth it” but will also let you drag him half away across the ship while doing so.

👑 Absolutely melts the minute you start cleaning him up, can not keep eye contact though. In fact, you’d be lucky if he even looked in your direction, more than likely he’ll turn away and stare at pictures on the wall or down at his boots in hopes that you won’t see the blush covering his cheeks and you won’t notice how it’s spreading up to his ears and he PRAYS you can’t feel his pulse racing while you bandage his wrist.

👑 Once you finish, he’ll say something dumb like “Course ya wanna take care of me, who’d protect you if I wasn’t around?” he’ll try and tease you for worrying about him and taking care of him but on the inside, he’s thinking of a hundred ways to repay you.

[flashflashhundredyarddash]

batkids and their relationships with their siblings headcanons. under read more because this got fucking LONGGG

dick

dick is the eldest so he doesnt want to bog down his younger siblings with his problems, but if he DOES, he tends to talk to jason about it

dick and cass start to really begin to bond when Cass shows up to dicks gymnastics class for 3rd-6th graders and then cass shows up all the sixth graders and they get frozen yogurt after lmao

dick and tim are Very much thick as thieves. tim is very much like bruce on the Emotional Suppression scale, so dick just really wants to make sure his little brother is safe and happy ALL the time

Duke and Damian are the only two really permanently at the manor anymore, so when dick drops by he tries to do something with both of them. duke frantically zoom calls dick every other week to help him with his his trig homework. dick shows up to dukes high school graduation with literally the BIGGEST SIGN

everyone insists damian is dicks favorite but he does actually genuinely love all his siblings equally, his relationship with damian is just Very different from the others because of the age gap and being dami's primary caretaker for a year. dick babies dami every chance he gets

jason

would sell Dick to satan for One corn chip

him and cass don't have the greatest start to their relationship because cass is very much Against Killing so it takes a while for jason to warm up to her and earn her trust. now, though, jason is competing with steph by showing cass all the classic American Teenager things she missed out on. steph is currently winning but jason is like 98% positive a crunch wrap from taco bell is going to push him over the edge

tim and jason are currently competing over who can solve the most cases in a month. tim is winning. that won't last long.

jason Loves to Big Brother duke its so embarrassing. duke will get out of school and go to his car and jason is SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT FRANTICALLY WAVING TO GET DUKES ATTENTION. JASON THAT IS MY CAR. signal has one (1) mission with arsenal and arsenal goes hey did you ask that girl to homecoming yet and duke is like I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

Damian is proof that Actually, Little Brothers are Pests. Jason fully believes that he was brought back from the dead PURELY to torment damian and he will fulfill this mission at any cost

cassandra

it actually really upset her when Dick didn't accept her at first. she knows her other siblings really adore dick so his lack of trust was really disheartening. it takes dick a while but once he Actually Accepts that cass is going to be a permanent part of their life and oh, wow, dick you really hurt her feelings he really hyperfocuses on bonding with cass for a couple of months which definitely improves their relationship

she really likes jason!! their relationship doesn't start well but because he's close with steph and tim who are cass's top two favorite people to exist ever, cass is like well i GUESS ill hang out with him more. jason is fun to talk to because he always tries his best to explain jokes and give context to what people are talking about (also tim took her to taco bell already but she didn't tell jason she just wanted to hang out)

cass LOVES tim. they just click okay. tim always seems to know when to give her space and when to push and come closer. Tim's "guest room" is just her room lets be real. tim and cass occasionally get mistaken for twins and Cass Loves it.

duke makes cass listen to metal once and cass loses. her. damn. mind. they bond over music a lot because they both Love Music to a degree the others in their family don't.

damian!! damian is her little brother!!! dami isn't As Hostile to cass at first because he is 100% aware cass has the edge in fighting and respects her. cass likes all of his instagram posts and they have a snapchat streak going

tim

tim Loves dick, dick was his first sibling!! he had Very strong hero worship when he first met dick but it mellowed out when tim got older because wow 17 is really not that cool and mature lol. tim has an open invitation to dick's apartment which he does occasionally take advantage of. tim has more than once scared the shit out of wally when wally comes over and wally is convinced they're being robbed (HA) for half a second. i mean. he's not wrong.

listen. tim understands that forgiving the guy who tried to kill you would be a Struggle for some people and it was! definitely! but also at least he can trust jason to, uh, be open about if he doesn't like tim. which is not an assurance he has with other people. so if the guy who tried to kill him tells him tim is cool now then like. maybe tim isn't that bad or annoying a person? also jason arrested a whole gang and won the cases competition but then it created a power vacuum that the whole batfam had to clean up the rest of the month. thanks, jason.

tim LOVES cass. you know how most of the time theres this empty feeling inside you and you just kind of ignore it because you don't know what will fix it or if you do, you know you can't fix it? cass makes that empty feeling feel a little less empty. they just click. tim always tries to travel with cass whenever she leaves gotham.

tim and duke. Tim is actually the sibling who duke goes to whenever he has questions he doesn't want to ask bruce or alfred about, like, life or vigilante-ing or school or college or whatever and Tim is always like yes!! i love Giving Advice and Solving Problems!! tim and duke and jason fill out their college applications together.

tim and damian. LMAO. ROUGH START THAT'S ALL ILL SAY. at some point alfred goes like fuck it. family therapy. and tim and dami are PISSED. tim and damian get along best when they have a common enemy to work against. their relationship gets much better when damian is older and they actually talk about their feelings like emotionally stunted bats. despite how bad their relationship was, tim will ALWAYS protect damian

duke

very much intimidated by dick at first. dick is so much older and has his own job and friends and life and is very much AN ADULT. dick likes to take duke out to do lots of cool stuff (paintball, lasertag, tech exhibitions, concerts, etc). also, dick PERSONALLY introduced duke to superman and is dating THE FLASH. 10/10 awesome big brother.

was intimidated by jason for 0.5 seconds before jason actually opened his mouth and started speaking. jason is literally. So Embarrassing. which is weird because nobody else really seems to feel that way about jason but duke knows he's 100% in the right here. like yeah jason is also An Adult and does Adult Stuff but he's also at the manor like every other weekend???? and he always complains about bruce but always seems to be in the same room bruce is in????? like okay jason. they bond over literature!! jason and duke and alfred will spend literal hours talking about books and duke loves it. duke is the only one who doesn't think jason is funny and jason gets so upset about it lmao.

cass has this one week where she gets really into photography and by virtue of being nearby (and also not nocturnal), duke becomes her victim subject. duke prints out all the pictures and hangs them up in his room (his favorite is one he took when he stole the camera and took a really bad selfie of them together).

tim is closest in age to duke so duke tends to hang around with him a lot. tim introduced duke to his young justice friends and duke is like yes!!! meta-friends!!!! tim really helps duke out with his powers because tim is always like wow i wonder if your powers would work if we did This? can you see farther than other people? is your visible spectrum of light different than other humans? Bruce does the same thing but bruce is boring about it lol.

damian and duke live in the same house and will be in the same room and just send each other social media posts back and forth. they follow each other on instagram and will, OCCASIONALLY, make tik toks together because they're tik tok fiends. each of his siblings have visited his parents once or twice but damian routinely comes with him.

damian

damian gets a special bullet point to say that it took him. forever to come around to the idea of having siblings. he very much believed that he was Bruce's Blood Son and everyone else were just tagalongs or allies. it took him ages to acknowledge that dick, jason, tim, and cass were his siblings, so when duke came and like a week later damian was like Ah, Yes, this is my brother Thomas everyone else was like dude wtf

listen. LISTEN. Obviously. Richard is very highly skilled. and also Father values him highly. and also Richard will listen to Damian complain about his schoolmates. and also Richard is much more patient with Damian than other members of his family. listen....,,, (all this to say damian kind of fucking adores dick lmaooooo this kid).

Todd is kind of unbearable but damian has been informed this is both a normal feeling when it comes to Todd and also big brothers. damian was an only child for ten years so yes, Father, if Todd attempts to tickle me I WILL break his fucking nose. yes i WILL put money in the swear jar but I want you to know i don't regret it. they always try to sneak up on each other but mostly fail.

DRAKE!!! but no lol once damian grows up and is like I Apologize for attempting to murder you it was wrong and you are just as much a son to Father as I am tim is like UGH i guess its cool since ur being so emotionally mature and all. also im 2 for 5 on siblings trying to murder me so im definitely going to win trauma bingo and damian is like i take it back you are insufferable. When Will My Older Siblings Stop Joking About Their Trauma.

CASS!!! listen. cass is cool. Cass Gets It. They have a special Bond. also damian really likes it whenever cass is home because 1) he gets to hang out and do something cool with cass and 2) he feels significantly safer with cass in the house because Nobody will be able to hurt any of their family if Cass is there. ALSO he tries to call her cain but everyone is like DONT DO THAT and he doesn't want to call her wayne bcus theyre ALL wayne (dick adds it on as a middle name but also Richard John Wayne West-Grayson is just. the lamest name ever so dick needs to reconsider it before his upcoming nuptials)((dick will not reconsider it except maybe whether grayson-west would work better)) and so he tries cassandra but cass is like :) call me cass and damian is like cassandra is more formal and respectful and cass is like :) and finally damian just has to give in.

Duke! him and duke actually live together so they get the Most Bonding Time and have a bunch of inside jokes as a result. (is it bad i wanted to laugh because inside jokes... joker... i'll see myself out). they're eating breakfast together (and also alfred sits with them IM NOT A MONSTER ALFIE'S LIKE 70 NOW OKAY) and duke laughs and bruce is like what are you laughing at, son? and duke is like oh damian just showed me this funny meme and then he shows the phone to bruce and bruce grabs it (both the boys groan) and after WAY TOO LONG is like "i don't get it" and so now duke and damian have to try and explain the comedic intricacy of bob's burgers

[cvtqr]

365

pairings; eren jaeger x reader [+ jean x reader]

notes; this was also posted on my ao3, which has the same username as this one [cvtqr]

“i never loved you y/n.” 

“WHAT DON’T YOU GET? I NEVER LOVED YOU SO STOP COMING HERE Y/N.” 

he slammed the door in your face. you didn't know why he was treating you this way. you've been with him every step of the road. there was no way he couldn't love you. you didn't want to leave. you didn't want to stop coming to see him. so you didn't stop. you weren't going to leave. you sunk down onto the concrete in front of his door.

on the other side eren was doing the same thing, just sitting against the door. he didn't want to see you. he didn't want to give into you. if he hurt you now he wouldn't hurt you in 365 days. but seeing your face was so hard. he never wanted to scream at you and slam the door in your face. right when you showed up the only thing he wanted to do was pull you into his arms. he wanted to feel your warmth. but he can't. he knew you were like a drug, he couldn't get enough. he also knew that he could never be with you again. no. not after 365 days. he could never give you a family, the life you deserved. his biggest mistake was falling in love with you. it was impossible to give you everything he wanted to. he never even knew when it happened. when you walked with him in the snow during training? when you saved him countless times? your soft, sweet smile? he needed you, but you didn't need him.

you ended up falling asleep on eren’s front porch, waking up the next morning from the bright sun shining directly onto your face. and the blonde boy standing in front of you.

“so he won't talk to you either hm? you should go, you don't deserve that y/n. he hasn't talked to anyone in days, im just leaving a bag for him to make sure he's taking care of himself and all.” 

you nodded and stood up, walking down the step on eren’s porch. 

“the captain wants to see you too. i think he wants you and jean doing field work today.”

“thanks” you mumbled out before going to meet up with levi. 

armin was right, you and jean were out on the field today. jean secretly cared about you and he hated seeing you like this. the bright cheerful girl, now not saying a word. you lost the glow in your eyes. as the sun set, you and jean were about done. riding your horses back to the stables, jean took a turn.

“where are you going.”

“come on, y/n.”

sighing, you turned the direction of your horse, following jean.  

he stopped over the lake, the sun setting above you two.

“i used to come here with marco all the time.”

you looked up and over at jean.

“s-sorry, lets go.”

“wait jean.- i, i miss him too.”

“do you maybe wanna get dinner in town? we haven't ate in awhile and you seem very down today.”

“i don't know jean...”

“oh come on, my treat.”

knowing you couldn't go home and cook with eren like you used to do, you accepted his offer. 

279 days

the time for you and jean to do field work all day came around again. after, you found yourself in town with him again. over the past 86 days you found yourself going to eren’s less and less. after hanging out with jean all day for the first time, you realized that you both had a lot in common. jean lost someone and even though eren was still here, you lost him. you now only go there about once a week with armin, just to leave a bag with a note on his doorstep. he completely ghosted everyone. he hasn't talked to anyone in almost 100 days. you were the last person he spoke to. 

back to today, you found your smile slowly coming back. but were you over eren? no. not at all. jean just simply made you somewhat happy. out in town the both of you decided to try food from a bunch of carts. that was until you got to a small band playing music. jean pulled you close to him and started slowly swaying the both of you together. jean knew you were probably wishing he was eren, but that was ok with him. he had you in his arms.

what you didn't know, eren was sitting on a nearby bench. from a far, he was un recognizable. his hair draped over his shoulders and he hasn't shaved in months. he looked like shit. he questioned his decision of pushing everyone away. should he have spent the 365 days with you? no. no no no no no, he made the right choice. now he would just have to watch your life with jean. even though it hurt, it hurt like hell, this is what he wanted for you.

123 days 

wow, its been awhile since you've seen eren. you stopped going there. you didn't feel like need. its been way over 200 days. you had jean now. you were so close, yet so far to being over eren. but you didn't want to hurt jean by going to see your ex-lover. jean didn't bring up marco, you didn't bring up eren. you haven't had as much time with jean that you had with eren, but you were slowly falling in love with him.

just the little things.

4 days

letters. eren had written a letter to each and every one of his friends, but no. he only needed you to see yours. he ripped up the rest, but put yours into a plain white envelope, leaving it on his kitchen table. he needed to think about a lot of things in the next four days.

1 day 

eren took all his decorations down. all the pictures of you two that he's been looking at for the past 364 days. the only thing left was the letter, still set on his counter.

2 days after 

y/n. open in five years. i understand if you want to throw this out and forget about me, but give it a chance.

that's what you read on the envelope left on eren’s counter. 

you and close friends cleaned out eren’s house, collecting his personal belongings.  

saying the day was gloomy is being generous. the next few years were gloomy.

1825 days after

“marco kirstein! get back here right now or im getting your father.” 

you never imagined yourself chasing after a three year old toddler while your husband drank coffee on the balcony five years later. 

1826 days later

“have fun on your camping trip boys. connie loose my child when jean goes on that interview and ill kill you.”

“mommy stop worrying! uncle connie is a great babysitter!” 

6 hours later

you un crumpled the old envelope sitting in a box of belongings. 

hey sugar! so i see you didn't forget about me. if im right you have started a family? or that's what i hope at least...

those last 365 days were painful as all hell. sorry for bringing up old memories but i just want to clear things up with you. i lied the last time i saw you. i love you. i loved you so much. that's why i needed to let go. I've been watching you and jean over the past few months. you seem happy. stay that way please. i fucking cannot stand jean but please don't let go of him. if you're reading this and you did, i hope your children get/got your genes so they don't have horse faces. 

i don't even know why im writing this, i guess i just wanted to say i had to let go so you wouldn't get hurt once i died. i thought it would be less painful for you that way. im so sorry if i hurt you at first. so, so sorry. at least you had jean. someone, just like i wanted you too. 

im not sure if i regret my decision. actually scrap that i shouldn't have wrote that because i don't have an eraser. i don't regret it. but i just wanted to let you know that i loved you over those last 365 days. tell the gang i said hey.

i love you, my atlantis.

-eren

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

champagne problems (part 1)

here's my first part of my modern no magic "champagne problems" singer-songwriter quarantine thomastair AU! happy birthday to @foxglove-airmid even though I don't think it's your birthday where you live anymore (and I still haven't posted zia's birthday fic, it'll happen I swear)!

no content warnings for this part (besides maybe quarantine), but future parts will include discussions of mental illness, substance abuse, and a suicide attempt

obviously, the song alastair "wrote" in the fic is not mine, it's by taylor swift! and a few of the lyrics have been changed!

Masterlist | AO3

Thomas breathed out a sigh of relief as he lugged his suitcase up onto the fifth floor landing.

“‘Ere we are,” Piers announced as he unlocked the door.

Thomas was utterly exhausted, such was the result of taking a redeye flight across the Atlantic during a global pandemic, but any idea of rest that he’d had was interrupted when he heard the sound of piano flood the apartment.

“Ah, sorry about that,” Piers nodded, “One of my flatmates, the walls are paper thin. He can’t record at the studio right now, but he’s trying to finish his EP, so it’s been a bit noisier around here. He’ll take a break soon, hopefully.”

Thomas shook his head. “It’s no problem. Thank you, again, for allowing me to stay here. I’ll be looking for my own place as soon as the quarantine is up.”

“Of course. You’ve got the couch as long as you need it. Couldn’t just hang you out to dry, could I? Although, you did pick a god awful time to move to the city, if I do say so myself.”

Thomas sat down on the couch and tried to make himself comfortable. It was more comfortable than the flight or the airport, at least. “I know… I considered postponing the move, but the visa was so difficult to get, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. They say this will all blow over in a couple of weeks, but borders are closing and I heard talk of them suspending all pending visa applications. I didn't know how long it would be if I waited, if the job was even still here for me at all.” Although at first entrance, the music had seemed to be a nuisance, it now comforted him. It wasn’t bad at all, in fact, it quite reminded him of the days Alastair’s playing had filled their flat…

“Where did you say you were working again? At a record company?”

“Yeah. I’m just doing pretty basic stuff for now, but if I ever do want to record my own music, I’ve got to start somewhere.”

“Hm,” Piers said, gesturing to the room the music was coming from. “Perhaps you’ll get on with him well, then. Would you like some tea?”

Thomas nodded and Piers went to start the teapot. Piers continued, “Though I suppose he's more of the tortured artist type. Very reserved, quite prickly. I didn't even meet him until a couple weeks after I moved in here because he was off in some psychiatric hospital.” Thomas shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was never one for gossip. “My other roommate’s nice, though, I think you’ll like him. He-”

“How did you end up in New York, again? I don’t think I ever asked.”

Piers dove into the subject change quite readily, explaining his uni - or college - years in New York City and his decision to stay afterwards. Thomas had tuned most of it out, truthfully. It wasn’t that he was trying to be rude, but he was rather exhausted, and Piers was wearing thin on his patience.

As the kettle started to whine, Thomas heard the musician begin to sing, and he froze. It sounded so much like Alastair. But it couldn't be, could it? With over 8 million people living in the city, he would not end up in Alastair's apartment by accident. His Alastair was certainly reserved and prickly, but it wasn't possible. It must be like all those times he thought he saw him on a street he'd never walked or heard his laugh in a café he'd never been to. Just his mind, tricking him. Even if he knew that voice so well, despite not hearing it in so long.

“It’s quite good, isn’t it? His first single just dropped.” Piers asked, bringing over his cup of tea. He hadn’t realized it, but he’d been staring intently at the door.

Thomas took the cup. “Hm? Yeah, I guess. Thanks.”

“You should look it up. It’s called “champagne problems” by Simurgh. That’s spelled- Well, it should come up.”

The name Simurgh sounded familiar, but Thomas couldn’t put his finger on where he knew it from. At Piers’ insistence, he pulled out his phone and brought up the song. As he skimmed through the first few lines, a cold feeling settled in his stomach.

“You booked the night train for a reason So you could sit there in this hurt Bustling crowds or silent sleepers You're not sure which is worse”

“Simurgh,” Thomas realized.

“Yeah, I think it’s Arabic or something.”

It took Thomas a moment to process that Piers was responding to him. “It’s Persian.” He was certain that Alastair would have some very stern words to say if he heard Piers confusing the two, actually. Thomas had admittedly let his Farsi skills deteriorate quite a bit since the breakup, but he was fairly certain the name came from the Shahnameh. There was no doubt in Thomas’ mind now: he was staying in Alastair’s apartment, and Alastair’s first single was about one of the most painful days in Thomas’ life. “I, er, I used to study it.”

“Oh, yes, that’s right!” Piers launched into a tangent that Thomas tuned out as he read through the rest of the page.

“Because I dropped your hand while dancing Left you out there standing Crestfallen on the landing Champagne problems”

“Thomas? Are you alright?”

He realized then that his hand was trembling so badly that his tea nearly spilled. He used his other hand to steady it. “Oh, uh, yes, I’m just tired.”

“Perhaps you should rest. I can ask Alastair to quiet down for a while-”

“No!” he exclaimed rather too forcefully. “No, that’s not necessary. I’d just rather not talk, if that’s alright.”

Piers nodded.

Thomas kept reading.

“Your mom's ring in your pocket My picture in your wallet Your heart was glass, I dropped it Champagne problems”

Of all the songs, why did he release the one about him? Why was it about a memory still so painful in Thomas’ heart, all of these years later? He remembered it so well, standing there, alone, shattered into a million pieces.

“You told your family for a reason You couldn't keep it in Your sister splashed out on the bottle Now no one's celebrating”

He was fairly certain that Barbara had been more excited than even he was, confident that Alastair would accept, and so very proud of her baby brother, all grown up. She’d been furious when it fell apart, but it was her who stood with him during the aftermath, who boarded him onto a train to Edinburgh to visit Eugenia when he couldn’t stand to be in the same city as him any longer, who went through his phone, blocking all of Alastair’s accounts so that he could obsess over him no longer, who comforted him as he wept and held him as he picked the pieces of himself back up again.

And all the more sour was the memory in light of her death.

“Dom Pérignon, you brought it No crowd of friends applauded Your hometown skeptics called it Champagne problems”

He looked up at Piers, who had fortunately become enthralled with something on his phone and was no longer paying Thomas any mind. He lifted the teacup gingerly to his lips, but he felt far too sick to take a drink.

“You had a speech, you're speechless Love slipped beyond your reaches And I couldn't give a reason Champagne problems”

A reason, that’s all Thomas had wanted. Just any explanation. He understood if they were moving too fast, or perhaps he’d misread something, but he just didn’t understand it.

Why? Why can’t you tell me why? I deserve an explanation, Alastair. Please, anything.

I… I’m sorry, Thomas.

Stop it! Stop apologizing! We can just go home and pretend this never happened, please, forget about all of it, it was a stupid idea-

Thomas, stop. I shouldn’t’ve… This was a mistake. I’m sorry I didn’t see that sooner.

That was the moment Thomas felt his heart stop beating.

“Your Midas touch on the Chevy door November flush and your flannel cure "This dorm was once a madhouse" I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me" How evergreen, our group of friends Don't think we'll say that word again And soon they'll have the nerve to deck the halls That we once walked through”

Despite the nearly two decades Thomas had spent in London before Alastair, it was never the same without him. He saw him everywhere he went, despite knowing he was thousands of miles away. After graduating uni that May, he accepted a spot at a graduate program in Spain and didn’t look back.

“One for the money, two for the show I never was ready so I watch you go Sometimes you just don't know the answer 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you "You’re the only one I want by my side, What a shame you’re fucked in the head," you said”

Those were the words that haunted Thomas’ nightmares, even now.

It’s you! It’s only you for me! It was always going to be you! But I can see now that I was never going to be enough for you, you and your secrets and walls and your lies. It’s a shame… it’s a shame you’re so fucked in the head, Alastair. You’ll never truly love anyone, will you? You’re not physically capable of it.

Alastair hadn’t responded. Thomas had wanted a rise out of him, any reaction at all, despite knowing how lethal and volatile Alastair could become when provoked. But there was nothing. Not a flicker of anything in his steeled expression. He’d simply looked down, apologized again for any pain that he’d caused, and left.

That was the last time they’d spoken.

Thomas and his sister left for Edinburgh that night, and when he’d returned to London, Alastair was gone.

“Well, you'll find the real thing instead Who'll patch up your tapestry that I shred And hold your hand while dancing Never leave you standing Crestfallen on the landing With champagne problems”

Thomas couldn’t imagine giving his heart to anyone again, not now and certainly not then. He’d dated in Madrid, but it had always stayed casual. He’d made sure of it. He could see now that he and Alastair had gotten together quickly, moved in together quickly, done all of it very quickly. After all, he’d fallen hard and fast. He gave all of himself to Alastair, and he’d nearly lost all of himself in the process.

“Your mom's ring in your pocket New picture in your wallet You won't remember all my Champagne problems

“You won't remember all my Champagne problems”

Now, he wondered what the rest of the story was. He’d convinced himself that Alastair had never loved him, that he was heartless and cruel, though he’d known that wasn’t true. Could Alastair have written this song if he’d never truly loved him? Perhaps he was a sociopath.

Thomas felt like he should run. Like he should pick up his bag and dart out of the apartment before Alastair could notice him, find some hotel somewhere with undoubtedly extraordinary high rates and just pretend like this never happened. He could get back on a plane and go back home to his parents and delete his phone browser history and pretend like this was all just a bad dream. But he could not move.

He didn’t know how many minutes had passed before Alastair’s door opened. He looked up with a start.

“Thomas,” Alastair breathed. He stood wide eyed, flushed.

“Do you two already know each other then?” Piers asked.

There was a moment of silence before Thomas cleared his throat. “We used to,” he said, looking down.

“I, er, I forgot that your friend was coming today,” Alastair told Piers. “It’s quite a long journey from London, you should have told me, I would have been quieter.”

Thomas considered correcting him for a moment, but decided not to. “Don’t worry about it. I heard you had your first big release. Congratulations.”

Alastair gave an awkward nod. “Thank you. Right, well, I’ll just…” He rushed over to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of water from the fridge. “I’ll try to be a bit quieter.”

“Don’t- It’s fine, really. In fact, I’m sure there’s some hotel in the area I can stay at for now, actually-”

“Well, don’t leave on my account,” Alastair interrupted. “We agreed to let you stay here, and the city’s a bloody mess right now. I’ll stay out of your hair, Thomas.”

Thomas only nodded as Alastair disappeared back behind his bedroom door.

Thanks for reading! Taglist (ask to be +/-): @stxr-thxif @chaos-and-starlight @zosiaenrique @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @eugeniaslongsword @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid @writeforjordelia @sapphic-in @jem-nasium @fortheloveofthecarstairs @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @shadowrunner2000 @thewarthatsavedmylife @fair-childd @itsjusta-j-really

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hi!! i recently got into johnlock and the universe has somehow directed me to your blog (which is an absolute godsend omfg). have you got any good possessive!john fics?

Hi Lovely!!!

AHHHH!! I’m so glad you enjoy my blog!!! <3 Thank you so much! <3

AHHH you know what??? I don’t get asked this all that much at all! I think mostly because it’s easier to find Possessive Sherlock fics and people then just... forget LOL

So guess what?? You’re the prompter for any fics I actually tagged or filed with Possessive John! <3 A pioneer you are! LOL I’m combining it with a few of the Obsessive fics as well, since I don’t have many new ones.

As usual, gang, feel free to add your own!! <3

POSSESSIVE / OBSESSIVE JOHN

See also: 

Specifically Jealous John b/c of Other People

Jealous John

Jealous John Pt. 2 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 2

Jealous John Pt 3 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 3

Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 4

Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 5

Hell or High water by bluefire301175 (E, 2,250 w., 1 Ch. || PWP, Frottage, Alley Sex, First Person POV John, Case-ish Fic, Mutual Pining, Bed Sharing) – John wants. Sherlock wants. Plain and simple.

Display by 221b_hound (E, 2,377 w., 1 Ch. || Post-HLV, Tattoos, Public Hand Jobs, Exhibitionism, Possessive Sex, Possessive Sherlock, Possessive John) – A new client has been flirting with Sherlock and, finding no joy there, with John. John seems annoyed to be second-best, Sherlock thinks, so Sherlock decides to give the departing woman (and maybe also John) a demonstration of who, exactly, John belongs to. But there's more than one level of sexual jealousy and more than one display of possession going on here, outlined in the window of 221b Baker Street. Part 2 of Lock and Key

Apodyopsis by QuinnAnderson (E, 3,347 w.,1 Ch. || PWP, Rough Sex, Table Sex, Anal, Sexual Tension) – Apodyopsis: (æpəʊdaɪˈɒpsɪs) noun. the act of mentally undressing someone. Part 2 of Undressed

Overture by Kate_Lear (M, 4,435 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Angry John, Introspection, Dev. Rel., Embarrassed / Insecure Sherlock, Morning After, Bed Sharing, Cuddles / Limpet Sherlock) – A short snippet on how John and Sherlock might have got together.

Sherlock and John Go Clubbing by wendymarlowe (E, 4,716 w., 3 Ch. || Clubbing, Dirty Talk, Dancing, Coming Untouched, Coming in Pants, Bi John, For a Case, Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Sherlock is Lost for Words, Sexy John, Mutual Pining, Possessive John, Floor Sex/Hand Job/Frottage) – John pinched the bridge of his nose - even for Sherlock, this was a new level of no bloody boundaries. “You want me to go with you to a gay club, wait around twiddling my thumbs while I let you get pawed by a criminal, then out-flirt him and talk you into coming home with me instead?” Part 32 of John and Sherlock's Kinky First Times

Caves in the Mountains Are Seldom Unoccupied by starrysummernights & TheMadKatter13 (E, 7,925 w., 1 Ch. || Were-Creatures ||  Werebear John, Pseudo Bestiality, Rimming, Heavy Dub Con, Rough Sex, Come Inflation / Eating, Size Kink, PWP, Bratty Sherlock, Rutting) – “This isn’t something to play at, Sherlock,” he snapped. “If it doesn’t work out- what you’re asking of me- we can’t shrug and say 'oh well, at least we tried'. If we do this… I could seriously hurt you. Do you understand? I could lose control. I could… I could kill you.”

My Life for His by QuinnAnderson (E, 8,816 w., 1 Ch. || Guardian/Protector, Greek Mythology || Growing Up, Sex, Religious Themes, Suicide, Minor Character Death) – It began when Sherlock was eight, and he attempted to climb all the way up to the highest branch in the old willow tree in his back garden. He'd thought he was still small enough that it could support him, but the second he'd grabbed hold of it to pull himself up, the branch snapped, and down he went, plummeting a solid twenty metres. The odd thing was, he never actually hit the ground.

Of Course I Forgive You by allonsys_girl (E, 10,735 w., 1 Ch. || Love Confessions, Canon Divergence, First Time, Frottage, Wall Sex, Infidelity) – What if things had gone differently on that train car?

The Invocation of Saint Margaret by Ewebie (E, 15,831 w., 1 Ch. || POV John,  Crossing Timelines, Light Angst, Fluff, Series 3 John / Series 1 Sherlock, The Matchbox, Mushy Romance, First Time, Bisexual John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Sensuality, Emotional Love Making, Snippets of Time) – When Sherlock Holmes opens the matchbox from The Sign of Three and John finds himself years in the past, back to that first dinner at Angelo's with a much younger Sherlock Holmes. Is he dreaming?

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

The Kepler Problem by kinklock (E, 24,270 w., 1 Ch. || Sci-Fi AU, Alien Sherlock, Space Repairman John, Alien Biology, Horny John) – Working in uncharted space exploration was not as exciting as John had hoped, especially when it turned out to be mostly bot maintenance on uninhabited planets. However, the mystery of the repeated, unexplained malfunctions on planet BAK 2212 might turn out to be exactly the kind of adventure he'd been craving.

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending, Obsessive John) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time, Obsessive John) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...

Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (E, 159,368 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || 70′s Surfer AU || Period Typical Homophobia, Hawaii, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Professional Surfers, Gay John / Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John was a Sailor, Misunderstandings) – All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair. That's all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition. (PUBLISHED AS ‘The Sea Ain’t Mine Alone’)

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

Free Falling by twistedthicket1 (M, 203,574 w., 38 Ch. || Guardian Angels AU || Guardian Angel John, Fluff and Angst, Humour, Kidlock / Teenlock, Light Mystrade, Passage of Time, Possessive John, Drug Use / Overdose, Victor Trevor, Graphic Bullying, Big Brother Mycroft, Hard Drug Use, Depression, Possessive Sherlock, Possessive John, Panic Attacks, Nightmares/PTSD, Pining, Healing Abilities, Kidnapping, Violence, Torture, Blow Jobs, Virgin John, Emotional Development / Attachment, Mortality, Happy Ending) – All Guardian angels are born with a Chosen human. When this child is born, the angel comes into being to protect and care for them during their life on Earth. For John Watson, all he cares about in the world revolves around his Chosen, Sherlock Holmes. Watching him grow up though, the angel soon learns that God must have had a sense of humour the day he decided to make Sherlock, as trouble seems to follow him like a magnet wherever he goes. John can't decide what's worse, the idea of losing his Chosen one, or the fact that he may be breaking the most taboo law of heaven as he disguises himself as a human to better protect and befriend the beloved detective he's always watched from afar. He was meant to care for him. But what happens when caring evolves into something more? What happens when an emotion an angel is supposed to be incapable of possessing comes to life suddenly and viciously inside John's chest?

[zaikaglow]

Umbrageous

Pairing: Erwin x Reader (eventually Reader x Eren, Reader x Levi, Reader x Hange maybe more)

Summary: Your mom has married the ever handsome Erwin Smith but the two of you have started an illicit affair under her nose. As you become more jealous of being the other women you start to engage in office affairs to try and force Erwin's hand.

Content Warnings: Step dad! Erwin, alcoholism, size kink, cheating, pseudoincest

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

You barely have time to roll down the window before your friend, the tall boy with the long dirty blond mullet makes it to the shiny black SUV you're sitting in the passenger seat of in the dorm parking lot. “Hey y/n are you coming to the party tonight” he says nervously pushing his long fingers through his hair “oh hi you must be y/n’s dad, its nice to meet you, ya’know I can really see the resemblance there” he flashes a smile. Erwin winces at the comparison but it goes unnoticed by Jean who’s had his eyes on you the whole time. “Actually, Er-winny is my step dad, no relation” you say “I’ll be there tonight don’t wait up for me”. Jean drums his hands on the open windows “okay cool cool cool uh see you there”. As he starts to walk away you roll back up the window and you go back to looking at your phone with a bored expression, Erwin clenches the steering wheel and without looking at you says “who’s that boy”. Not looking up from your phone you reply “that's my friend Jean”. “Are you fucking that friend” Erwin grunts, “what do you care its not like youre not fucking someone else” you say never looking up from your phone keeping that bored expression that you know ticks Erwin off. Erwin moves his hands from the steering wheel and places his forehead into his palms “how many times do we need to go over this y/n, if I divorce her and the court finds out about this'' he removes one of his hands from his forehead and moves his two fingers in a circle “I’d be ruined they wouldn't care you were over 18 when we met. They’d label me a pervert I’d lose everything, I could go to jail” he places his hands back on the steering wheel and turns his blue eyes towards you “please at least give me till after you graduate. Things would look less bad after that, just play along a little longer y/n please”. You finally glance up at him from your phone, the desperation in his voice softening your resolve to ignore him “fine but only because I hate that bitch, and I guess it's fun sneaking around, trying not to get caught” your eyes go back to you phone in your lap.

You had always had a rocky relationship with your mother, always choosing flings with random men and booze over you. You swear you had been raised more by a television than you ever had her, you had been off to our first year at university when you had only gotten a text from her announcing that she was getting married. Honestly you couldn’t have cared less expecting it to be another fling with some guy and they’d be divorced in under 2 years just like the last 3 guys. But when you met this new guy things were different. Erwin Smith was tall, muscular, and a beautiful example of a man. At first when you and your mom had moved in things were awkward to say the least, you kept your distance from the man feeling guilty with how much you coveted your mothers new husband avoiding him through the obnoxiously large house. Until one day in the kitchen when two large hands placed themselves besides you at the counter. He had lowered his head to your ear, the stubble of his jaw brushing against your neck whispering in a hushed tone “you know it's rather rude to go and ignore the man whose house you're living in”. You had turned around to face him and something wicked had come over you, maybe it was the heat growing between your thighs that had made you as so bold as to tilt your chin down and look up behind your lashes and say “I’m sorry daddy I guess I’ve been a rather bad girl”. That was the day he had taken you into his study, sat you on his desk and stripped you bare, it would also be the first time you would choke attempting to fit his large cock down your throat. Thus began your affair with your mothers husband, of sneaking around the house when she wasn't home, once even having sex in their bed while your mother was passed out on the couch after one too many glasses of wine, now you sat in his car after he drove you back to campus after renting a hotel last night for the two of you to share. “You're so busy with work darling and I know y/n is having such a hard time at school right now and you're so worried about her, it's such a far drive I'll spend the night taking her for breakfast. I’m sure then she'll be fine until winter break. Yes I’ll let her know you miss her”. Such a simple lie that made him look like the doating step father when in reality you had spent last night with your hand fisted in his hair trying your best to fit his massive cock into your tight little cunt.

Erwin takes his wallet out of his jacket pocket pulling out a black card and holding it out to you between his pointer and middle fingers. “How‘s about instead of that party you just go ahead and treat yourself to some new clothes”? Your elbow is against the window propping your head up with your right hand “Well department stores close waay before the times that parties start so I guess it's a no brainer”. Erwin signs “just take it” you reach out and take the card sliding it next to your student ID card in the pocket on the back of your phone. “You're coming to get me for winter break in a few weeks right” Erwins hand moves to the back of your neck “Of course princess, your mom won't be leaving on any work trips during break so you can come to the office with me, how does that sound”? His hand now rubbing small circles on the back of your neck “it would probably be a bad idea for me to kiss you here, don't exactly need another one of your little friends walking by to see”. Your hand pulls the door handle as you say “Okay bye daddy, Ill see you in a few weeks” Erwin chuckles and shakes his head as he places both hands back on the steering wheel “you know I really hate when you call me that princess”

@alert-arlert​