#i gotta start attaching myself to happier characters

[theelastword]

something new about aziraphale that i’m getting emotional over on this fine night (no one is shocked): i cannot stop thinking about the first scene of season 2. specifically i cannot stop thinking about the fact that even then, in a moment where both he and crowley even looked younger due to their innocence / lack of doubt or questioning just yet, aziraphale is already doing somersaults to worry for those around him. he doesn’t even KNOW this angel, and the idea that crowley could get in trouble for asking questions shouldn’t occur to him yet, but he’s still so burdened by anxieties and doubts for other peoples’ well-being and conditioned to protect others at his own expense (not to mention eerily close to seeing through Heaven for what it is). aziraphale is so fundamentally good, worrying about other people and caring about them before the very idea that bad things could happen to a fellow angel SHOULD have ever crossed his mind in the first place. and to me that disproves all notions that aziraphale is naive, because he’s been tragically aware since before the Beginning— and before crowley. which makes moments like the post-Job “what does that make me” scene even sadder because by all accounts, if aziraphale was familiar with what it’s like to doubt and worry before the Fall even happened, before he ever should have known what those things were, then he should have been one of the angels to fall, right? Wondering and doubting and worrying about things leads to a Fall, right? Only he didn’t. In a world in which there’s a line dividing doubtless, brainwashed, ��happy” angels from doubtful, too-curious-for-their-own-good demons, aziraphale might just be the loneliest being in existence. he’s quite literally the sole person (that we know of) who stayed an angel but is forced to carry a burden that never should have been his, that NOBODY around him in Heaven has to carry. and he can’t ask about it because now he knows for sure where asking questions leads you, but he probably doesn’t understand why he has to carry that burden in the first place. the one he’s been carrying it since before Earth was even created.

[cry-stars]

001 you know me I gotta ask for Clive/Flora :3

I was hoping you would... :D Thank you for indulging me, and I’m sorry for this essay ^^

when I started shipping it if I did:

Long story… I was playing through all of the PL games this spring for the first time in years, and found myself really liking Flora, far more than I’d ever liked her when playing the games as a kid. Then, when I got to UF, I found myself getting really attached to Clive as well. Not only did I love both characters, but I really liked their interactions; I’d been getting upset about how much Flora was left behind, and lo and behold, “Future Luke” tells Luke that Flora should be included on the adventure, and that she’s allowed to be excited, etc. 

Clive kept on sticking up for Flora, and they seemed to get along really well (not to mention all of the cute little moments they had together, like on the stairs to the Thames Arms), and I was getting really invested in their relationship. Then Clive went completely off the rails, and even though I knew this was coming, I honestly felt as upset and confused as Flora did. I wanted to hear his apology, and I wanted to see more out of a relationship that I felt had so much promise. 

my thoughts:

I absolutely love Clora; I haven’t been this excited about a ship in a long time. I adore both characters, and the similarities in their backgrounds are just perfect for writing about; they have so much to bond over. They have a really cute and wholesome dynamic in UF, before they really knew each other, and I love the idea of that continuing and developing into something deeper as they slowly get to know the real versions of each other. 

At first, Flora’s angry and confused, and Clive is lost in self-hate and regret; he’s just messed up so much already, and there’s no way that he can ever apologize correctly. But Flora just refuses to give up on getting the closure she needs, and just keeps on coming back until she gets it. They’ve got the perfect balance of in-game hints where the pairing isn’t pulled out of nowhere, and also open-endedness where there’s lots to explore as a writer. 

I think they’d definitely need a lot of time before ever starting a romantic relationship. While there were little hints at the ship in the game (I think), romance was the farthest thing from Clive’s mind at the time (I don’t think he’d ever been interested in anything of the kind before), and it was Flora’s first proper adventure. Their falling-out in the game really solidifies the fact that they need a lot of time to process things and get to know each other all over again. I’d want them to become good solid friends first before going anywhere near romance. After that, though... ugh, the mutual pining would be so good, ahhh...!

What makes me happy about them:

So much. I really love how on the surface, Flora is the “cute” one and Clive is the “prickly” one, but really, they aren’t that different. Flora has a lot of issues and a lot of pain in her past like Clive, and Clive also gets deeply attached to other people (especially his family) like Flora does. I think that they have so much potential to help each other open up and deal with the difficulties from their pasts, and support each other when the other is going through a rough time. And honestly, they’re just really adorable together. They’ve got such a nice mix of sweetness and angst, and I just love thinking and writing about them.

(Also they’re holding hands in one of the end credits scenes...! I so rarely ship anything with any canon evidence, so that, and all of Clive’s little “Don’t worry, Flora” comments in the game just make me really happy).

What makes me sad about them:

Hhh…. I just think that Clive messed things up SO bad. He messed up from the beginning. It’s not even just the kidnapping part; that could probably be (generously) explained by Clive suddenly deciding that he didn’t want Flora to get stomped by the Mobile Fortress (although he should have told her/just not used the Mobile Fortress, but okay). It’s that he was pretending to be “Future Luke” all along, and, due to Flora’s past of having people she cares about replaced by lookalikes (Dahlia replacing her mom, herself being replaced by Don Paolo (and Luke gleefully showing her the Flora mask on the train ride home!), and less traumatically, Don Paolo replacing the professor), I think that “Big Luke” suddenly turning into “Clive” would be really upsetting for her. 

Despite all of that, though, all Flora asked for was an apology--and then the two of them never get to talk again. I don’t know… I’m just sad that they seemed to get along so well before, and if Clive had been able to say sorry right then, maybe they could have parted on better terms than they did, just like Clive and the professor got to. Instead, we don’t get any apology or closure. Flora deserved an apology.

things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Ugh, SO many things. There’s about 100 stories with both characters tagged on ff.net, and I can only really recommend about ten of them. At best, it’s a generic “bad boy/good girl” dynamic, or Clive is suddenly super nice and Flora is incredibly ditzy, and at worst, Clive’s abusive. (please don’t read the earliest ff.net stories, no matter how desperate you get.) 

Admittedly, people are very critical of Clora at the best of times, so I feel like there’s a higher standard for it than there are for other pairings. I just feel like Flora often gets written as the “everygirl,” sort of as a reader-insert that gets to date Clive. Or, Clive is a total woobie who gets immediately forgiven by Flora with no resistance at all. Honestly though, as long as it’s obvious that someone is trying their best to keep them in-character and on equal footing, I would be happy to read anyone’s take on them. They are a difficult pair to write, I think, so I don’t expect anyone to get it perfect (since there really is no perfect way to write them).

things I look for in fanfic:

Ideally? Just like 10 Years. The slow burn, the hard work to earn forgiveness, the friendship, the attention to their similarities, the acknowledgement of both of their traumas… boy, I will never stop recommending that story. I’m so glad it exists; it’s given me so many ideas and it addresses all of the things that make me feel bad about the pairing. 

Outside of that fic… I just want acknowledgement of what Clive did wrong, him working to fix it, and them starting to understand each other and grow fond of each other. (Also… lots of angst and hurt/comfort, haha, but that’s me with every type of fanfic). Conversely, I’d like to just see them doing cute things together or going on an adventure without talking about the past constantly as well; once the apology is over, they don’t have to constantly return back to the past. I feel like Clora is a super good candidate for slow burn as well; I loved it in 10 Years and I’d love to see another take on it.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

Honestly no one… when I really like a ship, I can’t multiship without getting sad, haha… :’) 

My happily ever after for them:

I’ve got several different AUs for them, but for one of them, I’d like to see them get married and move to St. Mystere. They can work together and take over Bruno’s job of repairing the robot residents and take care of the village. They’d visit and be visited by the professor and the rest of the family frequently, but I think that they’d both be happier away from London. I think Clive interacting with the Reinholds would be really funny too, haha… I do have a longer story I still want to write too, though, so my ideas for a happy ending for them may change a lot as I write.

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

It’s a 60-40 split, with Flora being the little spoon slightly more.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

I think they try to learn how to be good cooks together. Flora was never good, obviously, but I think that Clive also only knows how to cook the basics (lazy rich kid). Once Clive starts living with the professor, though, he realizes that it’s pretty much going to be up to him to feed this family, because the professor forgets to cook, Flora’s bad at it, and Alfendi’s a baby. He starts to work at getting better, and Flora decides to practice more too, and they wind up competing with each other. They also use each other as test subjects for the food they want to give to the professor (it’s okay if they give each other food poisoning, but the professor? Perish the thought!) By the time Alfendi’s a little kid, they’re both half-decent, but still make fun of each other’s cooking, and Alfendi will pick a side with whoever he’s feeling more charitable towards at the time. 

They also have unscheduled midnight tea time at least once a week. Clive doesn’t sleep a lot, and Flora wakes up during the night quite often, so she often comes downstairs to find him pacing around, and makes a pot of tea. Sometimes she’ll go up again after having a cup, and sometimes they fall asleep on the couch together.

[hangmanshoney]

So after A LOT of binge-watching and a little avoidance of reaching the end of season 4, tonight I finally watched season 4 episode 23 closely followed by season 5 episode 1, and I guess you could say my heart is broken? (All you OG Chicago pd / Linstead fans I FEEL your pain now, like I get it, my heart HURTS).

I think I was so apprehensive to watch these episodes until now because I’ve seen gifs & clips & obviously knew about Sophia leaving (still not over this but SO happy she’s happier now!!). But I gotta say that watching them, especially one after the other, KNOWING how it was gonna go down & seeing Jay so quietly distraught, seriously left me with like this sinking feeling in my stomach? And I swear to god I don’t know how it happened, but I am SO attached to these characters & this show now and I just😩😭.

But, BUT! Then there’s the addition of Hailey to the unit, which is something I’ve been dying to see because the first time I really started getting into Chicago pd was because I somehow ended up watching a couple of season 7 eps after being intrigued by the replays of old law & order svu / Chicago pd crossovers from a couple of years back. And I’ve kinda felt myself starting to get attached to her the way I did to Erin, the more I watch fan edits & clips etc.

So now I’m torn, so completely TORN because I miss Linstead & they will forever have a piece of my heart, but I’m also SO EXCITED to finally see the beginnings & growth of upstead.

Basically I just can’t tonight okay? Tonight has literally been like an emotional rollercoaster, it’s ridiculous😂.

But on the bright side I’ve even got my mom interested / slightly invested in Chicago pd now. She’s currently diehard Linstead (I mean me too, but what’s new?😂) so ima have to try and get her to accept that Hailey’s good for Jay too and eventually she’ll love upstead as much as me😂.

Okay seriously, I’m done with the rants / spams for the night now. I need sleep😂.

[lesbians-lets-go]

Hi! I'm 28 and I'm hella confused. I've been with my bf for 6+ years but lately I'm thinking I might be at least bi. Reasons include being more and more repulsed by sex and the thought of penises, wanting to be a lesbian because I could live without men, feeling like something is missing from my relationship I just don't know what, etc. How can I be sure I'm into women without jeopardizing this relationship (also, covid -.-)? I've kissed girl friends before (for fun), I find women gorgeous (especially butch women) but the thought of sex with women stresses me out (I can't imagine what it would be like, if I could ever be good at it). I'm not even sure I really like men, I've had crushes and bfs but do I like them *really* or am I just into the feeling of being wanted? Sex with men never gave me satisfaction, I always felt like I'm playing a role, but I don't know if this is because 1) bad partners 2) trauma 3) being into women. I've always been into more sensitive, caring guys and right now I feel like this relationship is more like being roommates, with the occasional kissing (haven't had sex in a year). I've always felt very protective about lesbians (and gay men) and I've started to really question myself when I caught myself looking at a friend of mine differently (when I first met her I thought she was a lesbian (she isn't)). I'm scared to find out the truth, I'm not emotionally and financially prepared to end this relationship and be alone and start dating again should I turn out to be into women...

Oh shit girl are you me?

I've been in almost the same situation and honestly there's no simple answer because there's so so so many layers to it.

The hard truth is that unless you're ready to cheat there's no way to find out. I cant help you with that route because even though I considered it, it was too stressful for me to go any further than harmless flirting.

The second hard truth is that simply going out and having sex with a woman won't make your situation any more clear. It's unlikely that you're gonna have such mind blowing sex that you're going to stop wondering what your deal is.

What I think we know for certain is that you're stuck in a relationship that you're not happy with. Whether it is because you're not into men in general or that man in particular, or if your relationship with sex is a bit weird due to trauma or just due to you being wired a little bit differenly than most doesn't really matter. Are you going to be any happier in this relationship if you find out that it's just your boyfriend that doesn't do anything for you sexually, but some other dude does?

I think the relationship that you're stuck in is the top layer that covers all the other issues and if I were you I'd start with peeling it off first. You're most likely gonna find out some really crazy shit underneath but sooner or later you will uncover what you truly desire with no extra bullshit attached to it.

Loneliness, trying to date when you're no longer a kid in college or a woman in a big city, being financially dependent on your partner are absolutely awful, I know. I've been there and I was dragging the relationship for way too long because I was too scared to lose the stability, emotional support and well, a place to live. I even started this Tumblr even though it's a bit childish because I was so desperate to share this burden with someone. But it all gets too much eventually, even if you're completely straight (which, by the way, I think is completely impossible. ive not yet met a straight woman who questioned her sexuality when a man couldn't satisfy her).

I still haven't fallen crazy in love and still haven't found a woman that'd completely satisfy me but not having to play a character in front of a boyfriend is honestly better than an orgasm.

You gotta make a list with pros and cons of the relationship and be brutally honest about it. And then decide if finding out is worth the trouble.

I wish I could give you something better but this is the best I got unfortunately. If you ever want to talk, im here.

[berrymeter]

oh yea!! recs i've only seen TOL, 2gther, Gifted, Shipper(this is one weird ass show), and currently watching I'm tee, me too in thai do u have other recs?? oh and btw if you're watching FOE i gotta say that the good things are the male lead, female lead, the daughter, the romance, the pacing, the direction; the plot is good but kinda weird (but hey it's a kdrama), bad: the villain is unrealistic and tropey (3)

ooooh i haven’t seen shipper and i don’t think i’ll watch i’m tee me too bc i try to avoid new as much as i can adhjkshfk i’m def tempted to watch it for offgun and tay tho..... tho tay is on thin ice ngl

okay this is going to get long i’m so sorry apparently i can’t put a read more on asks??? what the fuck is this staff fix this

hmmm for show recs i would... ironically say dark blue kiss (i haven’t seen kiss me again or kiss the series but from what i know those are the happier parts of the ‘franchise’... don’t ask why i only watched dbk i don’t know HKJDHGJ). i watched it before i knew new is an asshole and anyway i got really attached to the side pairing, and all the female characters are honestly written so well! i fucking love the little group that is sun, mork, rain and manaow they’re literally the BEST. now the main plotline is honestly annoying and i skipped petekao’s scenes a lot but i love the “antagonist”... like he’s a troubled kid and does very bad things but i understand him and i just fhdfkgjh feel bad for him. khai formated my brain to feel bad for assholes

i also like until we meet again though it gets slow in the last few episodes until the last two, and also HUGE trigger warning for reccurring pretty graphic double suicide... i love the show but it could’ve done well without that many gunshots =_=. it’s super sad but also super feel good i find, all the characters are endearing as hell and there isn’t really a conflict between the characters except in the second to last episode - but like... if you watch you’ll understand what i mean dnsjkfh

i haven’t seen it yet but i really want to watch my engineer, i heard good things about it so i figure i could recommend it.....?? honestly i mostly want to watch it bc lay talay is super pretty but <3 i’m sure the show is great <3

love by chance is another show i liked tho do NOT watch the last ep of s1 i am begging. do not watch it. for ur sake. also the second season is airing rn and i haven’t started watching it yet but according to what i see on the dash the side pairing is going a LOT better than in s1 !! also warning for like, assault and blackmail :|, rare are the shows that don’t need warnings

and ooooh wait the stranded!! since you’ve seen foe which i think is on netflix i assume you can watch the stranded too!! it’s REALLY good and we Need a second season like yesterday. ummm PEOPLE DIE. and it’s kind of gross sometimes. also super sad as hell and it ruins u. but the show is AMAZING it has only 7 eps but like Holy Fuck i love this show so much. the antagonist is a loser but like that’s fine we can bully him

i’d recommend the untamed but that shit is LONG and i’m sure u’ve already heard of it fhdkjgh. if u want to watch HIStory the series, uhhh i’ve heard trapped is really good? make our days count was great but once again do not watch the last ep (bury your gays trope). i also ignore the side pairing bc not knowing the older dude’s age makes me want to Die. i really just have xiang haoting & yu xigu on the brain 24/7 this show gave me “i need a boyfriend” brainrot and i can’t get it to leave me alone

Ummm i NEED to watch mr heart and where your eyes linger so i’m telling you to watch them too dhskfhdkjg. ik wyel ended well so i’m like... crying everyday i don’t watch it (and yet i still don’t bc adhd says No <3). i also want to watch the king: eternal monarch but that’s exclusively bc woo dohwan is hot. my brain is out of recommendations for now so have all of this (and do not watch waterboyy or tharntype)

... anyway back to FOE <3 tropey villain... ah well i guess this had to be hdskjhgk. still i think i’m going to check it out even if the wife is a cop :/ everyone on here obsesses over criminal minds i can allow myself one (1) copaganda. i’m sure the daughter makes up for it i love kids sm

[iheartarrow]

Random Arrow thoughts

Ok, I'm freaking out a little bit... Someone, pinch me... IS THIS REAL?! This episode of Arrow came straight out of fanfiction. It is too good to be true... yet it is... true... I am overwhelmed and befuddled and feel like a lost puppy right now. Because in this season (especially in 6x03 and6x04), Arrow is apparently, granting wishes and many fantasies of mine have become canon.  No one has ever preparedme for this, this is why I'm freaking out, cuz what's next?!...

I know that the other shoe is gonna drop soon enough, and this bliss cannot last forever, that's just the way TVland works, and also, it's Arrow, our heroes can never be absolutely happy for too long, there has to be conflict to further the story along. And the formula is simple - the happier it is in the beginning, the worse it's gonna be later (before it gets better again). So I do know I have to prepare myself for the shit that's about to hit Olicity in a few episodes, probably after the crossover.

Anyhow, going back to 6x04, here are some of my thoughts during this episode..

- It should have been named "Let's get it on..." instead, LOL. How many times did they try to have desert and were interrupted?! Blue balls won't look good on Oliver, Arrow, have mercy!

- The episode opened with a "date", or more like a hookup, BS style. I gotta say, I liked the wig. Blonde Laurel looks like a bitch, brunette Laurel looks wickedly nefarious. I liked that, but why did she need a wig at all, this puzzled me? Or does she think, she looks more attractive to men with dark hair?! What was the purpose of that wig? Not to be recognized?! Well, then she kills people left and right with blond hair, so that's not it, right?!... Oh, I get it... KC wore the wig for the element of surprise, so the fanboys would guess her by her back and pee their pants happy that their beloved BS is back (or should I say, KC is back, cuz their fascination with her, that I will never understand, has become like a cult following). Anyways, this is done for one purpose alone. BS always likes to make a scene with her entrance (yes, she's a bit of an attention whore, didn't you know?!), this time they figured a wig will do the job for her as a "surprise" element. Whatever...

Arrow is already being redundant with BS, considering she's not even close to being the main villain, has no agency of her own and is just another mercenary for hire. As the guys from Slander Ent. pointed out, she's a glorified lackey. Arrow hyped KC's return to Arrow as a villain, so much, but the pay off doesn't match the hype so far. BS's storyline resembles that of LL already. Either give her some interesting storyline, or get rid of her like you did with Laurel. I liked BS at first, but the more I watch her (and as often as I watch her), the more she starts to suck, because there's no moving forward with her story, she becomes a stale character, just like LL had become, before they had to kill her off. Though, in this episode she didn't suck that much, and her fighting improved (though it was Katie's double who gets the credit, the fight scenes were so darkened out, so you cannot tell the double and the actual actor apart, but it was still too obvious Arrow, you cannot fool me). I feel like I have to make my peace with BS the way she is and not expect her to progress. She's here as an eye candy for the fanboys, a consolation prize anyways. But as she still is a  small part of Arrow's overall story, I would expect the show to have learnt their mistakes with Laurel (and KC) from the first time around, and not repeat them with BS.

- Oliver and Felicity's date... I think now I know why Felicity calls BS "evil Laurel", because of her timing.  Girl, couldn't you murder that poor sap some other time? William picked out the tie and wanted to go to dinner with Felicity, too... Awww, that's so adorable. And yep, the  mini-Oliver totally has a crush on his father's girl. I love the relationship Arrow is building between the three  of them! Oliver remembering that it's been three years since they had their first date... Squeee!!! "Don't jinx it!" LOL.

You know, I like that Oliver is still a bit nervous on their date. It's a good kind of nervous. He talks about not  having been ready for their relationship then, not like he is now. This tells me that he knows, and knew back then  too, that this is it, Felicity is "it" - the love of his life. So yeah, he is nervous in a "anticipating something  wonderful in your life"-kind of way. Plus, that gorgeous woman is in front of him being all adorable and super  sexy. But the status of their relationship is still unconfirmed. He looks at her for answer when the lady asks if  they are back together. And Felicity got "the hint", called herself the mayor's girlfriend. It's for us to hear and  for the Olicity haters. They are back together, so stop asking the stupid question, m'kay?! Get over it! There's also calmness to Oliver that I love. He's matured, more grounded. I cannot believe how much he's grown as a  person. Adrian Chase was one heck of a therapist, LOL.

That nice lady was us, for sure. While she was fangirling over Olicity, I thought it would be funny if the news  came out that Mayor Handsome and Miss Felicity Smoak are back together, with a poll attached to it, vote yes or no.  LOL Star City ships Olicity. Also, why isn't there a man patting Oliver's shoulder and whispering "Good job on  getting your girl back, son!"?!

- Oliver understanding how it was for Felicity when he had to bail on her and was "dangling maybies"... Now you  know Oliver. It sucked! And I think he felt kind of alone and bored and useless, while his woman was neck deep in  Arrow business and he just had to let her go, do her stuff. I think that is what got to Oliver the most - not being  able to be a part of the thing that brought them together in the first place. That's how they met, how they've  gotten closer and fell in love - because of Arrow business. And Oliver not only renounced that part of himself, he  also renounced the part that allowed them to connect and was the major part of their relationship, it's basis. In  S4 we saw how Felicity was struggling to live a "normal" life without Arrow business. She missed that part of her  life, that's why they returned to Star City and stayed. Now it's Oliver's turn to be sidelined. He liked living in  Ivy Town (on the surface), but after last year's crossover, Oliver realized that his life could be happy without  being the Green Arrow, but it will never be full. This season he had to give up the hood again. Except now it's not  because he wanted to, it was a sacrifice for the sake of his son. 6x04 showed how much Oliver actually misses being  the GA, the action and being usefull, already!

Now, putting a mask on and chasing Felicity in the club, or helping Slade-cockblocker-Wilson... how is it different  than being an active member of the team?! I don't get the logic of this. If you're out, you're out, Oliver. No  exceptions. He could as well get killed on the mission with Slade, then little William will be the one saying "told  you so!". Agrhhh...

- Those kisses... I love those smooches. Felicity, please kiss Oliver more like that! It's super adorable!

- I don't trust Alena. At all. Even after she was shot and was all cozy and friendly with Felicity, I still don't  trust the girl. Look, she is responsible for an Argus agent being horribly murdered. And her reaction to that death  was telling not nice things about the kind of person she is... Plus, she represents Felicity's past life, a rather  dark past. I don't want a constant reminder of that on the show, in small doses Alena is ok, but not as a permanent  fixture. Plus, this whole "breaking internet" thing was a set up by Cayden James, so it's obvious that either he  gave Alena that shiner and told her to get Felicity involved, or he knew that if Alena smells trouble, she'd go to  Felicity for help. And either way, she's a pawn in his game. I feel like if Alena isn't working for Cayden, and she  actually is clean, she's still a redundant character, because she doesn't bring to the show any new skill or  ability that isn't already an atribute of another character. So why keep her then?! "I thought you wanted to change the world, and look where you ended up..." I loved this burn! Why did Felicity  apologize for telling the truth?! Also, this line reminded me of when paralyzed Felicity was hallucinating Goth  Felicity. Goth Felicity said the exact same thing to her "you wanted to change the world, look where it got you..."  This Alena character reminds me of that Goth Felicity, but not in a good way. I really hope she won't drag Felicity  back to old hacktivist habits.

- Why doesn't KC wear her hair up in a ponytail more?! It actually looked nice, certainly nicer than her usual hair  down over one shoulder. She calls herself "Dinah", so why does the team insist on calling her "evil Laurel"?! Call  her evil Dinah then, she's here as a counterpart of the new BC anyhow, not of dead Laurel. This show has too many  Dinahs with same abilities, it's ridiculous, Arrow!

- Felicity spent more than half of the episode in that gorgeous red dress. She looked so out of place in it in that  club, and I loved it. It was very funny.

- Felicity should have asked for a backup while going to the club. Or at least telling her team where she's at. It  was irresponsible. And later at Helix, almost got herself and Alena killed. Granted, she couldn't have known that  it would be so dangerous, but still, she's going after someone who plans on killing hundreds of millions of ppl,  gotta think smarter, girl. I get why she would feel guilty. Not only she let out Cayden James, but after Havenrock,  if CJ manages to kill so many people, she would feel that it's on her, too.

- I loved Oliver's pep talk. Last episode it was with Diggle, now with Felicity. They both helped Oliver to become  the GA. And all that effort is now for nothing, eh Oliver?! Where the hell did Felicity get the idea that Oliver  was doing it all by himself?! He never did, well... he tried, but he never succeeded. He was killing ppl, until you  and John set him straight (and Tommy's death, too), he was a crappy brother most of the time, super crappy CEO,  failed as a boyfriend and a fiance, etc... So let's not pretend that Oliver wasn't a screw up just cuz he got his  act together this season, okay Arrow?!

- Helix Dynamics... Nope, not liking it. I got an immediate recall of Fringe's Massive Dynamics,tbh. Plus the name  Helix is rooted in Felicity's old life. Also, the name sounds rather ominous, like Kord Industries, where they make  all kinds of dangerous stuff that bad guys later steal. I hope Felicity will rename the company, it doesn't roll  off the tongue right.

- Michael freaking Emerson is amazing!!! I certainly got an evil Finch vibe from Cayden James. God, he's a cold  motherfucker. I do not believe that he "changed" because of Argus keeping him locked in a shipping container. Argus  locked him up for a reason, I wanna know what that reason is. He must have done something very very bad to earn  such treatment. Lyla isn't Amanda Waller. I would love for papa Smoak to come back and have a hack off paired with  Felicity vs CJ. It would be awesome. Also, I had an idea that Felicity will probably go to jail for hacking the  vault's firewall (and probably, other crimes too), and Noah might take the fall and go to jail instead of her. It's  the only way I see to redeem an absentee father like Noah.

Or Felicity will have to hide and lead a reclusive life until she figures out a way to clear her name with the FBI.  Or she's gonna be recruited by the FBI. Either way, it would be interesting storyline and I wonder how it will  affect her relationship with Oliver. I have a feeling Arrow might do something similar to what Smallville did with  Chloe's character - her leaving the team and just disappearing. Felicity might be forced to do the same. And it  won't be Arrow breaking Olicity up, just separating them for a while. Cuz it's Arrow and they can't let Olicity be  happy on the background all the time...

If we are correct, then Olicity is gonna get married in the LOT crossover episode. If so, then won't marital  privilege kick in then?! Oliver cannot testify against his wife, nor she against him...

- I really hate it when a side character is pointing out an obvious thing that all the fans have figured out long  ago, yet the main character haven't got a clue about... I'm talking about Alena pointing out that Felicity should  use her chip as an idea for helping people and get her company started. We've been cultivating this idea for 1.5  years, come on, Felicity...

- WTF is Arclight?! Damien's dome was called an Arc, right?! Maybe CJ was working for DD back then when the Arc was  being built, and that's why Argus locked him up?! "Arclight" does sound like a cult thing, LOL. And Darkh's zombie  population did look like cult followers...

- Loved all the grunting while Oliver dropped on the couch with hands full of Felicity!!! And the ass grabbing, and  her hand sliding to his front... This new time slot is paying off bit by bit. Slade cockblocking them was not cool,  Arrow!

- Did anyone else have a thought that Diggle's drugs might be provided by Cayden as well? He set up a trap for  Felicity in today's episode, Diggle will probably become addicted to that drug, and will be off the team as well.  Could be, Cayden will be picking all the team members one by one?

- The only thing, missing from this episode, was the repeat of the glorious line "It feels really good having you  inside me...". It was such a right episode with a perfectly set up circumstances to bring that line back. Arrow,  how could you miss this opportunity to remind us of such perfect comedic Olicity moment?

- Loved Oliver on the comms. He looked absolutely out of place behind Felicity's computers, but that was the point,  and I loved it. The learning curve and the funny Oliver, loved every second of that scene.

This was a very good, solid episode. The reversal worked perfectly. One of my favorites of all Arrow episodes!!  This season is gonna be so AWESOME!!!

@almondblossomme @hope-for-olicity @tdgal1 @taurusclh @geneshaven @eilowyn1 @felicitys @nalla-madness @coal000

[gxldencity]

Okay enough memes time to talk about mass effect before N7 day ends for me.

I started playing Mass Effect near the summer of 2013. I was 17 at the time and I had just finished playing Dragon Age II. I wanted to play another game while waiting for Dragon Age: Inquisition so I decided to check Mass Effect out. I already knew Mass Effect from the ending controversy, and from the Commander Shepard cardboard cutout I saw in front of EB Games. I just wasn’t interested at the time because it was a shooter game, and I didn’t really like shooter games. 

But hey, I gotta get myself obsessed over another series, right? The store didn’t have Mass Effect 1 for the Xbox 360 so I decided to get Mass Effect 2, and I was just trying to immerse myself in the series. Of course, I didn’t know what’s going on but still, I was hooked. I got the first Mass Effect a few weeks after, and Mass Effect 3 a month after. 

At the end of summer, I completed the entire trilogy twice with another one ready to go. It was one of the best games I’ve ever played, and to this day, I still get emotional about it. 

When I first played the games, I wasn’t comfortable about playing my own ethnicity. (Imagine that haha). It just...never occurred to me that I could play literally anyone I want. The Cousland origin from DA:O was still fresh in my mind, and I was afraid my Shepard would look out of place like my Warden did.

So my first Shepard was a redhead, had blue eyes and was White. I was just trying to make her look close to the default femshep as possible, with a few tweaks here and there. I enjoyed playing her but I didn’t really get that attached. For my second Shepard, I decided to play an Asian Shepard. She was Asian yeah but her ethnicity was ambiguous. So I wasn’t able to relate to her.

Then one day, while I was making a new Shepard in the CC, my brother was like “you should make a Filipino Shepard.” 

And I did. 

I based him off the main character from a Philippine TV show I loved as a kid, before I moved to Canada. I never finished it because the finale aired while we were on a trip. I named him “Andreas” because that was literally the first thing I thought of when I looked at him, but also because Andres was too...simple for me. (Andres is the name of one of our national heroes).

I enjoyed his playthrough a lot, and it was the first time I truly grew attached to a a protagonist. He was my canon Shepard for awhile before I forgot about Mass Effect, and focused all my interest in Dragon Age. 

Fast forward a two years later, I made my canon Shepard, Marikit. She has a Tagalog name this time. Okay I forgot why but I think it’s cause one of my mom’s friends is named Marikit and I’m a name stealer. I liked the name Marikit. She was based off a character from the same show...the LI of the main character. 

She was the first Shepard who I feel comfortable playing as, and who I can fully immerse myself into. She’s still fairly new, and I have a few more things I need to work out. However, I’m glad to have her as my canon Shepard. 

So even if I’ve ignored my first Filipino PC in games, I’m still thankful for that moment. Because if I didn’t make Andy that day, I wouldn’t be comfortable making more Filipino OCs. My Trevelyan, Florante and my Ryders, Gabriela and Jean would be completely different if not for that stepping stone. 

Thank you Mass Effect for letting me play who I want without bounds. No one’s gonna say Filipinos don’t exist in the world of Mass Effect because this is our world, except it’s in the future and in space. 

I can’t say how much thankful I am for this series. My life has been happier because of Mass Effect, and I’ve met so many friends through Mass Effect both online and irl. I remember when I was still working, I made a friend because we both loved Mass Effect. 

So thank you again! And here’s to 10 more years. 

@thankyoumasseffect

[ilovemybettafish]

As a victim of child abuse, I totally relied on books that were about unhappy kids getting taken away from their situation and finding new friends and family that treated them right. And like, it really helped me to have those little fantasy worlds to escape into, but it also trained me to look for saviors. Boyfriends, friends, cool teachers, kind aunts—finding literally anyone who could make me feel happy and safe and loved, and who I thought could give me a safer place to be became almost like an obsession. I became overly attached to and dependent on anyone who felt safe, which drove away a lot of wonderful ppl and left me vulnerable to a lot of bad ones. And that’s still something that I’m working on today with therapy and self awareness, but honestly, something that really helped me and gave me a different perspective on my situation was watching Zuko’s character development in Avatar the Last Airbender. Seeing a kid who had been through the same kind of physical and emotional abuse as me work through overcoming the habits he’d acquired from his trauma, stand up and tell his father that he was wrong and cruel, and then take a path all his own was empowering. It was like “yeah, I’m fucked up but I’m not broken and I don’t have to wait for someone to save me or fix me. I gotta fix myself.” It started a long road of self-reflection and developing my own coping skills until I was able to get away from my abusers. Then I moved across the country and started my own life. I haven’t completely cut ties with them yet. There’s a lot of obstacles and it’s still an emotionally hard thing for me to do, but the distance and the boundaries I’ve set have made my life a lot healthier and happier, and I took those first steps because of something I saw in a kid’s cartoon.

I wonder how much of that classic sense of, “I can have high expectations for how other people are treated, but view myself as trash,” comes from getting a lot of one’s basic lessons in love and empathy from books instead of peers

Like, I had almost no friends as a child, so I sat alone at recess, not playing with other children or being treated as worthwhile or interesting. The part of my brain that was supposed to encode my own personal experiences of being loved and treated well grew cobwebs while I was around other kids. So I brought library books out onto the playground with me.

Books saved me—books taught me that there were worthwhile friendships out there, and what they were like. I could tell when the characters deserved better. Books were like an author bottling up love and attention for me so I could open it up when I needed it. So I was kept entertained and learned what they looked like for other people.

But that didn’t change my own circumstances. Reading about someone being comforted when they were sad was very different than feeling someone else’s arms around me when I was crying. No matter how fiercely I wanted my life to be like the books I read, it wasn’t.

So I learned: There is a reality of love and care for other people, and there is a reality of loneliness and sorrow for me.

So no wonder I had a double standard for a lot of things in my life. My education in love was strictly bifurcated, and the important dividing line was whether a scenario included me, personally.

If true, this has all kinds of implications when it comes to treating the lonely love-starved bookworm, so I wonder.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

I think I wrote some headcanons here that I haven’t told to many people just yet too

PLEASE REPOST, DO NOT REBLOG!  Feel free to add to any of your answers!  The purpose is to tell your partners about the way you write!  For the multiple choice ones, BOLD all that apply and, if you want, italicize if it’s a conditional answer!

– B A S I C S –

NAME : Ele ARE YOU OVER 18?   Yes / No IS YOUR MUSE?   Yes / No

ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU WRITE WITH? No (anyone) / Semi (most) / Yes / Highly / Private (mutuals only)

ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU FOLLOW? No (anyone) / Semi / Yes / Highly / (I only follow people I want to roleplay with. Also sometimes blogs with muse-inspiration things)

IF YOURS IS A CANON MUSE, HOW MUCH DO YOU STICK TO IT? Not at all / A little / Some / Mostly / Strictly / (OC)  (I go au about some facts that I prefer to think didn’t happen, I give my own interpretation of some of her reactions and lines she says that might have no canon confirm, I love AU threads and when I start threads based on the episodes they go off canon eventually because otherwise nothing would happen, plus because I write a blog and not write a tvshow with lots of characters I can focus on all her issues and develop them. So the result is a different Jemma, I guess - though it is fun that some things I wrote during s2 came true in the last two seasons. I cursed her) 

WHAT POST LENGTHS DO YOU WRITE? One Liners / Single-Para / Multi-Para / Novella (often the longest it is, the more it tames for me to be able to reply, other times I can only find inspiration for the one novella thread. I just know I can’t keep things short for long, I don’t like one liners, and sometimes I need short threads but they end up getting longer the more Jemma feels/thinks/says) 

DO YOU USE ICONS AND/OR GIFS? No / Gifs / Icons / Gif icons (whatever the other person uses. Normally I post starters with icons)

DO YOU WRITE ON OTHER PLATFORMS? No / Yes

WHAT LEVEL OF PLOTS DO YOU WRITE? Un-plotted / Open-Ended Plots / Semi-Plotted / Fully Plotted (I can definitely write all of these BUT really, it’s so hard to predict actual reactions characters will have once we are writing and specific sentences are said, that in the end I just prefer having a general idea and then letting the thread develop... even if sometimes it means that the careful plotting part goes to hell because when we write the talk they have they take one word wrong or suddenly decide to say things I hadn't plotted for them to say, and it doesn't feel true if I don't follow what feels right for the character on the spot. So 'we have this fight and then they part ways for a while' can turn into 'oh look she said I love you and they are together now, because he had a sad face'. That's fun too. Though I definitely enjoy going to fangirl in private chats and write about 'hey imagine if this happens' and discussing facts that don't get to be written in long-term threads)

HOW QUICKLY DO YOU USUALLY RESPOND TO THREADS? Very Slow (< a month) / Slow (3–4 Weeks) / Average (1–2 Weeks) / Fast (>One Week) / Very Fast (>Three Days) (THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN. I have threads for MONTHS that I can’t reply to but I don’t want to drop because I know inspiration might strike, and that I don’t expect people to keep up once I reply. Or sometimes I just gotta reply instantly or the reply is gone forever.)

WHAT TYPES OF THEMES DO YOU LIKE? (Feel free to add!) Fluff / Angst / Smut / Action / Tragedy / Domestic / Family / Conversational / Hurt-Comfort / Crack / Adventure / Romance (Hurt comfort turning into romance is my thing. Same as ‘friends who are family’. When it comes to action, I get bored after a while if there is no time for characters to talk, the tvshow has already so much actions anyway, what I'm interested in is making characters talk, develop feelings, clear misunderstandings, be happy. Exactly because the tvshow doesn't do that as much. Also tragedy up to a certain level because otherwise there is just no more growing from there, so it's complicated, I can't write 50 replies with Jemma trying to keep someone from falling apart without getting tired and sad myself, given that I already had too many threads like that and that it's dangerously close to real life, and I can't write too much tragedy for Jemma or for people close to her without them realistically losing any hope and chance to make it, so there has to be a limit. And I need the happy ending. Though it's important to me to have a bit of everything in every thread: humor, fun, hurt-comfort, some angst, lots of talking, some action -sometimes bad stuff happening and them having to deal with it- as long as in the long run it's clear that it's building something nicer and happier with less pain coming. Like okay, now that the danger is over, let's be all cute and fluffy, then let's deal with this emotional issue from your past, then there is comforting, then there is more nice stuff, then facing some other problem together instead of fighting. And so on.)

WHAT GENRES DO YOU LIKE? (Feel free to add!) High Fantasy / Supernatural / Science Fiction / Historical / Horror / Comedy/ Romantic / Drama / Action / Adventure / Espionage / Everything (this seems a lot like the previous one?)

THEMES YOU’RE UNCOMFORTABLE WRITING? (not triggers) No / Yes (I don’t write threads with one of our characters abusing the other - unless through brainwashing and even then only in a physical or emotional way. And I prefer not to write too much about death, about torture while it’s happening unless I’m the one writing it so I can get away from it if necessary. I’m very okay with recovery from it, though. Oh, also, I’m not extra comfortable writing characters who cannot be comforted, or refuse help for too long/until the end because I get anxious about where the thread is going, and also writing about fussy kids, as weird as that can sound.)

DO YOU HAVE ANY TRIGGERS?  HOW SHOULD IT BE TAGGED? No / Yes (Though I appreciate people tagging content non suitable for work so it’s not right in my face, and other triggery things in general)

– S H I P P I N G –

WHAT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO? Romantic / Platonic / Familial / Physical / Sexual (I’m a fan of friends or frenemies with benefits turning into romance in the sappiest way tbh)

WHAT TYPES OF PRE-ESTABLISHED SHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO? Romantic / Platonic / Familial / Physical / Sexual (depending on how much me and the other mun plotted before, or how much we wrote in the past, so I know they won’t assume stuff that is not true for my Jemma)

DO YOU HAVE OTPS? No / Chemistry only / Yes (a bit of both, chemistry made Jemma/Ward and Jemma/Hunter and Jemma/Mace happen in the past and they became OTP too because I get super-excited about my ships)

DO YOU HAVE NOTPS? No / Yes / I don’t know (I’m not writing Jemma/Will unless plotted as a past ship that ended after the planet whether he was saved or not and only in verses where she had no romantic attachment to Fitz nor any other character - like when I write her ending in the planet in au verses where she is dating Ward or Hunter? Nope. Also Jemma with Coulson, May, Daisy, Mack, Bobbi? Nope)

WHAT IS YOUR MUSE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION? Heterosexual / Heteroflexible / Bisexual / Homoflexible / Homosexual / Pansexual / Demisexual / Sapiosexual / Asexual / Attracted to masculinity / Attracted to femininity / Attracted to androgyny / sex favorable / sex repulsed / (very, very attracted to men - it’s a particular form of attraction. While her eyes find aesthetically pleasing some muscular, symmetrical men, and she’s very open to sex especially no strings attached, she also gets particularly attracted to specific areas - for example, abs. Or arms. And her attraction is given by ‘looks + what she can do to that person or what the person can do to her’, like ‘oh he has such muscular arms he could pick me up so easily’. Which is why once she starts dating one person, other men are aesthetically pleasing but not attractive, because half of what causes her to be attracted - what they could do for her or viceversa - is missing and she has no interest in them. Someone's personality can also attract her, if they banter with her enough, and then she'll find their bodies attractive too, though. Enthusiastically so. But most of her life sex was just one way to either have fun or vent, so she just picked men she could tell would be 'entertaining' for one night, especially if they looked very masculine but gave her the impression that they'd let her lead.)

WHAT IS YOUR MUSE’S ROMANTIC ORIENTATION? Heteroromantic / Heteroflexible / Biromantic / Homoflexible / Homoromantic / Panromantic / Demiromantic / Sapioromantic / Aromantic / Polyamorous /romance favorable / romance repulsed (she didn't really understand love all that well, and when I write her either she has never been in love before Fitz, or if she's not with Fitz at all, she still doesn't get well how it works and will need time to understand how she feels, both because she's detached from her own feelings and because it's just so rare and unclear for her to feel, the 'symptoms' are nearly the same as her friendship ones given how strongly she feels about platonic friends. She’s close to aromantic.)

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WRITING SMUT? No / Selectively / Yes

HOW EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP DO YOU SHIP ROMANTICALLY Autoship / During Plotting / After A Couple IC Interactions / Several IC Interactions / Slow Burn / Depends on partner or muse (depends on the ship, and what me and the other mun feel, and a few interactions to check if there is a spark, something about both sass and being nice to each other)

ARE YOU OPEN TO TOXIC SHIPS? No / Selectively / Yes

ARE YOU OPEN TO PROBLEMATIC SHIPS? (canon history, age difference, complicated, etc.) No / Selectively / Yes (depends on the mun and the plotting we do)

ARE YOU OPEN TO POLYSHIPPING? No / Selectively / Yes

ARE YOU AN EXCLUSIVE SHIPPER? No / Sometimes / Yes

DOES CRACK SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN? No / Sometimes / Yes (but only because I don’t write crack, if crack here means interactions that are just written for a laugh, I can’t write Jemma outside of ‘my’ canon)

DOES CROSSOVER SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN? No / Yes / Depends (it sure as hell would if I wrote with characters from other fandoms)

tagged by @lovelornrocketscientist

@tagging @siinfvl @desecratedpatriot @whiskeyandtwoshotglasses @secondchaircellist @marvelcusmuses @melinda-q-may 

[ibroughtthisonmyselfpixels]

Episode 1 Replies

I have a lot of them today (and counting; I’ll do a follow-up if by an off-chance I get any more)... including replies to ‘Shenanigans’! Or, in this case...

@sevenleafsimblr replied to your photoset “And, caught in the loop of pining and penance, he also ‘misses’ the...”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

@jackssims replied to your photoset “And, caught in the loop of pining and penance, he also ‘misses’ the...”

*eye emoji*

sevenleafsimblr replied to your photo “This one’s fairly unassuming physically, as Monos go. Could blend into...”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

...’Ooo’s to Shenanigans. Ooo is a pleasant sound. I like Ooo.

@cafesimming replied to your photoset “Lyra: *rushing in, huge grin* “Lor, Lorelei, you gotta - it’s - out in...”

this is... surprisingly cute? for some reason? idk

I know what you mean. When either of the bachelorettes are excited about something, it can prove pretty infectious. And knowing ahead of time Lyra’s side is gonna fall apart, it’s hard not to feel a kind of... is poignancy the right term? About her joy here?

sevenleafsimblr replied to your photoset “Catherine: “This garden is pleasant enough. The right number of each...”

pure

the purest thing

@onemoreordinarysimblr reblogged your photoset and added:

My child! I’m so excited to see what happens.

Me too! I wonder how far Troy will get, and how much trust he’s able to put into Lorelei. Will we ever be able to hear his voice? Will he want her to? Who knows?

@bountifulberries replied to your photoset “Lyra: “…Felicity? You’re Felicity, right?” Felicity: “Uh- y-yeah. Is -...”

Felicity is So Cute

Isn’t she? I’d hug her if she were in the real world.

jackssims replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “Okay, I don’t… don’t think there’s any more out here. I...”

Portal and mascot? That's a double whammy

Mascot: Hey, what’s up, I just got here for my obligatory cameo-

Portal: *happens*

Mascot: Oh shit, never mind

cafesimming replied to your photoset “*screeching* Lyra: “Shiiiit, knew I should’ve locked that door… Okay,...”

lavandar looks very unhappy about whatever shes doing on that guitar

Very sad strumming, from the looks of things. Maybe Lorelei could teach her some happier tunes one day.

sevenleafsimblr replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “You. The- you’re not, you haven’t touched my stuff?”...”

can i just say i LOVE that their 1st big appearance is in that weird fckn swimsuit i picked for her

Ginerva the Chameleon

jackssims replied to your photoset “Ginerva: “So, how’s it feel to have an Ebonywood in the ranks?”...”

I love Ginerva

Ginerva the loved!

@sinnermcsinner replied to your photoset “Name: Emily Trophy Competing for: Lorelei...”

Question: how are you still disabled if you have a fake arm that acts like a real arm?

I get... zero percent of the logic behind this question. Even looking past the fact that Emily also has autism, another disability, so would still be disabled in that regard irrespective of her prosthetic... do substitutes for the parts that are not there / have stopped working automatically make someone no longer disabled?? By this logic, you could ask “How are you still disabled if you have a wheelchair that acts like / for your legs?” or “How are you still disabled if you have fake neurotransmitters in pill form that act like real neurotransmitters?” I mean... I don’t... what?

I don’t get you. I don’t think you even go here.

bountifulberries replied to your photoset “Name: Eden Lee Tisdale Competing for: Lorelei Ambassador: @melien ...”

I agree with fluffy

(On a totally unrelated note, did you know that Despicable Me came out seven years ago? Wild.)

@melien​ reblogged your photoset and added:

A great start for Eden Lee! Loving the challenge so far, the dialogues are so lively and the contestants are interesting to watch.

(Random fun fact: I have a Bichon Frise pup at home, it can’t be a coincidence! Maybe it’s just him but he never bites, however is a grumpypants and barks a lot :P)

It actually was a coincidence! :O I suppose different puppies have different temperaments. Lyra’s just happened to be bitey.

cafesimming replied to your photoset “Emily: “–ah!! Okay, I think… I think I got the right day this time....”

... yeah, probably

Time Paradox disablers are very important for time travel. A theory of mind is even better. And if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.

... I’ve never seen the Princess Bride.

@tiny-tany-thaanos reblogged your photoset and added:

Hey, Cornelia! Good luck to you!

I’m sure she appreciates it! 

cafesimming replied to your photoset “Eden Lee: “-think it’s silly, being here without a shirt? Part of me...”

tfw everyone is hot

There were a LOT of attractions flying around the tables. I was going to do what Jack did for Hart and make a list of who was attracted to who, but I lost count around the 30th heart-fart. Notable heart-farts that I did manage to get down are: 

Lorelei and Lyra (naturally.)

Emily, Scott and the uni mascot

Scott and Ginerva (one-sided, on account of Ginerva is gay as hell)

I think like seven people besides Lorelei were attracted to Eden Lee

Lorelei and Cornelia, and Lorelei and Felicity

Lyra and Kira, and Lyra and Ginerva

And, as seen below:

@futurecarrie replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “I mean, look at–” Lyra: “-look at them, Lor-!! Look at...”

Yas! Smol grumpy Russian child is stunning

Lyra, Lavandar, Felicity, and the entire audience find Katya blindingly stunning!

Additions: During the writing process of this episode, I consulted with most of the contributors of their Sims about their ‘first conversations’ with the bachelorette they were made for, in order to make sure I was characterizing them correctly, and avoiding errors in portrayal early on. Here are the receptions I have received, partly as reassurance for you and partly as reassurance for myself.

jackssims on Felicity: “You're doing great with her”

futurecarrie on Katya: “Yeah, that's pretty much how I imagined her”

cafesimming on Lavandar: “you have her characterization absolutely PERFECT! :D”

Clover on Ginerva: “the only note i have is that delano was in hart, not francis, but in terms of characterization, sounds good!” (little behind the scenes for you there.)

tiny-tiny-thaanos on Cornelia: “I think that you are doing everything correct I think that Cornelia is presented perfectly!”

@turtlepixels on Kira: “I really liked her interactions! They were cute and fit her personality pretty well I think! [...] I think you're doing a great job with her! I can't wait to see more!”

melien on Eden Lee: “Awww! That's actually the sweetest BC scene my contestants ever got *-* Don't worry, they're really in character and I can't wait to see more!” 

@berriesandbrownsugar on Emily: “My heart literally melted you have Emily down to a T”

Vidcund on Catherine: I have a lot of convo with Vidcund, but he said something along the lines of ‘GOOOOOD��.

My apologies if I didn’t contact you and ask about your character; it was probably because I wasn’t confident that you would be online for long enough periods of time, or at all, for me to be able to vet them with you. ...irrespective of that, though, these two pieces of feedback came unprompted, so that’s something!

onemoreordinarysimblr on Troy: “I just thought I'd let you know I think you did a great job characterizing Troy so far! The part where Lorelei talks about his wings was great.”

@simstrations on Scott: “Gah! You are making me like Scott so much! I wasn't really attached to him before and now I think I might be kinda sad if he dies. You're writing him so well thank you!”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I forgot breakfast, so I’m going to eat that and contemplate the benefits of switching to Queue 2.0 in an effort to unfuck future queues.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What type of criminal would you be? I wouldn’t be.

2. What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

3. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be? I’ll spare everyone from having to see this body of mine.

4. If your phone started ringing, who would you hope is calling? I don’t hope anyone calls. I get anxious when my phone rings.

5. Do you drink? Not alcohol.

6. Do you smoke? No.

7. What is the first thing you notice in someone? It’s not the same on every single person. <<<<<

8. Do you get attached easily? Yes. And I fall too hard, too fast.

9. Do you like your eye color? I wish I had blue or green eyes.

10. Have any stupid human tricks? What would be a “stupid human trick”, exactly? Whatever they are, I’m sure I don’t have any. I have no talents.

11. Humor me. What physical ideal do you imagine in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? I don’t have an exact type, really. I’ve been attracted to guys of different builds, heights, hair color, eye color, etc. Initially their physical appearance may catch my attention, but it’s the personality and we connect that I really fall for.

12. What type of personality traits do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Sense of humor, kind, caring, patient, understanding, helpful, trustworthy, loyal...all that good stuff. Someone I vibe with and just have that connection with, ya know?

13. Any other essential quirks/interests/other you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? I mean, they’d have to be able to put up with me for one thing. I can be moody and irritable. I’m annoying and sensitive. I have health issues they’d have to be understanding of. Someone who doesn’t mind just chillin at home and binge-watching together. Oh, and someone who respects that I need my alone time.

14. Any romantic gestures you really like? Compliments are nice, doing little things that let me know they think about me are nice, but I don’t care much for big romantic gestures. <<< I like this. Same. And bringing me coffee and/or food is good. ha.

15. Any sexual fantasies? Are you daring enough to share one? Nah.

16. Have you ever been in love? Yes. Twice.

17. Do you have a crush/romantic interest in anyone? Alexander Skarsgard.

18. What’s your sexual orientation (if you feel comfortable answering)? Straight.

19. What’s your favorite color and why? Yellow, teal, mint green, and pastels.

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? Blah.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? Yes. Quite often.

22. What were you like when you were a kid? I was quiet and shy. Not a whole lot has changed.

23. What would your dream house be like? Uhhh. Wooden floors and spacious enough. It doesn’t have to be a huge house with a bunch of rooms and such, but just one that my family and I could live in comfortably. Nice backyard.

24. What last made you laugh? Something on Tumblr.

25. Do you have a place you like to go to collect your thoughts? No, not particularly.

26. What is your favorite/least favorite word? I can’t stand the c**t word or the p***y word.

27. What turns you on? Blah.

28. What turns you off? Bleh.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No.

30. Would you go bungee jumping/sky diving if given the chance? Noooooooooooooo.

31. Do you have any siblings? I have two brothers.

32. Do you like to dance? No.

33. What is your definition of cheating? …probably about the same as everyone else’s. <<<<< Right? 34. Have you ever stolen anything? No.

35. Do you regret anything? A lot of things.

36. Do you have any phobias? Yes.

37. Ever broken any bones? Yes.

38. Ever come close to death? Yes.

39. What is your religion/spirituality, if any? Christianity.

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? No, but I’ve been wanting to for a long time.

41. Are looks important in a relationship? They’re not the most important thing, no, but I feel like there’s got to be some physical attraction. There’s more important things that keep the relationship going, but I can’t say looks don’t matter at all.

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? I have a lot of my dad’s personality traits. The negative ones.

43. What is your favorite season? Fall.

44. Do you have any tattoos? Nope.

45. Do you have any piercings? Just my earlobes.

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? One with the title, but I don’t really feel like it was a relationship. The one that felt more like one in some ways didn’t have the title because we weren’t actually together. Basically, zero.

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? On TV shows.

48. What is your favorite thing to do? Read and study the Bible, drink coffee, Tumblr, watch YouTube videos, read, and do surveys.

49. If you could only visit one place outside of your hometown, where would it be? Hmm. There’s a lot of places I’d like to visit.

50. Do you get jealous easily? More envious than jealous, really. I need to work on it.

51. What is your favorite type of food? Chicken tenders, burritos, and pizza.

52. Do you ever want to get married? I don’t know.

53. Who was your first kiss with? Derek.

54. How many people have you kissed? Three.

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? Just being with the person and enjoying each other’s company. If there’s food and/or coffee involved, that’s good, too.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert.

57. Do you believe in life on other planets, ghosts, or mythical creatures? I don’t know about life on other planets. I believe there are demonic spirits that you shouldn’t mess with. I don’t believe in mythical creatures.

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? Having a talent would be nice.

59. What is your saddest memory? Blah.

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? No.

61. Do you believe in soul mates? I don’t know if there’s one person out there you’re meant to be with.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? Many, many, many times over the years. I’ve dyed it once a month for the past two years, Well, I’ve slacked these past few months, but yeah.

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? No.

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? I don’t think so.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? It’s 4:09AM, I don’t feel like thinking about it.

66. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? Yes.

67. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes.

68. How long was your longest relationship? Sigh.

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half-empty.

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Play me a song on the piano or guitar.

71. Who is your most loyal friend? My mom.

72. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, what is your favorite thing about him/her? --

73. What is your favorite thing about your body and your personality? I like my red hair when the color looks good and my roots aren’t showing. I just wish I had the energy and motivation to do something with my hair besides just throwing it up in a pony tail all the time. I don’t know why i get it done and let my hair grow out (it’s really long now) when I don’t even do anything with it. What a waste.

74. Are you a bad person? I feel like it sometimes.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? A lover.

76. What did you do on your last birthday? My mom made my favorite dinner on my actual birthday and we had cake. Afterwards, I opened presents. Super chill and lowkey and I liked it. The following day we went to my favorite restaurant and invited my older brother and his boyfriend to join us.

77. What is your favorite quote and why? I don’t know.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? I hate this question. I means seriously?

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? Gah just one thing? Though, I suppose there is one thing that led to a series of other things that I’d like to change.

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? I’d be too upset and scared to do anything else.

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? I’ve had many.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? I’m just not happy in general. A relationship isn’t going to change that. I need to work on things within myself.

83. Who were you in a past life? I don’t believe in past lives.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? Just being a kid.

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? That’s the only kind I know. Both times I’ve been in love, the feelings were not returned.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? No.

87. What is the story behind one of your scars? Spinal surgery.

88. What is your ideal career? I don’t know. That’s the problem. 89. Do you want kids? I don’t know.

90. Are you conservative or liberal? --

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? Who am I to say.

92. How do you feel about PDA? I don’t mind some PDA.

93. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? No hate.

94. Where would you like to live? I’m not sure, but it’s not here. By here I mean the city in which I live.

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? Sweden.

96. Describe yourself in one word. Sensitive.

97. Describe yourself in one sentence. I have make things complicated.

98. Where do you see yourself in five years? I gotta take it a day at a time, buddy.

99. What is your greatest accomplishment? I don’t feel like I have one.

100. What is the meaning of life? That’s for you to find out.

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

[ecotone99]

[HM] [NSFW] How To Stay Single By Being Yourself

I listened to her pack into the MUNI train, and before I lost her in a tunnel, I said, “Sayonara, sardine.”

What a thing to say to someone with whom you’ve never actually occupied the same space, at least to my knowledge. The whole pace of my life seems to be this way nowadays. A skip or a glitch or a miss, or a drunk wrong turn into the wrong drunk person to kiss. Then I slip into another relationship, another year lost monogamous with the wrong person, until I’m my old single self again, masturbating and playing video games for virtual and spermal accomplishments. Until it’s just sad and no longer nostalgic, and I give it up again and move on to taking placebo capsules, more commonly known as vitamins, trying to better myself, eat healthy; when I know in my heart, whether or not it’s connected to a clogged left anterior descending artery, I’ll die just the same. The antithesis of delusions of grandeur, whatever that is. Plus those aren’t things I should indulge in or contemplate anyway, and by now I should have been more than this, but at least it’s good I don’t have kids or a second mortgage, but then comparatively to happier lives than mine, maybe it isn’t.

Responsibilities warped, and I’m honestly just complacent. Had one insightful shroom trip three years ago, camping at the base of Mt. Baldy, ending in three friends coming down from the trip repeating the word ‘comfort’ in harmony, which really stuck with me, and now making enough money so I can afford things that might impress a woman so she’ll sleep with me - because I lack a societally accepted masculine personality, and the accompanying physique - doesn’t seem all that important. Unless she’s gorgeous, thinks I’m funny, holds my doors open for me, and makes sure I cum before her. Because she’s an all giving goddess who’s ultra into reversing the roles. Now I’m the one wearing the bra and being neglectful, and she’s the one that’s fearful I’ll leave her if she’s not careful; if she can’t become my idea of the perfect woman, which could only mean that she’s not really special, not to me or anyone. My 'I’ve truly lost touch with reality' true love. Imagine that. Even when I’m not really with anybody I can’t take a breath for myself. Romantically imaginative, removed but attached. Really I’m just a Little Bitch, but I capitalize the L and the B in that shit. I own my label. It’s my religion, my race, my gender, my age, and my sexual orientation, fluidly. It’s my username on Fetlife, but the original was taken, so I’m LittleBitchFoRealTho. Even though the trained eye would see that’s too many characters. And I don’t know why I have the urge to say this, but, stay woke.

Then I snapped out of it, took a minute to think of all the years I wasted lasting seconds during sex, for months at a time, counting down the femtoseconds until the relationship ends in high entropy. Either overpraised or overfed. Or not needed at all. Just a one night stand, just a bed, just a friend, not even with benefits, just a dude to bring home so she doesn’t have to yet accept and admit to her parents that she’s a lesbian.

Get older, continue to get high, watch The Neverending Story for the thousandth time, and go to bed early. Learning to be lonely. Perpetually a dude currently writing this, sitting in a room, in an apartment with rent that’s ridiculous, if you happen to measure and calculate the cramped square footage, and compare it to how much you’re paying for it. Surrounded by objects that are purely conditional, and those conditions seem to occur few and far between. So everything I bought off Amazon Prime is all essentially useless, but can be delivered in two days, so that it can more quickly begin to lose the factor of novelty, before becoming still life garbage you seemingly involuntarily keep, imbued with a memory of a compelling spell of clicking, which megamorphed into sentimental value, and you only have those hardcovers on your bookshelf to cast the illusion that you’re well-rounded.

In actuality, I’m only rewriting this over and over again, trying to make this ludicrous literature perfect, while experiencing acute mood shifts. Sometimes my phone dies and I lose the latest revision, gone and lost in contextual oblivion. Metaphysically tired in my lazy mind’s lazy eye, from the eternal uphill-pushing of enormous proverbial boulders. A hugely hubristic, bush league, satirical Sisyphus with a creator complex, writing this self-stated, social paradigm shifting content, while in tangible social settings I’m mostly pocketing my psychic two cents. Then keeping my hands in my pockets so my palms sweat, standing far away from her and her friends after she ran over to them, next to a giant metallic cone with a screen in it at the California Academy of Sciences, reading the ticket that admits us into the Planetarium. Skip to the next awkward moment, I finally walk over, because she looked at me like I’m an idiot, we stand in a rhombus and start talking. One friend says, “Hey, nice to meet you”. Then a dainty, moist squeeze of the hands, then release, but no relief, more anxiety, but I manage to speak, “It’s nice to meet you too, Peaches.” I swear that was her name.

I’m saving up to win the spiritual lottery, or just waiting: to die, to fall asleep, perchance to wet-dream. While in my periphery I’m watching Clueless and wishing someone would text me back. As if. Because I sent you this, so I’ll probably never hear from you again, person reading this. A person I can only describe as: a secluded echo, an eclipsed moon, December blue. Soft eyes, no vacancy. Wild ride. You.

Anyway, if you’re still with me, what I’ve been trying to say, lately things seem to go a certain way for me. It’s not bad or good, it’s just causing me to think a little more introspectively. Any remorse for my interactions that may boil up is immediately self-medicated with cannabis that is meant to take the place of dopamine, when in reality I haven’t accomplished a single thing. I’m just sitting here making up silly stories, pretending I’d be content if this was it, nothing more than this. Monotony, mixed with heaven sent absurdity that turns into comedy, or social awkwardness at my day job that on the first and fifteenth of the month turns into money. Which goes to rent and other pointless expenses. If I want to attempt to have sex, gotta pay for dates, probably somewhere expensive, to distract her from fact that one of my ears is lower and points in a different direction.

Then when I’m on these dates, I have to be witty, charming, funny; because I personally believe that’s all I have going for me, and my psychiatrist agrees. I have to be somewhat up kept, overall hygienic, clean my apartment, just in case... you know...I die, or she wants to comes over. Buy a new toothbrush, new socks, deodorant, maybe a tie, get a goofy one while you’re shopping for an outfit at Goodwill, one that isn’t too large or too goofy looking, so as not to appear homeless. Not too drunk or too stoned to not keep up the walls, keep on the mask, perpetuate the facade, go on and on about what you do, where you’re from, but what’s really going on is you’re dancing around the fact that awkwardness is preferable to loneliness, but neither of you are out rightly addressing it, just discussing hobbies you aren’t really all that active in, and all you really want is to put on your favorite song, which is Love is a Battlefield, really loud, and be physically close to another person, preferably naked.

But flaws and awkwardness always win; until you consider and accept that death is the ultimate end, after getting real deep about it during a stoned conversation while listening to The Mars Volta with your old high school friends. Start to contemplate the concept of non-existence, then live your life according to that premise; which I don’t, but then do, too, paradoxically.

A view loosely based on the Tegmark take on quantum immortality, transmuted with my own half-baked multiverse theory recipe, tossed into the ethereal 8-Qt Crock-Pot, on low for 8 hours, alchemically cooking up the basic tenets of my life’s philosophies, stirring occasionally. It’s basically the idea that you can’t actually perceive yourself dying, but everyone else around you experiences your death in that universe’s reality. So for them you’re dead, then either cremated, ashes scattered in the hot tub at your grandparents old house in Walnut while the new occupants are in it. Or buried next to your brother, whose epitaph reads, “Who wants to match on a blunt and smoke out Jesus and Dezi Arnaz when we get to heaven, and why is it getting so hot all of a sudden?”, because my brother’s pretty funny when I write his made up epitaph for him. Or better than both disintegration or side-by-side a sibling in a graveyard; your will states your wishes to be taxidermied, morbidly displayed out in the most visible part of the back lawn, to been seen from a plethora of windows, forever staged reading Infinite Jest, which you never actually finished when you did exist there; until your family moves on emotionally and stores you in the basement next to your Pokémon card collection that never evolved into anything worth anything, much like a lvl 100 Luvdisc.

Where was I? Oh yeah. More bad dates with minutely modified bad outcomes, that would not have come to pass if you hadn’t eaten as many croissants as you did in your past life. Your colon couldn’t love handle it. Now new you figured out ways to continue perpetuating lies, to yourself and others, until again you’re caught in one of them by someone that you spoke spurious, rehearsed lines to, and then somehow learned to love. Another burnt bridge, move on to next place, the next job, the next “one”. Why not? Repeat the pattern. It seems you’ll always fill your life up with made up obstacles and the subsequent distractions, because it’s easier to hide behind another person’s life and pretend you don’t have one. Now their problems are yours, but they’re not as smart as you to handle them, says you. So you express another misplaced emotional reaction, then the inevitable detachment. In your mind it’s the proverbial 'them' all talking about you behind your back, even though they haven’t really thought about you since; but you hear it all in your head, overwhelmingly, a profound paranoid pounding, a feedback loop of an empty orchestra laughing; about all the stuff she knows about you, and told them, and they believe it to be it true, about you doing silly stuff with your penis that you thought would never leave the room.

“You can’t think your way out of a prison that is made of thought.”

- Krishna Das

Then you remember, sometimes if you say the name given to a person later in life because of a spiritual rite, read directly after the last word of a sentence from a quote associated with them, it produces a near rhyme. Sometimes things are just meant to be, two people are destined to meet, destined to be best friends who are silly on purpose, yes-and everyone, and massage each other’s feet. Running on unconditional love, and when we’re drunk it’s always fun and she doesn't end up cheating. If only.

No but really, I hope this was fun to read. Just some real, taboo, and personal themes that hopefully lead to giggles and genuine feelings, simultaneously. Because that’s really what I’m all about, inherently, though sometimes disrespectfully, but I promise it’s not done intentionally. I’m simply digging deeply into the collective unconscious, and sharing all the treasures that I pull out. Because I always pull out, can’t stand a condom: latex, sheepskin, my ego; doesn’t matter. I can’t help but rawly share it and impregnate you with honesty.

A component of my soul, a moment, a stream of consciousness built upon the general thought of a person I could have been and may become. An influence I feel could be a friend - because I swear on the grave of a man named Lasso who lives on the astral plane, who doesn’t know how to dance, but if you know how to ask, will grant you the ability to always know the exact location of the nearest bathroom - that I’m only trying to gain a little understanding so I can be compatible with another person. It’s that simple. I’m the grey hat traversing the gray areas. The one who doesn’t know the proper rules on when to use which spelling of gray, so he always puts both variations of grey in a sentence. So a train of thought came after a disconnection on a train elsewhere, which caused me to think, write and edit this every night until three in the morning for an ever increasing amount of weeks, repeating a pattern so as not to repeat, trying to see if there’s something to glean that’ll lead me to love in this reality. All because I listened to her pack into the MUNI train, and before I lost her in a tunnel, I said, “Sayonara, sardine.”

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[choco-myth]

83 89 60 57 49 38 29 19 41 3

whoa, thats a lot!! (thanks!)

83 - writing or drawing?

i do both, but overall i write a lot more. ive done both a lot in my life, but i think ive been way more passionate about writing than drawing really

89 - who would you put before everyone else?

myself

probably my cousin or boyfriend?? you cant just, ,, pick people, everyones gotta get their own share.

60 - if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

slice of life! cutesy and no one dies! usually. but being the main hero in some action anime, that would be amazing... but honestly slice of life would be my preference

57 - the three biggest struggles you've overcome?

struggles? check. overcoming? uhhhhh :')

but even so! i think i managed to overcome some things i think. ive been able to communicate with my family members, way better than i have in the past, and its been better for me because of it.

i guess trying to make myself happier has also worked out for the better? its been nice

i cant really think of specific examples, but eh. its been... a tough year

49 - what saying or quote do you live by?

i dont think i really have any

38 - lemonade or tea?

as long as its sweet ill like it.

29 - best way to bond with you?

uhhh, not sure? as long as youre friendly and willing to start the conversation, ill probably become more attached to you that way. we just gotta both make an effort!

(bond with me over creative ideas and ill love you forever)

19 - sleeping position?

hm, i tend to move a lot in my sleep? i dont really have a default position, i just tend to squirm around a lot til i pass out i guess

41 - last person you texted?

the bf!!

3 - bubblegum or cotton candy?

i like both! havent had either in a long while though, thanks to the braces ive had :/

thank you for sending in an ask! it was very fun

[amisbro]

My character selections

So here was something I thought about talking about recently and it just really came to me now to discuss! “Why do I pick the characters that I do for my stories?” Now no one has asked me this but its one that might come up in the future with members of certain fandoms so I figured I would get it out of the way now If you will notice when it comes to some fics I use certain characters A LOT and a part of that is because when you do “self-insert/ship” fics the sole purpose is that you are interacting with your favorite characters from a particular series.  Its also fun when you do that because then you can (in my opinion) write them one of two ways  - With the Canons that are established about their personalities OR  - Write them OOC and make the work more “original”.  You are still using characters from a series that you liked BUT you can write the stories in a more accessible way for you which is something you should ALWAYS want to do because you have to write the story for YOU FIRST and the FANDOM SECOND...make sense? So what is the process of what characters get picked out of what series?  This is a little tricky ESPECIALLY if there are a lot of characters I like at first glance or have grown to like over time (Hello Rakuzan of Kuroko’s Basketball). One of the things is generally the personality or backstories of the characters.  If I think I can relate to or find a way to incorporate myself into the universe with those backstories then I generally will start to produce the content for that particular series.  Uta no Prince-Sama and K Project have been two of the biggest ones I have done (along with Sailor Moon) because I looked at the personalities of the characters and went “Okay...out of these series’ what character(s)/Unit(s) have I grown attached to and how do I work myself in?” and this is why at the present time I am slower with producing the content for say...Tsukiuta! The other big factor for me is one that might not make sense to a lot of people and that’s okay “Can I temper the character enough to make the story AT MOST a PG-13 Story?” Basically if you know me I am purely a fluff writer.  I am someone that, when he writes, wants to write the stories for you to be able to destress after a long day and disconnect from the real world.  Sometimes the characters might COME FROM a series which is more notable as an R-18 but if I can tone them down enough to at least get it PG then I am going to work with them and make it enjoyable for sure.  If you want an example of a series that I have EVERY INTENTION of writing for that is like this see DMMD (Clear) or Gakuen Heavens (Saionji Kaoru).  Because for the most part they come from game series’ that are R-18 right now they are kind of in the background ALTHOUGH I will tell you that Clear has been coming to me lately going “Master Joshua can we meet soon?” and in time THAT is going to happen...I just gotta get it down to at least PG One other big thing that is important to me is the emotional connection to the characters because look...if you are a team in say “Haikyuu!!” or a skater in “Yuri on Ice” and I can feel you on an emotional level then chances are you are gonna get wrote with.  Its just that simple!  I enjoy characters or teams that I connect with on that level and you know that for me HEAVENS and QUARTET NIGHT are the two units in Uta no Prince-Sama that I jive with the most so they are gonna be wrote for the most!  When it comes to KnB it will PROBABLY be either Kaijo or Rakuzan just because I loved those kids and Kise...G-- Damn!  Spoilers for those who didn’t see it but when he went against Aomine and I watched that you should have heard me screaming from my room watching that one on one!  Point is that I can definitely work with a school like that so if I write stories for KnB then we going there just because (And if its Rakuzan its definitely cos of Reo-nee cos he’s an awesome kid for damn sure!) One other thing I always will enjoy about writing these is it challenges ME to challenge the norm as far as the way the story was wrote by the creators and then for me to literally take it and rip it up and rewrite it in a way that I would enjoy reading and its one of the things I look for the most probably. “Can I rip up the script and mold it in a different way that would make me happy enough to write it?” Know what story was my favorite so far to really just take and pretty much destroy?  The Alois Trancy story! Now don’t get me wrong I pretty much have kept it the way that it is BUT what I am going to endeavor to do soon is start to write it where me and the young man have a lot more good times so he can forget how messed up his life was before!  I’m going to hopefully challenge it ENOUGH that people will get to see Alois as he SHOULD BE and not in the really screwed up way that we got because friends...that was so f***ed up that even I was like “WOW...THEY WENT THERE?!” Oh and for anyone whom might be curious that was a fan of the NAC (Noah;s Ark Circus) it is my intention in 2017 to bring them back but in a MUCH HAPPIER place than what we got because I’m sorry...that story messed me up pretty bad and I gotta fix it! Do ya get what I’m saying though?  Basically I love ripping up the scripts the creators gave me and just go “Okay...you wanna do that?  Watch what I do if its not satisfactory to my standards!” because friends I can name ENOUGH times when I see verses that I think need to have certain things rearranged and BB is STILL one I need to reconstruct! Do you see though why I pick the verses or fandoms that I do when I write s/i stories?  I want to write them to craft a story that makes me happy but maybe because of the way I altered it and didn’t kill off a fave of yours and put them in a happier place that you’ll enjoy it MORE than what the original story did because in the end...I’m just trying to spread the love and happiness to many different fandoms in my own way and I intend to keep doing that for you in 2017 and forever! May we work on this together friends...I hope you will take this journey with me!