#i got the wolf card of his to max and now this fucking one is lvl 2

[randomshipperhere]

Goodbye Nightbringer 🥲

[theemporium]

Ok more werewolf!dando (canon concept of being a wolf in this world: you usually don’t get your heat until you meet your mate - it can happen but it almost never does)

you’re being dragged out of the house by the elbow, asking Daniel what the hell is going on, getting pulled out the door when suddenly you hear Lando whimper at the loss - your heart shatters and your stomach drops at the sound, which you realize you had only heard before when you were a little girl holding your brand new cocker spaniel puppy and tripped and fell while holding him, the sense of betrayal from a sweet little creature that trusts you to care for it seeping into your bones

you realize that Daniel’s eyes are on you and hardening by the second, willing you to ignore the mewls and cries, and you can only say “how can I leave him like this, Danny? I think he needs me? He’s breaking my heart, I think I have to go” and yank your arm away to walk back into the house

“What about what I need? What about my mate, my bond, my *relationship*? I can’t let that little mutt jeopardize the life we’ve built together just because he’s got the red rocket!”

You hear Lando cry again, this time even sharper and more desperate, and a shiver runs down your spine, almost as though you’re being gravitationally pulled to the green-eyed pup, and spit back at Daniel “imagine what it would be been like if I had ignored you when you used to need me like this! you forget so easily that you used to cry like that too, used to leave my skin black and blue from your mouth and your hips, but now we’re grownups, right? Now I sometimes totally miss you being in heat because you’re a big wolf who *has himself under control* but god fucking forbid I should want that closeness! Carlos can’t give it to me, Max sure as hell can’t! God forbid I should miss the days where I was the center of your world and the solution to all your problems! I bet you didn’t even know that I’m ovulating right now, so that must be why -“ you were cut off by a particularly plaintive yelp “I have to go. I’ll get Max to drive me home”

Now it was Daniel’s turn to feel his heart sink, sitting down in his car to drive home and realizing that all the things he did with the intention of making your life easier, all of the things he did to make himself as close to the nice, normal human boyfriend he thought you deserved were chipping away at your self-esteem and he had been so oblivious as to totally ignore what you needed

he turns off the car and walks back into Max’s house to find you on the couch with Lando, carding your fingers through his curls and telling him “I don’t think I can let you take my clothes off until I have a real talk with Danny about it, lovebug” while he thrusts into the swell of your jeans-clad hip and hums as he sucks a line of bruises down your collarbone

Daniel clears his throat to get your attention and asks in a small voice “are you two ready to go home?” and Lando’s face lights up with the understanding that he wasn’t bad or wrong for feeling like this and that Daniel was at least open to accepting his feelings for you

clambering off the couch, Lando approaches Daniel cautiously as his elder gives him a once-over and says “it looks like she’s your mate too - I will teach you everything you need to know but you have to swear on the lives of the pack that she becomes the star you orbit around starting now, do you understand?” the pup nods vigorously and runs to the backseat of the car

after a ride that felt like an eternity, you unlocked the door to yours and Daniel’s house and immediately find yourself body slammed against the nearest wall under Lando’s weight, with Daniel coming up behind him to tut “now, don’t you think we ought to let our sweet girl freshen up for a moment while we get to know each other a bit better? Come into the bedroom with me” and a pair of giant green eyes lock on your man’s smiling brown ones all the way there

you take the few minutes you’re afforded to slip into a prettier bra and panties that actually match and to spray yourself with a perfume you hadn’t worn in years but that was your favorite when you and Daniel met

you hear the wet sounds of Lando kissing marks down Daniel’s torso, groaning as long fingers grasp his hair and gagging as he attempts to lower himself throat-first onto Daniel’s cock

taking that as your cue, you step into the room and say “easy there, Tiger, we’ll work you up to that one” and immediately have both of their attention, Daniel standing up to take your hand and kiss it and lead you by it to the bed, sitting down and nestling you between his legs

“Alright, puppy, show us what you’ve got” he smirks, and Lando looks at you with eyes blown wide for the okay to move - Daniel mumbling under his breath what a good boy he is for waiting - latching himself to the skin of your chest and almost howling at the feeling of his rock hard cock rubbing against your lace panties and whispering “anything?” when you tell him he can do anything he wants to you

He gets overwhelmed, wanting simultaneously to thrust into you and to suckle on your chest and, in his panic, he freezes until Daniel offers to get you ready for him and asks you to get on all fours over top of the pup, who cries like never before at the sight of your tits dangling in his face - when you give them both the go, he latches on like a man starved and Daniel starts drawing stars and secret messages over your clit with his tongue all the way up until you collapse, convulsing on top of Lando as you come

Daniel leans down to plant a kiss on Lando and says “good work, pup, do you want to fuck her or for me to fuck you as your reward?” and Lando meekly asks if he can have both, to which Daniel grins broadly and tells him that of course he can

while you recover, Daniel works Lando open, clucking over how lucky he is to take the anal virginity of such a sweet boy and asking if he wants to enter or be entered first - the pup wants you on your side first, so he can wrap himself around you and suck on your neck as he braces for impact, and that’s exactly what he gets

when you’re all collapsed into one sticky, heaving, fucked out mess twenty minutes later and Lando is already asleep between you, you lean over and whisper into Daniel’s ear, “so, can we keep him?”

bless their wee hearts

[asphodel-flowers]

The Fool

Everyone points out the, well, foolishness of the character in the Fool card: hasty, not paying attention, so distracted by that butterfly he’s about to fall off the cliff. It’s easy to mock those who don’t know any better, isn’t it? We forget the Fool is the beginning of the Journey.

There’s two points I want to make about that (“the beginning of the journey”):

inexperience. When you first start anything new, you will bumble it. Think back to when you first started something you’re good at now, doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe you’re just starting something now and feel foolish with your first attempts. Babies wobble. No one walks or runs perfectly on their first try. Don’t come at me in the comments with some weird ass exception(s), I stg. I can hear Loki giggling and my Mother reminding me not to speak in absolutes. You know what I mean, damnit. I could ramble on about how it’s okay to make mistakes, to be new at things, but I think you’ve probably read as much enough times in other things. Why bother reiterating it here?

catalysts. Every story needs a catalyst, needs a turning point. Change isn’t happening if everything is sitting in a still, perfect equilibrium. I’m not sure I’ve met anyone who got into magic who didn’t have some kind of Experience tm or other Reason which compelled them to explore. The world, the universe, is wondrous and rich, but you’ll never experience it if you do not step outside your door.

There is a dog yapping at the Fool’s heels. Is it warning him? Or egging him on? The Wolf has been snapping at my heels, trying to force me to leap off the cliff’s edge. “You cannot be prepared for everything, every situation. Sometimes you just. must. jump.” I’m told. I waffle when the Wolf demands I choose. I want it all. The result of my choice is irrelevant. It is my hesitation that frustrates. I refuse both to show my neck in submission, and also refuse to meet his eye or bear my own fangs back. I could say it’s meant as respect, but the Wolf knows better and so do I. Stand the fuck up. Take the damn leap. How can you start the journey if you forever refuse to take the first step?

It’s not the first time I’ve been urged to leap. I struggle with Change, and with Choice, especially if I’m not given the time to contemplate it, or prepare somehow. I want to min-max, to optimize, but we don’t always have time for that in life. Some things must be chosen without any idea of the outcome. Sometimes that’s precisely the point of that particular choice. I only ever seem to notice when I do that and fail. The failures resonate, stick to me, a residue I can’t seem to wash off. That doesn’t mean that the leap always results in failure. It’s just so hard to remember when it doesn’t.

[mermaidsirennikita]

IAD Power Rankings: Part IV

The Demonarchy Duology starts, and as I began revisiting A Hunger Like No Other recently, Lachlain MacRieve gets a bump up because as it turns out.... he's really hot.

Conrad Wroth, vampire, Dark Needs at Night’s Edge

Pros:

–exceedingly good at removing obstacles between him and what he wants

–a virgin and SUPER embarrassed about it in a way that is INCREDIBLY precious (when he finally fucked this woman and went "So I was good?" I almost fucking wept)

–murder puppy only wants death and blood (until he discovers………… other things)

–a natural born dirty talker

–BABY BOY…. BABY BOY…./EVIL

Cons:

–has erectile dysfunction for a significant part of his book, he gets better but I was so sad for him

–I mean, is fully insane and wants to murder his entire family, but nobody’s perfect and Nikolai kinda deserves it

--wears sunglasses indoors

--got aroused while buying underwear for her and had to limp home

--made Bowen MacRrieve sad and that makes me really upset because I love Bowen MacRieve

2. Bowen MacRieve, werewolf, Wicked Deeds on a Winter’s Night

Pros:

–is a werewolf general

–was celibate for 1200 years after his lover got so scared of his wolf form that she gored herself on a tree stump (lmao)

–spent those 1200 years trying to bring her back to life

–great at catching and preparing seafood

–breeding kink (wants to put all the bairns in Mariketa)

–kinda into bondage…?

–gets hard at the thought of Mariketa’s carnage, even when he is the carnage

--update pro: gets sent to a party by himself so that Mariketa can run an errand and just sits there confused and miserable at the bar by himself waiting for her to show up even though he knows people there; I imagine this is much like that SNL skit about a dog park for boyfriends, where the shy boyfriend hides under a picnic table

Cons:

–kind of a fuckboy (will say his dead lover’s name when he comes, ONE TIME, but “Mariketa” and “Mariah” begin similarly so)

–doesn’t like it when Mariketa chant incantations into her mirror because it creeps him out

–breeding kink (casually tries to get her to stop taking birth control)

–makes fun of Mariketa’s vibrator, even if I found that actually hilarious

3. Lachlain MacRieve, werewolf, A Hunger Like No Other

Pros:

–chewed his own leg off to get to Emma, pinned her to the ground in broad daylight, and inhaled her neck like a fucking FREAK

–actually pretty good at being the werewolf king (saves Bowen from his own stupidity multiple times, much daddy, very authoritative)

–saw Emma kill her own dad and basically swooned

–is absolutely down to get his blood sucked… through his penis (I believe he says that’s the only way he’ll accept BJs now…?)

--gets by on missing 150 years of progression purely on intimidation, which I personally find deeply sexy

Cons:

–I mean yes Lachlain is one of the rape-iest IAD heroes even if most of that was werewolf instinct and burning alive for 150 years

–doesn’t know how to use an iPod

–but will max out your credit cards

--a werewolf supremacist (is this a bad thing...?)

--says "Kiss me like you want to live" which I guess I should put as a con because it's non-consensual but whatever I was dow--

4. Cadeon Woede/"Cade the Kingmaker", demon, Dark Desires After Dusk

Pros:

--extremely loyal to his brother (which I found cute)

--orders ahead to get pre-packaged food for Holly to accommodate her OCD, while helping her Walk on the Wild Side

--was the first guy to 69 with his heroine in this series

--stalked Holly for like a year (stalking is love)

--gets adorably tongue-tied around her, but not in a lame way

Cons:

--lied to Holly for like... that entire book lmao (even though it was fun)

--is called the Womb Raider for a reason, apparently (a little tooooo potent)

--sort of fucks with Holly's birth control, in the sense that he made sure she was super fertile, but to be fair Holly did not... actually... take birth control

--threw out Holly's OCD meds, though I chalk this up to the year the book was published

--just sort of drove around giving Holly head for WEEKS while Rydstrom was getting sexually tortured, so like.... maybe doesn't have GREAT priorities.... maybe has the best priorities... Rydstrom was fine...

5. Nikolai Wroth, vampire, The Warlord Wants Forever

Pros:

--deeply efficient and good at his job (being a bloodthirsty warlord), which turns his mate on as much as it should literally everyone else

--scars all over

--very family-oriented, which means he's extreeeeemely daddy, and very much uses that in the bedroom

--will try to make nice with your bitchy sisters for you

--is receptive to therapy, even if the therapist was his beaten and bruised brother whose advice was basically "do better"

Cons:

--did steal Myst's chain and used it to make her come on command; which, while I liked it, was very much non-consensual

--insecure about Myst's history as the greatest femme fatale of the last couple millennia (though he gets better and decides to be a sex-positive feminist)

--that time that he turned his little brothers into vampires against their will

--was so down bad that he literally started to waste away when Myst didn't let him get off for five years

--does not properly heat his manor

6. Sebastian Wroth, vampire, No Rest for the Wicked

Pros:

–basically a virgin when he meets Kaderin

–Gentleman in the Streets Freak in That Random Nightclub Where He SNAPS

–joined the mile high club remarkably fast

–throws out all his principles for her

–Speaks Like Dracula but in a “I vant to suck your clit” way

Cons:

–borderline beta, or as beta as a murderous centuries old vampire warlord can be

–a little tooooo accommodating of Kaderin’s bullshit

–could have been more demanding, to be honest (Bowen and Lachlain would noooot have been as patient as he was, which some would like but I was a little weary of)

[nat-20s]

what’s poppin everyone please have this fun lil writing warmup/short story inspired by me thinking “Dancing in the Moonlight” was definitely 100% about werewolves

~*~

“So, this your first transformation?”

The counselor? Leader? Tour guide? Asked this with a perfectly jovial tone, as if the typical social mores surrounding, ugh, lycanthropy, didn’t apply to her. They didn’t know what exact title to call her, and her name tag just said “Luna”, which, reflecting on it, either was a joke on her part or a reflection of her parents’ sense of humor.

Picking at the scabs from last month, they cringed and replied, “No. Uh. Second.”

Luna lets out a low whistle. “Oof. That sucks. Guessing you got bitten rather than inherited the ol’ wolfman gene?”

“That’s...kind of personal?”

Unlocking the front door of the log cabin that served as King Harvest’s Headquarters, Luna shrugs and says, “Shit, sorry. Forgot the whole weird stigma around your source of the once monthly nightmare, as if it fuckin matters. Also, I know, I know, ass out of you and me. Hey, you got any dietary restrictions? Gluten, peanut allergies, the like?”

Voice flat, they tell her, “I’m vegetarian,” and waits for the obvious response.

As they wander through the cabin towards the kitchen, Luna flipping on the light switches, generic club music starts to filter in. Instead of the obvious response, Luna asks, “You like veggie burgers? Or maybe pasta? I’d offer salad, but that’s really not gonna cut it for tonight.”

“I ate before I came.”

With a snort, she tells them, “Oh yeah? Did you have about 4000 calories?”

“No? Why would I have?”

Sweeping out her arm, she gestures at the food laying out on the counter and tells them, “Then eat up! 4000 is really a minimum for the night if you don’t want to feel like someone physically beat out all of your energy in the morning. 6000 is more the target area, but we got, hmm, about 15 minutes before things get uncomfortable, and half an hour max before things get dire.”

They glance down to the food, and, admittedly, the broccoli alfredo does look pretty appealing. Still, they have to ask, “Is this a cult?”

Luna lets out a bark of a laugh that has nothing to do with her (maybe) being a werewolf. “Okay, first of all, what kind of cult is like ‘fuck yeah, we’re a cult’? Secondly, despite the first thing, I can say that we’re not a cult. I know how “King Harvest: Center for Movement Therapy” sounds, both clinical and vague enough to be suspicious as hell, but I didn’t come up with the title, blame my long deceased dad for that one. Plus, ‘King Harvest: Bitchin’ Wolf Dance House’ probably wouldn’t look good on the grant applications.”

“Grants?”

“Oh yeah. This bad boy’s been publicly funded since its opening in 1972. Hence no membership fees.”

“Is that why animal control is giving out your business card? Are they one of your sponsors?”

“Nah, that’s just Jack. Me ‘n’ him go way back, hell, to his park ranger days.  I mean, yeah, I think he’ll campaign for us, but mostly I think he just hates capturing a wolf in the night only to have a naked, trembling human in the morning, and he knows that our program significantly reduces the odds of that happening, at least in this neck of the woods.”

They let out a hum, then glance back down to the food. As appealing as it down look, they’re still about..30% convinced this is an elaborate organ harvesting operation. Or sketchy sex thing.

Apparently sensing their hesitation, Luna says, “You got a favorite chip?”

“Salt and vinegar.”

Grabbing a sealed family sized bag from the overhead cabinets, Luna tosses it to them. “If you come back next full moon, either eat enough in advance or have a real meal here. That being said, excuse the turn of phrase, you should wolf that down. It’s sure as hell better than nothing.”

They catch it, and the bag opens with a puff of air that speaks to a reassuring lack of tampering. As they toss a chip into their mouth, Luna grabs a water bottle from the fridge and places it down next to them. “So? Any questions for me? We’ve still got about ten minutes before we have to go out there.”

Rolling their eyes, they tell her, “No. None at all.”

“Great! Soon as you’re done eating we’ll get you started.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

“Yeah, no shit, smart-ass. Seriously, what are your, we haven’t got much time.”

“I don’t know? The whole..thing? I mean, how is it supposed to..work? Like? At all?”

“You ever see Amok Time?”

“Is that relevant?”

“It’s a yes or no question babe.”

“And if I say no?”

“Then the explanation is going to be a lot more technical and take a lot longer, ultimately to likely make less sense.”

“...I’ve seen it.”

“Great! So, Pon Farr is basically this chemical blood imbalance that results in fuck or die disorder, yeah? But then Spock neither fucks nor dies, and eventually the vulcans get their shit together and find out that an intense fight can serve the same function, and the blood fever chills out. Lycanthropy operates on a similar enough basis for comparison. You’re compelled to act out on energetically heavy base instincts, returning to the ways of the wolf or whatever. Traditionally, that’s done through running and hunting, which has, historically, been a crapshoot at best. Theoretically, sex can also get the job done, but I’m sure you can imagine how that gets extremely dicey extremely quickly. Either restraints or isolation has been implemented for a while, but, c’mon, they’re bandaid solutions, and they’re far from foolproof. Luckily for us all, my grandmother decided to connect back with her ancestors, and there was a handful of stories having huge festivals to deal with ‘moon violence’. She tried it out, and, yeah, dancing works.”

“That sounds…”

They don’t know how that sounds. Made up, mostly.

“Like a bunch of hippie bullshit? Yeah, it kind of is, Grandma Josephine was a huge hippie, but it’s hippie bullshit that works. In fact, let’s go see the others, it almost always makes things clearer.”

Figuring that whatever they’re about to see can’t be worse than their transformation last month. They head through the sliding glass door out the back, the thump of the music suddenly loud enough to be felt in their chest. The sight that awaits them makes them drop their chips and let out a gasp. Barely able to speak, they exhale out, “None of them...they’re not wolves. How..how??”

Indeed, the roughly forty people jumping to the pulse of whatever they’re listening to (some to the in house DJ, some, apparently, to what’s playing over the large headphones they have adorned), resemble the image of a wolfman much more accurately. They bare claws, fangs, elongated snouts, upright ears, and  serious amounts of hair, but they’re on two legs, and moving like humans. Some of them are even singing along to the lyrics, which really shouldn’t be possible.

Luna grins, making it obvious that she’s used to this level of shell shocks. “Ultimately, you do have to give into some damn rigorous instincts. But dancing is a human instinct, not a canine one, so you end up, well, humanoid. Pretty nifty, huh?”

“And they all..they all keep their minds? I didn’t...they don’t blackout?”

“Not since we banned alcohol in the 90s! Here, watch this.”

Luna nods her head at the DJ, and the DJ, obligingly, turns down the music for a moment. The members of the crowd not listening to their own music pause, then look towards the door. She cries out, “Hey gang! HOW WE ALL DOIN’ TONIGHT?”, and gets a mix between a howl and “WOO!” cried back. The DJ then turns the music back up, and the general movement of the crowd resumes.

They should be more skeptical. They want to be more skeptical, they were just minutes before, but it’s hard to disagree with something right in front of you. “This will work for me? I just..have to dance?”

“Well, it’s not guaranteed. Few things are. But we have yet to have someone turn violent on us. If you start to fell yourself slipping from consciousness, though, I do ask that you start heading further into the woods, as to not hurt other guest. If you find yourself just getting tired, there’s beds inside, and a fair amount of pillows around the edge of the quote unquote dance floor, if you end up in more of a nesting mood. Also, I recommend taking off your shoes before you start.”

“What? Why?”

Luna gives a pointed glance at the dancers’ feet, which, ah. They’re about twice as large as normal and at least twice as sharp. The converse on their feet would be no match. “Ah.”

“Ready?”

They shove off their shoes and place the remainder of their chips aside. “As I’ll ever be.”

Good thing, too, as they’re starting to feel an uncomfortable pressure in their chest that was the prelude to disaster last month.

Luna strides to the center of the dance floor, which is really a plush lawn surrounded by forest. The crowd naturally moves around her, and she yells out, “Aiyana! Play my song!”

Aiyana gives a nod, and the opening notes of “Dancing in the Moonlight” start to sound out. “Seriously?”

Luna shrugs, grinning like a fool, and says, “It’s a classic!”

“It’s cliché at best.”

Luna shrugs, and then begins dancing. She’s hardly elegant, but she is dazzlingly joyful in her uncoordinated movements. As the song reaches the first chorus, she gives a twirl, and in the split second it takes, she’s transformed. They blink in shock, not knowing you could transform that seamlessly, that quickly, that painlessly. Luna in half wolf form is just as expressive as the human Luna, and she gives a nod over her shoulder as if to say Come on.

Feeling somewhat foolish, they start to bop their head to the tune. Luna lets out a huff and grabs their hands, spinning them around and forcing them to get moving. At first, it’s them indulging Luna, but as they let themselves get lost in rhythm, they feel a stretching sensation in their face and limbs. It’s not unpleasant, more like when you wake up and work out the tension in your spine. They open their eyes and look down at their hands, now covered in fur in and made for slashing. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t hurt, and they’re still themselves, and they had no idea that full moons could be like this, maybe for the rest of their lives.

They turn their head to the night sky, and their body can’t help but continue to dance. Despite all their fear, all their dread, “movement therapy” worked, and they can admit, at least to themselves, that they feel warm and bright.

[lovinlikeloki]

The Lone Wolf

Masterlist // 01

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 2.7k

Orlaith and I get off the bus and start walking down the road.

"Where are ye going?" Orlaith asks me.

"I'm away de Saint Marie's, ye wanny join me?" I tell her.

"Aye, sure why not?"

"I finished a job last night and didn't get de give Eoghan the card," I say, brandishing a gold colored card, "I need to get paid and get me next one."

"Why do you do this?" Orlaith asks, shaking her head at me.

"Eoghan's letting me stay in one of the rooms at Saint M's. I'm earning my keep, besides, the money's good."

"If you say so," she shrugs.

We keep walking and then I pull her sleeve, to show her the alley we need to walk down. We reach the end and I pull off my school blazer, shoving it in my school bag and exchanging it for my green and grey striped hoodie. I push open the door to the old Catholic school, I see that people are already in, clearly people like to start drinking early, well, if 5 in the afternoon is early to you.

I pull Orlaith to the bar and I slam the gold card on the bar, making Eoghan look at me. He takes the card and puts it in the out box, he then lifts a wad of cash and gives it to me. He begins to tell me that someone called for me, someone who called me 'Malen'kaya Volchitsa.' Only two people have ever called me that...and one's... not here anymore, so I know exactly who's after me. And just in case I didn't, the name she left, 'Cáileach,' was a nice hint. The witch is a smart one, I'll tell you that much.

(Little she-wolf) (Witch)

I take the number she left and smirk at the gold card.

"We'll take two cokes Eoghan," I tell him before going to the corner table by the door, my table.

Orlaith follows me to the table and sits across from me, "Why's a witch looking for you?"

"Because after leaving me for two years she's finally reaching out," I reply.

"Okay...and what the fuck does that mean?"

"What it means is that I'm gonny be leaving for a bit. My sister needs me, and I can't leave her hanging, 'sides, I owe her."

"You have a sister? Since when?" my confused friend asks.

"Not by blood, not by law she's... emotionally? my sister. Yeah, let's go with that. Basically when I went missing two years ago she was there, we bonded, and she saved me. That's all you need to know," I finish.

Eoghan brings us our drinks and we thank him, I hand him back a tenner, he tells me that he'll be behind the bar if I need him and that we'll talk about this job later.

Orlaith and I stay at the table for a bit while we finish our drinks, talking about our day and how much we hate our math teacher. Then Orlaith gets a text from her mam saying that she needs to head home to do homework and have some family time, whatever that is. I wouldn't know, it's been a while since I was at 'home'. It doesn't matter though, this, Saint Marie's the mercenary job fair of a bar, this is my home now.

When Orlaith leaves I head up to the bar and sit on a stool. I look up at the dead pool to see who's been picked this week, the dead pool is fun for me because as a minor I'm not allowed to get picked, I can just sit and watch the chaos. Only downside is that I can't pick anyone, so... I mean it's a two-way street, so I guess that's fair.

"So, what's this witch after?" Eoghan questions.

"Not sure," I reply honestly, "But whatever it is, it must be important. We haven't spoken in two years, and last time we spoke, he was still alive."

"Him as in-" Eoghan begins.

"Yes, he as in my grá cáilte. She didn't even call me then, so whatever this is has de be big. It better be, or I might just hang up."

(Lost love)

"You won't. The stories you've told me- you wouldn't leave her. If you did you'd hate yourself. You can't bring do stóirín back, he's gone, but you can still help her."

(Your darling)

"You're right, it just breaks my heart, I had to find out they escaped from rumors and stories, but I found out that he died by watching it, live on tv. We had so much potential, he had so much potential, but now I'll never know. Glac siad a anam ró-ghasta."

(They took his soul too soon)

"You're right. But now she needs you. So go find out what the witch wants, and try your damndest to deliver," he says.

"I will," I say, smiling at him sadly, "Thanks, E."

"Not a bother," he assures me, smirking, "Mactíre."

(Wolf)

° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ ° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °

I dial the number, she picks up after a single ring.

"Wanda, it's been a while," I say, trying to stay happy even though I know hearing her voice again will probably bring tears.

"Fianna, it has," she says, and I inhale sharply. No tears, not now, not yet at least.

"So, what do you need me for so urgently?" I begin to cut the shit.

"I need help. I need a friend, I need a soldier. Are you available for some last-minute travelling?" she says hesitantly. Clearly I'm a last resort, a "break glass in case of emergency" type help.

"Of course, when and where?" I ask.

"I need you to get to Leipzig-Altenburg Airport asap. We'll get you where you need to be from there," Wanda explains.

"Yeah, uh, when exactly do you mean by asap?"

"I mean, like literally buy a last-minute flight and get on it, within the next two hours. It'll be a two-hour flight, I'll pick you up and we'll get where we need to go."

"Alright, fine. I just need to know, what I'm up against. You said you needed a soldier? I need to know what I'm fighting for before starting a war."

"This is... the fight of a lifetime. You'll be fighting for truth and... safety. Who you'll be up against? Some of my closest friends and some of the deadliest assassins in the last thirty years. Now are you in or are you out? I don't blame you if you're out, but it would really help."

Wanda sounds... more than desperate, she's hopeless, she needs me, more than she ever has. I've fought many's a fierce foe in my time, but Avengers? Deadly assassins? That's usually more than a smidge above my paygrade. But she needs me, she's calling in her last favor, she clearly thinks I'm up for it. I hesitate for a second, weighing my options before making a life-changing decision.

"I'm in. I'll be there in four hours, max," and with that I hang up.

Guess I'm going to Germany.

I walk back into the bar and go through the side door that brings me to the lodging. I go to my room at sit on my bed. I'm leaving. I begin to pack my shit, I pull my kitbag out from under my bed and begin filling it with clothes. Leggings, t-shirts, hoodies, leather jackets, everything I might need. I pack all the essentials and then begin to think of how I'll smuggle my brass knuckles through security. I lift my mattress and take out a couple hundred pounds in cash, shove it in my wallet and keep packing.

When I'm all packed I begin to forge a note from my 'mother' for the school so that I can get time off without them calling up people who haven't seen me in over a year and a half. I make a simple excuse of appendicitis, was rushed to hospital late tonight blah blah, they won't really care, the school year's nearly over. I just need something for show so that I don't get called out.

I text Orlaith, letting her know I'm being called out of the country. She questions me at first, but when I explain that Wanda needs me, and I can't let her down she lets me be. She says she'll drop in and pick up the note tomorrow morning before getting on the 212 to Coláiste Feirste.

(Belfast College {It's an Irish speaking high school})

Now I've just got to talk to Eoghan. I tell him to come to the lodging hall, behind the bar. He serves the last couple of drinks that were ordered and joins me in the back.

"I have de go de Germany," I tell him, "It seems above my paygrade, but she needs me and I gotta be there for her."

"Okay... do ye have enough for the flight?" he simply asks.

"Aye, I've got all I need, me kitbag's packed an' everythin'."

"Ye said above yer paygrade. What'd ye mean by that?"

"I'm not just fighting with Wanda's friends. I'm also fighting against a couple o' them."

"What? Naw- What the fuck Fianna!"

"Look, she needs me, Eoghan, I can't just leave her."

"You're not fighting them assholes."

"Yeah, I am, Eoghan."

"Naw you're not."

"You can't stop me. I tol' her I'm in, and I'm going," I say, standing up and throwing the strap of my kitbag over my shoulder.

"Fianna, ye can't just leave to fight those dickheads," he stands up.

"I'm away," I say firmly, walking out the door.

"Get your arse back here, now!"

"You're not my da, Eoghan. You can't make me stay."

"I might not be your da, but I'm the closest thing to a father you've had these past years. You better treat me with a bit more respect."

"Maybe," I shrug, "But I'll stick with this for now," I say, throwing up my middle finger before leaving the bar. The taxi I called beforehand pulled up and I got in.

"The airport," I tell the driver.

"Right," is the simple reply he gives me.

I get a text when we're about halfway to the airport.

I click my phone off and look out the window at the familiar city I've grown up in. All my life except a year was spent here. When I wasn't here I was with the twins, me becoming who I am, them becoming who they are... or were, and then I left them. Not by choice. Not on purpose. But I still left them.

But now I've got Wanda back, and while I don't know how long I'll be with her for, it will be good to see her. If only I could've seen him one last time before I left, spoke to him one last time, made sure nothing was left unsaid. Instead I'm here, he's gone, and I'll never know how things could've gone if perhaps I never left.

The driver stops at the airport entrance and lets me out, I pay him the fare and he takes it with a smile. I grab my bag, close the door, and go into the airport. I go to the desk and ask if there are any last-minute tickets to Leipzig-Altenburg I could get on. While there was a seat I could take, it cost a little more than a pretty penny. Luckily I had enough to buy it and went through security immediately. I opted for a pat-down rather than the metal detector and thanks to my damn good hiding spots the woman didn't find my brass knuckles.

I wait for the half hour before my flight and board along with the others. I get to my seat and sigh. A two-hour flight isn't long, it's just boring to sit through, no one to talk to and not long enough to sleep through. I just sit there messing on my phone for a bit, making faces at the baby looking through the gap between the chairs a couple rows in front of me.

When the plane finally lands I prepare myself. This is it. I have to fight Avengers. I have to fight deadly psycho assassins. But first. I have to see Wanda. For the first time in two years. For the first time since he died.

° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ ° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °

When I leave the airport I scan my surroundings and all the cars parked there. I stop when I come across a van that could be owned by no other, a white panel van with what I'd consider an iconic license plate: L: T34MC4P, I know that it's gotta be my ride. I go to the passenger side and knock on the window, the door opens, and I'm promptly enveloped in a hug.

"Someone order a conriocht?" I sat into my sister's shoulder.

(Werewolf)

She laughs and hugs me tighter, "I did, you little volk."

(Wolf)

I look at her with tears in my eyes, smiling sadly. She looks back at me with a similar expression and we just stay there in the embrace for a moment.

"Okay," I say, finally pulling away and wiping my tears away, "So who's ass do I have to kick?"

She laughs, wiping away her own tears, "No one's just yet. We gotta get there first, so get in the back."

"Back of a van?" I quirk an eyebrow, "Are there seats of does this look like a kidnapping?"

"There are seats, but they're laid down. Scott is sleeping on them, and I thought you'd want to stretch before we get there, human or not."

"That's fair, but the second I shift I'm gonna be stuck with Lu, you know that."

"I can get her to ease up, but you're stuck with her, you have to learn how to get along with her, okay?"

"Yes mom," I mock, "I'll see you on the other side."

I salute her before opening the back door, seeing a middle-aged man sleeping on the seats. Must be Scott. I climb behind the seats and lay down, shifting to the Mactíre, and as expected I hear Lu.

Lu is like a voice in my head, she's the canine and lupine instincts that got transferred during the experiments. She talks to me, mostly degrades me for my logic and emotions, planning things out rather than acting on instinct and figuring it out on the fly.

"So, she returns," Lu mocks.

"Yes, I've returned. Wanda needs help, she needs me, needs us to work together," I reply.

"Wanda? Wanda needs us?"

"Yes. And we're gonna work together. Right?"

"Yes. Of course. Anything for Wanda."

"Good. Now we're gonna be driving for a bit, so what do you suggest we do?"

"Sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep builds energy."

"Okay Lu, we'll sleep. But when we're fighting I need to take control, okay? I need to be able to focus."

"Okay Fi, you take control."

"Thank you."

And with that I begin to drift out of consciousness.

[humble-althemist]

10-3, Please...

Written for week one of @flippyspoon ‘s Harringrove Playing-card Prompt Challenge. The cards I drew gave me the prompt: humor with Ray Ban’s or a walkie talkie, at the Wheelers’s house with Nancy.

I may have thrown in more characters than just Nancy, which I'm pretty sure in retrospect we weren't really supposed to do (whoops!) but I promise I'll make up for it later. ;)

"Thank you for doing this, Steve. I know it's kind of ruining your night..." Nancy looks lovely with her apologetic smile, but Steve's heart only hurts just a little at the thought that she's dressed for Jonathan now and not for him. He's moved on. They both have.

"No, it's fine. I love watching these kids," Steve assures her with a lazy smile.

"You sure? On the phone it sounded like you were with someone. Someone special?"

Steve shrugs and looks away, hiding a little blush.

"Who is she?" Nancy asks. "Is it serious?"

He tries not to be offended by the relief in Nancy's voice. Like she's been worried all this time that he was just going to pine over her forever.

"It's nothing, Nance," he laughs tightly. "Go meet Jonathan or I won't be the only one missing a date."

"Okay," Nancy agrees with one last apologetic smile, stepping out the front door. "Thanks again, Steve. The boys are in the basement playing their game, so I'd give it a couple hours before you go down. Last time I went in there I nearly got a dice to the head."

Steve chokes on a laugh and nods.

"I'll find a way to occupy myself. Been a while since I hung out with your stuffed animals, anyway," he teases.

"Steve!" but she's laughing as she turns and waves, getting into Jonathan's waiting car.

Steve and Jonathan exchange a nod, and then they're gone.

Ignoring Nancy's advice, Steve makes a beeline for the basement. Just to check in.

"Hey guys, how ya--"

"We're in the middle of a campaign, Steve!" Dustin yells.

"I take the diamond out of my bag of holding and give it to Will!" Lucas tells Mike urgently.

Steve frowns around at the nightmare mess of a room. Karen and Ted have only been out of town for two days and the Party's basement hangout has already become like something from the Upside Down.

"Steve!" Dustin snaps him out of it.

"What do you want?" Mike asks.

"Just letting you guys know I'm here. Need another wizard or something? I could pick up some... cards... or whatever," Steve tries.

Dustin's pitying smile is enough to tell him he's way off the mark.

"The game is already started, man," Lucas shakes his head. "We'd have to make a whole new character for you."

"And that would take hours," Will agrees.

"The orc army grows restless..." Mike warns the group, returning them to the land of the game. 

The other boys are quickly reimmursed in the desperation of their situation, and Steve's presence is forgotten.

He returns upstairs, a little relieved to not be needed in the musky darkness of that room but still more than a little lonely. Nancy was right. Tonight Steve had been planning to have Billy over. He'd been really looking forward to it too. But instead he was here now. "Watching" the boys while Nancy and Jonathan had a night of their own.

He doesn't mean to, but before he knows where his feet are taking him Steve finds himself in Nancy's bedroom. It's weird to enter from the door rather than the window, he realizes, and weirder still is how different it looks since the last time he snuck in. 

But Steve hardly has time to admire Jonathan's photographs before a crackle of static from the room next door distracts him.

There's another burst, this time louder, and Steve goes back into the hall.

"Hello?" he calls softly. "Guys?"

Mike's room is empty though. The sound is coming from his unattended walkie talkie.

"Harrington, come in. Over."

That's Billy's voice. What the hell?

Steve glances around him and picks up the walkie. He fumbles with the buttons for a moment before hitting the one labeled "talk."

"Billy?" he hisses.

There's a deep, crackled laugh from the other end that, even ruined by static, sends a thrill up Steve's spine.

"You have to hold the button the whole time you talk, loser. And then let it go after, so I can talk back. Over."

"Do I have to say 'over' at the end of every sentence like a dork, too?" Steve teases.

"You might say it like a dork. I say it like someone who knows proper radio code. Over."

Steve makes a point to let Billy hear him laugh at that.

"You're so cute when you get defensive, Hargrove," he says. "Over."

"Fuck you. Over."

Steve smiles.

"I wish," he agrees. "Instead of sitting around next door to my ex's bedroom while the kids yell at each other about wizard hats and quick-sand pits downstairs without me."

That sounds more miserable than flirty. Shit.

"Aww are your little friends excluding you? Over." He can hear the smirk in Billy's voice, but it's not mean-spirited.

"Least it means they've abandoned their radios," Steve points out. "Although I'm not convinced this is better than a phone conversation. You have heard of telephones in that wolf's den you live in, haven't you?"

"Papa wolf would rip this cub apart if he picked up the other line and heard any given sentence of the filth that comes out of your pretty mouth, Harrington," Billy replies quickly. "Trust me. This is better. Over."

"What about Max?" Steve worries. "Isn't she gonna come looking for her thing? Over?"

"Sleepover with the Police chief's new kid. Elle or whatever." Steve might be imagining it, but he thinks he can hear the rustling of sheets as Billy settles more comfortably. "We've got the air waves to ourselves tonight, sweetheart. Over."

Steve can't help but snort.

"Are you about to do what I think you’re about to do? Jesus, Bill. You really will get it on anywhere, won't you? Even over radio waves. I feel like we need code-names for this. Over."

"First you abandon me to go watch your kids, then you make fun of my recovery plan? You really are a shit boyfriend, babe. Oh and our code-names are King and Princess. I think you can figure out who's who. Over."

"You're shitting me," Steve laughs. "You want me to call you Princess?"

"Of course I'm shitting you," Billy snorts. "But if those were our code-names I'd be King. Obviously. Over."

"Wait what? Since when?"

"Since I dethroned you at that Halloween party, Princess, keep up. Over."

Steve groans.

"Okay well can I at least be Queen? I don't like the relationship implications of being Princess to your King, Bill. Really limits the things I can do to you with my mouth. Over."

"Not a chance. Then any time I said your name I'd be thinking about Freddie Mercury. Shoot me but I'd rather have you. Over."

"You're so romantic. I guess Prince is out then too, huh?" Steve smirks.

"Absolutely. Face it, Princess, the name fits. Over."

Steve thinks for a moment. Perhaps Princess isn't so bad...

"You know code names are useless when we just heard you decide what your code names were gonna be, right?" Lucas's cynical voice crackles over the speaker so clearly Steve nearly drops the walkie.

"Yeah. And we know their voices," Will agrees, speaking from farther away from the walkie they must have downstairs.

Silence reigns.

Steve's face must be burning.

"Oh and congratulations, guys, you sound real happy." That's Dustin. He sounds just about as mortified as Steve feels, but somehow genuinely not disgusted or pissed off. 

Steve beams in spite of himself.

"We aren't gonna be done with this campaign for a few hours anyway, so uh... Billy, if you wanna come over--" Mike is cut off by arguing and the walkie going silent as the other kids take it from him. Steve's heart is in his throat as he waits for it go make sound again. 

Finally it does.

"As long as you promise not to beat anyone up," Mike clarifies. "You can... come over if you want, Billy. We'll make lots of noise when we're coming upstairs."

"Just, for the love of god leave our radios out of this, y'all Kings. Okay?" Lucas gets on again.

"Yes, sir. Jesus. Sorry, guys," Steve grits his teeth. And then after a thought: "Over and out."

"Now you do sound like a dork, Harrington," Billy's voice laughs even through the awkwardness. "Any self respecting radio user knows it's just 'Out.' And yeah, sorry guys. Return to your quest and uh... I'll take you up on those loud noises. Stevie, I'll see you in a bit. Out."

This is on my ao3 @womenseemwicked too, if you wanna leave me comments or see other stuff I write. 

Fun fact: 10-3 is Indiana Police radio code for "Stop Transmitting."

[gazzhowie]

My Top 25 Movies of 2020.

It is indeed time… or at least, as is tradition, it is indeed now overdue for me to dust off the cobwebs from my Tumblr account and post my Top 25 movies of the year. This time for 2020. That funny old year, huh? Where - if some are to be stupidly believed - “no films got released because of the pandemic”.

I thought I was done with this after 12 years and concluding with my Top 25 of the decade effort and yet here I am. Back rather egotistically because 2 people told me how much they look forward to reading this. Go figure! Years 2008 through to present are available in the archive. Frequent visitors know that I’ll throw out a few special mentions to all the films that I wish I could’ve included but couldn’t make them fit yet believe they deserve a shout out regardless and then I get stuck in to what I think are the 25 best films of the year.

As always, films listed are based on their UK release date whether that’s in the cinema or on DVD, VOD etc. Anyway, without further ado, here’s the ‘also-rans’ and ‘near-misses’ separated per genre that very nearly made the final list:

Setting my stall out straight away, Steve McQueen’s Small Axe was very much TV to me and won’t get ranked within my film listing. I loved two of the efforts a great deal (Education and Mangrove), liked two but found them lacking (Red, White & Blue and Alex Wheatle) and did not get what everyone else seems to from the other (Lover’s Rock).

In terms of documentaries this year, I thought Frank Marshall did a fabulous job with The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend A Broken Heart; a comprehensive study of the personal complexities and professional excellence of an incredibly underappreciated band. I found On The Record to be a difficult but inspiring watch and its background ‘politics’ exposed the hypocrisy of Ava DuVernay and Oprah Winfrey in a manner we’re not talking loud enough about. Hitsville: The Making of Motown was an extensive, lovely historical tribute to an era and a style of music, full of great tunes and equally great talking head anecdotes. And finally Belushi managed to find fresh angles and previously untold stories about one of the most mythologised comedy stars of all time, simply by pulling the man to the forefront ahead of his talents.

For dramas, I enjoyed Trial of the Chicago 7 a great deal and am an absolute sucker for the work of Aaron Sorkin but bad casting (Eddie Redmayne) and stunt casting (Sacha Baron Cohen) hurt this film. I’m a sucker for a disaster movie and Pål Øie made an incredibly entertaining one with the Norwegian high-melodrama, The Tunnel. Edward Norton’s long-gestating Motherless Brooklyn was a solid, old-fashioned PI yarn with some great casting to back it up. It’s the most alive Bruce Willis has been in years and it served to remind you that Alec Baldwin can be quite the terrific actor when he’s not being an utter joke of a human. I liked The Vast of Night a great deal when in the throes of watching it but liked it less in the aftermath. Cut Throat City was the underrated dramatic gem of the year in a lot of ways and showed that RZA has a great deal of skill as a legit filmmaker, when not being caught up in the ‘gimmicks’. O.G finally landed here via Sky Atlantic of all places, rather than any sort of VOD release, and it was an enthralling drama that served to remind us all how brilliant Jeffrey Wright can be when not overacting to the point of cringe or being stuck with really terrible writing (hello, TV’s Westworld!).

With the blockbuster season at the cinema all but dead from the outset, the joys of the action genre were to be found in the little b-movies tucked away on streaming platforms and VOD. Quick notable exceptions were The Outpost which was a reminder that Rod Lurie can deliver a hell of an action sequence, blighted by truly awful film-damaging casting and Extraction which was a well-directed derivative piece of hokum. Donnie Yen delivered an earnest, entertaining end to one of the surprise action franchises of the last decade with IP Man 4 that not even Scott Adkins could fuck up. Hack director Deon Taylor accidentally delivered Black and Blue; a pretty good ode to the ‘man on the run’ non-stop action thrillers of the 80s and 90s – with Naomi Harris killing it in the lead role. Netflix tucked away two of the greatest b-movie actioners of 2020 with The Decline (a ‘Doomsday Preppers’ training camp goes horribly wrong) and Earth & Blood (a sawmill owner uses his place of work as a battleground to take on the cartel). And, finally, the Ma Dong-seok (aka Don Lee) Taken rip-off Unstoppable arrived to streaming and turned out to be vastly superior to all of the films it was a knock-off of.

It was a great year for horror, especially if you were open to the sort of scares you were after. Sea Fever didn’t stick the landing but delivered an ace sense of foreboding and tension building for the most part. Harpoon was a sneakily nasty, surprisingly engrossing, violent little film. VFW was a lot of fun but nowhere near as good as its concept and cast suggested it was going to be. It’s also been subsequently marred by the stories coming out of its production and the revelations about Fred Williamson. I thought Come To Daddy was an absolute gift of a horror comedy that kept swerving whenever you thought you had a handle on where it was going. And Elijah Wood continues to show himself to be an American national treasure. After Midnight was an intriguing relationship drama with a horror bent and You Should Have Left, the Stir of Echoes reunion we’ve all long sought, would work as an off-kilter double-bill with it. Kevin Bacon is brilliant in it. Vampires Vs The Bronx is a totally disposable but immensely fun ode to The Lost Boys and The Monster Squad that’ll serve you well on a lazy Saturday night. Black Water: Abyss was a really good little creature feature with a ridiculous ending that infuriates. And Train To Busan: Pennisular was a pretty shit Train to Busan sequel but an immensely entertaining post-apocalyptic zombie action movie.

Onwards is worth mentioning for the fun and moving animated ride it initially presents as but, like too much Pixar nowadays, it does not hold up to repeat viewing.

Comedy-wise, I thoroughly enjoyed Bill & Ted Face The Music but thought its gag-rate was far too hit and miss for it to take a place on the top spot. Buffaloed was a kind of “M’eh” blue-collar Wolf of Wall Street with yet another fantastic ‘How the fuck isn’t she a huge star already’ turn from Zoey Deutch. Timmy Failure: Mistakes Were Made was a quirky out-of-leftfield oddity that me and my eldest son enjoyed a great deal. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga was not the travesty you would’ve thought it’d be, mainly because of Rachel McAdams, but if Will Ferrell had just leaned a little harder towards his more absurdist style of humour (the killer fairy shit for example?) this could have been so much more. Finally, the second Borat film had some utterly majestic moments of cringe-comedy that make it worthy of a mention but the mechanics of joke-execution and faked set-pieces were far more on show this time around.

And now, if you’re still hanging in there that is, here is my actual Top 25 films of 2020…

25. Skyfire

I don't know whether it's because I’ve been starved of my usual 'Summer Silly Season' this year but I absolutely fucking LOVED this. It's the stupidest, most ridiculous, relentlessly bonkers "Jurassic Park - but with volcanos" fare you could ask for. I have no idea what the fuck Jason Isaac is doing in this but I’m so glad he is because it just adds to the glorious WTF-ery of it all. It's 30 minutes of mechanical lay-up followed by 60 minutes of non-stop, audacious carnage. It's been a long time since me and my wife have had this much fun watching something.

24. Bad Education

Dropped exclusively to Sky Cinema here, this is a great little film that has a shocking true story at its centre. Hugh Jackman and Allison Janney are absolutely terrific. Both of them are the sort of talents who've been in bad movies but never ever given a bad performance regardless.

Here both Jackman and Janney are having a ball with the material and they elevate a very good film into something that demands to be seen.

23. Blood Quantum

This was definitely one of the first-class b-movie horrors of the year for me. It does wonders on screen with very little AND it gives a shot in the arm to the zombie subgenre. It leads you into thinking you're getting yet another zombie-breakout film before expertly wrongfooting you into growing into something else. It's a Native American NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD meets MAD MAX!

22. Bad Boys For Life

This was a first-rate blast, it really was. From the inexplicable reusing of the 'Simpson/Bruckheimer' production card to the reworking of Mark Mancina's original theme, it draws you straight back to that 1990s blockbuster vibe. It's not just very funny and stacked with some pretty decent action sequences but, rather bizarrely, it actually has something interesting to say about ageing and masculinity... because nowadays Joe Carnahan is killing it when it comes to introspective recalibrations on what it means to be a man. If you were to spoil this movie for someone and reveal what the "twist" is it would sound like the stupidest, hokiest shit ever. And yet inexplicably they make it work. And furthermore, Martin Lawrence goes from the tag-along in this franchise to the platinum level MVP here. The entire final third is held up higher by his insanely good line delivery ("Would you fuck a witch without a condom?") and it's most likely how he plays shit as to why that stupid, hokey plot twist works as well as it does.

Over the course of three separate decades each BAD BOYS entry has, in itself, served to be a somewhat accidentally perfect reflection of the very cinematic decade it landed in: The first is possibly one of the last to truly and wholeheartedly successfully land that perfect marriage between the 'MTV era' and the blockbusters; bringing about the boom of the "music video director as filmmaker" that the 1990s became well known for. The second was a pitch perfect reflection of the gratuitous, often empty-headed, completely excessive pop culture period we were birthing in the 2000s. And the third lands now, right in the very time period where masculinity is being put under a spotlight and men are being asked to be more self-reflective about themselves and their conduct.

With that said, the fourth will obviously therefore land sometime in 2029 and deal with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence wandering a pandemic-ravaged Miami wasteland.

21. Wolfwalkers

This is one of the most lovely, visually wondrous, sumptuous animated films you'll experience this year. Or in quite some time, actually. It’s not just a great adventure film but it’s also a really effective ‘message’ movie that manages to teach about tolerance and friendship along with the perils of fear-mongering, without ever being overly preachy.

20. An American Pickle

This was one of the surprises of the year for me; I THOUGHT I was getting a quirky Seth Rogen fish-out-of-water comedy and instead I got that... with a massive dollop of heart, humour and interesting things to say about legacy and 'cancel culture'. I liked it a lot. It's also further evidence of how intriguing a talent Seth Rogen is becoming; jumping between broad commercial fare and original off-kilter stuff like this, producing and developing fascinating projects for film and TV and working to pass the ladder back down to others too.

19. Get Duked

I say this with only a modicum of bias as I know someone who worked a little bit on this film but this was genuinely brilliant - the absolute laugh-out-loud delight we all need right now. At the time I watched this I don’t think I’d smiled in nearly a fortnight but this broke through with me. Its wrap-up is a little too silly for its own good but that aside, this thing is absolutely stuffed with some TRULY great gags! This is one of the best comedies of the year for me.

18. Host

I had been giving this the big ol' swerve because it sounded like unoriginal, overhyped pish frankly and... fuck it, if that hype isn't absolutely deserved: It's a lean, effective, scary incredibly enjoyable ride. Made all the more fascinating by the fact it was made remotely on a shoestring with the director apparently never being in the same room as his cast at any one time due to Covid restrictions.

NB: I could not find a GIF to represent Rob Savage’s Host sufficiently so here’s Jack Black doing a backyard pandemic dance instead... 

17. Sweetheart

What a crackin, lean, little horror thriller it is. It gets straight underway from its fade-up and never overcooks itself or leans hard on lazy exposition, silly character actions or bad deus ex machinas. Remember when Jonathan Mostow made BREAKDOWN and it felt like such a shot in the arm for the man-against-the-odds/standard thriller? This is like that - but for survival dramas and creature features! It commits fully to its high concept, helped along by a truly excellent performance by Kiersey Clemons and some really well-delivered set-pieces (that first flare scene is very well done!). If you watched Tom Hanks in CASTAWAY and thought to yourself "This film is great but what it really needs is a monster!" then this is definitely the film for you. And if you believe the rumours, it’s allegedly a sneaky Creature From The Black Lagoon redo for Blumhouse’s expanding ‘Monster Universe’ too.

16. Soul

I really connected with this. I like Inside Out a great deal but I’ve never understood why it's spoken of as a flawless masterpiece when it's overlong, tonally all over the place and has clunky as fuck casting. In the same breath, I don't understand why the reviews for this are so disparate. I thought it was a wonderful way to spend 100+ minutes. It was visually inventive, funny and inspiring. It doesn't quite seed its VERY deep otherworld-building foundations and Graham Norton doesn't really work in his role but overall I thought it was a delight. And, unlike Onwards, it really does lend itself to repeat visits.

15. Tenet

I had real trepidation about seeing this what with the reviews being all over the place but... well... Is it complete, barely comprehensible bunkum of the highest order? Yes. Could the film have benefited from Nolan letting his brother Jonathan have a pass at the script? Hell yes! Is it most definitely not the majestic masterpiece of masterpieces it thinks it is? Yup. Yet in spite of ALL that I had an absolute blast with it, I really did. If you give it a seconds thought it crumbles completely as the utter egotistical piffle it really is. But where it excels is in looking so gorgeous, being so kinetic and massive with its action and casting with actors who sell the shit out of a hokey script that you're so consumed with the spectacle you don't smell the bullshit until its over. Washington Jr has come out of nowhere these last few years to make me a big fan of his work - and Robert Pattinson has went from being an actor I couldn't fucking abide to being someone I now really rate and who I came away from watching this thinking "Yeah, that's your goddamn perfect James Bond right there!"

14. Da 5 Bloods

It works infinitely better as a 'men on a mission' action adventure shot through the off-kilter lens of a Spike Lee "joint" then it does as a searing commentary about race, war, etc. And that's probably why Spike's choice to include real war atrocity photos and documentary footage alongside the narrative doesn't land as successfully as he probably intended it to. But as an overall film, it's a genuinely great watch. Delroy Lindo has always been one of the greatest working actor. Here he perhaps delivers his ultimate masterclass. Regardless of whether awards season moves online or not, you cannot have any SERIOUS dialogue during it that doesn't have his performance heading the conversation. Ignore the dickheads online putting this in the same bubble as TROPIC THUNDER or DIE HARD (??). This is a wink and a nod to TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE and APOCALYPSE NOW, through and through. It's big, bombastic, broad and unafraid to swing out in every direction. It's not flawless but that doesn't mean it's not fuckin ~great~!

13. His House

This very much stands as both one of the most impressive debuts and modern horror movies I’ve seen in quite some time. It's an effective, lean, interesting film that buries under your skin and takes up residency there. Go into it knowing as little as you possibly can and then let it scare the shit out of you and, in its reveals, kick the shit back into you.

12. Tread

I really, REALLY liked this. It's my favourite documentary film of this year - made by that fella who did the bonkers-bad killer dog in the warehouse movie with Adrian Brody, no less! It's an absolutely fascinating true story I knew nothing about, brilliantly intermingling talking heads, archival news footage, dramatic reconstruction and audio recordings. It'll really drop your jaw - it's most definitely one of those 'needs to be seen to be believed' type deals because if you described this to someone as having happened they'd never believe you!

11. Bacarau

No plot description really does this film justice and the less you know going in the better an experience you’ll have. It’s an odd, deeply violent, unsettling, darkly funny, bizarro confection of The Most Dangerous Game meets Assault on Precinct 13 and… well… even that doesn’t really do the film any justice whatsoever. It’s a critique of dire political circumstance mixed with political satire mixed with the tropes of the Western, the siege movie and both horror and comedy. It’s very much its own thing. And that’s what makes it so wonderous.

... and it’s sort of both wondrous AND weird that when searching for Bacarau related GIFs, this was the Brazilian offering I was given! I apologise.

10. Alone

I found this came out of nowhere to be one of my favourite films of the year; a crazily efficient, brutal B-movie without an inch of fat on it that works its propulsive and well-structured screenplay hard to make you feel like you're seeing a new variant on the "stalked woman in peril" film. John Hyams - son of Peter and the man who reconfigured the UNIVERSAL SOLDIER franchise to superb effect - has made one hell of an effective movie that beautifully captures the vastness of the Pacific Northwest: this is one part DUEL, one part FIRST BLOOD, all parts odes to everything from THE GREY, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE and the last third of THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. It's very easy to make films like this. But it's clearly hard to make them as great as Hyams has done here, otherwise everyone would be doing it. Maybe coz what those films don't have is lead performances as strong and brilliant as Jules Willcox and Marc Menchaca give here.

9. American Murder: The Family Next Door

This is an incredibly powerful true crime documentary on a horrific tragedy, in which Jenny Popplewell tightly and clinically weaves through police interviews, news coverage and Shanann Watts' phone, laptop and social media to weave a moving and ultimately devastating portrait of her and her children's death at the hands of one of the worst forms of evil I’ve ever been exposed to. This still haunts me to this day.

8. Greyhound

I was really impressed with this. A crisp, lean, tension-drenched watch with yet another rock solid Tom Hanks performance centring it. It strips back all the tropes of these war pictures - the character backstories about post-war hopes and dreams, the cutaways to the families back home, the subplots involving the villains - and keeps a propulsive commitment to just this situation, this boat and the people on it; who only talk to one another about the job they're doing. As a result, it's completely involving and committed with action set-pieces that are clean, tense and entertaining as hell. Genuinely had a great time watching this and highly recommend it.

7. #Alive

Whilst the TRAIN TO BUSAN sequel earned rightfully shakey reviews, think of this as an unofficial prequel / 'side-sequel'. It is a tight, disciplined thrill-ride that throws up some interesting spins on old zombie set-pieces (climbing zombie vs. toy drone, for example). It may well deflate as it heads to its denouement but all before it was strong and entertaining enough for it to stand as one of his favourite horrors from this year.

6. The Invisible Man

This started good... then got very good... then got quite frankly flat-out tremendous and then entered a final third flipping anyone the 'bird' who thought that the trailers gave too much away. There is some truly tremendous, inventive and not at all 'cheap' jump scares. In fact, the whole second act is nothing else BUT terrifically effective scare after scare. All bolstered by a REALLY committed lead performance by Elizabeth Moss. Between this and UPGRADE, Leigh Whannell has not only become seriously one to watch but he's possibly just outed himself as John Carpenter's one-true heir.

5. Lynn + Lucy

I was left completely broken by this - what a truly fantastic piece of British cinema; a dark, uncompromising morality play for the modern age with a truly jaw-dropping performance by Nicola Burley. And, Jesus Christ, what an unbelievable find Roxanne Scrimshaw is?? THIS is her acting debut? Holy SHITBALLS! It's harrowing stuff that'll really make you think.

4. Parasite

This really is absolutely ~everything~ people are claiming it to be and more too! It's an exquisite piece of work, in love with the art of spinning out a story, narrative layers, sociological parables and effortlessly terrific direction. It builds and builds in an utterly enthralling manner and then... the pressure valve pops, taking you down a whole other audacious avenue that'll have you giggling at the insanity but still completely hooked.

3. Uncut Gems

It’s alright been memed and GIF’d to death but that doesn’t change the fact that it really is an astounding film - it's completely exhausting and quite honestly one of the most anxiety-inducing films I’ve seen in a long, long time. Even on multiple go-arounds, I found myself screaming at the screen, begging Adam Sandler's character to just fucking STOP for five seconds and... and... it's inescapable as to the direction down in which it heads but it goes there at such a propulsive rate, it is actually scary. An absolutely astounding film - it's like a John Cassavetes film shot with the adrenaline drawn from a Michael Bay action movie... and believe every bit of the buzz: Adam Sandler is jaw-droppingly fucking excellent in this!

2. Wolf of Snow Hollow

I thought this was a complete delight. Once again Jim Cummings has taken a film 'type' you THINK you know and infused it with his own very specific sense of humour to give us something that's very much delightfully off-kilter. What's more, as a sophomore directing effort, Cummings deserves all the plaudits for the massive advancement: There's action scenes and scary set-pieces that are really first rate and are way more accomplished than what you'd expect from someone only on their second movie and have never worked in the horror genre before. Cummings is REALLY funny in the lead role too but it's Robert Forster's final performance that'll break your heart. He was a hard miss anyway but this very much drives home what a great guy we've lost.

1.     The Way Back

Gavin O'Connor has hit the trifecta with this, Miracle and Warrior on making a masterful sports drama and using it as a platform to 'say something' and draw a career best from a talented but under-appreciated actor (first Kurt Russell, then Nick Nolte and now Ben Affleck).

Affleck is astounding here. Fallible, real and pained. He's truly brilliant. There’s a realism to every movement he makes and every breath he exhales that only someone who has struggled with addiction will recognise. And around him is a deconstruction of the sporting underdog movie as we know it - it's only by the end that we truly realise that this has always been about the connections made through the game rather than the game itself.

Like with Warrior, you can go back and watch this umpteen times and find different strokes in the human and unspoken moments. If ever there was a secretly feel-good film for 2020 it is this – the movie that tells us that it doesn’t matter how hard or how far we fall, we are defined only by the moments in which we rise again.

And that’s that. See you all next year. Maybe ;) 

[sadrien]

me and my friends watched more miraculous. it continued to be a wild ride

part one

stuff that’s not in quotes is me, anything in quotes is one of my friends

(note: some nsfw stuff, including sex mentions this time)

copycat

“i think alya’s my favorite so far”

“alya’s thicc”

i like how she hides “that’s what i would do”

“i hope he hears it”

[if he does i’ll die of shame] “me”

“[adrien]’s a sexy beast”

[it’s locked!] “no SHIT it’s called a LOCKer”

[what does ladybug see in him?] “god only knows”

“i love how i relate to the butterflies because they’re all like on the ground around him, but when they see the harsh light of day they all *hisses*”

[the thought makes me puuurrrr] “*shudders* can we NOT”

[of course adrien would own a high tech phone] mari you do too “pfff yeah it’s right there”

“why won’t this thing come off? because it’s extra”

[transforms] “extra”

“*points to chat* yellow”

(more copycat, as well as dark cupid, pixelator, animan, darkblade, the pharaoh, timebreaker, and the gamer under the cut)

[police hit shields] “*snorts* why was that necessary?” “they’re french”

“*to her pet cat* you are a cat. but you are not a black cat. you are a cat i love very much.”

“BUGABOO! that was so cute”

“[chat]’s so golden”

[gets handcuffed] “rough life”

(i can’t believe they didn’t comment more on the handcuffs honestly)

“i feel like i’m watching power rangers”

“hey siobhan. adrien’s pretty flexible” “sexy beast” “and marinette’s pretty flexible.” “kinky sex.” both of you need to stop

“now it’s pokemon”

“chat noir is my favorite pokemon”

“awww chAT LOVES HER” “SADRIEN”

“i’m so invested in this show it’s not even funny.”

dark cupid

“i didn’t know mario characters were in this”

god he is really yellow “i told you. he has like a golden glow”

“i love that little bean” [tikki]

“i love that cat” [plagg] “i love adrien he needs a hug” “i love everyone in this show. except chloe”

“bitch” “[chloe]’s so meaaaaaan. why do people have to be so mean”

“look it’s mothman” “mothman! i don’t even know his real name anymore” hawk moth “mothman!”

“i hate that word [evilize]” you told us. several times. “good cause i hate it.”

“HAH!” “HAH! miraculous is my favorite anime” “she sounds like when tortoises have sex”

[chat gets hit] “NO” “uh oh” “NO NO THEY’RE IN LOVE”

“tea you know how sensitive i am i’m tearing up”

“adrien is sad enough hE DOESN’T NEED THIS”

“they’re in love you can’t do this to them”

“tea you don’t understand how hard i’m try not to cry right now. i’m not kidding” 

“this is a show for six year olds and i’m crying”

“did [chloe] just scream daddy? how about we don’t”

“tea if they kiss i’m gonna actually cry”

[get back you savage] “ME” “me when my boyfriend’s trying to kiss me”

[chloe falls] “don’t hurt her. i hate her but— don’t hurt her” “literally just kill her”

[ladybug ties chat to lamppost] “christian gray?” “spiderman?”

“me trying to get a boy to kiss me”

[bugeyes] “THATS REALLY SAD BECAUSE HE CALLS HER BUGABOO I HATE THIS SHOW”

“tea this is really sad because i’m going to go home and read fanfiction about this” uh funny story

“let’s play a game called let’s guess tea’s fan fiction”

[and now for the pussycat] “and now for the pussy” “stop”

[kiss] “WAHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHHAHAAAAAAAA”

“he doesn’t remember and i’m upset”

“*crying* they’re in lOVE”

“alright tea that’s fine. just get me into a show for six year olds and make me cry”

“tea does he not remember” nope “fuckING”

[pound it] “pound each other”

[ladybug leaves before chat tells her he loves her] “nooooo NOOOO he was gonna tell her that he loves her. i hate everything”

they’re like fifteen “they’re CUTE”

[the card isn’t signed] “ARE YOU KIDDING ME” “*disappointed sigh*” “ARE YOU KIDDING ME. SHHHFFFFFF *face down on floor crying*”

hey look it’s the kiss “SIOBHAN YOU’RE MISSING IT” “*looks up and screams*”

“i wanna die. i hate you tea”

“looks to me with tears in eyes* THIS IS AS BAD AS TINKERBELL. I’M LITERALLY CRYING. I’M ACTUALLY CRYING. TEA”

“tea i hate you this SUCKS”

“they’re like victor and yuuri but straight” “*in a terrible russian accent* HELLO YUURI”

(they literally won’t stop crying)

pixelator

“caitlyn shut up” “i’m not kidding actual tears are coming out of my eyes”

[daddyyyyy] “stop saying that”

[jagged stone appears] “oh my GOD”

“tea i’m never gonna forgive you”

“i love that crocodile. can i have a crocodile” no “FANG HAS A CROCODILE” FANG IS THE CROCODILE

“EAT HIM”

“for some reason [stalker person] kind of reminds me of markiplier”

his outfit’s interesting, but whose isn’t? “you mean the condom man?”

“ohhhhh i get it. gopher. go FOR. i’m so smart”

“can i have one of those small children [kwami]” no??? “why not look at it’s little face!”

“now he REALLY looks like markiplier”

“ok [chloe]’s hair changes color like every episode”

[adrien gets zapped] “dammit. no. NO”

“he’s goLDEN”

[to chloe] “stoP TOUCHING HIM”

“[tikki] has a small tail. i love that”

“i love that— why can’t i have a crocodile”

“i love owl man” [the principal]

“you’re safe with owl man”

[chloe speaks] “shut up. stop touching ADRIEN”

[friend’s mom: what the hell?] “it’s a show for six year olds

“i love that crocodile”

“look that BEAN” [plagg]

“i love that. i’ve never actually watched his transformation but he goes like that and his ears pop up and love that”

“the fans mess everything up”

[plays piano] “brendon urie is that you”

animan

“LOOK ANIMAN! miraculous is my favorite anime”

“please tell me [nino]’s going up to alya” nope “*disappointed sigh*”

“this is literally midsummer night’s dream”

[mari and adrien bump heads] “KISS”

“i feel like there are just people hiding in the showers— i mean—“ “hiding in the showers?” “yes the shadows”

“i love that, every time she talks there’s a little emoji”

“oh my god i love [max and kim]. they’re in love”

“i love this so much”

“once my brother almost got eaten by a panther”

[tell her that i love you marinette] “WAHHHHHHH”

“is that an elephant? what the fuck?”

why is this show so extra “why is your life so extra?”

they’re locked in a cage together “sex” “christian gray” “christian gray is that you” i hate you both

[ladybug scratches under chat’s chin] “yes.....YES”

“neither of [her parents] have blue eyes” “yeah that’s a little annoying” *science talk*

“i love him. i want to marry chat.”

[chat: couldn’t he have chosen a slower moving animal?] “ME”

“if i had an animorph, i’d be a platypus” “i hate you so much. ....i think i’d be a wolf. a lone wolf. because i hate people.”

apparently i’d be a koala

“it’s gonna be tight *wiggles eyebrows*”

i can’t believe she pulled down a dinosaur “same”

“i feel like….adrien has been traumatized by that”

*friend misses hug* “awww yoU YOU MISSED IT!” “what happened to your—“ “REWIND YOU PIECE OF SHIT”

[hug] “AWWWWWW he loves her”

darkblade

remember when i was going to be productive today? *both turn to stare at me* ok stop judging me

[knights people] “YES”

“that was extra”

“he sounds like a really bad shakespeare actor”

[chat falls backwards off bridge] “me” me “me too chat”

“what is his name? darkbrain?”

“yes, take [chat]. and bring him to me”

“there are literally windows they could smash through”

“until the barricaaaades arriiiiiiive”

[dark blade stars destroying paris] “that’s cute” “that’s my life”

“when you realize that’s probably the best visual representation of depression you can get”

(after this we watched the pharaoh but we kept the commentary to a minimal because we’d been watching a lot and were tired. also they were getting really into it)

timebreaker

(mostly soft and quiet commentary for this one)

“this poor woman who just wanted her stupid cake. like honestly? she just needed a cake”

[chat gets hit] “uh oh. NOOOOOO BABY. BAAAABBBYYYYYY”

“this show makes me want to die”

“the only thing i don’t like about this show is the transformations. and the fact that it makes me want to cry”

the gamer

“did he just say inconceivable”

“PAPA PAPA I DO NOT UNDERSTAND”

he’s literally just a triangle “who’s just a triangle? oh him? what the hell?”

“*whispers* they’re on a date”

“did he just say do a barrel roll? i hate him”

“this reminds me of the thing from the incredibles”

“this is my type of episode. but like really extra”

“the height difference between them is my happiness”

(obviously we talked less toward the end as we lost steam and got more invested. but they said they wouldn’t watch anymore without me, so i’ll be there when they watch origins....)

[alpineridgerunner-blog]

I had a TON of fun with this one! I wanted to see how many unique characters I could introduce in the shortest amount of time. The self-imposed challenge was really what made it so enjoyable to write, even if it didn't fully work, it was a blast!

John(3) rushed down the hall in a full sprint, yanking at objects as he went by to impede his assailant's path. First, a water cooler, then a standing desk, a computer monitor, a motivational poster, and finally Sara Ann. "Sorry, hun," he called over his shoulder, "old habit." Sara Ann landed on her shoulder with a crack, she grunted as she tried to roll through it, but her body wasn't used to the motion and instead got stuck halfway and folded in on itself. With a grunt, she righted herself. "Motherfu-"Micheals' foot interrupted. "Now, sweetheart. Which way did our good buddy John(3) go?" Sara Ann flipped to her back, her chest arched high as she grabbed her chin and groaned. She blinked hard, Micheals smug face coming into view as he knelt down to inspect his handy work. "Well?" With a snarl, she spat a red stream of blood at his face. Micheal feigned dusting it off his shoulder like an old rap song and smiled. As he readied his fist for another punchline, a phone on the desk next to them started to ring. A puzzled look struck both their faces, and after a few more awkward chimes, he reached over and answered it, never taking his eyes off Sara Ann. "Hello?" "I'm going to find you," came the reply. "Who is this?" "And I'm going to kick your ass!" Casey slammed the phone hard against the receive, nearly knocking it off the wall. "Let's go," he barked as he jumped over the receptionist desk, his fathers oversized boot knocking a bowl of candy corn off the desk along the way. He drew his pistol and fired two shots into the card reader, but the door wouldn't budge. He fired six more into the handle, dismantling it completely, while the door remained shut. “Impenetrable, huh? We’ll see about that,” he huffed as he stepped back to lean in for a kick. As his foot left the ground, however, a calm voice from behind surprised him, causing him to lose his focus and his balance. "I don't eat candy.” The unnamed voice spoke, “But once a year, on the last week of September, during that magical time when the retail seasons begin to change, I allow myself one, very special bag of the worlds most delicious treat." Casey regained his balance and turned to see a man standing just past the revolving door dressed in a suit and tie and grenade belt. "You!" Jean cried out. "You know this guy, Jean?" Casey asked, using his pistol like as a laser pointer. Jean spat on the floor. "Yeah I know him, this candy ass has had it out for me. Pretty sure he started this whole Cobb-damn thing. Think it's time we kettled things!" With a jerk of his arm, Jean’s shotgun folded over and he pulled two shells from the hello kitty fanny pack at his hip. "Pick it up, filth," John(1) interjected respectfully, his head nodding to the scattered bow of treats on the floor. "Make me," Jean jerked his arm again, his shotgun loaded- but a half second too late. John(1) lobbed his already pulled grenade at the pair and adjusted his tie. The explosion decimated his two opponents, the locked door, and the striped candy. As the smoke and blood settled, he made his way through the door. “Shame," John(1) muttered to himself as he popped an orange and white cone into his cheek. "Real, shame." As he made his way through the first level row of cubicles, one of the nameplates caught his eye. "No," he whispered to himself as he stepped closer, reading it over and over again to be sure. His hands began to shake as he turned the corner of the padded cardboard wall and peered in. "It can't be," but he could barely form the words. From inside the office cube, a chuckle, followed by the screech of plastic casters scratched as his ears. The woman spun around, her fingers tee-peed in front of that devilish smile. "Hello, John(1)." "Martha." "You look great," she drawled, emphasizing the hard 'a,' in classic Marthabitch style. "You look positively succubus-y," he replied shakily. Martha cackled, leaning back in her chair, her long black hair nearly touching the floor. Then in an instant and with the grace of a black swan she was on her feet and circling him, her sharp fingernail tracing the crips contours in his suit as he stood, motionless, like a rabbit in the jaws of a wolf. "How have you been, John(1)? Miss," she leaned in close to his ear, her bottom lip flicking his lobe with her last word, "me?" That was all it took for his head to go spinning, his stomach to lurch with regret and weakness, he'd just wished someone would have told that to John(3) before he barreled past and shoved them both to the floor. It was wholly unnecessary. "Out of my way, lover boy," he called back, but as he stepped through the smoldering door, his white sneakers screeched across the marble tile of the office lobby, stopping dead in his tracks. "That's for my wife, road-runner, " Came a growl from the lobby, just before John(3) hit the floor, his hands clutched around the arrow in his heart. Max pulled another from the quiver on his back and reloaded his crossbow with a single hand. Seeing John(1) and Martha rolling about on the floor, however, he decided it'd be best to try the service elevator, and slipped away without their notice. As the floors ticked by, he closed his eyes and tried to think back to the good ol' days. If these terrorist bastards hadn't started all of this, he'd be enjoying his traditional meat lovers omelet and hash browns right now. Floor 9. Macy Lou would probably be refilling his coffee and calling him 'hun' just like he liked. Floor 17. His wife would be at home, raising their kids better than he ever could. Floor 42- the elevator dinged a final time and settled into place on the top floor. But no- these terrorist fucks decided to start something. As the doors slid apart, he reached for a cigarette and patted his pockets, and thought for a moment that he’d heard the elevator sigh. Pfft, what did he know. "Need a light?" Max glanced up, but all he saw was a coffee pot filled with kerosene and a long tail of fire coming out of it. James, ignoring the screaming ball of flames, reached his hand inside of the door and pressed a button pretty low on the list, then stepped back and waved as the door shut, snuffing out the obnoxious wails. James pulled a small pocket-sized notebook from his coat and scratched off Max's name and muttered to himself, little flicks of ash raining down with each syllable. "Only one shithead left to go. These terrorist’ll rue the day. Now,” he slipped the book back in his coat and sucked hard on the cigar. “Where you at, cap’n crunch?” --- Captain Charles rubbed his forehead as the young lieutenant pleaded with him. "Sir, we have to do something! There aren't even any terrorist left in the building. These people are just, their just-" but he couldn't find the words. Charles took a breath, and then set his badge on the desk. "What are you going to do, captain?” The hardened old man turned and regarded the fair skinned pup with sorrowful eyes for a final time. "I'm going to finish this, son. " Original Reddit Source Read the full article

[mermaidsirennikita]

IAD Hero Power Rankings: Part III

Another Wroth brother joins the fray, and while he is extremely hot, I can't say that he quite tops Conrad and Bowen for me. He does, however, top Myst. A lot.

Conrad Wroth, vampire, Dark Needs at Night’s Edge

Pros:

–exceedingly good at removing obstacles between him and what he wants

–a virgin and SUPER embarrassed about it in a way that is INCREDIBLY precious (when he finally fucked this woman and went "So I was good?" I almost fucking wept)

–murder puppy only wants death and blood (until he discovers………… other things)

–a natural born dirty talker

–BABY BOY…. BABY BOY…./EVIL

Cons:

–has erectile dysfunction for a significant part of his book, he gets better but I was so sad for him

–I mean, is fully insane and wants to murder his entire family, but nobody’s perfect and Nikolai kinda deserves it

--wears sunglasses indoors

--got aroused while buying underwear for her and had to limp home

--made Bowen MacRrieve sad and that makes me really upset because I love Bowen MacRieve

2. Bowen MacRieve, werewolf, Wicked Deeds on a Winter’s Night

Pros:

–is a werewolf general

–was celibate for 1200 years after his lover got so scared of his wolf form that she gored herself on a tree stump (lmao)

–spent those 1200 years trying to bring her back to life

–great at catching and preparing seafood

–breeding kink (wants to put all the bairns in Mariketa)

–kinda into bondage…?

–gets hard at the thought of Mariketa’s carnage, even when he is the carnage

--update pro: gets sent to a party by himself so that Mariketa can run an errand and just sits there confused and miserable at the bar by himself waiting for her to show up even though he knows people there; I imagine this is much like that SNL skit about a dog park for boyfriends, where the shy boyfriend hides under a picnic table

Cons:

–kind of a fuckboy (will say his dead lover’s name when he comes, ONE TIME, but “Mariketa” and “Mariah” begin similarly so)

–doesn’t like it when Mariketa chant incantations into her mirror because it creeps him out

–breeding kink (casually tries to get her to stop taking birth control)

–makes fun of Mariketa’s vibrator, even if I found that actually hilarious

3. Nikolai Wroth, vampire, The Warlord Wants Forever

Pros:

--deeply efficient and good at his job (being a bloodthirsty warlord), which turns his mate on as much as it should literally everyone else

--scars all over

--very family-oriented, which means he's extreeeeemely daddy, and very much uses that in the bedroom

--will try to make nice with your bitchy sisters for you

--is receptive to therapy, even if the therapist was his beaten and bruised brother whose advice was basically "do better"

Cons:

--did steal Myst's chain and used it to make her come on command; which, while I liked it, was very much non-consensual

--insecure about Myst's history as the greatest femme fatale of the last couple millennia (though he gets better and decides to be a sex-positive feminist)

--that time that he turned his little brothers into vampires against their will

--was so down bad that he literally started to waste away when Myst didn't let him get off for five years

--does not properly heat his manor

4. Lachlain MacRieve, werewolf, A Hunger Like No Other

Pros:

–chewed his own leg off to get to Emma

–actually pretty good at being the werewolf king (saves Bowen from his own stupidity multiple times, much daddy, very authoritative)

–saw Emma kill her own dad and basically swooned

–is absolutely down to get his blood sucked… through his penis (I believe he says that’s the only way he’ll accept BJs now…?)

–honestly very apologetic once he calms down from being completely insane (and burning underground for 150 years… will do that)

Cons:

–I mean yes Lachlain is one of the rape-iest IAD heroes even if most of that was werewolf instinct

–doesn’t know how to use an iPod

–but will max out your credit cards

5. Sebastian Wroth, vampire, No Rest for the Wicked

Pros:

–basically a virgin when he meets Kaderin

–Gentleman in the Streets Freak in That Random Nightclub Where He SNAPS

–joined the mile high club remarkably fast

–throws out all his principles for her

–Speaks Like Dracula but in a “I vant to suck your clit” way

Cons:

–borderline beta, or as beta as a murderous centuries old vampire warlord can be

–a little tooooo accommodating of Kaderin’s bullshit

–could have been more demanding, to be honest (Bowen and Lachlain would noooot have been as patient as he was, which some would like but I was a little weary of)

[mermaidsirennikita]

IAD Hero Power Rankings: II

We have a new champion!!!!!!!!!!

Conrad Wroth, vampire, Dark Needs at Night’s Edge

Pros:

–exceedingly good at removing obstacles between him and what he wants

–a virgin and SUPER embarrassed about it in a way that is INCREDIBLY precious (when he finally fucked this woman and went "So I was good?" I almost fucking wept)

–murder puppy only wants death and blood (until he discovers………… other things)

–a natural born dirty talker

–BABY BOY…. BABY BOY…./EVIL

Cons:

–has erectile dysfunction for a significant part of his book, he gets better but I was so sad for him

–I mean, is fully insane and wants to murder his entire family, but nobody’s perfect and Nikolai kinda deserves it

--wears sunglasses indoors

--got aroused while buying underwear for her and had to limp home

--made Bowen MacRrieve sad and that makes me really upset because I love Bowen MacRieve

2. Bowen MacRieve, werewolf, Wicked Deeds on a Winter’s Night

Pros:

–is a werewolf general

–was celibate for 1200 years after his lover got so scared of his wolf form that she gored herself on a tree stump (lmao)

–spent those 1200 years trying to bring her back to life

–great at catching and preparing seafood

–breeding kink (wants to put all the bairns in Mariketa)

–kinda into bondage…?

–gets hard at the thought of Mariketa’s carnage, even when he is the carnage

--update pro: gets sent to a party by himself so that Mariketa can run an errand and just sits there confused and miserable at the bar by himself waiting for her to show up even though he knows people there; I imagine this is much like that SNL skit about a dog park for boyfriends, where the shy boyfriend hides under a picnic table

Cons:

–kind of a fuckboy (will say his dead lover’s name when he comes, ONE TIME, but “Mariketa” and “Mariah” begin similarly so)

–doesn’t like it when Mariketa chant incantations into her mirror because it creeps him out

–breeding kink (casually tries to get her to stop taking birth control)

–makes fun of Mariketa’s vibrator, even if I found that actually hilarious

3. Lachlain MacRieve, werewolf, A Hunger Like No Other

Pros:

–chewed his own leg off to get to Emma

–actually pretty good at being the werewolf king (saves Bowen from his own stupidity multiple times, much daddy, very authoritative)

–saw Emma kill her own dad and basically swooned

–is absolutely down to get his blood sucked… through his penis (I believe he says that’s the only way he’ll accept BJs now…?)

–honestly very apologetic once he calms down from being completely insane (and burning underground for 150 years… will do that)

Cons:

–I mean yes Lachlain is one of the rape-iest IAD heroes even if most of that was werewolf instinct

–doesn’t know how to use an iPod

–but will max out your credit cards

4. Sebastian Wroth, vampire, No Rest for the Wicked

Pros:

–basically a virgin when he meets Kaderin

–Gentleman in the Streets Freak in That Random Nightclub Where He SNAPS

–joined the mile high club remarkably fast

–throws out all his principles for her

–Speaks Like Dracula but in a “I vant to suck your clit” way

Cons:

–borderline beta, or as beta as a murderous centuries old vampire warlord can be

–a little tooooo accommodating of Kaderin’s bullshit

–could have been more demanding, to be honest (Bowen and Lachlain would noooot have been as patient as he was, which some would like but I was a little weary of)