#i got sidetracked but i'm here now for at least an hour

[yazmarina]

dime, ¿esto es lo que tú quería'?

charles leclerc and oscar piastri x fem!reader

how about a reward for monaco's p1 and p2?

warnings/notes: smut, threesome, a blowjob, slight degradation, dirty talk, unprotected sex (wrap it up, people!!!), cumshot, creampie, gagging, light choking

a/n: very ambitious and would not set me free until i wrote it...so please enjoy <3

.

You really had no idea how you ended up here.

Arthur is a good friend of yours, having met him when you first came to work for Ferrari under the communication department, mostly being assigned to handle the Academy and development drivers' communication needs. You and Arthur got on well, and eventually, you were hanging out with him and his other friends on the weekends.

The two of you were strictly friendly, something you've had to clear out multiple times to work superiors, nosy colleagues, insistent reporters, you name it.

Arthur isn't your type, point blank, period.

His older brother was a different topic altogether.

Charles was sensitive, artistic, a prince charming in all aspects. Being in close proximity to Arthur meant you spent some time with Charles, too, but those were few and far between and every time you were within five feet of Charles, you were reduced to a tongue-tied mess.

Regardless, Arthur insisted you come along to the celebrations after Charles' most recent win in Monaco.

"Charles knows who you are and you're my friend. He won't mind," Arthur pleaded earlier that day as you were packing up after the podium celebrations.

"What if you go running off and I'm left alone?" You asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I won't go running off," Arthur promised. "I'll be with you the whole night. I'll even help you look for a guy you can go home with!"

And yet you're here in the present, sitting on a couch in the VIP section, alone.

Well, not really. You're surrounded by people but none of them are talking to you. Arthur had gone to get more drinks half an hour ago and you know by now that he probably was sidetracked by other friends or something to that effect.

You have half a mind to call it a night, your hand already reaching for your purse, when you hear a voice call out.

"________! You're here!"

You look up and your heart seems to jump right into your throat.

Charles is beaming down at you, a flag of Monaco draped around his shoulders, his previously styled hair now sticking up in all directions.

You caught a glimpse of Charles earlier when you arrived with Arthur, but the race winner was too busy doing shots for you to have properly said hi.

But he's here now. And he's sliding into the space beside you.

"Where's Arthur?" Charles asks, reaching for an unopened Heineken on the table in front of you.

"I have no idea," you half-yell, leaning closer so Charles could hear. You feel goosebumps erupt on your skin when Charles lays a tentative hand on your back.

"You can spend time with me, then," Charles grins, moving his arm further so it fully wraps around your shoulders.

A nervous laugh escapes you but your instinct is to lean even further into Charles' touch. He's still smiling at you, though clearly inebriated with the way his eyes seem out of focus.

"Ah, Oscar!"

You turn your head to see the other third of the podium finishers, Osar Piastri himself.

"Hey!" he calls over the din of the music. "I can't find anyone! I think they just abandoned me," Oscar adds, laughing.

He takes the seat on your left, effectively sandwiching you between him and Charles. You smile politely at Oscar, reaching your hand out.

"Hi, I'm ______," you say, smiling wider as Oscar takes your hand in his and squeezes.

"I'm Oscar," he says then pauses, realizing that you probably already knew who he was if you were any friend of Charles'. He laughs, practically giggles, hiding his face in his hand.

"Sorry, I see you around the paddock sometimes, so I probably didn't need to do that," Oscar explains, cheeks turning pink, or at least you think they do, given that the lighting in this club is atrocious.

Oscar is still holding your hand and you can tell that he's tipsy too by the way he's smiling, eyes hooded and sleepy-looking.

"________ is part of communications in Ferrari," Charles explains, rubbing his thumb over the exposed skin of your shoulder. You turn to look at Charles, and the way he gazes back at you, a half smile on his lips, breath hot on your cheek, has your heart pounding incessantly against your chest.

"She's very efficient," Charles praises with a chuckle. "I like seeing her around when she works."

You make a move to swat at Charles' thigh as if to tell him off. "Stop it, I'm not at enough races for you to see me that often."

You're laughing, mostly in disbelief at the words that just came out of Charles' mouth. He likes seeing you around?

Charles shrugs. "But when you are, I notice."

You feel your neck heat up and even more so when Charles maneuvers you closer, seemingly protective. If you moved any more, you'd be on Charles' lap.

Oscar eyes the two of you and you'd give anything to read the thoughts in his head right now. The younger man locks eyes with you and smiles, sweetly at first, but then his pupils glance down briefly at your chest, barely covered by the tube top you decided to don for the evening.

The sweetness quickly melts away as Oscar bites his lip.

"You're close, then?" Oscar asks casually, scooting closer to you and Charles.

"Arthur and her are good friends," Charles points out.

"So I guess by default, _______ and I are good friends, too."

You laugh and Oscar is grinning once more at you, and god does he look handsome under these lights. You can tell that he wants to come even closer, his fingers tapping nervously on his knee. Some slow song is playing over the speakers, bass loaded and making the entire place vibrate.

You reach out, laying a hand on Oscar's thigh, squeezing just enough to get the point across.

Oscar looks over at Charles and you follow his line of sight, seeing some sort of unspoken agreement cross the two drivers.

Charles dips his head, moving even closer to you. He breathes out right next to your ear and you shiver.

"Ma chèrie," he begins. "I think we need to take this somewhere else."

You turn to look at Charles, blood roaring in your ears. "What?"

Charles looks straight into your eyes as if searching for something. He rubs a soothing hand down your back, letting it settle on your waist.

"You want to, no?" Charles asks, momentarily glancing up at Oscar. "With me and him?"

You feel a rush of excitement course through you. Surely, this isn't happening. The idea of Charles bringing you home crossed your mind briefly the moment he touched you earlier, but that's as far as you allowed yourself to imagine. But the remnants of alcohol in your system and the intoxicating atmosphere of the club must have gotten to you with the way you so brazenly made a move on Oscar.

And now you reap what you sow.

"We can hang out at my place," Oscar throws out nonchalantly as if he was simply inviting you and Charles to more drinks at his apartment.

"I just moved in and it could use a little...housewarming," Oscar adds with a pointed look.

Charles bursts out laughing, leaning down to press a kiss to your shoulder before nuzzling into the side of your neck. You glance around, hyperaware that all eyes have been on Charles the whole night, and for sure it isn't any different now.

"Andiamo," Charles whispers. "We'll make it good."

Let's go. Your months of Italian as a prerequisite to working in Ferrari barely register with you now.

Oscar slips his own hand over your thigh, his large palm covering an expanse of your skin.

"You'll love the view from my balcony," Oscar offers, tilting his head towards you. He smiles, innocent and sweet once more, simultaneously squeezing at the flesh of your thigh.

You bite your lip, suppressing whatever sounds that threatened to come out.

-

You thought you'd never make it out of the car ride to Oscar's place.

Oscar had brought his own ride and being much, much more sober than both you and Charles, he took the initiative to drive. You and Charles piled into the backseat, giggling.

"Not fair, you guys," Oscar teased from the front, eyeing you through the rearview mirror. Charles merely snickers, hands sneaking up over your chest as you settle on his lap.

"Eyes on the road, Oscar," Charles ordered, yanking your top down, exposing yourself fully to Oscar. You gasped, the cold air of the air-conditioning lending to the stiffening of your nipples. Charles began to toy with them, pinching and rolling them between his fingers, reducing you to a speechless mess. You noticed just how hard Oscar was gripping the steering wheel, tight enough that his knuckles were drained of color.

You barely had time to cover yourself back up once you got to Oscar's place, with Charles tugging you out of the car as soon as Oscar killed the ignition. The younger of the two comes around to your side of the car as you and Charles stumble out. Oscar takes your hand in his and leans down briefly to kiss you, tongue darting out to lick at the seam of your lips.

Oscar pulls away, sending Charles a look. "I was on the podium, too, mate."

"Ah, sorry Oscar," Charles says lightheartedly. "Sharing isn't really my strong suit. But for her, I will try."

Charles lands a smack on your ass, the sound loud enough to make you flinch. You involuntarily whine at the sting, tripping over your feet a bit. Oscar steadies you, laughing along with Charles.

"We're gonna have so much fun with you, chèrie," Charles teases, kissing your cheek.

The elevator ride is even worse. Or better. You can't decide.

It's just the three of you, and you're backed up into the corner, Charles being the handsier of the two, creeping both hands up your sides, his knee pushing between your legs.

"Ch-Charles, not here," you manage to warn. He increases the pressure against your core, grinning as he watches you shiver.

Oscar watches from the side, arms crossed, leaning casually against the elevator wall. You meet his gaze and he winks, smiling languidly just as Charles kisses down the side of your neck.

Soon enough, the elevator doors open and you push Charles away, startled to see a pair of middle-aged women waiting on the other side. You hurry past them out into the hallway, following Oscar who saunters down towards the end with an easy step.

"Right here," Oscar declares, unlocking a door at the very end. Charles guides you inside just as Oscar turns the light on.

The living room is spacious, with a single couch and coffee table occupying it. A deep blue rug breaks the cream flooring. Past the receiving area is the dining and kitchen, set against floor-to-ceiling windows, a staple of Monegasque apartments, as you've come to figure out. A hallway veers to the right.

"You weren't kidding about the view," you comment, taking in the night sky and the sprawling harbor.

Oscar turns back to you, and only now do you get a good look at him. The first three buttons of his shirt undone, his hair the right kind of messy, and his eyes, darker than what you're used to.

"The view in here is just as good," Oscar replies, eyes raking over your body. He reaches out, a hand resting on your waist.

"May I?" Charles whispers from behind you, tugging down the zip of your skirt. He gets it open and you let it fall to your feet, kicking it off to the side.

"So pretty," Charles adds, kissing along your upper back. Oscar hikes your top up and you let him pull it over your head, leaving you bare, save for your panties.

"I could see your tits through your shirt the whole night," Oscar comments, pointer fingers ghosting over your nipples. "Imagined what they might look like."

You gasp, leaning further back into Charles. You had no idea Oscar had that kind of mouth on him.

It turned you on to no end.

"Better than what you imagined?" You breathe out, Charles' fingers making their way over your mound, pressing over the wet spot on your underwear.

"Chèrie, you're so wet," Charles curses, rubbing you through the thin fabric. "Will you let me get a taste of you, hm?"

You nod frantically, already buckling under the lightest of touch from both men. You can only imagine how pathetic you look right now, stripped bare, with them still fully clothed.

"We should move this to the room," Oscar offers, delivering a final pinch to both of your nipples. You yelp as Oscar chuckles darkly, taking your hand in his.

It hasn't even fully started and you're already made to do the walk of shame.

Oscar's walls are still mostly bare but you feel exposed somehow, shivering despite the fairly warm temperature. He leads you and Charles to the door at the end of the hall, stepping inside while undoing the rest of the buttons on his shirt.

You're met with large double doors on one side of the room, leading to, what you can only assume, is a large balcony.

"We can do it with a view, amour," Charles says, wrapping both arms around your waist.

Oscar shrugs his shirt off and you watch as his muscles flex beneath his skin, taut and defined.

"We sure can," Oscar agrees, flinging the doors to his balcony open. The cool night breeze blows past your face and you sigh, heart rate picking up even more.

Charles gently maneuvers you closer to the open doors and your hands start to clam up. Shit, are you really doing this?

"W-Wait," you mutter. "Won't anyone see?"

Oscar approaches you, pointer finger hooking into your underwear. He tugs at it harshly, yanking it halfway off.

"We don't have to do it outside if you don't want to," Oscar says, voice low. He looks at Charles. "Don't wanna get kicked out after I've just moved in."

Charles snickers. "The bed is right there. We'll leave the doors open and let them hear you, instead."

And it's true. The bed is directly in front of the balcony doors, moonlight spilling onto Oscar's navy blue sheets. Oscar grabs fully at your soiled panties now, ripping them clean off.

You gasp, but any shock is melted away when you see Oscar ball up the torn fabric in his hand, bringing it closer to your face. He raises his eyebrows as if questioning you.

"Yes? No?" He asks, tapping beneath your chin. It clicks a little late what Oscar is asking of you but you nod, parting your lips.

Oscar grins, pushing your panties into your mouth.

Fuck.

You hear the metal clang of a belt being unbuckled behind you, followed by the crinkle of fabric as Charles lets his pants and underwear pool around his ankles.

"You and I are going to have so much fun with her, no, Oscar?" Charles asks, a hint of mischief in his voice.

Oscar undoes the button of his pants as well. "Yes, we are."

"How do you want to do this, baby?" Charles addresses you, taking hold of your hips. "Tell us."

"And maybe if you're good, we'll give you what you want," Oscar adds, a hand sliding up your chest before resting around your neck. Your breath hitches as you feel Oscar test the waters, squeezing lightly.

"Oh, wait," Charles laughs condescendingly. "She can't talk."

There's a glint in Oscar's eyes as he adds pressure around your neck. "Guess we have to decide for her then."

You whimper, arms reaching out to wrap around Oscar's own neck. He smiles at you, almost warmly, but you can still see the bubbling desire in his irises.

"You can take the gag out any time you want," Oscar instructs softly, releasing your neck. You take in a big breath through your nose.

"And if you don't like anything we're doing, say 'Monte Carlo'," Oscar adds. He nods at Charles and you feel yourself being pulled backward.

"Get on the bed," Charles commands and you scramble to do so, crawling over the mattress before turning around and laying back on your elbows.

Charles and Oscar eye you intently and you're tempted to cover yourself, but with how they've been acting the whole night, you're not sure how that would be received.

"You wanna go first?" Oscar nudges Charles lightly. The Monegasque grins widely like a kid on Christmas.

"Oh, yes," Charles concedes, getting on the bed with you. He scoots down so his face is level with your cunt.

"Hold tight, my love," Charles says before licking a thick stripe up your core. Your whole body jerks and you cry around the gag in your mouth.

Charles continues to work on your dripping pussy, alternating between flicking against your clit and circling your hole. You moan and whine and whimper, eyes tearing up as you look pleadingly at Oscar.

"Look at you," Oscar laughs. "We've barely done anything."

Charles spreads your legs even wider, licking even deeper. You're fully crying now, the buildup proving too much as you feel your body shake at your approaching orgasm.

Oscar reaches over and toys with your boobs, brushing over your nipples just the way you like it. Without warning, Oscar dips his head down and takes one in his mouth, circling the nub with his own tongue.

The added sensation nearly drives you crazy. The pressure builds rapidly inside you and you're left incoherent as you beg without words.

Not yet, fuck, I can't cum that fast–

You twitch and involuntarily press your pussy harshly against Charles' mouth as you come undone, toes curling and body seizing up. Oscar pulls away and watches as you throw your head back, fingers twisting into the sheets.

"Already?" You hear Charles' voice through the ringing in your ears. "You must really want it."

You blink through your tears, momentarily confused as you see Oscar reach for your face. You cough as you feel the dry fabric being pulled out from your mouth. Oscar tosses your ruined underwear to the side.

"I think she deserves a reward for getting there so fast," Oscar suggests, turning to Charles.

"Which one do you want a taste of first? You get to pick, sweetheart," Oscar says, wiping a stray line of drool dripping down the side of your mouth.

"Ch-Charles," you croak, throat still dry.

Charles and Oscar share a curt nod and the former moves to the head of the bed.

"Hands and knees, my love," Charles orders and you follow, getting on all fours. He settles against the headboard, leaning back as you take his cock in your hand.

"Guess you want me here, then?" Oscar says from behind you. You turn to peek over your shoulder to see Oscar stroking languidly at his cock, one of his hands coming down to spread your ass apart.

"Fuck, this view," Oscar hisses, smacking your ass once.

"I reckon, you don't need me to prep you? I can just–"

You shriek as you feel Oscar push in without warning, and though it was a surprise, the obscene amount of arousal coming from your cunt aids in the stretch that Oscar's cock brings.

He fully sheathes himself inside and he groans, grabbing your hips with both hands.

"Chèrie." Charles' voice forces your attention back to him.

"Don't forget about me, hm?"

You try to compose yourself as best as you can as Oscar starts to fuck you at a relentless pace. You lower your mouth down to Charles' cock, wrapping your lips around the tip.

You take half of him in, coating him in your spit, going lower each time you come down. Charles is nearly as incoherent as you were earlier, curse words in three different languages falling from his lips.

You feel the tip of his cock reach the back of your throat and you stop, gagging around it. Charles threads his fingers through your hair, yanking you back up.

"Open your mouth," Charles says, tightening the grip on your hair.

You do as you're told and Charles angles himself better. He holds you in place as he fucks up into your mouth, hitting the back of your throat each time. You will your breathing to slow, but the constant assault on your pussy muddles your brain and destroys your focus.

"She's so fucking tight," Oscar says through gritted teeth. You can feel his nails dig into your sides.

"Here as well," Charles agrees. "So warm and so wet."

All you can do is sob as you let the two of them use you, filled up on both sides, reduced to nothing but two holes.

"Fuck, I wanna cum on her face," Oscar says hurriedly, hips slowing down, probably in an attempt to keep his orgasm at bay.

Charles pulls you back off of him and he surveys you for a second.

"And I'll do it inside," Charles says. "Will you let me cum inside, chèrie?"

You nod, unconsciously clenching around Oscar. He curses, speeding up his movements again.

"Mate, I can't take it anymore," Oscar rushes, pulling out. You whine at the loss but Charles is quick to get off the bed, replacing Oscar's place behind you.

You feel the Charles' tip press against your hole and you plead, rocking back, desperate to be filled up.

"Charles, please, n-need your cum in me," you stutter. "Wanna be filled up, I need it, need you, please–"

Charles slides in one swift motion and your eyes roll all the way back in your head. He's thicker than Oscar and the stretch is almost painful but in the best way possible.

The older of the two wastes no time and starts pounding into you, rendering you speechless at how brutal his pace is. You're dizzy with arousal, spit and tears mixing on your chin and cheeks.

"Look here, sweetheart," comes Oscar's voice, rough around the edges, his hand cupping your chin.

He's stroking his cock at an impossible pace, bottom lip caught between his teeth. You look straight into his eyes as you stick your tongue out, waiting for him to release all over you.

"Fuck, you really are desperate for it," Oscar sneers, gripping harder at your face. "Open wide."

A warm spurt of liquid shoots straight onto your tongue, landing on your cheeks as well. You squint as it hits nearer to your eyes but you obediently lick up everything you can from your lips, swallowing Oscar's thick cum down.

"Oh god, baby," Charles warns. "Je vais bientôt jouir–"

Charles presses you closer to him, caging your hips against his own. He groans and you feel him twitch within you. You clench down as hard as you can around him, earning your hair a harsh tug from behind. Charles yanks you back against him as he gives a few more thrusts to ride his orgasm out.

"We are not done with you yet, amour," Charles warns.

Oscar's face comes into view and he's eyeing you up and down, his thumb swiping at a stain of himself on your cheek. He brings it to your lips and you lick his digit clean.

"Good girl," Oscar praises. "But he's right. You can give us a few more, right?"

You swallow.

You nod.

[itwoodbeprefect]

now (six to seven days later) clocking in at a humble 9 627 words:

How To Build A Triangle (or accidentally fall headlong into one, or whatever the fuck)

update on this: we're at a nice round 4k now. what the fuck!

[bonesxbows]

The Other Line (Hancock x Reader)

Masterlist

There's not enough food in your stash for the both of you so you try to give what you have left to Hancock instead of yourself. He isn't having any of it though and insists you at least share, and no isn't an option with him when it comes to your wellbeing.

(WARNINGS) - choosing to starve - past body image issues mentioned

I wrote this within a few hours and idk if I'm really satisfied with it but I figured I'd publish it anyway. I swear I'm working on longer fics I just always get sidetracked lol. Shout out though to all the people leaving comments on here and on Ao3, you guys keep my motivation sky high, you have no idea how much I appreciate each and every one of them :)

-

A blown-out house, still sort of standing. Four walls and a roof with minor damage was considered the peak of shelters nowadays, so neither of you complained as you walked inside. You had made the executive decision to stay here for the night, although Hancock wouldn’t have argued with you either way. It was small inside, destroyed wooden planks blocked the path upstairs, leaving the two of you to what once was a modest kitchen, dining room, and living room amalgamation. You placed your gear on the table while Hancock scoped the place out. It was a ritual of his by now, double-checking every square inch to make sure it was safe. 

“Grub and then bed? I’m beat, and we’ve still got a long ways to go,” you told him, checking your pip-boy to see the progress you had made on your journey. It was going well so far, but it would still be at least another day’s hike before you reached where you needed to go. He hummed to himself, satisfied that the place was now confirmed empty except for the two of you. 

“You know I ain’t picky. I’ll get the blankets set up while you sort that out, okay?” he spoke it like a question but he didn’t wait for your reply before he made his way over to the couch, grabbing your bedrolls and quickly placing a soft kiss on your forehead as he passed by. As soon as he was occupied with his task he had assigned himself you checked your food supplies. The results were what you had been fearing; you were running dangerously low. You knew you should have double-checked the stores the two of you had passed on your way here. It would have delayed you a little, sure, but it was worth it over traveling on an empty stomach. It was too little too late now, it was way too dangerous to travel in the dark to scavenge more supplies. You would have to make do with what you had and then hope you could find more food on the way tomorrow. 

You checked around the kitchen, not finding much. The place had already been picked mostly clean, probably by other travelers and scavvers. You were lucky to find a bottle of nuka-cola tucked in the back of the refrigerator, but that was where your luck ended. You shook it to see if bubbles still formed against the glass, checking for discoloration and mold as the liquid sloshed around. It looked okay, so you mentally added it to your stash of goods. 

“Need any help?” Hancock called from behind the back of the sofa. His voice pulled you out of your head. 

“No I’ve got it just…give me a second,” you told him, making up your mind and grabbing the last canned item you had in your pack along with one of the forks you always brought along with you. 

“No worries sunshine, take your time,” he replied so nonchalantly, oblivious to your current supply struggles. You watched as he kicked his feet over the arm of the sofa, the toes of his boots pointing towards the ceiling. You sighed and walked over to him, canned food and bottle of nuka-cola in hand. He shifted to make room for you on the couch when he saw you round the corner.

“Here’s what we have.” you handed him the can and the fork, plopping down next to him and using the wooden part of the couch’s arm to pop the bottle cap off of your soda. He used his knife to pry the lid off of the can, digging the fork into the mystery meat inside and taking a bite. He passed the can to you once he started chewing but you just shook your head. 

“Whaddaya mean ‘no’? You gotta eat sunshine.” his words were slurred from the food in his mouth but you still refused to take the can from his hands. His scarred forehead furrowed when you kept refusing. 

“Hancock it’s okay, really. I’m not that hungry anyway. You go ahead and eat.” you tried to dissuade him. But he wasn’t buying it, not when he knew you too well. 

“Is it another one of those days again? I’ve told you before sugar your body is perfect just the way it is. Nothin’s ever gonna change that in my mind. I’d rather ya eat and keep your strength up than-” 

“It’s nothing like that Hancock.” you stopped him before he went on another rant about how much he loved you just as you are. You couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto your face though. “I’m okay, thank you though,” you told him. You could see relief flood across his face. 

“So then what’s wrong?” he asked again. 

“We don’t have enough supplies to be feeding two people. So I had to make a choice and fortunately for you, you fall higher up on the list of my priorities than myself. Go ahead and eat, I’ll be okay for one night.” you explained the situation to him but it looked like he had stopped listening halfway through because as soon as you finished your sentence he had a forkful of the canned meat right by your lips. 

“I just said we-” 

“ ‘Don’t have enough food for two people.’ Yeah, I heard ya. Tough shit, I ain’t gonna let you go hungry, even if it is for just one night. So open up.” he twirled the fork in small circles to emphasize his words. You opened your mouth to rebuttal him again but he used that opportunity to get the fork into your mouth. You scowled but obediently began chewing. He smiled, satisfied with his task accomplished. “You won’t go to bed hungry, not while I’m around and can do somethin’ about it.” he stabbed the meat again, helping himself to another forkful. You were caught speechless, even when you were done chewing, you had run out of words. You had been prepared to go to bed with an empty stomach in order to keep him happy and healthy, but at the same time, he was willing to do the same for you. 

The two of you spend the rest of the night splitting the contents of the can, and at some point, you shared the nuka-cola you had found with him too. Neither of your tummies were full, but your hearts were with a new realization of just how much you cared about one another. The couch wasn’t big enough for the two of you to lay side by side, but Hancock didn’t seem to mind because as soon as the two of you had finished eating he scooped you up on top of him, lacing his arms around you to hold you close. You spent the rest of the night curled up against him, listening to his heartbeat beneath you as the two of you fell asleep. Maybe you'd be able to find more supplies tomorrow, or maybe you wouldn’t. Either way, Hancock was determined to take care of you in any way he could. 

[l-in-the-light]

Why is Law more stressed, more serious and often grumpy and annoyed in Wano? Thought he would be relieved after Luffy defeated Deflamingo 🤔he couldn't even relax at the banquet 😑

Broody Law is actually my favourite Law, which means I enjoyed him so much in Wano ❤ But why is he delivering behaving like that, indeed? Let's summarize the Wano experience from his side, shall we?

his alliance with Strawhats gets sidetracked because Luffy went to Big Mom to retrieve Sanji. He barely avoided a conflict (not really)

he's stuck at Wano, worrying his ass off for Luffy, hoping he's not left with half of Strawhats crew to take care for forever now

everyone is dying of hunger and getting sick in Wano, because they can't stop drinking water from the polluted river

Luffy finally arrives, Bepo gets sick, Luffy in the meantime does The Worst Thing Possible and Law's efforts to patch up the situation do not work out

Luffy snaps and runs off to fight Kaido

Kaido bombs away Strawhats and Hearts crews while Luffy and Law are already near town and can't do shit about it

he fails to stop Luffy from fighting Kaido

he fails to stop Kaido from putting Luffy in prison

freaking Hawkins getting in his way

crews turn out to be fine, but freaking Kinemon soon leaves to find remaining Akazaya samurais. Now the whole raid plan and making sure it's not exposed is Law's job. On top of that, he needs to take care not only of his Heart Pirates, but also Strawhats, because their captain is in jail. Two crews, a raid plan and the weight of 20 years of revenge is all hanging on Law's neck.

freaking Germa (he's a Sora follower, ok)

he almost throws it all away when Hearts get put in prison

he's got accussed that his crew is crap and he should just kill them off, all that coming from his very own allies he's been taking care of for last couple of weeks!

freaking Hawkins again

getting tortured (just another monday morning amirite)

finding traitor and making sure the raid doesn't fail in the process. Is Luffy finally out of that prison, what is he doing there? Or maybe, that's for the best, he can't make the situation even worse...

Luffy arrives late to the raid and late to the rooftop battle

Luffy brought freaking Eustass Kid to the raid

Luffy is ordering him around in front of freaking Eustass Kid

Luffy tells him to get along with freaking Eustass Kid

Zoro-ya almost died on his watch

Kurashi-ya (literally) caught him in a middle of an embarrassing blunder

Eustass Kid is behaving like a newborn baby and Law has to babysit him

LUFFY BROUGHT FREAKING BIG MOM TOGETHER WITH HIM

now it's Law's job to fight Big Mom. He didn't sign up for this!

Luffy nearly drowned in the sea while fighting Kaido

Luffy lost and died while fighting Kaido

Luffy got revived and won against Kaido

Law had to make bigass room, bigger than anything he made in Dressrosa, probably cutting down on his lifespan in the process

Law has to take care of stuff no one cares about after the raid succeeds, which is taking care of the ships, searching for the poneglyphs (no one but him cared for that in the middle of the raid!) and probably patching many, many people up

he ends up stranded with Robin in some moldy underground chamber for hours, while being seriously exhausted, sleep deprived and in the middle of recovery from his injuries

he doesn't join in the banquet out of spite (no one told him about Jimbei joining the Strawhats. Is Law a joke to them?!), besides just in case a certain Luffy would assault him there, make him go all night long eating and playing around and celebrating, all the while probably bugging him to become a 100% part of the Strawhat crew or at least extend their alliance to together forever status.

And that's just the major things listed! I'm sure I missed some details here and there.

Overall, I think he was stressed and exhausted, because he was carrying a lot of responsibility (and the stakes were extremely high!), at certain points almost the whole raid plan's success was depending solely on him, while others merrily ignored the dangers. He also had two crews to take care of for the whole arc, constantly worried himself over Luffy, got pissed at Eustass Kid and had to cooperate with him (he hates that dude!), and at the end of it his world got almost turned upside down in worst possible way (Luffy dying and raid failing as the result, and the vision of all of them dying flashed before his eyes).

As Bepo reveals to us in the midst of Winner Island escape, Law wants to stay behind with his crew even if it kills him and needs to be reassured that no one is dying there. That suggests Law doesn't deal well with people close to him dying, which shouldn't surprise us after what happened in Flevance and later also to Cora-san. I'm sure Wano hit Law harder than we expect, because there he was, finally believing in people again (Luffy), only for Luffy to die on him as well. Old issues must have resurfaced and his fear of losing people worsened as the result.

I think we should cut him some slack, shouldn't we? Wano was definitely not a walk in the park for Law, especially psychologically-wise. Though to be fair, he could relax and laze around a bit, we see it happen, right before Strawhat Luffy waltzes into the country. That was the last time we saw him actually calm and resting, so I guess that alone gives us another answer to your question as well ;)

And then his alliance ended, and we know Law doesn't like dramatic things, which also means overly emotional goodbyes. It was probably pretty difficult for him to part ways and maybe he thought it would be easier if he avoided Luffy for most of the time after the raid finished. And then Chopper went and almost blew all his efforts up with his warm send-off! Law owes a lot to Strawhats and his debt is only getting bigger, but it won't change his withholding personality.

Did Law find peace after Mingo was defeated? Not exactly, because I don't believe Doflamingo was Law's end goal. Just take a look at his reaction when Luffy finally wins:

Everyone is crying and celebrating, but Law's face looks like this instead. Does this look like a face of a person who finally got rid of his demons and is set free? What about Flevance, are we forgetting that? Law has a lot on his plate, Mingo was simply one of the obstacles in his way (but an important one!). If you want to know more about what I think about Law's end goals, I wrote about it here: https://www.tumblr.com/l-in-the-light/761556630027616256 (the topic starts somewhere around the second picture). That's why I don't think he is at peace or that his revenge is over and we shouldn't expect him to completely "move on" or reach perfect closure just because Mingo is now out of the picture.

There's one exception though. I do believe Law is showing his emotions more openly after Dressrosa. And I think it's actually a sign of him healing and partially moving on.

Because just look at this. Law was always annoyed with his beloved Cora-san as well, and yet we never doubt he loved him dearly. In Wano Law is acting the same way towards the Strawhats, openly showing when he's annoyed and angry. That's how he shows affection and worry. Compare it to Punk Hazard, when he's always holding back, stoic and cold, keeping his comments and reactions to bare minimum. Dressrosa changed everything in Law's emotional department. And the result is that he did open up to his allies.

Also I feel like it's my duty to remind the world about this, often overlooked, fact: so far Law celebrated in the feast exactly one time, in Dressrosa. He didn't join in on Punk Hazard, Zou or Wano. So it's not really a "Wano thing", but more like Law almost always choosing other things over feasting ;) personally, I think it's because of that "30 minutes on festival" rule he had in his household as a child. He's probably not used to just playing around for hours. Besides, we should never underestimate Law's pettiness. Not joining the celebration might have been as well just a petty payback of his, for every offense that happened to him in Wano, lol.

I'm not sure if you liked my answer, anon, but I hope you at least smiled a bit when I tried to mimick Law's grumpiness in this post :D

[amethystfairy1]

Okay, but can we talk about how *poetic* it is that Whumptober ended with Grian and Scar making amends?

Like, you have to remember that Traveling Thieves started because of Whumptober last year- a silly little prompt that spirled into a silly little (Big. Very big.) Au.

TT started with Grian, Scar, and Mumbo's story beginning. And now, having whumptober end with what feels like an actual ending itself- not a goodbye, but rather a "See You Later"- almost a season finale esque "ending" specifically for Grian & Scar & Mumbo's story is. Well, I mean it's just fucking peak idk what else to say.

Breaking mindsets, relapsing, trusting for the first time in at least seven years, only for everything to crumple in a few HOURS. quite LITERALLY EVERYTHING. In probably not EVEN an hour. For everything to be so tense for the past couple months our time.. and weeks their time.. all build-up for this specific moment. This moment that means so much more to these characters than I think most people realize. This is genuinely heart-breaking in the best way possible.

I'm getting a little off track here opps- but my point is to having whumptober end not only with the conclusion of a major plot point in the story, but also one that means so much in so many different ways, is genuinely one of the best things I've seen seen in a long time. Whether it was intentional or not.

I definitely got sidetracked and lost some of my initial points, but, I regret nothing. Whumptober (im starting to feel like a broken record lol) was amazing, I will actually never be the same, this has changed me forever. Congratulations to finishing on time as well!! And congrats to on working with KhoirKid!!! This was amazing, but I think I need to stop talking before I never stop lol! <3

Oh my STARS Thank you for this! I love all of this and how you've read into it, it makes me SOOOO happy when people do this with my stories! There's themes! There's PARALLELS! And there's so much build up and work and that people have been enjoying all of that just makes me so so so so happy! Thank you so much for sharing how you feel about the ending to Whumptober! I absolutely love it!

[miloonmetis]

Hi!!! If I may request, I was wondering if you could make a Junkrat x reader fic where they’re like- enemies to lovers?? Like they REALLY get on each other’s nerves but then realize when working together it’s like a match made in heaven,, which leads to something else??? Idk if I worded it right but yeah!! Thanks in advance!

|| I'm such a sucker for this trope :,) (+ sorry it took me a bit)

featuring: Junkrat x Reader warnings: cursing, slight angst, anxiety(?), not-proof read, slight cliff hanger?, fluff, wholesome

Being a "hero" was tiring, keeping up with missions and other members of Overwatch. Especially with some of the frequent "guests", Jamison Fawkes was your worst nightmare. His presence was just aggravating, he smelt terrible and was just a loud human being. Every time you'd hear the sound of his boot and metal leg you found yourself running off to hide somewhere, typically you ran to Angela's lab. But, he found out and started to go there as well. It was annoying, the way he was purposefully trying to bother you.

Trying to get work done was a no-go, you’d have to find a more secluded space to even be able to write a sentence. Even then, in struts Jamison. “Heya!” He shoves his nose in every little thing you own, grabbing them and getting soot over everything you had just neatly cleaned. “Jamison.” You responded blankly, you didn’t look up from your work; focusing strictly on it so you wouldn’t get sidetracked and mess something up. again. “Whatcha doing?” He asks, his Australian accent is thick and almost makes him inaudible. “Just a few tweaks to my things.” You respond, your tongue sticking out as you concentrate.

Jamison chuckles as he watches you, his eyes roaming your face; studying every detail and feature of your face. Bringing up his metal hand he pressed the finger against your tongue, “PF-“ you stick your tongue out more and then bring it back in. “Wha.. What was that for?” You asked, your brows furrowing as you looked at the taller and smellier individual. “Just wanted to see your reaction!” He laughs his maniac laugh, bringing his hand down and leaning against your workspace table. “Don’t-“ “What? Cover it all in soot? I’m already here love.” He smirked mischievously at you.

You looked at him with wide eyes before you grabbed his hand and shoved it off his counter, the junker almost lost his balance but quickly caught himself before he went face-first into your desk. He glares at you, “I was just trying to make conversation, you always got be such a nag.” He spoke, rolling his eyes and turning away from you. You turn to look at him, your eyebrows furrowed. “ME? ME???!” You were upset that the person who did all the nagging and annoying was him! “Don’t blame me for shit you do.” You snap back, grabbing your phone and stomping as you stand up.

“Don’t. Follow me.” You point at him and storm off, navigating the halls with ease after practically living here. You found yourself out of Lucios door, he was in due to medical reasons from the most recent mission. You pause for a moment, staring at it before you bring your hand up and gentle tao your knuckles against the door to knock. “Come in!” Lucio yells out, you reach and twist the knob; welcoming yourself into his room. It was covered in music posters, LED lights, and a bunch of his personal creations throughout his music career; as well as the essential couch, bed, and mini fridge. for his convenience.

Lucio sat at his desk, clicking away at his mouse as he edited his new song. He had his headphones on, one side off the ear so he could hear anyone coming. Also since his door wasn’t locked and he didn’t have it on “DND”, He eventually clicked one last time before bringing his hands up and moving his headphones down to his shoulders. He swiveled in his chair to look at you, “What’s up?” He asks, his hands now placed between his thighs. “I just need somewhere to hide, for at least an hour.” You deep sigh, shutting the door carefully behind you and then going over to his couch.

Lucio looks at you momentarily, "Jamison getting to you?" He asked, You looked up at him almost confused about how he knew but realizing how much of a scene you usually make when you want him gone from your sight. "Yeah..." You respond, staring down at your fingernails picking at the skin and peeling it off. Lucio looked down at your hands before grabbing them, "You do know the only way he'll ever stop is if you talk to him about it?" He says You look at him. "How the hell am I supposed to talk to him if he just talks OVER me!" You speak with a bitter tone. Lucio chuckles, "But not just you, everyone. You just have to let him speak and then continue, OR speak louder." He explains to you.

You sigh, he was right. He always was, It's why you always ran to him in moments of need. Especially on missions, being a healer and all.

You took a deep breath, wiping your sweaty palms off your pants. You made your way carefully throughout the base, looking for the tall obnoxious blonde. He was so hard to find for someone who was always so loud. You sighed losing hope that he was even anywhere to be found. About to give up, you turn and find yourself face-first in someone's chest. You look up and see the blonde, "Ah- sorry mate!" He put his hands up in surrender, he was acting different. More calm and respective, "It's alright-" "Alright." He goes to walk off, you froze for a moment as he simply was showing no interest. You took a moment before you chased after him, attempting to catch up with his long legs.

"Jamison!" You shout out to him, he pauses and turns around. He was shocked to see and hear you, chasing after him? but why. Oh, probably to go off on him about everything. You watched as his expression saddened, you frowned back at it. "I just wanted to talk to you about everything." You talk with your hands, looking down at the ground almost regretting this as he seemed to be already off and in a weird mood. He looked at you, "Yeah, I'm sorry about all that. 'is jus that, I think you are really smart... and really good-looking. Haven't really, yknow felt that way towards anyone before." He rambles on, Your face snapping up to look up at him. "Wait.. You..." You were Awestruck.

You stood there for a moment, debating on what the next right thing to say was. You opened your mouth to speak, "Maybe we can start over, yeah?" You ask, sticking your hand out to shake his. He looks shocked, he stares at your hand before taking it. "Yeah, I'd like that." He smiled.

Part 2?? ;)

[atherix]

What is the current year the fic is set in? I know it’s been 10,000 years since the last Warden appearance, but I’m assuming it’s some time after that for society to pick itself up enough to start counting years ago, and I’m curious how long that was. Is the year like 8217, or like 5742, or even as recent as 3108??

Also what’s the calendar like? Is it basically similar to Earth with 12 months of about 30 days each or like. Is it different??

And back to the years thing again - do we get to know how long ago/how long after the Warden was it when Grian and Jimmy (and Gem 👀👀) parted for the last time? I’m assuming it’s somewhere between 3000-7000 years ago/years after the Warden but I’m curious to hear if we get a more specific time frame.

Thanks so much!!

I need you to know I have a whole ramble on this in my drafts where I'm trying to figure everything out. I shot myself in the foot by making everything super vague hgfhjjk SO BEAR WITH ME AS I RAMBLE ABOUT THIS

So Mumbo was born in 3998 and it's been ALMOST five hundred years since he was born, but not quite. I did a lot of math that is incomprehensible now and both Belle and I landed at the current year being roughly 4487 at the start of Midnight in which Tubbo is still 17; he turns 18 during Midnight Lies, still in 4487 a few months after Grian meets Mumbo, and 20 during Midnight Alley, which means a little more than 2 years has passed, so the current year is placed in ~4489. (this also means at least one year has passed between Midnight Lies and Midnight Visit, since Tubbo was 19 in Visit lol). This means they started counting years again nearly 5,000 years after the Warden happened.

So, remember; Boatem was founded 2,000 years ago (roughly 2400's), and the Hermetian kingdom was founded four hundred years later, around the 2800's. Yet Scar describes Boatem as being one of the oldest settlements on the continent, with the people from Boatem having come from across the sea. Yet they've been counting years for nearly 5,000 years, and we know the Ancients were settled on this continent 10,000+ years ago, and there were people who survived the Wardens...

So what happened to the survivors' settlements? Why is it that in 10,000 years, one of the oldest settlements on the entire continent is only two thousand years old? Well...

Strongholds are above Ancient Cities. Desert temples, jungle temples, ocean monuments, the ruins Drowned are often found around... well, where did they come from? They're all younger than the Ancient Cities, yet older than current society. These were all once marks of civilizations that no longer exist

Something happened in those ten thousand years that reset society again :) And whatever that was is what people are counting from. It wasn't as big as the Warden, ofc, but it was bad enough that few cities or villages or settlements from before it survived, and those that did were often abandoned for the even older, bigger, stronger cities that would prove to withstand time.

ANYWAY I GOT SIDETRACKED BY SOMETHING THAT ISN'T EVEN IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT um-

So I know while they age the same way we do in line with their years (for example an 80 year old Hermetian looks like an 80 year old person from Earth) their years are longer than ours, and their seasons are fucked because their world doesn't work like ours (for example, their moon moves just like the sun, always opposite of it. Makes you wonder where the moonlight comes from *coughGodsarerealcough*) so they can't even judge the years by the seasons. The only thing that changes, besides the phases of the moon, are the stars, so they have to judge their years on the stars (is Midnight heavy in star imagery? Yes, yes it is). Where is this constellation now? and that sort of thing.

NOW HERE'S THE REAL PROBLEM. I basically already established that their days run on a 24 hour clock. So there's 24 hours in a day. How many days are in a week? How many weeks in a month? How many months in a year?

... These are things that I never established, even to myself. I know I want their years to be longer than ours, but not significantly. I just need to figure out where the extra time comes from, and how it's broken down into smaller units. Like we know Scar's rounds took him 2 weeks when he was still delivering blood, and he would deliver to Mumbo once every three months. I already established once every three months is roughly 4 times a year, so the extra time can't have more than ~14 months in it or much less than 12, but we don't know how months are broken into days and weeks and stuff so. I need to. Figure that out. I'm leaning towards a 13 month system just because I think it's funny to use 13 but I could just stick with twelve with each month being longer, base ten is a very common... well, base, so maybe a system of 10 days per week, which if we kept at 4 weeks in a month would be ~40 days and if we add a week ~50 which at 12 months a year would be 480-600 days in a year bUT-

As for how long after the Warden it was when Jimmy and Grian and Gem left the Alley, well 👀 That will actually be revealed in the next chapter.

[emawinslow]

me exploring the most secure building alone after hours bc my friend didn't come with me to do our show tonight? well. probably just about as likely as you would think

to set the scene it's 10pm it's dark I'm in this massive building all by myself I'm a bit spooked.

so I took the elevator down to a floor I'd been on but not that area but I opened a door and heard someone so I left and went up a floor. to a floor in an area where I Had been. but I had never been down one of the hallways that just led to a bunch of offices then looped around. but at the end of a very short hallway on the end of that loop was an exit door. and I was like where the fuck could that door portably lead outside that doesn't make any sense. so I walked over and got sidetracked by an unlocked but ultimately uninteresting custodian closet. I looked closer at the door and the sign was like "heyyy can you actually just use this as an exit for emergencies it leads to a storage area" and like hell yeah the emergency is im a nosy ass bitch! so I opened the door and here's where I was

two slightly different angles but I was like woah. hello. not exactly what I was expecting. and idk if you can tell but that black spot on the wall in the very back isn’t a chalk board or a regular window it's open like. just a big hole in the wall. low key felt like a parking garage.

before I closed the door behind me I checked the handle and it was locked so I took a piece of metal and jammed it open because the sign said emergency exit but I sure wasnt seeing an exit and I did Not wanna go down those stairs.

anyways. I walked further in and saw that a sprinkler valve door room whatever was open which. they're always locked so having the door be Cracked was insane. so i walked in and was greeted with dish city baby!!!

like hello! it was so many dishes I was impressed. the fence to the pipes and tanks and valves n shit had a gate with a lock but the lock was unlocked on the fence next to it so I was like okayyyy don't mind if I do

I was expecting all that to be cooler but I have no idea what any of this is. and if I was insane I would have gone down the ladder into the hole but I'm NOT. I didn't even stick my phone down there for a flash picture what if there was a monster....

back outside the sprinkler room I saw this creepy lil alcove behind the walk ins that you can kind of see in the background of my first pictures

I walked down a hallway (not pictured) and reached a junction.

the exit sign is pointing to where I came from. straight ahead was obviously where the employees kept their stuff and there was a purse over there so knew there was at least one person Somewhere in this massive place.

to my left of where this photo was taken there was a set of locked doors and to my right was an ice machine and a washer of dryer I don't remember

past the ice machine was this storage room which was pretty standard but there were massive holes in the back wall? I couldn't tell where they led or why they existed it was very odd to me

and now the big one. this hallway

creepy as shit. reminder I was alone and it was late and not a soul knew where I was. anyways. I walked down and looked at the opening to my right

they really do a great job of locking things up around here. it's just a bunch of food but I was still interested so I was gonna go in but I heard a noise down the hallway so I looked and I saw somebody walking out of a doorway so I just turned and walked back to where I came from like I belonged there. or at least I hope that's how I looked.

I don't even know if the person followed me or if they saw me or if they cared but let's just say thank God I propped that initial door open because I sure as shit didn't see the exit I was promised

but yeah I went back into the main part of the building (which was still dark btw) where I knew there was a guaranteed exit and I heard keys jingling and a radio and I really don't know if it was one of the building managers (they're always very nice to me :)) or campus police but I waltzed out those doors and ran the fuck back home. okay I walked and called my mom and sister but. such an odd experience.

and naturally I took some things because I don't pay all that tuition for nothing

I genuinely need a salt shaker and there was a whole bin of them so I don't feel bad. as for the other thing it's a magnet and there were like ten of them stuck to the side of a surplus file cabinet but I literally don't remember putting it in my pocket? like I remember taking it off, looking at it, going "why would I want this" and putting it back. so imagine my surprise when I felt it in my pocket on my walk home like girl what the fuck.

but yeah that was my campus adventure and you already Know I texted coincidence explorer girl telling her we need to go back there together. so I feel less like shitting my pants.

[thesoulesscollection]

I think the old men trio should go out dancing and be dumb. They deserve it, yeah?

I kept this one shot short and sweet but I'm having fun exploring this ship so thank you again. 

Although it was rare for all three to get even a single day off, more a whole weekend and being able to spend it together was a treat they won't waste. 

Now instead of spending it at home, in their living room watching either cheesy rom coms or action movies, the trio decided to go out to the local town. Originally it was meant to be a simple date. 

They knew some would raise an eyebrow at, when they chose a classic bar attached with an extravagant dance room. One they knew and went to for years prior. 

Quentin and Canterbury went first, hand in hand with one another, shamelsss in their relationship status. A loyal couple consisted of three queer old men. Out the three, they're more quicker on their feet, able to stay with the flow and rhythm. They meshed together well, their moves played off each other, hips swinging back to forth, feet tapping against the tiled floor. Soon as time goes on, they began to slow down to catch their breath. 

"You outdid yourself, Cats" Quentin chuckled, breathless, clearly tipsy. 

"Well, my dear. After years of my childhood to teens taking plenty of classes in my day, it's like second nature to me"

"Yeah…" Humming softly, Quentin is fond of his partner's refined extravagance, "... For an old man, you do have it still" 

Naturally sharp, piercing eyes softened not bothered, more amused even at the man's sly, teasing comment. "You as well. No one quite keeps up with me like you do" He rests his head on top of Quentin's, hands around the other's waist as they slowly dance to the soft music. 

"Why thank you. You taught me well" 

"At least you were a lot easier to teach. With Hershell, he's as stubborn as a bull. A bull in a China shop" Both men shamelessly laugh, caring less if it broke up the reserved, silent air around them. 

"He tries. Got to give him that one" Quentin replies with a lazy shrug, "Not our fault nor is his he's built like a lumbering tree with no perception" 

"Speaking of. Where is he then? He should be back now with our drinks?" Curiosty got the better of Canterbury, whipping his head up and around towards the bar room, "Do you think he may be lost?" 

"Lost? Really? How can we loose an almost seven foot giant here?" Quentin pipes up, sarcasm oozing into his voice. 

"I know. But we both know he can get so easily sidetracked"

"Unless his mind on firmly set on something he has no problem with it. He'll return to us soon" Despite rolling his eyes, an involuntary bodily twitch maybe, Quentin still reassured Canterbury on the matter. 

Truth be told, Quentin was right when twenty minutes later, Hershell, bewildered, returns with three drinks in hand. 

"Sorry I'm late" As he's passing the drinks to his partners, his own placed on top the small circualr table beaide them, Hershell mentally recovered, a goofy lopsided grin on his face. "There was an arcade right next door"

"Of course there is and you went?" Cats sighs.  

Once a small sip passed his lips, rich alcohol burning his throat came a quizzical reply from Quentin, "It took you nearly a half an hour or more to get our drinks"

"At least I got them. So you're welcome" 

"You're a dense as hell, dumbell" 

"But you'll love me" Hersh says, brazenly he touches the bare hot skin under Quentin's jacket. "You two can't ever get enough of me" The other, carefully slow this time, holds on to Canterbury's own, squeezing it lightly. 

"Of course, we do. Don't we?" Canterbury cuts in before Quentin can. 

Hershell's grin widened, looking eagerly over at Quentin. 

"We do" 

Hershell leans in then thinks, drawing back, "Nice. I love you two, too" 

[mejomonster]

The below is from Next Life, the weilan post canon fic I was writing where Shen Wei's reincarnated. Just an FYI, I do plan to continue writing it and finish it. It's not gonna be a wip forever, I have a lot more of it plotted out in my notes for it. I'm just focusing all on writing original stuff right now and don't really want to sidetrack until I've got at least one original thing's first draft finished.

I noticed I put in some Real Early hints of the villain of the story on reread -3-)/ and also some parallels to Ye Zun's past life where his powers manifested late and scared him. Then I got to rereading this part and I really liked the description of Zhao Yunlan here:

Ye Zun pinpoints that look in an instant, stopping in his tracks, and grabbing hold of Shen Wei to stop him too before he trips on his own feet. 

“So,” Ye Zun starts, and Shen Wei jolts back to reality, “Please tell me you’ve talked to him by now.”

“Of. Course I have,” Shen Wei lies--well, not lies, misleads. He has spoken to Professor Zhao--Zhao Yunlan. Plenty of times. 

In the first class he took with him, raising his hand everyday with questions the man responded with that unreadable smile to. After class, during his office hours. Occasionally catching sight of an entirely different smile, in between conversations where Shen Wei felt the world broadened.

He loved learning about the things only Zhao Yunlan seemed to know. Or maybe, that only Zhao Yunlan had the courage to bring up. 

Though the initial curiosity of where Zhao Yunlan came from, Shen Wei held locked up tight. Out of fear bringing it up might somehow cause the man to disappear.

Likewise, he sensed Professor Zhao preferred to speak to Shen Wei at a distance. 

Sometimes glancing at him like--like--like a bird taking off from flight, or a firefly flashing in the night. Something that was bound to disappear, that had disappeared. That Zhao Yunlan was remembering, but not seeing what he expected to. Like whatever he had been looking back at was suddenly gone. And then his expression would become even more unknowable, and Shen Wei would wonder if that meant the man didn’t want to be recognized either. 

He almost asked Ye Zun about it, many times, over the years. Because Ye Zun knew how to make those same kinds of expressions. Ye Zun often wore them. Shen Wei didn’t always let people in, but he didn’t pretend to be warm while truly being something else. He didn’t know the first thing about glimpsing underneath. Or if he even should. 

So he’d kept at a distance too. 

[sirendeepity]

Books I've read in 2022

I'm starting this on 24/09 because I know the time this is going to take me will be too much, so (present-me note: it didn't take me too much, just an hour or so, I was just feeling lazy)

77/ 22 (updated to: /52)

The Foxhole Court ★★★★.5

The Raven King ★★★★.5

The King's Men ★★★★.5 (there's not a single right thing in here but yes?? Read this shit??)

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue ★★★★ (not as life-altering as they said it would be but oh, Luc)

The Inheritance Games ★★★★ (the vibes were there but everything else was not? TikTok what are you doing?? At least it was fun tho)

The Hawthorne Legacy ★★★.5

Caraval ★★★★

Legendary ★★★★★ (Tella <333 Dante <333 Jacks <333)

Finale ★★★★★

House of Sky and Breath ★★★ (where do I begin: loved Bryce, but now not anymore, loved the story, now it's giving me the ick, Hunt was neutral, now I lowkey hate him, Tharion wtf is wrong with you, but the Rhun, Flynn, Dec trio with Ithan and the new (female) addictions? Immaculate. Ariadne is queen aND I WANT HER WITH FLYNN THEY ARE SERVINGGGG)

The Love Hypothesis ★★★★ (I read that this year? Mh)

From Lukov With Love ★★★

Shatter Me ★★★ (half a let-down, half a mind trip, but Kenji <333)

Destroy Me ★★★★★

Unravel Me ★★★.5

Fracture Me ★★★.5

Ignite Me ★★★★

Restore Me ★★★.5

Shadow Me ★★★★

Defy Me ★★★★

Reveal Me ★★★★

Imagine Me ★★★★

Believe Me ★★★ (I kept asking myself why Aaron was still a bitch until I realized that's how morally gray characters are supposed to be and not the watered-down version aka "I'm a bad guy until you learn about my trauma and how misunderstood I am, and magically I'm the perfect saint character to ever exist" and, yeah)

Flock ★★★

Exodus ★★★★ (we love rainy days, don't we baby?)

The Finish Line ★★ (useless, I hated it, it shouldn't exist)

Corrupt ★★★.5

Hideaway ★★★★★ (Nikova mf Banks ladies and gentlemen)

Kill Switch ★★★★.5 (Damon is a psycho by day and a poet by night, also he and Andrew are the same person in different fonts)

Conclave ★★★

Nightfall ★★★★★ (WillEmmy SERVED but BanksEmmy had so much potential, which wouldn't have gone to waste if someone *looks at Penelope Douglas* got her head out of Erika Fane's ass.)

Fire Night ★★★★

Punk 57 ★★★★

Addicted to You ★★★ (my very first comment to this was mean, like mean-mean, so I'm censuring past me and saying: I don't hate LiLo anymore, they're still nowhere near the top but we like some good character development here)

Ricochet ★★★

Heartstopper 1 ★★★★★

Heartstopper 2 ★★★★★

Heartstopper 3 ★★★★★

Heartstopper 4 ★★★★

Only a Monster ★★★★ (I literally cannot remember what happened at the end of this? Like, I remember, but I don't? Anyway I loved it and AARON MY GOODNESS you're a little Malfoy and I love this for you. I'll definitely do a reread before the sequel comes out)

House of Salt and Sorrow ★★★.5

Shadow & Bone (reread) ★★★.5

The Risk (p.s. I refused to give a rating to this because some things should just not be rated and whatever tf this series was is one of those things)

Sidetracked

Scarlet Angel

All the Lies

Paint It All Red (what in the jesus christ was that-)

Twisted Love ★★★.5

Twisted Games ★★★★

Twisted Hate ★★★★★ (JULESSSSS MF AMBROSE YES)

Twisted Lies ★★★.5 (I don't remember a single thing because I was too distracted by JulesJosh to actively read this </3 but one day I'll reread this the right way, pinky promise)

They Both Die at the End ★★★ (it's written in the goddamn title why was I surprised?)

Blade Breaker ★★★★ (Sorasa Sarn aka mommy-)

A Good Girl's Guide to Murder ★★★★

Good Girl, Bad Blood ★★★★★

As Good As Dead ★★★★.5 (mind-blowing. New fave series, new fave author, new fave everything. Don't sleep on Ravi Singh or I'll come for you)

Kingdom of the Feared ★★ (I am so not happy with you, Kerri, and I'd like to personally buy a vibrator for you because your horny inner teen should be left outside of your books, thank you very much)

The Final Gambit ★★★★★ (I was ready for the misery and this book managed to disappoint my expected disappointment? Make it make sense? Anyway Jameson might have gotten the girl but Grayson got me so a win is a win)

Every Heart A Doorway ★★★

Love on the Brain ★★★★.5

King of Wrath ★★★

If We Were Villains ★★★★.5 (De Nial is a river in Egypt, your husband is gay!)

Greywaren ★★★★ (everybody shut up I'm in my feels)

Cruel King ★★.5 (*sounds of dying*)

Deviant King ★★★.5

Steel Princess ★★★ (halfway through this one I got bored of the couple so I have little to no memory of what happened, so don't ask)

Twisted Kingdom ★★★

Black Knight ★★★★★ (Kimmy <3333)

Vicious Prince ★★★.5

Ruthless Empire ★★★★★ (SilverCole for the win I said what I said)

Royal Elite Epilogue ★★★.5 (the guys' groupchat 💀💀)

Addicted for Now ★★★.5 (it only took me 7 months!!!)

Kiss the Sky ★★★★

Hothouse Flower ★★★★

Thrive ★★★.5 (tandem reading this with the two before saved my ass because I could already see the other 7 months of nothingness)

Addicted After All ★★★.5

Fuel the Fire ★★★.5 (I was expecting a bit more from this but we can't always get what we want)

bonus: The Demon in the Wood, The Witch of Duva, The Tailor, The Too Clever Fox, Kill Joy.

Also, I am currently reading ("reading") Siege & Storm, The Atlas Six, and Long Way Down. I'll probably finish all of them in 2023 because I'm not in the mood to read anything right now *hides Wattpad and its trashy slytherin boys' fanfictions* so yeah, 77 books in a year is pretty damn good, isn't it?

[chaotic---calm]

Hi again! Thanks for the heads-up for this chapter! I don't usually use AO3 logged in (I get shy over commenting without posting fics of my own), so it's great knowing when to go for updates. I checked it early, but writing this took a bit. (ETA: I'm so sorry for how much of a mess this review is, I write as I read and then I get sidetracked and… well, this happens. ETA 2: This is freaking long, even by my own standards. Get yourself a drink before starting it?)

Warning given, this chapter starts with Yunmeng trio and going by the fact I already want to hug JYL and strangle WWX, I'd say you're writing them great! I love WWX in theory, but I also hate how easily and carelessly he insults JC every single time they're together. I know WWX doesn't mean to really belittle JC, but damn it, it's a form of affection I do not compute at all. You have an anti-LQR bias, I have an anti-WWX bias, if I knew him I'd punch his face within the hour. But getting back on track (wow, sidetracked within the first paragraph, this is going great), to make up for WWX being WWX, I love JYL pulling him back and calling JC sect leader! That is real material help to JC! She is, if not not worried about his choices, at least respectful enough to not question them directly. Or in front of the disciples. So bless her and her willingness to use her ability to order around WWX, who even when he's leaving I still want to slap because his reasoning is so annoying (he cares enough to bother and push JC emotionally, but not to not stray at the promise of fun? This man, I just can't with him. He'll probably get back on track eventually, but his logic is just so alien to me.)

Going ahead, JYL making sure to show concern without doubt is why she's the MVP, love that of her. JC has always been doubted, always been judged and found wanting, he needs more of this. I love how JYL asks for if JC is sure, if this is what he wants. She doesn't allow him to sidestep the question, she doesn't ask if he loves LXC because JC would say something like as sect leader he cannot wait to marry for love, but it does matter to her that JC wants this marriage, that he's not selling himself for the good of the sect, because they both know what a horrible weight to carry an unwanted marriage is, they both know how much it hurts everyone, and that's not what she wants for him.

And JC's answer! I love his answer! It's a direct parallel to LXC's to LWJ's same question! LXC wants to have a place where he's his own person, respected and listened to regardless of his gender, and because that place cannot be Cloud Recesses, then he does want to marry the one person who promises that at his own home. Similarly, JC wants his sect and himself to flourish politically so he can give his family the opportunity to have what they want, so yes he does want to marry LXC because it's a path to achieve his true desires and he trusts LXC to not undermine his goals in his search of his own. In that sense it is wanting, and yet it's not what JYL wants for JC.

Oh, so this is CQL-verse, I didn't even notice that, okay, the WQ mention makes sense then, and though in CQL I am a ChengQing believer, I think JYL is being extremely unfair bringing it up now. Like, girl, I believe you have more brain than to even suggest the idea, no matter how much JC may have wanted it, if he did. Even if he cared for WQ in that way (which here he never got to find out!), there's the whole "you're part of my trauma" issue even without considering the political suicide (which is the reason doomed romance CQL ChengQing is so cool!). Also, the trust issue that JC mentions, WHICH IS SO VALID OF HIM. NOT WANTING TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO NON-CON SURGERY ON YOU IS THE MOST NORMAL THING HE COULD DO. (Hey, I'm back on my "JC has the most normal —I said normal, not reasonable or healthy— reactions to trauma in this whole damn book" agenda. Because literally everyone else is insane, beginning with WWX.)

The good thing about JYL's little mention of WQ, besides the assurance that for all she's willing to enforce JC's place as sect leader, JYL still cares for him as her brother ("[I] don't want you to give too much of yourself" is literally the point I said about JYL worrying about JC selling himself for the sect, which is her acknowledgment of how devoted JC is to what he loves, something that JC needs because neither his parents nor WWX were ever good at letting him know his love was received, let alone accepted or even wanted), is the revelation that JC does trust LXC. It's a funny thing, because JC is only just figuring it out, but even before he was acting on that trust already. I love when the narration shows stuff before the character finds about it.

And back to JC and his wholehearted devotion to his family and sect, I love and hate how he tells JYL that nothing is too much for him to give. It's heartening how much he loves, it's also hurtful that JC holds nothing of himself as sacred as WWX, JYL and the Jiang sect. Something, something, you exist for this, owe yourself to it, have no worth aside from it, something, something. A mentality that JYL contradicts when she asks about his happiness. I think that question, and JC's answer, are worth much more than whatever "could have been" is there with WQ.

I also like that JC tells JYL about how this helps LXC too. Partly because that point is what gives coherence to the marriage (it already makes sense politically for the Jiang sect, but it's how it helps LXC that makes sense for JC as a person, and what would probably resonate to WWX, I think), partly because it brings the topic of omegas and their treatment. As one herself, I'd think it'd be something of a well acquitted sting for JYL, and she does mention some of it. YZY as an atypical omega is a great point! I love the comparison between them, the way it touches on how one is punished for straying out of the mold, but the other is constrained for staying inside it. I'm not sure if there's a name for this, there must be, but the point is how there's no winning route for an omega and JYL knows it from her mother's and her own experience. Even if the Jiang sect has a history of not leaning so much into omega oppression, it still have shaped all three Jiang siblings, especially JYL despite everyone's attempt to shield her. I do wonder what she's expecting of a future marriage, what with the contradiction of YZY's personality and expectations for her with JZX's attitude and the understanding that at the Jin sect omegas fear the sect leader. No wonder she's saddened to find even ZWJ would suffer for his gender, that not even the "righteous" Lan are above hurting someone simply for being an omega. Of course JC tries to reassure her after that. I'm glad JC is willing to threaten JZX again, though being real there's only so much that, as sect leader of a still recovering sect, he can actually do. If something did happen, I think they would depend on JZX himself admitting he deserved (a bit of) what the Yunmeng bros do to him to avoid getting into real trouble (which he probably would, since post-war JZX already went through the most of his character development and he's a mostly decent person).

I love how easily JC and JYL share "I love you"s. It's not that the other's brand of love doesn't sometimes rub them the wrong way (JC doesn't like JYL sending him to rest! he hates acknowledging he's not as capable as before! especially because he felt no one ever thought much of him before and he thinks himself even less now!), but they can say it and they do feel it form each other and it's very significant for how it opposes JC and WWX's love for each other, which neither feels they can say they love the other but also can't be sure that their acts of love can be understood (half the time they are not, but at least for now it's only half, since there's been no non-con surgeries nor years of lies. which makes me wonder exactly how did JC find out about the almost transplant, because I don't trust WWX to have told him. that moment must have altered their relationship and I want to see both the point of inflection and exactly where they are standing with each other now). Speaking of JC and WWX, the whole JC grimacing at WWX's antics is so part of the whole "cannot be sincere with each other" thing they have going. JC would hate anything grandiose and wasteful (mostly because the sect's coffers aren't exactly brimming with gold at the moment), but he wouldn't genuinely dislike WWX showing enthusiasm for his wedding, and JYL knows it, but still JC cannot just take WWX's exuberance in stride, it's not part of their (messed up by their parents) dynamic.

My heart aches for how JC considers his marriage under the lens of his parents', but I'm also so relieved by the fact he can feel confidence in his choice. On an unrelated note, I'm enjoying the whole JC doing introspection and considering the future while submerged in his private pond that repeats from the first chapter (may even come back in the future?). It makes it feel like that's his place, which, duh, it's private for a reason, but I mean it in the "I feel safe here" kind of sense.

Wow, I've barely finished the first section, I should move on. Let's tackle LXC's side now! I roll my eyes at the Lan elders because whether they want the wedding or not, it is happening, and it's politically unwise to not show unity as a sect. (I mean, they could intentionally be trying to say they disavow the union and won't treasure LXC once he marries out, but let me laugh at the idea of LWJ ever allowing the Lan sect as a whole turning their back at LXC with him as sect leader.) I like the mention of the awkward greetings between Lan and Jiang, a reminder of how out of the blue this wedding is, they never got time to grow closer! Also, I giggle at the image of LXC being spirited away by the Jiang servants to prepare himself to get married. Then there's how the whole wedding is a blur except for the vows! There's something there about the couple's synchronicity and what has significance in one's heart (or maybe just what a writer can dedicate time detailing).

More significantly, there's who has attended the wedding and oh! I love the detail of the Jiang having some disciples, not just the family. In part it's because the wedding is at Lotus Pier, but I think it also says something about how much the Jiang values them, despite none of them being the ones JC grew up with. They are described as "prominent disciples", but just how prominent can they have become in the short time since they joined the sect? What kind of prominent are they? I think these must be the ones that either first joined JC's recruitment, when he literally had nothing and no one except WWX and JYL, or the ones that must have proved themselves in the reconstruction, because I don't think any of them could have compared to WWX, NMJ, LWJ or LXC (or even JZX) in battle, but they sure could have made themselves known for being the firsts to obey JC's commands or putting the most effort into helping the sect, doing more than they were asked to. So, yeah, I want to know which Jiang disciples were invited to the wedding proper (I mean, if you are up to it, I know you said you want to focus on XiCheng).

For the Lan I already said my piece, which leads us to the Nie and now I want to strangle NMJ! THE FUCK IS WITH HIM SNUBBING JC AND LXC LIKE THIS?! HE THINKS HE'S TOO GOOD TO ATTEND THE JIANG-LAN WEDDING? HE'S PUBLICLY DISAPPROVING OF THEM? HOW DARE HE! *angry bunny noises* If it wasn't bad enough that this hurts LXC politically, he also makes him sad! Unacceptable. *bunny hides evidence of murder plotting* At least NHS had the decency to attend accompanied, it would have been too big an insult if he had to go by himself, it would look like only he (the unskilled omega brother) cared for this wedding, not the Nie sect. At least like this it's unconfirmed if the disciples are there because NMJ sent NHS as representative of his sect, or if they are only there because NHS insisted on going despite NMJ not wanting to acknowledge the marriage.

Then there's the Jin. I have no idea what the Jin sending so many people means. Is it an (at least on surface) signal of their interest in having a close relationship with the Jiang (and Lan?) sect? Is it a dare for the Jiang to serve so many people with their diminished wealth? Bunny doesn't know. But! I do know I hate JGS and his smarmy toast, fuck that guy! And bless NHS! A true friend of JC and LXC! LOVE how he used his "clumsiness" to his advantage. ALSO really liked JZX (and JGY, but that's more suspect) hurrying to manage JGS, I like JZX's little shows of being a decent person despite his family.

As mad as it made me, the whole scene with the toast was excellent. I love LXC hidding his displeasure while remarking on LWJ not doing so, as well as LXC noting JC shaking with rage but also signaling WWX to keep his mouth shut. It really says it all about the differences between the siblings that were raised to be sect leaders and the ones who were not. WWX and LWJ do not care for politics, they are very "this is how it should be" (mostly morally, but also to their own interests, as when LWJ is going "poor Wei Ying" over the guy that literally killed his brother-in-law —well, technically not in CQL, but he still did kill all those cultivators in Nightless city— even if there were circumstances, and because WWX is all "I do what I want and do not give a fuck about your opinion about it" even after that attitude literally kills him) and very little "this is how it can realistically be, because people in power are self-serving bitches and you cannot change that by simply thinking it's wrong", which is a huge headache for JC on a daily basis because WWX is a hundred time louder about it than LWJ. I like how the story points out that LXC does wish he could allow WWX to say what he wants to say, it's important to me that it shows LXC doesn't wish there was some polite way to handle this, he desires WWX could say what he's ready to say, even when he knows better than to act on it. Oh! Extra point here! I love LXC pointing out the condescension in JGS using JC's birth name! It's something important to me because it reminds me of the whole issue of how one addresses another person, the level of respect, and how JYL and WWX do or do not help JC by calling him sect leader when he needs them to reinforce his position. Like when JC referred to LXC as ZWJ to that one elder the other time! Titles can show distance, but they also show respect and using or not using them has meaning!

Getting back on track, after NHS saves the day, the Jiangs smooth it all over with a perfect combo: WWX clowns his way into relaxing the atmosphere and JYL politely ends the event, gold star for them! Then, on their way out, XiCheng meet NHS. I'm really happy to see him so accepting of the match, even eager for it to go well. Whether he really doesn't see where it comes from (possibly true, possibly not), he's already shown his favor by handling JGS for them. It does help that these are two of his favorite people (the way he's so playful with each of them! not quite hiding his smile at LXC and swatting JC with his fan!) who are getting together, but I think part of it is that NHS knows that JC is, if not exactly eager to start an "omega liberation" campaign, a decent person who doesn't judge his sister or NHS himself for being omegas (he probably judges NHS for neglecting his cultivation and his duties as his brother's heir —if he still is here—, but not his gender), so he will treat LXC fairly and with respect, which is more than he can say of his own brother. He had things to care of? Really? Whatever could be more important than his best friend's wedding to the sect leader of a major sect? Really, JGS, Mr. "I get off to politically oppressing barely-in-their-twenties adults" went, shouldn't that say something about how big an event this is? I feel for NHS having to tell such blatant lie. I also hurt for LXC having a front row seat to the easy friendship between JC and NHS despite their genders, while having to force himself to not think about his friendship with NMJ and what will happen to it. They don't mean to, but it really rubs salt on that wound.

Oh god, now it's time for JGY. I— fuck. Okay, here we go. It's very, uhm, say suspicious how he words his congratulations and hopes for their marriage. However, what I most take notice of is his taking LXC away from his new husband to talk to him. You… don't do that? At least say something like "if I may have a word with er-ge"! Besides being suspicious as hell, more so with that shoulder touch, even if no one thinks something inappropriate, there's how it doesn't look good for LXC to walk away from JC right after marrying him. JGY knows what he's doing and it's not nice of him, bad JGY! I can so see this being a play at making this marriage start with rumors of JC forcing the marriage and/or LXC resenting that he couldn't marry JGY (because he's a beta and there's his mother's profession), something about having XiCheng at odds with each other from the start, perhaps. Maybe putting NMJ against JC if he thinks that NMJ may come around to LXC's side despite his prejudices?

Then there's JGY's play at not having anything to do with JGS knowing LXC's secret. Ugh. I'm not even going to comment on how shitty that is (or how uncharacteristic, he does love LXC in canon —your pick on whether romantically or platonically but the man did care for LXC in his own way, he shoves him away so LXC doesn't die!), I just hate bad acting and he's not being at all convincing here (again, rare, man is an excellent liar usually, but then this is LXC, no need for his best performance with someone who wants to believe the lie). Wait, is that some jealousy I'm smelling from JGY? Is he upset that LXC only sees him as a friend? Uhm! That would be an interesting development. A particularly curious one considering he sold LXC's secret (and once again I find that so weird, JGY must have the greatest understanding of what happens to omegas, because I don't doubt for a second that there's plenty of them at the brothel, what was the logic behind selling LXC's secret? there must be something I'm missing).

Regardless of the details of JGY's machinations, I want to shake LXC. Boy, don't trust whoever tells you "I didn't do it!" just because they're your friend! Please, listen to common sense and logic a little bit more! Both you and JC suffer a lot in canon for trusting liars just because you love them and that's a great part of the overall tragedy.

Moving on, we're back to JC POV! OMG, they're so nervous and awkward, it's so freaking cute!! *squeal* And then ouch. I cringe at the landmine LXC stepped on when questioning their living arrangement. It's valid, because he was told he wouldn't have to perform those duties so obviously he'd have reservations to being lead to his husbands chambers, but damn it, he stepped on a touchy nerve. And oh! I love how hard JC is trying to not offend LXC. His situation is reasonable, it's only practical not to waste money on suits that are expected to remain empty, he has nothing to be ashamed of. But he loses face not having the money, and he values LXC so much, it matters to him so much that LXC be at ease at Lotus Pier, that he wants to make it better somehow. YZY was caged in a marriage to a man that never spoke up for her, JC wants to, at all cost, do the opposite for LXC. He wants to defend LXC and give him all the freedom possible, including his own space, even if it means giving him JYL's rooms when she marries (which would undoubtedly be painful for him, since he'd most definitely want to keep them for her).

I love that, in response to JC'd willingness to part with something precious for the sake of LXC's comfort, he sincerely says he wishes to remain by JC's side. It is so cute of him! I love his blushing ears! Of course JC melts at LXC's nervousness, the crack in his facade of the perfect jade. I'm so glad JC is finally taking LXC out of the pedestal of idolatry, and doing so to find the real human underneath no less, but rather more compelling. I'm sure I've mentioned my worries about how thinking someone is perfect can go horribly wrong, this scene is so reassuring regarding those.

Then we're back to the awkwardness. I love these two cuties, they are almost unmade just dressing. Domesticity is definitely going to kill them. JC is already crushing so bad, and between that and his "I must not be a creep" about said crush (I'm laughing so much at him, he's a good boy who drinks his "respect omegas" juice)… It's going to be awesome.

What is not awesome is JC's thoughts about himself. It never doesn't pain me when he's so critical of himself, when he sees LXC marrying him as settling for less than he deserves ("the lackluster quality of the man he’d bound his life to"). I hate this because, even when he means to be critical of only himself, he's insulting everyone else too: LXC who still chose to marry him, WWX and JYL who still stand behind him, his disciples who still chose to follow him. It's really condescending of him to think so little of himself when he's the person everyone else place their trust into! Hum!

Oh! JC finally recognizes his longing for LXC. It saddens me that this is when he acknowledges how much not even getting the chance at love hurts him. Once again I'm mad at him thinking so little of himself, as if under any other circumstance LXC really would never have even considered him, and yet I have to acknowledge that JC would need a spouse who would marry into the Jiang, which sect leader Lan would not have realistically been able to do. *sigh* It still pains me that he needs to force down and away his own feelings. I said something once about LXC deserving to have his negative emotions heard, I say the same about JC's tender feelings.

JC… My dear baby, you're not the same as other alphas. Desire is one thing, but what matters is the fact that you care for LXC's happiness above it, even as out of your depth as you feel about how to give it to him. *pats JC's head* Aw! I love how JC straightens himself as soon as LXC has a request for him. His love language clearly is acts of service, he feels good being able to do something for his important people. Even as embarrassing as wearing a symbol of their marriage (and the affection it implies) is for someone so emotionally closed as JC, he still would not consider not wearing it. I smile at how he doesn't recognize the reason the ribbon affects him more than the wedding is that a single ceremony and banquet could be anything, and it was greatly understood as a political move, but this is without a doubt a romantic gesture. It's not a universal tradition, so the fact that he's willing to participate in it means something, and everyone will be able to see it. Still, pushing past his own comfort to show LXC that his customs matter to him is so sweet! The ribbon, the fact that LXC will never get another one, means so much, and he's being so open telling JC all this and still continuing to follow the tradition with all the romantic meaning out in the air. *squeal* Of course he's delighted that JC would accept his ribbon, would protect it, would thank him for sharing it with him! God, JC really is so smooth at the most unexpected moments and poor LXC is never ready for it.

Oh, next scene is LXC's POV! I love the fact that he almost didn't mention the ribbon tradition! The insecurity and fear make so much sense. Of course he was afraid that it would be brushed off, or taken as if he wasn't leaving behind the Lan despite having already taken his vows to belong to the Jiang, which is why besides the gratitude and happiness I'd already recognized, there's the relief he mentions. *bunny cuddles for the big buff bunny that is LXC* I'm so glad he could find something a sense of security and home right after marrying. And I love him for trying to give it back when he notices JC's tension when trying to bring up whatever he came up with to match the ribbon.

Even after the ribbon, they are so cute in how careful they are about touching! Oh! And I love the fact that JC says they have enough of apologizing. This LXC definitely is the kind to say "I'm sorry" for literally anything, I'm delighted at JC being the one who guides him to break the habit. Holly fucking shit! I didn't expect that! And yet it makes all the sense! He's giving him Zidian, holly cow! Zidian has so much meaning, it's a legacy, and JC is giving it to LXC! I'm— *screeches* *stops* *breathes slowly* I need a new paragraph.

Okay, here we go. First, because later I won't have the place to mention it (I tried, didn't find a good place to do it): I see the whole thing about JC having spiritual power still, enough to transfer Zidian's mastery at least, and I want to scream because what does that mean? Does JC have the capacity to recover his golden core somehow? Is it a byproduct of Zidian's ownership and he won't be able to access to it again now that LXC is the new master? Would dual cultivation help JC in gaining more spiritual power? WHERE DOES THIS DETAIL INTEND TO TAKE US?! IS IT ABOUT JC OR ZIDIAN? ABOUT THE PAST OR THE FUTURE? DOES JC EVEN KNOW?! *crazed bunny makes conspiracy theory board about this*

*breathes again* Right, there's that, but I won't go anywhere asking those questions, so let's continue with everything else this "little" moment says. JC giving Zidian to LXC makes him family in ways that go beyond their marriage. It's how JL is Jin yet JC still made sure to be his guardian and made him able to use Zidian because he's family despite to what sect he owes himself to. Here, LXC still observes Lan traditions, but he's now Jiang, the same way YZY was Madam Yu, but still the mistress of Lotus Pier. And speaking of YZY! She was an omega! A fierce omega that chaffed against her gender's restrictions! Who was powerful and intimidating and disliked for it, yet never changed! She had a personal title, something her husband didn't, and she never stopped being the Purple Spider. And LXC now will carry her weapon, her legacy. If that's not a symbol of LXC following her path, leaving behind the restraints he'd been shackled by while under the thumbs of the Lan elders, and moving on to be as openly himself (such a Jiang thing!) as YZY was, intentionally becoming just as much an image of his married sect's power as she was, I don't know what a symbol is.

All that and I haven't even touched how much it means to JC. Zidian is his mother's legacy in every way: power, protection, pride, family. He's giving away the (incredibly loaded) last reminder he has of her! Because he can no longer wield it. It's a horrible situation for him to be, and it's a heartbreaking choice for him to make, and still he's sure of doing it, even as he grieves. She gave it to him to protect him when she could no longer do it. YZY mean to arm him so he could be his own guardian, but he gave away that chance because of his love to WWX. WWX who she resented. There's the pain of the loss and the pain of the why, the knowledge that she would never have approved of what he did and how losing Zidian is the physical evidence of her rejection of his greatest act of love. And yet, now JC is handing Zidian to the man he's asking to protect him in her stead. Physically, because JC can no longer be on par with any cultivator with a golden core when it comes to fighting. Politically, as that's the very nature of their marriage, bringing the backing of the Lan to the Jiang sect's reconstruction. Emotionally, since JC being coreless has to deal with a particular sort of ableism that's hard to argue against when JC himself believes much of it and which therefor LXC will have to shield him from. JC, always his mother's son, a matter of pride and pain for both of them, is handing so much of his own identity with this move. With it, he's trusting LXC by choosing to move from family protector (as is his place as sect leader) to the one being protected (by LXC). (As an aside: I half wonder if WWX will have something to say about LXC taking that place, considering WWX sees himself as JC's protector —see golden core issue—, except that JC is the one that disagrees with WWX on that.)

This decision is so incredibly meaningful, I'm not surprised that LXC almost feels like protesting it, and yet he's right in thinking that would be a slap in the face to the multiple gestures JC is doing with his single gift (or is it multiple gifts in a single gesture?). It's, among everything else I've already said, a most pointed acknowledgement of JC's lack of golden core. Still, JC and Zidian herself agree to this. I love that! It proves that, as little time as JC spent as her master before loosing his core, without him even getting the chance to use Zidian before it happens, the weapon is united with JC in her understanding of LXC's character, his worthiness of taking the baton as the family's (physical) protector, and will help him fulfill that role. The whole concept of weapons having unique spirits, especially Zidian, and how a cultivator can feel them, it's amazing. I love it, more so with how LXC points out that it means the special connection with Zidian (and Sandu) is another thing that JC lost, another way that he's lonely, separated from everyone (and now everything) else by his unique disability. The understanding is humbling enough for LXC to apologize, but it really is something that words cannot make better, so JC just entrusts him with taking care of Zidian and I think there's some disability motive there, but I'm not sure what exactly it says.

Then there's what to do after accepting this gift and I love that LXC's first choice is to ask JC to teach him how to wield Zidian, it's sort of him asking JC how to be his family. The answer, appropriately, answers both questions: just feel it. "Zidian listens to the heart" is absolutely beautiful both in the sense that empathic weapons are awesome and because all I said about what Zidian represents, how she's a weapon that protects, so of course she needs to be wielded by someone who at heart wants to protect. (One can notice that even when using it on WWX, YZY wanted to protect her own marriage and children. The attack is misplaced, the purpose is honest.) I'm so glad for JC that LXC is appropriately reverent of Zidian and all she entails, otherwise it would have hurt him deeply, but then it wouldn't be LXC, the man JC could trust enough to marry.

Moving on from the heavy loaded symbolism, we're back to these two cuties being awkward. *gigles* I'm never tiring of it. Oh! They fumble through it and it's adorable, but also still really erotic, which… *bunny blushes* ໒꒰ྀི ๑>///<๑ ꒱ྀིა (I had been so interested in the sociopolitics that I forgot the smut tags were there. I'll readjust my expectations.) Ahem. So, the biting was sexy, but the best part for me is how JC apologizes for licking. I love how hard he tries to not pressure LXC, even when he's yanked around by literal instinct. The second-best part is JC asking why people don't complain about the biting. Yes JC, it's a mystery (/s). sdasd My man is so ace-spec. Probably grey-ace since there's both WQ and LXC, but he's not allo and it shows. What he is, is adorable, stammering and running away after LXC's illuminating answer. Poor LXC, abandoned by his husband on his wedding night.

Oh, okay, time for LXC's introspection. Cool. I hurt because LXC feels sad and alone, but in a way I also love that he feels JC's absence. He's moved out of the life he knew because JC made him an offer, his husband is all he really has in this new home at this time, of course he worries when the two of them are so awkward with each other. What kind of home can they make if they are both so uneasy with each other? Rationality has no place for the emptiness his heart feels. The distance between the two of them even after JC finally joins him in bed is natural between two people who never got to get close in the first place, yet no less hurtful for it. In a way, it's the same as the scene when they're changing and JC wishes their marriage wasn't like it is. There's less emphasis in the physical attraction, but the longing is the same. The way LXC forces himself to be satisfied with what was given already is exactly the same as JC pushing his own emotions and desires aside as meaningless. These two are so used to compromising for the sake of something bigger, learning to choose what they want is going to be a journey for both of them. (On an unrelated note: the image of LXC first looking at JC's back, as faraway as it can be while in the same bed, and then turning around to suppress his longing is just beautiful.)

Time for the next scene. Oh! *giggles* I love "we slept at our own sides of the bed, but woke up facing each other in the middle" scenarios (not bonus tangled limbs, but still counts!). I know I say it over and over again, but it's just that I'm never not touched by JC's awareness of the social power he has over LXC. He wishes to be tender, but he's all too aware how that can be misconstrued, how even good intentions can hurt, and so he restrains himself. I'm almost positive that's going to be a whole thing between them: LXC hoping JC would get closer, JC wanting to, and yet nothing happening because JC is afraid his affection will hurt rather than heal. JC is going to need invitation, but LXC will fear asking in case it's mistaken as a demand for something that was never promised. Ah~ The woes and pleasures of arranged marriages. Then there's the classic JC running away from his feelings (half of me giggles, half of me cringes at the licking thing, because it's funny to read, but JC's fear of taking advantage of LXC is very real, and yeah, that was a sexual-coded act that he had not asked permission to do, it could have actually bothered LXC) by burying them under a mountain of work. At least he's honest about his coping mechanism?

The wedding night (and morning after) is over. I sigh at XiCheng still being awkward and keeping distance, but also am so happy LXC can find himself welcomed at his new home despite it. I love that LXC can see how the lack of strict structure doesn't mean less work, but willingness to take the tasks as they come. The Jiang are the adapting river to the Lan's unmoving mountain after all, it's good he's starting to learn to go with the flow. Ah! I LOVE that LXC attributes the effectiveness to JC, the effort he puts into being a good leader, the devotion he inspires and the fact that his disciples know when he's pleased with them, even if he's not expressing it in honeyed words. I'm so happy at LXC falling a little more in love over that, it means he recognizes the sign of JC's love (for his sect) and values it.

OH! I ADORE that LXC notices that JC is doing too much and worries. JC is not alone here, he has WWX (I love that this WWX is still in tune with JC! he knows how not to upstage him! he can and will give effective support! the wonders not having to constantly lie to his brother does to their teamwork!) and JYL (best girl always forever, her managing of Lotus Pier's servants and guests really makes obvious that she's been trained to be mistress of a great sect from the cradle), he has LXC himself (I love him doing manual labor! of course the Jiang, with their experience at money and manpower shortage, couldn't care less for his gender as long as he's working! I am surprised at him doing the accounting, though, I think that's something JC would be quite annoying about doing himself, he's a micromanager), and yet he's still pushing himself too hard. I love how LXC can see it, how he stops and watches JC, enough to notice exactly when he's gone too far during training.

Then comes their real first obstacle: LXC reaches out in concern and JC bristles defensively. His need to pretend he's not incapable of doing things his disabled body physically cannot do without hurting itself is… a problem. I get it, he has a point about needing to keep appearances for his disciples, but it does not help that he pushes his insecurities into LXC's mouth. As is often the case, JC is using his words as a barbed shield that both defends from and attacks against those that come close enough to harm him. Except that LXC bears him not ill will and all this will do his make him doubt trying to offer comfort again. *sigh* Walking away is also not a good choice. *double sigh* LXC was being so sweet, wanting to care for JC as a husband should. Bad JC. *bonk him in the head*

Oh, JC feels bad about his words? Good! He should! He has his reasons, of course he does, so did his mother. They did not change what she did or how it affected every member of her family, it won't be any different with him. Still, the real problem is confronting his internalized ableism. I love the complexity of his feelings regarding the circumstances, though. The point he makes about how he's glad and yet upset at WWX and LXC painstakingly not outshining him is delicious. I love it because WWX outshining JC has always been a problem that JC has had to deal with, he's always been jealous yet proud of WWX, and WWX never made himself less for JC. Until now. And for once WWX is doing the political thing! And it pains JC. It hurts him because he loves WWX, he wants WWX to be free to be his most amazing self, he hates being WWX's shackle. And the same goes for LXC! Having people he looks up to restrain themselves for him offends him, what's the worth of looking better when one isn't the better? JC is a jealous person, but only the kind that wishes he himself had something, not the kind that wants to take the thing out of the other person's hand (he wanted his father to hold him more often! never did he say he wanted JFM to hold WWX less!). And yet, despite all this, he acknowledges his insecurities are so great that he really would react that badly if they did not act as carefully as they do. Ah, the wonders of childhood trauma he's not yet ready to tackle.

Back to LXC, now ft JYL! Yay! I'd been looking forward to a scene with these two since the beginning! Of course JYL does the "how are you settling" thing, but with her it's not just politeness, she's very much a family person, so the questions are also genuine, as is her invitation for informality and every tibbit about herself and JC he offers. I cringe at how he quickly moves from feeling welcomed, to worried about her motives, to sympathizing with her pain. Even when wanting to be comfortable with his new family, he's so ready to be criticized. And yet he reaches for JYL regardless. Boy is starved for more relationships, especially given the distance between him and JC. JYL is a good choice for that. He's not ready to bare himself to her wholly, but let's build this relationship block by block. Starting by talking about his feelings about Lotus Pier. They take a detour after that, but when they come back, I love how JYL takes such pride in her sect's treatment of omegas thanks to her family, as well as pride in her brother for being capable of inspiring the disciples' loyalty. Her love for JC is so sweet, I love family devotion and the way she approves of LXC's acknowledgement of JC's value regardless of his core.

And then we get to the touchy subjects! First, humorously: I cackled at LXC's nervousness when JYL asked about how XiCheng are getting along as a married couple. I wish I could say he was imagining her sly expression, but as much of a proper lady as she is, she's also a Jiang (aka at least 50% gremlin), so he may very well have not (one day it will most definitively not be his imagination and I'll cackle again at him actually having to go through such conversation). Regardless, LXC's mind went to the gutter, which is all that matters, really. Then, more seriously: Despite LXC's first thoughts, he gives her a very honest emotional answer. Like I said before, he's starved for company, for someone he can be open to, and JYL did place herself right there for him to lean on, so it's only natural for him to share with her. Despite his immediate fear of having said too much or sounding inappropriate, him talking is a good thing, because it pertains JC and few know him as well as JYL.

You did mention how JYL would have her place as XiCheng's guide around marriage, here she's doing just that. I love all the points she emphasizes: 1. JC being BIG on responsibility has always been there, but it has gotten worse with his disability, so it's a significant factor. 2. It's not just LXC, he distances himself from WWX and JYL too, so he shouldn't think that he's singling him out. 3. JC still cares. Each of those things is important for LXC to figure out the complexity of who JC is and understand both how he works and how to work with him. It makes me a little sad that despite JYL being so clear, LXC is still reluctant to accept how much he means for JC. But then, it's not like JC himself is helping his case. At least I can find the humor on LXC sucking at sounding reassuring while stating that he's okay with his and JC's marriage being and staying nothing but convenience.

After that, I love that JYL plainly states that she hopes LXC would be good for JC. For the sake of bringing him around, of having him join her cause of looking after her brother, JYL makes a point of talking about how much JC loves and why he's so reluctant at accepting love back. I love that she explicitly tells LXC not think JC's suffering as merely the product of the torture (horrible in a generic sort of way, hard for anyone), because that itself is not what haunts JC, it's how it interacts with every other trauma he carries what matters. Talking about her parents and admitting the things they did wrong is socially inappropriate, and yet she's willing to spell it out to ensure JC's husband understands him, got to love that of her. Her dedication to give JC the love he deserves, both by herself and by asking LXC to do it too, is heartening. I love familial devotion.

Of course, LXC can feel for JC, and for how JYL wants to help him, but for all of JYL's trust in them, his and JC's relationship is still very underdeveloped, they are not going anywhere near her goals anytime close. He's reluctant to try and unsure of how he can help, but even without touching on the potential for romance, I say that just having one more person supporting him unconditionally would mean the world to JC and that's something I think LXC should be able to figure out, what with how much of a difference JC's support meant to himself compared to LQR and LWJ. Regardless, I am not surprised that LXC continues lingering on JC's rejection, though I am happy that he's perceptive enough to notice JC's attempt at softening the blow, as much as turning to cold politeness can be called softer. What is, if not exactly soft, definitely open, is the memory of their wedding night, I'm glad that it can serve as an anchor for LXC to still reach for JC despite his blunder! I think that this can set a precedent for Zidian being their link. The transfer being a memory they can go back to again and again, a promise, in a way, to continue giving and trusting as much as they did that night (both for Zidian and the ribbon). (Speaking of Zidian, I wonder, does LXC wear it openly or hides it under his sleeves? I have questions about what people think about it, both at Lotus Pier and eventually outside. I especially wonder about WWX, since I think JYL would accept it more easily and WWX still has the whole "I would have cut myself open to give you back the power to wield Zidian yourself" going on for him, along with "that's the very same whip that I've felt lashing on my back at the hands of your mother", which is, of course, complicated.)

Oh! I almost forgot, I skipped on it to have the emotional core of the JYL-LXC conversation all together, but I absolutely loved the part when they talk about omegas! I knew there would be interesting bits to come from this, and it totally delivered! The contrast to their perspectives is so fascinating! JYL having her sight placed on the generations to come is wonderful! LXC's thoughts about gender have always been a little self-centered, being an omega is a matter that affects him, the structural issues are significant in how they relate to him. He's passed as an alpha for a long time, and while I don't think I'd call that privilege exactly, it certainly means he hasn't had the same kind of first-hand experience with several omega problems so much as an absolute understanding of several things that could be (and eventually were) taken away from him because of his gender. Meanwhile, JYL has always lived under the lights and restrictions of her gender in a more traditional way, the things that mattered enough for LXC to fear losing are things that she never had and could only hope to gain. Considering so, of course LXC sees the backlash to him being found as an omega, the revelation personally took him away from his position of power. On the other hand, what JYL sees is the bigger picture, how the future, when no one who felt personally lied to remains, people will be forced to admit how capable he was, that being an omega didn't stop him from achieving feats of glory, didn't keep him from becoming ZWJ, regardless of what society did to him after. I'm glad that as painful as the experience was, with JYL's reassurance of the meaning it will eventually have, he can endure the consequences more easily.

OMG, I'm finally done! Days after I started and an absolute incoherent mess towards the end, but this review is finished! It didn't fit in my note app (x2), but the length is brimming with love! Now that it's over, I can go tackle what remains of our last conversation and then finally close this ask. Regarding the last ask I send, about the gender demographics: hehe, sorry for the question you had not thought about before. I get excited over world building/politics, but it's totally okay that your focus is elsewhere, it's a shipping fic after all! Thanks for considering it enough to reply to me! Also, ahdhahs congratulations on getting new readers via overenthusiastic bunny rambling, I think that's achievement unlocked for both of us! (Also, a medal to whoever read a 2.5k review + your answer without even reading the fic first. Curiosity is a good thing!)

And that's it! Bunny is done! No more writing or editing this ask, or I'll never send it! Sending lots of love, bunny cuddles and carrot cake for you to eat after finishing reading this monster! Bye-bye! 🐰💛

*looks at length of the comment* Yes. Yeeeesssssss. *cracks knuckles*

Yeah…. I love WWX as a character, but I don’t think I’d like him as much if I knew him in real life. I’ve known people whose favored humor style was fairly sarcastic and/or biting, and yeah, it doesn’t sit well with me either, nor does excessive silliness (not because I don’t like people to have fun, but because I’m an introvert and lord have mercy but highly extroverted people like WWX are exhausting in large doses, lol). But yeah, I love JYL in all forms, and you’re correct that her referring to JC there as their sect leader rather than brother was deliberate.

Your assessment of the entirety of JYL and JC’s conversation about his choice to marry LXC is beautiful. JYL is masterful at taking great care with her words and approach to ensure exactly what she means comes across. And, importantly, in a way that doesn’t make it seem like it’s a frustration or chore to, like, care about how her words and attitude will impact another person, you know? While I can’t say that it’ll be spelled out in the text, I can say that LXC, who is by no means bad at talking to people, will definitely be taking notes as he studies her, especially as he learns how to most effectively communicate with his new husband. Wonderful notes pointing out the parallels between JC’s and LXC’s answers too! I feel like that just points even more to how good a match they really are for one another.

lol. You’re the second person thrown off by the CQL mention. I always tag both “The Untamed” and “MDZS” as the fandoms for every story I write because I figure both are relevant, but I rarely leave notes beyond that. But yeah, I’ve watched the live action drama several times through, watched the donghua once, and have read part of the book but not all (though I’ve read several posts talking about the various differences). I do not really ship ChengQing, lol, though I rarely ship het pairs (a whole long-ass discourse I could go into about why I rarely enjoy het romance compared with queer romance, primarily m/m). I think they’re cute, and I think they could make for an interesting pair in a fic where they married for political reasons, but as far as general attraction, the vibe I get is more that JC is having his first crush, and who knows how serious it really is, and WQ isn’t really all that interested in return, though how much is a lack of interest and how much is her just being too overwhelmed with all WRH’s bullshit is up for debate.

I dunno. JYL asking about WQ now might be a bit of a low blow, but I do also understand the big sister instinct to ask about it since she knows that JC crushed on her, even if she doesn’t have any way of knowing how deep that affection may have gone. I could see her trying to come up with some way for him to be with WQ if she knew he really wanted that; lord knows she would sacrifice her chance to marry JZX if she knew it could give JC what he wants (all three of them are self-sacrificing to a fault, after all). As far as the “part of his trauma,” she never knew about that canonically, and whether she knows about it here in this fic is yet to be seen. But yeah, I agree that it makes sense to be leery of marrying someone who you know was willing to alter your body without your consent.

So fun fact, JC’s sudden and/or accidental realization about how much he trusts LXC was also shared by me, lol. It was in writing out that scene that it occurred to me too. But yeah, out of pretty much anyone, LXC is one of few people who has never given JC any reason to mistrust him. Granted, partially because so far they aren’t that close, but still, for someone like JC, that means a whole lot. Really the only other person who fits that category is his sister, which is off-limits here because I’m not writing that kind of story at the moment, lmao.

And yep, back to the self-sacrificing to an upsetting degree tendency of all three of the Yunmeng siblings. WWX’s is by far the loudest and most noticeable (partially because he’s the main character of the canon), but JYL quietly gives up a lot for her brothers and family up until the opportunity to marry JZX finally truly presents itself, and JC’s sacrifices tend to get lost in secrecy or clouded by the prideful temper he displays at all times as a defense mechanism.

Yeah, the omega commentary here is very parallel to issues of feminism and femininity in the real world. Not being “woman” enough, whatever that might mean, gets negative reception, but playing by the rules keeps you stuck and all the further away from any progressive change you might like. Oh, and on your comment about wondering what JYL is expecting for when she marries JZX, I will say that one reason for her putting off marrying him (in addition to staying beside JC to be the support he needs) that I didn’t explicitly comment on is that she’s waiting for proof that he is a good enough man and strong enough man to protect her from anything his father might do to her. I won’t be dwelling on it much at all since they’re not the focus of the story, but that’s what’s running in my head; similar to how I feel like, canonically, given all that we know about how disgusting JGS is, I’ve no doubt that JYL most likely needed a watchful eye from both her husband and her mother-in-law to ensure that JGS didn’t try to prey on her too.

Yeah, we don’t really see any uttered “I love you’s” in canon, but I don’t doubt for a moment that they would come easy between JYL and JC. She would know how much he needed to hear them, and JC, who loves so much and, as you’ve addressed, has so few opportunities to really express or share that, would be beside himself to always vocalize it to the one person for whom it would always be welcomed, cherished, and believed. For him and WWX, the two of them definitely do love one another fiercely, but there’s a whole lot there that makes it difficult to share, not the least WWX’s very precarious and uncomfortable position as the foundling ward caught between all the family’s drama as well as JC’s inability to really see how that affects him (not that I blame him, because he’s also just a kid, so how could he even be expected to recognize something so nuanced?). Regarding how JC found out and how things drastically shifted course, that’ll come up in more detail in a later chapter.

Yeah, it’s only natural that JC would consider his marriage in comparison to the only solid example he has. But, he at least is capable enough of learning from others’ mistakes, so witnessing all that drama at least comes as a benefit in the big ol’ warning it is to not do literally any of that, lol. And yass, I’m glad you appreciate JC’s safe space too. It definitely will make more appearances.

I definitely wanted there to be significance to the synchronicity in their bows. Partially as a tell that they well and truly are soulmates. But yeah, another reason to focus on only one thing from the wedding is because of saving space and also because I really don’t know anything about Chinese wedding ceremonies, traditional or otherwise, and I didn’t want to devote the time to researching it just for my written-for-fun-despite-how-exhausted-I-always-am fanfic. 🙃

I honestly didn’t give a lot of thought to what made those specific Jiang disciples prominent; unless my plans change, right now I don’t have any intention to focus on any of them because narratively there’s no need to, and I tend to shy away from introducing OCs for anything more than the smallest side roles that I need them for. I like your idea of them being some of the first to join JC despite everything that happened to him and his sect. It could also be people who very noticeably threw themselves into their training or the restoration of Lotus Pier more than anyone else. Solid heads for strategy, good leadership skills, unique prowess on the few night hunts they’ve tried; who knows. But yeah, something about them is standout in particular.

lolol. For NMJ, we’ll just say he’s having some feelings and didn’t feel like he could go. Lord knows the man doesn’t really know how to keep the calmest or most level-headed approach when he’s all riled up with emotions. *tries to calm angry bunny with snackies* But yeah, as much of a goober as he present himself as, NHS is pretty savvy regarding social norms and appearances and all that; he knew better than to go alone (and besides, can you really imagine someone like him traveling without a few buddies along?).

The Jins had so many people because that’s how they do. Just like JZX traveling to Cloud Recesses early on in the canon with a big ol’ group of people, most of whom wouldn’t be studying, because they’re big ol’ fancy pants people who just gotta flaunt their wealth, status, and numbers. Not to mention, for JZX, it’s an excuse to see JYL and for JGY, it’s an excuse to see LXC. JGS is just a hateful jerk who lives for drama and to look for any way to be socially acceptably rude…not expecting a done-with-this-shit NHS to “accidentally” stumble to the rescue. 🤣 Kid’s a hero, and I stand by that.

You’re exactly right about the names and titles! I’m using all of those, especially names, very intentionally in this story (and each time I talk about that with a reader, my anxiety for editing the chapters goes up 10-fold because of course now that I’ve got people’s attention on that, I just know I’m going to fuck up and use the wrong name somewhere 😭). But YES! The use of a title in certain circumstances can force a reminder of respect when needed, just as use of birth name can either be a dick move or a sweet indication of intimate closeness.

I love NHS. He’s not my favorite character, because that’s JC (followed by LXC by virtue of shipping him so hard with JC), but he’s, like, my sneaky almost favorite that I don’t think about much but always shows up in my fics being awesome because he’s just great and I think he’s fun. Back to JGS’s motivation to come, I will say, if he wasn’t so much of a douchebag and if the scenario were slightly different, he definitely wouldn’t have bothered to come to what is, as he would dismissively say, such a low-stakes wedding. But he smells the opportunity to publicly humiliate people that he already disdains, so there he goes; plus, he’s still irritated that JC found a way around having to kowtow to him and marry JYL to him, thus giving up his sect to the Jin’s control.

Yeah, JGY definitely knows what he’s doing by pulling LXC aside alone with him, even if LXC clearly doesn’t. But it’s so easy to get away with too! This society expects everyone to be polite, including being polite about social missteps (to a degree and depending on who all is involved, of course). But yeah, because of that, JGY can get away with what could be considered a move in poor taste, especially given his beta status, his status as LXC’s friend, and his status as a person of “lower” birth who could play the card of not knowing better or the “I’m not really a threat anyway so you have to forgive me” card. Regarding what he’s saying to LXC, you are correct that JGY doesn’t have to try very hard with anything he says, whether true or not. There’s a user here on Tumblr named nuexue who did an episode-by-episode analysis of almost all of the Untamed drama episodes that was phenomenally insightful and engaging (seriously, I think you’d really dig it since you are so analytical with your assessment of even my stories), and she points out how understandable in the source material it is that LXC doesn’t see any hints of what JGY is up to, partially because he’s his friend so he doesn’t want to see any bad in him and partially because, very likely, JGY probably avoided being deceitful with LXC as much as possibly purely because LXC was so accepting of him. As for what JGY did here in this story and any motivation he may or may not have had? Only time will tell.

The awkwardness between JC and LXC was absolutely delicious to write. The tentative beginnings to a relationship are so endearing and fraught with moments you can’t help but sympathize even as you also cringe. You are right that both are going to struggle with figuring out all this “close but not too close” stuff, lol. Especially poor JC. Poor boy just wants so badly to be good.

Also, very good assessment that JC putting himself down internally is, in fact, an insult to everyone who cares about him. Just as a character so quick to be willing to throw their own life away is a direct disregard of the love or care anyone around them has for them. (There’s an anime/manga/something I’ve seen where learning this is a pivotal moment for a character, and I cannot for the life of me remember what it was or who the character was, and it’s going to drive me crazy.) But, given all that’s happened to him and treatment from his parents as well as publicly-known opinion about him, I also can’t really blame him for having such low self-esteem. He and LXC both experience this, albeit for separate reasons, but it will eventually be something that helps bring them closer together.

I LOVE your enthusiasm for everything revolving around LXC giving his ribbon to JC. Because yes, it is so very significant for so many reasons. LXC definitely wasn’t originally planning to disclose all those details, but JC’s presence, the fact that LXC well and truly does trust him so much already and his oath at how their relationship will be, that the words came easy for him after all. And then behind all that, awkward careful touching, haha! Once again, back to JC oh so desperately not wanting to be a creeper, lol.

Regarding your question about JC having a smidgen of spiritual power to briefly activate Zidian…I’ll just leave you to that conspiracy board for now, lol. There definitely will be more going on with this later, but I can’t say anything without revealing spoilers. You are correct that it is significant any not just a one-off thing. But back to the transfer itself, yes! JC giving up Zidian to LXC is so significant!

(Also, I really gotta say, as someone who’s focus both when writing and also when consuming content is always focused particularly on the emotion or feeling of a thing or moment rather than specific logical or analytical approaches, I am absolutely delighted to read your assessments of what I’ve written. The imposter syndrome wielding bitch in my mind tries to convince me that you’re giving me too much credit, but really, I think a lot of what you’ve laid out here is very intuitive to me as I write, but not in a way that I could ever articulate it so well as you do. So thank you for sharing all these beautiful thoughts and analyses with me! 💜)

It's very interesting that you’re commenting specifically on part of JC’s decision to hand Zidian over to LXC being specifically because he’s looking to LXC for protection. Because he absolutely is in a position now where he needs that from LXC, but he’s not consciously acknowledging that at all yet. Right now, all he’s focused on is just political shit, the fact that he needs LXC’s and his sect’s support to keep his sect afloat as well as the fact that his status as a sect leader can provide LXC with the social protection that he needs. The other side of things…definitely hasn’t set in just yet. I also love that you focused on the ableism too and on how JC needs to be protected from that, including from his own self. That is a fairly significant focus in this story, JC’s process coming to terms with the changes in his life and LXC learning the best ways to help his husband with such a burden. (Note: I haven’t commented on each aspect you commented on here, not because I don’t care of disagree, but because most of it is so thorough and spot-on that there’s nothing left for me to do but flail and squee excitedly, lol, so my apologies for just breezing through much of that, but my hat off to you once more!)

The concept of the spirits having their unique spirits has intrigued me so much since getting involved in this fandom. I’ve seen it range significantly across fics from being barely touched on at all to one I read very early on in my journey into this fandom where WWX’s soul had gotten sealed along with Suibian after his death and they could talk to one another (which was such a cool concept). Also, I know that per the book, the final confrontation is NMJ’s corpse coming after JGY in Guanyin Temple, but I really like the idea of it being Baxia in the live action drama, both in seeking vengeance for it’s wielder, but also in how it kills SS after NHS fakes being attacked by him, implying a loyalty of the sword spirit to NMJ that even it would also feel the drive to protect his little brother. It also reminds me just a bit of the manga/anime Noragami, where the Shinto gods use the spirits of dead people as their regalia (typically weapons and armor) and the relationships they establish with them. All that to say, that’s partially why I leaned on it a bit more here, as well as to twist the knife regarding what more JC lost with his core. But yes, the revelation/consideration of that from LXC does lend him an even greater amount of sympathy than he already had.

Heh. I had to chuckle so much that you’d forgotten that this fic is rated E. It’s very slow burn for the *ahem* truly explicit scenes, but yeah, even the exchanging of the mating bites is an intensely intimate moment, especially for two people who’ve barely had the chance to connect in much of any way. I also LOVE your comment about JC being ace coded! I, like many others, think it’s very easy to read him canonically as ace coded for a number of reasons, and I’ve written him as heavily ace in a couple of my fics. Here, I didn’t approach it necessarily with that mindset, but there are still arguably some remnants of that. But yeah, I am on both the ace and aro spectrums, so that’s yet another reason I’m so very endeared to JC, because the potential ace-ness is another way that I feel connected to him. Also, random aside, but it’s also interesting that you mention his crush on WQ here, because there is another way we can interpret that crush to support the “JC is ace” theory, which is that it’s him choosing a socially appropriate person to have a crush on like he’s supposed to, but one he knows is out of his league, so there’s no risk of it coming to fruition; that is something that some ace/aro people do when growing up to avoid having to have awkward conversations before they’re ready about not having crushes and all that. But yeah, JC idly asking about why the bites are a thing is partially inspired by me, lol. While I do have the ability to understand, enjoy, and get invested in romance/sex in a fantasy setting, both of them truly stymie me in real life, and I’ve had so many moments of questioning things, only to get askance looks from my allo companions, lol.

Ah yes, the longing. There will be so much of that, lol. But yeah, it is only natural to want closeness with a spouse, regardless of the situation, or maybe even because of it. And the physical representation of that internal distance that he’s feeling just makes it all the harder. Thank goodness their subconsciouses will instinctively fight that all the way! 😁 I just had to have them quite close in the morning, and they’ll only be getting closer the longer they’re together. It is an inevitability! Even if it’ll be slow, like JC’s overwhelming urge to be as hands-off as possible with LXC in order to protect him. (You are so so correct that this will be a continued issue between them: you’ve got one who’s sworn up and down to be respectful, and you’ve got the other interpreting that as a lack of interest and so something that can’t be asked for.)

I had to laugh at your comment about JC being a micromanager and your surprise that he’d let LXC do the accounting. Honestly, I can see that assessment of him a bit, but I do also think, depending on the other individual’s experience or level of importance (and truly, is anyone more splendid than LXC?), I think JC would be able to make the smart decision to delegate as needed. And so that small tidbit was also inspired by myself, because numbers and math can go die in a fucking fire, haha! I am the kind of person who has had to call her mother in tears multiple times to beg for help figuring out why her damn checkbook won’t balance correctly. I was an English major, dammit! There’s a reason I didn’t choose math. 🤣 So yeah, I guess a little self-insert characterization there.

But yeah, LXC is truly invested not only in his new home but also his new husband. And he’s so experienced a cultivator as well! So of course he takes note of JC’s actions, and of course he notices how he’s struggling. There’s no way he ever wouldn’t have on either account. And, sadly, it must devolve into their first fight. As well as they fit together, there are several ways that they don’t yet—like JC’s temper compared with LXC’s temperance—and it will be a learning curve for both to navigate, both to learn how to understand one another better as well as how to take care of one another.

But of course JC immediately feels bad! He’s not a dick or a bad guy, and I will die on that hill. He’s an overwhelmed, very stressed-out young man who is probably scared out of his wits more than half of the time who has terribly stunted emotional intelligence, largely caused by his upbringing. Honestly, it’s not all that different from, speaking broadly, many men (particularly in American culture). There’s such a pervasive amount of pressure to be “manly” and all that, that men are conditioned to never express any emotion apart from anger. It’s sad and upsetting, and something that needs to change…and just maybe something that eventually will change for JC here.

Once again, another excellent point from you, that JC’s jealousy is only the type in that he wants better/more for himself but never ever less for others. He doesn’t want to take, but rather only to grow.

The conversation between LXC and JYL was another that I was super excited to get to because they’re really a couple of my favorites as far as how soft and gentle they can be. Like you said, LXC is still a skittish man right now who still frets about and expects to be found lacking: he’s heard it his whole adolescence and young-adulthood, after all! So who better than JYL to gently ease him into truly feeling a part of the family? I also like when JYL talks so proudly about JC. I think she would anyway, but I think you can also learn a lot about a person based on how other people who know them talk about them when they aren’t around to hear what they’re saying. (You can also learn a lot about the person speaking if they’re a two-faced jerk, lol, but that’s another story.)

Oh yes, the sly look absolutely was there. The moment JYL heard about the upcoming nuptials, she made it her mission to do everything she could to steer this ship into genuine romantic waters, lol. As you note, she’s laying all the groundwork by giving LXC the inside scoop of what his husband is like and why he is the way he is. But it makes sense that LXC hesitates to believe that he’s important. His low self-esteem is slightly warping JC’s “I won’t ever take advantage of you pledge” to actually be “I won’t do that and it’s at least in part because I don’t want to,” and the longer their distance lingers, the worse that fear will likely become.

I like that you point out that the wedding night is a solid example/reminder for LXC of the softness and care that is within JC because it was such an odd night compared to the “normal” wedding night experience, but it’s true! LXC, even if he’s worried that this marriage will flounder or that he won’t be able to do what JYL is pushing hard for him to do, is perceptive enough to understand that the JC he saw that night who accepted his ribbon, who gave up his spiritual weapon, who licked his neck and then awkwardly apologized for it (lol) is real. So too might be the grumpy “I’ll bite your head off if I so much as get a whiff of you feeling pity for me” Jiang Cheng, but the softness is there, so there’s hope to bring that out more.

Regarding Zidian, LXC wears it openly! Just as JC wears his ribbon openly. The disciples at Lotus Pier may have some thoughts about it, but they haven’t got the history with the weapon that the rest do, and their loyalty to JC is such that they’d never gossip about it anyway. No telling what people outside the sect will think when they see or if we’ll even delve into it. JYL appreciates it—both on LXC in the first place and LXC wearing it openly—for the sign of acceptance and trust from JC that it is. As for WWX…his feelings are a bit more complicated than that, but not to any extreme degree.

lolol. Funnily enough, it took you multiple days to write out all your thoughts here, and it took me two days to get this reply to you composed as well. 😆 Nothing wrong with having a lot to say about a passionate topic, though. Thanks a bunch for your continued excitement and enthusiasm! 💜

(To anyone who’s read through this and now wants to check out this fic I’m writing, here’s a link: https://href.li/?https://archiveofourown.org/works/48148945)

[wychelm]

bummed about how elusive writing is. writing "well" at least. writing in a compelling and interesting way... I write way too stiffly, like I'm writing an academic essay (not even a good one), but whenever I wrote academic essays at uni I got so frustrated by how soulless and un-creative they felt, how everything has to be constrained by other people's ideas and arguments & neatly referenced. I didn't even MIND the referencing itself, it was kind of peaceful and satisfying in its own way, just the way... I don't know, but I think I took a little too much 'being logical' from uni writing and a little too much "constant allusion" from uni reading and I can't write anything creatively cohesive. sometimes I can write very descriptively, sometimes dialogue feels okay, mostly it's somewhere between clinical and Victorian hack, but the narrative is never cohesive and it is never, ever finished.

I think the goal is always close third person or an attempt at first person, but it never works out because I have to actively work against myself to put the character's personality into the writing rather than my own like machinations on language and attempts at metaphors the character wouldn't even choose. it's like a constant struggle against myself. a wheel turning in the dirt, going nowhere. and it's so frustrating because I want to be outside myself. the whole point of writing is that I want to inhabit other people and perspectives and ideas but fundamentally I'm not actually that good at it, because I can't do it very convincingly, even if I feel like I know them better than myself. and ultimately writing is about being convincing.

anyway this moping spawned because I wanted to write some stupid Alien shit to escape the physical pain I'm in again and I just can't seem to finish anything, ever, or even get past preliminary ideas, because I get sidetracked. I feel like I have to know everything in the world there is to know before I can even start to write. to write about an android I have to know everything about Wittgenstein's TLP, be able to recite Dreyfus' What Computers (Still) Can't Do from memory, and comprehend every word of physics papers from the 90s discussing the physical nature of information, and even then my brain considers that a limited set of sources. and then that is to say nothing of the actual WRITING, which might not even directly mention any of this stuff, but nonetheless will be informed by it conceptually and will make the writing more real.

it's like, to write well you have to be 100000 steps ahead of the actual thing you're writing. I'm playing 4D chess with myself here. I always have to know more than I know. the actual writing will always be dimmer than the knowledge itself, less interesting, less developed. especially compared to other people. some people can just balance all of this shit perfectly. cabrones.

anyway all this to say I have written 0 words but I've spent hours reading MULTIPLE Alien fan wikis (none of it makes any sense or is consistent but there we are), Wittgenstein's biography plus some bits and pieces of his writing (cool but now I want to buy the collection of his family letters), and half a psychology article about the physical nature of thought (I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH READING IT!!! LIKE COME ONNNNN BE SERIOUS WILL!!!!)

all this because I think it would be fun to hit a sweet little android with a little SOMEONE WANTS TO CUT A HOLE IN YOU AND FUCK YOU THROUGH IT, BUDDY!!!! but, like, literally

[dialnoisenow]

15 Day deity devotional Challenge

Odin Day 15: What do you want to learn? Where are we going?

This is going to be one of those posts that's like a blog recipe. First I'm going to tell you a story that is vaguely related to this and I might get sidetracked and start going on about an entirely different recipe than the one you came here for. "Wait, Day 15? What is the oven temp supposed to be?!" Trust me, the roast is fine.

I won’t lie to you this experience was a challenge, as it's supposed to be and I slipped up a few days. I’m not that disciplined. One time I told someone I was going to make them 12 pies in a year, one for each month as a present. (He got other things. It wasn't a complete disaster) I hyper focused on that project, carefully planning each month according pies and recipes. There were themes. I got through 2 months when the drive left, got depressed and then just stopped. I still owe him those pies. I’ll make them someday. 

There were a few days there when I was just too tired or something in life came up that prevented me from doing it. I started this challenge January 11th, on a Wednesday. I sat down with my computer, a cup of tea and my notebook. I dedicated at least an hour of my free time to researching Odin, every night for almost 15 days. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s what I can do. It’s what I can sacrifice, my free time. After the work day is done, after dinner has been made and eaten, after the kiddo is all taken care of and in bed, and I get that small window of spare time before “I have to go to bed, I have to take a shower, work in the morning”.  

He’s a god of sacrifice and knowledge after all. Always chasing the knowing. 

For Odin, this challenge was a deep dive*. I knew some basics about Him going into this and I knew the big myth concerning the runes because our relationship is mostly rune work. He doesn’t have an altar in my house or in my yard and I’m not sure if I’m going to make that commitment anytime soon. But I do like reading the myths and researching. And as far as devotionals go, I plan to set aside a bit of my time on the first Wednesday after the new moon for Him, to start. I know what I’m capable of. I know I get distracted and tired. I know that I have 7 other Gods I’m going to be doing this with. But the whole exercise is to refresh my practice, like a spritz of religious febreeze on the me couch. 

This is day 15 and I’m posting this first as a reflection piece. Next 15 is going to be all my research and thoughts pertaining to the other 14 days of this challenge. I plan to continue this work, as stated, and may just put everything in one of the fancy notebooks I’ve hoarded. 

Thank you for reading if you have. 

*deep dive for me. There are way deeper dives out there. I don't think I even went that deep. Like, I'm in the part of the pool that's just starting to slope. I'm in the shallow end right now but not the kiddie pool or stuck on the steps waiting for the pool floaty to come my way. You really can't learn to swim strongly with the pool floaty. It's just comfy for breaks with something in a glass that has a paper umbrella.

[lily-isalittlegirl]

here's a fun interaction for you. so over dinner my dad asks me why my face is kinda red. now it's not like full on blush or heatstroke sort of red, it's just kind of flushed or maybe irritated.

it's been pretty warm the last couple of days and i was also outside for a while today, so it's reasonable that my dad asks that. i also have a pretty bad history of getting heatstroke in only mildly warm weather. so that's valid.

anyway, he asks if it's a sunburn or something. i'm like, nah, i know what's going on. i already noticed it yesterday. so my natural explanation is that "oh no it's because i kept my makeup on for like, thirteen hours yesterday"

now i am a broke ass bitch and most of my makeup (the direct foundations and stuff that go on my face anyway) are from my mother. which means, it is quite old. like this is from an era where my mom picked chanel foundation because she heard somewhere that it contained the least lead. so there's that.

of course my face is going to want to break out after thirteen hours of that, especially when the weather's been alternating between stupidly humid, very warm, and cold ass rain. gotta love the northeast!

also doesn't help that besides having a concert yesterday, we got home maybe five hours later than we could have because my parents found some friends and stood around chatting for forever. oopsies, got sidetracked or whatever. and then add stage lights into that and i think you've got a nice recipe for OH FUCK MY SKIN HATES ME NOW. (i also have eczema, so my skin hates me on a normal basis anyway)

moral of the story: do not let your parents talk for forever; drag them DIRECTLY home after a concert

[dzpenumbra]

7/10/23

Goddammit, I was lined up to start this at 2:30 today. I had it all planned out and everything. I had my small dinner at midnight and I was going to finish up some work and then hop on here and do this and then get to bed at a decent hour. And, of course, I got sidetracked and sucked into something and now it's 4:30.

Let's start from the top. My neighbor was making creaking and bumping noises above my head from 9AM until I finally got up around 2 or 3. The first time I woke up, I literally felt like I fell off a cliff. Like... I remember vividly a time I was hiking in Fall off-trail and I slipped on dry leaves and started sliding downhill a few feet towards a 25+ foot cliff... that feeling. My heart was pounding through my solar plexus. It was so fucking jarring that I went to my very special sketchbook that I only put the most important, most meaningful things in... and I did my best attempt to draw my Primal Self getting the shit scared out of him.

I then did a sketch of Me... trying to calm my Primal Self down from a distance, as it was coiled up and frightened like a wild skunk that broke in and somehow trapped itself in your entry room, at the moment when you flip the lights on and it backs itself into a corner and starts screeching at you. My role being... reassuring from a distance and showing the surroundings to him. Prove to him that he's safe.

It deeply upset me. It's horrible. It was so upsetting that I resolved to get to bed early, because... I mean... yes, I will feel the same kind of scared if I wake up suddenly and it's pitch dark out... but not to the degree that I will if I wake up to someone SLAMMING something 6 feet above my head. And these motherfuckers are not awake at 4 AM. Unless it's the day before Easter and they are having family over and they get the sudden urge to vacuum their apartment...

At this point, fixing my sleep schedule feels like it's getting to be a matter of physical health. Not just mental or spiritual health. It is not physically healthy for my body to be subjected to this level of stress regularly. Here's the worst part. I can try to justify to my nervous system "it's just people being people, they're just living their life, you're okay..." And it does work to turn my inner alarm system off after the fact... very effectively, too. But I can't rewire my inner alarm systems to get used to loud bangs and crashes, HUMAN SOUNDS, 6 feet away from my head when I live alone. It's simply a survival thing. It's a self-preservation thing, it's just not smart for me to train the autonomic system in my subconscious that the sound of human activity that appears from the senses to be coming from inside my home, when I live alone... is a perfectly safe sound to be hearing while I'm fucking unconscious.

In case I'm not connecting the dots clear enough, the problem is that my nervous system is correct. It's reacting appropriately. I should be startled if I hear fireworks or a car backfiring a block away. I should be alert to that. Does that mean piss myself? No. But if I hear a sound that sounds like someone climbing the stairs to my bedroom, I better be wide the fuck awake and out of bed. And the adrenaline surge I was provided with this morning was enough for me to leap out of bed and fight a fucking bear.

So yeah, I'm a bit upset about this situation. Still. And it's not like I have a lot of living options... the housing market is fucking laughable. Almost as absurd as the healthcare situation. So... I just have to figure this out, one way or another.

I tried to just... resolve to get to bed earlier. It seemed like the best solution overall. The current hour is testament that... that did not go as planned.

I went downstairs, did my Zen Garden (which is super relaxing), got some water, got my AirPods and went back to bed. I didn't get back to sleep for at least half an hour of just laying there listening to white noise with the noise cancelling on. Oh, and get this. With the box fan... and the noise cancelling... and white noise playing in the earbuds... They still woke me up twice. They still fucking woke me up twice. Because, out of their entire apartment, they decide to set up their most commonly used living space precisely above my bed. I'm tempted to write my landlord and just... ask them if they would mind just moving their shit over to the other side of their main room? I feel like that's super forward and "bitchy neighbor" of me, but I've been losing sleep over this shit for 6 fucking months now. It's really fucking me up.

On top of all this, I had super disturbing dreams. Like... brainwash cult sweeping the nation and people very close to me were swept in, and they were like... potentially violent and shit. Super scary shit. It was not a good sleep.

I finally got up and... after journaling my dream... I found that the farmer's market ended at 2pm. I didn't get back to sleep until about 11, and I didn't get up until about 3. If I had slept through the night, I might've been able to make the last hour of it. I was upset about that.

I did yoga. It was nice, but my mind was wandering a lot. Which happens sometimes, it's okay. It was a nice practice. It started to storm and rained the rest of the day. I did my workout and played Hades. That's my routine now, pour my coffee so it cools to room temperature by the time I'm done... fire up a run in Hades... start my workout and play Hades during my rest in between sets. Then, when I'm done, eat breakfast, have coffee and finish my run. It's been working pretty well, I like it.

Tomorrow is my last day on my workout challenge, it's been a month already. Crazy how time flies. I think I've lost 3 or 4 pounds. I'm considering seeing if there's an exercise plan that includes stationary bike riding or a treadmill or something. I can just do my workout in the gym anytime then, it should be open 24/7. Then I can get a bit more of a sustained cardio workout, which has been missing from my exercise lately.

I dyed some beads, enough for another necklace that should be quite a bit longer than the last one. This one is a deep rich blue. I also decided to say fuck it and pull beads for a second necklace to do at the same time. A much longer one that is made of 88 of the smallest beads I have. This time, instead of sanding after dyeing... I sanded before. Which really does make the most sense. But... again... I have to do that by hand. So I started the day by sanding 32 medium sized beads by hand, one-by-one... then dying them, and setting them out to dry. That's a lot of sanding.

Then I did some house care. I'm downplaying that a bit. I... put Max's cat tree into storage. Finally. I had been using it as a stand for my lighting at night... at least that was my justification, I haven't been using those lights for several months now, I haven't needed to, I haven't been going to bed while it's dark. So... I figured... I'd have to do it eventually. And I put it into storage. And that part of the room is a lot emptier now. And it's really heart-wrenching, still. But it had to happen some day. And it's allowing the home to evolve a bit. I also brought the now potted Pothos upstairs to the loft, to their new home. They're all growing new leaves and growing quite fast now. So that's really nice!

I took some of the string lights that I had from the cat tree and I plan on putting them upstairs in the hallway leading to my bedroom. Maybe if I have more lighting at night, I will feel more safe waking up at night. I don't know. Worth a shot. Maybe I can get some lights for downstairs too, just so it's not like... this big gaping abyss full of dangerous mysteries below me.

So yeah, that was hard, but it was an important step for me. After that, I decided to set up a meal plan program. I signed up for a site that sorta... builds a meal plan for you and even has integration to buy your groceries and shit. It's pretty cool. So I made a deal with myself. I cancelled the subscription I had for this music sampling collection... which was a bit heartbreaking, but I haven't been using at all... and got this subscription instead, which was 1/3 the monthly cost. It made sense.

After I got that set up, I put it aside and started setting up the second necklace. I figured... with how time consuming the tung oil process is... why not just work in bulk? So I separated 88 small beads and strung them, and got the dye ready. Then I remembered... I didn't sand them... -_- Yep. So... I put on a YouTube lecture on the origins of religion and spiritual expression based on the latest archaeological discoveries (which was fucking mind-blowing and amazing and 1.5 hours long) and sorted, resized the holes and started sanding all 88 of them. One-by-one. By hand. I got to the halfway mark (44) by dinner time (around 12). And I pushed myself to do 22 more, since I was in a groove. And I did.

Then I did dinner. Just ramen with a few eggs and a soy/hot sauce base, some green onions, a little sesame oil to finish. One of the eggs fell on the floor and I had to clean it up. Just... you know... to spice up the day a bit more... And then I sat down and ate and started working on that meal planner. And these meals... so many of them just look so fucking basic and bland. Like... pasta with oil and some garlic and one basil leaf and 2 split cherry tomatoes. I don't know. A lot of the meal combos were really fucking weird... like asian food with cheese quesadillas as a side? Just... strange... And a lot of the food just didn't really seem appealing to me. Lots of flax stuff, and protein shakes... but I did find quite a bit of stuff that's going to work for me. Plus... it's all vegetarian, so that's a simple transition.

The Blue Jay is back. Actually there are two of them talking to each other, at least two. It's pouring rain out. I can tell it's my morning visitor, the big guy. It's the exact same time. I've been hearing him a lot lately. I wonder if he's just bitching for more free food... XD How fucking cool would it be to have a tame Blue Jay? They're in the Corvid family, with Crows, though not incredibly closely related. They do seem on a very different level than other song birds though. They're nuts. I've heard them imitate the sound of Red-Tailed Hawks to scare off other competing birds before. How fucking nuts is that?

Anyway. I got super lost in the whole meal planner thing. Because... they added this thing into it where you can inventory your pantry and then it sorta... figures out meals with your on-hand ingredients... and then orders shit that you need. Or at least it's supposed to, I haven't tried yet. It even had a barcode scanner thing on it, so it made it pretty easy to do (when it worked). But... again... I got super lost in it and inventoried literally all of my food. And then I looked at the clock and went "oh shit, I have to finish the beads..." So I finished the 2-week meal plan, as best as I could, and I'll come back to it tomorrow. And I went back to the beads. And I finished sanding the last 22 beads. And I went and soaked 44 of them on a string in the dye. This dye is green... but I watered it down. And I'm a little afraid that I might have watered it down a bit... too much. The other two necklaces, I didn't water that shit down fucking at all. So all I had to do was just roll them around a bit, let them soak the dye in, and they were nice and vibrant. This? I'm gonna let these puppies soak overnight. We'll see what they look like tomorrow. So I wedged a rock in there with them to keep them submerged in the dye and they're just gonna do their thing. The other half? I think I'm going to leave them undyed. I'm tempted to draw symbols of some sort on them. I liked the idea of like a prayer flag concept, of like... writing a symbol and putting an intention into each one, and repeating that 88 times. Or maybe cycling through the Zodiac symbols? I don't know, I haven't decided yet. I'm also going to have to settle on a medium for that. But at the core, this is going to be alternating green (likely very desaturated green, maybe like a green tea color) and natural wood color, and they'll have the nice rich oil stain to them as well. So... likely a subtle alternation of colors.

Oh, and I put the last necklace in a sealed bag with a cinnamon stick. Hopefully that will seal an aroma into it, I'll leave it for like a week or something. If not, I've always got powdered cinnamon too.

Okay, I think that's everything from today. Big goddamn day. But I still felt like I didn't actually finish anything. The blue beads aren't oil coated. I didn't get to sand the display table that I am 100% going to refinish in this batch as well... I didn't finish dying the small beads. I didn't finish setting up my meal planner. So yeah, that's a frustrating feeling. I get that a lot. But I really need to remember that just because something is not complete, doesn't mean I didn't work hard on it and accomplish a lot. And today was just non-stop working hard on good, healthy, cool things. And in the end, I'm happy with it.

Now, I really need to get to bed because I'm insanely tired. Headphones are 100% coming to bed with me tonight.