#i got extra gloves and handwraps

[sihtricfedaraaahvicius]

I am not completely fucking dying at Arnas kickboxing in his current insta story while I'm sitting in my Venum UFC shorts as we speak. I need a moment.

Also loving how several people forwarded the story to me saying he's literally recreating my fic LMAO

[friendlyneighbourhood-spider-dan]

Hey there boys, girls, and folks who think the gender binary is a type of beetle, it’s time for RIDICULOUS D&D BUILDS. On today’s episode, how to blast as much radiant power from your fist in as short a time frame as possible. Now, as you might expect, most of our build is going to be Paladin, 12 levels in fact. This guarantees us a few things: 1. Enough spell slots to fuel our thirst for delicious divine justice. 2. A bunch of really cool utility features, like Lay on Hands and Aura of Protection, which honestly serve to make this build a lot more sensible than it actually is so for the purposes of comedy we are ignoring them. 3. Spells that we could cast but won’t because that takes up resources and actions that could be better spent DECKING FOOLS. 4. The Oath of Vengeance subclass, which in addition to the very nice Vow of Enmity, also grants SPELLS WE MIGHT ACTUALLY CAST, such as Hunter’s Mark, Haste, and on this occasion, HOLD PERSON. 5. The Improved Divine Smite feature. 6. Access to the “Unarmed Fighting” Fighting Style. Now, since our hands will be empty (to better grab and pummel the evils of the world), they will start at 1d8 damage, and Improved Divine Smite means that each of our attacks will also deal 1d8 radiant damage. So we’ve got a 2d8 weapon right off the bat! Our next class that we’re actually going to significantly invest in is Monk, because in addition to being a gutsy brawler fuelled by sheer hutzpah, we’ve also gotta learn Justice-Fu. We’re taking 6 levels in Monk for the following reasons: 1. Martial arts means our unarmed strike gives us a bonus action attack, and 3 attacks per round is sweet! 2. Flurry of Blows and the 6 ki points we have mean that if we were trying to be efficient, we could have +2 attacks a round (bringing our total to 4) for quite a duration. But we’re not doing that, in fact, in our SUPREME ALPHA STRIKE OF IMMENSE JUSTICE we’re only going spend 1 ki point on it. The other 5 will be spent on: 3. FANGS OF THE FIRE SNAKE. That’s right soldier, we’ve got an actual goddamn use for the Way of the Four Elements Monk, and it’s called spending a Ki point to get extra melee reach, and then spending the rest of our ki to add fire damage to our punches. 4. Also just in case the DM doesn’t hand you like, +1 Handwraps, your fists are magical. And finally, we’re topping our build off with 2 levels of Fighter, for exactly 1 reason and 1 reason only: ACTION SURGE. Because you know what’s better than just launching four exploding fire punches of pure divine fury? SIX EXPLODING FIRE PUNCHES OF PURE DIVINE FURY.

What does all of this accomplish though Mr. Dan? I’m glad you asked Jimmy, it accomplishes us blowing nearly all of our daily resources to punch the sun at 1 specific humanoid. Also, since we’re being silly (if you thought you were ever being serious you’re a fool and a scoundrel), let’s assume magic items are FAIR GAME, in which case, our three of choice (why 3? I dunno man, if I was thinking logically I’d say it’s because that’s the number of attunement slots we have, but none of this is logical beyond my ability to add numbers to other numbers, so instead it’s because that’s how many Charmed Sisters there are at one time) are: 1. Gauntlets of Ogre Power - Does nothing on its own other than make us not have to worry about pumping Strength higher than 13 (So we can focus on Constitution and Charisma for fun things like staying alive long enough to punch the ass out of someone). 2. Belt of Storm Giant Strength - Technically Cloud is just fine, this does the Ogre Power thing but BETTER, because Str 29 is almost perfect. ALMOST. 3. The Hammer of Thunderbolts - Sure it’s a hammer that we’re not going to wield (Or one we COULD use, and them dramatically sheath as we declare that in fact, THE GLOVES ARE ON, because why not have fancy golden boxen gloves of justice), but it also forms a neat little cset with our other magic items that boosts our Strength up to 30!

Step 1: Cast Hold Person. Good job, that’s an action, they’re paralysed. Maybe your allies will take advantage of that. Hopefully they fail the save on their turn too so you can actually benefit but HUSH WE’RE NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT.

Step 2: Burn your action surge, your 3rd level spell slots (3 of them), your remaining 2nd level spell slots (2 of them) and a 1st level spell slot for smites, 1 Ki Point for Flurry of Blows and 5 Ki points on Fangs of the Fire Snake (1 to activate, 4 to add +4d10 fire damage).

Across 6 hits, this totals up: 6d8+60 bludgeoning damage 6d8 radiant damage (6d8 from Improved Divine Smite, 20d8 from all the Divine Smiting we just did) 4d10 fire damage.

EXCEPT WAIT A GOSH-DARNED PARALYSED-MEANS-ATTACKS-FROM-WITHIN-5FT-ARE-AUTOMATIC-CRITICAL-HITS MINUTE, WE CAST HOLD PERSON DIDN’T WE. BETTER DOUBLE THOSE DICE SUNSHINE, OUR DM WEEPS BUT WE KNOW NO MERCY FOR THE MONOPOLY MAN!

12d8+60 bludgeoning

52d8 radiant

8d10 fire damage.

And why not make ourselves a Half-Orc because we forgot about races and frankly it’s the only one that comes to mind (there might be a better choice BUT I DON’T CARE I’VE LITERALLY GONE MAD WITH POWER), so we’re adding an extra 1d8 to all those crits, so another 6d8 for our troubles.

70d8+60+8d10

*proud whistling noise* Now that’s some justice right there partner. AT A MINIMUM, you’re looking at landing a sweet 138 damage. The average is 419 damage. No I don’t stutter cadet, you heard you exactly right. FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETEEN SWEET POINTS OF FISTICFUFFS. STRAIGHT TO ONE SPECIFIC HUMANOID’S DUMB FACE.

After that’s done you’re left with what is likely a rapidly cooling pile of meat, 3 1st level spell slots (which are definitely going to be used for utility spells and not fuelling your radiant handcannons), and a very low AC because I forgot to tell you that using the Monk stuff means our AC is 10+Dex+Wis (we can’t wear armour if we want to Flurry), and I’ll be real with you this is unlikely to be a build where we’ve invested heavily in either of those two.