#i get to have hugs and free therapy while you DON'T>:D

[als-basement]

people out there getting things like the fudge, gloink queen and jax

meanwhile I get to chill here the lesbian dolly tehe

Which one did you get?

As for myself,-

YES

[prettyinpwn]

Re: people taking the Dipper and Ford parallels involving the apprenticeship and the Scholarship, because- like- it's absolutely also a case of the 'fantasy vs reality' theme of the series, like- Ford's apprenticeship was never going to last longer than a week, if Dipper didn't have a breakdown and beg to be taken home (which is not exactly off the table granted Ford isn't in a super emotionally stable place either) then it wouldn't exactly be long until their parents are roadtripping all the way up to Gravity falls to kick Uncle Stanford's ass for trying to keep their child without their knowledge or consent. It's acknowledged in the show that the apprenticeship wasn't REALLY something Dipper realistically thought was an option but was indeed another fantasy, but it's an understated moment in the escape from reality ep and most people forget it was there.(i mean what does staying in oregon with a hermit scientist in the woods studying anomalies do to help him get into film school for his own ghost hunting series?)

and if you take that to parallel ford's 'fantasy setup' one could probably extrapolate that he'd have been kind of miserable at West Coast Tech anyway, of course, we don't have any way to prove that bc Dipper was able to quickly identify that Mabel was emotionally manipulated and tricked into the situation, but Ford was too blinded by his own hurt feelings (and Stanley's terrible attempts at explaining himself) to realize it WAS an accident and lbr the WCT people probably wouldn't have given him a free ride scholarship anyway they were a tech school in Silicon Valley in the 70s and Ford was some poor kid from a poor town in Jersey they absolutely would NOT have given him a free ride scholarship

In a funny way though, this means that Stan is the anomaly among the 'fantasy vs reality' themes of the pines family, bc while Dipper and Ford and Mabel were all, while in the midst of it, utterly convinced of their own fantasies, only able to realize how UNrealistic they were in hindsight, Stan as the family conman was always well aware of the lies he told and that were told to him. And that's how you get so good at selling fantasies that you can out-lie the triangle SO BADLY that he's still raging about it in his therapy journal ten years later

(Oof sorry it took me so long to reply, I've gotten a lot of messages lately and I take these weird ass breaks from Tumblr from days to months at a time for some reason.)

Some great thoughts to ponder in this, Anon, so thank you for sending them in! Yeah, that's another theme I forgot to mention, like you said: fantasy vs. reality. And the beauty of that theme in Gravity Falls, is that even the setting is a symbol of it: where the fantasy of the supernatural and the reality of a little rural town with every day people collide.

I think you're right: Stan is the most balanced of all in this manner. He never really gets drawn into an unreality or fantasy. He knows what's what and what's bullshit, because like you said, he sells bullshit for a living. In fact, I'd argue he's too much into reality. Poor guy needs some escapism and hugs. </3

But yeah, it's very possible that Ford and Dipper would have been utterly miserable if they'd followed the "fantasy" path in life. My favorite way of explaining my thoughts on the whole apprenticeship thing can be summed up in this shot from D&MvsF, and it might be my favorite shot in all of Season 2, honestly:

I can't prove it was intentional - Hirsch and crew would have to do that - but it's almost funny how Ford is portraying himself as this hero. He says, "Dipper, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?" and strikes this pose. But like... that doesn't look like a hero. That looks like a broken old man with shadows and cracks placed seemingly very intentionally over his reflection.

Even the lighting feels symbolic: there's light on Dipper, whereas the only light on Ford is behind him. Like Dipper's story still has hope and his best days are ahead, whereas Ford squandered the good in his life for decades and is alone in the darkness of his work. It's... kinda depressing, actually. Looking at this shot always makes me feel awful for Ford.

In symbolic language, this shot says to me, "This is the same kind of person, but the older one's a darker reflection of the younger one. A forewarning of what could happen.". Because, look, I'll defend Ford to the end, but like all the other Pines, he's flawed. This man harmed his best friend/lover/however you interpret what Fiddleford was to him, his brother, himself, and almost ended the universe. Like... Ford apocalyptically fucks up, literally. So for him to still think he's on a noble path and tries to portray his way of life to Dipper as this heroic thing in this scene, I feel like he's trying to convince himself as much as Dipper that he's a hero. But his reflection here doesn't lie.

So honestly, I see the apprenticeship as Ford trying to project his image onto Dipper. To become the hero he failed to become, and by training Dipper, he'll think, "Oh, my legacy isn't tarnished, because look at what I produced!". And that's why I think this shot is amazing, because it feels like Dipper starting to see the cracks in his great uncle he's idolized all summer up until this point. He's not the amazing author he fantasized about as this great hero, he's... a broken man with flaws, exploring the husk of a long dead spacecraft with alien death all around him.

I think you're right on the West Coast Tech front, too. This delves into my super big masterpost on Ford's writing, but in that post, I came to the conclusion that Ford's yearning for West Coast Tech was more about impressing his father and providing for family over his own passions.

He didn't even really want to go to West Coast Tech until his principal was like, "Hey, this place exists, and could make you a millionaire.". Filbrick was impressed, and THAT'S when Ford was like, "Hm... now I'm excited!". I think if he went there, he wouldn't have made any friends since that's been a constant in his life except for Fiddleford. Speaking of, he wouldn't have even met Fiddleford if he'd gone there, anyway. So in all likelihood... Ford would have been very alone with very stuffy, elite folks and would have felt more alienated than usual.

Like, can you picture Ford actually fitting in with people at that college? It would have likely been mostly people in the, "Mommy and Daddy bought me a place here!" circle who rode coattails to get in. Like, they'd talk about yachts and crap and Ford would be like, "Yeah, I found a rotten old boat on the beach with my brother once.". And likely it would have ended with raised brows and, "Ew, it's a poor, it has cooties and six fingers!".

That, or he would have been surrounded by other egotistical nerds. And no offense to really intelligent people, but in my experience, some extremely smart people can be condescending. Ford might have found a similar atmosphere at WCT where he might have been looked down on by people that were even smarter than him - or richer - and with even less social tact.

Trust me... I've been around a bunch of Fords on steroids in real life, and it ain't fun being surrounded by arrogant geniuses, speaking as a nerd myself. There are two types of nerds: the ones who accept their outcast-ness and are comfortable with it, and those who are insecure who take it out on others by pulling the "outcast" stick out of their asses and beating up other nerds with it. I'd bet an arm and leg that WCT would have been full of those kinds, making Ford miserable (or he'd have adapted to become just as snooty and/or arrogant as them).

At Backupsmore, he had Fiddleford from a similar poor background he could relate to (and humility - can we all pause to clap for Fiddleford for being a humble genius?) and just enough money for a grant and freedom, but not enough for his father to come running with a hand out, and likely less condescending people. He actually probably was better off going to Backupsmore, honestly.

Anyways, sorry this was a super long reply, but these are all my thoughts on the topics you brought up. Long story short, I agree on the fantasy vs reality theme you mentioned applying to Dipper and Ford. WCT could have been awful for Ford both in the peer and father greediness department, and the apprenticeship likely would have been awful for Dipper in the dark path department. Both Dipper and Ford are way better off being with their twins, imo, or at least that's the show's thesis on the matter.

[starynightcreator]

It's Not All Bad

Chapters: 8-8

Characters included: Eddie Munson, Nancy Wheeler, and Steve Harington

Word Count: 2,548

No use of Y/N

18+! May be triggering to some!

Contains: Fluff, Angst, Kissing, Shy/ Anxious Reader, Sweet/Protective Eddie, Jealousy, Cursing, Alcohol use, Yelling, Heartbreak, Betrayal, & Friends To Lovers.

Summary: After a betrayal from your best friend and boyfriend, you find comfort in the arms of eddie.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. This is my first story and I'm a little nervous.

!Must give credit when re-sharing/ sharing. Don't take credit please and thank you!

PART EIGHT:

So you look down but at Eddie's hands and you just go before you back out…

You grab his hand and ask. “Edds?” “Yes Star?”“I’ve liked you pretty much since I've met you and I knew when I met you I'd always want you in my life. I love spending time with you. You are the best thing that ever happened in my life and what gets me outta bed everyday. Please don’t ever leave Eddie. I don't know what I'd do without you.”“Star?”“Yes”“I love you.” You just looked at him for a moment not because you didn’t feel the same, it was more because you weren't expecting it. “It’s fine if yo- '' You cut Eddie off with a kiss and then when you pulled away. “I love you too, Pretty Boy.” Eddie could tell you were a tad nervous about kissing him before asking as normally you would have for something like that. He then decided to even the score to show in his own odd way that he was okay with it. “Hey Star do you wanna be my girlfriend?”“Yes Eddie I d-” He then cut you off by kissing you which led to you giggling. “Hey, what's so funny huh?”“You trying to even the score. It’s cute.” Eddie then pulls you into a hug. “Ugh no it’s not. Let's watch a movie.”“Okay.” He watched you smile and smile in a way you hadn’t in a while which made him even happier than he was. You both finally found a movie and started to watch it. Just before it starts you look at Eddie and say. “Yeah know Edds It’s not all bad. I have you and that’s all I ever truly needed to be happy” Eddie just smiled “You right And as long as I have my Star i’ll never get lost in the dark again”.

Months went by and Steve tried to contact you with his pathetic apologies and excuses. His contacting got worse when Nancy left him for Johnathan. So bad he reached out to Eddie not realizing the first time you guys were dating after he did find out he tried to get violent. Luckily Hooper stepped in and Steve went and got therapy. Eddie has officially moved in with you and you guys are planning a road trip for fall.

I hope you enjoyed the story of Star and Eddie! I hope you have a lovely day/night!

-Xoxo <3

[autobots-in-training]

The Firing of (ex)Doctor Moros

So i accidentally answered an ask mentioning this character without actually posting the fic, sorry about that! My head has been a little bit of a mess lately!

Now, before proceeding, PLEASE read the warnings. I mean it. None of the things mentioned are written in explicit detail, I did a lot of research, as well have experience dealing with some of this.

TW: the following is mentioned and discussed, but not written in detail, child medical abuse, child abuse, child sexual assault, child in emotional distress, parent loss, queer slurs(dr moros does call 2 of the kids a slur outright, but not to their faces).

If you think any of those will cause you to spiral, or cause you emotional distress, please, take care of yourself, and skip this fic.

Rung does his therapy thing, but i studied graphic design and photography, i don't know the correct etiquette for a therapist talking to a small child that has experienced something traumatic. And i don't remember how my therapists treated me when i was a kid.

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59713495

"Sunny!! Sunny, you won't believe what i found while Bee and I were chaperoning First Aid and Springer on their little date!" Sideswipe burst into the room he shared with his twin and Bumblebee.

When the red twin got no answer, he looked around the room. He was about to leave, it seemed like no one was there, when he heard a quiet sob.

"Sunny?" he approached his twin's bed. "Hey, Suns, you alright?"

There was only a sob under the blanket. Sideswipe sat on the bed, trying to get his twin's attention.

"Hey. Sunstreaker? What's wrong?" he asked.

The blanket was thrown, and his twin threw himself at Sideswipe, hugging him tightly.

"What happened?" he asked quietly.

Sunstreaker said nothing, he just cried. Sideswipe soothed his twin, trying to calm him down.

Finally, a while later, Sunstreaker backed up, enough to look at his twin.

"Do... do you think that Ironhide hates us?"

"Huh? Why do you ask? D-did he say something to you? Did he wake up?" Sideswipe asked. Ironhide had been injured in the last Autobot vs Decepticon battle. He'd been in a coma since then.

"He didn't... I-I went to visit him, in the morning. I just wanted to keep him company, even if he's not conscious. I didn't have anything to do today, so I just wanted to be there for him! A-and... The-the doctor that was keeping watch on his vitals... He said... W-well, he made this noise, and when i looked at him, he said th-that Ironhide is probably happy he's unconscious!"

He took a deep breath. "He said that 'Hide is probably glad he doesn't have to deal with us right now! Because we're troublesome, and annoying! That we should be glad he picked us up off the street, that he should have just thrown us back! He hates us, Sides!" Sunstreaker sobbed into his hands.

"I'll kill him! I'll kill them both!" Sideswipe stood up, tried to march out of their shared room, Sunstreaker stops him before he gets too far. "He said that to you! He has to be lying, 'Hide loves us, i know he does!"

"Sides. please. I... I don't want to cause any trouble... I just want to forget this. I-I only told you because I knew you wouldn't drop this. Please. Just stop." Sunstreaker begs.

Sideswipe sighs. He's angry. Ironhide loves them. Why would he stay their guardian if he hated them?

"Can we at least tell Rung?"

Sunstreaker shook his head.

"Sunny, please. You're a mess, let's just go talk to him.

"... Fine. You're coming in with me. Please."

"I will. We're siblings, I'll be there with you whenever you need me."

They hugged, Sunstreaker held his twin tightly, Sideswipe hugged back just as tight.

Now. Time to talk to Rung.

-

"Ironhide is still recovering, but the rest of the medbay is free after the battle from a few weeks ago. You've probably noticed, but the medbay has become quite a mess since then." Ratchet sighed, he sounded tired. "So we will be concentrating on cleaning and restocking supplies today. Nurse June will have your assignments, Velocity and I still have some paperwork from before the battle, so we'll try to catch up on that."

Nurse June directed the other doctors and nurses on their assignments for the day.

"Cass, you and Luke are cleaning the medical beds in the front of the medbay, Sarah, you'll be continuing your work from yesterday-" Nurse June kept going, telling everyone their assignments, Cassandra and Luke got to work.

They both worked in relative silence. They weren't super close, even if they had both started working with the Autobots at around the same time, a few months before.

"CARRIER!"

The sudden commotion startled all the humans in the vicinity.

Cass looked up, and saw the ambulance kid and the green kid, holding hands. She couldn't remember their names yet, but she did know that the ambulance kid was Ratchet's son. However that worked.

"First Aid-" that was his name! "How many times have I told you not to yell in this medbay!"

"Sorry carrier! We asked Prowl if we could go to the city today with Bee and Sideswipe, he said yes, if you also say yes!" First Aid said excitedly, swinging their hands back and forth.

"Those two are such sweet kids." Cass said, mostly to herself.

She smiled at how cute the boys were, when she heard her coworker wretch behind her. Cassandra turned quickly, feared that Luke was getting sick.

"Are you OK-" The concern died when she saw that she was giving such a nasty look towards the two boys just asking to go out to the city.

She knew that look. When she came out at school, when she brought her first girlfriend to meet her parents, when her coworkers at her first residency found out she lived with a woman...

Cassandra barely heard what Luke said next.

"I finally get to work with aliens, and they turn out to be fags." Luke spit out, his voice dripping with disgust.

It took every fiber in Cassandra's being to not say anything. The fear of Luke blowing up at her, she was terrified, the memory of being attacked verbally by her old boss, she didn't want that to happen again.

She said nothing.

-

Mirage and Illusion were having a lazy late morning.

Illusion was still small enough to lay on Mirage's chest without denting it. She was tapping his chest lightly, following some rhythm only she understood.

The racer checked his internal clock, and started getting up.

A little whine came from the youngling. Mirage chuckled.

"Come on, its nearly midday, we can't lay around all day." he said.

"Can." she said simply.

Even if they had been on earth for nearly a year now, Illusion still didn't use full sentences in English.

Mirage fully stood up, Illusion latched on to his chest. He chuckled again. "Illy, disengage your magnets"

She just shook her head.

"Illy, your physical therapy appointment is soon. You can't stay on my chest all day." Mirage supported her back. "You have to let-"

He had to turn down his hearing, after Illusion let out a shriek.

"No! No no no!!" she disengaged her magnets, Mirage would have dropped her had he not had his hand on her back.

Mirage knew something was wrong. Ever since they arrived, and Ratchet had started giving Illusion physical therapy, she'd been so much happier, she'd been having less pain. Her reaction... it worried him.

"Illy, what's wrong, my spark? Can you tell me in cybex?" he switched over to their native language. "Illusion, what's wrong?"

Illusion just kept screaming.

He couldn't do this alone.

Mirage called his conjunx.

"Hound!" he yelled into his comm, not even greeting his partner.

"What's wrong?" Hound was immediately worried.

"Please tell me your shift ends in the next minute, I need your help, right now." Mirage was still rocking Illusion back and forth, trying to sooth her. "I have to use private comms because Illusion won't stop crying! Please, please, please come back to the hab!"

"I'm on my way."

It took half an hour, but Hound finally bursts into the habsuite. He immediately turns down his hearing, Illusion's cries being to much for even his ears.

Mirage was pacing back and forth, rocking Illusion, trying to get her to calm down, he was crying as well.

It shattered his spark to see this. Illusion hadn't cried like this since they arrived on earth. Ratchet had helped them figure out why she was always in pain, why she was never comfortable.

"What happened?" Hound asked through private comms.

"I told her it was almost time for her physical therapy, and she started screaming 'no'! I haven't been able to calm her down, and I'm scared!" Mirage cried. "Hound, what if this joint thing is getting worse? What if physical therapy isn't helping anymore? I don't want her to be in constant pain again! I can't do that again!"

Hound grabbed Mirage's shoulders. "Raj, look at me, its not going to come to that. You're panicking, and that isn't going to help anyone. Maybe Rung can help us calm them down. You just said physical therapy and they freaked out?"

Mirage nodded.

"Alright. We're going to Rung, he's helped us when she was scared and wouldn't stop crying before. He can help us again." he cupped Mirage's face, the racer closed his eyes and leaned into the hand.

They made their way to Rung's office. Illusion's cries giving them a wide radius of space. A bitlet's cries hurt to a Cybertronian, it could burst a human's eardrums.

Once they arrived to the hall where Rung's office was located, Hound ran ahead, knocking rapidly on his door.

"Hello?" the petite doctor answered the door.

"Rung, please tell me you don't have a patient right now."

"Drift just left a few minutes ago-"

"Please, help us with Illusion." Hound interrupted him. "She started screaming and crying when it was time for her physical therapy, and she hasn't stopped since."

"Shouldn't Ratchet be helping you with that? He can reassure her-"

"Rung, this is not normal for her. She's always excited to go, it helps her feel better. Before these regular appointments, she was in constant pain." Hound started "She used to be nervous about it, but she loves them now. Something happened, Ratchet is busy with patients right now, I passed by the medbay, some idiot started a fight in the rec room."

Rung took it all in. "Seems like this does concern me. Call Mirage over."

Hound turned to Mirage, who'd stayed quite a bit away from the door, so that Hound could explain what was happening.

The couple entered, Illusion still crying and screaming. Rung gave them a sympathetic look. He offered his arms, Mirage passing Illusion to the doctor.

He was able to get the toddler's attention with a small toy, who quieted her screams to a whimper.

Mirage and Hound sighed in relief.

"Illy, can you tell me what happened? English or Cybex is fine." Rung said in a gentle voice. "What upset you so much?"

Illusion rubbed her face, lowered her gaze to the toy in her hands, and whispered. "Bad... bad doctor..."

"Who was the bad doctor?" he asked, already making some connections in his head.

"H-human..." she said.

Rung nodded, smiled at her, and looked at her creators. "Were either of you with her during her last appointment?"

"We were both on a mission. When we can't go, some of the younger humans accompany her, sometimes Hot Rod." Mirage said. "I thought Hot Rod was there with her."

Illusion shook her head.

"You were alone?"

Illusion nodded.

"What did the doctor do?" Rung asked.

The young bot hugged the toy. "T-touched... valve."

All three adults felt their sparks stop for a moment.

"I'll kill them!" Mirage stood up abruptly. "I'm killing the doctor and Ratchet for letting this happen! I'll make them both regret the day they were born!"

Hound grabbed Mirage, stopping him from storming out.

"Mirage, i understand your anger, but you're scaring Illusion." Rung said calmly.

Mirage had been struggling in Hound's hold, looked over to Rung, and saw his young child, barely not a bitlet anymore, holding onto Rung, she was shaking. He stopped struggling, after a moment, Hound let go.

"Please, stay with Illusion, she needs you right now. I'll talk with Ratchet, I've known him since his days in the Academy of Science and Technology. He wouldn't have let this happen, I'll get to the bottom of this, do not worry." Rung assured the small family, he carefully passed the calmer toddler back to Mirage. "If you'll excuse me, I'll see if Ratchet has a moment between patients. I'll find you in your habsuite."

"Thank you Rung." Hound said, before the doctor left.

"Of course, this is my job." He gave them a warm smile.

Time for a long overdue talk with Ratchet and Agent Fowler.

-

Luke Moros was arrested.

It brought little comfort to the people that had been at the end of his cruelty.

Sunstreaker still felt like Ironhide hated him. No matter how much her twin told her that was irrational, no matter how much Ironhide showers them both with affection, more than before, she still heard a small voice in her head that said that he was tired of them.

Cassandra, even after being reassured that she did the right thing telling Ratchet about Luke's behavior, she was terrified that someone just like Luke would end up working here again.

It took a long while for Illusion to not panic whenever it was time for her physical therapy again. Even longer to trust the humans again.

The human agents, in charge of hiring and firing human staff in the Ark, had to make their screening process even stricter. Make even more thorough, borderline intrusive background checks. The Autobots became more involved in the process.

They would not let their children come to harm again, if they could help it. Be it from Decepticons or humans.

[artsycloudysleepy]

forgot to add cute cat picture!!! And @ prev tags tysm!!!!

notebook: 2021-2022

sooooooooooooooo i decided to upload every notebook i fill out to tumblr! my current one (2023-present) will be uploaded in mid-late 2025 probably, so this is my notebook from 2021-2022!

however: this was kind of a diary, i have drawings from friends in there that haven't consented to having them online, and one of the people who drew in it isn't someone i still speak to. as a result, i have blotted these things out for our privacy and my general comfort. if i notice something i've missed, i'll edit!

1/2

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Eddie Munson x male reader who’s robins best friend and has his own band where he’s the lead guitarist then Eddie goes to battle of the bands with robin and Steve and sees him play while setting up for his band?

Hi! I asked a couple times who's robin's best friend, but i'm not sure if you saw those. I think you're asking that the reader is her best friend so I went with that--or like a friend she's had since childhood. Reader is 19--a year older than Robin and a year younger than Eddie.

If I misunderstood, please let me know and I'll correct it!

Eddie Munson x Male Reader. Reader is 18.

Send me request here! Currently writing for Eddie Munson.

Feel free to look through my masterlist here!

____________________

Robin told Steve and because she would need a ride Steve told Eddie. Where Steve and Eddie had a long standing weekend hang out to shoot pool or just sit on Eddie's porch chatting shit, beers between them, it was nice to have the company of each other. They didn't have to be overly articulate about when the nights would haunt them. They didn't have to fill every second of silence with words though as Eddie hung out more with Steve he could clearly see her influence rubbing off. Steve would he was tipsy enough wouldn't have enough restraint to let a silence ride and would find himself needing to fill it.

Eddie sometimes wonder how much this is an influence of Robin and more a byproduct of the surefire silence that's filled Steve's life for so long. His mother is quiet, meekly following his father. And his father is the kind of cocky aloof bastard that Steve deals with because it keeps him fed, clothed, and feeling like he at least seems normal. Eddie ponders sometimes if Steve and Robin are as close as they are outside of the short lived crush--Eddie found out when Robin hung with them only a couple of beers deep but she hiccuped out the story giggles filling the night around them--is because Robin is the noise that Steve desperately needs in his life. She fills the space out of her own nervous tick but Steve clings to it because she's the one person who he doesn't have to beg and pretend around.

Eddie filters in around them--not necessarily a quiet third. Eddie too knows how to work a room and fill a silence. But Robin can sometimes out do him and even Eddie feels the need just to keep quiet. He keeps up most of the time. And so when Steve mentions, leaning against the Beamer that instead of going to shoot pool, Robin's mentioned a friend who's in Battle of the Bands and he's going to get her but he stopped by first to pick up Eddie, Eddie's a little shocked that he was clued in before the day of the event.

But Eddie's not going to say no. He'd be a fool. Who doesn't want to see bands shred? He hadn't quite gotten back into the full swing of performing. His voice is still recovering and the meds he was on gave his hand a slight shake. It's getting better. The physical therapy is helping but Eddie knows he has to be patient with himself. So even if it hurts just a little to wish he could've been performing he thinks there's no better way to spend a Saturday.

When they pull into the front of Robin's house, Eddie and Steve both slip of the front doors of the car and Robin's bounding down the porch stairs. "Finally! Got worried y'all forgot about me. Wouldn't that be hilarious?" She gives Steve a quick hug and then flounces over to the passenger side to give Eddie a quick squeeze.

"Harrington didn't tell me until today. So I can't say I would've kept him in line," Eddie teases, opening the passenger door for Robin. Even if Eddie did have his own eccentricities he'd always be a gentleman.

"Oh, I don't mind sitting in the back," Robin returns.

"Only the best for a queen," Eddie laughs and waves for her to settle in.

"Ew," Robin snorts.

"Oh, shut up, Buckley." Eddie closes the door once she's in and settled. The window is already down from his own doing and he leans in through it. "At least now you can't say I never did anything nice for you."

"Perhaps, I shouldn't have told Steve about this." She says it with a grin as she flips Eddie off.

He returns it, opening the back door for himself. "How'd you know about this anyway? Do paying attention to the local music scene now?"

"My friend's in a band. Like we talk every once and a while, but we close in those snotty nose skinned knee years. He's cool. I think you'll like them."

Eddie catches the emphasis Robin puts on cool. As if she's trying to convince him. He watches as best he can to see if she gives anything else away. Like why did she tell Steve and why didn't Steve tell him? Eddie and Robin in addition to be chatter boxes and hyper, shared a bond on how a sleepy and silently but loudly conservate town like Hawkins did not make it easy realize being gay wasn't awful and wasn't shameful.

Eddie turns his attention from her to Steve who's looking back just a hair as he backs out of the driveway. Steve's a lightbulb--his face tells everything he's every thought. And Eddie sees in that moment just how hard Steve's trying to play it cool. He'd do it well if it hadn't been the months that the two of them had gotten closer.

"What do you two have planned, hm? Harrington, here, looks like he's literally going to explode."

"Yeah, I am going to explode if you don't move your big ass head and hair out of the way so I can see," Steve retorts.

"Rich coming from you. How many bottles of Farah do you have under your sink right now?"

"Two, you asshole," Steve huffs, facing forward again to continue on the road. "One that I am using!"

Eddie's gives a noncommittal noise, though it dips into disbelief. "Buckley, what the fuck do you have up your sleeve?"

"Nothing," she defends. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you before! It's just--I thought it would be fun. We deserve a little fun, right?"

Eddie's not going to disagree with that, but he's still suspicious. There's not much he'd be able to get out of her. She's squirmy--nervous and always a hair from spilling all her guts. But when Robin needed to play it coy she was good at it. Eddie says nothing as they pull up to the high school. The sight of the building makes Eddie feel a little queasy but he keeps it together. It's clear they're early on. The Emcee is still warming up the crowd and the bands aren't quite done setting up, but the crowd that is here seems excited as the names are rattled off.

"That's my friend," Robin points over Eddie's shoulder to the four piece band on the backstage. "He's the lead singer. The one in the cropped top."

Eddie's still trying to get his ears adjusted to the noise as it rises, but he follows her point and the singer stands, guitar hanging low, but the cropped t-shirt leaves nothing to the imagination. Eddie wants to say something. But the inhale strangles him just a moment as he takes in the sight of the bandana tied around the man's head. His shoulder length black hair falls down in waves. He's hot. Undeniably and almost grovel worthy hot.

Eddie knows he's staring, feet pulling him just a little closer to their section of the gym. The black belt holds multiple silver grommets and it's not straight on his hips, but Eddie is smitten. He's a fucking goner.

Like the man can sense Eddie's presence, he looks up. His gaze is unsteady, flickering through the crowd and then settles on Eddie. He gives a tiny smile to Eddie and then from behind Eddie, Robin's voice echoes above the nose.

The smile grows and he gives a small wave, foot working over his pedal. "What do you think?" Robin adds lowly pressed into Eddie's back.

"Buckley, if I get his number I will do your laundry for a lifetime and kiss the ground you walk on," Eddie returns.

"Oh, we've go backstage passes," she laughs. "Just wait until they play. They shred."

"Woman, you are a devil, but thank you," Eddie laughs, looking over his shoulder to her. "You playing matchmaker now?"

"I'm cupid's messenger. Part time only though, so sometimes the hours suck."

As the battle starts, a blaring riff followed by a gruff but melodic voice Eddie knows he's utterly fucked. But he's so glad for it.

[copperbadge]

So, I got a bunch of responses on my posts last week about the ADHD/Anxiety diagnosis and I appreciated all the support and advice. As an update, I’m waiting on the official writeup, which I hope to have by end of May, and at the start of June I have an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and medication management. In the meantime I’m googling occasionally but otherwise just kind of sitting with the information and figuring out what I think.

In any case, one of the strongest responses I got, especially in private, was thanks for being so visible not just with the diagnosis but with my thoughts and feelings about it. Which doesn’t seem like a particularly hard thing for me to do; I know reactions vary, but I enjoy public dialogue about this kind of thing. So while I can’t reply to all of even most of the comments, and some I chose not to reply to because they were seemingly quite personal, I thought I would post up a few that seemed relevant. 

If you have stuff to say feel free to comment or reblog; if you send an ask bear in mind that A) anon asks might not get replies and B) non-anon asks may get only private ones, since I’m trying to control the dialogue a little, to keep it a safe space for people to engage. 

Also the tag for all this stuff is “Sam has ADHD” if you need to block it. I have 25,000 readers, I promise I will not notice nor will I be hurt if you have the tag blacklisted. :D

sumeriasmith

Anxiety and ADHD are conditions frequently comorbid, so it's not surprising to me that a test for the one evaluates the other. That said, if it's not too rude to mention, the _degree_ to which a surprise diagnosis for anxiety feels like a personal failure and causes you such an intense reaction is... probably due to the anxiety?

Oh, possibly. Though I begin to wonder if I’m working off a different definition of anxiety than I ought to be, like -- maybe I haven’t quite internalized the idea of anxiety in the way people are meant to. This does sometimes happen, where I think a word means one thing because it has in my personal experience, and actually it’s quite different. I mean, yes I do think I failed the Secret Being Normal Test, but I don’t see that as a flaw? It feels like a lot of people see a failure at something as evidence of being a bad person, and I just see it as a failure, with “fail” being pretty value-neutral. I don’t seem to couple failing-at-doing-something with being-a-failure in the way a lot of people seem to. 

At one point in the test I told the woman “I’m doing so badly at this it’s almost impressive” just to make a joke, and she was like “But you’re trying your hardest, right?” and I said “Well...yeah, of course” fairly baffled, and only realized later she was possibly trying to comfort me, not checking to make sure I wasn’t sabotaging the test on purpose. I don’t mind failure particularly, especially when it’s so incredibly low-stakes, this specific failure just blindsided me because unlike usually, I wasn’t aware it was happening as it happened. 

perminas

while best practice is usually to be in consistent talking therapy while taking adhd meds, you can absolutely get an assessment and find a psychiatrist - fairly easily on zocdoc! - who will not withhold medication if you don't continue therapy. i have one! she's in chicago and does telemed, even for adhd meds, if you want a recommendation!

Oh, thanks! I found a dude in the loop (near my home) who fits the bill, and the clinic seems pretty legit, but if he sets off alarm bells I may hit you back :D 

Man there is a lot of bullshit wank that pulls up on Google when you search for anything related to mental health or learning disabilities. Also there are some scaaaaaaams out there and they’re hitting up top on the algorithm, don’t love that. 

katestamps

Sending huge virtual hugs. No idea what insurance will pay for but there is also music, art and even theater therapy as opposed to just talk therapy and that may feel less awkward than traditional talk therapy if you want to go the therapy route. Also you may have more options with virtual appointments as opposed to them in your immediate area.

For a second I was like “Oh shit I could just go do theatre as therapy?” and then I realized it was probably like...theatre involving therapeutic themes, not just “working stagehand for a local production of Hairspray”. :D Which honestly sounds kind of exhausting anyway, before you introduce working through your issues, but it does explain a bit about my entire college career. 

Man. I had some art therapy in my teens in California in the 90s and that...was a whole ass real trip I had forgotten about. You couldn’t pay me to be a teenager again.  

flippedroundagain

You don't owe it to tumblr to be "well adjusted" about your own shit. It's A Lot to process! I hope the diagnosis ends up helping and that you find good care.

Well, no, but I do owe it to tumblr that, if I’m going to be public about it and tag the post with the various issues, I need to not be offensive or so fucked up I’m hurting other people. Like, not that I think this, but I’ve seen people say “I can’t have a learning disability, I’m normal” like everyone who has one is somehow a freak. If I’m going to express something like that, because nobody can be super healthy about this shit all the time, I need to find an appropriate place to put that, which isn’t “right in front of other people with the problem I’m bitching about.” 

It’s okay to be both hurting and conscious of not hurting others. It’s just a matter of making sure that either I say stuff that isn’t hurtful, or I warn that I might be inadvertently hurtful as I work through shit. 

[antiochean]

hey! another rika and vanderwood enjoyer :-D! i love the semi-realistic way you draw MM characters (which is to say is an art style that is rarely ever seen in this fandom, unfortunately)! may i ask what are your thoughts on the other MM characters and/or their respective routes--or, instead, if that's alright w/ you, could you share more of your CMC Jake Park? so far, i'm interested in Bleeding Paint and I can't wait to see more of it :-)!

Anon I am kicking my legs around in my bed hugging my pillow like a schoolgirl bc this is the first ask I've gotten in this sideblog and it is literally so sweet and I'm so excited to have gotten it

Because of that you will have to endure me discussing every single topic you brought up in great detail

1. So glad to hear from another Rika and Vanderwood enjoyer. I get pretty self-conscious about liking Rika because of all the negativity, but the truth is that she's a major comfort character for me. When I realized what she meant with all of her talk about darkness after therapy one night I cried for hours LMAO it was a major milestone in my mental health journey.

And that event is actually what made me start writing bleeding paint, AND this is the part where I tell you that if you like Rika and Vanderwood, the good news is that they're the two love interests in the fic. But the bad news is that Rika and Jake's relationship is Extremely toxic. Radioactive. But the good news again is that with Vanderwood, it's the opposite.

2. Thank you for complimenting my art style :)) If my different background means I'm bringing something new to the table, then I'm ecstatic to provide.

3. My opinions on the other characters are!! Difficult to word, because until a couple months ago I hadn't played since Ray's route came out, and this year I've only replayed another story and Seven's route. I'll try my best to give you a summary, though.

Zen and Yoosung: my B plot KINGS. Where would I be without you. Adorable brotherly dynamic. A much needed wholesome break from all the angst. I would die for you.

Jaehee: her role as the Straight Man is executed extraordinarily, in my opinion, because of how often she's just tired. It's so realistic and it makes you feel for her so much. But when she's something else instead of tired, she absolutely slays, it really sticks out. AND I would like to say I think the way her voice changes when she starts fangirling about musicals is ADORABLE. I've been in love with this woman since I was 17.

Jumin: I HAVE THE MOST CONFLICTING FEELINGS ABT HIM OUT OF ANYONE ELSE. Okay stay with me for this one but I'm a hardcore anarco-communist. Which means there are multiple points in the game where, if he were in front of me, I would grab him by the neck and shake him like in that Simpsons bit. Shut up about the free market shut up about the free market. He's so privileged and his lack of empathy means he only alienates himself further and further. So on one side I feel extreme frustration and anger towards him. Then on the other, the emotional maturity of this character is unparalleled. He is, like, completely actualized. On top of Maslow's entire shit. While in Another Story, some of his dialogue has been having me awestruck. I think that IRL, Jumin and I would have the kind of dynamic where we would be able to talk until 3 AM and not realize it. So yeah man I don't know. He's on both sides of the love and hate spectrum for me at the same time.

707: what can I tell you about my bestest boy in the whole world? I would not change a thing about him. He can have my entire house and life and hand in marriage.

V: in my opinion. Okay look. God. I don't have any strong *feelings* about V. But I have very strong opinions.

If you asked me to list any other characters who display the level of emotional complexity his guy has going on, I'd have very few examples.

But the execution of the concept falls short for me.

How many days does the game have in total? Think about it: He's the MOST STUBBORN FRUSTRATING MAN TO DEAL WITH IN THE WHOLE WORLD for ALL but 3 of them, the 3 days at the end of his route. He's a goddamn broken record. Furthermore, his route is so focused on the backstory MC wasn't there for, that it forgets to tell you why you two should feel a bond at all.

It's hard for me to suspend my disbelief and look past all that to enjoy the potential he had.

Saeran: SE Saeran is one of my faves :)) he's not my type in his route, but his portrayal of mental illness matters a lot to me. I have talked to my therapist about Saeran.

4: IT'S JAKE TIME - GET ABSOLUTELY SILLY

Where can I start with Jake William Park. Well first off, he's a bitch. Second off, he had his bisexual awakening in a sasunaru forum post at age 12. Third off. See that picture? He has a septum gauge and, while shitfaced one night, put a silly straw in it. He then couldn't get it out, had a panic attack, and ended up in the hospital.

He was born in Canada. When he was 8, his parents got divorced and his dad moved back to Korea while he stayed. Now he's in Korea as an exchange student for his senior undergrad year.

He's a literature major. He's Extremely pretentious about art. He has a cat named Rodya (nicknamed Rascalnikov). He dabbles in writing horror, but is mainly aiming at becoming a professor.

His superiority complex is his most annoying flaw. He thinks he's so smart and his taste is the only correct one and he's a different grade of human being from most people. He can be mean about it (he bullies Yoosung).

The meanness ties into another flaw of his, which is that he thinks showing emotion is a weakness.

His first version was much goofier and careless and dressed a little bit differently. In Another Story, he becomes what I've come to refer to as Traumajake. The kidnapping and cult stuff really gets to him, he's almost killed or cleansed. And he decides that, if Rika wants a boytoy, then he will be the perfect boytoy until he can get out alive. He pretends to develop Stockholm syndrome - but he's not every worried about it, because he's FAR too smart to develop it for real. Right? Hilarity ensues.

By the time he's rescued, half of him doesn't even want to be. For the rest of the fic, he struggles to find a balance between emotion and reason.

There's a lot I'm leaving out, but this is already far too long and I doubt anyone will read it LMAO

5. I appreciate you mentioning Bleeding Paint a lot!! I have no evidence anyone ever read it and sometimes it makes me embarassed to keep posting sjdaskdjkjds but if just one person has given it their time of day, that's good enough for me :))

Tysm for the ask.

[simpfortheseven]

Hey I hope you're doing well please take care of your health and also feel free to not do this request if it feels like too much but if you don't mind can you please do a hc for the om brothers when mc is sleep deprived and needs the bros to cuddle her to fall asleep? Thank you so much!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Obey Me: MC who is sleep deprived, so the bros cuddling them to get them to sleep/MC asks for a nap and cuddles

Yall know what time it is. Its time for me to finally answer at least one of my Asks that have been sitting here for a long long time. Im sorry for thw wait^^ I finally got into therapy, So im feeling a lot better💖 Im also sorry this took so long, my school recently went online due to ✨rona✨ so I forgot to answer this. Anyways! I wrote about a gender neutral MC for this and there are no triggers except lots of cuddling and soft touches.

Did this for the lovely @luminouslydark ^^

Lucifer

After getting done with his work at around 1am (early for him but ya know), He went by your room to make sure you didnt go to the attic check on you

He found you tossing and turning, which surprised him a little. Hadnt he sent you to bed a few hours ago?

You heard him open the door, and looked at him softly. "MC, youre supposed to be asleep."

"I cant sleep," You said softly. "I.. Can you hug me? Just until I can fall asleep?"

The dark haired demon was surprised. You were asking him for cuddles? He wasnt normally asked for that.

He didnt complain, however. He went over to you, wrapping his arms around you. His hands found their place around your waist, gently holding you against his chest. You could hear his heart beating, soft and rhythmic. His warm embrace and the soft beating of his heart eventually lulled you to sleep.

Mammon

This man, oh boy.

We all know he bursts into your room whenever he wants. Well one night, he decides its a great idea to run into your room at 1am to talk about how great it would be to make money off of 'those dumb videos humans are always watchin'!'

When he runs in, it scares the hell out of you (hA get it). You jump up, which makes Mammon jump to.

"Hey, Human! Youre supposta be asleep!"

"Thats hard to do when crazy people like you always run in!"

"Jeez, ok ok. im sorry,"

"It will take more than an apology to make it up to me." You open your arms, looking up at him tiredly.

Lets just say that he went r e d. This man, hes just a blushing awkward mess. "Uh- Well, I mean, of course you wanna cuddle with The Great Mammon!"

He sat next to you wrapping his arms around you all flustered. His heart was rapid, which made you smile. You let your eyes close. The avatar of greed however stayed awake, not caring how tired he was. He wanst going to miss a moment of holding you.

Levi

The purple haired Avatar of Envy tended to play video games late into the night. Of course, he found a new game on Shteam (i dont know what its called there), which means he had to download it on his phone and to run to your room to tell you about it (You got the yucky otaku to leave his room, Congrats!)

He burst in the door, "MC!! WAKE UP!!" You were already awake, so you sat up. Hw was a little surprised you were awake. "GUESS WHAT??"

"What is it, Levi?" You asked curiously.

"A NEW GAME CAME OUT, ITS GOT -bla bla game stuff-!!!"

"Oh that's awesome, Levi!" You smiled at him sleepily.

"Right!" He smiled happily. "I want to play it with you, can i?"

"Hm.. I'm really tired, Levi. But you can cuddle me and play at the same time if you want?" You knew you wouldn't be able to get him to cuddle if you said it was because you couldn't sleep.

He awkwardly sat on your bed, your head finding a place on his chest as he "played his game". In reality, he was just internally screaming.

Satan

Getting the avatar of wrath to cuddle you to sleep was easy enough. You knew he would most likely be up late reading, so as you carefully climbed over his mountains of books to reach his bed, you sat on his bed.

This shook the blonde demon enough to make him look up from his book.

"MC? What are you doing?"

"Satan, i'm super tired and can't sleep.. Could you cuddle me?" You asked quietly.

"Ah," He nodded, scooting over a little and patting the space next to him. "You need to sleep, MC. Its imporant to your health."

You laid with him, letting him wrap his arms around you. He kept reading ad you slept, his soft heartbeat helping you drift off to sleep.

Asmo

Spa day had alwags been a great way to relax for the two of you, spending time with you always helped Asmodeous relax. But maybe you started relaxing to hard.. You started to fall asleep while doing face masks.

"MC!" the strawberry blonde shook your shoulder. You bolted awake. "No wonder you looked so dreadful! You havent been sleeping, have you?"

"I havent been sleeping well, no," You said quietly.

"Then this calls for some beauty rest!" He scrubbed off the face masks before making you lay down in his huge bed. He of course laid down with you, cuddling you and playing soft binaural beats to help lull you into a deep rest.

Beel and Belphie

The oranged haired demon had (once again) snuck to the kitchen. You had wandered down there looking for him, part of your tasks with lucifer and you could always count on Beel to sneak you a piece of whatever you ate. Soon enough, you saw him eating out of the fridge.

"Beel?" You went over. He didnt turn, just handed you a slice of pizza. "Cmon, you know Lucifer will kill us both if you eat all of it."

"I know," He said, turning to face you. "Im just so hungry.."

Before you could speak, a voice chimed in from the doorframe. "You guys are to loud," Belphie was there, cow pillow in hand.

"Oh sorry," Beel said. "MC, lets go eat in my room." you nodded, Beel leading you towards his room. It was only after you were already laying down did you see Belphie had followed. You tilted your head, but Belphie just plopped down ontop of you. Beel put his arm around the two of you, eating his pizza quietly.

After you finished your slice, you could hear Belphie soft snoring.

"You should sleep. You look tired. And dont worry, I'll get Belphie up in the morning." Beel said, nodding at you. Being sandwiched between them, you didnt have much of a choice. You slowly drifted off, Belphies snoring lulling you to sleep.

-----

sorry this took so long and they kinda suck ;-;

[jspark3000]

How can I talk to my friends about my struggle with mental depression & wanting to hurt myself without having them freak out/push me away/see me differently/treat me like a leper/see me as a problem they don't want to deal with/etc? I've heard the statement "oh if they're true friends they won't do that" but like, a lot of people don't understand mental illness & it's a p scary thing to them and I get why they might react poorly. Any advice? Also, any advice for depression in general? Thank you!

Hey dear friend, thank you for these very, very important questions. Please know that I’m neither a doctor nor certified professional of mental illness, and everyone’s struggle is different. But here’s my attempt at finding our way through your questions. 

I’ve also written a book on fighting depression that addresses what you asked: https://www.amazon.com/How-Hard-It-Really-Is/dp/0692910360/

To answer your first question: 

The truth is that most people will be alarmed when they hear about your depression and suicidal ideation. There’s never an ideal reaction to a confession. Like you said, mental illness can be a scary thing, and it’s absolutely understandable why someone would pause and need a moment to take it in.

I used to expect some kind of perfect reaction when I confessed my stuff to friends, but the majority of people have never really been taught how to respond to mental illness. There isn’t some movie montage where everyone hugs and high fives each other once they know your dark secret. Even the most loving people in the world don’t react that way; your therapist who you pay money to won’t react that way. True empathy takes time, patience, and many painful conversations. And in fact, if they weren’t alarmed, I’d have to wonder if they even cared.

I recognize this is not a popular opinion and that many will disagree. I cannot speak for every situation and I’m sure I must be wrong for some of them. But as a person who’s struggled with depression for a lifetime, here’s something I’ve learned about friendship: To expect complete and instant understanding from your friend is to demand an empathy which you’re not willing to reciprocate. Can we not empathize with the reality that our friends have misconceptions about mental illness which are not their fault, but have been inherited by false cultural narratives? 

If your friend is shocked or aghast about your depression, please don’t write them off too fast. Maybe they just don’t know better. Maybe it’s too much to handle in one sitting. It might take longer than one sit-down to really absorb the whole thing, and I think we can make room to allow for adjustments.

This goes for any confession: There’s this romantic notion which permeates our culture right now that you better accept this brand new information about me immediately or you’re dead to me, but we need to have grace for people who simply don’t have the faculties and resources to see where we’re coming from. 

We have been falsely trained to believe that mental illness is a hostile alien parasite, and it will take a lot of dialogue on both sides to really meet in the middle. For a while, initially, your friends might treat you and me differently. I only hope we don’t over-interpret that as villainy or treachery. 

Of course, I’m always on the side of the suffering. I’m not some sorry apologist for friends who mistreat you or leave. To hell with them. If they do leave, good riddance. But some of your friends, unfortunately, will leave. It’s bound to happen. It’s not right that they do, and I would never endorse abandonment, but it will happen. 

I was once bitter and angry when friends left. Now I understand that it doesn’t always mean they’re bad people: it means they aren’t meant to be your friend for the long haul. It doesn’t excuse that they left, but it does explain it, and I don’t have to stew in anger. Consider the words of Andrew Solomon, who wrote Noonday Demon, the seminal work on depression, when he talks about how difficult his friendships are:

“Depression is hard on friends. You make what by the standards of the world are unreasonable demands on them, and often they don’t have the resilience or the flexibility or the knowledge or the inclination to cope. If you’re lucky some people will surprise you with their adaptability. You communicate what you can and hope. Slowly, I’ve learned to take people for who they are. Some friends can process a severe depression right up front, and some can’t. Most people don’t like one another’s unhappiness very much.”

To answer your second question, Any advice for depression in general?— 

Try everything. Medicine, therapy, hobbies, church, exercise, EDMR, that new Mario or Zelda, Magic the Gathering, D&D, the Groupon for a free salsa dance class, Parks & Rec, Futurama, Brooklyn 99, making pottery, baking pies, that cheesy book club, that self-help group, the museum, the art gallery, that weird pub around the corner, that night out with your friend who keeps begging you to go to: just go. Those of us with broken brains need new experiences, new connections, and consistent, solid routines to live, laugh, and learn. Many of these things, I’ve found, are not merely just antidotes to mental illness, but the very point of living in itself. I’ve had to surrender my depression to people outside of me who forced me to get up, put on human clothes, and go through the motions of people stuff. I hated it the whole time most of the time. But I’m glad they made me go. I’m glad they cared for me when I could not care for myself. I thank God for them.

— J.S.

[dearartdirector]

Dear AD, hi! I went abroad to study Illustration in the UK, but while staying there, I discovered that I've had hard time coping with anxiety and panic attacks. All my self-esteem is gone, and I feel as if once I'm going to graduate, I'll go crying back in my country and have no chance to get a job as an artist. I was wondering if you can have a full-time job from abroad. If not, I'll have to find a way to cope, but I don't really want to spend every penny to doctors in order to be able to work.

You seem to be backed into a terrible corner, and I can feel the waves of overwhelmed radiating off you right thru this post. There’s a lot in this question. Let’s unpack this a bit:

A—Self-Esteem: Many many people, and a hell of a lot of artists, suffer from both anxiety and panic attacks. And the ones who don’t, in my experience, have just a hard a time with the opposite end of the spectrum, depression. I don’t even like to call these issues mental illness, because it’s just mental reality. I can tell you, after 4 decades on this earth, that no human I have ever met does not deal with some type of anxiety or depression. When it’s crippling, it is definitely an illness, but everyone has some level of it. You don’t get to be a successful adult without learning a method how to cope with your own mind and emotions. So don’t let the fact that you’re struggling with this eat your self-esteem. Everyone has their baggage. If you figure it out now, then congrats! You’re early! You’ll have less baggage to deal with when you hit middle age.

B—Anxiety and Panic Attacks: There’s 3 levels of dealing with this, and you’re going to have to work through them on separate layers at once, but I find it helps to think of it in artistic terms:     Foreground: Panic Attacks. There are methods to defuse a panic attack as you feel it come on, and they are all variations of first distracting yourself from focusing on your own panic, then taking a step back and looking at what’s happening from a teeny bit of distance. Like “Ok, I’m having a panic attack. I’ve been here before. I will be ok. I can ride this out and I will be fine. Is there a safe place I can stop and chill for a few minutes?”     Midground: How your body copes with Anxiety. Your body can’t deal with an endless time of flight or fight response – because that’s what anxiety and stress is. Your body is processing stress as if it’s in a battle, fighting to survive. And while that’s an important skill in short term, it’s totally untenable long-term. So your body is loading up on as much stress/anxiety as it can possibly take, and when it hits a certain threshold amount, it’s going to ditch it in a giant panic attack, and reset the clock to zero. Now, that’s super fucking inconvenient. Wouldn’t it be better if you taught your body to work through stress when you chose? Not when it chose? There are many methods to do that, but if I were you I would focus on the ones that have a physical component (yoga, working out, martial arts, deep breathing, runs, long walks, etc.) because your body is already dealing with it physically, so it’ll be easier to channel it into some other physical thing.     Background: What’s causing the Anxiety. Now, there’s stress you can reduce, and stress you can’t. Life is really fucking stressful, and while you can certainly reduce some by shifting things in your life, change generally comes slowly over time. There might also be family problems, traumas, or situations like stressful jobs you can’t get out of right now. It might take therapy. Actually, if there is anything you can do to afford therapy (in your case colleges usually have free therapy for students, ask around) then do so. It’s like personal training for your brain and completely ignore any social stigma you think is attached to it. Some of the most successful people in the world go to therapy every week. And I do too. And I will as long as I can afford to. It can help with all of the above. In fact, I’m not a therapist, so anything I’ve said above is just hearsay, and you should listen to your therapist’s advice if you have one. Everybody: if you don’t have one, go see if you can get one.

C) Finishing School: The end of school is scary. Do yourself a favor and try to get any job you can when you’re done. If it’s an art-related job, great. If it’s not, then take it to make ends meet and make art on the side. Keep working on your portfolio and network and making great art, and eventually you will get freelance jobs and/or an art job (depending on what kind of art you are doing). You are still an artist if you need time after school to figure out what you’re doing. Most people do. Don’t stress yourself out even more by insisting your baby art career has to support you 100% as soon as you’re done.

D) International Artists: Yes, people work in art fields from everywhere in the world. Your career does not die if you leave the US/UK. The magic of the internet makes it so everyone can network through social media. Since I don’t know what country you are talking about going back to, and I don’t know what kind of art you make, I can’t make specific suggestions. But there are art jobs in every country, but more importantly, you can freelance from anywhere. As for staff jobs, again, I can’t talk specifically without knowing more about what field you’re trying to get into, but there’s many companies all over the world that use artists. And again, when you’re a freelancer, usually people only care about the languages you can understand, not where you’re physically located.

Whew, that was an epic post, but I wanted to help your seriously stressed question as much as I could. Sending your hugs through the internet. Good luck!

—Agent KillFee

[undeservedfavor]

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The Bucketlist

Mini-Series of Short Stories

SILK-Should I Let him Know[EN]:Chapter 3/FINALE

Phoebe decided to go out to the school garden and appreciated all of it before it's gone.

She sat on the swing, not caring if her dress get dirty...

"Bye School... You may not know it, but I will miss you." She whispered.

"I'll miss you too..." A voice said from behind.

Phoebe almost jumped out of the swing...

"Oh! Joshua! You scared the hell out of me..." Joshua laughed at her reaction.

"How come after all these years, you haven't still recognized me?" Josh asked.

"What?" Phoebe looked confused.

"Alright... I'll give you a clue." Joshua said as he inhaled air to make his stomach expand like he just swallowed a watermelon.

Well, it's not that effective since the man has developed six pack abs due to non-stop working out through the years...

Then, he widely opened his mouth...

"Hey!!! What are you geeks up to?! I'll tell on you!!!" His voice deep and childish at the same time as he mimic an old dialogue.

"Oh my Gosh! J-josh? Is that you? You lost weight. And... It looked good on you." Phoebe said.

"Yep. But I'm so not your middleschool bully anymore." Josh said laughing a bit.

Phoebe was about to go down the swing but Josh stopped her...

"No, don't go down, I'll give you a push..." Josh said smiling to her.

And he did.

He pushed Phoebe gently on the swing as they talk.

"Why are you alone? Don't you have a date?" Phoebe asked.

"Hey, I should be asking a beautiful woman like you the same question, but to answer your question... I went to the ball alone because she kinda, ditched me..." Phoebe laughed.

"I like seeing you laugh. It's been a while. I also wanted to say sorry..." Josh said.

"Why?" Phoebe asked.

"I blamed myself for what happened to your leg. If I wasn't such a bad kid... You wouldn't end up in that well anyway." Josh explained.

"It's not your fault... I was never mad at you." Phoebe said.

"Phoebe?" Josh called. She turned her head.

"Yes Josh-..." Phoebe was cut off.

She was shocked as he kissed her.

Phoebe kissed him back.

Neither one of them knows that someone accidentally saw them...

When their lips parted...

Josh spoke...

"I have to go Phoebe. I have to go to a job interview tomorrow. I applied for a job in advance. Don't ask sweetheart. I need it badly." Josh said smiling as Phoebe nodded.

With that, Josh left.

Phoebe decided to sneak into the building.

To the classroom that she and Zoriah shared memories together.

"And I thought school took so long to finish..." Phoebe said to herself.

"Time flies when you're having fun..." A familiar figure stood at the door.

"Zack?" She asked.

"Why did you kiss him?" He asked.

"You saw-?" She was cut off when Zack harshly pinned her to the wall and kissed her roughly.

Her crutch fell on the floor.

Phoebe used all of her strength and pushed him away...

"Why?! You liked me from the beginning right?!" Zack asked.

"What? T-this can't happen between us Zack. Zoriah loves you so much. She needs you." Phoebe's eyes began to water.

Zack's expression softened in front of the crying woman.

"You're right... I'm sorry..." Zack whispered and picked up Phoebe's crutch and gave it to her.

Then, Phoebe picked up her pace and she went to the door to get away from the man...

He chased her to the University building's entrance.

"Phoebe... W-will I see you again?" Zack asked her.

Phoebe just smiled to him, she turned her back and closed the glass doors.

Two years after...

Life happened and they have lived it how the paths has lead them...

Separate lives.

"Once again, thank you for calling Parker and Welsing Customer Service, have great day. Bye." Phoebe's closing spiel made it.

It's O'clock.

"And Log-out guys! Good job, our sales went higher this week." Their team leader announced as the floor was filled with applause.

"Looks like someone's going home early." Her teammate teased.

"She's in a hurry. Do you have a date?" Her other teammate Grace asked wriggling her thick jungle brows on her.

Phoebe just laughed a bit and shook her head at the comment.

"Caught you red-handed girl." The other teammate commented laughing.

Phoebe blushed.

"Geez, my last customer's really mad. Said he ain't dying yet so why sell him insurance... Phoebs... How many insurance deals did you close today?" The other teammate asked as they're on the lockers getting their stuff.

"Eleven." Phoebe casually answered.

"Wow, our team leader's right, you are good." One exclaimed.

"Is your boyfriend gonna fetch you?" Phoebe nodded.

"Yes, he's downstairs." She said.

"Is he still going overseas to for his dream?" Grace asked.

"Well, it's job offer as an animator. It's his first love but because of me... He's still thinking about it." Phoebe sighed.

"Why don't you go with him?" Grace said.

"Nah... It's not that easy. He was only sponsored. Me? Where will I get the money to go with him? And besides, he already let me fulfilled my dream. I have worked as a part-time science teacher, even though that I'm not getting a lot from the job while he's earning hard. He said, he's doing that for our future. That's the reason I have applied for this job, I think I'll earn a little more here." Phoebe explained.

"Future? Maybe he's planning to propose to you." Grace commented.

"I'm thankful if he does but I still won't get my hopes up. Marriage is such a big step." Phoebe said.

"Well, if you say so... See yah Phoebs! Ciao!" Grace said as they part ways.

Just then, Josh decided to take her out on a restaurant like their usual...

Later, Phoebe spoke...

"Are you going to Zoriah and Zack's wedding?" She asked Josh.

"Nope. I have to work that day..." Her boyfriend answered.

"Well, if you're not going, then I'm not going too." Said Phoebe.

"Too clingy... I'm living for it though." Josh laughed a bit.

"Uhm... Josh?" Phoebe called out.

"Yes?" He said.

"I know how you thought hard about the job offer you got and-..." Phoebe was cut off.

"I will decline it." Josh immediately said, blocking his girlfriend's words.

"I'm grateful that after all these years, you have been with me... Josh. We both know that declining it, is not really what you want. Thank you for always being there and taking care of me. You've let me do whatever I want, now it's your turn. I will never hold you off and take you away from your first love." She addressed seriously.

Her eyes shed tears as she was speaking.

"W-well, if that's how you look af it but... Phoebs... I'll be back for you. I will marry you Phoebs..." Josh said.

His eyes are getting dewy as well.

"D-don't make promises you're yet not certain that you can keep. I know you'll be happier fulfilling your dream there, even without me. Do not hesitate and go for it. I'll be okay." Phoebe said smiling to Josh...

Josh stood up and went across the table go reach his girlfriend, and hugged Phoebe...

"Thank you..." He whispered to the woman.

Years later, after Phoebe's leg operation and therapy.

She fully recovered.

Then, she went hiking with her new hope.

She's with her mom and dad as well...

When she got to the top along with the other climbers, she walked away a little from them to take in and appreciate how beautiful and peaceful it is.

She so was consumed by the beauty and her thoughts...

I wonder how and what are they doing right now?

Zoriah, Josh and...

Zack.

'Should I still let him know?'

Nah, I'll pass.

They guy's married to my bestfriend Zoriah and I'm sure that they're both very happy now.

I owe it to Josh that I'm here in this beautiful place by myself, now I know I'm not alone.

I have my family...

They're my first and last love.

It's okay to have it that way.

She looked at her parents taking pictures and selfies with the breath-taking background.

Someday, I'll live in a place like this. Serene and free...

'Freedom.'

It doesn't always mean that you need to be out there.

Like the frogs trapped in the well that doesn't need to be saved if it doesn't really want to...

It also doesn't always relate to love.

Sometimes, being able to reflect, focus on one's self and realizing own worth, away from the prying eyes, is the greatest freedom of all.

And when it comes to loving someone freely...

You don't need to always let them know that you love them, 'cause if you really do, they will feel too.

Eventually.

"You seemed pre-occupied. Mind if I join you in your thoughts?" A familiar man's voice said beside her.

She turned her head with tears in her eyes...

Her lips parted and spoke...

"Josh?" She asked smiling.

The man nodded.

"You're one and only... I'll never leave you again. I'll take care of you forever if I have to..." Josh said smiling back and she hugged him tightly.

~END