#i get covid TWO DAYS BEFORE MY DA’S BIRTHDAY

[zeddpool]

I GOT FUCKING COVID

[rekishi-aka]

Tatort Saabrücken timeline thoughts (or: DfL was actually time travel)

Okay so this is a mashup of this post with post-KdE musings, because I obviously needed to course correct for KdE.

The whole thing only started making sense when I rewatched everything again before KdE. My hypothesis starts with DfL actually taking place in 2021 (instead of 2020 when it aired).

Okay let's look at a few facts:

Leo says Adam has been gone for 15 years

They were in 11th grade in 2006 per the yearbook in "Der Herr des Waldes" (= 16/17 years old per starting school at 6 or 7 and G8, both of which would have still been true when they were in school, Saarland only switched to G7 in 2003 and they would likely have been on a G8 track already)

The doorman at the Hofer company says he's born in 1955 (just like his car) and that he will retire in a few months

It's clearly spring (Lida is sowing peas and the next episode takes place two months later when it's obviously summer)

By this logic, their lives would look like this:

1990: Adam and Leo are born [I remember grading papers at uni for my freshmen born in 1990, I thought they were so incredibly young then and now 20 year olds never knew a pre 9/11 world, gosh I feel old 😭]

If we're keeping the actors actual birthdays, a few days apart in July (post-Stichtag babies): 1989

2006:

April: Roland Schürk falls into a coma after his...accident, after meeting Lausch in the woods

July/August: Adam and Leo start 11th grade (Adam was in Lausch's Philosphy class and Lausch only started at their school after the summer)

2007: Adam vanishes. My personal guess is sometime in spring/summer when he couldn't take it anymore...but Adam also isn't stupid enough to run in winter.

+15 years is 2022. Which absolutely doesn't work from a timeline perspective, because that would mean "Das Herz der Schlange" takes place shortly after "Der Herr des Waldes" and the whole team is a) too cozy for that in the restaurant, but also b) Roland is healed up and getting a cut Achilles tendon healed up does not happen in a matter of months, c) Roland had had time to plan his ultimate revenge, and d) they're dressed for early summer throughout the episode. I guess it could be early autumn, but I don't actually think so.

Until now, I always thought the writer had simply messed up the timeline and 15 years sounded better than 13 years. The link above assumes that "Das fleißige Lieschen" takes place in 2020, which was the year it aired.

(This is a non-Covid world, simply because in 2019, when it was shot, they couldn't know. So this is where the Tatort universe diverges, since a few Tatort franchises definitely had Covid, e.g., Berlin.)

However, again, I don't think, because: The doorman says he was born 1955 and that he is going to retire shortly.

Regular retirement age for birth year 1955 was 65 years 9 months (because retirement age rises incrementally until it reaches 67 year). It's spring. 1955+65 years 9 months = 2021

Also, a friend pointed out that Konrad Hofer delivered also the files for 2020 (150 years, 75 years for each of them), but those wouldn't be available in 2020, so this must be 2021.

Which means: "Das fleißige Lieschen" and "Der Herr des Waldes" both take place in 2021 and "Das Herz der Schlange" takes place in April or May 2022 and since Adam looks pretty hale in the promo pictures. Alternately, there could be a two-year jump to 2023, but I actially doubt it.

As for "Die Kälte der Erde":

Boris is still in prison

It's set in Mexico (or at least the dog days of summer)

Adam and Esther are bickering (which is actually nice!) but Adam is also still really mad about the SEK, and attrition would likely have taken care of that. there's a limit to how bitter and grudge-y one can be for prolonged periods of time

Plus, where was Adam living for a whole year? If he'd been with Leo, that would be really shitty to move out again after that long a while, and Leo is in far too good a mood at the beginning for that to be an issue

So it seems likely that KdE actually takes place in August 2022 [or 2023 if HdS is also 2023], which would leave sufficient time for Adam to heal up and rehab his fingers and be back in the field. This, of course, means that they weren't shattered but "only" broken [unlikely considering how it had happened, but! Tatort logic, whatever], but eh. If they want to run with it, fine by me.

This still means that the 15 years Adam is supposed to have been gone are an embellishment, but let's be honest, 15 years sounds better than 14.

I wonder if we'll be stuck in 2022 for the rest of time.

So, this leaves us with the following dates:

1990: Adam and Leo are born

If we're keeping the actors actual birthdays, a few days apart in July: 1989

2006:

April: Roland Schürk falls into a coma after his...accident, after meeting Lausch in the woods

July/August: Adam and Leo start 11th grade (Adam was in Lausch's Philosphy class and Lausch only started at their school after the summer)

2007: Adam vanishes. My personal guess is sometime in spring/summer when he couldn't take it anymore...but Adam also isn't stupid enough to run in winter. (Although my friend is right, he would be stupid enough to run in winter if it got too bad.)

2021

March/April [latest time to sow peas]: "Das fleißige Lieschen", Adam returns, Roland wakes up

May/June [two months later]: "Der Herr des Waldes", Roland gets suspicious

2022:

April/May: "Das Herz der Schlange", Roland seemingly gets his revenge on Adam for not becoming the man he wanted him to be

August-ish: "Die Kälte der Erde"

[billyrussohaven]

My sweet Emilly

Billy Russo / Reader

Rated: PG (for now)

A/N: So I’m feverish and been feeling like absolute rubbish since getting my 2nd covid shot last Thursday. I can’t sleep and my brain came up with a cute Dad!Billy story. I might do a second part if you guys like it, we shall see!

Credit: @mainlysubmv​

Follow me!

“Just where do you think you’re going dressed like that exactly?” Billy asked his daughter sternly, looking up at her over his glasses. Glasses that he was still getting used to by the way. You kept telling him he looked like a hotter version of Clark Kent but it still seemed to hurt his pride. Billy Russo needing glasses, insane right? What was even more insane was just how much his sweet Emily looked all grown up these days. Her seventeen birthday last month had hit him like a train. He stared at her and let a long sigh out.

Emily reappeared, taking a few steps backwards, tugging down on her green hoodie dress and rolled her shoulder nervously the doorway of the living room. A little nervous gesture she shared with her father that always made you smile.

“It ain’t that bad Billy,” you said looking up from your crochet project on your lap to his daughter’s outfit, your step-daughter.

“It is on the short side but she’s smart and careful, isn’t that right, Millie?” You said, giving her a quick look with a wink.

She grinned back at you before turning to look at her dad.

“It’s still warm out Da…and I have a pair of leggings if it gets colder later,” she said, opening up her backpack and showing him a black pair of leggings, smiling back at him. He snorted at her innocent-like face, he knew better, she was after all his own daughter.

“Fine. No heels. Wear those ridiculously worn-out converse of yours,” he said letting it go and dismissing her with a smirk. She zipped her bag up and ran to give her dad a quick kiss on the cheek. She was out of the room as fast as she entered it.

“Back at midnight! I’ll be with Devin!” Emily said loudly already halfway to the front door.

“11PM!” Billy yelled right as the front door closed with a loud thud. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Wait, who? The fuck’s Devin? Wasn’t it that Jay-” he said with a deep frown turning to look at you.

“Jeremy,” you corrected him going back to your crocheting.

“Jeremy…last week?” He continued giving you a stern look for correcting him that made you chuckle. He rolled his eyes heavenward, taking his glasses off and rubbed his tired face with a groan. You reached to caress his soft hair and smiled. You didn’t comment, you knew he could be a bit overprotective of his Emily sometimes but dads were often that way with their daughters. It reminded you of your own dad and  the shit you did in your youth. It was a wonder he still had some hair left…

*****

Billy woke up abruptly and sat up yawning, looking at the alarm clock on his nightstand next to the still turned on lamp.

1:25AM

He had fallen asleep in bed reading while waiting for Millie to come home. He turned his sleepy face to you sleeping soundly next to him. He smiled gazing at your serene face and caressed the side of your face softly. He heard a loud thud. He frowned and turned around instantly to the door, listening intently. He quietly got out of the bed, tiptoeing to the door, silent as a cat.

“Ow!” a hushed voice said after another loud thud. Billy yanked the bedroom door open and walked face to face with his daughter. His daughter who definitely wasn’t in her pajamas, dressed exactly the same as earlier and who reeked of alcohol and cigarettes.

She looked up at her dad glaring at her with disappointment etched all over his face. Her dark brown eyes filled with tears and hurt behind her drunken state. She broke down in sobs and hid her face in her hands. Billy’s heart broke at seeing her cry like that. He was very angry and disappointed at her for coming back home so late and drunk on top of it. He sighed and walked to embrace her tightly as she cried. She held him tightly, her warm tears running down his chest. He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back.

“You know better than that, Millie. Walkin’ home drunk instead of calling me or Y/N,” he said softly yet sternly. He cradled her head in his hand and moved to look at her tear stained face. Her chest was racking with sobs and her lower lip was quivering as she looked up at him. He had a feeling she wasn’t crying only because he caught her drunk and way past her 11PM curfew.

“What happened? Talk to me princess,” he asked with a sad frown, brushing her hair back from her face. She broke down into even louder wails and he had to hold part of her weight to help her stay upright.

You put your mid-thigh satin robe on and walked to see what was going on. The light of the bedroom pooled in the darkened hallway as you opened the door wider and you gave Billy a sad smile. The poor thing was so upset and in no state to think clearly. You took a few steps and rubbed her back.

“It’s okay princess, why don’t Y/N help you get ready for bed and we can talk tomorrow,” he said, giving Emily a concerned look. She nodded as he rubbed her tears away with his thumbs. He gave her a kiss on her forehead and let you take her to her bedroom. You grabbed his hand on the way and gave it a squeeze before letting go.

You walked a wobbly and sniffly Emily to her bedroom where she flopped and sat down on the edge of her bed dropping her bag with a loud thud. You walked to her own connecting bathroom from her bedroom and grabbed a small square towel. You ran it under the cool water and wrung it. You took a bottle of tylenol knowing she was gonna need it in the morning and a tall glass of water too.

You walked back to Millie who was undressing and putting on her pajamas. You were somewhat impressed she didn’t fall on her butt taking her leggings off before stepping into her pajamas shorts.

“Here, drink this you’ll feel better,” you said softly, handing her the glass of water. She nodded and drank half of it before putting it down on her nightstand next to the two Tylenol for tomorrow morning. You rubbed the cool wet cloth on her forehead and neck and she sighed before letting another sob out.

“I’m-I’m sorry I woke you up. I didn’t mean to get home alone so late…Da looked so upset,” she said, hugging you and cried on your shoulder. You hushed her soothingly and rocked her a bit, hugging her back.

“He still loves you, Millie. He’s just disappointed you came home so late and in a very vulnerable state I might add. Now, I’m not gonna scold you, it’s not my place but something could have happened to you baby,” you said brushing her hair back.

“We much rather have you wake us up late to pick you up than having you stumble drunkenly home alone. What happened? I thought you were hanging out with Devin?” You asked, helping her get in bed. She started crying again at the name and you knew right away the poor girl was heartbroken.

“W-we went to this party together a-and it was really fun. Everything was great, we’re great friends and I love when Devin’s around, you know?” She mumbled, looking at you with her father’s dark brown eyes filled with hurt.

“B-but we drank and I-I I thought Devin liked me a lot too and we kissed but-” She didn’t have to finish her sentence, you knew. You sighed and cradled her small frame in your arms.

“She abruptly stepped back, pushing me away a-and calling me names and stuff. S-she left a-and I didn’t have money for a cab because I paid the fare to get there. She was supposed to pay the cab fare back a-and then I didn’t want to call Da and have him angry at me.” She said, wiping her wet face in her pillow. You nodded, brushing her soft hair soothingly.

“Get some good sleep now, we’ll talk more tomorrow, alright? You suggested standing up and tucked her in. She nodded with a sniffle and closed her eyes.

"Thank you Y/N…Nini,” she said softly, watching you walk away to the door. You turned and gave her a warm smile,

“Anytime Millie. Good night sweetheart,” you said before flipping the light switch off and closing her bedroom door.

You tiptoed out of her bedroom and back to your own where Billy was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for you. He looked up at you, his face conflicted and tired.

“How is she?” He asked standing up to give you a tight embrace. He really appreciated how you were with Emily, the special bond you had developed with her. It made him love you even more as he kissed your head.

“She’s young, in love and broken-hearted I’m afraid,” you said with a long sigh, resting your head on his chest. You gave him a brief summary of what she had told you. You felt a bit guilty at reporting it all back to Billy but he’d probably know sooner or later too.

“I’m gonna beat the shit out of him when I find him,” he snarled pacing in front of you. He brushed his hair back and thought about the best way to throttle the asshole.

“Devin is a girl, Billy.” You said with a small smile, wondering what his reaction was gonna be.

He stopped pacing abruptly and his eyebrows shot upwards as he looked back at you dumbstruck.

“Oh! Oh,” he said, rolling his shoulders and clearing his throat. You looked back at him with one eyebrow up wondering what was going on in his head at the moment.

“Well, I guess I won’t…punch the brat then,” he said somewhat sheepishly and a bit confused. Not that it mattered to Billy if his little Millie liked guys or girls. It’s just…

“She never really talked about it. She always showed up with  boyfriends before so I guess I just…took it for granted really,” he said with a frown sitting by the bed. After a long silence he looked up at you with a vulnerability that broke your heart to see.

“Am I a bad father for it?” He asked, his voice wavering slightly, he cleared his throat and rolled his shoulder, looking at the picture frame of her on his nightstand.

You took your robe off and stood in front of him between his legs. You cradled the side of his face and tilted it up so he’d look at you.

“No, Billy. It doesn’t make you a bad father, baby,” you brushed a strand of hair away from his eye.

“I guess you two just never really brought it up. I remember when I was seventeen myself, a young woman still in high-school, afraid of being bullied for being any kind of different,” you said with a sigh, remembering how cruel high-school was.

Billy scoffed and sneered at his own memories of it. Lonely guy from the group home with no family or friends beside small pets he’d keep in jars. He smiled warmly with a silent snort remembering how Emily had her own pet snail for a while and how much she took care of the little one.

“She might still be figuring herself out too,” you added with a shrug.

“Yeah, I’ll talk to her tomorrow anyway, maybe she’ll want to open up and chat about all of this,” he said, rubbing his tired face with his hands. You kissed him slowly before breaking the kiss and crawling back in bed in your short satin nightie. He groaned looking back at you, suddenly very awake for almost 3AM. He rolled over on the bed and pulled you flat against his body with a sly smirk. You chuckled at the attention he gave you and kissed him languidly with a moan.

“I’m still gonna scold her ass,” he mumbled over your lips, reaching over you and turning off the light.

A/N: Random Fact. My fiancé’s name is Devin. I remembered him telling me he had a girl classmate once in school named Devin. 😋

[sophielovesbooks]

Mid Year Book Freakout Tag!

I’m a bit late to this party… but I wrote this a few days ago when I wasn’t feeling 100% after getting my second Covid vaccine and took the entire day off. So I finally had the time to write this :)

Let me pull up my Goodreads real quick and have a look at the 33 books I have so far this year.

1. The Best Book of the Year So Far

Hmm, let’s see. I feel like it’s fair to give two answers to this one, because on the one hand, there is the book that qualifies as “the best” from a literary perspective (at least in my opinion) and that would be CONVERSATIONS WITH FRIENDS by Sally Rooney. Definitely had its own style and felt… infused with a deeper meaning, at least to me. It was also very compelling. Personally, I couldn’t stop reading it. And I feel like it had a lot to say about modern-day relationships (romantic, platonic… all kinds really).

Then, there is the book that I personally enjoyed this most, and that was probably THE GIRLS ARE ALL SO NICE HERE by Laurie Elisabeth Flynn. It kind of felt like your standard thriller, but also not. While it was super suspenseful and fun to read, I also genuinely cared about the characters and loved the portrayal of toxic teen girls’ friendships and generally teenage cruelty in the context of wanting to be cool/to fit in. It made me reflect on a lot of things, so to me, it’s definitely more than a thriller that you forget right after reading it. And it also definitely qualifies as dark academia, and discovering a new DA book I love is always great! <3

2. Best Sequel of the Year So Far

Wow, I am NOT big on sequels. I have only read one this year, which is just further proof that I’m not very into book series and much prefer standalones. The only sequel I have read this year was also a very good one, though: MISTER IMPOSSIBLE by Maggie Stiefvater. Much anticipated by me and thankfully, I had a great time with it. :)

3. A New Release You Haven’t Read Yet But Want To

I’m going to go with MALIBU RISING by Taylor Jenkins Read! I was gifted this book by my boyfriend’s grandma for my birthday on June 29 (so sweet!) and I think I will read it next. I am very excited for this one!

4. Most Anticipated Release for Autumn/Winter

Two books I am VERY excited for are A LESSON IN VENGEANCE by Victoria Lee and IN MY DREAMS I HOLD A KNIFE by Ashley Winstead. I’m not even really sure why. I don’t know that much about either of them yet. But they just call to me, just like The Girls Are All So Nice Here did. And that one didn’t disappoint, so hopefully these two won’t either.

5. Your Biggest Disappointment of the Year So Far

Maybe THE GUEST LIST by Lucy Foley? I mean, it wasn’t awful. But I remember that I wasn’t impressed and had been expecting more somehow. Objectively the worst book I read this year would have to be THE SHARP EDGE OF A SNOWFLAKE by Sif Sigmarsdóttir, lol. But that one doesn’t count as the biggest disappointment, because I didn’t go in expecting that much. It was just an ebook that I bought for a low price at one point.

6. Your Biggest Surprise of the Year So Far

Definitely THE GIRLS I’VE BEEN by Tess Sharpe. I did not expect a YA thriller to be as intense and emotional and fun and just plain well-written as it was! Biggest positive surprise of the year so far, I think. :) I felt similarly surprised by  A GOOD GIRL’S GUIDE TO MURDER by Holly Jackson. Another YA thriller (or mystery, I guess?) that was so much better than I had expected! 

7. New Favourite Author

I’m going to have to say THE MOTHER by Tess Stimson. I was expecting it to be a semi-fun thriller without much depth to it, just easy entertainment, I suppose. I was extremely surprised by the emotional depth I encountered. The death at the heart of this story is that of an infant, but I was expecting the book to sort of gloss over how tragic that actually is. Instead, it leaned into the grief so much, I found myself absolutely shook? The book almost moved me to tears several times. The mystery was so intense, I kept guessing and guessing. At one point quite early on, I had the solution, but the author masterfully misdirected me from that again, so that the twist at the end came as the biggest shock! Yeah, I loved this so much more than I had ever expected! Well done, Tess Stimson!

8. Your Newest Favourite Character

I haven’t absolutely fallen in love with any new characters this year, but three that stand out to me (in the order I encountered them this year) are:

1) Pippa Fitz-Amobi from A GOOD GIRL’S GUIDE TO MURDER by Holly Jackson

2) Katrina Hawkins from THE STARLESS SEA by Erin Morgenstern

3) Nora O’Malley from THE GIRLS I’VE BEEN by Tess Sharpe

9. Your Newest Fictional Crush

Umm… absolutely nothing comes to mind lmfao. Fictional crushes have become so rare for me!

10. A Book that Has Made You Cry

THE MOTHER almost made me cry, I think. Not sure if there were actual tears. CONVERSATIONS WITH FRIENDS and NORMAL PEOPLE both (almost) moved me to tears several times. But I didn’t have any break-downs over books this year. At least not yet.

EDIT: Omg, omg, omg, I forgot A LITTLE LIFE! How the f did I forget about A LITTLE LIFE?! I broke down over this book several times. It was awful. Never before has a book made me suffer so much. I mean that. I didn’t just cry, the book also made me feel physically ill several times. Very well written, yes, but not one I can recommend in good conscience. This is not one of those instances of “You’ll cry, but you’ll love crying”, at least not for me. This is something I perhaps should have not put myself through. Because the experience overall was painful, first and foremost. Stay safe, kids. This one is… a lot.

11. A Book That Has Made You Happy

This is so sad to say, but none of the books I read this year gave me that warm, glowy feeling of pure comfort and happiness you get from books sometimes? Some passages of THE STARLESS SEA came the closest, I would say.

12. The Most Beautiful Book of the Year So Far

Again, I need to mention THE STARLESS SEA with the beautiful prose and imagery! <3 Also A LITTLE LIFE maybe? Beautifully written at times. Absolutely heart- and gut-wrenching at others.

13. Some Books You Need to Read Before 2021 Ends

Hahaha… so many. But I’ll pick out a few that I will likely finish until the year is over: MALIBU RISING, AN OCEAN OF MINUTES by Thea Lim (birthday present by a close friend! <3), THESE VIOLENT DELIGHTS by Micah Nemerever (birthday present my dad gave me! <3) and THEY NEVER LEARN by Layne Fargo (bday present my godmother gave me! <3). You see, I am much more committed to reading books that were given to me rather than books I bought myself. So these have good chances of being finished in 2021. :)

14. Tag Two of Your Favourite Community Members

@books-and-cookies Have you answered these questions yet? And @augustinianseptember? Would REALLY love to read both of your answers! <3<3

[eloarei]

A little rambling: on grief; and grieving a dog, a cat, an unborn child, and pieces of me that got hurt along the way. 

2300 words under the cut. 

It’s a very gloomy day today. I don’t usually mind; I like rain. But on a bad day, or a bad week, it only seems to insulate me in my own dark thoughts. That’s what today seems to be. I’ll work on fixing it later-- getting some exercise, sunlight if the clouds clear, making some tea. Should’ve done that already, but I forgot. Ate half a banana, at least. 

As I’ve complained about a few times lately, I’ve just not been doing especially well. When and why did it all start? It’s hard to say, but this ‘unwellness’ spell seems most potent starting April 11th (my anniversary, unfortunately, which is why I can remember it), when I came down with a gruesome stomach bug. Really haven’t been feeling right since. I’m really bad about being sick; it scares me and I handle it badly. I assume that’s part of what has messed me up. 

But grief is the other part, I think. Grief, and my being scared and worried that what caused it could strike again at any minute. Look, I’m... 32 now, and I’m sure that most people by this age have experienced profound loss. I’m probably not unusual, and I’m certainly not alone, but I think all the loss I’ve experienced is just piling up on me now, like there wasn’t enough time to process the new fresh ones before newer fresher ones came on, and so now even the old tough scars are aching. 

When I was a teenager, my parents died. They were old, and it was health problems. It was not a surprise, but that didn’t make it easier to deal with in freshman year of high school. (What made it easier to deal with? Rabidly cleaning out the fridge and watching Lord of the Rings tapes the neighbors lent me. That’s all I did for three days after my mom died.) It’s been a long time-- more than half my life ago-- and I do feel like I’m ‘over it’, but sometimes it just wells up, tears from nowhere. Maybe that’s just how grief is. 

A certainly had a good decade of my 20′s. I got married at 19, and had a pretty uneventful set of years. That felt normal to me. I do think, though, that the loss of my parents haunted me in that time, quietly. It influenced everything I did; it probably still does, if only because it changed the person I have become. But other than that, things were good, I think.  My dog Roxy died two years ago, when I was 30, not long after I got back from seeing my siblings for the first time in ages. She was violently ill, and died right in front of us as we were getting ready to take her to the vet. I think I’ve written about it. In fact, the next day I wrote a depressing fanfic piece, certainly as a coping mechanism. (It made people cry, so, mission accomplished, I guess.) I think that helped a lot. A few months later, my in-laws’ dog died too, while mom-in-law was on vacation, and that was rough as well. I wrote another sad fanfic about death. I really like both of these pieces, because they mean something, and they’re very raw. Furthermore, I’ll always have them, as tokens for Roxy, Ginger, and the little pieces of me they crushed when they died. I don’t know if the exchange is worth it, but it’s what I have. 

My grief over Roxy was gentle, as time went on. It didn’t bother me. I think I’d processed it well. I’d written out my feelings. I held her body in numb arms as my husband dug her grave. It was okay. 

In early 2020, basically on my 31st birthday (and right as Covid was happening), I found I was pregnant. Long story short, those were the densest two months of my life, where everything seemed to change so quickly. My thoughts and feelings could fill so very many pages; this is not the place I’ll leave them. The point of this particular story is that it didn’t work out. The baby ‘died’ not terribly unlike Roxy had-- violently ill, in front of me, with far too much blood. I passed out three times-- the real start of this current fearful nature, because I cannot overstate how very much I felt like I was going to die. I went to the ER; it was miserable, an ordeal I could say quite a lot about. I won’t, though. I have before, and I likely will again, elsewhere. 

This... This grief... I think I still don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think I ever will. Months later, I started writing a fic to deal with my feelings, though it took 90k words and many months before I got to the part where I could really delve into my trauma. And it has helped, I’m sure. I’m really sure. And I care about this fic so much, because like the others it is raw and real and it’s something I’d never have if not for my experience. Again, it may not be a fair trade, but it’s what I have. 

I don’t grieve for the baby. It didn’t make it far enough to even have a heartbeat. It doesn’t have a name, a gender. It doesn’t have a grave. We let the hospital take care of it. But I still grieve. I’m sad. Wrecked. I grieve what it could have been. I grieve the hope that was spent and lost on it, a precious resource that will take a long time to grow back, if ever. I grieve over not only my own disappointment, but my husband’s, and my in-laws. They’ve never pressured us to have kids, but they’re in their 60′s now, with no grandchildren. I think they feel... lacking, in a way. I understand. I feel the same (though different). I wanted to give them that. I wanted to have that. 

I still....?

I can’t say. I don’t know what I want. The event complicated my already complex emotions. I’m still waiting for them to simplify. Maybe they will, or maybe they won’t. 

I was alright for a while. Stressed enough because of Covid and family’s declining health. Then in early April 2021, just a year after the miscarriage, I got badly sick. Gross, but not what most people would call a real issue. But only a year after the miscarriage, when my body betrayed me and I was at its horrid mercy, this felt like too much. Again I felt like I was going to die. A week of near delirious fever and nausea; I’d have handled it badly enough in any other circumstance. 

As expected, I got through it. A horrible week, but just a week (or so). And then my dog Tobi died, just days later. 

This is it. This is the one I... I’m speechless about. The one I... maybe haven’t processed enough. I was just back from the edge of being badly, violently ill. I didn’t have the energy to write, physically or emotionally. And that just made it worse. I love writing. It’s my outlet (surprising, I’m sure). I wanted to write. I thought I ought to write. I needed to write. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster the words. I still... can’t. 

Tobi was... my baby. Not literally, of course. I didn’t conflate him with my lost child or anything. Tobi was 14. I’d had him since I graduated high school and got an apartment. Adopting him was one of the first things my husband and I did as an established adult couple, before we were even married. He was there, at my wedding. The photographer took a cute picture of me holding him before the ceremony. He was 11 months old at the time. Still had all his brown spots before they turned tan, then later white. He was there; he was always there. He was my entire adult life. And now I’ve lost him, the pup I had longer than my marriage (though soon we will outlast him). He was the big brother to all my other pets. He practically raised all the cats, and they adored him. (Tobi was a chihuahua, so they might have thought he was just another cat.) 

He was a sweet boy, who loved his mom and dad first and foremost. When he was little, he was scared of everyone else. Eventually he warmed up to strangers and friends, and in his old age he mostly liked to nap somewhere on his own. He was silly and playful; he always chased the cats when they wanted to be chased. It was a game they all loved. 

The vet... well, we took him in when he started to cough badly. He’d had a cough for a few months, but it wasn’t constant and didn’t seem to be affecting his quality of life much. But that day it was bad, so we took him. (We can’t afford frequent vet visits, so this was clearly desperate.) The vet took him and put him on oxygen. We had to stay in the car because they weren’t open for human guests. Then she came and told us a scan had revealed cancer, marbled through his lungs. He was suffocating. In fact, he wouldn’t likely even make it home, not even the two mile drive. We had to put him down. My husband and I cried like babies. We’d never put an animal down before. Generally speaking, we don’t really ‘believe in it’, if that makes sense. But faced with this situation, we had no choice. 

I didn’t see him again. I think that’s the worst part, though it would have been equally bad to see him, I think. And it was all so sudden. He was playing and chasing the cats the day before. Begging for treats of human food. Barking at the Roomba. And then I had to pay hundreds of dollars to say goodbye to him. It felt so unfair. I cried all day. My husband and I, we just went home and laid down and wept. 

But I still haven’t written about it, not in the way that I wrote about the others. For all that I wrote here, it doesn’t begin to encompass my deeper feelings on what it means that he is gone, and how I felt to have to make that decision. I have ideas. I think I know what I would write, if I could, but writing... still mostly eludes me. I may try. I probably should. 

I take a deep breath. I know I should sum this up and take care of myself, but there’s yet a little more to say. 

I think Tobi’s death is a large part of what affects me still, but several weeks ago I had what I could only call a panic attack. In the middle of the night I awoke, my heart beating rapidly, a horrible feeling of dread like certainty that all I could possibly do was die. It took over two days for me to feel mostly normal again, and then I still felt vaguely nauseous for two weeks. Then, just a few days ago, it happened again, but this time before bed. I could feel it rising in me, this indescribable sickness. It took several days ago before I felt normal. And this is where I am now. 

Sadly, a little while after the first panic attack, my husband and I failed to save a malnourished feral kitten. It was not a surprise, but yet one more reminder of the fragility of life, and how little I can do to keep death away from those I care about. This poor thing, it was so desperate to live, but nothing we could do could save it. I could have poured all my time into trying, could have scrounged up money to take it to the vet (when I should take my own cats, who all have colds), but I know better. I know... so much of the time, there’s nothing you can do. And now I’m trying to help what might be its siblings, a few cute feral kittens nearby. My favorite seems... a little lethargic, and not very interested in eating the wet food and meat scraps I sometimes bring by. I don’t think there’s anything I can do, if it ends up being sick, if it ends up being malnourished. I can’t bring it inside when it could infect my own cats. I have to care for them first. 

But knowing that it could die... it bothers me. 

And knowing that I could die. I could die. I’m too aware of that, on top of everything else. I hate doctors, so I never go. (Also I’m poor.) This toothache? Could be a terrible abscess. My brother went to the ER for sepsis from an abscess tooth recently! That’s probably what caused the panic, to be honest. But then... why have I felt so week? Is there a problem with my blood? Am I sicker than I know? Do I have breast cancer? My grandma did, and I know I should get it checked out, but it’s just ONE MORE THING. It’s always like that. 

And that’s... how I feel right now. Covered in ‘one more thing’s on rainy days and night-work schedules. Trying to take care of myself but not always knowing what that means. Lacking the inspiration to do the things I know I enjoy, because worry and apathy holds me back from everything. 

I’m okay. Really. No day of mine is ever entirely without merit, and I have plans to do most of the things that should keep me healthy. But the day is short when my needs and long, and the day is long when I’m paralyzed by apathy. 

So. I’ll just take it a moment at a time. And when I can, I’ll try to keep writing. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #349

“we’ll meet again, when both our cars collide”

When was the last time you had a PopTart? It's been many, many months. Do you like hot chocolate? Well duh. Who made you laugh the hardest today? I haven't really laughed today. Who was the last person to promise you something, and what was it? Hmph. Would you ever jump into a fire to save your bestfriend? I know I would. Do you have a callus from writing too much? No, I only have calluses on my feet from when I used to walk for hours on end. They just never permanently went away, even with grooming. Who is someone you’ve made a bad first impression on? I dread to guess what the girl Jason dated after me was told about me. I shouldn't care at all, but I do. I have every reason to accurately be defined as "the crazy ex," and I fucking hate it. Who is your best guy friend? Girt, a friend from high school. Do you read cereal boxes while you’re eating? I did as a kid, but now I don't. I just kinda stand and eat. What’s the last thing you accidentally (or purposely) burnt? I kinda burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza the other night. Do you know anyone with a lip piercing? Me, haha. I know others, too. What did the last tattoo you saw, look like? I don't remember. Have you ever given birth? NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Do you enjoy making out? I mean if I'm in the mood to and I love you, yeah. Why exactly do you take surveys? "I genuinely like doing them and they’re great for venting and sorting out thoughts and whatnot. I can just ramble and get things off my chest." <<<< This right here covers it. As well, it's just a boredom killer. And I happen to be bored very, very often. Rockband or Gutair Hero? Both are great, why choose just one? What are you listening to right now? Halocene's cover of "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. It's beautiful. What kind of energy drinks do you drink, if any? None, because I just can't do energy drinks. They taste like pure poison to me. Have you ever been swimming in a river? No. Swimming in a river sounds pretty dangerous... Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. When you broke stuff in the house as a child, did you blame it on siblings? I'm hoping you don't mean breaking deliberately, 'cuz I wasn't that kind of kid. But anyway, I don't believe I did. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes. I was obSESSED with those games as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? Tigers, probably. They're so stealthy and, while I may be entirely wrong, seem like the top candidate of the three to attack a human, be it for food or defense. And have you SEEN the muscles on a tiger? Christ. Describe the best use that you’ve found for duct tape: Uh, taping things lmao. Do you wrap gifts or use gift bags? I use gift bags, because I can't wrap for shit. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's is really gross to me. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Just giant squid... *shudders* Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? No. I did, however, purchase something on deviantART and never got the product. It was going to be a present for Jason. In dA's defense though, I've bought like... two or three other things from there, and there were zero issues. It's really about the people you trust. If you get a call that says “Unknown”, do you answer it? Nnnnope. Do you have any bobble head figures? No. Have your parents ever left you somewhere without realizing it? I don't think so. Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Well yeah, I wouldn't have kissed her otherwise. Would you say that you have a nice smile? No; I've been self-conscious of it since I was a kid, mostly because one of my eyes looks more squinty than the other, but they both are to me. I've always said I look high when I smile lmao. Is there an ex you want to make up with? My mind immediately screams "Jason," but I know that's a horrendous idea. Our last talk ended peacefully and even with care and good wishes, and I need my fucking impenetrable head to accept that's where it needs to end. He does NOT need to re-enter my life. It would be so bad for me. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I have no memory of it, if I'm being honest. What outfit makes you feel the most attractive? None. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Really? Whoever reads these lmao. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core and how every student's school experience was not tailored towards their unique goals. Like they try to cram a shitload of identical and usually useless information into a kid's brain to make them a jack of all trades, you could say, but not enough information they need to properly pursue their career future. It causes such an unnecessary amount of frustration and stress. I have many, many complaints about the education system, but this one tops the list. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? Back in college, I would just do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Well, considering I'm bisexual... Do you remember life without the internet? No. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've gone my entire life thinking I'm ugly, if I'm being real. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 a fucking hour. :'''''') Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? There's a few people. What is your first memory of being in a hospital? Considering my mom worked at the local hospital when I was a kid, I remember being there quite, quite young, playing with my older sister in Mom's and her coworkers' room. I think Nicole was too young to really "play." Do you have any relatives with red hair? No. What is something good that has happened to you in the past week? I got my first Covid vaccine. My arm hurts like a motherfucker now, but to protect my mom, it's worth it. Please get vaccinated. How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? That's never been my business. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I would go to a local one if I could actually walk five feet without being in serious pain and sweating like a pig. Do you still keep in touch with your very first best friend? We're friends on Facebook, but that's it. What was the topic of the last conversation you had with your dad? I can't remember, but it was recent, because we all met at Ashley's house for Nicole's birthday celebration. How often did you visit your grandparents when you were growing up? Pretty much never, given they all lived no less than like, 10 hours (via car) from where we lived. My immediate family are the only people in NC. When two family members are fighting, what do you usually do? Stay out of it, but admittedly try to listen just to know what's going on. Do you like the smell of men’s cologne? Yeah. What’s your all time FAVORITE freezer food? Do you eat that a lot? I survive off of microwaveable freezer food, so this is very hard... uhhhhh... perhaps this Banquet bowl meal that's mac 'n cheese with spicy chicken. It's absolutely delicious, like you'd never guess that sucker was just popped in the microwave. I'd say I eat it a moderate amount; it's a reliable option if Mom's not cooking and I'm really hungry, because it's super filling. Do you like documentaries? Have you ever watched one and find it boring? I enjoy them, particularly when they're about animals. Were you ever a fan of macaroni & cheese? Do you like Kraft dinner? Ha, speak of mac 'n cheese. I love it, and Kraft makes it fine. Do you burn incense? Not as much as I used to. I love the smell and just general vibe, though. What would you consider an unacceptable first date? Going to a bar or something. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? In the head, anyway. Is there anything currently bothering you? Multiple things. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? No. Do you like things vampire-related? I don't really have an opinion on vampire stuff. Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I don't care. Have you ever been to a casino? No. What’s the last thing you wore a costume for besides Halloween related events? Back when I still took dance classes and we had the yearly recital. What does your father do for a living? He's a mailman. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? Haha, I re-downloaded this ollllldddd game I had before, Nyan Cat: Lost in Space (or something like that?) for my niece to play. She's hooked on it now. Are you in any discomfort right now? Yeah; as I mentioned, my arm really hurts. What do you know the most about? Of all things I know, almost certainly meerkats. Are you seeing anyone? No. Have you ever hooked back up with an ex, just for sex? Was it a mistake or no? No. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? No, because I didn't use my phone in class. Have you seen all the Shrek movies? No, which is a fucking crime. I need to see the last one. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty plenty plenty. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Yeah, myself included. If you had to live in an extreme environment — think Sahara, Antarctica, under the sea, on the Moon— where would you want to live? Why? Probably Antarctica. I'm sure it would be unpleasant, being that cold, but I feel there's more you can do about being cold than being in the scalding heat of, say, the Sahara. Living on the moon or in the deep ocean sounds super sucky. How was your day overall? It's been okay. Not as bored as usual, at least. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Like... zero. I want to say my dad, and I almost do, just... nightmares make that very, very difficult. Plus his past. What does your mom call you? Normally just "Britt." Write a sentence in another language: Oh god, my German is so rusty... uhhhh... Hallo, ich heiße Brittany, und ich bin 25 Jahre alt und wohne in North Carolina. I think I got the grammar right? Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Even if I was comfortable with my body, I would be way too paranoid to at any point have a naked picture on my phone, even if I deleted it. Like, hello blackmail, but also, nothing you delete is ever really gone permanently. What big city do you live near? Raleigh is like an hour away. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? omg YES Is there a Sonic in your area? Yes, it's my favorite fast food joint. You have GOT to try the pretzel twists with cheese dip. Have you ever gone to a thrift store? Yeah, I love 'em. Do you think Johnny Depp is attractive? I do. Are you happy with the state you live in? No, not at all. I hate this place. Bunch of homophobic, racist rednecks. How many times have you seen the opposite sex naked? It's not like I counted every time I saw my ex naked over three and half years lmao. How many times have you seen the same sex naked? A few times. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? I don't use a calendar. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! :''') I know I can't stop talking about it, but ugh I'm so excited. May 19th, c'mon already. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I used to as a kid. Not so much anymore. Are you in debt right now? For what? Oh god, I don't want to think of this. Would you ever work night crew? I really, really wouldn't want to. Humans are diurnal for a reason. Being awake in constant darkness would depress the fuck outta me, and it'd feel so lonely, with everyone I know asleep. Who was the last person that lied to you, or that you can recall lying to you? What did they lie about? How did you find out they were lying? I don't remember. Has anyone ever called you ugly, straight up, before? How did you react to this? No, not to my face. Who is the most stubborn person you know {excluding yourself}? MY MOTHER.

[paullicino]

A Year like No Other

(Taken from, and funded by, my Patreon.)

A lot of people are now calling 2020 the lost year and it’s not difficult to see why. Most of us have never had a year remotely like this last one. For some of us, the calendar began to blur, weeks and even months merging into one another in a sickly, uneasy timelessness that had us double-checking what day it was. For others, there was stress after stress, as we worried about our health, our jobs, our governments, even our countries. And the two experiences certainly weren’t mutually exclusive.

This month, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on that, acknowledging both the struggles and the successes. It’s sometimes been a difficult twelve months for me, but it certainly hasn’t been without its inspirations and its wonderful moments. I wanted to share some of those, to talk about a few ideas and to spotlight the things that helped me through 2020. I hope it helps. I figure it’s as good a time as any for us to be sharing our blessings.

And I think that first involves celebrating you. I think that’s very important. This past month, a year on from the first COVID cases being widely-reported (and also the first reports of cases where I live), I’ve read a lot by people asking questions like “What difference does it all make?” or “What is the point?” when they look back. They ask these questions when they think about things like their life changes, their mask wearing, their activism or their voting. They see an ongoing pandemic, social unrest or political inaction and wonder why they should make an effort while others are lax or apathetic. It’s natural to wonder that. I think anyone can understand the fatigue, the cynicism and the disillusionment.

But I also, get this, have a Hot Take on this that says that the choices you made were vital. When you chose to wear a mask, to socially distance, to restrict when and where you went, you actively helped fight a deadly virus. You may well have saved lives, saved someone’s health, protected livelihoods by acting as you have. When you voted, shared a cause on social media, attended a protest or talked to even one person about helping others or making the world better, you contributed to improving your society.

In fact, I have capital-O Opinions about these things so strap in and hold on, 'cause here they come.

I’ve been very fortunate to share much of my work on the internet over the years, which is a very particular medium, and sometimes that work reaches a lot of people. My experience of this is that you never know who it truly reaches, or when, or even how, and most of the time you never find out. There’s certainly an immediacy to things where you can see, pretty quickly, what the instant reaction to something is, but that’s fleeting. It doesn’t last and, within moments, there’s already something newer demanding more responses.

In time, the true consequences of things shake out. People get back to you with their more considered opinions. Sometimes months, even years after you do something, you find out from someone what they thought about it, how it affected them or even how they were changed. It can take time for a person to realise how they were changed, too, and we rarely have perspective in the moment. Sometimes it takes us years to appreciate the choices and the actions of our friends, our family members, our teachers, our communities. People have contacted me about work I’ve done long, long after I first shared it, and many of those people have come from places that I never expected, have found my work in ways that I never expected. I think, now, that consequence never travels in straight lines. That cause and effect are strangers rather than siblings.

And so I hope it’s clear that the ramble you have so kindly indulged is meant to say that we don’t always notice the good things that we have done. We ask “What difference does it all make?” or “What is the point?” because we don’t get those answers immediately, or for a long time, or sometimes ever. But not knowing when we saved someone’s health, when we changed someone’s mind, even when we inspired someone’s actions doesn’t mean that we aren’t making a difference. There is a point to our life changes, our mask wearing, our activism and our voting.

I hope you can celebrate yourself and give yourself credit for the choices you made this last year. They have mattered.

I also want to thank you so, so much for supporting my Patreon. I know many of you have been with me since day one, for more than two years now, and I’m so grateful for both your capital-P Patronage and your presence, whether that’s in our Discord community or through your comments and your correspondence. That’s made a big difference to me this past year, helping me pay rent and put food on the table during a time when so much has been uncertain. 2020 was to be my first full year back in Canada after a complicated, circuitous absence and I had half-finished projects, freelance ideas and half a dozen tabs open in my browser with writing residencies to apply for, everywhere from nearby Richmond to the Yukon Territory. I hoped this would be a year that I’d both finally see more of Canada and be able to write about it, too. A lot of things didn’t quite work out, freelance budgets were slashed, work timelines lengthened and I became ill, but as I look back now I’m thankful for a great deal.

I still managed to fulfill some ambitions. At the start of 2020 I’d been finishing up some work on Zafir, which had been an absolute delight, and I was not far off starting spring work on Magical Kitties Save the Day. The close of the year saw me resuming work on a Feng Shui expansion and each of these projects has been really good for me. All of them gave me a chance to work with skillful, progressive people and to become a better designer.

As spring continued, I decided to make a one-off video about board gaming and mental health during a pandemic, partly to offer a practical and helpful introduction to playing board games online and looking after yourself, but also because I wanted people to feel that their actions during a pandemic mattered. Among the things I referenced and linked to, I’ve continued dipping into Headspace from time to time, and this helpful list of brief work-from-home tips has been further updated. I’ve also since further investigated the terrific work of Dr. Ali Mattu, a psychologist and therapist who has produced a lot of material over the last year focusing on how to handle the pandemic.

With the summer came widespread protests across the United States, which highlighted the oppressive and fatal consequences of systemic racism and the urgent need for police reform, both issues not exclusive to the that country (for me, the events echoed the protests that began on my Tottenham street in  2011 and the violent response to 2010’s student protests). I shared a list of resources that I thought were important at the time, but there also followed a wide call for white people to make more effort to both seek out, engage with and promote motion pictures made by Black Americans, or which reflected the Black experience. It wasn’t a big ask and, as well as watching films that had been recommended many times over (such as Us, Da 5 Bloods, The Last Black Man in San Francisco and the excellent BlacKkKlansman, which was the best film I saw last year), I also tried to diversify my social media feeds more. Instagram was host to a growing discussion about how the platform seems to (deliberately or accidentally) divide people by race, something which I think may still be the case, and several nature photographers I follow promoted Tsalani Lassiter and Rae Wynn-Grant. To my delight, among many of the things they speak about and share, both are experts on bears.

I thought it was important to look more closely at Canada, too, so I made more of an effort to follow Indigenous issues and have begun reading Indigenous news sources, including First Nations Drum, Windspeaker and the Nunatsiaq News. CBC runs its own Indigenous news section, much of which is written by Indigenous reporters.A lot of freelance and writing opportunities dried up as the pandemic contracted the world’s economies, but in 2020 I was able to start writing for VICE, working with my old colleague and friend Rob Zacny, and interview the world’s most famous board game designer. VICE has written a lot of relevant, helpful and informative material about current events over the last year and I was heartened by the words of a fellow VICE writer, Gita Jackson, who concluded her essay about living in The Cool Zone of historical possibility by reminding us how “In The Cool Zone, we can also rediscover hope.”

This year I was also inspired by Faith Fundal’s widely-shared CBC podcast They and Us, which was an excellent (and still rare) example of a mainstream media exploration of gender identity and trans rights, and really pleased for my friend Brendan, who launched his podcast project Hey, Lesson! in the autumn. Of course, I can’t mention podcasts without again reminding you of my love for the spooky, supernatural Death by Monsters, which I got to host last winter. It was my dear friend Paula, one of its presenters, who recommended that I start streaming regularly, something I now do here. She was absolutely right when she talked about how positive and social an experience it can be. It’s been a real joy, as well as added some important structure and schedule to my week.

And, of course, the arrival of my first full year as a Canadian resident meant that I got to celebrate my first anniversary as a Canadian resident. I paid my taxes! Let me tell you, it was a slightly confusing and esoteric experience, but it was also one of those mundane, humdrum things that confirms and validates you. Though I didn’t get to throw a party for that anniversary, I did get to enjoy my birthday celebrations before the pandemic really hit. My partner surprised me with a trip to the not-quite-remote-but-definitely-secluded Gibsons, on the quiet British Columbia coastline, which was the best birthday gift anyone’s ever given me and a chance to see more of the rocky, forested, mountainous fringes of a place I’ve fallen so in love with. Before Vancouver closed down, I was also able to collect more than a dozen people (representing five different nationalities!) together in a brewery and then a restaurant, something that now feels like an extremely alien concept. For some of us in our friend group, it’s the last memory we have of coming together and being in the same space. That gives it a pronounced poignancy, a bittersweet quality.

Finally, I’d like to share two more things with you. The first is particularly peculiar and personal: I found my wizard. After drafting this piece last summer, then sharing it in the autumn, a few suggestions led me not straight to my goal, but ultimately down the right path. The game that I was thinking of is called The Tomb of Drewan and I very much doubt that anyone, anywhere is likely to have heard of it. It’s thirty-nine years old this year and it was distributed by a publisher in Berkshire, not so far from where I grew up. It only took me three and a half decades to see what it looks like in colour.

Tracking down this game was a softly satisfying experience. It’s exactly as I remember. Everything makes sense. Reading through the manual reminds me of how difficult it was to try and understand this thing through a monochrome monitor, though I also think it was likely way too complex for the child I was. I don’t think I ever got anywhere. I don’t think I ever could have. But I at least know that my memory has served me well. That wizard was as real as could be.

The second thing is something about my own missing year, something that has also resurfaced in my memory as we’ve plodded through 2020. In the long, dark winter months, in the unstructured days and the collapsing weeks, I’ve been transported back to the early 2000s and to a time that now feels very familiar. Here's what that was like.

I’d been writing professionally for a few years, comfortably and competently, while still living in suburban Hampshire. As publishing moved from magazines to the internet, my work began to dry up, my options narrowed and, honestly, I didn’t respond to this shift by producing my best material. I also didn’t know what to do about all this change, becoming directionless and unsure. I didn’t yet have the confidence to take some of the larger steps that I eventually did and, instead, somewhere in all that I began to move backward. I struggled to find work. I slept the strangest hours. I was frustrated, but it also didn’t matter nearly enough to me because also, I was no longer motivated.

I have memories of waking up at all kinds of times of day and night. Of not knowing where to go. Of running out of things to take photographs of, after looking at the same local sights over and over. It was like living at the bottom of a well, with a tiny, distant view of the world and no handholds for climbing out. I wasted time because I had time to waste, something I deeply regret now, and I became crabby, unhealthy and inward-looking. I was far from my best.

The last time I was in England I found myself going through old things from the early 2000s. I found many of the books I read, a great deal of writing I’d done and, in particular, a lot of my old RPG notes. A lot of old RPG notes, an absolute wealth of work that far exceeded anything I’d done outside of any work except that on Paranoia. I’ve written before about my roleplaying past and how I have fond memories of it, but I had completely forgotten exactly how much material I had collected together. I had so many biographies that I’d indexed them. I was starting to form an encyclopedia of everything I’d done, just so that I could find and reference the things I needed.

I had also read so much, which both prepared me for my degree and began to make me a better writer. I’d mostly stopped reading in my mid-teens and this was a new spurt of interest that led me toward many of the tastes and preferences I have today. I began to develop my fiction and non-fiction writing styles and I developed an interest in non-fiction that had paid me back a thousandfold.

I was building a new me.

I see now that I didn’t lose a year. I was certainly caught in a swamp of sorts, struggling to make progress, but the experiences I had during that time still mattered. They didn’t matter right away and they didn’t matter in any way that seemed at all obvious to me at the time, but they helped to shape me and to guide me, to show me both what I wanted and, certainly, what I didn’t want. If I had the chance to repeat it, I’d for sure live that missing year differently. I’d live it so much better, so much wiser and so much more fruitfully, but I can at least see it now as not the waste I long thought that it was.

And so I hope it’s clear that the ramble you have so kindly indulged is meant to say that, some time in the future, you may look back on 2020 and find your successes, your satisfaction, even your strength. I don’t mean to disregard anyone’s suffering or sadness, your feelings are valid and the pain, loss and difficulties you’ve encountered are very real. I don’t much like people who dismiss the feelings of others and I apologise if I’ve been too glib. I think a past version of myself needed to read something like this, a long time ago, and I only want to give them, you or anyone who might see this, hope for the future, a few reasons to be optimistic and, very importantly, a reminder to celebrate yourself.

Happy 2021. You made a difference. You always have.

[crafting-illusions-ffxiv]

Sonja Rysti - Balmung

*Sonja is pronounce sun-jah. His family does not follow Keeper naming mechanics.

The Basics –

Age: 28

Birthday: 6/28 (30th day of 6th umbral moon)

Race: Miqo’te, 3/4 Keeper and 1/4 Seeker

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Bisexual

Marital Status: Single

Physical Appearance –

Hair: Short and black, primarily - with red and white streaks running through it.

Eyes: a pale rosy gold

Height: 5′4″

Build: Slender. This boy is a mage and an artist, he’s not used to swinging a sword around. He’s a stick! Gods help him if he needs to lift anything heavy.

Distinguishing Marks: He has vitiligo, so his body is covered with ever growing pale stripes that almost resemble tiger stripes. Some of them seem to have been at least partial tattoo’d or bleached to even out the stripes. His palms and the bottoms of his feet are pale as well. His tail is black, but orange tipped, with orange and white stripes on it, and it’s long and extremely fluffy.

Common Accessories: He keeps a series of bells attached to his belt, or belt loop. Somehow they don’t seem to jingle, even when he’s running. A sketchbook and drawing utensils. Often a bag containing a small paint kit and canvas built into a case for protection.

Personal –

Profession: Artist - primarily a painter and sculptor, but he has also tried instruments, acting, singing, and dancing. He is also a mage of illusion and evoking magic. Amateur Alchemist.

Hobbies: It goes with the territory but - painting, sketching. 

Languages: Thavnair, old Ivalcian, Eorzean

Residence: He bounces between an apartment in the Goblet, a room in Kugane at the Thavnairian consulate, and whoever bed he’s currently occupying.

Birthplace: Thavnair

Religion: n/a

Patron Deity:  Byregot

Fears: Artist’s block, Chocobos (he will admire them from afar and that’s all thank you. he does not like the stink birds with their large beaks and scary claws)

Relationships –

Spouse: None

Children: None

Parents: His parents both reside in Thavnair. His father is a military man and diplomat.

Siblings: three younger sisters, who are all alchemists in Thavnair

Pets: a Mammet named Meddy, who helps him keep on schedule and not get distracted.

Traits –

* Bold your character’s answer.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between /  Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

Additional information –

Smoking Habit: he’s been known to smoke cigarettes when he’s in an art block, or when he’s been up for 3 days working on a piece.

Drugs: he’ll try anything once or when he’s offered but nothing regular. He won’t go seeking out drugs.

Alcohol: only the fruitiest of cocktails.

RP Hooks –

Art collector — if you’re a fan of the arts, there’s a good chance you’ve come across something by him. A painting, a sculpture, metalworking. A fan of the theater? Something he’s written or choreographed perhaps. Maybe you’re a fan, or maybe you just know of him, or maybe you want to strike up a conversation about the things he’s done and seen. He’s very happy to talk about the things he’s done and he’d love to see what you’ve created too!

Illusionary Mage -- Someone from familiar with Ivalice history might recognize the bells on his waist. Stories say that some old families with powerful magics used them for their casting. A history buff might have some questions....

Wandering Around - He’s ever looking for his new inspiration and muse. Despite his status as firmly not an adventurer or sell sword, it’s not unheard for him to wander deep into the wilds, often under prepared. Maybe you can help him get out of trouble?

Hey, wait, you there, I drew your face! - It’s going to happen. He will absolutely draw you if you look interesting and you’re sitting long enough for him to do it. It’s a big opener, isn’t it?

Tinkering - While not is expertise, he’s interested in mechanical objects and sometimes will sit and tinker with some tech for a day or two before he gets bored of it.

What am I looking for  –

Long term rp partners and fun events! Not a lot of combat, at least not until you know him, so it’s a surprise. 

Other Information  –

https://sonja-rysti.carrd.co/

Listen I know he has a lot going on - he’s just an artsy da Vinci-Sherlock type okay. A little air-headed, sometimes common sense isn’t here, there’s good reason he doesn’t leave the cities much.

I’m in Alaska so I’m an hour behind pacific time! Right now, due to COVID-19, I’m not working, but when i finally get back to work I do work a full time job that has varying shifts. 

I myself have Lupus, and my partner is disabled. There is a high chance that I might have to do a quick brb in rp if it’s in game so that I can take care of them or myself!

[nocompromise-noregrets]

Writers’ Month 2020 masterpost

1. “tattoo artist/florist AU”: On Arda Street, chapter 1: The Tattoo Artist and the Florist. Bard/Thranduil plus Sigrid, Bain, Tilda and Legolas. There’s a tattoo studio, and a florist’s shop, one on one side of the street and the other a few doors down on the other side, and the curious thing is that the tattoo artist has no tattoos at all - or at least, no visible ones - and the florist has more than a casual observer would be able to count at a glance.

2. “quarantine”: Quarantine with Hal and Jack, chapter 1. Hal Peacock/Jack Outlaw | Jack McQueen, plus Natalie Peacock (OCs from my forever-unfinished novel Two of a Kind). Jack is not coping as well with the covid-19 lockdown as Hal had thought he might. Luckily, Hal has an idea for something to take his mind off it. (not that, get your mind out of the gutter :D )

3. “magic”: Something Magical. Bard/Thranduil. Thranduil thinks about magic, and glamour, and illusion, and wonders if now he is under a different kind of enchantment.

4. “long distance relationship”: So Much To Say. Bard/Thranduil. Bard did not quite manage to tell Thranduil exactly how he felt before the Elves left Dale to return home.

5. “soulmates”: Who Else?. Elladan/Elrohir. The twins are not looking forward to the day of their majority, when they will find out how long they have until they each meet their respective soulmates. However, it appears the Valar already have something in mind for them.

6. “ocean”: Anchor Me To My Promises. Legolas/Imrahil. Legolas stands at the top of the tallest tower of Dol Amroth and looks out over the Sea to the West; sometimes the Sea-longing is almost more than he can bear, but Imrahil is there to ease it and to anchor him to Middle-Earth, for now at least.

7. “hurt/comfort”: All The Time That There Is. Melkor/Mairon. After the Ring is destroyed, Sauron falls.

8. “eight”: Not Right At All. Pippin. It isn’t right, Pippin thinks incoherently as they stumble away from the gates of Moria, blinking in the daylight, blinking back tears. It isn’t right, they were the Nine Walkers, and now Gandalf is gone and there are only eight of them.

9. “illness”: Susceptible. Elladan, Elrohir, Aragorn, Legolas, Elrond, Erestor. The twins and Estel have caught something distinctly resembling the flu while out hunting Orc with the Dúnedain. Elladan is not happy about it, Elrohir is asleep, Elrond is trying to care for them, Legolas is worried about Estel - and Erestor takes charge.

10. “bunnies”: An Alliance With The Land. Tilda, Tauriel.  On their way to the Woodland Realm to visit the Elvenking, Tilda decides she doesn't want to eat rabbits any more, and Tauriel tells her about the Elves' alliance with the forest.

11. “light”: The Light In The Bottle. Sam, Galadriel, Celeborn. At Aragorn and Arwen's wedding, Sam scrunches up his courage to thank Galadriel for the Light of Eärendil which saved Frodo's life (and, he might reluctantly admit, his own).

12. “meet-cute”: A Man Of Splendour. Legolas/Imrahil, Gimli. Gimli likes to tease Legolas about how starry-eyed he got when they first met Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth. Legolas likes to deny everything, but he knows Gimli is right.

13. “music”: Quarantine with Hal and Jack, chapter 2. Hal Peacock/Jack McQueen | Jack Outlaw. Hal’s and Jack’s bands do a livestream gig...with a surprise at the end for the fans.

14. “metamorphosis”: How To Build A Boy. Hal Peacock/Jack McQueen | Jack Outlaw. Hal thinks about how much Jack has changed over the long years he's known him. Which is...a Lot.

15. “coffee-shop AU”: On Arda Street, chapter 2: The Last Homely Coffee House. Elrond, Celebrían and the kids, half of the population of Imladris, Thorin's Company, various hobbits and a few refugees from the Silmarillion. A little further down the street from the tattoo studio and the florist’s shop is a coffee house. The sign over the door says ‘The Last Homely Coffee House’ and everyone is welcome.

16. “history”: Tales of Glory. Pippin, Merry, Éowyn, Legolas, Glorfindel. At Aragorn and Arwen's wedding, Legolas introduces Éowyn, Merry and Pippin to Glorfindel, who is very keen to thank Merry and Éowyn for proving him right.

17. “cooking”: Birthday Cake. Hal Peacock/Jack McQueen | Jack Outlaw, Natalie Peacock. Natalie wants to bake her dad a birthday cake. Jack, slightly bewildered by the whole concept, helps out.

18. “myths”: Stories of the Past. Frodo. Frodo thinks about stories a lot, in the months after his return to Bag End.

19. “deaging”: A Little Less Than Safe. Bard/Thranduil, Sigrid, Tilda, Sauron. Thranduil takes Bard, Sigrid and Tilda for a picnic in the forest. The sorcerer of Dol Guldur sees an opportunity to have a little fun and teach the Elvenking a lesson.

20. “loss”: To Those We Have Lost. Legolas/Imrahil, Bard/Thranduil (past). After Imrahil's funeral, Legolas arrives back in Ithilien to find that he has a visitor, the one person in all of Middle-Earth who knows exactly what he is feeling: his father.

21. “family”: Room For One More. Legolas, Tilda, background Bard/Thranduil. Legolas finds himself travelling near Dale, ten years or so after the Battle of the Five Armies, and decides to see for himself how the city has changed since he was last there, which brings him news and a gift that he had not expected.

22. “pet store AU”: On Arda Street chapter 3: The Animal Café. Beorn, Sigrid, Tilda, Legolas, Théoden, Théodred, Éowyn, Éomer, Elladan, Elrohir, Arwen, Aragorn. One of the other shops on the street isn’t a shop at all; it’s an animal café and sanctuary for all sorts of animals.

23. “poison”: Complicated. Tilda, Tauriel, Sigrid, Bard/Thranduil. Tilda wants to know why the Elvenking was mean to Tauriel, when her Da seems to think he's nice, and Tauriel tries to explain.

24. “true love’s kiss”: True Love’s Kiss. Hal Peacock/Jack McQueen | Jack Outlaw, Natalie Peacock. Natalie is trying to explain Sleeping Beauty to Jack. Jack doesn't get it, and Hal steps in to try and help (and possibly demonstrate).

25. “drop”: Nobody Tosses A Dwarf. Legolas, Gimli. While exploring the Glittering Caves, Legolas and Gimli come across a place where the path has fallen away. Legolas can make the jump, but Gimli...can't quite.

26. “summer vacation”: Reunions. Legolas/Imrahil, Bard/Thranduil (past). In the fifth summer of Legolas' new colony in Ithilien, his father comes to visit him, and they talk about some of the things they now have in common.

27. “dream”: A Dream In The Green. Gawain (Cursed 2020). Tortured, gravely injured, barely alive, Gawain dreams. And the earth takes him back to herself, to heal.

28. “fantasy”: You Know There’s Another Three Movies, Right? Hal Peacock/Jack McQueen | Jack Outlaw. Hal and Jack watch the Lord of the Rings movies. Jack actually enjoys them, which is rather more than Hal had expected.

29. “high school AU”: On Arda Street, chapter 4: The Kids Are All Right. Legolas, Sigrid, Bain, Tilda, Bard/Thranduil. The children of the tattoo artist and the florist think it’s high time their dads admitted they like each other. Little do they know, their dads are some way ahead of them.

30. “joy”: Empty-Handed. Bard/Thranduil, Thranduil’s Wife (Auriel), Bard’s Wife (Maudie), Legolas, Sigrid, Tilda. Thranduil almost does not sail West at all, certain that Valinor will hold nothing for him, and when he does get there he begins to lose his already tenuous grip on life. But his wife and his son have a plan to restore his happiness to him.

31. “there was only one bed!”: The Fellowship Reunited. The Fellowship and friends. Everyone is very, very tired after the end of the War of the Ring, and when the Fellowship visit Frodo during his recovery, nobody can quite stay awake. Unfortunately there is only one bed...zzzzzz...

All works posted to my Writers’ Month 2020 series on AO3!

Huge thanks to the mods of @writersmonth for organising this event and to everyone who has read, kudos’d, commented and supplied ideas! I have had a hectic, tiring and incredibly enjoyable month, and have written and posted 41,307 words (phew!). Now I’m going to have a little rest...and then start working on the extra chapters some of these stories deserve! (and posting the story to which several of these serve as side-fics and epilogues...)

[allthebrazilianpolitics]

For Brazil’s Poor, the Pandemic Is Far From Over

As coronavirus cases there exceed 1 million, the country’s poorest are struggling to access medical care.

When Luiz Paulo Santos’s persistent cough grew deep and dry, his children begged him to see a doctor. As the novel coronavirus ravaged Rio de Janeiro’s Complexo do Alemão area in April, the 57-year-old Uber driver was still taking passengers across the sprawling patchwork of favelas in Rio’s poor northern zone. Some were heading to the hospital themselves, sickened by symptoms of COVID-19.

The 16 critical care beds in the urgent care clinic serving Complexo do Alemão’s 70,000 residents were all full when Santos sought help in late April. Desperate, his family took him to another facility in Manguinhos, a nearby favela with a violent reputation. There, his lungs failing, Santos waited in the reception area for two days before giving up and returning to his house in the Morro da Baiana favela.

“He couldn’t breathe, he was getting worse there, and he was scared,” his son Rogério Ferreira Santos recalled, noting his father was suspected to have COVID-19 and had a history of pneumonia. “And they weren’t doing anything to help him. So he left.”

Santos’s condition quickly deteriorated at home. His children once again rushed him to the nearby emergency room just hours later as his breathing weakened. With no available critical care beds or ventilators at the time, the doctors hooked him up to a nebulizer in a bid to ease his labored breathing. There, Santos joined hundreds of others waiting for an intensive care unit bed across Rio de Janeiro state.

Rogério got the news that his father had died the next day, April 24, as he marked his 30th birthday with a homemade cake in Complexo do Alemão. “I just couldn’t stop crying,” he said. “My dad didn’t even get to meet my son. He was born just a week before he died.”

With nearby public cemeteries full, city authorities tried to take Santos’s body to a plot across the city. Determined to bury their father in the neighborhood he called home for over three decades, his children paid a private funeral agency 4,000 reals (about $750). “We had to sell some of his things to bury him. And we’re still in debt to the funeral home,” Rogério said. “But the important thing is that he’s here with us.”

Santos was one of the many Brazilians who have fallen victim to a pandemic that has placed crushing weight on public hospitals. Brazil now has the world’s second-worst outbreak, with over 1 million cases and more than 48,000 deaths according to a consortium of media outlets that began compiling daily data after the federal government stopped publishing it. Hit by shortages of ICU beds and ventilators, hospitals have been overwhelmed by patients. The health system collapsed in parts of the country in April and May, and some cities in the poorer north opened up mass graves to bury the dead.

“Whoever has had to rely on public hospitals was damned—there’s no beds, there’s no one to care for you,” Rogério said. “It’s what happened to my dad. If it wasn’t for this, he would still be here with us.”

Meanwhile, the government response has been sluggish and chaotic. The country has lost two health ministers since the start of the crisis, as Luiz Henrique Mandetta was fired in April and his successor, Nelson Teich, resigned just weeks into the job. The post has now been formally vacant for over a month. Both ministers appeared to clash with far-right President Jair Bolsonaro, as he downplayed the virus, flouted social distancing measures, and called on Brazilians to go back to work.

The controversial president has also accused states of inflating the coronavirus toll—despite a severe test shortage signaling the opposite. A recent study estimated coronavirus cases may be about six times higher than the official count—meaning as many as 5.4 million Brazilians may be infected. Bolsonaro also recently tried to halt the release of data showing total cases and deaths, although a Supreme Court ruling forced the government to resume publishing the numbers. Last week, he urged his supporters to “invade” hospitals and take photos proving there are vacant ICU beds—a call to action that some actually tried to carry out in Rio.

In a country plagued by deep inequality, the pandemic has hit poor communities the hardest. In Rio, the virus has swept through favelas with lethal force, aided by a lack of running water, poor sanitation, and cramped housing. Isolation has been impossible for many residents who work in the informal sector, cleaning homes or delivering food. An analysis of official data showed confirmed COVID-19 patients in Maré’s favelas are dying at a rate that’s three times  higher  than in Rio’s wealthy Leblon district.

Continue reading.

[bird-in-the-rain]

Found a post with a list of end-of-the-year asks, and honestly I kind of just wanted to answer them for myself. Reflect on the year, and all that.

1. Song of the year?

— Villain, by K/DA

2. Album of the year?

— Blackpink, The Album

3. Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

— Astro

4. Movie of the year?

— The Old Guard

5. TV show of the year?

— The Umbrella Academy, season 2

6. Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you?

— The Umbrella Academy, S2 E1

7. Favorite actor of the year?

— Wang Yibo

8. Game of the year?

— Animal Crossing: New Horizons

9. Best month for you this year?

— February

10. Something that made you cry this year?

— Worrying that I might lose my job, which I love.

11. Something you want to do again next year?

— I entered an animation into a local show, and I won an award! I’d like to work on a project to submit again next year.

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year.

— Not a lot of opportunity for friend-making this year, but I did join a new D&D campaign, with a couple of my good friends and a couple people I didn’t really know. The ones I didn’t previously know ended up being great guys, though, and I’m glad I get to play with them.

13. How was your birthday this year?

— Not great. I was going to have a friend over for the first time in months, but we had to cancel at the last moment due to possible COVID exposure. Then I was going to have my parents over to visit, but they also had to cancel due to possible COVID exposure. It was just me and my cats in my apartment alone for my birthday.

14. Favorite book you read this year?

— The Circle of Magic series, by Tamora Pierce (a reread from my childhood, which brought me a lot of joy)

15. What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?

— Not showering that often. I never go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone, so sometimes I just don’t bother with personal hygiene the way I used to.

16. Post a picture from the beginning of the year.

17. Post a picture from the end of the year.

18. A memorable meal this year?

— Thanksgiving dinner. Didn’t have to deal with a big family gathering or anything. It was just me and my parents, cooking together and then sitting down to a feast. We had a turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, cranberry sauce, biscuits, stuffing, and pecan pie. It was delicious, and we were eating our leftovers for days.

19. What are you excited about for next year?

— If we’re able to get a vaccine next year sometime, then hopefully I’ll actually be able to hang out with my best friend in person again. We had to put off our trip to Disney World because of the pandemic, and I’d really love to be able to do that before the end of next year.

20. What’s something you learned this year?

— Patience

21. What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?

— Well, I graduated in December and moved back in with my parents, so I started the year living with them. In late January, I got a job offer and moved into my own apartment, so now I’m ending the year in the city, in my own place, with my two cats that I also didn’t have at the start of the year.

22. Favorite place you visited this year?

— Not much opportunity to go anywhere this year. The only mildly interesting place I went was to Madison to play D&D in person with my friends once. We usually play virtually, and haven’t had much opportunity for anything else because of COVID.

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

— I adopted one cat at the very end of January, and then I ended up adopting a second cat (the sister of the first cat) in March. I was really nervous about taking on the second one, for various reasons, but now I can’t even imagine my life without the both of them. If I could send a message back to myself, I’d just tell myself to adopt both of the cats right away. Give myself a whole nother month to get to know the second cat and get to love her and care for her.

24. Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

— I don’t usually make any New Year’s Resolutions, so no.

25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one.

— I joined a new D&D campaign this year, and I made a new character for it. My character’s name is Waywocket, and she’s a fire genasi wizard of the College of Lore Mastery. She was adopted by a witch named Gretel, and she became Gretel’s assistant in her research at the Archives of the Hallowed Sanctum (a Halloween-inspired city).

[steadings]

all in all my 22nd has been pretty subpar.... I was ready for nobody to remember it but i got many bday texts from people i really care about and some people i thought i drifted from and didnt like me any more, and yet some of those i thought were my closest friends didnt bother at all. The day itself i was snapping and crying at my family like a brat bc i was tired from work and sensorily overloaded from waking up a nap at 11pm and coming out to bright lights the TV blaring everyone trying to talk to me my mom wanting to cut the cake even tho i hadnt had dinner yet and i burst into tears like "Can we do it later i havent even eaten im hungry" and she got sullen and tight lipped and said fine and went to the tv n put on her earphones and i felt so bad so i had 2 spoons of rice mixed w my tears, then i said to her ok Fine lets cut it now. lets cut the cake now and at first she gave me the cold shoulder then said Ok take it yourself then. like she just completely changed. I was still crying btw and eventually she did get the cake out and bother to put candles on it and as my parents and brother were singing happy birthday I was just full up crying its kinda funny but also not

But its been lovely i had a birthday picnic w my colleagues, R. sent me a surprise thing of FLOWERS which is insane i dont think i've ever gotten flowers and they look so pretty on my cluttered as hell desk, and when i went clubbing last night my two girlies got me a necklace and earring set which was sooo sweet of them. It was their first time clubbing and they called me their mother hen for ""teaching"" them how even though i've really only gone thrice before yesterday before covid. Bittersweet 22nd love comes from the most unexpected places is the moral of da story here 💝

[raynewrites]

A year later. . .

Todays date January 1, 2021

Technically January 2 , 2021

12;49 am

I fell off terribly horribly ..

While life has spiraled completely out of control and went in so many unexpected ways I'm here . Still wanting to do the same things. A little more enthusiastically . A bit more zestful. The year last year started so strong two weeks in  my on again off again husbands passes away . The last day I see him in the hospital to say goodbye and pay my respects I find out he gave my $5000 custom made 2.5 karat engagement ring away to one of his ex girlfriends who he got back with the 2 months we were apart.  Mind you we got back together during the two months and before he could give me the ring back that same week we had a big fight about not being on the same schedule.

COVID 19          

Yea right after this ...my first birthday without him in 4 years ... everyone get sick world closes ppl die ... Its a mess ... its still a mess... 

I have posted one SINGLE video recently ...

I'm fighting to figure things out as a real single woman .. without a backup plan .. or a back up ex I should say. Before I always imagined that at the end of then day after I was single for awhile and he did whatever “DATING” he saw fit we would complete our life plans together. We payed off the ring. We were going to have our all white wedding at the beach resort in the Philippines with my lacy dress by Leah Da Gloria with my super snatched waist. My children tan and glowing with happiness from the close proximity sun of the equator. I even agreed to have a new baby. Shocking behavior. WE HAD NAMES.

everyday is hard because he intertwined himself so deeply in every part of my daily life in every part of the small and minute details. I was at a party crying because they served crab which I had a hard time eating because for the last 4.5 years he cracked my crab before i even touched it and sat it on my plate like a fucking baby . I'm crying In the Mexican restaurant we always go to because she asked how he was and she didn't know. IM crying all the time .sometimes happy tears. Sometimes disbelief. I will say I was well prepared for his death he trained me . He left me gifts in the family we built together .The network of friends [even the woman that wears my ring] They check on me they celebrate him they make sure his mother and daughter are fine. They'll never be fine but Im glad he left me people who actually care about me. 

I also left behind 20 years of friendship.. moved a guy in and also out .. and even met someone new at the end of the year... while all of this is grossly a waste of time at the end of the day the friendships that I have retained mean so much more to me. 

I've picked up tarot card reading ...

it seems natural    ...

 I've started real estate school and I actually told a few ppl about it to be able to be held accountable at the end of  the day if I fucked up my  self paced online schooling ..

Dreams will be coming true this year I released intentions into the ocean this morning with Jasmine after work it was her first time. Ive written down some longer team goals and tasks ..The cards i pulled were very optimistic about working towards a goal or goals an relationships kind of forcing a way to me. 

Also as of this last few days a sticky situation could be on the horizon.. more to come hopefully not next YEAR . 

[shirlleycoyle]

‘They Aren’t Anything Without Us’: Gig Workers Are Striking Throughout Latin America

“Do you know what torture it is to go hungry while I am carrying your food on my back?”

Delivery worker Paulo Roberto da Silva Lima posed this question in a video in March, calling out food delivery apps for leaving workers unprotected in the pandemic. Da Silva, better known as “Galo” because as a child he dreamed of having a Sete Galo Honda motorcycle, filmed it on his 31st birthday. He was behind on bills at his home on the outskirts of São Paulo. He got a flat tire while making a delivery, and after fixing it,  he opened the UberEats app.

“I had been blocked,” he remembers, because a flat tire had delayed the delivery. “I wanted to fight back.”

Paulo Lima, known as Galo, prepares to leave home in the Jardim Esmeralda neighborhood, West Zone of São Paulo. Galo has become a national reference for deliverers after positioning himself online, asking for minimum working conditions and denouncing the injustice of the companies in the sector: "The very lucrative business of these apps is not delivery. It is exploitation."

The video went viral on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp in Brazil, provoking debate about the working conditions in the gig economy.

Da Silva began organizing other workers, forming the Entregadores Anti-fascistas (Anti-fascist deliverers). He encouraged them to question the working conditions on the apps. “Just because you don't see your boss doesn’t mean you don't have a boss,” he would tell other workers. “He's hiding, counting money. Money that you make, you understand?”

Galo has become the face of a growing labor movement of gig workers in Latin America who are protesting work conditions and pay during the Covid-19 pandemic.

On July 1, thousands of delivery workers in Brazil simultaneously went on strike with their counterparts in Mexico, Chile, Argentina, and Ecuador. They are targeting the global behemoth UberEats, and food delivery apps that have sprung up around the region, including Colombian-owned Rappi, and Brazilian-owned iFood. The growing, decentralized movement is pressuring companies to improve working conditions, and governments to regulate the industry.

Motorcyclists celebrate the turn-out of the first strike of application delivery workers in Brazil on Paulista Avenue in São Paulo.

In São Paulo, the July 1 strike drew thousands of workers and supporters. Motoboys and bike delivery workers occupied the central thoroughfare Paulista Avenue, and were joined by students, trade unions, and soccer fans. Their colorful backpacks gleamed in the winter sun, and the workers were joyous, feeling their collective power after daily work in isolation. The smell of gasoline filled the air, as they revved their engines and pulled wheelies. The workers savored a rare moment of dominating the streets. Wearing a delivery backpack, which usually relegates them to the back entrances at restaurants, and stolen naps on park benches, suddenly became a point of pride.

Gerson Cunha of the São Paulo Motoboys Union estimates 5,000 motorcyclists joined the protest. The massive turn-out in Brazil drew media attention, public support and galvanized workers.

Galo calls on workers to see their common interests, instead of seeking personal gain. “I gave up the idea of wanting to get rich so I could change the world,” he says. “The point is to live better, and that means everybody together.”

Regardless of which company they’re working for, the complaints are the same: low pay, long hours, the constant danger of crashes, and now, the threat of the coronavirus.

Tato Silva, 40 years old, who works delivering by scooter in the rich neighborhood of Pinheiros, shows his income at the end of a day.

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When da Silva became a father in 2017, he turned to delivery work. It was his second stint as a “motoboy,” as they are known in Brazil, but the industry had changed. Now all the work was on apps. He signed up for iFood, Rappi and UberEats, which sell the idea of entrepreneurship and self-employment.

Da Silva says those who deliver by bike have it the worst. They often live on the outskirts of São Paulo, and are Afro-Brazilian or mixed race. He says they ride 15 miles to the city center where demand is high. Sometimes workers sleep on a city bench overnight, too exhausted to ride home.

“Is that entrepreneurship? Is that owning your time?” da Silva asks. “Give me a break.”

Da Silva says that technology companies pit workers against each other. “When I have a problem to solve, you know who I have to solve it with? A telemarketing attendant. Another precarious worker,” he says. “I keep cursing at her, and she keeps cursing at me. And the boss keeps counting money.”

Some motoboys and bike deliverers have resorted to eating at soup kitchens and accepting food handouts. They lay down to rest during the 20-minute breaks some of the apps allow three times per day, and then reconnect to not be penalized for being offline.

Coming from the outskirts bicycle delivery guys are subjected to a very risky job with few guarantees. The pandemic has worsened their conditions, with more unemployed people joining the applications, lower pay, and greater health risks.

AMABR, the Association of Application and Autonomous Motorcycle Drivers of Brazil, says that delivery workers earn on average between 6 and 10 R$ per hour ($1.15 to $1.91), and work from 10 to 12 hours a day. The motoboys call themselves “cloud people”—always connected, waiting for work, roving the city.

“The pandemic has tripled the number of deliverers,” Da Silva says. “[The companies] have no responsibility to the worker, they can have as many workers as they want. It's a paradise for them.”

Food delivery was already booming in Latin America, and has only grown in popularity during the pandemic. AMABR estimates there are 50,000 to 70,000 delivery workers in São Paulo, a city of 12 million. One study in Mexico found that orders through Rappi increased 79.67 percent in April 2020 compared to April 2019, and 31.69 percent for Uber Eats in the same time period.

But while demand for delivery is growing during the pandemic, so are the risks. Brazil and Mexico trail only the United States in the number of Covid-19 deaths. More than 100,000 people have died of Covid-19 in Brazil, and about 50,000 have died in Mexico. While Latin America continues to fight the pandemic, delivery workers have no choice but to keep working.

Alexandro dos Santos Souza was working for “Zé Delivery App,” a Brazilian alcohol delivery company, on April 21, when another motorcyclist hit him on a São Paulo highway.

Alexandro dos Santos in his home after an accident during a delivery that resulted in the amputation of his left leg. So far Alexandro has not had any support from the Zé Delivery application, which he was working for at the time of the accident, nor from the associated beverage depot, "You can't complain, because if you don’t do this work, someone else will. With this high demand, one can go out the delivery business, a hundred new delivery guys come in. If it wasn't for my family, I'd be depressed, I'd die."

Dos Santos, 45, called friends for help and an ambulance arrived. “I went to the hospital, and they tried to do four surgeries,” he says. “It didn't work, and they had to amputate my leg.”

Dos Santos has not received support from Ze Delivery. “Even before the pandemic, I worked all day as a delivery worker,” he says. “I would leave at 6 a.m. and come back at midnight, making 1,000 reais a week [$119].”

“You make money but you don't live,” he says.

According to data from Infosiga, the São Paulo State Traffic Accidents Information Management System, 39 motorcyclists died in traffic incidents in the city of São Paulo in March 2020, compared to 21 during March 2019. In May 2020, 40 died, compared to 29 in May 2019.

The city does not track how many were working for delivery applications. But the São Paulo Motoboys Union says that it has been mostly working motorcyclists on the road during the pandemic, so it is likely a high proportion of those who have died were working for apps.

A study by the Network for Labor Reform Monitoring carried out by several public universities in Brazil surveyed 298 workers, finding that 59% reported lower earnings since the start of the pandemic. The researchers found that before the pandemic, just over half the workers earned more than 520 Reais a week ($98.33). During the pandemic, only 27.2 percent reported that level of earnings.

Da Silva says that after paying for gas and motorcycle maintenance, he aims to take home at least 1,800 Reais a month ($340). “It’s not a good salary,” he says, “but it’s enough to live your life.”

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As Da Silva and other gig workers were organizing in Brazil, similar protests spread throughout Latin America. On April 22 the first strike was called among workers in Argentina, Ecuador, and Peru. A second strike came on May 29.

In Mexico, workers say they are joining protests because the risks on the road have increased. “In over 100 days of the pandemic, five delivery workers have died,” says Saúl Gómez of the collective Ni un Repartidor Menos (Not One Delivery Worker Killed) in Mexico City. Days later, the collective recorded a sixth death, of an UberEats worker who crashed off a bridge on July 24.

On July 1, Ni un repartidor menos led two protests, hanging white-painted delivery backpacks at the sites of two fatal crashes. The action echoes the white “ghost bikes” that hang in many cities to commemorate cyclist fatalities.

Bike delivery workers cycle up to 30 km from their homes on the outskirts to rich neighborhoods to work. Exhausted during lunch and dinner breaks, they look for squares and public places to rest while waiting for the next shift. Many use their bags to protect themselves from sunlight.

Mexican workers say the companies have not done enough to support workers who have contracted Covid-19. Applications like Rappi have offered to compensate workers for sick time. But Gómez says the documentation requirements are onerous, especially in Mexico where Covid-19 testing rates are the lowest in the region.

Like their counterparts in Brazil, delivery workers in Mexico City also report decreased earnings. Paola Ángel Segura, 24, says that when she started working for Rappi in September 2017, she could earn about 1,000 pesos ($44.87) in four or five days of work. But in the months leading up to the pandemic, she was working six days a week to bring in the same amount.

These conditions have motivated Segura and other workers to join Ni un repartidor menos.

Diego Alberto dos Santos Jesus, 24, lives in a homeless occupation in the East Zone of São Paulo. His one-room wooden shack has little furniture, including a disconnected oven and the Rappi bag, which he uses to store food. Diego has been a production assistant, logistics operator, general assistant, gardener and builder's assistant. Today he works part-time with a motorcycle on loan from a friend, earning an average of 20 to 30 reais a day. His food is only guaranteed by the community kitchen, which receives donations.

Due to the risk of contagion, Segura has not seen her 6-year-old son, who lives with his paternal grandparents, for over two months. “I feel bad,” she says. “I’ve been missing him a lot.”

“The applications should pay attention to us, because they depend on us,” she says. “They aren’t anything without us.”

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The strikes have succeeded in attracting attention to working conditions, and putting companies on the defensive. Rafael Grohmann, a professor at UNISINOS in Porto Alegre, Brazil, says that platform companies increased their advertising and lobbying in response to the strikes. “The media showed much more of the companies’ vision, saying that everything is fine, and not the workers' voices,” he says. “The companies want to co-opt the public debate.”

While geographically dispersed, delivery workers have found ways to connect and organize. “Workers organize using whatever tools are available to them,” says Callum Cant, author of Riding for Deliveroo and former delivery worker in the U.K.

In the case of delivery workers, that’s their bikes and motorcycles, allowing them to gather and dissipate quickly. They also take advantage of smart phones, messaging apps, and social media. The boxy delivery backpack has become their calling card. Brazilian workers stack their backpacks to create barricades in the street, Mexican workers paint them white to memorialize killed colleagues.

“The current situation is escalating struggles led by delivery workers themselves,” says Cant. “These are conditions in which labor movements have always grown.”

Giovani Adorno, 23, and Anderson Rodrigues da Silva, 39, have dinner after a discouraging day. They were connected from morning until night-time on the iFood app and only had four deliveries. The pair are neighbors and live in Embu das Artes, a city in the metropolitan area of São Paulo, 30km from the center of the capital.

Collectives have been connecting across national borders, organizing YouTube panels, sharing social media content, and hosting online meetings. Outside Mexico and Brazil, groups include the Agrupación de Trabajadores de Reparto and Asociación de Personal de Plataformas in Argentina, who have counted six delivery worker deaths during the pandemic.They are joined by Glovers Ecuador, and Rider Unidos Ya in Chile.

Gig workers around the world are facing dangerous conditions and unstable income due to the pandemic. The Fairwork Project, part of the Oxford Internet Institute, published a study in April on the impact of Covid-19 on gig economy workers. The study found no evidence of companies acknowledging worker demands or collaborating with independent worker associations. To the contrary, they found instances of platforms trying to suppress worker efforts to organize.

“The next step is to understand how platform responses will change as the pandemic impacts subside,” says Funda Ustek-Spilda, a Postdoctoral Researcher and Project Manager at Fairwork. “Will policies they have rolled out for sick pay or other compensation, will they be taken away? Will they remain?”

iFood, Uber Eats, and Zé delivery all said that they take worker safety seriously. “iFood respects, unconditionally,  democratic rights to manifestation and freedom of speech The company already meets couriers’ movement demands and currently operates with a minimum delivery rate of 5 reais, regardless of the covered distance,” a spokesperson for iFood said. Uber Eats said it works “continuously to improve the quality and safety of independent work while preserving the flexibility that delivery partners so value.” And Zé Delivery said it “does not have its own delivery staff … but Zé Delivery maintains an active communication with its partners, always advising on the best measures to be taken on a case-by-case basis and on the protective equipment recommended for making deliveries.

Legislation has been introduced to Brazil’s Congress, which would stipulate an hourly wage for platform workers, require social security contributions, and unemployment insurance.

In Brazil, several cooperative delivery companies are already in operation, and more are in the works. Rafael Grohmann is supporting the Anti-Fascist delivery workers in Rio de Janeiro to set up a cooperative platform. “This has to be done step by step, without accelerating,” he says. “The construction of platform coops cannot be based on technological solutionism, but on the organization of workers.”

Da Silva agrees that worker control is the next step. “The problem is not with the technology, it's with who operates the technology,” he says.

“The secret is the cooperatives, creating a deliveryman’s app,” da Silva continues. “We can guarantee more rights if we want, and we don't need the state. We can set the agenda.”

‘They Aren’t Anything Without Us’: Gig Workers Are Striking Throughout Latin America syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[reinvimorated]

Why not?

1: are you named after anyone?

Yes, I’m named after my Great Grandma. She owned a shop in Manchester in the early twentieth century and was something of a badass (badass / total cow depending on your perspective). Her name was a pet name form of my name, and she was known as Cis.

2: when was the last time you cried?

Saturday, when I watched The Good Place finale with my daughter. i’d seen it before but she hadn’t and she was sobbing, which got me started.

3: do you have kids?

yep. Two.

4: do you use sarcasm a lot?

Possibly too much. A young fellow at work called me ‘savage’ the other day. I have to admit I rather liked that.

5: what’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their eyes, how generous they are with their smile, their accent and how they talk.

6: what’s your eye colour?

Sort of amber golden brown. I’m often accused of wearing coloured contacts.

7: scary movie or happy ending?

Eh, I mean, it depends on the rest of the story, right? I can do both - but not torture porn, I’m way too sensitive for that. Wolf Creek was the last thing like that I watched and it nearly killed me - mainly because I knew it was based on a true story. The thought of those people going through such fear and pain in real life just ended me. The Haunting - the original one - now that’s a scary movie.

8: any special talents?

I’m very good at knowing a song within the first few bars, even if it is being mixed in to something else, I am a kick-ass cook. I’m told I’m a good writer. Music is the one talent that I wish I’d done more with in my life. I have a knack for it. I am also good with computers, more instinctively than anything.

9: what country were you born in?

England, but most of my family are Irish. My DNA test I got for my birthday says I’m Spanish, Easter Island (??) on my Da’s side and Ashkenazi Jew on my Ma’s. Most people tend to think that I am Spanish. 

10. what are your hobbies?

I don’t have much time for hobbies because I work and I have the two sprogs and all the stuff that comes with them, but that’s starting to change. i got myself a clarinet off Ebay the other day and have started to play again, and I’m tinkling on the piano more often. I’m determined to have written another story by the end of All This Covid Time. I liked going to the gym and lifting increasingly large weights. I don’t know why. Now and again I get a very strong urge to Paint a picture and so I do so. I’m all right at it. I have a vision in my head for my next painting but I need to learn oil paints first as I don’t think acrylics will do.

11: do you have any pets?

I do, a dog named Se´amus (I can’t do the proper ‘e’) He is a boston terrier. he is brilliant and a tiny Boston so more like a cat than a traditional dog. He likes to curl up on your lap and lie in the sun and he tends to swipe at you when you’re lying down and he wants stroking. He has woken me up consistently every night for the past 5 years as he likes to snuggle under the covers. Worth it though.

12: what sports do you play/have you played?

Have? Netball, football, hockey, tennis (amazingly I have a trophy for this which is just.. weird) Do? None really, except for the weights thing. I was a pretty good ballroom dancer as a kid (Northern England is mad for ballroom) and maybe should have carried on learning dance (that said I am rubbish at following instructions for learning steps - great rhythm but definitely freestyle. Over the years I’ve just gone out dancing and got lost in the music - no need for drugs, of course I can dance for 6 hours straight if the tunes are good enough)and I reckon I would have been a good boxer. 

13: how tall are you?  

174cm. But now I’m old so I’m gonna start shrinkin’...

14: favourite subject(s) in school?

English. English and English again, with some Art and IT on the side. I liked Maths when my brain got it, especially algebra. I honestly can’t remember much about the other subjects. I was always daydreaming. I categorically DETEST Economics. I genuinely believe it’s a pseudoscience that people get excited about because of the squiggles and numbers and, you know, the entire capitalist dream depending on it. I think it’s mainly bollocks.

15: dream job?

Ooooh, book editor for a decent publishers. I used to do that and I enjoyed helping people shape their babies and squeeze ‘em out.