#i get chills and the urge to cry out in delight every time i watch this scene

[casualavocados]

favorite hdm moments [5/?]     ↳ Lyra meeting Balthamos The land of the dead cannot be entered by angels. And my path is a different one. But I shan't be far away. (3.03 - The Intention Craft)

[aetheternity]

My wifey, my best friend

Synopsis: Draken knew two things in his life for sure. One, that his best friend was a virgin and two, that he had a thing for his best girl. So he decides to kill two birds with one stone. 

Disclaimer: Fem reader, Unprotected sex, kinda not really a threesome, Oral sex (m recieving), and voyeurism are all present in this. (Minors dni) 

It wasn’t hard to see. Draken’s girl had always been a sight for every man’s eyes. Even before they’d gotten together. She got attention for the way she presented herself, her face, her body and overall just how chill of a person she was. Because while she looked mean (and honestly she could be at times). She was always ready to defend anyone in her squad. 

And very often that meant Mikey. Which Draken had always been thankful for seeing as once he had the help he didn’t know how he’d done it by himself for so long. But he didn’t miss how much quicker his girlfriend got violent when it came to Mikey and vise versa. Didn't miss the prolonged smiling between them or the way they were somehow always touching.

Didn’t matter how much she’d deny it when he’d call her out. Her eye roll adorable despite the clear deception behind her words. The flush of her cheeks, dilated pupils and nervous laughter all giving her away. She wasn’t just into Draken.

She was into Mikey too. She just didn’t seem to see what he saw.  

At first it had been a bit of a sore subject filling his brain. His girl and his friend had the same feelings for each other? Well he knew you wouldn’t cheat on him, you’d always been such a sappy romantic. Crying over love stories you’d read online and forcing him to watch movies that were far too long for just a stupid kiss at the end. 

And he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Mikey wasn’t a concern. But every time he saw you two together it seemed as though you’d gotten even closer than the last time. Which eventually became the basis for a plan. 

“Hey.” Draken’s braid hung down the back of your couch as he called to you where you stood in the kitchen filling a big bowl with an assortment of chips and popcorn. 

“Hey.” You mimic his deep voice with a giggle coming over and setting the bowl in his lap. 

“Did you have fun with Mikey today?” He asked pressing a light kiss to your forehead. 

“Yup. Me, Mikey, and Emma had a lovely day out today.” You tossed a kernel of popcorn into your mouth with a snicker. 

“Don’t be like that. You know I’m not asking because I'm jealous.” His hair tickled the side of your face as he leaned in closer brushing stray strands of hair back from your cheeks. 

“No no, I know Ken Ken.” 

His breath flushed over your cheeks and nose when you met his eyes. You brushed your fingertips up the side of his head to trace his tattoo. His hands meeting your waist, fingers threading over the small of your back while he kissed you. And you returned the affection with every bit of eagerness that flooded your body. 

“What do you have going on Saturday?” He asked as he pulled away 

Your smile was warm, eyes practically twinkling as you said, “I don’t know whatever you’re doing I guess.” 

“You, me, Mikey, Mario Kart.” He suggests 

“That sounds so fun.” You place a kernel of popcorn on his tongue before turning to flip on the movie pulled up on the DVD player. 

“What is this?” Draken grumbled over the snack in his mouth. His demeanor quickly shifting. 

“I told you I was finally gonna show you The Notebook tonight.” You replied and Draken resisted his urge to groan as you cuddled up to his side fishing a couple chips out of the bowl still in his lap.

~~~~

Saturday morning Draken had arrived at your house at eleven am. He’d set everything up. You thought Mikey was coming at one but Draken had told him eleven knowing that he probably wouldn’t actually get there till twelve.

He’d helped you carry the bulky consoles and teased you all morning just so he could get you here. Right now at 11:45 am, your ass pressed between his bare thighs, socked feet tickling his bare knees, with your panties hanging off one foot as you worked your body up and down his length. The steady claps of your skin meeting creating a beautiful noise that bounced off the drab paint job in your living room. 

His name left your lips with a chorus of pleas. Pleas for his attention to your clit. Pleas for his thrusts to be harder. All greedy and messy while you gripped his shoulders tight for some form of stability. 

“Come on Darling, you can do it.” He replies thickly, the fingers he has sinking into the smooth flesh of your back hurt but the tighter it gets the more he’s enjoying it. “You’re doing so well.” He groans 

He slips a hand under your tee shirt looking for a better angle. His thighs spread and just for a couple seconds he indulges his good girl a little more. Feeds into your anxious cries as you whine about needing your orgasm so bad. Cock brushing against your cervix while you greedily weep for more.  

“Take it then.” He tells you breathily, head tilted back to show off the bob of his adam’s apple. His groans a little deeper as you work him up so close. Cunt squeezing so perfectly around him. Strands of his hair stuck to his forehead from the accumulation of sweat. “I want you to make yourself cum, Darling.” 

Your fingers twist into his shirt at every slam of his hips. Wandering hands drifting up to cup your breasts through your bra before coming back down to your hips.

You clearly can’t hear it. Too lost in bliss but the subtle click of the door opening and closing isn’t lost on Draken at all. He never stops feeding you his cock though. Not as the taps of footsteps get louder, not as the pounding in his chest gets a little harder and not even when Mikey is standing right in front of the two of you. 

“Name, Ken ch-” 

Mikey freezes and your eyes fly open thrashing around to grab the blanket at the end of the couch to cover your lower half. “Oh my god Mikey!” Mikey stays quiet though his eyes grow dark, lips parted as he stares at the two of you. “Mikey, I thought you weren’t coming till one..” You huff, hand over your forehead and eyelids as you clutch the blanket a little tighter with one hand. 

“Are you saying you’re upset that he’s here early?” Two sets of eyes fall on Draken. He has yet to let go of your hips as you sit in his lap still fully seated on his dick with his best friend standing only a couple feet away. 

“Not this again Ken..” Your words drift away as the palm of his thumb slips beneath the blanket to slide smoothly over your swollen clit. Surprisingly Mikey doesn’t make a move to leave. Feet seemingly stuck in their current position. 

He leans toward your ear though it's still loud enough for Mikey to hear. “Are you trying to tell me you didn’t squeeze my cock when Mikey walked in? Are you saying you don't like his eyes on you while I make you a mess?” 

“Wha.. Ke-” A breathy gasp leaves your lips. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Mikey finally finds his voice though it lacks the malice he usual manages to possess. 

"You might as well stay while we finish. She's almost done."

Draken spreads your thighs with one arm pulling one of your ankles up till it’s resting partially against his shoulder and partially against the back of the couch. Slowly but surely the blanket begins to slip off your lower half exposing you slightly to Mikey. With your other leg resting against his; he thrust into you so deep that it creates a noticeable bulge in your stomach for just a split second.

A couple whimpers flutter off your lips and you try to slightly steady yourself as Draken guides his length into you without even the slightest hesitation. The couch shudders with loud creaks as if it's protesting the rough pace Draken has set never taking his eyes off a still shocked Mikey.

"Have you ever thought of fucking her like this?" Draken asks his voice husky and thick over your moans.

You're almost unabashed in the way you look over to Mikey with tears welling against the corners of your eyes. Thigh tensing with every rough pound of Draken's hips.

"K-ken.." You try only to gasp. It makes Mikey's hand fly to his tee shirt trying his best to cover what was so obviously growing right before you and Draken's eyes.

"I want to watch as Mikey fucks you." Draken finally admits. "Would you want that darling? Want Mikey to pound your pretty pussy like I always do?"

"Mm close.." You cry, lips trembling and wet as you throw your head back. Your fingers twist in Draken's shirt, leg twitching awkwardly by his head.

Mikey's lips hang open. His breathing raspy as your whole body tremors. You lean forward in Draken's grasp pushing him even deeper inside you as you cry over and over, "M' cumming K-ken.."

Draken lets his head fall back against the couch as you milk him while you're trapped in your own euphoria. His dick twitching through the intense groans you pull from his chest. When he's finished he places a gentle hand on your stomach.

"Will you take care of Mikey now?" He lifts your body off of him, placing you next to him.

"You want me to fuck your girlfriend? Have you lost it?" Mikey asks, cheeks stained a bright pink.

"Yeah, I'm giving you permission to show, Name a good time while I watch."

Mikey looks over to you. Slowly but surely you extend your hand to him looking at Draken for any bit of hesitation on his part. He hesitants and then his sandals are clicking against the hardwood as Draken motions for him to get between your legs. Mikey's eyes wide with attention as he stares down at you, hands stiff at his sides.

You look to Draken again who's pulled off his shirt by this point; laying back against the couch to rub his softened cock back to life. "Kiss him." Draken nods to Mikey who's basically stone at this point.

"C-can I?" You sit up pressing your hands to his cheeks immediately delighted by the strands of hair delicately brushing against the knuckles of your fingers.

When you lean into him, he presses forward. Hands reaching for the back of the couch for support. His lips are cold. Not at all what you'd thought they'd be. Hesitant, a little shaky and over all cute.

You couldn't help but trace the shape with your tongue. They were smaller than Draken's that part was obvious and more gentle too as though he was scared he could hurt you from just a small kiss. When you pushed him a little further coaxing his lips apart he conceded for you. With a heavy breath he slid one hand down to your face, Adam's apple bobbing where you could see it through your peripherals.

When your tongue slid into his mouth he took a deep breath cautious as you prodded forward with your tongue. And just as soon you were pulling away.

Draken added pressure to his tip with his thumb before sliding his hand back down his shaft in a smooth motion. "Take her shirt off." He instructed

Not only were Mikey's lips cold but his fingertips were also slightly cold as they slipped under your shirt with shaky hands. When you reached for Mikey's shirt Draken tsked,

"Be careful with him. He's still a virgin."

Mikey gritted his teeth in Draken's direction but ultimately said nothing. Weirdly enough that information broke the tension still present in your shoulders.

"Aw Mikey that's ok." He raised his arms as you slipped his dark blue shirt over his elbows, allowing it to join your already discarded clothes in the growing pile.

Though a part of you was slightly curious about whether or not it was by his own choice. With a bit more confidence now you slid your back up the couch a bit pulling Mikey in by the hem of his shorts. Without a second thought you reached behind your back to discard your bra bringing Mikey's free hands up to massage your breasts.

The little gasp he let out was so endearing, eyes clouded with tenderness and lust. Draken snickered at his end of the couch, "How's it feel to touch boobs for the first time?"

"Shut up." Mikey grunted

With your guidance he gingerly twisted and pulled at your taut nipples earning a sweet gasp as a reward. Meanwhile your hands curved up and down his physique, enamored by the touch his abs had just beneath your finger tips. So rough yet smooth and soft as they expanded and contracted for each of his breaths.

Not wanting to waste a second more you gestured to the band of Mikey's shorts, "Is this ok?" And once he nodded you pulled the string loose letting them fall to the ground with his boxers soon following.

Unsurprisingly he was smaller than Draken but he was thicker than you'd imagined. Pretty in both size and color with a much more rounded tip than Draken.

You looked up to Mikey's face. His attention elsewhere as you wrapped a warm hand around the base of his cock. "It's so pretty." You mumbled with a giggle when that gorgeous pink took full color against his cheeks. "I want to put it in my mouth. Can I?"

The bob of Mikey's Adam's apple didn't go unnoticed by you. The way sweat was already starting to appear on his forehead making you smile as he silently moved his hips closer to your mouth.

The hiss that slipped past his lips when you pressed your tongue to his tip and circled it gathering the precum sliding down was precious. And it dawned on you as if you hadn't remembered before that this was Mikey's first blow job.

The famous Mikey was getting his first right here and now. It pushed you further, you left wet open mouthed kisses all over his shaft before letting every sweet inch of him into your mouth. Delicately and steadily over his shaft till you were kissing his pelvic bone.

Never in all the years you had known Mikey had you ever seen him be so cute. His mouth was open for every panting breath he could muster trying and failing to catch his breath. His cheeks an even deeper pink than before and his eyes shut impossibly tight.

He reached out for the back of the sofa as you slowly pulled your mouth back before edging him all the way down your throat again.

"Oh God.." He choked out

Draken's laugh was boisterous the hand that was on his cock now slapped over his mouth as he tried to contain himself. "Darling you can't see from this angle but his face is perfect." He grins

You know it's bad when the only response Mikey gives to this is a loud gasp. His nails digging into the cushions behind you with a heavy grunt.

Draken leaned forward twisting his fingers into your hair gently to guide your head back and forth a little faster. "You look gorgeous, keep going."

Mikey's whimpers fill your ears and spit trickles over your lips. Your tongue swirling over the prominent veins at the base of his cock as you work him up with just your mouth. Curses flying off his lips at an exponentially higher rate.

"Doesn't she have such an amazing mouth?" Draken groaned hand resuming its earlier work.

Mikey could only hum lost in bliss with each thrust of his hips. He managed to angle himself deeper down your throat, reaching out to card strands of your hair back as well as he pushes his cock as far as it could go.

"Shit.. sh-it I think I'm gonna.."

Draken pulled your lips off surprisingly harshly. Fingers still deep in your hair as he guided your thighs open for Mikey. Cum from Draken's earlier orgasm still stained your thighs as Draken pushed Mikey forward by the small of his back.

The angle was kind of weird, especially for a first time but it did help Mikey align better and slowly but surely he was pushing inside. The fill of his cock pressing inside of you left you feeling a bit dazed and your eyes fluttered close. Nails finding purchase on his shoulder blades.

His forehead soon met yours, hitched breaths from his lips flush against your face. "Shit.." He heaved almost breathless.

"Yeah she'll do that to you." Draken grinned. You couldn't tell if it was your heartbeat or his pounding in your ear but you soon regained enough consciousness to wrap your legs around his waist.

"You ok?" He asked, eyelids fluttering open.

"Yeah. Feels good." You reply with a concentrated breath.

Mikey's hand slammed down against the couch cushion as he slowly began to move sucked in by your warm cunt. Every inch of his dick snug inside you. In a way that was so different from the earlier feeling of your mouth.

"Mikey.." You huffed trying not to lose it completely whenever he bottomed out. He wasn't long enough to touch your cervix but every inch of him was so obviously present inside you. Grazing your walls like they were built just for his cock.

"Angle your hips to the right a little." You could hear Draken's voice. All deep and husky like it always got when he was in the mood.

Mikey did as he was told, adjusting his hips till his dick perfectly pressed into your g-spot. You couldn't help it now your head falling back and your thighs shaking when he thrusted right into that spot.

"God.. f-uck.." Mikey grunted

"You're doing so well.." You mewled brushing his blond hair back where it was starting to stick to his face. "It feels.. s'good.."

Your thighs tensed as he started to speed up a tremble setting in his shoulders. You already knew what that meant. Bringing a hand under his chin to pull his lips into yours. The sounds of both Mikey and Draken settling in your ears as you felt the beginnings of the coil tightening in your stomach.

"Mm gonna cum.." Mikey moaned

The feeling of his cock twitching inside of you had you gripping him like a lifeline and he did the same. His arms wrapped around your waist as he emptied himself inside your fluttering walls.

"Oh God.." You sighed

His body continued to tremble, eyes far gone as you held his face to look at him. "You ok?" You giggled, still attempting to catch your breath.

"Draken was right about your pussy." Mikey grins

"Oh my God you told the guys?!" You pick up a pillow next to you chucking it at your boyfriend.

"I only told Mikey that part." Draken replies catching the flying projectile. "Hurry up and finish. This shits getting painful."

"Finish?" You're cut off by Mikey slowly pressing all the way back inside you. "You didn't get to cum." He whispers into your ear. His knee slides onto the couch next to you, guiding your hips against his cock.

Your head banging against the cushions behind you with each of his rough thrusts. Breaths short where they're falling off your lips. You don't miss the way Mikey's eyes clench shut, the way his teeth ungrit trying and failing to keep his noises quiet.

Your once messy and now unruly and missmanaged hair slips from the tie you'd once used to hold it. Strands falling over your face and into your eyes and collecting with the sweat present on every inch of your face.

Draken's groan came from the pits of his throat as he squeezed the tip of his cock in his fist. "I'm gonna cum." He warned, warmth spread through your stomach as you watched the tensing of his body soon followed by his thick cum shooting up only to return to earth. Coating his fists in liquid.

His dark eyes shut as he breathed through his orgasm with a deep sigh.

You cursed under your breath issuing your own word of warning as your thighs clenched around Mikey's waist. "Don't stop.." You pleaded, hands heavy on Mikey's shoulders as you pulled his body closer.

"I won't."

The coil in your stomach soon settled as your release coated Mikey's pelvic region slicking his cock as you cried out. A sense of familiarity soon falling over you as you watched the same build of intensity forming in Mikey.

The roll of Mikey's eyes utterly intoxicating as his hips stuttered forward with a breathy moan for the first bit of his orgasm. Sweat trickled down his forehead, his own hair a complete mess as he released deep inside of you completely losing control of his hips.

"Fuck Mikey.."

Mikey finally pulled out leaving his cum to ooze out of your used pussy as Draken stood from the end of the couch, heading for the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" You asked

"We need chips right? For Mario kart?" Draken called

"Yay we're still playing!" Mikey bounces like he's not still completely naked and didn't just finish fucking you.

"Of course we're still playing. That was the whole point of today." Draken replies

"You don't want to shower first?" You gesture to his cum covered chest and thighs.

"Like all together?" Mikey asks

"Nevermind let's just play."

[mari-lair]

What do you think of an au where Akane is the one who dies instead of Aoi (the severance doesn t happen he is just dead) and she doesn't remember him at all since she is not connected to supernaturals

She just knows something is missing but can't tell what. Her anxiety is really high because of this too

And Akane is still watching over her in his supernatural form but can't do much, he is way calmer now too because he knew it was the best option but is sad to see none of his friends remembering him (and he is too proud to show how sad he is)

We don't have enough au with Aoiaoi angst (or Akane angst) sorry for my english is there is mistake

I think is an amazing AU, Anon! I got inspired.

Aoi has many moments where she’ll feel like her memory is faulty, like she is merely a ghost of herself: She’ll stare blanky at her neighbor's balcony, feeling like the lights will be turned on ‘any time now’ even though she knows that room is just an old guest room. She slept in that guest room before after all, slept there so many times she know the number of cracks in the ceiling and stains on the carpet. She can’t quite remember why she is so familiar with that room, or her neighbor's garden, or even the old wood stairs, with their creaky steps. She hasn’t seen the couple that lives beside her in ages after all, how can she be so familiar with a stranger's house?

There is a lump in her throat when going to school, she fights back the urge to say “good morning~” every time she opens her front gate, knowing she will be facing the same empty street as always, but still, constantly, getting this sense that this was wrong, that she should wait. She doesn’t know what she is waiting for, but even when she does try to wait, it never comes, it just increases the weight in her chest every time she goes to school alone.

She’ll watch boys trip over themselves to confess their love for her with an odd resentment, turning them down with a cute smile but thinking ‘0 points!’ to all of them. She’ll feel an unnatural hatred towards Fuji, not sure why him being the class president made her feel so wrong, Fuji may be awful, but is not like she ever cared that much about class honor.

Usually, her bullies can’t affect her, but she’ll startle when someone calls her ‘Akane’. She shouldn’t, it’s just her surname, who cares if they didn’t add an honorific? but it feels like the name doesn’t belong to her. A lot of things in her life feel stolen. Or stolen from her. She isn’t sure what exactly, her memories are muddy when she thinks too hard, but she knows something is wrong.

…It scares her.

She likes school, she gets the vague feeling she’s being watched there, but for some reason, it feels reassuring instead of scary, almost… familiar? Her hand gets unnaturally cold on school grounds, usually only one of her hands, but the chill occasionally spread, enveloping her like a hug when she’s sad. She is freaked out by it, but also comforted by it.

She doesn’t tell anyone about it, not even Nene.

Sometimes there will be raspberry candy on her bag, or a pencil she swore she heard falling off her desk would be in the same place as she had left, she’ll even find flowers in her hair she never put there. She would have assumed she really went mad, but Nene could see these gifts as well, claiming in delight that she must have a secret admirer! (For some reason the idea of ‘secret’ didn’t go well with the gifts), the lack of letters also didn’t give her much hope.

She did tests, purposely “losing” a lacy hairclip and getting the inexplicable urge to cry when she found the same hairclip in her bag an hour later.

She tried very hard to find this secret admirer, but she couldn’t. She felt completely and utterly lost, not nearly as smart as she considered herself to be. Looking into this mystery makes her heartbroken too, she gets scared of her reality, which makes her reluntant to look into whatever was missing in her life. She starts to drown in ghost stories to get some distance from her own life but all these scary stories, while serving as a wonderful distraction, only increase her anxiety.

Akane died a few months after his contract with the clock keepers, he didn’t get nearly enough contact with Teru to be his friend and Nene hasn’t made a deal with Hanako yet, so she cannot see/touch him either. Akane is completely alone. 

Akane changed after his death: Becoming a supernatural requires the sacrifice of at least part of your humanity, but he is still recognizable as ‘Akane Aoi’. He is calmer and more selfish, sad that Aoi’s smile never reaches her eyes but not regretting his decision to sacrifice himself for her. He does want her to be happy, but he's secretly glad he left such a big mark in her life, that even without memories, he is missed. Cause it had broken a part of him to see how easily his class changed their president, how easily Lemon and Nene adapted to him not existing. How easily all his efforts, all his life, ceased to matter.

He'll stay by Aoi's side but still feel painfully distant. His loneliness tear him at the seams but he pretends it doesn't exist.

After two weeks of this solitude, he'll occasionally slip, let cracks of his desperation. He'll try to get a hold of Aoi before she crosses the school exit, growing overwhelmed by the way his hands go right through her and his screams for her to come back are completely ignored. He'll try to write to communicate with her, failing because it’s very hard to move solid objects, he spends all his energy moving small trinkets to brighten her day but no matter how hard he tries, he can't write, it's always became an unreadable mess.

He is so tired (it's almost funny, how heavy he feels when he doesn't even have a body to drag him down... Almost.) but he keeps his head high and tries to adapt, training himself to rest easy with the knowledge he did the right thing, using this excuse as much as possible,  eventually allowing the cold feeling of detachment to make his situation bearable.

Akane is still proud to be her protector, he stops the time of anyone that scares Aoi, he can’t swing a bat but he learned how to cast curses, messing with the present, making it so ‘time’ felt as if it moved far slower to those that are mean to Aoi, 5 minutes in class feeling like 1 hour.

When Aoi's graduation approaches, Akane snaps. He can't accept it, all his calm disappears and he go as far as to try to bargain with Kako to turn back time just so she could stay for longer. He'll do anything to keep her in his afterlife. It comes to the point the clock keepers lock him in his boundary, lest he hurt a student. Or hurt Aoi.

[amxranthiine]

kalon

(n.) the kind of beauty that is more than skin deep.

request:  Can I ask for platonic Thranduil with sister in law reader, reader is Legola's aunt and she saved Legolas' mother from dying but ended up paralyzed from waist down, needing to be on a wheelchair (let's pretend they have wheelchairs), and Thranduil is very grateful and helps reader a lot with things?

pronouns: she/her

a/n: like six months late but ITS FINE

warnings: ANGST n fluff. mentions of death and orc attacks. nightmares.

---

“Nana? Nana! Wake up, nana, please! You have to wake up!” A little Legolas screams as he watches his mother and aunt’s bodies be carried in by his father’s guard. His mother was pale and lifeless - cold hands and dark eyes, staring back into his own blue orbs as he shook her body. Though, he felt no love from her stare. Nothing about her was the same, her soul had already been lifted from her fragile body.

Next to her lay his aunt, Y/n, his mother’s sister. She was alive but unresponsive, blood was leaving her body faster and faster each second, pooling beneath her like a crimson ball gown. From behind Legolas, his father, Thranduil, was quickly approaching the scene. Loud orders from him to his guards could likely be heard throughout the palace. One would be a fool to miss the fear, desperation and anger laced in his voice.

Y/n stirred from the commotion, her eyes burning and her body flaring in pain as she tried to become responsive once again. She could feel every centimeter of her wound, the sword that stabbed her was likely poisoned - and it embedded it’s way into her spinal cord. She could feel her life force being drained, the light becoming far too close for her liking. Even if she lived, she knew nothing would be the same - with her body and with her family. She had been too late to save her dearest sister, and that thought alone was almost enough to make her give up. However, her little sister left her a nephew and a brother, both of which would need guidance recovering from her sister’s death.

“My King Thranduil -” Started the Captain, though he was soon hushed by the horrified Elf. Thranduil was terribly shaken up, his hair was messy and his robes wrinkled, likely from the speed at which he was running.

Thranduil looked at his beloved Wife and sister in law, and he felt his blood run cold. There was - there was so much blood. His wife was nearly blue and unconscious, was she... No, he wasn’t think like that. He looked over to Y/n, where she was struggling to open her eyes, and groaning from the giant hole in her back. He could feel the tears in his eyes, and he knew deep down that his son no longer had a mother.

Y/n heard her brother in law approaching, and even though she was on the verge of death, she felt as though she had to be the one to break the news. “Thranduil?” She croaked, her throat dry and her lips cracked.

The King rushed to her, grabbing a waterskin in the process and lifting it to her lips. She coughed as she drank down as much as she could. “Y/n...”

She ignored the burning in her eyes and looked up at him, and suddenly, she wanted to cry. She didn’t have that much time left, and she had so much to say. Y/n attempted to take a deep breath, then said her last words.

“I’m so sorry, Thranduil. I - I couldn’t save her - I tried so, so - hard. Please, tell Lego - Legolas we loved him.” She used the last of her energy to say those words, and soon, her eyes slipped shut.

“No! Y/n! You can’t leave me! You can’t leave us! Legolas will need guidance. I will need guidance! Legolas just lost his mother, he can’t lose you too!”

The weight of losing both the love of his life and his sister crashed down on him, and he fell to the ground with a heartbroken scream. A tiny body forced itself into his lap as his son wept along with him, not knowing if he’d ever see his mother or aunt again. Thranduil’s arms wrapped themselves around Legolas as he rocked back and forth on the floor, weeping and crying out to the Valar, cursing them and asking to spare them.

Thranduil gasped for breath as he jumped awake, beads of sweat rolled down his face as he regained consciousness, the nightmare - no - memory he had tried so hard to forget was now engraved into his head once again. He felt the urge to go check on his, now paralyzed, sister in law. Her wounds from that awful day were fatal, but somehow she pushed through the worst of it.

Though, not without consequence. Apparently the blade had all but destroyed her spinal cord, and because of it she was paralyzed from the waist down. The healers told him that it was a miracle she was still alive.

He got out of bed and put on a velvet robe, ignoring the chill in his bones from the cold air. He quietly tiptoed to her room, trying to ignore the feeling of dread, likely the product of his nightmarish memory.

Soon enough, as it was right down the hall, he arrived at his sister's chambers and, as quietly as he could, opened the door. His heart dropped when he saw that she wasn't there, and her wheelchair was nowhere to be found.

Thranduil panicked, his mind buzzing for any clue as to where she could be. The kitchens? No, she has trouble reaching the cabinets, and the accident made it even harder for her to see. Legolas' chambers? Hard no. She could be quite clumsy and can't be quiet to save her life. Literally.

He was starting to panic. What if she was kidnapped? His dearest sister in law, kidnapped by the very creatures who paralyzed her in the first place? It seemed realistic. At least, it did to Thranduil - who was losing his mind from worry. Though the only way they could get into the palace was through the-

Of course! The Royal Gardens!

In his state of worry, Thranduil had conpletely forgotten that Y/n liked to go to the gardens when she was having a hard time, because it was one of the only places that reminded her of her sister, the place where they had the most memories.

He took off towards the Gardens, not really caring about it being in the middle of the night as Elves were light on their feet anyway. In moments he was standing before her, nodding at the guards who took place at the Garden entrance.

Y/n was laying on the grass, her wheelchair was forgotten next to her, and she was playing with an orchid she had plucked, twirling it between her fingers carefully. Thranduil's heart throbbed as he realized that orchids were his wife's favorite flower, and that Y/n was missing her as much as he did. If not more, the sisterly bond between them was something he had never seen before.

He cleared his throat, alerting the woman if his presence. Her head turned slightly to the left as a way to acknowledge him.

"You scared me, Y/n. I couldn't find you, so I assumed the worst." He muttered quietly and sat down next to her.

She chuckled, "You've known me for how long and you still don't know that I tend to... gravitate here?"

The King sighed, he had always known that she used jokes as a coping mechanism, a way to escape her reality. "Yes, yes, I know. I just... I was worried," He frowned, taking the delicate flower from between her fingers. She paused, and he could practically see the gears grinding in her head out of his peripheral vision.

"You're having nightmares again, aren't you?" She asked, and he could feel her eyes burn into his head.

"They aren't just nightmares, Y/n," He twirled the flower absentmindedly, "they're memories."

This time, it was her who sighed, "Of that day?" She questioned, already knowing the answer, but his nod only confirmed it.

"I miss her," Y/n said, looking up at the night sky. Thranduil went to say something, but she held one finger up. "Let me finish. Sometimes I wish it were me who died, instead of her. She had you and Legolas to come home to, and I didn't really have anyone. Yes, I had family here, you and my nephew for example, but my sister was your wife and his mother, and the queen for crying out loud. Why am I saying this? I honestly have no clue. I suppose my point is... After the accident, I was overwhelmed in guilt and sadness. I didn't really focus on the fact that I was alive because of you. You and Legolas have taken care of me since day one and I can't remember if I've thanked you for that. So... Thank you. For helping heal my mind, and my body, even if their isn't much left of it. I am eternally grateful for you, brother."

Thranduil stared at her, and Y/n sniffled. At some point along the way she had started crying, and he felt like he was going to as well. He pulled his sister into his arms and held her tight as she cried, holding onto one of the last pieces of family he had left with an iron grip.

"You do not have to thank me, sister. You are family and you will be treated as such, even during hardships such as that one. If anything, I should thank you for being there for both Legolas and I while we were grieving, even if you weren't in the best state yourself."

Y/n giggled, much to Thranduil's delight. The sound had pulled a small smile onto his face and they both relished in the quiet for a moment.

Finally, Y/n pulled away, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her robe. "Alright, my King, help me up."

Thranduil laughed, a very merry sound, and helped her into her wheelchair. "As you wish, my Lady."

[sitp-recs]

(Perfect artwork for Modern Love, by @cambiodipolvere)

Today is the day of one of my favorite people! And I totally resent @tackytigerfic and Starry for almost sharing the same birthday, god the STRESS 😂 Tacky is my first and closest fandom friend. We clicked together so fast and easy that sometimes it feels like I’ve known her all my life, like we’re two dog moms living in the same neighborhood who happen to read fic in their free time. Despite our conflicting time zones and crazy schedules we manage to chat every other day, tagging and sending each other all kinds of stuff, coming together to cry scream about a brilliant fic we’ve just read or shaking our heads in embarrassment at every other unnecessary bullshit post. Tacky’s bright and wise energy uplifts my spirit even on my moody days, and makes me grateful for her friendship and for this fandom life. Okay so this got long and I had to put the rest under the cut:

It’s such a lovely and precious thing, to have someone with whom you can share every single thought that crosses your mind, your scariest, most embarrassing, petty or disturbing idea, without fear of being shamed or judged by it. I trust Tacky with all my heart to hear me out, share a joke or a piece of advice, even on the (rare) occasions when we don’t get the same perspective - that doesn’t happen often when it comes to Drarry, as we are taste twins!

Tacky my darling, you’re such a good person, and such an incredible friend. Thank you for introducing me to this lovely community, for being my safe haven and your unique self, with so many qualities I admire and feel inspired by: kind, witty, earnest, wise, and so very human. I love your humour and empathy, and your chill yet no-nonsense personality; I love your talent and how articulated you are; I love your passion for Drarry, and how you let this emotion inform the way you navigate the fandom and create for it. And god, but you’ve been creating some of the most beautiful content I’ve seen in these recent years! I’m permanently in awe of your ability to write Drarry in any shape, format or length, transforming even the most ordinary moment into an extraordinary and meaningful piece of character or relationship development. You know how you mentioned yesterday that some authors change the way you feel about a ship in a deep, definitive way? Well, you are that author for me. Your works made me fall in love with M-rated contemplative romance, and also allowed me to fall in love with Harry in a way I never thought it was possible before.

Some people - myself included - got to know you through the fun and intriguing A Lick and a Promise, others through the atmospheric and sensitive Modern Love, others through your contemplative and heartbreaking short form. Each story has its merits and purpose, and all of them share a Tacky trademark: the heartkick factor! Your talent has no limits and goes across different genres and tropes, that you explore with a bold twist full of personality and heart. And even more impressive is your consistency at always raising the bar - every new fic of yours becomes an instant fave and makes me think “wow I thought Tacky couldn’t get better yet here we are”. Seeing how your writing evolves as you find your narrative voice is a beautiful and humbling experience, I feel so lucky!

I’m really grateful for being active in the fandom at this moment in time, because that allows me to read and engage with your brilliant work, and to have you as a dear friend. I can’t wait to see what comes out of your beautiful brain next. It was an impossible job choosing a single fic to rec today, so I decided to do a belated Tacky reclist! Naturally these are my personal and biased must-reads, and I urge everyone to go check these beauties right now. Feel free to include your own favorites too, and don’t forget to leave them some appreciation.

Happy happy birthday my darling Tacky! This fandom life wouldn’t be the same without you. I hope you have the amazing day you deserve!

Between the Power Lines (2020, M, 3.2k)

The road trip fic you didn’t know you needed. I got utterly immersed in the heartbreaking quietness of this, feeling like a witness to an ordinary yet poignant love story. Such tender intimacy, such character development, such lovely American aesthetics with barely any dialogue. This is, IMO, the fic that reveals Tacky’s triumph in storytelling.

Even the Night (2020, M, 3.4k)

This fic has a surreal atmosphere, those Midsummer vibes unbelievably sexy and intoxicating linked to the sensorial experience of fumbling together in the night. Masterclass in tension building, a silky and languid dream-like affair.

Aim for my Heart (2021, M, 3.4k) - Harry/Draco/Ron

One of the most sensitive and stunning portraits I’ve ever seen of a poly/triad relationship, this fic packs so much character and longing! It’s a privilege to watch Ron and Draco’s tentative dynamics through the smitten eyes of the one person that loves them like no one else: Harry.

The Long Fall (2021, M, 3.6k)

I can’t even write about this tender domesticity without getting a lump in my throat. Best opening scene I’ve read in years, and a refreshing way to approach both mpreg and parenthood, painfully honest and lovely. This became an immediate comfort read for me, and it’s probably one of the fics I revisit the most.

Mortal Frame (2021, M, 6.6k)

This thrilling, fast-paced spy story left me breathless since the first paragraph, gods what an immersive ride! I’m so here for Drarry on the run, sharp and urgent with danger but mellowed by the silent trust and tender intimacy only Tacky can master. Major bonus points for the brilliant take on the Horcrux hunt plot line!

Last Offices (2020, M, 6.7k)

Oh, this fic 💔 I tend to avoid MCD but there’s something so deeply fascinating about body washing rituals that I caught myself mesmerized by this. I just couldn’t put it down, so emotionally compromised I felt. There’s a sort of strange comfort in the heartbreak of doing one last act of service out of devotion to someone. This fic inspired so many difficult but lovely feelings in me, and one of them was hope. Only Tacky could possibly achieve that!

Our Little Life (2020, M, 7.2k)

Inventive and singular, this story hit me straight on the solar plexus and left me speechless as I saw the (clever, magical and bittersweet) plot unravel. Such a fabulous take on alternate universes and all the angst potential behind it. Come and bask in the yearning melancholia of a short yet intricate and perfectly executed plot.

And One to Play (2019, E, 21k)

What a fun and delightful fic, I can’t have enough of pining Harry losing all sense of propriety when faced with a hot, competent and pragmatic Draco. This has fab dynamics, unhinged protectiveness, even more unhinged attraction between two idiots who can’t keep their hands off each other. A must-read for any Auror partners fan!

A Lick and a Promise (2019, E, 55k)

Hot, BAMF Professors carefully balancing a fuck buddies situation while solving a Hogwarts mystery, do we need anything else? I certainly do not. This fic is so fun and intriguing and immersive, with amazing supportive cast and a delicious get together feat secret shagging and oblivious pining. Love it!

Modern Love (2020, E, 61k)

My favorite read of 2020, this fic is a love letter to Drarry and will always hold a piece of my soul. Sensitive, wistful, tenderly aching and so very romantic, this is a Muggle Draco triumph with a superb Harry, exquisite slow burn and a side of suds comfort. I promise it will be impossible to listen to Bowie again without thinking of this love story.

Bonus: five stunning drabbles!

Something in the Way (2021, T, 119 words)

“Up,” he said, and Draco, sick with love, raised his arms above his head and allowed Potter to slide the jumper on him, big hands stroking it flat over Draco’s stomach until they both shivered.

Stir-Up Sunday (2020, M, 300 words)

“I want you always,” he said, tugging again on the fine curling length of it. “Is it okay to say that?”

Whalebone Arch (2021, M, 722 words)

“Are you still not talking to me?” Draco steered Harry towards the crisps. “Do I have to suck you off in the loo to cheer you up?”

Semiplume (2021, T, 923 words)

“Did you know,” Harry murmured, and he put his arms around Draco, fearless. “I’d be your mate. If you needed a mate, I mean.”

Relic Radiation (2021, M, 927 words)

“You’ll kill me,” Harry said, and Draco turned his face towards the darkened sky, lunar pale, his profile some stupid unearthly thing—a flaring blazar, a supernova—in the light from the kitchen window.

[ackerfics]

edelweiss — levi ackerman.

— levi ackerman x female reader

— warnings: spoilers for season 4 and the good old aot canon-typical violence.

— summary: you pour your unsaid thoughts to levi, only to break a promise that costs you your heart.

— word count: 4.5k

The sea holds so many promises with its sea-green hue that it spreads a chilling wave through your body like the first breath of winter’s snow. The first time you had ever set eyes on such a majestic view, there was still momentary happiness lingering as your comrades splashed each other with its blue waters. It was a symbol of hope and yet it remained a mystery that prevents all of you from knowing what was beyond this thing called the horizon. You remember how you laughed in delight when Hange presented a bizarre creature on their hands, beckoning you to move closer and focus your entire attention on the small unknown thing lying on your best friend’s palms. You remember glorying under the Sun’s ever singing rays, watching them glitter against every small jostle of water at your feet. You remember turning around to face your lover with a bright smile that might have rendered him speechless — fumbling for words when the two of you face each other.

Those moments were timeless.

Minutes spent wading in the sea was the only time you had peace.

You let out a shuddering breath as you brushed your fingers against the gold band decorating your left ring finger. This is no time to be vulnerable. You were a captain for years, for heaven’s sake, even before Levi joined the Survey Corps. The younger soldiers would feel nervous if they see your unnecessary tears. Hastily wiping them from your cheeks, you turned away from the railing separating you from the dreadful vastness of blue that placed you in such a mood and placed a tentative hand on one of the rooms housing your injured husband.

Entering the small room was more stifling than the situation happening around the continent. It would mean seeing Levi in such a state that would always accumulate unshed tears in your eyes. The bandages wrapping his figure only worsened your melancholy and with every step, you pray that he wouldn’t wake up from the cringing creak of the wood paneling of the floor. The room only had one single bed and a convenient chair on the opposite side of the lone furniture. You wasted no time in lifting the chair to place it beside Levi’s bed, seating yourself with pursed lips and clenched fists. The more time you surveyed his battered body, the more your throat burned with the urge to pour out your feelings in the small confines of the room.

With the Rumbling purging the continents beyond Paradis, this was no time to be relishing in old memories. 

Yet living in those memories you shared with Levi kept you solid.

Your life wasn’t guaranteed in this last mission. There will always be a possibility that you won’t come home with the rest of the people fighting against the Rumbling and you had to make do of the short amount of time you had with Levi. But a part of you was saying that you had to survive no matter what, to make that dream of opening a tea shop in a small village possible — to give your child the freedom and childhood you had never experienced. That little ray of sunshine that came to both you and Levi in times of hopelessness a year after taking back the lost territory of the Walls. He looked like Levi that it was so hard for you to say goodbye, even if it were only missions for weeks on an unknown land. This time, you didn’t utter a single closure to your son, regret started bubbling in the abyss of your mind and stomach.

And now, you don’t know if you could ever meet with your son again.

Taking Levi’s hand as gently as possible, you took a deep breath.

“If time really was against us, I promise I wouldn’t cry. I promise I wouldn’t wait for you because I know you’ll still be the strongest soldier I have ever known. I am a mere mortal compared to you, Levi, and I fear that this dream of ours will have its last breath.”

A bitter chuckle came out of you as your grip on his hand tightened. The memories were now more vivid than usual — the time you introduced yourself to him and his friends from the Underground, the respect that blossomed between you when he knew you will be his new squad leader, the way he looked after you as your second-in-command, you recommending him in the vacant Captain spot of the Survey Corps, and you giving him a welcoming gift in his new office. Then, the images shifted to when he finally kissed you under the canopy of stars, to when he whispered words of reassurance as your bodies erased every space between you, to when you screamed in Shiganshina that you were pregnant with his child, and to when you started carrying his discovered last name along with the birth of your first son.

“The reason these thoughts tend to cloud my head at this moment was that the memories simply flashed in my mind as I stared at the ocean that I always longed for. Memories we shared that might have been fleeting yet they carry a thousand-fold of emotions coursing through every fiber of my being. Funny how every time we went out on an expedition all those years ago, you always told me to keep safe and come back with a heart that’s still beating for you. As if I would ever stop loving you and set my sights romanticizing the Titans as Hange does. I had realized that you never once accepted that my life could abruptly end with a constant war on our hands.

“Until your tired breath from lack of sleep gradually diminishes, this time, I will be the one to protect you and fight until I will let go of my own heart to sing a song worthy of you.”

“Was that a speech of farewell just now?”

Your eyes flew from your joined hands to the dulled gray irises of the keeper of your heart. Before you know it, tears continuously flowed a stream on your cheeks, your shoulders hunched as sobs racked your body. “I don’t know what came over me, must be the tension brought by the possibility of dying when we haven’t even stopped the Rumbling from erasing the rest of humanity.”

“Hey, look at me,” Levi uttered your name so softly as if he was afraid it would sadden you even more. Placing his left hand on your cheek, he wiped the cascading tear that glistened under the mellow glow of the lantern beside his bed. “You’re not going anywhere. Not when I am still alive with limbs fully intact. Well, except for the fact that I lost two of my fingers.” From that, more tears appeared in his view, flustering him in the slightest. “The point is that I will protect you. This dream with our small family will be forever ingrained in our future. You will always have me looking out for you.”

“But I’m supposed to be the one protecting you now.”

“Are you underestimating me?”

You shook your head, covering his hand with both of yours. You placed a tender kiss that you hoped radiated the unsaid thoughts that could ruin the moment you share with him right now. You wanted him to be a part of humanity’s victory against whatever crazy plan Eren has set his mind on.

“Our little boy is waiting for us to come home,” Levi reminded you after a few minutes of silence (with your occasional sniffles here and there). “Isn’t that enough reason for us to come home alive? Imagining him losing one of us was the one thing I don’t want to happen right now. Promise me.” You love the sound of your name when he says it. Akin to the flowers that seem like they hold all the jewels at the center of their petals. “Come home with me safe and sound.”

“I’m not one to keep promises, Levi, you know that.”

“Just this once,” he pleaded. “All I wanted was to have a happy ending with you, my edelweiss.”

With new tears blossoming in your eyes like flowers in spring, you gave Levi a promise that will desperately cling as long as the two of you are alive.

And he regretted making you say those words.

The battle with the Nine Titans of the past proved to be tormenting. With forces so small, the group who allied two countries at constant war with each other fought with bated breath, all eager to get out of the situation alive like no other. As hollow as your chest became after witnessing Hange sacrifice their life to let all of you escape, you steeled yourself and momentarily forgot the emptiness you felt as you landed on top of Eren’s back. You fought back a gag of disgust when you realized that the humungous creature shared similarities with those insects you loathe. However, Armin was captured by a Titan out of nowhere and everything went to absolute shit. Maneuvering in the air was perfect for the remaining members of the Survey Corps as they assessed the onslaught and ongoing appearance of their intelligent enemies on Eren’s back but their numbers continued pouring in. Two thousand years of Titan history right in front of your eyes. Everybody, Mikasa especially, was starting to feel agitated that one of their comrades was hauled away with a good number of Titans to prevent them from saving him.

“Even if I was in perfect shape,” Levi told them while they stayed perched a good kilometers away from Death, “I would still not choose to make a charge there. So calm down. Mikasa, don’t rush. Wait until I distract them.”

You glanced at him from the corner of your eyes. “Levi, don’t overexert yourself. We don’t want to lose you.”

“The feeling’s mutual. Don’t die on me.”

The rush of adrenaline started when Pieck initiated the charge, along with the thought that she had never known Eren unlike the rest of the people behind her. You screamed for her to retreat but they were futile when the Warhammer Titan materialized behind the Shifter and pierced a weapon made of hardened Titan skin through the torso of the woman’s Cart Titan. Gritting your teeth, you followed your comrades in a route specifically to rescue the new commander of the Survey Corps. Thunderspears were released every minute, maneuvers were done in utmost accuracy, and sliced napes gradually increased as your small group evaded every death-defying moment. As you were about to set your sights on one Titan in particular as well as avoid the Colossal Titan, Connie descended when the fifty-meter mass of burning flesh threw Reiner’s inert Titan at the rest of the squad, shaking the entirety of the spine you were carefully standing on. 

“Levi!” you called out desperately when you saw him cough up blood. He was only a few meters away from you and you had to take him away from there fast. However, the sudden motion of a jumping Titan made you rethink your decision, latching your hooks at somewhere near Connie and blinding the creature’s eyes with an angered shout that might have startled it. The horrible creature tried snapping at your form but you were quick enough to evade its jaws with a hiss from your ODM gear, turning in midair to slice the Titan’s nape and rendering it lifeless. Looking down for a moment to check on your blades, you saw the lone pair sitting inside either sheath of the gear. “Fuck. My gas canisters and supply are not cooperating with the situation right now.”

Looking around, you suddenly realized with a hollow chest that everything was hopeless at this point. There was no escape as every intelligent Titan known to mankind swarmed your squad, their shadows a foreboding omen on your death.

Feeling a prickling sensation at the back of your neck, you turned around and saw that the Warhammer Titan was starting to make another one of its weapons, this time, a needle-like spear forming from the hardened material at the bottom of its foot. Shouting at the top of your lungs for your friends to flee, the message only registered to them when you pushed Mikasa, who was dangling in the middle of the trajectory with a determined face, oblivious to the weapon hurtling towards your squad’s direction.

Pain was something you always described as a chain of a chemical reaction. From all the books you read while trying to keep up with the latest idea Hange had, you always marveled at how a small prick of a needle would soon creep the sensation to your entire finger. To prevent yourself from being affected by the pain, you always likened the creeping pain to a blooming blossom in your and Hange’s favorite season. It promised something anew that would grow from the initial pain that racked your body. The dizziness was another story entirely. You never had issues with iron deficiency while growing up. You were a force to be reckoned with — battle scars lining up your legs and knees from all the running and climbing you did as a part of your childhood. These dents on your body grew in numbers as the years passed by until you were granted a position in the military regiment of flying wings and anxiety-ridden adventures. You wore these battle scars proudly like any other soldier.

Then, the promise of being alive rang across your head like a beacon.

That spear caused the entire left side of your torso to be gone.

The shouts of terror and agony from your squad fell on deaf ears as you slowly plummeted to your death. Ah, so that was why you were having flashbacks of your life from gazing at the ocean a final time. Glassy eyes stared lifelessly at the steaming sky as a single voice screamed your name nearly made you smile. You can finally let go of those long, never-ending days now. There won’t be nightmares plaguing you every other night as you finally succumbed to your last sleep. Selfish as it may, you were at peace once again.

“[Name]!”

And when you opened your eyes, a familiar face appeared to greet you and everything felt like a dream you just experienced from a drunken daze.

“Hi, I hope that wasn’t a bad dream.”

You blinked away the drowsiness that fell upon your eyelids, staring at a familiar landscape you only saw in daydreams. The clean air reminded you of the good old days, of summers left uncherished and autumn with its red leaves and yellow treats. There weren’t any Titans looming at every corner of the space and you slightly felt relieved at the thought until a single tear ran down your cheek like a chill in the winter air. 

“Don’t cry.” A slightly panicked tone that only deepened the cut you felt in your chest. “You’re safe here.”

Those words only fuelled your cries. Palms covering your mouth, you uttered the name of the person who would pull you from the inner workings of your mind and bring you back to the surface. You never knew how much you missed them until you wrapped your arms around their shoulders, pulling them in an embrace that you should’ve done before they said their farewells, face taut with determination to stop Eren.

"Hange.”

They smelled like home. Of baked bread during late-night trysts in the kitchens to make them eat after a week of slaving inside their laboratory, of hot chocolate from the marketplace, of scented shampoo from the baths you had to force them. Your grip tightened when you felt their gentle hands reciprocate the hug you showered on them.

“I can’t believe you’re here waiting for me.”

“You did well.” A call of your name snapped you from reuniting with your best friend.

“Erwin?”

A warm smile lifted the said man’s lips as he kneeled beside you and Hange, who was now trying so hard not to cry. “You fought beautifully, [Name], and I’m so glad to see your smile again.”

The overwhelming emotions made you laugh brilliantly in the vast meadow where the veterans once had their picnic. Then, an image of a man with ebony locks and loving steel eyes and a toddler with an uncanny similarity as him made you stop breathing. The tea shop you promised your husband would have. The perfect childhood your son would’ve enjoyed. “What about Caelum? Levi?”

Erwin placed a firm hand on your shoulder. There you realized your torso was still intact. “You will see them as many times as you want. Come,” he took your hand and pulled you up, “the others are waiting. It’s your time to tell your story now.”

“I bet it was interesting since I never got to see it,” Hange interjected, wrapping a nostalgic arm around your shoulders. “That blasted Eren! I will haunt him in his sleep if he survived that massacre he started!”

-

Sleep was never Levi’s friend growing up. It was a realm that he chose not to venture at certain nights, afraid of the demons lurking at every corner of his tunnel vision. There was a time that sleep was kind to him. It took the form of a beautiful sprite with gentle fingers; coaxing him, tugging affectionately on his black locks, and humming lullabies that will guarantee him a good night’s sleep after a tiring day of having responsibilities. Only there was no fairy to lull him to sleep this time around. The nightmare was always the same — it started as any other random memory stored in the kept jar inside his chest, turning the whole scenario in a crescendo until he saw the limp body of his wife dropping lifelessly, the wire of her gear snapping from the impact of a white spear. His wife had the same face as the fairy who he held every night while being in the Survey Corps. The wife who gave him the light of his life, who was sleeping soundly beside him on the bed; black hair tousled, puffy cheeks blabbering drowsy nonsense, and chubby fists clenching on the thick sheets.

Glancing at the child on the bed, Levi ran an agitated hand through his hair, tugging at the roots as hard as he could. His mind flittered to the dream he just had, shocked that no blood and corpses were waiting at the end. Levi doesn’t know if he should be grateful or spooked at the sudden change of his unconscious.

“Guess you won’t be calling me ‘Captain’ anymore, huh, Levi?”

A playful jab colored Levi’s new office. It was a new change from that stuffy bedroom he got back when he was still the second-in-command of the woman standing in the middle of his office as if it was a new wonderland fit for admiring. The room was nothing much. It was an old storage room, which ticked Levi off to many tomorrows, spending every free time polishing the wooden cabinets and bookshelves until they reflected his face. There was an adjoining door to the right of his desk, showing his new sleeping quarters — equipped with a bed, housing double the pillows he got a while back and a soft mattress that his spine was grateful for. Now, the black-haired man observed how [Name]’s face lit up when their eyes met, igniting a foreign feeling inside his stomach and chest.

“So what’s second on the agenda, Captain Levi? I deduced that cleaning is the first one and you finished that without a hitch. You should’ve told me you needed help, I can always spare a few minutes taking a break from paperwork.”

Levi snorted at how smooth the title and his name sounded with the woman’s voice. “Finding brats to place on my squad.” As he fidgeted with the stacks of papers on top of his desk, his gray gaze kept glancing at [Name], who was now sidling up on his bookshelf, occasionally commenting that they pay a visit to the marketplace downtown for some good books to add in his collection. (“Your taste is bland, Levi, spice them up, for fuck’s sake,” to which the man brushed off.) “Uh, if you don’t mind, you can help me with finding some good soldiers for my squad.”

[Eye color] irises immediately snapped to meet his, causing Levi to clear his throat to ease the nervousness that started to chill his spine. It was as if he didn’t spend the past year under her leadership, which amounted to more moments spent with just the two of them. This, however, the nervousness he felt, was uncalled for. The cause being the woman with the unbound hair, curling at the bottom from the hours she pinned it in a bun, and a resolve that rivaled that of a stoked fire shining through her eyes. Truly worthy of the title ‘Humanity’s Beacon’, being one of the few women to ever prove themselves by slaying titans and conditioning their bodies and mind to achieve such an accomplishment. Levi found himself continuously staring at [Name] with the most blatant awe his stoic face could muster. He realized something that might have crossed his mind a couple of times they were together.

[Name] [Last Name] was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

“Finding good soldiers?” [Name] hummed, oblivious at the fact that she took the black-haired man’s breath away with a glance. “I think I have some cadets in mind.” Then, she clapped her hands. “But before that, I would like to give you your welcoming present!”

“Welcoming,” Levi trailed off, “present?”

[Name] nodded, turning around to the long couch pushed against the wall. So that’s what that poor excuse of wrapping paper was for, Levi thought. Like a little kid presenting the parent their shitty drawing, [Name] placed the gift in the middle of his desk with a clang. Wait, clang? “I hope I didn’t break it,” the female captain murmured, scratching her head sheepishly. “You can open it now.”

Levi tentatively unwrapped the brown paper around the supposed gift the woman gave him. Upon seeing what was nestled inside the papers, gray eyes met the most tantalizing [eye color] as he slightly gaped in disbelief. “You bought me a,” an eager nod could be seen from the woman in his peripheral vision, “a tea set. And a new jar of tea leaves as well. [Name], I-I couldn’t accept this, this must cost a lot. You know I have plans of buying my own tea set and tea leaves once I have a solid paycheck. These are even made from the highest quality, both of these, how—?”

Laughter bubbled from [Name] as she endearingly stared at the flustered state of her friend, abruptly stopping his chatter. “You’re rambling, Levi. Don’t worry about the lost money, we will be getting our paychecks next month anyway. I don’t have anything to splurge the rest of my savings on, except for a few books and quills. Besides,” she paused to give Levi a brilliant smile that once again rendered him speechless, “I guess giving you these are worth every single penny. Congratulations on being captain, Levi.”

Clearing his throat, he looked away. “Tch, you’re the one who recommended me to Erwin, stop with the congratulations as if you don’t know the promotion.”

“Still stingy, I see. So about those cadets you wanted to recruit. Here, I recommend these people.”

A small weight knocked Levi out of his stupor, silver-gray matching his stare with worried eyes. Small hands plopped on either side of the man’s face, squishing his cheeks as the hunched smaller figure on his lap pouted with furrowed eyebrows. “Dad, did you have a nightmare?” Letting out a sigh, Levi took his son’s hands from his face and proceeded to hug him close. The little boy sensed that his father was in a sad mood because of the man’s tense shoulders so he determinedly patted Levi’s head. “There, there, Dad. It’s more than okay to forget that dream.”

“You know I wouldn’t dare forget your Mom, kid,” Levi murmured, leaning back to look at Caelum with a raised eyebrow.

“You were dreaming about Mom?”

“Yeah.”

Great, his kid inherited his insomniac tendencies. If [Name] would see him now, there would be no doubt she will initiate a late-night tea party with Caelum. The kid also inherited his love for tea (Levi lets him drink fruit teas in the meantime) which is more than fine.

Caelum ducked down, pouting while fiddling with his father’s shirt. “I miss Mom.”

A sad smile pulled on Levi’s lips. “Me, too, kid. Me, too.” He brushed his lips on Caelum’s forehead (which lead to a small whine from the toddler, saying that he’s a big boy and he doesn’t want kisses from his dad) before lying down on the bed, with his son on top of his chest. “Deal with the kisses. Let’s sleep, yeah? Are you sleepy, kid?”

The little boy yawned and rubbed his eye. “Nope.”

Levi snorted. “Well, no shit.”

“That’s a bad word. Mom wouldn’t like you saying it.” Silence enveloped the two until, “Hey, Dad, can you tell me stories about Mom?”

“Go to sleep, brat.” A pause. “She is—,” Levi sighed, “quite a handful, even when she was a captain.”

Caelum huffed. “I already know that. You always complain about it.”

“Well, did I tell you about that time she stood on top of a Titan we were planning to capture, leading it like a horse to our trap?”

The dark-haired boy shook his head adorably. “Did Mom get hurt?”

“That idiot did.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say about Mom!”

“Setting that aside, your Mom…”

Telling stories of [Name] always proved to be quite a time-consuming thing as the toddler fought against his drooping eyelids. Levi fondly stared at the only memory his wife left behind, his hand soothingly rubbed the boy’s back as their breaths turned into a rhythmic melody synced with each other. “I love you, kid. I know your mom will be proud of you. We’ll always be here for you, our edelweiss.”

-

To you, glowing with the suns,

There was no one alive to tell the tale of how the world almost came to an end, how earthquakes rumbled, how hopes were extinguished. There was no one alive to tell the story of how much I dedicate my heart to you. If I’d known it would be this way; I would have written thousands of paragraphs with the way I looked at you as if you were the sea, I would have written the ending with words that rivaled the infinite stars in the cosmos, and I would have finished it off with happiness that we (you) deserve. 

You are my prologue, my epilogue, and every chapter and page in between.

From a tired soldier who loves you until we become ancient,

Your Levi

[luffles424]

Down by the River

☼ Pairing: Seokjin x reader

☼ Genre: smut, angst, fluff, historical!au

☼ Count: 3.9K

☼ Warnings: big dick seokjin, teasing, slight overstimulation, fingering, dom!Jin, multiple orgasms, squirting, creampie, marking, beard burn, oral (f recieving), some nipple play, thigh riding, public sex, exhibitionism, dirty talk, degradation

☼ Summary: The river is the only place you and Seokjin have for yourselves. A secret you have to keep from your family because they’d never approve of your interest in Seokjin. 

☼ a/n: I would apologize but I’m not that sorry. Kim Seokjin in that beard is doing things to me.

Let me know what you think! My ask box is always open ~ 💙💙💙💙

The area is quiet around you aside from the gentle rushing sound of water coming from the shallow river beside you. You step carefully across the smooth rocks to the shore, glancing around to ensure that you’re truly alone out here. You squat down, fingers dipping into the water, smiling when you feel that the water is the perfect temperature. Glancing around once more to double check that no one else is around before you stand and slowly begin striping down, setting your clothes down carefully on a small raised rock near the bank. 

Once completely bare, you wade into the water, submerging yourself completely once the water reaches your waist. You stay submerged for a moment, enjoying the way the world becomes muted and muffled around you. You hum in content once you resurface, letting yourself relax back into the water and float in the gentle current. Sunlight peaks through the branches, warming patches of your skin as your eyes slip closed. You could almost fall asleep like this, but you can’t, anticipation keeping you plenty alert. 

Time slips by slowly as you doze before a voice startles you slightly. 

“My, my. This seems like something a noble lady shouldn’t be doing.” Comes an amused voice from the shore.

You keep submerged from the chest down, although the water is doing little to give you any form of modesty. A man in shabby dark blue clothes stands there, fishing pole propped on his broad shoulders. He gives a small smile before he’s schooling his features again. 

You bring your arms up to cover your breasts, blinking up at him with wide eyes. “I thought I was all alone,” you pout.

“So you came to a public river for privacy? Doesn’t a rich girl like you have a more… private place at home to bathe?”

“Can… can you turn away so I can make myself decent first before you question me, please?”

He smirks, eyes trailing over you before he turns away. “I suppose I can.”

You wait a moment until you’re sure he won’t turn back and then hurry out of the water to pick up your discarded clothes. Before you can start getting dressed, arms wrap around you, grabbing hold of your hands and preventing you from putting them on. 

“Princess, I know you’re not about to put your clothes on while you’re still wet, are you?”

You giggle, dropping your clothes once more. They narrowly miss the puddle of water forming at your feet. “Jinnie, your clothes are the ones getting wet.”

He chuckles, wrapping his arms tighter around you. “Worth it.” He presses a kiss to your neck, beard tickling the skin. “What were you doing out here all alone and naked, hm?”

“I was bathing,” you turn in his arms, pressing a kiss of your own to his cheek.

“Out here? Where anyone could happen upon you?” His lips move back to your neck, nipping at the skin. You hum, wrapping your arms around him and he chuckles as he drags his beard roughly across your skin. “Oh? You wanted that to happen, didn’t you? Such a dirty girl, hm? Out here naked, parading around where anyone could see her. You want people to see you, don’t you?” His hands slide down and he grabs your ass, squeezing the flesh roughly. “What a little whore. What am I going to do with you?”

You squirm, body heating at his words. You knew he’d be the one to find you out here. This was his fishing spot, chosen because so few people know how to get here and don’t bother traveling quite so far when there are closer spots to bathe or fish at. But the idea of someone finding you now, naked and in his arms while he’s still fully dressed sends a thrill through you as your pussy clenches around nothing. You feel a puff of air as Seokjin chuckles darkly and his nails dig into your skin.

“Answer me, whore.”

You whimper, feeling slick begin to leak from you. “Only wanted you to find me.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s true. You could’ve just waited here for me. You didn’t need to strip down. You want people to see what a little whore you are for me? See how well you take my cock? See me claim you and ruin you for anyone your parents may pick out for you?”

You squirm, pressing yourself closer to him as he slips a thigh between your legs. He presses you against him, guiding your movements so you grind against the rough fabric of his pants. Water and slick soak into the fabric, adding to the drag of it against your clit. You moan and Seokjin presses his lips to yours, drinking in the noises you make. You feel so wired already from his touch, the coil in your belly tightening.  

“You’re making such a mess, princess. Make a bigger one for me, cum for me.” 

You whine into his mouth as his thigh presses harder against your pussy and it takes almost nothing more for your body to tense as you cum against his thigh. Seokjin keeps your hips moving to ride you through your orgasm, watching your blissed out face with dark eyes. One of his hands leaves you as he shrugs out of his vest. 

“What a good little whore. So good for me,” he coos. 

He keeps an arm wrapped around your waist to keep you upright as he carefully lays out his vest on the ground. Once he’s happy with its placement, he carefully guides you down to lay on top of it. He kneels between your legs, gaze heated as he looks at you spread out before him. 

He chuckles when you squirm shyly under his gaze, fingers twitching with the sudden urge to cover yourself. “Oh? All shy now? Weren’t that shy when you were in the river, pretty tits out in the sun. Or when you were humping my leg just a moment ago like a dog.”

You cover your face as you feel embarrassment creep in. You didn’t choose this spot because you wanted to be caught, it was just the only spot that you could freely meet with him. Your parents would never approve of him. They’d claim he was beneath your status. But you couldn’t deny your heart. You just wanted to be with him. 

Seokjin’s hands are gentle as he reaches up and tugs them from your face. He peppers light kisses across your cheeks, your nose, forehead, lips. “None of that, princess. Let me see you, all of you. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you from worrying about someone finding us.”

His lips find yours once more, deepening the kiss immediately as his hands find your breasts. He gropes at the flesh, fingers pinching and rolling your nipples until they harden. His hands are large and warm against your water cooled skin, quickly chasing away any chill you feel against your damp skin. He presses his hips into yours and you feel his hard cock pressing against you through the fabric. Whining, you roll your hips against him, feeling desperate and wanting his cock in you already. He pinches your nipples, tongue slipping into your mouth when you gasp at the sudden flare of pain. He soothes your nipples with the pads of his thumbs.

You reach up, tugging frantically at his clothes, finally fed up with the fact that you don’t get to see him too and that you’re not getting to touch him as much as he’s touching you. You only manage to get his shirt pulled apart enough to touch the smooth expanse of his chest before he’s trailing his lips across your jaw and down your neck. He nips at the skin, almost as if in reprimand, and then he’s moving down, lips wrapping around a nipple and moving his chest out of your reach. His teeth tease at the bud and your fingers dig into the fabric on his shoulders at the sensation. 

He suckles for a moment as you squirm beneath him. He pulls away with a pop, lifting his head and grinning as he rubs his chin across the sensitive nub, scruff irritating your skin in the best ways. He rubs his chin back the other direction and you shudder at the burning trail he leaves.

“Look at you. So desperate. Have you missed me that much, princess?” He drags his chin across to the other breast, tongue darting out to sooth the irritated skin then to quickly circle your nipple. He’s quick to suck a mark into the skin of your breast. “So quick to forget where we are when all you want is my cock. Such a little whore, hm?”

He nips at your breast one last time before leaving a stinging trail of bites down your belly as he shifts himself lower. Strong hands grip your thighs, lifting them so they settle on his shoulders. His cheek rubs against your thigh, leaving another trail of beard burn in its wake. Another way for him to mark you as his, burns and bruises littering your skin. You moan as he kisses your thigh, kisses shifting slowly over towards where you want him most. His plush lips wrap around your clit and you let out a cry of his name. He smiles against your pussy, tongue swirling around the bud. 

You reach down, fingers fumbling to free his hair from its knot so that you can tangle your hands in the strands, to hold onto something to feel even the slightest bit grounded while he ravages you in a way that only he can. He laughs against you as his hand reaches up to help your struggling fingers. He tugs his headband off first and a few expert tugs have his hair falling free from its tie. Immediately you bury your hands in his hair, tugging at it as he begins to eat you out in earnest. His tongue circles your entrance, lapping every drop of slick from you that he can before he’s pressing his face as close as possible and his tongue is slipping in as far as it can reach. 

Your fingers tighten, hip rolling against Seokjin’s face as he fucks you with his tongue, facial hair a delightful coarse contrast to his soft lips and you feel your pleasure building once more. Seokjin moves his mouth back to your clit, alternating between sucking on it and using his tongue while he slips a finger into you. 

“Look at you,” he murmurs, lips still pressed against your core. “So ready to cum out here in the open.” You clench around his finger and he chuckles and easily slips a second finger into you. “I knew you liked it. The idea of someone finding you. Finding us. What would they say, princess? When they see a lady with her legs spread for a commoner. And by the river no less. I bet they’d go straight to your parents. Tell them what a little whore they have for a daughter.”

“Seokjin…” you whimper, squirming as his fingers speed up and his lips wrap around your clit once more. 

His teeth scrape against your clit and your orgasm takes you by surprise, back arching as your pussy spasms around his fingers. He continues to pump his fingers, slowing them as you ride the waves of pleasure before he carefully removes them as you collapse back against the ground. You blink blearily at him as he sits back on his heels, bringing his fingers up to lick clean and winking at you as he does so. 

He looks unfairly handsome, even with his shirt ruffled and pulled open and his long hair free of its tie and mussed from your hands and face still wet with your juices. You itch to get your hands on him, to make him feel just as good as he makes you feel. To feel the weight of his cock in your hands, on your tongue, the stretch of him in your pussy. You reach out for him and Seokjin’s smile softens as he reaches out to take your hand in his.

“What do you want, princess?”

You tug at his hand, hoping to get him closer but he doesn’t budge. “Wanna make you feel good too,” you pout. 

“Yeah? Want me to fuck your pretty little pussy? Remind you who it belongs to? Use you to make myself cum?”

You nod frantically, tugging again at his hand, his words renewing your desire. “Please, Jinnie… Want your cock.”

He shrugs his top off finally and you could cry with joy as he shoves his pants off too. He’s so gorgeous and you are the luckiest person in the world to get to be the one who sees him like this. His cock bobs as he moves, tossing his clothes to the side and out of the way. Even though you’ve just cum you feel a fresh gush of slick drip from you as you stare at his cock just imagining him stretching you again. You don’t think you’ll ever get used to how big he is, thick and long and perfect to fill you in all the best ways. 

He wraps a hand around it, giving himself a few pumps as he stares at you in amusement. “See something you like, princess?”

You reach out, fingers brushing the head of his cock for a moment before he’s gathering your hand in his and leaning over you. He lets your hand go to brace himself beside your head as he rubs the head of his cock through your folds. 

“How are you even wetter? You like my cock that much, princess? Want to get fucked by it out here where anyone could see you getting ruined by a commoner’s dick?”

You nod, legs wrapping around his waist and trying to pull him closer. He’s talking too much, you just want him to fuck you already. “Yes, yes, please. Want your cock. Only ever want yours. Want you to ruin me, please.”

“Only mine, huh? Have I ruined you for other cocks already, princess? No one else can fuck you this good, huh, whore?”

He presses in slowly, thick cock stretching you almost to the point of burning. But Seokjin knows how to read you and can read every little twitch of yours without you even needing to say a word. He pauses when you show the first signs of discomfort, cock half buried in you and he leans down to pepper you with soft kisses once more as a way of distraction. 

It only takes a few moments for the discomfort to go away, quickly replaced by the growing need for Seokjin to fill you completely and fuck you, make you forget everything but his name. 

“Seokjinnie, move, please.”

He gives you one last kiss before pressing in again until he’s buried in you to the hilt. He groans, burying his face in your neck. “Fuck, all the times I’ve fucked you and you’re still so tight around my cock.” You whine, hips shifting against his when he doesn’t show any signs of moving. He lifts himself enough so he can look down at you. “Such a needy whore, aren’t you? I thought this was supposed to be about me now. Or are you just so greedy now that you have my cock that you can’t help yourself?”

“Greedy. ‘M always so greedy for your cock. Love it so much… You fill me so well, Jinnie.”

Seokjin pulls back until just the head of his cock remains in you and you bite back on another whine at the empty feeling he leaves. He smirks like he can hear it anyway and thrusts all the way in, drawing a moan from you. He starts a hard and fast pace and you chew on your lip to try to keep your volume down. 

Reaching out, Seokjin’s hand caresses your cheek for a moment before his thumb is tugging your lip from your mouth. “Ah, ah. You wanted this, whore. Be loud for me. Let everyone who can hear know who your pretty little pussy belongs to. Let your family know that no matter who they try to marry you off to, your heart and pussy belong only to me.”

You cry out as he thrusts particularly hard and that seems to drive him even more to draw more noise from you. Your nails dig into his back as his hand slips between you both, fingers quickly finding your clit to toy with while he fucks you. 

“Come on, princess. Give me one more. I know you can do it. Cum on my cock, let me feel you, love.”

You tangle your hands in his hair, roughly pulling him into a messy kiss. Your body feels like it’s on fire and his fingers work to quickly bring you to the edge again. He shifts slightly, cock fucking into you at a slightly different angle that has him hitting all the right spots and you cum around Seokjin’s cock with a sob of his name, pussy gushing around his cock and soaking him and his vest that lies beneath you. You cling to him, shuddering as he fucks into you even harder, tears gathering in your eyes as overstimulation is quick to overtake you. Seokjin doesn’t last much longer though, only a handful more thrusts before he spills into you, murmuring your name against your cheek. 

You both cling to each other, panting. You don’t want to move, happy here in this little bubble where you get to be with Seokjin. You feel so warm and content beneath him and full of his cum. He kisses your cheek softly before placing a peck on your lips. 

“You did so well, love. Always so good for me,” he murmurs and your heart skips a beat hearing him call you love. 

He finally pulls out when he begins to soften and you wince slightly. Seokjin notices, hands immediately pushing your thighs apart, fingers gentle as he inspects you, looking for any traces of blood or tears. 

“Fuck, was I too rough? I’m so sorry, princess…”

You giggle, quickly brushing away a tear before he sees. You sit up, pulling his hands away from your swollen, leaking pussy. “You didn’t hurt me, Jinnie.”

He looks relieved and he gives you a small smile. “Good. I’d hate to hurt you, princess.” He takes your hand, standing and pulling you with. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

You frown, pulling back slightly. He gives you a confused look. “Can’t we just… lay here together for a little longer?” you ask softly.

He looks around nervously. “Princess… You know I want to. But if you get caught here with me…”

You shake your head, yanking your hand from his. “I don’t care, Seokjin. Let them catch me. I want to be with you. I’m tired of only getting you like this. Theses… fleeting moments where we sneak away. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up next to you and cook for each other. I want to see you for longer than an hour. Seokjin, I love you.”

He stares at you with wide eyes and it takes you a second to realize why. You had just told him you love him. Neither of you had said that yet. Knowing you couldn’t be together made saying the words too painful, so neither of you had bothered to say it yet. But you know without a doubt that Seokjin loves you just as much as you love him. You can see it in the way he touches you, speaks to you, looks at you.

And you know why you’ve finally said it. If you don’t tell him now, you’ll never get the chance. Because your parents have found a suitable (to them) match for you and you’ll have to move too far away to ever have any hope of seeing Seokjin again. You can only hope that he can be selfish, just this once. For both of your sakes. That he won’t want to be an honorable man right now and will instead claim what’s his. 

The silence stretches and you start to feel doubt crawl up your throat. What if you had read everything wrong? What if Seokjin did this only for the bragging rights of saying he got to fuck someone of a higher status than him. That he tricked some dumb noble girl into falling in love with a commoner. 

Tears gather in your eyes the longer he stands there just staring at you with his mouth hanging open. You try to quickly blink them away but that only makes them fall down your cheeks. You grab the first piece of clothing you find, his shirt, and use it to cover yourself. You suddenly feel too exposed. So close to hyperventilating. You needed to leave.

That seems to finally get him moving. He crosses the space between you both, gathering you in his arms and nearly crushing you in a hug. He presses a kiss to your head.

“You love me?”

You think about lying, but don’t see a point so you just give a resigned nod. His hands cup your face, forcing you to look at him. 

“Truly?”

“Yes.”

Seokjin crushes his lips to yours with enough force to bruise. “I love you too,” he murmurs a moment later, completely unwilling to pull even a millimeter away from your lips. “I love you so much. I’ve loved you for so long. I never dreamed that I could have you as more, that you’d ever love me back. I don’t deserve someone like you.”

His declaration makes you cry more as you press another kiss to his lips. He loves you. Your heart might burst with happiness. But, you have to hope that this means he’ll do whatever it takes to stay with you. 

You pull away slightly, taking his hand in yours. “Jinnie,” you wait until you have his full attention. “Take me with you. Please. I can’t live with my family anymore. They-” You stop yourself. You don’t know if you can tell him their plans. You don’t know if he’ll try to do the right thing despite his feelings. But he deserves to know the whole story. You steel yourself for the worst outcome. “They found someone they want me to marry. I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with you. Seokjin, please. I only want to be with you,” you plead. 

He blinks at you, mouth opening and closing a few times. “You… want to come with me?” His voice sounds so small and you hate it. “But… I’m just a commoner?”

You poke him in the chest. “You listen here, Kim Seokjin. I love you. I don’t care what you are. You are perfect and I won’t have you putting yourself down because you think I deserve better or something. I love you and only want to be with you. So you are just going to have to deal with that.”

He blinks at you for a moment before laughter bubbles out of him, arms wrapping around you again. “There’s my strong girl that I love.” He remains quiet for a moment and you just enjoy the feeling of his strong arms around you. “If… if you’re sure that this is what you want, of course I’d never say no to you, love. It’ll be me and you forever.”

You can’t help the giddy laugh that leaves you as you lean in to kiss him again. “We need a plan then.”

[punkcupcakestyles]

Love Song

Part 16

Catch up!

So, this was skinny dipping

Word count: 20k+

Rushing down the stairs was a bad idea. I knew it as soon as I stepped down into the living room. I could feel pain taking over my body and rising up my spine, and my muscles screamed at me to stop, to just give up. It wasn’t like Harry was looking for me. He hadn’t even left the room, he had let me walk away from him.

And I didn’t know if the void in my chest was because I didn’t care, or because I cared too much. It was a new kind of pain that weighed on my limbs and made my body feel heavy, and as if even breathing drained my energy. My chest burned, feeling tighter with every new breath, and I felt as if everyone around me was looking at me, pointing their fingers and watching as I had a slow meltdown. 

For a second, I thought about giving in and sitting there on the floor so I could cry all of my feelings out. I didn’t need them or had any use for them, no one to pour them out for. Sam was just confused. Harry certainly didn’t give a fuck. Maybe then, I would remember that I was just fine all by myself. And I would remember that love sucked, any-fucking-way. 

“There you are!” If only I had noticed a second before, I would’ve been able to hide, but before I knew, Diana had popped out of nowhere, and she was already making me follow her through the room, as she made her way to the pool, where the lights were brighter, and the air was cleaner. D was wearing a simple blue dress and a leather jacket, and her long blonde hair was thrown into a messy bun. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, and Jesus Christ, she didn’t need it. She looked fucking gorgeous. A tiny little fairy that would bite you if you got too close. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Where were you?” She asked accusingly but waved her hand dismissively before I had a chance to answer. “Y’know what? I don’t need to know. C’mon, we need to take photos for the ‘gram.” 

Usually, I would hastily pull my hand away, and roll my eyes at her so she would notice (and ignore) my annoyance, but this time, I followed meekly. Her touch felt so real, and everything else was so blurry and faded, it was almost comforting. Her hand was small and she had her nails painted a greenish-blue and I made a mental note to ask her for the shade name. 

“Are you ok?” She asked as we came to a halt, and she looked at me expectantly with those huge eyes of hers. And I considered telling the truth, I did. I considered telling her that I felt like my heart had crippled into a tiny ball and that I had a sudden, panicky and crushing feeling that I was destined to live without really knowing what it was like to be loved. But that seemed like the kind of conversation that I would rather not have. Ever. 

“Yes,“ I replied, squeezing her fingers lightly between mine, and trying to be reassuring and believable. It seemed like I had failed, cause she glared at me for a second, and opened her mouth as if she was ready to say something. She sighed, and whatever it was that she was to say hung in the air heavily. “Please, don’t say ‘gram,” I joked, as I resisted the urge to swat the air to dissipate the silence that was screaming at me. 

“I’ll think about it,” Diana smiled softly and rolled her eyes playfully, and I relaxed as a result. I was safe. “Now, pose.”

“Say please…” I teased. 

“Oh, fuck off…” That was all I got. 

I hated taking photos, there was always something to criticize, I always had to think about my smile, my hair, my left cheek which was considerably bigger than my right one and it was only noticeable in pictures. But I did as I was told, and smiled brightly at the camera when I was instructed to do so. What was the point in fighting it anyway? It was easier to sell the dream, I had a lot more to gain from it. I was a happy girl, in the middle of a party to celebrate her boyfriend, Harry Fucking Styles. This girl had her head in the clouds. 

“Good, I think I have it. Y’know what? We should go look for Harry so we can take a few with him. Do you think he’ll be up for that?” It was a good thing that Diana was distracted looking at the photos, cause then she couldn’t notice the sheer panic that crossed my face at the mention of Harry’s name.

No, let’s not look for him. 

If I saw Harry, if I spoke to him, I was going to cry, or worse, I was probably going to beg. The idea alone cut my ego like a knife. But most importantly, I already suspected what the answer was going to be, and I didn’t feel like hearing it.  

Funny enough, we both saw him at the same time. He had changed into a buttoned-down shirt and high-waisted pants, and my heart stopped as he looked in my direction, towering over the room from the middle of the stairs. I wasn’t sure if he could see me, but my knees wobbled a bit at the sight of him. Anxiety took over my body and I kept looking at both Harry and Diana, just to see if she would notice if I just ran away. 

“There he is! Jesus, you two are impossible tonight,” D exclaimed, as she started to make her way to him. I bet she didn’t expect me to grab her briskly and pull her back to me, which made her topple on her feet because her eyes went wild and a little bit murderous when she looked at me. “What?” She spat and at that very moment, I realized that I didn’t have a plan, and if I did, I had only gotten to the first part: getting the fuck out of that house. So I smiled stupidly at her, wishing that my brain worked faster. 

“I’m...I’m hungry, D…” I said. Someone had grabbed Harry for a chat, which probably gave me seconds. I had seconds to leave that house. “I want a milkshake. Can we go get one?”

“You’re on a diet, of course not,” Diana said, and she turned back around, ready to go look for Harry. But I was insistent, and my fingers wouldn’t let go of her arm, keeping her right where she was. 

‘You can lose a pound or two’ were the exact words that the producers had used before they sent me to the most in-demand trainer in the city. So sugar was out and lifting weights, doing 100 squats a day and jumping jacks were in.  

“Then, a burger,” I offered brightly. “I can ask for lettuce instead of bread!”

“You can’t eat meat, S. It makes you all bloated and you know it. What’s going on??”

I was willing to risk it. 

“Nothing, I’m just hungry,” I scowled. It didn’t matter anyway, cause I had lost my chance to leave with some of my pride still intact.

Harry seemed tired and pissed, I could feel the intense waves that rolled off his body as he looked at me. The hinges of his jaw popped up, he was clenching his teeth so hard. A chill ran down my spine and I struggled to look away from him. So our eyes met and I felt myself getting paralyzed as I looked at him getting closer to me. 

I was fully aware that I was an insufferable idiot and that nothing was going to happen. Nor Harry Styles, the singer, or Sofia Welsh-De La Rosa, the actress, could afford the scandal or the unbridled media attention. No, we preferred to control the narrative, it made us look like we had our lives together. So we would simply end the night with smiles and heart eyes on our faces, to Diana, Midge, and Jeff’s delight, and go our separate merry ways as soon as we could.

If he needed me, he could call Diana, and if I needed him...well, I was going to do everything in my power to not need him. 

I took a deep breath to steady myself and repeated mentally that everything was ok. I just needed to play the role, cause that was what everyone was expecting from me: To play the role I had been hired for. Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten that and I was the only one to blame. There was nothing more, even the nights I had spent in his bed meant nothing. I was filling empty spaces, taking a place so it wouldn’t go cold. His sweet words were meant for another girl. His touch just meant to keep him occupied. And I was playing a role, nothing more. 

So, I breathed out and smiled brightly at him, as brightly as the hole in my chest would allow. I had to remember that Harry’s girlfriend was not heartbroken, she didn’t feel the need to cry cause she had gotten her stupid hopes up. She was happy and she was loved by the man in front of her. Everything was right in her world. 

“Hi,” I whispered as Harry stood next to me, and I leaned to him, brushing my lips against his cheek. His breath was sharp and shallow and I could feel it fawning over my skin when he looked at me. It made the little hairs on the nape of my neck stand at attention. Silly me, it almost seemed as if he wanted to kiss me. 

“Can we talk?” He asked in the same whispering tone.

“No.”

“Sof…” Harry sighed, and I chose to ignore him, still smiling at him, which probably frustrated him to no end. 

“D wants to take photos of us. Do you mind?” I asked instead. 

Diana seemed like she didn’t want to get caught in the middle of it, and she cleared her throat awkwardly, looking everywhere but us. It was unlike her, because under normal circumstances, she would be tapping her foot, and crossing her arms over her chest as she impatiently pushed us into place. Right now, she stood there, looking at us and doing nothing of the sort. 

“Well, I, uh, I thought maybe I could take some pictures of you guys acting like a couple, like candids, but, uh, we don’t have to do that,” She said. “But it’s ok if you don’t want to. It seems like you guys have stuff to deal with.”

“I don’t want to,” Harry confirmed. “And Sof, please, let’s talk.”

“We’re good, Harry. We have nothing to talk about,” I said and mentally patted myself on my back for not letting my voice wobble. Harry, on the other hand, didn’t look so happy, not even as I smiled adoringly and sweetly at him. His angry stance was coming back, the kind of anger that bubbles under your skin and waits for the right moment to explode. So I was careful as I looped my arms around his neck, and swayed a bit, my eyes focusing on the small freckle next to his lip. If I leaned closer just an inch, I could kiss it. I could kiss him, slowly and sweetly. 

My knees wobbled again when Harry looked at me. 

Being so close to him was not a good idea, cause he smelled sweet and clean, and his blue shirt was soft to the touch, and for a second there, I pictured myself wearing it wide open, with only a pair of pink lace panties, while I lied on his bed. He would hover over me, pressing kisses on my supple skin as he settled himself between my legs. 

Stop. 

“Then, let me talk.”

His fingers burned little holes on my skin wherever he touched me, and I struggled to pull myself back to reality. I had nowhere to go to, he was all-encompassing, all I could breathe and see. 

“I don’t wanna hear it, Harry. I just want something to show on my Instagram feed, keep people talking.”

“Why would we do that?” Harry’s smile was sad as if he already knew the answer and he didn’t like it, not one bit. 

“Cause that’s how PR relationships work. You need promo, and so do I, so why not?”

“Don’t say that…”

“Oh, I wasn’t the one that said it.”

“Sof…”

“It’s ok. I’m not mad.” As the words rolled off my tongue, I knew I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t mad, I was something else. “But I get it if you don’t want to. I don’t want to get you in trouble with your girlfriend. So maybe I should go.”

“Don’t.”

“And maybe we should keep this as professional as we can. If you need me, you should call Diana. And, uh, yeah, I need to go.” The air was faltering, and I was not going to be able to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill down.

I noticed that Diana stopped Harry from following me, which I was incredibly thankful for. I rushed through the room, and barely made it out and into my car before the panic came. 

It was alright. Everything was just fine. 

****

Sofia Welsh died alone, leaving behind 4 ex-spouses, no kids, and 4 cats she was allergic to, Eeny, Meeny, Miney and Mo. The time and manner of her death remain unknown. A neighbor called the police after the stench coming from her house became unbearable. The myth about her cats eating her face was just that, a myth...

I was going to be a tragic story from Hollywood, wasn’t I? Ryan Murphy would lick his fingers just thinking about it. 

****

@H

Baby, are you ok?

****

@H

Sof, I’m worried, please answer. 

****

@D

Are you ok?

Please let me know if I should reschedule your training this week. 

****

@H

I know you’re mad and it’s my fault, but I can explain

Can I go to your house? It feels like you’ve never told me if I’m allowed to. 

****

@Midge

Let’s talk about your idea of going back to college. I think we can get you into a really good one if you’d like. 

Did you like the car I sent you? You haven’t said anything about it. 

****

@D

Where are you?

****

@Sam

Wanna hang out? I'm bored…

Pizza and Hocus Pocus? It is October after all.

****

@Midge

Fenty wants you for their new underwear campaign. I think it’s a good move. Let’s chat on Friday, lunch’s on me. 

****

@D

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, SOFIA? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

DO NOT MAKE ME GO TO YOU HOUSE LOOKING FOR YOU

CAUSE I WILL

****

@Sam

I just called Cat, she told me you haven’t left your room in days, are you ok?

****

@H

I know it’s late, but I can’t fucking sleep until I talk to you.

****

Good, I couldn’t sleep either. 

I wasn’t even sad, I didn’t feel a fucking thing, but in the worst way possible, where everything hurts, but you just cannot point to what hurts the most, so I was stuck there, suffocating and gasping for air like a fucking dying fish.

I kept watching Schitt’s Creek reruns. The colors from the tv show kept blending in and I looked at it for the first time in a while, wondering how many episodes I had “watched” by now. Mostly, I had been staring at the wall, as I tried to be good and quiet, so slumber would finally come to me. And it did, a few times actually, only to be chased off by the dizzying nightmares. 

I knew I had fallen asleep cause sometimes, when I opened my eyes there was food on my bedside table, a steaming bowl of soup, mac and cheese (no milk, no butter, not too much cheese), broccoli and carrots with chicken and hummus, and every other dish that my nutritionist had previously approved. One time there was even a piece of oreo cheesecake, with the gooey chocolate sauce tempting me to eat it right away. Maybe with a scoop of ice cream. 

I didn’t know if I had eaten any of it. I probably hadn’t. 

4 days without sleep can do mean things to your brain. 

***

Sam could read my thoughts, I was sure of it. 

I opened the door to my room and smiled when I saw him, with his boyish smile that made his eyes crinkle and the stupidly deep dimples on his cheek, standing in front of me. He was wearing a nice button-down shirt, black jeans, and a pair of Air Jordans I had gotten him for his birthday, thinking he looked fly as hell. I still thought they were the ugliest shoes I had ever seen, but Sam seemed to love them. He was holding a medium-sized tube of ice cream, and a plate of freshly done and gooey dark chocolate brownies, my favorites. But it was late, and I probably shouldn’t eat any of it if I wanted to have even the smallest chance of sleeping that night

“Hey,” he whispered and I stepped to the side to let him and closed the door behind him.

“You do know I’m on a diet, right?” I asked him. Sam was already taking his shoes off and propping his feet on my bed, to make himself comfortable. 

“We don’t need to tell anyone.”

“So, the calories won’t count?”

“Of course not. They only count if you worry about them.”

“I don’t think that’s quite how it works.” The corner of my lips twisted into a smile and I made my way to sit on my side of the bed. There was a large space between us, and we both settled on, lying on a sea of pillows. Sam put his hands over his tummy and I could see them rising every time he breathed deeply. 

We stayed quiet for a while, while Sam looked for the exact movie he wanted. When he landed on Hocus Pocus, a childish grin curled up his lips and he turned to me as if he was waiting for me to approve his choice. We had watched Hocus Pocus at least 1,000 times since we were kids, just as we had watched every Halloween themed choice ever since, a tradition that we now shared with my mom and Cat.  

“You look handsome,” I told him. The smell of the brownies made my tummy grumble and I finally caved in, picking the corner of it to eat it. It was still warm, and the outside was crunchy, while the inside was gooey and soft. 

“I was supposed to have dinner with Annie.”

“Oh, what happened?” I asked, pretending that it didn’t bother me. It shouldn’t bother me. But sadness fluttered in my tummy and there was nothing I could do to stop it or understand it. 

“You didn’t answer my texts.” Sam turned to me, with a sheepish smile already on his face. “And Diana called me to ask if I had seen you, so I guessed it was serious and came to check on you.”

“Oh...I’m sorry…”

“It’s ok, Sof. At least, I wasn’t the only one you were ignoring this time.”

“I, uh, I wasn’t ignoring you, Sam.”

“Yeah, you were, but it’s alright. I’m guessing I should figure out the answer all by myself.”

“Sam, I…”

I didn’t know what I was going to say. I just started letting the words out of my lips before I could form an actual answer in my brain. But before I could do that, a crashing sound cut me off, and I was up on my feet even before the echo stopped ringing in the air. Sam followed me, running down the stairs just as fast as I was.

Anxiety had my brain working as fast as it could go, and the worst scenarios flashed in front of my eyes: fire, burglars, floodings, and even a tornado, they all took over my brain for a microsecond. So when we finally got to the end of the stairs, I thought my brain was maybe playing tricks on me. 

Harry was crouched on the floor, as he picked up the shards of a green mug. A dark liquid had spilled all over, and Cat was looking down at him, as red as she could get, while my mom muttered rushed excuses to the boy in front of her, helping him get the broken pieces before someone could get hurt.

“I’m so sorry, you don’t have to do this,” she assured him, but he just shook his head and smiled, that dashing, fucking pretty smile of his, and handed her the pieces he had collected. “It’s alright,” he said, and I felt my knees wobble at the sound of his voice. It was just as sweet and soothing as I remembered it. “It was my fault anyway, I startled Cat.”

What the fuck was going on?

“Oh, honey, there you are!!” my mom exclaimed as she finally noticed my presence. She was standing next to Harry, wearing a bright yellow cardigan over a white t-shirt and a pair of black leggings. Her hair was in one of Cat’s braids, a perfect crown around her head. She seemed happy, her cheeks were a little bit flushed and she looked at Harry with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Look who’s here to see you,” my mom said, almost teasingly. “I was about to call you, but Cat had a little accident.”

The culprit was standing by my mom’s side, as quiet as she could be. Her face was still crimson red, and she was looking down at the floor, unwilling to look at us, especially at Harry. Cat was no longer a kid, she was getting as tall as my mom, and she even used some of my clothes, a full teen among us. But it was as if she wanted to make herself as small as she possibly could right now. 

“It was my fault,” Harry mumbled, but his mind was elsewhere. It was on Sam and me, and the fact that we had come down the stairs together, that it was so late at night and I was just wearing pajama shorts and a loose crop top. Any other time, I would have ventured to say that he was jealous. 

“So, Sam, darling, come with me, help me with dessert,” My mom called and Sam obeyed meekly. “I’m guessing you’re staying for dinner, Harry.”

“I wouldn’t want to be a bother…” Harry smiled at my mom and she beamed right back before she looked at me pointedly. I knew exactly what I was supposed to say. 

“You won’t,” I said to her delight. “It’ll be a pleasure,” I added, just for kicks. Harry smiled at Cat and my mom and excused himself before he followed me upstairs. 

“What do you want?” I asked him as soon as we reached my room and we were out of earshot from my family. 

I had never pictured Harry standing in my room, with his graphic t-shirt and his blue jeans. But there he was, gazing around my pink duvet and lavender pillowcases. He looked at the photo on my nightstand, a picture of my mom, Cat, and I, with the Eiffel Tower shining tall behind us. I had taken us to Paris as soon as I had the money to, and we walked around like crazy, pigged out on overpriced macaroons in a fancy store on Champs Elysées, and got back to our fancy hotel rooms completely knackered every night, with our feet swollen from how much we had walked. My dad had taken us to Paris before, but this time we did it as free women...and Cat. I fucking loved that photo. 

“I was worried,” Harry said.

“You didn’t have to worry.”

“You don’t worry because you have to, you worry because you fucking do,” he shrugged. “And you didn’t answer my texts or calls. And I get you’re ignoring me, but…I just wanted to make sure that you were ok.”

“I’m fine.” I crossed my arms over my chest and sat on my bed, refusing to look at him, with that sweet smile of his, and the concerned frown that formed on his forehead. He had no fucking business looking like that. He had no right to make me feel so much. 

“I’m sorry I interrupted your date.”

“It’s ok,” I replied. I didn’t feel like correcting him, because if I did, I might have to accept the fact that I had spent my days weeping about losing him, and that was not necessary at all.

“But uh, D told me we should set a date to end things. I figured I should talk to you first.” 

Set a date. Oh.

I knew that was the logical step to take, so we could move on with our lives. That way Harry could go back to her, and I...well, I could go back to whatever the fuck I was doing before. Setting a date just made it real. 

The smart part of my brain knew that my heart couldn’t break, it couldn’t do that, not out of love. But still, I could feel it breaking into a billion pieces, and the little shards poking around my chest, so it hurt just a little bit more. 

“I think you should talk to D,” I said, short and to the point, because if I talked too much, I was probably going to cry. And by now, I was fucking tired of crying. 

“Why? I’m not in a relationship with Diana. I don’t give a fuck what she thinks.”

“Technically, you’re not in a relationship with me either,” I offered him a small smile, rubbing my hands on my side in a nervous manner. His eyes followed them and he opened up his mouth to say something, but let a sigh out instead and ran his fingers through his already messy hair. 

“Then be my girlfriend, Sof,” he said softly, just as he gazed up to me. His words caught me by surprise, and I looked at him in astonishment. My heart had lodged itself in my throat, and I had to make an effort to take a deep breath. 

“Don’t be unfair, Harry,” I muttered. I wanted to laugh, but it came out like a dry chuckle, too sad and unhappy to fool anyone. “You need to figure things out before you can ask me that.”

“No,” Harry smiled, softly and sweetly, and I felt my heart break again if that was even possible. “And I’m not being unfair, I’m just…” He stopped when he looked at me, and he bit on the corner of his lips, mulling over his words before he let out a heavy sigh. “I sleep better when I’m with you, and whenever you’re not with me, I miss you and I wanna hear your voice. And I know you do too, ‘cause I hold you tight when you’re having those bad dreams, and I wish you would just open up to me and tell me what those are about, cause I fucking worry. And I know I can’t yell or talk too loud to you, because you’ll get scared, and that you like to pretend you’re living a simple life cause you’re scared about losing everything, but you still rehearse your Oscar’s speech in the shower. And I know you will do anything for the people you love, even telling me to go back to my ex, cause you think that’ll make me happy. So, no, I don’t need to figure it out. I want you to give me a chance.”

No words would come out of my mouth. Not even a sound. I looked at Harry with scarily big eyes, I was sure of it, and remained in my spot on the bed. My fingers curled around the covers and I made a ball out of the fabric, only to smooth it out nervously.

“Sof…Look at me.” I did as I was told, looking at Harry in the eye as he got closer to me until he was standing between my legs and I noticed that there were people having sex in his shirt. He crouched in front of me, and his fingers pressed softly to my thighs, burning tiny holes in my skin. My tongue darted to my lips and I closed my eyes when he took my hands in his. His touch felt so right, so calming and lovely. “Talk to me.”

I was trapped in a vicious circle. His presence made my tummy tight, and I wished for nothing more than to kiss him, slowly, lavishly. Hold his hands and let them embrace me. I was hungry for his touch. But I was also fucking scared, so much that it was numbing. I didn’t know what to do with all of these feelings, didn’t have anyone to look up to when it came to them. If I thought about my mom, well, that wasn’t ideal, selfishness and pain, unrequited love, and a toxic relationship. Most of my life I had spent pining over Sam and even that had been a fantasy. And then came Harry, in all of his glory and all of his brightness, with his sweet kisses and the way he made me feel, and it was so easy to let myself fall. But he chose her, even when he didn’t, and I felt like a second choice secured in a transactional agreement. And it made me feel sick. 

But the thought of letting him go made me feel even worse. 

When Cat opened the door, she found us just like that, holding hands and staring at each other as I struggled to come up with words. She cleared her throat because that was the polite thing to do, and I felt relieved to have found a way out. 

What was I supposed to say? I still didn’t have an answer for that. Cause a part of me wanted to jump into his arms, but the other part, the loudest one, was so fucking scared, I wanted to protect her and tell her everything was just fine. 

“Dinner’s ready,” she said, smiling shyly as she closed the door behind her. 

Fuck. 

My mom was expecting me and my boyfriend to come to join them for dinner, even if I had never told her that Harry was my boyfriend. I wouldn’t even know how to start that conversation, if I was being honest, I had never even admitted to my mom that I liked anyone. My feelings were usually in a box, primly tucked away and safe from everyone. They didn’t matter, cause they were usually unrequited, silly and juvenile, not something to make a fuss about. This time was no different, other than the fact that I was willing to shove whatever feelings I had into the deep end of the box, unlabeled and unexplained until I could forget about them.

“Harry... Could I ask for a favor?”

“You need me to pretend everything’s fine?” He said, not missing a beat as I let his hands go to get up from the bed. I picked up the ice cream tube and the plate of brownies, trying to get myself busy so I wouldn’t have to look at him for too long. If I did, I knew that my knees would tremble. 

“Please...I know it’s weird...”

“Sure. It looks like this is the last time I’ll get to see you, so I don’t give a fuck about weird,” Harry shrugged, and his words took a moment to sink in, making me stop and turn to look at him when they finally did.  

“What do you mean?” I asked, but I didn’t need an answer. Panic was already starting to settle in my bones, making my heart pound so loudly, I could hear the beat. 

“I won’t beg, Sof,” he said simply. He wouldn’t beg and I was a fucking idiot. He didn’t need to add that last part for me to know it was true. A gigantic idiot. 

So, I did the only thing that occurred to me: I got mad. Put the plate and ice-cream down and crossed my arms over my chest as I frowned at him. I looked offended, outraged as if I had the right to be any of those things. 

“But we have a deal, Harry!” I exclaimed and Harry smiled softly at me. He was tired. I was tiring, I knew that. 

“You’re released, Sof. We don’t have to do this anymore.”

“I am a woman of my word, Harry,” I bit, haughtily. “I don’t need to be released. I know you’re in a hurry to rekindle your relationship, but…”

“Oh, fuck off, Sofia,” he cut me off, and I pretty much had to run to keep up with him, as he made his way to the kitchen, where my family was already sitting around the kitchen island. 

Dinner was already served, and plates of pasta and salad were waiting for us. We usually had dinner around the kitchen island, where we had placed six comfortable velvety blue dining chairs, just in case we had any visitors, and I sat in front of Cat and between my mom and Sam if he was around. This time, we were assigned the two seats by the end of the row, right next to Sam. Harry took the spot next to Sam and put his arm on the back of my chair, as he smiled sweetly at me. No one would ever believe that we had been arguing just a few moments before. 

“So, Harry,” my mom said, as she served herself a whole lot of salad, and put almost as much on Cat’s plate. “I’ve been told you’re a singer.”

“I am,” Harry smiled at her, sincerely and warmly. Perhaps he wasn’t used to people not knowing exactly who he was. “I used to be in a band, and now I’m doing my own thing. Have you ever been to a concert, Cat?”

My sister, who was in the middle of biting a huge piece of spinach, was completely taken by surprise by the question, and she put the fork down before gulping largely. Her cheeks were pink and she looked at me for a second, before she looked back at Harry. 

“I went to 1D’s last concert in L.A. Sam took me. Sof was supposed to come with me, but she couldn’t make it,” she said cautiously, readying herself with details in case Harry wanted to check on her story. But Harry looked at me, with a huge grin already curling up his lips. 

“I thought you didn’t know who I was. But you liked me enough to go to one of my concerts, uh?”

Well, that was not exactly what I said. 

“I told you Cat liked your music. And I got the tickets for cheap.” That was definitely not true. They were expensive as fuck, poor little me had to work two shifts forever to pay them up. 

“Oh, c’mon, baby, gimme this,” Harry chuckled and I rolled my eyes, licking my lips and sighing in feigned annoyance before I gave in. 

“I had to save a lot because back then I was a waitress, and I was trying to become an actress and go to college, so every penny counted. But, it didn’t matter, cause Cat and I wanted to go to that concert. That day, I, uh, I worked a day-long shift, cause I was taking the next day off, and I had gotten a call for a really small part in a movie, and they wanted to shoot that afternoon. They told me that I would be in and out in an hour, cause they just wanted to reshoot a small scene, and it had to be quick, but the actress was so drunk, she could barely stand, much less say her lines, so we had to do about 1,000 takes, and we were there forever. So I couldn’t make it to the concert, but, uh, the director told me I was a real champ, and she called me for her next movie, and...here I am…”

“So, I could’ve met you all those years ago,” Harry told me, a small, sweet and sincere smile spreading on his lips. 

“Oh, no, we didn’t have backstage tickets,” I shook my head and laughed, cocking my head to the side as Harry took my hand in his and laced our fingers on top of the counter. 

“I would’ve noticed you in the crowd,” Harry insisted. “You and Cat would have been the prettiest girls in the crowd, I wouldn’t have been able to take my eyes off of you, baby.”

Cat blushed up to her ears. My mom smiled delightedly. I rolled my eyes. 

I would’ve kissed him. I should have kissed him. 

“He is charming,” my mom said, reminding us that they were still there. “And he knows what to say.”

Harry didn’t let my hand go until we started eating and even then, his hand rested on my thigh, the bare skin of my legs covered with goosebumps. I forgot about everything else, about his question and my fears, and I allowed myself to enjoy dinner, and the warmth of the room, and the comfort of Harry’s touch. I felt sleepy and full, and I leaned to him, pressing my forehead to his shoulder as I sighed. He was sweet and familiar, and he was so close that I could press my lips to the curve of his neck. 

I was too satisfied, so much that I could almost ignore the scowl on Sam’s face.

“Harry, would you like to join us to watch a movie?” My mom asked as we finished eating, and after Harry insisted on helping with the dishes. Cat and I were sharing a brownie, while Sam seemed to be incredibly interested in whatever was happening on his phone. “We like to watch Halloween movies in October, and Sam and Sof were watching Hocus Pocus, but I think we could give The Witches a chance tonight. Or maybe Halloweentown.”

“I don’t think I’ve watched any of those,” Harry said, going back to his place next to me and stealing a piece of my brownie.  

“Oh, my God! How could you not have watched The Witches or Halloweentown?” I asked, appalled by the information. 

“I don’t think I have, no.”

“We can no longer be friends, Harry.” 

This made him smile mischievously, and a shiver ran up my spine as he looked at me, leaning back until I could feel his warm breath fanning over my skin. “It’s a good thing we’re not just friends, then,” Harry whispered and my skin covered with goosebumps when his lips softly brushed mine, and he kissed me lightly before he pulled away. 

I was hot red, I was sure of it, I could feel the heat surging from my face, and Harry was enjoying it. His lips were still curled in a wicked smile, which got bigger as Sam looked away from us. 

We didn’t have a proper movie room as Harry did. But we had a ridiculously big TV screen and a comfortable couch full of pillows and blankets, where we usually cuddled up to each other and watched movies and ate pizza. So we went there, and my mom offered a velvety blue blanket to Harry and me, so we could share it. Cat brought popcorn, M&M, sorted nuts, and lemonade, and settled them in the large coffee table in front of the couch, so we could serve ourselves. 

I don’t think I made it to half of the movie before I fell asleep, cuddled up to Harry’s chest, and with his arms looped around my waist. It was easy to do, much easier than when I was by myself. I was lulled by his breathing, and by the lovely warmth of his body. I could feel the rumbles of his chest whenever he talked, and the sweet brush of his lips when he pressed soft kisses on top of my head. 

So when the movie came to an end and we had to get up, my body refused to let him go, and I kept our fingers intertwined as I leaned into his hug. I made him wait until everyone went to their room, as we laid on the couch, cuddled up to each other. 

“Stay,” I whispered as soon as we were alone. I couldn’t see Harry’s face, cause my mom had a whole thing about leaving lights on, but I knew he was looking at me, his whole attention focused on that tiny word. “Please.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, we don’t have to do anything...I just...I’m having nightmares…”

“And you want me to cuddle you to chase them away?”

“Yes.”

“Then, I’ll stay,” he replied and I nodded, cause there was no need to say anything else. 

****

I didn’t have nightmares. Not one. I slept through the night. 

But this was not a typical morning with him. Usually, I would wake up to his kisses, softly pressed to my shoulders, my forehead, my nose, my lips, everywhere he could reach. Usually, he liked to play in the morning, if time allowed. 

It was different this time. He had already woken up and was on his phone. Sleep was still etched on his eyes, and he rubbed them lightly, with a little pout on his lips. He was shirtless, and the sheets were pooling around his waist, and even though I knew he had boxers on, black, tight, fucking inviting, it almost seemed like he was naked. I felt like a creepy intruder. 

“Hi,” I mumbled, bringing the sheets up to my chest as I turned to my side to look at him. Sitting like he was, I could focus on his profile, the sharp edges of his jaw, the couple of freckles that adorned his face, and the way his nostrils flared up a bit around the pointy tip. I liked it when he smiled, but that seemed like a lot to ask under the circumstances. 

“Hey,” Harry replied, putting his phone down on his lap to look down at me. “Did you get some sleep?”

“Yeah...thank you.”

“Why would you thank me?” He asked, chuckling lightly and looking at me with curiosity. 

“For staying,” I said earnestly. “You were right, I do sleep better when you’re around. How about you?”

“I hadn’t slept in 3 or 4 days. I slept through the night yesterday.”

“That’s inconvenient, isn’t it?” 

“What is?”

“That I can only sleep when I’m next to you,” I said in a low breath, lying on my back to avoid looking at him. I didn’t say ‘we’, I didn’t want to assume, or have him correct me and tell me he slept just fine without me. That he had plenty of choices, he was going to survive me. 

“It is,” Harry replied quietly. He looked at his hands for a second, remaining quiet as he gnawed on his bottom lip. “Do you want me to leave?” He asked and I didn’t even need to think about it to know the answer. No, I didn’t want him to leave. It almost looked like he belonged right there, in my room, in my bed, spending his morning with me.

“I think my mom expects you to stay for breakfast, would you mind?”

“No. But that’s not what I asked, Sof. Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes,” I replied in a low voice. Harry nodded and didn’t say another word, but he visibly relaxed and let himself sink a little bit further into the covers, getting closer to me as he did so. I relaxed as well, just now noticing how tense and stiff I was, almost as if I was holding my breath, gauging if I had to run or if I could stay. It was out of habit, the survival instinct kicking in. I wasn’t afraid, though, I knew what fear felt like. 

“So, I’m the first boy you bring home...” he said teasingly, and this time he gifted me with the hint of a mischievous smile. 

“I didn’t bring you home, you came all by yourself.”

“I needed to know you were alright, I was going a bit crazy. And you asked me to stay, and that’s kind of the same thing, innit?”

“Yes, it is. So far, you’re the only person that’s ever mattered enough.”

“So far?”

“Well, once you leave, I’m gonna have to move on, don’t you think?”

Harry rolled to his side until he was lying next to me, and if I turned my head, our noses could almost touch. The air got hotter, and the fiery tension grew around us as I looked at him. His skin looked so tan against the pastel colors of my sheets, and his wicked smile made me shiver all the way down to my curling toes. 

“I’ve already asked you to be my girlfriend, Sof. I don’t know what else you want from me. Do you want me to swear I will adore you? Cause I can do that.”

“I just want you to be happy, H,” I said. I turned my face and looked at the ceiling, just in case I would cry. “It doesn’t matter if it’s not with me. And I’m pretty sure your heart's not in it.”

“I don’t think it’s fair you get to say where my heart is, Sof.”

“I know. But I’m sure you’re gonna thank me.”

“You’re fucking impossible, Sofia,” Harry grunted and I nodded, cause there was nothing he could say to me that I hadn’t already told myself. I bit my bottom lip and grabbed his hand in mine, with barely enough pressure for him to feel my touch, but still, so he could pull it away if he wanted to. I was hoping he wouldn’t. 

“I’m sorry, Harry,” I said. “Please, don’t go. Not yet.”

****

Harry requested my presence every day that week. Most of the time, there weren’t paps around, not even one. Sometimes, we spent time in his house, or Jeff’s, and no one could see us, other than a small group of his friends or his band. 

Diana called it an organic outing, where we relied mostly on candid pictures taken by unsuspecting people. It was better, she said, because it made it seem like a real thing, and not like a desperate attempt to call attention by calling the paps on yourself. She said people could usually tell. 

Harry didn’t really need me, and that night it wasn’t any different, but there I was, smiling to his friends and sitting on a pile of pillows, while I listened to Alexa Chung as she told me about the many times she had seen him naked “by accident”.

There was plenty of food, I had made sure of it, I had put together different tapas and bowls. Whatever I could not get in Harry’s fridge, I ordered and hid the packaging away, which made it seem like I could make sushi and that Harry was enough of an adult to have enough things in his fridge to make a small plate with hummus, pita, and some olives and a really nice cheese board and even mini-sliders that I had made out of scratch (and brioche buns that I had found in a fancy bakery around Harry’s house). It wasn’t all that pretty, and I was sure my mom would be disappointed by my hosting abilities, but I managed, and that’s what matters.

I couldn’t stop stealing looks at Harry, and smile whenever I found him already looking at me. He looked like a fucking Disney prince, with dark, curly hair and emerald eyes. His tattooed arms only added to his charm, the way his ink spilled skin looked against the crispy white of his shirt. 

It had been 9 days, 13 hours, and a few minutes since we had last kissed.

His arms were probably my favorite part of his body. Or maybe it was his thighs, or his eyes and the way they glinted mischievously when they looked at me. Perhaps, my favorite part was his dimples and their simple stubbornness, shining through his cheeks even when he tried to maintain a serious expression. I was also very fond of his lips and his sweet taste when he kissed me. He was fucking glorious and he knew it. 

I had lost count on how many beers I had had already. Maybe 3, but they could easily be 5. I wasn’t much of a drinker. My vision was already blurry and I let my body sway from side to side as I watched everyone enjoy the food and the alcohol we had served. It was a birthday party but I still had no fucking idea who was I supposed to congratulate, so I just smiled stupidly at everyone, just in case. It seemed like my safest bet. 

Harry took his time to join my little group. He was happy when he did so, and he sat next to me, draping his right arm around my shoulders. I took that as an opportunity to get closer to him, leaning back to his chest as I molded myself to his body. Harry’s hand dropped to my waist and went under my shirt, the warmth of his fingertips making me smile as he pinched my skin between them. He giggled and for a second I couldn’t breathe, I liked him so much. 

Harry hadn’t asked again and I hadn’t given him an answer, and it surrounded us like a heavy fog that didn’t allow us to see any further than our own noses, not even each other. I could feel it in the last couple of days when he would barely talk to me when we were alone and most of our interactions were reserved for other people. But it felt nice to spend some time with him, and I took whatever I could get. I was the one that fucked up, anyway. 

But tonight, it almost felt real, we were us, and I could enjoy the warmth of his body and the soothing richness of his voice. 

“Alexa’s telling me about the time you went skinny-dipping in Italy,” I told him. “But I’m not sure I want to hear any more stories about her and my naked boyfriend.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Sugar,” Alexa smiled, looking at Harry and then at me as if she was confirming her statement before making it. “He’s all yours.”

Oh, Sugar had lots to worry about. Her stupidity most of all.

“You should try it,” he whispered, as his friends fell into a comfortable chat and they forgot about us. 

“Getting naked in front of other people?”

“It’s quite liberating,” Harry smiled and I turned to look at him, with narrowed eyes and a teasing smile. 

“I don’t know, it sounds like one of those things that’s a lot more fun when you’re with someone else. So, I’d have to find someone to want to get naked with me first.”

“As much as I hate to say it, I don’t think you’ll have a problem finding someone to join you,” he told me and I shook my head in response. 

“Mmmm, maybe, but I don’t want someone else,” I whispered. 

If he had something to say, I didn’t get to hear it. We looked at each other for a moment, remaining silent as we did so. We knew better than to have this conversation while surrounded by so many people.

3 hours later, we were finally alone. I was trying to tidy up around the house while Harry talked to his few last guests and walked them to their Lyfts. Once they left, and no one was able to see me, I would be free to go as well, to my empty bed and my recurring nightmares.

We weren’t spending our nights together, and I missed him terribly. 

“Sof?” I heard his voice before I could see him. He was smiling softly at me, and I stood there, in the middle of his living room, just looking at him as he made his way to me. 

“Sorry,” I said with a lopsided smile, one that gave away the slight buzz of alcohol that still ran through my veins. “I’ll leave...” But Harry was still smiling when he took my hand, and I felt the electricity that vibrated out of his skin. It felt like a game, following him around the house until we reached the pool. It was a chilly night.

Harry let my hand go as he went to take his shirt off. His tanned skin glimmered under the moonlight and I let myself enjoy his taut body, taking notice of every tattoo that adorned his skin. I was almost done counting them when Harry took his jeans off, followed by his black boxers. 

He was naked, completely so, and I could only stare at him as if it was the very first time I had seen him like that. I was drinking him, devouring his naked body with my eyes as if it were the last time I got to see it. And maybe it was. 

“Are you gonna let me get naked alone, baby?” Harry teased and I saw him as he dove into the pool, splashing around like a cannonball. It was only then that I reacted, my fingers flying to my lace shirt to pull it off over my head and letting my boyfriend jeans fall to my ankles. 

Harry stared at me from the pool, smirking as he watched me unhook my bra and pull my panties off and kick them so they joined the rest of my clothes. I was way more careful than him when I got into the pool and I waded to him, standing there with a shy smile as I shivered from the cold water. 

So this was skinny dipping. 

We didn’t talk, because doing so would mean that we would have to stop kissing, and I didn’t want that. I was the first one to give in, crashing my lips to his and hooking my legs around his hips as his hands settled on my waist. It was a fucking good kiss, one that made me shiver down my spine and sigh against his lips as the taste of them flooded my mouth. 

The water swayed us, and I could feel his naked skin against mine, my chest squeezed against him, and his cock pressed against my center. 

“I can feel your heartbeat,” Harry whispered, and his words grazed over my skin, at the same time he trailed sweet kisses down my jaw, my neck, my collarbones. If I let him go, just a bit, he would have been able to continue his way down my body, but I wanted to kiss him more, just to make up for all of the kisses I had missed already. 

So, I kissed him slowly and smiled clumsily every time Harry would kiss me harder, igniting a fire in the depths of my tummy, that made me press myself closer to him, so I could feel every inch of his body against mine.

Harry moved us easily to the end of the pool, and I huffed down as I felt the cold tiles. My nails raked over his skin and I allowed myself to break the kiss apart, only so Harry could continue kissing down my neck, licking and nibbling on my skin to his delight. The cold air of the night made me shiver and I threw my head back, as a bubble of bliss pressed tighter between my legs. 

“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” Harry smiled and I felt myself buzz with happiness. 

“You’re the fucking gorgeous one, baby,” I whispered. My fingers had nestled on the nape of his neck and I played with the wet ends of his hair, while my nose bumped against his. “Fuck me right here, would ya?”

“Are you in a hurry, Sof?” He laughed. My cheeks felt hot and I looked away, focusing on a lawn chair that was by the far end of the pool. 

“Well, I know I might regret it if we don’t do it. But you’re right, it’s probably a silly idea.”

“I never said that. Don’t let your head tell you that, baby. And by the way, I love it when you call me baby.”

We kissed some more, slowly and hungrily, because I wanted to and because we could. 

We had all the time in the world. 

Harry squeezed my ass and pressed us closer, as his hips rocked against mine, as the water swayed us. He licked and sucked on my nipples, and smirked with every new moan that elicited from my throat. 

“Now you’re just torturing me,” I said. Harry smiled. It was true. 

“I’ll behave.”

“Oh, I don’t want you to behave,” I smirked. Lust flashed in his eyes and he offered me a grin that made my tummy bubble. “Make it worth the drive home while all soaked.”

“I was hoping you’d stay. Help me sleep better tonight.”

“That’s the only reason you want me to stay?”

“I have a few others…”

“Well, as long as you need me.”

It wasn’t long before we were in the room next to the pool. His skin was cold, and little beads of water ran down our bodies. His fingers tangled in my wet hair, and I stepped closer, feeling his chest against mine as his fingers trailed down my spine. There wasn’t much space between us, so I could feel him, his hard cock pressing against my tummy. 

His eyelashes were long and a bit curled, and they fluttered for a couple of seconds as he closed his eyes, giving in to the feeling of my touch. I wondered how it felt for him, as my fingers wrapped around his cock and I squeezed it lightly.

“You’re hard,” I stated, with a mocking smile curling up my lips. He was, and he grunted deeply in acknowledgment. “What are we gonna do about that?”

“I told you, I have a couple of ideas,” Harry replied, his voice low and slow, laced with lust. “And I need you for all of them.”

Harry brushed his lips over my shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to it. My whole body was covered with goosebumps, and my smile faltered, as I became aware of his presence next to me. Everything was heightened, his fingertips running down my bare tummy while he pressed just another kiss on the curve of my neck. “You know what I want to do when we fuck?” He said. His words made me shiver, and I looked at him, drinking every word of his. 

“What?” I asked in a whisper, leaning closer to him as a fiery need grew in my tummy. I wanted to kiss him, a hungry kiss that would leave us both breathless. I wanted to bite him and lick him, just to taste him. Just that thought clouded my mind. 

Harry didn’t answer and he didn’t need to, cause his hand had found its way between my legs. I allowed him to, gasping at the coldness of his fingers against my warm skin. It felt so good. So deliciously good. 

“I always think about you sucking me off,” he said, and his finger slid down my slit, teasingly. “I love the way you look at me when you do it.” I couldn’t look away from him, at his pouty lips and the way his green eyes turned darker and darker. It was like it reflected my lust, and I could see the fire that was starting to consume my thoughts grow in his eyes. 

“Maybe I would even make you sit on my face while you suck me off, baby, would you like that?” Harry asked, pressing a soft kiss on my neck that contrasted with the deepness of his voice. It was so rich, like honey and chocolate, and it made me melt inside, slowly stripping away any doubts that held me back. 

“I would.”

I let go of my lip before it would bleed, and let my tongue soothe the sore spot. With his eyes still on me, Harry let one of his fingers slide down my entrance, seeing how wet I was starting to get for him. He dipped the tip of his finger and teased my entrance with slow circles. If I moved, if I rocked my hips at the rhythm he was dictating, he would thrust the tip of his finger in, and I felt a slight burn in my walls. 

“And then I’d lick that pretty pussy of yours, baby. Get you all wet for me.” I was wet, he could feel it. He slowly let more of his finger in, and he thrust it slowly, looking at me as I parted my lips to inhale sharply. My walls clenched around his finger and Harry smiled widely, adding the tip of a second finger to the pressure between my walls. 

“Fuck.”

“I would eat you out until you came on my tongue,” he continued as if he wasn’t doing enough already. “Would you like to cum for me, baby?”

his cock, large and throbbing, gliding between my folds, getting wet, and slick with my juices, hitting my clit with its dripping tip. I wanted to feel that pressure, my walls clenched just at the thought. 

“I want you to sit on my cock, I want to bite your neck and your tits and play with them while you ride me. You can decide how fast you want to go, baby, how deep you want me.” His voice was just as slow, a secret between the two of us. 

He had stopped moving his fingers in me, and focused instead on my clit, spreading my folds as his thumb drew circles on the little bud. My fingers were trembling, just as my tummy was, as I stroked his cock between them. I could feel him in all of his fucking glory. It was selfish of me, cause I wanted his attention on me, even when I knew he needed me. His throbbing cock told me as much.  

“I wanna taste you,” I whispered. “Can I? Please.”

Harry kissed me before he said anything else, his hot mouth demanding everything I had, he wanted it all for himself. So I kissed him back, cause that was all I wanted to do. Because even if I repeated to myself that I would get over him, deep in my soul, I knew that I would always want more. Just like him, I wanted it all. 

I went faster, pumping him in my hand and letting my fingers brush over his swollen tip every time. Harry grunted, and kissed me harder, sucking on my bottom lip until I moaned, loud enough for it to echo down my body. 

I wanted to get on my knees right there, but he had a different idea and guided us blindly to the bed, where he sat and I stood between his legs, being observed by him with a devilish smile. 

“Go on, then,” he said. 

I got on my knees, pressing my fingers to his bare thigh before I grabbed his cock in my hand, holding him while I licked a bold stripe from his base to his tip and let my tongue swirl around his tip before I sucked lightly on it. Harry whimpered, at the same time that my eyes met his. Just for him to see, I kissed his length with soft, slow, and wet kisses, my tongue licking on the skin sloppily.

A sharp breath got caught in his throat when I took him in my mouth and pressed my tongue to the shaft of his cock, bobbing my head down as I tried to take as much as I could of him. Harry was thick, even I could tell that, and he felt deliciously heavy on my tongue, his sweet taste almost exhilarating. 

“Fuck, baby, get on the bed.”

I almost refused, cause it all felt so fucking good, but I obeyed, popping him out of my mouth long enough for me to climb on the bed and kneel beside him. Harry didn’t waste any time. His lips attached to my nipple, sucking on it while his hand gripped to the back of my thigh, sliding up until he could brush his fingertips over my soaked slit. Harry licked the other nipple, at the same time his fingers slid between my folds and he thrust two of them in, while his thumb pressed to my clit. 

He was distracting me, to say the least, and heat pooled in my lower tummy, pulsing quickly as Harry pumped his fingers inside me and massaged my throbbing clit. My hand went to the back of his head, and I tangled my fingers in his hair, while the other tried blindly to grab his cock. 

“Harry, please,” I begged. My breaths were shallow, and my stomach quivered quickly, feeling tight as the pressure between my legs grew to a pulsing fire. “I wanna suck you off, baby. I want you to cum in my mouth, yeah?”

I could feel him smile against my skin, and he let my nipple go, peering up to me to offer me a smirk. Go on, his eyes said, and I bent down and sucked lightly on the tip of his cock. It was swollen pink, and I could taste the salty drops that gathered there. I wrapped my fingers around his base, and I squeezed a little, before I started to pump his cock in my hand, as I sucked on his tip and let my tongue press flat to his shaft to bob down just slightly. 

If I looked up, I could see his bleary eyes and the way his mouth hung slightly open. Our eyes met and it was then that he started to work his fingers again on me, thrusting his fingers in my wet center slowly, while his thumb played lazily with my clit. 

I closed my eyes, cause my walls were clenching and my stomach quivered, deliciously, blissfully. You surrender control over your own body for just a couple of seconds, letting the other person tip you over the edge, as they please. 

“Fuck,” I whimpered. It was the only thing I managed to say, because Harry put his free hand on the back of my head, and pushed my face down lightly, so I would take more of him. 

“Fuck, baby…” Harry moaned in a strangled whisper. “Fuck, Sof…”

I didn’t know what I was doing, so I chose to be sloppy, to moan and show him just how much I was enjoying it. Harry’s hips bucked up and I gagged a little bit, digging my nails in the meaty part of his thighs as he rocked them and his fingers went faster and rougher on me. I could feel that edge coming, the bliss that started in the lower part of my stomach and pushed down to my legs, so everything felt tighter every time my walls clenched, and that took over my legs and ran down to my feet to make my toes curl. I was unable to talk, my body could barely keep focused enough for me to keep touching him, 

Harry’s stomach tensed, and the muscles of his legs flexed and he tipped his head back as his high hit him. I could feel his taste flooding my senses, and I kept sucking the tip of his cock and stroked him with a tight hold, helping him ride his pleasure for a little longer. His bliss came in waves, and he smiled as he pulled my hair back, the thrust of his fingers becoming just as lazy and slow as the rocking of his hips into my mouth. 

Harry dropped to the bed when he came down from his high. His hot skin was clammy and his breaths heaved on his chest, but he looked at peace and happy, and he barely opened his eyes when I straddled him and kissed his neck softly. I looked him in the eyes and felt the heat of his skin against mine. His fingertips were brushing my leg, making their way up to the round of my ass to settle there. I kissed him once more, on the lips this time, and shuffled away from him, ready to leave the room and pick up my clothes that were still bunched up in a pile next to the pool. 

“Love?” Harry said and I turned to look at him, still lying on the bed. “Come back to bed.”

****

Nashville was certainly a new city to add to my ever-growing list of cities I should come back to later and give myself a chance to know. But it was all a whirlwind, we went from the airport to the hotel, so Harry wouldn’t be seen. It was a surprise, after all. 

Harry had asked me to come with him to Nashville, or well, he had asked Diana, who had agreed for both of us. He had a few meetings there, and he was planning to join his friend Kacey Musgraves in closing her concert in the Bridgestone Arena. I had no idea what that was, and I was pretty sure I had never heard any of her songs before, but it felt like a big thing, but I found it very exciting. It was the first time I had an actual chance to see Harry do his own thing. 

But if I felt as if we had gone back to normal, I was sorely mistaken. 

I had gone back to my house after that night because it felt like the safest thing to do and because Sam had called me, to let me know that my mom had one of her migraines after she had seen someone had been lurking around the house. She was sure it was my dad. She was now in her room, he said, feeling indisposed. I didn’t tell Harry that, he didn’t need to know, I just rushed home after talking to Sam. 

Harry hadn’t asked me to stay or tried to contact me in any way. He hadn’t even taken my calls. I wondered if he was expecting me to make a grand gesture. Or maybe, he was bored the night of the party and had gotten his fun already. I wasn’t sure of which one was it, and so the fear was paralyzing. 

“You hungry?” Diana asked on our way to the hotel. We were all riding in the same car, Jeff, Harry, Diana and I, and Diana was sandwiched between the two of us. She was asking me, but I took my time to answer, wondering how long it had been since I had a full meal. The last one I could remember was having lunch with Harry on a Friday, the same day his Lights Up video came out. We ate burgers because I was about to start my diet, and I needed to say a proper goodbye to food.

I had barely eaten after that day. I had barely slept. It was hard to do any of those things when you’re empty inside. 

“No.”

Harry looked at me for what felt like the first time that day. Maybe he was now just remembering that I had told him I wasn’t hungry when he offered to make breakfast for the two of us, or that I hadn’t eaten anything while we were with his friends. 

I looked away from him and to the city that was in front of us. 

It was almost night already, and I knew I couldn’t go out to walk around because that would mean potentially ruining Harry’s surprise. Harry and I were supposed to share a room, but it didn’t seem like he was willing to share his bed with me, so I was mentally ready to sleep on the couch (he was the one that needed a good night rest after all), and watch The Crown all night long. If Harry came out, I could pretend to be asleep.

We couldn’t get fast enough to the hotel, I felt like I was suffocating in the car.

I was wearing a black hoodie, a bit large on me, with the letters TPWK embroidered in rainbow colors over the left side, a pair of leggings, and red converses. I had makeup on, a light beat consisting of tinted moisturizer, cream blush, cream highlighter, mascara, and sheer gloss over a pink nude lipstick, that Diana had insisted on putting on during the flight. My eyebrows were done, and I had even gone through the effort of putting an array of fake freckles on my face. This way, if someone saw me, I was officially wearing Harry’s merch, looking flawless and effortless, as if I was born looking like that. 

My hair, on the other hand, needed Jesus, so I had put it in a tight bun that was surely going to give me a headache. 

Harry and I got ahead, getting to the elevator as Diana and Jeff stayed behind, discussing our remaining outings before we ended things. By early January Harry would be a free man, free to get with whoever he wanted. 

That didn’t hurt, not at all. 

The ride in the elevator was silent. Harry leaned the weight of his body against the mirror wall, looking at his phone and biting his bottom lip as he did so. I twisted my fingers and waited impatiently for us to reach our floor. 

I was suffocating. 

On the tenth floor, the elevator opened its doors and two girls looked wide-eyed at us. They were frozen and their eyes jumped from Harry to me, and I was sure they wanted to pinch us, just to see if we were real. I stepped to Harry’s side and beckoned them to get in. My fingers brushed Harry’s hand and heat ran down my body. I peered up at him, but it didn’t seem like the same had happened to him. The girls snickered and kept throwing obvious glances at us, which felt a lot better than straight-up ogling. It had happened to me. It was never nice. 

We finally got to our floor and we flashed a smile to the girls before hopping out of it. The screams rang in the air as soon as the doors closed behind us, and I prayed that they wouldn’t jump in there, but honestly, they probably did. 

Harry opened the door to a large suite, with window walls that allowed us to see the city. The room had a large grey-blue couch, filled with blue and white pillows, a guest bathroom, and a small studio area, with a white desk and a hanging lamp over it. On top of it, there was a small library, with a few books about the city’s music and food. There was a door to the room, and I peeked into it when Harry opened it, and I got to see the king-sized bed and a blue velvet armchair. The door to the inner bathroom was opened and I could see that there was a large tub in it, as well as a ridiculously big shower. 

I put my things on the couch and sat on it looking out at the city as Harry went into the room. What should I watch on Netflix? Maybe I should just browse Amazon Prime, I was going to be one of their stars pretty soon. I picked one of the pillows on the couch and pursed my lips in disappointment when I realized it was a bit too stiff. I already knew I wasn’t going to sleep that night, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to be comfortable. I also needed at least one blanket. So I got up and went to the room, as Harry went into the bathroom. He had pulled some clothes out, a pair of jeans, black boxers, and a lace shirt, and placed them over the bed. I stared at them and my feet only agreed to move when I heard Harry’s footsteps coming into the room. I bolted to the head of the bed, picking one pillow and pressing it to my chest before I looked at him. 

“What are you doing?” He asked and I blushed in response. 

“I, uh, I need a pillow. Are you going out?”

“Yeah, I’m having dinner with Kace.”

“Oh…”

He wasn’t inviting me, why would he? Everything went so well just a few nights ago, what had happened? How had he got tired of me so fast?

“Why would you need a pillow?” Harry asked, being kind enough to ignore my bleary eyes. It wasn’t intentional, and I looked away, shuffling between the sheets as I pretended that I was looking for something else. 

“It’s cold in the living room,” I explained. 

“So?”

“I’m sleeping there. You have a big day tomorrow, and I have nightmares. Don’t wanna be a bother.”

Harry rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. He picked up the clothes from the bed and walked to the bathroom, leaving me alone in the room. I rushed to get the blanket and got out. 

Now I wasn’t just suffocating, it hurt to breathe and tears spilled out of my eyes without my permission. I cleaned them off my face, and sat on the couch, turning the TV on as loud as I could so Harry wouldn’t hear me struggle to breathe. 

I don’t know what I was expecting or why I had agreed to come. I had my answer: He was bored and ready to get rid of me. 

Silly heart, don’t worry, it’ll get better. Someday. It had to. I could stop planning my big confession, there was no need for it. 

Harry smelled fresh and clean when he got out of the room, and his perfume lingered in the air. I barely lifted my eyes to look at him, pretending to be too focused on the movie I had on. I didn’t know which one it was, but it was noisy, and that checked all of the boxes I needed right then. 

“Don’t wait up,” Harry said on his way out, and I nodded. I was thankful for the numbness. “And Sof? You should eat something. Please.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said, looking up at him. He looked gorgeous. So fucking gorgeous. His hair was swept back, which didn’t mean much, cause as soon as it had the opportunity, it was going to fall over his forehead. There was a white shirt under the lace one, and I could see the wing of the sparrow. Harry nodded and pursed his lips, but said nothing, closing the door behind him as he left. 

I wasn’t hungry. 

I had confirmed I had lost him about a week ago, before the birthday party. I wasn’t stupid. Something had shifted between us. So, every day, after I got home, I told my mom I had already eaten, and got to my bedroom, staring at the wall while I hoped to sleep that night. Every time, I woke up in the middle of the night, after just a few hours, or even minutes of rest, with my mouth open and my heart racing, screaming internally, after I violently shifted in my bed. The nightmares were many, some of them about my past, and some about my future. In two weeks, I had only slept twice through the night, both when Harry was in my bed. 

Tonight wasn’t going to be any different, so there was no point in trying. 

****

@FionaB @harrystyles is the most charming man I’ve ever met! 

He just asked me to join him for a drink and if I was staying in a nearby hotel! 

@ThisisHanna For real? You’re so lucky!

@commonclown Wait, isn’t he dating @sofwelshdlr?

@FionaB @commonclown is he? He didn’t seem to remember, lol

@juliawhite @sofwelshdlr look at this!

@TracyB oh, please, girl, you’re lying 🤥 

@brokendoll pics or it didn’t happen.

@FionaB @brokendoll of course I didn’t take pics! I was too busy flirting with Harry Styles!! 🤣

****

Harry got back at 1:46 in the morning and I pretended to be asleep when he checked on me. He turned the tv off, and took my phone out of my hands to put it on the coffee table, and rearranged the blanket around me, to tuck me in better. I could feel the beer and the vodka in his breath. 

He went to his bedroom and closed the door. 

****

I slept from around 4:35 to 6:07 am, when I sat on the couch and stared at the city. I had taken my shirt off, and was in a sports bra and a pair of black shorts, with fuzzy socks that didn’t match anything. I had a cup of coffee in my hands, black with sugar, and I enjoyed the warmth of it against my fingers. It felt nice. 

“You do know coffee does not replace breakfast, right?” Harry asked, I turned to look at him, he was shirtless and wearing a pair of gray sweatpants, that hung a little too low on his hips. His hair was messy and his lips were pouty, still swollen from sleep. 

“I’ve been told.”

“We should eat waffles and fried chicken,” he offered with a smile, serving himself a cup of coffee that I had left for him. 

“I’m not…”

“Hungry, I know.” He said, too tired to have that conversation. I almost felt like apologizing. Harry sat on the couch, holding his cup of coffee as he looked at me. It wasn’t a lustful look or even a charming one. He was inspecting me. I looked awful, he shouldn’t do that. “Why are you up so early?”

“I wanted to talk to my mom before she started her shift at the hospital. She didn’t answer.”

“How is your family? Your mom, Cat, Sam?”

There was an edge in his voice as he mentioned Sam’s name, but I chose to let it go, shrugging my shoulders as I replied with a laconic “They’re fine.” I was too focused on the way he was looking at me, and I sat on the couch to stop him from staring at me any further. 

“Can I go to rehearsals with you?” I asked, redirecting the conversation to a better place. I was hoping to spend the day with him, maybe even watch him eat the damn waffles and fried chicken. 

“Yeah, I’d like that. And Kace wants to meet you, she wants to know if Chris Evans is a good kisser,” he said and I smiled brightly, like a child that had had her wish come true. So easy to please. 

My phone buzzed right next to Harry, and he looked down at it as I went to pick it up. He probably noticed Sam’s name flashing on the screen. I jumped up on my feet and avoided Harry’s eyes as I answered the call, turning to the window to continue looking at the city. 

“Hey, Sam,” I said. 

“Hi, sorry to call you so early,” I heard him say. There was a nervous hint on his voice, too bright and smiley, even miles away. It made me nervous, heightened my senses as I waited for the blow. “Did I wake you up?”

“No.”

“The nightmares?”

“I didn’t let them come.”

“Oh, yes, that is a very sensible solution, not sleeping at all.” 

“Sam…”

“I’m sorry,” he smiled. I could see him, blushing and looking down at the floor as he realized he was rambling. He always did so when he didn’t want to deliver bad news. “It’s just that...well, remember that man I told you about? The one that was lurking around your house?”

Fuck. 

“Yes, I do.” My heart had already stopped, knowing what was to come. 

“Well, it was your dad. He came last night, your mom opened the door.”

“Oh.” Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“Cat told me she paralyzed, Sof, I’m sorry. He told them that he was going to ask for Cat’s full custody. Your mom has been in her room ever since, and Cat asked me to come and spend the night, just in case.”

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

“Ok,” I said in a calm voice, even though I was fully panicking inside. “So, what do you think?”

“That you need to move.”

“Ok, so we’ll look for a house when I get back. We can move as soon as we find one,” I told Sam. I was already running scenarios in my mind, picturing a fully armed guard posted by my door 24/7. Too harsh? Maybe. Unnecessary? I wasn’t sure. Electric wiring came to mind as well. 

“Yes, that sounds like a great plan. And I’m really sorry, Sof.”

“Thank you, Sam, for everything,” I whispered. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I hung up and sighed, inhaling deeply and closing my eyes for a second before I turned around. My family was safe, I was safe. Everything was ok.

I turned to look at Harry, who had gotten up from the couch and gone to stand by the little “kitchen” counter. One couldn’t cook in there, but there were a coffee machine and cups and little plates, and Harry’s cup was already on it. He was looking at me, with such visceral eyes that I shuddered. 

“I was thinking…” he said. “Maybe it’s not a good idea for you to come to rehearsal.”

“Oh,” was all I could say. I didn’t have enough energy to even ask why. The air was too heavy and I could suddenly feel it weighing down my shoulders. I didn’t feel like being alone all morning. I needed Harry more than I had ever needed him before. “It’s ok. Can I still go to the concert? I was looking forward to seeing you perform.”

“Whatever you want,” Harry shrugged in response.

****

The venue was packed. I don’t know why that surprised me. 

The room was vibrating with excitement, and joyful chatter and I bobbed my head to the sound of the music. Kacey was already on stage, and I could see her in a little monitor, looking gorgeous with her pink outfit. It was pretty much like a movie set, people running around and shouting while she performed as if everything was perfect. 

Harry was getting ready, but he had barely acknowledged my presence since I got there, so it wasn’t like he was going to talk to me anyway. 

Once Harry walked to the stage, I was supposed to sit in a VIP booth, secluded from the crowd, but visible enough so people would notice me. 

I had considered the possibility of not coming. I had spent most of the day by myself, walking around the vicinity of the hotel, so I wouldn’t drive myself crazy. So I wouldn’t have to think about Harry, or my dad, or my mom, or the way that everything in my life seemed to be imploding. 

I walked until my feet hurt and I knew that I was gonna be in pain the next day. The hours that I still had before the concert I burned playing with makeup I had bought and listening to heartbreak songs. 

But even if I decided not to go, Diana would have never allowed me to. She knocked on my door when it was time and waited impatiently by my side as I finished putting my makeup on. I was taking my time, my lips were red and my eyes smoked out pink, cause tonight I didn’t feel like being discreet. I had put on a pair of black jeans, and a leather jacket, and a soft pink top, and my hair was in a loose braid that would not survive to the end of the night.

So, there I was, staring at Kacey Musgraves on a tiny monitor, while Harry ignored me. 

“Harry, you’re up in 5!” Someone yelled and my heart raced at the idea of finally seeing him. I turned, smiling brightly despite myself, and walked to him to wish him luck.

He looked stunning. His black pants reached his waist and the open chest of his shirt accentuated his tan skin. I stopped, waiting for the crowd around him to dissipate, but that didn’t happen, because they dragged him out to the stage before I even got close. 

Harry looked back, right before stepping out of the doors, and I smiled when our eyes met. Then, he was gone. 

If the crowd was expecting Harry, they hid it well. The arena roared as soon as the lights went out and Harry came into the stage mid-song. The energy electrified the air and I got goosebumps, looking at him singing along with his Kacey. The crowd sang along with them, and I wished I knew the lyrics, smiling widely when he sang and waved at the crowd, and even laughed at his Yeeehaw scream. It lasted less than 5 minutes, but I was probably going to remember that night for the rest of my life. 

It was the night when I finally accepted that I lost him, and the night where I had seen him shine as bright as only he could. 

“Can I stay here?” I asked Diana, as I saw her getting ready to go backstage. “I want to see the rest of the concert.” 

She narrowed her eyes and looked at me, licking her pink lips as she leaned closer so no one would hear her. 

“Why? You don’t even like country music.”

She was right. I also didn’t like feeling small. 

“Please.”

Diana nodded and got back to her spot, begrudgingly staying to enjoy the show. There was whiskey in her breath, which they kept offering us backstage, calling it Tennessee Whiskey with a wink on their faces. I had no idea what it meant. I had a couple of drinks anyway. 

I didn’t leave until Kacey did, and I stayed behind while everyone in the room clapped for her. Harry was already wearing a white cotton shirt and he smiled sweetly at his friend and hugged her tightly, whispering words to her ear. 

“Oh! So she’s the famous Sof!!” She exclaimed when I approached and she opened up her arms to me, smiling as she waited for my hug. “Jesus, the camera doesn’t make you justice.” She rubbed my back and pulled me close, and I hugged her back. 

“It was a lovely concert,” I smiled when she let me go. “Thanks for having me.”

“It’s alright, Sugar, I couldn’t wait to meet you.” she looked at her friend and smiled mischievously. “Harry’s smitten.”

“Good,” I said, looking at Harry as I did. A small smile curled at the corner of his lips, gone so fast that I could have easily missed it if I blinked. “So am I.”

“Disgustingly cute. Are you coming to the party, babe?” She asked, already looking somewhere else, she was being called. 

“I…”

“Sof’s tired, Kace, she can’t come,” Harry interrupted me and I looked at him with eyes wide with surprise. I was not, I was full of energy and I was hoping I would get to spend some time with Harry, even if it was just looking at him from afar. It took me a second to recover, to understand what was going on, and I smiled at Harry and Kacey, just as another piece of my heart broke. 

“Oh, are you sure?” Kacey pouted. 

“Yes, I uh, I spent the night reading new projects.”

“Oh, well, that’s the life of an artist for ya. You don’t mind if Harry comes for a little while, do ya?”

“Oh, no, please, have fun! I’ll just, I’m heading back to the hotel.”

“Next time you’re in Nashville, you and I will party until the sun rises the next day, promise?”

“Absolutely, as a matter of fact, we should schedule it right now!”

Kacey laughed and waved us away before she walked and made her way to a different group of friends. 

“Can I say something before I leave?” I asked Harry, who was actively avoiding my eyes. I wondered how we must look, standing awkwardly by each other’s side while no one looked the other in the eyes. “I think you were fantastic. I liked the duet.”

“You did?”

“Yes! I hope I get to see you at a concert someday when this is all over. I’ll probably skip next tour, tho.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause, it will take me a while to get over you. But don’t worry, I’ll be ok.” A smile broke on my face, cause I knew I wasn’t lying. It might take me some time to lick my wounds, but I was gonna make it. I always did. And someday, I was gonna try again. 

****

I texted Diana to let her know that I had gotten my own room and that I was going home on the first flight in the morning. I had already bought the tickets. I didn’t know if she was going to read it, because she was already dizzy and drunk when I left for the hotel, but I felt better letting her know. I also significantly decreased my chances of being murdered that night. 

There was one perk of being famous: you could get things you usually wouldn’t. Like a fried chicken sandwich, with cheese and bacon, fries, and a chocolate milkshake with a cherry on top, when the kitchen was already closed. Even if you’re not going to eat it. 

My new room was on a lower floor, so I didn’t have the same view Harry did, but I was still sitting by the window, with the TV as background, as I read a thriller book on my iPad. It was called The Last Mrs. Parrish, and maybe it was not the ideal book for my already sour mood, but I was in a rush to finish it, cause I had a hunch it would be a perfect drama series for me to become a producer. It was an idea that had started to run my mind in one of my sleepless nights, feverish, and fuzzy. This night was just as good as any to start shaping my idea up. I was supposed to spend 2 more days in Nashville, as Harry had a few meetings, and he wanted to see if he could visit some friends, so I was wondering if I should just stay, and finish the book there. But I had already booked my flight, 7 am the next day, and my poor heart was not up for anymore hurting. 

There was a knock on the door and I was tempted to ignore it. I continued reading for a few more seconds, hoping that they went away. I was pretty damn comfortable and cozy under my blanket, and if I moved just an inch, I would never get back to being as comfy. There was a second knock, and I grunted, scrambling to get up and walk to the door to open it up. 

It shouldn’t have surprised me when I saw Harry, leaning into the door frame with one hand, while the other was resting over his hips. He had just showered, his hair was still wet, and he was wearing a simple white shirt with grey sweatpants as if he had gotten ready to sleep when he remembered I was supposed to be sharing the room with him. I was about to close the door on him when I noticed two girls staring at us, trying to hide behind a large plant in a far corner. So I stepped to the side and allowed him in without saying a word. 

“Diana told me you had asked for your room,” he said. 

“I did,” I nodded. Harry followed as I made my way back to the window, and sat down on the floor, right next to me. I pulled the blanket over my legs and picked the iPad to prop it on my lap, as Harry picked one of the cold fries and bit into it. He made a sour face, before he put half of it back, and leaned over the plate to inspect the food. My heart raced as he picked up the orange bottle with the white cap, filled with white little pills. He looked at the label and then, turned to me with a deep frown etched between his eyebrows. 

“Did you order this and didn’t eat it?” He asked, which was the safest question I could get. 

“I ordered and then realized I didn’t want it.”

“Have you eaten something today?” Harry pressed. 

“I ate something,” I shrugged. “And don’t worry, you don’t have to pretend you care anymore.”

“What are you talking about, Sof??”

“I’ve realized that I’ve been selfish,” I started, licking my lips as I tried to organize my thoughts and remember the words that I had practiced and repeated a billion times since I left the concert venue. “And that I should’ve let you end things that night at my place. So, I’m doing that, you’re released. And now, you don’t have to pretend you worry if I don’t eat.”

“Or if you take sleeping pills.”

“I bought that on my way to the hotel and then decided against it,” I explained despite myself. “But, no, you don’t have to worry about that either.” 

Harry looked at me for what it felt like an eternity. There was a pang of sadness in his green eyes, and I had to restrain myself to not kiss his cheek and tell him that it’d be alright. He looked like a lost kid.  

“I have a request,” I said, following the script I had set for myself. If Harry just followed it, it would be amazing.  

“What?” He said, and I smiled at his unintentional good behavior. 

“Can you wait for a little bit before you officially get back with your ex? I mean, publicly. I know it’s not fair, but I…I don’t think I can handle that.”

“Would you do the same?” Harry asked and I almost laughed.  

“I’m not worth all the trouble I am, and I’m not getting in a PR relationship again, so…” I shrugged. Harry was too serious, looking at me with concern and sadness and I couldn’t bear it. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Don’t say you’re not worth the trouble.”

“Jesus, I’m not,” I rolled my eyes, as Harry got closer and his fingers brushed over mine before he pulled them away. Maybe he remembered that we weren’t supposed to be doing anything like that. “Can I tell you a story?” I asked, and I put the iPad down to turn to him. This was not a part of my plan, but I wanted to tell him this, let him know what he meant to me before he went away. 

“Please, so I don’t have to go to my room so soon.”

“Ok, so when I was little, my aunt Laura, she was my mom’s little sister and my favorite person in the entire world, she usually told me “don’t just settle for any man, love should be special” and stuff like that,” I was smiling at the memory, and I could see the little dimples on Harry’s cheeks as he looked at me. “She never got married and she couldn’t stand my dad, so she wasn’t allowed at my house. But she went anyway, it was our little secret. One day, my dad got home earlier and he found her there, so she took me to my room and went back down to talk to my mom and dad. Before she left, she told me to go to my special place.” There was so much I didn’t notice back then. So much I could’ve done. I could’ve screamed. I could’ve told. 

“You had a special place?”

“It was my closet. My mom put pillows and a lantern in there, so I could read. I was supposed to be safe there,” I explained, rolling my lips into my teeth and inhaling deeply before I let out a big sigh. “So, that night, I hid in my special place, and I brought with me a pen and a pink notebook, ‘cause if love was supposed to be so special, well, I needed to fall in love with someone special, right?”

“Sure,” Harry smiled, nodding solemnly. 

“So I started to draft my list of things a boy should be before I allowed myself to fall in love with him. I was obsessed with the movie Practical Magic, so of course, my special boy had to have a green and a blue eye, and stupid stuff like that. You think I’m crazy yet?”

“Not because of this, no,” Harry grinned and I rolled my eyes, laughing when I pushed him lightly. But he took my hand and pressed it to his chest, and I could feel his heartbeat under my fingertips. “Keep going,” Harry said. 

“So, uhm…” Lost, I was lost. “So, I met Sam, and I knew as soon as I did that he was always going to see me as his little sister. So I added him to my ‘special boy’ list. So he had to be kind and always be there for me, and like soccer, but be really bad at it. And Cat had to like him, cause she followed Sam around as if he was made out of light and she was his little moth. And he had to...he had to protect me, he had to be willing to leave town on a rainy night, with my crying little sister on his backseat,” I shook my head as if that would chase the memories away, but no, nothing could ever do that. “So we moved to LA, and I met all of these guys and I was never even interested, ‘cause Sam was the one for me.” Harry squeezed my fingers softly and I looked at him, suddenly aware of how close he was, and how familiar his body felt next to mine. I had never told anyone any of this, and I wasn’t sure why I was telling him, but I kept going because I didn’t want him to go to his room. 

“And then I met you, and that day in D’s office, my heart went ‘oh, fuck’,” I laughed. “And I was sure you were never going to say yes, but you did. And then you kissed, and I knew I was fucked, even when we were surrounded by cameras. When I heard about your ex, I knew you were never going to love me back, you were never going to be mine, but I still kept adding things to my list: the boy has to make me go to bed with a smile, and hold me tight when I have nightmares. And the butterflies, man I really love those fucking butterflies... And he has to be a little bit smug and cocky, just because he knows who he is and what he has to offer, and he has to make me just a little bit dizzy when he looks at me.” I found myself smiling at nothing, and I slowly came back to reality, looking at Harry and clearing my throat as I did so. “So, yes, I’ll just have to wait a little longer and I’m sure I’ll just keep adding things to that list...but, someday…”

Harry kissed me before I could even realize what was going on. I gasped sharply into the kiss and scrunched my eyes closed as I shifted to him, getting to my knees to straddle him, and push him back against the couch. Harry smiled at my sudden enthusiasm, and he let his hands fall to my hips and his fingertips dig on the meaty curves of my ass when I sat on his lap. I took the opportunity to push my fingers into the wet ends of his hair, and tilt my head so we could deepen the kiss, and his tongue swept across my bottom lip before he did as I wished. 

“You were fantastic in the show,” I whispered as we broke the kiss apart, and I pressed my forehead to his. Harry chuckled and the warm puffs of his breath made my skin fill with little goosebumps. 

“I couldn’t stop looking at you, Sof.”

“Then why didn’t you let me come to the party?”

“‘Cuz I was scared, and really fucking angry at you, at myself.”

I kissed him, softly and slowly, little kisses pressed to his lips as he smiled so much that he forgot to kiss me back for a moment. But when he did, he kissed me hard, parting my lips to play with my tongue. His hands spread over my ass, pushing me closer to his bulge. I hummed at the feeling and kissed him with just as much urgency. My body came alive with his touch, a fire that traveled from the tip of my head to my toes. Everything felt heightened, the way he brushed his fingertips under my shirt, and the little kisses he trailed over my jawline and down to my neck. I could feel the bit of stubble on his face and the curling pressure of his fingers as he tried to close the little space between us. 

“Get up,” Harry whispered against my lips. 

“Are you leaving?”

“No, baby,” Harry replied, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. “I just want us to go to the room, is that ok with you?”

I nodded, ‘cause there was nothing better I could imagine, even if I tried, even if my mind weren’t all fogged up and fiery. 

Although, the couch would’ve worked too. 

Harry didn’t let me think. He helped me up on my feet and took my hand in his to guide me to the room. The butterflies fluttered tightly in my tummy and my heart seemed ready to send out the fireworks. 

“We can just kiss,” Harry smiled and I had to wonder if he could feel my heartbeat in my fingertips. 

“Yes, I’d like that.”

The corner of his lips got trapped between his lips and he looked at me. Sadness was long gone and now something like happiness danced in his green eyes, which made the butterflies stop for a second and go Eeeep. I felt like I had forgotten what it was like to look at him and wait for his touch and it was all coming back in crashing waves. 

When we kissed, I let him know how much I missed him and needed him, how afraid I was to lose him. I let him guide us, soft and slow at the start, as we both tried to memorize the taste of our kiss. Harry licked my lips and let himself get lost in me, with his arm looped around my waist while the other was pressed to the back of my neck. His kiss was maddening, making me feel like I was the only thing he could think of at that very moment. My whole body itched to have him. 

Harry seemed to get it, cause he allowed his fingers to travel under my shirt, pushing the fabric up until we had to break the kiss so he could take it off. I was braless already, and I held my breath as Harry stared at me as if it was the very first time he saw me like this. My fingers trembled as I hooked them around the waistband of my jammies, but I stopped as Harry shook his head and smiled. 

“Lemme see you, baby. Turn around and push them down.”

“You’ve been watching a lot of porn, haven’t you?”

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot,” he admitted shamelessly. “So, let me sit, so I can see you, yeah?”

I watched him sit on the bed and his hand go to his crotch, as he palmed himself over the gray fabric of his sweatpants. The sight made a rush of adrenaline run down from my lower to my legs and a pulsing pressure settled between my thighs. I did as he asked me to, and turned around to allow him to see as I slowly bent down and pushed my jammies down my hips and my legs until I reached my ankles. 

“Fuck,” I gasped at the cold feeling of Harry’s tongue on my center. He was sloppy as he trapped my clit between his lips and his fingers dug on my asscheeks to spread me apart. “Fuck.”

A blissful wave rolled down my tummy, and I shifted on my feet just slightly, to allow Harry to let his tongue run down my slit and lap around my center. The tip of his tongue slid between my folds, barely pushing in before he went back to play with my clit, sucking and lapping on it as if I was a fucking delicious ice cream and he was decided to devour me. I could feel his warm breath, fanning over my slick pussy and making me shiver and laugh breathlessly, the unexpected touch already pushing me to a delicious edge. 

I didn’t know what to do, where to put my hands or if I could rock my hips as I wanted to, so I dug my nails on the palm of my hand, and my breath heaved as Harry continued to work to drive me crazy.

“C’mere, baby,” Harry commanded as he stopped, and I almost wanted to tell him to get back on his knees and finish me off, but I turned to look at him, just like he had said, and saw his glistening lips as he smiled at me. If I let my eyes travel down I could see his hard cock in all of its glory, and his fingers pressing up to it to tease himself.

“Can I suck you off?” I asked, but Harry shook his head no, and sat down on the bed, on the same spot I had left him just a couple of minutes ago. I went to him, taking short and slow steps so he could see my every move, and stood between his legs as I helped him take his shirt off. My hands pressed to his shoulders and I pushed him down to the bed, straddling him so he couldn’t even think about going anywhere. 

I wanted to trace every tattoo on his body with my lips. I started on his collarbones, trailing tiny little kisses and licking his soft skin, I made my way down his body. I kissed the sparrows and the butterfly and I hummed as I reached the ferns, my fingers curling up the waistband of his sweatpants to push it off. 

Harry propped himself up on his elbows and looked at me as I took the remaining of his clothes off. I was clumsy and laughed shyly, but he didn’t seem to mind, his eyes followed my every move, even when my hand wrapped around his cock, and I climbed on the bed to start sucking him off. I just wanted his taste in my mouth, to hear the little gasp of pleasure he let out when I dropped a ball of spit on his cock, and spread it over with quick, tight movements. I just wanted to see his tummy quiver when my tongue ran over his swollen tip and licked the salty beads of precum that spilled on it and as I sucked it sloppily, just like he liked him. 

Harry laughed, but it was delirious, blissful. His head tipped back and he grunted out a moan that echoed down my body and rose little goosebumps on my skin. It was all I wanted, to make him feel good. 

“Sof,” he breathed. “Come sit on my face.”

I popped his cock out of my mouth and looked at him, smiling mischievously as I lapped my tongue over his tip one last time. There was lust in his eyes, full and pure, the usual bright green had disappeared, and they were as dark as they could be. 

“You like ordering me around, don’t you?” I asked him, but I was already making my way to him because just the thought of his tongue on me made my stomach tighten. 

“And you’re usually such a good girl, baby. Come and spit on your hand so you can play with my cock.”

I straddled Harry’s face, and sat back down carefully, shivering when I felt Harry’s tongue flick over my clit. I was still pretty sensitive from before, so it was pretty damn easy for him to get a moan out of me. His hands were on each of my thighs, pulling me closer to his face as he licked and sucked and played with my swollen clit. I was drenched, so fucking wet it was ridiculous, and Harry smiled when I tangled my fingers in his hair, so I had something to hold on to as I rolled my hips. 

It took me a moment to remember that I was supposed to play with his cock. I leaned my body back and grabbed him with trembling fingers as Harry held me by my thighs. Harry grunted as I did, and bucked his hips up as I started to pump him. This new position made him go deeper and faster, and his tongue slid down my slit until it reached my center and thrust it in once and again. 

Each of Harry’s moans added to the fire that had settled in my tummy, and it was becoming harder to keep up, to sit straight and not give up to the pleasure that was pushing down to take over my body. He didn’t seem to notice, though. His tongue swirled around my needy clit and I felt like my whole body was burning. 

“You’re fucking dripping,” Harry whispered, placing a kiss on my thigh to let me take a break.

“Please, don’t stop, please…

My walls were clenching around his tongue as soon as he started again, and I pulled his hair between my fingers, my only anchor to reality at that very moment. It wasn’t enough, cause soon I was grinding my hips on his face, losing control over myself as the world around me became blurry. He trapped my clit between his lips and sucked on it lightly, sending me over the edge of bliss as his name escaped my lips like a prayer. 

I was exhausted and shaky when I fell on the bed, and my peripheral vision had become fuzzy. When Harry’s weight pressed down to my body, I laughed, shifting down to feel him better against myself. 

“You’re ok?” He asked me but I didn’t answer. I kissed him instead, hungrily and needy, with my tongue lapping around his mouth and tasting myself on it. I licked his lips and sucked on the tip of his tongue and moaned when he sank his teeth on my bottom lip and pulled on it. 

My walls were still clenched and my stomach quivered as my high kept rolling in. 

“I’ve never been better,” I smiled as I laid back down, which Harry took as an opportunity to kiss down my jaw and trail his kisses down my neck and my collarbones. He reached my chest and his tongue felt cold against my clammy skin and I shivered when he licked my nipple and sucked and nibbled it lightly. 

But as I calmed down, I realized it wasn’t enough. I wanted it all, I was craving it. My legs hooked around his hips and I pulled him closer to me. I could feel his cock dragging up and down my slit, gliding between my folds as we both started to grind our hips. I was so wet that it was easy to coat him with my juices, and when he twitched, his little grunt echoed in the air. 

“Fuck me,” I begged, just as I had done before, but this time, I was gonna get my wish. 

“Ask nicely,” He grinned, and suddenly, his hips came to a stop, and I moaned, more in despair and need than anything else.

“Please, fuck me,”

It was delirious. Fucking delicious. His swollen tip burned lightly as he aligned himself to my entrance and he let it slide in, just barely, enough to open me up and make me bunch the fabric of the sheets between my fingers. His cock felt bigger and thicker than his fingers or his fingers or his tongue, and I clenched my walls around it, reacting to the foreign feeling, and trapping him there. 

“Fuck, Sof,” He moaned. My senses were heightened and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him, even if I wanted to. I watched him as he let a ball of spit fall down to my pussy and gasped at the feeling of his fingers rubbing it on my clit. 

“God…” I gasped. As I adjusted to him, Harry thrust a little harder, until he was all in and my walls stretched around his cock to mold to it. 

We kissed again, this time a little more feverishly, and my hands pressed to his back, feeling his muscles work as he rocked his hips. I was aware of every inch of his cock as he thrust it slowly, and I didn’t know what to do with myself, hiding my face onto the crook of his neck and pressing sloppy kisses to his skin as he fucked me. 

“You feel so fucking good, Sof,” Harry whispered to my ear and the butterflies fluttered freely and wildly in my stomach. I forgot about everything that wasn’t him. My moans were strangled and shy, and my walls clenched around his cock with every new thrust. Harry went faster and deeper and I could feel him in my stomach if that was even possible. His eyes were closed, and the cold metal of his cross dragged up my skin with every new roll of his hips. 

“Kiss me, would ya?” I said, and that was enough to make him kiss me, sloppily and deeply, with every moan of his dying on my lips. My fingers tangled in his hair and I pulled on it, just to get a reaction out of him. His breath heaved and his hands went to my hips, to push me down and closer as went just a little rougher. 

It was too much, the weight of his body on top of mine, his kisses, the way his cock pushed between my walls, the fire that spread down all over my body. I felt blissful, aware of every inch of my body for the first time ever. I could get addicted to it. 

He was closer than he would like to admit, I could feel it in the way he scrunched his eyes closed and how he struggled to breathe. It was a shame that I wasn’t too sure of what to do to push him over the edge, but I tightened the grip of my legs around his hips and clenched my walls with every new thrust. He seemed to like it, cause he pinned me down to the bed, and groaned between his rough thrust, just as the muscles of his tummy and legs stiffened and he let out a warm laugh, that mixed with the quivers that rolled on his stomach.

“Fuck,” I heard him say, but I was too focused on the warmth that was filling me up, the juices that were dripping down his twitching cock as I tightened my walls around him. I laughed too, kissing him fully and deeply, as I brushed my fingertips down his spine. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he whispered against my lips, making me feel giddy all over. 

“You should’ve told me what I was missing,” I laughed. 

“Wanna go again? Maybe a couple more times?”

“How many?”

“Like 5?”

“I don’t think I can handle that, baby. We need to build up to it.”

“It’s alright, we have time.”

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

SCOTTISH WHISKY

Filip “Chibs” Telford x Reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: NSFW, SMUT

Thanks to my lovely beta reader @chibsytelford ✨

Author comments: You know, another dirty dream. I hope you all enjoy. Gif isn't mine, credits to the author.

Tag list: @starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​@sassymox @whyisgmora @aquamento @sadeyesgf @viviansafizada @samcrobae @jade770 @witchy-wish @rebel-without-cause-x @xx--day-dreamer--xx @spiced-reads @tita127 @ifoundmyhappythought @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @minnicelli ✨ (if you wanna be tagged, send me a message!)

“Do you know where is Oswald's warehouse?”

“Yes”.

“Bring the crane”.

That's enough information from Jax, before he hangs up the call. You don't ask. You only take the orders and you execute them. Zipping the jacket of Teller-Morrow and wearing the black sunglasses, you walk towards the big van to check for the direction in your phone. Following the navigator indications by some secondary roads, it takes you almost twenty minute to reach the property. For some reason, you don't get surprised when finding the motorbikes practically destroyed, the guys try to stand them up dragging them close to the crane.

Stepping out of it, you raise an eyebrow somewhat curious, pressing the button in the remote control to lift down the ramp. Their faces are torn between frustration and anger. Pursuing your lips, you look at the president rubbing his face with both hands.

“Who is that beautiful lady?” A strong irish accent makes you twist your neck slightly.

You didn't repair on the four unknown men presents there. You know Romero and Luis. You have seen them sometimes at the club. But not the others.

“I'm talking to you, lady”. The man says again.

Jax is looking at you pleading with his blue eyes to not reply. But that suited man seems like the problem there, and who gave you more work than you can handle having to fix their motorbikes. Or, at least, having to try it. The crew is behind you, knowing well that they're going to enjoy your protective and savage mood because of them. Jackson took you out of the streets. Jackson gave you a home, a family. Jackson saved your life without asking him to do it. No one fucks with him in your presence.

With a soft and falsely smile, you walk close to the irish. The president tries to stop you, by raising an arm on air. Holding his hand for an instant, you nod at him, letting him know that it's okay for you, before continuing your steps. Shorting the distance. Your hands travels to the lapels of his black jacket, seeing sideways how his men point at you, waiting for a false step to shoot you. But the irish one not even flinches, touring your body from top to bottom with his dirty orbs.

“If I would… want to drink a good whisky…” Your voice is melodious and sweet, putting on well the tie around his pale neck. “I would drink an old scottish aged in Jerez's barrels. Not a whisky mixed in the bathtub from a basement”.

You can hear the chuckles behind your back. Are you making a reference about Chibs? Maybe. That man drives you crazy. He's intelligent, has a good aim and his accent is insane for your mind. Even so, you're not into the irish game.

“Do you know I could cut your throat right now, and that your… friends couldn't do anything to avoid it?” He says slowly, dragging every word above his tongue.

“I'm just a mechanic, sir, who cares?”. Palming his chest, you pull your body some inches away. “But, you have already made a fool of yourself, don't you think make it twice it would be too much?”

Actually, you don't give a shit about him, nor about what he can do. He's not going to scare you. Turning over your sneakers on, you come back to Jax position.

“I'll see what can I save of the bikes, boss”.

“Thank you”. His smile is sincere, full of pride because of you.

“I know those magic hands can do miracles”. Tig says placing a hand on your shoulders while Happy is opening you the crane door.

“I appreciate the faith you have in me”. You joke on him, sitting on your seat. “See you at the club, guys”.

Chibs is looking at you, supporting his body against Jax, having a drag of a cigar. You know how much he loves his Harley, supervising every fix up you have had to do. Without no words, Happy close the door narrowing your hand, before drive out of Oswald's property.

“I think the girl has pretty clear what she wants, brother”. Jax palms Chibs back, earning Tig, Happy and Bobby's laughs.

“Scottish whisky”. Happy says with a singing voice.

“Now you don' have any doubts, man”. Bobby tease him, while the other chuckles.

“Lass!” A rough voice claims for your attention, giving you some chills and almost drowning with your own saliva.

Even if Jax smiled when you talked to the unknown irish, sounds like Chibs disagrees. Standing up from the floor, you turn at him hiding your tremble hands behind your back. He's walking towards you with firm steps and somewhat like an angry look. Facing you, he licks his incisors with a nod.

“Walk”. Pointing with a forefinger the clubhouse, you raise up your worries eyes to Jax. He's too serious too, and you're sure he's not going to say anything in you defense.

You obey. You fucked up what they gave you for a misplaced comment by your pretty mouth, which can't stand being closed. Moving your feet over the asphalt and your hands kept inside the pocket of your jacket, you follow the way into the empty club.

“Samcro meeting-room”. He just say, stopping his steps close to the main door. Again, you keep yourself in silence, nodding a little scared swallowing.

Probably they're going to kick you out from there and Chibs is in charge of letting you know because, maybe, he's european and has a direct connection with the irish. Resting your waist against the big wooden table with the grim reaper carved on, you wait impatiently moving a leg in a nervous gesture. The blind covers the window to the clubhouse, so you don't know what's happening, until Chibs opens the door carrying a bottle of whisky and a short glass, specifically for that kind of drink. Closing again the door behind his back, he places the glass to serve it before offering you. Showing him a confused look, you hold it with your right hand.

“Drink”.

For a moment you think it's poisoned, but that doesn't have any sense. Obeying again, you have a sip feeling how the liquid rips your throat, noticing every nuance in. Above all, the aged flavor that wood gives it.

“Tha' is how a good wheske' tastes”. He says taking it off from your fingers and leaving it somewhat away on the table. “And now, 'em gonna shew'ya how a good old scottesh' wheske' tastes”.

All your doubts disappear when the man crashes his lips against yours. You weren't expecting it, but definitely, whisky tastes better in his tongue. The kiss is more needy than you want to show him, nailing your fingers on the back of his head to pushing him closer while his arms get tangled in your waist. You can hardly breathe, but this doesn't look like a problem when he guides you blinded to the sofa, forcing you to sit on his lap. The heat running under your clothes when he urges your waist to move over the lump on his tight jeans.

Biting your lower lip, one of his hands covered by the leather gloves toures your nipples over your shirt, squeezing it and making you gasp. Chibs seems like he knows pretty well your body, as if he studied it before, one of the many times you've caught him looking at you. His hand going down your stomach gives you some delighted chills, while your tongues keep fighting anxious, sneaking it under your sweatpants and your panties. And before you can do any move, Chibs thrusts hard his middle finger inside you, screaming out loud his name on his mouth. The scottish chuckles licking your lips, feeling how the big golden ring below the leather press your narrowness with delicious pounds. Tangling your fingers on his jacket, you let him do with you whatever he wants, enjoying every moan that comes out from your throat.

“Ya like't?” He asks with shaky breath and a scratchy voice that turns you a little more heated.

“Yeah…” You mutter looking for his eyes, bouncing on his hand needing for more contact.

“Do ya wan' me ti fuc' ya?” He asks, sliding a second finger into you with a hard push hiting your g-spot.

“Please… Please”. You beg then, nodding as you can.

“Tonig'”. He just say, knowing how much it teases you making you sob for a second. “Enjoe' my hand, lass”.

His fingers pound you faster, nailing both hands on the back of his head, while he's drinking every gesture you draw on your face under his mercy. He's dominant by nature, like an alpha, but he could never imagine that dominate you would be his favorite thing, making you squeeze under his fury and sexually caresses. A third finger being slide inside your wetness forces you to scream because of the pleasure. Two big rings pressing your tightness, with the leather provoking a friction that burns your skin in a good way.

“Don't stop, please, Chibs…”

“Beg fo' cum, princess”. He demands.

“C'mon… please… fuck, your hand feels so good”. You cry noisily touching his nose with yours. “Fuck… let me cum, please… I need it. Fuck! It… It feels so fuckin' good, holy shit”.

“Good girl, ya have my permission”. He says after some seconds watching your pleading face, whilst your lower lip.

“Thank you, daddy”. You whisper right on his mouth, after containing yourself for a while.

Your body can't handle anymore his hand fucking you so hard, making tremble your legs as he nails his free fingers on your throat to support your body, in the moment you're about to fall when the ecstasy finds your body hitting it with heat and pleasure.

“Fuck, Filip!” You moan as loudly as your voice lets you.

But he doesn't stop, with the wetted sound the leader makes every time it thrusts your pussy flooding the room, so naughty and dirty that you forget for a second the soft stinging the glove makes you feel.

“Tonig' 'em gonna fuck ya harder”.

“Yes, please…” You beg for it, really needed.

His fingers go slow, moving his hand calmly, until he pulls it out to direct it to his mouth licking it before look for your mouth. Your cum, the taste of whisky on your tongue, the taste of beer on his, all getting mixed with your saliva in a dearly and gently kiss.

“Wei' fo' me tonig' here. Alrai', princess?”

“Yes”. You just say, trying to fill your lungs with some air.

[psalloacappella]

à deux

Day 1 Prompt:  Rain

@sasusakublankperiodweek Ao3 | FFN | ↓

“Cold,” he croaks, like unhinging an old metal joint. Instead of the weight of unused years, it’s the weight of unshed tears. The strain in his voice zigzags, lost, falls into its baritone groove. “You always are, when it rains.”

Upon awakening in the bleak dawn, the day’s significance settles on them — at once a burdening melancholy and poignant relic.

At first blush it could be any morning, but as shinobi experienced with the passage of years and the disorientation of traveling dimensions, both are loath to disregard the importance of date and time.

He’s standing at the window. You would assume he’s still lost in a daze of sleep.

Sakura gently presses her cold (they’re always cold, on days like this, days in which it pours and rain floods the countryside and small villages and cleans the dust from these everyday, hard lives) fingertips to his back, alerting him to her presence. Still they are in the phase of learning the lore of one another despite all the things already known, and it is the truest labor of love.

“We should stay one more day,” she says quietly. He hasn’t acknowledged, but hasn’t resisted.

Some days, that’s good enough.

But she overdoes it; that’s who she is. Love may be gentle but her manner of it isn’t always:  Indeed, she is fierce with people that rub her the wrong way, especially those invoking his name out of turn; she eats too fast, as indulgence; she hugs children too tightly when she knows she’ll never see them again, knowing that they are ships flickering through towns, some benevolent symbol of an oppressor they’re too young to put a face to.

Today is the anniversary of death. Over time they’ve both come to know this as an old friend, but this is Sasuke’s most notable scar.

Sakura cannot reach him on days like this, and that’s okay.

“The rain, after all. Traveling in this would be a pain — we’ve tried that before.”

She slides her arm around his waist, pressing her cheek to his warm back.

Don’t cry. It’s not your day. Don’t be so emotional.

Tears escape, they always do. To his credit, he never resents it.

Even with him now,  his equal, there are bouts of disbelief and self-loathing in which all she manages to do is convince herself nothing about her is helpful, that she’s still yearning for him to turn around.

Now the other arm, hanging on to him as if he’s unwieldy, as if he’ll sink into the chilled wood floor and out of her sight for good.

Sasuke’s hand and grip are warm, flash and fire. She knows this is in more ways than one — unspeakable ones, really.

Some grunt of assent, no fully-formed word at all, but she hears him swallow hard, once. It’s easy to, in a small corner of the world which hasn’t yet begun its day.

Hot fingers, frigid arms.

“Cold,” he croaks, like unhinging an old metal joint. Instead of the weight of unused years, it’s the weight of unshed tears. The strain in his voice zigzags, lost, falls into its baritone groove. “You always are, when it rains.”

Sakura resists the urge to click her tongue at his misdirection, the veneer to gloss over his emotional state.

“I’m all right, Sasuke-kun.”

“Hm.”

“I am! It just settles into my hands, that’s all. It’s close to an equinox, you know. The seasons are turning.”

(He’d never admit he likes that about her — nervy, a little more quick to correct, less scared, and that it’s brought him some delight, some sparkle to her that continues to surprise him.)

She feels him scoff under his breath, probably at her ability to pinpoint their location in time, in space, in the universe no matter where they are. When you save lives on seconds of analysis, on minuscule doses, these things become instinctive.

So of course, she knows what today is.

Pressing her nose into his shoulderblade, she says, muffled, “Should I call for tea, then?”

It’s a long beat before he nods, knowing that she’ll have to let him go to complete this task, leaving him alone at the drafty window — the chill having a chance to seep into the cracks in his soul.

They’re always less protected on these days.

.

.

The sleeves of his shirt always drown her wrists and hands, and though she has to flick and adjust them as she moves about the inn room, it’s one of her favorite ways to trap heat against her body. It’s not as cold as the caves they’ve sometimes inhabited, but close. Though the teapot scalds, it’s welcoming.

“It’s steady,” she muses, eyes on the persistent rain. “The whole village will be quiet today, in weather like this.”

Sasuke nods in response with unfocused eyes, collecting himself to meet hers. Green, watching him in a searching way. The way he does to her on all other days, seeking signs of regret or distress or any emotion within his ability to repair or ease. At once, old lovers and new.

A memory sears, a sharp grazing against the mind:  A low table, scattered small dishes like this with food remnants vivid, colorful; a sullen father, the corners of his mouth sagging; his mother beaming, hiding laughter behind her hand.

A brother, by then already burdened and saturated with the weight of his destiny, still finding the almost offensive wherewithal to poke him in the face.

“You haven’t touched anything,” she chides gently.

Tuning in again to them, this, arriving momentarily from his sojourn of the past, his eyes flicker to her own messy plate. Lately she’s only pushed food around in the mimicry of an indulged meal. Worries about her being sick. She just blusters, waving away concerns. (I’m a medic, for god’s sake, I’d know!)

“And you,” he responds, indicating her own dregs with his rude, handsome chin.

She shrugs, burying deeper into his shirt. “Perhaps it’s just the day.”

“You’re coddling, aren’t you? I don’t need that.”

It comes sharper than expected, and he regrets it the second it leaves his lips. He  imagines what Itachi would say, knowing he possesses a great love which he’s taken for granted time over, time again. He’d reprimand him, as he should.

Often he settles for his ex-sensei’s silent admonitions instead.

Finishing a sip of tea, she sets the mug down and sighs. Getting to her feet, she collects a few scrolls she’s been poring over the last few nights and looks at him, a bit less readable this time.

“You’re allowed to feel this, you know, Sasuke-kun. You’re allowed to love, and you’re allowed to hurt.”

She half-turns, but stops and adds,

“And you can even feel it all at the same time.”

Sakura retreats to the corner where one of the few furnishings sits. A chair, large enough for her to fold herself into and unravel her resources. A plant discovered in this new region they had crossed into last week, similar and yet different enough to pique her interest and spur her to research. She’s been lost in common roots, and he’s been mired in the loss of his old ones.

The ability of the mind to experience multiple things at once is truly remarkable. To an observer he watches her study with intent as she furrows her brow, yawns often throughout. Sasuke can see her as well as his past all at once.

Anniversaries of his dead loved ones shouldn’t mean so much. After all, he’s been alive without them longer than with.

Sasuke wishes he could explain that her presence is enough. That her loving him has been enough.

“We could still go through the traditions, if you’d like. Collect what we need. I know,” and her breath hitches, and she glances away under his dark eyes, probably feeling she’s pressing, said too much, “there’s no grave to do it with, but—”

“It’s fine.” He tries, he does, to say it with less bite. Gods, he’s transparent, his pain and denial. He’s not ready yet. Will he ever be?

“This is your day to grieve,” she says softly. “You should do that however you choose. No one can tell you how to feel — not even me.

Even me. He knows she knows his weakness. Watches her yawn again and awkwardly adjust her body, as if her own skin is uncomfortable, blink and he’d miss.

“There’s nothing I want to do,” he confesses, sounding hoarse against his will. “Nothing at all.”

A pause, a long one, in which the rain sings against the roof.

“Then you don’t have to,” she says. “You just grieve.”

And so he does.

Pretends to read.

Stares out the window.

Lingers in the discomfort of his own skin.

Paces.

Touches no food, lapses into a mausoleum silence so complete the lines of them blur against their own dimension.

He can feel his brother’s touch, and she can feel his agony.

She rises periodically, offering him tea, sliding her arms around him from behind again. He alternates between silence and quiet shakes that he’d never admit were sobs.

By dusk he’s in her lap, hair mussed and wild, feeling spent from everything and nothing at all, from wandering in the better memories of a brother he can’t bring back.

It slips from his lips in a moment of weakness, it hurts.

“I know,” she whispers, pulling her fingers gently through his untamed locks. “It always might. But don’t forget, every day has the same number of hours.”

It’s not until they lie down again, the day a simultaneous blur of grief and guilt, that she says in a soothing whisper, “And look, darling — you’ve made it through another. You always do.”

And while he can’t articulate that each year it’s a little more muted, the pain easing off him as they pass, if only marginally, he manages to thank her only in twilight when he’s spared from knowing if she can hear him at all.

.

.

On the second day of rain he awakens before her, an arm curled around her stomach in a way that aligns with some adagio ballad pouring from where, he doesn’t know, the universe, some sign, and as intelligent as he is the facts are slipping from him whether due to the haze of sleep or the turmoil of his ghosts, the way the dead and the living and the coming to life knot themselves with one another, soaking him with an instinct and some sense of surety so intoxicating that he buries his face in her long, wild hair where nothing can see his face, but she will know his heart.

If everything’s a cycle, then the old and new must cross paths in their rotations.

The darkness bleeds away and he realizes she’s waited to spill the joyous news, not wanting to acknowledge that alignment of the stars to spare his feelings, and for that he is endlessly grateful and guilty.

But he likes to think his brother, despite his faults, would have liked to know he continued forward, that he accepted the love he didn’t feel he deserved and tried, desperately, to welcome life anew.

Sasuke presses his lips to the back of her neck, and his warm hand against her stomach.

“It’s still raining,” she murmurs, still in the place between wakefulness and dreams.

He thinks he feels the flutter of his future against his palm. He only whispers,

“Let’s stay here for now.”  

[frozenprocedural]

The Morning After

I promised this fic. Set the morning after the last chapter of @couragedontdesertme​‘s Falling Slowly story. Which, if you haven’t read, you should. Just sayin’.

Alarik belongs to @patricia-von-arundel​. Falling Slowly belongs to @couragedontdesertme​. Everything else comes with the lemon crown.

Rated E under the cut.

Alarik faced the early light of spring's dawn with reluctance, not wishing to leave the wonderful dream he'd experienced. He shut his eyes tighter, willing sleep to return, and shifted to turn from the disruption the light brought. 

Something warm and solid rested against him.

His eyes snapped open to see Elsa- very much bare- curled with her back against him, still fast asleep. 

Oh, not a dream then.

Alarik slowly eased himself onto one elbow, his eyes fixed on Elsa's sleeping form. She looked so calm, so serene, with her hair spread about her, her lips slightly parted. While part of him wished to run a hand through the silky strands of hair, or brush her cheek with a finger, Alarik remained where he was, far more happy to watch Elsa sleep than risk waking her. He couldn't get over how gorgeous she was.

And how lucky he was.

He shifted into a more comfortable position, trying to be gentle, but the movement was enough. Elsa made a soft, questioning noise, her eyelids twitching and fluttering. Finally they opened, and she blinked a few times before lifting her head to look back at him. Her sleepy look made him grin.

"Good morning, darling."

She smiled back at him, rolling over so she faced him. He reached out and cupped.her cheek, his thumb stroking her skin. "Good morning." She turned to kiss his palm.

"Are you… are you feeling alright? After last night, I mean." He could feel his cheeks heating up, and Elsa flushed as well. Nevertheless, she nodded. 

"I'm fine. Last night was… nice." 

"Mmmmm. That it was." Alarik wrapped his arms around Elsa, pulling her close. She hummed, tucking her head under his chin and nuzzling at his neck. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, enjoying the intimacy.

Elsa lifted her head, tilting her chin up and wrapping a hand around his neck. Alarik took her cue and brought his lips to hers, feeling the almost immediate pressure of her response. The kiss was slow and gentle, taking in the taste and feel of one another. 

The previous evening had seen them come together in heady passion, seeking the release of feelings not admitted until then. But this morning, with no obligations to pull them from their chambers, Alarik wished to take his time. He wanted to explore, to map every inch of Elsa's body, and bring her to the heights of pleasure. 

As they pulled away, he gazed once more into her eyes, reading her face for any sign of discomfort. Her pupils were dilated, skin flushed, and each breath came out as a pant. 

"Alright?" He moved in a bit closer.

"Yes." A gasp of a word, and he could hear the need in her voice. Elsa's hands made their way around his neck, fingers stroking the soft hairs at his nape. Alarik allowed himself to be pulled closer, bringing his mouth to her jaw. 

He sucked and licked, tasting the slight saltiness of her skin, inhaling her intoxicating scent. Alarik followed Elsa's jawline down to her neck and across her throat, spurred on by her soft moans as she kneaded the back of his neck. He made his way back up, remembering something from the previous night. He used a finger to gently tilt her chin away from him, giving him access to the spot behind her ear. 

Her fingers pulled at his curls as she gasped and arched, the slight sting only urging him on, delighted at her response. He suckled the skin there for several seconds until Elsa pulled him away.

"Not�� fair…" she grumbled between sharp breaths.

"Oh? How so?"

Elsa brought her lips together in a pout. "You already know a weak spot. It's an unfair advantage."

Alarik laughed, bringing his lips back to hers to wipe away her frown. "True," he murmured, enjoying the way her lips tickled his as he spoke. "But we have plenty of time for you to discover… Ah!" He shuddered when Elsa's fingers flitted up and down the back of his neck, leaving the slightest chill in their wake.

"Mmmmm, could that be one there?" She purred, her smile mischievous. Alarik hissed as she traced the knobs of his spine.

"Perhaps. But you know that means that I'll just have to find more of yours." He began to pepper her exposed neck and collarbone with a bevy of nips and kisses, causing Elsa to whimper, her hands sliding around to rest on his chest. 

Alarik paused, worried he'd made her upset, but she began to knead the skin there, humming with satisfaction when he shivered. Her hands began to roam, tracing idle patterns, coaxing soft gasps from him.

His fingers sought and found her once more, following the sharp line of her collarbone, down to her sternum, one finger making its way through the valley between her breasts. He traced the underside of one, then the other, pausing when he realized Elsa was shaking.

"Els-" He choked when her fingernails dug into him. Her eyes were closed, her breath heavy. 

"Don't stop, please don't stop!"

Alarik responded immediately, cupping her breasts, his thumbs brushing across her nipples, finding them stiff and erect. Elsa arched into his touch, and he closed his fingers around them, pinching softly, marveling at her sensitivity. His name spilled from her lips, and her hands flew to his back, gripping tightly. Taking it as a good sign, Alarik lowered his head and sucked a nipple into his mouth. 

"AH!" Elsa shrieked and threw her head back, her hands finding the back of his head, holding him in place. He rolled the nub with his tongue, then switched to the other breast, repeating the motion. He continued for a few moments more before pulling away, smiling at Elsa's soft whine.

He didn't make her wait long. He let his hands roam down her body, watching for the places that made her shudder. Her hands returned to his chest, finding his nipples and brushing them with the softest of touches. It was Alarik's turn to moan, his hands spasming at Elsa's hipbones. He used his thumbs to stroke them, struggling to ground himself, then followed along the ridge until he reached the pale curls at Elsa's center.

Her hands paused their exploration of him, and she took a deep, shuddering breath. Alarik kissed her forehead, waiting. After a moment, she opened her legs and allowed him entrance. 

The first brush of his fingers along her wet heat had both of them sighing. Alarik played along her folds, and found the hard nub at their apex. He circled it, and Elsa began to keen. He played with her bud for a bit longer, until the gathering wetness coated his hand. Carefully, he slid a finger inside, bending it upward, stroking gently, making her moan. He let a second finger join the first, and she pressed against him, her breath hot and rapid against his skin.

"Alarik… I need… I need you."

Elsa reached between them, finding him erect and wanting. Her fingers closed around him, stroking the taut skin and weeping tip, making him groan. He pulled his hand free of her, and shifted so she could guide him to her entrance. He could feel her breathing increase, but she pressed against him, letting him slide in. 

Wet heat encased his member, and he clenched his teeth, making himself stop. He could feel Elsa trembling in his arms, and remembered the night before, how she'd needed him to wait. Her eyes were shut tight and her breathing heavy, so Alarik slid his hands up and down her back, helping her ease into the feeling. 

After a few passing moments, Elsa opened her eyes, and wrapped her arms around his neck. He kissed her while rocking his hips, nothing hard, letting her adjust. When Elsa arched into him, he pulled away, watching her face, her eyes.

"Okay?"

"Yes."

Alarik pulled all the way out, then thrust back in, groaning into her neck at the glorious feeling. He brought his mouth back to her breasts as he got a steady rhythm going, his hand seeking, then finding her nub. When his thumb flicked it, Elsa gave a cry that neared a shriek, her fingers raking his back. 

"I'm close… so close…more, please…"

Elsa's words tumbled out as desperate gasps, and Alarik responded by grabbing her leg, pulling it over his own to reach further, deeper, his fingers and mouth moving at a desperate pace. 

Elsa released with a cry, something near his name leaving her lips as her walls pulsed around him. Alarik's thrusts lost their rhythm as he spilled deep within her, shouting in ecstasy. 

They came down slowly, both trembling as the last tremors passed. Hands that had gripped now stroked and pulled each other close as they enjoyed the hazy afterglow of intercourse. For how long they stayed like that, connected and enjoying the simple pleasure of each other's presence, Alarik didn't know. He simply didn't want it to end.

Knock knock knock.

"Your Highness? Your Grace? Their Majesties have asked me to fetch you for breakfast."

Alarik groaned softly into Elsa's neck, making her giggle. She raised her head and called out, "Thank you Kai. Please inform them that we will be down shortly."

"Of course, Princess Elsa. I will let Their Majesties know." Kai's footsteps retreated down the hallway, and Elsa pulled free of Alarik's embrace, whining softly as he slipped out of her. Alarik longed to pull her back, but as if reading his mind, she shook her head with a half-smile and stood. 

"Come on, it's time to get dressed."

Alarik propped himself up on an elbow, happy to watch Elsa as she collected her clothes. "I can help you."

"You and I both know that if you 'help' me, we will be very late."

"You said we would be down 'shortly'. You did not give a specific time, however…"

Elsa didn't give him the dignity of a response, but Alarik leapt out of bed when a pile of snow materialized on his shoulders. 

[yoosungisbabie]

i can’t make you love me - day four

@mysme-events

jumin x mc

rating: G

prompt: past lives / {goodbyes}

warnings: slight spoilers for Jumin’s route

word count: 2,246

ao3 link

[ ko-fi | paypal ]

She stayed by his side for 11 days, but at the end of the party, she has to say goodbye.

inspired by this fic by @cafedanslanuit​! please go support her and check out the amazing work she’s done! 

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

The party hall finally became empty again as the last guest disappeared behind the grand double doors. She glanced around, trying to bolster the feeling of accomplishment that she knew she should’ve been brimming with.

Yoosung was crying on the couch, and Zen was leaning over him with a hand on his shoulder. She’d quickly learned that he was an emotional drunk, but luckily Zen knew how to handle him. Jaehee looked completely exhausted, but there’d been hope for a vacation soon, which they’d both toasted to. V had left shortly after the auction of his photos, and Seven had disappeared to who-knows-where an hour before the party’s end.

When her eyes finally found Jumin, the ache in her heart flared painfully. He was sitting alone with his drink, and his gaze was fixed on it like it was the most interesting thing in the room. And unlike everyone else, he was wide awake and attentive. She wondered if his sharp eyes would be able to see the way her shoulders sagged in her dress or the frown that weighed on her lips whenever her mind wandered. She felt the urge to hide from him, but she knew the moment he left her sight would be torture.

The threat of the hacker had finally passed, and the party had been successful. Seven had told her a few hours before that she would be able to return to her own apartment in the morning. Her initial reaction was relief, but the thought of going home only reminded her of Jumin’s penthouse.

The sigh that left her was uncontrollable, much like the intense longing she felt for the man in the blue suit sitting alone at the bar.

She should have known better than to get her hopes up. She’d begun to help him untangle the threads inside himself, but he still needed time. Despite knowing that, she still felt her heart break a little more each time she remembered that night in his penthouse.

“Jumin…” she breathed, running her hands over the duvet and ducking her head. “I think I’m in love with you.” Even though she was terrified, she couldn’t hold her feelings back any longer. She’d wished on every star that he felt the same way.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, the dim light of the bedside lamp illuminating the discomfort that had shone through on his face. Deep in her heart, she’d known what his answer would be. But she’d still dared to hope.

“I don’t feel the same way about you,” he said, chipping away another piece of her fragile heart as she buried the sorrow that threatened to overflow.

She smiled, nodded, and declined his apology. He couldn’t help the way he felt, so there was no need to feel sorry.

As he left her alone in his bed that night, she took the opportunity to cry. She could see how happy Jumin would be, but she wouldn’t be at his side to see it. 

Her watery eyes were on the floor when a pair of shoes appeared there, pulling her attention back to the present moment.

“Hey,” Seven spoke softly, pushing his hands further into the pockets of his slacks. She looked up at him, blinking quickly to push away any gathering tears.

“There you are,” she sighed, standing to meet him and smoothing out her dress. Seven breathed out a short, stiff laugh, shooting her a look that reflected what she imagined she would see if she looked in a mirror.

“Doing alright after all of that?” he asked. She paused at his question, watching his lips press into a thin line. She chuckled and pushed a lock of hair over her shoulder, avoiding his inquisitive eyes.

“Yeah,” she smiled, nodding to try and convince herself of her answer as well. “Tired, but alright,” she continued. He didn’t look like he believed her, but she would never admit otherwise. Maybe he could see how broken she felt through her eyes.

“That’s good,” he spoke under his breath. His stare was drawn away briefly, and she shifted her weight to her left foot as he took a slow breath in.

“Hey, uh,” Seven started, clearing his throat and taking his hands from his pockets to cross his arms over his chest. “Do you need a ride home?” he asked, making the gears in her tired head turn. Despite worrying about her return to Rika’s apartment that night and her own apartment the next morning, how she would be getting there was one detail she’d forgotten to agonize over.

“Uh,” she drawled, drawing her eyebrows down in thought. “I’ll be okay. I’m gonna make sure everything gets cleaned up around here,” she smiled, expecting a similar expression in return. But he frowned slightly, tilting his head.

“Are you sure? I know the address, so I could drop you off right there,” he reasoned, leaning closer to her. She kept smiling, shaking her head quickly.

“That’s alright. Thanks, Seven,” she replied, seeing his frown deepen as he looked in Jumin’s direction.

“No problem,” he said softly, returning his hands to his pockets and beginning to walk away. She watched him go, pushing a slow, shaky breath from her lips. Her heart was pounding at the very thought of just talking to Jumin, but she would never forgive herself if she were to miss the opportunity to talk to him before she left.

She cautiously walked toward the bar where he sat twirling his glass of champagne. He seemed to be deep in thought, and it almost deterred her from disturbing him.

“Hi,” she breathed out quietly, watching as his stormy eyes lifted from his drink to meet her stare.

“Ah, MC,” he hummed deeply, making her heart flutter at the use of her name. She stood next to the barstool to his right, placing a manicured hand on it to steady herself. He turned his body towards her, returning her gaze and making her cheeks grow warm. She really wished that he didn’t have such a dizzying effect on her, but that was yet another thing she couldn’t help.

“You must feel proud. The party was very successful for being planned in so little time,” he spoke. She smiled, glancing around at the ballroom once more.

“I do,” she said softly, turning back to him to find that his eyes had shifted back to the drink in his hand. “Thank you for all your help as well,” she spoke politely, watching him nod and quirk a small smile.

“I should thank you again as well. If not for your visit to my home, things would have gone much differently today.” His words made her stomach tighten, and when their eyes met once more, she was sure the pink of her cheeks was clearly visible to him.

She thought about how mortified both Sarah and Glam were after Jumin’s speech, and the memory was almost amusing. But what delighted her most was knowing that Jumin wouldn’t have to live a life that his father had tried to force him into. Thinking about the change Jumin went through while Elizabeth was gone lifted her spirits slightly, but she couldn’t help the tearing of her heart when she thought about how she wouldn’t be at his side to see him keep growing. He didn’t want her there.

“You’re welcome,” she replied, her voice small and airy. Jumin cleared his throat, placing his glass down gently on the bar and standing from his seat. She watched as he straightened his suit vest and coat, hearing him breathe out with a sense of finality and determination.

“I have dinner plans with my father soon, but allow me to have Driver Kim take you to the C&R building,” he said, clasping his hands behind his back as he gazed down at her. She shook her head, waving her hand dismissively.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I can just take a taxi,” she said, watching him shake his head in return.

“Nonsense. I insist,” he protested politely, making her lips turn up in a smile she failed to control. Others may have seen him as cold and callous, but she had learned how kind and thoughtful Jumin really was.

She said goodbye to Zen and Yoosung as Jaehee chatted with Jumin about cleanup. He waited for her by the main doors, gesturing for her to leave first.

The sun was setting when they made it outside, and the chill of evening was beginning to set in. She followed behind him quietly, grateful that she had a few extra moments with him.

“Right here,” Jumin spoke up, gesturing to the familiar Mayback waiting at the curb. She nodded, watching him from the corner of her eye. They both stopped near the door, but as Jumin moved to open it for her, she took a sharp breath in.

“Before we go,” she said, biting down on the tip of her tongue when she realized she didn’t know what she wanted to say. Jumin watched her expectantly, his eyebrows lifting as his hand fell from the handle of the car door.

“Yes?” he prompted, making her glance away quickly.

“I just, um,” she started, pushing her hair behind her ear nervously. “I wanted to thank you,” she said, nodding afterward and looking up at him. His lips twitched upward into a partial smile.

“There’s no need. I’m sure this car is much more comfortable than a taxi would be,” he said, glancing down at the car and making her mouth fall open slightly. “In addition, anything but the best leather seats could damage your dress,” he told her, briefly eyeing the gown she was wearing and making her chest tighten slightly.

“Yes, I’m thankful for the ride,” she chuckled, gripping the clutch in her hand a little tighter. “But I wanted to thank you specifically for being so kind to me,” she clarified. He tilted his head as he gazed down at her, and she didn’t try to control the genuine smile she felt tugging at her lips at the thought of the last few days she’d spent with him.

“Your hospitality was lovely, and you were so thoughtful even when you had so much going on,” she said, wondering if she’d imagined the way his eyes softened at her words.

“It was my pleasure,” he replied warmly, making her heart jump in her chest excitedly. They gazed at each other for a moment longer than she’d expected, but she was searching his eyes for something, anything, that signaled a sign of affection for her. She couldn’t help herself.

His lips parted to speak, but she panicked slightly, knowing he had a dinner to attend to soon.

“Jumin, I…” she started, hesitating before she said more than she wanted to. One look up at him made her stomach flip, his eyes wide and expectant towards her. She took a deep breath and started again.

“I truly care about your well-being. You deserve to be happy, and if I could help even a little bit, I’m glad,” she said quietly, her confidence fading as she spoke.

He smiled, glancing down quickly before catching her eyes again. The peaceful expression on his face, compared to when she’d first arrived at his penthouse, let her know that she really had done something for him. It warmed her heart to know that he would be alright. That was all that mattered.

“Thank you,” he spoke, his voice fading into a whisper. He quickly ducked his head, clearing his throat and opening the car door for her to get in. She smiled, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach as she carefully gathered her dress and got into the car.

She turned to watch him place one foot inside the car, but his phone rang, making him pause and dig it out of his suit coat pocket. One glance at the screen made the tone of his voice shift and the expression on his face change completely.

“I must take this call. Please be safe on your way back,” he spoke distractedly, accepting the call without another word and closing the car door as he stepped back onto the sidewalk. She blinked in surprise, exhaling shakily as her heart fell.

Just like that, he was in another world, and she had no part of it.

“Ready to go, miss?” Driver Kim asked from the front of the car. She flinched slightly, her eyes fixated on Jumin as he stood with his back to her just outside the door.

After that night, when would she see him again? It wasn’t likely they would have another party so soon, and Jumin’s schedule was always full. Thinking about being separated from him for months or even years made tears brim in her eyes. And when the thought of him finding a girlfriend or wife by that time entered her mind, she held back a sob.

He didn’t love her, and she couldn’t force him to.

She nearly jumped when he turned towards her, glancing at the car in confusion. Their eyes met for a brief moment as a tear slipped onto her cheek, but then he looked away, beginning to walk back towards the building.

She bit down on her bottom lip, shaking her head at how hard she’d fallen and how devastated it’d left her.

“Yeah,” she breathed out, pulling her eyes away from him. “Let’s go.”

~~~~~

gah this one hurt me. thank you all for reading! every like, reblog, and comment means so so so much to me. i hope you have a wonderful day! <3

[tainted-wine]

No Holding Back

Izuku Midoriya X Reader (NSFW)

(This is based on the fear and anxiety of reaching orgasm due to the intense feeling, an issue that a surprising amount of ladies face.)

“What should I do?”

“You don’t need to do anything. Just relax.”

You did your best to obey, taking a deep breath as Izuku massaged your breast. He leaned down to lock your lips in a deep kiss, his mouth moving as slowly as his hands, successfully putting you at ease. You focused on your breathing and his touch, nothing else. He was always trying so hard, trying to make this feel as good as possible for you. But it always ends with you backing out, no matter how patient he was. Why did you keep ruining it?

A tongue swiping your lips snapped you out of your stray thoughts. Izuku was staring at you with that all too familiar look of worry in his eyes. “You stopped kissing.” He said.

You tried to laugh it off. “Sorry, I’m getting distracted already. Don’t mind me.”

He only answered with a sympathetic smile, a smile that you always appreciated. No matter how many times you screwed this up, you never saw any frustration on his face. He never voiced any complaints, only reassurance.

“It’s alright, we’re probably just moving too fast.”

“Stop that. Don’t ever think that you’re ruining something for me.”

“I just want to help you reach this. It’ll feel good, I promise.”

Izuku continued with kisses at the corner of your lips before moving down to your jaw and neck. He mouthed gently at your pulse that was slowly increasing in speed. A moan escaped you when he began sucking at your skin, the warmth of his mouth sending chills through your body. He normally wasn’t one to leave marks on you, but you wouldn’t mind at all if he got a little careless just this once.

His hands never let up their ministrations, still kneading your breasts with his thumbs brushing over your now-erect nipples. His mouth moved lower, kissing your collarbone, and then reaching your mounds of flesh to replace one of his hands with his eager mouth. The hot tongue swirling around your nipple rekindled that heat inside you that you’ve grown so familiar with.

That caged pleasure that you always found, but couldn’t release.

You’ve gotten close to your orgasm so many times, but you never failed to panic and cut it short. It was difficult to explain to the love of your life. Yes, it felt good. Yes, you loved what he was doing. But the sensation of that pleasure building up more and more, that incoming burst…it was honestly frightening.

Izuku was understanding each time. He would simply hold you until you calmed down. Sometimes you couldn’t help but cry, feeling disheartened whenever you gave in to the fear and stopped whatever Izuku was doing, and he would respond by wiping your tears away. Those were the nights when you wondered if you deserved such an angel of a man.

Now the two of you were trying once again. There was never any haste in Izuku’s movements. He was determined to help you learn how to soak in every sweet sensation and to conquer your fear of losing control. As he continued to show love to your breasts, his free hand moved down to your womanhood, fingers brushing ever so lightly over your lips. The feather light touch was still enough to make you gasp.

His mouth switched to your other breast, giving it the same wet attention. You buried your fingers in his hair as he happily suckled you, the wonderful sight adding to your growing arousal. He rubbed your folds more firmly, one of his fingers teasing your opening. Your grip around his curls tightened as your back arched and pushed your breast further into his face. Izuku chuckled and pulled away from you.

“You’re doing great,” He said softly.

You were still feeling anxious. “It’s feeling pretty intense already. What if I make a weird sound?” That wasn’t a dumb concern, was it?

He peppered your chest with kisses. “You won’t. Trust me, whatever sounds you’ll make, I’m going to love it.”

You were just about to protest before a finger pushed into your wet tightness, forcing a gasp out of you as a sharp jolt shot through your body. “Izuku!” was the only thing that escaped your mouth instead.

Izuku watched your face lovingly while rubbing your insides. You tried to hold his gaze, green eyes boring into yours with such intensity that you had to turn your head away. A few minutes of slow stroking passed before he added another finger and sped up his pace. You whimpered at the tingles in your abdomen, pleasure building up like water in a dam. And once that dam breaks…

You don’t know what will happen.

“You’re tensing up.” Izuku told you without stopping his fingers. His other hand was slowly rubbing your thigh, enjoying the occasional quiver. “Do you feel close?”

“Yeah, I think,” You breathed out. “Izuku, I feel like I’m about to burst.”

“Does it feel good?”

You took a moment to catch your breath. “Yes. It feels really good.”

“Keep relaxing and concentrate on that feeling. Don’t worry when it gets stronger, alright? If it feels like it’s going to wash over you, let it.”

You simply nodded and attempted to collect yourself, an attempt that immediately failed when the digits inside you curled and pressed against a very sweet spot. You couldn’t hold in the cry that escaped you, the hot wave of pleasure catching you completely off guard. “Izuku! Izuku, it’s too mu-AH!” He was hitting that sensitive bundle of nerves over and over, it was crippling.

Izuku kissed your inner thigh, drifting closer to your pussy. “That’s it. You sound so nice. Let me hear you.” His breath brushed against your sex as he pumped his fingers at a rapid pace.

There was a powerful pressure coiling within your lower body and was slowly expanding. Out of reflex, you tried to crawl away from the frightening sensation, only to have a strong hand grab your waist and hold you in place.

“You’re almost there. Don’t back out now. You’re about to feel so good.” He looked up at you from between your legs, voice sounding so deep and breathless that you would think he was the one being pleasured right now.

You tried to settle down again, shutting your eyes tightly while ignoring your usual urge to flee from the incoming climax. Among the thunderous sound of your heartbeat, you heard Izuku’s voice again.

“Just feel…”

The friction against your g-spot was becoming mind-numbing.

“Take deep breaths…”

Tears were pricking at your eyes in excitement and fear.

“And cum for me.”

A pair of wet lips latched onto your swollen clit without any warning and started sucking hard.

It’s like all of the orgasms you’ve held back returned and came crashing down on you all at once, enveloping you in white hot pleasure. You’ve lost complete control, just like you worried, but your mind was too clouded to give a damn about that. The spasms were violent, reducing you to a trembling mess, trapping a very excited mop of green hair between your legs. Were you screaming, or was your mouth just hanging open? You couldn’t tell. In fact, you couldn’t properly perceive anything. Your vision was nothing but colorful flashes, and the only thing you heard was the blood pulsing through you.

All you knew was ecstasy.

The delightful throbs felt never ending, but you felt your senses slowly return. A gentle hand caressing your face brought you back to earth.

“You did it!”

Oh right, Izuku was here.

He leaned down to kiss your dampened forehead. “I’m so proud of you. You didn’t give up on yourself.”

You managed a giggle, your body still shaking with each exhale. “You’re making this sound like a training lesson.”

“Well, it technically was. You learned a lesson about letting go, didn’t you?” He swallowed, bashfully turning his head away. He had absolutely no right acting so shy after what he did to you.

You smiled and brought his head down for a kiss. “I had one hell of a teacher.” You shuddered at just how intense that moment was. “It was still scary, honestly.” You said quietly. “But it wasn’t a terrifying scary, it was exhilarating. It really does feel good to lose control sometimes.” You gave him another kiss. “Thank you, Izuku.”

Izuku settled beside you and pulled you in for some cooldown cuddles. “You cumming was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Thank you.”

[hosierydarling]

Parade

Samantha twitched…and twitched. There was just no escaping it. Her body was betraying her, all afire with need. She had even had to hold her leash chain within her jaw to keep all her uncontrollable cries stifled, after all it would not do to alarm her passengers. She needed to keep her focus on the road, her white knuckled hands upon the wheel. Her brand new sister, Rubi, was being taken to her first fetish ball. “I want to sit in back with Mistress!!”, she had cried joyously as they left the house. Miss Eva had caught Sam’s eye slyly, tossing the keys her way, replying breezily, “ I guess that means you’re driving, My treasure.” Both of the girls were excited, even if Sam had been to such events before; being there for her sister’s first time would be a delight. Before leaving Miss Eva had selected outfits for both her girls (both hidden presently under trenchcoats). Rubi was decked out in clinging shining vinyl of the deepest black, the catsuit had been designed with strategic cutouts over her breasts and her pussy, for easier access (as Miss Eva would often put it). Samantha was topless under her coat, and wearing nought but a garter and stocking set. The garters black with crimson accents, the welt of the stockings matching that stark red. Each girl was also fitted with a long thick dildo within the roundness of their rumps, buzzing at a none-too-gentle setting. Miss Eva had also had the ingenuity to connect the girls by those dildos stuffed so far up within them, she had threaded a chain through the back panel of the front seat after they had sat, and connected the chain ends to the cap of each dildo. The chain was not very long so that Rubi could not sit fully back against the back seat, not without sitting twisted sideways. But the excitable girl was perfectly willing to sit on the floor of the back seat at her Mistress’s feet. Satisfied with the way Her girls were set up within the limo, Miss Eva sauntered round the back to the passenger side and settled within, and they were on their way. It should have been an easy ride, the venue for the ball was not all that far from Miss Eva’s residence; just a short ride up the freeway. But, Rubi took it upon herself (much to their Mistress’s delight) to pleasure her owner on the way, insinuating herself between Miss Eva’s legs and diving under Her skirt to lash her tongue at that divine sex. This, of course, would not bother Samantha in the slightest…as it gave her the greatest joy to see both of the ladies in her life satisfied to the fullest…except that she was tethered to her sister’s lifting bouncing ass as she was trying to drive. Gritting her teeth, almost chewing on the chain of her leash, her body shuddering, her sex calling to her as perspiration gathered between her tits, she kept her eyes riveted on the road. Eventually however, the call of her body’s craving was to be Samantha’s undoing. After all, she could hear the delicious purrs of her Mistress, and she could feel each and every bob of her sister’s ass as it tugged upon her own, compounding the effect of the incessant throbbing of the phallus. Concentration threatening to slip from her, Samantha eased the limo to the side of the freeway and put it in park. Deftly unbuttoning her coat and pulling it open, she began to pull and knead the soft swell of her tits, teeth firmly clamped upon the leash. She ran her fingers over her prickled and ignited skin, arching off the driver’s seat and issuing the softest of sighs. Her body would jump almost imperceptibly every time either her Mistress’s or Rubi’s voice climbed in pitch, her mind’s eye envisioning the state of the pair behind the tinted screen. Sliding those endless silken stems as wide apart as she could manage, her hand began to slide between her thighs, softly caressing her bare mound as she arched like a cat and exhaled breathily. By this time, her two passengers had recovered themselves enough to realized that the motion was absent from their journey, and had lowered the screen between front and back. Samantha just knew that Rubi had twisted her flexible young form enough to prop her chin on the driver seat, at the same time Miss Eva had leant forward purred in Her way, “What’cha doing, Samantha?” The only reply was a long drawn out moan through gritted teeth that sent shivers down both women’s spines. Miss Eva twisted to one side in the back and leant down enough to unhook Rubi from her sister, and then sat up and whispered something in the sexy little critter’s ear, something that made her eyes widen in joy. As Miss Eva reached along for the power button to open the sunroof, Rubi clambered over the seats to join her sister in front. Samantha’s brow was furrowed and her teeth clenched as she reddened swiftly with her sister’s eyes upon her. The look upon Rubi’s features almost chastising her as she looked upon Sam’s wandering hands, watching as they dipped into the hollow between her legs. With Miss Eva silently guiding her, Rubi slipped herself into the depression between driver and front passenger seat, manoeuvring herself around the shift stick, getting as close to her sister as possible and pushing her up against the seat. At the same moment, Miss Eva was at Sam’s ear, purring as She grasped the girl’s shoulders and lifted her. Samantha whimpered through the chain as both women’s hands were now on her. As she was pushed back and lifted her sky high pumps fell off her curling toes to clatter against the brake pedal. All of a sudden the wind from the freeway was whipping Samantha’s hair back and kissing her nipples with the chill of the breezy afternoon. Her Mistress’s hands had wrapped round her throat, caressing the three black roses and clamping her to the seat, as her sister moved between her thighs and started to lick and devour her pussy, just as she had Miss Eva’s just seconds before. The chain fell from Samantha’s mouth to bounce a few times between her tits as it sank heavily to dangle. Her cries went out to the traffic, spilling from her throat in earnest as her voice was now freed. Rubi’s tongue did not let up in her fervor to taste of her beloved sister. That tongue curled round her clit, and pushed into the folds of her heat with much enthusiasm, and perhaps impatience for her meal. Miss Eva cooed into Samantha’s ear, letting her own tongue trace the coils of the flesh of that shell. Her fingers squeezing just by the mere treat of hearing Her pet cry to the world. As Rubi pulled Samantha’s leg open wider she absent-mindedly propped her foot on the steering wheel, too engrossed in her sister’s cunt to care. In that moment, the blaring wail of the limo horn streaked out across the freeway. Cars were slowing at that point, honking back in response. The wind would carry away random phrases like “nice tits” and “yeah baby!” As Samantha slid into the welcome abandon of her lusts she vaguely noticed that the freeway traffic was coming to a standstill. The swift rush of it was stilling to a complete halt as Samantha’s squeals and urges for more of her sister’s tongue were echoing through the wind. Her cries attracting all the attention of the commuters. The passersby were putting their vehicles into park in the middle of the standstill traffic, getting out of their cars and sitting on their hoods or even drifting close to watch this half naked woman just escalating into the throes of orgasm. Men and women alike, their attention held rapt on Samantha’s ecstasy. Miss Eva’s eyes twinkled as she peered out of the tinted windows at the rush of onlookers delighting in her pet, she leaned up towards the sun roof and whispered to Sam to simply cum when she was ready. Sam planted her hands back on the edges of the sunroof opening behind her, body bowed, tits bared to the world as she writhed along half in and half out of the car. The first murmurings of her climax licking up her spine, bent sharply as she tossed her head back screaming, hair streaming behind her. Rubi would not let up, spurred on by all of her sisters cries and the rhythmic undulation of her body, crying to be undone. She continued to plunge her tongue deep within her sister’s velvet sheathe coaxing her essence from within that tight dewy canal. Curling her fingers round the framework of the roof Samantha let loose a howl of sheer unadulterated bliss as her body unraveled and began to convulse along the roof to the cheers of the masses gathered. She could faintly hear her sister’s moan from within the car as she received the prize she was seeking, and pressed herself even tighter to Samantha’s pulsing sheathe as she drank down every last bit of her nectar. As Samantha continued to quiver, both her Mistress and her sister eased her back into the car. Miss Eva opened the car door and gathered both of her girls by the leash loops and guided them out of the car on their knees, She paraded them up and down a short length of the freeway twice for the (already won) approval of those gathered. She then walked them back to the car to the sound of thunderous applause. The onlookers were swiftly getting back to their vehicles as the traffic up ahead seemed to be clearing. A few of the commuters did attempt to throw themselves at Miss Eva’s feet in the hopes of similar treatment to their own person’s in future. She responded with a few mere blown kisses, rich with the promise of missed opportunity. As She got her girls settled back into the car, She leaned forward to Samantha and inquired gently, “Do you think you might be able to drive, now Mine…?” Samantha turned and nodded softly, “yes Mistress.” Miss Eva leaned back and idly stroked Rubi’s soft short blonde locks and offered a firm wicked smile, “very well, Rubi, let’s get your sister back home so we can punish her for our missing the ball.”

[cloud9in]

Human Sacrifice

Summary: The sudden events of the Zeta House Bacchanalia leaves Zoey a victim of humiliation, and Bea has her own input on the event.

 Tags: I’m going to tag the Zoey stans I know: @samanthadalton @jaxsmutsuo @this-person-is-busy @penda-bear @steal-your-moment @tyrils-star @satrinadia (If you want to be removed or added on this list in future writings let me know)

Word Count: 3.6k (Yeah it’s a lot oops)

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST, Mild Language, Depressing thoughts, also some blood.

Pairing: Badgirl! Mc x Zoey

 Author’s Note: I wanted to write a more realistic version of Badgirl! Mc for the events of the Bacchanalia. I hope you hate her by the end of this.

~

Zoey’s POV

 “I will never let you forget that this is who you are.” 

Poppy’s words struck me like I had just been the victim of a tragic car crash.  Completely surrounded by the noise and utter chaos, but isolated in the clutter. 

My legs began to weaken from the embarrassment, there was nothing to hold on to steady myself. There was no one to catch me before I could collapse and sob my worries into the cold, hard concrete floor of the place I would ironically call hell. 

Bea? Where is Bea?  A faint remembrance of her crossed my mind before I could only focus on my rapidly soaring heartbeat. Any second now it would pop right out of my chest and onto the ground, allowing another part of me to be exposed to the selfish monsters, who took no shame in degrading every part of my being. I wanted to shut my eyes. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up, realizing it was all some nightmare. But all I could do was stand there and hold back the dam of tears that threatened to surge out through my eyes. I’ll be damned if I let Poppy see through my act, see through the poorly concealed cracks in my perfect persona and take advantage of it. She has already ripped me apart publicly, and if there is something that I will cling on to as I walk out of this den of vultures: it will be my pride.

The anger rushed through my veins just as quickly as the shame left. I couldn’t feel it, but I knew my nails had dug so deep into the skin of my hand as I tightened my fists. That would definitely leave a few scars, but not as deep as the mental scars that have rose from the dark depths of my mind. There is nothing more that I want in the world than to forget everything. If all of my flaws had to be exposed in this moment, I can only hope the tears that spill any second will submerge me as well.

~

Bea’s POV

 “Zoey doesn’t need me looking after her. Plus, I already told her this is the only reason I came. She’s gonna love this credit card thing.” 

 I snapped a pic of Poppy’s credit card and uploaded it to the T, courtesy of a sweet message to follow along. It was only after a few seconds of allowing myself to wallow in self satisfaction that I felt the need to go save Zoey. With a final smirk of appreciation I dashed out of the room, knowing in the back of my head that the queen of all bitches was going to fall, hard. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, a blinding spotlight revealed the silhouette of Zoey surrounded by the cretins of Belvoire University. A sensation of guilt invaded the pit of my stomach as I looked over at the mugshot of my best friend, displayed for all to see. The confusion overtook me for a split second before I sprinted towards the wires, tearing its hold from the sockets. 

 “Hey, stop!”

 Whose voice was that? Who could stand there and enjoy what was happening to Zoey? 

I felt my cheeks furiously heating up, like I could explode any moment, and all that would be left is a pool of lava. I couldn’t refrain from scowling as I twisted my head in his direction

 “Eat my ass, Liam!”

 Yes that’s right Bea, a big verbal FUCK YOU to him will solve all of your problems, you idiot.

 I growled as the last of the cords are unplugged from the walls and the room goes silent. My eyes immediately fall on Zoey who shares a heartbreaking look with me, like she’s reaching out for me. She needs me. But even as I acknowledged that, I stood in place and watched as tomatoes were slung in the direction of my best friend. There wasn’t a spot on her body that hadn’t become a canvas to the rotting food, in fact the picture painted before me was quite the opposite of her usual appealing image.

  I wanted to get a closer look, I wanted to scan every part of her. I wanted to see the pain in her eyes...maybe I wanted to be the one who took it away. But all of those bottled up feelings meant nothing when Zoey raced through the front doors, her legs dragging the rest of her body, using every last bit of her strength to not break down right then and there. I wanted to run after her. I wanted to comfort her and hold her, and tell her that I’d fix this. But what could I possibly fix? What does she expect me to do? Maybe this will all blow over, I mean this is Poppy, who doesn’t she embarrass? I surely have been a victim, and it’s not like I wanted this to happen. I mentally patted myself on the back for uploading the credit card pictures to the T, this is going to be the sweetest revenge. That bitch will never see it coming. 

And she didn’t.

 I smirked confidently as I watched Poppy’s hastily retreating form, madly whispering into her phone to the great Piers Sinclair. Her father is gonna have a fucking field day with her, I thought. Rolling my eyes, I let out a chuckle. Who knew playing Poppy’s game could be so….fun? Exhilarating? This was only just the beginning of a feud that will end with my reign. A standing that I could not obtain without Zoey.

I knew that I’d have to go after her, and it’s not like I didn’t want to. But what would I say to her? 

 C’mon Bea, you’re going to talk to her. You’re going to ask her what that was all about. You aren’t going to push any boundaries. You’re going to show her that you care...deeply.

 I knew that Zoey had stolen my heart from the minute she grabbed my hands and pulled me into her world. I knew there was no escape, not with her. She was my world and I wanted so badly for her to trust me, to trust that whatever we’re trying to accomplish here at Belvoire, would bring us closer together. I had to go get my girl.

 After all, who else would comfort her if not me? I was the only one who cared enough.

~

Zoey’s POV

 I felt the remains of rotten tomatoes in every crevice of my body. The residue was not enough to distract me from the chills that invaded my spine, and it wasn’t because I was trudging with chunky tomato bits in my underwear on a freezing evening. My whole body felt numb, where was I going? Who do I go to now? I kept walking though, as if I’d encounter a solution to my complete annihilation. Maybe if I didn’t stop, I’d burn out eventually. Maybe I wouldn’t realize it when I hit the ground. Maybe I’ll wake up and be back home, safe and sound.

Sudden footsteps caused the thoughts in my head to jumble. As I turned to face the figure behind me, a rush of heat filled my lungs as I gasped, reaching for her. 

Bea. My Bea.

I wanted to cry out, to tell her how I felt. But in that moment, her arms offered me safety, the kind of warmth that resembles a thick blanket shielding a fragile body on an icy winter morning. I never wanted to let go. 

 “That was…so horrible Bea. No one...was-”, I shook violently against her chest, and she held on tighter. “No one was supposed to know about the...shoplifting thing!”

 Bea held me close as I struggled to breathe. I pulled my head back, careful not to ruin her outfit any more than I had, and looked into her eyes. They were concentrated on every inch of my face, her eyebrows creased with worry as she studied the remains of tomatoes that were dripping slowly from my head. I had the urge to pull away with shame, I….I didn’t want her to see me like this. 

I was Zoey Wade. But I don’t know who I am now. I don’t know what Bea thinks of me now. Everything I worked so hard for meant nothing in the end because of my past. I can’t help but feel like my past defines me, no matter how hard I struggled to lock it all away. 

 “Poppy is so vile for putting you on blast like that. What was that all about anyway?”

 Bea’s gaze was intense as she turned toward the house with a glare. I could feel her arms start to loosen its hold on me, and much to my dismay, I let her do it. She glanced quickly at me before facing the ground, taking a subtle breath and looking back up. 

 “I know it’s no consolation, but at least my plan worked. I got her credit cards! Her credit cards are going to be totally shot after this..”

 Bea’s eyes were creased with delight but I could see the pity radiating off of her dark features. I wanted to ask her what she was talking about. What credit cards? What does that have to do with me standing in fucking tomato waste? 

Bea reached out to caress my shoulders again.

 “That whole ‘Human Sacrifice’ thing is disgusting. I had no idea this is what she would do to you-”

 ...Suddenly the red liquid dripping down my chin didn’t resemble tomato remains to me anymore. It looked a lot more like blood, I felt as if her words psychically hooked onto my skin and tugged at it harshly. My vision began to blur, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing this time, and I pushed her back roughly. 

My legs started to shake violently as I tried to suppress the anger boiling within me. But that was impossible. 

 “Wait, to me? Bea, did you know she was going to do this to me?”

 This betrayal hurt more than anything that Poppy had said to me. I felt my throat start to close, was I even breathing anymore? Is this real? I stood there trembling in my own sorrow as I waited for Bea to respond. I prayed that this was all a misunderstanding, that she would use that charming voice of hers to melt my pain away. To reassure me that she cared for me and wouldn’t have allowed Poppy to have done what she did. But…I was terribly wrong. 

~

 Bea’s POV

 “Zoey I swear I literally just found out while in Poppy’s room. I came to warn you but I….I didn’t have enough time.”

 I’m not sure why Zoey pushed me out of her arms so suddenly, but all I knew was that this was not my fault. I wanted to lash out at her for even thinking of blaming me for whatever happened tonight. Does she not know how much I care about her? I’m standing here aren’t I? 

I let the feeling bubble down slowly before speaking again, this time looking straight into her big brown orbs, red and swollen with tears. 

 “Zoey...I had gone up there to go through with our plan….I  saw the cards and figured I’d have time to do both. But...that’s just not exactly how things turned out.” 

 I expected her to understand. How could I have possibly known that they’d throw tomatoes at her? I came here to find dirt on Poppy, we both knew that. I completed our objective, we were one step closer to taking down Poppy. 

Why couldn’t she acknowledge that? 

I tried to speak again but I was cut off by the menacing step Zoey took in my direction.

 “Not exactly how things turned out? What the hell Bea?”

 I didn’t think I’d find myself outside in freezing temperatures, being pulled by the jewel of my choker by my best friend. At least not in the way I had hoped for.

I felt Zoey’s hot breath dissolve across my face as she pulled me towards her, eyes seething with fury that you’d probably only see in hell. My lips quivered with surprise for a second before I was sent sprawling back onto my ass, the concrete scraping vigorously against the back of my bare legs. Leave it to me to get in a fight with my fucking underwear on.

I quickly sprang back up, brushing specs of dirt off my already bruised up legs, before scowling at her. 

 “What the hell is wrong with you? I don’t know why you’re so pissed at me. It’s not like I’m the one who put you on blast back there!”

 “But you knew about it, and instead of telling me, you went ahead and did what you thought was more important, didn’t you Bea?”

 “...Zoey we had a plan. Which I managed to do by the way! I thought you’d be happy but it looks like you’re fucking ungrateful!”

 Zoey’s eyes practically jumped out of her sockets as her jaw dropped open. 

I didn’t mean to say it...I didn’t. But a part of me felt that I was absolutely correct, it’s clear that she didn’t feel the same way though.

 “I’M UNGRATEFUL? Bea are you out of your goddamn mind?! Why the fuck would I ever be happy about this situation. It seems like you can’t understand why I feel the way I feel with that thick head of yours.”

 My body jolted forward as I proceeded to grab onto her once more, I wanted to hold her and make her listen to me. She could not leave until I explained. But all Zoey did was back up even farther, holding her arms out to stop me. Tears burst out from her crinkled eyes and she just stands there and lets it flow. There was no more holding back, as mascara started to mix with her tears. My heart broke at what was unfolding before me. 

I couldn’t even embrace her. I felt a hot spark of blood run through the veins in my arms, and my fingers started to tingle. It wasn’t long until they were practically numb. I felt numb. Was it from the cold? Or something else? I couldn’t tell you.....

 “Zoey...you know that I’d never do this on purpose, you know this isn’t me. This… this is all a big misunderstanding. Please listen to me-”

 When I tried to catch her gaze, every last bit of hurt that covered her face had completely disappeared. She looked empty and cold, something I never wanted to see again. Had I caused this?

 “That’s the thing Bea...I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not the same Bea who I watched walk onto campus and win the hearts of so many people...including mine.”

 I whipped my head up to stare at her like a deer caught in headlights. 

...I won her heart?

 A few beats of silence passed before I spoke again, my voice hoarse from all of the emotions I refused to display. I am stubborn, yes. I wanted to hear it from Zoey, I wanted her to tell me that she adored me. I wanted to know it was real, that it was never one sided. But it seems like the universe was always meant to be against me.

 “Zoey...I-”

 “No Bea. Just stop...I can’t do this right now.” Her shoulders freeze up as she exhales, a puff of breath glistening in the air as she wraps her arms around herself to shield the cold. “You aren’t my Bea...I don’t even think you realize how much you’ve hurt me, and that lets me know where you stand with...us.”

 She was wrong. Dead wrong. I did everything in my power to help her. To help us. It wasn’t fair that we would have this conversation in the middle of a fight, but I wasn’t going to let her end this. She will not walk away from me like this. I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore, any longer and I’d bite it clean off.

 “Zoey are you serious? That is not true! How are you going to admit your feelings and then walk off like it means nothing to me? Do I not deserve to have a say?”

 Zoey stood up straighter, the words that came out of her mouth were bitter. If I stood any closer to her, my skin would burn from the venom she spit.

 “The only thing you deserve to feel is the fact that you ruined every last bit of hope that we would be together. You don’t deserve me Bea...I can’t believe I didn’t realize that from the beginning..” She scoffs and shakes her head at me sadly, wiping the tears off of her face with her painted arms. 

 “What the hell does that mean? Zoey you-”

 “NO BEA! Can’t you see it? It always has to be about YOU. You’re the center of attention right? Ever since you started hanging out with Poppy’s lackeys...you’ve changed. I think you forget about the reason you have such expensive clothes on your back. How people only hang around you because of your status. But I’m not them Bea...I think you need to realize that I was the only person in all of Belvoire who wanted to know the real you.”

 “What are you saying Zoey?”

 “...You’d be nothing without me. Not here at least. This school never took your kind well, hell not even my kind.”

 A sharp laugh left my throat as I processed her words. I’d be nothing without her? This must be some kind of joke! How dare she even admit that?

She’s not wrong Bea. I stepped closer, ignoring the voice in my head and scoffed bitterly as my body trembled with adrenaline.

 “Is that right?”

  I raised my voice higher,  whipping my arms out towards the sky. “You hear that everyone? Me, Bea Hughes, would be nothing without Zoey Wade..” I lowered my hands and jabbed my finger in her direction. “You got a lot of nerve sayin’ that, am I correct? You know...Poppy was right about you being a social climber. That’s why you hung around me right? To use me?”

 “I don’t have to prove my feelings to you-”

 “But isn’t that what you said? I mean you’re right, I am popular. Is that what the problem is here? Is it jealousy that you feel? Keep in mind, before I waltzed on this campus you were a nobody. So the truth is Zoey Wade...you’d be nothing

 I jabbed my finger accusingly at her chest once more

 “without“

 Twice more

 “me..“

 A streak of blazing fire sent me stumbling backwards as her hand connected with my cheek. I clutched the tender area and reeled back to see blood staining my palms from the small cut her ring gave me. I totally deserve that don’t I? 

I turned to see Zoey inching towards me and I braced myself for another hit, but it never came. 

 “...Don’t ever speak to me like that again.“ Zoey shakes her quietly as she stares at her feet. Her voice vibrated loudly yet broke as she spoke, “I thought you were different...but Poppy has changed you. This game has changed you.”

 “Oh please-”

 Zoey snaps her head up to look at me. “Look in the mirror Bea, do you even recognize yourself anymore? I doubt it...you’re so blinded by this hunger for power that you ruin everything in your path. You’re becoming just like...” Her next words felt like a thousand needles were embedded in my palms. 

 “No...you are Poppy”. 

My breath caught in my throat as I stood there in shock.

If you had told me that my ex best friend would be telling me those exact words, I’d laugh in your face and throw a party celebrating my Poppy-free persona. But was she right? Had I tarnished everything I once cherished because of this obsession I have with my enemy? A thousand thoughts were running through my mind and I didn’t shake out of that trance until I realized that Zoey had already started walking away, shedding tomato off of her on the way.

Before I could stop myself, I shouted forcefully

 “Hey! Who do you think you’re walking away from? Zoey we’re not done!”

 Maybe that was the ignorance she was trying to tell me about..

 Zoey turned around one final time, her eyes full of grief for only a second until hardening, “Bea...do yourself a favor and humble yourself. Don’t forget where you came from...because trust me, they will never  let you forget.” 

~

 I let out a shaky breath as I watched Zoey walk away. 

I find it ironic how this tragedy has allowed me to realize how corrupted I’ve become. The picture of her walking away will forever be embedded in my mind, but one thing I can attest to is that Zoey never deserved to be dragged into the mess I made. 

 So I watched her walk out of my life, because maybe that’s exactly what I deserved. Maybe it’s what she deserved too. Only a fool would allow her to leave that night, and I was the biggest fool that ever set foot at Belvoire.

[ewdaviddd]

folklore think piece

for a lower case album such as this, i will be writing a lowercase think piece on the subject. i will not explain why. you get it or you don’t.

the 1: i have never been in love or any type of romantic relationship that left me with lasting feelings of any kind. but, on my fourth listen through of this song today, what once was just a promising and fun intro to this peasant girl summer gut punch, brought me to actual tears as i sat on the toilet in my lime green childhood bathroom as if i were mourning the one that got away (another great song). however, i am an expert on being hung up on the past, the “what could have been”, and made up hypotheticals. this song also introduces the film motif seen a lot in this album. i think dating an actor has really gotten to her. anyway what a killer way to begin, top notch stuff. how can a song be so fun and so soul crushing at the same time?

cardigan: when did taylor wear black lipstick? this is important to me. an old cardigan is an inherently bisexual article of clothing. that is not an opinion. i read it somewhere today and i believe it. this is the tip of the queer-coding ice berg in folklore, never fear. another reference, “tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy”. this year i wrote a movie script where both peter and wendy were both gay. coincidence? probably. basically this one is classic taylor poetry on every level and it being one of a trio in a larger story makes it that much better. yet again, high school romance is not a universal experience (like for me for instance) but haunting my “what-ifs” is going to haunt me for a long time. and the thought of someone saying i was their favorite cardigan makes me want to scream into a pillow.

the last great american dynasty: my favorite ts songs have always been the ones with detailed characters and stories and this one introduces the trope of the “mad woman” who comes back later on as well a long with many fun character details. at first this song is just cheeky and cute, very visual, a fun world to jump into. but then this particular stretch of lines makes your heart drop into your chest and reminds you why taylor isn’t just always fun and always cute and always creative, she also holds the ability to nimbly sock you in the gut when you least expect: “fifty years is a long time / holiday house sat quietly on that beach / free of women with madness, their men and bad habits / and then it was bought by me.” my jaw is still on the floor. and i’ve never bought a house myself. but i’ve spent numerous christmases having a marvelous time ruining everything (so i’ve been told) so this song still applies to my life.

exile (ft. bon iver): i’m gonna be honest. for as long as i can remember i have strongly disliked bon iver and i never remembered why. it is a matter of principle at this point. i just don’t trust him. but then taylor announced she wrote a song with him which filled me with tremendous anxiety. but i can rest easy. much like “the last time” this song is a ts and male artist collaboration i can get behind. also the film motif again: the only time i’ve left a theatre when i didn’t like a movie was never because movie tickets are so expensive and if i’m shelling out 11 dollars to sit in a chair, i’m staying the whole time no matter how bad the ending. but i probably would have left my sister’s keeper if i had seen it before if i’m being honest. so i get it. thats why i read spoilers for everything i watch before watching it, because the anxiety of worrying about how it ends make me not enjoy it in the first place. the end of this song: the call and response felt… ethereal? i felt like i was watching a broadway musical from the splash zone seats, crying as i was spat on.

my tears ricochet: this song is what i picture stepping outside in the middle of the night when an inch or so of snow has just fallen and i can see the flakes fall in front of a street light sounds like. or the scorned secret ex lover throwing themselves onto the coffin demanding to know why they weren’t enough.   which is to say it feels like a sign from some sort of god. yet again, haunting is brought up, an overt reference to the fact that this album will live in my brain rent free for eternity. for some reason this song reminds me of the relationship between hamilton and burr when burr kills hamilton. that could be because i just watched the disney+ recording last week. one lives, one dies, but neither survive, both pay for it. Which is a super romantic and understanding view on murder. both musical experiences equally chilling and moving. if i die under mysterious circumstances this will for sure be played at the funeral.

mirrorball: first off, this is my mom's favorite which is very important. also, it has skewered a very specific but also universal insecurity of mine; existing just to please others and yet miserably failing. it is comforting that ts is not a “natural’ and feels she must always “try try try” because i too lack natural ability, but also rarely “try” even just the one time. the best way i can describe listening to this song is walking through a silent disco where everyone else is listening to some classic lady gaga jam and you are listening to a calming lullaby sung very far away. but don’t let the soothing sounds fool you. it still will have you reflecting on what it means to look and be looked at. a dark rabbit whole, like falling through the looking glass. i’ve never actually read that book though so i could be wrong.

seven: i’m dumb and on my first listen of this song i thought she “hit her peak” at 7 clock as opposed to age seven. but i always saw taylor swift as someone with an early bedtime. also a fun discovery while writing this, “seven” is the 7th song on the track list. clever. although this song is young and innocent and so nostalgic for a time when screaming ferociously was a widely accepted form of expression, it also sounds like a very old secret someone is whispering to me. a love from long ago that lasts beyond the person being in your life, passed down to me and it all just sounds a little gay. not just because of the specific line to hiding in the closet. but that certainly doesn’t go unnoticed. when i was seven i was definitely in love with girls and assumed that was just what friendship was, playing pirates and making plans of running away together.

august: the eighth track for the eighth month. her mind. also my birth month so that’s special. controversial opinion: from what i’ve read most people seem to think illicit affair is the third song in the triage of teen love. i will strongly make the case that it's actually this one. first of all, the subject: a short lived summer fling, which is specifically mentioned later in “betty”. the central heartbreak of this song is liking someone who always belonged to someone else. yes, this song is a window into a different summer, far from pandemic central and the escapist imagery is delightful. but a whole song from the pov of the “other woman” to james and betty is just so much more fun. and there are two more specific lyrics that prove my point. “remember when i pulled up and said "get in the car”” you will see later comes back from the other person’s perspective. and most of all: the repeated line, “meet me behind the mall”? only teenagers make plans to meet up behind a mall. i rest my case. so now we have cardigan and august. two pieces of the puzzle.

this is me trying: i’m glad i now have a succinct message to send to anyone when they ask me what the hell i’m doing at any given moment. this song just sounds like regret and waste in the most self-assured and confident way. this is “back to december” with the training wheels off.  i have no apologies for my efforts at wasting all my potential. but in this song, taylor has opened her arms to me in a warm embrace and has forgiven me for all i’ve done wrong and reminds me to not take for granted the “try”. okay mom. i’m crying again, but okay.

illicit affair: this is the kind of thing that makes you feel sixteen, living in a dull suburb, while secretly screwing your 38 year old married neighbor who’s rich but wants to be an artiste. aka like a character in euphoria or something. it’s sexy and dangerous until you think about it and then it's just dingy and creepy. but this song starts and stays beautiful. most importantly, this song is too sad and depressing frankly, to be a part of the trilogy. we could never forgive james for leaving such a mess and making her a fool. you don’t want to be this girl. you want to walk up to her and shake her and yell “you exist and will not be ruined by any dumb man”. and that’s feminism.

invisible string: is it reductive if i say this one’s about joe? all my non-stan friends have asked me which ones are about him. we forgive them and point them in this direction. because it is lovely and beautiful that we are all tied to our soulmate for our whole lives before we ever meet them (because that would in fact mean that there is someone out there for everyone which might be naive or dumb but i am both of those things and whats the point of living if you don’t believe in the power of love). this honestly gives me “begin again” vibes in the best way. it’s red-era level with the wisdom of lover-era tay. sublime.

mad woman: the second mention of the “mad woman” as both taylor herself and the character in the story. as usual, tay stays calling out double standards and the manipulation of women into “going crazy” for expressing reasonable anger. I, personally, wish i could say “fuck you forever” without someone saying i’m “overreacting”. this is my least favorite song on the album and i’d still listen to it three times in a row and need to resist the urge to set a man’s lawn on fire. just girly things.

epiphany: i know she said this one is about her grandfather’s experience in the military but all i imagine is a slow montage of harry style’s character in “dunkirk” on the beach. and it’s beautiful. and much like my sophomore in high school self reading “all quiet on the western front” it evokes a pain from deep inside me that engulfs a loss i could never describe and a sadness too awful to witness. you will listen to this song and feel absolutely powerless to the will of the universe and it’s cruelty. and the faint but steady heart monitor beep in the background… i’ve never seen “grey’s anatomy” but i can imagine why it has so many fans sobbing. and let me end on this: two soldiers in some old war (meaning both men based on dunkirk) watching each other like this and living and dying together…gay.

betty: the first verse was pulled directly out of my subconscious fantasy of being in love in high school and it being so wonderful and painful and dramatic. and taylor riding a skateboard… is a mood. the song has been out for less than a week and it’s already a cold take to talk about how this is her gayest song to date (close runner-ups being reputation’s “dress” and “cardigan”). but of course i will still talk about it. the lyrics embody such authentic awkward gay energy (see the lesbian in booksmart for reference) and having been a 17 year old only three years ago, i can say with reasonably good authority that no 17 year old straight boy could stand in front of a crowd of peers and beg forgiveness from a girl he hurt. it’s just not realistic. these are all awkward, over-dramatic, young girls stumbling through love. and it’s awesome. james is the speaker of this song, and the subject of “august”, the summer fling that was never truly there due to james’ love for betty, the titular role of this song. thus completing the love triangle. and there are so many obvious references in this song to both “august” and “cardigan”. rhyming cardigan with car again makes me want to light myself on fire in the best way. i love it. “i dreamt of you all summer long” is the final nail in the coffin for the girl in “august” who was clearly just a place-holder. totally separate from taylor swift, my favorite word is porch. so the amount of times it appears in her lyrics is wonderful. say it out loud. it just feels nice. anyway, this song makes me want to be young and dumb and in love. the second can really only be tolerated because of the first and third. i hope the story has a happy-ending. if james were a boy i’d wish him the plague.

peace: the coming-of-age movie starring james and betty (and inez) is over. we have come to “the age” i guess. there’s a thought that’s gonna fester. if this song was just the line, “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” over and over for four minutes it would still smash me to pulp and fill my body with helium gas. i can and will cause a car wreck when this comes on the aux. if this song is what being grown up is like (bare in mind grown up to me is like, 30) then i’m ready to be done coming of age. because i already worry if i’ll be at all enough for anyone and way too much for someone at the same time. but like all good poetry, this song isn’t about what it “means”, but how it “feels”. and this is new york city, the summer, pouring rain, a long walk home, desperately fearing and hoping they are there waiting for you.

hoax: a one-sided conversation between me and my stubborn clinical depression. i too, constantly stand alone on the cliff demanding a reason. one has not yet been presented. it operates both within and and against me. i could be bigger and stronger than it. but instead i tend to it like a prickly plant. (“no other sadness in the world will do”). there is nothing both sadder and funnier then the scene in “avatar: the last airbender” when prince zuko stands alone on a cliff screaming at the sky for lightning to strike him. i don’t know why this song reminds me so much of that. what a way to end such an emotional rollercoaster. it is so emotionally draining that it simply forces me to start folklore again from the top and listen to it all over again.  or take a long therapeutic nap.

there are no skips. and it will still surprise you on your 267th listen. proceed with caution.

i knew you, in a past life maybe. i have not met you yet, but folklore has made me believe you exist.

@taylorswift 10/10 good work

@taylornation this had to be shared and i don’t have a twitter so