#i genuinely feel like i started looking at my art in way healthier way ever since i played this game

[wis-art]

it's hard to drive a perfect racing line when you're in an RWD 425 BHP car and it is raining, sometimes it's better to take it easy because a crash will costs you seconds and pushing your brake a little so you take the corner slower will only loose you fractions of a second

[armedjoy]

a long and (later on) personal post about my engagement and future on this site beneath the cut

to start, some observations about my time here:

disco elysium holds the record for the first fandom im truly engaging with. i check the tags, read the 'spinoff' fiction, its fun. one could say our ideological milieus here are themselves a fandom, but in terms of something thats strictly media, this is it. going on 11 years here and thats what broke the streak, its that fucking good.

i regret deleting my sideblog 'information-nexus' back in '15. it was an organized and well-tagged news, theory, "how-to", and resource blog, but it was taking way too much of my time. i was attempting to make a whole ass virtual library on tumblr, which is far too ambitious for one person, especially considering that it would never pay bills. i shouldve opened it up to some friends to co-mod it and dialed back my involvement. oh well

i regret less the deletion of 'film-space' in '14. posts were just the movie poster with a brief summary of the plot and then a quick review. i came up with my own system that reworked the 4 star ratings into how id recommend based on genre preferences. film reviews in print seem to belabor the point and online reviews seem to lean too heavily on arbitrarily defined scoring. the point should be to either encourage or dissuade readers from seeing it, not remind them you're the wittiest person in the room or that you've atomized the medium into an exploded diagram, and i held to that. it forced me to watch movies more critically wrt to both the art form and the politics it portrayed. but i took an extended break from the site and lost momentum. it just seemed... pointless

ive been pretty bad with managing every inbox/ chat ive ever had - except this one, the personal blog. i tell myself "i'll get around to answering that" and thats been a lie most of the time. the vast majority of my time here is spent reading things that cross my dash, so getting a question on a completely different subject seems to exceed my bandwidth. i genuinely enjoy most of my interactions here but im simply not in the correct mindset most days. that said, most of the mail 'left-reminders' has gotten just feels like im being asked to do an undergrads homework.

i havent posted my face in, what, 8 years? which i might change. i mean im already fucked - ive posted some wild shit before [REDACTED] was a meme, and my face is already linked to this blog & backed up somewhere at fort meade. whats another hole in an already sunk ship, yeah?

funnily enough, i originally joined to post my photography & short stories. look how that turned out lmao

why am i posting this? ive been seriously evaluating my continued presence here. for some time ive had a desire to leave, which up to this point has been greatly outweighed by the reasons to stay. there are other platforms that are bigger, faster, algorithmically supercharged to provide every niche interest you allow it to know... but im still not as invested as i am here. tumblr's appeal is equal parts utilitarian and sentimental - no other platform has been this educational, informing, and entertaining. this place really is the internets bleeding edge for both humor and anarchist/ communist discourse. and for more personal reasons, i have greatly valued sharing this little corner of the internet with you all. i have enjoyed sharing each of your interests and discussions, witnessing your personal developments. know that this random guy on the internet is & always has been rooting for you.

ive had some serious rough patches over the last decade, and ive used this site as a grounding rod as much as a resource and social outlet. but my friend group is vast now, im living healthier, and im making positive changes. for the first in a very long time, i am truly feeling better, finally moving beyond 'managing' into 'growing.' and more than anything, i need to grow creatively.

simply put, writing fiction is the calling of my heart. and if im to commit to it, i cannot divide my attention. beyond being my sole committed creative outlet, it helps me manage daily life. writing feels like gardening: in the structure it builds to do it right, the determination it requires to continue when i fail, and the joy it inspires when i create. when an idea settles in and i can piece it together while going about my day, only sitting down to write when i know most of it. the emotion i experience after unwinding something that has rooted itself around my mind is tremendous and complicated - it feels like an exorcism, of sorts. the feverishness that seizes me to get it all down before it slips away, the relief when i know i can finally move on, the pride of creation, and the dreadful anticipation of being read - all of it is a bittersweet cup that i will gladly return to.

i need to make space for that, with whatever little amount of bandwidth i have to work with. i refuse to wake up one day knowing that i have postponed the only thing thats ever meant a damn to me, only to realize ive run out of time. i will not squander whats left.

at some point, i know i need to put this behind me. this, and several other self-imposed obligations, must greatly diminish or disappear entirely. it might be in a few weeks or a year, but it has to happen. i might keep this one up, sporadically popping in for occasional exchanges, and pass off the sideblogs to someone else. i've already scrubbed the archive. or maybe i'll just delete entirely; perhaps virtual presences are best if they resembled a sand mandala, something designed to be swept away to make space for something - or someone - new.

i had to write this down, get this all out, if only for myself. i cannot begin to estimate the amount of time ive spent here, so it had to be said for my own reconciliation of that time... and to keep myself to it.

when im ready to leave, i'll let you all know.

[mxrainbownoodle]

Tumblr I am so sorry

You have been forgotten and updated the least and for that I apologize I wouldn't be the artist I am today without you. This is a doozy but long over due and my first step in returning back to falling in love with art again

The bottom pictures are a small "series" I did it started in mid 2017 when I returned back to Savannah to pursue art

And right before I started therapy

My therapy application had a line that said "what do you want to get out of this" and when I went in I didn't know, but when I saw that question much like when I wrote in Rain into a name bar without thinking I wrote " I want to know who I am"

2017-2019 those pieces on the bottom were done.

These would be done 3-4 YEARS before top surgery or even starting T. I literally came back to school indirectly changing my name subconsciously and now was asking who am I to myself, over and over.

Up until this point I'd been living the way I thought I should, the way I thought would please the most people, what was most acceptable, but when I went into therapy and I saw that box, I realized I had not a damn clue who I was under all I thought I had to be, I needed to, I should try to be.

I didn't know Rain yet and they very much was who was trying to form at that time. I had their name, OUR name, but I didn't know what Rain should look like. Everything I liked or thought I liked was all things I learned I should like or was okay with in reason to like or if I were to be weird or gay or trans then I had to look that sort of way to, but I wasn't fitting the perfect (fake as fuck) androgynous mold either

I never envisioned an ideal of myself that wasn't influenced by what I thought would be acceptable enough of family or friends to honestly leave me alone and not ask any questions above bare minimum, because I'd learn in therapy I never felt safe to explore myself nor had the chance with all the trauma with sperm donor and more. I paused.

I paused a long LONG part of my development and finding myself that most people do in their late teens that lay the foundation.

That who am I series was for the first time in my life I was in healthier environments where people were asking me my interest, what I like, what I did for fun and I struggled to answer any of those simple questions and that's because I was with people that genuinely were asking about my core and I didn't need to super mask anymore, but I unfortunately didn't know and cause I didn't need to mask I wasn't saying practices responses or things I know I needed for approval instead it left me with a lot of questions for myself.

The picture on the top is from 2022 I did it for my graduation photo and when paired beside these "who am I series" it makes for a beautiful complete story of where I started finding me nodding to whom I even was in 2017-2019 and where we ended up by 2022

Which is: We're neither one thing or another. We don't need to look any kind of way. We don't have to ever recognize a reflection that's gonna change with age what we needed has always been inner peace a sense of control of our own body with choices that only survey to make us feel good. Cause we aren't chasing what pleases others anymore we are chasing what feels good to us and in that is where broken pre me has had the journey of becoming whole and grounded and confident in who we are as a person. We found ourself at the end of the day or years and it was never in the reflection because it's been buried so deep within

You know how you hold a prism to the light and all the colors show through? I was looking at a prism reflection without ever shedding any light inside to get to the RAINbow I've had to shine light on myself in order to come through

This has just extremely humbled me and my own existence and happy art coming full circle unknowingly and I wanted to share it with you all

[vyl3tpwny]

everything in my life is changing

there's no simple way of starting off a writing like this.

but lots of things in my life have been changing, both external and internal forces. i really want to talk about as much of it as i can.

this is sort of a mental health update, an overdue one.

voreburger made this art. im embracing the fact that im a creature nowadays.

–

kicking old habits

it's sort of a weird think to think about how my first two years living independently have been defined by both the pandemic and the widespread unrest across the country in the most politically radicalized displays ive ever seen up close and with my own conscious experiences. it's been very terrifying, but sobering.

in all of that, though, i found myself arguing and fighting more online than i ever have. which is certainly saying something, if you know how i was in the past online. i think these days, my personal beliefs are far more noble and informed than in my past, but despite that i think it's been really unreasonable to go about life as i had been for a while. being confrontational and assertive in this way has always been a very unhealthy side of me.

needless to say, many of the events of the past year and a half — especially confrontations with people i had known before — ushered in a realization that this is something i need to change about myself. it didn't matter if what i was fighting for was moral or noble in any way. it's genuinely just time that i stopped fighting with people all the time. one of the biggest reasons i've accepted this is especially out of fear of going off on someone who genuinely isn't a bad person or acting out of place, and i'm just overreacting or whatever. in most cases, now, i think it's just best to remove myself from situations that could evoke those feelings and learn to be more graceful. its just bad for my mental health, and it's not like it helps anyone else's mental health either. i don't have to be everyone's teacher or moral compass. if someone's a passive asshole, i should probably just preserve my own energy and protect the people that matter to me.

i think this is healthier for everyone.

in general, the transition between teenager-ness and adulthood was so grey and uninformed. its so weird. when you become a legal "adult", it really doesnt feel like anything's changed. when you become aware of your responsibilities and start to examine aspects of yourself that are certainly negative or toxic especially as an adult, THEN it starts to feel like something is happening. but for a while, it was such a grey area and lots of things didnt make sense. i think i have a much better grip on who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing these days.

i took this photo back in late 2016 during some depressive episode. i used it for the cover of my small album project "apathy". its nostalgic and cool looking, but i cant help but think about how i was still very much an unhinged dickhead then. its amazing how much people just tolerated me somehow.

—

cutiemarks; new traumas & old memories

cutiemarks is certainly the most personal and transparent music project i've ever made, and it's not a coincidence that it was written when it was. there are so many stories ive thought about in my head and they all began to fill my heart as drastic things began to happen throughout the last year and a half.

i'm grateful nobody's really prodded about it, but yeah i went through the hardest breakup and most intense social crisis i've ever faced in my entire life at the beginning of 2021. i examined the events of my life and personality as a result of it. i began to experience an unbearable and continued social anxiety and dysphoria unparalleled to anything i'd come to know as well. i'm still in that too, but i hung out with galaxysquid the other week. it was the first time in over a year i had chosen to see someone that isnt a roommate on my own accord. that was a big step for me. cutiemarks is what took shape from all this turmoil.

when thinking about my past memories, i go through a lot of my photos. but none compare to this one. i always come back to this one of me and sylver working on super pony world (2016) in 2015 at a coffee shop.

—

accepting changes and learning things about myself

these are all big things. but as i worked and as i began to spend time in new spaces, falling in love with eden, and taking a step back from everything, i realized how much stuff was happening under the surface that was affecting me on a much bigger level than i would've ever expected.

i came to accept my being neurodivergent, something i never felt like i could've understood or accepted in the past. it explains so many things about myself and has helped me understand a lot of things that have long puzzled me. i've been discovering ways of articulating it all better and living with it. lots of things & mindsets i used to write off as trivial or unhelpful are now becoming important aspects of my life that help me stay organized and think better. it's all been positive. understanding how i process information and respond to things as a result of the way my brain works has been super important too. when things become less of a mystery about yourself, it's super cathartic and just opens up a whole buncha shit in your brain.

coming to terms with my introversion and boundaries is another huge thing. i've always been such a pushover when it comes to social things. it had gotten to the point where i was having panic attacks about like everything. so i've been putting my [hoof] down more about who i want to be around and what i want my spaces to look like. i still felt obligated to stay connected with lots of different people who'd been around since even my edgiest days. and again, i'm not going to be a moral compass for anyone, but i'm just not comfortable around those kinds of people anymore. i want to be around people who make me happy and comfortable. i want to be able to take a deep breath and relax.

setting more boundaries and unfollowing a lot of people who i felt obligated to has been something ive been needing to do too. and now i'm finally doing it. ive been too accessible and too open for too long, and it had gotten to the point where my current place as a creator and my level of introversion and lack of attention span has made it impossible to be who i used to be. i used to respond to every comment and answer every message and thats just totally unrealistic now!

this is literally how i feel (art made by eden <3)

—

being a musician, shifts in perspective, and realizations

between antonymph and lesbian ponies with weapons, i think everyone can feel what i've been thinking lately. and that is: fuck it.

i grew up in music elitism in all the worst ways. i was always in all the wrong spaces, all of which often felt like they perpetuated elitism in some way. my ego was sooooooooo huge for the lonnnnnngest time and even when i finally stopped feeling so pretentious and competitive, feelings of being a perfectionist and feeling limited to what things i was allowed to do in creativity still persisted. after putting out "queen of misfits" i realized that i should be able to do whatever i want within moral reason. so i decided to do just that with the direction i shifted "fairytails" in — then even further with "cutiemarks".

i realized that feeling boxed in creatively perpetuated feelings of depression and competitiveness in the most unhealthy ways. learning to have fun and to create however i felt was huge.

i also realized ive felt inhibited by all my client work, and thats something im going to change a lot moving forward. it's felt difficult to work on any personal projects while client work has loomed over me. ive also definitely not been charging nearly enough to how much i should be. so, moving forward im going to raise my prices a lot more, take very limited slots, and be a lot more reasonable out of it. and i dont want to take anymore commissions for a while anyway. i have a huge queue and its only recently dawned on me how stressed out its been making me feel. i wanna power through everything i have in my queue and then just finally get to working on Promise Complex. i feel so giddy and excited thinking about all the ideas ive been ruminating on for years with regards to the album. i wanna get thru my commissions so i can finally make my dream album.

my creative space feels so comfortable and full though. its like whenever i have an idea for anything i can just jump right on it. its nice.

—

so what does it all mean?

how do i summarize this. honestly, it's high time i lived my life the way i want to. i want to curate my own spaces without feeling guilty that someone will feel left out or jealous. i want to talk to who i want to and answer when i feel comfortable to, rather than doing anything because i feel obligated to. i want to be clear about my boundaries and not feel guilty for having them. i want to create in the ways i want to and denounce elitism for my sake and for the sake of other creators. i want to stop fighting and being a moral compass, especially so as not to hurt well-meaning people in the process. i need to be aware and attentive to how my brain works and just make all the right choices for myself.

i've been making new friends, embracing old ones, it all feels really good. honestly eden, pico/klez, lucas, bunny, izzy, hazel, jamie, kai, chiba, ricky, neko, you've all had such a huge influence on my life in the most positive ways possible. i'm so happy about life.

as a result of all the changes ive been making and all the shifts in my mentality, i've been able to talk about my problems more openly and transparently. i've been able to work out a lot of things and sort things out. it's so refreshing. it feels so refreshing to be able to just talk freely, tell people to their face how i'm feeling. no more games. no more hints. i love life and i love trying to feel positive. i've learned to deal with hard things with a smile, something i never expected to be able to do.

since the big breakup, things have improved for both of us and we're actually the best of friends and actually we're soooooo cool and we'll take on the world as best friends because we're so cool. i think bun is amazing and i think hazel is amazing too. i really love eden and i think we're going to do so many cool things too. as a result of falling in love with eden and making a lot of life changes, ive felt more expressive and colourful than ever before, which i think is something very different than what im used to. its a good thing. its all good shit. forever it felt like i didnt have real emotions and now theres colour in my cheeks as i can feel feelings for what seems like the first time ever.

so. i've learned to be graceful in new ways. and i've learned to be more assertive in others. all my friends are the coolest. eden is the love of my life. and i have so many things i want to create.

thanks for reading this all the way through if you did. it's not organized very well, but it articulates my feelings as they've come.

(we love each other actually)

[fansofvow]

Interview with Eve Golden Woods!

Many of you know who is Eve is. She's a writer and artist, a part of Dreamfeel studios whose beautiful game If Found won Best LGBTQ Narrative and Best LGBTQ Indie game at the first ever Gayming Awards presented by EA games. I am really excited I had the chance to ask Eve some questions about herself, her time at Lovestruck and her creative process.

Congratulations on the two Gayming Awards (Best LGBTQ Narrative, Best LGBTQ Indie Game) for "If Found" from your game studio, Dreamfeel. What was the inspiration behind making the game?

If Found... was a game that emerged out of a collaboration between Llaura McGee, the founder of Dreamfeel, and artist Liadh Young. Liadh's background is as a comic artist, and so when they started working together Llaura had the idea of showing off Liadh's art by making a diary game, and using an erasing mechanic she had previously developed to let the player move through the diary in a fun way. By the time I came on board at the start of 2019, the game had already been in development for a while, so in some ways my work on that game was similar to the work I did for Voltage, because it was taking existing characters and concepts and writing a lot of scripts for them. Unlike Voltage, though, my work for Dreamfeel was a lot more collaborative and I had a lot more creative input. I really enjoy taking something and helping to make it the best version of itself that it can possibly be, but I was also really happy that I got to reflect a lot of my own experiences in If Found. Llaura and I both grew up on the west coast of Ireland, and although If Found... isn't autobiographical for either of us, it was definitely really meaningful to be able to tell a story that reflected our own experiences of growing up as queer teens in a similar kind of environment. Since the game came out we've had fans reach out to us and tell us that they also connected to the experiences of the main characters, and as far as I'm concerned, that makes me feel like I achieved everything I wanted to.

You are a writer and a visual artist. Does one come easier to you than the other?

I used to think of art and writing as talents, and I always felt like my art was at a very mediocre level (that's probably still true, lol). So when I was younger I focused a lot more on writing. It was only later that I started genuinely trying to improve as an artist, but when I did, I think I had a much healthier mindset, and approached it as a skill I could learn with patience and effort. Because of that, even though I still have a lot more confidence in my writing, I find art more fun and relaxing, and I don't stress about it as much.

Did you always know you would follow a creative path?

Kind of? Both my parents are artists, and I grew up surrounded by artists and writers, so it was something that was always very familiar and accessible to me. On the other hand, I didn't exactly have a clear idea of how to make it into a career, or what kind of work would be involved. But there's never been a point in my life where I wasn't doing something creative, even if it was only writing fanfiction.

What did your path to working professionally as a writer/artist look like?

I did a creative writing masters in college, but after that I spent years teaching English as a second language. That was really fun and I got to live abroad, but it was so busy and tiring that I didn't have time to do any writing outside of the occasional fanfic. I only started to take art seriously again when I became interested in games and comics as ways of telling stories. I did some critical writing, which led me to speak at a few local events and get involved in zine fairs. That was how I met Llaura, the director and lead of the Dreamfeel studio, and it's also what gave me the confidence to start applying for actual writing jobs.

Is there any work of art, visual or written, that you look to for inspiration?

So many! I try to read and watch as widely as I can, although there are touchstones I always return to, like the works of Ursula Le Guin and Terry Pratchett. Right now I feel very passionate about the actual play podcast Friends at the Table, which manages to combine really thoughtful worldbuilding and storytelling with cool, fun characters and great action scenes. I'm also reading a book called The Memory Police by Youko Ogawa, which has extremely beautiful prose.

Do you have a favorite piece of your own art, whether it is something you’ve drawn, a screenshot of something you’ve written or something else?

My favourite piece of art is usually whatever I finished most recently (I think that's true for a lot of people). Especially with visual art, once a bit of time has gone by you look back on it and start to notice all your mistakes, which is very annoying. But actually I do still really like the first piece of Fiona fanart I did last year. I managed to use some effects to give it a kind of nineties anime quality that I find really fun, and I think it conveys an emotion pretty effectively. That's always one of the hardest things to predict with visual art, whether the different parts will come together to create the exact mood you're looking for.

I also really like the compass I did for Bycatch. Krissy (@xekstrin) was the one who suggested filling it with fingernails, which was such a good, gross idea! As soon as I heard that I knew it was perfect and that I had to try and draw it.

Many people who read this blog know you as a writer for Lovestruck. When you look back on your time there, what stands out in your mind?

Lovestruck was very important to me when I first started because it was my first ongoing, regular, paid writing work. It gave me a lot of confidence and helped me to get into the habit of writing consistently and rapidly, which is a really useful skill to have. I know I was right to leave when I did, though, because I am just brimming with energy to work on my own projects, and channeling that power into something that you can't control will always end up disappointing you. Also, I made a ton of incredible friends, through Lovestruck itself but then even more so through VOW (@vowtogether), and that is more than worth all the difficult parts.

Is there any character that you would have liked a crack at writing?

Oh gosh, what a fun question! There are so many, but one I do sometimes think about is Axia, just because I know there are a bunch of fans who want her route, and because I had fun writing her as a villain in Zain's route. I can see in my head the shadow of a storyline that takes place after Zain's route is over, where she's in prison and trying to understand how she lost the battle with Zain and MC. I think there's, like, a gap there, where you could see her downfall forcing her to reconsider her assumptions about power, and that could build into a very interesting redemption story. But maybe it's for the best I never got to do that, because I would have wanted full creative control over it, and also I think the story in my head is very different to the sexy, in control, menacing version of Axia that her fans enjoy.

Do you have any upcoming projects you can talk about?

Most of my current work is under NDA, but I will say that I'm doing something very exciting with other VOW members that we should be able to talk about soon(ish). Maybe I can even give a little teaser... It's not a game, but it is something you can read, and my part involves cakes, swamps, and a museum.

Do you have a favorite quote or song lyric?

It's a big long, but there's a section from The Dispossessed by Ursula le Guin that has stayed with me ever since I read it:

"For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead kings, and we each of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? No man earns punishment, no man earns reward. Free your mind of the idea of deserving, the idea of earning, and you will begin to be able to think."

It's such a profoundly radical way of imagining the world, so different to everything I was raised with, but whenever I think about it I feel like I can see something very beautiful and powerful that I hope to come closer to understanding some day.

And of course, "Solidarity forever, the union makes us strong."

I was a big fan of the show Inside the Actor’s Studio. Host James Lipton asked every single guest the same 10 concluding questions. I’ve picked 3 of them:

-What is your favorite word?

My favourite word: for sound, I like words you can really roll around on your tongue. Chthonic, alabaster, insinuation. For meaning, I think simple words that encapsulate big concepts have a kind of power to them. We use them so often we forget how big they are, how much weight they really have, but they give us the space to imagine new possibilities. Love. Freedom. Revolution.

-What is your least favorite word?

I've heard that "moist" is a lot of people's least favourite word but it doesn't actually bother me. My least favourite word is probably one where I feel like the sound doesn't match the meaning. One of the Irish words for rain is báisteach, which I feel has a much weightier and more onomatopoeic sound than rain. Rain is just very flat and uninteresting.

-What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Oh, so many! I love history, and I think being a historian/archaeologist would be fascinating. Or something that had a physical component to it, like being a potter or a carpenter. I don't think I'd be any good, but I'd love to take the time to learn.

What would be your advice to anyone who wants to pursue a creative career?

All the work you do matters. Even the failed experiments, the things you hate when they're finished. It all helps to make you better. Also, creative career paths are often really unexpected, so chase any opportunity that seems remotely interesting. Don't work for free for anyone who can afford to pay, but work for yourself and put it somewhere. On a blog, twitter, whatever. You'd be amazed how many people get noticed and get offered opportunities because of something they made in their spare time. You'll probably have to work another job for a long time, so don't be hard on yourself if you're too tired to devote much energy to creative work. Try to make art consistently, but don't feel like that has to mean every day. Don't chase after celebrities. Make friends with your peers.

[palettepainter]

Coming out

A quick message before you get into the story - I really wanted to do something for LGBT cuz I always end up forgetting or not having time to finish any drawings, most of the time I just do art about my OC’s and what their cannon sexualities are - but this year I wanted to do something a bit more serious, if that makes sense I’ve always been told by parents and friends that as long as you are coming out to people who you trust and people you know who will support you, then in the end, everything will be fine. I’ve always thought that if I where to ever be bisexual, gay, asexual or any other LGBT term that I would be comfortable to open up to my family. My preferences for who I like romantically aren’t really something I think all about that much. I’ve never dated and thus far all my luck with crushes and boys has just been really bad - and as someone who was and still is incredibly shy about dating and pretty much anything romantic I’ve learnt to not rush into things, I’ll find out who/what I like in time Now that I’m older I’ve been thinking more on it, and though I don’t want to go too deep into this stuff since it is personal, even with a supportive family I still have that fear of talking about these sorts of things. I wanted to write this story to show that even despite the fact someone may have a supportive family, supportive friends or even just that one supportive person in their life - overcoming that hurdle of fear and exposing a part of yourself that is so personal and dear, is terrifying. It’s a big relief to finally talk about these things yes, especially if you’ve been forced to shut these kinds of things away (in which case I hope you are in a happier healthier environment). But even with that in mind it can be hard for anyone to open up about these things, even those who know they’re in a safe environment and know they have family to support them. I don’t know if I got that message into this story, this is my first time writing something that tackled LGBT this seriously so I hope I was able to do it right. Okay message over ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A story between Jaakuna (Comoress x Kashu, oc) and Jizuko (Monoma x Pony) Jaakuna in my cannon NGAU is gay, whereas Jizuko is bisexual. Jizuko if the first person Jaakuna comes out to, and Jizuko is fiercely supportive. So here’s a little coming out story between my OC’s!~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jizuko had been happily doodling away idly in one of her notebooks when the door to her room suddenly opened, and none other then Jaakuna stepped inside. She rose a brow, watching as he stepped inside without a word and bumped her door closed with his heel “Ever heard of knocking?” She asked, brow cocked as she moved her head up from her notebook “I could have been changing or something” Jaakuna, still not saying a word, walked over to her bed, sat down, and then let his body flop backwards against the mattress. Jizuko rose a brow further, examining his face, though his gaze was skyward there was something distant about it, as though he was lost somewhere deep in thought. She titled her head, nudging his shoulder with her foot “Hello? Gunna answer me??” She asked, honestly not caring about her previous questions, but now just curious to see if he’d speak. Jaakuna behind closed doors with close friends, to her, was a much more quite and chill person, but that aside, he was never totally silent. When she got not response, she put down her notebook and shuffled on the bed, sitting cross legged besides him while she hugged an one of her many plushies to her chest “..You wanna talk about it?” She asked, resting her head a top of her toys. “Mngh..” Jizuko moved and picked up another one of her plush toys, and placed it ontop of Jaakuna’s chest, where his hands reached up to hold it, lazily running his fingers through the soft felt - something she’d learnt he liked to do with her toys and pillows, but something he’d always deny when she asked about it. “Something happen??” She continued, arms returning to her own plushy “...I think I might be having a mid-life crisis” Jizuko blinked “..Well, that’s something” she clarified with a slow nod. Jaakuna replied with a small hum “...Wanna talk shit about it?” She asked innocently Many where surprised when Jizuko would say Jaakuna was one of her closest friends, the two couldn’t be more opposites if they tried. Jizuko was small and dainty looking, she liked cutesy things, her dorm itself was full to the brim with things that she loved: manga volumes, cooking books, plush toys and pillows, all the listed items for a typical ‘cute’ person. Jaakuna was dark and grumpy, often brooding in the corner silently or cussing out something or someone. Years ago, Jaakuna would have been someone she would avoid in the hallways - but beyond that edgy shell was a genuinely sweet and caring person. Jaakuna was caring, very caring, perhaps cared too much about his close friends. Deep down he had a big heart, but like many typical boys, he struggled to verbalise those feelings, and thus ended up getting angry. Jizuko and him shared a connection with that, both cared a lot for friends and family, and yet both felt as though they could only be heard by yelling their opinions. Their bond was what Jizuko would call special - Jaakuna had let his walls down a few times, letting her see him at his most vulnerable. She felt flattered he trusted her enough, and in turn she never told a soul what he would share with her - what he told her would stay with her till the day she died, Jaakuna had made her promise that. “Mngh..” Jaakuna all of a sudden looked..she couldn’t put her finger on it. He hugged the plushie to his chest, peering away from Jizuko. “Uh..it’s kinda complicated..” he started “Yeah, a life crisis usually is” Jizuko reasoned Jaakuna’s cheeks flushed a light pink, Jizuko quirked a brow but didn’t comment on it, not yet at least. Finally Jaakuna sat up, toy still held to him. He rubbed at his neck with one hand “I’m..kinda struggling with this one, more then the others I’ve had” “Well, are you gonna bitch about it or not?” Jaakuna gave her a look “Whaaat! It’s your fault for getting me all curious! And why come here in the first place?” Jaakuna opened his mouth to speak, but growled in frustration and then shuffled the other way, crossing his arms over his chest. Jizuko shimmied down the bed on her knees until she was sitting besides him, and then waited for him to start. “..So Uh, you remember how last week I mentioned I got invited to Yurei’s birthday?” A bit random, but she nodded “Yeah..” She pointed a finger to her forehead, where a small grey horn sprouted out next to her bangs “Guy with the horn?” Jaakuna nodded and Jizuko lowered her hand “Why? Did something happen??” She paused, before her eyebrows scrunched like gathering thunder heads, checks puffed out with a clear scowl on her face “Do you want me to punch him for you?” “Wha- No!” Jaakuna waved his hand and shook his head wildly, caught off guard at her sudden declaration of violence though not surprised, tiny people where a force to be reckoned with. “Uh, anyway: I went to the party and Uhm, well..I-it was me, Yūrei and a few others..” Jaakuna tucked his legs up to him, leaning back against the wall as he still refused to look at her. “And maybe like, an..hour or so into the party we-Uhm-“ jaakuna gulped, Jizuko watching the movement of his Adam’s apple before looking back to his face Jaakuna’s face and tips of his ears where flushed red, as he looked like he was trying to hide behind her plushie. Jaakuna groaned when he caught Jizuko’s confused gaze on him, and then muttered something under his breath “Uh..What was that?” Jizuko asked. Jaakuna groaned louder before repeating, in the same mumbly dribble “I can’t hear you” Jizuko said after shaking her head, having heard what it was Jaakuna had said just as clearly as the first time. Jaakuna snorted through his nose, pulling his head out from the toy he was practically burying his face in “Ugh! I said we...w-we got round to playing Uh, truth or dare” “..Okay well, that’s not unusual” Jizuko said with a shrug “And I Uh- May have, Uh..I-I got dared to..t-to Uh..” The more he spoke the redder his face became, and he seemed to become more fidgety and nervous, looking like a skittish animal that would flee at any second. Jaakuna cleared his throat, praying his embarrassment wasn’t as obvious as it felt “..I-I got dared to..to kiss...Yu...rei...” For a whole minute Jizuko didn’t emote, the words processing - she let them digest, sink in - and when they did, she gasped “You kissed Yūrei?!” “NO!” Jaakuna snapped at her like a mad dog Silence “....M-Maybe..” he repeated in a whisper, as though admitting it was some crime. “..On the lips or?” Jizuko elbowed him playfully with a wink, and Jaakuna bristled, leaning away “T-That ain’t important! Ya little pervert!” Jizuko cackled her usual crazy giggle, covering her mouth with a hand, clearly finding amusement in her best friends embarrassing story. When she was done laughing at him Jaakuna continued “Anyway...Ever since then I’ve been, feeling...like-weird...it’s not a-“ Jaakuna seemed to be struggling to grasp the right words, and yet Jizuko had an expression that said she already had it figured out “It’s not a BAD weird- well, sometimes it is? Like, some days it’s bad others it’s like..not as bad??” He began to gesture as he spoke, going off on a tangent, almost forgetting entirely Jizuko was there “And it’s been bugging me for the whole week, and it’s so fucking embarrassing and, like!..You know what I mean??” Jizuko hummed with a slow nod “Oh I know exactly what you mean” she said matter of factly Jaakuna didn’t like her tone of voice, or how she was looking at him as though she pitied his own obliviousness. “Well- what is it then wise guy?” He challenged boldly, leaning back and raising a brow. Jizuko held her hands together as though she was praying, and inhaled, before she dipped them “Jaakuna, you’re gay” “WHAT?!” If Jaakuna hadn’t been sitting with his back to her wall he would have for sure tumbled off the bed with how hard he jolted, bristling like a raged cat as he bared his teeth like some aggressive animal. “I AINT- what for- F-For that?? That- THAT SMUG LORD?!” He barked a loud laugh, and rolled his eyes “I ain’t bloody gay” Jizuko remained calm as ever “And yet I don’t recall you ever having a crush on a girl before” she said, raising a brow in thought. Jaakuna slowly turned to her, eye twitching, Jizuko failed to cower “And you always spend a lot of time with Yūrei, he even sits with you to eat lunch! That’s only a specialty reserved for very close people” “That doesn’t prove anything!” “Oh yeah?” Jizuko asked, not believing him “Name one girl you’d like to date” “Wha-“ Jaakuna gagged “Ew! Gross! You girls are disgusting..no offence” he added the last part with a small frown. Jizuko hummed again, and Jaakuna felt nervous, feeling like a corned animal while she was some predator, contradicting with how Jaakuna looked to be the more intimidating one of the two. “Come on! Admit it! You like him!” “I don’t.” Jaakuna gritted his teeth “I don’t..like like him” he clarified, cheeks going redder “Fine” Jizuko leaned back, relaxed, and crossed her arms, a shifty smug grin on her face “...Name a girl you’d wanna fu-“ “Name a girl you’d wanna date” she repeated, holding up a finger “Name ONE girl - and I’ll believe you don’t like him” Jaakuna snorted “Hmph. Okay, FINE. I will” he held his nose high, as if to look down on her. Jaakuna sat back, and opened his mouth...before closing it, and licking his lips, mouth suddenly dry. “Uh..” Jizuko’s brow rose further, watching his flustered suffering as Jaakuna struggled to think of an answer “I-Uh-...uhm, R-Runa, I guess?” “You guess?” Jizuko tilted her head “Or you know?” “W-Well-“ Jaakuna made a gesture with his hands, looking more lost then before, Jizuko’s staring wasn’t helping him “I mean- she’s cool! T-Theres nothing wrong with Runa! She’s got..uhm, she’s..” Jaakuna trailed off, looking to be struggling “...Got nice eyes??” He said, sounding just as confident as Jizuko expected him too “Mhm, yeah, red eyes right?” She asked, tilting her head and leaning closer. “Not quite like the red eyes of your classmate who’s seem to brighten whenever they land on you” Jizuko said coyly. Jaakuna shot her a sharp warning glare, Jizuko dared on “Mhm, yes sir you’d love yourself a tiny little goth girl. With nice skinny hips and arms. Arms that aren’t strong enough to lift you off the ground ever so slightly when you hug. With no nice flat chest to rest your head against, no no. And no smugly charming smooth voice chuckling ‘JayJay’ to you in greeting..” Jaakuna gulped, mouth suddenly dry, face as hot as the sun as he became lost in his mind...Jizuko had possibly the most obnoxiously smug grin on her face that it could put the Cheshire Cat to shame. Jaakuan’s cheeks flushed a deeper red so quickly he saw tiny white dots “I-I..” his throat was dry “...I don’t get what you’re implying” he muttered “Yeah, that blush on your face doesn’t say anything~” ‘Shit!..’ “Jaakuna, it’s okay..” Jizuko’s tone took a turn as she patted his shoulder soothingly, the smugness gone from her face entirely “You know your friends and myself will support you!” She chuckled lightly “Sides, I’m in the same boat as you..” Jizuko pulled her legs up to her chest, pressing a pink cheek into her knee “Crushing on your best friend and being too chicken to tell, sucks doesn’t it?” With a small smile she peered back up to Jaakuna, who’s scowl has lifted a little “What I’m saying is that I think you’ll be happy with Yūrei and you can make him happy. You guys are practically a duo! Hell, for the longest time I thought you two where already together” Jaakuna has fallen quite, half lidded eyes boring into the floor with an intense look to them, hands clutching at the pink blankets on Jizuko’s bed. “I’m. Not. Gay.” He growled, shoulders shaking “Not for him. Not for anyone! I like girls. Period.” Jizuko gave her best friend a flat look and rose a brow, mulling over what to do “...Okay then” Jizuko unfolded her legs to hang off one end of the bed and all of a sudden stood up “I’ll just go ask Yūrei on date~” “Wot?!” Jaakuna practically exploded from the bed, jumping across the room to splat himself against the door, blocking Jizuko’s only means of exit. Jizuko rose her brow, smirking “What’s the issue? Yurei’s a cute guy, and if you’re not taking him..” she waggled her brows and Jaakuna bristled, squawking like a turkey “I-you- Dont you dare!” He barked “You’re doing this on purpose!” “Doing what?” Jizuko asked, tilting her head “You’ve said you’re not gay so there’s no issue! I’ll just go and ask Yūrei on a date” Jizuko took no less then a step forward before Jaakuna tried to push himself further back against the door “Fuck off” “I don’t see why you’re being so dramatic: you’ve said you’re not gay, and that’s fine!” A smug smile pulled at her lips and Jaakuna growled, spreading his arms further over the door as if to hide it was even there. Jizuko peered skyward and then slowly rolled her eyes back towards Jaakuna “Unless of course..you have a problem with me asking him out” Jaakuna’s lips pulled back into a grimace, baring his teeth like an angry dog. Jizuko was unfazed as she turned to idly walk about her room “I mean, have you seen him?? That body?” She questioned “Damn, he’s really bulked up since the start of the year huh? Not that you would know” Jizuko shrugged “Of course, I’m sure all his fans know. I bet Yūrei gets tones of love letters! You know?” Jaakuna dragged his nails along the door, something in his gut twisting - where was she going with this??.. “Mhm, I bet he’s a good kisser. He looks like the type of be good at kissing - you know? The typical jock hot guy that’s all good with romance stuff? He fits the bill!” She turned to peer at Jaakuna over her shoulder, making sure their was enough distance between the two. Jaakuna’s eye twitched, the way she was talking about Yūrei was starting to really tick him off. He tried to brush it off and act indifferent to what she was saying, but that was becoming increasingly hard. His body was tense, his breaths deep as he tried to keep the wildfire in him at bay ‘She’s starting to get real annoying. If she says ONE more thing about Yūrei..’ “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already..had thoughts about him” Jizuko turned around once more, and was met with Jaakuna’s chest. She peered up, where Jaakuna was glaring down at her coldly. It was like staring death itself in the face, what she was expecting. “Listen here you pintsize twat” Jaakuna growled, voice like venom “You say one more thing about Yūrei I’m going to drag your ass six feet under!” Jizuko hummed, calm in the face of danger. A passive look on her face “Well it’s a good thing he’s not my type” The change in expression was so drastic on Jaakuna’s face it would have given anyone whiplash with how quickly his glare fell “...But- You practically just said you like him!” “And that, my naive friend, was a lie” “...A lie?” Jaakuna repeated, blinking “Duh” Jizuko said with an eye roll as though it was obvious “Yurei’s too full of himself for me. It was all fake, just talk.” Jaakuna worked his jaw, numbly pointing to Jizuko “S-So...so everything you just said was too-“ “Get you angry so you’d finally realize YOU have a crush on Yūrei? Yes” Jizuko finished Jaakuna sucked in a breath, flinching back a little. Jaakuna liked girls. He loved girls! There was plenty to like about the girls in the hero courses: Furora was smart and clever, yet fair and pretty. Runa was quite and brooding like him, with a cool quirk he genuinely admired! Furu was tough and caring, her witt as smart as her combat skills. Jizuko was hard headed yet kind, she was sweet, she let him open up about things he wouldn’t to anyone else. Above all the other girls, Jizuko had his respect. Liking girls should be easy, yet he felt a knot in his stomach, something clenching in his gut...like a weight holding him back. His stupid, stupid traitorous mind flashing with images of soft, curly hair that smelt of too much hairspray. Beautiful ruby eyes. A kind smile, bright enough to rival that of the sun. And a voice, as smooth as honey and as joyful as new lambs in spring calling out ‘Jaakuna!’ Yūrei “...Jaakuna?” Jizuko’s voice was gentle. She stepped closer to reach out for his hand, giving it a careful squeeze God dam it. God fucking damn it. What was wrong with him?? He grit his teeth, wanting the floor to swallow him. His cheeks became warm as, to his shame, hot tears began to blur his vision. He wanted to snarl at her, to curse Jizuko to hell and back, to trap away these stupids thoughts and feelings...but deep down, Jaakuna knew she was right. She had found the chip in his armour, she’d seen right through it, and unraveled the deep, very real truth. “Jaakuna nothing is wrong with you” Jizuko stepped closer and gently grasped his other hand. “Everything is gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay, I promise” Jizuko’s eyes shined with kind, comforting light. Jaakuna shyly met her gaze, his tears swelling when she gave him a soft smile...something fell from his eye. A tear, followed by many more - the internal battle surfacing “..I am Jizuko..” “Oh Jaakuna” Jizuko was on him in an instant, tugging her taller friend into a warm hug, nestling his head in her shoulder as she rubbed her arm on his back. Jaakuna’s grasped at her desperately, ashamed to be crying, ashamed Jizuko was seeing him like this, ashamed she’d been right. Ashamed he.. “I like Yūrei..” he whimpered, the rest of his sentence ending in weeps and sobs, as he let himself cry.

[strangertheory]

Will Byers! :)

I meant to answer this Ask an eternity ago, and you have been so incredibly patient with me! (Thank you!!!) 

I think because Will is my favorite character, I started to fuss over my answer too much, and before I knew it we were here: a few months later, and a long while after I offered to answer these specific questions for character Asks. Today, I want to finally answer your Ask for my favorite character: Will Byers.

Will Byers

Favorite thing about them:

Will loves and appreciates his friends so much, and you can tell that he would do absolutely anything for Joyce or Jonathan too. My favorite thing about Will is his love and devotion to others. I think that since Castle Byers symbolically represents a safe place for Will, it also reveals what Will deeply cares about and chooses to protect within that safe place, and one of those things is his friendships. “Castle Byers: All Friends Welcome.” Castle Byers represents Will’s desire to welcome all friends with open arms and unconditional acceptance. While I think that Will would be kindhearted regardless, I think that because Will knows how painful rejection is from facing the bullies at school and his father’s insults, Will puts forth an extra effort to make sure that everyone in his life feels appreciated and loved. Will shares his secret safe-place in the woods with anyone willing to be his friend. Castle Byers is like a secret shrine dedicated to everything Will is passionate about (comics, D&D, art) and is also dedicated to those he loves and to those who love and accept him in return. He has photographs of his friends, drawings on the walls that he made about their D&D campaigns together, and comics that they’ve probably all shared. In spite of his limited means, Will is very generous with what he offers to others: he gave the little girl that was crying in the sandbox his Tonka Truck (even though Joyce cautioned him that they couldn’t afford to get a new one), he’s given Mike dozens of drawings (if Mike’s decorated walls and his binder full of Will’s artworks are any small evidence of this) and Will has given his mom a good number of drawings too that she cherishes. Will wants everyone to feel loved and to be happy, and is grateful to those that are there for him. Undoubtedly some of this stems from his deep insecurities and his lack of self-worth and his desire to be loved and appreciated back, but I think most of it is still rooted in Will’s genuine desire to make sure that other people are happy because their happiness makes him happy too.

Least favorite thing about them:

I appreciate all of the characters for their strengths as well as their flaws because it’s what makes them so very human and relatable. But Will definitely has some traits that I hope, for his own sake, he’ll learn to manage in a healthier way. Will’s weakness is that he often places the wants and needs of others before his own, and he seeks to avoid conflict at all costs. These are arguably admirable traits that are directly related to Will’s love and affection for other people (which I said was my favorite thing about him!), but they can also be self-destructive and unhealthy habits and I think they are, at least in part, the result of Will growing up in a combative and abusive home environment. I admire Will for his selflessness and for his desire to avoid conflict, but I list his excessive selflessness and his excessive desire to keep the peace as two things that make me worry about him. I hope he will learn to balance these two impulses in a healthier way over the next few seasons. I think that learning to deal with these two bad habits in a healthier way will be part of Will’s personal growth over the next two seasons.

Favorite line(s):

“Yea. Crazy together.”

brOTP:

Jonathan and Will, of course! I was sad that we didn’t get more scenes with them together in season 3, but I appreciate every moment in the series that we’ve gotten so far. Jonathan’s effort to reassure Will that it’s ok to be “a freak,” and that being different is preferable to being just like everybody else, was really heartwarming and is probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire series.

OTP:

As you have probably figured out if you have been following my blog for even a few days: I’m convinced that Will and Mike are meant to be together by the end of the series, and I am eager to talk about it some other time in another post.

nOTP:

I cannot bring myself to imagine Will and El ever dating. But I look forward to them hopefully becoming very close, and teaming up platonically!

random headcanon:

Hmmm. So this is actually the part of this post that had me delaying responding to your Ask for so long, because my head-canon for Will is incredibly specific, unconventional, frequently controversial (from what I've noticed when this topic is discussed), and a bit complicated to explain. But I do want to talk about it! And I want to clarify that I actually don’t think of this as a head-canon: I solidly consider it a theory that might account for what is happening to Will, and what also is happening to other characters based on specific evidence within the series so far.

I won’t get into all of the evidence and layers in this post (because there is a lot), but I strongly suspect that Will Byers is being written as a character with dissociative identity disorder and that much of Stranger Things is about alters learning to work together as a System while confronting and resolving trauma that is manifesting itself in internal worlds and dreams various symbolic and fantastical ways (as well as in some very humanly monstrous ways too, unfortunately.) Whether the entire story is taking place within an internal world or whether everything has sprung out of the mind and into the external world is definitely a question I think about a lot, but my current interpretation is that a good amount of the story takes place in a liminal space between our external world / reality and a mental space that the characters are sometimes exploring.

Stranger Things follows characters that are canonically dealing with PTSD, significant levels of memory loss (Will couldn’t remember who Hopper was in season 2 while at the Lab), suddenly shifting from being mentally present in the world to being in a different perceived place (is the Upside Down an internal world?), perceived changes in personality and identity, traumatic visions and experiences (flashbacks? memories?) that often parallel one another in an eerie way, and many other specific details. Add to that Doctor Owens’ preoccupation with Will’s brain scans and Mr. Clarke’s lesson in season 2 in which he discusses Phineas Gage’s changed personality following Gage’s brain injury (which is not an example of DID but is still thematically relevant, and an oddly specific topic to feature in the series) and the clues just continue to add up. Even if this theory isn’t correct I look forward to continuing to discover more about the established rules of the Stranger Things universe and what is going on with Will, El, Hopper, the Numbers, all of these horrible father-figures (notably Dr. Brenner, Lonnie, and Neil) and the mysterious Lab.

(One last important note regarding this theory: please do not base your knowledge of DID on any fictional representation of it in popular media. A lot of misrepresentations of DID exist in Hollywood and pop culture. If you'd like to learn more on this topic, please read about it in medical publications and resources with verifiable authority on the topic.)

unpopular opinion:

I think that the theory I mentioned above is probably my most unpopular opinion/thought regarding what I think Will is dealing with.

songs I associate with them:

The songs that they chose to feature on Will’s official Spotify Playlist are all songs that I associate with Will at this point. I’m so impressed by the attention the creators of Stranger Things devote to the music not only in the show but to the characters’ official playlists. One track that definitely jumps out at me from Will’s official playlist is Afraid by The Neighborhood. The lyrics of the chorus are eerily specific: “When I wake up / I’m afraid / somebody else will take my place / when I wake up / I’m afraid / somebody else will end up being me.”

favorite picture(s) of them:

[astoldbygingersnaps]

Harper’s 2020 Fic Wrap-Up

my very good friend and incredibly talented felow writer @sagemoderocklee came up with the idea of doing an end of the year fic wrapup in an attempt to polish the turd known as 2020, and since i actually managed to get some writing done this year i figured, why not jump on the bandwagon? 

a lot of super duper fucking shitty things happened in 2020, but i will always be proud that in this incredibly chaotic, stressful, and challenging year i managed to produce almost 180k of content (and that’s not even counting the writing i started in 2020 but haven’t published yet). so, to celebrate what’s been a pretty big achievement for me, i wanted to go through the various projects i’ve spent the last twelve months working on and give a preview of my plans for 2021.

let’s jump in!

projects i worked on/completed in 2020:

first off, let’s start with the beast to end all beasts, my personal baby, and honestly probably the reason most people follow me -- star trek au:

something bigger than the sky (shiita; 44,163 words; completed): 

i’ve said this before, but the whole idea for star trek au was literally just a joke between me and my-then girlfriend, now-fiancee, and eternal shiita enabler alexa aka @durintrash (by the way, if you follow me for my fics and you DON’T follow alexa for her corresponding art WHAT, exactly, are you doing with your life????) where i sat in a space-themed diner and said ‘haha imagine itachi as a vulcan.’ but then i blinked and suddenly somehow i’d written the prologue and the first chapter of SBTTS in the span of a week. it’s like i was possessed by a fanfic demon.

it sounds super cheesy but i honestly can’t say enough how important this fic has been to me and how much it’s pushed me to be a more productive and more dedicated writer. previously i spent a lot of time Thinking about writing and occasionally i’d put a few words on the page and then i’d go... do... something... else. but star trek au was the first idea i loved enough that it actually pushed me to write and keep writing and not give up even when i was confronted with things like writer’s block and worry over the quality of my writing. so thank you, star trek au, for being the light in a very dark year for me. 

by the end of SBTTS, i felt like i accomplished everything i wanted to do with the story’s beginning installment: i introduced all the characters and set the groundwork for their development; i showed what life on the corvus was like and how starfleet, the federation, and the universe functioned; and, more than anything, i was able to sketch out both the main protagonists -- itachi and shisui -- with all their strengths and flaws, show their relationship to one another, and hint at how that relationship would progress. 

all the stars are closer (shiita; 75,195 words; completed)

considering how slow i used to be at writing, i thought it would be, like, twelve years before i managed to get to the second part in the series. BUT then covid happened and i half-lost, half-quit my job, and like a lot of people this year i ended up with a lot of free time on my hands. and so, like a fucking demon, i finished this part in two and a half months. 

when i originally planned this part out, i really thought it would be a lot shorter and a lot lighter atmosphere-wise than it turned out. instead, this second section of the story ended up being pretty meaty in terms of length and in subject.

that said, overall, i’m really happy with how ATSAC turned out. i loved the way the characters progressed, how the relationships deepened, and how we were able to see this universe grow bigger and more complicated. and i’m very satisifed with how it set the stage for part three, which takes us to...

lovers alone wear sunlight (shiita; 41,518 words; in progress)

there’s... a lot about this part that i just can’t talk about yet, a) because it isn’t finished and b) because it contains some of the biggest plot points in the entire series thus far. if you’ve been keeping up with the stardates thus far (which i encourage you to do!) you know what part three is leading up to: itachi leaving the corvus and the dissolution of shisui and itachi’s growing relationship. 

with that in mind, i’m... more than a little terrified about writing part three, which is why the third chapter has been languishing in my google drive for months now. (and also why i started not one, but TWO new fics to cope with my writer’s block. whoops.) chapter three is where all the parts come together and shit hits the fan, and i can only hope that everyone will be as excited to read it as i am to publish it. 

next up, the two other projects i began this year:

salvation comes only in our dreams (shiita; canon divergence; 16,835 words; in progress)

for a long time, i’ve wanted to write something that’s actually set in the naruto universe and works to correct a lot of the flaws that i see in the series. there are a lot of things that bother me about naruto, but i think one of the things that frustrates me the most is the really messy and in some ways offensive resolution to the uchiha coup plot thread, and i wanted to write a story that dealt with the complicated themes of the series--imperialism, oppression, genocide, child soldiers--but, like, didn’t suck and completely drop the ball. thus, the massacre au was born. 

my main goal was to tell a story that showed a lot of these characters in ways we’ve never seen them before, specifically itachi. i didn’t want to write itachi as just an idealist who suffers and Suffers AND SUFFERS for konoha yet still remains loyal to the village for some unfathomable reason like he is in the series. i wanted to write an itachi that was sharper, more jaded, and more suspicious of the world around him, but overall was still a good person with a kind heart. and for shisui, well... obviously there’s a lot going on there, too. 

this is easily the darkest story i’ve ever written, and as the plot thickens it will certainly get darker with relationship dynamics that are complicated and unhealthy At Best. i hope that as the story goes on it’s a ride people continue to enjoy, as i was super pleasantly surprised at how popular this fic became (compared to my usual stats, at least) 

oceans between us (shiita; alternate universe; 15,039 words; in progress)

it’s good to know that i continue to be the most ridiculously niche version of myself as yes, i wrote a fucking shiita atonement au. 

with each fic i write i try to have a very specific voice that suits the particular piece and distinguishes it from other stories that include the same characters. for example, star trek au chapters tend to be more fun and light-hearted (especially shisui POV chapters) and lean more into the action movie and sci-fi adventure feel of the star trek universe, while the massacre au is written in a way that’s much heavier and guided by itachi’s emotions and experiences. my main goal with this story was to give it the same romantic, operatic, almost hazy quality that the movie has, which reflects the period setting and also the nature of this grand tragic love story. 

i knew from the beginning that there were going to be a lot of things that i cut from the film in my retelling, like the lola subplot and obviously the setting of pre-wwii england. i also knew i wanted to explore some of the aspects of the film that were implied more than outright stated, like the themes of classism and upper-class privileges. and more than anything i wanted to structure this piece around this idea of tension building and building until it finally snaps and there’s just a world of mess and hurt and loss that affects these two characters in two very different ways. 

also, the sex scene. i haven’t written a sex scene for anything in, like, a decade, so that was a lot of pressure. but i’m happy with how it came out and i think it ended up being an aspect of the story that felt like both a natural progression and necessary to show the affection these two people have for one another.

originally i was just going to end the story with shisui going to jail, but when i told alexa this i genuinely thought she was going to kill me. so, that didn’t happen lmao. but the more i tried to imagine what a second chapter would look like, the more i realized she was right, and it would have been a terrible idea to end the fic there. as for whether or not the final chapter will keep That Ending... who can say?

goals i have for 2021:

finishing lovers alone wear sunlight and, if i’m very lucky, beginning the fourth and second to last part of star trek au (yes, as it currently stands this 160k+ word series is only halfway finished. sorry not sorry)

publishing the next chapter of salvation comes only in our dreams (i don’t know when it will drop. i don’t know anything about this fic. please do not @ me) 

completing oceans between us (the second and final chapter is currently sitting at about 4k words and will probably end up at about 15k in total)

completing and publishing a new fic i’ve started at the very end of 2020, which is the shiita jurassic world au nobody but me and alexa knew they wanted. it’s essentially a 90s romcom with dinosaurs and i cannot Wait to share it. (it’s at about 9k right now and will probably end up being around 20k to 23k in total... maybe...)

FINALLY starting my dream project: the shiita olympics au i’ve been planning for years, where itachi is a figure skater and shisui is a hockey player (i’d like to keep this under 150k but at this point trying to keep my stories at a managable word count is a losing battle)

anyway, that’s it! if you managed to get this far in this very self-indulgent and shameless bit of self promotion, congrats! also, a very big thank you to everyone who’s read my fics, left me kudos and comments, and spent their time on my work, because it really does mean the world to me. 

here’s hoping 2021 is a much healthier and happier year for us all! 

[hearthandhomemagick]

Cottage Witch Journal Entry

Good Afternoon, Everyone!

It is chilly outside, and my nose has been red since the wind hit it. A warm air is wafting over my body like a blanket in my cozy little office, making me feel comfortable. My mind is filled with daydreams and thoughts of what is right and what is wrong. My center seems to be no where in sight, and yet I am calm. 

I want to tell you all how my journey has been so far since my last journal entry. 

Just to recap, I set some goals for myself last time. I wanted to be more aware of my eating habits, forming a work out routine to do everyday, and learn to do a split by the end of the month. These three goals are small, and have almost no real direction or layout for how they were to be conducted.

And yet, it worked. At least a little bit!

You see, I’m training my mind right now to see tracking my eating as a fun habit. I have a theory that I overthink my weight a lot of the time and completely miss the point of weight loss in general. I still get to this state of mind where if I feel as though I should feel bad for feeding myself. And this can be induced by small things people say around me. With my mind using hyperbole to hype up what they are saying, it convinces me that my eating habits are the reason they feel the way they do.

I never used to be a jealous girlfriend, I never used to be insecure, lithe in personality or even submissive. I used to be extremely dominant, defensive, independent and confident with my steps. Hell, I joined singing competitions because in my head, I knew I’d do great. But now, I bail on musical rehearsals simply because my energy isn’t right. And after last nights episode, I fucking guess I get jealous of video games now, too! Fucking stupid.

So imagine, I’ve been on this awareness journey with my eating habits. This goal being the main one I wanted to focus on this month, and have sufficiently lost a couple of pounds simply from changing the way I eat. With that being said, I’ve still felt ill about myself. So, while my boyfriend was playing Cyberpunk 2077 last night, he mentioned he loved and wanted to marry Judy because, “She’s a version of his High School self.” (as seen above. A bad bitch tech wizard who is literally the definition of independence).

Judy is a bad bitch, I’d marry her too!!! I love how sure of herself she is and how she wants a revolution. But, for some reason, this comment didn’t settle with me correctly. Regardless of my mental efforts, an actual war was going on in my head. Negative thoughts popped up about how tiny and lithe she was in stature, while being confident, distant and strong in nature, while I was a big girl who was shy, quiet and submissive/passive. I was comparing myself to a game....a game character I related to, for that matter?! I had just taken a bite of food when he said he loved her, but I stopped chewing all together the moment he said it.

The food sat in my mouth for what felt like hours as I contemplated whether it would be acceptable to just spit it in the trash, but my grandmother who lives 45 minutes out of town drove it to me because she knew it was my favorite...smoked salmon. The thoughts running through my head included, “If you don’t eat this bite, you could get skinny like Judy faster.” & “Spit it out, pig, he’s trying to tell you something.” I ended up spitting it in the trash after thirty minutes of holding it between my gums and cheek and hating on myself.

Thankfully, I STILL HAVE SALMON LEFT OVER AND WILL NEVER QUESTION WHETHER TO EAT THAT BITE OR NOT EVER AGAIN!!!! Rationalizing myself in the moment, though, was almost impossible. My boyfriend didn’t notice much because I was simply staring quietly at the TV, his voice coming in and out every once in a while followed by my curt response. 

Now, this is not his fault. Him and I had a discussion a while ago regarding this and I openly said it was okay for him to talk like that in front of me about other women. I’m a feminist and love seeing women do awesome and bad ass things. I also love talking about bad ass women! He had my consent, and knows nothing of what is going on in my mind right now, so genuinely this is not a him problem.

This is a me problem. This is a me problem I have had for a very long time regarding my body issues, my mental health and my willingness to be open about it. Which I’m not. I never tell people what’s going on because not everyone is a therapist, which is what I need and cannot afford. It’s easier to not say something.

So going back to Judy. After my moment of absolute self hatred, my boyfriend mentioned something to me that seemed to pull me out of this waterfall of feelings and thoughts. He started talking to me about things we were wanting to do together. 

I realized that he wasn’t thinking as hard as I was about Judy. He simply loves and enjoys the character and the interactions he has with the character. That type of woman is the type he admires. But she’s a made up fictional character. That’s when the thought hit me, “He calls you a bad bitch all the time. You guys mirrored each other quite a bit in High School. You were independent before him. Carly, you’ve started depending on an approval he doesn’t realize you are expecting. And that’s something you should be expecting from yourself.”

I put weight in the words of a man who thought his sentence was light as a feather. Things started clicking and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped my mouth. I had just spit food out over a situation I had created in my head. I would be Judy today if I were in a post-apocalyptic world, had I not put so much weight into depending on others for things, I would probably be Judy in todays Rona Revolution! The point is, Judy is a set of characteristics dressed up and made pretty for the success of a video game. No one is exactly like her because she isn’t real. 

But I am. And personality is a choice. No, I won’t change myself, but I want to be more myself. I want to be the me uninfluenced by others opinions of me. I want to be the me that can alternate from being prissy to being tomboy. So, I want to make a list of things that make me truly happy. I want to lay out the part of me that I love, and I want to strive to accomplish more of the things I love. 

1. Fixing my own car. I was told in High School that shop class was a boys class. It was my first option as a recreational hour, and they decided to put me in something else. I slowly lost interest in vehicles as a whole and pushed it to the side, depending on everyone else to fix my car for me. This is bullshit, and I want to fix my own fucking car from now on. It won’t get done otherwise. 

2. MMA Fighting/Boxing. Like my piano career, this dream stopped once my teacher stopped showing up. I want to defend myself and be physically strong, I also want to say I went through something rigorous without giving up. I want this for me, myself and I. I’m tired of calling people in parking lots at night when I’m scared. 

3. Yoga. I brought this up in my last post, I bring it up again because this a priority of mine that goes unnoticed frequently. I need this physical practice for my mental health, I always feel happier and healthier when I can do yoga, so there’s no excuse for me to NOT invest in this.

4. Independence. I don’t need anyone, who is in my life is here because I want them here. I don’t need anyone to make money for me, I’ll work. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m beautiful, I know. I don’t need people telling me what to wear, it’s my choice. I want to be myself again, not everyone else collectively. 

5. Music/Art. This is a part of my soul that heals with the hit of the play button. It should have never stopped being at the forefront of my life.

6. Reading and Writing. I don’t give myself time to do this, yet I have plenty of time to do everything. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, but boredom ain’t it sis! This is how I process my thoughts and organize my mind, so it should be imperative.

7. Self-Love Rituals. I want to start putting effort into rituals that mean something to me and my craft. This includes bath rituals, cooking or baking rituals, or even smoke rituals. Either way, it’s a portion of my craft I neglect, and shouldn’t.

8. Go places by myself and face my anxiety. I always shoved my anxiety to the side and trained my brain to replace it with excitement. It worked for a long time, and then I lost my confidence and Independence. I need to focus on myself to accomplish this one. But I shouldn’t be nervous or scared going into public to get shit I want or need. Period. No one is focusing on me, so why should I focus on them? 

9. Sing in my car. I was recorded while singing passionately in my car twice this year. My anxious mind claimed they were making fun of me, and one was indeed laughing at me. BUT FUCK IT. Who cares if they record me or make fun of me or not? Why am I stopping my happiness because you think it’s funny? Fuck that, I’m too bad of a bitch to be worried about people who waste their time in that manner. I’ll give them a show next time. I refuse to be the victim anymore to anyone, including myself.

There is nothing stopping me except myself from pursuing the things in life that make me happy. Being aware of my own state of mind helped me realize this. And typing this out has helped me truly start the process of change for the better. 

As for my actual monthly goals; they are still in tact! Again, making myself aware of my eating has forced me to be mindful of the things I put into my body, including drinks. As a result of better habits forming, I’ve dropped a few pounds. Losing weight is not the goal, but the result of accomplishing my goal. As for exercise, I have started small by working on my legs and glutes. I have been doing up to 20 Jump Squats every day or every other day. This, of course, isn’t a routine, but it is progress from where I was doing nothing. As a result, my booty and thighs have been looking good and my number of squats has been going up! I haven’t created anything yoga wise yet, but anticipate on forming something sustainable once I have gotten into the habit of my squats. Saving $100 was not the best goal to set for the month of December (not the wisest move of a notorious over spender on gifts) BUT I still want this to happen, so! Rather than worrying about saving $100, I will focus on making sure I survive this month without over drafting. I already have and am in the negatives by 80 something dollars, but for the rest of the month, and into next year, I will shut down my checking account with that bank, keep my savings, and start using that as my emergency debit card. 

I’m doing better. I’m noticing progress. It’s small, but worth the tiniest amount of effort. I still struggle, and I will in the future, but right now I’m doing well. I will continue this journey with pride. 

I also want to learn more in regards to shadow work, and incorporating my craft into my workout routines, so if any of you actually reads this and has any ideas, let me know! Being healthy is the main goal!!!!! 

I appreciate those who read this or support it or even relate to it a bit. My last entry received a nasty comment, explaining how I was a basic bitch who needed to be educated and needed to stay out of the thinspo tag. For anyone who feels compelled to do that, just know you are much more emotionally invested in it than I am at that point. I simply don’t give 1, 2 or even 3 types of fucks about it. I’m doing this for me, if you follow then thank you, but if not then thank you for kindly leaving me alone.

I want to be me. Me alone, me without help, me with me. I still want to be with my boyfriend, and I know I have his support here, but this is my battle and I can’t rely on him to fix me or make me feel like me again. I am responsible for myself.

I’m doing better, and will continue to do so! Just let me know you guys’ thoughts, ideas or even experiences you may have went/are going through like this. I appreciate you all!

[electric-cooter]

(High key in love with this man and how fucking healthy he looks in this video. Gonna write about it)

You turned the nob of your radio up higher, trying your hardest to stay awake as you continued to drive down I-95.  You had been planning this surprise trip for weeks after catching up with Pete, 8 years after the two of you had graduated.  You had gotten the time off of work and Pete was finally home from promoting his most recent movie.  Chatting back and forth with his mother about what Pete had been up to and making sure that he would be home by the time you had gotten there.  

You had been there for him for years, starting off as very close friends back in high school before parting ways.  You had moved to Connecticut to study Fine Arts, such as Acting and majored in Technical Theater & Design.  Theater was your passion and you distinctly remember Pete being in the front row of every show you starred in or assisted with.  It was about a year ago that Pete had reached out to you in a time where he felt extremely alone and since then you two have been in contact, non stop. 

You had finally pulled up to Pete’s house, relieved that you had made it safe and sound, and it was only a little after 8 pm.  You hated the city but knew that eventually you would be moving back here soon to pursue a career in theater (eventually- you’ll get to it. You keep telling yourself).  You picked up your phone, dialing Pete’s number.  After a few rings, a tired voice picked up the phone “Heeeeyyy hun!  Where ya been?  I texted you like an hour ago” he asked.  You grinned, your heart racing and your stomach fluttering as you opened up the car door and grabbed your overnight bag from the back seat “Sorry I’ve been driving all day.  Hey um there should be something on your doorstep for you.  Do you mind checking for me?”  you lied, walking up the driveway.  You could hear him grunting, as he most likely rolled off his couch and up the stairs.  You stood at the front step, practically dancing as you could hear the door unlock and open.  His jaw dropped, “Holy shit! Hi!!” he laughed, opening up the door and picking you up.  You laughed, squeezing him tight as he pulled you inside.  He tossed your bag off to the side, squeezing you just as tight, “Oh god!  How??  What the hell!” he laughed, still stunned.  

You laughed, as he set you down and closed the door behind you, “Umm well I asked your mom if you’d be home and we’ve been planning this for weeks and well yeah!”  Pete picked up your bag, “Well dude! Lemme get your shit!  Come down here.  I’ll show you around!” he smiled, opening up a white door, which lead down to a massive finished basement.  He showed you around before dropping your bag on the floor next to the couch and picking up his unfinished joint and lighting it.  You had sat down next to him and kicked off your shoes, grabbing the joint as he passed it to you.  It had been ages since you smoked, remembering all the times you and Pete used to skip gym to go and smoke under the bleachers.  As you two reminisced, he smiled at you taking the joint back before chuckling to himself, “God... I thought you were so pretty back then” he confessed.  You nudged him, “Oh and what happened?” you joked, tickling him.  He laughed, the most genuinely happiest laugh that you’ve heard in a while before sighing.  “Nah man.  Nothing changed.  You’re still pretty.  Just didn’t think I would ever have a chance with you” he smiled, turning to you.  “You were always the school star, like a cheerleader but better.  Then there’s me.  Who was a fuckin pot head, made jokes and got kicked out of class all the time”  he chuckled, putting out the small joint.  You blushed, “I mean...I wasn’t that great...” you mumbled.  “Are you kidding?  Voice of a fuckin angel.  Could cry on command.  You were talented in so many ways!  Shit.  The fact that you’re in my fuckin basement right now....16 year old me is geekin” he laughed.  You grabbed his hand, holding it tightly as you adored him for a moment.  He looked so much healthier than he did when you saw him in all those tabloids and on social media.  “God. I fuckin missed you,” you sighed, smiling at him. He looked genuinely happy and healthy.  “I thought about you. For the longest time,” he started, squeezing your hand gently. “I was feelin like shit...shit has been really fuckin awful lately. I missed you more than anything. How much we used to talk. How close we were. How safe i felt around you, ya know? You have been the only fuckin thing that has gotten me through all this therapy. And I shouldn’t be depending on someone else to get me through it but fuck it-it’s true. If we chose to be a thing- I don’t wanna scare you off like I did with all my past shitty relationships” he confessed. You moved closer to him, brushing your hands through his hair before pressing a gentle kiss on his lips.  He pulled you on his lap, his arms wrapped around your waist as he kissed you back slowly.  “Pete. You could never scare me off. No matter what you said or did-I’d be here, fighting tooth and nail to keep you around me.” You could feel the weight lift off of Pete’s shoulders as he smiled at you, staring at you as he soaked in your words. You can tell it’s been a while since someone had assured him he was loved, even with his flaws. Pete has always been the type to make others happy, and not focusing on himself. It had become natural for him to put so much effort and love into someone else, and for him not to get it back. For the rest of the night, the both of you chatted, the conversations growing deeper and deeper before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

[a-duck-with-a-book]

REVIEW // Seven Blades in Black (The Grave of Empires #1) by Sam Sykes

★☆☆☆☆

Disclaimer: while I was reading this book, I found out that Sam Sykes has been accused by numerous women of sexual harassment. You can find more information about it below: - a post listing several accusations of misconduct - twitter post responding to the situation - one of the accusations against Sam Sykes - his quickly-deleted apology Suffice to say, I have no intention of continuing this series or reading any more of his books.

I have a lot to say about this novel, so I’ll begin by making a quick bullet point list outlining what I liked and disliked:

Liked:

Cavric <3

Lisette deserved better

Some interesting concepts in the world building

Disliked:

Sal as a narrator

Sal as an antihero

Sal as a person in general

Writing style

Constant interruptions

Meandering narrative

The “narrator knows something but the writer avoids revealing it until the end for the drama” trope

This is a Big Tough World and Nobody Gets To Be Happy

Lesbians written by a man who harasses women

Unnecessarily long

// image: official cover art Jeremy Wilson //

Let’s begin with the full review by starting with the (few) positives, shall we?

First and foremost, I genuinely enjoyed Cavric and Lisette. It is unfortunate that they had to deal with Sal for the entirety of the novel, but we’ll get to her later. If this book had been a buddy adventure with these two, in which Cavric slowly shows Lisette that she is in a toxic relationships and deserves to move on and find someone better for herself, I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more. Secondly (and finally), Sykes introduced some genuinely interesting world building. The background of the Empire and the Scar was fascinating to read, but unfortunately did not save the rest of this mess.

Alright now let’s rant.

I have 35 notes and 52 highlights from this book, so this might get block quote heavy. (Go check out my notes if you want to see me slowly lose my sanity)

Sal is awful. I know she’s meant to be awful, but she’s not flawed in the way that I think Sykes was trying to write her. I believe she was intended to be a scruffy, lovable antihero who fought her way through a dangerous landscape with her sharp blade and even sharper tongue. A girl who had wrongs committed against her in the past, who did terrible things but is now on the road to an epic redemption arc. She shoots bad guys, she says f*ck and a*s a lot, and she is morally complex. That’s the character that Sykes was trying to make. The one he created, however, is a genuinely terrible person who I had no desire to see come out on top. I have a myriad of issues with her, but let’s outline a couple below: (1) She is incredibly toxic for Lisette. Am I getting a bit too heated about a fictional relationship? Sure. Was I happy to read a toxic lesbian romance written by a man who sexually harasses women? Nope. It kind of grossed me out, actually. Anyway, let me give you a run down of their relationship. Sal arrives. Sal and Lisette sleep together. Sal asks Lisette to give her weapons and or fix things for her. Sal sneaks away, telling herself no good will come of this relationship and they will only cause each other pain. Sal needs something. Sal comes back. Repeat over and over. She constantly says, throughout the book, that it would be better if they just left each other, but then again Sal is the one who goes back to Lisette over and over, causing her renewed heartbreak. I don’t know if Sykes thought that simply making Sal aware of how terrible this behavior was was enough, but it just made me incredibly frustrated. At one point Sal says:

”Intellect like hers is a curse. The more you understand of the world, the less of it you trust.”

Yes, Sal, that’s what’s giving her trust issues. Her intelligence. Nice. By the end of the book, it seems that they are on the mend-I’m getting end-game vibes from these two. But honestly, I spent the entire time thinking that Lisette deserved so much better than Sal. Like literally a chicken would have provided healthier companionship. I’ll end with this quote, in which Lisette outlines perfectly why Sal does not deserve her:

“What am I doing wrong that you’d choose this over me?”

(2) Sal is annoying. Really, really annoying. I kid you not, half of this book is made up of Sal’s snarky comments. She is badass. She has a gun. She is an outlaw. And she will never, EVER shut up about it. Imagine a quirky line after an otherwise dark or action-packed sequence. Funny, right? Might break the tension, make the narrator more endearing, etc. Now imagine one such line after every. Single. Paragraph. Picture a violent battle scene where the protagonist is fighting for their lives against a ruthless opponent. Now insert a snarky comment after every other paragraph and watch the entire flow of the scene fall apart with constant interruptions. That’s what this book is-which brings me to my next point.

The writing isn’t great. There are constant interruptions, meandering narratives, and the trope that haunts me in nearly every dark fantasy novel I read-This is a Big Tough World and Nobody Gets To Be Happy-is shoved repeatedly in your face. Let’s start with the interruptions, returning to my previous point (ie. Sal never shuts up), by looking at this sequence:

I  followed the shrieking wind. I had come here prepared for something bad. But I wasn’t prepared for just how bad it was. I rounded the corner of the hall, came out atop a battlement. The wind struck me with a screaming gale, forcing me to shield my face and cling to the stone for purchase. My eyes squinted against the harshness of the light, the kind of offensive pale you only see in your nightmares. And through them, I could see the bowed shapes of towers sagging, the flayed flesh of banners whipping in a wind that wouldn’t cease, the shadows of figures frozen in a death that had brought no peace. And I knew where I was. There was nothing that had ever made Fort Dogsjaw special. It had never been crucial for defense, never a hub for trade, it hadn’t even been named for anything special—the commander just liked the sound of it. It lived its whole life a regular, boring Imperial fort on the edge of the Husks. It only got important at the time of its death. Over three hundred mages and a few thousand regulars had assembled here in one day—some to receive assignments, some to man the garrison, some to head back to Cathama on leave. They had been laughing, cursing, drinking when the news came that the new Emperor of Cathama was a nul, born with no magic. And then there had been a moment of silence.

I’ve bolded for emphasis, but do you see what I’m talking about? The paragraph-line-paragraph-line format is so annoying to read, I had to put the book down at certain points because of how frustrated I got. It interrupted the forward movement of the story, making the novel drag on and on.

You know what else makes this feel like the nightmare version of the Never-ending Story? The page count. I don’t mind long books-The Priory of the Orange Tree is one of my favorite reads so far this year, and it’s longer than this one-but they have to have a reason for being so hefty. As I mentioned earlier, a considerable chunk of Seven Blades of Black is Sal making her awful, awful, AWFUL asides. I literally cannot express how much I despise those comments. Okay, let’s move on before I get hung up on THOSE STUPID COM-*cough*

This novel is marred by unnecessary lines and a meandering plot that drag out the story. One instance is the amount of times that Sal is a second away from killing someone and, for some reason (usually not a good one), fails in her goal. She places a gun at someone’s head and goes through a whole monologue in her head until the person miraculously escapes. This type of subversion of expectations is fine every once in a while, but if you are going to build up to a crucial moment and then take away the satisfaction of the defeat of some villain (or mini-boss, as many of the antagonists in this book feel like), then you need to have a good reason for doing it upwards of twenty times in ONE BOOK. Secondly, if you spend almost the entire novel setting up more and more villains and stressing how hard they are to kill and how dangerous their powers are (and presenting them separately and isolated), then when you have them all in one place at the end, at which point the protagonists starts going through them like a plate of french fries at a seagull convention, then you’re kind of taking away the satisfaction of the death. Somehow, this book manages to do both. We are constantly teased with almost-kills, then at the end Sal just blows through everyone in five seconds, easy-peasy.

I’m almost done, I swear-just two more gripes.

So much of the tension of this book rests on the fact that Sal, our narrator and our main viewpoint into the story, knows something that we don’t. I’ll be upfront with you-I hate this trope. If our POV character, the one whose mind we are in constantly, is entirely aware of something that happened before the beginning of the novel, and the author keeps from revealing that something for the entirety of the story solely to add drama, then I will not be a happy reader. Where is the logic. We are in this person’s mind. Just show us already and add tension ELSEWHERE.

And FINALLY (as painful as it was for you to read this, it was worse for me to write it), another issue I have with a lot of dark fantasy (see my review of Nevernight) is that the author really, really wants us to know that this is an incredibly dangerous and dark world by filling it to the brim with edge lord narrators, Big Guns, and, usually, women being harrased-because why not force all your female readers to constantly have to read about women getting assaulted? Apart from Sal’s 300,000 comments explaining to us that she is an asshole, that the Scar is Dangerous, and that she has Killed A Lot of People, we as readers must sit through hundreds of lines of dialogue and exposition that beat us over the head with the fact that this is DARK fantasy. This isn’t your nice little fairy adventure-no sir. Here we have Swear Words and Violence and Men writing Queer Women. To emphasize just how blatant Sykes is with the dark part of dark fantasy, let me tell you about an exchange Sal has with three old ladies who run a criminal empire. In the 2-3 pages that these women appear in, we are told, in some form or other, that they are grandmas who kill people, a grand total of, I kid you not, ELEVEN TIMES. Here are some excerpts from that whole situation:

”“Now, now.” Yoc, old and white haired and sweet as a grandmother—if that grandmother also had people killed on the regular—smiled at me. “I’m sure she has a good reason for being here.” She raised the hand that had signed the contracts that had killed a thousand men and women and took up her whiskey glass. “After all, I’m sure she knows how much we don’t like having our game interrupted.”” *I counted this as one since it’s in the same exchange but technically he mentions it TWICE

”…one didn’t waste the Three’s time if one didn’t want to end up with their teeth pried out.”

”How often do you meet the three old ladies who have people killed for money?”

”I said we should kill her on principle.”

”“But you know how many orphans I’ve made, don’t you, dear?””

”“He’s not so unlike us, is he? A murderer, yes. A monster to some. But, at his heart, a businessman.”

”Theirs were the hands that signed a thousand death contracts a year.”

”When they could be bothered to look up from their game, they decided who lived and died with a stroke of their pen.”

”At a word, they could have me stripped, tied, tortured, and cut up…”

”the Three don’t lie. Their assassins do. Their thieves do. But they don’t.”

”I had already wasted their time and I knew the Three were being generous just letting me fuck off instead of having me killed for the effort.”

TL;DR - Sal is annoying, Sykes is a bad writer, and Someone should have stopped me from reading this book

[miggydiaz]

for the salty ask: 3, 7, 10, 11, 15, 16, 19, 22, 23, 24, 25 and 27 for spn

I had to do this one today because I have a LOT of Supernatural feelings and so a lot of these are even longer than my CK one. But thanks for the ask @wonderwolfballoon!

UNPOPULAR SUPERNATURAL OPINIONS AHOY: INCLUDES ANTI-DESTIEL SENTIMENTS AND OTHER UNSAVORY ELEMENTS

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? 100000000% I have unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion in the SPN fandom. SPN was the fandom that taught me to make JUDICIOUS use of the blocking feature tumblr offers in order to curate my experience. I would actually encourage anyone and everyone to use the blocking feature if they disagree with people. Honestly, we don’t owe anyone our time or energy, especially on the internet! It is much healthier than sending or responding to hate, IMO. 7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?* This is actually a hard one for me to answer, so let me start by saying -- I have not seen a SINGLE episode since 9x05? I think? Whichever episode was the Dr. Deanlittle one where he talks to animals. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the first 5 seasons, and they are all I watch anymore and I pretend nothing else exists after that (except The French Mistake because that episode is hilarious). But uh... I guess the simple answer is when I was originally watching it, I really loved Dean. He was brash, snarky, rough around the edges... but kind of soft in a I’m too toxically masculine to deal with my softness sort of way that I love seeing characters grow out of as they mature. But when I go back and rewatch now, much older than I was in 2006 when I first started watching, I see how awful a lot of his older behavior truly was. I still love Dean, and I will be a Dean girl until I die probably, but sometimes you gotta remind yourself that your faves have been problematic in the past so you don’t put them up on fandom constructed pedestals.

10. Most disliked arc? Why? AND AS A BONUS, MY ANSWER to 11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why? I could write a literal essay about all of the problems I have with the later seasons (the ones I watched, which encompasses 6, 7, 8, and a few episodes of 9). But by far and away, the thing I hated most, was the Men of Letters.

Okay, this is where I am going to recognize my love of certain characters is at FUNDAMENTAL ODDS with how that character develops later and what history and background we get later on them. I RECOGNIZE this character is problematic, and I would NEVER STAND for his shit IRL, but fiction is complicated and nuanced, and fantastic circumstances do not make for normal behaviors. That being said, with all warnings I could possibly give, and with the full understanding that what I am about to say is basically fandom blasphemy of the highest order...

I like John Winchester’s character.

I know, I know. If you wanna stop reading and block me now, you are free to do that. I will not hold it against you. I am not about to apologize for anything he has done. I just need to contextualize why I have such an issue with the MOL storyline and it starts with the simple fact that I liked John Winchester as he was originally presented.

To me, and with the full understanding that I am answering this from the perspective of someone who DOES NOT regard anything past season 5 as personal canon, John Winchester is the perfect example of a truly complicated character. Here’s a parent who, if we take the pilot and the original s2 Djinn episodes at face value, could have been a great parent, who then got shoved into a fantastically impossible situation and made terrible choices that he thought were necessary in order to keep himself and his sons safe. That does not EXCUSE the heaps of abuse that he piled onto Dean in any way. We know John and Mary didn’t have a great marriage. But we also know from the pilot that John was at least a caring and present father, mostly,  for the 4 years he got to parent in a normal world, and that if Mary had lived, John would’ve been a softball playing dad who raised his kids and had a loving marriage with his wife. (Again, I need to reiterate, I did not watch anything past the early episodes of s9. If there is later canon that negates this, I do not know about it, nor do I want to because I don’t think of anything past 5 as canon) This is all important to me because these things emphasize that John was “NORMAL”. He was a mechanic, from a family of mechanics, whose father didn’t bail on him (a man in the episode where Dean is transported back in time to Lawrence tells John to ‘say hi to your old man for me’ or something to that effect). He was just a midwestern dude. Giving John Winchester a fantastical background through this Men of Letters bullshit made me SO MAD. First of all, I hate when later canon negates previous canon. I cannon TELL you how much I hate it. And the later seasons of Supernatural are riddled with stuff that doesn’t make any damn sense in the context of original, Kripke written canon, which is exactly why I stopped watching. That’s not ~Evolution of the show.~ That’s conveniently forgetting stuff that made your show and its premise so successful to begin with in order to keep filming episodes so you can keep making money. It’s the sacrifice of art for capitalism and yes I know this is a stupid TV show but as a writer myself it PISSES ME OFF.

/rant

ALSO, the idea that this toxically masculine family was set on this path by Heaven, and inherited this curse that put them on this path from their mother was such a good plot twist in its heyday. We spent four seasons thinking of Mary Winchester as a victim of circumstance, whose fate could not have been avoided because she was the mother to Sam, who is effectively cursed. And then, we learn that its BECAUSE of Mary that this ball even got rolling in the first place. IDK if you were around for that time in the fandom but at least in my circle, this was a big fucking deal. There had been so much (rightful) discourse about John before this, and what kind of parent he was, that Mary became almost deified in the same way Dean deifies her. And then we find out that this whole story gets set in motion by a decision she made because this was the life she found herself in. This was great. It was interesting. And even though the MOL doesn’t negate any of this, it does give John this weirdly fantastical that isn’t necessary. Let this guy be just some Joe Schmoe who fell in love with a kick ass hunter and had no idea any of this even existed. Let Mary and her want to be ‘normal’ be a complicated moral choice that fundamentally altered the paths of her husband and sons. It’s good tv!

Also, I fucking hate the bunker. The best episodes are Dean and Sam having moments in the car, or while in motel rooms on their cases, or whatever. I don’t mind them having a home base. I’m fine with that. But if a building could ever be a Mary Sue character, the bunker is it. I hate all of the MOL storyline, starting with this place.

I may not even tag this as Supernatural, I don’t need angry later season stans in my inbox.

15. Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

There’s nothing good about anything that happened after season 6. It’s all a bunch of retconning bullshit. Season 6 had its moments where it was interesting, so I cut it a little bit of slack, but as far as I’m concerned, the show ended in season 5. I’m not sure that’s necessarily unpopular, but it does feel that way on tumblr, so. 

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

Aside from ending it in season 5?

Oooh, I’m about to blaspheme again. I am definitely not tagging this as Supernatural.

I would never have introduced Castiel, and I would’ve given that entire storyline to Anna. Or, alternatively, I would’ve flipped their story lines.

Look, for whatever it’s worth... I agree with the idea that Dean Winchester is a repressed bisexual. His Dr. Sexy love, the entire storyline with Benny in season 8, etc. I just don’t think he feels romantically about Castiel. And like, that’s okay! Just because you’re not into someone who is into you doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship or anything, no matter what the fandom thinks.

But I also think Dean has a big problem when it comes to women. Again, obviously later on in the series, Dean shifts and Charlie happens and Claire Novak and I know all of these things from gifs okay, context is not applicable here because I have none. But early on, Dean struggles A LOT with thinking of women as A) capable and B) trustworthy. He exists in a perpetual state of identifying women along the Madonna/Whore binary. Even Jo, however you feel about her, and to be clear, I loved Jo, but he doesn’t stop thinking of her really as a kid until they’re about to shoot the devil. Up until then, he’s genuinely surprised Ellen lets her out of the damn house.

Giving him a strong, capable woman who rebels against Heaven for HIM would have fundamentally altered Dean’s perceptions of women much earlier on than we get and would have forced him to examine some of that misogyny head on.

Dean has no problems trusting men. This is why the entire Gordon fiasco happens, right? It was less work for him to trust Castiel because Castiel is the inverse of Ruby. Angel to her Demon. Angels and demons don’t really have genders, but for the sake of presentation of vessels, man to her woman. Not even getting me started on the problematic parts of having significant demons mostly symbolized by women (Meg, Ruby, Lilith) and having significant angels mostly represented by Men (Castiel, Michael, Lucifer, Zachariah, Gabriel, Raphael), and how that ties into the idea of Original Sin and yada yada, but just like it’s interesting to have Mary and her decisions be the catalyst for the story, it’s interesting to have this badass warrior angel in Anna who marches down to Hell to yank Dean out, and through her interactions with him, decide to rebel against the ultimate patriarchy, while Dean gets an equally strong female counterpart to Sam’s Ruby, a woman for all intents and purposes that he respects as a soldier and an ally and not just a potential piece of ass.

Also, Castiel fans being literally unbearable is why I left the fandom. Nothing against Misha or anything, and not even anything against Cas as a character (who I very much enjoyed in seasons 4 and 5), but his fans have always been the worst and they try to insert him into everything.

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

Castiel/Destiel fans, which even though I also hated the direction the show was going, drove me out of the fandom. Not like, personally or directly, but just the sheer mental hoops they had to jump through in order to make their ship work and I just got tired of seeing all of the contrived meta on my dash. Oh, and the rampant misogyny that came out of those early Castiel fans. I didn’t appreciate it from the Wincest corner, and I definitely didn’t appreciate it from the fans of the new guy. Gross.

22. Popular character you hate?

Oof. I don’t know. I don’t really hate Castiel, because again, I liked him a lot in seasons 4 and 5. Even 6 was interesting, even if I don’t regard it as my own personal show canon. I don’t think there was a popular character in those first five seasons I ever really hated. I didn’t fundamentally hate a character at all until the MOL stuff came around. Um. Yeah, I don’t really have an answer for this.

23. Unpopular character you love?

Pretty much every female character ever. Jo, Ellen, Ruby, Meg... although Meg became more popular as the series went on, Anna. Um. OH, BELA. Bela ESPECIALLY, I recently rewatched season 3 and I cannot emphasize how MUCH I love Bela. She was the best purely human foil ever. Bela is hands down the character I love most that the fandom had frothing at the mouth hatred for. It doesn’t help that I legitimately think Lauren Cohan is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. But seriously, Bela. Hands down.

24. Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not? 

I have! Many of times, and ALWAYS WITH THE CAVEAT to stop at the end of season 5. Not a single one of them has listened to me and almost all of them came to me at the end of the finale and were like WHY DID I WASTE SO MUCH TIME, and I don’t want to say I told them so, but like, I explicitly in neon colored text once told them so, so like, idk what to tell them. But yes! I think if someone is interested in some classic mystery television that has an overarching theme of family and forgiveness and striking out against the boxes that life tries to put us all into, SPN is a great show. But only the first 5 seasons. Also, be prepared for some thematically problematic parts of the show because there’s a lot of cishet toxic masculinity in those early seasons, and we should examine our media critically. There’s also a lot of good though too, and IMO, the good outweighs the bad.

25. How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?

I would’ve ended it at season 5. I would’ve had Sam escape the pit and seen him standing under the street lamp, but then I would’ve had him walking away to leave Dean with Lisa (btw, side note, I DIDN’T like Lisa because I don’t think Dean would ever be truly happy with someone completely outside the life). Not because Sam doesn’t love his brother, but because he *does* love his brother, and because he would want Dean to be happy, even though Dean and Sam’s ideas of what makes the other happy have always been a little bit screwed up.. but that’s a different story.

27. Least shippable character?

Probably Zachariah. God, could you imagine? And... maybe Alastair, but I’m sure there are fics out there that I do not want to think about.

[grahamcarmen]

What's your ideal s3?

ideally? i have some vague beats  i want the story to touch on but I more or less trust the writing team for any specific path. (kind of a boring answer i know but genuinely i’m happy that i can say that i trust...the writers of all people)

but some things i’d like to see!

PLEASE GET CARMEN SOMEONE WITH MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE OR LIKE A SIDE DOCTOR THE TEAM TRUSTS BECAUSE SEASON 1 ENDED WITH RIB CRUSHING HUG AND S2 HAD HER NEARLY FREEZE TO DEATH AND I NEED MY DAUGHTER TO BE OK!!!

focusing on her mama finding mission is just something that’s been curious to me because?? are they going to make her alive? or are we going to lean into her found family? idk but i’m glad that the show gives carmen a lot of bonds to strengthen and make. i’m just hoping that its neither underplayed to focus on her family when they left us on an empty coffin or overplayed when team carmen is finally coming to some new depths of found family

BUT A RED CRACKLE EPISODE OF COURSE!!!

and more specifically for all the links being thrown at graham to finally come to some sort of fruition and for him to get his memory back. i am just so (SCREAM) about what he’ll decide when he remembers that “OH YEAH I WAS A THIEF FOR A VILLAIN ORGANIZATION WHO MIND MANIPULATED ME AFTER I FAILED TO “TAKE CARE OF” MY FRIEND WHO I AM KINDA THINKING MIGHT MEAN MORE TO ME”

IF IT’S ACME: graham and Julia to meet literally as Julia is about to bounce (side note: Julia should bounce) and ACME is trying to take advantage of graham + interact in general. i’d be so happy for Carmen to get two new allies, allies who by the way she actually pretty fond of, and even more so if they happen to get along. i know i’m kinda vague on it but i think that graham is just a really good character in the way he’s able to show support: how he listens. how he trusts, how he’s accepts when someone is just stronger than him in whatever area, and how he can be verbally uplifting. Julia’s current connections has been just...so lacking in these areas. not just the chief and chase but her new acme partner zari too ( i was so disappointed because i wanted to love her u don’t even know). i’d really like it if her interactions with graham were...refreshing for a change. i’d like it they were friends. (and also if they try to stab me in the heart with graham is bad ending Julia is strong enough to keep him in check)

IF IT’S VILE: GIMME THE ANGST! there was a hint in the opera caper  that there might be mind control going into the graham plot if its VILE who decides to use him and i’m just spazzing out at the idea of graham choosing carmen and then being sleeper agent-ed into being VILE anyway like wth. but  that wacky fan-fic IMJUSTKIDDING idea aside i think that if VILE is the one to activates his memories again its a good time to reconcile with the things that graham has done while on VILE’s dime (because there is the fact that he was ...of the correct aptitude to be considered a VILE candidate in earnest) while seeing where he’s going to go from there (hopefully away with Carmen to do good deeds instead) and on that note

JULIA AND GRAHAM BACKSTORY! we get hints of Julia being into art and we have graham’s current electrician job but aside from that maybe some more details about their lives outside carmen and VILE drama to flesh them out a bit more. (p.s also maybe player focus??)

;_; i want red crackle to go the beach guys

i want a masquerade episode guuuuuuuuuuuuys

but more importantly i want carmen and graham to keep their bond. they’ve been torn apart, walked apart, drifted apart, and yet they keep coming back like they were meant to be together. i have no illusions of canon romance in this show but i want their bond to end up positive because they are a good team when they get a chance to work together and they genuinely want to be that good team. and me...please...do it for my sanity showrunners

I’m also excited for what the development with Ivy is going to be considering she’s worn the red outfit so much, she’s been shown to be the one to make the tools, and in general to be able to step up as almost a substitute femme rouge should the occasion arise. 

development for chase....s2 had some crumbs but ooof he was just cut outta the middle of the season . I know i called him out on how he treats Julia but I don’t want him to stay like that. I want him to grow because i actually do like that man. he just needs to find a healthier way to deal with his insecurities (and for the narrative not to overlook his accomplishments and special skills he brings to the investigation). he’s honestly a fun character and it’d be a shame if the narrative didn’t take advantage layering growth on top of that. honestly when i started the show i thought they were going to have such a solid friendship akin to Juliet and Lassiter from Psych and it was pretty disappointing that their relationship didn’t get a chance to become more than Julia feeling undermined while downplaying Chase’s actual big breaks in the case. instead it kept escalating until in ep 9 we had a really honest conversation which i thought would lead to more honesty and growth in s2 and then adfnsalkn. NOPE!  i think they still could be a strong duo since Chase DOES have skills he can teach Julia (like when he let mime bomb go so they could follow him) and Julia’s intelligence does help give Chase’s determination more direction. when its not negative they have strong buddy cop vibes. we just need ...DEVELOPMENT.

i’d also like some zack bonding? of all her friends i feel like zack is the least secure in their friendship. its shown in the {need for speed caper} where she gets mad that he doesn’t understand her as well as ivy does when he mistakes her anger as a genuine hatred for them and he’s the one to immediately consider the offer to leave. we had the whole zack is the duke episode but it was more of a gimmick than actually developing that bond and it makes me really sad. so yeah. let zack be closer friends with carmen.

THE SHADOW-SAN BOND IS AMAZING AND I WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO STAY AMAZING. WITH CARMEN AND EVERYONE ELSE ON TEAM RED

It sounds like a weird point to end with since I started with “please get ma girl a doctor” but i want VILE to have a genuine win. no ifs, ands, or buts. carmen as a show works with her always winning mostly because of the principle of {if its not important if we win or lose then the stakes come from somewhere else} and that somewhere else is her PERSONAL bonds with shadow san, zack and ivy, Julia, ACME, her past, and Graham. and all of those were fantastic and ended great  or at least with some potential to end good with the exception of ACME...but i don’t want ACME to win anything. i’m honestly horrendously biased towards VILE faculty showing they’re competent. season 2 was a great season for testing her bonds with team carmen but to keep the testing of the bonds the conflict in s3 wouldn’t work so well /for me anyway/ because it would feel like re-treading ground when instead of “testing” they should instead be deepening. shadow, player, zack, and ivy now have a home with carmen. no need to make their new bond status reset to tenuous. i mean this mostly for her inner team since Julia has that little “carmen thinks i betrayed her” and Graham is a ticking time bomb of potential. looking at s2 tho a huge chunk of it was concentrated on her inner circle members being tested over us actually ever worrying if carmen was going to lose. in fact we got a longer list of VILE members who fail to deal with her which left behind some of our familiar faces like tigress, el topo, and mime bomb. the new faces were nice but they were also less impact in  terms of actual menace because...carmen wins. always.  so yeah...i want a win for VILE to throw in a new problem to the narrative mix. 

...so...yeah XD

[ofclvca]

— What’s MADDIE ZIEGLER doing in LOS ANGELES ?? Oh! That’s just LUCA DU PONT the SIXTEEN year old who lives in LA! On the outside looking in everything is perfect - but nothing is ever as it seems. They are hiding SHE’S BEEN STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER. Yikes! I hope that doesn’t spread to the neighbors!

𝐇𝐄𝐘  𝐇𝐈  𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐎  !! i’m ley  &  i’m so excited to be here !! i’m ur local disaster  //  colossal dumbass ( no lie i am lit rally so dumb ) !! i’m 18, go by she / her pronouns, and live in the est timezone. alritey,,,, since i know this is bound to get LONG & be a whole ass mess cause i haven’t written an intro in ages, so i’m just gonna get right into it, here’s my baby honey luca !!!!

FULL NAME: luca saige du pont. NICKNAME(S): her childhood nickname is lulu !  AGE: sixteen. DATE OF BIRTH: august 14th. ASTROLOGY SIGN: virgo. GENDER: female. PRONOUNS: she / her / hers. SIBLINGS: the du pont’s ! not gonna write names cause they’re not all here yet : ) HEIGHT: 5′4. RIGHT/LEFT HANDED: ambidextrous.

tw: anxiety, death, eating disorder

luca saige du pont was an angel in the du pont family. the little girl with the chubby cheeks, freckles, curly brown hair & bright blue eyes. she was very bashful & timid as a child, she would hide behind her parents legs to avoid speaking with strangers, and would clutch onto her parent’s hands for dear life.

luca had always been shy and hesitant as a child. she was always attached to her parent’s side, and dealt with some pretty severe separation anxiety. in hopes of breaking her out of her shell, her mom had signed her up for dance classes. she instantly fell in love with it, and was a natural.

while luca was shy in person, on stage she really shined. she cried after her first recital was over, saying that she never wanted to leave the stage.

dance really helped luca with her anxiety. it helped her feel like she had control of it, like she could go to dance and all of her worries would just slip away.

but, after her mother passed away, all of it slipped away and all control luca had on her life & anxiety completely disappeared. her eating disorder started as a way to cope with the death of her mother & her father’s arrest. 

it started out as eating healthier foods, then turned intro restricting calories, and is now at cutting out full meals and eating only what she needs to get her through the day. it’s spiraled, but luca is still convinced that she has it all under control and she’s fine.

now onto lighter stuff…. here’s a bit about her & her personality !!

she loves art ! like… in every form. one of those ppl that’s just artistically talented in everything and everyone is just wondering h o w ??

photography, painting, poetry, dance…. art in any & every form.... she loves it

she’s pretty shy when you first meet her, but once you get to know her she’s got the biggest heart and is one of the sweetest & most caring people you’ll ever know. probably like one of the most popular girls in school because she’s so sweet and the type of person that you see and just wanna know & be friends with 

luca is extremely naive. she has a tendency to always see the good in things. she has a trust that almost everything in the world is good unless proven otherwise

she always has paint on her fingers, occasionally on her jeans…. always has sketchbooks and worn down notebooks that she uses at bullet journals

she’s genuinely one of the most organized people you’ll ever meet. like i imagine her room being absolutely spotless at all time, everything is color coded, she has the most organized closet you’ll ever see

ever since the death of her mother, she’s kind of started acting out, which is pretty out of character for her. she’s gotten very reckless & has kind of started to associate with the wrong crowds. she’s started going home to parties, staying out almost all night,  & snapping at family / friends. 

[imreallyfkinsorry-blog]

Honestly right now i feel like shit. This was the last thing i ever wanted to happen. Did you really have to block/unfriend me on everything. Do u really not want to be my friend that badly, i was really upset u didnt even message me once over these 4 days like u wudnt even know, but i accepted it because of u and ur situation, i was ok with not talking to u for months if it atleast meant i can still be your friend, i was so happy for you when i saw ur results like u wudnt believe, i almost called you the second i saw, im still sooo proud of you, i was so excited when i heard u reached this morning i wanted to be the first one to hug u and congratulate you but u cudnt even look me in the eye, that really hurt, i mean like really cant i celebrate your achievements with you? Cant i be happy for you? Even after all that i still bought a freakin slice of cheese cake for u just now in massy to surprise you tomorow, but now i saw that im unfriended. Is what im doin really that bad? All the headpats and snacks and stupid jokes, the cup the pens, the kfc, the chinese food, the bestie card the worrying about you, even not messaging you after 4 or on weekends, even when alicia asked about the art supply crap i told her i probably forgot to give u, I really didnt know i was causing u so much pain, those stupid little things made me so happy, like soooo happy at this shit job, i even got super friendly with like everyone in the office so it wudnt be weird when im around you. Like everyone really likes me now like you wudnt believe, everyone just comes up and touches me or makes some joke or pushes me and honestly thats all thanks too you, the fay-cade is serious af, ugh it may sound like im just rambling on but thats because i am just rambling on, this may very well be the last message i send you so im sorry if its long i just have alot to say. I even made a new account since u know im probably blocked. Look tbh i understand y u blocked me and dont want to talk to me outside of work u think this is gonna make ur relationship healthier and perfect and at the end of the day as much as i throw tantrums and bitch about u not messaging me and neglecting me, i still do 100% platonically love you, you are still MY best friend you can block me, unfriend me even pass me straight in the office, nothing is gonna change that,i may not attend your wedding but i want you too know i want you to be happy,i genuinely do, you fucking deserve that, you deserve the best tho i not gonna lie and say ur not an asshole or very immature or that u treat me like shit, but jesus tap dancing christ its those little things that you do that make me soo happy, i just want you to be sooo happy and i want to thank you for being my friend, like really, thank you Lorrie. I can never hate you....

Nvm u made me cry today,i was setting up this cool joke from a tiktok vid i saw and u just ripped me apart, i had to go outside to play it off, now stacy ann thinks i hav corona or some. I was dissapointed in u in that moment but i will never hate you so u can hate me all you want, act agitated with me all you want, act like im bothering you all you want, im still gonna pat ur head, smile with you, bring you snacks and defend you whenever i hear the slightest inkling of someone insulting u. You know what u were being a dick for today im gonna eat your cake now. Btw my friend came to pick me up today thats why i stayed back late then i saw u, were u running from me? Thats kinda freaking depressing and kinda really hurt but still

I DO NOT HATE YOU,

Still i am sooooo fucking proud of you tho, fucking distinctions hoe fucking hell you bad bitch.

Im probably gonna leave JD soon so please please please please dont hate me until then, i cant deal with passing you straight and not talkin to u, we can talk about suppliers and staplers for hours if u want, im just sooo fkin sorry i made u feel like that so please dont hate me, honestly there really is something wrong with me, im trying to work on it.

I started writing this to fkin get everything off my chest and tell you y i hate u but i cant, i really cant.if today or tomorrow something happens to either of us i dont want today to be the way we remember each other.

You're my friend, you always will be, even if everyone is against you, even if its 40 years in the future, even if you never talk to me again, you can always come to me, i will always be there for you, no matter what.

Btw if u think ghosting me is gonna get u away from me buyin you a birthday present then you dont know me atall.

Can you atleast just add me back on facebook, this actually really bothers me, i really like to see the shit u post once in a while, i promise never to message you and i promise not to post anything so u wont have to see me...please.

If not then ok, im still gonna be down but i dont hate you and i am soo sorry i forced you to have to go this far i really really didnt wanna hurt you. Being your friend has made me so goddamn happy these couple months,like every single day was something to look forward too but if i have to sacrifice my happiness in order for you to be happy,as much as ot fucking hurts, then so be it, I can live with that.

Thank you for being my friend, like truly thank you,that meant so much to me even if it was for a short while. Thank you.

Again im sorry and please dont hate me

Lol now finish the cake.

Im so proud of you, u smart muthafker and im lovin the person your becoming, strong, intelligent and beautiful. You deserve to be happy, you earned that right and i hope you get everything you want. Im praying for it, like to indian jesus and the spagetti monster.

Good bye, i may not come tomorrow.

Pawny stays with me until i leave, no kidnapping or chicken protective services😤

Thank you for everything, thank you for being such an amazing friend and for being there for me I really and truly appreciate it...... and please dont not forget me.

Add me back😢

[blooming-inthedark]

the summer fling.

Marco.

When I was a teenager, I had low self-esteem. I didn’t feel that I was pretty because nobody ever told me I was. Once I started getting attention from boys, they always happened to be ones that I found unattractive. I assumed that if only ugly guys liked me, it must’ve meant that I was ugly too. All the fine guys that the other girls would fawn over would never look in my direction. Then one day, a fine guy did look at me. And this was the attention I thought I wanted until I later learned that it wasn’t.

After my first year of high school, my mom enrolled me into a performing arts summer camp that offered drama, dance, music, visual and martial arts. I was enamored with being in the drama program at my high school, so being able to do the same things in the summer time was really good for me. Enter Marco. Marco was tall, light-skinned, super attractive, and had zero interest in any of the performing arts offered at camp. He was an athlete – he played basketball at school, and almost always wore LA Lakers gear to camp to show that he was all about the NBA. In all of the classes, Marco either struggled to grasp the concept, or spent the whole time cracking jokes and causing fun distractions for everyone else. Classic, knuckle-headed boy who probably meant well but just wasn’t stimulated by the things placed in front of him.

Camp was generally split by age groups, and Marco and I were amongst the oldest: ages 12-16. He was one year younger than me, so I had this false sense of seniority over him. I would often shake my head and roll my eyes at his immaturity, but couldn’t help crushing otherwise. Yes, he probably didn’t value camp like I did, but he was hella cute and somehow found me intriguing too. Marco had the tendency to flirt with me, and the one other girl who was our age, Paris, and somehow we were both okay with going back and forth with establishing finicky, playful romances with him. One week he would be holding my hand and sitting by me in every class. The next week, he would be horsing around with Paris in the hallways and following behind her. Obviously it was nothing serious, just kids being kids, and when he moved to Las Vegas and left camp, I didn’t expect to see him anymore.

Then, I turned 21 and wanted to plan a birthday trip to Vegas with my mom and sister. Marco and I had become friends on facebook by then, and I messaged him to playfully suggest that we should link so he could buy me an ice cream cone while I was there. He agreed, but I was so excited about the real itinerary for the trip, I didn’t take his word as bond. When I finally arrived that June, my sister’s friend picked us up from the airport, and drove us down the strip to our hotel. I took a photo of the palm trees and messaged Marco saying how cool the trees looked. He responded “You’re here :)” and my heart fluttered a little because that let me know that he had anticipated my arrival.

My mom, sister and I went to eat and explored the shops for a little while, but jet lag had us too tired to fill the whole day like we had planned. That night, I was rested enough to go back out on the town. Marco was just getting off and offered to take me on a tour of the strip, so I obliged. When I came down to the lobby, he was waiting in his FedEx uniform. I wonder if my mouth dropped before I started grinning, because cute, lanky, immature Marco had turned into tall, toned, grown ass man Marco, and here he was smiling just as hard and pulling me into a hug. I hopped into his truck and we headed down to the strip to walk and catch up. I couldn’t believe I was spending time with this gorgeous guy who had made time for me. After the general ‘It’s been so long’ spill, he said “When you told me you were here I was like man, my girl is in town. I gotta see her and show her around” I remember being flattered and half-dazed that he referred to me as ‘his girl’, even though I knew it didn’t mean girlfriend. I was wide open already; all of those feelings from camp came rushing back. I was crushing all over again, and it seemed to still be mutual. We walked around to some of the casinos and malls, and basically caught up. It felt great to have a chill night with him, and for the rest of the trip, I found myself thinking about him and hoping we could link again.

One day, my mom, sister and I walked the strip, shopped, ate, got tipsy, and went to see a Cirque Du Soleil show. Afterwards, we were supposed to find a nightclub to go to a dance afterwards. But the alcohol and events of the day once again got to them. We all stumbled into a taxi and headed to the room, but again, after a brief rest period, I still wanted to do more. Enter Marco again. He asked me if I was available to hang out and I jumped on the chance. I had on a pink strapless bodycon dress and sandals for walking, so I was feeling cute. He picked me up again and ended up buying me a drink at one of the casino bars. Sometime after that, we got in the car and found ourselves at some park. We went and sat on the swings and talked for a bit, until I got cold and he offered me the seat on his lap. I took it, and we continued our discussion, moving on to more personal things, like people we had dated and what we planned to do after college. The conversation naturally fell off, and there was a quiet. For a moment we just sat there. I looked up at the stars in the sky and still couldn’t believe I was spending time with him in this way. It was almost surreal. Then, he said into my ear, “Look at me”. When I turned around, there was only a brief hesitation before we fell into a slow kiss. It grew, and grew, until it tapered off and ended as softly as it began. Butterflies ran rampant in my stomach.

We almost drove to the beach because it was only a couple of hours away, but I declined. So, we decided to leave and do some more walking around the mall. All the while we were holding hands, or I was clinging to his arm. I remember us heading back to the car - getting on the elevator to the parking garage. As soon as the elevator doors closed, like magnets we fell back into a kiss, five times as intense as the first. I was completely consumed by his scent, and the way his arms felt around my body. I felt that strange, but enjoyable jolt in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to live in that moment for hours because I had never felt such strong mutual desire. When the elevator doors opened again, a woman appeared on the other side and we quickly dislodged our faces, smirking and facing forward again. When we got back in the car, we talked a bit more and found ourselves making out again, this time with Marco’s hands creeping to the warmest region, and with my hands softly pushing them in the other direction. He dropped me back off to my hotel, we said our goodbyes, and I replayed that night over and over for days, even long after arriving back home in Memphis. Marco and I texted regularly after that, and while I knew it would never turn into anything more, I had hoped that our communication lasted as long as it could.

I saw him in person one last time. Marco visited Memphis months later to see family during a major holiday. He was only in town for a few days, and spent so much time seeing his people that he only had time to squeeze in a visit to my house the night before his morning flight back home. He came in, and we spent no more than 20 minutes together before he left again. Of course after the small talk part of it, we ended with an infamous kiss that got heated… and then got weird. This was the first time I reached down and felt what Marco was packing, and it was huge. I was so caught up in the awe of it, I didn’t stop his hands. I was on my period, and had a pad on. I failed to disclose this information. Instead of palming my booty through my pants, he slid his hand into the back of my underwear to feel the real thing, but went deep enough to this undefined swampy area of blood-tinged sweat. His hand came out clean, but I always assumed that he got in the car and smelled it for whatever reason, because after that I didn’t really hear from him again. I felt awful and ashamed but was never brave enough to ask about it. Of course at this point it doesn’t matter and I don’t want to know.

I never really spoke to him after that. He would jokingly respond to some of my tweets, and didn’t unfriend me on any social media, but I knew we wouldn’t rekindle that flame anymore. At some point he graduated, and got a girlfriend. Currently I’m not sure what he is doing, because we are no longer friends on social media, but hope he is happy and doing well.

I remember Marco because sadly, he was the first guy who has ever made me feel desired physically, even if a large amount of that unfortunately came from lust. Quite a few guys had expressed interest in me and complimented my looks, but I felt no validation on my end because I didn’t find them physically attractive. But Marco was fine and sought after by other chicks, and because of my confidence issues, his pursuing me made me feel good about myself. It wasn’t until later that I realized that while his physical attraction to me might have been genuine, it was purely one-dimensional. Marco never had any intentions on getting to know me as person, and wasn’t drawn to me on a deep level. He was also the first person I felt intense lust for, and as I’ve gotten older and interacted with other men along the way, I can still count on one hand the times I’ve felt this feeling for someone else. Each time, I later assessed the situation as potentially toxic because I realized we were two individuals leaning on each other to fill a physical need that we mistook as an emotional one. Now that I have a healthier sense of self-worth, I turn down a lot of men and find myself being alone more often than I would like. Dating is hard, especially as a virgin, because sex is deal-breaker for most people my age and being horny is sometimes difficult when you’re trying to hold yourself to certain spiritual standards. But my experience with Marco helped me recognize that I have often blurred the line of what I deserve vs. what I put up with, as it pertains to men. I am worthy of a healthy, layered, fully-realized love with a partner who desires me in all ways, not just the ways that feel good. Finding that type of love is a long journey that takes patience, though. I am working on being patient and not taking detours that only satisfy the lower part of me.

I no longer get excited about how people look. Surface-level attraction means absolutely nothing to me if the layer underneath is made of concrete.

Peace to you for reading.