#i genuinely don’t understand and can’t fathom a life where Things just Go

[loverboybrightsideghost]

you ever look back on the past few months and go “oops”

[cecropiacrown]

We’re… friends, right?

Yes, we are.

Well, I need to ask you something. As my friend.

Oh?

But—and I promise I’m not joking—I also need to ask you something as… Ju Yang.

Oh?

So I have never struggled, as some people do, with my method of cultivation. I’ve never found another person attractive in the way people describe. Aesthetically, sure, but not… not carnally. That’s never been something I’ve dealt with. I’ve never had to worry about such things.

There are plenty of people like you who also feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Ah, but… that’s not what I’ve come to ask about.

Then what?

I understand those feelings. I understand how to live my life that way. What I don’t understand… what I can’t possibly fathom… is that it could change.

Mu Qing, are you saying that—

Can such a thing change, Feng Xin? I’m dealing with—with these feelings that are so out of my realm of understanding and I just—

What is it exactly that feels different? Is it that you’re now noticing others in ways you haven’t before?

Not others.

What?

Not… not multiple others. Just one person.

Ah, I think I may understand.

Oh?

I think you may be like me, Mu Qing.

In what way?

Let me ask you a question first.

Go ahead.

This person, are you very close to them?

Ah, yes. I am.

How close?

Quite…

And when did you notice these feelings you harbor for them?

Recently. Within the past few months. But, I suspect I’ve felt this way for them much longer than even I have realized. It makes… sense, looking back at least.

I think you may indeed be like me then, Mu Qing.

Explain yourself.

Well, for me, I find that I don’t have the capacity to feel romantic or sexual feelings for others unless I have an incredibly strong bond with them. That’s not to say I feel those things for everyone I have a strong bond with, just that the bond is a prerequisite.

Oh.

Yeah. Is that what you wanted to talk about or?

Well, yes, but… but also…

[Mu Qing swallows. Feng Xin furrows his brows and leans forward.]

I've changed my cultivation.

You… you did?

I did. And that’s where I need some… advice from Ju Yang.

Mu Qing—

Listen, I have looked through scrolls about how—about how it all works and they just—weren’t helpful. At all.

A-Qing—

I need to know more about—

First, tell me how the reading material was unhelpful. Are you looking for diagrams or—

No. No, I found plenty diagrams. It’s just that the material itself wasn’t…applicable.

How so?

I could only find texts about… intimacy between two people of the opposite sex.

…

…

Oh. Oh, Mu Qing—

What? Just—stop looking at me like that, I just—

You’re interested in a man?

…

Yes.

And you changed your cultivation for him?

No, no—I did it for myself mainly. But… but also because I wish… to be able to offer myself in that way. Not because it's expected of me but because I truly wish to experience it.

And have you told him this? That you've switched cultivation methods?

Ah, it's hard to say…

Have you even told him of your affections?

No. No, I haven't.

Why not?

I… I'm not confident he feels the same for me. I could make a fool of myself. I could be ridiculed.

But you said you're quite close to him?

Yes.

Anyone you're close to wouldn't dare to mock your feelings. There's really no sense in not confessing, when truly you have nothing to lose. Either you don't confess and you never know whether your feelings are returned, or you do confess and end up with an answer either way—even if it's not the outcome you're hoping for.

Even if he doesn't reciprocate, I'm sure he will be incredibly honored to have been the subject of the great General Xuan Zhen‘s affections.

[Feng Xin smiles, a bit teasing, but still with genuine care.

Mu Qing looks… torn. ]

Mu Qing?

Yes?

Who is he?

I… I can’t say.

Mu Qing.

Feng Xin?

It’s not Pei Ming, is it?

Oh gods no! No! What are you thinking!?

Then why won’t you tell me?

…

Mu Qing… I know him, don’t I?

Yes.

Then let me vet him. Or duel with him, at the very least.

What? Duel with him?

Yes! To determine if he’s worthy of you—though I can already assure you he isn’t. Of all the men I can think of who could reasonably be your beloved… none of them deserve you in the slightest, Mu Qing.

It’s you.

…

It’s always been you, A-Xin.

________

Been thinking a lot recently about post-canon fengqing becoming very close friends, maybe within the first decade after canon. Mu Qing, after everything that happened, being a bit softer and more open to his friends, but especially to Feng Xin. And then Mu Qing realizing he has feelings for him... it makes me so soft 😭 so I cleaned up this dialogue and wanted to share. I might expand on it later, we'll see 🩷

[purefandomonium]

Unused Snippet from Connection

I came across this while working on the next couple chapters. I forgot all about it, but it's not something I'm going to keep in the story. So I figured I'd post it because it's still a decent "chapter." I think I wrote it kind of early on but ended up scrapping it because it didn't really fit in how I wanted. Anyway.

RED: I don’t think I ever asked, but what’s it look like out there?

RED: Outside, I mean.

Leann hummed. “That’s kind of a tough question. I guess it depends on how much you understand certain concepts.” She inspected the screen, curious as to how Red perceived that virtual world of his. She doubted he fully understood weather, or sunrises and sunsets, or temperature. The bare minimum she hoped he knew was light and nature, otherwise she was at a loss.

“You, uh, know what plants and stuff are, right?”

RED: Of course.

Something about that particular block of text emitted sarcasm.

RED: I know what the sun and moon are, and what animals are too.

“Do you?” She was genuinely surprised. The sun and moon made sense, but Red knowing about real world animals was odd. “I wouldn’t have thought any previous players would have sat you down and told you about the literal birds and bees.”

RED: I don’t know everything, but I do understand they’re essentially like Pokemon but with no special moves.

She could almost hear the ‘whoosh.’ Unable to stop the grin, she said, “Yeah, that’s sorta right. It’s just… Pokemon aren’t the most scientifically accurate example. And making animals fight is hella illegal.”

RED: …That’s strange…

“How so?”

RED: Do people… want animals to fight?

“Er… no, not usually.”

RED: Then why make a game entirely about making fictional creatures attack each other until one of them passes out?

Leann’s brain failed at conjuring an answer. She sat there, gently spiraling into life-questioning territory. The more she thought about it, the more disturbed it sounded. She couldn’t fathom how Red must feel. After all, he spent many years gathering innocent creatures against his will only to be forced to sic them on others until they beat the opposing creature into submission.

RED: Do you think they feel?

Leann was tugged back to the conversation at Red’s chime. Oh boy. It wasn’t hard to see where this was going. “I… I don’t know, Red. Do you think they can? You’re the one in there with them.”

RED: How would they even tell me if they were like me? The only sounds they can make are those blasted “calls.” Even if they were trying to tell me something, I wouldn’t be able to understand it.

RED: …Maybe they think I’m their tormentor. Maybe, to them, I’m this horrible monster who makes them fight for my own enjoyment. All they want is to run free and I’m the one holding them prisoner.

RED: If I can’t understand them, how could they possibly understand me when I tell them I don’t mean it and I’m just as much a prisoner as them?

She could feel rising panic at the words. “…Red, no. That’s not… For what it’s worth, I don’t think that’s the case at all.”

RED: How can you be so sure?

“Because if I know anything, it’s code. And the code for the Pokemon and the code for you are not the same thing. I don’t know what’s so different about you that you became self-aware, but I do know there’s no chance the Pokemon are.” She didn’t know that. She hoped Red wouldn’t call her bluff. “They’re just… How do I explain this?” She needed something believable. Suddenly, “They’re just placeholders. All they are is a stored sprite and a single sound. That’s it. They can have certain moves attached to them and that’s it. They aren’t designed with anything else in mind.

“You, on the other hand, are the player character. Of course you’re more important than the Pokemon. There’s way more code going into you than them. Besides, if they were sentient in any way, don’t you think you’d have noticed something different about them?” She let that sink in and hoped it would calm him down.

The panic she felt hadn’t been her own.

Red said nothing for a long while. He thought back on all the years he’d been trapped in the game, all the time he’d spent lamenting his fate, and not once did a single instance crop up where the Pokemon had done anything different. Even the glitched ones, though chaotic, had a set pattern they tended to follow. None of them ever deviated like he had.

RED: You’re right. All this time, they’ve never changed. They can’t be like me.

He wanted to laugh at how ridiculous he was being.

Leann was silent for several moments. “Is there a reason this bugs you so much?” This was the first time he’d ever mentioned the Pokemon to her. On the rare occasion they did come up, it was because she was telling him stuff about the current series or whenever she told him about an animal one of the creature’s designs were heavily based off of.

At best, Red seemed to harbor disinterest about the ones in his game. Seeing him get so upset over them now was bizarre.

Though he kept his true self hidden in the void, he could feel Leann’s gaze on his avatar. He sighed to himself. Sometimes thinking just sucked.

RED: It’s just… I always wondered why it had to be me.

RED: No one else became sentient. No one else sees this world for what it is.

RED: I’m surrounded by mindless drones.

“You sound like you got lonely,” she offered, tone gentle. She couldn’t blame him for getting so worked up. Being in his position would be agony for anyone.

RED: I used to love Pokemon. I didn’t really have a favorite, but I used feel a bond with each and every one I caught.

RED: I took pride in my team. I considered them friends. Before I…

“You hoped that maybe they’d be like you, right? Because they were friends to you before everything changed.”

RED: I tried to save them. I didn’t want them to suffer like me. I didn’t wanna make them fight each other, let alone things they had no hope of beating.

RED: …I know it’s stupid.

RED: Out of everything… I always thought they were the one thing I could choose…

“Oh, Red, I’m so sorry,” Leann said around the lump in her throat. The GameBoy felt heavy in her hands as she rubbed her thumbs along the sides, contemplating what could even be said to remedy Red’s mood.

RED: You don’t have to be sorry, Leann. Like I said: it’s stupid.

RED: Once I saw things for what they were, making them fight felt wrong.

RED: But I couldn’t stop it. And even though I knew they’d always come back after resets, it still hurt to watch them get torn apart by the same forces that tormented me.

She felt guilty for ever playing the game the way it was intended. She couldn’t look at the franchise the same after this. She remembered the whole thing with PETA, and while it was still the most ridiculous argument she’d ever heard of, it did carry a bit more weight to it now.

[saltocean]

does anyone even go here anymore

hello to anyone who reads this

though i don’t think anyone will because most of who i follow and who follows me has once again abandoned this site sadly...

just ten years ago when i was a spunky 11 year old pretending to be 13 on this site, thinking it was any older and any more wise, trying to make friends and i used to actually put myself out here with a personality on this site??

i’ve been thinking a lot (not typically a good thing) and i have a lot to say that i simply could not write down because i handwrite very slow but that i wanted to put out into the world 

almost like to say (hey! i did say that, look at the date on that post!)

but then on every other platform i have i get too scared because i’m like oh that’s too cringe

but i thought if i go here i can’t really complain because 1. probably no one is 2. i feel like i would be judged a lot less if i post here than anywhere else though ironically i stopped going on this site because i felt like it was too much to manage having an aesthetic up (how the heck did i make my theme like that and have blogrolls and stuff?? sometimes i really despise myself for accidentally deleting it the first time around by accident)

here it goes

the rant of a 21 year old who knew more of what she wanted as a ~tween~ than what she has at reach now

it honestly isn’t that interesting but sometimes it’s just the feeling of reading someone’s diary that could be so full of potential, so this is it:

i hate the way i live right now. it feels so mind-numbingly miserable and i feel like it’s very much not how life is meant to be lived. i only have bursts of moments where i feel excited to live the next day but for now i’m just doing what i’m supposed to because life has just gone this way for me. i’m taking classes i really don’t care about just because it has to be done and over with and because i dedicated the last 4 years of my precious early adulthood to it, though i don’t remember most of the time. 

i hate that i spent being 18-20 thinking i was incredibly old and passionless and done for when i know if i knew what i did now i would’ve started sooner and perhaps felt maybe less like hopeless for my future. i don’t even know if i what i like right now is genuinely what i like because at 17 i thought that s*ciol*gy was the thing for me and i so incredibly regret it now. i see people younger than me accomplishing so much and i feel so behind and regretful of things i never capitalized on that i could’ve. 

i know that social media is an incredibly deceptively harmless poison, but it’s the tool that has ironically kept me optimistic through presentation. i know not everyone who posts their gloriously peaceful lives genuinely are without flaw or stress, but i miss sunlight a lot. it’s so depressing to go to a class i have no interest in while the sky is only ever grey or rainy. i often think about how 17 year old me would wake up at 6:30am to go to school five days a week in my first term of university, and i know that’s because it was so similar to the life i led in high school. but now, i whine and complain about going once a week to a class where the prof is so kind and understanding and does his best to make sure everything is straightforward. my other two classes are creative writing and easily are my favourite any other term of my academic career. but i still feel miserable and i hate complaining because it could be so much worse. it’s genuinely not that bad but it feels like every second that i become aware of what my current routine is, i can’t seem to fathom how bleak things look. 

some people my age have their lives planned and already know what they want to do a year from now. i get it, we’re 21 and we’re supposed to graduate this year. but besides my graduation being a year delayed, i know nothing at all and nothing that i would even want to do. my post-grad options don’t look too good and i can’t imagine giving the rest of my life to any of those lifestyles of research and data entry. 

when i think about summer, i remember how the sun came into my living room wall at golden hour and the way i could leave my balcony door open. kids were still playing outside, and at the time, it was a privilege that me, also a kid, would spend all my time watching TV instead of doing extracurriculars or something similar. i think about how as a teen, it meant super late nights at 1 am with the blinds up and a midnight sky seemingly an endless dark black hole until you open the window and you can hear as much life outside as in. it’s watching white butterflies in my backyard while my mom puts up laundry to dry in the june sun right as i get home from school and realizing i still have time to nap before dinner.

this is the only thing i am holding on to for now because without it i have no motivation to get out of bed. i feel like life is that perfect moment there of me in that summer moment remembering it as just a heated summer and nothing more and how perfect it was to be 15 years old training back at 10 pm after meeting my idol at the time. i wish that my life could be more of that again rather than thinking everyday how unhappy i am and simultaneously being paranoid that it could be worse. but i know life can be so much more even if it’s so much simpler because i had days by the water on the dock, just admiring the sunset change. i know that’s what life is and what it can be instead of this. 

i feel regretful constantly putting myself on autopilot mode to try to drive away the stressors i have and get through the period that i find rough, and i wish that i could wake up everyday more excited for the next because i know it’s exhilarating and new. i hated doing this in year 1 when i was 18 and yet i’ve been 20 and doing it at 21 wasting my life just praying the time away because i’m so stressed. i’m selfishly and stupidly envious and jealous of the 17-20 year olds who recognize that they want to appreciate their age and that i couldn’t do the same and that i’m probably doing the same now. it feels like i’m permanently stuck from who i was in march 2020 and i’m scared i’ll never grow to be better than i was then and become happier to a point where me then would be shocked or jealous of where i am now. 

idk i feel insane omg 

as usual i also had more to say and better things to say to explain what i did write, but i forgot it in the middle of typing ! 

minor things i’ll happily complain about

- they took away 21 by dean on instagram by the time i turned 21 so i couldn’t add it to my ig story on my birthday lol

- two of my bedsheets shrank because i think they were supposed to be air dried but ?  ? ?? 

- i can’t hang my clothes to dry outside because there’s new housing units that block the natural light to my backyard now lul

- my favourite pho place by my house is gone :( the owner was so nice i never got to say thank u and goodbye bc it went down for renovation over the new year and then suddenly just was announced a new restaurant would take its place like ok.

but i also hope that once this period of grey unknowing passes, or even during the cloud of uncertainty, i can find the same sort of summer moments all year around to bring that same light and warmth and i hope i find my passions and am doing something that makes me happy a year from now idk 

idk can be good now

(cue the “the scary news is ur on ur own now . the cool news is ur on ur own now!” that’s the type of energy i sense from idk what i’m doing with my life but it also opens me up to a lot so i hope i can find something for me) :]

also it’s like kinda dumb but like i’ve been following these daily diary tiktok accounts and like people who started their own youtube channel even with like a couple viewers and it made me want to do it because i don’t have much going on in my life ngl but sometimes i have stuff to say and i’m like well might as well make cute lil videos out of it bc sometimes i feel like it’s pretty like the day it snowed really hard and stuff and when i wanna do these rants idk

i also have that youtube channel i made in grade 12 for the titanic game but i never posted after the app got discontinued and now i wanna post game stuff on it bc i still have some subscribers on that that i would hope would want to watch me play stuff even just for funsies idk cus i’m like well . what if they’re mean or what if they don’t like it but i grew up watching let’s play youtubers and i was never mean and i was like what if they all unsubscribe bc they signed up for titanic game / mobile app game stuff not this horror pc game stuff but . at this point they’ve been subscribed to a dead channel since 2019 and others did unsub (me pretending like it doesn’t hurt my ego that i saw it peak at 51 and now it’s like 45 or something even though i know i haven’t posted in forever lol) but like .. also those girlies on tiktok who posted their daily vlogs were like. “do it! do what u want to, start that channel or business you’ve been thinking of” and i’m like so true!! ok i will!! what’s the harm !! it’s just my vods anyways right !!

idk!!!!

end rant gahhhhh!!!!

[atidge2far]

I got given a book from my psyche about exploring whether you can be friends with a lover yet, at all, and how to know you are making a right decision to try have a period of not forcing friendship.

Some of the things it says - are making me confront some realities and not making me feel the best:

“It sounds like you're going through an incredibly challenging time, and it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by emotions after a breakup where you want reconciliation but the other person doesn’t.“

“Reflecting on Your Feelings: - Are you feeling sad because you miss your ex, or are you feeling regret about the relationship? “

▶️ the last few months have made me aware it’s because I miss them, that a huge part of my happiness involved them, and there’s not a day I don’t think about them, and grieve our closeness or being part of their life. And time and space hasn’t changed that significantly -making me at times struggle more.

“Consider Your Intentions: Think about why you want to be friends with your ex. Is it genuinely to maintain a connection, or is it a way to keep the door open for a potential reconciliation? “

▶️ I want to be friends with them because I want them in my life, I’d rather even just friends than nothing at all… but the way they are able to be friends at the moment isn’t a friendship I want. There is an imbalance of perhaps neither of us having wanting the type of friendship the other wants.

I want to be close, to be able to support them, to not feel guilty wanting to see them wanting their time or energy, I want to share things and I want to feel like they want to spend time with me. Like any of my other friendships

They need more patience and understanding, they need boundaries, they need time and space and friends lite, with compassion for their worst year of their life.

I have empathy and compassion, I do, but ultimately I’m too selfish and despite not thinking i was or not making it about it to, I have been hoping for things to change for them, for something to tick and maybe be given a chance to redeem myself, or them having enough space to feel differently or miss me enough to want more. It’s really hard to see I’ve put my needs and wants above theirs again. (Something that I had done a few times in relationship and ultimately probably one of the reasons they can’t fathom being with me again). It’s potentially unforgivable that I can’t support them as a friend properly - but I’m not sure there’s been any way for me to do that either.

It’s fucked.

“ Looking/responsing to Signs: if you find yourself waiting looking or waiting for a specific sign, overthinking everything - you should actively try shift your focus to observe how your feelings evolve over time, if your needs are changing... If you find that you’re consistently wanting to reconcile, that might be an indicator of what you truly want.”

▶️This one is hard for me, I’ve been told they still love me, they miss me everyday, they think of me everyday, a whole slew of things my universe can’t compile into understanding why I can’t be part of their life, even in a reduced capacity that acknowledges that they aren’t ready for a relationship but respects those mutual feelings or explores what could happen like dating or a something that doesn’t make me feel none of that matters or none of how I feel matters.

I also have forced conversations to try understand if things have changed or find out where they are at, which they have generously responded and shared they are really struggling not seeing anyone not wanting to etc - but then it beint suggested that they don’t want to talk about it again with me hurts coz if they truely wanted friendship they’d be okay talking about it because friends talk about relationships/matters of the heart where they are at. So do they not want to be good friends at all either (and I get friends with exs can’t start there but it’s also kinda hard to have them say things like “I don’t want to explore x relationship with you at this time” , “ right now I need to be alone” “ I haven’t closed to the door to it” … and then not have space to make sure if things change I can find out… which I know is selfish and I know it sounds like I’m waiting around unfairly but I actually am not wanting to put pressure on, just learn how to act appropriately and to save myself from making things worse)

But the hardest part is, I have now spent 10 months talking to psyches , friends, myself, my ex when we have had space or hard conversations coz I’m fucked… and I have wanted to reconcile for the lion share of that. I have wanted to learn from the past and do better, I have wanted to try redeem myself to them and me, I’ve truely wanted it.

And it doesn’t matter for shit. It may not ever.

Hearing them tell me I’m an amazing person with a big heart and I deserve things and I’m allowed to want things- but then yeah be where I’m at.

Is hard. And every time makes me believe it less and less. Or makes me feel punished or not trusted or something

So all in all, it’s a fucked situation

And my love -must be cursed and fucked because my loving someone is ruining any chance of being friends right now.

“I think we love who we love and there’s not a damn thing that can be done about it.”

— Susan Donovan, He Loves Lucy

[drakinq]

120624

Winthrop, IL

9:52PM

I let my mind get the best of me today. Once again I wanted the morning to myself but everyone was home. My tooth has been bothering me which kept me up most of the night and then of course i woke up to them remodeling the bathroom. My tire got flat on my way out to run errands and by that time my body and mind felt overall gross. After my brother came to put on my tire with the meanest attitude, I just went to get coffee and smoke a joint. I haven’t been smoking much because I feel like no amount of weed has been helping me these days. But man that joint instantly calmed whatever anxiety I was feeling. & although it didn’t solve any major problems, I felt slightly more relaxed. I wanted to get more work done on my car but realized I didn’t have as much in my account and am gonna have to wait until next week. I’m so excited to get these two things off the list so I can finally move. I ended up canceling the walking pad I bought because I think I just need to get a gym membership to get out of the house. I tried to sign up for one of my favorite gyms but they are in the process of hiring me to teach Yoga so they said I might as well wait because I’ll get a free membership. Which was annoying but they’re gonna let me take a yoga class tomorrow for shadowing. Hopefully next week everyone is out of the house by 8AM and I can do my workouts from home and hopefully be fully hired at this gym. I really need to start my days running and a good stretch. I hate that my trauma is so deep and complex no one really understands why I’m struggling so badly. They think it’s all in my head and in my control but they have know idea how much CPTSD takes over your daily life, your daily enjoyment, peace , ect… I passed CYOC today and remembered the time mommy took me there when she was helping me at another low point in life where I wasn’t doing well. When she was able to she was always sacrificing for me. I hate that I make people feel like they arent enough. She was always enough for me. It’s so hard to fathom that she’s not gonna come back and make it all better for me. I’m heart broken seeing everyone around me live their lives and grow and experience joy while I’m over here suffering and doing everything in my power to get back to joy. But that’s the thing about inequality. I’m starting here and you’re starting there. That’s something I don’t think the people around me understand. I just want to lean into this time of isolation and pour into myself. I deeply can’t wait to get out of this house more and more where it doesn’t feel so wrong being me. I fantasize about the day God gets his glory through me. I complain about not feeling seen now but I know I’m growing into a woman that’s gonna have everyone’s attention. & it’s gonna be different than the cliche Instagram aesthetic. I’m going to be genuinely fine with my solitude. I’ll know who my real circle is. The impact I’ll have on my ministry in the dance world is gonna be culture changing. My talent, passion and work ethic is going to be undeniable. I imagine myself drunk in a bathroom overseas after performing on tour with my favorite artist. I’m gonna get to travel and continue to connect with my favorite dancers and choreographers. I was looking at my memories from the beginning of this year and I had to remind myself that I was just in LA and even though it was hard, my best dancing came out, I set up lifetime connections and opportunities to come back to. For crying out loud I became friends with Brad and Angelina’s daughter and taught her tons of my choreo. She still hits me up to this day. I was recognized by some of my all time favorite choreographers. Hell, just a few weeks ago I got to go see Tinashe VIP because I’m friends with all the dancers. I think the path to success is inevitable if I don’t let this time in life let me think otherwise. I need to remember that my mom died during the hardest time of my life and it was completely normal to the take the rest of the year off for mental health.

[howsitaste]

As an individual with mental health issues. I can with my chest say nothing helps. Coping doesn’t exist in my mind. I take it as settling and I don’t like that because I’m always forgetting myself for others happiness. It hurts harder someone says they understand me because if they did they would be a go to person. I leave everyone alone when I’m really going through it and most people wouldn’t dare to try and go the length loved ones would. People bow out so fast, I don’t cling to love like everyone else does. It doesn’t process the same. Love is love, however my love isn’t. I’m happy to help I’m genuinely excited for amazing things to happen for people, yet what do I do? Just go missing because I can’t cope with people having support yet I’m apart of the support they have. My mind just goes and keeps going. It’s like I can’t fathom certain thoughts, people, actions, things etc etc.

I have my professional people but they just drug me up and tell me to think positive… I can do that with a blunt. I don’t like to spill because it’s just cast aside and why speak out about myself when it gets put into the shadows soon as I end the topic. Why look for me and ask what’s wrong once I end up in the hospital? Why tell me you love me no matter what? Why tell me you care about me but you can’t even grasp my thought process to try to being to understand.

Because you have your minds made up about me. And I don’t have a single thought about myself still till this day. I don’t even see myself when I look into the mirror. I don’t know who I am fr, I feel so lost in my own body as if I don’t own it as if it’s not the right one.

I’m not asking for help because the help isn’t helping. I just need to let it out without needing anything in return (something I always do, especially for people). I don’t want help anymore.

I don’t want to meet my maker on my own terms as much anymore and when I do it’s a split thought of well once you do then what? You’ll be back. You won’t recall but your spirit will still be heavy in the next life. Why would you want that for yourself or the next lifetime?

I worry myself with the thought that I’m just a girl with no guidance…

There are times where I forget I was diagnosed yet in those moments I feel the most control over what I can do for myself. But it’s at the self destruction point I gain this ability. I’m so all over the place even this post has me shredding.

[crowvainn]

sighh, big vent/rant abt my life issues bc im lowkey tweaking 💔

had a mental breakdown bc im stressed about what will happen to me in the futureeee (anxiety! how fun /sarc) and im really unhappy with the fact that my mom will never accept my gender identity (shes islamic…) and i genuinely feel like a piece of shit bc i seem to always act like a ungrateful and selfish bitch-

a couple days ago i had heartburn, because i don’t eat particularly well (binge eating and eating unhealthy food in general… i really try to not to do so but it’s hard :() and that made my mom pretty stressed and i felt horrible about it and im scared with the possibility that i could damage myself greatly.

i also generally act stubborn and, well, not the best- it causes her to be pretty snappy with me (which i understand, i just wish she isn’t so harsh) and when i was being very much random and like… i don’t fucking know, just me being a weirdo again- she said to me “something bad will happen in your life, mark my words” or something like that. im not sure if she actually meant that (bc we were already stuck in the rain at that time and had came back from a reoccurring meeting thing she doesn’t exactly enjoy… can’t really say here for privacy reasons-) but that freaked me out big time. like… sorry for just being who i am, silly and well, myself… like jeepers give me a warning before you drop something very much not good at all that makes me question myself deeply 😨

i really wish i could change how i act, even my identity, because i just wish that my mom accepted me. i wish i was a better person, i wish could meet her standards, i just wish that she supported me. but no, of course not. im sure she still loves me, even with me being a freaky goober, but she definitely doesn’t like how i am. i wish i can improve how i act for the better, but god damn that’s hard.

and with the fact that i have anxiety (i have a lot of symptoms, i can’t get professionally diagnosed, soo self diagnosed), anger issues, im super emotional andddd im stuck home with not much to do but be on devices n shit and just,, being alone with my thoughts a lot,,, i’ve just not been coping well, at all-

eugh… i wish school started earlier, so i’d be able to talk to my friends, as well as just being in a environment where im not??? alone with me myself and i??? this fucking sucks

i swear therapy would make me feel so much better, but im lowkey scared to talk about this to the counselors at my school about it, and i did ask my mom about getting therapy like a couple weeks back and she waved it off and said i didn’t need it… bitch you clearly know that im broken asf and you dont let me? :( ik it stresses her out but pleas….. do something that can help me feel better again aghhh

i also really hate that i have short term memory, and i can’t really understand some things correctly. it’s so damn annoying :C and with the fact that i was let on the internet at a pretty young age didn’t help either. like, fucking 2nd grade, is when i lost my innocence. god damn (then again, that’s when i moved to one of the other boroughs from queens, so. i got immediately exposed💀) and i was left unsupervised so much. im still on the internet a lot, and im not happy about that at all. but because of summer break, im stuck at home, andd i don’t have a lot to do besides basic chores, hw and reading. being on the internet is a escape from reality for me, but i really wish it wasn’t. im trying to do stuff other than being online but all the negative thoughts keep flooding back in my head… it’s literally so miserable even being online isn’t working to make those thoughts go away.

i feel dumb and useless. i feel like im a nuisance to everyone. i just wish i can belong, and i wish i was happy. im fucking scared of growing up, and im scared of what i’ll become. what the fuck will i even do when im an adult? i can’t fathom it at fucking all. im worried my life really will take a turn for the worst. (what if what my mom said is true…?)

i hate panicking. it’s starting to become more prominent :( and i’ve also been panicking with the thought of me being a therian, in which it’s like “oh no sam you might be a cambitherian or a therian and not animalhearted” to “no you can’t be either of those animalhearted resonates with you the most.” “righttttt…..?” and repeat. i don’t think i really identify as a cat at all but my brain is funky :< but like i do feel better with being cathearted. cats are my found family, but not my kin. if i had the ability to i’d def be a cat though. it would be a more stress free life 💔💔

now im using my ipad to take my mind off of the stress and rant abt this. welp… not helping that my ipad has a cracked screen and i have to get it fixed for the third time…. and that i have to deal with the hassle of moving soon… the only decent thing is me going to the beach on monday. maybe i’ll be a bit less active tomorrow. well i’ll try to- the summer reading homework isn’t doing itself…. sobbing

i feel like im typing gibberish now oopsies. its 11pm💀 sighhh I just hope things will get better soon, maybe when school starts again i’ll be able to cope better. (i feel like im repeating things a lot, but oh well)

[dent-de-leon]

My heart’s still torn over Caleb’s comic, and I am once again thinking about how far he’s come. And, because I love Molly parallels, how he genuinely took to heart leave the world better than you found it. 

We see Caleb’s heart shattering when his home and his whole childhood goes up in flames, panicking and lashing out and desperate to break free from the power Trent held over him. He accidentally hurts Astrid when she tries to console him, because he’s just breaking down from all the pain and heartache and can’t control the fire that’s burning everything he loves all around him. Astrid and Eodwulf--just as terrified, just as young--leave Caleb behind and turn to run, because they think it’s all they can do. That there’s no going back for him.

And Caleb only knows that he’s been used and thrown away, that he’s lost his family. And after everything, his friends and lovers--the only people that kept him going for this long, that he could find comfort in after all their mutual suffering and trauma--they’ve left him behind. When Trent comes back for him, locks him away in Vergesson and leaves him at the mercy of their torture and experiments, he’s all alone. 

Caleb sees his magic as nothing more than a well honed tool for death and destruction. When he finally broke through Trent’s hold and has that first panic attack at his burning home, Astrid tried to calm him. And it must hurt him so much to know that fire burned her too, that she and Wulf both eventually turned away. That by the time he came out of it, they were long gone, and he was left all alone. 

So of course Caleb can’t help but break down again the next time his fire consumes someone. It’s a decade later, and he burns a cultist in the mines after seeing Nott, the one and only person he’s come to trust, fall unconscious. When all those horrible memories come crashing back, when he sees the fire and he’s lost in his past again, he doesn’t account for anyone to run over and try to snap him out of it this time. And he certainly doesn’t expect it to be Mollymauk Tealeaf. 

Mollymauk is loud and abrasive by nature, and he gets in Caleb’s face until he comes back from it all and can finally see again. And it’s something Caleb probably didn’t even notice, but Molly made sure to douse those flames first. And even as the world around Caleb is still hazy, still too much, when he finally has the strength to speak--to try and say he’s okay, when he feels anything but--Molly gives him this big kiss on the forehead. 

As Mollymauk and Beau help Caleb back on his feet, as his whole family takes care of him, Molly keeps reassuring him all the while. “Caleb. Come on.” “There’s time for that later, remember?” “You all right there? You all right?” “You did good.” “Come on. Let’s go get some sunlight...” 

It’s easy to understand why this moment is the thing about Mollymauk that sticks with Caleb the most, that he keeps going back to when pleading with him in that final fight. “Please don’t give up. You can find your own life again. There will be time for that later.” Why that touch of tenderness, that memory of Molly running out to comfort him still lingered, even after all this time. “I lean down. Kiss him on the forehead where he kissed me a long time ago, and push the sweaty hair out of his face.” 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it was Caleb, someone who was abandoned when he was at his lowest, when he’d lost everything and knew only suffering--that’s the most insistent on bringing Molly back. That looks to the rest of the party and says they can’t leave anyone behind. “Why did we come this far, if not for this?...Why did we go so far and fight so hard? We would do this for any one of us.” It’s Caleb who says he only came this far just for this, just for him, for Mollymauk “We don’t leave people behind, and that’s the deal” Tealeaf. 

Caleb, who is so insistent that everyone he loves be given another chance, even if he can never fathom ever deserving that himself. It’s why he hopes his old friends and lovers at the academy can still be redeemed, even after they left him behind while he was rotting away in the sanatorium. It’s why he wants so badly to believe Essek could still be their ally, was so hurt by that sense of betrayal. 

When agonizing over what to do about Astrid and Wulf, Caleb admits, “I don’t know how redeemable or not my friends are. I don’t have a lot of faith that they are, but...I need to know. For sure.” And even though Caleb knew Mollymauk so briefly, he cares enough to harbor some faint hope, to talk about saving him in the very same way he talked about his dear friends and lovers. “Well, for those of us interested in trying to redeem our old friend, we certainly don’t have a method to do so at the moment. The thin hope would be that--[there’s] something about where we’re going…[but it] seems pretty thin…” 

And so Caleb goes into that final battle to save Molly, because he could never conceive of anything else. Because even if he himself could never have salvation--and he says so, when he digs up Mollymauk’s grave, says that it’s alright to risk desecrating something sacred with his bloodstained hands because, “I’m going to hell anyway”--he never gives up on Mollymauk. Even if it’s as much a hopeless dream as turning back time or seeing his parents again. Still, he tries, and he fights. Even though Lucien is literally the death of him, and Fjord and Essek both can’t understand why he’d take that risk. “Get him out of there.” “Get who out?” 

Years ago, Astrid got burned for trying to help Caleb. She and Eodwulf were absolutely terrified. So they ran. But Caleb, even after death, still looks to Molly and knows that he is worth saving, and hopes that it will be him. Knows that it will be him. “Empty no longer, Mr. Tealeaf.” Surely he must know something about that emptiness. About Mollymauk, who felt like “there was just nothing. I was practically catatonic; I was barely speaking.” Alone with no memories and desperately searching for some sense of identity.

It sounds all too similar to Caleb lying silently in that cell, lost in a fog that tore away everything, blocked out all his memories. How many times did he wish he could find his own life again as well, that there was some road back to the happiness he lost? “I believe in second starts, and that’s enough for me.” Caleb tries so desperately to save Molly and give him another chance because it’s the very thing he so terribly wants.

And I think about how Caleb was brainwashed and manipulated to interrogate and kill, to use his magic to bend someone else to the Cerberus Assembly’s will and make them talk. How all this time Caleb lived in fear of his fire, wanted so badly to make amends and protect his new family. After swearing to do whatever it took to serve a bloodstained empire, believing his purpose was to obey Trent’s orders without question--I remember that Caleb is finally able to find the strength to look Trent in the eye and say, “I think we are mostly just trying to leave the world better than we found it.” 

That’s what he feels in his heart is right, the purpose he wants to fulfill. Not sacrificing “mothers and fathers and children” to “serve as grist for the mill,” the horrific cycle of abuse Trent tried to condition him to continue. But just wanting to do a bit of good and leave the world better--just like Mollymauk. 

It’s so poetic then, that one of his most powerful displays of magic, a spell he poured his heart and soul into, was one of resurrection. A last desperate effort to save someone from his new family after being forced to destroy the only one he’d ever known. So much of Caleb’s self loathing is inexorably tied to the very nature of his power, to the fact that he was his parent’s little spark, so curious and passionate and enthralled by magic. And instead of pursuing knowledge for the simple love of it like he truly wanted, instead of seeing his fire as light and comfort and warmth, his magic is twisted into a horrifying weapon that still haunts him.

But it is when he draws forth all his power and will and pours it into Molly’s ritual that his heart is left lighter by how cathartic it all feels. Restoring life instead of taking it. Caleb thinking of “all the time and energy that went into making him able to destroy and tear down, and how good it feels to subvert that and turn it, and use it to build. And restore. And heal. And I begin to summon every ounce of learning and ability and skill and inspiration and imagination I have, and channel it into the stone. And fill it with the shared connection everyone here has, and try to summon our friend back from the beyond.” 

That’s the most stunning and beautiful display of Caleb’s magic in the entire series to me. Not even breaking through time feels as narratively satisfying as this moment where Caleb uses everything he’s learned from being with the Nein and pours his whole heart into reaching out for this one person they all loved and longed for. 

Mollymauk truly left Caleb better than he found him. And Caleb could never know it when he first met the Nein, but one day he would be ready to open up his heart and let people in again. He would have a family again. And he’d be able to finally use his magic to heal, to bring back someone he lost.

[dreamcatcherrs]

can u do streamers with a plus size reader? ty i love ur fics ♡

+ reminder! every body type is beautiful in its own way, and I’m sure that all of the mcyts would want to date a person of any size! hope you enjoy<3

++ I also added a couple of insecurities that are common for a lot of people cause I felt like it ^-^

dating a plus size reader; mcyt x reader

dream:

dream is an absolute softie for you

he will literally carry you anywhere you go

even if you insist for him not to

he just lifts you up into his arms and runs off with you

as I’ve mentioned before, he loves squishy places of the body

especially the booty ;)

so expect a lot of grabbing whenever he’s near you (with your consent, of course)

always tells you how amazing you look

even if you’re only wearing sweatpants and a basic tee and feel like absolute shit

and he would definitely have you pose for pictures of his merch

georgenotfound:

he loves resting his head on you

uses your chest as his personal pillow

he thinks it’s absolutely crazy how you’re able to make every outfit look good

like, you could wear a plastic bag and still look like a model to him

you two go out to eat fast food at the most random times

some days midnight, some days at 5am

admires your confidence

sapnap:

THIGHS THIGHS THIGHS

he loves your thighs sooo much and always has his hands (or eyes) on them

he almost holds your thigh more than your hand

and he just thinks you’re so gorgeous and can’t believe he can call you his

but when he finds out you don’t think so, his mind is blown

like... what?

are you blind????

he tells you how “you’re so fucking hot” every day until you start thinking so yourself

badboyhalo:

loves baking cakes with you

and makes sure you’re always well fed

he absolutely adores your stretch marks!

he loves just tracing his fingers over the lines

following them around with his fingertips

and gets very focused about it to a point where he stops listening to you talk

he makes sure you never feel down about something as natural as stretch marks

and makes sure to kiss every place you're insecure about

technoblade:

techno literally doesn't care what you look like

he only cares if you're happy, cause he really hates seeing you sad

especially when he can't do anything about it

so when he catches you one day looking at yourself in the mirror with a look of disgust 

his heart crumbles in his chest

sits you down to talk about it

and gets more touchy afterwards along with spurring out compliments more often

wilbur soot:

wilby is also a big sucker for thighs

he’s not super grabby, but he gets his point across;

that he absolutely loves every part of your body

to be honest, like techno, I see wilbur as someone who literally does not care what you look like

if he likes you, he’ll love the way you look either way

he is very appreciative of soft, fleshy parts of your body

that he can just cling onto when he wants

jschlatt:

fuck, does schlatt love to have you on his lap

like he might not come across as someone who’s cuddly

but I’m telling you

he is super cuddly

he just wants someone to hold and to be held by

he needs that physical touch and he just can't seem to keep his hands off of you

he’ll tell you “you look so stupid right now”, laugh, and then give you a big ol’ bear hug

jokes aside, he makes sure you know just how dizzyingly beautiful you look 24/7

corpse husband:

fishnets, legs, fishnets, legs

even if you don't like wearing fishnets, he’s just all; legs, grab, thighs, squish

no but seriously he loves your legs so much

they just catch his attention and immediately make him go soft

without you doing anything you’ll just hear him giggle at you

and then realise he’d been looking at you for a hot minute, just taking in how absolutely stunning you look

and he doesn't fail to let you know that :)

karl jacobs:

like wilbur, I think he just genuinely doesn't care and loves you regardless of what you look like

we all know that karl’s way of showing affection is through touch

so he loves cuddling up to you

using your chest as a pillow and engulfing you in his arms

and he’ll be whining within a second if you even a much as try to move away from him

something he doesn't realise he does, but you do, is that he will just randomly hold on tight to a certain part of your body

even if you're just talking

his hands will be on you without him even noticing

and it’s really cute

skeppy:

I’ve mentioned this before, but I think that skeppy really likes the way skirts look on you

or tight-fitting jeans

anything that compliments your body, really

though he does like the way you look without any clothes on

anyways, he fucking loves your body so much

and any person who thinks differently is not his friend

he’s always hugging you

or brushing his knuckles over your arms lovingly

small touches are his forté

fundy:

he can never seem to keep his eyes off of you

no matter how hard he tries, you’re just too gorgeous

isn’t the touchiest of the boys, but when he’s in the need for some physical touch, he’s very obvious about it

will start off by holding your hand

and then maybe move onto hugging you from behind

comes off pretty clingy once he needs that love and affection

he just loves touching you; maybe cause your skin is soft? he’ll never tell you (it’s his little secret)

quackity:

MMMME GUSTAAA

he looooooves loves loves  how, and I quote, “thicc you are”

and he gets so clingy, too

makes grabby hands at you if he needs to to catch your attention

and definitely, without a doubt, uses your chest as his personal pillow

he’s also a squisher

your thigh’s kinda become his little stress toy

alex will fully commit to being a complete simp for you - he does not care at this point

can get blushy sometimes when he catches himself looking at you for too long

punz:

if you thought that sapnap would be wild when it comes to thighs, let me introduce you to this man

luke is a massive sucker for some thick thighs

and don't even get me started on the flesh on your hips

he lowkey has an addiction to constantly keeping his hands on there, but it’s not like you mind

it’s like his hands are glued onto you sometimes

holding on tightly or gently, doesn't matter

and sometimes he’ll even get lost in the way his fingers dig into your skin

can't fathom the fact that you're all his

awesamdude:

sam is literally the cutest🥺

gives you compliments all the time

and literally always has a hand on you to gently caress your skin

and he is always gentle with his touches

and I mean always

drawing circles onto your back or arm using his thumb

placing small kisses on your temple

he always posts pictures of you on his instagram and twitter

has like one or two pictures of himself, and the rest are of you :]

slimecicle:

literally smothers you with love and affection

he loves the little dents in your thighs from cellulite

finds it sooo attractive

loves to trace his fingers over the dents

notices immediately if there are changes in your eating habits

and will confront you the second he notices cause he can't bare the thought of you eating less than usual

makes sure it never happens again

eret:

they have a special seat for you right on his lap

if you were comfortable with it she’d love for you to sit with them in his streams

SHOWERS you with compliments

constantly

and leaves trails of kisses everywhere

even if you whine about it being too much or distracting you

he ignores it and continues

can't believe she’s ended up with such a god/dess as you

jack manifold:

jack was completely shocked when he found out you were insecure about your body

what was there to be insecure about?

to his eyes you were completely perfect, and he just couldn’t understand how… you couldn’t see that?

makes sure you now how absolutely stunning you are

can't help but to show you off to everyone (he is a leo after all)

and also let’s his hands roam all over you - with your consent, of course!

adores you so much

tommy:

tommy had seriously never thought of it before you’d said that you didn’t want a piece of cake after he asked

and he goes; why?????

and you’re like; I shouldn't eat it

and he’s even more ???

doesn't know what why or when you decided you “shouldn't” do something as normal as eating

it’s so very obvious how soft he is for you when it’s just the two of you

and even succumbs to his soft side in front of others if he gets too caught up in your beauty

tubbo:

tubbo just… doesn't care

like, at all

but of course he notices the absolute beauty of you, and will simp for you

doesn't shower you with compliments, but gives subtle signs

a common one is squeezing your hand

or calling you cute or adorable

brushing a strand of hair out of your face

simplicity is his thing

ranboo:

lots of hugsss

unintentionally squeezes too hard so you have to tap his shoulder 

and he just giggles

he likes resting his head on practically any part of your body

cause you're so comfy

wants to constantly fondle you in his arms

he’s become so used to clinging to you, it’s just by instinct at this point

____________________________________

tag list✰

@zayenz @terribletoothbat @0t0n1n @0125cm @yukiuheh @shinee-is-5-forever @regularnoceur @b01nk-b0w@christhebish@nutritious-emo-crackkk@bookishreid@giavanna-707 @reddiesmcdonalds@cosmins@vixxzial@autumnpleaves@paradigmax@meaganjm@shiningsunrises@moralofwalls@username1212131@gxldentaestuff@innitdream @televisionpresent38 @bubblyanis@zurami @highoffhockey @popinjaytaylor@196os@livsbaby@doubts-of-gold@bunlina@retrav @mcyt-is-my-life@aleaisntcreative @my-shitpost-of-writing @my-shitpost-of-writing @clownsdrowning @pissbabywastaken@shiningsunrises @tie-dyed-dumbass @death-by-rats@simpfordraco @bippity-boppity-boopa@neongreendaydreams  @vibin-by-myself@littlepotatos0w0@christhebish @pipp-poppz@btsiguess-kpop@prettysmallfries@hiyoko-kos@kenmxskitten@fudrudy@weepingartanimespy@rhino-zucchini@goldenstarofthunderclan@melonmarz@ubeicecreamisthebest@polaroidinurroom @ady-yoo@isimpforeveryone@edenhollandd@ineedtogetoutofhere@glitter-night @hamilsandersfam@mothheart-witch @wrong-exit@trashcanfullofdork  @hellfirepheonixx @marshmallow-babe@isimpforeveryone @ky50621 @randomcloud@wormie4k@dinonuggies50  @p4rty-t4ttoos@aspenthegremlin@book-of-anarchy @jeyacore @thetattooink@gogywasfound@millavalntyne@junob1ade@ubeicecreamisthebest@karida @i-have-paws-love@drvgonraja@eatasslikegrass@creamofweep@venusomega@lunarfedora@rowe-n @wreny24 @vincent-stargogh @floatingplanets​ @vernon-dursley​ @childhoodgrunge​ @fivxss @hexagonclash​ @crazyjuls12​ @littlebabysandboxburritos @shifted-dreams@lenamarie666 @reinyrei @sozvuchiy @weaslvy-mxlfoy​ @aiofheavenandhell​ @honeyglaazed @carisle-mikealson​ @ineedtogetoutofhere​ @twist3dtinkerbell@cracraforfandoms@angel-dazey @leia-starly @smiithys​ @squiddyyyy​ @c0wc0ww​ @animeweeb019284​ @m00-bl00m-k0le @stqrs-thoughts @jenlouvre @uhhhguiltypleasures​ @trappedchest​ @punzrights​ @trashgremlin36​ @cyberrsoot​ @elebeleb​ @k3nn3dis-crap​ @karlshoodies​ @rascal-in-banishment​ @heartbroken-writer​ @bartok-the-magnificent​ @ihavenoideashelp​ @goldiefox1​ @bethybop​ @helluhru​ @venuzblr​ @pha5ed5tar50 @cscooop​  @bethybop @lunareclipse-13 @http-strawberryy 

[loving-villanelle]

So it really went from V trying to mimic a smile in s1e1 to her genuinely smiling and laughing with Eve in the last ep. It went from “I don’t feel anything, I’m just so bored” to her seeking therapy for feeling too much. It went from her using and hurting people to being so so soft and caring with Eve. It went from “you’re mine” to “I just want to smell her skin and hear about her day”. It was “I want normal stuff, someone to watch movies with” from the very start.

Villanelle’s arc was so painfully beautiful until those last minutes wiped it all away. She was so much more than a killer and a psycho. She deserved a chance with Eve to experience true love for the first time, after everything she’s been through, after everything that was built during those four seasons. “She showed her change by dying for Eve so that Eve could have a good life”. No, she didn’t die saving Eve, she died for nothing. She didn’t want to die, she didn’t choose to die. She wanted a life. “She was too big for this world”. No, she was perfect for this world. Darling Villanelle, it’s been a week and I still can’t believe your gone 😭

Villanelle's journey was so beautiful and meaningful, because like you said...it was clear from the beginning how badly she longed for normalcy and human connection. Eve was her avenue to that. She helped her tap into those parts of herself and she was never the same after. We saw her soften in general, not just towards Eve, but towards the world in general. She saw the beauty in things like a butterfly landing on her hand and was able to show mercy by sparing the life of people she thought she could trust (aka Carolyn's murdering ass). Eve said it best on the bridge when she said that Villanelle was "so many things". Yes, she had this monster inside of her, but as Eve said WE ALL DO. The difference is that most people could hide theirs, while Villanelle's had been nurtured and encouraged for her entire life. There is so much tragedy wrapped up in this, but most tragic of all is that Villanelle had been a victim her entire life, she had been used her entire life, she had no control her entire life, and JUST as we see her gain agency and break free of these chains, JUST as we see her fight for and win the opportunity to live her life on her own terms, JUST as we see her have a chance to be happy for the the first time in her whole life, she's shot and killed in the most barbaric way. She had no agency in it, no choice. She didn't decide to step in front of a bullet. She didn't go out in a blaze of glory. She died scared and scrambling in the water. She died not knowing if Eve was going to be okay. She died as the same thing she had been her entire life, a victim of her circumstances. She died having been used and abused up until the very end. They didn't even let she and Eve reach other. As though it wasn't enough to separate them for eternity, they couldn't even let them have one last moment together where they could acknowledge what was happening.

I can't believe she's gone either. It doesn't feel real and it shouldn't have happened. Not like this. To know that we could've had an ending with them on a couch eating pizza, or them doing a Thelma & Louise over a cliff. I will never understand how they decided this was the best possible conclusion. Of all the endings I fathomed, something like this never even made the list because it's just so ridiculous. Yet, somehow it's what we got. Living with that and without her is the hardest part

[hamliet]

Dabi’s Missing Heart

So I’ve been seeing two main responses to Dabi’s character as portrayed in BNHA 292, both of which I feel touch on a very surface understanding of his character and role in the story despite seeming like opposite takes.  

Take #1: 

Dabi is an unfeeling monster created to show the redeemability of Shigaraki and Enji in contrast with his true eeeevil villainy! He will never be redeemed! 

Take #2: 

Dabi is a sweet softy who did nothing wrong! He will never be redeemed because of this chapter which is so out-of-character! 

Note how they both have the same endpoint. I’m not actually gonna address the redemption question much because I can’t fathom what this panel foreshadows if not Touya’s salvation (alive): 

I’m not looking to debate this either; I’m just putting it here because I know it’ll come up if I don’t.

Instead, I wanna address Dabi’s character. He’s my favorite, and I’ve been asked a few different times whether I enjoy him as a villain or as an uwu poor baby, and my answer is always both. 

Dabi is a villain. This chapter’s rampage is, in my opinion, not remotely out of character for him. But neither is it the summation of his character, and he surely is not meant to make Enji look good by comparison. 

So, who is Dabi? 

Dabi is kind of a flaming jerk, and that’s why I like him. He’s an abuse victim who gets to be angry and crass and sharp. He pushes people away because he doesn’t want to open up to them and get burned (heh). He’s just like Shouto in that, except with a dose of murder. 

Believe it or not, this is a very realistic response to abuse, and very common too. It’s good to see that representation. If the writing was indeed just “he’s bad get rid of him,” well, that would of course be a terrible representation. But seeing a mean victim get redeemed? Now that’s some good sh*t I’m here for. 

If you want a sweethearted, misunderstood soft victim, there is one in MHA, and that’s Shigaraki. Dabi is not these things, but that does not mean he’s not a victim or that he’s somehow an unfeeling monster.

You see, Shigaraki is a heart character. Dabi’s the mind. (Heart and mind characters are a literary pattern that is utilized in literature across the globe; it’s not an eastern/western cultural thing. It has its roots in alchemy.) The problem is that you can’t have a heart without a mind nor a mind without a heart. If you lack one, you’re missing half the picture, and you won’t accomplish anything. 

We see this with Shigaraki in his quest to look for ideals, something to believe in, purpose to justify/enable acting on his feelings/emotions. 

Dabi, in contrast, has conviction and ideals, but eschews any kind of personal connection and care. 

So, both Shigaraki and Dabi struggle to unite heart and mind--but they need to do precisely this. 

It’s not a coincidence that Shigaraki expressly envisions both Dabi and Himiko when musing on what his purpose is. 

Yet Shigaraki is able to unite more easily with Himiko as opposed to Dabi because Himiko is also a heart character. She claims to be motivated by extreme empathy that warps around to become a lack thereof (wanting to be who she loves).

Shigaraki’s motivations are basically revenge for hero society not saving him--which encompasses both a deep internal and external (societal) need for empathy and a need for better ideals. Shigaraki needs Himiko and Dabi. They’re a trio, and all of them need each other to grow. But Himiko, being similarly driven expressly by emotions, is easier for Shigaraki to understand and work with. 

The irony is that Dabi is actually a very, very emotional character as well. But what he does (as is typical for a mind character) is repress them, compartmentalize, dissociate. He constantly pushes people away, yet admits privately, to himself, that he’s primarily (and paradoxically) motivated by family. This is emotional, yet Dabi claims he “overthought” and, according to other translations, “snapped” can be actually be read as “went crazy” as a result over overthinking (note: both are mind allusions). 

Dabi repressing who he is--Todoroki Touya--is symbolic of him repressing his emotional side, because again, family and emotions are tied together for his character. Now his identity is acknowledged, and Dabi claims to be losing his mind (again), claims that he can’t feel, and yet is completely consumed by emotions. Like, does anyone think he’s being methodical and calculating this chapter? 

It’s not just negative emotions (rage, hate) that drive Dabi in response to his family. His seeking belonging and emotional connection is present even in a chapter where he tries to murder two members of his family and laughs off the risk to the life of another. 

See, Dabi first asked Shouto to validate his pain:

But like, given the circumstances, of course Shouto doesn’t really respond well. How Shouto responds is this: 

Shouto’s words are triggering. And keep in mind I am not blaming Shouto: he’s in shock and he’s a kid. I’m merely trying to explain how it likely comes across to Dabi. 

You’re crazy. Your feelings don’t matter. You don’t really care about Natsuo! You’re a villain and that’s ALL you are. Not a brother or abuse survivor. Just a villain. 

So, uh, yeah, Dabi then retreats back to being unable to feel, dissociating as has always been his coping mechanism. But that’s not all: Dabi’s been repressing for so long that of course he’s gonna go a little insane in response to the dismissal of everything he’s trying to point out. Why wouldn’t he? His family dismissed his pain back then and now again, and so, without that heart, without those emotions, principle is all Dabi has. This has been present since long before Stain’s ideology came into his life: 

Now, he answers this question of existence through Stain’s ideology.  Purpose is all he has, and to him, Shouto and Best Jeanist are dismissing that too. Why are they dismissing it? Best Jeanist dismisses him for an ideal: the overall good of hero society. Shouto has a mixture of this ideal and also like, genuine shock and pain. 

Back to Dabi. Dabi’s summation of himself and his purpose is incorrect and harmful to himself and others. I’m not excusing him or justifying, just explaining. It’s a tragic reflection of what Endeavor raised both Touya and Shouto to be (and thereby ironic that BJ uses an ideal to dismiss him): 

Instead of being raised to be the symbol of hero society--as Endeavor intended--he exists to destroy it. The root is the same: Dabi assumes he exists for hero society, as a tool. He dehumanizes himself, hence why his quirk physically harms him (which also fits his almost religious zeal for Stain’s ideology). But it is not all Dabi is. He’s not a tool, he’s a person, but to acknowledge he’s a person involves acknowledging his heart/emotional desires, and that gets to my next point.

Dabi’s not a reliable narrator about himself. At all. I’ve written about Dabi and dissociation before. So let’s look at Dabi’s devotion to his ideals, the ideals he puts above people and claims he only cares about... because there are moments where Dabi goes against those ideals. 

For one example, Dabi’s gone against those ideals when he’s allowed his personal need for revenge (an emotional/heart motivation) to overcome his longterm plan. Like, he was fully about to get himself killed here, even though that would likely mean no one would know the corruption of the Todoroki family and hero society, just for the chance to prove to his father that he hurt him. 

In addition, I’ve talked before about how Dabi’s the only character in the entire damn manga to comment that maybe using child soldiers is not okay. While it’s not explicitly stated, it’s reasonable to conclude that Dabi considers the abuse of children in hero training a sin of hero society that ought to be purged (hence, part of his ideals). 

That said, I have also pointed out that Dabi has gone after children in the past when it benefits his mission (Bakugou would like a word). So let’s look at four examples of Dabi and his principles concerning kids--since, after all, he claims to be motivated by heroes who hurt kids. 

Firstly, Dabi’s “save the cat” when he spared Aoyama. 

Why did he spare Aoyama? We can only speculate, but it seems quite likely there are two reasons: 1) hurting Aoyama would not add anything to his overall goal of downing hero society, and 2) a terrified, cowering kid might just have been a teeny bit familiar to Dabi. Here, his ideals--destroying hero society--either take a backseat to a reflection of his personal pain (and)/or his ideal of not abusing kids directly contradicted his ideal of bringing down hero society. But the important part is that in this instance, Dabi chose mercy and the goal of bringing down hero society was jeopardized as a result. 

So then why did he attack Tokoyami, Nejire, and Shouto this arc? Well, Dabi does things he knows are wrong for the sake of accomplishing his overall purpose. He does things he knows hurt himself for this purpose. This isn’t new. If he can’t be acknowledged, can’t exist as a person with emotions, then he at least will ensure he still has a purpose.  

In addition, let’s look at what sets Dabi off in all of these instances. (Again, this isn’t me saying “well actually Dabi’s justified.” He’s not. I’m just pointing to what’s in the text to explain the machinations beyond “bad guy do bad.”)

Dabi tries to reason with Tokoyami, pointing out that Twice was doing essentially what Tokoyami is doing: trying to save his friend(s), but Tokoyami doesn’t listen (also again: not me saying Tokoyami should have listened--realistically, in this situation, it makes sense Tokoyami trusted his mentor!)

Only after his reasoning was rejected did Dabi go to flames mode. He could have just let Tokoyami save Hawks, but instead he really wanted to kill Hawks and that overrode his other principles. Was this just because of his furthering his goal--killing the #2 hero would help destroy hero society--or because of a sense of personal revenge for Twice? That’s open for interpretation (in my opinion, it’s likely a mixture, because again, it tends to intertwine more than Dabi likes to think it does). His principles and/or emotions are brushed aside, and Dabi Does Not Like That. 

Dabi does this again with Shouto this chapter, asking him where he stands on their family issues, and gets brushed aside, and then Shouto goes into his rage mode and Dabi responds. Again, not saying Shouto is rational here or that he should side with Dabi’s murderous plan, but like, his words really don’t come across well to Dabi. 

Dabi going after Shouto after explaining things, asking Shouto for help, and then having his pain dismissed is pretty much a repeat of Tokoyami. When Dabi’s pain is dismissed, he says fine, let’s aim for the highest principle possible: making Stain’s will a reality, and damn any emotional ties. 

Dabi’s obsession with ideals, you might say, is a smokescreen to cover his own pain. Far from feeling nothing, he feels very deeply. (I promise I’m getting to Nejire.) 

So what does this indicate? Well, that Dabi does have a heart and a conscience. But when he lets his heart act, when his heart reaches out, he gets burned. His heart jeopardizes his overall purpose, so he most often dissociates himself from it. But by pretending he doesn’t have a heart, he dehumanizes himself, and he projects that dehumanization onto others (see: seeing Shouto as an extension of Endeavor, when that’s actually the precise image Shouto is trying to shed). 

It’s not a coincidence that Shigaraki has been unconscious during the entire confrontation with Endeavor, nor is it a coincidence that Himiko has been MIA. But, Shigaraki wakes up a bit this chapter not only when hearing Dabi spout about how hero society needs to burn, an ideal/the thing Shigaraki lacks, and through a less important but still-ideal-driven character in Spinner asking him to accomplish his supposed ideal of destruction, but when Dabi saves Shigaraki and Spinner. 

Dabi doesn’t burn Nejire for lols (not that this makes it better because it doesn’t) or even for ideals. He burns her to save Shigaraki and Spinner, because they are his links to full humanity right now. 

(Again, this is also dissociation and projection: Endeavor did this! No, Dabi, you did. You’re perpetuating violence against kids rather than stopping it.)

But anyways, when Dabi calls upon heart, Shigaraki wakes. He lends Gigantomachia and thereby Dabi and the league power. 

Dabi can only grow and actually accomplish anything related to his ideals (fixing hero society) through accepting a heart--even though that will likely mean some painful surgery to shift his ideals to accommodate said heart, because pure ideals don’t leave much room for humanity. He needs to feel to actually change anything, because right now he’s just making things worse (hence, the need for saving and redemption).

I know the League aren’t the protagonists of the serIes, but their complaints aren’t exactly incorrect either (if anything they’re almost a little too valid). But through growing together, Dabi, Shigaraki, and Himiko might actually be able to accomplish something, and get themselves in a place where they can be reached and saved by Shouto, Deku, and Ochaco. Because to be saved, the kids will have to acknowledge the villains’ pain and complaints, and do something about it. 

[chrisevansluv]

Ive seen too much stuff in fandoms. The day that people learn they cannot over analyze the life of a famous person because the things you think you know either don’t exist or aren’t the way they seem and you’ll never fathom the amount of things you don’t know.

Chris is open and shares certain things with the public, yes but he still has a level of privacy. I’m sick and tired of living in a society where people assume if you don’t post something on social media it means you aren’t friends or you don’t care, the true is when people DON’T post or doesn’t follow is how I know who or what is genuinely important to them to the point they protect it.

People gave Lizzy hell for not posting condolences for Chadwick not realizing she was grieving a friend or a coworker. The black panther cast took WEEKS to post…..why because they were DEVASTATED. When you lose someone close you don’t run to social media to post unless it’s to announce it to the world so that you can grieve in peace, the world knew and his friends and family were hurting.

Chris posted because he chose to and I’m sure grieved. I’m sure the marvel fam had PRIVATE convos amongst each other. It has to suck to be famous at times because you have to make a statement to the world when the situation is none of the world’s business.

Chris reached out to Lakeith and no one knew until Lakeith shared, Imagine how much else were not aware of. ….why, because it’s none of our business.

I just cannot understand why people think it’s okay to nitpick others lives but would not want anyone to do the same to there’s. This whole celeb and “normie” bullshit, we’re all humans and trust when there is no more breath in any of our bodies, the fame, money, status, lack of status, etc isn’t going to be the things that matter in the end. People are wasting their lives and can’t even see it, just sad all the way around. Let these people who have gained a platform inspire you to do better in your life but understand they are humans too who lives are just public….make sure you don’t spend your valuable life and time so consumed with the life of another.

Stan culture is toxic and getting worse and honestly it’s not stans it’s humans in general. Chris seems like a great guy and if you choose to Stan anyone I think he’s a great option but remember that…..he’s just a guy. A guy who has a team a guy who is human, a guy who happened to become a famous actor, he’s not Prince Charming although he may have a bit of that in him. I think he has a great heart that seems rare regardless of the fame and notoriety.

I wish this man finds someone who loves him beyond the fame, money and crap and I hope he finds that balance of Hollywood and normalcy he seems to be seeking.

As far as fans please keep things in perspective, we don’t own celebs and what appears as one thing majority of the time is the opposite. Celebs are humans, the same humans you work with, are friends with, communicate with daily. Imagine a friend getting famous and you knowing what you know about your friend, you see people who would’ve previously ignored them, now fawning and screaming in the presence of them….you’d think these folks were insane…..think about it. The obsession of Chris’ or any other’s dating life, the ongoing discussions from a pictures, rumors, etc, the assumptions…..it’s ALL insane!!

Go live and enjoy your lives.

Happy Monday. 😎💙

.

[the-cult-of-russo]

Hi!! So i just read your billy headcanon about him and reader arguing and it was so good! I loved how thorough you were and i liked how the stages are so accurate to his personality! What do you think him and reader would argue about?

Once again, my brain is total chaos. It's my chaos and I understand it but trying to get it down for others to make sense of makes my head hurt lmao

First of all, I'm gonna do two sections. One for things that Billy would start a fight over, and one that you'd pick a fight over. Basically, things you do to upset him enough to cause a fight and then things he'd do that upset you enough to cause a fight.

If you haven't seen my other headcanon about how Billy acts during a fight, find it here. I reference his Stages of Rage in this so it'll make sense if you've read it.

Also remember this is my Billy.

-

Billy:

Billy can be impulsive and he has a temper. That being said, he's learnt really well over the years how to push it down. He's got good at stuffing his anger in a box and dealing with it another time somehow. Sometimes people wouldn't even know just how pissed he is. Yet with you, sometimes you do things that drive him to the brink of insanity and he finds it hard to deal with it.

The thing with Billy is, any negative emotion turns to anger. He doesn't know how to cope with it otherwise. And the things you'd do to cause him to fight with you don't actually make him genuinely angry. They've made him upset, hurt, or scared. All feelings he loathes to feel and they morph into anger instead.

The first thing that would cause him to fight with you is jealousy. Its not that he doesn't trust you because he does. He trusts you explicitly. But for all of his outward bravado and confidence, he has a lot of deep rooted self worth issues stemming from his childhood. Those disgusting feelings of not being good enough, of not being worthy of love or happiness, of not being wanted. All of those have been buried down inside of him yet you seem to bring them out kicking and screaming.

He's terrified of you leaving him. He finally has something special, worth every bit of pain he's suffered. He's finally found happiness. He feels like he's got to cling onto you desperately, fingers bloodied as he clutches you so hard like you might float away the second he let's up.

So when you and Billy are out with friends and you go up to the bar, he watches you with a dopey smile because he can't help it. But it gets wiped off his face the second some asshole approaches you. He knows it's ridiculous when the green eyed monster rears its head, he knows because although you smile at the man, it's tense. It's a polite but awkward smile as you shake your head and clearly tell him you're not interested.

Yet Billy's chest hurts. Because what if you see something in this man you don’t see in him? What if this guy is the one who steals you away from him? What if this is when you open your eyes and realise how worthless he is and you leave him?

He's aware his brain is being overdramatic yet he can't help the anger building inside of him. The defense mechanism of turning his pain and terror and sadness into something he can deal with.

And he doesn't want to cause a scene around all of your friends. So he goes the rest of the night being quiet and a little distant. You know somethings wrong and have a good idea what. But Billy suddenly feels miles away.

As soon as you get home, he let's it loose, unable not to. It sometimes starts with The Snark, passive aggressive comments about the man at the bar and how you should have gone home with him. 

But he gets angrier.

Because you don't get it. You tell him nothing happened and that he's being stupid but you don't fucking get the agonising fear that's crippling him because he's not good enough for you. So The Loudmouth stage begins because if he's wounded, he's gonna wound you right back.

But somewhere along the way you see through the anger. You see the pain in his glossy eyes, hear the tremor in his voice. Suddenly you hear everything he isn't saying. Instead of yelling at him that he's being dramatic or stupid, you switch tactics. You reassure him. You tell him he's the only one for you and you soothe his wounds by trying to get him to see that.

Although he still doesn't believe it, he likely never will, it does bring him back to earth. And of course he says sorry for the remarks he made but you know he was only lashing out because he was hurting.

-

The other thing that will get him to fight with you is also because of fear. If you put yourself in situations where you could possibly get hurt, even if it's something small like walking home in the dark, he flips his shit. He hates it, doesn't understand why you'd be so reckless. And while sometimes he's being overboard with it, too overprotective, he doesn't see it that way.

Billy's been through a lot, seen a lot of shit, done even more. He knows how dark this world gets. So if you ever put yourself in danger, even a small bit by being reckless, you're damn right he's gonna lash out at you. He goes through every stage of rage (except the last) if you try and defend your actions because he can't fathom the fact you aren't seeing his side with this. Why you won't let him just protect you. If he had his way, he'd put you in a bubble to keep you safe.

-

Other than that, there isn't much else you do that causes him to really fight with you. He's not petty. He's not the type to pick a fight over mundane stupid shit like you leaving your clothes all over the bedroom. Even if it does annoy him since he's such a neat freak.

Anything that you do that elicits those awful negative emotions are what gets to him.

-

You:

Billy's flirting is certainly a bone of contention. And while it doesn't happen often and it's never really serious since you two got together, sometimes it slips out of his mouth like it's second nature to him. Because it is. An example of this is at an event. He pays a flirty compliment to a senators daughter thats been eyeing him. He doesn't even know he's done it, doesn't seem phased until he sees your face. But he's at work, important business and schmoozing to do and he doesn't want you to cause a scene.

But waiting until you get home only annoys you more. It was an offhand comment and you know deep down he didn't mean it. But it still hurts you because he's with you. And you knew damn well if you did that to him he'd lose his shit. But you patiently wait until you get home, giving him the cold shoulder the whole way. And he knows what's coming. It's happened before.

But the thing with Billy is that he gets defensive if he feels backed into a corner. So when you whirl on him the second you get home, he pushes right back. He thinks you're blowing it way out of proportion and honestly, if you'd approached him calmly about it, he'd apologise right away and tell you he'd do better. But the fact you’re yelling at him has his back up so he can't seem to find it in himself to see it your way at all.

At first you don't tell him the real reason why it hurt you. You're just pissed. But as the argument unfolds you blurt out why it stung so much and his anger gets sucked right out of him. He watches you, devastation on his face as he realises you don't feel loved enough, that you think he'd go behind your back, that he'd find someone else. That notion is absurd to him, like he'd ever do such a thing when he has everything he ever wanted with you. But knowing he's hasn't shown you enough how much he cares wounds him deeply.

So he comforts you, promises he'll make it up up you and it won't happen again and he makes sure to make time to make you see just how much he loves you and only you.

-

Another thing that tends to get you upset at him is Anvil. Billy works a lot, too much most times. The amount of times he's coming home when you're already asleep or has to cancel plans with you starts to weigh on you. Building up until you explode about it.

But once again, Billy feels backed into a corner. Anvil is way more than just a company to him. It's a physical manifestation of how far he's come in life. It's proof that he's come all this way and he's done it all on his own. Anvil is like his baby.

And if it ever came down to picking Anvil or you, yes he'd pick you. But deep down he might end up resenting you for it. Because Anvil is an extention of him and his work makes up who he is. You knew this when you met him. It starts to feel like you're trying to change him and that gets right under his skin. Because if you want to change him, then you don't love him as he is. And that shit hurts.

He's already tried his best to placate you over Anvil. He works less, only staying late if its imperative he does and he tries his best to make time for you. He knows it's hard and he's away more than you'd like but he's fucking trying. So it feels like a smack in the face when you do this, like you can't see how much he's ready done to try and make a life where he can have both.

He works hard to keep the company the best it can be, he has to. But he also works hard for you. Because one day he wants to buy a big house and possibly fill it with children with you. He wants to show you the world and give you everything you've ever wanted. So it makes him feel unappreciated.

He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place every damn time this argument comes up because he doesn't know what else to do. He's trying his hardest to juggle Anvil and you and sometimes it feels like you're making it hard for him. He can't change who he is and if you can't handle it then it kills him. Because he knows if you can't deal with it then eventually you'll leave and he thinks he might just die if that happens.

These arguments get explosive because of all the emotions it makes him feel and sometimes you don't speak for days after. Both of you miserable as you miss the other. Deep down you know he's trying his best and you feel bad because you know how much these fights upset him. Eventually you apologise. You knew Anvil was his world before you met, knew how hard he worked. You don't want to change him and if you're honest with yourself, he's done a damn good job of making sure there's a place for you in his life. And maybe you never imagined you'd settle down with a workaholic, to miss them all the time, but it's worth it.

-

The last thing is how Billy's past seems to have a way of haunting you both. You were well aware of his nature before you met, he'd been pretty upfront about it. But sometimes it's hard when you're at an event with him and one of his past one night stands are there or you both run into one in the street.

This doesn't cause a full blown argument. If anything it's more one sided and Billy soon learns you've been taking tips from his Stages of Rage handbook when you use The Snark on him. You can't help it. The bitter jealousy that creeps in. But he doesn't fight back because for once he's a little ashamed of his past behaviour. He never wanted to settle down, didn't see the point. But that's because he hadn't met you yet. But now he sees your face everytime he's approached by a past lover and it hurts him. It makes him worry that you'll leave him one day.

So he accepts the anger and passive aggressive comments you throw at him because he feels like he deserves them. But his unwillingness to fight back has you sobering up pretty quickly. Because you know realistically it's not his fault and you can't hold his behaviour from before you even met over his head. It comes from insecurity and its not fair to lash out at him. And you hate how sad he seems when you do this to him. So you say sorry and make it up to him.

-

The last thing I'll touch on is his last Stage of Rage that mentioned in my other post. The Snowstorm. I said how this meant you'd done some really bad. Like maybe even break-up bad. This is where he turns off his emotions because you've hurt him that much. I wanted to give an example of what might cause him to do that.

The biggest one of course would be you cheating on him. It would be a knife right through his heart. He'd want to forgive you for the fact he loves you more than anything but betrayal isn't something he takes lightly. Couple that with him already having self worth issues and feeling not good enough for you and you have a very broken Billy on your hands.

Maybe in time he could move past it after some separation and a lot of thinking. But this would be the worst thing to happen to him.

[lemonluvgirl]

I love Katniss but sometimes she gets on my nerves she had Peeta Mellark. (PEETA MELLARK!) Angel of a boy want to cuddle and play with her hair and would risk his life for her and the rooftop date and didn't ever really expect reciprocated feelings no matter how hard it was for him and she just was like 👀 "I don't see anything like it's all an act like I don't feel the same" HELLO WHAT I wish my love life was hers like Im crushing on my ex guy friend I don't rlly speak to anymore it's BAD

Well, Peeta Mellark is the ultimate fictional boyfriend so yeah, while I was reading THG I had a lot of moments where I shook my head at Katniss when she passed up opportunities to explore or embrace her feelings for Peeta.

I am of the mindset that she felt differently for him/had a slight crush on him early on but struggled with admitting it to herself. Now I don't blame it all on Katniss. There were a lot of contributing factors to many of the misunderstandings that happened to hinder them forming a romantic relationship.

Namely, Peeta never talked to her before the Games. So...when you say she thought it was all an act that's because she had a legitimate reason to believe it was for most of the first book. They didn't know each other. Sure, she knew he was a nice guy, but they were forced to became tributes in The Hunger Games. Katniss figured all bets were off at that point, and they could never even be friends. Because they would have to kill each other or watch the other die in the arena. So she tried really hard not to get attached. (And Katniss is good at not getting attached. Like, she could teach a master class on the subject)

She operated with a survivor's mentality and she thought for sure that Peeta would abandon his nice guy persona in order to survive. Because that's what the Games did to people. Stripped them of their humanity and turned them into something they were not. It was a rare thing that Peeta had such a strong sense of self and high moral character and didn't succumb to the barbaric kill or be killed attitude when it came to Kantniss.

Also, Peeta declaring his love for her on national tv WAS BOTH a strategy to win the Games (for Katniss, but it ended up helping him too) and also a confession of his true feelings. It also scared the shit out of Katniss, because she was trying to prepare herself to go into a gladatorial death match and kill other kids her age, not get caught up in a teenage romance. Her mind was focused on coming home to her sister and mother, and handsome nice guy Peeta was acting all SUS around her. First being friendly, then wanting to train alone, then declaring feelings for her out of the blue, then allying with the careers, then betraying the careers to help her. 

Homeboy had Katniss going back and forth so many times he must have given her whiplash. Now, its easy to see how much he loved her from the perspective of the observer. Readers can look back and say how obvious it was that Peeta was being genuine. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. But Katniss couldn’t read Peeta’s mind. And for all this talk about how Peeta had a way with words he left out some important information and failed to have a lot of honest and blunt conversations. (And Katniss is someone who needs things spelled out very bluntly for her.) She is not good at figuring out people’s motives, she assumes everyone is like her and is operating on a need to survive 24/7. In the first book she can’t even fathom someone being motivated by romantic love or a noble cause. (Until Peeta gives her his I don’t want to become somehting I’m not speech) That’s why she missed all of Peeta’s signals. Because he was speaking a language she doesn’t understand. 

And that’s why their love story is so hard fought and hard won. Because Katniss has to learn, and basically teach herself to be emotionally vulnerable again after being subjected to so much tragedy and horror. I mean the girl fell in love in a span of two years in between two hunger games and a literal war. I think if their lives had been a little more stable, and if there hadn’t been so much pressure on them to perform and keep up the act, then Katniss would have worked out how she felt about Peeta a lot quicker. 

The good news is she eventually got it right. She loved Peeta back in a way that was healthy for both of them. And Peeta fell back in love with her too. I know sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge that the struggle had to happen the way it did for the end result to be worth it, but I think for the most part Peeta’s investment in Katniss paid off. 

Now, when I look at Katniss’ love life I don’t envy her at all. She had a lot of tough choices to make and she was put in a lot of difficult situations while she had to make them. I mean, you can’t have the kind of bond Katniss and Peeta have without the Hunger Games. Yes, they could have still fallen in love in an alternate universe but it would have been different. They would have been different people, and had a very different relationship. So, no. I really don’t think anybody should envy Katniss’ love life because it was a messed up dumpster fire. She went through so much turmoil and heartache, and not all of it was her fault, as I pointed out. 

Life is not always like books. And sometimes that’s a good thing. I think Peeta is awesome but I’m glad he’s a fictional character in a story because that also means the Hunger Games are fictional. The rest of us real people have opportunities to go out and find love on our own terms without the threat of being thrown into an arena and facing imminent death. Also a good thing. 

Everyday is a gift, and an opportunity. So, if you are considering a relationship with someone, do it on your own terms, and for the right reasons. Real love is messy even without the Hunger Games. But I hope you find that special someone who makes you as happy as Peeta makes Katniss. 

Good luck anon, and may the odds be ever in your favor. <3

[ellana-ravenwood]

The day he understood what Death means - Batfam x Fem!Reader

Synopsis : The youngest Wayne makes a shocking discovery...And will need his parents, siblings, and the one and only Alfred, to recover from it. /Drabble.

I don’t know. I was thinking about this. How when you’re a kid, realizing that one day you’ll die, but worst, that the people you love will die, is sort of traumatic...And wanted to write about it. So. Here we are, with little Thomas eh. I hope you will like it :) :

My masterlists blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives​

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If you have no idea who Thomas is, he appears in those stories (long story short he’s the youngest kiddo, biological of Batmom and Bruce) : The Great Mall adventure, Master of Diaper Shaky steps and bad teaching, Polichinelle, “Go away, you’re confusing my baby”, Wild Child 2, “We want them back”, How do you make babies ?“ and Mom got lost again”

                                                   ******

Realizing your loved ones are not immortal for the first time can be traumatic. 

Especially if they’re amazing, if they’re your heroes, if you admire them beyond all measure, if they love you unconditionally just like you love them so damn much, and if you can’t even imagine your life without seeing them every day.

If you can’t even fathom the fact that maybe, one day, they won’t be there when you wake up and go look for them. And that they will never be there again. 

And so it was particularly quite the shocking discovery for little Thomas Clark Wayne, 5 and a half years old, to find out about that certain thing called...”Death”. 

It happened on a moody, rainy Summer day. The weather outside was awful, even for Gotham City. And it meant that Thomas was calmly playing inside, rather than getting up to some shenanigans in the garden. 

His parents were home, it was one of those rare day they both had off. 

Which always filled little Tommy with joy. It wasn’t often he could get them both with him !! In the end, the fact it was rainy outside was good. It meant they’d probably all snuggle up later in the day, and watch a film, a mug of hot cocoa in their hands. 

You would probably throw a blanket over him, and keep him close, sandwiched between you and his dad. His father would fall asleep half-way through the film, which would annoy you and Damian. 

Damian would join for sure. Sitting next to you. Yes. He would. Maybe Tim too, if he wasn’t too busy with college ? Oh he would surely make the time to come. And Cass ? Yes. Yes Cass would be there, sitting in her usual spot, on the floor right in front of you (or maybe Tommy). Because she knew you’d gently run your hand through her hair, and your youngest son slowly took the habit to do the same. Which was so soothing to Cass...Duke would certainly be there, he never said no to a good movie. 

Maybe, because it was a rainy day, Dick and Jason would come too ? Unlikely, but Thomas could hope. He loved having his entire family in one spot. 

They’d ask him to do his “puppy eyes” and convince Alfred to join them too, and not work. 

Alfred had an armchair reserved just for him. Right next to the couch where Bruce would sit, leaving enough space for Ace to lay down (Damian’s dog, Titus, always preferred to be near his master, who would more often than not be sitting next to you, laying his head on your shoulder, even as he was not a child anymore...Yes, Titus sat next to Cass, at Damian’s feet, letting his head fall down in Cass’ laps). 

Ace...Ace didn’t feel well yesterday, and this morning, the “dog doctor” came. 

Thomas heard him say they needed to give him a...an “indection” or something ? (An injection, really) So he’d probably get better. Shots were supposed to get you better or to avoid you getting sick, that’s what you told him. 

His dad looked upset, but it didn’t alarm Thomas much. Because his dad was always upset when him or his siblings would get a shot, he hated going, so it was probably the same thing. 

Come to think of it, Thomas hadn’t seen Ace since the “vekerinarianan” (or whatever it was pronounced) came earlier in the day. 

He suddenly wanted some “doggle” (dog cuddles), and so he put down the toys he was playing with, and went to look for him. 

Maybe, he could also round up the rest of his family so they’d start movie time earlier ? 

Hyped to have some family time, as he considered his dogs family for sure, he went on the hunt to find Ace, and gather everyone else. 

If only. If only he had known...

************

“Aaaace !! Aaace ? Ace boy, where are you ?” 

This was odd. Usually, Ace would come running if he heard the little one’s voice. That dog loved children, and he made it his mission to protect all of them (bonus point if he had some snuggle, and a few treats, while doing it). 

Bruce told him long ago to protect his kids...So Ace was always there. 

Maybe he wanted to play hide and seek ? Thomas would play that game with Titus and Damian, Ace never seemed very interested, but maybe he changed his mind ? 

“Ace ? Aaaacceeee ?” 

The boy roamed the manor, but every room Ace would usually hang in were empty. 

Finally, he decided he’d ask his parents, who would usually hang out in...oh, they weren’t in their usual spot either. In their bedroom, maybe ? 

Thomas ran as fast as his little legs could carry him, sure that he would find Ace, and his parents, asleep in the master’s bedroom. When they had their day off, his mama and daddy would often take long naps together.  

Thomas immediately knew something was wrong when the door to the room was wide open. Slowly, he approached the place and...surely his parents were there. 

But something was off. 

His dad was laying in the bed, back to the door, his head laid in your lap. One of your hand was caressing his head soothingly, while the other was drawing calming circles on his back. 

Definitely something was not normal. You’d do that to your kids when they were sad, or sick...Was daddy sick ?! This gave Thomas a little fright. 

You whisper something into Bruce’s ears, and he doesn’t answer, just shaking his head to say “yes”. And so you stand up, after giving him a kiss on the cheek, and...You spot your youngest son. 

You smiled at him reassuringly, and go to him. 

“Hey little buddy. You should give a big hug to Daddy, he’s very sad today.” 

You say, walking past him and ruffling his hair. 

From the direction you were taking, you were going to the kitchen, and Thomas just instantly assumed you were going to brew some tea for his dad. When Bruce was sad, you’d always brew some tea for him, from his mother’s garden (which was kept up nice and clean by you and Alfred, now). 

Worried about his dad, Thomas slowly walked to him and climbed on the big bed. Bruce turned around to see what this new weight was, as he knew you had just left and...He smiled. 

Of this wide pure genuine smile he gave his family only. 

But there was a hint of sadness behind his eyes, and Thomas didn’t like that one bit. So the little boy crawled to his dad, and nestled next to him, wrapping his little arms around his dad’s neck and holding tightly. 

Bruce engulfed his son in his own arms, holding onto the little one, burrying his face in his hair. There was always something comforting, in the smell his kiddo had. It was a mix of your smell, which was always soothing to him, but also something more...Something soft and sweet. 

Just like his son. 

Little Thomas was the epitome of a sweet child. It was a miracle, a man like him made a child this cute and happy. Ah, but he wasn’t raising him alone of course. There was you, and his siblings, and Alfred... 

After a pause of the little boy holding his dad, he whispered slowly : 

“Daddy, why are you sad Daddy ? Please don’t be sad, it makes me sad too.”

Thomas unwrapped his arms from around his dad’s neck, and squished his little hands on Bruce’s cheeks. Which made Bruce sigh fondly, chuckling a little as he said, honestly (he shouldn’t hide this sort of things) : 

“Because Ace is gone.”  

There’s another silence, during which Thomas tries to understand why is the fact Ace went somewhere so sad. He cannot figure it out, so he asks : 

“But, he’ll come back daddy. Like always. Yes ? Ace is a good boy.” 

“Was.”

Bruce is clumsy in his grief. He always been. He’s not sure how to broach the subject to his son, how to explain to him their dog was just too old and sick to make it...He doesn’t know how to explain death to him. 

“Was ?” 

“Ace is gone for good.” 

“What do you mean Daddy ? Where did he go ? Why couldn’t we see him again ? Did he move out, like Dick ?” 

Oh. Oh the sweet innocence of a child that is maybe a little too sheltered by his family (he’s the youngest, the one they’re trying to keep away from the horror they see every day as much as they can...Although he’s still trained, all of them hope he will never become a Robin, or worst, a Batman). 

“Did he move out, like Dick ?” 

Sweet, sweet Thomas. Not able to even fathom that Ace is never coming back...and why would he ? How could he know what his father meant ? 

“No, no he didn't move out. He left us, to a place we can’t follow him to.” 

Another short pause. And you could see the gears in little Thomas’ head turning. After a little bit, he asks :

“...The toilets ?”

This makes his father chuckle, even in this sad times. But he continues : 

“No. Not the toilets. He...He went really far away, where we can’t ever see him again.” 

This idea is so foreign to your son, that he raises himself on one of his elbow and exclaims : 

“Why would he do that ? Does he not love us anymore ?” 

Obviously, the thought is distressing to the little bird. So Bruce says : 

“No no no, of course he still loves us...loved, us. But he had to go.”

“But why ?” 

“Because he was getting very old, and sick.”

“But we don't mind daddy, right ? We don’t mind ? He doesn't have to go away for that, I don’t care if he doesn’t play like he used to, I want him to stay ! Tell him daddy, call him on the phone to tell him to come back.” 

Bruce is lost. How ? How can he explains what death means ? He thought about this moment coming many times, but never told him anything as he thought that he had time to know what it meant. He had time...

How do you tell a child that one of his favorite “person” in the world is dead ?

“Unfortunately buddy, we have some sad news.”

His savior. You, as usual. With two cups of tea, and a cup of hot cocoa on a tray. As you went downstairs to get some “pick me up” for Bruce, you knew your son was gonna need it too. 

“What news mama ?” 

“Ace. He died today.” 

You actually thought about it as you were preparing everything for them. How to talk about this ? You decided to go with “honesty”. Not brutal honesty though. You weren’t about to traumatize your son. 

But you thought it was important he knew what happened to Ace. As a child, you hated how your brothers tried to make you think your ferret ran away to Las Vegas or something of the like. 

You understood this sentiment, of course. But you also remembered how betrayed you felt when you finally understood “death” and realized your beloved Mister Will Ferret was NOT in Sin City having fun, but just died...

The truth was important. 

Especially about such subjects. 

Children weren’t dumb. And they had every right to know certain truth.

Did you wish your son could stay innocent for longer ? Of course. But he still had a right to know what happened to his dog. To be treated like a person and be explained things. 

People, too often, treats children as some kind of idiots who wouldn’t comprehend complex things anyway, and who have to be protected at all cost from anything...

Kids were clever. You had a bunch of them to prove it so. But above that, although you agreed kids had to be protected...You weren't one of those person who thought you should lie to your children in order to do so. 

 Because one day, he’ll know what death is. He’ll know what happened to Ace. And what if the fact you lied that day, settles a slight distrust in him towards anything you’ll ever tell him ? Just like it did with you and your brothers ? 

No. You thought at first it was a good idea to delay such a conversation. But why ? Because it would make you more comfortable ? That didn’t sound very fair in regard of your boy.

Everyone always talked about “the birds and the bees” talk, but never about something that was even more inescapable than that...

Death. 

You give him a few seconds to take in your words. “Ace died today.” You wait for his reaction. He seems to think about it, having vaguely heard of “death” before...finally he asks : 

“What does it mean ?” 

He’s sitting up in the bed now. Bruce did the same, encircling his arms around his boy protectively (old habits die hard). But he’s determined to explain things to him too. You and Bruce were always rather in sync, about how you should raise your children. 

“It means he will no longer be with us. He passed away to something else.” 

“To what ?” 

“No one really knows.” 

“Will we see him again ?” 

“No.” 

“Why ?”

“Because he’s dead.” 

“And being dead means you can’t see anyone anymore ?”

“Being dead means you are not living on this Earth anymore, so yes, you cannot see them anymore.” 

“It means we can’t see him ? And what do you mean not on Earth ? Is he in Space ? Can we see him if we go to the watchtower ?” 

“I mean in our life, we will not see Ace again. He won’t be with us ever again. He’s not in space, he’s just gone.” 

“Because he’s dead ?” 

“Because he’s dead.” 

“So, being dead means we don’t get to see someone ever again ?” 

“Yes.” 

“Ever ever ?” 

You decide to leave any conversations about a possible after-life aside, as it’s clear this, he’s not quite old enough to comprehend. So you keep on talking about the truth, with the support of Bruce. 

“Yes. Ever ever.” 

It takes Thomas a few minutes to take in all those new informations. Bruce is sitting on the bed, legs crossed, behind the boy. And your son is clearly lost in deep thoughts...Up until finally, finally tears are starting to well up in his eyes. 

“But I didn’t even say goodbye !”

“Unfortunately, we don’t always get to say goodbye...” 

“But mama, how will he know I loved him so much if I didn’t even say goodbye before he left ? How could you let him go before I did ?”

“I’m sorry, if I could chose I would’ve-...He knew you loved him and-”

“Are you going to die too ?!”

The dreaded question. Dreadest of them all, really. But you can’t lie to him. Not now that you started to explain things. 

“Yes. Everyone dies one day.” 

“But but but...but I don’t want you to die ! And Daddy ?” 

Bruce nods, and...and that’s when it finally happens. 

The awful moments your sweet innocent boy realizes what death sort-of means. That one day, none of his parents will be in his life anymore. Than one day, he’ll lose his siblings, and Alfred. 

Just like he lost Ace. Because he was “old and sick”. But...Thomas knew a lot of sick people ! And a lot of old people ! Were they going to die too, without him being able to say goodbye ?!

And so the tears started to fall. And oh, oh did they fall. 

Bruce held his son against his heart, drawing soothing circles on his back, just like you usually do. And you came to sit next to them, encircling them in your arms as well. 

Thomas was trying to talk, but nothing came out very clearly as he cried, cried, cried and cried some more. 

When he finally calmed down, he was slowly falling asleep, crying drained him of all his energy. That night, there was no “movie time”, but comforting snuggles with his parents... 

Thomas had finally discover what “Death” meant.

************

“Oh my God Thomas !”

Bruce’s heart drops.

The entire scene goes in slow motion, and the fearless Batman can see his entire life flash in front of his eyes, as his tiny son is running towards him, while a few thugs were about to shoot automatic weapons at him...

“There’s a kid ! There’s a kid !”

“Who cares, we have the bat right at our mercy, just shoot !”

“I can’t shoot a kid...”

“Should we shoot ?”

The few seconds of surprise after Thomas bursted in allow Damian to swoop down, and to get rid of everyone. Slowly, a serious face on, your son walks to his dad and, solemnly, he says :

“This was too close, father. And...Thomas...”

“I know Damian, I know.”

Your little boy was inconsolable, clinging to his dad.

They didn’t even have to ask him how he got there. It was obvious he somehow snuck into the Batmobile (which wasn’t that much of a surprise, although it was already quite a feat...Thomas was small, but also very stealthy, as he was taught to be).

He was only five, and it wasn’t really clear to him yet his dad was that “Batman” everyone talked about, that his siblings were also vigilantes...But he knew that when they went out at night, they were often in danger.

And that night. That night right after the one Thomas learned what Death was...He snuck in the car, so he would make sure “she” would not take her dad away ! Or her brothers and sister !

Only Damian and Bruce were in the car, on patrol together. The rest of the kids were scattered across the city, and you were taking care of the bat computer (nowadays you were the one doing so to give some relief to Alfred).

Thomas took the habit to fall asleep in the cave, in a bed there just for him...and he must’ve snuck into the car. 

It was nobody’s fault. It was very unlike the boy, to do such a thing.

He got into the car. When Damian and his father got out of it to apprehend a few of Two-Face’s thug, he stayed behind, looking at what they did...but when he saw those men about to shoot his dad (a proper ambush), he jumped out, punching every buttons (which was quite dangerous itself) to find which one opened the door, and then he ran to his dad...

The surprised probably saved Bruce. But it also almost killed him with a heart attack. 

What if those men didn’t hesitate long enough for Damian to take care of them ? What if they shot anyway, ignoring the surprising appearance of a small child ? What if they had recognize who that kid was, too ? (Unlikely, this was a time where Thomas was still quite sheltered from media, as you tried to give him a childhood as normal as you all possibly could). 

What if they shot anyway...

Bruce doesn’t think he would’ve survived the death of his youngest son. He was sure, actually, that he would’ve killed those men. 

That is, if Damian didn’t do it first. 

But it didn’t happen. It didn’t happen, but it was so close. So close. 

Later, when everything calmed down, Thomas would explain he jumped in the car to “keep death away”, to protect his daddy and brother. To make sure Death wouldn’t take them. 

And that's when you all understood Ace’s death, and the discovery that everyone dies one day, one way or another, truly was “traumatic” for your baby. 

From that point on, you made sure that Thomas would be in the cave...but this event. This event really unfolded a problem you knew you’d have to tackle truly one day. 

You just had no idea yet how to help your son. 

************

Damian had told Jason the debacle that was yesterday. About his parents explaining to their little brother what it meant to be dead. And about how it lead to Thomas sneaking into the Batmobile and running in front of danger to “protect” his dad. 

Because of where he grew up, Damian always knew what death meant. And he never cared much (or convinced himself he never cared much). He understood from a very young age what all this shenanigans was...

Jason did too. He found his mother, dead, when he was three years old. He grew up surrounded by death, in the gutter of Gotham. He knew. He did. 

But Thomas. 

Thomas was a “normal” 5 years old boy, as normal you can be in such a family. He trained a little, and sort of knew about his dad being “Batman” (but it seemed he didn’t understand he was ACTUALLY the Batman people talked about in the city). 

He spend most of his nights in a little area made just for him, with a bed and such, in the batcave (he hated sleeping upstairs alone, so he would sleep in the batcave and you’d pick him up to bring him in  his bed once you’d go to bed, and/or once the rest of your family would get home). 

So for a little one like Thomas, who was pure and sweet and nice...It was a shock, to know one day he’d lose the people he loved. 

He was inconsolable, at Ace’s funerals (thrown at the back of the Manor).  

He couldn’t get over the fact he didn’t get to say goodbye, and that he would never play with his dog anymore. 

It made it worst, that Ace’s death made everyone else sad. That dog truly was a member of the family... 

“I know you're feeling very sad. I'm sad, too. We all loved Ace so much, and he oved us, too.”

You told him a few times, tryin to put words on his emotions and helping him understand...God, to Damian, you truly were the most amazing mother. Always knew what to say, how to say it, when to say it.  

But Thomas was still blue, and it was so unlike his usual bubbly personality. 

And so, both Damian and Jason made it their mission to distract their little brother, and...it worked. For the most part. It really worked. 

Amongst all his siblings, Damian and Jason were the ones that loved having a little brother the most. Not that the others didn’t, of course ! They just were a little less willing to play for hours on end with a little kid. 

They were rather busy. Jason and Damian always found ways...They were an unlikely pairs at first glance. Most people would think Damian was the closest to Dick, and Jason too. But no. They were equally as close to all their siblings, in different ways. 

But Damian and Jason, they had an extra connection. Jason was there, when Damian was a baby. He didn’t remember his own name, and was used by the Al’Ghuls after they resurrected him...But he was still one of the only person in Damian’s life that truly valued him. 

Fate, right ? A funny thing. After all, how small did the world have to be for two of Bruce’s sons to meet in such a way ? A hidden son, and one he thought dead, at that ?! 

In any case. They were closer than most would think. And they also were linked not only by the Al’Ghuls, but by how they were both ripped off of an actual childhood, and therefor wanted to make sure their little brother had one too (Cass was the same, but more subtle, and discreet). 

And so...

They played, made art pieces, jigsaw puzzles, watched his favorite movies, cooked...Anything to take his mind off of “Death”. 

That little boy would overthink too much, for such a young age. 

But overall, Damian and Jason did a good job distracting him from the pain. 

They did an amazing job. 

You were so proud of how they took care of their baby brother (and it would give yourself more time to go cheer up the “Oldest Wayne”, your dear husband, who definitely had a hard time getting over his dog’s death...). 

Only, there was one problem...And that problem was that neither Damian nor Jason, just like everyone else, were immortal. 

And this, this, Thomas would realize very soon. 

************

“More compresses, Master Tim !” 

“On it Al !” 

The loud noises woke Thomas up. You knew. You knew you should’ve gone up to bed earlier. Tuck him in, and wait for your family to come back. 

Ah. But when they all arrived in the cave, ALL of them, including Dick who did not live at the manor anymore...You knew there was a problem. 

And indeed. Jason had been badly hurt. Not something that couldn’t be fixed, but ah, once again, too damn close. 

Everyone was on the tail of a high profile serial killer, the newcomer called “Dr Pyg”, and...Collateral damage. It happened, in this line of work. 

It wasn’t easy. Especially when it was one of your baby. But you had to keep a leveled head, as you helped Alfred fix your boy. 

You had taken medical trainings early in in your relationship with Bruce. For obvious reasons. And there was rarely a day it didn’t come in handy. 

In any case, all the noises around woke Thomas up. 

Before. Before he knew what death truly meant, he would’ve been worried. He would've cried. He would’ve been distressed. Of course. 

And one of his siblings would’ve taken care of him, reassure him, soothe and console him, and little Thomas would be ok again. 

Before he knew what death truly meant. 

He was so small anyway, most of the time he’d forget things, or just not understand them...but he was five now. Close to the age of reason. And definitely aware of his surroundings enough now to pay attention, and remember things. 

And he knew what death truly meant. 

He clung to Jason for dear life, even as everyone reassured him he was actually ok. Jason himself was conscious, he had been badly hurt but nothing he hadn’t seen before. 

He needed some rest for sure, but it was fine, really. 

It wasn’t fine for Thomas. He yelled, threw the biggest tantrum he ever threw, yelled some more that they should stop. That he didn’t want them to die. That whatever they were doing...He begged them to stop. 

Never before in your life, had any of you witness Thomas being in such a state. He was inconsolable. You couldn’t calm him down, no matter what...

And once more, it’s only because of exhaustion that he finally relaxed. But yet, still in his sleep, he clung to Jason’s sleeve, as if afraid his brother would be gone when he’d wake up. 

It tore yours and Bruce’s heart apart, to see your baby like this. But to be honest...neither of you knew what to do...

************

“Where’s Damian mama ? Where is he ?” 

Thomas was truly panicked. 

The first day, he thought maybe his brother was busy with school and such. The second day, he started to worry. But now ? Three days in a row with Damian not at the dinner table ? Or in his room ? Or in the batcave ?! 

It made Thomas anxious. What happened to his brother ? Was he...was he...DID DEATH TAKE HIM AWAY ? 

“Where’s Dami mama ? Where is he ?!”  Thomas kept asking, crying. And it took you moment to finally realize what your son must’ve thought. When you did, you picked him up and calmed him down, explaining Damian was simply over at Jon’s for a few days... 

And from that day on, you’d make sure to tell him why anyone would be gone for any amount of time. 

That night, Bruce and you talked about what you could do to help Thomas get over his consuming fear of losing one of you. 

But nothing really came to your minds. 

And it was awful, to feel like a failure like that. 

Later on, your Damian would tell you you were NOT failing at parents because you were a little lost about this. After all, none of your other kids got into quite a crisis like this one. He said maybe considering a therapist could do ? But oh, oh Thomas was so little. 

And if words were out that Thomas Wayne, barely five years old, was seeing a therapist ? The scandals would be unending, and would it really help your son ? 

Damian joined in in the search for a way to soothe his baby brother. He never said “no” to cuddles from him, but lately...Lately, Thomas almost became overbearing, as he made sure he’d always sort of have his eyes on everyone. 

And it wasn’t healthy, for such a little boy to worry so much. 

Damian missed his carefree baby brother. He knew he had to eventually grow up, of course, and that he’d have some hardships but...he was just five and a half ! He wasn’t suppose to be so scared of death ! 

And so he thought, nights and days, of a way to soothe him. But just like you and Bruce, this matter was quite delicate...

************

It seemed like Cass was the only one able to truly console him, and make him relax. She would sing him songs, just like you did to her when she felt sad. 

She would tell him tales of Death as a good thing, inspiring herself from many legends from around the world. 

She would try to put perspective on everything, in a way you truly admired. 

She never spoke too much, your Cass...But when she did, every words were carefully chosen and crafted into truly beautiful things. 

And it would soothe your boy. 

But only as long as he was with Cass. And he couldn’t always be with her. 

You didn’t have her talent to tell those tales, and your singing was working only for a few moments to put him to sleep but...you couldn’t always have him sleep. You had to think of more viable options. 

Nonetheless, when Thomas was really too anxious, Cass would be there. 

Relieving everyone of their worry, as she could calm her baby brother in matter of seconds. In those  moments, you wished time could stop. You truly did...

************

Thomas would cling to you and his dad the most. His siblings were often out and about, but you two ? Well you took some time off to be with your youngest son, to be there for him in this odd times...

And you weren’t sure it was such a good idea, in the end. 

He would often just snuggle up to you or Bruce, listening to your heartbeats, which would calm him...You’d normally never say no to hugs from your children. But this was all starting to become so unhealthy for the little one. 

What could you do ? What could you do ?!

************

Duke was panicking. 

Thomas was doing fine today, and Duke felt like he royally fucked up. 

Thomas was worried about Duke, telling him to be careful and that his heart would break if Duke ever died...Which melted Duke’s heart. 

It made him feel so loved and accepted. And he wanted to help little Thomas so much...

That’s when he made a rookie mistake. 

After all, he was still quite new at this “big brother” thing. 

“There are things worst than death.” 

Is what he told him. What was he thinking ? Reflecting on things, Duke realized he didn't think it through. To him, it was a soothing way to say death wasn’t that bad. But...Ah, ah it made Thomas cry. 

“What ? What is worst than not seeing you guys ever again ?!”  

At that moment, Duke hadn’t realized quite yet how much he fucked up. So he said : “Well, my parents can't remember me, can’t remember who they are...They’re not dead, but they’re not here anymore. They’re physically here, but they don’t know me, they don’t know how to hug me, they can’t be my parents anymore...Yet they’re still alive.” 

The horrified look on Thomas’ face is what gave him a hint that this really wasn’t a good thing to say...

“No no no wait Thomas, don’t cry please, I was trying to tell you...Wait Thomas, please, no. Oooh buddy, buddy I’m so sorry.” 

It almost made Duke cry too, to witness the one he considered his little brother in such distress. He wasn’t trained for this ! He wasn’t trained for this !!!

This was the first time Duke truly felt like an older brother, truly felt like he understood this important role. He had to think before saying something. He had to protect his baby brother. He had to find ways to soothe him...

“Ok here we are, here we are everything is a-okay, you’re ok, things will be ok...” 

Duke picked Thomas up, and started to rock him back and forth slowly, just like his own mom did to him...He mixed the way his mom used to put him to sleep, with your soothing singing. With words he borrowed from you. 

“I’m here, I’m here. Don’t worry I’m here, I won’t go anywhere. Things will be ok baby boy, things will be ok. You’re gonna be ok. I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t mean any of it...” 

Duke had been living with you for a while now. He came to see all of you as his second family, even as his parents were still alive, and a constant chain holding him back at times...a chain that broke right at this moment. 

Thomas was his little brother. He truly was. 

And Duke was determined to be there for him. Especially after he made him cry. 

“It’s ok Tommy, cry all you want. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to cry.” 

You always told him that. It was ok to cry. To be angry. To want to break everything. To want his mom...

But you were his mom too now. You were. And you had such a way with words. Such a soothing touch. Even as he was grown up now, you always knew what to say. You always did. 

“You’re ok, right ? Yeaaaah you’re ok. See, things are fine, we chill, we chill.” 

Duke was slowly swaying from left to right, Thomas in his arm, slowly lulling him to sleep, calming him down. His voice seemed to have the same effect than yours...Because he was calm. And because he meant it.

The love. 

The love he had for this little boy. 

It poured out of him, easily, naturally. 

He loved that kid so much. And he wanted him to be ok. And it seemed like Thomas ? Thomas felt it. He felt the love. Just like Duke felt the love of all of you...

That little bean put himself in such a state at the mere thought of Duke dying, of one of his brother leaving...And Duke. Duke realized he felt the same. 

Couldn’t imagine any of them dying. 

And so he poured love in his every word, and swayed from side to side, calming Thomas, and making sure he knew...He knew that, he was right there. 

Right there. 

************

“You’re getting old, Alfred.” 

You said jokingly, as you beat him at chess. And oh. Oh what a mistake you just did. 

“Old ? I don’t want you to die Alfred, I don’t !” 

Thomas was playing next to you. You hadn’t thought about his “trauma” for a little while as he seemed to feel a little better lately...But oh, he plunged right back into it there. 

Because of you. You felt absolutely awful...

“I’ll fight Death for you Alfred ! I will ! I won’t let her take you !!” 

It took a while, as it became usual now, to calm him down. He was ready to throw hands with Death. Fierce that no one would take his “grandpa”. But he was still very scared and sad...

“I’m a terrible mother...”

You told Bruce that night. And he held you against him, consoling you, saying it wasn’t your fault and that it was just friendly banter with Alfred as usual...

“You are the literal opposite of a terrible mother, my love.”

“But Broosh, I made him- I-” 

You sniff, unable to control your sobs as you remember your poor little boy holding Alfred and yelling at Death she can’t take him. The poor butler himself didn’t even know how he could do anything to calm him down...

“We’ll find a solution my love, we’ll find a solution...” 

This entire night, Bruce stayed up although he was exhausted, so he could soothe you and take care of you. Skipping patrol (knowing though the city was safe with his children out). 

At some point during the night, Thomas came to your room. 

It was often, lately, that after a nightmare he’d come running to you. His nightmares would often be about losing you...

You had finally fallen asleep, in your husband’s arms, and Bruce gestured to your boy to not make too much noice. 

Sweet little Thomas acquiesced, and slowly came to the bed, taking the hand his father gave him. 

Bruce was about to fall asleep too, knowing you had finally found sleep...But now, he wasn’t going to. Not until he made sure his son was asleep as well. 

All he could do for now, was being there for you two. Try to soothe you as best her could. As best he could...

Sleep was restless and full of nightmares. 

************

Dick would try to often visit his parents and siblings. As much as he could, which wasn’t always easy, with his work in Bludhäven. But nothing is more sacred than family...He realized that over the years.

During those moments, it would be rather normal for Thomas to go settle in his oldest brother’s laps. He would make the most of seeing him.

So today, as Dick was in the kitchen trying to make himself a cup of coffee, it was no surprise when little Tommy came to see him.

You had bought a new espresso machine, and Dick had no idea how it worked...Slowly, his littlest brother came in, dragged a chair next to him, and used it to climb on the counter.

He then started to make Dick’s cup of coffee, without much of a word being exchanged. Dick smiled widely, his little bro was so cute and clever. In no time, he had make a great cup of coffee for him.

But...Something seemed to bother him. Tommy was an exuberant child when around his family, but he had been quiet right there. He didn’t jump in his brother’s arms like he usually does, and he wasn’t telling him all about what he missed since last time he came in !

Was it still this all thing about being worried about death ? 

“Are you ok little wing ?”

Ever since Jason, “Little Wing” or “Bird” became the common denomination for his younger siblings. A term of endearment that they all (secretly or not) loved.

Tommy seemed to think a little, while raising his arms, signifying he wanted Dick to pick him up.

Dick did, of course, and they went to sit at the kitchen counter, and as usual, Tommy settled down on Dick’s laps. He turned around and, after another short pause (Dick always knew when to stay silent, and wait for the other person to speak first) said :

“Dickie, are mom and dad not your mom and dad ?” 

“Mm ?” 

“Your real mom and dad, they died ? You can’t see them no more now ?”

There was a lump in Dick’s throat. Not because he thought about his parents no. He actually came to peace with their death long ago now. And though he missed them every day, it didn’t hurt as much as it used to. 

He was lucky to find another loving family...From which that little worried kiddo in front of him was an important part of. 

“Yes, I can’t see them anymore.”

“It hurts ?” 

“It used to. Now less. I miss them, but I wasn’t alone.”

“Because you have our mom and dad ?”

“Yes.” 

Dick ruffles his hair fondly. 

“Do you wish you’d still have your real mom and dad ?”

“Mom and dad ARE my real parents too. I was lucky enough to find new ones. Not everyone is as lucky, like dad. He was alone for a long time” 

“What about Alfred ?” 

“It took dad a while to realize that Alfred was a second father to him” 

“So...Will you be my second dad if dad goes ?” 

Dick feels another lump in his throat. Bigger this time. 

He couldn’t even imagine the day he’ll lose this “second dad”, this one he had now called “dad” for longer even than his own biological father...Dick was 8, when he came into yours and Bruce’s life. 

He spend more  years with you two than with his “real” parents. You never replaced them, no. You just..became his parents too. 

He would never forget his biological parents. But he would never diminish the impact his adoptive one had. The love you and Bruce gave him. 

Would he be good enough to be Thomas “second dad” ? After all, he currently had about the age Bruce had when he adopted him...

But Dick couldn’t imagine losing Bruce too. Losing another father. No. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. 

Thomas was already moving on, asking more questions : 

“Will I find another mom and dad too if mom and dad die ? Or will I be alone like dad ? Will I have Alfred forever ?”

“I-I don’t know buddy.”

“What if I lose all of you at the same time ? I will be all alone then.” 

“You won’t.”

“But what if I do ?” 

“I’ll always be there.” 

“You can’t know that, can you ?” 

“Maybe, but this will never happen. You will never be alone.” 

“You really think so ?”

“I Do. And I promise little wing, I promise...You won’t lose all of us. You won’t.” 

Dick held his brother even tighter against him, and missed the unconvinced expression on Thomas’ face. 

************

Your youngest son was still utterly terrified of losing any of you. But his terrible fit would pass now, he would calm down more easily, and wouldn’t cry until exhaustion...But it didn’t mean he wasn't afraid anymore. 

Unfortunately. 

“Death” was still a constant on his mind. One of the biggest question. Without much answers. 

His mother and father said no one knew what happened after “death”, but Thomas wasn’t convinced. So he went to the only one he knew would tell him the truth, and was most likely to know...Tim.

His older brother was currently in the garden, studying for his finals. But oh he’d take a break for his little brother, of course. 

Especially lately, as said little brother was overly worried and needed constant reassurance. 

“Hi Timmy.” 

“Hey little one.” 

“Bothering you ?”

“You are not bothering me, never.” 

“Can I ask you a question then ?”

“Of course.” 

“What happens when we die ?” 

Oof. 

OOOOF. 

Not something Tim could say he expected to be asked. Even as he knew Thomas was sort of obsessed with this lately. And ah...Ah he started to get lost into physiological effects of death, into science, into things Thomas could definitely not understand...

And into things he didn’t care about. 

Thomas had no interest in knowing what happens to the corporeal side of things. To our bodies. He wanted to know where “we” went. Where the being went. The conscience. 

Of course he wouldn’t word it that way, but it was easy to understand that it was what he meant when he said : “where do we go when we die ?”. 

After a long time of Tim getting lost in many complex explanations about decomposition (what the Hell Tim ?), he finally stopped as he saw that Thomas was most definitely lost.  

“Where do we go after we die ?” 

“Yes. What happens ? You must know, you know everything !” 

The faith his littlest brother put in him made him feel warm inside but...unfortunately on this subject he had to disappoint him. 

“I..I don’t know about this, actually.” 

Thomas looked crestfallen. Was nothing sacred anymore ?? Death existed, and the one he thought would always have a solution to everything didn’t know something that important !! 

“There’s many theories.” 

“What’s a theories ?”

“One theory, multiple theories. A theory is...an idea of how things might work.” 

“What are the theory ?” 

“Theories, plural.” 

“What are the theories ?” 

“Well. Some people think that you go into some kind of afterlife. It depends the culture, and the religion, and...many other factors. But there’s usually a few places we can end up.” 

“And we’ll see the people who died there ? We’ll see them again ?” 

“Supposedly so.” 

“Is it sure ?”

“No, it’s just a theory.” 

“You said a theory is an idea of how things might work.” 

“An idea that might not be proven.” 

“What’s the point then ?” 

“Theorizing.” 

“I don’t understand...”

Of course he didn’t, he was a smart little boy...But still just five. Tim sat down to his level, and looked at him in the eyes : 

“Well. You have to understand that um...No one knows what happens after death. So we have to make theories, things that might or might not be. You understand ?” 

“No.” 

“Well, since we don’t know, we make things up. But maybe those things are right. Maybe they aren’t.” 

“So the answer is we don't know ?” 

“Yes. But there are theories ?” 

“Ok. So aside from the place we see others again, what are the theories ?” 

“Well (...)” 

Tim was a patient boy. For hours and hours, he tried to explain every single “theory” people might’ve had about what happens after Death. And Thomas listened carefully. 

Finally, Tim was done, and his brother said : 

“So...No one really knows, and there’s a lot of theory...ies. Theories.” 

“Basically.” 

Thomas looked so discouraged. Tim was very well aware that none of what he told him really helped his brother, or reassured him...But ah. Tim was known to not lie. Which was a good thing. And he couldn’t possibly have a free conscience if he had told his brother just one theory of the after life, the nicest one, just to reassure him. 

Of course, he wanted to reassure him. To distract him. But he would do so another way. Lying to him was not it. 

Still, it was so disheartening to see this sweet little boy so crestfallen. 

“Um, Well...I guess some people know.”

Thomas looked up at his brother, hopeful, waiting for him to continue. 

“Like Constantine. But um, he’s sort of crazy. And dad doesn't want him around the house for...reasons you’ll understand when you’ll grow up. And-”

Ah but Thomas wasn’t listening to Tim anymore, and his monologue as to why maybe John Constantine wasn’t such a reliable source.   

“Constantine” huh ? Interesting. Ah. Sometimes, Tim forgot how smart his little brother truly was...for a five years old. And how he took after his father, when it came to memory and attention to details. 

************

This constant worry went on for quite just a few days. A few very eventful days, that were so...exhausting. Thomas was constantly scared for your lives, and would cry if anyone got hurt too much. 

He would follow you around, and be way too stressed for such a little bean. 

Everyone came to hide their injuries from him, tried to distract him from what they were doing when out as the Bats...But it was becoming a real problem. 

How ? How could they make a little five years old understand that he couldn’t forever be afraid of death ? It was impossible. None of you, not even you, had the right words. There were no right words anyway. 

You could tell him whatever you wanted, it’d never make him stop thinking about Death taking one of you with her, taking one of you far away from him. 

“A place he cannot follow you to.” 

How ? How could you help ?!

But the change had to come from within him, you would soon realize. 

About a week after Ace’s death, and a truly painful few days of everyone being lost and unable to help the baby of the family... he suddenly spoke up, at dinner time : 

“Mama, mama, if one day you die, I will bring you back. I promise. Same for daddy, and Dick, and Jason, and Cass, and Tim, and Duke, and Damian, and Alfred. I don’t know if we can bring dogs back, but humans yes ? And worst case scenario, I’ll conjure your spirit so I can say goodbye, and then I’ll know we’ll see each others again !”

“Wh-What ?” 

“Stunned” doesn’t quite cover how you felt at your son’s sudden tirade, at dinner that night. Everyone was here, a rare occasion. Your one dinner a months that was mandatory for all your kids ! To make sure you’d all have moments together. 

And boom. Came this monologue out of nowhere, from your small little five and a half years old son. 

Stunned. Not a strong word enough to describe you, or your other children. 

But Bruce. Oh Bruce. Bruce was frowning. Narrowing his eyes in a way you knew perfectly well...It meant he was angry at someone. 

“Who told you all this, son ?” 

“Mister Constantine.”

A growl. A scary growl. From deep within your husband’s throat. You would NOT want to be John next time he’d see 

“How did you talk to him ?” 

“I used your phone.” 

“I don’t have his number on my...Wait, the bat phone ?!” 

“Yes. The one you call uncle Clark on !”

“What the-...how did you-ugh ?!” 

There were so many questions. So many. 

“I copied what you do, on the phone. And I asked it if it could call the Constantine.” 

“The Constantine”, this better not be a stupid way he called himself in front of his son, Bruce thought. Ah, and curse the fact he kept having kids that were too damn smart for their own good ! 

Kids this days. Growing up with technology. Able to work a batphobe at age 5 and a half !! 

“Hope I helped little man - John Constantine”, said the note that came to the manor a few days later. Which made Bruce fume with rage, but Thomas beam happily. 

Bruce was already planning to go after John, and force him to say what he told his son. But...But...

To be honest. Whatever he said. You didn’t care. You knew, more than anyone else, that “Death” wasn’t as definitive as it sounded at times. And you knew for certain there was something after you died. What ? You couldn’t be sure. But something. Another place. Or maybe reincarnation ? Who knew. 

Deep in your heart though, you knew that no matter what, if you ever were to die...You’d see your family again. You weren’t sure how or where. It was just a certainty in your heart. A gut feeling. 

Yes. You didn’t care what John told your son. If it could help him accept that everyone will die one day. Didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid of losing you anymore. Oh no. But at least...At least he knew worrying about it lead nowhere. And to truly enjoy the moments of the present. 

Whatever John said, it helped your son. That’s all that mattered. And as Thomas would grow up, you knew he’d understand things more and more. 

He already knew he was luckier than many people. He had a loving family. They were all there with him for now (minus Ace, whom he missed every day). A lot of people couldn’t say the same thing. 

Death was an odd thing. Especially in the World you lived in. 

It wasn’t as definitive as some would say.

Your family knew that more than anyone else.  

Death was an odd thing, that wasn’t always the ultimate end...

This, one day, Thomas would truly understand. 

The end 

__________________________________________________

And here we are :). Just a quick thing again, my bigger story (fake boyfriend trope with Bruce hehe) is coming soon. But in the mean time, felt compelled to write about this. I hope you enjoyed reading it, and liked it ? Not my best work :/, another quick drabble written very late at night eh. But nonetheless, fun to write ? Hope it’s not a disappointment, it’s just a thing to make ya wait for a more elaborate thing that I took a lot of care writing. Anyway it’s 4 am, time for bed :).

If you did, don’t hesitate to leave a little feedback or/and to reblog :). If you didn’t as well really, it’s always good to know what’s not good so I can improve (just stay civil please). 

PS : Bonus point if you get where I’m trying to arrive at with those last few words about how definitive death is :p.