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saltocean · 2 years ago

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does anyone even go here anymore

hello to anyone who reads this

though i don’t think anyone will because most of who i follow and who follows me has once again abandoned this site sadly...

just ten years ago when i was a spunky 11 year old pretending to be 13 on this site, thinking it was any older and any more wise, trying to make friends and i used to actually put myself out here with a personality on this site??

i’ve been thinking a lot (not typically a good thing) and i have a lot to say that i simply could not write down because i handwrite very slow but that i wanted to put out into the world

almost like to say (hey! i did say that, look at the date on that post!)

but then on every other platform i have i get too scared because i’m like oh that’s too cringe

but i thought if i go here i can’t really complain because 1. probably no one is 2. i feel like i would be judged a lot less if i post here than anywhere else though ironically i stopped going on this site because i felt like it was too much to manage having an aesthetic up (how the heck did i make my theme like that and have blogrolls and stuff?? sometimes i really despise myself for accidentally deleting it the first time around by accident)

here it goes

the rant of a 21 year old who knew more of what she wanted as a ~tween~ than what she has at reach now

it honestly isn’t that interesting but sometimes it’s just the feeling of reading someone’s diary that could be so full of potential, so this is it:

i hate the way i live right now. it feels so mind-numbingly miserable and i feel like it’s very much not how life is meant to be lived. i only have bursts of moments where i feel excited to live the next day but for now i’m just doing what i’m supposed to because life has just gone this way for me. i’m taking classes i really don’t care about just because it has to be done and over with and because i dedicated the last 4 years of my precious early adulthood to it, though i don’t remember most of the time.

i hate that i spent being 18-20 thinking i was incredibly old and passionless and done for when i know if i knew what i did now i would’ve started sooner and perhaps felt maybe less like hopeless for my future. i don’t even know if i what i like right now is genuinely what i like because at 17 i thought that s*ciol*gy was the thing for me and i so incredibly regret it now. i see people younger than me accomplishing so much and i feel so behind and regretful of things i never capitalized on that i could’ve.

i know that social media is an incredibly deceptively harmless poison, but it’s the tool that has ironically kept me optimistic through presentation. i know not everyone who posts their gloriously peaceful lives genuinely are without flaw or stress, but i miss sunlight a lot. it’s so depressing to go to a class i have no interest in while the sky is only ever grey or rainy. i often think about how 17 year old me would wake up at 6:30am to go to school five days a week in my first term of university, and i know that’s because it was so similar to the life i led in high school. but now, i whine and complain about going once a week to a class where the prof is so kind and understanding and does his best to make sure everything is straightforward. my other two classes are creative writing and easily are my favourite any other term of my academic career. but i still feel miserable and i hate complaining because it could be so much worse. it’s genuinely not that bad but it feels like every second that i become aware of what my current routine is, i can’t seem to fathom how bleak things look.

some people my age have their lives planned and already know what they want to do a year from now. i get it, we’re 21 and we’re supposed to graduate this year. but besides my graduation being a year delayed, i know nothing at all and nothing that i would even want to do. my post-grad options don’t look too good and i can’t imagine giving the rest of my life to any of those lifestyles of research and data entry.

when i think about summer, i remember how the sun came into my living room wall at golden hour and the way i could leave my balcony door open. kids were still playing outside, and at the time, it was a privilege that me, also a kid, would spend all my time watching TV instead of doing extracurriculars or something similar. i think about how as a teen, it meant super late nights at 1 am with the blinds up and a midnight sky seemingly an endless dark black hole until you open the window and you can hear as much life outside as in. it’s watching white butterflies in my backyard while my mom puts up laundry to dry in the june sun right as i get home from school and realizing i still have time to nap before dinner.

this is the only thing i am holding on to for now because without it i have no motivation to get out of bed. i feel like life is that perfect moment there of me in that summer moment remembering it as just a heated summer and nothing more and how perfect it was to be 15 years old training back at 10 pm after meeting my idol at the time. i wish that my life could be more of that again rather than thinking everyday how unhappy i am and simultaneously being paranoid that it could be worse. but i know life can be so much more even if it’s so much simpler because i had days by the water on the dock, just admiring the sunset change. i know that’s what life is and what it can be instead of this.

i feel regretful constantly putting myself on autopilot mode to try to drive away the stressors i have and get through the period that i find rough, and i wish that i could wake up everyday more excited for the next because i know it’s exhilarating and new. i hated doing this in year 1 when i was 18 and yet i’ve been 20 and doing it at 21 wasting my life just praying the time away because i’m so stressed. i’m selfishly and stupidly envious and jealous of the 17-20 year olds who recognize that they want to appreciate their age and that i couldn’t do the same and that i’m probably doing the same now. it feels like i’m permanently stuck from who i was in march 2020 and i’m scared i’ll never grow to be better than i was then and become happier to a point where me then would be shocked or jealous of where i am now.

idk i feel insane omg

as usual i also had more to say and better things to say to explain what i did write, but i forgot it in the middle of typing !

minor things i’ll happily complain about

- they took away 21 by dean on instagram by the time i turned 21 so i couldn’t add it to my ig story on my birthday lol

- two of my bedsheets shrank because i think they were supposed to be air dried but ? ? ??

- i can’t hang my clothes to dry outside because there’s new housing units that block the natural light to my backyard now lul

- my favourite pho place by my house is gone :( the owner was so nice i never got to say thank u and goodbye bc it went down for renovation over the new year and then suddenly just was announced a new restaurant would take its place like ok.

but i also hope that once this period of grey unknowing passes, or even during the cloud of uncertainty, i can find the same sort of summer moments all year around to bring that same light and warmth and i hope i find my passions and am doing something that makes me happy a year from now idk

idk can be good now

(cue the “the scary news is ur on ur own now . the cool news is ur on ur own now!” that’s the type of energy i sense from idk what i’m doing with my life but it also opens me up to a lot so i hope i can find something for me) :]

also it’s like kinda dumb but like i’ve been following these daily diary tiktok accounts and like people who started their own youtube channel even with like a couple viewers and it made me want to do it because i don’t have much going on in my life ngl but sometimes i have stuff to say and i’m like well might as well make cute lil videos out of it bc sometimes i feel like it’s pretty like the day it snowed really hard and stuff and when i wanna do these rants idk

i also have that youtube channel i made in grade 12 for the titanic game but i never posted after the app got discontinued and now i wanna post game stuff on it bc i still have some subscribers on that that i would hope would want to watch me play stuff even just for funsies idk cus i’m like well . what if they’re mean or what if they don’t like it but i grew up watching let’s play youtubers and i was never mean and i was like what if they all unsubscribe bc they signed up for titanic game / mobile app game stuff not this horror pc game stuff but . at this point they’ve been subscribed to a dead channel since 2019 and others did unsub (me pretending like it doesn’t hurt my ego that i saw it peak at 51 and now it’s like 45 or something even though i know i haven’t posted in forever lol) but like .. also those girlies on tiktok who posted their daily vlogs were like. “do it! do what u want to, start that channel or business you’ve been thinking of” and i’m like so true!! ok i will!! what’s the harm !! it’s just my vods anyways right !!

idk!!!!

end rant gahhhhh!!!!

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saltocean · 5 years ago

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no one will read this

i only come back here every like 6 months for some odd reason and this time it’s to look at storyscape fanart because i’m sad about the app shutting down...

i’ll also never forgive myself for accidentally deleting my original tumblr account from 2009 with all the posts i had as a kid and all my friends on there n the drama in my inbox.... all because i was jamming too hard to an austin mahone song lol

#storyscape

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saltocean · 5 years ago

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