#i gained 10lbs when my sister was here for a month and some and i was SO stressed but it sits really nicely on my body so— not much to

[rowanwolf]

I shall have to rewrite my rant about the African golden wolf suddenly getting all this attention and funding for conservation seven years ago when it was discovered that they are, in fact, genetically wolves and not a subspecies of golden jackal. It has much to do with the whole issue of only some nature being seen as worth protecting. But that's best saved for a time when I'm less tired.

On a completely different note, it's almost the end of November and I've gained about three pounds this month! Woo! That's fantastic! Honestly I think that might be entirely to do with Thanksgiving and having a desk job, but I don't care. Three pounds is three pounds.

I have not been chronicling this here, so most folks are probably unaware of the situation, but I've been trying for months now to gain weight. Or at the very least, stop losing weight. Since last March, I have lost roughly 35lbs. This has been entirely unintentional. It's been attributable to a whole host of factors, but I am now below the bottom end of the healthy weight range for my sister, who is five inches shorter than me. And despite the fact that I've been trying to stop and reverse that process since at least last July... Yeah, this has not been great.

I've dealt with this once before. However, that was purely medication side effects. I also only lost 30lbs and started off 10lbs heavier than I did this time around. So my lowest point this time around was actually 15lbs lighter than my lowest point last time. Without bending or twisting, I can see clearly defined: my shoulder blades, my collar bones, my shoulder sockets, my sternum, every single one of my ribs, all the bones in my hands and wrists.... I'm a mess. It's contributing to a worsening of some of my other rather serious medical conditions and is causing a great deal of fatigue.

So hey, I'll take 3lbs. 3lb is great. It's a good starting point. I need to gain back at least 17lbs, but 3lbs is a good start. And it's even progress! At this point I'd be happy with just stopping the weight loss. But actually gaining weight is great!

[sweet-apples-and-cinnamon]

Mt Fuji, The Conqueror Virtual Challenge, and Recovering from a Gastrocnemius Tear

Before Christmas, my sister and I signed up for The Conqueror Mt Fuji virtual challenge. Over the last few months, we slowly knocked out the 74km distance. I finished my challenge last week and I’m super chuffed about it for a few reasons. 

Back in 2016 - only a few entries ago because I haven’t been using this Tumblr much - I tore my gastrocnemius muscle. The years in-between have been really tough on my fitness. Summer 2017 saw me completing a geology mapping project where I could walk as little as 5km in a day to as much as 25km, all on a barely healed leg and a newly-sprained foot. In subsequent years, I’d go snowshoeing or do something equally strenuous and I’d tear my muscle again, leaving me struggling to walk for weeks until it healed again. I tried running but a 20 minute interval run also tore my muscle and I had to dial it back to 10 minutes total. Honestly, I was in so much despair thinking I’d never be able to hike or run again.

I’ve got quite chubby over the years due to my work in mining. I couldn’t cook at all because everything is provided by the mining camps. Miners seem to like fatty fried foods so I’d gain weight in the month at camp and then lose 5-10lb in the two weeks at home. Working out was impossible because of luggage limits for helicopter flights preventing me from bringing equipment, working in -55C temperatures preventing outdoors exercise, and physically demanding 12+ hour shifts that left me drained. My good work during my two weeks at home was never enough and my weight slowly climbed. When I finished that job, I completed the first three weeks of Joe Wick’s 90 Day Plan but that was cut short with an international move back to the UK and a major life change.

This last year I was doing an MBA and was often out of the house between 7.15am to 9.30pm so a lot of the food was grabbed on the go. I tried so hard with meal prep on Sundays but the stress levels with long class hours, hours of readings and essays, and networking sessions with employers got too much. I actually managed to maintain my weight for a lot of the MBA but the situation with covid and being housebound saw a bit more weight gain.

So the challenge represented a huge effort to try to get back into fitness. My leg was agony for the first month during runs. My calf muscle would be a tight ball and it would pull on the shin muscles and I’d lose control of my foot. Eventually, and with some prolonged weeks off for injury recovery, it improved. My final run of the challenge was 8.2km of intervals with 2 minutes of running and 2 minutes of walking. I still have to be careful with my leg and not push too hard. It also really hates the smallest of uphill inclines and sideways cambers. But back in December, I wasn’t sure if I’d finish the challenge and now here I am looking back having succeeded. 

And it feels good to finally succeed at a fitness-related goal, just like I used to. 

Did I lose weight? No, which is weird. I’m going to be following up with my doctor in the next few weeks, covid allowing. My sister said I appear slimmer around my hips so perhaps I’m just recomping, though my clothes feel tighter than ever. I started Joe Wicks’ 90 Day Plan again today so we’ll see how the next three months go.

I thought the Old Me was dead but no, she’s in there somewhere trying to get out.

[sarahunfiltered-blog1]

My Diet/Fitness/Nutrition Journey Thus Far

Most of the memories I have of life growing up revolve mostly around food. I remember growing up and all we’d eat was Sonic, Dairy Queen, Whataburger, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Wendy’s, you name it, I ate it. I could still to this day probably tell you my order from each place. I was raised on Hamburger Helper, Ramen noodles, Rice a Roni, canned and boxed everything, candy and soda. 

I remember when I was around maaaaaybe 12-13 and my mom doing a diet that may have been slim quick or something along the lines of you eat chicken and veggies, take these pills and do some sort of workout. I had a really bad sweet tooth (still do) as a kid and I started to gain weight and at 13 I was 165lbs, so my mom included me into her diet routine and I would eat the chicken and veggies, rice cakes, a tbsp of coconut oil and would chew sugar gum and we’d walk between the stop signs on the street we lived on and I’d do her workouts with her. I remember watching my brothers and sisters eating candy while I ate my caramel rice cakes because I was the bigger one of all of them, so for the longest time I was just the fat tomboy of a girl that would stare at herself in the mirror and look at how big my butt was at 13 and hating it and my stomach to stuck out and my fat face. I remember I used to grab my stomach and cry and scream about how much I hated it. If only I were skinny I’d be enough. I would sneak and binge on sweets, it was my comfort, it was there for me and it made me feel better

When I got my period and more of my hormones kicked in I lost a lot of weight. I want to say I got down to 125 when I was around 14-15 and I wouldn’t eat because I was extremely depressed. My sweet tooth was still there, but I wouldn’t eat because I thought eating would make me fat, so I wouldn’t and when I did it was minimal. I ate a lot of 100 calorie snacks, drank juice like V8 because I thought it was healthy, diet coke because it was diet and wouldn’t make me fat. When I was 16 I started working at Target and they have a Pizza Hut Cafe and almost every shift I would go pick up there bread sticks and a diet Pepsi and that would be my lunch (the thought of that now literally makes me cringe). I went to a bible college from 17-almost 18 and ate Ramen noodles and whatever shit food they served while I was there, but I didn’t know any different so I just ate it. I was still pretty skinny because ya know I was 15-17 and you can eat like shit and still be a twig.

When I turned 18 and moved out of my parents house my diet didn’t suuuuper change. I was still living a hardcore Taco Bell and Pizza Hut bread sticks and diet coke life style because I was living on my own, broke as a joke and ate the food I was used to eating, but then I gained probably 30lbs easily within a short amount of time (surprise surprise). I had spent my whole time as a teenager not wanting to be the fat kid and here I was back at 165lbs... wtf. I didn’t really know how to cook, didn’t have money for groceries, refused to apply for food stamps, so I just thought starting to workout would cure all my problems. Well, it didn’t long story short. I mean why didn’t working out and running for an hour THEN going eat Taco Bell work? I was working out, right? HA.

I remember scrolling Pinterest when I discovered it and finding the “Military Diet” and giving that a go. You basically don’t eat anything for 3 days and could apparently lose 10lbs. I wanted to DIE during that diet. I made it the first time around and lost 5lbs, then gave it another go and didn’t make it 2 days and stopped by Taco Bell on my way home from work and binged on that. So my diet search continued... One of my coworkers at the time started using My Fitness Pal to track her calories and she was losing weight like crazy, so I obviously I needed to give it a go and the weight just started falling fall. I went from 165lbs to 125lbs within a matter a months. I didn’t work out, I just ate less than 1,500 calories a day, cold turkey stopped eating candy, drinking soft drinks and unfortunately my Pizza Hut bread sticks. Everything was going GREAT. When I wanted to go down to the next lbs and I was 0.2 from it I would pop a few laxatives the night before and then would weight myself the next morning after shitting my brains out, but I HAD to lose that 0.2lbs.. just had to. I became overly obsessed with counting calories and eating lean cuisines and and 100 calories snacks and drinking Naked juice and weighing myself DAILY and measuring every single little thing I ate and would legit cry if I went over my calories. Funny, not so funny story. One weekend I was headed to my mom’s and had already eaten all of my calories for the day, but was staaaaaaaarving, so I stopped by Jimmy John’s and ate a sandwich that was 800ish calories, which put me 800ish calories over what I was “allowed” to eat, so you bet your ass I drug all of my brother and sisters and mom to a walking trail and walked/ran until I burned off the entire sandwich because I wouldn’t sleep peaceful knowing what I did by eating that sandwich. It was bad, just so bad. I remember the day I hit a breaking point and just wanted some damn chocolate chop cookies, but didn’t have the calories saved for it, but I binged on them anyways and cried in Michael’s arms over what I did and he was telling me it was fiiiiiiine and all the sweet things he could, but it wasn’t to me in that moment, but in that moment I just knew I needed to stop all of this, so I did. I feel like I remember just deleting the app off my phone and being done with it. I was 20 at this point and working a standing job.

Beginning in February of 2014 I started a corporate sitting job, so I didn’t have access to Starbucks or a grocery store on my breaks like I did working at Target, so I had to start bringing my lunches and snacks and to top it all off I was sitting. As you could maybe imagine I started gaining weight from being stagnant and snacking ALL day at my desk (#teamnutrigrain). I put on a good 20lbs within the first couple of months. So I started going for walks on my breaks, eating a lean cuisine a day, eating more fresh fruits and veggies, almonds, and limited my snacking to only in the afternoons and that kind of helped and worked for me for a long time and I stayed at a healthy maybe 140ish lbs and that worked for me because I was still skinny. All about that skinny life because skinny = healthy, right? Well, I thought so. 

I turned 21 and didn’t go crrazzzyy drinking, but I drank moscato and margarita’s often enough and still was all about my Friday candy binge. I was also drinking up to 3 cups of coffee a day at work and just couldn’t figure out why I was sweating and so anxious all the time. I genuinely thought it was from work when in reality I was just pumping myself with coffee after coffee after coffee day in and day out (I’ve learned since my lesson since then). I went through a phase of HIIT workout and running, but that faded really quick, but I really enjoyed hiking when I gave it a go, still do. Along with yoga which I am planning to make a goal of starting a practice in 2018. 

Around the time I turned 22-23 my older sister, Meghann, had a baby and really educated herself around living a more holistic lifestyle and it really intrigued me and around that time I had discovered podcasts and I realized how much processed foods aren’t the best choice and what I could do as an alternative way of going about eating, so I stopped lean cuisine’s (haven’t had one since), milk and yogurt along with limiting candy and processed snacks. I completely cleaned my desk out at work from all the sugar filled granola bars and whatever else I had in there and started to work with that. I shortly thereafter learned about one of the best ways of going about what to eat/not eat is if it didn’t come from the earth and/or has a label on it to think twice before eating it and READ the back of the label if you do. This is still newer-ish to me to do and I’m currently learning about all things nutrition, and how the mind, body and spirit all work together and you can’t have one fully without the other.

 As of now I don’t drink dairy milk, I limit cheese but still love it, I grocery shop once a week and buy as much organic produce as possible, I am still working on the meat switch when it comes to buying organic meat (not quite there yet), I cold turkey stopped eating candy and have found organic, non high fructose corn syrup filled alternatives when I have a sweet tooth, I haven’t been drinking alcohol much the last 2 months or so (don’t have a legit reasoning behind it, just doesn’t sound good), I am really into cooking paleo, vegan, Whole30 friendly foods because it coincides with my eating from the earth method I live by and when I want Whataburger breakfast on a Friday or a taco with a flour tortilla or a real homemade chocolate chip cookie I happily will eat it because I do not believe in living a restricted lifestyle. My entire life leading up to recently whether it was mentally, spiritually or physically has been restricted and I’m not OK with it because it’s limiting and keeps me in a box. I’m a believer in the energy you put into something is negative the outcome will be negative, so if I’m to sit here and say “this is cookie is SO bad for me. OMG. I am going to gain 10lbs.” Well, I’m asking for it to happen, versus eating the cookie cause I want the damn cookie and loving every bit. They doesn’t mean I sit there and eat 12, it just means my mindset around food was so terrible for so long and I know what it did to me mentally that is not worth it for me to be negative about it. I am content and happy with where I am out now, I don’t even care to weigh myself anymore, I don’t body shame myself anymore, I don’t calorie count, I don’t binge, I don’t use food as a reward system, I just educate myself around it, listen to my body and see how it feels and go from there. My anxiety has lessened, I sleep so much better, I feel so peaceful inside and out, and my skin has completely cleared up (I’ll talk about my skincare routine future post).  It’s been a long, ongoing journey, but I am thankful for the million and 2 podcasts I’ve listened to, my sister and everyone else along the way to get me to where I am today and I am excited to continue to learn and grow and now have a place to share all the info I am taking in and it maybe help someone else. :)

- Sarah xo

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Judge and Jury

Pardon my absence, it feels like life has been moving at such a fast pace that I haven’t even had a second to sit down and write even though there is so much happening around me that I could leave me writing for days, but I am in one of those Wife, Mom, Boss kinda moods lately where I think I can juggle the world – when in reality the balls are flying all over the place and the 16 I think I am juggling right now have simply become 16 new balls that I didn’t even realize were being thrown in the mix.  (Pardon my many ball references, if your anything like me you giggled at least once when you read the word balls, everytime lol)

So here I am, about 36 things going on in my head and all I can think about is (a glass of wine) and how I have let the last 6 weeks go by without even realizing it - I have become complacent with how things have been because I have been scared- I have done absolutely nothing to get me where I want to be in my career!  With that being said- I have mastered the art of homecooked meals, and healthy lunches…Colton has been on time for school now about 95% of the time and I have been able to give myself at least an hour everyday to make sure my own needs are being met and let me tell you, that’s a really hard thing to do when you have 36 things going on and the kind of anxiety I do about never feeling good enough - It can really prevent me from being able to just let go – it also prevents me from being about to maintain those relationships with people that I so desperately want to fix but am just to exhausted from pretending to be the version of myself that they all used to know and right now to a lot of people I am just this girl who is obsessed with the gym and taking selfies for attention on social media or so I have heard!

I read this quote the other day:

It has me really thinking about how quickly people can change, or maybe our change is so subtle and takes so much time that people don’t even notice.  Truth is, I am not sure when I changed, I can tell you why, but I can’t pinpoint exactly when I started to pull back and after a while time just kind of blurred together and before I knew it the things that used to make me happy no longer gave me any joy.  

I asked my therapist (and yes, I totally admit that I have started therapy) if there was something wrong with me that the only thing lately that has made me “happy” is the gym? The routine of it- the atmosphere, the people? She told me it was quite the opposite that considering what I have been through with the fitness industry, she felt it was a positive thing and seeing it from her point of view it makes sense- there is a overwhelming feeling of power you have when you gain control over your body, over the way you view it, the way it moves, the way it feel and looks in your clothes- every girl has felt it -  am I not right…

Mama’s who just had their babies and finally fit back into their pre-pregnancy jeans or the girl who wants to loose 10lbs for summer ends up buying a new Bikini to rock on the beach….that feeling fucking amazing and we are ALL guilty of it, but some of us just show it a little different, if you follow me on social media then you know I embrace the curves, I promote a healthy body image, body confidence, every shape and every size but because of that and the content I post it comes with judgement- (which I am learning to care less for) I have actually been told by someone that “not everyone cares to see my face everyday”  - Okay, true- not everyone does BUT some of the content I do post does Inspire and motivate and educate people in a way they are not able to do for themselves– I used social media when I started out in the fitness industry too to gain my own inspiration and motivation and even now when I need Zumba inspiration Social Media is exactly where I turn.  

I am going to confess, I am addicted to that feeling, that proud, in charge of my own life,  accomplished and healthy feeling that I have going on lately and I think every girl should experience it- every girl should want to show off their bodies in a natural way (tasteful) and I’m not saying show the cheeks and rack up the likes, I am saying that posting a photo that you feel confident and sexy in gives you power and presents a sense of confidence about yourself that studies have proven to be an attractive and appealing trait in someone- a trait that could potentially get you that promotion, out of a speeding ticket, through a presentation and it even allows you live a happier life because you simply see yourself in a different light, you don’t need to seek validation from anyone else - but here is the problem with social shaming, it can create doubt and can take someone right off track with their health and wellness leaving them feeling shame and afraid to be themselves because not everyone is accepting of their lifestyle – whatever their lifestyle may be…  and I think if we allowed ourselves to be the judge of who we are, then we should also be confident enough to be the jury.  Imagine a world where there was less self doubt, think about how our children will grow up.  My 15 year old nephew is questioning right now whether or not he made the right decision, it put him in a terrible position with his friends but from an integrity stand point – from being a decent human being stand point he made the right choice to warn a friend that he was going to get hurt by some of the kids he thought were his friends- I wrote a blog a few weeks back that was titled “The world needs more kids like Noah” – Ironic right now because it couldn’t be more true- and in the blog I wrote about how I envy that kid for knowing exactly who he is at 15 -then I did even at 25 and I just hope that he doesn’t allow what happened to change him, that he doesn’t allow the other kids in his class to be both judge and jury for a decision that he made- I hope he keeps his power and remains humble and confident in who he is. But, being the topic of rumours whether its high school drama, work gossip, social media bullying (shaming) or even a brief disagreement within your friends can be scary to face and without even realizing it you’re in fight or flight mode and you aren’t sure what you’re next step is- or worse know who you can trust and for Noah,  his next steps at 15 are going to be the deciding factor on how he views high school for the next 3 years, believe me – I lived it!  

Have you ever experienced something that has changed you and left you wondering why it happened- but deep down you know you’ll never that get that answer and so you’re left just kind of putting the puzzle together without having the picture on the front of the box for guidance- gawd, it can be so frustrating - its like a man who doesn’t stop and ask for directions – you’ll get there eventually but you’re going to make a few wrong turns first before you do (lol) – I have so many questions that I am never going to get answers to and for months I’ve been working on this puzzle that I’ve found myself racking my brain over, trying to piece together when, where, why, how – and I failed to realize that finishing this puzzle isn’t going to make me happy, or make me any more whole- if anything, it’s probably one of those 1000 piece jigsaws where one piece is missing.. and it’s just going to piss me off even more when I put it all together and realize a freaking piece is missing.  I think it’s time I clear the board- realistically none of this is in my hands anymore and there is no more control over what happens next and the best thing I can do right now rather then ask questions (that I know I will never get the answer to) is to live the best damn life possible without the worry of what any one thinks- being less afraid to be that wild and reckless girl to step on toes.

I want to be BOLD and unapologetically myself, not just tell everyone else to be authentic and raw and then fade into the background so afraid to be myself- worried that big brother and sister are watching- but guess what eyes have been on me for a long time now and I can confidently say that I was not born to be anything less then simply amazing and the best thing I can do right now is invest in myself.  I’ve been asking the wrong questions this whole time,  I should have been asking myself “what I needed” to be ok – I told my therapist that I felt like I was on this hamster wheel that was just going around and around and around and I couldn’t find a way to stop and get off – She asked me what I felt the first step would be to at least slow it down and honestly I couldn’t answer her question – besides taking the step to see her I am clueless on what do to get off this stupid wheel.  

Isn’t that a scary thought though, think about it, there are books on taxes for dummies, computers for dummies, numbers for dummies, gardening for dummies but no “life for dummies”…And no where in school was I taught to life, And I am scared for my future considering that I don’t even know how I am supposed to feel right now– damned if you do and damned if you don’t –Look at Noah.

Either way any decision you make has a consequence whether it effects you or someone else in the decision making process and unlike playing Sims when I was 15 there is no “back” button …there is no “Undo” – all I can do is live my best possible life- even with the 36 other balls I am juggling-I have said it before you can’t pour from an empty cup-you can’t live a happy and fulfilled life if you can’t accept who you are as a whole, if you aren’t comfortable in your own skin and doing things that are loyal to you, confident in the decisions you make - so find a way to make one of those 36 balls your tossing around, you – live your life, make your mistakes and don’t let anyone take you off your path – because if you allow someone else to be your judge and jury you will forever live your life the way they want you too- Quietly.

[titaniumsuperwoman16-blog]

Let’s Begin

So this past year, I don’t want to say that I let myself go, but I definitely started just eating whatever and whenever I wanted. And it shows. I’ve put on over 20lbs. And while I know I’m not fat, I just don’t feel attractive anymore. So I’ve decided to change what I’ve been doing. Instead of dieting or doing some crazy fad I’m am instead going to work on the problems I have that led to the weight gain. So more of a lifestyle change. 

To start let me tell you some background. 

I’m in a graduate program in hopes of getting into medical school this coming application cycle. I am taking classes part time and am also working part time. Work and class are right by each other in Philadelphia, but I’m living with family friends in the suburbs to save money. My commute is about an hour and because I’m not living on my own and other people are feeding me I have less control over my diet and there’s always snack food around. I also just graduated from college this last spring. I also started a new relationship a couple months before graduation. So, overall there’s a lot going on in my life and almost all of it is positive. But it can also be overwhelming. I’m really busy and don’t get out much unless it’s too see my boyfriend (we’re long distance this year) or spend time with family (my sister lives near by). So with everything going on it’s just hard to care much about what I’m eating. 

It all sort of started when I started dating my boyfriend. I was taking some exercise classes at the time and going to the gym but then I started going out to bars and drinking more. We were also going out to dinner more and getting more take out. But because I was exercising and busy I wasn’t really putting on weight yet, just forming bad habits. After graduation I went into MCAT crazed study mode. So I would sort of just eat anything in sight while studying. And outside of work I wasn’t doing much else. I stopped exercising. After my test I then continued to go out and eat out a lot, but because I had graduated I no longer had access to a gym for free so I wasn’t exercising. When I moved to Philli I didn’t have a car yet, but I was biking places. The biking part was good, but because I couldn’t get places easily I was staying home and watching TV a lot in my free time and I also couldn’t go to the store to by foods for lunch so I was eating out a lot at work. And then with the stress from school and looking into med school applications things just kind of got out of hand. I started to be less productive and would find myself wasting days away doing nothing. And was struggling to find the motivation do be better. But enough is enough and I’m going to change. 

So today is day 1. 

I went to the store this morning to get a dry erase board to write a To-Do list every night for the next day. I also made a meal plan for the week. I think what will really help me make a change in the end is organization. If I have a plan I will be more likely to stick to it. Also if I make a to-do list I will be more likely to be productive and actually do that stuff as opposed to sit around and procrastinate. And then stress that nothing is done. 

I also joined a gym back in January. I’ve been decent at going, but depending on the week I either go a lot or none based on how stressed I am over school work. Hopefully being more organized will help me be less stressed and procrastinate less so I can plan out my time better and go to the gym more regularly. 

I’ve also set goals for myself. Normally I’m the kind of person who will buy things impulsively. I tell myself I work hard and deserve to treat myself to whatever. Often they are things that are useful and that I need, but don’t need that minute. I also don’t buy expensive things (luckily, otherwise I would be in so much debt, or more than I already am from my student loans). However, I could show more self control. So instead, I’ve thought of all the things I want (little things) and set them as rewards for myself. When I lose my first 5lbs I will get to buy one of them. And then another at 10lbs and so on. My hope is to lose at least 20lbs total. If not 25-30lbs. 

I also want to hold myself accountable so I’m going to try and post on here regularly. Even if no one else reads it. 

Wish me luck!

[kryssieness]

On Medical Professionals (rant)

I’m bothered by something...

I had a doctor’s appointment on the 30th of January with a new GP. My husband was with me. I’m pretty negative towards doctors because I only go when I’m sick or have a problem...and, of course, they never believe me.

I explained my symptoms to the new GP, but I got a real sense of “there’s nothing I can do for you” from her. She referred me back to the RA Specialists (for some reason) and that was that.

I was analyzing how I felt about the visit and told my husbeast (who was with me during the appointment) that I didn’t think I’d go back to her. I wasn’t really interested in a physical because, on paper, I’m healthy and I know it. There’s no point in going in for a physical when they aren’t going to find any problems. Surprise: This has been my entire fucking life! He told me that he thought this doctor had done a really good job and she actually listened to what I was saying, except when I went into “story-mode.”

That really pissed me off.

I’m trying to compress 2 years of severe issues into a 30 minute conversation. The answers to the questions you’re asking aren’t simple answers.... if you can’t pay attention to my “story mode,” then you have no business trying to treat me. If you can’t help me, just say, “I can’t help help you,” and don’t waste my time and energy.

I mean, how do you explain to someone who has never met you that up until 3 years ago, you were incredibly strong, active, and hyper-energetic while they’re staring at you now, barely able to sit up and talk because you’re so goddamn exhausted and you’re using a cane to walk so you don’t face plant, plus you’ve gained back every single pound you lost via powerlifting? THERE’S A FUCKING STORY THERE AND YOU’D BETTER PAY ATTENTION.

I’m not even 40 yet. I used to bench 115lbs and squat about 210 (deadlift was 190lbs). Now? I can barely pick up a 10lbs dumbbell most days. I’d started having problems with my hands back in 2012 when I was powerlifting. They’d get super stiff when I was holding onto the bar and I couldn’t release them from the bar without a lot of mental effort. It started around September of 2012, after I’d been lifting for a year. It didn’t matter if I was doing squats or bench presses; my hands wouldn’t open without effort. My sister (who’s a nurse) suggested I see an RA Specialist at that time because RA hobbles through our family.

But, X-Rays showed I had no damage to my joints, and I’m sero-negative for RA (and autoimmune disorders, in general). My tests, however, show a good deal of inflammation in my body... but, as always, I’m fine on paper.

Yeah. I have a story. You’re a doctor and should really be interested in my story. Because.... you’re here to fucking TREAT MY STORY and see if you can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

Oh, and the topper? She was *surprised* my former GP was considering MS as a diagnosis for me. She told me that MS was “a serious diagnosis.” I almost lost it and said, “No shit! Could it be because I have, I dunno, a serious fucking condition?!” I was in a great deal of pain (enough that my BP and pulse were elevated), I was exhausted, but my filters were still in tact, so I didn’t go off on her completely.  I did get a smidge snarky, though. Seriously.

...and I feel like a horrible person, thinking, “I hope I do have a serious illness that, had you not treated me like a fucking hypochondriac from the outset, could have been resolved without permanent damage to my system!” I’m just that pissed. I mean, I know it’s not the same, at all, but, when I was 9, I had my left roller skate kicked out from under me while I was moving. It twisted my knee around and I limped severely on it for about 6 months. There was nothing wrong, you see. As I got older, I would complain about my knee catching and making noises when I knelt down and such...or, slipping out of place (which also happened with frequency). I was told I was fine; nothing wrong. In college, I went to a specialist for it because it really effing hurt. I was told that a piece of meniscus had broken off and was floating around in my knee; that it was nothing to worry about. I got smart with that douchenozzle. He hadn’t done anything except listen to me say it hurt and I thought something had happened when I was 9 because that was the most traumatic injury I’d had. “Too long ago,” he said. When I was 28, my knee swelled up to the size of a grapefruit and I couldn’t move it. I went to an orthopedic surgeon and said, “I’m going to tell you a story and if you tell me I’m wrong or I’m just making this up, I’m going to punch you in the face.” And I told him about how my skate was kicked from underneath me, the subsequent limping, and all the shit I put up with from doctors over the intervening 20 years.

He did an MRI and an X-Ray and found nothing out of place. He was confused because there was evidence of a problem, but there was no evidence of the problem on paper. He decided to do surgery, if for no other reason than to see why my knee was a grapefruit. He told me about lateral release surgery, which he thought he would have to do, but first, he’d scope it. When I came to after surgery, he was standing over me, grinning from ear to ear, giddy. “YOU WERE RIGHT!!!” he said, jumping up and down a little.  “I went in and didn’t see anything at all...and as I was pulling out to do the lateral release, I noticed I couldn’t see anything! I’m supposed to see through to the back of your knee, so I poked the mensicus and BOOP! It flipped down and I saw a 2″ diagonal tear!! Needless to say, we fixed it! Here...look at these images! They’re so cool!!!”

That 2″ diagonal tear that never showed up on lab tests is why I’m fighting for a fucking diagnosis, now. I lived for 20 years with a problem that could have been corrected when I was little, had doctors just listened to me--or, at the very least, 10 years earlier when I was 18 and at the specialist’s in college. I even had bronchitis in college, but because I have a ginormous (well, had) lung capacity, they didn’t believe me when I said I couldn’t breathe. Eight. Fucking. Weeks. And I lost some of that lung capacity. Which is terrible when you have aspirations of being an opera singer. 

Doctors, for me, have been shit. Listen to my goddamn stories and do your job and figure out what’s wrong with me. I don’t think that’s asking too much.

[zeebartels]

First & most importantly –

All my love and thanks to my family, who know how much/little to check in on me and not ask too many/too few questions – DeeDee, Tins, Curtis, Manon, Chants, Casey

Zain – for being my hospital Saviour and just my favourite Pakistani ever! Chad – for trying your best to lie to the parents when KB ask the 2 questions you weren’t allowed to answer truthfully – that is what cousins are for. KB – you are my heroin and without knowing it guided me through this – WWKBD!

Elisha + Nico – for being the best big Sister + Brother a girl could need. There are no words to express how much I love you and appreciate you. Sis! looks like I will live to meet yuh man and you are the best secret keeper.

And, The NHS for existing [you can take all the National Insurance you want from me], King’s College Hospital & my multi-disciplinary team of docs for being absolute stars and sorting me out real quick.

So… it’s been a fucking mad end of this year.

I hate this time of year, it’s never felt happy or joyous and honestly I just see the loneliness in the world in this ‘festive’ season, and now compounded by the loss of my father on Boxing Day 2013 – this time of year I’m always thinking – where is the highest mountain or deepest hidey hole I can find until this is all over. But I think this year has taken the cake!

So I had this cough since end of July, no biggie – it’s a cough.

In October, I was inexplicably breathless speed walking to the boarding gate in Amsterdam with Court.

November 19th, I had the craziest fever – trying to sleep, laying naked in my living room with my windows and sliding doors open in the middle of winter and I still felt I was in Trinidad in midday hot sun.

Chaddy boy came over the next day and seeing I couldn’t say one word without having to catch my breath – emergency doctor’s appointment became mandatory. Now I am the worst patien if I can walk and not screaming in pain – I good, dancer habits die hard. So you know shit was real at this point.

Doc Wedgwood tells me to go directly to A&E 1st thing in the morning, She means – DO NOT pass go, DO NOT collect £200 [which would have been damn handy seeing I just quit my 2nd job for the year on Halloween – that’s another story though].

Of course, I was like “listen, give me some drugs so I stop this violent coughing business and could breathe cause I have a job interview tomorrow that not only do I really want to go to but shit! I need to be able to pay rent in 2018 and there is nothing that will make me move from the best flat in the world.”

We had a bit of a back and forth and this woman was not playing but no chest infection is going to affect my plan. Cue – an interview reschedule and I head to King’s College Hospital bright and early the next morning.

Give some blood and x-ray my chest. Then @ 8:50am the lovely good looking Isiah made everything a little more concerning. He asked me to stick around and started asking me a bunch of questions and after trying to be slick, I got him to eventually admit to me that, “My Chest X-ray is concerning, and I need to go to my GP 1st thing tomorrow to discuss the results”

Fuck me! So not a straightforward​ chest x-ray, not a simple case of a really bad chest infection. But you know I’m on a mission, cause I can’t tell my mother I quit another job this year without having sorted another, so I have interviews to get my ass too​.

Fast Forward to that afternoon, and my Doc Wedgwood left 2 voicemails and emailed me about my early morning results appointment – slight panic set in, so I called in the reinforcements for this appointment – enter Nicholai from Stage Right.

So much changed in a couple sentences that Wednesday morning.

“Your chest x-ray isn’t good. We have to do more tests to fully diagnose, but it’s 1 of 3 things –

Lung cancer [WTF?!?!], Lymphoma [this woman crazy!?!?] or Sarcoidosis [I know she crazy cause only people on House or Greys’ Anatomy have that, and those are TV shows].

Your heart rate is 160 – it’s working too hard and your lymph nodes are inflamed around 400%”

If Nico didn’t say respond – I woulda tell you – that was the most vivid dream I ever had. My Big Brother [as he introduced himself to Doc Wedgwood] asked the sensible questions. I said – how the hell do I tell my mother & sister?!!?

The Bartels Soldier surfaced [I am the child of KB – the Original Gangster] and I needed to make a plan. I started my “I’m dying” folder in my Notes.

What needs doing…

What are the next steps to diagnosis?

Who needs to or should know?

Do I change my pension beneficiaries from my Godchildren​ to my mother and sister [the original plan of them being gone by the time I die may not be the same]?

If it’s a cancer – do I do the fucked up chemo thing or just make sure I enjoy the rest of my time?

Sweet! I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks and I didn’t even make an effort – this could definitely be a good thing!!

Who needs access to my business if shit goes downhill from here.

Answers…

Kings’ College Chest Clinic will call me with my next appointments and instructions

Nico [he was there], Elisha [she’s my person], Chaddy [he knows something is up]. KB + the rest will know when I know what is what

Diagnosis 1st then change beneficiaries if need be

Stage 1 – we will try ah ting & KB will have to come and mind her chile in London. Late Stage 2 and beyond – I’mma just ride this out and see what happens

I have 50lbs I need to lose and hate exercising so this is a real good thing & I’m going to ride this train as much as I can [so far -20lbs + counting in the last month]

Elisha – all of it. Nico – my hospital details.

  So here is what followed:

My symptoms got worse –

I can’t walk 1 flight of stairs without being winded, I have to plan all my journeys around tube stations that have escalators and leave enough time to catch my breath before I have to speak to someone. And keep those to a bare minimum

Talking too much is difficult – not a problem for me, I’m not the biggest fan of people

Eating is tiring and takes my breath away – so most things become blended, good thing I had a bunch of already made frozen soup

I have violent coughing episodes that make anyone in my vicinity think I’m dying from the plague – They just gonna have to deal with that

My ribs are sore from all the coughing, so inhaling is painful

No matter how much water I drink (we are talking 3-4 litres a day) I still wake up at least 4 times every night coughing because my throat is so dry

I started sleeping on top of towels so my bed doesn’t get soaked from my night sweats

I decided on a hospital uniform – my fav GAP grey sweatpants & large quilted super cosy GAP jumper & NikexLiberty Air Max 90’s

Another 3 blood tests – 1 of which I had to tell a very fass phlebotomist about herself and that I do not need a husband nor define myself by the presence of a man & I still don’t know my blood type

A CT Scan – Yes you really do feel like you’ve pee’d yourself in your swimsuit and that cosy warmth stays with you for a couple seconds

A result appointments that only said more tests to come – Doc Turner didn’t seem too​ impressed to hear about my “I’m Dying” folder and whatever other snarky comments I  made

A bronchoscopy – My body was not happy about the invasion and started bucking like I was possessed and thus a punctured lung (more Grey’s Anatomy​y drama), I woke up, or more specifically, regained memory whilst in mid sentence to the nurse.

A week later – I found a bunch of druggie selfies and pics of bloody liquids [I assume came from me], and videos of my canula removal – no memory performing these actions and I doubt the nurse used my phone.

A PET Scan – preceded by a semi breakdown in the waiting room, it kicked off because they go my appointment times wrong, I was real tired and it was my 2nd day of fasting for a procedure. So a very unhappy Zara came to visit shouting for my doctor and threatening to start breaking things led to a coughing episode and was completed by my pee-ing myself while I’m trying to cuss them about their time fuck up. Eventually – they made me radioactive and I went home to my bed.

Ended that day with my cancelling an interview, receiving confirmation of 2 different job offers coming to my inbox within the next couple day and a late evening voicemail from Doc Turner “It’s good news – all things considered. I’ll see you on Monday and we’ll discuss treatment and long-term”

Well thank fuck for that! At least I don’t have to inject my self with poison. I can deal with that – and I can tell KB.

Monday 18th December – Final results appointment + diagnosis =

CONGRATULATIONS!! You’re a winner!!!

You only have a rare autoimmune disease that we don’t know much about but we can give you mood altering weight gaining steroids for symptoms but not much else. We don’t know what causes it, your symptoms can disappear as quickly as they appeared and never reappear, or you could get lung damage. You’ll have to come to the hospital once a month for a full workup.

BTW – how are your eyes feeling? Tired? Warm? Cause this could affect your eyes and your brain too.

Sarcoidosis is now your long time companion.

Gee! Thanks Doc Turner – you’re my hero.

Everything was made right literally in one afternoon, an afternoon where I felt so shitty, couldn’t catch my breath, breathing was painful and my constant coughing made me want to die.

I get to call my mother and tell her – it kinda went like this

[Me -ZB] Hey KB, so I have something to tell you. I quit my job on Halloween… [KB] Oh Shit man Zara! That was 2 months ago [ZB] yeah but I just had 2 offer conversations with 2 companies & I’ll decide on one of them later today, so the job situ is in hand. [KB] mmm hmmm [ZB] Annnnddd, I was being tested for Lung Cancer, Lymphoma & Sarcoidosis, but I only have Sarcoidosis. The best of the 3. [KB] What you saying? [ZB] {Long version as above} [KB] OK, well good thing you there and not here. You are my special child. First it’s your special mouth disease [that is another story – missing some jaw bone]

Ma asked some really good questions and we lime for a lil while on the Skype.

Hardest part done – So now, we sort shit out.

The job is decided on, I’m now the Head of People for a Games Company.

New Meds –

Getting my steroids via inhaler – straight to the lungs, minimise the side effects of steroids in the blood. I know the steroids would have given me a real reason to be fat but the mood swing business, I wasn’t really in the mood for nah!

More Codeine = more constipation – so increase on the prunes and keep on with the greens.

True Story – I’ve been on some form of codeine for the last month – A couple weeks ago, I’m sitting on my toilet for 20 minutes, my legs are numb and I’m crying with frustration cause really I’m a 36 yr old constipated woman, and all I want is for this shit to no longer be a turtle and become a drowned log. I have a coughing episode and all that shit comes barrelling out! The biggest most literal F-ough (fart+cough) that ever existed!! 

So now it’s the road to getting right, I have to be a bridesmaid in Court’s wedding and I’ve got 3 months to be able to breathe while I walk down her aisle.

I’m thrilled that I don’t have to tell my mother + sister that I have cancer at the same time of year we found out and lost my father to cancer.

I get to be on a special list for people with Special Diseases. I call it “exotic”.

I’ll lose the next 30lbs probably without much annoying exercise simply because I have to cut out all inflammatory foods and my body seems to be on that trajectory, once the vaporise steroids don’t get in the way.

And I get to learn more about this odd disease and I won’t be receiving a ridiculous hospital bill.

Everyone is now caught up and I wish you all a brilliant year and all the good things.

2018 is setting up to be a smash hit! I’m pretty excited.

Walk good

xoxo.​

I am a patient on House + Greys’ Anatomy First & most importantly - All my love and thanks to my family, who know how much/little to check in on me and not ask too many/too few questions - DeeDee, Tins, Curtis, Manon, Chants, Casey…