#i fucking love this berries and cream looking motherfucker

[klonoadreams]

ROOK GOT THAT SNORK MIMIMI ASS LOOKING FIT RIGHT HERE IM LOSING MY SHIT

I FUCKING LOVE THIS BERRIES AND CREAM LOOKING DORK

BUT DAMN, it's good to have an explicit confirmation that the freckles are still there. Like I doubt he would've ever truly lost them, since his skin is very much the type that sunburns and freckles easily, if his Savannaclaw fit has anything to say

AGAIN, I better not see anyone arguing that Vil robbed us of Feral Rook, when his hair is nasty AF, LIKE LOOK AT THAT DAMAGED HAIR, HE NEEDED THAT HAIRCUT GOD DAMMIT. There was no salvaging those locks.

His skin also looks also a lot more moisturized and healthier, even with the freckles. My guy probably goes through a lot to protect his skin now, so the type of foundation he uses DEFINITELY doubles as a skin protectant alongside the sunscreen he wears.

ALSO IT'S SO WEIRD SEEING HIS NAILS EXPOSED, like I know this ain't the first time we've seen his hands exposed, but seeing it here, alongside his freckled face, without any makeup just makes it more glaring. Like remember, before Vil got to him, Rook's fingers and nails were fucked from his archery. God knows how long it took for those bad boys to recover, but jfc.

hvkjwhgjkfgrv I JUST NOTICED HIS SLEEPWEAR LITERALLY SAYS, "GOODNIGHT" IN FRENCH ON IT GVJKWDHVKJFDHFJD

I'm like so enamored with his dorky ass habits. He clearly enjoys himself now, since it's very much confirmed through Vil that Rook LOVES makeup, but still also CHOOSES to remain feral to some extent (AGAIN, I POINT AT HIS HONKING BOOTS IN HIS DORM WEAR, CUZ THEY CLASH SO MUCH, BUT THAT'S HIS DEALBREAKER, THE BOOTS STAY ON DURING HUNTING SESSIONS)

[discount-limeade]

Slipknot: A Review

Part 2

(See Slipknot Vs. Batman For Iowa Era)

Conrad's Ratings On How Well He Thinks The Knot Members can Cook (+ What their favorite Poptart Flavor is)

#0 Sid Wilson

8/10

I actually REALLY fuck with Subliminal Versus hhh

No hair in the food. He's got a Tie on so he MUST know what he's doing. -1 for refuses to use the right noodles for the Dish. -1 Stares at you the Entire time you eat.

Poptart: Blueberry. He peels the Crust off.

#1 JOEY JORDISON

3/10

CANNOT COOK! -2 for does he LOOK like he owns a fucking pot OR a Pan. -1 Only has Ketchup and Half a Coke in the fridge. -1 he "Customizes" his Fast Food Orders. (BK BBQ Sauce on a Crunch Wrap Supreme ETC.) -2.5 for Asks you what you want then says no to every Option until you say what he wants. -.5 put salt in your Drink.

Poptart: Cherry or S'Mores.

#2 Paul Gray

10/10

Classic "Spaghetti Date" kinda Guy.

Homemade Sauce. Garlic Bread and Salad as Sides. No Complaints, he just knows what he's doing.

In a Not Spaghetti Setting, he will Cut your food up for you.

Poptart: Cherry. Toasted with Butter.

#3 Chris Fehn

6/10

Look at him Crackin MAD jokes in this Picture, love it.

-2 for "I love Cast Iron Pans Because you don't have to clean them". YES YOU DO. -1 Too much Salt. -1 can't make Eggs. Look at that picture, man looks like he FUCKS UP some Boiled eggs. But look again and Tell me He knows how to Fry one. Exactly.

Poptart: Berry Blast. Don't even know if that's a Real Flavor but it's his favorite FOR SURE.

#4 Jim Root

5/10

This is a Situation where I think that James, THE MAN, is actually a fuckin Superb Chef. This picture however, not Gonna Cut it.

-1 everything is Spicy as FUCK. Like Run To the fuckin Faucet For water, Damn Near Inedible For some Dishes. -1 for ONCE AGAIN I REALLY don't think this man Washes his Hands. It keeps me up at Night. -1 you made a Comment on a piece of his House Decorations and He Spit in your Sauce. -2 doesn't own Actual Plates or Silverware. Styrofoam Babyyy.

Poptart: Banana. Again, don't know if it's Really, but he looks like he likes That Fake Banana Flavor.

#5 Craig Jones

7/10

I think he'd be REALLY good at Grillin.

-1 for seasons Steak with Salt. Not exclusively but it's part of his Steak seasoning blend, it's just wrong. -1 Grill Brush Bristle in your Burger. -1 wears an Apron that has a print of some guys hairy Chest on it, that man is Wearing Speedos...

Poptart: None. Prefers Apple Toaster Strudels.

#6 Clown

5/10

It's Not that he CAN'T cook, he just doesn't.

-1 for Dirty Dishes. -1 for inappropriate Dinner Conversation. He is telling you about the Process of which This Specific kind of meat is Harvested.

(Personally I'd be Mad interested but Some people can't handle all that YK).

-2 for didn't shower before you came over. Nothing and Everything to do with Cooking. -1 His edibles are Kinda Weak.

Poptart: Cookies N Creme. Cream or Creme?

#7 Mick Thomson

8/10

Nah man, look at this fuckin, LOOK. Got me Gay As Hell.

-1 for the Opposite Cast Iron thing. He soaks it. Unforgivable Really. Now you have to season it EVERY TIME. -1 for He gave you a Mickey Mouse Spoon. -1 for he uses the Microwave A LOT. -1 butter butter butter, beer, butter butter. (This is how he keeps the Meat Moist.)

+2 for Dinner was Served on a Zoopals plate of your choosing.

Poptart: Cinnamon. The Superior Flavor.

#8 Corey Taylor

2/10

This is coming Out of pure Hatred for A post someone made. It Inspired me to make this Whole review. In this post, it was a Picture of the most UNDERCOOKED, UNDER SEASONED, WHITE PEOPLE LOOKIN CHICKEN THAT EVER EXISTED. And it was Some like, thing Where Corey was like, 'Made Dinner'. It was BEYOND foul. I know these Ratings are Based on the picture Provided but fucking -3 for That Post.

There is a Method Of Jacking off Wear you put soup in a Ziploc bag, then put it in a sock to make a Fleshlight. -2 for he served you the Sock Soup.

(I have never Tried this, spare me Please.)

-1 for look how dirty his hands are. Motherfucker doesn't even OWN a Sink. -1 for he Keeps sticking his fingers in the food to Taste it.

Poptart: Fudge. Toasted.

The End.

[novelnekomata]

Hear My Heart!

Song association with these beautiful boys. Glimpses of your life with them told through music. Fluff fluff fluff! Maybe a bit of angst thrown in here and there.

Ft. Tsukishima Kei, Oikawa Tōru, & Kageyama Tobio

↠ Tsukishima Kei

“I say the wrong shit at the right times. If I'm offending them, I don't mind. Maybe they all should listen to me, it isn't all about what you see. Question though, how do I look to you...?”

Scrawny. Motherfucker. With a meh-hairstyle. Until he grows it out and he beefs the fuck up in the timeskip.. good lord, have mercy.

♫ Tsukishima rolls his eyes at you and uses every bit of self-restraint he has to never give you the satisfaction of his attention. He will always fail. It shows in the littlest things, though he doesn’t really notice it.

♫ Tsukishima will let you call him nicknames. He’ll be on your case ten times more (or ten times less) than on anyone else’s. When he’s being a bitch to someone, he doesn’t care at all what they think. But every time, he secretly looks for your face, praying the look on it isn’t disdain. Disgust for him being the way he is.

♫ You see him without his headphones one day and you thought the world was ending. That is, until he brings out a pair of earphones. “Would you like to listen to some real music instead of the trash you blast everyday?” You can’t help but come a little closer, the way he flinches ever-so-slightly at your scooching. He doesn’t understand why, but he finds himself at your side—and he doesn’t want to leave.

“Wired and phoned to a heart of glass. Now I'm falling in love too fast—with you or the songs you chose, and all the stars play for me...”

♫ Tsukishima’s blonde head rests on his dinosaur-cased pillows, ears red from a day of being smushed by his headphones. Instead of watching his nightly selection of videos before bed, he decides to end his day with something more lyrical. Maybe it’s not so bad, he thinks, as the playlist you sent to him is now being blasted by the same person who once called it trash.

♫ Tsukishima hears you through each lyric, imagines you singing along with the biggest smile. Laughing as if you didn’t have him on his knees, falling at your feet. He’ll never admit it, but he wished the words were for him. Moonlight blinds his eyes through his bedroom window. The boy you call moon isn’t used to feeling like this, so all he can do is close his eyes and wonder if you were always this bright, this sweet, this dreamy. Did you ever look so nice before? He falls in love with you, more and more before he falls asleep.

(Not giving him an angst song, because I can’t handle Tsukki’s peak asshole characterization when it comes to romance. If you would like one though, Jealous by Eyedress has lyrics that fit well with every angst fic’s Tsukki.)

“You are my medicine when you're close to me. So call in the submarines, 'round the world we'll go. Does anybody know, love—If we're looking out on the day of another dream?”

♫ Golden rays shine upon your golden-haired boy, hard-to-miss as he stands tall under dinousaur bones. It was his first day working in the museum, and you know how much he’d been looking forward to it. You hear him snort at the last text you sent him, some lame joke about berries and cream and a picture of his favorite strawberry shortcake stuffed in your mouth. You almost knock over a stand as you creep up behind his hunched figure. “Hey there, four-eyes. I was wondering if you could tell me about these things.” You’re unaware of how his heart skips a beat, how the nerves that had him shaking suddenly disappear as he basks in your presence. “Guess I wouldn’t mind wasting my time a bit, starburst.”

♫ A punch and a kiss, a snicker here and there as you whine at him for not calling you “sunshine” and for not letting you drag his lanky ass home right away. You take a picture to capture the moment, both of you beaming as he tells you stories about the fossil he’s been studying. When his shift ends, he continues to show you around. No matter how many museum dates you’ve had, no matter how many times he’s seen your face and held you close after a game—he still can’t believe he isn’t dreaming. In a world full of plastic that surrounds him, you are the one true, natural, real thing that he cherishes wholeheartedly. He shines because of your light, and he’ll rest his own bones with you forever.

(OMH is a song about consumerism and love and I don’t know why I associate this with him but yes. Also don’t know why I added the berries-and-cream thing but for those of you who need context: it’s a trend?? on TikTok from a Starburst commercial. The moon calling you his sun—ugh, c’mere and kiss me, Mr. Jerkface He gets visuals because I found some perfect for this scene and it’s his birthday. // Bonus song: I Wear Glasses by Mating Ritual <3)

↠ Oikawa Tōru

“You like me, oh, obviously. So why you trying to leave when you know that I’m the king? ‘Cause I’m supreme—choose me...”

♫ Oikawa, from the get-go, will spend his time trying to convince you that you were in love with him. He found you attractive, even more irresistible as you resisted his charms. Or at least tried to. If he sees you with someone else, having the audacity to be interested in someone other than him, he’ll huff and puff in jealousy like he was blowing a pig’s house down. It’s fine, you’ll always come back to him, right?

♫ Oikawa is an unstoppable flirt; it’s usually a force of habit, a slip of the tongue instead of something meant to be taken seriously.. a front. But for you? He means every single word. All he wants is to be king—not of the court, not of the world, but of your heart. And for his reign there to never end.

(When he says “I’m supreme” it’s him trying to reassure himself that he’s the best... right? Even though he knows he doesn’t deserve anyone. *Sobs* Bonus: Crush Culture. Me trying to resist this man after despising him for so long...)

“You’re the ground my feet won’t reach. So if you’re lonely—darling, you’re glowing. If you’re lonely, come be lonely with me...”

♫ Oikawa hasn’t had the time to know what true love is, but he longs for it. He longs to be understood, appreciated, valued. Imagine the effort he puts in pursuing his dream, proving that he is worthy of achieving it. But that fear of his eats at him, his heart inside his throat.

♫ How could he let someone into his life just to watch him fail? How will he know that he is worthy enough of you? He isn’t even worthy of playing for Nationals.. He doesn’t mind being alone anymore, it still hurts—but he doesn’t mind. But if he can be alone with you, if you want him.. maybe then will he realize what love really is.

(Saved myself from pain by not giving Oikawa a full-on angst song here. If you would like to listen to one, Georgia by Vance Joy fits well. After he pushes you away, choosing volleyball before you, never thinking of the possibility of his dream and his dream girl coexisting. Soon, he finally realizes how much you really meant to him.. but only when you’ve gone.)

“Even if my heart stops beating, you’re the only thing I need with me. Even if the Earth starts shaking, you’re the only thing worth taking with me...”

♫ You run to him—your pretty boy—after his first game for Argentina. You don’t care for sweat, as you jump into his arms the moment after he raises his medal into the air, saying “This is for you.” The roaring crowd, the team’s cheers; all the sounds surrounding him should be hurting his ears already. But he hears nothing but you. “Happy and proud of you, my love. No matter what.”

♫ Out of all the things he’s done, the balls he’s set, the awards he’s gotten, the gold and the glamour... being loved by you is his greatest accomplishment. Through the ends of the Earth, through heaven and hell, he will follow you. All he needs in this life is the world in his arms. His world. Sorry to say, but you’re stuck with him forever.

↠ Kageyama Tobio

“I must have turned bright red, ‘cause I couldn’t stand to face you. ‘Cause I liked what I saw. Maybe we should just stay friends...”

♫ Kageyama (just like yet so unlike his senpai) wouldn’t know love if it was spiked to his face. However, things change when he meets you, looking like a goon in the dumbest sweatshirt. He thought he was going to die; chest tightening, he couldn’t breathe and thought he was having a heart attack. It happens again, every time he sees you. Yet after that, every time you give him a carton of milk and a quick wave, he’s never felt so alive.

♫ Kageyama would be baffled as Tanaka and Noya gush at the idea of the King of the Court having a crush. A crush? What’s that? He couldn’t look you in the eye after the team explains, Sugawara sending you a look of.. sympathy? When Kageyama steals a glance at you himself, his head hurts at trying to comprehend his own stupidity. He can.. like someone? Could you ever return those feelings?

“But all you want is milk, more than you can drink. All you want is honey—you can't take the sting. You live for overkill, but you're ungrateful still. All you want is honey, well, honey I tried...”

♫ Kageyama is the first to screw up in your newfound relationship. He changed—you know that—but remnants of his old personality still remain at times. He said something hurtful. He made you feel incompetent, made you feel like you weren’t enough, like your opinion and emotions didn’t matter.

♫ You don’t know what he wants. You just know he wants more, and you’ll never be enough for him. His ambition and determination to be better, his endless pursuit for growth were once some of the many things that made you fall in love with him.. made you look up to him. Now? It is his downfall.

(All the songs titled Milk are depressing. Listen to Milk by Cheats for another depressing alt-pop perspective. For sexy time with Tobio-chan, Milk & Honey by Beck <3)

“Guess I'm missing all your energy—that's all I want. Promise I am not your enemy, I just need another memory—that's all I want. ‘Cause all I want is you, is you...”

♫ You play with the fingers he keeps in the best condition, his warmth bouncing off of your body. You barely catch the words that fall from his lips, into your ear—but you hear it. “I love you.” He missed the bright smile that always blinds his blueberry orbs. He missed how you’d pout and punch his arm as he teases you. He used his hunger for success to succeed in making you his again. And the universe is on his side, since the day he met you, the day he confessed to you, the day he told you he loved you.

♫ You will always be more than enough for him. He feels like he could take on anything with you, a winner in every sense as you stroll into the Olympics by his side. He’s an idiot, you think to yourself. Your idiot, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

A/n:

꩜ Happy birthday, salty boy Kei! Might as well post this as my tribute for you first because I’m not done with your birthday fluff drabble yet + Bokuto’s :(

꩜ Pretty pissed because I spent a good 3 weeks on these and only now did I realize that there’s a limit to the audio links. I could’ve posted these a long, long time ago. But at the same time this is pretty half-assed and all my tiny brain could squeeze out this month—*sad ara ara gomen* Might post a part two of those I’ve already done (includes Suna, Atsumu, Suga/Iwa, Kuroo, Kenma) or the JJK version. I hope you got to play the songs while reading! I cry to my Oikawa playlist a lot :’)

[chromes-corner]

I’ll give you one (1) 🥚 hard boiled egg for your takes on the new cookies

OMG OMG OMG THANK YOU FOR THE EGG AND FOR LETTING ME TALK ABOUT NEW UPDATE COOKIES YESSSSS ILY

Wildberry Cookie

Ok ok ok so like obviously im gonna be super partial towards this guy because I love knight/paladin-looking characters and ughhh his design absolutely tickles my brain. I am so so so into the bigass gauntlet he has its SO COOL I LOVE IT!! the stoic look is really dragging me in as well. whats this man so serious about??? his job???? i really wanna know what his job entails because he cant JUST be hollyberrys bodyguard. there's no way in hell she, victorious warrior over literal dragons, needs a bodyguard. also i know this probably wont be true but itd be really fucking cool if he was related to hollyberry. like the color palette is all there and he has word berry in his name and, uh, thats all the steam this theory has, BUT STILL!!! thatd be a cool foil for princess, right? a relative who takes his lineage seriously??? idk man i just really like this dude. a lot. also I'm hoping he's not just another caramel arrow personality-wise bc I'm getting those vibes just a little bit from him. that'd be so sad :( give him a cool character quirk devsis. makes my boy stand out. i really hope the fanbase gives him the same love that theyre currently giving the other new guy. ugh the skoinko boinko <3 <3 <3

clotted cream cookie

i might rag on this guy in the future for looking super fucking generic, but tbh he's... fine. that's it. he's fine. i really don't see anything special about his design. i like his poise and his general air, but honestly? no brain tickling here. take this as you will, but, honestly I looked at him and immediately thought "genshin impact." now I have never played genshin impact, nor do I ever intend to, but he just looks like one of those characters, with the done-up fancy-ness and such. I'm not really into him design-wise. i am intrigued by who he is/might be character-wise, however. yes yes, all of us are up in arms because the last hoity-toity bureaucrat was affogato, and we all know who he is now, plus CC is a politician, and those guys are always evil, but lets wait until we know more about him before we make accusations and all. though, ill admit, some of those voicelines in the trailer were rather sus. calling him an "unexpected guest" and him saying "i will emerge victorious" gives me lowkey villain vibes, but again, lets just wait and see. another thing i want to point out is that the trailer highlighted his skill being used on madeleine in particular, and we know for a fact that madeleine plays a part in this story (it is his homeland, afterall) so im very VERY curious about that. mayhaps we'll have a little rivalry between those boys?

anyways ummm yeah also the super-epic tier is ummmmm bullshit <3 and I hate that its very stupid <3 <3 teehee love and light!!!

ALSO I WANT TO KNOW WHO THE COOKIES-N-CREAM LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE CAKE WOLF IS!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[elsanna-shenanigans]

February Contest Submission #14: Valentine Vesuvius

words: ca. 4700 setting: mAU with accidental time travel lemon: no cw: homelessness

“Hey, you wanna get out of here?”

I turned to look at Elsa in confusion. Wasn’t this museum date her idea? She looked mischievous, her left eyebrow arched.

I opened my mouth. Shut it. Opened it. I glanced at the other families gathered in a loose arc around the museum tour guide who was currently droning on about some old emperor or another.

“Hell yeah,” I whispered.

Moments later we were giggling as we ran through a deserted hallway like school girls skipping class. Never mind that we were two adults in our upper-twenties who chose as well as paid to be at the museum.

We rounded a corner and found ourselves suddenly immersed in a dim room void of people, filled instead with spotlights on old pottery from Ancient Rome or something. Elsa spun to face me and took my hands in hers. I dragged my gaze from a vase depicting a mountain with people at its base, and met Elsa’s eyes.

“I’m so lucky to have you as my wife,” she said, gently squeezing my hands.

“I’m the lucky one,” any more words would have been cut off as Elsa cupped my face and kissed me.

She pulled away slightly and rubbed her thumb in a soft circle on my cheek. “Anna…”

My eyes were still closed from the intimate sensation, but I blinked them open. Why did she sound so sad? “Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked.

She took a deep, slow breath and let it out in a shaky sigh.

“I just… I want kids so bad, Anna.”

My heart broke. I nodded. “I know, Els. I do too.”

“I thought this tour would be a fun valentines date. I just didn’t expect there to be so many families. So many kids. I couldn’t… I couldn’t stand to be around them another second.” She shook her head. “It hurts too much.”

We had been trying everything we could the past couple of years, but the IVF wasn’t working and every adoption had fallen through. It was all getting so expensive, and even more frustrating.

I rubbed her arm. “Why is it so easy for straight people to accidentally create life, but when a couple of lesbians want kids it costs twenty thousand dollars and two left kidneys?”

“It’s not fair,” Elsa sighed.

“It’s not,” I said. “But hey,” I touched her chin, lifting her head up from its sad slouch. “We’re strong as fuck. We’re not going to give up.”

Elsa nodded.

“And until we do become parents,” I continued, “we are still perfect, and whole, and completely the best family I could ever imagine. Just the two of us.”

She smiled. “You’re right, Anna. With you by my side, there’s nothing else I could ever need. I hope I’ve never made you feel like you aren’t enough. You’re my everything; so much more than I deserve.” Pulling me close, she started sounding more like herself again.

“Don’t be silly,” I kissed Elsa quickly. “You deserve everything good in the world.” Another kiss. “And I love you.” Another. “So much.”

The last kiss was deepened by way of Elsa’s grip on the back of my neck. She took my lower lip between her teeth and flicked the tip of her tongue across it playfully, sending a shiver up my spine and heat shooting down my stomach.

I gasped as Elsa grabbed my waist and kissed my neck while she walked us toward a wall. Throwing my head back, I was relying on her to guide us. I couldn’t function when she was sucking on my neck, my pulse point like — that, ah! Jesus!

“Oops.”

I barely registered that my back hit something wobbly, but the last thing I heard was the unmistakeable sound of pottery crashing on the floor. I felt a flash of cold air run over my skin and then - nothing.

————————————-

When I came to, the first thing I felt was a piercing headache. I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet and I wished I could close them. Gripping my skull, I rolled around in the darkness behind my eyelids, wishing the high pitched shriek in my ears would fade. Then I noticed the bumpy texture digging into my back. Uhh… Why did the museum floor feel like it was made of rocky ground?

Perhaps more pressing: why was the rocky ground …trembling?

I stopped moving altogether and sure enough, the ground I was laying on was shaking. I cracked my eyes open only to be blinded by bright sky. This was definitely not the museum exhibit. Blinking rapidly, my eyes started to adjust to the light even as my headache pounded and begged me to close them, or better yet, knock myself back out.

While I waited for my vision to make sense, I scrambled to get my feet under me. This was easier said than done, the way the ground wouldn’t stop moving beneath my legs. Finally I was at least on all fours and stable enough to look around.

“Jesus Christ.” Was that a motherfucking volcano? I arched my neck to see the top of the mountain I was extremely close to. Pluming dark clouds surrounded its peak. What the hell happened to me?

I whipped my head around, swaying from the dizzy fit the motion sent me into. I was in sort of a vast, empty field of rocky, grassy terrain. There looked to be a bustling town just down the hill. No one else was around, except —

“Elsa!” I shrieked. I scrambled to my right, getting to my feet as I gained momentum. Rocks kept shifting under my bare feet and I tripped a couple of times before I reached where she was laying. I fell to my knees by her side, and rolled her onto her back.

“Elsa?” I tapped her cheek with my palm, patting it several times. “Els! Wake up!”

She groaned.

Relief washed over me. I kept nudging her until she came to. She groaned again. “Ugh… my head.”

“Shh, I know, it sucks.” I said, more to myself than to her, as I pulled her head into my lap. “Wait. Are you wearing a fucking toga?” I looked down at myself. “Am I wearing a fucking toga?!”

We were both wearing cream colored fabric gathered at the shoulders and the waist. As if being at the base of a volcano wasn’t enough of a wake up call, for some reason the wardrobe change was what pushed me over the edge. It felt like my throat was closing up as I started struggling to breathe. My lungs couldn’t fill; I took breaths faster and faster, but too shallow to help. Perfect time for a panic attack, Anna.

Slow down. I closed my eyes, gripping Elsa tightly to me. Breathe in.

I felt the fabric under my fingers, it was thick but soft. Breathe out.

I heard birds chirping their alarms in the distance, wind sweeping past, and small rocks settling into new places all around me. Breathe in.

I smelled… fresh, salty air, tainted by something like smoke or dust. Breathe out.

“Hey lady! Is she dead?”

My eyes snapped open. There was a young girl, about eight years old approaching us from down the hill. She held a basket and wore a similar tunic, but hers had been through a lot. It was tattered and dirty. The words she spoke were so strange - I understood them in my head but at the same time, they sounded… foreign to my ears.

I cleared my throat. “No, she’s just waking up,” I responded. My own words had the same strange quality to them when I spoke to the girl.

“Oh. Who are you? My name is Cassia.” She had dark hair chopped unevenly at her shoulders.

“What a pretty name!” I said, a million thoughts racing through my head. “I’m Anna, and this is my… this is Elsa.” I didn’t know where, or when, we were so I didn’t want to get us into any unnecessary trouble. “Where are your parents?”

“I don’t have any. I was just gathering some berries when the ground shook again. Did you do it?” She squinted at me suspiciously.

So there are earthquakes here often. “No, of course not,” I laughed, hopefully convincingly, even though I had never felt less like laughing. “Elsa and I are traveling from afar, but …we got lost and hit our heads when the earth shook. Can you tell us where we are, exactly?”

Cassia gave me a strange look. “This is Pompeii, silly. What other city is at the bottom of the volcano?”

Pompeii?

….Holy fucking Vesuvius…

———————————————————

Once Elsa was fully conscious and aware of our situation, we decided to take Cassia up on her offer to show us to her home, which turned out to be more of a fort in the outskirts of town. It was about midday and the kid was generous enough to let us hang out in her home while she went back out to keep foraging, now that the tremors had slowed down enough.

We sat on the dirt floor after Cassia left, both staring off into the distance, in shock. How the fuck did this happen?

“So…” Elsa began.

“We’re in fucking Pompeii!” I exclaimed.

“What the fuck!” Elsa said.

And then we laughed, because, honestly, what else could we do at that point? We laughed uncontrollably. We laughed at our clothes. We laughed at the earthquake, at the damn volcano, at the funny way all of the words sounded.

When we couldn’t laugh anymore, I fell into Elsa’s torso and we sat, half snuggled up on the dirt floor of this impoverished orphan’s dwelling place.

“What year do you think it is?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Elsa said. “Does it matter?”

“I mean,” I glanced at her sideways, “I sure hope it’s not 79 AD.”

“Is that when it happened? How do you even know that?”

“I told you I always liked that section of art history.”

“Hmm,” Elsa sighed. “Well how do we even figure it out? We can’t just ask someone. Do they even use that system right now? Like the AD and BC stuff?”

I shrugged. “I almost don’t even need to be told though, you know? Just by the way that smoke looked above the volcano… I have a bad feeling.” Elsa looked concerned too. “Maybe we could ask around to find out if it usually does that when there’s an earthquake here. We could get a sense for how much we need to panic.”

“That’s a good idea. And if it’s the worst case scenario, then there’s the question of, do we worry about evacuating or do we figure out how to get us the fuck back home before this place is history?”

Elsa rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I wish we had a clue how it happened. I don’t know how we’re getting back if we don’t know what sent us here in the first place.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “We should try to think back on everything that happened in those last few minutes we can remember.”

“Well, we were in that room with the… what was it? Pottery?”

“Mhmm,” I continued, “And you were kissing the life out of me until we bumped into something and it fell. Oh! I wonder if it was that vase I was looking at.”

“What vase?” Elsa asked.

I rubbed my head, “Think think think. Um, it was clay. It had people on it. Oh! And a mountain! A volcano! It had to be that vase. It must have been found in Pompeii, and when we broke it while we were making out, it sucked us into its original time. Or something like that.”

“Sure, that sounds about right for how today’s going,” Elsa said. “But then, why didn’t it come through with us? I didn’t see any clay fragments where we landed on that hill.”

“Me neither,” I frowned. “Or maybe it couldn’t come along because here in Pompeii it already exists! Maybe we just have to find where it is now and recreate what happened before.”

“There’s a thought…” Elsa said. “So we just have to search the entire city for a vase with a volcano and people on it.”

“That sounds fun! Can I help?”

Elsa and I both turned to the doorway, startled. How long had Cassia been standing there?

——————————————————————-

Too long. Cassia had been standing there too long, and she had as many questions for us as we had for her.

Before long she knew we were accidentally-time-traveling wives from almost two thousand years in the future and Pompeii was doomed; and we in turn knew it was indeed the 79th year, no the dark volcano clouds were not normal for an earthquake, and the entire city was already scrambling to evacuate. I had a terrible feeling that Elsa and I caused the earthquake through our rough landing, effectively dooming Pompeii. Also, Cassia was eight years old like I had guessed, had been living on her own since she was five and a half, and she wanted nothing more than to help us find the vase we needed.

“That’s really sweet of you,” I said, placing a hand on her arm, “But you have to promise that as soon as we find the right vase you’ll get yourself to safety.”

Cassia glanced to the side as she said, “Promise.”

I was a little concerned about the validity of that promise but decided I’d try again later. First we were off to a shop that sold souvenirs for all the rich vacationers that visited Pompeii.

It was a short walk until we made it into the more touristy, upscale part of the city. Here, everyone was running around like chickens with their heads cut off. In and out of homes, carrying personal possessions, yelling for neighbors, yelling at the sky.

We almost lost sight of Cassia several times but we managed to follow her to the shop she talked about. We ducked under the arched doorway into the small space. It was dark, and seemed to be usually lit by candles like the lonely one over to the side that hadn’t been extinguished. Elsa went to retrieve it for us.

Using the single flame to see, we wandered around the space as a little pack, checking out all kinds of little trinkets made from stone and clay. Many were volcano-related, but it all seemed so small compared to the vase I remembered.

“Cassia,” I said, “Do you think this place has any vases that are… this big?” I motioned my hands around to describe the size.

“Oh. Why didn’t you say so? This place has nothing that big, but it could be…” she tilted her head in thought. “Oh, it’s probably Oaken’s! Duh.”

More winding through the chaotic streets behind Cassia. This walk actually went very fast, and before we knew it we had arrived at another shop. This one was bigger and well-lit inside. We all walked in. I immediately noticed that there were many vases of a familiar style and size, making my heart leap in hope.

“Not open for business or looting!” A voice called from deep in the shop.

“We just have a question!” I yelled back. “It’s urgent!”

“And we mean no harm!” Elsa added.

The man grumbled as he made his way to us, accompanied by the sound of sandals crunching on clay shards. Poor guy must have lost some of his pottery to the earthquake earlier.

“What’s the question?” A very large man appeared from behind a display wall. “Oh Cassia, dear. Why didn’t you say you were here?”

Cassia was standing half behind me. Was she suddenly shy or something?

I spoke up, “Cassia led us here. We think you can help us. We’re looking for a certain vase. We… saw it on a recent vacation but didn’t buy it, and then…”

“Then later we realized we lost a ring,’ Elsa chimed in. “We think it might’ve fallen in this vase.”

The pottery man sighed, “Well that’s a long shot, but what did the vase look like?”

“It was about yay-big, and it depicted the volcano with people underneath,” I explained excitedly.

He raised an eyebrow, “That’s about half the vases I make. You know this is a tourist town at the base of a volcano.”

I thought harder. There was a chip of color I could almost see in my memory. “Um, well, it might’ve had a sort of turquoise color by the rim?”

“Oh!” The man stood up straight. “In that case, I know the exact vase. Unfortunately I sold it about six months ago. Real rich family. Their vacation home is at this address,” he scribbled onto a small stone. “I don’t think they’ve been in town the last few months. With all the chaos out there, nobody would notice if you slipped in to look for the ring. Just make it quick.”

Soon we were walking again. When we entered an empty alley I spoke up, “Hey Cassia, why were you so quiet back there?”

She turned to face us while she kept walking, backwards, “Oaken is nice, but I have to act shy and sad around the people with money, so they’ll feel bad and give me food. I learned pretty fast that they don’t care about a mouthy troublemaker as much as a helpless little girl.”

Wow. I couldn’t imagine having to learn something that depressing as a homeless five year old. Cassia was a strong kid, and she somehow managed to seem happy and nonchalant about her struggles.

Elsa looked around at the quiet homes we were walking between. “Why are some parts of the city so calm while other ones are in chaos?”

Cassia shrugged. “Only the richest people will get to evacuate in time. The rest of us have learned to stay in our homes and hope we make it through whatever comes. There’s no point in panicking around the city because we would never make it onto a ferry anyway.”

The rest of our walk was completed in silence. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for this girl. I wished there was some way we could help her before we (hopefully) escaped the city ourselves. Judging by the look on Elsa’s face, her heart was breaking for Cassia, too. I met Elsa’s eyes and we shared a look. We definitely had to do something for the girl.

Suddenly we were standing in front of a grand structure made of stone. It was no little hut; more like an ancient mansion. This was somebody’s vacation home? Jeez! These people in 79 AD sure knew how to live lavishly.

“Looks like he was right,” Elsa said. “There’s no one around.”

“Wow!” Cassia was already walking through the front door. “Check this out! They have a river in their house!”

Elsa and I stepped inside and saw what the kid meant. There was a decorative skinny pool of calm water that stretched in a line from the front room of the house to somewhere beyond the next doorway. Pompeii style skylights illuminated the open space with the ashy, dreariness of the sky above.

We passed the minimalist entry room into the next space. Here, there was a staircase to the left, a gathering area, and more doorways.

“Hey Cassia, why don’t you head upstairs and see if there’s any vases up there while we finish looking down here?”

“Okay!” the girl was excited by her solo mission and took off up the stone steps.

Once she was gone, I rushed to Elsa. “Come ‘ere, baby,” I said as we hugged each other close.

She let out a sigh of relief. “I was gonna lose it if we didn’t get to talk soon. Alone.”

“I know,” I said. “This is a lot to go through without being able to actually talk.”

She nodded. “About Cassia…” I knew exactly where she was going.

“We have to take her with us,” I finished.

“She has nowhere to run. If she’s left here she’ll be dead by tomorrow night.”

“I know, Els.” I grabbed her hands. “You don’t have to convince me. It’s what we have to do.”

Elsa continued, “And I’m not saying that we have to adopt her or anything, but I just want her to be safe. Once we’re back we can find somewhere for her to—”

“We are fucking raising that child, Elsa.” I interrupted.

“Oh thank god,” she said, as I pulled her in close once more. “Do you think we should tell her?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“What if she doesn’t want to come? We’re running out of time, so maybe we shouldn’t give her the option if she might fight it,” she explained. “This is the only way she’ll be safe but if she doesn’t want to leave Pompeii, there’s no way we could make her.”

“Given that she’ll have to hold onto us while we kiss and break the vase…” I added.

“Or we grab her at the last second.”

“Right,” I said. “Either way, you have a point. We shouldn’t give her the option in case she would choose to stay.”

Elsa’s face suddenly went pale as she pointed behind me. I turned to see Cassia standing with her arms crossed.

“If you two wanna have a kid you’re going to have to learn how to talk quieter. It’s so easy to eavesdrop on you!”

My mouth was stuck open while I tried to form words.

“What did you hear?” Elsa asked in a low voice.

Cassia’s demeanor changed from snarky to… almost shy. “Um… Well, if it helps you to know, I’d really like to go with you. Away from here. Please.”

“Of course,” I stepped forward and wrapped her up in a big hug.

“We’re going to get you out of here,” Elsa joined in. “And if you want, you never have to be lonely again.”

A soft voice came from the middle of the hug, “I’d like that.”

“Now let’s find that damn vase,” I said, pulling away from them.

“Language.” Elsa looked at me pointedly, with a glimmer in her eye.

Cassia laughed at Elsa. “I already know how to swear, weirdos.”

This kid was going to be an adventure.

——————————————-

A few minutes later, we found the vase in a bedroom. It was sitting on a side table near a window, which was actually just a square cut out of the wall. We were going to have to hurry with the way the sky was looking out there. I was not about to let us get buried in burning ash right after vowing to expand our family to include our new little Pompeii friend.

“Alrighty!” I said, clapping my hands together and rubbing my palms. “So… now what?”

“What did you do to get here?” Cassia said. “Kiss a bunch? Ew.”

Elsa cleared her throat. Yeah this was a little more awkward than I hoped.

“Um, yeah, so,” I began, “maybe you can stand right next to the vase here, Cass. And then Elsa and I will…” I glanced at my reddening wife, “do our thing, and when we bump into the vase, at the last second, you grab onto us.”

Cassia stared at me.

“Does that makes sense?” I asked. “We only have one shot at this.”

She blinked. “Oh. Yeah, that sounds easy. You just… you called me Cass.”

Shit. “Sorry, was that ok?” I grimaced.

“I like it,” she grinned. “I like it a lot.”

“Awesome!” Phew. I didn’t want to fuck things up with our kid before we even got home. “So, you stand right here and just ignore everything about what we’re doing except for where we are. Then grab us as soon as—”

“As soon as you hit the vase, yeah. Got it.” Cassia pushed us toward the doorway. “Go be gross.” Elsa and I stumbled over to the open entryway of the room. We ducked out of Cassia’s view for a moment.

We both leaned on the wall and took a second to breathe. I gazed over at Elsa. She had a lot of emotions running across her face; embarrassment, relief, worry. I took her hand, causing her to look at me. “Hey.” I said. “Whatever happens this time… we did everything in our power to fix things.”

“I know,” Elsa sighed. “There’s just so much to process. We probably caused the deaths of everybody here, but at least we could save one person - and that’s if this even works to send us all home, which if it doesn’t, means we’re all going to die the same fate, which maybe we deserve—!”

I cut her off with a kiss: short, but long enough to send my message. “Shhh babe. It won’t do any good to obsess over that right now. If we survive, we will absolutely be marching ourselves to therapy, but for right now, we gotta get in there and get our butts back home.”

She nodded, her shoulders relaxing a little as if some of the tension eased away.

“Now, you gonna kiss me or what?” I asked with a smirk.

——————————-

I flung my arm wildly about, searching for the bottle of Tylenol on my bedside table. Would that even be strong enough for the fierce pounding in my skull? Instead of my familiar nightstand, I felt cold linoleum floor. I blinked my eyes open. Dim yellow spotlights gave a soft glow in the dark space around me.

Oh.

It all came back, just like that. I rolled over and saw Elsa sprawled out next to me —why am I always the first to wake up?— and the small form of a girl just beyond her. Cassia! She was clothed in a very sensible t-shirt and leggings combo. Thank goodness she didn’t pop into the museum in her old tattered cloth.

It didn’t seem like anyone had noticed our little …blip, so I quickly slid my two girls across the floor to keep us out of view from the hallway. As I pulled Cassia by her wrists, I noticed the vase sitting on a podium, looking exactly as it had back in Pompeii. It had bright colors and no evidence that almost 2,000 years had passed, or that it had technically shattered twice. Huh. Isn’t that the weirdest thing?

I sat on the floor next to Elsa and Cass while they continued to sleep off their travels, and I wondered how the vase actually did what it did. Was it a magic vase? Did that guy Oaken know he made something so powerful? Did he make other enchanted pottery? Something told me I would never have the answers to those questions. I certainly wasn’t in any rush to go back and ask him. Nope, ancient time traveling wasn’t really my thing after all.

It wasn’t long before Elsa woke up, and Cassia wasn’t far behind. We probably should’ve prepared her a little for life in the 21st century, as the simple museum lightbulbs were freaking her out. Just you wait, little lady. You have no idea how much your world has changed!

Once we calmed her down a bit, Elsa and I held hands with Cass, and began walking out of the room that changed our lives. Well, we took a few steps anyway, before I halted.

“What’s that noise?” I asked. “That jangly noise?” It was coming from the kid. I raised my eyebrow at her.

Realization dawned on Cassia’s face as her hands found her pants pockets… and pulled out fistfuls of glittering jewelry. “Oops?” she said, nervously.

Elsa’s jaw dropped. “Did you take those from the mansion?”

“I found them upstairs,” Cassia said, looking down at her clean black tennis shoes. “It was all just laying there, and the world was ending.”

“It’s okay,” I said quickly, not wanting her to think we were upset. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I wondered if those pieces of jewelry had ever been recovered from the archeological site. I could see the headlines now: Priceless Ancient Pompeii Artifacts Vanish from Museum! I chuckled to myself, shaking my head.

“Hmm?” Elsa prompted.

“Ah, nothing,” I said with a smile. Then I pointed to the red, glowing Exit sign above a nearby doorway. “Hey, you wanna get out of here?”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #271

“some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses.”

Do you cook on the stove at all, or just microwave? I just use the microwave. I'm scared of the stove lmao. Do you ever debate religion with your friends? Bruuuh no. I am so disinterested in debating about something that to me ultimately doesn't matter yet humanity has made so serious. Whatever happens after we die, happens, there's that. Just be a decent human being and go out knowing you did your best to make the world better than when you entered it. Do you keep your shampoo in the shower or someplace else? In the shower. Something your mother said or did that shocked you: Like... recently? Or in my entire life? I dunno about recently, but I guess the most shocking to me was when she vehemently called my sister something I won't repeat. Did your mom go to college? She was before the cancer. Ready to graduate, too, but that didn't go as planned thanks to, y'know, cancer. Which food do you think you have the most cans of in your cupboard? Good question, no clue. I don't really pay attention to the canned foods. Maybe fruits? Do you save fortunes from fortune cookies? No. Are you offended when Christmas is spelled Xmas? Nah. Where do you put your keys when you come home? In my purse. Describe your favorite mug or glass to drink from? I don't have one. That I use, anyway. Sara gave me a Markiplier quote one that's a Holy Item on my shelf and instead of holding a beverage holds All My Love. Your bad habit that you love the most: UGH I hate how much I love soda. Invent a pop tart flavor: STORY TIME!!!! As a kid, there was this contest to design a type and you won like... a fucking huge supply of the newest flavor, which was at the time that wild berry whatever thing. My sister and I made one that I think I recall being pink with heart sprinkles and strawberry flavored, and we won. Guess who fucking hates the wild berry flavor now lmao. Okay but anyway if I was to invent one now... is there a BLUE raspberry flavor? Cuz a bitch loves blue raspberry flavored everything. Do you name your pets after tv/movie/book characters: Sometimes. I don't currently have a pet that is, though. Are you proud of yourself for what you've accomplished? The few things I actually have, sure? I'm more ashamed of what I haven't. Do you own any sexy lingerie? Nooooo no one would want to see me in that, least of all myself lmao. Have you ever caught a bouquet of flowers at a wedding before? No. Has a horse ever neighed at you before? Uhhh I don't think so? Do you prefer ice cream or sorbet? Ice cream. Have you gotten your pets spayed? My cat is. That's like... the only pet we ever have fixed, sadly. My parents/Mom (depending on time period) could just never afford it. The only real reason we managed to get Roman neutered was because our sister directed us to a cheap on-the-go business where it was like... only $45, and Roman was marking the house badly so it was pretty urgent. Would you ever take in a stray animal? HA, that is the STORY of my family with cats. At this current time, most likely not. We don't need another pet right now, nevermind one of a mysterious background with my mom being sick. When is payday? N/A Have you ever walked on a runway before? No. How long is your workday? N/A Is there a walkway or a pathway to your front door? No. What is your favorite color? What is your least favorite color? Pink is superior to all colors. I'm really not a puke-green fan, but I mean... is anyone? What color dominates your wardrobe? Everything is B L A C K. What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. Are you colorblind, or do you know anyone who is? I'm not, but Jason's brother is colorblind to I think red and blue? Do you prefer color photos or black-and white? It greatly depends on the composition and subject matter of the photograph. I find great beauty in both. If I had to pick though, color usually appeals to me more. Are you one of those people who can taste, feel, or smell colors? No. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? Yes. Do you enjoy coloring? It tends to be my least-favorite part of the art process because that's where I always fuck shit up. Do you know anyone who is racist? Oh my, PLENTY. Welcome to the South. Are your nails painted any color(s) right now? They never are. Can you lift more than 100lbs? I probably CAN, but it would be very hard. What's your opinion on incest? It's fucking repulsive. Morally and negative from a scientific standpoint, anyway. Do you have a favorite color for cats? Orange. What video games did you play when you were younger? I was a massive gamer as a kid, teenager too, so I could put a hell of a lot here. But, I'll just imagine you're referring to when I was quite young. The Spyro games (save for Skylanders) were my LIFE, I loved Nintendogs, the Crash Bandicoot trilogy, lots of games that were based on movies (like Madagascar and Finding Nemo are two I really enjoyed), uhhh... OH! And absolutely weird, but I loved hunting games. Like, I had a whooole lot, despite hating real life hunting even as a child. I think it was because I got to see wild animals, plus it could be calming to wander and scary, too, when things like wolves found you. Oh, and then there were fishing games, too. LOOK I just love(d) games. Would you ever get a tramp stamp? I hate that nickname. Having a tattoo literally anywhere does not equate you to a stereotype. Yes, because I want to be heavily tattooed anyway. Did you cry when Michael Jackson died? No. Not that I didn't care at all, I just wasn't a giant fan. What's the ugliest species of animal? Lmao how mean. The blobfish immediately comes to mind, though. Looks like a ball of mucus shaped into an old man's face. Are you embarrassed about any songs on your iPod? I used to be, now it's just like whatever. I like what I like. What do you use to listen to music on the computer? YouTube. Do people know a lot about you? Places on the Internet sure do lmao. I try to be much more private now online to a degree, depending on where. Irl, no. I'm too easily embarrassed/afraid of being judged for what makes me, me. Who was the last person you slept beside? Sara. Do you like Metallica? They're one of my all-time favorites and I trust NOBODY who claims to hate them. What's your favorite kind of soup? I'm not a fan of soup. What’s your best friend's favorite band? Her all-time favorite is Pink Floyd. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Ummm idr. Do you play Guitar Hero? Not really anymore, but I fuckin slayed that shit back in the day. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. Who was the last person to come to your house? My younger sister. What time do you usually eat dinner? Anywhere between 5:30 to like... 7:00 or so. Have you ever searched your own house on Google Earth? Not this current one, no. Does it bother you when people have a loose grip on hugs? No? Some people don't like hugs. Are you looking forward to next year? I don't know. Is covid gonna be history by then? It depends on a lot of things. What have you done so far this summer? *blink blink blink* What's your favorite punk band? Honestly, I don't even really separate bands by genres now because I don't know. There's so so many, plenty overlap, etc. etc, and people - especially those who enjoy rock/metal stuff, I've found - get all snobbish and "WELL ACTUALLY" when you "misgenre" or whatever. Which is better: cold or hot weather? COLD. FUCK hot weather. Anything above ~75*F is disgusting. Is photography something you enjoy? I'm an aspiring photographer so like- What’s the best flavor snow cone? I haven't had a legit snow cone in years... but we have a place called Pelican's Snowballs, which is really just like... snow cones in a cup? They are A M A Z I N G and strawberry is to die for. When driving, are you a speed demon or do you drive like your grandmother? I don't drive because I'm terrified to. Have you ever met someone who just had you at hello? No. Bet you were expecting "Jason," but no, I was weirded out that a stranger just comes up to me in the hall on the way to class and starts talking to me. Have you ever written poetry? Yeah. Do you have any addictions? Technology, ugh. And soda, rip. When was the last time you just laid and looked at the stars? Laid, many years ago one summer when Jason and I were just lying on the trampoline while my dad was grilling. What song reminds you of an ex? A lot. What color eyeliner do you prefer? Black. What was the last thing that you made with your own two hands? Like, made from scratch? Hell if I know. What’s the deepest water you will wade into? Like, shoulder-deep in the ocean. How many blades does your razor have? Three, I think? Highest grade of education you’ve completed? Just one semester of college. Lowest grade you’ve received on a test? Yikes, Fs in college math. He taught in such an abstract way that I failed like... every test, or nearly did. I was too afraid to ask questions continuously. Do you enjoy sitting in the sun or the shade more? There is NO situation where I would rather be in the sun. Do you enjoy going to arcades? Hell yeah. What parades do you like to go to? None. When’s the last time you went on a tirade? I ranted to Mom about the fucking ridiculous anti-maskers that are a big reason this motherfucking pandemic is worsening in America. With my mom being immunocompromised, it is something I take VERY goddamn seriously. It's not a difference in opinion - it's a difference in morality. Do you like to play charades? I loved to as a kid. Now it'd feel weird. Would you ever lead a crusade? I wouldn't want to lead anything. Have your parents ever forbade you from doing something? Aha, so as a kid, I had a game demo disc that showed the preview to Parasite Eve, and my sisters and I would secretly watch it despite it scaring us to where Mom did forbid us to click on it. And all these years later, I've played it and love it... ha ha. Otherwise, my parents have always been pretty open to letting us do stuff, save for things the usual parent doesn't like, like swearing. When’s the last time someone said something degrading to you? A few days back when I got into an argument on Facebook about some asshole teasing their newly-hatched cobra to where it kept striking at the tongs, hood flared and all. Apparently I had no idea what I was talking about, pointing out the snake was clearly stressed out. What’s the last homemade dish you’ve made? I legit haven't cooked a thing since Sara was here and I made her eggs for breakfast. Which was like, a year ago. Do you like lemonade? What flavor(s)? Broooo YES. Pink lemonade is better, but I enjoy just the classic kind, too. Has anyone ever serenaded you before? Fuck this question. Would you like to visit the Everglades? Lemme see them motherfuckin GATORS. Have you ever attended a masquerade ball before? No. Would be dope, though. Have you lost anyone to AIDS? No, thank god. Have you ever been paid for sex? Hell no. Have you ever had a maid in your home before? HUNNY we are too poor for that shit. Do you know how to do different types of braids in hair? No. When’s the last time you wore a Band-aid? Where and why? I have no clue. When was the last time you were afraid? Of what? A family friend was over here a couple days ago and she had this weirdest muscle cramp in her leg that brought her to the floor gasping for like over a minute. I was super scared, and Mom was too, as we had no idea what to do. I almost had to call 911. Crazy woman hasn't gone to the doctor about it, to my knowledge. Would you ever consider growing your hair out to your waist, or longer? NOOOO NO NO. I am probably having short hair for the rest of my life. Is there anywhere in your house that you're scared to be alone in? No. What is your favorite shoe brand? I don't have one. What weird things did you do as a small child? I was just a weird kid in general. I did a lotta stuff that would make people raise a brow. Who puts the most pressure on you in your life? My goddamn self. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments? Hell no, I turn red as a cherry and probably cry once I'm in private. Do you have a favourite actor/actress? If so, who? No. Do you like little kids, or do they annoy you? I feel uncomfortable around them. They're too brutally honest, I feel like every move I make is wrong, and I just generally feel incapable of handling them properly. Do you want a small or a large family when you get older? Well, I don't want any kids, so... Are you a good dancer? If not, do you enjoy dancing anyways? No and no. I'd be embarrassed. Have you ever lied to avoid getting into trouble? Yeah. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I'd say two weeks is pretty long, and I was supposed to stay an entire month. I only got out of that by going to court. Do you take a lot of pictures of yourself, or are you camera shy? I HATE being in front of the camera. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? I just like ketchup, mustard, and pickles, really. A bit of diced onion is fine, too. I prefer gas; I hate the charcoal-y taste. You are chosen to have lunch with the president. the condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask? Fuck that, I'd decline going to begin with. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? Popcorn, of course. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email? Pop-up ads. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding? N/A What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Probably like, wrestling. Golf. Sports in general. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? I haven't tried it yet. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? I always just use chocolate syrup. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? CHRIST, TRAFFIC. Elevators kinda scare me and I'm very scared of being stuck in one. What are you sitting on right now? My bed. Are you listening to anything? Halocene's cover of "Killing In The Name." Have you parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Who was the last person to give you money? I have no idea. Have you ever dreamed of someone you barely know? Actually yeah. Weird as hell. When was the most recent time, if ever, that you felt “impostor syndrome,” or that you felt unqualified to be somewhere? Hm. I suppose when I went to the doctor by myself for my foot. I'd never done an appointment without Mom at all, and I was veeery clueless to a lot of steps, questions, etc. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Some TV shows, I guess. Or games, even. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? No. I was expected to always be doing something. I'd consider that to be pretty unlucky, as it sounds boring and pointless. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I don't know. Mom has admitted me yelling has scared her before, though. I can yell pretty fucking loudly. But she herself never felt threatened. And do I think I could be seen as scary? Yes. Especially given my chronic fucking nightmares that almost always involve confrontation. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) I am VERY much a "words of affirmation" person. I NEED reassurance that I'm adequate and sincerely loved. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I become very snappy and more reclusive than usual. I cry really easily. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? It depends on what it is, but I've generally needed to wean myself off of things when necessary. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I am very turned off by animal breeds/types that are subject to serious health issues, such as pugs, dachsunds, Persians, spider ball pythons... Just don't fucking breed them. Ironically, some of these are the cutest, but I care far more about the health of the animal. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yes and yes. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't believe so, no. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Getting a job, for Heaven's sake, and actually managing to keep it. I've proven inept in this area so far, so, I've already failed that. :^) If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? Jason and I kinda casually talked about kids early in our relationship, at which time I didn't see myself wanting them at all and he did at some point. It didn't really bother either of us, though; it was something we'd figure out if we actually got anywhere. Then he became the only person I could ever imagine myself having kids with. Life's funny.

[rovvboat]

What Are Those? - Colossus x Reader

*Requested by the wonderful @emma-frxst - Prompt: What Are Those?*

A/N: henlo!! I know the request was for about something that piotr doesn’t know about / something he doesn’t know how to say in English - but i couldn’t come up with anything ;-; B U TTT it made me think of one specific thing which is kinda unique!! - I’ll attach a picture of it at the bottom ;)) and if any of you readers wanna try it, you could possibly get it from a local store!! 

Really hope you enjoy it! :)

Word count: 1.4k

Summary: There’s a suspicious surprise at the front door from reader, and Wade and Colossus love it. 

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‘’Listen, we don’t want these hairy-looking balls. I like that they’re red, but they’re much too hairy for my liking. How is anyone supposed to eat these anyway?’’

You wake up to the sound of Wade bickering with someone at the front door.

‘’Sir, this delivery is for Mr/Ms. Y/L/N. Are they home right now?’’ you hear a familiar voice ask calmly. You quickly get up off the bed and rifle through the closet, looking for your robe. You find the pastel pink cloak and cover yourself with it – securing it with a knot at your waist. You tiptoe back to the bed and lean over Colossus, still sound asleep, and place a kiss on his cheek. Just as you turn around to leave, a hand finds yours and gently tugs at you. You stop and look back as Colossus rises from the bed; stretching out his free hand and bringing it over his mouth to cover a yawn

‘’Good morning, keesa (kitten). Where are you off to?’’

You take a step closer to him as he wraps his arm around your waist. ‘’It’s a surprise.’’ You whisper into his ear before walking towards the door. He smiles at your figure, as you disappear into the hallway.

You trod down the steps as Wade and the delivery man were still arguing about the delivery.

‘’Listen here Mr. Hair Balls Delivery, I have no idea what these are and I have no intention of claiming responsibility for them – even though I would love to. But this is quite clearly a prank, and Wade Wilson does not fall for – ‘’

‘’Ah, Mr. Wilson! I’ve heard many stories about you… Y/N has spoken – ‘’

‘’Hey there, Michael! Is that for me?’’ You ask the delivery man as you take the last step down the stairs.

‘’Michael? So, you’re on a first name basis with the hairy balls man?’’ Wade quips. Michael gives Wade an amused look, then looks back to you and laughs.

‘’Hiya Y/N! Yeap! And I now have had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Wilson as well.’’ He said with a nod to Wade. He lifts the crate and makes his way into the kitchen. It’s filled with ping-pong sized fruits, each of them coloured a bright shade of red with greenish, soft hair-like projections.

They were exactly what the doctor ordered.

You sign the delivery form on the clipboard as Michael helps bring the crate into the kitchen and places it onto the countertop. ‘’These are fresh from the greenhouse. Mr. Jones made sure that you got the freshest pick of the day.’’ He says proudly.

You say a quick thank you to him and he tips his hat at you; ‘’Nice meeting you Mr. Wilson!’’ He calls out before hurrying out the front door back to his van.

‘’Are you fucking kidding me? You really ordered all this?’’ Wade asks in disbelief. ‘’Sorry missy, the only hairy balls I like are– ‘’

‘’Wade, no, please. These are for the kids.’’

‘’WHAT? For the children?’’ Wade exclaims with his hands on his cheek.

‘’What is all this ruckus about?’’ A heavy accent floats into the room.

‘’Hey, Colossus! Your girlfriend’s making us eat these… hairy balls!’’ He accuses dramatically, pointing at the crate. ‘’Please make her stop!’’

Colossus steps into the kitchen – surprisingly, in his human form – and gives you a little kiss on the cheek, before pouring himself a hot cup of coffee. He spots the crate, overflowing with the red berries.

‘’What are those, myshka?’’ he asks, a kind of inquisitive concern plastered on his face. You laugh at that look.

‘’They’re just fruits, bub. And God knows Wade needs more of those in his damn system.’’

‘’These are… fruits? I have never seen such… unique looking fruits before.’’

‘’They aren’t native to America. I found them at a local market in Asia while I was on a mission there! They’re exquisite!’’ You reply.

Both Colossus and Wade look bemused at this statement. You let out a light whine.

‘’Listen, I thought they were weird too. But I saw a bunch of kids eating them and they looked pretty happy with it! I tried one and it was so sweet and fleshy and it felt more like sweet treat than fruits! You gotta trust me on this.’’ You implore.

‘’Fine. But if I choke on these hairy motherfuckers, I’m burning the whole crate.’’ Wade exclaims.

He plucks one of the berries off its stem and inspects it. He sniffs it before opening his mouth, slowly bringing the fruit – thick dense skin and all – towards his gaping mouth.

‘’NO, WADE. Not like that, you moron! You gotta open up the skin first. Like this –’’

You grab one of the rambutans, or mamon chino as they’re called in central America, and skillfully place your thumbs onto the equator of the berry. You apply some pressure, pulling it apart from the ends, revealing its white, translucent flesh. You take it out and show it to the boys.

‘’This right here, is the main event, my compadres. There’s a seed in there. You’re supposed to eat around it, but it’s big enough that you can bite around it while it’s in your mouth! You gotta make sure to throw away the seed though.’’ You present the berry to Wade, who by now is a lot less puzzled and open to eating the much more innocent looking white fleshy berry. He pops it into his mouth and carefully bites on it.

‘’Ho-ly fucksicles, thes-e ah-ren’t hh-alf bad!’’ He says between eating and sucking on the berry. ‘’And they’re this sweet? Bring on the diabetes!’’

You look at him, happy that he’s enjoying the foreign berry. You turn to Colossus, who’s still sipping on his coffee.

‘’Your turn, big boy.’’ You say to him with a smirk. You pick out a bright red berry, nice and ripe – some mildew still on it, adding that much more to its allure – and split it open clean. You present the fleshy berry, still cradled in the half-open skin. He gently takes it out of the leathery casing, and bites a little off the berry.

‘’C’mon Piotr! You’re not getting the full experience here! Put it in your mouth and suck on it!’’

You immediately regret saying it as you hear Wade bellow into laughter.

‘’You probably hear that pretty often, don’t ya Coco?’’ He looks from Colossus, to you. ‘’Wow, way to bring your bed room talk public, Y/N! If you wanted me to join you, you could’ve just asked me straight up, no need to tease.’’

You bring a palm to your face, embarrassed by what’s happened. Colossus gently places a hand on your arm, and you look up to him. He puts the berry into his mouth and closes it; and his eyes widen.

‘’I know better than to doubt your tastes, kisa.’’ He says, clearly pleased with how nice this new fruit tastes.

‘’That was the surprise! See, these are great when you peel them and leave them in the fridge. They’d be a great substitute for ice-cream. I know you’ve been talking about getting the X-kiddos to eat more fruits and I think that if we put like little wooden picks into them, they’d look like round mini-popsicles! And, and – ‘’ you open the fridge to look at all the other fruits inside– ‘’We could also put all the other fruits onto them…’’ You ramble on excitedly as Colossus watches you, neither of you noticing Wade pick out half the fruits from the crate and sneak out of the kitchen.

Colossus wraps his arm around your waist and slowly pulls you to him. Your body twists around as your eyes meet his gaze; tender and warm all over. You tilt your head at him.

‘’What are you looking at?’’ you say with a smile.

‘’The most beautiful soul in the world. ty moye sokróvishche – you are my treasure.’’

Your face turns red within seconds, you look away for a moment, clearly flustered as Colossus laughs. ‘’It is fun seeing you embarrassed. But what I say is from my heart, lyubímaya (beloved)’’

He’s still holding onto you, and you take this chance to pull him in – allowing your lips to meet in a gentle kiss as your hand finds his cheek, and your thumb leaves strokes on the light stubble of his face.  

You slowly break the kiss, and when you take a quick look behind Colossus, you see half the crate’s contents missing.

‘’Oh my God. WADE!’’ You holler after him, spotting a trail of berry stems leading out of the kitchen. You follow the trail looking for Wade, and suddenly you get a fuzzy feeling in your chest and smile, as you detect a hint of coffee and sweet berry on your tongue.

[timmisny]

ok so normally i don’t do this kind of thing, cuz i think it excludes people and i don’t think people actually care what i have to say, but i’d do literally anything for @awkward-penguin-in-a-trenchcoat , who tagged me in this post. their reactions are fire. but anyway... here ya go

tea or coffee (it’s caffeinated, i’ll fuckin drink it)

early bird or night owl (um? is there like an option for always half awake at all hours of the day)

chocolate or vanilla (cuz i’m not a fucking heathen)

spring or fall (um. winter?)

silver or gold (hey if you’re gonna give me some, i’ll take whatever)

pop or alternative (um neither? i mean, if i had to choose, i’d go with alternative because i miss the 90’s- a time in which i was not alive- but overall i’m a 70’s bitch)

freckles or dimples (my inner shirley temple is screaming at me right now, but like, come on guys. i’m motherfucking irish)

snakes or sharks (long, slimy/wet dangerous things that can kill me? yeah no thanks)

mountains or fields (mountain fields.)

thunderstorm or lightning (i need both to fit my edgelord aesthetic)

egyptian or greek mythology (rick riordan wrote both so i mean? you expect me to choose?)

ivory or scarlet (ivory is animal cruelty and i was never a big fan of gone with the wind)

flute or lyre (oh bitch please. fucking give me nymph seducing me with berries on a warm summer morning, the dew drops clinging to the grass as we dance harmoniously with pan)

opal or diamond (i mean, opal is my birthstone, but i’m not a big fan of my birth. the diamond industry is corrupt as fuck but again, i’m not going to not accept a gift)

butterflies or honeybees (what the fuck do butterflies even do? sit around and look pretty? bitch if u don’t show my fuzzy, fat lil fucks some love for giving u food, then u don’t deserve them)

macaroons or eclairs (tbh, never had a macaroon. but why would i want one when i could have a cream-filled heart attack with chocolate diabetes sauce on top?)

typewritten or handwritten (omg don’t fuck with my calligraphy aesthetic)

secret garden or secret library (ok well this depends. like, in this secret garden, are there a couple bodies buried with some key to a storage locker in italy that holds nothing but a strange deck of cards? or this library, can i find a book of spells that will allow me to open a portal to hell?)

rooftop or balcony (oh god yes. let me be a young, careless john green character with nothing left to lose but my virginity)

spicy or mild (if you’re talking about my fanfiction. my food is a different story)

opera or ballet (fuck. give me some andrew lloyd webber and a bottle of champagne)

vincent van gogh or claude monet (don mclean just gives me feels oml. also cas was listening to this one time in like season 7 of spn)

denim or pleather (i’m a punk, but also a soft farmer)

potions or spells (u gotta have some pretty fuckin weird shit to make potions. like every recipe calls for like, three human eyeballs, dead snake skin, the sands of time and the cries of ur loved ones. and then u have to drink it? fuck no)

ocean or desert (you ever get that feeling, like when ur swimming, that u don’t know what the fuck is underneath u? also, why the fuck would i want to visit a desert. there’s nothing there. that’s why it’s a desert)

mermaids or sirens (sorry do you have a danger kink?)

masquerade ball or cocktail party (as much as i want to be a 1920’s flapper dancing with good ol’ charlie because he thinks i’m a fabulous dame, sorry. i want to meet the love of my life at a ball and then disappear into oblivion as he frantically searches to find the face he’ll never recognize)

[hersecretfanficiton]

03: Man Up

Mijo.

I had just finished my work for today with Black Pyramid when I got a text from Chris saying meet him at the crib. After grabbing some food, I headed over to his house. “Yoo” I yelled through the house as I looked around.

“Uncle Mi!” I heard my Sa’mai yelled in excitement as she ran up to me.

“Munchkin” I smiled scooping her in my arms, carrying her to the living room where Chris sat watching cartoons. “Sup bro” I shook his hand, before sitting next to him. He looked focused and confused, like something heavy was on his mind but he couldn’t explain it.

“You need to talk with Sabrina” he mumbled.

“What? No the fuc-“

“Yes the fuck you do!” he snapped. “Nigga this shit almost cost me my marriage, I’ve been lying to my wife for weeks now and I got this ugly motherfucker lying saying I’m fooling’ with Sabrina because I’m helping her out”

“Wait … why you helping her?”

“She’s the mother of my niece and she didn’t move back here, she only came back so you could spend time with Alana which you haven’t done. I just pay the hotel bill”

“Nobody asked you to though”

I should learn how to shut up sometimes, Chris snapped.

“Nigga that’s family, Sabrina always been family! You forgot? Nigga yall both made Alana, not just her. You acting like she wants you, nigga she don’t and never did. She just wants Alana to know her father; you lucky she hasn’t to you to court; you acting like a real bitch right now bro, for real” he yelled smacking my hat off my head and storming to the kitchen.

I took a deep breath, letting his words sink in and he was right. Sabrina doesn’t deserve this and neither does Alana. Back in the day I had the biggest crush on Sabrina, she was so close to our family because her mom was like my aunt. I, she and Chris all grew up together. We didn’t start fooling around until high school, we took each other virginities. After the first time we agreed to stay friends but to keep having sex as a secret, she only told her best friend and I only told Chris.

Before she left to Texas we had a long time and expressed how much we cared for one another but only as friends, she even knew about my feelings for Jaz and told me to pursue her.

When she hit me up and told me she was pregnant I just asked if the baby was mine and it pissed her off, I went to all the doctors’ appointments via ft and even flew out a few times, she did tell me she’d come back so that Alana could be born in the same city as us and I was there for that too. I even named her. Crazy right? Why would I be there then leave? Because I didn’t know how Jaz would accept it and just thinking about it makes my heart ache, I chose my girlfriend over my daughter. Fuck kind of man am I? I fucking coward that’s who. I loved my daughter more than life itself and I have to fix it.

I walked in the kitchen. “You right and I know I have to fix it, I just don’t know how” I shrugged.

“First talk to Sabrina, she’s only here for another week before she heads back to Texas and then two weeks after that its Alana-“

“I know, her birthday” my baby girl is about to be three years old and knowing I missed two birthdays kills me.

“Oh and you have to explain everything to Jaz. Alana is a blessing, not a secret” I nodded and reached in for a hug. “Love you man, you got this” I nodded and said goodbye before heading back home. Jaz was out with Ariana, so I was going to call Sabrina and try to start to fix things.

  Sabrina.

I was lying in bed, watching tv when my phone started to ring. I quickly grabbed it so it wouldn’t wake up Alana. ‘Unknown’ I mumbled to myself with a confused face. I pressed the green button and was met with his voice. “Please don’t hang up” he pleaded.

I wasn’t upset with Barry, just disappointed. I understand that me being pregnant wasn’t a part of the plan and I will never say or discredit him for being there for me when I was pregnant and constantly flying back and forth, however; he disappeared from her life and I haven’t received a call or text in two years. Our daughter will be three and she doesn’t know him which isn’t my fault.

“Yes Barry”

“Can we meet and talk … please?”

“Sure, where?”

“Ice cream shop it’s about ten minutes from your hotel”

“Okay, see you soon” I hung up and went to grab Alana.

----

“I know that I’ve fucked up and I’m a coward for leaving after she was born, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me. And no excuse will ever be good enough, I’m just begging that you will allow me into her life now and I swear on my life, I’ll never leave it again”

I just nodded, taking everything in. I always thought about this moment and now that it’s here, I’m happy for Alana. I just want her to have a great relationship with her dad. Just like I do with mine.  “Okay, I’ll let you win but I have a few rules” he nodded.

“Alana is not a secret, so you have to tell jasmine. Second, she can stay the night if she’s comfortable but not in the same bed as you two, that’s weird. Lastly, if Jasmine wants to spend alone time with her, we must meet first”

My rules weren’t crazy, but I was a mother and even though Jaz seemed sweet, I still wanted to meet the woman who’d be around my daughter.

“Okay, that’s fine” he agreed and we shook on it. For the remainder of the evening he played with Lana and we took her to the playground, she loved every minute of it and I think she knew who Berry was even after all this time. After she was born I also made him do skin to skin contact with her, she must have recognized his heart beat and voice.

Jaz.

As I walked in the house from a long day of relaxing with my best friend, I see Mijo sitting on the couch with his head between his lap and his hands covering his face. His body language alone told me that something was wrong.

“Babe, you okay? Did something happen today?”

“Yeah and Jaz everything im about to tell you is nothing but the truth. I just ask that you don’t hate me after and hopefully we can everything out’ I nodded. “It’s about my daughter … Alana”