#i found an old fanfic draft and was rereading it

[multi-lefaiye]

i think with all creative skills and hobbies, it's easy to think that you're not improving or not recognize your growth as a creator. when you're continually moving forward, it's hard sometimes to see how far you've come.

which is why i think it's super important to save your past work, even if just for yourself. it's important for other reasons, too, but if you're ever feeling down about what you're doing now... i think it can help to look back at where you were before and put it into perspective.

[eroguron0nsense]

Funger 2 Character Meta: Henryk Klimkov is a Gay Ass Loser

So I've been desperately browsing the Daanryk tag and rereading the few available fanfics, and I've been thinking a lot about Henryk and what makes him so weirdly compelling to me and everyone else who shares in my obsession. There's the obvious factor of the "Blonde Man Who Likes to Cook" archetype and the fact that pathetic men make me weak in the knees, but superficially he comes across as a little underbaked/unexceptional compared to the rest of the cast, especially the player characters. He's not a poorly defined character by any means, but he's also the character with the least loaded backstory or preexisting baggage; Miro himself has described Henryk as an everyman and probably the most boring/realistic contestant (besides his unhinged murdering tendencies that get awakened in the festival, which we will get into).

As far as we know, Henryk's backstory is fairly nondescript. He's a creative spirit who wanted something more out of life than stagnating in his parents tavern, and chased a series of failed dreams before discovering a talent for cooking and returning home to help with the family business. There's some intrigue around him that merits reading into, (secretive when you meet him at the train, a prior connection to–or at least awareness of–Caligura => some familiarity with organized crime in the Vatican, apparent absence from the battlefield in the midst of a world war => draft dodger???) but other than that, all we know is that he's a 32 year old line cook and failed artist who, despite having found a real pride and passion in what he does, is defined by having a suffocated soul and the deep-seated insecurity and dissatisfaction that comes with that. It's hard not to listen to his dialogue in the restaurant and think that he's entirely happy with his situation; he's not lying about finding pride and joy and inspiration in what he does, but he alludes to experiencing a LOT of rejection in his efforts to make art before that and before he discovered his true talent in their kitchen, he'd returned home to his parents with his tail between his legs. When he talks about wanting to be anything other than an average Joe, anything other than what he was and still is, I can't help but wonder if he's just a little bit haunted by those failures.

Henryk's characterization is a little complicated, in that his values change drastically under duress. The general agreement seems to be that he's a mostly? decent person besides the shameless sexual harassment: he does genuinely want to help the other passengers, and (in a really telling character moment) he risks his life standing up to Caligura knowing full well what kind of man he is to try and protect the group. Still, the Moon makes a monster out of him if you don't play your cards right: he's more prone to paranoia than the rest of the cast and is one of the first to succumb to Moonscorching, and given the chance/in a moment of panic, he'll kill half the cast in a deranged attempt at self preservation. His most prominent characteristic is his desire for approval, especially with regard to his cooking, and reading his mind lets us know that he really just wants to be liked and respected.

The Gentleman arguably gives us a lot more information to work off of than most of what Henryk tells us about himself, although making inferences about a character based on their Moonscorch inevitably leads into extreme speculation. It's important when analyzing Moonscorched beings to remember that they're not necessarily accurate reflections of their former selves, but rather the most malicious possible interpretation of their flaws and anxieties: Abella's true nature is a far cry from anything exemplified by the Chaugnar, Levi is far more than a mindless, weeping human weapon, and Henryk is NOT the Gentleman. I've seen people describing The Gentleman as Henryk's idealized vision of himself, and I do agree with some aspects of this (Henryk wants to be distinguished, wants status, has been stuck in service positions for a long time and likely emulates or idealizes certain characteristics of the Upper Crust), but going off of those few moments of genuine altruism and bravery we're treated to before Henryk's sanity truly degrades during the festival, everything cruel or violent that the Gentleman does isn't reflective of his actual desires and would probably horrify him. It contains aspects of his desires and his character flaws, certainly, but he's not the sort of person who wants to take pleasure in anyone else's suffering. Still, the Gentleman's indulgence and violent tendencies are indicative of the suffocation and dissatisfaction that Henryk feels; it's a hedonistic power fantasy gone horribly wrong and twisted beyond recognition by an evil Eldritch Moon God.

(Also worth noting that in the dialogue with The Mayor/Gentleman, when he presents you with one of the weird phallic menu items and you answer that it makes you think of family, he gets upset and says that we "don't talk about family" at this table. I don't doubt that Henryk loves them, but maybe, just maybe, the man who had to go home and ask for a job from his parents to make ends meet took a bit of shit from them for thinking he was better than what he was born into and running off with delusions of grandeur/failing.)

This is purely Fanon, but interpreting Henryk as either comphet or a closeted bisexual actually conforms really well to what we know about his character and the period it's based on. His casual misogyny can be read as an effort to perform an exaggerated, crude heterosexual masculinity at Abella's expense, i.e. overcompensating for his queerness, or at least for some kind of insecurity in his status/masculinity. His actions as the Gentleman (and to a lesser extent as himself) point to both a preoccupation with sex and a lot of bizarre repressed energy that get warped by the Moon into perverse libertine horny cannibalism; he literally serves the player a severed penis on a plate, and while Moonscorched Beings aren't actually reflections of a character's true self, it's hard to look at what the Gentleman says and does and not conclude that Henryk pre-moonscorch has Cock on the brain. This is a massive stretch, but the Gentleman being coded as some kind of degenerate being unfettered by social and moral convention and indulging in genuinely perverse pleasures could also be a reflection of Henryk being repulsed by his own relatively harmless desires and seeing them as something disgusting that needs to be repressed, only for them to be brought forward and distorted beyond recognition by Rher's gaze.

Anyway TLDR: Henryk hates himself and that makes him relatable. He's a failed artist with a lot of deeply repressed feelings and a tendency toward paranoia, he's horny all the time, he craves affirmation and respect, he's deeply insecure, and while he's started to find a real talent and passion through food/cooking at the age of 32 and has a number of wonderful qualities, he still wishes he was someone more distinguished or well-regarded than who he actually is. And since I too am someone actively failing at fulfilling my creative dreams, trying to figure out what I'm actually good at, desperate for external validation, and feeling my 20s slipping away from me every goddamn day, I can latch onto the anxieties I share with this pathetic fucking man and project onto him.

He's also probably a closet case and damn if that doesn't hurt to think about.

[deepbutdazzlingdarkness]

I think @kennyomegasweave tagged me in this OTP meme like...months ago? And I just found it half-finished in my drafts and decided to actually get it done.

1. What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care anymore? 20s, not my teens, but I used to be utterly obsessed with Jack/Kent from Check Please and now, IDEK what happened. I still love them, but I have old fic I saved and never read and can't bring myself to care anymore. IDK it makes me sad.

2. Which ship would you consider your first one? Hmm probably Betsy/Joe from the Betsy Tacy series or Anne/Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables? My first ships when I actually got into fandom were Sawyer/Kate and Sara/Grissom from CSI.

3. Your first fanfic belonged to which couple? Magnus/Alec!!! I never thought I would write fic and then I watched season 1 of Shadowhunters and banged out (lol) 7 fics and almost 30k of porn in less than 2 months in 2016. They all have an insane number of hits (like. the highest has 54,878 hits and the lowest has 15,836 hits.........) and I still get kudos on them almost every day, it's wild.

4. Do you remember the first couple you saw a fanart over? Genuinely no idea, but the first one in my fan art tag is Katniss/Peeta from 2012 <3

5. Did you ever get into ship discourse? My first instinct whenever I see someone talk about something I don't like is to mute/block, so perhaps not actively, but I'm sure I have at some point.

6. Did you used to have any no-otp or have it currently? LOL. Yes. I still fucking HATE Jack/Kate from Lost and always will. Also Dan/Blair from Gossip Girl. Lately...I'm such a multi-shipper but I gotta say Kate/Anthony from Bridgerton bc I've genuinely had to restrain myself from bitching about how much I hate them SO many times since s3 came out lol.

7. Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read? I finished a rewatch of Beyond Evil last night so I've been rereading some of my old bookmarks bc I've read almost everything that's out there 😔. Shout out to the masterpiece simple & clean by whir.

8. Currently, do you have any OTPs? So many!!! Taemin/Kai is still my #1, but also Juwon/Dongsik from Beyond Evil, PatPran from Bad Buddy (it took me several episodes to actually get into the show but once I did I cried...so much over them and how much they love each other LOL), KunTen from WayV, Louis/Lestat...I feel kinda bad that I don't have a major current f/f OTP but I'm literally checking my kpop tags multiple times a week for rule 63 fic and most of my current WIPs are rule 63 f/f so there's that. (Two KunTen including what hopefully is gonna be a long one, plus a Jigyu I started yesterday for a fest that I'm hoping I'll be able to get done - not because of the length, but because I've never written Seventeen before)

9. Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together? So many??? I feel like I have to say Dean/Cas.......Lee/Kara never really got together so them for sure. Sawyer/Kate from Lost even though I 100% choose to believe they got together post-canon pre-flash-sideways. Oh my god I'm looking through my "forever bitter" tag and it's a lot of Cooper/Audrey from Twin Peaks as I expected, but I forgot about Mini/Franky from Skins. and ABSOLUTELY THEM. Everything about series 5 was terrible but that especially.

10. Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting? IDK I feel like I don't usually change my mind like that. I wouldn't go as far as saying "kind of interesting" but I guess I don't hate Bree/Roger from Outlander AS much on the show as I did in the books lol.

11. Do you have any ship that, in the past, was considered normal but now you would be cancelled over? Hmm...Cesare/Lucrezia maybe? If not them almost definitely Norma/Dylan from Bates Motel LOL.

12. What was your favorite crack ship? I was gonna say I couldn't remember any that truly fit this definition, but then I remembered the Kent Parson/Claude Giroux series #dirtbags and that was great. Actually no my real answer is Syd/Richie from The Bear. Now *I* don't think it's a crackship but they have that vibe.

13. Who is the couple you read more fanfics of? Here's a side by side view of my most bookmarked ships vs the tags I have saved rn on my front page. Unfortunately you can only have 20 but I think it's a pretty good representation. (Other than the ENHA ship, where I legit don't know anything about them or frankly even what they look like, but that tag produces so much incredible unhinged porn that I read canon-blind.)

14. What most of your ships usually have in common? I feel like I have several different ~types, but: friends to lovers, I LOVE bicker-y couples, age gap relationships, especially when one of them is a mentor-ish figure, and power dynamics in general.

15. What do you absolutely hate in a ship? Nice Guy characters, whether they're a guy or a girl. The OG example is Xander (duh) and Chloe from Smallville but you also see it with characters like Sol on My Stand In...there's def more things I hate but that's one of most major ones for me.

[owlfacenightkit]

Hi bestie! Lots of emojis for you hehe! ❤️ + 🎁 + 💕 + 🦋 + 🦈 + 📚 + 💌 + 🎨

Hi bestie!!!! I was scrolling through my drafts and found this! So here ya go!

❤️ What is your favorite line you’ve written in a fic? I... honestly do not know. Perhaps I should reread my fics sometime and find that out lol

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share? LET'S GO WITH THIS DOUXIE FIC I'M WORKING ON >:D

💕 What is your favorite fic you’ve written? Currently that stands as my unfinished Danny Phantom vivisection fic. I am VERY proud of it

Though for published fics? Probably this one

🦋 Which character is your favorite to write? Ough. Another hard question. Probably have to go with uhhhh... hmmmm.... that honor probably goes to Sasha Waybright (even though I haven't written her in FOREVER)

🦈 Which character is the toughest to write? Anne!! And the rest of the Plantars!! I don’t know why they’re so hard to write but they just are!!

Editor's note (editor is me lol): This ask is really really old (it's from January of 2023!!!!!) but this part still stands lol (The majority of this ask had to be revised because. Outdated. Very, very outdated lol)

📚 Is there a fanfic or fanfic writer you recommend? HELL YEAH!! Not gonna tag them, but @/jackdaw-sprite!! Has to be my favorite Danny Phantom author. I just. Hrnmgh. *Inexpressable sounds of adoration*

The characterazation? The writing itself?? Idk. I really love it

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write? Does hurt/comfort count as a trope? If not, then uhhh... found family? <- She says, having never really written found family before lol

🎨 If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see? Goodness this is hard. My DP fic hasn’t been posted yet, so I guess any fic or scene

[miasiegert]

Okay, so author chiming in (who loves it when fans do fanfic/fanart/fanvid/fan anything) and thinks it's GREAT!!!

This is not a defense, but there is backstory with Anne Rice and some terminology with John Scalzi.

Anne Rice, problematic as she could be with an ever changing mentality, had context behind it as she used to be fine with fanfic until someone wrote an epic fanfic with a pairing that no one had done before--like no one would even conceive of it--

--except Anne Rice, who just sent her editors the finished draft, and team found out about that fanfic and ship existing. With writing itself, the length, the pairing and quantity (just from one writer, not fandom at large), and things being still pretty new with internet stuff, that case was truly a legal issue and everything was banned (EVERYTHING) and there was an underground LJ community that'd "secretly" share fanwork. Pretty positive that her team knew about that community as an open secret and it was not an issue as it was clear those were strictly fans of her work, doing things for fans, by fans.

But also with a lot of the trauma in her life, I mean, she joined an extremist cult at one point (but amazingly after her son came out, she quit on the spot because she loved him so much), and she didn't understand the 1-star Goodreads Bullies thing (remember that? Basically not really informed correctly or misunderstood but went in 100% on the train and I just... honestly, it seemed like she didn't "get it"). With the wonderful new IWTV series, her son took over more of the helm and with some of the changes, while the essence of the book was similar, some old fans were upset because "that's not MY Lestat" (although he was always described as a monster, a monster very much in love/obsessed but a monster). She said repeatedly that she was Louis, her late husband was Lestat. The POV of the books changed to Lestat's, not Louis's, even though that might have arguably been the most interesting. While fictional (film/tv counts as that), with Christopher taking more of the reins and also the care with the showrunner... I think it was finally sharing a little more of a hidden history, especially when victims protect their abusers and that it's not simple, that there are shades of gray.

Scalzi's old post didn't bug me so I had to reread it. THEN I realized he used a mix of pub speak and when he tried to simplify for fans, I don't know if it translated the way it was intended. Basically don't do anything to damage his brand/story, there's a protection (probably akin to the Anne Rice one) where if you write a fanfic and an idea in it shows up in one of his books by fluke, you don't have the right to sue. He's not actively reading fanfics, a lot of people have the same ideas, but I think that was framed in a way that was harder for some to understand. He tried to explain IP, but that wasn't clear--basically you need to secure rights for film/TV/Dramatic/etc and other things need to have rights secured. He shared what was totally fine to do without needing permission (such as parodies--save time for people as that's preserved, but also the "good parodies" as it can't just be something that is passed off as a parody but isn't--see Mel Brooks for good parodies, such as "Spaceballs"), what one cannot do, and the repercussions of what people do since this was also the early age of book piracy (which became worse and I had to revert JERKBAIT rights (except Audible!) because I lost 1/5th my earnings from piracy and people buying ebooks to return them when, folks, I beg you, get a library card and the Libby app. AUTHORS ARE PAID FOR LIBRARY COPIES!!! You get to read a book FOR FREE, Authors get PAID. I think every 125 check outs means another sale (discounted because library) but PLEASE. I can't tell you how many books and series have been canceled because of sales/piracy. I lost a deal because of piracy/sales. It sucked.

Sorry, I went off there a bit but the TL;DR, many authors of certain ages don't quite get fanfic/fanart. A lot don't want to read it because of some fear about copyright/legal. Some don't want to see fanart because it can be uncomfortable depending on the content. Some don't want anything at all.

But me? And all the writers I'm friends with? It's considered the biggest honor EVER to have fanfic and fanart and cosplay and everything for our characters. Most of us are complete nerds and we love stuff. (I don't search my own tags or anything or reviews but my husband told me there was one that wrote a note, "I WROTE THIS FANFIC BECAUSE THE BOOK HAD POTENTIAL AND MISSED" and oh gawwwwwd. Yeah, fanfic's for readers but ooooph! (Although partly I will say marketing kept pushing it as a feel good SIMON, and while I *love* Becky and I'm still shocked she *loves* JERKBAIT... the only things in common are that characters do musical theatre and one's gay. SIMON is such a feel good, happy thing. JERKBAIT... well, when it finds a new home (Editors/Pubs, contact my agent Sera), I really hope I can share the sequel from Robbie's POV--it is not a feel good, coming of age, funny YA. I'm not sure why a book about bullying and SH would be marketed as the same category, and I am so sorry to readers who were misled and believed it was a VERY different book).

Oh, and to my one incredible fan who did a school report on SOMEBODY TOLD ME that had not only an essay but also a poem and a script for an episode of an anime series I created FOR the book, and changed their name to Alek after my protagonist--that was the biggest honor in my life.

P.S. All the retellings and reimaginings and winks we do are legal fanfic basically... it has to be disclosed and a lot of legal. Our work is way too new for public domain, so don't make money off of us/exploit us. If you're one of the few who gets a massive deal from doing a fanfic based on one of our series, in every interview you must mention what it was taken from AND provide buy links for ethics, full stop. Is that a legal thing? No. That's moral.

Authors Convinced Fanfic is Illegal/Requires Permission

Terry Goodkind: “Copyright law dictates that in order for me to protect my copyright, when I find such things, I must go out and hire lawyers to threaten these people to make them stop, and to sue them if they don’t.���

John Scalzi: “Let's remember one fundamental thing about fanfic: Almost all of it is entirely illegal to begin with. It's the wild and wanton misappropriation of copyrighted material”

Diana Gabaldon: “OK, my position on fan-fic is pretty clear: I think it’s immoral, I know it’s illegal, and it makes me want to barf whenever I’ve inadvertently encountered some of it involving my characters.”

Robin Hobb: “Fan fiction is like any other form of identity theft. It injures the name of the party whose identity is stolen.”

Anne Rice: “I do not allow fan fiction. The characters are copyrighted. It upsets me terribly to even think about fan fiction with my characters. I advise my readers to write your own original stories with your own characters. It is absolutely essential that you respect my wishes.”

Anne McCaffrey: “there can be no adventure/stories set on Pern at all!!!!! That's infringing on my copyright and can bear heavy penalties…indiscriminate usage of our characters, worlds, and concepts on a 'public' media like electronic mail constitute copyright infringement AND, which many fans disregard, is ACTIONABLE!”

Chelsea Quinn Yarbro: “No. Absolutely not. It is also against federal law.”

Lynn Flewelling: “Whether you are writing about Seregil or Fox Mulder or Sherlock Holmes, if you do not have legal permission from the author, their estate, or publisher, then you are violating US copyright law. It is creative piracy. Doesn't matter how many disclaimers you put on, or if you're being paid. It. Is. Illegal.”

Someone Else, elaborated in the notes

[imaslothandsowhat]

found my old notebook with drafts and story ideas, unfinished poems, fanfics' details and just short writings of whats going on in my life.

i was hell of a comedian 11 yrs ago. and i was hella creative. now revisiting those ideas & rereading my past (unfinished) fics i'm in awe... i was hella talented.

thinking of actually finishing certain stories. they are worthy of coming back.

[marnz]

23, 30, 41

hi fey <3

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to? oh good question! as I get older I find myself getting more and more picky about AUs...I usually get attached to canon because I like aspects of canon such as the world, if not the plot decisions, so when AUs eschew the world I get cranky. Uhh and I had to go review my own ao3 to remember what I have and have not written lmao. I'd very much like to write something like a regency romance in the vein of this excellent Jonsa fic.

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter? This is a good question and long enough that I am putting it beneath a cut.

When I wrote the first draft of my first novel (which is sort of hanging out right now) it was way outside of my comfort zone in terms of approach, structure, process, everything. Like I just fundamentally didn't know what I was doing. The longest fic I've ever written and finished was about 44k, and though I have some truly monster wips I found a novel to be uniquely difficult because of everything I had to remember and balance inside a long and self contained form. I also found the process of world building difficult because it meant I was constantly doing SOOO much more work than I do in fanfic, which I find much easier to write because the world and characters are already established.

My writing style changed a lot--I did not have time to worry about my prose because I mainly wrote my novel on my 45 minute lunch break at my terrible old job. I also spent a lot of time journaling about my process and what was working, what wasn't, why I was blocked, etc. The most valuable thing I learned was the willingness to be absolutely radical and fearless in editing--I couldn't get too attached to anything, I had to be willing to take the novel/idea down to the studs if I needed to. I also learned to trust myself...it was okay that I didn't know what I was doing as long as I kept going. I frequently found that I would write a scene, hate it, stop writing and go do something else and then immediately realize the correct way for the scene to go. The most interesting aspects of the novel plot happened when I was willing to stray from my outline and experiment to see where this unexpected plot thread went. I couldn't be rigid, I needed to be flexible.

When I finished the manuscript in March of 2021, which weighed in at a whooping 150,000 words, I was extremely unhappy with it. I recently reread parts of it and it is...good. I liked it. It is too long and needs to be edited to within an inch of its life but I am proud of it.

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.” Oh I really love this question!! An Ever-Fixed Mark is absolutely brilliant. I love the depth of the world building, the characterization, and the period details.

Thanks fey <3

[trisofthewild]

🙋‍♀️ Do any irl people know you write fanfic? 🌞 Do you have a preferred time of day to write? 🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants? 🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success? ⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter?

SORRY IT IS TAKING ME A WEEK TO GET THROUGH THIS GAME

🙋‍♀️ Do any irl people know you write fanfic?

Yeahhh, I think most of my irl friends do. When friendships and fandom overlap! It happens. I'm also 99.9% sure my sister knows (and I am 100% sure that she has) but by unspoken agreement this is never acknowledged between us.

🌞 Do you have a preferred time of day to write?

Afternoon and evenings for sure. I definitely wrote a lot of my past fic in the unholiest hours of the night, but now that I am old I don't even like bringing my laptop in my bedroom, much less writing porn past my bedtime.

🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants?

This is another way I've changed as a writer. Writing late into the night was part of my process when I was younger because I did not plan, I just surfed on waves of inspiration, which frequently meant writing entire short fics in one sitting--if it needed more time, I might not be able to catch another wave. I got a little better at writing stories across multiple sessions as I went along, but without real planning it was always really difficult and I think it ultimately contributed to whatever made me stop writing fic for almost a decade.

When I started writing fic again, I found that without meaning to, I had become a planner. (I always think this has something to do with all the papers and the thesis I had to write for school in those missing years.) I no longer like to even start writing anything down before I have the full story fleshed out in my head, and if I do, it's because I have some really strong ideas that I'll put down in bullet point form, knowing I need more bullet points to make an entire outline with. Sometimes my outlines ARE very vague, more like a list of scenes/beats, and sometimes they're very detailed (I like to choreograph every move of a sex scene, for example), but again, even the outlines usually aren't committed to paper/screen until I've thought the whole story through.

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success?

I try not to sweat kudos and comments too much, although that's a lot easier said than done. Focusing on the individual reactions--if any one person, especially a friend or writer I really respect, loves it--I'll probably feel good about it. It's also about whether or not I really like it. If I want to reread my own story and still like it after it's been posted, that's an important form of success.

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter?

TOO LONG. Here's what I'll say in favor of the inspiration surfing method from my 20s: I worked a lot faster than I do now. Nowadays I can maybe turn out 500 words per day. This doesn't count the planning/outlining stage, or rewriting (I rewrite a lot; most of what I post is at minimum a second or third draft), or editing. So... depending on length: weeks to months.

My current WIP (started about three weeks ago, though I lost about a week to heatwave) has about 4k words, almost all first draft, hundreds of which will doubtless be deleted. It also has several key scenes missing and a deadline less than a week away. Your thoughts and prayers, please.

THANK U FOR THE ASK MARINA ILU I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!!!

[ur-riddikulus]

You’re Worth It (Bucky Barnes)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You are the resident therapist for the Avengers and Steve asks you for a favor. He wants you to have a therapy session with Bucky. Then you find out that Bucky wasn’t exactly aware of this plan.

Warnings: some cursing, Bucky’s angsty past, a couple small sexual innuendo. Also like a ton of angst but I promise that it does get better lol.

A/N: This is my first fanfic on here. I posted some Harry Potter ones before this, but I reread them and thought I could do better. So, here we are! Thank you for reading and if you want this to turn into more parts, I can totally do that. <3

You had been in your office preparing for your next patient when Steve walked in.

“Hey, Dr. Y/L/N, can I ask you for a favor?” He asked, putting his hands in a praying motion.

“Yeah, absolutely! I do have a patient soon, though.” You replied. You were glad to help, Steve is a great patient and has been improving impressively. So well, in fact, you didn’t know if he would even need to see you much longer.

“Do you know Bucky Barnes? He’s an old pal of mine. He has been against going to therapy for a long time, but you’ve helped me so much and Bucky needs some help too I think. Plus, he saw you around the tower and thought you were cute.” Steve says.

You blushed at that last part, silently wishing you didn’t. You had a rule against dating any patient or anyone in the tower, since it would just be awkward when you inevitably break up. Every relationship you’ve ever been in hasn’t lasted long, considering you’ve never been able to find someone you truly liked.

“Yeah, of course I know Bucky. You don’t shut up about him during your therapy sessions and I’ve seen him sulking around the tower myself. I would love to help him, but like I said, I have another patient soon. I will only have therapy with him if it’s his choice though. And I think he’s absolutely gorgeous but I have a rule against dating anyone who lives or works in the Tower.” You explained.

You looked at the time, Tony Stark, your next patient, would be here any minute. You were the sole therapist for Avengers Tower. There maybe should have been another one, but Tony had one session with you and said that you were the best he’s ever had and no one would ever dare be a therapist and step into his tower again. He even gave you the title of ‘Chief of Mental Health’ despite being literally the only person in that department.

Steve must have noticed you checking your watch, because he said ,”Oh, and I bribed Tony to change his appointment and give it to Bucky, so you kind of have no choice.” 

You looked up, “What? Who knew that Mr. Captain America himself was a cunning little bitch.” You joked, shaking your head. You and Steve, hell, you and everyone in the tower had that kind of relationship. And, he knew you swore like a sailor, so he even ignored it sometimes.

At that moment, Bucky walked in. He looked so handsome with his shoulder-length hair and baby blue eyes. He even looked a little nervous. Well, that’s not surprising, you thought. Everyone, even you, was a tad nervous on the first session.

Steve put up one finger and said, “Let me talk to Buck alone for one moment.” You nodded and he walked Bucky out to the hallway and shut your door. You heard whispers being exchanged and was a little confused but whatever, you thought. You were sure he’s just giving Bucky encouragement. 

You went over and sat down on your grey seat and picked up your chamomile tea. That was probably your favorite part of being a therapist, getting to sit down in comfy chairs all day with your tea. Besides helping people of course.

The door opened once again, with Bucky and Steve reappearing. “Thanks for doing this again, Dr. Y/L/N! Bucky will love you.” Steve said, patting Bucky on the back. You smiled and he exited, leaving only a nervous-looking Bucky standing there.

“Why don’t you come over and sit on the comfortable couch across from me, Bucky?” You motion, pointing over to the couch across from your current chair. He nods and goes to the couch. Well, at least he looks a bit more comfortable, you think to yourself.

“So, what do you want to talk about? Anything is on the table.” You say. You’ve found that not going straight to the tough topics help patients build their trust with you more.

“Well, doll, how about you tell me about yourself first.” He says, getting a bit more confident now. Doll? That’s an odd name to call your therapist. But whatever, you’re sure they used it a lot in the old days. Letting it slide, you try to answer his question.

“Well, I was born and raised here in New York City. I got my PhD. in psychology from NYU and I have an apartment in Brooklyn. I got this job after only one session with Tony Stark and now I am the therapist for the Avengers.” Sure, it was a lot of work, but you absolutely loved your job. Helping the heroes who risk their life to save yours and everyone else’s was the least you could do, you thought.

Bucky nodded and said, “I’m from Brooklyn. Looks much different now than it did when I lived there though. A PhD.? Damn doll, you must be super smart.”

You smiled at his compliment. “Thank you. It wasn’t easy, but it was definitely worth all the late nights studying.”

“So, anything else you want to know about me before we get started?” You asked, getting your notebook to prepare to write notes about Bucky and how to best help him. 

“Get started? Damn, doll. I was thinking we could grab a coffee before we ‘get started.’ But it’s good with me, I guess the girls roll a little different in this time than the 40′s.” Bucky says, chuckling to himself.

You were in the middle of getting to the correct page in the notebook but paused when you heard what he said. What did he think you meant when you said ‘get started’? It sounded very different from your meaning. And getting coffee? It almost sounded like he thought this was a date? You shook your head at that thought. No way could he possibly be that confused. And Steve said he thought you were cute, but you seriously doubted that the Bucky Barnes would even consider going on a date with you. So no, it definitely couldn’t be that. But whatever he thought this was, there was obviously a miscommunication that you had to clear up.

“Uh, Bucky? I think you must be confused. Steve told me that he convinced you to have a therapy session with me this afternoon. What did you think this was?” You ask, a little scared of the answer. 

At hearing this, Bucky seemed very confused. “What do you mean, Steve told me that we were meeting here before going out on our date?”

Now it’s your turn to be confused. What does he mean by ‘our date’? 

“Uh, Steve never said to me that we were going on a date. He told me that he convinced you to have a therapy session with me...” You said, shaking your head in confusion. This made no sense, what was going on?

Apparently that was the conclusion Bucky just got to as well,  because he looked up, a little embarrassed and said, “I’m so sorry. Steve told me that you wanted to go on a date with me and that we were going to meet in your office before going out. I never would have agreed to this if I knew what he was really doing. I’m just going to leave, I’m so sorry for wasting your time.” Bucky raced his hand through his long hair and stood up, walking to the door.

At first, you were a little stunned. The Steve you knew, the world knew, would never pull a trick on anyone, especially his best friend. You knew him enough through your sessions to know that he would only do this if he absolutely had to. Which means he must be desperate for his friend to get the mental help he needed. Also, Bucky was just so damn cute and you have had the biggest crush on him ever since you went to the Captain America exhibit in the local museum for a school trip. You always saw him in the pictures with Steve, his heart-stopping smile still doing wonders on you despite the worn black and white photo.

So, you jumped up right when his hand touched the door handle to leave and probably never see you again. “W-Wait!” You said, hating your stutter but just cringed and kept going when you saw him turn around curiously. “While you’re here you might as well just talk to me. If you hate it, you never have to see me again and can just ignore me in the halls. But, if this session does help you, maybe we can schedule a bit more and see where it goes. I really think I can help you, Bucky.” After you finish your awkward speech, you just smiled and waited for his definite and irreversible no. Well, at least you got the chance to help him, you thought. 

He just sighed and shrugged saying, “Well, I’m already here I guess. But are you sure this could end at any time and that you even want to help me after my dumb friend tricked me into embarrassing myself?” 

You smiled and that last part and smiled, just grateful for the opportunity to help someone so burdened and has done so much for the world. 

Bucky walked back over the his chair and said, “So, Doc, how do we start this?”

You grabbed your notebook again and turned to the right page again. “This is your session, it can start with however you want. But it might help to start from the beginning. How did you feel when you got drafted into a World War when you were only 18?”

He looked deep in thought and said, “Wow, no one ever asked me that.” He sighed before adding, “Of course it was my duty to fight and all that, but I was angry at the world for forcing kids who just barely turned adults to fight their wars for them. I knew it was going to be an adventure, but honestly I was scared shitless, doll.”

You nod, your empathy for him skyrocketing even though you guys just started.

And that’s how your bi-weekly sessions with Bucky would usually go. You guys talked about a whole manner of things, like his past in the 1940′s, his brainwashing with HYDRA, Steve saving him, and his nightmares from everything included. You two were closer than you normally let yourself get to patients. You didn’t know if it was because of everything he had gone through, or maybe even that you finally got to talk and help the Avenger who needed you most, but you honestly didn’t care. Your sessions with him really seemed to help him and now he hasn’t had a nightmare in over 2 months. Bucky seemed a lot happier and waved and talked to you in the halls. Steve even said that he hasn’t seen Bucky like this since the 40′s. You thought that with all things considered, he had a ton of improvement. You two had only been meeting for about 6 months and his progress was truly great;

You tried to forget that in your first meeting he thought you were going on a date and even apparently called you pretty. You knew that nothing romantic should ever come out of your patient and therapist relationship since it was obviously wrong. Every therapist knew that under no circumstances should you date your patient. It would always hurt the patient’s mental health even more and that was the opposite of your job. You suppose it could technically happen if you stopped being his personal therapist but it wouldn’t be worth it. All of his hard work would have been for nothing. 

But you couldn’t help but think what if? What if it ended up working out? What if he got another therapist and you could date him? What if he was the one? But no, you were getting ahead of yourself, you thought. Bucky was great and handsome and so, so perfect. He was honestly everything you wanted in a partner. And still, you couldn’t take the leap. If it didn’t work out and you were possibly the reason his mental health got worse you could never forgive yourself. So every appointment with him you just smiled and tried to ignore that pressing need, even though you were beating yourself up for either being a coward or for being so selfish that you wanted to take that chance.

One day you were in the middle of researching new ways to help a client’s recent mental health issue and trying to (and failing) ignore a certain issue when Bucky walked in with a bouquet of your favorite flowers and a nervous look on his face. You stood up, very confused but nonetheless making yourself known. 

“Uh, Y/N? Could I maybe talk to you for a minute?” He asked. You’ve never seen him dressed so well. Normally he just wore either workout clothes or sweatpants. You two even often joked together that he owned no normal clothes. 

“Yeah of course. I’m sorry I didn’t know we had a session today.” You said, cursing yourself for making such a mistake. Usually you were pretty good with schedules, even though working with the entire compound was a bit much to remember. 

“Oh, we don’t. I just wanted to ask you a question.” Bucky said, biting his lip. A nervous tick that you soon discovered in one of your early sessions together.

“Sure, ask away.” You replied. You were getting a little worried. Surely he didn’t want to end your appointments together, right? Did you do something wrong?

“First of all, these are for you.” He said nervously as he handed you the flowers. You smiled, surprised that he remembered you telling him your that your favorite was y/f/f while complaining that the local florist didn’t have them during one of your bi-weekly meetings. “Thank you, these are absolutely beautiful. I love them.” You smiled and walked over to a window ledge with a vase on it and put them in, admiring how they looked in the sunlight.

When you were finished admiring them you walked back over to Bucky. “Thank you again, they really are beautiful. I don’t even remember the last time someone was so nice and got flowers for me.” You said and hugged him. You knew he wasn’t that great with personal touch but surprised you when he hugged you back pretty quickly. For a moment you just focused on being in his arms but then soon thought of how inappropriate it would look to an outsider and reluctantly pulled away. 

“So, what did you want to ask? Is everything okay?” You ask, quickly remembering that something could be wrong with him.

“Yeah, of course everything is fine. You truly are a great therapist, Y/N. You’ve got a gift.” Bucky said. You blushed at his words and hated that your color would give away your inappropriate feelings possibly. His words did calm you down though. But if it wasn’t about therapy, then what else could it be about?

Feeling your blush go down finally, you nodded and urged him to go on, now too curious to wait it felt like.

He sighed and nervously ran his hand through his hair. “You have to promise me that if this goes wrong, our relationship won’t be ruined. It’s too important for me to ruin by being an idiot.” You immediately promised. Normally you would be cautious about such a thing but you have never trusted anyone this quickly and this much with Bucky.

After he saw your quick agreement, he went on. “So, these past couple weeks, well since we’ve started meeting actually, I was interested in you. I was never going to act on it in a million years but you’ve helped me so much and I think we could really be great together. And Steve might have noticed me staring at you and telling me I should do something about it.” He chuckled. “So, want to go on a real date? I would go the whole 9 yards, nice restaurant and everything. But I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want to do and know that our relationship isn’t necessarily the easiest to become romantic. I just think you're worth it, doll. You're worth all of it.” He stopped and bit his lip again, waiting for your response.

Your heart soared when you heard his speech. No one had every made you feel this way. You were about to say yes, so close in fact, but then you remembered the real truth. You are his therapist, his doctor, his advocate. That was special and meant something to you. You knew he wanted this but it was your responsibility to make the hard choice, to do what you honestly hated to do but thought was right.

“No, Buck. I’m sorry but I can’t. I just think it could ruin all your hard work and that’s the last thing that I want to do. It just shouldn’t be risked.” You said. Telling him that felt like vomit was coming up and you felt even worse when you saw him look dejected and lose his smile so quickly because of you.

You moved your arm to touch his and try to support him the best you could within your boundaries but he saw you trying to do it and moved before you could touch him. And that really hurt. 

You opened your mouth to try and say that you wanted to say yes, that it wasn’t him and just your job but he put up his hand to stop you and said,”No, I shouldn't have asked, I’m sorry.” before walking out.

After the door shut you just closed your mouth in surprise of how this could all go so wrong before falling on the ground and just sobbing. You were hyperventilating soon and snot was going everywhere but you just didn’t care. You were the therapist, the one who knew all the mental health tips and tricks but you were too broken to think logically and it felt good to just let yourself cry.

This stayed the same for two straight weeks. Bucky rescheduled every meeting and put himself into more missions, especially the more dangerous ones. You would cry yourself to sleep nearly every night and by the morning, your eyes were really puffy and swollen from the night before. Everyone in the tower knew something was going wrong and you could feel their stares of sympathy and worry. You felt terrible but what felt even worse was that you weren’t even speaking with Bucky anymore. And as bad as you felt, you couldn’t help but be even more worried for him. You were prepared to just wallow in your own self-pity and cry for the nth time when Steve knocked on the door and walked in when you were in your office, just drinking chamomile tea and looking at the flowers Bucky got you.

“Hey Doc, how’s it going?” He asked, sitting down and looking worried. You just looked up at him and decided to finally cut the shit and get right to what you were worried about. “Steve, how’s Bucky? And tell me the truth, I’ll find out eventually.” Steve sighed and said, “Honestly he’s not doing great. He looks like crap and is throws himself into missions. Bucky also keeps taking stupid risks that could leave him wounded or even worse. We’ve all spoken with him and he just ignores it. I think the only thing that would really fix him is talking with you. he’s never been like this before, I just don’t know what to do.”

You knew that he would probably tell you the last part, that he feels out of control. Control issues was what you most talked about with Steve during your sessions. Not that you could blame him, you would definitely have them too after everything he has gone through. But that could be discussed in your future sessions with him. Right now, you just wished everything was back to normal.

You nodded sadly, even more worried for him now. But Steve talking to you changed something. You needed to talk to Bucky. And right now. Your fear of rejection was high and you knew there was a fairly high chance that he was too hurt to trust you and that he would probably say no but you didn’t care. Even if he rejected you, you didn’t care. As long as he would be better and your relationship went back to normal, you could live with it. Even if it would take a long time to get better after this, he would be worth it.

So you just looked up, your mind set on what you had to do. “Where is he? I need to find him right now.”

Steve looked up surprised and said, “Uh, in his room I think. He just signed up for another hard mission and we asked him not to but he insisted. He’s probably getting ready since he will have to leave soon.”

After hearing this, you jumped up frantically while yelling “Thank you so much Steve!” as you ran out, not even caring to stop the door from slamming. 

Now, even though you worked in a tower full of superheroes, you were only the therapist and still haven’t ran in a while. So you ran and ignored all the stares of the workers and Avengers. When you finally got there, you were out of breath and breathing hard. But still, you worked through your mini heart attack and knock on the door, still frantic.

You heard some rustling behind the door and a few mumbled curse words when he began saying loudly, “Steve, I’m fine. I’m going on that mission whether you think I should or no-” Bucky opened the door and once he saw you, a probably sweaty, red, and gross you, finished with a confused “-not?”

You put up one finger to signal for him to give you a moment to catch your breath. After that, you joked, “Guess I need to workout more.”

“No, I think you look great. Uh, n-not that my opinion matters or anything. If you think you need to work out then that’s what you should do.” He said, nervously stuttering but nodding at his final sentence like by catching it he saved himself from saying something wrong.

He cleared his throat before continuing. “So, how can I help you? I do have to leave on a mission soon though.”

It broke your heart how formally he was speaking, almost like you were complete strangers.

Maybe you should go, you thought. But no, you had to. Bucky was worth the embarrassment you could possibly face, whether you two were going to date or not. Forcing yourself to remember that, you steeled yourself and said, “I’m sorry Bucky, about everything I said. That date sounded amazing, it really did. I wanted to go and I still do. I was just worried about how inappropriate it would be for a therapist to date their patient. I didn’t want your mental health to backtrack and I honestly thought that I was doing the right thing. But I miss you, Buck. I miss you terribly. And you're worth all of the risks to me, you outweigh them all. So please don’t go on that mission, let someone else take the dumb risks. From what I’ve heard you have taken enough for a while. Please, just stay with me and we can talk?” You looked up at him pleadingly and saw him pull out his phone before shutting the door in your face.

That shut door hurt you, but you were prepared for it and sighed. It was too good to be true, you guessed. The fairytale ending, the white picket fence, the handsome husband. You turned around, prepared to walk away with the  thought of going back to your apartment and drowning your sorrows in chamomile tea and tissues when you heard the door open behind you and felt a hand grab yours to turn you around.

And there was Bucky, smiling like an absolute idiot. And at first you thought that he was making fun of you, but even then you still thought he looked handsome with that smile. “Sam’s in. He’ll take the mission for me.” He said.

“What?” was all you could muster. You had no idea what he was talking about it sounded almost like... That’s when you heard Sam on speaker phone, “Yep, that’s right sweetheart. I’m gonna do the dumb mission. Kiss Bucky real good for me, sucks I can’t be there to do it myself.” Then you heard Sam make a bunch of kissy noises and that’s when Bucky said, “Enough of him.” And ended the call. Then he grabbed your hand once more and shut the door behind you. He backed you against his door with him so close to you that your chest was touching his. 

You were still in shock of your luck when Bucky leaned in and kissed you. You were a little shocked but soon kissed him back, and hard. It was like you were underwater and he was the oxygen. The kiss soon turned rougher and you did not mind at all.

A couple hours later you were both laying on the bed, snuggling and watching a dumb movie that both of you weren’t even paying attention to. You were both just too wrapped up in each other’s presence. “Hey, I think you got some of that exercise you mentioned needing. Maybe we could even do some more if you want.” Bucky said, looking down at you and laughing. 

You hit him lightly but couldn’t help from laughing hard as well. Only hours ago you thought that you wouldn’t get anything with Bucky. No happy ending, white picket fence, and with Bucky, the whole package. But no, you got much more than that. So much more.

[anonymous-astronaut]

I love your fanfics so much man and I don’t know how to tell you they inspire me so 💙😭

I was wondering from one writer to another, do you have any tips that be useful to keep in mind? I wanted to start writing and publish for the longest time but I have no clue where to start.

Thank you so much!! That means so much to me, it’s so wonderful to hear that my work inspires people!! ❤️❤️❤️

I can’t say I know anything about the publishing world, but as for writing there are a few practices I do! I’m no professional, but these are some things I keep in mind:

For me, the first draft is just to get everything down. It doesn’t matter what it reads like, I just get something written. I treat it almost like a sketch before a drawing. Once I have the idea of it down, that’s when I go back and focus on coherency, overall tone, and character.

Doves and Arrows, which is definitely the fic I’ve spent the longest time working on, started out as a single scene that takes place like a third of the way through the story. In the idea stage of writing, you don’t have to start at the very beginning if it isn’t coming naturally. For a long time I wrote scenes as came to me, and spent time later putting them in order and sewing them together into a cohesive plot.

If I get stuck, sometimes I’ll just write out the dialog of a scene. I let the characters talk to each other without worrying about setting or descriptions, and sometimes it ends up going in a different direction then I expected. It usually ends up feeling more natural and true to the characters than if I try to force it, and it can really help get me out of a block. Learn everything about the characters you create, and they’ll tell you where they want the story to go.

I’ve found it’s really helpful to reread old chapters (or copy paste it into an app called speechify and listen to it out loud if you’re more auditory than visual like me lol) so I can see the flow of how characters talk and react to each other, and just get in touch with my own writing style.

But honestly, I’d say my biggest piece of advice is to write what YOU want to read. Be your own target audience, write what makes you laugh or cry or grin evilly, and your work will feel genuine and rewarding. At the very least, certainly helps make the editing process more enjoyable 😂

Hope this helps!! Best of luck to you in your endeavors, fellow writer! ❤️

[weaselandfriends]

i totally forgot that fargo turned 7 this month (it's in 1st grade now!), so i did want to share some art for its belated birthday. fargo was what got me into your writing, and it holds up so well as both a fanfiction adding onto and improving the original media, and as an independent action romp with lovable and unique characters. thanks for making something so superb, it's always great to go back and reread when i need a pick-me-up

Thank you so much! I'm always glad to receive art from you; you've created several great pictures for Fargo and Chicago now.

Insane to think Fargo is 7 years old already. I started writing it on a whim, during a nadir of depression, shelving my current project at the time (Modern Cannibals, of which I had written a 60k-word first draft) to vault into a Madoka fanfic with little preplanning or long-term goals beyond catharsis. I simply wanted to write something bitter, angry, and brutal.

Normally, I assiduously plan out my stories, and struggle to write stories where I don't have a plan ahead of time. Fargo was special though. As I wrote it, the plot just kind of wound together in my head. The moment I introduced a character, like Omaha or Delaney, I suddenly realized everything they would do and how they would impact the story. I hardly had to think about anything, everything simply worked. I doubt I could replicate that ease of creation if I tried.

I honestly want to get better at writing stories that are just exciting and impactful on an emotional level, without having to be enveloped in a million layers of meaning and historical context. I enjoy writing stories like Fargo and Chicago as much as I do stories like Modern Cannibals and Cockatiel x Chameleon, but I feel like it's actually more difficult for me to write the former category, which most people would probably consider the more "normal" type of story. I've always struggled to come up with simple but compelling plots or likeable characters. So I keep writing stories like Fargo in hopes of getting better at that. I've been revisiting Fargo lately to try and determine what made it work so well for me, what made it so easy to write. I think I've found some answers. I plan to apply them in my next work.

Thank you again for the support and the great art.

[lexareyouokay]

Welcome to my blog

Name: Lex or Lexi

Favorite Authors: Fyodor Dostoevsky, C.S Lewis, Charlotte Brontë

Currently Reading: Villette

Book List:

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

The Screwtape Letters by C.S Lewis

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and The Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkein

Notes From the Underground  by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

The Hunger Artist by Franz Kafka

The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx

The Great Divorce by C.S Lewis

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

The Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi

The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy

The Prince by Niccolo Machieveli

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius 

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë (Need to reread)

Instagram

Reedsy

AO3

All art found on Instagram or under this tag.

All writing, art, and personal posts found under this 🌻

Asks: open!

On this blog:

Stories and fanfics: I write my own stuff and fan works. I’m currently drafting outlines right now for two original stories and one fanfiction. 

Playlists: I make playlists for both OC’s and reimagining's of already pre-established characters.

Prompts or Questions: When my ask box is open, feel free to ask me stuff, at my own discretion I’ll answer them.

Aesthetic posts: I will make posts for characters of my own, stories, ships, etc. 

Rules: 

This is my blog, I write what I want and set the rules. No smut, if I get requests for it they will be deleted and ignored. Also, I have the option to reject anything I don’t feel comfortable writing or don’t want to write. The same goes for any art made on these accounts.

This blog is SFW, if you are into NSFW I'd recommend going somewhere else. In tandem with the last rule, I don't want to see porn of any kind (since most people don't listen to this, I'm starting to become more strict about this over time).

Be respectful, I assume if you’re old enough to use this app, you’re old enough to not flood someone's inbox or asks with nasty comments. Again, if you are not worth responding to I will A) delete it or B) ignore your message and block you.

OC Questions/ Profiles/ Headcanons:

Leomito OTP Questions

Kirill Veniamin Kovalev (OC Profile/ questions)

Anna Sashura Egorova (OC Profile/ questions)

Gregor Dmitri Kovalev (OC Profile/questions)

Playlist ⏯️:

Author Picks 4.19.2022

Leomito Playlist #1

Fanfics:

Danny Devito House Snippet

University Sucks Short Stories

Open Window (LeoMito fic)

Pilgrimage (A Kurapika one shot)

My Brother Under the Sun (A fic where Leorio goes on a hunt to find Kurapika)

Guarded (A Hisomachi one shot, Hospital AU)

To love and be loved

The Education of Alison D’agistino:

con·fec·tion·er·y  (unedited version)

Breakup Duo

Hidden Apostate

We Need a New Apartment

Unwavering

“It’s been a long, long time”

‘If it were your daughter, it would be different’

Doomscrolling Doomtrolling

Bread

Mild January Drinks

Puritans and Icons

Unknown Rooms and Rosaries

“Past the Point of No Return”

Bravery to Repent

Pastel Virtue  (con·fec·tion·er·y edited final version)

Forever Hold Your Peace

Pseudo-Mother

Alison and Shannon

Arguments

Contradiction

August:

Desire for Something Unwanted

Other stories:

A Face in a Room

Hidden in the Woods

Separation

La Petite Mort

Updated: 9/11/2023

Blog Posts:

The Art of War by Sun Tzu (Blog Post #1)

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Got any good novel recommendations for Kirk and Spock? (I have amassed a sizable collection of EU material, but not really settled down and read it)

Ohohoho I was WAITING for this one (literally. I have had this sitting in drafts for so long and I have thought about it, like, every day so I am very happy to finally get to answer!)

As you may or may not know, I am obsessed with doing reviews (shocker, right?) and keep detailed accounts of each Star Trek book I read/buy. At this point, I've got a decent number of books (just over 15) and let me tell you HONEY I have thoughts

You're looking specifically for Spock and Jim, so I'll give you the best books I've read for them, and then also some ones to avoid haha. There are snippets from my yet-to-be-posted reviews under each of them to give a little more insight! I haven't included any plot comments but I'll eventually post my complete reviews if you're curious :)

The Good Stuff

Strangers from the Sky

Absolutely remarkable. A lovely read. Everyone was completely in character the entire time, with COPIOUS amounts of triumvirate content and very good character analysis. Spock and Jim are main, but Bones is also substantial and doesn't leave you feeling like he's been forgotten about. Reallllly good Spirk moments but not in a raunchy way, it's just like Wow They Are Really T'hy'la's, Huh? Also some quality Old Married Spirk content as well!

New Voyages 1

The first of two fanfic-turned-EU-canon complications, and it is chock full of absolute gold in both quality writing and Spirk content. (The original cast members wrote intros/endorsements for the stories, so it's officially approved!) Some stories are not quite as good as the others, but the ones that are good are legendary. Ni Var is my favorite piece of Star Trek writing to date. It's an absolutely beautiful Spock-and-Jim-centric story (yet without leaving Bones behind! He is involved and excellent) that feels both completely believable and utterly heart-wrenching. I will never forget the ending. The Winged Dreamers is another really solid story, with another oft-screenshotted Spirk scene (well-deserved!) and further Spirk throughout, and a good deal of triumvirate content. A natural and poignant read. The Mind-Sifter can be a bit jarring at first, but the payoff (both in general development and with Jim and Spock) as the story progresses, and especially at the end, sets it all to rights. (Really, that ending scene!!!) And finally, The Face on the Barroom Floor is less Spirk (it has one moment but is definitely not a focus), but it's still a pretty decent story.

New Voyages 2

I haven't gotten through this one entirely yet, but the stories I've read are of a similar caliber to those from the first volume, and I would absolutely recommend it as well! It has the excellent Spirk poem Soliloquy along with a charming story from Nichelle Nichols herself that has many notable Spirk moments. I'm sure there are some more gold nuggets in the other stories, too!

Doctor's Orders

The dynamics are largely focused on Bones and Jim or Spock interacting, since Bones is the main character, but there are a few moments where everyone is together, and two VERY notable Spock and Jim moments (even though one of them is actually in a Spock and Bones interaction!! It really showed how deeply Bones understands the both of them, and the bond between them). I loved how the book handled all of their relationships, as each of the characters is undeniably close with both of the others.

Crisis on Centaurus

This one is more subtle from a Jim and Spock perspective, but still has many good moments worked in throughout the story. There's a particularly nice moment at the end that really made me smile. On the whole, the characters are authentic, and everyone gets development and insight; not too much focus is given to one character, and they felt pretty believable. A solid read!

The Not-So-Good Stuff

The Price of the Phoenix

If you're looking for Spirk, you will find it here. This one is so blatantly Spirk that you don't ever have to look for it. In many places, this is handled pretty darn well, but overall, the book felt like slash fanfic after the (excellent) opening section--and nothing against fanfic, but that's not what I was looking for. It distinctly stopped feeling canonical, because of how unbelievable some of the character decisions and situations were. (I then found out that it was in fact originally a slash fiction piece that was revised and then published officially. Its original title was "Never Mourn for Black Omne.") Many scenes made me deeply uncomfortable, and the book largely was just difficult to get through. Overall, I might reread it for the feels at points, but I'm not gonna heavily recommend it if you're looking for a quality Star Trek novel.

Black Fire

This one's a doozy, folks. The characterizations of literally every character are off-base (to say nothing of the utterly wack premise). The first half of the book has the worst-written Spock I have ever read, and the other characters are similarly mishandled (although not quite so extremely). The characterizations do get stronger as the book goes on, but it's not enough to balance out the mistakes of the first half. The Spirk content woven throughout, and more noticably present at the end, does its best, but is ultimately overshadowed by the largely unsatisfying story. (It's also quite easy to read Spock as aroace, and a few scenes specifically bolster that reading, but even that isn't enough for me to like it.) You might give it a try if you want to laugh at how ridiculous it is, but honestly, I found it more frustrating than anything, and I wouldn't recommend it.

I think this oughta give you a decent-enough place to start! Let me know what you think of them (and if there are any stories you think I should read--I am always eager for recommendations, and especially things to review!). And I will eventually publish my full collection of reviews...at some point!

[kenrik]

I’ve written a lot of GoUta fics,

Sharing all of them here would take forever. So, just sharing my favorites!

First and foremost, however, I want to say that I adore, absolutely adore (and find myself always re-reading!) onemoreword’s works. These fics are the pinnacle of everything I could want from GoUta. The world this author has created, the grasp they have of the characters -

onemoreword’s writing is simple and straightforward, yet so beautiful, so haunting. They’re the best for me, in a ship with so many awesome authors and stories already. UwU

PrettyKittyLuvsU also holds a special place in my heart! 

Their fics are just so pure and deep. Mine’s are really just surface, just to get me through my brainrot fics. 🤣 I’m trying to write stories with deeper insight into the characters in canon, but, it’s taking me forever to build a story. The rules set by the JJK world, their dynamics, the tone I want to achieve of their relationship, are all so tedious to factor in. Most of what I’ve written are AUs and fluff because I just put in the bickering and teasing and call it a day. xD

I’m trying with Still Blue, This Black Sky, but it’s a new fic. And I’ve just come up with a plot. I’m only updating once I have a draft of the entire story. Posting without one is a pain, I lost my way a lot with 01 and Cast Away. 

I also reread my fics! I write fanfics after all, so I can read my HCs. Hahahaha

So, if you happen to find my fics fun to read too, we’re in the same boat! xD

Ao3 says I’ve written 21 JJK stories. 🤣🤣

This shipper’s brainrot is too real, too potent. 🤣🤣 I can’t even with my self.  🤣🤣  

Here are my favorite stories to reread - 

1. Drinking Parties - Canon-Compliant, Funny

A series of oneshots following GoUta go from bar to bar. 

And now, there they were. At their drinking party. The drinking party where Gojo said everyone would be going to. It would be fun, he told her. Everyone would have a such a blast, he said.

Honestly, Utahime could only blame herself for being foolish enough to believe him.

This damn idiot. She thought with a glare as she slammed her mug of beer on the table.

"You're really mad." Gojo looks at her with a curiosity. "Why?"

Why? Utahime seethed. "Where the hell is everyone?!" She threw her glass at him. And his infinity just catapulted it away and made a shattering mess on the floor.

"That wasn't nice, Utahime." He shakes his head at her. "It's that time of the month, huh?"

Utahime flushes red the next second. And with an embarrassed cry, she reached out for Gojo's very own glass and flung it at him as well.

"You're paying!" She screamed at him in finality when she's gotten tired of his stupid infinity. And she drops back to her seat and yells for the waitress to serve them a round of beer.

"Drink!" She barks at him when he was just playing with his glass. "Drinking party, my ass." She grumbles to the rim of her mug. And she downed her drink in one go.

2. The Clearing - Series of AUs, Japanese Folklore AU, Samurai AU, Pirate AU

A series of AUs covering soulmates over the course of history.

(Pirate AU)

They were cruising in the high seas when Satoru was leaning on his back against a wooden pillar, idly sharpening his knife. He was whistling to himself when a crew member walks up to him with an anxiousness about him.

"Um, captain," He didn't know what to say; how to say it. "I think I found a stowaway."

Satoru turned to him with a dangerous twitch in his eye.

"What?" He spits with a venom.

And in the next instant, a woman in menswear was thrown before him at the deck.

He took it as a personal offense that anyone dared board his ship without his express approval. Let alone a woman. He spat at her gall. He would have her head, he thinks to himself in a growing spite.

"The sharks are going to be full today." He tells his crew coldly as he looked at the woman who didn't dare face him, whose angry gaze was directed to the wooden floorboards.

"Have any final words before you die?" He asks her to make peace with her inevitable demise.

And when she doesn't speak, Satoru just waves a lazy hand, signaling to his crew to just get it over with.

But before anyone could touch the woman, she speaks in a low voice, "I'll do anything."

Satoru turns to her with a confusion, with a raised brow.

"What?"

And she suddenly looks up at faces him with a fierce glare in her eyes.

"I'll do anything! So, let me stay on board!" She cries. And her hands clench against the wooden boards; the smell of the ocean consuming her; the adventure she's yearned for her whole life was so close she could taste it. "Let me stay!"

Satoru leans back, surprised.

Then, he starts to smile a sinister smile.

"Do you even know what you're saying?"

Utahime clenches her jaw.

"Do you have any idea where we're going?" He laughs at her dryly and crouches down at her; his face patronizing.

"You won't last a day with us."

"You'll get raped."

"You'll get killed."

"You might even just stub your toe and start crying for your mom." He laughs at how ridiculous she was.

Then, he pokes her cheek with the dull end of his knife.

"Don't be stupid."

I can’t even begin to say how much I love this Pirate AU. I love all the AUs in this story. I love everything I write honestly, even if it’s just plain crack. xD 

But, they’re just so cute in this AU. I love them so much. And I owe readers a sequel.... 🤣🤣

3. the most valuable relationship to a sorcerer is friendship - Canon-Compliant, Friends at a wedding, Have a serious conversation, about their life as sorcerers

Uta and Satoru find themselves attending the wedding of a mutual friend. 

He finds her in a bar alone, nursing a drink. And when her gaze drifts from her beverage to him, she almost spits out her drink.

"What are you doing here?!" She cried at him in dismay. And Gojo just chuckled as he approached her.

"You don't have to be so mad about it." He tells her with a small smile. "I'm on vacation."

"You take vacations?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Occasionally." Gojo grins at her. "Rarely." He adds. And Utahime frowns at him when he eventually says, "Mostly never."

"You here for the wedding?"

And he laughs again when Utahime just turns away with a deep sigh.

"I am." She sips her drink. And, she fights back the twitch in her eye when Gojo takes the empty seat next to her.

"Shall we go together, then?"

Utahime turns to frown at him.

"You think I came here alone?" She hisses at him in disbelief.

And Gojo just smiles at her. "Didn't you?" Then, he laughs when Utahime relents.

"Fine." She sighs. "I still can't accept that out of everyone I know, I run into you, you of all people, in Hawaii." She groaned to the heavens. And Gojo just chuckles. "In Hawaii, Gojo. Why?" She cried to the heavens for an answer. Why did they have to keep torturing her?

"Must have been something you did in a past life." Gojo offers with a laugh, resting his cheek on the palm of his hand.

Beside him, Utahime's face soured.

4. Sweet - Modern AU, Barista Utahime, Cafe Shop

Uta is worried about the health of one of her regulars. 

"I can't, in good conscience, serve you anymore bubble tea."

"You took an oath or something?" He smirks. "Not to over serve poor salarymen with a sweet tooth?"

Utahime raises a brow and bites back her laugh.

"So," The man leaned over the counter with his smile, looking down at the selection of drinks in the menu laid on the bar. "What would you recommend I get?"

"An americano." She simply tells him and slips cups for a previous order into the plastic melder to seal them.

"All right." The patron smiles, too wide, and too familiar for Utahime's liking.

What was wrong with this guy, she couldn't help but frown in discomfort.

"But, add three tablespoons of honey." The man adds, and laughs at the look of disbelief on Utahime's face. "What? Honey's not sugar."

"It is..." Utahime couldn't believe this guy. "Whatever." She sighs and prepares his order. But, instead of the three spoonfulls of honey, she put a single teaspoon.

And when he drinks it in front of her, she laughs out loud at the disgusted, sour look on his face. And he demanded she give him five packets of sugar.

5. Immature - Canon-Compliant, Gojo “teasing” Utahime, First Meeting, Childhood GoUta

Uta finally meets the kid with the Six Eyes. 

When the family before them leaves, when they're presented as the Iori house, Utahime is fuming red. But she bites her tongue and keeps her mouth shut in respect for her parents, for her relatives around her.

And when she sees how the six year old looked at her condescendingly, slouched forward on his seat, looking at her with his calculating eyes, seemingly appraising her; she starts to shake in a growing rage.

Then, he smirks. The six year old smirks at her.

And something inside her snaps when he tells her, when he chuckles and tells her,

"Did you know?" He smirks at her with a chuckle in his lips. "Did you know you're so weak?"

Red with rage, before her mother could stop her again, Utahime cries out and angrily grabs the empty juice box in front of her; and she throws it at the six year old; hitting him square on the face.

And he flushes. In an instant, he flushes red. A very, very angry, humiliated red.

"Utahime?!" Her mother cried out in dismay.

And Utahime had to be dragged out before she could get her claws at the six year old and set him straight.

6. Red, Blue, and The Purple Moon - Canon-compliant, Post-Shibuya Incident Arc, GoUta living together, Powerless Gojo

GoUta play house.

"Wow," She mouthed, not noticing how Gojo's face paled. "I actually got to hit you for once." She unconsciously ruffled the hair on the top of his head, making the strongest sorcerer twitch in annoyance.

"I can actually hit you, now." She suddenly gripped his head with some force. And Gojo could only look in horror at the murderous glint in her eyes.

"Utahime..." He tries to laugh it off, the growing tension in the air. And he tries to take Utahime's hands in his, tries to pull her hands off him, when Utahime suddenly looks down at him with a demented glare on her face and started chuckling.

"Gojo," She smiles at him sinisterly. "Do you remember," Her hands started to trail down from his hair, from his face to his neck. "Do you remember how you've been calling me weak since we've known each other?"

Gojo tries to smile back, tries to laugh with her; "Of course," He forces a chuckle. "We have our fun, Utahime!"

"Fun?!" Gojo sees the murderous glint flash in her eyes too late. And the next thing he knew, Utahime started choking him and shaking him like there was no tomorrow.

This is my first fic. I’ve had to rewrite this a lot, since I’m learning so much more about their world and the characters. Still, I really love this. I love the fact that Gojo is powerless. HAHAHA. I will definitely find myself editing this fic again. But I love it already as is. 

While I love No Love and 01, and all the other fics, I do not like angst. Just thinking about how it’ll hurt later on is just so painful. I don’t know what’s up with people and pain, but those who’ve read my stories seem to prefer angst. The heck. 🤣 Isn’t JJK canon enough pain for you guys? 🤣🤣

[mittensmorgul]

(re: trad authors vs fanfic authors and the “nine levels of removal") Yes. This. Story time! I went to a book event for a well known, critically acclaimed, best selling author once about 20 years ago. He'd never done a proper "book tour" before and as a fan I was excited. Myself and other fans from a Yahoo Group (RIP) met up at the event and gave Mr Popular Author a fan art book we'd put together. He later wrote that he’d had to go off to a corner of the bookstore to hide and cry for a few minutes because he'd always thought he was writing into a void. Then BOOM, there we were, a big group of us, right in front of him, loving his work and giving him feedback (and gifts!) He’d never so much as read a review of any of his books before. The sudden realization that actual humans had read (and liked!) his work was apparently very emotional for him. Fanfic authors don’t have the luxury of that distance. And I don’t envy them for it. The feedback they get is immediate and devastating. Trad authors often won’t even get told how many copies their book has sold for the first six months after publication. Fanfic authors see every single view and kudos and comment in real time.

Yep. This.

I mean, it’s shifted a bit in the last 20 years. A lot of traditionally published authors have websites, or twitter, or other social media. Before I ever came to fandom, I was trying to go the traditional publishing route, too. Heck, a decade later I’m still on author twitter (most of my twitter is authors/publishers/agents/editors because those are the people I befriended when I first started seriously writing). But there is a sense of removall still there between authors and readers. And twitter followers and interactions don’t always equate to readers.

I mean, look at any author’s twitter, and a lot of it is just... like anyone else’s twitter.

Authors can also go look at their reviews on Amazon or Goodreads or wherever else online, and see their book’s daily ranking in sales if they really want to, but trust me on this, everyone involved in the publication of their books has probably told them not to do this. It’s not helpful in any way, unless they’ve shot to the top of the bestseller lists. Learning their new release ranks 32502905 in their genre... isn’t worth bothering, you know? And there’s nothing to do by obsessing over it.

When your agent is sending you all the good reviews, all the positive feedback, and encouraging you to finish the draft of your next book or your next round of edits, you don’t HAVE to think about responding to every comment anyone makes on your work. You’re encouraged NOT to respond. Because those reviews are NOT FOR YOU. They’re for other readers, to help them decide whether or not to make a financial investment in your already published book.

Fanfic comments ARE NOT THAT. Fanfic comments are written directly TO the author. Sure, other readers might see them, and I’ve had conversations start in comments on my fic before so I know it happens. But when a reader writes a comment on a fic, it’s generally to thank the author for the story, for having entertained them for a while.

Not all fanfic authors reply to comments, but I think the vast majority of us TRY to at the very least. Thanking the reader for reading, expressing the happiness we feel that our work has brought someone else a bit of joy (or angst, or whatever feeling we’ve inspired with our words). Or else answering questions the commenter has asked, or otherwise expressing gratitude.

It’s a DIRECT CONVERSATION, the likes of which most people will never have with a traditionally published author. The absolute ridiculousness that anyone expects the works we publish on AO3, for free, can be compared in any way to a traditionally published novel is beyond belief. The conceit that works we write-- again, for free, in our spare time, out of love for doing it-- should be as polished and free of any sort of errors as works that have spent more than a year and often more than two years going through multiple rounds of editing, proofreading, line editing, typesetting, etc. where MANY PEOPLE have scoured it for errors and yet still a few slip by here and there... I mean, HOW can anyone hold writers working on our own, in our spare time, for zero pay, purely for our own enjoyment to the same level of exactitude that we hold commercial novels? It’s laughable.

And honestly, it reaches a point where we’d rather just post the thing and move on to the next thing. I have gone back and done minor edits to some of my older works. If I’m rereading and notice a typo, I’ll fix it, for example. I once switched a character and wrote it as a different character because I felt bad about how the original character was portrayed. But for the vast majority of them I have zero intent of going back and making major edits on anything I’ve written, because I have moved on. I’m writing something else now, and maybe that will be more polished for having written the previous things with the wonky sentence structure or the awkward choice of words.

Mostly I write because I want to tell the stories that are stuck in my head. I need to get them out or they wedge in there like a big old log jam. Enough words build up that if I don’t start lining them up and pushing them out, the pressure builds up and bursts out in really inconvenient and messy ways. I’m personally not writing fanfic as “practice.” Or because I hope to some day be “good enough” to publish original works for money. I came to fandom to write fanfic so I wouldn’t have to deal with the rest of the publishing industry lol. I don’t need encouragement or approval or advice on how to improve. I just need an outlet. And if other people enjoy anything I write, that’s just a bonus to me.

(I had a publishing contract in my hands, stared at it for three days and then cried as I tore it up... I didn’t want to put myself through the publishing mill... I was already burnt out just getting to that point, and couldn’t imagine it becoming my life for years to come. It wasn’t worth it to me, and then I found fandom and AO3 and fanfic, and got all the benefit from writing with none of the angst of commercial publishing. This is where I WANT to be, this is not a stepping stone or training ground for someday becoming a “real author.” Sure, it is for some folks, but for a lot of us, this is just what makes us happy.)

Can you imagine going to a craft show where everyone has spent their time making beautiful handmade things and walking directly up to each artist and critiquing their work? Going up to a knitter and complaining that you saw a nicer hat in Macy’s the other day and pointing out everything about her hat that you don’t like? Or going to a jewelry designer and saying you prefer gold to silver, and demanding to know why they chose to inlay green stones when clearly they should’ve used blue ones?

Same vibe on critiquing fanfic in the comments. Or at the author in general. It’s just rude.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

i finished rewatching the 10th kingdom this morning, my first rewatch in many years (it’s such an old miniseries, no streaming service has claimed it, so i had to track it down first). since i was only sixteen when it aired i got to ship the enemies to lovers couple in that uncomplicated uncritical way i loved everything that i loved growing up, so seeing it now as an adult was very interesting. 

interesting as in, i still love it for being a thing i loved back then, but watching it now i just kept thinking that it has an excellent premise, and it’s executed...not nearly as well. what it has to say about sexuality, and female power, and so many things that i care about now--well, a lot of it makes me feel gross. and like i get now why i ended up so confused about all that, when i only had tv to teach me.

but this is also relevant because i’ve been editing my very first novel, the idea of which i started working on back when i was sixteen, and the drafts of which started in my twenties, and all i can see are its flaws. that’s the point of revision, and here and there i have a single sentence of dialogue that i still appreciate, but mostly i’m reading through it with a critical eye and thinking ‘if i were reading this as a book someone else wrote, i would think it was so bad.’

and i don’t even mean that as a bad thing!! of course my early drafts are bad. i’m (i hope) a better writer now. i have so much more practice, thanks to fanfic and months of drafting different novels with no care for quality. all that matters to me now, when i look at my work and i see no character development, structural plot problems, weird pacing issues, and spotty worldbuilding, is that recognizing the flaws means being able to fix them. 

anyway, even as i was reliving my teenage love of the 10th kingdom i was watching it and cringing at all the weird sexual innuendos that were paired with almost no physical affection, like they had a network standard to work around somehow, and thinking about how the story didn’t make nearly as much sense as i remembered it making...and it seems to me that the writing made it onscreen expecting the actors to fill out all the gaps and make it work. 

clearly they did, enough for a month of tv to air and a fanbase to develop including impressionable me--but it made me feel weirdly better about my revision struggles, because stuff that makes me cringe is still beloved by lots of people. my flaws can’t be that bad, i was reminded, because everything has flaws, even just in hindsight. 

relatedly, the only thing getting me through my rereading of old drafts (because i struggle to read, not because my drafts are yikes) is the fact that i want to be doing other things. i have soooo many gifs to make. i have such a post hoard to queue up to bring my blog back to life. i have asks to answer and yarn waiting to be knit and books to read and tv shows to watch...but i’m holding all of that back while i dig through the basic beginning of my editing work, because i know if i interrupt it midway i’ll never finish it.

as a method, it’s working well enough, but it’s so funny to me actually that every time i think of something else fun i want to do, i remind myself ‘not until you finish taking notes!’ and then i get a bit more done. if that’s what it takes, at least i found successful motivation.