#i forgot if i tagged my other posts with their names and dw tag as well or not before

[basslinegrave]

8.4.23 🍃🌿

[mommasboyapple]

Hello!

My name is Apple. I'm an age regressor :3

I'm not new around here, I've had agere blogs before but those are gone now :( hopefully I can find some of my old posts again.

This is a sideblog. I can't follow back nor can I like anything, because my main blog is a vent blog. I might sometimes reblog stuff from non-agere blogs but they are sfw dw!

Do not interact if you are hateful or sexualize agere thank you very much

About me:

★ am 20 years old, 21 in december

• I live in Europe

★ I'm transmasc

★ I like mlp, plushies, coloring, sanrio and more

• I'm dealing with a lot of mental problems right now, it's why I made this blog, so I could cope with things in a nondestructive way

★ if you have any other questions, feel free to ask ^^

• also forgot to say am autistic! please be mindful <3

Sum tags I use:

# apple posts -> posts that I made

# yummies -> pictures of food

# my frembs -> picture of my plushies

# rebloggy -> reblogs

# mlp -> my little pony stuffs

Thank you for reading! I hope you have a nice day <3

[thebloodbringscolorandfluoresce]

INTRODUCTION.

Hello; ladies & gentlemen, and everyone in between. Welcome to my blog where I post my poetry and cute pictures (of me included).

About me: you can call me Ames, or Angelcake (I like that pet name).

18 y/o, I use she/they pronouns; I'm a AFAB demigirl, bisexual & asexual (caedo). I'm mostly a good bean with a big heart, a fucking brat and switch (and a soft girlie). I like cute, creepy but also soft, kinky things. I like to explore my recovered girlhood thru photography and poetry, I also want to be more open with my sexuality but not in a very sexual way, and be open with my thoughts.

Status: In a relationship! I am not interested, may respond for +18 anons, but it's pure fantasy. I only fuck around with my sweet lover.

Ask: Open!

Anons: Open!

Taken Anons: 🦇

Mutuals: I am open to be mutuals! Just be over 18 please!

WARNING: my content may be explicit, in some instances, triggering. My poems are based on many life experiences and feelings of mine.

DNI:

Minors (my blog is for +18, I am an adult, but dw I don't post much NSFW because that's just not me)

I'm okay with men interacting, but... Creepy men, you disgust me! I ain't interested in nudes or s*xting, and don't get started with the "not all men" ramble. Be a good boy and just be nice to me, I'd prefer not to interact with me if you just wanna get off to me and try to turn me into a dumb brat.

Just because I like to post pictures of myself, does not mean I am your baby girl or anything. I am a BRAT! I am an attention seeker, but I deserve respect, it's important in the bdsm world alongside consent.

Racist, White supremacists, Homo/Transphobes. If you're overall a hateful person, fuck off!!!

Pro-ED, SH, self-destructive behavior. You can get better, you need to get better. I believe in you.

Biphobes, specifically terfs and biphobe lesbians! Just because I also like men, doesn't mean I am not a true sapphic too. And trans women/men/enbys, I love ya ❤

Acephobes, do not ask/send me nsfw pictures, I am not okay with that.

Over a certain age range, 30 and up be polite please and do not ask me for nud3s and stuff, I may be an adult now but that's creepy.

Some of my likes and fun facts: I'm part of the alternative culture, aiming more for a scene/emo look. Other aesthetics I like are grunge, western, fairycore... Basically eerily kinda vibes. I also love pink and small cute things, I collect CDs and pins mostly.

I love cartoons, art, video games, makeup and fashion. My favorite game franchises are Silent Hill, COD and RE.

Some of my favorite music includes Jazmin Bean, Halsey, Elita, Asking Alexandria, Mitski, Pierce The Veil, Poppy, BMTH, Slipknot... Anyways, my music tastes are pretty wide; mostly 90's to 2000's music.

I've been writing poetry since 2020, and I wish to publish my book one day.

I'm incredibly shy, and somewhat sensitive; my heart is too big for my own good sometimes. Currently trying to live life again.

BDSM Section (+18)

Like I said, I wanna express my sexuality and be part of this community, but I'm mostly a softie. Here's my k¡nk test results:

Turn ons: Praise, degrading (with my consent), basorexia, vanilla, dacryphilia, choking (with my consent), lingerie (either me wearing it or a sub), size k¡nk, brat taming.

I'm somewhat okay with masochism, spit, exhibitionism, bondage, DDLG/B (pet names can be discussed), predator-prey. This is because of my past trauma, which goes on with the sexual stuff, sadly.

Turn offs! : Feeding, any other fluids, fauxcest, dub-con (for me it must be heavily mutually consented), r4pe (that one I just can't, it triggers my past trauma), basically anything that goes beyond my limits and consent line. Any other I forgot you can ask and I'll let ya know.

You'll probably won't see me post this type of content as much, but just so you know, I'm not a minor safe blog!

Blinkies by @b4rk1ng-l0t

tags: #amy's poetry #amy's rambles

[randaccidents]

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: why was i not following you D:

fortunately, I have remedied this situation. worry not. Now use this ask as an opportunity to dump literally anything that's on your mind :3

(grabs this) CASHING IN ON THIS TO RANT ABOUT DESIGN DETAILS

This is me looking through the character refs and pointing at all the little things I apparently did while drawing them because DAMN putting some of these side by side puts things in perspective.

This gonna be a LONG ONE boys, and very much just an analysis of design details. Very skippable read dw.

HEART

okok the one that kickstarted a LOT of my mutuals interest, its Heart!

...I don't have much to say about him asdkjsdf literally what is on the tin. Goes directly from happy little mischievous goober to unconscious, injured, and missing wings. Even the clothes change has an in-universe medical reason, being that they want to keep an eye on the blackened limbs. (and post-Apathy he looks SO SMALL AND FRAIL SOMEHOW oughhh)

The MAIN THING is that pre-ROE is a proper character reference with details and stuff, while post-Apathy is completely stripped of all character that he had. Completely. Its not a character reference, its just a reference.

THE THING I THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD NOTICE. AND COMMENT ON THOUGH. IS THE NAME TAG I USED FOR HIM

Notice anything different about the name tag? Besides the timeline event?

THE HEART SYMBOL. I changed it from a cutesy drawn emoticon heart to an anatomically correct heart, to represent his change to being only the Physical Beating Heart.

The other thing being that post-Apathy is SIGNIFICANTLY DARKER in colour. There's still purple in it, but its dark and looks a lot less lively than the bright purplish-pink of pre-ROE. (I actually just blended a lot of black in so the purple is still sorta there)

OH and a design detail that I love about Heart's clothes. The EKG heartbeat on his clothes.

A subtle little nod to him being both the Emotional Side and also the Beating Heart.

MIND/PERSEVERANCE

Alright gonna start with again the thing I'm surprised no one commented on. The name tags. Really, there's only one thing here that's important (other than the fact that he changes his name)

Heart's blindfold. It tangles around him and is a reminder of who he is doing everything for. Even in his name the reminder and guilt lingers.

Onto the Mind!

I drew him in an open pose, looking lowkey like how my lecturers do when they're teaching. He's stood straight, dressed cleanly, and has a blazer on. It's hard to tell and I forgot to mention it, but his shirt is tucked in here. Very prim and proper, yet also a little relaxed with his hair down. You could even imagine him scolding Heart here that's what he looks like.

The Axon Dendrites I put on his shoulders are meant to call back to his roles as the Logical Side and the Physical Thinking Mind.

In contrast, Perseverance.

He is TIRED and STRESSED. He has eyebags now, and one hand is holding his temples (I literally hold my head like that when I'm stressed). The stress comes through in how he's undressed compared to his Mind reference. He's not wearing his jacket, and his shirt is untucked now. In the reference I also mentioned that his arms are slowly beginning to rust. Despite the state of undress, he's got his hair up. He's stopped taking care of himself and it is obvious in his stance. The fact that he isn't even looking up anymore, but looking down instead also sells this.

ALSO. Elements of Heart's colours being added to his design. Purple and white.

SOUL/PENITENCE

ough my babygirl. Starting with the name tags again, although this one isn't nearly as symbolic.

Other than a name change, I added a tiny little heart <3. Caring for Heart becomes central to him. (fun fact: initially I had the heart on the tines of the trident, but that just felt too mean) OH and the underline is his trident instead :D

Onto the Soul!

Pre-ROE is just so full of LIFE. He stands openly, his pose is open, you can see all of him. He's covered in color and little personal additions like a starred shirt, dyed clothes, charms, bracelets, and shoelaces. He's happily wearing a skirt. He's got short sleeves and rolled up pants, no fear or need to cover up.

Although... he does have his HMS charms on a chain. Interesting choice, a chain. Almost like he is chained by the dynamic of HMS and the loops-

Anyways, Penitence ref! Again, tws for graphic injury

And he's closed off. Literally, his entire pose is hunching inwards and closed. He's unrolled his pants and is wearing a hoodie that covers his entire arms length. He's closed himself off.

Design elements wise he's wearing Heart's hoodie. It consumes his entire identity. Just the barest hint of his original red colour scheme peeks through at the bottom.

And the chains. There's two now, one around his neck and one at his waist, holding the symbols of HMSW. Soul/Penitence is literally chained by responsibility, both before and after Heartless events begin.

And now for something else about the references that I did which is only obvious is you had them side by side.

Pre-ROE, Heart stands on the left while Mind and Soul stand on the right. Soul is even facing the right side of the screen. It foreshadows in incoming split that happens during Heartless.

Post-Apathy, Perseverance and Penitence continue facing away from each other, despite being on the same side of the screen. This is something I didn't share much yet but it foreshadows a future rift that they will have, as well as the fact that they aren't really improving from who they were pre-roe yet.

Heartless only improves when they ALL change for the better.

[vivi-needssleep]

Hello! I thought I should just post a pinned for my blog so y'all get to know me a bit better, so here it is :]

☆

My name is Vivi, I'm non-binary and use they/them pronouns! I'm also asexual polyamorous panromantic and I live in Asia, Singapore 🇸🇬 (Please use tone tags!)

I'm in way too many fandoms, have way too many interests, and like way too many things.

However, some fixations I have currently are: Charlie Slimecicle, D&D, Just Roll With It, Shadows over Welde, Overwatch 2, Doctor Who, SMii7Y, Gravity Falls, Sanders Sides, The Umbrella Academy 1, 2, & 3, Good Omens, Owengejuice, Rats SMP, Ranboo, Generation Loss, and {more will be added eventually!!}

Aaand some of my current most favourite characters/people are: Gillion Tidestrider (JRWI Riptide), Charlie Slimecicle (cc) & any character Charlie makes, Zephrael (SoW), Klaus Hargreeves (TUA), Junkrat (OW2), 11th, 10th, & 14th Doctors (DW), Sans (UT), Deviant Connor (DBH), Loki (Loki), David Tennant (actor), Robert Sheehan (actor), Stanford Pines (GF), Virgil (SS), Michael Reeves (cc), and {more will be added eventually!!}

(Go check all of them out, they're all awesome! /nf)

Some other things/hobbies I enjoy are: singing, *listening to music, acting (voice, stage, & movie/show) & roleplaying (in-game & text), playing games, creating OCs, personas, & worlds in my head, doodling, occasional writing, and a few other things!

*I don't have any specific favourite genre of music, I mostly listen to anything that interests me :P

Some games I like to play are Overwatch 2, Minecraft, ROBLOX (only the good games), and some others but I forgot :|

And my favourite movies are The Wild Robot, Turning Red, The Greatest Showman, The LEGO Movie, Inside Out 1 & 2, and C⚉raline

Feel free to reach out and ask me anything you'd like, remember to drink some water and have a good day! :D

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy the rest of my posts :]

☆

Note: This post will be edited and changed over time, so just be aware of that! ^u^

[lux-s-mind-com]

Purpose of this acc (plus a bit of an introduction)

Hello fellow reader or writer or poet or human, I’m Lux (that’s my pen name). I’m making this acc for a rlly cool idea I found on pinterest and that was to write a diary entry but rlly dramatized like the scene of a book. And to do that every day. So from now on I will use this app that I think was made to blog with these funny tags that make sentences to write my dramatized diary entries. They will probably be mostly fake, so dw if I write sm that sounds like an insane person wrote it, saying they see ghosts or smth. I will also write some random thoughts in here bc it’s fun and that way it feels more like a blog to me.

Now that you know what the inspiration was, why do I need a whole acc for it? Bc I JUST CANT WRITE A DIARY ENTRY EVERY SINGLE DAY. So I will use the internet to put some pressure on me. Thank you for being part of this.

And finally my fav part! Some facts about me:

I love jazz and bossa nova (I’m also half brazillian) and my fav bands are currently Return to Forever and Lamp WE ARE MARRIED IF YOU LIKE ANY OF THESE TWO ESPECIALLY IF IT’S RETURN TO FOREVER, ONLY OLD PPL KNOW THEM :(

Edit: I also like indie rock and I’m starting to like classic music too, so I just like anything that is instrumental and good

I’m good at latin >:) (and it may stay so if I cut excuses to learn vocabulary)

I’m 15 and genderfluidflux, normally use mirror prns but also others sometimes, I’ll put it in my bio if it changes (google what the things mean if you don’t know) and I’m mixed (brazillian and white, w native american (in brazil, duh) and african roots)

I like the sky a lot, it’s often in my pictures and was in my poem of yesterday :D

I have 3 novel wips (aka just bad involved ideas) for which I still don’t have plot nor the 1st draft (I keep writing poetry or just short texts to avoid them) 

Edit: I’m writing on a short story rn and IM ACTUALLY MAKING PROGRESS?? So yeah short stories are dope. I also love poetic use of language aka Shakespeare and good world building aka fantasy and good pacing aka Poe’s short stories

And lastly, I have an insta acc on which I post poems (also for Escapril) and pictures of things I like (not sky-pictures, already posted too many of them and that was a bad phase), so check it out if you’d like to read some poems :P (user: lux_the_poet_of_the_7_seas)

Now I’m gonna go watch Dead Poets Society cuz pinterest has been spamming me w it.

Edit: forgot to add that I love purpur tones but beige tones match me (and the whole poet/writer thing) more, plus I also like beige tones

[marleighdrinkscoffee]

Thanks for the tag!

Name: dw about it (on here I usually go by Marleigh)

Sign: Taurus

Time: 0902 hrs. Also 1330 hrs. because I went to church in between.

Last Movie: Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe Left Behind? My church did a movie night recently.

Last Show: The Mandalorian or Get Back.

When I Created This Blog: My first post was on 4 September, so probably then.

Other Blogs: none

Do I Get Asks/May you Ask me Something: I don’t often get asks, but I love them, so you may absolutely ask me stuff! I love hearing from y’all.

Average Hours of Sleep: probably six or seven…

Instruments: I play many instruments at varying levels of skill. I took five years of piano as a child (ages 8–12 I think), so I’m pretty good at that. I’ve been playing ukulele for about two years, and for a while I took lessons. When I was six and seven I played the tin whistle, but I don’t really remember it now. I can get through basic songs with the psaltery, guitar, and kalimba.

What I'm Wearing: my church clothes, so: a gray sweater, black pants, and beige suede boots. Ribbons in my hair because I hate rubber hair ties.

Dream Job: I don’t even know lol

Edit: I forgot to tag folks!

@geo-bby @tw1standshout @alyssmainwarning @binniesanuu @spoiledstrawberry @uglyfolkling @butterfly-with-wings-writes @myfairkatiecat @courtneythepiggy @tallbrownhairsarcastic @shades-of-tiefes-purpur @swans-chirping-in-the-distance @cassian-j-andor @redfive--standingby @levelheadednutcase @peaceloveandstarrs @myrockandrollking @lil-melody @an1d10t

Also anyone I missed or anyone who wants to join in!

ok @emlovessid tagged me in this and i kinda just forgot to do it so let’s for it

name: noa sign: leo dob: august 4 2005 time: is this like time where i am rn? if so 5:31pm last movie: the eras tour movie (i think) last show: skam france (season 4, just finished episode 3) when i created this blog: first post was November 15, 2021 so prbs then? other blogs: i have a lil writing blog @noaswritingcorner where it's mostly just poetry but i'll upload personal (non-fandom related) writing projects if i feel like it (and ever actually finish them LMFAO) do i get asks/can you ask me something: i haven't got any asks but feel free to ask stuff avg hours of sleep: honestly i don't really have an average, i really vary between like 2 hours and 11 hours instrument: guitar, ukulele, bass (i want to start the drums and keyboard/piano too though!) what i'm wearing: pj's, today's been a studying for my final high school exams day and i woke up at like 12pm dream job: fuck me if i know, i just want to do something i'm passionate about; dance, acting, makeup and styling, writing, music . i'm low key just going with whatever

tags: imma just tag my mutuals? (ig that's what they are lmfao) but no pressure lmfao @gaystheysanddinos @saintchaser @evbell @reggiecantswimm @my-beloved-fandoms @marzst4rz

[regenderate-fic]

The Line Between Love and Despair

Fandom: Doctor Who Ship: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan Series: Fanzine Prompts Rating: General Other Tags: Emotional Baggage, Between Series, Memories, Gender Identity Word Count: 3,439 Read on AO3*

*posted to an unrevealed collection. if you're seeing this early in the day, the AO3 version may not be revealed yet and the link may not work. this is the correct link and you will be able to see it soon!

Summary: Yaz, ever curious, asks the Doctor what she used to look like. The Doctor digs out some pictures. Set between s12 and s13.

NOTES: this was written for @whittakermastertrash for the dw creators server secret doctor exchange! the things i took from their prompt are thasmin, writing about women, emotions, and trans/non-binary headcanons. i started out wanting to write about the doctor's gender and it spiraled into this! i hope you enjoy ❤

“What did you used to look like?”

The Doctor, reading in the library, jumps. It’s Yaz in the doorway, holding two mugs— it’s always Yaz, these days, now Ryan and Graham have left. It’s good: the Doctor likes Yaz. It’s always nice to share her TARDIS with someone she likes.

“What do you mean?” she asks, setting her book aside. She gestures for Yaz to come sit next to her on the sofa: the plush purple sofa they found at a shop in the far future. Even on another planet in the year 400,000, there are still purple sofas.

Yaz joins the Doctor on the sofa, dropping down next to her as easy as anything. She puts the mugs down on the coffee table— two cups of chai. Yaz likes to make it the way her nan taught her, and when Ryan and Graham were in the TARDIS she’d make it for everyone, saying there was no sense in keeping it all to herself. Now, of course, she just shares with the Doctor, showing up every so often with two mugs in hand and a bit of conversation all ready to go.

“Before I met you,” Yaz explains. “I mean, when you were a white-haired Scotsman.”

“I’ve been a lot more than a white-haired Scotsman,” the Doctor says without thinking. She instantly regrets it. She tries not to talk about her past, even with Yaz— especially with Yaz, actually. Sometimes, when people find out more about her, they’re confused, or disturbed, or intimidated, or just plain scared, and the Doctor doesn’t want Yaz to feel any of that.

She doesn’t want Yaz to leave.

But Yaz has initiated the conversation, and the Doctor has begun to follow through. So she adds, “I’ve had lots of different faces, over the years. It’s part of my biology.”

“How does that work?” Yaz is sitting angled towards the Doctor, leaning in with interest. Her hair is nice today, the Doctor notices— up in its two little buns, like it often is. Well, her hair is nice every day, maybe. But the Doctor notices today.

“I haven’t the faintest idea,” she answers honestly. “I thought I knew, but—” She pauses. She doesn’t want to get into that. That’s very firmly in the Yaz-might-leave-her-if-she-knows category. She needs to stick to the facts. The things she does understand. “There’s this energy. When I get killed, this energy comes out of me.” She holds her hand in front of her, tilting it from side to side as if it were glowing with the telltale golden energy. “It heals all my wounds, but at the cost of my identity.” She looks at Yaz. “When I met you, I was still changing, you know.”

“I remember.” Yaz is smiling. “You forgot the word for tongue. And your own name.”

The Doctor nods. “Always scrambles me a bit. One time I almost slept through an alien invasion!”

“I’d like to see that,” Yaz laughs.

The Doctor jumps up. “Hang on, I think I have a picture somewhere.” She looks at Yaz. “Don’t go anywhere.”

“I won’t.” Yaz is fully curled up on the sofa now, her head resting against the top of a cushion. The Doctor feels Yaz’s eyes on her as she leaves. She’s still not really used to traveling with Yaz and only Yaz: there’s something different about it. Good different, definitely good different, but also… weird different. Yaz walks through the TARDIS like it’s her home— which it sort of is, at this point. And where the Doctor used to come into the kitchen in the mornings and find the noisy camaraderie of Graham trying to show Ryan how to flip a pancake while Yaz needled them both, now she finds just Yaz, smiling over a cup of tea as the Doctor walks in. It’s… intimate, is what it is. Intimate, in a way the Doctor has been trying to avoid.

Except she’s not doing a very good job, is she, now she’s about to go looking for her old pictures. She knows where they are, of course, stacked in boxes underneath the console. Always under her feet, when she’s traveling. Always with her. But if she’s trying not to get too close to Yaz, showing pictures of her old adventures probably isn’t the way to go.

(It’s too late, of course. She already is close to Yaz, no matter how much she tries to deny it. But she doesn’t want Yaz to leave her, and she doesn’t want Yaz to get hurt, and those are two things that always happen when she gets close to someone. So she's avoiding it.)

In the console room, she kicks open a panel in the floor and drops into the space underneath, landing with bent knees on a metal floor. There’s a ladder she could’ve used, but where’s the fun in that? The space is lit with a warm orange glow, just like most of the TARDIS is these days. It’s cluttered— the Doctor thinks of it as her equivalent of a human’s basement. A large space underneath her home, full of memories.

Of course, she has a lot more memories than an average human, and this space is much bigger than the average basement. It goes on as far as she can see, with boxes haphazardly stacked on top of one another, piles of clothes, books, bits of equipment, all scattered around the space. There’s barely room to walk. To an outside viewer, the space would look completely disorganized, but the Doctor knows exactly where everything is. And if she forgets, well, she’s always liked a good surprise. And she keeps the pictures near the front, in twelve shoeboxes: one for each version of herself. Well, each version she remembers.

She picks up the one marked “sand shoes,” then hesitates. If she’s going to show Yaz what she used to look like, she should probably bring the one marked “eyebrows.” And then if she’s going to bring that one, she should add “bow tie” to the list— and if she’s going to tell Yaz about regenerating into Sand Shoes, she should also bring “ears.” She glances at the other boxes. She doesn’t need to go further back than that, does she? Yaz doesn’t need to hear about the Time War, destroying Gallifrey— and it will hurt too much to talk about the old Gallifrey, the Time Lords, the people who used her pain and her childhood for their own benefit.

She doesn’t need to go there. She takes the four boxes she’s chosen and tosses them up onto the console room floor, pulling herself up after. Kicking the floor panel closed, she balances the boxes in her arms. She can barely see over them, but that’s all right: she could navigate the TARDIS in her sleep. She has navigated the TARDIS in her sleep, actually— Bow Tie had a nasty sleepwalking habit, back in the day. It helps that the TARDIS tends to be so very amenable to being navigated, shifting corridors around for the sake of convenience. The Doctor finds the library quickly and easily.

When she gets there, she finds Yaz in the same position on the sofa, scrolling through her phone. The Doctor enters, and Yaz looks up with the same half-smile she uses in the mornings when the Doctor comes in the kitchen— the one that says, Hello, I’m glad you’re here. The Doctor ignores the warm feeling she gets in her chest when she sees it.

“Brought my picture boxes,” she says.

“Do you need help with those?” Yaz asks, already standing up.

“I’m all right,” the Doctor says, but Yaz is already taking the two off the top and walking them over to the coffee table. The Doctor follows, dropping her two boxes onto the coffee table and taking her seat again next to Yaz. She picks up the mug Yaz brought her and takes a sip. It’s delicious, as always— Yaz knows her spices. And then the Doctor sets the mug back on the table, picks up the box marked “sand shoes,” and pulls off the lid. She’s immediately hit with a picture of Donna on her second wedding day, decked out in white and waving at the camera with a smile. This isn’t a good start: she’s already holding back tears.

She pushes the wedding picture to the side, revealing a Polaroid of her past self with Martha, both of them grinning at the camera. They were in the 70’s, the Doctor remembers, lost on their way to the 90’s, and they met a seventeen-year-old who was a little overexcited about her new camera.

She pushes that aside, and her hand touches cool metal: the cell phone she’d carried around in those days. It’s a flip phone, but it still has a camera on the front. She wraps her hand around it and closes her eyes. If she has pictures of herself right after regeneration, they’ll be on this phone— but there’s so much she doesn’t know if she’s ready to touch yet.

But Yaz asked, and the Doctor said she’d answer. One picture won’t hurt.

She pulls the phone out of the box. “My old phone,” she explains, waving it at Yaz. It’s just a silver flip phone, nothing special— she flips it open, taps in the passcode, half-surprised she still remembers it after all this time. Opens the photo album. An array of tiny thumbnails greets her, all pictures of her old adventures, her friends, her old self. She scrolls down to the very bottom and selects the first picture. A picture of her past self and Rose fills the screen. It’s after the alien invasion, the two of them eating Christmas dinner together— Jackie insisted on getting a picture on the Doctor’s phone, and two thousand years later the Doctor is glad of it, even with the lump in her throat. Her old self is pressed right next to Rose, her arm around him. Rose is smiling at the camera, and the Doctor is looking at her, an extremely silly grin on his face. The Doctor stares at it for a second, then looks at Yaz, who’s waiting patiently, her mug in hand.

“Here it is,” the Doctor says, tilting the phone towards Yaz. Yaz puts down her mug and nods, sliding closer on the sofa until her shoulder is pressed against the Doctor’s, her hair brushing against the Doctor’s shirt. The Doctor tries to pretend it doesn’t have an effect on her.

“Is that you?” Yaz asks, pointing to the Doctor’s old self.

“Right after regeneration,” the Doctor says. “After I woke up, of course. That was quite a day. Poor Rose, she had to try and fend off an alien invasion all by herself. Of course, she did brilliantly, and I woke up in the end.”

“Hold on, Jack mentioned a Rose,” Yaz says. She points to Rose in the picture, her smile frozen beneath her pink paper crown. “Is that her?”

There are tears in the Doctor’s eyes again. She nods. “Brilliant,” she says again. “One of my favorite humans.” She tries a smile, but it only makes the urge to cry worse. “She’s in a parallel universe now. Got a copy of me. Now that was a day and a half. Almost got myself killed by a Dalek!” She’s rambling now, trying to distract. “And then we all had to tow the Earth halfway across the universe, just in my little TARDIS. Absolutely brilliant.”

“The way you’re looking at her.” Yaz has gotten used to ignoring the Doctor’s rambles. She’s started cutting through the piles of meaningless stories and getting at what the Doctor is really saying. It’s dangerous, if you ask the Doctor. “You must miss her.”

“‘Course I miss her,” the Doctor says. She’s trying for breezy, but it’s coming out a little choked up. “I miss loads of people.” She glances back at the tiny phone screen. It hurts her hearts.

Yaz is still looking at the picture.

“It’s strange, too, seeing you as a man,” she says. “You’re so— you. Hard to imagine you being like anyone else.”

“Hard for me, too,” the Doctor says. “Until I actually become someone else, of course. That’s the tricky thing about regeneration. It doesn’t change your core, doesn’t change your memories or your values or anything, but it makes you different in so many other ways. People treat you differently, you like different foods…” She pauses. “And of course, sometimes who you become is influenced by people you knew before.” She nods at the phone. “That version of me got Rose’s accent. And before I met you, I had the same face as someone I’d met ages back, in Pompeii— a subconscious reminder to myself, I think.”

She pushes the “sand shoes” box to the side and grabs the one labeled “eyebrows.” She wasn’t really a photography kind of person, in this regeneration, but a few pictures still made their way in: there’s a very impressive shot of her past self onstage with that guitar and sunglasses, and another of the ID photo from the university where she lectured. But that’s not what the Doctor is looking for. She pulls out an iPhone— she got it after Clara insisted she needed a way to keep in touch, and then she dropped it deep in the pockets of her coat and forgot about it until, years later, Bill asked if she had a mobile. The phone feels bigger in her hands than she remembers. Instinctively, she tries to open it with her fingerprint, but it doesn’t work— of course. Her hands are smaller now, and her fingerprint has changed. She’s lucky she remembers the passcode. Navigating to her camera roll, she pulls up a selfie with Bill. Bill is smiling; the Doctor’s old self is looking at the camera suspiciously, like he doesn’t trust it. Well, to be fair, she didn’t, at the time.

“Here it is,” she says again. “What I looked like just before I met you.”

Yaz leans in to look. “Wow, your hair was no joke.” She points at Bill. “Is that another friend of yours, then?”

“Bill,” the Doctor says. “Brilliant friend. She’s made of water now. Or something. Didn’t really understand it, to be honest, but that’s all right. I love not understanding things. So did Bill, actually. And she seems happy.”

“She looks nice,” Yaz says.

“She was brilliant,” the Doctor repeats.

Yaz is looking at the Doctor’s old self again. “You look older here than you are now,” she says. “How’s that work?”

“Don’t know.” The Doctor stares at her old self: the lined face, the white hair. “Never know how I’m going to come out, from one body to the next. Sometimes I think I’m trying to tell myself something. Sometimes it’s just random chance. Could be any gender, any size, any age. Although actually, this is my first time as a woman.” The Doctor looks at Yaz and realizes that their faces are much closer than she realizes— she’s only a couple inches from Yaz’s cheek. “It’s about time, though,” she says, quieter. “Had enough of being a man.”

“What’s it like?” Yaz asks. She’s still looking at the phone. “Changing into a woman, I mean. After so many years.”

It’s the Doctor’s turn to fall silent now. She hasn’t thought much about it, but then again she has— it’s permeated every interaction she’s had since crashing into that train.

“I don’t really think of myself as having a gender,” she says finally. “In theory, anyway. Time Lords don’t really do gender in the same way humans do— well, it’s more complicated than that, but when your body’s always changing, gender seems a little more fluid, doesn’t it?” She shrugs. “But in practice, I wind up spending a whole lot of time with humans, so I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t sort of gotten used to people thinking of me as a man. I think that’s why I came out with this body, actually. Was telling myself it was time for a change.” She pauses. “If I didn’t want to be a woman, I suppose I’d just keep on being a man,” she adds, glancing back at the phone. “Not about to let a body stop me, am I? So I must’ve wanted to be a woman, somewhere deep down. I’m certainly not complaining now.” She chances a look at Yaz, who’s looking at the Doctor again with that half smile back on her face.

“I’m not complaining either,” she says, bumping the Doctor’s shoulder. “I mean, I like you this way.”

“And it’s fun being a woman!” the Doctor adds. “I get to experience the whole universe from a different angle. And isn’t that the fun of being alive? Getting to experience so many different things?”

“Like the mehndi at my nan’s wedding,” Yaz points out.

“Exactly!” The Doctor grins. “Just like that. No one ever invited me to do mehndi before! And even when people are treating me badly, it gives me a whole new perspective. It’s just brilliant, really.”

“Brilliant,” Yaz echoes. There’s a moment of silence, and then she asks, “Do you just keep changing, then? Forever?” Can you die? she doesn’t ask, but the Doctor hears it in her question.

“I don’t know,” she says honestly. “Used to think I could only do it twelve times, and then the Time Lords did something to give me twelve more tries, but now—” She pauses. This is getting into the territory of Things She Does Not Want To Talk About. “I might go on forever. Who knows? Maybe I’ll run out of new things to experience.” She stops short. That’s one of her deepest, darkest, fears. Not really something she meant to bring up to Yaz right now.

“Wow.” Yaz looks away. “Even if I lived to be a hundred, my life would be like nothing to you.”

The Doctor turns herself fully towards Yaz, pulling her legs up onto the sofa. On impulse, she grabs Yaz’s hands with both of hers, pulling them towards her. Yaz turns her head, her eyes only inches from the Doctor’s.

“Yasmin Khan,” the Doctor breathes. “Your life is everything to me.” There’s silence, for a moment, as Yaz stares at the Doctor with wide eyes, her breath warm on the Doctor’s skin, and the Doctor realizes she’s been too honest, too forthcoming. “Humans are amazing,” she tacks on, breaking eye contact. “Never underestimate the value of a human life. You’re not here very long, but you touch each other, you pass things on, you keep communities going over thousands of years.” She glances at the mugs on the coffee table, the chai Yaz learned from her nan. “There’s so much that humans do every day that I’ll never be capable of.” It’s the truth: the Doctor will never again get to have a home, a community, a family. She’ll never get to pass on her recipes to grandchildren, never grow old with anyone. She’s the only one of her kind, as far as she knows. No matter how much she reaches out, how many humans she befriends, travels with, falls in love with, she will always lose them.

She doesn’t want to lose Yaz.

Just like she didn’t want to lose Rose, or Bill, or Clara, or even Ryan and Graham, for that matter. But humans have their own lives to tend to. Even when they’re parallel lives, or water lives, or lives suspended between heartbeats. No one can travel with the Doctor forever.

She doesn’t want to look back to Yaz; she feels like she’s chickened out of something with her tangent, as earnest as it was. She doesn’t want to see the disappointment in Yaz’s eyes. But when she looks back, there’s no disappointment. Yaz is looking at her with some kind of understanding, and the Doctor’s heart sinks as she realizes Yaz understands her words a little too well. She’s never been as good at hiding as she wants to be, in this body. She can’t help it— this face reacts to everything. Tears well up for no reason. It’s a miracle she manages to hide as well as she does.

But Yaz doesn’t say anything. She just wraps an arm around the Doctor’s waist and squeezes.

“Must be lonely, being you,” she says. “Knowing you’ll always lose the people you love.”

“Yeah,” the Doctor breathes, tilting her head back. “Yeah, it is.”

Yeah. She's definitely getting too close to Yaz. But maybe it'll be worth it.

[nagiru]

It isn’t in my blood

Because I forgot abt this yesterday, I’m making one more of these posts. Like I mentioned on the last one, though, I’m finished with my DW stories, so, instead, we go to Bleach. Because I’ve flirted with way too many fandoms over the years (even though I’ve posted just a tiny bit of the stories I wrote, because, errr, some of my old ones are awful).

Since we’re starting a new fandom, I’m starting with the one I feel most proud of, of course. In Bleach, the fic I’m most proud of having written is It isn’t in my blood! Which, I’ll comment before I even get to the comments on it, is actually... very, very heavy. It’s Mature rated out of pure pain. Seriously. I’d recommend you read the tags before you read the story... or the comments down below.

So, as I said, this story is M rated. It’s also a UraIchi (Urahara Kisuke/Kurosaki Ichigo) story, because that’s the pairing I like in Bleach. Sue me.

Let’s start with the warnings that you all need to read before you even think about reading this story: in my blood is a hanahaki AU settled in the time skip between The Winter War and The Fullbringer arcs. It is told from Ichigo’s side, and in it he not only suffers from the hanahaki, but also from PTSD and a serious case of depression. Neither of which are strictly stated, but it’s certainly present. As is some suicidal thoughts and perhaps a bit of a suicidal ideation. Because Ichigo is in a pretty bad spot, in this story... and because I like to see him suffer.

Despite all the angst-fest, though, this story has a happy ending! And a hopeful ending! With, if you’ll excuse the hint of a spoiler, Ichigo getting help. Nothing outwardly stated about which kind of help, but he does, at the very least.

So, this story is a long one-shot, with almost 11k words in a single chapter. It’s also told in... what was the style, again?... mosaic style! (Well, that’s how it was named by a reader. Mainly, it just means that it isn’t exactly chronological, with pieces from the past/future being scrambled over each other)

What else? Mm, this story was never meant to get this big. I originally started it with the intent of writing, hopefully, 2k words of it. Then, I went over those 2k words and hoped I might get to 5k words. Then, I somehow went over that, and was just along for the ride. When I got to 9k words (and there was a lot of freaking out over text with my friends), I decided I’d make it to 10k words, because holy crap, look at that. And then I did it. 10.841 words of pure angst. I’m... I’m so proud of this baby it isn’t even fun.

This story was both my first hanahaki au and the first time I wrote with a playlist. Both things just added to the whole angst thing, because besides my liking to angst (and the fact I’d been reading up on PTSD for another story I never finished), my songs were... uhm... kind-of sad... and the au is generally pretty sad, too. So, everything piled up into a dragon’s hoard of angst. Because that happens, sometimes.

Despite everything, it does have a happy ending, as I mentioned. And a slightly romantic ending. So it isn’t a one-sided love, despite what it might look like. It is UraIchi, and everything goes... kind-of... fine at the end!

Because this has extended a lot already, I’d like to leave a bit of the story here, for anyone interested:

To prove my point with the depression thing: (Loving is like dying. Living is like drowning.)

A bit less angsty and more hopeful: Ichigo’s breath hitched, both in surprise and with the sudden rise of so many flowers he had to pull away in a hurry, only remaining upright because of the hands on his shoulders as he coughed and heaved, flowers falling in cascade around their legs.

Well... that’s it, because otherwise I’d actually quote too many things.

If anyone likes hanahaki AUs that are both sad and have a happy ending... and is, somehow, interested in both Bleach and UraIchi, please, give this story a go? And if anyone leaves a comment, be assured that I will most definitely come back to you with a response!

[jojoids]

[ID: a short video and a series of digital drawings based around Kakyoin from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure.

The video features an animation of Kakyoin visibly enjoying dancing to the song from a commercial linked here. He hops onto the screen from the right side in time with the music and then starts raising his arms up and down in a forward motion as he rotates 180 degrees. Once he turns fully around he starts shaking his backside and incrementally raising his arms beside him until they are almost fully raised horizontally to his body. He spins back around and raises his arms above his head with a blush on his face and a smile. When the music repeats he does the same sequence but this time he comes in from the left of the screen. After the second time finishes it cuts to his body completely turned toward the right side of the image with his left arm raised above his head and his right arm held forward horizontally. With the music he turns his head and directly faces the viewer. The sequence repeats with his body turned to face the left side and his right arm raised while his left is held forward horizontally. With the music he again turns his head to directly face the viewer. With the last cue it cuts to him standing straight facing the camera with a heavily exaggerated cartoon expression in a wide smile. He gives a thumbs up and winks. End Video

The first image is a digital sketch of Kakyoin with his eyes closed and his hand raised in a gesture to someone offscreen. He says "not to be cringe or anything but you guys are like my first friends"

In the next image the view is expanded and we can see that he was addressing Jotaro and Polnareff. Kakyoin is now looking at them as Polnareff replies "omg me too." And Jotaro says "lol same." All three share a soft smile.

The third image has two different drawings of Kakyoin. The first one is him from the chest up looking down with an empty and defeated expression on his face. He pauses. In the next drawing the view is zoomed in and he now looks panicked with his eyes wide, eyebrows furrowed, and multiple droplets of sweat on his face. He thinks "how do you talk to people."

In the last image Kakyoin looks tired and distressed with his eyes emphasized with bags and worry lines. He is resting his head on Heirophant Green's shoulder and leaning into his chest as his stand wraps their arms around him comfortingly. End ID]

yay kakyoin brainrot post yay

im so sorry i forgot to post these here uhm

[kingsofeverything]

WIP folder

The Rules: List the names and a short description of all the files in your WIP folder, then tag some fellow writers to do the same.

anitra @allwaswell16 tagged me to do this because i said i didn’t want to lol i’m going to list them in order of likeliness that they’ll get written lolllll

anon fic. this fic is anonymous so uhhhhhhh it’s about louis and harry and they fall in love

distant future sci fi au. this is the fic idea i just had yesterday. it’ll be nonlinear which is going to be a pain in the ass for me because it’ll involve doing things a certain way and this fic is not the boss of me. i don’t want to spoil anything, but i’m thinking it’ll be both povs as well. in my head it’s not enemies but like..... general disdain to friends to virtual strangers to friends to lovers, but who knows what will happen when i start writing lol. hmmmm what else can i share without spoilers...... harry and gemma are like geniuses. oh! and louis leaves earth (and harry) and doesn’t come back (this fic could literally never happen lol i haven’t written one word)

graphic design is my passion louis. this fic is based on a prompt uhhhhh hold plz..... the next to the last prompt in this post. i have a few k already written idk why but i need this art student louis, history student harry au.

vampire!harry. well i wrote 20k+ for this and decided i didn’t like it and wanted to start over. the story in my head is greeeeeeeat. like really good. nice and safe and in my brain where nothing will happen to it lol

tshu2 which is titled ‘the drum beats out of time’ but isn’t written yet lol. i have a partial time line and a partial outline but that’s it. 

not groundhog day au. welllll it’s like the movie groundhog day, but on xmas eve instead. harry pov. idk if it will work. he’s got to be an actual asshole in the beginning soooooo. i want to write it though just because i think it’d be super interesting to see him fall in love with louis in the 24 hour time loop lol because they start out as basically hating each other.

other sci fi au. original sci fi au lol. i started this fic like 2 years ago??? is that right? holy shit. anyway i wrote a few k on it and decided i didn’t like the way i’d written it, so i’m pretty much scrapping it and starting over. but i love the idea for this one. it’s unusual and i want to write it probably second to the new sci fi au. 

tiny 3 which is started as tiny 2 but lol i decided to change it. this is the one where harry is a photographer who does coffee table books. and louis is an architect. have a few k on it but got stuck, so hopefully changing that one little thing will make a difference when i sit down to write on it again

dws 4.... idk why i have this listed as 4 in my spreadsheet when there are already 6 fics in the series on ao3. ANYWAY this is the fic that takes place like a week or 2 after chapter 8 in dws. i was initially doing all of the timestamps from harry’s pov but i want to do this one in louis’ pov. harry goes up to spend the weekend with louis, meets niall, etc etc etc. have a few words on this lol literally like one paragraph

rocky horror au- title: science fiction, double feature. community theater puts on rhps. louis wants to be frankenfurter but niall casts harry instead. hate to love. etc etc. i have a few hundred words on this. 

camper fic / porch louis. honestly really want to write this one but idk if it’ll ever happen. i combined 2 fics lol. camper fic tag is here. but a lot of that’s changed. louis isn’t famous for one thing. hmmmmm..... the porch louis part of it was inspired by the song shy by leon bridges

broken fang vampire!harry and dentist!louis (it’s as stupid as it sounds lol)

nirvana karaoke fic. based on uhhhhhhhhhh harry singing nirvana karaoke. it’s their 25th hs reunion. that’s........... all i’ve got

traveling fic. i have zero written for this but ideassssssssssssss. for like 2 years i’ve been thinking about it. they’re newly dating. harry’s been planning a year long trip around the world, so wasn’t trying to date anyone but wooohoooo louis came along like idk 2-3 months before harry’s trip starts. harry asks him to drop everything and like quit his job and come with him. 

i’m going to stop there because there are more but mostly just ideas for fics. 14 is enough and i’ve probably left one off that i’m actually already writing but forgot about. tagging @halosboat @horsegirlharry @catfishau @sometimesambroswrites @velvetnoodle @indiaalphawhiskey 

[clockworkouroboros]

That thing that @gallifreyburning did, that’s what I’m gonna do. I consider myself tagged.

Nicknames: Emmy, Em, Millie. Arya. One time I got the nickname of Storm but it only lasted for a day so I don’t really answer to it.

Gender: female

Sign: Libra

Height: 5’ 2 1/2”

Time: 6:59 pm

Fave bands: uh. Currently I’m really obsessed with Traffic, which is a late ‘60s/early 70s band that I think counts as prog rock. But it sounds unlike all other prog rock. Also a big fan of Cream right now. But it changes all the time.

Fave solo artists: again, it changes all the time. I’m a fan of Peter Gabriel, Eric Clapton, Sting... the list goes on.

Song stuck in my head: Leave It by Yes

Last movie I saw: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Last show I watched: Blue Bloods. I don’t actually watch the show, but family members do, and I sat through like the last ten minutes so.

When did I create my blog: earlier this year, maybe July?

What do I post: mostly Doctor Who and my favorite DW spinoffs.

Last thing I googled: “Anna karenina characters,” I was writing a book report for school and I blanked on some of the names.

Do I have any other blogs: nope!

Do I get asks: only occasionally, and only from mutuals so far.

Why did I choose my URL: it’s Doctor Who and Faction Paradox. Also, I meant to make my url clockworkouroboros, because I was reading The Book of the War at the time, but then I forgot when I was actually coming up with a url.

Following: a little less than 100 I think. I’m having problems with tumblr right now so I’m not going to check.

Followed by: between 85 and 90, but I think there are a lot of porn accounts

Average hours of sleep: 8 1/4 hours. I’m very punctual about that for the most part because I don’t want to get burned out from a combination of too much schoolwork and a bad sleeping schedule.

Lucky number: I don’t have one, but when I was younger it was 52

Instruments: I’ve been playing the cello since i was 4, but because there was a year in there where I didn’t play, I’ve been playing for 12 instead of 13 years. I’ve done some stuff with piano, maybe five years?? But I don’t play anymore. And I did like 3 years on flute. And I’ve been singing for as long as I can remember lol.

What am I wearing: corduroy pants, a white tank top, and a button-down shirt

Dream job: I actually have no idea. I would like to either be a successful musician or doing something academic. My friends all agree that I’d make a good absentminded professor.

Dream trip: this changes depending on my mood! What I’d really like to do is a heritage trip, because I’m very interested in genealogy, so that would involve visiting France, Norway, Scotland, Wales, England, the Netherlands, and southern Germany.

Fave food: idk I have trouble picking favorites. Pasta, or some tomato-based soup, probably.

Fave song: uh. The first two songs that popped into my head when I read this are Dear Mr. Fantasy by Traffic and Can’t Find My Way Home by Blind Faith.

Last book I read: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Currently working on Timewyrm: Revelation, The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton, and The Jungle by Upton Sinclair.

Top 3 fictional universes I want to join: Narnia, Middle Earth, and the Paris of The Aristocats. That would be pretty nifty.

If you want to do this, consider yourself tagged! Also, if you’re in the Galli chat, I’m specifically tagging you guys, but I’ll never remember all the tumblrs, so: you know who you are.

[phycorb]

Tag game!

Rules: Answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people who you want to get to know better. ((I might not tag 21 people just bc I’m lazy))

Tagged by: @possiblyelven thaaankksss!! So much!! I love those!! Sorry that I saw you tagged me 5 days after you did!!

Name: Nel Orion

Nickname: most people (that im out to) call me “Nel”. The rest use my deadname.

Gender: Nonbinary

Zodiac: Aquarius

Height: 1.70 m

Time: 00:10 AM. I have college tomorrow. Yeah

Favourite Musicians: Korn, Sabaton, Metallica, lots of other stuff

Song Stuck in My Head: the Doctor Who opening theme, since i just listened to that

Last Movie I Saw: well i watched dw. Before that, I watched a movie with a friend, but forgot it’s name.

Last Thing I Googled: sabaton, cause i was momentarily unsure if i spelled it right. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Other Blogs: Wellll there are a few. Those are listen on my page too, but welll I nevr say no to a self-promoting opportunity

@dw-is-eating-my-life - my Doctor Who blog. Used to be a place where I cried over how much I stan Missy but haven’t done that in a while, since the Master hasn’t appeared in dw in ages

@yoi-recs - my Yuri On Ice fic rec blog. Please give it some love, I worked a little on setting up it’s tag system. I dont have many followers and I am not sure if they use the tag list on the blog.

@non-binary-loki - My marvel blog. Haven’t posted here in a while. Will probably turn more active once i get more loki content

@journeythroughphysics - my studyblr. Haven’t been active in a while. Might pick it up again since I’ve got incoming exams

Do I Get Asks: Not much. Depends. Send me love y’all!!

Why I Chose this Username: I have a trend of using usernames that are a combination of adjective + insect. I’ve started making all my usernames like that.

Following: 632 (as in the blogs I follow). I have less than 150 followers on this blog.

Amount of Sleep: 7 hours usually. Whenever my alarms tells me I have 8 hours of sleep left I am amazed

Lucky Number: 2

What I’m Wearing: pajamas

Dream Job: succesful theoretical physics researcher

Dream Trip: honestly anywhere outside of the country. I love the airplane!

Instruments: Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Favourite Foods: I love many things! Pizza, Icecream, soup, seafood, eggplant salat, chips, chocolate, etc

Favourite Songs: I’m out of a favorite right now. Ive been listening a lot to girls/girls/boys recently, tho

Tagging: @hug-girl @lifeistrash13, Ale too but for some reason its not working, @argayzi, all the other gays whose usernames I forgot, my discord baes, @caramida9, @mbti-freak hewwo boi, everybody else who might wanna try it

[feckyeswriting]

What's new? What's happening?

cross-posted from DW

The Good

Absolutely adorable anon comment meme for the holidays *heart eyes activate*

✨ holiday love meme 2021 ✨ - my thread here if you wanna leave an anon comment

Had a really relaxing long weekend other than all the insomnia and will be looking forward to enjoying my Heart Attack gift soon in December!

Getting decent progress done on X-mas shopping. I think I've gotten almost everything at least planned out for Doc and for the majority of the list.

The Less Good

Work is... I don't want to say it's gotten less crazy because it really hasn't, especially as soon as anyone who isn't me takes PTO. It's work. It's shit but at least I can WFH on Mondays and Fridays and that's somewhat decent. I'm not putting in 110% until I finish year end reviews... in January because they frankly don't fuckin deserve it.

One of my friends is totally AWOL and I hate feeling powerless to do anything about it.

Family is still a nightmare. Gonna need to rip that band-aid off soon, but Christ do I wish they would just man up and do it themselves.

The Fic Updates

The only constant thing in life is death, taxes, and fic updates bc they're a delicious source of dopamine. Here's the nonsense I've been doing lately and forgot to cross-post neatly like a Boss:

Marvel Miscellany

Title: I am not a martyr; I'm a problem - Ch 1 / ? Rating: T Fandom: The Punisher (TV), Daredevil (TV) Pairing/Characters: Karen Page/Frank Castle, Billy Russo Critical Tags: AU where Billy's OK actually, Messy Relationships, Fix-It Summary: There was one last play that Karen could call when her world goes to shit and she’s caught in the sights of Fisk’s hitman. A messy chorus of asking for favors, offering to walk away, and accepting that needing help wasn’t the same thing as using someone else. Excerpt:

This wasn’t time for a pity party. She was still in danger. Her hand brought the phone back down finally, and Karen stared at her contacts list for a long while. Every time that she scrolled through, her focus would go to Matt, Foggy, Ellison. Arguably everyone was just as royally screwed as she was and knew it, but Matt, he didn’t know about her inadvertent admission to Fisk. Even if he had suspected that Matt was more than just the lawyer by day, perhaps he had had enough doubt to stay his hand from retribution. Now though…

Another sedan rolled by. Karen shrunk back in her seat, trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible.

She didn’t have time to agonize over Matt right now, even if she was exactly that - in agony. Her next call went to an automated voice mailbox. The message that she left was simple, to the point. “It’s Karen,” she explained. “And it’s real bad.”

Title: Better Together Rating: T Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe Pairing/Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton/Natasha Romanoff Critical Tags: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort Summary: Trauma sits deep in the bones. It hunkers down, digs in, refuses to leave. They all know what it's like to be haunted by the past. Excerpt:

The advantage of being three not two allows them some small mercy. When Natasha is four weeks gone on some undercover quest, at least Clint and James can prop the other up instead of succumbing to the misery. If Nat’s the one at home, she is the best at picking up on when the boys need space or not. It’s when one isn’t back in the security of home and the others that things get rockiest.

Between the three of them, there are more than enough skeletons in the closet to try to rise up and lay claim to troubled consciences.  

Title: Better than a Talking Space Raccoon Rating: T Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe Pairing/Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanoff Critical Tags: Mission Fic, Atonement Summary: Natasha wants to help James with his list of names. Just... maybe not in the way that his therapist suggested. Excerpt:

The metal chair scraped on the ground as Natasha shifted next to him. Both of them had dragged them to be against the wall of the cafe. Better viewpoint, but not great for keeping eye contact. It suited them just fine. “Oh I wasn’t asking for your so-called doctor’s benefit. I was asking because I’m bored.”

“Bored,” James repeated. He spun the coffee between his palms once more.

“And so are you. If making amends is something that’s state sanctioned-”

“I don’t think you can call it that,” James interrupted. Natasha made a face and waved off the details with a hand.

“If making amends is approved behavior-” she changed the term but clearly not her intended meaning, “-then that at least gives you something to do other than sit in your apartment feeling sorry for yourself and missing Steve.”

Title: What Happens in NOLA (Results in a Lifetime Ban and Another Burned Fake ID) Rating: T Fandom: The Punisher (TV) Pairing/Characters: Frank Castle & Karen Page & Billy Russo Critical Tags: Self-Indulgent Fluff, Alcohol Summary: “It’s N’Orleans,” Billy drawled, the local affect sounding out of place through his accent. “We can live a little.” “You’re supposed to be dead. That’s kind of the opposite idea,” Frank retorted. --- Frank really, really shouldn't let Karen and Billy drag him into a bar crawl. Excerpt:

“Now hang on,” Frank warned when the waitress started to pour out the shots. He recognized the challenge in Karen’s eyes as she slid the first shot across the table to Billy.

“C’mon. Come on,” he protested louder as the two leaned forward to link arms before knocking back the liquor.

Karen had the good graces to look slightly mollified. She wiped her lips with the back of her hand before hiding the start of a grin behind the neck of her beer. “What?” she replied with a snicker. Billy had an arm slung over Frank’s shoulder, batting his eyelashes as though he had done nothing wrong. In the same moment his free hand was creeping towards Frank's as-of-yet-unclaimed shot glass.

“This is not turning into a bar crawl,” Frank said firmly.

Title: No Proper Way to be Vigilante-Adjacent Rating: T Fandom: The Punisher (TV) Pairing/Characters: Frank Castle/Karen Page/Billy Russo Critical Tags: Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff Summary: No one tells you how you're supposed to live your life when you're close with the supers and not-so-heroes of Hell's Kitchen. Excerpt:

Being Vigilante-Adjacent came with a lot of, shall we say, unique problems. Karen thought that she had seen them all over the course of her time spent working - albeit unknowingly - for Daredevil for half a year while also working to exonerate Hell’s Kitchen’s own Punisher. Danger was always around the corner, she started to question when she was given the simplest explanation for things, and the fact that she had to start memorizing people’s phone numbers again because they kept jumping from burner phone to burner phone was really getting on her nerves.

But all of that turned old-hat at a certain point. She had a classic, unhackable address book for phone numbers. Her current job in journalism excused her penchant for follow up questions when something seemed too good to be true. And she didn’t travel on her own around the city all that often.

Leverage

Title: The Retrieval Job Rating: T Fandom: Leverage Pairing/Characters: Eliot Spencer/Parker/Quinn Critical Tags: Established Relationship, Rescue Missions Summary: Portland’s best and brightest criminals decide to take a hostage to exact some leverage of their own against the crew running in their town. They don’t quite plan on the retribution that rains down on them. Excerpt:

She could settle for cereal. She had gotten by on cereal for years until now. But a part of her was still upset at missing out on Eliot's cooking. Parker couldn't even rely on Quinn coming by with doughnuts from the bakery down the road to cover the middle ground between pre-made and home-cooked. He was out of the country for the rest of the week.

That might have been why the apartment felt so empty. Chances were good on a normal day that if Eliot was out, the other body man was around. The nice thing about contract work - with the right sized payouts - was the down time they afforded in between. Parker knew the Leverage crew didn't have a job. They weren’t even running surveillance on anything upcoming. So where did that leave Eliot?

This was an awful lot to consider before breakfast, and Parker plopped herself down at the kitchen bar with a fresh bowl of cereal and some homemade juice to delay some of that heavy lifting. Immediately she had to leave the seat to go fish her phone out from the side table in the bedroom that she had left it on. At least that gave her the opportunity to snatch a flannel button up - probably Eliot’s; Quinn intentionally made sure his got hung up rather than leaving them in the clean laundry basket to get, gasp, wrinkled - to toss on over her tank top.

She scrolled through her messages, the frown from earlier returning in force. Even munching on her current favorite frosted wheat-y bits didn’t cut through the irritation at getting a metaphorical earful from Hardison and Sophie texting her if she could please tell Eliot to pick up his phone. She wasn’t Eliot’s secretary. In fact, she hadn’t been a secretary since that job with the attorney general. Something about ineffective note taking and a dislike for returning phone calls. Who would have known.

Parker tapped back a suitably grumpy negative, resolved to leave it at that.

Shadow and Bone (TV)

Title: Depart, Depart Rating: T Fandom: Shadow & Bone (TV) Pairing/Characters: Aleksander/Alina Starkov Critical Tags: Major Character Injuries Summary: Aleksander is delayed by that damned otkazat'sya boy, and Alina is the one attacked in the dressing room. Excerpt:

He let out a heavy sigh when finally Oretsev allowed himself to be removed. The tracker stomped his way out but at least he couldn’t slam the door behind him. Aleksander paused to re-check his appearance before returning to the Grand Palace. He didn’t want his irritation at the tracker to follow him back to the party.

Another knock at the door had said irritation rise once more. “What?” Aleksander growled. “Enter!” he added when Ivan announced himself.

The instant that Aleksander saw the Heartrender’s expression he knew this was no minor nuisance like Oretsev. While Ivan was hardly a joyful person, his face was drawn and sweat dotted his temples.

“There’s been an incident, moi soverenyi,” Ivan said. The next words from the Heartrender had Aleksander crossing the room in a single breath. “When Miss Starkov left the receiving room.”

Title: Turning Away Rating: T Fandom: Shadow & Bone (TV) Pairing/Characters: Aleksander/Alina Starkov Critical Tags: Angst, S01E08 No Mourners Summary: "Am I just supposed to let you go?" A prompt ficlet. Excerpt:

They’re standing at odds with one another, the deck of the skiff the only thing separating them. Alina’s sunlight is chasing away the lingering volcra. The lingering dead around them will only serve to draw them back again to snap and whine at the shining circumference around them.

Alina stares down Aleksander, stares down the man who has collared her and forced her hand in drawing these battle lines between them. Mal and the others, whoever they were, are still scuffling with the remaining Grisha. They are not soldiers in her command but still they fight.

Aleksander is the first to step forward, to approach the invisible line between them. Alina draws back until her back hits the railing of the skiff. Aleksander stills as well, though she suspects it is because of how she cannot stop her face from betraying the spike of fear that floods through her.

“This isn’t what I wanted,” Aleksander insists.

Title: Supposition Rating: T Fandom: Shadow & Bone (TV) Pairing/Characters: Aleksander/Alina Starkov Critical Tags: Post-Season One, Angst Summary: /ˌsəpəˈziSH(ə)n/ noun an uncertain belief. Excerpt:

“The whelp offered you his hand in marriage?” Aleksander questions, his voice a whisper she shouldn’t be able to hear. It doesn’t carry through the air like sound should and yet it coils around her heart and squeezes tight. With their tether binding them together, Alina can always tell what he means.

Title: Where Hoofbeats and Hearts Thunder - Ch 15-17 Rating: T Fandom: Shadow & Bone (TV) Pairing/Characters: Aleksander/Alina Starkov Critical Tags: Horses, Gift-Giving, Drama Summary: With Zarya finally back in horseshoes, Alina and Aleksander can return to their journey. Excerpt:

The poor weather had started before either of them woke up. The sunrise had been sluggish to come, fighting and losing to the grey snow clouds that had come down from the mountains.

When she eventually had tugged open the curtains after leaving the fading warmth of the blankets Alina had actually huffed in disgust. It wasn't light snow, either. Her attire required all her layers, including the conspicuous kefta.

The one that Novikov’s daughter was looking at with outright disgust now. “I didn’t know they let your kind in here,” the woman sneered. “They didn’t send you packing?”

It was nothing new, really. Whether Alina was Grisha or otkazat’sya, it seemed that there was only so many different ways to render bigoted opinions. It just hit her like a slap to the face that it happened so quickly and without any warning.

[aikainkauna]

Sorry I haven’t been giffing/posting/reglobbing much lately, guys. It’s that behemoth of a fic swallowing up all my sitting-upright time (and a big chunk of my reclining time). Four chapters or so to go and I’m still spending about 7-11 hours every day combing the remaining text for typos (yes, some of us actually do care about our fics and don’t think it’s some dirty “trashy,” “guilty pleasure” of less value), so it’s a full-time job with overtime. So if I’m slow to respond to anything, it’s that. I’m sure that soon enough, the post-fic existential emptiness will be upon us and you’ll be seeing more gifs and tag yelling.

Although it’s just been so quiet among the nice people here and so loud among the idiots that I might just take several steps back from Tumblr in general, just for my mental health. There seems little point in making gifs nobody reblogs and saying anything when it’s drowned out by the types who give liberals a bad name (honestly, some of the shit people say on here would already have made me a Nazi were I a bloke, because apparently nothing is ever enough and I’ll always be Doing it Wrong anyway; you’re not making tolerance seem worthwhile, if you nevertheless beat the tolerant person up for wearing the wrong types of socks).

I’m still looking for that fandom old people’s home, so if you find it, that place where people are old enough to have some fucking perspective, do let me know.

This whole place is eerily reminiscent of an abusive relationship where you’re constantly having to tiptoe because you never know when the next explosion is going to come and where from, what sort of utterly random thing someone is going to call abusive now and beat you up for, even if you’ve been working hard not to upset them, have made deliberate choices to accommodate them because you know their wounds. It’s like Borderline Personality Disorder, but in the form of a website. (And yes, I know first-hand what BPD is like. Had the spouse, had the flatmate, had the fuckbuddies, had the friends.) And the worst thing about BPD is that it’s catching: being around a human minefield makes everyone jumpy, and then *their* jumpiness becomes tyrannical towards others (when the hurt person is just self-defending, they feel) and then the cycle continues. Everybody is paranoid and beating everybody up in the name of great justice, and undermining everyone else’s psyches to the point where they become human minefields themselves. And they don’t know how to stop that cycle, if they’re in denial about having a problem, because of course, if you hurt and lash out, you’re just defending yourself. (Being told you’re a shitty person for freaking out at a trigger is worse than being triggered. Good luck trying to crawl out of that into any semblance of health, if you feel you’re just an explosive piece of crap forever.)

And while I know I can help a bit by stepping outside of that and offering fic and pics and lols where people can forget about it all, I’m still in two minds about offering it in a direction where the recipient is never going to be happy anyway, and where the effort is (or seems) wasted as long as the receiving end isn’t doing any conscious healing/rebuilding itself to better appreciate healthier things. It does nothing. Why am I buying medicine for someone who abuses me for it and throws the bottle in my face? I’ve been there, trying to please people who were locked up in their traumas and paranoias, throwing all my love and effort and work at them to no avail because I thought I could help; I’m not keen on doing it again. Because now I’m old enough to know I’m wasting my time, as brutal and as “selfish” that sounds (how about calling it “self-preservation?” “Sanity?” “Kindness to oneself?” I know women are beaten out of daring to have that, for daring to even think their lives aren’t meant to be lived for other people, but fucking watch me go).

Just like partners and friends aren’t the same as professional help, fandom isn’t the ultimate cure for depression/trauma unless there’s an inner change in the ill person to better utilise it. I was that ill person and I had to go through a lot of therapy and growth to not become a 24/7 abusive bitch myself (I still have shitty hypersensitivities, but those are in-built–they’re bad enough). I changed the way I see fannish activities (I now really do see them as medicine), and only then could I enjoy them to the fullest and only then could I start writing really good fic, because it comes from a firm ground of faith in the inherent value of fic. It’s a really complicated thing to explain, the interrelationships of fandom, queer people and mental health (there should be a book on fandom/queerdom and mentalness–we are wonky in the head, sometimes fucking awfully so, and it’s *not* all due to persecution but genes).

But my gist is that there’s no point in endlessly remaining in a draining relationship with someone who doesn’t want to heal–Tumblr’s anxiety-mongering culture of self-hate, ahoy! One has to pick one’s “battles” and channel one’s energy somewhere where it’s actually going to bear fruit. Not on a site that says the phrase “I don’t discriminate by colour” is racist, or that a feminist, mixed-race royal princess “isn’t enough” or that a given sexual minority gets to rule it over everyone else. Not on a site full of kids who are too young/American to have known *real* homophobia and racism, and who don’t realise that for most people, in the real world, even not being racist or homophobic is a *choice.*

Which is why I miss that supportive community of other brainy, feminist and reasonable fans who actually had conversations so. Fucking. Much. Where are they? (DW is where the militant vegan lesbian sociopath SJWs went, and if you’re not keen on eternal frowny moral meta, ehhh.)

Where’s the actual fun? Where are the other fans who are old enough to have been through therapy and who have experienced real relationships and have known actual real “minority” people IRL, and who consequently have an open mind about things? Who can see that things really aren’t as black and white as they thought they were when they were in their teens? Where are the fans who know something about psychology and psychiatry? The ones who know how gendered socialisation works and just how deep it goes, and who aren’t fans of Tumblr essentialism and its blindness to gender-based toxins? The fans who actually understand and respect the intelligence of other fans, instead of kneejerk assumptions of ignorance and moral corruption? The fans who legit don’t think a Gen X writer who forgot to use–or simply didn’t know about the existence of–a new politically correct term, is as evil as Hitler (because ignorance=/=active, intentional oppression, Jesus!)? The fans who respect the labor that goes into fanfic and fanart and always leave comments or otherwise support fan creators, instead of thinking of writers as vending machines for something “dirty” they feel ashamed for reading?

Because I’m that kind of “old” fan and I’ll be there for you if you’re there for me.

I just need to know where the fuck you are!

[tenrose]

rTAG GAME

Tagged by @starksnstripes :)

1. countries I’ve lived in: France

2. fave fandom(s): Tolkien, DW, Star Trek, Clexa, Shadowhunters

3. languages you speak: Fnrech, English and a bit of Spanish

4. favourite film of 2017: Wonder Woman!!

5. last article i read: I don’t know cause it was last night and I’ve already forgot lmao

6. shuffle your music library and put the first three songs here:

No Wow - The Kills

Person of Interest - Ramin Djawadi 

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

7. last thing you bought online: I can’t remember, it was such a long time ago... I don’t shop online a lot. Anddefinitly not books.

8. any phobias or fears: Snakes, people

9. how would your friends describe you? Crazy and funny

10. how would your enemies describe you? Who is she?

11. who would you take a bullet for? Well bullets are not exactly something that we cross often in my country first of all, lmao. But I guess my family.

12. if you had money to spare what would you buy first? Honestly I don’tknow, I’m fucking poor and I can’timagine all the things I’ll need to buy lmao.

13. nickname: Dada by my brothers

14. starsign: Gemini

15. height: 1,62m

16. time right now: 11:30pm

17. last thing I googled: movies of 2017, because I forgot everything lmao

18. song stuck in my head: Feelings by Hayley Kiyoko

19. last movie watched: A movie with Julia Roberts in which she was working for a lawyer and fought against a huge firm. It’s apparently a true story. I don’t rember the name.

20. last tv show watched: Grimm.

21. what are you wearing right now: A t-shirt and bathrobe

22. when did you create your blog: March 2013

23. what kind of stuff do you post: Clexa, Shadowhunters, DW (RTD mainly), Tolkien, Star Trek, Star Wars, Legend of the Seeker, and a lot of Stranger Things these days

24. do you have any other blogs: My aesthetic blog @scpphism 

25. why did you choose the URL _____: Because I have an undying love for Lyra and Pan fro:m His Dark Materials

26. favorite colors: Black, red

27. average hours of sleep: 7 hours the night. Also I fall asleep way more easily the afternoon lmao

Tagging @pipertennant @badvvolfrose @scienceoftheidiot