#i forgot everything about my tagging system it's awful

[nocasdatsgay]

Baby of Mine A Spring Time Affairs Fic

Day 7 of @polyacotarweek Free Day

Pairing: Tamlin/OC/Elain/Lucien | Rating: T| Word count: 3778

Master List | Poly Week Masterpost | Read on AO3

Summary: After Calanmai and forgetting to take the tea, Flora is pregnant. The problem is, she doesn’t know if Tamlin or Lucien is the father.

Warnings: Pregnancy, Anxiety, base level childbirth mentions, a baby

AN: WE DID IT FOLKS! Last day of the week. I can’t want to go through the Masterlist and read what I have missed while writing. Thank you for all the likes and comments. PS: Can you catch the Beast of the Briars call out?

Tagging: @saltedcoffeescotch @ysmtttty

Tamlin said he did not care. 

Lucien and Elain both said they didn’t care. 

But Flora did. 

The stress was evident on her face as she turned in front of the mirror, gaze dropping down to her bare stomach. She was starting to show. New clothes would be in soon, her old ones already feeling snug. She didn’t want to despise the babe in her belly but gods it was hard to not let her worries get to her. 

She was Tamlin’s wife. She had a duty to him to have his heir. What would the court do if her babe came out with red hair or russet eyes? Their relationship wasn’t a secret. Everyone knew. But they’d been so careful and then Calanmai came and the one time she forgot to put contraceptives in her system, she ended up pregnant. 

She hoped it was the first undiluted magic that conceived this child. Tamlin took her into the cave. They made love on that stone and released all that magic back into the world. What happened with Lucien and Elain after wasn’t under the same pull of ancient magic. But doubt plagued her. Her plants showed her there was no difference between the first wave of magic and after. It could easily be the same with her. 

“Flora?” Tamlin’s voice dragged her out of her thoughts. Her gaze met his through the mirror. “Is everything alright?” 

Tamlin stayed nervous about her condition. She knew why. He was worried she would fall into a depression or worse. He was constantly encouraging her to engage with the court, to go outside with Elain. It warred with his want to keep her inside and safe. His mistakes in the past haunted him. Even after all the time that passed. 

“I just-“ she looked back at where her hand rested on her stomach. “You know I worry.” 

“I don’t care what others may think. You know this.” 

“They’ll talk, Tamlin,” tears built in her eyes. Her worries she had been holding in came tumbling out. “What good am I? If my first born is not your heir? This is a child, Tamlin. What if it is Lucien’s? What if it triggers something in Elain? They’re mates.”

“Flora.”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked and tears spilt. “It’s awful to think these things, I know. I'm horrible.”

“You’re not horrible, my wildflower.” Tamlin came up to her, wrapping his arms around her. One hand splayed over her stomach. “How long have you felt like this?” 

“Since I found out.” 

She grabbed one of his arms with her hand to mentally steady herself. She hadn’t spoken out loud how she felt. She feigned excitement; they were so happy when her scent changed. She didn’t want to take that away from them just because she worried. 

“Honey.” She winced at the sadness in his tone. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” 

“I didn’t want to upset you.”

“You’ll never upset me.” She felt him kiss the back of her head. “I know you worry but our babe is so loved already and that’s all that matters.” 

She nodded and leaned back into the embrace of her husband. Tamlin was the most excited out of all of them. She just hoped she could match his enthusiasm sooner rather than later. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She officially was showing and barely made it out alive from the Court announcement party. So many congratulations, each one meant well but still grated her. She was a perfect Lady of Spring, faking her smile and when someone did notice, it was explained off as hormones. Tam watched her the whole time, ready to scoop her up and out of the room if needed. She finally feigned tiredness and excused herself. 

It was a relief to enter the empty hall. Though she was not alone for long. She made it up the stairs before running into one of the two people who put her in this predicament. Lucien’s gold eye clicked rapidly as he came up to her, studying her face. She had not seen him since his return this morning from visiting Day Court. 

“How did it go?”

Flora rolled her eyes. “I swear if I hear one more congratulations I am going to vomit.”

”So it went well. Good.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “And how are you? How’s my little one?”

”I am tired and annoyed. And you don’t know for certain, if this babe is yours,” she snapped. She regretted it the second the words left her mouth. “The baby is fine, Lucien. I didn’t mean- I’m sorry. That was unkind of me.”

“It was.” He didn’t hide the hurt on his face. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t mean that. I’m sorry.”  She looked down in shame. She’d never spoken to Lucien like that before. She was horrid. 

“Flora, look at me, I do forgive you.” He reached his hand under her chin and tilted it up so she would look at him. “I get it and I’m sure the announcement party didn’t help.”

Her eyes watered. “It really didn’t. None of them have any idea. They all just assume this was planned. They all just assume this is Tamlin’s and when I try to correct them, they just -” She took a shaky breath and her hand went to the small bump poking out from her dress. “Tam says stress isn’t good for the baby.”

”It’s not,” Lucien replied. “If they’re mine, they might come out looking grumpy and be mistaken for Eris if you aren’t careful. Try explaining that to the court.”

That made her laugh. “You’re right.” She gave him a soft smile. “He’s a boy, by the way. Don’t tell Elain, she doesn’t know yet.”

Lucien’s grin beamed with likeness of the sun. “We’re having a boy?”

“Yes. We are having a boy.” She paused and bit her lip. She knew the answer but after the party, her worries continued to fall from her lips without warning. “If this is Tam’s baby, are you sure you aren’t going to be mad?”

Lucien sighed. “I’ve already told you, it doesn’t matter if he’s mine or Tam’s, he will be ours.” Lucien tapped his finger on her nose. “Get those thoughts out of your mind. Don’t let the courtiers get to you. And go tell Elain before I find her first. I won’t be able to help myself and she’ll be livid you told me first.” 

Flora nodded and smiled again. Lucien always knew how to make her feel better. She stood on her toes and gave him a quick kiss before setting off to find Elain. He was right on that part; Elain was going to be livid she was the last to know. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tamlin made her nap in a guest room citing he ‘had a surprise’ for her. She was too tired to question it. Five months in and between being either absolutely insatiable and exhausted, she took his word for it and laid down. It wasn’t until after dinner that night, he escorted her to their rooms, grinning the whole time. 

“What did you do?” She asked, not able to suppress her own smile. 

“Come see.” 

They entered through the sitting room and into their bed chamber. Nothing looked different; Tamlin guided her forward into the next room and she gasped. The nursery was finished- and fully finished. Her hand went instantly to her stomach, where she felt the flutters of life moving inside her. 

“It’s beautiful,” she blinked back her tears. “Oh, Tamlin.” 

She called out things as she noticed them. The walls were painted a pretty light green. A bassinet in the middle and an oak crib against the wall near their room for later. Even the rug was beautiful- her favorite flowers stitched in throughout. Other furniture filled the room, all a deep oak like the crib. There was even a rocking chair and bookshelf by the window. 

“Do you notice anything else?” 

She frowned, looking up at her husband’s knowing smirk. She looked around the room again- everything was new. The room even smelled of wood still. She frowned harder; that wasn’t right. She glanced around the room again and finally noticed it. A new door opposite their own. 

“Where does that go?” She asked. 

“To Lu and Lainy’s rooms.” 

She jerked her head towards him again with her mouth open. “They’re moving? Really?” 

They talked about it so often before that Flora thought it was mute at this point. She desperately wanted them to be closer than where their rooms were now on the other side of the manor but didn’t want to push them. They deserved their own space. Even with the baby- especially with the baby. But knowing they agreed to move closer- she started crying. 

“We’ve been waiting for time to put the door in so they’d have access to the nursery too if needed.” Tamlin reached up and wiped her tears. “These are happy ones, correct?” She nodded. “Good. Come, I want you to pick out the curtains for the window.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Three more months to go and Flora was ready to evict this baby now. Sitting was a little uncomfortable, her belly becoming rounder by the day. It didn’t help that her babe started to kick daily, for no other reason than to make his mother uncomfortable. 

Even outside in the garden, where the chairs could lounge out to prop up one’s feet weren’t comfortable. It was Elain’s idea to take their tea outside today. Flora shuffled about in her chair while Elain poured tea into a cup. 

“Drink this,” Elain sat the tea cup and saucer beside her. 

“What is it?” Flora was scared to sniff it. Last time she smelled anything but black tea she nearly hurled. Though that was early on in her pregnancy. She avoided it ever since. 

“Raspberry mint. I made it for Feyre and it seemed to help with the second pregnancy.”

She took a hesitant sip and her eyes widened right before she downed more of it. She sat back her chair and made an inappropriate noise. 

“This is the best tea I’ve ever had.” She took another drink from the saucer. “Thank you Elain.”

“You’re welcome. Hopefully it calms the little rascal.” 

Flora nodded and resisted the urge to down the rest of her cup. She set aside and watched Elain take a sip of her own tea. 

“How are your sisters?” 

Elain contemplated for a moment. Flora didn’t know if that was a bad sign or not. 

“Nesta has taken on a writing project.” Elain cut her eyes to Flora with a knowing look. “A romance novel.” 

Flora sat up straighter. “Really? On a scale of what I read and what you read, how smutty is it?” 

“What you read. You know Nes adores those Drake books. Stands to reason she would write something equally scandalous.” 

“You know you love those books too,” Flora playfully rolled her eyes. “I hope she completes it. Tell her I look forward to having a copy on my bookshelf.”

Elain grinned. “I will make sure to let her know.”

“And Feyre? How is she?” 

Flora held no ill will to the female. What happened between her and Tamlin was in the past. 

“She’s good. The twins are giving her hell.” Flora laughed at that. “She handed off her workshops to local artists. So now she’s only supervising the ones in Illyria and Hewn city, occasionally hosting an event.” 

“I thought you mentioned she planned for that?” 

Elain took a sip of her tea. “She did. She’s just been putting off for decades. She’s worse than Lucien, having her hands in so many pots.” 

Flora couldn’t disagree. She picked her tea backup and drank the rest before it was too cold. It was only minutes later when she realized she could still feel the baby move but his kicking stopped. 

“By the cauldron I thought he’d never stop. You’re a lifesaver, Lainy.” 

She only smiled and took another sip of her tea. They settled into a nice silence but Flora’s mind spiraled. No longer focused on her baby’s excessive kicking, she couldn’t help but wonder further about Elain’s sisters. She hadn’t had time to ask. Or even think about it but now…

“Elain?” She hummed in acknowledgment. Flora smoothed out the fabric on her belly idly. “Have you explained to your sisters he might be Lucien’s?” 

“I have.” She replied. “They are aware we have a different relationship, the four of us. They are understanding. You don’t know them as well as I do, but I promise they will not care. If they did, I would never let them hear the end of it.”

She accepted that response. Elain studied her for a moment, then reached over, placing her hand on Flora’s stomach. 

“No matter what, this is our baby. We’ve been over this. I will love him no matter who fathered him.”

“I know, I know. Thank you.” 

Elain gave her a soft smile and pulled back her hand to stand. She came over and gave Flora a quick kiss. She patted Flora’s shoulder. 

“Come, let’s clean this up and go bother our husbands.” She said with a grin. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The time finally came and Flora labored off and on for days. The whole time Tamlin never left her side. Lucien kept the court running and Elain took over the kitchens by cooking. She’d brought all kinds of food every few hours to see if Flora would eat. Flora took most of the pastries. She joked the baby had a sweet tooth but they all knew it was just Flora’s preference. 

It felt like an eternity passed before it came time to push. Their healer in the room supervised as planned. With Lucien and Elain flanking her sides, and holding her hands, Tamlin caught their child as he was pushed out into this world. Flora should have known the second she felt the head crown and Tamlin’s widened, what was about to happen. Of course she was too focused on screaming her own lungs out from the pain and pressure to realize it for what it was.

Their healer beside him cleaned out the baby's mouth and wails filled the room. Flora was finally handed a baby boy with the brightest red hair she’d ever seen in her life. And she laughed. She laughed and cried as she pulled her baby to her chest. All those months of worry, all the love for this tiny little being she grew in her body, and all the stress from labor hit her at once. 

It was bittersweet but not in the way she expected or planned for. She didn’t realize Elain had moved off the bed until Tamlin was right beside her, hands cupping her face as he kissed her forehead then her lips. He was crying too but there was no sadness in his eyes. No words were exchanged; they weren’t needed. It was their healer who finally intervened, moving Tamlin so her assistant could take the baby to clean up and she could take over for the rest of the process. Flora looked over to see Lucien and Elain still by her side. Both of them had red eyes also. 

“We have a baby,” Flora choked out, tears renewed. Both of them grinned at her. 

“We do,” Lucien laughed through his tears. 

They both gave her a long kiss each before the healer shooed them out to give Flora some space. They all agreed when she first became pregnant that no matter what, she wanted Tamlin by her side during the first few hours of recovery. She still felt guilty sending Lucien out, knowing what she knew now. 

The guilt didn’t last long when she felt like she had to push again. 

Tamlin was utterly smitten. Flora watched him cradle their baby in his arms while the head healer made certain everything else was gone and felt around her stomach. He was so gentle, like he was afraid he would break him. The healer finally took the baby back to show Flora how to feed him. Once he was settled, they cleaned up and Flora moved into their room. 

After some time with just her and the baby, Tamlin came back to join her on the bed. She also finally realized how exhausted she was. Being back in her own bed, with her baby calm had relaxed her heavily. Tamlin put their son in the cradle by the bed and crawled up next to her. They were silent for a long time, so much she almost fell asleep with Tamlin rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. His soft voice pulled her back from sleep. 

“Flora?” 

“Tam.”

“How do you feel?” He was still stroking her knuckles nervously. 

“Exhausted.” She knew that’s not what he meant. “Numb. I worried so much. I was so anxious. Now it’s over and I don’t feel anything.”

“Look at me,” he pulled back and tilted her chin up gently. His sad green eyes pleaded with hers. “The second you start feeling upset or overwhelmed, you tell me. Because you will- you just had a baby, our baby. Your body might be in shock.”

He let go and she nodded. “I know. I promise. I love you.”

“I love you,” he kissed her forehead. “Do you want to bring Lu and Lainy in? Or do you want to rest?” 

“They can come in. They need to meet their son proper.” She grinned when she said that. Their son. The four of them. 

“I’ll get them.” 

Tamlin went through the door to the nursery and shortly came back with Lucien and Elain right behind him. After a few exchanges of kisses with Flora, Lucien took the babe first. Elain came and sat by her while Lucien stood, rocking the baby gently in his arms. 

Then his brows furrowed, confusion etched in his face. “Are we sure he’s mine?” 

“That’s exactly what Beron said when you were born,” Tamlin replied immediately, causing Flora and Elain to snort with laughter. 

“No, I mean it,” Lucien replied through his own chuckles. “His eyes are green.” 

“No, they aren’t,” Flora replied. 

She had stared at her son the whole time she had him and fed him. Not once did she notice his eyes being green when he opened them. Elain got up and Lucien lowered him for her to look. Shock went over her face. 

“Flora, they’re green.” 

They brought their son over to her. She frowned as she took him and he grunted from being passed around. It took a moment for him to open his eyes again. Flora’s mouth fell open. Her son’s eyes were green. Tamlin’s green. 

Tamlin looked down at their son with a soft smile. “The Mother has a sense of humor. When we said our baby she knew we meant it.” He sighed and looked at his wife. “Do you still want to wait? Before we tell your parents he’s here?”

“Gods yes.” Flora’s parents always meant well, but were so overbearing sometimes. “I need a few days before my mother descends upon the manor. I’m also going to need all three of you here to explain this.” She smoothed her son's red hair gently. 

Along with overbearing, they weren’t understanding of her relationships. They only kept their mouths shut thanks to Tamlin being High Lord. Elain’s sisters understood. Lucien’s parents understood a little too well, considering who his father was. Flora was going to have to mentally prepare for the explanations she’d have to provide. Elain pulled her from her thoughts, moving her mate to sit beside Flora. 

“Have you picked the name?” 

Elain looked between her and Tamlin with her big doe eyes, innocently trying to hide her excitement. She’d been begging them to tell her what they picked for weeks. A small list was made by the four of them and from there, her and Tam picked two weeks ago. 

“Yes Lainey,” Flora bumped her forehead gently against Elain’s. “We’re going with Ezryn.” 

“Not the grumpy one,” Lucien exclaimed albeit playfully. 

Before Flora could even scold him, Ezryn grunted and shuffled in his swaddle. It would have been perfect timing if his hair hadn’t changed from bright red to brown. Her eyes widened as she just stared at her baby, silence between the four of them deafening. It was finally Elain, who said something. 

“Oh he’s going to be a rascal.” She covered her mouth and looked at her mate. 

Then Flora laughed again. Laughed and cried like she had when she held him for the first time. The whole time she was worried about his hair and he changed it. Which meant her worries, her acceptance of her fate, was all a waste. Tamlin was laughing too, his head on her shoulder. 

“He’s worse than you,” she wiped her eyes, turning her head to her husband. “By the mother he’s only a few hours old.”

“I still think he’s Lucien’s,” Tamlin chuckled, which sent Lucien howling. 

Ezryn did not like that. To be fair to him, his little fae ears could only handle so much. Tamlin took him, rocking him gently in his arms. Lucien and Elain both made their exit, promising to come back with dinner later so Flora could rest. By the time he was settled again, Flora was also nearly asleep. 

“He’s going to be a menace,” she whispered after Tamlin put their son in his cradle. 

“He’s our menace.” Tamlin got in the bed with her. “His powers are just fluctuating because he’s a newborn. They’ll taper out in a day or so.” 

She nodded and yawned. She then snuggled up to Tamlin to try and rest, though her mind raced. 

“Will you check on Lucien later?” She whispered. “I’m worried. We all thought…”

“I will, I promise.” He took her hand that laid on his chest and gently squeezed it. “I think he’s fine, but I will ask Lainy to keep an eye on him. Today was a lot for all of us.” 

“It was.” She yawned again. “Thank you.” 

Silence fell between them. She let Tamlin brush his fingers through her hair until she finally fell asleep.

[winn-schott-throughtheheart]

For the headcanons thing (that you posted 6 months ago - sorry)

Winn Schott

If you’ve already done him (which is highly likely) give me another character you haven’t done and please tag me in the Winn one :)

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS LMFAOOO thank you for reminding me that's so embarrassing

anyways, I'd had Winn and Lena requested but Kara is my second fav blorbo after Winn so I did her too <33

also, this is going off the premise that both Winn and Kara are autistic, it's canon because I said so I have lists you can fight me on this

Winn

Realistic: Winn is notably the only analyst (in the main cortex at least) that wears dress clothes instead of uniform. At the beginning he really did try to stand the uniform, but he ended up convincing J'onn to let him off because he just couldn't deal with the feeling of it on his skin.

Hilarious: Being the only human member of the Legion of Superheroes, Winn got asked A LOT about human culture. A blatant lie that originally stemmed from being asked the same ten questions a billion times, snowballed into a complicated lore about humanology and Gods and belief systems (because he was too embarrassed to admit to the original lie) and he ended up being the accidental cause of organised religion in the 31st century.

tldr: Winn Schott manages to shitpost his way through space and time

Also, he's asthmatic as fuck. He has to carry an inhaler in his bag and he hates it.

Awful: He hates the smell of teakwood and tobacco because it reminds him so viscerally of an abusive foster home that it genuinely makes him physically anxious and nauseous.

Unrealistic: He's actually really good at handling spicy food. He's even out-performed Alex a handful of times.

Lena

Realistic: Lena actually really hates chess. She hates how everything needs to be calculated properly, how everything needs to be thought out exactly, and it just reminds her too much of how she was brought up.

Hilarious: She has a peanut allergy. Similar to Winn, she has to carry an epi-pen in her bag. This is not public knowledge, of course, because that would probably bring her quarterly assassination attempts up to weekly.

Awful: Lena can only fall asleep with a nightlight- she isn't really sure why, all she knows is that her bed feels less like frigid, murky water when it's on.

Unrealistic: She doesn't know how to cook or how to drive. Her whole life she's had people cook for her and drive her places, so she never had to learn how to. She'd like to one day, though.

Kara

Realistic: Kara LOVES dinosaurs. She didn't have birds on Krypton, which implies either all the dinosaurs were wiped out, or there never were any in the first place, and she was immediately enthralled and fascinated by them when she first learned about them.

Hilarious: She's dyslexic. She relies on Grammarly like it's lifeblood.

Awful: She's insanely afraid of thunderstorms. It takes everything in her not to have a flashback or a panic attack or a meltdown, and she will point blank refuse to patrol if it's storming.

Unrealistic: After Red Daughter was killed, Kara's heat vision stayed permanently purple, and her eyes were purple too for a very long time afterwards.

maybe that first ones a bit of projection, i fucking love dinosaurs

[eclipsecrowned]

s.tormlight for the fandom meme 🩷 & stormlight! (for the fandom thing) // @dcviline + @weavinglight

The first character I first fell in love with: Jasnah. It was immediate, and I never recovered. Her poise, her wits, her Ace rep, her capacity for good as well as her ability to be that bitch. Will not lie, my bestie hyped her up and she has not disappointed me once.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: He was just one-armed comic relief. Now I muse the little bastard. I thought he might be somewhat cringe comedy and tbh as it was my first Sanderson outing I didn't know what to expect when I heard 'Mexican-coded comic relief' but tbh? He's my one hand arm man, my confidant, my best friend, my silly mink. Love The Lopen, no notes.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: This is such a cop out but I can't think of any universally beloved characters I don't like? One of the gifts of the series to me is the nuanced and thoughtful characterization of each main player, making them feel more well-rounded than a lot of fantasy without any of them bleeding into each other/relying on authorial tropes. Even stuff I don't like about them, I understand or respect from the sense of 'this character is a tool of the story and is performing that function spectacularly.' The work is put in such that I don't really dislike any of the fandom favs like the Kh0lins, Bridge Crew, Sz*th, etc -- I just side-eye some of their choices.

The character I love that everyone else hates: Moash, and it's downright pathological how much this fandom has it out for him. I get he's a villain and makes some really selfish, awful, narrative-redefining decisions, but there's some takes out there that frankly make me wonder if people read the same book I did. To wit, there is discourse surrounding if this man kicked a literal infant. I, meanwhile, am damn near his public defender at this point. He has layers. He's so Cool Motive Still Murder coded.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Dalinar is really one of those characters where your feelings about him get more complicated on a reread. He's still wonderful in narrative and a favorite because no one else in the genre is doing it like him but... Holy shit dude. The way his flashbacks reframe everything. Where is the justice for my girl Evi --

The character I would totally smooch: OK SO FUNNY STORY ax the bestie that got me into the series called my dyke ass would be bewitched by Jasnah. She's so my type it hurts. But they forgot a core aspect of my being: I'd do anything for a MILF. I love Jasnah -- twenty years older and a little more plush, since it's established she's a younger version of her mother. The LOML. My queen. Navani. I get choked up remembering she wasn't getting the good good for 6 years --

The character I’d want to be like: The way I actually want a Dalinar quote tattooed on my body. The way I strive for that level of getting my shit together and turning it around. The way I want to be Evi and Navani's husband. Wait what no delete that footage --

The character I’d slap: Can I lovingly backhand my beloved Moash just to try and convince him he's in a cult and needs to get back on that whole 'destroy the system' wagon? Not even like a hard slap. Just something less taxing than killing one of his buddies to realize how far he's fallen.

A pairing that I love: Have you heard the news of our lord and savior Szopen -- Jokes aside, I am not immune to mad scientist war criminal crab milfs and their captive engineering genius morally complex human milf. Navaniel or bust. It's everything I have ever wanted in my life.

A pairing that I despise: SHALAD1N. Obscuring it so I don't post negativity in the proper ship tag but oh my God my genuine fear is that given the nature of Sandertropes Adolin is gonna be the deadpool for KoW, Shallan will be our grieving widow protag, and 15 years later she and Kaladin hook up. Don't get me wrong! I love their dynamic platonically! I'm not even opposed to Shakalodin! But they NEED that buffer, I can't stand the thought of them 1:1'ing this ship. There's too much between them, too much trauma overlap and high key inflicted on each other, for me to see the endgame appeal. I think it'd self destruct messily and leave them both worse. They need sunshine boy or the romance will tear itself apart.

[dedskul]

I Can't Kill The Demon Twice

I refuse to believe your intentions were bad from the start

They couldn't have been

You had every opportunity in the world to isolate me and make me entirely dependent upon you from the very beginning, but you didn't

You tired to reach out for help

I watched you struggle trying to provide me with more support than just yourself

I tried to warn you

My family didn't care

My parents were beyond fed up with me

Sure they played they part at first

Acting concerned when you called them the first few times

Your daughter is suicidal

Your daughter is on drugs

Your daughter is harming herself

They acted surprised,

Shocked

Like they hadn't received those same phone calls from other people over and over again

Promising you they would take care of it

But this time it was different

This time there wasn't anywhere to hide

No red tape

No switching schools

No counselors

No phone tag

No case workers

No missed emails

No office hours

Just you and a persistence they'd never come across before

That's when you finally started seeing the ugly truth

You were the first person to see things from my perspective

They were lying to you

And when the lies stopped the silent treatment started

Your phone calls straight to voicemail

Voicemails that would only seldom be returned

But only returned with anger

Cursing you out for telling them how to raise their kid

For taking up the space

For bothering them when they were busy with things more important than me

Ill never forget the shock scribbled on your face when you hung up that last phone call you ever made to my mother

I sat there across from you at your desk with my arms folded across my chest

The words

I told you so

Hanging above us in the air

Maybe it was just a coincidence

Or maybe my parents had been planing it all along

But by the time you knew the whole truth it was too late

My 18th birthday had come just a tad bit to early and suddenly I wasn't anyone's problem but yours

But that didn't stop you

You didn't give up

You cared about me and I believed you

I trusted you

Everything started spilling out of me so fast you couldn't keep up

But you tired

You picked up the pace

Other family members

Hospital stays

Medication changes

Anything to try to get me stable

Happy

Safe

You went though it all with me

When I got kicked out my mother slammed the door in your face too

When I was sweating out the drugs in my system you were holding the towel

When I was living in my car you were parking next to me, bringing me food and every single day

You saw it all

Lived it all

You where there for every second of that horrible fucking year

We cried

Laughed

Screamed

Hugged

And forgot

We forgot

We forgot that I had come with a warning label

That I was sick in more ways than one

That the other people that came before you

That had sat alone with me behind closed office doors had all ended up hurt

That 2 restraining orders along with an aura of fear had caused more harm than good

There was a reason you were the only one there

I'd scared off everyone else

Anyone who tired to help me and got close to me was only feeding the demon inside of me that only felt satisfied by eating the fear in their eyes when I turned on them

The screams

The shock

The horror

I lived for it

I planned out everything

Just how bad could I get?

How many sacrifices would I have to make?

How many mind games could I play at once to make everything seem that much worse? The longer the support continued, the better the fear was going to taste

You were going to be the tastiest one yet and the fidgeting in your office was from more than just anxiety

But then something magical happened

Something changed

Not only did you care about me

But I started to care about you

I stopped feeling happiness when I saw tears in your eyes

I felt the sadness

I stopped feeling excitement when you showed concern

I felt guilt

Without even knowing it you were slowly killing that awful fucking demon that had plagued my growth

The very thing that had stopped me from receiving the help that I so desperately needed was finally getting put to rest

But it didn't go down without a fight

It took control of my hands one last time

I gripped a blade in my right fist and caved all 9 letters of your full name into the length of my left thigh

I didn't mean for you to see it so soon

It was meant as a final blow

A hidden advantage when I needed it

But the blood and barely dried before you eyes perceived the demons final goodbye

And I wasn't ready

I wasn't ready to eat the fear

I wasn't hungry for it anymore

When it fell out of you I caught it with my bloodstained hands and tried to give it back

Rushing it back over to you like if it was outside of you too long it wouldn't go back in

But you wouldn't take it

You were too scared

Instead you fell into my arms and cried so hard I thought your spine was going to snap

I couldn't hold it

I couldn't hold on to the fear, your body, the blood, the tears, the guilt all at once

I fell to the floor

You came with me

And my vocabulary regressed to two singular words

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I was so sorry

And I was still sorry months later when you undressed me in a hotel bed and I tried to hide the demon scar with my hands

You weren't sorry though

In fact you wanted to see the damned thing

Pinning my arms to the mattress while you planted yourself over the raised tissue and brought yourself to orgasm right on top of it

That fucking screaming whining in my ear

You liked being a part of me

You liked being branded into me

You liked bring inside of me

But I wanted to be inside of you more

So I bit, licked, flipped, and fucked you until your screams of ecstasy buried themselves so deep in my brain that even a decade later they still keep me up at night

I know that I fucked up

Deep down I knew that demon never really died

It was just asleep and I had to protect you

But it awoke with a thunderers boom when I threatened your life

I know you saw it

And the fear didn't even taste good

It was stale and old

I spat it out onto your desk right in front of you and left you there to rot with it

Hoping that you'd sift though my leftovers and see the parts of yourself that woke the demon back up

But you didn't

In fact, I don't think you leaned anything from that experience at all

Cause if you had you wouldn't be sitting on my lap ten years later begging for something I refused to give you

Yeah I still love you

Yeah I'd still do just about anything for you

But the persistence

Kissing me

Holding me

Loving me

You're playing a dangerous game

You know the outcome

You know better than anyone the things that crawl around inside of me

Maybe your broken too

Maybe that's exactly what you want

Maybe you want the demon to come back and finish you off

You've been a hurt little doe stumbling around the woods for 10 years with a bullet hole in you that almost killed you

But not quite

And you just been waiting for me to come along and finish my kill

Too bad I don't have a gun anymore, huh

It's too late

I killed the demon myself

It's gone for real this time and I know its true because I've more than replaced you

And with more than one person

Every single one of them will tell you its gone

So if you're really out here trying to die

If you really want me to finish you off

You're going to have to get it from someone else

Or do like I did

Do the work

Get the help

Kill your own demon

I can't do it twice

[ofmodernmyths]

Loving see this blog active again x

Thanks! I make no promise as to how often/how regularly it will be active again, but I’ll post on it again! 

[nymphbnny]

perfect strangers

MINORS DNI // 18+

part one; part two; part three

genre: nsfw // fluff

pairings: jean kirschtein x female reader

word count: 4k

tags/warnings: slow burn (?), penetrative sex, dom jean, praising kink, slight breeding kink, oral sex (male receiving), fluff, confessions, cute jean (yes this needs a warning) cheesiness.

synopsis: you discover something jean has been keeping for himself and it ends up adding all the puzzle pieces together.

a.n: i don’t usually add songs for you to listen to while reading my work, but if you want to get in the mood stream Last Days Of Summer by Summer Walker. thank me later.

i would also like to add that this was meant to be a short series. i got other fan-fiction ideas and need to answer some of your requests. also, i know this part is kind of cheesy but jean is a big softie i can’t help it.

“Connie, what’s taking you so long?” I yelled from our porch, swirling my car keys around my finger. I heard more shuffling coming from our apartment before Connie rushed out, Jean following him, throwing his hoodie on, covering the shirt that was squeezing his muscles.

“I was looking for my dab pen,” he took a hit and blew the smoke in my face. I coughed pushing his shoulder making him miss the step and almost colliding with the ground. I snickered and walked past Jean to my car door before he grabbed my arm and pushed me back.

“Passenger seat babe.” he looked down at me with his lazy smile. I scoffed swatting his arm away, only to be lifted from the ground. “Jean you prick!” I yelled moving my legs around.

“And I’m the kid.” Connie laughed getting in the backseat, clearly not suspicious of his homie’s behavior. I sighed getting into the passenger seat and crossed my arms.

Jean mirrored my action, before cussing, as he felt squeezed by how tiny the space was. “Damn aren’t you a small thing?” he teased backing up the seat so he could feel more comfortable. He smacked my thigh making my eyes widen. I looked down to see him holding out his hand, motioning me to give him the keys. I rolled my eyes and slammed them down his hand. He chuckled before shaking his head and mumbled something underneath his breath.

He wrapped his arm around my seat, tilting his head backward, putting the car in reverse, and slowly drove back. He winked at me before he shifted gears. The car ride was basically Connie singing out loud to songs and Jean casually joining in, their interaction reminding me of Hitch and I.

After what happened last night, I texted the girls’ group chat and told them everything that happened and how Jean was suddenly becoming more and more possessive which was honestly uncalled for. If I want to overthink it, he was always somewhat flirtier with me than he was with any girl when we used to hang out back in the day. However, Sasha and Mikasa didn’t elaborate much into it as they told me to shrug it off, whilst Hitch was rather excited about me having a ‘sneaky link’.

And honestly, I’d be lying if I said he didn’t turn me on… I mean look at him. He’s at least 6 feet tall with sexy sleeve tattoos and a gorgeous mullet. His stubble fit him perfectly and his jaw was sharp. He looked so different and delicious.

“We’re here!” Connie shouted into my ear, shaking me off of my thoughts. Jean had already parked and was taking his seatbelt off. I followed his gesture and got out of the car, carefully closing the door behind me, Connie already outside taking a few hits of his dab pen. Our gaze locked, his lips instantly forming into a smile as he threw his arm around my shoulders and brought my head closer to his lips, kissing my temple. I grinned wrapping my hand around his torso and leaned my head on his shoulder.

I was lucky to have a brother like him. He always made sure I was okay and had everything I need and wanted. He was my support system and I couldn’t ask for more. “All good?” he mumbled, tilting his slightly towards Jean who was typing something on his phone, probably waiting for us before going into the diner.

I nodded and he squeezed my arm. “Come on, let’s go inside, the weather is chilly today.” Jean held the door open as we walked in and spotted an empty table. It was connected to a couch, two other chairs placed on the opposite side of the table.

I sat on the couch, my back relaxing into the soft red leather, before feeling the seat dip next to me. I tilted my head, only to be met with Jean’s cocky expression. Connie managed to sit on one of the chairs and tapped his fingers on the wooden table. “Y’all in the mood for burger and fries?”

“Yeah, I’m fucking starving,” Jean stated leaning back into his seat, spreading his legs. I nodded and took out my phone from my pocket setting it on the table. We called over for the waitress and placed our orders. “I forgot to ask you, how are your studies going y/n?” he added, dropping his head on his fist that rested against the wood and looked at me. Connie rested his elbows on the table, intrigued by the conversation.

“I’m doing good actually. I still have some things to get done and I’ll finally have some free time for myself. I honestly can’t wait until I’m done with this semester. It’s so tough and for what.” I whined, dropping my head against my crossed arms. His hand wrapped around my shoulder and pushed me towards him, my head colliding with his chest. Taken off guard, my arms wrapped around his torso. “Aw, come on you’ll do great, you got nothing to worry about.” he patted my head and gently stroked my hair. I blushed at his move, my stomach forming a knot. He was being extremely soft and gentle and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't surprising.

“Here you go.” the waitress cheered placing our food down. She eyed Jean before averting her gaze from him as he pushed me closer to him, my head closer to his chest. I breathed into his cologne and managed to hear his heartbeat. Fast. His heart was beating so fucking fast.

Connie didn’t seem to mind as he laughed at his phone before turning it to Jean, showing him the picture of a half-naked model showing off her ass, a man who looked to be her boyfriend standing next to her. “Baldie I’m still here.” I scrunched my face. “Although the dude is kinda hot,” I added. Once the following words left my lips, Jean’s hand swiftly moved down my ass to grab it, making me slightly jump. I looked up to see him glaring down at me then looked back at Connie’s phone. Did this just happen?

“Doesn’t she have a boyfriend?” He cocked his eyebrow making Connie roll his eyes. “Man you used to like it when I showed you pictures like that." he shook his head locking his phone. He stayed silent for a few seconds before pointing at Jean with a big grin. "Oh my god, you are seeing someone!” he whispered.

I removed myself from Jean’s grasp and adjusted my clothes as I dived into my food, enjoying the warm feeling down my throat. “Nah dude, although I must admit that I've been thinking nonstop about someone lately,” he confessed taking a bite of his burger, Connie doing vulgar movements with his hands before he did the same.

“Jesus Connie,” I whined throwing a fried potato at him. “We’re eating.”

“Um, excuse me?” He scoffed as Jean laughed, muttering a small 'here we go', obviously aware of what my brother was about to say next. “The Jean Kirschtein I know doesn’t catch feelings. This dude is a damn sex machine. Which I can relate to but you know what I’m saying." he raised his hands up. "Now tell me, who got you so wrapped around their fingers you can’t even flirt with other women now?” He paused before adding, “ And don’t think I forgot how you pushed off that girl who tried to grind on you two days ago at the club.” I frowned, all of this not making any sense to me. How could he be sleeping with me but seeing someone else at the same time?

I felt sick, my fingers dropping the sauce I was about to pour on my fries as I excused myself to the bathroom. I made my way into the small area and looked at my reflection. I felt dirty. I felt used. Was I going to wreck a whole relationship? Or whatever he calls it.

The door swung open minutes after, revealing Jean. He had a serious expression on his face as he approached me, my ass now pressed against the sink, his tall frame towering me.

“Why’d you leave?” he questioned moving my hair from my face, cupping my cheeks. “I wanted to wash my hands,” I replied trying to free myself from his grasp but miserably failed. I frowned as I tried to push him away again, but his hands grabbed my wrists holding them down. “I don’t believe you, I think you got jealous,” he smirked, his lips inches away from mine. I glared at him, not wanting to give him the satisfaction he was seeking.

“Jean let me go. Someone might walk in and Connie is waiting for us outside, also, the food won’t stay hot for long and I want to-“

“I was talking about you silly.” he interrupted me, his thumb now rubbing my bottom lip. “You’re so fucking gorgeous it’s unreal,” he mumbled. “Can I kiss you?”

What was happening… I stared into his eyes that were focusing on my lips. Could he be telling the truth? What if he just wants to get in my- oh wait, he already did… Fuck that was so overwhelming.

“Jean I don’t think it’s a good idea-“

“Yes or no?” I thought for a moment before softly nodding. “I need to hear it.”

“I want you to kiss me…” I whispered almost as if I didn’t want anyone to hear me, including him. I’ve always felt different around Jean and I never knew why, at least until now. He smiled lifting my head up with his finger under my chin, his lips resting against mine gently. My hands gripped onto his hoodie, kissing him with much passion.

I felt safe. I felt good. I felt content.

“You got my heart working overtime, y/n.” he confessed. I wasn’t able to process everything as it all felt like a fever dream. What if I just wake up and it turns out to be a dream. Did he just confess that he likes me in a diner’s restroom? My heart was beating so fast, my thoughts furiously rushing through my brain.

After Jean left to study in France, we never kept in touch. It is true that we used to be friends because of his friendship with Connie and it always felt different from my other friendships with other men like Eren or Reiner, but the distance and the lack of communication turned us into strangers and killed the ‘connection’ that was bonding us. I thought it was just a tiny teenage crush, but ever since he came back, everything returned to the way it used to be.

“Connie is probably getting worried about me.” I said making him let go of my grasp, his eyes still holding the same expression as before. I made my way out of the restrooms and slid my hands into my pockets. “Hey, I was about to follow you, you good?”

“Absolutely.” I smiled at him and sat back down taking small bites of my food.

“Y/n, you know you can talk to me about anything right?” he took a sip of his soda looking at me worryingly. “Of course, I’m fine really.” I reached out to squeeze his hand. A few minutes went by and Jean was back on the table with us. We jumped from a conversation to another, casually laughing as we brought back the old days.

Connie proposed to drive back and we didn’t mind since we both fell full from the food. Jean sat in the passenger seat as I lead down on the backseat, texting the girls every single detail of what happened today. It didn’t take them long to start bombarding me with replies.

‘Holy fuck he said what now? He’s fucking WHIPPED.’

‘I did hear him saying something about a girl when we hung out with Connie four days ago but I would have never thought that it would be about you…’

Seriously Sasha? I sighed and locked my phone dropping it on my chest. It didn’t take us long to arrive at the apartment we were now sharing with him.

***

I dropped on my bed, stripped down naked as my blanket was the only material covering me. I thought about what Jean told me back in that diner. I sighed closing my eyes. As I was almost about to fall asleep, my phone chimed on my nightstand.

I reached out to grab it, the message showing on my lock-screen making me open wildly my eyes.

-jean

you up? if you are, can i come into ur room?

I hesitated, my fingers hovering over my keyboard, occasionally typing something then deleting it.

-me

why? wassup?

It didn’t take him long to text me back.

-jean

i can’t sleep and i want to talk to you

I sighed typing a simple ‘okay’ and got up to put a shirt on. I heard a light knock on my door as I slid on the fabric, my hand reaching out to turn the doorknob.

“Hi,” I stepped aside, indicating him to come in before carefully closing the door. He sat on my bed and tapped on the mattress. I sat next to him and waited for him to talk about whatever he’s been wanting to get off his chest.

“About what I said earlier, uhm,” he cleared his throat.

“If you’re here to say that you didn’t mean it, you could have said it over text.” I assumed raising my eyebrow. It wouldn’t be the first time something like that happened to me and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with any bullshit, especially after getting my feelings mixed up. If he was about to mess around, I should do the same and ignore whatever I was feeling, hoping it would fade away over time.

“No, why would I do that?” he frowned and looked at me weirdly. Oh well, spoke too soon I guess. “I just wanted to make sure I didn’t make you uncomfortable. Listen y/n,” he paused searching for the words. “I don’t want you to think I’m doing this to get laid. We made an agreement and if I just wanted to have sex with you I wouldn’t have said anything about well, liking you.”

I stayed silent waiting for him to finish. The moonlight was the only source of light in the room as it peeked through my window. It was quite peaceful. “I think, no, I know I’ve liked you for a while. I never acted on it because your brother once threatened me jokingly about messing me up if I hurt you, and regarding the person I used to be, I would have most probably ended up hurting you and because of that, I decided to sleep on whatever I was feeling and hoped I'd move on from it. But holy fuck you and grew into such a smart and beautiful woman, I couldn’t help but let my feelings for you emerge again.” He cupped my cheek with his hand bringing me closer.

Fucking hell someone pinch me right now, I must be dreaming.

“However if you don’t like me back, or don’t want to hook up with me anymore, I’d totally understand.” I stared at him as I felt like I was looking at a different person. Now I get why Connie was so surprised when he heard Jean talking like that back at the diner. That wasn’t the Jean I was used to, or at least the Jean he became when he left for college. I wasn’t familiar with this new character development if I might call it.

“Why… why are you telling me all of this now?” I whispered, shifting in my seat to sit closer to him, our knees slightly brushing against each other. He brought his hand around the nape of my neck and pulled me closer to him. “You got my mind going crazy.” and with that, I pressed my lips against his, instantly feeling his lips kiss me back.

I straddled his lap and slid my tongue between his lips, our kiss sloppy and slow. His hands moved down to grip my ass, pushing me further to him, my bare cunt brushing against the soft fabric of his shorts. A moan escaped my lips as he gripped the hem of my shirt, lifting it, my nipples exposed to the chilly air. "Wait..." I pulled away and rested my hands on his chest. "We're gonna have to tell Connie."

He smiled and reached out to kiss me again. "First thing tomorrow. I don't think your brother is that oblivious anyway." he chuckled and squeezed my hips. I laughed, bringing his face closer to mine kissing him gently.

Our make-out session became more urgent ad rushed. Jean lied back, his hands resting on my waist as I took off my shirt. His hands reached out to grab my breast, fondling it with his big hand. My hips moved against him, the feeling of wanting to be filled by him becoming unshakeable. Removing myself off his hips, I crawled down and pulled down his sweats along with his briefs, his erection slapping against his stomach. I smirked at him as I began pumping his length, soft groans escaping his lips. I swirled my tongue over his tip and slit before sliding him down my throat, coating him with my spit. "Shit," his hips bucked forward, his cock going deeper down my throat. I started bobbing my head, my tongue running over his underside, feeling the pulsation of his prominent vein. Our eyes locked, his mouth agape and his chest slightly rising from his deep breathing. His hand fell on his eyes as he threw his head back, his fat cock now throbbing.

“Y/n, ah, fuck-“ he hissed grabbing a fistful of my hair and guided my head. I knew he was close and it made me wet as well. My fingers were already rubbing circles on my sensitive bud, my climax as close as his. I removed his dick from my mouth and straddled his lap. I aligned him to my entrance and slowly sunk onto him, sighs leaving both of our lips.

He felt insanely deep within me, his size stretching perfectly. I rested my hands on his chest as I ground on him, his hand lacing around my neck to bring me closer to him, his lips capturing mine in a passionate kiss. His tongue slipped in my mouth as his hand made their way to my ass, squeezing my cheeks and moving me upwards. I moaned into his mouth, my nipples brushing against his chest. I sat back up, my hands prompted back on his chest as I bounced my ass on him.

“Ride my cock baby just like that.” he moaned out. We were both already close to our orgasm, the sensitivity sending us off the edge. “You ride me so good, but-“ he sat up pushing me off him. “I want to fuck it in you,” he smirked pulling me off the bed and walking me to the wall, my back pressed against it. He wrapped his arms underneath my thighs and lifted me up, my legs snaking around him.

“Now stay quiet while I stuff you eh?” he breathed, pushing his tip inside me before thrusting his hips forward, almost hitting my cervix. My face hid in the crook of his neck, doing my best to silence my moans. My back moved against the cold wall, his whimpers and moans growing louder in my ear.

I shut my eyes close when he began rolling his hips faster, my orgasm rushing through my body. “Jean…” I whimpered tugging on his hair, my heels digging in his back. My arm was wrapped underneath his, my fingers scratching his back. I clenched around him making him hiss and fuck me harder, indicating that he was also close to reaching his climax.

“You wanna come with me?” I nodded staring at him with half-lidded eyes. “Yeah…” I mumbled out, biting down on my lower lip to keep quiet. “Yeah?” he mocked with a smirk before he started kissing my neck, occasionally leaving small bites next to my collarbone.

I wrapped my arms tighter around him, my thighs shaking as my orgasm ripped through me. He quickly followed ropes of cum shooting inside me. He whimpered, stroking himself a little bit more before pulling out and carefully putting me down. As soon as my feet touched the floor, his semen began leaking out of my opening down my leg.

“Well shit better clean that.” he ran his fingers up my legs before pushing his cum back in me making me gasp. “You’re good now,” he smirked before lifting me off again, this time in bridal style as he walked me to the bed, carefully putting me down. “I would’ve loved to shower with you,” he stroked my cheek, his body hovering over me. “But I don’t want your brother walking in on us like that. At least not before I tell him everything.” he poked my nose before kissing my forehead.

I nodded my head, smiling at him. “I like you so fucking much,” he admitted once again, this time his lips kissing mine.

“I like you too.” he cocked an eyebrow at my confession. “I knew it,” he whispered and kissed my cheek.

***

“Uhh, back the fuck up.” Connie pointed at Jean who was wrapping his arm around me in the kitchen. “You two like each other?” he waved his finger between us before stuffing his fork in his mouth again. I nodded and pushed myself closer to Jean. “Oh no.” he groaned pushing himself off his stool.

“No no no no no…” he repeated in annoyance as he walked past us. I frowned, turning to see him throwing himself on the couch. He threw his head back, another groan leaving his lips as he ran his hands us his face.

“I thought you’d be happy for me, what’s-“

“You had sex while I was in here?” he accused us dramatically in a high-pitched voice, faking his tears. Jean instantly laughed at his friend’s accusation. I let out a sigh of relief and shook my head before laughing at Connie who was fake gagging.

“We only did it the night you saw us together.” I played off. Connie gave me a ‘you think I’m stupid’ look and sighed.

“It was an everyday thing.” Jean corrected making me elbow his waist. He winced pinching my hip earning another hit. “Seriously man?” Connie whined. I mean, at least he wasn’t mad about us liking each other. The only thing that irked him, which is by the way overdramatized and ends up being one of his silly plays, is the fact that I had sex with him when he was sound asleep.

Connie sighed, his annoyed expression turning into a sly one. “I knew you two were fucking!” he laughed sticking his tongue out and clapping his hands. “Now that I’m positive that my sister got cuffed by someone I trust, I can finally sleep in peace.” I rolled my eyes before raising my hand to smack him but Jean pulled me closer to him making it impossible for me to move.

I looked up only to be met with his browns orbs already looking down at me with pure adoration. I could tell he was going to be one of the best things that have ever happened to me and I couldn’t be more thankful. Connie was still talking but I didn’t hear a word he said. Instead, I buried my face into his red hoodie and held him tightly. Who would have thought that my insignificant crush would actually make me feel so lucky?

“-she was and still is everything I’ve always wanted.” I heard him say before kissing my forehead.

[queerautism]

(before reading i would like to say i accidentally talked too much and it accidentally became possibly a vent??? no matter what u get a cookie for 0 reason but bc i said so. if u want to u can just delete the ask and not even look at it or whatever. i would prefer if you didnt post this ask itself and if u respond to it do it in a separate post. Edit later: I was going to ask a question relating to all this but I forgot it and honestly im not going to just delete all of this which is a lot. my stance on the “dont post this” has changed and it would be ok just add any tags u think are needed??)

sorry about this really long message /gen i just never talk to anyone about this and got a little too deep into talking about it all.

no clue if this can be answered but i have NO clue who to talk about this to (if you know anyone who could answer this better please direct me to them!!). back when i was younger, i had an emotional attachment to my (not legally back then) adopted siblings. they were related to me by blood, as cousins and their mom had just given them to us randomly and we decided to take them in. i loved them so much. and she took them away from us, just to put them up in another home and another and eventually they ended up in the foster care system and she went to jail.

now, i was in an awful state during this time where they weren’t with me. before then, my mental health had been pretty good, no meltdowns/tantrums/etc and anger issues weren’t a problem. but when they were taken, i got worse and worse pretty fast. Everything started going downhill and I would always be getting in trouble at school, at least one problem every week if not more. This was around maybe second or third grade? Not sure.

Started getting attached to books and minecraft youtubers to try and help this all out, but all that happened was just an obsession for the rest of my life and nothing else. All my anxiety & stress and whatever else were a cause of this experience but I never even think about this anymore and it doesn’t make me feel much looking back (besides misery and wanting to cry about something that isnt even a problem anymore), i just wish i could tell my past self they would come back.

They’re back with us and have been legally adopted for maybe 2 years now? I don’t remember. My anger issues are getting easier to handle, but I still snap at people sometimes and some people have assumed I have BPD, which I’m pretty sure I don’t have. Even my cousin thinks I have BPD.

During this time, I had been in a girl scouts group that my mom made and everyone in the group had left us because I was (and i quote, paraphrased but i remember this well) “weird and different” and because of my anger issues. Which back then, I had no diagnosis’s for anything and now looking back it’s an even worse memory since turns out I’m ND. Oh and I also sleep deprived myself when my siblings were gone and now i have insomniiiaaa

again sorry for the really long ask, have a good day and I dont know how to end this since I accidentally just vented to someone who doesnt even know me sorry :(

It's really okay. There's nothing weird about you. You were in a shitty situation where you had no control, and changes like this during formative years can have a big effect. It can absolutely be traumatic.

I'd say it might be a good idea to look into emotional regulation issues, and maybe CPTSD, which has a lot of traits in common with BPD. You might want to look at DBT therapy, there's workbooks you can do yourself and I've found them really helpful

[junova]

never been in love — single dad!steve (headcannon)

pairing: single dad!steve x teacher!reader

abstract: the one where steve likes you a lot and his daughter does too. 

warnings: it gets a lil smutty towards the end (18+) not really tho, this is so much longer than i intended jfc, bucky being kind of a dick, hint of daddy kink, cheating? 

[a/n]: this was totally inspired by @marvelouspeterparker​ post. i read it and it pulled me out of my writers block so thank u ! also this is so unnecessarily long but i have no excuse other than im a hoe for steve rogers?? 

*** gif isnt mine — i forgot creds srry :/

                             -ˋˏ ༻✿༺ ˎˊ-  

oh god this one is going to hUrt me

but can you just imagine when steve really gets to see you, not just in passing as he picks up his daughter

he nearly shits himself because how in the hell had he not noticed you before?

one any given day, he’s right on time to pick up shai

he’s always punctual

— until today

not only was he late, but he was an hour late and in his mess of mind he was fully convinced they’d never let him bring her to the school again

to make matters even worse his phone had died and his cable was nowhere to be found in his dying, old pick up truck

not to mention his sweet little angel, more than likely frightened out of her mind

— but he was so wrong

practically in a full sprint, he quickly made his way to shai’s classroom when he found her perfectly peaceful while she talked with her teacher

even though, she was facing him and could see him she paid him no mind. it didn’t faze her that her father was so late because you had stayed to keep her company

“well, it looks like he finally decided to show up.” shai spoke to you, loud enough so her father in the doorway could her. the edge in her tone pushing sassy all the way through

of course as soon as shai found her way in steve’s arms he profusely apologized and graciously thanked you for staying with her saying he would repay you for it

— and it definitely had nothing to do with how attracted steve was to you. nope. not at all

you dismissed his gesture, it was a delight to be with shai and you told him such but you had a feeling he wouldn’t let it go

— and he didn’t

the very next day, when he dropped shai off and handed you a dozen pastries he had made fresh this morning

the way you gushed over it, cheekbones high and happy over his kindness made steve’s heart swell

they were still warm and you just couldn’t believe he made these with his bare hands

it was easily the kindest gift anyone ever gave you and you told him that too before you could stop yourself

then he just started bringing you a pastry or two every other day, even if you’d refused them the next day he would bring double the amount he brought the day before

you stopped refusing him bc you already felt guilt since he wouldn’t let you pay for a single one

after two weeks, steve asked you out. you weren’t shocked he had, he had been buttering you up but no matter how charming you thought he was you couldn’t.

he was a parent of one of your students and you just couldn’t allow yourself to go there

it wasn’t necessarily against the rules, but it was frowned upon

accepting your rejection with grace and humility he grabbed shai before bidding you goodbye that day

you thought that was the end of it, until you saw him the following friday night at the bar you frequented at

— alone

you wanted to talk to him, the tequila in your system giving you an irresistible urge to but you were on a date with on of your friends’ coworkers

james buchanan barnes

he definitely was a smooth taker, those dazzling blue eyes sparkling like they knew something you didn’t

you really wanted to be interested, he was a loose shape of a man you’d dream about. maybe you could even pretend he was the one you really wanted

not when steve was sitting at the bar, alone.

but you left that thought behind and you convinced yourself you really were smitten with bucky

two weeks later, bucky and you had been on a few dates and he seemed to like you but you knew you had to end things.

whatever little fling you had going on

your heart got more of kick when steve used to bring you pastries in the morning before class than when bucky kissed you after your first date.

then he asked if you would come to his house, he was having a small get together and would love if you’d be there

— reluctantly, you went

bucky’s friends were nice, each one of them making you feel welcomed into their tight circle.

it turned into a better night than you thought and bucky seemed to be super touchy, guiding you onto his lap as you sat around the fire in his patio

natasha, bucky’s long friend since high school, had you all in fits on the stories from the past

everyone was too busy reeling to recognize his presence but you had the to be blind not to

there steve stood gaping at you’d like you were a ghost, certainly surprised to see you perched on bucky’s lap

yep you wanted to just crawl under a whole a stay there forever

“Glad to see you showed up, punk.” Bucky gesturing for him to make his way over to you, even when you pulled at the sleeve of his henley to stop him.

— of course your efforts to tame bucky in did nothing

he grabbed a cold one before making his way to the two of you

and dear god was it as awkward as ever

“Honey, this is my best friend, Steve.” Honey? He had never called you anything besides your name. By the way he pulled you even closer to him made you think there was something else entirely going on.

you certainly didn’t miss the way steve’s jaw clenched or as he held his right hand picking at the piece of bark rather aggressively

“Um, we actually know each other. Shai is in my class, actually.” Feeling rather suffocated by the weight of Bucky’s arms now that the man you felt too much for was here. “Really? I had no idea.”

steve’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head, infuriated. it wasn’t just that bucky knew you were shai’s teacher but he knew just how much steve liked you.

he didn’t shut up about you since he you with his daughter — something inside him changing in an instance

it wasn’t just that he thought you were the most wonderful woman he’d me — shai also raved over you

shai’s mother leaving a gaping whole in her heart she didn’t quite understand at the age of five was filled by you

you were kind to her, your patience never wearing thin as you gave her the attention she deserved

it may be your job but you enjoyed every moment with her and steve noticed

“Oh? She’s the one you would wake up an hour early for to make the pastries?” Bucky blurted out.

he woke up an early just to make those for you?

the way steve looked at the ground, grinding his fingertip against the label of his beer made you want to cry. his neck flaring pink at the embarrassment only made you wish you were in his arm instead

— even more than you already did

“You really should have seen the smile on his face when he came back from the school gushing over how much you liked what he had made.”

Bucky tightened his arm around your waist before saying. “Or when you reject him, I still can’t decide which is better.”

“That’s enough, James.” You tone harsh, before you ripped yourself away.

you couldn’t even look at steve, you don’t think your heart could handle it so you practically sprinted to your car

you needed to get the fuck out of here

until you reached for you keys, but they weren’t in your pocket

“Looking for these?” His hands looping through your keys giving it a twirl. “Star Wars fan?” Steve gesturing to you baby yoda key chain. “Maybe just a tad.”

“Thank you, Steve.” He tried to ignore the jump you ignited in his heart whenever you said his name.

handing your keys, he turned away from you, heading back into the house until you yanked him forward

the force so strong he though he was going to body slam into you before he pushing his weight against the car.....and you

“I’m sorry about, Bucky. I never would have gone out with him if I knew you two were friends.” You admitted while Steve just stood there looking embarrassed.

god did you always have to ruin everything

“I-I just, um, have these feelings for you. These very complicated feelings that make me want to throw every morally sound thought I have to the wind.”

“Which thought did you want to get rid of right now?” Stepping outside of his comfort zone, Steve grabbed your hands and just on instinct alone you cradled his face like it was the most natural act in the world. Like you had done it a thousand times.

“I mean, for one I’m telling myself I shouldn’t be this close to you.” Steve taking you by surprise as he tilted his head to the side, kissing the palm of your hand.

did he really just-

“What else, sweet girl?”

oh, you really were a goner

“I don’t know.” You spoke softly. Admitting to not only him but yourself — you couldn’t think when he was this close to you.

“Oh, but I think you do.” Steve diving right in as he latched his plump lips to your neck. Making whispers of his name drip off your tongue.

before you register what was happening steve had you pressed up against the car, rough hands gripping your thighs as your legs clinged to his slim waist

not to mention the ratio from his broad shoulders to his hips had your pussy drowning more

making you forget why you’d ever rejected him in the first place and he had hardly even touched you yet

then his lips met yours and you knew he had ruined you for anyone else. no one would ever compare to him and not anyone from your past did.

“Holy shit.” You whispered, completely in awe of what Steve was capable of doing to you in a matter of seconds. The proud smirk he wore in great contrast to what he felt back by the fire when he saw your body entangled with Bucky.

“If I ever see you sitting on my best friend’s lap again, I will go fucking crazy. Do you understand?” Steve eyes burning with envy.

“Yes, Daddy.”

brb gonna cry that i don’t have my very own steve rogers rip 

                            -ˋˏ ༻✿༺ ˎˊ-

 tags: @tonystankschild​ @parkastoria​ @kayteewritessteve​ 

[lovingrosewho]

Fake Dating (pt. 3)

Part 1 // Part 2

Here’s part 3! As usual, I hope you enjoy and any feedback is highly welcomed! 💕

MULTICHAPTER

Pairing: Crowley x Reader

Rating: T. More fluffy this time

Word count: 1.3k

Summary: Sam and Dean Winchester need your help with a case, which involves pretending to date the King of Hell.

Warnings: I think none, some cursing maybe

The evening goes as planned. You don’t talk much except for the occasional question directed at you, so you mostly dedicate to eat, report to Sam and Dean discreetly on your phone, smile, and squeeze Crowley’s hand under the table. He’s been a charm to be honest, his entrancing smile and deep chuckle could definitely make anyone fall for any lie, you’re not surprised he’s sold sin to saints for centuries.

It’s weirdly... easy, pretending to be a couple. And you’re astonished to see and listen just how much he knows about you just by indirect comments with the boys. Your favorite bands, your favorite color, he even knows you think roses are lame, and much deeper stuff, about your family, your past. It could be catalogued as weird, but thing is, it isn’t. It just seems normal. And truth be told, you know a lot about him as well. All those late nights doing research on the bunker’s library, on your own, with just the company of a single lamp and a pile of books, and him popping in, looking for the Winchester brothers, not realizing what time it was, trying to make just a little of small talk with you, it surely looks like you picked one or two things about him. It’s nice, not having to pretend to hate him for once, but quite the contrary, you can, for a few hours, let him peck you on the cheek and smile, or kiss each others hands, taking special care on the knuckles, running your fingers mindlessly on the surface of the skin of either your legs, palms or arms. Yes, it’s nice.

Now it’s been almost three hours and you think you’ll go crazy if you hear one more anecdote about some luxurious art gallery where rich people go to satisfy their ‘spiritual needs’.

“Excuse us but,” you say when they’re finished speaking “we should get going. You know, Queen and King of Hell and everything”.

Crowley’s eyes spark when you refer to yourself as the ‘Queen of Hell’.

“Of course!” the lady says in a tone you don’t quite like “But wouldn’t you prefer if we moved the party to our house?”

You consider the possibility for a second, if you could get there, perhaps you could help Sam and Dean too. You look at Crowley, who is watching you expectantly, waiting for your verdict. When he sees the silent sign for approval, makes an affirmative gesture.

Crowley pays the whole tab, which you’re certain wasn’t cheap, but he insists and doesn’t even let you nor your companions see the bill. Not that, being the King of Hell, matters a lot, apparently. You get going, driving along the shifters on an, also fancy, surely private, cab. The whole drive you don’t talk and you can barely look at Crowley, but his hand never leaves yours, and you’re relentless to let it go even if it seems, and probably is, wrong, given the facade is supposed to be over by now. He respects the silence filling the space, and keeps to himself any kind of comments he might have about the evening, or about you, conforming with watching you admire through the car window the few snow flakes that have started to fall from the sky.

About thirty minutes later, you arrive to a medium-sized house, considering you were expecting a mansion.

“What is this?” you ask quietly to Crowley.

“They’ve got plenty of houses all over the country, this one might just happen to be near, they move all the time” he explains in a shrug.

Even if Crowley’s explanation seems logical, you still have a bad feeling right in your gut, you take a firm grip at the silver blade you’re carrying to at least be prepared.

When you enter the household, the coziness of it immerses you; wooden floors and warm light surrounding you all of a sudden. You’re frankly impressed and glad to have left the luxurious side of it all back at the restaurant, but when you turn to Crowley, his face tells you something’s off.

“Everything alright?” you mutter closely to him.

“Yes, it just seems... weird. There’s no security system in this one and, one other minor detail, where are the Moose and Squirrel?” he mutters equally. Damn it. You forgot.

“Maybe they got the house wrong?” you keep speaking the same way, but the shifters interrupt you, conducting you to the living room, taking your coat off your hands and putting it on the rack. You obey, following carefully, looking for Sam and Dean on every corner, until they push a button at the side of the switch, hence you and Crowley are surrounded by metal walls, being left with only the center portion of the living room, meaning, just the sofa, a rug, and a lamp on top of the end table, the room being illuminated only by that single light, leaving you almost in gloom. You immediately take out your phone, but of course, it reads ‘no signal’.

“Ah” Crowley expresses “There’s the security system”.

You look at him in irony and turn to the nearest wall, punching it several times, like if it was gonna make a difference.

“You really thought we wouldn’t recognize a stupid hunter whore?” the shifters say through the wall.

“Bite me!” you scream, punching the metal again, taking your silver knife out and stabbing it too, only causing it to blend and almost break. You throw it furiously across the room and Crowley barely dodges it.

“Somebody’s got a temper” he mentions but regrets it the moment you storm towards him, ready to beat him too, he catches your fists in the air and backs you against the wall, his hot breath against your mouth “Easy there, love. I’m the last person you should be aiming your dandery nonsense to”.

“Really?!” you yell, liberating from his grip, not being able to control yourself “Cause it seems to me you set this all up and now you’re gonna snap someplace else and leave me all on my own!”

He rolls his eyes in a bored way.

“In case you haven’t noticed, which wouldn’t turn up as a surprise given the insane amount of anger you have in you as of now, there are devil traps right in this wall,” he starts pointing at the right one “and that other one”.

He’s right. The light makes it hard to perceive, but there are devil traps set with stainless steel all over the right and left walls.

“They’re not idiots, love” he tells you calmly “They know what they’re doing”.

“I should have known...” you say, more to yourself than to him.

“Kitten...”

“I should have fucking known. Fucking stupid. Flashed by the decor. Fuck!” you scream. Crowley comes up to you and engulfs you in a hug. You shake him off and walk a few steps away “Leave me alone”.

He looks in awe at you.

��You’re not about to behave like five hours ago, are you?” he exclaims, not exactly angry, but unsettled at the very least “Are you really going to pretend we didn’t share a moment back at the restaurant?”

“I said. Leave. Me. Alone” you repeat, going to the furthest corner of the room, sitting down and bringing your knees close to your chest. Crowley stares at you in disbelief.

“Suit yourself” he says, tone still calm but more severe.

A couple of hours pass. Room is still dim, the only light creates some harsh shadows and the temperature has started to drop since you’re in the middle of January. You can’t help the shivers, and the cold metal on your skin isn’t helping at all, but you’re too prideful to walk by the sofa, where Crowley is.

“Love...” he murmurs, trying to sound irritated still, watching you “You’re gonna freeze to death over there. Come here”.

You don’t make a single move, but are tempted to. Degrees keep lowering by the second, every time you exhale, a puff of steam comes out. Even thinking about a way out is becoming more and more difficult, with the lack of heat you’re unable to concentrate.

“Love?” Crowley calls again, this time there’s more concern in his voice. Your mind has started to drift, it feels as if any minute you were about to faint or quake uncontrollably. Lights begin to fade, Crowley’s voice too, your body seems to be shutting down to prevent you from going into shock from the unbearable cold.

Part 4

MASTERLIST // TAG LIST: @enby-thesbian (if you’d like to be tagged feel free to let me know! 💕)

[xonepeacelovex]

my cinderella prince

Pairing: Mark Tuan x Reader

Genre: Angst and Fluff | Friends to Lovers AU

Summary: You’ve been waiting for a text message but you got different message this time.

Warning: Alcohol consumption. Also not proofread. 

A/N: This is the result of binge reading all of Mark Tuan’s fan fictions. This is also my first GOT7 fanfiction. I know I did an incorrect quotes before for GOT7. :) Anyway, this is lowkey based on real life and I wrote this for closure because I had enough of the waiting game. I’m letting people go so new ones can come in in my life. Feel free to send me a message or ask. Thank you for reading!

10... 9... 8...

Everyone around you is shouting the countdown and already popping the bottle of champagne. Different colors and shapes of fireworks light up the night sky, making everyone more excited and at awe. 

7... 6... 5... 

Four seconds before the clock strikes 12, and the beginning of the new year. You look at your phone and scroll the notifications. You are met with notifications from Instagram from the pictures you are tagged in and a few last minute greetings from your family and friends. Deciding to answer the greetings later you press the power button of your phone. Getting the open bottle of red wine and pouring yourself a drink. Finally smiling, relieved that the year is ending. Quietly joining the countdown. 

3... 2... 1...

People clinking their glasses and you simply raises yours, smiling warmly to everyone. You sip from your glass and started greeting everyone a happy new year. Though New Year’s Eve is something you always celebrated, you sometimes still get overwhelm with how noisy it can be. 

After drinking everything on your glass, you put it down on the table and started your little quest of finding a quiet place in this party. You followed a couple heading upstairs, head shaking at how the holidays spread love and happiness in the air and somehow forgot someone like you. You found an open empty balcony, a perfect place to clearly see the fireworks.

You felt your phone vibrates on your pocket, instinctively getting it. You open your phone, a smile on your face, kinda expecting a message from a particular person, only for your smile to turn into frown when it is another notification from Instagram. 

Disappointment should be the last emotion you should feel tonight. Yet somehow, you cannot stop yourself from feeling it, mostly for the fact that he didn’t missed a single greeting for the last 10 years. Sighing deeply, trying to shake off the sadness bubbling in your chest. 

Looking up, the fireworks are still decorating the sky. In some way, being alone makes you feel less lonely. Downstairs everyone has someone to put their arms around and kiss when the clock strikes 12. Here, in a balcony, watching the night sky alone, actually makes you feel good. Promising yourself that this year you will celebrate your birthday and new year on a beach, somewhere where it is okay to be alone and not look at with pity because you don’t have someone beside you. 

Perhaps its the alcohol taking over your system, the one responsible for your thoughts. Who told you its a good thing to pre game before coming to a New Year’s Eve party, where you’ll surely drink just before your limit? Slowly breathing in the polluted air of the city, hoping it will help you sober up a little.

You left the balcony in search for a bottle of water, you cannot let yourself get too drunk. When you found a glass of clear liquid, you drank it immediately without much thinking it will be an alcohol in which it is. You take a sharp breath, feeling the burn in your throat. Feeling light headed you immediately went back to your own little space for a fresh air. 

And possibly it is really the alcohol taking over your system when you saw a familiar face in the balcony. Mark Tuan. 

You stumbled forward, not believing that the man you waited a text message from for a whole night is in front of you. Steadying yourself, you take a careful steps this time, towards Mark. Where you think you looked like shit, he is casually leaning against the balcony rail, looking handsome and cool. You think, he didn’t remember you at all at how he just stare at you or maybe its because he knows you and cannot believe that you are drunk already. 

Ten years is a long time to change. And high school for you is the worst era of your life so it should not be a surprised that you will be different from what he knew back then and the same goes for him. 

After a long time, you finally reached the balcony, grabbing the rail for support. You can see clearly now his face and from the way he smiles at you, you know he knows you. You returned his smile with a grin, “Tuan,” greeting him like before. “Y/L/N,” he replied, smiling widely this time. 

You forced yourself to look at the fireworks and stop the urge to keep staring at Mark, breathing in the air to sober you up. With the faint noise of people chattering in the background, he said to you softly, “Happy New Year.”  Blissfully, or in reality half yelling, you greeted him back “Happy New Year!”, looking at him in the eyes.

It is silly to be disappointed at him for not greeting you on your birthday when you are barely friends even back in high school. Besides he just message you every December 31 and after that like a silent agreement between you two, no one will dare to start a conversation for a whole year unless its December 31 again. 

Once in a while, Mark crosses your mind and in some way you always felt a connection between you two. You maybe treat each other as a friend or less than that but you always knew the relationship is special because what kind of friends only texted each other once in a year. 

It is funny to back read your conversation, it is only every December 31. The thought that you never greeted him in his birthday made you feel guilty. In addition to that guilt, you felt disappointed at him because he didn’t greet you yesterday when you never greeted him. Losing the smile on your face, you simply look up again at the sky. 

It is not a baseless assumption but an educated intuition, you like to word it like that, that maybe Mark really did have feelings for you. You are not a kind of person to believe in rumors especially if it is not from him directly. But all of your friends before always teases you to Mark. Whenever that happened, he just say sorry to you and you’ll dismiss it like a joke because of how embarrassed he looks like. Not wanting to be awkward with each other because of the teasing. So even though everyone says Mark likes you, you go ahead and found yourself a boyfriend. The teasing stopped and Mark also stayed away from you. That’s why him greeting you after high school surprised you because he knows and he apparently still treats you as a friend.

Definitely, you still like to avoid awkwardness so when the silence filled the room, you decided you should already go home. Even though 10 years is a long time to gather enough stories to entertain each other. Letting go of the balcony rail, leaning against it instead. Mark also lets go of the rail, this time turning his body to you. 

You chuckle at how awkward you both are, no one is expecting to see each other. “I’ll get going,” you said to him, standing up straight now. You don't want to seem drunk to Mark so you tried your best to walk straightly not until he stop you by grabbing your arm. Pulling you towards him, making you dizzy, stumbling upon him. “Wait,” he said while balancing you in his arms, “I have something to say,” that made you even more dizzy. 

Putting your hands against his chest for support, you tried to stand up alone. When you did, you remove your hands from his body, “Go ahead,” you replied to him.

“Happy birthday,” the greeting you are waiting for. Heart beating wildly against you chest, you smile at him, genuinely happy that he didn’t forget, “Thank you.”  

After this night, you’ll never see him again. You are sure. No need for your heart to beat fast for him, because like before, there will be no words spoken and the hearts will still remain clueless. And you can’t play this game anymore, not when you feel emotions you didn’t felt before for him like disappointment and guilt. Because he’s just a friend who always remember your birthday, nothing more, nothing less. You will not ask for more from the universe, you started walking away. You are maybe, once again, taking Mark for granted. Actually you’ll never know because he never said anything, leaving you in the middle.

What Mark did when he saw you leaving again after giving him that breathtaking smile was to pull you back... again. You found yourself in his arms, clinging to him. You are taken aback with Mark’s actions. You looked at him, confused, “Do you anything else to say?”, tired of this push and pull between you and Mark.

“Yes, and I hope I am not too late,” he said nervously, still holding your arms. You chuckle at him, “Mark, you already greeted me a happy birthday,” tilting your head to look at his eyes which is avoiding yours. “You also greeted me already a happy new year,” you reminded him. 

“No, it’s not about that,” this time he took a deep breath. “It took me years to finally have the courage and maybe a glass of wine to tell you this,” he stopped,  holding your hands in his, “I like you since high school,” he confessed and that left you speechless. “I want to talk to you everyday but I don’t have an excuse except when its your birthday,” Mark continued. “It’s okay if you don-,” that’s when you decided to cut him off with a kiss that surprised him initially but he returned with the same eagerness. 

“Finally, I’ve been waiting for this,” smiling, you whispered against his lips. Mark also smiles, biting his lower lip when he heard you say those words. Now you know why Mark just messages you once in a year. 

Copyright © 2021 xonepeacelovex All rights reserved.

[exosupport]

that was an awful bold thing my mother (part of the same system) sent here about having a second chance with her kids. sure, her and graydon have a great relationship now, since she defends his ass, but she’s not even interested in apologizing to me or my father for anything. she makes excuses for the shit she did, and when she does feel bad its not for me, its for herself. woe is her, her daughter hates her, everybody hates her for being a toxic asshole. she avoids interacting with people when she fronts not because she’s afraid of hurting them or something like that, but because she doesn’t want them coming after her and calling her out directly on her shit. fuck off, mama. maybe if you made any effort to be a decent person people would hate you less. 🖕

- rogue (x-men)

p.s. we’re not part of the mcu, the x-men movies are technically a different source /nm

God that really sucks it sounds like she's taking a huge L here tbh. There's not a whole lot I can say about this of course but I guess if you do want her to I hope that she gets her shit together and works on herself so she can actually use that second chance she's claiming.

Also oops to be honest I forgot that the mcu is an actual canonical thing so I've been tagging everything marvel as that. Will probably switch to exomarvel for the tag since I'd rather keep all of it together for simplicity sake.

[closer-stars]

Gut Feeling (5)

Member: San Genre: Angst, just Stress Word Count: 9k Content: Food. Realizations. Frustrations. Just a lot bro Note: idk i like slow burn and just this type of idea leaves a lot of space to make shit feel frustrating and powerless if that makes sense. i’ll update the links after 24 hours. this has been proof-read but will continue to do so later on wahu. happy new year yall Tag list: @barsformars @hwaberrykiwi @yeotlny @miniyeo @shinyddeonghwa @seoultraveller

Part 4

“Choi San!”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Then stop acting like a child!”

“Stop treating me like one then!”

The rest of the boys didn’t expect the outburst (except for roughly two of them), pairs of eyes darted from you and to the male. They’ve never seen you snap like this, not even when they were being pains in the ass for you, not even when Yeosang’s sharp tongue got the better of him, hell even if other staff members were being an asshole to you. They’ve seen San snap but not to the level where he answers back to those who they speak with respect. Both of you stand there, unmoving, jaws clenched and stiff, waiting for the other to make a move. Your eyes are hard to read, rocky maybe, as if you had immediately put up a wall before anyone could make sense of your emotions. The only thing that can be seen was your exhaustion. 

The boys wondered how much of your own struggles did you keep from them about this. 

San on the other hand, had eyes that light up with flames. He’s been sure of his feelings ever since he could remember. Admittedly, he fell for you somewhere along the way, he couldn’t pinpoint where but he did. He knows you’ve been harboring feelings for him too and for you to deny it had brought him so much frustration. It was a relief their current promotions are much more powerful otherwise, he would’ve lashed out from anger. The way you talked to him previously had been brewing in his mind. 

You’re the first one to make a move: you break eye contact and heave a sigh. “I’m going to get air. Hongjoong, you know what to do.” Your voice hangs clear in the heavy air, Hongjoong’s firm acknowledgement lets you leave smoothly. With a flick of your wrist, you toss the remote of the sound system to him on your way out. The only thing that could be heard from the room were your footsteps and the door closing behind you.

[You to Manager Yoon] Manager Yoon! Where are you?

[Manager Yoon to You ] Still in the office, why? 

You pause for a moment, trying to think of an excuse. Just for once, you want to be selfish. 

[You to Manager Yoon] Can you be the one to bring the boys home? I have a migraine. Not a good idea to be behind the wheel. 

[Manager Yoon] Who’s going to bring you home?

[You] I’ll get a taxi. Please? The boys will be finished within an hour. 

[Manager Yoon] Alright! Stay safe and take care of yourself. 

[You] Yes, thank you. 

It doesn’t take longer than five minutes for a taxi to arrive outside the building. You slip inside and the driver’s back on the road to bring you back to your apartment. You don’t realize how long you’ve been holding your breath until you settle into your seat.

“Long day?” The driver says, his aged voice bringing you out of your thoughts for a moment. Surprisingly, you still had enough energy to keep it light.

“Yes, can’t wait to get some rest.” You return, there’s an evident strain in your voice and it makes him chuckle.

“Life really is tough in your twenties to thirties isn’t it? Everything’s confusing, constant distractions, constant questions.” He sounded like a grandfather that needs some company so you entertain his thoughts. 

“Yes, a lot of things are happening and so many people expect us to know everything at this age.” You rest your head against the window, watching as people rush about to release the week’s stress. 

“It’s good you’re taking the time to rest tonight. Drinking and clubbing can only do so much, kiddo.” The driver chortles, and it seems he’s reminiscing his younger days. This causes you to chuckle softly, letting him talk as much as his heart wants. It was a good distraction from how your life has been in disarray. 

 Considering it was a friday night, the traffic was enough to be noticed. You don’t have the heart to put on your headphones to drown out everything for the sake of the old man. As you head home, the conversation spins towards your work. 

“A manager for an idol group? That isn’t easy, no? My granddaughter’s been a big fan of that one group, they did that black cat song recently.. Uh what was their name..” He grumbles, frustrated at his poor memory. 

“ATEEZ?” You pipe in carefully, heart warming slightly at how well your boys have done. 

“Is that their name? I think so, it is familiar. They seem like good boys too. She really likes that San guy too.” 

“They are.” You agree, your chest feeling a mix of ease and discomfort. Nevertheless, the general public was falling for the boys and you couldn’t help but feel pride in that. You try to disregard the comment about San, finding it to be life being an asshole to you. The taxi rolls up to the entrance of your apartment complex and you thank the man for his help. “Please have this too, you’ve worked a lot too.” You say as you hand him your payment. He’s surprised with the small bag of snacks you’ve been carrying this entire time that you handed to him with your payment. You bid him goodbye, carefully walking into the safety of your apartment complex. 

-------

Your body feels lighter after the shower and you look through your laptop for the files that have been nagging your mind. Mumbles of the files you’re looking for spill through your mouth as you glare at your laptop screen. The only thing that could be heard in your room is the sound of your fingers over the keyboard, ever since becoming a manager for such a loud group, you’ve come to appreciate the silence. 

“There we go.” 

Once the files are open, you look through your application, looking for a certain portion as your interview plays in the back of your head. From there, you type your letter to the superiors. It takes a few tries until you’re satisfied with it. For now, you’ll sleep on it, thinking if you should push through with this change or hold on until Manager Hwang comes back. At least, the letter has helped you clear your head on things that weren’t related to San. 

As you lean against your seat, you let soft music play as you try to figure out your feelings. Your stomach grumbles. After everything that happened, you forgot that you have yet to have your dinner. The boys have but you forgot to eat earlier. Not wanting to change clothes again, you opt for delivery. 

Was the universe laughing at you for your clashing feelings and thoughts? Your playlist plays songs that were unfortunately fitting for your situation. 

You’re still on the fence over your feelings for him. You have come to appreciate his presence in your life, in and outside of work but you were against putting romance where your work lies, that’s one of your rules. Especially when it comes to harboring feelings for the idol, that was a line you didn’t want to cross. You know how fans can be, and while fan attitudes can differ from person to person, people who liked the same artist seem to eventually carry the same attitudes. You didn’t know much about their fans, especially in this situation where fans couldn’t watch them perform in person. Some of them seem to be sweethearts, some less than stellar people. If you were honest with yourself, You didn’t want to give in to San or to yourself merely because of how fans can be when they realize their idols are dating. Heck, their friend resigned to save their group’s face. You didn’t want San to go through that. 

You were never a fan of the boyfriend or girlfriend image idols had to put on themselves. 

A series of katalks and knocking brings you out of your thoughts once more and you decide to attend to the knocking first once you smell the food wafting in. 

Hands full of the food you order for yourself for the night, you stop the music and decide to let your Netflix be your white noise as you eat and look through your messages. 

[Hongjoong to Group Chat] Manager-nim! What’s our call time tomorrow?

[Seonghwa] Hongjoong and I talked to San once we got back to the dorms. Manager Yoon doesn't know about it?

[Yunho to Group Chat] I thought it was you who was going to bring us home… teary_eyed_frodo

[San] I’m sorry

You didn’t think he would send you a message so soon.

Cheeks stuffed with noodles, you reply thoroughly to each of them. 

[You to Group chat] Wake up by 5AM, i’ll pick you up 6AM. 7AM for hair and make up, breakfast in the salon, 10AM to 6PM schedule. 7PM onwards studio/training or whatever you guys want to do. 

[You to Seonghwa] Oh okay, let’s talk about that tomorrow? Yes, Manager Yoon doesn’t know anything about it.

[You to Group chat] Ah sorry, I ended up with a migraine ^^;; 

[You to Group chat] Aw, haha! I’ll do my best!

You continue to eat, until your stomach is stuffed and you need to take a breather. It’s been awhile since you let yourself eat your comfort food without a care. 

The unread notification nags at you as you eat, even if you try to eat in peace. The thoughts start to run a mile a minute again and it makes your chest tighten up again. You push yourself up again and look through your refrigerator for some drink. Anything to ease your anxious thoughts from making it hard for you to breathe again. Not replying to him even on chat seemed a little cold even for you.

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

Why were Kakaotalk notifications so aggressive on vibrate? Another mouthful of noodles and spicy dumplings. 

[Mingi to Group chat] Are you okay now?

[Jongho to Group chat] Sleep early, Manager-nim.. We have a long day tomorrow.

[Yeosang to Group chat] Make sure to eat too!!

You felt bad for telling them a white lie but you needed to get out of that building. You send them a heart to acknowledge their messages for their peace. Once you’ve finished your meal, you freshen yourself up for bed, making sure your alarm was on for the following day. 

--------

On the other side of the line, the boys are in their dorms now. All of them in their sleep wear but in the living room to talk about things that need to be discussed. “San, you need to explain everything.” Seonghwa speaks up softly. Hongjoong sits on the corner of the couch, he’s not looking at anyone as he tries to make sense and do damage control as much as possible. 

The younger member looks at everyone, then at Hongjoong and Seonghwa, fearing that they’d be angry for various reasons. In hindsight, he should’ve just talked about it with either of them but his pride got in the way. The weight of keeping everything in slides off his back with a dejected sigh. He tells them everything, starting from when he found your antics adorable, to you going out of your way to take care of them even beyond your line of work. The boys really can’t blame him, they did sacrifice a part of their lives for their dreams. It’s natural to have a want to experience something as normal as falling in love, even if it’s a little misguided. He includes the part where he assumes that you and Seonghwa were a thing. This results in six heads turning from San to Seonghwa in less than a heartbeat. 

“Time out, time out.” Seonghwa says, after regaining his composure from such a curveball. “This entire time, you thought we were a thing?” He asks, eyes wide with confusion. The older won’t admit that he’s amused by the misconception but he is alarmed that it has reached such heights. 

The question has San straightening his back in confusion. “Yeah, the two of you are always together, more than anyone else. Also they’re more talkative with you… they just look more comfortable with you than me..” He tries to explain but the more he goes on the more he realizes how stupid he sounds. 

Stunned silence falls over the eight of them, Hongjoong still thinking on how to approach this. Wooyoung sits back against the backrest of the couch, his head resting against the palm of his hand. “So this is the extent of how jealousy affects him.” Cue, two hands flicking his shoulders. “Ow!” The attention shifts back to Hongjoong when he repositions himself in his seat. 

“Seonghwa, you didn’t know about that part? Not even when you talked to them?” 

The older shakes his head, “We didn’t get the chance to talk too much.. Things kept getting in the way.” He purses his lips in mild annoyance at how things played out for everyone. “But,” he continues, and the way his voice carries in the room has everyone looking at him. “I’ll find a way to talk to them again.” 

It’s not really a surprise that San thought Seonghwa was the favored one but here they are, in a middle of chaos because of his assumptions. 

“San, you have to talk to them as soon as possible and fix all of these. We can’t do everything for this.” Hongjoong says, his tone gentle. Being angry at this point won’t solve anything and god forbid two of his own members start fighting, and it had to be the two with the scariest tempers. The younger winces at the idea that his ego got the better of him and how he still has the audacity to worry about how you’d think of him once he comes clean with everything.

“I will, hyung.” With that, the meeting has ended and everyone’s retreating into their rooms. San catches Yunho’s worried look and he tries to shoot a reassuring smile at the male. “I’ll manage, Yunho. I haven’t failed yet.” 

He hopes those won’t be his famous last words. 

--------

Your phone wakes you up. Time for work. It takes a few tries (with some disgruntled whines) to finally start the day. “Fuck.. One more round for this promotion period.” You manage to grab yourself an oat drink on the way out, just to stave off the hunger until you arrive at the salon with all eight boys. 

You arrive outside their dorm, knocking on the door. In a few seconds, Seonghwa’s the first one you see, already ready while the others are finishing up. “Morning!” You didn’t think he was a morning person, but here he is in a chipper mood than you. 

“Morning, Seonghwa. Is everyone ready?” You peek behind him for a moment then back to the male in front of you. 

“Give them five minutes.” Seonghwa suggests and lets you into their dorm, instead of letting you wait outside. 

Finding discomfort in having to be in their personal space, you close the door quietly and wait outside. “Just don’t stall too much.” You say under your breath. Do you put too much trust in the boys? Seeds of uncertainty have been growing in your stomach as the promotions continue amidst the chaos behind the scenes. You need quiet time soon. Your eyes flit to the time in your phone, rough estimates run through your head as you debate on waiting here or heading to the car to start it up. 

Before you could even come up with a decision, the door opens with eight boys already ready to start the day. Your eyes automatically go to Seonghwa and Hongjoong for reassurance. The show must go on after all. 

--------

You can tell they’ve gotten used to performing even without a physical audience. They’ve grown rapidly as performers with each stage. You’ve eventually built up a wall between you and the members, not too fast that the others notice it but just enough for people to reason your absence with logic until they get used to it. The more you stray from them, the more you linger with the other staff members who went with you and the group. While your heart is confused with San, you find yourself in ease with people who also enjoy being behind the scenes. They share stories of their experience in the industry, crazy stories to horror stories. All of which gave you tips and lessons. You tell them yours as well, not everything, but just those that can be shared and in the exchange, you find yourself able to laugh freely again. 

The boys let you be. They understand what had just happened between you and San is still fresh. It doesn’t stop San stealing glances at you, guilty and frustrated at what has happened. 

“Let them be, San.” Yunho says softly in between spoonfuls of his meal. San’s eyes tear away from you and it makes Yunho sympathize with him. He can see how San still feels guilty about it but still so prideful, still so stubborn. “They’ll come around eventually. At least they’re still doing their job right?” He adds, in hopes of pointing out something good despite the chaos. 

“I guess so..” The other returns, eventually focusing on his meal as they get ready to perform. 

It doesn’t take long until they’re called on stage and the room mellows down to quiet chatter among staff members. Manager Bae approaches you as you busy yourself with your own phone and laptop. “Are you okay?” he asks you as he drops next to you. He leans against the table as his eyes are kept on the tv screen. 

Your fingers fly over the keyboard as you pen another email to send to the externals team. Eyes snap to the man next to you as before turning your attention back to your laptop. “Why the question? I’m alright as far as I know.” 

He shakes his head for a moment, before taking a sip of the instant coffee. “No reason, just checking up on you after the intense schedules lately. They can take a toll on anyone.”

You would know. At his words, you shake your head to reassure him. “I knew what I was getting into when I sent my work application here.” Not entirely a lie. You were ready for hectic schedules especially for a rising idol group. What you weren’t ready for was feelings from a rising idol but that was besides the point. You scan through your email once more, making sure all the important details are in it before pressing send. “I promise, I’m able to get with the pace. If I can’t, at least let me stay until the end of a promotional cycle.” You add with a light chuckle. 

The older looks at you with slight concern that you don’t catch, too busy rearranging your schedule. “If there’s any trouble besides health, don’t hesitate to tell any of us alright?” He says. You hum in agreement, doing your best to reassure him. It doesn’t take long until the boys are up on screen, pouring their heart out as if they’ve been doing this for so long. You could hear some sounds of admiration a few rooms down and you could only assume that it’s the rookies watching the same stage. There’s really just something about San performing, especially a song like Thanxx. Would it be right to compare San to a chameleon? Any color he seems to just get into it but it didn’t seem to be right. There’s something about the song that makes you think ‘This is the group that has captured the public’ and San’s practically shining on this stage. You force yourself out of it, focusing on everyone as well and you find yourself grinning at Yeosang’s cheekiness. 

You rest your chin on the palm of your hand, a lazy grin still on your features. “Who knew Yeosang would bring out this cheekiness?” You ask softly and it makes Manager Bae laugh. 

“He’s always been that type of guy but having it on stage really is a bit of shocker.” 

You lean against your seat, somehow impressed with how much Yeosang has grown as a performer. “Oh, have you received news so far on Manager Hwang?”

He looks at you with a raised brow in jest. “Itching to get away from the chaos the boys bring?” The question causes you to defend yourself immediately, floundering over words and while waving your hands to push away such thought. While in a different context completely, the words hit a little too close to home. Manager Bae laughs at your reaction, “Relax, to answer your question, Hwang’s doing better now. He’ll be back by the end of the year.” 

A few more months, but a few more weeks of this hectic schedule. You can last, at least you hope so. 

The boys finish their stage without a hitch and they return to the dressing room still high on the stage adrenaline. You let them settle down first as they catch their breath for their next schedule. Somehow Seonghwa manages to pull you aside. 

“We need to continue our talk soon..” He mumbles away from everyone’s earshot. You bite your bottom lip and concede to his wishes. 

“Fine, after this week of schedules.” 

---------

The talk doesn’t happen much to your relief and their frustration. Their schedules were swamped still with offers and preparations for upcoming shows. Little by little though, you slowly excuse yourself from their free time. Only appearing for when you need to bring them home or to their schedules. 

But even if the talk doesn’t happen, you’re still stressed with no sign of a break. Every moment you have to yourself throughout the day is spent trying to catch your breath and calm your racing heart and mind. You look at the time, their last schedule was about to end and so will everyone’s shift. It’s your turn to bring all the boys home, and with that your schedule essentially ends by now. The boys are in the studio, practicing for a different stage this time, reviewing old pieces that can be reinvented for the new performance. Almost half the boys are on their backs, exhausted from the long day they have. You sigh, knowing how it feels to be so tired and so hungry after hectic schedules. “Alright, what do you guys want for dinner?” You ask them and they look up at you through the bullets of sweat that has been running down their skin. It’s when the question catches no answer from the boys that give you an idea of just how exhausted they are. “Guys? What do you want for dinner? It’s on me.” 

“Fried chicken please?”

“Can we get meat?”

“Cola too..” 

Even without looking at each of their faces, you can already see the pout on some of their faces. A soft chuckle slips from your lips, taking notes of their wants. “Think you guys can hold on for a few minutes?” 

“Knowing them, anything for food.” Seonghwa says as he gets back up on his feet, slipping on a jacket. “I’ll go with you.” You look at him with a raised eyebrow, knowing that this can go a certain direction. You don’t say anything but nod at his words, you spin on your heels and leave the studio. You didn’t want to look at San’s direction, you just can’t get yourself to look at his general direction even if he was just a few feet in front of you. 

Once out of the building, you find yourself breathing out a sigh of relief which Seonghwa notices. “Long day?” He asks softly, as he walks with you towards the nearest restaurants. All you really do is just hum in agreement. You weren’t in any mood to talk about how your days have been since that argument, your supposed meet with Jiwoo kept getting pushed back, so you’ve been stuck on your own for who knows how long. He senses how tired you are, figuring it would be better to keep the talk to a later time. The two of you end up walking quietly down the road, looking for the favorite restaurant of the boys. He has to tug at your sleeve to get you back to reality once the both of you arrive outside the restaurant. “We’re here.. Did you want coffee?” He asks as he opens the door for the two of you. 

There were a few tables that were occupied but not to the point where your health could be on the line. “Can we ask for take out?” You ask the staff, they know your face by now for the same orders over the past few months. The answer is an obvious yes but it never hurts to ask especially with everything happening. 

“The usual?” 

“Yes, plus a few add-ons..” You list down the drinks and other side dishes the boys would definitely want post training. Seeing you converse with the staff, Seonghwa somehow understands why San fell for you but he also somehow understands why you’re so apprehensive. It’s just a matter of time to make the two of you see each other’s reasons and find a middle ground. Now that all the orders have been listed, they let you take a seat on one of the available tables. The two of you finally let your feet rest as you try to find ways to kill time. It was tricky to talk about the elephant in the room with the restaurant still being occupied by people besides the two of you. 

“Manager-nim..” Seonghwa calls softly, watching you practically deflate in your seat. “You really need to rest.” 

“After your promotions, I will.” You say as you stretch your back in your seat. The male eyes you with worry but you’re very much like them, stubborn and wanting others to not worry about them. 

The two of you busy yourselves with other conversations to kill the time, monitoring how the public have been finding their performances, and other offers that were around the corner for them.

What the two of you didn’t know was that someone had recognized Seonghwa and has proceeded to sneak a photo of him with you. The stranger has managed to post it on social media, causing a stir online on who could be with him and if he was dating. It doesn’t take too long for the tweet to spread around social media, and fortunately for the two of you, the food comes in quickly. “Come again soon and stay safe and healthy!” says the staff as the two of you bow your thanks and hurry off to return to seven hungry boys. 

In the studio, some of the guys catch on their sleep with a nap while they wait for your return. The others busy themselves on their phones, looking at what their fans have been talking about and what wishes to fulfill on stage. Yunho notices that Seonghwa’s name is on the trending topics and decides to snoop around, wondering what did he do this time that has the fans wrapped around him. His eyes slip towards San, who was deep asleep on the floor, his cap covering his face. He looks over at Hongjoong who was busy doing the same, probably looking at the letters fans have sent to them. “Hyung..” He whispers softly, as he slowly slides over to the older male. 

The older looks at his screen and already knew what was up from just a quick glance. 

[Hongjoong to Seonghwa] Where are you

[Hongjoong to Seonghwa] hey people think you’re dating someone. 

Hongjoong scrolls through the posts and he sighs in relief as it seems that they don’t know it’s you. Your features could barely be seen from the angle it was shot. 

[Hongjoong to Seonghwa] they think you’re dating manager-nim seriously, hurry quick because people are gonna fuss over it the longer you’re out. 

“It’ll be fine, Yunho. As long as the others don’t see it.. And we have mature fans, they’ll be able to take care of this.” It’s also a reassurance for him too. They never really had a dating scandal and he kind of wishes it would stay like that as long as possible. “If anything bad happens, just tell me okay? We’ll be able to take care of it.” 

--------

Seonghwa’s phone vibrates almost nonstop and you take a plastic bag with the food from him to let him check his phone. “The boys?” you ask as the two of you walk back to the agency. It’s his groan that makes you look at him from the corner of your eye. “What happened?” You press. 

“Someone took a photo of us in the restaurant, thinking I’m dating you.” He explains with another hiss of annoyance. “Your face isn’t seen but it’s making rounds.”

[Seonghwa to Hongjoong] On our way back

[Seonghwa to Hongjoong] Five minutes. 

He takes the bag back from you and starts to walk a little quicker. “Let’s hurry back.” He says. 

If it weren’t for how he was walkiing so fast, you would’ve stood there stunned by such assumptions from strangers. You do your best to match his pace, all while making sure nothing spills from the containers. You just hoped the rest of the group and the company sees none of this otherwise, you are quite literally screwed. 

--------

Everyone was slowly waking up in the studio, and thanks to Wooyoung’s sharp nose, he could already smell the food. They know better than to doubt his sense of smell.  “They’re here! They’re here!” Wooyoung exclaims. San being the hardest to wake up, it takes a while for him to regain his surroundings. He rolls across the floor, not wanting to get up. “Hey San! They brought meat!” Wooyoung exclaims and that was enough to get him to sit up first, trying to shake away the grogginess. The latter eventually stands up and drags himself to the kitchen where everyone was at this point. He pats his jacket down, just to make sure if his phone was in there as he walks down the hallway. The bustling in the kitchen was hushed from the weariness but still lively from guys who are aching to get something in their stomach. 

San is greeted by the sight of his members bustling around the food, excited to eat something filling. He’s also greeted by the sight of you sitting a little further away from where Seonghwa is, instead opting to sit near Jongho and Yunho. Hell, you’re far from where he sits too. He wonders if something had happened on the way here for you to be this quiet. 

You had let the boys busy themselves with their own meals as you eat yours quietly. Your fingers scroll through social media as you search for tweets regarding the dating rumor. Despite Seonghwa having reassured you that your face couldn’t be seen, you wanted to see it for yourself. There were already heated discussions about the group and who the mystery person is. Some fans found an account that they assume is you. A part of you had to give it to them for thinking that random user is you, but it’s not. The other part is terrified of how skilled they can be in searching for people on the internet that matches their assumptions. Some fans had managed to control the flames before it reached the rest of the fans. The mere idea that they could’ve found your social media makes your blood run cold still. You really can’t do this. 

The meal time ends soon and the boys are ready to head home. “Can you guys take out the trash? I’ll get the car ready.” You say. 

“Sure thing, Manager-nim. ‘Kay Wooyoung, get in the bag.” Yeosang jokes, gesturing for his friend to get into the used bag and it was enough to get the room sputtering from the sudden comment. 

“Yeosang!” You sputter out through laughter. It’s how Wooyoung looks at his best friend that has you doubling over. It’s been a while since you managed to let out laughter that was so genuine and it does lift your spirits even for a short while. “I can’t believe you guys, I’ll wait for you all by the car okay?” 

Now that you had left first, Seonghwa lets out a breath he’s been holding the entire time. “San, we need to talk first.” This makes everyone turn to the two of them. San raises an eyebrow out of alarm and concern.

“Did something happen?” 

Now, Seonghwa, Hongjoong and Yunho look at each other in confusion. They honestly had expected that San would know by now as he was often on his phone during their down time. He was also usually the first to know the trends. How else did he get everyone to hit the whoa constantly? 

It had to come from Seonghwa. “For transparency’s sake, some stranger took a photo of Manager-nim and I thinking we were on a date, right while we were waiting for our food. They didn’t catch Manager-nim’s face but it’s kind of everywhere online. Just needed to let you know to avoid misunderstandings.” 

The first few words made his stomach drop but thankfully it didn’t go any lower. San honestly didn’t know what else to say, was he jealous that people thought you and Seonghwa were a thing? Somewhat. Was he worried for the group and for you about this news? Pretty much. He does have faith in their fans to know better than to believe something so baseless. Despite that, a lot of emotions were running through him. For now, he had to push them away. “I, uh, I see… uh, Thanks for letting me know, hyung. Let’s go? Manager-nim’s going to wonder why we’re taking too long.”

“We can just say we tried to fit Wooyoung in the bag, hehet.”

“Agh! Kang Yeosang!” 

--------

It takes a few minutes for them to head down, and by then you were already in the driver’s seat, waiting for them. “Maybe I shouldn’t have waited for them.” You mumble. By the time you finish the thought, the car doors swing open and the boys slowly trickle into the car. 

“Sorry we took so long.” Jongho’s voice startles you, nearly making you drop your phone. “Yeosang-hyung was actually trying to get Wooyoung-hyung into the bag.” 

His words make you twist in your seat to look at Yeosang. “How did that go?” Your question makes Wooyoung whine at how you were also teasing him. For a few moments, things were back to normal, which for the most part was good as it helped you destress. The ride back home went by smoothly, the boys busy with themselves while Jongho kept you company in the passenger’s seat. 

Once all of you arrived back in the apartment, they hop off and now that you were on your own again, you let out a sigh. The back of your head resting against the headrest of the driver’s seat. A few more rounds then this promotional cycle is done. You rub your stiff shoulders, maybe you should invest in a newer bag soon. After the quiet moments on your own in the car, you suppose that you should get out and head to your place. 

Just as you’re walking towards the elevator, you’re greeted by the boys still lingering. “I thought you guys went up already.” You mumble. 

“San said to wait for you so we did.” Yunho chimes in and you look at them with a raised eyebrow. It takes a lot from you to actually spare that man a glance. It’s mind reeling when you actually share a glance. 

“I see..”

“Though if it’s payback for making you wait earlier then that’s also understandable.” He adds quickly, which once again causes a small smile to form on your features. You don’t really see how the others look relieved to see you smiling a little more even just for today. The joke makes you shake your head, endeared by their actions. 

“Come on, it’s late.” You usher the boys in once the doors slide open. Now, while in bigger spaces, you had control of where you can be and who to be with. In something as small as an elevator, you didn’t have much choice. You were stuffed next to San by the corner. Somehow it was already agreed that you’d be the first one to be dropped off, something about you deserving to get more sleep than them. You’d like to disagree but when the battle is eight against one, it was better to let it be. You haven’t been in contact with San unless it’s a group related matter so to have him  The doors open and you immediately get yourself out of the lift, you bid them a good night and you immediately walk off, not wanting to look him in the eye, even when you felt his gaze on you. 

San was about to follow you but the doors closed in on them and already started moving towards their floor. Yunho notices him deflate in his spot, pulling his hat down over his features. He doesn’t say anything about this for now, instead waiting for them to arrive at their rooms just so they can talk about this. The taller male looks at the screen go through the other floors until they arrive at their floor. He decides to trail behind with San, making sure that the others don’t hear them. “Go and shower before me, I know you’re stuck in your head again.” The other says nothing but nod. Yunho says nothing when he catches sight of San quickly wiping at his face underneath the hat. 

--------

San’s already in bed, waiting for his roommate to finish showering. He’s busy on his phone instead of being on the computer. You haven’t replied to his messages either. He sees the tweets, well some of it, as the original posts are now deleted or are now hidden behind private accounts. Regardless, he still can see the aftermath from questionable accounts and his fans. He’s slowly understanding why you’ve been unresponsive and evasive of him. It’s not excusable but it gives him a perspective on why you did the things you did. 

Yunho finally enters the room, hair still dripping wet from his shower. “Took you awhile.” San says, trying to act fine, even when the two of them know better. 

“You know how Seonghwa-hyung is when it comes to the shower.” Yunho returns lightheartedly, and from a few feet away, they can hear Seonghwa yell in defense. The two roommates glance at each other for a moment, surprised that the eldest heard their banter before chuckling to themselves. Yunho then shuts the door quietly, just so they can talk a little more freely without the pressure of the other members hearing in on them. “Wanna talk about what’s going on in your head?” He starts as he dries his hair with a towel. 

The question makes San think for a moment. That’s the thing with him, when his thoughts are too muddled, making them into a coherent phrase is a challenge. “I really don’t know why I wanted to go after them.” He admits after moments of silence. If they stayed quiet long enough, they could hear Hongjoong and Yeosang playing video games in the living room. “I’ve avoided them long enough that they’re doing the same now.” He continues dejectedly. 

Yunho mulls over his words and knowing how everyone is, spread too thin with their current schedules and for their upcoming schedules. It would be hard to think clearly in this current situation. “Tell you what,” he starts, tossing his towel over the chair. “Try to talk to them after our promotions, we won’t be promoting until somewhere in 2021.” He sits up on his bed, his pillow on his lap. “Manager-nim been so tired too, late nights from us and helping out the externals with putting our names out there. Didn’t they get us a photoshoot with a big magazine?”

San has noticed it too, your eyebags have been a lot more prominent even when you try to cover it up with the make up tips their makeup artists teach you. The attentive light in your eyes have dimmed slightly and he has seen you staring into space or napping when there’s time for you. To approach you know would strain you even more and he’s already done enough of that. 

“You’ll figure it out, San. Don’t rush it.” Yunho reassures and somehow San wants to believe in himself the way Yunho does too. 

--------

You’re still hung up on the posts on social media, scrolling through all the posts made by users as they try to figure out who Seonghwa was with. Someone posts a profile that looks a lot like yours and it makes your stomach drop. It’s yours. Somehow, they found your profile as one of the probable people that Seonghwa hung out with. On adrenaline, you try to read through the post and comments, most of which were to your defense. You were grateful for that but you didn’t feel comfortable knowing strangers on the internet know of your account and are possibly going through your posts. 

[ You to Manager Chat ] can someone cover my shift tomorrow? 

You realize your message might be taken for worse so you quickly follow it up.

[ You to Manager Chat ] It’s nothing serious. I just think my body’s going to get sick if i don’t take care of it now. 

[ Manager Bae to Manager Chat ] I’ll cover. Take care of yourself especially in this time. You sure you only need one day? 

The question makes you pause. You want more than a day but you’ll have to play it out. 

[ You to Manager Chat ] I’ll feel it out and let you know asap. Thank you :( 

[ You to Manager Chat ] I trust you enough to let you get the keys from my apartment.

You send the passcode to your place to the chat and tell them where you keep the keys whenever it’s you on the job. Once they acknowledge your messages you toss your phone elsewhere. 

Your body deflates on the bed as you try to figure out how to manage your social media accounts without looking suspicious to the fans. Your eyes glance to the digital clock by your bedside. 

2.35 AM

“Fuck..” You groan out, rolling onto your stomach as you try to will yourself to sleep. One step at a time, you’ll get through this. You hope you do. 

--------

The boys are greeted by Manager Bae in their car.  

“It’s not them today?” Seonghwa asks, mildly alarmed by the lack of a heads up in the change of plans. 

“They’re not feeling well today,” he explains much to the worry of the boys. “they needed the rest.” He continues as he waits for the boys to settle into their seats before pulling out of the parking lot. Their manager senses the unease and he can’t help but symphathize. “Boys, they’ll be alright, the schedules just got to them and their body just needs to reset.”

Seonghwa glances at San who has an unreadable expression on his face. “They’ll be okay.” The eldest says as a reassurance for everyone. A small part of him worries if he has some degree of fault as well in this entire situation on your health too. 

--------

You wake up with the sun already at its highest point. Your hand hops around the bed, looking for your phone until you feel the cool metal under your fingertips. Eyes squint through the burning brightness of the sun and your phone screen.

13.45

Nearly twelve hours of sleep isn’t so bad you thought. 

[ San to Group chat ] Manager-nim are you okay?

The message was sent six hours ago. Oops. 

In your still groggy state, you manage to send a reply, not really realizing who sent the message. 

[ You to Group chat ] I’m okay. I just need rest. 

It takes a while for you to get out of your bed. Body still too tired to move properly after months of constantly moving that a day where you get to sleep in and move without rushing is proving to be a shock. 

One way or another, you’re able to make yourself something light to eat with your usual coffee. You manage to get yourself together to take care of yourself without any rush. It’s a nice change, you had to admit: no yelling and bantering, just faint music from your phone. Your music falters for a moment notifying you of a message.

[ Manager Bae to Manager chat ] don’t worry too much about coming in tomorrow. I talked with the team and they want you to take some rest for your safety and everyone else’s. 

[ You to Manager chat ] I’m not fired right… 

[ Manager Bae to Manager chat ] No no! Just get some rest, the company knows you’ve been working hard too. 

You look at the messages and sigh softly. 

[ Manager Bae to Manager chat ] also don’t worry about your planned day off, it’s still set after the promotions. 

You’re starting to appreciate the company you work for after that. You try to quickly get ready for the day, fixing what you need to make sure to get yourself tested for the virus within the day. 

Bzz Bzz! 

It’s Jiwoo. You didn’t think she’d finally have some time after that chaotic news from one of her artists. “Hello?” Her voice booms from the other line and you opt to put her on speaker, wanting to save your ears. 

“Hello! I miss you a lot, I know it was an ass move from me to disappear from you for weeks--”

You cut her off there. “Jiwoo, we’re in an industry that’s kind of cut throat, I kind of understand what you had to do to deal with things..” Your words make her pause for a moment and for a split second, you wonder if she was still okay. 

“Touche, now I owe you my time because I remember you told me something has been bothering you.” She recovers with ease and you’re left to your own devices, putting your phone on the counter as you make yourself a cup of coffee. Her words cause you to falter in your movements, almost spilling some coffee grounds. No escape from this topic really huh. So you ended up telling them everything since the first day of work for the sake of context, up to when San confessed to you. 

“I swear Jiwoo, if news about this breaks out, I will go to you and break your kneecaps.” Your coffee was finally done by the time you finished your story. 

She’s unfazed by your threat, and instead decides to ask you a question. “And how are you with all of these?” 

A quiet sip of the liquidated caffeine to gather your thoughts. “Stressed, worried, I genuinely don’t know what I feel about him.” It was the truth too. You barely had time to process your own feelings even if Seonghwa tried to talk to you. Everything lately has been full speed ahead, no space to pick up the emotions. 

“Do you want my thoughts on this?”

“Please. You know me better than the boys… and me.”

“if you didn’t like them, why would you be so affected?”

It’s a good thing you haven’t taken a sip of your coffee otherwise you would’ve spilled it all over yourself. “Huh?”

Jiwoo clears her throat and you can already picture her sitting up on her bed. “Mind you, I’m just approaching this from an outsider, who also has an inkling of how you can be in this situation. Also from what I know through you and from other staff, San does have a tendency to show his best and genuine side doesn’t he?” The question has your head running back through all the days you spent with him alone. “Don’t get it twisted, okay? I genuinely think you harbor a bit of a liking for him--which is mind you, very understandable based on everything I hear about him. Eventually you know yourself better than I do and considering you won’t be going to work right? Today and tomorrow? Try to think about it.”

Your voice comes out a little weak. “Yeah..” The thought she suggested had you reeling. Did you really have feelings for him?

“I have to go now, I have a meeting in two hours. Talk to you soon?” She says, hoping to hear from you soon. Ideally when both your schedules aren’t as hectic as they are. 

“O-oh yeah sure, let’s hang soon when all of our schedules are over.” With that, the call ends and you stare at your still unfinished cup of coffee. 

You spend the rest of your day in your apartment, catching up on your own hobbies and self. Even if you try to busy yourself with your own interests, you mind wanders back to what Jiwoo said. Did you really have feelings for him? You were so sure of yourself that you could separate your own feelings from work but now you’re not as sure. 

There’s a knock on your door that yanks you out of your thoughts. Who was at the door? 

You push yourself off the floor, pausing your movie as you make your way to the door. The knocks continue, a little more persistent this time. You peek at the peephole and the people you see confuses you. You open the door, greeted by the sight of a startled duo. “Hongjoong, Seonghwa, what are you doing here?” 

“Can we come in? We brought food for you.” 

“You’re lucky I’m not sick.” You mumble, letting them in. 

This is the first time they see your apartment. Maybe it’s because you live alone that they feel like they can breathe easier compared to the full house a few floors above. You know that their eyes are looking around your place, there’s not a lot of items around, you had to admit. You just liked to keep things simple, easier to pack and unpack when you have to move. 

“Oh, you have our albums on display!” Hongjoong exclaims, thoroughly flattered. 

“Of course.” You say, you’re their manager, should you not have their works on display? You were proud of how well they’ve been received by the public too. A nervous hand goes up to rub the back of your neck. “Uh, can I know why you guys are here?” You don’t remember telling them either what number your apartment was. 

Seonghwa sets the food they bought for you on the table. “We wanted to fill you in on some things.” 

“Coffee, water, tea?” 

This was going to be a long night. 

--------

Seonghwa takes another sip of his tea and  Hongjoong hasn’t touched his coffee yet. You on the other hand, haven’t touched your water. “So you’re telling me,” you start, trying to wrap your head around this piece of information. “Choi San, thinks that I liked Seonghwa.” 

“Thought, but yeah..” Seonghwa corrects gently and his gaze carries sympathy at how you just looked so tired with this chaos. Your face is hidden behind your hands before you lean back against your seat. The entire night ended up with the two of them having dinner with you while filling you in on details you missed. 

There’s silence now as you try to absorb the information. It’s only then that Hongjoong drinks his now cold coffee. He glances at the male beside you, concern in his eyes. Truthfully, even he didn’t know how to console you. Everything has been full speed ahead for everyone, while he and the boys are accustomed to it, you needed time to recuperate. “Do you want to say everything in your mind?”

“Hongjoong, my mind’s a mess.”

“That’s perfectly fine. You gotta let it out right?”

So that’s when you filled them in on your conversation with your best friend earlier today. “Her thought is that I have feelings for San too but I don’t know if I do.” Hongjoong peers at you curiously and it’s Seonghwa’s turn to shoot him a look. 

“Because..?” 

“Because, I don’t really spend time with you guys outside work responsibilities?” That was a valid point you had there. Hongjoong hums at your reply, letting you continue. “Don’t get me wrong, all of you are great to be with but the idea of someone… liking me merely because of what I signed up to do is a little weird.” You admit, looking down at your glass of water. “Mind you, the only time I’ve hanged out with you guys outside of work is now and it’s not even everyone.” 

While to them they aren’t surprised that San had caught feelings for you, your logical approach to this somewhat surprised them. San could definitely learn a thing or two from you. 

“Question.” Seonghwa pipes up, two pairs of eyes turning to him. “So what if things happened a little differently, would you have caught feelings for him too?” 

That was admittedly a question you don’t know the answer to. The whole what if premise never entered your thoughts. “I don’t know the answer to that Seonghwa. If I did, I would’ve answered that earlier on.” 

Silence again and the three of you finish your meals. It’s only after that discussion that the boys catch you up with everything and talk with you about other things besides work. It was a nice change you had to admit from everything. “How can you even watch that movie? I had to watch that between my fingers.” The eldest whines much to the mild annoyance of his peer. 

“Cause they don’t get easily scared like you, Seonghwa.” Hongjoong returns with ease, much to your entertainment. You look at the time, and your spirit deflates at how the night has to end. 

“As much as I would like to keep this going, it’s late…” You say carefully. The boys catch your meaning and help you clean up. Bless their hearts for being the ones willing to deal with the trash of the food they bought. “Thank you for tonight. Get some sleep okay?” You bid them a good night, not heading inside until they’re out of your eyesight. The peace is short lived, as you head back inside. The apartment’s quiet again, save for the faint volume of your laptop playing music. Your thoughts though, will start to run eventually. It feels a little lonely this time, it’s been too long since you’ve had people at your place. 

--------

You’re going through social media in bed, wondering what’s new lately. You notice that there’s a new tweets about San, fear runs through your veins, preparing for the worst. When you open the topic, it’s all good words; fans from other idol groups praising him for his performance ethics, professionals from other fields praising him for his attitude and looks. Relief floods over you and you catch yourself shedding tears. You don't understand how something as small as this pushes you to tears but it does. You don't sob, instead they're quiet tears. Not because you didn't want your neighbors or anyone to hear you, you just didn't have the strength to sob.  You’re just tired from everything. 

Maybe that extra day will help you. You hope it will. Hopefully, things get better soon.

Part 6

[rurifangirl]

chile, could ya explain the magic system in yo oc world more? im kinda confused w how it works👁👄👁

Oh boy, here we go bitches.

So as an intro to this, I said bout last oc post in Qiran's part that their fam was full of mages n shit, but also some of em weren't, n since they do have magic istelf Imma do more parts (3 parts)

First part- how does It all work (Humans/Mages)

First of all, not all of em have a connection with magic, for example Evelyn doesn't at all while Lyva does but only through a magical item so It doesn't really count.

Other then that, if you're born you can either be born with some kind of magic, or simply not. It all depends from your family's lineage, for example If you come from a family of mainly rougues it's hard to get some kind of magical power, while if your parents have both some kind of power or even if it's only one of em, it's more likely you'll end up with something really similar, or a mixture of the two. (In case both of your parents have magical powers of any sort.)

It also depends on where you're living, for example If you'd be born from a cold place it's unlikely ya'd have magma magic rather than snow magic.

Between humans/mages the system Is kinda the same, but that does change for Hybrids/Demi gods/anything that isn't born between the same species.

Between humans/mages it's more of how their ancestors managed to treat its powers, as some got even destroyed for not being worthy of its usage, so If anything at this point and time they're lucky about getting somethin.

Mages are far more cautious about It, having both a lot of hidden knowlege about spells or even origins of some types of magic, though that being the most "common" ones, (for example fire, water ect.), because it's not only them of course, there's far more variants and all are different from eachother.

They can also get stronger by the worshipping of certain gods, which I don't think I will really talk about, at least in this post. (And also because they're still a wip of mine)

But the gang until now really never relied on any of them, or at least Lyva/Rui n Naexi never really did, while the others absolutely did. This Is also why I will do another post as a sorta of a part 2.

Anyways back on topic, most people in all parts of my oc world aren't used to worshipping anymore, or at least a great part of It, mainly because of a loss of knowlege about anything about them.

It's kind of taboo even mentioning most gods names, as they fear something will go wrong if they would (*ahem*being suspicious n allarmin the cult*AHEM*). In fact it's hard to get on most religions because the only remains of It are extremely either hidden, or destroyed in the meanwhile.

I wanna say that another reason because the worshipping stopped Is also because of Rui's cult. Yes, remember that?

It's gonna be talked about on its own post, but let's just say that for them, it's a safe way to restrain anyone knowing far too much about how everything works.

They're the only ones owning most stuff about different coltures to avoid having them against their side,

If there's no worshippers, no knowlege, n more weak magic because people don't strengthen them, who's gonna go against em? (It'll turn out to be the shittiest idea they've ever had but that really did work for the longest time.)

Oh I think i forgot to mention this, but since magic goes lineage to lineage, It also weakenens as generations pass by, as THAT'S the reason they absolutely need those texts.

That's also the reason most humans struggle w keepin magic. Mages can manage, though it's a small portion, since sometimes not even what they've learned over generations works anymore.

Second part- how does It all work (Hybrids/Demi gods n stuff)

Oh boy, so, I'm also gonna use Shou n Naexi a lot here, so bear w me. As I said earlier, it's different from em, since it's not about lineage at all.

Apart that the union between different species Is both a taboo n seen as something "ashaming",so even if they had a child It was more likely they'd Hide It or leave It behind. So it's already a really, god-awful situation for them.

The magic works kinda randomly, in the sense that since the hybrid's nature is seen as unstable to begin w, there's no real critere to handle how the child born Is gonna turn out to be.

Sometimes it's really hard to notice, having yeah some features but can be hidden really easly, but other times Is just, a real mess between the two species, n the magic Is also uncontrollable, especially during their first years of life.

For example, in Shou's case he used to really switch a lot between em, that being the reason he later on prefers not to switch, n havin to learn as soon as possible how to learn how his magic n form would work w It, having again a lot of preassure comin from people he knew.

This Is unfortunatly a really common situation between most hybrids. And there's also no choise.

If you as an hybrid can control magic w/o anything to rely on then you can live, while if you cannot do It, it's a matter of time before you'd get zoned out by everyone and everything.

This Is a big issue, other than having everything fucked by the cult but that's another story.

Aight now bout demi-gods, they're also really not seen well. Most of them prefer not to interact at all with anything that Is not godly related, and in fact, most of em even refused to adknowledge their mortal parent, since they all have resentment over the sudden disappereance of all belivers.

If anything Naexi Is a weird one at that, as they did have a suddent interest in humans and ungodly creatures, though still recognized about how cruel any of them could've been, especially she's a demi-god and has a bad reputation at that.

The magic system Is relatively simple, they just get a certain amount of power from their god parent and are actually pretty capable of controlling them in confront of Hybrids.

That mainly comes from a special connection w their god parent's power, so in theory they're sort of devoted to them.

I wanna expand this when I'll do the gods post n finnaly introduce some of em (And potentially Naexi's mother👀), so I'll not go beyond this atm.

Third part- Magical items/weapons

Aight onto another important part, which Is basically how tf would that work. We have that comin from Qiran's sword n Lyva's earrings, so they'll also be later on disscussed bout.

Even though it's a tough and long procedure, you can transport some of your own magic onto somethin as ordinary as an hat or as sharp as a dagger.

This Is being mainly used in emergency situations, as that energy can eventually be re-used later on by its user.

The user can be changed as long as there's a deal between both parties, whether that being a gift, buying It, or anythin up to them really.

It can also be a great way to hide mage's power, since there are some parts where they arent exactly that respected, so they could blend in with normal humans.

In fact, Qiran does that continiously thanks to their sword, daggers and other lil weapons, and they keep a big part of It there, to seem rather a normal knight/adventurer rather than havin somethin supernatural goin on.

They have a great holdo it since their father did make them learn to fulfill their request to be freerly goin round.

With Lyva it's not really different, even if she kinda stole It n there wasn't really a deal at that moment, but before runnin away from everyone n everything she convinced her mother to give her something that she could use to defend herself, since they were never around and when they were, they would've kinda avoided her.

Oh, and to add this, you could also curse an item. It's a way to mainly punish since ,well, it's a curse,

and makes the user either completely obsessed with the object itself or makin them do somethin w/o any type of consent, whether physical or emotional.

In some cases It can also be a torture tool. Though, as some recent stuff happened, they're somewhat hard to find.

If you still have somethin unclear lemme know cuz idk If I covered everythin or if somethin ain't clear enough😭

Tags undercut:

@a-chaotic-dumbass @spoopy-fish-writes @dopesaladlady @damnfoxx @audre-falrose @nadi-117

(If you want your tag removed/added either dm me/go in the ask thing or do the tag thingy in the pinned comment‼️)

[alexlabhont]

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

Chapter ten

Book: Queen B - Choices (Universe)

Pairing:  Poppy Min-Sinclair x Trans!Male MC (Beck Hughes)

Genre: Canon re-write (Because I can)

Rating: Anyone can read it, really

Tags: @dopeyouth @theymakemegayer @save-me-the-last-dance @poppysmc (If anyone want to be tagged in or removed, just tell me)

This is me trying to write by and for the Trans community, specially FTM community, meaning, trans guys, but I actually took the liberty to use They/them pronouns for everyone out there who´s interested (Also, the name Beck was the most neutral one I could find, trying to use the cannon Bea Hughes)

If you have any comment, PLEASE BE RESPECTFULL and patient with me. This is also my first english fanfic and english is not my mother language, so… i’m sorry fo the grammar errors. I also installed recently Grammary, so… hope its worth it.

CHAPTERS

Chapter nine

ONE-SHOTS

Just a dance (Zoey x MC)

——————————————————————

Poppy:

See you then, tushi face 😉

She wrote on her phone, knowing very well what It meant: She succeeded. Again.

That was the very first time Beck had actually asked her out, which was a sign that every single move worked just right; nothing to be surprised though, she was pretty damn fabulous and she wouldn't pretend otherwise. 

"It took you a while, actually." Veronica said later that day when Poppy reached out to their friends at the fraternity house. "Nor even Carter gave you so much trouble."

"Carter is just an immature boy who thought a pretty girl plus a gigantic football player were just meant to be." The blonde responded with a snap. "Beck's slightly different, they didn't care for a face. The trick is to be yourself, but not too much. It took me a while to figure that out, but now that I get it, that one is mine to be borrowed." A strange feeling of satisfaction filled her, making her smile at that thought.

"But... have you guys fuck?" Chloe asked suddenly with a confused gaze, Poppy couldn't help but roll her eyes as hard as she could while she felt how both of her friends were watching her, gosh, even Veronica left the phone aside just for that question.

"What the hell, Chloe? Not everything's about sex, you whore." 

"Are you serious?" She heard her brunette friend said, intrigued. Poppy could smell the problems that what she just said was about to bring. There it was one simple rule: If Poppy wants it, Poppy has it, and it has been like this since ever. So yeah, that matter was definitely weird. "Why? Don't you tell me you're too afraid to do it."

"Of course not!" She said angrily. "I did my research, and fucking Beck’s no different from any other experience I've had. I think it is them who's not ready..." A tiny hint of concern showed up in Poppy's voice without helping it. Of course she noticed it! The relief coming from their eyes when Zoey walked into both of them, as if they were scared, and being caught in the middle was a much better option than to actually do it. She was so offended by it that she told them she had something to do and disappeared from there.

"I think it might have something to do with their life back at Farmsville. I don't know what it is, but if I get to sleep with them, I know I'd have won. That's the next step." Poppy said, taking a ballpen from her desk to write down her new goal, she was that kind of girl who loved to put her ideas on paper to think them through. 

"So… You're counting on gain their trust enough to fuck them to finally control them?" Veronica pointed out, looking at Poppy as if she was a mad.

"Exactly… And all I need is tomorrow morning. It needs to be perfect and I have just the thing for it." a smirk showed off on her face, the determination of winning was written down on every single muscle of her body.

“Don’t you think you’re putting a lot more effort into it than it’s needed?” Chloe asked again.

“Mind your own business and let me do the planning, Chloe. After all, we know you forgot to pay your brain bill.” 

The bitch-y mode was on. She hated when she was being questioned about her actions especially when Poppy knew that everything she has been doing was necessary to achieve a goal; her enemy was powerful, she just had to see the rankings to realize it, Beck climbed as easy as the wind, doing things in this short time than a lot of people couldn’t do in years being here and they didn’t seem as trying. She needed to have them next to her for control.

Or at least, that's what she was telling herself. Something deep down her core murmured something else, something that might be too scary to admit, so she won’t. Never. However, that went down to the trash when she saw Beck the next day. It wasn’t their looks at all, actually, it was on point as always even though it was casual; the problem was her. Poppy could feel her heart becoming warm to the sight of that stupid lamb look of theirs with that sexy yet cute fucking smile they gave her. A little red alarm sounded in her head, but it wasn’t that big of a deal, so she shoved it down.

"Hey" Beck greeted her. "You made it."

"Of course I did, I have a driver for my needs. What are we doing here?" 

Beck asked her to meet them at Whitehall street at nine sharp, but they didn't tell her what to expect, so Poppy was rather curious. Beck put his hands in his pockets, raising an eyebrow playfully.

"Yeah, sure… You have money and stuff, but… have you ever seen the Statue of Liberty from a helicopter?" Poppy's eyes went wide open, she was frankly surprised, how did they manage to get that? Wasn't Beck poor? It had to do with their YouTube account?

"No." She managed to say, trying not to sound so amazed; that was a pretty impressive idea, not going to lie.

"Well— Today is not the day you'd get to do it, because we're taking the ferry." Gosh, she should have seen this coming.

"You're such an idiot." She pointed, irritated by having been fooled like that. "Wait, what ferry are we taking?"

"That one." The strawberry blond could have sworn a mischievous spark lighted up Beck's eyes as they pointed at an awful orange ship coming to shore, that ferry looked so old that maybe it saw her grandmother born and grow.

"What?! There is no way in hell I'll be onto that thing."

"Oh, come on, Popps. Don't talk about it like that. The Staten Island Ferry is full of a butch of history on its own. It's the door to new experiences!"

"Like death?"

"It's totally safe." Beck replied chuckling. "And free."

"Whatever you say, I'm going home." She tried to go, but Beck's hand took her by the arm with a delicate touch.

"Give us a chance, just one chance —well, maybe two actually— but I promise you won't regret it."

Poppy turned to see them, still not sure about any of it. She had never been on that ferry, and she didn't care too much about it anyway when the destination was Staten Island. She didn't know what was their motivation to go to the most boring part of all New York, but that fucking face of theirs! Sometimes she wished they weren't that good-looking.

"I swear to God, Beck if something happens to me or my outfit I'll kill you and your entire music career."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Cruella."

They waited for a few minutes to get on the ferry, but once both were there, Poppy couldn't help but cling herself to Beck's arm. Truth be told, she hated boats. A lot. Once when she was a kid she fell from one of those little keels into the lake, and when she tried to come out, Poppy discovered that the boat was right above her head. She literally had nightmares about that day, especially on rainy days. With the time Poppy got to overcome that fear and now she loved to be invited to yacht parties —with the rightful security system, clearly—, but that ferry was ancient for god knows how many decades, and it being free was a bad forerunner to her, how many drowned people were behind all its story?

She jumped when the ferry started to move into the waters, the surprise was so much that her nails dug their way into Beck's clothes, reaching for the skin.

"Ouch! That fucking hurts!" 

"Good." 

Beck didn't say a thing after that, they were more focused on the shore as if they were waiting for something to happen back there. Then, after a while they smiled.

"Now that's a view." They said with a wide grin on their face. "Turn around." Poppy, who was too busy looking at the Upper Bay and thinking how awful would be to fall from there, suddenly found herself being turned over by Beck to the other side of the ship. 

And what she saw was spectacular.

Maybe it wasn't from a helicopter at all, but getting to see that part of the Statue of Liberty going far and far away from them both was incredible, a breathtaking picture that she had never appreciated until that day. Unexpectedly that made her think about how much she was missing even after living in New York a while now: The smell of the ocean, the sea breeze hitting softly in her face, the sun illuminated the statue and the clouds behind it. It was like a painting coming out alive.

"It's beautiful…" she whispered without her noticing it until it was outside her mouth.

"Definitely it is…" Poppy heard Beck mumbled, so she looked at them almost immediately. Maybe it was one of those moments in movies where Beck would talk about her and not exactly the panorama, but no. Beck's eyes were glued to the sculpture. For a moment she felt disappointed, but then she caught a glimpse of blush into their cheeks and tension in their lips proving her that she wasn't wrong. Yes, definitely they were talking about her.

"I know it doesn't look as fancy as the other ferries, but… this is why it's worth the while. And I have to admit that watching it with you was so much better than doing it alone, so... thank you."

“Why?"

"For trusting in me." They said. Poppy stopped a little, thinking through those words. 

"I guess I like you more than I thought." She then replied. The weird thing? The blonde actually meant what she said. But that didn’t mean anything, Beck was not as lame as she thought, no big deal, right?

Both spent a while like that, quiet but freely relaxed, looking at what the ocean had to offer. She didn't recall the exact moment when she started to do it, but at one point she laid down her head, resting it on Beck's shoulder while they hugged by the waist, it was as if in that exact moment nothing else mattered; she didn’t have to think about her obligations, about popularity, about pretending . The ride was about twenty-five minutes long but for some reason, they went very fast. She almost was disappointed when it came to an end until she remembered there was only one way back.

“So now what? We wait for the next ferry?”

Beck raised an eyebrow.

"Do you really think we came all the way here because of one ride?"

"Beck, is Staten Island. What else could you do?" 

"Damn, Poppy. I'm starting to think you're too boring on your own." Beck teased

" What if you stop saying bullshit and tell me what do you have planned from now on instead?" Beck smiled as if they were waiting for that question.

"Come with and find out." That cursed smirk of theirs came as a challenge, while Beck started to walk towards the bus stop.

God, this was going to be terrible.

________

Next

[starrynite7114]

Anesthesia: II

A/N: I couldn’t get the idea out of my head, I just have to make a sequel for Anesthesia, so as promised, here it is! I’ll be working on the sequel for Drabble 5 this weekend once my final is done. Thank you again for the overwhelming respond to Anesthesia, I didn’t think it was going to be that well received. Love you all!

Masterlist

tagged: @iambabyharry​ ; @justahopelessssromantic​ ; @marvelmaree​ ; @briannab1234​ ; @carlaangel86​

Waiting for Angel’s surgery to finish was the worst feeling. You knew it was a low risk surgery, but whenever Angel was in harm’s way it made you nervous. You’ve almost lost him one too many times. EZ sat beside you, just browsing through a magazine. 

“Are you not worried?” You looked over at EZ.

“My brother has been through the worst, it’s routine surgery.” EZ shrugged. “I don’t think you can get rid of Angel now, but if you would like to do so, then I can totally help with that along with every member of the MC.”

“Shut up,” you pushed his shoulder, making EZ laugh.

“Mrs. Reyes? Your husband is out of surgery,” you heard the nurse inform you.

You grabbed your purse, EZ getting up with you. The two of you greeted Angel at the room number the nurse provided.

EZ opened the door for you, and you two found Angel looking around the room in awe.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” You asked as you pulled up a chair beside his bed. 

“Good, you're too fine to be a nurse, but if you’re my nurse, then I don’t mind. ” Angel commented making you laugh as this was a side effect of anesthesia that you’ve experienced with Angel before. Last time he asked if he could have your number and it was quite an interesting conversation. 

“Are you videoing this?” you whispered to EZ.

“Way ahead of you.” EZ has also experienced this before, and he always regretted not being able to record it, now was his opportunity. Embarrassing videos were always so fun to have in your arsenal.

“The fuck are you doing?” Angel glared at EZ. “Are you EZ’s wife?”

You scrunched your nose at his suggestion. “Eww, disgusting, I’m your wife.”

“You’re my wife?” Angel gasped. “My wife, oh fuck. Good job Angel.” He weakly clapped for himself.

You and EZ laughed at his reaction. 

“Baby, the doctor said we’re gonna have to stay for a few hours just to make sure you’re doing good.”

“As long as you stay with me, I’ll be good.” He smiles brightly and you just had to laugh. Angel was such a big teddy bear, at least with you and your son. 

“You don’t want me here?” EZ teased.

“Don’t really fucking care.” Angel’s eyes remained on you. “So, since you’re my wife I’m pretty sure we’ve consummated our marriage.”

You laughed at Angel. Last time this happened, Angel had his wisdom teeth removed and he was just an absolute riot. Then once the anesthesia was out of his system, needy Angel came out, which was adorable, but absolutely annoying. 

“Well, we have one kid and another on the way, so we definitely did consummate the marriage.”

“We have two kids?” His eyes dropped to your stomach. Your bump wasn’t too big yet, but it was definitely there. “Are we having a boy? I don’t want a boy, are we having a girl?”

“You said you didn’t want to find out, so it’s a surprise.”

“Fuck that, let’s find out right now.”

“Baby, let’s not get excited. It’s fine, we’ll talk about this once the medicine wears off.”

“What medicine?”

You and EZ tried your best not to laugh at Angel, but he was just so funny whenever he was put under anesthesia. 

“Can I touch your belly?” Angel was already reaching towards you.

You stood up and let him place his hand over your belly and he caressed it, tears welling up his eyes. “Hi mama’s I know you’re going to be a girl and I love you already. Even if you’re a boy, don’t be a little shit like me.”

Angel loved talking to your belly. He called your bundle of joy peanut. Him and your son always spoke to your belly as if the baby was already here. It was the cutest thing and it just made your heart swell.

“How do we only have two kids?” Angel laid back then, as you sat back down. “We should have a basketball team baby, we’re good looking as fuck and we need to share the wealth.”

EZ rolled his eyes while you laughed.

“It’s like his ego grows ten folds whenever he’s under.” EZ shook his head.

“Shut up, you’re just jealous that my wife is the most beautiful woman in this world.” He looked at you again and held his hand in prayer, thanking the lord. “I fucking won the lottery.”

“Yes you did,” you nodded your head in agreement. “But so did I.”

“You sure you’re my wife, you’re too fucking good looking.”

“And you think EZ is a much better fit?”

“Naw, if you're too good for me, then you’re definitely not a fit for him.”

You laughed while EZ just rolled his eyes.

“For your information, my wife is pretty good looking too.” EZ scoffed. 

“Megan is beautiful.” You nodded your head in agreement.

“Who the fuck would marry you?”

“I can ask you the same question, ass.”

Angel flipped him off. No matter what state they were both in, these two always bickered and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You looked over at EZ as you both heard Angel calling your name. You three have been home for three hours and the pain medication has waned off. And now, Angel was driving both you and EZ crazy. 

“You go to him now.” You pushed EZ towards your bedroom door. 

“Fuck that, you married him, that was a personal choice.” EZ held on to the doorframe of the closed door. You knew he was letting you push him, but still, Angel was driving you nuts. All you wanted to do was take a nap, you haven’t been sleeping well, especially last night when Angel woke you up since he was in extreme pain. He could over exaggerate at times, but Angel did not look well last night.

“He’s your brother.”

“Not by choice.”

“Okay, rock, paper, scissors, whoever loses goes to see what he wants.” It’s not that you didn’t love Angel, but there was nothing you could physically do to make the pain go away. The pain medication was going to be ready in an hour and you were going to pick it up, but you didn’t know if you or EZ would survive that long. You were being dramatic, you truly did love Angel.

“You fucking serious right now? That’s your husband, it’s literally part of your vows to be there for him.” EZ chuckled. He knew you didn’t mean anything by it, but it was still funny that even you had your limits with Angel. “I’ll go.”

“You’re the best brother in law, ever.”

“I’m your only one.”

“Can you just take a compliment?”

“Yeah, yeah,” EZ went inside the room and not a few moments later, he went back out. He was muttering under his breath, shaking his head.

“You can’t just go in and out, you didn’t even help him.”

“He threw a pillow at me and requested for you.” EZ narrowed his eyes at her. “Can you just bring him everything, he’s whiny and more annoying than usual I didn’t even think that’s possible.”

“Do you want me to be in distress? Angel is going to drive me up the wall.”

“Again, you married him, it’s literally what you signed up for.”

“You’re right. He always takes care of me.” You haven’t been sleeping well due to Angel since he’s been out doing club business more often than normal. It was driving you up the wall, but he argued he had to work more to make more money for your family. You walked in and found Angel curled up in bed, holding your body pillow.

“Baby, why do you keep sending Ezekiel, you don’t love me no more? I just want to hold you.” For a biker, it always surprised you how much of a teddy bear Angel could truly be.

“Sorry babe, I’m just a little tired.”

“What’s wrong amor?” And just like that your husband forgot his pain and opened his arms. 

You crawled up to him and let him envelop you in his embrace. You were careful to not touch the area where he had his surgery done. He tucked a strand of her behind your ear and kissed your forehead.

“Is my little mama keeping you up?” Angel touched your stomach then, softly caressing it.

“Angel, we don’t know if peanut is a girl or a boy.”

“Peanut is a girl, I can feel it.” Angel really wanted a girl. You two already had a boy, and if this happened to be the last child you two could have, he wanted a girl. It’s not that he didn’t want anymore kids with you, he knew that with every pregnancy, it became much more dangerous for you to deliver the baby. He couldn’t lose you. “What’s keeping you up?”

“You are.” You sighed. “I know you don’t mean it, but I have a hard time sleeping when you’re not here.”

“Your anxiety, I know.” Angel was in pain, but he hates that you stay up when you should be getting as much rest as you can. “I’m sorry baby, just gotta make more money for our family.”

“Babe, I work too you know.”

  “I know, but that doesn’t mean I want you working more. You know you’re a high risk pregnancy, we gotta make sure you don’t exert yourself.” You were basically ordered by your OBGYN to refrain from any extraneous activities. No heavy lifting, stressful situations and such. You were almost at your six month mark and you really want to get there. Miscarriages definitely did a number on you and you didn’t want another one, not this far along. 

“I’m not an invalid either.”

“I’m not arguing with you, I’m in pain.” Angel pouted. 

“My poor baby,” you kissed the tip of his nose. “What can I do to help you feel better?”

“Just stay here with me.”

“Always.” You carefully wrapped your arms around Angel, making sure he doesn���t get hurt.

“Baby,” Angel broke the silence that enveloped you two for a few minutes. 

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

You slightly pulled away from him, placing a kiss on his lips. “I love you too.” 

[star-spangledstud]

ROAD TRIP

Pairing: Steve Rogers x (female!) reader

Summary: You take the boys on a road trip. Steve has a big surprise.

Warning(s): fluff, an overload of sappy goodness and a snoring Bucky. 

Word count: 3700-ish. 

Just as the sun reaches its peak and the wind sends humid blasts of air through the air-conditioning system, Steve glances in his rear-view mirror for the fifth time in three hours. From a distance, he can barely make out the car that trails behind him along the highway. The shiny black vehicle behind his is surrounded in a cloud of sand much similar to the one that follows his own car, and slightly obscures his view. 

Even though he can hardly make out more than the outline of Sam’s car, his eyes are perfectly capable of inspecting and basking in the glorious view ahead of him. For hours it’s been nothing but sandy panes and distant canyons stretched across the horizon along the mostly deserted highway. It’s an incredible contrast to the busy streets of Brooklyn he’s so used to seeing and for the first time in months, he finds himself able to relax without having to think about missions and lurking alien threats.

He knows it was your idea to take the cross-country road trip with just the four of you, and the only reason why he even agreed to tag along in the first place was exactly that. Steve doesn’t think of himself as a particularly good driver, but with the roads mostly deserted and his best friend right beside him, he feels mostly chilled out, excited even, and he’s glad he came, because the scenery would have been lost on him if he hadn’t.

Speaking of best friends, Bucky is snoring so loud in the passenger’s seat his voice almost completely overtakes the sound of the mellow tones of Mac Demarco’s voice on the radio. Bucky has been fast asleep all morning, and even with the sun shining directly through the halfway opened window and onto his face, he looks extremely peaceful. A tad uncomfortable perhaps in his current position but peaceful, nonetheless. To this day, seeing his best friend content brings a feeling of happiness to Steve’s insides that he can’t quite put his finger on. It brings him a sense of relief that he’d been searching for years.

Even though Steve can barely hear the radio, he does hear the honking coming from behind him seconds after passing by an exit sign. He quickly glances in the mirror again and is immediately greeted with flashing headlights that shine bright, white light into his eyes. He signals back by flashing his taillights a few times in a row, and contemplates whether he should wake Bucky up now or let him sleep until they get off the road, but decides not to wake him until he pulls off the highway into a mostly abandoned parking lot that overlooks a field of cacti and dried grass blinking in the sun.

“Hey sleeping beauty,” Steve says with a cheeky smile while he nudges him gently, “bathroom break.”

Bucky groans and extends his arms above his head, his eyes falling on the gas station in front of the car. He watches an elderly gentleman entering the gas station wearing a cowboy hat and leather boots and rolls his eyes while he opens his door.

He steps out of the car and makes a straight line for the bathrooms, leaving Steve standing with his arm leaning against the burning rooftop of the shiny black vehicle as he waits for you and Sam. Apparently, Bucky is not a morning person, even though it’s technically already way past noon, and hopes his friend gets a coffee before getting back in the car.

Steve smiles brightly when you exit the passenger side, and his smile grows even bigger when you offer him a wave after stretching out your limbs. Sam locks the car and follows you over to where Steve is standing, the two of your engrossed in a discussion about which flavor of Ben & Jerry’s tastes better. Both of your sandal-clad feet drag across the sandy road, gravel rolling beneath your toes and bouncing off into the sea of sand like flying fish while you’re busy trying to convince Sam Chunky Monkey is an awful first choice. Cookie dough is clearly the best flavor.

“Pee break,” you explain when you fall in line with Steve’s step, “Where’s Buck?”

“Pee break. He beat you to the punch,” Steve says, grinning as he watches you enter the shade.

“She had four bottles of water,” Sam explains when you walk ahead of the guys, “your girl is thirsty as hell, my friend.”

He pulls down his sunglasses and winks at Steve, but Steve doesn’t reply. He punches his friend in the arm instead and begins to follow after you as he raises his middle finger in Sam’s general direction. 

He waits for you to finish going to the bathroom by the snack isle, and proceeds to watch you in amusement as you pick out two bags of sour candy and a bag of salt and vinegar chips from the spinning rack. Sam and Bucky are outside pumping gas while the two of you scour the isles of the gas station, picking up bottles of cold water, a watermelon Slurpee for you and more snacks along the way.

Steve takes in your appearance when you take a stand next to him in line. Your skin is glowing, highlighted cheekbones flashing brightly in his direction when you turn your head the other way. The Slurpee you’re sipping on tints your lips a soft shade of red, and your eyes sparkle when you meet his longing gaze.

“You tired of driving yet?” you ask as the two of you get in line for check out.

Steve drapes a heavy, glistening arm over your shoulder and kisses the top of your head. His lips, soft and warm against your skin, still give you goosebumps every time they come in contact with you.

“I wanna ride with you next,” you mumble when he kisses your lips, batting your lashes at him in a way you know he can’t resist. 

It was your idea to ride with Sam in the first place, claiming you wanted to get to know him better while simultaneously allowing Steve and Bucky some quality best friend time. Of course you didn’t know Bucky would be out like a light the entire drive, and you secretly missed the company of your boyfriend already. You couldn’t be happier when he agreed to take the trip with you, and so far it’s exceeded all your expectations and then some. Hell, even Bucky looks like he’s enjoying himself.

“How long before we get to the motel?” He asks when you place everything in your arms on the counter.

“Three hours or so,” you say after greeting the cashier, “there’s a diner on the same street where we can eat.” 

“Hmm,” he kisses your cheek and whips out his credit card before you find yours in your cross-body bag, “my girl’s done her research.” 

“Of course,” you beam when the cashier hands you the bags, “it was my idea after all.” 

Sam gladly trades you for Bucky. According to him, the Ben & Jerry’s discussion brought a cliff between your relationship that can’t possibly be fixed, and he needs time away from you to think about the future of your companionship. You laugh and flip him off as you gather your belongings from the backseat of his car, and skip happily to Steve, who’s leaning against the trunk while he waits for you.

“Forgot my sunglasses,” you say between pecks, “I’ll go get them real quick.” 

But he grabs a hold of your arm before you can turn around and from his back pocket appears a pair of black Ray-Bans. He gently pushes them onto your nose, and ten minutes later, the four of you are back on the road. 

The motel you booked earlier that morning - talk about last minute - is located in an old mining town on the edge of the desert. From the window of the room you share with Steve, you can see the bright neon sign flashing against a background of tumbleweeds and cacti illuminated by the undergoing sun. You plop down onto the king bed, hand rubbing your stomach after the heavy meal the four of you just shared while Steve grabs your overnight bags from the trunk of the car. 

“Come here,” you whine with outstretched grabby hands when he finally shuts the door behind him.

He chuckles, but follows your command, getting on the bed until he’s hovering over your body, warm breath scented like vanilla milkshake fanning across your face.

“Thank you,” you say sweetly, “for coming with me.” 

“Of course,” he says, “I wanted to come and so did the guys. You reminded us how important it is to take time off, even with our jobs.” 

You were terrified of the thought of dating an Avenger when you first met Steve in your local coffee shop in Brooklyn. You’d seen them on the news plenty of times of course, but had never come face to face with one of the mighty heroes until then. The two of you hit it off right away, and it didn’t take him very long to ask you to be his girlfriend. You remember the day like it was yesterday, and remember even more vividly how scared you were before meeting the rest of the team for the first time. 

It was your idea to take the road trip, because you wanted to get closer to the people who Steve trusted with his life. You liked all of them and wanted everyone to come along, but sadly not everyone on the team could get vacation time simultaneously, so instead of bringing the whole gang along, it was just the four of you. You’d been driving for two days straight now, and so far everything had gone smoothly. 

You’ve grown to love Sam, because the two of you can just bicker about absolutely nothing for hours on end, and you share the same dry, sarcastic humor. Bucky was harder to read in the beginning, but after seeing you and Steve together, he’s grown to love you like a sister, and you him like a brother just the same. 

“I know how much you love your job,” you say, “I just don’t want you to think I’m trying to rip you away from it.” 

He shakes his head, “of course not, baby. Like I said, I wanted to come. I enjoy spending time with you, and I can’t wait to spend two weeks with you and my best friends in a cabin by a beautiful lake.” 

“I hope you know I’m going to push you in the water,” you smile. 

“Baby,” he snorts, “do you really think you can move me even an inch? I’m the mighty Captain America.” 

“You may be Captain America, but I’ll catch you off guard and have you soaked in no-time.” 

He kisses you deeply, savoring the sweet taste of your cherry Chap-stick and the scent of your vanilla body splash. Then, he gets up from the bed, taking your arms and pulling you up with him. 

“What are you doing?” you ask, frowning when he slips on his sneakers. 

“We’re going for a walk,” he explains, “come on.” 

You follow him outside, enjoying the lingering heat on your bare arms when the two of you walk around the premises of the motel. He grabs your hand and holds it, thumb rubbing gentle circles over your skin that leave you feeling warm from the inside as well. The two of you are silent when you walk, the only sound audible being the gravel beneath your feet and the occasional car driving along the road behind you.

An hour later, you return to your room and within minutes of your heads hitting the pillows, both of you are knocked out cold.

The cabin you rented for two weeks is even more beautiful in person than in the pictures you found of it online. It’s the perfect mixture of modernistic architecture with classic log cabin vibes, which are created by the wooden log exterior and glass panels that give a perfect living room view out onto the glistening lake. Inside, the interior is eclectic, futuristic furniture with deer heads mounted to the walls. You and Steve share the master bedroom upstairs, while Bucky and Sam each have their own room on the ground floor. There’s a fireplace in the living space that is connected to the kitchen, which you immediately begin to fill with the groceries you picked up shortly before your arrival. 

Remembering you have to feed three hungry men who eat like bears, you immediately start dinner while the three of them explore the surrounding area. Sam is particularly excited about renting a boat, and you’re not opposed to spending some time out on the water yourself. You decide to make something simple, pasta Alfredo, and make sure to place a handful of beers in the freezer to chill while you cook. Steve and Bucky may not be able to get drunk, but they can still enjoy a cold one. 

After dinner, Bucky and Sam disappear again for another walk with just the two of them, and when you voice your concerns regarding them getting lost in the woods, they - including Steve - have no trouble reminding you of their Avenger status. You’re embarrassed for a moment, until Steve kisses your cheek and the guys apologize to you. The grins never leave their faces, though. 

“Those two are awfully happy to spend time together,” you mention while washing the dishes, “I feel a bromance blossoming right before us.” 

“I’ll pretend to know what a bromance is and agree with you,” Steve places a dried plate back inside the cabinet, “I love you.” 

You smile, cheeks heating when he squeezes your side with his fingers before kissing you softly on the lips. You marvel at him, amazed with how much of a perfect boyfriend he is, and kiss him twice more before the sound of running water brings you back down from the cloud you’re doing cartwheels on. 

“I like your dress,” he says, “it’s very pretty.”

“Of course you like it,” you state, “I wore it for you.” 

Steve drops the towel in his hands onto the counter and moved behind you. He pushes you hair to the side and his lips ghost over the bare skin of you neck, fingers playing teasingly with the spaghetti straps of your pastel pink summer dress. 

“Did you, now?” He whispers in your ear, hands caressing your bare shoulders and upper arms in a slow manner. 

You hum in response and shudder when he kisses your neck, softly sucking and biting on the exposed skin. The way he manages to instantly find just the spot you like does something funny to your heart rate and breathing every time, and just as you’re about to order him into your bedroom, the front door opens, and two laughing men stumble inside. 

Steve groans from the loss of contact, but steps away from you nonetheless, and he follows the sound of laughter into the living room while you finish doing the dishes alone. Tomorrow the two of them can do it, you think in annoyance. This is your vacation too, after all, and the person who cooks is never the one who cleans. 

Just before you enter the living room, the three men are speaking in hushed tones. You can’t make out what they’re saying, but the conversation falls silent the second you walk in and the atmosphere feels tense. You want to say something about the newfound silence, but swallow your words when Steve speaks first.

“Wanna go for a walk?” Steve asks with a twinkle in his eye when he spots you, and you nod hesitantly, eyes scanning the guys’ faces.

Your feet graze the beautiful old rug, and you lean against the bookshelf that’s stuffed with encyclopedias and classic board games like Monopoly, scrabble and Clue. There’s a painting above the door you only just noticed. It’s a replica of The Allegory of Painting by Vermeer.

“Something wrong?” You ask, afraid of work-related issues rising during your first night at the lake, but Steve waves them away when motions for you to join him after ordering the guys to finish cleaning up the kitchen space. 

it’s warm outside when you step onto the wooden porch, and the sound of fireflies and lizards hidden from view creates a smile on your face. It’s extremely peaceful and quiet, just what the guys need; an idyllic getaway from their jam packed schedules as Avengers and the fast-paced New York City lifestyle. It’s nice to see Steve this relaxed, you think when you take his hand, and you follow him down the trail that leads around the lake.

This is the Steve you fell in love with nearly two years ago now. You loved him, every part of him, but you had to admit you preferred casual Steve over his alternative persona. With you, he could be his authentic self. No fronts, no righteous facade, just Steve, with flaws and imperfections and questions about life in the 21st century that he only dared to ask you because you’d never laugh at him for not knowing how to work induction plates and FaceTime.

“This place is incredible,” he says when turning back to look at the slowly disappearing cabin. 

It is. It’s better than any of the places either of you have stayed at since you started dating. Hell, it even beats Tony’s penthouse suite and the mansion he owns in the south of Greece. He let you two stay there for your one-year anniversary. You smile when thinking back on that time. 

Usually, you wouldn’t even dream of walking around outside late at night, but you’ve never felt safer with Steve’s hand clasped tightly in yours. You want him here, and the look in his eyes he gives you every time he tries to secretly glance at you lets you know he wants to be here just as bad. Exactly that is what makes your relationship work; it’s a companionship just as much as it is a friendship. 

It’s nearly impossible for you to imagine him on the job when he’s strolling alongside you on the trail illuminated by the light of the moon, nearly impossible to imagine the brute force he’s accustomed to using on a daily basis. Steve’s not a violent man by nature, but his willpower to win a fair fight and keep the world safe from inner- and outer-worldly threats require him to use his power and strength all the time. You know it’s a part of him and it most likely always will be and you’ve accepted it, but still, having a super hero boyfriend brings baggage you only have time to think about when you’re spending quality time with him. It’s during those times that you realize how busy he actually is, and even though you don’t blame him for it, it still saddens you. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” He asks, watching you bite your lip in thought. 

You smile at him, “I’m just very happy you came.” 

“Honey,” he presses, “I already told you I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” 

“I know,” you reply, “but I also know your job is your life, and I can’t help but feel as if I’m trying to take you away from it.” 

He takes your face in his hands and bends down until his eyes meet yours, “Don’t ever say that again, you hear me? I mean it. I. Want. To. Spend. Time. With you. Too much work isn’t healthy, and I need you to tell me to stop when I go too far.” 

The two of you continue walking further along the trail, until finally, you pass between a group of tall trees. 

Your jaw drops when you reach the clearing, tears pricking the corners of your eyes when you look at what’s in front of you. A dozen torches, spread around the clearing in the shape of a heart light up the entire area. In the center, a blanket and two fluffy pillows are spread out across the grass. Beside it is a picnic basket, filled to the brim with fruits, snacks, and a bottle of expensive wine. 

“What is this?” You ask when Steve leads you closer to the blanket, “Steve! Did you put Sam and Bucky up to this?”

You walk closer towards the scene, face glowing in the orange flames, “this is amazing!” 

“Y/N,” he says, pulling on your wrist to catch your attention, “I love you, baby.” 

You look back at him just in time to see him falling to one knee, and when he shoves his hand into his back pocket to retrieve a blue velvet box, your vision blurs until you’re rapidly blinking to keep the tears at bay. 

“I’ve loved you from the first moment I met you,” he says, “you keep me grounded when my head is too far up in the clouds. You make me want to be a better man every day. You shine brighter than any light in New York City, and I want that shine to be for me, and me alone. I want you to take my name, Y/N. I’m not worthy of you, but I promise you I’ll do my best every day to try. Please let me try.” 

You’re crying, ugly crying now, and you don’t even realize you’re shaking your head until he finally speaks the words you’re dying to hear spill from his heart-shaped lips, “Marry me, baby.” 

“Yes,” you manage between cries, “of course I will!” 

The diamonds sparkle around your finger when he slips it on, and you’re hanging onto his neck for dear life the second he lets go of your hand.

“I love you, sweetheart,” he mumbles into your hair, “love you so much.” 

“I love you too Steve,” you sniffle. 

Yeah, this really is the nicest place the two of you have ever been.