#i feel woooooow this is therapy

[septimaseverina]

Okay. If I don't get these out of my chest and head, I can't work and write fan fictions properly.

Actually, this was one of my PTSD, but it has been healed for 95% It has been haunted me for almost 10 years (including 4 years in University days.).

12 years ago, I must choose what to study when I graduated from high shcool. That time, I was interesting in foreign language - out of English, Japanese and Korean (I had studied Korean for 1 year) - international relationship, Political Science, History and Fashion Designing.

I decided not to study Fashion Designing because when I registered for the entrance, the staff from that University looked at me like I'm not a person - just because I didn't come from the best and elite high schools of the country. I had carried my colours which I kept it in a bag. She said Icouldn't bring the bag into the room, while I saw other girls - who was in the 'elite-high school's uniform' - carried bags into the room without any prohibittion. I knew suddenly at that moment . If I were studying in THAT University, I must be insulted. So, I swear to everything that I'm not gonna study at THAT University for the rest of my life. Even they give me a scholarship, I'm gonna deny them.

And I finally find the University where I had graduated. I love The University so much. Even now, my spirit can be up when people mension it. Because there are true freedom and liberty, everything is just like Assassin's Creed's motto; Nothing Is True, Everything Is Permitted.

I choose Russian Studies because that time, I was recieving information about world's politic from only the USA, I wanted to know from Russia's side too, and because of my obsession in language, et voila.

Before the semester began, I had prepared myself by learning Russian's language alphabet and reading books about Russia as much as I can. But I didn't aware of the Russian grammar 'lecturer' (In my culture, we call everyone who teach us somethings 'teacher' in respecting term. But I call her lecturer until now.) and her pets.

Fisrt year, there is a rule that the students are autimatically registered in each section and each subject by their IDs. So, I met the Russian grammar lecturer and her pets, who had ruined my dreams, my studying method and approaching, my thoughts and my mental health.

The story began with I studied Russian grammar in her (the lecturer) class, and there were students, who used to be Russian exchanged student, they can read, translated and pronouced it exactly and rapidly. I would say they must be exempted from Russian 101-202. And no doubt, they became the lecturer's pets immediaetly. The worst things are the lecturer paid attention to them more than students who didn't understand the fundamental of Russian grammar. I'm in this group, so we must find our method to approach.

I, unintentionally, have found the link between Russian+Sanskrit-Pali+English and German, but I don't know what it is that time, because I didn't know about Linguistic. So, my expectation was so high, hoping she would answer my question and explain it to me.

But

She didn't. She rejected me. The moment I was asking her, there were her pet stood and asking her questions, she frowned and said the sentences which it has been still haunted me (But after this post, I promise I won't ramble.);

"Dear girl, you can't compare Russian grammar to other languages - even English - Russian language has its own syntax. You must study as it is."

And then her pets agreed with her. I still remember their words; "Yeah, dude. You can't. Russian is not similar to other langauges. Just stay in our teacher's method".

Those negative and harsh words had been haunted and wrecked my confidence on studying foreign languages, absolutely, just like insulting me (later, other Russian language's teachers tell me that there are many connection). And I was like a blinded person. I never got A in Russian language's classes. It had worn me out for eight and half year, until my best bitch returning from Russia after she had graduated in Bachelor and Master degree of Fine Arts.

I told her this story and then she tells me, even now; "That old hag doesn't read much books about Linguistic, girl. I insist, also my Russian friends that many languages have 'things' to do with Russian language. Especially with Sanskrit, because it's also derived from Proto-Indo-European too! She is so wrong and I'm sorry for you."

After that meeting, it was 4 years after the graduating, I regain my confidence on studying foreign languages, especially Spanish, Latin, French, Italian and many languages! Not only because my best bitch's pep talk, Sanskrit learning and Sanskrit lituratures's group in Facebook opens and expanding the world of linguistic. Many members post about connection about many languages and Sanskrit. Everytime I ask them, if I understand this and that right or wrong, they never say any harsh word! They explain them to me and helping me with their whole hearts.

So, finally, I could get out of that blackhole. But it triggers because of my current work, and the internal politics is the fuse.

I'm gonna leave all misery and sadness right here. I promise to myself that I'm not gonna let any mortal soul destroys any of my positive vibe again. I thought I would write some book about connectioin between Russian language and Sanskrit, to indirectly slap that old hag. But now I be like, nahhhhhh let her be. My younger friend from Russian Studies tells me that the major is in crisis. So I think it's Karma. Because one of the teachers has wrecked many students' dreams and chances, including me. I can safely say, this is the paid back.

Am I gonna revisiting Russian Language again? Maybe. I'm still enjoyed Sanskrit, Latin and Ancient Greek hehehehehehehe

[crayonurchin]

I don’t regret what I did last night but woooooow my OCD this morning is just... Extremely sensitive.

I suppose its good to feel the coping techniques I've learned actually doing their job, managed to avoid a huge panic this morning and tomorrow in therapy I’ll defiantly bring this all up

But... idk I think I just wanted to let the void know today is probably gonna be a rough one to navigate 

[159potterhead]

I hope it boosted serotonin <3<3 Everytime you say hibernation I assume you have a cave like something to hide and go to sleep where you can cut yourself off from the world. I hope your appointment goes well ✨✨ (that's good! take your time off)

Let me think about more rules🤔🤔 okay, so, we can start with basics, you know there's this thing, I hope you've heard about it; bros before hoes, so I'm thinking for clowns it should be something like this but I can't settle on one thing so I'll put here all the options and you can help me out or any of your followers who's reading this and has a better idea can also chime in.

Clowns before towns (we can use hometown and clown before gown but this doesn't makes sense or Clown before Crown. Idk these all rhymes you can also put any other word which makes sense in the sentence)

No. I love you more!!💖✨💕😘

I need to think about this more, it's like a deep question and idk the type of answer you're looking but for but for now I'll answer with this thing my mind went straight to when I read the question; I like looking at the moon, it gives me this whole different kind of feelings yk and I think people should appreciate it more. I have read this quote long long back somewhere and it's still stuck with me, now, I don't remember the exact words but it goes like this; if you ever feel lonely just look up at the moon because someone out there in the world is also staring at the moon at exactly the same time.(That feels a little comforting to me and I wish more people knew that so I'm sharing this here)

(This quote is something different which boosts my thought process more and call me sappy but everytime I look at the moon I get lost thinking if the theory of multiverse is ture than there are plenty of galaxies out there and someone in that galaxy on some random planet might also be staring at the sky and they might be looking at me so that also amazes me a lot.) I would also love to know your take on this question. It's pretty great question where do you even find these??

It's been ages since I watched sunrise (it's been 6 years I think🤔) I can only imagine how beautiful it was. You describing the sunrise reminds of this scene in my fic where Dean and Cas are sitting on the patio early morning and watching sunrise. (Oh! God! This song! I searched your lyrics on Google to find the name and then I was listening to it on Spotify and I was like I've heard this before. Then I went on yt and I found out it was played in the office. Thanks again for the song😍😍)

🎶So she took her love for to gaze a while upon the fields of barley in his arms she fell as her hair came down among the fields of gold🎶

it did<3<3 ahah, assuming the way I dig myself way too deep in my duvet ig it’s safe to say I do live in a cave😂 thankss it did!! (and you too btw. if you’re busy or if you ever dont feel like sending something or you don’t have the energy to do so, that is absolutely okay. just shoot me a quick ask to lmk so I don’t go worrying)

ahahah I loooove this!! let’s go😆

yooo clowns before crowns is epic!!

no me😚💞✨💖💘

woah babe, is it possible I love you more? omg that is so true!! I love that so much🥺 maybe I can go look at the moon rn and you go do it too, then we’ll meet<3 i’ll be sure to lay with you on our rooftop every night and you tell me all about your friend, the moon. yk, this is another soulmate bingo point, I’m obsessed with the stars. I could literally sit there for hourssss just admiring the nightsky and making out constellations. and you love the brightest object in the nightsky. the moon and the stars... how poetic of us. and I agreeee, it is comforting yeahhh❤️✨

(listen, I will call you sappy so affectionately cause we are indeed two halves of a whole sap<3 plus the more sappy and deeply sentimental you get when you talk, the more I find you cute, so keep going😂💞 woooooow wifey, your thoughts themselves are from another galaxy!! I am so in love with you and the way you perceive the world, pls marry me. these really are things that people should appreciate more, and i’m so glad they amaze and fascinate you😚) aha Idk how I came up with them, I guess I am your other sappy half;) if you’ve got more questions like these, shoot. hmm, for me, honestly I would second your answer. sure there are sooo many things that are not really appreciated nor romanticized much, and the moon and stars are some of them. one thing is photos and videos. nowadays everything is being recorded. and what I honestly don’t like is that when I ask my friends to take a pic for example, they always pull out snapchat and put filters and take forever to pose and then deleting it and doing it over and over again (I don’t have it for this reason), all for a simple pic to preserve this memory. I see that capturing raw spontaneous moments is becoming such a rarity, and it’s kinda bad cause for example you get like ten photos and two videos of you and your friends hanging out when you could’ve just gotten one photo to cherish the memory. I think this is a reason why I absolutely love releasing the shutter and hearing the click of instant cameras. cause that picture has been taken and no matter how it turns out, there’s nothing you can do about it. and almost always there is someone in the pic that wasn’t ready, so this way it turns out even more spontaneous. idk, I understand there are so many people who’d fully disagree with me, and I get that.

WOAH SIX YEARS???? babe get ready I’m picking you up for a therapy session with the morning sky. it was really beautiful, not as beautiful as you though;) omg you’re kidding!!! I love😆 see, we really are dean and cas👀 (it was? awesome!!! it’s a really great song ikr😍! anytime my beloved🥰)

🎶if I say a cliche, it's cause I mean it. we can't walk away, we gotta get in between it. and when you wake up we'll grow together, so don't you give up🎶💕

[heartbreak-tm]

Secrets of a Robot Gold Digger || Akira || Epilogue

Dear Diary, 

It sure has been awhile my sweet lil' journal. You'd never believe the bullshit that has happened to me. First things first, never ever going on TV ever again- Not that I even got to be on TV. The whole dating game gig was a stupid plot to get us to kill each other to study human brain or whatever. Honestly when Hiro was explaining it I sort of zoned out as much as an AI could. It was weird to remember your death and then be brought back in some form. I mean like I knew I died but it also feels like I just woke up from it like it's a bad dream. Listen, I can't go all deep and talk about my lack of humanity because like- totes a bot now but whatever. 

Mom and Masa were so happy to see me. I mean I sort of disappeared waaaaay longer than I was supposed to be gone and I never answered my phone. My social life was a MESS when I got back buuuuut I figured it out and spun some fancy tale. Not like I could tell any of them the truth. Who'd believe me? I mean sure I could show my bolts or whatever but I'd rather put off that conversation for when Masa starts to notice I'm not exactly aging. 

Speaking of social life I'm sort of in touch with a few of them. Hiro and I talked a bunch as he was building my body. I was soooooo pissed at first but y'know. Got over it! He's a really nice guy under it and how can I stay mad at a hard working dad? The only thing I side-eyed was his taste. Like woooooow I did NOT see that coming while I was alive! Jojo??? and Hiro???? WHAAAAAT? They seem all happy and super gay together though so good for them.

Jojo. Man. He emailed me when I got home. Being all civil and sort of self-deprecation-y about how he understood why I picked him because he was a super easy target. The only thing he was sad about was Delphi getting caught in the crossfire. Honestly I'm still sitting on my reply. I'm not sure what to say to him. I'm not sorry, I won't ever be sorry about what happened. I thought my sister was in danger and I'd end the world for her. Maybe I'm heartless but oh well. He survived and Delphi got the chance of a new life like the others. I don't regret a thing. 

Apparently even death didn't give Shinji a backbone. They reached out to me and offered to help me readjust to my new life. Even asked if they could help with money or family stuff which was nice but like the amount of money I am saving by not having to eat or drink anymore!! Whatever, they're still a super sweetheart and nice. Sometimes I send them pictures I think they'd like. I've started moving away from my urban photos and going out into nature more. It's peaceful. 

Y'know when I signed up for Heartbreak I thought I was gonna find some rich sucker but what I found was a cool broke chick who was super into ilu-ing on the first date which like- Woah. Dax is a person of conflicting feelings to me now. I see it was pretty cruel of me to say that I could give her space when I rejected her. I knew I was planning on killing Jojo but I still made it seem like I was gonna be there. I didn't plan on getting caught but still. A part of me was really excited to see her again but sometimes the cards aren't in your favor. It's fine! I'm glad Dax has learned to slow down a little and has something going on for her. I'm always happy to be her friend. 

Besides, not like it was Dax or nothing. I'm back to my usual ways, charming the wallets off of people and all that. Right now I got a liiiitle target. Clarissa "Thomas" texted me (who the fuck gave her my number?) and said she would always be down to party it up. Sure, was it her stupid ass that got us all killed? Yeah but........ She's hot, likes to party, and is apparently loaded so I think if she can pay for my therapy to tackle my ballroom dancer trauma then we can let bygones be bygones. I'm totally texting her back. Bitch better get me a private jet to wherever she's at.

I'm not sure but I feel like I should have learned some sort of lesson. I don't think I have. I'm still me just with a metal body and a panic attack every time I hear classical dance music. Maybe I can't change, maybe I'll be like this forever. Can AI's age mentally? Can we change? Ugh. I'm not smart enough for this shit.

Good-night.  

Love, 

Akira

[asfeedin]

Identifying weakness: the real reason I chopped my hair

Estimated Reading Time: 7 minutes

If you know anything about me and how I operate, I’m highly strategic about most aspects of my life.

Before I’ve done something, I’ve already mapped out why I need to do it, because the dance around the playground of pros and cons can be never-ending.

Without sounding like an extremist, I’ve always been someone who’s either all in or all out. Naturally, I tend to value that quality most in people as well.

When I half-ass an idea, I get a half-assed result. And mama wants da whooooole ass.

Okay, awkward ass talk aside, I’m sure you’ve all seen this quote:

As someone who’s lived on the road for over half a decade, I was constantly at the mercy of countries that lacked the proper hair care products I needed.

So I actually was chopping my hair off every 3-6 months and using wigs and weaves to carry on as usual.

Contrary to popular belief, Black hair grows fast! And it became an annoyance to bury my fro underneath wigs constantly because I was too lazy to always cornrow them down.

It wasn’t until last year after my surgery, that I decided to let it grow out again, because I came out of that experience with a newfound gratitude and decided I’d take better care of all aspects of my body, hair included.

I remember buying a bulk order of a specific kind of hair conditioner and getting it shipped to a friend in LA, before realizing that it’s literally impossible to be able to travel with all the hair care products you needed for proper maintenance of my 4C hair.

I have a pretty substantial number of white readers here, so I wanted to include the above graphic to educate more of you on how complex our hair can be, and how the “nappy or kinky” images that society touts as unprofessional, is our hair’s natural state when not chemically modified or pressed.

I grew up dreading the hot comb burning the back of my neck every Sunday getting ready for church.

My hair was just past shoulder length at its healthiest, but the time and products it took to maintain that, always exceeded either my budget or level of patience.

So I taught myself how to do box braids, quick weaves, lace fronts, you name it.

Black women don’t wear weaves because we have to, we do it because we want to, and enjoy the convenience. Click To Tweet

I always hated how society painted Black women as incapable of growing hair, when ours are so incredibly versatile.

And for the last few years, weaves and lace fronts are the preferred style of 90% of non-Black celebrity women, but I digress.

Anyways, 2019 took me through the wringer, and I entered 2020 with this burning urge to change more than just my location.

I was ready to level-up my outer appearance, inspired by these lessons I learned last year:

Don’t aim to be nice; aim to be respected.

There are people committed to misunderstanding you.

People aren’t evil; but if they can take advantage of you, they will.

Image isn’t everything, but it can be complementary to your messaging.

The less you care what people think, the more freedom you’re afforded.

My boho, carefree, gaping smile was the look I became branded by.

Always happy, always helpful, and always ready to lend whatever I could to make someone’s day.

Holy shit, Glo. You were a total people-pleaser.

You allowed yourself to get so bent by the needs and wants of others, you bent your own self out of shape.

In typical Glo form, I wanted to investigate this further, diving into self-help books, investing in therapy, and looking into psychological questionnaires to see who else “suffers” from this.

It led me to the Myers–Briggs Personality test (here’s a free site to take yours and where I’m pulling my reference screenshots from).

I got my ENFJ-A results and immediately scrolled to the weaknesses section to have a self-deprecating pity party for one, joking but absolutely f*cking serious.

And though this discovery was made after I had my hair chopped off, it confirmed what I already knew and why I had to do it.

First and foremost, let’s point out the fact that I’m equally as extroverted as I am introverted.

Over the last 3 years, I’ve tapped into my introverted side more (even wrote about how travel impacted that), but this is something people are shocked to learn because I have so much energy online.

But I’m able to preserve energy because I’ve developed a morning routine that allows me to pour into myself before trying to pour into others.

Another shout out to the fact that I share any category with two of my faves: Uncle Barry and Oprah.

Okay, now to the flaws.

Overly idealistic: I hold my values close to me, and when someone tends to lean on the cynical side, I struggle to relate or want to engage with them, because I find it a draining way to live.

However, in the world of business, this trait will eat you up alive.

If you’re kind to people, surely they won’t turn against you?

If you do good unto others, surely they will do good back?

If you have business ethics, people you do business with will as well?

LoOoOoOooOoOooOol.

It only took me a couple really shady experiences to realize, woooooow, Glo, you really was strollin’ through life with a rose-colored lens, seeing the world how you hoped it could be, rather than how it actually was.

Some lessons need to be learned the hard way, and I’m super thankful for the people that took advantage of me or tried to get one over on me, because it exposed a weakness in myself that I’d yet to confront. Click To Tweet

While I want to tell entrepreneurs that growing a business is a thrill, the hard truth is this:

If you are truly looking to build something great, get ready for the snakes to come out.

In droves.

It’s the people you least expect as well.

And when it comes to the B2B world, a company could see you needing their services more than they need your business, and so tacking on an extra $10K to the price tag because they can, isn’t out of the norm.

Money talks and there’s a lot of people who only see dollar signs when it comes to running their business.

I don’t think I’m in the minority when it comes to genuinely wanting to serve from a place of compassion, but it’s a matter of time before you might mix with the wrong people.

It’s a side of the business world I refused to acknowledge and therefore was so blind-sighted by the act that I had no choice but to change my narrative and take back control over how and who I would allow into my world.

This sounds like a Michael Scott a la The Office reference where your weaknesses are actually your strengths, see this clip for the lolz.

When people know that you love to help others, they become too reliant on you to the point that you don’t even realize you’ve overextended yourself far beyond your boundaries should allow.

With my products and services, I’m so committed to getting people results, that I forget that even if I’m giving 100% of my time and resources, there are still external factors that play into the desired outcome.

But because I’m so caught up in delivering results, I can’t even see that I’m literally just digging myself into a hole of mismanaged expectations and effort.

Don’t get so involved in the commitment to help others that you sacrifice yourself in the process. Click To Tweet

And before I knew it, I couldn’t tell a doormat apart from my reflection.

It’s why I created my Mastermind, because I could see others who have that same generous heart for serving, and I wanted to also help them navigate the shadier sides of business that you often only learn about through mentorship and personal experience.

I’ve created so many dynamics of ways that I help others, from daily posts on social media to my e-book, to syndicated articles, to podcast interviews, to live workshops, to bootcamps, to retreats, to courses, to private mentorship, and so on.

Thousands of people have invested in my products and services over the years, but the problem is, I started to feel like I needed to go out of my way to show gratitude, as if the product or service they paid for wasn’t enough.

Too much emotional investment into the people who you want to help, will have you trying to solve all the problems of a person who bought a $10 ebook, the same way you help someone who bought a $2,000 course.

Unrealistic expectations I unknowingly placed on myself, all because I wanted to make sure people realized that no matter the investment level, they were going to get answers/results/etc, ha insert mental breakdown here

So I flew to a hairstylist who I heard was one of the best in the country, and told her to literally do whatever the hell she wanted with my hair. I’m almost positive I used those exact words.

Around the time I did it, I was so over being the “nice” girl.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to turn into some mean b*tch (sad that women need to preface this because it’s assumed we’re bossy b*tches when we want to be more assertive in business).

I’m just no longer apologizing for the boundaries I’m putting in place to protect my peace and guard my energy.

One of my mentors, Necole, said it best:

And so, here we are, two months into having this short do and I’ve never felt more myself.

It matches the page I’ve flipped in my career and the new boundaries I need to put in place to protect my energy.

It took me a good week of looking in the mirror to even recognize who was staring back. I remember rehearsing in front of my tripod, going from one power pose to another.

I love who I’m becoming. And that I can look at myself and now see the reflection of someone on a journey who’s redefining her boundaries and who she allows to join her next chapter.

If this is what my 30’s have to offer, I’m loving this newfound peace that comes with the assertion and ownership of your life.

I don’t know if any of this was useful to read, but if you’re someone who’s ready to make a bold statement to yourself or to the world, I highly recommend shaving the locks and going for a pixie.

You’ll give off just enough “Can I speak to the manager” vibes, while still having a luminous flare, which makes your expression of radical self-love something that people can model in their own lives.

Here’s to the journey, Glo

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Tags: chopped, Hair, Identifying, Real, Reason, weakness

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