#i feel weird putting the name out cause it's not a deadname but it kind of is?

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Full sketchbook page of younger Constant doodles. I am rotating this OC like never before

[rainbowninja00]

so I read the post by @/xpecially (they wrote the why cross isnt trans post) and I have some thoughts... I will put them under keep reading so if you dont want to read it you dont have to! remember you are all valid and we love you <3

Imma do this shit in order and NOT post the images they used in the post cause I do not wish to upset this person. REMINDER!!! DO NOT HARASS THIS PERSON THEY ARE LITERALLY A CHILD NO FUCKIN NOT

my first gripe is with the wording on the first image "why the trans coding of cross sucks" sucks???? wdym my gamer?

these head-canons are not farfetched, they aren't as farfetched as one in particular they mentioned later on which I will touch on. also this seems like a super bad faith take???

Here's a fun PSA for everone: DO NOT use an artists art without their permission! this person used @/dustcrumbs art without permission in their post and you can see in the replies that dustcrumbs asks for them to take their art out of the post.

also its not that he doesnt want to "admit" he's a sans, its that he doesnt feel like a sans anymore, he has become an outcode, an other, he has been cast out by his family and friends because of his actions, which is also something trans people can relate with when it comes to unaccepting family members and friends.

queer, and in particular, trans people are the ones making these headcanons in the first place, this is not people stereotyping cross, this is them finding familiarity in his story and assigning him a label that he at least somewhat fits in with. Also, anyone who has read anything UTMV related on AO3 knows that cross is often trans or trans coded in peoples works.

I SHALL NOT BE EXPLAINING MY THOUGHTS ON FLUTTERSHY BECAUSE I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW CRINGEFAIL I AM ABOUT MLP:FIM

putting a little doodle that says KYS on a little essay about why cross isnt trans feels kinda icky but okay gamer. I agree that some labels can kind of deconstruct the history of characters and their stories, but it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things! cause people will tell them hey! this is kinda ooc, and usually people will make their own version of the character/au/etc or fix it up a bit to be more in character.

the next take quite literally justifies the trans cross headcanon but alr. just because it isnt directly gender related doesnt mean people cant draw from it and add that in, since we never see all of cross' formative years so we'll never know if he is actually trans... what if in his first timeline he was made as a girl hm? that seems pretty trans to me.

making cross trans doesn't DESTROY his current history or anything like that, if anything it provides greater context for his suffering and adds another thing for him to be traumatised by. (yippee angst authors rise up

I... only trans people have deadnames right??? im not crazy right??? I vividly remember discussions like this on tiktok about cis people changing their names and them asking if that is now their dead name and trans people responded saying it wasn't a dead name because it wasnt dead to them or stuff like that (it was a couple years ago i dont remember it exactly) but specifically, the term deadname is for trans people I THINK!

Time to get onto this persons own diagnosis on cross, SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE IT IS CANON THAT CROSS HAS DID??? I have never once seen that it is canon that he has DID, which makes this a headcanon if this person, and if you ask me DID headcanons can be FAR more harmful within their community than trans ones. DID is already so terribly stigmatised, and when you describe cross theyway they do with extreme agression, "going crazy about the past", no control over emotions expecially anger, and willing to do anything to get what he wants, these are all pretty HARMFUL STEREOTYPES buddy pal chum friendo. Cross being trans seems much less harmful and damaging of the integrity of the character/their story than this persons own personal diagnosis.

"jakei is doing weird and incomprehensible things again..." what like making a character trans/trans-coded? in the queer fandom??? how odd, how strange, how absolutely peculiar. Jakei did that because Jakei is based af and cares about their community. She cares about the people consuming underverse and supports the trans head-canons cause she knows they are just headcanons and arent going to ruin the story she is working on telling.

Once more I shall state DO NOT HARASS this person, especially because they are a minor.

overall, cross being trans is just a headcanon that the community likes a whole lot cause we are all gay af, at least most of us. this headcanon does not ruin the story, the character, or anything like that, its just for funsies like most headcanons and people need to get their heads outta their asses about it istg. you are in the gay fandom, what do you expect???

[fuck-customers]

I’m one of the anons who had to isolate, just got back to working this week. One of my regulars showed up last night on, like, my second day back. I usually talk to him while making his usual coffee, sometimes he scouts me out when I’m in other sections but I try not to be off put by him cause from every time we’ve spoken I get the vibe he just seems lonely (no friends, family in another state ect) + he’s a regular so it’s a given you gotta be nice.

Anyway, we go about the usual “hey haven’t seen you in a bit” starter convo. I mention I was in iso he says he already knew that, had apparently asked a coworker where I was (not that weird so far so okay). As I’m finishing his coffee he starts asking me if I use social media, and if I would add him there. I told him I didn’t have any apart from an fb I barely use - not a lie, the only non-personal account I have is fb and it’s just to message family (it’s also under my chosen name, not the deadname I forcibly go by at work so that also makes me not wanna give it but I obvs don’t say that). He keeps insisting it’s fine, I should message him some time. I lie and just say I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t remember the password. So he keeps going; “if you remember it, be sure to message me. Try to remember it tonight, I’m sure you can do it.”

Idk, maybe I’m just overreacting or maybe he’s just a bit too awkward to get social cues (I feel that) but now I’m a little bit worried he might be thinking our workplace “relationship” is more then it actually is. He’s in his abt mid 40s, I’m in my mid 20s. I’ve made no hints that I see him as anything besides a customer, but there are some comments he’s made in the past that I’m kind of re-contextualising since last night. Am I just overthinking things? Idk how I’m going to establish boundaries if I would need to or what to do if he doesn’t let up asking me to add him, I’m awful at confrontation help

[kcatta-wodahs]

Trans, Enby, or anything not Cis MC + OM Demon Bros!

TLDR; they all fuckin love you okay you’re wonderful

Lucifer

It happens right away honestly, as he is your introduction to Devildom 

You arrive suddenly in the student council, with no fucking warning, and with a bunch of people who are saying they’re demons. And like yeah okay sorcery obviously exists in your world so we can work with this but

He looks at a file, and states your deadname, and in a fit of bravery or just “i guess im here now” you correct him. 

The silence after that is palpable and every negative emotion you’re feeling as you wait shows up on your face. 

Lucifer only has a slight frown, looking at the paper, and at you, before it clears.

“Oh. Humans. I understand.” He marks something on the paper, and repeats your name. Your real name.

“Should I assume that the pronouns listed are incorrect as well?”

He calls for a RAD uniform that you’re most comfortable with, while Diavolo gushes over “HUMAN!!!”

Okay, cool, you’re hanging with demons now but at least they respect your pronouns? Guess this is your life. Your next question is whether you’re dead lol

So he knows the whole time, but it doesn’t change a thing! He loves you the same.

When you’re closer, he is very to-the-point about caring for you when you’re feeling dysphoric.

He offers you tips, makes sure you maintain your voice training even if you’re embarrassed about it, and always pushes you to express yourself how you want.

Hell maybe they use that princely riches to get you whatever surgeries you might want!

And he will *very clearly* show you how much he likes your body, however it is. 

After all, by the end of the game you belong to him, don’t you?

Mammon

When he's first assigned to be your guardian or whatever in Devildom, he didn't get the memo. 

Didn't read the paperwork, cause he's just like me and puts off homework for way too long.

So he doesn't know these pronouns of yours that Lucifer has fixed in the documentation.

Which means, unfortunately, you have to correct him when he first speaks to Levi about you.

What's funny about it is that he'll complain about LITERALLY EVERYTHING having to do with you and you being a human and UGH he has to take care of a FRAGILE HUMAN

But when you correct the pronouns he doesn't even fucking blink.

You don't even explain.

You just say the correct pronoun after he messes up, and then he repeats you and *continues complaining about you* but this time in the correct pronouns.

This is the first moment out of a million of "hidden endearing things about Mammon" that you will come to learn.

Later, when you're closer, he will always be there to stand up for you and put up a fight if anyone wants to give you shit.

He will defend you to the end of time. 

And he adores you. If he -- The Great Mammon -- adores you, then you must be perfect. So you can tell your stupid human brain to stuff it with the negative talk.

Leviathan

This one is written as AFAB

When you deny wearing the Ruri-chan dress for him, he's sad.

He KNEW you thought he was weird… and his thing for Ruri-chan was weird… and weirddmmm

So, you hesitantly tell him that… no, truly its not because of Ruri-chan

You just.. feel so sick when wearing dresses.

Something in you physically hurts, and you feel so *wrong* when in a situation where you're supposed to act "girly".

And you tell him that you don't really identify as female. You try to avoid that image whenever you can.

Levi is so touched that you would tell him and be honest with him.

He hugs you tightly and then turns beet red.

"D-Does that mean that you m-might.. kabedon… as Henry….?"

Cause he has that costume too and has never told anyone that he def would be seduced by his TSL hero.

You can get behind that one, and seeing how flustered he gets around you being yourself (through Henry?) has your confidence skyrocketing

This makes way to you flirting with ya boi 100% more often to see his adorable face.

Beelzebub

You go with him to work out, which is nothing really new, but this time he's looking at doing endurance training

...by swimming.

You have no idea what to do. 

He didn't think twice about it, either. He didn't assume there would be any problem at all. 

But for some reason your brain decided that his helpful and loving attitude wouldn't extend to this? Brains are silly when scared.

You try not to tear up when he questions why you've frozen in the doorway when he told you his plan.

You have no reason to be ashamed, or fearful, but the suddenness of the moment overwhelms you.

"I can't wear a swimsuit," is what comes out.

He pauses and then just looked vastly confused. He thought humans could swim..? Anyone could wear a swimsuit. You were wearing clothes right? What's the difference?

You wrap your arms around yourself, tryiing to soothe your nerves. "It's.. It shows too much.."

Then he looks you over, causing you to blush further, and he tips his head. "But you look nice."

Well if you weren't blushing before, now you definitely were. But it's not that. You hold your breath.

You try to explain without actually saying it, almost as if the word transgender has been blocked from your internal vocabulary. 

But this babe just insists that you look great no matter what. Is it scars? Like everyone here has scars, it's okay. Weird toes? You should see Belphie's. There's a reason he wears socks all the time. 

That almost makes you giggle, and you use that courage to say that you're trans.

He pauses for just a seond to blink. "Oh... nobody cares about that here."

He pulls you into a hug while you struggle for words. He tells you that you don't have to go swimming if you don't want to.

But he makes sure you know that he thinks you're wonderful. You're strong and brave and amazing. He will fight anyone who makes you feel differently. 

Asmodeus

This one is AMAB

It’s seeing Asmo be unequivocally himself that gives you the courage to do it.

You haven’t even told your human friends yet. Your human family.

You’ve known for ages, but..

Seeing Asmo flounce over to you wearing the most STUNNING evening dress has you weak at the knees, for reasons other than he assumes.

He assumes that you’re wildly in love as you duck your head and try to mumble something through your shaking breaths, and of course, who wouldn’t be?

But when he coaxes you to speak up for him, delight of a whole different kind lights up in his expression.

“Could you… make me as pretty as you?”

Oh, darling, he wouldn’t even need to try.

He dolls you up, hosting a lovely makeover session in his room. What he doesn’t expect is for you to start crying when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Asmo’s unshakeable confidence is shaken. He rushes over to you, trying to brush away tears and learning what’s wrong.

That’s when you tell him what you’d been hiding for so long.

The adoration in his eyes catches you off guard, and he takes your hands lovingly. “Oh, honey..” he mumbles, affectionate and sweet instead of seductive. “What’s your name?”

He takes you out shopping the next day, and is always ready to help you be yourself. 

He makes the switch almost instantly, and calls you the prettiest thing he’s ever seen even when you’re just waking up in the morning and kind of feel like a toad. 

(You blame him for those mornings, though, since he’s the one working so hard to *thoroughly* exhaust you the night before.)

Satan

This one is AFAB

You and Satan have begun meeting rather often for tea. 

It’s even gotten to the point where you’re both perfectly happy to sit in silence around each other. You’ve never been more comfortable.

But today, chaos reigns, and it has decided to make you clumsy today. Not even like, oh “that’s reasonable” clumsy.

No, you were enthralled in your fucking book, and you MISSED. 

Tea, all down your chin and neck, and you hear a snort of derision.

Satan is looking at you, very clearly amused. “Very graceful.”

You huff and puff out your cheeks at him to prevent from blushing. “Shut up. Do you have a towel?”

Looking no less amused, he just pulls a new shirt from the dresser behind him and offers it to you. 

You guys are chill. Good friends. Like. You don’t want to get up to go find a bathroom to change in. Your book is good and like Satan’s not about to be a creep, so you ask if it’s cool if you just change there, and he shrugs in response.

So, you swap shirts quickly, but when you’re dry he’s looking at you curiously.

“You have battle scars.”

You realize that you’d never told him. About your past, or your surgery, and you suddenly feel very self-conscious. 

“It’s- .. Not exactly,” you fumble out, realizing that now, instead of finishing your amazing book, you have to deal with *coming out?* Ughhhhhh. “They’re from a surgery.”

Satan’s eyes don’t leave you. “I’ve read enough about the human world to know what they are,” he said, then he nods to himself. “I didn’t know you’d had such a fight.”

You are either very, very impressed or very, very confused and you really don’t know which to lean towards just yet. 

“I’ve never been in a battle, Satan.”

“You fought to become yourself,” he answered, a small smile tracing his lips. “You never cease to impress me.”

Belphegor

The best part about becoming best friends with Belphie is the snuggle naps. It's the sweetest, calmest thing.

He is a little confused about why you insist on hugging a pillow when you nap with him, though.

He admits, its adorable. When he's big spoon he loves looking at you as you snuggle the big fluffy pillow. 

When he wants to face you, though, he wants to be closer, he doesn't really understand it. He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable but also.. why?

Eventually, he tries to get answers out of you by teasing you about getting closer *intimately*. 

He does expect the blush.

He doesn't expect the look of despair that you hide from him.

He's stunned for a moment before demanding to know why the hell you would look so sad about that.

You try to shake it off, but Belphie's nothing if not persistent and annoying when he wants to be.

He learns that you have been trying really hard for months now to hide your body from him. To keep your personal info private, even while snuggling. 

You didn't know how he would take it, after all. 

What if he got something he wasn't expecting?

Honestly, Belphie sulks after hearing this. He flicks your forehead and glares at you for doubting him. 

But he looks you dead in the eyes and reminds you that you could never convince him you were anything less than perfect.

If you expected him to be disappointed by whatever you hid during snuggles, he would never be. You would never be a disappointment to him.

Your next nap together doesn't feature the pillow between you, which makes your heart feel fit to burst while he snuggles you closer. 

[thisstableground]

so, new names?

 it’s kind of a weird thing to find, you know. i wasn’t planning to actively look for one today, didn’t have it on the books for any time this week, even. i’ve been thinking about finding a gender-neutral name for some time now, but i’ve never been frantically searching. it’s like how i’ve sort of been intending to buy new bedsheets for ages but mine are still functional even with all the inkstains and the elastic on the fitted sheet going. i don’t need to, i want to. so it gets pushed back behind other priorities or i’ll idly browse but then never find anything that i settle on. 

i don’t hate being called sophia. it’s a pretty name, first and middle both - sophia grace, named after sophia loren and grace kelly. sophia means wisdom, grace means...well, grace, obviously.  i like that meaning, i like the sibilances and the vowels. it just isn’t quite mine, doesn’t quite fit, never quite has, like a lot of things about me.  it doesn’t upset me to be called it. i like that my mother put some thought into it. i worry that getting rid of it might be hurtful to her, somehow, even though i don’t actually plan to use a different name around family. i worry that i will announce this to my friends and they’ll say, that’s nice, and then ignore it completely and continue to call me sophia, because i don’t hate it enough for it to seem important to anyone except myself. i worry that asking them to call me anything else is self indulgent. it feels self-indulgent to ask people to make this effort, to notice me, to perceive me as the person i choose to be.

god, i have earned some self-indulgence. i don’t need a reason to change it. i don’t need to think for days and weeks and years and never be sure, because i’m never sure about anything and i’ll only get less so. i know myself. i don’t need be certain if this is just a gender thing, or if gender is only one of so many other things that i’ve had to spend so long working on and understanding. i don’t think it matters. if i wasn’t nonbinary, if i wasn’t all the things i am and have been, even then i don’t think it would matter. i know myself and it’s my name. if not even my name belongs to me how will i ever find everything else that i’ve been looking for? if i don’t let myself have a name that feels right for me, how will i ever let myself have anything else? doesn’t it just get so tedious, overthinking my way out of everything that could make me happy, pretending that it’s logic when really it’s just that tired old thought pattern telling me that i’m not allowed it, because it would make me feel good.

i don’t hate the name sophia. i don’t hate who she is or was, even when that caused me a lot of pain. i don’t want to forget her, even though there are so many things that it hurts to remember. changing my name wouldn’t leave any of that behind, not really, but i’ve left a lot of it behind through hard work already and i think that it’s a good time to find something new. i don’t even think that i’ll let her go completely. she isn’t a deadname, she isn’t someone that i want to forget ever being, she worked her ass off to get me here. i don’t like the idea of her going through all that just for me to throw her away, never to be remembered, or only brought out for official paperwork. i like to think of her reading fic on a beach somewhere, in comfy pajamas with quiet music playing and a cat in her lap, forever. not a deadname, she isn’t dead; she’s retired, and she’s earned the peace and quiet. i hope she is happy there. i hope that i can respect all the work she’s put in by continuing to work hard and being someone she’d be happy to be.

it is, strangely, already so much easier to be kind to my past self. she deserves to rest. i deserve to rest. i deserve a name that i chose.

anyway. i got that ask about pronouns earlier and it sent me off on a little google again. i didn’t want to go completely divorced from sophia grace, but both of them are so clearly feminine names, so i tried googling to see if there was a male equivalent that i could use.

sophia is from the greek, wisdom. the male equivalent, according to some random commenters on some random baby name site, would be sophus. i do not want to be called sophus. i would have to say, “no, not sofas, sophus” every time i introduced myself to a new person for the rest of forever. and it didn’t feel like me, either. there were suggestions of other names that had similar meanings: conrad, brave counsel. nicomedes, victory of thought. alvis, all wise. i am definitely not an alvis or a conrad or a nicomedes. i felt nothing for those names.

then someone else suggested the name sage. sage, like wise. sage, like the plant. sage, supposedly cleansing if you burn it, clear the negativity. i don’t burn it myself, i prefer the smell of it when it’s growing. we have english sage in our garden: when you roll a leaf between your fingers or when you’re hanging a bundle up to dry out and turn into tea, it smells like mint, faintly, camphor. something medicinal, something healing. sage, the first and last letters of my first and middle names. sophia grace. she isn’t dead, she isn’t gone completely,. just cleansed, just something new.  i want to be something new. i want to grow some leaves. i want to be called by my name, and my name is now sage.

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

[yikesharringrove]

Umm, I accidentally deleted the request for this while moving it to my inbox, so here it is. (Also this is like, four months old).

I’m gonna rec this fic which is super well written and adorable

Steve is ftm. (Personally, I’m not a big fan of mpreg unless it’s like, biologically plausible 🤷‍♀️)

Under the cut bc it’s long and there’s a little bit of smut.

-

Billy’s hands were shaking as he raced out of the house.

He had a bag slung over one shoulder, had already put two others in the Camaro.

His dad had gone in hard today. Three days after Billy graduated high school and he’s already calling him a deadbeat, a fuck up. Telling him to get a job like he hasn’t worked every summer and most weekends since he was fourteen.

He lit a cigarette as he slid into the driver’s seat.

He was gonna make one stop on the way outta town.

-

Steve had given Billy a spare key months ago, after he was tired of always having to go downstairs and answer the door.

He liked it when Billy just made his way up, started kissing whatever skin was already exposed and asking Steve if he’s wet.

Tonight, Steve thought, was no different.

Billy was kissing up his calf, mouthing along his knee, a few fingers creeping up the leg of his shorts.

Billy was the best sex he’s ever had. Not a lot of gay guys will go down on Steve, some won’t even fuck him. He had been real hesitant to tell Billy, start having regular sex with his best friend, because he didn’t think Billy would want anything to do with him when he knew what he was bringing to the table.

But Billy had told him not to be an idiot, ate him out, and pounded him into the mattress.

And Steve was in love.

So he let Billy fuck him whenever he pleased, because at least Billy was giving him the time of day, at least he was getting some.

He opened his eyes, smiling lazily down at Billy.

“‘Time is it?”

“Almost two.” Billy was curling two fingers into his waistband, slowly pulling down his shorts, like maybe Steve wouldn’t notice.

Steve lifted his hips, and Billy whipped off his shorts, diving right in for his pussy.

He ate him out with the same fervor he did everything. Making all these gross slurping sounds, sucking on Steve’s cock and shoving his tongue inside him.

He made Steve cum twice on his face, as was the norm, before wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, and getting right to business.

He fucked Steve like he was mad at him.

He often did. And Steve knew he wasn’t mad at him, moreso mad at the other him, the him that’s ruined Billy’s life since before he was even born.

Steve wasn’t as dumb as everyone thought. Knew that when Billy snuck into his bedroom at odd hours of the night and absolutely ravished him, something bad had happened with his dad.

So when Billy finally rolled off of him, and lit a cigarette, Steve knew better than to ask.

“I’m leaving.” Steve just hummed at him. Billy sometimes stuck around after sex.

But Billy didn’t move.

“Like, leaving Hawkins.” Steve just hummed again. Billy talked a lot about leaving Hawkins. Steve had always secretly dreamed of running away with him. 

Billy just studied his face in the dark, stubbing out his cigarette and rolling over to hols Steve close to his chest.

Steve closed his eyes, let himself pretend.

Pretend that Billy loved him back.

-

He woke up to rustling, Billy getting dressed to leave as weak sunlight began to trickle through his curtains.

“Oh shit, didn’t mean to wake you.”

He smiled lazily at Billy.

“You comin’ back over tonight?” Billy looked stiff.

“Probably not. Sorry.”

“That’s okay. I’ll see you later, then.”

“Yeah. Later.” Billy was sitting on the end of his bed, had just finished tying on his boots.

And then he moved, quick as a flash to kiss Steve softly before he was thundering down the stairs.

Steve was just falling asleep as the Camaro roared away.

-

Billy had skipped town that night.

And Steve never forgave himself.

-

Steve was leaning over the counter, his head pressed into the cool top of it.

“I threw up all last week, and I just feel like shit.” He had been whining to Robin practically all morning at Family Video.

“Do you think you have the flu?”

“I don’t know, Rob. I mean, my stomach hurts a lot, but like, it feels like I’m just having awful cramps.”

“Are you on your period?”

“Nah. Don’t get it very often with the hormones anymore.”

“Normally I’d suggest pregnancy, but I know you’re in a bit of a dry spell.” He rolled slightly to look darkly at her. “Still no word of Billy?”

“No. The one person in Hawkins that isn’t too transphobic to fuck me, and he skips town.” Steve sighed. “I should’ve known, too. He was being super weird that night.”

“Whatever. When you and I skip town, we’ll have the time of our damn lives, and get you laid.” He laughed softly.

“I’m just gonna go to the doctor this weekend. Get a full physical.”

“Let me know the verdict at and I can come over with some medicine, if you need.”

“Thanks, Rob.”

-

Steve was lying back on the stiff exam table.

He had already given blood and urine samples, and was just waiting for the doctor to tell him what the fuck was wrong with him.

Sometimes his hormones had to be adjusted, and caused all sorts of weird shit to go haywire in his body.

Dr. Mauch was a kind woman, always been pleasant and accepting of Steve, even referred him to an endocrinologist for his hormones.

She didn’t smile when she came in, though. Just sat down at her stool.

“I’m going to go out a limb here and say that this is not news you’ll be happy about hearing.”

Steve felt his heart drop to his stomach.

“You’re pregnant.”

He blinked.

“No.”

“I’m sorry, Steve. But you most definitely are.”

“But, but I’m on blockers, and testosterone, and I haven’t had sex in months.”

“I’d say about six months.” His mouth was dry. Billy had left in late May. About six months ago. “And being on hormones is not an effective method of birth control. Some men still get pregnant after taking them.”

“I’m not, I don’t look pregnant.”

“Some people don’t really show their pregnancy. My sister was rail thin the entire time, had a perfectly healthy baby girl. It’s all about your body type.”

“So, so you’re telling me, that I’m six months fucking pregnant.”

“Yes.” He slumped back onto the exam table.

“What are, what are my options?”

“Well, unfortunately, not many. Abortions are only legal in Indiana up to 20 weeks, or five months, or unless the person pregnant is facing severely compromised physical health. There’s always adoption.”

“No one’s gonna want a baby from a trans guy.” She pursed her lips.

“I think that’s a harsh statement. Many people are desperate for babies.” Steve just stared at her.

“So, if I have to take it to term, should I like, go off my hormones.” His stomach gave a lurch at the idea.

“I would recommend it. There’s very little research one pregnancy in transgender individuals. We really don’t know how hormones can affect the baby.” Steve sighed. “I would say, get in with an OB/GYN. I can recommend a few I know and send them your medical history. Your name change and hormone therapy is part of all of it, so hopefully they will be kind.” Steve sighed.

“Thank you, Doc. I really appreciate it.”

“I’m sorry for the disappointing news.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” She gave him a copy of their appointment notes, a list of OB/GYNs for him to research, and a hug before she left.

He drove home slowly, feeling exhausted, like the weight of the fucking world was on his shoulders.

He got home to find Robin sitting on his front porch, her nose buried in a book, a pizza box sitting next to her.

She looked up at him, and he burst into tears.

-

“Look, Max, if he contacts you in any way, tell him to call Steve, okay? It’s important.” Robin was yammering to Max on the phone, trying to get a way to contact Billy.

Steve was laying on the couch, had his shirt rucked up over his stomach, pushing it out and sucking it in, trying to see any change in his body.

“Just give him Steve’s phone number and tell him he’s an asshole.” She hung up the phone, perching on the armrest at Steve’s feet.

“She know where he is?”

“No. She said he ran off and hasn’t contacted her at all. She didn’t even know he was leaving.” She slid onto the couch, let Steve put his feet on her lap. “You think he’d come back? If he knew?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really asking him to. I mean, I don’t think I’m in a place to take care of it, but I kinda just want him to know it exists. Like, I think he deserves that.”

“I get it.” Her voice was soft. She watched Steve stare at his tummy some more. “I’m sorry. I’m sure this is just, dysphoria out the wazoo.” Steve huffed a laugh.

“I don’t think it’s really hit me yet. I think ‘cause I’m not showing. I don’t look pregnant, so how can I be pregnant, you know?” He sighed tugging down his shirt. “Going to the doctor’s gonna be a damn nightmare, though. They’re too used to dealing with women. It’s gonna suck.”

-

Steve was right.

Even though his primary care doctor had sent his medical history, he still got deadnamed and misgendered at reception, and intake, and by the nurse, and the doctor when she finally arrived.

They gave him a pelvic exam, getting him in for a sonogram as well.

And as the doctor was moving the imagining wand around on his tummy, and he heard the heartbeat for the first time, something caved inside of him.

A baby. He was having a baby.

And part of him, a really fucking big part of him, was starting to love it.

-

His parents were home for four days.

And Steve had waited for the final day of their homesteading to tell them.

He’s glad he did.

Diner was as quiet as always, and Steve had nearly choked on the words.

“I’m pregnant.”

His father had gotten out his wallet, asked how much an abortion costs.

“I’m too far along for that. Nowhere will legally do it.”

His mother had just stared at him. His father asked how far along he was.

“Close to seven months. I didn’t even know until like, a week and a half ago.”

And his father had stood up, and the yelling began.

“I can’t believe you. You kick up this huge fuss, make us change your name, and the way we refer to you, go around telling everyone your a boy, and you get pregnant like the little slut you are.”

And he had told Steve to back his shit, told him he was not welcome in my house anymore.

And Steve didn’t have a lot of shit he cared about, the clothes he liked fit in one duffel bag.

His mother didn’t look at him as he left.

-

He had called Mrs. Henderson from a payphone.

Nobody else could give him a ride anymore, and he wasn’t expecting her to drop everything and drive him somewhere, but she had freaked out at the words kicked out and for getting pregnant, and told him to stay where he is.

She was there with a tight hug and a travel mug of honey lemon tea within twenty minutes.

Steve had asked for a ride to a youth shelter he had read about, but she shook her head, said you’re coming to live with me and Dusty and Steve had cried in her passenger seat, and again in her guest bedroom.

-

Steve groaned.

He had finally begun showing, just a little bit out a mound near his belly button.

But he felt like shit, had taken to spending most days in bed.

He bat away whoever was shaking him.

“Go away.”

“Steve, it’s Max.”

“I’m sleeping.”

“I found Billy, you asshole. I have his address.” Steve sat bolt up straight.

“You, where is he?”

“Boston. He went east, for some reason. But he sent me a letter, out of the blue, and I told him you had something important to say, but he said he doesn’t have a phone.” She handed him a slip of paper.

“Thanks, Max.” He gave her a weak smile, found her chewing her lip.

“Is he the father? The other father, I mean.” He had told the party about the pregnancy, figured rumors would begin spreading soon enough.

“Yeah. He’s the other father.”

“He wouldn’t have ditched you. If he’d known.”

“I know.”

“He’s not like that.”

“I know.” She stared him down. He kept his face open, honest.

“Are you gonna write to him?”

“Yeah. I just, I don’t really know what to say.”

“Just keep it simple. Tell him he’s got a kid. Let him choose what he wants.”

-

It took Steve almost a month to draft a letter.

He didn’t really know what to say.

He settled on the bare minimum.

I’m pregnant. And it is most definitely, without a doubt, yours. I’m not expecting anything from you. I don’t want money, or for you to move back to Hawkins. I just thought you deserve to know about your kid.

He read the letter about three times, one hand pressed delicately to his little bump.

I’ve decided to keep the baby. I’m going to raise them. You’re welcome to meet them, and be in their life if you choose, but if not, I’m not going to hold it against you.

He sealed the envelope, leaving it on his nightstand.

And then his contractions started.

He didn’t get around to sending it.

-

Claudia was the only person in the room with him when he gave birth.

She held his hand the whole time, coached him through his breathing.

And when his son was born, she pet his head, told Steve how beautiful he is.

-

Steve was slumped face down on the bed.

He had just gotten Oliver down, calmed him down enough for him to finally sleep.

He rolled over, scrubbing a hand down his face.

He had barely slept all week. But Oliver had smiled at him for the first time yesterday.

He turned to lay on his side, zeroing in on the envelope on his nightstand.

He sat up quickly.

Fuck. He needed to send that letter.

He didn’t bother thinking about it, just wrapped his sweater tighter around himself, and hurried to the mailbox. He put the little flag up, leaving the letter in the little inner clasp.

He looked back down at Oliver, running one finger over his fuzzy little head.

-

He didn’t hear from Billy for three weeks.

He knew the letter wouldn’t take more than a few days to get to him, and it would take just as long for Billy to get him back.

He had pushed Billy out of his mind, figured if he wanted to be part of Oliver’s life, he had given him enough of a chance to be.

He put on a thick sweatshirt, had taken to wearing baggy tops to hide his tits, too sore, too big to bind anymore. Oliver squealed at him when he leaned against the side of his crib, reaching out for him.

He strapped him into his stroller to take him on a walk, stopped dead in the doorway.

Billy fucking Hargrove was in the driveway, standing next to the Camaro like he had just gotten out of it.

His eyes were wide, trailing from Steve, to Oliver, and back again.

“Is that my kid?” Billy’s hair was shorter than when he had left.

“Oliver. His name is Oliver.” Billy stepped around the car.

“Can I, can I see him?” Steve brought the stroller down the driveway, taking Oliver out of the stroller.

Billy held him like he was made of gold.

“He’s beautiful.”

“I think he looks a lot like you.” Billy smiled at him.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry I couldn’t get here, I was waiting for my semester to end.”

“It’s okay. I just, you know. Thought you deserved to know about him.” Billy stared at Oliver, his smile going soft as Oliver squealed, tugging on Billy’s hair.

“I want to be in his life. If that’s okay?”

“Of course it is. He’s your son too.” Billy brushed his thumb down Oliver’s nose.

“Thank you, Steve. And I’m, I’m sorry about how I left. I was going to-” he cut himself off, looking back at Oliver. “I was gonna ask you to come with me. Chickened out last minute.”

Steve’s heart was banging against his rips.

“I would’ve gone with you. Used to dream about running away with you.” Oliver started getting fussy, making disgruntled little huffs. Billy passed him back to Steve. “I was in love with you. You know that?”

“Yeah, I knew that. Was to chicken shit to do anything about it.” Billy was still looking at Oliver, the way he nestled into Steve’s neck. “He loves you a lot.”

“It’s been the two of us for awhile.”

“You’re a good dad. Always kinda figured you would be, though.” Billy took another breath. “You know, you could’ve told me sooner. I would’ve come back.”

“I don’t want you to, to change you life. Don’t quit school, or something.”

“Steve, I got a kid. I want to change my life for him. For, for you.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“No never did. I’m choosing this. I’m choosing my family.” Steve hesitated.

“Would you like to come in? Have some breakfast? You could give Oliver his bottle, If you wanted.” Billy’s eyes lit up.

“I’d like that.”

[toonytoodles]

Here's another round of "these would be head canons except it's canon" or "random ideas I had and wrote down and I'm posting them to keep track of all my thoughts"

-

Sofia always gets a little nervous when walking up or down stairs, she's terrified to fall, unfortunately her room is upstairs, and no one knows of this fear

Pond has submechanaphobia (the fear of underwater objects)

Ponds younger sibling Brook has "nicknames" for her and her friends.

"Pon," "Avey," "Memma," "Fia," "Cememine," and the calls both the twins "Anby-n-Anby"

Pond can size shift in a way, being able to be small enough to fit in a glass, or be as big as a lake, she can change her size shape and form under the right conditions, but prefers not to

Andie doesn't swim- it's not that she doesn't know how, she just doesn't like getting wet, and she doesn't like swimsuits

Avery gets bored and thinks about random stuff a lot

The twins have done that cat nose boop to their friends, they were all touched by the sentiment, except for Avery who had to have it explained to her, then she happy-cried about it

Andie and Andy snuggle like actual cats do, often purring as they sleep

Andie is the older and more assertive twin

Every time Andie gets deadnamed Emma looms over the person with an angry look and just says "Her name is Andie." In a dead serious tone. It doesn't happen as often anymore, but I like to think after they run in terror, Emma checks to see if Andie is okay, then needs to be reassured that she's not actually that scary

Sometimes the others can't understand Avery due to her accent, to everyone else it's kinda funny, (though Emma does try REALLY hard to understand), but Avery gets kinda mad, especially if it's important or if she's already upset. Shes especially hard to understand if she's upset/panicking, it kind of sounds like gibberish at that point. That's usually when she gets pancaked by Em.

When Emma first met Sofia she PANICKED cause she had no idea what a dullahan was. Emma just started screaming and panicking, until Clementine and Avery calmed her down and slowly explained that she was fine, that she's supposed to have her head off. Emma didn't completely get it at first, but she's slowly adjusted to it and she understands it now, but then she was so scared. She's really really embarrassed by it, and feels bad about it, and Sofia was scared of her too, so it was just really awkward at first. They're cool now, but at first they wanted to run away from each other upon seeing the other

Avery doesn't like jewelry- it's too much sensory wise, she doesn't like the feel of rings, bracelets, or necklaces, and she can't wear earrings, they won't pierce through her scales

Avery absent mindedly lays on her stomach and is always wearing something that covers her stomach- she doesn't realize it, but it's a survival instinct, as her stomach is one of her biggest weak points. She's almost physically incapable of lying on her back, she can only do it when she's in a safe calm environment where she feels she can't be hurt. But again, this all happens subconsciously, she doesn't notice that she's doing it. Her other huge weak point is her tail, it's important to her balance, and it's directly connected to her spine, so should anything happen to her tail, it could be life or death. This one she is aware of, but there are other reasons she doesn't like people touching her tail in addition to the danger it puts her in. It's uncomfortable for her, it's hers and it's weird to her if you touch it. It's uncomfortable on a couple of levels, it feels uncomfortable and is literally uncomfortable, leave her tail alone. The only exception to this is Emma, and only because it can't always be helped, she might touch her tail some when she sits on her hand. But Emma tries to touch is as little as possible, as she knows how bad it bothers her. (also Avery can lay on her back in Emma's pocket)

Sapphire has a Scottish accent- that's where Avery got it from

Emma and Avery do eventually become a couple, they're just anxious and beat around the bush about it for a while. They're too nervous to tell each other, they're worried about rejection, ruining their friendship, and being good enough for the other. Once they're dating it doesn't change much, except they do call hanging out with each other dates and occasionally do couple things (and Avery does kiss her at one point, which Emma gets all flustered about)

Andie and Andy are identical twins

Andies enchanted flute can implant suggestions into people's minds, and she has the ability to talk to/understand feral animals, this is all she can do because she doesn't want to put in the effort to learning more, and 90% of the time she forgets she can do either

They all have a favorite ice cream flavor!

Avery - Moon berry ice cream with chunks of hot pepper and hot fudge on top

Emma - Chocolate with fudge chunks and chocolate syrup on top

Sofia - Vanilla

Clementine - Coffee flavored ice cream with chocolate syrup and marshmallows

Andie - Neapolitan, preferably in a sundae

Andy - Strawberry with strawberry syrup and when possible, strawberries on top

Andie is secretly scared of balloons

Emma's shoes are slip ons

Andie gets vocal training to sound more feminine, Andy pays for the classes out of his allowance

Emma's house has small platforms and walkways for beans. One of these elevated walk ways leads into Emma's room, where there's a small cubby hole that's a make shift room for beans. Emma set it up for Avery to give her some space when she comes over, she has a big family, and everyone in the family is big, and they all want Averys attention- it can be a bit much. When Avery is in the small room she's officially off limits, with Emma being close by to ward off her siblings. Emma worries about her small friends safety, and sanity, and tries to make accommodations for her, both with her size and her needs.

Averys stims/ticks are: Hand flapping, tail wagging, she has a pressure stim that helps her calm down, her feet claws dig at the ground absent mindedly, her leg bounces when she sits, she pulls on her hair, ocassionally grunts and/or whines, will scream at the top of her lungs when she's pushed past her limit, and rarely, but sometimes she randomly twitches/flinches, and hates when people point it out, like, she's not spasming on purpose, you don't have to be a jerk about it... Emma doesn't stand for it either, so people will shut up about it quickly. Avery doesn't have anything diagnosed, but it's very possible that she has adhd, a sensory processing disorder, an anxiety disorder, and/or is somewhere on the spectrum. I'm not going to officially diagnose her with anything, most of these things are based off myself, and I feel that they also apply to her. These seem very in character, Avery is impulsive, can't sit still, does things without thinking/ not realizing she's doing it, she can't stand certain feelings/sensations/ textures/ tastes, etc., she panics kind of easily, and it escalates quickly, she has several stims/ticks that she uses for basically every emotion, she likes to enclose herself in comfortable small spaces, she has certain people she goes to for comfort, this is all canon already, I've discussed most of it before, I just thought I'd try to list it all out for my own reference

In Averys particular subspecies, there's no way to tell what the sex of the draconic is before it hatches. Her parents debated on a while about various male/female names, but they didn't want to keep referring to the egg as "the egg," or "the baby," as they didn't just think of the egg as an object, so they decided wanted on a gender neutral name for the egg so it could work for either, eventually deciding on Avery

Emma has anxiety about accidentally hurting her small friends, sometimes causing nightmares and makes her want to distance herself from them

Emma doesn't like being upside down (she learned this when she accidentally shrunk herself down to borrower size and Avery accidentally picked her up upside down in a panic)

After buying new clothes, Sofia often sets her head on her bed then does a small fashion show to see how it looks on her- she finds it's one of the few benefits of being a dullahan

Clementine LOVES mind puzzles and being able to problem solve, anything that poses a challenge excites her

Sofia often carries her pet snake on her shoulders, wearing her ball python as a boa

Avery loves sour candy, Emma prefers chocolate, Clementine likes m&ms and small candies that can be eaten while studying, also she considers grass and raisins a candy, something that is a debate amongst her friends, Sofia likes gummies, Andie likes candy bars, and Andy likes hard candies, Pond doesn't eat, so she can't eat candy, but would absolutely love chocolate covered almonds if she could taste them

Pond can do impressions- she often likes to mimic Avery and Andie because she finds accents funny, for some reason? She doesn't really know what it is about them, she just finds them hilarious

Emma is determined to find a way to hug Pond, she will hug water, she'll figure it out someday...

Out of all their friends, Emma only trusts herself to help Avery when she really needs it. It's not that she doesn't trust anyone else, it's just that, well, she doesn't think her friends can handle it. Emma's little brother Aaron has a lot of the same struggles as Avery, so Emma's a little more knowledgeable and understanding than the others. Not to say that the others aren't understanding, but they're often confused or flustered or even scared of Averys behavior sometimes, whereas Emma sees her struggling and attempts to help. The others can't do much most of the time, whereas Emma can help her out by giving her a small squish to help her decompress, put her in her pocket when she needs to be alone, she's scared, upset, tired, etc.,and knows how to talk to her to help her calm down, and she's good at figuring out what it is that she needs/wants when she gets too elevated and is panicking and/or shutting down

[oh-no-toshinori]

#2, Pride Month Story

Hey, I'm back for another pride story! This one will surround the fandom of Haikyu!! / Haikyuu!! I'll be using a random OC for this one. They'll be known as Raidon Katsuo, Katsuo being their first name for those who don't know which way the names will be going for this. Some background about this person is that they changed their name long ago, and students are starting to create rumors about Katsuo. Trigger Warning! This has mentions of bullying and harassment against Transgender Student(s)! I'm writing this based off of things I've witnessed and experienced myself.

- - -

Looking around in English Class, I see students snickering and leering behind them to look in my direction. I sit lower in my seat, fully aware and absolutely uncomfortable with the attention I'm getting. I had no idea what they were talking about, and I wish I never found out.

Before I know it, the bell rings, signifying the end of the day. Classes were finally over for the day for most kids, but for me it meant that I had to make my way to the gym for Volleyball practice. Nishinoya and Tanaka tried to convince me to join the Volleyball Team, and sadly the two were absurdly convincing. I joined the team about a month ago, and let me tell ya, I love it on the court.

As I make my way through the halls, I continue to see peers staring and looking confused. Some looked as if they were getting a kick out of what was being said. It seemed to be a rumor about me, but I didn't want to assume. Looking around me, I seemed to have been left out; the only student that was actually walking through the seemingly empty corridor. Maybe the rumors were about me?

I didn't want to overthink it. Maybe it was just something harmless such as kissing someone on the cheek or the having the lowest grade-

"I heard his name was actually Raidon Amaya. Do you think that's true?" "I don't know, but that's quite a silly name for a guy." "Maybe he was a girl?" "Ew, a girl turning into a guy? That means he has cooties or something!" "Don't be immature, it just means that he's actually a she, and we should address him as so instead of using something that isn't a lie." "She's right."

My heart stopped. That's not who I am! How did anyone figure out my deadname? I started feeling sick as my mind started to spin. My stomach started churning, and ultimately I knew that I was gonna puke. I dashed my way into the male's restroom, taking myself into a stall right before the waterfall. I splurged out anything that I had eaten today, the back of my throat becoming irritated with each and every heave I had.

How did anyone find out this information? That was my information to share, not theirs. And I sure as hell was not ready to share it.

About ten minutes pass before my stomach and diaphragm were ready to calm down. I stand to my feet weakly and make my way to the sinks after flushing the toilet. I wash my hands and face thoroughly and make my way over to the disposable paper towels.

Suddenly, a hand smacks itself onto the wall, startling me before I can even rip a single sheet of paper towel off to dry my face. I look up to the perpetrator. I immediately see a dark smile on his face along with the two other males standing right behind him.

"Can I help you?" I croak out, my vocals and throat damaged by my stomach acid.

"Katsuo, or should we say Amaya," They sneer as I hesitate to throw up more, "You don't belong in this bathroom. It's the men's washroom, not the women's. Can't ya read the signs?"

"Excuse me, but I am a dude. I don't really know how you got this information, but whoever told you this lied to you." I try to turn around so I can leave, but a hand grabs my shoulders and pulls me back into the wall.

The bigger male of the three pins my front to the wall, my back facing them. The leader of the group comes up to me and whispers in my ear. "Of I catch ya coming in here again, you're toast. Got it?"

I nod, but deep down I know he's in the wrong. I am a male and nobody can tell me otherwise. I'm not a female, and nothing inside of me has ever screamed at me to be a female. I will not go back. Ever.

They let me go and I make sure to scurry out of the restroom. I didn't have much time left to get to practice- hold on, I'm Late! There is no time to waste anymore!

I start walking faster, unable to run but capable of speed-walking. My tread lasts about five minutes before I burst into the gymnasium out of breath and ready to puke again.

The volleyball players all look at me. Daichi looked annoyed while others looked confused and concerned. Hinata was off in space once again and quite frankly I was relieved by that.

"Raidon, where have you been?" Daichi asks whilst using his leadership voice. . . that's what I called it anyways.

"Hold on Daichi, he doesn't look so well." Asahi intervenes. "Are doing okay? You're extremely pale and you look like you're about to collapse." He walks towards me.

Subconsciously my body makes the decision to back up - I had no idea I was backing up until the brunette put his hands up and stopped walking closer to me. I mutter an apology and rub the back of my head, the cold sweats from when I had become sick starting to come back.

"Katsuo, this isn't like you, is everything okay?" Yachi asks as her concern comes forward.

"Guys, before you hear the rumors, I need to tell you something about me that nobody else knows." I can't just do that! I'm not even being blackmailed, so why am I even telling these people? I don't know them that well! Maybe I do know them. Well enough to at least be comfortable to share who I am. Will this cause me to leave the teach? No! I can't tell them! I might lose my spot and be forced to join the female volleyball team! What am I thinking?!

"I don't want this to change our relationships with each other, especially since I'm the same Katsuo that I've ever been." My body begins to panic, not just mt mind. My hands shake like crazy as I collapse to my feet. I was weak, scared, and already sick of the rumors that had been going on for just a day. It only took a day for people to wanna bully me, so I guess whatever. man.

"I'm transgender."

Blank stares.

"Guys, what does transgender mean?" Hinata asks innocently.

"It means that Katsuo was born as a girl, but his mind is telling him that he's a boy." Kageyama responds in a matter-of-fact manner.

This only confuses Hinata, but Sugawara tells Hinata to not worry about it. He ultimately tells Hinata that I'm a guy and leaves it at that. Bless Hinata's innocent soul.

"I mean if you're a guy then just stay on this court." Takeda announces loudly from the other side of thecourt.

"Well, I will since I love it here, but can we please keep this between us? I'm already being bullied and I don't really want the bullying to progress." My voice started sounding more strained as my exhaustion starts to kick in.

"Whoever bullies you will get a piece of us!" Tanaka shouts, his anger and passion showing more than it always does.

"Yeah!" Nishinoya agrees. They both jump and show off their muscles which only causes me to laugh.

"Thank you guys. I never intended to tell you, but I wanted to get to it before the rumors spread."

Daichi walks up to me, the expression on his face solemn. "I'm sorry for misunderstanding. You're welcome to be open with us. We're all crazy goons with some sort of weird tale up our sleeves. We accept you for who you are." He holds out his hand for me to take.

Does he really expect me to stand up? I ask myself. I take his hand anyways and he pulls me to my feet. I stumble a bit but regain my ground kind of quickly.

"Let's continue to make memories as we should, alright? You're no different than before you told us. Nobody here will see you any different, alright?" Sugawara tells me. I nod, a small and weak smile crawling onto my face. I get to continue to work with this team, and nobody here sees me any different. Thank god.

[omo-kink-blog]

Being a trans guy with a piss kink

So, this is kind of a result of this week for several reasons and about as personal as I will ever get, more than I ever expected to be on a social media platform.

It took fucking years to be okay with the piss kink that started off as only desperation and wetting, not watersports. I didn’t tell anyone because what’s the first kink people kinkshame? “It’s not like you’re into piss or anything, so it can’t be that weird.” At least three occasions in college I felt that terrible “but I am, but thanks for reminding me this isn’t a safe place for that,” in my friend group. Which was fine, I didn’t rely on their support for that. I knew and quite frankly wanted to be alone in that. I didn’t fantasize about friends or real people, it was mostly fictional characters, which led me to believe I was ace for quite some time.

So, from a young age, I’d had a fascination with standing to pee. I wanted to be able to do that from a very young age. I tried on a handful of occasions a few years before puberty. I was frustrated when I couldn’t do that, no matter what I tried. I kind of gave up after puberty. When I discovered I might be trans, it made sense but I wasn’t in a position to really do anything about it. When I realized I absolutely was trans, I tried some home made things that definitely didn’t work. When I was 21, I think, I invested in an STP device, a cheap ass one that was supposed to be somewhat easy to use. I’d already been binding and male presenting for at least a year, this was what I thought was my final obstacle to being comfortable being a man, if that makes any sense.

Some time before, I realized I was conditioned in a very negative way to not being able to use the men’s room. Thank fuck I was a trans guy and not a trans woman after reading the horror stories of trans women in women’s public restrooms or I don’t think I would be able to get over it.

I remember the whole “go with me” movement that was a thing. It works for women and I, at the time, would have gone with a trans woman into the women’s restroom (I did not pass as a man in any way, I definitely didn’t feel as though I belonged in men’s spaces, though using the women’s restroom gave me hella dyphoria). However, good fucking luck asking men to go to the bathroom with you because you don’t feel safe or comfortable. I’ve felt comfortable asking maybe 2 or 4 men to do that and I have never felt the need bad enough to ask them to accompany me. It was bad enough asking several coworkers if they’d be potentially comfortable enough to “allow me to use the men’s restroom,” followed by a conversation with my conservative male bosses about that topic. Yeah, fuck that. I’ll get to that, I guess.

I wasn’t one to willingly get desperate in public. It was more of a fantasy, so I didn’t appreciate not having access to a restroom, especially when I needed just a fucking moment of peace or simply just to fucking pee, wash my hands, or even blow my fuckin’ nose (mostly an issue at work at my current job).

In college, I had a group of friends who were cis men who were super supportive. One was from high school who wasn’t supportive to begin with but I came to be very close with him in college because he matured. Another was a straight male who was the definition of “ally.” He was the first person to use he/him pronouns in regard to me and the fucking lightbulb went off. I was not genderfluid, I could not be genderfluid. I was a man. There were other things in that span of time that clued me in but that was a big thing. I felt comfortable. I felt RIGHT when he used those pronouns with me. I asked my friend group to continue to do so. Given that there were many other trans people (binary and otherwise) changing their names and pronouns, it wasn’t a big deal at all. People messed up, /I/ messed up. It took quite some time and effort for myself to adjust to using the right pronouns and name. Even today, it takes effort to not immediately turn around to someone saying “ma’am” or “miss.” I haven’t heard my deadname outside of my house in years, so that’s not a big thing.

That same person who used the right pronouns for the first time has also traumatized me a great deal. I don’t think he meant to and I don’t think he knows. It still hurts and affects me more than I would like.

In college, this group of cis men decided to tell me it was okay that I used the men’s locker room to change to go swimming with them. Considering my university didn’t have a gender neutral locker room within probably 0.4 miles, a few buildings over, I didn’t really want to walk half a mile out of my way just to fucking change. Before this, I hyped myself up to use the men’s room, a single stall restroom, in the library, first at 3 in the morning when we decided to pull an all nighter. It was a big step. It may not have seemed like it to anyone else, but I was so conditioned that I felt odd using the men’s room in the library even if it was a single-stall. Often I used that restroom just to avoid the dysphoria of using the women’s room if I didn’t want to use the one gender neutral restroom on campus in the one buildings’ basement.

I trusted them at their word. Surely they knew and would be honest enough with me. If they didn’t feel comfortable enough to do so, they would have said so, right? So I took them at face value. I think it was only one of them with the issue but unfortunately his response masked those around him and now I kind of lump them all into one, as unfortunate as that is. I was alone on one side while the others were together on another side. At some point, I felt the need to ask a question, I guess, and went to the other side. Their response was pure discomfort at having me in the vicinity. My immediate response was understandment, which I fucking hate. It shouldn’t have been discomfort. I shouldn’t have understood and conceded in a way that made it seem like I didn’t belong there. My fucking FRIENDS should not have acted like I was a stranger who didn’t belong. They shouldn’t have told me they were okay with it when they clearly weren’t. I say they. I mean one person. I don’t specifically recall any other reactions because this one reaction was strong enough.

I didn’t dare enter another men’s room or men’s locker room for fucking ages, for a couple years, at least, until after I was on hormones.

So, fast forward to after college. I’m in a job where we take inventory of different places. This means we enter new buildings every day. Often they don’t have gender neutral restrooms. I started this job without being out as trans. My aunt had a major factor in me being brought on. She didn’t know so I had to tell her and then out myself to everyone else, all 60+ people that I work with on varying occasions. It was stressful. Before I even knew all of their names, I was awkwardly trying to out myself as trans.

I left a job where people had finally accepted I was trans. I had a boss who asked whatever came to mind without thinking they were offensive, which was fine with me. I’m used to being the first trans person people encounter, I’m used to the weird (maybe offensive), invasive questions. I answer because they’re mostly asked out of curiosity rather than malicious ignorance. I answer in a way that I hope shows that I’m okay with those types of questions but the next trans person they encounter may not be. I try to educate. My previous boss asked me if I would prefer them to put a lock on the door to the men’s room so I would feel comfortable using the men’s room. I never answered them, but their support was enough, honestly. I had another boss who apologized profusely for misgendering me, but she tried to get the right pronouns. She was one of those who apologized too much. I loved her and her effort, but I did not need the speech each time “It just takes time, it’s hard for me.” I completely get it, I still misgendered myself at the time, I certainly wasn’t going to judge others for doing the same goddamn thing. I didn’t appreciate the few people who didn’t even fucking try, but it’s whatever now.

I missed them when I started this job. I worked (work?) with a lot of men. I work with some women, but it’s a lot of cishet men who are older and white (comes with the area, I guess). They scared me. I did not want to come out to them. I wore buttons, I made jokes, I did pretty much anything to avoid straight-up saying “I’m a trans man, please use my pronouns.” Some caught on, some did not. Some that I thought would have issues caught on quite quickly (so quickly that they were gendering me correctly within a month of me starting hormones, so I definitely didn’t pass). I couldn’t hold it against people for misgendering me considering they met me as my aunt’s “niece.” My aunt’s response was “neice, nephew, doesn’t make any difference to me.” It was the best response I’d gotten from a family member, by far.

I started hormones a few months into this job. I wasn’t supposed to. I wasn’t supposed to start hormones while living at home, for fear of my grandmother finding out. My parent and I had an understanding. I broke that understanding. I was 22 and I did not want to wait anymore. I told them after I got my first shot. They were hurt initially but there wasn’t anything they could do. I was an adult and I had made my decision. Initially, they told me I needed to shave consistently and keep my voice high, but it hasn’t caused an issue so far. My grandmother has only noticed my hairy legs (which can easily be explained away with not shaving, I guess).

There was one team leader I enjoyed working with and I respected at this new job. He apologized for not catching on right away but I was only wearing buttons to out myself. I had/have a hard time telling people who met me as a woman. He still caught on quite quickly. He barely messed up with pronouns after he caught on. He never gave me the whole “it takes time,” thing. Men seemed to have more of an issue with me being a trans guy, so I kind of let my guard down with him being so accepting. I wasn’t used to men being so accepting of trans people. I developed feelings, but at this point I realized I had already realized I was poly and realized I cared more for his happiness than actually wanting to be with him, if that makes sense. I didn’t want to be with him, I wanted him to be happy with his relationship with his girlfriend and their kid. I appreciated his support at work and maybe relied on that a little too much at times (I broke down crying in front of him, something I regret, and talk to him about trans issues maybe a bit too much, because he’s one of the few that might be able to sympathize).

So, at some point we had a travel store that ended up being just me and him. He mentioned at some point, when we were almost there, that he needed to pee, you know, every person into omo’s fantasy. I took the opportunity to mention that he was lucky that he could just use the restroom without issue. We had a pretty nice discussion in which I expressed my desire to use the men’s room without repercussions. I talked to him about how he might personally feel, how those we work with might feel, and we were pretty much on the same page with it. He seemed more aware about trans issues than many other cis men I’d talked to. It was nice to have someone so aware but still so supportive at work. I found myself to be rather appreciative of this and the fact that I really appreciated his work ethic. Surprise, surprise, I ended up catching feelings, something I’ve been dealing with for the past year now. His kid and his girlfriend are fucking adorable and if anything happens to them, I’d hate life even more than I do now.

The more I learn about him, the more I hate it and myself. But that’s a different story. The reason I include him is this week.

I was working in one of his stores, as one does. Break time came around and I wanted to make sure no one else was in the restroom, so I waited a couple minutes. I’d been working with another older cis guy who kept referring to me as she/her, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t catch his attention using the men’s room. He’s a nice guy, but I don’t think he’s caught onto the fact I’m a guy. Additionally, I don’t want certain workers to see me use the men’s room. So, I waited a few minutes. Considering I really had to fucking pee, it was a process. I had drank water all night and had tea in the morning.. I have a pretty sizeable bladder, to the extent that it’s not a big deal to wait 8 or 12 hours. I was already self conscious about using a stall vs the urinal because fucking toxic masculinity, despite reading up on male etiquette. Right before I went in, the supervisor (who I know too fucking much about in this respect) and that one man were talking so I thought I could just slip away. 40 seconds later I hear shuffling. Now, I have issues exiting a stall after hearing someone come in. I don’t want people to see me in the men’s room. I’m fucking paranoid and think it’s the guy that has been calling me she/her all week. I exit anyway. Turns out it’s the supervisor. I instantly enter panic mode. I immediately think it’s because I have feelings and a piss kink and watched him drive desperate less than a week ago as well as being jealous over actually being able to piss on the side of a building because of desperation over waiting for the manager to open the building. I made jokes, of course, because that’s how I deal with feelings and dysphoria, because how could a cis guy even begin to comprehend? Thinking about it after that day, I realized that I was more worried about him freaking out on me using the men’s room because “I don’t belong!” because that’s what happened before. I know logically he won’t, but it was the panic attack and the illogical fear that he would turn on me that caused my heart rate to rise and my flight/flight response. It was due to that one time before that caused me to think my friends (or at least supportive coworkers) could just as easily turn on me. I currently trust strangers more than I do people who know me when it comes to this stuff, because thanks to the hormones, I pass better. I get misgendered a lot less. I feel almost like I belong in men’s spaces. Even still, I hesitate every time before I enter a men’s restroom. So many “what if”s pass through my head and ultimately that one exchange passes through my head. “Do I pass enough to keep the next cis guy like him from causing issues?” “If my ‘friends’ have issues with it, surely strangers will?”

It wasn’t arousal at all, as I’d thought, it was PTSD from that incident with my college friends. I was so paranoid that he’d ‘turn’ on me, despite all the evidence that showed otherwise, that I couldn’t think. All I could think is that he was the one that followed me in, if he had issues with it then he should have waited, then he can’t say that I didn’t belong....... A long line of defenses that I shouldn’t need to think of. I shouldn’t have to hesitate before entering a men’s restroom. I shouldn’t think of all the bad things that could happen if I enter a men’s room if I don’t pass well enough. I certainly shouldn’t have to think of all the bad things that can and will happen to trans women who don’t ‘pass enough’ for cis women or cis men to use women’s spaces and who get physically harmed because of it.

Probably a few days later, I decided to pull that STP I bought out again. I had a terrible time with it before. I wasn’t able to use it in the shower without leaking a fuck ton, to the extent that I wouldn’t be able to use it in public. I gave up years ago when I tried. I tried again in the shower and had issues. I tried again just outside the shower and leaked a significant amount, but not as much as I would have thought. I tried again and leaked only a few drops. It was significant progress, more than I ever thought I’d get. It became a possibility, to the point that I wanted to use men’s restrooms to practice instead of using the bathroom at home because unless I had water running, it would be easy to hear the difference and I didn’t want my parent catching on.

So, I waited the other day, more than I should have. I left my job without using the restroom because I didn’t have to go, but my parent picked me up and took me to the hospital where my grandmother was getting surgery that lasted longer than it should have. I had half an hour before I had to leave so I figured I’d wait to use a men’s room on the way so I could practice. Of course, I brought extra underwear just in case, but the coffee shop I stopped at was cleaning the men’s room. Then I went to the wrong meet point, so I ended up having to leave the extra pair of underwear in my car 70 miles away and hoping for the best when I got to the travel store. I took my chances using the STP I have, but I only leaked a few drops, a manageable amount, especially for having a full bladder and a detachable dick. It’d be so much better to practice at home, but God forbid I get any fucking privacy anytime.

I’m doing better than I thought I ever would, but I still haven’t even tried to use a urinal. It’s difficult using a cheap-ass STP that I can’t really pack with, so I have to pull it out of my pocket, position it, and then use, then pack away again. It’s an 8 inch thing that isn’t exactly easy to unpack and pack away. I plan to invest in a better one eventually, but my job hasn’t been scheduling me for a lot of hours, so I don’t want to spend the money just yet. I want to practice in private, usually a stall, before I even attempt to try to use a urinal. It’s a process I’m not comfortable with yet. I’m trying and I’ve made so much more progress than I ever thought I would, but I’m not /there/ yet.

Side note: Another older gentleman came face to face to me coming out of the men’s room at a store, someone I work with. Since then, he seemed to catch on to the whole I’m a guy thing. I aspire to make the cis men at my work that may have issues with trans people to see me (and therefore all trans men) as “real” men. I understand that not all men use urinals or stand to pee, but it’s something I’ve wanted to do since before I realized I was a trans man. It would also make me more comfortable using men’s restrooms.

[aita-deaddoe]

oh hi i didn't think this'd be actually posted since there wasn't really any person-to-person conflict/sort of a nonissue. mostly sent this ask cause i was just bored one night and wanted something to submit but good to know i was in fact overthinking this dilemma

one thing that makes me second guess myself though is a few days ago i did actually run into someone who took issue with it. i don't know if i should put this in a new submission since theres more nuance that might skew the votes but since it's concerning the same topic i'll just add it as an update.

i was in a discord server (for the fandom) that i'm not very active in and someone was asking for headcanons in the headcanons channel so i sent '[character] is trans and his deadname was [dead sister's name]' which in hindsight makes me cringe bc. maybe sort of uncalled for in a server w people you don't know. but i was having late night fic brainrot and just wanted to talk to some new people about trans interpretations of his canon backstory, and that was the most concise way i could put it.

that was very much a bad idea though!!!! one person said 'the deadname is CRAZY' and after i sort of neutrally said thank you they decided to further elaborate that their msg was not a compliment. so okay. another person just said oH MY GOD which is basically my reaction every time i think about it too so thats fine. last person though decided to express to me clearly that my headcanon gave him the ick (complete with 🤢 emoji) and told me that headcanoning deadnames was cringe. i probably should've apologized to him but i did say he had a good point, yet sort of passive aggressively asked him why he needed to tell this to me instead of just blocking me? since i feel like 'dont ask dont read' should apply to headcanons especially in a dedicated headcanon channel? but he just sarcastically apologized to me and didnt really give me any more info after that, just sort of started parroting my server nickname at me (ours were both along the lines of 'babygirl [random male character]') which would have admittedly been very funny if i didnt feel like throwing up out of stress at that point.

anyways i ended up leaving the server several hours after everything fizzled out bc even if i was the one in the wrong, everyones mannerisms made me realize the general server demographic was teenage tiktok users (distinct age group from teenage tumblr users) and i probably didn't have much to do there anyway. a different member of the server actually reached out to me in dms making sure i was okay, that they liked my headcanon & understood what i meant with it, and telling me they were gonna add more rules to make sure disagreements didnt get to that point in the future. which i thought was really really kind but i do feel bad that i apparently shook up the way the whole server was run and then promptly left. i also showed the whole conversation to some other friends of mine and they said i definitely did nothing wrong so thats something i guess. sidenote i've shared my headcanon/au with them and other friends in the past and they were all very enthusiastic about it which i guess is why i was caught so off guard in the other server.

i do think that the guy who was beefing with me could've (and should've) just ignored my headcanon and blocked me if he didn't like it. but i probably should've been more careful about sharing such a weird headcanon, or at least worded it better. idk. AITA now?

AITA for headcanoning deadnames for trans characters for symbolism purposes?

im a trans guy (minor if it matters) who's been a fan of this one show for a little over a year. none of the characters are canonically trans, but there's a lot of trans allegories to be drawn from the material if you're me or my mutuals at least. the two main characters are both male and i ended up developing an au where they're both explicitly transmasc as a way for me to just explore trans themes in an alternate narrative. i haven't begun writing it yet but definitely plan to once i feel like it's solidly locked in my brain, and i've been sharing snippets & concepts every so often.

part of this was thinking of how they would've chosen their current names, and name symbolism got me considering what they would've changed them away from as well. one character i thought could've initially been named after his mother so i can draw contrasts between the two, and the name i decided on for her has a meaning that highlights her relationship with her father (and the character's relationship with his father in turn); it's also the name of the character's daughter figure in the show. a lot of the other main character's backstory kind of revolves around his dead sister, so i thought by making his deadname that sister's name then i could turn that into an allegory about transness and childhood and sibling death (and sororicide but we don't have time to unpack all that). i don't plan on ever explicitly referring to the characters by their deadname in the narration, except maybe in an ironic tone, but i think it would be cool to sort of sprinkle in references as subtext to just give the readers something more to chew on.

the thing is i've seen posts around talking about how nice it is to make trans characters/headcanons without once considering their deadnames, or how weird it is for people to consider them, and i definitely agree with the sentiment; one of the biggest goals for many trans people is for their past selves to be completely irrelevant, and i feel a bit guilty for perpetuating something so painful for the general community.

but i still don't think i'm an asshole in any way since these are literally just characters and obviously i'm not going around talking about real people's deadnames or anything. i just don't want to make people uncomfortable/trigger dysphoria if they find someone talking about deadnames for a trans charactsr they're attached to (i've definitely had that happen myself when reading trans fics, enough that i had to stop reading, and i don't know how you'd even tag for something like that). if the general gut reaction to this ask is negative then i'll probably consider just not talking about the deadnames unless someone asks about it, since they're not crucial to the plot at all, just some uhh not so fun tidbits.

anyway sorry this is so long for something i feel like might be a non-issue that i'm overthinking. if you somehow guessed the fandom have a chocolate 🫀 if you're one of my few mutuals who knows who i am from the details of the au then um pretend you didnt see this post.

What are these acronyms?

[transgendermusic]

A.W. Weiss on Living Room Tours, Their Dead Name, and Still Being Emo

Listen to Season 1, Episode 3 of the Trans Music Podcast by clicking the player above, or listen on: iTunes - Spotify - Stitcher - Google Play Music - Bandcamp

Do you know that Robyn song, Call Your Girlfriend? Well for a long time, I thought it was written by this week’s guest, A.W. Weiss, because their cover of the song is just so great.

I’ve listened to A.W.’s music for a long time, so I was so excited that I had the opportunity to interview them when they stopped in Chapel Hill, North Carolina on their living room tour a couple months ago. We had to do the interview pretty quickly, because they had a show to put on, but we still got to talk about their new sound, their new country music project, and transitioning as an already-famous person.

Riley: So the last time that I saw you play was in 2015. You were on tour with Mal Blum and Kid in the Attic promoting your last album; it was really good. A.W. Weiss: Yeah, that was a great tour. And since then, you've changed your name…

Mmhmm.

Come out as nonbinary…

Yup.

Gone blond…

Sure have!

And left your label.

Ha! Well, my label left me, but that's a whole thing in and of itself. Do you want to talk about it?

If you want to kick it off. Yeah, let's kick it off with that note! Kick it off with that! Earlier this year, the label I was on decided to not be a label anymore, which is a bummer, 'cause they were really cool before. And then they kind of restructured, I guess we'll say, to be diplomatic. They're not putting out records anymore, essentially.

Okay, so it wasn't just you. No, it wasn't just me. It was everybody on the label. How do you restructure and not put out records anymore? You become what is called a catalog label, which means you just keep making the stuff that you've already made and sell it online and distribute it, and stuff like that. Super boring. Essentially not a label. Sure, like a copyright holder. Yeah, something like that. So yeah, that's kind of what happened, which was at first really scary, 'cause I was under contract to make a couple more records with them. So I was like, "What am I gonna do now?" But I'm sort of embracing being independent. Cool. How is touring without label support? You know, I've never really had label support because I've never been on the kind of label that really gives that kind of support, as far as financial stuff goes. So I'm kind of just touring the same way I've always been touring, aside from the fact that this particular tour is in people's living rooms instead of in venues.

Has it been cool playing small shows? Yeah, I love it personally. It's been kind of my favorite way to tour so far, actually, 'cause I feel like the way I perform, especially when I'm solo, really lends itself to this super intimate... like, I talk a lot, so it's nice in people's living rooms. It makes more sense than in a bar. Sure. I'm excited to see part of your set tonight. It's been fun.

Say What You Mean by A.W.

An old song of A.W.’s that I sing in the car a lot.

So you're playing just you on guitar?

Yep, just me.

That's really cool. 

Thanks! 

Has it been hard promoting stuff with the new name?

Yeah, and I am totally cool with people saying "(formerly Allison Weiss)" in parenthesis, or whatever, but also, because I'm so excited about the changes and everything, I just kind of forget to tell people that's okay. And I think people who promote the shows are very nice, and so they don't automatically assume they can say that, so then as a result... I actually had the first show of touring in L.A., somebody came to the show and he came up and talked to me at the merch table afterwards. He was like, "You know, it's really funny, I've been listening to your music for 10 years, but I didn't realize until I got here, because I just got the email in my inbox that said 'A.W.', and I was like, 'Oh, that sounds cool,' and then it wasn't till I was watching you play that I recognized the songs and was like, 'Oh, I know this artist!'" 

So I love that somebody literally came to a show just because they were like, "Oh, whose mailing list is this?" And then they realized at the show that they already knew who I was.

That says good things about that person. That's adventurous.

Yeah, it does, actually. That's an adventurous person who's just down to go see a show.

It's actually really nice to hear that people don't assume they can deadname you all the time.

Yeah, right? It's been cool, actually, that that hasn't happened. I mean, the only times it really happens is people accidentally come to shows and don't know. And they'll be like, "I'm so excited to see you," and use my old name and stuff. Then I usually don't say anything until I'm onstage, and then I announce it, and I'm sure they're like, "Oh no!"

Oh, God. So you have to come out constantly.

Yeah, I kind of have to come out constantly. But I knew, because I've been playing music for 10 years under my old name, that that was gonna be something that was gonna have to happen. So I'm prepared for it.

That's still rough.

It's still rough, but I'm prepared for it, so it's okay. You know what I mean? That's how my weirdo brain works. I feel like if I can prepare for chaos, then it's not as stressful.

I can see that. I can definitely see that. So tell me about your new country music project.

I've got a new country music project. It's, like, Americana. I actually don't really know how it's gonna turn out recorded. All I know is when I get back to L.A., I wanna play some shows; I wanna be a band. But I've been writing a bunch of songs on this tour for this project, which I'm calling Charlie Mountain. [Note: it’s spelled Charlie Mtn.]

Solo for now? Yeah. Well it's funny that I have a new band that's also just me. So I intend to perform with a band, and solo sometimes; we'll see what happens.

What inspired you to go in that direction? I sort of realized that a lot of the songs I write start out as folky country songs, and then I will produce them into pop songs. But then, especially on older records, there always ended up being soft, folky, country sort of songs that didn't, to me, really fit in with the other ones, but I put them on there anyway 'cause I really liked them. And now that I, with my A.W. project, am moving even more in the pop vein, the folky stuff fits even less. It's funny because I don't really have a southern accent, but when I saw your name it really comes out, 'cause I keep wanting to call you "A. Dubya." A. Dubya! You're right, it just rolls off the tongue! [Both laugh]  Every time I'm telling people, "Oh, I'm gonna interview A. Dubya this weekend," it's like, no. No, I like it! A lot of my friends have taken to calling me "A. Dubs" or "Dubs," or stuff like that. Or "Dubya" even, which is funny 'cause of the ex-president. But I don't mind it; I like it.

So you just put out a single, Different Now.

Yeah, a couple weeks ago. And you did it alone. Tell me about making it, putting it together, deciding to release it. Well, it was a song that I recorded. I originally intended for it to come out at the same time as the last single I put out, which was Runaway, like a year or so ago. And then stuff just kept getting delayed with the label and we didn't really know what to do with it. So it was just like, delay, delay, delay, delay. And then finally I was like, "Man, I really love this song, and my voice is changing. I need to get this out before it's too different from how I sound right now, before it's weird." So I used TuneCore, one of those do-it-yourself things, and just put it on Spotify, 'cause I was like, "Who cares? I just want it out. I just wanna put it out."

It's a great song. It's also so pop. It is 100% pop music. Thank you! I really love how it turned out, and I hope that a lot of people hear it, but you know what? If they don't, that's chill too. Oh yeah, so you have to do all the promotion yourself? Yeah, pretty much. Man, okay. I put it on the website. I really like it. Thank you! I love that.

You just got married recently, right? Two years ago now. Two years on October 29, yeah. Congratulations! That's what I'm trying to get home for. It was like, "You can go on tour all by yourself for a whole month as long as you're home by the anniversary," and I'm like, "Okay." Gotta like, drive across Texas. Get home. That's reasonable. So you write a lot of love songs. How has the love song writing process changed after being a married person? Oh my gosh, I love that you asked this because I literally have a bit that I say on stage about how people ask, "How do you write songs now that you're in a relationship?" And I say, "Luckily I never get over anything," which is legit how I write songs. I have a stack of journals from my youth that sometimes I go through. I'm a very nostalgic person; I'm also a very obsessive person, so I can go over the same memory a billion times for my entire life. Just keep mining it for that material. Exactly! Straight up, that's a good way to think of it, yeah. I mine every heartbreak I've ever had for those types of songs, for sure. You're just like, "I've been happily married for 20 years, but man. That girl in high school? Fuck that girl." There were straight up songs about high school relationships on the record I put out in 2015. So yeah, you're not wrong.

They hit you really hard though, high school relationships.

It's true, they're some of the most powerful. I've actually been trying to embrace the way that I felt then as something that I can still feel now as an adult. 'Cause I feel like there's the label of being emo, and that sort of shit. But I feel like, thanks to the internet, there's a whole community of people who are my age still, and who still wanna talk about feelings, and listen to emo music, and be nostalgic, and still do that. So I'm like, "I don't need to necessarily grow up. I can still be emo and write emo songs." I feel like as you get older, your friends also don't wanna hear about it. Like when you're 15, your friends are all like, "Oh my God... so dramatic." And then when you're an adult, your friends are like, "Oh, they ghosted you? Cool…?" Yeah, they're like, "Oh yeah, that's because you're..." Yeah, I don't even know what they're saying. But totally. Friends don't care as much. So I can write those things into songs. So what's next for you? I am figuring that out. I think that's what part of this tour is about for me. Since I decided to do this by myself, I don't have anybody helping me drive, so it's just me out here, all alone. I'm trying to figure out what I want and what I wanna do. And I think that that's just, like, write songs and play shows. So I think I'm gonna be doing a lot more of this living room touring, because for someone like me, I've got a smaller, but very excited, rabid fanbase. So playing these living room shows is a way that I can do what I do, and it's still sustainable, so it's pretty exciting. I'm actually really stoked on it. So hopefully I'll put together another one, maybe for the spring or something like that. And then I wanna make a Charlie Mtn. record, and I gotta make a new A.W. record, so, just gotta write a lot of songs. 

A song from the Charlie Mtn. project that was in the soundtrack to Far Cry 5, a video game.

It's been going well, though? 'Cause you're halfway through the month.

Oh yeah, it's been great. I love it. I'm kind of sad that it's gonna be over soon. But I'm sure after driving 36 hours through Texas, I will be ready to be home. You know, maybe sleep in my own bed.

I'm sure. That's really cool. [Notices the time is 7:52 pm] So it's about time for you to go on stage-

I love that you say "on stage" too, because it's just my backdrop I set up. And I get on stage at, like, 7:59 for the 8:00 pm show. 7:52 pm is like, "We've got plenty of time." 

Just for context for those listening, what kind of car is this?

This is a sweet Chevy Malibu. I think it's the newest one; it's a rental car.

We're in a rental Chevy Malibu in someone's driveway in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. They are about to go on a stage that they constructed out of poles and cloth in someone's living room. There's about eight queers sitting on the couch.

So far! Hopefully there's more by the time it starts. I think this one's 15 people maybe, so it's gonna be nice and intimate.

A.W. in their rented Chevy Malibu

We've literally watched people walk around the car trying to find what door they're supposed to go in, 'cause it's just someone's house. And everyone seems really excited. It's really cool.

Yeah, I think it's gonna be good. Well, thanks for talking to me. Yeah, thank you for chilling in my rental car. Oh yeah! [Both laugh] 

After we stopped recording, I was able to stick around for half of A.W.’s set, but I had to leave early to go play a show of my own! One of my bands was playing a local music festival. A.W. was sweet enough to come and watch me play, and then we walked around downtown Chapel Hill at midnight taking the pictures you’ve seen throughout this post.

A.W. Weiss is an LA-based pop musician originally from a small town in Georgia. Find them online:

Music: http://listentoaw.com Graphic design: http://wereolfgf.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/listentoaw

Find us elsewhere on the internet:

iTunes: https://apple.co/2QshVNS (If you have an iTunes account, please leave a review!) Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2Flad6m Google Play: https://bit.ly/2CUF9ZT Our Website: https://transmusic.org/tagged/podcast Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr: @transgendermusic Twitter: @transmusicorg

[standforford]

“People seemed to enjoy @inktheblot’s AU, so I figured I’d share kind of a similar AU we brainstormed together where the portal test went as planned and Weirdmaggedon arrives 30 years early (with a twist). We’ve dubbed it the “F is for Foe AU”. You’ll see why.

The portal test goes as planned and Ford doesn’t realize Bill’s true intentions until it’s too late. Weirdmaggedon begins when Bill had originally planned. When Bill and his cronies come bursting through the portal, Fiddleford is there to witness it. In his anger and panic, Fiddleford yells angrily about Ford “causing the apocalypse” and storms away before he can fully and calmly explain himself. 

Ford’s house is destroyed, but he manages to save his journals and a single scrapbook of polaroids. After a few days go by without seeing Fiddleford, Ford finally spots him again. He hides behind some rubble and watches as Fiddleford confronts Bill.

A few days later, Ford notices a strange green bubble in the sky, an image of a pair of glasses on the side. He knows who has to be inside. When he approaches, however, he finds that a password is required to gain entry.

Assuming Bill turned on Fiddleford and trapped him inside, Ford confronts Bill and demands the password. Bill laughs and tells him Fiddleford trapped himself inside, so he has no clue what the password is. Bill lets Ford live simply because he’s entertained by the soap opera.

Ford is in denial at first, but when he goes back to the bubble, he realizes that Bill was telling the truth for once in his life when the password finally pops into his head. He enters S-T-A-N-F-O-R-D and goes inside. Fiddleford has built an ideal fantasy world for himself within the bubble. When Ford finds him, he tries to convince him that this is crazy, but Fiddleford only wants him gone.

“What’s so wrong about this, anyway? This is our world now, and I’m just doing the best I can in it. I’m not forgetting anymore, I thought that’s what you wanted. Besides, even if it is all fake, I think I deserve to lie to myself a little after all you lied to me.”

“Fiddleford, I never lied to y-”

“Lying by omission is still lying, Stanford. You must feel pretty bad for lying to me all that time now that it turns out you were lying to yourself, too.”

“I didn’t think it was that important to tell you...”

“Not that important? Not that important!? You didn’t think maybe you should’ve let me know someone else was livin’ in your body? How dumb do you think I am? Did you think I wouldn’t notice? I know you, Stanford, I knew something was going on. I was scared, Ford. I didn’t know who you were anymore. All you had to was talk to me. All you had to do was be brave enough to trust me. Instead, you just let the secrets stack up. You put up walls thinking it would make you stronger, but all you were doing was running from yourself. You can face down as many anomalies as you want, but that doesn’t say anything about your bravery. You always called me a coward, but you were the coward all along.” 

Ford wants to believe that this Fiddleford is a nightmare, an illusion, an impostor, one of Bill’s tricks, under some spell, anything that would prove this wasn’t real, that would prove his best friend was safe or at least mentally sound somewhere... but now, he realizes this is all real and it’s all fault. Nothing’s wrong with Fiddleford. Everything’s wrong with him.

Ford tells him he’s not leaving until the “old Fiddleford” is back, the Fiddleford he knows and loves. Because this can’t possibly be the same person he met at Backupsmore all those years ago. This can’t possibly be the real Fiddleford. 

“How can you claim to love me when you were the one who did all this to me? Look at me, Stanford. I’m the same person, but I’m the version you created. If you really cared about the “old Fiddleford” so much, you wouldn’t have done what you did. You made your choice and now you have to live with it. If you didn’t want this to happen, you shoulda thought of that before ‘ya made a deal with the devil, before ‘ya had the nerve to call me up here. Get out of my world now and face the consequences of your actions, or I’ll bring the consequence to you right here, right now. This is your final warning.” 

Ford pulls out the scrapbook of polaroids (similarly to how Dipper used Mabel’s scrapbook in the fantasy vs. reality argument), hoping it will mean something to him. It doesn’t. “Congratulations, you have photographic proof of how you swindled me into thinking you were a decent man with decent aspirations.” Fiddleford tells him. “Just like your brother, huh? You always said he fooled people. Told me all those angry stories ‘bout how you’d never reconcile with him because he’s a liar and a cheat, but the selfish twin was the one staring you in the mirror the whole time.”

With a snap of his fingers, Fiddleford ignites the scrapbook. “Funny how you think all of this matters now when you were so willing to believe none of it mattered before, when I was just a good riddance. When you forgot I was your friend and thought I was only out to get you instead.”

Fiddleford burns Ford’s journals. “Look where your quest for answers got you! Look where all your studies lead! How do you feel now?”

Ford pleads with him and tries to apologize because he doesn’t want to fight him, but Fiddleford won’t listen. “It’s too late for apologies, Stanford. I warned you and you didn’t listen. Isn’t this what you wanted? ‘Ya must’ve wanted it pretty badly, ‘cause you wanted it bad enough to keep all those secrets from me.”

Using his new powers, Fiddleford continues to try to attack Ford. Ford, refusing to hurt him, deploys all the defensive spells he knows while trying to reason with him. While Ford must recite verbal incantations and use other tools to perform magic, Fiddleford has raw power at his disposal and can easily cut off his spells.

“This is your problem!” Fiddleford yells. “You never know when to quit!”

Ford tries to hold his side of the argument for as long as he can, but eventually all of the pain and guilt becomes too much to bear. He crumbles to his knees, unable to speak, tears streaming down his face. Ford knows he’s right. After all, this is coming from Fiddleford, the one person on Earth who really knows him, and he can’t deny that this is the real Fiddleford anymore. 

“Why don’t you just give up?” Fiddleford asks him. “It’s not worth it. I learned that the hard way. I never gave up on you. I stayed. I stayed because I wanted to believe you. I wanted to believe you were the one good thing in this cursed town, but I was wrong. You were right, buddy. Trust no one. I gave you every chance to trust me, Ford. And you didn’t. There I was, running back to you every time like a goddamned dog. I trusted you and you did nothing but hurt me. Now I’m going to give back all the pain you gave me.”

“It’s always fine if it’s someone else takin’ the fall, long as it’s not you. First your brother, then me, then all these innocent people. I hope you’re proud. It’s just like that confounded puzzle cube to you, isn’t it? You just have to twist it and throw it all outta line just to see what’ll happen. Maybe now you see that some things can only bend so far before they break!” The ground dissolves into thousands of scrambled Cubic’s Cubes as Fiddleford speaks.

Ford knows he deserves this. He couldn’t care less about his own fate. All he wants now is to go back and fix everything he ever did to cause this.

That’s when their battle is very rudely interrupted. The bubble dissolves around them and they find themselves being scooped up by Bill and taken to the Fearamid, where he demands information on how to escape the weirdness barrier that surrounds Gravity Falls. Ford lets on that he knows the equation to drop the barrier, which gives Bill an idea.

Bill forces Ford to watch as he tortures Fiddleford. Ford cries out for Bill to stop, completely ready to hand over the equation if it means sparing Fiddleford. Fiddleford struggles in his chains, begging for Ford not to give up the equation. Bill is having a blast causing all this pain. “AWWWW, LOOK AT YOU TWO STAR-CROSSED LOVERS! AMAZING HOW WEAK YOU FLESH PUPPETS ARE WHEN YOU START TOYING WITH YOUR FEELINGS!”

Suddenly, Fiddleford speaks up. “I know the equation. Just leave him alone and I’ll give you the damn equation.”

“YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL, GLASSES!” 

As Bill shakes his hand and enters Fiddleford’s mind, Fiddleford pulls out the memory gun from inside his tattered labcoat. Ford immediately goes berserk, frantically climbing the throne of human statues to reach him. “Fiddleford, you don’t have to do this! We can find another way!”

“There’s no time. He can have my mind, I know what I need to do. Sooner or later, we all have to pay for our mistakes.”

Ford is just about to reach him as Fiddleford puts the gun to his head. His cries of protest dissolve into simply screaming the word “no” over and over again, but it’s too late. 

“See ‘ya, buddy.” Fiddleford says. He pulls the trigger.

When it’s all over, the two are left in a sunny forest clearing near what remains of Ford’s house. Ford wraps the very confused Fiddleford in a tearful hug. “You saved the world, you saved me... you’re my hero, F.” Going off of Lee’s headcanon about Fiddleford’s name, all he can remember when he regains consciousness is his deadname. 

“I’m... F?”

“Yes, yes, and what does F stand for?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“Well, F can stand for a lot of things.” Ford begins rattling off a list of possibilities and the stories that go along with them as he leads his old friend back towards the rubble he calls his home. Under a plank, Ford finds the scrapbook of polaroids fully restored. He begins to flip through it, holding back tears and thinking of all the memories Fiddleford has lost. As far as he knows, the memory gun is irreversible.

“What’s that?” Fiddleford asks.

“You won’t remember.”

Fiddleford takes the scrapbook from him and starts flipping through it. He suddenly points to a photograph as the first of the memories begin to click back into place. “I remember this.” Ford stands there in shocked silence as Fiddleford pieces the story behind the photograph back together. He laughs through his tears and embraces his friend. They spend the rest of the day recounting the stories behind the photos and rebuilding Fiddleford’s memory. Eventually, they talk things over. Ford tells him the whole story behind Bill and they both apologize for what they did over and over again. Though it takes a while to heal, they both repair what was broken in themselves and between them.

The lasting effects haunt them far into future, but they are there for one another to help get through it. Even long after this is all over, Ford still hears those horrible things Fiddleford said in his head sometimes and feels like they’re still true. He unintentionally flinches away from his touch. He has nightmares about Fiddleford being swallowed up by his bubble. But when he jolts awake in the night, Fiddleford is there to remind him that none of it was his fault, to gently wipe away his tears and soothe him until he falls back asleep. 

Ford is wiser because of everything that happened. After thinking about how he didn’t listen to Fiddleford, he realizes there’s someone else he didn’t listen to. He gives his brother a call.

“What do you want?” Stanley grumbles.

“To finally hear you out. I never gave to you the chance.”

“Why are you suddenly calling now? What made you wanna make up after all these years? What happened? Are you dying or something?”

“Well, a number of things. A demon, an apocalypse, the letter F. Why don’t you come to Gravity Falls and let me tell you all about it?”

[junker-town]

‘We just made history’: The story of hockey’s first ever Team Trans

How a group of 17 trans athletes came together last November to make history.

On a Friday in a little Cambridge, Massachusetts, ice arena, as a gaggle of middle schoolers lingered after a game and two men’s league teams were taking the ice, 17 hockey players were huddled in a corner, getting ready to make history.

Jessica Platt’s excitement shone in her eyes as her teammates on Team Trans, perhaps the first-ever all trans hockey team to play a game together, dug through a stack of blue and pink uniforms to find their own. Platt, a 30-year-old former CWHL player, said she had stopped playing hockey in her early 20s because she was uncomfortable with the overly masculine attitudes of the male players who surrounded her.

“I pretty much had to be careful how I presented myself,” she said. “I got really good at putting on the facade of who I thought I needed to be, and I tried to stick to that as closely as I could when I was in that area. I was a little bit more myself around my friends, but definitely not in the hockey scene.”

Platt traveled from Toronto to play with Team Trans, which was taking part in the 2019 Friendship Series tournament hosted last November by Boston Pride Hockey, New England’s largest LGBT hockey association (not to be confused with the Boston Pride of the NWHL). About five years ago, she finally felt comfortable enough with her transition to enter a women’s locker room and return to hockey. Though she had never met many of her new teammates, they bonded quickly around the familiar fear and anxiety they had felt to play a game they loved.

“Knowing that you’re the only one and no one else has the exact same experiences as you, makes it a little bit harder to, I guess, connect with them,” Platt said. “It’s a little lonely being the only [trans] person.”

That loneliness is why the team met in Boston. Transgender adults make up an estimated 0.6 percent of the general population. There are just 1.6 million trans people in the United States, according to the Williams Institute at UCLA. In Canada, as many as 1 in 200 adults (roughly 0.5 percent) are trans, according to the Trans Pulse Project. In any given town in North America, there likely isn’t enough athletes to form an entirely trans team.

Hockey was my life I also used it as a way to try and be more masculine, where if I was good enough, like being trans would go away.”

A dozen players had to travel from outside Boston to fill the roster, from as far away as San Francisco, Chicago and Ottawa. The draw of playing on an all-trans team even attracted two professional players, with former NWHL defenseman Harrison Browne joining Platt. Each were the first openly trans players in their respective leagues.

Brynn Toohey, a 30-year-old speedy winger and transgender woman from southern New Hampshire, often makes the trek south to play for Boston Pride Hockey, but that weekend she suited up for Team Trans, too.

Toohey’s BPH teammates love to point out that she drives a bright red Porsche. Contrary to her flashy game and bold eye makeup, she is disarmingly reserved and soft-spoken. Growing up in New Hampshire provided Toohey plenty of opportunity for ice time.

“Hockey was my life,” Toohey said. “I also used it as a way to try and be more masculine, where if I was good enough, like being trans would go away.”

She played junior hockey until college, and bounced around several club teams before dropping out of the game entirely in her early 20s. Life got in the way of her passion the way it does for many young people. But Toohey also struggled with gender dysphoria, the clinical term for the distress caused by a disconnect between a person’s assigned sex and their internal sense of their own gender.

Toohey said that she fell on hard times after college, intermittently struggling with depression and substance abuse before beginning her transition early last year.

“I had to get sober,” Toohey said. “And really once I was like, ‘All right, I’m trans,’ I was like, ‘Well, now there’s a future for me.’ Everything opened up.”

Around that time, she heard about Boston Pride Hockey. “I normally don’t do any LGBT anything,” she said, but she felt the sport pulling her back and decided to give the league a try. She attended a skate around and found a welcoming environment where she could play without being judged by her identity.

“If you told me six months ago, before I started transitioning or anything, I’d be playing on an all-trans hockey team, I would be like, ‘Yeah, right,’” Toohey said. “‘That doesn’t exist. There’s not enough trans people that want to play hockey like me.’”

Like Toohey, no one on Team Trans had ever played hockey with more than a handful of other trans players, if any. Typically, trans athletes have to seek out welcoming but predominantly cisgender teams if they want to compete.

Chris Harrington

Harrison Browne, left, and Jessica Platt, right.

Browne, a 26-year-old former two-time NWHL champion, said he experienced dysphoria triggers throughout his women’s hockey experience, like hearing his deadname, the term used for the birth name of a trans person who now goes by a different name, over the PA whenever he scored. Or when someone would yell something like “Let’s go, ladies” to the team when he was on the ice.

“When somebody hasn’t gone through what you go through, they can sympathize, they can empathize as much as a person can and my teammates did a really, really good job of making me feel as included as they could,” Browne said. “But when somebody doesn’t understand your way of life or doesn’t understand your mindset, it’s difficult. And this room here, this dressing room that [Team Trans] are all in, it definitely was an environment that I had never seen.”

Shane Diamond, a defenseman from Maine, skated with a men’s beer league team for several weeks to prep for the Friendship Series. It was his first time skating with a team of men as a “passing” trans man — meaning, a trans person whose outward appearance doesn’t immediately out them as trans — and the experience was unsettling.

“I walked into the space and it was one of the most homophobic, transphobic locker rooms I’ve ever been in, and that’s including growing up [playing] with the boys,” Diamond said. Stories like his were common among Team Trans players. And while some players tried, or are trying, to play through their transitions, others, like Toohey, were only drawn back to sports once their bodies were more in line with their inner sense of their own gender.

When somebody doesn’t understand your way of life or doesn’t understand your mindset, it’s difficult. ... This dressing room that [Team Trans] are all in, it definitely was an environment that I had never seen.”

Rather than risk exposing themselves to teams and spaces that don’t understand their identities, many trans athletes simply quit sports. Fortunately, more and more athletic associations and cisgender people have begun educating themselves on how to better treat and support trans people.

Unlike most of the players on Team Trans, William Frahm-Gilles, a 35-year-old trans man and defenseman, took up the game as an adult when he lived in Madison, Wisconsin, about nine years ago. “I always wanted to play hockey, but I just never had the opportunity growing up,” Frahm-Gilles said. He was enrolled in an intense veterinary educational program, and wanted a hobby to help him work out his aggression within an accepting community.

Frahm-Gilles became involved with the Madison Gay Hockey Association at a key point in his gender transition. “It was just this really bizarre flip from every other aspect of my life, where everyone assumed I was a really butch lesbian instead of assuming I was a straight woman,” he said. “But they were so encouraging about it that it was just like a really weird space to have to kind of come out in a totally different way. I’m actually super into dudes, not a butch lesbian.”

Frahm-Gilles was the first openly trans player in the MGHA, and he had to endure the league’s growing pains as it learned to accommodate him and his identity. In an effort to signal that the league was welcoming towards trans players, league officials and other players often went out of their way to tell new and potential trans players about Frahm-Gilles, even if he had never met them. That often put him in awkward positions, off the ice.

“A new player would join who was trans-identified and come up to me and start chatting transition talk,” Frahm-Gilles said. “That happened a number of times and there was just a lot of [league officials] not quite understanding how to actually be sensitive with that information about players.”

Life gradually became easier for Frahm-Gilles when other trans players started playing in the league. One of those players was K8 Walton, a 39-year-old nonbinary person who plays defense and joined Frahm-Gilles and Team Trans in Cambridge. Walton saw how the other trans players were being treated at the MGHA and set out to change the league to be more understanding.

“The driving thing was we needed to come in from the very get-go and teach people,” Walton said. The league needed to “make sure that everybody understands basic trans etiquette, like that you don’t out people or say, ‘Oh, you’re trans. Let me introduce you to my other friend who’s trans.’ And that you’re sharing a locker room with people who may have all sorts of feelings about their bodies, and that’s [whether they’re] cisgender or transgender.”

The MGHA has evolved in Frahm-Gilles’ time there. He has been happy to see more people like him on the teams he plays with and against. “I’m glad I fell so much in love with the sport,” he said, “because I don’t think I would have touched playing after the first couple of seasons.”

The night before the first game of the Friendship Series, Team Trans held its first and only practice. At one point, Platt deftly lifted the puck off the stick of an opposing player, weaved effortlessly through the defense and passed across the crease to a waiting teammate. An audible gasp followed by oohs and aahs sprang from the dozen-strong crowd.

Greg Sargent, president of Boston Pride Hockey, was among those watching. He would be suiting up and playing against Team Trans the following night. “She’s going to be tough to contain tomorrow,” he said. I leaned in and asked how his team would try to stop a line with Platt, Toohey and Browne, who wasn’t on the ice because his flight was coming in the following morning. “We won’t,” Sargent said. “But we still want to win.”

Like MGHA, BPH has recently gone out of its way to open up to trans players. BPH formed in 1989 as a space for gay hockey players to compete. Thirty years on, BPH is up to 45 members.

“Our number one goal is just to provide a great place to play hockey that you don’t worry about what the other person is thinking,” Sargent said. “When I grew up, it’s kind of like I was checking everybody out in the locker room but [was] never comfortable, never felt safe to say anything. It was the complete opposite. And so when I found BPH ... it was just amazing.”

Sargent’s experience in creating welcoming environments led him to help set up Team Trans. The organization regularly holds series with other gay hockey associations. After a tournament with the New York City Gay Hockey Association, Sargent spotted an opposing player who was nervously off to the side from the others.

“In Boston, we have a thing where if we notice anybody new not talking with anyone, our board is keyed into that and so we all take turns,” Sargent said. “We go and talk to them and make them feel welcome, introduce them to everybody.”

Sargent introduced himself to the player, and learned that the person was trans. After some discussion, the player told Sargent that there is a Facebook group full of trans hockey players, and that it was hoping to set up a game with an all-trans roster. The player, who ultimately couldn’t make it for the weekend series in Boston, explained to Sargent that while the NYCGHA was a safe place to play, it wasn’t specifically a trans locker room, so some trans athletes felt some lingering discomfort within the team.

Kyle Outlaw

Sargent wanted to help. “I said, ‘Let’s do this.’ So I told our board that and a lot of our older members were like, ‘That’s our story from 1989. We’re doing this, let’s make this happen.’”

The weekend didn’t quite go off without a hitch. Team Trans goaltender Alex Lefebvre said at one point after the first game, several of the team’s trans men had to wait in line to use the one stall in the men’s bathroom, which had run out of toilet paper. “Some of us were like, ‘I kind of just want to use the women’s room, but half of us have full beards.’” The incident was a stark reminder that many public spaces still aren’t designed with trans people in mind.

But Sargent took the event seriously, working with trans players from all over the continent to put together the team, and even ordering personalized Team Trans jerseys and socks with the players’ numbers on them, as well as commemorative pucks. The sweaters featured a pink and blue design with a diagonal split between the colors, inspired by the pink, white and blue trans pride flag. Several team members teared up when they first saw the design.

The atmosphere inside the Team Trans locker room before Game 1 was almost joyous. Players smiled without a hint of nerves. Hockey sticks lined the front wall, each taped in trans pride or rainbow colors. There was banter, of course. The team captain, who didn’t wish to be named, read out the lines, and mistakenly said one player’s name twice.

“I know there’s a bunch of trans guys in here, but you listed two Jacks and there’s only one Jack,” quipped one of the players, poking fun at the fact that “Jack” is a common name among trans masculine people.

Later, someone pointed out they needed a team chant, and Diamond immediately yelled out “T4T!” in reference to trans community lingo for when two trans people are dating each other. A unison of giggles followed; it was agreed.

Browne said after the game that he forgot to wear an undershirt and had been worried how his nipples would feel directly under his shoulder pads after top surgery. Several teammates understood his anxiety and offered personal experience to reassure him. To Browne, moments like that brought home what many on Team Trans had felt they’d been missing throughout their athletic careers.

“We’ve only been together for two days and I felt like there was a cohesive feel in there,” Browne said. “There was a comfort level that I’ve never really felt [before].”

Despite their fast bonding, Team Trans was up against a stiff challenge from a team that has been playing together for years. BPH put away two scrappy goals over the first two periods, and took a 2-0 lead into the third.

But Team Trans hadn’t yet put Platt, Toohey and Browne on the ice together. They wanted to spread their talent across multiple lines as best they could. After the second intermission, Team Trans held nothing back.

“When we score … we’re going to celebrate,” Toohey said in the team huddle. Her confidence felt brazen. They were still in a cisgender-dominated world where trans people have long had to be content with scraps of validation.

Team Trans won the faceoff to start the period, and Platt carried the puck over the blue line. She dished off to Browne, who quickly scanned the ice and spotted Toohey blazing down the slot, just to the left of the net. His pass found Toohey’s stick, and Toohey’s one-timer found the back of the net. The Team Trans bench and small crowd in attendance erupted together.

As she skated past the BPH bench, Toohey dropped to one knee and mimicked shooting a bow-and-arrow. “It was a great celebration between all three of us,” Toohey said. “Obviously I’d been playing for BPH so I had to give it to them with an arrow shot, and it was just great. It felt so good for us to get on the board and into the game.”

The first all-trans goal in history, in hockey history. That is wild. I think I’m just processing it as I’m saying it.”

It was an unforgettable moment for Browne. “The look on her face when it went in, it was like ... It was really, really, really special to see that,” he said. When asked what it meant to assist perhaps the first all-trans goal in hockey history, Browne raised his eyebrows. “The first all-trans goal in history, in hockey history. That is wild. I think I’m just processing it as I’m saying it.”

Riding the momentum of Toohey’s goal, Team Trans score another a few minutes later and tied the game, 2-2. The teams traded goals again, but BPH notched the eventual game winner with roughly two minutes left and took Game 1, 4-3. Both teams shook hands, and Team Trans turned to the 50 or so people in the stands, many of them trans people and family, and tapped their sticks on the ice, chanting, “thank you.” As they stepped off the ice, Diamond remarked, “We just made history.”

Lefebvre played well in net despite the losing effort. His family traveled from Albany, New York, to watch him, and he stayed on the ice after the final whistle to take pictures and chat about the game. At one point, a player from a team that was taking the ice next approached and told him he played an amazing game between the pipes.

“That was cool,” Lefebvre said later. “I have no idea if those guys had any idea what the game was or not. I was kind of thinking of that, I was like, ‘Does he know? And he’s coming to say that because of that? Or just appreciating good hockey?’”

That night, Team Trans and BPH met up for a long night of drinking before gathering for Game 2 the next day. The score wasn’t nearly as close, with BPH winning handily. When the final whistle sounded, Team Trans once again thanked the fans, and many of the players lingered in the small space between the rink and locker room, not wanting the experience to end.

Throughout the weekend, players discussed continuing Team Trans into the future. There’s a tentative plan to enter Team Trans into several LGBTQ hockey tournaments around North America, and encourage trans players anywhere to join — a sort of rotating roster on a barnstorming team. Each player interviewed said they couldn’t wait to skate in the blue, pink and white again.

They were supposed to get another chance soon. Team Trans had arranged for a second Friendship Series, this time traveling to Wisconsin to face off with MGHA in April, but were forced to postpone the event due to the coronavirus pandemic. But the feelings from the first Friendship Series endure.

“Hockey isn’t my everyday thing anymore, but I still love it,” Browne said. “These past two games have definitely ignited that love and camaraderie ... This was bigger than hockey for me and it was more than just a game. I was able to meet people that played my sport that were like me.”

Platt hopes that continuing Team Trans will help trans hockey players maintain their connection with the game as they work through their gender identities. She recalled what a team like this would have meant to her when she was growing up. “Maybe,” Platt said, “if something like [Team Trans] existed, I wouldn’t have quit.”

Chris Harrington

[christophersymes]

Celebrity Status

Celebrity Status, an ongoing L(G)B(T)+ story also on Wattpad and Quotev.

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Chapter Four

A month later, Jules had been down for a while. His depression was in full swing, with a baseball bat full of nails, directly in his face. He'd hardly even made it to class that day, let alone online, and hadn't even gone to work yet and felt like crying. It was taking a lot to do anything, and he felt awful because he wanted to talk to Not-Elías so bad, but couldn't think of words to say aside from

good afternoon

. And he'd hardly spoken yesterday or the day before either. He hated it.

Mason had been hearing less and less from Jules the past few days, even though he'd been sending an embarrassing amount of messages. Jules did message back most times, but when she did she was curt and sounded... off.

masonfucker1000: jules

masonfucker1000: hope ur days going okay

masonfucker1000: hey what if humans were like bees and we had smth like a fucking stinger and if we killed someone w it we died and it was the only legal way to murder

masonfucker1000: i was hanging out w some friends and we ended up playing nerf guns and i somehow got a foam bullet down my pants

familyjules: ah, the only other thing you've ever gotten down ur pants.

masonfucker1000: hey are you okay? im kinda getting worried

masonfucker1000: if someone else threw a salad at you ill kick em

familyjules: afternoon, not-elías.

masonfucker1000: afternoon!! FINALLY!! juliet hath emerged! hey what's been going on???

♦️

Juliet.

He called him Juliet.

Jules froze, staring at the message, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. He hadn't told him, no, but still... He was Jules. Jullian. Anything except Juliet.

He stared at it, then grumbled to himself. "Juliet. Not. Fucking. Juliet." He got out of the truck and slammed the door, angry now that he even had to go to work. He stood by his truck, still staring at the message, then accidentally threw his phone on the concrete in the parking lot and stomped on it.

Then he realized what he'd done. Fuck. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it! Whatever." He picked up the pieces and pocketed the SIM card, telling himself he'd just buy a new one tonight after work and ship it to his house. He was enough of a dumbass already.

He tossed them in the dumpster as he went inside.

Mason frowned when there was no reply. An hour passed, even. Nothing.

A day.

masonfucker1000: jules? are you okay?

Jules was still upset, and still had no fucking phone.

Two days.

masonfucker1000: jules, please if i did something just talk to me

And a day after that, he was still upset, but at least he had a phone.

Three. Jules had never gone three days without at least a half-assed two word message.

Whenever he was home, he just stared at the message, fuming. Not-Elías had called him Juliet. He had to know him somehow, then, and by his deadname.

On the third day, the anger got bad enough he ended up messaging.

familyjules: how the fuck do you know my name and why are you doing this

Mason had been having lunch with the band when he got the message. He dropped his slice of pizza, mouth still open in shock. His eyes widened, and he excused himself, muttering under his breath that he'd be right back.

masonfucker1000: shit dude, what? juliet?

masonfucker1000: I just sort of guessed that's what it was short for

masonfucker1000: what do you mean???

Jules scoffed, opening Rabbit as fast as he could and sending Not-Elías a link.

As soon as he entered the room, Jules glared at the camera.

"My goddamn name is not Juliet, so stop calling me that. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you must know me and want to get to me now for some reason, so just... fucking stop being a dick—"

Mason gaped at Jules as she immediately started yelling and threatening at him. Jesus fuck.

"—and tell me the truth before I have to figure it out myself and beat your fucking ass. I'm not in the goddamn mood to be led on some goose chase and deal with bigots like you or deal with people who hold some stupid grudge against me. Leave me alone if that's the fucking case, or I will figure shit out and do something."

Not-Elias: jules geez

Not-Elias: holy shit

Not-Elias: i dont understand why youre so angry but im sorry if i pissed you off okay?

Not-Elias: i wont call u that anymore

Not-Elias: message me when you've calmed down

Not-Elias left the room.

Jules was still angry when he left the room. He ended up closing it too, only to reopen it later that night, as well as the fansite. He private messaged Not-Elías a link, promising in some garbled text not to yell again.

familyjules: rabb.it/familyjules pls cone ib i promize not to yellll i midd u

familyjules: misa u

Mason had been thinking about.... whatever that had been with Jules. She'd called him a bigot and talked about grudges. And Juliet was a definite no. He had a theory he was a bit too freaked to think much on. He frowned when he got a just barely comprehensible message. God, was Jules crying or something? He immediately clicked the link.

Jules was leaning back in the chair, pouring himself a shot from the bottle of vodka, singing a Nosam song along with the YouTube video. "Not-Elías!" he exclaimed, speech a little slurred, grinning. He leaned forward too fast and spilled half the shot on his shirt. "Whoops."

He downed the rest to prevent more spillage and then took a sip of Coke. "Hi, I wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier and yelling at you because it's obvious you're not anyone from high school because you're good unlike them. They couldn't even fake it. And I wanted to explain— I'm trans and I was bullied, and I miss you a lot but I've been sad a lot lately and it's cold and cold is triggering and I'm gonna drink more now." He poured himself another shot.

Mason's eyes widened in surprise at the state Jules was in. And then he was concerned. Very concerned.

Not-Elias: is that vodka?

Not-Elias: careful!

And then he froze as Jules spoke. Trans.

Fuck. So, okay. Mason didn't know himself that well after all. That's fine. It was okay. He tried to convince himself of that even if he felt a little nauseous and increasingly out of control.

He'd been such a dick when he was younger. Defensive, reckless, disrespectful, not caring about anyone else and keeping emotions bottled in. He had pretended to be confident, created a version of himself for everyone else and believed it. And once he'd been called out by so many, by Chris, he'd realized what he'd turned into: this sexist, queer-phobic prick, like a jock straight out of a movie.

He worked so hard to figure out why and relearn how he thought about things, about people, thinking about things he said to make sure he wasn't hurting anybody. He spent so much time learning himself inside and out. Actually starting to like himself for once, no more surprises. And even if his chest was aching and he couldn't breathe from hearing Jules say that, he knew he liked Jules a lot. He knew he had to deal with it.

He wasn't straight.

But he didn't know what to think— his own secrecy had been different— but— of course they weren't dating, and online— and Mason couldn't possibly pretend he knew what being trans was like. Whatever reason Jules had had for not telling him was probably a good one, even though it hurt. Mason realized he hadn't responded, and frankly didn't know how.

Not-Elias: okay

Not-Elias: youve def been drinking too much

Not-Elias: jules

Not-Elias: why didnt you tell me?

Mason paused, biting his lip. He didn't want to sound mad, but he was kind of upset. And he deserved to know why, didn't he?

Jules knocked back the shot, then leaned forward to read his messages. "I said I was bullied... They did some online too and I'm super scared about the fansite being a lot of people who could gang up on me sometimes—" Jules's lip trembled a little and he shook his head and touok a deep breath. No crying in front of Not-Elías.

"I was scared when I started thinking more and liking you, 'cause you were new and different and I was having fun talking to you, but you said you were cis and straight and it was actually real hard to even tell you I'm bi. And it's okay if you don't like me now cause you're straight and I'm a dude, I understand that."

Mason frowned at how Jules looked close to tears, instantly angry at everyone who'd hurt her— who'd hurt him.

His stomach turned as he thought about all the times he misgendered him. Oh God, he suddenly felt really sick. All of those shes and hers crawling up his throat.

Not-Elias: oh jules

Not-Elias: no i

Not-Elias: i like you

He bit his lip. Get over it, Mason.

Not-Elias: i guess i'm just gay. go figure

Jules wiped at his face with his shirt, then remembered there was vodka all over it and pouted a little, staring down at it.

Whoa, there was a flash. Mason's breath caught. He definitely saw a nipple and— fuck. But, oh God, was Jules drunk.

Not-Elias: listen do me a favor, baby, no more shots, yeah?

Not-Elias: put the vodka away

Yes, it felt a little weird calling Jules baby for a moment, knowing he was a guy, but it still felt right. Mason was fucking gay.

Oh, poor Andrew. All alone.

Jules read the messages and wanted to cry even more. He felt so silly for hiding it for so long, especially if it was going like this. "Are you sure?" he asked, staring at the messages.

And then the few about the vodka came through and he pouted, though he was blushing a bit at being called baby again. "But I don't wanna. Tomorrow's my day off and drinking is fun!" He grabbed the bottle, cradling it against his chest. "'S like my baby."

Not-Elias: im sure

Not-Elias: a hundred percent

Not-Elias: even if youre a complete mess

Not-Elias: and you've drunk

Not-Elias: youre drunk

Not-Elias: too much more and youll be poisoned

Not-Elias: ill be your baby instead

Jules grinned, leaning forward. His leg was bouncing now. He set down the bottle. "All right," he said. "But you're my baby now. You gotta come hug me."

Not-Elias: nice okay thank you

Not-Elias: u should drink water if you can

Not-Elias: oh i want to. i will

Mason hated this, not being able to talk to Jules. Especially when he was in this state. He needed comfort, and Mason wanted to give it and— damn it, he wished he could just turn on his camera. Maybe he should. He seriously considered it and— no, not right now, when he was drunk.

Jules tuned into the music again and gasped, grinning. He sang along a little, nodding and getting up to get water like he was told, completely forgetting he was in just a tank top and underwear— not even boxers, just underwear. He came back still singing, then lifted the water so Not-Elías could see it. "Water."

Mason whined a bit as Jules stood up, looking away a second later, staring at the tour bus ceiling. Why did the world want to be so generous yet so cruel?

Not-Elias: and you said you're not a singer

Not-Elias: good! drink up!

Jules grinned, taking a drink and leaning back a little in his chair. "Oh—uh— is there anything you want to listen to? Or watch?"

Not-Elias: uhhhhhh

Not-Elias: spongebob?

Jules nodded, opening up Amazon Prime and attempting to search for it. He misspelled it a few times, but got it in the end. "Oh, this is the best episode," Jules said, grinning and hovering over the Bubble Bowl episode.

They watched one and a half episodes, during which Jules had moved from the chair to his bed, putting the laptop on the chair. Mason honestly wasn't paying all that much attention to Spongebob. Jules was so cute, his drunk commentary endearing.

At some point Mason realized Jules had fallen asleep. He smiled, eyes going soft.

He barely thought about it when he turned on the mic.

"Goodnight, Jules."

Jules, fast asleep, groaned a little. "G'night," he mumbled. "Lub you."

Mason's heart jumped to his throat.

"Jules? Are you awake?"

He blushed hard, cheeks hot. He probably wouldn't mention that part to Jules in the morning.

"Nuh uh," Jules hummed, pulling the blanket over himself better. "'m sleep."

Mason laughed lightly. "Really? Sleeptalker, huh? I'll let you sleep. Talk to you in the morning."

Mason had turned off his mic and hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep.

"Mason? Why're you still on your computer? S' the middle of the night."

Mason jerked awake, blinking as he looked at Jules on-screen and then at Chris on the top bunk across, leaning over the bed and frowning at him sleepily.

Mason sighed, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. "I think I'm gonna tell Jules," he said.

"What?" Austin grumbled from below Chris, turning and blinking wildly at Mason. His wavy hair was sticking up in all directions, like static or that kid from Meet The Robinsons.

"He said he's gonna tell Jules," Andrew growled from above Mason, grumpy from being woken up, but listening, blankets tugged tight over his otherwise naked body.

Chris supported his chin on his hand as he tried to get a better look at Mason's face. He was serious. "What changed finally?"

Mason sighed, panic returning as his brain turned the lights back on and told him he was supposed to be freaking out. "It keeps getting harder. And we didn't talk for a bit and— last night— tonight he— he's trans. And he was drunk— "

"Wait— "

"Did you say— "

Mason groaned, dropping his face into his pillow. "Don't--"

Andrew wheezed from above him. "Fuck."

"You're— "

"I get to say it! You dumbasses got to come out," Mason whined as he sat up. "I'm not straight. Probably, uh, pan."

Austin started laughing sleepily as he leaned up on his elbow to properly make fun of Mason.

"I saw it coming," Andrew mumbled. "But fuck you."

Chris bit his lip worriedly. "Okay, but remember when that one fan gave out your number and address even though the address was fake, but you had to change your number and— "

Mason sighed loudly. "Yes, I remember."

And he did remember. He'd thought about it quite a bit, all the worst case scenarios. Jules being pissed off at being royally catfished and outting him to the world in the worst way possible, or Jules being way too happy and outting him and not really caring about him, or Jules just completely cutting him off in shock and outrage. Mason shook the thoughts away. "Jules isn't like that. I just— I want her— him to know, I'm sick of lying."

Austin shrugged. "Okay. Your choice, man. Go for it."

Andrew hummed in agreement, giving the idea a thumbs up that Mason didn't even see, already falling asleep again. Chris sighed and smiled, "I'm sure you're right. You're a good judge of character."

Mason smiled, "Thanks."

In the morning, Jules woke up to find he'd fallen asleep on Rabbit with Not-Elias. He smiled, nuzzling his face against the pillow. He was so cute. So good. He remembered getting drunk and telling him everything, and he'd taken it in stride, just accepting...

He sighed, staring at the icon of Mason on the screen. He wished he knew him. This was just making him want to date him more, though he knew his own rules and didn't want to break them. It felt kinda shitty to feel like that, though, especially since Jules wanted to just... live, really, but it felt like there was always something holding him back. He wiped at his eyes, realizing he was crying a little. God, he was so pathetic.

Mason woke up again to see that Jules was awake. He smiled, then noticed he seemed kinda sad. Mason got up, washing his face and brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror for a moment. Well, he looked as good as he usually did, he guessed. He guessed? Fuck. He was nervous. He groaned and put on a hoodie, yawning as he walked past the bunks and sat down, putting his earphones in.

Not-Elias: good morning! how're you feeling?

Jules jumped a little at the message tone, wiping his eyes again to make sure any trace of tears was gone. He disguised it as sleepy rubbing his eyes and smiled. "Morning, Not-Elias. I feel..." Jules considered telling the truth, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He settled on one thing. "Hungover. Kinda tired. My head hurts a little. How are you feeling?"

Not-Elias: a little flipped upside down, honestly

Not-Elias: but uh, overall, pretty good

Not-Elias: okay, actually im a little nervous

Not-Elias: hey

Not-Elias: do u know what would be cool

Not-Elias: u should play me some bass

Jules smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling okay, though. I mean— What happened is... a lot, probably. If you need to talk, I'm here. And you really want to hear me play right now? I— uh— okay." He leaned over, picking up his bass from the stand by his bed.

"I wonder if I can play it laying down." He plucked a few strings, then shifted his hands to play it. He laughed a little. "I guess I can... God, you have no idea how many times I've dropped this thing. I'm shocked it still plays." He lifted it up, grinning.

Mason smiled, watching him fondly as he grabbed the bass and played around with it, rambling and laughing. What was he even going to say? 'Hi, I'm not Elias, I'm Not-Elias, with a dash' or 'I'm Not-Elias, AKA Mason Hill AKA masonfucker1000 AKA an asshole?' or even 'Hey, it's Mason, please don't be mad at me or post about this?'.

God, everything he could think of was woefully lame. It was like his nerves had turned him into Chris.

"There's actually a really bad scratch somewhere on here, I think it's on the back... I dropped it when I first got it because my parents told me some shit, I don't even remember what, but it scared me. Oh— oh, I think it was when my grandpa died. They told me and I just... dropped it. It's funny now, because like... y'know, that was my grandpa, but— "

Mason couldn't take it any longer. He moved the mouse, cursor hovering over the camera icon. It seemed easier to do it when Jules was occupied, it made Mason less nervous than when he was looking at the screen. He turned his mic on first, then his camera, smiling. "Uh, hey," he said softly to get his attention. Hey wasn't exactly what he had wanted to say first, but fuck it. His heart was thumping in his ears.