#i feel tired today despite sleeping well so i may post mostly music just to share

[bugdogg]

uhh song share ig, im stuck on this song on replay. ginger root has a lot of calming songs, having a hard time finding some rn

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Two

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

August 8th, 2001

Emile took a deep breath. He knew he wanted to do this. He had wanted to help people who couldn’t have kids on their own for years, and now he had finally gotten the chance. Not in the exact way that he had expected, but here he was, at a sperm bank, trying to calm down enough to get things done.

A look around showed so many posters of happy families. He needed to focus on that. Not the magazines that offered a little “help,” not the movies and the TV that were there for the same purpose. He didn’t need that, he could do this on his own. Even his boyfriend Remy agreed that he should do this, because if he wanted to help families, he should do it.

He took a steadying breath and sat down. He could do this. He could do this. He was going to do it. Nodding once, he made sure the door was locked, and undid his belt buckle. Quick and easy. And he would never have to worry about this after the fact.

December 20th, 2018

Emile was doing research in the kitchen as Remy talked with Sarah, one of his regulars at Sleep Easy. They were both trying to figure out what they had to do to become foster parents for Roman. Emile had explained that he thought Roman was lying about whatever happened with his mother, and Remy had said that no matter what the case, they couldn’t let the kid sleep on the streets. But the process of becoming foster parents was highly daunting, not to mention that it would take time. Time that Roman clearly didn’t have.

“Do you think that he could really do that?” Remy asked. “I mean, yeah...he definitely is. The kid has his eyes and nose and really, looks a lot like him at that age minus the hair, but do you think that would work? Just a paternity test?”

Emile glanced up. What was Remy talking about?

“You’re a gem, Sarah! Thank you so much! Yeah, I’ll see if we can get the kid to see you, that might be able to help. Someone who can explain what’s going on,” Remy said. “Next three coffees are half-off, you hear me? I owe you big time!”

Remy hung up and Emile looked at him closely. “What’s going on?”

“I have a solution for our little predicament,” Remy said, holding up a finger when Emile started to speak. “But you’d better be ready to commit, Emile, because this is not a temporary fix, this is permanent.”

“What is it?” Emile asked.

“If you can prove that you’re Roman’s biological father in court, they’ll grant you guardianship without having to foster first. Of course, this means that Roman has to agree to live with us, and that we have to get this place suitable for a kid,” Remy explained. He grinned. “But it can be done.”

Emile rounded the island and gave Remy a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Have I ever said that I love you? Because I love you.”

Remy chuckled and batted Emile away. “Go! Go make sure your son is all right. We can all talk together about this in a little bit. But you should be the one to talk to him about it first. After all, you’re the kid’s father.”

“If he accepts and we adopt him, you know you’ll be a dad too, right?” Emile teased.

“Well, duh, but I’ll be the cool dad,” Remy said with a dazzling grin. “Not a rule in sight.”

“You keep telling yourself that,” Emile laughed, walking out of the room and heading back to the living room, where Roman was still asleep.

The boy was curled in on himself, and was frowning ever so slightly, like he was trying to figure out a difficult math problem. His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm and Emile gently shook his shoulder, careful to not be too rough. Roman blinked awake, looking down in confusion, picking up the blanket that Emile had put on him between two fingers, feeling it. Then, his eyes snapped to Emile, and the boy nearly jumped like he had been shocked. “I’m so sorry I fell asleep on your couch, Mister Picani, it was an accident!”

“Hey, Roman, it’s okay,” Emile soothed. “Remy and I have been talking, and doing some research, and we know a way that you can stay with us. But you’d have to agree to it as well; we don’t want to force you into anything.”

Roman looked terrified, and Emile sat on the coffee table. “We looked into becoming foster parents for you, but that would take a lot of time that we don’t have, considering that you’re already here. However, one of Remy’s customers has informed us that if we can prove you’re my biological son, I can claim guardianship in court.”

The puzzle pieces were coming together behind Roman’s eyes, and they widened as he realized what that would mean. “But that means...”

“Remy and I would be adopting you, Roman, yes,” Emile said. “If you’re willing, then we would love to adopt you.”

“You...you don’t even know me,” Roman said, voice raspy.

“Do we have to? You’re my son, Roman. Just because I didn’t know your mother, doesn’t mean I can’t get to know you now. It would be an honor to take care of you,” Emile said sincerely.

Roman started to cry, smile wide. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you, so so much.”

Emile just smiled. “So...that’s a yes?”

“Yes,” Roman agreed. “It’s definitely a yes!”

Emile grinned. “Great! Now, you, Remy, and myself will have a lot to talk about, rules, chores, school, all of that. But we can take everything one step at a time. I think the first thing we should do is get you a place to sleep in the house.”

“Okay,” Roman said. “Do you have...a guest bedroom?”

“As a matter of fact, we do,” Emile said with a smile and a tweak of his glasses. “Let’s get you set up there. Do you have any other clothes? Personal effects?”

“Not really,” Roman said, smile falling just a fraction. “I have legal documents and stuff under my jacket.” He hadn’t had the forethought to pack a bag with spare clothes when he left. But there was nothing else back there that he could really call “personal effects.”

“No matter. It may be close to Christmas, but we can get you clothes really quick today, and once it’s Monday, we can get a paternity test to legally adopt you,” Emile explained. “I say we should take two days to set up the basics with no fuss, sound good?”

Roman nodded eagerly. “You’re so kind, thank you so much,” he said, eyes shining.

“Hey, it’s no problem,” Emile said. “I’m more than happy to help you, okay?”

“Okay,” Roman said.

Emile nodded and clapped his hands once. “Should I show you upstairs to your new room?”

Roman gratefully smiled. “That would be amazing, thank you.”

“No need to keep thanking me, but you’re welcome anyway,” Emile said. “Come on, it’s just up the stairs.”

Roman followed him up the stairs to the second floor of the townhouse. “So you see, there’s the master bedroom, where Remy and I sleep. Next to that is my personal office, and occasionally Remy’s office too, if it’s around the time of year for taxes. Across the hall, we have the bathroom, and two slightly smaller guest rooms. You can take your pick of the two.”

“Okay...” Roman said, looking between the two. Eventually, he walked into the one that was across the hall from the master bedroom. “I’ll take this one, if that’s all right,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Emile said. “Are you still tired? You can nap there if you need before we get clothes shopping.”

“No, I think I’m okay,” Roman said with a smile. “Thank you though.”

Emile nodded. “Right, then. We should probably grab Remy and then find some clothes for you to wear. Remy knows a fair amount of stuff about clothing, despite only wearing maybe three shirts, and the same pair of jeans and leather jacket every day.” Roman laughed and Emile smiled. “So he’ll be able to help both of us a lot.”

Roman nodded, left the folder containing what Emile assumed was his legal documents on the bed, and Emile let himself be led back down the stairs by Roman. Emile went to the kitchen and said, “Hey, Remy. Roman’s in need of some clothes. Care to help us find stuff?”

“Yeah!” Remy said, standing up and heading to the door. He shoved his fading purple hair out of his face with a grin. “This will be fun!”

Roman followed Remy out and Emile was the last one out the door, locking the house behind them. Roman was sitting in the back seat of the sedan and Remy was starting the car by the time Emile climbed into shotgun. “You never wait, do you?” Emile asked with a fond smile.

“Not particularly,” Remy said, pulling out of the driveway and getting on the road, turning on the radio.

Roman seemed to visibly relax in the backseat as the music began to play. “What kind of music do you listen to, Roman?” Emile asked.

“Oh, uh...mostly movie soundtracks and musicals,” Roman said with a blush.

“You’re probably gonna be a theatre kid come high school,” Emile said good-naturedly. “Theatre is a blast, though, I’m sure you’d love every second being on the stage.”

“That’d be really cool, yeah,” Roman said shyly.

“Do you have a favorite musical?” Remy asked.

Roman hummed in thought. “I mean, I haven’t given it much thought, but...probably Footloose. Just because I think it’s weird that dancing could ever be illegal. Dancing is lots of fun! Why would you ever want to ban it?”

Remy smiled. “I don’t know. Lots of people do strange things that don’t make sense, though. Like saying guys can’t like other guys, or that being proud and self-confident is bragging.”

Roman nodded, and Emile hummed. “Just know that we’re not like that, Roman. You can be whoever you want to be around us,” he said.

“And I don’t know about you, but I always want to be myself,” Remy said cheerfully.

“If only it were that easy,” Roman muttered to himself.

Emile and Remy shared a concerned look but continued talking like nothing had happened. The music continued to fill the car when silences lapsed too long, and Roman looked around outside the car. Emile suspected that he didn’t live in this city. If he had, he would have known where they were going. He would be bored, not looking around in wonder. And he probably would have heard of Sleep Easy, because virtually every adult within a ten mile radius of it had tried the shop at least once.

But he didn’t want to spook Roman, so they simply continued to drive, Emile idly chatting with Remy, and Roman occasionally throwing in his two cents, when he wasn’t busy looking outside.

Emile did worry, though. He thought that parents were screened before they had the procedure to inseminate, but had he been mistaken? And what were the odds of this kid finding him? He was beyond worried for Roman, and he was angry at Roman's mother, whoever she was, for allowing this to happen.

Remy squeezed Emile's hand and gave him a smile. “Breathe, babe. It'll all be okay,” he said with confidence.

Emile took a breath and nodded, giving Remy a thin smile. He was still worried, and still angry, but he couldn't show that in front of Roman. The kid was already scared to death of doing the wrong thing, he didn't want to think about what might happen if Emile got angry in front of him.

They pulled into the parking lot of the local mall and Roman looked out the window into the large parking lot. “This is pretty big,” he said, voice carefully neutral.

“It is,” Emile said. “But hopefully no one will need to hold hands to make sure we stick together, right?”

Remy laughed. “Yeah, that won't be a problem.”

“I don’t know, I’ve lost you in the crowd before,” Emile teased. “Remember that time when we went to the museum? You practically shrieked false information about cartoons for me to come over and correct you.”

Roman snickered from the backseat and Remy blushed. “Oh, hush. Let’s just get those clothes, shall we?”

They all got out of the car and began the trek through the parking lot into the mall. Roman was shivering and Emile noticed that the jacket Roman was wearing was pretty thin. “I think we should look at jackets first, don’t you, Rem?” Emile asked.

“Jackets first,” Remy agreed. “Then jeans and shirts.”

“That’s gonna be...a lot of money,” Roman said hesitantly.

“No more than buying stuff for back-to-school for younger kids,” Emile shrugged off.

“Okay, then,” Roman said, voice still soft, but smiling all the same.

[karasunocurry]

Atsukashiyama Ibun Paris report

So I’m home and I feel like I’m in a post-convention depression more that I’ve felt after recent cons xD I was kind of sad that I wasn’t at Japan Expo Paris, I didn’t actually know beforehand they’d be there ^^; and I couldn’t take days off or afford to go either way, but I’d been looking forward to the musical for an entire week (including losing sleep over it, oops). I went to Paris on Friday and met up with Edo and did some shopping for items we needed (or didn’t need but I have a backscratcher that acts as extendable Ishikirimaru prop now xD). Later met up with Mai & Katy and then had a late but well-deserved dinner at a Japanese restaurant.

Saturday I attended the fanmeet near the Louvre. It was warm and we tried to stay in the shade of the trees. Some people came in cosplay (brave! but not smart xD) and it was fun to see all the itabags gathering. I didn’t talk to that many people but it was great meeting @sohmariku and talking about Japan and subbing. There was a lot of things going on in terms of ‘what we can do for the boys’, like signing a flag, writing short messages for Kitazono Ryo and even recording video messages (which I fucked up- and once I make a mistake I’m done for xD). Took a break early in the evening because I was tired and started getting a really bad headache, but met up with a group of people for dinner, and then went to bed. For some reason, woke up way too early every day but *shrug* it must be a jiji thing.

Sunday- performance day

Aaand then it was Sunday. I’d also decided to write letters on a whim but I only ended up writing two (for Sakiyama & Ryuji) and a get well soon card for Ryo.  I went to the venue around 10, to meet up with Edo and Katy again and check how everything would be organized. It appeared that goods would only be sold 45 minutes before the show. Uhm. I didn’t think too much of it at that point, but luckily Edo was very much set on getting in early for merch, so I was also pretty much in front of the line of one of the entrances.  Good thing too, because the goods stand was too small and too slow to allow many people to actually get their stuff. I managed to buy bromides, the pamphlet and a penlight - decided against the DVD bc I can get it cheaper online - and after I went to the toilet, they already announced that not many more people would be able to buy goods. I went in and took my seat and was later joined by Senta, who’d never watched the musical before so it was fun to afterwards hear what she thought of it and explain some more about the connection between the swords and their former masters. I wasn’t very much at the front but had a good view on the entire stage. At first the full cast and the producer (and writer?) took the stage to explain the Kitazono Ryo’s medical condition - he’d been diagnosed with retinal detachment and was advised not to act on stage, but he could do his lines and vocals. They then called him on stage, and you could tell by his posture and face that this was a very difficult thing to do. Ryo cried through his words and could hardly speak, it was so very sad to see him like this, apologizing for not being able to be on stage. He got a big round of applause and took a spot behind the audience from where he’d act out his lines. [spoilers ahead]

The musical started off differently, with Mikazuki doing a dance - immediately making the link to Tsuwamonodomo stronger - while the ‘human’ story played out behind him. They also added that smithing song between Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru. There were some obvious changes to the musical, but mostly subltle changes in conversations and little things added here and there. The overall flow of the story remains the same, of course, but the musical has evolved through time and you can tell that there’s improvement in all aspects (although it was always great haha). The presence of Kogi on stage was not a big problem for the course of the story, since his interaction is mostly limited to speaking to others, aside from the song he shared with Mikazuki and ofc in the group scenes, there is an empty spot, but even so his character was there. It was still sad to see everyone looking at that empty spot, but I’m just glad that at least he was allowed to and able to perform by speaking.

I love the scenes with Benkei and Iwatooshi - let’s be honest, Iwatooshi is the new guy at the citadel in this piece and he’s so fucking strong, bless him. Just like his former master, he’s a good man with a strong sense of duty and good intuition. And his doubt and resolve are played out very well. Araki Kentaro is also great as Yoshitsune, in every performance he’s been able to express the duality between human Yoshitsune and possessed Yoshitsune very well. 

I also think everyone grew in their respective characters and the singing was also better than before. Everyone’s performance was outstanding. Mikazuki’s elegance, Iwatooshi’s strength, Ishikirimaru’s protectiveness, Kashuu’s vigor, Imanotsurugi’s enery and Kogi’s empathy, it was all there. I just love how these characters influence each other. At the end, the fighting got more intense than it was before, adding some dramatic despair that I don’t think I felt before during that scene, and I don’t think anyone would ever complain about Daichi’s bare back :) The Idol Live part was all new!! Surprisingly, I wasn’t expecting that and as people later pointed out, it was nowhere hinted at either - no idol outfit bromides for us yet, but I’d love to get those!.I love the new outfits, they were very nicely coordinated, the original character colours were used very well, and the jackets with connecting lines look so fabulous <3  The songs were also very good! Very upbeat and catchy and boi the dance moves!! I was really impressed and as Ishikirimaru fan I’ve been eyeing Sakiyama most of the time - hard to ignore his tight pants and smooth moves xD I have a vague feeling they also gave him more center stage time? His popularity has climbed since the first Atsukashiyama run so I guess they might take that into consideration? It made me happy to see that they looked like they were having a lot of fun, despite everything, that they were giving their all in a foreign country, and by the amount of pen lights and different colours, everyone had fans and I hope they felt our love~

They also kept up with the misogi tradition where someone has to say a line in repsonse to a given situation. Mikazuki got picked and instead of giving us a line, he had to flash his back, this kinky mofo. Mario ma boy you  know what you’re about don’t you. <3 At the end they all presented themselves in French (v cute baww), aaand it ended with otokomichi as usual but that entire song/act is just A+++, it’s such a motivating song. Everyone looked happy. They got a lot of applause, a standing ovation WELL DESERVED and in the end, all pen lights turned yellow to wave at Ryo as he left his spot. I hope he got some strenth and courage from it, and felt less burdened. I went out... Edo and Katy went to the evening performance too. I was thinking of just hanging around or maybe going to the hotel but - France had just won the world cup and Paris had exploded into a chaotic soccer mess that I wanted no part of - so I bought a rank 2 ticket and went in again. (yolo is a thing, this might well be the only time to ever see a toumyu live) Things about seeing it twice:  - Ryozono had regained his composure. I think that the successful afternoon performance and the fan’s reactions had made him feel at least less worried. He apologized this time with a strong and confident voice. Bless him. - There was a scene where Ishi wanted to draw Kashuu’s portrait (ref to Mihotose), but he forgot his pen xD He glossed it over real smooth. GJ Sakiyama <3 - It was misogi time for Ishikirimaru!! I may have screamed. I wish I’d remembered exactly what he said but it was about hugging, I think my brain just melted hence the bad memory. ^^;;;

- For the idol performance we took different seats at the side to see the actors from closer by.<3  - Sadly there were a lot of empty seats for the evening performance. It would’ve been hard to get home when the musical was over so I understand but I also think they should have done a better job at promoting the entire event. It’s alway been hard to get information, most of it  had been translated by fans from the official Japanese site. People came from all over Europe and more people would come if you’d done proper promotion beforehand. Uhm... I think that’s it. It was great. I had an amazing time with the people I was with and talked to and I wish I’d been there today as well to talk about it even more but HMU ok.

Can I just say I’m into hell even deeper now? That I fucking love Tsubasa? But also Daichi? But also Mario? Actually EVERYONE??? I’m really really really happy I decided to go, best decision, kill me now (but I’m already dead), I haven’t been able to think of anything else and I’m definitely not ready to go to work tomorrow. I hope this does still open doors to more (tourabu) musicals and/or stage plays to come to Europe. It’s very niche but it’s still a growing fandom. I’m more motivated again to do some subbing to spread the love for the stages/musicals that I like and hope people will join us in this hell and start supporting the boys and their work.

<3

more random stuff on twitter

[soysaucevictim]

Week 3 + starting Fit Christmas Program & got an ornament for the DARETREE under the cut.

-

Dec. 7

I got up around noon, today.

First, today’s DD. 2; overhead un/clenching fists with EC. Did have a false start because I lost count, but then counted 205 reps in the full duration. I had to slow down a lot in the second minute - this is always pretty brutal for them forearm muscles. Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself! :D

Second, Day 7 of the ‘19AC. 1′ side plank hold. Managed the 30″/30″ in one go, after a moment to adjust my arm position (false start was a bit tough for the elbows). Took some steady breathing, but managed it.

Third, Day 1 of the Fit Christmas Program. Cardio, Level 3. I kept my rest periods under 30″ and it was still relatively breezy. I like the peaks and troughs, it’s easier to mind the knees. I think this is a good way to refill my docket with more broad exercises.

Fourth, Day 13 of the KMC. 100 turning kicks + 100 side kicks. I did this in (50/50) + (50/50), with a very brief pause after the first exercise. Didn’t alternate, because I did get some cardio in earlier and made things that much more intense.

Fifth, Day 13 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hangs. Didn’t do much of a warm-up this time, probably should’ve. I just thought the DD might’ve been sufficient. Some shoulder complaints felt, but this was still manageable.

Last, Day 13 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That I was able to go to college for the time I did. I hope to resume things sooner than later.

That I now have access to a lot of my favorite music offline.

That I haven’t opened up Steam for the past few days now.

I got too distracted to get much else done, today.

-

Dec. 8

I woke up at 1PM, today. Disappointing but unsurprising, given how late I got to bed last night. =_=

Watched a bit of YouTube before getting into my exercise proper.

First, today’s DD. 20 up/down planks with EC. That was pretty rough, but wearing long sleeves helps.

Second, Day 8 of the ‘19AC. 30″ boat pose hold. Managed it in one go, and enjoyed doing it!

Third, Day 2 of the FCP. Strength, Level 3 (took most of the given rest time between sets, this time). I occasionally played with doing one side then the next vs. alternating - just for variety. For the second day of a Level 2 program - this kinda kicked my ass. But I managed to get through it in one piece. Oof. orz

(After some recovery time...)

Fourth, Day 14 of the KMC. 2x 40 turning kicks + 40 side kicks. This was pretty doable, I just did things 20/20 with a very small pause

Fifth, Day 14 of the DHC. 50″ dead hang. I feel p proud that I managed to do this in one go! Remains to be seen if I'll need to break the time up, by challenge’s end. But I've been able to mostly keep up. Soon the increments will be 10" instead of 5". So yeah. :U

Last, Day 14 of the DGC. I’m grateful (okay, I was in A Mood this time):

For the progress I’ve been able to make in fitness.

For my brother’s contributions to the household.

For the existence of hummus.

And kimchi.

And gingerbread/gingersnap cookies.

And coffee. (Even though I probably could restrain myself a bit there.)

I stayed up rather late again. Did watch Horns and trimmed Dad’s beard, before then, though.

-

Dec. 9

I got up barely before 1PM, today, This is getting to be a problem. =_=

After a bit of YouTube, I did some exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 get-ups with EC. This was pretty intense but manageable. :P

Second, Day 9 of the ‘19AC. 1′ calf raise hold. This was pretty doable and fun work.

Third, Day 3 of the FCP. Challenge, 200 jumping jacks. Done in 2 sets of 100, with ~2′ rest. It did hit the bliss spot a few times and was pretty challenging to do all the reps in that pace. But manageable. Always gets the foot archways a bit tender and took a bit of pacing to relax the relevant tendons a bit. :P

(We then ran some errands... which I felt good about.)

Fourth, Day 15 of the KMC. 140 turning kicks, switching legs halfway (and done in one go). This went well enough.

(Just about when bro had some alarming news to reckon with... bureaucratic stuff.)

Last, Day 15 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hangs. Manageable, if somewhat deflated by external affairs...

I tried to think about the gratitude list... but I felt somehow responsible for this problem with my bro - even if indirect. And my focus just wasn’t there.

We decided we needed to get up earlier tomorrow, so this time I hit the yellow zone, anyways.

-

Dec. 10

I think I woke up a bit after 8AM.

One of the first things we did was attempt to get some help with that problem. We got our feet in that door, but will need more input tomorrow.

Once I got home, I started on my exercises for today.

First, today’s DD. 60 standing shoulder taps with EC. This was fun and manageable. Today's been kind of hectic, so this helped to chill me out a bit.

Second, Day 10 of the ‘19AC. 1′ elbow plank. I managed this in one go. It was certainly pretty tough. But doable.

(After a psych appointment that was a bit of a mixed bag, although I was medically curious about all the lab work that was ordered. And then getting home... and also making some food...)

Third, Day 4 of the FCP. Tendon Strength. I enjoy these kinds of workouts. Took some awkward attention to the timer, since sound cues were pretty quiet underneath the music I had playing. :Ic

Fourth, Day 16 of the KMC. “10 balance kicks side and turning both each leg, no putting your foot down.” I’m happy I was able to maintain focus well enough to get this done, even with a little bit of wobbling.

Fifth, Day 16 of the DHC. 55″ dead hang. Bleh. I made two attempts at this and kept dropping in the last ~5″.  I think in between them - the effort counts. I think I was just too tired today.

Fourth, this year’s DARETREE. 3k punches for the star ornament (jumping jacks or kicks were also quite tempting)!  I did it in 3 sets of 1k, in just under 40'. All jabs and crosses, this time. I swapped stances every 100, mostly. Had a few lapses in attention - but still kept a good count. It was hard to decide, but mission accomplished!

(My arms are probably going to be very sore, in a few days.)

Last, Day 15 of the DGC. I’m grateful

That my brother doesn’t blame me for what’s happening.

That we have some potential directions to go down in response to that  development.

For chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

I was pretty beat from everything and actually got to bed on time.

-

Dec. 11

I woke up proper a little bit before noon (though I did get up a bit earlier for a short time.)

I got some lab work done and me and bro discussed things with the case manager.

After that, some exercise for me.

First, today’s DD. 400 backfists with EC. 200/200 certainly takes some willpower! But I was happy to meet this challenge - even if a bit sore from yesterday's punching for the DARETREE! :,D

Second, Day 11 of the ‘19AC. 2′ balance hold. Did have a false start with timer on desk and my neck really didn’t like that. Then I set it on floor, and kinda just barely held it together. Wobbled a bit, but good enough.

Third, Day 5 of the FCP. Abs & Core, Level 3. This was pretty breezy, so I rested under 1′ between sets for more of a challenge. It was nice to rest the head for the flutter kicks, too.

(After a bit of a music break...)

Fourth, Day 17 of the KMC. 80 double turning kicks. I did 40/40 in one go, pretty easily.

Fifth, Day 17 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hangs. As usual, these days are nice and easy. Relatively speaking. Perhaps some soreness in arms is a factor (and probably will be more so, tomorrow.)

Last, Day 16 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

For the guidance offered by the case manager.

For take ‘n bake Gourmet Veggie Pizza.

For the chance to sleep in a bit more today, to recover from the day prior.

Watched a bit more documentaries before turning in.

-

Dec. 12

I woke up a bit after 8AM, today.

Got to the facility, did some drawing, attended WRAP Group, and socialized while there.

Got home, messed with Twitter and watched some docs before exercising for the day.

First, today’s DD. 50 side bridges with EC (25/25). This was certainly made tougher due to not enough sleep. But I'm happy I got through it alright. :P

Second, Day 12 of the ‘19AC. 1′ side elbow plank. Managed 30″/30″ in one go. Also a challenge for the DD being a variation thereof and involved the same muscles.

Third, Day 6 of the FCP. Challenge, 100 calf raises, I managed it in one go. It was certainly not a cakewalk.

(I decided to table KMC/DHC, due to lack of energy.)

Last, Day 17 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

For Nutella, even if it certainly is pretty indulgent. :P

For the contributions of agencies like OSHA, USCSB, FDA, etc. in their aims to protect health and safety of both worker and customer.

That I may have a chance to try using a binder soon, we’ll see how that goes.

Despite tired, got to bed in the red zone. :/

-

Dec. 13

I woke up a bit before 1AM.

Watched a bit of TV before going shopping with Dad and Grandma. Got some Christmas gifts - among which I got Dad a recliner. Which was nice to be able to do. I spent a bunch of my day watching documentaries and hanging around Twitter.

But I did some of my exercises today, even if it was a rest day.

First, and I will count it as such, with a good deal of bro's help - we just did a bit of a clean and rearrangement of the living room to better accommodate the recliner. All the up and down was p tough on my knees and feet - and overall felt it kicked my ass a bit.

Second, today’s DD. 50 knee-to-elbow crunches with EC. I was shopping and getting help from family to move some furniture around in the living room - so I did it late. That was tough - but I liked not having to put more pressure on my knees and feet.

Second, Day 18 of the ‘19AC. 1′ reverse plank hold. Managed it in one go - but it wasn’t a cakewalk. I was just happy my feet didn’t complain while I was doing it.

This was another night where I went to bed late. But I’ve been periodically watching bro gaming - which is fun.

-

I’m going to post this now and go draft the next week’s post shortly.

[a-woman-apart]

In Comes Creeping Dark

Author’s note: I wrote this post yesterday and ended up not posting it until now. I do actually feel a lot better today, but this is just a peek into how things go for me when depression is wreaking havoc on my body and mind.

My dad had to go back to the hospital recently. It seems like he is becoming more stable, but I was really worried for a bit. I thought about going up right away to see him, but I have just been feeling so drained. Obviously visiting him takes priority, too, but there were a few things that I was hoping to get done before going up there.

As usual, those things have not been getting done. I have mostly been staying at the house feeling absolutely miserable, binging podcasts and Netflix, and sleeping at odd hours. Before I heard the news about his re-hospitalization, I had plans to go to a play being put on at my college (Cats) and I did keep those plans even though I felt horrible. I really enjoyed it and it did help to get out of the house for a bit. Also, I wanted to go to support my friends who were a part of the show.

Even though going to the play was a good coping mechanism, I ended up calling the crisis line last night because I couldn’t sleep and was experiencing suicidal ideation. I was consumed with worry for my dad, and feelings of self-loathing with regards to how I have been handling my life. I really thought that I was out of the woods with my depression, but as much as certain parts of my life have been looking up sometimes I just feel like it is all too much to deal with. I had begun to feel better physically since starting to take the vitamin D, but over this weekend a lot of my old fatigue started coming back. Right now it feels like my whole body aches and there is just a deep sadness in my heart.

I still have my wits about me. I know that killing myself right now is probably the worst thing that I can do. My dad is already struggling with his health, and I can only imagine how terrible he- and my family- would feel if they lost me in the middle of this difficult time (he mentioned this himself). I wouldn’t be around anymore to offer support and that would be truly tragic. This is a time for me to be strong. Also, even if life comes to an end for my dad, life continues for the rest of us, and there are so many moments to treasure and new memories to be made. Death is an inevitable part of life, even if it comes for some much sooner than those left behind would have expected.

I told my best friend that I am tired of being strong. When I talked to the lady on the crisis line, she said that it was good that I was still concerned about keeping my obligations, like not missing too much work and doing well in school. I had told her about how I could only have six unplanned absences at my job in a year before they would need to do a review, and I explained how I had used them all last year. So, every time I think about skipping, I ask myself if this is really one of the times that I really want to skip or I want to save that time for when I am truly sick. She said that a lot of depressed people know that they are facing those kinds of consequences and that their job might be in jeopardy, but they just keep skipping, so she commended me on being self-aware.

I also told her about how I had put all my leftover medications in my car (I still need to recycle them) so that I wouldn’t have easy access to them and wouldn’t be tempted to just take a bunch of pills. I told her that I live alone and I was aware of how final a suicide attempt might really be. It wouldn’t just be like, “Oh I’m going to take all these pills, and someone might find me and save me before I die, and I could just spend time in the hospital to escape from life” it’s more like if I was really serious I would be gone for good. So, I really needed to think twice about following through on attempts to harm myself. The crisis line attendant told me that it was really good that I was able to think things through like that and was taking steps to avoid that temptation. She also told me that she was really glad that I called.

So, I know that I am doing “all the right things” (except exercise, I guess, though I do walk a lot on campus during the week). I am aware of ways that I may be thinking illogically, and taking steps to avoid making decisions that I will regret. I still have my job, my money, and my apartment. My GPA is high and I have an amazing performance with some of my favorite people to look forward to. My dad might not be doing too well, but I can still cherish the time that I do have left with him. I have people in my life who love and support me. My weakness is sitting alone in my apartment wracked with guilt and regret, and dreading the start of another work week. My weakness is the pain. My weakness is thinking that one day the pain will get to be too much, and I will crumble underneath its weight. My weakness is that it hurts so much, that recently, any time I start to laugh really hard, I start to cry at the same time.

How do I explain that despite everything that I know, that despite everything that I have going for me, I am basically inconsolable? The person on the crisis phone said that it was normal to feel everything that I have been feeling. I am reminded of how my mentor said that it is important to “feel the feelings” and not to squash them. Well, I am trying to crush the hell out of those feelings. I don’t want to face them. I just want them all to go away. I guess, though, that if I didn’t feel anything when my dad had cancer I would be a total psychopath, or just someone who had a terrible relationship with her father. The relationship has started to heal, even though there are still problems. I just wish that I had a guarantee that we had a little more time.  

My two favorite songs about death are “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie, and “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry. The first, I love because it is perfect for someone like me who does not believe in heaven or hell, and the latter because to me it is just a beautiful song (not because I specifically identify with it). When I listen to or sing these songs it is automatically comforting somehow. I have been attempting to listen to more music as a coping mechanism. Last night I listened to The Bright Eyes’ album, the one that has “First Day of My Life” on it, because I realized that I had never listened to that whole album before. Their songwriter definitely has some lyrical chops. Music is therapy.

I need to realize that with a lot of the things that are bothering me, I do not have full control over them. I cannot heal my dad, or increase his will to live. All I can do is support him in the best way that I can. I may have ambitious plans for a weekend, but if the physical aspects of depression are too debilitating then all that I can do is cope the best that I can. I can’t make myself have energy that I don’t, I can only treat my body with kindness. I am always going to have days where it feels like the depression is too much to take, but the only viable option in this case is to push through the negative feelings. The only alternative is just giving in and letting it take over my life, which isn’t something that I want to do.

[brainwad]

Cosplacon 2017 Con Report

 Okay, so, I’ve just spent the last few days at Cosplacon.  It’s a fairly small event (compared to the likes of Dragoncon, etc), but it is so much fun.  Maybe because it’s so small, it has a really great atmosphere.  It’s also pretty much the only con in town, as it were, unless you want to make the trip out to either Saint Louis or Kansas City.  (Mind you, there were attendees who came from Topeka, which is realy impressive.)  This is my third year attending this con (any con, in fact), and the first time I’d stayed for the whole thing. 

DAY ONE

Thursday was interesting, because (as some may know) I have been gearing up for a move, and that move took place on Thursday morning.  So, I’d spent the first half of the week frantically packing and boxing and getting things ready, and Thursday morning was spent trying to get stuff loaded into the new place so my parents would have less to do when the time came to unpack.  (Yes, i live with and help take care of my parents, who are both disabled to one degree or another.  They encouraged me to attend the con, because I pretty much spend all my time working either at my job or at home, and need a break to do something for myself.)  So, when the time came to leave, I was sweaty and dirty and desperate for a cold shower.  (June in Missouri is no fun.)  Once I was feeling relatively human again (though still kinda tired) I donned my Rocket grunt costume from last year and joined the festivities. 

The con has a Pokemon League (strictly for fun, not an official Pokemon Company thing), and I registered my team for that.  It’s pretty cool.  The folks running it do it as a labor of love, and it really shows.  Not only do they spend their own money printing trainer cards and making gym badges, they created a region with lore and even a *soundtrack*.  I tried to do the “story mode” challenge, but got flattened by the Flying-Type leader in my second match, so then it just became trying to get as many badges as possible.  I’m not super knowledgable when it comes to competitive play, because I don’t really do much of that sort of thing, but I did put together a pretty solid team.  I might do a separate post about that later.  Maybe.  Meh. 

Every year, the con also does a sort of scavenger hunt, with little stuff scattered throughout the hotel.  Collect all these “achievements” and you win...something.  I think it’s a pass for next year.  I probably could have done it this year, but I chose to spend most of my time between specific events hanging out with the Pokemon League crew.  Some of the achievements included finding the key to the TARDIS, Facehugger eggs, and the stones from the Fifth Element.  (This being the fifth year of the con, there was a Fifth Element theme.)

There weren’t a ton of events that first night, but I did catch the Iron Cosplay competition (teams are given a collection of random pieces out of which to create a costume and character backstory), which was a lot of fun.  I kind of wished I could have attended some of the panels hosted by the Egg Sisters on Prosthetics and Make-up, because I think that kind of thing is really fascinating, and they are amazing at it.  I didn’t rally go much into the game room, where there were Smash Bros tournaments and things like that.  Most of the gaming stuff I did was just playing Pokemon.  After Iron Cosplay was the Welcome Party, which was also a lot of fun.  After that, I hit the sack.  There’s usually some kind of dance party or other kind of late night hootenanny, but I’d been up since 5 am and was exhausted.

Turns out that would be a running theme.  Not only were the people in the next room pretty rowdy (I think they were teenagers out on their own for the first time), but my room was directly adjacent to one of the maintenance/cleaning closets, so I got to hear all the banging and thumping of the door and housekeeping carts. 

As a sidenote: If a hotel room door is locked, STOP TRYING TO GET IN.  Also?  Instructions for the damn shower would be nice. 

DAY TWO

After waking up WAY too early, I finish up my Janky McCree cosplay (which I should have gotten a picture of before it all fell apart) I headed down to the League and did a bit of battling before leaving for the Q&A with Eric Stuart--the voice actor for James and Brock of Pokemon, among others.  It was enjoyable and informational, but I think a lot of us kinda blanked when the opportunity arose to ask questions, and the majority of questions came from the same handful of people.  He struck me as a really cool guy, though. 

I would have liked to go to the Marvel vs DC Round Table or the panel on samurai swords by Samurai Dan, , but I opted to go to the Q&A instead.,  That happened a lot.  Like, a lot of the events that I wanted to attend were scheduled at the same time, while other times, there were stretches where nothing really jumped out and said COME TO ME.  I kinda wanted to go to the Cosplay Runway, which was a non-competitive costume parade of sorts, but I wasn’t too happy with my McCree cosplay and also wanted to keep challenging gym leaders.  I definitely wanted to go to the Harry Potter round table, but things with the Pokemon League took longer than expected, and I missed half of it.  That was okay, though, because I still had fun.  And if you’re enjoying what you’re doing, that’s what’s important, right?  Also, it’s important to schedule time for things like food.  So you don’t, like, die. 

That even was the cosplay skits.  They’re usually good, but this year, they were AWESOME.  I tried recording everything, but I did end up missing a couple because I had to run up to my room and grab my phone charger.  I did miss a dance number I hope someone recorded and will post to youtube or something, but the other skit, I wasn’t too upset about missing, mostly because the guy doing it was a creep who’d caused problems with the League crew, and wouldn’t have been very entertaining anyway.  There were dance numbers, musical performances, short dramatic skits, a HILARIOUS Gothic Lolita presentation (”SQUAT!!! Wigglewigglewigglewiggle!  CRRRRRROOOOUUUCH!!!”) and a couple of girls tossing inventive shade at each other, which I kept expecting to turn into a number from Wicked.  Normally, the winner of the skit competition wins a pass for next year, but there were so many awesome skits, the judges decided to award one to everybody (including that creepy guy, but they couldn’t very well say “Everyone but you). 

Following that was a really fun Avatar: The Last Airbender discussion.  I kiiiinda wanted to go to the Fifth Element Ball afterwards, but I was feeling pretty shy about jumping into a dance party, seeing as I dance like a parody of a white guy, so I hung out with the League and got some food. 

Then, so friends of mine from work showed up and we wondered about a bit, taking in the sights before deciding to go to the drag show, which was a lot of fun.  I did have to explain to my friends what a drag king was.  They had an intermission, and I kinda wanted to stay for the rest, and I kinda wanted to go do karaoke, but it was near midnight already and I was bushed.  So, I said goodnight and tied again to get some sleep, getting only nominal success. 

DAY THREE

I finished up my Guzma costume after getting Not Enough Sleep.  By the way, I nearly blinded myself twice putting on eyeliner.  There wasn’t a whole lot grabbing my attention as far as morning events, but I did have fun battling with other Pokemon trainers and just walking about taking pictures and even getting my picture taken.  I was really bummed, though, that a lot of the attendees who did Team Skull grunt cosplays weren’t doing them that day, because I would have LOVED to get a picture with as many Team Skull peeps as possible.  I did attend a need panel on digital art, hosted by the head of the con, Rodney. 

After that was a Pokemon Speed Training tournament.  basically, each person was traded three random level one pokemon and we were given an hour to train them up as much as possible, before facing each other in 3v3 battles. I ended up with a Klefki, a Corsola and a standard Grimer.  i wasn’t too terribly happy, but I figured I would give it a shot.  (Again, I’m not a super competitive player, but even I knew Corsola wasn’t super viable for competition.)  And I actually managed to get to the final two!  Unfortunately, my opponent had a well trained Golem and one-shotted everyone on my team with Earthquake.  But I had fun! 

Again, not a whole lot scheduled after that which grabbed my attention, so, more hanging out before heading in to the Cosplay Royale.  The Cosplay Royal is the big cosplay competition, with professional judges and everything.  There were some AWESOME cosplays in this one, though not as many entrants as there were last year, if i’m remembering things correctly.  But the quality of the costumes were so good, they added a couple categories. 

After that, Eric Stuart gave an acoustic concert, and I got a signed CD.  I’m always a little leery when someone says they’re Also A Musician, because a LOT of people are Also A Musician, but he was actually really good.  There was one slightly obnoxious guy who tended to talk through the performance, and not super quietly, either.  After that, I wanted to go to the Dance Party or even the Cosplay Burlesque, but I reeeally needed food and sleep.  Which Brings us to...

DAY FOUR. 

Today!  I got a little more sleep this morning, despite there being a HUGE thunderstorm crashing around outside.  No cosplay today, just dressing comfortably.  Everyone was pretty low-energy today compared to the previous few days.  I think there were a lot of hangovers, and the accumulative effects of Not Enough Sleep.  Even Rodney, the head of the con, aka “The Green Flash”, was subdued.  There was the Father’s Day brunch and the Pokemon Carnival, where everyone got the chance to battle the League again, but not a lot else.  Most people were gearing up to leave before checkout at 11.  I did actually get all eight badges, but didn’t succeed in challenging the elite four.  Then came the closing ceremony, after which people basically headed out.  The hotel is pretty empty right now, and I enjoyed a nice long nap.  I will probably sleep better tonight and be in a pretty good state when I leave tomorrow, which is good, because I still have basically unpack all my crap at the new house. 

[cosmic-poetics-livity]

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

10 Tips for Reducing Anger

A cheat sheet to the cutting edge in anger-management

Posted Jan 15, 2015

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Source: wikimedia commons

The following is a partial distillation of ideas my colleague and I have more fully exposed in The Anger Fallacy. They're in no special order, except perhaps in as much as the first should probably come first. Some, admittedly, only touched on here, may require some unpacking (in particular 6, 7 and 8); but for those of you who cannot access the book, I'm happy to answer questions and to respond to comments!

1. Understand that anger is a problem

If you’re not convinced of this, then anger management tips will go right over your head, like sex tips aimed at Tibetan monks. How is anger a problem, you ask? Surely it’s healthy, and useful to some degree...?

Anger is unhelpful in a number of ways, but there are a lot of commonly used arguments that I won’t bother with: ‘Chronic anger will give you a heart attack.’ Yeah, OK, whatever. So will smoking, and stress, but it’s years down the track. ‘Anger’s not nice; people don’t like it’. 'Um... that's the whole point', you might respond! You may not want to be a 'nice' person; and you definitely don’t want people to like it. ‘Anger doesn’t feel good, it makes you unhappy’—sure, but presumably you already know how it feels, and it hasn’t stopped you yet. No. Anger is a problem first and foremost because it is an ineffective way of operating in the (social) world, can occasionaly backfire, and ultimately ruins relationships. At its core, anger is an evolved intimidation strategy. The most publicised instances of anger occur in war zones, in traffic, and in hotel lobbies. But surveys tell us that approximately 80% of day-to-day anger actually occurs with family and loved ones whom you care about (by definition). These aren’t necessarily people you wish to bully and intimidate. Actually, anger is much less effective in getting people around you to behave ‘correctly’ than, say, heart-to-hearts, cajoling, incentives, or calmly stated assertiveness. And even when anger does have the odd pay-off—your husband remembers to lift the toilet seat or your housemate turns the music down—it comes at the cost of warmth and intimacy, and tends to come back to bite you (in the form of defensiveness or escalation mostly). Just about every bit of research out there suggests that having warm (non-angry) relationships is the key to human happinessand emotional wellbeing. So this is no small cost.

2. Monitor your anger

I strongly recommend keeping an anger log over at least two or three weeks. You may be surprised at what it reveals. As well as raising insight, it can help you to take a detached ‘observer stance’ with regard to your anger. Monitor any and every episode of anger, from fleeting moments of frustration or impatience, to extreme rage. For each one, note down the facts of what went down (neighbour’s dog still barking despite our asking them to deal with it); the intensity of your anger 0-10, where 0 = no anger, and 10 = maximum rage; any thoughts or images you were aware of during the scene (wringing the dog’s neck, keying the neighbour’s car, memories of the conversation you’d had with him the week before, etc.); any other feelings you may have experienced in the scene (e.g. anxiety, dread); and what you actually did (ranted to wife). This habit of systematically describing your angry outbursts is often all someone needs in order to gain a little perspective. Give it a whirl.

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3. Feel the anger and DON’T do it anyway

Anger interferes with problem-solving and good judgment, and makes you rash and rigid in your thinking. This is why even the most articulate person you know can be reduced to repetitious expletives when enraged. Ambrose Bierce, the American satirist, wisely remarked, “speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” While fear drives us to flee, anger drives us to aggress and confront. Anger motivates revengeand retaliation. Unfortunately, the best revenge is not, as a rule, to live well. Anger is a poor guide to happiness. Hence my counterintuitive advice to ‘Feel the anger and not do it anyway’—the flipside to the pop-psychology slogan. I would recommend you: go to bed angry (despite your grandmother’s advice); sit on the angry email for a day or two before sending it; walk away from a fight where possible; and seek advice from a (non-angry) third party before taking any hostile action. If you still wish to carry out these actions when you’re calmer, then go ahead. They may coincide with self-interest. But, chances are you won’t want to. In the heat of anger you’re likely to make decisions you’ll regret.

4. Watch yourself angry: the Federer cure

The angry are often proud of their anger. Even if they leave a scene having achieved nothing (such as giving the finger to a car that pulls in front of them), they often experience a warm inner glow of self-satisfaction as a result of their actions. They appear to believe they’ve just accomplished something tough, powerful and righteous. This is not, of course, how they are perceived by their victims, spouses,

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The man in the mirror

Source: Pixabay/ CC0 Public Domainor onlookers… And more interestingly, it’s not necessarily what they themselves might think if they could watch themselves from the outside while not angry. It's worth seeing or hearing yourself genuinely angry at least once in your life. If it’s difficult to catch yourself in a spontaneous fit of rage, it’s worth replaying an angry scene in front of the mirror. According to tennis great Roger Federer, who was a racket-smashing brat in his junior years, it was watching himself throwing tantrums on TV that put him off it for life.

5. Look after yourself

All other things being equal, the state you’re in as you enter an anger-provoking scene will influence the severity of an anger episode. If you are stressed, tired, sick, hungover, agitated, or in any kind of emotionally compromised state when you encounter an annoyance or provocation, then your response will be magnified well out of proportion. So it's worth being on the lookout for such factors. I’ll unpack a few of the most common culprits:

Alcohol abuse is the most common co-morbid condition of patients presenting with anger problems. The recent king-hit murders attest to how vicious a combination alcohol and aggression can be.

Fatigue and stress would have to come next: 96% of Aussies wake up tired, according to a recent sleep survey conducted in my hometown. Fatigue shortens the fuse. Get some rest!

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Other known anger exacerbators include unmet needs or drives (hunger, thirst, lust, etc.); sickness; pain; and, no surprises here, PMS.

Reducing background variables is a good, easy start in the fight against anger. Get some sleep; take some time off; streamline your week; delegate; relax; improve your diet and so on. In short, look after yourself. When these things are unavoidable, then I believe awareness that you’re in a compromised state can be half the battle. Being stressed and tired might make you more irritable when the kids are fighting in the back seat; but insight that your state is a factor might help you realize they’re not entirely to blame. It might also be a reason to put off that phone call to your father until after you’ve had a nap and some alone time…

6. Understand the ultimate source of your anger: SHOULDING

Most people believe that it’s other people’s behaviour that makes them angry. Your son is texting at the dinner table; that just is irritating; and anger ensues. End of story. The problem with this oversimplified model is that it doesn’t explain why the other people at the dinner table aren’t irritated by your son’s behaviour (your son first and foremost of course). It doesn’t explain why something can annoy you one day, and not another. I can remember in my twenties being genuinely irritated by people who used the word ‘disinterested’ when they meant ‘uninterested’; I now think this is a ridiculous and snobbish reaction. There’s no single event that reliably angers everyone all the time. And there’s no single event that never angers anyone any of the time. Insisting on paying the bill might insult a date; but letting them pay might be an even graver offence. Then again, depending on the person, they could just be chilled either way. A cartoon depicting the prophet Muhammad may infuriate some individuals, and amuse others, depending on their position on the matter. I was sharply upbraided by an old man the other day for eating a mandarin near him on the bus. I remember thinking, ‘now there’s a first’. But it shouldn’t have surprised me. You don’t get angry because of external events alone, but because of how you appraise those events. Anger always involves framing behaviour as ‘wrong’—not-as-it-should-be. The man on the bus thought my eating a mandarin was inappropriate—disrespectful perhaps; of course most wouldn’t have this appraisal, but he did. If your son’s phone use at the table annoys you, it’s because you hold that family members ‘should’ engage socially at the dinner table. Your spouse mightn’t necessarily have that expectation, and nor might the boy’s siblings, quietly watching TV out of the corner of their eye. Anger is shoulding.

Positively fuming with righteous indignation

Source: wikimedia commons

7. Become less judgmental

If anger is driven by internal rules of how others ought to behave, this makes it a very ‘self-righteous’ emotion. But if you can see some of your rules for what they are —‘just the way I was brought up’ or ‘my way of doing things’—then it will naturally seem silly to judge others for not following them. It helps to remind yourself of the many different ways in which humans around the world operate. In many parts of Asia, it is considered rude to enter a restaurant with your shoes on; in most Western restaurants it is considered rude to take them off. Who’s right and who’s wrong here? We’d say there’s no answer to this question: they’re just two different sets of rules. You may believe it is wrong to smoke marijuana; many Jamaicans would disagree. You may object to homosexuality or women in politics or lovers kissing on public benches. There’ll almost always be someone who agrees with you, and others who staunchly oppose you. That’s because these things are matters of opinion, not fact. Must people work hard and strive to reach their fullest potential, or is a breezier, more spiritual life acceptable too? You probably have opinions on these things, which is fine. But if you walk around convinced your opinions on how people must behave are right and universal, you’ll live a restricted life, as well as an angry one.

8. Think like a scientist, not a lawyer

The angry speak a lot about the bad ‘choices’ people make, and what people ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t have’ done. Logically speaking, if you believe someone should have acted differently, you must believe they could have acted differently at the moment of performing the (mis)deed. But being the person they were and seeing things as they did, there’s only one thing they ever could or would have done. To do something else they would have had to have a different brain and held different beliefs. If you can get your head around this, and make a habit of explaining people’s behaviour rather than simply condemning it, then you will be a good deal wiser, as well as calmer. We strongly suggest replacing ideas of ‘responsibility’ and ‘blame’ with those of causes and solutions. This is essentially what scientists do—they try to work out the causes behind events. You may shake your head rather unsympathetically at your uncle’s gambling problem. But a scientist asks, ‘What causes this person to gamble?’ The answer to this question will be complex, and will potentially involve factors from his personality, beliefs, knowledge base, mood states, physiology, as well as from his upbringing, environment and culture. This is very different, mind you, from saying it’s right or good to gamble, or from resigning yourself to someone’s behaviour. Taking a scientific explaining approach rather than a moralistic blaming one makes people’s behaviour more understandable and as a consequence easier to influence. And of course once you understand the causes of a behaviour, there’s nothing left to get angry about. You see its inevitability. And all that remains is a problem to solve.

9. Empathise

Empathy overlaps somewhat with ‘thinking scientifically’, except that it’s more intuitive. Empathising means living in the skin of someone else. It is an antidote to anger, because it’s hard to condemn someone if you really understand where they’re coming from.

Anger almost always involves an inability to get the person you’re angry at. It stems from a failure to understand them. This is why so much anger is expressed verbally in statements of apparent astonishment or perplexity:

Why the hell would you do something like that?

What’s gotten into you?

How could you ... ?

I can’t believe this!

What was she thinking?

These, incidentally, are actually very good questions to ask yourself in earnest when you're angry, but people only ever intend them rhetorically (and pejoratively). Often, interestingly, the people we profess to find the most perplexing are those closest to us, whom we'd be best placed to empathise with. A couple I saw recently was fighting over domestic chores. As it turned out, the husband liked things to be clean and hygienic, but was relatively oblivious to tidiness; the wife needed things to look neat and orderly, but didn’t worry that much about dust or germs. Each thought that their own standpoint was sensible, and that the other person’s was entirely neurotic. The truth is: neither of these viewpoints is silly or hard to relate to. They simply reflect different concerns or priorities. Most of the time it’s not so much that individuals can’t relate to one another, it’s that they just don’t: they’re blinkered by their own point of view and place more importance on making their own points than on understanding others'.

Some of you may have seen the televised argument between Ben Affleck and Sam Harris on the heated topic of the dangers of Islam. Affleck blatently misconstrues his opponent's point of view. Harris attempts to explain himself, but Affleck feels he's heard enough. He's too angry to listen. Interestingly, Harris, in a blog after the event, rather than retaliate, writes that he gets where Affleck was coming from: "If I were seated across the table from someone I “knew” to be a racist and a warmonger, how would I behave?" This is another case where making the effort to understand the other person’s viewpoint can diffuse anger.

10. Get your facts straight

Angry people often display a bias toward interpreting others’ behaviour as hostile, deliberate, or nasty, even when they lack the information to really be sure. They’re occasionally right, of course, but very frequently they’ve gotten something wrong, or taken it the wrong way. The simplest first step in reducing your anger is to take a moment and make sure you’ve got all your facts straight. Are you sure the acquaintance who passed you by really snubbed you and didn’t just not see you? Can you be certain that your wife’s forgetting to pick up the milk was really a personal sign of disrespect, and not just an oversight? Are you positive your neighbour is playing that music just to spite you? Is it really fair to say that so and so is always late, or that such and such never does anything nice for you? Are you sure you've understood your opponent's position? If you aren’t positive beyond a reasonable doubt, why not suspend your judgment, pending further evidence. Innocent until proven guilty. This little habit alone can save you a lot of unnecessary grief, or should I say grievance.

[wishingfornever]

1/31/2018 – No Contact:  Petty Bourgeois Emotion

If there is a God then he would truly be a tyrant.

Sorry… Starting off a bit strong.  The point is, I realized why I haven’t been able to tend to my journal as of late.  I got a TON of hours lately.  So much so that I can’t really handle the journal.  I get home late at night, consider writing in my journal, but I forget. Then I have to fall asleep.  I hear my cousin in the other room…  I don’t want to wake her.  So, nothing gets done.

A lot of work means little time for play.  My days off consist of me doing nothing for an hour and then realizing that hour lasted the entire day.  D’oh.

Work went well today… was thinking of some of the things I wanted to tell you but haven’t due to… well, the workload.  It’ll lighten up in a bit.  I work today (current time being 12:45 in the morning, which means I would have been the 30th of January instead of 31st had I hustled, but whatever).  I worked yesterday, of course, and it went… well.  The day before, not so much.  The 29th…  Really bad.  I don’t think Diana likes me.

I’ve been punished for my lust.  :/

I thought my manager I have been closing with did too.  No, she’s just usually annoyed.  She speaks so softly and I can’t hear that well because everything was loud with my dad.  I really realized I’m not fond of my dad, lately.  :/

Regardless, work went well today.  It’s a tuesday, so better than monday. January is the Monday of Months, of course.

My manager was late for her bus on the 29th.  Yesterday (or today, whatevs) we got out at a regular time.  It’s great.  I hope she caught her bus but idk.  I had a lot of time to think, mind you. Think of… what?  My life?

I’m feeling more centered. Found… several songs.  One is an animation…  Beautiful, I think. Just… it appeals to me.  I have it on repeat, basically.  It’s… given me a bit of hope.  I listen to the lyrics and… well, I relate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRpiBvwKX6c

The song is called “The Villain I Appear to be” which is apt.  Listen to it… maybe you’d disagree.  After reading what you’ve read. Knowing what you know.  Maybe you’ll know better.  Maybe I’m not familiar with the villain I really am.  Hard to tell.

There are several other songs.  Expanded my favorites.  It’s… helped. Music is a salve for the soul.  These songs, I’ve stumbled upon in one way or another… they’ve been a light when I’ve been totally isolated in solemn darkness.

There is this song… makes me think of Esther.  I think I’ll keep it to myself.  It’s a good song, but I’ve already shared one in this post.  Won’t share another.

Man… Was thinking about Dennis earlier today.  Months ago, I was coming up with a plan.  I was going to call Esther a whore or something?  I wouldn’t have meant it but if Dennis exploded at Shane, he’d DEFINITELY exploded at me.  So, I would have picked a fight.  Would have been easy.

Again, months ago.  I was more angry then.  After he blocked me when I thought we could reconcile.  Bullshit.  That’s still bullshit.

Whatever. Point is, after doing some weight training… I’m not sure I could take him.  Not confident in my strength anymore.  This is why I think God is a tyrant.  This was the one thing I had faith in and now… it’s gone.  I had nightmares where I’d just decay and my muscles would weaken.  Maybe that was my body trying to tell me that my horrors became the facts.

I’m not pleased.

Needless to say, I’m not trying to get in a fist fight with Dennis.  Not anymore, at least.  I need more exercise first, and even then… I don’t think I have the heart for it.  Then again, the ORIGINAL plan was to have him hit me but I know he wouldn’t do that.  We’d have to agree on the fight to make it legal.  It’s on private property, so it should be fine.

I thought about it long and hard.  Again, not the plan anymore.  I guess the plan is to keep bitching about them until I get tired of it.  Yay?

Been watching a lot of streamers lately. Probably a bad thing.  It’s been making me late.  I’ve considered streaming myself.  Gives me someone to talk to.  I am starting to feel the lack of friends.  I’ve selected this solitude for myself. How generous I’ve become.  D’oh…

Oh, my NationState.  MN Has been INACTIVE.  Yes, for reasons.  Mostly that I’m busy and the responsibilities stress me the FUCK out. Like, really.  Life sucks.  -,-

Among my musical discoveries, I also discovered the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen.  A PornStar.  At least, she was the most initially attractive woman.  Her name I Mia Magma, born several years before me.  A German woman and it took me forever to discover this.  I saw her doing a very passionate blowjob and I couldn’t even fap.  She just had the face of an angel.

Later, I discovered her teeth were somewhat peculiar and she doesn’t have much of an ass, unfortunately.  Ah, well.

Still, she’s a beautiful woman.  I made a PornHub account just to say she’s beautiful.  Used my public screen name as my private screen name was… taken.  I avoid numbers.  Bad luck.  So, I said fuck it. I don’t have anything to hide from anyone.  Why should I care?  Oh, what if someone finds me?  Finds where I live and kills me?  Bah!  I don’t care.  Doubt they would.

That said, I realized I might not have mentioned this.  I was watching A LOT of porn and I was concerned that I miiiiiight have had viruses. Could have explained the blue screening too.  So, I found an antivirus.  Got a years subscription.  Would get too but I’ve been talking to one of my cousins about getting a new one.  Seems since the bitcoin bubble, prices for computers went up.  I think I mentioned this, actually…

Regardless, I’d have to get a new antivirus if I get a new computer and I think this one would at least last the year.  I found USB drives at work. Cheap and should be big enough for this file.  I’ll move the important files over to it and work directly from there.  Hopefully, if my computer dies before I’m through, I’ll be prepared and I won’t have to salvage everything or start over.

I woke up this morning screaming.  No, didn’t dream about Esther. Leg cramped.  Right calf.  I could feel the muscle in a place it wasn’t supposed to be.  Not a good sign.  Thought today was going to be bad.  It may have been… a little bit.  Again, for the most part it was good.  Tiresome though…

I’ve been trying to get back into gaming but… eh.  It’s sort of why I wanted to start streaming.  So I could have a REASON to get back into gaming.  It’s not a good way, but it’s something.  In fact, I should probably embrace not gaming.  It might help.  Idk.

You know, I don’t ever get to share what I want to share.  I know I’ll forget something but…  Eh.  I’m going to watch a French-Iranian movie called “Persepolis.”  I just downloaded a picture quoting the movie so I figured I’d enjoy the source material.  After, might play a game of… something and go to bed.  Idk.  Tomorrow, I don’t work.  :D

Persepolis… was a really good movie.  Though, I think it hinted that she (Marjane Satrapi) was raped at one point?  Two men and she was sleeping in an alleyway.  I hope she wasn’t.  :/

I liked how in the movie, she wasn’t afraid to portray herself as the villain.  She acknowledged what she was doing was wrong.  As a child wanting to gouge out the eyes of another child and other instances into adulthood.  Heavy stuff.  Of course, some cases… she did what she had to.  Still, she regretted what she had done afterwards but she acknowledged that they were wrong.  She didn’t hide her own injustices.

As a Communist, that’s good.  In a debate, Stalin and Mao are inevitably brought up.  Can’t deny they happened, can only educate as to WHY it happened.  If the fools you’re debating refuse to learn then they aren’t looking for a debate but a confrontation. You won’t sway minds because they’re not offering their minds to be swayed.  They have nothing on their mind beyond, “You’re the enemy” despite not knowing why.

There is a lot of history.  Concerning imperialism over Iran, the war with Iraq, the religious dictatorship.  Marx said religion was the opiate of the masses.  I wonder if Satrapi is a practicing Muslim.  Wouldn’t be surprised… she thought she’d be a prophet when she got older. Have sections where she spoke to god directly.  Then there was Karl Marx, which was interesting.  Apparently, after doing a bit of research, she compared Marx to God?  Yeah, that sounds like something ripe with controversy.

Still, as I said, I wasn’t expecting much communism in the movie.  I mean, the picture I downloaded… it says “Love is a petty bourgeois emotion” with Marjane looking at a dog.  I thought the movie was going to be about something else, I didn’t realize the heavy political undertone.  I like how everyone but Marjane and her mother have American accents.  They both have Iranian accents.  Of course, the religious guard have actually… kind of soft and gentle American accents.  If it wasn’t for the fact that they were the bad guys, they’d be… adorable.

They all look the same and when they’re not harassing people, they seem quite earnest.  Weird to say.  Like, they confront Marjane because she’s running and that makes her butt jiggle.  She explodes at them (love a strong woman) and they’re confused and almost sad.  Again, these guys are all interchangeable with one another.  Not sure if that’s intentional or not.

I hope… my books sell well enough to the point that I can contact Marjane.  Ask her questions, trade ideas…  She is the Frida of my generation.  An incredible and deep artist with Communist tendencies? Yes, please.  And I think her and her family are terribly clever.  I respect that.

I feel like I’ve been getting more dumb lately.  Spelling errors, punctuation errors, etc.  I’m slipping.

I also want to talk to her now.  I need… guidance.  Someone who can understand me.  She had depression and I certainly do.  We have different backgrounds but I get her.  Of course, she parties a bit more than I do.  She’s not a social outcast, now that I think about it… but she is a wide eyed dreamer.  Typical communist, I know.  ;)

I’m not like Marjane.  Maybe she won’t understand me, now that I think about it.  But we are likeminded… perhaps a better word but eh. Could just be wishful thinking.

Eh… I found a page on facebook… as well as facebook profiles.  There are tons.  Think adding her is too personal.  I liked the public page.  I want to send her a message but… what would I say?

Hi, I’m a young 20 something with NOTHING happening in my life and I feel like a chronic failure.  Our only similarities is that we’re both communists and struggle or used to struggle with depression! Please respond!

I… don’t like messaging famous people. I feel like I’m just… trying to get attention.  I don’t like being noticed by the streamer while watching twitch for similar reasons.  I feel a lot of guilt for something totally irrelevant.

So… I ended up venting in a stream.  Mentioned that I want to message Marjane.  Someone told me that if I were to ask for guidance ask if she has time to chat.  I just discovered her.  That’s… rushing things, I guess?  I don’t know.  Maybe I should research her more? I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.  :/

Ugh… I’m caught at a bad time.  Very bad time.  But that’s life, eh? I’m going to go to bed.  Maybe… maybe I’ll message Marjane tomorrow.  Talk to her… share my story…  Or something, I don’t know.  All that I know is that I know nothing.

Time is 11:50.

I was offered a job at work today.  Discount Tire.  Overtime is 20 per hour.  Not sure what it means for regular pay but it’ll be better than Dollar General.  I’m excited.

I’ve been feeling very… inspired, I guess.  Not necessarily inspired positively or negatively just more susceptible to emotions.  When I found out I’ve been noticed, I was just agape with joy.  I was hoping earlier that it’d happen to me because I was thinking the universe was turning against me.  That maybe I wouldn’t get the chance to see Ariel.  My frivolous spending spree has set me back by a lot… I won’t get a card until next week.  I’ll call the number and get set up.

I’m excited.  More money means Ariel comes sooner… but I also said I wanted to leave.  I’d leave later because this would be a more serious job.  Maybe I could get it when I come back?  If I come back? I don’t know.  I’ll see how I feel.

[thecharmingwildflower]

A Quick Refresher

This blog is a continuation of a previous blog of mine. It’s about my progress through anxiety. Here’s all of my previous posts:

21 May 2018

Have you ever heard a song that changed you? One that really shook you to the core? Three years ago that song was “Sing” by the ever so iconic My Chemical Romance. To this day, it is still my favorite song. Anyways, recently the illustrious Shawn Mendes released a song called “In My Blood.” And, let me tell ya, since I first heard “Sing” I have never heard a song that shook me so hard. This song is actually about Mendes’ anxiety disorder, which only adds to the power behind it. According to Wikipedia “Mendes has been open about his anxiety disorder, which he disclosed publicly through “In My Blood”;” and honestly, I think it’s a perfect song. Here’s what he said about it:

“I spoke to a therapist a couple of times […] Therapy is what works for you. Therapy is listening to music and running on the treadmill, therapy is going to dinner with your friends—it’s something that distracts you, that helps you heal and so it just depends on what you think therapy is. I made a conscious effort to be more connected to the people in my life. I found I was closing myself off from everybody, thinking that would help me battle it then realizing the only way I was going to battle it was completely opening up and letting people in.”

Honestly, his song describes my life in a manner that’s almost terrifying, and his statement says something that I haven’t thought about enough. Depression and Anxiety isn’t only the lack of will to do things. I’m constantly on discord with friends, or practicing an instrument or working, but I don’t let people in. If you read my blog (which is highly improbable) you would probably know that. It takes baby steps to get better, so maybe I should start with my friends. Maybe I need to face my problems by letting people help me. And here I am, in my history class, about to cry my face off because of Shawn Mendes. Maybe I sound like a thirteen-year-old, but I guess that’s okay.

—

I wrote the first part of this at about 10 this morning, so let me recap the rest of my day from 10 tonight. I was doing so well until about 12:30 and then I just lost it. I don’t know what hit me, I guess it was like an episode. I even talked about trying to switch schools or something because no one cared about me. That all seems irrational now but it sure as hell didn’t feel that way earlier. I opened up to a few people, mostly people that already had an idea or that knew about my anxiety though. I also tried to open up to my parents, to which they basically just said “I get it” “everyone feels that way” “I’ve felt that way” “Why don’t you open up to us more?” “Why don’t you pray?” All things, might I add, that you should never say to a depressed person unless you have gone through things with them.

In the fourth grade, my teacher told me that when someone’s relative dies you never tell them you understand because you don’t really. Maybe you’ve lost a relative and know that it’s sad, but you don’t know that person’s specific relationship with that specific relative unless you’re really close to them. Having depression is like that too. You can feel depressed, maybe you even had depression but just because you’ve experienced it before, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you know how the person you’re talking to feels. It’s better to just be there. Just listen. Don’t try to import yourself unless you know that person is okay with it.

Praying also bothers me because, to me right now, it’s like this giant douchebag in the sky made me with a mental disorder and the cure-all panacea to that is to ask said douchebag to fix me because I love him. And on top of that he’s gonna condemn like half of my friends to hell for being gay, and maybe even myself for being bi. But I should still love and worship him anyway because he might not and an entire civilizations worth of people have been wrong for 2000 years. I appreciate when people pray for me, and that they go to their highest power and ask him to help me. But sometimes I have a hard time comprehending all of that, so telling me the best way to fix it is to pray and not actually work out my problems really just doesn’t help.

Sing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTgnDLWeeaM

In My Blood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlkBLwl4aBM

One good thing that happened today:

There was a double rainbow after my therapy session. I don’t really know about God right now. He and I have had our differences if he’s even there. But if he is, I hope this is a sign that I can get better.

Jo

20 May 2018

I genuinely don’t know if I’m going to finish out the school year. I only have about three weeks left (two if you count exams) but I’m just so incredibly done I can’t even put it into feasible words. I just want to sleep honestly. It’d be even better if there was no limitation to how long I sleep. But now I have to go to school, go to work, go to the therapist and repeat supplementing a different activity for ‘go to the therapist’ every day, and on top of all of that I still have homework. I don’t get anything going on in a math-related class, I’m tired as fuck and I have about three tests and two projects due this week. I just don’t know if I can actually pull through with an A in any of my classes except for, like, band.

Something good that happened today: I became the official first chair flute at my school (if I haven’t already said) but in a more literal sense because we had our last concert this year). My band directors boyfriend even came (then again he comes to all of our concerts). I saw a few of my graduated friends.

18 May 2018

One of the biggest struggles of living with a mental disorder is that telling people about it sucks. According to some source I read, some 40% of children struggle with a mental health disorder before they graduate college. *Note* that does not make your struggles any less real. Despite this evident factoid, I don’t talk about my problems. It makes me feel like I’m being clingy or grasping for attention. Because of this, my therapist is the only one that knows the key struggle to everything: although I’m not suicidal I genuinely wish I wasn’t alive. I feel like it’d be better if I’d never existed in the first place, which is ironic because I was artificially conceived. Ah, irony, sweetly stabbing me in the back once again. Being stabbed to death by irony, I feel, is a very savory way to die. 

No one else knows why I’m depressed, not even my closest friends, albeit a few know that I have depression and anxiety. Most importantly, my teachers know nothing. I’m a rather good student but some days are hard. I’ve been known to completely fail a random quiz leaving my teacher in awe at how I, a 95 average student could get a 48 on something as infinitesimal as a vocabulary quiz. And when my Chemistry teacher tells the whole class we’re literally not going to get into college because we failed a chemistry test, she doesn’t understand that it stresses me out more than it would most people.  And I pretended that I was just sick to the boy that tried to comfort me because what can I say, I cry a lot but I hate to do it in front of other people because, again, it makes me feel like I’m dragging attention to myself. Just note that even if someone says they’re okay it doesn’t almost mean they are. Please act accordingly.

A good thing that happened today: I won the award for best sophomore musicianship; I won it for freshman year too. Since obviously, you guys don’t go to my school you should know that this is the only award you can win as a freshman, sophomore or junior.

Peace out,

-Jo

I think a blog would be good to run.

I can’t promise that I’m some god tier writer and I also can’t promise myself that more than like -1 person will read this but if there’s one way to help me find a will to live it’s to write about life … or at least that’s what my therapist says.

-

The idea here is to write about something good that happens every day, so I suppose I could mention that my religion teacher gave me a 120 on the project that I did based off of tumblr pictures and homestuck music. I find it a particular type of irony, like the kind that laughs at god because yeesh homestuck is Satan’s work (but hey the music is pretty good right?). I also discovered the name of my band directors boyfriend. Since I (allegedly) go to a Christian school, this factoid becomes even more significant once you enlighten your brain with the fact that my band director is also a man. Not that this is surprising to any of you because he’s a band director and this is tumblr. So anyways, please do enjoy my shitty blog that’s gonna give me a will to live. Good night y’all.

[soysaucevictim]

This time, it’s the Ninja Training Plan... I just like to change things up for the time being. Might poke some programs/challenges again soon.

-

Oct. 12

I’ve been up since a bit after 11AM, today.

Mostly was back on my usual downtime activities before getting in today’s exercises.

First, today’s DD. 30 raised leg circles with EC. Not much to say other than this was very doable work.

Second, “Quick Warmup“.

Third, Day 1 of the NTP. Today’s high burn workout was “The Floor is Lava“, done at Level 1 with EC. Though I did feel tempted to do 2 more sets, my ears were starting to feel a bit... stuffy, again. Which is a shame, because I really had moments of bliss during the routine - and may well consider this a personal favorite workout! The conceit was also fun, in a childlike way (and I think bouncing motions on balls of feet are generally better for the ankles anyways).

Last, “Top to Bottom“, for cooldown. I don’t normally like this one ONLY because it’s a really lengthy stretching routine. But you can’t beat how comprehensive it is. Also, wow, balancing was hard with tired calves.

-

Oct. 13

I woke up around 10AM.

Spent some time on the usual, before doing my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 1′ back arch balance hold with EC. I do enjoy this exercise a bunch, balance work is fun like that! :D

Second, “Classic Warmup“.

Third, Day 2 of the NTP. Today’s casual training workout was “Epic Abs“, done at Level 3 with EC. This was another super fun workout to do today! I think getting into the rhythm with music and syncing breath tightly with the crunches made the difference!

Last, “Fullbody Stretch“.

After a bit more of the usual, I settled down and decided to try that Pomodoro Technique to keep me focused on art production. Which I believe worked!

-

Oct. 14

I woke up a bit before noon, today.

Spent Some hours on the usual, before exercising.

First, today’s DD. 10 archer push-ups without EC. Did kind of do it twice, first time forgetting to alternate sides, but both times with abysmal form. I did it one more time on my knees. with better depth and form. But not well enough to feel I earned EC. 

(After dishes and dinner...)

Second, Quick Warmup.

Third, Day 3 of the NTP. Today’s high burn workout was “Siren“, done at Level 1, kinda with EC. I walked into this going, “YEAH, this is gonna be fun! A lot of my faves! I think Level 2 would be doable!“

I don’t know wtf was wrong with me - but I really struggled to maintain balance on off side even at a fast count. My knee was WAY too tense and I rapidly lost my chill and patience. I think DOMS-y calf muscles MAY of influenced things, but man was I NOT on my game today. (I’ll still consider this a favorite workout, just was NOT in the space for it, clearly.)

Last, “Top to Bottom”, for cooldown. Despite feeling rather unhappy about how “Siren” went.

-

Oct. 15

I woke up at around 8AM.

Got to the facility. Seeking Safety was pretty informal, normal facilitator was on vacation, the sub realized a bit late but the usual people stuck around and chatted about grounding stuff (and the power outage - because everyone was).

After that, I did today’s DD. 100 side kicks with EC (50/50). I had some fun doing them despite being sleep deprived. :D

Though I was worried about doing so on battery power (because taking my chord with me slipped my mind for some reason), I decided to spend the rest of my time at the facility working on that art stuff some more before leaving for home.

One of the first things I did while back was bake some brownies and largely did the usual noise.

It wasn’t until like midnight that I got around to my exercise. :I

First, “Classic Warmup”.

Second, Day 4 of the NTP. Today’s casual training workout was “Overhaul“, done at Level 1. This was another case of last-minute change of plans - I determined my energy levels really wasn’t up for “Core Sculpt“. I figured march steps and full planks were better down-gear exercises than elbow plank variations. I thought about upping the level - but it was getting too late as it was. A pretty fun workout, though.

Last, “Fullbody Stretch”.

Despite sleep deprivation, I still went to bed obscenely late. orz

-

Oct. 16

I woke up around 1PM, today.

Spent a good deal of time on the usual, before doing a little bit of exercising and whatnot.

First, today’s DD. 2′ arm scissors with EC. I enjoyed the exercise and counted 235 reps by the end - so close to 2/sec and was quite the challenge to get there.

After dishes and dinner... I got way too distracted to get to my intended workouts. Oops. I ate far too much sugar and caffeine so. Yeah. :I

-

Oct. 17

I woke up a bit before noon today.

After a few hours of the usual, I did my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 1′ plank punches with EC. I counted 41 reps by the end. Probably one of those plank variations I really like, mostly because of the punching part.

Second, “Fighter’s Warmup”.

Third, Day 5 of the NTP. Today’s combat workout was “Heartstriker“, done at Level 3 with EC. I decided that bounce-switching for all the side kicks would be most aerobic and fun. It was also a joy employing Skull-Shining Breath technique to the rhythm of the kicks (kick - tap - bounce; full forceful exhale - 1/2 inhale - 1/2 inhale). The only thing worth complaining about was me flirting with heartburn/indigestion as I went, pffft! :,D

Last, “Fighter’s Stretching”.

I think I went to bed at a more reasonable time after that.

-

Oct. 18

I woke up a bit before 11AM.

Did some of the usual, was roped into playing cards, too. Spent some time doing laundry, some dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and making dinner. So I wound up exercising late (being on my feet so much kind of hurts...).

First, today’s DD. 1′ toe tap hops with EC. Counted 81 reps by the end, was a bit dubious from being on my feet so much today. But it was a doable pace. :D

Second, “Classic Warmup”.

Third, Day 6 of the NTP. Today’s casual training workout was “Gut Control“, done at Level 1 with max rest (because it was late and I found myself needing to play catch up.) This was just manageable - a bit of neck strain, but I got pretty good at quickly dropping into the crunches.

Fourth, Day 7 of the NTP. Today’s casual training was more old DDs with EC. Just 2, because of my time and energy levels (and to hit EC #1330).

February 6, 2016 - 100 bridges. After that ab work - working the lower back and hamstrings felt like a natural choice. Hams and glutes got to burning by the end, but I’m happy I could do it!

March 6, 2016 - 100 backfist + side kick combos. Didn’t specify, so I opted for 50/50 approach. A smidge less aerobic and a bit easier with achy knees. Regardless, I enjoyed this one greatly!

Last, “Fullbody Stretch”.

After that, I did a bit more gaming and put away some laundry.

---

I’m going to post this now and assess what I’m going to do next, shortly.