#i feel soooo much stronger and appreciative mentally

[spr1ng]

uhhhh

[mrnightingale]

DBDA Character Appreciation Week: #4 Niko Sasaki

I love her sm!!! Outfit ideas here by @katygorl

The yellow one is w a pastel highlighter, and the other two w colouring pencils and greyish purple and violet highlighter. I really like this one, I think I'm starting to find a colouring technique I don't completely hate!!! Whoohoo! (Btw in the purple one, the flowers on her top and boots are two different types of Violets, and she's holding a pink sea glass bc palasaki my beloved ones, they're matching ✨✨✨).

Words can't explain how much I love Niko, she's incredibly sweet and friendly and empathetic, and I love her dynamic with practically every character in the show, but what I love the most is that we can actually see on-screen how much she grows through the chapters, how stronger she's getting. I love DBDA because it portrays how different people deals with their feelings in a realistic way, how every teen has their own problems and it takes them with the care it deserves, it doesn't feel exaggerated but every topic is given the adequate seriousness it requires, and honestly is such a masterpiece in the storytelling and pacing through the chapters between the cases and their own character arcs that their evolution doesn't feel rushed at all, but then you look back and see how much they changed, and is really heartwarming.

I love Niko because at first she's locked up in her room and doesn't talk with anyone, and slowly starts opening up with Crystal, and the boys, and then you think she's okay, but she's not. Dealing with depression and mental health issues it's much more difficult than it might seem from the outside, because one day you're feeling Good Enough to go and talk to people with a smile on the face, but that doesn't mean you're really okay. That just means you're feeling Good Enough to keep the mask on through a conversation. And Niko feels pretty realistic and natural to me because healing requires time, and support, and the agency is supporting her but they're not rushing her up to join on cases until she's ready, and that's beautiful. I think it's beautiful bc it shows a healthy environment that provides comfort and support and she's getting better thanks to it, and thanks her own hidden strength, and they're helping her realize where that strength comes from.

And, idk, as I have already said millions of times, I really love Niko and Edwin's relationship, it feels so genuine and heartwarming and bro I want the Niko to my Edwin soooo bad. Help. But my point is. I think the best word I could find to describe their relationship is "comfort" bc they can be themselves with each other, talk about their problems without pressure, knowing that the other will accept them no matter what and will help and support them and, idk, the scene when they're watching Scooby Doo while Niko writers the letter to her mother and Edwin is just there, not intervening but just saying there so she's not alone, idk, it spokes so deeply to me. Like if they could face everything as long as they have each other. I know there's always been Charles and Edwin, and they fighting together against everything, but the relationship w Niko is set in a different emotional basis and I think that's something Edwin needed, being able to talk about his feelings, and the same with Niko.

Brooooo help I love this show so fucking much, it's a masterpiece in every aspect but I'll never stop rewatching and looked amazed by the characters. They're unapologetically queer, and real, and they deal with the Life, and oh fuck, Life is hard as hell, Life is a kick after kick and punch after punch and somehow we have to keep living through it, and I feel so seen when I look at the screen and I can relate with some things that I used to think they were so personal and that I was alone w that, only bc there wasn't any representation of it. We're not alone dealing with Life, and this masterpiece of art that it's Dead Boy Detectives shows it perfectly.

It's queer and flamboyant and bizarre, you have ghosts running for their afterlifes, you have a psychic dealing with her toxic demon ex-boyfriend, and a quirky witch and her familiar twink that actually shows real abusive relationships, you have a Cat King whose only relationships are shallow, and a Night Nurse that knows everything about everything and still has a lot to learn, and you have Niko, a lonely, aloof girl with two dandelion spirits in a bell jar in her room, a girl who grew up with the support of their friends and started to live again, and love again, and love Life, and still, she gave her life for their friends.

And her death matters.

[miyuwuki]

Hello! Congrats for the 500 followers! ^w^ happy for you and you deserve it! Keep on continuing snd more people will be supporting you! So I am now here for the match up >:> i'm excited! (MBTI) Soooo I'm both Istj/Enfj TvT I know both are different but took multiple test both keep coming up.... (Personality!) I'm like a dom woman but like a good girl too? (idk if that makes sense TwT)- I am smart but really really crazy, very friendly (just come up to me and talk to meh for hours we friends >:>), a people pleaser, loving, respectful, easy going, chill, very patient, very supportive, not good with emotions, caring and responsible. Also I can be egoed, sarcastic, sassy, very down to earth, understanding, stylish and easy to influence and be naive. (ಥ‿ಥ) (likes) Anyways I am into musics, arts, cooking, learning, reading, laying in bed, listening to someone (Of course not someone who is not making sense and is just chill but interesting), exploring and more likely to do sport and create stuff! (dislikes) While I don't like people who are being annoying and being very so clingy, who who doubts me, bullies mah love once/or the people I care about (mama bear here >:>), who doesn't listen, kept making excuses, dishonest and people who can't keep a promise. (Who I'm looking for) Okay here we go! I am into loyal guys and can be a best friend while a lover- Being like a caring father (mostly for my mental issues and protecting me when I can't defend for myself) and be mah baby and a sweet heart for loving and supporting me (OwO maybe someone who depends for my care too). I have been influence to watch knb by a friend now I am obsessed TvT anyways that's all about me! and again congrats for the success! keep on going! (* ^ ω ^)

a/n: hello ty!!!! im glad you’re here!! enjoy the event @mavoumeen !!

DIAMOND NO ACE

kominato ryousuke

ryo!! ryo loves your switch sides so yeah, he totally gets you. he has a strong urge to protect you and take care of you because of your naive nature; he doesn’t want you to get hurt, so he always intervenes when you’re in a situation like it. one time, a group of really mean girls were picking on you, but you thought they were being nice! so before you bought them drinks from the vending machine, your boyfriend comes up to them and says “i bet you don’t even know their name.” and they just left. awkwardly. when he tells you that they were using you, you let your mouth loose. “damn, everyone wants me huh.” as a joke ofc. he laughs, he loves that sadistic side to you because he’s much the same. it’s often that your dates consist of just enjoying each other’s company,, like you’ll be in his dorm and he’ll be studying and you’ll be reading. sometimes you both will take a stroll in the park, or even play some baseball together! ryo is very honest and not clingy at all; he is so busy with baseball (and even busier that he’s continuing in university) that he won’t make you feel trapped. you see the way he cares for his brother; he takes good care of you and is like your best friend; you can rant to him, cry, whatever. he doesn’t judge and in fact, he falls in love with you even more. he is constantly supporting you, even if he doesn’t say it. 

KUROKO NO BASKET

mayuzumi chihiro

LET ME EXPLAIN !! your crazy side meshes well with his quiet side, like opposites attract LOL. he loves it when you go off, being sassy and all that, he usually just snickers to himself. when he opens up to you, you get so interested because he doesn’t open up to anyone really, so hearing what he’s like fascinates you. i feel like sometimes he doesn’t take good care of himself, so he appreciates your nurturing nature, even if it’s a lot of nagging. you are mayuzumi’s #1 bestie, so you guys have a very close relationship. he tells you everything he thinks and the more expressive he becomes, the stronger your relationship is! of course he is your #1 fan, but will intervene if he has a different opinion on something. he is so patient, so while you learn how to deal with your emotions, he’s there cheering for you on the sidelines. he will wait however long until you can open up to him :) he’s usually watching over you because of how naive you can be; he’s the logical one, and you’re the emotional one. like i said, opposites attract! he loves you so much :))

*＊✿❀reblogs and likes are appreciated❀✿＊*

[tragicomedys]

asahi!

NATTTTTT !!!!!

How I feel about this character

HES A COOL GUY i like asahi even though he isnt entirely my fav/my type! i appreciate him a lot.... anxious gentle giant type character... i love how strangers always mistake him as a delinquent type even though hes so kind. also have you seen how the guy looks ... hes arab your honor

All the people I ship romantically with this character

i dont really have many romantic pairings i like too much with him!! but my friend likes asanoya a lot so i suppose that one i like!

My non-romantic OTP for this character

ASAHI AND THE OTHER THIRD YEARS OFCC WITH SUGA AND DAICHI theyre soooo good

My unpopular opinion about this character

asahis a stronger ace than hes usually made out to be in fandom i feel!! like, in terms of moral support and mentality and stuff like that. tbh i feel that for many aces in haikyuu cuz the only ones that are usually paid attention to are the top 5 aces but ! asahi and the others have their own strong points that they give to their teams

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

i think i woulda liked to see him just be an ace more i suppose... but i guess since his character arc was done and hinata is the main spiker paid attention too asahi didnt shine too much after his arc finished you know? he had his moments but they were a bit scarce for my liking!

SEND ME A CHARACTER !

[dontbesoweirdkira]

Ok, I was gonna ask you about something else, but after reading the part 2 of the Mic and the exchanged student, I'm in DIRE need to see the part 3 where she has to start her hero career and she, obviously, need his help(not because she is not capable of starting it by herself but because she just needs him to continue to be by her side like it always has been)! Pretty please! Thank you! 💗

A/N: SKSKSK hOw cOUlD i sAy nO to tHat prEtTy PwEasE uwu. Haha yeah totally i’ll do this. Sorry if this comes out a bit late i’m working on some things. Thanks for requesting <333 Any requests let me know!

-So you know that bonus thingy i did in the last one? Where the parents were mean and all that? Well let's continue with that story line, I feel like that’s a bit more interesting for this!

-So i feel like after everything went down, realistically your parents would have forced you to come home and not contact Hizashi. Which sucks because he was the only one that really believed in you, And Japan became like a second home, even though your japanese isn’t the best and you may not look like everyone, you grew to love it and appreciate it. The thought of going back home to your parents stormed in your stomach

-Hizashi hated the idea too, he felt like your parents were mentally abusive and he really hated the idea of you going back. He talked to you and wanted to know if you wanted to get others involved and what not so you didn’t have to go back and leave the school. But you didn’t want to go through that whole process

-Besides you were “almost an adult” and soon able to start your hero career. You somehow convinced him to let it go and have faith you’ll be okay.

-”Alright Y/N, If you ever want it, you can always have a job under me and my agency. Even if you don’t wanna be a hero, you can work on my radio show.”

-Damn leaving Present was like the hardest thing. He was like a positive father figure that you always wanted and finally got, then when everything was good it got ripped away. It hurt so badly.

-Plus present took it so hard because he felt it was his fault, ‘Why did i have to say something?’ ‘It’s all my fault’

-Going back to your home country was like heck? Your parents forced you to stop with all this “hero mess” and made you go on a “more stable” path. They took away all your devices and stuff so you can “focus” but in reality they wanted to make sure you weren’t contacting Present or looking into hero stuff.

-Damn You’re really wishing you took Present up on that offer and let him help you stay

-You couldn’t work on your quirk or train so while everyone was asleep you’d do exercises and warmups Present taught you

-In those few years you were so miserable, and all you wanted to do was go back to japan and go on the path you always wanted to. You missed Hizashi and the friends you had made, Here you were lonely and tired, but there you had so much life and happiness.

-So secretly you were saving money so as soon as you get a chance, you can get away. So occasionally you’s ask for 20 or so dollars to get “books” or “go to the mall” when in reality you were just storing the money away in your secret trust fund lol.

-By the time of graduation you had enough money saved up to go travel, thanks to the extra help of graduation money from family members of course.

-As soon as you got home you brought a ticket, reserved a hotel and packed all you bags and left to the airport by the early morning. Whew you felt as if you were running from the Feds and for some reason that gave you a rush of excitement you hadn’t felt in a long time.

-finally you get to see Hizashi after all this time

-When you got to Japan, you went to the first place you could think of. Present’s agency. You couldn’t quite think of where else to get to him, so this was your first resort.

-Upon arriving you were so nervous. What if Hizashi didn’t even work there anymore?? What if he didn’t want to help? After all you kinda of cut him off even though you promised to keep him posted every once in a while. Although that wasn’t your fault but maybe he hated you for it?

-Either way it was too late now and you were already at the front desk, standing awkwardly standing

-“Hello dear, is there anything I can help you with?”

-“u-Ugh wEll uHhh???”

-“....“

-“....”

-“Do you have an appointment...or….”

-“nO...yeS? Haha i'm sorry, I'm looking for Hizashi Yamada. I’m an old friend and he told me to come here if I ever needed him..?”

-“...right...Your name?”

-“Y/L L/N.”

-“I don’t see you name under any notes or messages for him. By safety protocol I cannot let you up past this floor without a proper appointment or verification.”

-“Well is there anyway that I can leave him a note..with my contact and such? Or a way to set an appointment?”

-“Yes I can leave a note but I cannot guarantee he will see it and you can only make an appointment if you’re an endorser.”

-“Ah I see, Well I guess I’ll just leave a note then? Here is my name and number and can you just tell him I’m back in Japan. I need to talk to him.”

-“of course.” The lady at the front desk smiled as she finished writing the small note and moving it aside with the others

-You began to make your was towards the exit only to be stopped dead in your tracks when you heard an all too familiar voice boom through out the lobby

-“YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH WHATS UP OFFICE LAAAAADDYYYYY! ANY NEW MAIL FOR ME??? HMM HMM????”

-Turning around, your eyes met the sunflower blonde male that leaned against the counter with a Gigantic smile across his face.

-suddenly a similar smile he wore, slapped across your face as you unconsciously shouted

-“H-hizashi?!”

-instantly his eyes landed upon you, yet his award winning smile vanished and turned into a tired expression

-ugh another crazed fan waiting at the front desk for him.

-except you weren’t, you were his most favorite person on the planet. However you looked so different. And he could hardly recognize you.

-For a moment he just stared at you with the utter most bleak face, until it hit him.

-“America?”

-“Mr. Hizashi!”

-HE IS SOOOO HAPPY SKSKSKSKSKS LIKE BRO HE THOUGHT HE WOULD NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.

-HE SMILES SO WIDE AND LITERALLY JUMP HUGS YOU

-“MRSSSS. AMERIIICAAAA.”

-he has a moment where he pulls apart and just gazes at you

-i-is that tears in his eyes??

-awww so soft

-sMotheRs yOu In kIssEs (friendly forehead ones lmao)

-He’s just so happy to see you looking healthy and safe. He loves you so much, even if it’s been years.

-“I thought something bad happened to you, I tried emailing and contacting you but no response. Oh I’m so happy I get to see you again! Are you okay? Are you hungry?? Wait let’s go talk at a restaurant.”

-So you guys go to a restaurant and talk and reconcile about the past. Apologized for not responding and talking so long to come back.

-“No worries I’m just glad your here now! How has hero work been? Signed with any major companies.”

-“Haha um actually no not yet.”

-“WHAAAAT?! What are you waiting for?? I’m sure by now your quirk skills and everything has gotten waaay better now with all the training you’ve probably had there. I’m sure you’ll get signed just like that.”

-“Actually Hizashi. The last time I actually trained or really used my quirk was the last time we trained together.”

-He literally thought you were joking. No that’s not possible that was years ago.

-“No I’m serious, my parents wouldn’t let me do hero work after all that went down and they limited the use of my quirk. These past years I’ve been studying to be a pharmacist because my parents says it’s a more realistic job for someone like me and hero work is nonsense.”

-What no? They couldn’t of held a grudge that long? No you were on such a good path to become a hero. He was sure of it. The world really needed someone to step up, with the rise of crime and he knew you could do it. So for your parents to say “nonsense” was so unbelievably stupid.

-“What?” that was all he could muster hearing your news

-“yep! And I couldn’t respond to you because my parents took away all my devices, and gave me ones that were restricted and only for school research purposes. Everything about heroes or quirks that wasn’t related to Pharmaceutical Purposes wasn’t allowed. I actually saved up cash for years and gathered up the money I got from graduation to buy a ticket and a small apartment here. Although I’m sure my parents will be hot when they noticed I left the country, but at least I’ll be thousands of miles away and safe from their antics right? Haha.”

-He was so shocked. He didn’t think him telling off your parents and protecting your from them while you were in Japan, would cause them to go to such extremes. What kind of people?

-“Y-yeah. But don’t worry I’m alive aren’t I!” You laughed out

-He smiles at your attempt of optimism and nodded in agreement

- “Do you still want to become a hero?” He asked twirling his spoon around in the soup he earlier ordered

-“W-Well yes. Actually I do a lot, this world is becoming more cruel and I really hate sitting back and seeing these innocent people who can’t fight back get hurt everyday. But I know it’s hard but It’s something I really still want to do.”

-“Okay then, Y/N I’ll train you and help you become a hero. In the moring I’ll start paper works and a letter to get you into my company under me. I’ll make sure you become the hero you always wanted to be...that I always knew you could be.”

-“Wait are you serious.”

-“Only if you are. We’ll train in the early mournings and I’ll take you with me on patrol at night so you can get a feel of what it’s like. I’ll guide you Y/N and do better than I did before. I owe it to you.”

-And after that, that’s exactly what happened

-you guys were out on a morning run by 5 and working out at the gym around noon. Around 11 at night you guys were on patrol until 3 am. And this went on for months

-He pushes you harder than you possibly knew your body could be pushed

-You your quirk became much stronger and stable.

-teaches you different techniques and gives you pointers on where to go out on patrol and how to look for suspicious behaviors

-you’re under his company and training for about a year or so before you break off and go on your own. He makes sure you’re fully confident and he knows that you’re at a good spot beforehand though.

-You actually get signed under a big company and recruited for a few others all over.

-Before you left his wing, you made sure you thanked him for everything and that he was totally fine with it

-which he was

-He’s still always beside you though. You knew in your heart you still needed his guidance and his friendship in your life, and same for him. He really adores you and doesn’t want to just say goodbye. It hurt so bad the first time, he couldn’t imagine how it would feel departing again.

- He checks up on you everyday and make sure to go out to lunch every one in awhile.

-When you’re kind of lost or stuck or need a shoulder to cry on, he’s always right there.

-“Hizashi...I don’t know. Maybe my parents were right and I’m really not cut out for this. It’s so hard and I’m so tired. I just really want to cry.”

-“Hey shh, don’t worry you’re doing great. It just gets hard sometimes but trust me it’ll get better. I’m right here for you.”

-If you parents did come back to Japan and came to harass you or what not, Hizashi is instantly there protecting you and makes sure they won’t ever do that again. You are not going back to the U.S. with them, even if he has to get the legals involved he would.

-Send little gifts to him every so often as a thank you.

-You stay in Japan for the first couple years of your hero career but then branch out a bit to different countries

-collecting Souvenirs and postcards to send back to hIzAsHI

-When you become super successful he’s like “See Y/N, what did I tell you? You’re going to be fucking great.”

[thestitchywitchy]

So I dont really have a question so would you mind just doing a general reading? Thank you! Sending you so much love. Thanks for being an awesome person.❤💜

Holy crap, love! Thank you for your donation!!! I appreciate you soooo so much and I’m sending you lots of love

I would love to do a general reading for you! $9 = 9 cards.

This advice is for your month to come.  Hope this resonates!

Current state - 5 of Pentacles

All righty, dear...So it looks like a sickness or disability is currently affecting you. I’m leaning more towards disability because the energy feels like its been around you for awhile. For the next month, you’re going to have some good and bad days dealing with it. Please dont get discouraged on your bad days. Just rest as much as you possibly can! You deserve some down time.

 Theme this month - Page of Cups

Lots of creative energy surrounding you this month, love! Following your curiosity will behoove you greatly. It could lead you to new ideas to express yourself artistically and possibly even open up some opportunities for you to collab with others. It will be important for you to trust your intuition this month, so do your best to not second guess yourself!

Key goal - The Devil

The key goal for you this month is to release your attachment to things that no longer serve you. You hold the fear of getting out of your comfort zone and its restricting you from fully accepting blessings that the Universe wants to give you. Start saying Yes to things that intrigue but have been too afraid of in the past to try. Start saying no to things that dont interest you or have your well being in mind but you said yes to anyways because you didnt want to hurt someone’s feelings or you felt like that is what is expected of you or for whatever reason! If it doesnt serve your highest self, dont waste your time with it, love!

Obstacles to overcome - 8 of Swords

This kind of goes hand in hand with The Devil card from previous. You’ve put yourself into situations that you may feel stuck in. I feel it has a lot to do with not disappointing others so you feel that you have to get involved with these situations in order to please them and keep the peace. You need to overcome that mentality! You have every right to say no to people or situations that dont serve or, or quite frankly, just shit that you just dont want to do. period.  You’re not required to do anything that doesn’t serve your purpose. The more often you start using the word No, the easier it will be for you to loosen the binds you feel stuck in and overcome this reoccurring obstacle for you.

Major accomplishment - Strength

Love, I am so proud of you! It looks like this month you will definitely be working on your bravery and stepping out of your comfort zone. I know we’ve been talking for awhile about doing so and you keep getting better and stronger with it as time goes on. I know its a bit hit or miss some days, but you’re doing it so beautifully!! Notice and reward your strength this month because this a major accomplishment that you’re going to be hitting time and time again this month. 

What to avoid - 3 of Rods

Typically, there is nothing wrong with wanting to plan your future, but this month Spirit is asking you to be a bit more free spirited. Your constant need to plan is also what is holding you back from getting out of your comfort zone. It’s like when an opportunity arises for you but you second guess it because it doesnt align with your future plans so you say no to it. You gotta stop doing that, bubs! I advise you to be a bit more free flowing this next month and see where it leads you ^_^

What to embrace - 10 of Pentacles

You should definitely lean on family this month when you’re in need. Not only are they there for you on the regular, it just feels like you’re going to be need a little bit of extra help from them this month. You may or may not run into some financial turbulence that your family will help you with. Not necessarily give you money (although a high possibility) but they may have some solid advice for you and your finances!

Where to find support - Ace of Pentacles

OOO I love this! Spirit is asking you to find support in Spirit. Spirit is on your side this month and wants to help you manifest some wonderful blessings into your life! Lean on Spirit and trust your intuition because you are going to be manifesting a lot of abundance into your life and it will be important for you to trust in your path. There’s even a chance for a new career opportunity! Hmmm I’m also getting that this may be the reason why you’d be asking for financial advise from your family. Eek! How exciting!! Keep me updated lol

Advice and Encouragement - 7 of Pentacles

All right, lovely. You’re always working so hard and moving from one project to the other. Which isnt a bad thing! It’s good to be busy. But Spirit wants to remind you to stop and smell the roses. Look back on your hard work and praise yourself for all the things you had to do to achieve it. There’s no point in putting your all into something if you cant stop every once in awhile to admire your work. I have a feeling that you’re going to be quite busy this month (especially with a birthday coming up!) so it will behoove you to take a moment and just appreciate life for a little bit. The work can wait ^_^

There you go my dear! I hope this resonated with you and that you may be able to utilize this advice in your life for the next 30 days. If you would be able to leave feedback in the future, that would be wonderful!!

Thank you again for donating to the fires! I truly appreciate you and all of your help. You always put a smile on my face my friend ^_^

With much love,

Stitchy

Ko-Fi  ☕ -  PayPal

🙏CA Fire Donation Readings🙏

🌌Pendulum Guidelines🌌

🔮Order Extended/Full Reading🔮

💜Read Feedback💜

💭Stitchy Speaks💭

[scripting-life]

FFVII: returning to my first love

 *peeks out of the corner of my lurking spot*

Hello? Anybody out there? It’s only been, oh you know, four-ish years since the last time I’ve posted anything here. I apologize in advance for anybody who’s still following me from my Castle days. If you couldn’t tell from my extended absence, I’ve mostly moved on. Castle and Beckett were fantastic characters that let me to play with some deep-dive analyses, and Castle will always hold a special place in my heart as my comfort show and my first real and extended experience with online fandom. I’ll always be grateful to the community I’ve had the joy of interacting with (or, the community with which I’ve had the joy of interacting, as Castle would correct me my dangling preposition).

I honestly didn’t think I would ever have reason to come back to Tumblr after Castle ended. But the FF7 Remake has returned me to my very first love--when I was young and innocent and before I knew anything about OTPs or ship wars. I’ve been back lurking for several months now and seeing all the fanart/fanfics and fun theories and analyses has reignited my enthusiasm for the FF7 franchise. It’s also fun coming back to this franchise with a more mature understanding of the themes/concepts that completely flew over my head as a young preteen.

(This ended up being super long, so the rest is below the cut to spare everyone the pain of scrolling. Apparently, my rambling tendencies have not changed at all. lol.)

When FF7R was officially announced (five freaking years ago!), I was filled with apprehension. FF7 was my first taste of a “grown-up” game. I was 11 and played my brother’s copy of the OG on PC in 1-2 hours spurts on the weekends when I visited his apartment. It took me months, if not years, to finish the game (I ended up stealing his copy to play on our computer at home...lol), and I was so blown away by it. I remember the exact moment I finished it and how I was literally shaking as I watched the ending FMV.

Later, when I found out my brother had a copy of FF8 (my poor brother was so accommodating to his annoying little sister...haha), I was so excited to play, in large part because I thought it would continue the story of FF7. Young, naive me didn’t understand the numbering conventions of Final Fantasy titles. I was madly theorizing and breaking my brain trying to find connections between the two games’ plots and had literally played through more than half the game before I finally realized the storyline of FF8 had absolutely nothing to do with FF7. I was sorely disappointed, and I think that has somewhat tainted my appreciation of future titles. Not to say I haven’t enjoyed the subsequent FF titles, but I think a little part of me is always comparing them to that first experience of wonder and awe that I had with FF7.

I discovered fanfiction in my teens and starting writing FF7/Cloti fics in college. Aside from interacting with a few fic writers at the time, I was not involved in any online communities, so I kept myself pretty free of any ship war drama and the like. When I did research for my fics, I’d sometimes see shipping sites and theories where I didn’t always understand the logic of how certain conclusions were reached, but frankly, I didn’t much care and didn’t realize that Clerith vs. Cloti was such a touchy subject. I was peripherally aware that some sort great LTD war was waging, of course, but it didn’t really touch me. I stayed in my Cloti shipping/fic-writing lane and was probably a lot happier for it. And, to be honest, based on FFN’s listings for FF7, I felt like I always saw a bunch of Sephiroth/Cloud fics and thought that was just as popular as the more conventional ships.

Graduating college and entering “real life” pretty much ended my FF7 fanfic-writing journey. In the intervening years between college and the release of FF7R, I haven’t gone back to the OG too much. I’ve played almost all the Final Fantasy games since then, and I always enjoy getting my FF7 crew fix when I play the non-canon mobile games or the Kingdom Hearts franchise. But FF7 was a happy part of my teenage years, and I was content to think on it with sweet nostalgia.

Remakes, in recent experience (*cough cough* Disney, why?), have been hit or miss, with a lot of misses. It’s hard to strike a good balance between catering to nostalgia and delivering a fresh product, never mind the change in social mores through the decades. I was so afraid FF7R would screw up my memories, especially since I wasn’t the biggest fan of Advent Children. The graphics were great and the action scenes were fun, but the story felt like a let-down. Cloud, in particular, felt so different (and yes, moody) from where we left him after the OG. I understand now that a lot of his character motivation was better explained in the On The Way to a Smile novels, but back then, I just felt like AC came out of nowhere. 

Btw, because I see this question a lot on other blogs when I’m lurking, I’ve ALWAYS thought that it was very clear in AC--even without reading anything else--that the reason for Cloud’s depression was due to guilt and not because he was pining for Aerith. The only reason I didn’t like his characterization in AC was because it felt like it came out of nowhere since AC is set 2 years after OG and by the end of the OG, he seemed to be in a pretty decent place mentally and emotionally. That being said, I can absolutely understand why some traumas resurface years after the originating incident and how times of peace might actually be worse because he is no longer solely focused on saving the world, but I was just surprised and a little bummed that this was the direction the devs chose to take AC at the time. Now that I’m older, I do better appreciate the complexities of Cloud’s mental state and the fact that they depicted a hero with lingering mental health issues is actually pretty awesome. I’m drawn to characters that have flaws--sometimes serious ones--but try their best anyway. Hence, why why Tifa Lockhart and Kate Beckett are some of my all-time favorites.

Anyhow, that didn’t stop me from pre-ordering FF7R, of course. I avoided reading any reviews as I didn’t want my first impressions to be swayed, and boy, was I happy that I went in mostly blind. That sense of awe really almost felt like playing the OG for the first time again, but somehow more. The combat system is incredibly fun and the world-building is nothing short of incredible. The variety and abundance of NPCs gives the game so much flavor and the locations have been rendered so well. As I’m going through areas like the Sector 7 train station and Wall Market and Aerith’s house, I can almost superimpose the layout from the OG in my head, but now it’s in 3D and so rich and full. It’s obvious that a lot of attention was paid to details, and I love all the head-nods and homages to the OG.

And oh, the characters!

This is the Cloud I’ve been wanting to see in glorious HD and the Cloud I remember from the original game: all awkward, dorky trying to be cool, socially inept, mentally unstable, abrasive-at-times, reluctant to act depending on who’s asking, wannabe hard-ass who’s actually a big softie inside Cloud. I remember reading an article a few years back about how the devs basically redid Cloud for the Remake because they wanted him to go back to his dorky roots--which ends up making him closest to his personality in the OG than his appearances in other franchises--and I was SOOOO incredibly happy to hear that. I was so sick of the way Cloud was constantly depicted as this cool, broody McBrood in his cameos when he was a pretty big dork in the OG. (Anybody remember him doing squats in the Highwind when Tifa says it’ll be lonely with just the two of them and Cloud responds that he’ll make enough noise to make up for it? Like I said: cute, but a dork.)

I WAS surprised by how comfortable and sweet and touchy (so very very touchy) the devs made him with Tifa from the beginning. That initial scene of Cloud being such a smooth operator giving Tifa the flower had my jaw-dropping and every single flirty interaction after that (and there are many) had my Cloti heart overflowing in shock and bliss. Throughout most of my years as a Cloti shipper, even though I believed Cloti was supported by canon and pretty clearly together, I was also under the impression--mistakenly or not--that Cloti was the minority ship. So for Square Enix to make it so blatantly obvious that Cloud is really into Tifa at such an early stage has been an unexpected gift.

Also, they’re just really hot together. (Clotiscrew tunnel--be still my heart!)

As for Tifa...oh, what wonderful character development we’ve already gotten for Tifa. Tifa has always been one of my all-time favorite characters ever since reading her character blurb in the OG game manual. Initially, as a child, it was because I saw so much of myself in her. She was outwardly bright and optimistic, but tended to hide all of her stronger feelings inside. She fought with her fists, and for someone who was a tomboy growing up who liked playing contact sports with the boys, I connected with her in a way that I had never been able to connect with other female protagonists who were primarily back-row specialists. (I also aspired to grow to her listed height of 5′4″, which alas, did not happen...lol).

I love how the Remake delves into more of Tifa’s moral conflict between the destruction that she causes as part of Avalanche and needing to do something to stop Shinra, and yes, even seeking revenge. They touched on this in the OG lightly, but the Remake really hammers it home. She’s perhaps the most conflicted character in terms of motivation in Part 1. That scene with the Shinra manager on the train is actually one of my favorite scenes of her because it highlights that tension. The elevator scene, if you opted for it instead of the stairs (or if you did one, saved, and reloaded to do the other one, like me), is also underrated in terms of how much it reveals about Tifa’s inner struggle.

On this point, I also appreciate that the Remake has the characters reflecting on the damage they’ve both indirectly and directly inflicted--the Avalanche team all do this to a certain degree. In particular, Jessie’s constant inability to figure out what she’d done wrong with the bomb to cause such a massive explosion and her remaining feelings of guilt during her death scene (”they were my victims” ouch!) were heart-breaking.

Aerith’s depiction was another pleasant surprise. I’ll be honest; I didn’t much like her in the OG. She was too pushy and willfully oblivious to the point of being mean at times. In the Remake, much of her sometimes too in-your-face playfulness was kept--perhaps still a little too much--but I appreciate the nuance that they gave her. The train graveyard scene tells the player that she didn’t have friends growing up, and I think that partially contributes to her lack of social tact at times. The other factor that gives her personality more nuance is the hint of special knowledge that affects how she interacts with the rest of the group. It gives her additional hidden motivation and adds to her mystery for new players while simultaneously pulling at the heartstrings for old players who get the impression that Aerith is somehow aware--to a certain, unknown extent--of her own fate. 

I also appreciate that Aerith is more grounded as a real person than as some sort of revered being. I do blame AC for some of that. When you have the power to cure a fatal disease from the afterlife and send the dead back to life, it gets into some godlike territory. Maybe it’s a fair depiction of her powers as a Cetra, but I just get the feeling that Aerith herself wouldn’t really appreciate being made into this goddess-like figure. Remember that her character blurb in the original game manual implied that she was more interested in earthly things (i.e. the love triangle) than in exploring her own powers. I personally think that Aerith used the “love triangle” in the OG as a form of escapism from the weight of her burdens rather than genuine interest, and I just think she’d want to be thought of as a person rather than as a god. One of my favorite scenes for Aerith is when she and Cloud are traversing the rooftops and she slips on the ladder, letting out a simple, “Shit.” It humanizes her in a way that combats some of the ways she’s sort of been deified in the last 23 years. Also, Aerith wielding a folding chair like it’s WWE never fails to make me laugh. Overall, she just comes off as a more reasonably flawed and--as a result, to me--a more likeable character in the Remake, and I do very much like her now.

Barret is pretty much the exact larger than life character I imagined in my head, only somehow even better, and I really love how expressive and emotional his eyes and facial expressions are. His scenes with Marlene are truly the cutest thing ever. Red XIII is a big, furry ball of sass, and I need so much more of him in the coming parts (Cosmo Canyon still wrecks me to this day). The interactions between the Wedge, Biggs, and Jessie are incredible, and they really feel like people who’ve been friends and basically each other’s family for years. The Turks and Rufus are pretty much as cool as I imagined them in the OG.

There’s still so much more I haven’t even started touching on about the Remake, and I think that’s why I’m finally posting this now. I just can’t contain my love for this game any more, and I really really need a place to express myself. I don’t know if anybody is still reading, but I appreciate having the opportunity to finally gush about this game and franchise that I’ve loved so much for pretty much two-thirds of my life.

[arkus-rhapsode]

My Hero Academia Chapter 211 Review

Ummm, Early chapter this week. But were on break next week soooo... I guess this is fine. (Note: there has been an edit made to this review to respectfully not spread any misinformation) 

So w e oddly start this chapter with a little character background from Monoma. Apparently he always wanted to be a hero, but due to the fact that his quirk can only copy others, he will have to depend on others which is not what an active hero should have to do. I actually really like this cause its something we ever got from any other 1-B student, the motivation behind their path. It always made them feel a bit more shallow, so I appreciate Monoma getting a scene like this.

Also he now compares himself to Shinsou. How the two are the same is the fact that their heroic aspiration were denied based on their quirk. The difference though is Monoma still made it into the hero program and not Shinsou.

Now this scene, of Monomaa saying that doing unhero like things to those who are more gifted is okay, is likely reflective on the fact that being a hero is also a popularity contest in this world. To stand out and inspire, you’ve gotta be the best, and sometimes to do that, you do some things you might not be proud of. And with a mentality like that, its easy to see why someone like Stain is so pissed at society when it churns out heroes that will willing do un-heroic things. But then you can’t blame Monoma and Shinsou who are just trying to do their best, but given their genetic lottery they have to work harder than most.

But enough of this flashback, we need to cut back to the present where Deku is slowly losing control.

So Deku’s new black energy is emerging from his arm and Deku is quite literally fighting back against is. Monoma wonders if this is a new power to which I’m gonna save my thoughts on this till later.

Yeah Deku, its almost like the plot decided to fuck you over for the sake of this twist that I’m pretty sure no one wanted and that we could just keep to the usual flow of this arc, but no, we had to veer off in this direction because-Okay okay, I’ll save that for later too. I should really speed this up.

So its turns out that black stuff isn’t actually lightning, but more tendrils. Yeah cause that’s what One for All needed, tentacle hentai. Actually with theses black tendrils, now every fan fic writer who made a Deku as Venom AU (yes those exist) has just been justified.

Anyway, Deku releases what looks to be a beam of energy (I honestly can’t tell) and fires it off at Monoma who Deku at least warns to run.

Okay so, first off, good job Monoma. I’m glas we did make a joke out of Monoma being arrogant enough to think he could handle this. Second, what the fuck is wrong with class 1-A. I’m not saying they should act like they just watched a puppy get shot, but their classmate literally seems to be destroying everything. Now you could say that Todoroki did the same thing when he cranked up the heat, but the difference is that fire is a part of Todoroki’s quirk. Black tendrils has never been apart of his power. I know that not every kid in a classroom has to know or care about all their classmates, but I’d be concerned.

Third thing, So it seems OfA really is sentient as its jittering and moving around like it has some sort of self awareness. And finally, Yup. Can’t control your power. After we had come such a long way, you somehow are forced back to square one. I’ll talk about it later as the darkness begins to overflow.

Gotta feel bad for 1-B who just came here for an exercise, now they might die by black energy.

We see the darkness start sticking to objects (wow it really is Venom) and hoists Deku into the air. Yeah, I don’t now is this is something a user of one for all cold do, but boy its a little goofy. Uraraka and Shinsou seems to be the only people who now gives a shit about how this darkness is surging.

We now see this darkness is actually fighting against Deku, smashing him into a wall. All Might, makes a good fucking call and wants Aizawa and Vlad to shut this down. Which I’m sure Aizawa is perfectly fine with. Vlad has also had like no lines this round, like I’d love to hear his commentary.

(Yes, I realize there is an eye looking thing in the darkness, but it took me so long to find that I’m honestly might not even be sure that it is an eye.)

This scene... Breaks my heart. This in a nutshell was why I’m so opposed to this twist. After 200 chapters, Deku finally, FINALLY, doesn’t have to worry about hurting himself. He can now catchup with everyone else and it was finally time to show it off, but now. Now its fighting back. One for All is literally making him lose control when there should be no reason for him to. Has Deku master One for All? No. So there was still a chance things would go wrong, but not like this. Why? did it have to be the moment when finally the first year is coming to an end does One for All show that Deku is still not ready.

And Deku’s reaction to this is perfect for this. He’s not thinking about how he should be strong enough to resist this, showing he grew to arrogant and this is teaching him a lesson. No, Deku is sad. He’s upset that after all this time people didn’t have to worry for him. He was now strong enough to fight like Bakugou and strong enough to make 1-B actually consider him a threat, but now... Now he’s lost control.

Now it is possible that this is do to quirk singularity a topic that I’m doing a post on later, but in short it was brought up about like 50 chapters ago and its when a quirk becomes something that humans can’t control anymore. But again, talking about that later.

I’ve heard the possibility that, this darkness is actually One for All in a sentient state. Much like the previously mentioned before quirk singularity. That this is like genes being passed down so long and growing complex enough to the point that they are no longer controllable. Now there have been plenty of theories that have come out about this, but out of all of them, in general they likely relate to this. The darkness is literally fighting back against Deku as sign of his lack of more than 20% control and thus the quirk seems to quite literally be swallowing him whole. It feels like if this is the case, then Horikoshi realized that he made it so Deku was now fully protected from damaging himself thanks to his quirk. But he could just make it seem like Deku was just arbitrarily growing stronger without having any difficulty, so he developed a way for Deku to quite literally fight himself in his struggle. It was no longer limb destruction, Deku is literally fighting so that he has the right to use this quirk to its fullest extent.

If that is the case, I can’t say I agree with it. Look, I’m sure anyone could say that this doesn’t bother them. That this makes it so Deku and One for All are like Naruto and the Nine-tails, Ichigo and the hollow, Asta and the demon, etc. And those aren’t things I’m opposed to and are things that I enjoyed. But this isn’t the same. The monster inside that gives you more power worked for those series because that was their power system and world allowed for that. But MHA, quirks are more similar to Goku and Luffy. Their abilities are what is to be heightened and their second release: Super saiyan and gear two, are derivative of their competence of their biology and their power. And Deku was like that. He has a quirk that has nine generations worth of power in it and to use that power he had to learn how to take more in. His super saiyan was him at one million percent. It would destroy his body, but for a time he could use all that power. But I guess this new problem has occurred and we’ll have to see where it goes.

Anyway, the chapter isn’t done as Uraraka floats up to him.

So Uraraka is holding down darkness Deku and calls out to Shinsou and that’s where our chapter ends. Now, if people remember my FT reiewing days, they’re probably to call this a BS ship moment that defies reality and serves to pander a single fanbase. Well, no. Cause that’s not what this is. Uraraka is doing what a hero should do. She’s trying to save someone in danger, and this isn’t presented as this overtly romantic moment like say Sakura hugging curse mark sasuke, no this is actual danger that isn’t stopping so Uraraka is at risk of getting hurt here.

Now, I’m not saying you can’t take this romantically, I mean there is a lot of evidence that the two like eachother, I’m just trying to say, power of love, isn’t what’s stopping this madness, hell its evident that Uraraka needs Shinsou and his power to try and stop it. So this trope is still being done, but there is some logical weight to the solution.

Post Chapter Follow Up: So I wanna first say, this chapter is really short. Like its about 13 pages and it has very, very little dialogue. I did almost felt like I was reading a Bleach Chapter, but in fairness, this had a lot more detailing and was clearly used more as a way to show the sheer scale and weight of what the hell this thing is. Plus more detailed art, so I don’t thing the bleach comparison is entirely fair.

I am disappointed with the page count, given the break next week, I would’ve really appreciated we ended on more of bang than this. All its done is left me wanting more, but not in a very good way.

In terms of negatives, this chapter has pretty much confirmed team Deku vs team Monoma has gone off rails and that our conflict is going to actually be how do we solve this darkness. Last week, I talked about my thoughts on why I’m not a fan of that as this seems like a transparent way to make deku lose as well as seems to imply that Horikoshi had no real intent on making this fight actually work with their combatants. This not only makes this exercise feel like it will ultimately be pointless, but as I said, it screws Deku out of getting to go plus ultra while everyone else got to show how far they’ve come.

One could say that seems like bias and that the point was to get shinsou to help with the vestiges, but that doesn’t fully work cause there had to be other ways than this to make it so Sjhinsou would have to work. I mean, this was that same problem I had with the overhaul arc at the end. It was gong fine until Ryukyu dropped in with a powerup for Overhaul and then deku had to use Eri like a power-up and it just became a cluster fuck. I’m not against twists mind you, all arcs need them, the one he did with Gentle was great in my opinion, but these twists overall hurt the story cause the story was going great up till now and we’ve entered cluster fuck land.

Now look, I’m not gonna let my own opinions impede my objective view point. This twist was built up to. As we saw with the mark on Deku’s hand as he used One for All in his sleep. The fact his quirk has been feeling funny, and the fact that All Might seemed curious about this. So I can not in all good conscious call this a bad twist, but it is still one I don’t agree with.

Other positives are definitely the characterization. Aside from us getting Uraraka getting to act like a savor, we get some great development for Monoma. My only issue would have to be the timing of it. He doesn’t do much this chapter. You’d think that this would’ve been used before Deku went all darkness on us.

So what will the final verdict be. Initially I was thinking of giving this a below average, but maybe because the more chew on to this, and the more I see others reactions to this, it seems this hits that uncomfortable spot of being up to the reader to tell if they liked it or hated it. And those are always hard because there is a fair amount of good and nothing I can call really bad, but that good really isn’t enough on its own so there is an enjoyment factor that can’t be accounted for. Kinda like Aquaman. So where do I stand on this? well I have to be honest with myself as this is my review and I gotta say.

Final Verdict: 5/10

This is something you need to experience yourself to really tell if you enjoy this twist or not

There is some good action and good character development

The pacing feels rushed and there isn’t enough time to fully show this off satisfyingly

I do like the ending

[womanlalaboy]

13 Reasons To Stay

Mental illness isn't just a phase. You don't simply cross it out and expect the darkness to be over. And though I know I'm stronger than my sadness, sometimes it overwhelms me and make me do things I know I wouldn't do. So I always remind myself to never lose control of who I am. Of course not everyone can hold on to their control, because this illness that many fight against is an invisible traitor.

After every breakdown, I try to find my way back and I managed to create a list of all the reasons there is to continue fighting for life. I hope you find at least one that will make you want to live. I hope you find the courage to continue even if it’s hard.

Nothing stays forever, so does the pain, the problems or the troubles.

Each time I survive a storm, I become stronger and I'll continue to be stronger.

There are just soooo much to see, so much to learn, so much to understand, so much to experience…

They say that what keeps a man alive is his sense of purpose. If I don't have one yet, I'll make finding it my purpose. And I'll never stop. Never.

I am not alone. Someone out there resonates with me, understands me, or supports me, or loves me.

When there's sadness, there's happiness. And to appreciate happiness is to know what sadness is.

If I'm alive, there's still time to atone for my sins, to make up for the lost opportunities, to live the life I want to live.

This world, no matter how cruel, never runs out of hope and kindness. With that, I will believe that things do get better. I'll make sure I am there to witness it. Strong and alive.

Love feels great; especially when shared. Love is in the pictures, in poetry, in music… There's love everywhere.

I'm brave enough to last this long. Now I just need a little more of that bravery to really live.

My passion, love and kindness is needed. My existence is needed.

My fears are just fears. I am beyond my fears. I am not my fears.

I don't really want to die. I just want to stop feeling the pain. But my pain is a testament that I live, and while I live, I'll live to the fullest.

The list above came from my personal experience; from countless dark days. These aren’t solutions or answers. These are mere aphorisms and reflections which I turn to whenever I get unstable. When things are just way too overwhelming, consider seeking for professional help. Drop the stigma, the shame, and the irrational preconceived notions of asking for a professional’s help. 

You’ve come this far. 

MORE...

Also read: Paradigm Shift Also read: Understanding How To Adult

[amberskempp]

Seeing a lot of sad posts from my followers makes me feel the need to post a lil somethin....

I have alwaaaaays struggled with being unhappy, depressed, no self love, anger towards life. I would feel sorry for myself and couldn’t understand why nothing was ever getting better after all these years. Over the last 6 months I’ve put in the extra effort to take care of myself, focusing on me.

I stopped complaining as much, took things for what they were and wasn’t upset because it wasn’t exactly how I imagined, and living each day as it was. After I made these slit minor changes the toxic people suddenly vanished from my life, yes there was a lonely period where I didn’t have much going on in my life but I was patient.

I started to notice things about myself that I never knew or never wanted to accept before, it’s almost like my body was giving me signs and guiding me to the change I needed. So weird but my gut feelings were crazy and I really think it’s because I was listening to myself!

Then everything just fell in to place, the friends, relationships ect. After I was happy in that sense I started to feel down again and I was so confused as to why? I had the best boy who is always soooo kind to me, the best friends, completely surrounded by love. Few weeks on and on and my moods were back, I was irritated I felt like things were out of my control again.

I have tried counselling, talking to people it was just uncomfortable telling a stranger how I felt. It didn’t feel reassuring I thought they didn’t really care it was just there job. So I stopped doing that, my relationship with my mom and sister had gone down hill because I just couldn’t find the time or love in me to give to them. Which made me so sad, because I wanted to build my relationships back but I felt numb inside. Lying in bed after a major mood swing epi I just bawled and thought ok this isn’t normal my body is obviously telling me something, It just felt wrong because I had all these good things in my life.

I talked to my mom and we decided to set up a doctors appt to just see, after my doctors visit ( which I came to her multiple times over the last 6 years regarding this type of thing). We really narrowed down my options but after this many years and the attempts I tried with counselling, work sheets, blood test for hormone imbalances ect we decided on something ( wont post as it’s more personal). The last while I’ve really felt my mental health grow.

I feel so alive right now and I never appreciated life I really took it for granted, I don’t anymore. I got myself back into the gym, doing my best to eat as healthy as I can and the main thing for me is the amount I lessened smoking weed (still a work in progress). I cut out all the things that had the power to bring me down, I know I have a lot to work on but I feel so much stronger now.

I think it’s really important for you too listen to yourself and your body. Sometimes we need help and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed to ask for it. Recognize the days your down and strive to make the next day better. Your allowed to be down and sad but give yourself a time frame 1 day, 1 night whatever you feel appropriate. Wake up and think of each day as a brand new one, don’t carry the last into the next.

I started to work with myself instead of against myself.

🌹❤️

[mbergen]

Tammy came home over the weekend.  She had signed up for another week, but it wasn’t meant to be.  I won’t deny she had me worried, but she is fine.  On her 20th day, she scheduled It off.  She hoped that she would be rest and recoup for the next week.  When I talked with her that morning, I knew she was exhausted and so tired.  I had noticed in the last week she was getting more quite.  I was already uneasy.  Late that afternoon, she text and said she was leaving.  She had a car scheduled in an hour and she was driving home.  I wanted her to fly, but it wasn’t going to happen.  She want to get out now……She needed to drive, and have alone time….I was getting more worried.  I really didn’t want her to leave that late from New York City, a city she had never driven in.  But everyone who knows Tammy knows she loves to drive.  I think that is where she gets her peace and alone time.  She can drive straight through from Illinois to Harlingen Texas, (near Mexico Border) in 22 hours…..Crazy Driver…..I decided to text Katherine, her best friend at home.  She is a Nurse at IVCH in Peru.  If she would contact anyone else, it would be her.  Yes, they had already been talking.  As she left New York City, she called and I could tell she was already feeling better.  The weight was lifting.….Katherine sent me texts all evening and night.  Then I was up at 5 to make sure she got home…..What a Saturday it was….Yes, she pulled in Sunday by noon…..So here is her story in her words….

Tammy Bergen 22 hrs ·

I am gonna start this off by saying today is day 22! And the 1st day in 21 days that I have woke up in my own bed! I have missed my family and my friends so much! I might even say that i have missed Illinois! New York was a beast! I have seen thing and did things that i have never dreamed of. And I met so many so many great nurses, APN’s and Drs! They were from all across the United States! The staff was very welcoming as well. They would have lunch donated at times. My last day they had breakfast donated and brought in to us! And REAL coffee! 😍 lol while I was there I worked on 9 different units. I worked a couple of units more than once but for the most part everyday was like starting a brand new job. Everything was always new. The staff, the nurses I worked with, what supplies were available, what type of patients there were. Every unit was like opening a door to the twilight zone. You never know what is gonna be there. And the attitude was strong and everywhere! That is the best way I can describe it. It was not easy for me to go on every day with 5-6 hours of sleep mixed with the constant change. I was never able to develop “a work rhythm”? I’m not sure if that’s the word I am looking for but… And As many of you know, I have struggled with depression my whole life. And I ended up finding myself in a very very low spot. Around day 15 I started to cry everyday and I think day 19 I almost cried all day! (Fyi it’s very hard to tell if someone is crying when they are wearing all this head gear!) It was sooo hard. Even though we were there to help and shine some light into the darkness that is going on in New York right now, I lost control of myself and the darkness crept inside me... On the 20th I had the day off. They allowed us to have 2 pto days in this 21 day contract. My plan was to destress as much as possible and trudge through work one more time… and then cancel my 1 week extension and go home! But by the end of day 20 all I could think about was getting out of this cold dark place that I had found myself in. So rented a car and got the hell outta there at 7pm! It was truly one of the best things that I have ever done for myself. As I began driving away from NYC I could truly feel the heaviness of it all leave my body… and I could smile! A real smile! I talked to my mom and my best friend Katherine almost all the way home. I even had Cassidy on the phone for an hour and an half! And we had a great conversation! I was excited to surprise Cameron at the house so I never told him I was coming! Lol And I thank god my family and my friends are here for me everyday! A part of me is very ashamed or dissatisfied in myself for leaving a day early. But not any more. I am so proud that I was able to help in such a terrible situation! I have learned many things about myself through this experience. I will never regret it! But I don’t think I want to go back to NYC... ever! Lol thank you to everyone that sent us stuff! You guys really really really helped me personally!! And we shared with many others as well! I will never forget this experience! Aunt Connie told me that I would not be able to come back from this the same person. At the time I didn’t think to much about it. But…. she is so very right... not always! But this time! Lol I am just so happy to be home!❤❤❤ ps. Britt Novak is still rockin it in NYC! You got this girl!

Tammy is now home and doing well.  Now she has 2 weeks of quarantine before she can return to work.  I know she has missed the kids tremendously.  She has come back a changed person in so many ways…..She  has learned a lot about herself and will be stronger for it.  She will never forget the patients, nurses, doctors, and all the experiences of New York….She has accomplished something not many of us could or would ever undertake.  But she is a Nurse…..She took that Oath….She Believes in what she does….

WE ARE ALL SO PROUD

….She is an Amazing Nurse….

Now it is time for all the …..THANK YOU’S…. Her days were so busy.  14 hours of the day were work and transportation.  That didn’t leave much time for eating, sleeping, waiting for your mail for 45 min.  and of course a through shower and disinfecting.  She became more physically and mentally exhausted every day.  So she didn’t have a lot of time to show her appreciation.  The one Company that needs a HUGE THANK YOU is Vactor Manufacturing from Streator Illinois…..

Tammy mentioned to us she could use some Safety Glasses.  Aunt Connies’, Son in Law, Matt Rinaldo works for Vactor in Streator Illinois.  He went to HR to ask about Safety Glasses for the girls.  By noon, he had been given around 50 Safety Glasses.  HR also game him many FACE SHIELDS.  Their parent Company Federal Signal had sent them to their employees.  The employees had decided to give them to the Front Line people in the Medical Field that needed them.  They had already given a number of them to Morris Hospital.  Matt brought them to Connie who boxed them up and sent them to the girls.

They were so needed.  As soon as she received them they were gone.  So not many pictures were taken.  I had been reading posts on the FB site of the Staffing Agency from the other nurses.  Those who had connections, were ordering them in quantity’s for their friends.  The hospitals didn’t have any.  They were pretty desperate to get them.  These Shields were so Appreciated.  So …..THANK YOU VACTOR…. also Matt and Connie for sending them to New York…..

Face Shields and Safety Glasses from Vactor….Overlooking the Times Square… NYC

So many other items were sent.  So here in Tammy’s words again are all her Thank You’s

Tammy Bergen 15 hrs ·

There are so many people I need to thank besides my family that have donated their time to make sure that we have what we needed! I want to make as many as I can but please dont be upset if I forget to mention anyone because you all made this so much easier! 1. Vactor Manufacturing in Streator Il donated a box full of safety glasses and face shield! ❤❤❤!! They are in very high demand in New York! And as soon as people seen them… they were gone! The hospitals no longer supply face shield because they are just not available anymore. I wish I could have got more pictures but there just wasn’t time. But I assure you that they were amazing! Thank you Connie Malavolti, Ashley Malavolti and Mat Rinaldo for the hook up! It was definitely needed! The shields protect us from much more than the glasses alone cuz there is a lot of coughing and spraying going on! 2. Amanda Davis for the goodies and the wonderful prayer that came with! It was very special! 3. Chauntelle Biagi-Bruer for the goodies and kind words! 4. Aunt Connie and Jeanie Lutz for getting several hand made masks for me to take at the very last minute!❤ and thank you Connie for the bag of super healing rocks! I wore them everyday! 5. Tammy Schlesinger Gunter for all the goodies and kind words! 6. Baily Jane and Betty Parks for the awesome lotions and cookies! ❤ 7. Jeny Orozco for the amazing words of encouragement and all the awesome gifts! 8. Tiffany Gebhardt for the awesome gifts and kinds words! 9. Mary Jaegle Milashoski for the awesome gift of dry shampoo! (it seriously made Britt Novak’s day!)and the other goodies as well!❤❤ 10. Jessica Torres for all the amazing goodies and encouragement! 11. Frances Ilnicky Van Ameyden thank you for the goodies and the great conversation that definitely brought a smile to my face! 12. Tina M Wenzel for the gifts and (over the top!) Encouragement! I am so very thankful! 13. Brenda Bickerman thank you for delivering the lysol wipes to my house before I left! I could not find any anywhere! 14. Gale Reno for the bag of snacks, gloves, mask crochet ties and other things that you sent at the last moment. 15. Nicole Bouxsien and family made several masks for us to take with. 16. The Eastgate Quilter ladies for making all the masks and redoing the design to include the laces to save our ears!❤ 17. Theresa Fisher for the crocheted ear savers! 18. Bobbi Van Schaick for the box of goodies! That came along with a great story! Definitely something that I would have done! Lol 19. Sharon VanLanduit for the amazing shoe inserts! They helped soooo much! And lastly, Katherine Twardowski for taking care of my 2 older babies while I was gone! (I really hope you will recover quickly! Lol). Tina Bergen Dolder and Ed Dolder for being everything for Carly while I cant! And for all the school teaching! And Margaret Bergen for the daily encouragement and text messages! Scottieonepaw ScottBergen and Brandy Lockett for all the love and support! And there has been so many others who have said some of the best things! I will never forget! Cameron Bergen and Cassy Cruz I am home! And I love you both so much! We WILL be spending some quality time together real soon! Like it or not! Lol I truly can not say how thankful I am to have you all in my life! I have the best family and friends that anyone could ever ask for!❤❤❤ I am feel very blessed to have been a part of NYC at this time of need. But this Is definitely my home! ❤❤❤

Comments…..

Jeny Orozco Love you Tammy!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Betty Parks Thank you for giving your ALL.

Tiffany Gebhardt Np Tammy Bergen…just my way of saying thanks for what U guys went and did! U went above and beyond what u had too! Hope to see u back around soon until then take care of urself and know u got friends who care! ❤️

Tina Bergen Dolder A shout out to Brenda Holloway Bickerman, Jerimey Bouxsein Nicole and family, Gale Reno ( Erin Marie Megan Holly let your mom know!!

Megan Dose Glad your back!!! 😘❤️❤️❤️

Bobbi Van Schaick The least I can do

Mary Jaegle Milashoski So happy that what we could do for you .. made a difference and brightened your day ..!💜💜

Amanda Davis 💜💜💜💜💜

Frances Ilnicky Van Ameyden Your selflessness in this horrible time of Covid19 has shown us what Love of Neighbor is all about. God bless you!

Jeanette Brewer Stay safe and you r a hero Stay safe

.

Thank You to All who has supported and followed Tammy. I as MOM want to give a SPECIAL THANK YOU, to Tina, for being the BEST SISTER Tammy could ever have.  She has done so much that you all will never know.  She was their from the minute Tammy made this descion to go, by getting supplies ready and MANY MANY other things concerning Carly’s care.  My Kids are all so AWESOME….Brittney is still their finishing her extended week.  She is doing ok.  Everyone has been so supportive of the girls and of all the Medical Personnel.  These people are helping and reporting the truths of what is happening in New York City.  They have answered the call not knowing where they were going to work, where they were going to stay.  They all knew they were putting their life on the line…..But they all went anyway…..They worked 12 hours straight covered in PPE.  So many had shortages of PPE, and much hospital supplies.  Some of the story’s I read were mindboggling to think nurses had to operate in such a manner and do things that were so unethical in the hospital setting.  And then the stories of the patients.  So heart wrenching……So many that passed alone….With only the nurse present….The last words from the family’s on the cell phones of the Nurses….

…..Memories these Medical Personnel Will Never Forget….

Tammy’s Home From New York ….. Coronavirus…..Thanks To All Tammy came home over the weekend.  She had signed up for another week, but it wasn't meant to be. 

[breatheeandlettherestcomeeasy]

the ex-istential crisis  ∴

It’s weird... the things you do when you’re broken up with. I know i should run. you don’t make it easy. i just want to know you’re okay. And maybe, to know you’re hurting too.

We’re going to see it through somehow

“I love you so much and hate being without you”

I guess like.... imagine if you did the whole, real serious relationship-- sentimental, sappy stuff... yet also were low-key a bit of a fucking sadist in the sack

“Excuses. You’re always fucking sexy. You’re the single most beautiful woman I know! I’m afraid if I keep teasing you though it may be like the other morning..... We’ll figure things out. And you’re so stunningly beautiful. Why are you so fucking fine?! I can’t stop looking at you! I seriously can’t stop drooling over how fucking fine you look. Back arched and everything... I’ll give you every inch of me. I like your lips. Both. And giving you kisses. When I get to kiss you again is going to be fucking incredible. I love hearing you scream for me and moan for me. I would love to push up behind you, squeeze you tight, kiss you from your neck down your back, right to between your thighs. I miss it. So much. Just feeling you against me.” “ Sorry! I’m getting a little horny for you. I want to so bad. Also, I’m not getting horny for you. Technically I’m always horny for you. I can’t not be horny for you.” “ Really ?” “Duh. How can I not be?” “ I know you can always get horny, didn’t know you are always ;) “ “HA! I meant I am always attracted to you. Sexually, mentally physically, all of it.” “Is that so?” “Yes. That can’t go away”

trying to admit and confront these

unprocessed feelings about while Justin took very good care of me, he knew how to make me feel so good..... I forgot whatever darkness would re-surface, cycled back over and over again. Lost myself in you, found myself through you, when i’m with you-- we’re the only two people on earth....you’re meant for me. vice versa.

“I love you soooo much. and thank you for being you. I’m lucky to have you around.”

“I love you too! I’ll always be me. Thank you for being such a perfect woman for me. I’m lucky to have someone like you in my life and am so happy that things get better every day we are together.”

In so many ways, you made me kinder, more selfless, smarter. I felt like I personally had grown because of our adult relationship. But also, (developed?) heightened* my self-sabotage in trust, clinging on to routines, vicious cycles and comfortability. And most importantly, a very co-dependent relationship with an unhealthy nature. 

“I slept alright. I definitely would have slept a lot better with you.”

Was it comfort? Was it the safe factor? Was it the darkness that brought excitement? Was it real, was it real? It was real.... Right?

“I’ve just been laying here. I love you. I was hoping you’d be home soon.”

“Do you!?!?!!!” “Yes I dooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I love you very much. Do you?!?!?!?!???!!!?!?!???!??” “Oh I love you so very much” “I know. I just like hearing and reading it”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Thank you for coming over and hanging out baby” “I’m lucky to have you” “No! I’m lucky to have you! You are so good to me, and for me. I couldn’t be happier! I love you so much darling” 

We have both seen pain, been through so much and hold so much turmoil along with us and keep a smile on our face. That’s what similar. What’s not is you do not handle yourself or myself in a healthy manner. You admitted yourself that you do not deal with things in a healthy way.

“I shut people out and I know it’s not healthy. And I know it affects my friendships and relationships. I can’t tell you how bad I want to be back in Portland. I’ve been so depressed since I’ve been home... I’m sorry I’ve been in a weird place mentally and cut you out because of it. I’ve been distant from everyone. It’s not excuse. But I want that too though. -- I don’t cope with things in a healthy way.”

Darkness, and so much light.... I thought that the light outweighed the dark. That dark balanced with light, which helped solidify and build a stronger foundation of our co-dependent relationship. But in reality, the fact that there was any dark at all, is not light. Destroys the light. Taints the clear water. Once there’s darkness, the water will never be clear-- there will always be darkness even though the love will always be there, darkness is the end-all no matter how strong the light is.

“I want to be on good terms too. My biggest fear is that I’ll always shut people out, even you. And I always remember and think of the incredible memories we have. -- I’ll always love you and have you in my heart.”

The attention, the attention... the unhealthy cycles that don’t break but you’re somehow glad they still exist....

“A likely excuse! Guess we’ll wait another 12 years then ;). That’s just if we aren’t already married by then, and aren’t married to anyone else. Which at that point if we are married to anyone else let’s just say we already had a legal agreement to marry at 37 so we need a divorce”

What do i do to deserve it? How do I react?-- more importantly, do I even react? Do i continue to be positive and uplifting and supportive, or do I block this person out of my life for good? Do I be petty? Do I beg for answers? Do I not give this person the time of day? Do I pretend like nothing happened, and his feelings towards me stay the same? Should we stay friends? Is this healthy? This is the first time I’ve done something like this.... And of course, I think of it like a challenge rather than something I need to consider for my own well off.

“I’m sorry to hear that you had bad things happen; I also believe you are strong enough to survive all those speed bumps that happen sometimes anyway.”

I’ve got you deep in the heart of me, and my heart beats so... that I can hardly speak, 

But Of course, reading back on these gives me some sort of happiness and fulfillment. Or does that also make me a sadist or masochist knowing that it’s over, in the past. Things to remind me of how it once was.

“Hey, I love you so much baby. Just wanted to tell you that. And I think you’re perfect. You’re my favorite person” “I love you so much baby, thank you for being you...... And thanks for being so helpful today and yesterday and every day before that... I want you to know I never take it for granted and I appreciate you and everything you do baby. I’m so lucky to know someone like you” ....

“It’s all better now. Just shitty people being shitty people. I’m chill now just taking my time to enjoy some peace and quiet. But I have you in my life, so that’s something to be happy about.”

Of course baby I want to see you I love you Jules

We only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times

  “I do love you. I’ll always love you. My love for you could never go away.”

Sleep tight I’ll be thinking of you.....

[meggannn]

ok some more!! lydia + jack and another one of yr choice

Jack

What did your Shepard think about Jack’s incredible biotic power? Were they alarmed? Impressed?she's used to biotics and being around supposedly “dangerous” biotics, and she’d though highly of kaidan, but she knew jack is obviously of a different class and has a lot more emotional/volatile personal issues than kaidan that would need a bit of.... careful handling lol. so she wasn’t really scared or impressed (though they were impressive), more concerned that if jack herself wasn’t in a good place, then she could put herself or the crew in jeopardy. like, she views biotics as a tool, and knowing jack’s strength and capabilities are important for her strategizing as a commander, but she thinks of jack’s biotics less often than she thinks of jack herself, if that makes sense.

Did your Shepard allow Jack to kill Aresh, the man in her cell at Pragia? Did they do what they believed to be best for Jack?she argued to let him go. she knew he was a victim and didn’t really see how killing him would help jack, or prevent future victims from being traumatized (she didn’t believe he would or could genuinely have the resources to open the facility up again anyway). so when she tells jack not to kill him, it’s less “you’re better than this” and more that she appeals to her in ways she’d respond to, like... “look, killing this guy is pointless, you’ve tried killing for a while and it’s not helping, and killing aresh won’t help either. this place is behind you. you are strong enough to leave this place behind and be more than what they planned for you.” and she means it, but she can say it without empathy: she says it very, like, flatly/bluntly when she talks to jack lol, cause jack wouldn’t respond to anything she’d see as patronizing.

How did Jack’s abrasive temperament affect your Shepard’s relationship with her? Were they put off or did they attempt a friendship?she grew up with people like jack so she knows how to navigate her, though it’s her first time handling someone this volatile as a commanding officer. it’s more like constantly diffusing the bomb of her temper before it erupts at a bad time; shepard’s grown up a lot since she was a teenager, gone through officer training and knows how to mediate discussions and deliver orders as a supervisor, so she feels comfortable talking to jack without talking down to her, but also letting her know she can’t just have run of the ship. i don’t think shepard’s intimidated by her, but it’s also not a “i’m going to rescue you from yourself!” thing -- if jack wants to grow, then shepard will help, and she does enjoy talking to her, but she can’t do all the work, and like, she’s not her mom, you know? because jack reminds her so much of her past talking to jack can take a lot of her emotional energy; she doesn’t really mind it, since after a while jack is responsive and starts to respect her candor, and then by me3 she’s obviously in a better place to appreciate shepard and talk to her like an equal, but in the beginning at least it is a little tiring. but shepard sees it as her duty as a commander to make jack comfortable on the sr2 and in her place in the crew, and it’s worth it in the end, obviously xo.

aaand i’m gonna do miranda

Miranda

How did your Shepard react to Miranda’s genetic “perfection”? Do they believe that no being can truly be perfect?lol i think shepard was mentally rolling her eyes when she heard about miranda’s genetic engineering, not because she judges miranda for it, but just because it seemed damned typical of the illusive man/cerberus/human (cough white) supremacist groups to treat women like test tubes. and of course tim would collect her and use her as his top agent because why the fuck wouldn’t he lmao. she does judge miranda for a lot of things, but not what’s out of her control.

Did Oriana and Miranda’s protection of her change your Shepard’s view of Miranda? Does your Shepard have siblings they would ceaselessly protect, like Miranda and Oriana?she respects miranda a whole lot more after hearing about oriana, and doesn’t care that she kept her a secret. her problems with miranda aren’t entirely gone, but hearing she’s an older sister doing the best she can to protect her younger sister (cough) definitely makes her more relatable. lyd has a huge gut-like reaction to save/prevent children in particular from the realities of her work, so she agrees immediately and doesn’t judge miranda for “stealing a baby” from her father at all. most of her strong feelings are because she did have a younger sibling back in london that she failed to protect in a gang war, so she does whatever she can to save kids as an adult. (it’s also a reason why she connects well with ashley.)

How close were your Shepard and Miranda? Why drew them together or apart?it was not great at first; shepard wasn’t openly hostile, she was professional and cordial and asked her all the usual questions to get to know her crew, and not superficially, but she still didn’t trust miranda like the rest of her crew for a long time. like she could acknowledge that yes, miranda IS everything she said she would be, she’s incredibly talented and a more than capable xo and lyd believes that she’s not secretly out to get her or screw up the mission, she’s wary of miranda for a very long time because:

well to begin, she joined cerberus, and NOT under duress (being on akuze also didn’t help lyd’s opinion of cerberus), and without fail defends them and tim at every opportunity

she’s absolutely reporting everything shepard does to TIM so shepard has to filter what information she can to her xo, and not being able to trust her xo is not a feeling she likes on her own ship

miranda openly confessed she wanted to put a chip in her brain. like, the fact that she admitted it openly deserves some respect from lyd in that she knows miranda will not.... lie to her, but she doesn’t put it past her to lie by omission

speaking of miranda’s involvement in her reconstruction, like.... there are soooo many fucked up ethical implications of what miranda was a part of, even if technically she saved her life. it’s a mixed bag of emotions. again with the “i can respect you without liking you” thing.for the first few months i think shepard started to think of contingency plans with miranda, like “everybody else is loyal to their paycheck and some are starting to be loyal to me, maybe if i can get miranda on my side, she’d be willing to go against tim for me in case we ever have to split?” like, she knew it was a long shot, but she had every intention of ditching cerberus the instant the mission was over, and if miranda liked her, GENUINELY liked her for her, maybe she’d have a shot at convincing her to bail with her/not ratting her out to tim. this was...... not really malicious manipulation, but it was a reality she had to plan for: if miranda was on her side, she’d have a stronger chance of ditching cerberus and living to tell the tale (shepard imagined leaving cerberus and knew that if she didn’t have miranda’s loyalty at that time, she fully expected to see miranda again on the other side of the battlefield again in the future; either that, or tim might send miranda to come ‘collect’ her again in the future). but then after the collector ship, and especially after oriana and seeing shepard handle the crew/her work the way she does, i think miranda started to sway to shepard’s side without even realizing it. so tl;dr: they respected each other and got more amicable over the months, but it was cautious and slow-going; until miranda quit over the line at the collector base, neither of them realized just how much they’d come to trust each other.

[sophiacecilia-blog1]

Last year in FEU-Alabang

 Just thinking about it makes me really sad. It makes me feel empty inside. Like going away from home. I used to hate the K-12 system because I thought it was another waste of time and my parents’ money. But it changed when I met HU03. Yes, the school was really shitty in its first year but my classmates and teachers made it manageable to survive. I would like to share first some of my unforgettable moments here in FEU.

                                      !! LONG POST AHEAD !!

It all started here in this group chat. When I made this, we were like around 8 members in the group. We were just casually talking and complaining about the long summer and how few we were. As days go by, more members were added in the group and it started being noisy because everyone was getting to know each other and some were making fun of them already. 

Finally!! The long wait was over and we’ve finally met each other. It was our general orientation. We were all quiet and shy at those times but eventually became loud and noisy when we hung out at the food court. 

This was after the Canvas orientation. We went to a karaoke room and screamed out lungs out, It was really fun because we showed our goofy side. Though some of were still shy, which includes me, and just watched the others sing. 

I think this was our first week and we were moving from room to room because our PE classroom wasn’t temporary and even our subject teacher was confused. In our first PE class, we shared a big room, which is now the library, with like 5 sections ?? and one section from the Grade 12. It was crazy. Everyone was so noisy. We were even grouped with people we don’t know and we had to show our talents in front. I was really embarassed that time but it was still fun. I met new people and made new friends.

PARTYYYYY!! First ever kick-off party of FEU Alabang. The only band I remembered who played at the party was Mayonnaise. I remembered when we were all dancing and singing along, Ri-an Yoto was busy eating her chao fan while dancing. We had a good night and a good laugh too.

Everyone was getting along and we were all close to each other. We are a family. And I loved how everyone were so happy teasing each other. Every vacant, we were just chilling and singing. Everything was perfect. 

MS. XYLENE!!!!! Our first adviser whom we deeply love! She was very helpful and caring to us. The best adviser we’ve ever had. She was our 21st and Oral comm teacher. In our sched, we have 2hours oral comm and then 1hr 21st. She always gave us a snack break so we were energized in her class. I don’t know how to put into words how much we love Ms. Xylene. She made our first year in FEU really tolerable. Omg I think I’m gonna cry hahahha. But really tho, I remember when we were nervous and sad when we thought we were going to have a new adviser in 2nd sem. Oh and also we hated her at first, especially in the Canvas orientation. We haven’t met her yet that time because she was sick. She got mad at us because some of us were late in the orientation. But past is past, we love our Ms. Xylene!!

We survived the first final examinations in feu!!! It was really hard because we were all info overload. But we still passed all our subjects!! And of course we had to take a selfie while our super duper strict proctor was away hehe

Merry christmas!!! Can you believe that we had a christmas party with no aircon??? It was soooo hot yet we still enjoyed our first christmas party. We had a really fun game and there were a lot of delicious foods. Our ever so sweet adviser also gave us all a letter which made me cry cuz she is so sweet and she appreciates me.

Grade 12. New adviser. Two of our classmates left FEU and three transferees from other sections. Everything changed. The section that used to be so noisy every time is now quiet. We were separated and had different groups of friends. I miss the old HU03. 

They are the ones who made my senior high life exciting. Without them, my life is boring. I can’t imagine myself hanging out with other people and not them. They make my every day so much better. We share everything. From water bottles to food to secrets and to stories. I think I’m going to cry my eyes out on our graduation day. I am not yet ready to leave.

Here are some of my favorite teachers that I really admire the most. You’re such a cool teacher and you understand your students. You try to adjust the deadline of our school works and we love you for that huhu you r rlly da best sir!! I’m going to miss you so much sir esp. your jokes and witty remarks. I remembered when of our classmates told you that CNF was going to be a boring subject and I kind of agreed because our creative writing last SY was boring. But it turned out that it was one of my fave subj because of u sir hehehe. 

11th Grade was very hard and challenging. It was an emotional roller coaster ride. We had our ups and downs together but I know that it made us stronger. We went through a lot, from academic breakdowns to fast food delivery every lunch and low and high grades. I will never forget my 2 years in FEU-Alabang because this is where I learned a lot. I grew into a better person, became mentally and physically strong and I met my new family. I learned not just about the subject my teachers are teaching but also some helpful life advice. My friends, who were my rock and my sanity, will always have a special place in my heart. To Ri-an and Juliana, I am very thankful that they are my best friends. I can share everything I want to them and I know that they will not judge me, they will just bash me hahahhaha. Thinking that our happy days are almost over makes me really sad. I am so attached with them and I think I will cry so hard at our Graduation day. Sir Mckhy, if you are still reading this, I hope you stay so you could be with us at our graduation :((( Looking back at these photos are really nostalgic. A lot had happened and I will treasure every memories I made and will be making with everyone at FEU-Alabang. Here’s to more months to enjoy at FEU and I am looking forward to make another memories in our last year.

[kurinoot]

sept jours d’amour - jerza week day 2

prompt: dawn

summary: because she is his tomorrow, and he is her future; post alvarez empire arc soooo spoilers

rating: T (?)

also available on: DA and FFN

disclaimer: hiro mashima is the sole creator of fairy tail, k?

a/n: second day and my mind's already kinda having writers block. help me. sorry if it was late lol (i've been really sick for the past few days)

It's all over.

It's finally over.

Jellal stirs and wakes up groggily without any knowledge of whatever happened. Although he knows that he tried to push Acnologia and put his life on the line.

He wakes up and finds himself draped in a white blanket and lying on a comfortable bed. He carefully stands up so as not to bring anymore pain to his body. While the other part of his mind says that he deserves it, thanks to years of self-loathing, he thinks otherwise.

'That's why you must treasure your life.'

'My life...'

He smiles as the memory continues to scream itself in his mind. He releases a sigh before he tries to walk away.

"Ugh, what time is it already?", Jellal asks himself as he attempts to open the curtain next to his bed.

"It's only five in the morning, Jellal. Going away already?", interrupted Mirajane as she graces her presence to him. Along with her was Wendy, who was giving him a welcoming smile as she waves her hands at him, and an elderly woman whose hair was almost the same shade as Natsu's. She seemed to be grumpy and he avoids her gaze and averts it to Wendy and Mirajane instead.

"Are you okay now, Jellal-san?", the young Dragon Slayer asks with concern yet still graces him with a smile.

The man breathes a smile, "I'm fine. Thank you, Wendy."

"You sure have the guts to get yourself out of bed.", the pink-haired woman interjects all of a sudden. Mirajane, Wendy and Jellal all shifted their gazes and attention to the guild's medicinal advisor.

The woman gives him a stern glance, "I'm Porlyusica. Fairy Tail's Medicinal Advisor. And if you're wondering where you are, you're in Fairy Tail's infirmary.".

Jellal's mind wanders to why he was here in the first place. He wonders where his guild was and why did they leave him just to be picked up by Fairy Tail.

As if reading his mind like a book, Porlyusica replies, "If you're wondering where your guildmates are, we also brought them here to lessen your worries.".

The blunette smiles and thinks at the same time on how can he thank Fairy Tail enough. He sighs in defeat, "How can I thank you enough? I-I don't deserve this.".

"How about you stop loathing yourself, you fool?! You better thank your girlfriend though. It was her idea to find your guildmates.", Porlyusica says grumpily.

Jellal blushes in embarrassment, "Erza's not my girlfriend!".

Mirajane laughs at his reaction, "Uhuh, we didn't mention any naaaame!". Wendy giggles at the she-devil's antics.

The blunette covers his face with both hands in attempt to cover his face that was already red from embarrassment, to no avail. He groans as the awkwardness feeds him and constantly sits around in his stomach.

"If your wondering where your girlfriend is, she's at the dorm. Wendy can take you there.", Porlyusica states in as-a-matter-of-fact tone.

"I already told you, she's not my girlfriend!", Jellal grumbles.

While walking on their way to Fairy Hills, the empty silence was completely making things more awkward. Jellal completely felt out of place for whatever reason while on the other hand, Wendy was humming a tune that didn't really caught his attention, but he had to admit that her humming made him somewhat soothed from all of the things the war has put them into.

"Here we are, Jellal-san, and speaking of Erza-san, there she is sitting on the hill.", Wendy says as she points her finger toward the redhead sitting on the hill nearby.

Seeing Erza suddenly brought him to a swirl of emotions. He gazes into the sitting redhead and notices the blank stare in her eyes. Seeing it as an opportunity for the two to talk alone, Wendy goes inside the dorm carefully so as not to let the bluenette man know her departure. Boy, being a healer at her age in this time of post-war crisis, she needed all the rest.

Jellal then notices the Dragon Slayer's departure and then decides to sit along with his childhood friend rather than returning back to Fairy Tail with a grumpy old woman and some recovering guildmates. With that kind of situation, he knows that he can't just go as if nothing happened.

His feet started moving and as he steps closer, the doubt and loathe started to feed off on his stomach. His thoughts became blank as his eyes caught the scarlet hair in a closer view.

Apparently, the redhead noticed his presence and pushing all the awkwardness away, she decides to accompany him as much as he (probably) wants to accompany her. Well, looking at him, she knows that he wants to tell something.

"Jellal! I didn't know you're awake at this hour.", Erza interjects in surprise as she stares at him. Their eyes meet each other for a couple of seconds before turning away and blushing in embarrassment.

Jellal decides to break the ice, "Can I sit next to you?".

"O-Of course."

He sits on the grass next to her in a fair, reasonable distance. As soon as he sat next to her, the awkwardness and tension between the two arose, and it has never been so silent between them.

The pregnant pause between the two sat for a minute or two before Erza decided to make her move. She scoots closer to him and gently leans her head on his shoulder, with her hair draping like a curtain in his back.

"E-Erza, what are y-you doing?", Jellal mutters out of embarrassment as his mind tries to register her actions. In return, the redhead blushes but decides to stay beside him.

The redhead closes her eyes for a bit in attempt to take a nap beside him, probably even sleep. After all, the war took a toll on her physically, mentally and emotionally. From getting severely injured up to actually meeting your mother, it was draining and she hopes to finally get the rest she deserves.

In a glance, the bluenette sees how her eyelids droop in a sleepy manner. He blankly stares at her hesitantly before he finally decided to put his arm around her shoulder and lean his head with hers. He suddenly blushes when his mind finally registers the arm he places on her. He decides to remove it but his mind suggests otherwise, much to his chagrin.

"Erza", Jellal mutters smoothly, with both their heads still in contact.

The redhead stirs awake from just hearing his voice, "Hm?".

"U-Uh, nothing.", the bluenette says in reply, who has either forgotten what to say or has given in to the awkward tension between them.

'Wow, smooth move Jellal.", he grunts in his then removes her head as if she is waking up, and faces him in a serious manner, "Y-You look like you want to say something.".

He faces her as well, "Look, thank you for all the things you have done for me. I-I just don't know how to thank you enough. I feel like I don't deserve these-".

"Jellal, we've been through this before. Stop blaming yourself.", Erza says as she looks at him with conviction. His eyes widen at the sudden declaration yet he didn't seemed surprised. It's Erza after all.

He looks away in shame as he recollects all the memories of their childhood, his possession, and everything that he has done, particularly hurting her in the process.

'I-I don't deserve this-', His mind became blank as he feels something warm - something heartfelt - something that transcends the friendly manner of comfort that she was supposed to convey. He felt love.

Erza hugs him tightly, with their heads on each others' shoulders. He freezes for a moment before he returns the hug, only much tighter, pulling the redhead closer. As a result, her hair brushes his face, giving him a whiff of its scent.

They stay like that for a couple of minutes, just enjoying the warmth and comfort of each other. As soon as they pulled apart, both of them flushed at the intimate contact. The awkward silence then consumes them.

"Jellal, I already told you and if I have to tell you again then so be it. I believe there is a light inside you and haven't I already told you? Being alive is a sign of strength, and I know you're stronger than this.", Erza states as a single teardrop slowly fell to her cheeks. He notices the trickling tears on her cheeks and as if an involuntary mechanism, he wipes it away with his thumb, gently brushing it against her cheek. This time, he initiates and pulls her into a tight hug, gently brushing one of his hands to comfort her.

The redhead stops for a while and blood suddenly creeps into her cheeks, feeling and appreciating the warmth and comfort along with it. When they separated, the bluenette blushes as well.

"I-I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry-", Jellal defends but was cut by the sudden warmth that was enveloping his lips. To his surprise, he finds out that Erza's lips are in contact with his. His mind went spiraling down the drain, his body freezes from shock, and his heart beat so fast that he felt as if it's gonna rip out of his chest. His hands were trembling for a couple of seconds before he succumbs to the kiss and pulls her closer. All the pent-up frustration, unsaid feelings and tension were being released deeply into the kiss, and both elicit a moan of satisfaction.

Once they pulled out, their lungs try to seek a heavy amount of air, which was getting heavy given their situation. They hug for a minute, enjoying the feeling of each other before Erza slowly shifts her position and returns to sit beside him, with her head lying again on his shoulders. Both of them look downward due to the awkwardness and the kiss earlier, with their cheeks still stained red from the embarrassment and tension.

"A-Ahh, I-I'm s-s-sorry!", Erza mutters in mortification as she leans her head further unconsciously.

Jellal looks away in embarrassment for a moment before he realizes that Erza literally became a mess because of what she did. He lets out a laugh, despite knowing the consequences of laughing at her and the kiss earlier.

Erza immediately looks at him in anger and embarrassment, "I-It's not funny-".

Before she got the chance to finish her statement, Jellal makes his move this time by kissing her in return. The redhead's cheeks reddened tenfold and the entirety of her body freezes completely from the absolute shock that was his lips on hers. He envelops her face with both hands and much to her chagrin, her body responds by wrapping her arms around his neck. He wasn't running now; he's already tired from running away and good lord, it felt so right.

When the whole lip lock session was over, they find themselves gasping for more air. Setting aside the embarrassment of kissing and being kissed, she hugs him, with her head lying on his chest this time. Jellal blushes at the contact yet he smiles at how they ended up, despite their exchange of words earlier.

They both release a sigh as they returned to their sitting position earlier. Erza blankly stares at him as Jellal stares at her as the daylight slowly bathes them with warmth. Their eyes find each other in depth and regardless of what happened to them earlier, they seem to communicate each other. Their hands find each other as their gaze looks upon the entirety of Magnolia, which was seen upon the hill. Erza decided to break the silence.

"It's already dawn.", she says as they watch the sun rise slowly to drench Magnolia with its warmth and light.

He replies, "It seems so.".

The silence continues but as Erza stares at Magnolia much longer, he finds himself looking at her, and he feels all the doubts feeding inside him wash away. Erza seems to notice him and instead of blushing for the umpteenth time, she gives him a smile this time, prompting him to smile too.

After exchanging smiles at each other unknowingly drawn to each other, their lips finally met each other this time without the awkwardness lingering within them earlier. Bursts of colors and emotions surged within the kiss and they just couldn't stop. When they drew out, they look at each other sincerely.

He breathes before he releases the weight off his chest, "I-I love you, Erza.".

Her cheeks hued a baby pink from just hearing his silky, deep voice, "I love you too, Jellal."

As they trade each others' 'I love you's, they watch together as the sun finally rises to mark a new day - a new beginning - a new start for them.

"Because a morning without you is a dwindled dawn."

- Emily Dickinson

sorry for the late (rushed) post. I hope you like it somehow and reviews are appreciated :)