#i feel silly bc it hurts so bad . i wish it didnt. trying to move on SUCKS blehhhh

[sameteeth]

had another dream abt him and we went to in n out. deeply american experience

[nightowlfury]

just gonna document some of the themes my brain latched onto in the thk playlist bc i have nothing better to do👍

i didnt listen to all the songs bc i dont like some of the mainstream pop stuff but i looked at most of the lyrics and this is what my brain's noticed at least. could be reading into things too much bc i love to do that but shrug. if it turns out to have relevance thatd b cool.

also i left out the betrayal/heartbreak/"love as a game" metaphor stuff bc like. that's pretty obvious and i don't care to focus on it lol. additionally, i found a few of the thai songs' translations, but others im not sure about so those aren't included obviously

Jealousy

Relevant lyrics:

That Thing You Do! by The Wonders

- "'cause it hurts me so just to see you go / around with someone new"

ขี้หึง by Silly Fools (translation)

the whole song basically, it's literally called 'jealous' - "smile at me, i'm just a little jealous, just waiting for love" - "and i don't distrust you, my heart's anxious if anyone looks at you" - "(i'm like this) i'm like this with love, but i might be too jealous" - "if anyone makes my heart unsure, would you feel jealous and envious too?"

Lay All Your Love On Me by ABBA

- "i wasn't jealous before we met / now, every woman i see is a potential threat" - "don't go sharing your devotion"

Marriage [likely not thematically relevant]

Relevant lyrics:

Time to Pretend by MGMT

- "let's...find some models for wives" - "the models will have children, we'll get a divorce / we'll find some more models, everything must run its course"

You're Gonna Live Forever in Me by John Mayer

- "and when the pastor asks the pews / for reasons he can't marry you / i'll keep my word in my seat"

You Never Can Tell by Chuck Berry

THIS SONG WAS USED IN THE PULP FICTION DANCE so i dont think its relevant outside of that anymore - "it was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well" - "and now the young monsieur and madame have rung the chapel bell" - "it was there where pierre was wedded to the lovely mademoiselle"

Escape/starting over

Relevant lyrics:

Time to Pretend by MGMT

- "i'll move to paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars" - "love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew"

California - Tchad Blake Mix by Phantom Planet

- "right back where we started from" - "we've been on the run, driving in the sun"

This Love by Maroon 5

- "whispered goodbye as she got on a plane / never to return again"

Island In The Sun by Weezer

- "we'll run away together / we'll spend some time forever / we'll never feel bad anymore"

Smooth (feat. Rob Thomas) by Santana

- "and if you say, 'this life ain't good enough' / i'd give you my world to lift you up / i could change my life to better suit your mood"

Agency/control (lack of)

Drive by Incubus

- "and i, i can't help but ask myself / how much i'll let the fear take the wheel and steer / it's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague / haunting mass appeal / but lately, i'm beginning to find that i / should be the one behind the wheel" - "so if i decide to waiver my / chance to be one of the hive"

Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve

- "i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down" - "no change, i can change, i can change, i can change / but i'm here in my mould, i am here in my mould" -> "i can't change my mould, no, no, no, no, no" - "i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah" - "(i just can't change my violence, melody, and violence...)" (? not 100% sure these are accurate lyrics, but i think they're right)

You Don't Own Me by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

this whole song pretty much - "you don't own me / i'm not just one of your many toys" - "and don't tell me what to do / don't tell me what to say" - "don't try to change me in any way" - "don't tie me down 'cause i'll never stay" - "i don't tell you what to say / i don't tell you what to do / so just let me be myself" - "i'm free and i love to be free / to live my life the way i want / to say and do whatever i please"

This Love by Maroon 5

- "the chaos that controlled my mind" - "and i have no choice, 'cause i won't say goodbye anymore"

Crazy by Aerosmith

- "that kinda loving turns a man to a slave"

Island In The Sun by Weezer

- "and it makes me feel so fine / i can't control my brain"

The past/memory

Relevant lyrics:

คนของเธอ by Maew Jirasak (translation)

- "you don't need to ask me about the past" - "but i have past mistakes" - "i don't want you to ask, it doesn't concern us / it's not a memory of us" - "we still can't return to yesterday, and we still don't know tomorrow" - "regardless of who you used to be or what has happened" - "there's no need to ask me about the past"

ยังไงก็รักเธอ by Chat Chaichat (translation)

- "screw the past, forget it, it's not worth remembering" - "don't get upset, screw whoever says anything, pretty soon you won't remember"

ขอบใจจริง ๆ by Y not 7 (translation)

- "in the end, we separated / and left behind only memories" - "make me remember my costly* lesson" (*translation said 'expensive', but i think this might be what's being implied)

Island In The Sun by Weezer

- "you don't need no memory / just a place to call your own"

Time to Pretend by MGMT

- "love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew"

Specific character connections:

Bison

he's the one i made the most connections to, maybe bc they're the most blatant or maybe bc i just am just bound to pay attention to him. the theme that i think connects to him most is agency/control. i also have a suspicion the jealousy theme is related to him as well, but there's not really any evidence of that as of yet.

with the agency and control, it's pretty clear already that this is one of bison's main struggles in life. he desperately wants to live his own life and feels pressure from both his brother and his mother, but also from his own nature/life circumstance ("mould"). i personally think Bitter Sweet Symphony in the playlist probably directly relates to bison based on the things i've noticed:

"the only road i've ever been down" -> references how bison's life is reduced to and has never strayed from its singular path/purpose (one which was forced on him and he didn't have the power to change)

"no change, i can change, i can change, i can change / but i'm here in my mould, i am here in my mould" -> references bison's struggles with wanting a new life (change) but not being able to achieve it, especially with regards to the fact that he's been 'moulded' into who he is. nevertheless, he believes in the possibility ("i can change")

"but i'm a million different people from one day to the next" -> maybe a bit of a stretch, but this line made me think about bison's interview, where he talks about trying "a hundred" different professions. the line fits well with the idea that bison has to constantly be "different people" in his er, line of work

"i can't change my mould" -> juxtaposition with earlier "i can change", indicating that while bison wants to change his life, he'll never be able to change where he comes from

"well, i've never prayed, but tonight i'm on my knees" -> heavy, heavy religious symbolism with bison which we have already seen oodles of, so it's not much of a stretch to connect this lyric to him. it's interesting to me though, because the line is "i've never prayed", while from the imagery we've seen it would imply that bison is (and has been) religious. i don't know if it's this deep, but maybe it's something like bison being raised religious but not fully believing it/having some sort of resentment of it. but im probably just reading into it too much there. interesting to think about though

"i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me" -> is it a stretch to connect this line to bison's penchant for pain play? probably but that's where my mind goes nevertheless

"but the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now" -> makes me think of kant's inevitable betrayal and how that's going to leave bison. but i dont think that's actually intentionally related, just my own thoughts

"(i just can't change my violence, melody, and violence)" -> well, "can't change my violence" is pretty obvious, because yeah, part of bison's struggle is that he can't change the violence he carries with him, even if he manages to change his life he can't change his past, his mould, his 'violence'

some of these lyrics could also apply to fadel, but i think his attitude about it is much different from bison's and this song paints a picture that fits bison's perspective much more — at least for the moment.

i think You Don't Own Me could also be related to bison, but i'm not sure if it's supposed to just be related to bison. but i'll focus on him for the moment. the whole song is about a lack of agency and control, which we know bison is frustrated by. the rejection of being controlled that's central to the song reminds me a lot of bison's rebellious attitude. what i'm not sure about is who the song might be implying is trying to control him — his mother, maybe? fadel? kant, even? all three of them? i'm interested to see how things develop with lilly (fadel + bison's mother), what their relationship actually looks like. so far i havent noticed anything particularly resentful in bison's attitude toward her, but then again she hasn't actually shown up in the show yet, and bison's been sort of dismissive when she's brought up (e.g. khun mae comment from kant). he seems to defer to fadel in terms of communication with her — he wants fadel to ask her for things on his behalf, so i have a feeling he's not got the best relationship with her.

i think Drive by Incubus could have elements relating to bison, because that song focuses a lot on agency. e.g. "i should be the one behind the wheel" could very well apply to him. however, i think the 'fear taking the wheel' thing doesn't necessarily fit him, so...

Kant

like...i don't really know why i first thought of kant when i heard Drive. maybe bc of the stills of him in his car or smth. but now my brain Associates the song with him — maybe it makes sense, maybe not, but here's my thoughts anyway

i honestly rly like the song bc of the 'driving' metaphor. it's about motivations, what's driving you. in this case, it's fear. i do think this is super relevant to kant. he also struggles with agency, in a similar way that bison does — his past ties him down. he's being used as a tool by someone with power over him. but for him, fear is a much more defining factor of this relationship. while bison might hold a bit of fear, it's not what's driving him.

kant is being driven by fear. specifically, fear of being taken away from his brother, who needs him. their parents are dead, babe doesn't have anyone else to lean on. the captain threatens kant with jail time if he doesn't cooperate, and that would ruin babe's life. so kant has to do what he says even if there's "technically" a choice

so one of kant's main struggles is the fear that 'takes the wheel and steers'. the line "it's driven me before" could relate to the past job(s) he was coerced into by the captain, or even perhaps something else in his past (can't help but wonder why he would steal that car initially — surely he's not the kind of person to do that without a reason?)

"but lately, i'm beginning to find that i / should be the one behind the wheel" -> perhaps this could connect to the inevitable change kant will go through, when somehow he decides that he can't work for the captain anymore, that he needs to be in charge of his own life. i don't pretend to know how that will play out, but it's a thought.

(also, didn't notice until just now but the line "i feel the fear of / uncertainty stinging clear" is rly cool given the name of kant's tattoo studio (inksting) and his back tattoo (beware my sting))

something that doesn't immediately connect to kant about this song in my mind are the lyrics that relate to mass opinion. but i'll get into that in a bit, i'll finish with my kant thoughts first.

there are songs about the past/relationships too that i think apply to kant, e.g. คนของเธอ by Maew Jirasak:

i think marriage is also related to kant but isnt necessarily a full theme from the playlist. kant specifically for obvious reasons (mystery wife listed on his info sheet). Time to Pretend mentions wives and even children and divorce, although i'm not entirely convinced that isn't a coincidence given the rest of the song is pretty applicable to other themes. additionally, You're Gonna Live Forever mentions a wedding, but i can't quite make sense of that one since it seems to imply a person is in love with someone who's actively getting married to someone else. but maybe im taking that too literally. You Never Can Tell is specifically about a wedding so i was suspicious, but i recently found out it was the song used in the pulp fiction dance they imitated in ep 2. so...idk. maybe kants wife was a typo. my one fear

- "you don't need to ask me about the past / you don't have to tell me who you used to be with / if i get careless and happen to ask you / you don't have to answer me" - "i don't want you to ask, it doesn't concern us / it's not a memory of us" - "regardless of who you used to be or what has happened / don't be worried, this is your someone"

i think this could relate to kant's past and his current (or future, i guess) relationship with bison. there's also ยังไงก็รักเธอ by Chat Chaichat which i think could perhaps relate to the same event/circumstance. my mind is sort of pinning these past/memory themes to kant specifially because of the unknowns, probably, but i do think his past is much more important than we know right now. so i suppose we'll see.

kant could connect to other songs too, e.g. You Don't Own Me with regards to the captain, but i'm less inclined to focus on those because i think they relate to other characters more. i don't have many specific things to say about it, but i will mention that i think the jealousy theme might relate to kant. im not quite sure how though (his wife showing back up???¿), so im just going to wait and see with that one.

Fadel

ok now, remember that thing about Drive having lyrics relating to mass opinion? in my mind, i think that might relate to fadel a little. we've already seen in just two episodes (but mainly this last one) that he is very conscious of public opinion and perception. he has to be, really, with his profession and everything, but he's much more concerned about it than carefree bison. that's why i think these lyrics might relate to him:

"it seems to have a vague / haunting mass appeal"

"so if i decide to waiver my / chance to be one of the hive"

"and it seems to be the way / that everyone else gets around"

in a way, fadel is somewhat driven by fear, like kant. i think he's less conscious of it, maybe, and it's coupled with other motivations, but fadel is afraid. of slipping up, of not being able to protect bison, of disappointing their mother maybe, etc. fadel's fear drives him to put extra effort into 'laying low' — we saw it when he scolded bison for wearing bright colors, and it's pretty obvious after the second episode: he's polite with strangers at the market, is frustrated when attention is drawn to him, etc. so i think public opinion is something that is very much at the forefront of fadel's mind, which is why this part of Drive reminds me of him.

the agency/control themes also apply to fadel bc of his shared situation with bison. i don't have much to say other than that, but it's interesting to me how central this theme is to the story as a whole.

i think the escape/starting over themes could relate to pretty much any/all of the characters, but bison and fadel specifically given their life situations. bison's more motivated to pursue that escape, but i think fadel very much craves it as well. and kant too, even, wants to escape his past, has done his best to do so but can't seem to fully succeed. i hope they all do eventually 💪

Dunk

dunk confuses me. i feel like i know the least about him, which is maybe true given we have some idea of the backstories of the three other characters. but dunk is like... an enigma to me. i have 0 clue what his past is like, so i can't necessarily connect him to these themes atm.

but it's interesting to me, because he very much seems like the odd one out in comparison to the other characters. from what we've seen so far, dunk has the most agency out of any of them. kant's being a bit deceptive/manipulative with him, sure, but he still willingly made the choice to pursue fadel for his own benefit, and could logically call the deal off at any point.

he works under his father at the auto shop, but we don't really know much about that. i suppose you might be able to connect that to the themes somewhat — his dad tells him not to listen to music, tries to exert this (light) form of control over him, and dunk takes no heed of it. he does what he wants. it juxtaposes fadel a lot, who holds himself back at every turn. dunk's using his prolific agency to taunt fadel, who has none. interesting flirtation strategy there. but it's very interesting.

that's the only theme here that i can imagine connecting to him at the moment — the same agency that's represented in the other characters, but flipped on its head. if bison, fadel, and kant represent a lack of agency, dunk represents an abundance of it. at least so far. which i do think will play a part in his er, wooing of fadel, who craves that agency even if he pretends not to.

we'll see. idk. atm dunk feels a lot more two-dimensional than the other characters so i hope he gets a little more development.

overall very intrigued by the themes in the playlist and how they (will) bleed through in the show. also curious about which songs are actually gonna be in the show diegetically/non-diegetically (though so far สุดสุดไปเลย and คิดอะไรอยู่ have been diegetic, so i expect we'll see more of that)

[rlljayhon]

12/28/24 - a new type of low

we just exchanged christmas gifts today and it made me really happy to see they enjoyed my gifts, and i really like the gift they got me, but idk i guess everything about the whole holiday season and what not has taken quite a toll on me i guess idk

they posted a bunch of pictures of that guy and they said how much they missed them, like idk while we were talking they went back to texas for a bit they missed me a lot too but i did not get a post like that LMAO and idk its not just that, like they share everything with this guy, when they got the gift they took a picture and sent it to him, and i guess obviously thats where all of my feelings come from

it sucks that im like still working on getting over them because they were like the #1 thing on my mind and now even when we are hanging out they are constantly updating him on whatever and it makes me sad that like idk i just feel like they would rather be talking to them at any given moment

that is totally fair too, they can do what they please, i am just sad bc it felt like as soon as this guy came back into their life they pretty much ended things with me

a lot of things hurt about that situation, it makes me feel so little and insecure because like, what does this guy have or what do they like about him so much that i dont have or like what about me made them move on so easily

i guess its also me reaching my core problems of insecurity bc like i just have so much self doubt in myself and i feel so worthless

i wish i didnt care so much about love

i wish it wasn’t the only thing that truly makes me sad

i wish i didnt always put all my eggs into one basket, but idk it was the cutest and most fun and amazing basket that ever came into my life yknow

more and more i think about seeing a therapist

i think everyone should go to therapy if they have the means to do so, but idk i also think its a bad sign bc i am realizing how poor my mental health is getting

i feel like the life has left my eyes and i am forcing myself to be the happy silly guy everyone thinks of me as

i have no tears to cry, and trust me, ive tried.

i wish i still wasnt so hung up on this

they never showed the same amount of interest as i did so i dont know why im so sad

i think its also bc we didnt continue our relationship because they wanted to explore their queerness, but now they are like super into this guy, which also makes me feel really insecure, it makes me feel like that was just them trying to be nice to let me down easy

yeah i just think the hardest part is having to see them so often, like since we are in the same org i am just bound to see them so often yknow

i mean im definitely a little mad at them, but i am more mad at myself for getting my hopes up

i still see myself being their friend, im still very grateful to have them, im sad that i now have this like lingering thought/longing for them in the back of my mind

if they end up together with that guy i will be happy for them, but i will also be so emotionally devastated because idk it just makes all my insecure thoughts feel valid

idk what my issues is around love, but my dear joma and mao please bless me with a rev gamer girl who loves me for me and please bless me with a partner who feels like home, where i dont have to doubt myself or my partners feelings, someone who can help me grow and make me feel safe

god i long for that so badly, i feel like i have always been the lover/giver, so what do i need to do to be the one to receive

or maybe just someone who sees me for me and loves me for it idk

i wanna be over this and feel normal again

[k0kichiimagines]

HII!!! 💖💖💖

I have a kokichi request.

kokichi and the reader are childhood friends and kokichi is starting to act cold towards the reader bc he likes them and is scared to ruin their friendship.

the reader thinks they did smth wrong and goes to his house to surprise him with gifts to apologize for whatever they did wrong and he confesses.

(bonus points if it s an angry confession)

💖💖💖

oooh okay!! hope you enjoy <333

- mod kokichi

kokichi x reader

-> childhood friends confession

you felt bad.

why?

you weren't sure. you just did. in your eyes you'd clearly done something wrong to piss the supreme leader off, and although you had at first felt slightly irritated that he was simply refusing to talk and denying you'd done anything, you now just felt bad.

he'd been so cold. to everyone else he was smiling and actually mostly as usual. but you got obviously attempts at him avoiding you, and half hearted replies. you missed your friend, even if you wished you could be more, you'd rather be friends then not.

you were clutching a bag as you approached DICEs 'hideout' - which was just some old house they'd done up and probably didn't actually legally own. the members around greeted you with waves, and one informed you that your suspicion of kokichi being in his room was correct.

you knocked and entered upon reply. he was sat at his desk, face towards the door. his face changed when he saw you. "oh, it's you."

you placed the bag in front of him, and he raised an eyebrow at you. "kokichi... what did i do to hurt you? please talk to me, whatever it was im sure i didn't mean it to hurt you, i mis-"

"i already told you you did nothing! why do you keep blaming yourself?" he seemed angry now, but he didn't raise his voice. just cut you off as he crossed his arms. "it's getting silly now. you did nothing. end of."

you clicked your tongue in annoyance, but held back. "then why wont you speak to me anymore? clearly something is wrong, im not stupid, kokichi!"

"mind your business!"

"this is my business, isnt it!?"

"what do you want from me? do you want me to tell you how i feel? just leave me be."

"i do actually yeah, that'd be nice."

"you don't. you wouldn't like it."

"Kokichi."

"... fine! i like you." you froze. "exactly, you dont feel the same. im not mad at you for that, i dont blame you, i just want some space and time to be able to move on! i didnt want to make you uncomfortable, why couldnt you just drop it..!"

"... you like me?"

he looked at you nervously now. he was trying to be expressionless, but you knew him. he didn't reply.

"Kokichi, i-"

"dont."

"no, you don't understand. kokichi." you grabbed his shoulders. "kokichi i like you as well! i have for ages, i thought you didnt like me so i was happy to just stay friends!"

he stared suspiciously at you. you knew he was trying to guess if you were lying or not, if you were buttering him up. "you... do?" you nodded. he smiled giddily. he grabbed your hands excitedly. "you do ?!"

"yes!"

he spun you slightly, smiling even wider. he then groaned and ran his hand through his hair. "i should have told you...! i could have made a romantic date. im sorry for ignoring you as well." the last part was quick, he wasn't the best with apologies.

"s'alright, i forgive you."

"okay." he stood for a minute. "so about that date-"

[misterbitches]

This is a personal kinda critique/my thoughts w the show im in my phone in a hotel w my parents in boston and im just rly fucking crazy rn and i cant put a read more link my bad. tagging it just in case cos i have some technical thoughts too but i doubt ppl care. I may delete this. Why is ttumblr for iphone so vad where the eff is the read more jawn.......ANYWAY

my uncle died and it has taken an insane emotional toll on me more than i thought possible. spiraling me i to an episode. when the pandemic began, i remember i was watching 2gether and it gave me solace because i had nothing else. i lost two jobs—one very important for my career—my relationship with my parents is fraught, im 29, and i have to live with them. but when i look back on 2gether, since it was what i was doing a lot at the time bc we could do even less than now, i dont feel a connection i just watched it at the time.

blih may be like this, but my uncle died...the day before it aired. I guess i watched it the next day out of desperation. I just went to check and im crying now. Idk what memories ill have of the show and i hate marking periods of my life by such silly capitalist output but what choice do we have anyway? it was nice because i got to see something mild and sweet.

and i have to say, the mom cameo was really touching. so was director mai. having grief and having a really neglected childhood those two things made me cry. they got his mother’s reaction downpat to losing the love of her life and being a widow—it hit me like a ton of bricks to hear that talk then go to the memorial service snd take care of my cousins and be there for my aunt. Im no one and not a widow but that type of love for a partner and being able to celebrate him abd love him completely forever and not having the memory leave you. It is important to me to see that it is possible. This could lie the rub between BL just for BL sake or like actual shows that are dramas that happen to have different types of ppl and not ignoring their way of life or possibility (“querrness means possibility” - a famous thai auteur named joe)

love is a really beautifl and previous thing and people deserve happiness and respect and to be loved. theres a person who is with you and the people around you and one day they could leave. for whatever reason. should we not try? if not for the emotional buts i think the show would be something people care less avout but that was a draw. and for the first time in so long especially for a BL i thought, “wow, i feel something and i’m having fun.”

it’s hsrd to talk about and personal. i miss him more than life itself. Some days it is so bad. I want to exit the earth and dnot do it anymore. but theres little teeny thngs that make it a bit better to hold on. lol theres so much to do and to be happy with. and so much to fall into despair. id rather watch it go by but i dont want to miss a chance to feel what they feel or loving people around me and finding the love of my life and my calling.

it was nice to wait for something every week that was sort of like a friend and to see a lot of the same problems im facing too. pain of loss and moving on isnt running away i guess. im similar to jyz in the fact that id rather not do it at all to not lose what i never had. i wish i didnt know my uncle, because i wouldnt feel this way but if i never knew him bow could i have loved someone so much and known him? wouldnt that bee a loss? isnt giving up and closing yourself off to force people to come to you because youre scared just as slefish? Dunno.

The show made me think a lot ans it was just perfect timing i guess. it didnt help me run away from my demons but it quelled them for a time and reminded me i could be better too.

Now as an artist with insane abandonment issues i can safely say that production mistakes were a plenty and most egregiously i would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER be able to handle the level of stress of having someone that fucking left me back. That would destroy me, when JYZ was upset around him i was and all the signs were about a relaly oppressive difficult person but they introduced him too late. but ironically i saw the patterns of abuse i went/go through w my parents and my distrust meter skyrocketed and because aaron lai is a good actor, it extra hurt. he acted like a small child—the same feelings i was having at that exact week and i felt the force of it. I feel like that was a missed opportunity and i get why but this is what i mean about the feelings they were able to get down. The actors did legwork from the script to their delivery but it alsk means the script wasnt totally atrocious. Ok now im talking in circles.

This is kinda like to my star, a nice show, tranqhil, and sorrowful but eventually just hopeful. Maybe it’s the hopefulness and peace idk. I just wish my life was calm like that but again escapism abd then they hit u with the rela shit and u cant take it

And the little prince....st exupery was an anti fascist so thats good but the whimsy of that book and the beauty of continuing or...the prince knew he was heading first into something he may not make it out of but he did it because why not? Why not go to the fullest? Nothing is set in stone. The prince didn’t understand adults but he didnt have to. He was going through life searching and encountered hardships but still took the chance. He didnt run away.

[rqs902]

.

watching xikan on the 娱乐新鲜派,  一起爬墙吧 , and sina 娛情实验室 interviews just made me appreciate him even more. his snarky, playful side contrasts well with his caring, protective side. and i feel like we saw more of the former during ip and we’re seeing more of the latter during snzm. both are nice to see, but i miss his silly fun side and im grateful he still has it in him to act cocky in a non-snobby, but rather joking way but also speak like a true friend about how he feels about his friends who have found success post ip.

aw my child is on the front page :’)

ugh im surprised only xikan was so determined to use this opportunity to save people who need saving.... but i guess that shows how much he really values the opportunity and his friends who are not popular 

aw im glad linjie immediately corrected the interviewer who said that he has 3 geges in CTO to 6.... at first ngl i was wondering if had moved on from being friends with them, but im glad he hasnt forgotten. even zixin was so surprised zlj called him lol

aw i like that the team 7 group is all together still :’) rip enyu and linkai’s popularity tho. enyu always coming through with the realest quotes every ep. yes this is basically a test of how social you’ve been with the popular kids :\

AW WENXUAN PICKING XUE EN was such a good move on his part, i approve. but also i didnt realize they were close? LOL but like considering where they are, who xue en is, and who else in the group already? a good move.

hHAHAHAH I DONT THINK IVE EVER SEEN LIN MO THIS HAPPY awwww so first i didnt realize kou cong was doing so well, #11 good for him!!! but also this makes more sense as to why jin fan is the only tyger who didnt get picked into this group.... lin mo picked akey and kou cong picked zhan yu, which both make sense as individual decisions but then leaves out jin fan, unfortunately. but MAN they have a well-rounded group.... but seeing jin fan as the only tyger in the lower half votes area and also as the only one who didnt get picked to be in this group? a group that has a song style that he should try to pursue rather than being cast as a vocal AGAIN? hurts. the tygers are the ones who are most likely to save him and theyre all in a different group from him? ouch. i hope hes made enough friends so someone else will save him then... 

wow i didnt realize chaowen was close with shiwei, the cto kids are close with all the popular kids LOL but also im heavily surprised chaowen didnt pick ylq?? when i saw cyc and chaowen on one side and ylq on the other, i felt sad but thought theyd pick him for sure, because he needs saving. // oh i guess it makes sense ycw says he doesnt want to pick between ylq and cyc but still... ylq needs your help more, i feel like itd make sense? but its okay im happy he picked shiwei to help demonstrate further how much the cto kids are helping these popular kids!!! 

i appreciate sxl for choosing to save mxy over choosing a song he wanted most. ugh sad it didnt work out. but he couldve tried harder to pick a song mxy wouldve wanted, if he was gonna switch his choice anyway?? hmm i feel like mxy probably shouldve gone with sxl though... at least he could be saved next round and possibly get more screentime by being associated with someone whos more popular

oof ybz being salty about liu cong and relating it to cxh being salty over xzx.... as someone whos been on the other side of that, i think people should be able to have a best friend but still hang out with other people and make other friends? I dont think it should be restricted like that :\ hes so salty omg.... idk i dont think its a good look for him but maybe thats bc i disagree with his viewpoint about friendship. 

LOL THE VOCALIST ROOM OF LI HAO, RENYU, LI CHENXU, JUNRONG, XU ZHAOHAO SINGING TONG HUA HAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAH SU ER IS SO EXTRA like omgomg you picked me you picked me! and oscar’s just like... well.... hHAHAHHhah but id like to think that oscar remembered su er’s tears from ep 1 and kept his sadness to heart. maybe :) 

AYYYY RENYU being the highest ranked vocal in that room of vocalists :’) AHHH AND ENYU IS JOINING THEIR GROUP YESSSSS THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST VOCAL PERFORMANCE EVER 

man its just like what youd expect, the rest of the group choosing gets like fast forwarded to the end lol but yay for cyc and ylq being able to pick the same group tho... even tho it doesnt seem like the type of style theyve done before? i guess that could possibly be a good thing? but man i wish sbh got to do another cool stage :\

OSCAR ATTACKING HONG WEIHAO WITH A BACK HUG I LOVE FRIENDSHIP

wait so the lower rank kids dont get to pick people, its just individual choice at that point? well at least jin fan got to pick a song he wanted :’) at least he’ll get to actually dance this time... (pls let him do some bboying pls let him do some bboying) 

oh rip this mxy hyj group :( feels bad to be the leftover kids.... mxy probably shouldve just gone with sxl....... i saw a post where someone said ofc its a star master trainee keeping this group together and leading their practice - loll..................

lol these closeups at the end are so obviously biased they dont even bother showing the faces of half the group members :( 

AW JIN FAN HOLDING THE TYGER SIGN 

even if jin fan is sad at least he has a good attitude about it ><

im crying they literally only included this group’s intros bc youku enjoys watching hyb get personally attacked LOL not that im complaining AT ALL HAHHAHAHAH i love this group already and i love how all the kids have hopped on the lin mua train :’) im cheng xiao laughing my butt off watching them HAHAH but also im 99% sure jin fan is the one who taught zhan yu to sing that line in cantonese 1) bc its cantonese but 2) bc jin fan ALWAYS sang that song in past interviews when asked to do a personal talent LOL my best brooos

real talk tho when will we ever get a zhan yu and jin fan stage? :( 

well everyones super shook that this was 1.5 hrs of song selection and we didnt get any stages... idk if theyre gonna stuff 8 stages into tomorrow’s ep but if they dont i will be worried about skewed voting yet again so hopefully they figured it out somehow.... 

[deangirldisease]

let me very quickly emotiondump on here how do you make a read more

oh that was easy thanks google. anyway maybe i should look for a therapist again because i hate my brain right now its all im not doing enough at work but im doing too much at work with no support and also i hate letting these people down who are paying for a service only for the service to be shit but then yesterday i reached a boiling point (probably bc of my period) and just held back tears all damn day until finally i was like fuck it im gonna have plans and goals and aspirations and shit and looked up the admissions requirements for my masters so now im stressed about that cos theres Steps and i need money but like big money, loan money, on top of wanting to see my family in general but also because my grandma fucking DIED apparently and my cousins are there and i shouldve just STAYED WHERE I WAS but i dont like. regret coming here? i dont know i dont know ANYTHING i cant tell what im doing whats my fault and what isnt what any of the issues even are. i just dont know. i dont know what i want so i cant decide what would be best in order to achieve it, i havent talked to my step dad in years and i miss my MOM and my fathers being a dick even when i call him for a favor and i feel guilty so i try to like chat with him he still acts like a twat and makes me feel bad by turning it into a transaction. i dont even really like talking to him but it’s just hurtful i guess. especially when he claims to love me and whatnot all the fucking time. and im literally AT WORK having all these breakdowns and i dont know what to do about any of it. i mean im perfectly capable of just doing the tasks and applying to university, getting a loan, studying and pretending i have a plan but i dont and its terrifying and just emotionally im so confused. ive never wanted to hurt myself out of anger ot self hatred but ive literally always kind of considered death as relief. an easy way out. dont have to plan for anything or understand your emotions if youre just gone. im not suicidal but i do wish i was dead if that… makes sense. i dont want to have to figure out what i want so i can figure out how to get it and then be forced to put effort into things. but i also think my anxiety and depression are all coming from the aimlessness. im just existing, killing time.. until what? until i get hit with wanting something and instantly regret the time i wasted? i cant even confidently say hey at least i lived in all these cool places because im barely enaging with my surroundings!! im not making friends im not going out im not even understanding any of the systems and policies i technically live by. like i say i should get a therapist but i dont know the first thing about HOW to do that. who would pay for it. i dont know anything. about anything. i just go to the woods here and theyre lovely woods, very unique, people come from the whole continent to shoot their moody movie here because its so pretty so i guess thats all. thats what ive gotten out of the last two years of my life. i read wheel of time and i saw really nice woods. and even when i think about going back to bulgaria i just think about how easy it would be to not do anything and have my familys support but thays not solving the problem!!! but idk how to explain it to my best friend because she just thinks i hate bulgaria on principle which i dont honestly, i kinda hated my peers and the general mentality of the people but now that im here i miss the humor and the food. i dont know. it all boils down to that i dont know ANYTHING and its so much to untangle and im on my PERIOD. and i feel like i need to keep talking but i dont want to actually open my mouth and say this to anyone because it doesnt make any sense and if they start trying to help ill lose my fucking mind because ill have to explain it but i dont know HOW i dont know what IT evennis and oh my god thats why i hate this job because i have to constantly explain things i dont understand so it makes me feel like THIS all the time holy shit…. i knew that before but i didnt realise how deeply rooted my issues are

lmao tumblr said i gotta shut up. how do you have paragraph restrictions embedded in the server that makes no sense. anyway. another small part of my brain keeps telling me to just move back to europe. but like on my own. but also in madrid to live with my cousins. but thats… silly. ah i finally understand the “you cant just run away from your grief/problems/emotions” movie cliches lmaoooo

let me stop fucking crying and go answer my job. dont read this

[kinkyacademia]

I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M THE WISH GIVER. What about a scenario of an s/o nejire? I love my lil amazing girl. Like she is beat after a messy mission and she feelss so bad about herself. maybe she feels down bc the last mission (chap 159) she passed out and didnt do her job properly? fluff and care

Once again! I’m not dead, just very busy with exams and work!

Also ouch my feelings got hurt by my own writing again. REALLY SMALL SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 159. 

-Mod Pomme 🍒 

You had been watching the entire ordeal on television, covering your mouth when you saw your girlfriend surrounded by what seemed like hoards of yakuza and villains alike. She was back to back with a girl she had described to you nearly a week before. What was her name? Gravity? Uravity. That was it. 

You paced, almost crying when you saw her stumble, the fight having gone on for a good while, and she had taken more than her fair share of hits. 

“Please,” You whispered, chewing on your knuckle in nervousness. “Please just let it end. Get out of there, ‘Jire.” You saw her jump backwards, crying out as she had a bad landing, not getting back up. You cried out in distress.

Someone! Please help her! You couldn’t help but think, about a moment away from grabbing your bike and going to her. Even if you couldn’t help, you sure as hell would die trying to save her.

Luckily, Ryukyu, her dragon mentor, had swooped in, picking her up in a large claw and setting her with a group of rescue officers, swiftly returning to the fight as they moved your girlfriend away from the chaos.

Nearly an hour had passed since then, and you were relieved to hear that she had made a recovery, and was back in the fight, taking care of the last of the yakuza, mostly staying out of the way a young hero single-handedly fought the scariest villain you had ever seen, with a young girl on his back, no less! The fight came to its end, and you nearly sobbed in relief.

You had to wait another hour for Nejire to return home, and when she did, you could tell she wasn’t in good shape. 

She had entered tiredly, still in her hero uniform as she sighed, putting her bag down. You could tell she was trying to put on a brave face, but you knew better. She hugged you, giving you a soft kiss before beginning to leave for your bedroom.

“Nejire?” You called after her softly, trying to approach gently. You wrapped your arms from behind, hugging her gently. “It’s okay to be sad, you know.”

There was a moment of silence before you felt her breath hitch, and you could tell she was trying to hold back sobs. You released her to slowly turn her to face you, pulling her close as you saw the tears streaming down her face. She even looked pretty when she cried. It broke your heart to see your usually happy girl like this.

You held her close, never wanting to let her go after feeling her tears soak into the shoulder of your shirt, her fingers gripping the back of your shirt as she sobbed. 

“I-I w-was so sc-scared…” She hiccuped between sobs, and you pet the long expanse of her hair softly, shushing her as you tried to comfort your girlfriend. When she had quieted down, you pulled back, holding her by the shoulders so you could look her in the eyes.

“Hey, how about we get you cleaned up?” You suggested softly, and she nodded meekly. “Then I’ll make you some food, and we can watch that k-drama you like?” She nodded again, this time a little more firmly, and you smiled, leading her to the bathroom.

The two of you undressed, pulling her into the shower as you both relaxed under the spray of the warm water. She rested her head against your chest as you washed the upward spirals styled into her hair, taking your time in lathering the rest of her long hair, allowing her to wash her cuts and scrapes carefully with some unscented soap.

When finished, the two of you dried off, you dressing first as she dried her hair, brushing it while you went to find her some pajamas. You returned with her favorite silly one-sie, allowing her to put it on before you stole the brush from her hand, sitting her on the floor as you sat on the edge of the tub, brushing her blue locks carefully. You could tell something was still on her mind.

“(Name)?” She said softly, nearly a whisper. You let out an affirmative hum. “Am I a hero?”

It took everything in you not to cry, your eyebrows knitting as you breathed deeply.

“I don’t know.” You answered, continuing on working with your brush, “What is a hero?”

She slouched a bit, you answer obviously not helping her.

“If you mean a person that saves peoples, then yes. A person that follows the law? Yes. A person that does the very best she can? Absolutely. By all those standards, you’re a hero.” She turned, looking at you with sad eyes. “I don’t know what you consider a hero. But I do know one thing,” You leaned in, kissing her gently on the forehead. “You’re my hero.” Her mouth came open in shock, eyes beginning to water as she began to cry, pulling you down to kiss her again.

“I love you, (Name).”

“I love you too, my hero.”

[spkdnailbats]

Hyper-fixations!! (aka- my stan list)

yo so I've realized I always hyper-fixate on characters in media that I either relate to, wish to be like, or draw comfort from.... so bc I'm bored here's some peeps in this category:

•Taako (The Adventure Zone Balance) - want to be like - openly himself, multidimensional, fully realized creation, loved by many, charismatic, in a good and healthy relationship (thats also so supportive and cute and god wheres my gf version of kravitz???), unapologetic, went through some shit and came out different and with issues but is still just good, loves family, passionate

•Angus McDonald (The Adventure Zone Balance) - comfort character - hes just a sweet lil guy who just loves his weird found family and is just so smart and precious and i love him with my whole soul and being, makes me smile whenever he pops up

•Magic Brian (The Adventure Zone Balance) - comfort character - can never fail to make me laugh and smile

•Hurley (The Adventure Zone Balance) - relate to - a small ball of energy, typically a rule follower but likes to stray away sometimes, a gay!!, lowkey likes to race in my jeep (its only with my one friend and its not a legit race but we say it is and its v fun)

•Carey Fangbattle (The Adventure Zone Balance) - relate to / want to be like - tiny but big personality, a gay!!, fiesty, sneaky, tough cookie, loves a tall butch girl (i do not have a tall butch girl to love but maybe someday!!), badass little rogue (i wish)

•Virgil "Anxiety" Sanders (Sanders Sides/Thomas Sanders) - relate to - anxious ball of something, many people consider cute although deny it / dont believe it, self deprecating!!, needs a hug, tries to be intimidating but fails, the mom™ friend

•Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe) - relate to - felt lost, felt ostracized from friends (sometimes true sometimes not - gee, cognitive distortions are a bitch), found people and felt comfortable and at home with them, found family, self deprecating, separates self to not get hurt, wants to protect but also avoid, sad™

•Peridot (Steven Universe) - comfort character - had genuine growth as a character which is nice to see, is silly but also can be serious, makes me smile whenever i see her

•Howl (Howl’s Moving Castle) - relate to / want to be like - very much himself, overdramatic af (drama queen and a diva), sees the best in people, cares based on personality rather than looks (calls an old lady beautiful bc she has a good heart), a versatile lgbt (looks and acts like a gay but dates a pretty girl, the dream ngl), fashionable af and dyes hair fun colors

•Calcifer (Howl’s Moving Castle) - relate to - sassy little bitch, underappreciated until absolutely needed, small and typically seen as tame but can have a big personality at times

•Sophie Hatter (Howl’s Moving Castle) - relate to / want to be like - the odd one out, seen as ordinary, never the pretty one but always the average or forgettable one, always someone better and not often liked, when liked its always true and based on a beautiful personality, finds real love in an unlikely situation (wheres my love in life?), makes own path and doesnt care what people say/think, ambitious, does what needs to be done even if its hard, comforting maternal presence but also dominant and assertive when needed, gets shit done

•Kiki (Kiki's Delivery Service) - relate to / want to be like - is an outsider but finds her place eventually, inexperienced but trying her best, works hard in all she does, makes something of herself (i hope someday thats me), makes the best out of a bad situation

•Stitch (Lilo & Stitch) - relate to - lost, searching for home and family, feel constantly different from everyone else, runs away from problems before finally solving/fixing them

•Baymax (Big Hero 6) - comfort character - was there for hiro and did whatever possible the whole movie to help him (learning about grieving, sacrificing, etc), and there was a time in my life that I really needed that presence and didn’t have it that way at the time, but now 14 years later I’m in a much better state mentally but baymax still makes me cry bc he reminds me of stuff™, (tbh i got to “meet baymax” at disney when i was 16 and lowkey was so excited and cried a bit, and my friend bought me a stuffed animal baymax that afternoon for my birthday and i sobbed and carried it around in my bag for the rest of the trip)

•Hiro (Big Hero 6) - relate to - ((this is gonna get sad sorry ://)) so like hiro i lost a sibling (however i was much younger than hiro and my sibling was younger than me) in a way that it was inflicted by someone else but was “unintentional/collateral” and i didnt really deal with it for a while until i actually got help and started doing things again to get back into normal life. i sob beginning to end during bh6 bc i feel for hiro and i know what hes going through and what its like and it sucks

•Alice (Alice in Wonderland) - relate to - gets lost in own head a lot, kinda a wonky imagination, doesnt follow own advice (”i give myself very good advice, but i very seldom follow it”), happy doing own thing until lost or lonely which then leads to fear and anxiety, doesnt know who to trust, trying to find something that isnt easily found

•Oswald the Lucky Rabbit (Disney) - relate to - ((please look up oswalds story if you dont know who he is- in brief terms, he was a cartoon walt disney made and abandoned when he made his own studio (c. 1920s) and was replaced by mickey and was forgotten about until 2006)) cast aside, forgotten about, replaced, wants to belong

•Carson Phillips (Struck by Lightning) - want to be like / relate to - snarky and sarcastic bitch, does what he needs to in order to get shit done, a “penetrating personality” (literally a quote from the mf book), ambitious, goals bigger than anyone thinks they should be, makes morally ambiguous decisions to get what he wants

•Veronica Sawyer (Heathers) - relate to / want to be like - got some shitty friends who we dont really like but stick around with for convenience or something, has ambitions in life, stands up for what she believes in and for injustice and is generally a brave badass (i wish i was)

•Heather McNamara (Heathers) - relate to - lost, follows “friends”, tries to fit in with those around, sad™

•Elizabeth Swan (Pirates of the Caribbean) - want to be like - brave, stands up for what she believes in even if it might get her killed, tough (literally the pirate king), does what she wants cause she a bad bitch, tough, literally so pretty??, found true love in an unlikely place at an unlikely time, literally got married while fighting next to her true love vs the undead fish pirated while the ship is stuck in a whirlpool, badass af

•Kurt Hummel (Glee) - want to be like / comfort character - open about who he is, fashionable af, in the actual cutest couple on glee yall can fight me about it, learned to love himself then never stopped, a sassy queen always (i have so many of his mannerisms smh), went from cute twink to muscle boy and wow we love a glow-up, went from being bullied into submission and scared to being open and standing up for others even if he gets hurt, always made me smile, first real lgbt person i saw in the media and helped me embrace myself fully

•Klaus Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy) - relate to - outcast, lotta mental health issues, music lover and bad dancer, headphones always on, bad experiences and trauma formed self, kinda lazy

•Vanya Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy) - relate to - pushed aside, never a priority, taken advantage of, has own skill no one acknowledges, sad™

•Elphaba Thropp (Wicked) - relate to - cast out, different from everyone else, unique in own way, never the pretty one

----------------------------------------------------

and some honorable mentions of real people I connect with comfort and strive to be like in my day to day life (like ive taken on a lot of their mannerisms or sayings):

•Patrick Stump (Fall Out Boy) - literally the sweetest person ever, super talented in so many different ways, so positive and inspirational (esp about mental health)

•Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance, Umbrella Academy) - always accepting of people (esp lgbt!! gay rights!!), multi-dimensional, versatile talents (singer, song writer, artist, comic book writer)

•Mitch Grassi (Pentatonix/Superfruit) - so openly himself, genuine, verbal about mental health (esp anxiety and depression), phenomenal singer, so kind to everyone, unique, fashionable, sassy as hell, lgbt!!, shows dreams can come true

•Chris Colfer (Glee/Author) - super talented (singing, acting, writing), lgbt!!, snarky as hell, super sweet but also super funny, (tbh ive stanned him since like 2012 and hes the only celeb ive ever met and i will always stan that man)

•Hayley Kiyoko (Singer) - lesbian jesus, came out even though she was told it could ruin her career, so truly herself, open about lgbt issues and mental health, positive towards everyone, encourages everyone to open up and be unapologetically themselves

•Eugene Lee Yang (Try Guys) - authentically himself, isn’t afraid of what people thing, does his own thing even if its different and odd to some, lgbt!!, a shady bitch in the best way, has his own style and kills it always

•Daniel Howell (Youtuber) - open about mental health and most recently his past as well as lgbt experience, can make you laugh and cry at the same time somehow, more talented than he thinks he is, shows you can get through anything