#i feel like the scum of the earth. i feel like i've turned my back on everyone i cared about but i don't even know what else to do

[bloodystray]

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[miicapitann]

Yuri Briar x Seme Male Reader

It's impossible to find any male reader fics about Yuri Briar from Spy x family, and I've had some ideas. I figured I may as well write them down, whether they end up being for myself or if others end up enjoying them.. I would like to continue this one, at least.

↜(つ▀¯▀ )つ︻デ┳═ー.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Summary: Yuri Briar finds himself with a new coworker, a mercenary by the codename Snake Eyes. After working with the man once, he finds him to be a few things: incredibly unaware, incredibly efficient, incredibly strong, and kind of hot?? Not that he can see the mercenary's face.. Tall, fully armed, and respecting his sister, whom he hasn't even met? Just Yuri's type!

Walking into his superior's office, Yuri removed his hat with his left hand, held it over his chest, and used his right hand to salute his boss.

"SIR!! How can I help you!" He shouted out, with what his boss interpreted as the enthusiasm of a puppy.

"A man who's been murdering civilians was brought in today; I'm assigning you to interrogate him with the 'officer' who caught him in the room." He paused, his more serious demeanor dropping as he looked up at Yuri, smiling. "You haven't worked with Snake Eyes yet, have you? He's a highly skilled mercenary who we've managed to secure under our belt; you two would get along." His smile changed from a grin as he tapped his cigar into the ashtray on his desk. Sometimes, his demeanor almost seemed like a schoolgirl's..

Yuri was mildly confused. He had never even heard of a mercenary working with the State Security Service, something he questioned his boss about. He was only told that this Snake Eyes fellow handled their most dangerous cases.

"Here's the file on the suspect. You're in charge of the interrogation; Snake Eyes is only there for intimidation tactics and keeping the perp in line. There's a list of what we need to know in the envelope. Do your best, Second-Lieutenant Briar!!" His boss beams at the end, shooing Yuri out to complete the interrogation.

As he walked from his superior's office to the interrogation room, he looked over the file quickly but thoroughly. Usually, he had much more time to brief himself on the situation and the suspect and even gather his own evidence. On this occasion, Yuri hadn't even been aware of a murderer being afoot, though he figured it may have been due to the fact that a case like this was certainly something that the Lieutenant would handle. Or perhaps it was how overworked and exhausted he was that something like this never reached him. Yuri neared the room that the 'scum of the earth murderer' was held in, having read his name to be Halbert Johnson.

'What a terrible name... I can't believe garbage like this walks the same earth as my dear Yor..' He thought to himself; his enraged feelings could be seen clearly on his face. And expression that was clearly seen by the Lieutenant, who walked toward him from in front of the interrogation room.

"Second-Lieutenant Briar." He started. Speaking calmly and controlled. Stiffening, Yuri saluted.

"Lieutenant Sir!" he said, with that puppy-like attitude that his boss had noticed.

The lieutenant had decided that if the interrogation with Halbert went well, not only would Yuri be trusted with more important tasks, but he may be paired with Snake Eyes more if they seemed to work well together. The second 'privilege' being a request of the big man in charge. He walked Yuri back toward the direction that he had come from, toward where the Second-Lieutenant was originally headed, the interrogation room.

"I'm sure you were informed that you would be working with Snake Eyes." He asked. A rhetorical question. "He's the guy in the combat gear. Introduce yourself and begin when you're ready." He finished, walking away right after.

Yuri turned his attention to the man 'in the combat gear' with whom he would be working. His gaze started at the other man's feet, dragging upwards, a climb that seemed to go on forever.

'This guy is gigantic!!' Yuri thought to himself, his emotions, this time shock, evident on his face. This was Snake Eyes.

Snake Eyes was incredibly tall; the top of Yuri's head barely reached the guy's collarbones. He was dressed in combat boots with a visible steel toe, black cargo pants cinched in around his thighs with straps that held heavy-duty weaponry, ranging from combat knives to guns and-

'IS THAT A FUCKING GRENADE??' Yuri wasn't really sure if the other man was allowed to have that, but given the fact that he also wasn't really sure what the station of the other man was other than mercenary, he decided not to question it. He was in the headquarters of the SSS. If he wasn't authorized to have it, he wouldn't.

The straps on the mercenary's thighs connected to a belt that sat around his hips, weaving through the loops on his pants. This belt held more gear, one of which was clearly a pistol. He wore a form-fitting dark green T-shirt, matching the green color of the SSS uniform, underneath a bulletproof vest. His arms were concealed with a long-sleeved black compression shirt that he wore under the T-shirt, and his hands were adorned with black and green gloves with small orange details that seemed to have armored knuckles. Strapped to his back was a submachine gun.

Yuri wasn't sure if he should be more afraid of the submachine gun, the grenades, or perhaps the man himself. But as he looked toward the other's face, finally ready to introduce himself, he noticed that Snake Eyes wore a black balaclava helmet and reflective goggles, his identity completely concealed aside from his eye-catching tall stature. He looked like he could stop a truck bare-handed, or at least, that was what was on Yuri's mind as he stuck his hand out to greet his new coworker or whatever he was.

"Hello, I'm Second-Lieutenant Yuri Briar. It's nice to meet you. I was told we are working together today," he said. his tone was formal, yet the slight confusion and nervousness were pretty evident on his face.

"𝚂𝚗𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝙴𝚢𝚎𝚜," the other man introduced himself, grabbing Yuri's outstretched hand and giving it an incredibly firm shake but not strong enough to hurt Yuri. "𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 ��𝚘𝚞."

The gear he was wearing muffled his voice, enough that Yuri couldn't match the voice if he heard it elsewhere, but not enough to make him unable to hear the other man clearly, and certainly not enough to make him unable to tell how incredibly deep the man's voice was either. What Yuri couldn't make out was any sort of tone in the tall man's speech nor the smile directed at him as they shook hands.

The two of them chatted for a moment, discussing the circumstance and who they were interrogating. This led Yuri to discover that while Snake Eyes was the one who brought Halbert in, he hadn't known the man's name prior to Yuri debriefing him. While he was confused and almost put off by the lack of information that the mercenary had, he sort of admired the fact that he was so committed to protecting the country that he focused on apprehending villains dutifully without worrying about the details, trusting his superiors fully. This was not at all why the other man was so ill-informed. He just didn't care; he was shown a face and given a location, and the rest was history, though it went over much more peacefully than he was used to.

Yuri stepped into the interrogation room first, slipping on his black leather gloves as Snake Eyes followed behind him, ducking through the doorway.

"Mr. Halbert Johnson, a murderer. I'm appalled a disgusting wretch like you was in the same city as my lovely sister." Yuri began.

His love for his sister and his dedication to protecting her showed immediately. Halbert did not respond, being aware that what you don't say cannot be used against you. Yuri settled at the seat across the table from Halbert, though opting to stand, leaning his weight on the table with his arms as he tilted forward toward the suspect, while Snake Eyes stood to Yuri's left, at the end of the table, facing the two of them with his back against the wall and his arms crossed, he said nothing. The other SSS officer in the room was unnamed to the mercenary, but he sat at a separate table directly across from him and faced Snake Eyes, writing down everything that had happened. Yuri continued to intimidate the murder suspect in front of him, making sure he knew that lying and withholding information was not to be tolerated while also very frequently mentioning and praising his beloved sister.

"The body of Patricia Phillips was found at the job site of a construction company that you work for. Significant evidence points in your direction; admit to your crimes." Yuri glared at the angry man in front of him. Seemingly having enough of Yuri's chatter, Halbert stood quickly, raising a fist to punch the Second-Lieutenant and shouting at him.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR DUMBASS SISTER, I DIDN'T DO SHIT!!" He spat, figuratively and literally, as he put his full force into his fist.

Stepping in quickly, Snake Eyes lifted his arm, gripping Halbert by the face and slamming him down onto the floor where he lay on his back, the mercenary's hand still holding the sides of Halbert's head tightly and forcing him downward, the killer's legs squirming as his hands gripped at the much stronger man's arm desperately. Yuri stood up away from the table, shocked and in a cold sweat from almost being punched.

"𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚂𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍-𝙻𝚒𝚎𝚞𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝙱𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚛," Snake Eyes spoke up, his hand squeezing tighter for a moment. "𝙰𝚙𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚣𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚒𝚖, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚙𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚣𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚞𝚕𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛.." He finished, gripping Halbert from the collar of his shirt, lifting him off of his feet, and tossing him back into his chair. Halbert froze but was forced to speak when a kick hit the leg of the chair he sat in just as the man in combat gear settled back into his position at the end of the table.

"I.." Halbert choked on his words, fear evident on his face. "I'M SORRY!! I'M SURE YOUR SISTER IS LOVELY.. AND INTELLIGENT!! I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING!" He shook.

Yuri was shocked by the entire situation, and the initial act of violence made by Halbert scared him. He could not have reacted fast enough to block it himself, though it would not have injured him too badly. However, he was most baffled by Snake Eyes' actions, not only because he stepped in to protect Yuri but also because he made Halbert apologize for trying to hit him and for insulting his sister. He flushed a bit at that, feeling admiration toward the tall man and secretly loving the fact that he protected him. Yuri cleared his throat, shooing the redness on his cheeks away as much as he could.

"Did you kill Patricia Phi-" He was cut off.

"Yes!" Halbert admitted.

"𝚍𝚘 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚞𝚙𝚝 𝚑𝚒𝚖." Snake Eyes said as he checked the number of bullets in his pistol, effectively giving the criminal a new fear. That fear was him, of course.

"sorry.." Halbert said meekly.

As the short interaction between the man in combat gear and the murderer went down, the officer documenting the whole thing sat stiffly, in secondhand fear of Snake Eyes, while Yuri scolded himself for being attracted to how the man scolded the criminal like a child for interrupting him. No one had ever really defended him or taken care of him like that besides his sister.

"How many others have you killed," Yuri asked cooly, with fake composure, as he thought fondly of the mercenary in the room with him. Halbert hesitated but answered immediately when he heard Snake Eyes cock his gun, something that made every man in the room flinch.

"Thirteen! I-Including the woman!!" Halbert yelped. His attitude significantly changed from the cool and irritated front he had put on when they originally entered the room.

Yuri continued to ask the man questions, discovering the whereabouts of each victim's body, the people Halbert worked with, and the names of the people he had killed, ending the integration, not without Snake Eyes striking fear into everyone in the room a few more times, of course. Exiting the interrogation room, Yuri peeled his leather gloves off, sighing and relaxing his shoulders.

"Thank you for helping with the interrogation. It would have taken impossibly long without you. I doubt we would have gotten so much information out of him, too." Yuri praised the armored man beside him.

"𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔?" Snake Eyes said, leaning down to speak closer to his ears. He did not like to raise his voice much. He was confused at what the smaller man was talking about. Yuri was baffled, not understanding how the mercenary was unaware of all the help he provided.

"He wouldn't have talked if he wasn't so afraid of you. You destroyed his confidence." He smiled up at the other, placing a hand appreciatively on the man's bicep.

He almost flinched at the feeling of the other's muscled arm underneath his hand. Sure, his undershirt was skin-tight, and his T-shirt was relatively form-fitting as well, but even by touching his arm himself, Yuri knew that he could only imagine how shredded Snake Eyes was under all his gear. The mercenary hummed in response to what Yuri had said, probably still somewhat confused. He was about to speak up when the Second-Lieutenant spoke again.

"So, where does the codename Snake Eyes come from? If it's okay to ask.." He trailed off, suddenly fidgety and nervous. His face reddened as the pause in the conversation grew.

"𝙸 𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚕 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚕𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢 𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜.." The man admitted, feeling a little foolish for his reasoning. "𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚘 𝙸 𝚐𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔𝚜." he continued.

There was a short pause. Yuri was processing what had happened, surprised by how much he was willing to talk to him, given that he had been warned that the man was usually very quiet. He was snapped out of his jumbled thoughts when the taller laughed.

"𝙸 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚙𝚒𝚍. 𝙷𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊 𝚌𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝙸 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗." He finished. Yuri blushed heavily and sputtered for a moment before he could speak clearly.

"I-I think it makes sense to protect yourself and your family. Well, I'm a little confused about using it in the SSS, but you are a mercenary!" He fidgeted as he spoke, afraid of scaring the other away with the things he said.

"𝙸𝚝'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝. 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝙸𝚝'𝚜 𝚊 𝚌𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎... 𝙰𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚖𝚎, 𝚜𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊 𝚕𝚘���� 𝚘𝚏 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎..." He trailed off for a moment. "𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 (𝚈/𝙽) 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑." He gave his real name, for once seeming nervous himself.

Yuri was ecstatic that (Y/N) had decided that he trusted him enough to give his real name; he rolled the name through his head over and over, repeating it in his thoughts, even analyzing it, 'Where was it from? Certainly not Ostania.' he thought.

"Ah! You can call me Yuri; there's no need for the Second-Lieutenant stuff!!" he stuttered. An intense blush rushed to his face, spreading to his ears and the back of his neck. As he stumbled around with his words, (Y/N) undid the clip on his helmet and pushed it back a bit, leaning down and pressing his forehead against Yuri's.

"𝙰𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚒𝚌𝚔? 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚎𝚌𝚔 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚍." He said, removing one of his gloves, the velcro sending a crackling sound through the air as he pressed his bare hand against the back of Yuri's neck. Though some of the man's hair and skin were revealed at this moment, Yuri saw none of it. The blush spread down his shoulders and even appeared on his fingertips as his entire body went hot. He Passed out.

(2,623 words)

[yaut-jaknowit]

So I saw the post about Gawtin doing anything in her power to increase the readers lifespan. So I am thinking perhaps she is researching ways on how to do that when she stumbles upon something about their blood being able to increase a humans lifespan by quite a bit. So she goes and gets permission from the council (maybe a bit of arguing cause I don't think giving blood to a ooman is looked well upon) then ya giving blood to the reader

- 🥤

Forever At My Side

Pairing: Gawtin (Female Yautja) x GN!Reader

Word Count: 2118

Summary: With your time around Gawtin, she has come to dreadful thoughts you lifespan compared to hers. You will only live at most for a hundred years. That is far too short to experience your love and passion. Gawtin sets out to find what she can do to help. This gains unwanted attention.

Author Note: This made me do some worldbuilding and I love it! We get to see who is part of Gawtin's life and hear about a city on Yautja Prime as well. Of course, the city I've created isn't part of canon. I can't find much about Yautja Prime so I just get to worldbuild about it.

Masterlist

Ao3

There are special properties within Yautja blood. Many of them helpful to other species. Yautjas are seen as a superior species among the universe. The research of what their blood could do for others has been dove into. Not deep, but enough to know.

When Gawtin came to conclusion that she wants you till the end of either of your lifespans, she calls upon a favor.

Amongst the Yautja as a whole, the scientific side is reclusive. Not many will give up their life for science, believing the hunt is everything to them. Yet, despite this group being so small compared to the amount of Yautjas alive to this day, they’ve discovery plenty. This includes their main way of travel: their spacecrafts. Or their biomasks when a planet’s atmosphere doesn’t fit their own needs. Or even for a ooman living on a planet who’s air would suffocate you. All this done by those willing to sacrifice their livelihood to further the advancement of the Yautjas.

This is where Gawtin shots a message to a scientist in Kov; a major city on Yautja Prime. Someone who owes her favor. One she’s cashing in for you. Always for you. If there’s a chance to extend your life, she’s willing to do it. Anything to keep you with her longer.

In the beginning, Gawtin knew of the risks of taking on a ooman mate. Mainly their short lifespan. That was a concern. Of course, it was. But, she’s never seen a ooman like you before. So willing to put yourself between the scum who captured and hunted her while heavily pregnant. You even killed for her, protecting her from said scum. Though, she was forever in debt to you. She’s not doing this to repay such debt. She’s doing this for you to be at her side until her heart gives out.

Until Voth-ocheb gets back to her, Gawtin has wait as the patient hunter she is. The moss green Yautja has a feeling this won’t fail her. She feels it in her blood.

On one of the many days the two of you are relaxing, you find yourself in your mate’s lap. With your butt between her thighs, legs thrown over one thigh while your back rests against the other. It’s a seat you would die for. There was nowhere better to be.

One of the advancements you were extremely happy Yautjas have was the fact you could connect with earth’s internet. Even if you were hundreds upon hundreds of light years away. It was only one tap away. You find yourself tapping away on your tablet to fill the day. Today, you didn’t feel like drawing and wanted to snuggle up to your mate until sunset. Not that Gawtin minded. Not one bit.

In the middle of her reading, she turned her head towards the front door. Someone was coming. A little unusual. Yautjas are known to be mainly solidary. You knew you would be forced to get up so Gawtin could answer the door. In preparation, you shimmed off of her lap and next to her. Gawtin pressed a quick kiss to your forehead and began to make her way towards the door.

Halfway towards the entrance, Gawtin hesitated then cursed lowly under her breath in Yautja. Your burrows furrowed at the strange antic. Never have you ever seen the female act such a way. In all honesty, she almost looked… nervous.

Yet, that apprehensive expression was washed over by a neutral expression. Years of training falling into place.

On the couch, you peeked over and watched as Gawtin opened the door. Your eyes widened at the sight of a massive female standing a couple of inches taller than Gawtin in the entrance. What adorn her told you exactly who this is; only having met the Yautja once before when Gawtin had make her case to keep you.

Gawtin’s mother: Ma’tan-Aih. Ruler of this tribe. The War-ak’ox tribe. Baroness Ma’tan-Aih. It’s the closest title that could translate into English from Yautja.

An expression you were famialir with was etched into the moss green Yautja’s face as she looked down at her daughter. “Gawtin, may I enter?” Her voice was commanding in every sense, causing you to shutter. Her Yautja accent heavy and thick, nearly making it impossible to listen to her words. You jerked down to hide behind the back of the couch from her steely gaze. The last thing you wanted was for those purple eyes to be directed at you.

“Yes, Baroness Ma’tan-Aih,” Gawtin allowed and called her mother by the proper title. You tensed up, white knuckling the tablet at the knowledge Ma’tan-Aih was entering your safe space. Before either of them could come into the living you, you attempted to look busy on the tablet so the attention was off of you.

Their footsteps were light on the soft wooden floor. Both of them made their way into the living room. Right where you were. Gawtin returned to her seat next you and even scooped you into her lap. Your muscles refused to relax under the scrutinizing gaze of the baroness. This couldn’t be happening. Why did she even want to speak with Gawtin? The two of them rarely even say a word to each other. Now, her mother wants to have a sit down in Gawtin’s cottage.

Your hands trembled holding onto the device. Gawtin was quick to cup both of them in one of hers. It took all of her might not to purr. She despised the fact you were uncomfortable in your own home due to her mother’s sudden, unannounced appearance. Yet, this is her mother she was talking about. Unless she challenged for the baroness title, there was nothing Gawtin could do in this situation.

Despite your eyes glued to the screen, you felt the laser focus of the baroness’s gaze zoned in on you. Your chest rapidly moved with each intake of air. You attempted to focus again on the tablet, anything to get your mind off of her. That unfortunately failed.

Baroness Ma’tan-Aih sat down gracefully on a chair across from the two of you. Gawtin watched each twitch, each movement made by her mother closely. She knew this was farthest thing from a catchup. This was business.

“Daughter,” Baroness Ma’tan-Aiu started with, “It has come to my desk you are fiddling with something you shouldn’t be wasting your time on.” With her heavy accent, it was hard to know if you heard right. Your burrows furrowed while gazing up at your mate’s beautiful face. Questions whirled to life inside of your scattered mind.

“Dam, what I do in my free time is none of your concern,” Gawtin stated and laid down a firm boundary. Not that her dam had to listen to her at all. “I have my favors. I can use them to my liking.”

A single studded brow rose due to the borderline rude words of Gawtin. “Yet, you use them in a foolish way. Why waste such a favor on trivial matters? Things can be replaced for good riddance.”

Though, you didn’t know what the subject was about, you instantly felt the tension in the air grow increasingly taunt. You gnawed on your bottom lip and watched as one of Gawtin’s mandibles twitched.

“It can never be replaced,” she grounded out in a tone you felt yourself fear. “I will never replace such a thing.” Her hand clenched down on yours, causing the bones in your hands to creak under the sudden pressure. “My mate is here to stay. I have already completed the challenges you laid before me.” Wait, what? This has something to do with you?

The Yautja before you waved off Gawtin’s words with a flick of her wrist. “Yes, yes. I know,” she scoffed. “But to ask someone in Kov to research such a dangerous topic? Daughter, you are a fool. You must know to go through with this, you must go to the council of Cu'stouirll before you go to the monarch herself. Cu'stouirll is known not to be pleasant.”

Gawtin sat up a little higher in her seat. “I will do what is needed to follow through with this.”

It was all too much information at once. They were supposedly talking about you and either someone or something named Cu'stouirll. Which sounded to be a bad thing. You gazed up at Gawtin in hopes for an explanation but received none from the focus hunter.

Baroness Ma’tan-Aih bristled at her daughter words. “As much as I loved your sire’s stubbornness at times, this is not the time to flare it. You must know what this could mean… Especially for those who have also taken an ooman as their mates. This could be opening pandora’s box for the worse.”

It’s not hidden that many of the other Yautjas in this tribe dislike your presence. If it wasn’t for the fact you saved Gawtin and Qui’oky from death, your case would’ve collapsed before your very eyes. The baroness does not want other ooman mate’s to have the same opportunity to whatever Gawtin is planning. You knew whatever Gawtin was fighting for was for the good of you.

Yet, Gawtin didn’t change her stance on the subject and kept the same gaze upon her mother. “Then, let that happen. I will do whatever it takes to keep my mate at my side for as long as possible.” Even with that, you couldn’t piece together what was still happening.

On the other side, the green Yautja sat up from her seat to tower over the two of you. In that moment, you didn’t feel scared or intimidated by the baroness. Not with your mate at your side, prepared to do anything to keep you safe and out of harms way.

“Lady Gawtin, when this falls upon my court, you will have to ensure your case is concrete. I can already tell you, I will not accept this. Letting an ooman be injected with our blood?! It’s an abomination!” Baroness Ma’tan-Aih snapped then spun on her heel and marched out of your cottage.

Your lungs seized with a sharp gasp. Your eyes snapped up to Gawtin with uncertainty swirling inside of them. “Gawtin? What does she mean?” you asked immediately after her mother’s departure.

Her dark purple eyes watched the closed door for a few more seconds before she gazed down at you. One of her hands cupped your cheeks and gingerly ran a coarse thumbpad over your cheekbone. “I had wished not burden you with this theory until I have received the results,” she whispered, this time in English.

“What do you mean, love? I’m completely confused,” you begged for answers and hoped she could soothe your worries.

A sigh escaped the female Yautja. “Ooman’s do not like as long as Yautjas. It is a known fact. A fact that I have come to terms with. But, you, my mate, are everything to me. If I can do something, anything in my power to ensure you stay with me longer, I will go to the ends of Yautja Prime to make sure that happens. Even if I have to fight my mother for this, I will. She nor anyone else will not stop me from reaching my goal.” You smiled softly up at her, eyes closing to nuzzle into her hand.

“Oh love, that’s so sweet of you.” You reached up and cupped the back of her massive hand against your cheek. You carded your fingers through her own. “You don’t know how much I appreciate all that you do for me.” When you reopened your eyes, you glanced down at the couch cushions. “Your mother wasn’t very happy about that though.” A statement but made to be open as a question.

Gawtin shook her head, tresses swaying with the movement. “No, she’s never happy. I could care less about her opinion. Yours is the only one that matters. If wish for me to stop, I will. But if you are wanting to continue, I will let this go on. The choice is yours,” she offered wholeheartedly. Every step you’ve made in her world has been at the hands of you. You are in charge. As always.

You opened your eyes to look directly into hers. “If it means I get to stay with you longer, then the answer is yes. Anything to be with you longer is an easy choice.”

The Yautja burst out purring and leaned down, practically breaking her back to rub her head against yours. Vibrations raced along your skin. You giggled and nuzzled with her. A life by Gawtin’s side is a life you would never trade for.

[multifandomslxt]

Nct 127 Members and Cheating Partners

I enjoy doing these... I think I'm helping us keep our delulu meters at an acceptable state hehe.

WARNING: cheating. degradation (not the good type we like)

Johnny

don't even bother

just pack your shit and leave

says some shit that will stick with you for life

"you're fucking disgusting and a waste of time"

he hates you now

I'm so serious

idk why but I see him hating cheaters of any sort

fuck you and that bitch

bye

Taeyong

oml

this man is a cancer

do not play with a cancer's feelings

I am so serious

he'll cry for sure

in a moment of weakness will ask if you still want him

but ultimately leaves you

"Why would you do this to me?"

and then starts plotting your demise a week later

I've said before that he's a manipulative lil shit

this man will turn your best friend against you I swear

Yuta

Lmaooo

I'm sorry this is hilarious

cheating on a scorpio?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

kiss your self-esteem goodbye

Hate isn't even a good enough word to describe his feelings for you rn

cheat on him and he quite literally wishes you the worst

lmaoooo

becomes your bully

Doyoung

oh love

sweetie pie

my sugar muffin

he clocked that shit a long time ago

He's very attentive to his partner

so he sees the change immediately

yk those movie scenes where the couple is going about their regular routine and one of the asks "who's __?"

yep

quite literally stuns you

"did you not hear me?"

get out of his house

now

Jaehyun

HAHAHAHAHA

He'll cheat back

plain and simple

he won't tell you of course

just like you didn't tell him

found out by mistake

so honestly y'all just keep cheating on each other

lmaoo

he believes in getting his lick back trust.

His aim here is to ensure you are more hurt than he is if all this comes to light.

Jungwoo

I feel bad

but I think he's worse than Taeil

he doesn't acknowledge it at all

like some type of delusional man

istg

if he does acknowledge it he says

"it's just a small bump that's all"

like...at some point you gotta tell him what you did was wong

literally refuses to make you the bad guy

it's sad

Mark

Oh God.

He SPIRALSSSS

istg

stuck between leaving you and giving you a second chance

insecurity central

reanalyzes every single past interaction you've had with men who you said were "just a friend"

I don't think y'all understand

when I say spiraI mean he SPIRALSS

he'll never be the same with or without you

Haechan

My best advice to you is to get out of his face.

the minute you do it

move out, block him on all socials, delete his number

just get away from him

he will treat you like the scum of the earth

oml

"your pussy is for everybody"

and he means it babe

does not hide his disgust when he sees you

YUTA 2.0

[girlactionfigure]

THE HOLOCAUST WAS IN COLOUR

I woke up today in Jerusalem to the sound of a siren marking Yom HaShoah - Holocaust Memorial Day. The fucking Holocaust. This thing that's there. This thing that every Jewish kid has to learn about far too young. There’s no good age to learn about it. It takes away an innocence whatever age you learn.

It's a lesson of: actually - the worst shit can happen.

Actually - the worst shit did happen.

Actually the worst shit could happen again.

There is no objective proof of God - but Auschwitz did happen. It’s difficult to remain idealistic about human beings after that. If tales of individual acts of heroism that emerged from the Holocaust are supposed to give us solace and an after-taste of hope, the bigger question is what is it that makes these tales such anomalies?? What is it that prevented every person from being a hero? And why did it happen in the first place?

Visiting Auschwitz ruined part of me. It really did. Even before visiting, all that bullshit ruined part of me. I remember seeing images on TV as a kid and that ain't healthy. To see ghouls hanging on barbed wire. Piles of skeleton and flesh. I don't see how it can't ruin anyone if that's you and your kind they were gunning for. The idea that people murdered you because you were born you. The idea that your fellow countrymen turned round and said: actually you're not one of us. Or turned a blind eye, buttoned up their lips, gazed down in silence and left you to deal with it on your own. It's not like this puts joy in your heart. It puts something in your heart that I can't explain. It puts in your heart the sensation that some people don't want your heart to beat. And that's a confusing feeling for any heart: a nexus of emotions. A paralytic, existential moment. The loneliest heart, scarred by barbed wire and frost.

The fact that I can only trace my family tree back a few generations has always gnawed at me. I can only go back so far and then there's nothing. Just a black hole. Part of my connection with planet earth has been blotted out for good. I've been disinherited of my roots - from knowing the specifics of who I am and where I come from.

A few years back I visited Auschwitz - this massive shithole in Poland. And it's not like this death factory could have been a secret. There's no way. People knew. It's huge. It just goes on and on. And there's something weird about it. And you can't quite figure it out. And then you realise - it's all in colour. It's not in black and white. The images we're used to seeing of Auschwitz are black and white. And as horrific as those images are they provide a safe, historical distance. It appears a bygone world far removed from us. But it's here in colour and it's the same world we inhabit. The same air, the same trees, the same rain falling. And the human beings would have been in colour too, with red blood cells and capillaries and hearts beating like ours. They weren’t creatures from yester-year, they were modern human beings with the same body parts and feelings. And they were murdered by modern human beings who also had the same body parts and who probably loved their children and kissed their partners goodnight.

There's more I could write. I could write about mountains of shoes. I could write about piles of hair. I could write about buttons and cutlery and possessions that emerge from the mud in the rain. I remember having a stupid back and forth in my mind over some buttons I found which I put back into the mud. I had this stupid thought that maybe I should have "liberated" the buttons rather than leave them in that shithole - but then thinking that would be stealing? But would it be stealing if they'd been stolen by scum and were now being "taken back" in a spirit of love and solidarity by someone on their side? “Liberating buttons.” Stupid stuff. Ridiculous thoughts that you can somehow do something correct to rectify what happened here and bring some kind of harmony. In the end I left them. The buttons were stolen and they don't belong to Auschwitz - but they belong to the memory of what happened there - so they can at least continue to speak from the mud to anyone who sees them.

If I'm honest, part of me wishes I hadn't visited the place. I came away angry and it killed any absolute faith I have in human beings. As I say, individual tales of heroism and defiance aren’t enough to justify true optimism. They're a plaster to cover up the deeper sickness of who and what we are as a species. There's something worrying about human beings and our capacity for cruelty. A species whose children pick the wings off flies, combined with a propensity to herd mentality, is dangerous. It should trouble all of us. I don't know how we overcome it, keep it restrained, or collectively channel it toward a universally agreed direction that’s aimed at goodness.

If I have one reflection on whatever nonsense it is I'm writing it's this: I think there's a violence in human beings. There is violence in the human soul. There is violence and there is cruelty. But more than that there is fear. Despite our songs and poems, I'm not sure love is the most powerful force on earth. There’s a strong argument to suggest fear is the primary driving force behind the actions of the animal we call a human being. It's fear of freezing to death that causes us to build shelters. It's fear of going hungry that causes us to stock food. It's fear of being ostracised that causes us to ostracise others. It's fear of ridicule that breeds conformity. It's fear that causes people to keep their heads down. And when the moment of danger comes? When the tyrants enter? When the bullies arrive? It's fear that causes people to not speak up. To turn a blind eye. To let someone else take the bullet. People can bombastically jump on the bandwagon and say "never again" but it’s tough to find your voice when face to face with a bully. People can say never again but it’s tough to square up if someone has raised their fist and shown they will use it. It’s tough to be brave when the moment comes and there's so many thoughts going through your mind and your brain and adrenalin decides it's best to shut down and stay quiet for the sake of self-preservation. It’s tough to do good things in this world because the bad things are loud and scary and intimidating. It’s tough for people to rise above fear. There’s a reason why heroes are called lone heroes. They’re uncommon.

That's why it's good to be writing this from Israel where Jews are once again in their ancestral home, the place they forged an indigenous civilisation many thousands of years ago before the Babylonians and Romans forced them into exile. A place where they can ensure that "Never Again" is not left in the hands of a species that pulls the wings off flies. Google the Evian Conference - visit Auschwitz yourself - survival is not a game to be left in the hands of others or based on the strength of promises. Because there's always a chance that when the chips are against you and you call out to friends or others for help, you could be left hanging around wondering when they'll arrive?

And the answer might be:

Never. Again.

So. Anyway. It's 5pm. I need a piss. Then I'll probably eat some bread. A siren went off this morning. Just one final thought before I have a wee. I say that any absolute faith I have in human beings is lost. And that's true. Yet every day I experience such joy at existing. I love walking about, talking to people and connecting with souls cut from the same cloth. I like nature and I like looking at things and if I didn't love science so much I'd probably be a new age nut hugging trees and trying to kiss ants. Being alive is the most beautiful thing I've experienced to date.

And as embarrassed as I am to say it would you look at me trying to finish on a positive note?

Maybe there is something stronger than fear?

The persistant impulse to seek blessings in a world full of curses. The sheer chutzpah of life. The defiance. Not to vanquish the darkness, but to live in spite of the darkness. I can handle a world where Auschwitz took place if I also get to live in a world where there are people I love. I can handle a world where there’s horror if I also get to laugh now and then. And the fact that love, laughter and happiness can blossom in a world where the worst can happen - and has - must count for something. Deep down the impulse to go in search of life’s blessings is within all of us. It’s part of who we are. It’s why we get up each morning. We have to have faith that all will be well even when logic, history and common sense says otherwise. Actually it’s not even a question of faith. We have no choice. I think hope is hardwired into all of us. Deeper than fear. We are a creature that hopes. And sometimes, with the right wind behind us, at the right tide, we make those hopes come true. Sometimes, if you will it, it is no dream.

Lee Kern

This was written in Jerusalem in 2015 on Yom HaShoah - Holocaust Memorial Day

[babbling-idiot]

An offer you can't refuse

******

Venus Van Dam x Reader

Warning: Suggestive content. No actual smut.

(I can't believe I've been neglecting Venus for so long. I have some fic ideas in store for her, but I would absolutely appreciate some requests for her down the line, don't be a stranger! Hope you enjoy!!)

******

How could it be that you, a hotel manager would fall in love with one of the more well known "prostitutes". Well after seeing her countless times at the same hotel you just formed a "small" crush on the woman. Even though she usually had clients at your hotel, she would sometimes stop by the office and say hello. Thanking you for not charging her for the room and charging her clients instead. Of course the only reason you did this was that you had a crush on her but she didn't need to know that. You usually never asked her what her clients were like. Especially since you imagined most of them were the scum of the earth and not the kind of people you would like to be around.

Tonight was no different. Out in the front was an employee who was taking care of the rare customer every now and then, while you got caught up with paperwork. You were working a late shift when Venus walked into your office. She usually only stayed for a second to say hello and to make sure you would take care of the bill arrangement for her. Except this time when she stopped by she walked in further than usual, shut the door behind her and sat down in the chair across the desk in front of you. You were facing the computer when she walked in. So you saved the draft of an email you were conjuring up for the weekly report for your boss, who barley even showed his face at the establishment. You turned to her and clasped your hands in front of you before smiling her way.

"Well, Miss Venus, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

She smiles and shrugs.

"Oh. Just wanted to come by, spend time with my favorite hotel manager."

You tilt your head.

"You have other favorites huh? I'm hurt."

She shakes her head at you and finally places her head on her hand.

"Fun night?"

She rolls her head for a moment before putting it back on her hand.

"Oh darling, It has been chaos."

You can imagine how crazy it's been.

"I bet."

She takes a deep breath before looking around the office.

"I have a weird question for you."

She tilts her head in question. Not looking back you just yet.

"Well, why is it that I never see you with someone. Like you going on dates or just with someone thats not a client?"

She smiles and chuckles, tilting her head back. She thinks for a moment. She could lie to you and see if you see through it. She's never done that to you before, but she feels you would catch on.

"Well, Y/n. Most people who contact me are looking for a good time with what some people would call a "freak"."

She says as she smiles. You shake your head.

"Don't refer to yourself as a freak. I don't ever want to hear you say that again about my friend."

She laughs at that.

"It's also because I do have a bit of a reputation in this town that kind of wards off any kind of potential relationships. If you haven't noticed."

You shake your head.

"There are people who don't care about that sort of thing Venus. You may do what you do for work, but there are people who do not see you in that light."

She laughs again at your words.

"Who? I would love to meet these people."

Smiling you shrug.

"Well, I know for a fact that I, myself, do not see you in that light. I think you are a wonderful woman, and I personally love being around you. If that means anything."

She leans forward a bit. The top of her blouse falling open a bit showing off her breasts. It was taking all of your will power to ignore her position and to keep your eyes trained on her eyes. She looks at you, smiling wide and shakes her head.

"You just stay here all night. You have no where else to be or anyone to go home to?"

She says, completely putting the attention on you. Shrugging your shoulders, you grip at the arm rest on your swivel chair. Testing them for some unknown reason.

"I have nothing better to do. I don't have anyone to go home to and plus, I've been told I work to much and don't have the attention span to be in a committed relationship. So I've been told by all the people I've tried to have a relationship with. Since we are on the topic."

She winces at your words and shakes her head. She stands. You think she's about to leave and head home for the night, bidding you a farewell. Instead, she walks around the desk and helps swivel your chair till she has you facing her. Leaning down, she comes face to face with you and places a soft hand on your cheek. She strokes your cheek for a moment before she leans in closer. You feel her breath on your lips as she draws closer.. Oh god please let this be real. Then, without much hesitation, she finally connects her lips to yours. You kiss back immediately. Her lips feel so damn good. So soft and it's like she's handling you with care. You feel your stomach flip when she nips your bottom lip. She pulls away too quickly, and you almost whine at the loss. She smiles at your shocked expression. She retracts her hand from your face. You immediately miss the warmth of her hand. She looks deep into your eyes when she brushes your bangs off of your forehead.

"My last client didn't show up. Why don't you come with me to a room?"

How on earth were you suppose to decline her offer? Well that's the thing isn't it. You just can't refuse an offer like that.

[bunnakit]

my stand in ep 4 thoughts, feelings, etc

WOW WA WE WAA THAT SURE WAS AN EPISODE HUH - happy to report i went back through the episode slowly this week and took notes and really tried to gather everything i wanted to say (but i will inevitably forget something)

🌸 ok disclaimers because i have a lot of them for this particular episode 🌸

i'm just a silly guy on the internet, i'm not an expert in mental health, psychology, body language, whatever. most days i can't even take care of myself. i'm just saying things recreationally.

PLEASE do not put novel spoilers in my replies, reblogs, or tags without a warning notice. i've got an itchy blocking finger for it these days.

i am treating ming and joe and everyone involved in this show as if they were real life human beings. ming was not born some mustache twirling villain sent from hell to make joe miserable. joe is not some pure angel descended from the clouds to do no wrong. everyone in this show exhibits very human behavior and that can be distressing under certain circumstances. i'm just going to comment on them as humans. i'm not interested in a round table discussion on why a character is irredeemable, the scum of the earth, etc. i'm just putting my thoughts out there and you can take them or leave them.

🌸 alright yucky disclaimer time over 🌸

the episode really just picks us back up where everything left off - and yet joe still made ming breakfast, and ming isn't stupid (well right now at least,) he knows something is off.

i am confused why tong needs to get married on this specific day. and like bro how fast are you getting married? relax. the whole thing is just unstoppable force (trajectory of this producers career) meets immovable object (tong's fuckass stubbornness) and the collateral damage is massive.

and then there's the question of did joe ever want to play a lead? or did he let his impulsiveness and hurt put a target on his back? (only emphasized by the fact that everyone assumed joe would turn down the role)

i DO apologize for all my doubt surrounding wut. he, ja, and may are the only people in this show with any god damn sense. maybe jojo and yim. we'll see.

getting into the confrontation at joe's work, i really don't think it's that surprising when we keep in mind ming genuinely has no fucking clue what is going on. all he knows is joe woke up, was acting weird, didn't come home, and then told him to pack up his shit and leave with ZERO explanation. like, joe's completely in the right, but i'd also be confused as fuck. (i wouldn't go to someone's work about it but, y'know, we know ming acts in extremes.)

and to me this is where it really became obvious that joe has always been able to overpower ming, to get away from him, as we have seen joe's physical prowess, we've seen what he's capable of, but he never uses his body to move ming away from him - that's not who joe is, he's not someone that would put his hands on another person like that. it's just another way ming and joe are the direct antithesis of each other.

it's my thought that the argument escalates because ming is used to getting everything he wants - except for tong, and now joe. when joe begins to push him away and deny him his substitution for tong i think ming lashes out in his hurt with a thought of "it's happening again, why doesn't anyone want me?"

i will say while i do believe sol has good intentions for the most part his white knighting is getting a little irksome. while convenient, it just shows how much he's still hovering and laying in wait for a chance with joe - he, too, is not respecting joe's wishes. no is a complete sentence, sol.

and then things continue back at home and joe finally, finally throws ming's words back at him: if i'm so terrible to be with, if you're so great, why are you wasting your time with me?

and ming doesn't have an answer. what ming DOES have is another back embrace, arms wrapped around joe as he asks "don't you love me anymore?" but is he asking joe or tong?

"although i'm not as good as tong" even now joe's rampant self worth issues are still at play but at least he finally knows he's worth more than whatever this is.

then the phone rings and to me, ming looks skittish. he looks shaken. he's never seen joe so angry and he's scared and as the call progresses that fear morphs into rage when sol calls joe. and the thing is, regardless of who played the main role, ming was never going to be happy. it was either going to be joe or tong playing opposite sol and neither of those things would have been acceptable.

and then i said, out loud, in my quiet office: OH! and promptly lost my shit in the group chat.

ming doesn't look wholly present after his act of violence. his face is vacant, like he isn't completely seeing or grasping what he's just done. i get the impression that ming isn't mentally well; stress and fear and anger have a way of making people do really fucking stupid things and as these things happen you risk falling into the sunk cost fallacy - you've already gone this far, you can't stop now - which all aligns with the obsessive behavior we've seen from ming in the past.

as joe wakes up and they talk once again joe doesn't blame ming, he blames himself for not seeing the writing on the walls even though it was written in invisible ink.

"all these times we were together did you ever love me?"

"you can't tell?"

again, so much of the blame and emotional responsibility of their situationship is put on joe and ming refuses to communicate any of his feelings, perhaps because he doesn't know how to after repressing everything for so long.

WE DIDN'T GET HOT KINKY CHAINED UP SEX THOUGH, WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SPECIFICALLY

but the way joe looks at ming as they linger there in the wake of joe's request looks like a goodbye, the way his eyes soak in every detail of ming's face. despite all of this and the nightmare it has turned into he did love ming, perhaps still does, and he does have some of those good memories he was so desperate to keep.

though like.. joe.... maybe we could consider a different career path??? instead of just jumping to risking our lives? like sure food service sucks, cashiering sucks, etc. but you aren't in danger of falling off any cliffs, you know? and let's be real, he could just go into modeling with those looks.

it's my impression that when ming calls joe he looks haggard, like he's lost numerous nights of sleep (and we really don't know how much time has passed) but either way it does seem like he's at least done some amount of reflecting. his voice comes across soft, subdued, and sincere.

and after everything, back in the present, we see ming. he's still in the apartment, desperately calling joe's name all these years later, still unable to sleep and waiting for joe to come home just like he asked him to years ago.

maybe ming never wanted to enter the entertainment industry before, but he has now. perhaps it was never for the attention or the money, maybe he chose to promote those watches because it was a reminder of the gift from joe. and maybe this job, in this specific industry, is the closest he can feel to joe now. and maybe with new influence and connections ming can find out why he was never able to tell joe he loved him before he lost him.

WHO KNOWS, NOT ME, CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT THO

[aiyexayen]

aita meme shen yuan

AITA for not telling my new siblings that I'm not their real brother?

Look. Let's get something straight. I didn't ask for this.

I (???M) was living my previous life, in my prime, on my own, just minding my own business, and out of nowhere I get zapped into this fucking fantasy world. I wake up in a body that isn't mine, surrounded by strangers I've never met, with a computer voice in my head telling me how to act or else it will KILL me (again, I guess). Not hyperbole.

I figured it out, though. Who I am now, what I'm supposed to do to appease that damn computer system. Some of the characters--people, were pretty suspicious at first, and I had too many close calls for comfort, but it turns out I'm really good at posing, probably because the guy I'm posing as was the biggest poser around to begin with. Hah!

Now I'm practically immortal (not that I'm complaining about that) and I've got a mountain full of students to teach (that part's fine, too, I guess; they're good kids) and eleven other sibling-teachers bound together by sacred vows on adjacent mountain peaks at their own schools. Eleven. And none of them know that their real brother is dead.

It's not like I killed him myself! I don't know what happened to him at all! I just got stuck into his body! And he's the one who should feel bad, anyway--he was basically a villain! Scum of the earth! I had so much work to clean up after him and all the shitty things he did in his life just to make this place livable!! Fuck!!!

I'm a way better teacher than him and I'm not even qualified! I don't even like kids, either. I'm just not a complete monster. Nobody could be as bad as him.

Besides, he was a jerk to all of his siblings. None of them even liked him! Well, except for my oldest brother. I mean his oldest brother. He's way too nice and forgiving. WAY too nice. As in, I think he'd even forgive me for replacing his darling little brother and not telling him, if I confessed. Which I don't want to do! Why would I? I have everything I could want here to just quietly live and enjoy my life. Doting students and good food and cool abilities that came with the body. All the books I could read, all the music I could play. I get along so well with these brothers and sisters. And I'm so much better to them, too--like anyone would be. It's not like they'd want the scum brother back even if they knew I was an impostor this whole time. Probably.

There's no reason for me to feel guilty for not telling any of them! It's unscientific! I'm absolutely not the asshole here!

Right?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I confronted my BF about not ordering from my store?

My bf (nb they) and I (m he) have been together 3 years, and have lived together half of that. I moved across states to be with them, and I am very happy being here with them.

Since moving here, I've worked at a fast food restaurant about a mile away from our house. It used to be one of my boyfriend's favorite places to eat, and they still order there sometimes. However, recently, the past year or so, they've been ordering from the location about three miles further away.

They DO still sometimes order from my location, but it is very rare. Usually when they have to pick me up from work. But outside of that, they order exclusively from locations that are further away and even more inconvenient to get to.

I think there's one main reason for this. Before I moved and began working here, they had a bad experience at my location, and this bad experience led to them (drunkenly, stupidly) leaving a couple of bad reviews. (Which was stupid of them.)

About six months into me working here, I sprained my knee, and my boyfriend met my boss and I at the urgent care. Turns out, my boss remembers those bad reviews, and she called them out on it! I think she's a total bitch, mostly for reasons unrelated to this, but her animosity towards my boyfriend explained a lot of her animosity towards me in the following months.

Anyway, my boyfriend was thoroughly embarrassed. I can't really say I blame them. But I was embarrassed too! Almost every time my boss acted like I was scum of the earth (when it couldn't be explained away by my own mistakes, which was often, because I'm actually really good at my job!) I found myself wondering if it was because of my boyfriend.

But I had to move past it, because this is my JOB. and I LOVE this job. I love the work I do, no matter what people think of it. I love everyone I work with, aside from my boss. I love learning new skills. I love the thrill of the lunch rush, and the thrill of working on a giant catering order and thinking "There's no way I'll ever finish this" until, all of a sudden, it's finished. I did office work before this, and this is so much more satisfying to me.

Anyway. All that to say, I moved past it. But my boyfriend, however, is still stuck in that stupid stage of embarrassment. No one who worked there while they made a fool of themself is still working there. No one knows or notices or cares, except for them. And I've told them this. And I'd really PREFER for them to order from my store, because it makes me feel valued and important to someone close to me. (Plus, any tip they leave is money directly back into our finances, which is good, IMO.)

I want to talk to them about it, but I know they'll just say how the embarrassment is too much for them. (Also, somewhat related, they've been trying to get me to apply for a new job further away, which is a pain because I can't drive and walking just a mile from the shop is too much for me, because I'm out of shape.)

I think they really don't want me to be here, but I WANT to be here. I think they don't like the work I do, but I LIKE the work I do. I would really appreciate it if they supported me by, at the very least, ordering from my store.

Would I be the asshole if I confronted them about this?

(Last couple details: my boyfriend always orders the club sub, which comes with bacon. They say our bacon is mid. I think they're full of shit, I've eaten so much of our bacon and think it is literally the best. I don't really see how another store could have better bacon. Also, when I first made sandwiches for them, I tended to show my favor by giving them extra meat and stuff. They said it messed with the "ratio" so I stopped doing that. Could that be why they don't order from me anymore? I don't see how that could be, since I took their feedback to heart and stopped doing it. Idk.)

What are these acronyms?

[blacclotusss]

I Could Not Prevent It

Claudia

Ah...the death of the vampiress Claudia...the day I have been dreading since...season one if I'm being quite honest with you. Before all of the murder plotting in episodes six and seven, before things went downhill halfway through episode 4, and before she even appeared on screen for the first time. My Claudia...my babygirl. When I learned about this show, I looked up all the characters and what happens to them, and it made me nervous that she was a child and would die in such a painful way. But, when I saw that she was aged up and would be Black, as her Daddy Lou would be as well, I was immediately protective of her and wanted nothing but the best. There was this delusional thought I had that maybe they would change the course of her fate and she'd be able to live as she deserves, but at every corner she turned, there was something else lurking and waiting to capture her; from her being turned, to Charlie, to Lestat and his nonsense, to Bruce, and all the way up to Armand and the Coven. Even before she was brought into Louis and Lestat's lives, the life she lived was one no person, let alone child, should ever have to go through. And then, she comes into this situation where the both of these men are turning her against her will for their own selfish reasons. I've always felt that way: Louis wanted something to fix after blaming himself for the riots and Lestat didn't want to lose Louis. Period. But, Claudia made the best out of her situation and was brilliant and defiant, doing her own thing despite what many told her she should do or act like. All the way up until her last moments in the flesh on Earth, she never backed down. And I absolutely love her for that, always will love her. She is such an amazingly written character in this show and I hope to see Delainey in so much more after this! 

The Trial

If this makes me seem biased, so be it, but none of what happened during that trial that came out of Lestat's mouth moved me. He knew exactly what he came there to do, but wants to get caught up in the moment and emotions when retelling the story. Goodbye! And for him to sit there a try to reveal "the truth" about what happened also did nothing for me. Lestat still had a part in everything that happened, EVERYTHING. That changes nothing! The retelling of the story was shit and so was that so-called apology because how can you apologize to him and not her? You put that girl through so much, verbally and physically abusing her. Asked if she would be a lap dog, let your mistress call her a dog, put your hands on her more than once, and threw her assault up in her face when she was trying to escape. Where is her apology? And had the audacity to look like that as she died. Save the tears and as Louis said "Fuck you!" Y'all can let that move you and have you kissing his feet if you want, but it changes nothing. He's still a piece of scum watched her die as she looked to him for help (Delainey's words) with tears like you didn't come here to watch her die. 

And this whole trial had such a racist undertone to it, from the descriptions to the depictions on screen. It just gave me "Hey look at the Black people provoking this white man to make him do these things." Literally everything, down to the cutting of the Achilles tendons, the way they treated Madeleine versus Louis and Claudia, etc. Just a tragedy all around. 

The final goodbye between Louis and Claudia...my God. It's the way that they didn't have a great greeting (that turning moment was not pretty, either version) and they only had a small moment of happiness between them before they were pulled apart. I already knew Louis was lying when he said in the previous episode that he did not feel anything when she left, but seeing them grab for each other (as well as his demeanor when speaking about her in Dubai) told me they loved each other; they've always loved each other. Yes, they butt heads, but you could always feel the love between them and I hate that they didn't get a proper departure. Lastly, my favorite moments in this episode were between Claudia and Madeleine. Madeleine being so out of it, to the point of not even understanding what was going on until the end, and still choosing to be with Claudia. Oh the waterworks! I'm so glad Claudia had someone that was all in with and for her before her demise. She, and the audience at home, was finally able to see and know what a Gothic romance is. This is immortal and eternal love between those that care and understand one another. I absolutely bawled when the both of them met the Sun and I don't think we'll ever see something so pure like that in this genre. I'll miss them both. And Louis...blow that theatre to pieces! 

Armand

Now you sir...what the hell are we going to do with you? I just...the man barely said anything this episode and he still managed to get under my skin. How strong are these vampires that you, the oldest one in the bunch and most powerful, cannot move nor prevent this from happening? Or did he really want her gone like I suspected he did last week? My money is definitely on the latter because he would have Louis all to himself and that seems like the goal with these men Louis cuddles up to. And he said Sam was guarding the gate, and no offense to Sam, but I'm sure Armand would be able to take him. But, what really got me was Sam was also seen helping put Louis in the coffin down stairs so what's the truth Armand? I guess we'll have to wait until next week. But, I did want to circle back to the racism, but in the fandom and not the show because I'm noticing the same pattern between everyone's reactions to the show. Y'all are on Armand's neck (warranted) for his role in this whole thing, but let the white man waltz on stage and let those tears fall and y'all are falling for it. I saw a video from a creator today, along with other tweets, calling Louis a master manipulator and how they'd known how evil he had been all this time. What? There's no way we're all watching the same show, not when you've come to that conclusion. There is zero consideration for Louis' feelings and thoughts at all. Y'all let your attraction to white cock cloud your judgement every time and it's sick to see. I hope you have no friends or family that have gone through anything like that because I'd steer very clear from you all.  

Season One Revisits

As I expected before the trailers dropped, there were two season one revisits in this episode. However, I don't feel as strongly about them as I thought I would and maybe it's because I overly analyzed those scenes before this. To me, the Claudia turning scene showed Louis' desperation for something to make him feel better after blaming himself for the riots. Him begging and pleading on his knees simply fueled just how broken he was. The most chilling part, however, was him dragging her like a child running around the house with a doll in tow. It's as if Claudia was his property, and you can even see that with him wanting her turned in the first place. With the episode five revisit, it didn't  change anything for me at all. I took it as Louis simply defending his child as was shown in season one and Lestat losing his temper and going overboard. He still had the upper hand and he knew it, he admitted it himself. It just feels like they brought it back up for no reason...why are we having Louis retell this again? He's already said what it was and how he felt. There was no reason for him to relive these memories once again in such a short span of time. I get it was for the plot, but at what cost? How many times do we need to hear the abused recount their abuse? 

[sevicia]

My mom's started to notice how obedient I am to my sister and it's humiliating. "Why do you let her speak to you like that? You always listen to her instead of me" it's obvious now because that day they thought I was dying I only moved once my sister yelled at me, and I barely remember any of it.

It's humiliating because it's a reflex. It's not like I don't have my own will, it's not like it's weak, it's just that I can't go against her without feeling like I'll be punished for throwing a tantrum. That feeling overrides everything else.

I have no idea what I'd do if my mom ever asked me directly about it, because I know she'd blame her. I guess it started because of her, but that means they'd start fighting like crazy again and my sister would start feeling like our parents don't care about her again. Maybe telling my mom would help me feel better somehow, maybe it'd help start fixing things even though it seems impossible, but the possibility of both her and our dad turning against my sister is more than enough for me to avoid talking about it as much as possible.

There's also the fact that everyone's just gonna call me a coward and a pushover for never being able to stand up to her. I guess that's true, but it's still awful to think about being seen for what I am in such an explicit way.

Frustrating because I know for a fact it's my fault I still feel like this today. I mean, I'm better than I was 1 or 2 years ago, back then I agreed with everything she said and hid anything I thought might make her dislike me because I felt like the scum of the earth every time she got annoyed or called me stupid. I couldn't help bawling my eyes out, which I've never been able to do properly since we've always shared a room, I'm always quiet. I really wish I could just cry like a kid even just once, but I don't think I'll ever be able to.

It's my fault that I'm still like this because changing is on me. It's something no one else can ever do for me, but I'm so deep in it I know I'll die like this. I know other people have had way worse relationships with their siblings when they were kids, and they're nowhere near this level of messed up about it. I don't think "I didn't have it THAT bad" is a valid excuse, but I do think I should've gotten over it already. I just never noticed how sensitive I was because I've always had to be so quiet.

I hate that I'm like this because of something I should've gotten over by now. I hate that I can't tell anyone, but most of all I hate that I can't say it to her face because I love her so much. She's cried while telling me about how sorry she is and how guilty she feels for messing up my childhood like that, so I tell her it's okay. I don't feel okay about it, but I can't ever blame her for any of it since we were both kids. She doesn't know just how much it's affected me, whatever effect she thinks she had on me is not nearly comparable to how I've felt my whole life.

I tell her it's fine. What else am I gonna tell her? I've seen her cry out of guilt. I couldn't live with myself if I ever made her cry like that again. I resent her so much, I can't help it. It's so ugly. I have these moments where I wish she'd just die, that she'd just disappear from my life and my head one day, then I'd be free to act on my own, but thinking that way just makes me hate myself even more. It's just so disgusting, I can't stand it.

I'm going to die feeling like this. It will never leave me. I can't let it go, I don't know what'd happen if I tried. I don't want her to ever worry about anything. The way people treat her sometimes makes me sick. The way she talks to me most of the time makes me wanna vomit.

She loves me, I don't doubt this for a second. If she ever found out I feel like this, she'd call me an idiot for not telling her sooner. I can't stand the thought of that. I hate it when people do that, I don't understand it and I doubt I ever will. I don't understand why it's so important that I report on what I'm feeling whenever someone wants to "help" me, based on their own metrics. It doesn't do any good. If I said any of this out loud, I'd just start crying and make it look like it's the most horrible thing to ever happen to anyone, I just don't see the point. It achieves nothing. Feeling better is not guaranteed, and even if it was it would still amount to nothing.

I hate crying because it just feels so pathetic. I don't think it makes me weak or anything like that, it's just embarrassing to act so dramatic, especially when I'm known to never cry unless it's from laughing or watching a movie or a show or something like that. It's shallow, but I'm also aware of how much more repulsive I look when I cry. I looked in the mirror once while I cried, and the disgust made me stop, wash my face and go back to being a normal person immediately. It was different to how my stomach usually drops when I see my face. It felt like something was actually wrong with my body.

[hiyoriddle]

LIFE IS SO DRAMATIC!!

[ ibara saegusa x gn!reader — socmed au ]

14: one day i'll watch as you're leaving

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“saegusa.”

the four men walked towards him, he notices and salutes to them. “sakuma senpai! what brings you here?”

is he trying to act ignorant to the situation? this was starting to anger rei. he sighed, deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“i know you're busy due to your major, though i have to ask you something.” rei said.

ibara tried to look as neutral as possible. “what is it?”

“why are you ignoring y/n?”

there it is again. he didn't want to answer, if he really has to, then they'd have to force it out of him.

“for some reason, all of you are here.” he tried to change the subject. ibara could feel koga's rage from his glare, he definitely wanted to punch him then and there.

due to his experience, he'd be able to fight back easily, but if they actually decide to resort to violence, maybe he'd let them. it's what he deserves for being the biggest scum on earth.

“answer the question, you bastard!” koga growled. adonis had to hold him back a little.

ibara didn't say anything and avoided everyone's eyes. he turned around and began to walk away, koga's yelling getting louder with each step.

however, kaoru wasn't going to let this slide. he placed his hand on his shoulder and forcibly moved him so that they can face each other. the others followed and surrounded ibara, now he has nowhere to go.

“saegusa.” rei repeated. “there's no use in running away. you only have to tell the truth, it's not so hard.”

damn it.

“please mind your business and let me handle it on my own.” ibara replied.

“y/n's worried.” kaoru said. “you shouldn't just play with their feelings like this, don't make the same mistake.”

ibara thinks it's a bit too late for that warning. it seems as if he's repeating history. “i've already done it.”

“... what's your plan here, saegusa? because it's not going as well as you thought.” rei crossed his arms. “you're a smart man, but you acted impulsively this time. if you could tell us your concerns then we'd—”

ibara cuts him off. “what? you'd help? this is between me and nagisa. i'm only trying to make things right between them.”

the older male noticed how he dropped his usual title for him and used his name instead. how unexpected. “between them? you mean nagisa and y/n?”

“... i've said enough.”

“ibara.”

he didn't know what came over him. maybe he was tired of keeping these thoughts to himself, he knows he acted without thinking, there was just a part inside of him that hoped things would get better if he did that.

“i only wanted to make them happy.” he confessed. “i thought that y/n would be happier if they got back with nagisa... so i did what i had to do.”

“what the hell are ya talking about?!” koga snarled.

ibara clears his throat. “his excellency told me everything, and i thought it would be best for them to get back together. he was opposed to the plan, i don't think he's even following it, but i'm still trying.”

adonis finally speaks up. “... it doesn't sound like you thought about it much.”

“of course i didn't.” ibara's jaw clenched then he took a deep breath to not frustrate himself further. “it's what's best for them... now, if you'll excuse me, i have to get to class.”

the others didn't say anything else after that, they watched him walk away and they soon left as well.

they understood his intentions, but thought it would be best to wait. rei had a feeling that ibara wouldn't be able to keep up with his plan for long, and soon enough, the truth will be revealed.

someone just needs to give them a little push...

A/N 𖦹 hi

TAGLIST 𖦹 @deucebox @eichiburger @sun-rays9 @fyushia @s3r4t0n1n @r4miskss @hugs4shizu @thathowling @gabirii @reivity @inu1gf @starkinnies @ttsukipi @koingks @jellyfishfont @wisteriarain @taruruchi @mellowknightcolorfarm @yuusishi @yellowdialover @transblender @moonlightgallery @luluuu-s @bluestbluejay @k444zuha @makur0 @runa1602 @afoxesgreed @valeriele3 @saikisolosgoku @exhokai @noctesimpsalot @dexocore @perpetually-simping

[miniherodesktales]

Advent 6: Attic Ghost

Rimmer had never truly understood why so many people thought so little of him. True, he was a stickler for the rules. True, he occasionally lost his temper. And, true, he wasn't afraid to put anyone on report - even the captain. But, overall he was a decent fellow - in his own mind - who always carried a pen and, above all, was kind. In his own way.

'If I'm not a good person then explain to me what I'm doing up here?' he asked Bob the Scutter. 'Routing around in the ship's attic, climbing over dusty boxes, battling my way through cobwebs - and for what? Christmas decorations, that's what. And why am I doing this, taking time out of my busy schedule? Because I'm a nice guy, that's why.'

The motors inside Bob's neck made a whining noise. Maybe it was a sigh or a moan. Rimmer took it as a noise of agreement.

'Exactly! But no sees it! Just hurry up and remove that cobweb, it looks particularly - ugh!'

Rimmer had tripped over an old umbrella lying on the floor and stumbled headfirst through the oversized cobweb. It coated his head and shoulders.

'That's so disgusting! Oh, I give up! Let's turn around, Bob.'

Rimmer turned on his heel and as he did so almost walked straight into a wizened, elderly Cat. She sat, sunk deep into a cardboard box that doubled as a chair.

'MWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!' shrieked the cat, waving a carved stick at Rimmer. 'MMMMMWWWWWAAAAGGHHHHH!' She paused to get her breath back before saying, 'MMMMWWWWWAAAAGGHHH!'

'Good evening,' replied Rimmer.

The cat chuckled drly. 'Good evening, Dead Man Arnold Rimmer, cowardly scum and dried up vomit stain. You who rejected Christmas in life is now doomed to walk the Earth, helping others until your chain is broken. Do you feel it's weight? Do you hear its rattle?'

Rimmer folded his arms. 'No.'

The cat shrieked again, waving her arms for drama. 'The chain of regret hangs heavy around your neck! You must accept Christmas into your heart if you wish to escape your fate. You may trust my words, Arnie, for I am the Cat of Christmas Past.'

'But I already like Christmas!'

The cat dropped her arms. 'What?'

'I love it. The music, the lights, the food. People being socially obliged to say hello to me.'

'But, ah, what about Christmas in your childhood? Think back, to the those lonely Christmases on Io. Were you happy being all alone?'

Rimmer sighed. 'I was so alone....always left at school every year, never collected, the only boy left.....it was bliss.'

'That is not the -'

'I got the dorm and bathroom to myself, the library, choice of TV shows every night, enough food, the silence, the peace! I miss those Christmas days.'

The Cat spirit of Christmas Past hissed angrily.

'Forget it, forget it!' she snarled. 'I'll go haunt some other poor, miserable twit! I've only been waiting for you for over 3 million years and this what I get? Not even so much as a scream! Farewell, Arnold Rimmer, you stupid, droopy-eyed, miserable cow pat!'

With a flash of light and a loud pop the spirit disappeared.

'Strange lady,' said Rimmer.

***

'You're lying,' said the Cat.

'You were hallucinating, brought on by the toxins in the mutated spider webs,' said Kryten.

'You forgot the decorations,' Lister grumbled.

[What do you think?]

[celestie0]

MAKE THEM FUCK LIKE RABBITS IN TBE NEXT CHAPPPPPPP. Like wdym bae u got the athlete stamina? Physical touch is your love language? You've been dying to touch me? my cooter won't let him leave till I've had my fill (pun intended) 😀😀😀😀

Ok jokes aside just finished reading the recent chap + the headcanons and oh god I have THOUGHTS. Kai and his loser clique can all rot, leave it to insecure men to try dragging you down to their level because your ambition scares them and reminds them of just how incompetent they truly are. I'm not a film major but in somewhat similar humanities field and personally I could relate so much to that scene of a group of guys putting a lone girl in such an intimidating situation just to "teach her a lesson" because they consider themselves experienced. Like go to hell. Kudos to her for immediately slapping that cunt and putting kai in his fucking place.

And as for our main couple oh my god 😭 yn you broke my heart by what you said to gojo (I can't imagine how terrible she'd feel once she finds out his past like it's just so heartbreaking to have lost so much and have to hear that you have it easy. Ily bby toru), but watching her accept that she was wrong and how they both communicated really warmed my heart. Fucking finally he admitted he likes her and wants to be with her. Now go be w your girl!!

Thank you for this chapter!😙 it was well worth the wait and I've been in such a good mood ever since reading it. Thank you for your efforts 🫂

like rabbits 😭😭😭🤣🤣 i am unfortunately putting gojo in celibacy camp for next chap bc he needs to master abstinence🧍🏻‍♀️it’s a 7-day program so we’ll see if he survives /joking. YOUR COOTER COMMENT HAS ME DYING

“leave it to insecure men to try dragging you down to their level because your ambition scares them and reminds them of just how incompetent they truly are”

just exactly ditto. exactly this. i’ve no words to add, u 100% slayed w this. kiss 💋

im happy (but also not very happy) that u resonated w the bar scene. obv not so happy bc i hate that you’ve had to go through that but i rly hope it was some sort of representation for what you’ve had to face :””) i swear men who try to sabotage women’s careers bc of their own insecurities r the scum of earth

AND YES aaa reader’s dialogue in the argument 💔💔 it was so out of line but w everything she’s been dealing w i think it was just a cumulation of all the build up. it felt real to write that part bc ive been in situations where i’ve really liked men who just cannot show up for me the way i need them to, and just turning them into a “villain” was the easiest way to get over them, and i think that’s what was going through reader’s mind in that moment :”) but yes she apologized n i don’t think satoru holds it against her all that much bc he understands her well, but oof yea big chance the regret is gonna bite her down the line

SORRY FOR THE LONG RESPONSE BACK BB i’m so happy you enjoyed the chapter n you’re in a good mood after reading it omg 🥺💕 thank u so freaking much for the ask

[burning-fcols]

"So, you're Charlie's father. I must say that it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Mr. Morningstar. She thinks the world of you, you know, so I was quite excited when she said you were visiting," Naven greeted the King of Hell once they got a moment alone. A pleasant smile beamed at Lucifer from above. He hadn't said much the first time the man visited, choosing to stand back and observe, so he wouldn't be surprised if he didn't remember him. "Charlie introduced me last time, but my name is Naven. I've been helping her with some interpersonal communication, public speaking and all that. She's already got so much charm; she just needs to know how to properly wield it." ( It might seem innocent, but I think we both know where this is going. ) - ✧ ˖ ˙ 「 @ɴɪꜰꜰᴛʏᴀɴᴅʟᴄᴠᴇʟʏ 」 ˙ ˖ ✧

「 ☆ 」 Ever since agreeing to assist Charlie in her quest for redeeming Sinners ( doubtful as Lucifer may still be about its success ) , the King of Hell had attempted to take a more... active role in her life. Now that he's aware she actually WANTS him to. So many years had been spent wallowing in his failures, assuming she joined him in this harsh judgement. Granted, there's the bothersome voice in the forefront of his mind still chastises him for daring to insert himself into a place— an endeavor —that has NOTHING to do with him. He had his chance to impact the world and look how that turned out. If he'd stayed within the confines created for him, Hell wouldn't even be an issue... Heaven not smiting the former scum of the earth with their scorn.

Mental note, stop referring to sinners as ❛ scum ❜ , lest those internal thoughts tumble outward unintentionally... A near-eternity builds up some difficult habits to shake, but that doesn't mean Lucifer can't TRY. Even if he still feels... wary when it comes to the denizens of his ❛ Kingdom ❜ . Straightening his suit, shoving down a silent grimace at how accustomed he is to thinking of Hell as such with bitterness or shame, he offers a handshake to the strang— NOT stranger, okay... Not stranger, who felt manipulative friendly enough to greet him.

❝ O-Oh! Heh— it's a pleasure to meet you again, Naven... ❞ Emphasizing the word as if he hadn't completely forgotten the other man, handshake is a bit TOO firm in his nerves. Surprisingly-strong ( or perhaps not, considering who he is ) for someone of such a small stature, Lucifer uses his other hand to take off his hat and give a slight bow to overcompensate for potentially-perceived rudeness. Straightening his spine and placing his hat back on his head, both hands fix the brim as he continues, ❝ I can't tell you how grateful I am that you're helping my little girl. ❞

Completely grateful and not at all threatened by the prescence of a RESPONSIBLE male role model in her life because he is NOT going to be consumed by petty jealousy or insecurities... Besides, at least this guy shows the arguably proper respect, unlike a certain literal walking red-flag. Granted, that makes Lucifer trust him even less than Alastor. In an ironic, ❛ looks like nobody can win when it comes to the King ❜ , sort of way. But Lucifer does like him more... So, silver linings?

❝ She really is something special. Just needs a little bit of practice and I'm sure she'll be commanding legions of sinners ready to redeem themselves! Knowing how to properly talk to these people is so important... ❞ Unaware if his turn-of-phrase about ❛ these ❜ people is unintentionally-insulting, Lucifer sagely nods his head to emphasize his point. Eyes fluttering open to refocus on Naven, he then demonstrates his own wondrous communication skills by bluntly asking—

❝ ... Are your eyes always closed? ❞ 「 ☆ 」

[girlactionfigure]

THE HOLOCAUST WAS IN COLOUR

I woke up today in Jerusalem to the sound of a siren marking Yom HaShoah - Holocaust Memorial Day. The fucking Holocaust. This thing that's there. This thing that every Jewish kid has to learn about far too young. There’s no good age to learn about it. It takes away an innocence whatever age you learn.

It's a lesson of: actually - the worst shit can happen.

Actually - the worst shit did happen.

Actually the worst shit could happen again.

There is no objective proof of God - but Auschwitz did happen. It’s difficult to remain idealistic about human beings after that. If tales of individual acts of heroism that emerged from the Holocaust are supposed to give us solace and an after-taste of hope, the bigger question is what is it that makes these tales such anomalies?? What is it that prevented every person from being a hero? And why did it happen in the first place?

Visiting Auschwitz ruined part of me. It really did. Even before visiting, all that bullshit ruined part of me. I remember seeing images on TV as a kid and that ain't healthy. To see ghouls hanging on barbed wire. Piles of skeleton and flesh. I don't see how it can't ruin anyone if that's you and your kind they were gunning for. The idea that people murdered you because you were born you. The idea that your fellow countrymen turned round and said: actually you're not one of us. Or turned a blind eye, buttoned up their lips, gazed down in silence and left you to deal with it on your own. It's not like this puts joy in your heart. It puts something in your heart that I can't explain. It puts in your heart the sensation that some people don't want your heart to beat. And that's a confusing feeling for any heart: a nexus of emotions. A paralytic, existential moment. The loneliest heart, scarred by barbed wire and frost.

The fact that I can only trace my family tree back a few generations has always gnawed at me. I can only go back so far and then there's nothing. Just a black hole. Part of my connection with planet earth has been blotted out for good. I've been disinherited of my roots - from knowing the specifics of who I am and where I come from.

A few years back I visited Auschwitz - this massive shithole in Poland. And it's not like this death factory could have been a secret. There's no way. People knew. It's huge. It just goes on and on. And there's something weird about it. And you can't quite figure it out. And then you realise - it's all in colour. It's not in black and white. The images we're used to seeing of Auschwitz are black and white. And as horrific as those images are they provide a safe, historical distance. It appears a bygone world far removed from us. But it's here in colour and it's the same world we inhabit. The same air, the same trees, the same rain falling. And the human beings would have been in colour too, with red blood cells and capillaries and hearts beating like ours. They weren’t creatures from yester-year, they were modern human beings with the same body parts and feelings. And they were murdered by modern human beings who also had the same body parts and who probably loved their children and kissed their partners goodnight.

There's more I could write. I could write about mountains of shoes. I could write about piles of hair. I could write about buttons and cutlery and possessions that emerge from the mud in the rain. I remember having a stupid back and forth in my mind over some buttons I found which I put back into the mud. I had this stupid thought that maybe I should have "liberated" the buttons rather than leave them in that shithole - but then thinking that would be stealing? But would it be stealing if they'd been stolen by scum and were now being "taken back" in a spirit of love and solidarity by someone on their side? “Liberating buttons.” Stupid stuff. Ridiculous thoughts that you can somehow do something correct to rectify what happened here and bring some kind of harmony. In the end I left them. The buttons were stolen and they don't belong to Auschwitz - but they belong to the memory of what happened there - so they can at least continue to speak from the mud to anyone who sees them.

If I'm honest, part of me wishes I hadn't visited the place. I came away angry and it killed any absolute faith I have in human beings. As I say, individual tales of heroism and defiance aren’t enough to justify true optimism. They're a plaster to cover up the deeper sickness of who and what we are as a species. There's something worrying about human beings and our capacity for cruelty. A species whose children pick the wings off flies, combined with a propensity to herd mentality, is dangerous. It should trouble all of us. I don't know how we overcome it, keep it restrained, or collectively channel it toward a universally agreed direction that’s aimed at goodness.

If I have one reflection on whatever nonsense it is I'm writing it's this: I think there's a violence in human beings. There is violence in the human soul. There is violence and there is cruelty. But more than that there is fear. Despite our songs and poems, I'm not sure love is the most powerful force on earth. There’s a strong argument to suggest fear is the primary driving force behind the actions of the animal we call a human being. It's fear of freezing to death that causes us to build shelters. It's fear of going hungry that causes us to stock food. It's fear of being ostracised that causes us to ostracise others. It's fear of ridicule that breeds conformity. It's fear that causes people to keep their heads down. And when the moment of danger comes? When the tyrants enter? When the bullies arrive? It's fear that causes people to not speak up. To turn a blind eye. To let someone else take the bullet. People can bombastically jump on the bandwagon and say "never again" but it’s tough to find your voice when face to face with a bully. People can say never again but it’s tough to square up if someone has raised their fist and shown they will use it. It’s tough to be brave when the moment comes and there's so many thoughts going through your mind and your brain and adrenalin decides it's best to shut down and stay quiet for the sake of self-preservation. It’s tough to do good things in this world because the bad things are loud and scary and intimidating. It’s tough for people to rise above fear. There’s a reason why heroes are called lone heroes. They’re uncommon.

That's why it's good to be writing this from Israel where Jews are once again in their ancestral home, the place they forged an indigenous civilisation many thousands of years ago before the Babylonians and Romans forced them into exile. A place where they can ensure that "Never Again" is not left in the hands of a species that pulls the wings off flies. Google the Evian Conference - visit Auschwitz yourself - survival is not a game to be left in the hands of others or based on the strength of promises. Because there's always a chance that when the chips are against you and you call out to friends or others for help, you could be left hanging around wondering when they'll arrive?

And the answer might be:

Never. Again.

So. Anyway. It's 5pm. I need a piss. Then I'll probably eat some bread. A siren went off this morning. Just one final thought before I have a wee. I say that any absolute faith I have in human beings is lost. And that's true. Yet every day I experience such joy at existing. I love walking about, talking to people and connecting with souls cut from the same cloth. I like nature and I like looking at things and if I didn't love science so much I'd probably be a new age nut hugging trees and trying to kiss ants. Being alive is the most beautiful thing I've experienced to date.

And as embarrassed as I am to say it would you look at me trying to finish on a positive note?

Maybe there is something stronger than fear?

The persistant impulse to seek blessings in a world full of curses. The sheer chutzpah of life. The defiance. Not to vanquish the darkness, but to live in spite of the darkness. I can handle a world where Auschwitz took place if I also get to live in a world where there are people I love. I can handle a world where there’s horror if I also get to laugh now and then. And the fact that love, laughter and happiness can blossom in a world where the worst can happen - and has - must count for something. Deep down the impulse to go in search of life’s blessings is within all of us. It’s part of who we are. It’s why we get up each morning. We have to have faith that all will be well even when logic, history and common sense says otherwise. Actually it’s not even a question of faith. We have no choice. I think hope is hardwired into all of us. Deeper than fear. We are a creature that hopes. And sometimes, with the right wind behind us, at the right tide, we make those hopes come true. Sometimes, if you will it, it is no dream.

Lee Kern

This was written in Jerusalem in 2015 on Yom HaShoah - Holocaust Memorial Day