#GOODNIGHTTTT. muack <- kiss sfx

[sevicia]

My mom's started to notice how obedient I am to my sister and it's humiliating. "Why do you let her speak to you like that? You always listen to her instead of me" it's obvious now because that day they thought I was dying I only moved once my sister yelled at me, and I barely remember any of it.

It's humiliating because it's a reflex. It's not like I don't have my own will, it's not like it's weak, it's just that I can't go against her without feeling like I'll be punished for throwing a tantrum. That feeling overrides everything else.

I have no idea what I'd do if my mom ever asked me directly about it, because I know she'd blame her. I guess it started because of her, but that means they'd start fighting like crazy again and my sister would start feeling like our parents don't care about her again. Maybe telling my mom would help me feel better somehow, maybe it'd help start fixing things even though it seems impossible, but the possibility of both her and our dad turning against my sister is more than enough for me to avoid talking about it as much as possible.

There's also the fact that everyone's just gonna call me a coward and a pushover for never being able to stand up to her. I guess that's true, but it's still awful to think about being seen for what I am in such an explicit way.

Frustrating because I know for a fact it's my fault I still feel like this today. I mean, I'm better than I was 1 or 2 years ago, back then I agreed with everything she said and hid anything I thought might make her dislike me because I felt like the scum of the earth every time she got annoyed or called me stupid. I couldn't help bawling my eyes out, which I've never been able to do properly since we've always shared a room, I'm always quiet. I really wish I could just cry like a kid even just once, but I don't think I'll ever be able to.

It's my fault that I'm still like this because changing is on me. It's something no one else can ever do for me, but I'm so deep in it I know I'll die like this. I know other people have had way worse relationships with their siblings when they were kids, and they're nowhere near this level of messed up about it. I don't think "I didn't have it THAT bad" is a valid excuse, but I do think I should've gotten over it already. I just never noticed how sensitive I was because I've always had to be so quiet.

I hate that I'm like this because of something I should've gotten over by now. I hate that I can't tell anyone, but most of all I hate that I can't say it to her face because I love her so much. She's cried while telling me about how sorry she is and how guilty she feels for messing up my childhood like that, so I tell her it's okay. I don't feel okay about it, but I can't ever blame her for any of it since we were both kids. She doesn't know just how much it's affected me, whatever effect she thinks she had on me is not nearly comparable to how I've felt my whole life.

I tell her it's fine. What else am I gonna tell her? I've seen her cry out of guilt. I couldn't live with myself if I ever made her cry like that again. I resent her so much, I can't help it. It's so ugly. I have these moments where I wish she'd just die, that she'd just disappear from my life and my head one day, then I'd be free to act on my own, but thinking that way just makes me hate myself even more. It's just so disgusting, I can't stand it.

I'm going to die feeling like this. It will never leave me. I can't let it go, I don't know what'd happen if I tried. I don't want her to ever worry about anything. The way people treat her sometimes makes me sick. The way she talks to me most of the time makes me wanna vomit.

She loves me, I don't doubt this for a second. If she ever found out I feel like this, she'd call me an idiot for not telling her sooner. I can't stand the thought of that. I hate it when people do that, I don't understand it and I doubt I ever will. I don't understand why it's so important that I report on what I'm feeling whenever someone wants to "help" me, based on their own metrics. It doesn't do any good. If I said any of this out loud, I'd just start crying and make it look like it's the most horrible thing to ever happen to anyone, I just don't see the point. It achieves nothing. Feeling better is not guaranteed, and even if it was it would still amount to nothing.

I hate crying because it just feels so pathetic. I don't think it makes me weak or anything like that, it's just embarrassing to act so dramatic, especially when I'm known to never cry unless it's from laughing or watching a movie or a show or something like that. It's shallow, but I'm also aware of how much more repulsive I look when I cry. I looked in the mirror once while I cried, and the disgust made me stop, wash my face and go back to being a normal person immediately. It was different to how my stomach usually drops when I see my face. It felt like something was actually wrong with my body.