#i feel like shit i xant do this anymore

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

[kermiekermie]

i was right abt my memtal health getting bad again

[honeyed-disgraceful]

I'm worthless and every day proves it more and more

[amourete-blog1]

(( [throws confetti] MORE LOGS! next up: feelings, with a side of more feelings and animal puns.

tagging: @sugary-empress​ @caepaecaesurae​ @hereticalsym69ls​  @roseredmutant​ @carnivalsorphans

context: feli is a little less angry bc lil sensed her anger and xanthe just Knows so they cuddled her until she Chilled, then this first message came in

begin log:

sugary-empress I want to talk tomorrow, but I know you don't, so feel free to tell me to fuck off.

aberrantcadenza If you're really fine with me being biased as fuck, sure. I'm stepping back for *your* sake, not mine.

sugary-empress I mean, I guess that makes sense, considering that I'm the one hurt by this kinda stuff. Don't get me wrong, you have a stake, but it isn't like mine.

Why are lowbloods allowed to react violently and horrifically because of their past but I'm not.

aberrantcadenza ... With that topic, yes, I feel okay talking. Do you... want to talk now, or tomorrow?

sugary-empress You seemed upset, I figured it could wait. On the other hand, that just spreads out being upset across multiple nights.

aberrantcadenza I'll live. I always do. My anger issues don't go away, they just get set off by the smallest things, and then I need to rein them in. It's a constant battle and that won't change. Are you prepared to talk now, and do you want to?

sugary-empress I'm always prepared for talking about this kinda shit

aberrantcadenza :33 Well hey, I'm alright with it then. Uh... But first. I'm sorry I kind of lashed out at you. I recognize that was wrong of me - I'm *hoping* you didn't feel it, but the intention was there, and it shouldn't have been. I'm working on not engaging when I know I'm emotionally compromised. I'll do better next time.

sugary-empress I know this next part is gonna sound bitter and emotionally manipulative but it's totally sincere, I swear I'm used to people wanting me to suffer in perpetuity for what I've done, I'm trying not to make it be a big deal

aberrantcadenza I want to say I understand, but I know I don't - that's why we're here. So... I'll take it in stride. You have my word.

sugary-empress Anyways. What's up with reacting like that to a discussion about horrible things. Like, you know what I was thinking about when I posted that, right

aberrantcadenza I don't presume to know anything. I'm not privy to your thoughts.

sugary-empress So you know nothing, but enough for you to believe your commentary was insightful and/or necessary. It was about this troll who's been hurting Cae for something he did for an insignificant fraction of his existence and has regretted ever since, and it was about my matesprit's horrible timeline, where indigos horns are cut off and they're enslaved, and my alternate has been panwashed and enslaved and used as a false moirail for the person in charge. It wasn't a slave being mean to me and hurting my delicate little feelings. It was you people being hurt and ruining people's lives, forever I do that too but everyone knows it's bad why is it even up for debate

aberrantcadenza ... Yeah.

sugary-empress I'm sorry I know it's not you every time, it's Lil, or even Xanthe, but you're here and Lil blocked me

aberrantcadenza Most of why I spoke wasn't even directed at you, which added to why I stopped and stepped back when I caught myself doing it. Should have done that sooner - will next time. It was more directed at Cae. If something is happening to him, no, I wasn't privy to it. All I know is his kismesis is a former slave and personally I find it kind of distressing that he joins a conversation enough to "show support" but not enough to actually make up his mind. No, it's okay. I promise it's fine. These are the kind of discussions I ought to be having if I'm in any way engaging in these topics. Thank you, actually, for that.

sugary-empress Cae is admittedly annoyingly good at playing both sides But having an alternate universe pop up where the dude who's been hassling you had you branded is pretty unsettling He doesn't have any solid social capital anymore, it's not like he's actually still a highblood in practice, he just acts douchey enough that he seems like it

aberrantcadenza Yeah, I'll agree with that wholeheartedly.

sugary-empress Idk I'm protective of him bc he's like the ideal end goal for me lmao

aberrantcadenza :00 That... makes a lot of sense.

sugary-empress Yeah? I usually don't, so that's cool

aberrantcadenza Pff. No, I think you make a lot more sense than people chalk you up to, often... I'm sorry about that.

sugary-empress Mm. It's not a huge deal, all things considered

aberrantcadenza It's really hard to get passed over and get people acting like you don't know what you're talking about, especially if they don't stop to explain or try to understand.

sugary-empress I. Yeah

aberrantcadenza ... I'm one of those "I don't want people to suffer as I have" sort of trolls. So... if you ever want to talk to me, to clarify things like this, I'll try to listen. If it's a bad time I'll let you know.

sugary-empress Me too. Which I know seems questionable But I feel like that too, I'm just bad at identifying suffering correctly. Alphas have weird emotions.

aberrantcadenza I'm trying to believe trolls can be good, despite everything, so I'm taking you at face value. Anyone can see you've made great strides, and I haven't even known you that long.

sugary-empress Thanks, dear *Felide

aberrantcadenza :33 Thank you. I don't mind the affectionate names so much now... If you want to use them, it's fine. Anything except "kitten."

sugary-empress Oh, gross, I wouldn't call you that anyways Reminds me too much of Dualscar and babe

aberrantcadenza G od help us all.

sugary-empress 3XP

aberrantcadenza X33 Thank you. Very much.

sugary-empress I really appreciate you? As a person and a concept and this conversation is good

aberrantcadenza It is! And I'm really glad we had it. And that I was able to like, you know... chill the fuck out without actually hurting anyone. The line between "righteous anger" and "harmful anger" is so thin and I step over it far too often.

sugary-empress Don't we all That's a natural trollish thing But it's good that you know

aberrantcadenza Even for you? :??

sugary-empress Duh??? Especially for me???????

aberrantcadenza :00 ! I didn't know that, catually.

sugary-empress I've been t)(e one pus)(ing to fucking murder t)(e overseer O)( )(ey, quirk's back, cool

aberrantcadenza Idk, that seemed purrety righteous to me. XPP

sugary-empress But I'm not someone w)(o does somefin )(alfway If I feel rig)(teous stuff you know I feel evil stuff

aberrantcadenza "Go hard or go home": Extreme persian.

sugary-empress I wanted to kill Lil for wanting me to abandon Xant)(e, and I got super close to t)(at TRUUUUUU-E

aberrantcadenza :?? Wait what?

sugary-empress I'm sorry, not wanting me to abandon Xant)(e, just wanting to abandon Xant)(e, I can't type

aberrantcadenza Yikes DD: !

sugary-empress )(e decided )(e couldn't )(andle Xant)(e being )(urt and traumatized and so I s)(oal do it alone Fortunately I eventually got )(im to talk to Xant)(e again but I was so fucking mad

aberrantcadenza He said that??

sugary-empress Yea)(, lmao Sorry I forgot not ebberyone knows stuff aboat fins

aberrantcadenza :(( Wow, that's... jeez. When was this? If I might ask.

sugary-empress It was rig)(t after I rescued Xant)(e Idk I guess I can get being overw)(elmed but it sucked at t)(e time since I'd like, never done anyfin good before and suddenly I )(ad an -Enormous Fin and I didn't even get kelp at first I'm just w)(iny, I'm sorry It's w)(at anyone woulda done, I don't get an award, )(a)(a

aberrantcadenza :?? But you weren't saying anything about that. This is... massive, yes. Very much. And if it's something you hadn't any purrsonal experience with, that's even bigger. Like maybe... ten trolls stacked on end, maybe fifteen, if a normal purroblem like this is like... five. That's a weird metafur.

sugary-empress It's a great metap)(or and I glub it

aberrantcadenza ... I was really overwhelmed when I learned about it too. And scared. And I've *dealt* with things like this, this is... basically my life. And his, and all our family. Many of my lovers too. And seeing him like he was... That's fucking scary. I don't blame you at all.

sugary-empress )(ow long after did you even get to sea )(im )(e wouldn't let me contact )(is family until )(e was a lot better

aberrantcadenza I didn't meet him again until a couple purrigees ago. I only learned about it maybe... two weeks or so before we killed her.

sugary-empress Yea)( I usually see )(ow muc)( better )(e is from t)(e first nig)(t I saw t)(em, and I forget )(ow muc)( worse )(e still is compared to before... I'm sorry t)(is )(arpooned

aberrantcadenza It doesn't look like it could be helped. Trolls take and take and take... and it's inevitable, really, at the end of the night. ... But the thought is apurreciated. I'm glad you were able to help him. I don't think he could have been in safpurr grabbers.

sugary-empress 38( Cod, I'm sorry I'm saying feelings at you Wtf w)(o aut)(orized t)(ose??? Illegal

aberrantcadenza Feelings? Disgusting. Illegal, I agree. XPP No, it's good, this is... really good. Thank you.

sugary-empress You're welcome It's fucking midday and I've got a morning meeting, not like, ungodly early morning, but still, I otter sleep I'm glad we glubbed 38)

aberrantcadenza Me too! :DD Good luck with your meetfin!

[stonedopossums]

everything sucks forever