#i feel like no one cares that ive been away from online stuff as much as i usually am

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi, im an 18 year old pre-transition trans guy and ive grown up in an incredibly repressive fundie household which has caused me to really struggle both socially and with my sexual development. ive been homeschooled nearly my whole life and am currently getting everything set up to enroll for college this fall, this will be my first time living away from my abusive household and im very nervous about it..

anyhow, im in a really really weird situation right now. because of my shelteredness ive always been extremely isolated irl, ive never had a consensual romantic or sexual experience irl and all of my friends are online friends. well, one of my online friends (a cis guy who i knew from an online forum) and i started fooling around a bit, flirting and then eventually very explicit conversations, trading nudes and sexual video calls. we were extremely emotionally close and the relationship was pseudo-romantic but we both agreed we didn't want to do online dating after both of us having a bad experience with it previously.

this whole situation allowed me to experiment sexually more than i ever have, and i really felt more sexually confident than i ever have.

when we met, he told me he was freshly 19. and for the whole relationship i was under that impression, he didn't give me any reason to doubt it. but two days ago he couldn't handle lying anymore and revealed that he was 15. needless to say that was an incredible shock and i dealt with it as responsibly as i think i can.

the reason i'm coming to you about this is because i feel really weird about the whole thing, i dont blame myself for believing him and im not mad at him because i understand what lead him to those choices, but now i feel really awkward about all of the good things i got out of the situation before the reveal.. this was my first time ever really doing "real" sexual stuff with someone (beyond just texting i mean, i had never exchanged nudes or done vidoe calls like that before) everything sexual i encounter now makes me feel awkward because of all of this, its really weird and uncomfortable and i don't know what to do :(

im not sure what im hoping to get out of telling you this but i can't really talk about this to anyone else i feel like, so i guess i just wanted to get it off my chest

(if anyone responds to this accusing me of taking advantage of him or not handling the situation correctly, firstly you have basically no context and secondly you don't know what i did to take care of the situation. let me and my close friends be the ones to judge how i handled it, this is an extremely complicated situation for me to be in and you being judgmental does nothing positive for it.)

hi anon,

oofah doofah, what a sucky situation.

I totally understand feeling grossed out by the reveal; those feelings are real and deserve recognition. it's not nice to be lied to, especially when the truth casts all of your previous experiences in a totally different light - and a much scarier one, since you could very well have been breaking the law by exchanging nudes with a 15 year old, depending on where you live! this person could have gotten you in huge trouble by lying, which makes this whole situation that much worse.

having said that, you don't need to feel good about having had a good time and having gotten some positive experiences out of this dynamic. you were enjoying a relationship that you had every reason to believe was above board and it did great things for your sexual confidence! that's not retroactively untrue just because you were being misled; all of the good things you felt are still real.

think of it this way: when a couple breaks up there's often a urge to feel that they've been wasting their time together, that all of the energy and devotion they brought to their relationship was ultimately a waste because they didn't die together in bed holding hands at the tender age of 107. but that isn't true! no relationship is a waste of time, and even when things don't work out, that doesn't mean the good things didn't count. every time those people made each other laugh, everything they encouraged each other to try, every new thing they experienced together, every time they had sex, every meal they shared - all of these are real and matter and helped shape them for the better, even if they ended up parting ways as romantic partners.

the same is true for you. take your time to sit with your hurt at this loss and betrayal of your trust, but don't throw the good out with the bad. this wasn't ultimately a good relationship for you, but that doesn't mean it brought nothing of value into your life, and you can carry what you learned about yourself forward with you as you seek more appropriate partners :)

[puffskeeter]

Hey I’m such a big fan of your art and I very much enjoy watching your YouTube channel 🤍🤍

And I want to ask you why you don’t ship the ppgxrrb and I want to hear your opinion about it which I can very much respect.

Plus another question that what type of fashion you think your au of the Powerpuff, Rowdyruff, and your Original Characters fall into between I really love how you draw them?

OMG TYSM!! I think i've seen your comments on my videos and TYSM for those too!! :D

I'll make a seperate post for my fashions/aesthetics for RRBORN characters! this one is pretty long even though i wanted it to be short lolz

Why i dont actively ship PPGxRRB:

I'm scrapping my drafted essay post about this for now because its really uncalled for and unnecessary. IDK sorry to anyone who looked forwards 2 it, but i just dont think i illustrate my point very well and more than half of it is lowkey a biased vent post and pure rambling. Either way this is the TLDR for the post you'll never see LOL.

But actually, I do ship PPGxRRB, i've just drifted away from it over the years. I think one of the biggest 'problems' i have with PPG x RRB is mainly with the portrayal of it. My main issue is with how a lot of people mischaracterize the RRB/PPG and completely deconstruct them as characters so that they can be love interests for the eachother and nothing more. One of my points in my scrapped post was that; I have no idea how an entire fandom managed to gender-bend the Bechdel test, but it is rare that i find PPGxRRB media where the RRB have actual lives, interests, hobbies, and friends that have nothing to do with the PPG. Half the time they can barely have a thought if it isn't about the PPG. As i said, Gender-bent Bechdel test.

Another point was that: ppgxrrb has gained a horrible reputation for itself over the years. Back in its "Glory" days, Toxic fans of the ships had bulldozed anything that differs from their favorite empty dynamics. Those usually being The Reds, Blues, and Greens. Nowadays i still see almost nothing in the realms of variety between creators interpretations of the ships. Almost every time i see a PPGxRRB post, it can fit into a set dynamic that the ship is already infamous for.

I want to be able to see the creators love and passion for their ships. I want to know how and why these characters ended up together. If a story is to be told, i want to hear it. I know that the majority of PPGxRRB creators are, by default, amateurs (they dont get paid and its not on a professional scale), but after seeing the exact same badly written love story hundreds , maybe even thousands of times with little-to-no variety, I've gotten bored and tired of people devaluing my favorite characters to be nothing more than overplayed dynamics and shipping fuel.

A lot of people like shipping because of the dynamics, but ship dynamics don't hook me in, and ive noticed that most PPGxRRB stuff is purely ship dynamics and nothing more. Theres nothing wrong with loving ship dynamics or being drawn to ships for their specific dynamics! I just dont care about dynamics, i care about chemistry and story. But most amateurs cant effectively show the chemistry or write the story, a lot of them can barely characterize the 2 characters in their ships.

FYI this isnt about anyone specific or even many recent fans of PPGxRRB. I've been in/around the online PPG fandom since before 2016, and a lot of my thoughts/feelings on the matter have a lot to do with stuff that happened over the years i've loved this series, and more specifically, The RowdyRuff Boys.

To be clear: When i say that they are mischaracterized, i'm not talking about HC's. I'm just tired of seeing the PPG and RRB dulled down into one-note personalities with stereotypical characterization and almost always no tangible character development. A love story is still a story, and a lot of shippers seem to half ass the "story" for favor of the "love".

I dont hate or even dislike PPG x RRB. I'm just really tired of rarely seeing people do the RRB justice, and i want these characters to be treated with the full respect that i think they deserve.

WOW this post is way to long already... still a lot shorter than my OG post. Sorry for being insane about the RRB. it will happen again.

[interpolanticssuperfan]

nothing natural | ken x fem!reader | part 4 | 18+ only

hey everyone!!!! thanks so much for your patience in my getting out this next chapter, ive been incredibly busy with life stuff and finishing a different fic of mine on ao3. (if you're a fight club fan, i'm @snottys on there. LOL) thank you for the kind words and the messages, they mean SO much to me. i hope this chapter is alright, and i can promise some mounting sexual tension in the next one; im just hoping to build up successfully to it so it feels organic and fun. i love you all and thanks for reading <3

tags: @heyareyoulistening @itsametaphorbriansblog @alyeria

The tight snap of the glass sliding door jilted you, and you should’ve guessed that Ken wouldn’t leave you alone, even if it meant deliberately ignoring your request for some space. With a heaving sigh, you studied your hands, the lines of your knuckles to try and see if your skin could explain what was wrong with you. What could possibly be wrong with you. 

Inward thoughts tapering off, you couldn’t ignore the way Ken’s presence was making you feel, searing butterflies in your stomach, which made your shame even more complex and frustrating. To be pinned by his gaze, it made you feel important, uninhibited. Flittery and excited like a child. It was invigorating.

It was nothing but a bad idea. A dead end. Done and dusted before you should have ever let it begin. 

A breeze rolled through your hair, welcoming and cooling. Ken’s atomic aura lingered behind you. He didn’t bound right up, didn’t affix himself to your side emphatically like he’d been doing all day. 

With a puff and a flick, you heaved yourself away from the curled metal railing, not meeting Ken’s eye. 

You hid your waning cigarette like you were about to get in trouble for it, as if you were back in school, ducking administrators under the bleachers, wrapped in thick lined coats with your friends. How simple things had been back then.

The mention of school brought back countless unsavory memories and left a bad taste in your mouth, flashes of arguments and self-doubt, so you ignored it in favor of waiting for Ken to speak. 

Back then, you weren’t afraid to approach any boy you wanted. It didn’t matter if he was the head of the football team or a shrinking, shy kid in the back of the study hall. Where this fearless bravado originated from, you couldn’t necessarily identify. All you knew was that it had eluded you into adulthood.

You reveled at how much you’ve changed since graduation.

“Willa’s in her green bed-thing,” Ken murmured a decent ways behind you, and you felt instant appreciation for him. After being such a freak and making a fool of yourself, he only kept choosing to help you, looking out for your belongings, the things you cared about. He had no reason to do them for you, but at this point, you didn’t want to question him.

“Thank you, Ken. You didn't have to do that.” You replied softly, picking at a fingernail absentmindedly.

“She got pretty antsy when you left. Ran in circles. Don't worry, (Y/N); once she gets to know me a little better, she’ll trust me in no time. What does she eat?” 

Ken finally appeared at your elbow, voice still gentle, taking in the hanging potted plants, the other identical slim patios of your neighbors that lined the lower units. He seemed nervous to get too close, so he laid his hands down on the railing, blinking rapidly when the sun peeked out from the clouds and shone directly on him like he wasn't used to its intensity. 

If you weren’t walking on eggshells, unable to trust yourself to talk with him normally, you might’ve tipped a warm, toothy smile up at him, allowed yourself to just… enjoy his presence. Express thankfulness for the change to your humdrum everyday life. 

“Lettuce. Different kinds of vegetables. Um… these special pellets I have to order online that take weeks to get here.” And that cost double what they should… the things you do for Willa. If only you could tell her ‘you're welcome.’

“Can you show me how you feed her? When we go back inside?” So hopeful. So unaware. Ken’s request sent shockwaves of emotion through your body. Your heart couldn’t help but do cartwheels over his sweet comments, the uncomplicated way he interacted with you.

“I don't know what to do.”

Ken paused, cocked his head as he furrowed his brow at you. He'd buttoned his jacket back up and taken his boots off. Just standing out here in the real world like he wasn't worried about what would happen to him.

A vein worked in Ken’s throat when he swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing, gilding the beautiful slope of his neck, and you had to tear your eyes away from him, the sweat on your chest collecting rapidly. Too tight, too sweet, too painful to look at.  

Of course he buttoned his jacket up, you scolded yourself. What else was he supposed to do after you humiliated him like that, reduced him to nothing but his looks? If he’d done the same to you, you’d have probably kicked him out.

(Or not.)

“Sure you do. You feed her every day, don't you? Actually, you should let me do it, that way we can build a rapport and –”

Exhaling through your nostrils, you took another long drag from your cigarette, and shook your head, still unable to meet Ken’s pleading eyes as the smoke tendril crept upwards and billowed away. 

It didn't bring you enjoyment to cut him off before he could lose himself on a tangent, but the day’s events had left you no choice; and you had to own up to your behavior, your unwarranted comments that Ken didn't even register as irresponsible.

“That's not what I meant. I know how to feed Willa. This has been a very, very long and… strange day. And it's only three in the afternoon.”

“I wasn't keeping track of the time.” Ken offered kindly.

“I wasn't expecting you to.”

“That smells bad,” Ken upturned his nose at the cigarette as the cloud dissipated over his face, shifting his body away from the direction the smoke carried. “I saw people with those in Venice Beach, but they walked so fast that I didn't get a proper whiff, you know? I'm telling you, everyone in Venice Beach acts like they're late for something.”

“That sounds more like New York to me.” A sneer formed on your face, which Ken noticed immediately. 

“They have those smoke sticks in New York, too?” He questioned innocently, side stepping every wave of tobacco residue that fanned out into the air, engaged in a bizarre dance of bob and weave. 

“They have these everywhere.” You counter, lifting your eyebrows curiously.

Ken scowls. “Yuck. What are they for?”

You mulled over an explanation in your mind, a little grateful to be addressing anything besides your brazenly lustful comment that Ken seemed to have entirely forgotten about. That Ken had glossed right over, not even batting a significant (irresistible) eyelash at. 

“When you breathe them in, it makes your head feel light for a few seconds. It's a pleasant feeling. But over time, they hurt your body and… essentially poison you.” Is this how you'd explain smoking to a child? It would have to do; you were no teacher, no professional, regardless of how hungrily Ken searched your eyes for answers and succinct explanations on everything. 

This information horrifies Ken, who makes to grab the burning cigarette right out of your hand. Pinching it between his fingers like hazardous waste, he flings it as far as he possibly can off the balcony with a grunt of exertion, and you both watch it spin gymnastically before landing a very long distance on a far sidewalk, ashes snowing and dying on the ground. 

It's impossible to delay meeting his gaze after that, so you look right up into his eyes, and Ken thaws under your attention, pupils still raging and wild and heavenly cerulean blue. 

Good arm, you think to yourself moments before breaking into a grin. 

“Sorry (Y/N), but that was for your own good. I can't possibly let you do something that's going to poison you. Not on my watch.” Smug, and a little bewildered, the smile that Ken gives you is flustered and determined.

“You're not even wearing a watch.”

“You don't know that.” Ken lulls, peeking at the sky, trying fastidiously to appear unbothered.

“I'm quite literally looking at both of your wrists.”

“Oh, (Y/N). You bemuse me. You see, a prepared man doesn't need to rely on worldly inventions such as watches. And numbers. He only needs his intuitions. Of which I have so many.” Ken taps intermittently at his temples, still avoiding your direct gaze. Calm and collected. Or, his best imitation of someone relaxed. And educated.

Had anyone else done this, especially on a frustrating and confusing day like today, you’d have probably kneed them in the groin. Maybe hurl a few expletives. Because where would you get off snatching a smoke straight out of someone’s hand? That you'd spent your own money on?

But all you could manage to do was laugh, fold over forwards a little bit with it, and the sound of it eased Ken’s nerves, eventually joining in with you to test the temperature of the conversation. 

“So… are you done being mad at me now?” He scrubbed at the back of his neck.

“I was never mad at you, Ken. I just needed some air, I needed to… clear my head. I really meant it when I said you didn’t do anything wrong.” He leaned over the railing a bit, tapping his foot against the welcome mat you’d placed outside.

“What I said wasn’t – well, it wasn’t nice, and I realized that I haven’t been handling this situation appropriately. That’s what made me feel upset. I was mad at myself.” Confessing this had you feeling twenty pounds lighter. 

“But it made me feel nice,” Ken affirmed, and you had to soldier yourself mentally not to grab him by the shoulders and kiss him or something equally as unwise. “I liked it. Is that so bad?”

In your peripheral you could make out the lines of his flawless blonde hair falling into his eyes as he watched the grass below, the bright orange “For Rent” sign, the pomeranian sunbathing on the second floor end unit. He seemed to be taken with every new sight that he laid his eyes on. So eager to learn, eager to please you, to help release your nerves. 

You considered that you didn't deserve even an ounce of it. His newness. His charisma, the spark in his eyes when you smiled at him. Any of it, there was no reason it should be directed towards you. 

Sobered, you attempted with great willpower not to let this falter your resolve. The best way to handle this was with honesty, and you knew that lying to Ken would only further complicate your already complicated friendship that had been forged only a handful of hours earlier. 

“To be fair, it usually feels nice to be complimented.”

“And that’s something friends do for each other – they say nice things about the people they like. So I think you should stop being so mad.” Ken sustained, lightly biting at his plush bottom lip, swelling under the tension, the exactitude of his discomfort manifesting. 

“Listen. Ken,” you dug your nails into the back of your hand, at the susceptible skin there, leaving imprints as you tried to assert yourself. If Ken noticed the tremble in your exhale as you slowly blinked, he didn’t point it out.

“I’m going to be forthcoming with you, because you seem like someone who… I don’t know. Deserves it. You’re funny, you’re. Fascinating. You’re easy on the eyes, I mean, you're. You’re.”

Ken flushes a deep shade of pink at your words, speechless, the spread of it so clear and unbidden on his lower neck that you have to nearly kick yourself not to look. He's got no idea how to answer you. When Ken finally receives the attention he angles for, it seems that he doesn’t know what to do with it. Stands and sways and stares, waits for the next beat because he isn’t sure of what comes after this, what could possibly be waiting for him on the other side of affection, the words that make him bow his head and drop his listless eyes.

You’re a solid few feet away from Ken, but he smells like sunlight – smells like happiness. His eyelashes dance in the shadows the setting sun casts over him in streaks of oranges and deep reds, painting him like an immortalized work of art.

He glimmers like an angel. Something made from clay. It makes your stomach twist. For some reason you miss your little sister. You miss when your days had structure. When decisions weren’t hard to make, when they weren’t even your responsibility. 

When you were only a child, and being alive didn’t sting. 

When none of this was your job. It was only dusk and popsicles, running until your ankles scraped against your shoes so bad they bled. When it was just sidewalk chalk and trading cards and homemade dinner. Homework and awful bathroom haircuts. Long walks and skinned knees.

Not a single part of you had ever felt ready to be an adult, and it was hitting you outside on your balcony, washing over you in disconcerting waves that Ken couldn’t read, couldn’t make sense of.

“You don’t know me that well. And. We only just met today. You know? So, what I’m trying to say is, there’s a lot you don’t know about me, about… what I’ve been through and. What I’m looking for. Out of life, out of. Relationships, friends, things like that. What I want to become. And until this morning, I hadn’t really been that inspired to evaluate any of it. My days are essentially just this, every week over and over, exactly like you’ve seen. I work at the library. I say hi to Pat. I rent a magazine that I forget about and then return without even having picked it up or read it, like some loser. I feed my guinea pig. I smoke and then sit out here, watch my neighbors. It’s just.” 

Your throat feels constricted, fighting against twangs of distressed emotion that bubble up and cradle within you, threatening to release at any moment. Threaten to betray you. You’re reticent to accept that any display of weakness could turn Ken off.

Could have him turning tail and going back to… wherever it was he said he came from. Barbieland? Jesus, what a day.

Since when had you become such a sap? So ready to let it all out over the smallest event, something as mundane as meeting someone who expressed interest in you?

Ken wasn’t just someone, you scolded yourself. Wasn’t just some guy you’d bump into at a bar, someone you’d match with on a dating app or strut up to at a baseball game drunkenly and emboldened with false courage. He couldn’t fit into a box of superlatives. Refused to be defined so easily.

He didn’t even have a heartbeat.

It’s too much out here, and you want to cry. Want so desperately to cry. To let it out, to experience the way you’d feel in front of someone who would never judge you for it. Who probably doesn’t even know what crying or sorrow or regret or loneliness feels like.

But Ken stills himself and listens. Fiddles with his hands like he’s never been bored before and listens to every word, hangs on them like he’s getting something out of this, like he needs to listen to a human being speak about what it feels like to be a human being. Like this is valuable information to him.

He’s so beautiful and bright and burning like the sun and he listens to all of it.

“It would be the easy thing to just keep you here. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m sorry about that. It would be so easy to. Accept this, accept you and. Not even question it. I mean, Jesus. You came out of nowhere. Introduced yourself to me. Not afraid of anything. You didn’t even know who I was, not really. And the easy thing would be for me to take you – take it. Not even. Not even worrying about what it said about me to do that.”

Your throat is rubbed raw, the honest and vulnerable tears tugging at your eyes, but you can’t do that right now. Don't want to turn over and show your dark, clingy underbelly to Ken when he's only just met you and only thinks shining, sweet things about you, like you could never be capable of letting him down.

Not when it matters, when someone is pegging you as their lifeline, their sole source of connecting themselves to humanity.

Ken just squeezes his pink, worry-chewed lips into a thin line and continues to listen. He has nowhere else to be. Why would he? He’s pale and shining and gorgeous.

Swells of his arms filling with the afternoon sun. There’s nowhere else he wants to be but right here, barefoot and open and accepting of what you need to get off your chest, like there’s the perfect space right in his heart to fit it all in, to understand it even if he’s struggling to get what you mean. 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I think that there’s. I think there’s something about you that makes me want to be careless. And that’s not like me, at least not right now.”

“But I don’t feel careless when I’m with you.” Ken states, like it’s easy, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Something breaks deep inside you, it's thick and presumptuous, and you feel pressure thickening in the base of your gut, like you might puke or scream or maybe a combination of both.

“I’ve been careless of you. You might not realize it, but. I have been. It’s not cool. I don’t feel that I’m doing the right thing.” 

“Well. What can we do that will make this better?” The question that’s been dancing on his lips, that’s been tearing him asunder finally comes to light. 

You wring your hands in front of you, already craving another cigarette, craving liquor, craving an out from this. The urge to scrape something sharp against the meat of your arm comes to you. You ignore it. Swallowing down the urge to punish yourself.

It’ll be alright. Just approach this logically. Do the right thing.

Do the right thing.

And don’t mess it up.

“I think I would feel better if you went back to where you came from.” 

The words smolder between the two of you, more fiery and loaded than you intended, and Ken bristles at your words. Expecting rejection. Waiting for a slap to the face.

"You want me to leave?"

“Hold on. Not like that, I mean. I think I would feel better if you went back to… you know.”

“Barbieland.” Ken states, and it’s too small, it’s puny. It’s not how you want him to sound. So beaten down and insecure.

“Right. And I think you should really consider whether or not you want this. Living in the real world. Because it’s tough, and. Ken, it’s difficult, it’ll rip you apart from the inside out. People are unpredictable. They can be loving and gentle, but… not every moment you spend here will be fun. Not every friend you make here will have your best interest at heart. They’ll take advantage of you and bleed you for what you’re worth. They’ll toss you around and spit you out and not think anything of it.”

The twirling light in his pupils dies out then, fizzles in a way that's tangible, like you could reach out and touch it to feel how real it is. Ken seems to not understand what you’re saying, but stares at you still, picking at the ends of his sleeves with great effort.

"Is it... you're sure it's not me? Because (Y/N), If I did something, I hope you know you can feel free to let me know. I won't get upset." It twinges at your insides. Makes you clench and tongue at the roof of your mouth. There isn't anything that gets past Ken, is there?

"No, that's. That's not it."

"Okay."

“I’m not saying I will do all of that to you.” You turn then to face him, waving your hand in general as if summarizing everything you'd just said, fighting the instinct to pull another cigarette out of your purse, to hide from what you’re feeling. The truth you need to communicate to him so real and regrettable and honest.

“I just want you to gather as much information as you can before you decide this for yourself. Your life. I don’t know what it was like for you before. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe our world seems like a sanctuary compared to where you’re from. Maybe it seems like a hellhole.”

Ken doesn’t say anything, just watches your every move intensely, watches your back as it contracts and spreads out with anxiety. Working to pick the right words, the intricacies of what you wish you could articulate.

“But that’s how it is here. I think you should be aware of what you’re getting into. I don’t have all the answers and I need you to understand that. I’m not perfect. I’m not. Not… what you probably think I am. But if you speak with your friends, and others who can build on what I’m telling you, and after everything you still want to come back, I promise you will have a place here, I promise that you can stay with me and that. That I’ll do my very best to show you the ropes and show you everything I have learned.” 

Ken appears deep in thought, tendering his hands fretfully, doesn’t speak for a moment. When the silence continues for minutes, you wonder if he’s given up entirely on speech. 

But then he finally announces, with a measure of confidence you’ve never seen before, “Okay. I will accept this ultimatum, (Y/N). I will go back to Barbieland and ask all the Kens and Barbies what they know about the real world. And when I come back, I can even ask Barbie what she thinks. If she thinks I can do it.”

There’s a tepid, unsure quiver to Ken’s voice when he says this, stumbling over his words like they weren’t ready to come out, not yet. “But you should know something about me, too.”

“What’s that?” You reply, stomach churning with a wistfulness, an aching that isn’t familiar. Might not even be yours to feel.

“When I come back, I want to see you smile. I want you to show me your neighborhood. And what Willa eats. There’s no way I could forget about her. Do you accept my terms?” Somehow you get the impression that Ken isn’t talking about your guinea pig – not entirely, not all the way.

“Yes. I accept. I promise.”

“Promise?” Ken sticks his thin, golden hand out to clutch onto yours, and like it’s burial rites or heartfelt wedding ceremony vows or something precariously in between, and you reach your hand out right back and shake on it. It's real now. Set in stone. Something Ken won’t soon forget. Would never back down on.

"Yes, Ken. Yes."

When he leaves your apartment, you’re reeling, basically unable to look at Willa, the tiny living thing Ken’s connected with so deeply. She sniffs at the air like she's missing something. It hurts. Pathetically, you find it difficult to open your laptop and answer another email. To pretend to be sociable. Capable.

Ken doesn't ask for the address to your apartment, doesn't ask for your phone number, your last name or anything. He seems to believe that he can find his way back to you on instinct and willpower alone.

You think of Ken asking you about bananas of all things. Caring so much about your wellbeing that he threw away your cigarette. An otherwise complete stranger, so blisteringly entrancing that it makes you numb.

Dejectedly, you curl up on your couch, inhaling the smell of Ken so present and dominant in your apartment, that fresh smell, and you bite your fist with a sharp gasp. Shutting your eyes with extreme force, you fight the tears that spill unceremoniously down your tired, tired face, confused and spun around from the inside out.

[robynstumpytail]

Weblena Week 2024 Day 7: Free Day - Remix Day

hey yall! last minute entry to weblena week! ive been having a lot of fun keeping up with it, so heres an excerpt from a weblena fanfic ive been working on abt lena's mental health and growth through the series for the free day. this is the last part, the most explicitly shippy, taking place after the end of the series. its my first time publishing my own fanfic, so i hope u like it!!

The fire crackled. Lena sat on her couch across from it, watching it flicker back and forth. It was the only light in the room. It had been years since she last saw Magica, longer since the worst of her control. Still, old habits die hard. Every time Lena thought she saw movement in the shadows, red eyes flickering in the dark, she reflexively checked to make sure she was alone. She always was, but still. She took a sip of her hot chocolate and sank deeper into the sofa.

Her ears pricked at the sound of the door unlocking, then the door opening. “Lena! I’m home!” Webby’s voice called, one room away.

“I’m in here!” she called back, not taking her vision away from the flame. Only when she saw a flash of movement did she look. This time, it was Webby, standing in the doorway. Despite the shadows, Lena could still make out her furrowed brows, the concern in her eyes.

“Everything alright?” she said, sitting down next to Lena. Lena waited for Webby to notice the mug on the coffee table and take a sip as she gathered her thoughts.

“Yeah, just thinking,” Lena said. She paused as Webby wrapped her arms around her in a cuddle. Of course, Lena reciprocated, giving Webby a kiss on the top of her head before continuing. “I started imagining what would happen if you and I hadn’t met. I don’t even remember what triggered it. Something stupid, like maybe an online quiz. But then I just got stuck in there, thinking about how long I would’ve been with Magica and how she would’ve hurt me. It started feeling more and more real, like you were actually gone. So…” she trailed off, motioning with her mug to the fireplace. Webby knew about the ways in which they grounded her; she didn’t need an explanation.

Webby started rubbing Lena’s arm. “Okay. First off, you know that you can call me about this stuff any time, right?”

“Sure,” Lena said. “But you were coming home soon enough. Plus, I called Violet when it started. She helped.”

“Oh, awesome! Second,” she said, drawing back enough to look Lena in the eye. She hoped that her tear stains weren’t obvious, “That’s never going to happen. I’m right here, and I always will be.”

“I know,” Lena said. She squeezed Webby tighter, trying to commit it to memory. Webby’s here, Webby’s here, Webby’s here. They sat like that for a minute before Lena couldn’t resist chiming in, “Unless you find an artifact that changes the past or something.”

“Lena,” Webby groaned. “That’s not the point.”

Lena knew Webby was right. Lena also knew that she was right. “Which one is it?”

Webby paused for a minute, clearly fighting something her instincts. “...The Wall Flower of Bielefeld, but still!” Lena laughed, and Webby quickly joined in. She quickly got serious again. “Even if that does happen, I’ll find you again. I always will.”

Lena got choked up and started to feel her eyes water as she pressed into Webby’s shoulder. “I love you, Webby,” she said.

“I love you too, Lena,” she responded. They sat like that for who knows how long. Lena wasn’t counting. All that mattered was that she was with Webby. Passionate, lovable, caring, genuine Webby. She was safe.

After however much time had passed, she asked Webby, “So how was your adventure with the triplets?”

“Oooh! It was awesome! First of all, they love the bracelets you made! Second, Dewey has gotten way better at flying. He only crashed…” As Webby kept talking and Lena started to drift asleep, comfortable in her arms, she saw red flash out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t bother checking if it was Magica. It didn’t matter. Only this moment, right now, mattered.

[wygolvillage]

a new year's resolution

well, as of 2024 i’ve decided i will no longer be posting on tumblr... this shouldnt be the hugest surprise since ive been pretty critical of staff, the over-monetization of the website, the site culture, and the user experience for the past year and gradually reducing my time spent scrolling the ol’ dashboard- ive even mentioned my intent to eventually leave; well, that eventually is now! gradually ive found myself analyzing the effect that using tumblr for 7+ years has had on me, and the effects of social media in general.

ive never had to write a goodbye letter like this before. while ive joined and left several online platforms over the years, its always been a gradual fade in interest rather than a conscious decision to stop. never have i used a platform as long as ive used tumblr, over 1/3 of my life. ive grown up with tumblr, for better or worse. how do you write a goodbye for that? i guess ill have to try my best. because as important as tumblr was for me, ive recognized the way its hurt me too.

finding other avenues of online self-expression particularly has made me think a lot about this. when i edit my website i feel accomplished, happy, and content, feeling i have put something of myself out into the world, my seed to grow and garden to tend. when i scroll through tumblr i feel as if my brain is mostly idle, and when i do emotionally respond its often out of anger or annoyance, because anger = engagement and social media sites like tumblr WANT engagement. particularly because i have OCD ive found myself upset by certain aspects of tumblr discourse culture, as well- it is basically the Scrupulosity Website and much of the way i react to and interact with media has been colored by my years spent absorbing the viewpoints of said Scrupulosity Website! i even used to look up discourse topics on tumblr just to anger myself on purpose, which is a dangerous road to go down, to build up Enemies and Factions in your mind- this is how discourse culture works. the culture of tumblr teaches you to see the world in black and white, and to feel like youre always in danger of compromising your moral purity or being attacked by the morally impure. If You Don’t Reblog This You Are A Bad Person. even as someone who nowadays tries to stay away from discourse entirely, its still there in the back of my mind, because the way we interact on this website is colored by this. when im online i dont actually want to be angry all the time! in fact i like putting my effort towards more positive stuff. but additionally: tumblr made me unhappy but it also made me an addict

and yeah social media addiction sounds like a silly boomer thing to complain about but one thing i noticed when i started trying to curb my time spent on tumblr was that opening the site was damn near compulsive. we all know those “open tumblr, close tumblr, open tumblr again immediately after” memes but that did describe my behavior pretty accurately. the draw and allure of social media feeds is powerful, if i accidentally click the youtubes short tab ill find myself a half hour later scrolling through random shit i don't care about and asking well how the hell did i get here? i dont even like that stuff! tumblr is no different no matter how much the site tries to coast on the reputation of being the last social media that's a “remnant of the old web” and “has no algorithm”. i like my chronological dash but it is equally as addicting to scroll through the thousands of people ive followed over the years, as it is to scroll through the algorithmic feeds of youtube shorts, because that's just social media!

and kicking addiction is pretty damn hard. before 2023, i made two separate attempts at reducing my tumblr usage and both fell through within a week due to that addiction. for reference this current bought of thoughts about reducing my tumblr usage and making my online/irl balance more healthy, around the start of 2023 when i began working on my website and its taken me an entire year to wean myself off of the hellsite, bit by bit. theres a point where it stopped being a conscious act, and even as i was carefully whittling down how often i use tumblr with extensions like leechblock i still had that compulsion go off multiple times every day, its a really strange feeling. but now that ive found so many more ways to express myself online, i just feel more whole now... i guess what im saying is that when i post on tumblr my first instinct is to complain or wallow about something, when i post on my own handmade blog on my website i always want to talk about things that excite me or make me happy! and its been such a tangible change in the way i think and act and im certain its because of the way social media and tumblr have their own “societal expectations” and structure that is built to feed on this negativity loop.

and a lot of the biggest shifts happened when i began immersing myself in the ideals of the web revival, while creating my own website. finding things that genuinely interested me and niches i want to occupy made me so much happier. i know we make a lot of jokes about having mutuals we never talk to that mean the world to us and i do think that is indicative of something. like, when i post on a forum full of strangers i am engaging with more “face to face” (or the digital equivalent) communication than i do with years-long mutuals. how genuine are these connections, this dashboard, the enjoyment i got from that meme post ill forget in 10 minutes? (not to say that i don’t genuinely care abt my followers and mutuals. ykwim?) i can still get all the things i enjoy out of tumblr in a more curated form via rss feeds; ive been so much more proud of what i post and create and code on my website. what am i here for? i gradually realized that i am losing absolutely nothing when i “miss out” or block tumblr on my phone or what have you.

since starting working on my neocities site ive felt so much creative drive. ive created whole interactive essays and worlds and games and writings and so many things i could never host on social media. my website is a place of my very own, and ive been learning the value of focusing on what i put out into the net compared to what i take from it. its made me feel so much more fulfilled when i spend time online.

and let's not forget about staff. i have broader issues with how automattic in particular has gone about running the site. the ads only took up more and more of the dashboard, and every month it felt like there was some new paid feature doomed to never take off. all while the user experience gradually degraded. using the site without browser extensions to fix the ui and block the ads and tumblr live and all the other shit they threw all over the place makes it look like its ridden with viruses, and i think the fact that its become so normalized to feel like we have to stay in spaces that become increasingly hostile to us, even while the internet is so vast, is really strange (i mean, i also thought that way at first). but Anyway. so much time and effort was spent on features no one liked or wanted in some desperate attempt to get a little extra money, while staff members get in public fights with users who complain about getting monetization shoved down their throat. its so openly pathetic. the merch store had mostly mediocre designs and the digital tumblrmart is absolutely full of useless digital goods with free alternatives. considering this is a userbase that gladly donates to other sites donation drives for hosting costs (i.e. ao3, wikipedia, internet archive), i am shocked that staff never considered the obvious answer of a fucking donation drive once a year or so! the ceo telling people with concerns about the ads being unsafe for epilepsy to “just pay the ad free subscription” is one of the most disgusting things ive ever heard from someone officially representing such a platform. do not be fooled by the reputation tumblr has cultivated: all that it cares about is making money from you. tumblr is “in danger�� because it can't turn a profit- because a profit is all they care about!

so why stay here when im happier elsewhere, apart from the addictive compulsion? that's what ive been thinking through for nearly a year, realizing that i have no reason to, and that weaning myself off of the addiction is in my best interest. i can create and blog and have fun online and connect with others and follow other peoples work all without the need for tumblr anymore! and i think id be all the healthier for it.

over the past year ive truly fallen in love with the internet again and ive loved putting myself out there, unrestrained in ways i havent felt since i was very young. but nonetheless ive learned a lot on tumblr, ive had some of the worst and best experiences of my online life, and i dont doubt that i would be a much different person if i had never been a tumblr user for as long as i was. but i had to break out of this shell eventually.

i keep going over this wondering how i can express every feeling in my head, how i can word everything just a little better, how i can make the perfect goodbye. but i think this will have to suffice.

you can still keep up with me online here:

-explore my website: i keep it consistently updated and im always adding new things and writing new posts on my blog! you can even speak to me directly on the site! if you sign my guestbook or use my chatbox ill try to respond :) if theres anything on this list you do id like it to be this one! i worked hard on it! you can even send me chat messages on my homepage! just keep in mind it may not display everything right on most mobile browsers, but it should be mostly navigable...

you can also subscribe to my rss feed. if you don't know what rss is, it allows you to use a feed reader to keep up with updates from sites all over the internet! my rss feed will notify you whenever ive made a new post on my blog or made an interesting edit on my site id like you to take a peek at :0 convenient, right?

you can also email me at wygolvillage@gmail.com to message me directly. if you prefer im also “wygolvillage” on discord

thank you and happy new years :) thanks for seeing me off as i sail to a new sunrise <3

[bfwonho]

AITA but i dont wanna use reddit

ok you know what here is the situation. my (only recently) 20 yr old friend (i met them four years ago when we both worked at mcd) lived with their strict, emotionally abusive, overprotective parents until recently. their parents would confiscate tech for yrs at a time, wouldn't let them get vaccinated (i had to help them do that), guilt and shame them, etc. also obviously homophobic and my friend is transfem nb and queer. theyre also the eldest sibling of quite a few and had to handle the pressure of that responsibility and their parents never wanted them to do normal things like getting a car and moving out. i was always there encouraging them even when we stopped working together bc i was like fuck this naive gullible homeschooled kid has no one and they remind me of my younger sibling and im gonna be there for them as much as i can. the only reason they even got a car eventually is cus i kept telling them to so they cld move out

cut back to barely a year ago, they're still so naive and gullible they've lent like 1k+ to ppl who won't pay them back, but they still have like 10-20k in savings and now their own car. they also get into digital art with my help and get into furry porn or whatever. im like ok i guess ur an adult now do what u want. and then theyre like "ive got an online partner from CANADA!!! (we r australian) don't freak out i know it's bad but he's 30." i'm like oh god. they've been together 3 months ish and my friend RLY wants to visit their fuckass boyfriend and i'm like please be careful, please wait at least a year, i know u wont wanna listen to how i rly feel about this but at least just take these precautions. i'm also like when you do meet irl he should come here ur barely 19 and he's 30 like it only makes sense. and theyre like "thank u i promise i will do that"

and then maybe 10 or 11 months into their relationship i find out my friend is in canada with their bf, and has been for like a month, and i only know this bc they're asking if i can pick them up from sydney airport. im like errr that's pretty far away but take the train and i'll pick you up from the station and they're like ok sure! and i ask a bit more about it and find out they believe their parents have been hacking into their laptop because why else would they be suspicious that this canadian guy is their boyfriend, i'm like actually no offense but it's really fucking obvious i don't think they did that... and they're like "yeah anyway my parents are no longer picking me up which is why i need a lift, i admitted i have a boyfriend and they're calling him a pedo (and i almost agree but i just smile and nod) and so i'm not going back and taking their bs anymore, i'm gonna sleep in my car if i have to" so i offer for them to stay at my place for a few weeks.

they go get their stuff from their place, i buy them a pizza cus they havent had dinner, i help them get their stuff inside, set up a temporary bed. they tell me they plan to be out within a few days, i tell them they can stay longer if they need to, but currently their only job is doordash and they should focus on getting a real job so they can find a place and i'm more than happy to help them find somewhere. theyre the type of person to say sorry for everything and not let themselves ever feel comfortable, so i make sure they know they can use the kitchen and bathroom and everything while they're here and to not feel like a huge burden, im gonna be charging them a tiny bit of rent anyway so yeah.

now tell me why it's been over a month, they've applied to only a few places, i specifically put in a good word with them at my job and told them to call back and ask about the application and they just haven't, they've just been doordashing and filling my entire fridge and cupboard with their food, i tell them to use the laundromat cus we don't have enough space for their washing too and they end up asking if they can use our washing machine anyway (i reluctantly say yes), they destroy all my kitchen sponges on washing this one shitty pan i have cus they have to cook an entire grand meal from scratch for breakfast lunch and dinner, they wash up but i'm the only person who cleans the floors and the bathroom so now i'm feeling cramped and stressed out...

i ask my mum about what to do, she says give them 2 weeks to move out, my mum is a guarantor on my lease so in the group chat i explain the situation and say they have 2 weeks, they NEVER RESPOND and start not coming home until late at night... i'm considering moving into another place with a friend atp so i'm like yo maybe you can get on this lease and THEN they respond and start showing up again... and today i called and updated mum on the situation and her partner got on the phone, me and my sibling only got this place cus he apparently called in a favour cus we were rly struggling to find any fucking housing, and so he says "tell him i mean THEMMM if theyre not out tomorrow i will forcibly remove them" and so my sibling makes sure to tell them this face to face so they cant avoid actually responding. i also find out today that this whole time they've been flat broke (to the point they had to borrow my money just to get petrol despite doordashing like 40 hours a week) because they HAVE BEEN HELPING. PAY. THEIR GROWN ASS. SHITTY FUCKING USELESS. PARTNERS. RENT. THIS GROWN ASS MAN NOT ONLY HAD THEM PAY TO GO SEE HIM AND SUCK HIM OFF AND COOK FOR HIM. NOT ONLY WAS LETTING THEM GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA AND JUST BE HOMELESS. BUT HE IS ACTIVELY TAKING THEIR FUCKING MONEY. despite all of this i am deep down INCREDIBLY GLAD that my mum's partner put his foot down to get them out of my house and i feel guilty about it despite risking eviction cus im breaking my lease agreement by having them here loooll

tldr my 20 yr old friend has been living in my house illegally for over a month bc they refuse to go back to their shitty parents, they are however broke and don't have a stable job and their 30 yr old boyfriend is leeching off of them, and now i'm essentially kicking them out of my place within 2 days because my own housing security is at risk

[big-coyote]

hi!! this may be a weird thing to ask about but ive decided to make one of my longtime ocs a coyote therian (they were connected to coyotes since the beginning) and i wanted to ask if theres stuff i should avoid when talking abt them or doing character design?

ive done some research on my own looking thru tumblr blogs ran by therians mostly, but i mightve missed some stuff!

for now they show their theriantophy as either wearing a coyote looking onesie (which is the first outfit they ever had) or when wearing other clothes they have a tail keychain on their trousers, so i also wanted to ask if you know of any other things they could have to connect with their theriotype?

again im sorry if this is a weird question! <3

(1/2) Hello! Not a weird question at all, I’m actually very honored and happy you’ve asked! I have quite a number of OCs myself that are also therians or otherkin adjacent lol. Also if anyone else has any ideas they’d like to add/advice feel free to comment or reblog!

As for things you should ovoid I’d recommend straying away from the idea of therianthropy being inherently because of mental illness. While it’s totally okay for your Oc to struggle with mental health problems or other serious topics. I often see the stigma online where people assume being nonhuman or having a alterhuman identity means the person in question must have Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, psychosis, a delusional disorder, etc. And again while I know plenty of nonhumans who have those disorders (I have some of them) and that may effect their identities as a whole, it shouldn’t be the end all be all of their identity you know? Ovoid adding more stigma to both.

Another thing I’d stray away from is the idea of a character being a therian because of spirit animals or any mythology related to closed practices/groups. I’ve seen many indigenous people online speak about their discomfort with the word ‘spirit animal’ and how it’s been adopted into pop culture. Being alterhuman is much more then “I feel connected to this thing/this thing is just like me”, it runs much deeper then that and it is as much as a real identity as something like gender, sexuality, religion, etc. It should be taken with as much care and seriousness as those other identities because it is huge and important part to a lot of our lives.

Lastly I’d recommend avoiding making the character the butt end of the jokes. While the Oc themselves can be funny, have funny things happen to them or have funny experiences as a coyote Therian I’d ovoid making them the punching bag to other OCs. Online it’s not uncommon to see many people misunderstanding and mischaracterizing being nonhuman for a quick laugh. It be very disheartening if an OCs entire existence in a story is just “haha they think they’re a dog, that’s stupid”. Again it’s important to take any identity like being a Therian seriously instead of just being the punch line for a joke or gag.

As for the clothing I think the onesie would be incredibly cute and good to wear as well as the tail! Many therians wear tails, both real and faux fur ones, to feel connected to their identity and feel more comfortable. I’ve also known many therians who were things like jewelry with their theriotype on it, fake animal ears, t-shirts, rings, fur coats, earrings, pins/buttons, etc. Some also like collecting plushies or posters with their theriotype as well, or having stickers on their books or drawing them. Or if you’d prefer a more casual character design you could have a character who doesn’t wear any outward Therian gear and prefers to keep it low key. Both options are very valid and would be interesting to see!

But no matter what I’m sure your Oc is going to be amazing and I can’t wait to see them! Please tag me if you make any art or stories about them, or if you have any other questions feel free to ask again or DM me!

[tiktaalic]

I hope these questions don't annoy you, but whats it like working in a lab?

I'm considering the same career path cause I really like my lab classes so far

Not annoying! from what ive seen there are 3 or so types of labs, which are labs in the hospital, which are obviously a faster pace (did half of my preceptorship in one), reference labs, which get a fairly high volume since they're doing testing everybody's sending out for (did other half of my preceptorship in one), and privately owned labs which pick up samples from clinics urgent cares nursing homes etc (both of my jobs have been with private labs).

I like it! It's very routine. I have my set of tasks i do when i clock in and my set of tasks i do at the end of the night and in between I'm just sticking samples on the machines and releasing results. and there is imo enough variation to it to keep it interesting - troubleshooting failed qc, or double checking criticals, or having to do manual difs. if you're liking undergrad lab work I'm assuming you're doing stuff like pcr and gels and micro plates? which is a lot of what molecular departments do in a lab besides micro which is micro. I currently work in the core portion of a lab, which is hematology, coagulation, urinalysis, and chemistry. You really only break out the microscope for urinalysis and hem. we have a micro department that handles all the cultures, and a molecular department that does molecular testing. lots of labs have small micro factions and do lots of micro send out instead. the last lab i worked at did that. the hospital i did my preceptorship at would do plating, but then send all the plates out to be read and send out all the blood culture tubes to be cultured elsewhere. the lab I'm currently at does most cultures in house.

re: education to work in a lab you have to be ASCP certified. After I got my biology degree, I enrolled in texas tech's CLS certification program, which was 3 semesters of classes (preceptorships were the majority of the coursework the last semester). I didn't mind doing it because I was a fresh graduate and I didn't want to Career Hunt or go to grad school. so 3 sems to get a guaranteed job sounded great to me. Since I had my bio degree, I had most of the baseline credits out of the way. chem biochem ochem cell bio genetics etc etc. And the 3 sems I did were lab specific courses like blood banking, clinical chemistry, molecular methods, immunology, phlebotomy, lab management, clinical micro and hematology. there are tons of post bachelor's cls programs, and tons of them are delivered online so that you can chip away at it part time while working.

A nice thing about it is that you can get work literally anywhere. I moved to a town with a population of 90k. Applied for 3 jobs as a brand new graduate. and got 3 offer letters. the payscale's pretty variable, depending on where you are, but it is nice to know that i'm certified in like. 47 states and could get some sort of job in any of them no problem. i think once you've been certified a year you can get cali state certification, which is the route a lot of people go since cali is on the high end of the pay scale. it'll depend on what the lab you're at is like, obviously, but it is pretty difficult to get day shift positions since what a lot of places do is open internal applications for any night/evening shift people who want to move up. I work an evening shift of 2pm to 11pm and i really like it. A very common complaint i see is that there's no like... career ladder. if you're a bench tech. you're a bench tech. which sometimes gets parlayed into section leader, or section manager, but that's a years of experience thing.

My plan is to work in the same place for a couple of years so I feel more experienced, and then to take a few travel contracts which are shorter term higher pay. again, they're available pretty much anywhere, but sometimes the tradeoff is lower compensation or a worse shift or being in the middle of nowhere america. but i think it'll be fun to get paid to bop around the country for awhile. I like my job and I like that it's very secure, but I do plan to go back to school for Something Else at some point and probably shift careers. My review: good thing to do in your twenties! good thing to have under your belt in general. very dependable.

if you have other questions in general or about anything I said you can 100% msg me! Ik I had a lot of trouble finding info when I was looking into this as an undergrad

[moonjxsung]

STAR IM DEVASTATED so i have a priv twt acc right w some irls and this stay from stayville req-ed me a long time ago and i was soooo happy that i was mutuals w someone from stayville and i THOUGHT everything between us was cool? but today they unfollowed me and removed me as a follower and im devastated i dunno why they did that :((( i don't think they had a problem w me saying nsfw stuff cuz they previously tweeted things like "cancelling someone over saying smth nsfw abt an adult is stupid" and also ive seen them interact w nsfw minsung posts so i dunno if me tweeting smth like "i wanna suck flxs cock sooooo bad" couldve made them wanna break the mutual??? i dmed them too and i was like "heyy is there a reason you don't wanna be moots w me anymore </3" and not even minutes later they turned off their message perms and im devastated. its STUPID bcs they'd barely interact w me Sure but it felt nice to have a stay be my friend on my priv twt that's usually just for my irls and i </3 it's ironic that they did that too bcs just earlier today (before they broke the mutual) i noticed that my followers went down (i have a very low amt already. like. 25. not even joking) and i tweeted "yall dont wanan be friends w me anymore </3" bcs like. my followers are QUITE LITERALLY only my irls + a skz writer so i was (i think rightfully??) alarmed that the number went down!!!! man im just Sad about it and SIIIGH i know i shouldnt care so much bcs at the end of the day they're just a person online but the least they could've done was dm me back and explain why and GHFSDDSJHFKJADDSDSAAAAA you get me!?!! also im sorry i dropped this on you randomly feel free to ignore LMAAOOAOAO can i be 💫 anon? thank yew <3

(Adding 💫 to the anon list!!! Also fun fact that’s my favorite emoji of all time. Slay)

I feel like I’m the LAST person who should be giving advice abt this bc one of my mutuals and a very good friend of mine who I’d been talking to every day randomly blocked me on everything this week after me literally being there to console this person for every little thing and playing into this pretend homoerotic friendship we had even though she was clearly looking for another boyfriend and would get mad if I even called another girl pretty (???) I wish nothing but the absolute best for her but like…. The double standard is WILD. to not provide closure to a months-long friendship is just genuinely a very mean spirited thing to do imo.

(If she’s reading this, best of luck with everything and I hope you know I cared for you a lot more than you think I did. I distanced myself because you were clearly looking for someone to fill a void in your life that I could simply not fulfill, and I didn’t want to lead you on, nor be kept around like I wasn’t allowed to talk to other girls either. Regardless, I hope you know I used to sleep with my phone on full volume in case you called, and I deleted a page worth of poetry in my notes app for you I meant to deliver on your birthday. I also deleted your number so I have zero way of contacting you, but I will always be here if you need me. Take care and I love you always, I hope you still see me when you look up at the moon)

It’s not the first time I’ve lost an internet friend to the magical world of blocking, but fortunately the attitude I’ve developed towards it is that none of this is real!!! These are people on the internet miles away you’ve never met irl and they have no real impact in your life whether they remain following you or not. I’ve lost internet friends nearly a decade ago that I don’t even remember anymore. Better ones will come along!!! Especially stays! This fandom has so many beautiful remarkable people who are actually worth following and they wouldn’t cut you off like that. Sending so many positive vibes your way and I KNOW that the universe will send you some better mutuals. In the meanwhile I will be your internet bestie and I would never unfollow you for nsfw content or without some form of an explanation. And I also want to suck Felix’s dick. 🩷🫶

(I love you, don’t be so hard on yourself!!!! You’re wonderful, angel 🩷 anyone would be lucky to be moots with you)

[nanjokei]

ok heres what ive been thinking of recently

honestly its just raw emotion, i dont really mean to upset anyone or say that they're consuming anything wrong. i'll try to word things as carefully as possible (or ill mince meat as much as possible idk) because i really do not like when people assume ill intent in my words just because i use blunt language at times. (sorry its just how i talk. im not mad at you. im not yelling at you online)

but honestly i have had a long thought about it.

i'm incredibly tired of the lack of curiousity a lot of new vocaloid fans have towards the culture.

statements like "boomers expect me to know songs from 2007" or whatever. i mean, no, no one is Expecting anything from you, that is absolutely a strawman you have invented based on someone merely being surprised (often in jest even), but it's also like. you, who actively identify yourself as a big fan, have never even thought to look back? there are so many playlists and medleys you can consult. it is a few searches away, i don't care. you are not five years old. and if you feel lost you can always ask people there are always so many people just waiting to introduce someone to even one or two old songs they like.

like is it bad that i think you should be a little more passionate if you consider yourself a geek?

what is wrong with me being surprised if you don't know sakura no ame or saihate or whatever. what is wrong with me thinking that it's weird that even with the biggest producers in the world, you have 0 curiousity to look into their old works?

it's not me being old and cranky, i just think it's a little bad and disrespectful that a lot of new fans just see older songs as inherently worse or not worth their time and use them as a strawman to invent some kind of boomer boogeyman who is going after them for not knowing shiningray or celluloid or ikelenka or whatever. even though honestly you should know them. even if you only listen to it once and decide you don't like it, or hell even just know they exist without listening.

like, songs with millions of views on nnd, i want you to at least familiarize yourself, especially if the producers are still active! at the very least!

whats wrong with me wanting people to enjoy amazing music that built up an entire subculture? made by passionate people who didn't even know the scene could last as long as it did? what's wrong with wanting to share my love with another generation?

i'm not denying that there may be outliers who are rude to other fans, but come the fuck on, stop acting coy about it. you should at least be able to recognize one of either the title, sound or thumbnail of the top 100 songs from 2009. not even KNOW them, just recognize, like is that too much to ask?

like, it's something i personally struggle to understand in general when it comes to interests i'm passionate about. i'm not a pushy person by the way, i don't go around heckling people not even as a joke, so i am not even letting anyone put me in the box of "probably acted pushy and didn't realize and is now mad at the other party". like, this is not directed at casual fans. i am just thinking stuff like "why are you hostile towards the idea of learning more about your interest?" and "why are you hostile towards passionate people who want more people to get into what they like?" and "why pigeonhole yourself? learning more means more fun for you."

because what bothers me the most is that eventually it turns into accusations of "gatekeeping" and "elitism" if anyone voiced their opinion about things. i know how im wording it makes it sound like it personally happened to me but it hasn't it is just what i have observed over the years as someone who gets super into stuff and tries to immerse myself and sees other people get into fights whether its the """elitist""" or the """casual""".

why is it like this? i cannot see why wanting to share is elitism or gatekeeping. maybe elitism sure if the other party feels like they're being targeted for no reason (and im not saying it does not happen). but gatekeeping? why is it gatekeeping? wanting to share what you like with others is gatekeeping? isn't that if you told people NOT to get into it and hid it away?

like, im saying it properly so no one misconstrues what i am saying, but i understand not everyone wants or has the energy to become a big fan of something. there are so many things where i am a very casual fan!! but even then i respect the thing i am into by also acknowledging its history at the very least even if i might not ever play/watch/read/etc all of it or at all.

so like... is it bad? is it bad that i think others should have this respect too? i know this is an issue of low empathy or whatever. i have to run around in circles to understand others. i "get" it, but im also like, why cant they be like me? so i want you to know in no uncertain terms that I GET IT. I GET PEOPLE'S POSITIONS HERE. i have been thinking about this general topic my entire life

so in the end it just turned into a general sort of thing. but yeah, i don't understand why people get so defensive and act so persecuted. am i wrong in my point of view? am i just being an elitist after all? like i simply see it as "i want people to enjoy it too."

like, i thought about this stuff after seeing how passionate ado is about vocaloid. like, she is only 21 years old. she is as old as or slightly older than many new fans (though she had liked vocaloid since elementary school). she is the biggest pop star in japan right now and yet her passion has not waned. not to mention so many younger fans that do have that curiousity too. i used to think its not possible, but i see them in the YT comments, going "im 16 but i really like this era of music" and such.

like, please just open your heart. ignore the boogeymen you're hallucinating and just enjoy slowly... it doesn't have to be a study session. naturally you will just discover more songs you like from those eras

[borom1r]

hmmm 3, 5, 6, 11, 14, 20, 22, 26, 38, 40 for the fun questions meme <3

ooooooo ok these’ll b inchresting :3

3- 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

th lotr trilogy (duh), I Saw the TV Glow, The Last Unicorn :3

5- what made you start your blog?

THIS blog? suicide bait on my old blog :3

tumblr in general? a friend showed it to me in high school n i made one n my life was irreversibly changed lmfao

6- what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

ATTENTION. double edged sword. like ok i try not to let myself care abt attention and try to be rlly careful now abt who i interact with but at the same time it rlly is validating when things Get Attention. some of my favorite fics have little to no engagement :( n like yea its not healthy to create FOR engagement (fast track 2 burnout) but its also like very disheartening to put time n effort n passion into sth only for it to fizzle out in the void

but whatever. ill make weird art forever

11- what do you consider to be romance?

THIS IS SO FUNNY 2 GET bc soooo much recently has made me reevaluate like. how I perceive this lollllll

anyways short answer: idfk man!!!!!!! close friendships n romance r incredibly cloudy in my mind cuz ive got a bad case of dogbrain!!

long answer is i just don’t quantify that stuff the way neurotypical ppl do :3 ties into th autism + nonhumanity. i also think cis ppl being attracted to me is gross lol. ideal romance for me is bein held n tended to like a noble knight tends their sword. I feel love like a dog feels abt their human!!! dogbrained!!! romance is being a guard dog, being a Really Good Boy but just soooo disconnected from like. idk allosexual/neurotypical quantifiers of “romance” for me lol

+ i don’t use th label rlly but im def somewhere on th ace spectrum lol like physical intimacy is only rlly “safe” conceptually when its completely disconnected from th realm of possibility. like thirsting over celebrities or like th knight i have a crush on. + cis ppl desiring me is rlly like.. ew 😒 don’t look @ me anymore man

14- what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

UM. funnily enough im gonna do th Big Thing this summer :3 im going 2 th renaissance festival shirtless this year now tht im post op

s’gonna be scary showin off my scars but i rlly wanna go all out n celebrate finally havin top surgery. like im alive!! despite everything im alive n im happy ^_^ so cis people be damned, im gonna run around like a lil wolfguy for the first weekend!!!!!

20- favourite things about the night?

i love the moon :3

i also love how still n quiet things get

22- say 3 things about someone you love

ITS SO BRAVE!!!!!!!!! ITS LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST GUY I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO PROUD OF IT FOR HOW MUCH WORK IT DOES TO BETTER OUR COMMUNITY N PROUD OF IT FOR PURSUING TRANSITION + CANT WAIT TO SHARE MORE TRANS JOY W/ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(hiiiiiii Ly hehe!!)

26- fave colour and why?

when i was a kid my favorite colors were neon yellow n neon pink :3 they still kinda are but now i usually stick to like lime green or bright red paired w black. forest green + dark blue r gr8 too

38- fave song at the moment?

DONT ASK ME TO PICK JUST ONE???????

here r some I’ve had on loop lately: Far Away (Roadside Ghost), Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl (Broken Social Scene), I’m Already Gone (Baroness), Sex for Homework (MSI)

40- any bad habits?

oh yea i have dermatillomania lol

it doesn’t rlly bother me to talk abt bc i think “gross” stuff like that deserves to be less stigmatized— my shoulders n back are COVERRRRREED in little scars + scabs

[guiltygearpl]

Time to spread some polish sinbed propaganda!!!

Disclaimer admin 💀  has nothing to do with this. I’m not sure if I’ve told them I’m posting this. This is all me. The other admin. Be warned. I am going to ramble about these two under the cut :)

Now that we’ve got that out of the way let’s get into it.

-The only reason this is possible is because back in the day, when this all started, me and the other admin established that Grześ is bi comphet. In normal words, he is bi but he has not quite realized that he likes men yet. Bartek is gay and unaware because I said so (fucking LOOK at him)

-They are both mildly homophobic. Grześ was raised by his conservative father, which of course can’t end in anything other than lots of internalized biphobia. He also acts like a ladies man he loves flirting with women. Bartek is a reddit user which I feel explains a lot. Technically he’s not super actively bigoted but he says some questionable stuff sometimes. Enlightened ‘centrists’ actually lean in to the right and he is no exception.

-They meet because Grześ is failing BRAND SCHOOL* and needs a tutor. Desperately. Kamil was recommended to talk to Bartek, and since the price wasn’t high, he hired him.

-Bartek does not like Grześ at the beginning. Actually that’s an understatement he is genuinely appalled at how dumb that boy is. The first hour of their first lesson is a disaster, as Bartek keeps using language and terms Grześ does Not Understand. Bartek has to try and explain very basic 5th grade math to him.

-Eventually, they get somewhere when Bartek realizes the best way to get Grześ to understand something is through examples and de-structuring methods step by step, and slowly progressing forward to the actual material. He ends up enjoying the challenge of explaining things to a total idiot.

-Meanwhile Grześ is just really happy to finally understand something. He’s doing his best!

-Eventually, outside of learning, they start chatting as well. Mainly initiated by Grześ, because of course. He’s very friendly all around and loves talking. Bartek tries not to care, but the urge is too strong and he ends up showing Grześ terrible reddit memes. He does Not quite get them, but laughs anyway.

-Hey, Grześ is really good at one thing, and that’s sports. Since Bartek doesn’t care much about his attendance anyways, he eventually gets roped into going to the other’s school to watch a football tournament, even though he literally hates P.E. and anything related more than life itself. Grześ is so touched he almost cries.

-One time, during a voleyball game, Bartek goes to spectate. When Grześ notices him, he tries to wave and hit the ball at the same time and ends up accidentally hitting Bartek in the face with it. They don’t speak for a week but Grześ does LITERALLY everything to make it up so Bartek can’t stay mad.

-One Grześ learns that Bartek doesn’t really have any friends, he makes active effort to hang out with him way more, like after school and online. Bartek is, once again, unenthusiastic at first, but he now has a person other than Dalia to send reddit memes to, so he can’t really complain. They eventually become something like friends.

-They both like videogames which ends up being one of their main ways to hang out. It’s something they’re both quite good at, and they end up playing lots of competitive games.

-They mostly hang out at Bartek’s house because aside from Dalia, it’s empty and way bigger than the Kiszka family house. Grześ also hates his dad so he takes any opportunity to be away from home. It used to be hanging out at his neighbor’s place, but now he has an actual friend he can come over to play games with :)

ok ive been writing this for like 3 fucking hours and i still have more to write but i keep getting distracted to have part 1 i guess. see you when i go even more insane

- 🛏️

*i meant Szkoła zawodowa idk how to translate this. the other admin helped me but if u know a more accurate word hmu hihi

[senversum]

Opening Character Art Commission (2-3 slot available/ 2 weeks - a Month done/ depending on the complexity

Hello Everyone… first of all nice to meet you guys. you could called me Sen, I'm known as the artist for Totem Force, Unearth Your Gays, and The Onryō of Osaka.

i've been taking hiatus on digital drawing for years, the last time i did some art was in 2021, the reason for it was something im not comfortable enough to disclose in a lot of detail (im sorry) short summary of some of them (beside the covid case) are these :

in 2019 ive been living alone, which makes me have more time to work on art

but i have to come back to my parents house at the start of 2020 to take care of them and my lil sister which taking more of my daily life time

since my parents quite old i have to fully take care of the house chores and such like taking care of my lil sister education, managing the administration file and such when she have to apply for her Junior High School

managing monthly bills like electricity, water, gas, etc (not to mention that i just become unemployed to take care of the house)

i also have to manage our daily food like doing grocery in the morning after taking my lil sister to her school, preparing food for my family (cooking for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and my lil sister packed lunch)

another house chores like cleaning the house, doing dishes and such

not to mention dealing with family drama for my mentally abusive parents (the reason why i leave the house in 2019 and living on another city away from them) which taking a lot for me to stay sane

around 2022 my mom took a turn and make a mess of our life, she ended up diagnosed with bipolar and mentally unstabled state, which cause a lot of problem with neighbours and relative. she cause harmed to herself and other which ended up making me the one to blame for "not taking good care of her"

forgot to mention i also have to deal with my parents debt on top of it (dad never pay the monthly bill for years and caught in indefility, mom taking a bunch of debt from bank and loan shark, lil sister got neglected since i left the house (and yes it was me who usually take care of her since birth she basically said im more of a parent figure for her than her own parents)

there are a lot more i couldnt mention which ended up taking me to a dark places and makes my life feels too much of a burden, i was considering to end myself in 2022 (unfortunately not my first attempt considering how tiring it was to live under my parents abusive tendency in my youth)…

it tooks me a while to get a grip on myself again, but i decide to keep on living my life in hope it get better, not to mention i hate the thought of burdening other people by taking the easy way out, i still owe a lot of people, and my lil sister still need me to keep on taking care of her, and i dont know what will happened with this house if theres no one to take care of it

im not talking to any professional yet but talking with some close friend online does help quite a lot in sorting out my thoughts.

im stable enough now to deal with my daily life in this house, and im planning to stick with it until my lil sister graduated from her high school in around 3-4 years in the future. in my vision she will be old enough to taking care of herself then so i could get my rein back to focusing on my own life

Long story short im slowly getting back on drawing digitaly since 28 march this years, and lets be honest… i couldnt fully work on my backlog without earning any income for my living cost while im at it, so hopefully by taking another comission alongside my overdue list i could get through all of it. and please dont worry and thinking i will neglect your commision, i will give my best to finish it within 2 weeks - a month (depending on the complexity of it). you could talk more detail with me if you decide to take my service offer

Im thanking all of you for even considering reading all this stuff, sorry for the long post and thank you..

TL:DR im opening character art commision for like 2-3 slots, you could find more of my samples here :

and i will post my commission sheet here :

once again sorry for the long post, and please contact me if you are interested… thank you <3

[moroser]

just journaling about my year and stuff. not doing that well but i’m also okay.  

i try every year to make this time of year more bearable but it just is not. i feel like i spend most of december distracting myself in any way possible so i don’t have to confront anything from this month or the year ending, reminding me of a lot of my failures and sorrows and far-from-reach desires. 

this year was not very good for me. i’ve been sick for four years now and still don’t know what’s wrong. my goals feel so unreachable but i made new ones this year. possible goals if i can manage to get through some obstacles, like feeling sick. 

loneliness has been a strong feeling this year. it’s hard for me to make friends in general and i actually have none offline. i feel sad sometimes about that, but mostly just unlucky that all my online friends live so far away. i have a hard time around people because i feel so different from most. i tried to make new friends online this year but it feels like what always happens, no one really sticks with me. i feel very forgettable that way.

i realized this year i’d really love a girlfriend again!! but its hard to sort out how to even go about that. i’m older now. i’ve spent so much time alone. and i’m grey ace and i think aromantic. but i know i’d do so well with a life partner. someone who understood me and me them. 

i feel so behind in life. i missed most of my 20s. almost all of them. i lost them to bad relationships, mental illness and addiction and chronic illness. ive always tried so hard. i’ve always been dealt unlucky hands and worked around it. but somewhere i lost any drive i had to help myself. i really truly wanted to die. i truly felt i deserved to die. i had planned to die, on this day. two different years. i don’t want to die anymore, but the feeling lingers. 

i managed, somehow, to quit my addictions in 2017 and i have been sober all this time. i smoke weed, but i don’t consider that a huge issue, though i wish i smoked less lol. but i detoxed alone for a week in a basement, sweating and with chills, throwing up. i did everything related to my addiction in secrecy. no one around me knew and it just made me feel even worse. because no one around me has ever really cared i was there and i’ve always felt unwanted. and i just felt really invisible. i detoxed twice because the first time, i relapsed. almost checked into a center but i said no i can do this and so i did. i stopped drinking alcohol and i stopped drinking energy drinks all around the same time i quit opioids. i’ve been really proud of myself for everything related to recovering from this period in my life. it’s the strongest thing i’ve ever done for myself and i did it alone.

i’ve always done everything for others and worked hard for praise from adults in my life. i rarely got it. there are so many things that impacted my life negatively out of my hands that i will never get validation for. i’ll never get apologies for. it’s hard to swallow that a lot of the time. but at the same time, it feels like something i’ve always known and carried forever. i’m just aware enough now to really understand. i’m aware enough to know that you have to be your own cheerleader a lot of the time and i am so bad at that. 

i found out this year, and this is actually hard for me to admit because of idk autistic reasons probably, that i want to have a baby. i want one child and it admittedly helps in driving me to fix things and get a career. i’m applying to school in january for spring classes to get everything going. it’s hard to do things for just myself. keeping this in mind, that i’m doing it for more than just me, helps. 

my grandpa passed away in july this year. it was unexpected but also expected. he’d been battling heart failure for several years and already had lived many years passed his original prognosis. he died in his sleep, in the house he built himself and lived in for 60 years. my gran is devastated of course but stronger than i thought of her. 

with his passing i moved into their house so i could take care of my gran. i already was taking care of them, but from my prior living space which was a dungeon. a prison. a horrible place. living with my gran has it’s stresses and difficulties but it will be better here, for me. and i hope for her. we have a really good relationship. besides my cousin she is my closest family relationship. 

overall this year was not wretched. but it was mentally difficult. physically exhausting. and demanded a lot of my strength to keep going. but i’m on new medication, i have an easier time remaining positive overall. but man i feel like the saddest person ever. lol. i just feel so sad and lonely and i question what it is i did in a passed life to deserve how hard it’s been since forever. i’m 30 and so lost. i hope 2023 is a little better. i guess that’s all i can ask. 

[petewentzisblack1312]

hi i wanted to ask something but also share something personal as well. my q is: do you feel like your relationship w social media has changed? meaning, do you catch / notice when you are on it for too long and you start to notice, and then you say: okay let's take a break. for me, i have been online for a long time ever since i was a kid, and now my relationship to it is i only limit myself an hour to being on my phone. as an adult now i am no longer social media "obsessed". like, when i am in school i am not thinking about online, i am present when im at school. i feel like i am really close to just deleting sm tbh. it does not grant me happiness like it used to. now as an adult i feel this need to live my life freely.

i also wanted to ask what are ur thoughts on content influencers? to me when i see these ppl i think...i could never post about everything about my life, but then again understanding that it is just a highlight reel. no one is posting every sad / frustrating thing that happens in their life as influencer, only the "great" parts.

this is an interesting question! i think ive never really had a relationship to social media where i feel like i need to post constantly or felt pressured to share everything. while im definitely the most online out of my household, compared to a lot of other people im not really very present online. i dont like using twitter, i only really use instagram to look at and post art and occasionally post a picture of my cat or nature or food on my main account, i dont really get up to much and i never use facebook unless i have to. i hate it. even here on tumblr i dont post a lot about my personal life unprompted, and this is the social media site i use the most by far. i do scroll tumblr a lot, i do watch a lot of youtube videos (though almost exclusively video essays on politics and recently also artist vlogs) and i do notice myself scrolling a bit too much, particularly when im overstimulated but instead of doing something less stimulating im anxious and looking for a distraction so i like. scroll harder. but ive never been like doing something else and thought 'man, i wish i was scrolling right now'. i dont really know. i do have trouble putting my phone down, like when i need to sleep, but i have trouble putting ANYTHING down. games, books, art or writing or projects im working on, music im listening to, i dont think tumblr is special, its just another activity for me to be distracted by.

all that being said, i did leave social media for a while. i had a really bad experience in a fandom on tumblr (not the pwams incident. that led me to step away from bandom and move to another fandom) and honestly it made me realise that the problem i had with social media wasnt that i was using it too much, but that i had a toxic relationship with the communities i was interacting with on there. the nature of my relationship to social media was unhealthy, not the fact that i had one that was a large part of my life. i think when i wasnt using any social media i actually wasnt in a great place either, because i was isolated from people id cared about, especially since i had just undergone a very traumatic incident, and because of that became very isolated from my in person friends as well, even before the pandemic pushed me away from even the acquaintances i had made. i was worried about coming back to tumblr, but i think ive grown and learned in such a way that i know how i like to comport myself in cyberspaces, and that its been good for me in a way. which is weird, but. i think id kind of have to go in depth about my life and how the pandemic affected me and the specific nature of coming of age in st lucia and stuff. which i dont want to do haha.

as for influencers. i hate the concept. i understand it, and i dont universally hate influencers as a whole, but like. theres this specific kind of content creator where the thing they are sharing is just their life and there isnt like a specific thing theyre logging, like an artist sharing their creative process and how they manage their life around that, or a chef sharing recipes, and its not like theyre doing it just to do it, they have the goal of growing a following, and theyre not advertising anything but themself, like JUST themself, as a person-brand, and i find that so deeply annoying and repulsive. and like thats strong wording its a dog eat dog world and the girlies of all genders need to secure the bag like i get it. i get it. but its revolting to me. like. the vlogbrothers werent trying to get famous they were using youtube to communicate with each other and as an open video diary and people found them to be interesting personalities to watch. right. do you get it. annoyingly i gotta put myself out there if i want people to find my art and pins and stuff so i have to fuckin. make videos. sell people on me. the idea of making vlogs makes me dry heave bc im not important i dont want to have to sell myself like im important i dont want to put my face on a camera and implicitly say with every quirky performed statement i make 'i matter, pay attention to me, i need to exist so look at me' but unfortunately i might have to. a video essay i could do. thats me saying something. but a vlog? with the goal of people finding my stuff? good god. it sounds like poison.

[basilverse-archive]

Tired (Vent/Rant post about online parenting)

The world sucks, my personal life sucks, the omori fandom sure as hell sucks sometimes. One of my therapy points is to move on and I have from a lot but I cant seem to move on from recent events. My therapist said its because no legal action was taken but theres nothing we can do besides report. Plus, I have other people still supporting the abusers and there's nothing else I can do besides wait for them to screw someone else over. Its now caused relapsing because they still are getting recognition despite all of our efforts to provide as much evidence as possible. I both don't get it- but also suspect that due to being blocked by a lot of people that were not toxic due to a fuck up I made before that it just hasnt been seen. Theres still dangerous people getting recognition, and theres nothing more I can do about it than sit in pain as they continue to manipulate others.

I really hate when people get away with murder- or when people support them through murder. Like you saw them get in trouble for having blood on their hands and you still repost them? Like... Are you a proshipper yourself or are you just ignorant- Idk what to think about you. Idk if Im safe, or if the people I know are safe for still being in contact. Ive always just tried my best to give all I can to my friends- especially safety- so when it doesnt work I just feel like... Like im running out of ways to protect the people I care about. Especially when it comes to younger people, I feel horrible when they have to suffer through the internet. Theyre just kids. They shouldnt have to go through emotional abuse and oppression from adults. They shouldnt have had to go through the stuff I did. Ive gone through so much on the internet that all I want to do is protect them from that stuff- but when I fail or if its not enough Its like... my experiences, my feelings, my trauma, my knowledge- its all useless because I cant keep the people I care about safe. I know this is just part of the struggle of being a parental figure, but damn... this wouldnt have had to happen if I had help- or at the very least not this bad.

Ive always been alone when it comes to helping other people, but now that its in a situation thats dangerous and Im alone- it isn't enough. Im scared for them, and I feel guilty that I couldnt do more myself. I really need a vacation. Just- somewhere safe where I can take my mind off of things- rant and feel the kind of soft comfort I need when I need it. Ive always wanted to be a parent, but I never wanted to be alone. I love watching my kids grow up and experience joys and successes- I love seeing them prevail through hardships- I love seeing them grow. For what its worth, I love my children. I love being there for them and comforting them when they need me. I love providing them with things I didn't have, but its still not enough. I'm running out of things to give them. I'm running out of options to help them. Im exhausted from working so hard to keep them safe and happy, but theres nothing more I can do for them right now than to just- sit with them and provide comfort with presence. I have so much to say but I can barely speak. My emotions are overwhelming and swirling. I feel sad and grateful for them, but I'm running out of energy.

I'm slowly killing myself from the inside out trying to make sure they live because I'm alone in my efforts currently.