#i feel like my anxiety has gotten worse lmao

[mistyechoes]

oh I was STRUGGLING last October lmao

[tamagotchikgs]

i need 2 clean my room but instead i just lay here everyday like this

[jacobglaser]

.

[alyswritings]

pitch perfect

Request: could you write a jj maybank and sister reader where her depression and anxiety has like gotten worse recently?? Love your writings!!!

Summary: JJ helps his sister when she isn't doing well.

Warnings: depression, anxiety

a/n: back from the dead! idk for how long lmao

(gif not mine)

JJ gets back to the chateau after getting some stuff from his house. He throws the two bags onto the couch, getting a beer out of the fridge.

"Hey." John B walks out of his room.

"Hey." JJ nods, taking a sip of his beer.

"Hey, so, um..." John B purses his lips, getting a beer. "Uh... Y/N -- to my knowledge -- hasn't gotten out of bed all day."

"What?" JJ asks, frowning in concern.

"Yeah. Uh... tried to, but she just-- she wouldn't move. Barely even said anything." John B says.

"Uh..." JJ scratches his head. "All right. Thanks, man."

"Yeah." John B says, walking off.

JJ sighs, putting his beer down. He grabs a water bottle out of the fridge and a granola bar before going into the bedroom. His heart strings pull at his sister's curled up form underneath the covers. He gently knocks on the doorframe, but she doesn't turn back to him.

"Hey." JJ quietly calls. He shuts the door and walks over to the bed. "You get up at all today?" Y/N only groans. "You eat anything?" He asks. He glances at the nightstand, seeing the unopened package of peanut butter crackers that John B must've put in there earlier.

"You should eat something, Y/N." JJ says. Y/N doesn't respond. "Was there a trigger?" He asks. Y/N gives a small shrug.

JJ quietly sighs, wishing he could magically heal her. Wishing he could take all of this away, it killing him that he can't.

"C'mon, Y/N/N." JJ gently shakes her. "Say one word."

"Go away." Y/N mumbles.

"Okay. We're getting somewhere." JJ says. "I'm not going anywhere, though."

"Jayje--"

"You need me. I'm not leaving you alone, dude. Nice try, though." JJ says, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Why don't we get you into the bathroom and you can take a shower."

"Don't wanna." She mumbles.

"It'll make you feel better." JJ says. "I swear, it will. Even just a little bit. Come on." He stands up.

"JJ." She sighs.

"Up and at 'em." JJ rips the blanket off.

"JJ." She whines.

"Shower time." JJ says, picking her up and carrying her to the bathroom. He puts her on her feet, Y/N leaning against the wall. "Be right back." JJ goes back to the bedroom.

He comes back with some clean pajamas and puts them on the counter.

"Shower. Take as long as you want." JJ turns the radio on, giving her some music to listen to while she showers. "When you get out, I can brush your hair and if you want, you can go back to laying down and I'll put a movie on or something."

"You suck." Y/N frowns.

"Love you, too." JJ kisses her temple. "Shower." He orders, leaving and shutting the door.

- - -

Y/N walks into the bedroom where JJ is, the boy having the TV set up and a pile of DVDs to choose from on the bed.

"Hey." He gets up when he notices her. "I got you some water and made you a sandwich. Plus, JB had some grapes. Figured it's better than nothing."

"Thanks." She mumbles, taking a sip of the water.

"Pick a movie." JJ encourages, nodding to the DVDs. Y/N sighs, looking through them.

"Pitch Perfect." She holds the DVD out to him.

"Yeah. Of course." JJ mumbles, taking the DVD. He puts the movie in before grabbing his sister's hair brush and sitting behind her on the bed.

"You really don't--"

"Shut up." JJ tells her, grabbing the plate. "Here. Eat a little, at least." He puts the plate in front of her.

Y/N sighs, sticking a grape in her mouth. She relaxes a bit as JJ starts to brush her hair, his fingers combing through it afterwards. He soon finishes and puts the brush up, moving to sit beside her.

"You feel better?" JJ asks. Y/N just shrugs.

JJ frowns, rubbing his neck as he thinks of how to help her. He knows he can't do too much since there's no cure all to her depression and anxiety. Plus, if he pushes too much, she can tend to push him away.

He knows he just needs to keep a closer eye on her and make sure she's eating and taking care of herself somewhat, at least. JJ kisses his sister on the head before moving his attention to the TV, watching the riff-off.

[teddybeartoji]

hey, uh, fellow anxiety sufferer with maybe helpful advice? hopefully?? feel free to ignore if this doesn't vibe with you!

so, my anxiety has gotten a LOT better over the years. like, a lot. but when it was more frequent, i would get chest tightness too and i hated it.

so, what i basically learned is that the physiological reason you feel that tightness is because your brain has responded to your anxious state by producing two hormones, namely adrenaline and cortisol.

the fun thing about these hormones? they don't really dissipate if you sit around. other hormones? to my knowledge, yeah. these guys? no. no, they often get worse.

that's probably why it's bad when you're at home, if you're not doing too much physically. sitting when your anxiety is high can backfire if you're being pumped with adrenaline.

the adrenaline is there to get you up and moving to escape danger. it wants you to move.

the cortisol is the the body's stress response. it will turn off your body's ability to relax, and it will continue to do so until you get rid of it.

so, by sitting around and trying to relax to lessen it? usually makes it worse. like. super worse, potentially.

now, breathing exercises and mindfulness are really helpful! for sure! gentle exercise is pretty good when it's low-mid levels of anxiety. walking and aerobic exercise are good for those moments.

i try to walk around 30 minutes a day (if i can fucking time crunch it), and it's been helpful for me, honestly.

the thing about "oh, you should exercise more" people would tell you when i was struggling really kind of ticked me off (because, hey, there's a lot more to it than that!) and kind of made me more reluctant to exercise, honestly.

however, once i figured out what i enjoyed doing and that it was really just for me? yeah, i liked it.

my best advice, perhaps, is for when the chest pain gets really bad. if you ever feel like you're going to have a panic attack and you want to avoid one, the best thing you can do is REALLY INTENSE EXERCISE.

LIKE. DROP AND GIVE ME OVER 9000!!!!

seriously, just drop and do as many push ups if you can. can't do push ups, make it easier by laying on your knees or performing something that's more comfortable to you.

also, if you can, run. specifically, LIKE YOU'RE BEING CHASED BY A BEAR. just GO FOR IT.

because the adrenaline is specifically designed to make you run away like you're running from a fucking bear. by doing so, you cut down on the adrenaline, and your body feels like it has successfully escaped the imaginary bear that is threatening you. and it calms down.

so you calm down.

do whatever strenuous activity you can really intensely until you can't anymore or just feel done, and after you catch your breath, the feeling should be lessened.

otherwise, a different avenue to try may be intense distraction. like, not lowkey distraction like watching tv. something that requires a lot of attention. try doing a really hard puzzle, quizzing yourself on subjects you like, whatever really actively engages your mind.

a combo of physical and mental engagement might be helpful, too. whatever feels good or works for you. the tightness can be really annoying (or distressing when you're not feeling great), but there are things to be done for it! the tightness can get better, and with attention, it likely will. go for it!

moral of the story: RUN LIKE A FUCKING LUNATIC IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER!!!

NONNIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!1111111 YOU ARE AN ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVENNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! me a proper homebody watching you say that just sitting around won't do me any good O . O lmao NO BUT BUT BUT THIS IS VERY GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've been thinking about doing yoga again,, okay it's not very intense per se but i feel like that would still probably help right.. ?

and goddd i actually really fucking love running!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not that i'm any good at it but it's so fucking fun lmao i do have some . things that keep me from doing it though that always just sound like i'm trying to look for excuses and i fucking hate that i wish i could just put on running clothes and just go and do it .

YOU DID JUST REMIND ME THAT I HAVE A JUMPING ROPE THOUGH THAT'S ALSO SMTH I USED TO DO A LOT AND I LOVED ITTTTT i think i've been taking steps back lmao i think i've lost the progress i managed to make a few years ago sighhh this is good though this post this ask. it feels like a very needed gentle bonk on the head hgsdhgadhgashg SO THANK YOUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM KISSING YOU SOOO SOOO SWEETLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ILYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[karai1111]

not sure how to name this thing

(Sick Jeongyeon and her caretaker y/n)

(Author's note: First time I ever post anything I write that is not emotional dumping. Wrote this when I was at my peak fan time lol. Hope it's readable and is not too bad. Also I have people who knows me irl on here so HOPEFULLY yall won't judge me lmao the girl needs some escapism sometimes.)

Jeongyeon has a habit of hiding her problems from others until everything gets too heavy for her to bear. Whether it is an injury, an illness or mental discomfort, she’s usually the one to suck it up and stick it out.

“It is hard to open up” as she always says with a guilty smile. Tears were shed, you both used to intensely fight and bicker because of this. There was a period of time when the silent treatment you both used got so loud that it’s deafening. That was a difficult journey.

Jeongyeon has gotten a lot better though, you could see it in the way she got more attached to you. Your relationship with Jeongyeon has grown deeper over the years, even though Jeongyeon has been with other people longer than you. “It's the comfortable feelings I get when I’m with you. With other people I always get the urge to take care and protect them, but with you I feel protected and cared for instead” Jeongyeon always tells you. You never really know how to respond to that, so you just smiled at her, you’re not the talkative kind afterall. Jeongyeon knows you though. She knows you’re happy to make her happy and that is more than enough. 

_______________________________________

Jeongyeon’s health usually deteriorates during the colder months. She used to self-isolate herself, as she called it “hibernation” but in reality you know well that she’s purposely trying to avoid everyone. The isolation got worse as her health kept declining; to the point that one time you drove yourself to a near panic attack episode while calling an ambulance because you found an unresponsive, feverish Jeongyeon passed out on the floor. 

That led to another round of both of you crying together. 

_______________________________________

This year is no different, even though Jeongyeon’s health has improved a lot, it still couldn’t adapt to the cold weather. Although, she has been slowly learning to lean on you more and more.

“Y/n…” Jeongyeon softly called out for you, the panic shown visibly in her shaky voice. She tried to feel for your presence but nothing was there, your side of the bed was scaringly empty. The anxiety inside her grew more and more, along with the immense loneliness and sadness, all washed over her. She needs you, why aren’t you here? You’ve been telling her to open up more, now she does but you’re just gone?

“I’m here I’m still here” a familiar soft voice suddenly spoke up, reassuring her “I didn’t go anywhere”. Your voice echoed in the dark, that seemed to sooth Jeongyeon a lot. Her face softened, her breathing calmed as she tried to crack her eyes open to look at you. Even though it’s dark and the fever is causing Jeongyeon’s eyes to blur, your silhouette is still very much visible to her. You smiled at her, gently swiping the forming tears in the corner of her eyes, confirming that you’re here with her. 

____________________________________

Jeongyeon’s fever has broken out in the middle of the night, which caused you to jolt up from the bed and scrawl to find her some medicine. When you came back, the first thing you saw was a helpless Jeongyeon trying to call for you. ‘Like a puppy trying to find its mom’ you think, then let out a sigh. 

You looked back at Jeongyeon, you can see that her half-opened brown eyes still stopped on your body. “Go back to sleep Jeongyeon” you say, which almost sounds like an order. She frowned, and seemed to be very dissatisfied with your stern tone. Jeongyeon huffed then turned away, pulling the blanket over her head, refusing to face you any longer. That made you chuckle. 

Eventually you did wake her up again to make her drink the medicine you have prepared. 

____________________________________

As you were stirring the congee slowly heating up in the pot, a pair of arms began to wrap around your waist. Jeongyeon has woken up and made her way into the kitchen to find you. You’re always in the kitchen afterall, so even when her mind is hazy, she knows to look for you in this familiar space. “Morning honey” you turn to face her red feverish face “Are you feeling any better?”, you asked as you tucked her hair behind her ears. Jeongyeon shakes her head, burying her face in the crook of your neck, you can feel her arms tightened around your body. She mumbled “...Just tired.”. 

Jeongyeon sounded like she was about to cry, her voice came out quite nasally, she cried a lot when she’s sick. She has you now though, so she won’t have to cry alone anymore. You placed your hand on the back of her neck then ran your fingers into her hair, gently massaging her pounding head. “It’s okay, I’m here with you...Let's go sit down, it’s not good for you to stand for so long” you gently coaxed her, she nodded as both of you made your way to the nearby couch. You sat her down, placing a few pillows behind to support her back. Jeongyeon sank into the pillow as you draped a thin blanket over her. “Are you not gonna sit with me..?” she asked, “I will I will, wait for me a bit” you answered. You waited for Jeongyeon’s approval before getting up to get back to your pot of congee. It's what your mother usually made when you’re sick, so naturally, you continued that tradition and made some for Jeongyeon. 

The steaming bowl of congee was placed onto the coffee table, you kneeled down next to the couch, rubbing Jeongyeon’s cheek to wake her up. “Yoo Unnie, time to wake up to eat”, Jeongyeon definitely heard you but it took a while for her to be able to get out of the sleepy state. She’s still groggy though but managed to sit up anyway. 

“Ah, smells good” Jeongyeon commented after seeing the bowl of congee. “I used the chicken stock you made last week, so that's probably why” you answered honestly, scooping a spoon full then raising it up to her lips “Time for you to finally eat”. “I can feed myself you know?” Jeongyeon playfully said with her hoarse voice but she took it anyway. The congee was a bit hot, making Jeongyeon whine and you quickly became really apologetic. It tasted good though, Jeongyeon laughed the near burn experience off and slowly finished the entire bowl. 

“That made me feel so much more comfortable” Jeongyeon sat back, leaning onto the soft cushion. Fulfilling meals always make Jeongyeon happy and contend, especially when she’s feeling terrible mentally or physically, or both. You smiled. Food is Jeongyeon’s therapy and cooking is her love language. No matter how tired she is or how busy she gets, Jeongyeon always finds the time to prepare a meal for you. Even when her schedule is tight, she still manages to whip up something for you to enjoy. “I know how good food makes you feel” you said while sitting down next to her. Jeongyeon immediately started to lean onto your body, taking your hand in her lap and gently rubbing her fingers through your knuckles, her soft skin gliding onto yours and you can feel her feverish warmth. “Ya…” she responded “I love food but I love the meaning behind it more. Maybe that's why I love home-cooked meals, because you can really tell how much your chef loves you”. That made you chuckle a lot. You didn’t say anything after that, both of you just let the atmosphere sinked into a comforting silence. Jeongyeon holding your hand while you play with her hair until another wave of tiredness washed over her, making Jeongyeon drift back to sleep. You gently lowered her back onto the couch, careful as not to wake her. You brushed her bangs onto the side while placing a cooling rack on her forehead and took a while to watch her sleep. ‘Jeongyeon is like a princess’ you think, she has always been beautiful in your eyes and that thought had never once changed. 

[foervraengd]

.

so i had my very first anxiety attack today at work.

It happened when i was in our Quiet room, so fortunately i didnt cause a scene among my coworkers. It wasnt work related but work sort of made the cup spill over i guess? It was very surreal, my sobbing turned into hyperventilating, had cold shivers, body felt like jelly and both my hands felt numb and tingly as if there was no blood flow in my arms. All while i was crying from worry about some private things i don’t wanna share on here. I had never experienced this feeling in my body from crying before so i messaged my hr via slack for help.

She came over and helped me calm down and now i got a number to call tomorrow to book an appointment with a psychologist. It’s something i knew i should gotten around to sooner or later anyway, so im just glad that my job helped me w the first step.

I like, never thought i needed therapy or go to a psychologist because, while yes i did experience the occasional anxiety and had some not-so-ideal tween years, i never considered me feeling shit enough compared to the state of a lot of friends i know - they had it way worse than me, so i assumed i felt good enough to not need help. But ngl this year has def not been good for me, i’ve never felt so separated and detached from my friends - both online and irl - as i do right now. And we just managed to prevent crunch at the last minute with the game i’ve been working on. So it’s like, stress, impostor syndrome, loneliness and the more private stuff i dont wanna mention. So yeah. Hmm. maybe i do need to see a professional lmao.

[hatinngthis]

rant for today:

At my job we aren’t allowed to call in ever. We have our days off picked a year in advance and get a total of 11 weeks off throughout the year paid. So we can’t call in, even if you’re super sick you’re expected to be in the office. Like I’ve been in office with a 103 fever and no voice and still had to help patients and answer the phones.

Well today, I woke up not feeling good at all. Super sick, stomach hurting insanely bad, nauseous, terrible anxiety because of nausea.

Came into work and still feel awful, if anything it’s gotten worse. Trying to power through but my anxiety is soooo bad that I’m just freaking the fuck out. Like can’t even think straight. Genuinely feel like I’m going insane right now.

Asked another girl if she’d be willing to come in and cover for me for the rest of the day and even offered her more pay ontop of what she’d already be paid. And this bitch says she can’t because she has to pack for her trip… SHE LEAVES ON FRIDAY- ITS MONDAY.

go fuck yourself lmao. Someone’s mostly begging you to just come in and help me out and you still say no.

Maybe I’m just not in the right state of mind right now and acting delusional and dramatic about this but I’m pissed and think that’s such a selfish thing to do. Especially because I do anything and everything to help EVERYONE ELSE all the damn time.

And my piece of shit boss forces everyone to come in sick and just sit here absolutely miserable working in a HEALTHCARE OFFICE. Just blows my mind.

I need out of here.

Ok my rants over.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[whinlatter]

Hello! I just read the latest chapter of Beasts and I am, once again, blown away by your skill. I don’t usually read fics in the HP fandom (not sure why, to be honest- there are so many good ones!) but yours are far and away my favorite of the works I have read. (Re: Beasts, I would like to note that your portrayal of Hermione is dead-accurate and delightfully layered. I appreciate the kindness with which you write her, as neither a saint nor a monster— just a deeply traumatized teenage girl.)

I’m not sure if you dispense writing advice on here— if not, feel free to ignore the following— but if you are, I would love some pointers! I’m sure part of it is my anxiety talking, but I find whatever I write to be irritatingly juvenile. You do such a wonderful job of bringing nuance to your works, and I’d appreciate any guidance you have for amateur writers looking to take their fics to the “next level,” so to speak. Also, on a broader level, any tips you have about nailing characterization would be very welcome. I know the ultimate answer to my questions is simply “time and practice,” but I have a genuine desire to improve, and I figure there’s something I can do to hurry the process along.

In the interest of not wasting your time, I’ll wrap it up here. Many, many thanks!

Oh man, I’m blown away by this comment, are you kidding me? Thank you so so much. You really don’t know how much that means to hear (saving this to look back on on a rainy low self-esteem day).

On writing advice... I'm always a bit hesitant about offering writing advice, even though I have benefited so so much from other people’s advice over the years in lots of different ways (probably because I suspect few of us ever really see our own work very clearly). This is also sort of hypocritical of me because I literally teach (non-fiction) writing as part of my job, lol, but maybe this is my imposter syndrome syndroming.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this question since you sent this, and wanted to say something that might be useful. I actually ended up going back to the (very bad) fanfiction I wrote about 15+ years ago for another fandom (I will not be linking this here lmao), to see what I do differently now and what I’d gotten better at. This was both a very unsettling but also very cathartic process, lol, because I think I’ve gotten a lot better since then (though, truthfully, it couldn’t have gotten much worse).

So, having done that, I’ve tried to put some writing advice and reflections and thoughts below that I think I’ve learnt since I first started writing and that I feel I’ve found out the hard way (by getting it wrong first time around). My points below are more ‘what I admire in other people’s work and ‘what I would like my writing to do’ rather than me thinking I do all these things well all the time, especially on the nuance and characterisation questions. Some are going to sound super obvious but I definitely did not know them once and have definitely had to work to learn all of them, so I really hope they’re useful to you all the same.

Having now sat down and read my truly truly dire past fanfiction (which has a lot of reviews on it telling me, in no uncertain terms, how and why the work sucked), I think these are the things I wish someone had told me or the things I've learnt after a long long time of getting it extremely wrong...

Writing should answer a question, or a series of questions. I think the big shift from the fanfiction I used to write is that I would start from the premise of ‘I want to write these two characters in X setting’ or ‘I want to fill in Y missing moment’. It’s not that these are bad premises - often, fic ideas start this way - but there needs to be a step after this idea before the writing happens, which is the ‘what question would this answer and what would the answer be’. To give an example, for Orchards I always wanted to write a Harry/Ginny summer teenage love story, but I never really thought of it as answering a question, and so every version I could imagine doing of it was unsatisfying. It was only when I realised the question I had was how does someone fall in love and not realise it (and, I guess, and what do they do when they’ve realised it too late?) that I was like ohhh ok, the fic needs to answer that question, and the conceit is how do we get from A (not being in love) to B (falling in love, but not knowing it) to C (knowing it, and being tormented by knowing it). The later layers the fic took on and that I now like so much - flashbacks, use of the future tense to switch to a period where Harry knows he’s in love but can’t do anything about it - all came after that realisation, and I think the fic is more satisfying for me as a writer because it answers a question I had always had in the back of my mind but hadn’t made conscious.

Show, don’t tell - so, signpost, but give the reader credit. Work that I really admire and take the most from is work that doesn’t beat the reader around the head with the point of each scene. You don’t need to tell the reader how x character is feeling. ‘Ginny felt angry because she thought Hermione was being dismissive of other people’s feelings’ - that’s a note to yourself as a writer more than it needs to be expressed so obviously written to the reader. On a first draft, maybe you need that line to be written out as you figure out how characters are feeling in that scene - that’s completely fine. But as you edit, think of ways you can show that kind of emotional response without coming out and straight up saying it. Try to cut lines that state emotional responses so starkly and jarringly, because they take the reader out of the flow of the scene. How might Ginny as a character show she’s pissed off in ways that are legible to the reader (especially a reader of fanfiction, who is familiar with her)? How can we show Hermione being dismissive (not making eye contact, for instance, or saying curt, dismissive statements that shut down the conversation). This relates to the next point which is… 

Make the setting work for you - or even let it be a character in its own right. It’s rare in any form of fiction writing that the setting or the activities around characters are incidental. This is especially true for HP, where the author uses the setting throughout to both build a sense of atmosphere but also parallel/symbolise the dynamics of the scene at hand, like little winks to the reader. The weather is often the most obvious way of doing this. As the author, you play god - the weather is exactly what you want or need it to be to best serve the scene. That doesn’t mean necessarily happy scene has to = sunny, or sad scene = rain,, but it could mean torrential rain = huge release of something pent up that’s been building for hours (think of the rain pounding on the tent when Harry and Ron have their screaming match in DH - it’s like a fourth character in that scene), or too-hot sun = rising pressure, huge discomfort, feeling prickled and angry and trapped with no shade (think of Harry at the start of OotP, in the heatwave). It doesn’t have to be weather, either. If you want to show how a character is guarded, struggling to let another character in, why not have them have the conversation hovering in a doorway, with the door partly closed? If you want to write a scene where two characters are thinking about their future together and really getting somewhere emotionally, why not have them have the conversation in a moving car, heading towards a meaningful destination (you could even have the instigator of the conversation in the literal driving seat, if you want to suggest dynamics of control or maturity). These are just examples, obviously, but the writing I really admire does this so well (and rewards re-reads for that reason).

Find a motif or a hook. This is more a personal preference, but I love reading pieces of writing that have a clear framing. The post-war summer fic I’ve been working on for nine thousand years lol only really started coming quicker once I finally found a conceit - an image, really - that worked for me (the fic is called Rubble, and the conceit is: how do you literally build a house that is a family home, as a way of thinking about rebuilding after the war, told around the Weasleys as a family). For Orchards, there are a few motifs: ‘the truth’ as a character; ‘truth or dare’ as a game, but also as a metaphor for Harry and Ginny’s early love story, and Quidditch (love is a quaffle). In Beasts, I have motifs and hooks that I hope to stretch over the entirety of the fic, not least this idea about beasts and beings and the hubris and the monstrousness of the wizarding world - I wanted to write a postwar fic for a long time, but I didn’t have a conceit that allowed me to get at the type of story I wanted to tell for ages. Within each chapter, I also like to have a little motif: so chapter two it was ‘coming back’, chapter three it was sleep and dreams, chapter four it was the soul/what makes a person who they are, chapter five was the sea. Some of these were more successful than others lol, but it helps me to fashion and discipline a piece when writing and when editing/cutting to think: everything in this piece, in some loose way, needs to link back to this theme I’m trying to thread through.

Make sure people sound/think/behave like people. I’ve put points specifically about characterisation below, but this is a more general point: characters shouldn’t sound like generic talking points, they should sound like real people putting together sentences. I think in fanfiction writing, because we often want to resolve flaws in characters, write about characters we love and admire, or want them to have the difficult conversations or hard confessions that they don’t do in canon, we sometimes can both idealise them and make them sound like very self-aware consistently compassionate angels who are experts at expressing exactly how they’re feeling in extremely emotionally healthy and communicative ways. It would be nice if our characters all did that, sure! But what makes for immersive, compelling writing is when characters try and struggle and fuck up and live their flaws, and sound like real living breathing failing growing people.

You probably need to lose the last line. The last line of a fic is important, but sometimes you can lose a reader who’s been with you the whole time with a clumsy last line or one that’s excessively cheesy or overly summarising or just seems like an afterthought because you wrap up. I say this as a real mea culpa because I still suck at last lines, but the best advice I have gotten on this is, if in doubt, cut the last line you were going to go with, lol. Let the scene end without the line you think is a great summative profound line or something reassuring or overly comforting for the reader. I am definitely still learning this (the end line of chapter four of Beasts I’m still considering cutting or editing severely lol - it’s too on the nose for my taste, and I don’t love it), but the last lines I do like most are always the most minimalist, sparse, simple, or even abstract. basically - if it sounds like chat gpt could write your last line (chat gpt loves an on-the-nose happy ending - eg. ‘Hermione knew it was all going to be ok after all’) then go back to the drawing board.

Embrace critique. This is a very subjective one, especially for writing fanfic. Writing fanfic is a rich and rewarding hobby but I recognise that it is a hobby and a source of pleasure, so lots of people prefer not to get constructive critique. I’m actually being a bit hypocritical here as I don’t currently have a beta for fic writing, but I do have a brutal self-editing process (oh, the scenes and sentences I’ve cut!) and I have spent the last decade of my life in academic writing and sharing my work-in-progress written work over and over and over again, often for a couple of hours every few weeks in front of a room of people more senior and much smarter than me all with my written work printed out in front of them ready to tell me what I got wrong and what I need to change or get better at, lol. This has been bruising to say the least, but it 100% has made me a better writer and disabused me of a lot of the bad habits I picked up when starting out, and kicked the ego out of me thinking I didn’t need to edit and draft and re-draft everything several times. I’ve also spent a long time reading and editing and responding to other people’s work, in the same way, and that’s also been super productive to help me think about how to better communicate written ideas, fiction or non-fiction. So I think real improvement and growth in your writing has to come from getting a thick skin and being able to take critique from people you respect, who are constructive not destructive, and who believe in your talents, your right to show them, and want to see your work presented in the best possible way.

On characterisation specifically...

Look for similar scenarios in the books and see how the character reacts to those. I go back to canon a lot to find plots that are analogous to the plots I’m writing to see how characters physically and verbally respond to them. My thought processes are like, Hermione and Ginny in conflict? Head to HBP when they clash over Harry and Sectumsempra to see how they fight lol. Need to write a Weasley ensemble scene? Head to Goblet of Fire Burrow chapters pre-world cup to see the family dynamics in full swing, and see how the text conveys warmth and love between the characters, while also attending to power dynamics and changing/fractious relationships, down to the adverbs used to describe how people speak, how they physically occupy the space. (I used this chapter a lot when writing the beach day scene for the latest chapter of Beasts, because I knew I was going to have a scene that in part shows how Bill operates an older brother, especially how he deals with his parents and Percy, but also how to distinguish Bill from Charlie when they’re often characters that can get blurred together a bit as ‘the older ones’.) I’m doing this a ton with Hermione atm, because I think she sometimes exists in fanon differently to how she appears in canon and I didn’t want to just assume I knew her speech patterns based on reading a lot of fanfiction about her, but also because Hermione, unlike Ron, doesn’t have her existential crisis within canon but probably (I suspect) has a post-war reckoning that speaks on insecurities and traumas that do occur within the canon text. So if I’m looking at Hermione struggling to relate to the student body, I need to go back to the canon text and find moments where some of those dynamics were already starting to come into play (eg. Hermione not getting Quidditch, Hermione’s responses to Neville telling them what life was like under the Carrows, Hermione’s relationship with other girls in her year eg. Lavender and Parvati).  

Relatedly: look at how characters that are similar to each other react to certain scenarios if you don't have enough evidence of how one character might behave. I decided with Beasts that, while Harry and Ginny are not the same person, they are characters that often react in certain situations similarly, so if I don’t have an example of how Ginny herself would respond to a certain situation (eg. injury in Quidditch), I can use Harry’s response as a bit of a guide for what Ginny would be like. That scene in chapter two where Harry and Ginny discuss her going back to Hogwarts actually borrows lines from Dumbledore and Harry’s conversation in the purgatory King’s Cross after Harry’s ‘death’ - ‘I have to go back, don’t I?’ ‘That’s up to you’ - because although Ginny deciding to go back to Hogwarts is not exactly the same as the decision Harry makes not to ‘go on’, it seemed there were enough analogies with it that I could borrow little lines and colour from that scene. (I have a bit of a cop-out dumb joke to myself in this scene - Harry saying to Ginny ‘we’re the same’ is me nodding to swapping out two very similar protagonists).

Play the ‘there’s a pigeon in the living room’ game. There’s lots of different versions of this exercise for improving characterisation, but I like this one: if this character woke up tomorrow, went into their living room and found a pigeon in it, what would they do? How would they respond? Would they scream/swear/laugh/calmly acknowledge the situation? How would they physically respond - would they try to get the pigeon out, if so how would they physically try to do that? What words could you use for how their body would move in the space while they tried to, say, open a window, or shoo it out the door? Would they call someone to help, if so, who, and why? What would they say, and how would they say it? It's such a stupid game but I do really find it helpful to better inhabit the character, especially if the character is very different from you as the author.

Good characterisation means trying to get everyone right. The trouble sometimes with fanfiction writing is that we have our main character as someone that we love and want to write about, and then harness all other characters in the service of our main character’s personal development. But that’s not really how real people behave - people rarely walk around thinking all day every day about one specific main-character person they know, lol (I always think of the bits in Inception where everyone starts looking at the person in the dream…) Strong characterisation means having at least a working understanding of what motivates every character that interacts with the main character in the fic, that thinks about how both characters perceive their relationship, and how their behaviours and the things they say might change based on who they’re talking to. Characterisation is deeply relational, and very much about how characters react or respond in a way that’s highly specific and contextual. It just takes a lot of really boring slog work of figuring how characters’ typical sentence structures, their body language, their thought-processes, who they gravitate towards, the kind of arc or change they are capable of. It’s important not to come in with judgement, and from a place of wanting to understand and empathise with a character. (It's why I don't really write characters I don't fully understand or 'get' - I'd do a horrible job!)

The last thing I want to say is that the best advice I ever received is pretentious and cloying but true: it's to know your gift. You say you find your own writing ‘irritatingly juvenile’. But in even asking a question like the one you’ve asked, you’ve shown you’re clearly a thoughtful, curious and creative person - and thoughtful, curious and creative people will always produce writing that other people will get something out of. I’ll bet your writing has real strengths, some that you don’t even see and others that actually (at least I hope!) you recognise and that you’re really proud of. This doesn’t mean you can’t develop new skills or improve or challenge yourself. But starting any process of improvement by clearly identifying what you’re good at (knowing your gift), figuring out why you’re good at it, thinking about how best to showcase it and believing you have a right to show this talent or skill is really important. I know this is excruciating to do but I really recommend making a little list of things and starting from this point of acknowledging you have stories to tell and ways of telling them that other people will admire and benefit from you sharing with them. You'll never actually want to improve if you come from a place of being horrible to yourself as a writer. What you do has worth, and wanting to improve is a journey we're all on, just trying to find ways to better share what we have and have it mean something to someone else who comes across it.

[lesbiandanhowell]

Sam (begrudgingly) reacts to: Dan and Phil play Poppy Playtime CHAPTER 2!

I fucking hate horror games and I am have a high anxiety day so this is like awful timing BUT HERE GOES NOTHING.

- Not a fan of the runtime because I don't enjoy horror so the longer the worse for me personally so fuck this actually oops

- Babes I am literally shaking and almost crying 4 minutes in this will not be fun lmao (but also I know my anxiety won't go away without dan and phil content so might as well hope they will be funny and cute enough to make me calm down).

- I hate this I want to cry UPDATE: I literally started crying right after this, about 8 minutes into the game, but it got better afterwards.

- The touch when saying 'we have to be brave' was very personal to me. (Someone give me someone to watch this with and hold me please because I am scared)

- The buttplug jokes being the only thing to make me laugh, thank you Phil. Dan what do you MEAN "tails in" in reference to buttplugs, did you see the unhinged shit we said on tumblr, because oh god please no.

- "What are we going to do now?" "Cry" Phil gets me actually thank you I feel seen.

- The color game is actually calming my anxiety SO much it's hilarious, like it's just logic and following patterns and those things are so calming even when Dan is screaming.

- "For our lesbian audience that has mommy issues this is gonna be a weird episode" YOU DONT SAY DAN YOU DONT SAY

- new lore alert: Phil going to a wrestling party

- Phil lore: he was afraid of the KFC man as a kid

- PINOF MENTION AND CLIP AHAHA, they love doing these references since they uploaded the first react video.

- Dan hiding in his hoodie is adorable, like he just fully went "nope!" and hid haha.

- I think you can see Phil's hand shaking in the whack a mole, like the camera was SO shakey which was either his inability to use a mouse or he was shaking, place your bets.

- Dan playing the mini game after all, Phil is never beating the younger brother stereotype truly.

- When did they film all of these that their heating is still broken?! Makes me think they really did pre-film most of these to have a less stressful time now during december, which good job guys!

- Mommy's voice reminds me of someone else in a tv show but I can't figure out what? Anyone know?

- Their delighted faces at seeing jacksepticeye are adorable, like you could tell they were so happy truly and I love these little easter eggs!

- "Sean you down there?" HOWLING

- They edited so many clips and memes into this (which makes me think they edited it rather than an editor) haha

- Phil just, maybe unconsciously, moving impossibly closer to Dan is a big mood (only I am alone rip).

- Weirdly enough the mini games are the most calming part for me, like there is a clear focus and clear objective of what to do and it's like: here is a problem, solve it and I think that does wonders for me.

- Unsure if I am shaking from anxiety or being cold (also great I have more uni work to do after watching this)

- Yes please sanitize my boobs. What

- I agree Phil, we have gotten a lot of lore (about you)!

- Phil's panicked "geese!" gets me every time because it's so cute.

- "I feel kinda bad" aw ofc you do Phil and ofc you don't Dan, so very in character for both of them honestly.

- "Sometime in 2023, so not much longer" Phil, honey, there are like 20 days left what do you mean?!

This actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, after I had my little cry at the beginning. I was actually quite calm by the end and I think my anxiety actually is less, which I didn't think would happen. The magic of Dan and Phil, see you tomorrow!

[ferniliciousness]

Happy N7 Month!

This is my first November in the fandom and I am genuinely excited and looking forward to it. Which feels weird cause this is the first fandom I've ever really been a part of. Mass effect has definitely really helped me the last few months, and I'm so glad I've gotten to meet some pretty cool people in the process lol.

Anyway, enough of the sappy stuff, that's not what this is about lmao. I've started a few projects for the month and I am very excited to share the first one with y'all. I've been working on this for like a month now 😭 and I'm actually proud of it so I hope you enjoy ☺️

Prompt: Tension

TW: Suicidal inclinations

*why didn't I just say no? I should have just said no?* Gaia's mind is racing standing next to Garrus and looking out over the street below them. Sidonis is here, and Gaia has to watch Garrus kill him. She has to change his mind, she just has to. Otherwise, everything she believes about herself is true; she deserves to die, she doesn't deserve to live, and there is no hope for redemption. *I'm worse than Sidonis. I deserve so much worse than him. If Garrus can't spare him, can't offer him even an ounce of forgiveness, what hope do I have?* Numbness, that all familiar numbness she knows too well takes over her body. She hates it. She despises it. She wants it to just go away, go away and let her feel again, feel the pain, feel the despair, feel the guilt. To suffer. Resting on the railing, her hands shake. Her heart races as she scans the crowd below her. She finds Shepard and then she sees him, the man who has betrayed them. *No, no, no, I can't let him do this, I can't. There has to be hope, there has to be a chance for me. God, please Garrus, please, show me I can still do good in this world. Show me you would forgive me, show me you would give me a chance. Please Garrus, I'm running out of hope.*

"There he is." Garrus' voice snaps her back to reality. Her lungs gasp, the breath she was holding finally escaping. Her knuckles turn white as her nails dig into her palm, begging her body to not give up, to keep feeling, to keep hoping. Even as she turns to Garrus and sees his determination, sees the anger in his eyes, she has to hope

"You're in my shot. Move to the side a bit so I can get him." Gaia knows if Shepard moves Garrus would not hesitate to pull the trigger. She can see his hands trembling, and notices his mandibles twitching, but she can't tell if it's from anger or anxiety. She hopes it's him questioning, rethinking all of this. "Shepard" his name escapes her, begging, pleading with him to not let Garrus do this. Her eyes follow the barrel of Garrus' rifle, down to where Sidonis stands in front of Shepard and she can't help but imagine. Imagine it was her at the end of his scope, imagine him shooting her. But Shepard doesn't move and she can hear hope in her comm. "Sidonis, I'm here to help you." He was doing it, he was actually doing it. She cant believe it. "Dammit Shepard! If he moves I'm taking the shot! With or without your help." His harsh words surprise Gaia. Garrus never speaks to Shepard like this. Gaia painfully listens to Sidonis explain, how the blue suns captured him, tortured him even. How much regret he feels for what he did. She knows all to well how he feels, the pain and guilt he's going through. She's angry at him, just like Garrus, but she can't blame him. Not when she is no better then he is. "It's up to you Garrus, I'm letting you decide this one. Kill him or dont." Shepard moves to the side while Sidonis stands still, defeated. The choice hangs heavy in the air and Gaia knows she has to say something, she has to try. "Garrus don't! Please, please don't. The guilt will cause enough suffering, you don't have to do this." Stepping forward in a rush, she can't help but reach a hand out towards him. As her heart is pounding in her ears she's barely even thinking. "What!" His head snaps to look at her, his mandibles flare, showing his teeth. The suddenness makes her pause but she doesn't back away. "Gaia, you of all people should want this. You were there, you saw what happened, you saw what his actions brought US! Our friends were killed. Because of him." His anger touches her heart in a way he will never know. It pushes her back, not out of fear, but sudden shame. It forces her to step back, away from him, but she can't bring herself to look away. She meets his anger and lets it burn inside her, adding to the hatred she already feels towards herself. "Garrus, please." No one moves, no one speaks, they all just stand in the dense quiet, the air thick with tension. Finally, Garrus turns to face Sidonis again. "I... I... Fine, just... just let him go."

Gaia stands perfectly still, not looking away from Garrus for a moment. She desperately reads his face, trying to decipher any emotions from him that she can. But all she finds is the Turians frantic attempt at hiding them. His mandibles won't stop fluttering, and even through her translator she can hear his rapid clicking. And worse yet, he refuses to look at her, yet, she can't look away. "Why? Why did you do that?" His voice is trembling with confusion. But she can't say anything. He wants answers, no. He deserves answers. But the most she can do is stare up into his eyes, while her own glaze over. She retreats into herself, hiding in the security of chaos that is her emotions, so that he can't see. "Gaia no!" His hand on her shoulder snaps her out of her escape. "No running away, not this time. You're going to answer me dammit." Hot air hits her face as he sighs. "Don't... Don't you think he deserves it? Don't you think that... That everyone... Everyone that died that day deserves justice? He killed them." Garrus chuckles, his eyes now just as lost as Gaia's a moment ago. "He betrayed all of them. His death would have paid for that. Doesn't.... Doesn't someone have to pay? Doesn't someone have to make it all right?" His hand let's go of her. *No, no, no, don't let go! Don't slip away from me! I can't! Garrus I can't!* She watches as his hand returns to his side, and all hope of moving forward goes with it.

"Then shoot me Garrus. Kill me. Let me pay." Gaia shoves her pistol into his chest, catching him by surprise while her eyes lock onto his. Wide eyes meet hers, full of confusion and worry. He tries to take a step back, but Gaia hooks her hand into his armor, holding him in place. "I have been the cause of so many deaths, deaths of innocent people. I have so much blood on my hands, blood spilt because of my actions." Her eyes never leave his, reflecting an honest guilt and a long-felt resolve. "I have cheated, stolen, lied." Gaia takes another step closer to him, pointing the barrel of the pistol to her chest. "I have betrayed people who trusted me, people who cared about me." The words came out calmly, years worth of turmoil and pain simmered down into Gaia's heartfelt belief in herself. Pointing down to where Sidonis had stood only moments before, "If he is deserving of this, then I am deserving of so much more. If someone has to pay for it, let me." Tears threaten to spill from her eyes, but her voice never falters. Garrus tries to carefully pry the gun away from her, but her own fingers threaten to set it off. They both can hardly breathe, but even in the brief moment of silence, Gaia's hands just hold tighter to the pistol. "You say you believe in justice, in righting wrongs against innocent people. So show me Garrus. Show me. Pull that trigger and bring justice to me. Let me make it right."

Garrus tightens his grip around her hands, pushing on her palm, trying to get her to let go. Gaia could feel gentle thrums through his chest, his way to try and calm her down. Her fingers slip away from the trigger, his large hands gently guiding them away as he takes hold of the gun. Her body feels numb, and the world around her is quiet, she barely even notices him doing it. "Gaia. I.... I'm not going to shoot you." His mandibles click, quickly chattering against his cheeks. "I can't.... I don't know what you think you did, or why you think you deserve this, but this isn't your crime to pay for." The silence between them can almost be touched, as they stand in front of one another. Gaia's arms slowly fall to her side, letting go of his armor. "You ok?" Garrus' words finally breach the quiet. He wants to know, to understand. Gaia doesn't even know herself, but she doesn't want him to worry. "Yeah" a weak smile is all she has to offer him, and he sees right through it. "Gaia" The question behind his words is evident but Gaia has no desire to answer him, even if she knows she will eventually. "No. I'm not talking about it. Not right now." Gaia looks over the railing at the crowd walking below them, oblivious to everything that had just occurred. The tension between making the air feel thick. Gaia hears Garrus' hard sigh, he must still be upset, just as her emotions were still on a high. "Alright." Leaving it at that, Garrus walks behind her, pulling her rifle off of her back, before continuing down the walkway. Surprise pulls Gaia out of the awkwardness. "Hey, I said I was ok didn't I?" She jogs to catch up with him, his long strides covering much more distance than her. "I never said you weren't." He was upset, angry even, that was clear, but Gaia knows, he still cares. The realization hits her, standing in the street watching him walk back. She doesnt understand why or how he does, and she thinks that she never will, but she is grateful for it.

[chickalupe]

Feeling very down right now, just want to vent...

(Treating this like my old Livejournal since I don't really have anywhere else I can complain LMAO)

I've been out of work since August after completely running out of FMLA.

Between getting severe COVID in February and being out recovering for 6 weeks -- and then with Long COVID making the chronic fatigue and migraines I already had even worse -- I ended up missing so much work that I used all the time FMLA allowed before the year was even half over.

I'm living with my parents now and don't really have income except my savings; honestly most days I don't have the physical or mental spoons to even contemplate applying for even a part-time remote position yet. Thankfully I also have a retirement fund I am slowly cashing in, even if that also isn't really sustainable long-term. (But me losing my insurance will definitely be an issue soon when I run out of refills for my prescription meds...)

I'm aware that I've been pretty isolated since August; I've gotten maybe like two texts from former co-workers. I'm mostly asleep during the daytime and don't drive, so going out is hard. The person I consider my BFF is out of state and is busy with their own life. The only people I talk to most days are my Mom and Dad. (Admittedly, I am also pretty terrible about calling or texting people!) Tumblr has thus been the majority of my social interaction, for good or ill.

On top of all that, my birthday is this Friday and I always find myself depressed anyway this time of year. Like, it's probably half Seasonal Affective Disorder, and half a reminder that I'm a year older and having mixed feelings about where I am in life, IDK... But the current situation of *gestures vaguely at everything* isn't helping. So I am very blergh in general.

My parents and I had made vague plans a couple weeks ago that we could all go out for dinner on my actual birthday; nothing fancy, maybe the nearest sit-down Mexican restaurant. I was kinda looking forward to it. Mom just informed me that she is now unavailable after 5pm on my b-day itself since she offered to babysit kids for someone in their church that evening and night. We can't do it tomorrow night either, because Mom & Dad will be at a craft show from 4pm to 10pm.

And... it's fine, I guess. I'm disappointed but I'm an adult. I'm not gonna throw a tantrum or yell and cry or try to guilt her about it. She brought me flowers from the grocery store as a sort of peace offering and says we can still have cake or whatever. We'll probably do something on Saturday instead.

But EVERY YEAR, it's something. Last year, it was the cheesecake I asked for as a birthday cake getting dropped on the way into the house from the car; over half of it was smushed and then Dad stole the best remaining slice for himself. The two years before that, it was during the worst of the pandemic so I just had mediocre delivery food. I literally cannot remember the last birthday I really enjoyed in over a decade and half.

Another big source of anxiety right now -- we found out have 60 days to move since the leasing company is selling this house. So we have to find a new place, be packed and then move by January. Meanwhile home inspectors, realty agents and potential buyers are walking through while we're still living here, and it's super stressful. Words can't express how much I hate strangers being here any and all days of the week.

I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm not trying to be whiny or woe-is-me, but my mental health right now is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Not Great (tm) 😅. I do try hard to be positive but it just takes so much energy and I'm stressed and a little numb.

Not really sure how to end this. I just really needed to put it all in writing as a journal-type situation so that I don't end up crying in real life LOL.

Current Mood: burnt-out 😑

Current Music: HGTV playing in the background

[phtalogreenpoison]

Sticky Washington my beloved

Ok so I have many thoughts on George "Sticky" Washington.

Like first off I wonder what his middle name is. Now that may seem random, but do you really think he is going to go by Sticky as an older teenager or adult? And I kinda feel like George was made more uncomfy because of Mr. Curtain always referring to him as George, so perhaps instead he might go by his middle name, though I have no clue what it is.

Another thing I appreciate is that he has a complicated relationship with his parents. Like him running away initially was what I wanted to do as a kid (haha don't think too hard on that one), particularly from the pressure to be the golden child (though he is an only child so it doesn't create added tension in sibling dynamics).

Additionally, though he does run away after a misconstrued comment he overhears from his parents talking, but it wasn't solely from that alone. However much he loves them and they love him, they still put that pressure on him in the first place, and did not realize his emotional needs were not being met. He was still a kid and shouldn't have had to be in that position.

Now I know there is further nuance to their situation, particularly due to class and race that I may not be able to address fully, and the Washingtons had struggled financially, especially with Mrs. Washington's disability. This could have seemed like the ticket for Sticky to have a happy, successful, and intellectually stimulating career path - something to set him up for life. His parents wanted the best for him, which is evidenced in how they completely change their approach once he goes missing. They spend all their money trying to find him and go into debt again (which probably felt even worse after having a taste of better financial standing), and once they meet him again at the end of the first book, they say they don't expect him to compete, assuming he doesn't want to. They want to give him the chance to just be a kid, albeit one who is "gifted" and probably neurodivergent (plus mental illness - definitely anxiety). This time, it is easier for them to meet his needs because of the additional assistance of Mr. Benedict, his friends, and the whole crew as an added support system, which he would not have even gotten if not for a set of bizarre happenstances.

On the other hand, I personally do not think things would be all sunshine and roses. Before he ran away, he felt like they didn't really know him, and yes, they are trying to build a better relationship, which is genuinely great. But I wonder if he ever feels stifled. Since he went from a highly managed schedule with a disconnect in regards to his interests, to them encouraging him to be a kid for a bit longer, does he feel they think he doesn't know how to be an adult? Does he feel coddled now? Don't get me wrong, he should be able to be a kid, but I can definitely relate to the possible source of frustration. Maybe he resents that his parents weren't the ones to help him find his ground, even if he understands that they tried. Maybe he has to remind himself to be open with them, or maybe he feels like he still can't be because they still need to rebuild that trust

Then in the second and third books you get him grappling with pride versus ego (taking joy in himself versus him just knowing a lot of things and seeing that as better, which is definitely something I had to struggle through too), and he starts to find a balance of sorts. I wonder how long it takes him to truly find independence and begin to explore his identity more.

Anyways, I love these characters so much, and I may be projecting a little onto Sticky (lmao). Again, there are some things I kinda only mentioned in passing, but I think this is a decent attempt at analyzing his character.

[golbrocklovely]

Do you ever get tired of the drama? I took a step back from the fandom years ago because it was absolutely exhausting me. It seems like it’s gotten worse somehow and I was just wondering how you do it. How do you keep up with the asks? How do you keep from banging your head into a wall? How do you not get exhausted when you get asked the same old shit every. single. time?

oh, absolutely the drama gets tiring to me lmao

when i first started out, i never intended for my account to become known as the gossip account. i just wanted a place for ppl to come and vent about the fandom if they needed to anonymously bc i knew how the fandom was about being honest, since there were times i had opinions that made me feel like i was the outlier compared to everyone else.

but it kinda became this way on accident. and now i just kinda accept it for what it is. i know i got a lot of eyes on me, and i know a lot of ppl know about me without really knowing me, if that makes any sense lol

originally tho, and especially for at least the first two years of me doing this, i would answer every ask no matter what. but now i don't do that as much, or at the very least, i take a while to get to every one i plan on answering. bc look, if you come on here and are really rude to either me, snc, or just in general ppl i like - i'm not gonna answer you. it's just that simple. and also, sometimes i don't have the energy to answer everyone. i am one person after all, hearing literally everyone's opinions. so it's a lot sometimes.

and i do get tired about talking in circles with certain topics. i usually try to let everyone know "hey, i'm done talking about this" in some way or another - whether via an answer to an ask or just straight up turning off my ask box for a while. bc what i've noticed is that most topics are just a 24-48 hours thing max. after that, ppl move onto other things. so if it ever gets super stressful to me, and it does occasionally, i just turn off my ask box and turn it back on the next day. and by then, everyone has moved on for the most part.

and i think the biggest thing i had to learn in doing all of this is separating snc from the fandom. bc snc aren't angels. i know they've fucked up before, or just generally done things i don't agree with. however, if i genuinely thought they were bad ppl, i wouldn't be a fan of them. i wouldn't spend all of this time or money or energy into giving them attention. snc don't piss me off, but the fandom does. and separating the two of them has made it so much easier to stick around. bc when the fandom pisses me off, it doesn't reflect how i feel about snc anymore.

not only that, but when i'm not here, i'm disconnected. i might still watch snc's vids or whatever, but i'm not thinking about the fandom. when i log off, i don't give the drama a second thought. and that has saved me a lot of anxiety and anger. that being said, i also think there are a lot of fans that can't do that, which is why they get so frustrated at every little thing. but i get it at the same time bc i was like that for a while.

also, if i'm completely honest, some of the drama is fun to me bc it's not life or death. we aren't talking about something serious or direly, nine times out of ten the drama is about colby's love life or sam's philosophical takes or something dumb like that. it's not that deep. that's why i can have fun with it lol which is why i implore others to not get so hung up on the details or get upset when they don't know everything or make every drama the biggest deal ever. if it was that serious, we all would know.

but this is also why i get annoyed when this fandom, especially for the past like six months, have been having tantrums left right and center over snc and the girls. like… this should be fun. we should be able to kiki and laugh and move about our day without insulting anyone in the process. and yet… somehow that's an issue for everyone now. not for me or really anyone on here, but… other places sksks

at this point, i try to enjoy what i can and keep it pushing. i have a whole life outside of snc that i worry about waaaaayyyyyy more, and that's why the drama only gets to me so much. this is supposed to be my entertainment, so when it's not, i clock out. and only come back when it seems enjoyable again.

[post-office-by-the-bay]

dearest covey,

how is life by the sea treating you? i hope the salty air and wet sand are making you feel at home.

no, but in all seriousness, i love the new blog! this must have taken so long to make! the idea is so cute, too, the vibes are immaculate. I feel like i'm actually at the seaside.

i know i haven't sent a letter in for a while, and i'm sorry, it's just been a super hectic week. i went to visit my grandparents this weekend, and they don't have internet at their cottage, so i wasn't able to access tumblr, but i did manage to finish an essay that has been stressing me out this past week, and i'm really proud of it! in othwe news, i went thrifting on friday, and found the CUTEST white maxi skirt, plus some pretty pajama shorts with blue flowers. i also got some makeup from the mall, including some nice blush/highlighter, and some lip oil. my little brother (5th grade) came third place in a district-wide chess tournament, which makes me a little worried about him getting bullied, but i'm still proud of him lol. seriously, though, that kid is scary smart. he's definitely the favourite child. (joking, I hope). do you have siblings? i have two younger ones, my brother and my sister, and while they can be a pain in the butt and hog the nintendo switch, i'd still die for them any day.

i'm thinking about converting the radio station to a flower shop, if only because there's better inspiration pics on pinterest and i'm not extroverted enough to be a dj lol.

that's all i really have to say, but I hope you life has been good recently!

love from way up in canada, flora. 💐

to my best girl flora,

the salty air is amazing, but compares nothing to sitting in your flower shop with you by my side!!

(squealing- we're so cutesy, you and i!)

no worries about the time between letters. i'll always wait for all of you!! i actually spent my weekend by the beach but i had the worst goddamn cell service like fr not a single bar in sight- pissing me off lmao. congrats on finishing that essay tho!! i FINALLY found time to talk to my ap gov teacher and she was a massive help with my FRQ4 (essay answer, basically) bc ya girl was STRUGGLING. also, i loveeeee when i have a good thrift. i found the cutest tank top the other day but it's been too gloomy to wear as of late.

also, about your brother, TELL HIM CONGRATS FOR ME!! my school is kinda strange bc we're also having chess competitions rn but they are actually hyped up more than football games. everyone who competes is actually so cool and well loved, so just let him know that cool people play chess too!!

i've got an older sister who's pretty cool. but...tbh, i think in every single other universe, im the older sister (lemme explain-). she's got really bad anxiety so my parents have always kinda babied her and there have never really been any expectations put on her, so they were all kinda put on me. i've gotten really good at lying to take the blame for things that she did bc her anxiety and mental issues would just make my parents reaction worse so i just take the blame bc she's my sister. of course im gonna look out for her, ya know??? she also went through a weird phase of wishing i didn't exist to my face when i was like eight BUT she's gone to therapy and apologize for that so we good!! i truly do love her but i know im her protector, not the other way around!! which is chill, ya know!

ANYWAYS MOVING ON FROM THE KINDA TRUAMA DUMP- i think a floral shop would be so so cute!! and while i LOVE the dj theme, i think it's kinda hard but the floral shop will be so much easier and wayyy easier to find pics for too!!

all my love from da beach,

covey 𐙚⊹ ࣪ ˖

[sarrie]

Hmmm... blorbos blorbos blorbos... how about- some Gaster, Sans, Handsome Jack, Nisha, and Rhys? ;3

hEEEHEHE ok let's go!

☝︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎

Okay so I am definitely saying this in a time where Gaster, The Mystery Man, is so unknown lol. That said, I was normal about him until I saw the not-released tarot card for him. Then I started reading fic as a joke and it all went downhill from there. And. Ok. I know we don't know ANYTHING about him, so me saying fandom takes are incorrect isn't quite fair, but I have a hard time thinking he's just 100% evil. Especially if he's a monster - made out of hope and love and all that jazz. Not saying that monsters can't do bad things (LOOKS AT ASGORE) but there's a lot that goes into that. Asgore did bad things because he was put in a bad situation, lost his family, and wanted to help his people. Alphys wanted to help people, but wound up doing bad things, too. I feel like a lot of fic and content I see for Gaster is just about him being super mega evil and Fucked Up which is fine but, like, for why? What made him act that way? I also love the idea of him just being an absolute goof. A real "Sans had to learn puns from someone" type character. And idk it's hard to have canon content about a character that uh erased themselves from existence lmao. That being said I'm not normal about him. I have 3 full fledged fanfictions about him - two I've started writing and one that I visit when I try to fall asleep and haven't written yet. If he is 100% evil that's fine load me up in the extractor baby I'm subject 01.

Snas

In the same way that I relate too well to Dante as being the haha funny pizza man as a coping mechanism to not acknowledge his own fear and depression, I relate WAY TOO WELL to Sans Undertale for the same reason. If my depression gets too bad and all encompassing I'm going to take a nap. While I used to have a healthy love of naps, they're now also coping mechanisms to avoid reality for me. Back when my anxiety and depression pretty much took over my life I would sleep forEVER. 18 hours a day if I could. I now also struggle with insomnia and sleep avoidance so it's like. I sleep in small amounts now and it's gotten to the point that I will 100% use my 15 minute breaks and my lunch to take a nap. The laid back jokey personality is very much who I am truly, but then there's also the Projection where I use that as a facade to avoid my problems/emotional trauma. And I'd say Unwillingly I have come around to him because, as I'm sure you know, in the beginning I was like I don't get this Undyne is the only hot character here what's going on why do people want to fuck this dude. And then I finally watched a play through and learned Everything and I'm like oh no he's so saaadd poor meow meow :((( sad boyyy sad!!! tragic!!! (and then The Fight happens and it's like oh uh hmm not examining my reaction to this bc i don't want to know what this says about me) Then I started reading fanfiction as a joke which ok can I say a lot of blorbos for me have come from me reading fanfic as a joke and then getting super into it??? LMAO. And now I've given myself the challenge to read as many sans/reader fics on AO3 that catch my interest and I still have 274 pages left lmAO.

Handsome Jack

Put him in more situations. Destroy him. I love him. I hate him. The reality is he could make me SO MUCH WORSE. He's handsome. He's a loser. I want more of his face to melt off. I want to chew on him like a chew toy. Jack is such a fun character to hate. He has so much charisma it's sexy but he's also so unhinged and, like, there's never been an option to fix him. I think he was born and from that moment on it's just been a collision course with absolute fuckery. He's such a caricature of a human, and if you're not the receiving end of his insanity it's so fun to watch.

Nisha

I love her. I want her to destroy me. BL2 said we need a character who can go toe-to-toe with Handsome Jack in terms of being an absolute disaster of a human being and then they delivered the most badass cowboy hat wearing woman they could. She is 1000% too good for Jack, and arguably Jack happening to her ruined her life. Rhys

My sweet precious Rhysie boy. ;-; He's so pretty and so stupid I love him so much. I really feel like BL3 fucked him up in terms of characterization. The absolute trials we go through in Tales with him and just. Stop!! putting him in situations!! I lie lmao I need a follow up of Tales where he is put in another situation with Fiona so we can see what the fuck all happened there.