#i feel like last year when i was off my meds lmaoo

[halfdeadwallfly]

Rehearsal and then after rehearsal and also in between of rehearsal and I think they're starting to regret having me. And perhaps justifiably but I have a bug with me and my bug is almost gone but I'm holding him so he doesn't die in the basement bathroom of the university catholic music room. So I am overcompensating by keeping quiet but that's wrong too and now we're done And I'm loud again and this time I'm eating dinner alone and I was ravenous and breathing so much but now I can't breathe and I'm only thirsty so so thirsty and now (not yet) I'm at home and I'm waiting and I. Am quieter than before and too loud again. And still imagining it.

[niisancomplex]

30

My parents used to celebrate my birthday when I was a kid.

So when I had my 30th here, in my room, with nothing happened, I dunno why I felt so empty.

Not that I like to celebrate it, my family does. (stop fucking lying i know i like to give myself gifts and princess treatment on my birthday. i bought niee meals and stuff to gift myself last month)

Honestly wished I was dead before 30 because it was my deadline. Deadline to marry, to have children, to reach a certain point in my life. But in reality I achieved... What? Nothing. Oh, right I achieved some things this year.

going to the gym alone (!!) defeated social anxiety? no, jokes on me i skipped few gym days because i was too anxious also i didnt go this month because im losing motivation and im too fucking depressed to go to the gym thanks

going to the hospital alone (!!) defeated social anxiety again? yes, and no. i didn't know what to do where to go i looked like a lost child also it was the worst experience. 1 wisdom teeth extracted tho at least

getting actual sick (with throwing up and diarrhea as bonus point) fucking sucks, getting sick alone in my room in this shitass city though i could get meds easily but i swear i've never gotten sick because i rarely go out! and yet, right after i reached 30 i got?? idk fucking antibiotic poisoning? food poisoning? i dont know but i've never gotten that sick for years, well, not included covid. i felt so fucking miserable i wish my mother was there or idk i wished i just fucking die already because being sick is annoying like just off me alrdy lmaoo

self-harming (!!) LMAO i know this is alarming and i'm not supposed to laugh but i ccant believe i actually reached this point. yk i hate pain, i never had that courage. but this year is just TOO MUCH and i almost reached my lowest point.

talking to psychiatrist (!!) yh i did it this year. i couldn't handle it anymore i talked through text tho. i knew i would get those diagnoses but in the end i didnt purchase the meds. i didnt wanna take meds because it's fucking expensive. damn staying sane is expensive i guess i'll stay insane jk i'll get help. unles...?

going to orchestra AHH MENTALLY I M STILL THERE thanks my brother for going to the orchestra w me :') it was one piece orchestra and I TEARED UP DURING WE ARE!!! forever my favorite childhood series

That's all? Idk, maybe, yeah. OH also i'm still so fucking burnt out w my job but what can I do? I need money to pay rent and bills. So burnt out with job, and life. idk. should i talk to psychiatrist again? maybe i should start taking meds. and move out. fuck i hate this place, this city. everything is expensive, and i hate the peopel, the air, the weather, the fucking sun. i need to move out so bad but do i wanna go back to my parents house? i dunno. idk. i feel like im a failure, i didnt achieve things i wanted to do in 30. no family, no house, no cats. fuck em children i dont want those in this economy but IF i could IF i was stable enough mentally and economically maybe i want them, maybe. in another life? universe? idk.

so yeah 30 but im alive? barely? hopefully only for a while.

[karasunology]

⸙ ˚₊ ➷ NEKOMA WITH A SHY! ANXIOUS AND ASTHMATIC MANAGER ! ❞

✎ . . . hello since your requests are open may i request vbc teams (karasuno, nekoma and shiratorizawa) + shy manager with anxiety and asthma? i rlly am hungry for some team dynamics and your work is amazing so if you may? YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT THOUGH!

❝ ― submitted by @ nonnie <3 ❞

-ˏˋ ➶ character(s) ━ nekoma vbc <3

[ trigger warnings ━ none ]

✎ . . . TEAM MANAGER HEADCANONS.

[ other parts coming soon . . . ]

NEKOMA VBC.

➜ after finding out about karasuno having TWO managers now,

➜ like they  m u l t i p l i e d ✖➗➕➖

➜ and with taketora's failure of recruiting one,

➜ kuroo was PRACTICALLY BEGGING YOU to be their manager

➜ his reasons being and i quote; “ giving more motivation to the team ” and of course “ to show those bastards the sanctity of nekoma ”

➜ and rooster boi was a determined person, once he sets his mind to something ─ he will do everything to attain it

➜ you knew kuroo ever since you first started first year with him, the both of you quietly competing against each other on your collage preparatory class but soon grew closer to be called friends

➜ but he'd always call you his rival even though it was lowkey one-sided

➜ and after hearing that the club you joined in this year, just for the sake of joining; disbanded, and kuroo was UNASHAMED to ask of you to be the manager of their team

➜ it's been two ever since nekoma had a manager and he was TIRED™ of not having one and it was already his last year playing

➜ you having no other reasons to object, you agreed, but not without asking in a small voice to help you introduce yourself to the team

➜ you were shy to new people ─ hell, even after knowing him for three years you would still get shy around him

➜ and because of that, kuroo was already one step ahead of everything;

➜ talking to the reliable third years ─ kai and yaku, about looking out for you explaining your slight anxiety and asthma problems

➜ homeboy would have a team meeting just to discuss and announce about a new female manager

➜ YAMAMOTO DEAD ASS DROPPED ON HIS KNEES WITH TEARS ON HIS EYES AND PRAISED WHOEVER GAVE HIM THIS OPPORTUNITY

➜ the third years weren't shocked, since kuroo already had a word with them seperately

➜ LEV, BABY BOY WAS ECSTATIC, HE WAS ALWAYS IN FOR THE IDEA OF MEETING SOMEONE NEW

➜ kuroo knew that lev would be ALL UP ON HER FACE if he doesn't do anythibg about it, so he threatened on benching him if he ever does something to scare away this ONE CHANCE of having a real girl manager

➜ fukunaga was curious to say the least, he wondered how it would be like to have a girl manager helping them around since it's always him and yaku

➜ inuoka, being the bubbly boy he is, was excited to have a female manager, since it is his first year in the vbc

➜ kenma was just straight up vibin, he already knew alot about everything he needed to know about you because of kuroo

➜ but still listened as he played with his psp

➜ shibayama and tamahiko were neutral about it honestly, satisfied because their team needed a bit more motivation if they wanted to win nationals

➜ kuroo just wanted to make you feel comfortable and safe with the team

➜ genuinely, the team didn't know how it would honestly flow with actually meeting their manager

➜ scared of scaring her off, they remained uncharacteristically toned down abit right before they meet you

➜ kuroo opened the metal doors to the volleyball gym, while peaking your pretty little head out to see where the members where; you were shocked to see them straightening their backs the second they saw your head peaking out from behind kuroo

➜ it was . . silent, and it was weird since, you've once secretly dropped by on their practices and they were evidently chaotic just by the sounds of their voices which echoed around the gym

➜ your palpitations slowed down a bit as you fully showed yourself to the members before flusteredly bowing at them

“ I HOPE WE CAN GET ALONG ”

➜ it was quiet for a second, before you hear sobbing as you lifted your head up to see yamamoto trying not to cry

“ this, this is my first time having a female manager . . . ” with snot drooling from his nose

➜ being the worried sweet senpai manager you are, you hurriedly took out your unused napkin from your pocket which you packed for the sole purpose of avoiding smoke; offering the napkin to him as it only made him burst into TEARS streaming down his face

➜ like that scene where the third years and second years bursted in tears when kiyoko put up their banner?

➜ yeah that

➜ but it's just taketora LMAOO

➜ before their captain could tell him off, a small laugh came out of you and kuroo just looked at you like

➜ 👁👁

➜ kuroo : ma'AM DID YOU JUST ─

➜ cue kuroo also dying inside because YOU. RARELY. LAUGH.

➜ since you're more on the reserved side

➜ kai and yaku almost had to put their foot down because now you have broken their captain until you spoke out

“ i was honestly anxious when you guys were quiet, since i've never seen you guys as serious whenever i try and drop by to look. ”

➜ in the end of the meeting you've got acquaintaned yourself with shibayama and inouka, though the former seemed a bit flustered.

➜ you've also hold a small conversation with kenma, the both of you kinda clicked right away since both of you were a bit shy aswell. while you listened to lev rambling excitedly, not noticing your slight trembling figure

➜ bECAUSE MANS WAS A WHOLE ASS ONE FOOT TALLER THAN YOU

➜ after meeting them, the team had already attached themselves in your heart

➜ baby girl you are ATTACHED

➜ though it was subtle but you've noticed how the boys really cared about you ─ bruh even coach nekomata since he has noticed that you are a great asset to the team

➜ if not yaku, kai would always remind you of taking your meds for your asthma if you ever have been prescribed one

➜ kenma would always be the first one to notice if you were ever tensed up or your anxiety was acting up

➜ since he's very perceptive and observant

➜ he'd grow a soft spot for you and if he ever sees you stressed, he'd let you borrow his psp

➜ shibayama, inouka, fukunaga and tamahiko would ALWAYS help you carry stuff around because they don't want your asthma to act up or else tHEY WILL ACT UP

➜ fukunaga would always tell you his jokes since now he finally has someone to tell them to whenever he's in the sidelines watching the others play

➜ yamamoto would PROTECT you from any dangers, like literally, mans knew he was done for the day you gave him your napkin 👁👄👁

➜ you're literally one of the first girls he isn't shy to talk to and one of the first girls to not scurry away whenever he's near

➜ as i said, yaku would BE YOUR MOTHER, he'd one step ahead with having extra masks for you on his bag and an extra inhaler he borrowed from you in case you have forgotten yours

➜ LEV, KUROO & YAMAMOTO ARE YOUR BODY GUARDS AND THAT'S ON PERIODT😡💅

➜ period. periodt. periodism. periodic table.

➜ would not let any guy from other teams come your way and bother you while being the good manager you are

➜ and while doing so, shows you off as they are basically saying “ this is the sanctity of nekoma, you bastards wish you were us. ”

➜ these boys CARE FOR YOU like alot and they love it when you reciprocate their love

➜ whenever you surprise them every other day with their favourite snacks despite always being anxious of looking at the eyes of the guy on cash register,

➜ always having their towels and waterbottles ready for them to use after practice

➜ giving them clarity of mind before a match and whenever the non-regulars start to feel insecure

➜ overall, they'd be the sweetest boys of yours that would give and likely to give you the world to you as you would to them😡💝

-ˏˋ playing soleil's tape ˊˎ-

[ 📼 ] . . . i'm crying bubs, y'all had me at 200 last night ?? um okay i didn't even know people like me enought to even follow me 🥺 y'all cute or whateva😳✋ i'm not even DONE WITH MY LOVE LANGUAGE HEADCANONS FOR 100 FOLLOWERS HSJSJDJ but here's a manger headcanons mini series one of my nonnie's requested for to celebrate 200 of you guys !! <33

[ 📼 ] . . . I also know a bit of about asthma because i also had experience with it when i was young, and my little brother still has them while i've already grown out of it.

[antiherotheantisocial]

babes why don't you think you'll ever be in a relationship? ur breaking my heart here reading ur tags

skip to the tags for the short answer lmaooooooo

breaking your heart? secretly in love with me??? 😧😶‍🌫️ but aaahhhhhhh 😮‍💨💕

i'm aromantic 😭😭😭 i'm not sure that i've ever felt romantic attraction, nor even know what it is, so it's a bit difficult to say otherwise and i just realized this year. 😔 i mean when i think about it most of the "crushes" i've had are mainly centered around sexual attraction/infatuation/lust or whatever you want to call it lmaooo....i care for the person, it just never dawns on me that i want anything with them in a romantic sense, i'm wayyy too nonchalant for that honestly and everyone deserves the best, which is most definitely not me lmaoo 😭 like i've never even thought about it because for me it's like.....i would only be in a relationship if i know for sure i could be committed to building a future with them for life, or honestly i would probably be down for a relationship if they wanted. like why not i guess which....is also a problem because then it gets considered as settling lmaooo which for me it most definitely is not..

the only thing that i might be inclined to say is slightly close to romantic attraction that i experience is limerence. but it's not like....from a place of love. 😭😭😭 now that i think of it it's probably like, having intrusive thoughts of a person. it's just all the time and as much as i try to stop i can't and it sucks because i do actually care about the person for who they are but obviously that makes it seem otherwise 😭😭😭

it's weird to explain. i do want a relationship and i do want to build a future with someone special where i could support their goals and they are able to be emotionally open with me but i don't have to be emotionally open with them and we can cuddle and watch shitty ass med shows with the worst fucking cpr but, i'm super picky and have extremely high standards lmaooo like is it really realistic.....girl........be real 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i get on my last goddamned NERVE

and then it's like, i already know that i'll be paranoid probably and most likely won't be satisfied because i'm not sure that anyone's love will be enough for me. (quote in my ul tag)

and at the end of the day (finally right? lmaoooo) it's like morally i don't want to play with or hurt anyone's feelings.

like all of this is mine alone to deal with and it's things that i should handle and work through before even considering a relationship but realistically i'm not sure that i can fast enough sooooooooo 😔

i'm sorry my tags probably come off as some edgy loser (which i am mind you ☝️😈) but don't feel bad don't let my tags break your heart omggg 😭😭🥺💖 i'm just some guy that's a son's son daughter. 😭😭 i keep myself in a loop of extreme self-criticism for minimal growth lmaoooo i'm okay (trust me 🫡).

maybe i shouldn't've said never but like....extremely unlikely. like...99% chance that i won't. love really isn't something that happens to people like me which is....ok! it's still a joy to see it happen for other people 😌💕🥰🤍💗💕

anyways fuck it we ball 🥱💯💪😈⏭️⏫🥶

[shytiff]

June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins. 

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients. 

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo  

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning. 

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and  summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers. 

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

[speakmindfully]

Popped bubble

My reality bubble that I was under the impression of and vehemently planning for just got popped.. big time. 

I just spent the majority of today mapping out medical school timelines and starting to do my research on what schools to apply to and how to start that process. I’ve come to the horrible realization that the application process alone is a year long. I’m crushed. I finish my master’s program early, but it hardly means anything if I wouldn’t even ATTEND medical school until I’m 25. I would graduate winter of 2021, finish applying by that spring/summer in June, June 2022, a semester after I graduate, and if I get interviews, I wouldn’t get those until September/October of 2022, THEN I’d get accepted/denied by February 2023, and I’d attend in August of 2023. 

My advisor told me I’d be able to make the end of the application cycle that would allow me to start in August of 2022 but EVERY resource I’ve been able to find has said apply BY the first week of June, which is when the application is able to be submitted (it’s common app style, which means you fill out one application & you can submit to x amount of schools) yet I don’t understand how that’s possible because June 2022 I’ll only be halfway through my program so I can’t fill out transcripts or MCAT scores etc. Medical schools do rolling admissions and once they fill up their spots, you’re out of luck. Finishing a semester early only allows me to submit things at the last possible moment and by then I think everything will be filled up and I’ll have the slimmest possible chance of getting in. Also, I can’t apply twice (once at the end of this cycle and be early on the next) because if you re-apply your application gets marked re-apply and your chances of getting in decrease even MORE.

I’m so discouraged now and crushed because all this time it seemed like I’d be right on track when in reality, unless you’re early, you’re late, and if you’re late, you basically are screwed for getting in. I want this so bad, and sure people can say what’s the big deal? you finish a semester early and have an entire year that you can focus on solely creating the PERFECT application, but it’s a YEAR added onto the already 1 year I spent figuring our whether or not I wanted to do med school.. I love the internship I’m working at now, maybe it’ll be a good excuse to work there full time for a year and save up some money before I go and try med school but I’m so stuck on the idea that I wouldn’t then graduate medical school until I’m 29.

I’ll probably start a family around then and how the hell do you take maternity leave during RESIDENCY?? I wish I didn’t have partner pressure to have kids early. I don’t even want kids right now let alone during the three hardest and most demanding years of my life. I’ll get zero sleep with residency and even LESS sleep with a screaming kid. Just thinking about it makes me angry. I’d rather adopt a 9 or 10 year old for my first kid and 30/31 instead of try to raise a kid at the most sought after career spot in my life. I refuse to be a stay at home mom when I’ve worked (and will have worked) my ASS off to become a doctor only to cook and clean and be a mindless robot mom. Don’t get me wrong mom’s are genius and amazing, but what stay at home mom did they have a stellar career they gave up? None. No stay at home mom willingly chooses to give up a job that they spent 10+ years and $250,000 in debt working for to clean fucking diapers and watch the abc’s on TV. Fuck no. 

I’m 1000x more career motivated than my person so he better be fully prepared if we end up together that I am NOT compromising my career to start a family so they can be young enough to run around and play ball with the kids for 5 extra years. Take care of yourself now and you won’t lose those years you think you will to age. My parents are like 8+ years older than his and are almost twice as active so he can wait too.

Gosh, I just went from super devastated to super angry all in like a 10 minute time span but jeez. It’s so frustrating that my journey to medicine is unsure, and that it’ll take me so long to get there. I think I’d skip applying late and waiting that summer/year to have a better chance of getting in and then maybe working with The Milken Institute that summer/year I’ll have in between full time to get some work experience. Because who knows, maybe I’ll adore Milken full time and not want to go to medical school. That’s a very real and also very exciting idea.

I just know if I don’t apply to medical school I’ll always wish I did and will feel lie I didn’t accomplish as much as I wanted, and even go so far as to saying I’d feel stupid. I’ve always gotten praised for doing well in school and told how proud people are of getting two amazing degrees and then doing to one of the top masters schools in the country, yet why do I feel like if I don’t get into medical school I’ll feel not smart/unaccomplished? I’m not sure where that insecurity(?) or irrational thought comes from but I know I’d fee unfulfilled if I missed out on it. 

So maybe I just work for a year and go to medical school late. Or I just get rejected from all the medical schools and it’s out of my control and I move on lmaoo. That would truly solve all of my problems with this but whatever. Pissed I didn’t go the traditional route because I feel like I’m missing out on starting my career but I guess we’ll see what happens right?

[liliumwallichianum]

finna ask myself these cause nobody else will

ASK ME THINGS

*SO I started writing these a long time ago and never finished them so I’m gonna just add all my answers (06/04/2017) in bold enjoy neethz

***EDIT AGAIN this is so wild... 3 years later.... I was so depressed, hated my relationship clearly, and hated myself? Writing on 4/10/2020 and starting at #49 first pass so I can actually finish and publish lol.

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

typical @richiericherson; good morning lol 

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

4months datin; wow! 6 months dating :) 

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

is this a joke? we’re both into them it’s coo; same answer as previous :) 

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

yee; same

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober; same

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

oh yeah HAHAHA; have i though? 

7. What does your last received text say?

“yes”; have fun studying

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

a million and one; and a million more

9. Where was your last kiss at?

in ma bifs bed; my bed this time surprise surprise

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

today morning her bitchass lives w me ; 40 min ago... still live w her bitchass

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water, a smoothie; coffee. ugh the deprogression 

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bifs; my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

hardest; shouldnt be but they are

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

yeah probably work a little harder at the end of last semester; idk a lot i feel but i cant look back specifically and pick things out. i would change almost everything if i could

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

no that would be perfect; yeah we’d just hella yell at each other

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

both but sunny; both but rainy :/ 

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my sister; same

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

pajama shorts; joggers

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

probably; yeah 

20. Does anyone like you?

yee i hope so ; yeah

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

ummm lemme check.. yup 2 people!; still 2 hahah

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

no hahaha; sometimes lol

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

not really there’s all love here; that dunt from hs lol

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yeah just let sarah give me one; can’t believe it’s been 2 months

25. In the past week have you cried?

yeah im weirdly pmsing or im depressed cant tell which; LMFAOOOOOOOO IM SO PREDICTABLE. literally sitting here crying... still dont know if it’s pms or depression 

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

golden :) great dane

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

out out out; out

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no i wish; still wish but tbh i probably have

29. Do you think you’re old?

not at all; TOO OLD BUT TOO YOUNG IDK

30. Do you like text messaging?

not at all; grown to like or tolerate ig

31. What type of day are you having?

stressful cause orgo quiz soon and i know nothing; a normal day. 

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

already have it pierced!; sameee

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold i think; cold ? ugh idk 

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes my bf; my dad.

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

idk about this one tbh.... probably relationship; relationship 

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

both; i try honestly i try

37. What song are you listening to?

none; redemption

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

mostly no... lol i say sorry to ease the situation; nah 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

not even close lol 40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

i was lonely.. peer pressure...  41. When did you last receive a text message?

like just now 42. What is wrong with you right now?

idk i want it to stop though. i want overall sadness to stop . 

43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

p well she’s one of my bffs at wayne 44. Does anyone disgust you?

yea fam almost everyone lol 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

no considering i have a bf 46. Are you in a good mood right now?

i wish  47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

simran  48. What color shirt are you wearing?

black. did u even think differently ?  49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

Probably something bout swap 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? Tryin to give up on swap, giving up on Frank

51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

Yes.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

Swap? Def DONT want him back but can’t let him go 53. Do you like rain?

Yes 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

No unless they’re crazy on it aka swap 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

Probably 56. Do you like to cuddle?

So much..... with Y only 57. Are you shy?

Nah 58. Do you get along with girls?

Yes! I think 59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

No... well kinda? I guess I’ve dated Alex 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

Chapstick, my animal print scrunchie 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

Yeah 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

Yes 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

Unfortunately 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

Yas 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

Yeah, all the boys I’m talking to supporting me lol

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

23/22, 28, 24?

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

Pay 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

Leopard 69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

Hell no 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

Weezy f baby 71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

Android ugh miss mine 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

Wowwwwwww probably the last year 73. Do you like diet soda?    Nah 74. What color are the walls in your room?    Blue w stars 75. Are you 16 or older?    Yes 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    I used to 77. Do you have a job?    Yes being a Med Student   78. What are your initials?    NUS 79. Did you ever have braces?    Nope 80. Are you from the south?    Yup south INDIA

81. What does your last status on facebook say?   Supporting Michelle and sharing her article   82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    No lmfao Meiyan 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?     Probs mom

84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    No 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    Ugh idek something w swap? 86. Do you smoke?    Yes 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    Flip 88. Is your phone touch screen?    Yes 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?   Wavey  90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    Hell yeah 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    Lake 92. Have you ever made out in a car?    Yes 93. …Had sex in a car?    Yesssss best sex ever ugh 94. Are you single or in a relationship?    Single 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    Sleeping 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    July 4? 97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    No 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    Yes 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    Yes 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    Yes 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    Yes 102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    Bro no 103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    Yes kinda 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? Yeah if I was going to faster horses lmaoo    

[halalhyungwon]

1-100 odds

Jaz you’re a real one

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

It depends on the cereal, tbh. Some cereals I prefer a lot of milk and others I put less

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

I’ve used my phone, random sheets of paper, pens/pencils, white out tape…

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

A lil bit

7: do you name your plants?

I don’t have any plants :( If i did, I probably would

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

Yes, I do it constantly

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

Inner joke? Like, inside joke?… I have a lot. And yet, I can’t think of one to share lmao

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

I was on the phone with my bestie for like 5hrs and I hadn’t called them in a while so that made me happy (: 

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

“A total of 32 monkeys have flown in space.”

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

This shade of purple that Minseok had because it is sooo pretty. I’ve wanted to dye my hair that color for the longest time

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I do have a journal and I used to write in it regularly but kinda stopped once I got into sophomore year of college. It was kinda my brain dump and also where I just spilled all my emotions that I never talked to anyone about

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

Favorite?? Hmmm there’s the bag my cousin bought me for my high school prom. It’s cute and small and white and going over your shoulder. I don’t use it much but I’m still happy to have it.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

watch exo and seventeen make fools of themselves lmao

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

I don’t recall breaking into anywhere…but I remember one summer my brother and I went for a walk to a school in my cousin’s neighborhood and an alarm went off and scared tf out of us

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

wintermint (?) i think it’s called

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? 

One of my friends has this pack of cards that says “I LOVE YOU BECAUSE” and then it has a bunch of bullet points for different reasons you could love someone. She gave me one sophomore year and another one just recently and honestly it’s so sweet

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

Socks and I…we acknowledge each other’s existence and hang out when we need to. I only where socks with my sneakers and boots, and when it’s really cold. I cannot where socks all day. Like it’s impossible. When I wear socks I just feel hyper aware of the fact that there is cloth on my feet and it makes me uncomfortable. I can’t go to sleep with socks on, unless I’m extremely tired and just fell asleep. Even then, I’ll wake up with my socks kicked off in the morning.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Most recently! My friend and I were trying to observe the meteor shower last weekend. And like the thing is for the first hour or so we didn’t see any and kept trying to find the best place to observe them. Then, I finally saw one, but it was right when my friend was looking down so she didn’t get to see it! And then, another hour or so passes and it just seems like we’re never gonna see another one, so we decide to head back to our dorms. BUt, on the way back we find a spot that would be just perfect to see them, so we just loitered there for almost another hour, jammin to music and just waiting to see some shooting stars! And then the next one comes but it happens right as I’m looking at my friend to talk to her, but she’s looking up so she gets to see it. After that some time passes and it’s already 3:30 a.m. and I’m tired and lowkey gotta pee, so we start making our way back to the dorms again. And then we find another spot that would be good viewing, so we chill there for a while because, though we’ve both seen a shooting star, we haven’t see one together. So we’re standing there, chillin, being goofs and listening to trap remixes of the Wii theme, when we both look up and go “OH!!!” and freak out bc we finally saw another shooting star and it was just great. 

(I realized I answered this even tho it’s not odd but i’m just gonna keep it bc i love it too much)

33: what’s your fave pastry?

do cinnamon rolls count as pastries?…i could really go for one…

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

Yes I do!! But I don’t have many :(( Part of me wants to buy a big set but like I already have a bunch of pens and notebooks (but they arent all aesthetic and pretty and stuff) and I also think i’d stop using them after a week or so

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

I like having a neat room (I cleaned my room today I’m so happy, it looks so spacious) 

39: what color do you wear the most?

Black, probably

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

I don’t read often but I think the last book I really enjoyed … Howl’s Moving Castle

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

@batmanlemonade hey ;) [see #32]

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

No? maybe? idk

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

pickles…

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I wishhh I could just buy all the cd’s i’ve ever wanted. If I had more money I probably would have a nice collection. The last CD i’ve bought was back in high school and I think it was OneRepublic’s Native album

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

My little brother… whenever i hear transformer, touch it, monster or kkb I think about him bc those are his favorite exo songs loll

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I don’t think I’ve watched any of these but beetlejuice, and I love beetlejuice

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

I scrolled through my kyungsoo tag for a good hour or so to prove to my friend how much i love him sfdjkl; that’s not very dramatic but it’s the first thing I thought of. She really didn’t question that I loved him, I just love any excuse to look through my tags

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

bohemian rhapsody is a classic sfkl; um it always reminds me of my childhood bc my brothers and i used to watch these animated videos and one of them was of bohemian rhapsody but with megaman characters lmao

59: what’s your favorite myth?

UHmmm I really don’t know lol sorry

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

In sophomore year I wanted to buy my roommate her favorite flavor of ice cream but I didn’t have money so I drew ice cream on a post-it note for her I can’t think of a stupid gift I’ve received…

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

lol no, i just let ‘em be. they’re chillin

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

my cousin who’s in med school, I haven’t seen her in too long :c

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

I kinda like those days. If I’m in a good mood, gray skies, cool breezes and light rain make me feel better. Otherwise, it’s just meh.

69: what are your favorite board games?

There’s this Korean board game that I can’t remember the name of for the life of me, and tbh since I haven’t played it in a while I don’t remember the exact rules, but it’s kinda of like Sorry! I’ve only played it twice but it was really fun both times

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

Chai

73: what are some of your worst habits?

putting myself down and procrastinating

75: tell us about your pets!

I don’t have any :-( I’ve been really wanting a cat lately

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

Pink~

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

Hmmm when I was in high school I reeeally loved Michael Buble (I still do, have you heard that man’s voice?) so for Valentine’s day, my friend got me this box and taped his face on the top lmaoo with a reference to one of his song lyrics. The box was filled with flowers and chocolate and gum (but at the time I had braces so i couldn’t even chew the gum lolll)

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

I really wish I could but I’m not creative and this headache I have isn’t helping safhjlk sorry

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

I really like the cover for 1R’s Native album, and also p!atd’s too weird to live too rare to die

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

Not really, but I’d like to

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

Howl’s Moving Castle, Room No 7 starring Do Kyungsoo, coming out November 15 and..I can’t really think of another one

89: are you close to your parents?

Kinda sorta

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

i have no plans to travel :( 

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

My hair in it’s natural state lol covered by my hijab

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

Chillin! I was supposed to lock myself up in my room and finally watch the exo and seventeen concerts I have downloaded but i haven’t gotten around to watching them yet. But I have been chillin in my room so it’s been alright

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp, scorpio, and i have no idea

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

UHhhmmm Call Me Baby and Heaven by EXO; Healing and Don’t Listen in Secret by Seventeen; Hug Me by Jung Joon Il

[dykebitc]

the past few weeks i’ve been pretty set on losing julie like. is it even a loss? she’s high 100% of the time now and hanging out with julie and tanner last week just got me. like? it’s not even them anymore, they’re all high at least 80% of the time, is there really anything left of them at this point? they’ve all absorbed each other’s bad habits like. they’ve all got tanner’s refusal to be wrong(even his making it so the other person is wrong in his mind), they’re all skipping school bc of julie (hey guys weren’t we supposed to be stopping her from skipping?), and julie’s picked up on gage’s sheep mentality lmao. They just smoke nonstop and it’s pretty clear that julie’s probably getting high on something other than weed, too, lately. 

Last sunday we all decided to go to the techno dance last saturday, nat saying she’d only go if she could take a few shots beforehand -if you think it’s hypocritical, just consider this is a 1-time thing. tanner gage and julie don’t go anywhere sober- and julie’s like oh, d a r n, i can’t drink because of my meds.... can i smoke? we all are silent because. who, exactly, was she kidding ? she’s always high and it’s not like we don’t know.... lmao.... and at the techno dance she reeked of weed, of course, -lately just the smell of weed pisses me off lol- and she was wearing makeup (meaning, she was with emma beforehand, which was who she was with last time i think she was more than high on cannabis). court nat and i were all still pretty pissed at her so we all kinda subconsciously gave her the cold shoulder.... not 30 minutes into the dance courtney natalie and julie are looking for me &jenna, and courtney’s like julie do you see them? and julie. snaps. at her, asking who! and they exchange for a bit, courtney asking, why are you so angry? julie says shes just tired ! and courtney says something, and julie says shes just gonna go home and chill ! courtney says fine! go smoke some more! have fun! julie says i will! . and that was that.

also julie still has my leather jacket i need that back i’m pissed? ! 

and last night gage texted me he can’t take me to school anymore and i laughed. guess he’s gotta get up early to smoke with tanner and julie before school too! what happened  to not smoking for a month to apply for whatever job that was? how long did that last???? 3 days??? less???? and oh, they’re just so full of it. last week natalie texted gage and tanner, asking why the fuck are they smoking with julie if they agreed they wouldn’t? and tanner exchanges some bs with natalie, eventually climaxing with

“if julie just wants to kill herself when she’s not high,

shouldn’t 

she

be

high

all

the

time

?

“

damn, tanner? you’re so right???? fuck actual recovery, escapism is a fine way of life, huh?????? 

and when that exchange got brought up last week, tanner, presented it as though, man, he really got her there !!!! i even told him, tanner, you know what you said was fucking stupid right? 

well anyways back to the dance, julie left and talked to gage bc she was upset. we’re like what the fuck does she have to be upset for? she was the one who snapped out of nowhere. until we realized we were giving her the cold shoulder. which.i guess i feel bad about but i’m allowed to be pissed and i’m sick of pretending for her sake anyways. 

and today, you see i always walk with tanner after 3rd hour, but i didn’t really know where we stood after all this. taylor luckily runs to my locker and i say ! thank you i’m avoiding someone. i waited a little bit for him but i never saw him so idk if he was just runnin late or if he was avoiding me too. honestly he was probably avoiding me too but who knows ! but today, gage texts me srry can’t take you home today, (he’s smoking, ofc) and huygtfcvhjbkljhbnj i see julie in his car huygfrtghjkljh like i knew he was gonna be smoking with her but just. seeing it is so jihgfcdxghjhfdhdh i flipped them off, i actually meant to be joking but idk if they saw or saw it as joking lmaoo.... but either way , not long after, julie tanner and gage leave the group chat. when courtney texted me telling me that, i hollered. it’s just. they’re so full of it? and i just....... it’s so reminiscent of when jared left the groupchat....... because he didn’t like that we were drinking and shit.... except reversed ? just an extremely dramatic move... out of nowhere really... they could have just ...let it be let the groupchat die... but nah they really had to get the message across !

but i admit i did get sad earlier like am i really ready to break it off with julie? i thought of the past two years of being friends and how i’d miss that. but i remembered! julie’s gone and she’s been replaced with . whatever high ass bitch she is now. i don’t care at this point i just want my jacket back

[niomora]

Hhhh how do I like, like myself?

Legit don't know what it feels like and I'm not sure I ever have

All I do is view myself like a victim and I never get my shit together or do anything, I'm starting to think I'm incapable

I didn't fully realise how happy I was last year until September hit and I've felt like pure shite ever since and idk how to end it?

Like I got rlly depressed when I was 14/15 and it literally just went away itself, well it came back in like a year but yknow

Hopefully when I'm out of lockdown I can see a therapist or try some meds or something, like I just wanna enjoy life and enjoy being me but it's hard when I'm the literal opposite of who I want to be, not that I fully know who I am

I have a very warped sense of self and its rlly annoying because I genuinely don't know what kind of person I am apart from sensitive, scared shitless, insecure and a doormat, like I don't rlly see much else? Am I funny? Good to be around? Annoying? Probably annoying lmaoo

Idk at this point like I'm not even sad I'm just kinda numb and it just feels so easy to accept that I'm never gonna like myself and that's just it

I think I'm just stuck in this 'poor me' act and it's really pissing me off, like I want to feel strong, I want to feel empowered, but when I do something gutsy like when I told those guys to piss off, I then get threatened, I get followed, I immediately cry and run away and now I don't like walking in the dark anymore.

It's just really hard to see myself as strong, or brave when I'm so riddled with anxiety, and not to mention the fact that in my head I tend to make I guess like a hierarchy of the people around me? Like everyone around me is strong, they know what they want, they know how they feel and they aren't scared to express it (which I know that may not be the case, everyone has their own insecurities, but this is how they appear in my fucked up brain) I can't explain it better than they're a higher-up human?? And it's not just a 'omg everyone's better than me' it's like, idk how to explain it and I don't think anyone ever understands what I mean but I feel less than human, like there's a base level, and I'm like nowhere near that, I don't feel experienced enough in being a person, i can't form my own opinions because if mine differ from everyone else's (this isn't all the time but most the time) then they're probably right, right? Because they're human, and I'm not there yet, I'm arguing with someone and they say I'm wrong, well I am aren't I? They're human, and I'm not there yet so they must be right, this isn't applied to every situation but it is to most, I feel less than a person and I don't know how to stop thinking like that, it's hard to convince yourself you're a brave and strong person when you don't even feel like a person at all

That and I hate how much of a kick I get out of drama, I hate how much I love to bitch and tear people down only because I don't feel human, I drag them down because hey, at least I'm not like them, no I'm not, but I am spineless enough to drag people down to my level instead of trying to raise myself up, and it's pathetic! BEYOND pathetic, I shouldn't have to rip people to pieces to feel whole, I shouldn't have to be such a cowardly fucking bitch to distract myself from my own self hate, and I shouldn't have to enjoy it so much

I want to be honest

I want to be kind

I want to be able to put my foot down when someone mistreats me or the people I love

I want to do what I want to do without fear of judgement

I want to stop being a peacekeeper just because I can't stand being caught in conflict that I'm not even necessarily a part of

I want to shove my hands inside my brain, rip out my insecurities and fucking set them on fire

I want to get angry

I want to scream

I want to punch shit

I want to be able to fucking live my fucking life

I want to be a fucking human

I don't know what the point of this is, I never post on Tumblr, but I guess I just need to get this all off my chest? And it felt kinda good to

Anyway sorry if anyone read this lol