#even the person im closest to here seemed perturbed by me today

[halfdeadwallfly]

Rehearsal and then after rehearsal and also in between of rehearsal and I think they're starting to regret having me. And perhaps justifiably but I have a bug with me and my bug is almost gone but I'm holding him so he doesn't die in the basement bathroom of the university catholic music room. So I am overcompensating by keeping quiet but that's wrong too and now we're done And I'm loud again and this time I'm eating dinner alone and I was ravenous and breathing so much but now I can't breathe and I'm only thirsty so so thirsty and now (not yet) I'm at home and I'm waiting and I. Am quieter than before and too loud again. And still imagining it.

[mrm-pachypoda]

Idk who the fuck I can talk to about this, so I’m writing it here just so it’s Somewhere™️

So, to lay a bit of background, I may or may not have psychosis. I’m going to get officially tested in early May, so we’ll see soon.

Another thing to note is that I’m a fan of the Magnus Archives. So, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess that I’ve been having hallucinations regarding the Distortion. Specifically Michael, I think. It’s probably because it was my comfort character when listening through the podcast?

Anyway.

I started seeing it a month ago, outside my window at night, or on the opposite side of the street, to eventually being right behind me. However, usually if I looked at it directly, it was gone.

I was feeling its Presence months before that, since November at the earliest. I was oddly never perturbed by Knowing that it was there, even when I somehow Knew what it was.

I’m a city guy, who insists on taking public transport everywhere instead of figuring out how to drive. Today was no different, sitting down at the second closest seat to the front door of the bus, on a weird elevated platform directly over one of the front wheels. Before the bus takes off, I see him. Or it.

Based on a generous guesstimate, it was broadly six and a half feet tall. Clad in thick black snow boots, snow pants (?) and a long winter coat with synthetic fur lining the hood. It was a lot more muted than I thought, actually. It had skin. Don’t know what color, but it was human. It did have unruly, curly shoulder-length blond hair, but it could’ve been anywhere between dirty blond to golden to platinum: I truly couldn’t tell. I think it had eyes, but I could only ever see its irises. I never could see a sclera, and I couldn’t tell where its eyelids began. Every time I looked at it, the color of its hair and eyes(?) shifted. However, its eyes were usually green, I think. I think it had a nose, and it must have had a mouth, but I never really saw them. It was like looking at an outline of a person, where inside it was fuzzy, and the edges weren’t exact sharp. Its image was clearer when I didn’t fully look at it.

After the bus started moving, It pulled itself up by the bars overhead, moving towards me, but gripping on those bars like inertia had an effect on it. While it was walking, its hands seemed larger, its legs distended, before looking broadly normal again when it sat down on the seat next to me.

We didn’t have conversations. It could communicate negatives and affirmatives, along with general emotions which in combination could tell me basic things when combined with the gestures it made. However, when it tried to Talk, its mouth didn’t move, and it made no sound, but I knew that it was talking. It almost felt like it was speaking at a frequency that only dogs could hear, and its non-mouth that was maybe smiling simply wasn’t animated.

I Knew that it didn’t like my taste in music. I Knew that it was encouraging me to open the monster can that was in the bottle pocket of my bag. I Knew that it found the flannel that I was wearing to be distasteful, especially considering the patches that I’d recently sewed on its elbows were very obviously eye-shaped. I knew that it wanted to laugh, but couldn’t.

It followed me off the bus, moved along with the foot traffic, and didn’t’n’t comment on how the weather was ‘too cold’ for my outfit, even though it was in the mid-forties. It seemed.. certain? Smug? That it.. dressed, I think, ready for the weather. It was 44*F. It’s in hardcore winter camping but also maybe instagram-able clothing (that is, if you applied enough filters). Im definitely tangenting now, but dude’s deranged (no shit).

Yet another case of the pot calling the kettle black, I guess.

It both was and wasn’t tangible. I put a hand on its shoulder, at one point, and nothing was stopping gravity from having an effect on my hand to let it drop, but it didn’t. I quickly snapped my hand away, obviously. That wasn’t a not-sensation that I would ever want to experience again.

Eventually, it didn’t leave. But it did. I saw it get off the second bus and leave, but it also didn’t move at all, just disappearing.

I still don’t know how to feel about it. I wasn’t scared at all, but I know I should be disturbed by this. I know that I should bring this up with someone.

As a side note before I forget:

I’ve drawn Michael before. What I saw today really doesn’t reflect how I have drawn it in the past. This looked almost human, where in my illustrations I tended to lean into it being something Other Than. Don’t know how to feel about that, either.

So, that’s all I have for now. Any thoughts?