#i feel like ive been having an anxiety attack for like 20 hours

[sadwizardvibes]

Ive done it. Ive hit the threshhold of stress where i become physically ill. I could laugh and say the catalyst was cashing my father in law’s christmas check of $150 (i cannot accept money from him under any circumstances, cries my brain!) or walking through ikea and pretending to be cool with my mother in law buying us a piece of furniture (whats a polite amount? What should i offer? I cannot accept money or favors under any circumstances, cries my brain!)

But really its probably the insane weekend i had surrounding my neighbor’s domestic abuse situation, the cops being called, and also the fact that i will probably be broken up with in a starbucks tomorrow by someone who has known me since before i could even write and that i will have to call out of work to do so because i mixed my days up like an idiot <3

[odvunir]

physical/mental health update

quick rundown of how things have been from november til now

everything was going mostly normal until

my dad passed away very suddenly and i needed funds getting down there for his celebration of life

i converted several large donations into large commissions because i wanted to show appreciation

i ended up spending more and more on the ticket due to schedule conflicts with several people

i had a mixed time but overall i was in an unhealthy environment physically and mentally the whole time

both bus trips exhausted me. in every way imaginable. i was up 30+ hours each time and greyhound buses are genuinely the most uncomfortable cramped shit ive ever encountered in my life.

i got home and was still recovering from the stress and exhaustion when i caught covid for the first time, and was obviously unable to function or get proper rest for several days.

as soon as i started to feel better i took a small edible (fairly normal for me, im dependent on weed) and experienced an anxiety attack that mimicked a heart attack (which was what my dad passed from at 56 so i couldn't stop thinking about him and panicking more, my heart rate was 165 when the paramedics got there, my limbs were weak, i couldn't stop shaking and my chest felt like someone smeared menthol all over it)

i went to the ER and spent 20 minutes with 4 different nurses trying to get blood / IV, i was dehydrated the whole time and they wanted me to get fluids via IV (so you know.) they actually blew a vein in my hand and it still hurts

i was given temporary anti anxiety meds which for a few days actually helped me sleep

i got my period, which for me includes a LOT of pain and fatigue and mental erraticism

i woke up one night directly into an anxiety attack and had to call my boyfriend for several hours until the physical symptoms faded. this put my sleeping schedule off course

i continued to have difficulty sleeping bc i was so afraid of laying down to sleep and getting an anxiety attack that it would end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. i usually smoke a bit of weed to help me sleep - that went out the window as it also gave me massive anxiety attacks

i finally calmed down my anxiety and i have a new culprit keeping me awake - snoring. i have snored myself awake 5 times at least, just in the 6 hours i was able to sleep just now.

on top of all this, getting commissions to pay rent and bills has been more difficult than ever before and i'm terrified i'll have to ask for help or go further into debt just to be able to pay rent. an anonymous user gifted me enough money to go see a doctor about my anxiety and i still haven't gone - because i still have a couple hundred to go before i can even pay rent and bills, which all tend to hit me at the same time.

i continue to be behind on commissions because, well gestures to all of the above. which stresses me out more because i have always prided myself on delivering commissions in a timely manner and having to bump people week after week and book comms a full month and a half in advance is grating on my psyche.

so yeah

does a silly little pose

[yifftwiceplz]

ooc physical / mental health update

quick rundown of how things have been from november til now

everything was going mostly normal until

my dad passed away very suddenly and i needed funds getting down there for his celebration of life

i converted several large donations into large commissions because i wanted to show appreciation

i ended up spending more and more on the ticket due to schedule conflicts with several people

i had a mixed time but overall i was in an unhealthy environment physically and mentally the whole time

both bus trips exhausted me. in every way imaginable. i was up 30+ hours each time and greyhound buses are genuinely the most uncomfortable cramped shit ive ever encountered in my life.

i got home and was still recovering from the stress and exhaustion when i caught covid for the first time, and was obviously unable to function or get proper rest for several days.

as soon as i started to feel better i took a small edible (fairly normal for me, im dependent on weed) and experienced an anxiety attack that mimicked a heart attack (which was what my dad passed from at 56 so i couldn't stop thinking about him and panicking more, my heart rate was 165 when the paramedics got there, my limbs were weak, i couldn't stop shaking and my chest felt like someone smeared menthol all over it)

i went to the ER and spent 20 minutes with 4 different nurses trying to get blood / IV, i was dehydrated the whole time and they wanted me to get fluids via IV (so you know.) they actually blew a vein in my hand and it still hurts

i was given temporary anti anxiety meds which for a few days actually helped me sleep

i got my period, which for me includes a LOT of pain and fatigue and mental erraticism

i woke up one night directly into an anxiety attack and had to call my boyfriend for several hours until the physical symptoms faded. this put my sleeping schedule off course

i continued to have difficulty sleeping bc i was so afraid of laying down to sleep and getting an anxiety attack that it would end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. i usually smoke a bit of weed to help me sleep - that went out the window as it also gave me massive anxiety attacks

i finally calmed down my anxiety and i have a new culprit keeping me awake - snoring. i have snored myself awake 5 times at least, just in the 6 hours i was able to sleep just now.

on top of all this, getting commissions to pay rent and bills has been more difficult than ever before and i'm terrified i'll have to ask for help or go further into debt just to be able to pay rent. an anonymous user gifted me enough money to go see a doctor about my anxiety and i still haven't gone - because i still have a couple hundred to go before i can even pay rent and bills, which all tend to hit me at the same time.

i continue to be behind on commissions because, well gestures to all of the above. which stresses me out more because i have always prided myself on delivering commissions in a timely manner and having to bump people week after week and book comms a full month and a half in advance is grating on my psyche.

so yeah

does a silly little pose

[duskwoodgirl4life]

Resquesting something to make me feel some type of comfort. Jake x f!reader where she just starts coughing and then her whole body shakes and she can’t moves her legs, fingers or cheeks cause it hurts a lot? It happened to me today I had to get carried to the urgency’s and they did some stuff on me so I got better and I can move again but the reason it happens was a mix of allergic reactions because of some meds I was taking because I was coughing a lot and I had a anxiety attack and couldn’t breath correctly. If you could come up with Jake being by her side or something trough it I would love to read it! (I’m horrible at any medic terms) but they used a needle on my forearm so I would connect to a liquid with medication and it was going to my body. After 20 minutes I started to feel my hand getting better. When it was all in my gains I could fully move again. They removed it, I got called by the doctor again and they said to not take those meds again and go back to therapy which I was skipping for 3 weeks now 😭 anyways I know this is a LOTTTTTTTT but I just need some comfort after all this happened (by the way I got orange bracelet which means I could get attended quicker cause I was full on not moving and breathing really weirdly because of the attack)

Hi annon,

I am so sorry you had to go through all that I hope you are feeling better, it must of been a scary time for you. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope that you are doing well my inbox is always open if you ever need to talk.

I've come up with something that I hope you love.

Please Help Me…..

Jake's POV

Today I was going to see MC for our 5th date. She invited me to her apartment for dinner. I love her cooking. The amazing smells that come from the kitchen when I enter her apartment are out of this world. We have slowly been seeing more of each other. I love spending all my free time with her. As I get closer to her apartment I can smell the different flavors coming from the kitchen. A small smile breaks out on my face and a warm feeling spreads throughout my body. I softly knock on the door and wait for MC to open the door. After a few moments of waiting I start to get concerned so I take the key she gave me out of my pocket for emergencies and open the door.

I start to shout MCs name but she doesn't answer me back, I walk towards the kitchen and see her laying on the floor. I rush over to her and check her pulse. It's so weak I can barely feel it. I quickly take my phone out and dial 999. I stay on the phone with the operator and they tell me what to do while I wait for the ambulance to arrive. I started CPR. It felt like a lifetime waiting for an ambulance to arrive but I kept on doing CPR. Finally MC starts to breathe and coughs badly. "It's okay MC I'm here the ambulance will be here soon" MC looks at me full of concern and worry. "Jake I-i can't move please help me" a tear fell from MCs eye as she lay on the floor.

Moments later the ambulance arrived. I stood back while they worked on MC, they placed her onto a stretcher and took her to the waiting ambulance outside. Once in the ambulance I sat next to her and held her hand the whole way there. Her breathing was shallow but she was hanging in she was always a fighter. We arrived at the hospital and a team of nurses and doctors were waiting. They took MC into the hospital and started to work on her. They put an IV into her and gave her fluids and other medications I wasn't allowed to go in but I could see everything.

My heart felt like it had been ripped apart seeing her like this broke my heart, i wanted to rush over to her and hold her hand kiss her on her soft lips. I was forced to stand and watch while the doctors and nurses worked on her. After half an hour of waiting one of the doctors came over to me and said I could go in and see her. "She's woken up and is doing well" the doctor could see the worry and concern in my eyes. "What happened to her? Will she be okay?" "I've sent her blood work off and we will know in the next hour" the doctor gave me a reassuring smile and I walked over to MCs bedside.

"MC, I'm here baby everything is going to be okay I promise I won't leave your side" I take hold of MCs hand and hold it in mine. "Jake? I'm so scared, please help me" tears began to flow once again from MCs eyes. "Everything is going to be okay baby I won't let anything happen to you" I give MCs hand a squeeze as I sit down next to her not leaving her side for a single second. An hour had passed and the doctor came back with the blood work results "Hi MC how are you doing? I've got the blood work back and it's showed you have had an allergic reaction to one of your meds what we will do is take you off then right away and give you something to help counteract the other meds" I looked up at the doctor and I knew which meds he was talking about. "Will she be okay? When can I take her home?" "She will make a full recovery, I want to keep her here for a few more hours and then of everything is good she can go home" the doctor left as I looked at MC for the first time today I could see hope in her eyes.

"Everything is going to be okay MC, I can take you home in a few hours okay" MC looked up at me and gave me the most beautiful smile it warmed my heart" "Jake, thank you for everything you did I love you so much" MC took my hand and placed a soft kiss on it I couldn't help but smile. "I love you to MC and I would do it all over again if I had to. I won't let anything or anyone ever hurt you" "Jake, lay next to me" I couldn't resist that smile so I carefully and slowly climbed onto the bed and put my arm around MC.

A few hours had passed and everything was looking really good. MC was starting to get back to her old self again. "Right MC I've checked your charts and everything is looking excellent I think we can discharge you now" my face lit up at hearing the doctor's words I was so happy I could take MC home again.

I helped MC get dressed and made our way towards the waiting taxi, I helped her get in. I ran round the other side of the taxi and got in next to her. 20 minutes later we had arrived back at her apartment and we slowly made our way back into the building. I was so thankful for the lift I don't think MC could handle going up stairs. We entered her apartment. I helped MC into her bedroom and sat her down on the bed. "Jake, can you stay with me I don't want to be alone not ever" a tear fell from her eye it broke my heart to see her like this. "Of course MC, I told you I won't leave your side. I will stay with you for as long as you need" MC put her hand in mine and looked me in the eyes. "Jake, I was going to ask you this over dinner but then everything happened so I will ask you now, will you move in with me?" I couldn't help the smile on my face. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. "I'd love nothing more than to move in with you MC, I love you" "I love you to Jake"

A few weeks had passed and I had moved in with MC, she was now back to herself and was doing amazing. We had been living together for a few weeks and I loved every second of it. She is my everything. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her. MC must have seen the concerned look on my face and came over to me and sat down next to me. "Hey, I'm okay I promise having you by my side means so much to me Jake I couldn't have gotten through to him without you" look up at MC with tears in my eyes I love this woman so much. She wrapped her arms around me and placed a soft kiss on my lips. "I'm not going anywhere Jake" "weather am I MC" we both shared a kiss and cuddled up on the bed together holding each other in our arms.

[berries]

i feel really awful right now i have so much anxiety

[heyyy-hey-babyyy]

When We Were Young (part VIII)

Dean x Fem!Reader; Sam x Fem!Reader (platonic)

Read part I here ; Read part II here ; Read part III here ;

Read part IV here ; Read part V here ; Read part VI here

Read part VII here

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of trauma/abuse, brief moments of self-harm, mentions of anxiety attack, *moments of assault*

**This chapter contains images of assault. Please be aware if this is trigging for you!

B/N: I’m getting a little lost in my own timeline, so apologies for any inaccuracies... All mistakes I claim as my own.

Summary: Dean, Sam, and Y/N grew up together, but when she’s taken away for over 10 years, the boys have no idea what she’s been through. Will asking her to move into the bunker with them reveal more than she’s ready for?

1773 words

All you could hear was the constant dripping of the pipes above you, one splashing cold water on the back of your neck. Greg hadn’t left you alone after unbuttoning Dean’s flannel, and rather decided to strip you down and shackle your hands above your head again after. Then he walked out of the room, leaving you shivering, still leaning on your naked and bruised knees, arms growing numb above you. 

You had to have been in the same position for over eight hours or so after you factored in how long you might have been passed out, and your body felt like it was ready to snap in half. You couldn’t lift your head anymore, though you wanted to move out of the dripping water, which felt like standing under a cold shower. But you couldn’t be too worried about it, because suddenly you felt an arm snake around your waist and lift you to your feet. You felt yourself fall into a slight feeling of hope, thinking that perhaps Dean had finally come for you. But your hopes were dashed when Greg whispered in your ear. 

“Okay, hunny-bear, time to make it up to me.” You whimpered slightly in response, and you felt Greg release his hold on your waist, your body crashing roughly to the floor, chains yanking your arms above your head again almost ripping your limbs from their sockets. You cried out with what energy you had left, tears slipping down your cheeks. 

“Oh dear. I’m sorry hunny, I didn’t realize you were this weak already...” He trailed off, pulling you to a standing position again. He spoke like he cared about you, but you heard the smile behind his voice, relishing in the fact that you couldn’t fight back right now. “I’ll make sure to be gentle,” he whispered in your ear again, making you shudder, tears continuing to fall down your face. 

Greg grabbed the back of your neck, bending you at the waist and holding you up on your own legs, rendering you completely powerless, afraid he would snap your neck if he felt like it. You felt fear course through your body as her rubbed his other hand slowly down your exposed back tracing a long scar down your side that you got from a vampire hunt, ending at your hip bone. You hated the way he seemed to be caring for you, his movements slow and careful, and your mind quickly drifted to Dean. Shaking your head, you dislodged the hunter’s green eyes from your mind, knowing you would need to repress this memory later on and it would be impossible if Dean was anywhere near it. Greg felt you shaking your head, and he stilled his movements, turning to stand in front of you instead, hand still at your neck. 

“What’s wrong, hunny?” He lifted your head so that you were forced to look into his eyes, and he smiled knowingly. “Oh, I get it. You’ve moved on.” He gave you a small pout and you avoided his gaze. “It’s okay, I want this to be good for you. And honestly, it doesn’t matter what body I��m in anyway. It feels amazing either way.” You whipped your head around, suddenly staring into bright green eyes. Gasping loudly, you were suddenly pulled forward toward the lips of Dean Winchester. You froze, but felt yourself kissing him back slightly, your brain playing tricks on you. Dean pulled away and smiled at you widely, and you smiled back until he opened his mouth. 

“That’s right, hunny-bear. Now we can both be comfortable.” ‘Dean’ disappeared from your view and you felt a small bout of strength, your body fighting against the chains holding you in place, trying to escape from the nightmare your brain couldn’t even imagine up. But Greg’s hands held you tight to him, and you felt his hips move against you. You were prepared to accept this happening to you at the hands of Greg, but you couldn’t get the image of Dean standing before you in the damp room out of your head. And though you kept repeating to yourself that it wasn’t Dean, it was becoming impossible as Greg continued to speak, Dean’s gruff voice floating up to you. 

“Alright hunny,” he cooed, stroking up and down your back as you heard the zipper of his jeans. “Are you ready for me?” 

You didn’t respond, your mind shutting down like it had so many times before to help you survive this moment. You felt some pressure to your core, and then your body was moving back and forth, but you felt numb, and didn’t say a word. You weren’t sure how long Greg used you, but when he was done, he pulled out, zipped back up, and came to stand in front of you. Dean’s body came into view, and he looked concerned, as he swiped at the tears you didn’t realize were streaming down your face, cupping your cheek. You involuntarily leaned into it, and when you looked up again, Greg was staring into your eyes. You leaned out of his grasp, and he sighed, pulling you forward to kiss you on the top of the head. 

“I have something I have to do hunny-bear. I’ll be back soon.” And just like that he was gone, leaving you hanging from the chains, bent at the waist. 

You started to sob silently, knowing that Greg didn’t destroy you 13 years ago. He destroyed you now, using the only man you felt comfortable with against you. Being a hunter you didn’t believe in anything you couldn’t see, so you often refused to believe in God, but in that moment you felt yourself praying, reaching out to anything or anyone to help you. 

You suddenly heard the rush of wind and the flutter of wings, as a figure appeared in front of you. Too tired to react you attempted to move away from whoever had appeared in the room, when you felt a soft hand on your cheek, causing a warmth to spread throughout your body. 

“Hello, Y/N.” The figure began and you looked up into bright blue eyes. “I heard your prayer. My name is Castiel. I am an angel of the Lord.” You stared up at the man in disbelief before your world went black. 

-----------

Cas disappeared as quickly as he appeared and Dean spun around looking for him in the small room. 

“Cas!” He yelled into the emptiness, but the angel didn’t reappear. Dean scoffed, returning to find Sam and Bobby in the living room. Sam rose to his feet when Dean entered, looking questioningly behind him, anticipating Cas following Dean. Dean shook his head, throwing his hands up the air, when he heard the flutter of wings behind him again. The look on Sam’s face made Dean whip around nervously afraid of what he might find behind him. 

Cas was standing in the doorway to the office holding Y/N tightly in his arms. He had shed his trench coat and it was wrapped around an unmistakingly naked Y/N like a towel. 

“Hello Dean,” Cas repeated for the second time in 20 minutes, and Dean rushed forward taking Y/N out of Cas’ arms and cradling you tightly to his chest. You looked as if you were sleeping, but your face looked like you were in pain, stuck in whatever nightmare you were being forced into. Bobby and Sam rushed over to where Dean stood holding you, both men looking murderous. 

“Cas, what happened?!” Sam was yelling, unable to control his emotions, and Castiel stood awkwardly, not having the people skills to deal with human emotions this complex. He took a beat or two to answer, but Dean cut him off, not ready to hear the story while you were still in the room.

Dean shifted you slightly in his arms and your face relaxed as he hiked you up, your head resting in the crook of his neck. He didn’t want to leave you alone right now, but he wanted you to be more comfortable as you slept, and didn’t want you to be naked anymore. He motioned with his head for his brother to follow him upstairs. Sam followed, and as they reached the stairs Dean spoke over his shoulder. 

“Cas, stick around.” Cas nodded once, and Bobby motioned for him to sit on the couch him and Sam had just vacated. Cas sat awkwardly fixing his stare on the wall ahead of him, as Bobby left the room. 

Dean walked toward Bobby’s room upstairs knowing you would feel most comfortable there if you woke up while they were downstairs talking to Cas. Sam opened the door for him, and stood in the doorway as you placed Y/N down on the soft blankets. 

“Sam,” Dean spoke up, making sure you were fully covered with Cas’ trench coat for the moment after you were jostled about a bit. “Can you find Y/N’s bag and get maybe some sleep shorts, or something we can get on her easily?” Sam nodded, disappearing from the room. You took a second to take in Y/N’s appearance, not seeing any signs that you had been hurt, but you figured you’d learn the extent of the injuries from Cas, as Dean was sure he healed you before bringing you here. He knew Cas wouldn’t without permission, but he also secretly hoped that Cas had scrubbed your memories of whatever had happened in the hours that you were missing. 

Sam returned while he was lost in his thoughts, clearing his throat simply. Dean turned around and Sam handed him a pair of Y/N’s loose shorts and one of Sam’s flannels, figuring it would work best to cover her. 

“Can you help me?” Dean asked his brother awkwardly, not wanting to betray Y/N’s trust, especially not when you were sleeping. Sam nodded coming forward while Dean placed each of your feet carefully in the leg holds of the shorts. You were still in a deep sleep, your chest rising and falling slowly, so Dean pulled the shorts up your legs, careful to not touch you, and both brothers looked away while Dean slid your shorts up over your hips and Sam moved the bottom of the trench coat out of the way. They repeated the same process to move Sam’s flannel over your head and slip your hands into the sleeves. Sam grabbed Cas’ trench coat off the bed and left the room, nodding once at Dean with pain in his eyes. 

Dean couldn’t stop looking at you, relishing in how peaceful you looked now that you were curled up in the blankets with familiar smells all around. He felt a tear slip down over his cheeks, and he swiped at it angrily, muttering to himself that he didn’t deserve to cry right now. Leaning forward he pressed his lips softly to your head and you stirred lightly, letting out a dreamy sigh, and Dean stood intent on killing the monster that hurt you before you even woke up and bringing his head to you as a trophy.

Read part IX here

When We Were Young Tag List: @vicmc624 @woundedxsmile @akshi8278

[mikeandjones]

What is Ritalin For and How to Use

Ritalin or Ritalin is a medicine that has its active ingredient Methylphenidate Hydrochloride, a central nervous system stimulant, indicated for the treatment of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, also called ADHD, purple haze strain, and narcolepsy. 

This medicine is a type of amphetamine that works by stimulating mental activities, so it has become popular among adults who want to study or stay awake for longer. However, this use is not recommended, and these effects are not proven.

In addition to this, methylphenidate can have various dangerous side effects for those who use it without indication, such as nervousness, increased blood pressure, palpitations, buying moon rocks, weed, muscle spasms, hallucinations or chemical dependence. Those can only purchase Ritalin at prescription pharmacies.

What is it for?

Ritalin has methylphenidate, which is a psychostimulant. This medication stimulates concentration and reduces drowsiness, which is indicated in the treatment for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in children and adults.

It can also be indicated to treat narcolepsy, a disorder characterized by the manifestation of daytime sleepiness symptoms, inappropriate sleep episodes and sudden loss of voluntary muscle tone. 

Is Ritalin Good for Memory and Studies?

Ritalin is popular among students who call this medicine 'the intelligence pill' because it helps with memory and concentration, moon rocks, and helps during the study period. However, the efficacy of this medicine in healthy people has never been proven.

In this way, the person can even spend the night awake studying, but the attention will not necessarily improve, silver haze weed, purple haze weed strain, and he may not remember the content the next day.

Therefore, Ritalin should not improve memory and concentration; it is used only to treat diseases such as narcolepsy, attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity, as indicated in its leaflet. If you are a student and need a remedy to stay more awake, you need to increase your retention and concentration.

How to Take Ritalin

1. Attention deficit and hyperactivity

The dosage should be indicated according to each person's individual needs and clinical response, also varying according to age. So the recommended dose of Ritalin are the following:

Children aged six years or older:  should be started with 5 mg, 1 or 2 times a day, increasing the dose weekly from 5 to 10 mg. The total daily amount ought to be administered in divided doses.

The dosage of Ritalin LA, which are the modified-release capsules, is as follows: 

Children aged six years or older:  can be started with 10 or 20 mg, according to medical criteria, once a day in the morning. 

Adults:  For people who still do not have a treatment with methylphenidate, the recommended starting dose of Ritalin LA is 20 mg once daily. For people who already have treatment with methylphenidate, this can continue therapy with the same daily dose. In adults, what should not exceed the maximum daily dose of 80 mg, and in children, our should not exceed Ritalin and Ritalin LA, the amount of 60 mg. 

2. Narcolepsy

Ritalin is only approved for the treatment of narcolepsy in adults. The daily dose is 20 to 30 mg, administered in 2 to 3 divided doses. 

Some people may need a dose greater than 40 to 60 mg, while for another 10 to 15 mg daily, it is sufficient; the attending physician will determine this. People who have difficulty sleeping should not administer the medication at night; the last dose should be before 18 hours. 

 There are essential not to exceed the maximum daily dose of this medicine, which is 60 mg.

Side Effects 

The most common side effects that can be caused by treatment with Ritalin include nasopharyngitis, decreased appetite, abdominal discomfort, nausea, heartburn, nervousness, insomnia, fainting, headache, drowsiness, dizziness, changes in a heartbeat. Heart, fever, allergic reactions and decreased appetite can result in weight loss or stunted growth in children.

Also, because it is an amphetamine, methylphenidate can cause dependence if misused.

The Ritalin is contraindicated in people with hypersensitivity to methylphenidate or any excipient, people suffering from anxiety, silver haze strain, agitation, hyperthyroidism, pre-existing cardiovascular disorders. Severe hypertension, angina, occlusive arterial disease, heart failure, hemodynamically significant congenital heart disease. Cardiomyopathies, myocardial infarction, life-threatening arrhythmias and conditions caused by ionic channel dysfunction.

People with glaucoma, pheochromocytoma; diagnosis or family history of Tourette syndrome; pregnant or breastfeeding.

Seven Things You Didn't Know About The Drug Molly.

Today we want to tell you about the new fashion drug, increasingly popular and wreaking havoc among young people. This is the drug Molly, and in this article, we will see its main characteristics; we will know its effects and potential dangers. Let's start the tour.

1. What is Molly

Molly is not a new drug but a "pure" form of ecstasy. Its main effect is to produce euphoria since it is a stimulant of the nervous system and its use usually occurs in nightclubs and electronic parties.

2. How Molly is Consumed

Molly is consumed orally through pills or capsules, although it has also been seen in lick papers (such as LSD ) or injectable versions. The effect of a dose of Molly on the brain lasts a couple of hours, after which comes a period of unpleasant side effects.

3. What are Molly's Effects on Consumers

Those who use Molly are exposed to various harmful effects, some momentary and some permanent. Among them are a dangerous increase in body temperature, depression, increased heart rate, irrational behavior and possible psychotic behaviors.

4. Molly's Composition

In its pure form, Molly is composed of the so-called methylenedioxymethamphetamine. Most Molly doses are adulterated with other much more toxic substances such as caffeine, cocaine, amphetamines and PCP (phencyclidine).

5. How Molly Acts on The Brain

The action Molly on the brain starts half an hour of consumption. Its primary form of action is several neurotransmitters, causing a release of those who cause pleasure and euphoria as serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.

6. Who Consumes Molly

Molly's primary consumers are teenagers and young people between 12 and 24 years old, who are just getting started in the world of drugs and use it during parties and concerts, thanks to their feeling of euphoria and disinhibition. Many times it is ingested in combination with energy drinks.

7. Immediate Dangers of Consuming Molly

Many consume Molly as they consider it a safe drug because of its purity, but most doses are mixed with other, even more, dangerous chemicals. When their effects disappear, young people can suffer from seizures, rapid body temperature changes, and even be in a coma. The brain damage may be irreversible.

Did you know this data about Molly? Drugs are dangerous and, as much as some, such as marijuana, have health benefits, most of them are addictive and even fatal.  

Xanax is The Generic Name For Alprazolam.

It is a sedative for the Central Nervous System (CNS) that falls into medications known as benzodiazepines.

This class includes tranquilizers like lorazepam, Valium, and Libritabs. Xanax is prescribed by licensed doctors and is classified as a controlled category IV substance. Manufacturers recommend Xanax for the treatment of tension, nervousness, and panic attacks.

Benzodiazepines are under public investigation mainly for their highly addictive properties. When these drugs were initially developed (Xanax was patented in 1969), pharmaceutical manufacturers declared that they were not habit-forming or not addictive. Still, experience has shown that these are some of the most addictive drugs on the market. 

On The Street, Xanax is Known by The Following Names:

* Bars,

* Stairs, and

* Yellow Trucks

An estimated 3 million people have been taking benzodiazepines daily for more than a year, indicating that patients should be more aware and be more careful not to follow doctors' suggestions blindly when they are recommended and prescribed. Psychoactive medications This statistic also demonstrates, as doctors ignore recommended prescribed information on drugs such as Xanax since the Federal Secretariat of Medicines recommends that Xanax be prescribed for periods of less than eight weeks for the treatment of panic attacks and anxiety.

As with many psychiatric medications (drugs), the original defense and presentation to establish its effectiveness was made by the pharmaceutical company Upjohn (now part of the Pfizer company) and was based on reports from third parties compiled by psychiatrist David Sheehan. He said that Xanax helped his patients suffering from panic attacks, even though previous research had established that benzodiazepines had little or no effect on panic disorders. Pharmacy Upjohn paid Dr. Sheehan for her "investigation" to convince the government to give Xanax approval. The Xanax, and to a lesser extent the Valium, not only causes a feeling of relaxation but initially causes a sense of euphoria and enthusiasm, or a period of much activity followed by an artificial feeling of peace. Many people have reported that after taking Xanax for one to two weeks, they began to manifest physical withdrawal symptoms, mainly headaches that only took off by taking more medication.

This potential addiction is stronger with Xanax Than than any other benzodiazepine. However, the DEA (Agency of the United States Department of Justice that requires compliance with drug and drug regulations) under the Controlled Substances Act classifies drugs according to their potential medical benefit about their potential for abuse. Addiction on a Class I scale, considered highly addictive as heroin, up to Class V. Xanax and the other benzodiazepines are classified as Class IV, which are drugs that have a low potential for abuse, have medical therapeutic acceptance. 

They have a limited risk of physical or psychological dependence. Addiction professionals report that benzodiazepines are so addictive, both physically and psychologically, as opioid-derived painkillers (opiates) and other Class II narcotics. In some ways, Xanax is more problematic than opium-derived pain relievers in which suddenly stopping it can cause seizures, requiring medical help for withdrawal. In contrast, opioid withdrawal is painful but not medically dangerous.

The Xanax is so quickly prescribed to relieve joint stress and lack of sleep. There have been many older patients who have become addicted to their medicine "for nerves" inadvertently. When they try to leave, they discover that their original complaints are now more significant.

Everyone should read and understand the side effects of any psychoactive medication before accepting a prescription to ensure that the result of the treatment implementation is not going to be worse than the initial discomfort.

The Following are Documented Side Effects of Xanax:

* Eruptions

* Respiratory problems

* Swelling of the lips, face, tongue, and throat

* Drowsiness

* Decreased inhibition (lack of fear when faced with dangerous activities)

* Hallucinations, emotional disturbances, purple haze strain, and hostility

* Hyperactivity

* Dizziness, swirling, and fainting

* Less urine than usual, or no urine

* Headaches, fatigue, joint pain, and unusual weakness (flu-like symptoms)

* Problems with speech

* Total loss of memory (amnesia) and concentration problems

* Changes in appetite (including weight gain)

* Blurred vision, instability, and clumsiness (decreased coordination and balance)

* Decreased sexual desire

* Dry mouth, or increase in saliva production

* Nervousness, restlessness, lack of sleep, and sweating

* Strong or rapid palpitations (panic attacks)

* Skin inflammation

* Muscle jump, tremor, and seizures (convulsions)

The list of side effects should stop anyone to risk thinking that Xanax could be beneficial. However, people who are addicted to benzodiazepines or who are withdrawing from other medications will take that risk to relieve themselves sooner, only to realize that they have now increased their addiction problems.

When the 1st winds of legalization began to blow, there must have been a lot of publicity about the impact of state-run legal cannabis. Effective concerns such as the social and cultural impact of legal plants, their effects on the legal system, and the economy were expressed and taken into account when drafting specific bills. At the root of these concerns was, of course, child protection. As the children#39;s toy/candy market develops rapidly to meet the demands of competition, there are a

variety of devices and packaging systems designed to appeal to both children and parents. We've all been in situations where a child gets a packaged gift, just to ignore the actual gift in favor of that box coming. With this in mind, it is up to the cannabis industry professionals to create effective child-proof packaging regardless of the contents of the package.

[aj521z]

EVERY SINGLE QUESTION! ANSWER THEM NOW K PLZ TKS

(I HATE YOU MA’AM)

1. What is you middle name? - Crackhead

2. How old are you? - apprx 8

3. When is your birthday? - April 7 

4. What is your zodiac sign? - Dumb bitchasaurus 

5. What is your favorite color? - Blue. Like turquoise/aqua 

6. What’s your lucky number? - I have no luck Im gay

7. Do you have any pets? - 2 beautiful fucking dogs that the loml and I die for them immediately and kill everyone to defend them. Also a cat who is a wack boy 

8. Where are you from? - SoCal 

9. How tall are you? - 5′7 

10. What shoe size are you? - 10-11 (lol big feets)

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? - probably like 10 and they’re all converse 

12. What was your last dream about? - sleep paralysis shadow demon(:

13. What talents do you have? - falling for girls who leave me 

14. Are you psychic in any way? - No im an oblivious fucking fool

15. Favorite song? - I have 69420 (two that have a VERY special place in my heart though in memory of my little brother are “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd (his fave song) and “Since I’ve Been Loving You” Led Zeppelin <3 

16. Favorite movie? - oooooofff The Lion King is fave disney. Star wars and LOTR are some of my faves

17. Who would be your ideal partner? - Christen Press (only requirement must love dogs)

18. Do you want children? - Pending, but yes dog children

19. Do you want a church wedding? - LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

20. Are you religious? - yes @tobinheats-me-up​ and I have our own religion, bless JVN

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? - YES YIKE im an injury mess

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? - I got chased by the popo but escaped HAHAHAHHA

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? - Lindsey Horan and CP hello ma’ams

24. Baths or showers? - Showers I dont have time move im gay

25. What color socks are you wearing? - none hahaha

26. Have you ever been famous? - Im famous for being a stupid ass clown

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? - fuck no ( @frankarnstein said “no not even a smol” and im dead)

28. What type of music do you like? - mmmm mostly everything but especially rock (indie, classic, industrial, punk, grunge, folk, all of it)

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? - yes 💀

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? - one to two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? - back or side I toss and turn bc I have anxiety lol

32. How big is your house? - I live here so infinite abyss

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? - usually fruit and eggs

34. Have you ever fired a gun? - yes once at a shooting range

35. Have you ever tried archery? - yes! my aunt actually competes and she taught me hahahha 

36. Favorite clean word? - gay and yikes

37. Favorite swear word? - fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? - 78 hours i hallucinated 

39. Do you have any scars? - too many hahaha physically and emotionally 

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? - soranon (only OGs will remember hahahaha)

41. Are you a good liar? - Depends, but usually no hahahah

42. Are you a good judge of character? - I thought I was but I dont know anymore tbh. Ppl are unpredictable

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? - Yes ask @hvafaenerdette​ I love accents ahahahah

44. Do you have a strong accent? - I’ve been told by internationals that i have a strong american accent but idk ahahaha

45. What is your favorite accent? - Tobin Heath skater girl

46. What is your personality type? - Dumb bitch 

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? - idk like shoes?

48. Can you curl your tongue? - 😏 please

49. Are you an innie or an outie? - why is this a question wtf ahahhaha  

50. Left or right handed? - Right hand, Left foot

51. Are you scared of spiders? - No. Unless they fly down from my fan while I’m trying to play guitar and I’m very drunk and feel attacked

52. Favorite food? - All of it

53. Favorite foreign food? - Everything 

54. Are you a clean or messy person? - depends on my mental state((((((((:

55. Most used phrased? - for fucks sake and dumb bitch probably 

56. Most used word? - clown

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? - 5-10 minutes 

58. Do you have much of an ego? - No, I’m a clown I know my place 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? - suck I aint tryin to break my teeth lol

60. Do you talk to yourself? - bitch pls ahahahah ofc 

61. Do you sing to yourself? - Yes hahahha

62. Are you a good singer? - Maybe? hahaha

63. Biggest Fear? - Jill Ellis 

64. Are you a gossip? - Nope. I am bearer of all secrets hahahah

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? - Tournament of Nations 2017 USA vs. Brazil

66. Do you like long or short hair? - long on me but I dont care on other people

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? - I cant geography, but think I could get most ahahaha

68. Favorite school subject? - bio

69. Extrovert or Introvert? - Depends who I’m with, but usually introvert unless I fuck w you ahhahaha

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? - Snorkling yes, but not scuba diving

71. What makes you nervous? - WHAT DOESNT LOL

72. Are you scared of the dark? - No 

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? - only if it’s serious 

74. Are you ticklish? - Not really hahaha

75. Have you ever started a rumor? - No 

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? - Yesssss

77. Have you ever drank underage? - Lol do you know me

78. Have you ever done drugs? - 🥦 💨 @tobinheats-me-up

79. Who was your first real crush? - Gwen Stefani I think? ahhahah I love No Doubt

80. How many piercings do you have? - 0

81. Can you roll your Rs? - yes ma’am

82. How fast can you type? - very fast 

83. How fast can you run? - I cant, but I can walk very fast, move bitch im gay

84. What color is your hair? - light brown

85. What color is your eyes? - depends on lighting either blue or green

86. What are you allergic to? - homophobia 

87. Do you keep a journal? - I write songs instead hahaha

88. What do your parents do? - judge my “lifestyle” 

89. Do you like your age? - yes hahahah

90. What makes you angry? - men

91. Do you like your own name? - yes it’s v gay

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? - Christen and Tobin 

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? - ive been laughing at this for a minute a “a boy a girl” 

94. What are you strengths? - being gay

95. What are your weaknesses? - girls

96. How did you get your name? - my parents gave it to me? hahahaha

97. Were your ancestors royalty? - cereally 

98. Do you have any scars? - This hasnt changed but again yes both physically and emotionally (:

99. Color of your bedspread? - blue with anchors bc it’s 

100. Color of your room? - tan and one dark blue wall

[aestheticallyunaesthetic17]

60 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

- Not really, I haven't seen my dad in like 16+ years and my mum and I are constantly arguing right now.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

- My boyfriend

03: Do you regret anything?

- Too many things

04: Are you insecure?

- I run an eating disorder blog so you decide for yourself on that one

05: What is your relationship status?

- Taken

06: How do you want to die?

- without any pain

07: What did you last eat?

- a galaxy ripple

08: Played any sports?

- I can ski and I used to rise horses

09: Do you bite your nails?

- nope

10: When was your last physical fight?

- never

11: Do you like someone?

- yes, my bf

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

- no longest was 26 when I moved from Edinburgh to Texarkana

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

- yes a few

14: Do you miss someone?

- yes a few also :(

15: Have any pets?

- 2 dogs

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

- fucking terrible, just had an anxiety attack and feeling super suicidal

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

- no

18: Are you scared of spiders?

- no

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

- yes

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

- their car

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

- it is sunday right now and i have done nothing all weekend but chores, next weekend I hope to go into Edi and see my aunt

22: Do you want to have kids?

- yessss but i think i wanna adopt , i want 2, but at least 1 boy

23: Do you have piercings?

-yes 3, but ive been pierced 5 times. just lobes and right nostril but i wanna get my 2nd and 3rds done and repierce my helix and get a tragus pierced

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

- music, accounting and geography

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

- a few people from when i lived in texas

26: What are you craving right now?

- happiness

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

- yes

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

- no

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

- yes

30: What’s irritating you right now?

- my dog scratching himself

31: Does somebody love you?

- yes

32: What is your favourite color?

- green and purple

33: Do you have trust issues?

- a little

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

- an old high school crush getting with me

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

- my bf

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

- probably yeah

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

- forget

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

- fuck no

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

- 13

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

- no

41: Favourite food?

- Indian or Japanese

42: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

- yes in a way

43: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

- went on tumblr

44: Is cheating ever okay?

- no

45: Are you mean?

- yeah i can be

46: How many people have you fist fought?

- no one

47: Do you believe in true love?

- kinda

48: Favourite weather?

- sunny, no wind

49: Do you like the snow?

- hate being in it, love looking at it

50: Do you wanna get married?

- yes in the next 10 years

51: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

- depends i prefer honey or babe

52: What makes you happy?

- travelling and band

53: Would you change your name?

- yesssss 100%

54: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

- no

55: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

- say that i just want to keep it being friends

56: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

- yes and it isnt my bf

57: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

- my bf

58: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

- my bf ( how interesting huh)

59: Do you believe in soulmates?

- no

60: Is there anyone you would die for?

- probably

[mikenewtonhateblog]

Hey yeah if you aren’t wearing a mask because you think being young and healthy will save you take it from someone who didn’t have asthma for the first 16 years of her life and within 48 hours of my first attack starting I was in the ICU on death’s door.

I have a very rare form of asthma where basically my lungs will stop working automatically and I have to conciously make myself breathe, and as I’m doing that it feels like my lungs are being squeezed so I have to breathe deeply, which then develops into I feel like I’m starving for oxygen. The doctors had to gown up and test me for MERSA, SARS, and a whole list of other things. My oxygen levels showed normal the whole time because I was breathing so hard, I had to have them tested via an artery in my wrist. I stopped breathing twice in the ER waiting room. Breathing treatments were the only thing that would work until my lungs became so dependant it only worked for 5-10 minutes. The hospital didn’t know if they should put me in the ICU or drive me to childrens but ultimately went with ICU as they feared I’d die in the ambulance. I had so much albuterol in my system my heartrate was EXTREMELY high (can’t give a number as its fuzzy now). They were afraid intibating me would kill me because my lungs were essentially collapsing for no reason. It took 20+ tries to get an IV in me or draw blood because my veins kept blowing. At one point I was just screaming in the ICU because I had been in hospital for 24hours with no sleep and minimal help from the ER nurses who blew me off and the doctor who gave me cough meds and ignored me until it was too late and I had to be admitted.

After 48 hours of hell my back was in extreme pain, every inch of me hurt, and I felt like I was being suffocated/drowning. They put me on an oral steroid and had to knock me out because some idiot gave me an anti anxiety med that sent me into a worse panic attack. After being knocked out I don’t remember anything but I was in the ICU for two more days where I went in and out of conciousness. I was then moved up to the CCU for three more days. I had to relearn how to walk because the time I spend unconcious had made me so weak I could barely move. Finally they moved me to the childrens unit for two more days where I was watched and given more oral steroids and breathing treatments every four hours. I left the hospital in a wheelchair and had to build up learning to walk again for two weeks. I was on oral steroids for a month that gave me every horrific side effect possible.

This was in 2011. I’ve only had mild attacks since, one hospitalized me for the night, the rest I have controlled. I’m on an inhaled steriod for life now and CANNOT use rescue inhalers as they trigger my lungs dependance on them and the downward spiral begins. Doctors don’t listen to me and probably never will.

I can imagine what corona would do to me. It’d be similar to above but the ending would be different: I’d die. Before that attack in 2011, I had no symptoms of asthma, I never had breathing issues and was active, I survived swine flu just fine. Now? I can’t hold my breath for longer than 30 seconds, I need a air purifier in my room, stairs make me winded, somedays I’m out of breath for no reason. Do NOT take this virus lightly, you are not invincible, life is unforgiving and uncertain so wear your FUCKING MASKS and STAY INSIDE.

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,163

Tag List: @prisczero​, @pinkpjmin​, @btsaudge​, @flowerwrites06​, @unoriginal-username15432, @halussali​

CHAPTER 36:  SAVE ME

“I want to breathe, I hate this night. I want to wake up, I hate this dream.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

When she saw Min Yoongi being wheeled into the hospital’s emergency room, Raelyn pulled herself away from her assigned task almost immediately. Her heart hammered heavily against her chest and her forehead broke out into a cold sweat. She couldn’t hear the people calling her name and she blindly began digging through her pockets for her cell phone.

Did any of the others know what was happening?

Because she wasn’t his assigned nurse, there was no way for her to be directly involved in his treatment. Half an hour later, she was handed a coffee by one of her co-workers as they attempted to quell her concerns. They didn’t know what her connection with the patient was, but Raelyn knew not to open her mouth. The less they knew, the better. Everyone was better off that way.

Raelyn wanted to call Hoseok on instinct. She stopped herself, swallowing the heavy lump in her throat. Instead, she called Taehyung. He did his best to get her nerves to settle, telling her that it would take an act of some deity to pull Min Yoongi into his grave. He was just that stubborn. This got her to laugh a little and she sighed, feeling a little better than she had a few minutes earlier. Unfortunately, Taehyung was in Osan and wouldn’t be back in Seoul until later that afternoon. However, he did promise that he’d get one of the guys over to the hospital when Yoongi was cleared for discharge.

Her friend and fellow nurse, Seyeong, approached her just as she hung up with Taehyung. “Raelyn-ssi,” she called softly as Raelyn slipped her phone into her pocket, “are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, though she didn’t feel it, “how is he doing?”

“It was fatigue mixed with an anxiety attack.” Raelyn’s brows furrowed as Seyeong continued. “He experienced some shock, but he’s stabilized and resting.”

“That’s good.”

It was the only thing that Raelyn could say without falling apart herself. She nodded her head at the appropriate moments when Seyeong explained his condition, but the woman wasn’t really listening. There were too many other things filling her head. Mostly questions that she knew she wouldn’t be getting the answers to anytime soon.

Why the hell does this keep happening?

Once she was left alone, Raelyn unconsciously bit her thumbnail as her eyes narrowed. This was crazy. Anyone would think this was crazy. Who would go out of their way to bring someone back into the fold when it was obvious that they were competition? Wasn’t it normal to want to wipe out any obstacles that would potentially stand in a person’s way, no matter what avenue it was in reference to?

While a more twisted and jaded side of Raelyn could understand the thrill of wanting to taunt and torment an opponent, this seemed just shy of overkill. Yoongi was in the hospital because something shook him to the point of falling out. That or he was stressed and doing a terrible job of burying it down inside of himself. She hadn’t wanted to bother him with twenty questions, allowing him time to relax and to put whatever disturbed him out of his mind if even for a moment.

She toyed with the idea of calling Eden, but after the altercation she had with Yoongi at the hospital last time, she decided against it. The two of them would just wind up arguing about why he was in the hospital in the first place. Both of them would stroke out before either of them was able to get a word in edgewise.

Sighing, Raelyn angrily began scratching at the back of her head. No. This wasn’t going to work. She had to get the answers straight from Yoongi himself. Taehyung was sweet, but he always tried to cover things up as best he could. Mostly because he knew how much their old life stressed Raelyn out. They were supposed to be finished with that life and things continued to seemingly spiral out of control.

Making her way toward Yoongi’s room, she looked over his chart to see what medication they were giving him. It was a mild sedative, enough to get him to relax and maybe help him sleep. Who knew how long he’d been doing things without sleeping at this rate? Once she was able to ascertain that it was the proper dosage, she quietly slipped inside.

It took her a minute for her sight to adjust to the low light of the room provided by a small lamp. The ECG monitor beeped steadily, his heart rate normal and showing that he was, indeed, resting. Raelyn closed the door quietly behind her, the latch catching with a soft click. There was a humidifier by his bedside and his attendants seemed to have adjusted his bed so that he was sitting up as he slept.

She sighed again. Okay, maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all.

As someone in the medical field, the last thing she wanted to do was pull someone out of the comfort of sleep.

Raelyn turned slowly, intent on leaving the room, when she heard movement behind her. Her hand froze, hovering just above the doorknob.

“Raelyn-ah,” he heard Yoongi grunt. She turned around to see him sitting up full, the blankets shifting around in his lap as he did so.

She turned back around to face him. “Did I wake you?”

“Who can sleep when you exist so loudly?”

Raelyn frowned, unsure of what to make of that statement. Yoongi’s wistful smirk, however, showed that he was merely teasing. She crossed the room, plopping down into a nearby chair as he pressed a hand to his forehead. She noticed the look of disapproval on his face at the IV attached to his arm. When Yoongi attempted to remove it, Raelyn smacked his wrist on reflex.

“Don’t even think about pulling that out until you’ve been discharged,” she snapped, giving him a warning glare which he huffed at.

The two of them sat in silence – both probably processing the moment shared between them. It wasn’t often that Raelyn spent time with Yoongi alone. When Hoseok and she were still together, she interacted with all the other boys – lower and upper tiered alike. But rarely was she allotted alone time with any member as an individual. In fact, she felt she’d gotten to know them better when she was no longer the boss’s girl. The title came with its privileges, sure, but that also meant she was placed on a glass pedestal that she felt would shatter at any given moment.

Truth be told, she always felt Yoongi disliked her; for reasons completely all his own. On the flip side, she never really tried to bridge the gap between them either. Yoongi kept to himself, busy moving in and out of the thick of things alongside Jungkook. He never once hinted that he knew any of Raelyn’s friends, let alone that he was even dating Eden back then. Then again, she’d kept her own connection to the Golden Jackals a secret herself.

Now that everything was out in the open, Raelyn wondered where the time had gone.

“Yoongi-ah,” she murmured while looking at him. He raised a brow, silencing urging her to continue. “What happened?”

For a long while, all Yoongi did was stare at her; as if he was mentally cracking the cogs in his head to determine how to best answer the question. He blinked a few times, brushing his hair out of his eyes before folding his arms across his chest.

“Nothing you need to concern yourself over,” he answered simply, causing the muscle near Raelyn’s jaw to pulse angrily.

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me, Min Yoongi?” Raelyn’s voice went up an octave as she rose from her chair. He followed her with his eyes. “You are now the third person connected to me in some way to wind up in the fuckin’ hospital! Why should I not be concerned about this?”

Yoongi frowned. “Because there isn’t a single thing you can do about it.” The directness of the statement was like a punch to her gut, causing her to take a step back. His expression was icy and so was his tone. “Telling you what happened won’t change anything, so why bother?”

Raelyn felt her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach and she fell into the chair, semi-defeated. Why was he the second person to seemingly knock the wind out of her sails? What was so damn heavy that they felt the need to try and chase her off like none of this mattered? Raelyn clenched her jaw, furious at being dismissed in such a way.

“Listen up,” she said, her ire bubbling near the surface, “there is only so much that you guys can do to keep us in the dark. We’re going to find out eventually.”

He scoffed as he cut his eyes at her. “You find out and then what? Huh?” Raelyn blinked, unsure of what he was getting at. “You’re either going to get caught up in this nonsense until it settles, or you’ll turn tail and run. Those are pretty much your only options.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but found she couldn’t find the right words to throw back at him. Didn’t she have a rebuttal for this? She normally did. In this instance, however, Yoongi seemed to knock the fight right out of her.

“So, I guess the only real question you should be asking yourself now,” he broached, causing her to meet his gaze, “is how long do you plan on sticking around this time?”

Even though Yoongi was a few feet away from her, when he leaned forward, Raelyn instinctively leaned back in her chair.

“Because I can tell you right now that things aren’t going to be pretty. Not for a while.”

Raelyn’s vision began to swim momentarily. It was like she was hearing Jimin’s words all over again. They held a different tone, but the implication was still there. Each of them were telling her to make a choice. Even Taehyung had asked her to believe in her, to have faith that she wouldn’t be left alone. She wanted to believe him. There wasn’t a reason for her not to. They’d proven time and again that they were steadfast and willing to walk the hard road together – side by side.

So why was she so afraid to walk with them?

“I don’t know what’s going to happen from today on,” he said, cutting through her thoughts, “and I don’t want to think about it. I tried to keep Eden as far away from this nonsense as possible and she still managed to stumble her way into this shit.”

Relieved that the pressure was off her, even for a moment, allowed Raelyn the chance to regain her voice. “That is her choice, Yoongi-ah. You tried to take it from her once already. She’s a grown ass woman and can make her own decisions.”

He rolled his eyes, averting his gaze to stare at his phone on the nightstand by the bed. It vibrated relentlessly as Jungkook’s name flashed across the screen. Neither of them made a move to answer it.

“Yeah, well,” he finally said after the phone stopped buzzing, “she’s made that clear enough. I don’t need you to remind me of that.”

Raelyn narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t let your own regrets get in the way of other people’s progress.”

There was a flash of anger that danced over Yoongi’s gaze as his eye-line met hers. She didn’t waver, despite how scary he appeared at that moment.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not stupid and I’m not blind,” she said, pushing her glasses up along the bridge of her nose. Raelyn’s arms folded across her chest slowly. “You may have messed things up with her, but that doesn’t mean Jungkook will.”

“Raelyn…” Yoongi growled out her name in warning but she didn’t heed it.

“Their relationship has nothing to do with you.”

“Jungkook is my brother!” he bellowed, causing her shoulders to tense up slightly.

She took a breath. “Stop using him as an excuse.”

Raelyn knew she was treading on dangerous ground, but this was something she’d been wanting to say to Yoongi for a while. Ever since she found out that he was the Yoongi who’d broken her best friend’s heart.

“Eden is choosing to stay by Jungkook’s side. After everything that’s happened, she’s making the choice for herself. Something you never took the chance on.”

Rising from the chair, she could feel Yoongi’s eyes following her. “And you’re right about one thing, Yoongi-ah.” Taking a moment to look over his monitors, she let her gaze linger on his for a moment longer before making her way toward the door. “It’s time I made a choice of my own.”

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[deadtower]

honestly at this point im so far in the red that everything feels hopeless lol. like i just barely made rent with like $20 to spare last month and only bc i sold literally half my belongings, stuff i didn’t want to sell but had to

my job is cutting hours, i have two shifts this week and no one is giving up theirs, and despite being shomer shabbat im working shabbats now to desperately try and make money because i have no other choice

my grocery shelf is constantly empty and i survive on $0.80 chips at work

applied for unemployment but that takes ages to go through

health insurance got dropped

can’t afford my meds and they run out in like 2 weeks and im gonna go through withdrawal bad and without metoprolol my pulse is going to skyrocket and im going to be having horrible anxiety attacks every day again

phone is about to be shut off

idk man im just desperate like i know i keep making these damn posts but i cannot catch a fucking break and this is the worst ive ever been financially and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting any better

paypal: paypal.me/tzionjacobovics venmo: @Silas-Kantor cashapp: $daloypolizei zelle: pm me

[pyroptical]

Unwinding the mess that is my head

I have too much going on in my head so i thought i might try trying it all out trying to sort and organised it in the hopes that it may help me feel better. If you don’t know me feel free to skip this you don’t need my shit weighing down on you. Before i get into my problems i just wanna say to my fiance that none of this is your fault, you already do as much as you can for me and you have your own shit sapping your energy like work calling you in at 1 am after less than 2 hours sleep. or your boyfriend who you can see because he can’t leave the house and is surely feeling worse than me, and deserves you time and energy as much if not more than I.

Lets start with the obvious Covid 19, i hate it, i hate being stuck indoors, i hate how powerless it makes me feel, and wearing a mask. but what i hat more is everyone who’s insistent that its no big deal, everyone who doesn't wear a mask out in public. everyone who keeps telling me your anxiety will go away and you’ll get used to it. NO that not how this works, I won't feel better by “getting used to it” i will feel better when there’s not 6000 people a week being infected in my country alone. when theirs a cure and thing can actually go back to normal. not we need to keep going back to normal because businesses are losing money. fuck money, fuck reopening shops, fuck your ignorant ass not wearing a mask outside at all times.  leading on from that: work, i hate it everyone there is so fucking patronizing, you don’t understand that i’m basically at 100% stress at work constantly on the brink of having  a panic attack. you “thoughtful” comments telling me it'll will get better are not appreciated. Even your idle chit chat pisses me off “ any plans for the weekend” no of fucking course not why the hell would i choose to go out. or how about ooh it a lovely day i’m going to enjoy the sun in the garden when i get home, great for you boomer i cant afford a garden in fact me having to be at work at all is not appreciated. i’m the only member of the team that has to get public transport an hour on the train at rush our in fact, all of you other member can drive or live close enough to walk. what makes it even worse is that im actually worse off financially coming to work than being furloughed. and doubly so on this new “flexi furlough” crap getting the train normally means buying a monthly season ticket that cost £180 a month not cheap but bearable works out about £9 a shift, less if i work overtime. Not being at work full time means that makes no sense and i have to buy a single return ticket for each shift at £12 a time. what pisses me off more is that in a near medical grade environment is that how all of you every single member of staff chooses not to wear a mask 90% of the time. or how i should come to your birthday gathering in the park and give me a funny look when i say no i wont be coming. or how even though ive asked 20+ times and even though im only working a couple days a week those include all of my fiancee’s days off, all of them, you don't listen you don't care, and that exactly why when you ask me to come in last minute not only will i not come in, but i won't even dignify you with a response.

Social. i'm a social mess i hate it i hate how my mind works with it and i hate not matter what i try to change it just makes it worse. here have an insight into how it work. i hate social conflict so much so that even the slightest negative comment against me even in jest and i'll remove myself, i won't argue it and even if do it won't be for long. and ill just remove myself from everything my entire friend circle and ill just remove myself, in the vague hopes that someone notices that i'm gone, and says sometime, messages me, makes a comment that i've been quiet but nope never does and i know i shouldn't expect it to that i should be the one to initiate a conversation but any time i do i feel drowned out talked over and not wanted, so i leave again further distancing myself from the people that at this point can't even really be called my friends i don't talk to them, and at this point i don’t even know if i want to. with one exception there's one person other than my fiance that i want to talk to, but it's been so long that i think they've probably moved on from me. they're the only one that i will force myself to talk to send a snapchat anything but even then i maybe get one reply if i'm lucky after that that's it for the day probably the week. i know they're having a rough time too the only time i see them here is when they’re on the brink of a mental breakdown. so i wont hold their lack of response against them. i just wish they were closer and that we could actually see people again. but nope isolated both because of the virus and these dumb social walls that my mental builds for me. so here i am alone though no fault but my own, unable to fix it hating myself because of it. reaching out wont fix it ill feel like i'm forcing myself on the people i want to interact with, removing myself won't help it's what got me into this mess in the first place. so i sit here doing nothing falling further and further away.

and a special fuck you to our downstair neighbor who chose now when were all stuck at home to drill and hammer into the walls every fucking day for hour on end for the past few MONTHS. so i can't even feel comfortable and safe and quiet in my own home. waking me up from sleep, interrupting movies or anything else im using to remove my mind from this hell. 

i'm sure all of this is pointless and that i'm just being a whiny mopey child that needs to get over it. so there thats where im at right now thats the state of my mind laid out in the hopes that getting it out of my head will work as some form of stress relief. 

[tribridkissed]

Everything Afflicting Lil’ Ol’ Me…

Sleep Paralysis:

Starting off with the basics here because this has been what sort of started it all. When I was little, I was super into the whole idea of spirits. I honestly still am for different reasons, but it started when I was young and having sleep problems. The doctors still don’t know why it started, but I’ve always thought I sensed ‘presences’ so I told ghost stories…because I saw ‘ghosts’ in my sleep, some of which were terrifying and would sit on my chest and I’d still feel that feeling when I woke up, so duh it was real.

When I was a teenager, I started getting these hallucinations far more vividly and the doctors started to take it a lot more seriously, especially when I was getting depressed and suicidal on top of it all. Turned out I had ‘Old Hag’s Syndrome’, or ‘Sleep Paralysis’, and there was now a logical explanation for it. Basically my brain wakes up sometimes before my body does, and I’m paralyzed but I can still see the hallucinations. Feeling pinned down and violated is honestly the worst, and it fucks me up for the rest of the day mentally when it happens. It is why I’m against lucid dreaming, and why I vehemently believe in demons and evil spirits even if doctor’s wanna just call it a hallucination induced by stress. Either way, I have insomnia sometimes too and my sleep is all over the place and that never helps one’s body.

Hormone Imbalances

My hormones have probably been all over the place my whole puberty experience? Like, my periods started out being heavy, irregular and painful. I know that’s mostly normal--we women handle cramps like a boss, okay?--but I would have to stay home from school once or twice in a row every time I got my period, because I was curled up in a ball hurling: much like I do now. Going on birth control helped for a while and then started to make it worse, so we took me off of the birth control and my period started to even out and I stopped getting so sick, unless I ovulated from both sides and not just one, which they found out was also happening. Yay for the possibility of twins naturally, but yikes to the extra hormone surges.

Paraxysmol AFib:

I went through a whole stint of my early 20′s having palpitations in my chest. I just attributed it to my anxiety, and to stress because I had just finished a whole High School career of only honor’s classes, and I had switched from Pre-Med to Early Childhood Development, and so even when the doctors from an arrhythmia, I just sort of dismissed it. I didn't have the time, I was working twelve hours days as a nanny, I was doing college, and I didn't have time...and then I had an AFib attack after exercising and ended up having chest pain.

That pain lasted a month and a half without going away or getting any better, I had a bunch of doctors tell me I was being a hypochondriac, and then I got put on a heart monitor. The heart monitor caught not one but two episodes in the span of three weeks, and it was only then that they took me seriously. So even though I was ‘too young’ and ‘healthy’, I ended up becoming a heart patient at the ripe old age of 25, and it has been part of my life ever since. I take medicine daily to keep my heart rate down, because it beats too fast on its own, and I had to cut down on coffee, which...I was a caffeine addict so that was rough, lol. I’ve had to change dosages, which stresses my body out for a week each time that happens, and it has just been who I am now. I have heart patient jewelry and everything, just in case of emergencies.

Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome

So this all brings me to the next big thing: cyclic vomiting syndrome. I have been sick for 6 months now, nauseous basically every day, vomiting stints every once in a while that land me in urgent care to get IV fluids and meds because nothing will stay in my stomach, it all comes up. This started back in August, now known actual cause, and it has been my main affliction these days. I am on antacid medications, my heart medicine still, and anti nausea I have to take every single day. My body is exhausted, and that’s not even the half of it.

The doctors aren’t even fully sure this is what is going on with me, this is just how they are treating me because they can’t find anything. I have had an MRI, CT scans, ultrasounds, blood tests of all sorts (food allergies, diabetes, etc.), and everything says I am healthy. I have had a tumor removed from my esophagus when they did the endoscopy in the beginning, and I had a history of cysts (I’ve had one in my head, in my arm pits, and now one in my right nasal cavity), and I have a second and third tumor growing in my right arm. They aren’t convinced any of this is related, they just know that my period problem from high school is happening again, so they’re convinced it is hormone induced cyclic vomiting syndrome...which has no for sure cause or cure, so, that has been nice, and has triggered my depression, but I’ve been dealing with my depression my entire life.

Depression/Abuse

Since I was a kid, I’ve had a messed up home life. My uncle did some truly horrible things before he ended up eventually in jail for four life sentences, and short story on that because I simply don’t talk about it, is he used to tape my sister and I shut in boxes, and threaten us with his pet snake. He even through a knife at my cousin once, and would put my sister and up on the top shelf of the closet and leave us there.

On top of that, my Dad was never around much, and he left for good when I was 7, the same year that my grandmother died from the chemo for her ovarian cancer. He is a whole other story in itself, but he only added to my abandonment issues when I was 21 and he showed back up ONLY to talk my sister and I out of making him pay off the back child support he owed (it was a whole thing), and having the audacity to say he stayed away because he loved us...but raised our half siblings, so...just. I don’t like talking about him either.

Then I had a mother who was constantly verbally abusing my sister and I--she still does--and calling us fat even when we were skinny. Telling us we wasted our potential, telling us we’re useless, etc., and only recently getting herself the help she needs for her own emotional issues because she too was abused. Our family is filled with abusers, and she’s much better now that we’ve all addressed we have some problems, but dealing with that on top of all the other things that I deal with now, has been rough.

I feel broken. My mother tells me not to say that, but all of my health issues, and my failed past relationships with boys that have thus kept me single the last three years, make me feel that way. I’m a demisexual person who had two boyfriends cheat because they couldn’t wait for me to be ready for sex, and one basically admit after a little while that he just wanted sex and was “putting up with my feelings until then”, and I dunno, I delved farther into writing and honestly, it has been my only constant.

I’ve been writing stories since I was 6, and this is a hobby, yes, but it is also an escape when I’m not working on my stuff to get published (I’ve actually been a published author since 2011). I’m editing my second book right now and it gets priority sometimes when I’m in a funk, but I have been so sick lately because of my stomach, and just so tired and stressed with work really only keeping me on because they can’t fire me when I have medical reasons and doctor’s notes, and I just thought you guys should know.

I try to be on because writing helps me not think about all of my issues, but sometimes I’m so tired, or so sick, that I just can’t do replies. Plus, my arm with the tumors has been hurting more and more lately, and I may have to get them removed, which will mean another two weeks of a sling and pain meds, and crying myself to sleep because recovery from arm surgery hurts.

So if I’m ever slow, something is up. I love being around to write--it’s my safe space--but I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I really do love and appreciate all of you, and I’m so grateful that you guys are so patient with me. <3

[abtoddler]

Yay its finally bedtime. I put the vics on, and really love this NorthShore supreme over my normal night time diaper.

Im nervous cause in the morning i meet a new doctor. I dont like to think about all my fears ahead of me, i try and really embody my perspective of temperance and balance. However moments like this scare the daylights out of me. So im writing out what im going to copy and paste for my new doctor in the morning.

I have problems articulating everything clearly:

The reasons im super scared are because ive got nothing to think i will recover in anyway. The coldness, the discomfort; the burning sensations down from my knees, i cant move several of my toes, or feel much as far as pain anymore once the numbness comes on nearly as soon as i sit or lay on something.

The pain never stops, the golfball in my spine, the burning feet. And then all the horrible side effects of my ibs, digestive problems, and the pain of voiding stool. Which then causes me to throw up 1-4 times a day. Theres a point when i am feeling all the sensations of vomit, but nothing to very little comes out. The pain is what causes it when my entire body tries to expell the stool. It doesnt matter what consistency either. When the stool arrived and i did nothing to bring it on; it burns like its mucus and acid. When its hard, it hurts in different ways, and its generally this which i am trying to increase digestive health, but there are so many foods i cannot eat:

Pork- causes vomiting and diarrhea

Soda- swelling of my stomach

Certain fruits- cause immediate burning sensations as soon as they get eaten: anything with citric acid: lemon, orange, kumkuats

The lemonades, juice blends. Etc.

Some types of bread

Cereal: i had been eating oat based cereal like lucky charms, and got really sick my stomach got so much worse; this was three weeks ago, so ive been trying to recover colon health.

I need to know full food allergies so i can stop going through all of this. Trying to not get sick or be in pain every time i eat.

I have also stopped trying to manually control the void with an enema, or stimulating plug. And have tried compensating by taking chlorophyll vitamens to reduce odor. Its been helping, and has only been started in the last 3 weeks, when my stomach got so bad from the cereal (which happened in the same week that the roundup chemicals had been discovered in all oat based cerals from the major companies)

I have a hard time verbalizing a lot of things these days. Interactions with people outside of being able to sit and come up with a verbal or typed response. Its hard to talk to people, its hard to focus on conversations, its hard to process the comprehension of what im being told when im not on any medications. Its getting harder to interact with people outside of work, and home.

I practice mindfulness every day, i try and stay flexible. Ive gotten back to work and can stand for an hour or so, before the burning sensations and weakness to my knees and legs. The cold, the wet, was particularly hellacious this last month. Ive also noticed that my fingers will begin to go numb like my toes, when the upper part of my back (new area). There is also the sensation of someone sticking a sewing needle under my left hand, small-ring-middle finger. This sensation occurs a few times a day, and i wonder if its like the same sensation that occurs in my feet. But its super sharp and focused. So thsts why i think its something else. It doesnt feel like the constant pressure, restlessness, numbness, tingling, the “whitenoise” on an old tv if that visual was a feeling beneath the skin that never stops:

On my upper left thigh from my hip to my knee

On the outer side, has little to no sensation for things other then a buzzing: this occurrence was immedately after my radio frequency ablation.

The normal course of my day for the last 6-8 months. Where there is pretty much no deviation to the day:

4:30 am (last occurrence was on 4/11)

To

8:45 am when my alarm goes off, i have to wait for the feeling to return to my toes so i can stand up and get my day organized.

Within 1-3 hours of waking up, if i do not immediately get in the shower, and spend no less then 45 minutes-2 hours cleaning my rectum.

From that, i cant really eat much, or have much energy after. I usually take about 5 hours to try and get through as much of what ever it is, with out pain medication, so by the time my pain level is making it hard to focus, i take one of my pain meds, muscle relaxer, and benedryll to counteract the itching all over in random pressures and intendities, this occurs from 10:30- 3 pm and while the hour it takes to shower again when i get home or have to change my diaper. I have no energy left and sleep til 6:00-9pm. From 9-11 time watching tv with my partners. Then from10:30 pm i take all my meds. Then 11p-as late as 10 am, no sleep regardless of position, burning feet, numb feet, that burn. Constant hot flashes at night so by the time i was up its been 2-4 in the middle of the night.

Over the past 6 months, ive been running out of medication. If the day is cold, or if i have to drive anywhere, if i have to be on my feet. The one med i have when i get home from work, and then again so i can sleep, has caused me to not get anywhere with managing these sensations. There is not enough or its not effective. My doctors do not listen.

Opiates make me itch. Thats why i take benedryl, and hydroxizine to help reduce itching. There is mediation that they give me in the er to help, but no one has cared to explore if that’s something that would work for my vomiting as well which occurs due to pain expelling stool.

I usually eat about 9-11 pm each day as i try and have something in my stomach when intake my night pills after dinner.

My ability to drive; lasts about 20 minutes. So im able to get to and from single outings in a day, i dont have stamina or emotional endurace to go much beyond this routine.

I cannot travel, can barely work, walk with a cane, and have this is what my normal day is, and has been for nearly 2 years without reiable relief of any kind. No one seems able to understand how limiting it is, how much pain that never stops, how even eating or drinking the wrong thing creates even more problems.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

I dont have anything I can think to do next, i dont have anymore hope that i can go 6 hours without something going wrong. There isn’t anything ive been able to have reliable, consistent relief from since moving to san diego in 2012. Daily management has not occurred, from anything that has been recomended from the long term and my quality of life is between being unable to focus, or interact with others in a meaningful way, or without loosing sensations, stumbling on something, have panic attacks because of the anxiety problems from always being over stimulated to the point where body contact with my partner cannot happen. My skin feels like it burns when something touches it, i cannot wear much without it scratching and leaving marks on my skin, or causing more varieties of sensory hell. My shirts, pants, the pressure from then diaper if its not fitted well. The sensation can be anything from sharp like im being cut, or an another itching or burning in places where things touch me. I have no idea what will happen next.