#i feel like i'll be 70 and still be thinking about them on a daily basis

[jennalouisecolemans]

just some doctor/clara: [16/∞]

[blingblong55]

This town -Simon "Ghost" Riley

pic credits: @ave661 (middle and right)

Based on a request: (Its a long as so I'll link it so you can read the anons idea) Link here ---- F!Reader, childhood!friends, hidden feelings, angst, friends to strangers ---- A/N: Songs that also fit: Too Young- Louis Tomlinson, This Town- Niall Horan, Back to the Old House- The Smiths, Always you-Louis Tomlinson

It's a story to tell over at the old pub you and he used to hang around on the weekends. But how can a man begin to tell the sorrowful story? How can he explain in his bruised hands he holds the locket you gave him when you two were kids? He will maybe ask if this was a curse, the only curse an old soul like his has. 

It could've been something, it would've been something, it should've been beautiful. 

In this world, it was always he and you. Scraping your knees when jumping off the rocks near his home. Playing tag in the street until the moon greeted you and his mother would call his name. It's the kind of beginning all beautiful loves start with. Friends since childhood, went through life together and by 28, he would have proposed to the girl he had loved his whole life, 40s would be of dropping the kids at school, 50s of early retirement and 60s were for the potential grandkids, 70s would've been the stories shared of their early lives.

Would've...what a shit word that became in his life. 

In the teenage years, after you had some glow-up, you became the girl everyone knew. The pretty, popular and funny girl the school knew of. He was the friend of the popular girl, the one people barely noticed or cared for. Simon was the same kid who always had a scar or bruise on his face, compliments from his father. One thing Simon hated more than the bastard of his father was the guy you were with. Bloke knows nothing but how to wank and fuck any living thing, he recalls.

Why were you with such a guy? It was a must. Like those cheesy movies where the pretty girl stays with the popular guy, all for the status of each other. Your feelings weren't real for that guy. He wasn't funny, wasn't smart and he wasn't Simon. The boy you shared a kiss with at age 7 because of an accidental bump whilst running through the grass. 

It was during a small break between classes that you found him drinking water. You smile. He always did look good, even the stupid bruise on his jaw made him look so good. 

"Y/N," he straightens up. "Simon," you smile cheekily. "Oh no, what's that smile for?" He crosses his arms over his chest and you can't help but get lost in his honey eyes. "Well...I was wondering if maybe we can...talk?" You say, unsure of how to word this confession. "Did my mum put you up to this?" 

"No, this is...me just wanting to talk." 

"Go on," his voice softens. Does he always do this for you?

You hesitate, but what is life without words? You breathe in and say, "I like you...there I said it and... don't stay quiet because you know I get nervous and I will continue to just talk and talk and talk and-"

He cuts you off by saying, "I'm sorry, Y/N, I... don't..think..this..well I just don't feel that way for you. We're friends, nothing more," he ends his part of the conversation, pats your back as he walks away and you are left in the corridor of the school alone. 

As Simon walks to his classroom, his heart and mind fight the words that he had just said to you. Why was that mean? Did I even mean to say them? He thinks. 

Graduation happens. You and he never talked after that day. Not even a congrats or a hug, life went on without him in your life. Throughout those last months in school, he felt a feeling of regret when he'd see you with that guys arm around you. He would occasionally walk around the old park just to see if you would still go on your daily walks. 

By the time he was about to leave town, he found himself at the old house. He heard your parents moved to a new part of town, so if this was the last time he heard of you, it better be on his terms. And as he walks through the pavement, he finds himself looking at your window. He leans over a car, lights a cigarette and just waits to see if maybe you or some ghost roamed the home. 

Was it the feeling of losing a friend that hurt or losing his one chance to feel something other than pain and hatred? Maybe it's just nervous, after all, he leaves tomorrow. 

You were both just 16, it was puppy love, nothing would've lasted if he reciprocated those feelings, right?

And if it was, why does he feel some kind of hurt as he packs his bags? Why does he want to run to your new home and call your name? Is there a reason why? It's not love, it can't be love, he thinks. I'm not worthy of that, you've heard my dad, he says out loud. "Simon?" Tommy opens the door. "Tommy, not today," he looks back at his bag. "...Fuck" he whispers. 

It's been a long nineteen years since he last saw you and heard your precious voice laugh at a cheesy joke of his. Nineteen years and the feeling in his chest is still there when he arrives home. Manchester was always home for him, it was the only place he knew best when he came back. 

One day, as he was cleaning his closet, looking for his dog's leash, something fell and hit his head. "What the fu-" he looked down and there it was. 

"Why give me this?" A thirteen-year-old Simon asked you. You smile, "You said you wish you could always be near me so you can feel safe...and since I'm going to my nans for the week, have this locket on you, and I swear I'll be there. Keep it safe, okay?" you kiss his forehead before entering the car. He nods and waves, "Call me, Y/N, please!" he calls out and you nod. "Every day!" you scream out as the car drives further away. 

A smile falls on his silent lips, "...Y/N..." his thumb caresses the design. Once he opens it, he feels as if he is that young again. "Are you still there, Y/N?" He whispers and then, realisation hits. It was never nerves or whatever bullshit he told himself back then, it was love, always has. 

All the dots are connecting. For the past nineteen years, he always had some love or whatever all those hookups and awful relationships were, but never did they stick around. Never did he feel more for them than what he has always felt for you. His cold heart still beating warm when he thinks of you. You are all he has ever known, the smiles, the late-night confessions, stories, the silly inside jokes, the feeling in his chest today. 

He hasn't seen you in years, what if you don't remember him? What if when you see him, your heart doesn't call his name when he screams yours? Will you ever even forgive him? Will you wrap your arms around him and call him home like he has called you? 

He must find you, so he calls and looks for you in every corner of this place. He finds nothing, just more lost hope at every corner he looks into. His heart and mind excited each other at the thought this would be some sappy romance moment. His mind creating a script, all truths, just finding better words to tell you he loves you, loved you the moment you kissed the similar scar on the knee at the park when he cried over the pain. He's loved you from the day he learned to say your name. 

Why does he miss you so much today?

Why must you be the drug his body needs? God does he miss you and your addictive heart. 

He has been around the world, where he could've found a good woman who made him happy but no, his heart has always belonged to one girl. You. 

By the time he gets the street right, he finds you sitting down and as he smiles and nearly runs to you, he stops when he sees this image of you. 

Sitting by the fountain, he sees you and a man. His arms wrap around your body, giving you darling kisses as you chuckle. It was then that Simon Riley knew this was it. He will spend his entire life wandering earth, looking for another soul like yours. You didn't see him of course, your fiance capturing all your attention. Simon was close to not caring and pulling you away from that man, but that would be cruel. And as he tries to make up excuses for this man being near you, he sees the ring. 

Oh...oh you fool, he thinks. 

His heart is near death. It screams your name, trying to find you so it can keep beating but when you don't whisper, Simon nods and lets his heart die. Let it rot, so it can learn its lesson, he thinks. 

It would've never bloomed, Simon and you...right?

It's no use to even go and say hi. The locket that contained your picture was still in his fist. It'll be the last reminder of what was meant to be a life romancing in dark streets through town. 

In his head, the home you dreamed of will forever be just a dream. No four kids, no library, no big kitchen so you and he can dance around at midnight. No you...no him...it'll all be stuck and dead in this town. 

He crossed rivers, mountains, and enemies and survived wounds soldiers like him get, all to come home to you. And all this was for nothing. In his world, he would've married you, given you chubby babies and late Saturday mornings. No gun, no bomb and no other man would've kept him away from you. 

In his mind, he is with you. In his dead heart, he sits by and watches that chubby baby learn to walk. He would've adored seeing you in a white dress, walking to him as he wiped tears away when he d his dream of a perfect life was minutes away from being real. 

What a mess he is as he asks for another drink. A mess he never should have been if he had told you that your name is carved all over his body. 

It was this town that saw him live and it'll be this town that sees him die because if he can't have you, at least he has this place. 

A/N: Remember, I collect tears for potions, so please drop them by for collection, thank you. - The place of tears co.

Tags: @liyanahelena @mangowafflesss @goldenmclaren @ghostslillady @moonsua1 @rvivienner @Krinoid24 @iruzias @frazie99 @idklols @saoirse06 @vampsquerade @Juneonhoth @tiredmetalenthusiast @jinxxangel13 @enarien @Simonssweetgirl @luvecarson @willowaftxn83-87 @ikohniik @nobodys-coffee @strawberrychita @sae1kie @queen-ilmaree @pbcartii @Llelannie @Macnches2 @bbyfimmie @avidreadee123 @talooolaaloolla @skelletonwitch @bittermajesties @Nyx_Flower @honestlyhiswife @who-can-appease-me @ghostwifeyy @konigssultwithghost @kaoyamamegami @beansproutmafia @soapybutt17 @asianbutnotjapanese @a-goose-with-a-knife @foxface013 @sleepyycatt @believeinthefireflies95

[superbonusround]

hey you lot

i'll say first that i'm okay, still don't totally understand how, but i'm going to be fine in the long term

i was in a pretty horrific car accident on january 4 and had three surgeries over the course of a week to repair as much as possible. i won't be walking or doing much of anything in the next couple of months as i focus on getting the strength and mobility back that i've lost

this is the hardest thing i've ever done, and it's barely even started yet. harder than being ditched by my best friend in thailand when we were nineteen, then finding my own way home across four countries; harder than going to teach english in another country, choosing to leave that program for what i thought were good and valid reasons at the time, and the eventual realization that i wasn't actually so different than the people that i didn't feel should be there, and that i probably never should have been there, either; harder than cutting off the vast majority of my family for treating me like trash my whole life; harder than watching that same family come pretend to cry then lapse into gushing about their beautiful lives at my grandmother's funeral when i was the only one of them that was there for her for the last five years of her life.

the last ten days have taken every bit of pride and shame that i had and put them in a bedpan. it's as fun as it sounds. if nothing else, now i understand what my grandma was feeling in those last few years. i just wish i could go back and use what i know now to do better for her. she deserved so much better.

i think so much about the consequences of the small decisions we make. i worry about the brand of chips i buy and the takeout i get and the ripple effects that our small, personal, everyday choices create. i guess every once in a while, that great roulette wheel has to land on you. i just wanted to get an ice cream.

i don't say this for fun, i don't want your money, or much of anything, really, besides the lower 70% of my body to return to proper working condition at some point. but if you've ever seen a superbonusround post or video that you've loved or that's just given you a giggle, please give it a watch, and don't be sad. i did all of this, even the crappy paint.net edits, because they brought a little happiness into my day at some point, and i think it's wonderful that they could continue to do that for you, too. that said, my laptop is still bricked and its repair is no longer so high up on my list of priorities, so the original trilogy playthrough is indefinitely suspended lol.

today i almost. almost feel somewhat human again. i am finally watching the charli xcx snl episode and i cried during 360. my mom is visiting daily and we are watching season 3 of the traitors (u.s.)

good night, i love you all, and here's hoping i have the dream about the massive 17 x gorillaz collab museum again tonight. that place was awesome

that's all for now

<3 sbr

[hooked-on-elvis]

Dear prince charming,

The 20th and 21st century people who heard about you, one way or another, all of them can feel you were different in more ways than artistically. There is certainly something special about you, something precious... nobody can deny that... but some people tend to be satisfied with what's on the surface, with cheap gossip, mean rumors and whatever "looks like". It pains me when they talk badly about you, E. They don't know a thing, those fools. But rest assure, E, because the Elvis army got your back, King. Many of us are restless in defending your honor and the sweet soul you had. Unfortunately, many of the "outsiders" will never understand what was that thing that drew people to you so easily and why you are so loved worldwide. Their loss.

(Yes, that's how I see you dressed in that suit...)

I have so many things to say...

Another thing I'd like you to know it that although I drool over you daily, on your exquisite Greek god-like exterior, your unbelievable beauty, hypnotizing smile, tender and shiny blue eyes with a twinkle of mischief, the darkest velvety raven-black hair, your flashy fashion style, the tantalizing way you moved or the powerful baritone voice that you carried and that bristles my skin every single day, none of this is what turned me into an admirer in the first place. It's in your mind and your heart, dear El. That's where the real treasure was kept in you, under all the layers of goodness on the surface.

One thing I know is, one way or another, that beautiful light you were born with and chose to face the challenge and share it with us in your previous life is still cherished. The stories about you bring us comfort, laughter, knowledge, life lessons... Keep us together, make us believe. You helped us in so many ways with the talent you knew God gave for a purpose. One of the most beautiful things was when I learned how worried you were in figuring out your life's purpose, by the way. You did it, El. You did it brilliantly, dear.

There's that song you sang, "Well, you're right, and I'm left all alone, all alone..." Since I became your fan, at the same time I feel I found a friend in you and felt the happiest I've had in years, 'cause it feels like you calmed a storm that I had inside for over a decade, I also find myself crying over how much I miss you, about not ever having the chance to meet you in real life. Every day I wonder where you are and if you're happy... if you finally found peace, the way you deserve. I wonder if you're working up there with God, as the angel I'm positive you are right now, or if you've reincarnated yet (that's one possibility I don't dismiss, just like you didn't dismiss it). I wonder if your sweet soul, yet in another possibility, is way up there... healing and learning... even after all these years since you left this earth, preparing your spirit for another high purpose, maybe to become a spiritual guide, a tool in God's plans, a soldier of the Lord (even as a man, in flesh in bones, you were already helping God's cause anyway, so I believe your work is still in motion in heaven). It's crazy to think about all of that, I know. You know, the other day, over a year ago, I had a crazy experience as I was waking up in which I only heard your voice and I felt a very warm and tender presence next to my bed. I didn't see anything but somehow I knew you were there smiling at me. I didn't even get the chance to see your face but as I was listening to "Green, Green Grass of Home" recorded by you in the 70s, I heard something I can only describe as a whisper but it wasn't. It was like you were sending me a message I could understand, very softly and tender, telling me you were up in heaven with your mom and daddy and that you were happy. I'll never forget that... I wish that is the truth, El. I had the impression you were in peace, really. It warms me to remember that little moment. Every time I listen to that song again I feel so happy! So if it was you for real, thank you. I needed that.

You'll never be forgotten.

We still benefit from the light you shared, sweet El.

You're our little firefly, our little lighthouse, our little crazy, the goofiest, tenderest, prettiest, funniest little friend. Thank you so much for giving us more reason to smile, to let loose, to have fun, to love, to keep having faith.

Happy heavily birthday, King. ♡ We love you.

[cbk1000]

Hey, so kind of a general writing/not been on tumblr much update (because apparently I'm so perpetually online people will ask me if I'm ok after a few days of me not posting as much lmao): I have been having some health issues. I haven’t really mentioned them aside from updating a couple people I talk to daily on why I've been so quiet because a.) I felt too poorly to do anything other than marathon sitcoms I've seen a bazillion times, and b.) I didn't know what was going on.

The tl; dr is that, after getting diagnosed with strep throat a few weeks ago, and feeling mostly normal aside from some minor irritation in my throat, I started feeling horribly weak and overall just fucking terrible, and I was having bad tachycardia. Like a heart rate in the high 130s just standing, and a sitting heart rate of like 110 (my normal resting heart rate is in the low 70s). Three trips to the ER later, a bunch of normal labs and cardiac tests, and my boss (ER nurse for 20 years) pushing for an echo, and I finally got a diagnosis of pericarditis, which is inflammation of the sac around your heart. It's most commonly caused by viruses. The ER doc suspects my strep throat was misdiagnosed and I had a virus that caused the inflammation of my heart, although I think bacterial infections can sometimes cause it as well. I've been put on high dose ibuprofen and some acid reflux meds to protect my stomach while I'm on such a high dose of ibuprofen, and I have to take it easy for at least the next week and then be careful and play it by ear. I have been too weak to even sit up much for the past several days and cannot stand for very long, which is infuriating as someone who does one-armed push-ups for funsies.

Anyway, all this is to say, I'm still alive, the next chapter of Book of Merthur (for any of you following it) was coming along just fine but for obvious reasons is a bit postponed now. I'll probably be off work all next week again and hopefully will feel strong enough to get in a bit of writing. (And for any readers about to say, 'Oh my God, don't worry about that, take care of yourself!!' I am literally gnashing my teeth to go back to writing and am furious that my last week or so has consisted of me being too exhausted even to read. I've been marathoning sitcoms I've seen a bazillion times, I'm not even much of a TV watcher, and I'm going crazy. Yesterday I lifted two books to get to the one I wanted underneath them, and was so exhausted I went straight back to bed. THEY WERE PAPERBACKS. AND NOT WAR AND PEACE PAPERBACKS.)

[rezcowgirl]

We already know emails are evil and one of the worst parts of being alive. But when each one starts with "I hope you had a restful and restorative holiday!" and you, despite your best efforts, absolutely did not, it feels Extra Advanced Evil.

My only comfort is knowing my friends are also hungover. Two of them are also back to work today. HAH, I warned ya (I did not heed my own warning).

My hindsight is only about 20/50 at best.

I want to say thank you for all the love & support over the in-laws thing. It means a lot to me. ❤️ We had a good weekend with our chosen family, which beat back a lot of the hurt. I know it will come in waves, especially as the handfasting date gets closer. It's obviously going to be easier for me - there's no loss grief in me, just pure, unadulterated, murderous rage. I cannot pretend to feel anything other than hatred and relief that I don't have to hear his father's hideous voice again.

I'll put it to rest now. It will probably wake up again and again and again, but for now, I need to not think about it.

Saturday we went out with friends, and Sunday, we stayed in with friends. I said we'd just relax and drink wine, and boy did we. We polished off six bottles between the six of us, getting more and more reckless as the night went on, even with work looming over most of us. It was a good end, even if I feel rotten today. There was a point where I accepted that today was going to be rotten regardless, so what the fuck ever. Apparently, the sentiment was shared.

I honest to goodness usually only drink alcohol once a month or so, but this break was a lot. Too much. This is why people do dry January, right??

When I closed the door on my then mostly sobered-up friends last night, it meant the holidays were officially over. Phew. I can take down the tree and the cat can triumphantly reclaim that space.

We decided to leave the tree up for our old roommate who was visiting - her family is Ukrainian Orthodox, and she was really happy about it. Technically, it's Orthodox Christmas Tuesday (for those who still adhere to that calendar), but we said goodbye yesterday. I won't see her again for...I don't know how long.

I miss her so, so much. I have so many funny, fond stories about her. The loss of her in my daily life was immense, but I only realized how much she meant to me AFTER she moved away across the continent. Being roommates sucked (it was me. I sucked), but as soon as she left I was like "OW FUCK".

One of my favourite and funniest things about her is she used to be a fairly popular sex worker/porn maker and she suddenly evaporated from all platforms. Every now and then there are threads like "whatever happened to _______?" and there are rumors that she was doxxed or died or whatever other horrible thing. But nah chill. She married a doctor and is living her best life in New York. I'd never correct anyone - she's happy to be assumed dead. I definitely respect that.

We're really hoping to go visit them and some other friends in NY this year. Hard to say, though. I WANT to properly plan my year but: MY PLANNER IS STUCK IN MAIL LIMBO. I can't operate without it. I went to three different stores to try and find my 2025 Leuchtturm1917 planner, but they were sold out, so I had to order directly from their website. I think Tiktok might have done The Thing, and now lots of people want to have planners. Which is cool, I guess.

Except my life is in shambles.

But what DID come is a package from my parents containing the rest of my birthday gifts and a card that made me weepy. I usually only want consumables as gifts these days, but I will obviously always welcome handmade and Indig things.

~💖Just Treaty 4 Things💖~ (+ bonus Kinder Eggs. My beloved). THAT FUCKING BANNOCK PLUSH?!?!?!?!?! We are planning to go back to SK in June, but flights are very cheap for once in February and I'm tempted...

Anyway. This was my favourite addition to the tree this year. She's a showa-era angel, made in Japan in the 70s, from what I can tell. She was $3!!!! Plus, a photo of our classic crow tree topper and a thrush my friend felted for me. 🥺

[reflectionsofthesea]

Hiii I’m back! It's been a pretty stressful and busy time at work, so I'm less online than usual, but still learning finnish daily! It's actually being my saving grace: getting to detach myself from work,routine and stress and just putting my head into something completely different that I enjoy doing. Putting a read more because I wrote a lot here:

I've been progressing with my exercise book, and learned how to express the need to do something 'i have to...' and also the imperative tense. Really useful stuff. I also finally finished trascribing all puhekieli 'basic rules' on my notebook!

Some new stuff in my daily learning routine:

I started listening to podcasts and short stories! I was a bit intimidated at first, but now I've been enjoying doing it every day when I am cooking, cleaning the house or even when drawing/working. I'm listening to a beginner's podcast and can basically understand a good 80% of it, which is making me feel so proud and motivated hahaha. The crazy thing is that even if I don't understand a couple of new words, I can follow the conversation and the topic and I always know what the host is talking about, it's crazy. I'll definitely continue listening to podcasts and stories daily because I think it's helping A LOT and truly making me feel like I'm making huge progress and my brain is enlarging lol.

I started using LingQ! The importing videos/podcasts feature is super useful, and I imported some videos in finnish from youtubers I found and having LingQ generate subtitles in finnish for me and translation in english, so I can study them is so useful. That way I can exercise listening to more puhekieli and expand my vocabulary. It helps that the videos are super fun and entertaining themselves, so I genuinely want to know what's happening hahaha. (one was a Sims4 house building video, another one a travelling vlog)

I tried writing some 'stories' for the first time, this is also an advice I heard from a video, that helps with getting your brain used to constructing sentences and phrases. I already did this in a smaller way, writing very short sentences practicing different grammar rules to commit them to memory, but this exercise really makes you put more effort into building longer and slightly more articulated sentences, like phrases you'd say to someone when having a chat, or thinking out loud. I decided to pick some random themes and just write what I can about them! The pink underlined words/verbs/adverbs are things I had to look up because I didn't know how to say yet. I think this is a pretty fun and creative exercise to do though, and I can see how it can make your brain faster at producing sentences on the long run :) It will be fun to keep doing this when my vocabulary grows and I can say more stuff! (I saw a writing exercise idea on tumblr that was describing your Dnd characters and something about their personality/stories, and I really want to do that!)

Overall, I'm feeling really good and motivated. I remember feeling a bit stuck a month ago, and now that feeling is gone, and I feel like I improved a lot. I really think implementing new exercises like the written stories exercise and especially listening a lot has been so useful and important into me feeling like I'm growing more in this language. I'm really glad I fought my inner doubt and saboteur and just did it. I also gander at posts written in finnish here on tumblr and realized I understand a good 70/80% of what's written in there. Sometimes more or less, depending on how long the post is or how specific the words used are. But that's pretty crazy to me and really satisfying!

Also, if you need some inspiration for your language learning journey or some good tips (like the listening to podcasts and writing stories I'm currently doing), please watch this video! It really inspired me to keep going in my journey :)

[arayashikiii]

Elderly Runge Headcanons

Assuming Grimmer/Runge as basis

I think Runge is likely to live quite a long life. Even in his late 70s to early 80s, he'll probably remain in good health without any major issues. He won't have much of a hunched back, so he'll likely be quite tall for an old man.

He'll always stick to the same route for his walks, unless the weather is really bad. Barring heavy rain or snow, he'll probably take his walks very punctually.

He'll sit on a bench and quietly observe the surroundings for hours. While he won't be typing with his fingers anymore, he'll still observe everything closely, taking it all in.

Due to Grimmer's influence, he might have a heightened interest in children. He'll always carry candies in his pocket, and if he spots a child with a dark expression nearby, he'll quietly observe them and then approach, offering a candy with his reassuring words, "Don't worry, it's not poisonous."

There might be times when kids come to play at Runge's house. He'll always be quietly reading a book, and his first words when the kids enter will always be the same: "Wash your hands first."

Despite his nonchalant appearance, he'll remember all the children's names and know about their daily lives. If they encounter any problems, he might quietly resolve them without anyone noticing.

On his desk, there'll always be one frame lying face down. When he's about to go out, he'll lightly touch the frame and say, "I'll be back."

Sometimes, when he feels lonely, he'll pick up the frame and gaze at the picture inside.

He's not someone who laughs often, but the image that kids remember is of his face with a faint smile.

Though he might seem reclusive at first glance, he's certainly not a complete loner or a bystander. Expressing himself through actions is just more natural for him than words.

Thanks to Grimmer's encouragement, he'll likely continue to write consistently. His first piece might have been very straightforward, almost like a report listing facts, but over time, he'd likely incorporate more metaphors. Nevertheless, his emotions will still be restrained, and his unique observational perspective will remain intact.

He's somewhat numb to pain, so he might not even realize when he's pushing himself too hard.

He might be secretly handling a significant case without others knowing. It's probably not at someone else's request, but more likely part of his secretive plan or purpose. The truth of the matter might only come to light after his death.

He'll probably mutter to himself like this often. "Wolfgang, this should do, right?"

[wanderingmind867]

By the way, if you're the type to notice art and artists for these classic Marvel comics, I find Steve Ditko was based at conveying emotions, especially through body language, though his figures tend to be a bit sparse or even ugly. Jack Kirby's art is pure action and intensity, but his emotions, however dramatic they are, tend to always degenerate into the same stock poses, and his figures are always hulking and brutal. Don Heck strikes a good balance, where his figures are always pretty, and what he lacks for action, he makes up with in emotions and body language. He's among my fav artists for Ant-Man and Wasp, because those were two characters whose action scenes weren't all that important compared to their daily life scenes.

I've never been able to explicitly compare the artwork, but I have been able to sort of figure out what I like. Mind you, I haven't had too many dealings with all the artists this hyperfixation. Really, so far I've only read stuff by Jack Kirby, Don Heck or Gene Colan (mostly by pure accident so far). Of those three, they're all decent artists. I feel like Don Heck and Gene Colan do a lot more shading and stuff, but I don't know if that's the inkers responsibility or what.

I don't really know how to differentiate between those two jobs, but that's a topic for some other tangent. Anyways, I feel like Jack Kirby is good with most things, but his faces aren't great to me. I feel like a lot of them look a bit ugly if you state at them for too long. Especially when a character is yelling in a close up or something. I think Gene Colan was good with cinematic art, and fancy stuff like that. But I think you're right about Don Heck being pretty good. He's not the most fancy guy (like I don't often see full page panels with him and stuff), but he's pretty good regardless. He's consistent, I guess you might say? Idk. I'm just rambling, I'm sure. But yeah, Don Heck was pretty good. I found some article about him once that said he was always overlooked, and I can see that. Like, his name isn't as famous as some of his contemporaries. But he's still really good.

PS: Oh, and just for my own self satisfaction, I'm going to list the comics I've read so far. Well, not every issue or which collections, but I'll say which characters or groups I've read about so far this hyperfixation. Let's see...

I started by reading like the first 70 Daredevil comics, then I started on some of the early Silver age Ant-Man stories (I couldn't get into the giant man ones). Then I read some Iron Man and Thor stories. Now I'm reading The Avengers, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I think my comics hyperfixations never last because indecision always seizes me on what I'm reading and what I should read next.

[electrasev5nwrites]

Ninja Daily: AIC 36

She used hiraishin to return to her office in Kirigakure. She sat the rug down and unrolled it enough that Orochimaru's pale face could be seen. Then she pulsed her chakra and cleared her throat. "Security," Aiko called. Her voice was still a bit off, but much closer to her usual pitch. Her throat was quickly healing. "If you don't mind, can someone come in here?"

The black operative who answered her call was clearly about 70% certain that he was walking into a trap, but he obediently entered the office. She could tell that he was looking at the body on the floor.

"I would like someone from T&I," Aiko said. "Asai-san. And a medic." She cast a dispassionate glance at Orochimaru. "He seems quite dead, but you never know. It's good to check." She set the stolen knife on her desk.

The operative hesitated. "Mizukage-sama," they said. "It is protocol-"

"Not to leave me alone with a prospective threat, I know," Aiko agreed. She used her bare toes to push Orochimaru's face over. "I think it's fine. Go."

While she was alone, she tossed the sheets to the floor near a wall. That was all the time she had before a chuunin hurried in. Their vest marked them as a tower guard- ah, they must have been alerted by one of the proximity alarms.

"Good evening," she said.

"Good evening," the man parroted back. He couldn't meet her eye. He, too, was looking at the body on the floor. "I- how can I help you, Mizukage-sama?"

Aiko hummed. "I could use a set of clothes from my house," she said. "Body sheets, I don't have time for a shower but I don't feel clean. Oh, coffee and something light to eat would be good. And is there a 24-hour coin laundry nearby?" She jerked her head at Orochimaru's silk sheets. "I don't trust those, but I love them."

The chuunin bowed. "I'll have a wet washcloth sent up from downstairs, then take the fabric to a laundromat on my way to retrieve clothes, wipes, and food from your home."

"Acceptable,"' Aiko said. "Thank you."

He was barely out the door when two more black ops agents flashed in. They seemed to want to stand menacingly at either side of the door waiting for orders, so she let them at it and sat down at her desk.

Orochimaru remained still and dead, as he had been doing for the last ten minutes or so. It was the most agreeable she'd ever seen him. She hoped that he would continue the good work.

A different chuunin came in and offered her a plastic box with two warm, wet towels. She edged a little conspicuously away from Orochimaru. Aiko dismissed the woman and then tried to wipe off the smell of antiseptics and death. It didn't really work, but it took the edge off.

For lack of anything else to do, she began to look through the notes waiting from Nishikawa-san. He had listed the paperwork awaiting her attention. A pile that just needed to be signed off on could be immediately addressed, so she searched those out in the orange folder the note described and went to work with a pen and her seal of office. Pay bump, approved. New regulations for hallway width in clinics to accommodate stretchers, approved. Planning permit for an outpost on Wave, approved. Adjustment to the tax code-

"Mizukage-sama." The first Black Operative was back, with Asai-san and an elderly woman who Aiko did not recognize. "Asai-san, and the medic recommended by the current Head of Affairs on-shift at the hospital, Okuno-sensei."

"Thank you," Aiko said. She glanced down and stamped once more. "Okuno-sensei, please confirm that Orochimaru-san is sufficiently dead. Asai-san, oversee and verify."

They were professionals who didn't need her peering over their shoulders, so she went back to her paperwork.

"Deceased," Okuno-sensei reported after a time. She stood up to her full height, a towering 148cm. Aiko realized that, for once, she was not the shortest adult in the room. "Cause of death was a stopped heart. Traces of poison in system."

"Poison? That wasn't me," Aiko said idly. "I wonder how often people try to kill him."

"It's possible that it was his poison, given the subject," Okuno-sensei allowed. "Is there anything in specific you would like me to look for?"

She thought about it. Orochimaru had wanted to look at her, and look where that had gotten him. He hadn't killed her quite dead enough, and then she'd gotten up and killed him. But he had gotten all sorts of bodily enhancements that would be quite interesting to her intelligence departments. Waste not, want not. "I think that I would like him beheaded," she said. "The body can be examined in a secure location. I'll keep the head."

Maybe on her wall.

"Yes, Mizukage-sama," Okuno-sensei said. "Would you like me to do that here, or in my lab?"

Aiko winced. "I don't want anything on my rug," she said. "It's nice, isn't it?"

Okuno-sensei paused. "Yes," she agreed. "Very soft."

"Thank you," Aiko said, even though she'd prompted the compliment. "I stole it from Orochimaru. I don't think he needs it anymore, and I hate to waste."

"Ah."

She couldn't see what Okuno-sensei thought of that, because Aiko was in the process of approving shipping contract renegotiations.

"Perhaps you should have it steam-cleaned," Okuno-sensei suggested. Her tone was very mild.

"I think that would be a good idea as well," Asai-san spoke up for the first time.

Aiko nodded indulgently. "Fair enough. Although he kept a much cleaner house than I would have expected," she allowed. She remembered the long, empty hallways and antiseptic smell. "Aside from all the venom, it was nearly a hospital."

"The venom is an important exception to the cleanliness," Okuno-sensei said. "Shall I take the body away by myself?"

"No, no." Aiko finished the paper she was on and stood. "It would be a little irresponsible to let him out of my sight. Where in the hospital would you like to work?"

"The west ward, on the third floor," came the prompt response. Asai-san watched with a rather ambiguous expression as Aiko came around her desk and began lifting Orochimaru's feet. One of her security guards rushed to lift his arms, and then another gently inserted himself to take Orochimaru's feet out of Aiko's grip. She let him do it and stood to the side. She placed one hand on Orochimaru's stomach, deliberately feeling to extend her connection to the two people holding him. "Okuno-sensei, Asai-san," she said. "If you don't mind, please touch my arm." She held out her left hand. When they did, she took the whole party to the hospital.

Okuno-sensei blinked at the third floor reception desk. The nurse behind it stood so fast that her curls bounced.

Her aim was a little off. "My mistake," Aiko said. "This is the central area, isn't it?"

"Yes, but it's quite fine," Okuno-sensei said calmly. "We can walk from here. Nakata-san, would you let the Head doctor know that I am back in the hospital and will be using operation room 2?"

The nurse nodded. Her eyes were very wide as she watched the odd procession take off towards the west wing of the hospital. Daylight was beginning to pour through the windows as they set the body on a table and the doctor quite clinically separated the head from the body with a chakra scalpel. It made a mess. Aiko was glad that the mess was not on her rug, especially since Orochimaru's blood sizzled when it made contact with oxygen.

"Hm." Okuno-sensei observed this from a safe distance. She leaned forward, but did not touch the blood. "Perhaps… May I put the head into a plastic bag for you, Mizukage-sama? And may I assume that the body is to be released into Asai-san's custody?"

"That's probably a good idea," Aiko agreed. "Thank you. And yes, I'd like that examined, Asai-san. Carefully." When she had her prize in hand, she returned to her office. The chuunin was nervously waiting with a small bag in his left hand and two larger ones in his right. He watched as she put Orochimaru's head on a shelf between some books. "Karin-san chose the clothing," he said. "She informed me that I should make you an omelet in your kitchen and enclose a salad. I hope that is acceptable." He held out the small bag.

"Thank you," Aiko said. "That's fine." She accepted the bag of food and peered inside to see sesame seed salad dressing cheerily perched on top of two plastic containers. There was also a bottle of milk, a box of juice, and an apple. "Clothes, please." The man stiffly handed her the bags- one only held her black ankle boots. "The sanitary sheets?"

"On your desk." He bowed. "By your leave, Mizukage-sama."

"A coffee, please," Aiko said as he left. She was already stripping off Orochimaru's shirt and reaching for the body wipes. She wiped off the lingering sensation of fear and antiseptic and pulled on the clothes that Karin had picked out. Apparently, Karin thought that Aiko might need the confidence boost from an expensive set of glittery underwear today. She had paired it with slim-fitting grey pants and a low-cut blue shirt. There was a plastic baggie with coverup, mascara, and a bold red lipstick.

Karin, Aiko thought, was a very clever little girl. The last thing in the bag was her dark blue jacket with her title embroidered on the back. It was a perfectly acceptable outfit for meeting with someone fairly important, as well as comfortable and practical.

She sat down at her desk and ate. Orochimaru glared dolefully at the doorway and slowly leaked venom into the bag. The chuunin returned with a cup of coffee in shaking hands. "What's the time?" she asked.

He checked his watch. "5:42."

Aiko nodded slowly. "Thank you. That will be all. Oh, take these out to Nishikawa-san's desk on your way out." He accepted the papers that she gave him and closed her office door behind him.

Because she was not an absolute lunatic who was willing to bother someone at this hour for a meeting, Aiko worked quietly and got ahead on the day's work. The sun fully rose, so she shut off the office light to conserve electricity. Staff began trickling in. The office hummed with soft movement- the flutter of paper as they took turns stamping the attendance book, the trickle of coffee percolating, the sound of windows being opened to let in the cool morning air.

Nishikawa knocked at her door and came inside just enough to make eye contact. "Good morning," he greeted. He held up several envelopes that probably held the paperwork she'd already finished and had put on his desk. "Is there anything else that I should send with the morning mail?"

"Yes, here." She gestured to the appropriate pile on her desk. It included two complete folders. "Thank you. I don't have any meeting scheduled for the morning, do it?"

"You do not," he politely confirmed as he crossed the room to retrieve the paperwork. "Should I write anything down?"

Aiko nodded and leaned back. "Yes, I'm going to go on an errand," she said. "Please put on my schedule that I'll be in a meeting with the Hokage from about 9am."

Nishikawa glanced at the clock, which said 8am. "Does the Hokage know?" he asked. The question was only a little cheeky- he wanted to know if he had missed some communications.

"He does not know," Aiko confirmed. "It's a surprise meeting. I hope that I'm not interrupting anything important." She did not bother to sound particularly sincere. The Hokage would make time for a visit from the Mizukage, especially when the Mizukage chose to ask for a meeting by waiting in line at the first-floor reception area of Hokage tower.

After a break for tea and a snack, that was exactly what she did. She was pleased but not terribly surprised that the waiting line in the lobby was very quiet. She nodded a 'good morning' to anyone who made eye contact, but most people were looking at the plastic bag idling and twisting near her thigh. It was secured by a handle of thick pink yarn around her wrist. A purple logo against Orochimaru's ear declared that the bag had come from a cake shop.

...It was hard to find a bag large enough for a human head on short notice.

It didn't take long for someone to come to fetch her. Raidou cleared his throat.

She nodded at him. Didn't think about near-murders in other timelines. Death was such a funny and impermanent thing. No consequences, no relief. She took a moment to tap Orochimaru's head, looking for a reaction. Nothing.

"Good morning, Mizukage-sama." His tone was perfectly even and polite. "Actually, you don't need to wait in line. Please follow me."

"Are you certain?" Aiko asked. "I'm nearly to the front of the line. I don't want to be rude."

"It's fine," he confirmed. He led her up the stairs.

Sarutobi was waiting in his office for her. So were his advisors, Nara Shikaku, and Danzou. Everyone murmured a polite good morning. Nara-san held out a chair for her and gestured that she could put her bag on the side table. She did so delicately.

The third Hokage was staring at it. Conscientiously, Aiko reached out again and readjusted the bag so that the face was pointing towards the Hokage. He did not wince, but he might have wanted to.

"I thought that you might like to know that this issue has been resolved," Aiko said. She kept her tone quite mild. "I'm sorry that I did not schedule a meeting in advance, but I am glad to see that such an august body could meet on short notice."

"Of course," Homura said weakly. "It was no trouble."

Nara bowed as well. The Hokage did not make a move to speak, so he asked, "What can we do for you, Mizukage-sama?"

Aiko crossed her ankles and tilted her head. "Well, I believe that Konoha and the Fire Daimyo jointly offered a bounty for Orochimaru-san," she said. "That can be sent to Kirigakure's general account through the post office bank. You have the routing numbers, I believe. And if you would get out a map, I can mark the locations of Orochimaru-san's former bases, so that you can investigate them. As they are mostly in Fire Nation, I wouldn't presume to step on any toes."

It would take time for any Konoha shinobi to reach even the closest base. She'd go there on her way home and clear out anything particularly valuable. But it was polite to tell them about their holes in security.

"Of course," Danzo said stiffly.

Since she was already in Konoha-

"Oh, and I'd like to speak with Namikaze-san on my students' behalves. I believe that he was the point of contact when they were questioned after Orochimaru-san's chuunin-exams aggression." She flipped her braid back over her shoulder.

"…Is this about that apology letter?" Sanbi asked her.

Yes. How would she know the letter was sufficiently sincere if she didn't see him write it?

Slowly, the Sandaime looked past her to make eye contact with his advisors. She was polite enough not to turn her head to watch whatever they were silently communicating. "Fine," the Sandaime said. "Would someone fetch Namikaze-sama, please?"

Ah. Sama. Perhaps she ought to have been a little politer. She contemplated that as an ANBU fucked off to whatever office they'd stashed the zombie in.

"No, I don't think it's necessary," Sanbi said. "His manners are not particularly nice, and he is no friend of ours."

'I should be better, though. I'm representing something bigger than myself.'

"About the head," Sandaime-sama began warily.

"Do you want it?" Aiko asked. She blinked and uncrossed her legs under the table. "I- Hmm. I suppose I thought that I would keep it, but it's more than reasonable that you'd want to make sure it's authentic." She frowned, a little disquieted by her own impulse to keep it as a trophy. It was just gonna get hella yucky, fast. Maybe she was getting a little weird. "You can have it," she decided. She tapped her fingers on the table. "Be careful, though. I wouldn't touch that without gloves. Did you know he was venomous? Like, sizzling on contact with oxygen, I guess that's an acidic property, really... Was that a new thing? Ah, I suppose you wouldn't tell me either way."

Everyone leaned back from the table. It was slight, but it definitely happened.

Probably had happened since Orochimaru had left Konoha, then.

"Thank you." The Sandaime defintely sounded strained. "As you say..." He coughed. "The bounty, yes. We will of course make good on our promises. I will send a delegate to the Daimyo as well. And we ought to make a public announcement."

"Announce what?" Namikaze's voice was annoyingly cheerful.

She turned and caught the instant he saw the head on the table, and then her a moment later. He brightened. It was, she thought, truly obnoxious.

"False," Sanbi hissed.

"I did not," Sanbi said. He sounded affronted. "I do not hiss. What are- what are you referring to?"

Aiko frowned. 'You just said-'

"I did not say anything."

...She tried really, really hard not to contemplate what a second voice in her head might indicate. A mental break seemed like the best option.

This is fine. Everything is fine. It's just great.

"Mizukage-sama," her estranged, deceased, and annoying father said. He dipped his head toward her. "As expected."

"As expected?" The Sandaime said sharply.

Namikaze blinked and focused on the living. "We haven't talked," he pre-emptively denied. "I just meant that it was inevitable that she would kill Orochimaru."

Homura's eyes slid to the head. "Inevitable," he repeated.

Her muscles were very tense. She was not thinking about waking up in a room full of corpses and a relentless march toward a fight she really hadn't felt prepared for. She was- she was-

"More importantly," she said. Her voice came out a bit sharper than she intended. "Namikaze-san, has anyone updated you on international law regarding the treatment of non-hostiles?"

He blinked.

"Your behavior toward my students was inappropriate," she said. And ah, she was feeling more like herself. She leaned into the feeling and an aggressive tone. "Solo interrogation of a genin by a Kage is so far beyond the bounds of acceptable treatment of, I will stress, an ally only asked to remain in custody in order to provide information about his actions against aggressors."

He seemed pretty lost.

Aiko bared her teeth and gestured at the nook where an ANBU would be hiding. "Get nice stationary," she commanded. "I promised Yuusaku-kun that he would be receiving an apology."

Namikaze ran a hand through his hair. "Okay," he said.

She got the feeling that he might not be aware he was talking aloud.

"I can roll with this punch." He blinked and straightened a little bit. His tone changed. "I can write a letter. No, I was not aware of changes in international law, and I suppose that I had also not really considered that this peacetime environment might call for a different approach." He tilted his head. "I was also not primed to consider that this is, in fact, a peacetime environment, given my arrival."

She made a face. "That's fair," Aiko admitted. "Put that in your letter, that's mitigating."

"He's not entirely approaching normal, but competent," Sanbi commented.

Yeah, she kinda respected that for some reason.

Namikaze looked at the super-secret ANBU hiding nook. "Get the paper," he said, as if baffled that no one had leapt to follow her orders.

Danzou cleared his throat.

Aiko glanced at him and then immediately back to the more important people in the room, which really wasn't saying much.

"What, exactly, should I be considering as I draft this?" Namikaze asked. He leaned against the wall. "I can see that a genin would have been intimidated, is that the largest issue to address?" He frowned. "Power harassment?" he said, trying the thought out. "Is that what that was? I suppose it would be over-"

Danzou tapped his cane on the floor.

"whelming, given the different in rank and that, oh, a foreign military leader is..." Namikaze frowned. He glanced at her. "Probably feeling guilty or inadequate for failing to live up to what he thinks you or Kirigakure would expect?''

"That's exactly it," Aiko said. She was relieved that someone was getting it. "And getting- an entirely warranted- promotion to chuunin after probably exacerbated the situation-"

"Because he was feeling doubt that he deserved it, and like he is a fraud as well as a failure," Namikaze nodded.

"There is a similarity in your thought processes." Sanbi seemed a little warmer.

'I don't see it.'

"Another time, perhaps." The Sandaime was standing with his hands folded. "Please excuse me, Mizukage-sama. It seems that I have correspondence and other work to attend to. Unless you have further need of consultation, that is?"

She thought about it for a second. "I'm fine," Aiko said. She stood to bow. "Thank you for your time and this very timely meeting. I'll get that information about Orochimaru's bases to you by fax. I have a couple of errands to do first, but it should be relatively soon." She made eye contract. "I suppose it'll get to you around the time you send that transfer."

"I suppose it will," The Sandaime said, the ghost of amusement in his tone at her unsubtle ploy. "Namikaze-sama, perhaps your work would best be completed in your office?"

Ah. That was a dismissal.

'Can't very well linger in the Hokage's office if he's going to do errands.'

And so the group dissipated, without the Konoha contingent saying much of value at all. Granted, they'd been surprised by the meeting so they hadn't come in with a strategy. They'd probably expected the meeting to go very differently.

Aiko followed her father to the corner office where he had apparently been banished. He bustled to his desk and set down the nice letterhead he had been writing on.

She stuck her hands in her pockets and scrutinized the office. It certainly didn't show a lot of signs of inhabitance.

"How long do you have?" Minato asked.

"For you to write?" Aiko pursed her lips. "I'd hope you'd finish that within the hour."

"I meant before the Death God drags you back," Minato said absently. "He doesn't care for bending of the rules of life and death. Perversion and theft and all that. But that's good information, too." He pulled the cap off of his pen with his teeth and leaned forward to concentrate on the document.

.

.

.

He glanced up at her and let the pen cap fall to his desk. "Unless he has something else for you to do, I can't see why you'd linger for long. Once he's done sorting out what chaos Orochimaru left, he'll remember you." Then he shrugged. "But what do I know. I assume that the reason I'm still around is that you are. So I have a personal interest in this topic. But it's somewhat academic, since I'm not expecting to go back to where I have been."

There was something about the detached way he said that that made her flinch.

Aiko opened her mouth to say, "I'm not dead," but she couldn't put the lie out into the air. So she just stared at him, feeling far closer to her father than she had ever expected to. Despair kept a tight knot around her heart. "I'm not ready to be dead," she said instead.

"Accept it or fight it," Minato said. He blinked, and his blue eyes were the clearest she'd ever seen. "If you don't do something drastically different, your denials won't save you. Fighting it is probably futile, but if you're not ready to die with dignity..."

She wasn't ready. She didn't answer. She waited in silence until he finished the letter. She went back to Kirigakure and then back to work, because she didn't know what else to do.

"That's great news, I'll get Yuusaku in here for that after lunch." Nishikawa tapped his clipboard.

Aiko nodded and tried to manage a smile. It was a victory. She was happy for her student. Everything was going well.

"I think the biggest priority for the day, obviously, is the press release about your defeat of Orochimaru. We want to control that narrative and ensure that it gets out as soon as possible."

"Stress the cooperation with Konoha, I don't want anyone to accuse me of being places where I wasn't meant to be," Aiko directed. "But also the roles that our people played- leave it ambiguous about whether or not I was alone when I fought him, we won't actually lie. But our people reacted quickly and confirmed the kill. This is a big PR win for Kirigakure, I don't want it misread as just my actions. Kirigakure being responsible for eliminating one of the biggest missing nin in the world could go a long way towards mitigating our reputation for being easy on crime and making clear that we are going in a new direction."

Nishikawa's lips quirked as he furiously took notes. "I'll have a statement written up. We want to announce this internally- maybe over the loudspeaker system, that's worth a public celebration of some sort. Can we do something to make it a big event?"

"We can make tomorrow a paid public holiday…?" Aiko said, feeling uncertain. "Or make today a half-day, we should focus on today since it was today. But that only benefits government workers. How do we make up for that with the service industry and other types of workers?"

"Have people come here for some reason," Nishikawa suggested. He frowned. "Let's workshop this. We need someone fun."

"Alright, please schedule me a meeting with someone who is fun," Aiko agreed, grateful. She was starting to feel a bit better about this. "Maybe a couple of people. We need something fast. But it's also got to be workable, and not going to break the bank. Get someone in here right after my 10 o'clock meeting, if possible."

"Find...someone...fun…," Nishikawa wrote, forehead crinkled. "Before I do that- there is one more thing." He hesitated.

"Am I not going to like this thing?" Aiko asked.

"Aside from sending out the news, I think we also need to make sure you meet in person with the Fire Daimyo as soon as possible, since he needs to pay us a lot of money."

"Ohhh," Aiko said. She blinked. "I can do that."

"Do you have time to meet with the Fire Daimyo on Thursday?" Nishikawa looked pained, flipping between two pages of the master schedule book. "I think we need to block off the entire day for that, really… You'll have to enter at the closest border the conventional way and be escorted to the palace, they won't appreciate you-" he shot a glance at her. "Arriving at the gate directly," he finished diplomatically.

Aiko bit her lip and leaned back, thinking through what she had to do. "I need some morning time for fundraising work, but… I think that if we meet at the border at 8:30, I can be received at the palace and go through all the niceties. I think we will have to stay the night, it would be rude to rush out the same night. I'll need to step out in the evening but we can say I'm taking a long bath, and have our sentries ensure privacy."

"And that errand would be…?"

"Checking in with the pencil queen," Aiko said. She was trying to remember the woman's name. She needed to check that before the meeting, clearly. "I'm going to need her support to make sure our name stays golden currency in Wave, so I need to keep our appointments." She grimaced. "It'll be tight. I can probably give her 20 minutes. She's a business woman, she'll understand if I give her enough notice."

"Alright. And as for the team for this venture. We can spare…" Nishikawa pulled a pale yellow binder out from the shelf and flipped it open. He flipped pages, expression a little pained. "We need to be appropriate," he murmured.

"Not our strong suit." Aiko surreptitiously took off her socks underneath her desk.

He ignored her. "We want to bring enough big names that we look like we are a powerful force, but no one controversial… We don't want to look aggressive…"

"Oh no, we don't want them to think we are mean and scary," Aiko said mildly. She flexed her feet, thinking of all the people she had kicked to death across the span of her career.

"Or maybe we should just impress, as we are in near-enemy territory and it would not be at all surprising if this was a trap. Plenty of people would like to get rid of you."

"Hey," Aiko said. She frowned. "What did I do?"

He looked at her. He sighed. He looked back down at the binder. "Terumi-san, certainly," he said.

"Oh. I already know she wants me dead." Aiko waved that away. "Do you know about someone else?"

Nishikawa frowned. "What? No- no, I meant that she should attend this meeting. Is there- is there a problem with Terumi-san?" The pitch of his voice rose a bit at the end.

"It's fine."

He looked at her dubiously. "Wanting one's leader dead is traditionally considered somewhat problematic by administration. At the very least, perhaps she ought to be demoted out of leadership."

Aiko shrugged, disinterested. She'd used to feel a slight sense of relief at the possibility that Mei might kill her and let her rest. But now that she knew she was a creepy fucking monster and could not lay down and die if she wanted to, the issue was even less pressing. "Let's bring Utakata," she said. "He likes me."

Nishikawa outright laughed. He immediately straightened his face when she gave him a sharp look. He cleared his throat. "I believe that bringing a known jinchuuriki to a foreign Daimyo's residence would be provocative," he demurred.

"I see." Aiko bit her lip and thought about that. "Alright. I'll bring Utakata andGaara. It'll be a big show of strength, including our relationship with Suna, and it will make us such unpleasant houseguests that we definitely won't have to stay a second night."

"Your reasoning and manners are as impeccable as ever, Mizukage-sama," Nishikawa said dryly. He closed his books with a soft sound. "I'll ensure that they are assigned no missions in the interim, to prevent any possibility of them becoming unavailable."

"Lovely." She tucked her feet underneath her body, so that she was resting in seize on her chair. "Anything else I can work on while you requisition fun?"

"Fairly standard mission requests," Nishikawa said. He cleared his throat. "But I thought you might want to look at this personally." He avoided eye contact as he handed her a scroll.

Her eyebrows went up, but she accepted it and broke the seal. She read it silently, and then put it down on her desk. She rested her elbows on her desk and folded her hands. She looked at the space where the wall met the ceiling and contemplated her life choices.

There was a long, awkward silence.

"It's a very-well compensated mission," Nishikawa said mildly.

"It sure is," Aiko agreed. She stared into space over his head, wondering why her life was this way. It was definitely her fault, but still, she wanted to complain to someone.

What was the use of having a godly master if he wasn't even a good excuse for the bullshit that happened?

"It would be very odd not to accept it. And if we did reject it, not only would the client wonder why, but they would go to another nation." He paused pointedly. "With the information that we had rejected the mission."

"I would never reject a valuable mission that does not conflict with our morals." She knew she was making an ANBU level blank face. "Very well. Of course we will accept and assign appropriate personnel."

"And do our best to find the woman who is running a very profitable international drug running operation."

"Definitely a bad person," Aiko said, thinking of the money that went directly and ironically into paying for drugs for the hospitals, bought from Iron. "We will apprehend her. Such criminal actions are not to be tolerated anywhere in the Elemental Nations"

"Our jounin can handle nearly anything," Nishikawa said, face and voice perfectly blank. He was definitely laughing at her, on the inside.

She wondered if this would conflict with her Thursday morning plans to deliver a drug shipment. Well. That was entirely up to her, wasn't it?

…In the long term, she would make a lot more money by continuing the operation. In the short term, this payment would be nice. And it also didn't set well to accept a mission, knowing full-well that she wouldn't allow it to be successful. If nothing else, it was unfair to her staff. Failed missions went on records, after all. And it would be embarrassing to lose face with the client.

Aiko sighed, deeply resentful, and resigned herself to retiring that particular fundraising effort. It would just create a vacuum in the market anyway, but whatever. She'd let whoever she assigned run around for a while looking productive while she did one last profitable hurrah and then… have them report that they were successful and killed the criminal. Something like that.

…Who could she assign to this mission who would not ask too many questions? Did she want someone too dim to realize that she was at least connected to the crime, or find someone who she hoped would have a good sense of humor?

"You have a lot more stupid employees than funny employees," Sanbi pointed out.

She wanted to defend them, but… Kiri was not really known for cultivating easy-going personalities.

"Bring me our finest moron," Aiko declared. She spun her chair around. "I need someone with absolutely no deductive reasoning skill whatsoever."

Nishikawa looked like he was in actual pain.

"A real dum-dum," Aiko added., because she was enjoying his facial expressions today. "Like, someone with high enough rank for this mission, because I only want to put one person on it. But just dumb as a box of rocks. I don't want to hear any whispers of this person having made inferences before. Not a whiff of higher reasoning to be sniffed in their vicinity."

"I'm looking forward to seeing who your subordinate puts forward," Sanbi admitted. She cherished the childlike glee in his tone. She didn't get to hear that often.

"I will see what I can do to subtly locate our highest ranked…. person who fits your criteria, in the next day or two." Nishikawa stood, holding his binders and scrolls against his chest. He managed his poker face again. "If that is all, Mizukage-sama…?"

"Yes, it's fine." She stretched her arms and settled her legs back underneath her desk. "I have 20 minutes until my next meeting, right?"

"That's correct. By your leave, Mizukage-sama." He bowed his way out of her office.

Her 10:00 o'clock meeting was a total bummer. But at least she got them in and out without too many tears.

At 11:00, her door creaked open.

Aiko perked up. It was fun time.

Mei entered, looking supremely uncomfortable. She did not seem surprised at all by the way that Aiko's face fell. "I don't know anything about fun," Mei denied. She let the door shut behind her and then immediately crossed her arms. "I understand luxury, but that isn't quite the same."

'There is something seriously wrong in this country.'

"Have you ever… had… fun?" Aiko tried.

Mei looked a little ill.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "We are two intelligent women," Aiko said, trying to pump herself up. "We can think of something financially sound and celebratory in less than an hour."

"If we are focusing on what is financially sound, we can brainstorm with things that are inexpensive or free," Mei suggested, sounding a little more certain. "Things that are free include things that can be acquired in nature, or through jutsu use."

"Or things we can get from a dollar store, or steal," Aiko added.

"There's nothing we could get some a dollar store in large enough quantities for a national celebration, I think," Mei said. "And we don't have much time for theft."

"...Experiences can be free," Aiko said slowly, thinking that over. "The occasion is that Orochimaru is dead. Maybe we can let people see that. Is that kinda ghoulish?"

"No, no," Mei dismissed. Her eyes were sparkling. "We'll lay the body out and let people come in."

"They can take photos with it!" Aiko said, thrilled. "Memorabilia!"

Mei outright laughed. "People would pay for that," she said. She paused. "…Would you be willing to pose in those photos?"

"Yes," Aiko said empathically. "The only problem is that we need a head. His head is in Konoha."

"Ah…" Mei frowned. "We can print a high quality photo and pin it to a squash."

She took a moment to picture that. "It's perfect," she hissed. "Let's make scarecrows, actually. I'll go back and steal more of his clothes to make it authentic. We can let the kids throw things at him. At the end of the day, we can burn the best scarecrow in celebration."

"Let's make a whole festival out of it," Mei suggested. "Games- we don't need a lot of materials. Eggs and spoons, water balloons, rope for 3-legged races…"

"Oh! And since it's Orochimaru, let's do some Orochimaru-themed things! Ah… We can have arts and crafts. Mixed medium, the person who brings in the best snake is the winner. We can do a jutsu competition, and I'll teach the winner something that I stole from his library."

Mei eyed her sideways. "This plan involves a lot of thefts."

"Yes, it is very economical," Aiko agreed. "Also, it's not really stealing if you already killed the owner." She started scribbling out a plan on her open notebook. "I'd say- loudspeaker at 12:00 that there's going to be an announcement, ask people to gather where they can hear me speak. That'll be at 12:30. I'll tell them that all work is cancelled for the rest of the day in order to celebrate." She frowned, thinking about the optimal order to get the party-planning done in. "While that's going on, I want the - Oh! My park is going to pay off!" She grinned, triumphant. "There are so many benches! Anyway. I want the photobooth area to be announced, but not set up until a little later- maybe 3:00. I'll open the park up at 2:00. I'll ask people to bring chairs or picnic blankets to come enjoy a day off in the park, and make tomorrow a half-day so that everyone can sleep in."

"Alright," Mei said, standing up. "We have planned some fun. I'll go find eggs."

"And I'll go steal. Meeting adjourned."

[party-pixie]

yo, owner of daily demon spotlight here, what'd you think of smt v? i wanna have tempered expectations for when vengeance comes out, so i was curious how someone who played it felt about it. ty in advance! :)

hi!! overall i really liked smtv tbh, at least enough to keep playing to get every ending (and then see the vengeance reveal THE NIGHT I FINISHED MY LAST RUN 😭)

i'll try to keep it a little vague in case you don't want too many spoilers but......there's still some spoilers lmao i'm so sorry but i at least tried to leave out the huge details or not explicitly say them

in terms of gameplay, it's really fun!! it's pretty difficult at first (i played on hard mode my first run but i've read that normal and casual can be challenging too i guess esp if you're new to the series) but it gets easier as you progress. a lot of people seemed to have a problem with the level scaling, esp for the shiva battle since he's a lv96 superboss (optional really but required for the secret neutral ending) but the bosses in the very final dungeon are like......lv80-85. even the final boss is only like lv85 unless you're doing the secret neutral route then he's lv90 i think. i didn't really think much ab the level scaling until i saw other people talking ab it but.......yea i had HUGE problems with shiva, i had to max out the level of my whole team just to take him on, but then it turned the endgame bosses into a total joke. i had a hard time with some of the other bosses too, the ones i remember the most being hydra, nuwa, lahmu, surt, and vasuki but it might be different on lower difficulties. the magatsuhi gauge + the skills were fun to use but the one you get at the very beginning that just comes with being a nahobino is.........kinda the only one you really need a lot of the time since you can just crit everything when you use it. it didn't really make all of the other ones obsolete tho since some were really good for survival like buffs/healing, it's just that it was a little too easy to get away with using the critical one for most of the time

oh, the unique skills were a good addition too, a lot of them were super useful like idun's, demeter's, and danu's since they all had good healing + extra effects. a lot of the new demons were good too, i haven't used all of them but the ones that i did use either really saved my ass or i just enjoyed having them on my team. although, i'm pretty disappointed the last 3 bosses aren't fusible and i'm ESPECIALLY disappointed that lucifer isn't fusible considering he was in apocalypse. he has such a good design in this game i'm so upset i can't have him on my team 😭 oh yea, and demons being locked behind an alignment is a little annoying but i don't really mind it much????? idk i feel like it gives the game a little more replay value, so i don't mind as long as it's not overly difficult to get. danu. inanna. and maria being locked behind certain alignments and ALSO being locked behind 70% compendium completion was a little annoying, but if you've got the macca to burn you can just summon directly from the compendium for new fusions until you get 70%, so it's not overly difficult to do. maybe a little tedious. i also liked the essence mechanic, but getting them was SUCH a pain since there isn't really any consistent way to farm them except for the aogami essences which are a little easier to get. i prefer the demon whisper from iv/a tbh but essences makes it easier to get certain skills on demons without having to do fusion gymnastics to get the perfect build

another thing is that there were only two real dungeons since the open areas were kinda supposed to serve as dungeons to a certain degree, but those two dungeons were........pretty underwhelming. the first one was really annoying cus it had a fan mechanic that would blow you to certain areas around the rooms and you kinda had to be careful with the timing on certain ones. it wasn't overly difficult to get around, it's just the fans that were a pain. the second dungeon was also the second to last area you go thru in the whole game and the setup was so ridiculous??????? like, it had a ton of long hallways and dead ends which is kinda to be expected but when you see a pic of the whole map for each section it's like "who the hell designed this?!" it's not even difficult to get thru, it's actually SUPER easy even with the time stopping doors gimmick which you can just......ignore entirely and the only consequence is losing out on some treasure. the layout is just weird and chaotic and seems like it might've been rushed cus it's also pretty empty, tbh both dungeons are

for the game's story..........oh god. it's pretty clear it was really rushed cus it was super underbaked. i didn't hate it, i actually liked the beginning a lot! but it falls off really bad after the second lahmu fight imo and the pacing just ends up all messed up. like the second lahmu fight feels like you're still early in the story but it's more like closer to midgame. and after finishing each major area, you end up going back to tokyo and having a meeting with your friends and director koshimizu at the research center, so all of those cutscenes look more or less the exact same since it's always in the same room and even the placement of the characters is almost the same. i've seen some people complain ab the lack of world building and while i don't think it has as much as iv/a did, a lot of the world building just ends up coming from talking to npcs and doing side quests instead of the main story. idk if that's good writing/design really but it's how the game ended up. there's also a few parts where they seem to be building up to something really big, but then the thing they were building up to ends up being mostly underwhelming. like the part where you meet yuzuru in da'at in front of the broken train, it feels like something is ab to happen, like a demon is gonna ambush them or they're gonna run into another friend like dazai, but then the convo ends and nothing happens. but it feels like something should've happened! and the pandemonic summit should've happened a lot earlier imo, idk i just feel like the placement of it is off cus after the summit, you're in the last main area and the end of the game is basically right around the corner. as long as you can beat the shit out of odin, zeus, and vasuki, you can get to the end relatively quickly, but it feels like more should've happened between the summit and the end of the game

i really liked a lot of the side quests tho! i think the khonsu one was my favorite and i wish he and miyazu didn't get sidelined so badly 😔 but the gameplay was really what kept me coming back for ng+ so many times tbh

the characters are all severely underdeveloped too, the only character that gets much at all is dazai tbh. yuzuru is off doing his own thing for a huge majority of the story and his sister miyazu is completely useless, getting minimized to being the chronically ill girl who just hangs out in the fairy forest the entire time. she get sidelined so badly which was so sad to me cus i ended up loving her, esp after the khonsu quest. sahori could've been given a little more, i wish she had a bigger role or something. tao also could've been expanded on a lot more especially considering her role in the grand scheme of things. even aogami doesn't get much of a backstory but it seems like they meant to try and touch on that but couldn't cus of time constraints. dazai is the only one that gets much of an arc at all, and it's decently interesting. i get that they might've wanted to try to do what nocturne did where you almost immediately split off from your friends and only meet intermittently, so their development happens offscreen, but i don't think this game did that very well. it also doesn't help that the world of v is so much more whimsical compared to nocturne

and oh god the ending...... i thought the cutscene where you finally ascend to the throne was beautiful so i don't necessarily hate it, but the way they tied the ending in with everything else was so obviously rushed and not well done. if you've played any of the other mainline games (mostly nocturne and iv/a are my frame of reference since i haven't played i or ii and haven't finished strange journey redux yet) it's really different in a way that i didn't really like. after you beat the final boss, the cutscene where you'd see or at least get an idea of the kind of world you created is so.....disappointing a little bit???? i won't spoil the endings for the other games in case you haven't played them, but the gist of them is that you're with your respective alignment rep and they're talking to you. but in v it's just.....you're getting narrated at by some guy! the whole thing is kinda just an info dump of how the new world turned out instead of getting to infer from the conversation with the alignment rep you sided with! like, really?? it would've been nice to see how the alignment reps felt about the new world at least

i was treating this as kinda a spoiler but tbh if you've played any other mainline game you can kinda expect lucifer to be the final boss or an endgame boss, but they basically used him as a huge infodump at the end?????? if you do the secret neutral ending he starts talking sometimes mid-battle about stuff about the universe that was never mentioned earlier in the story???? like, he talks about how the universe is doomed to reincarnate (which i know is par for the course in smt but still....) and that you have to kill him to break the cycle, but nobody else really mentioned that during the story. and i guess you could suspend your disbelief and say only he knows about it since he consumed the knowledge of the creator so of course none of the other characters would know, but that whole thing just felt really random, like the devs suddenly remembered that smt is supposed to have themes of reincarnation so they threw that in at the end. i don't think he mentions any of this in the other endings, and you don't even fight him in the normal neutral ending! and then after you kill him and see the cutscene about the new world, you find out in the post credits cutscene that none of that shit even worked!! so what the hell was all that for!?!!?!? i get that smt always has huge nihilist themes so the whole "you just did all of that for absolutely nothing cus we're doomed to reincarnate forever" thing isn't out of left field, but man seeing that post credits cutscene REALLY made it feel like i just did all that for absolutely fuckin' NOTHING. i'm kinda conflicted about it honestly, cus it was an interesting twist! i was surprised by it and the way they revealed it was really cool! but it also felt like it just diminished all of the world building lucifer just dumped onto us literally 10mins prior

the requirements for the secret neutral ending also felt really weird cus you're supposed to help all of these demons and it's basically showing you that even the demons aren't completely evil, but then the ending for that route is just "nah fuck all of them, this world is only for humans" and i just don't think it was a very good writing choice. the requirements make you feel like maybe there IS a solution for all of this conflict and maybe there is some kind of way to coexist with demons in a positive way, but then you see the ending and it's like oh......nvm then. maybe it turned out that way cus of time contraints, i don't know. i pretty strongly believe the secret neutral ending was meant to be a route centering around miyazu and khonsu considering the requirements to get it, but then the time constraints made atlus have to dump khonsu and miyazu off into a side quest and shift things around

overall, i'd say it was a good game! the gameplay is a lot more compelling than the story, but the problems with the story really only become glaringly obvious if you play it 4 times over like i did lmao. i've seen some people ask if they should play the game or wait for vengeance, or say that they got the game to play while waiting for vengeance to release and tbh.......i don't think it's all that worth it, if i didn't have the game already i'd just be waiting for vengeance since the story of the original game is still gonna be available, it'll just be a different path entirely. plus vengeance is supposed to have a lot of improvements both storywise and gameplay wise, so i feel like it's better to just wait. i'm really looking forward to it tho, i've been loosely following the trailers/news and it looks like miyazu will have more of a role and they've added a lot of cool gameplay mechanics 🥰

i wasn't expecting this to be so long, but i feel like there's a lot to say about the game even if it seems like there isn't. i just really liked the game despite all its problems and it's in really close second as my favorite after iv, so the release of vengeance makes me wonder if it'll top iv as my favorite. thanks for giving me a chance to word vomit ab it lol

[strawberrijellyfish]

I'M TIRED OF EVERYONE!!! || Yap No. 1 ✩*ೃ.⋆ 𝖬𝗂𝗇𝗈𝗋 𝖳𝖶: 𝖩𝗈𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗅𝗒 𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖨'𝗅𝗅 𝗄𝗆𝗌, 𝖺 𝖻𝗂𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗇𝗈𝗇𝖾𝗌𝖾𝗇𝗌𝖾, 𝗒𝖺𝗉𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗂𝗌𝗍!

No because tell me why for 2021 to 202FIVE, I have been crushing on basically people who are DRY and who give me MIXED SIGNALS on--a daily basis?!!! LIKE YOU CANNOT BE FOR REAL WITH ME RIGHT NOW. And it doesn't matter what gender are they as well, literally, men or women it's--AUGHHH!!! LIKE WHY!!! It's so stupid!! Is it me. Am I the problem??? If you're uninterested, just SAY SO PLEASE I DON'T CARE I SWEAR!! Like literally be frank with me and I'll stop, LIKE PLEASE!! "Hahaha, do you gain feelings easily? I do pretty easily." ???? WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!! IS THIS A SIGN?? THAT WAS OUT OF NOWHERE. YES!! I DO GAIN FEELINGS EASILY!! "I smelled something that reminded me of you." Ho, bullet to my head. Like, wh--WHATTTTT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. I'M FLATTERED?? I FELT SO GIDDY!! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN PLEASSEEE SOMEONE TELL ME RIGHT NOW!! WHY DO YOU KNOW MY SCENT?? WH--???????? WHATTTTT "You're so cute when you're sleepy." Ho, I'm about to STRANGLE YOU WHO SAYS THAT!! WHO?? WH?? WHTEHAEIHUDAHIDDA KEEP YOURSELF SAFE!! Then you're going to say, "Oh you're such a good friend!" ????? Tell me how you feel about me before I run over you with my CAR!! I can't beat you in a fight but my car certainly can!! (I don't even know how to drive) Me: "Hahaha!..Are we flirting right now?" Them: "Well, if you want it to be." ITS A YES OR NO QUESTION YOU DUMBASS!! YOU DUMB ASS MOTHERFUCKING MULTONG BABOY NA WALANG ULO TANGINA ULOL!!! WHO ANSWERS, "Well if you want it to be" TO A QUESTION LIKE THAT?!!! STOP PLAYING WITH ME BEFORE I BLOW UP AND TAKE EVERYONE WITH ME!!! The whole COUNTRY is going to be wiped off on this beautiful planet we call Earth!!! You're so dry it's driving me insane!! You: "Maybe it's because they don't actually have any interest in you." WELL!! I'M GOING TO BE HONEST I THINK THE SAME BUT THEN IT ALL COMES DOWN TO LIKE, A 50/50 CHANCE?!!! THEY WERE SO SWEET AT THE BEGINNING WHAT HAPPENED. IS IT ME?? Literally if that was the case, SAY SO PLEASE!! BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BECAUSE I'M OVERTHINKING THIS BUT LIKE!!! ERM!! CHAT!!! Like guys, I do NOT wanna waste my time sobbing over on whether or not they like me or not like, been there done that!! You: "If that's the case, why don't you confess? It's a 50/50 chance, I say take the risk." I DO NOT--Y'know how embarrassing rejection is?? Like, hello. No thankyou!! Like.. n-noooo NONONONO!!!! It's just so terrifying, I know like, it could be a possible missed opportunity but like. From what I see it, it's like a 30 out of 70 chance they like me despite everyone saying it's a 50/50!! IF ANYTHING, THEY SHOULD BE THE ONE CONFESSING TO ME!!! TANGINANG BABAERO NA YAN AMPUTA!! Call me a pussy, a wimp, and I still won't confess. Unless someone's giving me like, $50, then I will but guess what?! NO ONES GIVING ME $50!!! LIKE I'M ALONE IN THIS!! (Not really, shoutout to my close friends!) SO LIKE!! UGHUHEUIAHIAHUHA!! I'm going INSANE! Is this a me problem, am I the problem here? Like literally if you want me to stop yapping, I WILL STOP YAPPING! LIKE, JUST BE FORWARD WITH ME PLEASE! Like ngl I have been dropping HINTS. Like, like. I KNOW IT'S KIND OF HYPOCRITICAL BUT LIKE...LIKE!!! I DON'T WANNA CONFESS!!!! We're literally classmates, like if I confess and you reject me I'm jumping off the moment we make eye-contact. Do NAWT play with me, oh my days. Like, BE FOR REAL! I know I could've typed this on like, what, twitter or reddit but reddit is just..err, not really for me unless I need solid advice I guess?? and Twitter?........er. Hahaha, hell no!! Tumblr is cuter anyways. I mean, like I could've just taken this to tiktok but like, making a blockblast voice over video is just too much work in my opinion. I'm too lazy for it, PLUS the chances of EVERYONE I know seeing the video and connecting the dots?!! No thankyou!!

[blindedbythedarkness]

Dear future me,

It's that time again on New Years Eve where I take a hot sec to actually see where I'm at. I did the same last year and just read it back and it was actually pretty useful, to see how much has changed and also how little.

I'll try and keep this brief, not least because I'm pretty shattered and ready for bed, even if it is still two hours until midnight.

How am I? Emotionally, I'd say turbulent. On the one hand I'm pretty consistently lonely at the minute - besides my partner the online friends I have has dwindled in number to 1.5 at this point. And 1 if you only count the people who ever make an effort to message me first. Day-to-day to med school is also emotionally exhausting, being constantly passively gaslit by crowds of maskless faces. There are people in this cohort who I like, and in another life maybe would easily have become good friends with, but the whole constantly-exposing-me-to-a-deadly-virus thing means there's a real ceiling on how much I can really bond with them.

On the other hand, some things are positive. For one, I made it back to medical school and I'm just about coping on placements. That's exactly what 2023 Me was hoping for this time last year, so that's a huge win! I've even gained the highest possible mark on my placements so far and honestly I feel a lot more confident than before my year out. I think my job taking 70+ patient calls per day did me good, even if it did feel like literal torture at the time.

Also, I've become a founding member of a local clean air advocacy group this year and we've achieved good things in only 6 months. As a last minute win for the year, earlier this evening the local hospital trust has just recommended FFP2/3 masks and ventilation to limit respiratory viruses on Twitter. I actually had to pinch myself when I saw it!! But I'm sure our constant pestering has played a role. It's not always been easy as it's essentially a voluntary group project, but I think together we can do far more than as individuals.

Health-wise, I'm far better than I was this time last year, yet still worse than I ever was pre-2023. I don't have debilitating daily headaches with light and sound sensitivity, and I much more rarely get bone and joint pain. I am extremely grateful that I've made the improvements I have, and petrified of ever losing that ground again to a reinfection. However, my fatigue and POTS are still quite a big issue and they've meant my return to medical school has had to be in a wheelchair. Adapting to that has been hard - it's one thing navigating all the difficulties you never thought of before (slippery rims in the rain, steep slopes, radar keys for toilets) and another to do it being stared at and patronised the whole time.

Balancing fatigue and med school has also been really tough as I feel like I've lost so much time for myself. When working shifts, I've been going to bed as early as 8pm to try and cram in enough hours that I can function the next day, and it means I just never get to relax and do what I want to do. I'm also really feeling the pressure of the med school calender, with no reading weeks, two weeks for Christmas and only a week for Easter. It's so hard to balance recharging and revising. I just keep telling myself it's time limited, I can work part time once I graduate. In the meantime, I need to make time to rest or I know my body will make that time for me at it's convenience.

My partner has very much been my rock this past year with all my health issues (not that he wasn't before). He's stepped up to doing a lot more things for me, ultimately making him my carer at this point. But I need it, and it's given me the energy and time I need to improve. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be making it through medical school without him, and I tell him that when I get this degree, it belongs to both of us. He's humble though, and just tells me he's sure I could do it anyway. I don't know what I did right to have him in my life, but I'm so fucking grateful he is.

Public-health wise, things are still broadly shit. This year has seen massive surges of whooping cough, measles and walking pneumonia and even more cases of people pretending that's somehow fucking normal. Currently the NHS is being pummeled by the so-called "quad-demic" of covid, flu, RSV and norovirus. Of course, nobody could have foreseen this 🙄 hospitals seem even more resistant than last year to reintroduce masks, though a few trusts are finally starting to cave. Meanwhile, over in the US bird flu is grumbling on, ready to kick off at any minute. California has declared a state of emergency and there's reports it's only one mutation away from efficient human to human spread. I've not kept up with it much besides that, but all the experts seem to think Things Really Aren't Looking Good. Such fun!

Besides that in world news - the entire West is still ignoring the ongoing genocide in Palestine (amongst others). And frankly it really sucks being able to do fuck all to stop it. Protests aren't covid-safe and in a world where I feel guilty turning on a single radiator, I can't afford to donate. Besides that, fucking Trump got elected again, so we all have that to look forward to in Janauary. I mean, I should count myself lucky that I'm not American since its them who will suffer the most (and inevitably die. Fuck this shit.) But it's still going to fuck over the whole world, for sure.

I said I would keep this short didn't I? 😅 I guess there's just a lot of things I know future me will want to look back on and compare notes.

Oh, the last thing! Tomorrow we get two new pet rats! We got our first pair of babies this year but they seem a little lonely and we're hoping two more will improve the dynamic. So yeah, watch this space!! Hopefully by this time next year they've all made friends and are ticking along nicely.

With the state of everything, my old OCD tendencies have been worming their way into my thoughts. I feel somewhat scared to say what I hope for next year, in case I somehow curse it to never happen. But I'll be brave and say I hope I'm still managing well at med school, despite the lack of holidays. I hope I'm still free from (re)infections and my long covid is at least manageable. And I hope we continue to move towards a safer, healthier world even if at the current glacial pace. Oh, and of course I hope my partner and I are both just happy, in general! Please be kind, universe!!!

To future me, I say I'm proud of you. You often spend so much time thinking about how far you have to go that you forget to look back on how far you've come. You've done great things, and you're going to do so many more. So be kind to yourself, rest, and keep taking it one day at a time. I love you.

C

[pazodetrasalba]

Back-Of-The-Envelope calculation

Dear Caroline:

With entries of yours to comment inexorably running out, I keep thinking about what else I could write you about. I've already mentioned book reviews - these will keep me going for some time, but not daily. Same for very occasional news pieces about you that might see the light of day from time to time. One thing that came to my mind today was one of those back-of-the-envelope calculations that are so dear to applied mathematicians, EAs and Rationalists and which I know you love (in my case, what attracts me to math is the complete opposite: no practical applications whatsoever, and a painfully rigorous and unquestionable lack of fuzziness and ambiguity).

As I usually fret about the value of writing this blog at all, let's put some bs, speculative numbers on that. The main purpose this blog is written for is the hope that whatever I say in it can be helpful, entertaining and empathetic at a time when I presume you would need and profit the most from it. For that to have any change of happening at all, you would first need to know of its existence. I'll start guessing that there's perhaps a 70% chance of that being the case - you have been terribly busy and under stress during the last few months, but I imagine you would still have had some time for yourself, some access to the Internet and some curiosity , even if unhealthy, in what people would be thinking and saying about you and in/near your defunct digital spaces.

The next step is, supposing you have discovered the actuality of these lines, to guess if a glimpse at them might have had the opposite of the intended effect. I can imagine how they might have been read in the worst possible way (the experience of your own blog's reflections is very illustrative here), as maybe obsessive, intrusive, impertinent or just not wanted. If you were a complete normie, I'd be inclined to put a high number on that, and I am probably biased by my perception of my own good intentions, but both these things lead me to cook a number at around 40% for the bad case, and a 60% for a positive interpretation.

The last step, assuming you've learned of the blog AND didn't find it off-putting, is how much would you have read of it and found it useful - that's the most important number of all. This is a really tough guess; I am sure you have plenty of friends and family who have been giving you the support you need, but putting myself in your shoes -which is always a dangerous gambit-, I think I would have appreciated something like this. If I give that a 50% chance, that means that an optimal outcome for the intentions of my writing should have roughly 0.7 times 0.6 times 0.5, leading to a roughly one in five chance of having attained my goals. That doesn't feel like much, but such is usually the case in life.

A follow-up would probably consist of checking if my efforts were worth the probability of success, with positive and negative utilons and EV counted in but here my creativity with numbers feels just too arbitrary and wishy-washy. I know the labor this has required of me - about an hour every day for the last year-, but I just can't put a significant figure on the goodness-for-you of my blog at the said 21% chance of success. Ultimately, I feel that making these calculations a priori wouldn't have moved me one way or another to write all of this, and that my empathy for you and desire to help would have simply overwhelmed any calculation I could have cooked up.

[furryphantomnacho]

When I say it aloud, it feels petty, but I've kept a list of things I have wanted over the course of our relationship.

I wanted a proper ring set to show I was married. Nothing extravagant as I'm uncomfortable with expensive or flashy jewerly, but something that said someone put a ring on it.

A sectional sofa or decent living room furniture instead of the hodge podge of items I've bought 2nd hand or found for free over the years.

A kayak or canoe. I love to be outside when it's warm and love the serenity of gliding over calm, deep, dark water most of all.

A miniature village. I have always had a thing for those small Lemax style Christmas village displays. I know as a hobby or collection, it can get expensive, which is why I'm more than fine with 2nd hand, thrifted, or individual pieces purchased over time.

A hot tub. Again, would be ok with one purchased used as long as it was sanitized (and I'd do it myself anyway, because I like to be clean). Even an inflatable hot tub would be nice. I have arthritis and spine issues.

I think I keep a list of these things because they were promised, and I don't feel they are unreasonable requests, not over the course of a decade or more. Especially not in comparison to the things we've financed and struggled to pay for, for his hobbies and interests.

When he got into sewing, he wanted to do automotive reupholstery. We bought an industrial sewing machine, fabric, and special needles and thread. The machine itself was 3 grand. Bolts of fabric are ridiculous.

When he wanted to do fabrication and YouTube videos, we bought an LLC license, camera equipment, outsourced production for a very niche item, a drone for aerial shots, and spent money for him to travel to locations to film for himself or others.

A 3D printer, when a "cheap" one was still a grand and the technology still new. One of the kids tripped over the cord, causing it to fall and break. He had it sitting on a converted barstool with the power cable stretched like a tripwire across the room. We had a tiny toddler. Didn't buy the warranty.

3 motorcycles. One was a project piece that was given away when the project became too much. The other two were Harleys.

Power tools. Dewalt brand, because it has to be.

A bus. Yup. A bus. That is a whole story in and of itself, and maybe I'll get around to posting about it, but it was a converted 60's something commercial bus.

A greenhouse. That he had to have set up before winter, but wouldn't use in the winter, because it was cold. Is now wondering if it's already too warm in the greenhouse for the plants. Gardening equipment; fans, tools, special soil, seeds, grow tents, lights, and chemicals.

A 70-inch TV, for our hodgepodge living room.

His daily commute vehicle is usually something fun or unique to his taste and interests.

Another Xbox for his room once we moved into separate rooms. Says it's to co-op with the kids, rarely plays with them.

Guitars. Ones a LesPaul. Amplifiers, speakers, pedals 😒, etc.

Another truck. It's older and doesn't really run right now. Needs parts, but otherwise, it sits in front of the house. He said we needed it for all the projects we have to do around the house. I use my wagon or have things delivered for the projects I do.

Other electronic equipment; hard drives, computers, monitors, projectors and screens, microphones, and software.

So maybe it's not that petty? Maybe I'm angry because there IS an unfairness to our dynamic?

Part of the reason I bring all of this up is because, yes, I finally got the ring set, after over a decade and this past 2 Christmases, Ive gotten 4 pieces of my village. Yesterday, I had a sectional couch delivered. It's glorious and huge and me and my babies can stretch out together on it while being next to each other. It was a bit less than 3 grand. I put 200 of my school money down on it and am looking for a job, in part to pay for it and balance the bills out.

I feel so guilty about it. I didn't do it behind his back, as he had suggested it to begin with and even put it on his credit, but the guilt is astounding.

I ended up giving him my debit card for him to purchase his special soil because I felt so bad. I just enabled it, didn't I? Made it worse? Perpetuated the cycle? I have a feeling he checked the account balance and will know I was misleading on what I had in there. I said just had 200 for the couch and a bit extra, but I didn't say that there was a little more behind that. The couch money and extra are just what I had earmarked for use, I was trying to save the rest.

Last night, after he did some work, and he called me out to see, he asked if I was only staying with him for the possibility of the money he could make once he retired. I told him it had never been about the money, that as long as he tried and made things equal, that's what I really cared about. I would buy him all the things if I could, I try to even when we don't have the money, just to show him that I love and appreciate and care that he is satisfied. I want him to pursue his interests but want the same consideration for myself in return.

He's had a couple of offers for high paying technical positions that align with the best parts of his career. Things that spilled over into personal interests and were added to the list of things bought and financed over the years. I told him that while it would be great if he could make that kind of money, what I really wanted was for him to be happy, but he still had responsibilities to his family. His retirement will cover most of our basic living expenses, and me going back to work should cover the rest, so anything he does would be in addition to that.

I found this a little hurtful. When we first got together, he told me his friends thought I was a gold digger, a uniform chaser, a dependa because my first husband had been military as well, because I had a young kid and was working as a waitress or other odd jobs. He said he lost those friends because of me. That it was their response to our relationship that caused him to cut them off.

I guess I'm in it for the long game?

That's sarcasm.

If I was a gold digger, then I would be a pretty terrible one, that's for sure.

He did ask if buying the couch made up for earlier this year. I said sure.

I keep going back to how guilty I feel about the couch.

A friend of his that has become somewhat friends with me retired and took a new position. I reached out and asked if this major company was hiring for someone with no job experience who hadn't completed their degree and he said he'd hook me up, sent me the link and had me fill out the application. Said he would get in front of it and talk to the hiring manager directly after the long weekend. Part of this process included an assessment, which I'm pretty sure I did terribly on as afterward I got an automated email saying the company had decided to go with other applicants.

It was a blow for sure. I don't know what to do with that. Do I message the friend and ask whats up or do I just say thanks for the opportunity and move on?

I graduate in August. If I can pay for it. His benefits for me run out next month, and he hasn't offered to sign over any additional months.

I'm trying to work through all the negative emotions today, but it's difficult.

[heliads]

Numbers 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, and 100 for the 4:02 a.m. asks, my love?? 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

yay!! questions!! using this as an excuse to procrastinate studying for my finals (it is not my fault, i am brain dead and this is more fun)

10. Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody?

yes! similarly to your answer, first girl i fell in love with. everyone's gotta have that one person who made them have a sexuality crisis (and also gave them mental health issues etc). i still follow her on instagram, we text for birthdays and holidays but never more than a couple of messages before radio silence for a few months. it does break my heart a little but what can ya do

20. Do you want a grand adventure?

do i want it? yes. will it probably happen? no. the idea of having Some Great Experience would make me so happy but idk when or how it would happen. i'm not asking for a lotr-type multi-year journey, but maybe a few weeks in another country with friends you keep for a long time would sound pretty good to me.

30. Are your choices fated or of your own free will?

of your own free will, but the choices available to you will differ drastically on the situation in which you were born. ex) it's way easier for someone born into a lot of wealth to make the choices to eat right or only take jobs from companies they like as opposed to someone who wasn't from a wealthy area. overall i think we make the choices that we want, but not all people get to make all choices, if that makes sense?

40. what makes a person 'good'? are you a 'good person'?

ooh that is a difficult question. i'd say that you're a 'good person' if you consistently try to do the right thing, and help others within your own power. i think i am a good person, or i try to be, at least? i volunteer a lot. i help my friends when i can, and i listen to them. i do my best.

50. what do you expect from a friend or partner?

honesty, mainly. also i want them to make me feel important. i've had a lot of friend groups that give off this tangible impression that i am not their priority, which sucks obviously. basically i want to be valued

60. what do you think the next era of fashion will be like?

this one is interesting! honestly i am not the most fashion-savvy but probably a resurgence of old trends like we're seeing right now, maybe greater strides with non-gender conforming fashion and people being more comfortable to show off their own unique style

70. what's the tragedy of your life?

i have been very blessed with my life so far, i'd say, so i don't know that there's a great tragedy compared to the hardships that others are facing? closest i can come is that i will never fully be able to let myself rest. no matter what i do, it's not enough for me. my standards for myself are impossible to meet and so i'll never be proud of myself completely. anyway that got sad fast xoxo

80. is your music organized by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time?

i do love making playlists for random occasions but most often i just shuffle whatever daily mixes spotify gives me and roll from there

90. given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it?

i would not! i'm happy with where i am, the friends i made, etc. some things i'm not entirely satisfied with yet but i'm more interested in what i will do in the future than how i could fix things in the past.

100. what belief do you have that isn't logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

fear of animals. i think this question is more asking about spirituality but i am not a spiritual person so instead you get this <33 i am convinced that every wasp and dog and animal in the universe wants me dead. no i will not explain why. i am afraid

thank you again for sending these in!! i love a chance to get deep on main