#i feel like i'd miss a Lot of stuff if i don't at least lurk around over there

[twosetmeridian]

probably gonna sound extremely pathetic, but, aside from a few strongly-worded (/pos) DMs from some associates asking about reinstating my twitter account, i've been worrying that maybe i really should reinstate it if only to follow news and updates of twoset's world tour 😅 a conundrum

[jji-lee]

comfort food might have been a bit of an exaggeration, looking down at your sonny angel collectable bowls filled with ramen, you really wish you had chosen a better pair of words to describe this meal. nevertheless, you figured even something this small would cheer donghyuck up.

his low mood had radiated from the messages he had sent before, but seeing him now at your doorstep, you really got to see how devastated he was over the shop closing

"hey, sorry i'm a little late, i didn't mean to keep you waiting."

his tone was soft, a light pout adorning his lips.

"it's okay, the food's still warm we can eat now if you want."

he followed you to your kitchen, remembering the last time he was here. somehow just coming into your home made him feel just the tiniest bit better. he chuckled at the sight of your comfort food.

"nothing says comfort food like noodles in an angel baby bowl."

you blushed at his comment, you should've just used your regular bowls. as you both sat down and began to eat you couldn't help but keep looking over at donghyuck. you'd never seen him like this before, he always had a glow to him you couldn't quite describe, but now he looked pale, almost sickly.

"soooo, do you wanna talk about whatever's troubling you? you don't have to, but i did say i would help you, so this is me offering my help."

"i don't even know where to begin to be honest."

you smiled at him, that smile he loves so much.

"start wherever you like. i have all night, i'm all ears i promise"

"well, this all started back when my parents were in college. the business idea for the flower shop was something they had always dreamed of. my mom studied botany and my dad studied finance at the time. once they both graduated they finally decided to make the flower shop official, but my mom didn't want to open it until she found the perfect name. that's when i was born, my mom said that when she first held me i was glowing like the sun, i think it was the hospital lights to be honest,"

he stopped for a moment to listen to you soft laugh,

"but anyways, for that she nicknamed me haechan or full sun, so i guess she used it as inspiration along with some other stuff to name her flower shop."

he ducked his head a little, suddenly feeling silly for confessing all of this to you,

"from there everything was going smoothly, but when i started college my mom got really sick. she passed away not long after she had been diagnosed, and that just completely broke my dad."

he looked up to find you staring at him with warm eyes, did you really care that much about his story?

"so from there my dad started to hate everything that reminded him of my mom, especially the shop, he wanted to throw the whole business away but i begged him to keep it. i promised him that i'd run the shop, he wanted me to study medicine so he took a bit of convincing but he finally agreed, on the terms that i'd make a certain amount every month, he said if i can't learn medicine i might as well learn business. and i guess i didn't meet the quota for last month."

he chuckled nervously hoping to lighten the mood a bit,

"so yeah that's pretty much it, i'm doing this to keep my mom's idea alive and just waiting for my dad to come around and accept that he just misses her. sorry i know that's a lot."

you shook you head bringing your hands up to stop him,

"no no of course not, thank you for telling me. i mean at least i know where you get your stubborn attitude from now."

you both laughed, warmth spreading on both of your cheeks, he wishes he could kiss you right now.

"do you wanna stay the night, maybe, only if you want! it's kinda late and you never know what's lurking on campus, i have a pull out sofa bed?"

did you really just ask him that? like he'd really say yes to-

"uh sure, if that's okay with you, thanks, you don't know how much this all means to me."

you smiled to yourself hoping he didn't notice (of course he did your cheeks are bright red).

"that's what friends are for, right, haechan?"

he smiled at the use of his nickname,

"right y/n."

blooming hearts — 19. wakey wakey eggs and bakey

previous — masterlist — next

notes : issue not resolved just yet, but at least haechan and y/n are happy and flirting 🫨🫨🫨

taglist : @nanaxwi , @swee7dream , @mwahaechz , @jenocity23 , @nctrawberries , @seunghancore , @minkyuncutie , @taeeflwrr , @starwonb1n , @mystverse , @jising-jisang-jisung , @beommii , @sunghoonsgfreal , @starfilledgaze , @loveholicness , @theandypark

[50shadesofoctarine]

Why you should write that AO3 comment:

Hello! I am an AO3 author and professional fandom dipshit. This is an "essay" on why you should leave that comment on the fanfic you just read.

Table of Contents:

"Commenting is too much effort!"

"I don't know what to write!"

Do you want more fanfic?

Fan creators are human beings, not AI content generators.

You can count it as charity work on your metaphysical taxes.

"Commenting is too much effort!"

Yes, writing a comment takes energy. I'm an introvert, I get that. I have two counter arguments to this point.

AO3 comments are not the SAT:

This is a comment from my latest fic, Quantum Entangled.

Three words and a heart. It requires zero consideration, it isn't specific to the fic, it's something you could copy-paste, even. A comment like this is better than nothing. I'll let my reply from AO3 explain why:

"You know what, I appreciate this way more than you'd probably expect. The temptation to lurk is a strong one, both for social anxiety reasons and internet content-consumption culture reasons. But when people lurk, I can't tell that they've enjoyed the story. The more people that lurk instead of interacting, the more I assume that my work wasn't good enough, irrespective of the reader's actual feelings. So this was a very welcome comment to read. Thank you for indicating your enjoyment. I will endeavour to write more stuff for you to lurk on in the future. :)"

A comment like this, one that is as thoughtless and low effort as possible, is still a comment. Something that denotes a reader's interest. Because, and I can't be clear enough about this, I HAVE NO OTHER WAY OF KNOWING THAT YOU LIKED IT. Kudos and comments are my only window into the reader's experience.

Sure, I'd love more detailed and thorough comments on my work, but, if that expectation is the thing that's going to stop you from commenting at all, I'd prefer the bland copy-paste appreciation.

Onto my second argument.

Do you know what also takes effort? WRITING THE DAMN FIC:

You do not get to complain about being forced to type a congratulatory handful of words after reading that 200k slow-burn fantasy au. Do you know how many hours went into that thing? Do you? Because I can guarantee that it was A LOT. All that writers are asking for is a single emoji. A kudos, at the very least. Consider the effort that went into the creation that you've just experienced and give just a thimble full of it back.

Authors lay out a feast for you to devour. They're only requesting a "thank you".

"I don't know what to write!"

Like in the previous example, an AO3 comment can be as simple as three words saying that you appreciated it. Just an acknowledgement that you were there. It doesn't have to be fancy.

But if you want fancy...?

Here's one of my comments, from Tishae's Better Together.

Let me break it down for you.

"Stunning. This au is so well developed. I love how you managed to maintain tension after the point that they discover that their feelings are requited. This was brilliantly paced, and the action (esp the ending) was so engaging."

The comment opens with appreciation. (Think of it as a sandwich with love as the bread. It starts and ends with my enjoyment.)

There are specific details about what I liked.

"If I may ask, what was the crime that the Metatron committed? Maybe I'm bad at reading between the lines or maybe I missed something, but I'm really curious as to what dirt they have on him. Victimless? Bad enough for imprisonment, but not so morally reprehensible as to make Anathema reveal it? Did he embezzle? That's all I can really think of."

Continues with a specific question about the story and plot.

Shows that I was critically engaged and actively considering the story.

You don't have to have questions about every fic that you read, but don't be afraid to ask them if you do. I love it when people ask me about my work.

"Thank you for the delicious food. I honestly thought that you were going to have Crowley's final look be something in grey (black and white being the theme of the show, metaphorically representing separation/binary, so Aziraphale was uncomfortable with it due to the implications. Grey, symbolising unity/shades of grey as an idiom, would then be the biggest middle finger to the Metatron) but I do really like what you came up with."

Gratitude.

Thoughts about how I read the plot. (This is something I particularly love to read as an author. Please tell me what's going on in that funky lil' brain of yours!!)

"I'm hoping this comment provides plenty of dopamine. If the task activation and instant gratification parts of your brain light up, you might be more likely to write GO content again. Love your work, thanks for sharing it. I hope you gain 3 inches of metaphorical dick length. Please keep writing."

Encouragement to keep writing. (This is the best way to ensure that creators remain in the fandom)

A funny comment to sign off.

Now that you know what to comment, let's start on the real reasons why you should.

Do you want more fanfic?

Fun fact! Fanfictious Authoria are a species that sustain themselves entirely on a diet of brain worms, unfinished WIPs, and kudos. As one of the three fundamental food groups, removing kudos from the fandom ecosystem causes a complete collapse of the natural order. In times of unprecedented scarcity, entire populations of Fanfictious Authoria can die out completely. This means that the production of fanfiction, in that particular region of fandom, stops entirely, often causing major ecological damage, and the subsequent deaths of fan species in the same genus. (Like the Fanfictious Artia, or the Fanfictious Editour, both of which subsist on fanfiction based diets to survive.)

In conservation efforts, experts are imploring readers to donate kudos and comments toward any fandom region that they want to stay alive.

But I digress.

When I want more content, I tell the author. Ask and you shall receive; it's the best way to convince an author/artist to make more.

My comment on @mrghostrat's And They Were Streamers

You liked it? Then COMMENT! Not for the author's sake, but for your own. You want to see the ending of a WIP? Well, it'd be a terrible shame if the author gave up on it because they thought no one was reading... They don't know that you enjoy their work until you TELL THEM. They're not psychic, you have to help them hear you. Commenting on the things you like influences the creators of said things to attribute the act of making content (and, notably, making the type of content that specifically appeals to you) with the dopamine hit of reading your reaction. Treat them like Pavlov's dogs. Ring the kudos-bell.

Fan creators are human beings, not AI content generators.

They have real human feelings and real human egos. The contemporary attitude towards media engagement is skewed towards algorithmic, instant, and uncritical consumption. This is pumping straight gasoline into the beautiful lakes of our fandom ecosystem. Fandom cannot afford to treat its creators like mechanical text generators. We are not an unfeeling assembly line, only there to produce content. We are enthusiasts, engaging in our hobby. No fan creator has to show you anything. They are fully within their rights to keep their works hidden in their computer files, never to see the light of day. Every fanfic on AO3 is only there because someone had the grace to share it with you. You are not entitled to an author's work, just as they are not entitled to your kudos. We have a mutually beneficial arrangement. Do not forget your part in this symbiosis.

It's a problem that extends beyond AO3. Tumblr is a less enthusiastic place than it used to be. Fandom as a whole is drifting towards a consumption mindset. I, for one, am sick of it. Reblog things, like them, share them. Make fanart of fanart. Who gives a shit? Do the cringy thing. You don't have to cultivate your blog aesthetic. Be who you are, like what you like, and have enthusiasm about all of it. Fandom should be an expression of radical self acceptance. Embrace it. Leave essays about fics that you liked. Reblog the essays of other's when you see them. Exist in the mutual joy of seeing and being seen. You are not just an external observer, absorbing content from a distance. You are here too. Wave back at us. Say 'hi.'

You can count it as charity work on your metaphysical taxes.

My final appeal is a moral one.

Commenting on AO3 is just a kind thing to do.

You are your actions. Are you the kind of person who does the kind thing when no one is watching? When no one will care?

Fanfiction is a hobby, and I'm not here to guilt you about how you spend your leisure time. I'm only here to say that there is a kindness you could be giving the world.

If you are one of the people that performs this kindness, I thank you.

[stoopid-turtle]

hello... 😅 uhm, first of all, i truly am sorry in advance for being awkward 😭 but for once i decided not to let my awkwardness keep me from sharing (what i think/hope are) positive thoughts with a stranger on the internet, so here i am.

i'm not around much and legit only made this acc bc like you i'm a late bloomer here and needed as many outlets for my yizhan/wangxian obsession as i could get my greedy hands on, in the big year of 2023... sigh. anyway, as an avid lover of meta/analysis posts since my early fandom days began around 15 (oof 🥲) years ago, finding your acc was such a lovely surprise. i agree with your views a LOT, and really appreciate how eloquent and well-written your posts are! even more so bc there's a lot i still don't know and most of the time the source material is very hard to reach and/or understand due to the language barrier, so having other turtles to rely on to access those, even if filtered by their own biases/opinions, is wonderful. besides, such input coming from a new fan is also comforting and imo refreshing, juxtaposed with that of older fans... it keeps the fandom alive and all that jazz. it's also very brave given how ruthless some folks can be on the internet, and on this corner in particular 😮‍💨 it just felt like reading my own thoughts written by someone else sometimes. i gasped and nodded at your posts soooo many times djskdjdj thank you for that!

(btw you followed me back the other day and i legit fangirled irl bc ??? whatttttt 😅 i still think it was an accident but okay omg djskdjdj AHEM. sorry)

then today i logged in and read your recent posts feeling squeamish about sharing more thoughts and as much as i 100% relate to you saying that kind of attention makes you anxious, i just... idk, i had to let you know i enjoy everything you post, even though adult life has kept me from being able to read it all so far. i understand you stepping back and i respect that decision, i'm not by any means asking you to go against what you know is best for you. at the same time, i can't help but hope you'll still show up every now and then bc your posts will be missed 🥲 i guess the whole motivation behind this is that it just made me sad to think your valuable insights will be something i'm yet again late to, if that makes sense?

djskdjdj again, i'm so sorry for being awkward and weird and dropping all of this on your inbox unprovoked. you don't have to reply (or read this AT ALL omg 😭😭), in fact i'm so embarrassed by this that you'd probably have to reach me through inquiry lmaooo 💀 anyway, have a great life, thank you so much for the great job, bjyxszd etc ❤️💚💛

Oh, don't be anxious! I'm really not a big deal.

Thank you for dropping into my inbox! I love hearing from other turtles, especially relative newbies, like myself! One of my fav parts of coming out of lurking mode is getting to talk to other people. I kinda follow back anybody who follows me, cause it seems polite? I don't know tumblr etiquette. I just follow the tags when I get the chance.

I appreciate the encouragement! I try to avoid dramatics, so I'm sorry for the upset last week. The situation is largely resolved, and I am feeling more okay. I kinda backed off because I wasn't sure of my footing here in fandom as compared to others, especially as I do think I have some takes that fall outside fandom consensus. Again, I don't mean to rock any boats and I'm not invested in convincing anybody that they should have the same opinions as I do. Hearing from turtles who do want me to continue posting gave me some more confidence there.

So, yeah, I expect I'll post some more as I have time. I'd like to post more on dd (cause he's my fav). I'd also like to try to figure out gg cause that dude is so confusing to me. I do have RL stuff going on, and I don't have the time to be super-active outside of occasional posts. But I'd like keep posting stuff. At least until I get all my Yizhan thoughts out.

[futurefind]

Hiatus Announcement

//I've alluded to it before but now I'm actually verbalizing it so!! Hiatus announcement be upon ye!! More specifically, a 'pseudo' hiatus, where I'll basically be putting entire blog on 'request only'— I'll prob keep lurking, likely keep posting About my blorbos, absolutely keep any threads, but... Gestures.

Tl;dr, because I'm not good about talking About feelings, and to try and talk about it would make me feel like I'm guilt tripping etc etc: I'm extremely low spoons, and about as low confidence, so I don't have the energy to be proactive and 100% initiate like... anything.

And it'd feel misleading to say 'oh I'm not on hiatus :)' as if I'm on full activity when I'm... not!

If you initiate stuff I'll return the favor and babble back, up to and including just asking me to do xyz (blorbo babbles, inbox raiding, etc)!!

(Edit/PS: As always my discord's available to moots, @/nethernor_i, but since I'll be lurking tumblr IMs also work as usual!!)

(Edit 8.4.24: Just to state the obvious for obvious's sake, again: PLEASE INITIATE/DM/ETC if you want anything!! When I say request only I mean it and so outside of that I'm gonna presume you're not keen on me / us doing anything.)

EDIT / UPDATE (8.7)

I said I wasn't gonna talk about the why's of my hiatus but I can't stop thinking about it and it's not not relevant to share even if it can't be helped so: that'll be below the cut since it's insecurity / vent / negative adjacent :')

Tl;dr, though: I don't feel comfortable here on tumblr anymore and that's what's impacting my activity / presence / confidence / etc, not just universally low spoons across the board. When I came back it was for sake networking for rp and making friends Through rp, but at current it's fizzled out and i'm much more comfortable focusing on private rp / rp groups than on here

(But if we have preexisting threads on here I won't drop them, juuuuust don't be afraid to add & poke me on discord to lmk when you've replied<3)

(again, this is below the cut for vent/negative/insecurity reasons, so if youre not up for that dwai) - any further Regular updates will be put above this section lol

idk I feel the simplest and most 'objective' way to put it is that my intent of 'keep dash tiny and small and palatable to prevent getting overwhelmed' is severely biting me in the ass bc it leads to extremely like... disproportionate? desires of activity??? where I'm looking to get lots of activity from (for example), like, ~5 people, but they are both not looking for turbo activity with me specifically and have interactions with 20+ people they're looking to keep up with (if, not necessarily, wrt longform rp) — on top of all the once-very-active moots that have dipped off into the void entirely, not just wrt ~our rp~

and like... subjectively??? i have like no sense of relationship decay, but exponentially horrific emotional permanence (the thing that lets you know you're cared about even when ppl are not directly talking to you or the like), and combined with the negative feedback loop of 'low confidence -> low activity -> less confidence bc less activity ->->' ???

it creates a very very Not Fun mix that makes me feel alone and lonely, like i'd be ignored even screaming in a crowded room, and feeling like what interactions i Do get are moreso an after thought or pity rather than reciprocated enthusiasm.

and its like. idk. it feels like law of diminishing returns but also w at least five secret spices of guilt about it—whether it's because i'm not 'trying hard enough' to 'earn' the 'attention', or because i'm 'blaming' ppl for the completely lighthearted nbd act of just... not making me a 'favorite' and making me feel 'entitled/spoiled' for just missing people

[bistaxx]

Actually I don't think I'm gonna publish that post afterall, half cuz I don't wanna rewrite it and half cuz judging by the posts I've seen a lot of people have already said what I was going to anyway- so here's a condensed version- and this is mostly just me getting some stuff out of my system tbh lol

I still really do not get why the server didn't close down for longer/do a hiatus, it just genuinely seemed like the most logical solution from every angle: a financial one, a burn-out one, a reconstruction one, and to strengthen credibility and trust- instead they just kept things going again as soon as they could and it just felt so careless and so cruel to the employees who'd been let go with no explanation or those left in limbo unsure if they still even had a job or not. It also was just not fun at all watching a server that felt like a soulless zombie-shell of it's former self.

I get needing to let go of the egg admins- I'd much rather say goodbye then have them strung along underpaid/not paid at all solely because fan loves them and they rake in views.

That said I wish the goodbye streams were better planned and it's a bitter feeling knowing some of the eggs won't ever get to say goodbye

Somewhat related to above, what Cherry (Em's admin) said on stream REALLY does not give me any hope that this new team will be any better then the last- At the very least I'm glad Cherry has the other former admins and Bagi there to support her.

same goes for the twitter translators who were canned and replaced with AI- like I can get those teams being cut because those roles were imo a LOT to ask out of an employee and not sustainable- it's the way they went about it that leaves an extremely sour taste in my mouth and makes me worry that there could be more fired employees who were treated similarly.

I still really do not know how to feel about the reset especially since we don't know anything about it- Common thought seems to be it is happening on the 24th which like...first of all why is this happening so soon why are you so obsessed with rushing back into things stop it- second of all... I just don't know if I feel comfortable sticking around for it cuz like I said above right now I don't feel like I can trust this new team not to repeat the same shit the past one did (and I'll most likely miss it anyway since I work that day of fucking course LOL)

I don't hate this project, I don't want to root for it's failure, I don't want it all to fall apart- I wanted it to get better- I'm critical of it because I wanted it to be better for everyone. I'm beyond devastated with how this turned out, all the wasted potential from every angle just eats me up inside, I truly thought things were going to get better. A naive hurt part of me is always gonna wish that things do get better and maybe somehow the stories I loved so dearly will somehow come back... but that is such copium lmao

I'm probably still gonna lurk around because I love the community on here and because I am morbidly curious to see what they're gonna do with this project next... I don't think I'll watch personally, but I'll keep up with the liveblogs. I stopped my queue awhile back cuz I felt so bad about the server and everything, but I'm gonna reopen it soon. Even though I still feel too bitter rn to look back on it all fondly I still want to support a talented resilient community that deserved better.

I wish I could feel better about it all, but I'm not gonna waste time getting my hopes up.

[quietgalcoasterss]

My Rides on Kingda Ka

As of right now, I've ridden Kingda Ka at Great Adventure 3 times. I love this thing to death, even if she breaks down a fair amount. But I like to think that she just gets nervous when big crowds come in and the ride ops have to give her a bit to calm down before working again. You go girl :p

Before I discuss my rides on Kingda, lemme tell you about the time I just missed it. It was the first trip I went on this past summer with my dad, in which I got over my coaster fear for good. I was intentionally saving Kingda Ka for last, as I saw her as the most thrilling ride in the park. I had just gotten off El Toro, and figured Kingda was next on the list. We walked over to the Golden Kingdom, and at the time we did not know about the pathway between the Golden Kingdom and Plaza del Carnival, making back-to-back rides on Toro and Kingda way easier. So we ended up walking all around the park, unsurprisingly exhausting us.

As we made the voyage over, seeing Kingda lurking in the distance unsurprisingly excited me and gave me butterflies in my stomach. She be a big coaster; Great Adventure locals will understand how it feels to not only see her rising far out of the tree line during the drive, but being able to get up close in the parking lot. And Kingda Ka is LOUD: you can't hear it throughout the park since there's a lotta coasters that make some noise (Nitro, Superman Ultimate Flight, Medusa, El Toro etc), but when you're up close to her she roars. Fortunately, I'd been seeing trains go over the top hat all day-especially in the loooong line of Superman-so I knew she wasn't closed for the day.

We finally arrived at the entrance. Kingda Ka stood reaching into the sky. It was a particularly cloudy day. I handed my stuff over to my dad, raced for the gate, and...

she was closed for maintenance.

At this point, my dad and I were both too exhausted to wait around for her to come back online, so we decided to just head back over to Medusa so I could get one last ride on her. And hey, Medusa's a solid floorless coaster: smooth as glass and really nice colors for brownie points. But lemme tell you how I felt as we got back into the car, and sure enough a train was going over Kingda Ka's top hat. I guess I would have been bitter, but I was tired, thirsty and I still had an awesome day in the end, even if I missed out on the tallest coaster in the world. But I would be back soon. Very soon.

Few weeks later, I was back in Great Adventure, just a few days before I would leave for college. But I wasn't just here to have a fun day. I was here to conquer Kingda Ka for good. But first I warmed up with a ride on Medusa. Weeeeeeeee :3 \o/

Once I got off, I immediately gunned for Kingda Ka. Sure enough, she was closed yet again for maintenance. But I wasn't leaving: I put my stuff in a locker and I got comfy outside the gated-off entrance. I don't know how long I waited, maybe around 15 minutes, but I kept myself busy by listening to the staff tell people coming by that she's not sure when the ride will reopen. I do wish there were at least some benches nearby the entrance; Kingda goes down a lot, so it'd be neat to have to seat on the ground or lean against the fence. Not an earth-shattering issue though, just something you notice while you're waiting for a roller coaster to reopen in 85 F and 80% humidity with no idea of how long you've been waiting. You think some crazy stuff man.

Finally, the staff member got the all-clear from the station, and the chain was lifted. I zoomed into the queue, and fortunately there was almost no line. As far as I'm aware, Kingda Ka's queue seems to work in two parts. The first spans from the entrance and throughout much of the zig-zaggy barriers, while the second goes from the end of the last zig-zags to the station. I'm guessing that ride ops only want a certain amount of people in the station at a time, just in case Kingda goes down and they don't want crowds of people waiting around. So once the station starts to empty, they tell the ops dividing the queue to let more folks in. The first half was pretty much completely empty, and I ran all the way to the station. And lemme tell you, the ride ops operating Kingda Ka that day were stellar. I know Six Flags ops have a reputation for being pretty lazy, but that is not the case for Great Adventure. So far through my two recent visits, I don't think I've ever seen an objectively bad or even lazy crew operating a ride. I guess if I had to pick one that was bad, I guess it would be Green Lantern, since they seemed a little more bored than usual. But even then, they weren't half-assing or anything, they were still very much on top of things. And Kingda Ka's crew on that day was perhaps the best example of all. Whenever a train pulled back into the station, they began encouraging people to quickly unbuckle and prepare to get out and going to not stall the line. But they weren't forceful or rude: they had this perfect blend of strong encouragement and energy that got the next batch of riders hyped. It was awesome. I really hope that Great Adventure keeps up what they're doing with their ops, it makes me so happy seeing my home park doing so well in regards that their company is known to lack in.

Finally, I got into my seat and lowered my restraints: row 3, left seat. And lemme tell you, I was getting nervous. My coaster fear might have been slain, but that did not stop the anxiety over riding a hydraulic launch coaster. The train left the station, and stopped over the catch car. Staring at Kingda Ka's top hat from the parking lot is one thing. Staring down the top hat while in a train is a whoooooole other thing. Even now, having gone over it 3 times, I still get antsy over just the anticipation. A number like 456 feet (139 meters) can feel not as large when comparing tall coasters. And I know, Kingda's currently the tallest in the world. But in a world full of Top Thrill 2's, Intimidator 305's, Red Force's and Fury 325's, that number can still become numb, even if it's still the tallest. But when you're actually facing it down? It aaaaaaall comes back as to just how big a strata coaster really is. And it is scary. Fun, but scary.

I wasn't staring Kingda down for long, as my train ended up quickly hooking onto the catch car, followed by the brakes lowering. I wanna say that it's about 3 seconds from the loud click of the catch car to the launch slingshotting you off. But it somehow feels like a thousand years and an instant at the same time. My point is: Kingda Ka is fast. And it feels fucking amazing. It feels AMAZING!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!! I MUST'VE BEEN GIGGLING FOR LIKE 2 MINUTES STRAIGHT AFTER GETTING OFF AND I TOLD MY FRIENDS OVER DISCORD JUST HOW AWESOME IT WAS AND IT SURPASSED MY EXPECTATIONS SO MUCH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE KINGDA KA SO MUCH!!!! AND IT'S SMOOTH!!!! IT ISN'T GLASS SMOOTH BUT IT IS SURE AS HELL NOT CLOSE TO BUMPY OR RATTLEY OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT!!! WHY DO THOOSIES SAY KINGDA KA IS ROUGH???? I DON'T GET IT!!!! DO THEY HATE FUN???

So yea Kingda Ka is awesome :3 But I wasn't done with her just yet for that day. After hopping off I got some rides on Superman, Nitro, Jersey Devil and of course several on El Toro. The bull demands my soul and I shall answer. I am the bull's servant. But then I was feeling some more Kingda Ka. And sure enough, I now knew about the pathway between Golden Kingdom and Plaza del Carnival, so it was a way shorter walk. And hey, turns out Great Adventure has a few animal exhibits along the path. That was neat seeing some turtles :>

Fortunately, Kingda had been operating pretty smoothly all day. Unfortunately, that meant a line had formed. I think while waiting in line she also briefly went down as well, but you can't win all of em lol. So I ended up sitting in queue for a while. But we all knew that she was awake yet again once we heard trains firing off through the bamboo, and sure enough the line started moving again. It was while I was approaching the station that after hearing another train firing off, and I saw this girl look at her friend next to her with an expression of "how did you convince me to get in this line what is wrong with you".

Also can I just say that I love how you can hear Kingda Ka's launches through the bamboo, but you can't see it all too well? It's so cooooooooool. I know it's not the same as what OG Top Thrill Dragster did with the bleachers, lights and audio, but it's still so neat. I love little details like that: it makes Kingda feel like she's part of the bamboo forest. Even if you can see it all from the parking lot but it is what it is lol.

I sat in the same seat and row as before; it's just a nice seat. Not front row but still up close to the front. Ride was just as amazing as before, but after I got off something timely happened. As I was exiting the station and returning to the entrance, it started to rain. When it rains, the ride ops close Kingda Ka until the storm passes, since it's apparently pretty painful going that high up in the rain. So imagine my face when only a minute or so after I went over the top hat, they had to close Kingda lmfao.

I waited out the rain by grabbing some fries, albeit I still got a little wet and I forgot my rain jacket. Once the storm passed, Nitro and Medusa both unfortunately closed for maintenance: Nitro for presumably something caused by the rain, and Medusa for issues with one of the trains. But hey it wasn't a big loss: I got another ride on El Toro :3

But I figured to end the day with one last ride on Kingda Ka. The line was a little better from last time, and I sat in the same row. But another single rider asked if he could have the left seat, which I was fine with. And y'know what this man did? He put his hands up on the launch. I'm more than fine with putting my arms up on most coasters. I'm looking at you Nitro :>. But Kingda Ka's launch? Hell nah. After going over the top hat then sure hell yea. But even the ride itself tells you "Arms down. Head back. Hold on!" right before the launch. Apparently the wind hurts with your arms up at a speed like that! So yea, god bless that man's soul, hope his arm's are ok too.

So as of right now, those are my 3 rides on Kingda Ka. I love this beast to death, and I hope Great Adventure keeps her hydraulic launch for as long as possible. What happened to that guest with Top Thrill Dragster was tragic, and hopefully something like that never happens again. And hell, I'm pumped af for Top Thrill 2, it looks amazing. But what Kingda Ka does is special. It might not be the only hydraulic launch coaster in the world, but it is now the only remaining hydraulic launch strata coaster. And Intamin doesn't manufacture the hydraulic launch anymore on account of its inefficiency and cost. So for now, stay strong Kingda, you deserve just as much love as OG TTD did in its heyday. And next time, I'll go front row :>

[putschki1969]

Hello! I've been following you for some time now and kind of just lurking but I cannot stress enough how helpful you've been in navigating through Kalafina content and how much work you put in for these girls. Seriously thank you so much!

I tried looking through your blog if you had written anything about learning Japanese, I feel like at one point you discussed it but I was not able to find it. If I missed something, feel free to link me straight to where you spoke about it. I just wanted to ask about your journey with that, like was anything particularly helpful and what exercises you did (if you used any). I'm mostly asking as one of my resolutions was to (finally) start learning Japanese but it is quite difficult learning a language nobody around me really speaks :/

Thank you for everything you do!

Hello there lovely anon! Thank you for the kind message!

Yup, I did in fact reply to a similar question in the past. It's been about two years so it's not like I expect anyone to remember that. Thankfully, I tagged the reply with #japanese studies so I was able to find it pretty quickly. HERE's the old post.

As mentioned in that post, I learned all of my Japanese during my bachelor's program in Japanese Studies. However, that's not something I'd recommend to most people because the program is very research heavy at most universities. If you are not into that, you will suffer and waste your time.

It was quite easy for me to pick up the Japanese language in terms of grammar, vocabulary, kanji etc so I can't really give you tips on that other than to memorise that stuff by heart. At uni I was forced to learn everything in a relatively short amount of time so it really helped me to expand my knowledge quickly. Right after I graduated, I was at a really high level (at least in "theory"). I still can't really speak Japanese though since I don't interact with any Japanese speakers. Throughout the years, my Japanese has gotten considerably worse since I rarely use it in an active manner. Yes, I consume a lot of Japanese media, read quite a bit and obviously do some translations but let's be real here, there are a ton of digital translation tools that make life so much easier for you but heavily contribute to you forgetting vocabulary and kanji.

I'd personally try using an app like Duolingo or HiNative. Find some people on YouTube who offer free Japanese classes such as @Akane-JapaneseClass. And really make an effort to consume as much Japanese media as possible (in Japanese of course).

[lamonnaie]

hi!! gmmtv anon again :)

it feels like they’re trying to catch up with all of their delayed stuff, which is good for them and for us ig. they’re already filming two of the announced shows, and phuwin said they are gonna start filming we are pretty soon - they have three q’s for wednesday club left and filming for we are should start soonish after he’s done with that. also, the interest has already been filmed i think. same goes for my precious which is apparently just a longer version of the movie from what i’ve gathered.

and i just saw that they dropped the wednesday club trailer which is supposed to start airing at the beginning of november (sidenote: i love how they air two eps a week for a lot of their het shows lmao). 23.5 is definitely gonna air in 2024 but we already knew that. cooking crush and last twilight might take over the slote of dangerous romance and only friends. so that would be another two unaired gmm23 shows out of the way.

pls fk also had me fooled. mostly bc they said they were gonna go on stage together and i mean they didn’t lie but damn was i disappointed when it was only for school rangers and the LOL announcement lol.

pond definitely said he was gonna focus on school next year, but idk about joong. i would love for him to do at least another show, preferably with dunk 🤡, since i don’t think he’ll play a huge part in ploy’s yearbook and his arc looks to be a adoptive siblings falling in love with each other story which i’m personally not a fan of.

i’m also very bad at predicitions but i think it’s mostly because i’m heavily biased when it comes to my faves 😭.

oh reddit is on another level fr. i saw the jossgawin rumor and was like oh that would be fun but never in a million years would i have expected them to actually pair them upx and don’t even get me started on the greatinn thing bc i read that post and was like 👁️👄👁️ when i was done

helloo :)

okay when u put it like that, it seems that they're not going too bad for scheduling so far (i'm so glad). wednesday club !!! absolute missed opportunity to not be airing it on wednesdays smh

also i find it so funny that taynew offgun got 2 new shows when their 2023 ones haven't even aired yet 😂😭 gmm rlly said 💲capitalism💲, they know there's a guaranteed audience there so they went for it lmao

WAIT WHAT i did not know it was a stepsiblings story 😭😭 i've seen plenty of that in taiwan, was not expecting gmm to go there hajskdjf. i definitely want more joongdunk, but i also wanna see joong in another het role because he was great in the warp effect (also i just like seeing people outside of their established cps :)) also joylada gang show when?? i wanna see the 4 of them act together so bad 😩😩 it could be the worst show ever and i'd STILL tune in

also its interesting that there were so many rookies cast in shows this time around, i don't think it's usually this many?

that's so real about ur favs tho, if u ask me to make predictions about any het series i will NOT have a clue lmao

honestly half convinced someone on reddit works at gmm at this point, i'm gonna lurk on there for a bit before the next part of announcements and i bet there'll be a guaranteed bingo on my bingo card 😆

[rinisbowen]

so much has come out in the past 24 hours. i need your thoughts!!!

no because anon SO MUCH has come out in the past 24 hours literally... in the last few days too lowkey but especially just- today in general oh my goodness. tumblr's harder bc i feel like i need to be coherent to post here instead of just a dumb sentence like i'd put on twitter... but oh gosh i have so many thoughts... if anyone wants me to talk about something specific though feel free to ask about it specifically

y'all probably already saw my post about nini- she's definitely coming to see frozen in 308, and she's with either val or miss jenn (probably miss jenn just due to y'know- the context of her other scene being with miss jenn, but i mean the hair is similar so i can't say 100%.)

something i noticed with val in the featurette today- she's the one casting the musical, we see her in that one where she looks up kinda like- stay away... she's taking notes but she's also got all those audition sheets in front of her (recognizable due to the polaroids maddox takes of the campers for auditions, and the sheet we see of ricky's on val's clipboard when he's auditioning). we see ej sort of running auditions... so maybe he steps back a bit when he realizes he can't be impartial. or maybe he gets scared bc the pressure and she takes over for that part. i think regardless- this is a good call to have her be the one to pick the roles. it removes the nepotism question.

ej and gina are potentially singing a duet... quite awkwardly as it appears, but they are singing one all the same. i'm on the 'love is an open door' team- bc my money is on jet being the camper that goes missing, and if jet is cast as hans due to his incredible voice, well- maybe ej fills in for him. this duet looking moment goes on in the episode that a camper goes missing so... it would make a lot of sense.

ricky's SONG !!! i love it. you can absolutely tell josh wrote it and it's so good. i'm so excited it's in the first episode because oh my goodness it's so good and i'm glad we don't have to wait much longer. curious to see if maybe josh sings it on the mtv thing he's going on tomorrow. not trying to get my hopes up but... could be cool.

ricky and gina's little moment in that commercial break trailer that played during live with kelly and ryan... well that was a moment for sure when i saw that version of the trailer come on... the hat is giving costume, likely for kristoff, and it's quite likely that they're rehearsing for one of the broadway frozen numbers... given we've had confirmed by josh that there will be at least one they do this season. val is also lurking in the corner it looks like- i'd anticipate this is maybe from 305 aka the campers of shallow lake (hard to say it'd be any of the later ones, but we know pretty certainly it's not 301-304 due to clothing, and tbh especially with val being back there in the corner.. i think it will be. whether this is a staged moment or a resulting consequence of one... that perhaps looks and feels more real than it was meant to... should be interesting.

ummmm... i'm blanking on what else i wanted to bring up. but yeah lots of new stuff. lmk if you've got anything you want to see me discuss

[bookofmirth]

Hey, I don't want to post this to get dragged and for some reason I feel like you'll get me.

Idk if you've heard about the maastastic Patreon, but i checked and there's 5 levels, most of the benefits are early access to the podcasts and merch discounts, access to a Discord server, and getting to submit questions to Sjm, which I think it's cool. Now, for level 4 and 5 (30 and 50 Usd I think?) they also offer exclusive podcast episodes featuring Sjm that won't be shared publicly. Honestly, I don't know if this is a great idea. As fans we barely get to see/listen to Sjm and I get the feeling that since she will show up there, the public ig lives will happen less often.

If they were to ask about Sjm's current reads or music she listens to or random stuff I'd be cool with it, but it's pretty likely they'll discuss her books and maybe (without giving too much away) hint at new releases.

I'm a broke college student, and many of the fans are too probably, If I could spare 50 bucks a month I'd buy books instead of borrowing from the library.

So yeah, I don't know what to make of this, and this isn't even a fuck capitalism! situation because maastastic is obviously not doing this for the money, they have a Patreon just to support the podcast, and all the other benefits I'm okay with, but these exclusive interviews seem like a bad decision.

Enough ranting, what do you think? xx

I do get you! 100%

I know about a lot of fandom drama and happenings from Discords and lurking other social media 👀 so I watched the story yesterday and the announcements and the reactions, and tl;dr is that I wouldn’t worry about missing any important content from the exclusive podcasts by not subscribing. By important content I mean book announcements or hints about future books etc. It would be shooting herself in the foot and they have a whole huge marketing team strategizing and such. You could see how, even in the recent lives she’s done, she was very uncomfortable making any statement that could be even slightly misconstrued. SJM seems much more likely to leave that to other people, or to at the very least let them guide her about what is okay to say and how.

You could make the same arguments for her exclusive book editions that had the feysand and Az short, but ya know what? We all got our hands on the info anyway. People outside the US literally didn’t have access to the Barnes and Noble edition, so... I don’t like how the book “economy” has become a place where special editions and merch are coveted and sold by third parties, but we also don’t *have* to participate in those aspects.

I think we’ve gotten spoiled with her events the past year or so because we used to *never* hear from sjm online. It’s been kinda nice, but even if the podcasts ending up having some exclusive content, it’s not going to be anything that changes the way we look at the books or characters. 

While I, personally, am not interested, I don’t judge people who want to subscribe to get that content. I hope that any theories or art or other ideas that are floating around the fandom that they either use or refer to are attributed appropriately, but that could be the composition teacher in me.

There is, to me, a weird thing where there are thousands of us online creating content for free and in our spare time and the only compensation we get is interaction. I’m personally of the mindset of, if I want a certain kind of content, I’ll make it myself. But it’s all a weird transformative works blurry lines thing and I don’t think I care enough to be bothered by it, especially if they aren’t profiting. I sure wouldn’t mind being compensated for the 500k of fanfic I’ve written, though 😅

idk I have a lot of very fuzzy thoughts about this and I hope it made sense!!

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 2 of 26

Title: Authority (The Southern Reach #2) (2014) - REREAD

Author: Jeff VanderMeer

Genre/Tags: Horror, Science Fiction, Ecological Horror, Cosmic Horror, Mystery, Weird, Third-Person, Unreliable Narrator

Rating: 8/10

Date Began: 1/05/2021

Date Finished: 1/10/2021

John "Control" Rodriguez, a disgraced former spy, is given an opportunity to redeem himself at the Southern Reach, the clandestine organization that oversees the mysterious and horrifying Area X. The director has gone missing following the disastrous "twelfth" expedition in Annihilation. Control is brought in to take over her job and fix the Southern Reach... and perhaps find a way to combat the insidious, paranormal effects of Area X.

But Control soon discovers just how deep Area X's corruption infects the place. Even worse, failures of the past-- both his own and those of the Southern Reach-- return to haunt him in disturbing ways. Badly outmatched within and without, Control will need to do everything he can to save not only the organization, but himself.

The last fragment of video remained in its own category: "Unassigned." Everyone was dead by then, except for an injured Lowry, already halfway back to the border.

Yet for a good twenty seconds the camera flew above the glimmering marsh reeds, the deep blue lakes, the ragged white cusp of the sea, toward the lighthouse.

Dipped and rose, fell again and soared again.

With what seemed like a horrifying enthusiasm.

An all-consuming joy.  

Full review, some spoilers, and content warning(s) under the cut.

Content warnings for the book: some body horror but way toned down compared to Annihilation. Mind control/hypnotic suggestion is still a thing. Non graphic sexual content. Disturbing images. Without spoiling the entire book, there are several scenes that come off as gaslighting, but do have an alternate explanation. As before, a pervasive sense of unreality.  

While Annihilation is a deep dive into the horrors of Area X, Authority takes a step back. It examines the situation from the perspective of the Southern Reach, the organization that oversees the expeditions we got to know so intimately in the last book. Control is a newcomer, so he functions as a natural outsider perspective. However, he's far from naïve due to his past experience in what I have to assume is the CIA (just called "Central" in the book). It's clear from the get-go that the Southern Reach is falling apart with its ancient buildings, circular and helpless theories, dwindling funding, and bizarre office politics. While Annihilation frames the Southern Reach as shady and possibly complicit in Area X's existence, Authority demonstrates the government would be predictably bad at handling an unknowable cosmic horror zone over any length of time.

Though I noted in my Annihilation review that most of the mystery surrounding Area X remains just that, Authority casually drops two major revelations in the first few chapters. First is... it's definitely aliens, right? Like, that's the only explanation that tracks-- why everything about the place is anathema to humanity, why it's impossible for characters to fully understand it, why mimicry is such a major aspect, etc. If you didn't suspect this already, it explains a lot. In particular, the "colonization" terminology and imagery in Annihilation hits different in that context. I have a lot of feelings about how this series approaches the extraterrestrial, but I'll save that for my Acceptance review.

The second reveal is that Control is taking over for the former director of the Southern Reach, who is MIA following Annihilation's "twelfth" expedition. Who is the director? The psychologist-- the pseudo antagonist of the last book, who we know got Super Killed Off. Turns out she's important and probably not actually evil? The biologist is also inexplicably back, but something is off about her, and she insists on being called Ghost Bird now. Did the biologist truly return (counter to the ending of the last book) or is this one of the shells Area X sometimes spits back out into the real world? If she's the latter, Ghost Bird seems to have much more personality and self awareness than the others. It is interesting to consider an entity of Area X would willingly name herself.

So, Authority is a weird book. The horror element is still present, but toned down. Instead, there's a lot of focus on the new character Control, his past, and the workings of the Southern Reach. In some ways this is refreshing. Annihilation (and the finale Acceptance) are so deeply entwined with Area X it's hard to see what "normal" looks like, and Authority brings that perspective. Relatively speaking. Second, and this is a spoiler, much of that normalcy is a facade. Control is basically mind controlled (heh) by a faction in Central, and is unaware of it for most of the book. It comes across in little ways, like the anachronistic storytelling and Control's confusion/disorientation at times.

We also learn that Area X doesn't just contaminate things inside it, but things outside it as well... and it's been doing this for some time. As a result, there's always a sense of Area X lurking in the periphery, manifesting in strange and unexpected ways. Something I like is the background chatter Control overhears being lines from Annihilation, which he isn't aware of, but the reader sure is.

I've read this book a few times, and while there are things I really like about it, it's probably my least favorite of the trilogy. I think the slower pacing and different narrative approach have merits, but just aren't as interesting to me as the rest of the series. It's noteworthy that my favorite bits in Authority are the disturbing video of the first expedition and the sudden End of Evangelion-esque return of Area X near the end-- not the espionage and philosophical tangents that comprise most of the book.  There are several ideas that seem interesting but don't go anywhere, and those feel like a waste of space. I think Authority could be pared down to half its page count and still get across the same feelings and general concept.

Control is also not the most interesting protagonist, especially compared to previous and later characters. He's not terrible, but he spends most of his time just thinking in circles and observing mundane office politics. While this is fine at first it starts to drag as the story goes on. As I said, a lot of tangents go nowhere, and there's not much going on beyond those until well over halfway into the book. Control does have a hidden tragic backstory, and it's interesting enough, but it barely factors into the overarching Area X storyline outside some symbolic comparisons. He feels out of place, perhaps intentionally.

I do like the dry humor and observations Control brings and how they contrast with the intense tone of Annihilation. I can also see the appeal of having a more ordinary character, if only to bring context to the extraordinary. But the problem is Control isn't ordinary. He's the youngest member of a dynasty of professional spies! Yet somehow I just don't find him exciting compared to an antisocial biologist. I dunno. Ultimately Control is a pawn in the story, used and manipulated by other people, and (spoilers) this doesn't change in Acceptance.

I had similar dilemmas with VanderMeer's Ambergris books, particularly book two, so perhaps it's a fact about his writing. When it's good it's GOOD, but sometimes the things I like get lost in rambling narrative fluff. The question is whether getting through the less interesting parts is worth it for the really good parts. With The Southern Reach trilogy, I'd argue the latter. I have no issues with the style or pacing in Annihilation or Acceptance, and the overarching story is fascinating.

I've mentioned many times before that I usually struggle with book twos in trilogies, and this one isn't an exception. However, I do appreciate what Authority is going for on a meta and lore level when viewing the series as a whole. It does establish a lot of things that either explain earlier stuff or pay off later; it just takes a while to get to them. The context of everything else bumps this to an 8.   

[one-spidey-boii]

BUMMER SUMMER || peter parker; ch. two

read chapter one here

masterlist

an; welcome back y’all. thank you to all who have read so far, even tho it’s only chapter two. i’d love to hear your feedback! enjoy!

**italics indicates flashback**

warnings; mentions of battle wounds (i.e. blood/scars/etc), future smut, mature language, fluff, angst, both peter and oc are 18+!!

word count; 2.2k+

edie's pov

so that's spiderman? seems like a fun guy, i think as i walk through the dark alleyways so i don’t draw unwanted attention to myself. it's late and i'm navigating my way home, still thinking about my run-in with the red and blue clad boy. it's easy to tell he's young by the sound of his voice, leading me to believe he’s twenty at most. that doesn't bother me of course, as i too am considered young for a crime-fighting vigilante.

i turn the last corner before reaching my street and sigh with relief at the sight of my apartment building. the light in my window is off, aiding in the illusion that i'm asleep so my mom doesn't come in while i'm away on my semi-nightly adventures. just before i can touch the brick stones of my building as i pass by, a mechanical swoosh comes down and picks me up off the ground. i let out a small yelp and quickly find myself placed on the roof.

"hey, wolfie." mr. stark says as he walks out of his iron man suit. i let out the breath i was holding and turn around to face him. i offer him a small smile and take my hood down.

"mr. stark, hello, sir."

"school's almost out, right?" before i can answer, he keeps talking, "good. i'm gonna need your help with something."

i wipe away the beads of sweat running down my forehead as i bend down to pick up my throwing knives from the concrete ground. i steady myself and focus on the tattered piece of cardboard nailed to the wall that is my makeshift target. with a small grunt, i fling one towards the center of the red dot, hitting it dead on. i continue this activity until i run out of things to throw and my arms feel like jelly. i lost count of how many times i'd hit the center of the target in a row.

stepping back with a satisfied smirk, i collect my knives, shoving them back into their rightful place in my bag or around my waist and turn on my heel to head home. i manage to take two steps before a voice stops me in my tracks.

"hey, don't walk away now, kid, the next one would have been fifty." my eyes widen at the familiar voice that often appears on my living room television. i slowly move to face the man and gulp, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish, not being able to say a word.

"come on, one more. show me what you got." says tony stark, with a loose smile on his face.

without a word, i force my trembling hands to grab my favorite knife from my right boot and brace myself for a throw. my breathing is shaky as i raise my right arm and inhale along with it. i can feel the sweat running down my back as i close my eyes for a moment. don't embarrass yourself, e, i think to myself. with that i snap my eyes open and silently chuck the knife towards the target.

i missed.

"oh for fuck's sake." i groan into my hands before i remember who i'm with and freeze. i keep my head in my hands, making sure to cover my face, only gathering enough courage to peek at tony stark through my fingers.

"well, that's awkward, i won't lie," he says, looking uncomfortable, "but i think i saw what i needed to see beforehand. i'm tony stark, or iron man if you wanna get fancy." he reaches a hand out in my direction.

"edie wolfe, hi." i reply with a defeated and lame handshake. to save both of us from looming silence, he pulls at my hoodie before continuing on, "okay, ms. wolfe." he pauses to inspect my attire, "what is this? leggings? and a hoodie? kid, if you're gonna be throwing knives, you gotta expect people to throw them back at you. this isn't going to cut it." he motions to the thin fabric covering my arms and chest.

i laugh at his words, "oh hey i see what you did there."

not catching on to his own pun, he moves on again, "what? actually never mind, we have a lot of talking to do, wolfie."

ever since that night, he took me under his wing- and a week later i got a package with a brand new suit in it. one that would protect me a whole lot more than what i was working with before.

"earth to wolfie, beep beep boop," mr. stark says as he pokes me in the forehead. i swat his hand away and give him my full attention. he continues on, "so you're in? a summer at the compound, being scary and keeping bad guys away?"

i raise an eyebrow at him, "what makes you think my family will be okay with that?" i ask. mr. stark simply rolls his eyes, "i already talked to your father, need i show you the proof?" i shake my head and he nods with satisfaction.

"okay, kid. see you in a few days." he says, preparing to get back into his suit, but before he can fly away i stop him, a question looming over my head, "am i doing this alone?"

"of course not. i wouldn't leave you alon- well actually i can't leave him alone so that's why you're gonna be there," he explains with a shake of his head.

"and who exactly is this person?" i ask with my arms crossed.

"how about one friendly neighborhood spiderman!" he yells and takes off before i can say anything back.

-

finally, the last day of school was upon us. it seems that the ending of every school year is bittersweet, and to be honest it hasn't quite hit me yet. senior year was way lamer than everyone played it off to be. you're told that you're officially ‘top dog', but let's be real- no real credit is given until you've graduated. but hey, here's to making it this far.

i'm sitting at my usual lunch table, surrounded by peter, ned, and mj. we pass jokes around the group and take in every moment we have left of our time together, yanno, since peter is leaving. but so am i. which is something i still have to share with everyone.

"uh, hey, guys. can i be a debby downer for a moment?" i ask, clearing my throat and disturbing the light mood of the afternoon. the table quiets down and all eyes are on me. "so you know how peter is leaving this summer?" i ruffle peter's hair in an attempt to not make that statement so sad.

"yeah, edie, we know." mj says with an eye roll as she picks at her cold french fries. i roll my eyes back at her and mock her voice. i can't help but notice peter's guilty face sitting next to me, little does he know i am going to make it a whole lot more weird up in here.

i take in a big breath and hold it to up the anticipation, "well it looks like i'll be gone too."

ned drops his chicken wrap and shakes his head furiously, "nuh uh, nope. no way. sorry, e, i can't allow that to happen," he says with a stern voice. peter chooses this moment to negatively highlight my new confession, "edie, how dare you! someone needs to be here to look after the kids."

i lower my head in shame, god this was so hard to do. faking a playful smile, i try to make light of the situation, "hey, c'mon, we all know mj is the mom friend of the group."

mj shakes her head violently and protests against my statement, "absolutely not. i veto that with all of my being, ned is the mom." she insists as she points to the pouting boy. we all laugh at that before falling into an uncomfortable silence. i glance in peter's direction and try to smile at him. doing this to him was the hardest, i tell him everything and knowing full well that i can't tell anyone about my stay at the compound, it just hurts my heart. we won't be able to communicate all summer.

"my mom signed me up to be a camp counselor...at, uh, a self-defense camp." i panic at the last second, realizing i never thought about what kind of camp i would fictitiously be a part of. the whole table bursts out into laughter.

through short breaths and a hearty laugh, ned pokes fun at me, "edie? teaching children how to kick someone's ass? look at you, you're like a soft pillowy little marshmallow." i stick my tongue out at him and cross my arms.

"hey, i wouldn't shut down the idea too fast, remember e's dad is like, an actual fbi agent. i'm sure he's taught her some stuff," peter chimes in, coming to my rescue. i nod along and hum a 'mhm', snickering inside at how much they don't know.

-

once i'm home, i pack my suitcase with all the things i think one would need to stay at a high tech superhero compound. i grab all of my knives and shove them into a utility pack, along with my suit.

my parents know where i'm going, and lucky for me they’re okay with it. well, at least my dad is.

my father, sam wolfe, works for a hidden branch of the fbi that trains government spies and the occasional assassin. thus being the reason i grew to be so good at combat. he would take me onto the roof of our building and have me shoot at targets and hit punching bags. we would practice for hours at a time, his booming voice critiquing my every move and decision as i worked. i've never been comfortable with a gun, so i stuck with knives and made that my craft.

i haven't seen my dad in a few months now. to 'protect' me and my family, we weren't allowed to know where my dad was going or why he had to leave in the first place. once mr. stark came into my life, he and my father became close, putting his trust in mr. stark to watch out for me whenever he was gone.

my mother on the other hand, she hates everything about it. she’s afraid of the world and all the things that lurk behind closed doors. when dad isn't around, we aren't allowed to talk about anything related to knives or fighting or tony stark. and for my nine-year-old brother's sake, i oblige.

pulling my bag onto my shoulder and lugging my suitcase through the hall, i meet my mother and brother in the living room. she meets my eyes with her cloudy ones and closes the distance between us with a strong hug. i chuckle at her before wrapping my arms around her plump frame.

"mom, it's okay-" i start, before she cuts me off, "shhh, edie. let me have this moment."

i shut up and continue to embrace my mom. i know this is hard for her, but she needs to understand that this is an amazing opportunity for me. i'm being put in charge of the avengers compound for the entire summer. i wish i could share this excitement with my dad, but i know he's happy for me, wherever he may be.

"edie, promise me you'll come home if you can't handle it. no one is going to judge you for that. you're only eighteen. i can't believe your father is letting you do this." my mother rambles as she pulls away from me. i smile at her and just nod my head.

my little brother looks over in our direction with a shy smile on his face. i ruffle his hair and pull him to me for a quick hug, "take care of mom for me, booger." i whisper into his ear. he gives me a simple nod and backs away.

my phone buzzes in my pocket. i pull it out to see a message from mr. stark.

'beep beep, i'm here'

i sigh and look up at my mom one last time, "that's my ride." she lets a single tear stroll down her cheek before wiping it away and shooing me out the door.

once out of the apartment, i lug my suitcase down the three flights of stairs and out onto the sidewalk. mr. stark is pulled up to the curb in his fancy black car. he rolls down the passenger side window and yells at me through it, "time to party, wolfie."

i stroll to the car and pull the back door open to throw my stuff down. then i hop into the front seat and look at mr. stark, "you know, you could have come in."

"yeah, well we all know your mother doesn't like me very much. i don't wanna poke the bear," he says as he pulls his sunglasses over his eyes and revs the engine, "let's get you to your new home for the next three months, shall we?"

|| taglist; @my-patronus-is-mabel-pines

[barelynakedthoughts]

Today I am 12 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy. I am 1 week and 1 day away from entering the second trimester. I'm still in shock that we may have a little one soon...I'm still surprised we made it this far. We're not out of the danger zone yet, but I'm settling into this pregnancy a bit more each day.

These past few weeks have been odd and filled with way too many tears than I care to admit. I've been a bit hormonal, but I've also had crippling anxiety over the safety and viability of our little one. For about two weeks, I did not feel pregnant in the way I had been. It was my transitional period from very nauseated and sick to leading a semi-normal, less nauseated life. Sure, I get lightheaded here and there -actually I'm writing this in the middle of the night because I woke up wanting to throw up. Yet, it's not every day and I'm even reintroducing light amounts of sauce and pasta. My body is even allowing me to eat chocolate again!! You would not believe how much excitement that caused this past week.

In the latter part of those two weeks, I began cramping daily and it was painful. I called the nurse for clarity, even. Since we were so close to a first semester screening, she recommended waiting and seeing how it goes. My brain was convinced we lost the baby.

Turns out, my cyst had grown a millimeter and the baby had grown even more. During the scan, I cried silently and squeezed my husband's hand so tight that he said it hurt afterwards. I responded with, "I guess I'm getting you prepared for a few months from now!" We chuckled afterward and stared at pictures of our little one. They moved so much during the scan. So much sl it made it difficult for them to get everything they needed. I secretly commended the babe because that meant we got to spend more time with them on the grayscale screen. There first few minutes of fame!

My heart has been at peace since then. Well there was one night where I wiped and there was a spec of bright red blood, but it has not since returned. I'm just going to choose my battles wisely from now on...or maybe not. We'll see. My emotions have been rather unpredictable to say the least. The doctors even sent us a video and I've watched it about as much as I've watched my favorite show, House. The joy of watching them bounce and wiggle and move their arms and kick their legs and side eye the nurse bouncing the scanner on their cozy little home...the joy is just invigorating. I pray for their safety and I pray for their well-being. I lean on God and hope for His mighty hand to gentle bring this little one to life come May or June!

So what am I feeling like now?

Well, normal. Kinda. My belly is starting to get bigger and if i weren't pregnant, I'd look like I've gained weight. The ironic part of this stomach growth is the scale. My body hasn't gained anything. I've been the same, if not two pounds lighter, since becoming pregnant in September. There was a point where I was fluctuating +/- 3 pounds each week, but that settled quickly and now I'm looking to start gaining weight for real. I'm, of course, going to ask the doctor what that looks like when we go in next week. In the midst of the fluctuation, I did happen to gain three little stretch marks on my belly. They have been my reminder of something precious even when I don't feel pregnant. There are some mornings where I feel my bump has gone missing...but it shows back up later in the day. I think most of fatter aesthetic is bloating right now. I cant wait until it's a round belly that screams "I'm pregnant!"

My lower back has been killing me and sleeping is still difficult. I'm starting to accept that I may never sleep through the night again - much to my husband's dismay. Poor him, he's been waking up here and there because I keep shuffling to find the right position. I guess he should get used to it, too! I've been trying my best not to wake him, though. It's lonely, but I can manage to past the time. I'm starting to notice slight aches when bending over and sitting in weird positions. I'm also starting the lose the ability to sit forward comfortable. My belly is not that big right now. It reminds me of when my period would hit honestly. Yet it's also different structurally. It's not a bloat, it's a physical alteration where pieces have been moved around.

Covid is scaring us a bit and with Thanksgiving coming up, we're becoming even more cautious. Might have to do a virtual dinner with both of our families. No can afford getting covid, but right now, I'm not trying to be pregnant with covid. I don't need the worry and I dont need the illness!

I've been catching myself staring at my belly, rubbing it and smiling more often. I'm noticing slight nesting tendencies, too. We're not buying too much beyond more comfortable clothing, but as we enter into the second trimester, this could change. I'm not trying to jump the gun yet. I'm waiting until after 20 weeks to start changing the apartment around. Fortunately that will come right around when Christmas decorations have to come down so it'll feel like a natural transition from the festively ostentatious to the surreal. Normally the apartment feels unfillably bare after Christmas, but I have a feeling there will be a different type or emptiness lurking. An emptiness filled with the hope of growth. I'm hoping by Christmas we get small movements, too. It would be a wonderful present. If I'm honest, I stopped wanting presents a few years ago. My inner Cindy Lou Who started expressing herself and Christmas gained a new meaning. I dont even want to give gifts. I feel it does a disservice to the season of giving because most items people dont want in the long run anyways. It's just a holiday to gain more stuff to a lot of people and I just want a holiday where I hug my mom, enjoy my family and smile genuinely all day. No earthly treasure means more than family...and this year, there would be no greater gift than having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy little one.

Also, singing Christmas songs with my dad would be beautiful, too. This type of Christmas where joy is revealed in acts of thanksgiving would be want I want to impart on my little one.

Well that was a tangent!

I'm feeling good this week. Seeing the light after a few weeks of darkness is just that much more precious. I'm excited to hear the heartbeat next week and to keep seeing growth happen. I'm excited to carry this little one...can't wait to hold them in my arms.