#i feel like i repeated myself a lot but that's just how i function irl too so sorry not sorry
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Couldn't play Y4 today because I was studying and taking care of irl stuff, so I'll just write my Akiyama first impressions post now, as promised! I've played up to the first cutscene with "Lily".
This was supposed to be, like, a surface-level thing where I kinda guess stuff and do some basic observations, but according to Microsoft Word I got... around 1200+ words deep. So yeah. Good for you guys who like to read my rablings that I didn't take my meds today! But also... this IS my unmedicated self's ramblings, written at 10-11pm so... (attempt to) read at your own peril!
For those of you who want the short version, TL;DR is provided (and highly recommended) at the bottom!
So, Akiyama! What a guy.
-He's low-energy and has trouble taking care of himself, his work and his surroundings (laid-back or depressed? maybe it's a little bit of both - as a treat. Maybe executive dysfunction?). This is clear in how messy his office is, how Hana reminds him to eat and brought him lunch (implying he regularly forgets to, or just doesn't eat), and how it seems to be a common occurence that she has to encourage him to do his work. And yet, despite the chill vibes and slow pace he keeps, he manages to also be chaotic in the way that he's unpredictable to those around him, in terms of his business strategy, and in how he makes quick decisions on the spot ā ones that donāt make sense to people around him, based on what they (think) they know about him.
-In front of most people, Akiyama pretends to be all laid-back and just thisā¦ guy who just does his own thing because heās quirky and doesnāt care, but he's not fooling me at all; he cares, and he cares a lot. About many people. He's literally looking after the homeless in town - so much so that they feel safe enough to let him into their space to have a chat and drink with them, and ask him for things.
^This is probably no small feat, considering how the homeless are treated in Kamurocho (there's literally groups who hunt them for shits and giggles) and how uncertain things are for them in general in that area. They seemed genuinely happy to see Akiyama.
-Now, an argument could be made that he's doing it for his own benefit: having the homeless population on your side can be an advantage (for example: the Florist used them for discreet info gathering), but... I don't see it. I think itās because heās been there and he feels a great amount of empathy for them. Now. Why do I think he wants to have a mask of indifference in the first place? Well, to put it simply - shitās dangerous. He has enemies in the money lending industry, which probably includes numerous Yakuza groups too. Canāt be caught caring, yāknow. Both for his sake, and theirs.
-And so. We get to the neon yellow elephant in the room that has to be addressed; the way he handles his loans. I think Akiyama only takes on clients who he sees as either A: having the potential to make it big - the ones he can later maybe benefit from, or who he simply sees as benefitting from his loans the most, or B: - heavily speculating here - good? (decent?) people who are down on their luck. Ones who, he thinks, deserve a second chance, people who don't have anyone else to ask for help. If he was in the business for money and other benefits alone, heād be charging interest out the ass like all the others, but he doesnāt. He merely tests people to make sure they donāt grab the money and leave the country, or waste it and never pay him back. He wants to see these people succeed ā at least the ones he thinks will use the money to get back on their feet or to become successful, that is. People who could be more, who could FLOURISH, had they some extra help from outside. The tests including stuff like volunteering and caring for the elderly further point to a possible more altruistic side to his business.
He can't just go giving money out - he'd go out of business very fast. So he lends, with no interest. Just a test of trustworthiness, and terms that he finds will give him some benefit back, as well. He is running a business here, so him wanting to get something back from the customers instead of them paying interest is fair. Terms will also motivate the lendees keep themselves on the right track AND probably ward off the worst of the bunch, the ones looking for the easiest, quickest money they can get.
-People genuinely think Akiyama is weird - crazy, even - because of how he runs his business, and he seems totally fine with that. Which further makes me believe heās purposefully built up this a mask of an uncaring and sort of ...unhinged man. He could explain himself and openly state the goals he has for the clients to dispel this negative, 'crazy person' image people have of him. But... thatād just be suicide; heād openly admit to competitors/enemies that he has people he cares about and that he wants to see his lendees succeed. Thatād be like ASKING for extortion and for terrible things to happen to the people who have visited his business in the past or who will do so in the future.
-He's good at keeping his cards close to his chest, too: in one cutscene people wonder why lendees don't ever lend from him twice. And what's the answer to the question that we hear? Something to the effect of "I don't know. They probably wanna avoid interacting with that nutjob ever again". People have NO idea why he does things the way he does. They know he lends money to people he sees as having potential to succeed in the future, but they don't even consider the possibility that some lendees he's simply helping get back on their feet.
-As for his goals? No clue! Besides keeping the business running, I donāt feel like I have enough information on him to parse any long-term goals out of this guy. Maybe keeping Kamurocho as chill as it can be? To prevent unnecessary bloodshed? He did go out out of his way to settle the dispute between theā¦ the uhhā¦ *has to google the name* the Kanemura peeps and Ueno to prevent escalation of the situation? But then again, Arai seems to have been a long-time friend, so maybe it was just to make things easier for him? As of now, he doesnāt feel particularly ambitious.
As for speculation on his background? Since my facial memory (even for fictional characters) is total garbage, Iām not 100 % sure, but I think maybe he was in the photograph that was in his drawer? He seemed quite well-off in that one. So how does he end up homeless? I feel like he either joined the yakuza and the family he joined disbanded, leaving him with nothing. OR he suffered a career- or family-related setback that landed him on the streets? Him being ex-yakuza would make sense since he seems to be quite informed on all the relevant lore and relations between families. But he also DOES work quite close to the... darker side of things with his business being what it is. But... he also fights very well. Weāll see! Maybe they explained it aready? If they did, am sorry! I was playing the game too late into the night so I was kinda eepy towards the end. Gonna re-watch the cutscenes from late chapter 1 and early chapter 2 when I keep playing.
Now, any relation to characters from previous games I wanna speculate on? I donāt see any real reason to think he knows Kiryu; he only referred to him with his DoD moniker and didnāt seem too interested or thoughtful about it. It was just him referring to a famous person. Majima? Donāt see it either. Anyone else? I donāt really have any reason to think he knows anyone from the past games as of now.
TL;DR:
According to my, at-times very faulty, sensors that are prone to overcooking:
Akiyama is a kind person trying to give others the second chance they deserve (as he himself got), while also trying to disguise himself as a chronic IDGAFer at the same time because he has enemies. He's a kind man living in a world that tears people like him apart.
Mans is probably depressed or at least suffers from executive dysfunction or like... low blood iron levels, based on how low-energy he is and how little he seems to look after himself and his office, and how he seems to have a tendency toā¦ go at his own pace at work. Hana keeps (or at least tries to keep) him functional - or thatās what it seems like, at least.
He probably offers loans based on if he thinks lendees will get back on their feet, or if the loan will make them flourish business-wise.
Ended up homeless, maybe because he was ex-yakuza or because of a setback in a civilian career or family life.
Canāt say how he ties to characters from previous games, or if he even does at all. Besides Nishiki unknowingly acting as form of divine monetary intervention, that is.
#i have to wake up at 6am. it's 11.08 in the evening and I haven't even showered yet#the things I do for y'all#it'd be SO funny if I'm totally misreading this man's character. I wouldn't even be mad#i feel like i repeated myself a lot but that's just how i function irl too so sorry not sorry#yakuza thoughts#yakuza 4#yakuza spoilers#yakuza 4 spoilers#<-maybe???? idk#shun akiyama#akiyama shun
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tell us more about cordelia! something you love, something you wish we knew more about, something you relate to, something you've discerned that we might not have seen yet, why she doesn't seem to know any neurotypicals yet might be neurotypical herself, etc. just cordelia. i think we should talk about her more
Cordelia, Cordelia, Cordelia!
She is my daughter. She delights me. She confounds me.
Despite being one of my favourite characters in TSC, I find everything she does baffling. Every time she is faced with a choice, any choice at all, she does the exact opposite thing than I would have done. For her, she makes the right choices. If I made her choices, though, I'd rip my own hair out. We are SUCH different people.
I actually really like this. A lot of my favourite characters are important to me because of the ways that I find myself mirrored in them. Matthew, Alastair, and Thomas are all great examples. Cordelia serves a different function to me as a window character. Watching her is like a huge character study in someone Very Unlike Me who's extremely complex, likeable, and ultimately lovely.
Matthew and Cordelia
The sole exception to this "Cordelia-and-I-make-different-choices" rule is when she runs off to Paris with Matthew, which I would have done. It would have been a good decision for me but was actually an awful one for her.
I'm going to be a little rambley here, but I want to talk a little bit about her relationship with my Best Blorbo Matthew. I think that she fundamentally misunderstands him, which is interesting for me to watch as someone who's so similar to Matthew. I might dissect the whole scene one day when I have time, but there's this bit where she's rejecting him where he's going on and on about all the places they can travel to. She says, "we can't always be running away." This was so interesting to me!!! Because it was so obvious to me that Matthew wasn't running away. He's planning his dream future full of unknown adventures, and he's trying to fit her in. She's too settled, she wants to be settled, and that's okay! They're just not compatible. But she so greatly misunderstands what he's trying to do, and I kind of turn my head to that scene to go "huh. That's why I don't understand her."
Daisy, My Daughter
There are so many things I love about Cordelia. I absolutely adore her bravery and her compassion, and I think she feels a lot. I think she's strong and independent.
I think that she's capable of being crafty and sneaky when she wants to be (see: the wording of the oath she has Lilith repeat to her in ChoT.) She's my daughter, my ridiculously frustrating daughter, who I know has a brain somewhere in there that she never uses.
I also will say that I really like the drive that she has to be a hero. It's refreshing to see a girl character who actively attempts to realize a goal like that rather than someone who's thrust into a world Chosen-One-Style. Both Clary and Tessa were "Chosen One" type characters, which served their genre well for the time. Cordelia, like Emma, was just an ambitious Shadowhunter, and I find her story very interesting as a result. And I like how Cordelia is in part driven by a desire for merciful, compassionate heroism (unlike Emma, who was driven by a desire for revenge). It sets her apart from all the other Emma-type Badass Warrior Girls who want to go out and kick as much ass as possible.
She's such a delightful person and one I would be proud to call a friend IRL. And she's a great character in a lot of ways, though I think there are some narrative issues holding her back.
Cordelia and Cassandra Clare's Narrative
I feel like Cordelia is the one character that I wish I could steal from Cassie and repurpose. I generally really like what Cassie does with most of her characters, and I like a lot of the things she did with Cordelia. If I didn't, I wouldn't love her so much. But I think that with some VERY MINOR tweaking, Cordelia could have been even better.
The issue with Cordelia is that the author gives her very little agency. The narrative serves to protect her and James as the Herongraystairs kids, and I get that, but it feels like Cordelia is often just dragged along for the ride. Like, she is the main character! Why is she given almost no agency or real choices? Why is she just swept along with the narrative as a pawn in this large chess game that is TLH? I was talking with a close mutual @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer a while back who said it would have been great if Cordelia became Lilith's paladin willingly to try to take power from all the awful men who abuse it. I would have loved this! If Cordelia had been allowed to get just a little bit messy, bend the rules of morality, and make some mistakes, she would have been even more incredible than she is.
The Impact of Lacking Agency
This narrative issue manifests as my least favorite Cordelia character trait: her hyper-naivete. She is so naĆÆve in a way that is almost unbelievable to me as a reader. Like, her response to "dad's an alcoholic who's been abusing me since I was 10" is "huh!!!! That's why I found gin bottles everywhere and he was super clunky and they stopped serving wine! Who'd have guessed?" And, she literally swore fealty to this dude who said he was Wayland the Smith because... he said so? Like ??? Girl!!! Other people, especially your brother, have paid a great price for that naĆÆvetĆ©. That bothers me.
The thing that's annoying about this is that I've come to the conclusion that Cassie didn't intend for Cordelia to be so naĆÆve. It was a side effect of giving her no agency. If someone is an adult, that means they necessarily have agency; if someone has agency, they lose moral purity. Ergo, Cordelia was necessarily naĆÆve.
Alastair and Cordelia
I also feel like re: the writing, I find Alastair and Cordelia's dynamic to be simultaneously excellent and irritating. Because he sacrificed his whole life for her! It should not have taken her several months and a murder accusation to marginally stand up for him! I'm sorry!
But I also really love their relationship, especially in ChoT. It makes me so happy to see them joking around together like normal siblings, and I feel like Alastair by Beloved Blorbo gets to kind of... be a normal guy with his little sister, if only a little bit. He doesn't need to act in loco parentis anymore, and they're immediately messing around. I love it.
Again, I wish the relationship were written in a more cohesive way. Maybe it's because I don't have a sibling. But it feels like Cordelia DOES acknowledge that Alastair is the constant lifelong protector that she wants to call out to when she's scared. But she also simultaneously says that he's like quicksand unprompted and tells Matthew that he must think she's terrible to love him.
Cassie, why!?
Cordelia and her Neurodivergent BFFs
This is a funny observation you make, that she "doesn't seem to know any neurotypicals yet might be neurotypical herself." And I agree, actually! I don't really have a lot of thoughts on this besides "that's just who she naturally wound up around because of her familial and life circumstances." What do you think of it? I'm curious to know. <3
#cordelia carstairs#tlh#the last hours#matthew fairchild#james herondale#alastair carstairs#lit crit#tsc deep dives
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I am pretty sure I am going to stop taking class next semester. On one hand, after one year of studying and 6 months of having a student ARC, I could get a part-time work permit and national health insurance. On the other hand, class steadily wears down my mental health every semester until break, and I am almost certain trying to work on top of that would be disastrous. I thought about trying to go directly into working, but (as far as I know, anyone is welcome to prove me wrong) itās impossible to convert a student ARC into a work ARC, so either way I need to leave the country and reenter. Covid definitely inflicted some mental trauma, so I canāt shake the fear that Iāll be barred entry back in for whatever reason, forcing my friend to clean out my apartment and ship everything to me in whatever country I inevitably take refuge in...
He just flew back from Vietnam today though and assured me Taoyuan Intāl Airport is back to pre-covid functionality. Having a gander at Skyscanner, I saw that the airline āFly Gangwonā goes between Taipei and Yangyang International Airport (never heard of it, evidently somewhere near Seoraksan) which tempted me briefly until I looked up the company and promptly lost confidence that theyād still be in business by the end of March. I had entertained thoughts of going to Tokyo but flights are still too expensive. Iāve been to most cities/countries within affordable range of Taipei, so either I pony up for something new, or pick somewhere I liked enough to repeat. I fondly remember Okinawa having neither feral dogs nor rampaging scooters on the sidewalk, but itās still not the cheapest option, and I donāt even know how my school is organising this last month of class (another new teacher? and god only knows whoās taking break when), so Iāve been waffling and having the usual big-life-change depression that always manifests around this time.
Iāve been reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and itās...well, itās something, and Iām both a) not looking forward to my dad wanting to visit me this spring, and b) realising my whole relationship with my Chinese tutor was another bid for emotional intimacy with someone who was never capable of reciprocating the way I wanted, and Iām not sure how to extricate myself from this (class, our extracurricular artistic collaboration, my general mental entanglement, idk). I would like to make more IRL friends in Taipei, especially in my immediate area, but Iām not sure exactly how, when social engagement wears me out, and, ironically, I feel isolated because I speak tolerable Mandarin but I donāt look at all like someone who speaks tolerable Mandarin. Most of my friend-making in the past has relied on someone more extroverted adopting me and dragging me along, and I feel my odds of this have gone way down. I miss, in a way, my days of hostel work-stay where there was a constant influx of potential friends, and they all came directly to my door! Now I have to actively leave my room and go outside to a social venue and talk to strangers? However, this is not a lament with no plan for action, Iām really hoping if I hang out in Taipei while not taking class Iāll have the energy to go to more events, and sooner or later SOMETHING will happen. (I went to a ārope jamā the other week, I donāt know what I expected exactly but I am willing to go again.)
I had a moment yesterday in which I asked myself exactly what Iām hanging around in Taiwan for now anyways. Iāve basically burnt myself out with classes, Iām faced with the prospect of getting a job Iām not thrilled about just to stay in a place where honestly Iām kinda lonely and touch-starved. It was a safe space to hang out while I worked on transitioning, processing some of my never-ending queue of issues to be processed, and immersing myself in a special interest, but now what, huh? Donāt get me wrong, Taipei is a city where I find a lot of joy in everyday little things, and that definitely makes it easier to keep going alone. At the same time, I had a significantly better social network and support back in 2017, and Iām missing that connection. Iāve read that part of contentment is finding fulfillment in what one does, and Iām also at the point in advanced language study where the returns are very mild and subtle relative to effort expended. (I hadnāt considered that as a factor til I wrote it out, but it tracks.) So the next step is to look for work, and see how that changes things. Well, once I pick somewhere to fly to in April, anyways.Ā
#we had a class field trip to Xingtian Temple on friday to try some divination techniques#the gods told me not to marry any of my friends#i suspect they're right#they also said i should work on looking for someone i could marry for love and idk about thaaaat one -_-#we went to the ęäøčäŗŗ temple after but my heart was not in it
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I have been trying to improve greatly the way I am and the kind of person I am (even while working retail and getting stuck cashiering all the time LOL), I've been genuinely trying to be a kinder nicer person to people especially the people I care immensely about, I realize I can't do that for everybody and that there are going to be times that I'm also at my limit but I've also especially in the past few years really tried working on apologizing and rectifying my wrongs and making points of not repeating behavior that has not lead to good outcomes, and finding other options when I do see cycles continue... and putting my health first when I need to respectfully as well. Like I've worked on my boundaries quite a lot in the past year because I've also had IRL friends to talk to to like work on stuff with and I feel like... a more whole and a greater person for being able to talk openly and honestly with some people and not get PUNISHED for it but also to be able to heal relationships I've had with some people and after all of that I feel a lot lighter about things. I mean don't get me wrong some days I'm at my total limit and want to die still but it's more like a "I work all the time" kind of thing most of the time now rather than a "My life is intrinsically less valuable/I am worthless" kind of thing? Although in my head I'm still like Rose is worthless. I don't carry myself like that anymore.
Which I think is a pretty big difference. That's the thing -- even if you feel you're worthless, you just can't... be carrying yourself like that. You have to grow up, you have to be mature, you have to act like an adult. You can't like let that inform your Every Single Decision or else you're not really Living. That's kind of how I learned it ironically from the way Waver is, is just that like... Truly thinking that you're worthless and useless and bad etc. is one thing but Acting upon those thoughts and behaving as if that's true is another. Waver certainly embodies, in my opinion, the way that it is to be an adult and to have responsibilities but still have low self esteem due to *gestures vaguely* Everything; the responsibilities come first, because he's a grown ass man and an adult and has to take care of people. He still thinks poorly of himself but he doesn't ACT like he does in the ways that matter. He's very genuine of a person, he cares about people, he makes sure to help people where he can. He does his best and it really shows. I wanted to become a person like that, I wanted to be firm and fair with people and yet still believe in good faith towards others, and not be so cruel to people, I wanted to be able to balance the stress of life and the pain I felt with what it meant to operate in real life and be a functioning human being. Or something. Am I closer to that? I hope I am.
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I've no idea if this is the right place to ask this, probably not but I'm a bit desperate since I've got no one to talk to irl about this. I feel massive, my bmi is considered healthy, people would describe me as average in every aspect, at least from the side. From the front I feel I look like a personified bulldog, an ox, stupid dumb eyes, weirdly shaped mouth, and my face is still kind of my main selling point. I've got big shoulders, broad hips and upper tights, mostly muscle, I done very little to get them. When I went to the gym I built up a bit more muscle and quit immediately it just highlighted everything even more, that stuff luckily went away after a while but only as far as what I gained through the exercises, the rest stayed. I probably would be completely ok with myself if I had grown a bit taller, the proportions would fit a lot better then.
Next to other women (and enough men) I feel like a cartoon character that was placed into the wrong series, a completely other "drawing style" for lack of better words. I hate myself so much, I don't leave the house other than for work and chores anymore, I always feel like a clown. I apologize for the word vomit, but I'm desperate, do you have any suggestions? Anything I could read, listen to?
You seem to have a very skewered perception of your body. From what you have written, youāre healthy and strong, so you have little to worry about health wise? You donāt describe having trouble to carry out any action physically, so you are in good physical condition? And apparently, you get strong fast when you put yourself into it? All of this sound great to me. We often arenāt good judges of wether weāve put a lot of work into getting things done, so Iām taking your affirmation that you did very little to earn your muscles with a grain of salt. Itās more likely that you have fallen into a habit of discounting your own work. That, and the fact that not all women have the same metabolism. We donāt all built muscle the same way, and in that case youād certainly be better served by working into looking at it gratefully, instead of putting yourself down for something youāre naturally better at than other women. Life is not a competition, we have different characteristics and advantages from the beginning, and denying it or pretending it has any moral weight does not help you move forward.
Youāre not a clown, you very likely look nothing like a bulldog nor an ox. Youāre maybe a little on the short side, but a strong woman. You would feel better about yourself if you focused on what you have: a functioning, healthy, strong body, one which allows you to carry out the tasks you want to do. What others think about your face is irrelevant, because 1. you canāt do anything about it (you canāt control their minds) 2. you canāt do anything about it (are you going to get plastic surgery? to switch bodies?) 3. do you really want to hold yourself to the irrealistic standards of social media? thereās nothing genuine about full make-up photoshopped faces and bodies, so your scale of judgement is never going to be satisfied 4. why do you let others have all the power over your feelings about yourself?
Do you judge other women you see in the street like this? Do you think to yourself āoh sheās an elephantā, āoh she has a dogās faceā, āoh her proportions are crazyā? I bet not. Youāre walking and worrying about how they judge you. Except they arenāt, just like you they are wondering ādoes she think iām too short and too wide?ā, ādoes she think my haircut makes me look old?ā, ā¦ There are way less people judging you than you think, and for those who do, do you think they obsess over you specifically all day? At worst, they see you, you register in their brain, they make a comment to themselves, and then they move on. You donāt live rent-free in peopleās heads. We all have better things to do and bigger fish to fry than ponder the BMI of strangers on the street and then obsess over it for days.
A small exercise to put things into perspective, would you talk about one of your friend like this? Would you disparage her like this? Then why is it acceptable to do it to you? You should treat yourself like you would a friend. You need to be your own friend.
Being short is not a moral failing, itās just a fact. Being strong, having big shoulders, broad hips, strong thighs and muscle is not a bad thing. It only makes you a normal woman. And we all have to accept that we are just ourselves, nothing more, and that weāll never be anybody else. Thereās no point in wishing you were more like āother womenā because it wonāt happen, youāre just setting yourself up for lifelong misery. I guarantee you that you are not a cartoon character next to other women. Women have an extensive range of body shapes, weāre not all just carbon-copies of each other with you as the single outlier.
Maybe youāre not looking at yourself enough, or looking at yourself too much with othersā eyes. By the latter I mean that youāre always looking at yourself in mirrors or in pictures, in the reflections in glass windows when you go out. Youāre not looking directly at yourself. Youāre looking at a distorted, at a filtered image of yourself. Youāre looking at something distinct from yourself, something alien. Cover mirrors, stop taking selfies, try to forget that constructed image for a while. Look at yourself with your own two eyes and nothing else if you really have to look. Donāt focus so much on having an appearance while you exist and instead focus on existing. Pretend youāre invisible. Wear your sloppiest clothes on a grocery errand and realise that no one cares. Youāre not going to be arrested over it, the cashier is not going to refuse your money for it. It doesnāt matter. It doesnāt have to matter.
You have nothing you need to hate yourself for. You are just a woman, alive. Thatās what you should focus on. Youāre fine, youāre normal, youāre average, youāre just alive. Push yourself a little, get out there, nothing will happen to you and it will become easier.
If anyone has any reading or listening to suggest, feel free to link it in the notes. But I think that what you need most, here, is to cultivate an attitude of not caring about it. Try to relax about existing. Thereās mental reframing to do, certainly, but most important is repeated practise. Go out there and exist.
#answered#anonymous#on appearances#let yourself exist#much love to you anon#i know this is not easy#but there is nothing wrong with you
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ćŖććē§ć®ę³ććęŗ¢ćåŗćć. i went out with some friends last night and every time i go out i always realize just how bad i am at communicating and how bad I am with people. (long meandering post under the cut. feel free to ignore its unfocused and long.. like 2k words under there)
Iāve mentioned this before but I donāt really talk much irl. I donāt talk, I canāt connect properly. Every time Iām out with people I just feel fundamentally, likeā¦ different. So a group of my irls friends plus me were going to the movie theatre and I personally really hate movie theatres. I knew we were going to one and prepared myself thinking āoh itāll be fine bc you'll be with friends, just enjoy their company '' But god I really hate movie theaters. Itās been so long, i forgot how much I really really hated them. Theyāre so loud and bright. Iād much rather watch a movie at home but tbh I also just donāt like movies bc I canāt sit through them and I canāt focus and I donāt get invested easily and I need to be doing something with my hands at all times. To make matters worse, my friend's friend that I really donāt like came along. I just, I donāt like her. Sheās just too loud and attention seeking and childish. Like she says things for a reaction, like rlly not okay things sometimes and I just canāt stand her. like we went to see godzilla vs king kong and then entire movie she kept YELLING "IF THEY DONT KISS I WANT MY MONEY BACK" and i was like... you are 21 yrs old oh my god.. this isnt ur tumblr blog in middle school. shut up. But hereās the thing, I donāt know how to tell her or anyone that. Like I just canāt figure out a good way to say it, so I put up with it. Things like this just make me feel incredibly annoyed. I always talk on here about how if I have an issue with anyone, Iāll just say it like an adult. But in face to face situations I just donāt know how to say things. Well I do know how to say it - itād be easy.Ā I just hate having to do it. Like I don't have to say the whole thing about how I donāt like her but when she says like āsimpā when sheās nonblack I could just be like. āHey donāt say that, hereās whyā and Iām sure sheād stop. Yet I canāt bring myself to have that one moment of discomfort to tell her to stop yelling in my ear or stop saying things that make me annoyed. I feel useless in a way. ć”ćććØć§ććŖćć ć”ćććØä¼ććŖććDuring the entire movie I was thinking to myself that Iād rather be home watching a drama by myself and doing hw. I also hate going out for other reasons. I hate being seen. I hate my appearance. I know I donāt have to be pretty, I only need to exist for me. Like wow, I just have so many body image issues, and they all manifest heavily as soon as I go out in public.Ā
But afterwards I changed my mind a bit. There was a moment where we were outside running around in the street and it reminded me of that one scene in AIB episode one with Chota, Karube, and Arisu in the street and I was rlly likeā¦ wowā¦ maybe human connection really is good. It doesnāt matter if Iām pretty or good at talking, sometimes, to laugh and be silly wth others is all you need to make your night. Just one moment, just one person really is all it takes. We all went out for dinner afterwards and it was really really fun. I enjoyed it, there really is something about eating with someone that brings you closer to them.Ā Ā
The entire time though, I didnāt talk much. I donāt really know when to cut in in a conversation to a point where it feels right. I feel like by saying my piece Iām interrupting others just to say something that wasnāt really of any use. Really, I prefer silence with others. Iām bad at talking in social situations but Iām great at talking in classes and at work because of the context. Because Iām expected to engage there. The pretense is different. Like youāre supposed to contribute in those places. Itās acceptable to talk there. But for me, it doesnāt really feel acceptable to just share about myself like that in a social group setting. I wish I could always communicate like how I am doing here. Itās so much nicer online. I get to post my full complete thoughts without bothering any of you. My words can easily be disregarded and just flipped through. Itās passive. Posting is passive, talking is active. And sometimes, people don't really want to talk to others, they just want to say their piece. Like when talking about their problems, often we just want to say it and the act of saying those words is all we need. We donāt want input, it annoys us. I donāt like to cut in, and I can never find the right words to say. Even right now, none of this feels like itās coming out correctly. None of my words feel like theyāre coming out correctly nowadays, but this is the only way I know how to be. If I canāt post my thoughts on here, even if they come out crooked and ugly, I may never speak again. I have to keep talking, and typing, and trying otherwise Iāll never get any better. And I know itās okay to do things wrong, but still, I canāt let myself do that. Again, I do fine when Iām at work and school. Iām functional, normal, you would never be able to tell how much is going on in my head. But in private, I may never speak again if I wasnāt spoken to.Ā
When I was younger, around 12 or 13, I remember something a friend posted on my first online community. They posted, quite honestly, that they never wanted to meet anyone on there irl. No matter how close we are, it would never be the same IRL. I didnāt get that sentiment at the time. To me, why wouldnāt you want to see your friends everyday in person? That would be great. But I think I get it now. Iām afraid that if I ever met any of you someday it wouldnāt be the same. Iām not really the same in person. Iām bad at talking, bad at connecting. Iām not a proper person. But I feel like thatās okay. Itās okay to just exist on here as I am. While my friend was talking to me on our drive back to her place (we carpooled) she was telling me about her life. And she was apologizing like āoh Iām sorry I keep talking about myselfā but quite honestly I was glad to just be able to listen. At some point my friend kept asking me what was up so I decided maybe Iāll tell them the arcane secrets of how Iāve been into guardian and how all the characters rlly hit for me for personal reasons. That was really the only thing I thought that was of note to tell her about. Really I donāt think Iāve done or felt much new since I last talked to her. But as I was trying to explain I just wasnāt doing it right. She just didnāt get it and trying to talk about something like that just made me embarrassed to the point where I just dropped it and tried to just say, āoh yea, you got it, thatās it.ā and move along bc I didnāt think sheād get it. Sheās the type that doesnāt really get how you can make meaningful connections online. So whenever I try to talk to her about certain things, it just doesnāt register. Iāve learned to choose my battles. I didnāt really think she wanted to get it. So I didnāt tell her. I tried telling her about stuff I liked in the past and I just always stop halfway through. I canāt communicate properly. I canāt speak in a way that I think is worthy of being heard. So I donāt talk. It frustrates me to no end. It feels like everyone else can do it so easily, that Iām the wrong one.Ā
I had another friend from Uni message me about something and she was like āso whatās new with you, twinā (we have similar bdays and get along well so we call each other that) and tbh I just, didnāt know what to tell her. I had talked to her in a long time, so things had happened but nothing so easily said that I could just tell her over text. SO I just was like āwork, school, yk how it isā and yea. I really am the one choosing not to let people in. It frustrates me to no end but I donāt know what a good starting point is ever. I feel like I should just send all my IRLS my long reflection essays next time they wanna know what's up. All the secrets to why I am the way I am are in there.
Iām scared of telling people how I feel about anything. IRL when I say something I often speak quietly, moreso like Iām only talking to myself. People often donāt hear what I had to say. And I donāt repeat myself. If it was something someone didnāt hear, in my head, that means that it wasnāt important enough to repeat. Iām afraid of talking and being misunderstood and never being able to be interpreted the way I mean. I want to convey all my thoughts correctly the first time. So i donāt repeat myself, not bc Iām mad at the person who didnāt hear me. Itās not about them, itās about me. I donāt believe my words to be worth repeating. I donāt want anyone to stop the conversation for me. Just keep going, it wonāt come out the right way anyways. I was taking a uquiz a week or so ago and one question was āwhat power do you wantā and one option was smth like the power of comprehension. Which would make it so every time you spoke, that person would understand you the way you intended. That is the most ideal power for me to ever possess like it was unreal. Iām still thinking about that quiz. It was good.
I know that Iām worth being listened to and that my words are valuable enough to be heard but I donāt want to do that. Iād rather listen. I only like talking when itās safe like it is here. Iām trying my best to get better though. I keep saying that I want to be a proper adult. I want to live right and without regrets and i really think communication is key to that. Iām trying. Itās hard but Iām trying. But still, I can only talk here a lot.Ā I canāt talk any other way. I donāt tell my friends about my interests, it embarasses me to no end.Ā
Being on here is comforting though. When I talk about stuff like this, I always see a lot more people than usual like my post. I feel like you can all relate. Really, people are more similar than not. We all have very similar burdens and pains and baggage. Itās comforting, I'm not alone. My words might be able to help someone. Because when all of you talk about the same things, i also feel seen and comforted and since we are so similar, then the same is true for the things I say.
But anyways, I did a lot of listening tonight, and it reflects the sentiment above. People are the same. I was listening to my friendās friend talking about her mom earlier and the entire time, I really resonated with what she was saying. I got it. Her momās situation was really similar to my own momās situation in the past. And I was just amazed at how I barely knew this girl but I felt really similar to her. I saw her differently after learning all that. It was really a great thing. ANd on the way home, my friend was telling me about her life recently and some things andi really understand what she was going through. I didnāt say anything, because again, I don't like to interrupt. And when I try and be like āoh me too, it's the same for me tooā I feel like Iām derailing. I know Iām not but I really think she needed to say her piece. So I let her. But the entire time, I thought about the things in my life that were the same as what she was feeling and it was beautiful. Life and human bonds are beautiful. Even when they are hard and messy and annoying, people all want the same things. They want to be loved and seen and understood. And in those moments when we feel seen, itās worth more than any of those complicated feelings that come along with it. Not to be cheesy but wowā¦ in order to reap the rewards of being loved, you really do need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. I was glad I didnāt stay home watching a drama. I was glad that I went out. No matter how alienated I feel from others, thereās still merit in being around other people. No matter how much others may misunderstand you and annoy you, they are almost always worth more than being alone. That;s because deep down, weāre all the same.
Iām not good at reminding myself that. As I said here, I donāt let people see me. I donāt let people in, Iād rather keep them out. Iām a picky, boring person. I donāt like people easily and I donāt tell them much. I stay inside my own head and I donāt like to come out. I was raised that way. But people are worth it. Communication is worth it, no matter how hard. Itās all worth it. I need to try harder so I can be a person who is able to see and enjoy more beauty in this world. I spent my hr long drive home listening to music and ruminating on these thoughts, trying to plan out all the words I wanted to say here. I donāt think I said any of it right. Iām not satisfied with how I write nowadays. But writing, talking, conveying emotions, all of these things are worth doing. So no matter how crooked and awkward it comes out, I will keep doing it. It is my goal.Ā
#š.txt#i wrote this last night bc i had a lot of thoughts driving home and the entire time i was out but they didnt translate well to type#i tried fixing it this morning and its still just off and im sock at reading it so into the void it goes#honestly i could make a playlist to describe my emotiona better at this point but ill never listen to those songs again.. ita just the like#uesterdays vibe#anyways good morning tho.. im gonna make a cup of coffee and take a shower now#i love u all im glad ur here
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Iām genuinely concerned about Twitter stan culture like itās genuinely gotten out of hand. I deleted Twitter way back in the summer and Iāve never been happier. It really feels like some peopleās parents just flat out didnāt teach them about internet safety. You would go on somebodyās carrd and find all their personal information including lists of their mental illnesses and triggers and then theyād be like āI love making friends please feel free to DM me anytime you need to vent or just want to chat even if we arenāt mutuals ilysmā and then all of their tweets would be like ātw/// ch*ld ab*se: my mom asked me to do the dishes today I hate her so muchā āI just spent the last hour cutting my wristsā ā*extensive personal anecdotes that reveal a ton of personal information*ā and just.... do they not realize that the internet is not, in fact, their personal diary and can actually be very dangerous? And man everyone on there is extremely sensitive to the point where I genuinely cannot comprehend how they function in the real world. Repeat after me: THE INTERNET IS NOT YOUR SAFE SPACE. Not to mention the performative activism and insane identity politics. I swear Iām not one of those people who goes on and on about how annoying āwokeā culture is because I mean a lot of modern activism is very constructive but the way that people on Twitter do it is just not very helpful at all.
yeah i still use twitter but itās definitely not my main social media anymore and i feel like...the complete disregard for online safety is probably at its worst on there tbh. like even if youāre not giving away your address or phone number, sharing your age/face/name/general location is still...not good! and itās a hell of a lot easier to find people irl these days. and itās not as if only your friends are going to read your carrd with all your triggers, because people who want to use that information against you WILL jump at that chance. i try to beĀ conscious of the info i share about myself online and even then iāve been online long enough to receive threatening messages and been sent content that would upset me, and i shudder to think whatās going to happen to the kids who tell the entire internet the things that will specifically send them on a downward spiral, attached to photos of themselves and open dms.
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I got thinking after one of your last asks and I thought about mo again and how he doesnāt let people in easily. He has big walls up and he doesnāt let people close. Like even buzzcut who kind of seems to be a good friend of his and who he has known for some time is still someone who he keeps at a distance. I was thinking that maybe he started closing off and letting people in and accepting their affection since his father was taken to prison? Maybe heās kind of afraid to let people love him [1]
Hi there~ Well, that was quite a read!
What you said about Mo not letting people in easily is very true. The boy is used to having his walls up, and heās nearly always on his guard. Nevertheless, Iām not sure I would call it a direct consequence of his father being taken away.Ā
During the restaurant assault, Mo is shown to be very young, supposedly a pre-schooler. Did it traumatize him? Certainly. Parent separation hits young children very hard, and I cannot overemphasise the importance of a child having a notable caregiver figure in their lives. Whether thereās a good reason for the parental absence or not, it always leaves a mark on a childās psyche. His father ending up locked up is a deep wound that nobody but his mother tried to stitch up. Also, I low-key suspect that his father might have been imprisoned on false charges, or that his case might not add up -- itās not a simple āheās done wrong, heās an offenderā.
What do we see when Mo goes to school? We see other young children judge Mo by his cover -- by the rumours of his father being an inmate (they are children, and children tend to be cruel). As soon as they hear the word āprison/criminalā they stop listening and then nothing else matters. When accused of stealing, Mo immediately starts a fight āto prove others wrongā, which only worsens the deal. The cruellest thing is that nobody bothered to actually learn anything about his father, yet all of them tried to poke that wound. Presumably, this situation had occurred many times more, leading Mo to close off and push people away -- why bother, if they all gonna poke around an old wound, either in order to make fun of him or out of idle curiosity? If they want to believe heās savage, let them -- at least that keeps them away. And the rest is just as you said, She Li, gang, etc. So his fatherās imprisonment certainly precipitated the growth of Moās hard shell, but it's not an immediate factor. What affected him immediately is the school milieu, other children being ignorant douchebags, She Li being a sadistic prick, etc.
Regarding his mom, I do think that Mo might have felt like he was a burden to her at some point. She works a lot just to keep them both afloat, and on top of that, she has to deal with those debt collectors. Mo wanted to drop out in order to start earning money -- no doubt, in order to take that burden off her shoulders.Ā
Given how others treated him, I could see Mo growing up to believe that no one but his mother truly loved him or cared for him and that he can only trust his family. That anyone else simply pretends to play nice in order to get close and fuck him over. Itās a common mentality among those who experienced bullying in childhood or adolescence. Almost all of them face the trouble of opening up.
Concerning He Tian, a lot has been said regarding his difficulty expressing his feelings, so Iām not gonna repeat myself. I see no point in crucifying either Mo or He Tian for the way they are. Both of them grew up without much needed emotional buffer -- Mo needed to be strong for his mom in order not to give her any more trouble than what she already had, and He Tian was brought up by He Cheng who isnāt all that emotionally expressive or affectionate. It goes without saying that their abilities to love and trust had been impaired. The important thing is that they are beginning to actually learn about each other, and thatās a first step to leaving their old habits behind. True, they often take a step forward, then two steps back, but thatās what makes their relationship dynamic true to life. They are just kids. They have a whole lot of maturing to do and a lot of things to learn through trial and error. Thatās what growing up is about -- making mistakes, learning from them, making some more.Ā
Iām also of a mind that they might do sexual stuff before embarking on a romantic relationship precisely for the reasons you mentioned. It might feel āsaferā for both of them. For Mo, physical closeness might be akin to a fight -- yes it could hurt, but a flesh wound heals itself, while a wounded heart festers, so sex might be less scary for him than opening up emotionally and letting himself get emotionally attached. For HT, itās easier to show his affection through actions, rather than words, because as mentioned earlier, the boy has trouble with expressing feelings. Lastly, there's a lot of tension between them which at that age could easily transition from fights to sexual stuff. I don't see it as something entirely improbable or out of character for both of them, which is why I'm chill with the whole idea of them sleeping with each other, and then realizing that there's so much more to it than just sex.Ā Ā
As youāve put it, their progress is neither fast nor linear, but keeping in mind their past experiences, it is to be expected. It would be weird if they managed to overcome YEARS of being mistreated and deprived in a matter of weeks. Irl it takes people many months of therapy to tackle their issues and leave the past behind before they can function and maintain healthy bonds. Give them time and cut them some slack.Ā
Anyway, those are my two cents (hopefully at least some of it makes sense) and Iāll call it a day.
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Little Coincidences
The F/O? Giovanni Potage from Epithet Erased. The S/I? Rachel Scribere - mundie, writer of much fanfiction, independent contractor supervillainous minion who has also given up on adulting. (Most of those things apply to me IRL!) This is the one where Iām REALLY banking on no one who went to high school with me following me on Tumblr right now, because I get into some personal-ish stuff here that was very specific to my graduating class. I just...wanted my current f/o to show up a ghost from my past. And what are f/oās for, if not that?
***
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā It started when Giovanni ran past me, pressed a marker into my hand, and yelled, ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½MARKER FIGHT!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Yes, there is context. I wanted to simulate the exact sense of confusion for you that I felt when he did that.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā To be clear, it was during down time in the āevil lairā that our sector of Blasters had taken over ā a public library that had been defunded by the city but never torn down, so really, it was a bunch of empty bookshelves (where you could occasionally find an old and really weird book theyād missed on the clear-out) where no one would think to look for us because this entire building was basically a health hazard. We were only about ninety-five percent sure there wasnāt asbestos in the walls.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Also, if Iāve talked before about the mall incident, or the kiss before the skyline ā this was before that. A lot before that. Back when I knew I liked Giovanni in the romantic sense, but he wasnāt exactly aware of that, nor did he really like me in that way. No, this was when I was a pining idiot and we were just friends.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā At which point he shoved a marker into my hand.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWhat the fuck?ā I asked.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āMARKER FIGHT,ā he repeated, as though that explained everything.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The worst part was that it actually did.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā See, I hadnāt wanted to say it at that time, but it frightened me. Iād seen this done before, in one very specific place. How had he known? āJust to be clear,ā I said deliberately, āthis is that game where each of us wields a marker of a different color, we LARP it out, drawing on someone is a āwound,ā and we tally the winner by who has the most of their color on everyone else?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āGood. I was worried Iād have to explain the whole thing to you. Now we can skip the tutorial phase and go right to the EVERY-BOY-FOR-HIMSELF RIVALRY!ā He let out a raucous and malicious-sounding cackle for about thirty solid seconds before telling me, āYou get a ten-second head start.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I wasted no time bolting away from him, darting at random zigzags through the shelves to avoid any other Blasters who were playing. Then I heard the triumphant scream of āTIME IS UP, COMPOSER!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā At which point I almost ran into Ben.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āOh, SWEET!ā he cried, raising a red marker high. āMaybe this is how I finally get the nickname āStabbyā!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I screamed as he put a red mark across my forehead. I then retaliated, drawing a line of cobalt-blue down his ear as though lopping it off.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āMY EAR!ā Ben screeched. āSHE VAN-GOGHED ME!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I used his cries to dart away around the shelvesā¦right into the same area as Crusher.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSo,ā he growled, raising his lime-green marker. āItās come to thisā¦ROMANTIC RIVAL.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āDonāt try me right now,ā I warned, showing him my deep-blue pseudo-dagger. āIām armed and dangerous.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āI think the only way to settle our mutual affections for the Boss is to duel to the death.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSo you have chosen death, then.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā It was rather obvious why Crusher and I didnāt really get along most days. However, for a few minutes, we kind of forgot that we were supposed to hate each other. I managed to leave several long blue lines up Crusherās arms, screaming āSUBMIT! SUBMIT!ā, until suddenly I was pinned down, getting green scribbled down my entire face as Crusher roared, āSURRENDERRRRRR!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā From a row away, Ben groaning, āCome onnnnn, you know I have dibs on āStabbyā! Donāt ruin this for me!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Suddenly, Crusherās eyes widened; āIāVE BEEN HIT!ā He rolled over onto his back, making exaggerated, dramatic death noises.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āCOMPOSER!ā Spike, the one whoād perpetrated the fatal silver blow, extended a hand to me. āTEMPORARY ALLIANCE!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I let her help me up just in time for Flamethrower to skid into the area, striking several cheerleader-precision poses with flair as he brandished his fire-orange marker.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āAVENGE MEEEEEE!ā Crusher yelled.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Flamethrowerās cheerleading practice was put to good use. Spike and I combined couldnāt stymie him; he danced circles around us, and our skin displayed orange marks of his prowess. Meanwhile, Crusher changed ādeathā positions five times, making louder groans each time to try and get attention.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āCRUSHERRRRR!ā this from Darkstar, whoād just skidded onto the scene. āNOOOOOO! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āTHEY DID IT!ā Flamethrower jabbed his marker at Spike and myself.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHE DID IT!ā we yelled, pointing back at him.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āFLAMETHROWER!ā Darkstar accused. āHOW COULD YOU?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āME? BUT ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āTHIS MEANS WAAAAAAR!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā As Team Composer finally got the upper hand on Flamethrower, Darkstar paused to whisper to me, āI know one of you two got him, but Iāve been waiting for WEEKS to get Flamethrower back for eating my pudding out of the staff lounge.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā We didnāt argue.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Behind the shelf, Ben yelled, āOh, where was this when you found ME stabbed?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā We all froze when the sound of a running motor alerted us to the impending horror.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āā¦Please tell me Boss decided to bring his Vespa into this to spice it up,ā I said, voicing what we were all thinking. āPlease, please, please tell me it was NOT hijacked by ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Our worst fears were confirmed when Car Crash came driving Giovanniās scooter around the corner at top speed, his marker taped to the handlebars; āBEEP BEEP, FUCKERS!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā All of our rivalries were gone. We screamed and ran as one herd of panicked cattle, trying to get as far away as possible from Car Crash on a stolen motorized vehicle. At some point, Ben ended up in our crowd. I didnāt bother asking.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā As it turned out, we were all playing right into the hands of the enemy. We hurried to the circular area around the childrenās info desk only to find the area quickly filling up with a thick mist. Mist that smelledā¦suspiciously delicious.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āNO!ā I screeched. āMISSION ABORT! MISSION ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā It was too late. We were trapped in the Fog of Lost Souls.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āBOSS, NO!ā Crusher dropped to his knees. āSPARE ME! PLEASE! I LOVE YOU!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āI LOVE YOU MORE!ā Spike screeched. āSPARE ME INSTEAD!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I couldnāt even see either of them. Somehow, weād all gotten horribly separated. The distinct sound of Car Crash running the Vespa into the info desk and groaning, āAw, man!ā resounded.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The maniacal laughter Iād heard earlier when gifted my weapon sounded again, but louder, and from on high ā he was standing on top of one of the bookshelves. āYOU POOR, SIMPLE FOOLS! ā¦WhoIloveverymuchandhateinsultingbutthisisaroleplay. YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO YOUR OWN DOOM! Alliances and loyalty mean nothing in this bloodthirsty war! NONE OF YOU SHALL BE SPARED! TELEPORTS RAPIDLY BEHIND EVERYONE!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Iām half convinced he actually did teleport this time, because the screams sounded from everyone right in order of one another; somehow, Giovanni was able to locate each of us within his fog and strike out, drawing glitter-gold wounds on each of us in strategic locations. I could feel the cool ink swipe hard across the back of my neck.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I did the only thing one could do, which was to drop to my knees and scream in faux anguish. Then slump to the floor as if well and truly decapitated.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā When the fog cleared, it turned out all of us had had the same idea, lying strewn about like a murder scene. Even the Vespa had been drawn on in metallic gold ink in the confusion and was lying toppled.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Atop the info desk, Giovanni laughed triumphantly, hoisting his marker to the ceiling. āYOU ARE DEALING WITH NO MERE MORTAL! THIS WAR WAS LOST THE MOMENT IT WAS BEGUN!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWould it be foul play to act like we were all just playing dead and then rush him at once?ā I muttered.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā To my surprise, it was Crusher of all people who answered back, āNo, it wouldnāt.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā We all knew what we had to do.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHey ā ā Giovanni nearly fell back off the desk. āBoys ā no ā YOUāRE ALL DEAD ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I yelled āFAKEOUT!ā at the same time that Spike yelled āMUTINY!ā and Ben yelled āZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā We charged, climbing up onto the desk. It was your standard library info desk ā at least standard to all the ones Iād seen ā meaning it was semicircular in design. Giovanni fell back onto the floor right in the middle of the circlular area. After a brief pause in which he assured us, āIām fine; please continue,ā we vaulted over the desk en masse and drew on every bit of exposed skin to the sounds of his tortured screams.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā It was the most fun Iād had on the Blasters since becoming a Blaster-adjacent independent contractor villain. However, I still couldnāt shake how haunting it was that I had already known the rules of marker war. There was no way ā I hadnāt gone to school with any of the Blasters, and my family hadnāt even started out in Sweet Jazz City. And I wasnāt sure at all how to address this.
Ā ***
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The second incident was also in the library, a few days later. I was heading into the employee lounge (which had originally, when it was a functioning library, beenā¦an employee lounge) with my phone so I could make a highly sensitive business call about appraising a hijacked load of game consoles, followed up by a dentist appointment Iād been putting off.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā One minute, I was strolling into the lounge, strutting like any villain would, phone in hand. And the next, I was sitting on the floor, heart racing with adrenaline, someoneās scream ringing in the air.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā It took me a moment to realize that scream was mine.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā It was followed up by laughter ā a slowly building wheeze into an outright chortle. āComposerrrrrr! I knew youād freak, but not like THAT!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I replayed the events in my mind. What had happened in that missing flash was that someone whoād been hiding behind the door frame had leapt at me and jumpscared me while I had been on my way into the lounge.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Not just any someone. No, one very specific fanged, pink-haired ball of energy.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āGIOVANNIā¦POTAGE,ā I growled, slowly turning my head to regard him.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā He had tears in his eyes now from laughing so hard. āYou shouldāve seen your face,ā he squeaked. āIt was the most beautiful thing Iāve ever seen in my life!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Well, Iād always wanted to hear that from him, but not in that context.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āIā¦am goingā¦to kill you,ā I growled.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā With an āEek!ā, Giovanni realized he needed to run, and he did so.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I needed a weapon. The fridge was the first thing I saw. Throwing open the door, I saw a pack of pudding cups labeled āDARKSTARāS (donāt touch, Flamethrower!!!ā). And nothing else.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I did not feel sorry for Darkstar one bit.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Armed with chocolate pudding, I barreled through the rows of shelves, looking for my wayward boss. Oh, donāt get me wrong. I wasnāt entirely angry. I wasnāt that angry at all. But when your crush jumpscares you, that is just not something you let go without having some fun.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I happened upon him behind the first-floor stairway, where I backed him up against the underside of the stairs. āNOT THE FACE!ā he screeched as he put up both arms.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā And I lost resolve.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā When a few seconds had passed and Giovanni found himself not pelted with pudding, he asked, āHey, what gives?ā as though legitimately frustrated with me. āYou caught me! Now you gotta dish out what I gave to you! Geez, did you forget everything I told you about villainy and revenge?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āThis isnāt right,ā I muttered. āSorry for wasting your time. Iāll go now.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I hadnāt meant it to sound that melodramatic. Anyway, I turned on a heel to return the pudding to its home.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWhoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!ā Giovanni seized my wrist as I turned away, and I felt my heart flutter. āComposer, this isnāt like you! Whereās the vicious femme fatale I mentored into villainous perfection?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I froze. āActually doing anything about the jumpscare is more effective at scaring people off than the scare itself, believe it or not.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWhat the hell? What even is that crap? Just get me back already! Stop being weird!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Maybe, just maybe, Iād gotten this all wrong.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā So I started slowly and deliberately unwrapping the lid of the first pudding cup right there in front of him.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āNow RIGHT IN THE FACE!ā Giovanni encouraged.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I gave him a quizzical look.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āCome onnn, Composer! I donāt have all day!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā So I slopped the pudding onto his face halfheartedly.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSeriously?ā he sighed. āYou can do way better than that.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYouāre right,ā I realized. āI can.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā So I smacked the second one onto his nose, full stop.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āNow THATāS what I call some DELICIOUS VENGEANCE!ā Giovanni laughed. āBut seriously. I have things to do. Important, evil things.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āOkay. I still have to make those calls.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āIn the lounge?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYeah.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āā¦Could you do me a favor and get me a soda from the gas station across the street first? Iām thirsty and decaffeinated.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I shrugged, rather confused but not about to be rude about it. āSure. Be right back.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āIāll come pick it up from you in the lounge.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā It wasnāt until I was repeating my steps that I realized the ruse. āOh, no fuckinā way,ā I muttered as I approached the lounge.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I shook the plastic soda up good and hard. Then chucked it into the lounge.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHYEEEAH!ā Giovanni yelled as he revealed himself to scare an inanimate bottle of soda. āā¦Wait.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āREALLY?ā I groaned, rolling my eyes.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āIt was hilarious!ā Giovanni argued. āYouāre the best person to scare!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āI do need to actually get some work done today, you know.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āFiiiiine,ā Giovanni sighed. āIāll leave you alone. Just ā ā His eyes widened as he thought of something. āHey, you donāt mind me hanging out in here while you make your calls, do you?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Just me and the object of my affections hanging out alone in a room? What was he playing at?
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSee,ā he went on mischievously, āif youāre in here making a call like nothingās wrong, and another Blaster sees you from the outside of the doorā¦ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āTheyāre going to assume there is absolutely no one waiting to scare them behind it,ā I realized. āYouāre a fucking genius, Boss.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āI know.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āDeal.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā As I took my seat, bringing out my phone, Giovanni had retrieved the soda bottle. āI am pretty thirsty, though ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āBOSS, DONāT ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The minute he opened the cap, it exploded into a geyser that soaked him.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I couldnāt make my call for a solid fifteen minutes due to laughing too goddamn hard.
Ā ***
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The camelās back broke when we were alone together at the strategy table, going over some reconnaissance notes Iād brought back from a surveillance mission.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSo anyway, I think we have the best chance from one of these three windows,ā I explained, cycling through flash cards Iād taped photos to. āWe could test for alarms by chucking a good old-fashioned brick through the glass.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āOr a bottle of soda that was shaken up,ā Giovanni teased.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I laughed. And also flushed. I hated that he was so goddamn oblivious, sometimes.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āI mean, itās practically your specialty!ā he argued, leaning back in his chair and setting his ankles on the table, crossing them, one over the other.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The problem was that it was Casual Friday. Which was not an official Blaster protocol, but rather something that Giovanni himself had developed for this specific faction. Heļæ½ļæ½d thought it would improve morale, and he was right. I myself had resorted to a pair of sweatpants and a band T-shirt that didnāt match. He was wearing a pair of battered jeans and a favorite gray sweater of his, edged in white faux fur. That much I had known.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I hadnāt seen his shoes yet.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā And right before my eyes, one over the other, he crossed a pair of red Converse high-tops.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The strategy meeting was abandoned. I slammed my flash cards on the table, rising up and yelling, āWHO TOLD YOU?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āOKAY, I ADMIT IT!ā he screamed, looking like Iād gotten him with his hands in the cookie jar. āBEN RATTED HIM OUT BECAUSE BENāS A SNITCH!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHOW. DID BEN. KNOW ABOUT HIM?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āBECAUSE HE WAS IN THE LOUNGE THAT DAY AND SAW HIM TAKING IT!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I flinched. āWeāre not on the same page, are we?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYouāreā¦not asking me about how Ben ratted on Flamethrower for taking Darkstarās pudding, and I told Darkstar because I thought it would be funny to start shit?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I wasnāt really sure where to take that. āā¦No.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āThennnnnn what are we talking abouuuuut?ā His voice rose a little bit on every word to express his utter confusion.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I sighed heavily. āSo you didnāt hear anything about my high school?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āNo.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āNothing. Not a thing.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āComposer, I have no idea where this is going.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I sat back down. āThis is a complicated story. You donāt wanna ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Instantly, Giovanni had repositioned, leaning across the table excitedly. āIS THIS WHERE I GET TO FINALLY HEAR ABOUT THE DARK AND TRAGIC PART OF YOUR BACKSTORY THAT DROVE YOU TO A LIFE OF CRIME?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I found myself smiling. āI mean, my parents arenāt dead ghosts. I gotta have some raison dāetre, right?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āTell me. Tellmetellmetellme.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I couldnāt look him in the eye. āSoā¦when I was in high school, there was thisā¦guy.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āOoh. This sounds promising.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āAnd I really wantedā¦ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Oh, God. I couldnāt tell Giovanni that I was acting this way because of someone Iād had an obsessive crush on. Then he might make the connection that I had a similar one on him. (I had greatly overestimated how canny Giovanni could be about such things. This was back in the day when you could tell him upfront you loved him more than life itself and he wouldnāt get it.)
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āā¦to be his friend.ā And sadly, that was probably the heart of it, more than the romance aspect itself. āHe was very loud and weird. But in a good way. Or so I thought, anyway. Not like I was alone, either. Everyone in my school wanted to be near him. EVERYONE. When he changed school districts our last year, there was literally a CROWD of girls around him at his locker begging him to tell them contact info. While I sat several feet away, pretending to read my book, hoping that heād notice me for NOT being part of the crowd. What a load of bullshit. Then, of course, there are so many guys who claimed to be straight and hung around him just a little too closelyā¦he was that pretty. He was REALLY pretty. And he was smart and he was charismatic and he was fun andā¦he justā¦he never wanted to interact with me. Heād throw me just enough of a bone to keep the flame alive, and then act like I wasnāt even real. Probably because I was super dumb and immature back then. Like, way super dumb. I would try to play along with his stunts and heād blow me off. I finally became disillusioned when heā¦broke a rule, later on. It doesnāt matter. It was dumb. But I told myself heād crossed a moral event horizon. I let myself believe it was that one incident for years. ā¦It was never about that. It was about how I wanted to be close to him for years, and he wouldnāt let me in, and he wouldnāt completely shut me out, either. Though maybe thatās my fault for not justā¦walking up to him and asking him to be my friend. Iāve always been chickenshit.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSoā¦what makes you think I know about him?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Giovanniās tone struck me as strangely sympathetic. I chanced looking into his eyes ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Oh, God. Wrong move. How had I never noticed they were that brilliantly pink before? I mean, I had known they were pink, but this was like having a rose-colored spotlight turned on me. And were those little gold flecks in the iris? Or was my crush-filter just seeing things?
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā But once I stopped seeing the trees, I got a good look at the forest. I couldnāt remember having seen Giovanni so pensive. So concerned, yet in a way that wasnāt over an injury sustained by a teammate or the impending arrival of the police. He was genuinely getting sad off this story.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āā¦Because the little quirks I fell for him for are just weirdly similar to the stuff youāve been doing this week,ā I admitted. āHe and his posse did marker war all the time. I think his was red? I always wanted to play in the marker war. It looked like they were having so much fun, and I wanted to face off against him. And then the jumpscare. He did that to me, once. Almost exactly the same way you did. Thatās where I learned the tactic of throwing an inanimate object through the door. He got me good, and I got mad, and then we never talked about it, if he thought it was funny or what. I thought maybe he thought I was ACTUALLY mad, and that scared him off.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSo THATāS why you didnāt exact your chocolatey revenge.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āBingo. I was just terrible at talking about my feelings, so I just insulted him a lot instead of being honest. It was probably all my fault. And the shoes. He had a pair like that. Exactly like that. I used to try and get his attention byā¦ā I let out a long, deep sigh. āTelling him they looked like they were run over by a ketchup truck.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āThatās not a bad one-liner.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āāKETCHUP TRUCKā ISNāT A BAD ONE-LINER?ā I shook my head. āAnyway. I dunno. I can never figure out if he was just an ass or if I was justā¦ā I sighed. āThese are just coincidences, arenāt they?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYeah,ā Giovanni confirmed. āThey are. I thought I invented marker war. If you ever see this guy again, tell him I gotta sue him for the rights. And I wear these shoes ācause theyāre devil-may-care and hot-rod red, keeping my aesthetic suitably edgy even when out of uniform. ā¦Theyāre also comfy.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSo I just told you all that for no reason. Like a dumbass. It isnāt even that great of a tragic backstory, is it?ā I was laughing then, to try and cover up how absolutely sheepish I felt. āYou didnāt need to know any of that, and nowwwww itās all awkward.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āNot awkward. Justā¦really confusing.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHow so?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Giovanni gave me a dramatic shrug; āWhy didnāt he wanna hang out with you? Youāre GREAT at marker war! You fit right in! And youāre honestly the most fun person Iāve ever scared! You think any of the boys freak out that hard? That was hilarious! Youād better watch your back now, because youāve given me an incentive to try and do it SO much more.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I wanted to make some kind of snappy retort about throwing soda bottles. However, it felt like I was receiving a catharsis long overdue. Maybe it didnāt matter who was wrong and who was right, back then. Because now, I had someone who did want to have fun with me.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Just as a friend, I thought. But maybe that was all that mattered, and the crush could be dealt with later.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āI was so much worse back then,ā I tried to argue. āI was hyper.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSo you mean you were even MORE fun?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I almost wanted to cry.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWhoa, hey, hey, hey!ā Seeing the perturbation on my face, Giovanni rushed around the table, lightly putting his hands on my shoulders as he knelt beside my chair. āYouāre plenty fun to hang with, Composer! Every day, Iām really glad I helped you get started in the villain biz and invited you into the lair! I meanā¦back when I was in high school and I tried to do stuff like that for fun, nobody really paid attention to me, either, and I wouldāve KILLED for someone to actually think I was cool instead of justā¦some weirdo who wore capes to school and drew original supervillain characters for all my art projects.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYou wore a cape?ā I asked. āThat is so cool!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYeah, well, no one said that THEN.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āBut it was! Now Iām kinda wishing we couldāve gone in the same graduating class.ā And also wishing that he would never take those hands off of me, ever.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āNOYOUDONāT,ā he said hurriedly. āBecause I wasā¦ummmmā¦I was a juvenile delinquent, and you were obsessed with rules! Yeah! And I justā¦wasnāt the person youād want me to be.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I wouldnāt figure out until a later discussion what that meant, truly, and it had nothing to do with breaking or following rules. But that doesnāt have to be tread upon now. āActually, youāre right. Better things happened the way they did.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSo what else did that loser not do with you for fun?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHe was the most popular kid in our entire school,ā I muttered. āNo one thought he was a loser except me.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYeah, because you actually have a BRAIN in there! And I say he was a LOSER!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I smiled at him. āI guessā¦I dunno, I always heard he was great at dancing. And I always wished we could dance. Probably just because of societal and cultural expectations. But Iām a shit dancer. Like, there was this whole movement dedicated to making fun of ā where are you going?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Giovanni beckoned for me to follow him; āCome on!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWasnāt this originally a strategy meeting?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āDonāt care! Weāre breaking the rules, baby!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I followed him back to the staff lounge, where I watched him struggle to push the table off to the side. He got it out of the way before I could offer my help, then flitted to the radio sitting on the counter by the sink. āLetās see hereā¦ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I could feel my face filling with heat. āBoss, I donāt think this is a great idea.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āShut up. Itās my idea, so itās a great one.ā He was cycling through the stations. āNo, no, no, no, no, no ā PERFECT!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā What heād found was an anti-authoritarian anthem currently on the rock top 40. Not exactly what youād think of as a dance number, but it had enough of a beat that I could work with it if pressed.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Which he would have to do a lot of if he wanted to see me make an idiot out of myself like that.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āCome on!ā he encouraged. āShow me some moves!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āIāll look stupid!ā I hissed.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āSO? You donāt see that stopping me from doing literally anything!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āā¦Did you even hear how that sounded coming out of your mouth? Also, this isnāt a dance song!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āUm, itās a song, so you can dance to it.ā He gave a long, drawn-out sigh. āAre you really gonna make me start this?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āOh, no, you donāt n ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āCut in whenever.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I wasnāt sure how him starting to dance was supposed to encourage me at all. Because Iāll be honest: he was probably only an average dancer. But I was below average, and looking at him through the crush-filter. He looked like the most graceful living being Iād ever beheld with my two eyes, spinning and rocking in time with the heavy guitar.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I was not going to look good next to that.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Of course, this was not any ordinary man I was dealing with. It was Giovanni Potage. Meaning he had a contingency plan. Without any warning whatsoever, he seized my hand and pulled me into a spin with him, and then, well, I was already in motion, so I had to keep going.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā By the third song, it didnāt even feel awkward anymore. I just felt alive. I know I looked like an absolute dork, but I had stopped caring, throwing out arms and leaping about to the hard tempo of every dark anthem. The fourth song was a personal fave of mine ā with an incredibly complex guitar riff that just begged a person to go double-time. As I attempted to execute a series of spins to match, I simply lost balance and fell over, hitting the table on my way down.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Stupid. Idiot. Why was I doing this? Iād just made an ass of myself in front of ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Without even really pausing, Giovanni dipped before me, offering his hand. I took it on instinct, then rose, letting him reel me right back in, so glad heād just hit resume where Iād slammed into pause mode.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā At last, I collapsed into the pushed-aside chair, panting heavily. āNo more,ā I heaved. āI needā¦to catchā¦my breath.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā He hopped up to sit on the tabletop beside me. āNow THAT was some fun,ā he remarked. āWe gotta do that more often.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā This was the same pitfall Iād dropped into so many times back in the day, with the ghost of my past. Making up excuses to get near him. Taking casual opportunities to interact with him without making my real intentions clear. Maybe this whole time, I was afraid that would drive him away.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Maybe this whole time, Iād been thinking of him as a jerkass without actually acknowledging how hard he really blew me off for three fucking years. So what if I wanted to get closer to Giovanni? We were friends. And I liked him. Maybe that would go somewhere. Maybe it wouldnāt. And most importantly, he wanted to dance with me.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYeah,ā I agreed. āWe should.ā
#selfship#i'm at soup!#and if it turns out any of my classmates IS reading this#i'll eat my personal fan
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hey actually I know Iāve been joking around but Iāmma. explain a few things cause Iāve been internally avoiding this topic for awhile cause I feel like Iām being an attention seeker if I go into detail about things. But uh friends are starting to notice lately Iāll explain. Iāll put it under the cut for anyone who doesnāt wanna read my icky stuff. Also yāall started sending in fun/chill asks while I was in the middle of writing this so sorry if it seems like itās come out of left field.
(tw for religion/christianity/religious abuse and LGBT+phobia/transphobia/panphobia)
First I wanna say Iām sorry for my eratic, often non-stim related activity on this blog. Iāve mentioned being depressed but I havenāt really gone into detail. Some of yāall know the situation with my dad leaving and me having to work to pay for the bills. Good news is that shit has been for the most part resolved. my dadās actually back and we patched up our relationship. I actually talk to him and communicate with him and him and my mom have worked things out. Which is nice cause now weāre all working and weāre all getting along better. So thatās nice.
But uh, during this time I started going to a church my mom and grandma attend. And I was kinda. a big deal there. I donāt wanna get into specifics but basically a lot of people know me now for it. And they made me feel special and good about myself. This part I know I talked about here before but uh. I wanted to be baptized on easter. And the guy who was going to do my baptism basically told me that either I break up with boo and go through what is essentially THEIR version of conversion therapy or he wonāt do the baptism. that may not sound like anything to you but that. that shit fucked me up. really bad. I really trusted the people there and I opened up in a way I hadnāt before and now I just feel. like Iām disgusting when Iām openly queer or donāt conform to cis standards. Which was an issue I had worked out and now Iām going through all over again. I can talk about it some days but then others I feel like I gotta. shut up about it. Itās easier to talk about it online but irl itās been much harder. And unfortunately the people at the church know where I work so on top of working a job I absolutely hate with a manager that DOES NOT like me, Iām constantly paranoid that someoneās going to walk in and recognize me (itās already happened, but Iām scared to death someone like the person who was going to do my baptism will show up. I canāt tell you how fucking scary it is when the guy who would only speak to you privately and in a secluded area that you need to give up your gay in order to truly be a Christian knows where you work and where you live.) and honestly, Iām just plagued with neverending anxiety at this point. And itās affected how I just. function. I donāt eat much anymore and I rarely get more than an average of 2-3 hours of sleep. I just realized today that for the past two days Iād eaten nothing but a hot pocket and a slim jim. Most of the time my anxiety makes me so sick to my stomach that eating feels impossible so I just. donāt. As for sleep I donāt really sleep because Iāve had constant and repeated nightmares so every time I hit rem Iām not in for long before Iām jolted awake. Last night was the first Iād actually slept for an appropriate time in months.
Iām dealing with a lot of shit rn, a lot of it is just. self loathing. So Iāve lost enjoyment in doing things that makes me happy cause I just donāt feel I deserve to be happy. Saying it out loud should make me. idk. know how to deal with it but it doesnāt. Thereās been more than just the shit with the church and Iāve realized Iām kinda an idiot! and no one wants to deal with me because Iām too depressed and because I donāt act allistic. And before you throw in yourĀ āI like you!ā asks 1. Iām not looking for sympathy and please donāt take this as a pity party, Iām just trying to explain things and 2. I donāt need people to lie for me or exaggerate things for me. Yāall donāt know what Iām like irl. I donāt follow social situations well, I mess up a lot, Iām too clumsy, Iām too much of a downer, I donāt wanna do anything anymore. Itās fine, I wasnāt cut out for this shit and I wouldnāt wanna deal with me either. No one owes me their time, affection, whatever. Iām not entitled to anyoneās praise. So, itās cool. Iām just coming to grips with how much I really donāt like myself.
And uh. After that experience with the church I lost my faith. I no longer consider myself a christian and losing my belief in the one thing I felt I could always trust has further ruined me. Every christian community Iāve tried to participate in has rejected me for who I am. And Iāve just come to realize I donāt believe in the same stuff that Christianity teaches. I wonāt go into super big details about my beliefs but yeah. These people would consider me a godless heathen at this point. And now I feel irrational anger or want to cry at christianity/topics about it. Which when you live in a Christian household with gospel music constantly playing and reminders about how much this god wants you to die for being a nasty faggot well, that shit is hard to deal with.
So yeah. I know right after this Iām gonna act more chill and more like myĀ āwho gives a fuckā self or. whoever the fuck he is. But people have noticed I donāt talk much anymore and that I havenāt been very active here. And Iām sorry about how inactive the blogās been lately. Idk if thisāll forever be on a hiatus, Iād like to do more here again. But I donāt do anything anymore. The most Iāve done is draw something for elly and thatās about it. Cause now every time I try to make something I enjoy all I can think about is how stupid it is and how stupid I am for wanting to enjoy it and then I end up doing nothing all day or I go to work and then come back and do nothing. so in the meantime Iām sorry if all I do is bitch or make stupid posts, Iām trying to communicate more before I eventually lose the will to try. and Iām sorry if this post makes things awkward because Iām about to answer more positive asks and act okay right after I post this, but Iāve been avoiding being honest about this for awhile and my anxiety got so bad today that the only thing thatās alleviated it has been writing this. So, Iām sorry to the people who I made worry or that it seems Iāve ignored. Iām not trying to ignore anyone, but I honestly canāt muster the energy to just simply interact with people lately. I donāt think Iāll be abandoning this blog but idk if Iām ready to manage it properly like I used to. idk when Iāll BE ready but Iām sorry to those whoāve had to deal with my bullshit and lack of stims lately.Ā
TL;DR: Iām in a deep depression because the church I attended/was passionate about/was a big deal in rejected me for being queer, Iām in a constant state of anxiety and/or despair, I no longer enjoy doing anything, I hate myself, I work a job I hate, and Iām going to go back to acting like shitās okay but people were suspecting something was wrong and theyāre starting to worry so hereās my explanation.
#not stim#Joker speaks#vent#long post#religion tw#LGBT+phobia tw#transphobia tw#panphobia tw#ask to tag#Mod Joker
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regarding recent absences
And other such updates!
If you want the tl;dr, here it is: my mental health isnāt in the greatest place right now, and I figured I ought to explain why I must ask you for continued patience for the snail speed on this blog. Iām not announcing official hiatus, but just know that I...might continue to be pretty scarce, but Iām trying my best to be here and to be writing here. To hopefully get me more active here, I plan on dropping a few threads and cleaning out my dash re: people who follow me but arenāt writing with me. Youāre more than welcome to keep following me if I unfollow you, and if you want to write with me and just havenāt gotten the chance and would like me to re-follow you, pls just go ahead and shoot me an im. I will be making a separate post about both those things, itās just that I canāt deal with how fast my dash is moving at the moment.
If you care for the long version, under the cut so as to not bother everyone else!!! Be warned that itās uh...itās l o n g. TW for depression and anxiety and the general things my brain does to me lolol.Ā
Wow I havenāt used the post title function in a l o n g time. Anyway, hi, itās me, Ro, your friendly neighborhood mun of a 20+ muse mumu. Donāt let the kind-of-serious format scare you - nothing bad is happening. I just have a few things that I felt the need to address that have been happening either in my life or just in my screwed up brain :D Buckle in and get ready for the ride, I guess?
Starting with something yāall already know about - Iāve not been here a lot recently. I joke about that a lot, but really, if you catch the pattern, my activity here is: exclusively after 10 pm, 2 drafts at most a day, inbox straight up clogged from like a month ago. IMS basically desolate, because I havenāt worked up the courage to pick them back up since I last forgot about them in the endless stream of things I had to do about a month ago! (that being said, uh, if you want to talk to me your best bet is probably through discord. Ro#6782 - pls, mutuals only, and tell me who you are!)Ā Ā
And - because I h a t e being that mun that reblogs memes and asks for for them and then never answers their askbox / puts out starter calls when she has 10000 drafts / puts out plotting calls when she has unanswered ims, (no problem at all when other people do this but somehow when itās m e Iām like āno youāre a terrible personā???? hmmm), Iāve also been avoiding t h o s e. If youāre new and you followed me in the last month, Iāve been putting out n o t h i n g that indicates a willingness to interact with new/more people, while the opposite is true. Iām always willing to interact - if I follow back, I want to write with you, only, well, aforementioned issue aside, I also have m o r e problems.
Namely, IRL and the fucked up thing called my brain.Ā
As most of you know, I got a job ~end of may or early juuuune~ and....well itās pretty damn time consuming. I canāt have my phone during the course of my job - by the way, 4 hours - and so in those 4 hours (from 4 pm to 8 pm) I can basically get nothing done here. Then thereās also the fact that the time my shift is placed mentally and physically drains me a lot. Because it starts at 4, most of my morning is spent thinkingĀ āgod I donāt wanna go to workā and because it ends at 8, most of my evening is spent trying very hard not to doze off. It also drains me a lot socially - I work at a call center, and all day Iām basically calling people who donāt want me to call them and are very irate even when they pick up, and uh, that already doesnāt do well for my anxiety haha.Ā
The other thing, of course - is my sort-of-seasonal depression. Winter tends to equate to anxiety for me, and summer tends to equate to depression. Again, I think Iāve joked about this a lot, but I apparently can only do drafts when I have 3 finals tomorrow and I havenāt studied for any of them. When itās break, I get into a really weird slump - when i wake up in the morning, I donāt really want to wake up, and sometimes just stare at the wall for like, an hour. Nothing that I enjoyed during the other months, I seem to enjoy doing now. Thereās too much time and too little time. Itās like i spent the whole day doing absolutely nothing meaningful but I canāt break myself out of the cycle so I keep doing that, rinse and repeat day after day, and sometimes my definition of spending time is just lying down in bed again and doing nothing for an hour randomly in the middle of the day. I feel guilty for wasting time as much as I am clueless as to how to fill it in a fulfilling way.Ā āBut Ro, you could do drafts!ā A Concerned Person May Say.Ā āYou like writing!ā Well, Kind Person, on some of these days, absolutely n o t h i n g Sparks Joy.Ā
āBut Ro, I follow you on your other blog too!ā The Concerned Person might continue.āYouāre kind of active there, arenāt you?ā And the answer, Kind Person who supported my career even if that blog is mostly obscure af fandoms - is yes.Ā I am kind of active on my other blog, @storyblcd. This brings us toĀ the third and final reason why Iām.....moving at snailās speed here, and that, my good friend - is anxiety. Well, mixed with a certain amount of mental exhaustion, of course. Note: this is n o t anyoneās fault. Peopleās interactions with me have not been negative - and they are not responsible for how my brain chooses to reaact to it.Ā
Iāve not lost muse for the muses on this blog, per se - but Iām getting burned out really fast writing them, for multiple reasons. First, muse imbalance. Now I know, I definitely k n o w - that sometimes people like one muse more than another, or have more interest in writing with one or the other, and I get that. Iāve said multiple multiple times that that is p e r f e c t l y fine. But honestly the reason Iāve lasted so long on a multimuse is because I can pick which muse I have muse for when, and I can respond accordingly / ask for interactions accordingly. ButĀ when I get so many people coming at me at once for the o n e muse when I have t w e n t y it sometimes gets a little? Discouraging? It makes me question whether or not only that one muse is popular for a reason. It also exhausts me re: the portrayal of that muse, because Iām putting out so many replies for that muse in a lot of sort of similar plots/scenarios that I just get burnt right out. And then I get scared that if I keep going Iāll want to drop the muse, so Iām staying away from those threads a little bit.
Second, Iām at a point in my portrayal of certain muses where I feel like thereās a certain expectation for how itās going to be. My personal feelings aside, I think every mun expects their own portrayal to be different and unique and exciting - and itās not different for me, only now I feel like the expectation and the pressure of coming up with something good and meaningful outweighs the feeling of exploration as IāmĀ ādiscoveringā the muse. Like most writers - I still crave validation, though more and more lately, Iām at a place in my writing where I f e e l like me from 2 months ago could have probably done a better job. While itās not necessarily true, and these pressures are coming from m e and not any outside source, I f e e l like I have to consistently Make Good Writing, and simultaneously feel like some days I sit down and I try to do drafts and all I write is garbage. It just - doesnāt feel the same? So - more and more, Iām staring at the empty drafts page and then closing it - because if I donāt w r i t e I donāt have to admit I peaked two months ago.Ā Ā
Both of these reasons have made me rather a bit avoidant of my muses here / this blog. Now, Iāve been struggling with anxiety for long enough that I know that a lot of this is - well, p r o b a b l y just my brain lying to me. See even as Iām writing this post now, my anxiety is saying āhaha guess what n o one cares youāve been goneā and my rational Anxiety-is-a-stupid-asshole voice is saying ānahhhhhh your brain is probably just lying to you.ā But! In the battle, anxiety is kind of pummeling me now. I will r i s e again and win the war, most likely - but for now itās anxiety: 1 and ro: 0.
AND finally - if you made it all the way down here, youāre a c h a m p. The solution! Well, as much of a solution as Iām hoping to get anyway - weāll have to see if it implements well. Iām going to unfollow a few blogs so I can get my dash cleaner/more organized/less fast-moving and b r e a t h e. Iām going to drop a couple of threads, I might make a couple more muses request only/exclusive only for the like 2 people that have threads with them, I might drop a couple muses (though I donāt think this will really happen, Idk tho). There will be separate posts on those things coming soon, this is just to notify yāall. Thank you for all of your patience, thank you for all the wonderful people whoāve allowed me to write with you, I love all of you!!!!
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in the light of dissipating greyness
Iāve been more than a bit AFK for quite some time now. Itās been too much work (due to several factors) but mostly my absence has been due to it having been a bit grey inside my head. All in all, there hasnāt been enough executive functioning going on, and there has also been an additional lack of energy and motivation, beyond the deficits in those things due to decreased executive functioning, perhaps.
Itās been... months, really, this greyness. I didnāt really notice it at first, because my moods are changeable at the best of times. And it started with a lot of crying, which in and of itself isnāt really a sign of minor brainfail for me, but could be a healthy reaction to things, or just one of those periods of increased mental frailty, and so I didnāt think too much of it. Then came the tiredness, which wasnāt that strange, considering how much I worked. Then came the increasing sense of meaninglessness and hopelessness, of being stuck and being overwhelmed by things constantly. It was only once those thoughts and emotions became the newĀ ābaselineā of my moods (I could still have good times and I could still enjoy things, but whenever those things passed, I would return to this new baseline of feeling... grey) that I really became aware that perhaps, this was one of those temporary minor brainfails (in contrast to the more constant brainfails that are just how I work - or doesnāt work - normally) that I still have from time to time, but theyāve become more rare over the years, and they are also more fleeting, and so I donāt often consider that they might be ongoing. In this case, I guess it was.
Itās funny how you adapt to things, especially if they happen gradually, until it takes weeks or even months before you even notice. Perhaps itās one of the quirks of having a very changeable mood - if itās not constant, itās so hard to tell if itās more frequent than it usually is. And so it took perhaps two months before I came to the conclusion that things had, in general, gotten more grey. In contrast, the lovely things looked even more vivid and touched me even more, but the undertone of greyness still made things a bit harder day to day. Once realising the pattern, it somehow got a bit easier, because I now know what to do when the greyness comes. One of the perks of my job, perhaps; if you hear yourself repeat the same things over and over to patients, itās very hard for it not to stick in your own thoughts as well, and when I hear patients talk about what helps them, I get new ideas too. Besides, fandom has helped a lot too. Most noteably the story Seeds, by thesardine, which made me start growing things as a kind of behavioural activation.
The thing thatās different these days compared to when I used to be hit by greyness in different nuances is that I keep muddling through. I donāt mean that I just soldier on and pretend things are fine. I do cry in the bathroom at work when I need to, I do allow myself more alone time and Iām kinder to myself, as well as refusing to ignore or hide from whatever emotions and thoughts might pass through my head. I allow myself to feel that heavy greyness, the sorrow, the dullness. The difference is that I keep doing the things that are important to me, at least to some degree, and sometimes in a different form than usual.
I havenāt been home from work due to feeling like I donāt want to do another thing. I have, however, allowed myself to work a bit slower at times, to take more breaks (to take breaks at all...), to do things that I enjoy more rather than the things IĀ āoughtā to do first and so on. I havenāt spend as much time with friends - IRL or online - as I would have liked to when considering how important some people are to me, but I have kept some kind of at least semi regular contact, and I have refused to change plans that I had already made, even if the thought of going through with it feels borderline impossible. I have allowed myself to think, but I havenāt directlyĀ āboughtā all of the thoughts I get when things turn a bit grey, but instead Iāve just allowed myself to feel that right now, thatās how it feels. I havenāt been able to read much, sadly, but Iāve listened a lot to podfic and audiobooks. And Iāve done so much practical work around the house, garden and so on, because if Iām to feel empty and hopeless, I might as well do something while feeling it. Iāve spent hours most evenings out, even in the rain, looking for rocks that I need for the garden, planting, growing, digging... and while the insomnia has been rather bad, at least Iāve been physically tired, and I have even gotten caught up and interested in what Iām doing.
I have no idea why Iām writing, this, to be honest, but it feels pretty good to do so, so Iāll indulge myself a bit more, because I do, in fact, believe in narrative being important in terms of defining situations, but also in creating your own approach to them. Your own narrative of it.
Either way, a few days ago, the greyness began to slowly dissipate. Itās by no means gone, but it has lifted significantly. It took a while to notice that too, but I think it was yesterday that I realised that the days have gotten a bit easier, the greyness a bit less compact and the energy (and sleep - finally!!) began to return. Itās a slow shift, and it might just be temporary, but somehow I doubt it. The distinct heaviness I feel in the mornings are one of the more constant signs of greyness, and itās much lighter now. And even if itās just temporary and the greyness sticks around for a bit longer, I can manage that too. That realisation has been one of the most hopeful ones Iāve made as of lately - I can manage even with a certain degree of greyness, even over time. It might be painful, feel meaningless and decrease enjoyment, as well as impair a lot of functions, but itās somewhat workable still. I can still, to certain degrees, do the things that matters to me and keep going in my valued direction, albeit a bit slower.
And so Iām hopefully slowly returning here as well. It might take some time, and writing fic is currently not even an option, sadly, as my working memory makes even reading hard, and remembering plots and what I wrote in the last chapter seems like it might make my head explode. But Iāll work up to that.
One thing that I want to point out, about all of this, though, is that what I have written about greyness isnāt to be taken as my general take on depression. This isnāt about depression - if it was, I would have called it by its name. At least it isnāt about what we call a major depressive episode. Perhaps atypical depression, which has been a constant irregularity during my entire life, but it isnāt about major depression. Why do I feel the need to point this out? Well; because it would be to make light of a very disabling illness. And also; what I have experienced felt more like a somewhat melodramatic, but still rather adaptive and to some degree functional or even rational reaction to several things in my life, at least when taking into account how my brain works and my vulnerability for these states. It doesnāt feel pathological the way we usually mean when talking about major depression. It feels more like a reaction, like the swing of a penduluum. And so this isnāt about depression, but it is about the greyness that, for some of us, might be something that will occasionally discolour our perceptions and thougths for periods of time.
The best thing about it, though, is to rediscover how easy some things might feel once the greyness is beginning to dissipate. Itās almost... thrilling, but in a silent, private kind of way...
#a lot of thoughts about greyness#my own little narrative about moods and the failing of moods#building my wings#which has been a strangely consistent and helpful thought really
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Well...
Hiya there. Iām not dead... yet. And a lot has happened in the last half-a-year, so I wonāt go in the great detail about it, but still gonna write a few things.
I was completely inactive on my social media for a good long time because I always feel like I have nothing to say, my life is boring and even if I say something, nobody cares about my opinion. So Iām just silent most of the time. Thatās not good at all, because itās the same thing IRL a lot of the times: I donāt say what I wanna say because I think my opinion is irrelevant and no one gives a shit. Bu how can I get what I want if I donāt talk about it? Thatās right, I donāt get anything, so not only am I depressed and lonely Iām also losing grip on everything good I couldāve had.
Onto the next thing: today is the first day of NaNoWriMo. Itās my third NaNo and Iām gonna do it this year too. Not because I have a ton of free time and Iām good with stress, no. My situation is the exact opposite and I have a sneaking feeling that Iām gonna be fucked by this quite badly. The thing is that Iāve changed jobs. Radically. Now Iām working somewhere I always wanted to but it turned out to be completely not like Iāve imagined. And this was kinda my dream job, and now it sucks. Itās incredibly and extremely stressful, I have four, I repeat, 4, bosses and only two of them treat me okay. Iāve been scolded several times, Iāve been put down, humiliated and insulted and itās not gonna end if I make it. Thatās the thing - Iām still not a part of the company, technically if they want me to leave they can just shoo me at any given moment. Yay, a dream job. But itās still much better than the previous one. For me, anxiety is better than the apathy. Right now Iām really, really, incredibly stressed and under a lot of pressure but Iām expressive creatively and itās a lot of fun in the making. Also I get to see the fruit of my labor with my own eyes, in real time in real life. I can look at it and proudly say: āLook, you guys, look at this small thing! Iāve made it. I did this. And it works.ā It feels great, really, even though other aspects of my work life suck. Iām happy to see the results, to contribute to something. And with the previous place it was entirely different. Iāve hated it. Just couldnāt be bothered doing anything there. I was bored and anxious at the same time, I understood virtually nothing I was supposed to be doing and I felt like a fraud. Also I was an only woman in the group and the only one person who did something different from everyone. That was entirely unpleasant. When my old boss made me work for two of his business partners and also gave me twice as much tasks and removed only thing that made it bearable - the ability to work from home - Iāve just quit. Iāve had it with the bullshit and Iāve had it with myself not being able to properly function without having a mental breakdown so Iāve left that place and never wanted to go back.
Speaking of mental breakdowns. Iāve had a few big anxiety attacks at the beginning of the year, at my old job, when Iāve had three bosses. My mental state was awful so I did a logical thing and went to therapy. It was January when Iāve made it to the first session, now itās November. This is my second time in therapy and I donāt think itās working. Maybe my therapist is wrong for me, maybe I need something else, but just talking doesnāt do anything and this person canāt prescribe me any drugs or recommend someone who could. I donāt know if Iāll continue to go there, but things we discuss arenāt less valid just because I canāt use them. Maybe for somebody with less imbalanced brain itāll work just fine, but Iāve never knew what balanced brain feels like, Iāve only had mine. And in my paranoid, anxious, depressed head I know thereās no place for working solutions. It feels like Iām treated for a broken limb, but backwards, like theyāve trying to teach me how to walk but my bones are sticking out and my wounds are bleeding. I donāt think I can start healing before Iām able to deal with that. I do need drugs of the medical kind. I just want to try to be like actual people are - not going from 0 to 100 in a fraction of a second. I just want to be calm. And donāt spiral in an abiss any time something even remotely inconvenient happens. Thatās it.
In other news, this year someone really close to me and very dear to my heart died. A close family member. It was an extremely surreal experience and I donāt think Iāve processed the fact of that death completely. It still feels like it didnāt happen. Like, I know that person is dead, but I donāt register it. I donāt really feel anything about that either. Once there was a person and now they are dead. Thatās it, end of story. That might be some kind of shock or some weird reaction of my brain trying to protect itself from strong emotional pain but I know I havenāt dealt with that and I probably never will.
Also, I now have two cats. After the death in my family weāve got a kitten. A cute little thing that turned out to be one huge problem. Heās hyperactive, really cute and very annoying. Our older catās reaction wasnāt the chillest, unfortunately. It was volatile. Theyāve hated each other for a good month before even being in one room without hissing. Now theyāre hugging and cuddling after fighting each other. They are my stupid, dumbass children and Iām the exhausted mother, trying her best not to go nuts on them.
In conclusion, Iāve been through the Hell and back and itās not even the end of the year yet. But I obviously donāt love myself because now, on top of all of the stress Iām having, Iām also gonna put those completely unrealistic expectations I always do and then will beat myself up over because meeting them is unreal. Maybe, just maybe Iāll try to stay in this realm this time around, but thatās highly unlikely. So good fucking luck to me, but 50k words aint gonna happen. Like, no way. Iāll opt for something more realistic this time.
Till the next time! See yāall there!
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Ranting time
Wow, okay, I suppose itās not just me then, haha
The main reason Iām so frustrated and upset is because I really do care about FR. I love, love dragons, theyāre my main aesthetic since I was 8; there was a time when FR helped me to improve my English skills, and when it inspired me to do art and jokes, and develop my characters. I met amazing people I would never know otherwise. But now all of that kind of... faded, I suppose.
Lots of random frustrated rambling below
While the community is growing in numbers, it really fell in activity. There are no lore/roleplay events, no major tag events (remember when Wish Rising was a huge thing everybody participated in?), and mostĀ ābigā players left or went mostly silent. Gods, I miss Villain.
Thereās nothing new to do. I donāt even use Stressing Room because its search function kinda sucks, and I usually dress my dragons by scrolling through the apparel list, and I donāt need the Room for that. I just use it to get transparent images of apparel 99% of the time <:T And apart from the Room... thereās just the Coli, I guess. Most of the site revolves around Coliseum, which is just a repeated clicking RNG hell. Which kinda got old after four goddamn years of festivals, which stay pretty much the same - oh, well, except now theyāre mostly useless since the items donāt retire and the currency is dirt cheap.
Lore. Where. In the flying fondue. Did the lore go. It started so good, and then it flopped down, wiggled its legs in the air a bit, and passed away. The Bogsneaks gave me hope that the winds are changing and that weāll be getting more lore and short stories, but alas, that was just the one-time thing with silence afterwards. Even the Q&A, that gave us some tiny bits of lore from time to time, slowed down and now pretty much stopped. And donāt even let me start talking about how much could they do with lore.Ā
I really miss the times when deities were active, when they messed around on forums, either making people laugh or maybe inspiring their dom efforts. Some flights really could use some encouragement, thatās for sure. And good lord, why is Windsinger still at the Wyrmwound?? Iām not in Wind and Iām pissed off about that. WHERE IS HE, HE PROMISED TO MAKE A PROPER MAP OF SORNIETH. ITāS BEEN YEARS.
And then, thereās customer support and communication. Oh boy. I donāt think I can say anything new on that topic, there are smarter people who are much better at customer communication than me. You know the drill. Thereās just silence. Why couldnāt they say something likeĀ ādonāt worry guys, the gene is still coming in Septemberā when people started to get worried? Why havenāt we heard anything about the promised IriShim fix? Why did all adminsā blogs suddenly go inactive about a year ago? Etc, etc. When it comes to customer support, Iām afraid of them. I donāt think there was a single case of un-ban, right? Well, Iām this one person who absolutely hates breaking rules, yet I am afraid of getting banned for something stupid, like my NotN Coliseum-grinding raids, when Iām battling non-stop for hours at a time while watching LotR. I shouldnāt be concerned that I may lose my account, yet I am. And itās not just because Iām a stress mess, but because some bans are kinda ridiculous. I knew two sisters who were banned forĀ āmultiaccountingā, and havenāt been unbanned, or even replied to, when they sent admins their scanned IDs.
Then there are my personal issues, of course. I pretty much isolated myself from other players lately because of one nasty... situation that occurred between me and a person I considered my friend. Itās been months and Iām still not over this, because that was a real kick in my weak spot that fed my social fears a lot. So I kinda stopped talking to people, even to my closest friends, because I feel like Iām bothering everyone I meet online or irl. But since the community is a huge part of FR experience, that whole mess sucked a large part of my interest in FR.
So yeah
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
#oh gods this turned out way too long#tl;dr is - ''FR could be great but it's wasting its potential for no particular reason and it makes me sad''#flight rising
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just went through my old blog that i started when i was about 14 lol.Ā
i deleted a lot of posts back in the days but most posts from about age 16 to 18 are still thereā¦
i talked a lot about an emptiness i felt and how i feel like iām wasting my life
i scares me how little has changed. i know i havenāt had treatment until i was like 25 and by that time i was even more depressed and miserable but ugh.
had one post talking about how i canāt focus on things as much as i used too, but i honestly wonder if i ever could.Ā
life is weird and you wake up one day and youāre 27 and everything is still has shitty has it was ten years ago.Ā
meh.
if iām making an actual post might as well add some recent stuff, there isnāt much so itāll be short.
life is shit.Ā
iām overwhelmed by everything i need to do, and i have A LOT that i need to do. meaning i do nothing cause iām a healthy functioning adult.Ā
iām in debt, which would be fine if i could get a job which could happen if iāll try to overcome my anxiety and try again and maybe even get accepted to something cause everytime i try i get rejected and thatās just shit. yeah, i also need to get a refill on my prescriptions and find a new therapist. meaning so much more anxiety.Ā
I feel so shitty about where iām at atm but i feel so stuck and kinda like iām hiding in the corner till everything will end.Ā
something else that repeated a lot on my teen blog was sayingĀ ā i want to work my shit outā and then not doing anything. honestly nothing is gonna change if iām not gonna work but i think iām a little bit too tired rn.Ā
Another thing I wanted to point out to myself is the amount of posts about my bf at the time. Since I started dating him every post was about him and how much I love him, how happy I am cause I have him. If there's one thing I really hope I learnt this time is that I need to stop making others my everything. He was amazing but wasn't I too? Why did I abandon myself at 16? I really hope I won't make this same mistake again in the futureā¦
edit a couple of days later cause i donāt wanna make another post atm
tried okcupid again and it sucked, saw a guy from there at the vet today. i kind of wish people would hit on me irl 5% as they do online....i hate dating apps. deleted again.
my dog is sick and sad. iām tired and sad. we went to the vet, who said we should come back tomorrow if heās not better by then. fine.
after the vet i tried to take some cash out of the atm but oh i forgot i have no money? it usually lets me take out like a bit at a time idk man i wanted to buy some vegetables. fucking want to die..
called my parents and asked them for help with my money situation and theyāre gonna try to help as much as they can...
called the stupid insurance shit where i apparently have a huge debt. they said theyāll call me back later this week.Ā
called the psychiatrist and heās on holiday until the end of the month.Ā
sent a couple of cvās to some companies whoāll probably never call me
I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING NOTHING IS WORKING OUT EVER AND I FEEL SO EMPTY AND TIRED AND UGUGHGHGHFGJKSDFHFKSDFKSHFJKS;FKDSLJF
FUCK.
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I wanted to talk about my ex girlfriend
l had a friend from Twitter for a while. When I was single (that means five months after I started to see her), I realized I had a lilā crush on her. And, I knew it was not possible. She was polyamourous, I was monogamous, willing for a passionate relationship and a really close partner, at the opposite of her projets. But one night I told her. And we slept together, and kissed, and shared sweet words. And then she told me I could be like her, living different love stories at the same time. I read articles, watched videos about the subject, to understand how it works, that it really existed. I tried, for real. But then I cried, for a long time. It became even more difficult because a friend who was also a sexfriend was one of her lovers. There were jealousy, tensions, a lack of communication in all of this. We spent the week end all together, a few days after I began to date her, so It was really harsh. I think I have never been this anxious in my entire life.Ā
My girlfriend had a strange way to treat my depression. She told me she gave a name to my brain, so that she can insult my depression when I talk. It was like āshut up brainā. And it felt like āshut up youā and it was really toxic. She also told me my depression explained the fact Iām monogamous, meaning polyamory was for everyone. I felt really bad, it felt like I had to change something I could not control, and in a really violent way. I needed to be reassured.
Also, there were no rules. I knew all the private life of her lovers as she had no limit. I did not want to know so many things, first because when I was with her, I would like it to be our moment and also, because it was really intrusive and sometimes I even had the felling her lovers were my friends without even knowing them. Otherwise, she also had this thing to stay all day on her phone talking to her lovers, leaving me alone. When I explained this to her, she told me it was her way to function, no negociation possible.
There was also the fact the told me anything she did in bed with X or Y or whoever, that I did not want to know. And surprising, it was always heterosexual sex. She never spoke with me about lesbian sex (which was suppose to be our purpose as a lesbian couple, lol). She told me her libido was skyrocketting, and the also loved to feed this image online, whereas she did not tried anything with me. So, one day, I finally asked her āIs there a problem?ā. And she got angry, and said I should not blame her on her libido, that is was oppressive, which was not at all my intentions.
She also changed plans whenever she liked. We were suppose to go at the Pride together, like our first lesbian couple activity, but I learned on Twitter she did something else with a friend who mentionned her in a tweet. Then I told her about this, and she repliedĀ āOh sorry I wanted to tell you but I knew you would be angryā, which actually got me even more angry. Another time, one week after, she promised me to go to a birthday party of a friend, so that she could meet two of my friends. She was supposed to go with me and then stay at my home for two days. On the D day, she first avoided my question when I asked her if she was coming sayingĀ āshe was tiredā without answering. Then told me a few hours laterĀ āIām leavingā. And I saidĀ āat your home?ā. She saidĀ āYesā. I saidĀ āIāll miss youā. She did not reply until the evening, when she wrote me a long message telling me she was tired and it had nothing to do with me. It was not the fact that it was tired that got me upset this day, it was the fact she was telling it really late, as she could change my plans anytime she wanted.Ā
Then I posted a tweet the day afterĀ āI used to donāt understand people who donāt believe in love, now Iām starting to understandā. And she got angry and sent me a messageĀ āGlad to hear itās over via Twitterā. Then I begin to tell her she was not there for me. She told me I was wrong, that it was the opposite. And then she broke up, repeating I wasĀ āout of the realitiesā. It took it as a nice reference to my depression. But, for real, I was lucid about this relationship, do not call me an idiot.Ā
Just after she left me, she posted on her public account on TwitterĀ āBeware, people who do not question themselves, it smellsā. It knew it was about me, obviously, and that people will ask about this, and know all of this, and Iād be alone again. Then I started to have an obsession about Twitter. I was checking everyday if our friends in common unfollowed me, or even blocked me. And unfortunately, it was happenning. I felt so bad.Ā
I had and still have a private account on Twitter, where I was only 30 close people so I could share my thoughts. After the break up, I felt really bad and posted some things about my feelings. I felt broke, not lovable, transparent, empty.Ā
But then, a friend in common who followed this account started to tell my ex about what I was posting, even exaggerating my words. I learned about this because I heard people were coming to talk to my ex to ask her what happenned.Ā
One day, she posted a really passive agressive tweet, which sounded like a critic of a tweet I posted fifteen minutes ago, so it was really strange. I panicked and postedĀ āomg she is gonna put everyone against meā. Five seconds after, she called me on the phone. I did not respond, then I did five minutes later. She was crying. She was saying she did mistakes in our relationship, and I was, with my tweets, trying to put everybody against her (but wtf it was a private account with 30 people, they tweeted about me to 1500 people). Then we talked together again, it was quite peaceful.Ā
And one day, she blocked me from Facebook, the friend who told her about my tweets did, my exās lover did too. No explanation.Ā
I became close to her ex girlfriend, which was already a friend before all of this happenned. We shared our experience about her and found some common points in the relationships we had with her : a lack of communication, organization and a lot of information about the other lovers. I felt less alone. However, when my ex learned about my friendship with her ex, she got mad and told her I was a bad person, that I judge people on polyamory, I was toxic... My friend did not believe her and we are still really close friends now.Ā
But during all summer I thought about this story, and talked about it with my psychiatrist who told me she manipulated me, and I believe her.Ā
Then in September, I was talking with a friend on Twitter I have not met IRL yet, but we are close. She told me that after the break up my ex sent her a message to tell her I was toxic. I was really mad as it related to the fear of abandoning I went through all summer. I tweetedĀ āI just learned my ex girlfriend told people we did not even met I was toxic, Idk when I have to call her out as a manipulative personā.Ā
A few days after, I connected to Twitter and lost fifty followers, then sixty, then one, and one, and one. I first did not understand anything at all. I saw a post in my timeline sayingĀ āwe can not trust people about their virtual image, be carefulā. And I pictured everything in thirty seconds.
I went on my second account, tapped my name, and sawĀ ādangerousā,Ā ātoxicā,Ā ā unfollow herā,Ā āI didnāt know she was toxic, thanksā. I was havingĀ phonecall with a friend while discovering all this, so I could not try to harm myself or whatever. There was a thread of tweets published on my exās lover account about myĀ ātoxic behaviourā. It was told I opressed my ex because I was monogamous and did not try to adapt. It was told I manipulated her because I reproached her to do not have sex for me, which was not true. His lover also put some arguments such as the fact I had suicidal thoughts and I was dangerous and the fact I sent him unwanted nudes, which is also false because we shared some at the same time. The other nudes I sent were to my ex when we were together, as we sexted sometimes. But she never told me she was uncomfortable and always pretended to like it, so I do not understand.Ā
Well, here you can see my long story. Maybe the worst I lived. Maybe the one Iām still going through now, discovering each day who blocked you like and Advent calendar.Ā
My mental health does not permitt me to explain about this in public on Twitter, as I am already really, really hurt.Ā
As I met my ex in the feminist sphere of Twitter, I do not go anymore to the IRL events nearby, I am too afraid to see her, or her friends, and hear them saying I am dangerous in public.Ā
here is the story of a bisexual girl who had her first lesbian relationship. It lasted one month, no more, but hurted me forever.Ā
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