#i feel like i am shutting down
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doing TERRIBLE
#i FINALLY slept today#like napped#my head is fucking pounding i feel so hollowed out#iām so fucking angry#i feel like i am shutting down#and buds are staying with us again and like. my housemate came back early last week and all things considered that ended up being a good#thing but i cannot get a moment alone with more people in the house#and itās like. i want everyone here bc that feels important but i feel so drained i donāt want to be witnessed#like just for a second. i know itās self imposed but i donāt want to preform composure i want to languish#and do a bad job of eating and getting dressed & not have anyone know
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soon it'll be dawn again
transcript under the cut ā¬
page 01
Fig: no way? - you're still up?
Riz: Whā yes?
Riz: Why'd I not be.
page 02
Fig: I me~~ean - that took.
Fig: whole day.
Riz: Yeah?
Fig: 'm beat.
Riz: you should sleep.
page 03
Fig: nah. my guy's still up
Fig: I wanna hang out.
page 04
Riz: That's really nice.
Fig: Hah! - Nobody ever expects an Archdevil rockstar to be nice.
Riz: ā¦ yeah. - 's just budget work tho. (the stuff I'm working on) - I've heard it's boring.
page 05
Fig: yeah, but you do itā¦
Riz: It keeps things going, right? - Nothing happens if nobody sits down and - does the thing.
Fig: That's rightā¦ - though. Yeah.
page 06
Fig: sometimes it's someone else who - doesn't want the same thing to happen.
Riz: ā¦ - mm.
page 07
Riz (off screen): ā¦It took me a long time to get that not everyone likes doing what I do. - 's probably because you guys are so niceā - or. - kind.
Riz (off screen): to anyone too, not just. - the people you /love/.
page 08
Riz: that's not how it is elsewhere. - The world'sā not. hostile. - but 's not like it's kind.
Riz: So I'm doing as much as I can nowā¦Ā
page 09
Fig: Hey.
Riz: ?
Fig: Go dig some dirt with me.
page 10
Riz: [blank speech bubble] - oh you meant like - actual dirt. (not incriminating information)
Fig: o yea.
Fig: there's clay in the backyard soil. - sometimes when I'm sun deficient or something I go touch dirt for a bit.
page 11
Fig: here u go
page 12
Riz: uh
Fig: now we make a thing! - 'm pretty good at freehanding a bowl.
Fig: I'll show u
page 13
Fig: justā yep, flatten that out as evenly as u can, thenā! - actually ur nails'd be so good at cutting out the strip. [larger than usual space] wait. - wait. wait u can carve patterns with them! we HAVE to try
Riz: uh - What. do I carve?
Fig: anything!!!
page 14
Fig: andā yep just seal the inside uh. seam?
Fig: yep that works - okay time's up! all contestant hands up
Riz: [blank speech bubble] - okay - wh. what's next?
Fig: haha - watch this.
(sound effect text): FWOOāMP
page 15
Riz: WHā DON'T JUST DO THAT???
Fig: Now it's fired!
Riz: THAT WAS NOT SAFE
Fig: (actually it's just dry. if u add water rn it'll dissolve)
Fig: ok catch!
Riz: [blank speech bubble] - careful!!
Fig: dw no need haha
page 16
Riz (thought bubble): oh - it's warmā¦
Fig: now I want you to throw this.
page 17
Fig: u gotta do it - c'mon
page 18
Riz: whā - It's like 3AM right now
Fig: oh it's not /fired/ fired it's not gonna make a loud noise
Riz: And then just? leave a pile out here?
Fig: pour water over it & it'll be gone I told u
Riz: but
page 19
Fig (off screen): RIz.
page 20
Fig: I've done all this before.
Fig: Can you trust that at least?
page 21
Riz: no, Iā - I do. - I trust you.
page 23
Riz: okay what happens now
(sound effect text): glob
page 24
Fig: we do it again!
page 25
Riz: wh. [larger than usual space] What do you mean. (this clay's too wet also)
Fig: see! you're already learning
Fig: [blank speech bubble] - there are flows that are futile to fight. - The world changes.
Fig: Things change.
page 26
Fig: I've learned my lessons with "forevers". - But - as an artist
Fig: I can give you one thing: - You can always do it again.
page 27
Fig: most of everything depends on the rest of the world, - but this. - making new. - that's yours as long as you want it.
page 28
Fig: So?
page 29
Riz: Yeah. - Yeah! - let's make another one.
#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#riz gukgak#figueroth faeth#technically no spoilers in this comic but listen. I Will be gloating in tags. I will Never Shut Up#for the record!! this was fully conceptualized and sketched Before the finales. I started sketching this after the boat fight#and when murph closed riz's arc this season with ''maybe it's okay to change and welcome new things'' I pogged irl#I am simply the best at reading comprehension what can I say! (<- grown ass man with roughly the same perspective on teenhood as the player#fucked up that this became so long (almost 30 squares lol) that it took me this long to finish#lmao I say all that but. genuinely I am delirious and my feelings abt riz's arc this season are so big... I was getting psychic backlash#for a While lol. it was scary!!#had to sit down and do therapy on my own ass for a bit. the teenage apocalyticisation is real. that word isnt tho Im pretty sure#truly anything you do at that age feels like that's it that's all you've got going on forever. and its not true! its simply not true#you'll be okay my guy. you love your friends so so much but also there will be more to love out there#this one goes out to fellow aroaces and also folks leaving somewhere theyve called home for a long time#nothing lasts forever but that means new things come by too! ur ability to make new is infinite!!#there's no magnum opus people leave but new people come by too etc. I am too sleepy to remember what I wanted to say uhhh#well. thank u for looking at my art. I think thats the one pack it n ship it boys
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very sexy of joe alwyn to have the eyes of millions of prying swifties on him for months and to only ever be like "btw you should care about gaza"
#something something your integrity makes me seem small#i could never be famous because there's no way i could keep my mouth shut for this long skjdnfkdns#i'd be posting whole oversharing paragraphs every time i saw someone being annoying about me#also! i am so excited for this hamlet adaptation with riz ahmed!! i feel like i've been counting down for it since it was announced#talking#joe alwyn
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it doesnt need to be said but its genuinely so funny how at-the-hip charles and erik are in krakoa like they really had the green light- the OBLIGATION- to be as obnoxiously close to each other as possible and abused that right to the fullest extent
#xmen#xmen comic#krakoa#cherik#snap chats#until the divorce of course but until then its actually so funny#how you really couldnt go a page or two without one or the other and the other one was close behind#ice climber ass duo over here. the delightful children from down the lane kind of proximity what the fuck was their PROBLEM#i feel like if one of them was teleported the other would just materialize right next to them thats how close they were#fuuuck what was the issue where sabretooth and co are in like. Brain Prison or something#and victor imagines charles but everyones like 'wait its weird if its just him where's magneto'#ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY and i NEED to know what issue that was .... to add it to my collection ....#also killed me how in immoral x-men issue 1 charles was yappin bout erik bein gone#and- God Bless Who i forget i think it was hope- was just 'can you please shut up about your dead boyfriend im begging you'#moira stronger than me if i had to deal with thing 1 and thing 2 on a daily basis i woulda snapped sooner frankly#ig when you live ten times through The Most Bullshit ever youre numb to most things but still. my god theyre so obnoxious#sorry im cackling at the bit in HoX where charles is about to announce krakoa to the world and erik's putting his hand on his shoulder#and you justs see moira in the back like dawgggg right in front of her .... can you two get a room#GENUINELY no im GENUINELY surprised they dont share a bedroom#im not even talking sharing a bed im taking my shipper goggles off im actually baffled they dont sleep in the same building#obvi id be lyin if i said i didnt love it tho To Be Real .. genuinely love seein them work together as a team .. until they werent </3#in every timeline they WILL divorce each other that's just the rule. actual canon event it cannot be changed or stopped its integral#ok ramble over. but not really not in spirit cause ill never be over this ill die before i am#im gonna go eat now i think i think thats something i As A Human has to do at least once a day
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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it's always super weird when you find out someone you thought you vibed with doesn't actually like you that much and really just tolerated you.
maybe it's just a neurodivergent problem. maybe normal people can always tell.
i can never tell. you talk to me a lot about our many shared interests, we hang out a lot, I thought we had chemistry, I felt comfortable with you and you never seemed uncomfortable with me, and you never told me I upset you...
but I guess I'm the idiot for being an open book and always telling people if they've done something I don't like. and for being willing to have hard conversations about boundaries from time to time.
my bad.
#gonna start lying like the rest of you#ah yes let me pretend i like you#im starting to think these kinds of people are just too insecure to shut down a friendship#like you just need to have friends to the point where you tolerate my existence#even tho i am offensive to your sensibilities#like come on bro#thats sad#just dump me#it wont bother me#not everyone is capable of tolerating me#thats alright#but say something you pussy#stop wasting both our times#pretending to be my friend hurts you more than me#i have real friends#i dont need parasitic pseudo friends who just need to feel wanted#im done with that#i know what a real friend looks like#youre not it and im not it for you either#i couldve been if you were honest#but people are not honest with others or themselves and thats what i hate most about people
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so, as i said before FUCK boudicca philtrum in particular. no one will mourn you, you crusty ho.
but also k getting majorly injured and the first thing out of their mouth is telling lemli that they have to lie and tell evan that they're fine. broken ribs, flat on their back, blood coming out of their mouth, knowing what evan will do and k trying to stop a thing that has already happened in the time it took for them to land.
did k ever see evan kill anybody while they were together? i know we're down with murder because fantasy but also, we all agree it's not great for evan's mental health to do a murder, right? and i really don't agree that it's love for k motivating him to kill because k doesn't want that for him. evan killed philtrum because philtrum needed killing and he has assigned himself that role. he would have taken her out, potentially nonlethally, as soon as they saw her if it weren't for their directive from dr. boodle. i think k is entirely incidental to his motivation, tbh. he goes cold when he goes into his shadow. i don't think what he's feeling in that space is anything that i (or bell hooks) would call a love ethic.
#misfits and magic#please please please everyone read 'all about love' and 'the will to change'#like i don't think that evan himself is an example of toxic masculinity#but i wanna be wary of casting his acts of violence as an expression of love for anything because patriarchy does that#like no - i am not going to see it as tender that he shut his emotions down - took someone's life and then was like 'oh i am the dark one'#that has everything to do with his journey and nothing to do with his relationship to k#he wasn't feeling love or fear or rage or anything. he switched that shit off#k might be his justification for killing philtrum. k getting injured might be the inciting incident. but that was not an action of love
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I know that Clover's gender is up to interpretation (the devs DID say so themselves) but I still feel weird when people make them exclusively male or female LOL Like it's TECHNICALLY fine??? but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
more in tags as usual because I am a yapper. i am so sorry for having strong opinions about gender and representation. i am usually more fun than this š„²š„²š„²š„²
#whenever ppl talk about clover being male it feels like they are unconsciously reinforcing gender roles???#vague sexist vibes yknow#this is such an innocent thing to complain about but i dont care!! i am a HATER!!!!!!#I think it bothers me so much because it reminds me of how Kris was treated and is STILL being treated. āwell in my headcanon he is a boyā#again its technically fine!!! the devs said its cool and i wont hate anyone for it. but its still so weird yknow#especially cus most ppl reason them to be a boy because āwell he likes guns and thats a boy thing!!!!!!ā#āhis design looks like a boy but his animations are like a girlā#āhe is a cowBOY and he looks masculine so-ā shut up i will stick your head down a toilet#many people think its an obvious fact that they are male.#whenever the cast calls Clover by he or a boy in fan content I can feel my entire face shrivel up#āTHEY WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT!!!ā aka the curse that keeps me from enjoying anything thats just made for fun#i think its a case of self-insertiritis... even though clover is their own separate person as is UTDR's tradition#bonus points if they make them a boy so they can ship them with kanako without being gay š¤Øš¤Øš¤Øš¤Øš¤Ø#š¤Øš¤Øš¤Øš¤Øbonus points if they make them female so they can ship them with flowey without being gay š¤Øš¤Øš¤Øš¤Ø#female clover is actually rare and not nearly as problematic. i can tolerate female clover because luckypatch is such a rare ship anyhow#this does not even mention the weird ships with martlet and ceroba. yeah its the monster girls only. and in those theyre also a boy#never starlo or dalv which thank god but. guess why. go figure#ive had people headcanon martlet knowing clover as a kid and dating them later? i do not need to explain why thats grooming LOL#the undertale yellow fandom on reddit. is so bad. god. do not go there#i know its filled to the brim with teens who have the media literacy skills of a wet piece of paper and their minds in the gutters 24/7 but#cmon.#the things they have done to ceroba and martlet. the curse of being women. girlypops i am SO sorry you do not deserve it#undertale#undertale yellow#uty#clover#ceroba#martlet
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pokƩmon origins understood the assignment when it came to red and blue
#this + that scene where blue gets injured and red finds out and red all but kicks down the door yelling 'BLUE ARE YOU OKAY' and blue's like#dude shut the fuck up my head feels like it's about to explode.....#this silly little show got them. it got them well#apologies if tumblr screws up the quality i am by no means a proper gif maker#trainer red#rival blue#kanto#my gifs#pokƩmon origins#pokemon origins
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Commissions Examples and Rent Update
commissions are my main income which helping me to keep on living in new country
mostly i need comms to cover rent meds and food
Rent Update:
I need 180$ to cover the rent.
Rent Pay day is 12 Aug
(post made on 8 Aug)
How you can help:
Commissions
Donations
PŠ°Ń Platforms i managed to find as working in my situation:
Boosty: https://boosty.to/nwarrior777
Hipolink: https://hipolink.me/nwarrior777 (paypal works as payment method in this one)
DM for taking slot and details
i am so sorry for making a lot of comms posts, i just really need support and this time especially - neighbors struggling too and counting on me.
#emergency commissions#i am so tired#i feel so bad making all those posts#now all blog is fluded in it#but i don't know how i can make it better#it seems like i don't have progress#but i do and a lot#i asking help wherever i can#i got some lawyer who is helping me adapt#i did research on all pay platforms and i got 3 shut downs because of this#like autistic shut downs i couldn't speak again#it's so hard i can't#worst thing is it is still better than place i've lived all my life#so i don't know how to feel at all#because i am in my happiest point of my life so far and in uncontrollable at the same time#i am loosing my mind honestly#and i work with psyhologist too#god i am so tired
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Hey. Sorry about the inactivity, but pretty sure no one cared that much anyways lol. Been a looooong time since I kept that distant from Tumblrā¦at least now I know Iām able to survive without checking posts every day/being chronically online! Iāve got an intense love-hate relationship with this lifestyle Iāve dug myself into. Think Iām getting a little bit better with the balance even if school isnāt really giving me an option. Got a load of work I need to keep catching up on if I donāt want to disappoint my professors. Weāll survive somehow. Here take a quick batch of Puzzle doodles k bye
#the hell am I so anxious about? maybe itās just overstimulation stuff#hoping itāll die down because I canāt keep enjoying myself when Iām like this#seriously is starting to mess with my flight responses over the tiniest things#like yea obviously I needed to stay logged out of Tumblr so I would focus more on schoolwork#but uhhhh gonna be transparent and say a huge part of it is the jolts of anxiety :(#like even the thought of logging back here has caused me to feel like sweating#my brain kept saying āno I donāt want to I canāt do thatā even when I felt bad for missing out on others posts#like I want to be here so I can support my mutuals dammit!!!#Iām a mess. Iām such a broken mess oh great lovely spectacular#maybe the culminating stress of final exam deadlines is worsening stuff as well#I canāt tell you why Iām like this I just am š#anyways thinking Iāll start adapting to the distance. Sorry but being a shut-in is more appealing right now#I just need time to be with myself and not be so invested in the lives of others#anyways whatās something mildly positive I can wrap this up with so I donāt seem patheticā¦.#ah yes the final Puzzle sketch here was drawn today before a class period#one of my fellow classmates noticed and audibly asked me āis that Mr. Puzzles?ā#IT TOOK EVERTHING IN MY WILLPOWER TO NOT LET OUT A GIDDY SHRIEK#Felt like my eyes bulged and I jolted in enthusiasm jskjsksp spontaneous happiness?? actally experiencing the feeling of fitting in??#anyways I responded with a very normal āWAIT YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM???ā while trying to suppress grinning or going āteeheeā#anyways now itās my personal mission to keep initiating conversations with her because AUUUUUGH SHE KNOWS WHO HE IS IāM LOSING IT#proceeded to talk about Murder Drones & TADC like holy SHIT I didnāt think I would ever find animation peeps in my psychology class auuu šš#itās a MIRACLE man this may be a sign that college wonāt be isolating anymore yaaaaayyy#PUZZLE IS SINGLE HANDILY HELPING ME TALK TO PEOPLE BOTH ONLINE AND IRL THIS IS WILD#all hail the best comfort character seriously holy shitālike imagine she never noticed me drawing Puzzles!! IāD STILL BE LONELY AS HELL#okay sorry Iāll stop typing like a teenager and go back to pretending to be well-versed in speech & conducting myself ānormallyā :3#doodles#sketches#hplonesome art#not tagging with Puzzles because hahaaaaa donāt look at me
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pairing: akatsuki hyoga x gn!reader (no prns)
summary: hyoga thinks very poorly of being in love, but he's in love with you
warnings: hyoga is a little sweet at the end
Hyoga did not like the idea of loveā it was only natural for someone who thought like he did. It was illogical and people acted irrationally because of it. If anything, he looked down on those in love because he genuinely thought they were losing their minds to some silly feelings. To him, love was always something for the weak, not for the strong who had things to be doing. Important things.
Which is why he thought you were so horribly stupid to be confessing to him. If one thing wasn't going to work, it was that. Yet, no matter how many times he told you that you were being silly and he wouldn't return your feelings, you just wouldn't back down. Almost daily, you'd find a way to tell him your feelings again.
He hated it so much, everything about it upset him, but somehow he wasn't able to push you away. Your daily greetings and conversations made him far happier than he would like to admit, and that annoyed him greatly. He was not supposed to be feeling joy from someone else, and definitely not supposed to be looking forward to seeing you. Illogical, irrational, thoughts.
These thoughts alone already annoyed himā he hadn't even dared to think he was in love. Never would he be in love, and definitely not with you. Yet, deep inside he knew. He knew that if you were to stop one day he'd probably give in and blurt out these emotions he's been hiding from even himself. He wasn't ready for that, but more importantly, he wasn't ready to see you give up on him. He knew he was being illogical and annoying, not wanting to admit his feelings to return yours, but also not wanting you to move on to someone else. He knew he was being hopelessly selfish, but he just didn't know what to do. He had never been in love before.
The next day when you confessed your love for him all over again, like it was the first and this hadn't been going on for weeks now, the thought alone that he might harbour feelings for you flustered him to no extent. He didn't mean to act so cold and push you away, but he just didn't know how to act. He had no idea what to do, but he knew he'd rather die than show it on his face.
"Hey, Hyoga?" you asked, voice serious.
He stopped to listen and turned his head your way.
"I know you're not fond of me doing this every day, but is it really a nuisance to you? If it is, I'll stop..." you said carefully.
You were trying not to cry, he could tell. He's heard you every day so he knew you well enough to know that much. But this was exactly what he was dreading and he brought it upon himself. Why couldn't he act like he normally did? Why were you affecting the way he acted? Everything irritated him until it made so much sense.
He was in love with you, and there was no denying it anymore.
"Please be blunt about it, I'll feel better that way," you said, but then smiled immediately after. "I guess I don't have to worry about that with you, though. You don't know how to sugarcoat your words anyway."
He didn't know what to say and how to tell you how he felt, so it came out blunt and honest, just like you had asked for it to be. It wasn't the kind that he likedā it came out far too uncollected and in a fluster, but it was his genuine thoughts.
"I think I'm in love with you, and that scares me to death," he said.
"What?" you ask, not believing your ears.
"I will not be repeating that," Hyoga said and turned away. He genuinely believed you were going to run after him and squeal like you always do, but you didn't.
"You won't take it back, though?" You said quietly and he immediately turned around. He knew you were crying. He didn't mean to make you cryā that was the last thing he wanted to do.
"You just said to be blunt, so I was," he said. "Please don't cry."
"I am so in love with you," you said, looking straight into his eyes.
"Even after I made you cry?"
"These are the happiest tears I will ever cry."
#hyoga x reader#akatsuki hyoga x reader#hyoga akatsuki x reader#hyoga#akatsuki hyoga#hyoga akatsuki#dr stone x reader#dcst x reader#NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER WHAT ?#i am so sorry i will shut up#as per usual i literally CANNOT WRITE COLD MEAN RUDE HYOGA LIKE NO THAT IS NOT HIM#idk what hyoga you were reading but THE ONE I READ AND FELL IN LOVE WITH IS A SWEETHEART DEEP INSIDE#I AM SORRY I CANNOT CHANGE THIS#anyways my only concern is that i feel like all the things i write are starting to sound rhe same#like i have another blurb in my drafts thats practically complete but it sounds just like blurb 2 so idk if i should post it#i will have to figure something out#THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING ILYSM#also hardly proofread i apologize#i will reread later and fix as i go
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also in terms of the bolas playlist it's fascinating to me that the songs added by each person have a slight tendency to represent a consistent aspect of bolas
like
the songs added by slime are their chaos
the songs added by philza are their rebellion
the songs added by cellbit are their rage
the songs added by baghera are their anguish
it's so fucking FASCINATING TO ME but i don't know enough music theory to elaborate lmfao this is Vibes Only
(mouse's songs i can't boil down to an easy noun which is why they aren't mentioned lmao anyway they go hard asf)
(also i went on the longest fucking unhinged elaboration in the tags lmfao i almost didn't have enough tags left to tag "long tags" at the end
(i could have even gone on longer in terms of where their characters were at entering purgatory [philza: cage for a cage; cellbit: fed worker murders; baghera: her past as a federation experiment; slime: turning into a code because of the code pretending to be his daughter] but i ran out of space and also time it's 4AM AAAAA)
#qsmp#qsmp purgatory#this is a sweeping generalization btw esp for baghera's she added a WIDE variety of music#qsmp bolas#sorry i forgot that tag existed lmao#i will elaborate slightly:#slime added: find your flame; gas gas gas extended; waltz of the meatball man; foghorn sound effect#philza added: b.y.o.b.; throne; the melting point of wax#cellbit added: hayloft II; brazilian danƧa phonk (which roier literally played during purg while beating the shit out of bbh lmao)#baghera added: can you feel my heart; still waiting; and coincidentally she added 'it's been so long' (the fnaf song lol)#TO BE CLEAR THESE ARE GENERALIZATIONS#baghera also added the government knows [REBELLION] and oops [CHAOS]#philza added given up [ANGUISH]#cellbit added zombie [ANGUISH] and tokyo drift [CHAOS]#slime added as above so below [ANGUISH]#it's not a perfect category; ESPECIALLY for baghera's songs i want to make that so clear in these tags#HOWEVER. it is interesting.#anyway i went after lyrics for these examples but just generally when going through the playlist the first time#i kind of learned that like.#music to murder to was probably cellbit; punk millenial music was probably philza#the wackiest shit was probably slime (was shocked to find out tokyo drift was a cellbit song for this reason lmao)#baghera's i usually could only pin down bc it didn't sound like anyone else's#and mouse's added songs i could not describe the vibe if you threatened me for it but it has one#i guess the closest vibe is 'a college radio station run by anime fans' and even then it's not that close#it kinda excludes songs like the b//ad bun//ny songs#unless college anime fans are also fans of them in which case great!#IDK IT'S 4 AM I WAS JUST MAKING MYSELF SAD ABOUT TILIN I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP#shut up vic#block game brainrot#long tags
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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-
but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again
(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)
i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)
weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward
but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.
right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#sorta#suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw#theres some construction stuff on our house going on#and my father is extremely stressed about it#he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed#my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi#to the point of my father yesterday saying that āit would have been better if i had just died back in the dayā#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself#which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee#and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her#to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life#BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her#without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears#and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains#but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being#always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold#but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings
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lord its so dark in here the sahara desert of tsaritsa content you are like a shining oasis. your characterisation of her compels me & mihoyo would be hard pressed to top it imo.!! caaaaan i humbly request yr thoughts on her first meeting w a reader of any kind, or maybe even multiple kinds (sagau, sagau god au, isekai, etc) if you so desire...
it really is like a desert here. being the fan of a character we aren't getting until the last damn nation is driving me up a wall but i will persevere bc if nothing else i support morally bankrupt women in media. we r in a severe drought over here but i do my best. unfortunately nothing i say is ever coherent so pull out your translation notes its abt 2 be messy
also this got out of hand but thats bc first meetings w the tsaritsa are tricky to write + a LOT of her characterization lies in deeper exploration then just surface level yknow...NOT A DIG AT YOU this is just my excuse for rambling. gently pats the tsaritsa she can hold so much complexity i do not have the word count to delve into it completely :]
gonna talk cult au for a bit here though because that's 99% of my content. and honestly? she thrives in sub au's of the cult au like villain au + imposter au. it's basically made for her. i mean, early days, the imposter au had been going around for a little while but one of the first few ideas was the Fatui taking reader in so like. it kinda technically actually was. pretty sure cult au Tsaritsa popped up because of the imposter au. a lot of it's writers kinda left though which. man am i getting old or.
anyway.
there isn't much of a chance her first impression is all that positive. at best it's usually neutral, imo, but rarely if ever positive. specifically because i view the Tsaritsa as someone who isn't as fanatical as most of the acolytes typically are towards the creator. she's not exactly going to worship the ground you walk on unlike a certain geo lizard. which is partially why i think she thrives in the sub au's i mentioned.
imposter au, for example. she meets you at your lowest. there's no gaudy extravagance or pampering from the acolytes waiting for you because your own acolytes have turned on you. for all intents and purposes you aren't a "god" at all. which is why i don't think she meshes well with normal cult au reader. the Fatui are made up of outcasts, basically, and imposter au slots right in just perfectly. you're weak, at your lowest, when you meet the Fatui in the imposter au. and the Fatui can help you, too.
a mutual exchange, really. the Tsaritsa sees a tool she can use to one up the rest of the nations and especially Archons, and she has no qualms about you using her and the Fatui in turn. you both want something out of it, after all. whether you just want to be safe from the rest of the acolytes, or you want revenge, or whatever else..she'll give you the power to fulfill it, and she gains the strongest piece on the chessboard when all is said and done.
the best way i can describe the first meeting is "practical", i suppose. she sees an opportunity in you. the ultimate gamble. because if she "saves" you, and you dont trust anyone else because they tried to kill you, well..she holds all the cards, doesn't she?
but the Tsaritsa, imo, is just as capable of being just as fanatical towards you as anyone else. she just won't worship you as the creator. but as yourself? clawing your way back to your divine power and taking back what belongs to you? the Tsaritsa is, to me, a character who's character flourishes in long-term fics more because she changes a LOT between "just met reader" and after having been with reader for some time. she's practically apathetic at the beginning but a lot of her character, in my characterization, shines through LONG after the first meeting.
#asks#Anonymous#sagau#tsaritsa#like. am i explaining this coherently?? first meetings r GOOD and i could go on a tangent of like. first meetings w zl and make it work#but first meetings w the tsaritsa is like. you just cooked a 5 course meal. took one bite. called it a day.#so much of my characterization lies in the āafterā of the first meeting#because her first meetings are generally the same. she's apathetic at best!! she does not gaf abt the creator in the SLIGHTEST#but show that you are more then the creator? that you do not cling to the title like a shield? that you do not rely on it?#youve got the worst person youve ever known ready to kill a man for you.#tsaritsa is very like. EXTREMELY hard to earn the trust of but when you do she will kill someone for you no hesitation no question#which is why she works SO WELL in villain au and imposter au!!!!!!!!!#esp if theres a fake ācreatorā calling you the imposter. she hates their ass and was .5 seconds from dethroning them anyway#you just made it 10x easier#also cant do just first meetings bc i am incapable of not shoving themes of love into every fic w her SORRY#tsaritsa going on a full multiple month long mental breakdown bc she is not in love with you but she would destroy everything for u..#(shes in denial)#tsaritsa and complex themes of love and what it means for the god of love to be incapable of feeling it + what it means when reader shows u#LIKE UGHHHHHH okay. i guess ill write another tsaritsa fic and put it in my vault#aka my drafts#i hold so many fics hostage there its crazy#this answered like 0 of ur questions sorry i see tsaritsa and black out and this happens#i just think first meetings dont let her character really come thru but my response got out of hand so uhhhhh everyone look away. please#putting tape over my mouth now so i shut up before this gets worse#basically tsaritsa gravitates more towards outcast reader rather then one who has already become accustomed to the adoration of the acolyte#does that make sense........#i havent slept in forever and im running on nothing but spite and dreams atp dont expect coherency when it comes 2 the tsaritsa from me#head in hands someone please stop me i keep rambling abt the tsaritsa it makes me go NUTS#lays down. explodes
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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