#i feel like i am having all the symptoms but testing negative for covid. i've already had the flu this year so WHAT is it now

[gideonisms]

i'm trying my best but my best is so bad. It is so bad

[drdemonprince]

Is "safe sex" even real? Never done it so idk but you mentioned risk profiles once. I feel like demographically I've got a higher risk profile and the anxiety about that really prevents me from going and trying anything. Do you think that's overly anxious in a negative way?

"safe sex" is a really misleading and binary term. There is never any guarantee of safety in anything we do. Every choice we make comes with risks. Hell, choosing not to connect with other people sexually (if you have any desire to) does ITSELF come with its own risks and costs over time.

The chase after perfect, guranteed safety will only lead to us feeling powerless and afraid, because it is an impossibility. All that we can do is inform ourselves of the risks, mitigate the risks we are the most concerned about and that affect others, and then knowingly accept what risks we still face as the cost of leading a full, enjoyable life.

When we inform ourselves about risk mitigation, we learn there are certain steps that we should probably take to protect ourselves and others if we are engaging in behavior that carries risk. If you're having sex with a complete stranger, it's probably smart to use a condom. If you have sex regularly you might want an HPV vaccine or to be on PreP to prevent HIV transmission. When you meet up with people you should get tested for COVID. You should get vaccinated against COVID. If you want to get suspended in rope from the ceiling don't use a hardware store $3 carabeener, get the good shit from the rock-climbing supply store. Things like that.

But even if you use a condom, you might get herpes or HPV or crabs or a yeast infection. Even if you never have sex, you might already have herpes or HPV or crabs or a yeast infection. I've had several of those things, including some of the "scarier" sounding ones, and they're really not that big a deal. They're just a thing that happens in life. Most people have them. You pop a Valtrex when you have symptoms, you shove a suppostiory up your vulva when it itches, you sleep without underwear on, you communicate with partners, you move on with your life.

Sure, I do what I can to avoid the risks I am most concerned about. I take PreP right now because not getting HIV would be preferable to me. But I could still live if I got it. I am informed about the realities of living with HIV today, which makes that fear more manageable. It is easier for me to make carefully considered and yet realistic decisions surrounding my risk profile because I can confront the realities that scare me and learn more about them.

The body is not separable form its environment. We are connected to our surroundings and the people around us, and our bodies get sick, catch viruses, grow old, get messy, and die inevitably and return to the earth. With our one life, we each have to choose what is most important to us and what potential costs we can stand. But with each year that passes, a cost to our bodies is already incurred, and there's nothing we can do to prevent aging and death from coming our way.

So what would you like to do while you are around? Would you like to have sex with condoms? Go on PreP? Get the HPV vaccine? Take random loads in a glory hole? Make out and dry hump with a cutie at a party and catch her cold sore? Cross the street in the dark after looking both ways? Go out dancing so late that your sleep is disrupted for the whole week? Get your heart broken? Have a great all-consuming love? Have children? Endure a torn labia while giving birth? Try psychedelics? Go on a swinger's cruise? Get a UTI from spermicide? Roleplay online instead of meeting in person? Fuck people with a strap-on?

The choice is yours. And no choice you make will be perfect or come without risk. No life is safe. Accepting loss is one of the necessary tasks of leading a life. But you can educate yourself, reflect on what you most want out of life and what you fear, and then take steps to demystefy your worst fears and mitigate the risks that loom largest to you and the people you care about.

Whatever you decide, I hope you have some fun.

[never-wednesday]

Hey its a Lil late in the month but this disability pride month I wanna talk about long covid. I also have chronic pain and all sorts of worms in my brain but I've been dealing with that forever. So we're talking about the new stuff. Putting a readmore because I'm talking about what my experience being sick with covid was like and it's probably unpleasant to read.

It's December of 2022 and I work retail while I'm home from school for winter break. I mask up every time I leave the house, including for work. My parents don't. My father talks about covid not being a big deal. He caught it last year and it was a mild cold for him. He says "i ate lunch with someone who had covid last week and im fine!" My mother catches covid a week after that conversation. I test and am seemingly fine despite symptoms of a cold, and then three days later (one of those days was a full 8hr shift at work where I was worn ragged because it's almost christmas. I also got heat exhaustion because the AC was busted and I live in TX.) I feel the worst I have felt in ages. My mom insists that my dad takes me to get tested for the flu, and I schedule a covid test while I'm at it. My covid test comes back positive.

For the next week I am bedbound, only able to sit up enough to try to eat something and only able to stand up long enough to get myself to and from the bathroom. I sleep through the days when I can get the dayquil down, and cough through the nights when I can't get the nyquil down. I hallucinate when im tired. One of those nights I swear I talk to god. My brain is fogged and it hurts to breathe. I am worried I will need to be hospitalized because I can't seem to keep any water in my system. It's a miracle that I can write instructions for my father to cook ramen for me. I can only drink the broth. One morning I try to take dayquil to soothe my throat and I vomit. My stomach is empty and I stand over the sink wretching.

It feels like a miracle when I recover. Christmas day my symptoms mostly clear up and I'm able to sit up long enough to use my computer, something I was unable to do for the past week. I test negative, my second best Christmas present that year. The first is the Elden Ring soundtrack on vinyl. I am elated that I made it put the other end.

A week later my friend comes from a few cities away to visit for a few days. We go shopping one afternoon, spend a few hours standing around at the local game store looking at dice and miniature plastic dragons. We get home at 6pm. I collapse into bed and wake up 3 hours later. I talk to my doctor about it in January, she says it should go away over time. Six months maximum.

I spend my spring semester exhausted. I start using a cane to make sure I can walk across campus. I'm thankful that many of my friends are also disabled because they understand when I need to ask people to slow down, or bail because of my fatigue. Many of the abled people in my life do not understand. One day I go out to a museum, a thing I am excited to do. When I get home at 4pm I make myself popcorn, then collapse into bed. I can't walk to the sink without my cane, I can barely get out of bed. This is what I have to adjust to.

Six months pass. The fatigue is not gone. I am home for summer break, and I try talking to my parents about my fatigue. They don't understand. I talk to my doctor. She is convinced it's depression symptoms. My mental health is largely the best it's been in years- I've been in treatment for months now and it is helping.

It's been about seven months now. I am not receiving treatment, nor will my doctor acknowledge that I have long covid. She has relented into testing for physical things. I got a CT scan, and have a sleep study scheduled for when I get back from visiting family in August. Depending on what these turn up and how my doctor reacts I am preparing to find a new doctor. I am not excited about this, because I like my doctor. But if she refuses to acknowledge that what has happened to me is likely covid and therefore will not treat me I will find someone else.

I don't really have a moral here beyond please mask up, get vaccinated, etc. Even if covid doesn't fuck you up it might fuck up someone you pass it to. Or even worse, it can kill the immunocompromised people around you. Please have compassion for the people around you. My father, who is a loving and caring man, brought this illness home to me. It wasn't out of malice, but it still has affected my life for probably the rest of my life.

[crimeronan]

WHEW okay. ROUGH fucking start to the morning but things are gonna be okay now. putting under a cut for people who don't care abt my endless unrelenting medical drama but for those who do. Come On This Fucking Journey With Me.

so, necessary background.

i have been having intermittent medical emergencies since february and my doctor has been trying since march to get me a specialist rheumatology appointment. the rheumatology clinic keeps ignoring the referral and/or saying that they need more paperwork and documentation for it.

my doctor has at this point provided them with

her physical observations of my visibly abnormal symptoms

all of the many many many many Many medications i've been prescribed and their effects on said symptoms

multiple different types of positive ANA showing i have uncontrolled progressive autoimmune disease

all my negative antibody tests (have yet to test positive for any one specific antibody)

my doctor - who is excellent - has also followed up with them repeatedly to try to get me scheduled. because i am dying. like i try not to be super dramatic here bc i don't like worrying people and maybe i'm overblowing my symptoms but like. when you're at the point that one of your partners schedules an impromptu overnight flight to come up and monitor you for a week bc your other partner is on vacation & you're in danger of stroking and being unable to call an ambulance for yourself if someone isn't in the room to notice the signs...... i feel like at that point it's fair enough to say I Am Fucking Dying. i am dying. i've been dying for months. like very slowly and inconsequentially but MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE ARE DYING AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

so two weeks ago, after even more fucking phone tag, rheumatology was like. we have all of your tests and documentation now. we'll call to schedule you in soon :) if we don't, call us in two weeks!

today is, of course, the two week mark.

i thought it was strange that they hadn't called because my current symptom progression is usually triaged as The Top Tier Of Autoimmune Medical Emergencies. and my doctor herself has gotten me in for same-day appointments whenever i develop new symptoms because i am apparently not being fucking dramatic about how fucked up i am.

but! rheumatology is overburdened by a combination of COVID-era backups and a MASSIVE influx of newly disabled people with long COVID. and they're dealing with the same understaffing and shortages as the rest of the healthcare system. so it wasn't THAT weird.

called the clinic as soon as they opened this morning. was put on hold for a few minutes, which is normal.

guy gets back on the line. informs me they actually Don't have the test results that they need to schedule me (even though they TOLD ME THEY DID two weeks ago). and that they can't help me.

at this point i got off the phone and had a hysterical crying breakdown so profound that multiple partners swooped in to make a Shitload of Very Testy phone calls to various places on my behalf. bc they love me and are wonderful i am very loved. i have been taking the whole "actively dying" thing in stride for months for the most part but apparently this morning i hit my Fucking Limit. because OH MY FUCKING GOD.

so after an hour of hysterical crying, the receptionist at my main doctor's office calls back. she has always been very kind and takes calls from me / my partners extremely seriously, because of..... you know. The Everything.

she's just as kind and sweet and apologetic as ever but also there is kinda an undercurrent of apoplectic fury. she's spent some time trying to figure out What The Fuck Is Going On. turns out that

there was one more test rheumatology needed, even tho they said they had all my documentation. ok. fine.

my doctor did in fact order this test immediately after my last appointment.

i did in fact have the bloodwork done for this test immediately after my last appointment. like within an hour.

there was NO REASON for rheumatology not to have these test results.

except.

that the phlebotomist who took my blood.

ran every fucking ordered test.

except.

the one.

i needed.

to get scheduled.

with rheumatology.

so i've been waiting two weeks for fucking Nothing. because i thought i had my referral sorted. and the rheumatology clinic did not fucking inform my doctor that actually! they were wrong! about having the documentation to schedule me in!

the receptionist called up the lab to make sure that they Can run the necessary test. confirmed that they can. then she called up the rheumatology clinic and sent over all of my current documentation all over again and told them to be on the lookout for the final test. THEN she called the lab AGAIN to say, "hey, i'm sending you this order electronically, but i'm making an extra note that you guys need to do it right this time, AND you need to treat this as highest priority n analyze the results immediately. and i'm giving you the specific test number right now to make sure you fucking write it down correctly."

and then she gave ME the test number. and said "write this down. and when you get there, ask them what the number is for your test. and make sure that it matches."

which all took up most of her morning and truly was going above and beyond, all she really Needed to do was resend the lab order n tell me to go get more blood drawn. ESPECIALLY since it's an indie office & she handles ALL of the patient scheduling and bureaucracy.

but she is mad. and also i have dying patient privilege.

i felt much better after this because tbh half of why i was so upset was because i already know i have multiple forms of irreversible damage to various body parts and i really fucking physically feel like i get closer to dying every day and i really cannot fucking deal with being triaged as a non-priority possibly-faker hysteria patient.

but this does not seem to be the case.

so. unless something ELSE manages to go wrong with all of this bureaucratic bullshit, what's going to happen is: i am going to drive to a lab 45 minutes away to get my bloodwork done today bc that's the closest place with same-day appointments. i am going to call my doctor's office and tell them that the blood test was done, bc the receptionist said to call her from the parking lot once i'm finished. my doctor is going to receive the test results and send them to rheumatology either today or tomorrow. and within two weeks (Supposedly For Fucking Real This Time), rheumatology will ACTUALLY FUCKING CALL TO SCHEDULE ME IN.

in the most ideal and luckiest world, i will in fact be triaged as an emergency case. which means things will move fast in terms of both getting a call from the scheduling team and getting scheduled in. however it's also possible that they will have patients who are in, like, multi-organ-failure shutdown crisis, who obviously need to be prioritized above me. i do have endless paper documentation and visible physical symptoms stating that i am very very very sick, so. fingers crossed but i don't want to jinx it.

this post is very long. medical bureaucracy is a nightmare. i am very very very lucky and blessed to have so many life partners who are willing to advocate for me because as you can imagine, none of this is easy to navigate when you are unbelievably fucking sick and have a brain that is progressively losing the ability to retain language or executive function or memory.

in conclusion.

being sick is so stupid.

[afniel]

One of the tanks in my static now has the exact illness I had. He lives on the opposite coast from me. I do not enjoy the rammies or the impies of that! What the fuck is going around now kicking people's asses across the full country and the only real symptom is a hardcore fever and body aches that make you feel like you're going to McFucking Die? Covid tests came up negative for both of us, and we both had no respiratory symptoms at all, so the easy answer doesn't seem right, here.

Like, okay, in case this matters or makes sense in hindsight later (please gods I really hope not but I've seen enough to know), there are a few more kind of weird symptoms we matched up on while comparing notes:

Back pain. Especially lower back for some reason. He had notable lower leg pain, I had neck pain.

Headache. The kind that makes you feel like your skull is going to explode and cave in at the same time.

Debilitating brain fog. Like where you can barely process which room of your house you're in.

Time dilation. I usually am time blind anyway, but when I say the two and a half days it kicked my ass felt like literal weeks, I'm not even kidding.

Stomach pain and negative appetite. Not exactly nausea, but eating and drinking just hurt. Neither of us could stomach more than a few bites/sips of anything at all, no matter how depleted we got. If we pushed it and tried anyway, it would kinda feel like nausea, but neither of us even got close to throwing up.

No idea where we caught it. Neither of us are into going out for the sake of being out. Probably got it at the grocery or something like that.

So yeah, fuck if I know what that was, but it was not cool and it's apparently nationwide. I'm gonna be keeping an eye on currently circulating illnesses to see if I can figure this one out, because I have nearly died of pneumonia as a child and I still felt sicker with this mystery illness than I did when I was almost hospitalized.

[bellaxgiornata]

teasing a frank smut piece had me thinking if it’s part two of don’t walk away… 🖐🏻😭🤚🏻

I promise I am still working on part two for that! I have it started but I have been stalled on so many different updates because it's like everything I am writing is at a smut part and I cringed at everything I was writing smut-wise for the past few weeks. And I won't post something that I feel like is trash. Thankfully I think I've gotten past that though, I've just been busy and struggling with post-Covid and some awful pregnancy symptoms. Plus, I have had no free time to really write since my mother-in-law can't babysit my son until we all have negative Covid tests 🥲 She's the real MVP of me getting so much written in the past.

The smut piece I'm writing for Frank is actually a one shot titled Under the Stars and it's just a short, smutty thing that is taking me far too long to finish. I teased it like the beginning of October 😅 My hope was to have it ready for next week but I don't know if it'll be ready yet. All I have is a final few paragraphs though so maybe 🤞🏻

[imamxdel]

It has been a really long 5 days. August 2023 is a month for the history books of Liv's life.

So...I was just discharged from the hospital. For those who don't know, I've been a charge nurse of an orthopedic/oncology unit for almost 5 years. My job is incredibly stressful, but just as rewarding and it's a very good job in the sense of a comfortable compensation, good hours, and fabulous benefits. And also, I've been in the process of purchasing a condo as a first time home owner...as if the stress of that wasn't killing me, I was laying in bed Sunday night ready to work 3-14 hour shifts in a row and started to feel heart palpitations, aches, and severe shaking.

I could have easily attributed it to the stress of an impending work week and the mental exhaustion of trying to buy a home for the first time. It's not like 26 year old women who work out about 8 hours a week are commonly known for having heart attacks, but I knew something wasn't normal, and decided to call my coworker and tell her I was driving myself to the ER (btw don't do that, please call someone to drive you or dial for an ambulance).

Long story short, all tests for a heart attack or pulmonary embolsim were negative, but my troponin levels were critically high at 398 (normal is less than 40). This specific lab measures the amount of dead cardiac tissue in the blood stream. They ended up admitting me to the critical care cardiac unit as they couldn't find an answer as to why I was showing these type of results.

Another long story short, the cardiologists came to the conclusion that I must have contracted viral myocarditis, AKA an unknown virus that was attacking my heart. I tested negative for covid twice. There is no treatment for this diagnosis as your body has to fight it off on its own, and that they could only manage the symptoms.

So there I am, a decently seasoned (and sorry to brag, but a well known and respected) nurse suddenly experiencing her first time as a patient. I knew the drill pretty well and I'm proud to say that I was an A+ patient! Never hit my call light once (again...I'm probably stubborn). I had my parents bring up my laptop and some clothes, and settled in for the ride.

The doctors basically wanted to keep me until my troponin levels came down. Because I was essentially asymptomatic other than some chest tightness that only exacerbated when I moved around too much, I was literally in the hospital to get poked every 6 hours while strapped on to a heart monitor.

My troponin levels only kept going up. And when I say up, I was discharged this morning with my levels at 902 (the highest I've ever seen in my career) and the same mild symptoms. Luckily, my other heart functions were normal and after a bit of begging and promises to follow up outpatient, they discharged me after 5 days.

Btw, here's a friendly reminder that hospitals are not hotels. You will get poked (sometimes twice if you're veins are crap), you will be woken up from your sleep every 2 hours at night, you're not allowed to shower because you're always hooked up to a cardiac monitor, and always uncomfortable because you're sleeping in a small bed with an IV in your arm running fluids. The food sucks, too, but I didn't have an appetite and barely ate during my admission. I expected all of this and surely were followed through.

I'm currently home now with the recommendation to "take it easy" for the next week. I return to work on Sunday to the same hospital I just spent five days in, because I still love my job, but this experience has only motivated me to be a better nurse.

I cannot begin to explain the gratitude I feel towards my hospital. They took such good care of me despite the frustration of a diagnosis that cannot be treated. The doctors I work next to every day sat down and answered all my questions. The nurses were kind, and even though I never needed help with anything since I was still fully independent, they never hesitated to offer assistance. I'm grateful to all my coworkers who came to visit me; my floor really is one big family and I've always stood behind that. I'm thankful to my parents who dropped everything and paused their chaotic lives to spend time with me in the hospital and cry with me when we kept getting the news that my troponin levels only kept going up. I am humbled by the amount of prayers people said for me. I'm thankful to all the kpop groups I stan that routinely post variety shows because that might have been the only thing keeping me sane when my parents went home. I never want to take my life and my youth for granted again.

Please trust your bodies when something doesn't feel right. I never thought I'd actually be admitted to the hospital, better yet for 5 days on an intensive critical care unit.

[catastrothy]

here is a little chronicle of my sickness journey btw. bc i feel like i need to write this down because its been hilariously awful lol

warning 4 gross stuff, oversharing, and me bitching, unsurprisingly

back in early august i got sick with what i thought was a cold. basic symptoms, fever, achiness, runny nose, etc. things are relatively normal at first, i've gotten sick dozens of times because i'm particularly prone to sinus and ear infections so i brushed it off

And Then The Hives Began.

all over my limbs and very rarely on my torso and neck. even had one on my face. at one point my throat got very itchy and i had a panic attack thinking i would get anaphylaxis for the first time in my life. thankfully i took a shitton of claritin + pepcid + benedryl and it kicked in fast enough that i was okay

i go to the local urgent care. the doctor is amazing and gives a shit and prescribes me some steroids + recommends i keep taking what i've been taking. tells me to follow up with my primary doctor and to come back if things get worse.

Things Continue To Get Worse.

i go to my primary doctor. she is not very helpful. i've been thinking of switching providers anyway because i'm moving and this has kind of solidified this decision because i'm told "well that's weird! just uhh. keep taking your antihistamines and don't go out in public. good luck :)" the only thing is its been a hot minute since i switched providers and i dont really remember what the process is like and i will inevitably get social anxiety about it.

this continues for a while. i'm managing, i feel like shit. but i am managing. now here comes the really gross part. this morning (9/15/23) i am chilling on my computer. i go to scratch my stomach, only to find... there is crust. around my belly button. why is my belly button so crusty? what? it turns out there is discharge of some sort coming from there. why? who knows! it's not too painful but between the fact my fever is now higher than it's ever been (although still a low grade one) and i have this unexplained discharge it throws me into one of the worst panic attacks i've had in a while. all the worst case scenarios (sepsis, my second greatest phobia besides anaphylaxis) are running through my head but i remind myself every time i've thought shit was mega fucked it turned out okay. mira also helps comfort me and im able to collect myself and go to the urgent care (again). also on top of this i have like 3 cold sores and my period going at the same time so i am extra suffering!!!!!!!!!!

the doctor there is again really understanding and wonderful. i love this woman. she tests me for flu, covid, strep, and mono. she says she tests for mono specifically because a lot of other doctors miss it and make patients suffer for no reason. all tests come back negative thankfully (or maybe unthankfully... because we still dont know what the fuck i got). she puts me on like 5 new different meds (antiviral, antibiotic, steroid, nausea meds, and an antifungal to help if i get a yeast infection while on the antibiotic). at this point i am genuinely wishing i could make this lady my primary doctor but alas, 'tis not to be.

i am now given 1 shot each of antibiotic and steroid. one in each butt cheek. my ass hurts so badly. sitting is vaguely uncomfortable.

i am given some gauze and also told to buy dial soap for the belly button infection. i go home and lay on the couch. and thus this is where we are now

also my electric company charged me like $200 for electricity which we do not have atm so thats a cool cherry on top

anyway moral of the story is that my immune system is garbage and i wish it attacked the virus instead of me <3

[sureuncertainty]

vent post ahead, cw for discussion of covid, anxiety and morality based OCD:

so my covid symptoms have almost completely resolved (I just have a lingering cough at this point) but I'm still testing positive on a rapid test (with a really dark line) so I'm extremely stressed about going back to work in a few days AND about the fact that I'm going out with my family tonight and tomorrow for my siblings' last days here, bc of how much they've been pressuring me.

as for work, i literally cannot NOT go back in to work i've already lost so much money and they won't let me stay out anymore anyway because their rule is 5 days after your symptoms start you go back and just wear a mask. and obviously i'll wear a mask but like. i feel so horrible about it. and as for going out with my family, they spent hundreds of dollars to fly down here and I promised them i'd get them into the parks and spend time with them and they've already been pressuring me a lot to do that the past couple of days and I was able to put my foot down then bc I still had symptoms but now that my symptoms are basically gone they won't accept 'am still testing positive' as a valid reason to not go out. and I just can't have that argument with them, not after the week I've had

so i keep going back and forth between 'i'm the worst person in the world for going back to my life before i have a negative covid test' and 'it's not my fault that there is literally no guidance anymore particularly regarding the new variant and everyone else has decided they literally don't care and there is no protection or safeguards to ALLOW me to keep isolating past five days like I did last time I had covid

i want to do my part to protect others as best i can but i feel like I can't (or that I won't and this entire post is just me trying to justify my horrific decisions) and it makes me so so so upset, and it frustrates me how other people get to just go do whatever they want and it doesn't matter, but i'm sitting here sobbing bc i don't wanna infect people but i feel like i have no choice but to go back out and keep living my life, bc of how our society just doesn't care anymore

anyway my brain is being really really mean to me about it (thanks OCD!) but it's extremely hard not to believe my brain that i do deserve to feel like an absolute piece of human garbage for starting to go out again, even if I mask up with a kn95. i'm doing what I can but I feel like I should be doing more, I should be putting my foot down i should be accepting the fact that I won't be able to make rent this month (my job wont' pay me for the time out I already missed so I'm already gonna be super tight this month) I should have done more not to have gotten it in the first place, and yeah. just spiraling about it and i feel like I"m going to live with the horrific guilt of this for the rest of my lif

and i KNOW that part of it is me being mean to myself but my religious and morality ocd is very hard to ignore, especially when it's being backed up by half the people on tumblr and twitter right now who act like if you haven't been isolating since march 2020 you're the literal scum of the fucking earth

i'm overthinking it i know i am sorry to make anyone read all this and i'll almost definitely delete it later i just had to get these thoughts out somewhere, thanks for reading

[thisloveforyourmom]

hey just so everyone's clear on this.

i am a young, triple vaxxed person with absolutely no health conditions. like, none. the closest thing i have is a mental disorder that makes my PMS worse. i've gotten regular exercise all my life, have a killer lung capacity from playing a brass instrument, my blood counts are all good, etc etc etc.

i got COVID and it put me out of work for a month.

when i say 'out of work' i don't mean 'i just kept testing positive even though i felt fine'. i mean that i had a fever of 100 for seven straight days, and intense fatigue after. once i tested negative, i drove 2 hours for a job interview in a different city, and i nearly had to get a hotel room on the way back.

for a 2 hour drive. that began at 11 AM after a full night of restful sleep in a hotel. i had to stop at multiple rest stops because i could barely stay awake at the wheel.

after that, despite being largely symptom-free besides the fatigue for a week, i spiked another 102 degree fever that did not go down for another five days and finally went to a doctor because i was coughing so hard i was vomiting. they told me that my immune system had gotten so blitzed that what i had now wasn't the covid i'd gotten over - it was a chest infection that had taken root while i was fighting it off.

after my fever finally went down - and again, this was not 'i feel fine except my temperature is high' fever, it was 'lie in bed absolutely frozen and dizzy and want desperately to get a blanket but you're too exhausted to even text your mom to ask that she bring you one when she's two rooms away' fever - it took another week to recover from that enough to work, since i'm a waitress (and got covid from my job anyway).

again. young. healthy. triple-vaxxed. and i live with my parents, who were more than happy to bring me whatever i needed and pick up prescriptions and make me healthy foods. i couldn't do anything for a month but lie in bed and recover, and when i tried it was disastrous. and that was february of this year - 2023. this shit aint over. be fuckin careful.

[blue-hi]

accidentally hit a deer this weekend and crashed the car, so now it's in the shop and i don't know how or when i'll get it back. first accident, physically all well, emotionally only able to handle it in the moment because i was with four of my closest friends. i flip-flop rapidly between being able to be light-hearted about it and being terrified. my parents don't like talking with each other and they're both very opinionated people with otherwise very different personalities and they have very different suggestions demands for me re: the rental and want to hash it out with me for some reason and not each other. because god forbid they talk to one another like adults. was previously in talks to drive another friend home for thanksgiving but i have no idea what this'll do to those plans because even if i get my car back for that i will be forced to take that same route again in the dark again and this time alone and i don't think i can handle that. don't get me started on christmas. had to put my foot down on my dad and already feeling like an asshole over travel plans he's trying to make with me and twin am gonna have to do that more in the figure as i pathetically try to grow a spinal cord and stand up for myself and set boundaries (hopefully getting a job soon (which he won't stop talking about) and unsure if i can take that much vacation time off especially that early into the job). roommate is sick with something, covid antigen test was negative but she looks like hell, unsure if she'll be able to pick me up from the enterprise if my mom's original plan to return the rental car tomorrow holds (hopefully without them bitching about each other to me during class). and even if she can i should start assuming i've caught it and will show symptoms in the next few days. no time to lose at school because i have three large papers to write before the end of the semester and god forbid one of the professors gives me any kind of feedback or expectations whatsoever (nothing for the entire semester has been graded). six weeks until the end of my program.

i want to scream

[vizthedatum]

I cleaned a lot just now. Vacuumed my entire bottom floor (is it perfect? No, but it is clean and looks better than it has for a while.), been disinfecting and really cleaning my kitchen, scoffing at my ADHD clutter (I am slowly decluttering and organizing), took out trash and recycling, organized my dirty laundry and bagged them to take it to my car, and… idk.

It was a super rough mental health day. First day back at work, and I still have a couple of things left to do. Was I even supposed to work today - isn't today a holiday? Fuck if I know sometimes.

—

I am having cold and allergy symptoms on top of everything.

I hope it’s not COVID-19 (mainly because UGH, and also because I've only had it once (that I'm aware of - I test often and regularly, and I am very on top of my vaccinations. I still track variants online.)

…

and covid is still traumatic for me emotionally because of that stupid ass motherfucker (my ex-spouse - I do not care why anymore. If anyone tries to tell me what to do and they disregard my public health training, fearmonger me despite their mental health issues that they treat only with weed and dissociation, doesn't even get vaccinated when they can unless I'm doing all the work in getting them to do so, morally shame me for a fucking illness, and control my fucking behavior… I guess I'll have them leave the premises, lol. Like, “You have my sympathy, but get the fuck out of my apartment and go to therapy instead of dysregulating my nervous system and watching my body pain-flare for your fucked up enjoyment and then telling me that I’m silly and that you're only with me because you like to fuck me. *throws clothes out in the street* *tells all my friends*”).

I also hope it’s not covid for the typical (very serious) reasons: long-term effects, limiting my actions, impacts on my disabilities, being sick, etc.

I do not feel physically awful outside of my depression and fatigue. I've had colds and flus worse than this. I've had allergies worse than this. Even the random cold I got last Fall was worse (I ran a fever, and my ex-partner took me to the ER where I tested negative for everything (flu, covid, RSV, and I think they may have run some other tests like strep, I gotta check) - I wish we didn't go because I am prone to running a fever due to autoimmune issues).

It is very possible my body is just reacting to the change of season, being on antibiotics very chronically the entire year, and malnourishment (I am genuinely trying to eat more and supplement my diet as much as I can).

I was also around three young children on Friday (but none of them have symptoms) so it could just be something from the school system lol.

Or allergies.

(I am having tests delivered and going to test ASAP instead of ruminating)

And I have a first meeting/date tomorrow. They seem so cute and cool—we might just be friends or more (I don't know!), but I am really excited to get to know them based on our really nice chats so far. But I won't be able to go if I have covid!!! SIGH.

[charlesherbertlightoller]

So since I've been decidedly less than actively engaged on here than I used to, perhaps my mutuals would like a life update. Well, unfortunately, there's nothing all that great to tell anyone about. In fact looking back, it's finally dawning on me that, despite the positive developments, 2024 has been the absolute worst and wasteful year of my life. I mean…

January – Discovered that I'm allergic to bananas and honey now.

February – Remembered that I attempted suicide round this time in 2020 and am still disappointed I didn't succeed; had a fight with my mom and decided to finally begin the process of moving out this year.

March – Feeling guilty about getting top surgery done on International Women's Day. Suffered a horrific attack of peripheral neuropathy a week post-op (more on that later).

April – Most likely caught COVID for the first time ever, though I was never tested so I can never be sure if it was It or just a bad cold; ironically, nobody else in the house got sick except me. Shortly after, fought with Mom again and left home permanently this time.

May – Month of Madness; started Wellbutrin and spiralled into the worst mental state I've ever been in in my life, with severe anxiety attacks, paranoia and psychosomatic symptoms (including what felt like a heart attack!). I might have been accidentally overdosing, too, since I was taking two extended release pills every day. Hospitalized thrice, called the EMTs at least 6 times. Even after detoxing, my legs would shake uncontrollably at times. Also had an ovarian cyst that blew (I went in assuming it was appendicitis) and it legit felt like I was dying. Learned that nobody cares about COVID anymore (my family included) and it's only getting worse, so I can't pursue a normal job if I want to stay safe.

June – Internalized Homophobia Month

July – Month of Madness 2. Had another fight with my mom, then got into a bike accident. Both my arms were practically useless for weeks on end, my right arm especially, even though nothing was broken. Dislocated my left shoulder on my birthday because I was using it to compensate for my right arm. The peripheral neuropathy and anxiety attacks were back, too; this was how I finally learned that I'm allergic to Tylenol, and I started getting better immediately after stopping it. Finally realized that my mom is a narcissist after our fight.

August – Vacation to Slovenia was cancelled. COVID scare, though thankfully I was negative. Keep fighting with my mom/coming to terms with the fact that she's a narcissist who's been emotionally abusing me for years, and that I just need to accept that she'll never change and I need to cut ties before it's too late. Otherwise did absolutely nothing this month.

September – Turns out huffing paint fumes from your staining project is bad for you! Who would have thought!? At least I got paid though, because I need to find a new healthcare provider after my plan changed. Starting to wonder if I have brain damage from either the Wellbutrin or possible COVID case in April, because I haven't felt normal since January. Also my dad is planning to take me to an immersive exhibition centred round my special interest…during the middle of the worst COVID wave in years, and I'll likely be the only person masking there.

Needless to say, I can only anticipate what will happen next this year with the utmost dread and preemptive disappointment as my world grows smaller by the day. I doubt I'll ever make a full comeback to any sort of social media in spite of it.

[papillon82fluttersby]

Health update:

So I did get sick, and here I am on day 4 of feeling like crap from something that may or may not be Covid. I tested negative, but the doctor said that the current variant often had negative results, and that what I had was definitely a viral infection.

I've never had Covid before, and I've also never been sick in the particular way I am now, so there's a logic there. It started with two days of fever with almost no other symptoms. The fever abated yesterday but as the day went through I was feeling more and more tired, just like I feel when I'm about to develop a cold. And lo and behold, all through the night and today it's like my nose has turned into a fountain. 🤧 Also I'm feeling really tired and my brain feels like mush.

But what I'm mad about, is that I know exactly where I caught this shit and it could have been entirely preventable. My manager went to work sick last week, and we share an office along with three other colleagues. She was coughing and sneezing and I was this close to asking her to wear a mask, but I ultimately didn't because I didn't want to make a scene and blow things out of proportion. In hindsight, I definitely should have!

TLDR:

1. Being sick sucks.

2. If you're sick from a flu-like illness, please try to do your interactions remotely. And if you can't: Be considerate, do the responsible thing and WEAR A MASK.

3. If you're in a situation where you see someone putting your health (or your coworkers' / other people's) at risk, SPEAK UP.

[rubyastari]

SO I'VE BEEN TOLD ...

I’m sure many of us have already got stories about getting infected by the virus. I know both my siblings have caught it twice, once in the past couple of years. My two oldest nephews caught it once.

Ma is thankfully safe from it. So am I. I’ve had Covid-like symptoms three times so far, although – thankfully – the swab test results were always negative.

The last one was last Friday. I mean, I’d been sneezing a lot since last Wednesday, but I thought it was just my allergic reaction to the office AC.

On Thursday morning at 3:00 am, I woke up with a really high temperature, a runny nose, a major sore throat, and ... very sore joints. If you had heard me scream from that room that morning, you’d probably have wondered what sort of horror movie that I was auditioning for. I mean, I was just lying in bed, trying to move my body left and right without hurting myself.

In short, I forced myself to eat – which scared me even more. I couldn’t taste the food! (“Nooo!!”) I still had to teach my classes online from home, since nobody could cover for me at such short notice. (Not the school’s fault – we’re understaffed at the moment.) So I just sucked it up, teaching through the pain. Friends worried and suggested that I get myself swabbed, even though I’ve already had three jabs of vaccination. I mean these days, you never know ...

It would’ve been funny if the result were the opposite, especially after almost everyone I know had at least one experience with it early on ...

Okay, you’re right. It’s not funny at all. I could imagine, though, the smugness of someone I used to know – who’d probably say things like: “Now, do you see how useless those vaccination jabs are, since you can still get it?”

Not worth responding to, but I’d probably reply: “At least I didn’t die from it as too many people back then!” I doubt he’d be happy to be right if I really did die from it – whether I’ve taken the jabs or not.

Damn PMS!

So when the result came back negative, my very first thought was: “Damn PMS!” It’s not the first time, though, so I wasn’t surprised anymore. Neither was my family. Since I’ve had a long history of fainting at school and at work because of that, they didn’t want to risk it. My brother picked me up from my place and drove me home after my last class on Friday night.

Yup, Indonesian Family Emergency Treatment 101. By then, I thankfully could start tasting food again. (YAY!)

So I’ve been told that there are men who still believe (and choose to believe nothing else) that women with PMS are always angry. Believe me, in my case, I’m too low on energy to feel such things. I’ll only be thinking about myself. Chances are you’ll be pissed with me, because I choose to ignore every rubbish thing you say – engulfed in my own pain.

Too Tired Of Fear-Mongering Know-It-Alls

So I’ve been told that life isn’t fair. Ha, old news already! I wasn’t born yesterday. Everyone has their own way to fight injustice. It’s one thing to just constantly moan about it on social media – by disguising it as “spreading awareness”.

It’s another story if you actually do something about it IRL. It’s your call to post about it online – with the risk of being considered “bragging” – or not. I know I shouldn’t be too harsh on such people.

The fact is, there are people who have always been aware of how unfair life has always been – even with all the privileges they have. They’ve always known it’s not the same for other people and – if they’re kind – they’re usually more understanding and empathetic – and less judgmental.

On the other hand, there are people who have just been aware of  how unfair life is, only because something is taken away from them. As sad as this sounds, you can tell the difference in how they look at life.

Of course, not all of them stay drowning in their own self-pity and envy towards others whom they deem always luckier (the 1%). Some choose to get up, ask for help, stop pointing fingers at other people, start to compromise, and focus on what they can still control. First things first.

So I’ve been told that the vaccination jabs might be “dangerous” – and that I’d be so stupid if I let myself get trapped by their regulations. Thankfully, I question everything myself and always seek for the most reliable, scientific resources to disprove that. Even so, it would still be far more dangerous for me to lose my job if I had been crazy enough to say no to vaccination. My government doesn’t financially support their unemployed citizens – and you’re screwed a lot worse if you’re a woman. (Please, don’t tell me to get married just so someone can financially support me!) Not when I still have to support my family, not when I need to stay sane through all of this.

So, I’m not going to apologize for my choices.

It’s funny how this pandemic has also changed some people you know very abruptly – almost like a 180-degree transformation. The one who used to talk loud about “being open-minded and tolerant towards differences” is now so pushy with what they want others to believe in. What an irony. The warmth has turned to cold.

So once upon a time, I was this lonely, vulnerable, and insecure girl who thought I was being protected. The truth was, I was mostly being talked over – as if I were a stupid kid. I didn’t want to believe it at first, because I didn’t want to lose that person. I kept holding on to those beautiful memories.

“No, I’m not trying to control you or tell you what to do. I just want you to be careful. I care about you.”

Sure. I started finding my own voice and other friends who respected me as their equal too. I thought this person was happy for me, but then I noticed their lack of interest in my friends – even when I always paid attention to theirs. I also remember how unhappy they always were whenever I disagreed with them.

“You’ll never be independent. You still rely on him.”

The last so-called friend who gaslighted me that way is now off into another orbit – and I am so relieved. To answer their question, not anymore. It hasn’t been that way for a long time.

So I’ve been told that – sometimes – days like this may come your way. Days when you have to start learning how to live without them, even by force of nature. It’s never easy, but often inevitable.

They’ll probably deny the fact that yes, there were times when they did silence me during arguments, gaslighted me, and guilt-tripped me if I ever said no to their demands. Dumbly, I’d been playing along – mostly in silence – because I thought it would be easier than causing a fight.

It was my fault that I’d been such a pathetic people-pleaser. I gave them my time and energy without enough left to sustain myself. I remember one of them used to get angry when I suggested that they write a blog or something. They acted as if I’d never want to hear their voice again, when all I needed was a break from their negativity!

Lessons learned. So I’ve finally awaken myself by creating healthier boundaries this time. I’m putting myself first.

We’ll always have those beautiful days (which I forever cherish), but I must accept that those days are over now. It’s about time that I stepped back gracefully, especially when things have gotten too mentally exhausting for me.

Friends forever? Yeah, right. Not when they claim that all friends are replacable, like old toys discarded once they no longer “serve their purposes” (or so they think).

R.

[nidailylife]

2.10.2023.

Been gone from this daily life blog and Instagram for a long time.

I caught Covid near the end of December. Then i got my whole house sick, because i was so sure it couldn't possibly be covid.😰 My symptoms started while walking in my large backyard with a mask on. How could it be covid?!? It had to be that pms flu some people get. But then the rest of my family got sick, we got tested, and---BAM. Covid. From the freaking backyard. With no neighbors around. While wearing a mask.😵

Fortunately, we're all covid negative now, though we're all still coughing. The doctors say that'll last 2 months. We had to postpone our family's Japan trip again, for the 4th(?) year. But that gives me more time to do my taxes.

Good thing too, because i got sick AGAIN. I've been getting an unusual amount of hives since 2020. (Maybe my "cold" that winter was also covid?) So i didn't realize anything unusual about a bump in January, until it didn't disappear like hives. Clearly now, it was a bug bite. Then it got bigger. Turned dark colors. Filled with puss. Burst like a giant pimple; now an open wound. I was getting chills and fevers, while dealing with an open wound on my butt. Being unable to sit, i couldn't do anything but lie in bed, and endure my fevers. And when i realized my sickness was because this bug bite was infected (and not just another instance of my history of becoming sick from getting too cold), i was still not well enough to think about a trip to the doctor. When the fevers left, being unable to sit meant i couldn't do anything. I couldn't draw, do photography, write, work on my laptop, etc. And while still recovering my strength, i didn't have the stamina to stand or go on walks. Whatever stamina i did have, went to recooking food on the stove, because our microwave has been broken for a while. I really miss having a microwave when you're too tired to stand.😭 When i finally got some energy back, all i could do was browse social media on my phone. And since Instagram posts usually take an activity on my part to document, i just had nothing to post.

I'm much better now, and my open wound only has around 1cm left of gap in my skin to close up. I can sit again, even for most of the day, and DO things.😄

I got my laptop taken in for repair, with 22 days of warranty left to spare. 🎊 The service even called me tonight to say i could pick it up on Monday.👍✨️

I got my city business tax e-filed, WEEKS earlier than i have in years. All because i didn't know how long my laptop repair would take, so i tried to get all my important computer stuff done before i sent it for fixing.

But what i haven't done is walk outside again. Frankly, I'm kind of afraid to. After my last 2 walks, i got an infected bug bite. During each of my 2 walks before that, i caught Covid. Maybe I'll be ok with walking outside again in 2 months or so. But my open wound is still trying to close and i don't want to take away its energy to heal. Early into this bug bite, i tried to walk, and my whole muscular tissue around that area was actually sore. I shouldn't have powered thru it. Now I'm going to give it more rest than ever. So i may not do daily walks again (or even go outside unnecessarily) for a couple months.

Other thing i haven't done in too long is draw. I forgot how hard it is for me to start again. Some artists say the necessity of daily practice is a myth. But for me, it's a must. I have no more confidence or even muscle memory about drawing anything.😭 I cant get the ideas out of my head, out thru my hand/pen, and onto paper!😭 Feels like a literal block between my brain and my hand.🥺 I need to admit for real this time that Creatury does not work for me. That January drawing challenge does not motivate me to draw. Then i fall off my daily drawing practice, and look where i am.😓 Every December, i burn out from consecutive months of drawing challenges: Smaugust, OTPtember, Inktober, Huevember. I need my January drawing challenge to be simple to pick up. One year, i sketched backyard flowers everyday for January. I should have done that again. Referential sketches don't take any thought, and with the end result, being able to emulate realism boosts my confidence. And because the sketches are based on my own photos, i can use them to make merch.👍 So from now on, daily flower sketches, every January.

Right now, I'm 10 days into February and haven't even started the Faebruary drawing challenge. One of my favorites, and I'm letting it fly by me.😓 This happens every year that i cant pick back up with my daily drawings in January.😖💧💧💧💧💧

On the bright side, i started learning how to crochet a belt cord. Which is something I've needed to be able to make for years. But it hurts my hand so much, I'm thinking of just sewing belts out of tougher fabrics instead.😜

This is my first time journaling in days, since my laptop has been off for repairs (and my hands don't have the stamina to write by hand for long anymore). I realize this has been a long post, but I just needed to catch up. 📝

Grateful to my cells for working so hard lately.

I've been sick lately, and am still fighting off several lingering effects. But I'm so thankful to my hard working cells, while watching them progress in closing up my open wound and gradually fight back my post Covid cough.

2.10.2023. Figure Friday.

Nendoroid White Blood Cell (Neutrophil), Red Blood Cell, and Platelet.

Plushies from Monster Pet Shop and GIANT Microbes by Drew Oliver.

Scrapbook paper