#i feel like hanging out with someone would restore some brain cells like actually

[ikyw-t]

ok but honestly tho at this point my loneliness is kinda literally killing me

[oneweekoneband]

meet me behind the mall!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know why Taylor Swift thinks that teenagers drink wine, and I don’t know why she chose to record and release a wistful high-school-other-woman song which left me feeling naked as a frog and therefore furious. Some questions we ask only so as to be soothed by the familiar sound of our own voice, still there after all. The answers are not coming. 

The Taylor Swift Teen Love Triangle Triad of “cardigan”, “august”, and “betty” is the part of folklore that makes me most bullish about where Taylor is going as an artist. A turn away from writing songs which are intentionally meant to appear confessional and toward, instead, songs which reveal the personal as refracted through fictitious circumstances and made-up characters is a better use of her big, weird brain, and allows that brain to be unleashed on a broader plain of experience. It’s incredibly embarrassing to be an adult woman with my own problems to manage and to have living in my head Taylor Swift’s demented YA fiction, but it’s an embarrassment that feels appropriate, like I could never really have escaped this fate. On “betty” she gets to play-act as a contrite teen boy who knows he’s done wrong, and while obviously the most charming thing about the song is Taylor saying “fuck” (and also her giving us a little of the ol’ razzle dazzle by way of some light twang), her experiment with imagining what it’s like to be a skateboarding kid who hates dances, trying on an imagined teen boy interiority as a costume, is effective too. 

“cardigan” is more removed, less plaintive and shouty. This is a song from adult Betty’s perspective looking back on this period in her life and in her relationship with James, who the song seems to imply she is still with now. While—full offense—I believe marrying your high school girlfriend or boyfriend is a disorder which should have its own listing in the DSM, restoring order by putting the original couple back together so as to make the story one of true love triumphing over adversity, rather than a series of sketches of kids doing fuckup kid things just because it is not easy to be alive and to be alive alongside others and with gentleness, least of all when you are very new at it,  is the only conclusion this saga could ever have reached with Ms. Swift at its helm, and I do appreciate the consistent, if baby-brained, internal logic. I’ve never known a teenage girl whose signature garment was a cardigan and, frankly, this Betty sounds like sort of a self-absorbed drip (I do love, love, how Taylor’s own voice comes through so clearly on the lightly threatening, smug lines, “I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired / And you’d be standing in my front porch light” !!) so I’m not totally surprised she got cheated on, but that’s very uncharitable of me and probably comes from the same meaty polyp in my brain that is responsible for my still loving all the hilariously mean-spirited, woman-hating songs on Speak Now.

“august” is about the other girl. The “her” in James’ rather pathetic defense, “slept next to her, but I dreamt of you all summer long”. “august” tells a story that brings to my mind another story. It is a story I won’t belabor because it is neither exciting nor unique. It will not illuminate an unexplored human experience, as it is, in fact, incredibly boring, regular, an incident which would be at home in any normal Tuesday, ordinary as meeting at the mall. This is a million years ago and there is a boy whose basement I go to sometimes after swim practice. We have matching team sweatpants with our names embroidered above the pocket at the right hip and I like to switch pairs. I’m you and you’re me and when we have pushed and bent the tiredness out of our muscles together, making experimental declarations in hushed voices down there while the furnace groans, well, then I’m you and me and you’re you and me and we are we are we are. 

One February day at twilight I bound out of the school building with wet hair and a fleece jacket, but his car is already gone. No worries. Standing at my locker the next afternoon like in a movie he will say, easy as anything, that he has a girlfriend, a family friend, two towns over, she goes to private school. You’ve probably met her, he says. And right then I remember that I have. Last year I did her zipper in the bathroom at a dance. We were fighting but we never really broke up, he says. For months you’ve been fighting? is all I say back. Fighting since October? As if that matters. Like that’s the point. My voice is pinched and ugly and I know I’ll hear that sound forever. Well, anyway... I feel bad. He doesn’t clarify for whom he feels bad. He’s got one sneaker toe working against the other one atop the tile floor that’s the murky green of sea glass. He looks at my St Brigid’s cross necklace, at the blue Masterlock hanging open like a broken jaw, at someone in a hoodie who punches his shoulder as they walk by. Nothing personal, he says, and there is a tiny smudge of cafeteria pizza at the corner of his mouth that I hadn’t noticed until that second and a day ago would’ve reached up and wiped away with the pad of my thumb, laughing. I get it, right? Oh, sure. 

The worst of it was not skipping pre-calc to cry in the bathroom, since, I mean, I couldn’t actually do pre-calc and would never learn how, but was inspecting my soul in the dark when I couldn’t sleep that night and finding part of me had known this all along, had chosen to pretend, wanted the wanting so badly I’d knocked from my brain the truth of how it was going to end. This would not be the last false love from which I’d find myself unceremoniously discarded, and in time I’d learn to be the liar myself, too. It’s unseemly to pathologize bad decisions, to take on poor impulse control or self-destructive patterns as an identity, but I do think that just as some people are born serial monogamists, part of a twosome forever with very little mess in-between, some of us were built from the very first cell to live like a pool ball struck and banging teeth first into the wrong mouths and hearts. I can examine my romantic history and tap my finger against the obvious errors, the times I chose what I knew would hurt me, when I ascribed hope to situations where it did not belong, when I, like the narrator of “august”, regarded someone as not mine to lose but still put myself in the position to be harmed by the losing, yet I can’t produce alternative choices that feel realistic. If you are in love and it doesn’t work out, there is mourning, there is pain, but there is all the while a record which shows something happened, it was real. “august” stands somewhat apart in the Taylor Swift catalog as a song neither about the glory of true love or the heartbreak when it’s over, but about the small, paper cut heartbreaks that are inescapable during each day of an untrue love. “It was never mine”. When it turns out you were wrong the whole time, fooling yourself, then even remembering that you’d been happy in the lie is like being trapped in a fun house, body bent and broken in the mirror, a thing not built right for this world. 

“august” is about the girl who James was with over the summer, the girl he leaves to return to Betty. Taylor said it’s the first of the three that she wrote, and I fear this has warmed me to her in some new and unsettling way. I fear this means she’s matured as a person and writer, capable now of a more expansive view of situations, to be generous. It’s like how you shouldn’t feed gremlins after midnight; there is no telling what new and more dangerous creature this woman might turn into if she’s suddenly been taught empathy. When Taylor-as-James in “betty” sings, “Would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?” in his effort to woo Betty back I hate him a little, that thoughtless child undeserving of the kind of adoration in lines like, “your back beneath the sun / wishing I could write my name on it.” I try to extend grace to this fictional boy, but I think of the “Do you remember? in “august” and I feel a little sick from being so certain that no... No, he doesn’t. Not really.

“Back when we were still changing for the better / wanting was enough / for me it was enough”. I’d like to think there is no last chance to change for the better. I’d like to think wanting is enough so long as you want the right thing. I’d like to think that God made sure Taylor Swift became a singer instead of a young adult novelist because the absolute last thing this world needed was this freak joining the circus that is YA Twitter. Most of all, I like thinking that Judy Blume knows that her beautiful, searing, devastatingly romantic and also textually gay 1998 novel Summer Sisters is the only important book that has ever been published, and, further, that the world will show me the respect of understanding and accepting that “august”, when removed from the context of the Swiftian child romance trilogy, sounds as if it were specifically written in homage. Taylor, I know I’ve accused you of at least fifty crimes this week alone, but if you want to talk about Summer Sisters, please get in touch.

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 13

What the Hell?

Hey y’all. We’re back with a very eventful episode of Fantasy High--both from a plot an RP perspective--so let’s not waste any time getting into it. As you remember from last week, the kids are split up doing their various investigative activities. The first group we’re gonna check back in with are the Owlbears--Gorgug, Fabian, Ragh, and the Hangman--who are with the gnomish tinkerers.

Gorgug talks to the head gnome dude (Krumpkin in case I didn’t mention before) and asks to have his shoes loaded up with springs, which he is happy to do. Lou--via an offhanded comment that he absolutely commits to--establishes that Fabian has extremely small feet which is not plot relevant but I felt like I needed to mention. While they’re waiting for the shoes to be done, Krumpkin brings in a logbook so they can see what Killian--the elf working for Arianwyn--bought. It was a lot of stuff used in making magical candles and 2 blocks of Dusk Moss Incense. Dusk Moss is a hallucinogenic moss that people use recreationally to have sort of lucid dreams while awake. Gorgug knows that some kids in school do Dusk Moss but he’s never heard of it being in incense form before. He decides to buy everything that Killian did to be safe--including the drugs which he and Fabian are (hilariously) very flustered about.  

The gnomes give Gorgug his upgraded shoes and, in return, they just want to check out his crystal. Easy trade. He explains to them how the crystal works and Gorgug realizes, “Hey. I’m surrounded by people who know how to build stuff.” Maybe they can help with making a cell tower. They think they might be able to do it but they’d need access to more raw materials. Either that or access to a satellite. Gorgug (with the help of Fabian’s Bardic) suddenly remembers: while he was in jail the year before his parents actually launched a satellite into space! And a bunch of the schematics and stuff for it are in the Van. They go to get it while we flash over to see how the Nerd Squad is doing. 

They’re still casing the room Arianwyn was staying in at the Owl and the Harp. Adaine finds non-detection runes her mom put up to keep Falinel from finding her. She also can tell that two rituals happened in the room: one to kill Killian and the other to put the Devil’s Heart Ruby (ie: The Gorthalax one) into his body. Riz realizes that the ritual isn’t about getting into Sylvere so much as getting the Shadowcat into Sylvere by way of having the gem Petrosmos (as is rock+osmosis--as in what’s going on with Ragh’s mom) with someone she’s infected. He also finds a lot of super old school medical texts written in, like, hieroglyphs almost. Adaine ritual casts Comprehend Languages so she can read it and one of the texts is a diagram of a centaur with scary looking cat symbols at its eyes, ears, tongue, sinuses, and spine but not the brain (which they later deduce means that she can access their senses but not their thoughts).  He also knows that the two rituals were cast 24 hours apart which means that either Arianwyn left while they were partying or somehow knew to do the ritual the second they initially grabbed Aelwen.

Adaine rolls to try to find proof that her mom cares about her any personal effects left behind and does that thing people always do in movies where they lightly shade over a piece of paper to see what was written on the sheet on top of it. She finds a note written in her mom’s handwriting that says: Aelwen is with me. You are betrayed. You have no other choice, darling. Come join us. It seems as if she wrote it down to make sure she was under the limit for Sending. Adaine assumes it was to her Dad since it wasn’t to her. Riz also sees that the amount they were packing is way more than they would need to get to the temple. It’s hard to tell exactly what they were going there to do though because they brought all the important stuff with them.

They discuss Kalina’s abilities some more and are pretty confident that she can only be in one person at a time. They also think she’s unable to get into a Moon Haven/the Hallowed Van but they’re not sure if she can get in if she’s already in one of them before they go in. Adaine wants to establish that any private info, they Message to each other instead of saying it out loud. With an 18 Medicine check, Riz knows there’s a cure but he doesn’t know what it is. He takes all of the research to bring back to the party clerics who we’ll visit right now actually.

The Clerics and Fig are in the shrine with Vrath, the super aggro devil who’s just served Fig a subpoena. Fig reads it and sees that she’s being subpoenaed as a witness for a Tribunal against Gorthalax for neglecting his domain (he’s gotten 9 summonses which have all lapsed). Fig thinks it’s just a misunderstanding since Gorthalax is in a gem. Fig wants to do some court shenanigans but Kristen convinces her to at least get everyone together first.

Gorgug gets the research to the gnomes and they think they can rig something up in maybe a day. Then, the Owlbears go check in with the other two groups. After being told about the whole subpeona situation, Sandra-Lynn points out that Gilear actually knows a good amount about the law. He insists he’s not a lawyer but agrees to help and, upon reading the subpoena, says it seems pretty above board. Fig and Kristen also think they might be able to recruit the devils to fight against the NK while they’re in Hell since devils hate demons.

Adaine sets up the Message system they talked about earlier and Kristen decides to peruse the medical docs Riz found. NAT 20 BAY-BEE! And Kristen might have a -3 to Dex but she has a +9 to Medicine. That’s a big ol’ 29! 

After taking a second to eat his dice and contemplate how jossed his plans are, Brennan says that they can make a tincture using Dusk Moss and some other alchemical supplies from Sylvere that would cure it and that, with a Nat 20, she understands it so well that she specifically can cure it with Greater Restoration. Sandra-Lynn talks about what she found (where Arianwyn and Co. entered the forest) to cover the fact that Adaine and Fig are Messaging this information mentally to the group so Kalina doesn’t know what they know. Adaine thinks maybe they should start saying things that are untrue out loud so that Kalina is getting bad info. Fig thinks maybe they cure everybody but one person so they can control the info she’s getting but realizes that Kalina would probably realize what they’d done and catch on. Tracker pitches that they also could just all go in the Hangvan to be safe and then Kristen could one by one cast Greater Restoration on everyone who needs it. But she can only cast it once a day so it would probably take longer than they have.   

Gorgug asks a very insightful question that hadn’t occurred to me--if Sandra-Lynn is infected, why isn’t Gilear? Fig relays the question to her slightly embarrassed mom who says she must have gotten it within the past 3 years. Not info Fig really wanted to know I’m sure but these things come up when you go adventuring with your parents.

Anyway, after some more discussion, they decide that they have to go the tincture route so they can all get cured at once since doing it piecemeal means they lose their element of surprise and they also decide that going to Hell to clear up Gorthalx’s tribunal is top priority. Tracker stays behind in the Van since she can’t get into the temple where the door is because of the mural while everyone else tries the door. Fig goes in first but stands in the doorway so it stays open (if anyone else tries to approach, the door starts growing thorns). Gilear walks in, Riz is hanging onto Fig. Fabian and Adaine are next, both on the Hangman but the doorway recognizes a devil (the Hangman) going through the door and shuts, leaving Fig, Riz, Gilear, and the Hangman in Hell and everyone else in the shrine.     

Gilear immediately gets knocked out by fire-rain but Riz brings him back with his healer feat and the Hangman (who is very sad puppy about being separated from Fabian) gives him a devil mark on his forehead that protects him from fire. Gilear also says that, as long as they go to the tribunal, the devils will have to send them home afterwards. On their way to the tribunal, Gilear has some playful banter with Fig which Riz is immediately suspicious of he gets Gilear to blurt out in a panic that he’s feeling confident because Sandra-Lynn and Jawbone broke up and she asked to sleep with him and he declined. They had a good talk and they left it on good terms but that’s what’s going on. Fig is happy Gilear is feeling more confident, especially since she feels a little guilty about his whole deal, a fact that shocks Gilear. She thinks it’s obvious. She’s a living reminder of the fact that he got cheated on by his wife. He pauses. Then he says he’s going to step up for her and turn his life around. Oh, also, Riz going absolutely feral but that’s unrelated. 

They get to court which is overseen by Vraz (plus a Spiked dude and a Chained dude--Blozo, Vraz’s boss, is stuck in traffic). Fig is called up and asked if she knew of any intention by Gorthalax to neglect his duties. She says no and that Gorthalax was trapped in a gem by Kalina via a proxy (which, you will remember, was her). Brennan makes Fig roll to get away with that tricky wording of the technical truth and Adaine gives her a Nat 20 portent roll to beat Vraz’s 23. That gets Gorthalax off the hook for punishment but they still have to get someone to run the place while he’s gone and the tribunal isn’t over. Vraz calls a recess and puts the party on house arrest in hell. Also, Fig cut herself to show her blood to prove she was Gorthalx’s daughter and inadvertently created a fully sentient imp valet for herself so that’s also something that’s happening.   

Back in the shrine, Adaine checks out the mural and sees an occult rune on the spellbook and realizes she’s seen it somewhere. They then go check out the spot Sandra-Lynn found where Arianwyn entered the forest and the briers there are actually more tangled than in other places, not less. It seems like they were trying to throw people off by entering through a less intuitive spot but also that it will probably slow them down. They go back home to prep and wait for the rest of the party. Fabian gets a ping from the Hangman asking if he should try to call his dad. After a little bluster, Fabian admits that yes, yes he should. 

Meanwhile, Kristen wants to check out their coins to see if they have the spellbook (though Gorgug thinks the baddies already have it) and Adaine realizes she saw the symbol at the Compass Points library so Ayda would know what it means. She doesn’t have Sending stocked so she decides to trance so she can either get a short rest or have a long one and get the spell prepared, depending on when they need to leave. Gorgug decides to go see how the gnomes are doing with his crystal. Since he’s there, he can help out. Nat 20! They get the crystal to work. He now essentially has a satellite phone.

He magic Facetimes Zelda who is at a party with the rest of the 7 Maidens. She’s shocked that Gorgug was able to rig his phone to work on the road and she’s not even mad at him anymore. She apologizes for reacting so strongly and says she misses him so much. In the background, her party members do the extremely teen girl thing of hyping up the boyfriend that they all like. He and Zelda have a sweet little conversation and Gorgug lets her know that they’re about to go into the forest so their service might not be great. Zelda says that they’re done with their quest so he shouldn’t worry about her. She also says he loves him which the gnomes with Gorgug are super stoked about. They pop some bottles. 

Adaine wakes up from her trance, restocks her spells, and casts Sending to ask Ayda about Planeshift and the rune she found. Ayda says they should use the Synod of Spires and has Adaine check her right jacket pocket where she finds a glowing blue key. When Adaine uses it on a nearby, glowing lock, she finds herself in this cool pocket dimension which Ayda also appears in. She gives Adaine a copy of the spell (it’s 1st level I believe) so she can use it too when they need to talk and the Sending spell would be inconvenient. Re the symbol: Ayda says it’s an Abjuration rune (but not a protective one, a meta-magic one ie: modifying magic) that masks powerful curses and spells by letting them Trojan Horse under a different curse (she says the underlying curse could be a vessel for other spellcasting which sounds like a spellbook to me). She also says the larger Trojan Horse curse would be better if it was something static--Adaine suggests the wall around the forest and Ayda says that could work.     

When Adaine offhandedly mentions that Fig is currently stuck in Hell, Ayda freaks about rescuing her immediately, eventually revealing that they kissed for an hour the night before (“AN HOUR???”) to Adaine’s immediate delight (until she starts in on the TMI at least). Ayda actually was about to call Adaine as well so she could ask her to use her Oracular abilities to suss out how to avoid any possible futures where Fig doesn’t want to be with her anymore which has got to be the most teen girl thing Ayda has ever done in any of her lives. Adaine tells her that that’s not really how her powers work but reassures her that Fig wouldn’t play with her emotions and it wouldn’t be weird for her to ask Fig for clarification about their relationship status. They end up having a little talk about how both of them are wired differently which they bond over and the episode ends with Ayda mentioning that she created the friendship section of the library that Gorgug found a while back out of loneliness. And now she has a best friend and a girlfriend (probably)! What a different ending that a devil subpoena.  

 Detention

Kristen for Trying to Handcuff Sandra-Lynn 

No one actually did anything too crazy this episode so I’ll give it to Kristen for a joke I have no idea how she saw going over well.   

Honor Roll

Kristen for Making Brennan Eat His Dice (And Going Full Jonas Salk All Over Kalina’s Ass) 

I think the only other person who’s made both lists in one ep is Fig.

Anyway, you know I had to give it to Kristen for that Nat 20 to figure out literally everything in those medical texts and how to cure everybody. What a clutch time for Ally’s dice powers to kick in. This is why Kristen had to almost break her leg ribbon dancing out a window. Equivalent exchange. 

(Also, props to Brennan for honoring the roll and probably jossing some of his own plans in the process.)

Random Thoughts

Housekeeping Update: There are only 7 episodes of Sophomore Year to go (not counting this one)!  March 25th is the last one so prepare accordingly! As much as I’m enjoying these, I’m pretty OK with this since I think more digestible content is one of the big strengths of Dimension 20 content. 

Also, for those of y’all who don’t watch Critical Role or missed last episode, on Friday (2/14) Ally will be playing on their Valentines Day one-shot of Monsterhearts (monster high school setting) and, based on the promo, looks like they’ll be playing a werewolf so be sure to check that out if you want more of Ally’s shenanigans in your life.  

I feel like Brennan must have a lot of fun coming up with nonsense gnome names. They’re all so insane. 

“Anything is an alchemical ingredient depending on what you’re trying to do.”

Lol at Lou being like, “We all have the same information and I didn’t figure out any of that,” when the Nerd Squad was figuring stuff out irl.

I love how Gorgug has no patience for eleven nonsense but someone says the word, “crystalmatron” to him and he doesn’t bat an eye. 

“This is in hell.”/”What!?”/”Hell.”/”What!?”/“Hell.”

Gilear: Everyone is in great danger all of the time

Adaine: I agree.

Gilear: Good? But also disquieting coming from the Oracle.

It occurs to be that Garthy is a really bad person to be infected by the Kalina Virus considering their occupation and how good they are at it. 

Fig is right. A simultaneous, “Bye Kalina,” would be very dope. 

If Kalina happened to be watching them at any in this episode, it’s good that they bought the Duskmoss beforehand. Like, if Kalina knows they bought Duskmoss blindly because they just bought everything Killian did, she’d be a lot less suspicious of them than if she sees them suddenly buy 2 huge bricks of an important ingredient in the cure for her.  

It occurs to me that Jawbone is also a bad person to be infected with the Kalina Virus. 

Oh man, Jawbone and Sandra-Lynn just got a house together with so many people. And now they broke up. I know they’re both being adults about it and all but you can’t tell me it’s not gonna be a little awkward.

I wonder what Zayn is doing back in the haunted house while this is going on. No real reason. Just wanna know. Like is Adaine gonna come back and he’s like, “I taught Edgar how to do a trick. What about you?” And she’s like, “Hoo, boy. Where do I even start.”

Fantasy drugs in D&D are always so so funny to me.  Also, lol at the fact that Adaine is actually pretty down to do fantasy hallucinogens (she thinks they might be therapeutic). 

The 6/7 Maidens texting Gorgug to be like, “Good job buddy!” is such a sweet detail. 

The vulnerability from Fig talking to Gilear in this episode. Gah. Fig’s thing is that she’s not a closed book despite what she says. She’s a wide open book for the most part. But that’s not the same as letting yourself be vulnerable necessarily. And the clear shock from Gilear that Fig would not only concern herself with his wellbeing in that way (like, she’s always head of the Gilear cheer squad but this is like, more than surface level, you know?) and that she would put it upon herself--something that she should never have to deal with as the child? I did not ASK for touching scenes from GILEAR but by God are they happening anyway.

Upon learning that Fig is wearing her library card behind her ear now instead of a clove (in tribute to Ayda of course) I got my library card and tried that and, folks, it is for sure a Choice. 

Man I hope Adaine messes with Fig over Ayda. Them acting like bratty sisters (like them fighting for rooms in ep 1) is one of my fave dynamics amongst the Bad Kids. 

Do we know how/why Ayda ended up in Leviathan in the first place? Like, did Aguefort just drop her there for some reason? Is that where she was conceived? How sentient are phoenixes? Does she have any kind of relationship with her mom?

“I want to be alone but also surrounded by my friends at all times.” Again, too real. 

Siobhan knows so many crazy words offhandedly. When Brennan said “synod” I started Googling and before I even pressed Enter she was like, “So it’s a church thing.” Wild.

@jamiebluewind has a Galaxy Brain theory that the kids need to get rid of all of their Kalvaxus gold for the coin/spellbook to reveal itself (details here) which I think makes a lot of sense because from a storytelling/gameplay perspective it would be weird for them to have possibly spent it before they even knew it was a thing they were looking for.

The obvious person that Arianwyn would have sent that Message to would be her husband but I’m wondering if either it’s a mislead or a trap because we know they’re not working together because of Aelwen (who I’m inclined to believe). What is your game Mom Abernant? What are you doing?

They got Gothalax out of punishment by saying that the reason he hasn’t shown up is because he’s been in a gem but 9 seems like a lot of summonses to have received in the past, what, four days (?) since he’s been trapped. Feels like a longer-standing issue potentially. 

Kristen and Gorgug each roll one Nat 20 in this episode and Fig gets one via Adaine’s portent roll. Fig and Fabian each roll one Nat 1. 

[unnecessarywriting]

Agent Rogers

Chapter 2: Trials and Tribualtions

A/N: Thank you for all of the support. This is a story that gives info about the Character and how she became who she is. This has info from the show Agent Carter. The next chapter will take place starting around the Avengers and will move forward through the MCU. Again it’s gonna get a little weird. Also anything that is rushed may have more information in flashbacks later on in the story.

If you want to be tagged just let me know!

The first few trials weren’t too bad. The pain was mediocre and nothing really happened to me. Steve’s blood was limited and there were only so many combinations of the serum to be made. It wasn’t until trial 11 that my life completely changed forever. See, if none of them worked, I could go back home to Brooklyn and live out the life of a young single woman. I could find a husband, get married, have a few kids, and live my life out until I ultimately died of old age or some disease. That would be the ideal end, but alas, some idiotic genius had to find the missing part of the potion and make me “super.” The last vile of blood was about to be wasted on me, and I couldn’t help but be grateful that no one else would have to suffer through this like I have.

Howard gave me the look that said “I’m sorry but I have no choice.” He has a choice. I’m the one who is meant to become a mindless weapon of destruction.

The new drug was created and once again I am moved into the chamber. Here we go again. Another failed experiment.

The drug is injected into me, but the sting in my arm moves throughout my body. Every cell feels like it has been lit on fire and I am burning from the inside. It isn’t until my muscles start to spasm that I realize that this is actually happening. I am changing, and that happily ever after is too far for me to ever reach again.

Howard and I make eye contact when I emerge. He knows what happens. He knows this is his fault. He dragged me away from my sorrow. Now, I’m no better than my idiot brother who killed himself for his country. Great.

I walk down the street. I look normal, but it doesn’t feel right. My senses are heightened and my body feels both light and unusually heavy. The serum has been in my body for about a week now. Somehow Howard convinced the government to let me out of my confinement. The serum’s effects are unknown, so I’m a presumed threat to society.

Howard is walking with me talking about his latest inventions and what other ideas he has, but I tuned him out immediately.

“Elizabeth? What are you thinking about?”

I look forward and try to act as if my life isn’t completely over. “I’m fine.” It’s not untrue. I’m fine. My life is over, but what kind of life was I living before? A caretaker to my brother and waitress. What a life.

“Tomorrow starts a series of tests on your strength, so I need to make sure that you are stable mentally. Liz, this is not what I wanted for you. I never thought they would actually succeed.”

“Thank you Howard, but I m done caring. Whatever happens in the future is not you fault.” That is a lie. It is his fault. He should have just left me to myself that night. He could have even chose to kill me. Even that would be better than this.

——

Weeks of testing went by. Strength testing and training turned into weapon work. They gave me a shield, but I just threw it I to the wall. I’m not Captain America. I will not be his replacement.

Today they let me on my own for the whole day. I guess it was meant to restore my strength or mentality or something along those lines. All I want is to leave this place and live a life in solitude and peace. So, I drew up my plans.

The next day I woke up especially early. I strung up the rope and waited until it was time for them to collect me for more testing. As I heard the guards down the hall, I strung myself up and waited to be let down.

——

I was a rat. An experiment. Nothing more, nothing less. So, they threw me away like the trash I was. I was left out at sea to be eaten away by the ocean and eventually anything within its waters. Little did they know that a rope is not enough to kill someone enhanced. I escaped and am dead to the world. The Roger family is gone. For good.

——

A couple of months turned into a year. I was bored. Solitude was great, but I wanted something more. So here I am. In New York again. I walk up to the phone company. The SSR hidden away in the back. I know the drill. In my time alone I did my research. Amongst Stark’s “crimes” I was able to become more involved with the agents and their lives. Did they know? Of course not, but with Peggy Carter working there, I had no choice but to do my research.

I open the doors and emerge through the girls on the phones.

“I’m here for Peggy.”

“I’m sorry, but she is not here at the moment. I can take your name and a message.” The woman responds.

I pull out the pistol and place it to her side.

Soon enough I’m walking through the doors into the office of the SSR.

“Hello, Ms...”

“Call me Elizabeth. Can you show me to Agent Carter please?” I tried to sound as innocent as possible, but then again, this man must know that I just pulled a gun on one of his employees.

“Sure, follow me.” I am led into a room that looks a lot like an interrogation room. I sit down at the table and await the handcuffs. As suspected, I am cuffed to the table and the man leaves the room. A couple of minutes later another man enters.

“So, you’re the woman who pulled the gun on one of my own? You don’t look the type.” I stay silent and allow the comment to fly right over my head.

“Well, it appears that you have information about Stark. You are aware that he and Ms. Carter are in a lot of trouble with the government right?”

“I wasn’t born yesterday Agent...”

“Thompson.”

“Agent Thompson. I know nothing about whatever they have gotten themselves into. Truly, I am actually here to talk with Peggy about other matters. I wasn’t aware that she had been caught working with Stark so soon.”

“So you knew they were working together?”

“Well, it appears I have already said too much.”

“Listen. Here I have a stick. There used to be a carrot, but the man who ran that part of the interrogation has passed away recently.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that agent, but you aren’t going to hurt me. I know what that stick means. I do have to say Thompson, if you weren’t threatening me right now, you would most definitely be my type, but alas, we are here in this situation.” Sure, I flirted with the guy. I’m single now, so what’s wrong with a little fun. I guess the serum made me a little more confident.

We both hear a commotion going on outside. “Stay here” he says as he walks out. It’s almost like he read my mind. I pull out the pin from my hair and unlock the cuffs. I place the pin back in my hair and walk out into the office. In the conference room I see Peggy and Stark’s dog, Jarvis.

I open the door to see Howard sitting in one of the chairs. Only Howard would turn himself into the government for something he didn’t do.

“Ms. Carter, it has been awhile.” She turns around to look at me. The shock on her face was near priceless. She engages with me and I can tell that I was the last person she was expecting to see.

“What are you doing here?” She asks in unison with Stark.

“Well Peggy, I initially came here to taunt you, but I’ve been watching you over the past few weeks and I became intrigued. See, my brother really did have feelings for you. In fact, I think you were the first woman he ever really talked about. I was initially jealous over your ability to say goodbye to him, while I was left to find out later that he passed. Our last words weren’t the greatest, but here I am and I guess seeing you move forward has inspired me to finally do the same. So I guess I came here to thank you for loving my brother, and giving me the closure I need to move forward with my life.”

After my speech, I hear the door open behind me.

“How did you get in here?” Thompson asked.

“I told you I had business with Peggy, so please leave. I’m almost done.”

Peggy interrupted, “Ms. Rogers, I have a letter from your brother, but after he passed, I tried to find you, but you were missing.”

I turn my head to look at Howard. “Yes, I did have some things to attend to.” He hung his head in shame. “I will see you again soon then. I would like to see what my brother had to say. And Howard, the next time you get in trouble, I don’t want to be the one who has to get you out. We both know I am much less forgiving and kind than Ms. Carter.”

“Rogers?” I hear Thompson say behind me. “I thought all of the Rogers were dead?”

“Have you ever been hanged, agent? It’s quite the endeavor.” Peggy nods alongside me. I turn to leave and walk past Agent Thompson.

“Ms. Rogers..”

“Elizabeth.” I say with my hand up to him.

“You can’t just leave here knowing about this place. You did pull a gun on one of our agents as well.”

“And if you don’t let me leave, Agent, I will fire my gun on your, and I have to say that would be a shame. You’re too handsome for a bullet wound. Goodbye Mr. Thompson, I do hope that I will be seeing you again in the near future. Possibly over dinner?” I gave him a wink and left him alone with a slight blush and flustered look.

——

Years later

Peggy and I have met a few times through Stark. Him and I have become quite well acquainted.

I saunter into his home in California, where I see Peggy, Jarvis and one of the men from the SSR.

“Elizabeth, to what do I owe the pleasure.”

“Please Stark, I’m actually not here for you. Peggy, I have some business I would like to speak to you about.” She looks at me with confusion, but she agrees anyway. We gather in the other room where I deliver my plans.

“The government can’t keep controlling everything. Peggy, you are a woman who has constantly been pushed aside. If there is anyone who can understand this, it’s you. Let’s start something new. Our skills together and our brain power is enough to take over the world. For the better, obviously, but we could be doing serious things. Good things that could change the world.” We talked for hours, and eventually Stark invaded our plans. He would be important as well. By the end of the night, we had started our own agency, and we were in charge. Something that had never been seen in this time. SHIELD was about to begin.

——

“We got her.” That was all I heard as I awoke from my slumber. Kidnapped.

Shield has been working out really well, so I figured I could emerge from my shadow of operations and go off and find something to do. Peggy was doing amazing in charge and Stark was constantly inventing new and useful technology. Over the years him and I became close. Best friends if you will, but I needed time away from the chaos of government paperwork. Before shield really started, I had begun my journey out in the field, and when Shield took off, my field work was limited to walking in and out of the office.

My limbs felt slightly weaker, but I was not drugged. Starved maybe, but the serum doesn’t allow for drugs to compromise my abilities. I know, I’ve tried to get something to work. The door in front of me opens and a man enters. His voice is thick with a Russian accent.

“Ms. Rogers, I hear you’ve died.”

“The name’s Elizabeth, and I have done my time with death. What do you want?”

“A super soldier. Let me rephrase. A female super soldier. A killer, someone who can do the deed with ease. You see Ms. Rogers..”

“Elizabeth.”

“Ms. Rogers, we have a problem here. Hydra has weaponized another soldier, and it is only a matter of time before they send him upon us. We need you. Trained and ready for the kill, so we aren’t completely helpless when the Winter Soldier arrives.”

“So, all I have to do is train to become an assassin and protect you guys from this Winter Soldier?”

“And kill whoever we tell you to.”

“Fine, but I have a choice of killing who I kill.”

“It’s been a pleasure doing business with you Ms. Rogers.”

As he left, he told the guard something in Russian and never returned.

For a couple of years, I studied the art of assassination. I trained daily and killed who I was told. I knew who I was working for, but I needed, or rather wanted, my training to conclude. I got the kill list and went to work. Eventually, it was time to do away with my employers. After their deaths and an interesting meeting with another assassin, I returned to Shield.

Shield accepted me with open arms. If anything, no one knew who I was over the past years, or what I had done. All they knew is that I left and returned with a new set of skills and the nightmares to prove I had been through the ringer.

I told Peggy that I needed to spend my time disguised as just another agent of Shield. I couldn’t afford to be known as Agent Rogers, super soldier and little sister to Captain America. So, Agent R became my name for many years. Then it became Agent Marie. I could not afford to be found out. That target on my head would surely have me in the arms of Hydra who were still alive and well in the world. I, of course, kept this from Peggy and Stark. They thought my brother had ended their reign, and I couldn’t ruin their fighting spirit. I continued my research in private, but there was nothing I could do to them that would not blow my cover. For years I tracked their movements, but I often came up empty handed.

——

When Peggy stepped down, and Stark moved on and got married, I knew that only I could watch over Shield. With Fury in charge, I knew that my life needed to be hidden from everyone. He knew only the basics, but any information about me was kept in a single hand written file from the 40s. I couldn’t risk my life being put out into the world, so I gave him the basic run-down on who I was as.

——

2011

One day, I was on a mission as just another operative at Shield. I worked on my own, and it always worked out for the best. Fury called me back early. This was a high level undercover mission, so I knew that it was beyond important.

“We found him.” He was alive. He was just in the other room. I turned around and walked back to my apartment.

A few days later I received a call.

“He’s awake.” I hung up.

Chapter 3

@jessyballet @wherewecomealive @lilulo-12 @irespostthingsiwanttoseelater

[castielsgal]

Supernatural S13 E5  Advanced Thanatology / The night Castiel returns 

Credit to Writer: @angelofthequeers  / Credit to Artist: myself / Castielsgal<3

The drive back to the bunker was…surreal. Dean’s eyes kept flicking to the rear-view mirror, watching Cas slump in his seat, eyes watching his dark surroundings fly past outside the window in a blur. It almost felt like he was making sure that Cas couldn’t just disappear again.

No, that wasn’t going to happen. Cas was here. He was safe and sound. Here in Baby, with Dean. But that didn’t mean that Cas couldn’t still vanish again. Rule of thumb with Dean’s life: anything normally impossible was certain to happen to him.

Man, he should’ve let Sam drive back. Right now, all he wanted to do was imprison Cas in his arms and kiss the breath out of him and make sure that he couldn’t go anywhere ever again.

And okay, the meeting between Cas and Jack was actually kinda sweet. Dean would deny it until his (permanent) dying day but seeing Jack hug Cas and finally knowing for sure that Jack saw Cas as his dad and not Lucifer…it warmed Dean’s cold, dead heart, especially when Jack admitted that he’d begged for Cas to return and had possibly been the reason for Cas’ resurrection. And the kid was so eager to please, even having found them a case out in Dodge that they were going to head out for in the morning.

Which was how Dean found himself in his bed, wide awake at ass o’clock in the morning, unable to sleep despite being physically and emotionally drained after that ghost house case, his confrontation with Billie, and Cas coming back from the dead. It was the Cas part that was especially getting to him. Cas was right here, in the bunker, and all Dean had to do was go and see for himself that Cas was really alive…but he just couldn’t. There was still a part of him that was terrified that this was all a dream and he’d wake up with the taste of regret on his tongue and a pit of despair in his stomach. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d had this dream, though it’d never felt so goddamn realistic.

“Fuck it,” Dean muttered. If it was a dream, it was a freaking dream. He swung his legs over the side of his bed, stumbled over to his door, and opened it…only to end up face-to-face with Cas, who had a fist raised to knock.

“Dean.” Cas lowered his fist. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me so soon after –”

“Get the hell in here.” Dean reached out to grab Cas by the tie, then yanked the angel into the room and closed the door by shoving Cas into it, sealing their mouths together like he was dying of thirst and Cas was his oasis. Which, okay, was the sappiest fucking thing he’d ever thought, but it wasn’t actually that far from the truth regarding how he was feeling.

“I’m happy to see you too, Dean,” Cas said breathlessly when Dean retreated for air. Dean let out a funny laugh-cry and rested his forehead on Cas’ shoulder, his own shoulders shaking with the sobs he was trying to contain because goddammit, Dean Winchester did not fucking cry. Even if his boyfriend slash love of his life had just come back from the dead.

“You died.” Dean slid his hands under Cas’ trench coat – Trench Coat 3.0, wasn’t it? Whichever cosmic being had sent Cas back had given him a trench coat eerily reminiscent of the first – and pushed it off his shoulders. “You fuckin’ died.” Off came the suit jacket. “Again.” Then the tie. “And I – I freaking prayed to Chuck. But he ignored me.”

“I didn’t think Dean Winchester was the praying type,” Cas said. But the joke died as soon as it crossed his lips.

“Shuddup.” Dean fumbled to undo Cas’ shirt buttons, resisting the urge to just rip Cas’ shirt open and tear it off him. “I never pray. But you – you’re different. I hate it. I hate what you do to me.” His breath hitched. “I fucking hate you, Cas.”

Cas reached out to cup his cheek, brushing a thumb over the skin. Dean fought back the choked sob that threatened to break free.

“I love you too, Dean.” There was so much damn tenderness and understanding and affection in Cas’ voice and shit, shit, Dean couldn’t take it, he needed to touch Cas right now, ground himself, reassure himself that Cas was here and alive, because if this was a dream or if someone was fucking with him, he wouldn’t be able to take it –

“Dean?” A hand grabbed his and squeezed, anchoring him against the flood of thoughts and fears and just everything that was threatening to overwhelm Dean and sweep him away. When Dean’s vision refocused, the first thing he saw was a pair of blue eyes crinkled with concern and fixed right on him. “Are you okay?”

Fuck it. Dean ripped Cas’ shirt apart the rest of the way, causing buttons to scatter across his bedroom floor and Cas’ shirt to slither off, and then grabbed Cas by the hands and tugged him backwards towards the bed. Dean fell back on the mattress and pulled Cas on top of him.

“I love you.” Dean’s voice cracked. “I love you so goddamn much. And it terrifies me. You fucking terrify me, Cas. This – this power you got over me –”

“Is the exact same power you hold over me,” Cas said, brushing strands of sandy hair out of Dean’s eyes. How was the son of a bitch so damn calm about all this? “I’m just as scared as you. But I’m back, and I won’t let Lucifer take me from you again.”

“You left!” Dean let out a small sob and wrapped his arms around Cas’ neck to bury his face in the angel’s shoulder. “You left me, Cas!”

“But I came back,” Cas countered. “I always come back to you. I always come when you call, Dean.” He ran his fingers through Dean’s hair, sending a thrill of sensation shuddering through Dean’s body. “I know what will help.”

Dean untangled himself from Cas so he could ask what exactly was happening. But as soon as he caught sight of the look of concentration on Cas’ face, he knew. “Cas, no, you don’t gotta bring your wings out, I know you hate how they look –”

“Hush.” There was a flash of lightning and the shadow of Cas’ wings appeared on the wall behind him. But – holy shit. They weren’t torn and bedraggled and broken like before. They were…

“Your wings – they’re – but how?” Dean spluttered as the shadows solidified. Holy shit. No longer were Cas’ feathers limp and a dull, lifeless black. No, they were healthy and shiny and glossy, silky smooth when they brushed against Dean’s arms and sent an electric shock arcing across his skin. “Oh my god –”

“God had nothing to do with this,” Cas said, watching Dean’s reaction with a small smile. “It was Jack. Back when we were confronting Dagon and he used me as a conduit to channel his power and destroy her. He…well, he restored my wings. I was just as surprised as you are.”

“Why didn’t you just flap around, then?” Dean said in a hushed voice, running his fingers along the feathers and causing Cas to shiver violently, feathers fluffing up. “You coulda come back here when you got back.”

“I still can’t fly. Not until Metatron’s spell is reversed, which won’t ever happen unless God decides to intervene. My wings may not have been burnt off, but I still don’t have my full grace back. I don’t think I’ll ever get it back from the spell he used to close the Gates of Heaven. But…it’s nice to have my wings restored, even if they’re mostly for display.”

Mouth still hanging open, Dean continued to stroke and pet Cas’ wings, nearly unable to comprehend the enormous difference between Cas’ old, broken wings and…these. He really did have Cas back. The reminder that Cas had died was a bucket of icy water over his head, and he made a small sound and sat up to frantically shrug his plaid shirt off. He needed to be naked, preferably yesterday. Even if they didn’t do anything, he had to feel Cas’ bare skin against his own, even if just to ground him in the fact that Cas was here and alive.

Five minutes later, Dean’s clothes had been deposited on the floor in a heap, Cas’ shoes and socks joining them, and they were making out frantically. Cas hadn’t even bothered to remove his slacks, so the material rubbed against Dean’s hardening dick every time Cas shifted, and the sensation plus the knowledge that Cas was back, he was here, not going anywhere were so utterly maddening that Dean was already struggling not to blow his load. The way Dean was slumped against the headboard, legs loosely framing Cas’ hips as they kissed and groaned and whimpered, was just further proof of how damn out of his mind Dean was now that he had Cas back.

Cas was back. Cas was back. Back, back, back, back.

His brain replayed that on a constant loop as he tightened the arm around Cas’ neck and gripped a fistful of Cas’ dark hair with his other hand, using the slick slide of skin and fluffy, ticklish locks to ground himself in the moment so he wouldn’t have to remember how it had felt when Cas had been stabbed, and he’d been dead, a corpse on the ground, and Dean had had to burn him –

“Dean,” Cas murmured against Dean’s lips when Dean made a small, strangled sound. “I’m here, Dean. Focus on now.” As though proving this point, he brushed his wings down Dean’s legs, the feathers zinging whatever inch of skin they touched, and Dean let out a tiny little sob.

“You were dead,” he said thickly against Cas’ mouth. “I lost you again.”

“And I’m here now,” Cas said. The sight of him on his knees between Dean’s legs, hands braced against the wall behind them, biceps bulging, made Dean tighten his grip on Cas’ hair and drag him back in for another sloppy, furious kiss.

ce cracked. “Want you, Cas. Need you.”

“You have me.” Cas kissed Dean on the lips, long and sweet. “You always have me.”

They rearranged themselves, Cas reclining against the pillows and Dean straddling his lap. Cas’ slacks had disappeared at some point during this process – probably zapped away by angel mojo, though Dean didn’t really care to spend a brain cell wondering about that. Not when Cas was wrapping him in arms and wings and kissing the oxygen out of his lungs, circling his hole with one finger and loosening it with warm bursts of grace. Dean shuddered violently at the sensation. There was something…both so pure and so dirty about Cas using his heavenly power to quicker prepare Dean for this kind of physical, earthly, completely unheavenly thing. Well. Not that it didn’t feel heavenly.

Dean didn’t last long once Cas was inside him. At any other time, he might have been embarrassed; maybe even cracked a self-deprecating joke about stamina and being a teenager again, while Cas just regarded him with amusement and no judgement whatsoever. But this wasn’t one of those times. Dean was already on a razor thin edge when Cas entered him, and Cas wasn’t in the mood for fast and dirty; instead, he thrust up slow and deep, hands gripping Dean’s hips, wings cocooning Dean in a silky black embrace.

“Cas –” Dean cupped Cas’ face, drawing him in for a frantic kiss, thighs trembling with how close he was as he met Cas halfway in thrusts. Cas found his prostate on the next thrust, sending heat jolting from Dean’s gut, and it took one – two – three more hits before the warmth in Dean’s belly overflowed and coursed through his body, while he buried his face in Cas’ shoulder and spasmed and grabbed handfuls of the angel’s hair.

He was oversensitive as he floated back down from his high, come smeared between his and Cas’ bellies, but he just couldn’t ask Cas to pull out. He had Cas back. Cas was inside him, and if Cas was inside him then he couldn’t be gone. Simple logic.

With a grunt and a gasped, “Dean!” Cas came, filling Dean with wet warmth as he gripped Dean’s hips so tight that he was certain to leave bruises. But that was good. Bruises were physical. Physical was grounding. And grounding meant that Dean could actually be happy. When Cas died, he’d taken Dean’s soul right with him, and he’d just given it back and fuck, Dean was definitely going to cry any second now, why was he so goddamn sappy?

Dean grimaced when Cas pulled out, both mournful of the loss and a little squicked out at the sticky stuff leaking down his thighs. But Cas easily cleaned them up, then flopped back on the bed and tucked Dean into his side, wings forming a protective blanket around him. Dean shivered and nuzzled into Cas’ neck as the feathers idly grazed across his skin, leaving tiny sparks of grace as they went. The grace in Cas’ wings reacting with the tiny bit of grace in Dean’s body from when Cas had raised him from perdition and rebuilt him. At least, that was according to Cas, and Dean didn’t even care if Cas was lying because that was sweetest fucking thing he’d ever heard. Not that he’d admit it to anyone.

“‘M glad you’re back,” Dean mumbled into Cas’ sweaty skin. Yeah right, didn’t sweat under any circumstances, his ass. More like didn’t sweat for anyone except Dean.

“I’m glad to be back,” Cas said, carding a hand through Dean’s hair. “Contrary to popular belief, being dead is really boring.”

Dean couldn’t help it. He snorted, then snickered, then chuckled, then burst into full-blown hysterics, burying his face in Cas’ shoulder to muffle his laughter. Cas’ chest rumbled underneath him as the angel laughed too, but Dean was so far gone it wasn’t funny. Blame the orgasm endorphins. Dean was always an emotional son of a bitch after sex.

“Don’t ever fuckin’ leave me again,” Dean said when his laughter had died down to the occasional hiccup. “Christ, Cas, I can’t live without you. I don’t mean that in some ‘I’m gonna bump myself off way’ – I literally feel dead when you’re gone. I wanted to die, but Billie wouldn’t let me.”

“Billie?”

“Oh yeah, she’s the new Death. I’ll tell ya later. You’re – shit, man, you’re so goddamn important to me and I – I freakin’ love you.”

Cas leaned down to kiss Dean, hidden in the curtain of feathers shielding them from the world. “I love you too.”

“You leave me again and I’m gonna handcuff you to me. You capiche? You’re sendin’ me into an early grave.”

“I capiche. And my apologies. I didn’t think you needed any help with dying early.”

Dean snorted loudly. “Smartass. Now shut the fuck up and lemme sleep. We still got that case tomorrow. And don’t you dare go anywhere.”

“Of course not,” Cas said, now running feathers and fingers down Dean’s back. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

“Good.”

Sure enough, when Dean groaned himself awake the next morning, Cas was right there, singing an Enochian song under his breath in his gravelly voice while running fingers along Dean’s scalp and twirling strands of hair around his fingers. Holy shit. Dean didn’t think he could love the guy any more than he did, but that moment absolutely smashed that assumption to pieces.

When Cas noticed that Dean was awake, a wide, soft smile spread across his face. “Good morning, Dean.”

Dean just grinned foolishly back and pressed a deep kiss to Cas’ lips, losing himself in Cas’ fingers and lips and wings and warm body and just Cas. This was heaven right here, and if Dean didn’t have other responsibilities and a brother he also loved and wanted to see, he’d stay right here and never get up. “Mornin’, Cas.”

[satireknight]

TMNT S02E012 - The Catwoman from Channel 6

No, no jokes about Batman’s love interest. That is low-hanging fruit I choose not to pick. Probably. Maybe.

Splinter is trying to meditate, but is constantly distracted by the sound of the monster movies the Turtles are watching.

Splinter drops in to say that too much TV rots the mind and promotes violence.... so he says to the ninjas on a cartoon TV show. I can’t tell if the show is being ironically meta or not.

Meanwhile, Shredder has Rocksteady and Bebop standing on a transporter.

Yes, they call it a matter transporter, but I’m expecting someone to say “energize.” To demonstrate what it can do, he transports Rocksteady and Bebop straight to the city dump, where they are flushed down a giant pipe into the sewers... which is not how that system works, I think.

But guess where they pop up.

Unsurprisingly a fight breaks out immediately, with Rocksteady and Bebop trashing the place, including the TV set.

Shredder decides it’s time to teleport them back just then, as an orange cat comes in looking for head scritches and crawls all over the control panel. 

Rocksteady and Bebop are zapped back to where Shredder is, and the Turtles are left confused but relieved. Fortunately Bebop and Rocksteady have no idea how to backtrack to the Turtles’ lair, because they have six brain cells apiece.

The Turtles seem a little more concerned with the fact that their TV has been smashed, so they call April and tell her that they have an emergency, and that they need her to bring a spare TV set.

Splinter also fills her in on the fight with Bebop and Rocksteady, and she finds a carton of Chinese food from Woo’s Oriental Palace that one of the goons left behind. Apparnelty the idea of letting her go there alone is enough to stir the Turtles from their TV-induced fixation, because “That place is really bad!” “And the food is even worse.”

Woo’s turns out to be a restaurant almost entirely populated by Asian stereotypes of one flavor or another.

They also don’t take to April announcing she’s a TV reporter, so she lies and says she’s a food critic instead. They might hate her even more for that. She asks Woo if he has served two customers who look like a rhino and a warthog, and he unsurprisingly does remember such individuals. Methinks they would stick in your mind. He tells her where the food went to, and she heads off to an empty building at the end of the pier.

April finds the matter transporter immediately, and starts snapping photos.

Just then the orange cat comes in, steps on some buttons, and then scampers onto the transporter pad.

April feels really weird afterwards, and is horrified that her nails are just as pointy and claw-like as they were before.

She heads home and encounters Irma, while surrounded by a small herd of cats. She’s already acting weird, vocalizing a bit like a cat and referring to Irma as a human. And after Irma leaves, she decides to lap up some milk.

The Turtles, meanwhile, have also gone to Woo’s, and the mere sight of them is enough to inspire a fight with the patrons. 

April is still acting weird, and Irma is starting to clue in that there is something odd going on with her.

April blurts out a heavily truncated version of what happened to her, just as she fully transforms into a cat mutant.

Now she wants to go back to the transporter and somehow reverse what happened. Irma tries to stop her from leaving, but she just jumps out the nearest window.

Fortunately Irma finds her Turtle Com nearly, and is able to contact the Turtles, who unsurprisingly have zero idea who she is, but agree to meet her anyway. Also, that whole visit of theirs to Woo’s was just an excuse for a fight scene.

April gets back into the room with the transporter, but Shredder and his mutants have since returned.

Fortunately for him, Shredder happens to have a cage directly over where she’s standing. 

Meanwhile, Irma meets up with the Turtles, who are employing their usual trenchcoat disguises.

April seems to have gotten kinda muddle-brained from the whole mutation thing, but then Rocksteady plops a mind-control collar on her, which makes it all even worse.

Which raises the question: if that works on a cat-person, would it work on a regular person? The possibilities of this device are not being fully explored,  my friend. 

Anyway, he sends her after Splinter, and she decides to bring a tiger along for good measure. Or rather, she lets it wander off and corner the Turtles in an alley, prompting Donatello to ask, “April, is that you?” He must think she’s incredibly mad at them for the TV thing. The tiger tries to pounce on them, and nearly gets Donatello before he gets hoisted onto the fire escape.

And as if the theme of this episode wasn’t evident, look at the pillows and wall art.

Meanwhile, Splinter is wondering where the Turtles have gotten to when he sees the shadow of a cat on the wall, and freaks out.

He lets slip that he’s apparently afraid of cats, presumably because of the whole rat thing, but not necessarily. He’s trying to meditate away his nerves when the tiger and a mutated April appear... so I’m guessing, not successful. Actually, this is probably the kind of thing he has nightmares about.

The Turtles and Irma, meanwhile, are searching for the cat that was on the pad with April.... so it should take them a few decades to locate one stray cat. Raphael even points out how ridiculously against them the odds are.

Fortunately the cat finds them, and while it snuggles him, Donatello asks again, “Is that you, April?” Donatello, there was already a cat involved in all this. Try to keep up. And on the desperate-for-female-attention kick, Raphael seems oddly pissed when Donatello says that this proves he’s April’s favorite.

Splinter calls them just long enough to say he needs help, and Irma comments that the name “Splinter” sounds “cute.” Sigh. We almost made it through an episode without Irma being sad.

Splinter tries to talk April down, but the collar is affecting her mind.

Leonardo seems to have slightly better luck getting through to her, but the collar reasserts itself and causes her to start attacking Splinter once again. Leonardo dashes forward and cuts the collar right off.

Which, unfortunately, doesn’t deal with the tiger who seems to be in a perpetual state of pissiness. Fortunately, Michelangelo just happens to have a robot mouse on his person (why?) and manages to redirect the tiger into a nearby cage. Great, but how will the zoo authorities get it back without finding their lair?

The whole matter transporter plot thread needs to be tied up, so Rocksteady and Bebop chase a mouse onto it, lightly strike the pad and cause the entire machine to explode. Damn, Dimension X tech is fragile.

Meanwhile, April has just... sort of gone back to normal. Yeah, the Turtles don’t have to do anything to restore her to her human form; she just gets over it. This is the biggest disappointment in the episode, IMHO, because it feels like a cop out. Much is made of how she has to reverse the transformation, but it turns out she just needed to sit in her apartment and eat tuna for a weekend.

Irma then shows up... don’t ask me how she knew where their lair was... because hse’s convinced herself that Splinter is her dream man. Amazingly, Splinter is NOT having a complete nervous breakdown over the events of the last day, and comes in just in time to horrify her.

VERDICT:

This one gets a stamp of “okay.” It might have ranked a little higher if the resolution of April’s whole catness hadn’t been resolved with “She got over it, end of story.” But the fact that the main problem of the plot was handled so limply just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Is this the second episode to make reference to The Fly?

Actually, there are a few elements of the story that feel like they were never really dealt with. For instance, the Turtles’ fixation on their monster movies felt a little artificial, since they didn’t seem to care that their secret home had been invaded so much as that their TV was smashed. And it just sort of petered out, since they stop watching TV and never start again.

Admittedly it was interesting to see Irma interacting with the Turtles, since she’s been talking about them for several episodes (first with disbelief and then with increasing interest). She’s a very different character from April, so it was interesting to see a different dynamic there.

Grade: C

[shaizstern]

Article from NYT: Avoid Burnout Before You’re Already Burned Out

You don’t have to be ready to throw in the towel to improve things at work. These small changes can go a long way.

Credit...Fran Caballero

By Elizabeth Grace Saunders

According to the World Health Organization, burnout is a workplace issue.

But just because burnout can happen at work or because of work, doesn’t mean how you use your time outside of work can’t help prevent it. As a time management coach, I’ve seen that at the core, burnout prevention is about living out what is true about your body, your personality and your reality. You don’t need a dream job. But in your overall life, you do need to find time to take care of your health, do things you find refreshing and have a sense of purpose. The closer you are to living your truth, the less likely you are to burnout.

I can’t guarantee that if you follow these simple strategies that you will never experience burnout. I can guarantee, however, that you’ll significantly reduce the likelihood of it, and that you’ll get back to work more quickly after taking a break if you reach a burnout state.

Your body

Your body is designed to repair and restore itself. So when you’re feeling the impact of burnout — ongoing exhaustion, detachment from your job and perhaps even weight gain and illness from stress — it’s a sign that the demands on your body exceed its ability to keep up. Giving your body what it needs is the foundation of burnout prevention. You can help reduce the energy depletion associated with burnout and facilitate restoration by prioritizing three universal core needs: sleeping, eating and moving.

Sleep serves many purposes, including regulating our mood, clearing waste from our brain and re-energizing our cells. That’s why not getting enough sleep is one of the main risk factors for developing burnout, and improving sleep quality can help individuals with even a clinical burnout problem recover enough to return to work.

First, you should know how much sleep you need. The National Sleep Foundation recommends between seven to nine hours of sleep for most adults, but that could mean as little as six hours to as much as 10 depending on your needs. The goal is to get to the point where you feel alert most of the day. And as a bonus, you’ll likely feel happier too, which can reduce your chance of the cynicism associated with burnout.

Getting more sleep is pretty basic math: You can either go to bed earlier, get up later or do both. If you tend to lose track of time, set an alarm to remind yourself to turn off electronic devices and wind down at least 30 minutes before your bed time. In that moment, you’ll likely feel tempted to stay up longer. One strategy to motivate yourself to get to bed is to remember just how bad it feels when you’re exhausted and then how good it feels when you’ve had enough rest.

What you put in your mouth also has an impact on your mood and energy. Avoid foods that make you feel tired or too full. Try eating lighter, healthier foods that increase your energy level. Similarly, eating smaller, more frequent meals can help maintain your high energy.

So if you find that you’re more negative about your job at certain times in the day, you may want to assess whether you need to eat more frequently. Before working with me, some of my coaching clients would forget to eat, and found that their energy level was dragging by mid-afternoon. For some of them, creating a routine around packing lunch the night before or simply setting a calendar reminder to get lunch midday really helped. When you’re honest about what fuel your body needs to feel happy and healthy, you help buffer against the potential for burnout.

Finally, taking time to move provides another opportunity for our bodies and minds to recalibrate. Even five minutes of outdoor exercise can have a meaningful psychological impact. And better yet, if you can do 20 to 30 minutes of exercise at a time, you can over all improve your mental health. For example, when something stressful happens to me, I’ll try to go on a walk or a run around the block as soon as possible to get the negative energy out of my body. This not only reduces the negative feelings but also calms my mind so I can focus for the rest of the day. Thinking through difficult situations is important but at a certain point, the only way to release the emotions is to physically let them go.

Your personality

In addition to living our truth about our health and our bodies, to prevent burnout we need to honor the truth around our personalities.

“Self-care is dependent on the individual. It is based on what helps them to feel more like they’re in their natural state, which is the thing, place or feeling that would happen if there were no pressure on them — the thing they would want to do,” said Robert L. Bogue, co-author of “Extinguish Burnout: A Practical Guide to Prevention and Recovery.”

“When you’re operating outside of your natural state, you are consuming energy,” he explained. “The more in alignment you become, the less you’re demanding of yourself and the more personal agency you build up.”

Put simply, you need to know what restores you and invest in those activities to prevent burnout. But what fulfills these needs for you may look different than what fulfills those needs for someone else. For example, someone who is highly extroverted may need to hang out with friends or family on a daily basis after work to buffer against burnout. Someone who is highly introverted, on the other hand, may require time alone to recharge. One introverted home-schooling mom I know starts and finishes each day with deep breathing and makes sure at least once a week to do something on her own, such as journaling, gardening, crafting or hiking.

Or the differences in what you need may vary based on your core motivations. For example, Dr. Steven Reiss, a research psychologist, conducted studies involving more than 6,000 people and found that 16 core desires can motivate our behavior: power, independence, curiosity, acceptance, order, saving, honor, idealism, social contact, family, status, vengeance, romance, eating, physical exercise and tranquillity. For instance, I really enjoy order so I might choose to take a night to tidy up and organize my home in order to recharge. If you have a very strong desire for curiosity, you might spend that same night learning a new skill or language, or going somewhere new to feel refreshed.

I’m not wrong, and you’re not wrong. We’re just different. As Mr. Bogue stated, the more you know what truly aligns with who you are and honor that need, the less drained you will feel and the less likely you will burnout.

Your reality

A third element of burnout prevention is to live the truth of your work situation reality — what you can actually change, and where you will need to find alternative sources to meet your needs. According to the “Areas of Worklife” model, workload is only one of the six contributors to burnout. Control, reward, fairness, community and values are the other five elements.

These other contributors revolve around feeling supported, appreciated and safe. Ideally, you can either shift your current work environment or find a new job where all of these areas meet up with your expectations. But in some cases, that’s not possible. In those circumstances, you have other options.

One alternative is to modify your expectations. For example, you may prefer going to lunch with colleagues, but maybe that’s not their preference. It may work better, instead, to cultivate community by stopping by their desk to chat for a few minutes, or organize after-work get-togethers if everyone agrees to come. Or you may prefer that your boss verbally affirms you every time you complete a large task. But maybe that’s not his style. You can learn to appreciate that he gives you good annual reviews and respects your opinion in meetings.

Another alternative is to stop expecting satisfaction in these areas within your job and, instead, seek opportunities outside of work that fulfill these core needs. For example, maybe you volunteer with an organization where you feel appreciated, find the activities intrinsically rewarding, have values alignment and a strong sense of community. Or maybe you invest time in your family or friends to cultivate a feeling of belonging, fulfillment and autonomy.

When you’re “filled up” by how you invest your time outside of work, and you feel supported by people who know and care about you, you have a buffer against the drain that may exist in the office.

You may not have the ability to change everything you don’t like about your job, but you do have the ability to improve how good you feel about yourself and life in general. By investing your time based on the truth of your body, personality and reality, you can reduce your risk of burnout. And if you already feel burnt out, you can recover faster.

[flowermandalas]

Three Ways to Mix Mindfulness into Your Life

Three Ways to Mix Mindfulness into Your Life

At the risk of stating the obvious, in order for Balancer to keep us balanced, it’s helpful to do activities that explicitly promote … balance.

Mindfulness-based activities are at the top of the list. The term mindfulness, the state of being focused on the present moment, without judgement, has become part of the zeitgeist in the past several years, and for good reason.

The benefits of mindfulness-based activities are physical, emotional, and psychological. Mindfulness has been demonstrated to:

Relax muscles and decrease blood pressure

Reduce rumination, stress, anxiety, and emotional reactivity

Promote empathy and self-compassion

Improve working memory, focus, self-insight, and intuition

Mindfulness works, in part, because of changes that occur in the body and the brain. But over time, mindfulness also reminds us that we don’t have to keep riding every mental train we find ourselves on. When we notice we’ve been kidnapped by a thought, worry, emotion, physical sensation, or distraction, we can get off that train and return to the station.

Three basic ways to develop mindfulness include:

Mindfulness-based activities. Imported from Eastern cultures, practices specifically developed to increase mindfulness include sitting and walking meditation, yoga, tai chi, and chi-gong.

Recreational activities with a mindfulness intention. When practiced with a mindful, in-the-moment intention, activities such as running, working out, gardening, bicycling, and even motorcycling can promote mindfulness.

Approaching mundane tasks with a mindfulness intention. Household chores such as washing the dishes, vacuuming, or folding laundry become a form of meditation when we allow ourselves to pay attention to the process of the task itself and our in-the-moment responses, rather than hurrying through it to get to the next thing.

Meditation is the easiest to describe fully in writing, but much of what I say here applies to other Eastern-based mindfulness practices, too

Many people think meditation is complicated or difficult, but it isn’t. It’s literally as simple as breathing, and a good place to begin meditating is with a three-breath meditation repeated throughout the day.

At a retreat I attended years ago, I was introduced to the concept of the Mindfulness Bell. At random times throughout each day, someone sounded a bell, and we all had to stop what we were doing and take three slow, abdominal breaths. (When you take an abdominal breath, your belly goes out when you inhale and in when you exhale, the opposite of how most of us breathe. The result is slower, deeper, more concentrated breathing.)

When the bell rang, we halted in mid-sentence, mid-stride, mid-chew, as if we were in a big game of freeze tag. At first this interruption annoyed me. I was in the midst of spiritual evolution, damn it! But by the time the retreat ended, I’d embraced these “interruptions.” Each time the bell sounded, I was able to stop what I was doing, saying, or thinking and reset. Did I need to be thinking or feeling what I was thinking and feeling? Did I want to do what I was about to do? Learning to be still in the midst of life, even briefly, helped me reevaluate these choices.

I have often recommended this three-breath meditation to clients, suggesting that they use any interrupting sound, such as a car horn or a phone’s ringing, as a substitute for the Mindfulness Bell.

The effects of this simple change can be revolutionary.

One client whose life was ruled by chaos found this practice to be more valuable than anything else we had done in therapy. At a street corner on the way to work, hearing the Mindfulness Bell of a car horn, she could think, “I don’t really want to waste my time partying tonight.” About to leave for a bar, pausing on the first ring of her cell phone, she could see how the evening would play out and decide, “Not this time.” Hearing a siren blare in the midst of pangs of guilt or shame, she could choose to forgive herself.

An anxious client found a Mindfulness Bell app for his smartphone and programmed it to ring randomly throughout the day. He was often on the road for his job, and while driving his mind inevitably went to worrying. When the bell rang, he took three breaths and allowed himself to return to a more centered place. Over time, not only did his anxiety lessen, but tuned in to his true desires and made major positive changes in his career and relationships.

I also continue this practice. When I step into my office and turn on my computer, I hear its Mindfulness Bell, pause for a moment, and imagine putting on an invisible jacket worn only by my best self. Brief meditations throughout the day help me shift gears between clients, return to center, and reinhabit that best self again and again.

Once you get the hang of the three-breath meditation, consider adding other forms of meditation to your day.

Sitting meditation is usually done with eyes closed, seated on a cushion or chair, in a quiet space. A breath-oriented meditation is one simple, time-honored approach. Focus on the intake and exhalation of each breath, imagining the air entering your body, expanding your lungs, and then leaving it as you exhale. If your attention drifts to something else, just gently bring it back to your breath. Sitting in the morning for 10-20 minutes helps to start the day in a more centered way, but if the mornings won’t work for you, any time of the day is okay.

Walking meditation is another way to reinforce mindfulness. Traditionally, it’s practiced by walking slowly back and forth or in a circle while focusing on the breath, the feeling of your feet touching and lifting from the ground, and the physical sensations you take in from your surroundings. However, if you have a regular walk you take recreationally, or even a short walk from the parking lot to your job, you can do these in the same mindful manner with the same centering effects.

Mindful recreation. Applying mindful attention to an activity like swimming or running can generate the same restorative and balance-enhancing effects as walking meditation. I recommend starting first with mindful walking, and then, when you feel comfortable with the cycle of losing attention and restoring it, experiment with translating this mindful approach to your chosen activity.

Mindful attitude. Another easy way to incorporate mindfulness into you life is to perform daily tasks with a mindful attitude. Taking a shower, brushing your teeth, and eating, if done without distraction and with a focus on your actual actions, can become a regular mindfulness practice. Even chores, done mindfully, can become centering meditations.

The “washing the dishes” meditation is often suggested by meditation teachers and is one I do myself. As a child, my brother Mike and I did most of the household chores, including washing dishes and putting them away, and as a result I’ve never much liked that task. So I’ve turned it into a meditation. I let the dishes pile up during the day and then wash them deliberately at night. I pay attention to the sound of the running water, the feel of the soap and sponge, the transformation of each dish from dirty to clean. The dish washing takes the same few minutes as it would if I were listening to music, thinking about what else I wanted to do that evening, or just pushing through an unpleasant chore. But instead of feeling slightly agitated during or afterward, as I once did, now I feel relaxed and refreshed.

Not long ago, I discovered that this specific meditation had potential side benefits. I was working with an anxious 12-year-old boy, the oldest of several siblings. His parents wanted me to teach him to meditate. So we tried sitting meditation, but he couldn’t sit still. We tried walking meditation, but he found it boring. Then I thought of dish-washing meditation. I gathered up the few cups and dishes in my office and put them in the sink, and I had him toss in a few of the washable toys. “Now,” I said, “squirt some dish soap on the sponge, and I’ll show you how to do dish-washing meditation.” I explained the process and for about five minutes he carefully and attentively washed the dishes and the toys. As he dried the last dish, he turned to me and said he felt much calmer. Then he added, gleefully, “And my mother will love this! I have a big family, and we have a lot of dirty dishes!”

Try turning any chore you regularly have to do, but don’t much care for, into a meditation and you may experience the same mini-transformation – and perhaps also the same glee!

What to do:

Mindfulness practices. Try an Eastern-based practice designed to enhance mindfulness such as sitting or walking meditation, yoga, tai chi, or chi-gong. These practices have been demonstrated to reduce stress and anxiety, improve focus, relax the body, and increase resilience. Consider starting with a simple three-breath meditation, as described above.

Mindful recreation. If you are already a runner, swimmer, walker, bicyclist, or participate in another recreational activity, approaching what you already do with a mindfulness attitude will generate many of the same beneficial effects as a mindfulness practice such as walking meditation. Pay attention to each moment and, if you find yourself drifting, bring your attention back to the present. Then rinse, lather, and repeat (as they used to say on shampoo bottles).

Mindful chores. Instead of just powering through daily tasks and chores, practice mindful dish washing, vacuuming, laundry folding, tooth brushing, and notice the subtle benefits, both in the moment and over time.

COMING NEXT: Keep Your Sanity with the Personal Craziness Index

Related Posts: The Under Toad and the UnBalancer The Balancer/ReBalancer Tag Team A Mini-Lesson on Mini Self-Care Gyroscopes and Personal Flywheels Hanging in the Balance Balancing the Books The Experiment How to Design an Experiment Build Your Resilience in 6 Steps How to Rebalance Your Brain in 3 Easy Steps How to Boost Connections and Support How to Handle Change with Ease Three Ways to Mix Mindfulness into Your Life

Books: From Paths to Wholeness: Fifty-Two Flower Mandalas DREAMS: “None of us has the nine lives of the proverbial cat, but we can fully exploit this one’s possibilities by remembering the dreams of our youth and using them as a beacon to show us who we really are and what we can look forward to becoming.”

Print: Amazon  –  BookBaby  –  B&N  – Books-a-Million eBook: Kindle  – Nook  – iTunes  – Kobo

NOTE: Paths to Wholeness is now available at the following Boston-area bookstores and libraries:

Cabot Street Books & Cards, 272 Cabot Street, Beverly, MA 01915 The Bookshop, 40 West Street, Beverly Farms, MA 01915 Boston Public Library (main branch) Brookline Public Library (main branch) NOBLE Public Libraries (Beverly Farms and Salem) MVLC Public Libraries (Hamilton-Wenham)

Please let me know if you find it in other locations!

Also available: 52 (more) Flower Mandalas: An Adult Coloring Book for Inspiration and Stress Relief 52 Flower Mandalas: An Adult Coloring Book for Inspiration and Stress Relief Paths to Wholeness: Selections (free eBook)

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from Three Ways to Mix Mindfulness into Your Life