#i feel like every other convo i have with my aunt

[strifetime]

submitted 4 job apps to the VA site (i'm not in the mood to go downtown for their job fair) and sent an overdue purchase email. time to work on my holiday wishlist 🎄

[cigaretteparfum]

anyway, go read ikoku nikki.

[ay0nha]

When shall we meet again in thunder, lightning, or rain? | S.G. (I)

SUMMARY: You avoided addressing him directly, not quite due to fear but rather apathy. It took coaxing for you to even allow him to stay and now, without thought, you unknowingly beckoned him closer.

PAIRING: Satoru Gojo x Fushiguro!reader (Megumi's aunt/Toji's sister)

WORD COUNT: 2.2K

WARNINGS: Found family vibes atm, slight enemies to lovers, reader and gojo figuring out their dynamic through emotion constipation, angsty convos and feelings, canon-typical things, kid megumi, rushed ending, etc.

A/N: This took longer than I thought, but I want to take my time and really put effort into this one, so I hope you all enjoy. BIG shout out to @benzywenzymeowmeow this wouldn't have happened without your help. Much love. Again, based on/inspired by @stsgooo's post (here!). Let me know if you'd like to be tagged for future parts.

COMMENTS ENCOURAGED. PLEASE.

prologue part ii

The bliss was idyllic.

Your wrist balanced on the windowsill as you lazily tapped the ash of your cigarette. The cool air caressed your arm and gave you goosebumps that reminded you that you were still alive—human. 

Your senses were perked. 

The city outside kept you attentive as your head rested back. The day was long, but hearing the taxis carrying bubbling people made it worth it. You imagined how some were on their way to find warmth in their home while others were dressed for an endless night of laughter.  

You loved how you contrasted the city; your living room was empty and quiet. You could no longer hear Megumi’s shuffling feet above you. The tranquility was still a fresh oddity. The new life created was a semblance of happiness. You traded hyper-vigilant nights for bedtime stories, cooking meals only for the kids for family dinners, and Gojo’s scarcity of communication for peaceful nights like tonight.

The privilege that came with Gojo’s name made your stomach churn. It was simple at first, pushing Gojo into a subconscious level. However, the task became daunting; an ache emerged from so deep within that it took months for you to realize he was responsible. 

You were overdue for an interruption. You answered the door after the third knock. 

“Gojo.” The cigarette dangled from your lip and bobbed with every syllable. “Megumi’s asleep.”

“Already?” Gojo feigned surprise; his intentions were obvious that he wasn’t here for your nephew. “It’s only—

“Midnight.” You sucked in a crackling breath. With pointed eyes, you took his presence in. On your breath out, the smoke clouded his face, “What do you want?”

“I didn’t know you smoked.” He used your question as an invitation, pushing past the threshold. He was always amused learning more about you, able to store away the details for later torment. 

With a chastised drag, you smothered the tobacco on the closest thing. “I don’t.”

There were reasons habits quickly morphed into vices, something immoral and wicked. You turned to smoking when you were young, disappearing seamlessly into a crowd that did the same. It grew into something that was seen as an extension of yourself—something nervously born only to be counterintuitive. 

You had gone to the store tonight for something so trivial that you struggled to remember what it was. The itch on your palm was a distraction from it all as you pointed for the pack behind the counter. It seemed like the right thing to do to combat stress, especially as you purchased a cheap lighter to follow through. 

It hadn’t been a comfort you thought it would be, but it was the only way you knew best to preoccupy yourself. You weren’t used to such repose surrounding you. You felt—safe. 

Now, each push forward felt unreliable and fuzzy. You didn’t like the way you felt so exposed. 

“Megumi’s getting stronger.” You couldn’t stand the idle silence, mainly when its weight rested on your shoulders. “The other day, this place was flooded with rabbits.” 

Gojo’s laugh flittered against the walls, challenging the warm breeze that swept through the place. It was apparent you hadn’t settled into the home completely; it was still devoid of personality and belonging. 

You hadn’t realized how each of Gojo’s visits revealed more. Something about seeing dishes in the sink and mail littering the counters lightened him. It was a simple indication that he was finally doing something right. 

“He’s a clever kid,” Gojo said lowly as if the neighbors would hear. His voice followed you even when you resumed your sedentary position, “He’s holding back, though…” 

“Isn’t that a good thing for you?” You were critical. You barely lifted your wrist, making a vague gesture of importance. “...and your so-called destiny…”

The constant friction between clans failed to excite you. It served as a reminder that those below them would most feel the repercussions. The day would come when the six eyes would meet the tenth shadow, and you would be left to clean up the mess. 

“It could be...” He answered so casually. You knew it’d be a lie if he promised you anything different. “...but that doesn’t mean Megumi shouldn’t reach his full potential.”

“How noble,” You cooed. 

Silence settled after the soft scoff to your chide. Often, you sat in silence, something Gojo was still learning to adapt to. If he had it his way, you would sit in rapture in his company. Yet, it was far more welcome than before. 

But the obvious question was still floating between you. 

Gojo could have entertained you with lies of being nearby. However, what drove him to your doorstep was a new sensation. It started in his chest, an unassuming feeling that he ascribed to staving off sleep. There became lesser justifications when it infiltrated every extremity. 

It had only become unbearable when missing posters began to overlap, the various faces becoming warped from exposure. The curses responsible were low-grade, but Gojo couldn’t ignore the threat even then. As they drew closer, he employed crows to line the telephone wires. Yet, he could only keep his distance for so long. 

“You’re stalling, Satoru…” 

You avoided addressing him directly, not entirely due to fear, but instead apathy. It took coaxing for you even to allow him to stay, and now, without thought, you unknowingly beckoned him closer. 

“Tired of me already?” His smirk could be felt. 

“Something like that…” You sighed. “If you’ve come here to hide more of those things—” You sat up, reaching for the dingy box that stored a gifted cursed object. “—don’t.”

The object mocked you daily, occupying space it wasn’t meant to atop the living room’s end table. Although it was sealed deftly with layers of protection, you were convinced whatever was within was alive—living and breathing to torment you. The house felt heavy with something that breathed down your neck, and praying, you turned to face it. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Playing coy wasn’t a strong suit for Gojo, not when he’d already hidden another cursed object just above the door frame. 

You hadn’t thought your paranoia was shared despite its contrast. For you, the odds were that harm would find you, and you’d be vulnerable to it all. However, Gojo could handle anything but never fared well with things threatening his control. His thoughts would begin to loop, slowly morphing into images that haunted his nights. 

It drove him to unassigned missions based on rumors of the whereabouts of cursed objects. The more he found, the deeper he placed them into the bones of the building you slept within. It took time for you to catch on, only finding these items when you cleaned, behind old books, in forgotten drawers, or in places just out of your reach. 

“Look—” Gojo started again, denying you the chance to argue. “Megumi’s getting stronger; you said it yourself.” He paused, treading carefully. “There will be a time when you wish these were enough.” 

—

Time passed fiercely. 

Megumi grew at a pace you could hardly keep up with. His sleeping figure was becoming too heavy for your hip, your dexterity failing as you felt for your keys. Then, you felt the weight shift on the opposite side of the door. 

Your struggle ended when it opened. 

“What are you—

“Shh—” Gojo held a finger to his lip, a smile imminent under it. “You’ll wake him.”

With your arms tucked under Megumi’s legs, you held him tightly to your chest as if the person before you was an intruder. Gojo watched as you slowly regained your composure, shoulders reflecting relief and the indent between your eyebrows evaporating.  

Even over the rim of his opaque glasses, Gojo knew better than to think his presence was welcomed. You readjusted your sleeping nephew lightly, frowning as you pushed past Gojo. You felt his footsteps copy your own, closely as if teasing the thought of bumping into you. 

The home was warm as if Gojo had been there for hours. Perhaps he was; you’d lost count of how long you’d been out. Especially as your arms grew tired and the river’s humidity still clung to your skin. 

“It’s late, Satoru…” You murmured over your shoulder. Your body melted from the exhaustion it carried, leaving droplets of yourself as a trail. “Whatever it is can wait…”

Gojo had always been blunt, frequently tactless in his childish rapport. However, he stood before you uncompromisingly as if your absence was a grave mistake.

“The door was unlocked—” His opaque glasses could shield his annoyance, but his words dripped with accusation. “—you weren’t here.” 

Your hold on Megumi remained secure. “He’s been having trouble sleeping.”

Megumi exchanged sleep for taming shikigami. He was diligent in understanding the world of jujutsu. You expected that alone to intimidate him, but he was already above it all, jaded about the idea of becoming a sorcerer. 

Although young, behind Megumi’s neutral expression was immense introspection. Despite his disposition, his morals weren’t laid bare yet, but he knew he wasn’t that person. That alone was enough to weigh him down.  

As his mentor, Gojo failed to notice. His focus was on your oversight. “Someone—something could have—”

“It was just a walk,” You sighed. 

The lights streamed in from the street you’d just wandered on. It cast shadows against the mess of the place. Your stress unravelled into the discarded, forgotten jackets sprawled on random chairs. 

Every surface had some mark that Gojo indulged in. They told stories he could piece together; the stains of coffee on the counter attributed to your tardiness. He could picture how you hurried before school, toast in your mouth as you fitted Megumi’s school tie and ruffled a free hand through his unruly hair. 

“He’s fine.” You promised with resignation. Gojo blinked back to the present, ignorant to how you misinterpreted his wistfulness for further criticism. “The walks help, I think.”

“You realize it’s the middle of the night, right?” He scoffed, pedantic with his dry laugh. “All my efforts, just for you to dangle yourself—

“Come on…” Your hum was half-hearted, looking at Megumi. “Lately, your efforts seem to be only convenient for you.” 

Walking away from the conversation, you did your best to keep busy. You were afraid that if you stopped moving, your world would collapse. If you stopped moving, time would consume you. 

The Zenin clan didn’t take Gojo’s loophole lightly. He responded with a few years worth of nurturing Megumi; money was siphoned to you for his care, a place was already carved for him at the school, and any sugar craving was indulged. 

That left you counting the seconds you still had with your nephew. The walks calmed you, holding Megumi so closely. His arms wrapped tightly around your neck to loosen as he was rhythmically rocked to sleep. 

You weren’t afraid to walk alone. With your whole words encased in your arms, there wasn’t anything you weren’t willing to do. Even if that meant letting go at the end of the night. 

Despite uncanny perception, Gojo was blind to how crushing that felt. 

“I can’t see what he sees, what you see.” You continued aloud. Gojo was wise to hold back on an ill-timed wind-up, able to hear your admission clearly. “But I can feel what it does.”

Megumi groaned lightly, eyebrows furrowing from your chest’s vibrations. You paused, waiting for him to settle again. The night was almost over, and you weren’t sure how long your posture could support your position. 

“Let him be a kid.” You whispered. 

Gojo’s heart had dropped to his stomach, the curtains behind you rhythmically moving in a dance that mocked him. The few words made his fingers twitch. The thought of turning into his worst nightmare was comforted by a tight breath. 

If he genuinely desired to foster the next generation—to have Megumi be his equal—any unsympathetic cruelty didn’t have space to exist. Gojo’s breath deepened, filled with promise. 

Pushing the brief turmoil out, a lightness took over him. “Are you inviting me over for a playdate?”

“He may have a funny way of showing it…” You started. Megumi could be aloof and quiet, but you knew him better than anyone else. His eyes lit up even when he complained about Gojo. “...but Megumi—

“My head’s big enough already.” Gojo stalked toward you, saving you both from something neither of you was ready for. “Let’s make a deal, hmm?”

Carefully, Gojo’s hands brushed under your arms. Their coolness made you prickle, almost taking a defensive position as he offered help.

“These strolls of yours.” He mused. “Call me.” Any protest was lost; all you could do was nod. “I’m overdue for fresh air.” 

The transfer was seamless as he took the weight of your responsibility into his own arms. Megumi was deep in sleep, unaware of how the strength of his mentor was enough to hold you up as well. 

Gojo jutted his head toward your room, hold confident on Megumi. “Go get some rest.”

[mollywog]

Modern AU where everybody lives 🦃🦃

Newlywed Everlark host their first Thanksgiving with their entire — I mean entire families

What's on the menu? What are the convos like? And most importantly, how awkward is it on a scale of 1 to 10?

Happy Thanksgiving @thesunpersists!! Thank you for the ask- I had fun with this!!

So obviously Mrs. Everdeen and Prim are there: Prim brings Rue - they met as bridesmaids in Katniss and Peeta’s wedding and have been seeing each other ever since.

The Mellark’s got divorced when Peeta was 11 and his father remarried Annie’s mother. Aside from being step siblings, Annie and Peeta are kindred spirits and great friends. She was his ‘Best Man’ at the wedding despite being 8.5 months pregnant.

So that adds: Mr. Mellark, Step-mom Cresta Mellark and great Aunt Mags (An honorary title more than a blood connection, but beloved nonetheless) to the mix.

Annie, Finnick are excited for baby Odair’s first big holiday

The Mellark brothers and families are there.

My small crack ship is middle Mellark, Rye and Enobaria (and twins.) idk guys, it’s just silly to me.

I imagine the eldest brother has teenage children that are in that weird in between phase where the other cousins are way younger than them but everyone else is a decade older.

Johanna was Katniss’s roommate in college. She went home with Katniss for Thanksgiving freshman year and kept coming every year after.

The Everdeens and Hawthornes have been celebrating together since forever, so they’re in attendance as well because I wanted them there.

Madge, Gale, and their 2.5 children have to leave early, (they split the day with the Everdeen/Hawthornes and Undersees/Donners. Gale is typically a very attentive husband and father, however tonight he is too preoccupied sizing up Posy’s new (slightly older) boyfriend and Katniss’s boss, Haymitch, who is making his mother laugh (and blush?!) (Haymitch and Hazelle were neighbors as kids and reconnected at the wedding.) Rory and Vick are also in attendance.

Unfortunately since it’s their first Thanksgiving as a married couple, everyone feels compelled to ask when they plan on ‘starting a family’ (please, please, I beg you, do not ask this.) and Katniss and Peeta make a game of making the askers feel as awkward as possible.

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

i love my mom but man does it suck when she starts talking to me about god shit. because it always leads to her trying to guilt trip me into being more religious, saying things like, “it makes your dad and i very sad that you don’t believe in god” and “you’re depressed like this because you don’t talk to god.” when i tell her that choosing not to go to church anymore is one of the few choices in my life that i don’t regret, she gets upset with me. sorry, going to go on a little bit of a rant about family and religion here (specifically catholic/christian), but i’ll stick it below the cut.

usually this convo comes up when my cousin is mentioned, because my mom and my aunt will gush about how my cousin goes to church every sunday. this happened today actually. they ignore the fact that my cousin is still a horribly spoiled, selfish, honestly terrible person who yells at/doesn’t bother to help her physically disabled, sickly mom. my “wonderful church-going” cousin who left to go on a vacation to hawaii with my shit uncle, leaving my aunt alone at home even though she had covid AND had recently broken her back. which led to me having to take 2 weeks off of work at the last minute to go stay with my aunt and take care of her. during those 2 weeks, my “wonderful” 20-something-year-old cousin would repeatedly call my aunt to cry and complain that she wanted to come home because she “didn’t feel good.” and my aunt, laying in bed with her broken back and various other health issues, would baby her. oh, but my cousin goes to church, so that means she’s such a good person! i just don’t get it.

one of the reasons i refuse to go to church anymore is because of this backwards-ass hypocritical way of thinking so many people there seem to have. there’s just this feeling of insincerity to it all where people show up once a week to pat themselves on the back for being “good people”, then gather in the lobby after mass to gossip about the one trans woman who recently joined the congregation (unfortunately this isn’t an example i made up). or later go to the supermarket and yell at an underpaid employee. or go on a hawaii vacation and leave your mom home alone with a broken back.

i attended church from age 1 to age 18. as i grew older, church started to feel more and more suffocating. it got to the point where i was having anxiety attacks during mass. i tried distracting myself with drawing on the pamphlets given out at the front door. and when i was banned from that, i resorted to drawing on my skin, which didn’t last long. i ended up sneaking earbuds in and hiding the wires under my hair and clothes so i could drown out the sounds of church with music. i would just stare at the floor and try to just focusing on breathing, but it was just all too suffocating. i was told that the reason i was feeling and acting this way in church was because “the devil was talking to me.” “the devil” was trying to take me away from church and god, so i needed to stop feeling like this and just pray. that time i started crying in the pew because it all became too much and i felt incredibly overwhelmed? that’s the devil. pray about it. uh, actually, mr. jesus, it was because i have bad social and generalized fuckin anxiety. and also very likely autistic but i haven’t been officially diagnosed until this day. so yeah.

thinking back on it now, it was kind of fucked up. but i don’t blame my parents for how they acted. sometimes i feel a little angry and disappointed about how they handled things, but i don’t blame them. because as i watched kids be baptized, i would hear the priest tell the parents that it was their responsibility to raise their kid to be a good god-fearing person. that it was their responsibility to keep their kid from “straying from the light” and avoiding damnation. i know my parents were told the same thing when i was baptized. that it’ll be their fault if i “stray from the light” and end up getting sent to hell. i just see it as guilt-tripping bullshit. it was my choice to not go to church or follow the religion. i hate that this system has told my parents they should feel guilty about this and that it’s their fault that my soul won’t be saved, because they didn’t “guide me in the lord’s way” good enough. i hate that this system has made me feel like i’ve failed my parents. it’s bullshit.

i’m sure there are churches out there who contain genuinely good, accepting folk. and i’m sure there are people who find comfort in having a religion. i’m glad for them. i’ve just personally have some negative experiences with religion and I’ve learned that it’s just not for me.

i try my best to be a good and kind person. i try really, really hard. i just don’t go to church anymore. the fact that i don’t do this one thing shouldn’t devalue all my efforts.

[luffyvace]

hiii can i request hairo x male reader romantic texts?

sure love!! The romantics texts are pretty fun to do since it’s all in quotation marks 😋

I’m happy to be writing more hcs for him tbh bc i have more ideas for him

🔥🙏

。。。。。。<3 。。。。。

“Do you wanna come play tennis with me?”

”are you gonna watch me play tennis after school?”

”are you gonna be able to make it to the tennis tournament?? I hope so! It would fuel me to see your support from the crowd!! 🔥🔥”

”would you like to come over for dinner? My mom wants to know”

“When your done with your homework do you wanna go for a jog? Our goal could be the dog park so we’ll feel motivated to go pet the dogs!!”

”im going to go to the gym this weekend 💪💪 can I have your support?”

”im gonna move up in weights again :) it will not be easy but the gain will be worth it! 💪☝️“

”Nendo is a formidable opponent! I challenged him to a tennis game, are you gonna be there?”

”how big do you think the gap is between me and nendo when it comes to physical prowess?”

”I’ve noticed your muscles have gotten bigger lately! Keep up the good work m/n! It’s paying off!! 🔥💪🙏”

”do you wanna go out with me, Saiki, kaido and nendo? They invited me out for noodles so I was wondering if you wanted to join!”

convos :P

”how about we start off tomorrow with some laps around the school? We could both get up at 5 and meet up”

”uhh I’ll meet you there at 7”

”your only gonna do an hour? Come in m/n I know you can go longer than that!”

”ive seen you run longer when getting chased by a vicious dog! 😁🙏”

”uhh yeah thanks for that reminder….I’ll be there by 6:30”

”that’s the spirit! Push your limit always!! 🔥🔥”

convo 2

”hey hairo I found an online tennis game do you wanna play?”

”even when playing video games your still playing a sport! How admirable! Of course I would! What’s the name of it?”

”I knew you’d like it :) it’s called tennis clash!”

”downloaded now! What’s your user?”

convo 3

“My aunt is moving and she needs help, do you think you could help carry the heavy stuff?”

”of course! I would more than love to both help you and work out at the same time!! 💪💓”

”thanks hairo!”

”you can always count on me m/n!”

convo 4

“My mom would like you to come over for dinner once again :)”

”sure her cooking is great!”

”she also wants you to invite your parents”

”alright I will! We’ll all come over!”

”okay! Can you come over now so we can play that tennis game you found?”

”ya! I’ll be there in 10!”

”sounds good!”

convo 5

“awww man this homework is so hard! Do you get it??”

”come over I’ve got an idea!”

“What is it?”

”for every question you get wrong we’ll both do an exercise for 5 minutes! That’ll motivate you to get the questions right, relieve stress and build muscle simultaneously!”

”that’s a well thought out plan but with all the questions I’m getting wrong idk If I can do it 😭”

”we’ll be excerising all night and I know you can’t stay up past 8”

”besides you ranked fourth in exams! Can’t you help me? 😭”

”yes you can! you can do it m/n!”

”I’ll stay up as long as it takes! 😼”

”of course I’ll help! But we still have to do an excerise for every one you get wrong!”

”look on the bright side we’ll be doing it together!”

”alright fine 😭😭”

convo 6

”hey hairo I know something that’ll motivate you to stay up past 8!”

”what is it? 😄”

”let’s have a competition! Whoever falls asleep first has to carry the other on they’re back on the way to school then do 5 laps around campus when we get there! 😼”

”wow!! That’s a great idea! Even if I loose it’s still a win because I’ll be getting exercise!”

”yeah! Ya see? Come over for a sleepover tomorrow and we’ll do the challenge”

”you bet!”

convo 7

”my mom wants me to go grocery shopping for her will you come?”

”yeah sure :) which store?”

“Street goods, but not the one near the gas station”

”let’s jog all the way to the far out one!”

”come on I know we can do it!”

”promise me we get to walk back and if I get tired your carrying me and the groceries“

”challenge accepted!! 💪☝️“

Convo 8

”how much weight can your father lift?”

”huh why?”

”because today my new goal is to lift more than a grown man can!! 😆”

”😭”

”okay well I’ll ask em”

”right!”

”now that I think about it how come you didn’t ask your dad?”

”oh I would have but he’s at work so I didn’t want to disturb his grind!”

”he works on Saturdays?”

”it’s voluntary but still admirable!”

”ohhh”

”well he says he can lift around 280 last he checked”

”wow!! A worthy goal! Thank you! And tell your father thank you as well!”

”of course hairo :)”

”tell him I said we should work out together some time! 280 isn’t a weight just any man can lift overnight!”

”you should join us as well!”

”I’ll let em know :) but idk if I’ll be able to lift 280 😅😂😂”

“Of course you can m/n! With enough dedication any weight is able to be lifted! Whether that’s by 100,000 people helping or one man who is very strong!”

”thanks, I’ll do my best‼️“

”Always! And glad to hear it!”

“Is he available Sunday?”

”he says yes”

”great! Hope to see you there too!”

”depends! 😋”

convo 9

”I’m going to make a low carb sandwich for lunch tomorrow at school, would you like me to make you one?”

”sure! I appreciate it!”

”no problem!!”

Convo 10

”I’ve found a 100% healthy restaurant where they’re target audience are those who want to eat healthy and build muscle! Isn’t this great!?”

”if your free can we meet at *distant location* tomorrow??”

”wow that’s a very diverse restaurant! I’d love to go!”

”the walking distance tho..😭”

”yep! It’s a great way to build muscle on the way there! 💪”

”cardio is great when paired with a healthy diet!”

”it’ll be like working for you food”

”well I’m sure it’ll be worth it by the time we’re there so why not! :)”

”happy to hear your on board! It’s a date then :)”

convo 11

“I'm going to hit the gym! Will you be there to hold down my feet on sit-ups?”

”as always 🙏”

”thank you!”

”don’t mention it 👍”

convo 12

”your mother’s cooking from last night was very fufilling and nutritional! May I ask if you could send me her recipe?”

”sure I’ll ask her!”

”can’t wait!”

” *recipe* ”

”thank you! And tell her I said thank her as well! The meal was delicious and bursting with flavor and I felt extra energized to do my before bed push-ups!”

”and for the recipe!”

”LOL np, and she said the same”

dude idk how or why but my ideas for hairo pop out like poop, like it’s just infinite!

I have another 2 requests to do, then some stuff I wanna write for fun then I’m back to my list of characters I wanna write for…man I haven’t worked on that thing in a while

[jewish-vents]

I'm Sephardi but my dad grew up in a toxic white Ashkenazi community where being Sephardi was frowned upon and they were seen as 'not real Jews'.

My dad, at 16, went to Israel to study in yeshiva and met my mother there. My mother is a white Ashkenazi and comes from a chabad family. My mums family is amazing and growing up in Israel there was always somebody to pick me up or play with me. I was never lonely, living opposite my grandparents and spending every waking moment there. I do not have many clear memories of my house, but have hundreds upon thousands of memories in my grandparents and great grandparents house.

Now I live in England and my cousin (also Sephardi) I don't want to say look down, but I feel like sometimes she does.

Her father managed to keep strong hold of his Sephardi customs whereas my father did not. He was welcomed with open arms by my grandparents and had taken on quite alot of Chabad customs cos we lived there and growing up in my chabad grandparents house, that's just how we did things. We do not do kitniot on pesach cos we have lots of friends who will not eat by us if we do and that hurts. My cousins family do and she says they don't care. But I would be lonely after being surrounded by people every shabbat and festival, all my aunts and uncles and cousins coming, with the odd bochur and sem girl as well.

When having convos about wearing makeup on Shabbat or customs that she does and I don't, she asks me why. I simply explain that my mums Chabad but she persists. I do feel that sometimes she looks down on me that we don't so Sephardi customs but we do! I'm proud of my Sephardi identity! I'm PROUD to be Sephardi!

But she has to understand that our fathers came out of that toxic community with scars! She rarely goes up to visit our grandparents who still live there but we do. She says her father finds it hard and I understand. But my father, no matter how hard it is, makes the drive to see his parents and tries to maintain that relationship. I trust that it's getting better, that place left scars on them all but they're getting better. Because my dad left as soon as he could he tried to forget the abuse he received from other children and the shul.

My grandfather recently lost his mother, may she rest in peace. She was a fabulous woman, escaping Iraq and immigrating to Israel during those hard years of cruelty the Jews received. The shul would not give him an aliyah to say for his mothers soul. Do you belive that? My grandfather is a Sephardi baltshuva he is MORE HOLY that the Rabbi there! People who become religious again are seen as holier than even the holiest rabbis! same as converts!

But yes. I am Sephardi and proud. I do Chabad customs and am proud of it. I do Ashkenazi customs and proud of it. I daven Askenazi davening and go to a Lubavitch Shul and I am fucking proud of it. I have a picture of the Lubavitcher Rebbe in our living room and I am proud. I carry around a small picture of that big picture and proud of it.

Screw those who made me feel inferior because I do not do Sephardi customs. I am as Sephardi as the rest of you!

.

[libra-stellium]

Tracking Venus transits!

Notes from Planets in Transit - Robert Hand

Venus sextile Ascendant (May 8 - May 12)

I was sleep deprived during this time from my loud upstairs neighbors so I didn't go anywhere lol it was still a chill time

Very lighthearted time, you should be able to relax with friends

You feel so good you want to share it with everyone and express your feelings of affections

This transit helps to improve your relationships with everyone especially those closest to you

Good time to go out and meet people

Transit helps ensure you make a favorable impression

Venus sextile Saturn (May 13 - May 18)

This transit will show you in a positive way the duties and obligations that you have to live up to in your relationships, this will not be difficult

On 5/17 my aunt came to my apt asking for a slice of bread (she lives in the building lol) and I was like just make a sandwich and she did and at the same time my bestie texted me she was on her way and I was like ??? you're a day early lol but she didn't want to stay at her house so I told her it was fine to come and that was honestly fine! I think that the space I created for myself is so homey that it also brings other people comfort when they are here and I'm happy to share it!

Transit favors any creative activity demanding close attention to details

I made so much progress on my 3000 piece puzzle! I went to zumba and that was a lot of fun!

Your work will be carried out with great discipline

I packed my suitcase so easily!

Venus trine Neptune (May 15 - May 20)

Very pleasant transit, not very good to get work done, daydreaming

I didn't have any work at work and I was getting ready for vacation lol

Enables you to deal with people with great compassion and tenderness, you understand what they feel and think

That same night my aunt came for the sandwich we had a conversation and she was basically saying how she doesn't like having thoughts and i was like ??? tf?? lmao but basically she doesn't process anything ever bc to her it happened in the past so it doesn't matter anymore lol and then in the same convo she wants to talk about stuff her dad did when she was younger and the effect on her lol like....okay girl

Transit induces unselfish and spiritual love, just wandering about in a fog

I think this was an ideal transit to have while traveling bc this sounds like barely sleeping on the place and still having a fun day out bc it doesn't even feel real!

Venus trine Uranus (May 18 - May 23)

Transit will bring a little excitement to your life, something unexpected and stimulating that will help to make ordinary days more easily borne

New experiences every day in Amsterdam!

People you meet today are likely to be quite different from your usual friends

I was in a different country so everyone was different lol all super nice! Although tell me why at baggage claim when we arrived this lady literally punched my shoulder to move me out of her way LMFAO old ass bitch

You will seek different forms of entertainment today, maybe a concert of experimental music

Bestie and I tried edibles for the first time! It just made me more hilarious tbh but it was interesting to see that i had the same "sober up" power for like 5 min that I have when I'm drunk which is just enough to make sure we were safe and would get to our hotel safely lol

Venus opposite Pluto (May 20 - May 24)

You will seek feelings and emotions that transport you out of the ordinary

I feel like it was fated to try edibles in Amsterdam lol

Existing relationships may suffer difficulties because of obscure conflicts

I wonder if my aunt sharing my pics with my mom on 5/21 would count as an obscure conflict....

Be aware of yourself at all times, don’t let resentment flare up, air tensions but not destructively

I don't remember tensions tbh

Venus trine Sun (May 23 - May 28)

One of the most pleasant transits, good for enjoyable activity

This was the last couple days of my vacation, the trip back and first day back at work lol it was a fun time overall and that first day back at work no one emailed me asking for things so that was great!

Transit is good for recreation, pleasure, and amusing yourself with friends

Bestie and I went on these swings at the top of a building in Amsterdam and that was amazing!

[funarisjournal]

Chapter 51 Thoughts!

So, tonight, we got hit with the latest chapter of Tsukutabe. Apparently this one is a continuation of the last chapter, though now we're in Nagumo's apartment. My assumption? Either it's that evening after Ch 50's outing or another day entirely...

(spoiler talk after the cut)

Deuteragonists are still important! I'm really glad we got to see a continuation of Nagumo's identity search and I love that Yako reiterates that she doesn't NEED to find a label if she doesn't want to (and neither should you, by the way! It is never something that should be forced on you). However, Nagumo assures her she really does. This is her decision, for her peace of mind.

As far as I could tell, "questioning" was the term Nagumo was leaning more toward because of her uncertainty right now, and Yako also introduced her to "genderfluid" as a possible thing to research since she (Nagumo) doesn't seem to think "nonbinary" or "x-gender" are quite the terms she's looking for. Not yet, anyway. All her searches in this chapter feel like she's doing real quick stuff, so of course all this new info is gonna be overwhelming at first!

Also, remember in the drama how Kasuga said that food seems to give one the strength to carry on? This was shown in today's chapter, sort of, as Nagumo took a moment to have some soy-based kara-age that she had to fry up on her own. Of course it was delicious! She ate it all up and was ready to give it another go, even asked if she could have a chat with Yako about her thoughts even if they already had a convo like this already. It's okay to seek out someone to talk to!

I love that, even if Nagumo ended up with an uncertain outcome (for now), the fact that she's starting her own self-discovery journey was enough to make Yako have so many feels. In fact, I am SO glad a character like Yako was introduced into the story. Wise, elder lgbtq folks thar guide the others need to exist in media more often. We don't need to blindly figure things out every single time in these stories...it made sense in the past, but nowadays?

Anyway, Yako is such a proud gay aunt, heh.

Some bonus musings: There's a part after Nagumo finishes her meal, where she notices a new post from Nomoto, so far with one Like. The post is the same one that Nomoto made in Chapter 49, her coming-out post. The first Like was Yako (of course) and Nagumo follows her panel up with Liking the post as well (and commenting how brave Nomoto is).

This means Chapter 51 (and likely 50 as well) take place on that same day as 49. Neat how we can get peeks into the lives of these four from various points-of-view~

Today's update

Chapter 49

And, while Nomoto and Kasuga were, sadly, not in this chapter (they weren't in Ch. 50 save for that amazing illustration), they do make a cameo when Nagumo talks about the friends she has now

I love this found family (happy sniffle)

[alphinias]

Jeremiah is so INSUFFERABLE in the first three episodes and I actually can’t believe this is the BJ season and audiences are supposed to root for them? This man hasn’t talked to belly in like almost a year and the first real conversation they have about Susannah dying and then not talking he thrOWS HER BREAK UP IN HER FACE AND BASICALLY SAYS I TOLD YOU SO???? Like hmm.. I thought he was the “nice one” who was empathetic and cared more for belly? Like I’m sorry in what world bc he clearly only cares about himself? And the way he like at any given opportunity during the car ride up to cousins and when they were going to see aunt Julia was calling Conrad an asshole and shit talking him unprovoked… never once giving his brother grace for GRIEVING their mother??? Like the stark parallel to the fisher boys fighting/not communicating vs the Conklin siblings fighting and Steven and Taylor having a convo where Steven admits he was wrong and doesn’t shit talk belly with the clear intention of making things right once he sees belly again? Like Jeremiah makes everything about his feelings, he’s so selfish!!!!!!!!!! and thinking that we have already sat through belly assuaging his ego (“I called you first not him” meanwhile like the bold face lie bc we know she would’ve called Conrad had she not acted like a fool at that funeral) and are gonna have to sit through it to prove narratively that he’s the better choice (for the time being) makes me wanna gauge my eyeballs out!!!! He makes my blood boil

Yeah, I’m not going to act like both Jeremiah and Conrad don’t have flaws, because they definitely do, but personally Jeremiah’s drive me insane. The selfishness is a huge ick for me (and so is the fact that he can’t even change a tire! Ew!). One is too selfless and the other is selfish so there’s no choice whatsoever for me.

And he’s spent his whole life competing with Conrad and it’s clear there’s a part of him that jumps on every opportunity to think less of him for this reason or that. I did like the brother talk at the end, but the constant shit talking is super annoying. I do think a part of it is Jeremiah grieving in his own way too and taking certain things out on Conrad, which I can understand how that works for that character but still don’t personally like. I do love how Belly and Steven will fight like cats and dogs but ultimately for the most part they’d be like “no one can shit talk my sibling but me.”

In comparison to Jeremiah, Conrad’s main flaw is thinking he has to do everything himself, even to the detriment of people around him, but he was making so much progress with Belly and telling her so many things he’s never told anyone. They’re super compatible. But then he backslid because he’s an 18 year old kid and his mom died, so personally I can’t be too mad at him for that.

I think ultimately, even though he irritates me, I can see why someone else might like Jeremiah. Just not for Belly over Conrad.

[via-l0ve]

🎃

Hey I already sent you one of these (I was the one freaking out at the end being all like EW THIS IS TO MUCH IM SO SORRY THIS IS EMBARRASSING and you shipped me with SAM OMG TYSM) you'll probs know who I am

I was hoping that if it doesn't bother you to much I could request the same thing but for different fandoms? 100% ok if not!

Maybe for The Marauders, breakfast club, The outsiders, Hunger games, marvel, Grease, Stranger things and Twilight (PLEASE DONT DO ALL OF THEM! I don't want to put you through that, I just want to tell you what fandoms I'm apart of and you can pick whoever you ship me with/who you think I'm most compatible with:)

Please don't ship me with Remus or Lily! I have a brother named Remus and an aunt named Lily and it weirds me out 😭

(Here is a few more things about me just in case)

I play the piano, I'm pretty messy but not like gross messy yk, I've cheated on almost every test I've ever had, I know French, Italian, Ukrainian, a bit of Russian and German, I have freckles all around my body, I love physical touch, my love language is physical touch and gift giving, I'm a hufflepuff, I'd probs be a greaser, I relate to Nick Miller from New girl alot, I know how to braid others people's hair but not my own, I have mornings, I'm a night owl, love fall and winter, hate summer, have mixed feelings about spring, love the cold, I like Pepsi more than coke and I take hygiene very seriously

Have a beautiful nice day!!

OMG HIII!!!! I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOURE SO COOL

Okay so i did a few.

i ship you with sirius black!!

you guys would have matching motorcycles (yours is pink and his is black). he also wants to hear you speak in your languages bc he’ll get on his knees and literally worship you like he falls in love even more. he DEFINITELY passes you notes to cheat on tests and class work all the time. he loves it when you play piano and always wants to hear it <3

—

ALSOOOO

i ship you with Sodapop Curtis :)

i just feel like you guys are perfect for eachother. you’re kind of opposites in a way but also he would cuddle you and give you such physical affection it would make you melt. he hates mornings and would stay in bed with you until like 1pm when steve’s calling him bc he’s late for work! he can’t help it he loves being around you!!! he’ll stay up with you all night and have deep convos and watch movies with you. teach him how to play piano and PLEASEEEEE braid his hair he will love it so much

[sweetswesf]

Thanksgiving & Colleague Date

Despite my grandparents not even being able to walk without canes, they had to cook Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has not been enjoyable since high school for me. At a certain point, I became conscious to how glutenous Thanksgiving made me feel. On top of that, i just really hate not feeling great after the high fat and sodium. On top of THAT, my mom isn’t the main cook ever since my parents split and her replacement cooks, my paternal grandparents, my father, my maternal aunt, just do a bad job. The food is actually bad and there are few things I don’t think taste good.

This year, while I appreciate a hot home-cooked meal, the dressing was NOT done, the turkey was not good, the rolls were burnt, the greens were overcooked, no mac, etc. My dad said my grandmother was literally vomiting so hard the morning of Thanksgiving that they were not even sure it was going to be cooked. My grandfather literally had to sit on a stool to cook. When I walked in the door when I arrived from the airport, before I even put my bags down, my grandfather asked for help. I figured they would require more help this year, but I just vote for us not doing it and going out or ordering the food in. They always overcook too. I know because I cleaned and put everything up. I’m not even sure they enjoy it. 2 days after Thanksgiving, fridge still full of leftovers, they bought KFC and fried catfish.

My mom’s side did the takeout thing one year, and I loved it! Thai. Nice and easy. No clean up. It was cheaper and actually tasty. We even did Shabu Shabu that year. I even invited the girl that I told yall called me cheap after I didn’t pay her for the Coachella stay 🥴. But now my aunt has gone back to cooking traditional Thanksgiving and I really don’t enjoy her cooking.

I can be grateful for a meal but still want us all to save money, eat healthier, have something we all enjoy, and save time. 🤷🏾‍♀️. If the tradition no longer is working, let’s change it…

I eat it not because I want to but because I just really don’t want to hear anyone’s mouth.

I get thrown off my healthy eating habits. I made a trip to Sprouts and had to hide my food in the outside garage.

I didn’t spend the night of my mother’s. I thought I would have a convo with her about how I feel hurt by them still not holding my brother accountable for all these years of blaming me for why we don’t talk and them believing him, then him confessing that it was him all along and him saying that I was only trying to help and wanted the best for him. He avoids me whenever I am in town and for the longest, everyone thought it was me despite me telling them it wasn’t, but because we each have had our disagreements (which involved me holding them accountable for ways they hurt me and them not wanting to hear it) they believed him, even though I felt they knew it wasn’t the truth. Them believing him would require them to face how I was right when I held them accountable for the things I called them out for in treatment of me.

My little brother has always been distant from me. I didn’t like that my mother babied him and seemed to be disgusted by any physical affection like hugs or laying next to each other on the couch that I craved from her. She admitted she has always had a problem with physical affection. She isn’t a very hug-y person even to this day. Anyway, back to him, I always wanted to help my little brother navigate every step of life and he just would not let me. He admitted to my parents that although we never said explicitly, he felt implicitly that he had to do just as good if not better than me. I was a very high achiever, but I was just trying to ensure that I didn’t go hungry, because this world can be crude cruel and the competition is stiff. I wanted to help him navigate and learn from the mistakes I made. But he was so intimidated that he just shut me out. He had to sell his narrative so he went so far as to block my phone number. He went through all of school and even grad school without telling me. Everyone, even peers and family members though, say they didn’t think he liked them because he is very anti-social and oftentimes rude. He’s never been required to develop certain social skills. And my family has never required him to do right by me. Every time I come down to visit, he will go to the other parent’s house to avoid me. I know almost nothing about the guy and can count on my hands how many conversations we have had.

My mom didn’t want to talk to him and hold him accountable and she wanted me to sleep in the closet where he used to sleep while he sleeps in the bed during my visit for Thanksgiving. I said absolutely not. If I were married, they would never ask this. I mentioned this in my last post, but mentioning it again for reference. Anyway, I felt bad.

When I hung out with my mom, I thought we would talk about this or Cynthia and not seeing Wicked. She had an attitude when I got in the car, as I assumed she would. I didn’t even match her energy. I just fake smiles. I know how my family treats me and I know I can go to refuge back in the South Bay, so I just tolerate it for some time.

I set up a cooking class for us and saw a friend from high school there. It was a fun class and I finally got to make cavatelli with the paddle thing AND orchetti. Class was half white and half black and the teacher spoke down to the Black women. Meanwhile, I’ve lived in Milan and studied and spoke the language fluently for years, but I didn’t say nothing. Teacher was shocked at how good my orchetti was shaped and asked, shocked, “You did that?!” 🙄

Anyway, my mom was in such a rush at the end. I couldn’t sit and enjoy. It’s like she’s checked out. We talk and have convos, but sometimes I know her mind is running and she can’t be present…she had finished her meal but I hadn’t finished mine but she was urging me to finish…

Went to a bar with my colleague that I have a crush on but he has a gf. Ever since knowing, I’ve been trying to convince myself I’m not attracted to him. I definitely don’t intend on involving myself with him, but he’s attractive. He told me to let him know the next time I was down in LA. I was down for my reunion and completely forgot to tell him. That’s how much I have been trying to distance myself. I even have thought of canceling our biweekly 1:1s, because I don’t need more opportunities to fall further. It’s hard for me to just be friends with men I find attractive and they haven’t introduced to me to their significant others.

Well, I found myself talking about how I came down for my reunion a few weeks ago and he called out I didn’t tell him and I felt bad for forgetting, so the next time, which was this weekend, I kept my word. He picked a hipster (wow, no one uses this word anymore…) outdoor pastrami spot. At first I thought, “Eww, what does he think of me? Cheap!?” I showed up and it was really cute! Romantic! Frequented by grown and classy Black folks.

Before arriving, I pushed us back TWICE to 8 from our originally planned 7. He handled it well every time. Even said, “If you get hungry, there’s a pastrami spot nearby.” He’s a lot of what I’m looking for in a partner. But, I’m not going to lie. I felt really bad about going knowing how I feel and knowing he has a partner, on a Saturday night in what was an intimate-feeling bar. Drinks were wack, but definitely a date night bar. Nonetheless, I looked cute, smelled great, crapped, showered, and shaved before, and took a nice Comfort Uber over. Even wore some heels!

I didn’t know how to act or be. If I know the person is interested, a different me comes out. The setting gave date, but we are most certainly colleagues. I wasn’t trying to mess anything up in terms of our working relationship, even though I don’t imagine we will work together closely at our current place of work ever since I moved teams, but he IS thinking of transferring to my group soon…

I imagined it slightly tending towards a romantic convo, and imagined we’d get pretty deep. One of those was true…

We talked from 8 till 11:30. We got deep into our parents’ relationships, high school, LA, why I’m still in the Bay, 2025 goals, entrepreneurship aspirations, concerts, Drake & Kendrick’s feud, and exchanged trip photos and stories from our separate trips to Japan. Here’s where I got into my ethnic identity, how my maternal grandparents came about, how my Japanese family asked me via a note as I was leaving on the train if my maternal grandmother had been abused 🥴.

There was a point where we both got a little buzzed, me I feel more so than him, because it takes NOTHING to get my tipsy these days. And I’m a fun buzzed. I’m already a pretty free spirit and lover of life, but I just get even more friendly. And I care less than I already do about how I look or what I say. My filter I feel can get in the way of me speaking clearly. I don’t drink to get drunk. In fact, after that night, I vowed to try to be more sober and give up alcohol altogether. It’s doing more harm than good at this point. My skin hasn’t been improving and alcohol doesn’t help it, and I need all the youth I can get given the lack of sleep I get on the reg.

There was no funny business. No convos about sex. He mentioned his girlfriend and I FINALLY got to see pics of her. OF COURSE I compared us! We look similar, as I expected, because he said she was Ethiopian. Someone asks me every day if I’m Habesha, since I was a kid. Ain’t no “better”. We both beautiful in our own ways.

He paid for everything. His gf picked him up. I had to ask to meet her. He seemed a bit reluctant when I asked. He never said no, just, it was a hesitant, “Sure.” Weird.

I hung outside her car, tipsy af because I had been drinking more than usual that day (and started with the cooking class as early as noon! on little sleep and food; maybe this is why he was reluctant to say yes to me meeting her). I shook her hand, told her she was gorgeous and how I had heard a lot about her. She definitely seems warm and a great socializer. I’m a little more rough around the edges, I feel…She offered me a ride home, and I may have obliged sober, but my true feelings came out a bit and thanked her kindly but said my Uber was here. Girl, it’s weird enough! Take me out of my misery and let me go home tipsy solo…again…

I felt I needed to push past the fear of not asking and ask to meet her for girl code purposes. How trash would it look that she’s literally right there and I don’t speak when I’ve just spoken to her pretty serious boyfriend for HOURS alone at night and she ain’t never met me…

I asked him via text that night how much I owed him and he said I didn’t owe him anything but that the next round’s on me in the Bay. He’ll be there next week. Why didn’t he just invite his gf and make it a friend thing where I could have invited people too, especially if she was going to pick him up anyway? She probably dropped him off too.

Hopefully I’m doing a good job at masking how I feel and he’s not doing all this knowing how I feel, cause that would be cruel. I don’t like that and wouldn’t want my boyfriend going to bars with women late night and having me pick them up afterwards. I felt weird accepting the invitation to go out but didn’t want to make it weird by saying no. Some people are very secure with their relationships. Many people are also swingers, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t expecting him to ask me so I could SHUT HIM DOWN but be flattered by the proposition…Maybe I’m a little scarred and used to married men acting single, but idk, we ain’t tight like that to need to go to a bar together on a Saturday night when he has something going on feels weird to me. I want to ask him what he thinks I think of him. I’m not sure if it’s a leading question. I kinda want to joking be like, “Your gf let you be out with female friends she ain’t met?,” and “What did you think of me asking to meet her…” Let me know in the comments how ya’ll feel and how yall think I should address it.

Idk…he won some points and lost some…won for being a gentleman…lost also for being a gentleman 😅. Although he has good qualities, I would never want him. He’s officially marked himself as friend forever, because I would never approve of him doing this if we were together. No. You not finna embarrass me like that. That girl don’t have to endure that either. Am I tripping y’all??

Before I left home to come back to the Bay, I had some alone time with my grandfather. He said, “Before I die, I would love to see you and your brother getting along again.” I love my grandfather, but told him that was unfair. I pleaded my side and shared how offended I was that after all these years, the onus to salvage the relationship seems to be on me despite the hurt I’ve endured and the attempts I’ve made (that I didn’t have to) to mend our relationship. I also called out that they never hold my brother to the same standard. He wasn’t fully convinced. I told my mom in person when we hung out I would come over for Christmas, but almost immediately after, and ESPECIALLY after my convo with my grandfather, I felt I needed to stick to caring for myself and I did that with this:

On my way out the door to head to the airport, I poked my eye with a hanger. I felt it was for getting really passionate and not listening to my grandfather. I felt it was God humbling me, and reminding me, that I have a great opportunity with work, and I could have ended it by poking my eye out because I was rushing to get in the closet in that hoarding house. I need to be more grateful and be a better steward of my blessings. Give more. Be on time. Eat right. Stop drinking to get closer to men that really don’t care about me like that…

I felt really bad after the date…in fact, really bad that nothing had happened…not gonna like. Like, I was glad we can remain friends, but also I didn’t trust that his intentions are pure and I felt like he needed a who boost, because I’ve been that for dudes before, unbeknownst to me…

I analyzed all the ways in which I have done that to other guys, but I haven’t done that in very long. Maybe it’s still my past, but, I’ve matured past that now.

I always leave home happy to get back to the Bay. My thoughts this time are, I don’t know where I fully want or need to be, but I FEEL like God wants me here in the Bay. Even the sermon at church today mentioned not moving until God says so and making new places home. Perhaps the Bay is that. I’ve fought living here for so long, but I love what it’s made me, the opportunities it’s afforded me, and I think the possibilities for my career will be optimal here, but I also wonder if NY will nurture the other sides of me: closer to my friends there, potential spouse and experiences out there…and it may be great given that the company I envision me selling my app to is in NY…but I’m not there yet, and despite friends from LA and NY asking me where I’m going to go and how I should go to their respective city, I don’t hear a resounding, “You should stay…” That voice is quieter in agreeance with me when I respond, “I don’t mind the Bay though…,” but it be there…Shoot, even the poll I did on this blog said I should move to LA LOL.

I’m still digging for gold to change our lives and the lives of so many other people. I’m in it for the long run. I see the vision. Everything I’ve done so far has been working out the vision God placed before me. I just have to stay prayed up so that I remain inline with his purpose for me. He plants the desires in my heart but he also grants me a lot of the desires I have too, that may or may not have come from Him. Just trying to figure it out. I’m grateful to you, Lord and ask you to keep guiding my steps.

I told my mom about the date and how uncomfortable I felt, and she suggested the next one with him should be with friends. I agree. Boy you know how I feel. Stop playing with me…and stop playing with your girlfriend (who he interchangeably calls his partner…no, sir…you don’t get to call her that until she’s at least your fiance, right?…maybe he’s wishful thinking). Maybe next time I will ask if he plans to marry her, but that also ain’t my business. See, I don’t know what is and what isn’t appropriate just yet. Cause if we was friends, I would, but if we was friends, I would have already met her before we did a solo meet up :/

A little extra for yall while I’m on this plane (which I’m finding to be one of my favorite places to right):

Before heading home for Thanksgiving, the dude I took out for his birthday who I had raw sex with carelessly after the dinner hit me. The last time we spoke was via text. He canceled on me and said he just wanted to go home and that he had to cancel because he didn’t want me to feel bad if he was feeling down in my presence and not in the mood. Given we had had sex, have known each other for over 18 years, talked about everything over dinner, for him to not share vaguely why, or even want to LIE, made me think it was about me. I told him it was cool. He then texted me a couple times after that to see if I had made it home safe to no response from me. I had already deaded the thought of investing more in that whatever weird situationship. I had even deleted his number, but I guess I didn’t block him, because when I got a random text the day before Thanksgiving from an unsaved LA number that read, “Do you do this regularly, or just to me?,” I thought it was spam. When I looked to see the message history, I concluded, “Oh he misses me 😏😏😏,” which felt great given how I’ve been on the horrible end of heartbreak, then, “How should I respond, because this sounds angry, but I don’t want to fuel the fire?”

I called him and started playfully with, “[His name]…let’s talk…“

I tried to talk, but it felt like I was thrown back to days when I argued with my Mom and Dad. I had even started cursing and screaming at one point. I’m sure my neighbors loved it…

I spoke my peace, told him I had stopped responding because I figured it was about me and that I hadn’t been seeing the things I expect from guys I want to pursue: he didn’t cuddle with me after sex, he was pretty transparent about everything BUT why he couldn’t come over. His argument was that I shouldn’t assume, but he still didn’t want to tell me the real reason or even lie, and I told him that. I even took it back to high school and said he’s never asked me to be his girlfriend. A man don’t stop at nothing if he want you to be his girlfriend, but he will play with you when he just want something from you. And this is what he was doing. He wanted me to just believe him face value. He kept telling me what I should do and I had to quickly remind him, I ain’t the same person from high school and he don’t have the same hold over me. I’m not insecure and he ain’t gave me anything to be talking out his neck. I reminded him, if I believed everything everyone said, I’d be in a worse position than I am today, but I’m doing damn good and have done pretty good without his suggestions thus far and don’t see his suggestions having that much impact on me. I respect him for trying, but his ego is WAYY too big to hear me. I was trying to teach him how conversations like this should go, but it’s not effective to teach while the test is being given. He was throwing low blow jabs, telling me I should heal from past traumas, meanwhile, he ain’t in a place to have any opinion on any of that. I told him we definitely hopped in the bed way too soon as we have no real trust established…I spared him the “and we’re not married.” He did hear me out. I had like a multi-minute monologue where I told him I was being very vulnerable and to be careful with how he responds, and when we came off of mute, it was horrible. We were already on the phone for over an hour at that point. There was no use in even taking it this far. I had threatened to get off the phone a few times, and when he would go silent, I knew he didn’t want to just end it there. I appreciated he was invested, but he wasn’t listening as he should have been. I asked him to kinda retell what I let my heart out to him about to ensure we’re on the same page which would also give me the chance to clear up anything I perhaps did not convey right. He took it as me bossing him around and he didn’t want to do it. Not even a little bit. So at that point, I figured, I don’t need to be his teacher in this. We don’t have much invested in one another. With my mom and dad, I had to struggle through, but I had already mentally been okay with not continuing this situationship with this dude, so finally I said I had had enough and told him talk to you later and actually blocked him this time.

I ain’t even mention I had to take a Plan B after the night with him 🙄. I’m grateful I have the means and recognize a lot of people don’t and end up with responsibilities with people they didn’t ask for for the rest of their lives…

Why people keep messing with me?

I cried in the shower a few weeks ago just overwhelmed a bit. Felt a bit lonely. Wanted to be in a relationship. Sad that dudes keep breaking my heart. Sad I keep falling for the same okie doke and doing things I know will have an unfavorable outcome. Sad my family has not always made living away easy. All I have been trying to do is get ahead and the main stressor has sometimes been them. I love them though, and I know God is teaching me something from it all.

I want to stop complaining.

I also ran into 4 other people I knew in one day from grade school. One even from elementary school. One of which was my high school English teacher. It was in her class from one of her prompts that I put on paper for the first time the struggles I had with my mother and how I struggled with not feeling seen sometimes since we have different phenotypes. I needed a strong Black woman in the household reminding my of how beautiful my hair was and how beautiful it was to be a Black woman specifically, and I don’t think I was quite getting that. Anyway, I remained her she was like royalty to me and I thanked her for everything she taught me. Yall have her to thank partially for this blog since she honed my skill for and love of writing.

I’ve been thinking…I hope ya’ll know I know that I’m not a perfect Christian and that I want to represent Jesus better. I have to get better at that…

I didn’t finish all that I wanted to for work, but I’m dedicating myself to get back on track. Year ain’t over yet…

Yall be blessed…



[humansun]

SUCCESSFUL BRAIN DRAIN!

Written Friday, August 11th, 2023 at 4:23AM

Good morning! Hello brain drain. I have plenty to write about today.

A few thoughts are:

Tanya + another aunt’s birthday is coming up, sweet!

There’s a million things running through my mind this morning

How do humans handle having so much stimuli in their life and head?

I was just thinking of something but it left me

Oh yeah sleeping an adequate amount of time every night actually affects my day and mood completely

Getting out of bullet points for a second to retrieve myself. I had an ample amount of sleep last night and I feel for the most part, very recovered from an exhausting day yesterday. Working out on less than 6 hours of sleep does not work for me and I have to accept that if I sleep late, I won’t be working out at 5am, because I won’t even put in my best for the workout. Plus, I’m lucky enough to have Fuzzy’s place as a backup gym!

Some thoughts that came into my mind this morning and crystallized in my mind was whether I genuinely like the person my partner is. The answer after all that thinking is yes, because he is a kind, integrity-based, and considerate human being, that cares about me and the people around him. 

As for the other traits that I’m not the hugest fan about - him sometimes being on his phone for long periods of time, his downtime is watching TV, his mealtimes are watching TV, he doesn’t really enjoy going to museums as much as I do, and he’s a super duper homebody. There are pros and cons to all of these traits like I get to be the person who travels while he holds down the house or something, but at the same time it would be nice to be with someone who’s on the same page about deep convos, living life relentlessly, etc.

However, I also recognize that he’s a Ravenclaw, and for that I am grateful. There are many traits he has that I don’t have, and the love he gives me is beyond what I could ever ask any human being for. I am hoping we grow together and build a world that makes us both happy and excited to continue to live and be great humans!

These mosquito bites and/or eczema are killing me! I don’t have enough self-control to not scratch. Anyways, that’s a little bit of what I was thinking about lately. Oh! I had LinkedIn Learning for the past month and didn’t use it except for 1 ⅓ of courses and now I am regretting my time not using it, since there was a lot of free information in there that would cost me $20 a month.

I guess it’s not the end of the world to pay $20 for usable knowledge, but it’s okay because I can potentially finesse to get that education somewhere else! I also am so proud that I’m now spreading my awareness of high-yields savings accounts with my friends and family. Let’s go! Let’s grow our moneys!

I’m really grateful I get to spend time with people that I love whether in the household, in my workplace, in my daily life, etc. I’m determined to continue to find ways to make my life sustainable because I deserve to live a colorful life, I do.

Jesus, there were a million and one things I was thinking about but now they all fled my mind. I guess another thing is my creative practice at this moment. It looks like its off as I’m applying to some programs that require written application materials, so I’m only exerting my energy towards that direction adn not necessarily towards storytelling or character building. I’m not going to lie, my life does feel a bit empty not practicing those things and I want to figure out how I can do it a little bit everyday.

Living a logistics filled life honestly feels boring, and I never thought I’d say this after years of doing logistics work in all of my event management jobs. I’m proud to have come this far and I wouldn’t be sure I’d think these thoughts had I not quit my normal 9-5 and questioned my life a little harder. I know I took a leap and it comes with its own challenges, but learning how to invest in myself time and energy wise is something I wouldn’t take back for the world.

At this time, perhaps I’m not the most financially free person in the world, but I’m also deeply aware that I want to live a normal person life and do normal people things like take vacations throughout the year and have trips to look forward to. I’ve never spent more than probably $500 on one person, but I’m learning that there is a gift of giving and surprising someone you love with something they would appreciate immensely.

Speaking of someone that I love, back on the topic of my partner because it’s important. He got a health screening and his health is alright, but I can’t help but think that I want my partner to take care of their own health so it doesn’t become a burden on me. I believe I could be thinking this way because I take my mom to the doctor pretty often and I almost feel like I’m parenting her.

I wouldn’t be parenting my partner, because obviously, he could handle his own doctor’s appointments, but in the case that anything sudden were to happen, I would take the grief and all the hits for another human’s lack of proactivity.

Perhaps its because I know how to take care of myself healthwise that I’m also projecting these feelings onto my partner. But - at the same time, my partner could also say the exact same about me and where I’m putting my money and how I’m not really working a full-time job, getting health benefits, etc. Thinking about the future is a really tough thing and how its going to pan out, but I’m hoping things continue to change in a way that is amazing and difficult and growth-oriented!

There were two things that were sitting in my mind yesterday that I wanted to massage out. The first one I’d say is how being grateful for people, even if what they do isn’t the greatest thing (to a certain extent, this thought) can be helpful. For example, my grandma’s crappy behavior may fuel a plotline in my story. Of course, I’m never grateful for the trauma we experience at all. But, I realized that all stories and characters experience conflict, and that conflict is usually inspired by our lives. It’s really interesting realizing that because it’s a very zoomed in thought.

Another thing, I was thinking about how there really is no way I can’t get to where I want to be when I’m this young, determined, excited, and pumped about what is to come in the future. There is no way I can’t. Especially if I keep trying. If I keep trying, then people will know about me, my path, and who I am. Even if I tried and things never worked out, something would eventually work out, even if it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.

Like, I realized that I doubt myself alot and my work ethic and who I am. Like I think people hate me or dislike me, but I realized that a lot of people think I’m a cool cat and want to spend more time with me (although I don’t allow it because I’m busy and have a bajillion things to do). Realizing this gave me the confidence at least for yesterday to keep moving through and knowing that at some point all of this would pay off. Like there would be fruit to my labor. And I’m not super confident that I have faith, but I’m confident based on my experience, who I am, what I do to make people feel what they feel, etc.

I have a huge desire to use my Knott’s season pass like crazy right now. I think because when Fall and Winter come, it’ll cool down, and I’ll be able to go as often without worrying about the heat, and also to get our money’s worth! For some reason, I feel like we didn’t go that much this year and that bothers me. Why did they put time restrictions and meal limits to the season pass meal options? Why! It would be such a steal to come in and out without buying any food for a whole year - I could just sit there and do my work while eating some good junk!

Calorie deficit update - dude. The weight fluctuation is insane. Maybe 1270 or whatever the number is supposed to be is way too crazy for me. I still was able to weigh 129 about two times this week, which is surely a good sign. But I’m not entirely sure about how the progress will pan out for the rest of this month. Regardless, I’m proud of myself and think I’ve come very far since starting! Hopefully, I don’t burn out later.

Mom. She’s doing good. There is no point in my life that I am not grateful for her. Even if I’m mad, crying, or frustrated, I still feel grateful or her and I love her very, very much. Grandma is a different story but I still love her. It’s a lot of weight I’m holding, but I am happy to help as much as I can, even if I get mad.

The Artist’s Way is a next level book. It’s like reading a introductory wall text in an art museum that I’ve been waiting to go to for a long time. And I’m finally here, and I’m savoring every word. I think I could feel the intentionality that went behind this book and I feel that if there is a significant amount of intention behind any creative project, that viewers and people will recognize and relate to that intention. Jeez, finding intention behind all of my own projects is difficult. Even formatting a screenplay without the appropriate tools is hard too.

At the end of the day, I still feel like I’m at the very beginning of perfecting my craft and I’m okay with that. I think I’m okay because I got started and starting on anything is better than not starting at all. I’m curious to know if I could shoot something next week. That would be really fun! It’s really easy for me to get distracted when I type on the laptop, but I think using a bit of mindfulness and discipline will make it work.

Last thing, (wow, morning pages really work. I just want to keep writing because I keep thinking about things!) mindfulness was another thing that was sitting in my mind that I really am grateful for. Mindfulness keeps me grateful, in control, happy, content, etc in my life and without it, I think we would all go a little crazy. To spend more of my life being mindful means I will be living a more rich and happy life. Wow, so many things I wrote about today and I finally let out my brain drain. That was fun and I’m definitely coming back for more! 

P.S. Waking up at 4am is incredible because of the silence in the house and I highly recommend it to myself and others. 

[ptergwen]

maybe something where peter parker and reader are sleeping over at mays and they have a deep convo about their future and what they live about one another <333

now and forever

warnings: teeny tiny bit of suggestiveness

a/n: i’m literally in shambles wtf :,( i adore this concept ahh thank you so much lovely

-

you’re laid in peter’s lap, your head resting on his thigh. peter is stroking your locks gingerly while he stares up at the ceiling and you at him. something is on his mind, you can tell. his jaw is clenched, lips are pursed. he’s hardly spoken a word since you two turned in to his room for the night.

may sent you off with a playful remark about there being no funny business. she was gracious enough to let you stay over, proving to be the cool aunt she constantly claims she is.

wondering what’s got your boyfriend so distracted, you poke a finger against his bare chest. peter’s lips stretch into a smile as he tilts his head down to lock eyes with you.

“whatcha thinking about, pete?“ you question, your finger now tracing along his collarbone. “anything you’d like to share with the class?”

the question earns a breathy laugh from peter. he cradles the back of your head with his palm, just silently appreciating the sight of you.

you wear an oversized t-shirt and an old pair of peter’s boxers. peter went shirtless and threw on some flannel bottoms, his natural curls springing up in every direction.

the domesticity of being snuggled in his bed like this, how completely yourselves you two are around each other has had peter picturing the rest of your lives together.

“you, actually. i’m thinking about you,” peter admits, voice low.

your curiosity piqued, you lift your head from his lap with a toothy grin. you sit up and swing your legs around peter’s waist. he holds you by your hips, using the position to draw you closer.

“interesting. what about me?” you muse. “how much i love you,” peter instantly answers, a smirk crossing his features. “and what i love about you.”

you let your arms wind around his neck, a hand tangling into some curls at the back.

“feel free to elaborate on that.”

peter pretends to ponder your offer for a moment.

“uh, let’s see,” he begins, mentally running through the list.

his grip on your hips becomes firmer, words more serious.

“i love that you can make anyone smile… i’m not sure what it is.” peter promptly sports a smile of his own. “it’s like, you just manage to brighten every day. no matter how dark it gets.”

you’re touched by his words. you honestly weren’t expecting him to say all that. although, peter is a huge softie.

“aw, pete,” you murmur, thumb brushing over his skin. “no way. thank you, baby.”

peter gives you a tender peck on your lips, then looks you up and down with heart eyes.

“of course, sweetheart.”

your hands now grabbing at peter’s broad shoulders, you beam.

“ok, my turn,” you decide. “wanna know what i love about you?” peter cocks his head to the side. “go for it.”

you hum.

“how much love you have,” you simply state. “how devoted you are to everyone and everything, and that you genuinely care.”

playfully, you roll your eyes.

“even about those who don’t deserve it.”

peter chuckles in disbelief, his gaze on you somehow filled with more adoration than it was before. the intensity of it causes your stomach to do summersaults.

“i know we’re still kids ourselves, but it…” you scrunch your nose. “it’s why i think you’d be the most incredible dad someday.”

shaking his head, peter finds both your hands and takes them in his.

“no, no. i’ve thought about that, too,” he reassures you. “starting a family with you, i mean. it’s always on my mind.”

peter intertwines each of your pinkies. he leans his forehead against yours, speaking no louder than a whisper.

“it’s you, y/n. you’re the one, now and forever.“

you exhale, biting on your lip to suppress another smile.

“i’m ridiculously in love with you, peter parker.”

he presses a kiss to your connected fingers.

“the feeling’s mutual, sweets.”

[dangermousie]

This is an amazing scene; it’s probably less eye-poppingly swoony than the medicine applying scene that comes shortly after and is a sensual dream, but I think it says so much about who Xiao Qi is as a person that I can’t!

We see him blame himself for her injuries (because his enemies only wanted her because of him) and you know - such a contrast to almost every other man in this drama who always finds someone or something else to blame for their actions and inactions, let alone others’ reactions to them.

No wonder he falls in love btw - she is stunningly beautiful, his lawful wife, brave and smart and cool under pressure, did her best to save him, and is now hurt because of him. The combination of admiration, attraction and pity is irresistible to anyone.

But also, you know what strikes me so much in their convo? He apologizes but then he says something like “If you want, I will do everything to make up for my fault” and I go rabid for that phrasing! Because it is her choice - her choice to let him make it up to her or not. He understands that it’s not about him, not about making him feel better. It’s about what she wants because if she doesn’t want it, it’s not expiation, is it? It’s just making yourself feel better.

Throughout all of this, he is offering her choices - if you want you can stay here and I will show you why I love these lands, if you want to never see me, I will send you to the capital. Awu has been deprived of choice - by her father and aunt marrying her off to whoever they want, by her uncle using her in his manipulations, by Zitan who refused to support her and her brother who was unable to, just recently by Helan Zhen who deprived her of a choice on the most basic level by making her a hostage. And here Xiao Qi is showing her choices and she finally has some; she is no longer bound by blood or duty or manipulative blackmail or force, she is no longer an object but a verb.

Think about it - she turns away and so he walks out, he does not try to convince her. But when she takes the first step by asking a question, look how quickly and eagerly he comes back, look how he sits on her bed (as opposed to standing a distance away.) He’s eager to build something with her, but he won’t push.

It’s the same even with the medicine scene - he tries to feed her, she wants to do it herself and he lets her have the bowl until it’s clear she can’t manage and then he takes it to feed her.

Also, the tenderness AAAAAA!

[theangelofangst]

Oscar & Ozpin’s connection

While I’m thinking about my bois as I often do. I thought since I made one for Oz and his connection to Oscar that I would go ahead and make a post about Oscar and his connection to Ozpin

I explained that Ozpin from the beginning has always cared about Oscar, whether you see that care in a fatherly way (like myself) or not is up to you. But the root of that post is that Ozpin does care about Oscar and shows it as often as he can.

Now Oscar on the other hand is far different when it comes to how he feels and how he feels about the connection they share.

It’s not surprise that Oscar naturally wants nothing to do with Oz, even when they leave his aunts farm (like Miles said they apparently had a lot of convos that we never got to see during Vol 4) and start to form a semblance of a bond you can tell that Oscar is not 100% in it, and naturally so, he never asked for this, but he also knows he doesn’t have a choice so he goes, and does even though he’s reluctant.

There are many fans of the show that say Oscar hates Ozpin and most of their time their evidence is from this moment in volume 6

and While I can totally get why others would come to that conclusion I don’t really agree with that either. If you see, Oscar say “I hate him, I want this to stop!” No, Oscar is voicing his grievance on the situation, he doesn’t hate Oz, he hates the situation that’s he’s in, he hates that he doesn’t have a say in how he loves his life now, he hates how he doesn’t have a choice anymore.

You guys remember the term

“there is a fine line between love and hate”?

Well for this instance and for Oscar I think the term

“there’s a fine line between bitterness and hate.”

fits more

Oscar doesn’t hate Ozpin, in fact I dare to say that Oscar doesn’t have the ability to actually hate anyone, the ability to just be unable to hate someone even when they’ve hurt you.

Like when James shot Oscar off the cliff, no where was there any instance or inclining of Oscar hating James, just Oscar’s own self deprecation and self disappointment.

So I genuinely don’t think Oscar hates Ozpin, but he is very bitter towards him

We know from this moment alone plus others that Oscar is indeed bitter but also in a strange way he’s also not towards Ozpin directly, if that makes sense.

Again he’s bitter at the situation, knowing Ozpin is back is only reminding him that the merge is still happening and he’s rightfully terrified. And the only reason why Oscar is actually. He’s angry, which is in his right, he has every right to feel this way.

But the angry and fear is towards the situation, of his life no longer being his own, and it’s just far easier to blame it all on Ozpin then towards a situation he knows he can’t control, even though that’s really where the fear and anger is directed towards.

And one of my many favorite moments of Oscar showing that he doesn’t actually hate Ozpin or even Ozma is Oscar’s reaction during the moments we saw him when Jinn tells the Lost Fable.

Oscar reaches out to Ozma when he collapses as though he has this natural instinct that kicked in and he wants to help even though he knows it’s merely a moment that’s already happening and when Ozma gets reincarnated into Ozma 2.0 Oscar gives him this look of sympathetic understanding.

Oscar is a very understanding boy, he tries to be there as often as he can for others while never focusing on himself too much. So the bitterness is there and rightfully so but what so amazing to me thing is that bitterness slowly fades away during the coarse of Volume 8

During the coarse of their capture Oscar is connecting with Oz in a way we don’t get to see for the most part but are able to connect the dots regardless.

But he’s depending on Oz now, bonding with him and even telling fairytales with him. Being tortured and away from his friends has since given Oscar perspective on Ozpin, he’d able to understand him more then he’s ever been before and likely finds genuine comfort that Ozpin is there for him, realizing the words that the God of Light said

“in a manner that ensures you are never alone.”

And appreciating those words that much more, to the point where he’s so understanding of Ozpin that he defends him towards Jaune and Yang

Because he finally gets it, understands Oz and is finally in sync with him after so long of being against him and bitter.

That doesn’t mean he still can’t feel bitter of their situation, and fearful of the merge but he’s aware that it’s not all Ozpin’s and even Ozma’s fault

Which makes this moment

A joy to see.

Ozpin thanking Oscar, grateful that he’s in his corner even though he believes he doesn’t deserve it. And Oscar gently smiling at Ozpin, happy to be there in Oz’s corner after all they both had been through recently

They’re relationship is complex. But they are growing, and the best part they are growing together and working together, and the care and respect is there in those small instances especially with Oz towards Oscar, and I’m excited and hoping to see more of them.

Once more tagging my friends because are we surprised at this point? 😆

@starlightshadowsworld @blackfliesinbluesugar @maripr @hyperfixation-hideout @the-wonderful-imp-of-ozcar @bowl-of-shortness @green-like-pine-trees @collectingsparechangemadeeasy1