#i feel like I've spent the last 3 years recharging but it didn't do anything

[notreblogs]

Pat needs to stop overthinking about someone else's conflicts and realize that some people go through shit differently and just because they chose that solution it doesn't mean it will work for pat, let alone be the solution.

[vegasicilia]

My bad, I forgot I had autism.

So, big f*cking week at work. Very f**king big week. I crushed it. I rose to the opportunity and finished better than anyone thought a project of mine at work. Boss huged me. Parents said they were proud. My LinkedIn was soaring. I was happy. I'm still happy.

I spent a whole week being more social, more hyperactive, more organized and more talkative than ever. I met people after people and made small talk. I f*cking orchestrated, directed and executed an event I had been planning for since May. Working 13 hours a day for 3 days. I FREAKING KILLED IT. All while going to the gym, keeping my diet in check and taking care of myself (bedroom clean, teeth brushed, nails clean, beard shaven).

Side note, for you my readers (is anyone reading this?). There's a thing I haven't told you officially, my dear Tumblr blog, and that is that I have a big fat autistic brain with ADHD sprinkles on top. And since I didn't know about any of this since I was 20, years have passed and my subconscious stil thinks I don't have autism and ADHD and that I can just function as a normal human being.

Back to the main story, an hour after the event was done and everyone was going home, it hit me. Like a train. My regular delusion that I can be a normal person for extended periods of time came to an end faster than I can say "autism". Like a freaking tsunami had reached my shore, I broke down at a friends house and slept for 12h straight. My brain had had enough. Dopamine wasn't flowing. Adrenaline rush was gone. My frontal cortex announced early retirement as I said goodbye to the few people who stayed until the very end.

I was down on my friends's sofa for about half a day. I thought that would be it, that I would get home and go to work the next day and everything would be fine. But it was not. I've spent the last few days as a zombie, walking around the office as if anything around me had anything to do with me. I came home at the end of my 9 to 5 to have dinner at 7 and be in bed by 8-9 every day. I stopped going to the gym, I couldn't care less about my diet and my skincare has stopped. And I can't do anything about it. I just don't care. I can't make myself care.

I have to stand aside as my brain repeats the cycle again: work hard & play hard until you can't take it anymore. And it's not something I can't really control. My roomates don't understand why I'm home so much and I'm not out and about all day like always. My friends reach out to hang but I just wanna wear my new pajamas and watch the new Doctor Who special (it was awesome btw, love you David Tennant)

I need recharging, but it feels like the world is made only for Duracell AA batteries I'm a potato in salt water trying to power a Tesla in the highway.

[the-yearning-astronaut]

As this internship is winding down and with my dad down here to visit and help me get my stuff home I'm noticing something about myself that I don't....think I like.

I haven't gotten rude exactly. But I've got absolutely no patience for a lot of things anymore.

And I don't know if it's because:

I've been working with the public for three months answering the same 5 questions on repeat that can easily be answered if they bothered to open the map we give them

I went from 2 years of very minimal face to face interactions to a full time workshift, most of which is spent answering the above questions

I've had a taste of independence again where I've lived somewhere not with my parents for the first time in 8 years

I'm tired and burnt out and haven't been able to properly recharge in 3 months

I sleep on a very shitty XL Twin spring mattress that has my body hurting so bad the last few weeks

Or a (likely) combination of all the above

Whatever it is... I don't like it. But it's made me realize that in regards to work:

Maybe a job with the NPS isn't for me. Especially since another interpretation position would be repeating the same easy to find information for 6 months instead of just 3. And I want to be talking more about science and doing less trip planning for others that didn't bother to do it themselves

As much as I love it in areas like this and I love the idea of traveling and living in a different National Park every 6 months....I miss my own bed and I desperately miss my cat. And yeah, some of the other creature comforts too. Like a Starbucks chai. I REALLY want a sbux chai...

And with my parents:

Until I can move out I need to set clearer boundaries with them. And I don't know how to do that. Because as much as they drive me nuts, I love them. And I know saying "I don't want to hear every one of the complaints you have about the day" or "I'm not my parents' keeper" or anything like that will cause some serious hurt feelings no matter how gently I phrase jt

And I know their feelings aren't my responsibility but they sure have made it feel like they are

And making things tense at home isn't going to be bearable because as of right now I literally have nowhere else to go. Because even if I manage to get a "well paying" part time job I still won't be making enough to move out. And I don't have anyone I can move in with and the likelihood of landing a full time job feels... Very unlikely. Tho I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

So idk maybe I am being rude. Or maybe I'm not. I definitely feel mean tho and I really don't like that and idk how to fix it but I feel like I'm going to go a bit crazy any time now.