#i fear this exam may be the end of me BUT AT LEAST I HAVE NAGUZUKI

[eulaties]

For you bestie 🥰🥰

GIVING ME THE MOTIVATION TO KEEP GOING IKTR ‼️☝️

[mari-positas]

dear ash readers

(if you are still out there)

i have been wanting to say this for a while now.

i posted a safe haven two years ago within the first couple months of me joining the ppcu fandom. it's been probably over 8 or 9 months since the last chapter was posted and despite having the ending planned out and a lot written, part of me cannot get over the hump i have been stuck on for this story.

i have been toying around with the idea of rewriting the series for a few weeks now, and there is a little part of me that does not want to do it out of fear of letting anyone who has been waiting for an update down. not gonna lie, it's also a bit daunting taking a masterlist that has over 4k notes down and starting from zero, but at the end of the day, it isn't about the notes. it's about doing what makes me happy, and also what feels right.

starting a safe haven over feels right.

i have grown so much as a writer. i know that i can take peach and joel's story and make so much better. i know i am no shakespeare by any means and i never will be, but my skill has improved a bit since i first started posting this series, or fan fiction in general.

i will be taking the masterlist down soon. starting the first week of may after final exams, i will have of spare time all summer up until the first week of september. the goal is to update consistently all summer long and finish the series at least before the year is over.

i think doing this would bring me a lot of joy, and after what's been happening in the fandom over the past year and a half, lord knows i need to find that happiness again.

everyone has been nothing but kind to me about this series from the very beginning. every anon i get, every comment and reblog. no one has ever pushed me for updates in a rude manner, or made me feel like i'm too slow and for that, i am forever grateful. seriously, if only you knew just how full my heart feels whenever i get an ask about ash.

i really hope to fall in love with their story all over again, and i also hope others do too.

[sugoi-and-spice]

Chapter Thirty-Three - Opia

Summary: Tomura Shigaraki was her dad’s boss’s son. He was the creep that stole girls’ underwear and tried to grope her in his room. But it’s not like he could get her Dad fired just because she wouldn’t sleep with him, right? …right?

CW: Quirkless!AU, Explicit Smut, Dub-Con, Coercion, Blackmail, Cheating, Sexual Guilt, Humiliation, Unhealthy Relationships, Power Play, Hate to Love, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Slow Burn, Racism, Suicidal Ideation, Psychiatric Wards, Forcible Sedation, Depiction of a Suicide Attempt

A/N: Mean't to get this out on Shigaraki's birthday proper, but oh well! Hope you all enjoy this chapter! I have a feeling you will xD

Read Full on AO3

[excerpt]

Well that was a shit show.

Two shit shows actually, she thought as she locked up the empty pool deck, and she couldn’t figure out which was more pathetic. Her disastrous attempt at reconciliation with Shigaraki, or that sorry excuse for a swim practice she’d used to try and get over it.

It’s not like it was even a high stakes practice. Yes, they were fully back from winter break now and gearing up for prefectural and championship qualifying meets, but the time now was being focused on cleaning up fundamentals and technique, rather than locking any specific rosters. Times were not make or break at this point.

And yet, somehow, she managed to seriously break.

Subpar times, late entries, jesus, she even missed touching the wall on one of her turnarounds — complete amateur hour. And she knew everybody noticed, how could they not?

At least they were polite about it though. Nobody giggled or whispered to themselves or made snide comments to her. They were still her friends after all (for now). But also, at this point in the year, they just assumed it was the typical senior fears and pressures getting to her. College recruiters, finals, entrance exams, what she was going to do with her life — things a lot of them were just as freaked by. So they didn’t feel the need to ask if something else was going on, sparing her that obnoxious little dialogue tree of:

“Hey are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You seem pretty out of it. Do you need to talk about something?”

“No really, I just have a lot on my mind and blah blah blah…

No, everyone had made their assumptions already, picked up on her wound-tight and, frankly, sour disposition, and figured she probably didn’t want to talk about it.

And they’d be right.

Because what could they possibly say to encourage her in this situation? Hell, what could she even say about this situation? They didn’t know what was going on with her and Shigaraki, and she certainly couldn’t explain it. 

“My kind-of-but-not-really-reformed-emotional-and-sexual-extorter, who I have the most inexplicable feelings for, is lashing out at me. I think our not-relationship is on the brink of ruin, and I don’t know how to fix it. What do you think, Nejire?”

Yeah, no. That was so beyond any teenage friend’s paygrade. 

Actually, it may be above anyone’s paygrade that didn’t hold a Psy.D…

She should’ve listened to Kurogiri and just given Shigaraki some space. Maybe if she did that now, let him cool down and come to her, this situation might be salvageable.

And yet, she couldn’t stop the anxiety from flooding her brain as she made her way to the school gate. She’d volunteered to stay late and oversee cleanup and locking the pool today. She’d figured that she could use the time to try and distract herself. 

For all the good that did. She was just as preoccupied as during practice. She ended up re-organizing the pull floats in the storage room three different times because her mind just couldn’t figure out how to make them all fit — despite having done this for three years now. She just couldn’t focus on anything other than the panic and what-if’s bombarding her.

What if Shigaraki interpreted her giving him space as her giving up on him? Of not caring? He was a persistent son of a bitch when the tables were turned, so maybe he needed her to be the same. God, but what if that made things worse?! It already had this last time. What if she completely ruined things by pushing? What if she ruined things more by backing off?

Maybe she was just doomed to ruin things no matter what.

She came to a stop just outside the school, all of her swirling thoughts and pressures dizzying and weighing her down. She groaned at the physical hopelessness of it all, “This is impossible…”

“What is?”

She jumped at the unexpected, but familiar monotone — not expecting anyone to still be on campus. Or at least, not anyone that would be paying attention to her acts of despair. But when she turned to the voice, she was even more surprised to see a very distinct head of hair waiting just a few feet away.

Continue on AO3

[kasagia]

Can you give us a little sneak peak for the next part

My twodear anonymous and @hanadays1234, thank you so much! 😊🖤🩵

Yes, I can. And since I wrote all my exams, I only focus on writing. 🖤🩵🖤🩵🖤🩵🖤🩵

Nope 🤭🙈 🩵🖤🖤🩵

24.05 Friday or 27.05 Monday. (I have nothing written except what I will give you right now)

Also, who binge watched Bridgerton season 3 and now get inspiration for the new series (for Feyd, I showed you once) instead on focus on the Right Hand? 🤡🙈

Anyway... sneak peak:

Feyd rarely felt pain he didn't like. The years spent on Giedi Prime—or rather, years of enduring his uncle's methods of making him a true Harkonnen, his worthy successor—made Feyd love pain. He found pleasure in it—something he had to learn if he wanted to survive.

But it didn't bring him any satisfaction or pleasure when you pierced his chest with one of his swords. He feels pure pain. Anger, betrayal, and hurt.

He hates the way he falls limply to his knees in front of you. He hates that he still looks at you like you're a saint. He hates that he hopes you'll at least look him in the eyes, as if that would bring him some kind of salvation. He hates how lost he feels now and how he's slowly losing awareness of his surroundings. He hates that even though you stabbed him, all he can do is stare at you, clinging to the sight of you more than to his life.

"This will be the beginning of a wonderful alliance, Lady Y/N."

He feels you unhook your poisoned dagger from his arm. Feyd thinks you're doing it to finish him off. Poetically kill him with the weapon he gave you. He closes his eyes and waits for the final stab or throat slit. But nothing like that happens. He doesn't have the strength to turn around and see exactly what you're doing, but your words alone are enough for him to imagine the scene that is happening behind him.

"I may not be a Harkonnen, but I've picked up a few of their habits. If you want an agreement between us, show me your hand." After your words, he can hear a hiss from Atreides when you plunge the dagger into your joined hands, piercing them both through.

Feyd would have laughed mockingly if he hadn't spent all his energy on breathing slowly. He remembered explaining to you how contracts, such as arranged marriages, were sealed on Giedi Prime. The Harkonnens shook hands and pierced them with swords, thus signing a blood pact. This also applied to marriages and other such things. Blood bound them stronger than any words or signatures on paper. He cursed himself for the fact that, seeing your scared face at his words, he withdrew from this idea and decided to make a verbal agreement between you. He should be the one to bind you with his blood, not Atreides.

The steel in his body rubs against his lower ribs, but it does not damage any major organs. He tries to keep the sword in the exact same position you stuck it in, but he feels like he's going to faint from all the pain, the blood, and the fear for you that he feels now.

You made him so weak that even after you stabbed him, all he could think about was your safety and your well-being. Every shaky breath he took, every slow beat of his heart as he fought to stay conscious—it was all for you.

He just hoped like hell that you weren't lying a few moments ago, that this would all turn out to be just one of your games, and that you would soon end Atreides' life. But it's not like that.

"Let this blood be a symbol of our union." Your sweet, dangerous whisper reaches Feyd's ears.

He's raging with powerlessness and anger. That Atreides dog didn't deserve to mix his blood with yours. Only Feyd should be able to do this. Only his black blood should merge with your crimson, staining your joined hands as you swore allegiance to each other. His heart hurts more than the wound you gave him as he imagine how you and this desert rat are now echanging each other's blood.

If he hadn't been placed in such a vulnerable state by you, he would have ripped Atreides' heart out with his bare hands for daring to mix his blood with yours. A cold shiver runs down his spine at the thought of Atreides connecting with you in yet another way. A way Feyd was robbed too many times.

He tries to get up, but he doesn't have enough strength. All he can do is place his hands on the floor, trying to take the weight off his torso. The blade scratching his flesh bothers him much less than the fact that Atreides has the nerve to touch you or that you're blatantly ignoring him while playing whatever game you're playing right now.

"Leave him to me. I want… to repay him for all these years of fulfilling his wishes."

(...)

[battelcry]

I just love the fact that regardless of how bad, insufficient and inconsiderate we feel in matters of devotion and worshipping, the gods still show up and aid us in times where we need it the most. Today I was almost late for my Epic Poetry exam and unspeakably terrified about it (Since it takes a bit too much for me to go to school for living in a rather rural neighbourhood, It would be all in vain). I was very unfortunate for having missed the train and had to wait for another 15 minutes for the other one to arrive when I barely had 40 minutes left for the exam! While trembling in fear and desperation I prayed to Hermes for not being late for the exam. At that moment it was showing 8 minutes as the estimated arrival time of the train but may Hermes himself kick me with his sandals If I'm lying but with the blink of an eye it became 6 minutes and within half a minute, 4! The train came pretty quickly and it takes AT LEAST half an hour for me to get to my school from there. But this time it took 25 minutes only.. And somehow I got told our professor was going to be late too! I safely arrived at school, took my exam, it was pretty good. All thanks to him, our beloved guide and luck-bringer.. Today was full of blessings, I thank to Hermes again. He surely deserves an epithet like 'Maker of Ways, Way-maker' because there's simply no conflict he can't bring an end to, no problem he can't fix and no hardships he can't bring ease. He clears maybe not the way itself but he surely clears the eyes that is too blurry to see the clarity of the roads we are too afraid to take a step. Praise be him.

[aliceinborderlandsquidgame]

"Baby Yandere" | AIB + SQ x GN!Reader |

Baby Yandere: A character who is too innocent to notice their actions are bad. Who believes they are doing the best for their S/O even if they hurt them. By me.

Summary: Various AIB + Squid Game characters x Reader - Yandere Themes - Stalking - Obsession -

♤ Arisu

Arisu its Smart at games. And even a bit in social circles. However he cant tell when his actions have crossed a line. Its not like he cant tell what its morally fine and wrong. No, he can. Its when it comes to you, the lines blends and ends being all blurry, he cant tell what he is doing.

It may start safe enough. With just the right amount of "What did I just do" till his brain tells him its fine. Because its for you.

At the Borderlands he would protect you from everything and everyone. He never thought on using someone to save you. In fact till he met you, he did try to save as much people as he could. After some down and terrible games and you being his only light and hope he started to care less and less for others and only thinks about you.

He may not be a fighter but he has no fear on getting beating up for you.

And also, has no fear or sense of remorse in case he needs to use someone during the games to save you. Its all fair because he wants you to survive and himself.

Maybe the line blends more when its the closest ones he is ready to leave for you. If you two met before his Friends died and somehow the four of you ends in a game together with other players...well Arisu may get the idea of using even his Friends if thats going to secure your win.

Non Borderlands Arisu meets you at College, probably. And from that moment he falls hard.

Here his morals will fail him during exams. If he sees you having problems he will try to give you the answer even if that would end with him in trouble.

Getting exams from a professor who trust in himself a lot... honeslty he would totally do it.

At the real world Arisu may not get his hands bloody since there is no danger. Unless you tell him someone has been following you. He may lose himself and beat that person up. If he ever kills someone on accident then he has his father influence to protect him.

♤ Tatta / Borderlands

Tatta its someone who would be totally out of it. And what I mean by this is:

He believes you love him no matter what.

He really cant stand his ground but is willing to get hurt for you.

The emotional distress this causes you, he uses it (without him knowing he is doing it) on his advantage over you.

Tatta its in this case not a Yandere who looks for control over you. At least not in a way that he is aware of it. Tatta stalks you like a lovesick boy around the Beach. Most will find it cute, weird or will ignore it.

He does not want to cause you pain. On the contrary he wishes he could give you safety and protection. However his actions will cause you emotional pain to the point of not knowing if he is even trying to live.

At the end. You would become his guardian. Maybe he was kind to you in the past and now you feel like you are in debt with him for that. It drains your energy making sure he is safe and out of trouble.

Tatta would see this as an act of true love. He would never think you feel in debt with him. And will use this to get closer to you.

○ Gi-hun S1

Season one Gi-hun was never mean to fall for you on the first place.

In games or outside them. Gi-hun was in no position for a relationship in all the ways. He was kind and good heart but he had problems besides gambling and debts.

If he becomes obsess with you its because at first you helped him out. Maybe you gave him some money or showed him some real human action. Its 100% sure he does idealize you to the point of making other concern for you when they hear how he talks about you.

Gi-hun would totally get himself drunk only to use it as an excuse to call you for help and crash at your place.

He makes you get worried over him when he shows up with his face all hurt from the loan sharks. Sometimes he may do it himself so he can have you close as you nurse him back to health.

He wont ever know how worried you get over him. How anxiety eats you at night. Or how sad you end when he goes off to the games to later never know about him again.

○ Min-su / In game /  S2 pre S3 (no idea whats gonna happen in S3 when writing this).

He is shy by nature and insecure. Uses you as a protector from others. He will stick to you like a shadow no matter the time or whats going on.

Min-su its the type of Yandere who also idiolizes you. Even if they show how you ended in debt he will look pass it.

Its someone who does not know he is hurting you. Yes he basically hides with you and uses you when someone bullies him. But thats alright, you are his protector after all, its your work to do it.

He is obessive during games. Trying for the best outcome for him and for you. But he is not shy from betraying you, hoping you will make it out somehow. He has you so high that believes you can walk out from any situation.

Maybe the worse its how he after that goes back to be with you. Breathing down on your neck, trailing behind you. He never says "sorry" for what he did. Or how he acts. He just...well follows you.

○ OC/Random Guard

Probably a circle guard who thinks they can protect you by giving you Hints for the games.

Even if you end being punish for it, the guard wont ever consider it their fault. It was you who did not hide the note well!!

Maybe a Triangle guard who does not care for their methods. If they need to punish you, they do it.

Its an obsession with a lot of a sadistic side on their part. Even if they know you from outside the games, chances are they were always like this.

A Obsessive freak who enjoys themselfs in hurting you. Knowing they are part of you life by this. At least a fraction of you belongs to them.

[martialartslover7]

Anko awakens her Snake Sage Mode

Ever since Sasuke's departure from the village, one year had long since passed. And the former Anbu member, Anko Mitarashi, has ventured into the mountains to reach the feared and infamous Ryūchi Caves. Completely on her own, needing to complete her training, as she planned on unlocking the Snake Sage mode. On her own volition.

This decision came with many contributing factors.

For one, she blamed herself for Sasuke leaving in the first place, because she knew how her former teacher, Orochimaru, ticked. She knew him, almost TOO well. The warning signs were all over, especially after Itachi's return into his younger brother's life, and now, she bore the guilt of feeling as if she didn't do enough to help. Made even worse by how attached she has grown to the young Uchiha, especially during his rehab after the first rounds of the Chunin exams, while training with him, with Kakashi playing a big, supporting role, while she did her best to keep the Curse Mark in-check, even with the applied seal. Making her feel like she hadn't just lost another loved one, but a part of her soul with him, too. The irony of that last phrase still left her stunned, given how she and Sasuke had shared the exact same Curse Mark. It feels poetic, in a morbid way.

For another, she made a promise to Kakashi. A blood-driven vow, to be exact.

Having worked in the ranks of the Anbu for years, much like him, she is more than aware, of the pure, unfiltered misery of those, that had joined this organization, in hopes of embracing said misery to use it for the greater good... ...or at least, that's what they all told themselves.

In the end, she and the Hatake are one of the same breed: Tormented souls, haunted by the judgmental voices of those, who had wronged them, for things they had no control over.

Essentially, much like Kakashi, at one point, she had also taken a look, at least once, deep into the abyss, and worst of all, being more than aware, of him having not only lost his father to slander and public scrutiny, but also his best friend, the love of his life, and his sensei. And as such, Anko made him a promise, one that shall last for a lifetime:

...She will never leave his side. She will defeat Death himself.

And the only way to keep her end of the bargain, is to attain the Snake Sage mode. Which is exactly why she just arrived at the Ryūchi Caves, to prove herself worthy of such immense power.

Thick fog enveloped her, as she entered the tunnel, her eyes closed, feeling more than ready to outplay Death himself, by "following in her teacher's footsteps", except...

...she is not going to fail.

She thought to herself:

"This is it... If I succeed at the trials given to me, and survive the bite from the Snake Sage, then I should be golden... Heh, I can't fail now, can I? After all..."

She began caressing the Curse Mark on her neck, smirking to herself, by thinking:

"...just this once, my former teacher shall prove himself useful for SOMETHING. His DNA may give me the edge I need, to bust out of this joint with flying colors."

The first trial came up. And normally, Anko would be cracking jokes to ease the tension, but just this once, she couldn't afford to. This will become the ultimate test of all her abilities. And she knew these tasks will be relentless.

She could hear the White Snake Sage talking to her through the fog...

"Are you an intruder...? Or shall you prove yourself worthy of the trials, lying right ahead? One shall test your mind and body, one shall test your mental fortitude, and the last... shall be a test of faith... ...are you up for the challenge?"

This challenge caused the serpent lady to smirk, as she was more than ready. She knew this wasn't going to be a walk through the park, but, she came into this, knowing full well, she may never make it out alive. But the thought of mastering what his own teacher couldn't even accomplish, and returning home, being finally capable of maintaining that promise given to the one man she cherished so deeply...

...it gave her a level of courage she had deemed impossible. In fact, it would seem, Naruto's attitude was starting to rub off on her too, as she cracks her neck, and allows her trenchcoat to fly right behind her, telling the sage:

"...I have never felt readier. I know someone came before me, but unlike that waste of space, I shall ace these trials! Bring it on, ya old hag!"

"Very well. You have been warned..."

And though the fog made it difficult to make out, Anko could definitely sense the chakra signature of one giant serpent approaching. She knew of it, because this was the same snake that Orochimaru once summoned to fight the other Sannin...

...Manda.

The ill-tempered, purple-black serpent approached Anko, sensing his summoning master's chakra signature inside her body, through the Curse Mark.

Needless to say, this battle ended up demanding way more of Anko than she initially bargained for. Manda repeatedly managed to land destructive hits on her with his sturdy form, but thanks to a blood injection that she got provided with by Tsunade, she could heal up immediately, with enough time to spare and put this giant reptile in its place. But it took quite a while, and time and time again, she ended up struggling to gain the upper hand...

...until she grabbed Kakashi's katana, which she had borrowed for this mission, needing something to defend herself. And though he hasn't used this blade in forever, it still did its job quite reliably. It hasn't gotten dull yet. As they fought for what felt like days to her, in the end, by a hair, she managed to land fatal cuts on the snake, forcing it to retreat.

"I am impressed...! You shall have this victory, but rest assured... it won't become any easier from here on... until we meet again...!"

Said Manda, as he retreated back into the tunnels, leaving a badly injured Anko behind, who was covered in bruises all over, her shin protectors being badly damaged and scratched, and her having needed her trenchcoat to create a diversion, leaving her in only her fishnet shirt.

But she was alive. That was one trial down, and two more to go...

As she ventured deeper into the caves, a Genjutsu was being cast by the fog, as she heard all the voices of those she had failed in her lifetime, ranging from Hiruzen, Kakashi, Rin, Sasuke, Naruto, Kurenai and one voice came forth the loudest...

...Orochimaru. Who would taunt her by speaking to her through the fog, his silhouette following her with every step:

"Anko... My poor, dear Anko... You really shouldn't have betrayed me. You were meant for greatness... And now, look at you. You're a shinobi, without purpose. Without goals. Or ambitions. You are living an existence that is not even worth calling a "life". Drinking yourself to sleep, every night, just to silence mine, and the voices of all those kids you had witnessed becoming mutated weapons for my cause... What a shame. You could have become my best asset. I could have given you more power, and now, you are being outdone by an Uchiha... How does that feel to you? Having outlived your uses?"

But Anko's mind was still very much sound. She wasn't ready to give up just yet. In spite of her glaring injuries, and her gradually depleting stamina, she couldn't stop. She had to put an end to her training. This goal was way too tempting for her to reach, nothing else mattered. A special type of feeling, indeed. And as such, her only response to these taunts were:

"Oh, put a sock in it, Orochimaru... You know what sets us apart? ...I didn't sell my soul to the devil, unlike you. You gave up your humanity, knowing full well, that "life means nothing". Then allow me to do the honors for you... I shall become the antithesis to your nonsensical "ideology"... That, for all I care, shall leave an everlasting reminder on your personally carved tombstone, carved by yours truly, that: Abandon your morals, and everything you hold dear, you lose, before the fight even starts. I freed myself... and when the time comes, I will gladly be there, when it means bringing Sasuke back home, where he belongs. And if not that, at least... I will ace this test, unlike you... How about that...?!"

She kept on walking, fearlessly. Bruised, but not beaten.

The next trial tested her intellect. She stopped in front of a stone gate, with diamond shards lying on the ground in front of her. With the gate itself being locked up with a bunch of holes that needed to be filled with the diamond pieces, close to her feet.

Needless to say, despite being more airheaded than most, she was far from braindead, and surprisingly, she aced this test with relative ease compared to most, who came before her. ...Even at the special hurdle, where she realized, she needed to break a few diamonds in half to make the final symbol come together, in pieces. But that ended up proving to be a piece of cake for her.

And then...

...the final test, is standing right before her. She went up the massive stairs in front of her, gulping along the way, sensing a terrifying, oppressive presence, directly ahead. And once she realized who was waiting for her at the top, being met with the appearance of an old, yet giant white serpent, she could not lie...

...this presence truly made her shiver in her boots. She said it:

"This must be the White Snake Sage... I have actually done it..."

But this wasn't the time to be taking a break. The final test shall be the most demanding of them all. And it became clear, once the snake slithered closer, in a very bone-chilling, almost creepy way, speaking to her directly, piercing through her subconscious:

"Well done. I am surprised you made it this far. But unfortunately for you, your trial isn't over just yet. The final hurdle for you to overcome, in order to reach new heights, a new plane of existence... is me."

Anko made it more than clear, she was ready. She came this far, she won't be faltering now. And the saying goes, "never underestimate someone, who has nothing left to lose". That saying always rang true for her and Kakashi, she is doing all this for him.

"I am still in this...! Bring it, I am ready for whatever you got in mind...! Not like anything else is waiting for me back home, this was my best...!"

"Then, let's begin..."

Her giant snake head leaned towards the Anbu member, driving one of its teeth into her body...

...and the very moment that happened, Anko felt herself going insane. The venom potency in that one tooth was so immense, she felt her body getting crushed half to death, like she was in the middle of a balancing act, on a tightrope, while carrying a mountain on her back. Everything was getting downright chaotic now, she lost all sense of time, or spatial awareness, she saw her own body melting, and all of the absolute worst sensations a human body can experience... She felt it all. In just one brief moment, and it felt like forever in its duration. She burned, she froze, she drowned, all those painful ways a person could possibly die, it all came at once...

...her agonizing shrieks filled the tunnels, and in the real world, the white snake was almost ready to consume her completely...

...but then, just when Anko was about to allow the madness to consume her...

...the seal over her Curse Mark busts apart, as this condensed nature chakra began engulfing her, giving her a whole new surge in strength and resilience, she needed to rely on Orochimaru, just this once, no matter how ill it made her feel to her stomach, using this power...

...But she had to, as, in her mind, all she could see were the memories she had made with Rin, Kurenai, Hiruzen, Sasuke, Naruto and most of all...

...Kakashi.

All those people were her lifeline, the true remainder of her body, mind, soul and... her heart. 

She realized, she didn't want to survive.

She wanted to LIVE.

She wants to continue living, for all of them. They are the reason why she is still here.

With tears forming in her eyes, as she allowed the Curse Mark to spread its markings all over her body, she remembered what she had once told Kakashi, not too long after Sasuke left the village:

FLASHBACK

(Image done by wintermaiden11 from DeviantArt)

They were at the riverside in Konoha, as Anko stared into the waters, from the sand back. With Kakashi right next to her, as she tells him, full of sorrow, knowing that Sasuke's departure affected him more than anyone else, and as such, she makes a vow, in that moment:

Anko: "Kakashi... Even with your mask one, I can tell how badly Sasuke's departure is messing with your mind. Don't even start denying it. I am telling you something, I am done. With all of this..."

Kakashi: "What do you mean...?"

Anko stuffs her hands into her trench coats' pockets, looking pretty resigned and exhausted.

Anko: "I am done... living in fear of my own life... Orochimaru is going to destroy Sasuke's life even further, and even if we find him, what good will it do? His ambitions and personal priorities won't change. I am not saying you should give up searching for him, but all I am saying is: Sasuke didn't leave, because he hated you all. On the contrary, he left, because he loved you all. And I bet, after you told him how much you lost yourself, I think it might have driven him even further to become stronger. Even if it meant approaching the wrong people for that. Remember, you're not the only one who knows an Uchiha, I know how they tick..."

Kakashi: "...!"

Anko: "So, no... Waiting for Sasuke is not optimal anymore. For the absolute worst case scenario, we have to prepare ourselves. Whatever my former teacher has in-store for him, it can't be good, and we cannot get a proper read on him, so I say... Let's have some faith in Sasuke that he will make it out of there, relatively unscathed. I believe in him. He is stronger than most people give him credit for."

Then, Kakashi noticed a tear running down Anko's cheek, from the right, and he felt his heart sinking, knowing she is just acting tough like usual, when deep down, she wants to scream in agony over this loss. She truly loved Sasuke, like a little brother that she always wanted to have. And bearing the knowledge, he is now training under the same man to have ruined hers and countless other lives... It truly messed her up.

Kakashi: "Anko..."

His only visible eye closed, as he truly felt her pain, in that moment. He knew how attached Anko had grown to the Uchiha kid, despite their Anbu lifestyle having clearly prohibited this type of personal connection. He jokingly teases her by going:

Kakashi: "Heh... I never would have thought, the day would arrive, when you actually began caring about something way bigger than just dango... ...well, I'll be damned, even I am quite shocked at myself... For years, I had spent burying those feelings deep inside the treasury, but those damned brats left me second-guessing... ...Why does being human have to be so painful...?"

Anko: "I am right with you on that... And that's why..."

She tenderly caresses his right arm with her left hand, which slipped out of her pocket, before allowing to slowly travel down to his right hand...

...as their fingers intertwined, in mutual acknowledgment of their shared grievances with the family they had managed to garner, even with their past still haunting them. And firmly states to Kakashi, with the tears still running down her face:

Anko: "...I shall become that one person, whom you will never have to fear losing in battle, ever again... ...Kakashi."

The Copy Ninja didn't say anything... His silence was more than clear to her: This promise may have reached him.

FLASHBACK ENDS

Feeling a surge of power and confidence overwriting her consciousness, she breaks free of the poison, and just lets the Curse Mark absorb all this power for her, creating a "tunnel" for her body to slowly draw in the essence of the White Snake Sage. Since the mark provided her with the same DNA layer as that of her former sensei, it should be more than enough to make the absorption process a lot more tolerable. And before getting swallowed whole, she uses her strength to lift up her mouth, using the Curse Mark as a stamina booster, and rolling out of her, as she felt the temporary power surge returning to the mark on her neck...

...but the fact of the matter is: She survived the worst of the trials. And deep inside, she got a very warm, tingly feeling. Meaning, the transfusion proved successful.

The White Snake Sage then turned from her snake form, into that of an elderly human lady, smiling at the young woman, who was still kneeling in front of her, stating:

"Impressive... You actually succeeded in all of the given trials, my child. You gazed down into the abyss, and survived. My deepest of respects to you. From now on, you shall bear my power... And I will see to it, that you are going to tame it for your own. What do you have to say to that...?"

Her chest heaving, with her breathing long and heavy, her eyes ended up remaining obscured by her sweat-soaked bangs, but despite this miserable experience, her lips curled into a smirk. As she states:

"I say... That's good... Why, very good, actually... Do you wanna know why...?"

And once she lifted her head, we could clearly see a purple eyeshadow...

...and once she opened her eyes, her irises having gone from brown to golden, only deepening her own smirk, feeling truly accomplished now.

"...I am a proud, sore loser. Thanks for the gift... "grandma".”

Welp, pardon me for being late, but...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANKO!

This one is for you. And at long last, I finally got the time to be writing something epic for her. And here you go, when she goes Snake Sage mode, this is how she looks like. This is my gift to her. A well-deserved power boost.

Also, while writing this story, I was listening to this. It just fit the occasion, and the situation Anko was in. As she fought, not to survive, to keep on living for both the dead, and the living.

[genericruleroftheflies]

I’ve thought about it a little and I think Misaki has OCD. I’m not expert I just have my OCD experience to go off of so maybe I’m projecting but...

Disclaimer: I have gone to therapy for OCD but I’m not a therapist or anything so take what I say with a grain of salt I’m just reading into a fictional character.

To me, Misaki shows some more obvious traits of OCD, aka the kind people are typically familiar with, cleaning and organizing. And while he does the cooking and cleaning as part of his rent to live in Usagi’s house, there’s an extra/mini/preview where before they live together Misaki needs to clean Usagi’s house before he can start to study for his entrance exams. So while I believe Misaki does actually like to cleaning, cook, and organize all are things he does a bit compulsively.

He cannot begin to think about studying until Usagi’s house is clean… and he’s made him food and dessert for the next week!

My point is that this reads as more “obsessively cooks and cleans for comfort when he’s stressed out” rather than just cooks and cleans because it’s covering rent. Also because we know Usagi doesn’t give af about money or Misaki paying rent.

And I think it’s of note that cooking and clean is what Misaki starts to do as a child after his parents die and his brother is work all day every day.

This ties into what I think is another *possible* OCD type or OCD signs that Misaki shows. While I think it’s written like he has misplaced guilt over his parent’s death because he feels like it was his fault… I do think it’s possible those play hand in hand.

Misaki doesn’t want to ever be trouble to anyone or ask for anything, because he fears if he does it could lead to someone being hurt. To me, that kind of sounds like Harm OCD.

But I could understand if someone says it’s more like survivors guilt than OCD.

Harm OCD I believe like many pure O (obsession without physical compulsion) OCD types deals with intrusive thoughts in this case thoughts of harming others.

If I was to describe it in Misaki’s case it wouldn’t be that he would harm others so directly but his thought process is like “if I bother this person with my wants—> they will die” or at the very least “they will be troubled” and that in itself to me is quite an intrusive, OCD thought. (But I myself do not struggle so specifically with harm OCD at least it’s not my main problem… but pure O in general, yes.)

Misaki gets this from the belief that his parents died because he asked them to hurry home.

This not wanting to trouble people is like the main through line of Misaki’s character, in continues throughout the manga.

I would even say his main internal conflict (after initially getting together with Usagi) is between wanting not to trouble people vs being selfish. And it’s wanting to be with Usagi that makes him actually push back on this tendency of his. Tendency… maybe coping mechanism…

(This is when he is telling his brother about Usagi in act 52)

All this to say, Misaki may obsessively cook and clean as well as obsessively avoid doing anything that could cause anyone trouble in an attempt to relieve his intrusive thoughts. In the end, doing stuff like that doesn’t actually help it’s only a temporary coping mechanism to a larger issue so it’s good that Misaki comes to be more selfish in his relationship with Usagi. He can no longer just be avoidant. He must face his fears (exposure therapy anyone?) and see it’s not so bad when he does the thing he fears.

I’d also just like to add this moment where Misaki’s freaking out and then Usagi is like “The new ribbon came for Suzuki” and Misaki is like “you change it then!” But then Misaki goes to change it. I totally read that as Usagi purposefully was like it’s okay babe here’s a little task you can do to calm down (because he smirks after mentioning it). Overall, Usagi is just really good at reading Misaki the more the manga goes on (though he is an idiot sometimes)

I do think one could also touch on sexuality OCD with Misaki but I don’t really want to as I believe the OCD comes from intrusive thoughts, those being thoughts you don’t secretly desire but actually fear and strongly don’t want to happen, so I wouldn’t want to say Misaki has OCD around being gay because by the mid point he is saying “I don’t think we are doing anything to be ashamed of” about him and Usagi. But I would say early on he has some internalized homophobia for sure.

In conclusion, this is a long winded analysis of Misaki maybe having OCD. Hopefully it wasn’t problematic! Again I’m not an expert on any of this it’s only come from what I know about it with my own experiences.

[venactricisfics]

Bucking Tradition: A Yellowstone Fanfic

Chapter Seventeen

I stood next to the vet, bracing myself for the conversation I was about to have with Jimmy. There was no easy way to put it, but as the low man, he wasn’t exactly in a position to argue. And today’s task? Well, it was quite literally a shit job.

Jimmy looked down at the long glove that now covered his entire arm, then at the cow standing patiently in front of him, blissfully unaware of what was coming.

“Go easy,” I advised as he hesitated. “She may not need you to sweet-talk her, but it ain’t exactly fun for her either.”

Jimmy let out a deep sigh, sliding his hand under the cow’s tail with an expression that suggested he was already regretting every decision that had led him to this moment. “Why are we going in this way and not the other?” he asked, his face twisted in uncertainty.

I bit back a laugh. “It’s easier to feel her uterus through the anal wall—it’s pretty thin.”

Jimmy still didn’t look convinced.

“When you get in there, feel around for the uterus. If she’s pregnant, you’ll be able to tell by the swelling. Just don’t squeeze any tighter than you’d want someone squeezing your balls.”

Colby snorted. “That might not be the best analogy, Alex. I think Jimmy might be into pain—man can’t stop getting himself hurt.”

Jimmy shot him a glare. “And why aren’t you doing this?”

I smirked. “Because I did most of the pregnancy checks yesterday.” I crossed my arms, watching as Jimmy grimaced and slowly—very slowly—worked his way in. “Besides, this is a rite of passage. Welcome to cowboy life.”

Jimmy groaned. “Yeah, well, cowboy life fucking stinks.”

Colby chuckled. “Ain’t that the damn truth.”

“You finally got to third base, Jimmy,” Rip teased as Jimmy’s arm slid in, eliciting a chuckle from everyone there. Everyone except Jimmy. 

“How’s he doing down there, sweetheart?” Dad called.

“I think Jimmy might have a new girlfriend,” I called back. “But I think you’re making him nervous.”

“Hey Jimmy,” Kayce called from the end of the line of cows, “don’t worry there’s only about sixty left.”

Jimmy started to retch. “Sixty?”

The laughter died in an instant.

One second, we were all teasing Jimmy as he gagged his way through his new least-favorite ranch task. The next, my dad was on the ground, his face ashen, coughing so hard it rattled in his chest.

"Dad!" My stomach lurched as I rushed to his side, dropping to my knees in the dirt beside him. "Call 911!"

“There’s no time for that,” Kayce said sharply. “Get his vest off.”

Lloyd was already kneeling beside me, helping me work the thick material off my father’s shoulders. His breathing was shallow, and when he coughed again, dark red spattered the dirt.

"Get him into my trailer," the vet ordered. Kayce and Lloyd hauled Dad to his feet, practically carrying him toward the steps of the trailer. The vet cleared off a large exam table—one normally meant for dogs or calves—but today, it would have to do for my father.

“Turn him on his side, so he doesn’t choke on his vomit,” she instructed, glancing at me. “Alex, grab the x-ray machine. I need to see what we’re dealing with.”

I moved on autopilot, wheeling the portable x-ray unit over while Kayce and Lloyd adjusted Dad’s position. My hands trembled as I powered the machine on, but I forced myself to focus. I’d done this dozens of times before—just never on my father.

Dad let out a pained groan. "It's colon cancer," he rasped, trying to wave the vet off.

"If it was colon, you'd be shitting blood, not spitting it up," she shot back. "Now shut up and lay down."

The screen flickered to life, revealing an image that had my stomach twisting.

"All I see is blood," I muttered, my mind a mess of fear and medical knowledge tangled together.

The vet’s finger stabbed at a dark mass on the screen. "It's a ruptured ulcer."

"We need to get him to the hospital," Kayce said immediately.

I shook my head, my pulse hammering in my ears. "It's too much blood… he’ll bleed out before we even get him there."

The vet’s jaw clenched. "I can only give him a local anesthetic and that’s it. I don’t know the algebra to adjust the dosage on the anesthesia without killing him." She scanned the room. "Any of you got medical experience?"

"I was a medic in the Navy," Kayce answered.

She nodded. "Good. Then you're in." Her eyes landed on me next. "I need two people to hold him down. Alex, grab the iodine—pour it on."

My hands shook as I grabbed the bottle. There wasn’t time to hesitate, to process, to let this be the last moment I had with my father. I had to move. I forced my fear down and dumped the liquid over his exposed stomach.

"It's okay, Daddy," I whispered, squeezing his hand as Rip and Lloyd pinned his shoulders.

The vet worked quickly, slicing into the swollen flesh with steady hands. Blood welled up instantly, but Kayce was already reaching in, fingers working fast to stop the hemorrhaging. The acrid scent of cauterization filled the air as the vet sealed the wound shut, the hiss of burning flesh making my stomach turn.

"You're doing great, Daddy," I murmured, though my voice wavered as I watched his face contort in agony.

Finally, his body went limp. The pain, the blood loss—it had finally pulled him under.

I let out a shaky breath, gripping his hand like a lifeline. "Stay with us, Dad."

The roar of the ranch helicopter vibrated through my chest, snapping me out of my daze. The vet’s hands moved fast, stitching my father’s wound closed with the efficiency of someone used to working on animals, not people. The moment she finished wrapping the bandages tight, Lloyd and Kayce hoisted him up between them. His body was limp, head lolling slightly, but his chest was still rising and falling. He was still here.

They carried him across the yard, past the bunkhouse, past the cattle pens, straight to the waiting chopper. The blades whipped the air into a frenzy, kicking up dust and hay as Kayce climbed in behind them.

“I’ll go with him,” Kayce shouted over the noise, settling into the seat beside our father. He met my eyes, his expression hard but not unfeeling. “Meet you there.”

I nodded, my throat too tight to speak.

The chopper lifted off, and I watched until it disappeared over the horizon, swallowed by the endless Montana sky. The world around me felt muted, distant, like I was watching it happen to someone else.

I glanced down. My boots were caked in cow shit, my hands stained with my father’s blood. The stark contrast of life and death, of the brutal reality we lived every day, settled deep in my bones.

“Come on,” I felt Ryan’s hand steady on my shoulder, “truck is ready. Let’s go.”

—-

Two days later, Kayce pulled the truck through the ranch gates, the familiar rumble of the engine drawing everyone’s attention. Dad was okay. Bruised, stitched up, and mean as ever—but okay.

He sure as hell didn’t want a crowd waiting for him when he got home. Didn’t want anyone fussing, checking in on him, or—God forbid—telling him to take it easy. But that wasn’t how things worked around here.

We would fuss. We would hover. And he would grumble about it, curse under his breath, and bark at us to leave him the hell alone.

Because that’s what family did.

And deep down, beneath all that gruff exterior, he knew it.

I lingered outside my father’s office, cradling a cup of hot tea between my hands. I knew he’d grumble about it, maybe even refuse to drink it outright, but that wasn’t going to stop me from insisting.

Inside, I could hear him talking to Kayce, their voices low but firm—discussing something they probably wouldn’t bother telling me until they deemed it necessary. That was the way of things around here. If I wanted to know anything, I had to figure it out myself.

“Stop eavesdroppin’, Alex, and get in here,” Dad barked.

I straightened, pushing the door open, feigning innocence. “I wasn’t.”

He snorted. “Yeah, you were.”

Busted. No sense in arguing. I walked over and set the tea down on his desk.

He eyed it like it was poison. “I ain’t drinkin’ that shit.”

“Yes, you are,” I shot back, arms crossing over my chest.

He grumbled under his breath, but I caught the way his fingers twitched toward the cup. Stubborn old man.

I watched my brother’s fingers absently thumb over the livestock agent badge in his hand—the one that used to belong to Lee. It was official now. Things were shifting. Kayce was home. I hoped for good this time.

But his family wasn’t here.

I hadn’t been able to get him to open up about what really happened between him and Monica after her accident. She left him. That was all he’d say. That was all he would tell any of us.

The weight of silence hung between us, heavier than the badge in his hand.

“Why haven’t you mentioned them or what happened?” I finally asked the question that had been lingering in the air since Kayce came home. 

“What’s talkin’ about it gonna do?” Kayce responded. 

“Might help you figure it out,” I said, “and how to get them back.” 

“When Lee ran this place,” Dad said leaning against his desk, “he was honest and he was fair. But you can’t be that way with others if you’re not that way with yourself.” 

 “I miss them,” Kayce’s voice was shaky.

“What happened?” Dad asked pointedly. 

“You happened, Dad,” he responded, “then everything happened.” Kayce turned and walked out of the room. 

I let out a slow breath, my eyes following Kayce as he disappeared down the hall. His words hung in the air, thick and heavy, cutting through the room like a blade.

Dad exhaled sharply through his nose, shaking his head as he stared down at his desk. He didn’t argue. Didn’t deny it. He just stood there, arms crossed, jaw tight.

"He's got a point," I said carefully, watching for his reaction.

Dad’s gaze snapped up to me, sharp and assessing, but he said nothing.

I sighed and shook my head. "You wanna keep him here? Keep this family together? Then maybe you should start by admitting what we all already know."

Dad didn’t answer. He just reached for the damn tea I brought him and took a sip.

I started down the hall when my father’s voice cut through the quiet.

“Alex?”

I paused, glancing back.

“If you’re heading to the bunkhouse, send Rip up to the house.”

I blinked. Did he realize how much time I’d been spending there? I wasn’t exactly keeping it a secret, but I didn’t think he’d been paying attention.

“Yeah, I’ll let him know,” I said, then picked up my pace, catching up with Kayce.

“You know what Dad wants with Rip?” I asked.

Kayce didn’t look at me, just kept walking. “Changes. And you’re probably not gonna like ‘em either.”

I frowned. “What kind of changes?”

Before he could answer, Rip stormed ahead of us, shoving the bunkhouse door open so hard it nearly came off its hinges.

Kayce cursed under his breath and pushed past me, already knowing what was about to happen. I followed, stopping just in time to see Kayce yank Rip off Walker.

The tension between them had been simmering for weeks, ever since Walker helped Beth conquer her fear of horses. Now, it had finally boiled over.

Kayce shoved Rip toward the door. “My father wants to see you.”

Rip shook him off and shot one last glare at Walker before stomping out.

Something was shifting. And whatever was coming next, I had a feeling none of us would like it.

The air in the bunkhouse was thick, charged with an unspoken tension that settled heavy over the room.

I let my gaze drift from Walker, his jaw clenched tight, to Colby and Jake, their eyes flicking between each other like they were waiting for someone else to make the first move. Finally, I landed on Ryan.

He was stiff, arms crossed over his chest, lips pressed into a thin line. They were all battling with themselves, trying to figure out what side of this they were gonna land on.

Rip and Walker’s feud had been brewing too long. Now, the storm had finally broken. And in its aftermath, the bunkhouse wasn’t just a place to sleep anymore.

Kayce packed up his things from his corner of the bunkhouse and walked out without a word. His absence left a hollow space, but the tension that had filled the room earlier had finally begun to ease.

After a while, we were all gathered around the television, watching football—Bobcats vs. Wildcats. I wasn’t much for football, but I was definitely into the cowboy whose lap I was settled in and the pint of Ben & Jerry’s I was working my way through.

Jimmy glanced at me, then at my ice cream, his face twisted in curiosity. “So… is it that time of the month?”

I paused mid-bite, leveling him with a glare before nudging the back of his head with the heel of my boot. “I don’t think my menstrual cycle is any of your damn business, Jimmy,” I said dryly. “But if I hang around you long enough, maybe ours will sync up, and then you’ll know.”

The bunkhouse erupted in laughter, and even Jimmy had to smirk, shaking his head as he turned his attention back to the game.

“Can you explain to me why these teams have the same fucking mascot?” Jimmy asked, squinting at the TV in confusion.

“You’ve lived here your entire life and you can’t tell the difference?” Colby shot back, clearly annoyed.

“Those are the Wild Cats,” Ryan motioned toward one team, “and those are the Bob Cats.”

“What’s the fuckin’ difference?” Jimmy asked, still baffled.

“The difference is…” Colby began, but Ryan cut him off.

“Don’t listen to him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Ryan chuckled. “A bobcat is a specific breed of cat. A wildcat is just a cat that went wild.” He gripped my waist and pointed at the screen. “And that’s a run.”

“So, they named their entire team after a cat that just, like, got outta the house?” Jimmy asked, trying to make sense of it.

“Football isn’t rocket science,” I told him with a smirk.

“Y’all are ruinin’ this for me,” Lloyd grumbled from his corner. “Shut the fuck up.”

The bunkhouse fell into a heavy silence when the door swung open, and Rip walked in, carrying a duffle bag full of his stuff. The shift in the room was immediate—something had changed.

This had to be what Kayce was talking about.

Rip had worked for my father since I was ten years old. He was like another brother to me, always part of our tight-knit circle. But seeing the way he looked as he stepped inside—eyes down, face tight—I knew that my father didn’t see him the same way. Not the way Rip deserved to be seen. Not like family.

And that realization hit harder than I expected.

“So just to clarify,” Jimmy smirked, “Colby’s mom—that’s a cougar?”

The room burst into laughter, the guys snickering at the thought.

“Don’t talk about my mom like that,” Colby shot back, his voice defensive, though he couldn’t fully hide the hint of a grin playing at the corner of his mouth.

“So, is she a wildcat then?” Jimmy continued, clearly enjoying the chaos he was causing.

The boys erupted again, some laughing so hard they were almost gasping for air. But Colby’s face flushed with a mix of irritation and amusement.

“Seriously, Jimmy, shut up,” Colby muttered, but even he couldn’t suppress the chuckle that slipped out.

The teasing lightened the mood, but my attention drifted again, catching sight of Rip still lingering at the table, beer in hand. Not quite knowing where he fit anymore. 

The night stretched on, the quiet of the bunkhouse settling around us as we all found our places. I slipped into one of Ryan's old t-shirts again, the fabric soft and familiar, paired with a pair of gym shorts. As I curled up beside him, resting my head on his chest, his fingers ran absentmindedly through my hair, the rhythmic motion soothing.

"So since your brother isn't here anymore..." I heard the smirk in his voice before I even saw it.

I tilted my head up, catching his eyes. "Can't keep it in your pants anymore, cowboy?" I teased, raising an eyebrow, the playful challenge hanging between us.

He grinned, his lips curling slightly, before leaning down to press a kiss to the top of my head. "You have no idea how tempting it is," he murmured, his voice low, and I couldn't help but laugh softly, enjoying the warmth of his presence and the familiar banter.

I propped myself up on my elbow, my chin resting on his chest so I could catch his gaze. "How about I tempt you tomorrow night?" I asked, a playful glint in my eyes. "Unless there's another football game you'd rather watch."

Ryan let out a low chuckle, his fingers still weaving through my hair as his lips curled into a teasing smirk. "I don’t think there’s another game until Thursday, so I’m free tomorrow." His voice dropped an octave, the promise of his words hanging in the air between us.

"Good," I whispered, leaning in just a little closer, the space between us shrinking as I let the anticipation linger.

—-

“Sweetheart,” Dad said, his voice low as we stood waiting, “I’m gonna need you to stand by your brother on this one.”

“I’ve always been on Kayce’s side, Dad,” I replied. “Today isn’t any different.”

“I know you say that, but the boys need to understand that Kayce is the one in charge out there, not Rip. It’s the only way this is gonna work,” he said firmly.

“Alright,” I nodded, knowing my support for Kayce was never in question.

“And since Kayce isn’t sleeping in the bunkhouse anymore,” he continued, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be there either.”

“I’m not gonna be the one running them, Dad,” I said, carefully choosing my words, “and I’m not the only girl in there.” I motioned to Avery, who was standing by her horse, her posture just as strong as the men.

“Doesn’t matter,” Dad grumbled, his expression hardening. “I don’t like the idea of my daughter sleeping in the bunkhouse with a bunch of rowdy men.”

I froze for a moment, feeling the weight of my father's words. He wasn’t looking at me, but I could hear the concern in his voice.

"She ain’t my daughter," he muttered, his gaze hardening as he stared at Avery.

I swallowed hard, trying not to let the frustration show on my face. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand where he was coming from—his protective instincts ran deep—but this felt different.

“Dad, I’ve worked with these men for years,” I said, trying to keep my tone calm. “I’m not some kid that needs to be protected. Besides, you know I’ve always had my own way of handling things.”

“I know you do, sweetheart,” he replied, his voice softer but still firm. “But you're not out there just to work anymore. You're part of this family, and your safety comes first.”

I bit back a sigh, knowing I wasn’t going to win this argument. But the truth was, I wasn’t about to let anyone dictate where I could sleep.

“Well, we’ll see how things go,” I said, my voice final. “But you can count on me to support Kayce. I’ve always had his back.”

I glanced over at the cowboys, all lined up and waiting for the day’s work, trying to keep my gaze casual, even though my eyes lingered a little longer on one of them. My father had noticed—more than I realized. Or maybe I just hadn’t wanted to see it. Eventually, he would find out.

I wasn’t sure what his response would be. Ryan was a good man. Hell, he was better than most of the men I knew. But whether he was ready for this—ready for my father to know, to be a part of what was happening between us—was another thing entirely. Would my father see him the way I did? Would he respect him, or would it be a different kind of test, one neither of us was prepared for?

I wasn’t ready for the answers, but I knew they’d come. And soon.

Kayce led his horse out of the barn, scanning the line of cowboys like he wasn’t sure what his next move should be.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, speaking softly, “Go be the boss.”

“He’s not gonna follow me,” Kayce said to our father, voice tight, glancing back at Rip.

“It ain’t about his respect, it’s about all of theirs,” Dad responded, unwavering.

Kayce nodded, then mounted his horse. All eyes were on him as he spoke, his voice carrying command. “We’ll push 'em up the valley, then over the saddle at East River Road. We’ll take that up the canyon. Ryan, you and Colby got point. Walker, Cowboy, you’re on swing. Avery and Jimmy, flank.”

I listened as Kayce ran down the positions, his words coming smoothly, with no hesitation. Drag was the last to be called. The worst job—dusty, back-breaking work. But it was a job. If that’s where Kayce wanted me…

“Rip, you and Lloyd are riding drag,” Kayce added, eyes flicking to them. I waited, staring at my brother, waiting for him to assign me a spot.

“Kayce?” I said, voice soft but persistent.

“I need you to stay here,” he said, his voice firm.

The glare I shot him could’ve sliced right through him. But I held my tongue. If this was what standing by my brother meant, then it sure fucking sucked.

I waited until they had ridden out before storming into the barn, my frustration building. I wasn’t going to let them see how much it bothered me, how much it fucking hurt. I took the saddle off my horse, stowed it in the tack room, and led him into the stall.

“I know you were looking forward to chasing cows,” I murmured, running my hand down his nose. “We both were.” I filled his trough with hay, letting him get comfortable, though he seemed more at peace than I felt.

I drew in a few calming breaths, trying to let the quiet of the barn settle my mind. I crossed over to Denim’s stall. “I know training wasn’t on the schedule today, but you up for it?” He snorted, his ears flicking back in response.

"Alex,” I heard my dad's stern voice, pulling me from my thoughts. “I don’t want you training today either.”

I shot him a look, frustration bubbling up again. “I can’t run cattle, I can’t trick ride. What can I do, Dad?”

He softened his tone, but it didn’t ease the ache in my chest. “Can you just be still for a little while, sweetheart?”

I let out a breath, defeated, and muttered under my breath, “I don’t think I know how to do that, Dad.”

I walked in silence with my father out of the barn, my boots crunching in the gravel as I tried to find a rhythm to my thoughts. For a moment, I let myself breathe, the weight of everything pressing in on me.

“You know it’s hard for him to tell you what to do,” Dad said, breaking the silence.

“It sure as fuck didn’t seem that hard,” I shot back, my frustration simmering just under the surface.

“The bond you two share,” Dad continued, his voice soft but firm, “is deeper and different than he or you have with the others. You came into this world together. You’re connected in a way that no one but you can understand. You have to let him be in control now, sweetheart. That’s how he’s gonna be able to run this place.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, the reality of it all sinking in deeper. It felt like I was losing something, but I knew he was right. Kayce needed to step up, even if it meant me stepping back.

“What’s left for me, Dad?” I asked, my voice tinged with frustration as I leaned against the fence, my eyes following the line of cowboys as they disappeared into the distance. “I’m not gonna wait patiently in the kitchen or whatever ‘ladies’ do.”

“No, I don’t expect you will,” Dad said, his tone steady as he watched me. “But you’ll get to ride again,” he promised. “When Kayce doesn’t need you to hold him up in front of the others…” He let the words hang in the air for a moment, letting the weight of them settle.

I clenched my jaw, trying to keep the wave of emotions from overtaking me. It wasn’t just about the horses or the work—it was about the place I thought I held in this family. It was about watching my brother step into a role I’d been preparing for my whole life.

But as I stood there, facing the future, I knew my dad was right. For now, it was Kayce’s turn. And I had to let him lead.

I stood at the edge of the arena, my gaze fixed on the horizon as the horses galloped back from the field. They hadn’t been gone long enough to have gathered the cattle up the canyon. Something was wrong—there was an unease in the air, something off that I couldn’t put my finger on.

The cowboys began filtering into the arena, their faces just as uncertain as mine. No one spoke, but the tension was thick. It was as if the earth itself had held its breath.

Kayce swung down from his horse, his movements sharp and purposeful. His chest was puffed up, his jaw set with that familiar stubbornness. He was ready for something, and I knew it wasn’t just about the cattle anymore. It was something deeper.

I followed his stride, eyes flicking to Rip, who dismounted right behind him. The same puffed-up stance. The same hard glare in his eyes. Two men caught in the same web of pride, both unwilling to back down. And I had a feeling this wasn’t going to end quietly.

Rip swung the first punch, fast and hard, and Kayce was right there with the second. Their bodies collided in a blur of raw aggression. Punches landed with bone-crushing force, their grunts filling the air as they exchanged blow after blow. The weight of it all settled in my stomach like lead. My muscles tensed, but I kept my face as unreadable as possible—just like my father, whose eyes were locked on the fight with a gaze that betrayed nothing.

"You want us to get in there?" Ryan asked, his voice a low murmur, but I knew it wasn’t just about breaking up a fight. It was about what it meant for the ranch, for the men who worked it, and for the hierarchy that was constantly shifting beneath us.

"No," Dad said firmly, his voice unshaken. "This needs to happen."

And I understood then. The fight wasn’t just about who was stronger or who could take the harder punch. It was about proving something deeper. A battle of control. Who was going to hold the reins?

With a final, brutal blow, Rip hit the ground and stayed there. Kayce stood tall over him, his chest heaving with exertion, and wiped his hands clean. He picked up his hat from the dirt as if it were nothing, his face hard as stone.

"There ain't no fighting on this ranch," Kayce declared, his voice steady but sharp. "If you wanna fight, come fight me."

The air hung heavy as the hands turned and walked away, leaving Rip on the ground, still trying to catch his breath. I caught the moment Rip stood, his movements slow but deliberate. I knew then that he’d let Kayce win. He wasn’t beaten by the punch, but by the weight of what this meant for his place here.

Dad’s voice broke the silence, calm but commanding as always. "You made him earn it," he said to Rip. "Thank you. Now I need you two to get along. Kayce needs to be able to depend on you."

Rip’s eyes shifted toward me, the quiet tension in the air intensifying. "Can you depend on him, sir?" Rip’s voice was steady but laced with something I couldn’t quite place. "Cause I’ve never seen proof that you can. Not like with her," his gaze flicked toward me, then back to Dad. "But I guess you see something I don’t see."

Dad’s eyes hardened as he met Rip’s gaze, unwavering. "He’s my son, Rip. That’s what I see."

The words hung heavy between them, but before anyone could respond, Rip turned and walked back toward the barn, leaving a trail of questions in his wake. "Jamie’s your son too, sir," Rip called back without turning. "What did you see in him?"

The barn doors creaked as they swung closed, and I was left standing there, the weight of his words settling like dust in the air.

—-

I did my duty, and instead of following after Rip or joining the cowboys in the bunkhouse, I walked back into the house with my father. A tense quiet hung between us, thick and heavy, like the kind of silence you can feel pressing down on your chest.

I made my way up to my room, each step a little heavier than the last. When I reached the door, I leaned against it, my fingers brushing against the wood as if that could steady me. My mind was still reeling from the fight, from everything that had happened, and from the words I’d heard—Rip’s, my father’s.

I didn’t even realize the tears were falling until I felt them streaking down my face, warm against my skin. I wasn’t one of those girls who broke down at every little thing. I was hard, stone-faced, unbothered by the usual sappy moments that got other people’s emotions in a twist. Hell, throw a dog in a movie, and sure, I’d cry. Homeward Bound, Ole Yeller—those were real heartstring pullers. But anything else? I prided myself on staying tough.

But today… today, I was made to feel small. It was like the weight of the world had just pressed me down, and for once, I couldn’t fight it. I hated it. Hated the feeling of being vulnerable, of being diminished by everything happening around me. I was a daughter, a sister, a woman who had been raised to stand tall. Not shrink in the shadow of someone else’s expectations.

But I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to be right now.

I washed my face, the cold water helping to clear my mind, but the sting of everything that had happened still lingered. Staring at my reflection, I tried to make sense of what I was feeling—frustration, confusion, anger. But above it all, there was an ache.

The knock at my door pulled me out of my thoughts.

“Come in,” I called, wiping my face with the back of my hand, hoping it wasn’t too obvious.

The door creaked open, and Kayce stepped in, his presence filling the room. He didn’t speak at first, just stood there, taking in the sight of me. I couldn’t bear the silence. Before I could stop myself, I crossed the room and slid my arms around his waist, pressing my face into his chest.

His body tensed at first, but then he relaxed into me, his arms coming around me, holding me close.

I didn’t remember when he became so much bigger than me. The years had slipped away quietly, and I had never noticed how the space between us had changed. But now, standing in his embrace, it was undeniable. I suppose it was always bound to happen—he’d grown into the man he was meant to be. But I never wanted it to happen. He used to promise me it never would.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” Kayce said softly, his voice carrying the weight of everything left unsaid.

“I know,” I murmured, my forehead still pressed against his chest. “It’s this place. It makes you do things you don’t always want to do.”

“Yeah,” he admitted, exhaling a slow breath. “Next time we go out, you’re beside me. I never meant to push you down. Or away.”

I pulled back just enough to look up at him, studying his face. “Maybe you should tell your wife that too.”

His jaw tightened slightly, the way it always did when something was eating at him. “I’m not quite ready for that yet,” he said.

“Don’t wait too long,” I warned.

“I won’t,” he promised, but there was hesitation in his voice.

A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth as he looked down at me. “Now go wash your face. You’re snotting all over my clean shirt.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled, shoving him lightly before stepping away.

He chuckled, and for a moment, the heaviness between us lifted. I disappeared into the bathroom, turning the faucet on and splashing cool water on my face again. Maybe I’d wash away more than just the tears. Maybe, for just a moment, I could wash away everything else too.

Kayce and I walked down the stairs together, a quiet understanding settling between us as we stepped into the dining room. The rich aroma of pot roast filled the air—Gator’s doing, no doubt. As much as I enjoyed eating outside with the cowboys, there was something grounding about sitting at the family table.

Dad sat at the head of the table, his usual place, while Kayce took the seat to his left. I slid into the chair beside my brother, the warmth of the meal contrasting with the tension that had loomed over the day.

Dad's eyes flicked between us, reading the unspoken truce. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. He saw it. We were united. And on this ranch, that mattered more than words.

I glanced up from my plate at the sound of Beth’s approaching footsteps.

“Sorry, I’m late,” she said, pressing a quick peck to Dad’s cheek before dropping into the seat across from Kayce. Her sharp eyes swept over him, taking in the fresh bruises decorating his face

. “Hey,” Kayce muttered between bites of food.

“Rough day at the office?” Beth smirked, nodding at his battered face.

Dad shot her a warning look, but Kayce just shrugged. “It was hard, but good.”

Beth raised a brow. “What happened?” She glanced between the two of us, her suspicion growing. “And what little wonder twin plotting do you two have going on?”

Dad let out a tired sigh. “Let’s not talk about work at the dinner table.”

Beth scoffed. “He gets up at four a.m. to go to work. You go to bed thinking about work. If we don’t talk about work, what the hell are we supposed to talk about? You expect us to eat in silence, Daddy?”

Dad lifted his hand, the universal sign for drop it.

Beth’s eyes flashed. “Are you shushing me, Daddy?” she snapped. “I’m a thirty-five-year-old woman. I will talk about whatever the fuck I want to talk about.” With that, she tossed her napkin onto the table and stormed out.

I barely contained my laughter, biting down on my lip.

“I see nothing’s changed,” Kayce said, shaking his head.

“She hasn’t made it through a whole meal since she was eleven,” Dad muttered.

Kayce chuckled, and even Dad couldn’t help but smirk.

“By the way,” I said, leveling my gaze at our father, “you’ve got physical therapy tomorrow.”

“I know,” he grumbled.

“And you ain’t missing it,” Kayce added firmly.

Dad let out a long-suffering sigh. “I won’t,” he gruffed.

—-

Kayce smirked as we walked toward his house. “If you want to use the foreman’s house with Ryan, I can wait outside until you’re done.”

I shot him a disgusted look. “You think that’s sweet, but that is so gross.” I wrinkled my nose. “I’m not having sex in your bed.”

“Trust me, he wouldn’t mind,” Kayce chuckled. “I’ve seen how he looks at you.”

“Trust you?” I arched a brow at him. “You got me kicked out of the bunkhouse. It’ll be days before Dad stops paying attention long enough for me to sneak back in.”

Kayce stopped walking, turning to face me with a serious expression. “You don’t belong in the bunkhouse, Alex. You fit in there, but you deserve better than a bunkhouse mattress.”

I sighed, glancing toward the horizon. “It’s what we have,” I said softly. “Stolen moments. Places to sneak off to.”

Kayce studied me for a moment before asking, “Do you love him?”

The question settled heavy in my chest, an ache forming before I even spoke the words. I hesitated, then finally admitted, “Yes.” My voice was quieter than I meant it to be. “I told him once… a long time ago.” I exhaled a shaky breath. “And it didn’t exactly go the way I planned.”

“Maybe he wasn’t ready to hear it then,” he said. 

“What happens when I say it and he doesn’t say it back…again?” 

“I think you’re more scared of what it means if he does say it,” Kayce sat down in the chair on his porch. 

I swallowed hard, Kayce’s words settling in my chest like a stone.

“Maybe,” I admitted, sitting down on the porch steps. The cool evening air did little to ease the heat rising in my face. “If he doesn’t say it back, at least I’ll know where I stand.”

Kayce leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs out. “And if he does?”

I exhaled sharply, shaking my head. “Then everything changes.”

Kayce smirked. “Everything’s already changed, Alex. You’re just pretending it hasn’t.”

I looked out over the ranch, my fingers tracing idle patterns on the wood step beneath me. “Yeah,” I muttered, “maybe I am.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Kayce told me, “you always do.” 

“You need to figure out your stuff too,” I glanced back at him, “and take a little of your own advice. Tell her how you feel.” 

“I will,” he looked at me with a challenge, “you first.” 

I huffed out a laugh, shaking my head. "That ain't fair."

Kayce smirked. "Sure it is. You push me, I push you. That’s how this works."

I rolled my eyes and looked back out over the ranch. The sky was painted in fading streaks of gold and orange, the last light of the day stretching over the land that had raised us both.

"You scared?" he asked after a beat.

"Terrified," I admitted, my voice quieter than I meant it to be.

Kayce nodded like he understood. Maybe he did. "Then I guess we both got some shit to do."

"Yeah," I sighed, "I guess we do."

I stood up looking at the bunkhouse then back to the main house.

“What are you gonna do?” Kayce asked. 

“Man up, I suppose,” I responded, “But tonight, I’ve got to text him like a fourteen-year-old girl 'cause I can’t go to the bunkhouse.” 

Kayce chuckled, shaking his head. "Never thought I'd see the day my badass sister was sneaking around like some love-struck teenager."

"Shut up," I muttered, pulling out my phone. "You got me into this mess."

"Yeah, yeah," he smirked. "Just don’t get caught by Dad. Or Rip."

I shot him a glare before focusing on my screen, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. Hey, cowboy. Can’t come by tonight. Got exiled from the bunkhouse. Blame my brother.

I hit send and exhaled, waiting for a response. It came almost instantly.

Guess I’ll just have to dream about you then.

I bit my lip, warmth spreading through me. Sweet dreams, then.

Kayce laughed beside me. "You're blushing."

“You’re an ass, Kayce."

[kirschteinoir]

[1] you're here, that's the thing.

post-timeskip osamu miya x reader.

❝just one summer. just to appease her.❞

when life in the city becomes overwhelming, your grandmother decides to sign you up for a summer in the countryside working at onigiri miya, the best onigiri place this side of hyogo! you're not the biggest fan of the early starts and long hot days at first, but your attractive new boss may change your mind...

wc; 728

chapter masterlist.

𝙋𝘼𝙍𝙏 𝙊𝙉𝙀. 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙖𝙥𝙧𝙞𝙡 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙚𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙚𝙬𝙮 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙣.

“i don’t know… i just want to do something new…”

the window frame of your small tokyo apartment digs into your arms as you lean dangerously into the spring breeze that finally started to make itself known after many months of red noses and cracked fingertips. you press the phone harder against your ear with one hand in fear of accidentally dropping it whilst reaching out to grab a falling cherry blossom petal with the other. you miss it, watching as it flutters through your fingertips and you reflexively sigh, hoping your downstairs neighbour may appreciate the beauty of spring too and perhaps succeed where you failed.

“tch, are ya sighin’ at me again?” your mother scolds from the other end of the line, her kansai dialect crackling into the receivers as her emotions got the better of her. you quickly rebut, shaking your head and pointing out of the window as if she were next to you in the cramped space of your 66 x 66 square metre prison cell.

“no ma, i swear! i’ve just been in a weird mood lately,” you admit reluctantly, ashamed that you hadn’t yet found your footing in the working world of modern tokyo. you were always the kind of kid who’d tell everyone that one day you’d be the prime minister, or an astronaut, or a famous celebrity, and everyone should get your autograph right now so they would have something worth millions in the future and the bragging rights that they were your classmate at one point. but it didn’t take long for the tumultuous reality of adulthood and life beyond high school entrance exams to hit you - you were still a hard worker to your core but after completing a bachelor’s degree and being left to your own devices as a fully-fledged adult, the foundations of those wild ambitions you’d grown up clutching close to your chest were maybe not as steady as you’d thought.

“as i was saying,” your mother cut through your thoughts sharply, in that way mother’s do when you’re about to be lectured about your life decisions. “how about visiting grandma for a while? for the summer, at least.” 

before you could protest, your mother sensed your reluctance and hastily followed up.

“ya haven’t seen her in ages, when was the last time you went to hyogo? and you’ve been stuck in the city for so long, i can imagine the fresh countryside air would do ya the world of good!”

biting back your whines, you desperately try to think of an appropriate response to your determined mother. while of course you would love to see your grandmother again (she’s probably not had many visitors since your grandfather passed), some part of you rejected your humble beginnings. you’d moved away from a simple life in the countryside at a very young age thanks to your father’s new job in the glittering oasis of tokyo and only ever went back for a week or two during the school summer holidays to see your grandparents. and every summer you’d hated how the dirt never really left the underside of your fingernails or how there was nowhere to hide from the heat, your tiny electric fan about as helpful as a bucket in a flood. eventually your visits ceased altogether and subsequently so did the guilt of missing your grandparents.

“i’ll give grandma a ring as soon as we hang up. she’d love to see her only grandchild again, all grown up!”

ah.

she’d really pulled that card.

despite your initial reluctance, your mother ignores your grumblings and cheers in delight as you finally agree to spend the summer in hyogo with your grandma. just one summer. just to appease her.

it was fast approaching late afternoon by the time you bid your mother goodbye. you’d talked about so much since the initial proposal that you’d half-hoped she would forget her declaration to give her own mother a call; you’d supposed luck had never really been on your side because just as you had convinced her that yes, you had enough groceries for now and yes you were taking your vitamins regularly and definitely drinking plenty of water, she’d brought the subject up one last definitive time.

“i’ll call your grandma now and let you know what she says. bye sweetheart!”

and then the line was dead.

about me. 

ao3 link.

[thistransient]

Halfway through July, and I have neglected to write my yearly birthday introspection, although it did occur to me that between my birthday and the new year I was in fact doing two introspections a year anyways.

For certain reasons I've been waffling about it, but it's also quite nice to be able to look back and compare with the previous year, to see what's changed (sometimes unexpectedly) and what's still the same. Last year I mentioned I "made a close friend [...] and disentangled myself from a draining relationship", but in the end I had been drawn to said friend because he was the polar opposite of the person I was disentangling myself from, and while a different extreme might have been refreshing in the moment, that too was unsustainable in the long run. I think what finally dragged me out of the cycle of too-clingy/too-distant nebulous just-friends-but-what-if sort of relationships was twofold: I started going to counselling with a goal (not the usual "I feel like I'm having a breakdown so I'll see a therapist for 3-6 months before ditching"), and also got into a communal hobby such that I was able to make casual friends and attend regular and diverse events with a time limit (rather than laser focusing on one person and relying on them for all my socialising).

A year ago I said I was feeling adrift, goal-less, and filled with the sort of summer malaise inspired by the scorching Taipei weather this time of year. Unfortunately we are still rather scorched. The temperature and UV levels somewhat put a damper on my usual practice of walking around outside looking at things. On the positive side, I did struggle through the adrift-ness and applied for one (1) grad school program over the winter, which I didn't get into but I did learn that I feel better when I'm working on something, and I was also motivated to finally take Taiwan's Chinese proficiency exam to open up my options for the sort of programs I could try for in the future (I passed a level higher than I expected to, and it was great to feel acknowledgment of my competence at something I'd really put long-term effort into). After the grad school rejection I started planning the trip to Ladakh, which allllmost felt like it involved a similar level of paperwork and fuss- and actually pulling that off in the end (ok, even tho this was after my birthday) despite all my fears and anxiety (particularly around travelling post-transition) was also a great confidence boost. (For a week after I also had this frantic urge to drastically change my life, and I can't tell if it wore off with time or if the heat simply drained out all ambition beyond staying out of the sun and sitting in front of the fan eating cold dragonfruits.)

I have at least two proper goals now, and although one may require starting over entirely from an educational standpoint, as they say, "the time will pass anyways". On my bike rides at night I do tend to start pondering what shall become of me, creeping along in the years but being no closer to permanent or even temporary residency status than any other time I write about it either wistfully or with well-intentioned but otherwise ultimately futile determination, nor feeling like I am useful for any sort of capitalist pursuits. (I suppose this is the part of reflection wherein things have stayed the same, and we must stay tuned for next year.) But I also believe I have made some progress in deflating a little the omnipresent catholic guilt at simply existing, not to mention the adjacent notion that enjoying life a bit and not being maximally miserable at all times is a SIN. By this I mean I have gone twice now to a nice hair salon to let a beautiful woman shampoo, condition, and also give me a haircut that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a bichon-frise immediately after.

All in all, I would say the verdict is incremental improvement. (Okay maybe I'm also racking up incremental nerve damage from all the shibari but you win some you lose some.) My housing/employment/visa-running status hasn't changed dramatically but I feel more hopeful and kinder with myself. I think my Chinese reading speed has kicked up a notch. I've managed to keep the instant noodle consumption under control. I've sent a lot of postcards on my quarterly trips, which are generally well-received. I have taken great delight in growing many plants in the window cage (whether they survive is another thing, RIP to the tomato plants while I was away, bravo to the basil that miraculously rehydrated from what seemed to be a completely unsalvageable state, sorry to the lemon tree sprout that was apparently doing fine on its own before I came back and over-watered it to death). Things feel kinda okay, and I used to be quite suspicious of this because surely they were only going to get worse again, but these days I figure hey, even so, might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

[scattered-shadows]

As seen on my FF.net Also seen on my Ao3

Following the events of fifth year, a new adventure awaits for Norah Lee. Boys, exams, school events, common room parties, and old foes outside of Hogwarts. Even battling pensieve guardians was easier than this.

Main Pair: OC / Ominis Gaunt Genre: Adventure/Angst/Fluff (it's a little of everything, tbh)

KEEP IN MIND: Characters are aged up (even if the story's got them in sixth year) to make it more appropriate. Time period is leaning towards the modern day so in case you might find anachronisms in the dialogue or references, this is why. This may also be quite a lengthy fic too.

BE WARNED: Social anxiety, mentions of blood and injury, grief, drinking, kissing but nothing more than that, death (this is Hogwarts Legacy, after all)

P.P.S: The fight against Harlow ends here. Norah also makes big decisions about her future in and out of Hogwarts.

Masterlist

Chapter 30

Putting his fedora hat on and the scarf, Caleb gave the group an assuring nod before walking up to the Tomb of the Villager in the graveyard. "Do you think he'll be alright in there?" Norah wondered, seeing how easily he managed to get past a few poachers who were going inside.

"He'll be fine," Natty assured her, while also being impressed with how he slipped past them. "If I didn't know better, I'd think he actually loves doing something like that. Disguising himself and all. He nearly gave Henry a heart attack when he surprised us near the mine."

"I remember him telling me he loves doing this sort of thing once," Henry recalled, shaking his head.

Norah nodded, seeing how several others were already going inside the Tomb, one of them closed the iron door behind them before disappearing the deeper they went. "If they find out that we've gotten through to those in the places you went to, they'll really want to make some noise. Walkie talkies could really come in handy right now."

"We'll just have to trust him to do what he's going to do," It was Sebastian's turn to assure her. "Don't worry, we'll all put an end to this, one way or another."

"We even contemplated talking to Professor Sharp about this on the way here," Henry muttered as they made their move, nonchalantly walking around several grave stones so as not to look suspicious. "Could we really talk to him about it? Won't we get into trouble?"

"He's a former auror, I think he'd want to get back into the action, if you know what I mean," Sebastian said.

"In any case, allow me to tell Professor Sharp. Perhaps he'll know who to contact so he can tip them off about where Harlow is," Amit suggested, followed by hums of agreement, including from Norah. "I'll catch up."

The Ravenclaw boy went back down the streets of Hogsmeade, leaving them to stay completely still when a group of a few more were seen walking from the other side to enter the graveyard and then into the Tomb. Norah could feel her heart pounding, until she felt someone hold her hand.

"It'll be alright," Ominis said.

He wanted nothing more than to keep holding her hand, also to assure himself just as much that things will be alright. Even if he was scared shitless over what they were going to do. He needed to be brave for her this time, and he was determined to, even if it took everything in him to resist going back to the castle and stay in the confines of the school where he would be safe. Ominis needed to do this, because Norah and Sebastian had always risked their necks out there, doing something that might have turned out for the better - or worse, in Sebastian's case. But most of all, he wanted to do this, so he could take a step to overcome the fear that had crippled him his entire life, more than his inability to see.

Norah squeezed his hand, slowly letting go. "I've faced off so many of them in fifth year," She muttered. "Be on your guard. They might try and do something. They might try and hurt you to hurt me."

"We'll be fine," Garreth patted her shoulder. "At least we're part of the action this time."

They chuckled. "In case we get in trouble, I've got no regrets, I don't even care if I don't become a prefect anymore," Henry grinned. "Black could strip the prefect badge off me for all I care."

"It's time," Norah stood up straight, and cast a disillusionment charm on herself, the rest of them followed suit, downing their vials of invisibility potion as they approached the entrance one by one. Whenever one of them were coming near a poacher or Ashwinder, they were quick to petrify and tie them up so they couldn't move. As soon as they were inside, they noticed more and more ashwinders and poachers standing by, only to see what was happening.

Each of them were standing close to the pillar, blasting through to destroy them. The rubble flew in every direction, making them duck for cover, or at least hide behind those standing in front of them. As Norah stood up straight, drinking another vial of invisibility potion, she noticed the familiar red glow coming from the room where she saw the large chest that had some treasure.

Taking a closer look, it seemed like a shard, a remnant from the repositories of emotion in the now-abandoned places. "Found this from that tower in the northern bog region," They heard one of them say.

"Blimey, he really wanted that power Ranrok and Rookwood were after..." Sebastian mumbled as they followed them in.

"There's more where that came from," Another one said as they approached a wall, that suddenly opened up to become a tunnel. "That tower had so many parts, the goblins weren't able to reach them," They snorted.

"There was a repository in the tower..." Norah gaped at what she heard.

As if it couldn't get any more convenient, Norah realized why. "Harlow has that goblin's journals," The same Ashwinder said, unwittingly leading them down what seemed like a long passageway, leading them to several other platforms that Norah knew would bring them inside another room entirely.

"Caleb where are you," Norah muttered, still poised to petrify anyone who came a little too close to her, but also noticing some suddenly fall to the ground, ropes suddenly appearing from out of nowhere to tie them up.

There was a light at the end of the torch-lit tunnel, revealing a familiar sight to both Norah and Natty. They were indeed, inside the hideout underneath the Hog's Head. In the middle of the room was Harlow himself, trying to harness the remnants of the repositories into himself. He no longer looked as sickly as he used to, but they saw the same look in his eyes as Norah saw in Ranrok in the caverns. His wand-bearing hand was wrapped in red tendrils of power.

"This was what Rookwood and Ranrok have been looking after all this time," Harlow looked at his hand. "I must admit, I had no idea it felt so...powerful."

In a show of force, Harlow's spellcast sent several of them knocking into the barrels behind the counter. That was when Norah saw a glimpse of Caleb, standing near a crimson-clad Ashwinder duellist. To make things worse, among them was also Nicholas Carrow himself, standing proudly with a few of his friends.

"A camera would've been good to have right now," Norah muttered upon seeing them. "Where the hell are you, Caleb?"

She was about to creep toward the outer circles of the crowd when she saw some have already collapsed and were being dragged into the corners. They were getting closer than ever, they needed to outnumber Harlow no matter what it took. Amit would've gotten to Sharp or whoever auror he thought to contact. Sooner or later, they would arrive.

As Norah took another step, she suddenly felt something prodding her side. "Tsk tsk tsk, sneaky sneaky sneaky," She heard a familiar voice, realizing that the invisibility potion now wore off.

"Caleb?" She whispered.

"Yeah, it's me," He replied. "You got any of that potion left? We look kind of weird like this."

Norah shook her head. "You look like you're going dancing, or practicing with an invisible partner...but the disguise looks effective."

"Thanks," Caleb replied. "Rounded up a lot?"

"Yeah, a lot have been put away..." Norah whispered.

Caleb chuckled, clearing his throat. "Good. Are you ready?"

Norah took a deep breath. She felt her heart pounding, that same feeling of anticipation during the battle at the caverns in fifth year. There was no other way to go about it. "Yeah. Might want to do the same to the others if you find them," She whispered.

"Oi!" Caleb went back to his act, removing the disillusionment charm from her, making everyone turn their heads, including Carrow and his friends. "Look at what we have here..."

Harlow stared at Norah as Caleb brought her forward, in the middle of it all. "I thought you were better than that," He growled. "This was what the fuss was about last time, eh?" The tendrils of magic around his wand-bearing hand seemingly glowing with every move he made. "I shall enjoy beating you to it."

"It doesn't matter," Norah shook her head. "This hardly seems fair for all of you," She said.

"We'll see about that," Harlow smirked. "Avada kedavra!"

Norah pushed Caleb back, jets of red light from her wand meeting the green from Harlow's. Caleb removed his hat and the scarf covering his face, pointing his wand at the rest of the Ashwinders and poachers.

All hell had broken loose as Sebastian, Garreth, Henry, Leander, Ominis, and Natty revealed themselves and struck others. "This hideout isn't big enough for both of us," Norah focused on overpowering Harlow's curse, the jets of light from her wand snapping back at him. "Had enough, did you?"

"I'm only just getting started," Harlow snarled as he got to his feet, firing spells at her one after the other, which she dodged in time non-verbally.

Ominis sensed Carrow nearby, all the more when he sensed the fifth year's intentions of coming for Norah. "Arresto momentum!" He yelled, freezing him on the spot, but dodging the spells of his friends. Approaching Carrow's frozen form, he shook his head. "You ought to know by now that I can make good with my threats. I do wonder what excuse you'll have this time."

"Incarcerous!" Ropes shot out from Garreth's wand, tying Carrow and his friends up as well, while dodging some more spells cast by the Ashwinders and poachers that saw them. As he and Ominis proceeded to bring their bodies to one corner, the blonde turned to the redhead as they tried to join back into the fray.

"Garreth, when this is all over, I'd want to talk to you about something," He said, the two of them stopping when Norah and Harlow faced each other off on the elevated platform, the magic from both their wands colliding in beams of light, each trying to overpower the other.

"Does this have to do with Norah?" He asked, shielding both of them from an attempt by a poacher to petrify them.

"Well," Ominis banished one away, hitting several others like bowling pins. "Yes, it does, but- I just want you to know, Norah and I, nothing's going to happen, so I won't be jealous at all if you two decide to-"

"Hey, hey, hey, hang on," Garreth looked taken aback, the two of them ducking as they climbed up another set of steps. "What do you mean- You think Norah and I fancy each other?"

"I may be blind but I'm not oblivious, I can tell you care about her a lot," Ominis pointed out. "But she will be much happier with you than she would be with me."

The two of them ducked again when an executioner was sent flying over their heads, completely frozen before shattering. "Okay, we'll need to talk about this later," Garreth said, and as they were about to fire some spells of their own, they were cornered by an Ashwinder scout, who immediately turned into a wolf, while another suddenly summoned an inferius.

"Fuck," Ominis muttered under his breath.

A ring of fire suddenly came from one corner, burning the inferius to ash as Leander hurried up, looking frazzled yet determined. "Not so fast, you twats!" He yelled, poised to start casting spells again when he joined the other two.

The wolf pounced, but was frozen in time thanks to Ominis, while Garreth levitated the other, who summoned yet another inferius. Leander reached into his bag and pulled out a chomping cabbage, which started to attack the transformed ashwinder scout, giving the three of them time to run away, dodging more stunning spells sent in their direction. Leander pelted several more chomping cabbages, attacking whoever was in its path and rolling toward the others it can sense.

Henry and Natty were fighting several off, their backs to each other. "This is better than having to face off Carrow in Crossed Wands," Henry levitated a few before banishing them toward the wall. "Speaking of which, where's Carrow?" His eyes did a quick scan of the place.

"From what I know, Garreth and Ominis took care of them," Natty said breathlessly, sending a duellist crashing into the floor.

"This is what Norah meant by that plan she told us before, huh?" Henry found himself confronting an executioner that was about to conjure a ring of fire under them.

"Yep! We'll need to move closer!" Natty sliced through the executioner, the ground trembling when they heard one of them cast bombarda.

The entire hideout was struck with a blinding light, as Norah and Harlow once again found themselves at a stalemate, the powerful jets of light from both their wands clashing.

"You can feel it too, don't you? The power coming from the repository, the one you thwarted us of!" Harlow growled, channeling all his energy toward cursing her.

Norah stayed calm as the jets of light from her wand grew stronger. "Ranrok tried and failed, Rookwood tried and failed, and so will you, once and for all."

The tendrils of emotion that coiled itself around Harlow's wand-bearing hand seemed to disappear, while Norah felt the chill, the whispers, telling her to invoke her ancient magic. Amidst the sounds of spells being cast and things collapsing, crashing, or people screaming, Harlow roared the more he tried to get through.

The whispers Norah seemed to hear grew louder, telling her that it was time. Even the commotion taking place all around them seemed to be drowned out by the powerful whispers, and her eyes flickered for a moment - something that Harlow noticed. As she invoked the ancient magic, a strong current of light hit Harlow, exploding into nothing, his wand getting destroyed with him.

Seeing the red swirls of emotion hang in the air, Norah channeled her magic toward it with her wand, taking it all in, just as she had done in the caverns the previous year. All around her, she realized the aurors had arrived, rounding up the remaining Ashwinders and poachers that the rest of them were fighting. Among those in the crowd were Professors Sharp and Weasley, the latter being quick to call Garreth out, who already had a sheepish look on his face.

It was done.

---

As groups of aurors, including some police officers were gathered around the entrances of the Tomb and the cellar, Norah and the rest of the group watched everyone else get arrested or answer questions posed by the aurors and the police.

"We're only a few weeks into the new year and we've put an end to Harlow once and for all," Sebastian said, glancing at the Slytherin girl. "Hey, you alright?"

Norah nodded, recalling the events of the duel that led to her ultimately defeating Theophilus Harlow once and for all. It was finally over, as far as he was concerned. The remnants of magic from the previously unchecked repository were now within her, seeing how it transferred from Harlow to herself.

They saw Professors Weasley and Sharp emerge from the cellar and make their way to them. "Well, what a weekend it has already been, hmm?" Professor Weasley smiled at them, eyeing her own nephew most especially. "Well, thanks to your efforts, the authorities have rounded up virtually all of Harlow's lot. You were all very brave for doing so."

Sharp, however, turned to Norah, taking something out of his coat. "I believe this, may be something of importance to you? Given what Eleazar had told us the previous year, about your entire, shall I say, special assignment, you might make use of this more than the aurors would, just don't tell them I gave it to you," He said.

Norah's eyes widened. "Bragbor's journals. Thank you, professors," She took the stack of notebooks and stuffed it inside her bag.

"I'm curious, what's going to happen to Nicholas Carrow and his friends?" Sebastian suddenly asked.

Sharp and Weasley exchanged looks. "I'm afraid Mr. Carrow and his friends may find themselves in detention for the rest of their stay in Hogwarts, if the Headmaster doesn't expel them already for their involvement with Harlow and send them to Azkaban," Sharp replied, eyeing Norah knowingly. "Either way, they're not for you, any of you to worry about anymore."

"As for the rest of you," Professor Weasley rounded on them. "It would be best for all of us to stay out of trouble from now on. It's all over, at least for now. Why don't we all get a drink at the Three Broomsticks? I think you've all earned it," She suggested, looking amused.

When they made their way into the pub, they were suddenly greeted with cheers and applause coming from the patrons, among them being Gerbold Ollivander himself, Otto Dibble, Betty Bugbrooke, even Crispin Dunne, Ellie Peck, Beatrice Green, and even Gladwin Moon. Sirona immediately prepared several pints of butterbeer as several other patrons went up to them to thank them for what they've done.

"Once again, the Hero of Hogwarts has saved wizardkind," Sirona grinned as they each sat down on the stools.

"They helped me out too," Norah smiled, glancing at her friends, Garreth and Leander looking especially victorious. Caleb was unable to hide his surprise at this development. "Much like what happened with Ranrok, I wasn't alone."

"Don't downplay your achievement. You were the one who faced off against him," Natty advised. "This was your plan in the first place anyway."

They chuckled as they clinked their pints of butterbeer before taking another sip. The atmosphere in the Three Broomsticks had become more cheery than before, and the sounds of laughter filled all three floors of the place. As Norah took a few more sips of butterbeer, it was beginning to sink in. It was like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders with Harlow now dead.

"I must ask," Sharp suddenly approached her. "I wonder what you plan on doing after Hogwarts? Your abilities have clearly made you fit to become an auror."

When Professor Weasley looked over curiously, Norah shrugged, until she glanced at Garreth and was reminded of their little detour earlier. "Well, actually, I acquired a little shop here in Hogsmeade," She said, making the rest of her schoolmates look over at her in surprise. "I plan on working in a shop, selling modified garments and trinkets from my little trips throughout the Highlands."

Noticing Garreth's expression, Professor Weasley grinned. "And I suppose you'll also be selling some of that fizz-beer that Garreth has been brewing in between classes?"

They laughed. "Well, Garreth and I went through the trouble of proving that we were able to buy the shop, so, he's more of a supplier of that brew," Norah replied, while Garreth looked proud.

The two teachers seemed to be amused. "Then, I wish you all the best in that shop, perhaps when it's all set up, we can come round to have a look," Professor Weasley said, raising her pint to the brunette.

"Then Hogsmeade is a lot safer with you around from now on," Sirona was impressed. "Hey, Lodgok would've been glad to know you put a stop to it. As would Professor Fig."

Norah smiled, taking another drink of butterbeer. It seemed like things fell into place after all, yet, it only made her feel a little better, as she looked over to where Ominis sat. The blonde was focused on his drink and picking at the snacks Sirona placed on top.

"Well, you now have Bragbor's journals, you'll be able to figure out how to destroy that ball of emotion in time," Sebastian remembered. "But on the brighter side, at least there's nothing else to look forward to except for the end-of-term exams."

"So we're all coming back to take NEWTs next year?" Henry tried to change the subject, looking at each of them.

All of them nodded. "I think it's an added achievement," Amit suddenly said, munching on a pretzel. "Besides, my parents would want me to finish studying."

"My mother requires it," Natty eyed her boyfriend knowingly.

Caleb nodded. "Me too. They keep telling me, that's how I should set an example for Rana and Alia. But I keep telling them that Rana and Alia have different goals other than marrying into wizarding aristocracy." Glancing at Henry, Caleb was suddenly curious. "...Are your brothers single?"

Henry nearly spat out his drink in surprise, making them laugh. "Why don't you let your sisters decide for themselves if Ethan and Arnaud are their types," He wiped his mouth.

"Trust me, the things I have to hear during the summer holidays from them about you and your brothers is enough proof that they fancy them," Caleb clutched Henry's sleeve. "In fact, they were talking about them so much that even my mum and my aunts are curious."

The taller blonde patted his hand with a sigh. "I will tell them, but I can't promise anything."

Caleb let go of his sleeve and went back to enjoying his drink. Norah was watching her pint get refilled as she started to think about what else was ahead.

---

As they returned to Hogwarts that night, with the two professors having left before they did, they stopped in front of the entrance of the Forbidden Forest, seeing the tentacle of the giant squid emerge from the lake. "It's nice to be out here tonight, the stars are out," Amit looked up at the sky as they pressed on, seeing more hippogriffs take to the air all of a sudden. Only the sounds of the creatures that were in the forest could be heard, along with some birds.

"Natty," Norah suddenly glanced at her friend.

"Yes?" The Gryffindor girl momentarily pulled away from Henry's embrace. "What is it?"

"There's something I think I want to learn and only you seem to know how I can do it," She said. At Natty's curious expression, she continued. "I want to learn how to become an animagus."

The rest of them stared at them. Even Natty was a little surprised. "You want to learn how to become an animagus?" She asked, as if to try and wrap her head around it, and Norah nodded. "Really? It's a very tedious process, and it would take a month to do."

"Merlin, you want to become one?" Sebastian asked.

"Yes. What do you think?" Norah asked them.

"Well, you are very good in Transfiguration and Potions," Garreth pointed out. "I don't see how you won't do well in becoming an animagus yourself."

Sebastian remembered something. "I read in a book that if you can cast a patronus with an actual form, that might be what you change into. And if I'm not mistaken, Norah," He turned to his best friend. "You might turn into a falcon."

Norah shrugged. "Perhaps. But we'll have to see, won't we?" She said. "So? Can you help me through it?"

Natty nodded. "You bet. But Sebastian and Ominis have to help you too, so you have a good chance of succeeding. We can go over the process when we get to the castle."

They started walking again, already hearing Imelda's commands to the Slytherin quidditch team, which recently fell short to the Gryffindor house team during the season. It wasn't so much of a surprise, as Adele and her teammates got along a little more, and for a moment, Norah felt sorry that she refused to play for the house team.

They slowly parted ways once they reached the grounds, seeing several of their fellow students, two of whom were talking to Madam Kogawa, suddenly break into whispers. Unsurprisingly, they had all found out what just happened in Hogsmeade.

"The wizarding community once again, owes you a great debt that might not be completely repaid," Madam Kogawa told her when she passed by.

Norah only nodded in acknowledgment, as she quietly approached the floo flame to go to the Room of Requirement. The beasts would probably need brushing by now, and perhaps she could modify a few items of clothing with the magic loom after this. As soon as she stepped inside, Deek was happily standing by the meadowy vivarium and the Desk of Description.

"Good evening! Deek has heard of your adventure in Hogsmeade," He said, suddenly changing the ambiance to something cozier, the room now illuminated with a warm light. "You've once again saved the wizarding world."

"I don't think it was that big this time, I just dealt with a fugitive who tried to harness some more power," Norah shrugged, slipping on her dragonhide gloves to harvest the plants. She refilled her stocks of potions on her way inside each of the vivariums. Deek quietly followed her to release some toys for the beasts to play with. "Deek? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

Norah glanced at him. "Do you have any favorite beasts in this vivarium?" She asked.

"Hmm, Deek likes all the beasts," The house-elf replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I'd like to leave you one as a parting gift when I leave Hogwarts after seventh year," She said. "I'm not sure how I can bring all of them with me once I leave...I know it's still more than a year away, but what happened earlier has made me think about what's going to happen next. And before you ask, goblins have beasts as pets, by the way, so I don't see how elves shouldn't own pets. This one goblin, Garnuff, takes care of a mooncalf."

Deek nodded in thought. "Perhaps a mooncalf too. A mooncalf dance is always so beautiful," He said.

"Do you think they'll be okay with you in the kitchens?" Norah teased.

"Oh no, they can't be in the kitchens," He said, with an amused smile. "In that case, Deek sadly can't own any beast."

"I understand. I didn't expect you to leave Hogwarts once I do," She said. "I just wonder what I'm going to do with all these beasts, including Ruby, and His Lordship, and even Highwing and Caligo...Hazel too, and Ulysses."

Deek remained amused. "Oh right, Deek forgot to tell you. The nab-sack isn't just cozy. Deek must show you what he means," He said.

She followed him outside the vivarium while bringing the boxes of jobberknoll feathers and mooncalf furs. Norah brought out the nab-sack and showed it to Deek. "So, what do you want to show me?" She asked curiously as she set it down on the floor.

A strong gust of wind emerged from the nab-sack as Deek opened it. "Come!" He said, and to Norah's surprise, he himself was sucked inside.

"Deek!" Norah approached the opening of the bag, feeling a strong suction until her vision went from the Room of Requirement to a momentary darkness and finally, to what looked like the inside of an open cabin. Deek was already standing outside, and Norah could see glimpses of grass and water. "Deek?" She said, slowly getting to her feet.

"Come!" Deek gestured for her to follow him.

As soon as she stepped out, her expression turned into awe. It was much, much larger than what she thought. It was as if all the vivariums were combined into one, including the rocky crevices and marshes. Looking back, she realized that the cabin she emerged from had enough room for supplies like food, brushes, and toys. "...Whoa," Norah whispered.

Deek was beaming. "The nab-sack is like the Room of Requirement, it's much bigger than you think. While you rescued the helpless beasts, they stayed in this place until you brought them to the vivariums. There's room for all kinds of beasts, even sea beasts."

"Sea beasts?" Norah was amazed. "So if I brought in the giant squid-"

"The nab-sack will give it room to thrive and live."

Norah was even more amazed. seeing the sky had changed into night. "So you're telling me, once my time in Hogwarts is over, I can bring everything from the vivariums into this nab-sack? Including His Lordship?"

"Including His Lordship," Deek nodded. "It's wonderful, isn't it?"

"It is wonderful," Norah smiled. "Thank you, Deek, for everything."

[saintshigaraki]

If it isn't too much to ask can you give me some study tips queen 🙏🏽 like how to stay focus when the topic is boring af?

i fear my advice isnt super general bc a lot of it comes down to like. personal motivation. i am for better or for worse (and its often for worse) extremely grade motivated. i plan to apply to pharmacy school post undergrad and that often (though not always. and they of course look at other things such as research hours) requires pretty good grades and that is where a bulk of my personal motivation stems from. i also am extremely lucky and privileged in the sense that i only have to work while in school around 10 hours a week, which of course leaves me with a lot of extra time outside of classes to study and rest.

with that all said ! some study tips that i abide by religiously are --

review actual material given in class which may include: slides, worksheets, practice exams, STUDY GUIDES!!!, practice problems etc. and do the worksheets and practice problems more than once. preferably over and over and over and over again. my advice is to redo all the worksheets and practice problems AT LEAST twice. but if you can more. and start all of this AT LEAST a week before the exam but really preferably earlier

as I've said here before: GO TO OFFICE HOURS!!!! if there is a study guide given, go to office hours with the study guide in hand and go through all the points you're even a little unsure about, but really if you can, go through every single point with your prof if realistic and/or possible.

if you are not given a study guide, still go to office hours and depending on the prof. feel free to be a bit of a nuisance and ask questions like 'what material should i be focusing on while studying?' 'will *insert something* be on the exam?' just questions along that nature. essentially just be as pushy with the prof. as possible lol

3. STUDY GROUPS!!!!!!!!!!! oh my gosh study groups are so so so so important and can be an amazing tool. not only because there will most likely be people in your group that understand something you dont and can help you but because you might understand something they dont and you can explain it to them which is in itself an amazing and powerful study tool. that and also study groups make it so you've committed yourself to studying at a specific time and have other people relying on you to show up and put in effort

the above points are how i study before every exam! it works for me and it might work for you, but you'll probably find that there are other things that work for you as well! it took me all of freshmen year to figure out a study schedule that worked for me and got me the results i wanted. do NOT ! be discouraged because of a bad exam, or a bad month, or even a bad semester. these things absolutely do not define you and as people say, the world won't end if you get a less than stellar grade in chemistry lol

i do hope that this was somewhat helpful and im wishing us all nothing but the best for this upcoming year <3

[fictionkinfessions]

In response to

https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/763632922895040513/fandom-this-post-is-about-persona-%EF%BC%95?source=share

I normally do not respond to vent posts whatsoever, purely due to the fact that I hardly ever know what to say or due to the fear that the individual does not want responses. But I'm pulling out the notes app for this one. Do not feel the need to respond to this whatsoever. Do not force yourself too. I don't want to be the reason you exert yourself any further than you already have. Please take further time to rest, I hope all your exams go well and happy early birthday.<3

I get it. I really do. I won't say that I'm in the same situation as you are, simply because I'm likely not and there's likely way more going on in your life now that you haven't spoken of. But I do believe I'm in a highly similar one.

If you don't take anything other than one thing from this then at least take this statement. You are worth so much more than you think you think you are. You always have been, and you always will be. You don't have to be a good person. You don't have to constantly give yourself to other people. Hell, that may sound very selfish of me to say that, but truthfully I know how it is to constantly take away from yourself in order for the gain of other people. Please don't ever put yourself or let anyone put you under the impression that your only purpose in life is to help and improve others lives. Because it's not.

It's perfectly okay to dislike people for whatever reasons. You don't need to have some set of reasons. There's not a rulebook in place for what all you can dislike people for. You can't force yourself to like someone. That's just not how it works.

To be frank with you, sorry about my language, but life is pretty fucking difficult. Especially when you throw in social aspects, work, and just living in general (in this economy?!? sorry.). But truthfully it gets better. It may take a while. It may be a short period of time where it does get better then immediately decreases again. That's okay. Never fault yourself with that. It's inevitable that it happens. What's important is that you keep going on. And with “purpose”, genuinely, I think purpose is a thing you make for yourself. I don't believe in the existence of a being that decks out people their purposes and assigns them it before they're born. People have multiple purposes. You don't need to have this one major overbearing one. You can have smaller ones. You don't necessarily have to be useful either. Nobody needs to be useful. Nobody needs to have an explicit purpose/purposes (the grammars messed up, dw about it.). Everyone's good at something, even if you cannot see it for yourself.

In the end, you just need to see the world. In both its beauty and it's ugly features. That sounds really stupid, I'm writing this and I'm cringing right now. But, I'll leave it in because you deserve authenticity. You deserve the world in fact. And I'm sorry this is how you're treated by it.

This does conclude a lot of what I wanted to say, I apologise if any part makes no sense or if I misunderstood any portion of what you said, it's 1am here as I'm writing this and I needed to write this down now before I forgot what I was going to say. I'm not a motivational speaker by any means, but I suppose this was my best attempt at it. Please take this whole thing in the best way possible as I did not mean to be mean or upsetting in any way, I'm just horrible with tone through text and texting in general.

Alla prossima. (Italian for “until next time”, not sure if you're supposed to actually go and use this over text, but I'm slowly learning bits and pieces of Italian and some others.)

-Akechi Goro

P.S. (I would call it side notes, but that's your thing not mine)

Seriously, if things get too stressful, this goes for anyone reading this whole thing, not sure if you already do it, but try meditation. Might not work for everyone or everything, and it might not work immediately, but I do believe it to help on some levels. I'm also not a medical professional so don't quote me of all people on that.

(This whole thing is just me telling you what I wish anyone in my family would have told me like, a few weeks ago, so I might be slightly projecting. Just for the record. Not good at telling when I am or not.)

x

[deulleya]

"lie and truth."

the fifth instalment of my musical translation series — entering an elite academy amidst shrewd lies and shocking truths. will friendship endure, or will betrayal tear them apart?

the video is not mine, but all translations are my own.

musical: eli (일라이)

cast: [lyon] yu taeyul, ki sejung, noh yun • [eli] bae nara, hong seungan, park jwaheon • [sophie] lee seoyoung, lee jiyeon • [alice] im yejin, seong minjae • [yulia] baek yeeun, sun yuha • [justin] shin hyucksu (shin subin), hong kibeom • [headmaster] jeong jaeheon, byun heesang

synopsis: in the prestigious brixton academy for the rich and elite, the scholarship student lyon and his best friend eli are lauded as role models for the student body. that is, until the transfer student sophie upends the status quo alongside whispers and rumours. amidst the burgeoning distrust, the students defend themselves with lies upon lies that shake the very foundation they've built themselves upon. everyone has secrets, yet everyone seeks the truth — but is the truth they yearn for truly the real truth? and is there even a real truth at all?

production: new production (twitter / youtube)

[ this musical will be streaming online here, here, and here (different cast each day). hyuckstin and nyun lyon!! ]

- ☽ -

- ☽ -

하나만큼은 – at least one

+ 바람 rep. – wind (reprise)

noh yun as lyon, park jwaheon as eli

[Lyon] What are you doing?

[Eli] I have faith in you. Whatever comes your way, you’ll pull through. That’s who you are. The real problem is me. Nothing interests me nowadays. As expected, the righteous path of law ought to be treaded upon by someone like you. A righteous person, like you. Not someone like me.

[Lyon] What do you mean by that?

[Eli] Hey, should I just flunk an exam? Or perhaps I'll withdraw from the moot court? That way you’ll definitely get in, regardless of what Sophie does.

[Lyon] What do you think you’re saying?! We promised to enter the same university together. Look, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t even be here. You were the one who led me into this world. That’s why we have to keep going together, till the end!

[Eli] Lyon… I’m sorry. Calm down, okay?

[Lyon] …I’m sorry.

[Lyon] From a certain point Not a single thing has been going my way Not my grades, nor my evaluations, not even my emotions

The words that surface endlessly in my mind Perhaps the image you have of me May not be the real thing

Scared, fearful, unfamiliar, anxious These feelings, this side of me This isn’t who I am

I don’t want anything to change I’m going to live as I planned

[Lyon] When I’m with you, I can stay true to myself. The me whom you believe in. That side of me.

[Lyon] The future that I dream of I can’t let it crumble Can’t just this one thing Turn out the way I wish for? Without anything changing Even if it’s just the two of us

- ☽ -

[Lyon] Hey, that’s dangerous. Come back down—

[Eli] Lyon! You remember, right? You told me so — as long as I hold fast to my balance, I won’t be swayed!

[Lyon] I did..?

[Eli] Do you still remember? The day we first came to this place A school we’d never aimed for A dream we’d never harboured As if wearing ill-fitting clothes We were nothing but stifled

[Eli] C’mere. Ah, c’mon!

[Lyon] Coming.

[Eli] Ah, it’s refreshing!

[Lyon] Ah, it’s refreshing.

[Eli] Lyon.

[Eli] Do you remember that day? You told me, who felt trapped Not knowing where to head towards Or what to pursue, To feel the wind

[Lyon/Eli] Feel the wind If we feel it with our hearts Even without flying, we can soar As long as we don’t lose our balance We can be free, anywhere

[Eli] Hey, grab my hand! Grab it, grab it! Lyon. Shall I tell you a secret?

[Lyon] I have one too. A secret.

[ alternate pairings here (yu taeyul, bae nara) and here (ki sejung, hong seungan). ]

[livsspecialinterests]

don't really know what I'm writing or why but it's 0350am and I'm sitting in bed unable to get back to sleep having a weird slight panic

idk whether I'm feeling a bit of a writing slump because I know that the dead should stay dead still has quite a way to go and some part of me worries that by the time I've gotten at the very least to the next big plot point a lot of people may very well have lost interest in the fandom

like I know it's silly because there's probably always going to be some sort of fandom around BJTM but this little community means so much to me and has meant so much to me during a really difficult and life altering time, I mean for gods sake I started writing fics to try to figure out my own meltdowns

plus at this point I really have no other strong interests, idk maybe I'll get super into Doctor Who again with the specials and the new series starting but I've really gone hard on the One Interest

I really love the last few chapters of the dead should stay dead but it's felt a bit different writing them. maybe it's because I feel a little guilty spending whole days on chapters when I've got so much that I need to do for work (I know it sounds sad but there's exams, portfolio etc), plus I'd really like to give writing original fiction another go

there's also that gnawing fear that the fandom is going to like... vanish, which again is probably not true in its entirety but once the tour ends I can see some people falling off or finding another thing

also people leaving or drifting away from the fandom is a completely okay thing to do I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad if that's what they want to do

it's also not to say that people are obliged to engage with or comment on my fics or hell even read them, of course no one *has to* do anything in fandom it's a bunch of people just having fun

I know I should just write for my own fun and enrichment but external validation is nice, okay? plus these past few weeks the external validation and thinking 'no, I want to write this for the people who are reading the fic and want to know what happens next' have been big motivators

my main motivator used to be this absolutely unstoppable creative drive and love for the show and it's characters (which is still there, I'm unfortunately going to love this silly show until the day I die I think) but this past week I've found that I'd rather study for my work exams than spend time writing a few paragraphs

if I cool it off a little with the frequency of chapter updates it'll probably be a net good for me, I really need to buckle down and get these exams passed, I need to start actually engaging in planning my career because I think in my head I've been thinking I might get a book published one day and as a result I've been sort of half neglecting the actual really decent career I've got

but also my mental health is so much better, I've mostly healed from a lot of my late diagnosed autistic trauma, plus work is actually quite good right now?

maybe more of my writing for BJTM fics was motivated by being mentally ill than I originally thought, and maybe I don't *need* to write fics anymore but I want to and I want to still love writing fics as much as I did back when I was having that difficult time, where it was a huge personal comfort to be able to write Beej having a hard time in very specific ways and have other people comfort him

I have said to my husband that I'll probably cool it with the fics once I've finished the dead should stay dead and am going to focus my creative energy on something original to see where that goes but there's still so much to go on the dead should stay dead..

that silly little fic has become like my baby, I want to write it all, flesh out the characters before the next Big Thing happens, I want to do my ideas justice but I also want to make sure there are people still in the fandom to read it once I get to that point

again I'm super tired it's the middle of the night and I'm rambling, I don't want to imply that anyone reading this should carry on reading something they don't enjoy, and I don't even think the number of people reading the fic has even gone down, I've just woken up this morning full of dread for the fandom changing because, fandom and interests wise, BJTM is kind of all I've got right now.

I didn't really belong to a fandom for years after BBC Sherlock ended and I realised while watching the 4th series that it wasn't that good there was just a very passionate fan base and that's what I likes (I know, I know), BJTM was the first thing I got really into for ages and the first thing I got really into while figuring out what it was that I got *really into* stuff (autism)

obviously no one has to stick around in a fandom for the benefit of a silly autistic fanfic author whos terrified of change, and please, please don't think that's what I'm implying or what I want

ughh idk what I'm even writing, I should probably just reach out more to people but doing that is scary without the buffer of a fic

I should also probably invest more time in doing stuff irl but I know that no hobby gives me the joy that writing gives me, like when I'm really vibing with something there really are few better things for me than being safe at home and writing

also maybe I should try to get into some other stuff but I don't really want to but equally I know the BJTM fandom isn't going to last forever I just.... 🙃

the silly musical and the silly community that has sprung up around it and making art and writing fics for it has saved me in so many ways I'm just scaaarrreedddd (and also tired and typing this at 4am so I might be being dramatic for nothing, plus I know I struggle with assuming any fleeting emotion is going to last forever, maybe I'll feel different in a weeks time idk)

anyway I'm going to try to get a little bit more sleep because I've got to be up for work at 6 for my actual grownup job that I should probably pay more attention to

(this is also totally not some way to subtly say I'm not going to finish the dead should stay dead BTW, I love that fic and I'm proud of what it is and what I've got planned for it, so to the people who are still reading please don't worry 💜)