#i fear it's bad

[baronessblixen]

On My Way To You

Season 6, angst(ish). They're driving and Scully is thinking about things. Like getting out of the car or not getting out of the car.

Wc: 1,597.

(written for Year of the OTP. The words I used for March are: road trip, fresh starts, acceptance)

Tagging @today-in-fic

There are no road signs to determine where they’re going. It’s just like Scully wanted it to be. She glances to her side where Mulder is fast asleep, his body at a strange angle. The sight puts a smile on her face, despite knowing he will complain about a crick in his neck later when he wakes up. Her hand flies to her own neck where the tension sits, spreading out. For once, it’s not a case. For once, they haven’t had to risk their health or their lives. A run-of-the-mill case, the only oddness its ordinariness.

Earlier, when she said she wanted to drive, Mulder handed over the keys without a single complaint. Long gone are the days where he shot her a questioning look, reluctant to part with the keys. Or maybe he’s noticed her subdued mood, her clipped answers. How often she’s stared into the distance these last few days, her thoughts everywhere except with their case. If he did notice, he didn’t mention it. But he let her drive, leaning his head against the headrest, and closing his eyes. Trusting her.

“What if we take a little detour?” She asked as they passed the town sign, half hoping he was already asleep.

“Hm?” He replied and by the rustling she heard, she knew he had turned his head to her. “Where are we going?”

She took her time answering, staring straight ahead. “I don’t know,” she said truthfully.

“Okay,” was all Mulder said. “Wake me if you get tired.”

“I won’t.”

He made a non-committal noise before he touched her thigh. She didn’t startle, his touch and his warmth welcome. “Wake me,” he said again. “I want to know where we end up.” He grinned at her before he resumed his original position.

That was hours ago, and they haven’t said a word since. Mulder’s breathing is even; she’s glad he’s catching up on sleep, knowing he never gets enough. For a while, she listens to the radio. First a classic rock station, then classical music. If only her mind wasn’t so loud. She tries to drown out the voices that keep chattering. The scenes that keep repeating.

It happened last weekend. The moment she can’t stop thinking about. She knew something was different the second she walked into her mother’s house. The uneasiness stayed with her as she took off her coat, as her mother kissed her cheek, smiling so hard that her cheeks were red.

“I have a surprise for you,” she’d said and that’s when Scully knew for certain. The surprise wasn’t her brother Bill, who was standing in the kitchen with a beer, talking to another man and laughing. A knot appeared in her stomach and as if sensing her uneasiness, her mother took her hand and squeezed it.

“Dana,” she said. “This is Brandon.”

“Hi,” he said, grinning at her with perfect teeth.

“Hello,” she mumbled like a grumpy teenager forced to join the family downstairs.

“Brandon goes to my church and he’s- oh well, you two can talk amongst yourself!” She pushed Dana towards him and as if on cue, Bill Jr. nodded at the other man and walked out of the kitchen, leaving her and the stranger alone.

“I thought you knew,” Brandon said, sounding apologetic. “Your mother said you were, um, single. That you were looking for a fresh start, just like me. She said we should… meet. She didn’t tell you?”

“She didn’t.”

“Does that mean you’re not single?” The corners of his lips twitched, showing his disappointment.

“I’m…”

“She’s single,” Bill Jr. waltzed back in, exchanging his empty beer bottle with a fresh one. He offered another one to Brandon, too, who declined. He didn’t ask his sister and instead grinned at her. “Right, Dana? You’re single. You’re not married. There’s no one in your life. There’s just… your work.”

Fuck you, she thought. She would have said it if it hadn’t been for Brandon standing there.

“Brandon, tell her about yourself. You’re gonna love this, Dana.”

“I’m a veterinarian,” Brandon said, uncertainty in his voice. “I have a five-year-old daughter called Emily and-“

“Thank you, Brandon,” Scully said, tears stinging her eyes. Her brother was still grinning, making her wonder how he could be this cruel. For the first time ever since they were children, she felt violent towards him.

“That’s exactly what you want, isn’t it?” Bill Jr. kept going as if Brandon wasn’t there. “You want a family.”

“I came here to have dinner with my mom,” she said, turning to Brandon. “I’m sorry you were caught up in this.”

“Mom was trying to do you a favor.”

“It was nice to meet you, Brandon,” Scully said, ignoring her brother. Bill Jr. was on her heels when she fled the kitchen.

“Where are you going?”

“To tell mom I’m leaving.”

“You can’t just go.”

“Watch me.”

“Dana?” Her mother came into view, her eyes darting between her two children. “You’re leaving? I know, I know. I should have told you about Brandon. Bill said it would be better as a surprise.”

“Thank you, mom,” she said, hugging her mother. Despite everything, her mother’s arms felt safe and comforting. She squeezed her eyes shut, tightening her arms around her mother. “I can’t stay. I can’t-“

“You’re throwing everything away, Dana. First your career, now you’re running away. Why don’t you get to know Brandon first? He has a child, a stable job. You have to accept that you can’t go on like this. Risking your health and… Brandon wants to settle down.”

“But I don’t.” The moment she said it she realized it was true. When she said to Mulder that she wanted to get out of the car, she didn’t envision what her family so obviously envisioned for her. She thought she did. Only then did she understand that it wasn’t at all what she wanted. She didn’t want a Brandon, a ready-made family. As easy as it sounded. All she wanted, what she imagined was sharing her life with someone, going home with…

Mulder. It all came back to Mulder.  

Thinking back to that night, to leaving her mother there in the door, to her own realization, she has to fight back tears. Her mother has tried calling, has tried to apologize. Scully promised to call her back as soon as she got back home. Except that she doesn’t want to get back home, not yet. Maybe Mulder had the right idea all along. Keep going, keep driving.

“Are we there yet?” Mulder asks sleepily as if her thoughts have woken him up.

“Did I wake you?” She asks.

“My neck hurts,” he complains. “Where are we?”

“I have no idea. Does it matter?”

“You would tell me if something was the matter, right? I mean if it was something serious. Like… like what was wrong last year.” She hears the concern in his voice and feels his eyes on the side of her face.

“It’s not the cancer, Mulder. You can stop worrying about that.”

“So, this is just a regular road trip, huh? You won’t hear me complain. Kersh might but that makes it all the more exciting, doesn’t it?” He chuckles. “But I’m also here, you know,” he says, his voice gentler, the humor gone. “If you want to talk about whatever is making you go over the speed limit.”

“I’m not – oh.” She stares at the numbers there and takes her foot off the gas pedal until she’s just under the speed limit again. Mulder cracks open a sunflower seed, and the familiar noise helps her breathe more easily. She sees it now, what Mulder meant by saying that this is a life. It is their life. She doesn’t know about him, but she wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. She touches her neck, where the tension begins to ease.  

“Your neck giving you trouble too?” Mulder asks, as perceptive as ever.

“Just a bit,” she assures him. “We’ve been driving for a while.”

“Do you want me to take over?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Scully, it’s been hours. You must be tired.”

“I’m not.” That at least is not a lie, but Mulder’s eyes remain on her. She feels how worried he is, how much he wants to know what’s bothering her.

“At this rate,” he says, cracking another seed, “we could end up in Vegas. What do you think, Scully? Want to gamble away all your savings?”

“Maybe another time,” she says, a smile tugging at her lips. She’s thankful for the change in topic and Mulder’s attempt at humor.

“We could go see Elvis,” he goes on. “Or do you want to get married?”

He asks in jest. Of course, he does. And yet, and yet. Her heart leaps, her mind reels. What if? They’d still do this. Spend too many hours in cars, run into the darkness, and try to find the truth. But at the end of it all, they’d go home together, tear down that last wall between them, and share all of each other. Her mouth feels dry. She doesn’t want to get out of the car. She wants to stay in the car and keep doing this. With Mulder. Why not choose forever?

“Maybe I do,” she says, shooting him a look. She doesn’t expect the small smile around his lips. He doesn’t look surprised, no, he looks happy. He looks as if he’s been waiting for her answer for years.

“Then keep driving, G-Woman,” he says.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[kosmogrl]

the scary part about getting better is that there's this constant fear that things will go back to what they once were

[shyaringan]

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London

(day 1)

[regonold]

So during a wayne gala, there was a rouge attack shocker. It was by scarecrow he was planning to flood the ballroom with his gas

Unfortunately his bomb was shoddily put together and one of the cannisters holding the gas fell and landed in the hands of one danny fenton there with his godfather

Now unfortunately all anyone could do was watch as this gas can suddenly spayed gas in this young mans face who started looking panicked and backing up before spotting vlad and stopping

Suddenly this kid who seemed like he was seconds from running is now fucking growing and preparing to pounce on vlad???

And vlad just looks resigned as if he figured this would happen

[clawz-loopz]

They haven't even kissed yet. Somebody save them

[arielluva]

midsummer’s night dream redraw/study/whatever but its utenanthy

original reference under cut

[asterronomical]

Just two demons. hangin out....... this is what the inside of my brain looks like if ur wondering

[chloesimaginationthings]

Abby could befriend any animatronic from FNAF..

[pixlatedvampire]

It’s best to introduce your Hag slowly through the door first to not scare the others

[artkaninchenbau]

People keep on asking for more Baby Robin and Papadile so here is more Baby Robin and Papadile. Now never ask anything from me ever again

[kittyoperas]

yet another Davrin painting ft. some piercings I thought he’d look handsome with

[kaahmbem]

legend has it that the young witch circe and the once beautiful nymph scylla shared a complicated past...

[roxiusagi]

hes ballin.

i spent more time than originally expected on this stupid shitpost so on main it goes ig.

[bunubunss]

you opened a door that a kid shouldn't walk through

[inkskinned]

there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)

i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.

i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.

and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.

HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.

now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.

my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.

i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.

by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!

keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"

similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."

the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"

if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.

the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.

godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.

the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.