#i explained comics history to my mom and had to be like 'oh yeah batman's a child abuser'. wild. wtf

[dukeofthomas]

I'm so done with the way everyone avoids calling Bruce an abuser. 'He's a bad parent' 'he's flawed' 'what he did was kinda fucked up' call it what it is!! He's an abusive parent, no ifs or buts about it! He's not just a bad parent, he didn't just fuck up, he's their abuser. Loving your kids or wanting the best for them doesn't mean you won't hurt them and it doesn't excuse doing so, and I personally don't think it makes it even slightly better.

[dcarevu]

Batman TAS: Robin’s Reckoning (Part 1)

“That Grayson kid’s a real boy wonder!”

Episode: 32 Robin: Yes Writer: Randy Rogel Director: Dick Sebast Animator: Spectrum Airdate: February 7, 1993 Grade: A

These blogs have come out quite out of order, so looking back to Robin’s Reckoning has been a bitter-sweet experience. As I watch further and further through the series, going back to complete unfinished blogs is a huge pain in the ass. I just finished watching The Man Who Killed Batman, and then had to go back and cover an episode I saw a couple months ago. Ouch. Don’t even get me started on the comic books. I think I’ve released a blog for maybe one of those? But at the same time, I’m coming pretty close to actually being caught up on these posts again, and that feels really great! Just a few more to go! Robin’s Reckoning was the point where I realized that my schoolwork was too much to be able to continue this series for a while, so arriving here now finally gives me the feeling of accomplishment that completing my finals almost gave me.

Robin’s Reckoning is a stand-out episode in the series, and this is evident as soon as it starts. How I’ve missed talking about Spectrum’s work. After a sea of Akom and some subpar Dong Yang (mixed in with their better stuff), there is a magic and a fluidity that is impossible to take my eyes off of. The first scene gives us a dynamic fight on top of a building (currently under construction). Every hit almost sends one of the on-screen characters flying off, headed toward the traffic below. Nothing is stilted, and it is all paced perfectly. Batman is obviously the one in charge of the duo, but his parental side is pushed further than in previous Robin appearances. It feels a little bit weird to see Batman sending Robin away from the apprehended thug like a dad telling his son that there will be no more rides on the merry-go-round, but this is very important when it comes to what is going on in Batman and Robin’s heads. It turns out that this thug has information about Tony Zucco, the one responsible for the murder of Robin’s parents. We, of course, see this through a flashback.

As soon as the flashback starts, we are greeted with playful circus imagery, but it is all blanketed in shadows, and some absolute killer music accompanies it. When we see Dick Grayson as a little boy, his identity is revealed because of some woman going, “That Grayson kid’s a real boy wonder!” I like the use of a corny joke to establish where we are in time, and who we are looking at. It gives people who already know the Batman lore something to hold onto. We see that Grayson was a trapeze artist, together with his mom and his dad back in the early days of Batman’s crimefighting. This explains a lot of Robin’s acrobatic skills and his overall strength. But what about his desire to fight alongside Batman, defending the innocent? Well, see, this Tony Zucco guy is a real asshole, right? And because the circus refuses to pay him the money that he wants, he goes and sabotages the ropes used in the Graysons’ act. This causes both of Dick’s parents to fall to their deaths once enough weight is put on them. It’s pretty well known that originally, the team behind the show wanted to display the entire murder scene in full detail. The censors, of course, said, “Are you outta yo damn minds?” So they came up with a way around it, showing the Graysons’ silhouettes swing out of shot, and then the silhouette of a severed rope swing back into shot. It’s the perfect climax to the tension (no pun intended), but it really is quite a shocking moment. This probably gave more kids nightmares than what they originally concocted ever could. Imagine if we saw real life like a Batman TAS episode is directed.

Forgive me if I go a little bit out of order here, but Dick at this point is feeling incredibly guilty that he didn’t say anything to anyone about Tony Zucco being in the tent right before the show. There is also the problem of the police (including a younger, red-haired Gordon) thinking that Zucco may attempt to go after him, in order to shut him up about the incident. So he can’t stay with the circus, despite them being the closest thing he has to family. Because of this, we get a goodbye scene that may be short, but boy is it effective. Bruce Time notes on the commentary that the part with the elephant makes him cry, and it definitely almost made me tear up. Goodbyes are something that really get me emotional, and seeing a group of usually cheerful-looking waving to Dick for the last time (yeah, laugh it up, you immature goobers) accesses that part of me. It’s not all bad, though, because Bruce’s mansion is Dick’s new destination, and, well, the rest if kinda history, no? The next section of the episode focuses on Dick attempting to adjust to such a lonely, empty place, while Bruce is constantly gone on “work meetings”. Of course, by “work meetings”, I mean trying to beat the shit out of Tony Zucco, wherever he may be hiding. During what is possibly one of the best Batman-segments yet on the show, there is no music, only the sound of guns, blows being thrown, and the night. We also get to see one of Batman’s old costumes, which features a different belt, no yellow around the bat, and other slightly different aspects. It looks kinda similar to his costume that we’ll see later in the DCAU. During this scene, Batman tries to hunt down Zucco, who is hiding at his uncle’s house. He is terrified when Batman pays a visit, but then acts all cocky once Batman leaves, teasing his uncle about how “well” he handled Batman. Of course, once they both realize that Batman is still outside, that fear sets in again, and I love listening to the voice actor go from such a punchable voice to one that is in full panic mode. In the end, Zucco manages to escape Batman’s grasp, and from what I gathered, that’s the last time he was seen in Gotham city…until present-day.

Robin uses Batman’s computer to figure out that Tony Zucco is back, and gets enraged. I don’t blame him. Ever since he was a kid, he’s been wanting a piece of Zucco. Now, not only is Batman treating him kinda like a child, but he’s trying to keep Robin out of this very personal situation. Why? Well, we’ll have to find out next episode, won’t we?

Episode leaving us hanging like...

I can’t think of a single moment in this episode that I disliked. There were some smaller moments I didn’t mention, such as Bruce offering to take Dick to a game to cheer him up, or Bruce disguising himself as a lowlife during a gambling session to get info on Zucco. He oversteps his boundaries, and the others become immediately suspicious, attacking him. Bruce, of course, handles them quite easily, and then, on one of the thugs, we all of a sudden see the Batman shadow. It’s so badass, and Bruce’s persona he was playing during this moment was pretty legit too. I love the accent, especially when he says, “They say he’s got bat-problems.” Oh, and there’s a bit at the Flying Graysons flashback where we see a young Bruce Wayne in the audience (who does look a lot younger), and as the spotlight shines on him, he drops his popcorn and his drink in the most clumsy way possible. I honestly felt bad! But, yeah, I laughed.

Char’s grade: A Next time: Robin’s Reckoning (Part 2)

Full episode list here!

[cartoonfangirl1218]

This is my son

So in honor of YJ: Outsiders and the fact that we have an onscreen view of Amistad. Here is a little fic I did ages ago of how Rocket may have introduced her son to the Team. Lots of info was taken from the comics since the show doesn’t explore Raquel’s past a lot. Hope you enjoy. 

Raquel sighed as she settled a fussy Amistad for bedtime. She had to read him three books by Dr. Seuss and sing to him before his eyes even started to droop. He was a stubborn little boy, sorta like her. She gently rocked his blue cradle before turning off the lights to his room. 

She padded downstairs and glanced at the old Colonial grandfather clock. 11 pm. It was that late, maybe if she tried to really hard, she could write her economics proposal now, half of her History essay and then finish it in the morning along with her trigonometry homework. 

She shook her head as she thought over the coming morning, she'd have to do both essays right now especially if Amistad won't eat his food right away. It's a literal battle to feed him, and then get him out of the house to daycare. She hated the thought of dealing with him when he gets older. 

She settled on the living room couch spend out the books she needed and her laptop on her lap with a tray of coffee cups. 

She had crunched through the history essay. It was defiantly not her best but it would have to do, she'd settle for a C at the least. 

Then Augustus Freeman aka the superhero alien known as Icon came in. 

"Raquel you're still up?"

"No, I'm sleep-walking. Yes I'm still awake" Raquel snapped back sarcastically. 

"You do know that you have training with the Team tomorrow afternoon right?" Raquel groaned. 

The life of a teenage superhero. She recently joined a Team of teenage superheroes who no longer wanted to be treated as sidekicks. Batman (yes that freakin Batman!) was the one who assigned them black ops missions as they saved the world. 

Unlike some of the sidekicks like Robin or Aqualad, she had only become a superhero two years ago when she and her ex-boyfriend, Noble (the irony) had tried to steal some stuff from this old Colonial house that had been standing since the Civil War. 

While Noble looked for things to loot, she had been fascinated by the immense library the house had. She always loved to read and dreamed of becoming a writer, so that room was like a personal heaven for her. She wanted to just curl up on the old couch and look at the gleaming hardcover volumes. 

Then they saw the alien technology. 

Unfortunately they hadn't counted for the house to be occupied by a superhero. Augustus Freeman, lawyer by day but in reality a three thousand year old alien, the last of his kind as all aliens that crash land to Earth seem to be, who fought for justice. 

Though they had ran away that day, Raquel had returned to the house. 

She had been the one to convince Augustus to become a superhero. He was Batman. She was his Robin. Icon had initially refused, but she kept needling him until he had decided to give it a go. 

The city sure needed them as heroes. Dakota City may not be a Gotham in terms of danger, but there was plenty of violence and injustice that needed to be righted.  

It had been a tense first months since Icon was so damn conservative and analytical while she was more impulsive, liberal and action-oriented. But they eventually made their partnership turn into a smooth in sync team. 

Back back to her impulsive habits.

Something she wished she reined her impulsivity earlier. That same impulsiveness led her to agree to having sex with Noble. Their relationshop didn't last, him being an asshole had a major part to do with it. What did last was the fact that she had gotten pregnant. 

Raquel never felt so miserable in her life. The taunts and the whispers and the same old comment, "Oh she's from Paris Island what did you expect?" 

Abortion had been an option, Augustus highly advised it, and Noble even gave her the money to do it when he found out the news. But she quite obviously didn't get an abortion. 

She asked and asked around for opinions and the answer was always "Yes, get one" but she had felt disappointed by that. She finally realized that disappointed was that she had wanted someone to say "No, keep the baby" because she, she wanted to see this through and have a baby. Not the smartest decision in the world, but it was her's nonetheless. 

Despite his disapproval, Augustus had been very helpful when she had been pregnant. He dealt with her food cravings and mood swings, and buying baby stuff, reading parenting books and eventually with the labor. Amisted's middle name was Augustus in honor of her mentor, and she had asked him to be the godfather. 

Her friend, Denise even stood in as Rocket for her while her baby bump started to show. Make that ex-friend. The girl ran off with Noble awhile later, insisting "He changed." So what? You don't date the ex that got your friend pregnant, it is a common friendship rule! She hoped they gave each other syphilis.

Eventually she settled into a routine of taking care of Amisted in the mornings, drop him off at daycare, go to school, take care of him until he fell asleep and then do homework at whatever hour at night. In the weekends it had been easier since she could spend the whole doing Mommy and Me stuff with Amistad and more leisure time while he napped. 

Then she joined the Team, and things started to go a bit downhill. Besides the missions, they had required training sessions with Black Canary, and strategic planning with Captain Atom. And then, Miss Martian, such a sweetheart, always had plans for Team bonding time. It was a bit stressful with work and such, not that the team members didn't get that, they went to regular school too. But... She hadn't told them she had a son. 

It's been four months now, and they had no clue. Just as she wanted. It had been a struggle, with the lies on why she was so tired, her refusals to join Team bonding (on account of being needed at home), her worry during overnight missions (IT WAS OVERNIGHT, WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN TO AMISTAD WHEN SHE'S GONE!!). She'd saying that she was babysitting her baby brother, but Robin was starting to question why she was always babysitting when her parents could do that. 

There was one embarrassing incident, that she had fallen asleep next to Wally, when she heard the alarm, mistaken it for the baby monitor and started rocking Wally's head like how she usually rocked Amsted when he was crying. That involved a very interesting yet lame explanation about her Rosemary's Baby inspired dream.  

It's just she always swore to herself that she wouldn't be the kind of teen mom that let all things go. That she failed at school, hardly cared for her child and did whatever she wanted. She did want to get straights As and be a good mother. She loved Amistad more than she loved anyone else in the whole world and the thought of someone trying to harm him made her want to kill. But it was all so stressful. 

"You know, Raquel I'm sure they would understand.." Augustus started to say, 

"Don't finish that sentence" Raquel scowled. 

They had been having this argument ever since she joined the Team. "Just tell them you have a son, they'll be understanding." Augustus insisted. 

Oh, no they wouldn’t. They're teenagers. No offense to her own kind but teens are very critical. And she did't want to further the stereotype that girls from the 'hood' were sluts that had babies and nothing else to show for the life.

Okay, yes she was from the hood and yes, she had a baby but that was where the parallels stopped!

Besides she wanted so badly to impress the Team with her maturity and bravery and just general heroics. The whole having a son thing would kind of ruin it. 

Oh and ruin any possible love life. 

Most boys at her school avoided her like a plague and those who didn't. Well they thought she was so easy because she had a child. Perverts. 

She hated school for all the people and the Team was the only place she wasn't judged. Sure, she wasn't spending so much time hanging out with them as she would like too but she still appreciated hanging out with them. They were chill, and mature and they understood all the grey in life. 

Grey like death, cloning, discriminations, things out of their control. They couldn't be blamed for being a White Martian, or raised by villains or having to kill people.  

But grey situations like teen pregnancy hadn’t been out of her control. It had been her own stupid decision and there wasn't anyone to blame but herself. 

"Raquel, they've been through a lot. They won't judge you so harshly." 

"Yes they will" Raquel muttered bitterly. 

"Raquel please think about it. It would be a lot easier on yourself. You could take Amistad to the Cave, and I'm sure Red Tornado could take care of him while you're on missions, I'll help of course. Please consider it." 

Raquel didn't know why, but she was tired of hearing the same explanation of why she should tell. Augustus didn’t understand. It wasn’t like he went to work where people stared at him as if he were trash. He didn’t have to deal with the mothers gossiping about him when he picked Amistad up from daycare. He didn't have to explain to Amistad, why no one wanted to go on playdates with him. 

"No, I cannot tell the Team, I just can't! Once I tell them, they’ll think I'm just another idiot that sleeps around. I have been trying so hard to go to school, and take care of Amistad, and live a normal life. But I can't! Sometimes I just wish he hadn't been born. Then I feel like a horrible mother because I do love him, I love him, he's he's my baby boy but it's it's... 

I mean yeah, I always talk about how the Team is so mature and how they’ve been through stuff, but they wouldn't understand this. They're still teenagers. They’re gonna be like the kids at my school, offering me condoms and sending notes on HOW TO USE a condom. 

You’ve got to believe me I did use one. I just didn't know how put it on okay. No one teaches you how to do that. They just say use it and you'll be safe. Well that didn’t worked did it? 

The team cannot accept me. They won't. I'll spell it out for you. My own parents didn't accept me. They took me to the hospital, confirmed I was pregnant, and left me. They left me in the hospital and drove away. I spent three days in that hospital with nurses pitying me or scolding me on how I could have done this to myself and how I ruined my life!" Raquel shouted.

After those three days in the hospital, she had gone to Augustus’ house in tears and explained what happened. He had offered for her to live in the third floor of the old mansion and that's where she had stayed. 

Eventually, months later, with a lot of prodding from Augustus she decided it was time to face her parents and confront them for what they did to her.  She told him that they had refused to see her, but it didn't exactly go that way. 

"And that time I told you I would face my parents after what they did to me. I lied. I didn't see them at all. I mean I was going to, but they weren't home. My sister, Denise was. And she was so surprised and happy. Know why? 

Because my parents told him I was dead."

Augustus stared at her in horror which only made her talk faster to get the whole awful explanation over with. 

"They said that on that day they drove me to the hospital. They collided with a car and it burst into flames. They couldn't have my funeral because they didn't know which ashes were mine.

They went through so much trouble pretending to grieve and needing their privacy and lied to my sister about it. 

How could I face them after hearing that! 

My own parents would want me dead then have to admit to having a teen mom.

My own parents who were suppose to love me unconditionally, left me! That's why I can't tell the Team. I mean if my own parents who cared for me for 13 years want me dead then how can people I know for less than 7 months ever understand." Raquel slammed her laptop shut and stomped up to her room where she fell onto her bed, crying. 

It had felt good to let it out in the open. The whole thing with parents had bothered her. 

She agonized over it for days afterward as. And for a short period, she acted extra nice to Augustus, in case he ever decided it was stupid to keep taking care of her. Until she realized he would never do that. Sure, he could be critical of her choices but he wasn't heartless. 

They developed a respect for one another. He had became her grandfather figure. Plus she was pretty sure if he hadn't ran for the hills after she gave birth to Amisted, he wasn't going to leave any time soon. 

Agustus entered her room a few minutes later, cautiously knocking on the door before he sat at the edge of her bed. 

"Raquel, I'm sorry about your parents." He whispered softly. 

"S'okay. I've gotten over it." Raquel mumbled to her pillow. 

"I promise I won't badger you to talk to the Team about Amistad." He told her.  

"Thank you" Raquel sighed, turning over to face him. He looked so grim and forbidding in the moonlight. It was so unlike him to her. She was used to seeing  the soft smile that she had seen wear when he played with her son. To her, he was far too compassionate and mellow to be intimidating. 

He let out a deep exhale, his large hand ruffling her cropped hair affectionately. "You must know, not everyone is going to leave you for your mistakes. You are a very smart lady, and you have been a better mother to Amistad starting at 14 than many have been starting at 30. I think we've both learned a lot life lessons from taking care of him. He brings a certain liveliness to the house, and I'm never been prouder to be called Uncle Auggy." 

Raquel gave a thin smile, "And what about my parents?”  

"I can't condone what they did, Raquel. But I promise I will not do that to you. I'll even fight Batman myself if he or the Team thinks less of you for this. You are more than your mistakes. It’s what you have done to fix them and improve yourself that makes you a good person. You haven't lost your drive, your integrity or your spirit, and you are willing to make sacrifices for your child. If the Team can't see that. You should feel that they are less than you instead of the other way around." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------—————The next afternoon at training, Raquel kept glancing nervously at the door. 

After her talk with Augustus yesterday and a long restless night, no thanks to Amistad’s latest nightmares about It. She and come to the decision that she would finally tell the team. She agreed with Augustus that she should stop pinning shame onto herself and she should judge the Team for their reaction. 

Also she knew what harm secrets had done to the Team, and it was unfair that she knew so much of their struggles and they didn't know hers.

Besides she remembered his other points, it would make life a whole lot easier for her if the other members took turns to take care of him. It wasn’t like everyone was going to react like her parents. 

Worse case scenario would be that she got kicked out of the Team. Augustus leaves the League. Then they both would be banned from ever super-heroing again.

Okay that was probably an exaggeration. 

But then again, Batman could do anything. Especially if he got angry that she lied to him.

With those doubts swirling in her head, Raquel didn't feel like a good idea any more, and was trying to think of a way to contact Augustus before he entered the Cave. 

I should leave. I'll stop them before they even enter. This is stupid. I'm right. What kind of person WOULDN'T judge a teen mom. They're all gonna think I'm a slut! Why would that want to work with a slutty superhero? I'm going to get kicked out for sure.

She glanced at the zeta-beams, wondering if she could make her escape before anyone would notice. 

Just then the computer announced,  "Entering Icon A-14. Entering Unknown Person" 

Raquel let out a silent moan. Here comes the judgement day.

The whole Team, and Back Canary looked questioningly at the two entering. 

"Awww Rocket, is this your baby brother?" Zatanna asked.

Icon pried a nervous Amisted clinging from his leg, handing him to her told and and went to talk to Black Canary about the situation. 

Raquel bit back an instinctive aww as Amistad tried hiding his face into her shoulder. He was just so adorable! 

"He's so cute!" Miss Martian squealed. 

"I guess he's cute" Superboy grunted. 

Raquel took a deep, shuddery breath "Uh well...That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I haven't been entirely honest with you about my home life and the exact way we are related. You see, Amistad isn’t my brother. 

They stared at her questioningly. 

"He's my son," They stared at her in silence with confused looks on Miss Martian and Superboy's faces. The others gave embarrassed glances at her. 

"I don't get it. Aren't you only 16?" Miss Martian asked innocently, Raquel nodded reluctantly. 

More staring. This was as awkward as she feared. They were never going to treat her the same way again. Forget getting kicked out, she might have to quit. She wouldn't be able to deal with this kind of silence and pitying stares aimed her. 

Since it seemed like her announcement had stunned them into muteness she decided to make an exit. "So, yeah. That’s my big..secret. I should be going." 

She turned to leave when Wally zoomed in front of her. "Can I hold him?" 

Raquel was so surprised that she almost dropped Amistad. Hold him? No one ever held him, but her and Icon. 

Yet she saw the sincerity in Wally's eyes, and the encouraging smile, nodding at her to say yes. No one had ever looked at her that way after they realized her teen mom status. No one ever looked so eager to hold her son. 

"Yeah, um here you go.” She placed Amistad in his arms, and corrected the way to hold him. 

"Hey Amistad, it's your Uncle Wall-man. We are gonna have a blast when you get older" Wally said holding out a finger for Amistad to grab. 

"Wall-e?" Amistad asked, wonder and amazement streaking across his face, making him look even more adorable in Raquel’s eyes. 

"No, no not the robot. I'm the greatest speedster of all time. Superhero of this Earth. I save the day with charm, and wit and the amazing power of science!" Wally gestured exaggeratedly.

Raquel smiled at him. She never been so grateful for the hungry speedster in her life. 

"Thank you" she mouthed to him, and he mouthed back "No problem," as he continued detailing his amazing exploits to the boy who was clearly going to idolize him when he got older. 

Slowly the others gathered around them.

"Is he gonna be visiting more often? I have the perfect bat light he'll love." Robin said. 

"We can be like his honorary aunts and uncles," Zatanna chimed in, cooing at him.  "That would be great, that would be really great.” Raquel smiled, feeling like she was starting to truly become apart of the Team’s ragtag family at last. 

[onebourbon-oneshot-onetear]

Aquatica

Chapter 9- Christmas Eve

I do not own D.C Comics, and I only own my OC and my versions of the plots.

Christmas used to be my favorite time of year. When I was really young I always loved coming home after school, backpack full of Christmas crafts that I had made during recess. Mom used to hang them up all over the house, saying that they made our house feel like home. My sister never really got into the Christmas spirit like I did. I always helped my mom decorate the house and made sure that cookies were made, a tree was decorated, and everything was ready for when Santa came. My sister helped a little, but she was never as enthusiastic as I was. My dad used to call me his little Christmas elf, because I helped so much with everything.

After they died, I couldn't find it in me to celebrate it anymore. The warmth that the holiday used to fill me with was replaced with a chill that I couldn't make go away. I usually spent Christmas with a different foster family, and was never the same as being with my actual family. Seeing all the warm lights that decorated people's houses reminded me that my parent's house now had a different family in it, and it probably looked completely different. The smell of cookies baking gave me flashbacks of my mom and I in the kitchen, and it always made me sad. The entire holiday season just reminded me of how alone I was. That's how, on this Christmas Eve, I found myself wandering around the empty streets of Gotham.

At first I was sitting in my apartment reading, but I couldn't focus on the words. My mind was wandering to a past that I didn't want to remember. I decided to bundle myself up and go for a walk. Sure, it was freezing, but because of my powers the cold didn't bother me as much as it did other people. I put my dark blue pea coat over my tan sweater, threw on a pair of low heeled boots, and headed outside.

I wasn't really paying that much attention to where I was going, and soon I found myself in one of the sketchier parts of downtown. Even some of the run down houses had a few Christmas lights up. I ignored them and kept walking. I stopped at a corner and looked across the street and noticed a small bar that was open.

It may not have been the most responsible decision, but I decided that I might as well try and drown some of my sorrows in alcohol. I walked into the bar and let the heat wash over me, a nice contrast to the freezing cold that was outside. I shrugged my jacket off and hung it up on a hook by the door. Scanning the bar I realized that it was mostly empty, the only exception being a few people sitting at a table in the corner, and a broad shouldered, dark haired man sitting at the bar.

I made my way over to the bar and sat on a stool a few seats down from the dark haired man, not really caring enough to spare him a glance. The bartender walked over and asked what I wanted. "Bourbon on the rocks, please," I replied, running my hand through my wavy hair.

"Bad day?" he asked.

"Something like that," I said.

He put the glass of ice in front of me and poured the bourbon in. "Thanks," I said, raising the glass up in a small toast. I took a sip of the brown liquid and shivered a bit as it burned going down.

"I didn't take you for a bourbon kind of girl."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I turned, about to tell this guy that he didn't know a thing about me, when I finally noticed the familiar black hair and really strong jaw line. "Bruce?" I asked, my jaw falling open in shock.

Bruce Wayne chuckled and sent me a smirk. "Hello Evie," He said, holding up his own glass of brown liquid.

"W-what are you doing here?" I stuttered still in complete shock that of all places in Gotham on Christmas Eve, Bruce Wayne would be sitting next to me in some crappy bar.

He stood up from his barstool and walked over next to mine. "Do you mind if I sit down?"

"Um, no. Of course not," I said, pulling the stool out for him.

"Thanks," He said sending a small smirk my way. He sat down and downed the rest of his glass. "I think the question here is, what are you doing here on Christmas Eve?"

I could see that he was avoiding the question and I sent him a smirk of my own. "I believe that I asked you first."

He chuckled, and shook his head. "Yes. Yes you did." The bartender came over and refilled his glass. Bruce swirled the brown liquid around in his glass and stared down at the counter. "The holidays aren't necessarily my favorite time of year," he said quietly. The atmosphere between us suddenly seemed a lot sadder. I felt a little guilty asking him about it. Everyone knew that Bruce's parents were killed when he was younger. He was probably here for the same reason I was.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I said, taking another sip of my drink. He glanced up at me, his brows were furrowed and I knew he was silently asking what I meant. I took a deep breath and blew the air through my nose. "My parents and sister died when I was twelve. We were in a car accident. Christmas isn't easy for me either."

Bruce was silent for a minute. "I'm sorry," he finally said. I couldn't help but snort into my glass.

"I should probably apologize too. I shouldn't have pushed the subject for you either." I looked up at him to see a small smile on his face.

"It's fine. It isn't like you don't know my history anyway. Everyone does. I figured you would since you grew up in Gotham." He must have seen my face fall because his eyes widened and he quickly said, "Don't worry, it's okay. I've had a long time to get used to it."

I relaxed a bit, relieved that I wasn't offending him any. I thought about how he knew that I was from Gotham. I took another sip of my drink and figured that I had mentioned it the last time that we had met.

I decided to change the subject away from our dead families. "Okay, I can understand wanting a drink, but that doesn't explain why you are in a crappy place like this. You could afford anywhere in Gotham, and I'm sure there are other places open that are much better than this."

Bruce merely shrugged. "I know the owner. He keeps the photographers away and in return I get him some of the good stuff," He said, holding up his glass.

"Hm, that's pretty smart."

Bruce smirked again, "Yeah, I have my moments." We sat in silence for a few moments before the clock in the corner of the room chimed 11. I hadn't realized just how late it was.

"Well, I should probably go," I said, setting my money on the counter and standing up. "Who knows when I'll need to be up tomorrow."

Bruce stood up and put a fifty dollar bill on the counter. "Here, let me walk you home."

"You don't have to. It's only a twenty minute walk. Besides, I'm a superhero. I don't think there is anything here that I can't handle," I joked. Bruce shrugged his jacket on and gave me a look that said he wasn't going to let me go alone. "Alright, whatever."

After putting on my coat, we walked out of the bar and headed in the direction of my apartment. "I meant to ask you something," I said.

"Go ahead."

"Do you remember when we first met? At the bookstore?" I asked, looking up at him.

He chuckled, "Yes, you ran into me and then fell."

I felt my cheeks go red and I cleared my throat. "Yeah, anyway. You started calling me Evie that day, but I never told you that I went by that. I only told you my name was Evelyn."

He faltered in his steps for a second and sent me a wide eyed glance. He cleared his throat and looked up the street. "Oh, well, I guess I just heard it from somewhere. That's all."

I quirked an eyebrow, not quite believing the billionaire walking next to me. "Mhmm, sure…"

Bruce looked over at me, "I swear!" I studied his super handsome face for a few seconds before deciding to drop the conversation. If he didn't want to tell me than I certainly wasn't going to be able to make him.

I thought of both instances where Bruce and I had been together. He seemed to have popped up out of nowhere and he has quite a good bit of knowledge about me. I remembered the night that Batman had put me to bed in the Watchtower. At the time I had thought that the two men had been similar, though I believed it was due to the concussion I had that I made that connection. Now, after spending enough time with both of them I could see even more similarities.

No way, Bats isn't Bruce Wayne, I thought. I mean, Bruce is a loaded billionaire, and Bats is a superhero…who probably needs a lot of money for his equipment…and their smirks are similar…and Bruce does know a lot about me…

"You know, I have a friend that reminds me of you," I said, shoving my hands in my pockets, figuring that I would see if I could get a reaction out of Bruce. "He likes to answer questions with other questions, he is always soo mysterious, and you two have quite a similar smirk."

Bruce completely stopped walking this time and he turned to look at me. "Really? Does this friend have a name?"

"I'm sure he does, but I don't actually know it. I only know his, well, I guess you could call it a nickname," I said, looking up at his really dark eyes. Something seemed to flash in them, but it quickly disappeared.

"Well, if he's like me then he must be a really great guy," Bruce said, giving me another of his famous smirks.

I hesitated before smiling and nodding. "Yeah, he really is." We walked in silence for a few more minutes and I tried sorting my thoughts. Okay, look Evelyn. Just because both men have similar characteristics does not mean that they are the same person. And if they are the same person then they will tell you when they want to, so stop being a bother.

I shook myself out of my thoughts when I noticed we were at my building. "Oh, we're here," I said as I stopped walking. Bruce seemed to have come out of his thoughts as well, because he looked a bit startled.

"Oh, so we are. Well, I guess this is goodnight," He said, stopping in front of the steps of my building.

"I guess it is," I replied as I turned around on the first step. Now I was at the same height as Bruce. "Thanks for walking me home," I quietly said while tucking some of my hair behind my ear. I could feel a heat creeping up on my cheeks and I bashfully looked down at my boots.

Before I could react I felt something soft on my cheek, and I realized that Bruce had leaned over and gave me a quick peck on it. "Merry Christmas, Evie." He said, stepping off my stairs and onto the sidewalk.

My blush felt like it was on fire as I tried to fight the giant grin that was making my way onto my face. "Merry Christmas, Bruce." I said. He started walking away when I called out to him. "Are you okay walking by yourself?"

He let out an actual laugh this time and turned around. "Don't worry, I think I'll be fine." I let out a quiet laugh and gave him a small wave, which he returned. I turned around and went into my building, up the stairs, and unlocked my front door. I made my way through the dark room and changed into my pajamas. Then I climbed into bed, and laid awake for a few hours, thinking about what I thought I had found out; Bruce Wayne could be Batman.

[elizas-writing]

Do Not Let Joss Whedon Touch My Girls: Featuring an Analysis of His Scrapped Wonder Woman Script

With the mass success of Wonder Woman, hopes rose back up for the future of female-led comic book movies. But the worry may settle back in with news of Joss Whedon to direct, write, and produce a Batgirl film for the DC Extended Universe (and he’s already on board with Justice League’s post-production writing and directing). Why does this matter? Well, it turns out once upon a time, Whedon was originally set to write and direct Wonder Woman over a decade ago, but left the project in 2007 due to creative differences. And just last month, his scrapped script was leaked online, and to be brutally honest, it’s shit. Easily one of the worst things I’ve read, and I had to read Twilight for the first time in a college class.

I already lost trust in Whedon as a good writer, especially with what he pulled in Avengers: Age of Ultron, so this script just doesn’t help my trust at all. And here I am to tear it apart, because dammit, someone’s gotta do it.

DISCLAIMER: I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT THAT BUFFY AND FIREFLY WERE GOOD

Okay, for some reason, any time someone brings up that Whedon is a bad writer, I always see at least one person with severely unhealthy geek loyalty go “But what about Buffy and Firefly?” I don’t give a shit, because that’s not what I’m talking about. What matters for this piece is how Whedon handles women in comic book films, especially in the recent years. I’m sure if you rewatch something like Buffy now, you’ll find some of the feminism that was groundbreaking for the late 90s/early 2000s to be dated by 2017 standards. Times change fast, and so do audience expectations. No writer is without flaws or above criticism, and I hate people trying to blindly defend them even when their writing is so painfully awful. Do you watch Pixels and defend Adam Sandler because he did 50 First Dates? Do you watch The Last Airbender and defend M. Night Shyamalan for The Sixth Sense? I don’t think so. Please set aside the geek loyalty for once and have some capacity for critical analysis. I know most of y’all learned it in your high school English classes.

Part I: Damage to MCU

Now I want to preface this as to why I’m especially bitter about Whedon as a writer. And what better place to start than his work with the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Before Whedon went to work with DC, he was with Marvel Studios and wrote and directed the monster hit and fifth highest grossing film of all time, The Avengers. He went on to create Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, write and direct Avengers: Age of Ultron, and creatively consult with other MCU films. Unfortunately, Age of Ultron spurred fury from audiences with an ever-so unnecessary and forced romance between Bruce Banner (Hulk) and Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow) where the only thing they have in common is sterility, so they can be satisfied on a fulfilling relationship without babies. Did anyone proofread this and tell Whedon this was awkward and creepy? Not to mention there was little to no precedence since the first film clearly established the strong distrust between the two?

And any potential for Black Widow being a compelling character was just thrown out the window. That great monologue from Loki confronting her about the “red in [her] ledger” in Avengers? The possible repercussions from her leaking all of S.H.I.E.L.D’s secrets, including her dark past, to the whole world in Captain America: The Winter Soldier? Her fear of losing her friends because of the crimes she committed? “Love is for children?” Nope! Let’s focus all of her problems on her sterility and not on the fact that she was never given a choice to begin with! Goodbye continuity and goodbye Black Widow movie!

But just as insulting is reducing the character of Wanda Maximoff (Scarlet Witch). Not only did they erase her Jewish-Romani heritage AND have her volunteer for Neo-Nazi experiments, but all her complex mental health issues and her reality-bending powers are diminished to “she’s weird.” She has little to no development, looks more child-like than anything (by God, how old is Wanda supposed to be in this universe anyway?), and she honestly reads more like a discount River Tam. And this affected her in future films as Captain America: Civil War doesn’t bother to develop her further beyond her instability and ends with her in a straight-jacket. Classy.

So with this in mind, you can imagine the animosity of the idea of Whedon trying to tackle a female-led superhero film again with another comic book movie universe. Somewhere he lost his touch, or, as we soon find out, he probably wasn’t a good writer to begin with.

Part II: Joss Whedon’s Wonder Woman AKA Steve Trevor: The Movie

Whether or not this draft was even close to being the final script for the project way back when, I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, because as is, it’s pretty damn awful. This was the same guy who gave us Buffy? Wow. Plus it feels appropriate to talk about it now given the successful release of Wonder Woman as directed by Patty Jenkins and compare what we got versus what could have happened.

For starters, why “AKA Steve Trevor: The Movie” you may ask? Well, one of the biggest problems of this script is that it’s mostly from the perspective of Diana’s love interest, not, you know, the title character. All the background of the Amazons is reduced to just five sentences in the beginning, and they take up only the first 20 or so pages of the 116 page script. Their past is never further explained, you don’t get to know any of these women-- who are described as “almost inhuman” (7)--, and Diana is severely underdeveloped. She talks on about what she really should be and how she can be more than what she is, but that’s all we get. She never gets a backstory or a solid reason to leave Themyscira besides following this man she just met because Athena must have sent him for her. She even seems estranged from her mother for being rule breaker (even though Diana is in the right), and they never talk about their problems or resolve anything in the end.

But no, instead of creating positive female interactions, we have all the time in the world devoted to Steve Trevor and, oh my fucking god, he’s just the most insufferable douche canoe in the history of ever. He’s a constant downer and always talks down to Diana for her curiosity and compassion. And there was enough to make a list of all the awful things he says to her (with some context of course):

Page 17, when Diana wants to learn more about Steve because she sees his arrival as a sign: “So my imminent death is, wow, all about you.”

Page 17-18, Steve tries dropping the subject and ushering Diana out: “I’ll call you. I mean it. Let’s keep in touch.... ‘Let’s keep in touch’ is American for get the hell out of my face.”

Page 18, Diana STILL wants to understand Steve: “Can’t. Is that another new word for you? Means ‘are unable to.’”

Page 18, A man and woman bickering must mean they’re in love cliche: “You and I have nothing in common.”

Page 19, What the actual fuck: “Your mom is Queen of Crazy Town but she’s right to be scared. You wanna stay as far away from the real world as possible. They’d eat you alive, Princess.”

Page 27, An Amazon warrior who’s trained since childhood has to stay hidden from a warlord: “You’re not ready to deal with these people. No offense.”

Page 57, If I had to read this whole paragraph, so do you (also, teeheehee he was sitting on the lasso of truth by accident): “I think you’re dangerous. I think you mean well but you’re looking for trouble and you’re wildly adept at finding it. I think you’ve got delusions of grandeur and some actual grandeur, which is confusing. I don’t like confusing. I hate the fact that I’m so attracted to you, just touching you is overwhelming and I keep hoping you’ll turn around so I can see more of you naked.”

Page 58, Whedon apparently forgot to add dismantling toxic hypermasculinity to his brand of feminism: “There’s a reason men don’t like to talk about their feelings.”

Page 83, Didn’t we just have a montage of Diana SAVING PEOPLE: “And it never occurred to you that you’re the reason it’s getting worse?”

Page 83, Again, THERE WAS A MONTAGE OF HER SAVING PEOPLE: “We’re human beings, Diana, and that’s something you will never understand.”

Page 84, Oh, my fucking, god: “You’re not a hero, Diana. You’re a fucking tourist.”

So, yeah, Steve Trevor just gets increasingly worse as the story progresses and has no idea how to talk to Diana without criticizing the most mundane things she does. And she just lets him get away with saying this, and he always seems to have the last word like somehow he’s always right! Pretty much every adaptation of Diana shows a woman who is the last person you’d fuck with because she could kill you in an instant if she wanted to. Hell, in a Justice League comic issue, Batman just keeps an empty box of Wonder Woman’s weakness as a dramatic reveal that she has little to no weaknesses.

If Whedon actually bothered to give a damn about her character, Steve would have figured out after the first insult to shut his mouth.

To make it worse, the unnecessary arguing is solely used to promote the stupid idea that if a man and a woman argue, it must mean they’ll be a couple in the end, which is a stupid, god awful trope and doesn’t make for a realistically healthy relationship. Yes, Diana and Steve still argued in the 2017 movie, but they were realistic arguments about their conflicting ideologies about war, saving people, and human nature. And neither of them were wrong, so they spend most of the movie trying to meet halfway with each other. But instead of compelling dilemmas like that, Whedon just made it all about Steve and his inferiority complex and only gives him a sad backstory. I didn’t give two shits about this guy; I was waiting for Strife to just kill him.

The villains felt like a last-minute addition to give the plot conflict after only about forty pages. Honestly, I zoned out and do not remember the specifics outside of destroying Gateway city just cause and some commentary about gentrification. I was already so pissed off with the rest of the script that I couldn’t be bothered to care about the villains, their motivation or the fate of Gateway City.

Oh, and remember the awesome stuff Diana did like running through No Man’s Land, flipping an armored truck, and leaping building to building? Fuck that shit! After one bullet to the chest, she’s knocked unconscious for six hours! And later on, Strife drops a building her which renders her unconscious again! Both times afterwards, she wakes up half-naked to Steve treating her wounds which is just freaking creepy. She’s constantly put in the male gaze while also being called a whore and bitch about five times, has to do a sensual dance to see Bacchus where all these men just stare at her, BUT also seems to be horrified seeing a run down Gateway city with sex workers galore (okay, weren’t the Greeks pretty open about sexuality? How is this shocking to Diana?).

There’s also a far too long drawn out scene where Diana gives up to save Steve, who is anything but redeemable, and spends about ten pages in the middle of a jungle weak and defenseless because apparently Whedon wanted to keep the whole “if her wrists are bound, she loses her power” bullshit as an excuse to give her a low point. It comes out of nowhere, and I don’t even know much about this version of Diana to really care; I just want to finish reading this terrible script already.

I just keep thinking of all the bad ass, rocking scenes of Diana in the movie we got, and her being reduced to weakness and submission because bullshit reasons is completely out of character. It’s almost like Whedon never sat down and actually fucking analyzed a Wonder Woman comic in his life. Watching this...

and this...

AND THIS (you see the point I’m making yet?)

... and reading Whedon’s Mary Sue version of Wonder Woman is like comparing the action in 300 to the action in The Last Airbender. Anything interesting he could have incorporated from the comics or other TV/film adaptations into his script and save the bad writing was tossed out the window, and as a result, the titular character who’s supposed to be the protagonist, is obnoxiously one-dimensional. But hey Joss, at least you got to make a running joke how much she hates guns and make a throw away line about Aphrodite going crazy and getting plastic surgery (71)! GOOOOOD FOR YOOOOU.

Sigh... I don’t know what else to say folks. This is just awful writing, and thank God it never saw the light of day because it would have destroyed a great character. The only good this script did for me was that I appreciate the film we got way more, and am so thankful there was a team behind it that knew to treat their characters respectfully, tell a cohesive story, and rework cliches for an enjoyable experience. And it further cements why I don’t trust Whedon to so much as touch Batgirl or any female-led comic book films again, because I don’t put it past him to mess up character development like he did with Black Widow and Scarlet Witch and what he could have done to Wonder Woman.

And before you go “but wait Eliza,” need I remind you one of the last times we saw Barbara Gordon’s character grossly mishandled, she was only there to be paralyzed and sexually assaulted AND she and Batman fucked?

Yeah, I thought so. Let this GIF be a reminder what happens when no one steps in to tell their male coworkers this is a bad idea, especially in regards to female characters who are more complex than just being pretty and punching things. Give the reigns to someone besides Whedon or get a team that will criticize his bad characterization choices before he fucks another superheroine over.

[wbwest]

New Post has been published on WilliamBruceWest.com

New Post has been published on http://www.williambrucewest.com/2017/08/18/west-week-ever-pop-culture-review-81817/

West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 8/18/17

  I swear, as much as I love pop culture, some weeks it’s just really hard to pay attention to that stuff with everything going on in the world. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know about everything that went down in Charlottesville last weekend. I don’t need to recap it, but I’ve got to tell you that I’m scared. Yeah, we’re supposed to stand up to the Nazis and #Resist and all that, but I can still be scared, can’t I? I’ve got to raise a kid in the world. I don’t know how to explain shit that I don’t even understand. We really judge people because of their color? It’s like the Chris Rock joke about VCRs and girls who don’t perform oral sex: “They still make you?” It’s crazy to me, and I tended to just go through life without really thinking too much about it. I had that luxury, and I knew it was a luxury. Part of what made it great was that these folks that are loud and proud used to just be keyboard warriors in their moms’ basements. But they’ve come out of the basements, y’all, and this shit is REAL.

About two years ago, I was driving us all home from the airport. I get to an intersection for a left turn, and the guy behind me keeps honking for me to go, even though he couldn’t really see that I saw cars coming. Eventually, he just speeds around me, and we end up next to each other at the next light. I see him mouthing something at me, so I roll down my window. Then he proceeds to ramble off a bunch of stuff, but what stood out most in my mind was him calling me a nigger. Oh, and my wife a bitch. But mainly him calling me a nigger several times. And it all went black for me.

I seem to remember calling him an asshole, because racial scientists have yet to discover the perfect counter to being called a nigger. White folks are like Teflon when it comes to slurs, as most of the ones about them have lost their effectiveness over the years. And then he challenged me to a fight. Wanted me to pull over into a parking lot. Like I said, I was GONE at this point. Plus, this was the longest red light in history. My daughter started crying in her carseat, and he told me to “go on home and don’t be a deadbeat nigger”, and Lindsay was urging me to just ignore the guy. Engines started revving. The lanes narrowed, and I think I wanted to run him into the median. That was my plan. As Evie’s cries got louder, I realized I had responsibilities and shit, so I let him speed off when the light turned green.

He wasn’t some good ol’ boy redneck. He pretty much looked like a regular White dude with a shaved head. At that point, I didn’t know what the Alt Right was because I hadn’t really heard of Gamergate and all that. But I can say, today, that he was the same type of dude that was down in Charlottesville, and that scares me. It scares me because I don’t like what they’re capable of. But it also scares me because I don’t like what they’re capable of making me do. Bad shit all the way around. Who’s to blame? Well, you be the judge of that. Some of you are still fooling yourselves, but you know exactly how we got here, and didn’t even stop think of what the ramifications would be. Fuck it all, ’cause “emails”, right? Anyway, here we are. Question I have for you is how are we gonna get out of here? And are you part of the solution or part of the problem?

Whew! OK. So, who’s ready for some pop culture ramblings, huh? Huh? Yeah, let’s get to that.

  In a pretty big deal, Netflix acquired comic creator Mark Millar’s Millarworld comic imprint. You know, he’s the guy behind Wanted, and Kick-Ass, and Kingsman. Oh, what’s that? No, those properties aren’t part of this deal. Still, he’s quite the prolific writer (so prolific, in fact, that I’m not convinced he’s the one actually writing all this stuff, but I digress…), so there’s a lot of material to pull from. There’s Nemesis, which is basically evil Batman who dresses like a Klansman. There’s Superior, which is basically just Millar’s riff on the Shazam story. There’s Super Crooks, which is about, well, super crooks. I know I sound sarcastic and all, but I actually did enjoy all of these series. They may not have been the most original things I’ve read, but he’s found what works for him, so more power to him.

To me, the real winner here is Netflix, as they basically acquired a comic “company” without any of the hassle. You see, Millarworld isn’t a publisher like Marvel or DC. No, it’s an imprint, which is just a fancy branding tactic to let you know that all the stories spring forth from the same voice. Millarworld comics are currently published by both Marvel and Image. As an imprint, all of the heavy lifting is done by the actual publisher. So, Netflix gets the intellectual property without having to worry about comic shipping schedules, retailer outreach, or anything else that publishers should be doing. With this deal, they essentially get to have their cake and eat it, too. Part of me is scared that Netflix is being a bit too aggressive in the marketplace, and can’t sustain this level of success, but what do I know? It’ll be interesting to see what they end up doing with all of this.

Speaking of big deals, Shonda Rhimes – creator of the hits Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal – has signed a multiyear production deal with Netflix, moving her Shondaland production house from ABC. Her ABC contract was set to expire in May 2018, but word on the street is that she negotiated an early exit. A lot of folks are wondering what this means, especially for ABC, which had built the Thursday night TGIT lineup around Rhimes’s shows. It could be good, and it could be bad. For all of her success (the aforementioned shows), she’s also had some misses, including Off The Map, The Catch, and Still Star-Crossed. And for all the buzz surrounding its star, How to Get Away With Murder struggles to find the audience that Grey’s and Scandal have attracted.

There’s no doubt Rhimes is a powerhouse producer, but I think this move came at the right time, as TGIT was starting to get stale. Grey’s is on season 13, but could continue as long as Ellen Pompeo wants work. Meanwhile, Scandal ends this season, and I really don’t know how much more rope they’re gonna give Murder. I’m sure ABC would love to retool the night, without having to cater to one producer, so this will give them a lot more options. There were some potentially difficult decisions on the horizon that can now be avoided since Rhimes took an early out. As for what she’ll do for Netflix, we’re really just gonna have to wait and see.

So get this: apparently some lawyer bought the rights to My Cousin Vinny just so he could release Back to Brooklyn, a novel that follows the characters 25 years later. Now, I’ve never seen the movie in its entirety, but it’s certainly not one that ended with me wondering what happened to them next. According to the synopsis, not much. According to Deadline:

In the update, Vinny is working on a new murder case. This time, it’s set in his native Brooklyn. But domestic issues still plague him – he hasn’t married Lisa, and his career as an attorney really hasn’t taken wing, despite the Alabama triumph, leading to financial problems. Finally, he is hired to help a woman accused of killing her boyfriend, whose brother is the deputy mayor of New York City.

“Taken wing”? I’ve never heard that before. Is that like “Taking flight“? Anyway, that sounds boring as shit. This reboot/revival industry has really gotten out of hand, and this just takes the cake. I can tell you one thing about it without even reading it, though: 25 years later and Marisa Tomei is still a total smokeshow.

Not only has Chrisley Knows Best been renewed for a 6th sesaon, but it also scored an aftershow, According to Chrisley. Hey, at least it’s not another Hardwick talker! From the description, it’s really just a late night version of a daytime talk show, as Todd Chrisley will interact with the audience and give advice on marriage, parenting, and sex. Yup, good ol’ vaginal intercourse. I’m sure Todd knows TONS about that…

They say the third time’s the charm, and that’s exactly how many times they’ve now tried to make How I Met Your Father happen. This time, the show is being developed by Alison Bennett from a show that I love, FXX’s You’re The Worst. So, tonally, don’t look for the kind of humor you’re used to from HIMYM.

In the world of comics, Wizard: The Guide to Comics is returning in the form of WizPop, which will be yet another pop culture website in a crowded pool of pop culture websites. They say that a quarterly print version will follow at some point in the future, but I really don’t see that getting off the ground in today’s print marketplace. Apparently, WizPop will be a “digital daily video news service”, and I hate videos, so this already isn’t for me. I feel a lot of folks film shit that would’ve been more compelling written. Plus, I’m sure they’ll find some hot girl, get her to talk about Pokémon once a week, and expect the clicks to roll in.

The editor in chief of this project is Brian Walton, formerly of Nerdist, so I’m sure he knows his shit. The associate editor, however, is Luke Y. Thompson, who’ll I’ll always refer to as “the guy who killed Topless Robot”. Back in the early ’00s you wanted to have the popularity of 2 major sites: Topless Robot and X-Entertainment. Rob and Matt ruled the geek set, and when Rob left Topless Robot – a brand he had built – it really should’ve ended. Instead, Thompson came along and simply didn’t have feet big enough to fill the shoes he’d been left. I remember when the call went out for a new editor for that site, and I considered it briefly, but thought to myself “Nobody knows me, and it’s not like I have that big of a following”. Then they chose Thompson, whom I’d only heard of here and there, and who had basically the same amount of social media followers that I did. Son of a bitch! Anyway, I’m probably being too hard on the guy. I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t have fared any better than he did, as there just wasn’t, nor should there have been, a Topless Robot without Rob Bricken. Can’t begrudge a dude for needing to work, but I really don’t know what Thompson or Walton can bring to the Wizard brand to set it apart from everyone else who’ve already staked a claim to the digital world.

Things You Might Have Missed This Week

Everything’s coming up Jetsons, as DC Comics announced a new miniseries, while ABC announced they’ve picked up a pilot from Robert Zemeckis for a live action sitcom. I say this show dies on the vine like the Seth MacFarlane Flintstones reboot, but we’ll see…

The season 7 Suits finale will serve as a backdoor pilot for a spinoff starring Gina Torres, and set in the world of Chicago politics. I really hope it’s called Da Skirts.

Marvel���s Runaways are about to be DOOMED, as the former movie doctor (and Nip/Tuck butt model) Julian McMahon joins the Hulu series as some worthless adult character. Seriously, if you’ve read the book, you know you can’t trust any adults in their orbit.

Fringe‘s Kirk Acevedo has been cast as “Ricardo Diaz” next season on Arrow, who will be the Arrowverse adaptation of DC Comics martial artist Richard Dragon.

Unwillingly to let a little broken neck stop him (um, spoiler alert?), David Tennant will reprise his role as The Purple Man in season 2 of Jessica Jones.

If you’re looking for conversation fodder for when you talk to your grandma, you should probably know that Daphne Oz, daughter of the Dr, is leaving The Chew. Like I said, your grandma will have something to say about it.

If you’re a 15 year old girl and you stumbled across this site because you found me in one of your chat rooms, then you’ll want to know that the Teen Wolf 100th episode/series finale will air September 24th. No word if Michael J. Fox or Jason Bateman will make a cameo. Oh, you don’t know who they are? Fuckin’ Generation Z, man…

Paul Scheer will now spearhead the Amazon adaptation of Galaxy Quest, which can only mean one thing: Rob Huebel is gonna be the commander. Mark my words!

Lost executive producer/co-showrunner Carlton Cuse just inked an overall production deal with ABC. Spoiler alert: all the characters in all of the upcoming shows have been dead the whole time.

Michael Douglas is in talks to star in a Netflix sitcom created by Chuck Lorre, which means everyone will “hate” it but it’ll still be the highest rated comedy on the streaming service. I mean, Lorre is KING of the Guilty Pleasure.

NBC announced that there have been “talks” of a Frasier revival, though they aren’t sure if the creators want to do it without co-creator David Angell, who died in the September 11th attacks.

Not to be outdone, Fox announced that they’ve been in talks with Mike Judge to bring back King of the Hell. While I’d love to know how Hank Hill would regard Trump’s America, I feel the original run of that show is nearly perfect and wouldn’t want a lackluster follow-up like Futurama 2.0.

Bad Boys 3 is clearly never happening, so it just lost its release date to Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly’s Holmes & Watson, hitting theaters November 9th, 2018.

Nia Vardalos, of My Big Fat Greek Wedding fame, is developing Suburbs Famous, a TV series loosely inspired by the Chewbacca Mom thing. I’m not sure what to call it. It wasn’t a phenomenon. It was just a thing.

Hold onto your butts, children of the 80s, as there’s a reboot of The Two Coreys masterpiece License to Drive. This time it’ll be a female-led ensemble, being called a “female version of Superbad“. Um, OK.

You know that coworker who clearly hates his job, and really doesn’t go out of his way to make you think otherwise? That’s Daniel Craig with the James Bond franchise and, as much as he claims to hate it, it’s a job, so he’ll be back in the next installment.

Get your towels, fangirls (and fanboys, if that’s your thing), ’cause Star-Lord is back on the market! After 8 years of marriage, Chris Pratt and Anna Faris announced their separation. He’ll get custody of the family’s successful movie career, while she gets the car and her job on Mom.

I thought this was pretty clever

In a rebranding move, Chuck E. Cheese’s is getting rid of the animatronic band that we all grew up being terrified of. But fear not, as the chain will still base their image around a rat serving you pizza, so if that ain’t classy, I don’t know what is!

This week I joined my good pal Classick for another round of the Classick Team-Up Podcast. This was my first show with his new cohost, Amber, and I think we all gelled really well together. You should definitely give it a listen, but listener discretion is advised!

To say that the new DuckTales is good would be an understatement. In fact, it might be too good. Like everyone else, I’m beginning to tire of all of Hollywood dusting off old properties for new money, so I was a bit apprehensive about a DuckTales reboot. I mean, Disney had come a long way since then, so did they really need to return to that well? I grew up with the Disney Afternoon, so I know some DuckTales. It was never my favorite show or anything, but I enjoyed watching it. Even saw the movie in theaters. I would’ve been more intrigued by a Darkwing Duck or, believe it or not, a Goof Troop reboot, but I was willing to return to Duckburg to check things out.

As the news started trickling out about the reboot, I began to get a bit more interested. The character designs were updated, yet faithful to the original. And the cast! They could’ve just gone with some unknown voice actors, but instead they went for Purple Man David Tennant, and SNL guys Bobby Moynihan and Beck Bennett. Hell, they even got Community‘s Danny Pudi in the mix. Even if the show sucked, it wouldn’t be due to the folks behind the mic. Then they announced that the show would premiere on 8/12, and air for 24 hours. And for 24 hours did it run!

I actually didn’t get to watch it until the marathon was over, but when it was over, I couldn’t believe what I had seen. It was great. I was surprised that Huey, Dewey, and Louie actually had personalities now. That’s something I don’t remember being true about the original show. I liked the personality upgrade that Webby received, and I now find her more endearing than annoying. There’s clearly a story behind the new Mrs. Beakley, as she’s not just some doddering housekeeper anymore. And Donald’s even featured this time! There were a ton of Easter eggs referencing the old show, including shout outs to Cape Suzette (Tale Spin) and St. Canard (Darkwing Duck). Hell, they even had Roxanne from A Goofy Movie in it. What’s not to love?

If I had any squabble at all, it’s that I kinda wish Donald had subtitles. I know that’s part of his gimmick, but during the first half hour, for whatever reason, I found him downright incomprehensible. It didn’t seem as bad during the second half hour, so I don’t know what the difference was.

Anyway, the series properly debuts with new episodes on September 23rd, and I think I found my new favorite Saturday cartoon. If you didn’t see it, you should definitely check it out. It might not be your speed, but you can’t help but marvel at what they accomplished. That’s why DuckTales had the West Week Ever.

Oh yeah, I’m still trying to make Sarahah happen, so leave me some comments!

[tessatechaitea]

Dark Nights: Metal #5

How many teeth do people from the Dark Multiverse have?

This is so true. I wake up screaming every morning.

I don't actually wake up screaming. It takes a few moments for me to recall who I am and what my life has become before I begin. After some superhero battles meant to extend the story by making it exciting, Bat-Joker reveals a new secret. "Endings are the loudest of all!" It's so Scott Snyder to begin the comic book by saying something that seems to make sense because he gave two examples to back up his ridiculous statement ("Beginnings are loud because the Big Bang and babies! Never mind that the Big Bang wasn't loud at all because nobody was there to hear it. That's philosophy!") only to reveal that the opposite of the statement is really true! What a twist! I feel so smart having read that! He truly knows how to manipulate narratives and fangenders! The issue ends with all of the Justice League members losing their Nth metal to the Dark Knights. All hope seems lost! Except Batman and Superman have decided to take a plunge into the Forge of Worlds' magma pit because why not? And Wonder Woman takes the narrative spine of the story (you know, the thing about noise and loudness and screams and shit) and turns it on its head! She doesn't scream at all; she yells her war cry! OH MY GOD! I just busted my comic book nut. Scott Snyder is so fucking good at this! I think I have a long enough history writing these things that I don't have to point out sarcasm, right? Dark Nights: Metal #5: As comic book events go, this is a big one. You can tell it's a big one because the editors get off the Snyder's metaphorical dick and allow him to pull from whatever continuity and canon he wants, and to manipulate it to whatever ends he desires. Bring in Sandman from Vertigo? Sure, why not?! Use Plastic Man in a serious manner? Oh yeah! Big events practically call for that to happen! Age Batman thirty years in an alternate dimension and then have him back to normal by the end somehow? Pretty much standard big event fare, that. Create a timeline based completely on Batman being the center of everything and also the reason everything goes wrong due to his hubris that, being the center of everything, he can stop all the bad stuff himself? Well, come on! This is DC Comics, after all! This is the kind of shit comic book fans shove up their vaginas as fast as they can possibly lube themselves up. It's 98% marketing and 2% Scott Snyder's semen. But a lot of fangenders really seem to love that stuff. The marketing, not the semen. I mean, I'm sure some like the semen. It's James Tynion IV approved! What I'm saying is, I guess it's stupid fun. And there's almost always room for stupid fun. Unless the current president is Donald Trump and practically everybody in congress has been bought by the NRA. Then maybe we should put aside the stupid fun and do something about this shit. Not me, of course! I'm too old and Gen-Xy! The newer generations need to fix this shit. We Gen-Xers stated right out of the gate that we weren't ever getting involved. We're Walter in Get Out. We might not be much help but we know what the fuck is going on and we'll be really funny explaining it.

[wendyhermansongeller]

Guitar hero Gary Clark Jr. gets 'Justice League' grooving with 'Come Together'

Who better to create a theme for a movie about superheroes than a guitar hero? That was the thought process behind tapping Gary Clark Jr. to put his signature on the Beatles classic “Come Together,” which he and DJ/producer Junkie XL spun into a bombastic, thundering remake for Nov. 17’s Justice League. The revived song has landed back on the charts, nearly 50 years after its original 1969 release, which is something of a heroic achievement in itself.

Yahoo Entertainment had the opportunity to talk to Clark Jr. about the theme song the week of Justice League’s release — and find out what superpowers the Austin, Texas virtuoso employed to make the cover such a raging success.

YAHOO: Can you give a briefer on how you got involved doing this particular song, with Junkie XL? You hadn’t worked with him previously.

GARY CLARK JR: I got the phone call to come out to L.A. and record this song — I didn’t know exactly what it was for. I knew it was for a film, but I wasn’t quite sure. So I popped into L.A. and I got in the studio and met with Junkie XL. He said he was kind of familiar [with my stuff]; just thought my guitar and my voice might fit. “That funky, buzzy guitar s*** that you do, just do that.” So, I hopped in there, and I just kind of laid it down. There was not much preparation. It just kind of flowed naturally.

It’s hard to think of a cooler movie to have a song in right now than Justice League. There’s so much buzz on the film right now — you must have been stoked when you found out what the project was for.

I was super stoked when I found out. It was the closest that I’d ever get to being Batman!

Are you a fan of comics?

I’ve had other things take over my life — but yeah, when I was a kid, I was really into comic books and trading them with my friends, so it’s been something that’s been on my radar for a while.

And, the song “Come Together” — are you a Beatles fan? Was that a particular tune that you’d been into, either past or present?

“Come Together” has been on my radar since I was a kid. My mom was a Beatles fan, so we heard that growing up around the house. As I got to be a teenager,  I was introduced to Sgt. Pepper, the White Album. “Come Together” was a standout song. When I first started playing guitar, it was one of those riffs that stood out in my mind.

It is definitely a revered classic even within the entire revered Beatles catalog. Did that have any bearing on how you approached covering it? 

I didn’t really think too much about how to approach it because it was kind of already set up for me when I showed up at the studio. Junkie XL had things flowing, and it was just my little flavor that they needed on it. I can’t really take any credit for any direction. I just played that riff, played bad-ass guitar, you know? (laughs)

Right. But, sometimes it can be intimidating to tackle a song like that, just due to its history. 

Oh, I was cautious at first. But it didn’t take too long. When you get a call to do something like this, you can’t be scared. You know?

Were there any specific technical tricks you tried out to make the song stand out from its original version? 

Technically? I couldn’t explain it to you — I’m not that guy. It was a vibe thing; we knew what to do instinctually.

Have you heard the rest of the Justice League soundtrack? What do you think?

Well, I just saw the movie for the first time last night, and I haven’t been privy to anything else. So I heard the soundtrack for the first time [then]. I’m actually curious to go back and hear it again.

“Come Together” is back on the charts now, thanks to you! I don’t suppose you have gotten any feedback from Paul McCartney or Ringo Starr on your cover yet?

I didn’t get any feedback from either of those guys yet! If I run across them, I’ll probably wait for them to bring it up first!

Any thoughts on what John Lennon might think of it?!

(Laughs) I don’t know. I think he’d probably just say (puts on different voice) “Hey, wow, this is very aggressive!”

Justice League opens in theaters Nov. 17.