#i even didnt take my medication today WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME

[m00ngbin]

I've worked so hard to have a good day today it feels like I'm digging my nails into the edge of a cliff

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[ripleylove]

Safe in my embrace.

requested by anonymous saying: I love your writing and no pressure. Would you be comfortable writing a story about reader protecting Don from Liv. You can have full creative control. I just need something to get my mind away from the ick. But like I said if you're not comfortable, no worries.

pairing: Dominik Mysterio x fem reader.

genre: fluff and a bit of angst.

summary: With Liv pulling her usual stunts,you finally had enough of her uncomfortable advances to Dominik,and you decided to teach her a lesson to protect your boyfriend.

warnings: the whole liv and dom storyline,mention of SA,reader fighting liv

A/N: I hate this storyline I hate this storyline I hate this storyline

(this is based on the raw events of july 1st also lets pretend dom won and rey didnt)

⋆ ˚｡⋆𔓘⭒๋࣭

It all started with that kiss.

You knew Dominik wasn't at fault in all of this,hell,he was the victim.

He was the one that didn't consent to this at all,he was the one who wasn't liking this one bit and he was the one being a victim of sexual assault from Liv.

And this got worse every single week.

This week though, you really had enough.

While watching Dominik and Rey's match backstage,you felt someone's shoulder colliding with yours,almost making you lose balance.

"What the fuck?" You said,trying to look for the culprit,that you quickly found.

In fact,in front of you,there was Liv Morgan with her championship belt slung over her shoulder,while wearing a "Daddy Dom shirt".

She turned to you and smirked,while waving her fingers in a 'goodbye' motion.

You were already raging,but now you just wanted to kick her ass.

Also,even her shirt pissed you off; and if tonight she dared to make one of her stupid moves on Dominik, you weren't going to hold back.

As the match your boyfriend had kept going,you suddenly hear the familiar "watch me",and you stood from your sit,ready to storm off in the ring to give her a good old beating.

Dominik slid out of the ring,and his father decided to take action,by kicking him in the back of the head.

Thanks to the kick,Dominik landed on Liv Morgan,making them fall on the floor while they had their arms wrapped around each other.

The panic in Dominik's was evident,and that was your last straw: you rushed out in the ring,ripping Liv off Dominik.

"Leave Dominik alone!" You shouted,while punching her face nonstop.

Everyone was shocked,even the commentators,that,in fact, gasped in the microphone.

"No way Liv is getting her ass beaten by Dominik's girlfriend!" Michael Cole said,and Corey Graves,that was here to take the place of the absent Pat McAfee,laughed loudly.

"I must say,that this wasn't on my 2024 bucket list,but I'm enjoying this!" Corey Graves said,while you still kept on slapping and kicking Liv,the whole scene being shown on the big screens.

Soon enough,medics and referees arrived to take you away from Liv,but you still weren't satisfied.

With one last slap,you got off her and went to Dominik,who won his match against Rey.

"This was-" He started,and he laughed to himself. "Definitely something".

You both laughed,and you continued: "It was deserved though, I hope she won't dare so assault you again,or else we all know what might happen. C'mere,baby."

You opened your arms,and he happily complied with a smile on his lips adorned with the iconic mustache.

"I love you,mami. Thank you for stopping all of this." He whispered,since you all were still in front of the cameras,and he embraced you even more tightly.

"It's nothing,love. Someone would have done it sooner or later,right?" You said and he laughed.

"Also,getting to beat her up was what I have been waiting since,if I'm not wrong,the king and queen of the ring tournament. So yeah,I hope she has learned her lesson,and if she hasn't,I won't hesitate to do the same thing I did today." You continued with a smirk on your face,and Dominik pulled away,giving you a chaste peck on your lips.

"You're right,mami. You always protect me,and I'ma do the same for you." He said while pulling you close to him. You smiled and said,

"That's right,remember,you'll always be safe in my embrace."

After this,you both celebrated his victory,with Liv Morgan still passed out on the floor,while you proudly held up your boyfriend's arm,just like a referee would do.

taglist: @stellakiddsblog @bibibi-tchx @p-mp @teenagedramaqueenlisa @thegalacticnacho091 @judgementdaysunshine

[arcanavoid]

About Julian

In my post About Dorian I mentioned how people in the fandom typically reduce the M6 into one or two personality traits. I’ll be talking about Julian today and the fandom's treatment of him!

I'm going to try and keep this factual and not opinionated, nothing like “he should only be like this” and more like “this is what he is in game, but people show him like this” 

It's gonna be a long post so if you don't want to get into the topic, or don't feel like reading something long then go ahead and scroll by! I don't mind! 

And if you want to make this a civilized discussion then i don't mind talking and hearing others points out either!

So let's go!

Julian is a Doctor who went to Parka to learn medicine and got most of his experience on battle fields while he apprenticed under Nazali. He started up his own clinic in Vesuvia and ended up being hired by the palace to work on the red plague cure, eventually treating Lucio himself. 

After the apprentice died he was stricken with grief, eventually he had an affair with Asra but it didn’t exactly last. He soon found a cure in the form of killing Lucio through sickly hallucinations of the hanged man. 

Julian is a smart man, who often blames himself for things that were not his fault, even putting himself at risk with no evidence simply to save others or because he feels guilty. He loves people with his whole being and yet doesn't trust himself to be around them as he thinks he’ll hurt them with again no evidence. 

So tell me why most of the Arcana fandom will portray him as, for lack of a better word, idiotic and whoreish. 

I know Nyx Hydra poked fun at Julian a few times, mentioning that he likes to use leeches or make him kinky, but that is simply not his whole personality.

Yes, he can be flustered easily, and easy to arouse, and a masochist. But he is also lovey dovey, and soft and mushy and loves with his whole heart not just his dick.

And he literally went to school, i know its a big joke that he simply doesn't know what a medical school is but he literally went to one… and even if he didnt and there's no evidence of that he was at least mentored by Nazali who definitely did go to school. 

Now again i'm not saying he can't be horny, oh on the contrary he is horny, for someone he loves, not just a stranger. And by all means he's not the smartest man in the world, he actively struggles to comprehend magic and the Arcana realms but that's because he is smart with science and medicine! 

And yes you can write porn without plot with him, he doesn't have to show off his undying love in every single thing he's in. and yes you can make him marvel and question magic and still show his smarts in reality. He literally tries to use logic in the tower's realm and figures out that the realm is looped by testing out his hypothesis. 

All I'm saying is that a lot of people reduce his character when he really is rich in personality, and hopefully this will help bring some light as to what his character might look like more fleshed out. 

Another point I want to touch, is Julian as a background or side character. I’ve written a fanfic that was focused on my Mc, Asra, my friends Mc, and Julian. But my friends Mc and julian were supporting cast, so Julian wasn’t as fleshed out as Asra, but i didn’t reduce him to only horny or kinda dumb whenever he was “on screen” his traits just didn’t show as much as it would if he was a main character.

So what should we take away from this? 

Well, Julian can be horny and isn't the smartest man in the world, but he is much more than that! He's loving and cares so much about the people close to him, he's smart and doesn’t know much about magic but is willing to try and figure it out with the knowledge he has. He gives his whole self to someone, his heart and body. And he does not need to constantly show these traits in depth especially if he's mostly a side character in someone's story. 

Julian is a lovely character, and I would love to do an analysis of him after I re-do his route, but I think this is good enough for now.

Of course you can all do what you'd like with him, but when it becomes prevalent that the fandom is mostly thinking of him in a reduced state it becomes a little saddening, and it's good to remind ourselves that he's not all horny and unknowing! 

Feel free to give your reasoning for making him more horny, since i’ll be honest i don't think as many people think they’re dumbing him down. If anything I think Lucio might be dumbed down more, but I definitely notice the dumbing down of Julian too.

[daengtokki]

Your story is like the first one I’ve been so deeply captivated by when it comes to serial killer shit, like I can’t explain it. Sure I’ve read yandares and silly ghost face skz story’s, but this one made me feel…disgusted? Like I’ve never had a fictional story about skz make me feel so grossed out. I don’t want you to take it as a negative thing, and if you do i apologize 🩷

I’ve read sooooo many fics through three years and I was a little bit skeptical when I first read the “serial killer! Seungmin” but I’m glad I kept reading cause I’m so excited for the next part.

What I meant by the “it grossed me out” part, is the scene where he killed the man? I don’t know why but I dead ass almost threw up, might be cause I’m sick and the only thing I’ve been consuming are medications. But holy fuck dude, I had to step away😭

Also!! I got so, frustrated? And confused? When she DIDNT LEAVE THE COUNTRY!? A MAN JUST KILLED YOU FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES AND YOURE OVER HERE KISSING HIS LIPS AND WHAT NOT.

But I think that’s what makes a story good! The minute a fic I’m reading is making me feel some kind of emotions, better bet I’m reading until the fkn end.

Anyway, pardon my rant, and again I really hope you don’t take it as offensive, but if you do I’d totally get it tbh.

Stay safe and healthy! Lots of love🩷🌺

Sorry I took so long responding, but I really had to gather my thoughts for this one. Apologies for it being so long and for me basically taking an opportunity to unload.

All of the "negative" parts popped out because I was so tired and out of it. And I was like “oh no please don’t hate please don’t hate the story” 😭 ㅋㅋ ㅋ I'm out of it today, too, so hopefully I type this up properly.

But I don’t take your comments negatively! My job as a writer is to make you feel all of the emotions my characters are dealing with.

So thank you for taking the time to write all of this out! Seriously. I'm a little floored anyone (this goes for everyone who has sent a message or left a long comment about the fic) has been reading thoughtfully enough to catch everything l've been putting into the story. We’ll be getting more into readers fucked up head very soon, since you mentioned that!

I’m glad these not so pretty parts have gotten a reaction out of you, because I’ll take that as me writing the scenes well! That’s very important to me as a writer, and as someone who has always taken writing seriously. I love writing simple fanfic that you guys can lose yourself in, because that’s why I picked up ff again after stopping for many years. And because of Seungmin, ofc. But this is also why I was very nervous about posting DEITY even though I’ve been wanting to do serial killer!Seungmin for months now. I knew it couldn’t be simple, but I had no idea it would already be this long halfway through (almost 50k words). After writing the intro and getting into the first part, I decided to just write an entire novel. I already had the plot in my head.

I don’t see many stories like this on tumblr, but I also don’t read much (I’m not exaggerating when I say all of my free time is spent writing) so putting something darker out there that wasn’t just oneshot smut was a little scary. I’m aware that’s what get most of the attention on here (short stuff, ott smut, ~imagines, etc) and why even though I have readers like you, I don’t have much in the way of likes and reblogs. It does get discouraging, but I’m pushed forward when I think about all of you reading each part.

So ANYWAY. Sorry this got so long. Thank you so much for your reblogs and your comments on those reblogs. It’s so important to me and the other writers on tumblr.

And thank you Seungmin for being my muse. I wouldn’t be writing every day again without you making me so delusional.

Again, sorry if this is too much and none of it makes sense. I took too much of one of my meds today and I’m very dizzy and lethargic from it.

[armandjolras]

This will be rambly and overly personal, but ive been wanting to talk about Fosca as chronic illness representation, and why the musical version of her is especially relatable in this sense.

(I also haven’t read the book, so maybe some changes im attributing to the musical are from the book)

In the movie, Fosca’s illness almost seems an extension of her ugliness, meant to horrify the viewer. Ugliness takes focus as her main burden; we’re told that she was shunned for her looks as a child and are shown many jumpscare shots of her face. Sickness is merely a consequence of ugliness. When not acutely ill, she seems quite healthy, even energetic. (Obviously having seizures is a very serious illness in real life, i just mean the way it’s presented in the movie).

Most interesting to me, she doesn’t seem depressed at all; she’s quite upbeat and witty. Her manipulative toxicity in the movie doesn’t come from depression, but rather because she’s never been treated as a woman due to being an outcast, so she doesn’t feel she has to adhere to the decorum of one.

In the musical, I see Fosca’s illness as being much more than just an extension of being ugly. It appears to affect her continuously between acute episodes, and she moves wearily as if fighting pain and discomfort at every moment. While suffering over ugliness still caused her illness in this version, that ugliness is not as emphasised. We’re told that her parents loved her rather than shunning her, so she wasn’t an outcast, and she’s depicted as more pathetic spinster than scary Nosferatu.

She is also clearly depressed. In my opinion, her toxic behaviour comes not from flouting social norms, but from the desperation of depression. Maybe others also relate to being depressed and behaving badly as a cry for help, unable to stop despite knowing you’re being toxic, because you need acknowledgment from people. I see Fosca’s behaviour this way. Georgio is the first person who is nice to her, so she physically can’t stop trying to extract love from him by any means, even when she admits she’s in the wrong.

I relate to Fosca strongly in this. Since 2020 I’ve struggled with multiple chronic illnesses which have limited my physical abilities; today I cant even sit upright for more than 15 minutes, some days less. Since I dont have any family or friends in the country where I’m living, and went through diagnosis and surgery alone mid Covid, at times I’ve felt very isolated. In 2022 i could tell I was behaving a lot like Fosca — I didnt do anything super toxic, but I was putting too much emotional burden on my long-distance parents even as I knew I was stressing them out and upsetting them. It felt like such a compulsion, because I was scared and isolated and wanted someone else to know how much I was suffering so I wouldn’t be alone it it. I’m much healthier mentally now, but that took therapy and medication which Fosca doesn’t have. Its a terrible feeling to see your world getting smaller and your dreams becoming less possible, and going through that alone.

I’ve had a lot of frustration towards how my illnesses have limited what I can do, and i have to make an effort not to be resentful towards healthier people. The line “I read about the joys the world / Dispenses to the fortunate / And listen for the echoes” really captures this. “I know how soon a dream becomes an expectation / How can I have expectations?” When your world gets smaller, you have to give up your hopes bit by bit so you dont get hurt. “Look at me / No, captain, look at me / Look at me!” In her desperation she demands his attention, even when she knows she’s being rude and repelling him, she just feels compelled to connect with someone.

I know “I Read” can be interpreted as being about her ugliness rather than of physical illness, and maybe that actually is the correct interpretation. But I’m very convinced that musical Fosca is depressed in a way that movie Fosca is not, and most of her words and actions stem from that. I also believe that by placing less emphasis on her shocking ugliness, it only makes since that a lot of her suffering is due to her physical illness. 

(And I also relate to Fosca’s final letter, where she says that appreciating the beauty in the world around you makes you want to go on living. Being ill has taught me to be much more grateful for small things in life.)

Other disclaimers: I dont mean Fosca’s suffering in the movie is NOT about her illness, in both versions its a combo of ugliness + illness. I just think they’re in different ratios. Also im not trying to be a Fosca apologist, I know shes super toxic and a stalker and essentially an incel, and also super annoying, I just understand her perspective. And finally I do like movie Fosca! Shes iconic I just relate to musical Fosca more.

[concretepuppy]

Hey, I wanted to ask if you'd recommend phallo to someone without dysphoria who's like 90% cis? I just kind of want a dick from time to time, but it doesn't affect my sex life or distress me that I don't. I'd also like a cis-looking and feeling dick (idk why but I would probably get dysphoria from a dick that was obviously made with phallo) so idk. Transphobes fearmonger a lot so it kind of scares me to make the jump. And idk if major surgery is worth it to satisfy something I'd live my life perfectly fine without doing...

i’m a huge proponent of cis people getting bottom surgery if it makes them happy. i talk quite a lot about how i think a lot of cis stone butches in particular would probably be a lot happier of they had a sensate penis to use for sex, bc i have had quite a few stones complain to me about how they wish they could feel it when they use a strap. it’s ok to get bottom surgery just for sex.

why exactly do you want a dick? what do you want out of it? do you want it for sex? do you think you would have better self image if you had one? do you want to be able to pee from it? do you want balls? do you want to keep your current genitals? there are a lot of considerations to make. i’d start by making a list of all the things that make you want a dick, and then all the potential cons.

i would encourage you to examine why you think you would feel dysphoric about having a phallo dick—what about them is so different from a natal penis? what are the aspects of a natal penis that you feel you’d miss with a phallo penis? have you seen a long-healed phallo dick w medical tattooing? have you ever interacted w a phallo dick irl? i’d also ask you to check your beliefs about what phallo dicks look like. these both have a lot of layers of transphobia and body shaming to unpack.

phalloplasty is a major surgery. it’s permanent in that you’d have to find a surgeon willing to do penectomy on a phallo patient to get it removed, which would likely be very difficult. but it’s not the huge, scary thing people make it out to be. most people just have 6-8wks of recovery (and maybe even shorter for later stages depending on what you’re getting done) and that’s it. the hardest part for me was stage 1 movement restriction, but that was 5 years ago and it’s over with now. if you think you’d be happier getting phallo, then by all means pursue it. it’s not like it’s a fast process, so even if you started contacting surgeons today you’d still have at least 12-18mo to think about it.

also keep in mind that navigating the process will be much more difficult unless you lie and say you’re a trans guy (or in the states at least most of the big name phallo surgeons are familiar enough w nonbinary people that they dont bat an eye abt it, so you could use that). i cant imagine most reputable phallo surgeons here would agree to do surgery for a person who openly IDed as cis (tho i could be wrong, i dont have direct experience w any team other than OHSU so it’s just me guessing based on other ppls anecdotes) and i have even less confidence that insurance would cover it. but it’s fine to lie and say you’re a trans dude if that’s what it takes to get the surgery or hormones or whatever you need. i didnt tell my surgical team i was bigender until stage 3, and i specifically told them to just list me as a trans man in claims. the OHSU team is really great about stuff like that, but other teams might not be.

[strangecowplant]

Hello, regarding your cat, I wasn't able to read everything this is kinda rushed because I've had a long day, but do you need more money at the moment?

Also I'm a vet but like, in France, so I'm always shocked at the prices (in my area this kind of emergency would amount to like, around 300€, maybe 500€ if there's a repeat)!

Also, on a medical standpoint, were the vets able to know the origin of the blockage? Was it urinary stones, or stress? In my experience this kind of blockage has a tendency to become chronic in some cases if proper precautions are not taken! I wouldn't mind giving advice if you want, you can PM me I'll do my best to help and translate as accurately as possible.

Hi thank you so much for your concern, and I hope you're able to relax now! At the moment I have no idea if I need more money, its up in the air what the cost will be when i get there later today, I've still yet to even talk to my vet for a full update as he's been in and out of surgeries today but thank you so so much for asking!!! ❤️ I'll try and keep the main post as updated as possible once I get any news about costs or anything

But yeah the pricing is absolutely horrible here, theres no regulation and the cost of living is already debilitating enough, people who try save up funds for their pets have it wiped out from even the simplest vistis (their annual vaccinations are about $300, its hard to save much with that hit every year)

As for the cause, we aren't sure. Its unlikely to be stress related as hes an extremely chill and happy cat, nothing has changed with his lifestyle, his brother doesn't stress him out and all my animals are very close and loving to one another. The house usually is super quiet and relaxed too, him running around playing is usually the most noise the house gets! I can't think of a single time before this he was ever stressed aside from the normal wariness of being at the vet for vaccines/when he got neutered. Its also unlikely its from dehydration bc he's very good at drinking (he likes to have the tap water whenever i go into the bathroom, but he also happily drinks from any of the bowls around the house) and i feed them wet food mixed with some dry daily.

They didn't find any stones but the blockage was caused by struvite crystals, in fact they were able to pull one blockage out that was a milky mucousy stringy glob before his first catheter was put in. I also pulled 3 or 4 small ones the day before yesterday after noticing he was blocked and trying to do anything in my power to dispel them since I had no means to get him the help he needed then. His urinalysis came back positive for struvite but also mentioned the amount was 'few', he had no bacteria present and his ph was 6.5, theres maybe a chance he had a uti and dispelled the bacteria before they got a sample? Though I didnt notice any signs before that he was having issues. The lab notes mention the results fit with FLUTD/idiopathic cystitis but I really have no clue how or why, it was brought on so suddenly and he ate the exact same things as his brother who's fine (i will be swapping to a preventative food for his brother though because I'm now just petrified of it happening to him too) I suppose theres a chance its just genetic or random :/

Thank you for your help though, I'll definitely take you up on your offer and pm you! I have some questions I'd really like some advice on from a different vet

[homosexualmorelikehomiesexual]

i was homeschooled by a neo nazi. the sheer amount of damage it did to my psyche as a queer child in that environment is something im still grappling with to this day. and thats to say nothing about having my education, health, and emotional wellbeing neglected. i had to fucking laugh in 2020 when people were crying about not leaving the house for a single month, when i had been kept housebound since i was 6 years old. i cant describe the indignity of watching people finally recognize what id been saying for years, which is that remote learning was not only useless as an education method but fundamentally damaging to the students mental health, and then not ONCE think to check up on kids who'd already been homeschooled. not once.

because nobody gives a flying shit about the actual voices of homeschooled kids, least of all the parents that subject them to it. and thats not to say those parents dont care, or arent attached - quite the opposite. remember, we're talking about the kind of abuse that seeks to keep the victims closer, not further away. its just that the pressure to cover for that abuse is placed directly on these childrens shoulders. i know, because i lived it. we are expected to present ourselves to the public as prodigies, partly to sell people on the idea of homeschooling but mainly to ward off social services. and if we fail to do that, which we largely do, we are kept out of the public eye our entire childhoods.

and thats assuming it ends with the onset of adulthood. if we're lucky enough to have parents willing to let us go at all, that isolation and lack of worldly experience leaves us with no resources, no networks, no support systems, no basic survival skills. do you know the difference between debit and credit? what health insurance is, who pays for it, how to find a provider? who taught you to drive? do you know what the dmv is? what social security is, or where to find your birth certificate? do you know how to use a crosswalk? if you arent homeschooled, you do not realize how much knowledge you have that you take for granted. the level of dependance it creates on the abuser is terrifying. im 21, i didnt move out till 6 months ago. most people assume i took an extended gap year. the truth is i was psychotic from isolation trauma, rapidly developing stockholm syndrome, and had no resources to leave after i turned 18 even though i desparately wanted to. if i hadnt been lucky enough to have other family members to rescue me, i would probably not be alive today.

and despite how damning the evidence is that this is a terrible byproduct of multiple systems that long since shouldve been fixed, despite all the hubub about protecting children in this stupid, stupid fucking country, there is ZERO public interest in acknowledgeing our existence outside of using us as a talking point to snub rural america. a talking point, and nothing more. nobody actually cares to change those red states, they just want someone to blame. so when we do speak up, we get tuned out. because it turns out nobody actually wants to hear about the medical neglect, or the cults, or the grooming, or the domestic violence, let alone do anything about it. (besides vaguely gesturing to things like...calling CPS on our own parents, once again placing the pressure on the victims to rescue ourselves, when weve often been taught to fear those institutions since the onset of our abuse.)

if you think im exaggerating, go read through r/homeschoolrecovery. thats just the kids whove managed to get internet, most of whom profess terror at facing further abuse if their parents find out. look at your phone. look at your computer. every single device you own has the ability to set parental controls. i dont know the exact numbers of the silent majority of homeschooled children without access to the internet, but considering the main demographic who chooses homeschooling is white supremacist christian fundie cults, who really fucking love having numbers of white babies that exceed the double digits, id be confident in wagering its a lot. so you wanna know why over half the states in the country are red? fucking start there.

because theres a *reason* isolation is a cult tactic. its why im such an advocate for libraries, unpaywalled and un age restricted internet, and actually putting money into rural infrastructure - ESPECIALLY internet networks and public transit. because while the american public education system remains the stinking garbage fire it is, people are gonna keep choosing to take matters into their own hands. and under this presidency, it is going to get worse. there is no point bashing the parents for it, because it just convinces them further that the left has an agenda to systemically brainwash their kids or whatever. so please, for the love of god, make sure that even in the worst case scenarios where they have complete control over their children, those kids arent completely cut off from the world.

Anyway enough lame gifted kid discourse we are in our 20s. Let's talk about how homeschooling in america should be fucking illegal it's insane lol

[nathank77]

11/8/24

8:55 a.m Edited 9:09 a.m

Sleep was pretty awful last night. I fell asleep fast and woke up thinking i didn't sleep and I needed more xanax but I knew I slept somehow I think cause I didn't hear my tv timer shut off so I didn't take more.

Then I fell back to sleep and woke up around 2 a.m. I fell back to sleep and woke up around 4 i think and I struggled to sleep. Idk if I was having a bunch of microsleep dreams or if I kept waking up. I was up for sure around 6 a.m and then I said I'd give myself 30 more minutes or I'll just get up and I fell back to sleep until like 7 after setting my sleep timer to like 6:30 a.m.

Anyways i want to go to the gym but I shouldn't. It sounds stupid but I only want to work my arms, and chest right now. And I don't want to over work the muscle group.

Nothing would get me on that elliptical today and i mean nothing lol I have no interest in working out my legs. They are already cut bc of anxiety.

Id work out my abs and back but idk... I feel scared about my back bc I don't want to fuck myself up. I feel scared about abs bc most of the work outs involve laying on the floor and to say I'm not ocd at the gym is an understatement. I don't want to use the chemicals to clean the equipment... so I can't simply wipe down the floor and lay on it... I got to get over that maybe wear my hyper tough gloves...

Also I don't see the point in working my abs bc I'll never see them with my tummy... but from what I'm reading having a strong core is essential to working out. Our core i believe would be my back and my chest/abs.

I've noticed on the machines, machines that are supposed to work let's say chest and biceps or triceps- that my forearms hurt and they do a lot of the work. It makes me think i should be doing free weight more bc when I did the lateral raises and whatever I felt it in the targeted muscle group. So I got to try to learn more workout moves on free weights and eventually get on the big dumbbell but I'm scared of that bc idk how much the actual bar weights.

I also got to find better chest muscle workouts bc I tried the dumbbell fly and I didnt really feel it in my chest. Idk.

I want to go but I'm sore. I have to go grocery shopping.. and I have to consider trying that chlorestoral medication... stilll.....

I'm worried. I want to go to the gym and get my frustrations out.

Also I forgot but I'll add to this soon..

I remember I'm wondering if I should be pushing myself so hard on the elliptical... i want to run ingeneral why? Cause the American heart association says it can help chlorestoral significantly and it can also help you lose weight. Emphasis on the chlorestoral i like my belly..... id love abs but I like my belly. It's a weird place to be tbh...

But I'm wondering if I'm overworking my body and heart running 6 miles for 60 minutes.... especially since my heart voltage is off every single test.

I just don't know if say i ran 20 minutes a work out 3 times a week if that would help with my ldl and hdl if I did primarily low weight and high reps. Right not my reps aren't very high... I mean even for 5 pounds. I go until it hurts pretty bad but not very bad idk how to describe it.

I just don't know if I'm over working my heart pushing myself on cardio and if I'd be better off weight training... I don't want to basically only weight train bc I'd rather do that bc I hate the elliptical... and bc I'm scared of my heart voltage if it could really help with my chlorestoral considering- maybe just maybe if I do this right i won't need chlorestoral medication........

But I also don't want to throw myself into a heart attack bc of the voltage.. repatha is scary. And in 4 months if I can approach this workout right i might be able to lower my chlorestoral pretty significantly.. but then again I'll prob still need meds anyways...

I just dont know. From what I'm reading weight training can also lower chlorestoral. But is it enough? It'll be safer for my heart voltage. But will it have much of an effect on chlorestoral?

[rabidcriterion]

mkay these last couple of days have been hell. heres why

work on saturday was a piece of shit cause we didn't have enough staff and my boss is also a cunt. i said mercury must be in gatorade to one of my coworkers and she laughed so hard she cried. i think she has other stuff going on so i legit wanted to die the rest of the afternoon since that happened because the rsd was so much. not going into too much detail otherwise but just know it was like one of if not the worst days ive ever had at work

then yesterday on sunday i wanted to go and see Girl so i asked if i could and she seemed fine with it, which is great because Sundays are the best for seeing her rn. why the fuck she disappears for like two hours so im just sitting around in my house waiting on her to confirm and then she. finally does so i drive all the way to her house (i take one wrong turn right by her house and it fucks everything, the car is also hot as fuck because the aircon is broken) and then of course by the time i show up she seems to have changed her mind so i wait for a more. informative response from her. (legit sat in the park across from her house so i could air out the sweat from driving there) and then she says she actually doesn't want me over so i. get up go back to my car and leave. that was bad enough but guess what else??

on the one worst day for it, my mum cracks the shits at dad. it was really bad this time, reminds me of when i was a kid. dad didnt like that she was getting stuff out of the cupboards to try and tidy them up, some shit about how it's a sunday and that's when youre meant to be relaxing (not that it matters to him, he's fucking retired). he must've said something to her about it, because i was in my room when i started hearing her throwing things and slamming doors and stomping through the house. she's off her hormone medication so she's a terror to be around again. at one point she came into my room to tell me that id better check whether the pipe leaking into the bathroom wall is also leaking into my wall (the other side is moldy. i also assumed it must be leaking into my wall because why the fuck wouldnt it be). i eventually left and went into the neighbours house with my spare key (with permission from them first, since they're not here atm) to try and get away from her but she knew id left and tried calling me and i missed it. she was so mad at me, when i tried telling her that id gone over just to feed the neighbours pets on my own initiative instead of making her do it she got so pissed off. she asked how i knew what to feed the pets and how much and i told her i asked my neighbour and she said "did you tell them we're fighting too". shes so unbelievably disgusting sometimes. like she must know the hell she puts us through.

I've been awake for an hour now, but i dont want to leave my room in case she's out there. i thought she was going in to work today, but now i have no clue whats going on. i think i can still hear her walking through the house. i'd better get up though, i have a few appointments to get to today, so at least that's a way to stay away from her

I can't believe this shit is still happening to me. i can understand a bit more now about how and why she gets mad, but im an adult who lives in my parents house. i just want to get the fuck out but there's a housing crisis. I can't be myself or do what i want or even just live. i cant remember the last time i baked or cooked for myself because everyone here gets pissed off at me for using things im not meant to or forgetting to wash something. i get that its my bad for these things but also the level of vitriol that im met with for what, by all other accounts, seems to be a minor infraction is just. so unreasonable that id rather not risk it. especially with the way things are now

[rutht444]

first psychiatrist appt june 19 2024

Where do I even begin?

First of all it felt so OFF when i arrived inside the building. Always trust your gut and when I tell you everything was telling me it was wrong. First the receptionist was rude af didn't help me at all. People giving me weird looks. I think im so mad and sad that i was excited to see one and finally getting help, and my experience was bad. When i first met him he was nice but omg the lack of empathy, the lack of questions, making me feel stupid? He was like so what's going on do you have any trauma, like wtf. He didn't even ask me alot of questions about my ptsd, how my symptoms are like huh? Did not review what i was feeling at the moment. Just sat there and cried and pescribed me two medications. he asked me what happened and what did I take and did not seem to care if it was triggering?? That bothered me the most. I tried to be strong and not cry too much. Did not ask me if i was okay. I just felt rushed and I didn't like that. like why tf would u ask me what happened and relieved that moment and try to remember what happened. I think that threw me off. I just need to get this out of my mind. Like what if he triggered my ptsd and i wanted to kill myself. Luckily right now I dont feel like that at all. I just suffer from anxiety and depression. My symptoms for ptsd I think are acute. I'm just anxious most of the time and can't do simple tasks. I dissociate most of the time thats the main problem. Also I can never sleep i always sleep around 3am. But as of right now, I dont feel suicidal I haven't felt like that in a while. I just feel numb like idk what happened in the last 6 months I didnt realized I was so depressed. My problem is feeling unmotivated most of the time. I'm just so thankful for my sister to reach out when it was the perfect timing. Like even with the pharmacy was acting difficult. It was God and the universe protecting me. I am so grateful and thankful this happened. If i got my meds right away, i would of taken them. But so glad I didnt. My sister was there for me when I needed her. I could cry because all of this is overwhelming thats why I put it off for so many years. I can't believe I i was struggling since 2017. I can't believe I never took care of myself. Its just crazy how long I struggled for. 7 years of struggling with this. It's time to take action and help myself. My goal is to take care of my health spirtually,mentally and physically. I know it's going to take time but I recovered so much of my symptoms already. I recovered from having an eating disorder, I know i can concentrate more, I know my triggers, I'm so grateful God made sure I am alive today. Thankful fo my well being, my sister, my bella, my parents for not pressuring me to do something I dont want to do. i want to see what my life would look for a year from now. I am ready for change, I am ready for meds, I am ready to cure my anxiety and depression.

[forestryfae]

oh my fuckign god "did you wash clothes today" yes hi hello how are you how are you feeling are you doing well is the depression and general lack of enrichment kicking your ass are you stressed cus you have a house and two cats and you dont know what to do with them how was christmas vacation did you have fun did you live in a house where it was a constant 10c or less except for the maybe 17c you had in your bedroom? are you getting psychiatric care and medication to help you with your mental health problems?

no cus washing clothes and bugging me about it is more important. i tried to do some yesterday but we went for a walk and it was longer than expected cus they said it was short and never elaborated so i was exhausted and pissed for the rest of the day i am constantly exhausted and pissed. i have NO energy. i cant get people to talk to me when i want them to but everyone collectively has decided that when im upset and angry is the best time to reach out, when its literally too late and im already on edge and i can not fucking communicate properly how fucking hard is it for people to just. actually acknowledge that i have depression and ocd and probably other shit too and that that takes a huge toll on me, combined with just in general having a shit physical health that means i cant go for hour long walks with NO breaks in shit weather while im walking two times faster than my usual speed cus everyone with long legs or good physical health are unwilling to slow down at all or take breaks or WAIT for those of us who need them

jesus fucking christ its so infuriating how every time we go on longer walks and the people in front of us stop theyve had like a 5 minute break. and we get there and we dont even get a break. they start walking before we even reach them. so its fucking constant. my legs are fucking aching to the point where i will start crying if i dont get to take a break but thats not important. how fucking self centered and unempathic can someone be.

literally everything is OUR responsibility but we still get treated like kids and when we do our part we get their part shoved in our faces with a fun dash of "well why did you just do this why didnt you remind us" like FUCK OFF. the assholes cant even give me my penicillin without me reminding them i have recieved NO follow up after coming back from vacation i havent had anyone to talk to and my support contact, as much as i try to give her credit for the stuff she does and i try to be grateful that she atleast tries and she wants better for me than what i have, is missing most of the time and doesnt reach out to me and is completely incapable of understanding that i need them to actually d their jobs without blaming me when shit goes wrong.

holy fucking hsit how hard would it have been for them to ask "hey i know you hate going home and didnt want to, how was it at home, what happened at your house, are you doing okay after christmas vacation? hows your teeth didnt you have a medical emergency w your teeth? how do you wnat to restart your routines do you need help with that?" like its their fucking job to help me and i get fucking nada. can people just for once actually act like i have feelings and emotions and i need them to actually be validated and acknowledged without feeling like i need to justify them and defend them every time i have them?

[jamiec860]

A New Beginning, I Think

Lately, I've been really depressed. I started new medication and at first, it helped but the wave of sadness still hits me at least once a day. Thoughts of despair and loneliness starts to kick in, mostly when I'm believing that I am having a good day.

Today at work, I cried in the bathroom after scrolling through a bit of TikTok. I watched this clip from the show Shameless. I haven't watched the show in a while so I'm not sure who the girl was, but she had abandoned her child. I watched it about 3 times. Hearing that little boy say "Hi mom," really broke my heart, mostly when she didnt want him to call her that. I understand when people have children young, they might regret their choices and wished they were in a better place for their children. I totally understand that. Sometimes I just wish that I had a child to love, that I had someone to love me and my child. I want a family. I really do. I want it so bad that it hurts. Since my abortion back in August, I find myself in my job's bathroom sobbing my eyes out. It's not easy working at the front desk of a hotel and seeing happy familes walk through the lobby.

I'm jealous.

My mom hates when I say that. She says that someone will come along and love me like Z used to. I always think about Z. I don't think I go a week without saying his name or a thought running through my mind about him. I wanted a family with him so bad. I wanted to marry him and be with him forever, but life doesn't go the way you want it too unfortunately. 2 abortions later, I finally get that.

Don't get me wrong. I love being able to have the life that I have. It could be worse for me, and I know that, but sadly that doesn't make me feel better. The world is such a terrible place that I shouldn't want to bring a child into this world, but I do. I want to see my baby, see their smile and hear them call me "mommy". I want a teenager son who friends think I'm hot. I want to be the badass mom at the PTA. I want to make the best cookies on the street. I want that! I know I'm young and I could still have that, but my life is adding up from my timeline that I thought I had when I was a teenager.

My best friend of almost 10 years has 2 beautiful sons with a guy that loves her and who's a great father. I feel like she takes it for granted. She cheated on him and left her kids for days to be a stripper. She had her reasons but sometimes I get so mad at her because I want what she has. I want the guy I want the beautiful kids. She became a mother young, and I know she didn't even want to be a mother at first but now she is. I know she wants to live her 20s and be young and free, but she has responsibilities and she's not taking care of them. She makes me so mad that I called my mom and cried.

I just really want to meet a guy that doesn't just want me for my body. I recently met up with an old friend that I've known for 3 years. I know he wanted to just have sex and yet we never did in the time that we've known each other. He looked me in my eyes and said he loved looking into my eyes. That shit right there still has me thinking about him. I've been texting him for the past few days and he rarely responds so I'm sure he only wants sex but when he said that I felt seen. I don't want to think of myself as "easy" but sometimes I can be when I want a man's touch. Ugh, I felt weird saying that. I don't even know where I'm going with this.

Tomorrow, I start that TikTok challenge 75 hard but I'm going to do the soft version of it. I am excited because I do believe my life needs some stability to it and I feel like this would help me a lot. I need to read more books that aren't fanfiction lol (as much as I love it). I'm going to be going to the gym every day for 45 minutes. Eating healthier and reading more books. I have a ton of books that I really need to get through. I also need to get back into crocheting. I had a business with one of my closest friends, but I just wasn't crocheting enough to upload onto the Etsy site.

I met this older guy last week. He was the nicest person I ever met; I think. He told me that 2024 will be my year. He said I had the most beautiful smile that he has ever seen and that my personality really shines. He almost made me cry honestly. It feels nice when someone sees what I see about myself. It makes me feel not so crazy. Anyway, I'm babbling again so I'm going to wrap this up. I don't think anyone ever sees these, but I like having a little venting diary. Thank for reading if you found this and I want you to know that you matter.

[reinekes-fox]

A serious post, tw: nazis

So I recently saw a video ranting about a book going something like this: "american girl meets a german POW" "So... a nazi?"

And please, can Americans, and maybe maybe the world too: learn the difference between the fanatics (the crazys who believed in the race bs) and that guys who were drafted and didnt wanted to get shot because they didnt go!

Because guess what? If you got drafted and didnt show up? You are in big trouble, and your whole family as well!

There are stories about soldiers of all sides helping civilians, almost as much as there are stories about soldiers doing harm to civilians. German soldiers did war crimes, Russians did too, Americans too! Only today are we beginning to know about the rapings done by american soldiers and the victims, woman and man, kept quiet for decades.

A normal soldier is capable of the worst things, as well as good things.

Now, who would end up an american or british POW, early enough in the war to be sent to the USA? Regular army, most likely Luftwaffe, air force.

So lets take Erich Hartmann, best ace the Luftwaffe ever had. One of those that followed the unspoken honour code (i.e. not shooting at the pilot on a parachute) on the eastern front. He was held prisoner from 1945-1955 in soviet Russia, among many others who were simple soldiers but the Sovjets said that they were mass murderers, fanatics, SS and kept them for ten years.

Another example:

Now, where those things doable at for example the Blitz? Or on the other side, when the US and UK bombed german cities day and night? Off course not.

They were army soldiers, following orders. Gruesome orders in a needless war. And dont even get me started on the war crimes in the pacific.

However even here we have a fascinating example of a "good nazi"

John Rabe, one of the foreigners in Nanking during the infamous Rape o Nanking, trying to save the chinese foreigners with the other foreigners. (What happened to China beforehand is also another different topic)

So yes, Nazis were those people that immediatly come to mind, but also people such as John Rabe. Normal soldiers, normal people, and the crazy ones as well. There is a difference between someone who believes in nazi bs and someone who is using his or her position to help.

Not SS, with a killing cause (now there also were small acts of resistance but the majority went along with it, leading to the atrocities and even worse). For example the wife of a camp officer of a KZ shot at prisoners from her balcony for sports, her little daughter clapped wen she hit someone...

However here too we have a counter example:

She was a resistance fighter, working in Ausschwitz and helping the prisoners by smuggling weapons, medical utensils and actually treating them correctly, known as the "Engel von Ausschwitz", the angel of ausschwitz.

There even were plenty of resistance in the german army itself and even the leader and most of the high ranking members of the military secret service! Which the SS always wanted to get their hands on.

A list of the assassination attempts on Shitler, also available in english, where you will also notice german people and normal soldiers:

For example

Wilhelm Canaris, the head of the german military secret service. He saved jewish lives by employing them as agents ans sending them into switzerland. Just one example of the things he did, he was sent to a KZ and executed 1945 by the SS.

Sources:

available in english, more sources are linked there as well.

Now why is that still relevant? Why am I ranting about a topic that has nothing to do with me (except my ancestors being gassed in Ausschwitz while the other half fought against soviet Russia)?

Because it is still relevant.

Here is Greece 2013, when Greece was struggling with inflation (also in 2012 they were marching around in nazi uniforms, holding pictures of Merkel as Shitler):

When my english teacher was called a Nazi in the UK and got gifted a box with a swastika in the US since "we like Shitler so much". When Irish think it is funny to sing the whole german national anthem instead of the normal one to german coworkers (which is illegal here), when stupid tourists do the Shitler salute and think of it as a joke (and are surprised when they get arrested and fined).

We cant escape those 12 dark years. And we arent allowed too, we learn about it in school (in south germany, east germany is another story), so that something like that can never happen again! Our government is paying money to holocaust survivors so they can live in comfort. This is our responsibility and we take it very seriously.

I remember being twelve years old and looking at pictures of dead people in Ausschwitz. The place where a part of my family was killed. My other great grandfather got drafted in WW2, he fought because he would be shot if he didnt. Imagine someone calling this man who loved his jewish wife so so much (they met after WW2) a nazi just because he was forced into the army is the worst I ever felt.

[justtogetthrough]

I spent FOUR GOD DAMN HOURS at a walk in clinic tonight to get my stitches out because my arm has not been healing well, I was worried they'd fall open like the other one did and didn't wanna deal with it, and the stitches are really tight and i wasn't sure I could maneuver scissors one handed and just... overall didn't wanna deal with it.

But where I'm from we don't have walk in clinics so I wasn't expecting to wait FOUR HOURS. The small town hospital would have been quicker than this city clinic. I was getting more and more distressed and was about to leave to come home and get really high and just rip them out of me because I'm so sick of how painful they are. Then the doctor called me in.

I took off my sweater and explained I usually just take these out myself but I'm not healing well, this other one with all the steristrips popped back open when I removed the stitches, and I'm also kinda concerned these ones are infected so wanted someone else to do it this time.

He took one look and was like holy shit yeah that's infected, I am absolutely not taking those stitches out right now with all that going on because you don't want open wounds with that much infection. You need to clear up the infection and probably leave the stitches in for 10-12 days in order to have a chance to finally heal. (I explained today is day 8 so they're due to come out, nevermind that I usually never leave them in past 4 or 5 days...)

So anyway it's so bad he not only gave me 10 days worth of antibiotics but also LITERAL NARCOTIC PAINKILLERS because of how nasty it looks. I didnt even ask for painkillers, he straight up offered. And I feel so vindicated because now I realize my arm has been infected for probably like 5 or 6 days and that I'm not being a baby with how severe and unbearable the pain has been. I told him I've been using a topical antibiotic with lidocaine to try to control the pain and asked why the antibiotic part didn't treat this and he was basically like, a topical ointment won't do shit for what you have going on unfortunately.

I went to the clinic for 5 pm when they opened so I took the dressing off around 3 to dry out the ointment and stuff so he could remove the stitches, and the 7 hours of not having antibiotic cream on it has really shown that that shit was merely holding the infection back, minimally, at best. In the 7 hours it's been uncovered my skin has become so swollen and blistered and it's actually so painful I can't turn the key in my car or even shift from park/drive/reverse or do anything with my arm that requires force or strength.

And I almost walked out of that clinic before being seen because I didn't bring any meds with me or anything to do and wasn't prepared for hours of waiting around sick people who were so god damn overstimulating and so I was on the brink of meltdown all night. My friend offered to come sit with me at 9 after class if I was still waiting and I told them if I'm not seen by 9 I'm going to decapitate myself in the god damn waiting room. And then suggested maybe they don't wanna be around me while I'm this distressed lol. Thankfully the doctor called me in 5 mins later.

My arm is fucking gnarly and I'm putting the lidocaine cream back on it because my arm is so puffy it looks like it's being suffocated by the stitches. I wonder if I have a hydrocortisone cream. I am so motherfuckimg distressed by this and a systemic infection probably explains why I've spent so much of the last 3 days sleeping (I fell asleep during a meeting today even, and have done almost zero work this week) and why my other wounds aren't healing and why my skin is blistering from medical tape and idk just a whole assortment of things that have been weird but not evidently something serious on their own.

At least now I know why this hurts so god damn much ;___;

The antibiotics are supposed to start helping by 24 hours so wish me luck.

This has been the worst 3 weeks of a loooong time and I'm fucking mad about everything.