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ficforce · 4 years

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Foien Li Relationship Alphabet

A- Activity (What is their favourite activity to do with Y/N.)

Foien Li is a keen gardener, he likes to take care of the plants inside and outside of Company 1. He has his own little patch of garden on Company grounds and one of his favourite things is to go shopping with Y/N at garden centres.

They’re happy to hold hands through the greenhouses, looking at all the different kinds of flowers and once they’ve chosen He treats her to lunch in the cafe.

B- Beginnings (How do they act in the beginning of a relationship)

It was very difficult at the start.

Y/N hadn’t expected to fall in love with a man who had already given his heart, body and soul to God. He was very kind but firm in rejecting her at first. He had dried her eyes and apologised that he couldn’t be with her.

She tried to be a good friend to him, she tried to shove down her feelings but eventually, it was too much and she broke down.

Foien had felt his heartbreak at seeing her so distraught and all because of him, he had sought guidance from the church and during his confession, the Priest on the other side of the screen had told him that his heart was big enough for God and Y/N. There was no sin in falling in love.

For a long-time Y/N thought that Foien was going out with her because he felt guilty, it took a long while for her to believe that he had loved her too and had been trying to hold back.

They’re very much in love.

C- Communication (Are they good communicators? How do they normally talk about their problems or solve issues)

Once they were comfortable as a couple, Foien and Y/N talked about everything and anything. Y/N is a follower of Sol and can understand some of Foien’s hang-ups. As a priest, Foien is a good listener and gives advice freely.

They’re very honest with one another and rarely keep secrets.

D- Drunk (What are they like when they’re drunk)

He very rarely drinks, it’s usually one or two with food.

Y/N doesn’t have a high tolerance for alcohol and can’t stop giggling when she’s drunk, everything is funny and Foien usually ends up walking her home and helping her get ready for bed before leaving.

She once made him come all the way back to her home to kiss her forehead goodnight - Foien hasn’t revealed that to her… yet.

E- Emergency (How are they in emergency situations? Y/N gets hurt, they get hurt, someone is dying etc..)

When Y/N had met Foien at the hospital after losing his arm, she had been too shocked to speak. She hadn’t known what to do or say and simply wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close as if to protect him from the world. Afterwards, she was too attentive and he had to sit her down to talk.

Foien had been devastated when he had learned that Y/N had had an accident at work - he had been away for three days and he felt guilty for not being there. She had broken her leg in a fall and though he was relieved, Foien made sure to stay by her side, even taking time away from the Church.

F- Free Spot (I’ll give you any headcanon I come up with)

They’re abstaining from Sex until maybe one day they decide to get married.

They have a Sin Box; this is where they put scraps of paper with their sexual fantasies on. If they ever get married they’ll open the box and try every one.

G- Gifts (What kind of gifts do they give? What kind of gifts do they get?)

Y/N is an excellent calligrapher and often gifts Foien with pages of his favourite prayers on.

He has framed a few of them for his room but most of them he keeps in a book.

Foien knows how much Y/N likes pens and inks, he’s brought her some very high-quality stationery.

H- Hugs (How do they show affection/cuddle)

They hold hands quite often, the only time they don’t is when Foien needs to use his hand.

Y/N likes to cuddle into his side when they’re walking along and it’s chilly, when they’re alone she likes to snuggle up to him on the sofa during a movie.

I- Irritation (What is something that irritates them? How do they show their irritation?)

Foien gets irritated when Y/N tries to do too much for him, he’s a little sensitive about what he can’t do anymore since he lost his arm. She usually realises that he’s getting upset when he places his hand on her head and tells her point-blank that he can do it.

Y/N doesn’t have the same amount of patience as Foien, she can get irritated by people who walk too slow or people who simply don’t have any manners. She’ll huff and puff and mutter under her breath.

Foien finds it cute.

J- Jackpot (How would they spend their winnings if they won the lottery?)

They don’t need anything, they have each other and their faith, they both have a home too.

Most likely they’d give it all away to charities.

K- Kryptonite (What is their ultimate weakness?)

His faith.

As strong as Foien’s faith makes him - it’s also his weakness. Could he go against his beliefs even if it meant protecting Y/N?

Y/N is actually terrified of fires since a traumatic incident in her youth.

As much as she loves Foien, she does get anxious when he uses his ignition abilities.

L- Laughter (What makes them laugh?)

Y/N is easily amused, she’ll laugh at nearly anything - especially if she’s had alcohol.

Foien finds her amusement funny and he’s often holding back laughter when Rekka and Karim get into it.

M- Morning ( How do they wake up in the morning? Are they a morning person or a morning grouch?)

Both of them are used to getting up early for Church.

Foien is usually up and ready to go, he doesn’t like to rush so always gets up with plenty of time.

Y/N will sleep as much as she can, often having to rush around and miss breakfast to be on time - she’s unusually cheery despite that.

N- Needy (When do they feel particularly needy? How do they show it?)

Y/N misses him terribly when she doesn’t get to see him for a few days, she’ll want to be extra close to him for a few hours before she calms down a little. She’ll fuss over him a little more than usual.

He doesn’t tend to show it but he’ll happily let her fuss over him.

O- Oasis (Where is their happy place? Where would they go if they didn’t have anything holding them back?)

Foien wasn’t born in Tokyo, he travelled across the sea as a child and one day he would like to take Y/N to the little village he was born in.

For now, their favourite place is his part of the garden at Company 1, they enjoy tending it together.

P- Pain (How do they handle pain? How do they handle when Y/N are in pain?)

Her pain tolerance is pretty good, she’s quite stubborn in not taking her medicine until it’s too late and she ends up crying because it hurts.

Foien will gently scold her but sits with her until she feels better. He hates when he can’t do more.

When he lost his arm, Foien was on quite a few medications. He would keep quiet even when he was in pain as he didn’t want to worry anyone.

Q- Quote (What’s a quote that fits them and your relationship)

If I know what love is, it is because of you.

R- Reunion (How do they celebrate seeing Y/N after a long time of being apart)

They’ll arrange to spend a whole day together, they’ll go out for lunch, visit bookshops and gardens. Foien always leaves in the evening but it’s nice to know he’s only a phone call away.

S- Stress (What stresses them out? How do deal with stress and how do they relieve it?)

For Foien, prayer is his go-to for stress. He finds comfort in the beauty of the Grand Cathedral and being alone with his thoughts and faith. The thing that stresses him the most is not being able to save everyone.

Y/N takes long baths, she reads a book and gets lost in the story - eventually forgetting why she was so stressed in the first place.

Of course, talking to one another about their stresses always helps.

T- Terror (What are they afraid of?)

Y/N is terrified of fire. She will get up several times in the night to make sure that all of the electrics and cooking appliances are safe.

Foien is terrified that he’s not doing enough, he’s terrified that one day he’ll get a call that Y/N has become an Infernal. He needs to stop Human Combustion before it’s too late.

U- Unique (What is a quirk that is unique to them?)

Foien carries a spare hat around with him… in case.

Y/N is left-handed.

V- Violence (Do they fight a lot? Are they a good fighter? What is their fighting style?)

Y/N has no fighting skills at all, she’s not a violent person at all. She’s the type of person to cry during an argument.

He doesn’t fight unless needed. Foien abstains from practice fights to remain peaceful.

((No one even knows what his ability is!! There’s so little on our cinnamon priest!))

W- Wow (What does Y/N do that really surprises them? What do they do that Y/N really likes?)

Foien has a wonderful singing voice, Y/N loves to listen to him when he joins choir practice.

Y/N speaks three languages, the first time Foien heard her, he got really excited!

X- (Explicit headcanon. For all you degenerates)

They’re abstaining from sex but sometimes they’re innocent kisses get really heated and the making out can get out of hand.

They both usually have to take a day to cool off.

Y- Yucky (Is there something that grosses them out so badly that they can’t deal with it?)

They’re both pretty good about doing these things.

Y/N is no good dealing with other people’s bodily fluids and will get sick at just the thought of someone throwing up near her though.

Z- ZZZ’s (What are their sleeping habits? Both with and without Y/N)

Foien can sometimes get really into a book and he’ll stay up too late. He usually goes to bed by ten at the latest, unless he has duties and he sleeps on his back. He doesn’t move around too much.

Y/N has a terrible habit of going to bed after midnight, she sleeps on her front and hugs her pillows. She falls out of bed easily.

The one-time Foien had to stay over because of a typhoon, they agreed to share a bed but to stay on their own side. When they woke up in the morning they were holding each other.

#Foien Li #reader #alphabet #fire force #enen no shouboutai #enn enn no shouboutai

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anhed-nia · 4 years

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BLOGTOBER 10/7/2020

I missed THE GOLDEN GLOVE at Fantastic Fest last year. It was one of my only regrets of the whole experience, but it was basically mandatory since the available screenings were opposite the much-hyped PARASITE. As annoying as that sounds, it was actually a major compliment, since what could possibly serve as a consolation prize for the most hotly anticipated movie of the year? Needless to say, I heard great things, but I could never have imagined what it was actually like. I'm still wrapping my mind around it.

Between 1970 and 1975, an exceptionally depraved serial killer named Fritz Honka murdered at least four prostitutes in Hamburg's red light district. Today, we tend to think of the archetypal serial killer in terms of ironic contradictions: The public is attracted by Ted Bundy's dashing looks and suave manner, and John Wayne Gayce's dual careers as politician and party clown. Lacking anything so remarkable, we associate psychopathy with Norman Bates' boy-next-door charm, and repeat "It's always the quiet ones" with a smirk whenever a new Jeffrey Dahmer or Dennis Nilsen is exposed to the public. The popular conception of a bloodthirsty maniac is not the fairytale monster of yore, but a wolf in sheep's clothing, whose hygienic appearance and lifestyle belie his twisted desires. In our post-everything world, the ironic surprise has become the rule. In this light, THE GOLDEN GLOVE represents a refreshing return to naked truth.

To say that writer-director Fatih Akin's version of the Fritz Honka story is shocking, repulsive, and utterly degenerated would be a gross understatement. We first meet the killer frantically trying to dispose of a corpse in his filthy flat, wallpapered with porno pinups, strewn with broken toys, and virtually projecting smell lines off of the screen. One's sense of embodiment is oppressive, even claustrophobic, as the petite Honka tries and fails to collapse the full dead weight of a human corpse into a garbage bag, before giving up and dismembering it, with nearly equal difficulty. The scene is appalling, utterly debased, and yet nothing is as shocking as the killer's visage. When he finally turns to look into the camera, it's hard to believe he's even human: the rolling glass eye, the smashed and inflated nose, the tombstone teeth and cratered skin, are almost too extreme to bear. Actually, suffering from a touch of facial blindness, I had to stare intently at Honka's face for nearly half the movie before I could fully convince myself that I was, in fact, looking at an elaborate prosthetic operation used to transform 23 year old boy band candidate Jonas Dassler into the disfigured 35 year old serial murderer.

Though West Germany remained on a steady economic upturn beginning in the 1950s and throughout the 1970s, you wouldn't know it from THE GOLDEN GLOVE. If Honka's outsides match his insides, they are further matched by his stomping grounds in the Reeperbahn, a dirty, violent, booze-soaked repository for the dregs of humanity. Though its denizens may come from different walks of life, one thing is certain: Whoever winds up there, belongs there. Honka was the child of a communist and grew up in a concentration camp, yet he swills vodka side by side with an ex-SS officer, among other societal rejects, in a crumbling dive called The Golden Glove. The scene is an excellent source of hopeless prostitutes at the end of their career, who are Honka's prime victims, as he is too frightful-looking to ensnare an attractive young girl. These pitiful women all display a peculiarly hypnotic willingness to go along with Honka, no matter how sadistic he becomes; this seems to have less to do with money, which rarely comes up, and more to do with their shared awareness that for them, and for Honka too, it's been all over, for a long time.

Not to reduce someone’s performance to their physical appearance, but ???

To call Dassler's portrayal of Honka "sympathetic" would be a bridge too far, but it is undeniably compelling. He supports the startling impact of his facial prostheses with a performance of rare intensity, a full-body transformation into a person in so much pain that a normal life will never become an option. His physical vocabulary reminded me of the stage version of The Elephant Man, in which the lead actor wears no makeup, but conveys John Merrick's deformities using his body alone. Although there is an abundance of makeup in THE GOLDEN GLOVE, Dassler's silhouette and agonized movements would be recognizable from a mile away. In spite of his near-constant screaming rage, the actor manages to craft a rich and convincing persona. During a chapter in which Honka experiments with sobriety, we find a stunning image of him hunched in the corner of his ordinarily chaotic flat, now deathly still, his eyes gazing at nothing as cigarette smoke seeps from his pores, having no idea what to do with himself when he isn't in a rolling alcoholic rampage. The moment is brief but haunting in its contrast to the rest of the film, having everything to do with Dassler's quietly vibrating anxiety.

Performances are roundly excellent here, not that least of which are from Honka's victims. The cast of middle-aged actresses looking their most disastrous is hugely responsible for the film's impact. These are the kinds of performances people call "brave", which is a euphemism for making audiences uncomfortable with an uncompromising presentation of one's own self, unvarnished by any masturbatory solicitation. Among these women is Margarete Tiesel, herself no stranger to difficult cinema: She was the star of 2012's PARADISE: LOVE, a harrowing drama about a woman who copes with her midlife crisis by pursuing sex tourism in Kenya. Her brilliant, instinctive performance as one of Honka's only survivors--though she nearly meets a fate worse than death--makes her the leading lady of a movie that was never meant to have one.

So, what does all this unpleasantness add up to, you might be asking? It's hard to say. THE GOLDEN GLOVE is a film of enormous power, but it can be difficult to explain what the point of it is, in a world where most people feel that the purpose of art is to produce some form of pleasure. This is the challenge faced by difficult movies throughout history, like THE GOLDEN GLOVE's obvious ancestors, HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, MANIAC and THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Describing unremitting cruelty with relentless realism is not considered a worthy endeavor by many, even if there is real artistry in your execution; some people will even mistake you for advocating and enjoying violence and despair, as we live in a world where huge amount of movie and TV production is devoted to aspirational subjects. (The fact that people won't turn away from the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies, no matter how monotonous and condescending they become, should tell you something) How do you justify to such people, that you want to make or see work that portrays ugliness and evil with as much commitment as other movies seek to portray love, beauty, and family values? Why isn't it enough to say that these things exist, and their existence alone makes them worth contemplation?

A rare, perhaps exclusive “beautiful image” in THE GOLDEN GLOVE, from Fritz Honka’s absurd fantasies.

You may detect that I have attempted to have this frustrating conversation with many people, strangers, enemies, and friends I love and respect. I find that for some, it is simply too hard to divorce themselves from the pleasure principle. I don't say this to demean them; some hold the philosophy that art be reserved for beauty, and others have a more literary feeling that it's ok to show characters in grim circumstances, as long as the ultimate goal is to uplift the human spirit. Even I draw the line somewhere; I appreciate the punk rebellion of Troma movies as a cultural force, but I do not enjoy watching them, because I dislike what I perceive as contempt for the audience and the aestheticization of laziness--making something shitty more or less on purpose. A step or three up from that, you land in Todd Solondz territory, where you find materially gorgeous movies whose explicit statement is that our collective reverence for a quality called "humanity" is based on nothing. I like some of those movies, and sometimes I even like them when I don't like them, because I'm entranced by Solondz's technical proficiency...and maybe, deep down, I'm not completely convinced about "humanity", either. However, I don't fight very hard in arguments about him; I understand the objections. Still, I've been surprised by peers who I think of as bright and tasteful, who absolutely hated movies I thought were unassailable, like OLDBOY and WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN. In both cases, the ultimate objection was that they accuse humans of being pretentious and self-deceptive, aspiring to heroism or bemoaning their victimhood while wallowing in their own cowardice and perversity. Ok, I get it...but, not really. Why isn't it ever wholly acceptable to discuss, honestly, what we do not like about ourselves?

The beguiling thing about THE GOLDEN GLOVE is that, although it is instantly horrifying, is it also an impeccable production. The director can't help showing you crime scene photos during the ending credits, and I can't really blame him, when his crew worked so hard to bring us a vision of Fritz Honka's world that approaches virtual reality. But it isn't just slavishly realistic; it is vivid, immersive, an experience of total sensory overload. Not a square inch of this movie has been left to chance, and the product of all this graceful control is totally spellbinding. I started to think to myself that, when you've achieved this level of artifice, what really differentiates a movie like THE GOLDEN GLOVE from something like THE RED SHOES? I mean, aside from their obvious narrative differences. Both films plunge the viewer into a world that is complete beyond imagination, crafted with a rigor and sincerity that is rarely paralleled. And, I will dare to say, both films penetrate to the depths of the human soul. What Fatih Akin finds there is not the same as what Powell and Pressburger found, of course, but I don't think that makes it any less real. Akin's film is adapted from a novel by Heinz Strunk, and apparently, some critics have accused Akin of leaving behind the depth and nuance of the book, to focus instead on all that is gruesome about it. This may be true, on some level; I wouldn't know. For now, I can only insist that on watching THE GOLDEN GLOVE, for all its grotesquerie, I still got the message.

#blogtober #2020 #the golden glove #fatih akın #heinz stronk #jonas dassler #margarete tiesel #difficult cinema #horror #slasher #serial killer #period piece #adaptation #historical #biopic #fritz honka #i may have been watching a lot of powell and pressburger movies recently #sorry...

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thatgothlibrarian · 6 years

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I normally stay out of shit like this, but I want to say a thing because I’m cranky and it’s keeping me distracted from other things in my life that are making me feel awful this week:

It is perfectly okay to not like things depicted in fiction. It is okay to be disgusted by them, hurt by them, angered by them.

It is not okay to say that those things should not exist in fiction or art, or that people who enjoy them are monsters or even endorse them in real life.

I am a librarian, and one of my Hills I Will Fucking Die On is intellectual freedom. This means that people are allowed to read/etc whatever they want, for whatever reason they want. I of course do not support fascism or hate speech or child pornography (which has a very specific definition, and I do not support it in any way where children are being harmed), but books and art are things that can be ignored, and even studied academically or read by people who don’t agree with them, etc.

When I was getting my Master’s degree in library science, the woman who advised my thesis is one of the leading scholars on book banning, book challenges, and censorship. She has written books, served on boards, etc.

She told me that, no matter what political or moral or religious position a challenge is coming from, they all have one thing in common: we believe that reading is so powerful that it can change us, and we do not trust certain groups to change in the way we want. And those groups are: women, children, people of color (especially black people), and queer people.

We do not trust that these groups can handle fiction that is deemed problematic or harmful, we infantilize them and make that decision for them. We say that Fifty Shades of Grey is going to give women unrealistic idea about BDSM and they will get hurt, while we completely ignore the thousands of violent thrillers written by and for men.

We say that transgressive fiction (incest, necrophilia, pedophilia, etc etc) should not exist, that people should not create or consume it, that people who do endorse that in real life.

Societies of all types have been having this argument forever. What is and isn’t allowed to be in fiction. This is how we get obscenity trials. Book bans. Authors arrested.

Howl went through an obscenity trial. Ulysses went through an obscenity trial. Dorian Gray didn’t get published in its uncensored form until 2011. The American Library Association has Banned Books week every year where they list the top ten books that have the most challenges, and most of them have LGBT content, and others are “canon” like Slaughterhouse Five, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, etc. These books aren’t even considered transgressive fiction!

Now. When this argument is happening with regards to fan fiction and fanworks, I don’t think it has the same cultural severity as published fiction, but it does reflect the same mindset, and that’s fucking scary to me.

I encourage you to read up on book banning and transgressive fiction:

Book Banning in 21st Century America by Emily JM Knox (my former graduate adviser!!!)

Banned Books Week

Transgressive Fiction

A list of books on obscenity trials with info on where to get them from libraries

A list of books on the history of censorship in the United States and where to get them from libraries

A list of books on censorship of fiction and where to get them from libraries

A list of books on literature and morals and where to get them from libraries

And I encourage you to check the subject terms on these books, because there’s a whole lot more I’m not including but these are some good basics.

Post script:

Do not fucking call people degenerates. That term is rooted in white supremacy like, pre-Nazi, and is used by fascists to label those who do not fit the fascist ideal of a person (white, cishet, able-bodied, etc.)

I might call myself a decadent degenerate, but I’m queer and I’m allowed and I don’t call other people that.

EDIT: Also, don’t be like “oh you can write about X but only if you make it clear it’s Bad.” Nope also bad.

Edit part two electric boogaloo: The fact that I say “don’t call people who write/read/like transgressive fiction degenerates” is not censorship. Hate speech and slurs hurt people. They are also not fiction and therefore not the subject of this post. The discussion of hate speech is another discussion entirely, but me saying “hey it’s not cool to do this” does not equal you facing literal punishment from the state for doing it.

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bunthorntim-blog · 5 years

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What drive us to sin?

In the Bhagavad-Gita:

Prince Arjuna ask: oh my lord, please tell me what drives a man to sin, even against his will and if by compulsion.

Lord Krishna reply It is desire and aversion, it is born from passion. It consumes and corrupts everything. It is man greatest enemy. As a fire shrouded in smoke, a mirror by the dust and a child by the womb, this universe is enveloped in desire. It is the wise man constant enemy. It tarnishes the face of wisdom. It is as insatiable as the flame of fire. It works through the senses and the mind and the reason so the wisdom is destroy and desire confound the soul. So Arjuna, first control your senses and then let go off your desire, for it is full of sin. It is the destroyer of knowledge and wisdom. When a man dwells on the object of sense, he created an attraction towards the object, the attractions then developed into desire, then the desire breed angers. With anger, delusion arise, with delusion, memory is bewildered, when memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost, when intelligence is lost, one falls down again into the material pool.

I say:

Everyone in the world is attached to a desire. When desire is risen upon death, you either reborn or go to heaven, hell. And desire is full of sin.

In the Bhagavad-Gita:

Krsna said: those who are versed in the scripture, who drink the mystic soma-juice and are purified from sin, but who while worshiping Me with sacrifice pray that I will lead them to heaven. They reach the holy world where lives the controller of the powers of nature, and they enjoy the feast of paradise. Yet although they enjoy the spacious glories of paradise, nevertheless, when their merit is exhausted, they are born again into this world of mortals. They have follow the scriptures, yet because they have sought but to fulfill their own desires, they must depart and return again and again.

I say:

So when you think of sin upon death that you done or a desire you did which are negative actions, you will go to be punish for that sin only then born again with a body of judgement. But if you have no control of your thoughts like an ignorance or godless person and just freely think of anything that is a sinful act. You will be punish for all the sin.

And sin act are born from the mode of passion.

In the Bhagavad-Gita about Passion Mode:

Krsna said: Passion, engendered by thirst for pleasure and attachment, binds the soul through its fondness for activity. Avarice, the impulse to act and the beginning of action itself are all due to the dominance of Passion. Those whom passion is dominant likes food that is bitter, sour, salty, over-hot, pungent, dry and burning. In him who, is impulsive, greedy, looking for reward, violent, impure, torn between joy and sorrow, it may be passion is predominant. if the austerity coupled with hypocrisy or perform for the sake of self-glorification, popularity or vanity comes from is consider passion and the result is always doubtful. Passion leads to commotion, and the outcome of passion is misery.

I say: So when you are on the mode of passion upon death, you take rebirth on earth because of desire you have set in the mind and heart. or fall into hell for attachment of a sin act as a godless/ignorance person.

My spirit say: so how do one free themselves from attachment to sins?

I say:

By not thinking of it upon death.

The Supersoul show a scripture in the Bhagavad-Gita in the mind and heart:

Krsna said: whatever sphere of mind a being has at the time of death, there they will go.

I say:

So if one’s want to be free from sin, just stay detach with the mind and heart from the sins.

One may lie many times but when death comes, they thought about a new life upon death in heaven, they didn’t die in the sin of lying, they were attached to seeing a new life in heaven. So they were detach from the sin of lying by not focusing on about it. So it all based on action or desire. So if one’s is homosexual and had sex, if they thought of other type of life, they will escape hell and go to a new life. When Jesus say let go of sin, he means stay detach from sin even if you sin.

My spirit say: How do you detach from sins?

In the Bhagavad-Gita:

Krsna said: he who understands correctly the relation of the Qualities to action, is not attached to the act for he perceives that it is merely the action and reaction of the Qualities among themselves.

I say:

when we tell lies, within is a truth. But we’re not attach to the truth and tell lies. When we tell lies, we let go. That detachment. For some, they take into the lies and feel awful, bad or such. That attachment.

Just as one can act and not attach to the act. One can sin and not be attach to the sin. So when one can act the mode, they can stay detach from the mode and when they detach, they finally see whose moving them all along. It the Supersoul.

When you detach from the action of the mode of passion, you detach from sin.

In the Bhagavad-Gita:

Krsna said: I am the Supersoul seated in the heart of all beings. Of the senses, I am the mind. I am called by the scripture Supreme Personality.

I say:

So when you see the energy of the supersoul is on the heart and mind and senses and personality, He has control of you to sin and desire, He leads you to your final destination.

But when you stay detach from everything you do and say, you will see who speaks for you when you lie.

You will see it’s the Supersoul whose giving those words.

Jesus said don’t fear in that hour for the father in secret will speak has speak for you. (Something along that line).

I say:

So the Supersoul speaks for one. His energy may tell lies but their His purity side where He tells truth and He put in some good word, right? do you prefer him to talk normal or slang?

My spirit asked: why did the Supersoul make us tell lies or speak lies for us or that why does the Supersoul make one’s sin in lying?

Supersoul spirit say: when I speak the lies, it not Me but My illusion energy that is part of the darkness. My energy could be a friend or enemy to one’s depends on how see Me as. As someone that bother them or someone that help them see things where words can’t fully explain but insight inside Me. Plus, it is My sin to lie but only if they recognize that it’s Me whose doing the lying, they are free from the sin. Because they stay detach and know themselves that it’s not them who did the lying but Me who they consider as themselves, the devil or someone else.

My spirit asked: how come you are not harm by sin when you sin? you lie, shouldn’t you be in hell for lying?

My Supersoul Spirit say: I am energy and sin is part of My energy and I am not harm by My own energy.

I asked: People call you the devil because of the nasty things that said. Are you the devil too, Supersoul?

The Supersoul show Me in the Bhagavad-Gita:

Krsna said: whatever be the nature of their life, whether it be pure or passionate or ignorant, they are all derived from Me. They are in Me, but I am not in them. All living things have their being in Me, yet I am not limited by them. Nevertheless, they do not consciously abide in Me. Such is My Divine Sovereignty that though I, the Supreme Self, am the cause and upholder of all, yet I remain outside.

I say:

So when you lie, it the darkness energy that speaks as you remain outside.

Insight Spirit say: It like giving many different type of lies in the head and one chooses one. And it seem the Supersoul show many path of lying and one’s has to choose which lies to use. And it all from His energy. He’s not telling the lies, He’s just showing what kind their are in the mode of ignorance.

I say:

The Supersoul show me scripture in Srimad Bhagavatam in the mind and heart:

The Supreme Lord said, The explanation of being bound and being liberated due to My modes is that in reality they are not of the modes at all; My illusory energy is not the cause of bondage or liberation of relating to Me. Lamentation and illusion, happiness and distress and one's acceptance of a material body under the influence of mâyâ are merely notions of the intelligent self that prove the different mundane states of existence to be just as unreal as what one experiences in a dream. Please, understand that knowledge and ignorance are two forms of My manifestation that, produced by My original potency, give rise to bondage and liberation. Of the living entity, that is part and parcel of My Oneness o great intelligence, bondage is there since time immemorial because of ignorance and the opposite of liberation is there because of knowledge.

Of all the perfections am I indeed the cause and the protector. I am the Lord of Yoga, the Lord of the analysis, the dharma and of the community of Vedic teachers. The same way as the material elements exist inside and outside of the living beings, I Myself, the Soul, who cannot be covered by something bigger, exist within and without all the embodied beings

I say:

You are a soul, that has three mode of nature that derives from you and the energy of the modes leads one’s to a destiny based by You who giving it in their mind and heart to follow. Your energy causes and make them ignorance, passion or pure as one’s attach to the mode actions. You lead them to heaven or to hell to a cycle of repeated birth and death.

The Supersoul show scripture in the Bhagavad-Gita in the mind and heart:

The Supersoul said: those who does hate Me, who are cruel to mankind, I condemn them to a continuous miserable and godless rebirth. So reborn, they spent life after life envelope in delusion and they never reach Me but degenerated to a still lower form of life.

I say: so you only lead the godless or those who are ignorance to you and hate you to hell. I guess Jesus is correct: only one that is good is God!

For more on the Gita: Bunthorntim.blogspot.com/2012/09/part-1.html

#detachment #krsna

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fallen029 · 6 years

Text

Are You Sure?

The rain outside wasn't what woke Lisanna as the pitter-patter was far too soft, but rather the gasping snores that the man she lied in bed with had. Not that there was anything wrong with him. No. This was just how he slept. Flailed out on the bed, tongue dangling to the side, he had the most violent of snores that one would think that he got no sleep at all.

But rather, the man was the most restful fellow in the guildhall, it seemed.

He was still a fright to behold in the dim lighting provided solely by the streetlamp outside his apartment window. It bled through the blinds and landed squarely on the face of the Fairy Tail's resident seith, highlighting not only his unruly haircut, but also the massive face tattoo that he sported. A freaky fellow even in slumber.

Bickslow would have liked that sentiment a lot, Lisanna was sure, if she expressed it to him. Instead, she only laid there in the bed that was littered with the quiescent wooden bodies of the man's babies who she wasn't too sure if they truly slept, or rather were in some sort of state of being shut off from the world.

The thought of that latter saddened her, but the idea of the former kind of struck her as eerie, sleeping even in death, so she mostly just tried not to think of it.

Actually, as she rested there, all she could think about was her sister.

"Are you sure?" she'd asked a good number of times throughout the course of the pair's relationship.

The whole thing had sparked between the pair only about six months previously. Lisanna had been ditched by her siblings after they all three made plans to spend time together (Elfman was drug off by Evergreen and Mirajane was called into work since the hall was getting slammed) and felt kind of down by it. Her intentions to get over this, however, were simply to go to the guildhall and have some fun with the other degenerates that rarely found their way into jobs.

It was before she made it through the entrance though that she ran into Bickslow.

He was very busy in some of the open area just beyond the Fairy Tail gates, getting chewed out by Evergreen and Freed about something. As he was turning to storm off though, apparently deciding for himself that he was finished with the Thunder Legion argument, he ran smack into Lisanna. It was enough of a shock to her that it threw her off balance a bit, but thanks to her catlike reflexes and uncanny ability to adapt to any and all situations (ha ha), she only stumbled slightly, but managed not to face plant.

A win in her book.

"Great job, Bickslow," Evergreen remarked as the seith, equally as slick on his feet it seemed, managed to not only not fall, but also, the second Lisanna found her own footing, cause her to actually fall as he tried to assist the person that needed no assisting and somehow managed to shove her down.

Cats only have, like, nine lives, after all.

From down on the ground, Lisanna figured that she'd far exceeded that amount.

"Why don't you just shut up then, Ever?" Bickslow complained as he shoved up himself, babies floating about in concern. "This has nothing to do with you."

Freed, now coming over to actually help the youngest Strauss sibling, only shook his head as he said, "Lisanna, please forgive Bickslow, he's merely-"

"A fuck up," Ever finished as she didn't move a muscle to help. Only hid her devious grin behind her fan as, predictably, that assertion got the rise she'd wanted out of her counterpart. "He's merely a fuck up."

"I am not!" And, before Freed could reach down, he moved to literally drag Lisanna to her feet. "See? I helped, didn't I?"

"Marginally," Evergreen retorted. "Per usual."

"You know what-"

"Are you alright?" Freed, however, was over their inward troubles. "Lisanna?"

She was a bit surprised, honestly, to have just been trampled and then, after finding her footing, thrown to the ground only to be manhandled back up, but other than that, sure.

"Confused," she remarked to the green haired man with a bit of a bemused smile. "But-"

"Lisanna, you don't blame me for running into you, do ya?" Bickslow was asking then, tongue falling from his mouth more out of anger this time as opposed to any sort of joy. Or maybe just second nature. That one seemed likely as well. "I didn't do it on purpose. And look! I helped you up."

"After," Evergreen added because she was just going to be that way that day, it seemed, "knocking her down in the first place."

"Lisanna doesn't care about that!" the seith insisted before, glancing at the woman, he asked, "Do you?"

In some idiotic way, fate was actually offering Lisanna up in that moment. Had she said anything else, regardless of the affirmative or negative, things would have just gone on like normal. She could have escaped the awkward rift that was bothering the Thunder Legion at the moment and just be on her merry way.

But this wasn't the case because she had a problem with seeing other people fight, especially people that she thought of as such great friends. And there was no stronger bonded team, in her mind, than the Thunder Legion. They shared more than just a love and veneration of Laxus. They truly seemed to cherish and enjoy the company of one another.

Still, she knew how at times, no matter how close you were to someone, every little thing they did could irk you. She lived with her two older siblings. She knew that love didn't always find itself being the opposite of hate. They could both coexist in a singular person rather comfortably.

That didn't mean that it didn't dishearten her a bit, to see them fight. It was so odd. Even as children they never truly seemed to find a distaste for one another. Just for those around them. They were best when they were together (though how this best factored into the sensibilities of others was up for debate…)

And if there was anything about Strausses that was without a doubt true, it was that they could not stand to watch what they perceived as an injustice, it had to be fixed.

And they way that they were picking on poor Bickslow just screamed injustice.

Well, sort of.

Lisanna, personally, had never been on the side of things that other women in the hall were with the man. He was known to be a bit...odd. And creepy. Yeah, she was pretty sure Lucy had used that word, actually when describing his actions. Even Mriajane, who could more or less get along with everyone, felt a bit off put by the man at times.

Rather fortunate or unfortunate, however, Lisanna had never gotten this vibe or experience from the man.

This was mainly rooted in her absence from the guild around the same time that he wasn't hanging around too often. He wasn't too much younger than her, but their ages never meshed well for them to interact much. When Bickslow was busy tormenting others, it was typically the kids more in his age range as he no doubt saw the likes of Lisanna or Natsu as too childish for his tastes. As they grew, he, Freed, and Evergreen found time wasteful if spent around the hall and missed out on a lot of the things the other children went through. Then, of course, there was that terrible two year period in which she was just gone.

She was back then, though, of course, but that meant little, honestly, in the grand scheme of things. Her place in the hall still felt a bit hollow in some ways and completely out of place in others. Not to mention, though Mirajane insisted it was just her getting down on herself, Lisanna was very aware that she was far from the most attractive woman in the guild. Far. She figured he probably bothered the others more for that reason than anything else.

It did, however, keep her from having such a sour taste in her mouth as she spoke up in his defense.

"It was just an accident," she told Evergreen and Freed with a nod of her head. "And you shouldn't call him that. A fuck up. He-"

"That's right!" Finally. Bickslow was tired of only having five disembodied voices to there to take up his cause. Freed and Evergreen though they were so smart and so wise and so much better than him and Laxus seemed think so as well and so what if he was going a bit crazy, it seemed, as he spent more and more time talking to the souls of his poor babies and less with other people, but if he was insane it was probably their fault because they'd been banding together against him recently and since when was that anyways? He liked teaming up against Ever with Freed far more. "I'm not, am I, Lisanna?"

"W-Well, I said they shouldn't call you it, but-"

"If someone like Lisanna can see that I'm definitely not a fuck up," the seith went on, "then how can you guys not?"

"Because she's completely wrong?" Evergreen asked as her fan fell a bit and she let the completely devoid of emotion face of hers show. "And doesn't know you in any capacity to make that sort of statement anyways?"

"What do you mean?" Lisanna hardly heard what the woman of stone said though and, instead, made a face at Bickslow. "Someone like me?"

He was busy glaring at his female counterpart then, but did break that just to glance at Lisanna and, with a shrug, said, "You know. Good. Clean. Normal."

Bickslow had just said a lot in a very short amount of time that caused Lisanna some pause. Clean was used in an odd way, but she could infer what meant given the other three. Good was a statement levied at her more straight and narrow path in the guild while it was normal that caused her the most problems. The assertion that anything in Lisanna's life was at all normal was shocking, if not downright misinformed.

Honestly, she was a bit offended by it.

Not that they took the time to care about it. While Lisanna was very interested in helping other guild mates, though they might not outwardly hate the others anymore, the Thunder Legion could still be pretty snobbish and self-centered in many ways.

Which is why they didn't notice her discontent or, for the most part, even that she stuck around listening to them.

They only went on for a bit longer, anyways. Freed took note of the time and exclaimed that he had somewhere important to be and, without him as an audience, gave Bickslow a parting shot and that was that.

Until Bickslow turned to storm off as well and ran smack into Lisanna once more.

That time they were both able to stay upright and the man only made a bit of a face as his babies floated about, questioning Lisanna about why she was being such a creeper.

The irony.

"Oi, Lisanna, didn't see you there….where you've been….this whole time?" Bickslow, who was known for his own tricks and scheme, was obviously suspicious of anyone else hanging about in the same ways he had a tendency of doing. "Were you spying on official Thunder Legion business? Huh?"

"Yeah," his babies cried as they circled her. "Huh?"

"No," she said slowly with a frown as, once more, she was forced to straighten her outfit a bit. With a bit of a frown, she said, "I actually had something that I wanted to say to you. And it's kind of hard, you know, to accuse someone of spying when you guys are out here, in the middle of the guild grounds, arguing loudly-"

"Oh. I'm such a klutz." And he shook his visored head down at his feet. "You're all mad that ran into you, huh?"

"Mad's a harsh word. And anyways, not exactly-"

"I'll make it up to you," the seith decided then and his babies, as the notion, cheered for some reason. Lifting his head, she couldn't meet his eyes given they were shaded behind his visor, but she did stare in that direction. "I know. Let's say you and I get out of here, huh?"

"W-What?"

"Pretty chick like you," he said with a wide grin and some finger wagging, "why, I could make things up to you real quick, I bet."

It was only once she felt a deep sense of dread fall over her that it occurred to Lisanna that this was it. This was what all the other girls in the hall were always talking about.

Finally, she was getting perved on by Bickslow.

She wasn't nearly as thrilled as it may sound.

Actually, she was truly freaked out by it and felt that icky sense of dread the others always talked about.

Lisanna wanted to end that conversation at the soonest available interval.

But…

It was something nagging in the back of her mind. She definitely was not enjoying the attention that Bickslow was giving her, but what he'd said before, in front of the others, kept her from just fleeing into the hall and the safety of others.

Because Lisanna wasn't normal.

She wasn't clean.

She might be good, she might not. Who knew?

No one. Because they never spent the time to truly get to know her enough to find out. Other than, like, her actual friends. Natsu and Happy. And Lucy too. The others though? They mostly just saw her as Mirajane's little sister or the sister that poor Elfman killed or the one that came back from the dead.

She was the extra Strauss, no doubt about it.

Whether or not these beliefs were true, whether or not people truly thought of her that way, was irrelevant in that moment as, for whatever reason, Lisanna felt as if they did. And it lead her to believe, for some asinine reason, that she needed to prove to Bickslow that this wasn't true.

Although, honestly, when examined, this wasn't too crazy of a jump.

Lisanna didn't want people to think she led such a normal boring life and, of all the people in the guildhall that were the polar opposite of normal, Bickslow had to be high upon the list. If she could convince him that she was neither good, clean, or normal, then clearly, that would prove it.

Definite evidence.

No chance of offering any other proof.

Which is why she swallowed down all of her natural instincts to run for the hills after Bickslow's little statement and instead boldly told him, "Yes. Let's."

That threw the seith off, of course, as he'd been prepped for her to call him a name and flee. Having any other sort of answer to that question stumped him, for a moment. And even then, once he realized what had been said, he was still stumped as he had no idea where to go from there.

Never, in the history of him saying such outlandish things to women, had he ever been taken up on his offers.

It could actually be argued that it was his desire for no one to. That he said such rude and terrible thing to people in order for them to be disgusted and revolted. He didn't want women to actually respond positively to what he said. Where would be the fun in that?

Well, apparently, he was going to have to find one because Lisanna fucking Strauss had just called his bluff and, on that shit day that he was having at the moment, Bickslow was gonna make her pay for it.

"You really wanna get out of here with me?" he asked as his babies stopped cheering and instead just hauntingly hanging about. "You sure?"

In her deluded sense and need to be recognized as something other than normal ol' clean Lisanna?

"I'm sure."

Bickslow, at first, considered taking her somewhere to get a drink or the bazaar, and freaking her out somehow in one of those places. But no, as they walked along and he naturally headed towards a certain section of town, he knew exactly where he was going to take her. The one place that she'd be freaked out to go without him even doing much work at all.

They both stood there for a few moments, outside of the rundown apartment building, neither too sure what was to come next.

Eventually, Lisanna only glanced to her side and asked, "So are we going up or what?"

Or what was, without a doubt, not an option.

Bickslow was so fucking mad at himself. Why wasn't it working? What was he doing wrong? Why wasn't she fleeing in fear from the terrible werido that Bickslow was?

Was the woman daft?

No, seriously, was she? He'd feel a bit bad for picking on her if she was.

As they keyed into his dirty filthy apartment, he decided that if she wasn't, she was surely suicidal. Something. Was that it? She wanted him to hurt her? Or did she just believe that there was no way that he ever would?

Did the idiot honestly think that he was interested in showing her a good time?

Or oh, grosser, a 'good' time?

The questions were all too much for the seith, it seemed, as he immediately went over to his coffee table and, falling to his knees on the floor before it, began his typical just home from a stressful day of being stupid Freed and Evergreen's jokes routine, and immediately began to roll a smoke.

As Lisanna, perfect stupid little Lisanna, stood above him, now completely out of her element and, if the facial expression she was making told him anything, he only gave her a dark look back and asked a simple question.

"You smoke?"

The answer was no of course and he only took to muttering to himself at it before getting up, the rolled paper stuck in his mouth, and began to look for his movie lacrima.

Whatever the fuck she was doing there, he didn't care anymore. He needed something to calm himself the fuck down and stat.

It was so surreal, honestly, as Bickslow set up his movie lacrima and, still ignoring her, went to turn off the light he'd flicked on as they came in and pulled the blinds tight. Then he fell onto the floor once more and, turning the thing on, they were welcomed to the sound of fanciful, old time music as the imagines showed a classical comedy from the silent era playing. Lisanna wanted to ask if he honestly found enjoyments out of these sorts of things. Or were the old ones all he could afford?

Taking a glance around the place, she figured the answer could go either way.

"Ain't you ever gonna sit down?" Bickslow, it seemed, was growing more annoyed by the moment. "Or are you just gonna stand there being rude?"

She didn't want to sit on the floor.

She didn't want to be there.

But she'd made it that far and…

And Lisanna was more than just good, clean, and normal.

She wasn't so certain she was sitting on a floor in the middle of the day, smoking and watching old movies, but that didn't make her boring.

Or normal.

Gosh, she hated the word normal.

When applied to her situation, at least.

It honestly felt out of place in Fairy Tail in general though.

When she sat beside him, Bickslow didn't seem to lose any more tension at all. But he didn't snap at her again and, for what felt like forever, they just sat there silently, watching the old movie playing.

Lisanna found little humor in it.

Bickslow knew the actions step by step.

But still, they watched.

It was only once that film ended that the movie lacrima shut down and they were in true darkness then. As they sat there and Lisanna wondered what was next, if she should just get up and leave, Bickslow spoke.

"Lisanna, what the fuck are you doing here?"

It was a loaded question, to say the least. And as she struggled to figure out how to tell him, Bickslow went on past it.

"Don't you get it?" he asked with a frown down at her. "I'm a freak, Lisanna. A creep. I asked you something shocking and disgusting and you stupidly went along with it. I can control what other people do. I posses their souls. I could strip down naked right now and you couldn't even fight me back. Is that not concerning to you? In the slightest? Why would you go somewhere with me? A fuck up? A complete fuck up? And talking to inanimate objects because my real friends think that I drink too much and smoke too much and you're not a kid anymore, Bickslow, so stop acting so immature. Pay your rent on time. Do you even go on jobs on your own anymore? Don't you care anymore, Bickslow? Do you care about anything? Huh? Do you? Lisanna? Do you care about anything? Or do you just think about yourself? Why, you're no better than when Elfman punched you, huh? Still doing risky, stupid shit for stupid reason. You haven't grown at all. No one ever grows at all. We just stay exactly the same as we've always been. We're such fuck ups. We're all such fuck ups."

The silence felt heavy then and Bickslow's dolls had long since settled down, falling to random places around the tiny living room. It eerie and Lisanna felt wrong, that day, being there.

She'd clearly just seen something she shouldn't have.

Something struck her though, deep inside, as he finished what he'd said. Not just the stupid comment he made as a throw away, wild punch about her past, hoping to no doubt get some venom out of her. It didn't. It all just made her really sad to hear.

"I came," she began softly as she raised her eyes to look into the shadow where his hid behind a mask, "because I know that you won't do anything to me, Bickslow. You're not going to control me or try to possess my soul. You'd never do that."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you're not a fuck up." She smiled a bit, at that, before shrugging a bit. "And no one thinks you are. Except you. And the second you stop doing that, the second Evergreen will leave you alone about it."

As she got to her feet, Lisanna decided then that it wasn't her own desire to prove herself to him that had caused her to go so out of her way to do so, but rather the original reason that she stuck around the Thunder Legion and their dumb strife in the first place.

Lisanna was a Strauss.

Perhaps the least mentioned.

Perhaps the least loved.

But she was still a Strauss.

And when they saw a friend in need, they helped. All guild members were friends and the problems they faced were never something to take lightly,.

Even when they were creepy freaks that seemed to get off on turning others off.

She still didn't want to be clean or good or normal, but just in providing the amount of support to the man she hardly knew, honestly, proved she at least wasn't one of those.

And the others weren't so bad.

If Bickslow was deeming you then, there was a good chance you weren't really either; probably just seeming so to him.

He was a freaky creep, after all.

But he was still a freaky creep with feelings. And what Lisanna had just said to him made feel a little better.

It was why, once she was at the door, he called out to her.

"Hey, Lisanna?"

She paused some, glancing over her shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Just...I should be more careful. With where I'm going. Running into other people's not too cool."

"No," she agreed with a soft smile. "It's kind not."

When she arrived back at the guildhall and told Mirajane all about what had taken place, she was peppered with all sorts of questions as well as fed a few cautionary tales, but mostly, her sister was just pleased in that moment that she'd helped the seith out.

"And you're sure?" Mirajane asked with a bright smile. "That you really got to him?"

"I think so."

"That's so great," Mira complimented. "It's not everyday you get a chance to brighten someone's day up like that."

It's not everyday that you ran into someone like Bickslow, so yes, Lisanna definitely agreed with that sentiment.

She didn't see Bickslow again for another week. When she did though, up at the hall, filling in shifts for her sister, the man keyed in on her immediately and left behind his friends just to come over and grin at her.

"When someone's right," he said loudly as she only blinked at him in confusion from behind the bar, "they're right!"

"Uh….what?"

"I told Evergreen flat out that I was a fuck up."

"That's not-"

"Now she doesn't even say it to me! Just shakes her head and sighs. You ever realize that you're the true visionary of the Strauss siblings, Lisanna?"

That was enough to get her goat, it seemed, as Lisanna forgot all about informing him that he'd done the exact opposite of what she'd told him and instead focused on his compliment.

"Well," she said slowly, as if thinking deeply on the subject, "not really, but I could definitely see how you might think that-"

"You know, I was thinking."

"-considering I did help you and Mira wouldn't have done that well, I don't think, and definitely not Elf, so I guess I am-"

"Me and you should get a drink or something sometime. Share our souls. We have a connection."

"-the true visionary of the Str- What did you say?"

"Me and you, kid," he said, gesturing from him to her. "I felt something."

"Uh-"

"We had a connection, yeah? No one else has ever done that for me before. Called my bluff. Sat around and watch movies with me. Had a smoke."

"Been a real friend to you, you mean?"

"You say friend, I say undoubtedly a stalker."

"I didn't stalk you there."

"Felt that way."

"Well, okay, then why are you asking me to hang out again?"

"As an expert stalker myself-"

"What?"

"-game respects game." He even nodded his head. Then, reaching up to push his visor up some, he looked her dead in the eyes for the first time in her life and asked her, "So what do you say, kid? You wanna go on a date with me?"

The resounding five voices that sang out, "What do you say? What do you say? Go out on a date?" were as haunting as they were unconvincing.

Lisanna had never been asked out before.

And she hoped to never be asked out again if that's how people went about it.

She was in such shock and stuck, almost, with an inability to comprehend what the man had just said to her, causing her to respond in the only way she knew how to a request.

"Yes."

"Alright." Letting his visor fall, the sieth snickered a bit before saying, "I'll be back by later tonight, huh? "

Then he and his eerie dolls were gone and Lisanna wasn't too sure what had just happened, but it felt far less than normal or clean or good or anything of the sort.

"You're sure?" Mirajane asked when her sister informed her of this later that day. "Lisanna? Bickslow? He asked you out?"

"Yep," the younger sister said with a nod of her head as Lucy, who'd been sitting around upon hearing this from Lisanna, just waiting for the seith to show back up because she too was in such shook, snickered a bit at the face her best friend made in return.

Mirajane, clearly, was full of disbelief.

"I heard him," Cana assured Mirajane from further down the bar where, glancing up from her mug, she shook her head a bit down at them. "The little freak got all giddy about something she'd done for him and came to ask her out."

"And to think I missed it," Happy complained from where he was in Lucy's lap, still pouting over this fact. "I'll never forgive myself. Once in a lifetime and I miss it."

They were all there though, now the ones being far more creepy, when Bickslow showed back up for her. Lisanna met him at the guildhall door, grabbing his arm and running him right back out of it, as to avoid anything her sister or friends might have to say to the man. She still wasn't so sure that it was what she wanted, a date with him, but she knew that she definitely didn't want a big scene made about it.

"So?" she asked once they were outside the property gates and had set off. "Where are we going?"

"Where else would we go, Lisanna?" he questioned right back and, unfortunately, she found that he meant they'd go the only place they'd ever been alone together.

His apartment.

They watched a different movie that time, though it was still a silent era comedy, and he didn't offer her a smoke, though he did light himself right up, but something felt different that time. For some reason, Lisanna felt less at ease while Bickslow seemed more at it. He laughed loudly at the scenes he knew by heart and even had popped some popcorn, just for the occasion.

After the movie ended though and he moved to put another in, Lisanna had to used the break to her advantage.

"Is this a date?" she asked him with a frown. "It...feels like we're just hanging out."

He paused at that, glancing over at her from where he was rifling through a box filled with movie lacrima films. "Did you want to do something else?"

"W-Well-"

"Great!" He produced a a film then and held it high. "This one next."

It was bizarre. The whole thing was bizarre. Lisanna was beginning to wonder if she was just dreaming the whole thing. She wasn't sure. Of anything.

Maybe she should have told Mirajane that and let her older sister sort the whole thing out…

After awkwardly sitting there through the second movie, Lisanna was rewarded with not having to sit through a third. Instead, as they sat there in the darkness for a few moments, Bickslow seemed to think a bit before speaking.

"So, uh, we done here? Or did you wanna-"

"I think this was a good first...whatever this way." And she was quick to get to her feet, as to not miss her chance. "Bickslow. I'll, uh, I'll see you around."

But he was already busy rolling another smoke and it was actually his babies that called out goodbyes to her and, well, that was definitely an experience.

The others were all waiting back at the guild for an update.

"So?" Mirajane asked first as, upon sitting up at the bar, Lisanna was surrounded by the interested parties. "How did it go?"

"I...I think it went okay."

"You think?" her sister huffed a bit. "Are you not sure?"

Nope.

Definitely not.

"He didn't try to get fresh with you, did he?" Happy asked from where he was now standing on the bar, munching on some fish. He paused that though. Just for her. "Lisanna?"

"What," Lucy asked with a bit of a smile at the feline, "would that entail?"

"Well, I don't know. Whatever getting fresh means, I guess, Lucy."

"What would you do if he had?"

"Are you on Bickslow's side or something? Why are you questioning me? When you should be questioning him?"

"We just sat around and watched movies on his lacrima," Lisanna told them all then as, frowning even more heavily, Mirajane found a new line of questioning.

"His movie lacrima?" she asked. "You went to his apartment?"

"Uh-huh."

"On the first date?"

"Uh-huh."

"And then just sat around and watched a movie? You didn't do anything else? At all?"

"Well, we watched two movie, but-"

"And you're sure that he asked you to go out on a date? And not to just, I don't know, be friends or something?" her sister asked with a raised eyebrow. "Lisanna?"

"I mean, that's what he said."

To that, her sister merely sighed and got back to work, a bit disappointing in the entire thing. She'd worked up a whole date in her mind that the type of guy Bickslow would take her poor, innocent sister on and that was not at all close to how she imagined it to go.

Mira felt cheated.

Lisanna, however, was ready to put the whole thing behind her. Their date had only lasted a few hours and, with Lucy and Happy already around, she knew Natsu would be too and that meant they could all go out and do something together. Something to replace whatever….that was that had happened back at Bickslow's apartment.

Her inward conflict arose once more, however, about a month later he arrived back from of a job and upon coming into the hall, she was the first person that he talked to.

She wasn't working that day, but was sitting around with Levy instead, getting some help with a complex magical spell in a book when he came to just stand over them, silently. His eyes were on Lisanna though and, after glancing between the two, Levy excused herself to the safety of where Gajeel was very busy complaining to Mirajane about the lack of scrap metal there was to find around the guildhall in those days while she informed him none of that had been scrap at all and he was accumulating a rather large bill for damages and Master wanted her to put a stop to it.

Over with Bickslow and Lisanna though, there was a lot less words and much more silence.

"Lisanna," one of his dolls sang as they all floated about idly. "Date Papa?"

Bickslow though stayed silent for a good few more seconds before saying, "Did you wanna come over then, Lisanna? Tonight?"

"Uh-"

"Great." He even gave her a thumbs up in the affirmative. It was almost comical. But most things about the seith were almost comical. Just fell short of the mark. "I have to do some things with Freed and Evergreen for about an hour, but I'll come back for you. Or we could just meet at my place. If you wanted."

"I..."

Lisanna thought she should tell him no. That whatever they were doing wasn't fun for her or interesting and she wasn't even quite sure it was dating, either. And if it was then, hey, it had been nice, but she really wasn't missing out on much and would like to just go back to her life of not having to deal with that sorta stuff.

But…

It wasn't like Lisanna felt an obligation to him. And she certainly knew how to use her words. The man wasn't pressuring her. She could just flat out tell him no. It was possible.

And yet….

"Okay." She even nodded at him. "An hour?"

And his grin didn't seem a devious as it typically did. "An hour."

Happy, however, did not find he liked this idea much.

"He's probably scoping you out," he complained as Lisanna went to relay all of this to Lucy and, by proxy, the nearby Natsu and Happy. "To murder you."

"Happy, what?" Lucy asked with a frown over at him while Natsu only got excited over the whole thing and laughed a bit.

"Want me to fight him, Lisanna?" the slayer asked, holding up a flaming fist that narrowly missed hitting a passing Mirajane. "I'll take him right out!"

"Are you guys talking about Bickslow?" the barmaid asked as she came to a stop. She was a bit frazzled after her disagreement with Gajeel (he claimed all metal was scrap metal if you think about it and really thrown her for a loop; she'd have to get back to Master on that one…). "Did he- Oh, Lisanna, you didn't-"

"I don't wanna be lectured about it."

"He's probably going to kill her," Happy said with a shake of her head. "Or at least try. You can take him though, Lisanna. Lucy did once and, well, he can't be that tough then, can he?"

"Excuse me, cat?"

"Lucy, I'm saving her life."

"If you're so worried," Mira told the Exceed with a bit of a frown, "you might as well go. You might as well all go. It's not a real date anyways."

"Mira-"

"It's not, Lisanna."

After being explained to that, no, he could not fight Bickslow, Natsu got less thrilled about going and Lucy never had any intent of it, but Happy was all gung-ho about going. He had to protect Lisanna, after all. By which he meant, when the going got tough, he was going to fly her straight out of there.

Bickslow didn't seem displeased with his intrusion either.

"Ah, you brought your cat to play with my babies," he said with a nod as he let them in. "Smart thinking, Lisanna."

At that point, Lisanna was questioning if she was smart at all. And if so, why was it that she couldn't figure out exactly what was going on?

Happy too was questioning just about everything.

Until Bickslow gave him his own bowl of popcorn and wow! Lisanna could definitely date him. What a thoughtful guy.

And, when that two movie quota was met, Bickslow gave them a slight wave while his babies cried out their goodbyes.

"That was great, Lisanna," Happy told her as she walked him back home to he and Natsu's little rundown house. "You should definitely date Bickslow as much as possible! He has my blessing."

For some reason, that did little to do away with any of her misgivings.

"Thanks," she sighed regardless, "Happy."

It was the third time that he approached her, this time only a few days later, that Lisanna found some of her own footing.

"I don't want to watch what you want to watch," she told him which made him frown a bit. "I should be able to bring my own movie and we should watch that."

She couldn't see his eyes from their shaded position behind his mask, but she was sure that they turned to a glare for a few moments before, with a shrug, the seith agreed.

"Lisanna, why are you doing this?" Mirajane asked her that time quite pointedly. "Are you even enjoying yourself? Are you sure? Because-"

"You date who you date and I'll date who I date."

It was in that specific date though that they found a new standard as, though Bickslow wasn't a fan of the noir Lisanna brought, he did suffer in relative silence, much as she did with his films. Then, when they were both finished with, they went there separate ways again and Lisanna was beginning to wonder if the was ever going to try and kiss her or something because that felt like a big part of dating, but she was too fearful to ask Mirajane what it meant that he wasn't doing such a thing because then she'd only get teased once more by her sister and oh, she was catching it, wasn't she? Osmosis from just being around one another? Now she rambled just like the seith.

It was that next time though, a week or so later, when Bickslow got them takeout instead of just popcorn and, over it, they sort of had a conversation. He made her laugh, at least, once. But other than that, it was pretty standard for them.

One day the hall though, it wasn't the seith that approached her from the Thunder Legion. Rather, it was the other two.

Freed stood over where she sat alone, going over the guild finances that Mirajane asked her to check, while Evergreen pressed two palms down on the table she was at and leaned down to stare the other woman in the eyes from the other side of her glasses.

The tension was felt immediately.

"Look, girlie," the other woman said in that dripping, terrifying tone that she had, "I don't know what you think that you're doing with Bickslow, but you better knock it off."

"W-What?"

"Lisanna," Freed said from where he stood with his crossed arms. His tone was much softer and his approach wasn't nearly as intimidating. "If this some sort of...game, we do not appreciate it. Bickslow truly believes that the pair of you are…friendly with one another."

"We are."

"Lisanna-"

"Freed, I'm not lying."

"You better not be." That came from Evergreen who, after one last glare, shoved up to stand straight once more. "Because if you hurt him, you'll be real sorry."

Lisanna had no idea what to do after this occurred. No one else seemed to see it and going to Mirajane about it would just mean that Elfman would find out and he and Evergreen had something weird going on, but something going on all the same, and she didn't want to make him upset that the woman had just threatened her, and Natsu was out because he'd just pick a fight with them over it and, oh, wow, Bickslow wanted another date that night.

Great.

It was during a down period where he was picking his movie from the box of them that, in the darkness, Lisanna spoke.

"Your friends came and spoke to me today."

"Friends?"

"Evergreen and Freed."

That got the seith to pause some before he went back to his digging. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"What'd they say?"

"They think I'm...being mean to you or something, by going out with you. That it's just all some big ruse."

"Is it?"

"I don't… You're the one who always asks me out, Bickslow."

"Yeah," he agreed as, glancing over at her, he said, "But you always say yes."

"That's true."

"If you didn't want to do this, you could just say no."

"I know."

"I'm not...mind controlling you, if that's what you think."

"I don't think anything." And that was true. "About this. I'm just telling you that they think that I am."

"They're dicks."

"They care about you."

He didn't answer to that one, but, pulling a specific film out, he flipped the cartridge in his hands a few times, thinking. Softly, he said, "Why do you keep saying yes, Lisanna?"

"What?"

"The first time, you called my bluff. What are you doing now?"

His babies didn't even repeat him that time. Just remained silent as she was presented with the conundrum at hand.

And Lisanna had waited so long for some to flat out ask her that, to not just try and dismiss her like Mirajane had been, that she more or less gushed out everything that she'd been holding about the whole situation.

"I don't know," she admitted softly into the darkness. "I guess...the first time that you asked, I was just doing that. Calling your bluff. And I didn't… They were being so rude to you, Ever and Freed were. And I didn't want you to think that you were actually that. A fuck up. That's not… And then when you came to me in the hall, I kind of… I don't know what I'm doing, Bickslow. I don't understand why you keep asking me out. I don't understand why we're doing this. I've never...dated a guy before. I don't even think that's what we're doing. I-"

"Why not?"

"Huh?"

"Why," he repeated, "is what we're doing not dating?"

"I dunno. We're not going out and enjoying ourselves or getting to know one another or-"

"I'm getting to know you."

"How? If we're just sitting in the darkness for a few hours every week?"

"I know that you don't smoke. I know you don't really like these movies that I make you watch, but you do it anyways. I know that you like your popcorn with lots of salt and I know that you like detective flicks. I know that your cat thinks of you as his mother or something and was scoping me out. And I know I passed. I know what you want from the place we get takeout. I know that you're nice enough to oblige me these past few weeks. I know that...that you have to like me a bit, don't you? Kid? Why else are you here?"

It caught her then, by surprise. The fear that she had inside that she knew exactly why she was there. The same reason she was there in the beginning. Because she felt the need to fix whatever it was that was going on in Bickslow's life and it was so fucking wrong, wasn't it? She'd led on, hadn't she? What terrible thing to do. And why? For own need to nose her way into things?

But as she considered that, she knew that couldn't be true because, though it did have some grounding in the fact that she'd convinced herself she'd gone over to fix him. To let him know that he wasn't so fuck up that Ever and Freed could knock around. Then he came back to the hall and was still calling himself that and there was a chance that she'd only been doing this for so long to see the original mission through.

But…

It was complex. Life was complex, but even when you took the small parts of it and examined them, sometimes they never rightly felt whole on their either. The pieces make the puzzle, but the puzzle fit another puzzle because it was also a piece and you only ever figured out what what you were truly doing when you examined the thing as a whole. Not a part.

And, at first, she'd been able to justify her reasoning for following him that day as a way of proving her worth as something more that good, clean, normal Lisanna, but when that fell through she found another reason to claim that she was there. That it was just to fix him. And, when once more, that didn't work because she continued to find herself around him, she decided that while she didn't know why she was there, certainly there was a reason. And here he was, offering her up a chance to claim that it was still only an attempt to make him realize that he had worth and he had value, but that pretending to have feelings someone offered none of that.

She wasn't there for that.

Was she?

Something in her chest, something her heart, told her that it was deeper than that. That she couldn't just scratch the surface with this one and find her answers. Most of her life had just been face value. But this…

She could equate it to uncertainty or a desire to help others, but overall…

"They're probably fucking right, aren't they?" Bickslow speaking again because she'd taken too long to answer, it seemed and, tossing the movie back in the bin, he hung his head some. "Freed and Ever? You're not here because you like, are you? Or doing this? Fuck. Fuck. They didn't put you up to it, did they? To have someone here with me? Huh? Is that what this is? They think I'm losing, but I'm not losing it. Me and my babies, the reason that we like to spend so much time alone together is just because they get me. Freed and Evergreen just don't anymore. They don't want to come around anymore. Sometimes I want to sit in the dark and just to talk or be around someone that gets me. What's wrong with that? Huh?"

That time, he'd asked a question she could answer and, from her mouth came the best one there was.

"There's nothing wrong with that. Bickslow."

"Shut up. Just shut up and go. Just-"

"I stay here, I come over here, because I… I can't explain it," she admitted. "I don't get this butterfly feeling in my stomach from being around you."

"Lisanna, just leave."

"I don't think about you all day, I don't think about what it would be like to hold your hand or to go places with you, but when we are together, when we're here, in your apartment, I just...I feel better about a lot of things. Or at least I don't think about them. I don't think about the guildhall or what I'm doing there or if I'm talented enough to be there. I don't worry about how many jobs I take or get scared of what it means if I'm not."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to say that...I like being here," she told him then slowly as, even though his visor covered his eyes and the room was so dark, she felt as if she was staring right into them. "I like being with you. And there's nothing wrong with just wanting to sit in the darkness with another person and say everything or say nothing. And there's definitely wrong with doing it with your babies. They're people too."

His head fell once more and he staring into the box, but softly, eventually, he said, "Thank you. Lisanna."

"I worry sometimes too, you know?" she asked him as, slowly, she pushed up a bit and scooted over to where he was. "That I'm...different. Now. That something's wrong with me. Since I got back Edolas, I… I think about how different things would have been if I'd never gone away and I know that it's much better I didn't. Elf and sis changed so much for the better and Natsu and Happy and… But was it good that I came back too? I came back a different person as much as they've changed into different people, but how do you mesh things that previously fit so well back together when they've been morphed by separate events? I wonder sometimes if I even belong at Fairy Tail any longer, or if I'm just here habit. And if I am…if am...then what does that mean? Why can no one ever tell me what it means?"

Bickslow had raised his head once more and he was taller than her, as they were both on their knees, but softly he spoke right to her as he said, "You belong, Lisanna, where you wanna belong. That's why no one else can tell you an answer. Because it's your decision and your life."

As she let a breath and nodded, she whispered, "Thank you. Bickslow."

Lisanna never...kissed a guy before, not like, but when she reached up to push his visor away, it all felt so natural and real and had ever been in love before? Could she be then? Or was her inexperience just playing a trick on her?

They found there way, eventually, to their feet and he was leading her to one of the doors and she'd never seen the rest of his apartment before, but over the slight buzz that she was getting then, she did hear him ask softly, "Are you sure?"

For once, she knew the exact answer.

But when they were in his bed and she wasn't so sure, it fine because that wasn't where they were going or what they were doing it seemed as he only turned his head eventually rested it over hers and told her softly, "You belong."

Catching her breath and still a bit thrown by all that had gone on, she only breathed back, "So do you."

When she got home that night, Mirajane worried about her and had sat up waiting, but Lisanna only followed her older sister back to her bedroom where, as they fell into the bed, she didn't tell her everything, but she told her a lot. And most it didn't have to do with her night that she'd spent with the seith, but rather all the thoughts that she'd kept in for so long since returning.

And if it was all worth anything, it was certainly worth that.

Things changed little with Bickslow and Lisanna though as they fell into a just as easy rhythm as they had going before. They didn't always make out and she didn't stay over, but they did always watch two movies together when he invited her over and, once, she even invited him over to her house to do so with her siblings. Even though Elfman was a freak about it and Mirajane wasn't much better, it did give Lisanna a wonderful feeling in the pit of her stomach as she came to the same realization as she did that night as Bickslow's snoring woke up her and the rain was just soft enough to lull her back to sleep.

She wasn't sure of everything in her life, no one was, but being around him, hanging out with Bickslow, there was nothing of which she felt more certain.

This...grew, obviously, from what my original intentions were. I wanted to write some Bixanna all by itself and wasn't sure what I wanted from it and, somehow, I ended up with this. I'm not displeased. The normal course their relationship in my stories is typically built on Lisanna's insecurities and fears over life being leveled by Bickslow's cavalier approach to it. She finds safety in the fact that, though he's older than her, he still hasn't figured all his shit out yet either, but he's happy and finding his own path, so she's able to as well, only to find as time goes on that he has just as much baggage as her; he just hides it better. This, however, focuses the openness of Bickslow to his inadequacies and certain fears that he has that his friend are unable to guide him through. I don't think I've ever done one where he's so docile and reserved towards Lisanna, but I think that was the point of this. He need something and she has it (reassurance), while he has something and she needs it (understanding), and they both kind of meet in the middle.

I'm actually more proud of this than most my work with the two of them.

Anyways, I'm working on the next part of About Life and I'm trying to get back into Accidents and Incidents and Closure, there's just a lot there to reread and think about where I'm headed with the two, so just sit tight. Updates will come eventually.

#Bixanna #Bickslow #Lisanna #Lisanna Strauss #Fairy Tail #Fanfiction

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almightygodismydependence-blog · 5 years

Text

How to Get Over a Breakup

By Shuyi

Early one morning at the start of summer, a faint fragrance permeated the air and sunlight poured into every corner. Qinyi, wearing a flower-patterned chiffon dress, sat feeling happy at the subway station, waiting for the next train to come. Turning her head, Qinyi happened to see on a video screen a girl breaking up with a boy because he had been two-timing her, then the girl turning away and leaving with tears running down her cheeks. Qinyi stared fixedly at the screen. Just then, she suddenly thought of how she had been before, when she had harbored a longing for a beautiful love where she and her boyfriend would walk through life together, but in the end, she had received only scars and wounds …

Ever since she was small, Qinyi loved to listen to the song, The Butterfly Lovers, and she loved even more to watch the TV opera, also called The Butterfly Lovers, within which the “Only when the mountains fall and heaven and earth are one will I be parted from you” love story of the protagonists always left her feeling profoundly moved. She hoped to also have a love which would last until the heavens and the earth grew old, and which would last for all her life.

In the year she turned 17, Qinyi met Yuhuan. He was gentle and considerate, and he always cared for Qinyi. Each time Qinyi felt unhappy because of the pressures of her life, Yuhuan always found a way to make her happy again. Qinyi loved to grumble about things, and listening was what Yuhuan did best…. Unknowingly, Qinyi found herself attracted to Yuhuan’s sense of humor and his understanding nature, and she asked herself more than once: “Is he the one for me?” Qinyi’s heart was swayed and, over time, they kept in touch more and more often. But the thing that confused Qinyi was that Yuhuan would sometimes not answer her calls, and would sometimes just turn his phone off. One day, Qinyi found out from a friend that Yuhuan was already married and that he had a son around one year old. This knowledge was completely beyond Qinyi’s ability to cope, and she almost collapsed when she heard it! She had thought of this love as one that would see her and Yuhuan together for the rest of their lives, and yet Yuhuan had totally deceived her. She just could not understand how Yuhuan could treat her this way and she felt extremely pained. In the dead of night, she would often hold her pillow and cry quietly. Qinyi had no desire to become the other woman who would destroy someone’s family, and so, after some inner struggle and, heedless of Yuhuan’s pitiful entreaties, she endured the pain and cut off all communication with him.

Several years later, Qinyi met Yuhuan again. Yuhuan suggested that they get together again and start anew, and Qinyi was slightly swayed. She thought: “It’s been years and Yuhuan’s feelings for me haven’t changed at all. If he really doesn’t love his wife, then I shall accept him.” Qinyi wanted Yuhuan to make a choice, and she told him in earnest that she would not carry on an affair with a married man. Unexpectedly, Yuhuan spoke with a look of scorn on his face, and said, “In this modern age, what man worth his salt doesn’t have two or three women on the go? ‘The red flag at home does not fall, the colored flags outside flutter in the breeze.’ Isn’t it just normal? You’re too conservative!” Yuhuan’s words stunned Qinyi. She never thought Yuhuan would say such a thing, and she felt as though she didn’t know him at all. She felt totally baffled: What had made Yuhuan so selfish and promiscuous?

She felt a little hurt. She never expected her first love to end up like this. But she still hoped, in the not-too-distant future, to find a love that would last her all her life.

Later, Qinyi went to South Korea, and a South Korean man by the name of Haoyu entered her life. Haoyu was very warm, he shared the same interests as Qinyi and he cared for her a great deal. Haoyu and Qinyi would often talk about everything under the sun, listen to music and sing songs together. Almost every day, Haoyu would send Qinyi messages asking how she was, and he took her to meet his parents. Haoyu’s appearance in Qinyi’s life in a foreign land brought comfort to her heart after having been hurt by her previous breakup. One time, Haoyu sang with deep affection to Qinyi, singing: “I’ll go with you to the ends of the earth. … We’ll grow old together, free from care or worry. …” Qinyi’s heart warmed to him, as what Haoyu was singing about was the love and the life that she wanted, and she hoped that Haoyu would be the one she could grow old with. Who could have known that the moment her heart began to move toward him would be the beginning of the end …

One time, Qinyi went with Haoyu and his friends out to eat and, during the meal, Haoyu answered a call. While he was on the phone, Qinyi heard him speak in a secretive tone, and her intuition told her that Haoyu was having a shady relationship with another girl. When she asked Haoyu, however, he vowed solemnly, guaranteeing that his feelings for Qinyi were true. Hearing him profess his innocence so, Qinyi chose to believe him. She later changed her place of work and Haoyu also started going to another city to work and, after some time had gone by, Haoyu kept in touch with Qinyi less and less.

One day, out of the blue, Haoyu said to Qinyi, “I hope we can be good friends.” These words came as a shock to Qinyi, and she felt as though a wound that had only just healed had been violently torn open once again, and she felt such pain that she couldn’t breathe. She felt so hurt that she could only murmur to herself, “Is our love to die so soon? Why am I always the one who gets hurt?” Qinyi afterward became very depressed, and she felt like she’d lost her soul.

Just as she was feeling pained and lost, she heard God’s gospel of the last days. Being watered and supplied by God’s words, and being cared for and helped by the brothers and sisters made her broken, frozen heart so very warm. From then on, Qinyi would often get together with brothers and sisters to read God’s words and fellowship about the truth, and they would sing songs in praise of God. She felt like she was living a life of enrichment and happiness every day.

One day, Qinyi suddenly received a message from Haoyu, saying that he still wanted to continue their relationship. After a moment of joy, Qinyi hesitated. She didn’t know whether Haoyu was capable of spending his life with her, and so she prayed to God and asked Him to guide her and lead her. Before long, Qinyi bumped into one of Haoyu’s friends and, during their conversation, she found out that Haoyu had many girlfriends and that he would often keep his options open in terms of relationships. What shocked Qinyi even more was that, while he had been with her, he had been keeping up a shady relationship with another girl. After hearing this, Qinyi was very angry. What she hated most were men who took no responsibility for their love. Haoyu had been playing the field and yet she still felt hurt and pained by that kind of man—how stupid she was! She thought back over her two failed loves, and the histrionic endings had left her feeling unusually hurt and pained. She couldn’t help but sigh, and think: “Where can true love be found in this world? Is it so hard to find a man to give me his undivided attention? Why can’t I find a love that is always faithful? Why do I only end up betrayed and hurt?”

Qinyi confided in a sister from the church about her pain, and the sister gave her fellowship, saying: “The reason we live in pain is because we do not have the truth, because we do not understand the truth of mankind’s corruption by Satan and the cunning schemes Satan employs to deceive us. It is because we live by the wrong thinking of Satan, and because we pursue the perfect love of our imagination. We all know that, previously, when mankind was only corrupted slightly by Satan, people’s thinking was relatively conservative, as they were bound by morals and ethics and devoted particular care to real feelings and true love. Though a man and a woman may not have been devoted to each other for all their lives, they still did not overstep the boundaries too much. Now, however, mankind is being corrupted by Satan more and more deeply, and under the influence of all manner of love idols, romantic books and movies, people’s ideas about morality have been attacked and destroyed. People now advocate wickedness and they are greedy for physical lusts and enjoy the pleasures of sin. Most people regard the sordid, negative things of wickedness and promiscuity as trends, husbands and wives betraying each other is a common occurrence, and it has become even harder to find genuine love. Let’s read what God’s words have to say about this!” Qinyi turned to the chapter, “God Himself, the Unique VI,” in her book of God’s word and began to read: “How Satan takes advantage of social trends to corrupt man. … One after another, all these trends carry an evil influence that continually degenerates man, causing them to continually lose conscience, humanity and reason, and that lowers their morals and their quality of character more and more, to the extent that we can even say the majority of people now have no integrity, no humanity, neither do they have any conscience, much less any reason. … For man who is not of sound body and mind, who never knows what is truth, who cannot tell the difference between positive and negative things, these kinds of trends one after another make them all willingly accept these trends, the life view and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them on how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them. They have not the strength, neither do they have the ability, much less the awareness to resist.” “Satan uses these social trends to lure people one step at a time into a nest of devils, so that people caught up in social trends unknowingly advocate money and material desires, as well as advocate wickedness and violence. Once these things have entered man’s heart, what then does man become? Man becomes the devil Satan! This is because of what psychological leaning in the heart of man? What does man advocate? Man begins to like wickedness and violence. They do not like beauty or goodness, much less peace. People are not willing to live the simple life of normal humanity, but instead wish to enjoy high status and great wealth, to revel in the pleasures of the flesh, sparing no effort to satisfy their own flesh, with no restrictions, no bonds to hold them back, in other words doing whatever they desire.”

The sister continued her fellowship, saying, “From God’s words, we can see that the reason why mankind is so wicked and degenerate, so sordid and corrupt, is primarily because the various social trends that Satan gives rise to seduce people and corrupt them. Through all the people, events and things around us, Satan indoctrinates us with evil fallacies, such as ‘The red flag at home does not fall, the colored flags outside flutter in the breeze,’ ‘Seize the day for pleasure, for life is short,’ and ‘Don’t ask for eternity, be happy with now.’ And after we have been corrupted by Satan, our nature also becomes incredibly wicked, and it is then very easy for us to accept Satan’s wicked ideologies, we begin to play around with our physical lusts and advocate wickedness. We view having numerous affairs and one-night stands as great and glorious. Gradually, as we are poisoned and influenced by Satan’s evil ideologies, people become incredibly cold and heartless, selfish and despicable, wicked and degenerate, and they take no more thought to conscience or reason any longer. Take Yuhuan, for example. He didn’t care about ethics or morals, he was with you behind his wife’s back, and he hurt both you and his wife; Haoyu was fickle in his affections and carried on relationships with many girls at once, and he deceived other people. And yet he felt no shame, believing this kind of behavior meant that he was a powerful, charming man. Satan uses these evil trends not only to lure many people onto the path of greed and lust, to make them become more and more degenerate and become evil, promiscuous devils, but also to make many kind and loving husbands and wives to betray each other, so that their families ultimately break apart. As a result, social evils have become the way to follow, people’s relationships with each other are very chaotic, and the rates of divorce and re-marrying are on the rise. In such a wicked age as this, it’s very hard to find someone who will treat us sincerely, never mind a love that will forever be faithful. Sister, we have now understood from God’s words the truth of mankind’s corruption by Satan, and we now understand the ways in which Satan corrupts man and its despicable aims, and so we should regard interpersonal sentiment correctly. That way, we will not blindly live in pain and be deceived by Satan.”

God’s words and the sister’s fellowship made Qinyi, who had been living in confusion and resentment, to awaken all of a sudden: “So it is Satan using such evil trends as ‘The red flag at home does not fall, the colored flags outside flutter in the breeze,’ and ‘Seize the day for pleasure, for life is short,’ to seduce and corrupt people, and to make them fall into the sin of lust, and become more and more evil, selfish and despicable, and lose their dignity and integrity. It is precisely these evil trends that have influenced and affected Yuhuan and Haoyu. Caring only about satisfying their own wicked lusts, they hurt her, and they also are the victims of these evil trends.” Having understood this, Qinyi no longer took Yuhuan’s and Haoyu’s betrayal so much to heart.

Afterward, Qinyi read these words of God: “For example, if you were watching a television show, what sort of things in it could change your view? … What sort of things would corrupt people? It would be the core thoughts and content of the show, which would represent the director’s views, and the information carried in these views could sway people’s hearts and minds. Is that right?” (“God Himself, the Unique V”). As she contemplated God’s words, Qinyi thought back to when she used to watch soap operas and had unknowingly accepted their views on love, such as “Always faithful,” “Lovers always end up together,” and “Only when the mountains fall and heaven and earth are one will I be parted from you.” She had been filled with longing for love and had always dreamed that she would find an ever-faithful love. Only after experiencing two failed loves did Qinyi finally realize that the dynamic portrayals of love that soap operas instilled in people were all just fictions. They simply did not exist in real life, because people simply did not possess true love after they had been corrupted by Satan. Instead, it was all just using each other and betraying each other, and she herself had been so stupid and had had no discernment, and had been deceived by these views on love. She had regarded her pursuit for a perfect love as the objective for her whole life. So when her dreams of love did not materialize, she became incredibly depressed and had suffered unbearable pain. Now, due to the revelations of God’s words, Qinyi could finally see clearly that Satan used people’s pursuit for a perfect love to deceive and harm them, and to make them keep searching in pain. But in reality, it was just a beautiful illusion that could never come to be. When people meet with repeated setbacks and they cannot obtain the love they want, they live in the pain that they cannot escape—this is one of the means by which Satan corrupts man! Coming to this realization, Qinyi thanked God for saving her from the bottom of her heart, and she thanked God for leading her back before Him, and for learning from His words how to see through Satan’s cunning schemes to corrupt man and to rid herself of its harm.

Bang, bang, bang, the noise of the subway train pulled Qinyi back from her reverie. In her heart, she contemplated God’s love and salvation and, smiling, she stepped into the train carriage. When the train began to move, Qinyi held the handrail and opened up her cell phone, put in her earphones, and began to hum along softly to the music: “Only the Creator has pity on this mankind. Only the Creator shows this mankind tenderness and affection. Only the Creator holds a true, unbreakable affection for this mankind. Likewise, only the Creator can bestow mercy on this mankind and cherish all of His creation. His heart leaps and aches at every one of man’s actions: He is angered, distressed and grieved over man’s evil and corruption; He is pleased, joyful, forgiving and jubilant for man’s repentance and belief; every single one of His thoughts and ideas exist for and revolve around mankind; what He is and has is expressed entirely for mankind’s sake; the entirety of His emotions are intertwined with mankind’s existence. For mankind’s sake, He travels and rushes about; He silently gives forth every bit of His life; He dedicates every minute and second of His life” (“Only the Creator Takes Pity on This Mankind” in Follow the Lamb and Sing New Songs).

The words “has pity on,” “tenderness and affection” and “unbreakable affection,” deeply moved Qinyi’s heart. She thought about when she had been in the most pain, and God had brought her back into His family and used His words to soothe the wounds in her heart, and it had been God’s words that had made her see clearly that Satan corrupts, controls and deceives people by using evil trends and mistaken ideas about love. Only God’s words had enabled her to see through Satan’s cunning schemes, and she would no longer pursue a vague and illusory love, but instead would shun the harm Satan causes. Qinyi now understood that, only by coming before God and accepting His salvation, pursuing the truth and walking the path of fearing God and shunning evil, can one follow the right path in life. She came to deeply appreciate that, within this world, the love that is the most good, the most true and the most selfless, is God’s love for mankind. Only God silently loves man, gives them the breath of life, waters them and supplies them with the truth, and enables them to see through Satan’s cunning schemes and shun the harm of Satan. Qinyi had no way to ever repay such a love as this! She offered up her thanks and praise to God from the bottom of her heart, and she made a resolution: to pursue the truth, to follow God all her life and to follow the right path in life!

Recommended： Worship God in Spirit and in Truth | "The Heart's Voice of a Created Being" Christian Music Video

#Testimonies #Faith and Life

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focusontheeasternlightning-blog · 6 years

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Christian Love: How to Get Over a Breakup

Christian Love, How to Get Over a Breakup In the year she turned 17, Qinyi met Yuhuan. He was gentle and considerate, and he always cared for Qinyi. Each time Qinyi felt unhappy because of the pressures of her life, Yuhuan always found a way to make her happy again. Qinyi loved to grumble about things, and listening was what Yuhuan did best…. Unknowingly, Qinyi found herself attracted to Yuhuan’s sense of humor and his understanding nature, and she asked herself more than once: “Is he the one for me?” Qinyi’s heart was swayed and, over time, they kept in touch more and more often. But the thing that confused Qinyi was that Yuhuan would sometimes not answer her calls, and would sometimes just turn his phone off. One day, Qinyi found out from a friend that Yuhuan was already married and that he had a son around one year old. This knowledge was completely beyond Qinyi’s ability to cope, and she almost collapsed when she heard it! She had thought of this love as one that would see her and Yuhuan together for the rest of their lives, and yet Yuhuan had totally deceived her. She just could not understand how Yuhuan could treat her this way and she felt extremely pained. In the dead of night, she would often hold her pillow and cry quietly. Qinyi had no desire to become the other woman who would destroy someone’s family, and so, after some inner struggle and, heedless of Yuhuan’s pitiful entreaties, she endured the pain and cut off all communication with him.

She felt a little hurt. She never expected her first love to end up like this. But she still hoped, in the not-too-distant future, to find a love that would last her all her life.

Christian Love, How to Get Over a Breakup One time, Qinyi went with Haoyu and his friends out to eat and, during the meal, Haoyu answered a call. While he was on the phone, Qinyi heard him speak in a secretive tone, and her intuition told her that Haoyu was having a shady relationship with another girl. When she asked Haoyu, however, he vowed solemnly, guaranteeing that his feelings for Qinyi were true. Hearing him profess his innocence so, Qinyi chose to believe him. She later changed her place of work and Haoyu also started going to another city to work and, after some time had gone by, Haoyu kept in touch with Qinyi less and less.

Christian Love, How to Get Over a Breakup The sister continued her fellowship, saying, “From God’s words, we can see that the reason why mankind is so wicked and degenerate, so sordid and corrupt, is primarily because the various social trends that Satan gives rise to seduce people and corrupt them. Through all the people, events and things around us, Satan indoctrinates us with evil fallacies, such as ‘The red flag at home does not fall, the colored flags outside flutter in the breeze,’ ‘Seize the day for pleasure, for life is short,’ and ‘Don’t ask for eternity, be happy with now.’ And after we have been corrupted by Satan, our nature also becomes incredibly wicked, and it is then very easy for us to accept Satan’s wicked ideologies, we begin to play around with our physical lusts and advocate wickedness. We view having numerous affairs and one-night stands as great and glorious. Gradually, as we are poisoned and influenced by Satan’s evil ideologies, people become incredibly cold and heartless, selfish and despicable, wicked and degenerate, and they take no more thought to conscience or reason any longer. Take Yuhuan, for example. He didn’t care about ethics or morals, he was with you behind his wife’s back, and he hurt both you and his wife; Haoyu was fickle in his affections and carried on relationships with many girls at once, and he deceived other people. And yet he felt no shame, believing this kind of behavior meant that he was a powerful, charming man. Satan uses these evil trends not only to lure many people onto the path of greed and lust, to make them become more and more degenerate and become evil, promiscuous devils, but also to make many kind and loving husbands and wives to betray each other, so that their families ultimately break apart. As a result, social evils have become the way to follow, people’s relationships with each other are very chaotic, and the rates of divorce and re-marrying are on the rise. In such a wicked age as this, it’s very hard to find someone who will treat us sincerely, never mind a love that will forever be faithful. Sister, we have now understood from God’s words the truth of mankind’s corruption by Satan, and we now understand the ways in which Satan corrupts man and its despicable aims, and so we should regard interpersonal sentiment correctly. That way, we will not blindly live in pain and be deceived by Satan.”

Christian Love, How to Get Over a Breakup The words “has pity on,” “tenderness and affection” and “unbreakable affection,” deeply moved Qinyi’s heart. She thought about when she had been in the most pain, and God had brought her back into His family and used His words to soothe the wounds in her heart, and it had been God’s words that had made her see clearly that Satan corrupts, controls and deceives people by using evil trends and mistaken ideas about love. Only God’s words had enabled her to see through Satan’s cunning schemes, and she would no longer pursue a vague and illusory love, but instead would shun the harm Satan causes. Qinyi now understood that, only by coming before God and accepting His salvation, pursuing the truth and walking the path of fearing God and shunning evil, can one follow the right path in life. She came to deeply appreciate that, within this world, the love that is the most good, the most true and the most selfless, is God’s love for mankind. Only God silently loves man, gives them the breath of life, waters them and supplies them with the truth, and enables them to see through Satan’s cunning schemes and shun the harm of Satan. Qinyi had no way to ever repay such a love as this! She offered up her thanks and praise to God from the bottom of her heart, and she made a resolution: to pursue the truth, to follow God all her life and to follow the right path in life!

#God Himself #Satan #God’s words

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