#i ended up so scared of doing anything that could draw attention to myself. well like to an extent.

[makedamnsvre]

that post i just rbed like . 🧍‍♂️

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hello!

I wanted to ask a question, if that's okay. So, I'm genderfluid afab and feel like a man sometimes (probably more often than I allow myself to realise). I don't have access to a Binder or anything of that sort (transphobic parents).

Is there any way for me to look/be more masculine? I'm a bit scared of goggling because I don't want to accidentally take advice from Tate people or the like.

(PS. I really like your Siegfried Farnon cosplay!)

Heya!

This is a tough one to answer. Because "masculine" means different things to different people. And "passing", as well.

Like. When I wear my fleece jacket and baseball cap, I'm deliberately passing as a certain type of man. But I felt more masculine the other day wearing an ascot.

So, I think we need to break down this question:

1) If you're looking to pass, there are going to be trans masc guides out there that will direct you to a very particular gender presentation. They tend to assume you are white and skinny. They present themselves as a list of Dos and Do-Nots, and at the end of the day, do more harm than good, imo. Because passing guides are almost always about hiding parts of yourself physically, often to the expense of hiding parts of your psyche.

Seek them out if you must, but when it comes to passing for safety, all I can suggest is ambiguous layers, a hat, keeping your head down and your mouth shut. The best way to pass is to not draw attention to yourself, alas.

2) If you're looking to dress more masculine to alleviate gender dysphoria, then you need to drill down to what makes you dysphoric and start there. My smaller feet is one area of contention for me, so I look for semi-dressy shoes that look long and elegant (like Taft boots). Since you can't get a binder, consider layers, if your chest bothers you.

3) If you're looking to dress more masculine to seek gender euphoria, then figure out your aesthetic masculine ideal. Make a pinboard of Looks you enjoy and see if there are trends. Some folks are drawn to athletic wear. Work wear. Perhaps a vintage aesthetic -- Rockabilly. 90s grunge. 1940s British country vet (meeeee, lol).

Ask yourself: What are the hallmarks of this style? Are there casual and formal versions? How does it change seasonally? How much of it is clothing and how much of it is the body (haircut, being muscular, etc)? And above all - what is this style trying to communicate to others?

Once done, see what sort of fashion tips are out there for your style. Who are the fashion experts and how much do you care about their advice? (Menswear guy has great tips about how a modern suit "should" fit, but a lot of his advice is also personal preference with a big dollop of classism.)

Pay close attention to how men wear their clothes -- where they sit on the body, how they style the outfit. Compare how a man is styled in your preferred look to how a woman is styled and see what that sparks in you. How much of it is the clothing or body? How much is posture? You might discern some visual shorthand you can harness to be read as more masculine. You might also come up with ways to have plausible deniability around your parents by being able to pivot a masculine look to be more feminine, when needed.

After all this research, get yourself to a thrift shop or other second hand option and start experimenting. Buying actual men's clothing is probably going to be your best bet, but depending on your Look Book, that may not always be the case.

No one can tell you how to feel more masculine -- that really needs to come from within. Once you figure that out, then it's a matter of reconciling your ideal look with the peculiarities of your body. (And all men have their own challenges wrt the fit of clothes.)

Afford yourself as much grace as possible when it comes to your body. And again, remember that feeling more masculine and passing more masculine may not always overlap and could even be at odds. And only you can determine if and when that is a problem.

[d1xonss]

Desert Rose

Chapter 36 ~ The attack

✧ Paring : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 3

✧ Word Count : 6.4k

In this chapter ~ The following day wasn't any easier as the group needed to have a plan for if the Governor returned. It all led to a pretty big argument, everyone having a different opinion about what they should do. But none of their ideas or plans could've prepared them for the sudden attack they were faced with. However, nothing else seemed to prepare them for the familiar faces that had returned just in time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ROSE POV *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next morning finally rolled around after a long night of restful sleep, Glenn wasting no time gathering everyone together in the common room for some type of meeting. He began to question Carl about where he found Tyreese's group, knowing that if there was a blind spot somewhere, we had to find it. We weren't going to risk anymore walkers getting in that way, but more importantly, The Governor and his men if they planned to come.

I stood up against the wall as I watched Glenn draw out a map on the ground with a piece of chalk, going on and on about the spaces we needed to fill. His voice continued to bounce off the cement walls as he couldn't stress enough about how important this was, but I couldn't help but tune him out after a while. Ever since he had brought up that he eventually spilled where we were located to The Governor, now talking about how easily they could get in, I couldn't help but stew over it for longer than I intended.

A figure stepped up next to me then, bumping their shoulder with mine and I looked up to see Michonne, tilting her head towards me as she silently asked if I was alright. I only nodded my head and turned my attention back on Glenn, but I knew I didn't convince her.

"Why are we even so sure he's going to attack? Maybe you scared him off." Beth spoke up.

Michonne then quickly shook her head, "He had fish tanks full of heads, walkers and humans. Trophies. He coming." she said seriously.

"We should hit him now." Glenn said.

My eyes snapped back to him at the suggestion, "What?" Beth asked.

"He won't be expecting it," he continued, "We'll sneak back in and put a bullet in his head." he spoke, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. As if it were that easy.

"We're not assassins." Carol said bluntly.

He ignored her comment as he got up from his crouched position, moving closer as he spoke to Michonne, "You know where his apartment is, you and I could end this tonight." he attempted to convince.

But Michonne stayed silent for a while as she looked at him with almost uncertainty, "I'll do it myself." he tried.

She eyed him for only a moment longer, seeing how serious he grew about this, before silently nodding her head.

"No," I spoke up, grabbing his attention, "This plan is too risky, you haven't thought this thro-"

"Believe me I have." he cut me off.

"He didn't know you were coming last time and look what happened. You were almost killed, Daryl was captured, and you and Maggie were almost executed." Hershel said.

He turned back to face the old man, "You can't stop me."

"But I can." I piped up.

His head then whipped back towards me, and he got closer to my face, "No you can't."

"Is that a challenge?" I asked with anger lacing my voice.

The room instantly grew silent as my voice echoed around the space, everyone watched intently what we would do next. I would never hurt Glenn, but if he tried to leave and do this, I wouldn't hesitate to tackle his ass.

He didn't say anything as he swallowed thickly, so I did, "I'm not going to let you get yourself killed over a stupid plan you barely put any thought into. We wait, and come up with a better one."

"He could be gathering his men to come over here and attack right now!" he yelled in my face.

"Well then he wouldn't be in Woodbury waiting for you to kill him now would he?!" I yelled back, "And there goes your big plan."

I was a bit taken aback that he was here screaming in my face, not liking what this whole situation was doing to him. But I wasn't going to back down, I wasn't about to let him be as reckless as he wanted to be and get himself killed somehow trying to do this just because he was angry.

I could easily tell by his face that he wasn't expecting me to yell back, to stand up to him and get in his way, but I would do a whole lot more than that if he kept it up.

It was almost like a face off as we stared at each other for the long passing seconds, before Hershel's voice cut through the intense silence, "Rick would never allow this."

Glenn then turned towards Hershel and took a few steps away from me, "You really think he's in any position to make that choice?"

"Like Rose said, you need to think this through clearly. T-Dog lost his life here, Lori too. The men that were here. It isn't worth any more killing. What are we waiting for? If he's really on his way, we should be out of here by now."

"And go where?" Glenn asked.

"We lived out on the road all winter." Hershel pointed out.

Glenn sighed, "Back when you had two legs, and we didn't have a baby crying for walkers every four hours."

"We can't stay." he said calmly.

"We can't run." Glenn countered back.

I stayed silent as I watched him continue to argue with Hershel, his arms flailing all over the place just to prove his point, I almost couldn't believe how he was acting. He had every right to be upset for what happened to him and Maggie back there, for everything that asshole did to them, but he had no right to take it out on us.

He eventually concluded that we would stay put and fight for the prison and moved down to continue to tell Carl the plan about checking the tunnels again, but then he stopped in his tracks.

"Who's on watch?" he snapped.

No one said anything, causing him to get up quickly as he cursed under his breath, but I stopped him before he could fully walk out the door.

"No, don't worry princess, I got it." I assured while pushing his chest back a little.

Without another word, I left the common room and let the heavy door slam right behind me. I was so pissed off at his bitchy attitude, he was being so stupid it almost blew my mind. I understood that he wanted revenge, but this isn't how we do it. We had to be careful not to lose anyone else, and the fact that he was going around acting like he didn't care who we lost, made my blood boil.

Feeling relieved as I was finally up in the watchtower with a sniper in my hand, I needed some air, and a break from his stupid tantrums.

About two hours had passed in what felt like a flash as I sat myself near the bars of the tower, keeping an eye on the trees surrounding the place for any type of threat. Though there were many walkers that seemed to pile up a little around the gated fences, it was nothing new. Just the same old shit that we had been fighting since the beginning, no sign of The Governor or his people, not even a sign of anyone alive for that matter.

Though when Michonne made a comment about how he would come, I believed her. She knew how this man thought better than the rest of us did, expecting him to return with rage and destruction. But I never imagined we would get here. In a place where we were suddenly at some kind of war with a man and his community, one that we barely even knew. It was a lot to take in.

The door below began to creak open slowly from behind me and I rolled my eyes as I adjusted the gun in my lap, "Go away." I said in a sing-song tone.

"It's me." Maggie's voice called out, and I turned around to see her standing there with a solemn look on her face, "You want me to leave you alone?"

I pretended to think for a second before shaking my head, "Nah, you're the only exception."

She slightly smiled, "Thanks babe."

I nodded and gestured for her to come over and take a seat next to me, and she moved upon see in my silent invitation. We both sat down while the gun I had now rested in my lap, continuing to gaze out at the tree line just a couple yards away.

She stayed quiet from beside me but I knew she had a lot on her mind, she just didn't know where to start. I could feel her eyes on me as she tried to find her voice, opening and shutting her mouth a few times in hesitance. I didn't want to push her, but maybe if I lightened the mood it would get her talking.

"So, did you come up here to talk, or just stare at my pretty face?" I asked, glancing over at her with a smirk.

She let out a chuckle and looked down at her hands, "Both." she replied reluctantly, getting me to laugh along with her.

"What's on your mind?" I asked as I turned better to face her.

She hesitated for a moment before making eye contact with me, "Nothing, I just... kinda snapped at Glenn." she admitted, sounding a little ashamed.

I scoffed, "Well, apparently I was one step ahead of you on that one today."

She laughed with a shake of her head, "Yeah, I guess so...but I'm kind of glad you did. In my opinion I think he was way out of line, with you and my dad." she said.

I nodded my head, "He was. The Governor shoved a stick so far up his ass and now he's taking it out on all of us."

She silently agreed, beginning to nervously pick at her nails as she spoke the next dreaded words, "He's just mad about what Merle did to him. And...what The Governor did to me." she admitted quietly.

My eyes widened, but she answered the question before it even came out of my mouth, "No he didn't. He just...made me take off my shirt and bra, and...pushed himself up against me. He didn't do anything really, it was nothing...just scared me real bad."

I shook my head, "That's not just nothing Mags." I argued.

"It could've been worse." she said quietly.

"...It could've," I agreed, "But that doesn't mean you should brush this off like it was nothing...that must've been so traumatizing...I'm so sorry."

"Thanks." she nodded in appreciation, her voice coming out practically a whisper, "I'm just having a hard time processing it I think, and Glenn keeps avoiding me because of all of it...well until just a few minutes ago."

"What happened?"

"He...he came into our cell to check on me, but I didn't feel like saying a whole lot to him. But he almost pushed me to tell him what really happened while we were separated, what happened with The Governor. I didn't want to relive it and go into detail, but he kept asking...so I told him. And then I yelled at him...I think I'm just pissed he pushed me to tell him more about it. But...that's probably a stupid reason to snap at him huh?"

I shook my head, "No it's not, you weren't ready. He should've waited until you were comfortable enough to tell him about it yourself."

She nodded her head in agreement and looked down, "You want me to beat him up for you?" I asked.

I heard her laugh a little but she shook her head, "No, that's okay, I just needed some time to cool off. I'll talk to him later."

I nodded, showing her I understood completely before moving forward to pull her into a hug, which she gladly returned. "I'm so sorry that happened to you. And don't you think for one minute that we won't make him pay for what he did."

"I know we will." she whispered, still holding onto me tightly.

We stayed in each other's arms for a little while, the gesture and comfort being something she really needed before we finally broke apart, silence taking over once again. This time however, the silence wasn't tense as it seemed to be before. It felt peaceful just sitting with each other instead of both of us being by ourselves with our racing thoughts. I enjoyed the company even though I originally wanted to be alone, she somehow truly was an exception.

But I could then feel her eyes on me again after a few moments of her thinking, and I just knew the things she wanted to say. It was almost as if I read her mind, just by briefly seeing the one saddened look on her features.

"You don't even have to say it." I muttered.

Her frown stretched even further, "But I want to...we haven't talked about it."

"There's a reason we haven't." I brushed off, "It's over. It's done."

She sighed to herself, looking at me with furrowed brows and saddened eyes, "I'm sorry about Daryl." she said softly, so softly I almost didn't hear it. Though a part of me wished I hadn't.

"Maggie-"

"No," she cut me off, "You're hurting, I can see that. I just didn't want you to think that you couldn't talk to me about it. I'm always here to listen."

I shook my head, "I don't need to talk about it because there's nothing to talk about. He left. And I...didn't follow him."

"Do you regret not going with him?" she asked.

"No." I said instantly, "...Yeah? I- I don't know." I muttered in defeat.

"Hey," she whispered, placing a hand on my shoulder to get me to actually look at her, "I don't want you to think you have to put up this front like you're okay, because I can tell you're not. Just...let it out."

I shook my head, "I have, trust me. I just do it alone, I don't want anyone else seeing me like that." I said with a sarcastic laugh, before pausing upon seeing how serious her face had become. Maybe I had been putting up a front, more than I even originally realized.

And then it happened, he entered my mind again like he always seemed to do. "I miss him." I admitted quietly.

She sighed in sympathy before bringing me in for another hug, as I tried desperately not to break down in front of her. "I know you do," she whispered, "But it'll be okay, everything will work itself out." she promised, rubbing my back lightly.

Tears built up in my eyes, ones that she couldn't see. I couldn't bring myself to speak in fear that my voice would crack at the first word that left my lips, so I only nodded. Not fully knowing if I could believe that, but yet wanting to more than anything.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* DARYL POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My feet trucked heavily through the woods as fast as I could, ignoring Merle's quick steps from behind me as he yelled, trying to keep up to really rip into me. His reason for being this pissed was stupid, getting all fired up at me for stopping him after he wanted to rob an innocent family we came across. They were fighting off a small herd of walkers when we found them, leading to us making a beeline over towards their direction to help take care of the rest. Merle's actions honestly surprised me...until they didn't.

As some type of "payment" for saving them he wanted to pick through the supplies out of their car, shouting at them and threatening them however he pleased. But I had already had enough of his dumbass, aiming my crossbow at his head to finally get him to stop harassing these people we didn't even know.

I told the family to just drive, get away fast while I had stopped him for the time being and right when I saw they were far enough away, I turned around swiftly to avoid the confrontation, heading back towards the forest. I should've expected this from him, his old tendances resurfacing, but I guess it was something I didn't think about when it came to taking off with him again. But everything he did, everything he said, was starting to piss me off more than I could even describe.

Ever since the first night when he brought up Rose the way he did, trying to convince me of things that weren't true, I was even done with him then.

"The shit you doing, pointing that thing at me?!" he asked harshly while still following close behind.

"They were scared man." I said, not slowing down or stopping.

He scoffed, "They're rude is what they were. Rude and they owed us a token of gratitude."

"They didn't owe us nothin." I grumbled, thinking back to how they were struggling to protect themselves on their own, all while also trying to keep the baby they had safe. Helping them was the least I could've done in my mind.

"I see you, helpin people out of the goodness of your heart? Even though you might die doin it. Is that something your little girlfriend taught ya?"

I stopped in my tracks once he said that, whipping back around to look him in the eye, "There was a baby." I snapped.

"Oh, otherwise you would have just left them for the biters then?" he questioned, and I knew exactly what he was implying.

I shook my head, "Man, I went back for you. Ya weren't there. I didn't cut off your hand either, you did that. Way before they locked you up on that roof. Ya asked for it." I said.

To my surprise, his face formed into a smile as he started to chuckle a little to himself. "You know what's funny to me? You and sheriff Rick are like this now." he crossed his pointer and middle finger together, "Right? I bet ya a penny and a fiddle of gold that you never told him that we were planning on robbing that camp blind."

I paused for a moment as I thought back to our plan we discussed a long time ago, long when we first found the group to begin with. "It didn't happen."

"Yeah, it didn't cause I wasn't there to help you." he spat.

I took a step closer to him, "What like when we were kids? Huh? Who left who then?"

"What? Is that why I lost my hand?!"

"Ya lost yer hand because yer a simple-minded piece of shit!" I snapped.

Upon hearing that, he began to yell things that I couldn't bring myself to listen to anymore as I turned away from him, my eyes widening once I felt him grab the back of my shirt to pull me back, hearing it rip. My knees buckled and hit the ground at the amount of force he used, feeling his eyes burning at the spots on my back that I didn't want him to see.

I felt like I was melting under his gaze, practically feeling his eyes widening as he eyed every single one lining my skin. The feeling that came with his realization felt awful. Fearful even. But when I showed Rose, ashamed and scared, she kissed over them with such love I had never felt before, making my fear instantly disappear. Hell, I felt like I fell even deeper in love with her in that moment alone.

But here I was now, fully exposed to my brother who now suddenly was at a loss for words when normally he didn't know how to shut the fuck up. I quickly tried to pull my shirt back up to cover them out of embarrassment, but I felt it was too torn. So I quickly took my backpack instead, shrugging it on my shoulders to hide them once more.

"I-I didn't know he-"

"Yeah he did." I interrupted him, "He did the same to you, that's why you left first." I muttered almost bitterly.

I meant for my tone to come out loud and intimidating, but when I spoke all I could hear was insecurity in my voice.

"I had to man, I would've killed him otherwise." he told me.

I only scoffed towards him, not even looking him in the eye as I stood back up to my full height, walking away from him through the woods, "Where you goin?" he called after me.

"Back where I belong." I snapped.

"What? Back to your little girlfriend? Besides I can't go with ya. I tried to kill that black bitch, damn near killed that Chinese kid."

My blood boiled at his racism, "He's Korean." I corrected.

"Whatever! Doesn't matter man I just can't go with you." he replied.

I took a breath, "Ya know, I might be the one walkin away, but yer the one who's leaving...again." I spoke, walking away from him for good.

I should've known from the beginning not to go with him and leave everyone else behind. Leave Rose behind. But that was a stupid mistake, and all I could think about now was finally getting back to her. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her and how she never once left my mind, how I was constantly trying to find a way to come back to her.

And now I was.

My feet couldn't take me nearly as fast as I wanted to go, harshly pushing through the branches in my way as if that would somehow get me there quicker. To finally get back home.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ROSE POV *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Maggie left a little while ago to go back to her cell to have some time by herself, while I stayed on watch for a little while longer. No one else had offered to take over for me whilst I had been up here for hours, but I honestly didn't mind. In a way it gave me some peace of mind that no one remained out in the distance watching us. Seeing for myself that there truly wasn't a threat, even though I continued to double and triple check.

But my attention was pulled away from the tree line once I saw a brief glimpse of Glenn getting into another argument with Hershel just outside. I caught myself almost stepping down to yell at him for flipping out on the poor old man again, but he was already making his way to a truck before I could say a thing.

My eyes slightly widened, "Glenn Rhee, don't you dare get in that truck!" I yelled down to him.

Everything was screaming at me, telling me that I knew exactly what he was doing. He was going back, and he was going back alone.

But like a child, he just made dead eye contact with me, slightly glaring, while slowly getting into the driver's seat anyway.

"Glenn!" I yelled again but he quickly started it up and drove off, stepping further on the gas and out of the gates before anyone had a chance to stop him. I cursed under my breath as I watched the vehicle disappear further into the distance, leaving only a smoke cloud behind.

The man was being so goddamn stubborn, and he was going to get himself killed. Tossing the gun I had on the ground, I turned to make my way down from the watch tower to talk to Hershel about what was said between the two of them, but something else in the distance caught my eye.

There was a person lingering towards the woods, wandering around the outside of the prison gates. In a split second, I had picked the weapon back up, looking through the scope to spot the figure clearly, but stopping completely when I saw it was Rick. He was looking left and right repeatedly as if he was looking for someone, and I lowered the weapon with furrowed brows.

I didn't hesitate then to get down from the watchtower, exiting through the gate before jogging across the field to talk to him. I was growing more worried about him with each passing day, watching him slowly lose his mind as his eyes spotted things that weren't actually there. His movements only reminding me of what happened the other day in the common room, staring up at the balcony before breaking out in a cold sweat as if something was watching him.

By the time I made it up to the fence, he had walked a little further into the woods as he continued searching, making me have to call his name multiple times so he would acknowledge my presence. After a few seconds, he finally heard my voice, turning back slowly to walk over up to the other side of the fence.

Once he was close enough, I spoke, "You know I wouldn't have ran my ass all the way down here if it wasn't important." I tried to joke, still slightly out of breath.

A soft smile crossed his lips, "When are you coming back? I love Glenn but that man is really starting to get on my nerves. We need you." I said.

"If you're worried about him leading this group, then you lead." he said seriously.

"Hilarious." I deadpanned, briefly looking around behind him, "What are you doing down here?"

He paused and looked away from me as he stuttered, "I've- I've been, I've got, stuff out here. Stuff..." he trailed off suddenly.

"Stuff." I repeated with a slow nod of my head, "Well...how much longer does this stuff need?" I asked, my concern for him only growing.

He shrugged, "I don't know."

"Rick, you know you can talk to me. Why are you out here?" I asked softly.

He stared at me for a few moments, wanting desperately to tell me what was on his mind but something was holding him back. Maybe it would sound crazy, maybe he felt that no one would believe him, but the truth was I would. I just wanted to know what the hell was going on with him, so I could know how to help him.

"I saw something..." he finally said, "Lori. I saw- I'm seeing Lori...I know it's not really her, but there's got to be a reason. It's got to mean something you know?"

I nodded my head as I saw him finally confiding in me, "Do...do you see her now?" I asked cautiously.

He looked around for a moment before shaking his head, "I don't think you're just seeing her...I think you're looking for her." I stated.

"I'm waiting." he corrected.

"For what?"

"I don't know, something. There's an answer. I know it doesn't make sense- well it does, it can make sense, I think in time it will make sense-"

"Rick," I sighed to stop his rambling, "When was the last time you slept?"

He shook his head, "I...I don't know." he admitted quietly.

"You need rest." I told him gently.

He didn't reply, just looked down at his feet as his mind clouded with more thoughts, "Do you remember last night when you told me not to blame myself...for what happened to her?" I asked.

He slowly looked up at me and nodded his head, "The same goes for you." I spoke, "Don't blame yourself...it'll destroy you. Especially when it wasn't your fault." I repeated back to him.

He opened his mouth to say something else, but then looked over my shoulder as if he caught a glimpse of movement. At first I was fearful to turn around, not knowing if there was going to be an actual person behind me or not, but I slowly managed to turn over my shoulder to only see Hershel hopping his way down carefully towards us. Thank God.

When he caught up with us, he placed a hand on my shoulder, "Mind if I talk to Rick for a moment, dear?" he asked me and I nodded, glancing back to Rick once more before heading back up towards the prison to give them a second alone.

As I was walking across the long field, I spotted Michonne standing by the abandoned bus in the grass, giving me a small wave once our eyes locked. Raising my hand up to wave back, I slowly made my way over to her instead.

But right as I was finally close enough to speak, opening my mouth to say something, I didn't even get a chance as she quickly reached out and pulled me back with a thud against the bus. Her hand was placed firmly on my shoulder as she kept me behind the hunk of junk, peering around the vehicle with widened eyes.

My brows furrowed as I tried to ask what she saw, but not a second later, I heard a single gunshot fire come from the trees. Then a loud, shocked scream came from just inside the prison gates, whipping my head over to see it was Carol as a body collapsed on top of her. It was Axel, a bullet piercing through his head and his blood splattering over the side of the watchtower.

My eyes got wide as I scanned the area for where the shot came from, spotting a single car in the distance with a few people surrounding it. It didn't take a genius to know who it was, and I quickly became furious. That son of a bitch really came back here.

After I spotted him standing still, far enough away from our gates, I quickly loaded the gun in my hands. That's when more gunfire started coming from all around us, and I peeked out from around Michonne just in time to see Hershel dive to the ground to avoid the flying bullets. I pushed past her lightly and began shooting at the men standing behind their vehicles in the tree line, firing at the ones who were the closest to him.

My gaze then spotted a stranger standing near one of the watch towers, shooting at Carl and Beth as they were trying to take cover. I quickly moved my aim, firing right at the man and instantly watching him go down with a single headshot. Not even hesitating as I whipped back to my original spot and kept firing just as before, in hopes it would buy the older man some time.

But then it very quickly grew silent, everyone stopping their actions suddenly. But once I listened more carefully, I could briefly hear the engine of a car coming our way. I hoped to God it was Glenn, but my face dropped even more when I saw it was some type of white van coming straight at our gates and quickly barreled through them without a second thought. It rushed past the bus Michonne and I were still hiding behind, feeling her hand quickly pull me out of the way so I wouldn't get hit.

It came to a stop in the middle of the field, leaving us all waiting in anticipation for something else to happen. Then all of a sudden, a man popped out of the driver's seat and headed towards the back, ducking and avoiding all the shots our people were trying to fire at him. He opened the back doors quickly, letting walkers spill out of the van and onto our land.

I immediately panicked once I saw how close they were to Hershel, attempting to run over and get to him but Michonne pulled me back again, seconds before someone began firing right at the spot we were hiding behind.

"Hershel get out of there!" I yelled.

I saw him pull out a small gun and start firing at the walkers, while trying to crawl away as best as he could, not being able to get back up without help. The Governor's people all started to make their way back to their vehicles to make a run for it, leaving our group to spread out further to kill all the many walkers they had just released. Fucking cowards.

I saw the van start back up, beginning to turn around and beeline it out of the field right as Glenn's truck pulled back up through the broken gates. Oh, I wanted to kill him right now.

He made his way over to Hershel the second he caught sight of him, and I began to run alongside of the truck so we could help get him in and get him the fuck out of here. Michonne was killing off walkers around us as we ran, and I finally made it to Hershel who was still laying on the ground, putting one of his arms around my shoulders, helping him up and back towards the truck.

Glenn then hopped out of the vehicle only seconds later, rushing over to the two of us to help him move faster on the other side of him. Hershel jumped as fast as he could as we guided him over to the passenger side, glancing behind us to see Michonne still stalling the walkers away from us.

Once he was in safely, I slammed the door shut and watched Glenn get back into the driver's seat, starting it back up again. Michonne turned back to jump in the back, kicking her legs over to make it in safely and reached a hand out for me to take. I ducked out of the way of the walker's grasp, trying to make it over towards where she was reaching, but I was quickly cut off as more of them caught sight of me in the middle.

I pulled out my gun again to try and shoot at them, but it clicked. Fuck.

"Rose!" Glenn yelled from the driver's side, knowing he couldn't wait much longer with the amount coming at him.

"Just go! Get them out of here!" I screamed.

He hesitated for a moment before groaning to himself, driving back up towards the prison where everyone else was watching. I got my knives out and began to throw them at any corpses coming my way, backing up slowly so they couldn't corner me. Many of them had now caught sight of me alone, and I looked over to see if Rick was still outside the gate, but I couldn't spot him anywhere from where I was placed.

But the second I caught an opening through the small herd of walkers, I booked it through the space in attempts to make it back up to the prison on foot. My curly hair bounced wildly as I pushed myself to run as fast as I could, the wind momentarily blowing it towards my face to a point where I couldn't see anymore. I moved my hands to get it out of my face the second it was in my vision, but it was already too late as I missed the walker coming at me from my right.

It collided with me and I fell to the ground harshly. I was so close to the gates that I could hear everyone calling my name desperately, hearing them try to make it over to me. I groaned and struggled with the walker on top of my chest, catching it trying to claw at my shoulders. But then it fell limp against me just as quickly as it tackled me.

My eyes looked up to see a bolt sticking out of the side of its head, piercing through the entirety of its skull. My breath caught in my throat at the thought, but he left. He couldn't have come back, right?

As soon as those thoughts echoed in my mind I looked up and my eyes widened. There he was. Side by side with Merle and Rick as they fought off the many walkers that got too close, firing repeatedly at their skulls. I finally shoved the walker off of me and stood up immediately, nodding back towards the gates without a second thought so we could actually make it out of this thing alive.

"Come on!" I yelled at them, and the three quickly followed me the little distance we had left to go, Maggie rushing to open the broken gate before slamming it shut behind us.

The moment I knew we were safe, my eyes connected with Daryl's from the space between us. I didn't hesitate before I was running towards him quickly, watching as he stayed firmly in place, opening his arms up for me to crash into. I practically tackled him in a hug with a gasp and my legs immediately wrapped around his waist, feeling him hold me up in place while burying his face into my neck. I felt myself begin to tear up at the familiar feeling I had craved so badly, his grip on me never loosening.

We held onto each other for what felt like forever before he leaned forward a little and set me back down to my feet, his arms still glued around my waist. I pulled back to get a look at his features, seeing his perfect blue eyes again and I sighed to myself as I placed my hands on either side of his face, bringing my lips up to his cheek to kiss him multiple times.

He chuckled as he brought me into his chest once more, hugging me tightly again as if he never wanted to let go. I couldn't even begin to explain the emotions I was feeling right now, but all I cared about in that moment was that he was here. He came back. I couldn't bring myself to care about anything else at the shock was still so evident that he was truly here standing right in front of me.

As we finally pulled apart, he quickly placed a kiss on my forehead before looking back down at me. "You're here." I whispered.

"M' here." he repeated, "I ain't goin anywhere else, m' here." he said softly while taking his hands and wiping away the tears that somehow managed to escape my eyes.

I laughed, unable to contain my happiness as I pulled him in for another hug, our intertwined bodies rocking from side to side. I took everything in as I held him close, glancing over his shoulder momentarily to see Merle standing off to the side with an odd expression on his face. Though I couldn't tell what that expression was for, nor could I tell what was going on in his mind. But I didn't linger on it for very long as Daryl pulled away slightly again.

"I'll explain everythin later. But right now..." he trailed off as he glanced back to Rick.

I turned to look over my shoulder, following his gaze to see Rick standing there with his eyes on the field, looking about ready to burst into flames with how angry he had become. But the man didn't utter a word. Not a single word as he just nodded back towards the prison, expecting us all to follow behind him.

This should be fun.

~Thanks for reading!

[bridgyrose]

Weiss sank her sharp teeth into the roasted chicken that Ruby had brought for her, a small moan leaving her lips as her tail wagged. She savored the taste with each bite while trying to keep herself from tearing into it as her instincts wanted. “This is better than what I’ve had in months!” 

“What do you normally eat then?” Ruby asked as she sat down next to Weiss. 

“Rabbits, deer… and sometimes when I’m close enough to a village I’ll trade favors for food. Stuff like doing chores for people or killing grimm.” 

“Then why not stay closer to the villages? Sounds like you get a good deal out of it.” 

“Because I’m a monster as far as any of them are concerned.” Weiss took another ravenous bite of her chicken. “And besides, its hard to keep myself looking human enough to not draw attention to me being a werewolf.” 

Ruby nodded and watched Weiss. “So how exactly did you get like”- she motioned her hands around Weiss- ��like this?” 

Weiss paused mid bite as she looked at Ruby. She slowly lowered her chicken and sighed as she pulled up a sleeve to show the scarred bite mark. “It… was a training accident. No one knew that one of the students I was training with was a wolf and… well… you saw how I reacted to getting touched by a little silver. I’m sure you can imagine what would happen if I’m struck with it.” 

“Training… were you training to be a huntress?” 

“I was. Father didnt like it, but it felt like the right path for me at the time. But after I was bit and shifted the following full moon, I ran away from home. I tried to go back a couple years after to take the exam to get into one of the academies, but there ended up being another full moon the night before and… well… I ended up attacking someone.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ruby said quietly. “How… how long have you been on your own then?” 

“About ten years.” Weiss went back to eating her chicken, practically crunching on the bones. “Long enough for me to take up my own training and work on my own.” 

“Must be rough.” 

Weiss shrugged and finished off the chicken she’d been given. She licked her lips and took a deep breath to try to focus on her human form, feeling her ears and tail disappear for the moment. Even after years of trying to pass as human, the form still felt foreign to her. And yet, it still felt more comfortable to be in around Ruby. Not that she ever felt uncomfortable around her in the hours since they first met. 

A small blush crossed her cheeks as she thought a bit more about Ruby. The girl was easy to talk to, didnt seem to be scared of her being a wolf, and cute to top it all off. “What about you? Did you train to be a huntress?” 

“I did,” Ruby answered. “Everyone in my family trained to be a huntsman. My sister and I attended Beacon together, though she went off with her girlfriend after we graduated. My mom and dad were on the same team too when they were in training, and the stories he told me of her made me want to be the huntress I am today.” 

“You do realize that means hunting down monsters like me, right?” 

“Well, yes, but… monsters like you are still people. You deserve to live a peaceful life, even if it means you cant be near the kingdoms.” 

Weiss smiled a bit and looked away from Ruby as her blush started to fade. “If only others could be like you. But the reality is that nobody wants anything that resembles a monster or a grimm nearby. And even if people were okay with me here, it wouldnt matter once the full moon came around. I… I still lose control.” 

“Then why not stay here with me until you have control?” 

Weiss went quiet as she looked over at Ruby again, not quite sure what to think. It’d be nice to have a place to call home, even if it’d only be for a while. But the thought of sharing a home with Ruby, staying with someone as kind as her… 

Her blush came back as she looked away, voice cracking briefly as she spoke. “I-I couldnt… I might hurt you on the full moon or bring people to you that might want to hurt you for taking me in-” 

“It’ll be fine,” Ruby said with a smile, offering a hand to Weiss. “I have a cabin in Patch that we can stay at. Far enough away from people that you wont be bothered and there’s plenty of space so when the full moon comes around, you can keep your distance if you’re that worried.” 

Weiss slowly reached for Ruby’s hand, tempted by the offer. A place to finally call home. A place she could finally be at peace and left alone for a few months. And yet, she couldnt find it in her to take Ruby’s hand, to take the offer that she was given. She slowly pulled her hand away, almost lingering until clutched her cloak. “I-I want to, but I cant.” 

“I dont understand. You could finally have the peace you want-” 

“And all I’d do is hurt you.” Weiss closed her cloak and pulled the hood over. “I should go. I wouldnt want you to get in trouble for being with me.” 

Ruby reached out to Weiss. “W-wait! Weiss!” 

Weiss pulled away as she felt Ruby’s fingers brush against her shoulder, her body freezing for just a moment as she took a quick look back at Ruby before running off into the woods. She felt her heart race the further she went, a few tears running down her cheeks at the thought of avoiding Ruby. But if it was the only way to keep her safe, then so be it. 

She’d avoid Ruby for as long as she’d need.

Prev

[victoria-grimesss]

tear you apart - part VI

masterlist

->Pairing: König x fem!reader

->Words: 2.8k

->Warning: probably wrong military terms/methods, hurt, angst, mention of wounds, blood, fluff at the end.

->A/N: L/N = last name, also I depict König as an older guy, he takes off his mask in this part so feel free to imagine him differently if my description is not what you want. :)

You double and triple check your ammo, ensuring and memorizing just how much you have, knives strapped to you, your usual gear as well.

The chopper is pumping with adrenaline, you could feel it in the air like electric shocks. 

You sit across from König, he's clad in all his gear and is talking with the captain about routes.

You’ve chatted with some of the others on the ride over and you learned they’re also highly experienced.

“You ready? Think you can keep up?” 

Another soldier teases you and you laugh nudging him with your shoulder as you go over the plan again.

We drop on the northeast of enemy territory.

König splits the team in two for the two buildings to search.

You and the captain lead a stealth operation on the first building that is supposed to have the hard drives in it.

König and the others will enter the other building and make a distraction, deter the enemies from your building to give you ample time to extract the data.

You’re not nervous, not one bit. But your eyes drift to König and he gives you a wink before returning to the captain. 

Your only worry is losing him and that scares the hell out of you.

Never had you had someone on your shoulder, gnawing at the back of your head. Someone you love so much you would die for them.

You’re scared to lose König, but he’s a strong guy. One bullet couldn't bring him down, the scars on his chest prove that.

König stands, the red overhead light paints him like a God, built like one and ready to tear down whatever comes in his way.

“We are approaching the drop point, we will exit northeast and make our way toward enemy lines. I expect all of you to follow the directions given and follow either mine or the captain's orders when directed, do I make myself clear.”

A resounding yes sir echoes the body of the cabin.

“You will radio if anything changes or if you need assistance, we enter this as a team and we leave as one too.”

König looks at you as he speaks to the room but he wants to make sure you hear every word he says.

“These people will not hesitate to kill you or capture you, their torture methods are not pleasant so shoot to kill.”

We approach the ground and your heart races, like before a big test. 

The group exits quickly as soon as we land and the chopper takes off to avoid fire or drawing attention to the group.

“Will the enemy group know of our arrival?” Someone asks the captain as they readjust their straps.

“No. They have a supply drop in the area and at the same time they won’t think anything.”

You all trudge along, König at the front you close behind and the others behind you with the captain at the back.

König seems like he carries the world on his shoulders on the field and he kinda does. 

He has a large gun in his arms with a sniper on his back, full gear makes him look otherworldly and broad as all hell. 

His head is on a swivel and you scan the surroundings, the sunset casting dark shadows across the landscape and you think of the last time you and König were together when the sun was setting. 

Dust kicks up behind the group and long sets of footprints scatter the ground. 

It’s only the sound of boots on the ground, carabiners catching on metal, and gloves readjusting on guns. 

The walk is lengthy and you keep up next to König’s paces, the group keeps close and you all keep a lookout. 

We’ll go back to my place after this promise.

You made him promise you something, to help your morale you said, he had laughed. 

“We’re approaching the split point, everyone stay on their tasks and we’ll be back to the evac in no time.”

You and König exchange a nod and you stay back to stick with your captain and your smaller group.

The dirt road splits, a lightning struck tree split down the middle is your marker and the two groups split. König’s back is to you and your heart aches the slightest before turning back and returning to your group

Go in quietly and get out. 

You round the first corner of the building, heavy tree cover aiding you nicely. 

Cold shadows move around you and you keep looking out.

“L/N, enter the upstairs window and move down the hall, take out who you can. We’ll sweep over the bottom floor and move upwards, most combatants will be downstairs.”

Your captain boosts you up to the side railing and you scale it and enter through the window, entering a dusty supply closet. The dust and spores are visible in the air.

“L/N, have you entered the building?”  

Your captain questions.

“Affirmative, exiting the closet and beginning a sweep. Will move left down the hall.”

You reply, you stay low, bringing a silenced pistol out and opening the door.

You encounter the first couple enemies and you take them out silently, you hear the coms spark to life again, König’s team has breached the building and the commotion from there stirs this building to life.

You hear the enemies roaring to life talking about an ambush and you move a little bit faster.

“L/N, have you breached the room yet?”

“I’m approaching, standby.”

The hallway is dimly lit, dusty, and heavily rundown. 

You open the door and the room is expansive and large crates block the room's view.

“Breached the room, searching for the computer towers.”

“Copy, stay alert L/N firefight sounds heavy on the other side.”

For a brief moment you wonder if König is okay. Heavy firefight but he’s capable.

You make your way to the tower and dig the USB out of your chest pocket.

“Room is empty, no sight of activity lately.”

You hear a response from your captain and you listen quietly to König’s team's chatter. 

They take down enemies quickly, König reporting a majority of the kills. 

“USB, inserted. Hacking through the firewall and transferring the files.”

You don’t hear any response.

It’s quiet.

Then the room shakes and you hear a bang, then a flash.

“Shit.”

You move behind a crate but still close enough to the computer to see the progress.

The coms crack

“L/N, copy?- Get out, ambu- large scale, -bad intel.”

Your captain's voice is choppy but you get the idea, bad intel and an ambush great, a taste of what you’re supposed to be giving the enemy.

You cough as the smoke clears the room and you drop lower, the coms are frequent with reports about where the ambush came from the who might have tipped them off. 

Rapid gunfire is heard everywhere, you hear the team downstairs firing and the comms indicate the same in the other building.

You fire at the silhouettes that enter through the door you entered, they wear gear you’ve never seen.

You duck again as fire rains over you and you can’t forget about the USB, the whole reason you’re there.

“Fuck, fuck fuck.” You're frustrated but not discouraged. 

You fire blindly back and you hear your captain call for rapid evac, inform HQ of the ambush and support is needed.

“L/N I need you out of that building.”

“Copy Colonel.”

It’s König and his tone is demanding, harsh.

“Evac out of the buildings now, we’re shooting our way out of this.”

You try to move from your current position to retrieve the USB but you’re nearly grazed by a bullet and move back into position.

“Requesting backup at my position, I’m under heavy fire. Whatever they have in these files it’s important and they don’t want us leaving with them.”

“Copy L/N, trying to move upstairs but heavy fire down here is deterring, try to get out any way possible.”

Your captain speaks, his voice strained.

The intel you received was right about one thing. This is the info you’re after but the enemy targets know damn well they're not going to let your team leave with it. The one thing no-one knew was that the targets were requesting more troops to their area and today, actually right now, is when they arrived. 

The night offered good cover to your team, you could slip away into the trees with the data and leave. 

Moonlight now streams through the boarded windows behind you, it’s so dark and you move, quickly retrieving the USB just as someone shoots the computer and it grazes your arm, leaving an angry red gash, sparks from the computer fly everywhere, some rain onto you like a mist.

You manage to shoot a few combatants and you rain fire upon them and book it across the room aiming towards the side room which leads to a stairwell and backdoor.

You’re inches from the door when someone rams into you from the side knocking you back, the air is dislodged from you and you scramble to gain the upperhand.

It’s a larger man on-top of you, eyes narrow and eyebrows furrowed.

“L/N, do you copy?”

König doesn't sound patient.

L/N, do you copy?!”

He’s frantic now as the man above you gains the upper hand and wraps his hands around your throat. You reach for your knife and stab him in the thigh, he falters and you’re able to get a hit in to his cheekbone. 

You crawl to your gun that had slipped from your grasp but the man gains his strength back and pulls you by your leg away from the gun.

“Can you just fuck off?!”

You yell at him, you kick him in the stomach but he straddles you again, wrapping his hands heavily around your throat, König is yelling for you in the coms, he demands a response from you.

—

His gun is putting down enemies faster than ever, he tears through people with the ease of tissue paper.

Dust flies through the air with the way the bodies hit the ground.

“We move to that building now, get over there now!”

He demands and they're rounding the building, the door to the back is barricaded from the inside and he kicks it right in the center of the double doors and it flies open with ease. 

He’s laser focused and his mind is only on finding you. 

For someone so big his steps are quiet, he rushes through the building dropping enemies like they're nothing.

The stairs in the back creak under his and the other members feet, they scale them quickly and he slams the door open.

The team guns down all the enemies and he sees you in the back of the room, his eyes are locked onto the man above you and he’s felt no rage as hot and acidic like this.

He would love to tie this man to a chair and make him wish for death each day.

His hands grasp the man's neck and he tears him off of you and you gasp for air, regaining your composure.

The man's eyes go wide at the sight of him, like many do.

König grips his neck and leg as he raises him above him, he drops him hard onto his knee and the sound of the man's spine breaking cleanly is heard in the room.

König is on you next, he holds you so close you think your spine might break too.

One hand is in your hair, he smells it deeply and you can hear how his breathing shakes.

“I’m okay.”

“I know, I know liebling.”

He helps you up, you and the rest of the team make your sweep through the rest of the building taking out whomever is left. König has the most precision you’ve ever seen, his marks never miss and he keeps you close to him.

König and the captain meet up and your team takes a moment to call for evac, one of the other members took a bullet in the process and you help him wrap it and you take that time to wrap your arm as well. König watches you carefully, he cursed himself for letting you get hurt as you did, whoever gave the intel is going to hear from him, none of the words he will share with them will be kind. 

Your team moves through the woods quietly, the creatures of the night stirring with your movements. Moonlight is your guide and the chopper lands down on a fire burnt hilltop where you finally get to leave.

—

The ride back is silent, it always is. No-one was expecting such a firefight but there were no casualties on your side and for that you are all thankful.

The captain applauds everyone's works, you hand over the flashdrive to König for safe keeping, he’ll send it over to the intelligence department once you all get back to decrypt the text. But for now you are resting your head on his shoulder and he’s content you can find sleep. 

—

When you are back to base you deflate in the medical unit, you let them check you over and they clean your graze wound. You wince a bit but you’re just happy to feel the pain, that was a close call but the way König fought ignites a weird primal part of you that loves that he protected you so.

König told you he had to speak with someone when you got back, he left you with a light push towards the medical wing and now that you’re done you just want to get the grime off your skin and sleep.

His room smells like a mixture of the two of you now. His cologne and your shampoo in his bed make you drowsy but you strip off your gear, setting it on the dresser and slowly strip in the bathroom. You look over the bruises and the wrapping on your arm, the water is hot when you enter and it eases your muscles.

“Liebling?”

“In the shower my love.”

Your heart flutters with him being nearby. He entered the bathroom after shedding all his heavy gear.

“I’ll only be a little longer then the shower is all yours all-right?” 

“I was thinking we can shower together.”

“With your hood on? Won’t it get all soggy?” 

You giggle at the thought of him naked except for his hood which is dripping wet and I would assume that would feel like being waterboarded.

“I will join you without it.”

You hear beats faster.

“König- you don’t have to. I mean if you're not ready.”

“I could not be more prepared. I almost lost you today and I want to share my whole being with you, if you would let me.”

“Of course.” 

You smile sweetly and you watch in the fogged glass of the shower door as he discards his clothes, his skin becoming more visible. His hood is last and you see a blurred version of him.

The shower door opens and he steps in, he hangs his head to get under the water, you step aside and admire him.

The way his short hair blends into his stubble, the eye paint bleeds down his face from the steam now. His lashes are dotted with water droplets and in here his eyes are ever bluer. His nose is sharp, broken and healed again so it’s slightly askew. A scar traces from his eyebrow into his hairline, another one kisses the top of his lip. He has lines on the outer corner of his eyes, and his forehead is scattered with a few as well. A marker of his life lived. 

Your eyes draw down and look him over completely as a whole now. 

“You’re gorgeous König.” 

You breathe it and your hands place themselves at his abdomen before drawing up to his shoulders then bringing his head down to yours, you kiss slowly under the water.

“Thank you liebling, I- I am happy to be able to share all of you with me. It is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.”

He kisses you softly and you smile, you shower together slowly.

He shampoos your hair and you do his, he has to lean down quite a bit and you laugh telling him you’ll need a shower stool if you are both to continue showing together.

You wash each other's bodies and take care in washing the gunpowder and using gentle hands over the blooming new bruises. 

He kisses your neck where the assailant left his mark, he holds you sweetly with the same hands he used to kill that man. 

Your fingers are pruney when you both leave the shower and stand side by side brushing your teeth, the view in the mirror being something you both want to see for a long long time. 

—

Tag List: @theredviolets , @saint-chlorine , @cndy-l0v3 

[akillerbeforeyou]

Anything.

(Kai Anderson x fem!reader)

Authors note: Heyy! This is my first time writing for Kai (and writing on Tumblr in general) so please feel free to tell me how you feel about it! It will be a two-parter (smut in the second part) because I'm lazy and didn't feel like writing more. Also, this is barely proofread.

Also! This fic is heavily inspired by a Kai bot from @fear-is-truth I wouldn't have had the motivation to start writing again if it wasn't for that bot so thank you!

Word count: around 1k

Content warning: implied sexual content, implied violence, that's pretty much it for now.

read part two here

It was my fault. I had fucked up, big time. 

From the very beginning, Kai had taken a liking to me. I've always been good at following rules to a tee with little to no hesitation. So naturally, I became one of Kai's favorites. When the role of his devoted girlfriend was first assigned to me, I assumed it was just that- a role to play- just another tactic to sway the voters in favor of him. I mean, who doesn't love a candidate with family-oriented values? it would be a way to humanize him and soften his image to the public. and who better to play the part than the one woman who had been willing to walk to the end of the world for him since the very get-go? Over time, I realized our relationship was more than just a facet of his public persona. I genuinely cared about him- and in his way, he felt the same. He would ask something of me, and I would do it. Never once since joining the cause did I feel threatened by him. Until now. 

I woke up confused, not remembering having laid down in the first place. As my vision cleared, I recognized the basement, dimly lit and empty. The grogginess I had originally woken up to started to fade as I looked down to find I had been completely tied down in the chair I was seated in. That's when I reminded myself of the previous 'mission' I had gone on with the rest of FIT where we had to retreat early to avoid getting caught after I had been the one to draw too much attention to the group. 

Fuck. Kai wasn't anywhere in sight, but I could feel his presence. I had been by his side since day one and I knew all too well how this would end. The sound of his footsteps broke the silence in the room, followed closely by his voice. 

"Now. What am I going to do with you?" I could feel his hot breath tickling the back of my neck as he leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Divine Ruler. I'm sorry. I really am." I did my best to get out full sentences but every few words I was interrupted by involuntary sniffles. "Good girls don't fail their leaders. I thought you'd learned that by now.." he paused, and I held my breath as I remembered the multiple occasions I had watched others being brutalized for mistakes smaller than the one I had just made. "You know I have to punish you, right? It wouldn't be right for you to get away with screwing up this big." he circled me as I bit my lip, trying to hold back tears and completely unable to respond. "Say something, little lamb." he paused before feigning concern "Aw, are you scared? is that it?" I looked up and nodded my head. "Well, you should be. I'm furious with you. and you know what I'm like when I'm furious at someone." my heart pounded in my chest as I scrambled to find the right words to say- if that was at all possible. "Please Kai-" I stop myself midway through using his name, knowing that will only further my punishment "-Divine Ruler, I'm so sorry I am. you know I would never purposely sabotage you, sir" I say as my lips tremble and hot tears begin to stream down my face. He leans in, impossibly close to me before continuing to speak. "How cute. Look at how much you're crying for me when I haven't even hurt you- yet." "Yet..?" I stutter watching a sadistic grin spread across his face. "That's right, little lamb. I haven't decided how I'm going to punish you yet, but there'll be a punishment, I can assure you that much." Another moment of silence as I try and think of some sort of response- to no avail, of course. "Perhaps it's time I really whipped you into shape, little lamb. Maybe then you'll learn how to behave properly like a good little girl would." His tone is cruel and sharp enough to cut glass. I inhaled deeply "Please- Divine Ruler don't you think there isn't any need for that" I looked up at him with doe eyes "I've never failed you before sir it won't happen again- don't I deserve to be let off with a warning" Normally, talking to Kai like this would be a sure-fire way to end up being thrown in a ditch- but I knew deep down he'd be somewhat more lenient with me than the others, considering our relationship. "Oh, you think you deserve to be let off with a warning? Why's that? Because you're my special little lamb, and you've been a good girl up until now?" he pauses with a light chuckle to himself "Well, I'm in a bad mood now, Y/N, so I don't really care what you deserve. I want to punish you, and no amount of pleading and weeping is going to change my mind." he said, with eyes as cold as ice and words as harsh as nails. "I've been such a good girl" I plead with both my tone as well as my eyes "Please baby, I love you" the second sentence I speak in a whisper, knowing Kai would either react extremely negatively to me calling him baby or extremely positively, but no in between. 

To anyone else, it would seem as if he did not react- but I could see his face soften as he soaked in my pleas. He would never admit it, but he liked it when I called him baby. And he liked it even more when I was begging and at his mercy. 

"Baby" my voice quivers as I look up at the man I adore- as well as fear. Kai's expression softens some more, and the cruelty in his eyes has almost completely faded.

"Again."

I take a deep breath of air and try my best to smile sweetly through the tears "Baby, every single thing I do is for you. for us. please" I watch as Kai's breathing becomes heavier. his mouth curls up into an almost predatory smile as he hears my words. "That was perfect," he says, caressing my cheek. I lean into his touch as his thumb circles over my cheekbone. His gaze remains locked on mine, filled with something seeming more like affection than hatred. He continues in a gentler tone "You are my good girl, aren't you?" 

"Of course I am. I would do anything for you." I watch as his grin returns, less sinister and a lot more warm. As fucked up and unhealthy as it was, there isn't anything that turns Kai on more than devotion. 

"Anything?"  

"Anything."

"Good girl," Kai says sweetly as if he had completely forgotten about his earlier anger

"You know what I want from you now, don't you, my little lamb?" I bite my lip, mascara stains my face "Just say the word, and I'll do whatever you want" "Hm... I could still punish you, couldn't I? You failed me when I needed you most.... you've got to atone for that somehow, don't you?" my stomach flips as he leans in even closer to me. "But... maybe I can forgive this time. I am feeling particularly generous today, after all. I've got a better idea."

"Thank you, divine ruler. you really are good to me. please tell me, what idea are you talking about sir" I ask in my softest tone, letting Kai take the rails. "Don't play dumb with me, sweetheart... you know very well what I'm talking about." he draws his hand even lower, moving it up my thigh, slowly inching upward. I throw my head back and hiss slightly as his hand trails up my thigh, a shock of pleasure courses through my body at the small contact he makes. "I'll do whatever you want. I live to serve you. Just please- untie me from the chair, baby" Kai takes a moment to think to himself before he begins unties to me. As the bonds are undone, I can feel the blood rush to my limbs once more, relief washing over me after what seemed like an eternity of suffering.

 "Good girl. Now... get on your knees."

Feel free to give me constructive criticism! I am also thinking of starting a taglist so let me know if you want to be tagged in part two/future fics. Thanks!

[vargaslovinghours]

Requestober 2023: Vargas Edition

The playlist has returned for this year! There will be a few in between, but it should be updating at least once a week on either Wednesday or Friday or both - keep an eye out for your req(s)!

I considered a couple different lines for day 1 - there are just so many Narrator lines that could work for Scriabin! Any of the many times where the Narrator is being sadistic, it all just works. Plus, it’s fun to imagine Scriabin trapping Edgar in the same way, just shoops a wall right into his path haha

But in the end I went for one of the tags I left myself on the original TSP/Vargas crossover doodles, it does still live in my head rent-free after all. You can see in the background that those “invisible” tears were intended from the beginning as well :3c

There’s also something funny to me about Scriabin using the word “rubbish” haha ♪ How posh

Edgar, as usual, getting blame for something that was definitely his Narrator, I mean Scriabin’s fault lol

I really wasn’t sure what to do with day 2 at first - I’m too scared to watch any of the SAWs, or look them up on YouTube >~< I tried finding transcripts with stage direction or people describing them in text online but I couldn’t really find anything, I really do appreciate my friend for telling me about one haha. Even with that though, I still had to do a lot of guesswork! Something about wrists, fear, not doing well - Scriabin is very cute hiding behind Edgar but it’s still not very obvious what the theme is, huh?

I was able to find a very brief animation of I think? the trap that had been described to me but even that was a bit much for me :’D I was a very wimp that day! I didn’t even have it in me to draw the trap itself in the sketch! There’s something a bit ominous about not being able to see into the trap completely, only the blood pooling at the bottom ♪ But I’m still happy I went with what I did in the end, though I did have to change Scriabin’s dialogue from fear to accusation - though that tracks for him haha

Day 3 was silly and therefore easy to whip up haha ♪ The angst is done, the blood is done, this leaves only kisses! Any opportunity to use my pencils to make kiss-marks, I will take lol. Clearly this is what the prompt was pointing at! Obviously! Lol

If you look, Jake’s lips are painted pink and Scriabin’s red, and they have each other’s lipstick marks on their faces lol - I am attention to detail when it comes to kisses ♪

I did still end up making an alt even after pretty much decided on the first one, it’s still fun to think about Scriabin interacting with Jake before he gets his own body ��� He’s so smug lol, at least they’re easy to cover! Ish! Mostly! Probably itch tho lol

Day 5, yaaay some Biblical Edgar <3 I have been out of practice drawing wings lately so they’re basically just Big Shapes here lol, it’s all about blocking out the space they’ll take for when it’s cleaned! I am quite happy with how he turned out digitally, his cute face ♥

Day 7 got a couple passes as well before settling! It’s a theme lol, though there were both kidverse! The prompt mentioned “brothers” but that doesn’t necessarily mean when they were kids - they can be silly and sibling-like even After, they have the range. Still, Edgar pushing him on the swing as a kid was a cute idea so I’m glad I at least scratched it down haha. Why’s he so heavy? He’s dense ♪

The alt was the winner tho! I love how much like a bug Scriabin looks here haha, how could he have possibly seen this coming??

Day 8′s sketch was done outside in the dark actually, stargazing very appropriate!  You can kinda see me go back and forth on their clothes in the moment lol, Edgar’s striped shirt visible on his upper arms underneath his long sleeves and I still ended up going with a scarf! I also planned to make their breath clouds but I forgot them in the end, that background took up a lot of my focus lol. Also how come Edgar’s feet turned out better here than in the final version >:P

Gaster! A warmup for Day 9 since it’s been a bit since I’ve drawn him, especially with the cracks in his face! Scriabin is annoying his offscreen so it still totally counts as being Vargas-themed lol

Their poses were a bit subdued initially so I knew I wanted to try again, but at the same time there are a lot of elements here that I liked! Especially their hands, Gaster holding his hands in fists at his sides rather than speaking to Scriabin through sign language, and Scriabin with his flourish-opened palm, inviting ♪

Actual pose skeletons lol, though Gaster’s was a bit top-heavy. It all worked out in the end at least :)

Day 11 was a very fun concept! Turning Scriabin into an Enderman was an especially fun idea if Edgar could figure/find out that he could hide from him using a pumpkin mask, though I’m sure that would make Scriabin mad as well once he found him haha. Just sneeaaak quietly behind him, he’ll never know! Also the pumpkin having Edgar’s glasses, goatee, and scars carved into it haha <3

All the same, I’m glad I went with what I did - Scriabin’s pose is so much more dynamic! Very fun! His hands and his legs, and the way his coat flares out! Plus putting his Ender teeth on display was a lot of fun haha ♪ Poor Edgar can’t catch a break no matter what world he’s in, at least I didn’t actually turn him into a sheep lol

Day 12, yaaaay I finally got to Uncle Jake! So nervous <3 Don’t break the baby, don’t hurt him don’t move too much ahhh! Haha, terribly cute ♥ I do still really love how confident Edgar is here - he’s usually so nervous around Jake, but oh how the tables! Dadgar with a support system <3 His FWB comes to say hi to his son, it’s very wholesome hehe ♪

Day 13 was actually drawn way of out of order, between several of the later days and even day 12 I think lol, it’s so hard to convince my brain to listen to new music haha. It was quite a lot of fun making the text not look like it’s “spoken,” outside of a text bubble hehe, I don’t do that too often! And of course still deeply inspired by his palette challenge, it is too pretty to not pull from every not and again <3

Honestly I initially had no ideas for day 14, and yet this was still the only sketch I ended up with! My earworm at the time came in clutch, honestly do listen to Everything In You it’s such pretty yearning starcrossed song ah <3 All these musical doodles haha ♪ Sweetness sweetness <3

And of course when they’re that close there has to be a kiss! Scriabin is surprised, but how much? :3c Edgar giving Scriabin kisses of his own accord 💖 That theme never really left me either hehe

Day 27, the last Vargas day! Had to get in one Snake Charmer before the end huh haha ♪ It’s too bad my Ladyverse!Naga idea was a bit too long or I would’ve done that, but I’ll never turn down the potential for pretty clothes! And spiders for that matter haha, I went with the Acanthoscurria Geniculata - Brazilian Whiteknee again :) As much as I love Scriabin as a Bold Jumper, tarantulas just have such gorgeous proportions! And of course, I always enjoy drawing Lady!Scriabin, so it was doubly fun to draw her as a spider :)

That’s all of this year’s Vargas sketches! A fun bunch! And it was fun to mix a few others in as well :D

[griseldabanks]

Okay, here goes. For my birthday I'd like 21 and 29 from Let Me Count the Ways, in one fic for Ed and Al in the foster family au. Make it angsty, but also lots of hugs please! (You know what I like.)

--Rain

Let Me Count the Ways ask game

Prompts: "I should have told you this a long time ago." and "It's not my fault."

Ed couldn't sleep. It was one of those warm, clear nights where the moon was full and so bright it lit up the room almost as bright as day, only with cool silvery light instead of the golden warmth of the sun. On nights like this back home, Mom would take them stargazing. She would point out all the constellations, and they would take turns looking through the telescope until Al was about to nod off, and then they'd go home and fall asleep over mugs of hot chocolate.

But now they lived in the suburbs. Roy and Riza were fast asleep, and it had probably never occurred to them to go stargazing, and you couldn't see many stars anyway because of the city lights.

A creak in the bed across the room made Ed roll over to look. Al sat on the edge of his bed, gazing out the open window with a wistful expression. The moonlight washed over his skin, turning it to ivory. He could have been a statue. The statue of a sad little boy whose mother would never take him stargazing again.

Ed sat up, drawing Al's attention. Sitting cross-legged on the edge of his bed and dangling his one foot over the edge, Ed said softly, “I miss it too. Looking at the stars.”

Hugging himself as if chilled by the warm breeze, Al looked mournfully across at him. It wouldn't be the same without Mom, his eyes said. He could always tell what Al meant to say, even though no sound passed his lips.

Ed swallowed hard. Al's grief was like a knife in his ribs, in a way harder to bear than his own. It wasn't fair that Al had to grow up like this. It wasn't fair that he had to live with foster parents instead of real ones. It wasn't fair that Ed had to interpret his words instead of listening to them.

The knife stabbed harder into his side. It had been there all along, ever since that awful day....

“Al...” he whispered. “There's...something I need to tell you. Something...I should've told you this a long time ago, but I was...I was scared, I guess, of what you might say.”

Al's brow furrowed and he tilted his head to one side in confusion.

Clearing his throat, Ed dropped his gaze to the floor, where the blinds made stripes of moonlight and shadow on the floorboards. He hesitated, heart hammering against his ribs. Then, just like the first time he'd jumped into the deep end of the pool, he took a deep breath and plunged in before he could lose his nerve.

“It's my fault Mom's dead.”

He didn't dare look up to see Al's expression, but he could easily hear the sharp intake of breath. “You didn't know where we were going that night, did you?”

He heard, more than saw, Al shake his head.

“We were going to meet...him.” Ed grimaced around the sour taste in his mouth at the hazy memory of their father. He only had one image of his father in his head: the day he walked out the door.

His hands curled into fists on his knees. “He'd been sending letters. For weeks. Asking Mom if he could see us. You know how it was always my job to go check the mailbox? Well, I saw his name, and so I...hid them. Each time one would come in, I wouldn't give it to Mom, I'd read it myself and then I'd hide it under my mattress. But I didn't think about him calling on the phone. So that night...you remember how she took that phone call into her room for like an hour, and then she came out and said we had to get in the car? That's why. Because she was taking us to see him.”

All he'd wanted was to protect Mom from that jerk who'd left them. He was a traitor to their family, so they shouldn't want anything to do with him. But Ed wasn't an idiot. He may have only been eleven, but he'd heard the way Mom would talk about him, the longing way she'd look at his photos in the hallway. If he ever showed his face around town again, Ed knew she'd go running to him in a heartbeat. And just end up heartbroken all over again.

“But...if I hadn't hidden the letters...if she'd been reading them all along...it wouldn't have been that night. They would've arranged a meeting some other time, when it wasn't raining, and then she wouldn't have been so...crying and distracted...and then it wouldn't...she wouldn't have....”

A warm arm around his shoulders brought him up short. He squeezed his eyes shut, and only when he felt tears dripping onto his knee did he realize he was crying.

He sat stiffly, not leaning into Al's embrace. He didn't deserve this sympathy. He didn't even deserve to cry. “It's...It's my fault,” he choked out. “It's my fault we're...like this.”

Al's hand covered his, but he said nothing. He never said anything. He was locked in a prison of silence, all because of his stupid, stupid brother....

“You should hate me,” he whispered. “I wouldn't blame you if you did.”

Al let go of his hand and cupped Ed's cheek, gently raising it so they could meet each other's gaze. Ed looked into his brother's eyes, turned silvery in the moonlight, and he knew what Al would have said if he could: I don't blame you, brother.

“Why not?” He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to bear the forgiveness and gentle understanding anymore. “Why don't you hate me?”

A warm forehead nudged gently against his. Keeping one hand pressed to Ed's cheek, Al reached for Ed's and pressed his palm against his own cheek. It was wet too now.

“I know,” Ed murmured. “We're all we've got. But...that's my fault too.”

Pulling back just enough to look each other in the eye again, Al shook him slightly. Suddenly, he was all steel and stubbornness, despite the tears still trailing down his cheeks. He stabbed a finger at Ed's chest and shook his head emphatically.

“What?” Ed frowned. “You're saying it's not my fault?”

Al nodded.

“You don't blame me because it's not my fault?”

Nod.

Ed looked away, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “That's nice, Al. But I don't believe it.”

A sudden punch in the shoulder brought his attention back to Al. The glare sent his way said louder than any words, You should. Because it's true.

Scrubbing his hands over his cheeks to wipe away the tears, Ed shook his head. “Yeah, that's what all the shrinks tell me. But what do they know?”

Al leapt to his feet and smacked a hand on his chest. I know. I was there. Then he marched over to his dresser and grabbed the framed photo sitting there between piles of library books and the little collection of rocks and feathers he'd begun to accumulate. He stomped back over to Ed and shoved the picture right in front of Ed's face.

Their mother beamed back at him, her arms around a much younger Ed and Al. They all looked so happy. So content.

Ed glanced up at his brother, who insistently shoved the picture into Ed's hands. He looked down at his mother's smiling face, and for the first time, he tried to imagine what she would say if she were here. If he'd actually gotten a chance to apologize for what he'd done.

No, Ed. Don't blame yourself. It wasn't anyone's fault. The road was slick, and neither of us saw what was happening until it was too late. I'm so sorry that you and Al were hurt. But most of all, I'm sorry that I'm not there to tell you in person.

Maybe it was because he'd gotten so used to interpreting Al's silences and facial expressions, but Ed almost thought he could hear his mother's voice. A drop of moisture fell onto the glass in the frame, right over her smiling face, quickly followed by another and another.

“She'd say...sh-she'd say...it's n-not my fault....”

Al sat down on the bed beside Ed again, and when Ed blinked the tears away, he nodded with a sad little smile. Encouraging him to say it again.

“It's not my fault....” Once he said the words and really, truly believed them, Ed couldn't seem to stop saying them. “It's not my fault...it's not my fault....”

Crawling into Ed's bed, Al tugged at Ed's sleeve until he slid under the covers as well. Together, they sat and looked at the picture of their mother, resting their heads against each other.

Sometimes, Ed broke the silence by whispering, “So you don't hate me?” or “You sure it's not my fault?” And each time, Al shook his head and dried his brother's tears with a corner of the sheet. Slowly, slowly, the words settled in his heart and began to sound true.

The next morning, when Riza came in to wake the boys for breakfast, she found them slumped against the headboard, heads resting against each other and hands tightly clasped. With a smile, Riza softly backed out of the room and let them sleep a little longer.

[kaycode1999]

hey!! Ik you’re probs a bit busy w these so no rush, but I’d like to request a match up for either mha or kny. My pronouns are she/her and I’m a female, either gender is fine by me!

For personality, Im have the ISFP type. I’m quite introverted, I hate speaking to strangers, or people in general. Crowds kinda scare me as well. I’m pretty shy and meeting new people is especially difficult for me. Im pretty funny (not my own words) and I love to draw, read, write, or anything with creativity tbh. I’m practically married to my Spotify, there’s barely any time you won’t see me without headphones. I get decent grades, but I do tend to get distracted very easily and I zone out a ton! I’m pretty outgoing once you get to know me, and I’m definitely a bit touch and attention starved. My aesthetic is sorta tomboyish ig. I’ve been told multiple times that I dress like I’m homeless lol. My favourite colour is navy blue.i hardly ever wear make up also, I’m just too lazy

I have shoulder length hair that’s sooo thick. It takes forever to brush and I can’t even shower properly w it. I like to dye my hair, and right now it’s purple at the ends with my natural roots (brown). My favourite season is fall just bc where I am we get stormy autumn’s, and I LOVE stormy weather. I usually go outside when it’s raining as well, I adore it.id definitely consider myself an insomniac as well, staying up to ungodly hours of the morning on the days before tests has proven that. It’s nonstop, I can’t remember a single night I went to bed before midnight. This means I also have hella dark under eyes 😭

thx for taking the time to look at this!

(also sry for the bad set up of the request, I rambled)

Demon Slayer/ Kimetsu no Yaiba

I match you with

Mitsuri Kanroji

Mitsuri can be nervous around crowds or people she doesn't know too, or at least she was. I know I saw either a fanart or a manga panel of her hiding in Rengoku’s haori somewhere and it was adorable. So she understands

I think she's gotten more comfortable and able to handle dealing with strangers better now, so she'll take the lead and keep the pressure off of you

She loves your humor and thinks you're hilarious

I think she's creative too, but of your interests she probably shares reading the most

She will give you all the affection you want😂 she's a sweetheart like that

She's not the kind to mind if you don't wear makeup or if dress “tomboyish” she just loves you for you

She'll love to help you take care of your hair, she knows a few things from taking care of her own long thick hair

She's has to stay up all night dealing with demons a lot herself, so she might be up to be there with you anyway

My Hero Academia

I match you with

Dabi/ Touya Todoroki

By nature he's pretty introverted and does not socialize…. Like at all

Your humor was surprising to him, as in he didn't really have anything to genuinely laugh about before you. Now he laughs all the time because of you. *its a small chuckle or maybe even a smirk/smile but a win is a win*

He's more destructive in nature, not creative, but I think over time your creativity rubs off on him

He's attention and affection starved too, unfortunately that means that at first he isn't used to it. But eventually you both get comfortable with each other and giving and receiving affection

He dresses a lot like you so win-win, you get to swap clothes

We've all seen the jokes about him being a hairstylist correct?😂 It would be in a different way than he normally does *through fire* but he would help you with your hair too. He really likes you're colorful hair

He likes rainy/stormy weather as well, so if you go out in it he will definitely join you

Does he ever sleep anyway?😭😭 He’ll more than likely be up along with you

But you guys can have your own special thing when that happens like playing cards or going for walks. Nice quality time

I truly believe Dabi could be good if given the love and affection he deserves so being with you just automatically makes him better

[nerves-nebula]

Are you ever you ever insecure about your art? And could you explain you answer to that?

Venting to you now

Drawing has taken a lot of effort for me, more than usual recently. I started working on something I originally felt really passionate about. It's more common for me to very quickly give up or get bored so I was really excited to be able to post some artwork. But I ended up not liking the result and I'm not sure if I'm willing to try something else. I've given up on trying in a lot of parts of life to try and save energy to do something I thought I was passionate about (art) but I am still lacking the motivation. The reason I reason I really wanted to share it was because I'm terrible with self-motivation. If I can't make at least one person genuinely go 'oh, neat' even for just a second and even if they soon forgot later, I'd feel like I'd have a reason to keep living (to keep making art). If the only people who'd see it end up disappointed I'd want to disappear.

It's not what art should be. I know it's value is like a person's. It's worth more than how someone reacts to it, right? But I can't apply that rule to myself. I should seek support from the people who 'know' and actually care about me, but I don't want their appreciation. I want some imagery status of a 'good artist' because that's what seems to give me dopamine.

I also wanted to mention how much I admire how open you are with your struggles. I want to be the same but I'm scared of people thinking less of me. I know that's dumb but I don't know what I'm good for if I can't make people happy. If I'm not going to be content with myself I want to not be a nuisance at least. I like to think that if I stopped caring about my impression on people, I'd be better off. But I'm scared that I'd have to learn to like myself. I don't like myself and I have no interest in liking myself. I don't see the point.

oh boy, this is gonna be a long one. also, don't take anything i say too seriously, i don't know your situation and I'm barely an adult. anyway, response under the cut

soo lately I'm less insecure about my art and more frustrated when things don't come out well. but i still post that shit !!! I'm still insecure if i'm doing, say, a project for homework, and i don't think i did as well as I could have, but in my personal artistic endeavors it's more about getting it done than it being perfect (for example, my webcomic! my motto is any comic made is better than no comic made and if people don't like that then it wasn't for them in the first place)

the thing about me is that drawing and art and stories is all i've ever had. it's my main form of interacting with the world. these days i make art the same way I live, which is to say in spite of wanting to kill myself. I would LIKE if my art was perfect, and i would LIKE to not be in pain. but i AM in pain and i have to live anyway, and my art ISN'T perfect but i'll make it anyway.

and i like when other people's art isn't perfect either, when it isnt super polished. I think that definitely helped. seeing artists whose work i fell head over heels for when it's never been more than sketches and a bit of shading. it really cemented in my mind that it isn't art being technically perfect that makes it worth while.

i've gotten a lot of people saying kind things to me, saying how much they enjoy my art and my blog in general. and though it doesn't always help, it sometimes inspires me to imagine the number of people who appreciate my stuff who might never mention it to me. I myself am used to lurking and not interacting very much (a habit I'm trying to change since I know artists & creators love feedback most of the time) i know it sucks to not know if anyone gives a shit for sure, but you really can't make that your only reason for doing art, cuz half the time you prolly wont even know if your art deeply affects people or not. it's fine to want that attention but you gotta have something else goin on too, at least I do.

i also know the fear of worrying that you'll lock yourself into something you don't want to do, or something you'll lose passion for. for me, I generally rotate a cast of characters & interests around for years a time before making significant progress. There were spans of times where I'd go years without thinking about loose stitches, but none of that time developing other stories & characters was wasted. it gave loose stitches enough time to properly cook, and the story is still developing under my hands as i draw it, influenced by my other stories and other characters.

it's ok to abandon something and pick it up again years later, or to never pick it up again at all. it's ok to hate the way something turns out but to keep making it anyway because you have to move forward (at least, I do)

moving forward despite not liking the original product is the only way to progress, I think. I don't super like a lot of the first pages of loose stitches but I'm still grateful that past-me posted them because that means present me is at page 76 !!

If I can't make at least one person genuinely go 'oh, neat' even for just a second and even if they soon forgot later, I'd feel like I'd have a reason to keep living (to keep making art). If the only people who'd see it end up disappointed I'd want to disappear.

the problem with this mindset (in my opinion) is that some people aren't going to like your art and that's got nothing to do with the art itself. if you want to find people who go "oh, neat" then you have to keep posting until they see it. trust me, they're out there. like, i don't post for people who can't stand the idea of child abuse, i post to FIND people who want to interact with stories about child abuse the same way i do.

it would be insane to stop trying to find those people because someone else was disappointed or upset by my art. which isn't to say you gotta lock yourself into doing one thing, but that you gotta post what you care about, and people who also care will find it. posting fandom stuff with the same themes as your original art certainly doesn't hurt either, if you REALLY want to find those people faster.

It's not what art should be. I know it's value is like a person's. It's worth more than how someone reacts to it, right? But I can't apply that rule to myself. I should seek support from the people who 'know' and actually care about me, but I don't want their appreciation. I want some imagery status of a 'good artist' because that's what seems to give me dopamine.

art should be literally whatever. it's worth is literally whatever you want, it can be a big deal or not. i'm not sure what part of being a "good artist" gives your brain the Good Feelings juice but I'd investigate that feeling more and try to figure out the roots of it, cuz then you might actually be able to figure out what it is that motivates you. approval is nice, yes, but i like approval for things i enjoyed making even more.

I also wanted to mention how much I admire how open you are with your struggles. I want to be the same but I'm scared of people thinking less of me. I know that's dumb but I don't know what I'm good for if I can't make people happy. If I'm not going to be content with myself I want to not be a nuisance at least. I like to think that if I stopped caring about my impression on people, I'd be better off. But I'm scared that I'd have to learn to like myself. I don't like myself and I have no interest in liking myself. I don't see the point.

i always find it amusing when people refer to my "struggles" if only because I don't really consider them that way. to me it's just like, a thing that happened that sucks. i don't consider myself "struggling" with it, even though I guess that's what's happening. also, let's be real here, it's not like I'm using my real name. this is an anonymous tumblr blog. though, my openess on here has actually lead to me making more art about it IRL so. eh.

anyway, lucky for you, you can stop caring about what other people think without necessarily liking yourself! for me, it's about spite (sort of). I don't like myself much more than I used to, I just decided I hated everyone else more haha. I still care what people think about me, and I'm still scared of what people might do to me, but I'm also not bending over backwards to please people i dislike. I just get annoyed at them instead.

i did this basically just by repeating it until it became true, lol. there's only so many times you can petulantly say "well fuck those guys anyway they suck" before it becomes your true first reaction.

at some point, i decided i needed to pick and choose who i wanted to please, because it can't be everyone. that's just literally not possible. so i looked at the kinds of people i liked and appreciated, and basically disregarded everyone else. it's the whole "don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from" thing (not sure where that comes from)

obviously you should probably try to internalize the idea that you even HAVE to be "good for something" but that's way easier said than done. i find it more useful to devote yourself to finding a few things (causes, people, philosophies, niche interests) instead of just general usefulness. because then you can form stronger relationships, be useful, AND not burn yourself out trying to please everyone.

take all this advice with a grain of salt though, I definitely need therapy and this Bitter Angry Defensive persona will probably need to be deconstructed soon... idk. i think it's outlived its usefulness to me but i'm not sure what to do next hahah.

sorry if none of this was helpful or the point. im not even sure why i wrote this much, i kind of just ramble sometimes. i hope you figure it out!

[fangirlanxiety74]

Hrmmm…,,.,,, now what do I think of yooouu….,,,..

Well… okay.

When I first started on Tumblr, I had… no real confidence in my art. I was doing it for fun, but… I also never much liked what I produced. So, when I started garnering attention and people started especially noticing my work, it was… scary. Overwhelming. Exciting, of course, but… it was a lot for a 14ish y/o to deal with.

Then I got into IHNM and… wowzers. Suddenly there was this thing that I could just stick to. Enjoy and draw for with no real thought behind it. I had this sudden burst of “I want to create!!!! I want to join people and have fun and be silly and not think about if my art has to be good or not!!” And… man. Out of the blue I was just having raw fun with something.

But… still. As much fun as I was having, I was so scared to… share that enjoyment. Let people see my silly AUs and hear me ramble about my OCs. But, again!! People liked it!!! People who I thought were really cool were actually giving my silly stuff attention.

And this username kept popping up- on every reblog with tags that made me laugh, or smile, or just feel genuine honor- there was the same name. Ofc, it was yours.

Then I joined the Belly of AM Discord, and!!! Oh my god, people knew who I was there!!!! I’d chatted with a few through tumblr, sure, but for those people to welcome me into their little group with name alone? Ahhh!!!!

And, especially, there was you. You listened to all my rambles, replied to me in chats, talked to me through VC, stumbled through my insane texts and just… you were just always there.

And then you put out a hand, and started reaching to be present, out of fandom. Out of reality.

Thank you for being a friend. For being so encouraging, and kind, and welcoming, and- human, really.

I was in a dark place when I first started speaking to you on a more personal level- had been for a while, and… kinda still am. But you, and everyone I’ve met through Tumblr and Discord, have aided me in achieving a much healthier mindset.

I don’t know where I’d be without a friend like you. I don’t know where I’d be with people like you. And it all sounds weird to say, but!! man… I’m really glad I get to be part of your day-to-day. You’ve brought me to a place I didn’t think I’d be- both from just being yourself, and from you lifting me up.

Thank you for being my friend. Really. I hope, whatever future lies ahead, is one where you’re happy. I know it, actually. Someone like you gets a happy ending.

-Beento

I-

*sigh* Okay.

Honestly? I did not expect us to have close friends. I really did, genuinely, want to befriend you but I'm shy about these things, so the best I could do was just, let you know I loved your artwork and OCs through tags and replies and whatnot!!! And I was perfectly cool with it. I loved your art, and your AUs, and this creative energy you had going on and it helped me get out of my funk I had been stuck in for ages where I wasn't writing or drawing or doing anything. Because, I wanted to have the same courage you had to put myself out there!!!

And then you joined the discord, and I got super excited, because "Oh!!! I know this person!!! We're mutuals, and we get along, and now I get to see more of their content and I get to learn more about them!!!"

And I did, and it was great!!! And then we started rping together, and talking about OCs with each other, and it just kinda blossomed and I got to see *you* blossom into this super amazing person that really had an impact on my life, even if it doesn't seem like it first glance!!! Like, man, I'm so so so happy to have gotten to meet you.

And then when we started actually, opening up to each other, and talking on vc and whatnot? I felt like. Honored, ig? That you wanted to in the first place??? That you LIKED and CARED for my OCs, and even more, cared for ME??? As much as I care for you, even!!!

I meant what I said. I'm so proud of you. Of all the things you've had to face, and the things you're facing now, and the things you'll face eventually; I'm proud of you for doing it! For making it out! For still, being here, existing, making my life and the lives of everyone else better, and for you choosing to make yourself better, even if it's hard to do right now!!! You're literally so incredible, I cannot stress that enough. And I'm really honored that you allow me to be there to support you and cheer you on while you go and do incredible things!!! For letting me be a part of your life.

I feel like I could go on about this but I'd just, be rambling on in circles. But like, bottom line:

Thank you. And I care about you, immensely. And I really do wish you the best in everything you do.

And never forget where it all started: Me feeling very strongly about Benny telling AM about the FNAF lore.

It's crazy what FNAF can do to bring people together /hj

[iamvegorott]

Meeting A Magical Man Pt. 20

Part 1: Link Prev: Link Next: Link

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Marvin finished making his tea and some tea for Chase and Henrik as well before sitting at the table with them. He took a deep inhale of the tea’s steam and then sighed.

“If we’re doing this, I want to set up a system.” 

“A system?” Chase asked. 

“Let me guess, one question at a time?” Henrik didn’t sound surprised by this at all. 

“Yep. We take turns asking one person one question, and follow-up questions are done by the next person or until your turn again.” Marvin wanted just a little control of this. He was still willing to let any question be asked, but having that little hold of something helped keep him from feeling like the world was spinning. He didn’t like to talk about serious things. He was never scared of questions, always more than happy to explain something to others. Jackie knew about magic users before Phantom because of him, because Jackie would ask how something worked, and he was happy to answer. 

But this was different.

This was so different. 

“Do we want to like, draw sticks for who goes when?” Chase suggested. 

“I’ll go first. Why did you make out with Wilford?” Marvin said, looking right at Chase. Henrik was unprepared for that and started choking on his tea a bit, coughing into the crook of his elbow. 

“I don’t feel like that’s top priority right now.” Chase’s protest had a bit of red on his face. 

“We all have plenty of questions, and I’m asking my first one,” Marvin said. “Why did you make out with Wilford and yes, it’s the same Wilford you’re thinking of.” He added the last part toward Henrik. 

“We met after me and Stacy split, and I was figuring out my sexuality, and he offered to…give me a hand in that. Just a friend helping me out, that’s all.” Chase’s face got redder and redder the more he spoke. He was clearly very flustered and not expecting to be discussing this. “My turn for a question.” Chase turned himself to Marvin. “How did you end up working for Dark? Phantom said he got involved to help Jackie. What about you?” 

“I knew this would come up.” Marvin sighed. He removed his mask and set it down on the table. “When my powers came to be, they quite literally blew up in my face. I had no control, it was too much, and I was a danger to myself and those around me. Thankfully, I had already moved into my own place by then, so It only got to me and some belongings.”

“Didn’t you say that-”

“One question at a time.” Marvin cut off Chase’s comment with his reminder. 

“Sorry.” Chase deflated a little.

“Oh, darling.” Marvin placed a hand on Chase’s leg under the table. “I promise it’s just a me thing. You’re fine.” 

“Okay.” Chase softly smiled.

“And how I got involved with Dark was that he heard about the mess, knew what caused it, found me, and offered to help from something bad like that from happening again. I was his first contract hire.” 

“My turn to question,” Henrik said. “What did Dark want?”

“He wants me to do one more job for him.” Marvin gestured to the folder. “He says if I find and bring him this ‘new apprentice’ I’m officially freed from my contract.” He could tell that Henrik had more questions by his eyes alone, so he quickly asked one. “How much does Robbie know? He went from five to fifteen in a night. I don’t know if he’d be caught up on what all a teen knows.” 

“From what little I have gathered, he seems to be as fully developed as anyone his age would be. He understands culture, he has knowledge, I still have to test how much knowledge he has to see if he is advanced in anything or not. To be honest, his personality reminds me a lot of how we were back then. Again, I will need more time to see how true that is. Most teenagers have some form of sass.” 

“Do you think the magic stuff you used has to do with it?” Chase asked. “Ah shit, that was my question, and I wanted to ask something else. Fuck it. I’ll ask it next time.” 

“The magic stuff…” Henrik didn’t pay attention to the latter half of Chase’s talking as his brain started turning. “I gathered magic from my home and office to bring Robbie back to life. Myself, both of you and Edward are the most common in those places. Well, Edward in my office.” 

“Could be your bed if you-”

“Do not.” Henrik stopped Marvin short. “As I was saying. From what you have explained to me before, magic is personal, it attaches to the person uniquely and can even affect those without magic if they are around it for so long. Perhaps we added to the influence of the magic as well and gave our knowledge, or at least a chunk of it, to Robbie, so he is already knowledgeable on things despite never being taught it.” He hummed to himself. “That is something I will be looking more into.” After a pause, he nodded and looked at Marvin. “You said a new apprentice. Whose apprentice is it? Is it…you know?” 

“Nope, don’t you do any ‘he who shall not be named’,” Chase said. 

“Is it Actor?” Henrik changed his question. 

“I haven’t read anything yet, but with how Dark was talking. I wouldn’t be shocked if it was Actor.” Marvin peeked over and could see Chase literally biting his tongue. “Would you like help shopping for Robbie's clothes tomorrow?” 

“Oh…sure?” Henrik said with a shrug. 

“Who the fuck is Actor?” Chase slapped both hands down on the table, speaking his words quickly. 

“He was Dark’s mentor,” Marvin said. “Taught him almost everything he knows, and because of some…drama behind the scenes, they fucking hate each other. He has his own little group like Dark does. I’ve only met one of them before, and for the life of me, I can’t remember his name.” 

“This does not sound safe in any form,” Henrik said. “Actor is not one you should mess with on your own, but I do not want to know what would happen if he finds someone who could be potentially more powerful than you. I may not know much about that man, but from what I have been told…I do not like any of this.” 

“I don’t think I have a choice, Hen. Regardless of anything, I want to find this person. Who knows what Actor is doing or what Dark would do?” 

“I want to help in any way that I can.” Henrik sighed. “Chase, did you have any other questions? I believe there was one you wanted to ask earlier, but it got skipped over.” 

“Go for it,” Marvin said when Chase hesitated since it wasn’t technically his turn. “We’re done with the one-question-at-a-time thing.” 

“You said you were doing magic since you were a kid, but your powers kicked in when you were an adult?” Chase asked. 

“The magic I did when I was a child were those tricks you can learn online, and I was seventeen when I first discovered my real powers. I was on my own because my father kicked me out, and my mother couldn’t convince either of us to have me stay. And I would like to end that conversation there.” Marvin stood up, picking up his now cold tea. 

“Remember when this was about making a potion for me to sleep?” Chase asked with a weak chuckle. 

“Right, I do finally have everything for that. I’ll work on putting that together so you can give it the first test run tonight.” Marvin put his mug into the microwave. He didn’t like warming up his drinks like this, but he wasn’t in the mood for cold tea or to do anything else to warm it up. What little energy and will to do things for the day he had left he was going to save for making the potion. 

“Are you going to read the folder?” Henrik asked. 

“In the morning. I need a break from that.” Marvin watched the mug spin, eyes half-closed as he could hear the soft humming of the machine. 

“We can do Robbie's clothes shopping in the afternoon tomorrow?” Chase suggested. “Not a whole wardrobe, but a few shirts and pants, so he’s comfortable until the next growth spurt.” 

“You think there will be another?” Henrik sipped on his tea, not minding that it was cold. 

“I wouldn’t be shocked.” 

“Maybe he’ll get as old as us since you mentioned us influencing your place and my magic. Maybe he’ll get as old as I was when I first started putting magic in this place. Wasn’t I twenty-one or something when you got this house?” Marvin glanced over at Henrik. 

“Twenty-one. I only recall because we had my housewarming and your birthday party on the same night, and it was…interesting.” Henrik clicked his tongue at the memory.

“The word you’re looking for is ‘fun’. That night was amazing.” 

“I am shocked you can remember it.” 

“I didn’t get that…you know what, fair.” Marvin laughed. “Maybe when we get all this shit done, we can have another rager like that. Chase can be one of the strippers~” 

“You had strippers?” Chase snorted a little, the comment not hitting him the way Marvin had wanted it to. “I can’t imagine Henrik and strippers in the same place.”

“He had a blast with them, baby. Oh! We can invite Edward to be one, too.” 

“Do not dare!” 

“Now, I have to.” 

“Do not!” 

“You’re blushing, Hen.” Chase poked his own nose with his chuckle. 

“You are both terrible!” 

----------

Tags: @brokentimewatch @bookwormscififan @d-structive @rainymae523 @ashtonisvibing

[candy-cannibal]

I can't do much since my mom has restrictions and locked my phone to stop me from talkig to anyone but I have my tablet. I don't have proof but I can tell you this happened and friends and family can support me. My legal name is Gabrielle tapper and my mother Anne Louis has been hitting me as discipline. So has my grandmother. I have been hit by my grandmother as a child causing me to hate her but currently my memories are blurry. I do have clear visions of her httig my with a belt and yelling at me. Whenever I did something wrong like not wash the dishes or talk back she would hit me on the shoulder. My mother on the other hand was always working but hit me too. She would use the belt as well. I have several clear memories. One of them I lost an earring back and lied to my mom about what happened too it. She hit me on the hand repeatedly and yelled at me when I cried. Last year I had spammed emojis in a shared chat with my schoolmates and got reported. I lied about it in fear and my mom hit me. I yelled at her to stop and eventually it got so bad that my grandmother told her to stop because she'd get a heart attack and someone might hear her. Another time I was coming back from school and started crying. I was on my bed with my hands up yelling and crying for my mother to not hit me and she calmly told me too not yell. I continued to cry and she simply repeated and did not comfort me. she stared at me like an animal before getting mad and grabbing a belt. She proceeded to push me onto the ground and whoop me. After she had me kneel and apologized instead I refused. I told her she was abusing me and hitting me was wrong. She laughed and yelled at me saying it was discipline and that I was being a bad child. I yelled at her too kill me and she said do it yourself then left the house with my brother. I had tried to commit but my grandmother took it from me said I was trying to hurt y mother than hid the knives for a month and told her friends I was a bad child. She did not tell my mother. This year my mom found out I was suicidal and called me selfish and said kids who commit suicide are sinners and don't think about their family. She is a healthcare worker. She has repeatedly told me that when she hits me it's because I deserve it and my brother and grandmother come too her side making me question if I am a bad child. A month ago my teacher filed a report and she sat me down and said that she does not use the belt as a weapon and that she doesn't know what to do with me. I grandmother repeats the I hate her and hat I'm gonna end up killing my motherfrom a heart attack from being so rebellious. Today I had to go to church. I do not like church. I'm an a atheist and the church is loud and has smoke that make me cough. I refused to go and started to cry and refuse to go. Many people tried to get me too go but I could not bring myself to do it. I felt worthless and like a child. We did not go but my mother was called. She told me that she didn't care about my crying and hat I would have consequences for doing this. That my behaviour was unacceptable and that I said I wanted to be talked to and not hit. Apparently this was my chance but I was ruining it. I am scared because she locked my phone. I can't contact anyone else as that's the only personal phone and the house phone would draw attention. I don't want her to hit me. I used to feel guilty about these feelings but i can't live like this anymore. I was going to kill myself but after realizing that a friend would hurt themselves too I couldn't bring myself too do it so I'm contacting you guys now. Please send help my address is Massachusetts Brockton 118 Emory Street. Sendthe police workers anything. I don't want me or my brotherto be hurt anymore.

[whitneys-puppyslut]

Finch (Robin's PC)

18+ / minors DNI

Hi guys. Thanks for the support on my first two drabble thingies. And welcome to my blog, since I haven't said that yet.

I'm gonna start a little series where I show off my personal PCs I use when romancing different characters in DOL. I made them all in the sims since I'm not confident in my drawing skills... so their actual in my head designs are a little different than the screenshots you'll see here. And of course, the actual sprites in DOL differ quite a bit as well. But y'know it's just so you guys get a sense of the character.

I might also put all of them into a world in the sims with their love interests and see what happens lol.

Anyway, without further ado, here's Robin's PC: also known as Finch!

Headcanons under the cut

Finch the Bodyguard

Get it? because robin is a type of bird and a finch is also....... yeah I'll see myself out

she/her pronouns

bisexual

Finch isn't her real name. But nobody knows her real name, not even Robin or any the teachers...

Leighton knows, and Bailey knows. But that's about it.

Finch erm... "persuaded" Leighton to change her name on school documents.

She's not above using sex to get what she wants... i mean in this fucked up city you do what you gotta do.

She prefers not to have to resort to that though.

Most things do go her way, after all she's smart, attractive, popular....... and intimidating........

Yeah she is BUFF in case you can't tell. She loves building muscle and working out... but mainly she's like that out of necessity.

I mean it helps to be able to fend off attackers and pursuers.

Or simply scare them off before they even lay their hands on her!

She has scary dog energy

Whitney knows to stay out of her way.

Bc the one time he did stop her in the hallway and tried to put his hands on her... did not end well for him.

EVERYONE recorded that fight. It's not everyday you get to see Whitney get pummeled into the ground...

And then he SCRAMBLED to get those videos taken down....

It's okay tho Finch actually made a truce with him and helped him threaten persuade everyone to delete the videos.

As long as he promised to keep his and his friends' hands off of her loved ones.

So yeah they don't interact with each other now but they both know the terms and conditions of their little truce

Robin & Finch <3

So how did Robin get the hot goth baddie?

Well as per the plot of DOL they grew up together and were friends and he looked up to her and yada yada

They were pretty much acting like lovebirds way before they actually made it official

And their situationship was fine as it was, for a while... but Finch really feels like she needs to devote herself to people entirely. And she felt bad having her attention pulled away from Robin, her best friend since forever, by other friends and especially other potential love interests.

So she was like fuck it and, in the privacy of Robin's room one night, while he was playing video games, they made it official

It was all sappy and shit <333

She DEDICATED herself to him

She's a great gf honestly

Neither of them are very fond of PDA, and Finch is very stoic and rather serious irl, and she feels like she needs to keep up her intimidating persona

so they keep the lovey-dovey shit behind closed doors

i love them they're so cute

her other little "title" alongside "the bodyguard" is "robin's protector" bc that's basically what she is. She doesn't let any harm come to him as long as she's there.

She even pays Bailey's rent for him. So yeah she juggles like a million jobs trying to afford that

But she tries to find jobs that are safe that robin could do, bc honestly that lemonade stand... isn't helping much.

Unfortunately all the higher paying jobs come with a lot of risk. Risk she's not willing to put Robin through.

She feels very protective over him, not in a weird way but genuinely she hates seeing him hurt, but it's gotten to the point where she feels like he can't go anywhere and do anything.

It's putting quite a damper on his confidence levels.

And she's noticed.

But what can she do other than try to protect the love of her life?

And when it gets to the point where she has to choose between a confident robin, or a safe robin, what will she choose?

Is it even up to her?

Wow sry guys that was a lot. Also as much as I love DOL I don't actually play that much so I might get some details wrong or miss big plot things that I just haven't seen so... yeah.

Ok bye lol

[worldscollidinginone]

Chapter 6 - Is This It?

Book master list

We then reached his house. He, again, then took me into his arms and I felt all mushy. The door of his apartment was open, and there was no trace of Aman's mother. He took me to his bedroom and this time he laid me to his bed very slowly, as if he wanted to savour that moment, and not for once he broke eye contact with me. 

I was getting scared. 

I started panting. Is this really going to happen now? 

He started kissing the back of my neck getting towards the shoulders. I moaned. At that moment I realized that I was in love with him. I just wanted him to be mine. Forever.  

He started playing with my hair and I felt so happy, for once. I looked at him. It seemed like the era of pain was coming to an end, because Aman is now with me. I leaned towards him and started kissing him passionately. I was crying, because, for the first time in my life, I was happy. He reciprocated. While kissing him, we rolled on the bed and I fell on him, and then we both started laughing. 

When we managed to breathe properly and check that no bones were broken or fractured, he said: "I love you, Priya. I love you very much. I don't know what would be life without you. There have been so many moments when I wanted to kiss you so badly that I cannot tell you. I wanted to hug you, I wanted to make you mine. But I stopped myself thinking that you would never love me. You are going to think this is a complete façade. You'll think that I am a brat who plays with people's hearts. Because you heard about the relationship I had with Cecilia." 

I started crying. I saw that Aman was also crying as well. I was so happy and sad that day.  

Happy because Aman told me he was in love with me and sad because he thought that I may be thinking this is a lie. Of course, I knew the relationship he had with Cecilia.  

She was a new girl that came from America. She was a girl that only wanted boys' attention so she can sleep with them. She was trouble. At that point, Aman was going through a rough patch in his life and Cecilia became his support, or so everyone thought. In actuality, she only wanted to be with him, so that others would get jealous of her, and she could manipulate him to do all kinds of things. Eventually, he found out that she was cheating on him, and he broke up with her.  

I replied: "Aman, who told you that I won't believe you? I have always trusted you, from day 1. If you were being a pain, I would have never come close to you. And I would have probably broken your nose." 

We both smiled and remembered the day when I broke Karan's nose. 

I asked him while touching his cheek and cupping his face: "Don't you want to know what will be my reply?" 

"I am too scared to hear it." 

I looked at him shyly and then kissed his right cheek. My lips were caressing his face while moving from his cheek to near his ear. I then told him: "I love you. I love you, Aman. I love you more than anything else in this world." 

He lit up as if he regained his life and then started to kiss me reverently and hugged me really tight. I was responding and was laughing as well. 

"You don't know how happy you've made me, Priya!!!" 

I wanted to know whose drawings he had made, so I started diverting his attention to the drawings. "Waise Aman, tumhare dressing table ke peeche kuch drawings hai. Kya mein dekh sakti hoon?" 

He looked quite shy and said: "Tumhari aakhon se kuch chukta nahin hai, ha?" He kissed me one last time and then he got up from me. He was lying on top of me all time. He then took out all the drawings and I realized they were all drawings of me. Me talking to my friends, me standing on the balcony looking at God knows what. Me trying to do some homework in my room. Me playing with Nikhil. There were so many, that I lost count of them. 

I said: "They are all very beautiful." They all looked like photographs, except they were more artistic. 

He replied: "Well, the muse I used was so beautiful that I had to match up to her beauty." I started blushing and he then came close to me and started kissing me again. I had to make him stop kissing me otherwise he wouldn't leave me. Aman then dropped me off at my dorm building and said: 

"I don't want to let you go. Stay with me, please?" 

"Aman, hum kal milne wale hai, na? And come on, you are a good boy." I then kissed his cheek, but he turned around and I ended up kissing his lips. And he was kissing me so passionately that I might have fainted if I wasn't hugging him. 

"I have to go, Aman." 

He then flew a kiss in the air, and I caught it, and put it in my heart and gave a flying kiss to him and he caught it and he smiled. 

He then dropped me off at my place, kissed my lips, and drove off to his place and I went into my dorm room, smiling like crazy.

Go To Chapter 7

[thisgoldendream]

This will be a difficult post. I never was a “big” blog by any means, and following my hiatus for nearly two years, the number of people who will see this is limited. My blog was highly niche after all. I also never wanted pity or to stir the pot. And I’ve always been scared of what kind of attention it’d draw.

But I feel this might be… necessary catharsis. There was a main reason, and some others I decided to do this.  I need to say why.

Apologies in advance for incoherence, and just how stupid it sounds... I do not profess myself a writer nor the best with words. It will be rambling. But I’ll try to explain the best I can because I finally need to.

I’ve had drafts about a particular vile situation sitting by that I hesitated to say anything on, since I’ve found keeping silent and pretending everything is okay and remaining unperturbed is what is typically the best course of action when dealing with trolls. And I’d rather settle things privately. Which I tried. Several times to no avail. But … silence only benefits abusers.

The primary reason is a situation that has been, mindbogglingly, having gone on for six years. All identifying information will be redacted. Many of the blogs do not exist anymore. I’ve also archived quite a bit so if this individual does cause me more strife, I will no longer have any mercy.

Many years ago there was an acquaintance—all they deserve to be called--I encountered on this site who’d message me. They’d be active on tumblr all day, and get a lot of anons flooding the dash, and once I saw them getting harassed by one and defended them. Thing is, after that I started to receive such messages from a mysterious anon and they’d complain about getting them on discord -right after- I’d get the message so it was obvious they were the perpetrator. Easy solution was to block the anon. (Those messages...somehow led to some other individual dogpiling me, but I’ll focus on the primary can of worms). Their dms were… odd and sent a lot of unsolicited fics and bragging about real life milestones that they’d end up contradicting months later. I and others who were exposed to it chalked it up to them being harmless and maybe lonely. Some of it was a bit amusing.

Eventually their many lies and penchant for drama led them to be banned from a discord and I blocked them on this site. One would hope most people take a hint at that and leave well enough alone and move on.

Not this person. Despite seemingly moving onto other things, they… keep coming back. With sock puppet after sock puppet after sock puppet.

In 2018 I noticed a blog re-blogging one of my gifs with a name that sounded vaguely familiar; it was one of this person’s many, many RP blogs. A musical-focused one. This was after I had translated Toma’s route in Library Cross and they were doing their typical talk to themselves on anon thing—having apparently watched my translation they acted like they played it, and apparently didn’t get the actual gist of what happened in the route or what the game was even like, which frustrated me. I messaged them correcting them and asked them to stop and they deleted the post and left a guilt trip message about “going through a hard time,” a pattern they always continue with when caught. To illicit pity and make the victim feel bad for them.

But what really sickened me was an “OC” of theirs I saw, using the same name I go by—Erika--that looked horrifically just like the picture I once foolishly posted in a discord they had been in, and well. It made me sick. I don’t know what to call it except pseudo skin walking and obscenely creepy.

Needless to say it greatly demotivated me from posting translations, scans, and other such things I really enjoyed sharing.

Now I confided in only two people who knew full extent of what this person’s about. But this was beyond that. I blocked just about any adjacent account of theirs I could find – discovering just how many sock puppets and fake identities they had – their disturbing preoccupation with pregnancy often a tell and hoped that’d be the end of it after privately calling them out.

For my own peace of mind I started using analytics on my blog to try to identify when this particular person and this person alone might show up; observe a pattern. I once again naively thought they’d get the hint and that all the blocks would work. In time, I pretty much narrowed down who they were. And they weren’t from the country they say they’re from, surprise to no one.

A good opportunity came about in 2020 when I was encouraged to join an otome translation group … something I’d thought about but was too timid to do, and just worried because of the previous treatment and attitudes towards characters I like on here; the more “problematic” ones lol. The rules were to work on the project you were once a week and I could be involved with Otome and enjoy playing Amnesia World alongside while translating lines. It was a win-win in a way, even if I wasn’t active on my blog.

In 2021 I saw suspicious IPs once again on my blog… and lo and behold saw some blank blog follow me which I sadly grew dubious of because of that person’s endless sock puppets. I snapped and messaged them to leave me alone once again and they denied it and once again said “they were going through a hard time,” and rambled about how they were “healing,” and said they wouldn’t bother me again.

Natural a lying liar lies, and they came back in the summer as the analytics warned me. I set my blog to login only and hid it from search engines and blocked any blank blogs that tried to follow.

I rarely logged back in on tumblr until fall of 2022, and I saw much to my happiness … some people still were liking some of my old stuff so I thought of keeping it around as a warehouse of sorts or if I ever felt like posting again.

But in early February… the same documented IPs from 2021 were on my page. Again. I blocked a blank blog, set it to private, and the next day a new one followed me again. With a similar title to my own this time? Yeah, I’ve had enough.

I’m not this person’s only victim. They infect and repeatedly act like this in just about every fandom they’ve moved onto. But I only feel comfortable telling my story.

I wised up and have kept many, many receipts and archives beyond what I have here. You’ve hurt a lot of people. And to that individual, now that I have nothing to lose and you can’t steal my content any more. If you do interact with this, you will be revealing yourself--because I will dump all I have. I was kind enough to not post identifying info but I will not be any longer. None of this is tagged with anything identifying or relevant to fandoms, either. So if you interact or come back, I will no longer have lenience...you deserve none.

My final say on this is, since it’s obvious there’s mental illness involved, I feel it’s imperative I state that I have much empathy for people struggling with mental illness. I have my own turbulent struggles with anxiety and depression. It isn’t fun. There are probably very few who DON’T struggle.

However, I draw the line malignant people who use it as a shield to excuse their harmful actions, then try to manipulate their victims.

In the sincerest way possible, go outside and get actual help.

I’ve gone to therapy to try to overcome my struggles and social anxiety. The most powerful thing I was told that my past of bullying haunted me like a shadow and to go forth with my head held high and be myself. But this affair...sadly taught me some people are out to get you.

Also... to anyone who read this, this is very, very abnormal behavior and not likely to happen to you.

Typing all this, trying to explain it...hurt my brain. I can’t even make sense of it.

---

Beyond… freeing myself from the aforementioned situation, there were other reasons I just don’t feel like continuing anymore.

Fall of 2020 and into 2021 was an incredibly hard time personally for me. I went through three really difficult losses. I haven’t really felt like the same person since. Despite therapy and grief groups...it really doesn’t feel like something you can talk about. Because from my experience, confiding in people about the trauma... reminded them of their own personal struggles. It’s been a very lonely road.

And fandom now… I just feel I don’t belong in it. At least, in the west… since I was young I always found solace in my nerdy hobbies and chiefly viewed it as entertainment. Not something to strive for in reality. When I was a kid, “don’t do what you see on TV” was common sense. “Videogames make people violent” was baseless fear-mongering. Articles in gaming magazines about Christians decrying Pokémon as satanic and churches in the south destroying merch. Ridiculous. But it seems now—especially born from this site, it seems we’ve come full circle. “If you like villains you support it IRL,” this sort of sentiment seems so widespread… and the same meme and meme format posted over, and over again, recycled and reused, from fandom to fandom, same premise. And the energy people put onto things they dislike versus what they actually love is something I’ll never understand.

This platform is very good for hosting all forms of media, much better than twitter for longhand writers and translations. But ...I despise it, how its staff ignores countless abuse reports, lets malefactors do whatever they want, and get away with it. Twitter has its own massive host of problems, but at least the phone number authentication and account lockouts slow it some.

In the past, I loved fandom for transformative works. People creating beautiful arts, writings, and ideas.  The more ideas and diverse, the better. Not the same opinion ...or headcanon spread as fact to the point it’s accepted as canon, over and over again. And when people are afraid to create things for fear of being harassed or having something other than the “popular” fandom opinion, it becomes a stagnant echo chamber.

And although I found translating for the otome group was nice…I noticed from the spreadsheet I was the only one signing in and working on it for over a year when I was on the project. And once the related project ended up being canceled due to localization, I asked what about the one I was working on… and received no reply. From anyone. I gave it two weeks. Nothing. Being ignored like that… stung. I never felt like I was terribly welcome and that confirmed it.

I’m tired. I’ll probably always enjoy otome, but I think from now on… I’ll do it quietly and on my own. Without judgment for liking the “wrong” fictional pixel men. Because that’s what it is. I just find it so...trite. I’m tired of being walked all over, I’m tired of being afraid what to say, and I know every time an empty blog followed being yet another one of that person’s alts was no way to go. That’s on me. I feel guilty for any innocents I blocked in the process suspecting it was that person... but it messed me up.

If there wasn’t a space for what I liked, I wanted to carve out one—but I don’t have that energy anymore. Provide something for other fans if they liked it. share what I love and have fun. Have some camaraderie…I truly enjoyed that. And especially to those I could call friends sand ramble with in dms without fear, gush about, really you’re the MVPS. It was a lot of fun. I will cherish it… but I could not continue. And I never wanted to burden anyone. Because none of this makes any sense to me. Sorry…

I’ve always wanted to lift others up and encourage others. Even if someone likes a character I don’t, or pairing if they’re nice—there must be something to it I can’t see, whatever floats their boat. These things...really shouldn't be a big deal. Let people enjoy what they enjoy. And others who give someone grief for it… and haunt tags, or belittle you for your hobbies aren’t worth your time. It reeks of insecurity. After all, nobody on tumblr dot com or twitter are an “educator” or superior for having an opinion on videogames. And numbers don’t matter; sure the validation can provide a buzz, but at the end of the day, it’s social media. ...What you enjoy that does.

So to end on a positive note… because I don’t want my optimism to die completely.

Find whatever you like and people who like the same thing, and make them your people. May your creativity flow ever freely. Nothing is more powerful than your own interpretation of the canon, than your own experience with it.

To roughly quote one of my favorite games of all times, “as long as you’re not doing anything wrong and nobody is getting hurt, you should just live proudly in the open.”

Edit: The only reason I’m leaving this and my one past blog title up as placeholders is because honestly. Since tumblr does nothing to limit someone from creating endless blogs and dodging blocks/reports/bans, I wouldn’t have put it past them to well, try to get the blog names. This person since then has tried to add me on Discord twice (which I didn’t... give out) in the previous year a month apart. I just want to move on.