#i dunno if a rando girl who doesn’t know me who i’ve been talking to for five minutes is gonna wanna be all that patient imao

[gregmarriage]

lot of feelings about being disabled and bedridden and housebound etc, and the disappointment and sadness, etc that comes with it. especially, bc a girl asked me out for coffee and i don’t know how to let her down and say, ‘yeah, don’t hold your breath’

[thewritewolf]

After the End Chapter 4: Cafe

Some old friends get together to catch up.

First | Previous | Next | Last

@marichatmay

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

“Sorry I’m late guys!”

Marinette sat her things down and pulled out the last empty chair at the cafe table. A sigh of relief passed her lips when she saw that they had already ordered her iced coffee. Even better, the ice was only barely melted, so she couldn’t have been too late. Or maybe it was just the cool autumn air helping her out. She closed her eyes to savor the taste as she took her first sip - it may only be late September now, but before long, she’d have to trade her favorite drink for something warmer.

“Don’t worry, girl,” Alya replied with a smirk. Her phone was on the table, both of her hands wrapped around her hot apple cider. “I got used to it a long time ago.”

“Cut her some slack, babe.” Nino gave his girlfriend a light squeeze, resting his arm around her. His tea sat on the table, ignored for now. “She’s def better than back in school.”

Alya rolled her eyes playfully. “Yeah, magic monsters no longer tearing up Paris tend to have that effect.” Smirking, she looked back to Marinette. “At least tell me you only do the ‘arriving fashionably late’ thing with us, right? You’re actually getting to classes on time, right?”

Marinette huffed and crossed her arms with a pout. “Yes, I am. I’ll have you know I’ve only been late three times so far.”

“M!” Alya laughed. “Classes have been going for four weeks. How have you been late already?”

“Why yes my classes have been going fine, Alya my best friend who doesn’t ask mean questions about my attendance.”

“Oh fine, I’ll let you off the hook this once.” Alya leaned forward with her elbows on the table and an excited gleam in her eyes. “But speaking of your classes… how are they going? For real?”

“Professor Leclair is a hard ass, but other than that?” Marinette grinned. “I’m doing great! Doing all those extracurricular activities in lycee really paid off. My time management skills are crazy good, at least when you compare them to my classmates.”

“Yeah that doesn’t surprise me much,” Nino said, tilting his hat up. “You were always supes busy way back when. Glad it did something for ya ‘sides headaches and panic attacks.”

“Honestly.” Alya took a sip of her drink. “So why’s this Leclair guy so bad?”

“First day we walked into his classroom he assigned us a huge project.” Marinette wrinkled her nose. It had been her first university class ever and she’d spent the entire class thinking that all of her classes were going to be that hard. Thankfully, he was uniquely terrible. “Plus he’s just a big jerk. Only ever has negative stuff to say about our works.” She did a poor imitation of his voice. “Wah work on that cross stitching wah.”

While the other two were chuckling, Marinette frowned, the imitation stirring up memories of a few nights before. Heavy winds and knights in shining, water-slick leather armor.

“Something up, M?”

“Huh?” Marinette snapped out of it, looking back at her friends. “Well, its just… I saw Chat Noir a few days ago.”

“Seriously?” Alya blinked in surprise. “Then you’re in an exclusive club these days, girl. Paris’s own catboy hasn't gotten spotted much these last few months. Folks on the Ladyblog forums say he’s mostly just out at night.”

“And, speakin’ of spotted, LB hasn’t shown up since Hawkmoth went down.” Nino frowned, his hands folded in front of his face as he stared into the distance. “Poor guy…”

Marinette knew it wasn’t Gabriel he was talking about - there was no way Nino would ever have sympathy for him. “Have you heard from Adrien lately? Or is Italy taking up all his time?”

“Dunno.” Nino shrugged, eyes looking at nothing. “Just some rando texts here and there. Nothin’ much. Not that I’m surprised, though.”

“Yeah… I don’t blame the surviving Agrestes for getting out of here.” Alya frowned, reaching a hand across the table to take Marinette’s hand.

Marinette flashed Alya a sad smile. “I just hope he’s doing okay, whatever he’s doing.”

[takerfoxx]

So long as I'm getting caught up on all my stuff, here's the next installment of the Walpurgis Nights girls watch The Rebellion Story, this time stretching from Homura shooting herself in the head to her talk with Sayaka the vague-poster!

Reminder:

G=Gretchen

H=Homulilly

Op=Ophelia

Ok=Oktavia

Ca=Candeloro/Mami

Ch=Charlotte

...

=still screaming=

G: Turn it off, TURN IT OFF!

Ok, panicking: I got it, I got it! Off!

=TV winks out=

Ch: Sweet Christ!

=long pause, and then Gretchen gets up and runs off. Homulilly quickly follows=

Ch: This was a mistake.

Op: What. The fuck?

Ca: I should have known. I should have known it would go this way.

Ch: Candy, there’s no way you could have-

Ca: No! There was! I knew how bad it could get! I knew how far we could have fallen! I shouldn’t have let you guys see any of this.

Ok: It’s not your fault.

Ca: I still should have known. I should have at least screened this!

Ch: Yeah, one of us probably should have.

=another long pause=

Ok: So, uh, are we, like, done?

=suddenly Gretchen reenters the room, followed by Homulilly. They silently return to their seats=

G: Okay. Play it.

Op: Gretch, are you sure?

G: I need to know. I need to know what happens to her. I need to know if we turn out okay. Play it.

=everyone exchanges uncomfortable glances, and then look to Homulilly, who slowly nods=

Ok: Okay, if you say so…

Op: We’d better ease it with the commentary. I mean, this isn’t something we can-

G: No! Please, no. The talking…and the jokes…well, it makes it easier.

Op: Sure.

Ch: It’ll be kind of hard to find anything funny about this.

Ca: We can try to do what we can.

=they start the movie, and silently watch as Homura falls in slow motion, blood and brains spewing out. And then…=

Op: Wait, hold up! How is she still moving?

Ca: As I said, something like that won’t kill her. You would need to destroy her soul gem.

Op: So she can straight up just blow her own head off and walk it off?

Ca: So long as the act of healing didn’t use up too much magic, yes.

H: Okay, but why? Why would I do something like that?

Ca: Let’s find out.

…

Ok: Uh…Ooooh.

H: Oh. Really?

G: What’s going on?

H: I couldn’t get rid of the ribbon on my ankle. Every time I tried to shoot it off, Mami would just grow it back. So I tried shocking her so badly that she wouldn’t think to regenerate the ribbon long enough for her to be caught in the time-stop.

Op: By shooting yourself in the head?!

H: Clearly, I have a considerable amount of emotional issues.

Ch: You know, it’s really starting to concern me how you keep referring to her as yourself just now.

H: I apologize. I will try to differentiate between my alternate selves.

Ok: Oh great, now I’ve gone cross-eyed.

…

Ch: So…this is really uncomfortable. Again.

G: Is she going to shoot Cand-I mean, Mami?

Ca: I mean, there’s clearly a moral struggle.

H: Well. At least I didn’t turn out as a complete sociopath.

Ok: This is seriously gross. Can we just skip this part?

Ca: No.

Ok: But-

Ca: No.

Ok: Okay.

…

Op: In the leg. Well, I guess that’s not as-

Ok: HOLY!

G: What’s happening? What’s going on?

Op: Sweet flames, she’s…a ribbon monster? The fuck?

=pause, and then Charlotte starts laughing hard while Candeloro just sighs=

Ok: Charlotte! Explain! Now!

Ch: She did it! She actually did it!

Ok: Did what?!

Ch: You’ll see!

H: Wow, I am…I mean, she is just all tied up now.

G: Wait, Mami’s there? But I thought…then what was…

Ca: Oh, good grief.

Ok: Wait. Wait a second, you can clone yourself?!

Ca: It’s…not so much a clone as it is a puppet.

Ok: Since when could you do that?!

Ca: Um, well, I had figured it out a short time before our, um, deaths. I was training with Kyo…with Ophelia, and we were practicing with her illusion magic. You know, the duplicates?

Op: Uh-huh.

Ca: Well, she suggested that perhaps I could do something similar with my ribbons, since I could use my ribbons to form other objects. And, well…it worked.

Op: Ooooh. Okay, that’s actually kind of awesome.

H: I was fighting a copy the whole time?! How is that fair?

Ch: You can literally freeze time!

H: Hey, wait. How do you know that she could do that, Charlotte?

Ch: How do you think?

Ca: Like we said: our therapist suggested building positive associations around my change. We had to get creative.

Op: Oh, come on, that’s not fair!

Ok: Wait, you were the one betting on her!

Op: I’m not talking about that! When I do my duplicate trick all I can do with them is give Tavi a show! It’s not like she can touch any of them!

Ok: Babe. Relax. It’s honestly fine.

Op: All I’m saying I should be able to give you a lap dance while the striptease is going on.

G: TMI! TMI!

Ch: You, uh, do know that you can give her the lap dance and let your illusions handle the striptease, right?

Op: Do you know how hard it is to handle two kinds of dancing at the same time when you’re horny?

G: Please, I am begging you to stop!

…

Ch: So…I think someone owes me and Fee-Fee some talents.

Ok: Fight’s not over yet!

Ch: It clearly is…

G: You don’t know that! Maybe Homura will drop a hand-grenade to blow the ribbons up! Or maybe Kyoko will come to save her.

Op: Look, if other-me tags in, that’s an automatic forfeit. This is supposed to be one-on-one, and that clone trick is stretching things as it is.

H: Wait, wait, shut up. Wraiths? What are wraiths?

Ok: Dunno.

Ch: Did we miss something? I get that that nightmares replaced the witches, but what are wraiths?

G: Maybe…after I erased witches, wraiths are what replaced them!

Op: We should’ve just watched the damn show first.

Ch: Do you really think it’ll make things make more sense?

Op: Probably not, but at least we’d know about half of these names!

Ch: Jesus Christ, the fuck is that?

Ok: The sky wants to eat that giant walnut, apparently.

Ch: I can see that, but what does it mean?!

G: I think that’s an eye, actually.

Ok: An eye with teeth.

Ch: None of that answers any of my questions.

Op: Nope, this would still be just as weird even if we watched the show.

…

Ch: And here comes the rescue! Via…fire extinguisher for some reason. Sorry girls, Mami takes this.

Ok: Fine, fine. Thanks a lot, Homulilly.

H: Not my fault. None of us knew about the duplicate thing. I had her beat until then.

Ok: Wait, is that a sword?

Op: Guess it ain’t me with the steel chair, then!

G: Well, of course not. It’s a sword.

Op: That’s not…never mind.

Ok: It’s me! I’m coming in to save you!

H: I’m touched. But…why?

Ok: Because I had fifty talents riding on you, and you let me down.

H: Oh, don’t start.

Op: Wait. That ain’t your voice, Tavi.

Ok: Who else has a sword?!

G: Um, who is that?

Ch: Some kind of kid. Candy, do you recognize her back from before?

Ca: No, I really don’t…

Op: Wait, BEBE?!

Ch: Excuse me?!

H: Um…this is…a turn.

Ca: Don’t look at me, I’m as bewildered as you are.

Ch: Oh, so first I’m a creepy idiot doll, and now I’m a fucking child?!

Op: What is this, some kind of alternate universe bullshit?

Ok: I mean, basically. Uh, you okay over there, Charlotte.

Ch: Nope!

Ok: Wanna take a break?

Ch: Yes!

…

=everyone returns after half-an-hour=

Ch: I think I’ve figured it out.

H: Oh?

Ch: Butterfly effect. Like, okay, in this universe, Madoka somehow erased all witches, right? I mean, made it so magical girls don’t turn into witches anymore, right? And did it all through history, right?

H: Presumably.

Ch: So that means that there has to be major repercussions! Like, like, this girl doesn’t turn into a witch fifty years ago, so she doesn’t eat some random passerby, and that rando goes and marries someone that would have married someone else in the original timeline, so they have a completely different set of kids, so the kids they would have had originally don’t get born! So somewhere down the line, things got all screwy and I ended up being born a few years later!

G: Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense.

Op: I guess we’re all super-lucky that we got born at all. And that the rest of us ended up more-or-less the same. Um, no offense.

Ch: Right. That’s all it is. Different timeline, things happened differently, and I’m a little girl in this world. That’s it.

Ok: So…are you okay with this then?

Ch: Oh, absolutely not! But I can at least deal with it now!

Op: Bet’cha anything that good ol’ Bebe here still has a major crush on Mami.

Ch: Oh, God! Don’t even go there!

Op: I’m just sayin’…

Ca: Ophelia…

Op: Stopping, stopping.

H: Shall we continue?

Ch: Yeah, I guess. I’m gonna need major therapy after all this is over, though.

G: We all will.

…

Ok: Okay, I know this is probably a bad time to point this out, but Sayaka has style!

Op: I mean, you’re not wrong. Look at you, being all effortlessly cool! Not that you aren’t already.

Ok: Nice save there.

Ch: Haha, Sayaka’s got it right! Taking on Mami was a dumb idea. Speaking of which…

Ok: Oh, come on! That clone trick was dirty and you know it!

Ch: Oh, I’m sorry. Are you upset that she so happened to have something that counters Homura’s extremely unfair timestop power?

Op: She’s got a point. A bet’s a bet.

G: All right, I guess it’s official. Mami won.

=Candeloro smirks=

H; You don’t have to be all smug about it.

Ca: True. I don’t.

…

G: Wait…

Op: So, what, Sayaka knows what’s going on?

Ok: Of course I do! I mean, I’m the brains of the bunch!

=Homulilly coughs=

Ok: I heard that.

H: I didn’t say anything.

Ch: Well, finally some exposition!

G: I do sort of wish that she’d just tell Homura what is going on without being so vague about it.

Ok: Look, I’ve been pretty much on the wayside this whole movie. Let me have my monologue.

Ch: What’s she getting at though?

H: Oh.

Ch: Huh?

H: I think…Never mind.

G: What is it?

H: I just had sort of a realization, but I’d rather not say it now.

Op: Eh?

H: Hang on. Let’s just watch a bit more.

…

Op: Jesus, Tavi! No need to show Homura up like that!

Ok: Let! Me! Have! This!

Ch: That was pretty cool, though. Shwing! Stopped her cold!

G: Wait, so one of us is the…

=voice trails off=

G: Is it me?

H: Um…

Op: Oh.

Ok: Oh.

Ch: What? Oh, okay. I get it now.

Ca: I sort of put it together too.

G: What? What are…Oh.

=everyone looks at Homulilly=

H: Well, it only makes sense. I guess.

Ch: You don’t seem all that upset about it.

H: Well, at least I get to become my best self in this movie.

G: But…how though? I thought I erased witches or whatever!

Ok: Let’s find out.

Ch: If your other self can ever get to the point.

Ok: Shhh…

…

Ca: Wait, I’m the witch? Is that what she’s implying?

Ch: Pretty sure that’s just a red herring.

Ok: You know, it’s nice that Sayaka is actually being all sympathetic toward witches. I mean, it’s kind of fucked up, isn’t it? That even the magical girls that know the score still hunt down witches instead of trying to help them.

G: I mean, it can’t really be helped, can it?

Ok: I know, I just like that I’m saying it.

G: The Law of Cycles? What’s that?

Op: Probably whatever trippy business you replaced the witch stuff with.

H: Oh, now I’m finally just saying it out loud! Madoka erased witches. Took us long enough to get to that point.

Op: Wait, sacrificed herself? Only Homura remembers her? What?

Ch: Pretty sure this was all explained in the show.

Op: Well, that’s what we get for watching this first. Should we go back and-

Everyone: No.

Op: Cool.

…

Op: Oh, freaky!

Ok: Wait, so I’m the witch now?

Ch: Could mean that in this timeline you turned into a witch before Madoka did her un-witching…thing.

Ca: That is what you looked like. Right before you became one with Charlotte, I mean.

Ch: Er…

Ok: Phrasing…

Ca: Oh, for Heaven’s sake. It is literally what happened. You turned into a witch while we were fighting Charlotte, and then the two of you fused. Then I became a witch and fused with that witch. And then Ophelia became a witch and we all fused together.

Ok: Yeah, but the way you said it…

…

H: Where’d she go?

Ok: Clumsy? You have the gall to call me clumsy? Who just saved who’s ass, just now!

H: Cut me some slack, it’s been a long evening.

Ch: Y’know you still got blood and brains all over your cheek, right?

H: I am certain that Homura does not care.

Op: I am certain that Homura is about to blow the brains out of the first punk-ass that looks at her wrong right about now.

Ok: Headshots for everybody!

H: Except Madoka.

Ok: Except Madoka. She can be the token un-brain-slushee.

G: Gee. Thanks.

Ca: I’d like to just point out that Homura came very close to turning me into a brain-slushee, but changed her mind.

Op: I doubt she’ll let you off so easy a second time.

Ch: Easy. Hey, may I remind you who won that fight?

H: You’re not going to let that go, are you?

Op: Tell yah what. Losing party treats the winners to dinner at the Tradewinds. Fair?

H: Fair.

Ch: Seriously? With the prices they have down there it’ll be cheaper just to cough up the fifty talents.

G: Yeah, but onion volcanoes!

Ch: Hard to argue with that logic.

Ok: So…on a scale of one to ten, how badly is Homura going to flip out when she realized that she’s the witch.

H: I will accept nothing less than a massacre.

Ok: Cool. Just so long as it’s not of us.

Op: I don’t know. The way this movie is going I wouldn’t be surprised if this turned into a straight-up snuff film.

[nevermindthewind]

the beach house on crack: a love island au

alright lads so basically i’ve been binge watching love island and got to thinking about how jake and amy would be if they were in the villa bc you know it’d be spicy af so naturally i called up my resident brit @fourdrinkamy​ and the two of us wrote up some (4k words of) headcanons!!! If you dont watch love island then 1) culture yourself 2) it’s a british reality tv show that’s like a better version of the bachelor

“The premise of Love Island is simple. A group of attractive 20-somethings are made to couple up and share a bed—regardless of whether they have a romantic connection—in a villa on the Spanish island of Majorca. New cast members and challenges are introduced to make things difficult and they are made to recouple.” - time.com (oh + the winning couple gets £50k)

keep reading below the cut for some reality tv/brooklyn nine nine madness!!!

· so jake and amy are part of the original ten in the villa, obvs, along with charles, terry, gina, sharon and rosa and a few other randos who we don’t care about

· when jake comes in amy thinks he’s cute in a goofy sort of way but she doesn’t step forward (therefore admitting she would want to couple up with him) bc she wants to keep her options open and what not but jake thinks shes a BABE so he decides to couple with her anyway

She’s not mad about it though, he seems like a good time

charles choses rosa and she is Not Pleased bc he seems like a goober (he is)

Terry picks sharon and they become like the jack and dani of the season (kinda)

· Charles and jake instantly bond and have one of the best bromances in love island history

· Gina is the biggest pot stirrer the island’s ever seen and is constantly trying to get terry away from sharon but he doesn’t ever budge

· within the first few days its clear to amy they’re just gonna be buddies but that’s fine bc while he likes orange soda in his cereal and is possibly the messiest man she’s ever met he’s really funny and they’re really good at all the different competitions and she’s got the perfect wingman for when mr. right does come around!

· jake doesn’t mind either bc amy’s super chill and also wants to join the police academy so they can talk cop movies which is dope and also they smoke the competition when it comes to challenges

· Amy loves that they get given water bottles and forces Jake to drink it in its entirety x3 daily

· The first set of new guys/girls comes into the villa and while amy and jake both try neither of them feel anything so at the first recoupling Amy chooses to stay with jake so they both can stay and try to find someone

Rosa choses the new guy marcus much to charles’ disappointment

· jake gets everyone in the villa to start making title of your sex tape jokes and it becomes a running joke and the public gets it trending on twitter

· Over the course of the next week or so they have become each other’s best friend in the villa and often find themselves hanging out one on one even when they don’t have to, to the point where everyone else is questioning whether they actually like each other or not

· The islanders get a text from the producers (“I GOT A TEXT”) saying each couple has to pick two other couples they think are the least compatible and whoever has the most votes will get dumped from the villa, but even though jake and amy are in a friendship couple the rest of the couples think they have such good chemistry they don’t receive a single vote

· jake’s thinking the same thing and confides in charles after a few drinks and charles convinces him to say something to her

Charles is already a self-defined “melt” for jake & amy

THATS WHEN TEDDY COMES INTO THE ISLAND dun dun dun

Amy’s instantly drawn to teddy and everyone is excited bc she finally found someone she’s interested in

“He’s 100% my type on paper”

jake is genuinely happy for her ( “how do i look? Is this lipstick too much?” “you look great, ames”) but at the same time is a sad lil puppy

That night they recouple and amy chooses teddy and the public are sad bc jake and amy belong together!!!!!

Gina recouples with jake to keep him around bc she’s his mate le duh

amy’s all excited that night because she finally has someone to cuddle with but teddy just??? rolls over and goes to bed??? uh okay…

Also he snores. Big time.

Charles brings his sleep apnea machine and between that and teddy’s snores no one can sleep

On the brightside no one can hear the couples who are ~doing bits~

(A/N to clarify: in the villa, everyone sleeps in the same room which has six double beds & you share a bed with whoever you happen to be ‘coupled up’ with at the time)

· The jimmy jabs is totes one of the competitions they do and jake lets amy (and therefore teddy) win bc he knows how bad she wants it……and because he still likes her

· The heist, on the other hand, is something jake comes up with on his own and eventually everyone in the villa starts swiping things from each other

· Eventually this super hot girl sophia enters the villa and jake is SMITTEN

Jake in the interview room: “Looks like the gods have finally answered my prayers…”

iain the narrator: “Yes, the gods. Or, our producers wanted a bit of action so they asked our intern to find out your type.”

· Pimento enters the villa the same time as sophia and he and rosa are instantly drawn to each other and poor marcus doesnt stand a chance

They become co-presidents of the do bits society within like a day, even doing it in the middle of the day

Jake walks in on them doing it TWICE in one day and just silently backs out of the room, it’s not like he needed sun cream anyway

· sophia gets to pick two guys to take on a date and one of them is jake and amy is v jealous bc teddy is a dud (not that she’s going to admit that to anyone apart from in the talking head…just yet)

“I just don’t get what he sees in her honestly? Oh god…am i jealous of sophia?! Noooooo…”

Iain the narrator: “Yessssssss…”

· Amy’s been trying to get to know teddy, but it turns out the guy is a total snoozefest, which she tells gina and rosa one day while they’re getting ready

“All he ever talks about is pilsners. I dont even like pilsners!!!”

“Also, I dunno if you guys noticed this but the guy wears mesh underwear. Like why? Is it medical? How do you even ask that?!”

· Jake and sophia immediately hit it off and in the same episode it becomes v clear amy is over teddy and his lack of a personality

Theres a recoupling where boys pick and jake picks sophia and teddy picks amy but amy is Not Pleased

· A group of the islanders (led by Jake) creates a game where they take a shot every time Teddy chooses a pilsner to drink

charles is pissed by like six pm

· UH OH THERES A KISSING CHALLENGE

The islanders play snog marry pie, so basically the boys line up in a line and the girls pick a boy to make out with and one they’d want to marry (and one they want to throw a literal pie in their face)

Sophia snogs jake ofc and then says she’d marry some rando (again who we don’t care about)

Amy, however, chooses to marry teddy - “i’m marrying you because i think we’d have cute babies who would go to code camp” - AND KISSES JAKE. jake is surprised but also not upset?? And when amy pulls away jake seems to lean in for more!!!

Cut to sophia in the talking head like “HANG ON. why did she kiss jake and why did he look like he was going in for more???”

Sophia gets pissed off at jake who’s genuinely confused

“It was just a game??  Like i’dve kissed anyone bc that’s literally the game”

“Yes jake but you clearly went for more. And you didn’t have to slip your tongue into her mouth.”

Jake tries to clear his name but sophia’s not having it

“If you liked amy you should’ve just told me, not made out with her in front of me and the whole damn country”

She storms off after that leaving jake alone on the swinging couch

Cut to jake smiling in the talking head: “amy kissed me…”

NEXT TIME ON LOVE ISLAND…

Just kidding i don’t have enough follow through to make two posts so we’re just gonna do it all now

· After all that ~drama~ sophia goes to sleep on the couch but jake, ever the gentleman, tells her he’ll take the couch and she can sleep in the bed

Teddy and amy still share a bed…i mean it’s not like they cuddled before anyway…

· Everyone in the villa gives jake crap for his bedhead and amy crap for her old lady glasses

Jake def makes the glasses/penis comment and iain makes some snarky narrator remark

· Jake and Amy kinda dance around each other most of the day and then they hear Gina announce “I GOT A TEEEEEXXXXXT”

“Islanders, tonight there will be a recoupling. The girls will choose their partner. The remaining boy with be dumped from the villa immediately. #choosewisely”

Everyone in the villa immediately turns to jake and amy

· After a proper gassing up from gina, rosa, and charles jake finally goes over to amy

“Hey ames, can we go for a chat?”

Amy tucks her hair behind her ears as she gets up heheheh

Gina, rosa and charles don’t even try to hide the fact that they’re watching the entire conversation unfold from their spot on the day bed

· They go to the hanging couch (the best spot in the villa in my humble opinion) and jake finally tells her how he feels!!!!

“Look, i dont wanna be a jerk…I know you’re coupled up with teddy and it’s going really well. It’s just…”

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen at this recoupling and I think I’d be pissed with myself if I didn’t say this. I kinda wish something could happen between us…romantic stylez. And i know it probably will never happen because you’re happy in your couple but…”

· Before either of them can say anything more they’re cut off by terry announcing he has a text!!!

“Islanders, it is now time for the recoupling. Whichever boy is not chosen to recouple will be dumped from the villa immediately.”

Jake and amy just kinda stare at each other for a few seconds before amy finally gets up wordlessly and walks to the bonfire

· In classic love island fashion, amy has to choose her boy last, so it’s down to just teddy and jake. Whoever she doesn’t pick has to leave the villa.

Everyone, e v e r y o n e is visibly stressed. Charles is full on crying, and rosa is clutching pimento’s hand so hard it may or may not break by the end of the night

Teddy, god bless him, looks completely at ease. Jake keeps scratching the back of his neck and wringing his hands

· Finally amy takes a deep breath.  

“I chose this boy because…he makes me laugh. He’s a good friend, and he knows me better than anyone in the villa. Also – he’s probably gonna make fun of me for saying this – but he’s, like, really fit. I don’t know, I just would be so, so sad if he left the villa. And I want to give us a chance to go beyond friends.”

At this point the camera flips to jake who is giving her the smallest, sweetest smile and then to teddy who’s finally catching on.

“The boy I choose is…”

*dramatic-ass pause*

“Jake.”

· THE MUSIC SWELLS. JAKE WALKS OVER TO HER AND GIVES HER THE SWEETEST KISS. EVERYONE CRIES, EVEN ROSA.

Amy smiles as they pull apart.

“So, a lot of change around here, huh?”

He kisses her again. :’)

· The first night they sleep together they don’t kiss but they do spoon

Jake is almost always the little spoon and at first he gets crap from the other boys when they see this but he doesn’t care because being the little spoon is the best!!!!! He gets to wake up in amys arms like hellooooo

· Amy and jake are surprisingly affectionate??? Not in a weird way like charles and genevieve but amy just always seems to have a hand on his knee or what have you

For the record, amy was NEVER like that with teddy.

· Amy has a STRICT no-sex rule in the bedroom bc hello they are on national television her abuela could be watching!!!! + it would be super weird to do bits in the same room as charles…of course jake completely and utterly respects this and doesn’t even question it. If he has to go 6 weeks without sex even though he’s sharing a bed every night with the hottest girl he’s ever seen then so be it

· UNTIL it’s announced via text that The Hideaway (a private area/bedroom in the villa away from everyone else but still not the cameras Obviously this is love island) is open and the islanders get to choose a couple to stay there for the night. Having had to put up with their blossoming love and flirting 24 fucking 7 everyone else unanimously screams “jake and amy!!!! It has to be Jake and amy!!!!” and they just grin at each other

· The bed is so big and covered in rose petals & there happens to be a very handy bowl of condoms on the bedside table…at first they just talk about how nice it is to get some alone time and just hang out….which of course turns to kissing and then making out and then………under the covers they go (for those who don’t actually watch the show it’s literally like seeing sims wahooing but irl) (maybe we see a cheeky black and white shot of amy moaning)

· The next morning amy wakes up with the BIGGEST grin on her face and her hair all mussed, and she kisses jake awake “morning, baby” and he immediately pulls her into him and kisses her back

Jake’s talking head: “Last night? Last night was….it was amazing. Stupid good. That’s all I’m going to say.” our boy!!! Cannot!!! Stop smiling!!!!

· When they get back to the main villa they naturally segregate into boys and girls and the guys immediately ask jake “how was your night? Did you get any??” “oh my god, did you FRENCH???” “charles, no nothing happened”

· (in true Jamie style) he goes over to the day beds with amy and lets her cuddle into his chest and asks if it’s okay if he tells people what happened in the hideaway - he’s a gentleman!!! And he’s always going to respect her boundaries!! Amy tells him of course that’s okay, people are going to find out anyway and that it’s really sweet of him to check with her…and she laughs to herself when jake goes back over to the boys and she hears charles scream “I KNEW YOU WERE GLOWING”

· Rosa and Gina casually-but-not-so-subtly ask amy “so did you shag? Tell us everything” and amy just smiles….rosa and gina look at each other like noice, they’re so proud of her!!

Rosa later confides in amy “the amy i knew two weeks ago would nEver have done that with Teddy…i’m happy for you, santiago”

· CASA AMOR. the boys have to sneak out of the villa (jake goes into full on spy mode rolling around on the carpet) and get shipped off to a separate one that has 6 new girls in it and then 6 new boys enter the old villa to shake things up (reality television at its absolute FINEST YALL)…the producers’ twist? Fucking Constantine Kane gets put in the girls’ villa - amy’s eyes widen out of their sockets when she sees her most random ex enter. He of course is still so in love with her, or so he claims, and tells her how excited he is to couple up with her and share a bed and win her over and get married and have babies with her. Amy naturally is like no way jose and spends the entire time trying to avoid him (with the help of rosa) hiding everywhere she can fit and sleeping on the sofa at night (and, also naturally, she worries that Sophia 2.0 is with jake right now and she realises it kind of makes her sick to her stomach thinking about jake kissing another girl….maybe she likes him even more than she thought she did?)

· Just to mess with him, jake gets a text that has a photo of constantine trying to kiss amy and poor bb gets beside himself with worry…

Jake’s talking head: “I mean Amy can do whatever she wants, I’m obviously not going to stop her from being with another person - we’ve only known each other for what a month…” [he looks away from the camera and rubs his face with his hand] “But I really like her…so it just kinda…sucks.”

· OBVIOUSLY he has nothing to worry about and his face!!!!!!!!! Just lights up in relief!!!!! When amy walks back into the og villa during the Most Dramatic recoupling without bringing back anyone from the new one!!! She rushes over to him and cups his face with her hands and kisses him hard in front of everyone

· “I missed you, you know” “I missed you too” “Hey I have to ask…that guy you were with-” “You saw that?” “I got sent a photo…nothing…nothing happened between you, right?” “Yes - I mean no. Things did happen. In the past, on the outside. But I was young and I regret it so much - i tried to avoid him the entire time in casa amor. Honestly all I could think about was how much i wanted to be hanging out with you” “really?”  she moves to sit on his lap, wraps her arms around his next and kisses his cheek.  “the only person i want to be in this villa with is you” “i could say the same thing about you, ames” and then they get straight back to kissing :’)))

Iain: “nope, that’s definitely not a tear in my eye”

· One morning the islanders wake up to the delightful sound of babies screaming bc you guessed it!! baby challenge!!! (i.e. towards the end of the summer, the couples are given plastic babies and have to look after them for a day)

Amy is SO excited and throws the covers off running towards the cribs (after Charles and Genevieve) screaming - “We made a baby! Oh my god I have a baby!” leaving a half-awake dazed and confused jake still in bed

Jake & Rosa eventually bother getting out of their respective beds, definitely not as excited as the rest of the villa, but jake will admit his heart flutters a little seeing amy cradling a plastic baby to her chest so attentively

“Jake! Look we have a little girl!” “awww she looks just like you, Ames” “we have to name her” “Nakatomi” jake answers immediately, to which amy whines “jaaaake take it seriously! I’m not having a daughter called Nakatomi” “fine, i’ll compromise on Holly”

At first jake is a little apprehensive about having this new Responsibility (and he’s not about to blurt out all his dad issues on national television) and so he keeps his distance and mainly lets amy take care of their new offspring in the morning (“amessss why does it keep crying?” “i cannot Believe you would call our baby it, peralta!”) That is until the girls get sent off on a Mommy’s Lunch, turning the villa into daddy day care….

He knows how much Amy loves this little baby so he decides he is going to take this seriously and it doesn’t take long for him to realise that??? This is kinda fun??? He takes Holly on strolls in her buggy around the villa and plays with her in the pool with charles and terry and (tugging at the public’s heart) sits on a day bed with her and tells her just how awesome her mummy is

When amy gets back, her heart completely MELTS at the sight of her new bf with their little one……and they end up talking about how they’re the best parents in the entire villa nay the world (“our kid is WAY cuter than terry and sharon’s” “oh for SURE”) & then of course win the challenge

· For the Final Date extravaganza they go on a helicopter ride and ngl even Amy is beside herself with excitement…they’ve spent the last 6 weeks talking about their favourite action films etc. and now it’s like they’re in one! They definitely act like literal children/real cops pretending they’re on a manhunt for a fugitive (instead of appreciating the view like normal people)

They get treated to a romantic dinner afterwards followed by dancing with live musicians and that’s when they FINALLY say those 3 words to each other….(well 5 if you count “noice, smort”)

· AND THE WINNER IS…..jake and amy obviously this is a b99 x love island au :’) they’re so sweet and humble about it & amy makes jake promise on live national television that he’s not just going to spend all their cash prize on sneakers. They each end up with over a million followers on their instagrams, where they regularly post photos of each other on date night/ at premieres/ evenings at home…and also video sagas of them pranking each other which starts with amy pieing jake’s face unexpectedly and escalates into fake proposals and frozen shoes….and maybe some *light* tasering

· Of course they end up getting married for realz and a baby announcement follows not too long after that…they are utterly the nation’s sweethearts (and Charles keeps doing interviews to the press saying he’s the one who brought them together in the villa from the beginning)

[cal-puddies]

repercussions of the ramifications || pt 13 || luke hemmings

been a minute, but after MANY requests, its back.

Luke holds your hand as you walk the streets of Nashville. He took you to a city he knew you wanted to go. “I like it here.” You smile at him.

“I like just about anywhere if you’re there.” He admits, quietly. You slip into a coffee shop and grab ice coffees. “You’re pretty.” Luke says, looking at you as you wait.

“Your eyes are pretty…” you start, “and the slope of your nose ... and your pretty hair.”

“Stop telling me how pretty I am; I will never be prettier than you.” He grins.

“I think scientifically you are wrong… because! Your face is so symmetrical.”

“I don’t want you going to school anymore, you’re too smart for me!” He laughs.

“I know things you don’t, you know things I don’t.” You shrug. You both grab your coffees and Luke wraps his arm around your waist as you leave the coffee shop.

“Hey babe.” He says, and waits for you to look at him, “thanks for continuing to take a chance on me.”

“We took a chance on each other, and yeah we’ve been together for three years, but we’re still learning about each other every day. You’ve really come into your own as a person and you are not the boy I met back then… I’m hungry.” You state.

He grins, “me too. Let’s find something.”

Luke’s cuddly when you guys get back to the hotel, draping himself across you, snuggling his face into the crook of your neck, but you don’t mind. You don’t get a lot of moments of pure affection so you have to take them where you can get them.

“Do you ever think about what a future with me would be like?” He asks.

“Luke… of course. I wouldn’t still be in your bed if I didn’t.”

“Sometimes it scares me.” He admits. “You’re like… this incredible person, who’s so patient and loving and you put up with a lot of bullshit for me, and there’s someone out there that you wouldn’t have to do that for, and you’re gonna find them… maybe while I’m gone, maybe while I’m right next to you and you’re gonna realize you don’t need this.”

You thread your fingers in his hair, and sit quietly, until Luke looks up at you. “I just… I don’t really know what to say. I love you Luke, you know that.”

“Yeah baby, and I love you. That’s not my point. I know you love me. But I just keep thinking someone is out there that’s gonna show you that you can have what you deserve and it’s probably not me.” He pushes himself up to look at you.

“I’m really confused right now, Luke. Two weeks ago you were telling me you didn’t want to break up and now it kinda sounds like you do.” You shrug, for lack of any idea about anything else to do.

“No… baby… what I’m saying is that I understand. If this scenario happens, if it comes up, I get it if you have to leave.”

“How am I supposed to just be ok with that, knowing that you’re watching the door? Waiting for me to leave?”

He sits back on his heels and he looks down at the bedspread, “I fucked up.” He whispers. “You’re gonna leave.”

“What did you do?” You whisper back, looking at him, you can feel the tears in your eyes.

“There was someone else… while we were in Germany… I was drunk… it was just a kiss… she started touching me and that’s what drew me out.”

He listens as the breath you take, the silence between you two, says nothing and everything at the same time. “Oh.” You say, pushing yourself up from the bed and heading straight for the bathroom. You shut and lock the door. You pace the floor, for what feels like an eternity before Luke knocks on the door.

“Babe?” He says, “D’you want me to leave? I can’t give you space.”

You open the door and look at him. “I think the last thing you should do right now is up and leave me here in this hotel room.” You're upset. He knows that, but your teeth are clenched and your face is red and yours eyes read sadness.

“Ok.” He nods. He watches as you pace the floor, ready to take anything you’re gonna throw at him if it means you don’t leave here.

“I can’t… I can’t fucking think, when was Germany?” You ask, almost frantic, “how the fuck could you? After everything?”

“It was after Aus but before you came, we did Europe. And.. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Clearly… Tell me the truth now… that girl before I moved in… the one that messaged me…?”

“Baby, I told you the truth back then.” He nods. “Nothing happened with her, we took a picture, she walked away with Ash. I don’t know.” He shrugs.

“I dunno what to think.” You whisper, sliding your back down the wall so you’re sitting. Luke sits right in front of you, and doesn’t try to touch you at first, but eventually reaches for your hand to play with your fingers. He lets you sit quietly, in your thoughts while he does it, not wanting to push anything at the moment. You finally speak up, “45 minutes ago… you asked if I thought about a future with you… and now I’m not sure I can… has anything you’ve said to me in the last two weeks even been true?” Your tone cuts, and Luke flinches.

“Of course. I’ve never lied to you babe. That’s why I couldn’t keep this.” He sighs. “I love you. I know I fucked up. I just… I want you, and that’s it.”

“Obviously that’s not it.” You whisper, letting the tears well up in your eyes.

Luke knew this was dangerous, you were quiet. Too quiet. But he also notices you haven’t pulled your hand away. But then you do, seeming to realize he still had a hold of it. “Babe?” He asks quietly, resting his hand on your knee.

“I wanna go home Luke… but that’s your home…” you sniffle, no longer able to contain the tears.

“It’s your home too.” He insists.

“I need…” you start.

“Anything.” He insists.

You push yourself up, grab a shooter from the mini bar, your phone and walk out onto the balcony.

Luke doesn’t leave, but he gives you space, pacing the room. You text Calum… or at least try to; but you didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to ruin his time with Kate, at home.

And your phone rings, “Hey.” Cal says. “See you texting and not sending anything… you ok?”

“Why are you checking on my texts?” You let out an attempt at a laugh.

“Kate said something weird and left, she’s kinda flighty, and I just wanted to see if you could decode. But that’s nothing. If you’re texting me right now… something’s up.” He explains.

“Luke told me about what happened in Germany.”

“... about what happened in Germany… oh. Are you ok?” He asks.

“I don’t know.” You take a deep breath, “I have no clue what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to feel. We’ve been together for 3 years, if I go home, I go to his house, but can I respect myself if I stay?”

“Bub, I wish I could help with that. I can’t make that decision for you… but is a kiss, that he was honest about really worth throwing away 3 years?” You stay quiet and think about it, “if it is, you can come here, and stay till you find a place. But it’s up to you.”

“3 years… you think it was really just a kiss?” You ask.

“I know for a fact bub,” He reassures.

“Am I really considering staying?” You let out a dark laugh.

“Think on it for yourself. I’m gonna go, have a drink, get some dinner, you do the same.” And the call ends just as quickly.

“Luke…” you say, walking back into the room. “Can we eat and get drinks?” You ask.

He looks surprised, “yes baby, absolutely.” He nods.

You stay quiet, as you guys order drinks and dinner and you actually wait until you are two in. “I feel crazy.” You confirm, “considering staying… but I need to know… just a kiss? Nothing else?”

“Just a kiss.” He confirms, “you’re not crazy baby… don’t throw away 3 years.”

“How would you feel if it were reversed? If I’d kissed someone.” You ask.

“I’d be upset, for sure. I’m not discounting your feelings. At all.” He agrees, “but, I’d like to think I’d understand, this is hard, what we do is hard. And sometimes you just need something.”

You let out a breath through your nose, “I’m not like you though, Luke. I don’t need the reassurance and affection. I’m ok knowing you’re off living your life, trusting that I don’t need to check on you like that.”

“I know babe. I don’t think about it like that.” He admits.

“I know you don’t.” You nod. “I wanna be so fuckin mad at you Luke. I just… I can’t. I know you, and you thrive off affection and I wasn’t there to give it to you. I just wish you woulda hugged Ashton or some shit, instead of kissing some rando. Because that changes the trust between us, the trust I have for you.”

He looks down, “like can’t be with me type of trust or hard time trusting me?”

“In some ways it’s the same. I don’t have the time or the desire to be on the road with you all the time, you know that. But I can’t ask your friends to constantly watch you, that’s not fair either.”

“I see.” He says quietly.

“Do you though? Do you understand the impact here? 3 years Luke. And for what? Some affection?”

“Well… you were supposed to be there.” He tries to defend.

“And you were supposed to be on my side. You were supposed to know me better than Ben.” You reply calmly. “I’ve never not had your back, I’ve never not supported you.” You finish your drink and look at him, “I wanna get this to go.”

“Ok.” He nods. You guys get it wrapped up and head back to the hotel. Luke watches you for the night, finding a way to eat alone in a shared room, avoiding speaking to him at all costs.

He climbs in the bed while you get ready for bed, he’s prepared to be sent to the couch if necessary. But you don’t bother, you climb in on the other side and lay next to him. Luke thinks this few inches are worse than the thousands of miles that are typically between you.

He tries to touch your hand, and you pull it away, and turn your back toward him.

Luke knows you aren’t sleeping, and he isn’t either, which actually makes you feel better because you know he feels bad about it.

He rolls on his side to face your back, “Can we talk about this?” He asks. “I’m sorry, you know.” He touches your hip, rests his hand there, “I know I fucked up, with Ben and in Germany.”

“I dunno what else there is to talk about.” You admit.

“I just don’t want us to go to bed like this. It was a kiss, babe. I still want you, I still thought about you. And fuck I know I let you down with Ben, and I couldn’t be more sorry for that. I’m actually kinda scared of you, kinda scared of the ability you have over me and you don’t even know it.”

You take a deep breath and turn over to face him. “What do you mean?” You ask, because you don’t know.

“If you asked me to, I think I’d give up music, if it meant I could be with you, and that’s terrifying. Music is all I’ve known.”

“I’d never ask you to do that.” You whisper.

“I know. Because you give a fuck about me and my well being, and that’s why you’re mad about the kiss but you didn’t storm out like you could have, because you understand who I am as a person.” He explains. “I know baby. I know it changes the way you trust me. I get that, but I don’t think it changes the way you love me.”

“I wanna be clear here, Luke,” he watches as a tear rolls down your cheek, “I want it too so fucking bad right now.” You take a minute to catch your breath and prevent the oncoming sobbing, “I wish I could walk away and it wouldn’t hurt. But I know it will. Please don’t make me regret this.” You whisper.

“I won’t.” He promises, grabbing your hand and holding it to his lips to kiss.

Luke knew getting back on tour that things weren’t necessarily good. You tried to pretend, For him and for the guys, but Cal saw right through it and Ash mentioned he felt like something was off.

The normal amount of PDA between you two had turned to minimal and you would even avoid having to hold his hand, and the end of the tour couldn’t come fast enough.

He looks over at you, it’s the last show. He’s surprised your watching, because you hadn’t been. He sees something in your eyes that kinda worries him and it’s all of sudden all over his face for a moment, until he realizes where he’s at and what he’s supposed to be doing.

“Please don’t leave.” He says, the second he’s off stage. “Please stay. I know I don’t deserve it, I’m gonna be better.” He promises.

“What makes you think I’m gonna leave?” You check.

He quickly grabs your hand, walking you away from the large mass of people. “I saw you, I saw your face while I was on stage.”

You can tell Luke is genuinely afraid you’ll leave. He’s looking at you like you’ll leave if he’s not holding you to him somehow. “I dunno what to say Luke. I think you’re afraid I’ll leave because you know I should.” You shrug.

“What do we have to do to fix this, do you need to kiss someone else? You wanna kiss Cal? I could probably pull off Ashton if you wanted.” He pleads.

“I don’t wanna kiss your friends, Luke. I only wanna kiss you, and I thought you only wanted to kiss me.” His heart sinks as you blink back tears and pull away. He watches you walk into the guys dressing room where all your stuff is, and he watches you walk back out with everything, and into the green room, to wait. He stops by and looks at you, scrolling your phone with your headphones on. You glance up and see him. “Leave it for now Luke. I just wanna go home.” You sigh.

“I thought we were gonna go out tonight?” He asks.

“You can, I’m not going with you.” You shrug.

“Babe… c’mon, it’s the end of tour party, everyone is gonna expect you to be there.” He pleads. You just shake your head and Luke looks dejected as he walks away.

An hour passes quickly, and then Cal is in front of you, “need you to come tonight.” He says, after you take your headphones off.

“I don’t feel like pretending everything is cool between Luke and I right now.” You whine.

“I know… but I can’t have a pouty Luke tonight. Be a team player… I’ll make him make it up to you… something expensive maybe?” He quirks an eyebrow at you, slight grin on his face.

“I don’t go for that.” You roll your eyes.

“I know.” Cal groans. “Please, for me?” He asks. “You’ll be on my tab all night.” He offers.

“You know IF I go, Luke wouldn’t let me pay for a thing anyway.”  You shake your head.

“Please, please, please, please, please.” He starts. And then Ashton joins in from the hall.

He peaks his head around the corner and you look at him. “Are you here to convince me too?” You ask.

“Yeah, please!” He asks, “Won’t be a fun night out without you.”

“I hate you.” You glare at Cal.

“You don’t!” He grins, “but thank you!”

You tell them you wanna go back to the hotel and get ready and you’ll meet them out, for the time being Luke doesn’t think you’re coming.

You show up, making sure you look good, the tightest jeans you can find and a leather jacket, to make sure you look like you’re there for a good time. Ashton cheers when you walk in, and Luke’s jaw practically drops to the floor.

You walk over to him with a smile on your face, “close your mouth.” You snark.

“I thought you weren’t coming.” He mentions in your ear.

“Why, were you hoping to kiss someone else?”

“Don’t do that. I only wanna kiss you.” He groans.

“Then why haven’t you?” You meet his eyes, and he quickly wraps his arm around your back and pulls you close to him, going in for an open mouth kiss. You know there are cameras on you guys, and you’re doing your best to present a United front,  because if you don’t, someone will dig in on it and it will make your life hell.

“Good?” He asks, nodding, eyebrows raising. You nod, a grin gracing your face, “let’s get you a drink.” He grins, grabbing your hand. “Can we call a truce?” He asks quietly, while you wait for a drink at the bar.

“I’m gonna be good Luke. You don’t have to worry about me. No one will know. But I just need time.” You shrug,

“I just need you.” He says, lips next to your ear.

You look up at him, eyes meeting his, and you don’t say anything. You grab your drink and kiss him quick on the cheek before walking away to talk with some of the crew.

Luke lets out a breath. It was gonna be a long night, and an even longer amount of time before he was trusted and forgiven and he was starting to realize that.

You leave the club, Luke holding you tight and Ash and Calum in tow at about 3 am. “Want you.” You mumble in Luke’s ear, drunk enough to let your hormones take over.

The sober part of Luke wants to be snarky, he wants to say something about how you didn’t want him earlier. But he knows this is a fine line, you could quickly turn on him. Drunk Luke loves it and wants to live in this feeling, you hanging off of him and wanting desperately to fuck him the second you have the chance. “We’ll be back to the hotel soon.” He mumbles into a kiss.

People get shuffled and you end up next to Cal in the back row of the Escalade, Luke was next to Ashton, and though he didn’t mind, he wanted the attention you were dying to give.

“You know…” you started, and Luke knew the party girl in you was about to say something. “Luke said I could kiss one of ya earlier to make up for him kissin s’mone else.” You explain.

“Is that so?” Cal asks, looking like he’s ready to volunteer.

“Yeah… but she was clear that she’d never.” Luke pipes up.

“It’s true… it’s not my style.” You agree. You lean forward and over Calum so you can kiss Luke. “Luke.” You groan.

“I know baby, I want you too. But we aren’t gonna do anything in this car with my mates.” He says, holding the back of your head to keep your attention. You let out a little whine and he leans toward you and kisses you again and then let’s you go so you can sit in your seat.

Luke’s torn when you get back to the hotel, you obviously want him but he doesn’t think you’re sober enough to say so, and he definitely wants you but he doesn’t want to take advantage of the situation.

He decides to go with his gut, and not give into you tonight, and you try every trick you know to get him to sleep with you, even threatening to stay mad at him longer. He holds your face and kisses your nose, “stay mad at me as long as you want. At least I know I did the right thing by you.” He says.

When you wake up later in the day, slightly hungover and only in his t shirt, but cuddled into him, you look at him, “what did I do?” You ask.

“You threatened to stay mad at me longer for not sleeping with you last night.” He explains.

“Shiiiit…” you say, cuddling into him further, “I suck.”

Luke wraps his arm around you, rubbing his hand up and down your back. “You don’t. You were pulling out all the stops, though.” He smirks.

You sit up on your knees and look at him, “Luke…”

He rests his hand on your thigh, “what’s up baby?”

“Thank you, for being a gentleman last night.” You say quietly.

“I knew you were mad, and that’d make you more mad if I took advantage.” He shrugs.

“That was really thoughtful Luke.” You grin. “I promise I won’t stay mad at you longer.” You lean up and kiss his cheek, “now, don’t we have a flight to catch?” You ask.

“Yes we do, so we can get home to my other girl.” He grins, “Ms. P, so we’re clear.” He grins.

You shower with Luke, the first time since the day he mentioned he kissed someone else.

You felt ok holding Luke’s hand, now you had some renewed faith in the man. He had every opportunity to do what he wanted last night, but he thought about what it’d mean to you. Not everything was fixed, but this was definitely a step in the right direction.

“I’m really excited to see Ms. P and sleep in our bed.” You mention, walking towards the awaiting car, hand in hand with Luke.

“Me too, babe.” He grins at you.

You wave your farewells to the rest of the guys and head home. Luke’s too excited to go pick up Ms. P so you barely have time to set anything down before he’s grabbing his keys and pulling you to the car to get her.

“Should we pick up dinner or do you wanna order in?” He asks.

“Let’s just order in.” You shrug.

repercussions of the ramifications || pt 2 || pt 3 || pt 4 || pt 5 || pt 6 || pt 7 || pt 8 || pt 9 || pt 10 || pt 11 || pt 12

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @slimthicccal @softboycal @lietoash @pushthetide21 @5sosfanficrec @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @therealmrshale

gc tags: @sublimehood @sugarcoated-pain @5sosnsfw @angelbabylu @aspiringwildfire @irwinkitten @lashtoncurls @myloverboyash @singt0mecalum

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

[keare-linnua]

Mirror

Mirage/Wraith ficlet. +18 although I always write poetry instead of sex scenes lmao. Better safe than sorry tho. 1845 words.

____________________________________________

The first time they meet he has a gun against her head. 

She's chasing him down a flight of stairs in the old buildings of relay and he's running like he's being chased by a horde of demons. Three bullets wheeze above her head when she runs outside, she doesn't have much time till his squad reaches this place, but he's just there, around the corner, she can hear how he slams the door behind him. 

She tries to flank him but when she enters the room there are two of him. 

Two of the same men standing close. 

She goes for the left one, to her doom. 

It's a decoy but she's too close. She gets yanked by the arm, pushed around, he pins her to the wall, his forearm painfully pressed against her throat. She drops the Alternator. Kunai slices through the layers of his yellow suit but he puts a pistol right to her temples and so she freezes. 

They're both panting heavily from the run and he's smiling, which makes her grit her teeth, she almost wants to spit in his face. 

"Boom, you're dead," he whispers but doesn't pull the trigger. 

She wonders if it hurts. Will it make the voices finally shut up? The man in front of her has golden eyes and that's probably the last thing she's gonna see before it ends. 

He readjusts the arm on her neck. She can see his Adam's apple moving when he swallows, he also reflectively nervously licks his lips.

Why doesn't he pull the trigger? 

"Where's your team, huh?" He asks, brows furrowed. 

"I fight alone," she drones, she's angry, she's furious, why are they talking, he should end it right there. 

He does not. 

"Listen, I'd arp- appreciate if you'd take that slicer off my chest."

She slowly retracts the kunai and he immediately takes a step back. He's not aiming at her anymore but is wary enough to raise his gun any moment, she's pretty sure of it. 

"Okay, just... have a good fight, I guess," the man gestures towards the exit. He's letting her go?

"Why?" She demands answers angrily. 

Something snaps in his expression, he takes a step closer again, his voice is seething when he leans to face her.

"Just fucking go," he scoffs. "Kill someone for me, tell them I said hello." 

He turns his back on her and heads towards the exit. 

She picks up the gun and aims at him but hesitates for long enough for him to leave. 

There's blood on the knife. 

"Where's that girl who chased you?" Someone outside asks. 

"Dunno, she escaped. I couldn't find her. We should go to the ring," he lies effortlessly. 

*** 

The second time they meet she's sitting on the gym floor, sweating buckets, catching a breath after intense venting off on a punchbag. She's not happy to see him, to put it mildly. He either doesn't notice or doesn't care, sits on the floor next to her. 

"Hey, so, you've said you don't have a team?" 

She glares at him before reluctantly speaking. 

"I don't." 

He crosses his legs. 

"It's your lucky day." The same smug smile he had when he caught her appears on his face. "My teammates got themselves shot in the last game, I have no one to play with." He winks. 

"Bummer," she replies flatly. 

"Let's team up, you make more money if you don't just let yourself be thrown in with randos." 

Huff, is that what he thinks she's after? Desperate. She doesn't have time for that. 

"I don't care." She says, getting up. "I play alone."  

The talk is over, she walks away but he's persistent, he doesn't let go and follows her to the training area.

"You still mad at me for that in the ring? You can take me out if that makes you feel better," he pauses and she looks at him, unimpressed. "I'll buy the drinks." He winks. 

She yanks him by the shirt, pins him - submissive - against the punching bag. 

"Whoa there!" 

"Listen to me, I don't care why you came here, I'm not interested in anything that has to do with you, so just fucking leave. Me. Alone. You shouldn't have hesitated there. You have a new enemy."

She's smaller, but leaning her whole body against his in a mild threat, breathes almost the same air as she raises on her tiptoes to seethe the words right in his face. The corner of his mouth lifts up as she takes a step back. 

"Oh yeah?" 

The hit isn't marked and she, for once, doesn't expect it at all. But the reflexes kick in, she parries it the very last moment, jumps back to readjust but he doesn't give her the time, walks into her space, this time his fist hits right into her abdomen. She muffles a moan, retaliates with a powerful kick into the leg he's standing on. 

He flips on the mattress looking surprised. 

"You shouldn't. I'm better," she pants, walking forward to look down at him. 

She has no idea how his legs tangle around hers and the next thing she knows, she's falling to the side, out of balance. 

He jumps back at his feet and so does she. He cocks his head. 

"You're not. Shall we dance?" 

They trade hits one by one and Wraith has to admit she pours too much strength into this to call it sparring. It pays off though. The second time he lands on a matt he shows her both palms. 

"Alright, I give up." 

It's weird how it makes her feel. Her head is cleared, the angry buzz gone with the sweat. She considers her next move, staring him down. And she reaches out her hand to him. 

The man smiles gently when he's back at his feet. She crosses her arms. 

"You were good," she politely admits, looking him in the eyes with a challenge. 

"Thanks. The offer still stands." 

"I'll consider." 

She grabs the towel and leaves the gym. 

***

The third time they meet it’s right before entering the dropship. 

He flexes in front of the reporters, sends kisses to the cameras. She stands in the nameless crowd of participants looking at the show he makes. His yellow suit is torn at the chest, stuck back together with a duct tape.

***

The apartment has a glass ceiling through which she can see the stars and moons. It's ridiculously expensive but they've just won another game. She doesn't know which one is it, she'd stopped counting after the tenth. They can afford even the most awfully expensive hotel rooms. 

She has the same view in hers, it's just next door. But she chooses to sit with Elliott on a vast, pillowy couch. The wine is running out, she'll soon have to go. But as long as there's still something to sip from the glass, she'll stay and enjoy their comfortable silence. 

She stares at the sky peaceful, grateful she can be here.

"Why didn't you shoot?" 

He sounds surprised. "What?"

"The first time we've met, in the ring. Why didn't you shoot me?"

He readjusts on the pillows and with the corner of her eye, she can see he takes a sip of his wine, rests the glass at his knee and stares at the wall. It takes a few good minutes before he speaks again.

"Why didn't you run away? You could."

She doesn't have a good answer to this. She craved that bullet, that's a fact. And even if she doesn't say it out loud, he speaks up again.

"I've seen your deathwish."

"How?" Is the only thing that comes to her head. She turns to him slowly. 

Elliott looks up at her but not a single muscle twitches on his face, nothing that could help her read his thoughts. He takes a breath, opens his mouth but the last moment he puffs it out slowly. He puts the glass away on the coffee table.

"It was like looking in the mirror." He absently stares into the sky, the corner of his mouth lifts a little. "I guess I just wanted to cheer you up a little. To save you. From yourself." 

"We were just strangers. Why would it matter?" 

The timid smile is still on his face when he looks back at her. 

"I don't know. I guess I've just wished someone would do that to myself. Look through and help me." He leans a bit closer, his breath heavy, eyes burning with an emotion she hasn't seen in him yet. "Just tell me if I do something you won't like," his voice is but a murmur, low and confident, makes her forget to breathe for a second. She catches the air just the moment he closes the distance between their lips. 

A small whimper escapes her throat. 'No.' is the first thing that comes to her mind but she doesn't say it loud, she doesn't have it in her to deny trying the taste of his lips, she had been thinking of for quite a while. Elliott's hand cups her head gently, pulls her closer. She gives in to that lust, lets his hands explore her skin under the clothes as she slowly curls her tongue inside his mouth. 

He kisses every inch of her body as he slowly undresses her against the pillows. She trusts him completely, lets him do whatever he chooses to, trembles slightly when he gently spreads her legs to kiss her all wet. Her cheeks are burning with a blush when his tongue circles sensually at her sensitive skin. It feels so good but she wants only more and more. And when the orgasm shivers through her body she moans, looking wide-eyed at the dark night sky. 

She pulls him up by the shirt. 

"Take that off," she breathes out frantically trying to undress him.

He obeys with a smile, calms down her desperate need to feel him inside with a slow languid kiss. And then another. She gives in to that gentle pace he sets, lets him place all the small admiring kisses at her breasts as he thrusts into her sinuously. They make love under this glass ceiling, exposed to the stars that seem to blink back at them. And when she comes again it’s to the static noise of the void she’s not in control of anymore. Elliott, he tries to back away right after he moans out his orgasm next to her ear, but she catches him by the arms, panting she hugs his warm body, hides her face in his neck, nudges his tense muscles with her nose. 

He slowly relaxes into that embrace. 

“Can I have a request?” she whispers, puffing air through his locks and takes the lack of an answer as permission. “Can you live for me, till you find a better reason?” 

Elliott sniffs before he looks up at her. He brings her hand up to his mouth, kisses it closing his eyes. 

“Yeah, I think I could do that.”

[comicteaparty]

December 18th-December 24th, 2019 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from December 18th, 2019 to December 24th, 2019.  The chat focused on the following question:

What tropes and/or clichés are you perfectly fine with seeing in the webcomics you read?

Deo101

Like all of the cutesy cheesy relationship tropes. I love them all and I always will! Plenty more, but I find myself getting caught up in the relationship tropes the most. Specifically friends to lovers, but I also really like the found family trope. I know there are more tropes that I love but I can't think of them off the top of my head, so I'll probably just agree with others as the week goes on

indogswetrust

pass me the slow burn romance please thaaaanks

Deo101

that one too. Also hurt/comfort. Pump those into my VEINS they are my lifeblood... I shamelessly put every trope I want into my work so I can't judge other people for doing the same

indogswetrust

i’m trash

I’ve become more sssssophisticated as I’ve gotten older but I know what I like in a webcomic.

And it’s Adorable Behavior (tm)

Deo101

I've gotten less sophosticated. I thought I got more sophisticated but turns out I just got less shameful about the things i like

indogswetrust

Haha

I mean I used to really be fixated on comedy and now I’m more okay with things being ambiguous and complex? Ingress is a good example. I might have put it down two years ago but now I wanna see where Spicer and Toivo’s journey takes them

Fixated isn’t the exact word. whatever

Deo101

No I get you! Realizing you like more than just one thing and expanding your horizons is really important!

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I love the enemies-to-lovers trope. Any time a pair of characters goes from ‘I hate your guts’ to ‘take me now’ I’m loving it. That is, so long as one of them wasn’t being outright abusive during their ‘hate’ phase.

indogswetrust

Man that’s a delicate balance but also

Deo101

^ Fully agree. I just get a little too anxious about the "enemies" side of thing and worry they wont fully grow into lovers I guess! But if it's done well, Its an especially good one

carcarchu

i second the enemies-to-lovers thing i will never get enough of that trope

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

thirded

if I even smell a hint of it in a story, provided it's not overtly violent or abusive or otherwise horrible... I am hooked

kayotics

Fourthed... it’s a good trope

keii4ii

Now I feel like the odd one out for being neutral toward that trope. I definitely enjoy good examples of it, but otherwise completely neutral?

Evolving relationships is a good thing in general though, and enemies to lovers does fall in that category.

keii4ii

I have a soft spot for long lost superadvanced civilizations being unearthed. While it doesn't guarantee I'll fall in love with the story, it WILL grab my attention and at least get me to check it out.

renieplayerone

I dont really have any strong opinions on any tropes, but theres a really good channel on youtube that goes through and critiques tropes. I find it really useful for writing. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDb22nlVXGgcljcdyDk80bBDXGyeZjZ5e

keii4ii

(Please don't let my weirdness ruin anyone's enjoyment of the trope though, lol. I'm all for celebrating what you like! was just genuinely wondering if I'm the only one who's neutral about it!)

keii4ii

Also not an overarching story trope, but more like a type of a scene... I really like this thing (if this is a trope please tell me what it's called XD) A, B, C are friends. A and B are bffs. C is not as close. B talks to C about this while A is away. This is an honest conversation, not a malicious one. B learns to see A in a way they hadn't before, and it strengthens the B-A friendship. I'm not likely to start reading a story just because I know it contains this scene. But if a story I already like has this scene, it is likely to be my favorite scene!(edited)

I guess part of the reason why I like it so much is, it shows that the relationship (the B-A one in this case) is not insular. It's a real relationship between real people, who also have relationships outside of it, and the relationships have an influence on each other.

(And that's a lot of "relationship"s in a paragraph...)

eli [a winged tale]

Positive relationships and healthy navigations between relationship and life problems are my jam The enemies to lovers trope can be gripping because you get an additional conflict on top of tension. I thought the novel Red White & Royal Blue did a good job at that. Grant Snyder did a trope bingo for murakami and I thought it was fun to do the same for my works in progress. For reference: the murakami one https://www.google.com/amp/s/news.avclub.com/here-s-how-to-play-haruki-murakami-bingo-as-you-read-hi-1798271345/amp

keii4ii

omg

I NEED TO MAKE THIS for me/ comics I read

I mean I don't have a whole lot of stories, but it would be interesting to see what kind of common items get checked off across mine + my favorite comics combined

Capitania do Azar

wow I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm having a very hard time selecting the tropes I like best... I'm more of a "I know what I don't like and taking that aside I like being surprised"

Cronaj

All I can say is... Red Oni, Blue Oni (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RedOniBlueOni). This trope is seriously so good. My favorite thing about this trope is that the "Red Oni," or the hot-headed one, and the "Blue Oni," the cold or level-headed one, can be either friends or enemies. So it makes for a beautiful dynamic no matter what type of story it is. Buddy cops, competitors in the workplace, brothers, enemies, the straight man and the fool, you name it. Typically these characters are foils of each other, and their differencesbalways make for exceedingly fun interactions. Another favorite trope of mine, which I don't really know the name of, is where the seemingly hot/handsome guy is actually a dork who has no idea what he's doing. Everyone in the story thinks he's done everything, but really he's just a dopey, niave possibly shy and definitely clumsy virgin. But the social awkwardness only makes him inexplicably more appealing to the other lead. Cute

Ah! Another trope I have to add because it's basically my crack: Androids Are People, Too (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AndroidsArePeopleToo). I have loved this trope since before Detroit: Become Human, but the game certainly rekindled my love for it. Very genre-specific, but AI fascinate me to no end, whether it's in the real world, or in Sci-Fi.

eli [a winged tale]

Haha Cronaj are you me? Contrasting characters and robots who have feelings can get me hooked straight away

indogswetrust

lemme tell y’all about a trope I’ve noticed: the crazy lesbian. Like, The Favorite and Killing Eve and that Netflix movie about the violinists. Whoof. I am so tired of that

Cronaj

Hahahaha! I dunno maybe. I also have a protagonist in one of my novels named Eli.

eli [a winged tale]

The cute nerd who is fumbling but appeared to have it all together may lean towards the Mary Sue for me but if there is a true flaw (Tm) then I’m down

indogswetrust

I feel like gay men characters have been getting humanized and happy endings and that’s awesome! But lesbians have not been getting the same treatment.

bumbling and romantically inept nerds fuel me

eli [a winged tale]

What do you mean about the lesbian part, indogswetrust? I’m curious to know of the differences as I’m currently writing both

Cronaj

@eli [a winged tale] YES. I'm not gonna lie, I have definitely used more than one of these tropes XD And one of them may or may not be the fumbling hottie...

eli [a winged tale]

I wanted to link my trope bingo but thought it went against the pinned rules I can DM it to you if you’re interested and I’d love to play everyone else’s bingos

Cronaj

Oh hell yes. Lesgooooooo!

I have never made a trope bingo, but I really should

indogswetrust

Like, Love, Simon or Call Me By Your Name show gay men as people slowly falling in love and it’s tender and kind. But The Favorite literally has animal abuse in it and women sleeping with each other for power. I walked out of the theater. Same for Killing Eve, it’s about a spy and a murderer. High intrigue and drama but it’s obviously a toxic relationship from the premise

eli [a winged tale]

Oh no! You should check out Their Story by Tan Jiu)

It’s formatted like a webcomic as well though formally called manhua. It does the slow burn romance, humanizing aspect very well. I’m not well versed in the mainstream portrayal but certainly on the indie side, people are stepping up and writing very positive and healthy lesbian stories

indogswetrust

The indie side is great. Even “The Sea In You” (a webcomic) is frickin adorable

It just grinds my beans about mainstream portrayal

eli [a winged tale]

Loving the sea in you!

RebelVampire

A trope I will never get sick of is https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EverythingsBetterWithPrincesses , especially if https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ReallyRoyaltyReveal this is what happens in the story. I just...I really love royalty. I can't help it. I love the pointless traditions, the fancy dresses, the palaces, etc.. And even if that's not part of it, I still like it when some rando girl realizes that she's a princess and now has to deal with that idea that she has subjects she has to protect or something. Bonus points if she's a magical girl. I even like it when it's a reverse situation where it's an evil princess. I will never tire of princesses ever because the concept is always fascinating to me no matter which way its spun.

eli [a winged tale]

I love the fanciness of it all. All those lovely eye candy designs

Cronaj

Same... I have also used the Really Royalty Reveal, like..... Several times

eli [a winged tale]

The royal reveal when done well can be so powerful and validating

Kelsey (Kurio)

I have a queen ant character but no princesses yet

Eightfish

ooh are we talking about tropes we like? I really like mind reading/ mind control. But consensual. It's feels like the theme of trust taken to the extreme, where a character has such belief in someone they'd trust their mind / body to them. But I've only really seen it in some kid's books I liked (Young Wizards, Animorphs), and the only webcomic I've seen with this idea is my own, and I haven't even gotten to that part yet. Anyone have any recommendations? Ooh or a tvtropes link?

Erin Ptah (BICP 🎄 Leif & Thorn)

It comes up in the Murderbot Diaries -- the main character is a construct, basically a really-advanced android, and there are times when it lets a more-powerful AI pilot its body to handle an emergency that's unfolding too fast for it to keep up with on its own.

Eightfish

I looked it up and I do like the themes of androids' humanity. And it's a series of novellae, which, wow, that's very rare. Not sure I've ever seen that before. Do you recommend the book as a whole?(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP 🎄 Leif & Thorn)

I recommend the whole series, yes!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello! I was wondering if you had any advice for my scenario: I don't think I am anything but heterosexual (most of my crushes have been women) but I think I might be potentially interested in my best friend (to give a description, he's gay himself)? I dunno, I think about the possibility and I'm not entirely adverse to the idea. I remember even cuddling with him and liking it. I don't know what to do or how to feel. Any advice?

Hi Nonny!

First of all, it’s totally okay to be confused about who you are and what you’re feeling: despite what the media and bigots want you to believe, sexuality is fluid and sometimes it really is “straight with an exception” as cringy as some people make that out to be. 

Second of all, I’m not an expert, so this is my disclaimer to say that take my words with a grain of salt; I have never had any serious relationship in my life, but I’ve spent endless hours consoling my friends with my thoughts, so hopefully that will help you

Finally, I’m assuming you are self-identified as a male since you do offer a pronoun for your friend, and given the context of the wording of this ask, it’s the deduction I’m making here.

Now that that’s all done and done: IT’S OKAY. Sometimes, we discover things late in life about ourselves *coughs* either due to environment or our own ignorance, and when we take a moment to sit down and self reflect, the whole world suddenly clicks. It IS a scary thing to think you’re one thing but as our understanding of sexuality continues to expand pretty much daily, the more everything starts to make sense. Lovely, it could be anything from just feeling comfortable around your friend to actual attraction. I think with men, it’s difficult to parse those feelings because you guys are forced to not engage in them because “it’s not manly” or “you’re such a girl if you do” (which I don’t understand why that’s an insult but go off I guess). For that reason, my heart hurts for guys because societal norms dictate that you aren’t allowed to discover yourself. It’s slowly getting better, but there’s still a lot of work to do. 

So in that sense, Nonny, I understand why you may be confused and unsure, especially if you may have been brought up to bottle up those feelings or to not be allowed to self-reflect. I’m here to tell you: IT’S OKAY. Be emotional. YOU ARE HUMAN, and as such, we are emotional creatures. I’d rather you cry and talk about them than bottle up your emotions to a point where they convert into anger and bitterness.

So, back to your question after my little tangent there. I’m NOT going to label you, Lovely, that’s not my place, but many-a-people I’ve talked to mention similar feelings when realizing that they were bi- or pan- romantic/sexual, and only realized it later BECAUSE they were in similar situations or escaped confining lives that shunned anything other than the heteronormative.

Sexuality is a GINORMOUS scale that ranges from “not at all”(sexuality) to “very very”(sexuality) and there’s so much in between that, that it’s PERFECTLY NORMAL to possibly be “straight with an exception” if THAT’S the label YOU choose for yourself. I’m not going to tell you “nope, you’re bi, sorry”. That’s not my place. You know yourself better than some rando blogger on the internet, LOL. THAT SAID Lovely, I am going to encourage you to at least sit down and do a LOT of internal self-reflection, and reading up on sexuality on Wikipedia, or, just doing a bit of Googling I found the Bisexuality Resource Centre and I don’t know what its reputation is amongst other bis, but just like AVEN helped me as a STARTING POINT to understanding who I am, perhaps that site will also help you as you begin this journey. From there, like I did, you’ll find some terms and other books you can read and Google and begin to formulate your own opinions and understanding about you. Here’s an interesting article on wikiHow that talks about trying to define friendship from romantic feelings. And another one here from Psychology Today on Platonic love. 

So, where does that leave you with your friend, then? I think it’s important for me to note here that it’s VERY IMPORTANT that through your journey, you NEED to also take your friend’s feelings into consideration; PLEASE don’t lead him on if you have no intention of following through. It’s very possible that you and your best friend are just SO comfortable with each other that seeking physical contact is y’all’s way of expressing your appreciation and platonic love for each other. Chances are good, depending on where you live, that he feels constantly on-guard when he’s in public and when he’s with his family, so letting his guard down around you is a high honour that you should NOT exploit. Cuddle and hug, there’s nothing wrong with that; there IS such a thing and queerplatonic life partners / relationships (my best friends have this very thing, in fact), and you guys could love each other very much and get everything you need out of a relationship without sex.

Here’s where it gets tricky and scary, though, Lovely, and it may be better to address it before it morphs into something that will irreparably damage your friendship. I think in this case it may be worth talking to your friend about your confusion, but don’t necessarily say it’s because of him. Express to him that you’ve been having some feelings lately that you’re not sure about, and you’re currently trying to learn about yourself and his opinions and strength will be valued. If he is your best friend, he will encourage you and be a shoulder for you while you navigate your emotions. He should be able to provide you with that “in the know” knowledge of how you can understand yourself so that you will be happier and less confused. Men so often don’t talk about their feelings, and trust me, it will be beneficial to you in this case, I think. Talking makes it REAL. Keeping it to yourself only internalizes it and can fester wrong conclusions.

Will it become awkward between y’all? Maybe, possibly, or not. The cuddles may stop, if only so that you guys don’t get your feelings mixed up with your friendship. But know that everything will be OKAY at the end of it all. My self-discovery journey took 4 years, so it’s NOT an overnight thing. But having someone you trust to talk about it, and to acknowledge it makes you feel more valid. And in the end, if it becomes something else or not, at least you know a lot more about you and about where you want to stand in your relationship with your best friend.

Now, I’ve avoided saying this next bit up until this point because the important thing to focus on is YOU, BUT. There’s ALSO the slight possibility that you guys got yourself into a Sherlock-and-John situation where he’s ENDLESSLY pining for his only-dated-women-since-we’ve-been-together best friend, and he’s keeping quiet because he loves you and your friendship is more important to him than losing you… which is why he allows the cuddles with you. IF that scenario is the case, AGAIN, you guys NEED to talk about it so you’re not leading each other on. A strong friendship will survive an emotional upheaval / revelation like that, and even if nothing comes of it, you guys will still be besties.

Bah, sorry it took me so long to answer this, Lovely. I was crying the whole time I wrote this because I’m a sap and it reminds me of my own “oh shit I’m not broken” moment. That and I am SO worried that your friendship will break, but you guys seem to be very close so the TL;DR version of this is: TALK. Honestly, many problems are solved with open and honest communication, and having someone close to you hold your hand on your journey will be a welcome thing to have.

In the end, this is YOUR decision to make, so have a think on it, weigh your options, and do what your heart feels is right.

If any of my followers experienced something similar, or if I have erred anywhere, please feel free to add your own, Lovelies, so that Nonny doesn’t feel so alone and so that they can know that everything will be alright.

[inexchangeforyoursoul]

Luffy, son.... you are not supposed to serve tea this hot to people… (I wanted that to be its separate chapter, but it turned out to be waaay too short for that, and thus, a waste of ch numbers. Art incoming, too; because of that, this will be another “tumblr exclusive (for a while)” part.)

As I’m rather happy with this thing and it’s a halfway Law-centric chapter, I shall put it in the main tags. (this is a dumb LawXOC thing; this one seems to beee.... roughly 4500 words, attagirl)

This was the part that was fun to write even while unmotivated. I think y'all understand why. Now, for the less pleasant things, out of which I'm missing the next two or three chapters entirely… ho, boy. Now, this will be power writing. (Also thanks to anyone who might be here who might have written any of the anon messages I got to keep me going past this particular chapter???)

Ps.: do not ever sterilize your whole entire house if you have a kid. They are meant to catch things so their immune systems get stronger… and have work to do. Because if they don't, they get bored, and a bored immune system will look for shit to defend against anyway; this is how your kid gets allergies ranging from 10 pollens through animals to fucking SUNSHINE. They are meant to be sick a lot in the first couple of years, deal with it. And fucking vaccinate them, too.

31. We need to talk

8 o'clock; there's noone opening the door gently, nor is there anyone near-falling down the stairs. All is perfectly still.

Law drums on the desk with his fingers and sighs; he kind of saw this coming. Doesn't make convincing himself to go out and fetch the girl any easier, however. He's about as unwilling to seek her out as it is the other way round.

A good ten minutes later, he drags himself out of his room and up to the surface; it's relatively silent for a Saturday morning, but a lot of these idiots have been out partying, so whatever. He wouldn't be surprised if half of his crew was still out snoring on a bank or alley.

It's all the more scary when a masked rando pops up right beside him at the railing of the Thousand Sunny with a cheerful ‘yo, Kat’ as he starts checking on her whereabouts.

It's Luffy with one of those fucking… things. Looks like a cheap imitation, too. Seriously… if he didn't know it was one of these idiots, he would have gotten a heart attack. He's still way too jumpy in this body, goddamn.

“Strawhat-ya, honestly... does Kat-ya make a face like this all day?” he asks, with mild annoyance, pointing at his scowling self. “Also… take that thing off.” It's kind of creeping him out, now that he's taken a good look at it up close.

“Ah, right, it’s you, Torao… and nope, it's pretty rare,” Luffy nods, then plucks the mask off his head. “Found it between these big warehouses! Pretty cool, huh?”

“I'm not surprised it was ditched… Anyway, if even you can tell that much, then why do you keep mixing us up?” It's been like… no, not ‘like,’ it HAS been a week, for fuck's sake.

“Well, hugger you is definitely not you you, but otherwise... both Kat and Torao are worried, sad or angry most of the time, so it's hard to tell them apart, to be honest,” he states wondering as he drops the prop on deck with relative care and puts his hands on the back of his head to lounge at the railing. “Like today. And, whenever they are really tired, it feels like the prickly needle thing you get when your leg falls asleep. Everyone else tends to be more like... slow waves, when you stand in water.” He stretches one leg out and flaps the sandal to his soles.

“Huh?” What? Being talked about in third person is also weird, but… excuse him?

“The feel you two give off is pretty similar is all. Though I guess Kat is also more tense overall, at least she used to be. And she has a lot of weird jokes. That I usually don’t get,” he squints. Whenever the others find something she said funny and he doesn't get it, he feels left out, really.

“No, I mean… what would she be pissed off at?” And sad. And tense… He won't even try comprehending that other stuff. Anyhow, she can be the very literal definition of a nervous system at times, that's for sure. The very first thing he knew about her was that she was either really nonchalant about something, or about to have a panic attack, after all. And not exactly in the situations that matched those reactions... she shrugged off a date with the Reaper, but was really anxious when Nami dragged her off to get her cuts and bruises treated by Chopper on board of the Sunny two minutes later. But... halt, stop. It just registered… what does rubber boy mean by him being similar to her?

Luffy shrugs. “Dunno and don't really care. It's not even directed at anything, though... which is the weird thing about it.” He hops up on the railing to sit, then crosses his arms.

Law sighs… his observation haki will never be on this level. And the way Luffy formulates it is akin to an 8-year-old giving descriptions of a dream, which doesn't help, either. Reading faces and gestures can only get you so far, doesn't it.

Scowling a bit, Luffy eventually comes to a conclusion. “Maybe she just hates herself.”

The surgeon is a little taken aback by that; going by what this dunce just said, it makes sense, but... “Why would she...?” he mumbles mostly to himself, also crossing his arms. Going by whatever he could gather from Shachi and the rumors from her time in the dining hall, it did cross his mind that she might have some self esteem issues, that’s why he decided to be better safe than sorry and basically walk on eggshells when dealing with her. How she acts in general can support the idea, too, when considering some traits from another point of view…

“You are the one hanging out with her all the time, so why do you ask me?” Luffy pouts. The expression turns into a thoughtful one soon, then turns into mild worry.  “… do you hate yourself, Torao?”

In the blink of an eye, he and his body (that’s worryingly cold in the first place) both realize that it’s like twelve degrees Celsius at best outside, and that not taking a sweater over a thin undergarment and breezy, medium sleeved shirt was a Mistake™. “You're… overthinking it,” he responds while waving dismissively.

“Really? That's a relief!” the other captain sighs and puts a smile back on.

“... yeah.” Perhaps it all boils down to her having a similar way to handle her emotions? She did keep being in pain a secret, which is something he does, so that's one thing they have in common. But goddammit, Strawhat… don't just say things like this all of a sudden.

He peeks then up towards the garden, where rhythmic little thuds have been disturbing the silence for the past minute. They really ought to talk.

Right now.

This is much easier to do once Nami appears from the direction Kat could be, as the navigator won’t let her captain go alone and get himself lost again in town when latter declares his intention to go back, even despite his excuses of being able to see the Sunny from the church tower when it’s not dark. Having gotten rid of Luffy surprisingly quick this way, Law stops on the stairs as soon as he’s high enough to look around. He peeks towards where he suspects her being, and indeed, the noise that started somewhere down the line was caused by a dazed Kat. He weighs his options for a moment; on one hand, taking some time off is a reasonable way to handle this. On the other… if he leaves this up to the girl, she may never show her face again, which is no viable route for him to take. He’ll definitely have to take initiative.

Noticing the light steps closing in on her, Kat stops drumming her heels against the ship.

Law sighs. “Look…. I know I’m making you uncomfortable right now, but I really kind of need my body back as soon as possible.” … maybe not the best start, but he got the point across.

After a short pause, Kat bonks her head into the wooden pillar in front of her with considerable power, and takes a long, sharp breath.

Law watches in perturbed bafflement. Um… maybe… it was a bad start, after all.

“I’ll manage,” she sighs, straightening herself at once. “It’s hard to ignore, and cuts my productivity in half, but… is, what it is. I’ve kind of made peace with telling my boss as-is, too, so that won’t be bothering me.” She pauses the fast rant for a moment to cut the speed, and stares into the waves licking away at the side of the ship. She had enough time to think about this somewhat objectively during her short-ish wake around midnight and later in the morning. “And you… shouldn’t have to worry about it, either. Once you're all gone for good, it will fade away soon. Knowing myself, I might not even be able to remember your name in a few months, anyway,” she shrugs all limp. “I’m no good with names, so… it would be nothing new.” It’s a famous and super simple name that’s not hard to catch, so she likely will. Maybe even his surname, since it’s a funny one. No promises, though.

… twisting knives much? Sheesh, he never suspected her of being capable of such… savagery. And he thought Luffy was being blunt today… Generally, he likes both of their honesty quite a lot, but Kat saying that he’ll be deleted from mind as soon as he’ll be out of sight is… a bit too much. And frankly, it hurts like a bitch. If he was in any way unsure about how he felt about her until this, well... there are no doubts about it now. He better keeps all of this to himself, though.

After all... it really is for the best. Technically, good news, even. And he also gets her; it’s the pragmatic thing to do. Having any kind of amiable relationship with a pirate is not exactly easy. There's no sure way to reach them, and sending messages to someone endangers that person. Hell, they all could die the day after setting sail for all he knows. A part of him has an even deeper understanding of what she means… it's not about worrying about anyone getting killed, quite the contrary. She's sheltering herself from getting hurt, by simply staying indifferent. He handles strangers the same way, and did the same for the longest time while with the Family: laughing whenever he felt like it... helping if he wanted to, or if he had to... generally enjoying the company, but not building any meaningful relationships. The question is, though... how did she get there, to this mindset? Few normal people do that. It could be just the way she’s always been, but considering how much she strives to please people around her, and how sensitive she seems to be to other’s moods in the first place…

Who hurt her?

Getting no response and feeling his eyes on her back is getting to her fast; Kat puts her head back against the pole and continues. “... Sorry, that sounds... really mean... but I suck at keeping in touch anyway. People just... come and go?” She shrugs, then starts to swing her legs again, until her heels hit the ship and she stops with limbs still flailing about. “I have no idea what my kinda-friends from high school or college are up to, either. Even when I think about fun times and miss someone… I never sit down and write a letter or go visit. I don’t get any further than grabbing a pen, but… what even are the chances they still live where they used to, huh?” She puts on a bitter smile that fades away fast. “Am I... a bad person? For that?” Her voice is unstable and hoarse at this point. She takes a shaky breath, followed by a gulp.

“... no, you're not.” Not being able to keep up with people is okay. Being stuck in a cage of her own making is, though. He takes a moment of consideration, then joins her at the railing.

Kat stares down to where her hands should be through the white pillar as Law plops down, then speaks up after a short pause while holding back a sniffle. ”The other week, I was wondering... why none of them tried to hit me up, either. Ever. I guess I'm just... that insignificant...” The sniff escapes and she also needs to wipe off a tear.

“…” He didn’t plan on joining a therapy session, nor doing anything else past talking, but a good old shoulder pat is definitely warranted here, so that’s what he does. Realizing that the cold hand made her shiver is too little, too late, so he just rolls with it. “Now, now… you know like a dozen of infamous people as of last Tuesday, so that automatically makes you count for something.” Her self esteem really seems to be in a bad shape. There's definitely some asses that ought to be kicked on these islands, because this is definitely not normal behavior.

Cannot help but crack a smile at that. “If you say so.” She rubs her eyes. “Sorry, I went off tangent again.”

“As did I the other day… and? Got it out of your system?” Seems like she’s bouncing back at least.

“Kinda,” she breathes after a pause.

“Just kinda?”

“…” She rests her temples against the railing again, even though it’s starting to hurt, bump she just made notwithstanding. “Every now and then, I keep thinking… how there would be someone in my place to do all the things I do.” Her eyebrows furrow. “If not now, then later. I’m just another pebble in the sea, and it feels… suffocating.”

“… I see.” Oh, boy… this actually sounds like more zero filter stuff, but without drugs to make it weird. Which is iffy, since he’s far from being a psychologist. Well, is what it is… take notes, analyze, and most importantly, watch your fucking mouth.

“Like, I know it’s the same for important people, inventing and doing actual, impactful stuff. Because, there’s little difference in the grand scheme of things, is there? It just doesn’t matter whether something happens today or in a hundred years. Everyone is replaceable. As is everything else. What I wanna say, is… wanting attention… at all… makes me feel selfish. Even when it probably shouldn’t.” Feeling the hand on her shoulder makes it tingle… she’d move, if not for knowing that he would lift it off again.

“… Um…”  Okay… he might have stepped into this one hard. Aside from blinking wildly, because this has suddenly nosedived into deep waters… he needs a second here. The spaced-out girl he got to know in the past two weeks thinks about this shit regularly? She did seem less bubbly and way less excitable than she actually is at first glance, but… holy shit. She actually is pretty good at brooding herself. If he wasn’t so dumbfounded, he’d be impressed. “… wow, I… never considered the possibility that you could be a nihilist.” A very sentimental nihilist. That’s certainly what he takes from this. The conclusion is kind of enlightening.

She remains silent for a second, then squints. “... all I crave is death.”

Law lets out an exasperated sigh, then slaps her on the back of the head resulting in another light bonk. “Don’t you think for a second that I cannot tell the difference between you being serious and on the brink of grinning like an idiot,” he tells her off with the other hand on his hip. She may be trying to keep a poker face up, but none can do if she’s gonna use that overly dramatic delivery anyway. This woman, he swears to god.

And, as soon as the jig is up, there it is: the smile.

She reaches up to scratch the head area that stings a little after getting smacked. “Heh… sorry, had to break that gloomy mood.” Though, no lie, she does like talking about heavy stuff like that. If Law did not seem to be bothered by it, she probably would have continued.

“By willingly pissing me off?” Was that really necessary?

“Well… it worked, didn’t it?”

“Touche,” he breathes, crossing his arms. “But don’t make a habit out of it, if you know what’s good for you.” If she has actually figured out how to dig down to his berserk buttons, she’s playing with fucking fire, and he wouldn’t be surprised if she found enjoyment the activity. “I can fix myself up as soon as I get my body back, and rearranging your internal organs or face with, or without my powers, is not beneath me.”

She nods, humming. “I didn’t doubt for a second that you’d make a feisty kuja, alright. Will not overdo the gremlin act.”

“… good.”

After a silent pause, Kat stops rubbing her head. “… say, Law?”

He lets out a questioning hum.

“Are you in pain… because you were sick?”

“…” Is there a point to tell her anything if it’s so obvious in the first place? Oh well, she's asking, so… “Yeah. There are a few intergrowths I cannot really do anything with. Removing the lead deposits left my body aching at random, the bigger they were, the worse it is… you’ve probably noticed, but some areas like the left side of my torso and the right jaw are the main culprits. Those spots tend to act out a little even when everything else is fine. And I have additional god awful headaches when it’s too hot or cold outside and I don’t hidrate proper. These are honestly the worst aspects of it, no lie.”

“Act out like... Saturday evening?” When she first noted how something was a little off? It’s the only common experience they have…

He thinks for a moment. “Yeah, like that. The odd tissue that seems cancerous during a checkup, I can get rid of... but the fucking pain just won’t go away. Unless I kill off the receptors altogether, but that strikes me as an exceptionally stupid idea.” Even if it sounds really tempting at times. Maybe if he did it to his internal organs only…

“Wait…” Kat takes the first look at him today, and looks very much taken aback at that;  “did you say cancer?” As soon as he looks back, she averts her eyes again. Seeing him, save looking him in the eye, is just… not something she can handle at the moment.

He blinks at the reaction, but keeps his eyes on her for a second. “Heard me right. Don’t shit yourself, I can deal with it.” Looking back in front of him, he adds, “I’m also legally infertile, but that’s the least of my problems.” He’s unlikely to get old, too, but honestly… there’s only so many times you can cheat your expiration date.

“Oh,” she says a second later. And sounds quite disappointed at that.

“... don't you ‘oh’ me. You can have all the kids you want for all I care.” As long as her plans involve someone else, that is. … aw fuck, brain, don't you have anything else to comment on?

“Oh, no, no, no, it's just…” She gives the sideburns a scratching; “This is going to sound so stupid… but you seem like… the dad type?”

Law laughs out at the ludicrous idea. “Me? Seriously?” Geez, that’s so… out of the blue. Even more so than the being married line. Never even seen him with a kid around, has she? They just tend to shit their pants right away. He needs to put a hand on his temples to process this a bit… and to make sure there’s no headache caused by stupid on the way. “God… the hell makes you think that?”

“Well, for starters… someone like Luffy would drop his toddler into the ocean by accident, which you would… not.” As simple as that. From what little she’s heard about Garp’s parenting… even if Law happened to be on the strict side, there is, like, no competition here, honestly.

A millisecond of consideration ends up in a concerned, solemn nod on Law’s part. He wouldn’t want Strawhat oversee children in general, or at the very least, not leave them with him all alone. He out-dads him in any technicality regarding safety and common sense, so that’s a score.

“You still could be fun around, though,” Kat continues leaning back; “Like… you would totally do something like sticking them to the ceiling as punishment for being bad,” she muses with a little relaxed smile, pulling up some average family scenarios. “but, unless you are obviously angry with them, they would love it instead. You could experiment with pretty much everything from floating to chopping them up, but all would backfire spectacularly as they think of it as just another game.”

“... can’t argue with that,” the notes, raising a brow. “Little hellraisers be like that.” Punishing a kid that's acting out, well… Best bet would be the basic ‘send them into a corner’ situation instead of getting creative, huh?

“You’d also be the go-to solution for homework… despite not being helpful at all.” Definitely trolling the shit out of anyone who’s trying to use him for an easy pass… yes, yes. Would come through when needed, too, she knows that much firsthand.

“Correct,” Law nods with a smug grin. He absolutely would be the most useless genius around. It would drive them crazy and he would be enjoying the hell out of it. If they legitimately did not understand something, though… that’s actually negotiable.

Having seen enough of his self-assured smile from the corner of her eye, she addresses him directly. “... get off your high horse, Law. You might be a little shit, but you’d also be out-bawling anyone at any milestone your kiddos reach whatsoever,” she states with an amused look.

“Absolutely not,” comes the indignant reply; “Do I look like the sentimental type to you?”

She takes a long, thoughtful look at his general direction. “Look… I might not be able to guarantee it, but as far as I’m concerned, you would transform into the worst mess of a doting ‘pappa’ there ever was as soon as you’d be holding your firstborn.” First day of school and graduations would be just as bad, if not worse… god save everyone if he’s around for a wedding. Him sobbing in a tux while trying to operate a visual transponder is not a mental image she’ll forget any time soon. In fact, she’s going to treasure the hell out of it. Even if she’s more used to him looking like her, so it takes some extra imagination points to see him in his own body.

Her chuckle earns a very unamused face. “I won’t even begin to try and imagine what you just thought of, but really? Really really?”

“Ve-really,” she states while booping his nose, then gets her hand pushed off to the side. “Honestly… you’re saying it’s very unlikely in the first place, right?” She ponders, scratching her head while sitting upright again. “You can’t tell me that you wouldn’t be all over a baby? Beating whatever low odds?”

“...” She’s probably not wrong on that one. Up to eight, maybe ten per cent aren’t a lot...

“And let’s not even get started on the naming process… You have at least…” her fingers straighten one by one; feather guy, little girl, baby’s grandparents, and who knows, who else? “four, if not a dozen they’d have to pry from your cold, dead hands before settling for anything else!” He based his entire image on one of these people, for fuck’s sake. First boy would definitely get that name, whatever it may be.

… not to mention the chances of a healthy child…

“And… little ones are always sick or some shit, right? You’d go into doctor overdrive. Give them checkups like every fucking week, and be staring from over the bathroom door to make sure they wash their teeth, and… dude, I’d fucking hate to be your kid, oh my god!” At least it takes him like point five seconds to sterilize the entire house instead of scrubbing everything all day like a manic housewife, but holy shit…

“Kat…“

“I have no idea how you’d handle feeding them in any capacity, though… you run, like, exclusively on a handful of veggies, rice, potatoes… and chicken… and fish. And, you suck at cooking.” And the occasional drink. Would he be willing and able to make legit sandwiches…? He has no qualms touching the bread, made those French toasts, so that’s a start. This kind of presupposes him being allowed in the kitchen like a single dad, but still, she can’t help wondering how he would tackle that humongous elephant in the room if the need arises.

“Kat-ya, stop.”

The edge in the word startles her enough to delete the train of thought altogether. “Uh… um…” Did she say something wrong again? Did she hurt him? Or insult him? Is… is he angry…?

He sighs, staring into the darkness underneath the waves. “I suppose… you are right,” he says a few seconds later, his head also meeting the railing. “I am… the dad type.”

She stares down at her now interlocked hands; the images she found so amusing before…  look sickly and pale all of a sudden. A quick reality check has sucked all life out of them. Managed to fuck his day up again, huh?

“Dreaming… is dangerous,” Law concludes. The last time he did something like that… came with just another harsh wake-up call.

“… sorry. Didn’t mean to upset you.” Again.

“Eh, I’ll get over it.” However… he’s once again reminded of the fact that he’d been living to fulfill a singular goal for over a decade, and ever since he’s pretty much reached it, he’s been feeling… well, rather lost, to be honest. Stretch goals, like going against Kaido are a sufficient distraction at best. Sometimes he hears a little voice in the back of his head breaking through regardless before muffling it, talking about being tired of this life… bringing up the clinic of his own he's always wanted… having a home to return to.

Peace.

He knows better than to hope for any of that.

A single finger tapping his arm makes him realize that his eyes and nose cavity are burning up. This is followed by her barely audible, little mouse voice; “... Law?”

He takes a shaky breath and rubs his temples, sneaking in a finger to wipe away the half-ripe tear from the corner of an eye. “I’m fine, I’m…” he comes to a halt upon looking at her; “oh my god, are you crying?”

“... a little,” Kat squeaks after swallowing once.

Law snorts all of a sudden, then breaks out in painful laughter. The tears are also coming, but fuck it, because... while he’s hurting, this… also feels kinda good. Actually, it feels great. Talking about all of this… is great. She’s a better psychologist than he could ever aspire to be. Cafe girl… you are too fucking nice for your own good. Sincerely, fuck you.

As soon as the surprise wears off, Kat joins in, too.

After a solid minute or two, Law flops on the grass with hands covering his face. “... both of us… are kinda fucked up, huh?” he ponders out loud after the last couple of laughs. It’s kind of a dumb question; who even is not fucked in the head from all the people that he knows? He should have known that she was no different, even if the causes are still a mystery. No wonder the two of them can hit it off.

“I guess so,” Kat sniffs, rubbing her entire face that must be as red as it feels.

Sliding his freezing hands lower, Law stares skyward at the thickening clouds for a while. Laughing and crying are both exhausting… not to mention doing both at once. It feels like floating in a weird dream. Peaceful, even. Every weight has slid on his back, which is neatly supported by this nice ship made of pure sunshine, leaving him to breathe freely for the time being. He would say a ‘thank you,’ but it gets stuck somewhere in his throat.

He must be in really fucking deep, huh. Not that he minds, though… it feels really nice, after all. A little too much to be true, yes. But for now… he doesn’t want to worry about his short future. Instead, right here, right now... he just wants to enjoy this moment.  As much as he can. As long as he can. To the fullest.

[theincorrigiblemagpie]

Rishton Ka Chakravyuh (Episodes 65, 66) - Can we calm down with the Bollywood music?

October 23 & 24, 2017

Listen, all I want to do is keep up with my daily dose of Anami and Satarupa. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

Anyway, we’re doing 2 episodes together, cos whattodo about my asli dunya.

Right off the bat, fucken Harry, nincompoop cousin of the nincompoop Avdhoot, shows his kameenapan by grabbing Poonam with 2 of Avdhoot’s lame friends and trying to rape her in a billiards room.

Hereon, if there was ANY doubt about how they’re subverting (admittedly hamhandedly but I’ll take it) the traditional hero-heroine roles in a desi soap, may they be forever laid to rest.

Anami A) finds Poonam’s bracelet that she’d given her on the floor outside the billiard room.

B) bursts into the room in silent, shaking rage and a teary Poonam runs to her and hugs her for comfort.

C) after the two chelas run away, knowing what’s good for them, thrashes Harry within an inch of his life.

D) grabs a reluctant Poonam’s hand and drags them in front of everyone and makes Harry apologise to Poonam.

(LMAO that girl in blue at the back is the same Mean Girl who’d picked on Anami on her first day of college and later claimed to have befriended her. Good to see we invite friends and not complete randos.)

Ofc Kamini plays the typical upper caste/class bitchy slut-shaming aunty and humiliates Poonam and tries to blame it on her. Anami tries to talk sense into her but Kamini threatens to blow it out of proportion. And THEN.

Everyone’s Godmother Satarupa steps in. She gives Kamini false hope by saying, yes, it was Poonam’s fault.

And then finishes the sentence with “it was her fault ki Poonam didn’t give him a tight slap the very first time Harry tried to molest her and that she didn’t do what Anami did.” (Which is a very problematic thing to say, but very dramatically effective.)

Man, she put the fear of GOD in Harry by stalking toward him. Matlab, I could momentarily SEE a genetic resemblance between Narayani Shastri and Mahima Makwana, I tell you. What powerhouses.

She finished the whole scene by telling Kamini that she should thank her lucky stars Anami found Harry and not Satarupa herself because...

She literally leaves off there and we must infer that Kamini knows about Satarupa’s tendency to quietly get people who sneeze wrong bumped off.

Ofc Pujan tries to smooth things over while Kamini leaves with Harry. Ngl Kamini is a real babe and deserves better than to be married to this useless scheming Pujan and have a useless grown ass son and nephew. She shoulda gotten herself a sugar daddy instead.

Pujan promises deep vengeance (ofc because the Durga idol falling and breaking will be the ultimate apshakun and hence, revenge). Rolled my eyes so hard, they almost fell out of their sockets.

So, we have full band baaja and they’re bringing the idol in with shots that have come out of a white person’s wet dream of colourful, exotic Incredible India.

And OMG IT HAS A HALF OF A SECOND EXPRESSION ON ITS FACE. I mean the very pointless Baldev ofc.

Anami, our local Spiderman, notices a thorn stuck in one of the palanquin bearers feet amid all the chaos and bends to pick it out. Giving herself the perfect vantage point to also hear the loosened screw drop out and immediately dive under the palanquin to save the idol.

After a moment of panic, everyone is reassured as she emulates the Flavour of the Season, Baahubali.

No, seriously.

Like, people don’t even TRY to help this skinny SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD girl who has been FASTING all day to carry this massive idol that probably weighs more than her for the first 5 minutes. For show.

Then, we get Baldev grabbing one end and Satarupa grabbing the other end and Dadaji Vikram clearing the dropped embers in her path with his stick.

Not before he’s had time to process the whole thing and question his entire life and worldview, though.

How Hum Saath Saath Hai. If it was made by Ram Gopal Verma.

This is the face of a man who has messed up very badly all his life and only the tip of the iceberg has become visible to him and he suspects the presence of the Titanic wrecking monster below the surface.

Gayatri makes obvious statements about Anami being deviroop and being sent to protect Lal Mahal etc etc. Lady, I don’t think it’s quite going to pan out like that.

Anami places the idol in its spot and when the pandit wants her to start the pooja, Vikram is all “no, Avdhoot must do the puja.”

Once a chauvinist piece of trash, always a chauvinist piece of trash.

He does look shifty while saying it, though so Gayatri swoops in and tells him that this puja wouldn’t even be happening if not for Anami so he can stop being  a jackass. And also tells Pujan to shut it when he tries to intervene. With the happy result that Anami gets to do the puja. Which we’re made to suffer through with dramatic intercuts of Sudha wild-dancing with dhunuchi at her asylum all set to Jai Maa Kali from Karan Arjun.

I wish I was making this bit up.

Just going to leave these screencaps here because truly what cinematography but what jaatra-level writing, shyah.

(Note that Baldev has reverted to his usual stony glum-face. Like, why do they even pay an actor for his role.)

Dheeru makes a lone entry and skulks around. He joins the family conclave that forms after the puja where the adults talk about the future of Lal Mahal. Gayatri, Satarupa and Dheeru are all heavily and vocally pro-Anami and want Vikram to change his mind about Avdhoot. They use major puja metaphors to make their point. Pujan is stuck because he doesn’t want to be seen rooting for his son for selfish reasons while no one cares about what Baldev has to say (nothing), as usual. The man is an irritating cardboard cutout.

But THEN, I am reminded of why I fucken love this show and am still surprised by it when they tone it all the fuck down and VIKRAM makes the most logical point of all.

He points out that he’s willing to back down from all his prejudices and accept Anami as heir. But that will not change that Anami will not accept this family as her own. Royal Steel and Lal Mahal need stability which she will not provide because she has been uprooted from the only place she considers home (Benaras) and she will leave the moment she is legally able to. They need to accept that.

Yeah, Gayatri, even I hate it when chauvinist men make sorta vaguely legitimate points.

But then, Dheeru points out that he hasn’t given Anami that chance even. He’s sentenced her without allowing her the slightest room to prove herself.

AND THEN, Vikram finally relents because “Dheeru has never made a wrong decision for Royal Steel.” Whoa I think he’s referring even to the unexplained fall Dheeru took and went to jail for.

He says ki since Avdhoot has been given a chance to prove himself (LOL WHAT WHEN DID HE PROVE HIMSELF HE’S LITERALLY DONE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF PROVING HIMSELF ALL THROUGH GODDAMN SAVARNA PATRIARCHS), Anami should also.

Vikram will personally test the two of them and judge based on their capability (sure) and not their gender and take it from there. I can’t explain how much all this talk of (fake) meritocracy and inheritance gives me intense michmichi.

But it does lead to this hilarious scene which explains exactly how the two main interested parents feel about this situation.

Satarupa is like “I’ve already fucking won this just give Anami the crown and don’t go through this farce.” And Pujan is like “GOD FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.”

Oh btw, while this intense conversation is happening, Adhiraj and Tanya have arrived and all the kids start dancing to Nagada Sang Dhol (INCLUDING ADHIRAJ which is EXACTLY as awkward as you imagine it is). Can’t even screencap, I’m telling you. Avdhoot is genuinely at least in lust with Tanya? (YUCK) Harry is giving him advice upar se! Matlab MEN ARE TRASH. He was beaten up not 4 hours ago for being an almost-rapist. I hope Adhiraj beats both Avdhoot and Harry up solid (I won’t even consider it police brutality). Where is Ila, man? Why is she missing the awkward fun?

Also, I was mistaken. Everyone is aware of everyone’s identities, it seems. There is no surprise at Adhiraj’s appearance and Avdhoot clearly knows Tanya is his sister so they know he’s Dheeru’s son? Dheeru also had figured out that the girl he met on the road is Anami of Lal Mahal. I dunno, I may have missed stuff when I tried to catch up on 40 episodes together. But then why were Pujan and Baldev treating Adhiraj as just a CBI officer when he brought Anami home after the chemistry lab accident? Surely they should’ve brought up his connection to Dheeru to taunt him better?

Possible continuity errors, methinks. ANyWay, tomorrow we have nutty Sudha’s desperate bid to force Anami’s hand and come to Lal Mahal by trying to commit fake suicide. Fun. Not. Honestly, Sudha and Baldev deserve each other and Satarupa needs an intense, powerful, interesting man who has some conflict of interest with her but is also drawn to her. And while we deserve decent women friendships, I also am teetering on shipping Anami and Poonam because that was some relationship-y symbolism in the beginning. 

Whatevs man, just give me Satarupa and Anami (and Gayatri) dealing sick burns to the men and I don’t care about anything else.

[endlessceaselessboundless]

Humanity & Faith & Fan service

So the only other real life person I know who watches SPN is what you’d call a casual viewer. She thinks it’s fun, she likes watching them kill the monster of the week, and she thinks Cas and Dean are just really good friends. 

She finally just watched the first 4 episodes of S13 and I was dying to hear what she thought since I knew she didn’t ship it. And after watching those eps, she still doesn’t. Which is mindblowing and completely fascinating to me, because I felt like the show was really bludgeoning us over the head with the Dean and Cas love story during those eps. 

We discussed some moments from the show, Dean praying in the first episode for God to bring back Cas (and everyone), the Cas/Mary beers at the start of ep. 3, the mix tape and “I love you” scenes from S12, and basically she waved all of that away. A mixture of fan service and misplaced emphasis it seems. 

Now, I have also just finished reading, The Things They Carried for my book club, and the rest of this is gonna get cray cray, so it’s under the cut. 

The Things They Carried  is about the Vietnam War, and the author talks a lot about what makes a “true” war story, and basically he says all the stories he tells in the book are not true, but that they happened exactly like this. He breaks up several of the stories with his own sort of author commentary about truth and how a story should work. He says, “All you can do is tell it one more time, patiently, adding and subtracting, making up a few things to get at the real truth.”

This is so true, because this is how stories work. If we told a story exactly as it happened and included every possible detail then the story would be terrible (I know b/c I have a tendency to do this and everyone looks terribly bored in the middle of my stories). ALSO because the story likely involves people we can actually never know the whole story because some part of it, some very important parts of it, are locked in their brain forever. For instance- when Cas says “I love you” in S12, we must all interpret that in the way that best makes sense to us, because it is just never clarified. Cas’ final and real intentions in that scene can only be guessed at, I mean he was dying! Maybe he wasn’t even sure what his intentions were. That’s why we can never know the full truth about a story. 

That’s what I think Tim O’Brien the author of The Things They Carried meant when he said “making up a few things to get at the real truth.” Dean and Cas and Sam are never going to just tell us the real “truth” if they did the show would be terrible. Also, we often don’t know the real “truth” ourselves, so keeping the characters from telling us the truth is part of what makes them believable. 

When I told my non-shipping friend about the number of Cas beers versus Mary beers that Dean had next to his bed at the beginning of ep3 I was talking about something SPN had made up to get at the “real truth” of that scene and Dean’s headspace. This is ep.3 after all, we all know Dean is sad, the real “truth” of this scene is exploring what that sadness is about because we already knew he was fucking sad. The number and types of beer he drank are all part of explaining  the sadness, it’s showing the viewer something to get at the “truth” of his sadness. 

Now truth is highly flexible in some cases, and the thing that has really been pinging around my brain since we talked was her dismissal of certain things as fan service. The mention of fan service suggests that the scenes in question are not as legitimate because they were done to appease a certain faction of fans. That's the “truth” that some casual viewers live. I’m not terribly familiar with fan service, I thought it was just when anime girls wore skimpy clothes for no good reason, but apparently Dean giving Cas a mix tape off screen and then them having a convo about it later is also fan service. This seems wrong to me. 

Here’s the thing though, one character dressed in a sexy manner is not going to impact your plot that much, but creating a bunch of deeply emotional scenes between two major characters on a show, now that’s going to change the nature of your show.  So what is the nature of our show? I would argue there are several levels, there’s that casual viewer level where it’s just fun to watch the brother’s kill monsters and save the day. There’s a deeper level where SPN, like any good story, is about what it means to be human. Obviously, the deeper level covers a lot of ground. After 13 seasons we also have to accept that the nature of the show has changed. Sam and Dean are in very different places in their lives than when we started in season 1. The things they want, the questions they are asking themselves are very different. So....what is fan service then?

Season 1, the episode “Hookman,” Sam and Dean are at a college party trying to talk about the case. Sam looks uncomfortable, Dean wants to have some fun, he’s already making eyes at the party goers and scoping out his chances for the night. Fine. We don’t see who he’s looking at, it could be anyone, this could be Jensen ad libbing because Dean is into PEOPLE, he’s into SEX. Fine. BUT THEN a male extra walks into the frame and has a reaction to SAM and DEAN has a reaction to this. Sam is reading something and does not see this guy who is...checking him out? It’s unclear, pesky humans not revealing their true intentions! But DEAN CLOCKS THIS GUY IMMEDIATELY and has a STRONG reaction. He grabs Sam and moves him away and we cut to them in a different room of the party. Now it’s clear this WAS ALL INTENTIONAL on the part of the show. Someone had to tell that extra what to do and I wish,OH GEEZ I WISH SO HARD SOMETIMES, that I could know what the direction to that extra was. This is a tiny scene, it’s only a few second long, but it’s there to show us something about the characters. It shows us that Dean knows what’s up, he knows when a guy is cruising and he doesn’t want Sam involved in that, they don’t have time, Sam wouldn’t be interested, he’s a little jealous that some guy is checking out Sam and not him, could be anything, we don’t get to know what his final personal inner thoughts are. It shows us that Sam is disengaged from people, he’s not a partier, he’s still upset about Jess and he’s not looking for a good time, he’s looking for revenge, he’s looking for death, so he misses all the life going on around him, including the sex. 

What was my point again? Jensen is dreamy? I mean always, but no not that, Dean is bisexual? Yes, but more importantly it’s been there, it’s been intentional, it just wasn’t part of the plot. So was this small scene fan service? It would seem to suggest that Dean has a different relationship with men than Sam but at this point in the show none of the fans were asking for that, so is this not fan service? The nature of the show in season 1 was very different from where we are now - Sam and Dean didn’t have love interests because they were both going to die or the show was going to end after Season 5. So why was this short scene there? It was there because it makes things interesting, it reveals thing about our characters, gives them more depth.  

But now look at SPN, we are 13 seasons in and what are these two guys doing? I mean WHO are they doing? Because as Sheila O’Malley likes to point out in her recaps Sam is NOT getting laid enough. Even Dean has really slowed down in the one night stand department. Inevitably as we age we think about our life, what is our legacy? Oh wait, Sam and Dean have totally been talking about this for like 3 or 4 seasons now because they have finally reached a place in their lives where it makes sense to talk about it, to wonder about it, to look at your devastatingly handsome bestest bud angel and be like “You know what? Maybe I DO want to know the name of the person I wake up to in the morning.” Because maybe Sam was right back in Season 8 and ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD except this one sexy, sexy angel who’s been there through think and thin, the end of the freaking world and he still just looks at you with those sad, sexy eyes and what else are you supposed to do? Find some rando girl? No, I don’t think so. Also Sam was into that Eileen girl (as the representation of official culture this makes perfect sense for Sam, good job Sam. Sorry they killed your girlfriend). 

But, oh no! I made it about sex, which is apparently just me being a perv when it’s two dudes. If anything I think it should be about sex, because dudes, life is fucking about sex! That’s the whole point and that’s who Dean Winchester is, he is humanity, I’ve felt strongly that he should be canonically bisexual ever since he held up a whoopee cushion in, I dunno, season 4 or something and I realized he was the embodiment of humanity. It also makes sense that he should be in love with Cas, the representation of Faith on the show. Where would humanity be without Faith after all? We would be no where, we would all be monsters. I’m saying this as a devout atheist, so I don’t mean faith in God, SPN has clearly stated that God is not the answer, God will not be there for anyone. What we have to have faith in is ourselves, in each other. We have to have faith in the idea that we are enough, that we can overcome the challenges life throws at us and keep on living, keep on being good. 

So yeah, don’t tell me stuff is fan service. I’m not buying it. The show has a very consistent worldview you could say, and Dean and Cas’ relationship is a big part of that, it makes sense. I don’t think it’s invalid just because a bunch of fans like it and want more of it. That’s dumb. It becomes a chicken vs. egg argument. Which came first - the themes and symbols the show is working with to tell it’s story or the fan service of Dean and Cas making eyes at each other? *exasperated face*

If I could just bring this back to The Things They Carried, O’Brien says about people who misunderstand his war stories -

“It wasn’t a war story. It was a love story.”

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week forty

oops

brief considerations of the songs which debuted on billboard on 10.11.1997, 10.13.2007, and 10.14.2017

10.11.1997

1) "Candle in the Wind 1997/Something in the Way You Look Tonight," by Elton John

princess diana seemed like a nice person and i don't agree that it is good that she passed on. i think she should have continued to live, and finally, i found a song that agrees with my worldview.

44) "Too Gone, Too Long," by En Vogue

So real talk this is late because one week I saw two Post Malone songs and I said fuck it because, like, it's, and I just, I don't think it's fair when older generations yell at younger generations? But the average '90s R&B track was infinitely better than the average '10s anything. You could drive down the street bumping the radio and a song like this, with that small miracle that happens around the 3:00 mark, and this would be like the seventh-best song you'd hear. Kids these days are just listening to songs that don't make any stabs at greatness, they just exist in a way that doesn't motivate you to change the station. The problem is with the children. I'm not actually talking about this song, I'm talking about the way people consume music. This song is heckin' great and everyone should listen to it 20 times and then try to get through a Post Malone song.

58) "Heaven," by Nu Flavor

In this overly intense '90s R&B slo jamz, the R&B boys plead to God to convince this woman to fuck them. That sentence is the last thing I wrote for YAS before taking a weeks-long sabbatical and I'm glad I found it.

63) "Love Gets Me Every Time," by Shania Twain

Where do we rank Shania Twain in the diva pantheon? Like, this is a song with a hook I recognized when I heard it, after 20 years of just not thinking about this song I heard "dolgurn gone and done it" and was like "oh yeah! This jam!" and not all singers can dig that deep into your memory, but in terms of historical import, where does she rank? You can't really argue that "country needs a rep in the pantheon" because um hello? Dolly? but there's at least four Shania songs that are absolutely legendary. Does that merit inclusion among the greats? Or is Shania just on that second tier with a Kelly Clarkson or a Carrie Underwood, reliable but not as powerful as the women we'll tell our grandkids about?

65) "Electric Barbarella," by Duran Duran

One of the things that struck me as odd about the film Sing Street was the reverence with which the film treated Duran Duran. I always sort of thought Duran Duran was a boy band, but there was a film set in the heyday of Duran Duran's popularity, with a scene where an older brother extols the virtues of Duran Duran's musicianship to a younger brother, and I'm just like, "I never would have guessed this band was at the vanguard of new wave?" But I guess maybe they were a less dark Depeche Mode and I should check this out because this song from 1997 probably isn't indicative of peak Duran Duran? Hello welcome back to YAS I'm already asking questions to no one instead of offering criticism, it's like I never left.

70) "They Like it Slow," by H-Town

Sometimes, when you abandon a project for a while and come back, you notice things about the thing you're doing that you never would have noticed if you had worked on it in the last two months. To that end: I just realized all the 1997 and prolly most of the 2007 music videos were shot in 4:3. Like, when they filmed these music videos, they were composing shots with the idea they would be on TVs. That's kind of interesting! Like, when you go to film school, you probably have the idea you're gonna direct films, so having to compose shots for a smaller aspect ratio probably fucks you up a little bit. Anyway, I can't tell if this '90s R&B slo jamz is a parody or not.

87) "A Smile Like Yours," by Natalie Cole

"I have seen the bluest skies/Rainbows that would make you cry." It's absolutely amazing which lines in these songs gain significance from 20 years of events. Like, that line about rainbows takes on a whole new meaning now that we've all enjoyed and then forgot about the Double Rainbow video.

91) "Alright," by Jamiroquai

groovy! i’m okay with this! this is like what all the calvin harris songs would sound like if they were good.

92) "Spin Spin Sugar," by Sneaker Pimps

there's so much cool stuff happening in this song and i really just wanna sit down and get to know this band a lot more because they've always seemed like something i was supposed to like and now i realize that i do actually like them, unfortunately WE'RE LISTENING TO 100 SONGS TONIGHT GOODBYE GOOD SONG I WILL KEEP THIS MEMORY WARM IN MY HEART UNTIL THE END OF TIME

10.13.2007

58) "Tattoo," Jordin Sparks

This is a song that just barely missed the lyric video trend. If any song needed to have words appearing on random actors' skin, it was this one, it would have been such a no-brainer decision. Like, you do it right, hire some calligraphers and tell them to take it up a thousand notches, you have a classic lyric video. Wasn't e'er to be, though. Just a standard music video, and I guess a nice song? It's very2007. It's very the sort of song you'd give to the winner of a forgettable Idol season. "Oh, that? Uh, yeah, keep it. It's either going on this album or in that trash can, might as well use every part of the buffalo that is my brain."

80) "The Way I Am," Ingrid Michaelson

this is the sonic version of a scarf worn indoors in june

86) "Our Song," Tay Tay

"Our song is a slammin' screen door." Did you know Tay Tay's dad was an investment banker? I have reason to believe Tay Tay's only seen a screen door in movies. I dunno. Do rich people have screen doors? I've never been in a mansion, but I don't think screen doors would be appropriate for mansions.

91) "Shoulda Let You Go," Keyshia Cole intro./Amina

I like how Billboard gave Amina an "introducing" credit. You don't see that in music nowadays. Now it's just "hey this 17-year-old has a million plays on Soundcloud, what do you mean you 'haven't heard of him,' he's already been responsible for thirteen memes and they're all dead, we're actually over him already, he's lame now." It is now known that Amina was actually a woman who was okay at rapping. The point still stands, I'd at least like to know that the randos on these songs are people no one but the people who made this song know.

96) "Hypnotized," Piles ft./Akon

"I know she wet 'cuz she told me." I don't know why, but this line tickles me! "Piles, you got me so wet." "YO, SHE'S WET! I MADE HER WET, GUYS!" "You touch mine and I touch yours." Piles must be hypnotized because in my (admittedly limited) experience with his work he doesn't seem like a man who gives head. He seems like a man who needs to be coerced into reciprocating pleasure.

97) "Nothin' Better to Do," LeAnn Rimes

OK so real talk, while I was listening to this song I got distracted because I realized I hadn't updated my Poke Bank subscription in like a year and I have so many precious little babies I need to keep forever, and you know what? This is a fun song. I didn't really need to pay attention to it! It's a song about being naughty that keeps it PG enough to play on country radio, and I wouldn't mind bumping into it again!

100) "Fake It," Seether

So Amy Lee and the dude from Seether broke up. After the break-up, Evanescence hit first with "Call Me When You're Sober," which isn't a particularly devastating song, but the title is incredibly unsubtle, and, like, Seether's a shitty post-grunge band, of course he's an alcoholic, and Amy Lee is right to say "yo I'm kinda done with this, I don't like dealing with the drunk you." Seether strikes back by saying Amy Lee is a liar and that he "feels so raped," and Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gonna go ahead and say that's #problematic! Amy Lee made a dumb but fair song about how she was out of patience, and here comes Donald Trump by way of Creed to say "YOU ARE RAPING ME WITH THIS BREAK-UP." Like, I'm gonna go ahead and say that the part using rape metaphors to describe their feelings is the one in the wrong in this mediation.

10.14.2017

65) "I Fall Apart," by Post Malone 100) "Go Flex," by Post Malone

i could have spent eight minutes sitting perfectly still listening to ambient noise and have had the same emotional reaction. "never caught a feeling this hard/harder than the liquor i pour." oh fuck off already.

70) "Good Old Days," by Macklemore ft./Kesha

FINALLY. The pop music gods have heard my prayers: Macklemore rapping about nostalgia. Everything I love, in one delightful package! ...He shouts out Minnesota and this is probably gonna end up being the best song from this week because of that and also because this week is lookin' pretty horrible.

94) "Losing Sleep," by Chris Young

OK so real talk during this bro country joint I got distracted because I was looking at new music releases and APPARENTLY THERE'S AN ANIMATED MOVIE BASED ON "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU?" IT WAS MADE THIS YEAR? THIS YEAR. YOU CAN BUY IT ON DVD TODAY AND OWN IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. I'm sorry. I'm not going to bother processing whatever bullshit this song is about, sex I guess, because THIS WORLD IS CAPABLE OF SO MUCH MORE. This is a movie. This is also a movie which presupposes that this entire time "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is about a puppy that Mariah Carey needed for a... charity fashion show? "Great! We're short one girl with a dog!" "Oh..." This is a cinematic masterpiece and my life is better for having stumbled across it. This and Pokemon Christmas Bash.

95) "Like I Loved You," by Brett Young

So the writer of Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You is one Temple Mathews, who has also written The Little Mermaid II, Peter Pan II, and 101 Dalmatians 2. That is a fucking nuts credit roll, Temple. Dude also goes multiple years between projects, which suggests to me he's like someone at Disney's cousin, and every couple years that person at Disney goes "hey, Temple, wanna make $100,000?" and Temple says "fuck yeah bro" and Temple just lives off that. He makes smart investments and lives in a cabin in Montana and has never actually seen a movie because why would you look at pictures when you've got mountains in your backyard? Temple is living the best life. Dude's my hero. He has someone describe a cartoon to him and writes something based off that and never has to write a second draft.

97) "Round Here Buzz," by Eric Church

Listen, if Eric Church is gonna give us repeats of songs he's done before, at least he's giving us repeats of "Give Me Back My Hometown." It's a slower, sadder version of that song, one that can't be misconstrued as an "I'm poor AND PROUD OF IT!" anthem, this is a song that can only be about a dude thinking about a girl living a life without him while he lives a life with her ghost, but also "Give Me Back My Hometown" is more fun? I dunno, this still prolly gets 2017 SOTY, I've just heard it before. Also, Eric Church? Welcome to the Decade Dance Club. You are the 36th member, and the tenth white male country artist.

98) "Plain Jane," by A$AP Ferg

ok nvm this is song of the week, simply because in the first verse Ferg raised and lowered the volume of his voice. this song went somewhere! this song actually did something! it didn't just bleep and bloop for three minutes or be about how it's nice when things are good, Ferg had things he wanted to say and delivered his lines with actual emotions! he did the bare goddamn minimum, and by 2017 standards, that's pretty good! i'm actually going to remember this song a little bit!

Who won the week?

1997. Like, of course 1997 won. It had Sneaker Pimps and Shania, if 1997 lost to these other wack-ass years it would’ve been stunning.

Standings: 1997: 15 2007: 12 2017: 13 oh god all the songs for the next edition look awful, welp

[simonxwest-blog]

sexy nerds & foulmouthed boys

Parties: Carter Sinclair and Simon West

Location: Carter’s Home

Summary: The two get together, play a little game, get to know each other a little and of course flirt

Triggers/Other Notes: Oddly not even much in the way of smut, some historical revelations of death and conflict in Carter’s pack but otherwise no significant triggers. 

@sinxclair

Simon walked up to the front door of Carter's place and had to admit he was impressed. It was a pretty place. All these rich assholes. How the fuck did he end up here? Then he thought of the small part of Jace's hoard that he was gifted and realized that one day, if he wasn't a stupid fuck, he would be a rich asshole too. Shit. Simon tapped on the front door and waited for the sexy nerd within to come and let him in. He was here to pick up some bio notes. He wondered what non-existent outfit she would be wearing this time.

Carter was excited for her guest. She didn't have many and having him around was always a good time, but she really seemed to like those few moments where she opened up and carried a conversation, not that she didn't like the fucking, but talking was different and most certainly welcome. The wolf had an idea. He wanted a nerd, he'd get the nerd she was in high school before her curse was triggered. Putting thought in her outfit, Carter laughed at herself when she looked herself in the mirror and looked identical to her high school self pre-curse. It wasn't that Carter was unattractive, but now she was far more developed than she was in her all-girls, catholic school getup. Running her fingers through her hair, she tugged at her thigh high socks and went over to slide the glass door open. "Bonjour," she winked, "so this whole thing had me thinking, maybe I could find a duplicate of my old uniform and I kinda did! the patterns is the same," she giggled softly, adjusting her glasses, "and my specs, as you requested. What do you think? Nerdy enough?" She teased him

Simon's mouth fell open at the sight of Carter in glasses and some high school girl outfit. "Damn woman. You are the definition of sexy, just like that." He stepped through the doorway and dusted a kiss over her soft lips. "The fact you were a private-school girl really amps the nerd appeal. So how are you anyway, nerd?"

Carter leaned up to return his kiss as she stepped aside. "Can you believe I used to dress like this every day?" She scoffed softly, "Oh, I'm doing wonderfully, totally excited for the school year. What about you? It's been a little while since I've seen you," she smiled.

Simon laughed, "I have a hard time believing you looked this well-behaved every day. "Kinda looking forward to classes too. More than last year." He shrugged cheerfully. "Yeah, just been spending time with people, cleaning up post-party, shit like that." He strolled in, looking around, but quickly his gaze returned to Carter. He held out his hand to her, "Come here." he instructed.

Carter "really? Well, I guess you'll never really know," she teased, closing the door behind him while he looked around, waiting for a reaction before she rose her eyebrows when he held his hand out for her. Frowning curiously with a smile, she placed her hand in his and searched his face for his next move.

Simon tugged her close, sliding his arms around her waist and leaned in to kiss her soft, full lips. "You are so fucking gorgeous but I think I want to play a game.... do you want to play a game with me?" he asked with another kiss

Carter placed her arms around his neck when he pulled her close, she gently brushed her leg up against his before propping it up on his waist, her chest pressed to his while she returned his kiss, "you want to play a game with me?" She smirked, "sure, babe, I'd love to play."

Simon laughed, "Good girl." He kissed her softly and cupped her thigh and then her other until he had lifted her up completely. "So I think I want to get to know you more. Seems you have figured out that smarts make me a little hot under the collar and you've been hiding all of yours under this very sexy exterior. Packaging is all well and good but I want to know you better so I have a little game in mind."

Carter was caught completely off guard that someone wanted to get to KNOW her. If she'd been the self before she left, she'd probably would have asked him to leave, but this new and improved Carter was open to communication and working on opening more about herself. Among the many things she learned from the elders, that sort of thing was important to people and making connections and building relationships and friendships, she nodded, "okay, that doesn't sound bad, although, you'll learn that I'm not a very gracious winner.." she laughed softly, her hand on his cheek while her arm moved around his neck while she looked down at him, her heart beginning to race at the thought of sharing about herself, "...but I'm in."

Simon chuckled. "Good girl. I knew you could be brave." he teased with a laugh. He carried her over to the couch and couldn't resist patting her gorgeous ass before setting her down on the furniture. "All right. Here's the deal. We're gonna play cards. You ever play War? Every battle I win, you gotta answer a question. Honestly and nothing pitiful like yes or no or just some lame joke. We're talking real shit. You get to pick a prize too. Anything you like?" Simon circled around the coffee table and took a seat as he pulled a pair of deck out of his pocket. He pulled out the cards from their packs and started to shuffle. "Any questions so far?"

Carter "please, I'm amazing," she playfully flipped her long, dark hair over her shoulder and laughed softly. Frowning softly hearing the name of the game, it quickly occurred to her that she had played this game with her friends, "oh, la guerre!" she nodded, more sure of herself and looking over to him when he began explaining the rules of the game, she nodded, "okay, I like it, let's play," she pulled her hair up into a ponytail and crossed her legs as she leaned toward the coffee table. "Not yet.."

Simon couldn't help but think that if she thought the ponytail detracted from her insane hotness, she was sorely mistaken. He dealt out half the deck each and slid one half over to the brunette beauty. "All right. Sounds good. Ready?"

Carter sitting up straighter she smiled excitedly, picking up the corner of the top card waiting for her queue to flip the card, she smiled, "I'm so ready," she covered her mouth and giggled softly, "I'm so sorry, I love games," she laughed at herself, "alright.." she nodded.

Simon laughed. "Well there's another fact to add to the Carter pile. Getting bigger ... and better all the time." He gave her a nod and together they started flipping cards until they found one that matched. "War." He laughed out before laying down three face down cards and one face up, revealing a ten of diamonds. "Your turn gorgeous."

Carter "god, very unlikely, but the vote of confidence is welcome," she scoffed softly. Pursing her lips, she looked down at the cards, raising her eyebrows when she flipped her card. Two of hearts. "Mmm, lucky," she smiled, slightly sliding her pile of cards.

Simon grinned, "Are you kidding, sexy, smart, competitive ... you are just trying to distract me from kicking your ass at this game." He laughed as the cards were pushed toward him. Collecting them quickly, he organized them into a pile and added them to the bottom of his deck, "Let's see, tell me about your very first crush?"

Carter "don't try to flatter me, you're on my territory now," she laughed. "First crush? Hmm.." she thought, "okay, I was 16 and I had a crush on this guy from our brother-school and he was perfect, you know?" she took a deep breath and sat back in her seat, her hazel eyes skimming across the ceiling to retrieve the memory. "He was a senior and blond and he had some really cool position on the football team, the whole cliché," she smiled, "and I fawned over him for weeks before my best friend at the time picked up how I was practically in love with him and about three months later, he and my best friend dated and got really serious throughout the rest of high school," she shrugged, "and I got over it--I had to, you know?" Taking another breath, she looked back across the table, "okay, let's draw again."

Simon couldn't quite grasp how anyone would select some rando girl over Carter. Idiot. She was probably too much for the dimwit anyway. Simon nodded and gave her the go signal before they began flipping cards. Her speed was incredible (fucking wolves) and it took all his concentration to keep up. It went on surprisingly long before they hit another match. "War!" Simon exclaimed, laying down three face-down cards and flipping over the last. A measly seven of clubs this time."

Carter never revisited the thought, it was the same year she triggered her curse, so perhaps it was a good thing he was taken from her. Biting her lip, she flipped over a King of Spades. "Ah! Yes!" she smiled. "How's your relationship with your parents?"

Simon groaned as he lost the small card battle but he had to laugh at her victory grin. She was so fucking cute. He laughed at the question, "Embarrassingly good. Like really good. I mean we never had a lot of money and they work pretty fucking hard for like ... everything .... but you know they always had our backs. If wanted to do something or whatever, they never told us we couldn't. I dunno. I guess I just like them, you know? Sounds lame I guess. But I don't just love them, I like them. They are funny and nice and they care about each and us and just people in general. They are good people."

Carter sighed softly and mildly enviously hearing Simon talk about his relationship with his parents. Watching his expression as he spoke, she smiled softly. "There's nothing lame about having parents who you can fall back on with no question," she said with her eyes lowered as she collected her cards. "That's really sweet," she muttered, "okay, next round!" She bit her lip, flipping her cards along with him, until they had another match, putting down a seven of clubs, the corner of her lips turned down, impressed with the number.

Simon shrugged a bit sheepishly but his smile didn't fade. He did love his parents and he knew he was fortunate. He flipped the cards quickly, trying to keep up with the sexy wolf. Finally they hit another match and it turned over a series of card and managed to pull an eight of spades, narrowly beating Carter. "Damn. All right. Tell me about the first time you figured out you were smarter than the other kids."

Carter "motherfuck!" Carter exclaimed, really looking forward to collecting that pile of cards she lost. "When did I--" she laughed out loud, her hand over her chest, "what are you talking about? I'm not that smart. In high school, I tested out of two math and science classes, though, I got paid to take tests and write essays?" she shrugged. "I don't know if that answers anything," she laughed at him, "you're silly."

Simon shook his head, "Carter? You fucking serious woman? You are really smart. I mean like ... I'm pretty smart but you kick my fucking ass. You know that right? Out of 2 classes? Shit woman." He shook his head slowly and laughed at her attempt at playing it off. "All right woman, let's go. Better get more honest next time, or I'll be stopping the game to fucking spank your ass. All right ... let's go." He flipped over a series of cards in time with the sexy brunette stopping when they hit another match. He flicked over the last card and groaned. "Six of diamonds."

Carter "smart is subjective," she held up her finger, "people are smarter than me about things that are more important in life, math and science, that'll only get me so far," she chuckled softly, running her fingers through her hair, "and I'm not trying to be bullshit whiny--I'll shut up now," she laughed holding her hands up in surrender. Flipping her card she placed a two of spades, she closed her eyes and bit her lip, "god...damn..okay, let's get it," she moved to her feet, her legs crossed, "hey, do you want a drink or something? are you hungry?" she went into her kitchen, looking over at him, waiting for the questions, actually having fun sharing so much about herself, it was unusual for her, but welcome.

Simon laughed at her coy response. "Hemmm... debatable." He was pleased to see he won. "I'll take a beer if you got any. Otherwise a coke or something." he replied easily. "Let's see all right. Let's get dirty here. Tell me about your first time. Who was it? How was it? Tell me things."

Carter nodded when he made his request and it was a good thing she kept a variety of beers in her fridge, getting out out and a making herself a glass of wine, she placed the bottle back into the fridge before returning to the game, placing the beer on a coaster on the coffee table for him and her glass before her while she moved to sit on the carpet, let legs crossed, "Ethan," she smiled, "he was an alpha from another pack and he was a huge guy, like--big arms, he was really in shape and so tall.." she cocked her head, looking up to recall the memory, "I was 18 and when it happened, I think I got addicted because we didn't leave bed for like..two weeks and he was way older than me, and he was slow at first, but he got really rough with me after our first time," she explained, while gently pounding her fist into her palm to help demonstrate the fervor. "Never again, though," she scrunched up her face, flipping her cards once more, placing a nine of diamonds down. "Boom, you can't beat that!" She smiled smugly at him. leaning back against the front of the couch and sipping her wine.

Simon noticed the coaster but was more focused on the sway of Carter's hips as she strut around her place. God she was so fucking hot. "Ethan? Sounds pretentious." he grumbled, knowing he was not particularly tall or in shape. "Two fucking weeks. Damn woman. Never again? Too rough for you? Or just not interested in him like that after the hookup?" he followed up as he flipped through his cards, waiting until the match occurred. "Ah come on higher than a fucking nine... " An eight of diamonds showed up and he groaned. "All right sweet girl. Do your worst?"

Carter "it does sound pretentious, you're so right," she rolled her eyes. "Nothing's too rough for me," she smirked, "but he was one of the people who were like 'girls haven't been alphas in centuries and it's not going to happen in this generation' but then at the reception of his wedding to his mate, I stuck my hand into his chest and made him submit to me. Then his whole pack showed their respect and so did mine! Boom! Alpha! I got the cojones, I'm not afraid of anyfuckingbody!" she exclaimed. "and other reasons, I proved myself--anyway!" she smiled brilliantly when she won the round collecting their cards. "okay, if you could spend the rest of your life with the next three people you fuck, who would they be? and why?"

Simon laughed, "Nothing huh?" At Carter's story his brows rose. "Sounds like you are quite the alpha ... sexiest top wolf in the whole of the Americas, huh?" he murmured with a laugh. Powerful and intelligent women did not deter him. In fact, it sounded about right to him. "Oh fuck ... there's a question. Ummmm.... Jace I guess. He literally saved my bacon and I love him. Also he is actually the cutest little subby-boy you have ever met. The other two ... now that's a bit harder. Most of the peeps I know deserve a better life than to be stuck with me. I don't mind so much for Jace. My lifespan is like a fucking goldfish in comparison to his. In 150 years, he'll probably barely remember my name. Shit, I just don't know."

Carter "well, nothing yet, at least," she nodded. "Not the Americas anymore, hombre," she shook her head and looked up at him, "Ireland, now," she smiled. "It's a good one, huh?" She smirked. Nodding as it was easy for her to guess Jace, she was more curious about the other people, "nope, I don't think 'I don't know' is part of the rules, is it?" caught her lip between her lips and leaned back against the couch as she waited for the rest of his answer if he was willing to go on with it, honestly, there wasn't any pressure, though she playfully acted as such.

Simon laughed at the sauce of her reply. "You did come up with a good one. Badass. I should have expected it from you sexy nerd." He shook his head slowly as he considered the question, taking it seriously. "I guess if I had to pick right now, I would definitely go with Jace and Finn. But the third would be a woman but I have a lot of really amazing women I am spending time with right now. You for example but I don't think I know you well enough yet to say whether or not you'd be happy spending my lifetime with me. Seriously once you get past the attitude and my sex skills, I'm not that fucking interesting. Pretty sure you would be bored as fuck."

Carter Finn was expected, he was simply delightful in Carter's opinion, so she nodded in understanding at his choices. Raising an eyebrow at his honesty about how many women he'd been spending time with, Carter tilted her head with a smile tugging at the corner of her lips as she listened to him comment and make assumptions about her, she simply shrugged, "you're right," she began, "you don't know me well enough, but hopefully that'll change soon," she took a deep breath, "I sort of want it to," she followed up, taking another sip of her wine. "Okay, here we go, good partial answers," she stuck her tongue out at him, noting that he hadn't specified a woman's name, but she was pretty unsure if she even wanted to know. Flipping her cards to another match, Carter placed an eight of spades down. Promising, she thought, thinking up a good question in case he came up short.

Simon grinned at that reply. "I am looking forward to it. I think you are pretty fucking incredible and I am not even talking about the package. You're smart, funny, kind ... exactly the type of person who is way too fucking good for an asshole like me." he teased with a wink. He flipped over his cards, stopping when they hit another battle. He barely defeated her with a ten of diamonds. "Excellent. Let's see. What made you walk away from your pack and come here?"

Carter "yeah, you're right," she laughed, obviously teasing him. "I don't know something about you attracts me," she laughed, "I'm gonna be totally honest, don't let it scare you, but I like that about you, but I really want to know more, and I might end up liking you, like I might get in my feelings and I don't know how I feel about that," she said, gently running her fingers through her hair, a clear tell of nerves. "Let's see what happens, shall we?" she chuckled softly. Raising her eyebrows when he came above her, she thought about the question she was asked. "I left my pack because, for now, I've done my duty to them," Carter replied truthfully, thinking about the war, Carter paused as the taunting memories took over the images in her mind--those same images that made it difficult to fall asleep and grant her some peace of mind. "I got us out of a tough situation, and we didn't all make it out, but I got them as far from there as possible, I got them somewhere safe, I negotiated an alliance with the wolves in our new location and I lost myself. I know that's not important when you're in my position, but that was really important to me a long time ago, I think I've earned it for myself to try to get back to that. To not be Alpha Carter anymore, because I've proven myself, but--" she cut herself off, covering her face with her hands before peeking between her fingers, "do I sound like a total fucking dork, right now? Please stop me."

Simon laughed, "Oh yeah, it is my magnetic charm and my awesome fucking manners." He winked at her, "But seriously I like you too nerd. A lot. But Jace is my ..." Simon made little air quotes around the words, "Master but if you are okay with that, we could see where this shit goes. If that's not okay though, I can totally fucking respect that. I'll just be that super awesome friend who hits on you constantly." He listed to her describe the events but it was the haunted look in her eyes that had him crossing the floor to wrap his arms around her. He kissed the top of her head, "You are amazing, a fucking powerhouse in a mini-shirt and I am blown away by you."

Carter's eyes lit up at the offer and she smiled, "I mean, I'd love to see where this goes, I would, but I don't want to put you out. I know you're very easily loved," she laughed at herself, "like, the whole polygamous thing, I know I don't like sharing, I know it's the wolf in me," she shrugged, "but it's whatever YOU want, because I don't want to box you up and I don't want to lie to you and get hurt, I thought I'd be honest. It's okay either way, I respect whatever you're into," she closed her eyes and scrunched up her nose. Turning her head and bringing her hands to her cheeks to hide the flush in her face, she let herself into his arms, laughing softly, her arm around him and taken back by the gesture of the kiss on the forehead, she laughed softly, burying her face in his neck. "I'm complicated, I'm sorry."

Simon squeezed her tightly against his chest. "I get that. Lots of people wouldn't be cool with it but Jace and I already agreed and well, I love him. I don't think he could do monogamy if he tried. I think it would smother him. Until then, though, I am up for sharing and being shared. And if that doesn't work for you? I want you to be happy and I don't want to change you."

Carter closed her eyes, hearing the words come out of his mouth, Carter already knew where she stood on the topic, they were both unmoved and both respected each other enough not to want to change the other. Carter tried sharing before and it was someone she was head over heels for, which only happened a few months ago, but to find out that she alone wasn't enough yet again, chipped away at the wolf, but she appreciated the honesty. And though it felt nice to feel those warm feelings again, it was necessary for her to stop and try again as a friend. Taking in the warmth of his hug, she nodded, "Okay.." she could feel the unevenness of her breath, she gently bit her lip and averted her eyes up to him. "Right.." she swallowed, "so should we keep playing? I think you're winning and my wolf is itching to flip the table," she laughed softly.

Simon kissed her cheek and knew in this moment, he had lost something that had felt like a possibility of something that could have been amazing. Even still he hoped they could be friends, good ones, ones that knew they could count on each other. "I think that is enough games for today. How about you get changed and we go do something?"

Carter took a solid, sturdy breath and offered a polite smile. "Sure, that sounds good," she nodded, pulling herself from him and moving to her feet and raced to the second floor of her home, headed towards the master bedroom. Going into her closet, Carter distracted herself from her latest embarrassment by picking out her clothes, and quickly upon making a decision, she changed out of her costume and into her clothes. After changing the style of her hair, Carter returned to the mirror in her room, thankful she hadn't gone back to her comfortable and dark apparel, she closed her eyes and leaned forward, pressing her forehead against the cool marble of the island in the middle of her closet and sighed deeply before turning to find him downstairs again. "So what do you have in mind?" She asked coming down the stairs, putting in her new earrings.

Simon took a deep breath as Carter hurried away. He hated the feeling that he had hurt someone he truly liked. Although admittedly she was way too good for him but honestly the concept of Carter finding someone on her level was preposterous, especially on fuckhole island. As she came down the island, he sighed because if anything she looked hotter. This girl was impossible. "C'mon. Let's go do ridiculous things."

Carter ran her fingers through her hair and pulled her small, leather bag over her shoulder, she pushed in her phone and keys and put their glasses and beer bottles away, leaving the cards scattered on the table, she started towards the door. Frowning curiously at his suggestion, Carter went to the door, holding it open for him, "well alright, sounds fun," she shrugged softly, "let's get out of here.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week thirty-nine

Opinions on the songs which debuted on the billboard charts 4 october 1997, 6 october 2007, and 7 october 2017

10.4.1997

24) "The One I Gave My Heart To," by Aaliyah

I agree, '90s R&B. It IS sad when people you love hurt you. I used to think it was good when people you loved made you feel sad, but I've been listening to your arguments for the last few months, and you know what? You're right. People you love should make you feel good! Took a while, but I'm finally coming around to your side.

28) "Criminal," by Fiona Apple

So I'm on vacation from work, and I've been taking this time off to not think about anything and just sorta stare blankly at whatever the screen has to offer, so this is not a song for my current mental state. There's so much to unpack with this song, and I'm just not yet acclimated to thinking about what this song has to offer. I need to get back on that critical thinking horse, but I've been lazy the last couple days, aand like you know how difficult it is to concentrate on anything? Y'all givin' me shit like "I've got to make a play to make my lover stay, so what would an angel say? The devil wants to know," and I gotta try to frame it in some context or another, and meanwhile the Link to the Past rando tournament is right there. I can just turn that back on at any moment. Shit, dude. I'm sorry, Fiona Apple. I'm trying. You caught me at a bad time, but this is still probably the best song I've heard in a hot minute, so you've got that going for ya!

84) "Last Night's Letter," by K-Ci & JoJo

THANK YOU, 1997. This is how the list should've been ordered. Groove these '90s R&B slo jamz up the middle so I can make jokewords and get some practice thinking, THEN throw something with lyrical depth and whatnot at me. This song says "I'll love you always" before we even hit the first chorus. Follow Aaliyah up with this, then give me the country song that's gonna follow, THEN I'll be ready to say something substantive about Fiona Apple. Fiona Apple was a thing, right? Like, she would've pretty much been '97 Lena Dunham? Or would she have been a Woke Twitter Hero? I don't know, and it's too late to ever find out because the list has moved on to a song where two men with nice voices sing about passion and devotion. "I wrote this letter last night." Do you think they wrote "I wrote this letter" in the actual letter? Do you think they repeated the chorus in the actual letter? I hope so!

87) "Valentine," by Martina McBride & Jim Brickman

Imagine going to a hoedown, turning on the local country radio station, and hearing this. I mean, maybe this was a solid play for adult contemporary radio, I dunno who Jim Brickman is but I dobut he goes hard too often, but Tay Tay's "Red" was a #2 country single. It would follow that country would listen to anything Martina McBride, but like just... Every single bro country dude was weaned on songs like this. This was what country music sounded like before "i respect the flag AND the party" bullshit. I've made this point before, but it's worth noting, pop/country? That's a genre with a bizarre evolutionary line!

91) "Please," by The Kinleys

you could tell me these white girls are either sisters or two girls named kinley that happened to meet one day, and i would believe it. this is a song that would've been good enough to make the top 20 back when i only had like ten weeks of '97 to sift through, i would've said "yeah this is basic but it's not 'my baby daddy,'" but it's october and we've listened to so many other things and i've already forgotten what this was. country? sure. country. good job, country girls who probably named their kids Carson and Mackenzie.

95) "Go Away," by Lorrie Morgan

If you are using tumblr, your opinion of Marilyn Monroe has gone through three stages: 1) Marilyn Monroe is the epitome of glamour 2) Marilyn Monroe was basically Paris Hilton, like what did she do even? 3) HELL YEAH, MARILYN MONROE WAS PARIS HILTON. SHE WAS HOT AS HELL AND FUCKED ALL THE TIME. GOALS. This is the hottest country girl jam 1997 has provided, but it opens with some Marilyn Monroe cosplay, and this song is a hot jam in a way where it's like "hell yeah, I'd listen to this again!" and not "let's start a music discussion club to delve into the deeper meanings of this song. When she asks, 'Go away and wait a minute,' what does she mean?" so let's just goof on the video!

10.6.2007

53) "Do it Well," Jennifer Lopez

I heard the annoying Timbalandy intro and thought for sure 2007 was hitting us with more of that Kara DioGuardi. Nope! Ryan Tedder! Still a shitty Timbaland ripoff, that Latin pop jam J. Lo released a few months (and ten years) ago was way more in her wheelhouse than this, but I misidentified the bad songwriter who'd been tasked with wasting these three minutes of my life. Ryan Tedder's been doing things for ten years. I am so glad I'm an unexceptional white man, because it means life will never stop presenting me with opportunities regardless of whether or not I deserve them.

73) "1973," James Blunt

The fact that this song actually debuted at #73 makes me so happy. You have no idea. Like, this song is what you would expect the follow-up to "You're Beautiful" to be, James Blunt is trying desperately to show he has some edge and is also a Deep Thinker who doesn't look at girls and think about whether or not he thinks they're hot, he now tries to figure out a year in which she could have been beautiful. "Girl, you're so hot, you remind me of the year before I was born." Swoon. Such a serious artist, this one. Also: did you guys know three people are credited songwriters on "You're Beautiful?" Also also: there's a song called "2005" which is pretty much about "You're Beautiful?" Oh, James Blunt. I am prepared to fall down this YouTube hole someday, but not today. I have to figure out who Playaz Circle is.

91) "Duffle Bag Boy," Playaz Circle ft./Lil Wayne

Oh, 2 Chainz! That's who this is! Well, here I am, forgetting 2 Chainz existed as an entity before he was 2 Chainz and omitting him from the Decade Dance Club! Anyway, this is a song that presages Lil Wayne's extremely good decision to rebrand as a rock god, and it's, y'know, it's fine. It's an acceptable 2007 rap song, much like "Good Drank" was an acceptable 2017 rap song about half a year ago. I accept that this was ever in my life, and I will move on once I feel this paragraph appears large enough that someone could conceivably mistake this for in-depth analysis. What a large paragraph I wrote with no actual content! We have done good work.

94) "Freaky Gurl," Gucci Mane

Gucci Mane is another of the 35-member Decade Dance Club, and with songs like this, there's no shortage of reasons we've kept him around for so long! The way he only uses one flow so you don't get confused and think you're listening to multiple rappers. Intricate rhymes like in the third verse, where he ends six consecutive lines with "girl." And the way each verse only has eight bars so he can go back to the chorus is so polite, it knows why we came to the song and doesn't wanna screw around or seem indulgent with all those fancy A A A A A A rhyme schemes! Gucci Mane: ten years of greatness. Truly, something whose endurance I understand.

95) "Famous in a Small Town," Miranda Lambert

Miranda Lambert is one of my favorite country artists. I also get squicked out when millionaires sing lines like "Who needs their faces in a magazine?" You are incredibly famous! You don't get to sing this song! You are famous in several big cities! Don't sing songs revelling in mediocrity when you, yourself, are special! Like, Gucci Mane is awful, but at least he doesn't fuck around about the fact he owns a Hummer. He's not like "Don't worry if you can't afford a Hummer, life's not all about glamour!" he's saying, "Hell yeah, I got a Hummer. I fuck inside this big ol' car. You should get a Hummer. They're rad." Gucci Mane is a truth-teller, and we should respect that.

99) "Can't Help but Wait," Trey Songz

so like did they record one person clapping their hands and use that for every single '07 r&b song, or did they record hand claps every time they banged one of these out. i hope they made new hand clap noises for every song, it would make each song feel a little more personal, but i think all the studios just like shared the same hand clapping noise. i wonder whose hands they were that made this noise. this song is boring. why did anyone listen to this. they made this song a thousand times in 1997. seems like a waste of the handclaps.

7 October 2017

2) "rockstar," by Post Malone ft./21 Savage

"i cannot contain lyrical abilities of going so hard." what. why. why. who is this... i'm listening to this and wishing i was listening to a nickelback song. this is how fucking dire this song is. like legitimately. this song bites from nickelback, then has the audacity, the muthafuckin AUDACITY to say, "i can tell you're a lazy-ass aritst." preacher, heal thyself.

66) "Too Much to Ask," by Niall Horan

Niall Horan is a nice boy making nice songs and this is going to be another week where 2017 gives me absolutely nothing to work with, isn't it. I mean, I guess it's fine that Niall Horan is a person making John Mayer songs in a world where garbage like Post Malone rules the day, but why does he have to be John Mayer? Can't we do better than John Mayer? Is this really all we have to look forward to on the weeks that divas are not accompanied by an army of brass instruments, is maybe we're cool with Lorde but mostly the hope someone will sound like John Mayer instead of Calvin Harris? 2017, what ya doin'.

67) "Curve," by Gucci Mane ft./The Weeknd

No, sir, Gucci Mane has not lost a step in the last ten years! He's actually improved: this song is two and a half minutes long. Like, we're minimizing time loss, here. I know nothing good will happen. On some level, Gucci Mane knows he's not creating great, lasting art. Just talk about your dick for two and a half minutes and let me go back about my day.

85) "DNA," by BTS

My favorite was the one with the silver hair with the haunted voice because I think The Goth One is unexplored territory for boy bands and I'm glad that BTS has decided to be pioneers. I'm into this! It's dumb, loud pop music, but after so many months of dumb quiet pop music, I think it's high time we just let some young men dance their hearts out and sing about whatever grand emotion they're singing about, probably love, I don't know, I'm actually not ready to let go of this being a Kendrick cover. This is fun! Pop music should sound like Coke tastes, not how Coke makes you feel. This is a sugary little treat, and I'm glad that I was able to listen to it.

92) "Homemade Dynamite," by Lorde ft./Khalid, Post Malone & SZA

I like the original. I liked Melodrama because it sounded like its own thing, and this just sounds like something I could've gotten from any of the EDM bros. Khalid and Post Malone add their usual nothing, and with SZA, it's the same thing, I'd much rather listen to her on her own thing than her on someone else's thing. I dunno. I think y'all should've listened to this song before they felt like they had to ruin it with Post Malone. Lorde's great! I wish I could figure out why the general public rejected her but embraced Khalid!

Who won the week?

1997 because it had the only song I liked.

Current standings: 1997: 14 2007: 12 2017: 13 Next week: Elton John remakes “Candle in the Wind” for some reason, we insist on summoning old Tay Tay to the phone, and oh goddamnit 2017′s gonna give us Macklemore come on 2017 get it together

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: week thirty-five

brief reviews of the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 the weeks of 6 september 1997, 8 september 2007, and 9 september 2017

9.6.1997

7) "Barbie Girl," by Aqua

I don't have anything constructive or novel to say about this song. It's the same Europe dance garbage we've been listening to this whole time, but now it's tuggin' at the ol' nostalgia what with how it references a beloved childhood toy. I do love how uniquely German the line, "Come on in, bimbo friend!" is, but that's about the only good thing in this song. Otherwise, it's a horrible song that has been bad to listen to for 20 years.

18) "Building a Mystery," by Sarah McLachlan

This goes several orders of magnitude harder than I ever remembered. I mean, we're adjusting to Sarah McLachlan's scale, this is still gentle for most people, but this almost has an edge. That's an electric guitar in this song, and I didn't know Sarah McLachlan was capable of saying the f-word! I like what this song was able to do even if it remained solely in the adult-alternative confines in which Sarah McLachlan typically keeps herself. I'd say the revisit ended up being worth it, even if it wasn't a revisit I would've made were I not doing this.

27) "I Miss My Homies," by Master P ft./Pimp C & The Shocker

...Do I suddenly appreciate the production value of "I'll Be Missing You." Is this how bad this song is. That it has me looking back fondly on "I'll Be Missing You." First of all, Master P is garbage on this track. His flow in his verse is "drunk dude trying to do an improv rap," and he keeps going "unnnnh" throughout the song, because as sad as we are at our friends dying, you need to keep brand engagement going. Like, Pimp C and Slikk don't change history, but they do things with their voices that aren't easily replicated. Master P seems to equate "being sad" with "talking slowly." Plus, like, as dumb as the "Every Breath You Take" sample is, that imbues "I'll Be Missing You" with far more energy and passion than this generic synth-strings and drum-beat track does. This beat sounds like a dude playing a Casio in his basement. This song that was probably written from a place of real emotion is the absolute pits.

43) "You Should Be Mine (Don't Waste Your Time)," by Brian McKnight ft./Mase

Ma$e was ahead of his time, in a way. Obviously, he's an incredibly basic rapper, so he's not ahead of his time in that particular sense. When you think of today's rappers, though, or at least those rappers which are popular on Billboard, and how they sort of passionlessly mushmouth for a few minutes at a time, you can't help but think that Mase would clean the hell up in this era. This song is a really fun if slight R&B jam, and Mase just sort of shows up and goes "enh," and in 2017 this is the hottest feature of the year.

77) "Need Your Love," by Big Bub ft./Queen Latifah & Heavy D

I fuckin' love this. This dude's voice has this insane quality I'm not anywhere near qualified enough to try to describe, it, I dunno, it's like this shovel digging a hole to my heart? And I love how simple this track is, pretty much just a guitar and drums with the occasional bass note, the traditional '90s strings only kicking in near the end. This is the sort of song I'd just put on repeat and let take me away if I ever found myself in the middle of a bad day, it's this intensely chill and uncomplicated thing, and sometimes, uncomplicated can be great.

88) "We Can Get Down," by Myron

i also could do crystal meth, but then i think... nah, better not "I'll be there for you physically, mentally" okay don't fucking lie to the girl just because it fits the rhyme scheme. You are solely here for the physical. This song is called "We Can Get Down," not "We Can Debate the Meaning of Our Favorite Poems Whilst Enjoying Some Sliced Fruit." Mentally. Man, no one listening to this song is thinking, "Just wanna get inside that big ol' thinker of his! What does this man repeatedly informing us that getting down is an option have to say about the important issues in politics and culture?"

89) "Butta Love," by Next

Given that these dudes are eventually going to make a song about wanting a girl to dance further away from them because they're getting an erection, it's disappointing that this is just a standard '90s R&B slow jamz that only mentions butter in passing, or isn't secretly about buttsex. There is a line in the song, "Just hit me on my hip baby," that I had to stare at for five minutes to figure out what that might mean before I realized that was a sexy reference to pagers, and that made me smile, and I guess getting hard is a recurring theme in Next's work with how they sing "You've got those sexy eyes/Enticing thighs/You make me rise" so that's fun to find out, but this was a disappointingly staid song about wanting to fuck a hot woman.

90) "In a Dream," by Rockell

And 1997 ends where it begins: awful dance music I never want to think about ever fucking again. Very impressive storytelling, you always want the end to call back to the start just to reinforce the themes.

9.8.2007

76) "Fabulous," Ashley Tisdale & Lucas Grabeel

It is so perfect that this song had to appear on the Hot 100 on a week that no other HSM2 song debuted. Also it ends with a "not" joke. Thank you for this.

85) "I Get Money," 50 Cent

One of the things I didn't understand about Super Smash Bros. Melee was what the point of secret characters was if they would just be copies of a different character that moved slightly differently. Like, if Ganondorf had the same moveset as Captain Falcon but just moved slower, was Ganondorf really his own character? I sort of get the same feeling listening to "I Get Money" after "Fabulous." This is just "Fabulous" in a hoodie. Fiddy wants fabulous, that is his simple request, and Ashley Tisdale wants money. Man, I can't believe this album didn't manage to outsell Graduation, wonder what 50 Cent could have done better, aside from making songs that weren't shitty versions of HSM2 songs?

9.9.2017

20) "Friends," by Justin Bieber + BloodPop

I dunno, I guess this is okay. This is a Joey of a song -- I'm having fun with it as something that's happening while I'm trying to do something I'm interested in, but I wouldn't want to have like a whole thing of this. Justin Bieber does his usual thing where he doesn't get in the way but doesn't add anything unique or distinct or... anything, he doesn't do anything on this song, one day we're going to figure out the day we stopped asking our singers to be able to hit notes. Y'all are asking me to evaluate Justin Bieber the same week I evaluated Big Bub. Nah, man. Every single dude R&B singer is a better vocalist than the best male vocalist in 2017. I mean, I know we're coming to these songs for vibes and drops and not for technical vocal proficiency, we made this choice when we made Tay Tay a pop star, but how are Justin Bieber and Bryson Tiller the only vocalists we're asking to carry pop songs in 2017? They're boring!

34) "I Get the Bag," by Gucci Mane ft./Migos

What a delightful song with a dazzling array of lyrical twists with a distinct song quite unlike anything either artist has put out to this point! What a treat, to he -- I am being informed I decided to listen to "Need Your Love" again. Fine. Fine. ...The only reason this song exists is if you hear a Migos song you're really into and want to listen to again but are too far away from your Device to hit the repeat button.

77) "Look What You Made Me Do," by Tay Tay

Because of the way YAS is set up, and also because I’ve been taking an extra day to write YAS for reasons that are not completely “gets too distracted by link to the past randos” but are pretty much just “gets too distracted by link to the past randos,” everything that can be said about this song has been said, and Tay Tay’s public perception has gone from legit pop queen to Nazi Idol, which is a hell of a fall. And you’d think that this was just the media waiting to pile on Tay Tay because she’s had positive coverage for so long and it’s Her Turn as it was for all pop stars before her, except this song is legitimately terrible. It’s indefensibly bad. It’s either about a feud she already won, a response song to “Swish, Swish” being completely unnecessary when you already had “Bad Blood,” or it’s about a feud in which she was so clearly and incredibly in the wrong! This song is just unnecessary, especially since it doesn’t actually do anything. The verses sound kinda cool, they have this sparse production I’m sort of into, but they build into Tay Tay saying, “Look what you made me do” and nothing more. And hey. Tay Tay? Never a compelling vocalist! Can’t pull off the spoken word, to no one’s surprise! It sounds less like a deposed Maleficent crashing the christening and taking the kingdom and more like a teen who’s sort of miffed that their parents wouldn’t let them buy Maleficent-branded merchandise at the mall Hot Topic. This song isn’t failing, but my gosh, does it ever deserve to. If there were any justice, Tay Tay would have announced her country comeback an hour ago, but because of this era where brand loyalty rules the day in pop music (you come up with a better reason why DJ Khaled is a legit pop star), Tay Tay’ll be fine.

79) "Younger Now," by Miley Cyrus

Again, it's really cool that Miley Cyrus, an unfathomably rich person, has found inner peace. I am very invested in the journey of this sympathetic character. You don't see good things happen to rich people that often. So happy for Miley. What an emotional journey, going from a rich child to a rich person who did drugs to a rich person who used to do drugs.

80) "It's Every Night Sis," by RiceGum ft./Alissa Violet

...I can't claim to say I never wanted YouTubers to rap. I own two Starbomb albums. Clearly, I wanted this to happen. But I just, I take back the bad things I've said about Master P, trap rap, and mumble rap in this and these posts, because my god, listening to these children is honestly the worst. I hate this.

53) "Roll in Peace," by Kodak Black ft./XXXTentacion 82) "Transportin'," by Kodak Black 90) "Questions," by Chris Brown

Wow! Over already? Well, that time just flew right on by! Good post, y'all! I feel like we accomplished a lot today, and now we're ready to find out...

Who won the week?

It is 1997 because 1997 is the only year that gave me a song I immediately loved.

2017: 12 1997: 12 2007: 11

Next week, 1997 gives us Mariah Carey, Beck, Chumbawumba, and Shaquille O’Neal. 1997 is complicated.